#also he described the book as a cat box which yeah i can use this to fuel my 999 au

[nenoname]

ok it's kinda funny seeing all the cutesy baby bill aus and meanwhile for a book of bill interview alex basically went "yeah if bill had siblings he would be an insufferable asshole to them and play pranks that are basically psychological torture due to his main character syndrome"

[llemonteaa]

Your daily dose of angst

No one deserves to be second best. That’s something you learnt the hard way.

Pairings: Oikawa x f!reader & Iwaizumi x f!reader 

WC: 1,769

Warnings: swearing, angst (with a little dose of fluff at the end :)  

You always wondered, even to this day, why Oikawa had chosen you in the first place. When asked what his ideal type was, Oikawa would laugh and say, “Someone who makes me look greater than I already am of course,” Cue Iwaizumi smacking him in the head.

“Mean Iwa-Chan! Fine, my ideal type would preferably be someone with fair hair, an adorable smile and a lovely ass to rest my head on. Oh, and she must also love milkbread.”

None of those boxes would be ticked for you unfortunately. Your hair was jet black and curtained part of your face, which only added to your supposedly mean aura. Your resting face was somewhat frightening and your smile could be described as Kageyama’s Cheshire Cat grin. Not to mention your ass was almost as non existent as Oikawa’s (oops), and you much preferred pork buns to milkbread. 

Yet despite that, Oikawa had asked you out one humid Friday afternoon, exactly 7 months ago today. But you realised, maybe a bit too late, that a lot can happen in 7 months.

Oikawa of course, was infamous for having fangirls practically glued to his hip wherever he went. And dating you didn’t change that in the slightest. In fact, his fangirls, especially one in particular, seemed to go up and above their way to spend time with your boyfriend, even when you were inevitably stood by his side. 

“As I was saying-” you began.

“Oikawa! I was just hoping to bump into you!” someone swatted you aside, your vision now platinum curls.

Reni. She practically threw herself onto Oikawa, bending over slightly so that he’s have a clear view of the lace panties underneath her unbelieveably short skirt. 

“Oh hey Reni. What’s up?” Your boyfriend turned to face who you called his number one, entirely devoted, fangirl.

“So, about our History project, would it be too much trouble to ask for some help? I’ve been racking my brains trying to figure it all out, even sacrificing much required beauty sleep, but I’m still yet to make any progress. And seeing how you are quite the History whizz...”

“Of course Reni, you’re the first person who’s complimented me on my brains. When would you like to meet up?” It was almost a joke how YOUR boyfriend seemed to be spending more time with a girl who had nothing but the audacity, than his s/o herself. And History whizz your ass, everyone including Iwaizumi, who had overheard that particular part of the conversation as he passed and scoffed, knew that it would be a miracle if the teacher graded him on History at all. 

“If you could, now would be a great time.” Reni fluttered her eyelashes which reminded you of rather hairy caterpillars. 

“Well I’m not doing anything as of now, apart from talking to y/n, but I’m sure she wouldn’t mind. Right y/n?” Both pairs of eyes seemed to acknowledge you for the first time. You, the girlfriend, but at the same time you the thirdwheel, apparently. 

“Well in fact I do mind but...” you hadn’t even managed to get out before Reni used her large boobs to push you out of the way.

“You see Oikawa, y/n doesn’t mind at all. So come on now, my books are in my dorm.” 

And with that, she grabbed your boyfriend’s arm and dragged him down the hall in the direction of the girl’s dorms, Oikawa throwing a sheepish glance over his shoulder.

“We’ll resume our conversation in a bit y/n~” 

Yeah right. You’d probably forget what you were even talking to him about by the time he came back from the spawn of Satan’s hellhole. 

In the weeks that followed, you found every minute of your time alone with Oikawa accompanied by Reni. No matter where or what you were doing with your boyfriend, she always seemed to find an excuse to but it. And Oikawa was nevertheless, just as oblivious to Reni’s attempts to jump in his pants as he was to your blatant annoyance.

“But y/n you have to understand. Reni hurt her ankle yesterday during her cheerleading practise and being the kind friend I am, I had to help her make her way around school.” Your boyfriend attempted to reason with you, after you had pulled him behind the school gym where he was moments from entering. This was partially because you had desperately needed to confront him about how much time he seemed to be unnecessarily spending with Reni and also in an attempt to prevent the devil herself from seeking you guys, Oikawa specifically, out.

“No, I don’t have to understand. Reni dropped the sprained ankle act the moment she thought my back was turned. God you can be so blind sometimes.” You rubbed your eyes tiredly.

“y/n, now you’re just being unreasonable. You know I only ever spend time with Reni when she’s in need of my help. I’m simply doing what any decent friend would do.”

“Except she needs your help all the goddamn time. You could ask anyone, anyone, and they’ll tell you how Reni’s been crushing on you since way before we got together.”

“Yes, I know that, but she’s stopped liking me since I asked you out. y/n what’s so hard for you to understand?”

“Everything Oikawa, everything is so hard to understand. And yet I think you’re the one who doesn’t understand the most. Reni doesn’t ever need your help, she just wants it. And she wants it to the point where she’s willing to make up any crappy excuse to get alone with you. I’m starting to think you guys are the ones dating and I’m just the ‘friend’.”

“y/n you know that’s not true...”

“Do I know that? Do I? Because if I did, then I wouldn’t constantly need to be fighting for your attention knowing it’s always going to be a losing battle. Your there for Reni more than you’re there for me, and we’re the ones in a relationship. I’m not stopping you from seeing Reni because that would just be wrong on my behalf, but at least put some effort in Oikawa.”

“Put some effort in? Oh you must be fucking kidding me. You should be grateful I even asked you out in the first place instead of telling me to put some effort in. The difference between you and Reni is that she’s not a jealous and clingy bitch who can’t even handle her own partner from seeing his friends without kicking up a fight. I could easily dump you anyday y/n and yet I haven’t, so how about you put some effort in and stop being so fucking controlling.”

It seemed as if everything came to a standstill the moment those venomous words left his mouth. It made your eyes water and your heart clench, every syllable of ‘jealous’, every syllable of  ‘controlling’, stabbed your heart to the point you wondered if you’d ever be able to piece it back together. 

Yet through the darkness a tiny flicker of light fought its way through. And that tiny flicker of light is what reminded you that not a single bit of this stupid argument was your fault. Blinking a few times, you forced yourself to bite back your tears that threatened to tumble, before clenching your fists to the point your knuckles turned white, and glowered up at your soon to be ex boyfriend. 

“I lowered my fucking standards for you Tooru. Lowered my fucking standards to be with someone who only sees me as second best. Who’d rather let some  bitch with a skirt shorter than your hindsight to drag you around like a doll with no brains. All this time I could’ve been with someone who wouldn’t let their ‘friend’ control every minute of their life and completely disregard the fact that they were taken. Well lucky for you Tooru, Reni’s all yours now. She’s won, that bitch with the cockroach eyelashes has won. So now you can get the fuck out of my way because we’re over.” 

And with that you shoved your way past your ex, stuffing your hands into the pockets of your blazer, your hair framing your face now slick with fresh tears. 

It was his loss after all. His loss that he wasn’t able to decipher friendliness from flirtiness. Or maybe he didn’t want to. Maybe Oikawa knew ignoring his relationship status to spend time with someone who was quite blatantly ready to jump into his pants at any given opportunity was wrong. Maybe Oikawa knew he’d have you forever, he’d have you to come back to when everyone else left him for the same reason his last girlfriend did. Except this time he was wrong. He didn’t have you forever. And it was all his fault. 

Deep down he knew you had every right to shove past him, he knew you had every right to be furious with him, yet admitting that would’ve been the last thing he’d do. So instead Oikawa just scoffed before heading in the opposite direction that you had disappeared in, and into the gym. Completely oblivious to the fact that his best friend had just heard the entire event go down. 

2 months later

You giggled as you let your boyfriend Iwaizumi drag you along the school halls. Similar to how you used to watch her do to him. Except in this point in time, you could honestly care less about_ them._ Now you had found yourself a perfect boyfriend who saw you as nothing but the best. He’d see through any girl’s lame attempts to buy themselves alone time with him and would certainly cherish every moment spent together. Hajime knew just how easy it was to let someone slip through your fingers when you took advantage of them just being there, after seeing the exact situation enravel in front of his best friend only a couple months ago. 

“Babe are you even listening to me?” 

God was her voice annoying. 

“Babe.”

Oikawa sighed before finally glancing down at the girl who spent every second possible hanging off him like the school tie he wore. 

“Hm Reni.” He zoned out the moment she began rambling on about God knows what. Probably something to do with how he seemed to have gained more fangirls or whatever. But he didn’t care. The only thing he cared about was you. You, who was currently skipping along with his best friend, happier than you’d ever been with him. You who was never like this. Never like Reni who was jealous, clingy and so fucking controlling. 

Oh.

a/n: We all know that both Oikawa and Iwaizumi would be the best boyfriends ever despite Oikawa being a piece of shit in this.😌 

[sun-flower-children]

Felix with MC that has wings

A/N: Yes @demon-paradise​ I totally can write that :) awww thank you so much :’))) I might have changed some details on accident so I’m sorry in advance but yeah not too much based on canon.

When you first entered the world you were how you were at the convention. Wearing your handmade, but still well crafted, Sunstone Order Knight uniform and in a very much basic human form. When you were surprised by the feeling of a sobbing crying form you still had a normal human silhouette. When you met Anisa and Sage in the fire-lit office you still looked the same. You continued to look the same while you lived in their “secret” headwaters and learned about the world around you as well as how to defend yourself. 

Felix mentioned how he could sense the magic flowing through you and that it also felt relatively knew. You told him all you could about the convention with the glowing from inside a glass box. You don't remember quite touching it but you felt leaving the place you were at to be in the place you are now. You were trying to just not randomly let out bits of magic and not turn anyone so Felix taught you breathing excessive and other techniques to help you with control and letting gout the amount that you intend.

After touching Rime’s magical book that Felix unearthed from the depths of the study’s couch you had felt a strange stirring and a wave of tingles, kind of similar to those one would get when listening to asmr but all over the body, then immediately feeling a sharp pain in your back. The initial shock left you in almost a coma state and you woke up on your bed. You were laying on your stomach and felt an unnatural amount of weight on your back pushing down into the mattress. Experimentally stretching your arms out and feeling grossed out by the slime like liquid that was covering the bed on both sides of you. You felt a little bubble of panic popping inside of your stomach and starting breathing in slowly to calm yourself down. You focused of the soft feathery feeling that’s tickling the back of your knees. ‘That doesn’t feel so bad’ you think to yourself.

Bringing your arms in at a 90 degree angle, preparing to push yourself up, and surprisingly feel that you couldn’t. There was too much weight for you to push yourself so easily. You open your eyes a look toward the window and see that the sun had just started pushing against the horizon. Your eyes wander towards the floor-length mirror on the opposite side of the room and see that your shape on the bed wasn’t what you expected it to be. you could make out the bump for your head but then there was a giant and lengthy curve before seeing the subtle shapes of your feet.

Now abandoning the calm breathing technique you start to panic. Without thinking you flung yourself off the bed and onto the floor. The weight crushing you and pushing you to the floor. You slide yourself, shaking and struggling, reaching for the nearest chair to push yourself upwards. Arms shaking from being bed ridden for a while and creaking under all the pressure. ‘How long was I on the bed’ you think once again to yourself. Finally bringing yourself high enough to bringing your knee off the floor and immediately crumbled again, your head hitting the edge of the chair. Your groan was loud and cut through the silence that you didn’t quite realized was so deafening until now.

Enough time had passed where you were struggling to get on your knees that now the sunlight was peaking over the bottom of the window sill. Your knees gradually warmed up and were ready to bring you into the vertical position you have been working towards. when looking at your feet you was long feathers sweeping the floor and tickling your toes once in a while. Breathing hard, sweating and shaking with pain and also from being used so quickly after not moving for so long. Your back ached and you could truly stand already trying to stay in decent posture only to fall backwards and feeling the flames of pain searing up your back. Tears flowing of the sides of your face and you angrily cried in frustration. You could stand as long as you hunched over so that the weight on your back wasn’t dragging you down as much.

Looking into the mirror you saw the wings that were now behind you. The weight that you could feel pulling tender skin down and stretching it in every which a way as you moved. You were too tired to feel the shock you would have otherwise, delirious with the pain. Giving up on standing you flung yourself to the wall space by the mirror and leaned against the nearby bookshelf. The sounds of footsteps could be heard. But lighter smaller ones, not those of soldiers or even a large cat man. Too weak to properly defend yourself from whatever it maybe your curled up into a ball, arms over your head. Your new wings instinctively moving to circled around you like a shield.

The door opened and someone walked in. “(Y/N)?” a soft voice called out.

‘Felix’ you thought, recognizing the voice but not moving. Instead you made a noise that was meant to be “here” but instead came out as more of a painful groan.

He moved towards you and could hear him in the space in-front of you.

“Barista, are you...” he pauses,”...let’s get you back into the bed.” still in the same tone of voice he used before. You made a weak noise in defiance, not wanting to go through the hassle of moving again. After the faint noise of Felix muttering something under his breath that wasn’t in the speaking language, you felt some of the weight lifted and almost thought that the wings had come off. you look up seeing a rather disheveled Felix; his glasses skewed and off center. He held both your arms and led you slowly back to the bed. You were wearing someone bed gown but the back was either cut or ripped open because you could feel the cold breeze much more easily on your back.

In the new mornings light you noticed that you wings were the same color as you hair but a but darker and much more silky and shiny looking. “Like one of those L’oreeel commercials.” stumbles out off your mouth. Felix stops and looks at you, probably confused but you aren’t looking at him, before bringing you to sit down on the bed. You leaned down slowly to lay back down again, this time on your side. The wings moving out to make a more comfortable position. Felix sat down and began to explain.

Most of the information was lost on you as you kept fading in and out of focus. But you understood that the magic book reacted to you being not of this world and having magic in a way that wasn’t at all anticipated.The wings somehow had to do with some history thingy that may or may not have happened before and maybe something else happened but you didn’t catch it. Some more things happened. Something else about Sage panicking in the corner when it happened and Anisa freaking out and yelling at Felix and something else. Guards maybe have came. Did he just say that they made you pretend you were a doll in the Earth stuff room when the guards came in looking for a leaf gremlin? That’s not right.

“And that about sums up what happened during the week you were, uh, developing a new, uh...” Felix looks at your new wings and the open flesh on your back,” wings.” He sighs a deep sigh. “(Y/N) are you hungry?” That would make sense since you haven't been able to eat in a while but you didn’t feel hungry. You wanted to move and change clothes. Maybe take a shower because the slime has gotten into weird places.

The next few weeks was basically you trying to relearn how to move. You learned that you have to lift your wings with your back muscles to make it easier to walk around normally. The giant baths now became very useful with all the extra space being very accommodating of your wings. The best you had ever felt during this entire period was when the four of you went outside, not long after you showered, and you opened your wings to the fullest. Really stretching them and fluffing them out. Hearing the awes of the people around you admiring your wings.

Later that day Felix and you had a little dinner date, if you will, on one of the higher balconies. He explained that your back had started to grow two lumps and slower grew. The way he described all the slime coating your wings reminded you of that one scene from the Matrix. You accidentally said that thought out loud which then resulted in you explained what the 2009 world was like, explaining technology, then getting into the movie itself. The entire time you were explaining to him about Earth he was looking at you, nodding and asking more specific questions every once in a while.

Once the group had gotten more used to your wings and making sure that they were healthy, everything began to lighten up. Sage would make cat vs bird jokes, Anisa would try to come up with ways to make life more comfortable, which then ended with you moving to another room with a bigger door ( it was closer to Felix’s so you didn’t complain).

The first time you tried to fly, he was so worried and had his spells ready to catch you ( which did help the first few times). Eventually you got it; not being able to go for long amounts of time but could glide. Everyday working out with Sage to get those wing muscles going so that you could launch yourself vertically from the ground.

Felix thinks its so cute when your wings also react with you, though he will never tell you. The way the puffed up, to make you look bigger, when he was around his father. Or when he would kiss you your wings would relax and touch the floor. When you are really excited they would do a ton of tiny flaps. Felix would love to clean your wings for you. They are massive and it does take a lot of time but this is something that he wants to do for you because he feels like it’s partially his fault.

Felix loved you wings. Hey thought they were so beautiful and made you a literal angel in his eyes. The way they shined in the sun was almost like how you would brighten his day with your laugh. If the two of you were sitting close he would either pet your wing(s) or even closer so you wings circle the two of you. The little privacy bubble was always welcome but also made him feel like it was more intimate. At some point you would hug him and the wings would then engulf the two of you; makes him feel so safe, wanted and loved. You quickly caught on to this and made sure to do it more often. Felix will sometime get overwhelmed in public and you would use your wings as dividers and creating a safer space away from whatever stimulated him. On warmer days you would create a cool breeze by gently flapping your wings. When people try to catch you for your wings he goes full ape shit on them because how dare they try to touch and harm his dear barista, his dear angel (Y/N)

“Your wings are beautiful (Y/N) “ he would say randomly one day.

“ Aww thank you Felix. I’m so happy you like them” you said while smiling at him.

Felix looked away, trying to hide his blush, and brought his book up closer to his face. He was tempted to look at you when he heard you softly giggle but restrained himself from doing so. The rest of the afternoon would be spent stealing secret looks from each other and smiling yourselves when one sees the other doing something cute.

A/N: I might make another lil’ story, a kind of part 2, depends how well this one does :)

MASTERLIST  < for more :D

[bagadew]

The Great Ace Attorney Playthrough: The Case of the Unbreakable Speckled Band (Part 2b)

Last Time: It turned out that my man Hosonaga hadn’t been kidding when he said he’d lay his life on the line for us, and was beaten up by the killer captain for letting us have a look around first class. As if that wasn’t enough, he then stood before us looking like the Knights of Ni, and gave us Kazuma’s autopsy report, revealing that Kazuma died of a broken neck. Now I (Ryunosuke) get ready to inveterate, and I (Eleanor) get ready to take the captain out!

OVER MY DEAD BODY YOU WILL!

So it shall be.

Susato’s pointing out that it might be a while before we’re all back in Japan, to which I say: It will happen, I can wait

Now on with the actual investigation.

Out in the corridor Biff Strogenov the 1 ton sailor has finally left his post, meaning that we’re free to look for cute animals investigate my beloved Kazuma’s death in cabin number 2!

Wait, that voice? Could it be? Has he returned to us?

Yeah boy!

Oh... he’s not in our immediate vicinity and we actually do have to go in cabin number 2, so I guess we’ll see him again later!

THE CASE OPEN!!! THE PET!!! GONE!!!

Ok game, I get it! I have to remember why we’re really here and not get immediately sidetracked by the faintest wiff of an animal.

Wait...... does she finally believe in us?

:D

WHOO LETS GO TEAM!!!

Right we’ve got a saucer on the floor, meaning that whatever Nikolina keeps as a pet eats off of it. This seems to make my snake theory less likely, but it does back up the idea that the ‘speckled band’ Kazuma saw could have been the tail of something like a tabby cat.

The books in the bookshelf have toppled over, just like they had in Kazuma’s cabin. I wonder if the ship made an emergency stop to let Nikolina onboard and that’s why they were all thrown to the left?

Again Susato, I’m pretty sure Strogenov realised Nikolina had a pet with her the second he helped her on the ship and saw her suitcase wiggling.

Everybody comes for Ryunosuke...

Hang about... the bolt pulls to the left, the same direction the books fell in!

If someone new Nikolina was coming on board (*cough*The Captain*cough*) they could have killed Kazuma and left the door unbolted, safe in the knowledge that when the ship stopped the bolt would slide into place!

(This is how I felt when Kazuma bought up Curare in the last trial.)

Ok, due to my being a bad influence on Susato, she gave the cabin bell pull a good tug, but fortunately it seems that none of them work (which is very odd).

Finaly both the teapot and bin are empty, which could mean anything or nothing at all, you never can tell with Ace Attorney.

Other than that, I think that’s it for the cabin. I was expecting to be interrupted or something, but I’m pretty sure I’ve looked at everything. Now let’s go into the corridor and see if there are any Himbo Detectives knocking about out there!

Hell yeah!

I agree Ryunosuke, the man’s a glorious Jack in the Box!

:D

Go an tap his back Ryousuke, I want to see if he jumps!

Come on everybody, clap along!

TAP HIM RYUNOSUKE!!!

HE FELL OVER!!!

(Editor’s Note: AND I MISSED  SCREENSHOTTING IT!)

So tell me Susato, hows that image of the Great Detective holding up?

Because mine’s doing great!

Looks like Herlock’s been looking at the Ships log, and he’s picked up on the fact that it’s practically blank from 2am onwards, which interestingly is just after the time Kazuma’s diary says he was killed. I’d also imagine this is when Nikolina arrived onboard.

Also Ryunosuk actually payed Herlock a complement!

Something’s happening? What’s happening???

HE WAS DRUGGED TO!!!

(Though I don’t know why I’m surprised. I already guessed the rest of the ship was drugged so they wouldn’t see Nikolina while she was being smuggled onboard)

Has Susato realised too?

And off he goes! Singing all the way!

What a wonderous man you are Herlock

I think she’s worked it out!

As expected of the daughter of the Professor of Pathology!

You know I don’t know if I’ve ever really taken the time to appreciate the level of detail Ace Attorney has sometimes. Like this is exactly how I’d describe the sort of headache you get after being knocked out by drugs.

Susato’s left it for now, and I can’t work out if she’s already worked it out, or if she’s still puzzling it out. Either way, I think she’s got this.

(Ok, I’ve clearly missed something here...)

Or no, I haven’t!

The alarm’s going off!!!

ANOTHER SHIP!?!

DAMN NIKOLINA THE BALET COMPANY ARE SERIOUS HUH!??!

(Clinging to each other Susato and I (Ryunosuke) managed to not die when the ship crashed to a halt.)

Now’s the time to see if the bolts slide closed though!

YES YES!!! LOOK IT’S SHUT!!!

LOCKED ROOM MYSTERY SOLVED BABY!!!

HERLOCK SHOLMES EAT YOUR HEART OUT!!! THERE’S A NEW GREATEST DETECTIVE IN TOWN!!!

(I’m talking about me, not Batman)

Shit! We’ve been rumbled!

HOSONAGA!!!

Hosonaga cares for us so much

I care for you to Hosonaga!

(Honestly I’m surprised the sound of me lowering a crown onto my own head didn’t somehow reach the game world.)

Yeah Naruhodo-san, let Hosonaga in so I can show him my unbearably smug face!

That’s not a very nice way to talk about Hosonaga Ryousuke!

(Sorry I couldn’t resist that joke)

So we have indeed been rumbled lads, and with at least one more part of this case to go it’s not going to be plain sailing

(I’ll see myself out...)

[limjaeseven]

The Boyfriend Dilemma

Pairing: Jaebeom X Jinyoung

Genre: Fluff

Word Count: 2,896

Warning(s): JJP being cute as hell, fake dating!au

Summary: Jinyoung had lied to his mum about having a boyfriend. What does he do when she asks him to bring said boyfriend over for Christmas dinner?

[a/n]: I know I’m a bit late but here it is, this fic was lots of fun to write so I hope you enjoy it! Written for @ksmutclub​‘s ‘Under the Mistletoe’ project.

Christmas Eve was usually a calm night in for Jinyoung, spent curled on the couch with a cup of hot chocolate and a good book. That was until his mother called him, asking him to come for dinner on Christmas with his boyfriend. He was eternally grateful that his mother couldn’t see the way he cringed on the other side of the line as she mentioned his love life. You see, there was a small issue, Jinyoung didn’t really have a boyfriend.

Jinyoung’s mother had always wanted Jinyoung to find a good man and settle down, having come to terms with her son’s attraction towards men a long time ago, she just hated the idea of her son being lonely, without someone to look after him. The thought wasn’t unfounded, Jinyoung was known to work late nights, get little to no sleep and go for days without bothering to eat properly. His mother only knew of one out of the four incidents on Jinyoung ending up in the hospital due to exhaustion after he had left home for college.

She kept asking him if he had found anyone, setting him up for dates with her friends’ sons when he graduated college without having been in a relationship even once. It wasn’t even like Jinyoung wasn’t interested in being in a relationship or guys weren’t into him, he just hadn’t found the one for him and regardless of whether he sounded childish or not, he hoped to find true love, or at least a man who he would want to spend the rest of his life with.

After four years of constant nagging and pretty bad dates, Jinyoung finally decided he was done with all the nagging and lied to his mum about being in a relationship. He was smart enough to not reveal too many details about his imaginary boyfriend, because he knew eventually his mum would ask him to bring the boy home and he would have to strategically plan a fake breakup before that but he didn’t expect her to call him over for Christmas, since his parents were usually working through the holiday.

“But Jinyoung, your dad and I took a day off just so we could meet your new boyfriend, we thought Christmas would be the one opportunity where you both would be off from work and could drive over” And despite how hard he tried, his mum didn’t let up. He couldn’t fake a breakup, he had just told her that his relationship was going strong a week prior, which meant he would either have to come clean to his mom or try something else.

Jinyoung would have scoffed at the idea of hiring a date, he actually had once when he saw an ad for what was basically an escort service disguised as a date-for-hire app on TV. Little did he know that not months after that ordeal he would be sitting on his bed on Christmas Eve, looking through a catalogue of good looking men, trying to pick one to be his fake boyfriend to appease his mum.

The options weren’t bad, there were a few men there he felt genuinely attracted to, but they were all either too nerdy or too bad boy looking for what he had described to his mum. Unfortunately, Jinyoung had gotten a bit too carried off by his description of his fake boyfriend and had described more of his dream man, one Jinyoung knew he would never find, to his mum.

That was till his eyes landed on the name ‘Lim Jaebeom’ accompanied by the photo of a man pulled right out of his wet dreams. He had long, black hair that brushed his shoulders, dressed in a designer suit with a face to match. His eyes were alluring, the two moles above his left eye too perfect to be real. Jinyoung pinched his arm, wincing at both the pain and the realisation that he was not, in fact, dreaming.

Clicking through to his profile, Jinyoung read through the man’s likes and hobbies listed and wondered if he was high, because it felt like the man he had described to his mum had been brought to life. The rates were low enough for Jinyoung to be able to afford the man for a night, and even though he couldn’t believe that he was hiring a ‘date’, one look at Jaebeom’s photo made him forget all those thoughts, and all that filled him was the anticipation.

Once he made his payment, he was given the option to chat with Jaebeom in order to discuss the date. Clicking the link he was provided, he stared at the text box for ten minutes before sending a ‘hey’, his hands shaking as he saw the word ‘typing’ linger at the bottom of the screen.

Jaebeom: Hey Jinyoung, how can I help you?

Jinyoung: So, this is kinda embarrassing but I lied to my mum about having a boyfriend and now she’s asked me to bring him home for Christmas dinner so I panicked and hired you to be my fake boyfriend for a night :/

Jaebeom: Don’t worry Jinyoung, this isn’t the first time I’ve had to be someone’s fake boyfriend, we should quickly go over what you’ve already told your mum about your ‘boyfriend’ first and work from there

Jinyoung: This is super weird but like somehow everything I told her about ‘him’ was listed in your likes and hobbies, like a love for music and cats. All I told her is I met ‘him’, or in this case you, at a café where you worked, you wrote your number on my cup and I texted you and we started dating

Jaebeom: Okay, at least I don’t have to pretend like I know anything about stock markets or something

Jinyoung: You’ve had to do that before?

Jaebeom: Oh yeah, some girls I’ve accompanied lied about dating a rich CEO and I had to borrow my friend’s Gucci suit for it, that was interesting

Jinyoung: Sounds like it

Jaebeom: Is there anything else I should know?

Jinyoung: Beware of my mum, she will ask a lot of questions, just go with the flow. Also wear an ugly sweater, my mum is big on Christmas traditions

Jaebeom: I don’t think I have any ugly sweaters, I’ll have to get one. How about I get us a matching pair? She might like that

Jinyoung: You are a genius Jaebeom, I’ll pay you for the sweater, just come here by 6pm so that I have enough time to get ready and we can drive over to my parents’ in time

Jaebeom: Will do, also don’t worry about paying, that’s on me

Jinyoung: But

Jaebeom: No buts, it’s getting late, you should sleep some, we can discuss any other details tomorrow

Jinyoung: Okay fine, good night Jaebeom

Jaebeom: Good night Jinyoung

It was past noon when Jinyoung woke up the next day, his brain deciding to oversleep on the one day he would have liked to wake up early and get ready properly. Jinyoung managed to get out of bed in time for lunch, taking a long bath in preparation for dinner, mentally preparing himself for what was about to come.

Jaebeom had texted him in the morning, asking for his address, which Jinyoung sent him, accompanied by an apology for his delayed response. They texted back and forth for a bit, engaging in normal small talk before Jaebeom signed off to head to the mall to buy the aforementioned sweaters.

At precisely six o’clock, Jinyoung’s doorbell rang, revealing a man about a thousand times more gorgeous than the photo Jinyoung had seen on the app, standing at his doorstep. He swallowed visibly, his throat suddenly parched, as Jaebeom stood there, dressed in a pair of black trousers, a white t-shirt and a long, brown coat, holding a bag in his hand.

“Come in” Jinyoung said, barely managing not to stutter, as he welcomed Jaebeom inside his apartment. Somewhere in the back of his mind was a voice calling him dumb to allow a stranger inside his house but something about Jaebeom just pulled Jinyoung in and clouded his judgement. Jaebeom slipped off his oxfords, extending the cover in his hand to Jinyoung as he settled down on the couch. Confused for a moment, Jinyoung quickly realised that the bag probably contained the sweaters Jaebeom had been tasked to buy.

“I said UGLY Christmas sweaters, not cat sweaters, we can NOT wear these.” Jinyoung exclaimed in horror as he examined the pastel blue and pink coloured sweaters the man had bought, adorned with large cats and the words ‘Meowy Christmas’ in calligraphy font on the front. Jaebeom smiled sheepishly as he got up from his seat and made his way to Jinyoung, grabbing the blue sweater from his left hand.

“They didn’t have any ugly sweaters at the mall that I actually liked, and these were too cute to say no to” Jaebeom made his best puppy eyes at Jinyoung, causing the younger to groan.

“I can’t believe this, my sisters will not let me live this down” Jaebeom just pouted, taking off his coat to pull the sweater over his head. Jinyoung would be lying if he said he didn’t ogle at Jaebeom’s biceps flexing as he changed his clothing. When caught staring by Jaebeom, he promptly turned around, clutching the garment in his hand to his chest and running inside to put it on, but mostly to calm his beating heart down.

Jaebeom was unnecessarily attractive, and that was not good for Jinyoung’s heart because he didn’t want to develop a crush on a dude he paid to spend the night with, even though Jinyoung knew it was too late, he had already formed a soft spot for the man’s warm smile and adorable pout. Pulling on the pink sweater, Jinyoung checked himself out in his bedroom mirror, admitting to himself that it actually looked rather cute on him.

“Shall we get going?” Jinyoung asked as he stepped back out into the living room, to which Jaebeom nodded, grabbing his car keys and walking Jinyoung out of his apartment. The two settled into Jaebeom’s car, Jinyoung feeding his parents’ address into the GPS system in Jaebeom’s car to guide them to their destination.

“So, any nicknames or that sort of thing you want to talk about, you know, to convince your parents that we actually know each other and didn’t meet each other for the first time like half an hour ago?” Jaebeom turned to Jinyoung just to guage his reaction before turning back to the road.

“Well the website said you were born in jan 1994, meaning you’re older than me, so how about hyung?” Jaebeom nodded, thinking for a moment before replying.

“Hyung is fine with me, what about you? Are you comfortable with Jinyoung-ah or would you want something more cutesy like Jinyoungie or Nyoungie?”

“Honestly I’m fine with anything, like I said, go with the flow. I haven’t told my mum enough for most anything for you to say to sound too suspicious. Just be yourself, your profile said you like music, talk about that, maybe” They talked a bit about themselves for the rest of the drive, sharing crucial information required to make it look like they know each other well.

Jinyoung sighed as he stood in front of his parents’ house, the reality of the situation finally hitting him. Sensing Jinyoung’s discomfort, Jaebeom offered the boy a warm smile, waiting for him to ring the bell to alert Jinyoung’s parents of their arrival. After five minutes of Jinyoung trying to calm himself down, he finally mustered enough courage to reach over to press the doorbell.

“Oh Jinyoungie, you’re finally here! Come in, come in” Jinyoung’s mother greeted them, welcoming them inside their house. Jaebeom looked around for a moment, admiring the classy furniture of the house covered in brightly coloured tinsel and other Christmassy accoutrement.

“Mom this is Jaebeom, my boyfriend” Jinyoung signalled to his mother, who smiled at Jaebeom, wrapping him in a warm hug. She dragged them to the living room, sitting them down on the couch before calling Jinyoung’s father and sisters from the kitchen to join them.

“Nice sweater, Nyoung” Jinyoung’s elder sister snickered, causing Jinyoung to hit her arm lightly before turning to his mom.

“It’s so nice to finally meet you, Jaebeom. I was worried our Jinyoungie would never find himself a man, but now that you’re here I feel relieved that he finally has someone in his life”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you too, Mrs Park. Jinyoung talks a lot about you”

“Oh please, no need for the formalities, call me mom. I’m sure he talks about how I nag him all the time, doesn’t he” Jaebeom chuckled as the loud groan from Jinyoung’s end.

“Absolutely not, he talks about how much he loves you, he knows you worry about him” Jinyoung’s mom smiled at that, reaching ruffle her hand through her son’s hair.

“So how long have you two been dating?” Jinyoung’s oldest sister asked.

“Three months”

“Four months”

Jinyoung and Jaebeom said at the same time, causing a look of confusion to cross over Jinyoung’s family’s face. Before Jinyoung could come up with a lame excuse, Jaebeom placed his warm hand reassuringly on Jinyoung’s thigh and addressed his parents.

“We went out together for the first time four months ago, which I thought was a date but Jinyoung thought was us just ‘getting to know each other’. According to him we only started dating three months ago, it’s something we fight about all the time”

“That sounds like my son, oblivious and stubborn” Jinyoung’s father commented.

The rest of the night went by pretty smoothly, a few slips here and there covered up quickly by Jaebeom. They sat next to each other at the dinner table, Jaebeom’s hand resting on Jinyoung’s thigh throughout, as a way to reassure the younger that Jaebeom was here for him.

“It’s time for the mistletoe photos, this is the first time I’ll get one of Jinyoung kissing his boyfriend!” Jinyoung stiffened, as he turned to Jaebeom, realising that he would have to kiss the elder. Squeezing the elder to signal his apology, Jinyoung guided the elder to where the mistletoe had been hung in the living room, Jinyoung’s father bringing out the old polaroid camera to click a picture. Jinyoung stood there for a moment, too nervous to actually kiss the elder, till Jaebeom gave in, placing his hands on either side of Jinyoung’s face and placing a chaste kiss on the younger’s lips.

It was like a lightning bolt had hit Jinyoung, a shiver ran down his spine at the touch of just their lips, causing him to chase Jaebeom’s lips as they split from his own. Jinyoung’s father handed them one of the two photos he clicked, the other going straight to Jinyoung’s mother’s collection.

By the end of the night, they were all happy and exhausted. Jinyoung didn’t want to leave but he reluctantly let go of his mom because he had to go to work the next morning and Jaebeom probably had work too. Just as they were about to leave, Jinyoung’s mother pulled him aside to talk to him privately.

“You know, Jaebeom is a pretty nice boy, I like him a lot”

“I’m glad you like him mom, I like him too”

“If you do you should actually ask him out”

“What!?”

“You think I wouldn’t know when my son was lying to me? He looks at you like I look like your dad Nyoung, I’m pretty sure you both barely know each other but I think you should give him a shot if he’s interested, you two seem perfect for each other” Jinyoung merely groaned and hid his face in his palms as he lamented at his unsuccessful attempt to fool his mum. He did agree with her though, he would like to actually go out with Jaebeom, hopefully with Jinyoung paying for his meal instead of his time. Promising to call her soon, Jinyoung grabbed a hold of Jaebeom’s hand, guiding him to the car.

The drive back home was quite, comfortably so. Jinyoung looked out the window, thinking back on the few hours he had spent with Jaebeom and the many more he wants to spend with him. When they arrived back at Jinyoung’s place, the younger looked over at Jaebeom, before closing his eyes and leaning in. Half expecting to be rejected, Jinyoung jumped when Jaebeom’s lips met his halfway, and they shared a sweet kiss.

“Will I see you again?” Jaebeom asked, and Jinyoung reached over for Jaebeom’s arm, one of his hands digging through his pocket for the pen he always carried around. After scribbling on his number onto his arm along with a few hearts, Jinyoung stepped out of the car, turning around to bid his farewell.

“I do charge for dates though” Jaebeom added, making Jinyoung’s face fall suddenly.

“Ten kisses for every hour” Jinyoung smiled at Jaebeom’s bad joke, his face lighting up once more as he waved at Jaebeom, the elder sending him a flying kiss before driving off. Jinyoung went to sleep with a smile on his face. His lie had after everything, turned into a hopeful tomorrow for Jinyoung.

[buzzdixonwriter]

Compare & Contrast: ONCE UPON A TIME IN HOLLYWOOD Movie vs Novel

Once Upon A Time In Hollywood is my favorite Quentin Tarantino film, a love letter to late 1960s Los Angeles / Hollywood, an alternate history where the wicked (or at least three of them) are punished and the virtuous are spared and rewarded.

Tarantino has since expanded his basic story into a new novel, Once Upon A Time In Hollywood and it’s interesting to compare & contrast the two approaches to the material.

Movie tie-in novelizations are not unusual, of course, but it’s the rare example when the original creator (writer or director) takes a whack at it.  Ian Fleming famously turned an unsold screenplay, James Bond Of The Secret Service, (written with Kevin McClory, Jack Whittingham, Ivar Bryce, and Ernest Cuneo) into the novel Thunderball and a busted TV pilot, Commander Jamaica, into Dr. No, while Ed McBain (a.k.a. Evan Hunter ne Salvatore Albert Lombino) adapted a couple of original 87th Precinct movie scripts into novels.  

Here Tarantino takes his stab at it, and the results are…well, let’s cut to the chase…

Which is better, movie or book?

Good movie, okay novel.

For those who want a more detailed analysis…

[SPOILERS GALORE]

Story Structure

Once Upon A Time In Hollywood the novel is just barely a standalone story; it’s really enhanced by seeing the movie first.

The story flow is roughly the same, and it’s clear a lot of the material in the book are from early drafts of the screenplay (with a few callbacks to earlier Tarantino films).  There’s also a lot of material missing that was in the movie (the immediate aftermath of Cliff visiting George Spahn, f’r instance).

However, the main plot and many major scenes from the movie are described as almost asides, hints at things seen on screen that aren’t elaborated on in the movie.

In one sense, this works to the novel’s advantage; there’s little point in reiterating already familiar scenes.  On the other hand, scenes in the book that expand on scenes from the movie can benefit only by seeing the movie first.

While Once Upon A Time In Hollywood the movie features a pretty clear if typically erratic Tarantino timeline, the book’s timeline is less easy to track (but more on that later).

This isn’t a deal breaker in terms of enjoyment, but it occasionally does get in the way of the story telling.

Characters

What I liked most about Once Upon A Time In Hollywood the movie was that the Rick Dalton character is presented as a self-involved / over anxious / ot-nay oo-tay ight-bray actor who, despite his very apparent shortcomings, also demonstrates a truly professional dedication to his craft and an ability to listen and learn and grow.

Taking part in the big fight at the end cements his hero status in the framework of the movie.

He’s not nearly as likeable or as admirable in the book.

A big hunk of this is leaving out those crucial action beats mentioned above.  Another hunk is letting us peek too deeply into Rick’s head, and learning what happens to him after the climax of the film.

Instead of moving into the quality artsy A-list movie world as the film version intimates at the end, Rick becomes a John Wayne-like figure with similar intolerant attitudes, popular with middle American audiences.

He does come across as clear headed when it comes to his career and his place in the Hollywood pecking order, as demonstrated in his own analysis of why he would never have gotten Steve McQueen’s role in The Great Escape.

Sharon Tate is still the delightfully airy character shown in the movie, though Tarantino gives her a broader emotional palette to play with.  She comes across as more fully rounded than the movie version but is still the wonderful, life-loving character of the film.

Cliff Booth, on the other hand, suffers badly.

First off, Cliff’s character in the film is already extremely problematic.  The movie deliberately makes the circumstances around his wife’s death vague enough to be read in a variety of ways:  He could have deliberately murdered her and got away with it, it could have been justifiable homicide in self-defense, it could have been an accident, it could have been something else.

We never know and that works to give Cliff a Schrodinger’s cat-like characterization:  We can’t know until we open the box and look in.

Well, Tarantino flings open the box and boy, what’s inside is stupid.

I can absolutely believe Cliff killed his wife in a momentary fit of rage, I do not believe the speargun cut her in half and he held the two halves together so they could have a long lovey-dovey talk until the Coast Guard shows up and she literally falls apart.

If Tarantino’s intent was to hint Cliff had a psychotic fugue after he killed his wife and thought he was holding her together and talking to her, he didn’t make that clear.

Considering how often Tarantino employs the omniscient third person point of view in this story, I don’t think it’s a failure style but of plotting.

That would be bad enough, but there’s a lot of other problems with Cliff in the book.

He flat out murders four people by the time of the novel:  Two petty gangsters back east, his wife, and the guy who offered him a share of Brandy’s prize money from dog fights.

Yeah, Cliff is plugged into the dog fighting world and really enjoys it.  He shows enough affection and appreciation for Brandy the pit bull to recognize when her career is over, and he’s ruthless enough to kill Brandy’s co-owner when the guy insists on sending her to her almost certain death in one last dog fight.

[Sidebar: Elsewhere Tarantino has told aspiring writers to leave morality out of their character’s motives and despite this sounding counterintuitive, it’s actually solid advice.  Morality forces good guys to act like good guys, it never gives the characters room to think and breathe and act as real people.  Tarantino isn’t saying characters can’t make moral choices, but those moral choices must come from who they are, not from some arbitrary code or editorial fiat.  To this degree the novel Once Upon A Time In Hollywood depicts Cliff in a wholly believable light, a natural born survivor who will do whatever’s necessary to stay alive.]

Book Cliff is depicted as a far more unpleasant person than Rick, lightyears more unpleasant than movie Cliff.  Part of this is a deliberate choice on Tarantino’s part as his omniscient third person point of view frequently mediates on the meaning of likeability vs believability in movie terms; he certainly strives to makes Rick and Cliff as unlikeable as possible (Sharon, too, but she’s basically too sweet a character for any negativity to rub off on her).

Cliff also demonstrates a considerable amount of bigotry and prejudice, in particular his opinions on Bruce Lee.  The substance of those opinions re Lee’s martial arts abilities is not the problem, it’s the way in which they are expressed.

Does this sound believable coming from a near 50 year old WWII vet?  Yeah, it does.  That doesn’t mean the book benefits from it.

Which leads to the single biggest problem with Cliff, however, is his age and background.

Tarantino envisions him as a WWII vet, a survivor of the Sicily campaign reassigned to the Philippines (as with Inglorious Basterds, Tarantino really doesn’t care about what actually happened in WWII), taken prisoner by the Japanese, escaping to the jungles to lead a guerilla force against the Imperial Army, recipient of two “Medals of Valor” (who knows what Tarantino means by this as no such award exists in the US military.  Medal of Honor?  Distinguished Service Cross?  Silver Star?  Bronze Star?), and record holder for the most confirmed Japanese killed by a single individual who wasn’t a crew member of the Enola Gay.

Okay, so that makes him what, mid-20s at the youngest in 1945?  

He’d be 49 at the time of Once Upon A Time In Hollywood, not an unheard of age for Hollywood stunt men but certainly pushing the edge of the envelope.

Playing Rick’s double?  That sounds quite a bit more farfetched.  Rick’s exact age is never mentioned but from the way others treat him, he’s somewhere between Cliff’s age and that of James Stacy, the real life actor who starred in the Lancer pilot Rick is filming in 1968 when Stacy would be 32 years old.

That would make Rick roughly 40 at the time, and there’s an aside in the book that reveals one of Rick’s early roles was in 1959’s  Away All Boats, the latter with Tom Laughlin (who in real life later directed and starred in Billy Jack), and since Rick and Laughlin are presented as contemporaries and Laughlin was born in 1931, this would make Rick 28 when Bounty Law started airing that same year and he and Cliff, then age 40, first started working together.

Cliff saves Rick’s life from a stunt gone wrong early in the filming of Bounty Law, so one understands how their bond formed and why Rick continues to keep Cliff around even after Cliff kills his wife.

Missing from the novel is the voice of Randy Miller, the stunt director (played by Kurt Russell in the film) who narrates much of the movie.  I can’t recall if Randy is even mentioned by name in the book, but he certainly isn’t featured prominently in it.  Sometimes the narrative voice of the novel seems to be his, sometimes it seems to be Tarantino’s (and we’ll discuss that below, too).

Not all the characters in the movie make it to the pages of the book, and likewise quite a few characters appear who never showed up in the film version of Once Upon A Time In Hollywood or any other Tarantino film.

Sharon Tate first appears in the book hitchhiking and accepting a ride from rodeo cowboy Ace Woody, originally slated to be one of the assorted baddies in Django Unchained but later melded into another character.

On the other hand, many minor and obscure real life Hollywood players and personalities and hangers on do appear in the novel.  Tarantino is careful to put dialog in the mouths of only certifiably dead personalities, however, and as we’ll go into down below, that’s a wise move.

(BTW, Tarantino works himself into his own story a couple of times, mentioning himself as the director of a remake of John Sayles’ The Lady In Red featuring a grown up Trudi Fraser a.k.a. Mirabella Lancer in the Lancer pilot Rick is starring in, and as the son of piano player Curt Zastoupil, Tarantino’s real life step-father, who asks Rick for an autographed photo for his son Quentin.)

The Hollywood Stuff

Which leads us to the real hook of the book, a glimpse behind the scenes of Hollywood circa 1969.

If, like me, you’re fascinated by this sort of stuff, Once Upon A Time In Hollywood is a fun read.

Tarantino is a devourer of pop culture and dedicates his book in part to Bruce Dern, David Carradine, Burt Reynolds, Robert Blake, Michael parks, Robert Forester, and Kurt Russell, thanking them for the stories they told him about “old time” Hollywood (i.e., the 1950s and 60s from Tarantino’s reckoning).

A lot of the book rings true in attitudes and opinions expressed back in that era, and some of the stories included are jaw-dropping (the Aldo Ray one especially).

The examinations of various maneuverings and strategies in the entertainment industry are also illuminating.

However, this raises a fair question about what the intent of any given work is, and how well documented a work of fiction needs to be.

There’s a trio of actors (all dead so none can sue Tarantino for libel) labeled in derogatory terms as homosexuals in two or three places in the book.

There’s some observations on race that sound absolutely authentic coming from the mouths of those particular characters at that particular time, but one questions the need for using those exact terms today; it’s not that difficult to show the character speaking is bigoted without letting them sling all the slurs they want.

Speaking of terms, I’ve never heard “ringer” used before in the film industry in the context of this book, so if it’s fake, Tarantino did an absolutely convincing job presenting it as real.

But here’s where we start heading into some problematic areas, not problematic in undermining the enjoyment of the book, but problematic in the sense of understanding what Tarantino is trying to convey.

Cliff’s story is awfully close to Robert Blake’s story, and you’d be hard pressed to find many people in town today who don’t think he got away with murder.

And of all the TV show’s to pick for Rick to be playing the villain in the pilot episode, why Lancer?

Few people today remember the series, and Tarantino taking liberties with the actual pilot episode plot isn’t noteworthy…

…or is it?

The actual series starred Andrew Duggan as Murdoch Lancer, patriarch of the Lancer family, with Wayne Maunder played Scott Lancer, the upscale older son, and James Stacy as his half-brother, gunslinger Johnny Madrid Lancer. Elizabeth Baur played Teresa O'Brien, Murdoch Lancer's teenage ward. 

For Once Upon A Time In Hollywood, Tarantino replaced the real life Elizabeth Baur / Teresa O’Brien with “8 year old” Trudi Frazer (in the book; Fraser in the movie) / Mirabella Lancer (played in the film by 10 year old Julia Butters).

Why Lancer?  Why this particular change?

Lancer’s Johnny Madrid Lancer was played by James Stacy, a brief appearance in the film, but far more substantial scenes in the book (as well as the reader getting to see what he’s thinking and feeling).  Tarantino uses these scenes in the book to explain a bit about on set etiquette.

James Stacy was an actual person, and he actually played Johnny Madrid Lancer in the series.

In September of 1973, he was maimed in a motorcycle accident, losing his left arm and leg.

He refused to let his disability sideline him, and in 1975 appeared in Posse as a newspaper man, then went on to play numerous supporting roles in films and TV shows until 1995.

That was the year he was arrested, tried, and convicted of molesting an 11 year old girl.

He didn’t show up for his sentencing hearing, choosing instead to fly to Hawaii and attempt suicide.  Arrested and returned to California, instead of probation he received a 6 year prison sentence when it was learned he’d been arrested twice after the first crime on prowling charges in which he approached two other young girls.

Quentin Tarantino, the all time grand master maven of pop culture didn’t know this?

And in the book, Trudi calls Rick for a later night conversation about their day on the set.

This is an 8 year old child calling an adult after midnight.

To their credit, Tarantino and Rick both tell Trudi up front this is not an appropriate thing to do…

…but the call continues.

It doesn’t veer off into creepy territory, and when it ends it actually puts Rick’s character back on an upward trajectory, one in which he no longer feels he’s screwed up his life.

But still…

This is a really weird context.

(The scene was filmed for the movie but didn’t make the final cut.  Look closely on the movie poster under Brad Pitt’s chin and you’ll see an image of Julia Butters holding a teddy bear and talking on the phone.)

Style

Once Upon A Time In Hollywood the movie is consistent and spot on.  It uses cinematic language to maximum effect.

Once Upon A Time In Hollywood the book is all over the map.

It manages to stay entertaining even at its most erratic, but the inconsistency works against it.

As noted before, the point of view is constantly shifting, sometimes seen through a character’s eyes, sometimes through an omniscient third person point of view, sometimes in what appears to be uncredited narration from Randy, and in several chapters exploring the Lancer story-within-a-story as mediocre pulp fiction typical of movie and TV tie-ins of the era.

Tarantino does not stay consistent with his characters, either.  This indicates adapting scenes from earlier drafts without really smoothing out the fit.

Another point of view issue is Tarantino’s own.

Once Upon A Time In Hollywood the novel reads like the work of an older, very culturally conservative writer.

Many writers will argue that the evils their characters do in their books are not reflections on the author but simply the character acting consistently with who they are.

Kinda true…but that character comes from the writer’s imagination, and the writer needs to think up all those terrible things the character thinks and does and say, so somewhere deep down inside the dungeons of that writer’s mind…those things live and breed.

Rick is depicted as out of step with the new Hollywood and the hippie era in both film and book, but the book reinforces and rewards him for being out of step, unlike the movie whree he finds an entrance to the future.

Once Upon A Time In Hollywood the novel now makes me reexamine all of Tarantino’s earlier efforts, in particular Pulp Fiction and Django Unchained and The Hateful 8 and see if his world view has changed, or if its been there all the time only he concealed it better in the past.

Presentation

Once Upon A Time In Hollywood the book is packaged to look like a mass market paperback from the late 1960s to 1980s (in fact, very specifically 1980s style mass market paperbacks).

It even closes with ads for Oliver’s Story, Serpico, and The Switch, all bona fide movie tie-ins books, as well as Ride A Wild Bronc, a fictitious title, written by Marvin H. Albert.

Albert was a bona fide popular fiction writer under his own name and several pseudonyms, as well as screenplays based on his books for Duel At Diablo, Rough Night In Jericho, Lady In Cement, and The Don Is Dead.  Tony Rome, played by Frank Sinatra in two movies, is probably his best known character.  Several of the books he wrote were movie and TV tie-ins including The Pink Panther and The Untouchables.

The last ad is for the deluxe hardcover edition of Once Upon A Time In Hollywood, promising new material and previously unreleased photos.

The editing and copyediting of the book are subpar.  As noted above, tone and consistency fluctuate throughout the book.  A sharper editor would have removed redundancies, smoothed out clunky scenes.

Typographical errors abound throughout.  Early on they mention the Mannix TV show in italics (the book’s standard style for movie and TV show titles) then sloppily put the character’s name, Mannix, in italics as well and, to add further insult to injury, Mannix’ secretary Peggy also gets her name italicized.  Song titles are listed either in italics or unitalicized in quotes; pick a style and stick with it, guys…

Finally, Quentin baby, I gotta say ya missed a bet by not having a cardboard center insert ad for Red Apple cigarettes; that would have completely nailed the retro look.

  © Buzz Dixon

[nobody-wants-ice-cream]

Everything Wrong With The Umbrella Academy. Episode 2, Run Boy Run.

Link to the first episode!

Same disclaimer as last episode: This is all in good fun! I wanted to do a really nitpicky re-watch of the series and found some really cool and interesting things I didn’t notice before. This is meant to have a Cinema Sins-esque tone. However, I did take off a lot more sins than Cinema Sins would have because I do genuinely like the series and the people that made it possible. So all of the good things got one sin off and all the bad things got one sin added. This is a really long post, so grab some popcorn. If there’s anything that I missed, feel free to add it!

Run Boy Run 

Grace started the Herr Carlson record before the kids even arrived. How are they supposed to learn if they miss the first few seconds of it?  What is the point of the record if they’re not even around to hear all of it?+1

The kids all have their hands on the chairs except for Five, showing that he will do something out of the ordinary. -1

Diego is causing property damage to Reggie’s chairs and Reggie allows this. Be consistent, show! Is Reggie lenient or strict? You could make the argument that Reggie doesn’t care about the chair because he’s rich. In that case, sinning for capitalism.+1

Klaus is already into drugs at the age of 13. We can see him rolling a blunt, and doing it quite well, presumably. +1

Ben is straight up allowed to read at the table. So then what is the point of the record if the kids don’t have to pay attention to it? +1

The kids expressions when Five stabs the table. The ones that we see are pure gold. Especially Klaus’s. Well done Dante Albidone. -1

Diego’s side eye when Five starts arguing with Reggie. This is the perfect expression for “my sibling is about to get in trouble”, so props to Blake Talabis. -1

Vanya’s side eye is also good. TJ McGibbon did well. -1

We see Five jump faster than a bullet, but he’s significantly slower when jumping across the table. +1

Reggie is a dick to Five, who just wants to explore his powers. We know that it’s dangerous because we see Five getting stuck, but Five doesn’t think that that is really a possibility. Reggie only talks in confusing ice and acorn metaphors. +1

Five’s face when Reggie presents the ice and acorn metaphor. -1

Vanya and Allison both give Five a look in this scene. This is what makes Five hesitate. Two of his siblings tell him it’s a bad idea, but he does it anyway because he’s a stubborn bastard. +1

Grace’s face drops when Five starts running out the door. Allison and Vanya also look absolutely horrified. -1

“Run Boy Run” is a little on the nose. Especially once you remember that The Boy is Five’s hero name in the comics. +1

No one cares that a 13 year old popped into existence out of nowhere when Five starts traveling into the future. +1

Easter egg! There is an ice cream cart outside the academy. If you’ve read Dallas, you know why I think that’s significant. Also, it happens to be my icon. -1

Five’s look of complete disbelief and horror when he is faced with the apocalypse for the first time. -1

“Vanya! Ben!” This has created a lot of curiosity in the fandom. In the comics he left before they were named, but in the show it looks like he chose to keep Number Five. Why? +1

The apocalypse looks very believable. -1

Title screen umbrella! -1

The awesome scene with Ellen Page and Aidan Gallagher continues in the next episode. -1

Where would Five have heard that rumor about Twinkies having an endless shelf life? It’s not like he was very exposed to pop culture as a kid. +1

Vanya doesn’t keep her Violin in the case. She leaves it proped on a chair, which is basically begging gravity to come and fuck up your instrument. +1

Five plays the pronoun game and doesn’t tell Vanya about Dolores. +1

The last thing Five heard for 40 years was Reggie’s stupid metaphor. That’s a sin for the metaphor and a sin for Five’s pain and suffering. +2

Vanya gives someone with a thirteen-year-old’s liver a few shots worth of hard liquor in a tall glass. +1

“You think I didn’t try everything to get back to my family?” This quote is Five at his core. It shows his exact motivation. Aidan Gallagher really could have screwed up with this line because it’s so raw, but the delivery doesn’t suck. Well done. -1

Is that liquor real? Aidan Gallagher’s face suggests that it is and he only takes two sips of it. Also, Five takes a sip when it’s just a bit, pours more, then takes another sip, and doesn’t drink any more of it. Sin for showmakers possibly giving a kid real alcohol and sin for Five only taking a sip after pouring a lot out. +1

However, if the alcohol is fake, which I really hope it is, sin off for Aidan Gallagher’s acting. -1

Five expects Vanya to believe his crazy apocalypse story. I had a hard time believing it when we were shown flashbacks as the audience. It wasn’t until they brought in the Commission that I actually believed it. If Five had explained the Commission, just like he did to Luther, then Vanya would have had an easier time believing him. +1

Vanya calls Five crazy and then expects him to not be hurt and want to stay in her apartment. +1

Vanya takes the pills after an emotionally charged scene. Pills-foreshadowing. -1

Five’s hands are shaking when he’s looking at the eyeball. This shows both his uncertainty, with this being his only clue, and shows that he is unwilling to leave his sister again even after she called him insane. -1

Mary J. Bilge. -1

The Lunar Motor Lodge has rates by the week, day, and hour. The Commission is super sleazy for putting Hazel and Cha Cha in a place that also rents by the hour. +1

Hazel and Cha Cha are an underrated duo. The “It smells like cat piss” dialogue is honestly really funny. -1

Obvious villains are obvious. I know they’re meant to be obvious, but it doesn’t change the fact that a show with a lot of subtlety just kind of thrust Hazel and Cha Cha in there with no subtlety at all. +1

Hazel stores the briefcase away and throws a screw, foreshadowing that this will be an important detail later. -1

No one, including police, notices the blinking and beeping, neon green tracker. +1

Patch is sort of right. Five made a jump in the middle of two of the local hires, which caused them to shoot each other. -1

“The guy had an eclair and the kid had coffee”. Patch’s side eye says that she thinks Agnes is getting her story mixed up. If we didn’t see what happened, then the audience wouldn’t believe Agnes either. Great acting Ashley Madekwe. -1

Agnes doesn’t stay in the back room. She crawls out so her head can dramatically pop up over the counter after Five leaves. This is a stupid decision on Agnes’s part.+1

Agnes is seen handling American money. Somehow we as a fandom didn’t notice this. Klaus also uses American money to buy drugs later in this episode. Sinning the showmakers not specifying which state at the very least, but reluctantly because I know that’s a reference to the comics. +1

“What other detective”. Camera cuts to Diego exiting Griddys. -1

Diego is a vigilante. What he is doing impedes the law. In this instance, we want him to stop Patch’s investigation because we know that the answer leads back to Five, which would be bad for the plot. However, Patch’s annoyance suggests Diego has done this to her before. How many murderers have gone free because Diego intervenes in Patch’s cases? +1

Diego did not consent to being searched and having his personal belongings taken. +1

Ebay exists but there is no internet or smartphones. What? +1

Diego thinks that this looks like a botched robbery. No way in hell does this look like a robbery of a doughnut shop in any universe. A bank robbery, yeah sure, but not a doughnut shop. What kind of doughnut shop has the kind of money that requires multiple guys with very large weapons, Diego? +1

The way Patch is described to Five by Diego in a later episode does not match the personality she actually has. +1

A whole crowd of people had nothing better to do than to watch the cops investigate a murder scene in a densely populated city. +1

Is Luther hitting his head after he wakes up a character choice? He does it again with the model airplane. After the low ceilings on the moon for four years, you would think that he would learn to duck. +1

Emmy Raver-Lampman gives an amazing performance when talking to Luther about Claire. -1

Allison has multiple posters of herself in her room. I am sinning for her younger self’s narcissism. +1

However, this narcissism goes hand in hand with Allison as a character. Props to the set designers for making these posters and hanging them up. It adds detail to Allison’s room and really shows who she was as a character. -1

“When Claire was little I used to read her books about the moon. I’d tell her her Uncle was living up there” Allison doesn’t remember that Luther was on the moon and therefore shouldn’t know about her divorce in the first episode, but says this in the second episode. +1

Luther looks so genuinely happy at being Claire’s personal superhero. -1

The ghosts torturing Klaus. +1

That fucking animal print thing Klaus is wearing. +1

Robert Sheehan is very, very attractive. This makes up for the monstrosity Klaus is wearing. -1

“You know you talk in your sleep.” “Oh there’s no point. You’re out of drugs” I love Ben as a character so much. -1

“Shut your piehole, Ben. Said with love” smooch. I love this line. -1

“I’ve got a crazy idea. Why not try starting your day with… a glass of orange juice or some eggs”. Justin Min’s delivery of this line kills me every time. -1

Pogo is really vague about why the papers in Reggie’s box are important. If he said something about the papers detailing the Academy’s powers in explicit detail, Klaus would have tried harder to get them back. +1

We don’t see Klaus pull out the Red Journal in episode one. +1

“Liar” “Drop dead” “Low blow”. This is an iconic interaction for a reason. -1

Pogo knows that Klaus can talk to ghosts, but remains offended when Klaus tells a ghost to shut up. +1

“Really awful, terrible, depressing times” Reggie is a dick to his children. +7

Vanya sleeps with the door to her bedroom open, even though we saw her close it. So she must have gotten up to open the door and didn’t notice Five was gone. +1

Where did Five go all night? Did he sleep back in the Academy? It couldn’t have taken him this long to get to the MeriTech building, so what happened to him? He changed to a clean uniform, so presumably he went to the Academy, but why did the show vague this? Did he walk into a department store and buy/steal a clean shirt?+1

Only the plot relevant person notices Five. The front desk girl doesn’t question why he’s there. And that is her literal job. I would know, I run the front desk at a medical office. If you don’t greet the patients then you’re not doing your job, front desk girl.+1

“Must have just [click] popped out.” iconic.-1

Five decides that violence is the best course of action to get the information he needs, directly contradicting “I know how to do everything” +1

The 1938 fingerprints may be Five’s. However, police usually discard this kind of evidence because there is a very reasonable doubt. Not to mention that anyone could have touched the knife. It’s a public place. Forensic evidence is not as reliable as it is portrayed in the media. +1

Diego is an asshole to everyone, but especially to Patch. She’s right, Diego is obstructing justice. How many murderers have gone free because Diego interfered in an investigation? +1

Diego’s boiler room is way too big to be a boiler room. +1

Luther’s reflection in Diego’s mask shows that Luther wants to know what it would be like to be number two instead of number one. Luther can’t lead for shit and subconsciously wishes that he didn’t have to. -1

With an aerial shot of the Academy from the outside, we can see that Reggie never bothered to take the laundromat sign off the mansion or that Reggie sold ad space on the mansion exterior. +1

Reggie is a dick to animals. See: the animal skeletons and the taxidermy. +1

Part of the mansion is painted an ugly neon green for no reason. +1

“Sorry I left without saying goodbye”. The “both times” is unspoken. -1

Vanya apologises for calling him crazy and being dismissive, but still suggests he needs mental help. He does, but maybe suggest it later when he isn’t convinced you think he’s insane? +1

Five lies to Vanya about something stupid. If he said that he was having Klaus help him with the apocalypse, I don’t think she would have minded. +1

Why does Five have so many toys in his room? Including a baseball? +1

Klaus comes out of the wardrobe as loudly as possible. The mansion does not have sound proofing (see: I Think We’re Alone Now dance party). There is no way in hell Vanya didn’t hear him. +1

This is the last time Vanya and Five interact. +1

Five’s room is more childish than a thirteen-year-old’s room should be. It honestly looks like he was the favorite because his room has so many toys in it. Like Reggie wanted to win his favor or something. Sinning for the weird set design choice and for Reggie being an asshole. +1 

The fake circumstances in which Five was born in their cover story gives me immense joy. -1

In one camera angle, if you look carefully they cut two takes of “what a disturbing glimpse into that thing you call a brain”. In the one where we can’t see his face properly, Aidan Gallagher is openly smiling. Corpsing. +1

Robert Sheehan is funny. -1

Syd the tow truck guy doesn’t really look like Sean Sullivan (actor that plays adult Five) enough for Cha Cha, a trained assassin, to not see that he isn’t their mark. +1

Hazel eating a sandwich in this scene. Also the “Italian for dinner line”. -1

And Cha Cha sees the differences between Syd and Five later! +1

“Time travel’s a bitch” “Especially without a briefcase” There's other time travel methods than briefcase or being Five? Elaborate. +1

Patrick is a dick to Allison. We understand why later, but really Patrick, you’re going to be an asshole when her father just died? Don’t get me wrong, Reggie abused the hell out of her, but still! Patrick should have let Allison talk to Claire. +1

Vanya tries to comfort Allison even though she knows nothing about the situation other than that it happened. She’s never even met Patrick! +1

Allison is clearly trying to get away from this conversation with Vanya, but Vanya presses on. +1

“Well if I wanted advice, Vanya, no offence, it wouldn’t be from you”. This is why Vanya doesn’t take Allison’s advice about Leonard. Also, Allison is a dick to Vanya. +1

This scene with Allison and Vanya is interesting. Allison is projecting her pain and taking it out on Vanya, who really should have seen and heard what happened enough to leave her alone. Both of them are the bad guy here regardless of how you slice it. I am sinning the show for this moment because they really tried to villainize Allison for this scene, but she does have some well thought out points and is in an emotionally compromised state. Or in other words, the fight between Allison and Vanya is stupid. +1

Grant/Lance/whatever gave Klaus and Five valuable office time. Doctors do not have time for this sort of crap. Shouldn’t this guy have patients? +1

Aidan Gallagher looks to the actor playing Grant/Lance/whatever as if he’s waiting for him to say his line. I see this all the time with younger kids in theatre, but they can get away with it if their character has a reason to look at that character. That being said, Five would have no reason to do this.+1

The sound effect that plays when Klaus slaps Five is really out of place. +1

Seeing Robert Sheehan slap Aidan Gallagher. -1

Klaus pauses as if he’s listening to Ben before he picks up the snowglobe. -1

The snowglobe. Robert Sheehan pretending to be Klaus pretending to be Five’s crazy dad. Acting. -1

Five looks like a proud grandfather when Klaus gets Lance to show them the records. -1

Five doesn’t pay Klaus for that brilliant acting. Also, how was Five planning to give Klaus $20. He doesn’t have any money nor do we ever see him with money. Five is a cheapskate. +1

Klaus calls Five “old man”. I thought that was just a fandom thing lmao. -1

“You must be horny as hell”. Great Klaus line, but super weird that he’s saying it to someone that looks thirteen. +1

Klaus is wearing the shirt that goes with his nicest outfit underneath Reggie’s pinstripe suit. -1

“Goodbye Dolores”, a song from the soundtrack, starts playing when Five starts talking about Dolores. This is good placement of that song because we later learn that he left her in the apocalypse when he left to work for the Commission. -1

Five is a dick to Klaus. Klaus is really trying to connect with his long lost brother, but Five jumps away. +1

That taxi driver doesn’t freak out and cause a car accident when a random kid appears in his car. +1

Also, how did Five pay for that taxi? Did he jump out of the moving vehicle too? +1

Leonard is so obvious from the start. So charming that he’s slimy. +1

Vanya can’t see this and is actually attracted to him. This may go back to that conversation with Allison when she asks if Vanya has ever been in a relationship. For all we know, the answer is no. +1

Leonard took three years of German in prison. I don't think American jails are that nice. +1

Leonard picks up another person’s instrument without their consent. As a musician, this is very, very painful. +2

Diego is paranoid, but also observant as fuck. -1

But how did he get his weapons back from the police? Are knives open carry in whatever state this is in? There are some states where Diego’s harness would be legal so it’s possible. I’ll have to look into this. Sinning the show for being vauge as fuck. +1

Luther didn’t notice the boiler room door open. +1

Diego throws weapons on his siblings. +1

Reginald Hargreeves died March 21st. The funeral is on March 24th. This is way too soon. It should have been a week or two not two days between the date of death and the funeral. Especially considering Luther suspects Reggie was murdered. And if you say that Reggie, Pogo, or Grace bribed them, then I’m sinning for bribery.+1

Diego eats a raw egg. Salmonella headass. +2

David Castaneda eats a raw egg. Why did you make him do this? It adds nothing to the character other than making Diego look dumb as hell. +1

Vanya interrupts her student while he’s playing and doing well. Whenever my teacher does that I get a minor heart attack. +1

Leonard is already lying to Vanya. He manipulates her by saying his Dad was into music and that's why he’s taking violin lessons. +1

An actual place named “Bricktown” in a place called “The City.” Sigh. +1

It is four o’clock when Leonard takes his lesson, but then after the lesson we cut to night time. What happened in those couple hours, show? Are you really saying that these characters did nothing interesting for all that time? +1

Emmy Raver-Lampman clearly isn’t smoking. Which is fine because she’s a Broadway actress and needs her voice/lungs for that part of her career. It’s weird because it shows that Allison isn't smoking. +1

Pogo scolds Allison for her language. Allison is an adult, Pogo. +1

Klaus made a drink at a young age and Reggie didn’t stop him. Or talk to him. He recorded Klaus drinking, but didn’t care. +1

The showmakers show us Allison’s face for dramatic tension instead of showing us the tape. This was a good choice and I feel it helped the narative.-1

They show a sign “Gimbel Brothers Seniors Tuesdays 10% Off.” after Five walks by. -1

The most awkward and dopey smile in existence when Five finds Dolores. -1

They play “Goodbye Dolores” after he finds her. That could have worked if they transposed it to the major key. Hello Dolores. +1

“Goodbye Dolores” transitioning into “Don’t Stop Me Now” by Queen. -1

This action sequence is great. -1

Hazel’s wrist splint. -1

Five cuts Cha Cha with a trowel. -1

The dual screen thing is cool. -1

Five literally jumps over a stand and somehow doesn’t get shot. Hazel and Cha Cha have Stormtrooper aim. +1

How did Hazel and Cha Cha leave? You would think the police would notice someone leaving through the back. +1

Similarly, how did Five and Dolores get out of this? Did he wait until he could jump and teleport outside the store? Can he teleport that far? +1

How did Diego get another police scanner so quickly? Unless that’s the scanner Patch confiscated? +1

“I gotta show you something” +1

Once again, Five should be a lot sweatier. What are these magic, sweat absorbing things you can buy in a department store and where can I buy them? +1

Five sees an eyeball and immediately picks it up for no reason. He doesn’t even know that’s Luther’s body yet. He just picked up an eye for no reason. +1

Five as a thirteen-year-old boy saw his siblings' dead bodies. Sinning for trauma. +1

Aidan Gallagher portrays this trauma well. -1

Overall Review: 

I love this episode and had a hard time finding things wrong with it. I genuinely like this episode and I think that it could have stood alone as the pilot. 

Some acting things I noticed, David Castaneda, John Magaro (Leonard), and Ashley Madekwe were the standouts this episode. All three brought something interesting to the table this episode and I look forward to re-watching their scenes. I wish Madekwe and Magaro all the best as I know that they probably won’t be returning for season two. 

The plot thickens! Hazel and Cha Cha were introduced in a very obvious way compared to the subtle way they introduced Leonard. There is a reason I adore this episode, and it’s not just for Klaus slapping Five (though that is part of it). 

Total: 52

Sentence: We saw Diego eat a raw egg. That’s punishment enough for this episode. 

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #381

“don’t try to be the one person who has stayed just to say they never left me”

Do you feel bored with your life? Always. Do you miss anyone who was mean to you in the past? I sometimes miss Colleen, but I know it's for the better that we no longer associate with each other. What’s the most weight you’ve ever gained from a medication? I don't know, but a fuck of a lot. Thanks, Abilify. Have you ever been suicidal? Yes. Do you pray? If yes, to whom? No. What do you miss about high school? Memories with Jason. What do you miss the most about college? Socializing. What was the best date you’ve ever been on? A triple date to an arcade w/ Jason and friends. What’s the last great song you discovered? The most recent one? I don't know, really. Do you feel free to post how you feel on Facebook? Yeah. Don't like what I post, delete me. Have you ever done cocaine? Yikes, no thanks. Do you think you’ll ever get married? Do you want to? I sometimes wonder if I ever will. I'm scared of just continuing to be an unemployed leech that is doing nothing significant with her life, in which case it's like, why even be with me romantically. I feel like such a dead end street. I want to get married someday. Who do you care about the most? When it comes down to it, probably my mom. Have you ever made out on a couch? Yeah. Would you ever get gauged ears? I want small gauges, actually. When it comes to clothing, are you the conservative type? Yes, because I hate my body and don't want others to see it. Do you enjoy eating? I wish I didn't. Have you ever ridden in a race car? No. Do you go out of your way to impress the opposite gender? No. Do you enjoy history? Not really, no. It bores me. Are you a pajama person or do you stay dressed all day? I'm just about always in my pjs. Do you value looks or personality more? Personality is way more important. Have you ever changed religions? Yeah. Born Roman Catholic, converted to Christianity when I further understood the differences, then I went to how I am now: I believe in something(s), but I don't quite know what. I wouldn't call myself a Neo-Pagan, but it's what I relate most to. Would you ever wear fake eyelashes? I would for like, my wedding. Foo fighters vs. Red Hot Chili Peppers: I'm actually not a big fan of either. Are you a fan of the SAW movies? I don't really watch them. Do you ever forget how old your siblings are? My two immediate sisters, I'm sometimes a year off. All my others, yes. :x Mountain Dew or Sprite? Mountain Dew, of course. I really don't like Sprite now, which is ironic because as a kid, it was my favorite soda. Could you ever give yourself a shot? Yeah. Have you ever worked as a cashier? That was one of my duties when I worked at a dollar store. If you are on birth control that allows you take pills and skip your period, how often do you opt to skip it? How come? My birth control doesn't allow me to skip, but rather, it regulates it. Is there a book series where you loved the first book, but for some reason the other books in the series just didn’t measure up? I can't say that, no, as most series I just kinda fell out of, like The Hunger Games. LOVED the first book, started the second, and even though I was enjoying it, I just stopped for some reason? Are there any stores/restaurants that you would like to shop/eat at, but there aren’t any located near enough to you? Haha yeah, like lots of west coast fast food places like Jack n' the Box or however it's formatted. If you were told by a professional that you were unable to become pregnant, how would that affect you? Is there something important to you about conceiving a biological child rather than adoption? And finally, if you even want to have children, would you choose adoption or surrogacy or would you go on childless? I don't even want kids, so honestly, I'd be stoked if I learned I was infertile. Wouldn't need to worry about the chance of getting pregnant and facing an abortion dilemma. Is there something that you did not used to take seriously, that you either now take seriously or wish that you had in the past (e.g., a relationship that you miss, your education, etc.)? Hm. I don't know. Are there any subjects that you are interested in so much that you would read whole books or academic journals about them? Meerkats, especially. I will read EVERY scientific article about them I find. Are you physically affectionate with your friends? I'm a hugger. When you were in middle school and high school, did you witness a lot of bullying? How did the teachers react to name-calling or violence? Not really, thankfully. Are any of your friends/relatives actually impressive artists or writers? Are you willing to share an example of their work? Yeah. I have a cousin who's really good at drawing, and my sister is a wonderful cake decorator. Do you drink more apple or orange juice? Orange. Could you forgive your best friend for sleeping with your gf/bf? My hypothetical bf/gf, no. Would you ever donate blood? I have before, and I would again if I knew I was hydrated enough and the opportunity was right there. Would you rather drink coffee or tea? Ugh, neither. Do you get easily embarrassed? YES. How long was your longest make out? TMI alert, like all night. If the person who hurt you most said they’re sorry would you believe them? I honestly don't know. Do you have sensitive skin? Very. What color is your mum's car? White. Do you live in an apartment? No. Do you have a pet fish? Nope. Are you happy with your eye color? I wish they were a more sapphire blue. Solid soap bar or liquid body wash? Absolutely liquid body wash. What color do you want your dream car to be? Baby pink. *-* Do you have more then one favorite band? I say I do, but at the same time I know Ozzy Osbourne will ALWAYS be #1. Do you prefer being single or in a relationship? In a relationship. But it's absolutely not something I'm about to force just for the sake of being in one. Would you be really upset if Facebook ceased to exist tomorrow? Nah. Have you or would you try shark meat? No to both. Do you know anyone that's pescatarian? No. Someone I watch on YouTube is, though. Are you shy or over confident around your crushes? Super shy. Do you think the govt. has a cure for cancer, but is hiding it from public? Hell, I think it's very well possible, but I lean more towards for financial hoarding, they simply don't further pursue potential cures that are discovered. I mean, just THINK about all the "future cures" you've read or heard about. It's fucking outrageous. It's all to fuel the medical industry. Okay, tin hat coming off. Last time you drank a diet soda? A very long time ago, because diet soda gives me a massive headache. Was your ex born in America? Only one wasn't. Name your favorite type of music and why. Metal. I for one just like the sound, and I find it very therapeutic when I'm especially mad or sad. Even when I'm in a good mood, I just enjoy it. I also feel that a lot of metal songs tell interesting stories and/or have very poetic lyrics. Do you own or have you read, or thought of reading any self-help books? I haven't, but I've considered it. Can you breakdance? Definitely not. Have you ever read a book and not understood it? If so which one? Yes. We were assigned this one war novel in middle school that was FUCKING AWFUL, like I was checked out the whole time. I don't remember its name or anything. Have you ever watched a movie and not understood it? If so which one? Yes; the Warcraft movie I mentioned in a recent survey. Orcs and their fucking deep-ass voice that I couldn't understand. Do you blowdry your hair? No. Tell me about your dream last night. Omfgggggg y'all. So, there's one invert pet that I've never understood the keeping appeal of, and that's giant centipedes. Their bites are notoriously excruciating, and they are just SO goddamn fast. Well, for some godforsaken reason, I wanted one as a pet. Got one, and it immediately got loose. Guess who wanted to shit herself lmao. Centipedes are very cool, but only from a distance, ya feel? Have you ever stayed in a fancy high-class rich hotel? No. Have you ever stayed in a rent-by-the-hour motel? I don't think so. Describe the worst fight you’ve ever been in whether physical or verbal. I'm not entirely sure about my *worst*, but I know it was with Mom. We've had a few. Have you heated any food in your microwave today? Yeah, a shrimp alfredo Lean Cuisine bowl. Do you own any items of clothing with cartoon characters on them? Yes. Have you ever played Animal Crossing? No, it doesn't seem like my kinda game. Do you own anything (e.g jewelry, accessories) with your initial on it? Yes, but none of which I personally bought because I don't really like them. Do you own any cats or dogs? What are their names? I have a cat named Roman. <3 Have you added any books to your shelves lately? Which? No. Have you bought any new cosmetics or toiletries lately? Which? No. Do your pets have a specific type of food that they prefer? Roman will eat whatever cat food he's given, while Venus, like your average ball python, is a picky eater. Like when I first got her, she wouldn't eat for almost a year because I just couldn't find a method through which she'd accept food. Now she consistently takes frozen/thawed small rats that have actually sat in warm water (versus doing it by hand under running water), and she generally won't strike it unless it's offered to her by tongs, but not dangling by the tail. Picky, picky miss thang. What's your favourite variety of apple? I'm not very particular about flavor so long as the apple is crisp. I canNOT do soft apples. Which of your physical features do you receive the most compliments about? My hair.

[woulddieforperrytheplatypus]

To distract myself from this awful political scene I'm forced to watch for history class: can you give us some obscure side characters (like, Dr. Diminutive, Newton the Gnu, type characters) you absolutely love for no reason? :) <3

Okay I am literally so late because I was doing my chem reading and my writing hw BUT I can’t refuse a chance to scream about my favorite characters (but y’all can refuse to listen to my scream about them so here’s a cut)

First of all, I want you to know that I haven’t even started listing characters yet and this ask has already lead me to spend almost $4 on Agent P’s Guide to Fighting Evil and that’s why I don’t look at the PnF wiki when I’m tired thank you for coming to my TED talk

I almost feel like I’m cheating by starting with Dr. Diminuitve but HOW CAN I NOT LIKE TELL ME THAT LIL MAN IS NOT THE BEST CHARACTER THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN OKAY FUCKIN DO IT JUST KIDDING YOU CAN’T I mean come on, one of his first lines was literally “I don’t have a Napoleon complex; Napoleon had a ME complex!” I had to check the wiki to see if that was his first line ever and I’m very disappointed that it wasn’t and then in OWCA’s Going Down when all the evil scientists were just vibin against the fence and they started doing that West Side Story snappy walk and Diminutive was so into the snaps that he just didn’t fucking move and then he opened his eyes and the rest of the gang was halfway off the screen fjdskhfkalsfhaskl I just really love him okay the more I think about it the more convinced I am that he’s actually my favorite character

Idk if this counts as an obscure side character but he is incredibly underrated so I gotta throw in: LAWRENCE FUCKING FLETCHER. He’s just such a pure and innocent lil dude. He sees the boys doing dangerous shit and he’s just like, “Well that’s happening,” or better yet, “Hey, that looks fun!” I mean, the airplace? The flying carpet? The monster trucks? He genuinely gives zero fucks and I love him for it. I wholeheartedly believe that Lawrence knows Perry is a secret agent -- or at least that he’s smarter than he acts -- but he’s literally so indifferent to everything going on around him that he never mentions it because life is full of fun and exciting things like that and he can’t talk about them all, you know? And he gets so excited about his antiques and he’s so passionate about history and ughhhh I love him 

I was about to say I feel like I’m cheating by using a special but it just occurred to me that that’s lowkey how I’ve prefaced all of these so no, fuck that, I’m using a special and that’s just how it’s gonna be. CARL FROM THE LAND OF INTERNUS WOULD HAVE MADE A MUCH BETTER ENDING THAN THE ACTUAL BOOK HAD AND FUCK YOU MONOGRAM FOR CUTTING CARL OFF BEFORE HE COULD TELL IT HOW HE WANTED TO

These two kinda go hand-in-hand but Bunka Da Bunkaquan and Sweary the Swan are my favorite alternative Perrys. As far as the specials go, Steampunx isn’t one of my favorites, but Sweary the Swan is just... How do you even describe Sweary the Swan? He is life. He is the reason I wake up in the morning. He is the only thing worth living for. And then Bunka Da Bunkaquan is just so fuckin cute and anyone who disagrees needs their eyes checked. And tbh while we’re talking about Tri-Stone area, I gotta throw in a mention of Doofengung no of course I didn’t have to google what his name was what are you talking about because I love how he just stares at the water and every time it drips he just fuckin cackles lmaooo

Okay one more special (maybe) but Doofenshmirtz in The Temple of Juatchadoon brooo I just googled it to make sure I spelled that right and I did woah my power is unmatched is lowkey my favorite Doofenshmirtz. I don’t know if it’s because I actually like him more than every other Doof or if it’s just because his first scene was with Phineas Ohio Flynn and they knew each other and they had actual interactions throughout the episode and the Doof/Phineas relationship is my favorite underexplored relationship, but Juatchadoon Doof makes the list anyway

The “what did you think, _________ was just going to fall out of the sky?” couple — who 100% deserved that cameo in catu

I’m almost afraid to say this in public, but I actually really like Roger. I was mostly indifferent to him at first, but then Delivery for Destiny happened and I was like wait a minute, why am I sleeping on his man who literally orders boxes just to give to his cat? And once I realized that he was kinda cool, it started sinking in that he was never actually a bad guy. Heinz never even really claimed he was -- if anything, his problem is that Roger isn’t a bad guy, and everyone in Gimmelshtump and Danville knows it. And I gotta give Roger credit for not being too harsh on his brother, because yeah, he can be a little stuck up (I’m looking at you, stupid golf game), but you can’t really blame him for thinking he’s better than Heinz, you know? But at least he’s not a dick about it like their parents are. Also the entire latter half of this paragraph was me trying to find a way to work in the other part of that scene with the cat box and it didn’t work so I’m just gonna tack it on to the end because this isn’t an essay for English class and I can do that lmao. Paul mentions that he just delivered something to a Heinz Doofenshmirtz, and Roger is like 😬 because let’s be real, no one wants to be represented by the type of dude to try to juice City Hall, but he’s obviously not going to say that because he’s still a respectful dude, so he’s just like “Charming... man... isn’t he...” and he’s literally so uncomfortable and it cracks me up every time but also it’s lowkey kinda wholesome because Heinz may make it his life mission to embarrass his brother but Roger doesn’t reciprocate. but I accidentally discovered a few weeks ago that John O’Hurley is a raging Trump supporter so I gotta dock points for that one

In the same vein, Paul the delivery guy. What more do I have to say?

If my love of Roger didn’t turn the world against me, this one probably will, but I’m going to say it loud and proud anyway. I LOVE PETER THE PANDA. He’s just??? so??? cute??? Like when he was tearing apart Doof’s inator and he was just... actually no scratch that I need pictures for this because I can’t explain this in words

THIS IS NOT EITHER OF THE PICTURES I WAS LOOKING FOR BUT LOOK AT THIS LITTLE GUY OH MY GOD

Peter really said “this bitch empty, YEET!”

okay but the ones I was actually looking for are...

I mean, how can you not find him adorable? And don’t even get me started on his relationship with Perry because Meapless in Seattle was just... B R O Perry flew halfway across the country (probably I mean idk where exactly Danville is but they use EST so Seattle is probably halfway across the country?) just to go grab a coffee with him. They went on a lil date at a fancy restaurant I know Dan said it wasn’t a date but he's been wrong in the tiktok comments before which means none of his opinions are canon lmao. They’re just? So? Cute? I don’t even know what to make of their relationship but I live for it.

And I can’t mention Peter without bringing up his nemesis, who, to be entirely honest, I also don’t know what to make of and he’s mostly on this list because I like the line “How did you get chorus girls in here?” and when I downloaded and cut a bunch of songs that you can download from Google Drive here if you want, I specifically kept that part in because I love it lmao (I do gotta point out tho because it’s been bugging me since I last watched the episode: I don’t think we have any proof that Professor Mystery even exists in the PnF dimension. I had just assumed he did for the longest time, but that entire episode takes place in a dimension where Lawrence is a polar bear. Who knows what other differences there are?)

I love all the grandparents and I don’t even have an explanation they’re just all adorable

Okay I know I said no more specials but TECHNICALLY at2d isn’t a special; it’s a movie. I am physically incapable of not brining up the muffin time Normbot and the “I use aggression to mask my insecurites” Normbot.

While we’re talking about Norm, his old head would 100% swear all the fucking time if it wasn’t a kids’ show and i gotta respect it

Dan Povenmire does one line for a dude named Vinnie in Mission Marvel and off the top of my head I don’t remember who he is but it was the beginning of the episode and I think (?) it was during the New York scene and he does it in the Vinnie Dakota voice long before Dakota was even a concept (I’m assuming) so he gets a mention

Jerry the Platypus gives me Paper Jam Dipper vibes and they are both valid as fuck (the fucked up Doof copy is not valid as fuck tho we’re gonna pretend he didn’t exist)

Don is literally the best part of Where’s Pinky and I’m not just saying that because I’ve been watching Whose Line for years and I was super excited to see Wayne Brady in the credits (and the fact that he was also in both the quarantine rap and catu makes me incredibly happy)

Ooh I almost forgot OWCA Files existed but Harry the Hyena playing the trumpet and the subsequent “you’re gonna be wearing that in a minute” is the best part of OWCA Files and tbh just Doof, Perry, and Harry could have carried an entire series by themselves (though I do also love Karen and Maggie)

WAIT A SECOND THE BUG TRIO FJDSAHFLKSAJD I was trying to pick a favorite last time I watched OWCA Files and every time one of them spoke they were my new favorite like I lowkey thought their plotline was boring but the characters themselves were hilarious

WAIT ANOTHER SECOND HOW DID I GET THIS FAR INTO THE LIST WITHOUT MENTIONING MONTY HOLY SHIT I’M SUCH A FAKE FAN BUT I LOVE MONTY OKAY HE IS LITERALLY JUST OZ FROM BTVS EXCEPT MONTY AND VANESSA HAVE BETTER CHEMISTRY THAN OZ AND WILLOW AND NO I WILL NOT BE ACCEPTING CRITICISM

Wait I forgot Vlorkel too omfg these two belong way higher on the list but Vlorkel is the love of my life (and I lowkey wish she had met Steve the giant chameleon because they would have become best friends)

I wanna keep going but it’s currently 1:45 in the morning (this is why I’ve been avoiding asks during the day: I get way too into them and spend a solid hour and a half on them and I’d never get any schoolwork done lmao) and it’s far from the first time I’ve stayed up this late but I figured it was fine because I have no classes tomorrow but it occurred to me like four seconds ago that I DO HAVE A CLASS TOMORROW SHIIIIT I had an anatomy exam on Tuesday during my usual class time (which if you read my tags you might have known about because I was having an existential crisis over it) so he moved our class tomorrow excePT IT’S NOT TOMORROW IT’S TODAY IT’S LITERALLY IN LESS THAN SEVEN HOURS FUCKING HELL I GOTTA GO TO BED ASAP

[creatingnikki]

Dearest Cat,

How has your experience as a 23-year-old been? I’m a month in – exactly – and I think it’s going pretty well. Of course, it’s not like I see any instant growth or changes but I see little new patterns and my stance growing stronger in things that matter, and it’s all been building for the last few years. It’s nice to see it getting finally materialised in actions, however.

I’m sorry about your breakup. I’ve never been in a long-term ‘official’ relationship but I have been in relationships that have fucked with my mind while breaking my heart so I know how it can significantly affect you for a while to come. And take it from someone who tried the long-distance thing for 6 months, it’s never worth it and it never works out anyway.

I have been, quite uncomfortably and amusingly, been watching a lot of Daniel Sloss stand up comedy and I literally just heard him talk about something I think you should hear too:

“When I was seven years old, my dad said something to me that to this day is the reason I will die alone. Very happily, I may add. But I was seven years old, I didn’t know what life was. I didn’t know what existence was, how the fuck would I know? So I thought I’d ask my dad ’cause he can fix a computer, so he must know. So I was like, “Dad, what do we all do? What’s the meaning of life? Why are we all here? What what the fuck?” And my dad loves his kids, so he wants to explain to his son in a way that he’ll understand, but unfortunately, his son’s a fuckhead. So he has to explain it in a way that a fuckhead will understand, and he accidentally did it perfectly, and it’s stuck with me since then.

This is what he said, right? I’m seven years old. He goes, “All right, buddy. Just imagine that your life, my life, everyone else’s individual life. Imagine all of our lives are like our own individual jigsaw puzzles. As we’re going through life, we’re just slowly piecing it together, bit by bit, based on experiences and lessons that we’ve learned until we get the best picture, but the thing is everyone has also lost the box for their jigsaw. So none of us know what the image we’re trying to make is, we’re just confidently fucking guessing. So the best way to do a jigsaw, when you don’t have the image to work off, is to start from the outside, the sides and the four corners. Family. Friends. Hobbies/interests. Job.

Now obviously, as you go through life, some of these bits are subject to change. Sometimes you’ll make new friends, and you’ll lose contact with old so you gotta move this corner around a bit. Sometimes you’ll get a job. That means you can’t have certain hobbies. You gotta decide then, “Do I want more me time or do I want more work time?” You gotta move the stuff around. Sometimes you’ll have a family member that dies, and they’ll leave a big hole in your life. In that moment you’ll have to find a way to fill that void, otherwise you’ll be incomplete forever. ”

Now, that made perfect sense to me, because I was seven years old. I fucking loved jigsaws. So I was like, “All right, okay. So once you’ve got the stuff on the outside, what’s the main bit of the image? What we are all working towards?” And he goes, “Well, that’s That’s the partner piece. You and this perfect person who you’ve never met before to come out of nowhere, fit your life perfectly, complete you and make you whole for the first time in your life, much like your mother did for me. ” Seven. Seven years old. I wish you just said, “Ice cream!” And we could have fucked off.

And even though what he said sounds sweet and whatever, what it manifested in my seven-year-old brain was this, “If you are not with someone, you are broken. If you are not with someone, you are incomplete. If you are not with someone, you are not whole. ”

And that’s not just something my dad made me feel, that’s something that we as a society have made every single child born in the last 40 years feel. Every Disney princess has a prince, every prince has a princess, every television show or movie always has a character in it that doesn’t want to be in a relationship. They’re happy with who they are. But then by the end of the series, guess what. They were wrong! They were wrong for wanting to be alone, what a fucking idiot. Everyone needs someone, yeah. They were just a toasty little marshmallow, weren’t they? It’s all to do with love.

Divorce, an entirely common thing that there is nothing wrong with. When you’re growing up and your friends’ parents get divorced, you’re told to not talk about it or mention it to them because it’s taboo, and it is taboo is because every relationship on the outside is perfect, because none of us are willing to admit that none of us know what the fuck we’re doing. And when you raise children in that world, where everything points towards love and everything’s perfect on the outside, when you’ve raised them for 18 fucking years, when we become an adult for the first time in our late teens and our early 20s, we’re so terrified.

We’re so trying to be an adult that some of us will take the wrong person, the wrong jigsaw piece and just fucking jam them into our jigsaws anyway, denying that they clearly don’t fit. Oh, we’ll move pieces out the way, I don’t need this hobby, I don’t need this opinion. Mom who? The bitch with the tits. What’s she done for me recently? I’m gonna force this fucking person into our lives because we’d much rather have something than nothing. Then five years later, you’re stood looking at a jigsaw you don’t recognize, being like, “Ah! There’s a fucking cunt in the middle of this.”

Maybe you do meet the perfect person. Maybe you meet them, you go out. They make you laugh. You make them laugh. They’ve got a stupid laugh, but you fucking love it. They like what you like. They like your idiosyncrasies. It’s great. It’s perfect. Oh, my God, they’ve completed you. For three months. Every relationship is perfect for three months. And here’s why. ‘Cause after three months, that’s when you realize that nobody else is a jigsaw piece.

Everyone else on this planet is as deep and as complex and individual as you are, which means they too have spent the last 20 or so years of their life working on their own jigsaw puzzle, in the same way that you’ve been working on yours. You can’t suddenly expect them to give up everything they’ve come to achieve to suddenly fit into yours in the same way that you’d be pissed off if they asked you to sacrifice everything you’ve done, suddenly come fit into theirs, but now, because you like each other and because you’re interested in each other, now you have to make a jigsaw together. And we all know how fucking annoying that is. But you do it ’cause you’re in love and you’re interested, and maybe for the first couple years, it’s great. It’s like, “Oh, my God, you love this bit of me. I love this bit of you. Oh, my God, we got the same thing, yeah!” 

But time does not equal success. You can spend five or more years with someone, and only then, after all the fun you had, be looking at the jigsaw and realize you’re both working towards very different images. Only then realize that you want different things. And in that moment, you have a very, very difficult question to ask yourself. One. Do I admit the last five years of my life have been a waste? Two. Do I waste the rest of my life? 55% of marriages end in divorce. 99. 0% of relationships that started before they are 30 end. If those were the stats for surgery, none of us would fucking risk it. But because it’s love and we’re stupid, we just lie on the operating table like, “Maybe this time I won’t die inside. ” My generation has become so obsessed with starting the rest of their lives that they’re willing to give up the one they are currently living. We have romanticized the idea of romance, and it is cancerous. People are more in love with the idea of love than the person they are with.”

You should definitely watch his whole special on Netflix. That guy makes you uncomfortable. But he also makes you laugh. And sometimes, like in his above sketch, he makes you really think.

I think he has said all I would want to tell you about your break up – and I hope it’s helpful because I spent 30 minutes trying to find its transcript haha. And I don’t know what his conclusion really is, I still have the rest of the show to watch, but I think….I think love will come to us when it has to. Until then we just have to live our lives with joy and love for ourselves anyway.

Your meaning of love…I described something similar when I spent 13th Feb – the night before Valentine’s Day making my profile on Hinge. And that’s the thing that most people don’t understand – while 90% people I know first care about the physical appearance of the person, I care about whether we connect and have a spark. Whether we can make each other laugh and kinda just be at the same level/frequency. As you said…Connection of minds and souls and knowing each other to your core. Interestingly, there’s something that hit me like a fucking truck a few months ago and I scribbled it down before it had the chance to move on and leave me confused:

All this. Writing in your journal, underlining sentences in books, taking pictures you’ll never put up on social media or show anyone. All this is your consistent and earnest effort to try to communicate and connect with your past self and get to know your future self and coordinate between the three dimensions of who you were, are and will be. It’s all for you. By you. No one else needs to validate you. Or understand you. Or question you. It’s not their place, it never was.

You need to realize the person your past self was trying to become. The person your future self will need to be. You need to have patience when you can’t figure it out. When you feel betrayed. Because no matter how lacking you may be, you will never have any malicious intentions. You’ll not be flaky, you’ll not be weak, you’ll not throw yourself under the bus. Writing letters to yourself, making playlists so meticulously to capture every season, every mood and continuing despite being uncertain and confused…it’s all you reaching out to yourself.

And I think…it’s when we’re earnestly and constantly trying to connect with ourselves when we come across a person who does the same…we will easily and naturally connect with them, their energy.

I realize that due to the Jigsaw sketch by Daniel Sloss this letter has gotten pretty lengthy. But I still want to talk to you for some more. I hope you’re with me and have connected with my words up until now

About the work friends and how they were there for you and made you feel…isn’t that one of the most comforting, lovely and reliving things? Kinda unexpected too, no? I remember last year, a random lunch on a random workday, I looked around at these 4 smart, brilliant, kind and strong women – my co-workers and friends – at the round lunch table talking about meaningful things – personal and worldly – as we always did and just thinking – wow, finally, I finally belong! I’ve always been a very one-to-one person when it came to friends and was never part of a group (other than groups that feel absolutely uncomfortable and unwelcomed) that was so accepting, loving, sensitive and sincere. And smart! Gosh, so damn smart!

Soon after, each of us left that company – horrible management – and it’s been a year now. We are in touch but of course, it’s never going to be the same as before. And that’s okay. Just thinking of those times and them is enough to make me feel as loved and accepted as I did back in those days. And that’s what I want to tell you – you will come across such people who will truly care about you and help you nurture yourself but their life will overlap with yours just for a while. As a child, this would make me sad and angry! Now, it only makes me super grateful and mindful about being present in the moment that is now, in the life I am living right now. And I hope you can too

So, Cat, I don’t know how many months you have of being 23 but I hope they are all, as well as the coming years, full of connecting with yourself, with people that genuinely care about your well-being and growth and with everything that brings you joy and peace.

Lots of love,

Nikki

I wrote this letter for Nura basis some questions they answered. You can read the questions and their answers here. 

Guys - I have received 29 people’s responses for The Love Project - 29 days of love letters. So I won’t be accepting anymore, however, you can read other letters here. 

I may do this again later in the year and if you would want to receive a love letter from me then, you can drop in your email ID here xoxo

[passivenovember]

tag game: 50 Q’s

I’m so sorry that you have to hear about me AGAIN like ugh will this bitch ever shut up! Thank you to my darling @coffeeandchemicals for tagging me, you are an angel and a scholar.

1. What color is your hairbrush? I’m a black girl so I use a purple wide toothed comb to detangle. It’s hecate’s gift to mankind <3

2. Name a food you’d never eat: I’m not picky but HAM AND BEANS. That’s a midwestern thing, i think, but I would rather keel over.

3. Are you typically too warm or too cold? Too cold. I’m cold now and I’ll be cold later.

4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago: slaving over Halloween decorations.

5. What’s your favorite candy bar? I don’t really like candy!

6. Have you ever been to a professional sports game? No, and I don’t want to.

7. What is the last thing you said out loud? It was her cat, Salem. Well he’s not really a cat, he’s a goblin and masquerades as an animal.

8. What’s your favorite ice cream? Chocolate almond <3

9. What was the last thing you had to drink? Water yum yum 

10. Do you like your wallet? Could use more money, but. It’s a lovely plum color. I carry my travel sewing kit inside the coin pocket

11. What was the last thing you ate? I had a cookie, which is kind of unheard of for me

12. Did you buy any new clothes last weekend? Yes! I got a pair of Halloween pajamas and they’re fucking EVERYTHING

13. What’s the last sporting event you watched? My partner is watching the NBA finals, so. I watched the Miami heat game against my will.

14. What’s your favorite flavor of popcorn? Cheese. I am cheesy, so it works out

15. Who was the last person you sent a text message to? My friend Mady. Love her

16. Ever been camping? Yeah, fuckin’ love it. About to disappear into the woods and y’all will never hear from me again!

17. Do you take vitamins? Yup. B6, B12, Iron supplements for the anemia. Also a women’s multivitamin because breast cancer runs in my family.

18. Do you regularly attend a place of worship? Fuck organized religion. I do practice witchcraft, however.

19. Do you have a tan? I am tan :P

20. Do you prefer Chinese or pizza? Pizza omg

21. Do you drink your soda through a straw? yup, I’m a lil fairy boy.

22. What color socks do you usually wear? Halloween socks. I have a trillion pairs. Told you I was corny.

23. Do you ever drive over the speed limit? No, I’m a loser and an extremely cautious driver. It’s kind of a problem.

24. What terrifies you? Relying on people too much.

25. Look to your left, what do you see? My jewelry box. It was a present from my parents for Kwanzaa. It has bats on it <3

26. What core do you hate most? Grocery shopping, it gives me so much anxiety. I will do ANYTHING to get out of entering a supermarket and that includes blowing the driver of Amazon fresh if it comes to that.

27. What do you think of when you hear an Australian accent? The dentist from Finding Nemo.

28. What’s your favorite soda? Sprite if I’m mad, Root beer if I’m bad

29. Do you go in a fast food place or hit the drive thru? Wait, people go inside? I thought that was a joke.

30. What’s your favorite number? Number 8

31. Who’s the last person you talked to? My partner.

32. Favorite cut of beef? I don’t like red meat really. Whatever burgers are made from?

33. Last song you listened to? The monster mash 

34. Last book you read? Credible Witness, it’s a book of paranormal police stories. I’ve read 46 books this year!

35. Favorite day of the week? Tuesday because I have a day off.

36. Can you say the alphabet backwards? I’m dyslexic, I can barely say it the regular way, wym?

37. How do you like your coffee? I’m more of a tea person. Rice milk and peppermint with a dash of rosemary.

38. Favorite pair of shoes? I have so many shoes. Maybe my demonia bat creepers or platform boots? Who knows.

39. Time you normally get up? 5 in the morning.

40. What do you prefer, sunrise or sunset? Sunset. Gorgeous.

41. How many blankets on your bed? Three. I like my room cold.

42. Describe your kitchen plates? Halloween plates (are you noticing a theme?) and these beautiful ceramic things my grandad got in Korea in the 80s.

43. Describe your kitchen at the moment? All my decorations are Halloween themed all year round. Clean--I like a clean kitchen. Can’t function in a messy space.

44. Do you have a favorite alcoholic drink? Moscow mule with extra lime.

45. Do you play cars? No but I read tarot!

46. What color is your car? Silver. 

47. Can you change a tire? yes, my grandad made sure I could do things on my own before I moved out.

48. Your favorite country? Scotland. I miss living there so much.

49. Favorite job you’ve had? Working at the Omaha zoo. Our zoo is the best in the world, and I got to spend hours outside working with kids. Teaching about conservation and animals. I miss it--I was supposed to head a new wildlife in theatre branch but then I got laid off because of covid. I miss my job so much, im boutta cry thinking about it now.

50. I tag: @liglitterbug @shewritesdirty this is long as hell so don’t feel obligated!

[lovemesomesurveys]

A How artistic are you? I’m not at all. Do you want to go to Africa? I’d love to stay at Giraffe Manor! AC/DC or Aerosmith? Aerosmith. 
Do you know what Armenia is?
  Yes.

B
 What’s your beer of choice (if any)?  Blech, none. Do you know the title of Buffalo Springfield’s one-hit wonder?  Okay, I didn’t recognize the name so I Googled it and yes, I am familiar with their one hit wonder. I actually wasn’t familiar with the song title either, but after reading the lyrics I quickly realized what song it was. Do you have a brother? (Do you like it that way?) I have two brothers, and yes I love them. Which bank do you use?  Not sharing that. C
 Which comedian do you most enjoy?  I think Kevin Hart is funny. Would you ever live in California?  I have all my life. Is it possible/likely that you’ll become a cat lady?  *Dog lady, but yes. How many different countries have visited? Just one. D
 Do you believe there’s a devil? Yes. But demons maybe?  Yes. Does eating dessert often make you feel guilty?  Nope. Can you legally drive?  I’m definitely old enough to have my license, but I don’t.  What have you been diagnosed with (if you don’t mind sharing)? Depression, anxiety, and other physical health stuff. E
 How often do you drink energy drinks?  I like to drink Starbucks Doubleshot energy drinks often. 
Where did you live when you were 11 years old? The house next door to where I live now, ha. We had our big move to the house next door to us haha about 10 years ago because our landlords wanted to install new flooring and stuff to our house, but since they had just finished this one they offered for us to just move in here lol. Do you like the actor who played Edward Scissorhands in that movie?
 Why not just say Johnny Depp? Anyway, yes, I think he’s a very talented actor. Have you ever felt an earthquake?  No, just aftershocks from one. F
 When was the last time you saw your father one-on-one? Yesterday. Do you think French is the most beautiful language?  I don’t know what I’d say is the most beautiful language. Is Friday your favorite day of the week?  No. All the days are the same for me, so meh. Have you listened to Jimi’s song ‘Fire?’  Doesn’t sound familiar. G
 Do you have real gold jewelry?  No. How often do you watch ‘Gossip Girl’?  I never have. Is Google your homepage?  Yeah. 
Do you like Geico’s commercials? Most of them are annoying. The gecko character is cute, though. H
 When did you last feel happy? Uhhh. Do you prefer Hollister, Hot Topic, or H&M?  Hot Topic is the only one I shop at now, but I used to shop at the other 2 as well. Did you dress up last Halloween?  Nope. I stopped doing that a few years ago. Would you voluntarily watch the History Channel?  Yeah and I do if there’s something of interest on. I
 Have you ever been on an island?  No. I live on one in Animal Crossing, though. ha. Would you be able to locate Indonesia on a globe?  I think so. Do you know if Iceland or Greenland has more ice?  Greenland. I remember it’s the opposite of their name for some reason. 
Did you watch the last presidential inauguration?  No. J
 Do you enjoy jogging?  No. On which instrument could you most easily play ‘Jingle Bells’?  I’ve played it on the piano. How much do you know about John Lennon? *shrug* I know some stuff. Do you know how Jell-O is made?  I know how to make Jell-O with the mix, but no I don’t know how the mix itself is made. K
 Have you tried Krispy Kreme doughnuts? (Was it love at first bite?) Yeah, but no they’re definitely not my favorite. They’re not real donuts to me, they’re just pure sugar.  
How many pairs of khaki pants do you own? “Uh, khakis?” ha, if you know, you know. Anyway, I don’t own any. 
Have you ever been a fan of the Killers?  Yeah. L
 Does it bother you when couples are lovey-dovey in public? No, unless they’re having like full on makeout sessions, straddling each other and feeling each other up and whatnot lol. Hand holding/locked arms/arm around each other, hugging, little pecks, and just being playful with each other is cute.  
Do you have your own lighter (why or why not)?  No. I don’t have a need for one. In how many languages (besides English) can you count to 100?  I can in Spanish. What’s your favorite lollipop flavor? Not a lollipop fan. M
 Do you believe in miracles (why or why not)? I do because I'm a woman of faith. What do you think of shows like Maury and Jerry Springer? I used to like watching Maury, Jerry Springer was just for laughs.  
Do you care that Mars (the candy co.) uses deadly animal testing? I haven’t heard that... I’d have to fact check. How did you form your opinion of marijuana? Based off the research supporting that it has a lot of benefits. I was especially swayed when I saw how it helped cancer patients.

N
 How often do you sleep naked?  Never. I wouldn’t find that comfortable at all, I very much like being clothed.  Do you actually check the Nutrition Facts before eating something?  Not usually, but I sometimes will just out of curiosity. 
Who is your favorite musical artist/band beginning with ‘N’? Nirvana. 
How nerdy are you (in what ways)? I’m socially awkward, for one. I also cared about school and did well, which is often considered nerdy. Also, a book nerd, Star Wars nerd, Marvel and DC movies nerd...  I enjoy those things so I don’t care, but they’re deemed “nerdy.” What do you think about olives?  Black olives are good, green olives are gross. Are you much of an outdoorsy person? Not at all. The only time I enjoy being outside is when I’m sitting out at the beach. How big of an Oprah fan are you?  I don’t really consider myself a fan. How often do you shop online?
  Quite often. P
 Are you looking forward to your prom? If you already went, how was it? My prom was over a decade ago D: Anyway,  I danced with the guy I had a huge crush on at the time, so hey it wasn’t too bad. How are your local policemen? I think they do a pretty good job overall.  What is your ideal PB&J sandwich like? Just peanut butter and grape jelly, pretty simple. What do you think of the movie ‘Pineapple Express’? I could not get into that movie at all.  Q
 How true is the saying, ‘quitters never win and winners never quit’?  I mean, can’t say “never”, but the main point from the saying makes sense. Do you prefer Quiznos or Subway and why?  I’ve gone to Subway many times, but I think I’ve only been to a Quiznos once or twice. Have you learned the quadratic formula yet? (Do you remember it?) I think I actually remember it. What is the one question you most want to ask someone and who?
  I don’t know. R
 How many rooms are in your home?  2 bedrooms. 
Do you like raspberries?
  Nah. What’s one of your best memories from during a rain storm? Hmm. I don’t know, but I just really love that kind of weather. 
Have you actually read Shakespeare’s ‘Romeo & Juliet’?  Yeah, my freshman year in high school. S
 Do you know any Sign Language?  I know the alphabet and a few sayings. What is your sleeping schedule generally like?  Oh, my sleeping schedule is an absolute joke. How well do you sing? I can’t sing well at all. How often do you listen to 60-70’s music? Now and then. I actually have several songs on my main Spotify playlist from those decades. T What do you think of Twitter?  I like being able to post my random thoughts and following certain celebrities and just interesting people for funny and interesting stuff. How much do you value the Ten Commandments?  I value them a lot. Are there many trees where you live?  Not really. 
How much taller/shorter do you wish to be? “I wish I was a little bit taller.” 🎶

U
 Where do you usually buy your underwear?  Various places. How do you define ‘ugly’?  It goes a lot deeper than just the outer appearance. Do you like to shop at Urban Outfitters?  I’ve only been to an actual store a couple times and I’ve checked out their website a few times, but I just think they’re ridiculously overpriced. V
 Would you like being described as ‘voluptuous’? No one would use that word to describe me. 
For listening to music, do you like to crank up the volume or keep it calm? I like it at a reasonable level, I don’t need it blaring.  Do you ever watch the annual Victoria’s Secret fashion show? They cancelled that a few years ago, but I never had any interest in watching that. 
Would you agree that ‘variety is the spice of life’?  Yeah. W
 Are you currently on wireless Internet?  Yeah, that’s all I have. I haven’t had to connect to a wifi router or whatever with a cord in a very long time. Can you recall memories of learning how to whistle? I still can’t do it. Do you go to White Castle or just vicariously through ‘Harold & Kumar'? I’ve never actually been to one cause they don’t have one anywhere near me (they’re on the east coast, I’m a west coast gal). I’ve only had the the White Castle burgers from the store that you cook in the microwave. I actually like them, but I’m sure the real deal is even better. X
 Why did you need your most recent x-ray and what were the results? I had to get a CT Scan a couple years ago. When it comes to ‘xoxo’, do you interpret ‘x’ as the hug or the kiss?  It’s hugs and kisses, so the X’s are hugs. What does X stand for in Roman numerals? Can you write the previous number?  X is 10, IX is 9. Why do you think xylophones are only popular with young children? That’s true, that is a pretty common baby toy. At least it was when I was little. Also, I played the xylophone in music class in elementary school. I don’t know why that’s a thing with kids. Y
 Can you explain the meaning of the yin-yang symbol? Opposite, but complimentary principles. Like, you can’t have good without bad, lightness without darkness, etc. It’s about balance. Do people more often mistake you as being younger or older than you are? Younger. Did you know that yawning is contagious?  Yeah.  Would you like a bottle of Yoo-Hoo or it’s not really your thing?  I actually like Yoo-Hoo, but I prefer it in the little carton or whatever with the straw (kinda like a Capri Sun, but it’s a box carton). It’s the perfect size, not too much. The strawberry one is my favorite. I haven’t had one in a long time, though. Z
 How many places’ zip codes do you know by heart?  Uhh, not many. What comes to mind when I say ‘Zero to Hero’? Disney’s Hercules movie.

[funtimebunnyblog]

Diamante d’Italia: Chapter 5

(Chapter 5: Another day in paradise)

Josuke grit his teeth, his chin resting in his hand as he held the phone slightly away from his ear, though the guffaw that continued to ring out from the speaker could still be very much heard.

He had already called his Mom to check in with her when he first woke up this morning and since he had the whole day ahead of him he waited until after a much needed shower to call his best friend.

That now seemed like a mistake after listening to him howl with laughter for almost five minutes now.

He winced as Crazy Diamonds hands ghosted over the mottled flesh of his back, sharp pinging following their careful movements as the stand dutifully patched him up.

He was just glad the bed made it easier to sit down with that one.

From what he saw in the bathroom mirror, where those junkies had kicked him in the back had left a bruise that was the size of a basket ball and it was as black and green as Rohans signature hair.

Spots of the same colours along with splotches of an ugly purple were also sprouting on his upper left arm and shoulder. Not to mention the particularly ugly one that was currently taking up residence on his thigh and.... a more unsavory place just slightly north of there.

He had definitely been right about hurting in the morning that's for sure because he practically yelped when rolling over, causing him to fall out of bed and onto the carpeted floor to add to it all.

Staring up into the face of Crazy Diamond looking down at him from where he laid half-whimpering and aching all over was not a way he would recommend starting your day.

The fan of the hotel room spun slowly above him from where he sat on the huge marshmallowy bed in only a towel, his damp pale skin starting to dry and chill beneath the breeze.

"--so-so... lemme get this straight-... you..." Josuke rolled his eyes as Okuyasu struggled to keep his giggles in check over the phone. "You get there..... and-... hehehe.... and- not even like 2 hours.... -and you get beat up?"

"Yes." He sighed.

"BWAHAHAHAHA!!!"

"--oh Josuke!" He wheezed into the receiver, dying down into giggles again. "--I'm so sorry buddy- but that's.... -that's funny.... oww... owww my stomach..."

Josuke grunted, pulling the phone away from his head to avoid going deaf in his right ear as more barking laughter rang out.

He could practically feel Crazy Diamonds own eyeroll as they continued their ministrations on his back.

"Yeah, yeah. I know." He groaned. "Just don't tell Mom, I don't want her to worry about me."

"So what happened after? You must've gotten away somehow right? Did CD put them in their place?" His words were almost drowned out by the obnoxious crinkling of a bag in the background, followed by the unmistakable crunch of potato chips drilling into his eardrum.

"No. I didn't even think about it. It was all happening so fast all I could think of was to grab hold of my suitcase and not let go."

"Oh man, you didn't lose your luggage did you?" Okuyasu questioned after swallowing his mouthful of junkfood very quickly. "Your Mom would have a fit!"

A smile found its way to Josukes face, "No actually. Someone helped me, oh man you should've seen him! He put a run to them and he was really cool too!"

Josuke proceeded to tell Okuyasu all about the one and only Abbacchio and their time together along with meeting Bucciarati.

He spared no details in telling him all about the scrumptious meal he had devoured that night, he could practically hear the other teenager drooling all over the phone as he described the juicy details of prosciutto stuffed chicken breast.

Bruno looked very anxious and warned him it was very dangerous to wander the streets at night, most especially when he was a tourist carrying all his possessions that didn't know where to go.

After Josuke had eaten last night, Bruno asked him if he was staying somewhere and the teenager realized he had completely forgotten about finding a Hotel!

The streets by then were dark and it was late, they had talked for so long but the time had just flew right bye. Jouske had grabbed his bag and thanked the two men graciously for the food and their company, making sure he bowed deeply in respect as he done so, about to head out to find one before he was stopped.

More importantly, he wouldn't even be able to read any signs leading to a Hotel.

Josuke realized he had gotten ahead of himself and accepted the mans proposal to take him to the Hotel a few blocks away, which he did and Josuke had to say, the place was like paradise on Earth.

The building itself was huge! Not to mention high-class. The lobby had a chandelier that was the size of his Livingroom back home! And the fountain in the center of it was bigger than the one outside his School!

Bruno chuckled seeing the owlish expression on his face as they entered through the glass sliding doors, the reflection of the golden lights above them on the polished white marble floor made his baby blue eyes sparkle. Abbacchio simply opted for staying outside and smoking a much needed cigarette while his partner helped Josuke arrange a room.

"Oh man!" Okuyasu said through another mouthful of chips. "That sounds A-B-C-Delicious! I wanna eat that!"

"You'll have to bug Tonio about it if you're that eager." Josuke laughed. "Speaking of food, you've eaten a full meal today right?"

The crunching came to a sudden stop.

"Define--"

"As in you've eaten something cooked and not just junkfood." He interrupted, drumming his fingers on his knee, he already knew his answer however.

Silence... he could actually hear the sounds of Stray Cat (whom both boys had taken to aptly nicknaming 'Guns and Roses') purring along with the feint sound of the TV playing in the background.

"Okuyasu!"

"Sorry! I'll eat real food tomorrow!" He whined. "I just forgot is all!"

"I've actually just been binge watching this goofy tv series. I've heard about it for a while but I finally decided to get into it. Man, I'm gonna be so sore tomorrow, I've been sitting on my ass for so long!" He cackled.

Josuke huffed, however deciding to not press him further on the matter and take his word.

Okuyasu needed to take better care of himself and Josuke usually had to remind him of the importance of it, along with helping his friend pilot through all his emotional troubles.

"It's this Anime thing called 'Dodo's Wacky Quest'. It's pretty good!" There was a pause as a indignant 'meow' sounded close to the phone, followed by more rustling of the chip bag. Okuyasu grunted, the phone crackling  as he moved to hand the living plant a chip. "The series is pretty long though. But hopefully I'll have most of it done by the time you get back."

'Speak for yourself...' Josuke thought, shifting slightly on the bed to try and inevitably get more comfortable.

Crazy Diamond was almost finished with his back, the worst one was next.

"What series is it?" He couldn't help but ask.

"Huh," Josuke rubbed his chin, smiling. "I'll have to watch some of it with you."

"That'd be cool! Dodo kinda reminds me of you actually. I dunno if I've met any Jio in my life though, dude gives me the willies..."

Crazy Diamond leaned over him and tapped his leg, shooting him a look.

"I'd better go man. I'll try to talk to you tomorrow, remember your promise!" He said into the phone, turning away from his stand.

"Ok. Ok. I will. Jeeze..." the eyeroll he was getting was evident in the others voice. "Be safe JoJo!"

"I will. Bye."

He put the phone back in its cradle on the bedside stand and sighed, swatting away the phantom hands that pulled on the towel covering him and ignoring the exasperated 'Dora' as he shunted it aside himself.

'Lay on your stomach.' Came the telepathic order from Crazy Diamond. 'I can give you a massage after I'm done with the last bruise to help relax you further.'

He was just glad he didn't decide to tell Okuyasu about his last bruise, otherwise he would've probably passed out from laughter, resulting in Josuke to have to end the call promptly.

He'd never be able to live this down from his stand alone....

☆☆☆

There was so much he wanted to do, and so much he wanted to see. He decided to leave his suitcase behind within the safety of his room (not wanting a repeat of yesterday) carrying just his wallet, a disposable camera his Mom had given him to take pictures and his handy dandy comb of course.

Finally walking again and not shuffling along uncomfortably like an old man (as he had been doing earlier), Josuke strutted downstairs to the lobby without a hair out of place.

His precious mane had been properly lathered, rinsed, gelled, combed and hairsprayed and he was ready to tackle the day!

The golden charms adorning his uniform gleamed like his eyes and he walked with pep in his step, shoes shined and clicking on the polished marble floor.

He needed to tackle business first before he went about to getting some breakfast. He had already had a cup of strong instant coffee after the massage given to him by his stand, using the machine inside of his room (this Hotel really had everything).

"Hello." He greeted the lady at the desk in the lobby, a woman in her sixties with greying hair pulled back into a bun, maroon lipstick and matchig rectangular spectacles. "I was just wondering if I could pay for my nightly stay now and maybe pay for tomorrow too?"

"Can I have your name, dear?" She asked, already typing away on the keyboard of the large white box computer before her.

"Josuke Higashikata. J-O-S-U-K-E."

Her long black nails clicked and clacked away loudly on the keyboard, he watched in silence as her dark red lips pursed, her eyes scanning the screen.

"It says here you're already covered for your full stay."

'Embarrassing' wouldn't be a word he would use to describe a situation where he had to call his Nephew and demurely ask if he could get a lift home like a drunk teenager calling a half-alseep Parent in the middle of the night.

He blinked at her, raising both his eyebrows.

"Umm... I don't think that's right. I only booked the room last night..." he trailed off, feeling his heart starting to pound in his chest.

He prayed to God this somehow wouldn't end with him being in debt with no way home.

She hummed, "It says you're fully covered. You just need to inform the Hotel of the date you're departing and a direct deposit is already in order." She explained.

That answered absolutely none of his questions.

"How is that possible?" He asked, doing his best to keep his voice calm as he rubbed the back of his neck idly.

More typing and clicking.

"It says here that your stay has been covered by..... a Mr. Bruno Bucciarati. He arranged for the bill to be footed to him." Came her reply at last, turning in her chair to look at him.

It took the Highschooler a moment to process that, blinking like an idiot as she stared at him.

What.... when.... how did..... why did....?

"Oh.... uh.... I-I see. Thank you." He told the older woman at last, with a half-hearted wave goodbye as he left the lobby, out into the world of golden sunshine awaiting him outside.

Each question seemed to short-circuit in his brain, he couldn't decide on what to ask first.

Josuke finally realized he was lingering and staring as the old woman addressed him again, before averting his eyes, his face tinging a little pink.

Why on Earth would the man put himself through so much trouble? Paying out of his pocket for him at a Hotel where people who looked like they wiped their asses with dollar bills stayed there no less! It didn't make sense!

This Hotel seemed a little one the pricy side, he had actually been wary about staying here the night but didn't want to be rude and ask Bucciarati to take him to another Hotel, so he decided to risk it and see how much it was the next day (silently praying he wouldn't be dialing Jotaro Kujo afterwards with a speech prepared of course).

This however changed everything.

He was still a virtual stranger to Bruno and his partner, and he didn't feel like he had earned such a kind gesture. He didn't have a doubt in his mind that both men were wealthy but this just felt akin to stealing in Josukes eyes.

It was the least he could do. It's what he wanted to do. It's what he was raised to do.

Josuke leaned up against the stone wall of the Hotel, considering his options. He could tell the Hotel that wasn't necessary and to cancel that previous order and allow him to pay.

Or he could find Bucciarati again (it couldn't be that hard) and offer to pay him back, if not in money maybe he could do something in return for him.

That did it.

He took one last look at the Hotel to remember the name as he prepared to cross the street (he needed something to go off of if he was gonna find a way back afterall).

He had a new mission added onto today.

He was going to do some sight seeing, eat some more damn delicious food and keep his eyes open for either one of the men he dined with last night.

"Albergo brillante Diamante..." he murmured, absentmindedly scratching his cheek as he did his best to pronounce the words (in what he hoped was the correct manor).

"Hmm... wonder what that means."

All he truly knew was that he Josuke Higashikata, had a mission he was going to see through today.

...

He mentally added 'buying a dictionary' to his list today as he narrowly avoided a car coming in the street, yelling out a "Sorry!" To the driver laying on his horn (who wasn't supposed to have the right away).

[To be coninued... 》

[f4liveblogarchives]

Fantastic Four Vol 1 #187, #188, & #189

Thur Aug 22 2019 [02:04 PM] Bocaj: 187 issues later, still fantastic but not necessarily still four [02:05 PM] Wack'd: Eh, they're still pretty Fourish [02:05 PM] Wack'd: Unless you count Franklin I guess [02:05 PM] Wack'd: Sure, Thundra, Greer, and Impy have been around a lot lately, but Greer insists she's not part of the team and Thundra and Impy don't really play well with others [02:06 PM] maxwellelvis: Also, Impossible Man's been KO'd by an unseen assailant. [02:06 PM] Wack'd: Also true [02:07 PM] Wack'd: Anyway, on the plane ride back from New Salem, the team recaps a little [02:07 PM] Wack'd: Agatha left that place in the hopes that others have her kind would be encouraged to join her, and she blames herself for raising Nicholas badly [02:07 PM] Wack'd: These are, again, the kind of details it might've been nice to have during the actual story so we could wring something out of them [02:08 PM] Bocaj: "Thundra and Impy don't really play well with others" I posit that Johnny and Ben historically haven't always played well with others [02:09 PM] Bocaj: Sometimes a family is that cat woman stray you adopted, the woman from an alternate universe where men are considered the weaker gender until you slammed her universe into another, and that annoying alien [02:09 PM] Bocaj: We'll call him the 'urkel' type [02:09 PM] Wack'd: Let me rephrase that to "are openly contemptuous of others and seem hesitant to do even the bare minimum to lend aid" [02:09 PM] maxwellelvis: Yeah, but in a different way from Impossible Man, who literally nobody except other Popuppians can stand to be around. [02:09 PM] Bocaj: Ok well thats different [02:10 PM] Wack'd: The Four discover Impy, knocked out but apparently unharmed. Sue worries that whoever did this might still be in the Baxter [02:11 PM] Wack'd: We can also add to George Pérez to the long list of comics artists who are bad at drawing children but very good at drawing tiny adults

[02:12 PM] Bocaj: George Pérez can draw a lot of things, in terms of range and also in terms of numerical things on a page but children are black magic that eludes him [02:13 PM] Aleph Null: i relate because children are also black magic that eludes me [02:13 PM] Wack'd: So Johnny flies outside to look in all the windows while Ben decides to go floor by floor. Reed is out out because they made a plan without him and Sue has to heal his fragile ego [02:13 PM] Wack'd: “Without my stretching powers, I'm not really good enough to be anything more than a nursemaid!” [02:13 PM] Bocaj: fuck off reed [02:14 PM] Aleph Null: can we retitle the blog to “fuck off reed” [02:14 PM] Wack'd: This is a nice moment

[02:15 PM] Wack'd: Honestly I like how forgiving everyone is being of Agatha. Not that anyone on this team has room to throw stones [02:16 PM] Wack'd: Oh my god Johnny is also like "man, running off on my own like I always do probably hurt Reed's feelings" [02:16 PM] Wack'd: Anyway Ben runs into KLAW! [02:17 PM] Bocaj: Ulysses Klaue Klaw? [02:17 PM] Wack'd: Whose shtick at this point is still being made of sound and also being able to fire sound monsters at people [02:17 PM] Wack'd: And not, you know, having a claw [02:17 PM] maxwellelvis: His artificial hand is his claw. [02:19 PM] Wack'd: Oh hey it's this guy

[02:19 PM] Bocaj: oh thats a bad look [02:20 PM] maxwellelvis: Actually that's not that guy. That's a different guy. [02:20 PM] Wack'd: Back in #20 he got the ability to alter non-organic matter because he was exposed to an atomic incident [02:20 PM] Wack'd: Since then he's had a couple of appearances in the 70s, one in Two in One and one in Iron Man [02:20 PM] Bocaj: The guy I knew as Molecule Man is a multiversal bomb [02:21 PM] maxwellelvis: Wait, I saw that guy shrivel up and disintegrate when separated from his wand for too long. [02:22 PM] Wack'd: Yes [02:22 PM] Wack'd: This got undone in the Iron Man appearance I mentioned [02:22 PM] maxwellelvis: oh [02:22 PM] Wack'd: Where he also gained the ability to possess people [02:23 PM] Bocaj: There was a shitty Avengers Assemble episode about Son of Molecule Man [02:23 PM] Bocaj: It had a stylistic flashback to EMH [02:23 PM] Wack'd: Given how fucking often these books are like "oh, they killed him, he's gone for real" and then in a completely different book he comes back to life and then he returns to his original book with a long winded explanation... [02:23 PM] Wack'd: I'm not sure why you would've assumed that he was actually dead [02:24 PM] maxwellelvis: Because this time he left behind a body. [02:24 PM] Wack'd: That doesn't mean anything! [02:24 PM] maxwellelvis: Well, a pile of dust in a ragged old Molecule Man costume. [02:24 PM] Wack'd: At the end of his first appearance the Watcher aged him into oblivion [02:26 PM] Wack'd: Agatha filling the role of "lady who tells Reed to suck it the fuck up" now that Medusa's gone

[02:28 PM] Wack'd: Anyway Ben gets turned into glass, Johnny is drowned in midair, Sue is...uh...

[02:28 PM] Wack'd: Sure, that's how that works [02:29 PM] Wack'd: And Reed tries to fire on the two but his gun is turned to helium and he's knocked out [02:30 PM] Wack'd: Okay so uh [02:31 PM] Wack'd: In the aftermath of that Iron Man I mentioned, Klaw found Owen's wand, with Owen's mind trapped inside, and gave it to a guy he met on the street so Owen would possess that guy [02:31 PM] Wack'd: The narrative notes that the guy was a boxer so I should probably also note that the guy was a boxer in case it becomes relevant [02:33 PM] Wack'd: So! The Four are incapacitated! Who cam save them now! [02:33 PM] Wack'd: Why, Impossible Man, of course. Not because he cares about the team, but because he's angry that someone defeated him in combat [02:34 PM] Wack'd: Impy can shapeshift so Molecule Man can't really do much to him [02:34 PM] Wack'd: And Impy removes his ears and makes himself into a non-sound-conductive material so he's immune to Klaw [02:34 PM] Wack'd: And then he kicks their asses [02:35 PM] Wack'd: Owen had been planning on using Reed's psi-amplifier (from that time Ben and Hulk switched brains) to make it so he could keep his ass in this body forever [02:35 PM] Wack'd: But Reed manages to cut the cord mid-process, sapping Owen back into his wand [02:36 PM] Wack'd: And undoing all the damage he caused [02:36 PM] Wack'd: AND THEN REED PICKS UP THE WAND WITH HIS BARE HANDS, LIKE AN IDIOT [02:37 PM] Wack'd: W E L P

[02:38 PM] Bocaj: Basically Lunella becoming Smartest was long overdue because Reed is dumb [02:38 PM] Bocaj: Someone needed to explicitly be smarter than him or else it would be very sad [02:39 PM] Wack'd: Don't think it's escaped my attention that this is our second evil Reed storyline in which Reed isn't actually evil [02:39 PM] Bocaj: Hm [02:40 PM] Bocaj: At least it’s not an evil Sue storyline [02:40 PM] Bocaj: Those are bad in many many ways [02:40 PM] Wack'd: If Gerry Conway's read on the Reed/Sue divorce arc was "if they're going to split up it should be because Reed does something truly ghastly", it seems like Wein's was "people seem to really want to make Reed a jerk, so how do I do that without altering the fact that he's genuinely a nice person" [02:42 PM] Wack'd: I loathed Conway's take, but Wein's is even worse because it denies the idea that Reed has anything to be culpable for. It seems like people have been shilling him constantly recently--Sue noticing Counter-Reed is unaffectionate to spot the ruse, Ben assuming Counter-Reed is obsessively watching the Negative Zone because he wants to save his counterpart, Counter-Reed immediately becoming a selfless paragon when his headache wears off [02:43 PM] Wack'd: And this issue, too, with everyone but Agatha assuming Reed is entitled to authority and feeling bad for hurting his feelings by doing their own things [02:44 PM] Wack'd: Maybe I'm being uncharitable because he's the cripple-the-b**** guy, but it does really seem like he sees nothing wrong with Reed's normal pattern of behavior and is mildly baffled anyone would. Which would fit well with his aesthetic of overwhelming nostalgia [02:45 PM] Wack'd: Anyway

Thur Aug 22 2019 [02:46 PM] Wack'd: So Reed's brain is trapped in Owen's wand now [02:47 PM] Wack'd: Ben destroys the Psi-Amplifier so Owen can't take over Reed's body permanently [02:47 PM] Wack'd: Owen, in retaliation, traps Sue, Johnny, Ben and Impy in an adimantium cube [02:48 PM] Wack'd: While he goes to blow off some adimantium rage [02:48 PM] maxwellelvis: Spider-Man and Venom ~ Maximum Carnage (Genesis) - Main Theme [02:49 PM] Wack'd: Johnny uses his heat to expand the air in the box, forcing it open, but it takes basically everything he's got [02:49 PM] Wack'd: You would think everybody in that box would die a million times of heat stroke but I guess not [02:50 PM] maxwellelvis: I was about to question the presence of Adamantium in an FF story, then I remembered that A. it's past 1975 now so Wolverine is a thing, and B. Len Wein is one of Wolverine's co-creators. [02:50 PM] maxwellelvis: And I think he first coined "Adamantium" to describe what his claws are made of. [02:51 PM] Wack'd: Watcher has gone from a white Grey to a fat bald guy to a Tor Johnson character

[02:53 PM] Wack'd: Watcher is still not talking, which Ben takes as a sign of apathy [02:53 PM] Wack'd: "Why don't you go to sell tickets to a funeral," he asks [02:54 PM] Wack'd: Ah yes, my favorite Tom Hanks movie

[02:55 PM] maxwellelvis: "You should make'em bugs!" [02:58 PM] Wack'd: Credit where it's due, I think this is genuinely the coolest monster design we've had in a while! You can see some remnants of the Kirby aping that still, in 1977, has not worn off, but it feels novel applied to brick and mortar, and I love the arrangements of the windows and the way the structures on the roof jut out of it's shoulders

[02:59 PM] Wack'd: Reed agrees to stop resisting, and the building returns to normal [02:59 PM] Wack'd: And then his friends show up and Reed starts resisting again [03:00 PM] Wack'd: Thanks to that resistance, Owen can't do anything to our heroes directly, and has to settle for transforming their surroundings [03:00 PM] Wack'd: This would be a lot simpler if they just kept the "no organic matter" limit from his first appearance [03:01 PM] maxwellelvis: Blame Steve Gerber, I guess. [03:01 PM] Wack'd: Impy tries to hit Owen with a giant mallet but Sue stops him because she doesn't want to hurt Reed [03:02 PM] Wack'd: Impy takes it well

[03:05 PM] Wack'd: Unfortunately, Reed's body gets knocked out anyway [03:06 PM] Wack'd: But while this renders the Reed inside of Owen's wand unconscious, it sends Owen into spasms of pain [03:06 PM] Wack'd: Causing him to release his grip on the wand, dropping it into a nearby factory furnace [03:07 PM] Wack'd: And so normalcy is restored--OR IS IT?! [03:07 PM] Wack'd: Reed's decided to resign from the Four [03:07 PM] Wack'd: And Sue's going to join him because "I already deserted my husband once, I'm not going to do it again" [03:07 PM] Wack'd: *sigh* [03:08 PM] Bocaj: 😐

Thur Aug 22 2019 [03:10 PM] Wack'd: FANTASTIC FOUR VOL 1 #189 [03:10 PM] Wack'd: Is a reprint of Annual ’66 [03:10 PM] Wack'd: Moving on [03:10 PM] Wack'd: As if there weren't enough reasons to hate Wein, it certainly seems like a lot of issues get delayed while he's around [03:11 PM] Wack'd: This is the second in less than ten issues [03:11 PM] maxwellelvis: That might explain why Chris Claremont took over Uncanny X-Men almost immediately after Wein revived it

[tessatechaitea]

Young Heroes in Love #8

Who wouldn't buy a comic book that declares, "Sex...and the Scarecrow!"

Before I move on to a new box of old comic books and a special side comic book project which I'll alternate with other titles, I have this last misfit comic book from the stack. It's a misfit because I purchased it after reading the seven issues I already owned. I was planning on maybe finishing the entire run but then I realized to do that, I'd have to spend more money. And I was tired of spending money on comic books. They really haven't been worth the cover price since sometime in the early nineties. I almost didn't do a "review" of this issue because it doesn't fit the scope of my "project." But then I also thought, "What the fuck else am I going to do?!" Can't argue with that logic! Or can I? Because after I finished that paragraph, I wandered away from the computer to try to hook up my Xbox 360 headset (the best headset I've ever used) to my Xbox One and failed. Then I remembered I needed to write my review of We Learn Nothing by Tim Kreider. Then I also did a poo. And I rebuilt my cat Gravy's castle after she destroyed it chasing a moth. So there's actually a lot of other things I can do! Like maybe I'm going to go for a walk right now! Be right back! I'm back! I also ate breakfast and watched the episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation where we're introduce to Jean-Luc McBorg. This issue begins with The Scarecrow murdering two guys he does not have sex with. To say I'm disappointed would be redundant because I'm always disappointed by everything. Is there an efficient way to get total amnesia so I can experience every thing for the first time again? Maybe I should have waited until my forties to do all that LSD. At least the scene after The Scarecrow's prudish murders starts to get titillating.

The next line, I'm guessing: "Oh no! I'm picking up the phone and my pants just fell down!"

Oh, it turns out The Scarecrow didn't kill those guys. He was just messing with them. It also turns out that nobody gets a phone shoved up their butt. So many fucking disappointments at every turn! What else is fucking new?! The team sit around headquarters for half the comic book talking about fucking Bonfire and working for the government. I mean, some of them talk about fucking Bonfire and some of the other ones talk about working for the government. They weren't all boning Bonfire and most of them probably don't want to work for the government. I probably should lump them all into one pronoun, ignoring the fact that they're all individuals with different goals and beliefs and ways to fuck Bonfire. Bonfire, of course, knows the sexiest way to fuck Bonfire. I'm not imagining it now nor am I realizing some things in life don't disappoint. Although I, myself, am probably a huge disappointment to my parents, writing online how I'm sexually attracted to fictional characters. Maybe if my dad read this, he'd be relieved that I'm expressing attraction to a female fictional character. But then he hasn't yet gotten to the paragraph where I go on about how I'd like to get my tongue stuck to Frostbite's butthole. Halfway through the comic book, the Young Heroes in Love (their official super hero group name, I think?) encounter The Scarecrow.

The way The Scarecrow is holding that fear gas canister is something I can't comment on because I just learned I have young readers.

Imagine me thinking, for years, that I only had adult readers! What fucking adult would be entertained by this bullshit?! Every single one of the Young Heroes (in Love!) collapses in fear. That's me reading a few pages of a bunch of them experiencing nightmares, shrugging my shoulders, and saying out loud to the cat, "That was probably all of them! Not one of them wasn't affected! I suppose I could double check to see which one might have held their breath but why bother? I'm sure that was all of them. It was definitely a lot of them. Look, cat. See that one? That's Bonfire and that's almost her butthole. What a skimpy costume, right?!"

Oh yeah. That's the one I forgot about. The leader, What's-His-Name.

Some of you are thinking, "How could you forget the most important character? You know, the muscular blonde white heterosexual guy?" Or some of you would be thinking that if I hadn't alienated you years ago with my total soy boy cuck ethos. Weird that that's what it's called nowadays. I remember when it used to be described as compassionate, thoughtful, and inclusive. But what do I care? I'm not the gigantic asshole (which is what you abrasive, selfish dickholes were called then and what you're called now and what you will be called forevermore). The issue ends with another member of the team trying to fuck Bonfire. This time it's Icicle or whatever his name is. They kiss and nothing blows up or melts (at least nothing that can be shown in an unrated comic book). Young Heroes in Love #8 Rating: B+. I really love the art. And that's saying something because I normally ignore the art. My criticism isn't art criticism. It's word criticism. I criticize words. And the words in this issue were all the correct words in all the correct places. So thumbs up, I guess?

[youarejesting]

BTS 365

[Masterlist] Please tag me in your work if you use my prompts. I want to see your work. Ever your Jester.

Tell me your birthday and I will tag you on your special day!

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          March 11th - 17th

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Kim Seokjin: Psycho

Through the one way glass, you could see the man who had killed your parents, but it was just marked as an overdose. You knew however they didn’t take drugs or any medication. The man fell asleep, and you slammed your hand on a button ‘cotton eyed joe’ began playing loudly. The man looked broken, and he sobbed as you unleashed a box of mosquitos in the room.

“Okay, I admit it,” the man screamed, you paused the music. You are a master at interrogation and your skills had put many people in the hospital, you never laid a finger on them, but you could get the truth from anyone. “I did it, I poisoned them okay, please let me go I can’t take this. He took my job and then no one would hire me so my wife left me, They deserved it”

“How long has he been in there?” Seokjin asked.

“Six days,” You sighed he looked at you horrified “Don’t worry you can stay awake for eleven days and we fed him too before you ask three meals a day of this”

“What am I looking at?” He asked peering into a container of something he couldn’t identify but could be described as banana spaghetti.

“You know the strings on a banana, yeah…. That’s them”

“Your psychotic”

Min Yoongi: Pie

“He is a genius, doesn’t really socialise with others, but you will share the same office, try not to get in his way he doesn’t like anyone who touches his things”

“Understood,” you said gazing at his side of the office specifically the whiteboard you were reading the equation and sitting there thoughtfully. Something wasn’t right but you couldn’t figure out what. 

You sat at your desk working and staring at it, days past and you couldn’t take it anymore. Clearing your whiteboard you took his beginning equation and expanded it the same way furiously filling it out. The door swung open. 

“Who are you and why are you writing out my equation?” He said crossing his arms standing to the side watching you this cute spectacled woman biting her lip in concentration as she wrote. 

“I’m pie and because it’s wrong, and I am trying to fix it,” she said, her voice was sweet and yet the delivery was bitter. Like the equation had wronged her. “I have been staring at it for three days now… AHA! That’s it.”

“Holy hell you did it, you think you're pissed from three days, I have been staring at it for seven weeks now”

Jung Hoseok: Jewel

“Sir you have a visitor” Hoseok nodded at the man and he gestured someone inside. They had soft hair sparkling eyes, lips pressed together in a thin line of worry and hands shaking. Sitting up straighter he fixed his tie and swallowed down his whiskey. 

“Good evening, what is someone like yourself doing seeking such shady company,” he raised an eyebrow. 

“I well, it’s my father he is one of your men he is sick and in need of surgery,” few tears escaped and their tiny hands covered their face wiping them away. “I’m sorry I am so nervous, I have never asked anything like this before”

He took her hand in his and sat them on the couch beside him, “How can I help?”

“I can pay it back, I swear I will do anything, I can even work for you just he needs this surgery”

“I will have Taeil find the best surgeon and I will pay for it, but it comes at a price my jewel”

“Anything?”

“Marry me”

Kim Namjoon: Wrong

Namjoon was late and was needed on set in five minutes he had to get changed wishing he hadn’t drunk so many bottles of water during hair and makeup. He didn’t expect the closest working bathroom to be so far away. He saw his outfit in its plastic slip out the front of the boys dressing room he grabbed it and went inside freezing when he saw a sleeping young man on the couch. 

He was in the wrong room but he had no time getting changed as quickly as he could. His eyes locked on the figure hoping they wouldn’t wake. He was a sweet-looking young man he had beautiful individual features peach full lips a soft nose cat-like eyes that turned up at the ends with a hint of mischief, thick dark lashes. However together his face looked a little odd and endearing. He ran to set making it just in time for their appearance on the show a chair beside him empty. A figure staggered in and yawn. 

“I am so sorry, I had a wardrobe malfunction” the young man sat down and the hosts called him out for sleeping and he blushed. 

Park Jimin: Right

Jimin sat up from his pod, it was another day. He dressed in a grey jumpsuit that everyone wore. Walking through the corridor he sat in the mess hall and ate wholemeal paste. No one spoke unless it was about work or errands. 

“Jimin could you take these units to doctor y/n they are expecting the delivery before this evening”

Jimin nodded picking up the box of vials, the medicine which stunted their emotions. He didn’t understand, but he was feeling things more these days and was scared for a higher dose. Stepping into the room he saw you dancing to some music swaying as you worked and smiling the look was strange to Jimin he had never seen a smile not like that at least and not outside of books. 

“Hey your Jimin right, let me help you with those” hands brushed his, and he felt his heart thump hard in his chest it shook him. His breathing sped up and his pupils dilated. He was feeling things, it’s okay everyone was getting shots tonight before dinner. 

He watched as you loaded a vial into a syringe and shoot it down the sink and repeated it a second time, before signing the paper and turning to him. “Sign here to bear witness to my injection and here to agree you recurved yours” he looked horrified. “You will find it is better to feel things Jimin”

His name sounded so beautiful, so right, and he signed it. 

Kim Taehyung: Nude @wanderlustandlavenderwaves

“Welcome back today we have a special guest that I want you to draw, as you know we have been focusing on weight distribution, body lines and all things to do with movement today we have a model please be respectful,” the teacher said and out came a tall and downright gorgeous model. Taehyung smiled watching them move elegantly across the room to stand in the middle wearing a fluffy robe. 

You introduced yourself, your name different from what he was used to. His mouth went dry. Your robe was slipped off your shoulders and taken away by the teacher. You were naked in all your glory, the lines of your body so smooth. The curve of your back and the slenderness of your neck was pretty in Taehyung's opinion. 

He began drawing tracing each piece and his brow and palms began to sweat when he drew more intimate areas of your body. He was a mess. 

Jeon Jungkook: Awkward

Jungkook was so awkward with others he didn’t know what to say and when he saw someone he liked he passed them by and avoid all eye contact. He was on a game show and he was with a few idols. And that’s where he met you, you looked so cool. With a beautiful androgynous image, you took his breath away; you had short hair and a suit that made you look charming. 

You were referred to by they/them and no one in the world knew your real gender and you liked to keep it that way. It wasn’t their business whether you are female or male. You spoke so passionately about music and dance and fans; he was lost in your presence. “Is there anyone here you would marry in the future?” The host asked.

“Every one of you would make good wives and husbands, if I were to pick based on their music alone a wife, perhaps Yuta from NCT or maybe even SNSD’s Sunny both very cute and feisty. If I was to choose a husband mm… Hyuna or T.O.P but if we are going from personalities in real life my wife/husband would definitely be Jungkook, he is shy and cute but also very handsome and traditional. Jungkook-ah let's get married?”

Everyone laughed in the studio and he was blushing, but in a stroke of confidence he teased back “okay when?” 

Next Week