#also care for ppl for the sake of caring. not for gain

[mejomonster]

Cheng yi thank u again for your performance in Love and Redemption, Sifeng is going through his jesus arc in the rewatch and i am desperate for when u get the next role this intense

[feyascorner]

until I come back alive

summary. in which you come back injured from a particularly unlucky battle, and Astarion realizes his feigned affections for you are not feigned at all.

warnings. angst, fluff, Astarion being bad at feelings

pairing. Astarion x GN!reader

a/n. this is super long omg ALSO TYSM for the love on my previous fic! It was my first post so I didn’t realize more than like two ppl would see it!! Kind of scary but also I can write more astarion so oh well 🙏

“The way they look at you is different from the way they look at us.”

Astarion raises a brow at this, glancing at Karlach who adjusts a log in the campfire paying no heed to the flickering flames brushing against her skin. She smiles to herself, genuinely, and he questions if she’s finally gone mad.

“So have you said the big ‘L’ word yet?” she asks excitedly, turning to him with a big grin. He shifts away from her, the increasing heat radiating off her body but she doesn’t seem to care, too busy staring at him expectantly.

“The what?”

“You know! The ‘L’ word,” she says the last part in a hushed whisper, as if it’d be a sin for anyone else to hear. Occasionally it baffles him how childish she can be, though he’d never voice these concerns out loud considering she could snap his poor body in half if she really wanted.

He also knows that she’s more emotionally capable in how she approaches these relationships (though one could argue it’s just innocence)—in ways he’s lost over the past 200 years. Though, he makes an effort to shove these thoughts to the deepest corners of his brain for the sake of his own sanity.

“If you’re speaking of ‘love,’” He emphasizes it with a strange accent. “No. I have not. Nor have they.”

She appears puzzled. “Why not?”

He sighs irritably, bringing a hand to adjust the cuffs on his hand. “Must everything be put bluntly? So glaringly obvious?”

“You love each other, don’t you?”

At this, he falters, just the slightest before plastering his usual grin that doesn’t reach his eyes. “Love is a wide spectrum, dear. Tav and I are whatever they want us to be.”

A late night partner would be the most positive thing he could refer you to. A fling, an amusement, or whatever words people described the arrangement between the two of you as, he didn’t care for it. He’d given himself to you, and you to him—-physically, at least, and you’d seem more than content with it. In return, he received protection, which was a sufficient payment in return for his hushed words of affection and kisses. A fair trade, he deemed.

Sure, he could’ve chosen anyone else in the camp. But he’d seen the way your eyes lit up at the sight of him, surely dazed at his flirtatious tendencies. You’d been an easy target. A survival tool.

And yes, maybe he’d played with your innocent feelings, but could you really blame him? He’d given you the nights of your life, for something so simple in return. It was a transaction.

Karlach waves a dismissive hand which brings him back to the present, propping herself on her arm behind her. “Life’s too short for that bullshit. Either you love someone or you don’t.”

“Fortunately for me, I have all of eternity,” he snorts. “Unless I were to suddenly lose the unwanted visitor inside my head and step into the sunlight, I’ll be here to watch the world fall and rise a dozen times over I’m afraid.”

“But they don’t,” Karlach frowns. “Tav doesn’t have eternity.”

He ignores the way his jaw clenches. He’s afraid, he thinks, of losing the freedom he’s just gained.

“Did you call me?”

Both the vampire and tiefling turn to your voice, where you stand blankly with an armful of logs clutched to your waist. Karlach opens her mouth to respond, but Astarion is faster.

“Nothing, darling. Just answering a few curious questions from Karlach here.”

“Oh,” you blink at him, shrugging before setting the logs beside the fireplace. “Well, Gale, Shadowheart, and I are going to the village across the forest tomorrow morning to check on the goblins appearing there recently. Won’t be back till noon so don’t wait up.”

“Don’t worry,” Karlach laughs. “I’ll keep the camp in order while you’re gone. If Astarion tries to bite Lae’zel, though, his fate’s inevitable.”

He rolls his eyes, opting to stand from his spot and take your hand. “Come along, darling. Any longer near this damned fireplace and my skin may melt.”

You nod with a smile, waving at Karlach before you follow him into his tent without a word of protest.

Easy, he thinks. Too easy.

He soon finds himself staring up at you from his place, laying his head on your lap as you read through a few scrolls you found throughout the day. He clicks his tongue and you look down, offering that sickeningly sweet smile again. “What’s wrong?”

“You have the most handsome person in this camp on your bloody lap and you want to read?”

You snicker at this, setting the scroll down beside you. “What do you suggest I do? Worship the very eyelashes on your face?”

“My body deserves much more praise than just the eyelashes.”

“Hm…” you pretend to be in thought. “That mole on your face is very obvious too.”

He gasps, immediately shooting upward as he grabs at his own face. “Tell me you’re lying.”

Your laughter rings throughout the tent, airy as you pull his hand away from his face. “I’m kidding, mostly.”

He stares at you as you recollect yourself, finding himself gazing at you far longer than he’d like to admit. Quickly, he adjusts, fiddling with the hand mirror he always keeps under his pillow as he watches you through it. “Karlach spoke of something ridiculous today. She said you were in love with me.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really,” he rolls his eyes. “That woman lives in a fairy tale I tell you. How she went through 10 years in Avernus is beyond me.”

There’s slight hesitance in your voice, and if he’d not learned your body language early on in your arrangement, he wouldn’t have even noticed it. “Astarion, have you ever been in love?”

He pauses at this, meeting your eyes head on now. There’s a heavier thickness in the air between the short distance between the two of you, and he immediately gauges what you want him to say. A lie readies itself at the tip of his tongue, his gaze searching yours for whatever fantasy that lives behind them.

Instead, your expression is blank. He finds nothing.

“No.” He’s not sure why he responded honestly, but it’s too late to take it back. “Have you?”

You look to the side. “I’m not sure anymore.”

“Anymore?” He shifts his head when you turn your chin further away, avoiding confrontation. “Has someone captured your impenetrable heart as of late? How intriguing—do tell.”

His teasing tone drops when you don’t smile at his usual antics. He’s not stupid—far from it. He knows you’ve begun to fall for him. It’s an obvious result from the 200 years of instinctive flirting he has tucked away in what remains of his soul, and it’s what he intended. What he needed.

The more enraptured you are, the longer he has protection.

He gently tilts your chin toward him, his fang visible through the grin that stretches across his face. “Tell me, pet, do you love me?”

Your eyes drop to his lips. “Do you want me to?”

A bunny caught in the fangs of a fox. It would be so easy to indulge—to go as far as to make you nothing but a puppet he toys with for his own personal gains. He can sense the way your finger twitches, itching to lace them with his own, and the crueler side of him forces his hand to stay put.

He wordlessly leans toward you, his lips grazing against the side of your neck. You shiver at the touch and he smiles wickedly to himself, drinking in the gasp that escapes you when he tilts your neck to the other side, where he usually drinks.

He doesn’t even have to ask. “Just—be gentle. Please.”

“Of course.” He unhinges his jaw, ready to plunge the knives of his teeth into where the sweet liquid gold rushes to your face, his shoulders finally relaxing when—

“I love you,” you whisper under your breath.

He stops.

Though unsure why, he freezes. Completely and utterly freezes.

“Astarion?���

He pulls away slowly, staring at you for a long moment before offering another smile that doesn’t reach his eyes.

“You look exhausted, my dear. I think that’s enough for tonight.”

“But you didn’t even feed?”

“I can handle myself, darling, as much as I appreciate your worries,” he stands and holds the flap of the tent open, practically a silent demand for you to leave.

He should be ecstatic. Gleaming with joy from being offered a drop of your blood, but instead, he feels knots forming in his stomach. And the longer he watches you, the worst they seem the get.

Hurt flashes across your face and he ignores the sudden tightness in his chest.

“Okay, well,” you say, stepping out hesitantly. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, my dear.”

And as he lies wide awake in the middle of the night with nothing to accompany him but his own thoughts, he finds that all of them are overruled by his endless need for warmth. Not just anyone’s but the one he’s become accustomed to the past few months. No matter how much he curls up in his bedroll, all he can feel is the chill of his own body.

And he hates it more than he expected.

——

By the time he awakens, you’re long gone.

He’s rather productive. Taking walks, gathering supplies, catching up on his reading, he refuses to sit and lie around as the others await for you and your companions to return from the goblin village.

He even entertains sitting through one of Karlach’s dances, which somehow ends up being more entertaining than he’d imagined. While she didn’t fall flat on her face (which he admittedly looked forward to), it burnt through time regardless.

The peace is broken when he hears footsteps rushing toward the camp. He’s memorized everyone’s intervals when sprinting or pacing, so he’s quick to identify Gale and Shadowheart. He listens keenly for your own footsteps.

There are no third pair of footsteps at all.

Shadowheart stumbles into the camp, in a panic compared to her usual self, as she points toward a spot on the ground and snaps at Gale to put something down.

He only sees when she moves out of the way that this something, is rather someone.

You’re writhing in pain, eyes shut in an unconsciousness that’s surely preferable to what you’re feeling. You’re sweating, groaning in your sleep and everyone is immediately rushing to you.

His face would’ve gone pale, if it weren’t for the fact that he was already as ghostly as a sheet.

“What happened,” Lae’zel demands in place of him, and he opts to mindlessly push Gale to the side, who doesn’t say a word from the expression on Astarion’s face. He doesn’t know what he looks like, but from Gale’s reaction, it’s better he never know.

“Damned poison arrows,” Shadowheart hisses. “I’m completely out of magic for today. I need to make an antidote by hand before their condition gets any worse than it already is.”

Astarion brushes the back of his knuckles against your cheek. The creases between your brows soften for the slightest moment before they’re back again.

Lae’zel and Shadowheart are arguing again—something about how one thing would’ve happened if another thing hadn’t. He’s not even sure what they’re arguing about, but in an instant, rage flickers in his chest.

“Do something!” He snaps, suddenly making the camp go quiet. “Or are you just going to stand there and watch them die?”

He suddenly feels a hand grab his, and his eyes shoot down to see your own. Even in your sleep, you reach out to him. Even in the deepest part of slumber, you search for him. It makes him feel like the shittiest and luckiest person alive, especially as the your hurt expression from last night flashes in his mind.

“Help them,” the words spill out against his will, his tone breaking down into something more desperate. “Do something. For God’s sake, anything.”

In the moment, he doesn’t care about protection. He doesn’t give a shit about any of that because the second he’d seen you in genuine pain, it was all he needed to completely forget about the stupid reasons why he approached you in the first place.

All he cared about was your life.

Everyone glances at one another knowingly, but even Lae’zel doesn’t break the silence. Shadowheart spares him a furrowed glare before rushing to gather the antidote.

You only awake hours later. Certainly during the middle of the night, to the ceiling of a tent that’s certainly not your own. You slowly urge yourself to sit up, a pounding headache ringing in your skull, but your worries about it vanish when you hear his voice.

“Quite the nap, darling.”

You snap around to see him on the other side of the tent, albeit only a few feet away from how crunched it is. Fascinating, he thinks, that even with your disheveled hair and bloodshot eyes, he finds you more beautiful than before. “What happened?”

“You nearly died.”

“…how?”

“Poison,” he’s fiddling with his dagger, refusing to look at you. He can’t. In fear of what he might say. “Caused a reasonable panic too. Seems like our companions have grown more attached to you than anyone’s expected.”

You purse your lips, and he quickly mortifies at the exceeding need to part them with his own. You don’t seem to notice. “You too?”

“I was certainly worried our esteemed leader may kick the bucket earlier than anticipated, yes.”

“No, I mean,” you scrunch your eyes sheepishly, and he thinks it’s adorable. Gods he must be going insane. “Have you…grown attached?”

He raises a brow. “You just woke up from a life threatening experience and that’s what piques your interest?”

Your cheeks turn a shade darker. He wants to touch them. “I just…I was worried all day. About us. I got too distracted and of course, that’s on me, but one of the goblins took advantage and—“

He wants to climb into a coffin, guilt eating away at what remains of his organs. But when you fidget with the ends of his bedroll blanket, he can’t tell if his stomach is churning from shame or something else.

You stop, close your mouth, then open it again. “When I passed out, I was just thinking about how I would hate for us to part like that. I didn’t want last night to be our last moment.”

“No,” he says firmly. “While you’d been asleep, I’ve had quite some time to think, darling. And more time to wallow in my self pity for being stuck with an actual weirdo. I mean, do you hear yourself? Worrying about such a stupid encounter while on your deathbed? You should’ve been cursing me with all the strength you had left if you were going to think about me of all people!”

You smile a bit, and he grits his teeth at the way his throat goes dry. “I’m just glad.”

“For getting poisoned?”

“No,” you roll your eyes. “I’m glad I didn’t scare you off by telling you I loved you. I was afraid we wouldn’t talk like this anymore.”

His body wills him to freeze up again. To push you away, and to force the fantasy that his feelings towards you were nothing but manipulative. That you were nothing but a way to survive to him. But no, he couldn’t stand such cowardice any longer. Not after nearly losing you.

You offer him a pathetic laugh. “I don’t expect you to say it back, nor for you to feel the same way. I just—felt like you needed to know. It doesn’t change anything between us I hope. It just felt wrong to keep it to myself any longer and the way you reacted just made me regret it so much-“

He wraps his palm in front of your mouth, his other hand pulling you closer to his side in an instant. With your faces inches apart, he sighs irritably. “As much as I’d like to keep hearing your voice, I can’t stand its contents any longer I’m afraid.”

He lowers his hand, staring straight at your wide eyes as he narrows his own. “I do. Like you, I mean. A lot more than I’d like to admit, quite frankly.”

You blink as if you’re staring at a miracle.

“Don’t look at me like that,” he mumbles with a scoff. “I’ve had these feelings for a while now, I just didn’t wish to face them. When you said that to me yesterday, I just didn’t know how to respond, and for that, I am sorry. But losing you—I’m not sure what I would have done, but it’s certainly not a pretty sight.”

Your eyes soften and he’s certain he can lose himself within them for years. “I’ve never heard you sound so—sincere.”

He raises your knuckles to his lips, keeping them close even as he speaks. “I approached you out of necessity, I’ll admit. But it seems you’ve grown on me in a way I haven’t experienced since I’ve turned into a spawn. What you are to me—it’s difficult to describe.” He pauses. “Sometimes, I can still feel my heart beating with you.”

As your fingers brush against the side of his face, he swears he can feel it again. He almost feels warm, maybe even safe. And he’s sick and tired of denying himself of your embrace when death is around every corner.

You’re soon curled up into his chest, with his chin atop of your head. He’s not sure how much time passes—maybe hours, or even days as he continues to observe your face, committing each and every detail to his memory. And when your breathing steadies, falling into deep slumber, he finally has the courage to whisper the words against your hair.

“I love you.”

[vasito-de-leche]

;R1999 - Self-Aware AU

Headcanons about an Alternate Universe in which everyone knows they're living inside a videogame. However, Vertin is the only one aware of the entity inhabiting her own mind, the real conductor - the "Player".

this is one of my favorite AUs to slap on whatever media I'm into so here we are <3 not sure if anyone's done this already, but PLEASE PLEASE PRETTY PLEASE link me if you've seen any other ppl write for this AU! this one and any actor AUs are my absolute fave

this is just a word vomit introduction for fun, to get the basic ideas out of my head, so I can start writing for characters individually!

Okay, okay! First of all, some context for the AU before I go deranged overexplaining my HCs!

Aside from the "Storm", there is something else that haunts the people of this world: the fact that their lives are nothing but a simulacrum, part of a game.

The requirements to obtain this "self-awareness" is unknown. Those within the Foundation believe it's related to their respective "roles", that only the main and relevant characters are given the chance to fully open their eyes to the truth. Those within Manus Vindictae claim that one must be strong enough to break through the fog of complacency and their assigned scripts, to have their full potential unleashed and obtain true liberation. Either way, similar to the "Storm", this is a well-kept secret for a very good reason - everyone wants to have the upperhand.

There is one outlier to this whole system. Vertin is not only aware of the truth of this world, but also of her duty as the eyes and hands of the "Player". She must experience it all for their sake. Or rather, whatever she experiences will be the story that the Player will see.

This applies to her suitcase, the place where the Player's influence increases tenfold, bending everything and everyone to their will through her own body and voice. The longer one stays within her suitcase - or within her general vicinity - the easier it is for them to become self-aware.

How does one become "self-aware" and what does it entail?

The requirements and the catalyst for a character to become self-aware are still a mystery. But that's mostly because I specifically wanted to keep them as vague as possible, to allow some flexibility for NPCs and other characters outside of Vertin's suitcase.

The whole process of gaining sentience or self-awareness is mostly described as waking up from a nightmare, or a very, very realistic dream. It's like a switch, something that happens in a second without any warnings whatsoever.

I like to think that most of the people who wake up are easy to spot, because it's a jarring experience and panicking is the most normal reaction - but that they're often taken care of by the Foundation or recruited by Manus Vindictae.

The levels of awareness also depend heavily on each individual - some only know that nothing is truly real, that everything they've done up until that point was just a carefully scripted lie, the most basic realization. Others can understand the rules that govern this game and use them to their advantage, either through observation and study or just inherently.

Overall, the experience of being sentient varies as well, with some describing a disconnect from their body, while others feel exactly the opposite. Again, keeping it pretty vague so that people can fill in with their own ideas!

I'll talk about Vertin's case in detail when we get to her specific bullet point, but the same way the Player is able to experience the "story" through her eyes, she's able to see the same things they do - this includes the UI, the menus and everything you can interact with in-game.

Vertin as a character and a vessel for the Player.

The most common thing I've seen in self-aware AUs in my years of fandom is to turn the player stand-in (the main character that serves for the player to experience the story through and/or project onto, depending on the genre of the game) into an obstacle, one that keeps the characters from truly interacting with the Player, capital P.

The second most common thing I've seen is to simply ignore the existence of this player stand-in and replace it with the Player themself, either through isekai methods or thanks to the customization the game allows, etc etc.

When it comes to Vertin in this AU, I know I want her to retain her role as the center of everything, instead of being sidelined by the Player. She's THE Timekeeper, after all.

There's still some details I'm trying to iron out, like whether she's always been self-aware or if she became self-aware at some point during her childhood at the St. Pavlov Foundation. But I like to think that her relationship to the Player is a parallel to her immunity to the "Storm" - neither of these two things are inherently good nor bad. Surviving the "Storm" is helpful, sure, but it's painful for her. Having an entity like the "Player" haunting her is scary, sure, but it can be an advantage. It's a matter of how she utilizes the assets she was given, since her adaptability and determination are big aspects of her character. Vertin makes up for her mediocre arcane skills with unconventional plans and strategies.

But this isn't to say that Vertin isn't affected by the presence of the Player. Ironically, she's the one person whose freedom is limited. During battles, her skills and Tuning are available to you, they can also prove to be vital to win a fight, but in the end you're still the one calling the shots and choosing when her friends get to attack. You're the one choosing the layout of the Wilderness. You're the one picking which one of her friends deserves to become stronger.

In the last bullet point I mentioned that some characters can understand the rules of the game - Vertin is the most extreme case, as she can see the same UI as you do. She learns the way you like to fight your battles, your own strategies, she can see this and more.

Overall it's a very complex dynamic. It's not as easy as saying that she likes or dislikes you, that she considers you a friend or foe. You're part of her, you influence each other in many aspects and are stuck together for reasons she can't even fathom. While you may be able to read her thoughts most of the time, she becomes invisible once you enter the suitcase - the main menu of the game. Sure, the character you selected to greet you every day is actually talking to her, not you, but she's out of your view and therefore, out of our range. That's when Vertin wonders the sort of person that you are, if you care about her friends as much as she does. Are you playing just to be entertained? Are you invested in these events? Will you be there for her until the end of her story?

Another detail I like to think about is that Vertin is the only one who knows your name. Because at the very beginning, you were asked to input a name and she was there.

[screenshot was taken from this video, since it's the first one I could find that showed this specific part of the game lol]

Well, "your name" not quite right - she knows that whatever you wrote there is the name linked to your account, at least. And that's the name she knows you as.

Those who take residence in Vertin's suitcase or spend prolonged amounts of time with her, growing closer to her and all, end up becoming self-aware. This is a direct side-effect of your presence.

I like to think that characters who reach the 100% Bond can begin to sense the Player, to see the world in a similar way as Vertin does. Maybe even feel their presence EXACTLY like Vertin does whenever there's a battle. There is someone else on the other side of this screen, the fourth wall, who watches over them.

To some, it's hard to differentiate Vertin from the Player, as they just go hand in hand - but Sonetto, for example, has the easiest time telling the two apart.

On the subject of freedom and acting out of script.

The Foundation, Manus Vindictae, Laplace... It doesn't matter if they're self-aware and acting outside of what their script dictates, because they're missing one key ingredient: you. No one else but Vertin and her group knows about your existence, after all.

They don't know that the only story that matters is the one that Vertin is part of. The one that the Player gets to see and read and experience. And because the game gives you a very limited view into the lives of these characters, you don't know what neither Arcana nor Constantine do behind the scenes. You and Vertin don't see that, therefore, it never truly mattered.

Those most likely to start "acting out" are the troublemakers within Vertin's suitcase. Characters who are too curious for their own good, who are more susceptible to supernatural entities, who are just too impulsive - they would start to test the limits and see how far they can go, how much they can interact with the Player. Can the game be broken should they end up shattering the fourth wall? Is there a way for the Player to communicate with them? What will happen to Vertin?

I like to think that Vertin probably supports this, as she's rather curious herself, prone to questioning everything. She would also like to learn more about the Player, to truly tear into the game and see the full extent of your influence and her freedom.

Sometimes, Regulus and X will change their usual voicelines, just enough to be noticeable if one pays enough attention. Characters like Sotheby or Leilani might slip up and address the Player, rather than Vertin. Lilya, Pavia, Bkornblume have new animations and different expressions, ones you've never seen before - they stare ahead, as if searching for something, and then smirk or hum to themselves, deep in thought, like they realized something you're not privy of.

Sometimes, if you leave them as your selected assistant on the main menu, you can catch them muttering to themselves - idle quotes you never heard enough, about the outside world. Diggers does this the most, it's almost embarassing how easy it is to catch him talking nonsense, followed by Sonetto. If you leave Medicine Pocket alone for too long, you might come back to a screen covered in weird scratch marks.

On the subject of these characters being curious about the outside world and all, I think that a good chunk of them are generally content with the way things are?

We have to remember that in-universe, they're arcanists displaced from their respective eras. Their best chance at surviving is siding with Vertin, and if Vertin is content with the way things are, then there's no point in trying to disrupt what they have right now. They're curious enough to prod, but only as far as Vertin allows it.

And I think that's it for the word vomit!

There are some details I didn't know where to fit in, like the possibility of the fourth wall slowly dissipating the more time the Player invests in the game, leading to some characters being able to directly hear you if you talk while playing and whatnot. Or what would happen should someone outside of Vertin's suitcase figure out the existence of the Player, let alone interact with you in some way.

Or the concept of death being meaningless, unless it was pre-established by the game itself.

In Borderlands, there's this game mechanic where you can just be revived over and over and pay a percentage of your money as a fee, even though the canon that's established is that you play through the whole story without dying a SINGLE time - because the revival mechanics aren't canon. There's the divide between story and gameplay. That's pretty much the standard. But what about the deaths in battles in R1999? The amount of times I died to 1.3's UTTU's Flash Gathering is insane. How do self-aware characters feel about this, now that they know that they're bound to die over and over and be brought back because you have to do your Pneuma Analysis or reach the final stage of Limbo?

But that's pretty much it for now, I think I got most thoughts out of my system! Thank you for reading!

[killualoverr]

hiii, i've been eating up all your works omg you are so talented! if you're comfortable with it, could you maybe try for headcanons with killua and a fem! civilian s/o? she's not strong or anything, but do you think she would catch his eye with her kindness or something?? bonus points if the zoldyck family knows about her and their opinion on her! take your time with it and ignore it if it makes you uncomfy in any way <3 mwah!

₊ ☆ ‧₊˚ → killua x civilian s/o headcanons!

cw: none that i’m aware of

note: omg you’re so sweet ☹️☹️!!! i’m so glad to know ppl are enjoying my works ahhh it makes me so unbelievably happy (๑>◡<๑)! anyway, i had lots of fun with this request, i hope you enjoy!!

- i was thinking of some possible ways that killua could’ve met you and here are the ones i think are most likely to happen

- 1. you could be a relative to someone like gon, bisky, etc

- 2. gon and you became friends and he introduced you to killua

- but ANYWAYS for the sake of convenience let’s go with the latter

- he was a bit distant when meeting you and didn't really bother to get to know you

- it was nothing bad he just didn't find interest in you

- that was until after spending some time together. while getting to know the boy and you first started becoming close, he was wary of telling you about his past as an (now ex) assassin in fear of scaring you away, but when he talks about it you reassure him that you don’t mind it kinda makes his feelings toward you grow in a way

- which eventually led to you both dating!

- anyway

- imagine him talking to you about his training and you have absolutely no idea what he’s talking about

- “oh yeah me and gon practiced our ren today- “killua, what. 🙁”

- on the topic, sometimes you watch him train

- compliment his special ability out of nowhere and he’s a blushing mess, scratching his cheek in a flush.

- you also fix him up if he ever gets hurt after a fight and/or training

- sometimes (when it’s safe for you to do so) you tag along the adventures the two bestfriends go on, killua always keeping a watchful eye on you just so he’s sure you’re safe.

- if you somehow do end up getting hurt he’s so worried and scolds you while treating any and every wound you have

- for the time he has to go away for something he constantly calls/texts you to check up on you and it’s one of his top priorities to visit you as soon as possible when he’s done

- as for what the rest of the zoldycks think about you…

- killua avoids getting you involved with his family and would only introduce you alluka (aka basically the least threatening member of the family) for your safety

- if his family were to somehow find out about you (cough cough illumi snitching)

- silva wouldn’t approve of you and would lose interest when he hears you’re just a regular person since he wants killua to be with someone to help produce heirs for the family (bro still really thinks killua is going to be the next head of the zoldycks), but i feel like he would try to manipulate/bribe you into bringing killua home then gets pissed when it doesn’t work 😭😭

- kikyo borderline loathes you. she would have a list of requirements you would need to meet for her to see you as fit for killua so she hates you for not meeting her standards. she would tell him to break up with you or to kill you

- illumi also thinks you’re not fit for killua and you quickly gain your name being put in his list of targets which quite obviously does not sit well with killua at all

- milluki doesn’t really care but he’s kind of upset about it, he doesn’t think you’re good for killua and would think he’s stupid for dating you

- kalluto wouldn’t really have an opinion on it, he would think it’s a little idiotic of killua but it’s whatever to him

- alluka adores you! you’re by far her favorite person (along with killua of course)

[blackwoolncrown]

that's a really interesting take on dating (not sarcasm), would you mind expanding on it? no worries if not ✌

Okay sorry I actually just expanded on it in the original post but for the sake of archiving….

Dating is not historically the norm. MASSIVELY generalizing, there are two main ways people to about seeking a *partnership* (not the same thing as seeking a sex partner which is and has always been easier)

One tends to happen before marriage age in cultures where it’s allowed and it’s more like “hooking up”. Aside from pregnancy and STIs the long term stakes are otherwise low and long term commitment isn’t the goal. Rather it’s something that tends to happen w young people as they use sexual interactions as a way to gain social status (think abt social hierarchies and currency tied to who gets to make out the most)

The other is marriage, whether poly or mono; this is a practice that tends to apply to older individuals with higher long term stakes. In this realm, premarital sex is frowned upon (I’m actually pro premarital sex for really important reasons but I’m against non-committal sec) and overall it is expected that a period of courtship ensue during which the quality of the potential partners is assessed.

Now I am not saying there can’t be issues w more traditional cultures irt this.

But what I am saying is that after assimilation and various cultural genocides, these practices have largely been eroded.

Additionally the “free love” push of the 60s and 70s which freed people from purist conservative sexuality then bred an attitude of “sexual liberation” that saw the maintenance of any barriers to sex as conservative, old fashioned and restrictive.

And I think that’s kind of a mindfuck bc for any hood it did, it fundamentally lowered the bar for mens access to sex, and now it’s like 6 feet under.

For better or worse, the average man organizes a lot of his life around whether he can get laid and how much. When it costs nothing- whether in money or more importantly effort and quality of character- for him to get it, he’s absolutely not going to put in more than he needs to.

I think it’s also noteworthy that the foundation for tbis ways laid in WWI bc during the draft, the amount of available bachelors dropped, but it was still a time during which women really needed to get wed to get anywhere in life, so women began to compete for men, which is WILDLY out of pattern for how things used to be. Around this time they were willing to “prove” themselves as available bedmates and homemakers to a degree they wouldn’t before, in the hopes of a ring. So you started to see girls “going steady” w men which is basically providing all the benefits of a wife without him having actually committed to anything at all. And our modern dating pattern was born.

Meanwhile, “dating” has evolved from “multi partner mini courting” to “seeing someone for sex and hoping they care about you after” and it’s honestly fucked up.

Like all things considered letting a man smash in your house or his when you hardly know him is fucking insane. And ppl will do this repeatedly w someone who they don’t have previous intimacy w then get hurt when that person fails to prioritize them emotionally.

Plus a lot of dudes think that since sex is easy to get- it’s like fucking door dash for many, just go on an app and make an arrangement- that they are getting the “meat” of a relationship without having to deal w tje extras.

But ironically the benefits of a committed relationship have way more to do with emotional and psychological growth and safety than sex, which is really more of the culmination of the two.

So ppl are just having these really shallow relationships w each other, putting the cart before the horse and then being upset when they’re not getting anywhere.

Meanwhile the dominance of dating apps is the biggest opp I’ve ever seen. Yeah siren describe exactly what you’re looking for so someone can fake it or unintentionally internalize it and then you can be upset and feel manipulated when once the per formative stage is over they are “different”.

Additionally relationships aren’t like….this cute thing you “just do” bc everyone else is doing it. A partner isn’t like a life accessory. It’s actually a decision to face and mutually work through your most intimate issues. And it’s like almost no one these days knows that. So they don’t stick anything out or gain the tools to manage a relationship before actually seeking one. Then they become serial daters just triggering each other en masse then hopping on social media to complain abt how hard dating is. Like..then stop?

For those who are solely seeking sex, I don’t care. I’m not in tje business of judging. But a lot of ppl are seeking a relationship. And doing so through dating is, in my autistic opinion, clearly illogical.

Also recent study shows actually 68% of marriages started as friendships. Not from dating.

Dating is a lie and the idea that it’s THE way to find a partner is false.

[raeflora]

Even if Jenny approved being on Gossip Girl (which at the time she didn't) for Dan to say "Will she end up another victim? I love parties." after Serena did in the pilot makes him super disgusting. How can he say that about his sister and his love interest. As the quote goes if he's a bystander who feels entertained or netural by bad things occuring he's siding with the perpetrator. I don't think Dan later standing up to Chuck was purely for Jenny's sake but was also a power struggle to gain more respect, which is why he was so hurt by Chuck not knowing who he is and said things "I'm in your class. I'm Dan Humphrey," and valued Chuck's opinions like those on his book. He didn't have much of an issue hanging out with Chuck multiple times after. Dan was less willing to admit that he was jealous of his affluent peers while Jenny was more willing to admit it. It's hard to tell what his feelings are because of how fake he can be.

hi!! this is such an interesting point omg!! I think ur so right in that dan definitely wanted to be in with the upper east siders and was pretending to have some kind of moral superiority which he turned on and off depending on the situation. although lots of ppl believe that dan being gossip girl wasn't planned stephanie savage said after 6x10 that he was always the only option, so it doesn't negate anything he said as gg, including this, which is really gross regardless of whether or not he truly meant it. it's interesting that when serena is gg blair says she's nicer about her, so dan could've held back some of the things he said about his sister without it seeming ooc. in terms of his relationship with chuck I definitely think he wanted to be liked by him the most, possibly bc he'd be the most challenging person and it would mean he's definitely made it into the ues. despite claiming to not like him he writes very nicely about him throughout the show (apart from in his book) and spends a lot of time with him, so he obviously doesn't care about chuck's behaviour as he actively tries to befriend him after the pilot and obviously doesn't hold any real kind of grudge

[raveneira]

On topic of hokages I think danzo got his extreme views form hashirama than tobirama hashirama what he say before "killing" mardara

Is like something danzo would says

Nah his extreme view came from his jealousy of Hiruzen being everything he wasn't and wanting to one up him, he saw Hiruzen as 'soft' for his selfless and kind heartedness and wanted to be the opposite out of spite, so he was a cold and ruthless leader believing that was the better way to do things, especially when Hiruzen was a failure as hokage, but tbf some of his failures as hokage was caused by danzo working against him behind his back. But danzos real resentment kicked into overdrive when Hiruzen was forced to step down and they rejected his pitch for Orochimaru in favor of Hiruzens pitch for Minato.

Danzo cared about the village in his own way sure, but his motivation was purely out of spite and entitlement and resentment for Hiruzen being everything he wasn't and he couldn't bring himself to admit that it was all jealousy until he finally for the first time in his life made a selfless sacrifice like a true hokage, like Hiruzen so bravely did in the past where he failed to because he was scared.

Danzos mentality is nothing like hashiramas because he never had selfless motivations, it was always about what he could gain and how he could win over Hiruzen, danzo wasn't willing to kill a friend for the sake of the village he was literally willing to kill ppl to get HIMSELF closer to power, the massacre of the Uchiha wasn't because they were a threat to the village frfr but to steal power. The Uchiha were they strongest clan and Hiruzen wanted to try talking to them to work out things peacefully, danzo went behind his back to commit genocide instead and stealing multiple Uchihas eyes, he even stopped shisui from halting the coup peacefully by stealing his eye because he WANTED the genocide to happen so he could steal their eyes and gain more power.

That was always danzos motivation which was nothing like any hokage before him, if anything he was closer to yagura who also was ruthless in how he ran the village (debatable how much of that was actually yagura and how much was Obito)

Anyway point is danzo is a bastard who only finally owned up to his mistakes during his sacrifice which was too little too late. Not even tobirama was as ruthless as him, he simply put the Uchiha under close surveillance, he never wanted to kill off the entire clan.

So nah danzo wouldn't say what hashirama did because he never had those feelings to begin with, he didn't value his friends or comrades, only those who would submit to him, so the only thing he'd say to Madara or anyone else in his position was that they deserve it for threatening the village.

[devilcatdarling]

3, 9, 11, 13?

Oh boy lots of words incoming

3. Have you ever unfollowed someone over a fandom opinion?

- a few times actually, but because said opinions happened to be either extremely ableist, transphobia, proshipper rhetoric, or infantilization of trauma victims, etc, things that are reflections of poor character irl passed as "opinions" that I'd much rather not see on my dash or associate with. Ship discourse and or ooc characterizations and the like for fictional media are things I usually just mute or ignore otherwise

9. Most disliked character(s)? Why?

- a lot of my choices are the usual common ones for the reasons you'd expect, though most of them I can respect as nuanced/complex characters and write/portray them as such. The main ones I dislike being Zote, the White Lady, the Pale King, Soul Master, and the Radiance.

Particularly the Radiance and White Lady. Zote is annoying, Soul Master is a haughty immortality seeking asshole that throws others under the wheels for his own gain, the Pale King is an in-denial deity seeking any methods to purpetuate his kingdom at the ultimate cost of his own kids, etc (at least he had regrets though? I'm not about to defend him though tbh)

But the White Lady and Radiance? Despicable. Both more than capable and willing to throw their own "children" into eternal suffering and hell for the sake of their wars. Radiance infecting and wiping out the entire populace of Hallownest over her fury towards another god for "stealing" from her. Burning everything to the ground and leaving nothing but sickness and corpses. No matter how justified her anger or fear of being forgotten could be, she has laid waste to the entirety of a population in the name of her rage and slaughtered countless mortals caught in the crossfire of a godly spat

The White Lady? Bitch. Biggest bitch. How her responsibility in things is often overlooked in fandom portrayals is astounding to me because, as the only one of the three gods involved in this shitfest that you actually can just talk to ingame, her complete and utter dismissal towards her remaining spawn, from her cold indifference towards Hollow as a "tarnished impure failure" to her insistence that Ghost offer themselves up as sacrifice for a kingdom that they owe nothing to, that left them to die, is vile on a level that makes me despise her the most out of most of these choices here. She then hides away to assuage her own guilt and leaves the rest of the kingdom she claimed to care for to burn, speaking to her last remaining child as an object and pleading with them to lie their neck over the guillotine for a kingdom long since burned to ashes while she does nothing but hide away

I'd fist fight her in a McDonald's parking lot at 2 am and win

11. Is there an unpopular character that you like that the fandom doesn't? Why?

- I'm a pretty basic bitch in that most of the characters I like/dislike are also popularly liked/disliked in most fandom spaces but uhhh if I had to pick I'd say Unn. She's kinda just vibing under her lake separate from all the other godly bullshit going on and yeah she's not really trying hard to keep her own land but she's also kinda causing way less problems for everyone else unlike some aforementioned gods in this salt post. Also Greenpath as a nature realm is THRIVING compared to the rest of the burnt up and abandoned husk that is Hallownest so...Unn for the win lol

14. Unpopular opinion about your fandom?

- Some people spend an excessive amount of time gatekeeping ships and characterizations and it's just..not that serious guys xD

Granted it's not a HUGE problem, but if I had a dollar for every time I have someone showing up in mine, or other ppl's, inboxes to inform them about how their characterization/au/ship for XYZ character is "incorrect" and lives rent free in their mind in a negative way to the point where they just HAVE to tell you how bad it is, I'd have a hefty pocket full of dollars right now. Other people having harmless headcanons and ships shouldn't consume so much of your time and energy to the point where you NEED to hit up the inboxes of Pale King stans or Quirrelnet/Pale Nightmare/oc x canon shippers to needlessly shit on their day and tell them they should stop liking things because you can't use your mute and block functions to curate your own space accordingly. Log off and go outside and breathe some fresh air, I'm begging you. You can not like or even HATE certain interpretations of characters, you can rant about them in your own spaces, whatever. But don't come into MY inbox telling me not to ship oc x canon because you hate women and can't stand seeing your fave fictional blorbo with zero canon dialogue or relationship content shipped with a girl. I promise you I don't give a shit xD

[cryptidcalling]

Bit of Vesper posting before I go to bed. Putting it under a cut in case it gets long, just talking a bit about Vesper's history as an officer and how Panza came to pick him as a general. Head's up, Vesper and Panza are not always The Best People so. Keep that in mind pls.

I don't have all the numbers worked out (probably never will) but I want to say that Panza's been the emperor for about 6 to 8 years now, and Vesper was his first general. They probably started working together a bit before Panza came into power, so I'll say they've been working closely for maybe 8 to 10 years. That means that through a lot of Vesper's military training and work he was actually operating under the rule of Panza's mother, which I think he found somewhat frustrating. Not because of her specifically, but because he started to feel frustrated and held back by his lack of ability to actually DO anything. Dealing with petty crimes felt like a chore, and having to go through mountains of legal paperwork to actually get anything done was pretty irritating. Vesper managed to rise through the ranks due to sheer effectiveness, but he's always been,, "controversial" among fellow officers due to how lax he is about procedure when he decides he knows better. Mainly, he's pretty fucking lethal, and he doesn't really care about collateral damage (that being property, not innocent people) if it's for the sake of completing his mission. To be fair, Vesper's not collateral-prone. He's swift and stealthy, he doesn't cause much destruction. But he's definitely one of those "This stupid piece of paper is preventing me from doing my JOB" type of ppl. Still though, like I said Vesper was highly effective, and generally he's credited with the collapse of multiple large gangs as well as rescuing many kidnapped/otherwise endangered victims. He's also, somewhat surprisingly, very in favor of expanding the Empire's alliances and territories without the threat of going to war. He's not a good negotiator so he can't really do that himself, but as an officer he was fairly vocal about how constantly needing to be ready to be deployed for war drew time and resources away from helping the citizens they're already in charge of protecting. Deeper down (deep enough that he's not really aware of it) he also empathizes with the leaders of smaller nations and territories. He can't imagine how angry he'd be if someone showed up and demanded he relinquish his title and never raise a finger to protect his citizens again. That's HIS job, they're HIS responsibility, and there's a lot of shame in giving that up. So, over all, Vesper was dedicated to being an officer and didn't plan to quit, but he was discontent with how things were being run. This is a big reason he caught Panza's attention. See, Panza's whole Thing, his whole Mission, is to bring massive changes to the Empire. An era of progress he calls it, one where their current people take priority over expansion or economic gain to the throne. And Vesper's "controversial" actions and statements, as well as his skill and effectiveness on the job, made him a wonderful candidate for Panza's vision of the future. So after a bit of discussion, though very little actual convincing was needed on Panza's part, they became a team. As much as I call it Panza's Empire, it really became what it is today thanks to the collective work and ideals that Panza and Vesper brought to the table. They made MASSIVE changes to how things ran. This meant more socialist programs and more peaceful negotiations. It also meant stripping back a lot of the rules that kept officers from just doing whatever they want, but also creating much more severe punishments for abusing their power (as well as harsher punishments on crime in general). Panza also chose to be the first Emperor who really became a public figure/celebrity politician while Vesper worked in the background. In the past it's been the Acting Grand General who gave speeches and did press releases, allowing the current ruler to maintain a sort of mysterious, all-powerful, all-knowing air about them. Panza stepping into the spotlight made him feel more trustworthy and approachable, especially since he's the first of his kind.

[troglobite]

kljfaksd

question for my irl friends is this

did you grow up w ppl pretending to be your friend as a joke, or fake asking you out (or alternatively, being The Only One to NOT be asked out, making it a spectacle w an audience), or ppl taking advantage of you for their own gain, often by means of making you think they liked you?

were the majority of your friends randos from other actual friend groups who thought you were funny or useful or entertaining, and so, bc you had no other recognizable Group to hang out with, they basically took pity on you?

did you stop getting invited to parties after the age at which inviting everyone in class became obsolete?

were you called, a million times by a million different ppl in a million different circumstances, annoying? not in subtext, not through guesswork or anxiety brain. literally, to your face, called annoying by so many people, including friends. at all stages of your life. regardless of what personality and behavioral changes were made to try and STOP being annoying.

bc basically if not that really explains why everyone ignores basically everything i say, and no one wants to talk to me unless i 1. can be a charity case 2. am providing something for them that they like.

yes, this includes even when i ask them how they're doing or what's up, or specifically bring up something that they enjoy and expressed interest in discussing.

the charity case thing comes out HARD when i mention being the only one in the discord. or being alone. and wanting to hang out w my friends. or being disabled and sad. or when i express any emotion for which the correct and desired response is comfort.

there's just a lot of incongruity between 'you're the best dm! and a great friend! you're great and we love you!' and fucking radio silence and being ignored for weeks on end.

like i am. going Through It. and no one has offered to check in. and i stopped complaining/seeking comfort bc no one wanted to provide it.

and i haven't checked in on anyone directly because i have told them i don't do that because i know they're busy. and also bc trying to do so in the past yielded basically no results and made me apparently even more annoying. i have communicated this more than once, that i deliberately don't check in directly on purpose bc i know they're busy. and the discord is THERE FOR THEM TO USE, TOO. even when i'm using it regularly, i'm not in it CONSTANTLY. and when they DO use it, i respond!!!

so i check in in other ways, by bringing up interesting or important or funny things, or things that i think specific ppl will find funny or interesting.

still. nothing.

and every time i mention this during the rare fucking moments that we actually hang out on zoom, it's just a chorus shouting me down of how it's not intentional or personal.

okay. sure. thanks.

now can we get to the part where we collaboratively figure out how to make sure i DON'T feel like RANCID SHIT bc you guys are modeling the EXACT behaviors of my 'friends' and bullies throughout my entire fucking life?

or how abt when we're hanging out for the sake of my mental health--which they encouraged, which i asked for, and they obliged--i basically end up third wheeling it. nobody talking to me. nobody playing games w me. they're just playing bg3 with each other, not including me, and talking not consistently loud enough for the mic to pick up, and abt shit and ppl i've never heard of and trying to catch me up is just annoying. like a hang out that was supposed to make me feel better just makes me feel infinitely worse.

or how in any hang out ppl basically just never want to let me experience a breadth of emotions, or share abt my life, or any of that shit. i ask abt theirs and express genuine interest bc i do genuinely care. and i listen to conversations go on around me, sometimes with me. but somehow when talking i just fuck up and am annoying and my life isn't interesting and if i talk abt it i'm just sad and annoying and sucking up all the air in the room.

idfk man. everybody has their own issues and trauma but every time we talk abt childhood stuff in school i'm the only one who's met w like. Sad Silence. i'm the only one w nothing to share bc i can't/don't relate bc my childhood was just being bullied. constantly.

and somehow the ones who experienced some negativity had groups of cool or fun friends and they got through it that way.

i couldn't bc my friends were also the bullies. idk man it's 4 am i'm sad and tired and my hand still isn't fully healed and i should stop typing.

idr why i started thinking abt this. but something just. reminded me. anyway.

i guess i'm just tired of it being 'that's just an anxious thought that's irrational :)'

when it's like. no. my literal FRIENDS throughout my ENTIRE LIFE have told me TO MY FACE repeatedly that I AM ANNOYING. i have been ostracized or punished or ignored or mocked or gaslit. i was bullied basically my entire childhood and past that, it was pity and self-defense that kept me with any semblance of friends.

even to ppl who hsould've been or said they were my closest friends, i am. just not that important ultimately.

i'm tired of not being a priority in anybody's life. i matter so little. and i'm so tired and so jaded and so TIRED. SO FUCKING TIRED. that i don't WANT to start over. i don't WANT to try and make new friends i'm TIRED.

making friends is literally a SOURCE OF FUCKING TRAUMA. straight up i remember my first day in fucking preschool vividly bc i'm so inherently bad at making friends. and it just set the tone for the rest of my life.

so i don't want to. i've tried many different ways to be friends. i've spent a lot of energy. and right now i feel insane and evil and selfish and cruel for being like.

i just want to prioritize myself.

bc it feels like maybe that's all i've done my entire fucking life. and i;m just a narcissistic (dsm not involved, just a descriptor/adj) piece of shit whos self-pitying and unselfaware and refuses to change.

but it FEELS like ive tried changing a lot over the course of my life.

idk. im just at a stage in my life where i want friends and relationships. but the daily upkeep is a lot. i want casual conversations and check ins. not huge obligations. i want to work up to that. bc the thought of someone depending on me feels awful and like too much. like id run away from it.

but i want friends.

and i guess. i guess i DO sort of try to maintain friendships in my own way and it just. doesnt matter. bc they dont try to maintain them with ME. they just. assume/know/take for granted that i'll be there. bc of course i will. im lonely and desperate.

and the last time i tried setting boundaries and asking for support in specific ways, it blew up in my face and i ended up losing all my friends.

and now im just stuck. taking care of health stuff. being sad and miserable. doing work. playing catch up. i dont have the time energy or physical ability to gameplan. or have a complete dialogue w the player who blew things up for me at the dnd table.

im exhausted. im literally freshly traumatized (recently discovered when i had a literal autonomic nervous system trauma reaction). im tired. and id just like support.

but asking for it directly got me nothing. asking indirectly got me nothing. so im just. not even trying anymore.

and it feels awful to say that its a test for them to see if they even notice or care that im not present in the discord or talking to any of them anymore. but like. it is part of it. its secondary to the main part which is that:

it feels awful, like gut-wrenchingly fucking awful to be sharing bits abt your life, sharing things you love and WANT to share, sharing things to entice others into convo, sending things bc they made you think of them, and to receive fucking silence in return.

or the occasional pity reply.

and when even those pity replies taper off and stop? like fuck, man.

'they're busy and have things going on!'

i know. that's the problem. everything else, for every single one of those ppl, ranks higher in priority than me. including other relationships. i dont get to be on par with any of that.

meanwhile in terms of friendships, they are my TOP priority.

but its not reciprocated.

so at some point its like. why would i keep following the annoying as fuck advice abt like 'dont stop reaching out, theyll be glad you did!'

bc its clearly just not true for me and any of my irl friends. and never has been and never will be.

its not even bc of covid, ive just. never been anyones serious priority. or a treasured friendship. and when i have, like ONCE, it fizzled out bc of other ppl who ended up being more important.

and i dont mean this in a 'i have to be the only person in your life' way

you can have MULTIPLE priorities, all of differing levels and grouped in different ways

but being grouped in the same way but not receiving the same priority or care. like. thats what sucks.

and then like. specifically this one friendship im thinking abt, i was there for her through SO MUCH SHIT. i worked my ass off to make sure i was threading the needle on being supportive and not pushing her. and i wanted her safe and happy.

and ultimately it was for nought bc abusive relationships are like that

bc to be told 'i want you to share more with me and be vulnerable with me' and then

i do it. i literally did it.

and like. on the one hand, maybe she needed practice. but on the other hand.

if you do this with your other friends, why are you SO UNCOMFORTABLE with me being vulnerable? why are you SO INCAPABLE of LISTENING to me and understanding what im saying and where im coming from? and offering ANY support?

and like fuck that, man, ive literally MODELED for you like 'waht do you need/what would you like from me?' type shit so just ASK ME

and then to now be trying to set up a zoom hangout session and for her to keep putting it off and saying shes busy and she cant and blah blah blah

im tired. im tired of being taken for granted. of not being a priority. of not mattering.

of also--not being privy to anyones lives! to do so, i have to PULL TEETH to get answers/replies from them, or i have to find out abt it second or third hand in a group hangout session.

im tired of being the one to reach out. to check in. to try and have convos. to ask for support. to set up hang out times and games. of being the only one doing like WORK for this dnd campaign. of having to manage all this shit.

im tired of not mattering. of being so low on the list of priorities.

im tired of trying a million things to try and fix myself and my behavior--both in unhealthy and supposedly really healthy ways.

and still running up against the same shit. idk what to do anymore. and im tired. im tired of trying. of putting myself out there. i dont want to. im tired and im scared and i have every fucking right to be.

and i dont want ppl to tell me but i HAVE to if i dont want to be lonely anymore.

ive tried all your fucking suggestions and nothing seems to work longterm.

the only times i ever hate myself? it's not when im alone w myself. i can be alone w myself. i can admit my good and my bad. i can recognize my insecurities.

but when i hate myself? its when im a direct inconvenience and annoyance to ppl who say they care abt me. its when i feel or observe that i am making the lives of these ppl i care abt, harder and worse.

i dont need to work on self love or self compassion. ive done that. thats not the problem.

i am traumatized and people WONT STOP FUCKING RE-TRAUMATIZING ME.

at what point do i just get to throw my hands up and say THIS IS YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM, NOW. IVE DONE MY WORK. I'LL KEEP DOING MY WORK. BUT FUCKING CHRIST ALIVE WHY CANT YOU ACT LIKE YOU EVEN LIKE ME AT ALL???

i just think it would be impossible for anyone to be me and not come out thinking 'jfc there is something fundamentally wrong w me that everybody can pick up on and HATES, and idk how to find it and fix it despite trying for 30 years'

i make mistakes. i know theyre mistakes. im working on mending mistakes without shame. like im not a perfect and enlgihtened individual, im just working on things.

but i cant work on my own shit and magically live in a world where ppl dont fucking hate me. or use me. or ignore me. or find me deeply annoying.

idk i guess its late and im spiraling and im just tired. im fucking tired. ive been inside and alone and these past like 9, 10 days without being able to properly use my hand, so i couldnt work or do chores or game plan or talk to ppl at lenght like. idk. i guess it made everything worse.

im not even currently sobbing or melting down. im just tired.

and i guarantee my stupid fucking hand is gonna be SO fucked up tomorrow. not even using my pinky to type. but it hurts.

whatever.

[mikuchae]

noone asked but here are my post july 3rd predictions for kep1er

yujin: i fear shes one of the members most prone to actress disease but for the sake of how much i love watching her perform i think she'll go solo

xiaoting: a bit difficult to predict. bc of her visa i think she'll inevitably go back to china for a while and may even promote there for a couple months but tbh with how popular she is in the kpop industry i think a big company will try and scout her - i honestly wouldnt be shocked if it was hybe

mashiro: it's basically confirmed that her and yeseo are joining limelight like literally right after kepi disbands so 😭 but for the sake of actually speculating i think she'll get more variety/mc gigs

chaehyun: since she'll be without a contract im literally begging for her not to just stay w wakeone but i do think she'll continue w music, whether solo or in a group (also wouldnt be surprised if she also joined limelight along w yeshiro since their concept is unlimited members + 143 ent liked one of her teasers for magic hour)

dayeon: jellyfish is rumored to be creating a group for her once she goes back to that company so all i can ask for is noone younger than at least 2008 + good music and jellyfish not fucking anything up we cannot lose a performer like her 💔

hikaru: with every passing month the "hikaru in xg" prediction sounds more like the "yena in everglow" situation, in that atp i think xg are too far into their career/have established themselves enough as a seven member group to the point where i dont think they would need to add hikaru to the group to gain more popularity . i think hikaru will go back to japan due to visa purposes for a bit, but ultimately will continue as a kpop idol. with how attached at the hip her and hiyyih are i wouldnt be shocked if she ended up joining ist/another company if hiyyih decided to leave

hiyyih: this one is tough. i know ist has been scouting trainees for a bit but w how little they've done to post about hiyyih while she's been promoting with kep1er i think she should leave and join a different one. i don't necessarily know if said company will be hybe (ppl think that bc they didnt blur her face in txt content that means shes joining but honestly i think thats bc shes kais sister), but i just hope its one that actually cares for her.

youngeun: PLEASE LEAVE NUGU ASS BISCUIT ENT. 🙏🏻🙏🏻 i am begging for a company to recognize her as the all rounder she is and scout her PLEASSSEEE 🙏🏻🙏🏻

yeseo: same situation as mashiro but i think she'll get casted for web dramas alongside limelight's activities

[tea-with-evan-and-me]

These couch posts are funny 😆 (it’s all with love Evan!). I have a feeling his favorite color is blue? Atleast he didn’t go the route my ex did when he also moved out from the Midwest, hit up Craigslist 🫣 and kept the furniture for yeearrsss.

And omg I can’t stand when ppl ask “why are you single?” Or “why aren’t you married yet?” 😳 like how do you even respond to that?? I could never ask someone that, it’s such a weird thing to ask and it doesn’t even make sense to ask. One old man told me I needed gain weight if I ever wanted to be married. Like wtf? I had a long term bf and I was actually the most fit I’ve ever been, I was toned and ate a lot for how much I was working out. The audacity is wild with some ppl. And my current personal trainer recently asked if I had kids and I said no.. then he asked if it was by CHOICE which caught me off guard (he’s also an old man) and I was like yeah… like what a weird question to ask a female.. what if I said no, it’s not by choice, would he like to have a discussion about my reproductive health? Or why I can’t find the perfect guy to have kids with? What way was he hoping that conversation to go?? Awkward much?! Sorry about my little rant lol but some ppl astound me. That reminds me of some old man in the entertainment industry (a DJ maybe? I don’t remember) made a comment about Taylor Swift’s age and how he was hoping she start having kids soon for her kids’ sake so she’d be a young mom or something. Ew why is it always older men sooo concerned about younger women like that.. good god they need to keep their mouths shut, nobody cares what they have to say lol god

the intrusive, weird, rude and condescending things we have to deal with... the way even strangers can be concerned about totally personal decisions. i can't imagine asking people things like this. and it comes from all angles. as a woman who is child-free and wishes to stay that way, even other women feel the need to add their input and judgement. i'm just glad i have never been one to entertain nonsense, because... whew!

[tornad001]

see i think about what ppl mean when they say "evil" and then i look at republicans talking about how children should go hungry cuz their parents need to work harder, and how queer ppl r all groomer pedos from the mouth of friend of epstein trump, and how oil billionaires should actually be able to set the planet on fire literally just for their bank accounts sake, and at restricting abortion while doing nothing to help ppl who wanna keep their kids, and the child marriage laws they defend, and all the other heinous shit they wanna do and openly talk about wanting to do. and i look at their motivations for doing it and its time and again power, control over others, and usually money. and i think when u look at all of that and then u think about how ppl use the term "evil" and if it can't be applied to them, then who can it be applied to?

now im a moral antirealist, i dont think right and wrong are set in stone in the universe, its an intersubjective game. theres nothing objectively wrong with ruining the world for profit, its only wrong cuz most everyone agrees its wrong and cuz it goes against my ungrounded and ungroundable basic axioms of freedom and equity, but its not objectively wrong cuz morality isnt a game of objectivity. so given that i don't actually believe that "good" and "evil" really exist, it becomes a shorthand that references that intersubjectivity. i don't call them evil ontologically, but descriptively. they weave evil into the world through their actions. and there's lots of times in which the motivations or inner psychology or whatever else matters when doing analysis. but there's also lots of times where it's sufficient to descriptively say "they're evil" cuz they're doing evil.

they can stop, evil isn't written into ur genetics, but as long as they continue to try their absolute hardest to make the world as worse a place for everybody as they can possibly manage, it will always be easier to call them evil. as i said, sometimes ur analysis calls for a little more nuance, but its pretty incredible how often you lose nothing by doing the informed simplicity.

so i ask u, if we can't call republicans evil, who can we? is it like... hitler and only hitler? or do u just not like the use of the word evil at all? which would be a fair position, albeit one that i don't respect. as long as ppl care about the terminology of good and evil, its a rhetorical tool to be used by those of us who don't actually buy the premise of the good vs evil dichotomy. if u think calling republicans evil is rhetorically ineffective, again, a fair position, but not one id agree with. i think its phenomenal for drawing into clarity the utter absurdity and anti-life basis of literally all conservative politics. (also i don't morally judge them for their evil cuz they were groomed into it, they're as much victims of the abuse as they are perpetuators of it)

tldr; i agree the concept of an "evil person" doesn't exist, but so long as we're in a paradigm of using the language of morality, im not gonna hamstring my rhetorical efficacy by not calling heinous shit evil. i don't think u gain anything politically by avoiding it, cuz the christian right isn't gonna stop calling us evil groomer pedos. also, to a very large degree, i don't care about political efficacy because what i write on tumblr is for me to express my feelings (sometimes that takes the form of hate towards evil things), and in my day to day life i don't talk to anyone, much less about politics, who isn't already mostly in agreement with me. there's many talented ppl out there who're great at reaching the other side, but that's not me and i don't try to be that. i like nuance when i think it's deserved or needed, but the republican party does not deserve my nuance in this respect. they're evil, and i'm not gonna stop saying it until it stops being tru

Some people’s political opinions can really just be boiled down to “can anybody tell me who the good guys and the bad guys are”

[roppiepop]

reverse robins au? your choice if it’s jaytim

Aaaaaa thank u for coming in and asking abt it!!!! Reverse robin aus are one of my fave fandom specific concepts!!

Okay, so basic ground here, but my main reference points for divergence are the 4 male robins, just for linerization sake, and just because I’m most familiar with Tim he’ll prolly be the one that gets the most expansion, but i hope i can do this the way i prefer it to, which is w the most consideration i can towards canon changes affected while also letting each of them mostly keep their original arcs!!!!

- To start off i think it could be interesting to have Bruce work/train duke at the start, and the possibilities of how that would affect Bruce’s attitude towards metas in Gotham, and maybe give a little flavor to how it feels being a mentor to a kid that’s still mostly independent from him with his own family. How well this will actually be handled i still dont know.

- having Damian be the first kid he actually has to try and kind of parent right in the early bat years also come with a few considerations, i think. On one hand Bruce is definitely softer, maybe a bit more tempered having mentored before, and damian may be fresh off the league but since there’s no previous robins for him to need to fight his ‘birthright’ for, maybe there isn’t a need for any drastic measures. (I mean he’s definitely gonna fight duke on principle but i want them to gain the friendship they do in canon and since duke isn’t like, Bruce’s direct partner i think that can track.)

But then again they’re still them, and damian still has a lot of hangups on worth and legacies and is in the worst stages of blustered arrogance while bruce still doesn’t know how to communicate his feelings in effective ways and happens to have an eldest child that is equally as emotionally repressed so????? Maybe its still a really rocky road.

(I’d like for Damian to keep some of his friends here, mainly Colin and Maya to start with, maybe. I honestly dont know how likely it is for him to set up a teen hero group, but i think that’ll end up happening once he sheds his robin-equivalent mantle.

We’ll let him have his nomadic self-discovery journey i guess :/// something ala williamson’s robin maybe, but like, with his actual friends xjsbdhssbdbd we can even keep Bruce and Talia’s playing tug of war w him towards their respective ideals as a catalyst, and maybe its a bit cleaner without all the baggage of morrison’s interpretation of her.

Let’s put him at idk, 17/18 at this point.)

- One thing that i think definitely changes with having Damian in the first iteration of the dynamic duo is how the mythos is perceived. The kid is capable and ruthless and for awhile at the start, mostly cared more for animals than whoever they were saving. Definitely made rogues think twice to leverage him over batman, but probably mostly didn’t endear him much towards the ppl they encounter, though I’d like to believe that changed as he did. Though the extent of that change i need to think on lmao.

For Steph I think I’ll have her start a little before Tim’s robin-equivalent, staying as spoiler, right after Damian leaves so it goes a bit before anyone notices.

Tim’s start here might be a bit tricky to speak on logistics, he starts as a nightwing character and i mostly want to keep in spirit with that, so Damian’s got to be the fixation here. There’s not really a signature flip that could reliably be imprinted in Tim’s memory but maybe it can be simpler. Like idk a kind act at a gala during Damian’s early years that made tim take notice of him, of a verbal/physical tell that one day robin-equivalent gets caught doing, idk- but now we’re officially in Tim’s stalker era.

A recap on where the rest of the vigilantes are, i think duke is rlly nice w the outsiders i kinda want him there lol Damian’s just abt to start his shounen battle arc and steph is slowlinh appearing on Bruce’s radar but as like, a minor villain.

Something something Tim tries to find Damian, can’t seem to manage to, ends up going to the manor to ask, gets halted by alfred, somehow ends up spilling everything he knows to bruce, ????? Profit -> he gets the mantle.

(A bit clunky, a but out of nowhere, sure, but considering I’m p sure that bruce called jason ‘robin’ the moment he decided to bring him home u can gleam that the man misses having a sidekick :////)

Steph’s story is intertwined with Tim’s for better or worse, and while i like her better when she’s striking out on her own i think tim trying to prove himself before official training by like, capturing her would be a serviceable segue into Bruce training them both. Or try to at least. Steph resorts to her own resources, Tim’s parents get poisoned in Haiti.

And now with Tim and Bruce- a rocky start on the vigilante side bcs well, he may have played the mentor role before but Duke’s a meta, Damian was a ready-made assassin, and Steph, although neither, was still noticeably more athletic than Tim is, its not a big deal, but his initial benchmark was already kind of screwed (would love for tim to still end up getting unplanned training from shiva, somehow.)

But bcs of circumstances that are oh so v different than the one in canon bruce has the patience to teach him firm but kindly 👍 and since Jack is still in a coma (or maybe just kill him off fr ://) they can form a proper healthy-ish bond.

Tim’s tenure in canon is prolific but also threads through the groundwork that Dick’s run paved, and i honestly dont know how well that would’ve faired without him vouching for Tim, but it could be interesting to explore how the dynamic duo’s perception changes with a robin-equivalent that places heavy emphasis on cooperation and is definitely more approachable than the last one. I would v much like to keep that aspect of tim that knows everyone lmao

Also young justice running around without the teen titans as a precedent sounds like a hilarious concept.

We’ll say Damian finds out when Jon brings up that his little bro Kon is in a team w the new-bat partner?? I didn’t know u had a new one?? So ofc Damian storms Gotham demanding an explanation.

And see, while i definitely believe that Dami would’ve grown as a character the lack of a Dick Grayson influence makes me think that maybe he still wouldn’t be above attacking a kid in righteous anger :///// and like, he’s pissed at Bruce of course, that name wasn’t his to give, but maybe it’s all the more worse just bcs of how,,, Tim Tim is. Took his name and changed it’s association, came into his house and became his father’s partner lowkey son in aspects that never came easy to him, and has the audacity to greet him with a smile????

Oh yeah Damian definitely hates Tim. Needlessly cruel abt the one definite edge he has over the kid. And like, poor tim :/// never meet ur heroes in any timeline i g.

But anyway!! Dami might move to Bludhaven, might be somewhere else or other, definitely not anywhere near Tim if he can help it. He should be there for all those big events though, although I’m not sure which ones to keep in. Maybe Tim and Steph can coordinate for No Man’s Land. Then enter Cass, who’s also gonna be in contact mostly w those two.

This is getting soooooo long but like, then Tim dies, because he has to. We’ll pull it to be a Joker Jr. situation and give everyone that good good character development. And then there’s Jason.

- The logistics for Jason becoming robin-equivalent is also real tricky, there’s definitely the factor of making bruce laugh via attempted robbery, but i think the actual nudging can be helped along by Steph, as like, a fellow crime alley kid, idk.

But well, Jason’s time in the mantle- unfortunately he yet again can’t escape the giant shoes of his predecessor, but al least now he has a full support system in the others. And so does Bruce, this time around. It’d be nice to keep that happy status quo for long.

Enter- ‘Tim wasn’t actually dead but take a guess on who wanted it to look like that so he can take him away.’ Anyways, you know the drill. Ra’s would definitely leverage his remolding of Tim against Bruce, but he wouldn’t send him back, probably. Tim’s at a low enough point to likely agree.

Maybe Tim also didn’t come out the pit right though, maybe his brains still fractured. He doesn’t come out the way ra’s wanted and although he kept trying, one day he could’ve decided to just throw tim back to gotham like a defective toy.

Should we give Tim a villain arc? It could be done, but it’ll always be rooted in duty and the belief of serving the greater good. If he does take it up it wouldn’t involve getting in trouble with the bats, or telling them hes back- unless of course, that serves a goal, but even if tim is jealous and resentful of jason getting things like damians approval and official adoption status his self-worth issues are more,,, the internalizing kind. The ‘batman needs a robin’ ethos stays true and nothing would be gained from hurting him.

A vague idea for Tim’s comeback schtick could be operating in plain sight as Drake Industry heir. Since there’s a vacuum of any oracle position he could also dabble around in that. Maybe as loose as his morals would be its still in the service of keeping batman and robin the symbols they are idk!!!!!

- All said and done we can have Dick as proper robin, coming into the house heartbroken and angry and looking for justice and like, early resonance with Damian and idk sometime after we do Batman RIP.

(But before that we get Jason’s sheila arc maybe, he’ll survive. We could potentially pull a Tim and have his friends die on him back to back to back but idk!!!! This might be getting too bloated!!!!)

On the romance side ty for letting me choose my ideal reverse robin au is probably a damitim LOL its the genuine hatred turned remorse,,,, the obsessive affection turned cold indifference,,,, the care of it all,,,,,

V easy to turn it into a jaytim too though, the lack of murder attempts probably also make it smoother snsnsnsbdbdbd good luck trying to convince baby jay that he’s in that league though lol (the annoying little brother to lovers that could be employed here is rlly cute tho,,,, regardless of anything id def want there to be crushing)

OOF OKAY THIS WAS REALLY LONG!!!!! IM SORRY!!!! I’ve always wanted to tackle this eventually but I haven’t finished my reading lists enough to confidently make timeline decisions djsnsnsns i hope this still read clearly, tysm again for coming in!!!

[pharahsgf]

i get that some of jc's attitude towards jl is supposed to be taken as him just being a cantankerous cunt but i think that even with that reading, fans miss the point that his attitude isn't cute or harmless. the framing of the scenes where jc berates jl; the music, the expressions wwx makes, the undercurrent of genuine fear/emotional pain on wwx's part, give the atmosphere a tense, heavy, almost awkward weight. jc threatening to whip jl w zidian (even IF both parties did know that would never happen) hits different when we've seen wwx be abused by that weapon. and knowing anything about jc's character at all, tells me it's not something he would joke about either nor something he would say lightly (the scene where he does it certainly doesn't feel jokey or light). whether he would actually do it or not, the intention of that threat is to intimidate jl. on a very base level, to instinctively threaten physical harm (even IFFF jc never "actually" did it) is pretty fucked up actually. and while jl is "comfortable enough" to talk back, mostly his response is actually to run away. and then there's that time where jl flinches back at the end, which he doesn't even do when he's about to be cut in half in the temple--it's either a trained or an instinctive reaction! also, the only other time we see that posture is when wwx is putting his hands up to protect himself from being hit. it's so uncomfortable and like the only semi-sympathetic reasoning is that jc wanted jl to be a little afraid of him and cultivated that fear through verbal threats and an outward lack of concern for jl's person. he probably does genuinely love jl and maybe he never actually followed through (the fact that this is extremely debatable doesn't look GREAT) but even so the results of his hand in jl's guardianship shows in how unhappy and dysfunctional jl is before wwx steps in and literally just goes "hey...i care about you and maybe if you were nicer you could have friends and be happier" and i haven't even gotten INTO jc encouraging jl to be violent towards others at the slightest provocation. how does no one talk about this

also just to add onto the last ask about jl and jc's relationship being a clusterfuck, isn't it weird how even before jl knows "mxy" is wwx, he doesn't bat an eye at jc whipping him in the street, surrounding him with swords, and taking him up to his room to be tortured/killed??? like this is just a thing jc DOES?? HELLO?

oh lmao i talk about this all the time but i'm literally not joking when i say jiang cheng is 100% responsible for jin ling lacking of any sense of self-preservation or humane thought processing in the face of genuine compassion from other people. like ofc jin ling was bound to suffer growing up in such a predatory environment without his parents but jiang cheng seemingly took zero steps to alleviate this and instead encouraged jin ling to center his identity around a tragedy he can't even remember, damaging jin ling's self-perception and ability to connect with peers just for the sake of validating his own grudges and individual trauma.

following wwx and jyl's deaths there is no one left to temper jiang cheng's reliance on physical violence so i'm sure he sees it as an accomplishment that he "only" defaults to threatening jin ling with harsh corporal punishment at the slightest provocation, but in reality he bullies and scares jin ling who nearly gets himself killed for the chance to gain a sliver of respect from one of his closest relatives. and that's not even touching upon jin ling's desensitised view of the violent assault repeatedly carried out by jiang cheng and how that may inform his opinion on how jiang cheng treats HIM

like there is so much shit about jin ling and jiang cheng's relationship that goes completely unaddressed so ppl can feel good about calling jiang cheng a dilf or whatever. jin ling's first scene literally has him trying to murder a visibly scared stranger just because jiang cheng told him to but it's clear we'll never be able to have a conversation about what the fuck was going on there because half the people on here will only acknowledge jin ling's existence to celebrate jiang cheng for selflessly raising his sister's baby despite the (checks notes) 5 seperate scenes where he beats the kid

[starkskypines]

lonely desert figure

Pairing: Din Djarin x Reader

Summary: Reader is a former Child of the Watch who left and now they’re a hunter working for Boba Fett (so this means reader has ARMOR), and they’re already fast friends with Fennec. Fett invites Reader to join the Daimyo, and Mando and Reader have a conversation about family. 

Warnings: contains CHAPTER FIVE Book of Boba Fett Spoilers

Word Count: 2.2k

A/N: Listen some characters might be ooc but it’s fine it’s fine i just want the ppl to actually talk about the things that are weighing on them. and yes, i know that daimyos or whatever don’t actually work like this but we can all pretend for the sake of fic

Also, this will probably have a second part at some point but idk when that will be. 

>>>

The silver beskar gleams in the late afternoon sunlight. He makes a lonely figure traveling across the desert only to come to a stop in front of a giant door that dwarfs his frame. He’s not a tall man to begin with. Taller than you, but only because of the armor, but according to everything, he never takes it off so he might as well be taller. It gives him a height advantage in combat, something you’d do well to remember. Not that you think you’re going to get into a fight with the famed Mandalorian, but, well…never say never. 

You twirl your knife in between your fingers as you watch him gain entrance into the Daimyo’s Palace. You haven’t been called down to sit in on this meeting. Fennec says that she’ll call when she has need of you, but that makes things boring. You haven’t had anything to do since finishing your tail of Mayor Mok Shaiz. You tend to make stupid decisions when you’re bored. 

You smirk and pocket the knife. None of those stupid decisions have gotten you killed yet. 

You leave your room and head toward the kitchen. Before you reach the turn, you make a right instead of a left. This will lead you up to the throne room instead of down to the kitchen. You hear voices as you approach and slow your movements. Gamorreans have excellent ears. You, however, are merely human, so you blink your eyes a couple times, activating the enhanced hearing device in your helmet. 

“I didn’t realize the Pykes had made such large inroads on Tatooine,” a modulated voice says. It’s unfamiliar to you, so you conclude it must be the Mandalorian. 

“After Fortuna died, they sought to fill the power vacuum.” Fennec speaks now. “Caused a lot of problems for a lot of people.” 

“Good people,” Fett adds. “People that shouldn’t have to live in fear or pay exorbitant taxes.” 

There’s silence, and you worry that someone’s noticed your presence but then the Mando speaks. 

“I didn’t expect you to rule like this.” 

Fett barks out a laugh. “You expected me to order people around and demand high taxes. I’m a bounty hunter. And besides my role is Daimyo, not Mayor.” 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” 

“He means that while we appreciate your help, you’re clearly running from your own responsibilities.” 

That statement intrigues you. The feared Mando, running from something? 

“What’s the plan?” the Mandalorian asks, clearly ignoring the unspoken question. 

“Well, it’s war,” Fett says. “So study the map, and tell me what your plan would be.” 

Map? You take a few cautious steps forward to peer around the corner. It’s pure bad luck that Fennec is facing you, and Fett and Mando have their backs to you, a map in between them. Fennec raises a brow as she meets your gaze through the helmet. It always unnerves you how she looks at you, like she’s looking at your eyes and not just a t-shaped visor. 

“y/n, care to join us?” 

Fett turns, and so does Mando. You step out of the shadows and straighten your back. You don’t think Fett will get angry with you, but he’ll likely send you away. 

“You’re Mandalorian?” Mando speaks first, surprise coloring his tone. Fett looks over at him but doesn’t speak, so you answer Mando’s question. 

“Yes.” You don’t mention the Creed. The abandonment. The strange one foot in one foot out life you lead with the religion now. 

“Like Fett?” 

You shrug. “It’s complicated. Used to be a part of the Watch. But I left,” you emphasize that last sentence. You won’t have him judging you for it. Not like Bo-Katan and her rebels did. 

The Mandalorian tips his head. “You left the Watch?” 

Fett looks back at Fennec, and you get the distinct feeling you’re missing something here. You take a few steps closer. “Daimyo, I know you’re talking about a plan to get rid of the Pykes. I want in.” 

Fett eyes you. You don’t know what his answer will be. You don’t even know if he knows you well enough to know that you will do whatever he says with complaining. You’re loyal to him. 

“Fine. You can join us.” 

You nod and move over to them, taking off your helmet as you do. You come to a stop on the other side of the map, next to Fennec. 

“Eavesdropping is rude, you know,” she says. 

“You know I don’t like being idle.” 

Fett motions at a portion of the map. “They’ve got strong guards, but we need to get to the leaders. Cut off the head of the snake and the body ceases to matter.” 

“We’ll need a distraction,” the Mandalorian says. “They’ll see us coming klicks away. Only way they won’t is if they think we’re already attacking elsewhere.” 

“I agree. That’s why we’re hiring muscle,” Fennec says. 

“I need muscle I can trust leading this,” Fett says and looks at both you and Mando. “People I know won’t betray me.”

There’s something underlying his statement as Fett looks at you. You’re about to apologize again for eavesdropping, but Fett continues speaking. 

“y/n, will you swear your loyalty to me. To protect my life and Fennec’s life above others. And know that I will do the same for you.” 

You know the surprise shows on your face. You’ve only been working for Fett for a few weeks. 

“You mean like a permanent position here?” you clarify.

“No. I mean as part of the Daimyo.” 

You see now what he means. Daimyo is akin to family. And you don’t quite understand why he’d gift you with that honor. 

“I don’t understand why you’d choose me, but yes, I will protect you and the Daimyo above everything. My loyalty is yours.” 

“And mine yours.” 

Fennec nods, a small smile on her face. “Good. Then you and Mando can lead the distraction.” 

“We have others that you’ll have to organize into battle and look out for betrayal. They’re loyal to money, and while I don’t think the pykes have outmatched us, it pays to be careful.” 

“Of course,” you agree, then point to an area on the map. “This looks like the best place to launch an attack. Public area, right on the Pyke’s front door. We’ll draw them out.” 

“Will the Pykes be suspicious at not seeing you leading the fight?” Mando asks to Fett. 

“The old leadership here never led a battle. It won’t surprise anyone,” Fennec answers. 

Fett shrugs. “For now the old ways will benefit us.” 

Mando nods and continues to study the map. “What’s our numbers?” 

“You’ll meet them all in two days time,” Fett says. “Gives us plenty of time to come up with plan. For now, let’s see about dinner.” Fett powers down the map. 

“Dinner?” Mando sounds confused. 

“Yes, the cooks should just about be finished,” Fett pauses. “I can have yours sent to your room, but you could at least join us for conversation.” 

Mando nods. 

You are rooted to your spot as you begin to understand Mando’s urgency around the question of leaving the Watch. He’s a part of it. You’re not sure how to feel about that. If he’s been silently judging you and finding you lacking this whole time, you wonder how the two of you will work together. You figure you can be business-like about it but what if he can’t? 

It’s a moment later that you realize Fett has left the room, and Fennec has moved to the door. The Mandalorian hasn’t moved and is staring at you. You raise your chin, but not a lot because he’s only slightly taller than you. 

“You left the Watch?” And it doesn’t sound like a judgemental tone of voice. It sounds like a genuine question that he really wants an answer to. 

“You’re part of the watch?” you ask. 

There’s silence. Your brow furrows as you consider the question he asked. 

“I did leave,” you answer. “There were experiences I wanted to have that were frowned upon by the Watch. And me and the Creed stopped being in agreement. So I left.” 

“You chose to leave?” and now he sounds bewildered. 

“Yes, and they made it a difficult choice. They were everything I’d ever known, but I met people who believed in other things. The Ashla and the Bogan. The current of the Viestar. Beliefs that were tied to places and paths, rather than rules and a certain way.” 

Mando is studying you, and you let him. He’s less imposing like this, lost as he stares at you. You’ve lived with people in armor for so long you know how to read them. He’s hurting and desperate to hear an answer that you don’t know how to form. But if you did you would because his soul is in pain and you hate to see it. 

“I–I broke the Creed.” 

And suddenly you understand. He’s been cast out. And he’s searching for a new way, feeling like he betrayed everything that he’s ever known, feeling like it’s all his fault. 

“What happened?” you ask quietly. 

“I took off my helmet.” His words are clipped. 

“Ah.” You look at him still wearing the helmet and see more than he’d probably like you to. “I can tell you want to talk about this but you don’t trust me, but you feel I’m the only one that might have advice.” 

Mando nods. 

“The Creed isn’t everything. Breaking it isn’t the end of the world, though I know it feels like it. Sometimes I still can’t take off my helmet. Sometimes I still find myself living by the words of the Creed. This is the way.” You look away because this part is hard, the honesty. “Its not really something you ever separate from. That feeling that you’re the one who’s betrayed everyone that ever loved you.” And now you turn back to him. “But how is it love to cast someone out for one mistake? How is it love to refuse to forgive?” 

You let those questions hang in the air. “They took you in. They raised you. They taught you everything you know, but that doesn’t make them right about everything. And it doesn’t make you wrong to have not followed their rules.” 

He doesn’t speak for a long time and neither does he move. You stay put because if he wants to leave he can and you won’t follow. Fennec and Fett are long gone to dinner, and he already knows where his room is. But if there’s something else he needs to say to someone that understands then you’re here for as long as it takes. 

“He wanted to see my face.” The words are broken into small pieces, delivered between breaths of air that betray unseen tears. “My…the kid. He wanted to see my face. And I knew I’d never see him again so….”

He doesn’t say anything else, and you give him a minute but still nothing follows, just the slight shake of his shoulders. 

“You had a kid?” 

Mando nods. “Grogu. A foundling. I had to return him to his kind.” 

“To his family.” 

“No.” And now Mando finally turns and walks away. You try to make sense of what he means by those last words, but it doesn’t mean anything good that you can think of. It sounds to you like he betrayed his kid by trying to keep the Creed and betrayed the Creed by trying to love the kid and in the end he lost both. 

You see now that it wasn’t just the desert suns painting Mando a lonely man. 

***

It’s not until after the Pykes have been defeated, and the celebrations have gone on long into the night that Mando talks to you about something other than strategies and strengths of Fett’s hired fighters. 

Fett is drunk, dancing with a tipsy Fennec. You don’t drink surrounded by variables, so playing guard and lookout and sober eyes tonight is not a chore. You are still having fun, seeing Fett and Fennec so relaxed. 

Mando steps up to your side, hands empty, fully armored. 

“We did good today,” you say, wondering if he will say anything at all. 

“So you’re staying here? With them?” He nods to Fett and Fennec. 

“Yes.” 

“You…They’re family?” 

You keep your gaze on Fett and Fennec. “Yes, I think they are. Strangely enough.” 

Mando is silent at your side. He catches a drunken Nikto and gently shoves him back on his feet. This Mandalorian is a strange mix of gentle and rough and it draws you in, makes you want to know everything about him. From the looks he’s received from several in the crowd, you’re not the only one. 

You turn to him and ask the question that’s been burning inside of you, even hotter than your attraction for him. “Are you going to get your kid back?” 

The t-shaped visor turns your way. “I can’t. He needs more than I can give him. But he’s safe.” Mando looks back out at the crowd. “That’s all that matters.”

“You know as well as I do that sometimes safety isn’t enough.” Now you look at the crowd of partiers. “Sometimes all you really want is to feel loved for being who you are, not for what you can do, what you bring to the table.” 

Mando is silent. You like that about him. That he thinks before speaking, weighs each word and determines if his breath is worth the formation of syllables. 

“Boba offered me a job. I need backup. Its in two days.” 

“What’s the bounty?” 

“Not a bounty. We’d be retrieving materials and goods.” 

You turn to him with a raised brow. “Sounds like you need muscle, not backup.” 

“I want to make a stop.” 

“And do what?” 

“Ask questions.” 

“Mando, buddy, I’m gonna need more information before I agree.” But not that much honestly because a trip with him sounds like a perfect way to get to know him better. 

“I want to see the kid.” 

Everything in you freezes. “That’s–that’s good.” 

“I’ll have to find him first. We’ll have to go to Chandrila.” 

“That’s the heart of the New Republic. We’re wanted hunters.” 

Mando only nods. 

You think over his offer. This doesn’t seem like a simple two day trip. It sounds like it might take weeks. And it’s the perfect chance to get to know him better. But if it’s a search for his kid, then why would he want to bring you along?

“Why me?” 

“Boba trusts you. And you have skill. And you already know about me.” His body language conveys his worry. 

You know you’re not going to make hardly any money on this trip. The only thing you’d gain is time with Mando. You wonder if he’s realized that and wants the same or if he just doesn’t care. 

“If I go, will you do something for me.” 

“What is it?” 

“Will you think about staying here, pledging loyalty to Daimyo Fett?” 

Mando is silent for a very long time. You have to break up a fight and stop the rabbit droid from picking pockets. And when you finally return to Mando’s side, it appears as if he hasn’t moved an inch. 

“I’ll think about it.” 

“That’s all i ask.” 

“You’ve only known them for a short time, how are you this sure about your loyalty?”

“When you’ve spent your whole life always on the edge of having a loving family, you learn to recognize the potential for it. You learn to see that love is expressed in different ways. And sometimes you just feel it. Call it instinct or Manda or the Force or whatever, but I’ve spent so long missing out that I’m not going to hesitate now just because it might end up in disaster. I’ll take what I can get for as long as I can get it.” 

Mando stares at you, swaying toward you, and then he takes a step back, looks away. He was hanging onto your every word. 

“You don’t have to live here to be family. I see how Boba treats you. He already trusts you completely. Fennec too.” 

“And you?” 

“Of course.” 

“I’d only disappoint.” 

You hum. “I don’t think so. Not with this family.”