#also i love how people just make the most inconsequential things important

[ruffboijuliaburnsides]

I love the little things that become important to you over time for small reasons.

When I was about 15, I was on... some message board. This was like 2001, for reference. And that summer and fall I was playing around with pixel art. I'd started getting people's small pixel art bases and building my avatar on them. And they weren't great, but they weren't awful, and I was very proud of them.

So in like September that year (I know, timing, right? XD) someone on the forum traded me... something I've now forgotten to do their OC avatar in a specific outfit that i generally remember as being "from an anime or JRPG". It was like, grey fur boots, cuffs, and bikini. I did it, and they loved it and used it for all of October, and I was so proud.

About 8 or 9 years later, I found a cute flash animation on newgrounds of a bunch of various fictional characters the animator liked dancing to a song and being goofy, and when I first watched it, I lost my mind, because that character was in it!!! I saw that particular grey fur getup and immediately recognized it. I had no idea who the character was or what she was from, but I recognized her. I watched that flash animation regularly for a few years, and then just didn't without fully forgetting the animation.

And then in 2024, I went "gosh I wonder if that animation is on youtube now?" and googled the lyrics i could remember so i could get the song name, and then googled that song + animation, and poof there it was! And the youtube version linked to the original deviantart post, which had an actual listing of characters in order of first appearance, and I was reminded OH HEY THAT GREY FUR BIKINI GIRL IS IN THIS! :D and I was able to use context to identify the girl, and upon looking her up, I immediately went YES THAT'S HER THAT'S THE BITCH I DID A PIXEL ART HALLOWEEN COSTUME OF!! :D :D :D :D

It just is wild how I've remembered the basic physical appearance of one random character from a random game I've never played for 22 years, because of a positive interaction over my teenaged pixel art and an animation I first saw like 14 years ago.

ftr: the character was Ayla from Chrono Trigger, and the animation was Zarla's multifandom animation to Stamp on the Ground.

[prentissluvr]

talkative s/o headcanons — sam winchester

cw : gn!reader, fluff, kissing, one suggestive comment at the end lol, poor editing, 0.7K words. requested !

prompt : sam winchester x talkative!reader

MOVED BLOGS TO @sammyluvr !! no longer active on this blog! all fics can be found there!

⟢ so we know that sam’s a bit on the more reserved side; he’s not as talkative as you by any stretch!

⟢ and at first he maybe is a little overwhelmed or mostly just surprised by how much you talk

⟢ but he gets used to it quickly!

⟢ and almost just as quickly, he discovers how much he loves your voice

⟢ and that means he just loves that you talk so much, and he’s decided he would like for you to never stop!

⟢ he’s come to find it just so so so endearing how much you talk

⟢ like he just stares at you with heart eyes, he's the king of giving you heart eyes while you talk!

⟢ and he’s not sure how you can just fill up a silences with your many, sometimes loud words for minutes, sometimes even hours

⟢ but he does know that he loves it

⟢ he’s got a staring issue (he just really likes to look at you), so he feels very lucky that once he gets you talking, you’ll just go on and on!

⟢ which means he has an excuse to just sit there and listen and watch

⟢ and that way he’s also watching your lips move hehehe and he’s just falling deeper and deeper into your spell

⟢ he also really likes that the amount you talk allows him to get to know you well, because he can constantly learn about the things you like, the things that bother you, the way that your voice changes depending on how you’re feeling

⟢ he knows your content voice, your excited voice, your annoyed voice, your tired voice, and the list goes on and on and on

⟢ and he’ll always pay so much attention so that he can keep you content or calm you down depending on what he reads from you voice

⟢ counts it as a date when you just sit together and talk and talk <33

⟢ it’s seriously just the perfect yapper x listener dynamic hehe

⟢ and sam really really really likes being the one that you talk the most to! he likes that you want to talk to him specifically for so long hehe

⟢ he also now knows the difference between how you talk to just him versus other people

⟢ and he’s secretly so :,) when your voice softens just for him

⟢ he’s also in love with the fact that, while you do most of the talking, part of your talking always includes questions for him or engages him into a really good conversation

⟢ and it’s nice that those conversations range from silly, simple, inconsequential things, to the sort of stuff that you stay up until 2 in the morning talking about with just each other

⟢ which also means that sam just talks more than he did before meeting and dating you!

⟢ which really does him good, because he often has kind of no one to talk to about literally everything

⟢ but by nature of being with you, he’s talking about all sorts of things

⟢ and having consistent casual conversation is just really nice and calming for him <3

⟢ plus, it encourages him to talk about more important stuff more!

⟢ since you’re so comfortable talking to him about pretty much anything, he becomes much more comfortable with talking to you about a lot more!

⟢ he also likes that you’re generally talkative, because that means when you’re too quiet, he knows immediately that something’s up

⟢ sometimes it just means that you’re sleepy, and he’ll always try to figure out exactly what’s going on with you

⟢ if you’re tired, he’ll make you lay down with him and be the one to talk and talk until you fall asleep because he knows that his voice is soothing to you <33

⟢ also him kissing you to shut you up hehe

⟢ not because he doesn't want you to keep talking, but only because sometimes it's the only way to get you to stop and get up and ready to go to dinner lmao

⟢ or because your eyes are drooping and you should go to bed, but you're still talking

⟢ or he’s just kissing you because he’s totally in love and just wants to kiss you hehehe

⟢ and i didn’t say this but he certainly appreciates of your talkativeness or loudness translates to other certain activities if you know what i mean wink wink

⟢ basically he didn’t know that he’d love being with someone talkative so so much but he absolutely does!

[whenmemorydies]

Preliminary thoughts on The Bear, race, power and privilege

I’m a non-Black woman of colour who has spent all of my life in the west…so I’ve consumed a lot of television media that is produced by and for the white gaze. The most obvious way that gaze plays out is when people of colour are non-existent in a cast, or when they are included, are tokenistic, bit players.

A more insidious manifestation is where POC are cast to play parts that could just as easily be played by white folks: characters that have no interiority or external relationships related to their cultural identities, wider communities or individual or collective histories (for example, Mindy in The Mindy Project for most of its run, or the characters of colour in Season 1 of Bridgerton).

I've had some thoughts about how The Bear (thankfully) avoids tokenistic and "colour-blind" representation. I also have some thoughts about how the show models meaningful allyship. I'm so keen to discuss this with folks and hear what others think about it too.

Unambiguous and unapologetic

The Bear is confined in its universe, particularly in season 1 where it’s focus is tightly bound to the physical location of The Beef as the setting for almost every scene. Episodes of The Bear are generally not very long, so time is precious (every second really does count). These factors necessarily limit how deep we can get into each character. But the show is so good at drawing on different means of communication: images, lighting, score, soundtrack, phrasing, callbacks to previous episodes, other cultural references etc, that each episode is like a jewellery box with gems waiting to be unpacked and pored over. I've said that I have started reading this show like a tarot deck because of how rich the symbolism in each episode is.

So despite the constraints of time and setting, characters of colour in this show are also so very rich in their realisation and portrayal. These characters are unambiguously and - this is important - unapologetically racialised: through language (see: Tina’s use - and occasional weaponisation lmao - of Spanish), physical appearance (see: Sydney’s two-tone braids and her stunning, prolific collection of headscarves throughout the show), culturally distinct names (see: Sydney Adamu, Ebraheim, Tina Marrero, etc), food (see: Carmy’s peace offering to Syd in ep 1x03 of Ebra’s family chicken suqaar - a popular dish in the latter character’s birth country of Somalia), etc.

GIF by @chefkids

These may seem like small and inconsequential details to some. In fact I’ve been seeing a lot of commentary from folks online saying that what they like about The Bear is that race isn’t mentioned at all on the show. But make no mistake: race is all over this thing. The examples I've given are only some of the many references to racialised histories and cultures that build out the broader fabric of multicultural Chicago here.

What is not present in The Bear is a script that is wasting time explaining the characters of colour and their rich inner and outer lives to white folks. Those things are just a given and we are invited to witness them being brought to vivid life by this cast and crew. And I am fucking here for it.

Respect and allyship

Another thing I LOVE about this show is the respect given to, and the recognition of, the experience, talent, drive and ambition of its characters of colour.

This is most obvious in the relationship between Syd and Carmy who are signalled as complementary equals in many ways. Others have written on the importance of the representation embodied by Sydney’s character and you should search out that analyses, especially when its authored by Black women. The only other thing I’d say about it is that I love Sydney’s character and I also love endgame Sydcarmy (even if it’s only hinted at in the last second of the last frame of the last ever episode lmao…I will take whatever I can get of these two 😭).

I also see the show’s respect and recognition manifest in The Bear's investment in its staff, particularly in season 2. Everyone who worked at The Beef has a role at The Bear and Carmy, Syd and Nat fund the ongoing training and upskilling of their largely racialised staff to make sure this happens. Ebra and Tina are paid to attend culinary school (Carmy also gives Tina his prized knife for her studies and beyond). Marcus is sent to stage in Copenhagen to develop his skills as a patissier. And then we have The Bear itself - what started as Carmy and Michael’s vision, is now the whole team’s baby, with Sydney literally being made the captain of the ship by Carmy at the end of ep 2x09.

GIF by @savagegood

Part of what was so tragic about Carmy's fridge spiral at the end of season 2 was that he didn't get to see how beautifully the team came through in a crisis. Instead we had him internalising, regressing and lamenting how he had let everyone down. This language centred Carmy as the be all and end all of The Bear (saviour vibes) when this couldn't have been further from the truth (particularly in a season where the man spent so much of his time not in the restaurant but chasing manic pixie no-last-name-having Claire....but I digress).

Carmy is his best when he checks his ego, takes a step back and realises that he is not alone. He is part of a whole chosen family supporting one another at The Bear. And I get the sense that the folks creating this show know that we need more white folks using their power and privilege to step back and facilitate access, and less gatekeeping white saviours taking credit where its not due.

After all, and paraphrasing Viola Davis, the only thing that separates people of colour from anyone else, is opportunity.

12/04/24 Note: I’ve amended this post because I forgot to mention the most pivotal example of Sydney along with her relationship with Carmy. Also made some slight stylistic changes to phrasing cos i fixate on errors lol

[tactfullyinappropriate]

This is part rant, part sex advice so read at your own discretion. Also one of those posts I'll get a lot of flak for.

In lesbian nsfw content on tumblr dot com one of the most prevalent sentiments is 'I want to pleasure my partner' (insert any variation on it) which is fair and all, and there are a lot of service tops around so it makes sense really. But. For some of us who have difficulty experiencing orgasm or even enjoying sex at all, making our pleasure the focal point of the experience is the absolute worst thing you could do.

It's a nice sentiment, I guess, but if it doesn't actually produce pleasure, is it really that nice? And before you come at me with 'some people really are just service tops and they get their pleasure from pleasuring their partner' - I get it, I do. As a top (or dom/me) you have the right to your preferences and you may absolutely refuse to tell your partner 'Your orgasm is inconsequential, I'm gonna fuck you anyway'. Not to mention that approach is verging on kinky and getting near mindfuck territory, which not every top (as in the person doing the penetration in this case) is comfortable with. Heck, not every dom/me is comfortable with that either - pretending to disregard your partner's pleasure can be a particular flavor of kink not everyone is into.

Buuut.. a lot of what I'm seeing here comes across more as a lack of real-world experience rather than a self-aware preference to focus on your partner's pleasure. Like for example, the amount of 'overstimulation' posts I'm seeing is just wildly disproportionate compared to the amount of women who can be forced to orgasm again and again, and again. This has never been my experience on either side of the dynamic, nor the experience of any of my friends or acquaintances. More often than not, women have trouble reaching a climax and can't really be "forced" into it.

Orgasms are not just a bodily sensation triggered by a certain type of mechanical stimulation. They require you to be in the right headspace as well. So if you actually want to bring about an orgasm, dropping the pressure may be (I want to say usually is) your best bet.

Look, I get it. I've been with women who come from a 2-minute clit rub. I didn't feel particularly accomplished with them... but they do exist! How wonderful for them and the people who just love pleasuring them. The rest of us however? 'Your pleasure is my pleasure' is the worst approach with us. Like, thanks, now if I don't come not only am I bruising your ego but also diminishing your pleasure? That's A LOT of pressure put on my fickle mental focus and unreliable vagina.

All of this is to say: it's fine to have your fantasies of overstimulating a partner to the point of incoherence. But be prepared that the reality of sex may be very, very different depending on how your partner's body and mind work. And sometimes, if your partner's pleasure really is that important to you, pretending it's the complete opposite might be the key to the castle - if you can get with that of course. Nothing's done a better job at helping me let go and experience actual pleasure than a partner's response to my 'I'm not sure if I can come though...':

"That's okay, baby. I don't need you to come for me to enjoy your body."

Um. Yes, Sir.

*I use the word 'woman' here purely based on my actual real-life experience so far but I'm sure this is applicable to a number of different identities. Even for some cis men orgasms are not as easy and effortless as porn makes it seem, I've been told.

[gettingfrilly]

Let's talk about Eddy and empathy

Okay, so. Hand-me-down Ed.

Lotta people talk about this episode. Lotta them have the take that the boomerang unleashed Eddy's repressed nurturing side. This is a very valid interpretation when you consider the abuse Eddy has endured and all the reasons he has to repress any nurture-type feelings. But here is the thing that I think. Or don't think. I don't think Eddy represses a secret nurturing side. I think it got repressed by outside forces when he was young and squishy and moldable, and now there's not really a whole lot of nurturing in there left for him to repress himself. I truly believe the intent of the episode was to show the Eds being the opposite of who they truly are. And Eddy, truly, in my opinion, is an incredibly traumatized kid with some really unfortunate learned behaviors and underdeveloped empathy muscles that just aren't gonna fully recover.

There are two episodes I wanna talk about to back up my claim.

Ah, Dueling Eds. Who doesn't like Dueling Eds? I certainly consider it one of my favorite episodes. It's a surprisingly serious episode with a genuine look at how Eddy navigates the consequences of hurting someone. That long silence in the van with Double D? His continuing insistence that he didn't do anything? Continually asking throughout the whole episode what the hell is even going on? Mwah. Chef's kiss. I've seen a few different theories for what's going on with Eddy in this episode, but I've always felt that he genuinely has no idea what he did, why everyone's acting the way they are, and is incredibly fucking frustrated by how little sense the whole situation is makes. He knows it has to do with the fishball; he even brings it up himself when he's talking about the incident with Double D later. But he doesn't understand why that was wrong. He doesn't get how something so inconsequential in his own mind could be so hurtful to Rolf, and he is either incapable of, or refuses to acknowledge, that just because it wasn't a big deal to him, doesn't mean it can't be a big deal to someone else. (We call this ~theory of mind~ btw and it's a big component of empathy.)

Another favorite of mine, Little Ed Blue. I've talked about this scene before because I love it for a lot of reasons, and one of those reasons is the insight we get into how Eddy's emotions have probably been addressed by those around him in the past. I mean, jeez, this is Ed! He's one of Eddy's most important people! A true and dear friend he's had since he was a toddler and one of the few people in the world who outwardly likes him and gets along with him. And what does he do when Ed's having a bad day? Calls him a wuss, laughs at him, invalidates his feelings, and tells him to get over himself. This is some grade fucking A asshole behavior, even for Eddy. And yet he does it easily without a shred of guilt, convinced this is the correct way to address a friend who's in the throes of misery. I mean, just look at this face.

Has Ed ever made a face like that? His feelings got fucking hurt man. (also, as a sibling, I can say that this is categorically the most Sibling moment between Eddy and Ed in the entire show.)

IMO, someone with a repressed nurturing side wouldn't be that baffled by how Rolf is reacting or be that cruel to their own best friend. This looks more like someone who genuinely has a low amount of empathy. So what's actually going on? Do I think Eddy is just some cold, uncaring asshole? Of course not! He's a traumatized 12 year old kid who's endured intense physical abuse. Cruelty was normalized for Eddy at a very young age. Why should Rolf be so upset about a fishball? It's not like Eddy beat him or something. And what's Ed got to be so miserable about? Men shouldn't act like wusses. Men are supposed to just get over it. And how could Eddy be wrong for thinking these things? It's what he was taught, after all. He learned these behaviors from his hero, after all. This is all he knows. This is what makes sense to him. It's Rolf and Ed who are being ridiculous.

That kind of stunted growth to someone's empathy isn't something so easily fixed. This is why I don't headcanon or write a more grown up Eddy as someone who learns he doesn't have to repress his nurturing side anymore; I see him as someone who's learned that nurturing and empathy are part of the whole "having friends" deal. He's learned that nurturing and empathy are what's considered normal, learned that it's what's expected of any decent human being, man or not. He's also learned, a la BPS, that you have to be a good friend to have good friends. It doesn't come naturally to him. It's gonna take a lot of hard work and growth on his part. But even if Eddy doesn't always understand why he needs to be gentler, needs to just listen, needs to offer a shoulder to cry on, that doesn't mean he won't do it for the sake of his friends. Because even if empathy ain't his strong suit, even if being empathetic is hard fucking work, he still genuinely and wholeheartedly cares about his friends and cares about doing right by them.

[succulentsiren]

How to Structure Your Life Like a BOSS: SucculentSiren X @femmefatalevibe

FemmeFataleVibe

• Set Priorities

• Write Everything Down

• Devise A Plan

• Prioritize Important Tasks Like Non-Refundable Appointments

• Consider Batching Similar Tasks For Better Time Management & Productivity

• Become Attuned To Your Natural Energy Patterns

• Develop Self-Awareness Around Your Self-Sabotaging Behaviors

• Drop Inconsequential Tasks and Conversations

• Find Mentors (Online or IRL) Who You Allow Into Your Inner Circle 

Ask Yourself: * What are the main 3 action items you could complete this week that would best serve your goals?

* Approximately what percentage of your to-do list each week aligns with your priorities?

* What are some habits you could add or eliminate that would help you feel more in control of your life?

✦•······················•

SucculentSiren

• Time Management - Become aware of how you are managing your time. Set timers to remind you of your daily goals. Things flows easier when you set time aside everyday rather than trying to do everything at once or procrastinating. It can literally be just 10 minutes a day. This builds consistency and habit. You’ll also become less stressful in knowing that you don't have to complete everything all at once.

• Self Awareness - Identify what you want, how you want your life to look, what things in your life you would like to change, who you want to be seen as, etc. Develop self belief where you believe you're capable of achieving and having all your desires. Take calculated action towards your goals. You don’t have to start big. Start small instead and learn from there. Stay persistent and always remember your end goal. ‘Rome wasn't built in a day.’

• Mentors - Learn from people who inspire you. Everybody influences you, so follow those who motivate you to be and feel better about yourself.

Q&A

Q: Many people find it challenging to put themselves first and make something of themselves. How would you recommend prioritizing yourself?

SS: If someone else can have it why can’t you? Build up your self esteem. Write down what it is that you desire most for your life and act in accordance to those beliefs. Nothing is too big or small for you to achieve.

FFV: Give yourself at least 30 minutes after waking up to focus on yourself. Do your skincare, have your coffee, listen to music, journal, read. Allow yourself to ease into your day.

Have your non-negotiables for the day. Get them done when you say you will and don’t push yourself to do more if you’re exhausted or get too overwhelmed. Communicate your bandwidth to others so you set realistic expectations involved for any project, event, get-together, or errand.

Ensure you give yourself enough time to eat 2-3 healthy meals daily, drink enough water, move for at least 20-30 minutes a day, and have a hygiene routine (shower skincare, home cleaning, etc.) that you perform daily/weekly depending on the task.

Give yourself at least an hour before bed to wind down – with a book, TV show, drinking tea, journaling, relaxing music, etc.

Incorporate daily/weekly rituals you enjoy into your schedule. Make these self-love practices as much of a priority as taking a shower or a work task. These activities could be doing a face mask, getting your nails down, have a great cup of coffee or tea, watching an episode of a TV show, a long walk around your neighborhood, calling someone you love, etc.

✦•······················•

Q: What are some tips to maintain balance between work, play and rest?

FFV: Give yourself “business hours” to do your work/important tasks – even if you don’t have an employer setting your schedule. This tip is essential if you’re self-employed, a business owner, or a student. I share my business hours in all of my contracts so my clients know when I’ll be available.

Timeblock everything: Your work tasks, cleaning schedule, errands/appointments and even your resting/self-care hours. This process allows you to stop decision fatigue from taking over your life. If you say you’re cleaning from 2 -3 pm tomorrow, get it done so you have from 3 pm onward to chill, take a walk, and watch TV later that weekend afternoon.

Decision on your must-do self-care rituals for the day/week and keep your promise to do them for yourself.

Become attuned to your social battery. Know how many hangouts per week or nights out helps you thrive (say 1-3 times per week if you’re more introverted or busy with work, school, family, etc.). Make an effort to plan these events on your social calendar ahead of time or know yourself well enough to remain open to last-minute plans on certain days/times of the week (if you’re prone to cancelling or flaking).

[peachlybeloved]

I posted on twitter recently about how frustrating it is to watch episodes in which Mulder is inexplicably far more cold and dismissive towards Scully, and I’ve been thinking deeply hard about it ever since and I realized what I REALLY wanted to say was that I don’t ACTUALLY believe Fox Mulder is a perfect guy. In fact, the real reason I wrote that post was more so because I staunchly dislike the way that gets handled in the writer’s room.

To start the discussion, Fox Mulder is a victim of trauma which has caused him to become partly antisocial. He also happens to be a man. If you want the truth, I think Mulder can ABSOLUTELY be rude sometimes!! In fact, I think he has a terrible case of foot-in-mouth syndrome. He is impulsive. He is childish. He is obsessive. He can be inappropriately crass and honestly kind of a creep at times. He is! unfortunately! sometimes dismissive and condescending towards Scully!! Both of which are a result of him being rather socially inept and also, as I mentioned before, a man. A man capable of misogyny.

Obviously, these traits are reasonably unpleasant to view. But if he was perfect, he wouldn’t be an interesting character, which is why, in a literary sense, these traits STILL make him a compelling character. Or at least, they give him the potential for this to be the case.

To get to my point, it’s really the way these traits of his are HANDLED in the writer’s room that pisses me off!! ^_^ WITH such negative traits, the writers have the opportunity to move him in a better direction ON SCREEN towards growth and self-betterment. However, these episodes of which I speak ENTIRELY FAIL TO ADDRESS THIS BEHAVIOR FROM HIM. In order for these negative traits to pay off they must be acknowledged and/or addressed, neither of which seem to happen as a consequence of his behavior.

During these “dickhead” episodes, none of the characters really seem to pick up on it let alone challenge him. And in the rare chance they do, he doesn’t change and it’s never spoken of again. Most frustratingly of all, these spells of childish and rude behavior are often confined to a single episode. Just one isolated 45-minute event in which he seems far more irate than usual and in turn, acts dismissively and coldly, often towards a woman he claims to love, and often disregarding all previously established character development. And so, the next episode rolls around and we’re back to regular programming. The more familiar balance between his lovable traits with his more challenging ones. And so you see, when the writers dial up the dickheadisms for an episode, fail to address it, and move on like it didn’t mean a thing, THATS FRUSTRATING. It’s frustrating because there was potential for him to get to build character, to learn to respect Scully better, to grow as a man and set a good example. So when the writers choose not to acknowledge the problem, it feels more like they just wanted Mulder to go on an inconsequential power-trip of vague misogyny and self-importance. Which DOES feel like a betrayal to his character. And it’s a betrayal to his character NOT to properly examine his negative traits, where they come from, and how he can grow from them, precisely BECAUSE he IS. Ultimately. A LOVABLE PERSON.

You see, this really isn’t a Mulder-bashing post at all, because I really do love him!! Aside from being rude and condescending and a bit of a fucking freak sometimes, Fox Mulder IS a kind person under this defensive trauma induced layer of coldness he puts on sometimes. He is dedicated, he is compassionate, and he is relentlessly loyal to the few select people he chooses to love.

I KNOW he does grow and change across seasons, slowly opening up to possibilities and ideas he hasn’t before considered, learning to let people in and love him, and in turn learning to love them back properly. I just would have loved to see this growth addressed more head-on in writing without it coming off as a joke to the writers. An unflawed character is boring writing, but writing a flawed character and then failing to let him visibly change or even address why it’s a problem is frustrating writing.

In conclusion: Fox Mulder possesses a myriad of antisocial traits which he was socialized into for reasons outside of his control. This is amazing set up for a GREAT character growth arc which ultimately has felt far too underdeveloped and sloppy to me so far. Which is! Disappointing whenever it jumps out on screen to say the least. I still love him endlessly tho. :,)

So anyway. THATSSS probably my biggest critique abt the x-files writer’s room abt half-way through!! ^_^ See ya.

[quantumshade]

okay actually i rewatched potd the other day and. i have so many gripes with that episode. so many. but what really got me is how like. inconsequential 13's death feels, and not inconsequential in the right way.

honestly 13's regeneration feels a LOT like 10's, but missing all of the beats that made 10's work. let me explain:

(under a cut because HOLY SHIT this got long. don't let classicists write dr who meta)

both 10's and 13's regenerations are prophesied to them. ten gets the woman in planet of the dead, carmen, who says "he will knock four times." thirteen gets the Literal Incarnation Of Time telling her, "beware of the forces that mass against you. and their master."

both their regenerations happen after a short-ish period of time, at least for a time lord. 10 regenerates after only a handful of years, a decade at most, and 13 spends the majority of her life in prison for decades. that's nothing!! 11 and 12 both had centuries.

ten cheating regeneration with tentoo and then regenerating a few episodes later anyway 🤝 thirteen cheating regeneration after being forced into being the master and then back again and then dying almost immediately after anyway

they both almost make it out!! but they don't, and it's heartbreaking!

what's different between them, to me, is their reactions to their deaths. a lot of people who don't like rtd era/ten complain about the scene where he has a breakdown before saving wilf, complaining that he's being whiny or whatever, but in my mind, he has every right to be whiny and upset. regeneration is a death, as established earlier in the episode. it's hard, starting over again and again and again, becoming someone new, especially when he's only had this body for a couple of years AND he believes his next body is his last.

yknow why he's upset in that scene? because he could just walk away. he could just let wilf take the fall, let one, inconsequential old man die, and go off and have adventures forever. but it's not a choice for him. because he's the doctor, and the doctor would never, ever take the other choice. he was always going to save wilf. there's no world in which he didn't.

but he's scared of dying. he's scared of change. he's lost everyone he's ever loved in this body, often in horrible, unchangeable ways. and it's a sad story. but it's an incredibly narratively satisfying one, because it's a culmination of ten's entire arc. he lost his way, broke all his own rules, and was punished heavily for it, but in the end, he still does the right thing, because at their core, the doctor is a good person.

there's a running theme in just about pretty much all of doctor who from 1963 onwards that every single person is important and every life matters. 9 dies to save rose, but is also prepared to die permanently to save the human race. 10 dies to save wilf. 11, after centuries of running away from responsibilities and problems, settles down to protect one town on one planet, accepting he will die for good there. 12 dies to save a handful of people on a ship--"maybe not many, maybe not for long"--accepting all of this might be for nothing, but he does it because it's the right thing to do. because it's kind. the doctor does these things, lays down their lives one right after another because they are fundamentally a kind person.

13 lets people sacrifice themselves for her. multiple times. like. four different people she BARELY knows sacrifice themselves for her (i.e. the derry girls grandpa in "the timeless children" and the one pirate guy in "legend of the sea devils"). and she LETS them. i'm not saying this as a gripe against her, but rather, the writing that doesn't consider those lives important.

people sacrifice themselves for other doctors, of course, it happens all the time. to keep using ten as an example, river is one, and that prickish kid from the sontaran episodes, but he doesn't LET them. they don't give him that choice. and when he IS given that choice, to let someone "inconsequential" die in his place, he doesn't take it.

and then the way 13 does die just feels so... nothing. the master's angry at her, so he aims a large and slow moving Beam at her, and she basically stands there while it hits her. and that's it. honestly i would have been much happier with it if they said it was a product of the forced regeneration from earlier. that would have made a lot more sense. but the whole thing with the qorunx (is that what it's called??) just feels so... last minute. like they forgot that she needed to die at the end of the episode so they just shoved something in. it feels like an afterthought.

yaz's exit feels the same way. you're telling me she fought for four years in the past to get back to the doctor, and now she's just leaving because the doctor is regenerating? it feels like yaz and the doctor both had endings because the narrative said they needed endings, not because their character arcs had come to a satisfying close.

they deserved better. yaz deserved an exit that was fair to her as a character. the doctor deserved a death that mattered. and she deserved to be more upset about her death.

she gets a little bit, just a taste, of an emotional moment: "No. No. That's not right. I need more time. I want more time!", before immediately accepting her death and coming to terms with it. "And I have loved being me," she says. but me, as a viewer who cares about characterization and storytelling, asks, "have you?"

because 13 spent more time of this life IN PRISON than out of it. her life outside was never easy, either, she rarely got moments of true happiness. hell, in this regeneration, she found out her entire life was a lie!

...but she loved being her?

i think 13 should have gotten to be angry and upset that she wasn't given those moments of peace or happiness. she didn't get a lot of time being her, and the time she did get was fraught and difficult and painful. she should have gotten to be upset about not having more time for more than 0.2 seconds. she should have been allowed to be afraid of dying. or at least upset about dying.

i don't know. i don't know if this post is at all coherent but i'm just really disappointed in potd and my rewatch really cemented that. it didn't have the emotional resonance that i wish it did. it felt rushed, overstuffed, and, much like the rest of chibnall era, not well thought out.

[kimberlyannharts]

ftr I loved the return, namely for the kim content, but am I alone in feeling like Olivia's role basically being morpher delivery girl after all the months of build up is a bit of a letdown. like everyone was excited for the tomberly daughter green ranger before the comic said anyway thanks for saving us now immediately give back the dragon coin in favour of an approved Girl Coin That's Way More Your Colour. I feel like I came to this series for her and barely saw her 😅

This is an interesting critique because while I would definitely say Olivia's reveal was the thing that got people talking about The Return after the initial novelty of "the original Pink Ranger is writing a Power Rangers story" wore off, the premise was always meant to be Amy's contribution to the 30 year anniversary; centered on the actual MMPRs and their lives thirty years after this traumatic event and coming back to finish things once and for all, not Olivia. And you guys know I love her more than anything but that was ultimately for the best, I think.

Thinking back to Once and Always, Minh is absolutely the best thing about the special because she had the most depth and was the emotional core of the whole thing, but that's kind of.....not great? For a special supposedly meant to celebrate the classic characters and concepts from thirty years ago giving all of the good material and focus to a completely new character? It's why there was so much discourse about Simon and BeccAlwyn not being the right ones to work on such a special; because they're great with their original concepts but don't really understand the classic ones beyond "hey! Mantis Style was a thing Trini did in the original show, right? idk what she's done with her life in the thirty-year-timespan or even how Minh came into existence or what she thinks about being a Ranger while being a parent. But I know she was scared of heights!"

The Return makes better use of the actual show characters and treats them like people beyond what you can read about them on the wiki and that's why it's a far more successful 30 year anniversary celebration. I don't think it would have if it went the OaA route and made it all about the OC kid we only just met. Especially when BOOM giving their OCs more and more priority these days is starting to get noticed and criticized by fandom.

As for your second bit I think implying that Olivia ended up getting the Pterodactyl Coin because that's the Girl Color is a bit unfair? Like first of all Olivia getting Pink was ALSO part of the early drafts. Second of all it makes sense for the narrative presented about Kim's trauma and attitude toward Rangerhood that she feels she needs to step back and let someone else take over vs how the Green powers are the only stable thing in Tommy's life after he was gone for twenty years. (I know the theory of him getting White was tossed around but if we're being real idk how that would have happened outside of "well Tommy was White in the og show, so......") Third of all I just like that Olivia has now had her hand in both parents' legacies. The fact that Tommy and Kim are BOTH important to Olivia's character is one of the best parts about her, versus how JJ was all about Tommy with Kat being inconsequential and Minh's dad never being considered at all. (I do hope being pink means she won't ditch her jacket though. It's already an iconic design.)

In the end while I am hoping and praying we'll get a sequel because Olivia will absolutely be the focus character then - going back to the early drafts again, she WAS the main protagonist there! - I think she got enough personality and presence that I'm very happy with what we got. I like that she wasn't immediately a pro with the powers and was mature enough to know she had to hand them off to someone more qualified but at the same time had notable contributions of killing Finster and bringing back Tommy in the first place. I like how she and Kim clearly love each other more than anything. I like that she's canonically kind of stupid just like we hoped. I like that she wears tops that are way too big for her. she's just like me fr

[lovecolibri]

It’s funny how some shippers think the lack of detail given to Marisol and Natalia mean that they’re not endgame and Buddie will still be canon. When to me it’s the opposite. That WAS the end, the presumed end, and it was so important to the show that Eddie and Buck end up with women that the women themselves didn’t matter at all. They gave more attention to one-off victim characters than they did to the woman halves of Eddie & Buck’s supposed happy endings. The message isn’t “this won’t last.” The message is “the femaleness of this character is all that matters because straight. Straight straight hetero straight. 🙃” I genuinely think Buddie would have more of a chance if they had bothered to tell us why Buck likes Natalia so much, or why Eddie thinks there’s a spark with Marisol. Given us anything about the characters themselves. But they gave us female blank slates because they wanted to message that the female part is the most important thing. So it’s just wild to me to see people interpreting it as a positive sign. Which I guess maybe I’m just a pessimist, but it looks a lot like denial to me.

"it was so important to the show that Eddie and Buck end up with women that the women themselves didn’t matter at all." 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 SAY THAT Nonnie! I've also seen a LOT of comments about how "well they had to wrap everything up nicely because they thought it was the end of the show so I get it, they didn't want to rush if it was Buddie" and like....*Chidi voice* You DO get how that's worse right? Because a) they could have absolutely had an open ending with Buck picking out his own couch and Eddie being content with his life right now and how full it is with family and friends and Chris, b) they COULD have done ambiguous Buddie with the Buckley-Diaz boys on the couch together playing video games which could be seen as platonic OR romantic so everyone is happy because it's a fan favorite dynamic AND they have been shown as a family for years so they don't need the build up, or c) they could have gone full on Buddie and yeah it would suck to not get more but again, the build up is already kinda there AND it would break the internet if people knew THAT was the finale and the buzz might have gotten them picked up if ABC hadn't already made the announcement.

They literally chose the worst, most lazy option that even outside of Buddie very specifically goes against things the show outright stated in the text that both Buck and Eddie needed to do this season wrt their dating lives. Which....to ME is a bit of a headscratcher because it says they KNEW the backlash that would happen about these relationships (we had the hint about Marisol coming back but Natalia? If that live with Aisha hadn't happened we would have been fucking BLINDSIDED they kept it so under wraps). So rather than commit to telling the arcs well and just ignoring the backlash from "a small part of the viewership", they waited until the last second to drop these half-formed love interests into relationships with Buck and Eddie at a time they thought the show was done and they wouldn't have to deal with it anymore. So which is it? Is the Buddie fandom so small it's inconsequential and we should all just be quiet and realize the show doesn't need us and therefore will never give us what we want no matter how much noise we make? Or is the backlash from social media actually something that's taken into consideration and the show had to make sure to get to the end of the season without alienating that part of the fanbase? They can't have it both ways. Either we're not important enough to be taken seriously in which case it's just shitty storytelling, or we're loud enough to cause serious problems so they have to do jussssst enough to keep the backlash down until they don't have to anymore because the show is over. Which sounds a lot like "shipbait" to me.

I'm leaving of with this quote of yours because fuck me, I've yet to see anything more true about this situation.

The message isn’t “this won’t last.” The message is “the femaleness of this character is all that matters"

[the-barricade]

one of the reasons I love vil so much is that he’s not just fixated on looks, but it’s just the thing that shows most prominently at first glance. Kind of how like a model’s catwalk isn’t the most important or necessarily worked on thing but the most recognisable. Which I think is why he cares about them at all, because he’s noticed that although he’s put work into so many aspects of himself, the one that people cling onto and has had the most impact is his looks. He just wants other people to be able to have those same experiences, or rather, not be a carbon copy of his life journey, but not to limit themselves from any opportunities. We see this a lot with epel because not only is he teaching him how to improve his looks but also teaching him self-acceptance because epel was limiting himself and his personality to “manly” things to try and make up for something inconsequential. And Vil’s stance that epel’s looks don’t make him less of a man also show his belief that looks don’t define a person. Also the thing about looks is that they’re often a good indicator of wether you’re taking care of yourself or not, and vil wants people to be at their best both mentally and physically. But I feel like that’s where a lot of people misinterpret him by saying he wouldn’t like or would be rude to conventionally “ugly” people or people who look different because something out of their control. But vil holds a lot of respect for people who put effort into things and it’s not so much that someone looks “good” that he cares about, but rather they look their own, personal best. But the effort thing is so obviously important to him from the neige/overblot thing. Because there we saw him get overwhelmed with anger, not just jealousy. And this was because his jealousy was what blinded him to the effort, or the type of effort that neige was putting in all the same. Which is why I think that scene where he explains neige’s background is so important because he’s trying to redeem his past misconception because he truly does respect the work neige put in. And I don’t know I just appreciate him a lot cause he cares for his dorm members so obviously and it’s so endearing - which I think a lot of people forget that the reason he’s so strict with his fellow pomefiore students is because it’s quite literally his job to lead them in a sense, and because he’s worked so hard to get into that position (I think this also goes for riddle, although both of them were obviously too unbending before their overblots)(esp riddle). Anyways it’s definitely at times a bit of a downfall with his phrasing, (as in, he could be nicer, but this is a game about showing different sides to villains are you really surprised.) BUT this is also an important positive to his character (so it’s kind of a double-edged sword) in that he’s willing to be strict or play the villain, even be disliked to make his fellow students better people.

anyways I love this man, rant over.

[elatedandexasperated]

So RWRB was a movie with some discourse...

In all honesty, the discourse has bugged me more than any issues with the film itself. I get a film adaptation not living up to personal expectations set by a book is... a response that people have, but the fact some people have been trying to convince people it's not worth watching bothers me.

Don't get me wrong, I've seen all of the love for it too and I know the antis for the film are definitely in the minority. No one can control how anyone relates or who is allowed to enjoy a piece of media, but the sheer hatred I've seen from some of the people on here for the film hurts a bit to see. The arguments seem to be no deeper than "x character was removed" , "there's these plot holes" and "it's too formulaic" that last one of which I feel was kind of the point: it's a formulaic romcom so that queer people can have a fairy tale romance story like the straight ones that get shoved down our throats from a young age by companies like Disney. McQuiston, an NB writer, has gone on record stating that a huge reason why they write is to feature queer identities and make stories that people like them would have liked to read and feel represented by when they were younger.

If this was a straight Hallmark romcom (which tbf, it basically is in terms of story structure, and I low-key love it because of that) it wouldn't have made so much as a blip on most people's radars. But because it features queer characters the threshold for scrutiny seems to have been dropped to the floor (insert "Get Low" joke here). I can get having criticisms of the film, I have a few myself, but the attempt to convince people the film is bad and to disregard it as a whole because of them ignores the positive qualities, what the film means to people in the queer community, what its success can lead to in terms of representation for underrepresented people in the community (Ace, bi, NB, trans, etc.), and an understanding of intricacies that go into adaptation.

At the end of the day, this film was competently made (and in my opinion, well made) by a gay director with an inclusive team and a deep care for both the source material and an understanding of what the film would mean for millions of viewers. It featured experiences and themes that are common to many people in the community with several very poignant messages that actually have huge metatextual implications with the film (The "forced conformity of the closet" quote sticks out in particular to me: the number of op-eds speculating Nick and Taylor's sexualities and how they've been mum about them makes me think a lot of people missed that one; also looking at you, people that forced Kit Connor out of the closet 😒)

The film is a celebration of love featuring characters that people like me and others in the community can relate to. Is it formulaic? Yes. Did they remove some characters to try and create a tighter narrative focused on the main romantic pair? Yes. Is it overly cheesy and so unrealistically sweet that it will give me diabetes? Delightfully so.

So ending on a positive note, I just want to run down some things I've loved about it:

- An mlm story with an actual happy ending that features adult main leads! (Credit to youth stories, they're important, but as an adult it's hard to relate to teenage characters sometimes)

- The charisma both TZP and NG just radiate throughout the movie

- Sarah Shahi eating the absolute SHIT out of every scene she's in (Touch her and die)

- Same for Rachel Hilson

- Uma Thurman and Stephen Fry (enough said)

- The acting overall was fantastic

- The care and work put into intimate scenes and inclusion of an intimacy coordinator

- On a personal level, I loved seeing parallels between Alex and Henry's relationship and the relationship I have with my husband. For the first time in my 30 years I actually see a little of myself in an uplifting and happy piece of media and not portrayed as a dramatic tragedy, villain, or inconsequential background character.

Tl;Dr if you didn't like the movie, that's your opinion. I'm not here to try and convince you otherwise. But please stop trying to convince people it shouldn't be watched. Regardless of your opinion, this film means a lot to a lot of people, including the author of the original book! Just let us enjoy this imperfect, but tasty cheese with our w(h)ine ❤️

[welcometogrouchland]

"Hunter should have gotten to kill Belos" I get the instinct and I think his desire for revenge was an important part of his development this season (learning that the things that happened to him were wrong and he's allowed to feel angry about it and want justice) but ultimately for the future showed that Hunter isn't happy when he's seeking revenge. He's angry, unlike himself, so wrapped up in his own grief that he can't reach out to the people he loves. Hunter never needed revenge. He needed a support system, closure for his loss and the promise of people who love him and a future where he can finally be who he wants.

His powers provide closure for his loss (flapjacks sacrifice wasn't for nothing, he'll never forget his first friend who's now helping him out from beyond the grave, always a permanent part of him), has a support system (first the hexsquad/Nocedas and then Darius and Eberwolf) and knows what he wants (his speech at the end of thanks to them). Whatever happened with Hunter after the scene in the detention pit where he's finally able to admit how much his friends mean to him is inconsequential, because that was the crux of his arc.

Hunter doesn't like revenge. I'm not even sure Caleb and the golden guards were ever anything other than a figment of Belos' imagination (although I love the golden ghosts concept for fanfic purposes) meant to represent the one thing that could make Belos feel guilty. And then he bullheadely ignores them, because he refuses to ever admit that he could be wrong.

This show has also rarely (if ever) championed revenge. It just hasn't. On a petty scale, yes, characters are allowed to get intentional and unintentional revenge. But this show is fundamentally very big on restorative justice and sticks to it's guns on this theme even when traditional western storytelling would deem a punitive approach the most satisfying. Because punitive approaches historically are bad at inducing change and growth (which is what this whole series is about)

It would've been a whole other can of worms to have the extremely kind boy that is hunter succumb to his most belos-like instincts (bc Belos thinks he's getting revenge for himself and for (his own, twisted idea of-) his brother for most of the series, I think) in the final minutes of his arc that's otherwise been dedicated to healing.

I get it. It's one of those things where, because of human nature (but also western nurture) and the general trends of stories like these. We want Hunter to kill him. But I honestly don't think that was ever on the cards, no matter what I may have wanted/thought before. It makes sense in retrospect to me. And it feels like this was always what the crew had planned.

Again, you don't have to like it. It's okay to like vengeance in your stories! I love a good old fashioned vengeance storyline! (though I think it's wrong to say that toh is a story that, based on what we knew before WaD aired, promoted or venerated vengeance). But I don't think it's fair to act like the writers are unintelligent for this decision. They're not. They're just coming at the scene with different priorities

[huggingtentacles]

“Dumb questions are encouraged”

Alright Bet.

How do I like. Start!????

How much vigour is recommended? Whats the bare minimum if I’m intentionally playing a glass cannon?

Will people get mad at me if I use Madness (inescapable frenzy n all that. I genuinely just love the whole maddeningly gazing into each other’s eyes routine, The one-shot potential is secondary. but I know that doesn’t matter and even if it did it’s not like I can Communicate that.)

How do I communicate that I’m literally just a silly little guy still figuring things out and to please be patient with me because I’m just trying to have fun

And finally. How do I get over The Fear.

Took me a while to reply because this might be a very important post to a lot of people.

How to start Elden Ring Invasions:

Building your character

Start by making a good build. In all honesty, any build that has 60 vigor (at levels higher than 110) will be at least capable of something no matter how the rest of your stats are spread. If you're a glass canon, always sacrifice your health last. Stamina, mind and unnecessary damage stats can go.

A good build consists of 2 components:

Damage Attributes and Utility Attributes.

Damage Attributes are: Dexterity, Strength, Faith, Intelligence and Arcane

Utility Attributes are: Vigor, Endurance and Mind

A good build has one damage stat if you're going for a pure build, or two damage stats if you're going for a hybrid. 60 vigor is almost obligatory on most builds that are at level 125 and higher. Then you have just enough endurance to carry your armour without fat rolling. The rest is damage stats. If you cast spells you also level some mind.

If you ever need advice with your build, ask away in my DMs!

Will people get mad at me if I invade?

Most won't. Some will. The truth is that as an invader, you are the opposing force in someone's playthrough. You're engaging in competitive multiplayer where you fight another player. And some people just can't take a loss. Your madness build might certainly not please everyone, but let me tell you something: it doesn't matter! Play what is fun for you. Most people are normal about video game encounters, so don't worry about upsetting someone.

How to be silly

Generally, fromsoft players have a sense of humour. They appreciate a funny username and silly fashion. They also understand the importance of improvement.

I remember learning how to play sniper back in Team Fortress 2. To not upset anyone, I just named myself as "I'm practicing sniper" And everyone just understood that I'm aware that I'm not doing well. "Trying my best" is a good name for the character you're going to be invading on. But maybe some jokes are more to your liking. Cosplay builds are all over this game, and they're very memorable encounters!

Do gestures (from a safe distance!) have a silly name, and do your best.

How do I get over The Fear?

Fear of underperforming and dying embarrassingly?

Nobody is judging your performance as an invader.

Fear of upsetting someone?

Dying in Elden Ring is inconsequential, the worst that can happen is a minor loss of runes that are easily found. Don't worry about it. Despite what Redditors will have you believe, most people enjoy getting invaded.

Fear of not being good?

Everyone is bad when they start, it takes a bit of time before you get the hang of it.

Fear in general?

Sleep well, eat well, have a shower, hydrate, have a clean and neat gaming space. It noticeably reduces all negative emotions while gaming, and very noticeably improves your gaming skills. Your physical form affects you more than you think!

If you ever have any questions, feel free to ask!

[inbetweenknacksandnooks]

I might not have finished the new story yet, but I focused on The Mystery of Arpeggio Fault and aaauuhh! I love it so much!

I'm VERY biased because the TV Mode grew on me so much that Hollow Zero is one of my favorite things to do in ZZZ, and SOLDIER 11! RREAAAH!! WE (I) GET TO SEE SOLDIER 11! AND SHE'S IN HER NATURAL HABITAT! MY BABY BONFIRE!

I screamed and squee-d in joy for like 5 minutes!

I'm also not exaggerating when I say that I screenshot every single bit of Soldier 11's dialogue!

She's actually slightly more casual in her wording (mostly in that one-time instance where she said, 'Yeah.' Instead of a more direct, 'Yes.', and calling the Bangboo a, "smart little guy" making her a little less ridgid than I thought she would be. She also uses the word, "minor hiccup" instead of "minor setback"

Though, it could also just be because she's at ease with us, and not on edge, since she's worked with us before on Mole in the Hole.

She also insists on being called, 'Soldier 11' instead of Ms. Dispatch Officer

Apparently, one of the reasons why she constantly forgets your "name" is because she wants to concentrate on more important things.

In one of her Voiced Trust events, near the end, she does properly say your MC's codename, meaning that this whole mission would take place before that trust event, after Mole in the Hole, and after she gains enough trust with you that she allows you to handle breaking bad news to the Bangboo (either that, OR she relies on other officers from her squad to relay emotional information to others, rather than herself, as she might already know that she's just not good with those things.)

Also, she says this:

(I'm just adding this to gloat over, she's just so cute!)

I've just started the 3rd stage, and I just wanted to talk about how much I love Soldier 11 and how much I'm happy that she's here!

My dialogue examination skills are rather poor, and this is likely inconsequential dialogue that doesn't directly let you know if Soldier 11 would use more general, or less stiff wording with those she's close to, or if the people working on her dialogue for this patch just didn't think about how she might say it. Either way, this is my heacanon now!

Also! One last thing:

I'm starting to think more and more that Anby and Soldier 11 aren't completely clones, and are more similar to sisters...

I know that most people either think that they're sisters, or clones, so I believe this might be evidence for the former.

[squarebracketsmileyface]

BE SAPPY AND WEIRD ABOUT YOUR PROJECT!!! YOU DO DESERVE A HAPPY ENDING!!! AND YOU DESERVE TO TALK ABOUT THE WAYS YOU REALIZED THAT YOU DESERVE IT!!! ARRRARARA YOURE MY FRIEND AND I LOVE SEEING MY FRIENDS HAPPY

I will CRY /threat

Also I took this as an excuse to ramble, because actually thinking about it, damn this fic has done a lot for me. Like this is dramatic as shit but genuinely writing this fic has changed my life in such a good way. You don't have to read all this lol, it's a mess and weird and ended up extremely long, it was just nice to put it down in writing cos it's been meandering around in my head for a while but I haven't spent much time thinking about it in a coherent way and it was nice to get all my ducks in a row with it all

God though, this fic has helped me figure out so many things, and it's so important to me. Like half of what it helped me figure out isn't even things I could put into words properly, like I can't bullet point most of those things, they're just weird emotional things that are just there.

Anyway, back to my dramatic ass "this fic changed my life." Like just for one I've made friends because of it which is amazing, but also like, just the things this fic has helped me process and understand? Like idk they feel like they shouldn't mean that much and should be fairly inconsequential, but they just aren't? Like the whole "hey maybe I can allow Lark to have a happy ending in an "everybody lives" au of this AU" kinda came about at the same time as I started to really settle mentally into my relationship with my boyfriend and stopped feeling that vague threatening feeling of "this is going to hurt like a bitch when something goes disastrously wrong and ruins our relationship, whether platonic or queerplatonic, forever". Like I started really properly feeling and believing "hey maybe it won't go disastrously wrong and he is just a very lovely guy who absolutely won't turn around and be evil and purposefully hurt me at some later date" instead at around the same time I was like "hey maybe Lark's relationship with Tim wouldn't fall all the way the fuck apart and maybe she'd actually get to raise her kid and be a good mum with a good partner and live a nice life where everything would turn out fine in the end."

And also like, another thing this fic helped me figure out a bit is like, just people mentioning how much the way I write Jay makes them think he'd have bpd in this au? Like I think you were one of the first people to mention that and honestly it's put so many things in perspective for me about just, the way my brain works that I didn't have an explanation for before? Or I did, I tried to explain it with Autism but it didn't quite fit perfectly. And like, I still don't know if I have bpd and I probably won't for a long while, but I write all my characters as me in some way, and Jay especially started out as basically just a self insert wearing a terrible wig and those mustache glasses. But from what I've looked into about bpd now it does seem to fit pretty well, especially the parts people have talked about with like, "very intense but unstable relationships with others"? Thankfully I'm better about that now than I was a few years ago? Tho sometimes I still get scared I'm about to become obsessed with my boyfriend in that way that ruins my relationships with people 💀💀 And the thing with like acting really impulsively? Though I've gotten better at stamping down every rage fuelled "hey you should throw this water bottle at that person's broken arm because they hurt you" type impulse since I was a kid. I now know how not to just lash out and harm people way more than they've hurt me, even when it's all my brain can think to do. So like?

Sorry anyway 💀💀💀 that was such a weird ramble to go on. But speaking of obsessions that ruin relationships

I haven't really talked about it much on here, but when I was 16 I was in a sort of similar place to Jay with Alex, not the friends with benefits bit (though yeah there were a few Very Interesting sexual things going on there that I'm definitely not gonna talk about in anything but the broadest strokes 💀) but definitely the "I'm going to string you along because I like you back but you like me way more than I like you and i dont know how to deal with you, so ill have my fun then ignore you the rest of the time," kinda stuff. And like, I was still pretty angry about that when I started writing this fic and it actually kinda helped me feel less angry at the guy? Because at first Alex was at least loosely based on him and the feelings I had about all that (and then later on Alex became a bit more Also Based On Me like Jay is lol). Like, in my case it was apparently a lot more that guys fault than it ended up being with Jay and Alex? I just kinda assumed it was entirely my fault for not texting him first enough cos I was terrified of annoying him by acting as clingy as I felt 💀 but apparently my guy was just actually a little shitty? (again, not gonna go into that here, it's a mess 💀), but like, for at least some of the less Actually Pretty Fucked Up things he did I kinda got to understand where he was coming from through thinking about Jay and Alex and thinking about Alex's pov. Like, he wasn't trying to be cruel, he just didn't like me as much as I liked him. I got obsessed with him and he was just there for some casual sexting and flirting etc lol

But like, yeah. This fic is so important to me, especially Jay and Tim's relationship. I haven't been thinking about that quite as much recently because I've been focussing on If It Ain't Broken and Jaylex, and I might not even get to focus on it in exactly the way I want to for the next Jam fics in the series, but like. Jay's hang ups over Alex and feeling scared that "what if Tim is just the same" is loosely something I've struggled with too. I'm better with it now than I was a year ago, but even so, every now and again not getting a reply to a message pretty much straight away can send me careening down "oh my god I've annoyed him, oh my god he's not going to talk to me for two weeks straight" street lol. Plus other weird hang ups that Jay most certainly doesn't have 💀

My boyfriend puts up with so much, he's wonderful, ily Vin if you're reading this.

Hell, even the way Jay and Alex end up leaving things at the very end of If It Ain't Broken is actually kinda similar to how stuff ended with me and my guy, I didn't even think about that till now. Alex is just gonna go off with Amy out of the blue and Jay isn't going to know what to do, even though he sort of saw it coming? Like he could kinda tell something was up but he doesn't want to accept it because like "oh well it's probably nothing maybe Alex is just busy. And my guy just texted me one day to say "How do you feel about me? Hmm? Oh yeah? Cool I no longer like you, actually, yeah sorry, I know you think you're in love but. Yeah I've been talking to someone else for a couple weeks now so I think this is the end of our little thing. Bye" lmao. I didn't even realise I've planned the Jaylex 'break up' to parallel that 'break up' 💀 tho honestly Jaylex's 'break up' will probably be slightly nicer on them coa Alex is going to move uni's and they're not going to see each other. So no panic attacks on sight for those two, lucky fucks.