#also am kind of in a Mood but i can’t even eat about it yet bc of my stupid non functioning thyroid

[scionshtola]

woke up with part of your world from the little mermaid stuck in my head for some reason anyway. cori is a disney princess bc they longed to leave home but weren’t allowed…

[quiet-admirer]

Devotion

As promised, here is a little excerpt from Chapter 3 of my current work-in-progress, an enemies-to-lovers M/M queer weight gain kink and feedist story, Devotion, about 2 hardcore punks in 1979 :) Enjoy!

The walk home from the 7-Eleven was tantalizingly, excruciatingly long at first, but once Ira threw out a “How d’you think that bassist tonight got tone like that?” they got to talking shop, and it was like Diego blinked and they were at his apartment door.

Diego flopped onto the futon with the box of SusyQs on his lap and unwrapped his third of the night while Ira unlaced his boots across the room.

“Want a drink? There’s beer in the fridge.”

Ira slid off one boot then the other and stood them neatly by the door. “I don’t drink. Or smoke,” he said with unrestrained disdain. “I don’t do anything. I’m not going to waste time and money poisoning my body and my mind. I want to actually experience my life.”

God, Ira being not only totally straight but also a self-righteous snob about it made so much sense that Diego didn’t know why he’d even thought to offer him a beer in the first place.

“I don’t. Grab me some mind poison, will ya?” Truthfully, he was more in the mood for a Dr. Pepper, but giving Ira a hard time was more satisfying.

Ira pulled a face. “Get it yourself.” He sunk into the couch next to Diego and nudged the box of snack cakes with his foot. “Keep eating, SuzyQ. When you get through this box I’ll order the pizza.”

Diego had never before met anyone who gave him a truly carnal desire to throttle them and yet at the same time kiss them to within an inch of their life. It was as if this one shorter-than-average man single-handedly generated so much irritation that it flooded Diego’s brain and had nowhere to go but to overflow directly to his dick. And somehow he’d also enjoyed every minute he’d spent with Ira in the days since they’d made up. Only Meena could’ve made Diego smile more than he had in the past few hours.

With so many opposing emotions flooding his veins, all Diego could manage was to stuff the cake into his mouth pointedly before retrieving both a beer and a Dr. Pepper for himself, and knocked into Ira maybe a little more than was necessary when he returned to the futon. It took him two more SuzyQs to feel levelheaded enough to resume his questioning.

“So, how does this eating part usually work? Do you handcuff me to the chair and make me eat? Blindfold me? Spoon-feed me like a baby? Am I supposed to act like I don’t like it – is making someone eat how you discipline them – or are you more of a praise guy? Or do you just jerk off while you watch?”

“Hm, well… Any of those, I guess. There isn’t one way to do it, everyone’s different. Just depends on what gets ya hard – and gets you eating, you know?” He looked at Diego thoughtfully. “You’re kind of creative, when it comes to weird sex stuff.”

“Thanks for specifying that the creativity is for weird sex stuff in case I got confused and thought you meant I was a creative person generally, or as, say, a musician.”

“You’re welcome,” Ira said with a nasty sarcastic smile. “With the guys I’ve been with, a couple of them did want me to tie them up and act like I’m forcing them to eat. That’s fine, I don’t mind that. My favorite is probably just feeding someone, though. So, basically I keep giving them food until they physically can’t eat anymore.”

“Huh, okay.” Diego was no stranger to that feeling, and it sure wasn’t a bad one by any means. He mulled the logistics over in his head. “Let’s try that. So, you’ll just keep handing me slices of pizza until I tap out?”

“Yep. And if you’re too full to keep feeding them to yourself but you want to keep eating, I’ll feed them to you,” Ira explained.

“Too full to keep feeding myself but want to keep eating…” Oof. Okay, this was sounding more and more like Diego’s kind of sex. “You know, I can really put it away under the right conditions, but… you’ve been with some serious eaters, huh?”

Ira laughed. “You could definitely say that.”

“And is there any roleplay or anything? Are there certain things you want me to say or things you want to say?”

He shook his head. “No roleplay the first time. Especially since you’re new to all this. I want you to get a feel for what it’s like eating that much. It can be a lot for some people.” Ira reached over Diego’s lap and retrieved the Dr. Pepper, and Diego let him even though it had definitely been for himself. Ira cracked open the can with a hiss and took a long gulp. “And you don’t just want to eat: you want to put your 30 pounds back on. But the thing about gaining a lot of weight is that it’s not like other pervert stuff where you can just put on a costume when you’re feeling horny; it’s not something you do here and there. You have to eat more on a regular basis.” Ira stood and paced halfway across the room before turning back again.

“Not everyone likes doing it this way – the eating a lot at once way. Some people prefer eating a little more at meals and snacking throughout the day,” he gestured in the air with his can of Dr. Pepper like he was a professor giving a lecture. “So, tonight we’re just seeing if you’re into this kind of eating. I’m going to be responsible for your weight gain, and– well, you already know putting weight on and keeping it on isn’t as easy as it looks, so I like to play to a guy’s strengths to get that to happen. That’s why I want to see what your real reactions are when we start out. We can add the fun stuff as we go.”

It sounded surprisingly sweet when Ira talked about it in a practical way and not just in a heat-of-the-moment ‘I’m going to be the one to put all this weight on you,’ cue evil laugh, kind of way. He was dominant in the sense that he was looking out for Diego; taking care of him. Not just fattening him up, but helping him gain weight. A dictator maybe, but a benevolent one, which on Ira was ridiculously endearing.

“I think I get it,” Diego smiled. “‘With great power comes great responsibility.’”

Ira looked at him with distaste. “Is that from the bible or something?”

Diego snorted. He grabbed the phone off the upturned milk crate beside the futon and shoved it into Ira’s chest. “Just order the damn pizza.”

Diego finished the first box of SuzyQs and they’d moved to necking on the couch by the time two large pizzas arrived.

Ira opened the first box but paused halfway through reaching for the first slice.

“Oh, you said you were into leather, right? Do you have gear, or– anything you wanna wear while we do this?”

“Oh. No,” Diego scrunched his nose. “It’s all too big for me right now.”

“That sucks,” Ira said, with actual sympathy. He picked up the first slice of pizza, pepperoni, and offered it to Diego. “Maybe I can help you out with that.”

Diego took as big of a bite of pizza as he could fit in his mouth before taking the slice from Ira. “Please do,” Diego said through a full mouth.

“You should try them on for me so I can see what we’re starting with.”

“Sure.” He crammed in the rest of the slice and stood, kicking a box out from under the futon. Still chewing, he dug in the back of the closet for his jacket and pants.

They weren’t anything fancy, no bells or whistles, just a pair of black leather pants and a simple leather jacket; vintage, but he took a sense of pride in them all the same.

Diego stripped, then pulled on the pants without bothering to unbutton them. Kneeling, he removed the lid from the box.

“Boots. Harness,” he pointed. He slipped the harness on, then the jacket, and stood again. He had to widen his stance a little to keep the pants from sliding down.

Ira had another slice of pizza in hand as he joined Diego in the center of the room. Same as the first slice, Diego took a bite as Ira held it up for him before taking it for himself.

Ira circled Diego like he was inspecting him, appraising him. It sent a little thrill through Diego’s stomach knowing that as fat as he already was, it was clear from some of the things Ira had been saying that he still thought of Diego as pretty small.

Good. Diego never wanted to be this size again. Ira had better get a good look now.

After a final turn, Ira hooked a finger in Diego’s waistband and tugged a little, exposing about an inch gap between the leather and Diego’s skin. He did the same with the harness: a hand-me-down from a guy who probably had about a hundred pounds on Diego, so Diego had already been on the smallest holes of the buckled straps before he lost the weight. It would be easy to have a bootblack add in another set of holes, but that thought always made this size seem long-term, permanent.

So here he was: harness hanging limp off his chest, leather pants loose through the thighs, shoulders and biceps not quite filling out his jacket. But he couldn’t bring himself to be self-conscious. Ira’s hungry gaze roaming over him, and the quickly vanishing second slice of pizza infused the buzz of potential into the air. The space between himself and his leather wasn’t feeling quite so large tonight.

Ira was smiling as Diego finished slice number two. “You look hot. I’ve never really been that much of a leather guy, but… you might’ve sold me.”

“You should see me when they actually fit.” He brought his hands to his hips and gave Ira a cocky smile. “My ass looks really great in leather.”

“Already does.” Ira stepped in. His hands slipped past Diego’s jacket, fingers ghosting along Diego’s sides. “I can’t wait to get you filling these out again. C’mere.” He dropped back down next to the pizza box and beckoned.

Diego shed his gear. He didn’t bother with a shirt but pulled on a pair of well-worn, comfy sweats – a larger pair; tonight was calling for eating pants.

He settled on the couch next to Ira, making himself comfortable.

“I see somebody knows what he’s doing,” Ira poked at Diego’s elastic waistband.

With a smile, Diego reached for the next slice.

[0nlythrowharrybeaux]

Young American - Part 21** (^?)

OK, I went against my entire plan and just had to split the last part into 2 parts because it was going to be way longer than I anticipated!

Full Series Masterlist is here

Warnings: unprotected sex, daddy/lg themes, slight degradation, breeding kink, and a baby glimpse of a pain kink. There's also a wee bit of sadness., but nothing hearbreaking.

WC: 18K

THERE'S A PLAYLIST FOR THIS ONE TOO:)

Don't forget to turn off shuffle!

… NOVEMBER…

“Do you think it’s a boy or a girl?” Rosa asked Y/N quietly with a smile as she tattooed the portrait of her hairless cat onto her forearm and Y/N smiled.

“I don’t know! I’m barely 7 weeks!” She giggled and chuckled.

“Right, but like you don’t have like a feeling?”

“Other than a little morning sickness, not really.” Y/N sniggered and Rosa laughed along quietly. 

“It’s kind of a bummer that you guys are leaving…” she sighed, “But at least I got tattooed by you before you left!” She said and Y/N smiled. She loved that about Rosa, she had a great ability to find the silver lining in things.

“Well it’s not like we won’t come visit and stuff or like you guys can’t visit us.” She said and Rosa smiled.

“True…but still, it won’t be the same without you guys around all the time. Rubbing your true and eternal love in our faces….putting all our love lives to shame…but whatever, I am happy for you guys.” She grinned.

“Thanks, girl.” Y/N giggled at her dramatics.

“How’s the feline nutsack coming along?” Vy asked as she came up and Y/N had to pull her hand away from Rosa as she hunched over and burst into laughter as Vy chuckled and Rosa scoffed and scolded Vy for her comments on her cat. “I’m sorry, but they’re literally so ugly and look like what I said. I hear they get greasy too.” She said with a disgusted look on her face.

“Everyone does…” Rosa defended.

“My dogs don’t.” Vy said and Rosa shook her head. “Anyway, your man sent me over to check on you.” Vy said to Y/N and she turned to her and giggled.

“Check on me for what?” She questioned.

“To see if you were planning on taking a lunch any time soon?” Vy said and Y/N’s eyes widened.

“Oh is it that time already?”

“Yeah, girl!” Vy said with a smile.

“Well can you let him know I’m nearly done, so I’ll just eat after I finish up here. I’m not all that hungry yet anyway.” Y/N smiled and Vy nodded. Not even a minute later she was back and sighed.

“He told me to remind you that you’re eating for two now so…”

“Just don’t go back, Vy. Chill here with us and we can all go to lunch together.” Y/N suggested and Vy chuckled.

“Sounds like a great plan.” She agreed as she pulled her stool over to Y/N’s station.

Harry had been so protective over Y/N and the soon to be baby growing inside of her. Considering his mum and gran were also around, she was living her most stress free life as the three of them and Julie were basically waiting on her hand and foot. It was pretty amusing to her. She was well aware that the first trimester was always the riskiest one and sometimes it just didn’t work out, so despite her excitement, she was trying to remain as emotionally neutral about this as possible for just a bit more. Contrary to what she’d told Rosa she did have a feeling about what the little thing inside of her would become. Something about it just…felt like a boy. And every time she’d picture the baby it was a boy, but again, because this was such a delicate stage in the pregnancy she just didn’t want to personify the baby too much as like an internal defense mechanism. She was half listening to Rosa and Vy’s conversation until she had finished up Rosa’s tattoo. Vy helped to wrap her tattoo up while Y/N cleared her station in preparation for her lunch break. When they made it into the break room to get their bags they saw Harry still waiting in the lounge.

“About time! What’re you gonna eat?” Harry immediately asked them and Vy grinned.

“Y/N said she’s in the mood for some top quality sashimi, so I think we’ll go do that.” Vy teased and Harry rolled his eyes at her and she giggled.

“Baby, for real don’t worry so much about me. It makes me anxious.” Y/N said to him as she came over to kiss the top of his head.

“M’sorry, I can’t help it.” He huffed.

“It’s OK, my love. I’m being careful, promise.” She assured and he nodded, “Did you eat?”

“Yeah, was just waiting for you to check in on you before I set up for my appointment.”

“Oh OK, well I think we’re just gonna get some tacos from across the street. Just text me if you want me to bring you back anything, OK?”

“Yeah, love.” He assured and she hugged around his shoulders and kissed the top of his head again.

“Love you. Be back soon.” 

“Love you most.” He responded and kissed her hand before allowing Y/N to grab her purse from the locker and Vy and Rosa waved goodbye to him as they left the lounge. 

“He has been so intense…” Vy commented and Y/N nodded.

“I mean, Harry in general is just intense.” She giggled, “But like…he’s wanted this for a really long time so I think he’s just being really protective of the asset.” She said as she gently patted her belly that quite literally just looked like her normal belly, she wasn’t even showing yet.

“I would be so stressed if someone was hovering over me like that.” Rosa said as they waited at the crosswalk and both, Y/N and Vy, glanced to Rosa with incredulous looks and she burst into laughter.

“Girl please, you’d live for the attention.” Vy said what they were all thinking and Rosa shrugged.Y/N would definitely miss this, she’d miss her friends from school and from the shop. Time was flying by way too quickly, they’d be leaving so soon and she felt like she needed to start making fresh memories with her friends, like this, just some time with the girls was really nice and was missed.

***********

All afternoon and well into the night, Y/N’s brain was spiraling as she realized that she’d been so wrapped up in Harry that she’d neglected her friends a bit and now she’d be moving to a whole other country and not really get to see any of them for a long time. She was overwhelmed with this feeling of sadness and regret at how quickly things were moving. Of course she wanted to go and she’d be so happy in England, she knew she would be. She loved London and she absolutely loved Harry’s family, but she also recognized that California was home for her entire life up until now. And realistically, she knew she wouldn’t fully feel at home in London for a while, it’d be a big adjustment. Maybe it was the hormones? But she couldn’t help it as her tears trickled down her face as she removed her makeup. She could hear Julie, Anne, Hillary, and Harry all laughing in the kitchen and she tried to focus on that and how nothing would really change because the people around her would be the same ones. But she would be so far away from everyone else… be so far away from her favorite places…it honestly had her feeling really sad.

“Hey baby, we’re setting the kettle. Do you want-” Harry stopped talking when he peered into the bathroom and saw her sitting on the toilet lid fully crying now, “Baby, what’s the matter?” He asked quietly as he shut the door and knelt down before her. She breathed in shakily as she got ready to explain her state to him.

“I’ve just been thinking about leaving all day and I’m…feeling really upset about it.” She shared and Harry tried not to take it personally as soon as the words left her mouth. He wanted to ask more questions before he felt upset or doubtful, but it made him sad that she felt upset about leaving to England how they had agreed and planned.

“In what way? Like what do you mean?” He asked as calmly as possible and she sighed shakily.

“Like I am uprooting my entire life. I don’t know why that just hit me today but it did! Like…come January we’re gone. Forever.” She said and he nodded.

“Right, but that’s what we agreed upon.” He said and she nodded through her tears.

“I know it is! But it feels too soon now. I don’t know how else to explain it. Like…I haven’t spent enough time with my friends, like even if I invite them to the wedding it’s not like they can save enough to plan a trip to another country for a wedding on short notice. Like…I’ve just been so wrapped up in us that I’ve kind of neglected everyone else.” She explained tearfully, “And I don’t regret everything we’ve shared together, so don’t even go there. I just wish I had…been more present for the other people in my life too.” She explained and as much as he was trying to not be hurt or upset by what she was saying, Harry definitely was.

“I don’t really know what I can even say.” He said softly and she could see that he was upset and she frowned.

“You’re upset.” She pointed out and he sighed as he stood up. Y/N dropped her face into her hands and sighed in defeat, “I shouldn’t have said anything. I’m sorry.” She shook her head and that made him even more upset.

“I mean, I think it’s better to know now that you don’t want to do this than when we’re already there.” He said and she shook her head.

“Harry, that’s not what I’m saying. I’m just saying that I feel like I don’t have enough time with my friends, that’s it. Like…to go out and have fun…like there are so many plans I flaked out on because I wanted to be with you and-”

“So it’s my fault?”

“No! It’s entirely my fault! Like I prioritized our relationship over everything else, which I mean, I’m happy about where we are today, but like…everything comes with a sacrifice and I sacrificed other important people for this. For us. And it’s just about me and my priorities and time management. Like I just wish I had more time, that’s all.” She elaborated and he sighed.

“It’s not like we’re never going to come back and visit…”

“I know, but like…when? We’re gonna have the baby and we’re gonna be busy for a while and like…it’s just not going to be the same ever again.” She shook her head. 

Harry knew that she would never abandon him or leave him hurt and high and dry, but this is what the conversation felt like. Like she was regretful of making this choice with him. Like she wished she had done things differently. Like being with him was going to change her life but not entirely for the better. He didn’t like that that was even a thought in her head.

“So you regret it.” He said sadly and she sighed.

“No! Like regret is not the right word… I don’t know, maybe it’s just the hormones…” she huffed as she wiped under her eyes. 

“Don’t shift the blame.” He said and she pouted.

“H, I’m not. I’m just saying that maybe I’m just suddenly so upset because I’m just overproducing them right now. Like I literally started to feel this way in the middle of the crosswalk while going to lunch with the girls!” She explained and he sighed.

“So what do you want me to do?” He asked and she shook her head.

“Nothing. You just asked what was wrong and I’m telling you, you don’t have to do anything. I just need to deal with these feelings. Like I want to spend more time with my friends before the holidays but like…your family is here now and I can’t very well bail on everything to just hang out with my friends. Like I just…I wish I had a little more time now, that’s all.” She explained and Harry sighed.

“I know that you’re really trying to not make this about me, but I still feel like it’s my fault somehow.” Harry admitted and Y/N sighed.

“Baby, it’s not. It just finally hit me that like…this won’t be my home any more.” She explained, “I think out of anyone you should be able to understand that.” She said and he rolled his lips together.

“I left under very different circumstances. I knew I needed to go because I was dying over there. Like I needed to do this for myself! You’re just leaving because you’re angry at your family.” He said and her frown deepened even further as her eyes welled up again. She swallowed the lump in her throat and bit down on the inside of her cheek to stop herself from crying, she exhaled shakily.

“Yeah…OK…” She said softly with a roll of her eyes and just stood up from her spot. They hardly ever had any arguments, but whenever they did it felt like they were just really personalized attacks and that scared her. How could he say that to her? That’s what she didn’t understand and in a way she was just brushing it off because she refused to believe that he would normally take such a low blow. “Can you just…give me minute to just get my makeup off?” She asked. “I’ll be out in a few.” She said quietly as her tears streamed down her face.

“Now, you’re upset.” He said and she sighed.

“Yeah, I really am but I don’t…feel the need to defend my feelings to you any more. You’re clearly not understanding what I’m feeling and you’re making it really personal and it’s not cool…” She said and he scoffed.

“Of course not! One day you’re crying in the backseat of my mum’s car because you love England so much and want to move with me and now you’re telling me you don’t want to go when we leave in a little over a month!” He whisper shouted, trying not to call any attention to their argument.

“That’s not…” she stopped herself, “You’re doing that thing again where you’re putting words in my mouth and flipping your issues on me.” She called him out and he sighed and shook his head.

“Fuck…You’re right.” He admitted through an exasperated sigh, “I don’t mean to. You know I don’t. But after hearing what you’ve just told me I’m kind of freaking out!” He admitted and she sighed.

“Well when you act like this I freak out!” She said to him and he reached for her hand.

“I’m sorry. I’m really sorry, what I said about you wanting to leave…that was really fucked up. I’m sorry.” He apologized right away, “You’re right…I just…like I hear what you’re saying but like…my brain is like…making it about me and like m-my…my insecurities.” He admitted and she pouted and just hugged him tight and he exhaled slowly as he hugged her back.

“I love you and it’s OK, I know it’s hard to like slip out of the mental framework you’ve been like reinforced into over and over again.” She said gently as she turned up to look at him and he nodded.

“I guess I’m just…scared that you’re regretting your choice or that you might change your mind.” He shared. That’s what it had been about this whole time.

“No. I don’t regret my decision to start a new part of my life with you, H.” She assured him, “Like this is wonderful, we’re in a good place and I think we’re going to get to an even better place with this move and the baby.” She assured with a smile, “It’s just scary for me too. Like…I’ve never even been outside of California until earlier this year with you!” She reminded him with a giggle, “Like…this is my home, it’s where my heart is. And where the people I love are.” She said to him, “And I just feel like I…like I didn’t appreciate it enough. I’m sorry for making it about you, like saying I got wrapped up in us-”

“No, I get what you mean like…I am quite clingy with you.” He admitted with a small smile and she smiled back at him.

“I like that though. I enjoyed it and every experience we’ve had until now! I just…wish I had included more of my friends in everything. Like…they know you a bit more now from like the random hangouts we’ve had but like, they didn’t properly get to know you and they don’t get to see why I’ve decided to just move my whole life to England after some guy that I was always complaining about just a year ago!” She said and he chuckled and shook his head. “And like…” she sighed as her smile faded, “My parents.” She said more solemnly and he furrowed his brows and nodded as he listened to her, “Like…a part of me wants to give them a warning that I’m leaving, but then another part of me just wants to keep them in the dark after what happened with my grandma.” She said to him, “Like…I’ve never been the kind of person to want to enact vengeance on anyone, but this feels like the perfect opportunity. But then I think, what if something happens to one of them and they can’t get a hold of me? Like I know they’re not the most open, but I still love them.” She whimpered now as she cried and he hugged her tight.

“Of course, my love. They’re your parents, you’ll always love them.” He assured her, “And like, I don’t know, maybe you don’t have to tell them that you’re leaving in person or over the phone. Maybe just write a letter. Share your thoughts with them? Tell them why you decided to leave.” He suggested and Y/N nodded as she considered that.

“Yeah, I think that would be nice.” She sniffled, “Cathartic too.” She added and he nodded.

“Exactly. And you can spend more time with your friends before we go, you know? My family will understand it.”

“I will.” She assured and Harry smiled.

“Good. I love you.”

“Love you.” She responded with a smile.

That very night Y/N wrote her first letter. She decided that she would write her parents a letter every day until her last day in the states. She’d have Julie mail it out for her or something. And as she finished writing her first letter she signed her name and then just quickly doodled a little plane at the bottom left corner at the page and a runway that stretched all the way across the paper and then she put it away. 

… JANUARY…

It was a few days into the new year and they would be dropping Anne and Hillary at the airport in a few days. Harry would be moving out of his apartment over the weekend and staying at Julie’s with her until he and Y/N left on the 21st. In just 3 short weeks Y/N would be living in another country. It still didn’t feel real, but she was more excited now. She felt better about leaving now because she had seen more of her friends through December, she’d even had them hang out a little more with Harry and they all really loved him.

Y/N had been really enjoying seeing how easily Hillary, Anne, and Julie had connected, it made her feel better about Julie deciding to move out to England as well. She and Harry had originally planned to let Julie stay with them, but she’d already overheard Anne ask Julie to come live with Hillary and her while she decided if she wanted a place of her own since it was just them two in Anne’s 4 bedroom home. And a few days after that she’d heard them already making plans about how Julie could decorate her room. So even for Julie, as crazy as this was, she was excited about this new step in life too.

And well, as for Y/N and Harry, they’d spent the holidays reading tons of parenting and child development and psychology books. They planned to discuss what each of them had found and wanted to decide how to raise their child, this was more his idea, because Y/N was sure that whatever her and his parents had done during their formative years had been right because she and Harry were pretty decent people in her opinion. Y/N was at the tail end of the first trimester and everything was looking good. Being 3 months, she knew that she’d start showing a bit more now. It was a lot more noticeable now, or at least it was to her and to Harry too. He just held her tummy so much when they cuddled now that he literally felt her growing a little more each day.

“Today the baby is officially the size of a…?” Harry paused as he entered the kitchen, demanding everyone’s attention with his question. He glanced from Y/N, to Julie, to his mum, and to his gran and they all looked at each other not really sure of the answer. His mum finally glanced to him and shrugged. “And you call yourself women.” Harry huffed jokingly and they just mumbled something about him being a pest before they continued talking over their morning tea. 

They were all only drinking fruit or decaffeinated herbal teas in solidarity of Y/N’s inability to consume caffeine, though Harry had caught her fervidly inhaling the scent of his freshly pressed, piping hot espressos a few times because as much as he wanted to support her, he caved after 3 days without coffee. He served himself breakfast before finding a seat next to Y/N and she smiled at him quickly.

“Want a bite?” He asked her quietly as the ladies were talking with each other.

“Yeah.” She smiled. “Get it like super syrupy though.” She requested and he smiled as he drown the little slice of pancake into the syrup as much as he could before feeding it to her, “Mmmthanks, baby.” She mumbled through her chewing and he just kissed the side of her head.

“What time is it?” Harry asked and Julie tapped her phone and glanced to him.

“A quarter to 10.” She said and Harry smiled.

“Perfect! So, I’ve got an announcement!” He said and they all glanced to him, “In addition to the humble Christmas gifts you ladies received I have actually scheduled an engagement / family Holiday photo shoot!” He said and they all glanced to each other with excitement, “It’s gonna be this afternoon,” he said and then turned to Y/N, “at our beach.” he said and she pouted with endearment, “We gotta go one last time before we leave.” he said and she smiled an nodded.

“Yeah.” She agreed softly.

“So, we’ll need to be out of here by 12:30 the latest! Bring a jacket, s’gonna be cold. The sun sets right before 5! Julie helped me get you all dresses.” He said and she grinned as they all turned to her, “So get all dolled up! We need to meet the photographer there by 2!” He said and they all started to chat about that. 

Y/N was the first to head off and get showered, of course, Harry had gone in after her and snuck in behind her. Despite his want to just eat her out until he was lightheaded, because pregnancy glow was truly a thing, they were on a tight schedule! Her hair always took her the longest to do and well she wanted to do a blow out for her pictures so she did that while Harry cleaned up and while everyone else showered. She knew she would end up doing everyone else’s eye makeup so as soon as she finished her hair and own eye make up she quickly got Julie’s eye make up done, then Anne’s, then Hillary’s, then she finished her own look. 

“OK, where are the dresses?” Y/N asked Julie as she came into her room.

“In here…” she said guiding her to the walk in closet, “This one’s yours.” She said handing over a dress in a black bag and Y/N smiled. “Do you want me to clean your ring so it’s extra shiny?” She asked and Y/N nodded with a grin, “OK, leave it on my vanity.” Julie said and Y/N slipped it off and put it down before going to get changed. She hurried to the bedroom and found Harry in his briefs buttoning up his light blue shirt and he glanced up at her as she rested her weight on the door to get it to shut.

“Can I help?” She asked and he nodded. She laid the bag her dress was in neatly on her bed and came over and kissed his chest before doing up his buttons.

“Have you seen your dress?”

“Nope.”

“I think you’re gonna love it.” He said and she grinned excitedly.

“I can’t wait.” She confessed, “Do you think it’ll show the bump?”

“Mmmm, no. We’ll see right now though. Do you want to show it off?”

“I don’t care, just wondering.” She said as she left the last three buttons unfastened knowing that if she did them up he’d eventually undo them. She then went over to the bag and got it off, she gasped and turned to him. “You helped pick this out?” She asked him.

“Why do you seem so surprised?” He asked, playing offended at her reaction.

“It’s just, you and Julie obviously know me way too well.” She giggled and he came over and looked down at it with her, “I would’ve definitely chosen something like this.” She assured and he smiled.

“Good.” He said to her and then kissed her deeply, “I can’t wait to marry you.” He mumbled against her lips and she smiled.

“I can’t either. I’m really excited that we’re doing these pictures before I get too big though. Thanks for this! And that we’re doing it here too. This is really thoughtful of you, baby. I love it. Thank you.” She assured and he kissed her once again. She got dressed and just did a few more finishing touches before they were getting into Julie’s car. Harry was driving and Y/N was up front with him. Obviously, it was the winter, so they hadn’t taken Anne or Hillary to the beach, but as soon as they got into the canyon they were both glancing around in wonder. The drive out really was breathtaking. Y/N would definitely miss this and she knew Harry would too, they spent a lot of their summer at the beach. So as they drove through she paid extra attention to the scenery around her and took many mental pictures of this place and the people with her.

“Oh wow!” Anne gasped as they made it through the canyon and Y/N smiled as Harry made a right up the PCH and they started to cruise up the coast. She then glanced to Harry and her heart melted.

Y/N wished she could just stare at him all the time, especially now because he was quite literally glowing. He looked so relaxed, so happy with the sun lighting up his eyes and highlighting the golden hues of his hair. He looked so. Fucking. Hot. She knew coming into the second trimester is when you start to get insatiable and it had already started for her. Anything about Harry would get her going in a heartbeat! Like now, how he looked like a literal angel, he was the brightest star, she swore it. She released his hand and glanced up through the mirror to ensure that the ladies were distracted enough before she gripped his thigh and slid her hand higher. She saw his lips quirk up in a grin before he grabbed her hand before it went too high and interlocked their fingers again. He shook his head and then shot her a playful wink which made her giggle. But as he laid her hand flat over his thigh and let his fingers caress and tickle her palm she started to get all tingly inside. She glanced over to him with a bitten lip and he just smirked. This drive would certainly feel long.

“We’re getting close.” Harry said after about another 20 minutes of driving. He started to slow down as they drove past a large rock formation and then Y/N pointed it out to them on their left. 

“Oh that’s just lovely!” Anne said as she saw the sycamore trees lining the beach.

As Harry got into the turning lane and went into the parking lot Y/N gasped in total shock when she saw everyone from the shop and her school friends all waving and cheering as they drove in. Harry parked right beside them and she turned to him.

“What is going on?!” She asked him through her laughter and he smirked.

“We’re actually getting married today. Surprise!” He said to her and her eyes immediately welled up as Anne and Hillary squealed in excitement and Julie chuckled as they applauded her for her ability to keep secrets so well. 

“Let’s give them a minute.” Julie said through her laughter and so they got out and left Harry and Y/N alone as she expertly dabbed at her eyes as to not ruin her makeup.

“I hope this is OK.” He said softly and she nodded and leaned forward and pecked his lips, “Like, I know we talked about how you felt like you didn’t get to make as many memories as you would’ve wanted with the people that matter to you. And you’re right about them having a hard time with coming to a wedding across the world so I figured we could have this with our friends from here. We could even do another with our family in England if you wanted to.” He said simply and she smiled. He said our family in England that made her want to cry even more.

“God, I love you so fucking much.” She said softly and he pecked her lips quickly.

“I love you too and I just wanted to show to you that I heard what you were saying before.” He said softly.

“Thank you, baby. You’re so thoughtful. Thank you for understanding this really is the best surprise. It was killing me to wait any longer if I’m being honest.” She said with a bright smile.

“Same.” He confessed through some laughter, “Well there’s another surprise and that is that Julie is officiating.” He said and she shook her head.

“I’m gonna cry the whole time…”

“You can’t! The pictures and the video…”

“I’m too hormonal for this! Like I want to hold you and jump your bones and then I want to just curl up in a little ball and cry all at the same time!” She explained through a chuckle.

“Oh, there will be time for jumping bones.” He assured her with a playful smirk and she giggled, “We’ve got plans tonight and tomorrow night. So after this, we’re gonna have a nice meal with everyone and then enjoy a mini honeymoon. I do owe you a proper one but-”  

“Baby?” She pouted with a heart so full of love she felt like she might burst.

“Yes, my love?” Harry asked her as he cradled her face in his hand.

“We’re getting married.” She said with a big smile and he nodded firmly once, his own smile was bright and dimpled, “Like, right now!” She added and he nodded again, “I love you. So much. This is already the best day of my life.” She said softly.

“I love you.” He hummed before he leaned in and kissed her lips quickly, “Let’s do this.” He said softly and she nodded.

As soon as they made it out of the car her friends all cheered for them and came over and hugged them. There really was a photographer and a videographer there to capture each moment. Especially as they made their way over to the beach where they would have their little ceremony. Their friends had all brought their own little picnic blankets and some lounge chairs for Anne and Hillary which they set up right before Julie as Y/N and Harry had a few pictures taken before they went up there with Julie who was smiling so wide it looked like it hurt.

“Ready?” She asked quietly and they both nodded, “Welcome everyone!” She greeted with a smile, “I really won’t say too much because well, I think if you’ve spent more than 5 minutes with these two you’d see exactly what love is supposed to look like.” She said and they both smiled at each other, “When I first met Harry he had been an unexpected guest, Y/N had looked after him after a rager at Vy’s.” She said pointing to her among the guests and she giggled, “He was so terribly sweet, I liked him right away and after that he just…kind of kept showing up!” She said and everyone chuckled, “And Harry, you integrated yourself into our lives so seamlessly with your kindness and thoughtfulness. You brought so much joy and laughter and fun to our lives, but mostly to Y/N’s. You brought out a side of her that really just made me so happy to see and I’ve just been able to witness first hand how your care and love for each other has transformed you both into the best versions of yourselves. And well, Y/N has always had a really big heart, so I wasn’t surprised that she had wanted to make sure Harry felt like he had a home here, but this was so different. You literally just light right up when he shows up, it’s the most adorable thing.” She said to her and Y/N rolled her head back to prevent her tears from falling, “It’s such a pure love that you have for each other. Your family and I were talking about how you’ve both seemed to have perfectly filled the void you’ve had and it makes us so happy to see that you’re being loved like you deserve. You’re gonna have your own family soon-”

“Team girl!” G called out and everyone chuckled.

“I am team girl as well.” Julie confessed through a smile, “But ummm, I’ve seen the give and take, I’ve seen the squabbles, I’ve seen the hardships, the joys, and also the determination. I mean it’s crazy how much can happen in just a year, but what you two have, it’s the real thing. It’s the thing that so many people wait their entire lives for.” She said and Harry squeezed Y/N’s hand as he nodded in agreement with Julie. “And I love you both so freaking much and I am so grateful that I’m gonna get to see this pan out for a long, long time.” She sniffled, “So without further ado…” she said reaching into her dress’ pocket, “I actually have to say this bit to make it legit.” She explained as she also pulled out another ring box and handed it to Harry, everyone laughed softly at her words and fell silent before they said their vows. It felt surreal to be staring into Harry’s eyes while he stared back and they promised each other all the love, support, and respect in the world as they exchanged wedding bands. 

“Well, here’s to forever.” Harry said softly to her and Y/N couldn’t even wait before she leaned in to kiss him. He cupped her face in his hands and kissed her deeply as everyone clapped for them. It wasn’t anything fancy or elaborate, but it was completely genuine.

“I love you so much.” She mumbled against his lips as they pulled back with big smiles.

“I love you too. I always will.” He assured her softly. 

They had some snacks at the picnic tables which G had brought to feed people while they greeted and took pictures with their friends and family. They hung out there for a bit before Harry announced where they’d meet to get some dinner and they all started heading off. The sun was starting to set at this point and it was getting colder.

“Ready love?” Harry asked as he came up to her and she looked up at him, her feet in the warm ocean water.

“Just one more minute, yeah?” She asked and he nodded and wrapped his arms around her and exhaled as they just looked out at the ocean as the sun started to set. “Baby, thank you so much for this.” She hummed and he smiled.

“Like I know it wasn’t like all that formal or-”

“I mean, but we’ve never really been all that formal either.” She said said and he chuckled.

“I suppose not…”

“It was perfect.” She assured him, “Was it legit though?”

“Oh yeah, Julie has a friend who works at the courthouse, they got us the license application, we just need to sign it and send it in.” He said and she giggled.

“You guys thought of everything…”

“We really did. We’ve been cooking this up since right after Thanksgiving.” He said and she shook her head.

“You guys are sneaky.” She hummed in amusement and he shrugged.

“It had to be done. I just couldn’t wait and I also thought a lot about what we talked about, with you feeling like you hadn’t made enough memories with your friends. I want them to be part of that too.” he admitted and she smiled.

“I’m glad you didn’t wait. It was genuinely perfect.” She hummed as he kissed the side of her head.

“Ready, love birds?” Hillary called out from beside the car.

“Ready!��� He shouted and guided Y/N back to the car and soon they were heading off to the restaurant as well. 

It was nice to see the huge table decorated with a few pearlescent balloons and some simple centerpieces, she spent plenty of time chatting with her friends, introducing them to each other properly, it was all extremely fun and so special. The evening felt magical, everyone had a few drinks in them, apart from her and Harry (that was one thing he did stop doing along with her since giving up his caffeine was out of the question), and it was full of joyful chatter and laughter. Then she recalled that she hadn’t written her letter for the day, and that made her think of her parents, and she wondered if he had invited them. She turned to him and waited until he had finished talking to Auree’s girlfriend about something before she captured his attention.

“Baby?” She asked quietly.

“Yes, my love?” He asked as he turned to her with a bright smile.

“Can we ummm…can we talk? In private?” She asked and he looked at her skeptically, “I’m not trying to get in your pants. Well not yet at least.” She added in with a grin and he chuckled.

“Yeah, let’s go up front, yeah?” He suggested and she nodded. “We’ll be right back.” He assured everyone as they headed out of the private dining room they were occupying and as they passed by their waitress Harry let her know it was time for dessert and she nodded and assured him she’d get that going in the kitchen.

“What’s for dessert?” She asked with intrigued eyes.

“Chocolate lava cake.” He smiled at her and she gasped.

“Oh my god…OK, I can’t wait.” She assured and he chuckled as they made it out front. They were stood by one of the heating lanterns so at least they were warm, but a certain cold feeling still crept into her chest.

“So what did you want to talk about?” He asked her, feeling a bit nervous because why did she have to do this privately? Maybe she wasn’t as happy about this surprise elopement as he thought? Maybe he’d gone too far?

“So after we spoke back in November about how I felt we were moving away too soon?” She reminded and he nodded, “I took your suggestion. I decided to write my parents letters up until the day we left and they’ve been about what’s been going on with us, how we’ve been preparing to head over, what our plans are. And like…I’m just wondering if they know we got married or if I should like…be a little tactful with the letter I’ll write for today?” She asked him and he nodded in understanding at her question. He wanted to give her good news, but it was his duty to be honest with her. The truth hurts sometimes and…well he knew this one would really hurt her.

“Ummm…th-they know.” He said to her and he saw the sparkle leave her eyes before she looked away and took a slow breath, “Baby, I got both your parents’ numbers from your phone. I figured maybe they’re cautious with numbers they don’t recognize so I left messages and then I sent texts just so they would go ahead and listen to the voice mails.” He explained and she nodded, “I ummm…I got a text back from both numbers after a few days, it said to not call anymore and that they’re disappointed to hear about it.” He said and she choked on a sob that she wanted so badly to keep trapped in her throat and he wrapped her up in his arms, “It was the same exact message, so I’m sure your dad…maybe had your mom send the same thing as he did. He got back to me first. I’m so sorry.” He said quietly and she just squeezed around him, “I was going to tell you, maybe tomorrow afterwards, but I should’ve told you before instead of letting you wonder about it all day and ruin things-”

“There’s a reason why I asked until now, babe. I hadn’t even thought of them until I thought that I don’t have the stuff to write my letter tonight. The day has been wonderful H, believe me. I couldn’t have been happier. You’ve made me so incredibly happy.” She assured him as he wiped her tears with his thumbs.

“You positive?”

“I am. I promise you, hubby.” She said with a smile and his smile widened.

“S’gonna feel so good to refer to you as my wife. Been calling you that in my mind for a while now…” he said and she smiled, “Just…when you know, you know, I guess.” She shrugged slightly.

“I love you, Harry.” She said softly, “Thank you for thinking of everything. And maybe it didn’t happen how you hoped it would, but you still thought to include my family and that’s more than you even should’ve done after the way they’ve behaved towards you.” He shook his head.

“Of course love, they’re your family.” He said.

“Well, now you’re my husband and we’re having a baby soon so…we’re our own family now. And you don’t have to think about my family anymore. I know you…and I know that deep down a tiny part of you might feel responsible for this falling out,” she said and he sighed, “but you’re not. It’s been a long time coming. It’s what they do.” She said to him and he nodded, “Thank you for trying though. That means everything to me, especially after the way my father treated you. I just want you to know that you don’t have to try and fix it, it’s in their hands now.” She said and he sighed and nodded.

“I just had to try and make it right.”

“I know, my love. You’re the best man I’ve ever known.” She smiled at him, “I don’t want you to feel like the rejection happens because it’s you. So if there’s anything that ever needs to be communicated to them I can do it, OK? I don’t want you to have to deal with any unpleasantness just because they’ve got some sticks up their asses.”

“But your mum might-”

“She’s complicit, H. That’s what’s most hurtful about her actions. I’ve seen my dad and his side of the family shun people like this my whole life so I knew he was capable of that, but my mom? She’d just…rather lose the rest of us than lose him.”

“Hmmm…”

“Yeah. But again, thank you for thinking of them despite everything. Makes me love you even more.” She smiled and tip-toed to kiss his lips.

“Course, love.” He assured with a kind smile, “We can drop by the house to pick up your stuff for your letters?” He offered.

“It’s alright. I can write it on my notes and then just transcribe it.” She assured him and he nodded.“Be honest with me, is there anything about this that scares you?” She asked him and he bit his lip and nodded.

“Yeah, of course.”

“What is it?” She asked and he sighed.

“Just that…the love will somehow run out? Like I’ve seen so many couples that seem like they’re perfect but then they just haven’t loved each other for ages and hate what marriage did to them and like…I guess if you ever felt like we were heading down a path where you find the person you fell in love with is disappearing please tell me. Or even if it’s got nothing to do with me and you just start to lose feelings or…I don’t know, the magic dies…” he said and she nodded as she listened.

“How about this, lets promise to always speak honestly and listen to each other. You know how in Ted Lasso they say Oklahoma to like…basically just tell each other truth no matter how it comes out?” He nodded, “Like that. Let’s have that. And I mean, one thing I learned from my parents is that they always made time for each other. They’d go on dates, they’d have alone time, they’d take vacations together…like, let’s not let ourselves forget why we decided to do this.” She said and he nodded.

“Yeah, I like that.” He agreed softly.

“I promise you that if anything like that is going on with me or us I will tell you the truth. Obviously with as much love and tact as possible.” She said and he smiled, “But you tell me as well, OK?”

“I will, baby. Do you have any fears?” He asked and she nodded.

“Yeah, the same one as you. Like what if this just somehow doesn’t work out, but I mean, the fact that we’re even bringing this up on our wedding day somehow tells me it’s gonna be just fine.” She said and he smiled, “And ummm…s’mostly my family. That like…they’ll not be a part of our lives ever, like that they won’t come around. It’s almost like I’m grieving them before we go.” She explained.

“Yeah, I can see how that would be the case.” He said as he grabbed her hands.

“Like one day I’m fine and just accept that this is how things are and I feel OK with it. But then later I feel angry about it, or like totally in denial, or wondering if there’s anything I can do to fix this…but I think the more I write those things down the more it helps me feel relieved from it all. Like, I want to include a copy of the next sonogram in the letter, just so they’re aware that we’re having a baby, you know? I haven’t written about the baby at all yet, just in case…I mean, that was a huge fear I had for a while there. That something would happen and I’d lose it.” She said and he frowned.

“Baby, why didn’t you say anything?”

“Because you were so excited and everyone was being so protective and all, like I didn’t want to make you all feel bad for fussing over me all the time. Like the fact that you guys were caring so much made me feel better about not getting too attached yet.” She said and Harry seemed even more upset by that.

“Oh baby, I’m sorry you had to deal with that all on your own.” He shook his head.

“It’s OK, I do wish I had said something, but I think I was able to have some good internal conversations about why I was so scared to just…be happy about this.”

“And what’d you come up with?”

“It just goes back to my family. Like what if our child estranges themselves from us? Or what if we do something wrong and fuck him up?” She asked and he smiled a bit. “What’s funny about that?” She asked and he shook his head.

“Nothing at all. You just said “him” when you referred to the baby.” He pointed out, “Do you think it’s a boy?” He asked and Y/N smiled a bit as the topic seemingly shifted.

“Yeah, I do.” She confirmed and he smiled wider.

“I do too! Like I had a dream about it and maybe it’s because Archie was just so attached to you that you with a baby boy is like the image in my mind, you know?”

“Yeah, I get it. But I mean, as the parents I think in a way we have a connection that just…makes us kind of know if we really tune into it all.”

“Mmmm, yeah. Could very well be true.” He hummed his agreement, “But back to what you were saying before…we’re not gonna fuck up our kid, there’s absolutely no way. And like…maybe one day your parents will come around and we’ll feel good about introducing them to our family and they’ll see that we had everything we needed to start our own family.” He said and she nodded.

“Yeah. You’re right.” She said and he smiled.

“And I mean…I can’t imagine how much it hurts to be dealing with so many big moments and not having them here with you, but they’ve chosen to let you go, baby. Like it hurts me to say that to you, but that’s what they’ve chosen.” He said and she nodded.

“I know.” She sniffled and he kissed her forehead.

“I feel like you’re being dragged along, you know? Like you’re holding on, hoping that they’ll give you a glimmer of hope or something, but sometimes letting go is the best thing. Like…they can’t hurt you if you let go too.” He said and she nodded.

“I know, baby. I know.” She sighed shakily.

“I just want you to know that I’m here with you every step of the way. Like you said, it’s almost like a grieving process and like…I don’t care if we talk about it one time or one billion times!” He said with a smile, “I will hear you out and walk with you through the hurt and the disappointment and hopefully the recovery of your relationship with them. I’m hopeful too, baby. I want that for you, I do. So please, never feel like you talk about it too much or like it’s stupid to bring up, OK?”

“Thank you, baby. Thank you so much.” She whispered as she hugged him tight.

“Of course, my love.” He hummed as he rubbed her back gently, “So you really think it’s a boy?”

“Yeah. I picture a boy too.” She confessed and he smiled, “If it is, maybe we can name him after your grandpa. I know he meant a lot to you.” She said and he pulled back.

“Are you sure?”

“Of course, I’m sure. Apart from you, I don’t know of any men I would want to name a baby after.” She assured and he cringed.

“And if it is, I will most definitely not have a Harry jr.” he assured with a slight grimace and she laughed.

“Not even the middle name?”

“No.” He said firmly and she giggled.

“Alright, no jr’s.” She assured with a grin and he dipped down to kiss her lips.

“Also, whenever you’re ready to go just say the word. Auree’s agreed to drop our family at home.”

“Oh, OK.” She grinned, “Then…let’s go eat our cake and then say goodbye?” She asked and he smirked.

“You horny, little thing.” He mumbled against her lips as he playfully swatted her bum and she laughed at his playful jab.

“Like you’re any better.” She countered and he sniggered, “C’mon.” She said and they made their way back inside.

----Wedding Outfits----

They only stayed another 30 minutes before they headed off to their hotel room. And well Harry had delivered, the place was beachfront in Santa Monica, bordering Venice, and it was absolutely gorgeous.

“You’re all checked in. Enjoy your stay and congratulations.” The man behind the counter smiled at them.

“Thank you so much, good night.” Harry said and Y/N smiled before she followed after him into the elevator. 

“I can’t believe you packed up all this stuff and I didn’t notice it was missing.” She laughed.

“Well a benefit of you leaving your clean laundry piled on the desk chair in your room. I just took a couple things here and there over the last few days.” He said and Y/N laughed and shook her head. “And while you got dressed Julie swiped your makeup bag from the bathroom so that’s in there too.” He assured and she chuckled.

“Well thank you for thinking of everything.” She said with a happy smile.

“Course, my love.” He hummed as the elevator slid open. He took a moment to look at the signage, “This way.” He said guiding her to their room, they were just down the hall and soon he was keying their way in and held the door open for her.

“Oh! It’s so cute!” She gasped as she headed inside and immediately started to look around, “Look at this! We can watch the sunset while we have a bath.” She cooed as she turned to him and he smiled.

“I know!” He chuckled, “I’ve also booked us massages and manicures for tomorrow after lunch. We could use a little pampering.” He said with a smile and she grinned.

“Wow, baby. Thank you, I love this.” She said from the bedroom now and as she made her way to the balcony she cooed again as she swung the doors open and saw the set up of champagne, candles, and roses set out on the little table.

“Now that I didn’t do.” He chuckled and she giggled.

“A sweet gesture nonetheless.” She hummed and he nodded.

“I’m just going to call them to just take the bottle back. S’a pricey one.” He said and she nodded.

“Yeah, but first a kiss.” She pouted and he smiled and wrapped her up in his arms and kissed her sweetly, dipping her down quickly. Their permanent smiles kept interrupting their kisses.

“Sorry,” he chuckled. “M’just so happy.” He said and she grinned.

“Me too, H.” She whispered.

As soon as Harry let the front desk know that they weren’t drinking since she was pregnant the manager apologized and instead decided to comp their meals for the next two days - whatever room service they wanted, free of charge. Harry assured them it wasn’t necessary, but Y/N was quick to scowl at him and Harry chuckled quietly as the man assured him that it was fine. And well in the situation they would soon be in, saving some money couldn’t hurt.

“I can’t believe you almost turned down free food…” she said as soon as he hung up and he chuckled.

“It’s gonna be more than the champagne bottle! Was just trying to be honest.” He reasoned and she scoffed.

“So? They offered and besides, this is basically your dream come true for me, Mr. ‘You’re-eating-for-two-now’ Styles.” She reminded and he chuckled. 

“Yeah, yeah, go get cleaned up, Mrs. Styles.” He said guiding her to the bathroom as she swooned at the reminder that a name change would be coming soon. 

So with that Harry started to set up the tub while Y/N had a body shower and then he hopped in as she settled into the warm and bubbly tub. When she heard the shower door open she peered over at Harry emerging from the shower, dripping wet in all his naked glory. Fuck was he a sight to behold. She bit her bottom lip as he slicked his hair back and out of his face.

Harry could feel Y/N’s eyes on him and he was wanting to milk her gawking and attention for as long as possible. Finally, his eyes met hers and he smirked, making her blush when she realized that he knew she’d been checking him out this whole time. He couldn’t help it as his cock started to stiffen up at her salacious stare and at the mental image of the incredible sex he was about to have with her. With his wife. It made Harry’s heart pound erratically and for his stomach to flip and flutter with excitement and pure zeal and anticipation.

“Make space, yeah?” He asked her lowly and she scooted forward, hugging her knees to her chest as he climbed in behind her and then finally rested his back against the wall of the tub.

As soon as he was settled in she leaned back into into his chest and his hands circled around her midsection immediately and he rested his chin on her shoulder. She smiled as he exhaled slowly. She could feel his leg hair slightly tickling against her bare legs and she could also feel how hard he was getting. She had been waiting to feel him like this all fucking day and as much as she loved how soft he’d get with her sometimes, she was craving him in the horniest way right now. She put her hand over his, letting her fingers fit in the gaps of his and wordlessly guided his hand down to her folds. She felt him chuckle softly before he kissed her shoulder and quickly found her clit to rub into leisurely.

“Right, been waiting half the day, haven’t you?” He asked and she nodded. “Been so good for me. So patient, haven’t you, babygirl?” He praised her lowly and she smiled.

“Yes, daddy.” She hummed breathily as he added a bit more pressure, causing her toes to curl. She sighed in relief as his other hand came over her breast and kneaded at it for a few moments. She whined softly when he pinched at her nipple, she was so tender lately and she glanced down to see it immediately peaked. He was grinning at just how sensitive she was as he steadily built her up for an orgasm with a combination of that and his consistently delicious rubs over her clit. 

Harry could feel Y/N’s body wriggling and then tensing up against his with every passing minute. The pleasure she was feeling was winding her up towards an orgasm. It was making her breathing hitch and her legs to twitch as she fought to keep them open for him to continue playing with her pussy. Her whimpers started to get more and more consistent as she approached her climax and just as she was about to topple over the edge he just cupped over her pussy and she whined lowly and ground against his hand as the feeling started to fizzle, he smirked in response. She knew better than to complain so she just exhaled shakily and rested her weight against him and after a few seconds he started up again, he built her up so close…

“Don’t let yourself come yet. Keep holding it, baby…” He instructed “If you’re close to coming tell me OK? Can’t have that yet.” He warned and he kept going until a desperate groan crawled from her throat and he abruptly stopped rubbing and she relaxed, “Good girl.” He hummed mawkishly and she huffed.

“You’re going to kill me one day. Should’ve gotten away from you while I had the chance.” She joked quietly and he tutted.

“Don’t say that.” His deep voice grumbled seriously, “Besides, you can’t escape me now. You’re bound to me for life considering that not only are you my wife now.” He said as he tickled her sides and she giggled a bit, “You’re also the mother of my unborn child so…better start getting used to me and my antics because I think we’re in this for the long haul, wife.” He said and she giggled.

“You’re so annoying.” She hummed playfully and he grinned.

“Who else would I annoy if not my own wife? Hmmm?” He asked with a gentle pat on her inner thigh before he ran his hand up to the crease between her legs again, he could feel the different consistency of her arousal at her entrance despite them being immersed in the water. He felt her body tense as he added more pressure again and sunk a single finger into her, it was purely for his own purposes as he dipped it in and out a few times just to feel how hot and wet she was for him. Once his finger was all sticky with her arousal he slid it up to her clit again and rubbed it lightly as she wriggled a bit. She sighed as he kissed her neck. “You OK? Can you handle a bit more?” He asked softly and she nodded, “Your words, babygirl. Use your words for me.” He reminded.

“Yes, daddy. I can handle more.” She assured and he smiled.

“Of course you can. Always so fucking good for me. Such a slut for my cock, aren’t you?” He teased as she whimpered a response, “I love that you get greedy, means you know that I can give you what you want. Does daddy give you what you want?” he questioned her, “Tell me, baby. Tell me how spoiled rotten you are.” He hummed as he started to rub her clit quickly again until once again her legs were trembling.

“You’re so good to me, daddy! You give me more than anyone deserves, I love you so much!” she keened, “Oh daddy, it feels so good!” she whimpered as she kept herself on the edge like he wanted but she was slipping and her body was so tense and she couldn’t stay that way anymore, her muscles would surely ache the next day. Good thing they’d be heading to the spa. 

“Are you close?” he asked.

“Yes! So close.” She whimpered when he stopped.

“Want to come on my cock?” He asked and she nodded.

“Yes, daddy.”

“M’kay, my love. Turn around f’me.” He said softly and she did so right away. She was facing him now, hovering over his lap. His cock was so heavy, he had to hold it up for her to lower herself onto him. They hadn’t had sex since before Christmas, it’d been weeks and that was way longer than they’d gone in a long while quite frankly. Her voice quivered with a whine as she tried to sink down hard onto Harry’s cock, he was so big though. He didn’t fit as easily as before and the stretch, though uncomfortable, was exactly what she was hoping to feel.

“Hey, hey, hey, slow down, baby. Take your time, don’t wanna hurt you.” He said softly and she sighed in despair.

“I just need to feel you inside.” She mumbled against his mouth, “S’been way too long. Need you inside. Please, jus’get inside.” She whispered desperately and he smiled.

“Yeah, s’been too fucking long but still, take it slow we’ve got time. All night if you want it, babygirl.” He assured her and she nodded. He rubbed her clit to relax her a bit more and she started lowering herself slower, “Good girl.” He said and she just hid her face in his neck, moaning softly and relaxing in his hold when she’d finally seated herself completely and had his entire cock in her pussy. Harry gently thrust up as she ground herself against him. Her lips parted around a moan as she started going a bit faster. “Baby, look at me. Please look at me.” He panted and she reared back and pressed her forehead to his before kissing him passionately, “Fuck.” He grunted into their kiss with a smile as he went harder, causing the water to start sloshing around their bodies. She was still whimpering and speechless at how deep he felt and she pulled back to look into his eyes like he had asked. They were both looking hazy and completely gone. Both in a complete lust-filled daze.

Every time his thick shaft would delve into her sopping pussy she felt like melting in his arms. It made her legs feel like jello and like she couldn’t breathe properly. The consistent cadence of his thrusts and of his rubs against her clit were building her up quickly and she just wanted to feel the delicious tingles of an orgasm possessing her once again.

“Fuck daddy, y’feel so good!” She mewled against his mouth, “Forgot how deep y’can get.” she breathed and he tutted.

“S’not good. I’ll make sure there’s no forgetting ever again.” He huffed and she kissed his lips softly, “But carefully, of course.” He said as he slowed down and glanced down at the very slight bump between them.

“Right…” she hummed with breathy giggle.

“You’ve made me the happiest person alive. Did you know that?” He asked and she smiled timidly at his intense eye contact. “Made a lovesick husband and dad out of a chronic grump.” He smiled and she giggled.

“We really did this…like I’m your wife.” She said with a bright smile and he nodded.

“Hell yeah, you are.” He hummed in satisfaction before grabbing her face and kissing her slowly and deeply. She started rolling her hips into his again and as she slightly shifted, she gasped into their kiss as his cock found that spot inside of her that made her weak for him. She was powerless in his arms when his cock was caressing that part of her.

“Fuuuck.” Harry moaned in pleasure as his sensitive tip prodded into that hot and spongey part of her over and over and over again. Thrust after thrust of his cock into her perfect and delicious little pussy his resolve weakened and weakened. His hands migrated down to her bum and guided her into a pace that quickly got them back to where they’d been moments before. She smiled through a hiss of pleasure and pain when he delivered a hard smack against her ass. Then again and she cried out, “More?”

“Please! Yes, please more!” She keened and her back arched as he delivered another round of smacks to her ass. 

The water against her skin made the bite of the sting more intense, she swore she was getting dizzy from how good it felt. Harry leaned forward and wrapped his lips around her hardened nipple, suckling and nipping at her as he kneaded her fleshy bottom in his hands to give her a small break. One of her hands brushed the curls away from his forehead so that she could get a good look at his perfectly hollowed out cheeks as he sucked her tender nipple, the achey feeling was making her wetter for him somehow. He eagerly moved to the next one, loving her soft whimper of pain as he bit down a little too roughly this time.

“Gentle, m’a bit tender.” She gasped and he groaned in frustration. He’d been so needy for her that he just wanted to go rough and hard and wreck her. He thrust up hard and she yelped but started bouncing on him a bit, obsessed with the feeling of him driving into that part of her.

“Fuck, you feel amazing like this.” He groaned in pleasure, “Gonna make me come so hard, babygirl.”

“Fuck please, baby. Please come!” She whined into his mouth, “I need it so bad!” She gasped breathily.

“Yeah, baby? Want me to come inside you?” He mumbled against her lips and she nodded.

“Yeah, daddy, please.” 

“Should I challenge science and try and get you pregnant again?” He grinned and she swore she transcended to a new level of pleasure.

“Yes, daddy! Please, please, please.” She slurred as her pleasure started to peak. The tickles and warmth in her tummy started to spread through her entire body, making her start to lose her rhythm. “Oh my god, I’m so close!” She warned, she wouldn’t be able to hold this one after he’d edged her several times already.

“I can feel it, love. M’so close too, just hang on a little longer for me, babygirl. Just a bit more.” He said tiredly as he started to guide her rhythm, holding tight to her hips.

“Fuck, oh fuck!” She mewled as her forehead fell to his shoulder and his own head rolled back and his mouth dropped open as his abs tightened up impossibly and he started to unravel.

“Come. Come for me. Come for me, baby.” He moaned his command as her own moan just ripped through her throat, “Fuck, I love you so much. Fuck, love your pussy so much.” He moaned.

“I love you. I love you. I love you.” She whispered against his skin as her body trembled with pleasure, her hips moved all on their own, helping them through it all. She grabbed his face and kissed him deeply as their highs started wearing off. She wrapped her arms around him as he also just hugged her tight as they just basked in the moment as they caught their breaths for a bit. “I love you so much.” She whispered again and he smiled.

“I love you so much.” He responded.

“I can’t wait for the life we’re gonna have together.” She hummed happily and he smiled.

“S’day one and it’s already amazing.” He assured her, “Should we move this to the bed?” He asked softly as he pressed his forehead to hers and she nodded with a smile.

“Yeah. Have some making up to do.” She said and he hummed in agreement with a smile.

The rest of their night was spent like that, dozing off and making love until the morning came. And the next day as well until it was time to get back to reality. They were in a continuous love bubble and it never seemed to burst and now with this new commitment they had made to each other they just knew that it would get better and better. 

**********

Now the newlyweds were just a week from moving and Y/N and Harry had packed up all of their essentials. They’d been able to make some money back by selling some of their stuff. Harry had sold most of the furniture from his apartment to have some extra cash. Y/N had spent the weekend “flipping” her desk and vanity to make ‘em more modern in style and she was able to also make some good money from that as well and from selling some of her clothes and shoes to some thrift stores in the area. A lot of her clothes had sentimental value to her and she wasn’t all that big yet, but already there were some things that she’d struggle to stay in comfortably. And whereas before she wouldn’t mind a little squeeze or pinch to get something on she figured that much compression couldn’t be healthy for the baby. And this is how she managed to get everything she needed into one large suitcase, like Harry.

In truth, Y/N felt a bit sad to see her bedroom at Julie’s so bare…stripped of the essentials…of the things that had made made the bedroom her very own space. It was a perfect, peaceful, and sacred place to her. It was the place where she’d made sad art, happy art, and made love, and so many other wonderful memories. So as she stepped inside after her shower and saw it again she felt a little hurt in her heart and pouted a bit at what she’d be saying goodbye to.

“What’s the matter?” Harry asked from the bed and she shook her head as her eyes glossed over.

“I just…forgot everything was gone.” She said and he pouted with her.

“Oh, I’m sorry, my love.”

“It’s alright. Just got nostalgic.” She assured with a small smile before she went to get her pajamas on, which currently consisted of some sweatpants and one of Harry’s hoodies. She was absolutely infatuated with his scent, it was so comforting to her over the last few weeks or so, she felt the need to bask in it. She just needed to feel all wrapped up in it, it even curbed the occasional wave of nausea she’d get.

Harry watched quietly as she got out of her robe and into her clothes. He constantly admired how beautiful she was. Especially as her tummy grew more and more each week, he’s sure other people couldn’t tell the subtle differences week by week but he did. And it made him happy to be able to feel and see it for himself because it meant that their baby was growing just fine. She was 15 weeks along now.

“As of today,” Harry’s voice was suddenly behind her and it startled her a bit because she hadn’t anticipated him at all or to feel his big, warm hands sliding from her hips to hold her bump, “the baby’s the size of an?” He quizzed and she smiled.

“Orange?” She responded softly and he smiled and kissed her cheek.

“Yep. We have a winner!” He confirmed playfully and she snorted out a laugh which made him squeeze her gently as he laughed.

“What did I win?” She asked softly as she turned to face him.

“I didn’t think that far ahead.” He confessed and she giggled, “Any ideas?”

“Ummm…a big fat kiss?” She asked and he smirked.

“Yeah, I can do that.” He hummed as he continued to rub over her little bump as he started to lean in.

“Mmmm, maybe also the lo mein and kung-pao chicken bowl from Great Wall? With the spring rolls and sweet and sour sauce?” She asked with big eyes, he could see her desire swimming in them and he smiled.

“Baby, that’s a lot of sodium.” He chuckled and she huffed.

“Look, not that I’ve been snooping but…I’ve seen the book marks you’ve left in the pregnancy books in the diet sections and I know you’re gonna force me to be a super clean eater soon-” 

“I’m gonna do it with you! I’m sure mum and gran will also be joining us. And it’s not forcing you, it’s just what’s good for the baby.” He reminded and she sighed.

“Yeah, I know. But can this be an England thing please? It’ll be easier then because I didn’t like your fast food to be honest.” She admitted.

“Oh please!” He laughed with a dramatic eye roll, “We went to the chippy a few times a week while we were there!” He reminded.

“Because that was the only good junk food!” She said and he chuckled.

“Fine, fine…eat your American junk while you still can…” he said in surrender.

“Don’t pretend you wouldn’t die for Feng’s lo mein with the spicy tofu and veggies.” She said to him and he chuckled.

“Yeah, fine. But the fact that you’re on a first name basis with the chef at this point means you’re eating there too much.” He pointed out with a smile.

“My love, it’s a pregnancy craving…the baby’s basically begging for it and then punishing me when I try and satisfy it with anything else. You can deny me all you want, but you can’t deny the baby. Think of the children.” She pouted at him and he pecked her lips quickly and grinned as he shook his head in disbelief.

“You’re a manipulative little shit.” He said playfully and she laughed, “Get dressed then so we can go.” He hummed as his hands slithered back to her bum.

“Yes, daddy.” She teased and he bit his lip and shook his head at her mischief. He lightly smacked her ass a few times and then he smirked as he saw how much it jiggled in the reflection of the mirror on her closet door.

“Whoa…didn’t know this grew with pregnancy too.” He looked at her with a smirk as he groped her butt now. Kneading his fingers into her cheeks.

“Everything’s gonna grow…unfortunately. You know some people literally grow shoe sizes and never revert back to normal! I like my regular sized feet.” She said and he chuckled.

“I’m sure your feet will be fine, baby.” He reassured with a smile and she huffed.

“They fucking better.” She mumbled before she pulled him down for a kiss. Their lips met gently before they were pulled into a deeper kiss for a few more moments until he felt her skin covered in goosebumps and he broke apart from her.

“Let’s get you dressed so we can get you two fed, then.” He said and she smiled.

“H, I love you.” She said to him, holding eye contact with him and he smiled back at her.

“I love you too, baby.” He responded, “And you too.” He said as he brought his hand up to his mouth and kissed his palm before putting it against her bump with a happy smile.

********

“Got everything?” Julie asked as she came into Y/N’s room and she turned with tear-filled eyes and nodded, “Oh, sweetheart.” She cooed as she hugged her as she wept just a bit. This was it, this was goodbye.

“Please tell me this is the best thing to do.” She whispered to Julie and she pulled back and smiled at her niece.

“Not only is it the best thing, it’s the right thing to do.” She assured her and Y/N smiled, “I know that…maybe things aren’t the way that you imagined they would be at this stage in your life. I’m sure you always envisioned your mom and dad just as happy about your choice of partner, excited for your first baby, present at your wedding…” she said and Y/N nodded with a sniffle, “You don’t deserve for them to just take away their love like that. And I know that having your family is important, but you’re starting a new family, with Harry. Your best friend, the love of your life! And your little family will be full of limitless love and support and so much happiness. You’re going to have a new home and a new place to flourish and grow into the person you were always meant to be! And yes, growing can be painful, but it’s far more painful to be growing in a place where you no longer fit.” She explained gently, “And you, my love, have outgrown this place…the life you had here even. And of course, it doesn’t mean that it wasn’t great or spectacular, but now you’re onto greater and more spectacular things, yeah?”

“Yeah.” She whispered back and Julie smiled.

“I love you so much.” She said before hugging her tight.

“I love you too.” Y/N sniffled. She then shared with her the letters she’d been writing and asked her to please mail them out on her way home and Julie agreed to do so.

On the drive to the airport Harry just let her sit quietly and look around at everything as they made their way down the freeway. She was just taking everything in and while they could always visit, this was no longer going to be her home, so it was still an intense feeling. When he left England he knew that he’d be in LA for at least a few years, but he always intended to go back when things got better for him. He’d only ever considered staying if Y/N had asked him to but she never did though, she knew what his family meant to him, she knew that he was just trying to reacquaint himself with himself. She’d seen him at his absolute lowest point and still managed to love him for everything he was then. She saw everything that he could be and she believed in him and helped him find himself again. Maybe she hadn’t been hurt and broken in the exact same ways he had been, but she was still hurt and broken right now and this was the first step towards healing. He knew it would be hard for her, but he would do the same thing she did for him. Believe in her and love her through all of it and help her see that she deserved the very best.

The drive flew by and the goodbye with Julie was tearful though she’d be joining them soon. They had come extra early just so they could all just hug each other for a few minutes.  They were doing it. They were moving on. And with on final wave Y/N was following Harry into the airport. And after getting through everything, they were sitting in the airplane and she was squeezing his hand tight as they started rolling down the airway. This was it. She turned to Harry with nervous eyes and he just smiled at her and gave her one reassuring nod and she smiled at him, despite her tearful eyes.

“We’re going home.” She said softly and he nodded.

“Yeah, my love. We’re going home.” He smiled.

… FEBRUARY…

Harry had spent his birthday morning quietly because his mum and gran had taken Y/N for a “stroll”, but he knew they were up to something. They were gone by 7:30 and now it was nearing 8:30 and he had just finished making his espresso.

“Happy birthday to you…” he heard from behind him and he turned from the kitchen sink where he’d been washing his espresso pot,“Happy birthday to you…” She sang and he smiled, “Happy birthday dear, husband or Harry…” she giggled, “whichever you prefer…” she sang through her laugh, still in key with the melody of the song and he chuckled along.

“I think husband is the preferred one.” He interrupted and she smirked.

“Happy birthday, dear husbaaaaand…” She sang the part again and he giggled, “Happy birthday to you!” She finished singing as she brought her hands out from behind her back with an envelope and extended it out to him.

“You didn’t have to get me anything.” He said to her and she shrugged with a smile, “Is this what…you ladies went out to get?” He raised his voice towards the end and Y/N laughed softly as Anne and Hillary peeked in from around the corner and emerged with a little cake. “No sane person goes for a leisurely stroll in February.” He said to the three of them and they all laughed as well as they came into the kitchen.

“It’s your birthday, of course we had to get you something.” Y/N said with a smile, “Here, open it up.” She insisted, “I promise you’ll like it.” She said with a grin and he chuckled and gripped the envelope. Anne and Hillary were leaning on the kitchen counter, waiting eagerly for him to open his envelope.

“Alright, let’s see.” He said opening it up and chuckled at the card inside. It was a sketch of Jenna from “13 going on 30” in her iconic rainbow dress with the words “Thirty, flirty, and thriving inked across it.”

“Know how much you love a rom-com.” Y/N hummed and he shook his head as he knocked his head back a bit to laugh. He then opened up the card and saw a big message on the right side that said, “HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DAD!” And he smiled as he skimmed over everyone’s notes quickly before the picture of the sonogram that was tucked inside captivated his attention. It looked newer than the last one they’d had taken and as he glanced over it he saw that the paper had been marked with a sharpie and he swears his entire world paused as he read the words spelled out in the marker, “BTW that’s a willy” and he followed the line that had a little arrow at the end and pointed at said “willy” on the sonogram. “Wait-”

“It’s a boy!” They shouted. Suddenly his sister and brother in law popped out of nowhere with Archie and Ivy and shouted the big news at him along with his mum, gran, and of course, Y/N. He hurried to Y/N and hugged her tight as he laughed with joy.

“You were right.” He said softly as he looked into her bright and excited eyes.

“We were right. Happy birthday, H.” She said softly as she looked into his eyes, they were all glossed over as they met her own and he dipped down to kiss her deeply.

“Thank you, baby. This is the best gift.” He smiled and then turned to his family who flocked over and hugged him as well.

“Thank you for your help.” Y/N said to Anne as Gemma congratulated Harry. 

“Of course, darling.” She hummed and they both glanced over as Harry crouched down and high-fived Archie before hugging him tight. The sight had an added effect on her now that it was confirmed that the little person growing inside of her was also a boy. Harry then pointed over to Y/N and Archie smiled wide and she crouched down as he rushed over to her.

“Hi auntie Y/N.” He greeted her with a bright smile.

“Hey Arch.” She smiled as she opened her arms and hugged him tight, “Told you I’d see you again soon.” She said to him and he just giggled.

“Can we eat the cake now?” He asked and she giggled.

“I think that’s up to your uncle.” Y/N said and Harry smiled.

“Well I say breakfast first and then cake. How’s that?” He asked Archie who just sighed.

“Alright…” he mumbled and Y/N giggled. 

Soon she was properly greeting Gemma, Skye, and Ivy as they congratulated her. Eventually, they were all having breakfast as they chatted and caught up before Skye and Gemma had to head off to work, the kids would be staying with her and Harry for the day.

“What are we doing today, uncle Harry?” Archie asked with an excited smile.

“Do you want to help us find a place to live?” He asked and Archie seemed to light up at that idea.

Y/N and Harry had been back for a little over a week and had been staying with Anne and Hillary while they found their own place. They’d been doing a lot of that over the last week and Harry was also figuring out a work schedule with Eddie. Since Y/N was here on a visa and couldn’t legally work yet she had agreed to help Anne out at her shop or run errands with Hillary when needed. There were a lot of things that she had to get together to even be able to properly function in this new place. It would help speed things along with their marriage certificate, which Julie would be sending as soon as it arrived.

Obviously, things were still falling into place, but they were moving in the right direction. They had been able to see several listings and actually having Ivy and Archie around actually helped them think about how things would look with their own child in the space. And as always, they’d had a great time with them, they were pretty well-behaved kids and were quite fun to be around, but they were exhausted after parading them around all day. Harry had just finished buckling in Ivy’s carseat with her in it and now he was moving on to Archie.

“They weren’t too insane were they?” Gemma asked as Harry transferred a sleeping Archie into Gemma’s car, carseat and all. Y/N bit her lip for a moment as she watched for a second, she forgot how strong he really was sometimes. And then she shook her head in response to Gemma’s question.

“No, not at all. They were helpful if anything.” She assured and Gemma chuckled.

“OK, good.” She grinned, “Were you able to get an appointment with Dr. Livingstone?” She asked of the OB doctor she’d recommended.

“Yeah, for three weeks from now. Thank you for that, I’d been going to the same doctor since I was 18, so I was a bit nervous about having to find someone new.” She explained.

“Of course! And well, if you have questions about anything about being a mum or things to buy let me know. Also, we’ve got plenty of newborn clothes from Ivy and even a couple things that Arch outgrew that we kept for Ivy, like coats and jammies or like those ummm bottom layer things?”

“Like to keep ‘em warm?” Y/N asked and Gemma nodded, “Thermals.”

“Yes, thermals!” She chuckled.

“Well, yeah anything helps. I mean, I don’t think it matters if they’re for boys or girls, all babies look the same for quite a while.” She said with a shrug and Gemma nodded.

“Exactly!” She said and Y/N chuckled, “Well Ivy was a warm weather baby as well, so when you get a bit closer I can just unpack the stuff she’s outgrown so far and you can have a look at anything you might want. We got plenty of gender neutral stuff at the shower.”

“Perfect.” Y/N smiled and they hugged to say goodbye and soon she was saying bye to Harry as well.

“See you on Sunday!” She called before driving off as they waved goodbye from the front of Anne’s house. She smiled as she felt Harry’s arms around her midsection before he kissed the top of her head.

“Think we found the place today?” He asked lowly and she hummed.

“Mmmm…I don’t know. I really liked the last two we saw today but again, I don’t know.” She said as he started to turn them around to head inside. He was walking behind her, still wrapped around her body as he hummed.

“I liked the last one most. The town home-”

“I liked that one too but we can’t necessarily afford that now.” She reasoned. He stopped her and turned her around to face him.

“Baby, what do you think my savings are even for?” He chuckled and she shook her head.

“H, it’s your money. And I thought you said you’d depleted them on your move to LA.” She said and he smiled.

“Our money. Because we’re married now and-”

“Now we are, but when you earned that it was for you, yeah?”

“Yeah, but also to prepare for the future so I wouldn’t have to start from scratch when I got married and had a family. And like…” he sighed, “Yeah, I did deplete those savings a bit, but I had an account that I just left alone here as well. And I don’t mean to sound like a prick, but like…it’s…a pretty substantial amount. And I’m only telling you that because I know it probably shouldn’t bug me, but hearing you talk to Gemma about taking whatever hand-me-downs she has from Archie and Ivy like…” he looked down at their hands and his thumb ran over her wedding band, “I am more than capable of getting new things for the baby. Like I don’t want you to feel like we need to see what we can get our hands on like some charity case.” He said with a frown and Y/N pouted as he said this.

“Baby, look at me for a sec.” She said and he glanced up at her with welled up eyes and she swore her heart broke for him, “I wasn’t accepting that because I don’t think we can afford it or because I don’t think you can’t support our family. S’just that babies grow super fucking fast!” She explained with a small smile as she reached up to stroke his cheek, “I would hate to spend so much money on baby clothes just for them to be grown out of in a month.” She explained, “Like, that’s not a smart use of our money.” She said and he smiled a bit.

“That’s true…”

“And like in terms of where we want to live…I don’t know how long it’ll be before I can properly get hired and like…help you out. I don’t want all of this to fall on you either whether you have the money or not.”

“Well I also don’t want you to feel like you just moved here with me to struggle and be cooped up with my mum for a year or two. Especially if I have the capability of getting us our own place.” He explained, “Like…you literally moved your whole life to another country for me. For us. And I know that you’re gonna be on mum duty for a bit until we get all your paperwork squared away, but I also want you to be comfortable in the meantime.” He explained, “I don’t want you to be in the dodgy part of town all by yourself at our place or just hanging out with my gran all day. Like I want you to feel safe and secure and happy in our space. And like…I kind of want a house. Like…that was my goal.” He said and she smiled.

“I think that’d be great, H. But I just want you to know that I don’t need a house to be happy or to feel safe and at home. I love your gran and your mom, they’re a hoot and I like being with your family, OK? There’s literally no rush. But if you think that a house is the best move and the best investment of your hard-earned money, then perfect.” She said softly and he smiled.

“OK.” He hummed, “I just like…I want the baby to grow up in one place, you know? And when we’re all old and a little batty I want us to have all of our memories in one place.” 

“That does sound really nice…” she said softly and he smiled, “I just want to make sure that you know that I don’t expect everything to just…fall into place and be perfect from the get go. We made a huge move already! Well two actually.” She said and he nodded with a smile, “I trust you and I trust your judgement and I love you.” She said softly and he leaned down to kiss her lips gently.

“When I was driving back from the shop the other day I saw a house for sale kind of between mum’s shop and Gem’s place.”

“Oh, that is a good location. Pretty central.”

“Yeah…I ummm, I went to check it out since they were doing an open showing.” He said and she smiled, “Got the ladies’s number and all in case you want to go see it too?” He asked and she smiled.

“Yeah, let’s do it then.” She said and he smiled a bit wider.

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah, baby.”

“Perfect. I’ll call her right away. Ummm, I just want you to know that I want to take care of you. You took care of me in a strange place and now this is a new place for you and I just want you to know that I fully intend on doing the same for you.” He said and she smiled and soon she started to laugh softly and he pouted a bit, “What?” He asked in confusion.

“I just realized that our baby’s gonna have an accent.” She started laughing a bit harder and he chuckled along.

“Actually he’s gonna ask why you talk funny.” Harry smirked.

“Poor little guy, he’s gonna be so confused. If I’m gonna be with him most of the time he’ll definitely have my American accent for a bit…and then kids’ll make fun of him in school and he’ll have to assimilate to make friends.” She sighed with a small pout and he grinned.

“What if we try super, super hard to have him call you “mom” instead?” He smiled at her and she grinned.

“Please. S’better than ‘mummy’ if I were to be honest…I’m not some dried out old carcass.” She said and he chuckled and rolled his eyes at her really lame joke.

“With jokes that bad you’re lucky you’re so fucking endearing.”

“I try…” she hummed playfully.

“We’re gonna be alright, yeah? I promise you, we’ll be alright.”

“I know, H. I mean it when I said that I trust you.”

“I know you’ll do the best thing for our family.”

“I will my love. I really will.” He promised.

************

When Harry and Y/N discovered that the previous owner of the house they were initially interested in had actually…done himself in… after a divorce, they were a bit shocked. Y/N assured him that they could sage the house or something just in case, but Harry immediately declined putting in an offer because although he didn’t believe in ghosts, a marriage went to shit in that house and he didn’t want those bad vibes for them. 

Luckily, they’d found another listing a bit closer to Anne’s shop and that’s the one Harry ended up making an offer on. It was a two story house with 3 bedrooms, two full bathrooms, and then one half bath. The inside of the house wasn’t all that large, but their backyard was spacious, a perfect place for pets and their son to play down the line.

Y/N was 22 weeks along now and Harry was policing after her as they brought their stuff over from Anne’s place. He wanted to make sure nothing was too heavy for her so he had her unpacking the kitchen stuff. She was sure that it was still fine as long as she wasn’t straining herself too much, but she didn’t want to stress Harry out over nothing, also her appointment with the OB Gemma recommended was the following week, just in time for her 5th month. She could properly ask all the questions about what she could and couldn’t do then and well, she was quite excited to see how the baby was coming along. But for now she’d just let him do all the heavy lifting.

“Alright, so this is the last box for the kitchen.” Eddie said and Y/N swirled around from her spot on the counter at the sound of his voice.

“Hi! I didn’t know you were coming to help!” She said putting down the box cutter and hurrying over to help him with the box in his hands.

“Of course! No, no, I’ve got it, it’s a bit heavy.” He said and she moved out of his way as he placed the box down on the empty spot on the counter. He then turned to her and smiled wide. “Look at you!” Eddie said with a soft smile.

“I know…” she hummed.

“Just two years ago you were sitting at a tattoo con trying to sell your art…” he reminisced and she chuckled.

“Yeah…so crazy.” She shook her head as they hugged.

“Are you still drawing though?” Eddie asked.

“Oh yeah! I have lots of free time right now.” She giggled, “Gotta take advantage before I’m drowning in poopy diapers.” She joked and he chuckled.

“Yeah, best of luck with that.” He said and she smiled, “I mean… I know you can’t technically work at the moment but we could sell some of your art designs if you want? Just plop ‘em in with Harry’s stuff if you want?” He asked and she smiled.

“I’ll certainly talk to him about it and see if that’s something to do. I’d have to find a print shop here to get that going again and well, he’d have to pay for it at the moment.” She explained.

“Well, if you go through with it consider me an investor, yeah? There’s a couple people I know who sell prints and whatnot, I can find out if they have any shops they recommend?” He said and she smiled.

“You’re too nice to me, Eddie…” she sighed and he chuckled.

“Just helping out my friends.”

“Well yeah, if you find something from a trusted person I’d definitely reach out. I know Harry’s all in husband/dad mode and I know he wants to take care of everything but I want to help out too, you know? Don’t want him to feel like he’s the only one pulling his weight-”

“Baby, you’re pulling plenty of weight just by being pregnant.” Harry said as he came into the kitchen with a smirk.

“Right, but we’re just talking about possibly selling some of her prints in the shop if she finds a printer. So some income and no heavy lifting required.” Eddie assured and Harry smiled.

“Yeah, no heavy lifting!” She agreed, “We can talk about it later yeah?” She asked him hopefully.

“Course, love. Ummm, I came to bug you because we need to get the mattress into the bedroom.” He smiled at Eddie who just sighed.

“Yeah, alright…” he finally said, “Your gran didn’t want to help? She has’t really done much.” he mumbled jokingly as they walked off and Y/N giggled as she heard Harry telling Eddie to fuck off. 

After a few hours all of the essentials were in and everyone was heading home after they’d shared a meal and Harry and Y/N were left alone in their new home. Obviously it was still a bit bare and they just had the essentials but it was a place of their own. They were both getting ready for bed their master bath had a double vanity and Y/N glanced over to Harry with a big smile and love-struck eyes.

“What?” He giggled as he dropped his toothbrush into the holder and she shrugged.

“Just happy to be here with you.” She said to him. “Thank you for all of this, H. I love the house and I can’t wait to make it our own.” His only response was to take the few steps over to her and hug her tight.

“I’m glad you like it, my love. Gonna have to start thinking about the nursery first I think.” He mused and she nodded.

“Oh, definitely.”

“I have only one request about that.”

“OK?”

“When Gem’s had Arch the whole neutrals fad had started and I think it’s the most boring thing-” she gasped and pulled back.

“Oh my god! Me too!” She exclaimed and he smiled in relief, “The babies need the visual stimulation. The neutrals are ghastly in a nursery…” she said with a head shake and Harry nodded with wide eyes.

“Thank you! Agreed! I gave Gemma so much shit about it…” he recalled with a chuckle, “But as long as we’re on the same page with that…” he said and she nodded.

“We are. We’ll just have to think of like a theme. And we can paint some stuff on it to like make it artsy and more personal?” She asked excitedly and his smile widened.

“Definitely! I’d love to do that with you.” He said softly as he tucked her hair behind her ear. “You know, the more I think about how quickly time’s passing by I ummm…I just feel really sure that we’re gonna do a great job as parents.” He spoke softly.

“I still feel a bit nervous, but it’s mainly about the birthing bit.” She said with a sigh.

“Yeah, I can’t really help you feel better about that.” He said with a small smile and she shook her head with a giggle.

“No help…” she hummed and he just kissed her forehead.

“I’ll be with you the whole time, if that helps.” He chuckled and she shook her head.

“I doubt it will now.” She teased and he chuckled.

“Ouch…” he said and she grinned.

“You asked for it.” She quipped with a playful glint in her eye.

“Suppose so.” He said with a soft smile.

Soon enough they were cuddled up together, as was custom now, one of his hands was on her tummy as he just rubbed over her gently, which actually helped her lotion absorb into her skin better. Suddenly she felt harsher movements in her tummy and Harry started to feel around her belly until his hand was right over where the baby was moving. Soon her hand came over beside his and she gasped as she felt the soft little movements.

“He’s kicking!” She laughed happily.

“Oh my god.” Harry’s voice cracked as every good emotion overwhelmed him in that moment and he just sighed happily as he just transferred all of that joy, awe, happiness, and positivity to his little son swimming around in there and to Y/N, his wife, the love of his life. He felt her giggle happily as her fingers interlocked with his over the movements happening in her tummy.

“Oh…?” she gasped a bit in shock as the baby started to kick a bit harder. Harry pulled the covers away and just knelt over her and exposed her tummy before he kissed the bump a few times.

“Slow down, bud! You’re not going anywhere anytime soon.” He chuckled, his lips grazed against her smooth skin as he spoke, “So you gotta let your mom get some rest.” He hummed and Y/N smiled as her fingers wove into his hair. “We love you so much. We can’t wait to meet you either.” He mumbled against her skin before giving her bump a few more kisses.

He then settled over her carefully and kissed her deeply, their excited smiles ended the kiss. Harry smiled happily before kissing her once more and then cuddling back up to her and for now the baby had done all his moving and so they settled back into bed with huge smiles and hearts bursting with love for their little boy.

-

-

-

---- Tag List ---

@sunshinemoonsposts @keriberi @ottawaoutlander @gurugirl @reveriehs @sunflovverharry @daphnesutton @jessitpwk @cherrysulewski @sad-avocado @angelbabyyy99 @permanentllyharry @justlemmeadoreyou @matildasatellite

[gorogues]

Fictober 2023

Prompt number #25 Fanfiction Fandom: Flash Rogues Rating: T – Teen and up Warnings: Profanity.

Day Twenty-Five: “Do I look like I knew that?”

“Can’t wait to see their place, mate.  I bet it’s all in a ridiculous green and yellow striped colour scheme, and probably has ice skates all over.”

Len was in a far less chipper mood than Digger, but was nonetheless glad to have someone tagging along for backup during a visit to his sister’s house.

“No.  It looks pretty normal, but still…he lives there.”

The duo parked their car down the street and walked to the house, but Len suddenly stopped when they stood out front and could see partially into the living room window: there were indoor growing lights inside the house.

“What the hell..?” Len exclaimed in outraged disbelief.  “Is that motherfucker growing weed in the place he shares with Lisa?!”

“I think he’s more like a sisterfu—” Digger began, but Len’s head whipped around to glower at him before he could finish, and he quickly went silent. 

Len ran to the front door and rang the doorbell more times than was necessary, and Lisa soon answered with a happy smile and an attempted hug.  “Lenny!”

But Len was on a mission now, and not interested in any social niceties.  “Where is he, and where are the drugs?”

 “He’s in his lab, and what drugs?” she said with a very strange look.

“The weed he’s growing in your living room!  I thought you two were smarter than that, Lisa!”

She began laughing and gestured for the others to follow her to the living room.  There, she pointed to a grow-op which looked nothing like cannabis nor any other kind of substance they were familiar with.

“He learned about the existence of spinning top peppers recently, and has gotten very into them,” Lisa said with a slight rolling of eyes.  “You know what he’s like when something catches his interest, but it’s all pretty innocuous and I think it’s kinda cute.”

“Come again?  Spinning top peppers?” Digger asked with confusion.  “That’s a euphemism, right?”

“They’re actually called that, because they’re shaped like miniature tops.  Check it out.”

Len leaned over to look at the plants and growled under his breath, because the peppers did in fact look like tiny tops.  “Goddammit.  Him and his fuckin’ tops.”

“You have your quirks, and he has his,” Lisa shrugged, though this didn’t improve Len’s foul mood much, as he hated any and all comparisons with his nemesis.

“I’d be careful with those, because they’re actually fairly spicy,” she warned as Digger not-so-subtly tried to pick one.  “Roscoe’s also been trying to crossbreed peppers to make them even hotter, though we don’t know if the experiments have worked yet.”

“Speak of the devil,” Len muttered as he heard footsteps coming up from the basement, and Roscoe soon peered around the doorway.  He was wearing goggles and some kind of protective cover-all suit, and was clearly looking for something.

“Is he here yet?” Roscoe asked cautiously.

“Yes, sweetie, and he’d love to see what you’ve been working on!” she replied cheerfully.

“Nope,” Len said, but he was ushered down into the basement by his sister, and he was only mostly certain she wasn’t sending him there to be murdered by a guy in a strange kill suit.

“Put these on,” Roscoe told them as they descended the stairs, handing them several pairs of goggles which hung along the steps.  They could smell his work before they reached the basement, or more accurately, could taste it: both Len and Digger coughed a bit from the volatile pepper oils in the air.

“What the hell is all this, you lunatic?” Len demanded, though Roscoe didn’t seem offended.

“I am purifying capsaicin extract for various purposes, both offensive and culinary.”

“He means he’s making spicy liquid from the peppers,” Lisa explained helpfully when the others looked confused.

“Oh great, he’s one of those guys who makes his own hot sauce,” Len muttered to Digger, who chuckled loudly.

“Not just for eating.  I am also creating a payload for a line of pepper-based tops, which will spray capsaicin extract when deployed.  It’s non-lethal, but I would like to see the Flash keep running with liquified capsaicin sauce or pepper spray in his eyes,” Roscoe said with boastful pride.  “If I can’t increase the intensity of the spinning top peppers, I plan to develop a custom mix with spicier peppers for maximum impact.”

“Well, okay,” Len replied, genuinely impressed by one of his nemesis’ pet projects for once.  Not that he’d ever say so.

“I dunno, mate,” Digger said, picking up a nearby top to squint at it.  “Can you really get that stuff in Flasher’s eyes while he’s running?”

Roscoe’s eyes widened under his goggles.  “Don’t touch that!”

Without warning -- as far as Digger was concerned, anyway -- the top suddenly exploded in his face, spewing hot sauce everywhere.  His own goggles protected him from the worst of it, but some of the pepper extract splashed into his mouth and nose and he shrieked with distressed anger as he flailed aimlessly in pain.

“Why would you touch it?!  I just explained the entire concept to you!” Roscoe shouted as he and Lisa searched for towels to clean him off, and everyone coughed from the fumes.

“How was I supposed to know that, you blighter?!  I like picking things up!” Digger protested, spitting out everything he could expel from his mouth.  His eyes ran with involuntary tears from the heat of the sauce, so Lisa led him up the stairs to get fresh air and some milk for his burning tongue.

“Not bad, Dillon,” Len said as they hurried behind them, which was the most complimentary he would ever be towards his de facto brother-in-law.  “That’ll stop the Flash right in his tracks, at least if he’s stupid enough to get his head near it…so I give it a fifty-fifty chance.”

“Thank you,” Roscoe replied in a crisp tone, trying and failing to keep his own eyes from watering from the intense pepper oils.  He turned his face away with the faint hope that Len couldn’t see any tears.

“But I’m gonna warn ya, and you need to listen carefully,” Len said seriously.  “As soon as Mick hears about all this, you’ll never get him out of your house.”

[meenawrites]

Again with Trudy y’all!

Okay SO! We all know that Trudy HAS to have excellent taste in music. Like look at her.

I’m sure this woman has been gradually building up her musical library since she could afford it and now she has like 10 000 songs or something.

I think she sings a lot by herself like just jamming as she works on her kestrel or does stuff around the lab and eventually she starts sharing the music with Spider.

So it becomes like a mama-son thing for to give him one of her earpieces and they just sing at the top of their lungs together and have dance parties. Trudy used to be way more private about people seeing her sing or dance but like after the shit she’s gone through on Pandora it seems pretty trivial, plus it makes the kid happy so she’s just like whatever.

I also think that Trudy would have a great voice. Like I think she’d have a strong belt with a bit of a rasp to it (think kind of voice like Persephone from Hadestown’s voice). Like she can go pretty deep in her voice, her range is good. She can’t hit super high notes though, her throat tightens up at those and just like refuses to work.

Spider also has incredible range. He’s been a good singer since he was a kid both in Na’vi and in English and Spanish. He just has an ear for music and he loves it because it’s a different form of storytelling for him. He can hit those high notes even as he grows older, not like soprano level but mezzo-soprano or something.

Now I’m not enough of a music connoisseur to give a definitive look at what Truyd’s taste in music is but I can try from what I know. I think her vibe would be like 80s and 90s rock and some indie music. Like Spider, she also really listens to the lyrics of songs and not just the sound so most of her song collection has what she considers to be meaningful lyrics, with only a few staple generic pop songs that she can’t help but like. I think she’d be into indie music as well and some grunge. The type of music that comes to mind from my limited knowledge would be Paramore, Pink, Pink Floyd, Nirvana, Journey, Aerosmith, etc. I think she’d have some Taylor Swift songs up in there; though I’m not like a die hard Swiftie, I’ve listened to her lyrics and her writing is honestly great so yeah she’s on there. I also think her guilty pleasure would be musicals; she doesn’t even show Spider those at first because she had a bad experience for her fellow soldiers judging her about it when she first joined the army, but eventually Spider gets unlimited access to her collection. And he eats that shit up! Yet another form of storytelling for him to explore that mixes narrative and song and sound and she finds out because she finds him belting along to like a Heathers song or something cause he has already memorized the lyrics.

I also am so sure Trudy has some sort of sex playlist listed an an obscure name with some dirty songs. That isn’t really my area of expertise though so I don’t know what would be on there per se but yeah. Though I am picturing this one song I know called “Kiss or Kill”. I don’t think she’d have any songs on there that are like super explicit but more just capture the feeling of when she’s in a sexy mood. I’m also picturing Dove Cameron’s “Boyfriend” being on there.

And we can’t forget her roots! She’s gotta have a huge Spanish playlist. Again this is not my expertise but I have a friend who does know! So hopefully I will make like an update post for that to include some songs she would have on there soon! If anyone does have any ideas I’d love to hear them.

So yeah Spider and Trudy have song alongs and dance nights together and that fills my brain tbh.

If anyone is interested in submitting songs you think Trudy would listen to, I would love to see them and maybe make a playlist out of them to share on here!

[sevenboarproductions]

[IDOLiSH7] [Part 6] Chapter 3: A new way to live

6.3.1. - Locked up heart

Isumi Haruka: Haa~ I’m tired!

Utsugi Shirou: Good work today. Is something wrong, Midou-san? Holding your stomach like that.

Midou Torao: No… I just thought “I really ate a snake today, huh”. And then I started feeling kind of weird.

Inumaru Touma: Looks like with this job, the list of things you’ve eaten just constantly gets updated~

Isumi Haruka: I want to update it with the three biggest delicacies in the world or something.

Natsume Minami: Rather than waiting for a TV program for that, it would be faster to just ask Midou-san.

Inumaru Touma: Haru even leaves behind the oily part when eating kakuni*. Someone like that can’t eat foie gras.

Isumi Haruka: Really?

Midou Torao: Don’t lump foie gras together with pork belly…

Utsugi Shirou: If you’re as young as Isumi-san, aren’t things like hamburgers even better than foie gras and caviar?

Isumi Haruka: Well, yeah! I love hamburgers!

Natsume Minami: Between hamburgers, gyuudon, curry and ramen, which do you like the most?

Isumi Haruka: Curry, probably? What about you, Minami?

Natsume Minami: I love them all.

Inumaru Touma: You’ve got a big appetite, Mina.

Natsume Minami: Fufu, it’s because I am still growing. Oh, this disc is…

Utsugi Shirou: Ah, sorry. I was looking at it.

Natsume Minami: What is on that disc?

Utsugi Shirou: It’s the data of your live at RedFes.

Isumi Haruka: The one from RedFes!? You watched it! How was it?

Utsugi Shirou: I raised my voice.

Isumi Haruka: Like what?

Utsugi Shirou: Like… “Oh my god…” and “It’s so cool…”.

Inumaru Touma: Eeeh! I wanted to hear that. Don’t just watch it without saying something, you should've invited us!

Midou Torao: Aside from that? How was it? Your impression?

Utsugi Shirou: It was really amazing. You only see that kind of live once or twice in your lifetime.

Midou Torao: …Is this flattery?

Utsugi Shirou: No way. It’s my honest opinion. That’s why the cheers of the audience were that loud too, right?

Utsugi Shirou: Your tension and determination really came across through your expressions… even the amused audience fell quiet.

Utsugi Shirou: With that defiance, your desperate singing voices excited the entire venue, and they started to feel it too.

Utsugi Shirou: “Who are those guys?”, they were thinking. But those people, who were just standing there, folding their arms, became united through your performance.

Utsugi Shirou: That sort of miracle is something that doesn’t exist. It was like a movie.

Isumi Haruka: …Tell me more.

Utsugi Shirou: Haha… Isumi-san, you were really cool. Even though you’re the youngest, it felt like you were taking responsibility for the other members too.

Utsugi Shirou: Your dancing and singing were perfect. You were relaxed, yet your eyes were sharp and tense… It grabbed me by the heart.

Isumi Haruka: Out of a 100 points, how many would I get?

Utsugi Shirou: I can’t give points to the one and only.

Isumi Haruka: The one and only. That’s…?

Utsugi Shirou: I’m saying there is no replacement for you.

Isumi Haruka: ……

Utsugi Shirou: Inumaru-san, you were also cool. I usually only know the friendly Inumaru-san, but you looked surprisingly aggressive.

Inumaru Touma: Really?

Utsugi Shirou: Really, really. When you’re standing on stage, you have an overwhelming aura around you. But it doesn’t feel like you’re driving away an enemy or anything…

Utsugi Shirou: It feels more like a “Come on, let’s be friends”.

Midou Torao: I get that… He’s always given me that feeling.

Natsume Minami: Fufu… It was around the time ŹOOḼ was formed, wasn’t it? We must have lost to that aura of his.

Natsume Minami: Both us and the audience at RedFes.

Inumaru Touma: Haha… I was just trying really hard, though. I’m happy to hear it worked.

Utsugi Shirou: Natsume-san, there was no way you wouldn’t be nervous, yet it seemed like you didn’t mind the people at the venue at all…

Isumi Haruka: Ahaha! I get that!

Utsugi Shirou: It was really cool. That sort of mood is what makes ŹOOḼ seem cool and mysterious, and gives it a strong character.

Natsume Minami: Not a bad rating, is it?

Utsugi Shirou: Midou-san, you made things look like a painting just by standing there. Your dancing was cool and simply beautiful. And also…

Utsugi Shirou: You seemed kind.

Midou Torao: Kind? Me?

Utsugi Shirou: That’s right. Maybe it’s the insight as a senior…

Midou Torao: Insight? Even if I do say so myself, I didn’t have the composure for something like that.

Isumi Haruka: You didn’t.

Natsume Minami: You didn’t, huh?

Midou Torao: Shut up…

Inumaru Touma: Come on, don’t fight.

Utsugi Shirou: What I mean is that compared to the other three… That feeling of “Listen, do what I say” is surprisingly not as strong as with the others.

Utsugi Shirou: That’s why I think Midou-san is the kindest person in ŹOOḼ.

Isumi Haruka: He’s not kind! He’s the most selfish!!

Inumaru Touma: You’re being deceived by his looks!!

Natsume Minami: His appearance isn’t that kind, either, though…

Midou Torao: I’m right here, you know?

Midou Torao: But you’re misunderstanding. I’ve been rejected before, too, and people always say I’m not kind.

Inumaru Touma & Natsume Minami & Isumi Haruka: So we were right.

Utsugi Shirou: Well then, maybe it’s exactly because you know how it is that you could be calm. Aside from that, I do wonder if it’s an ingrained behavior.

Utsugi Shirou: For example, I accidentally took a picture of this scene…

Isumi Haruka: Eh? Did you take a picture of the TV screen?

Utsugi Shirou: I just thought I would look at it again later. But this scene…

Utsugi Shirou: Even though you three look like feral animals, Midou-san is calm.

Isumi Haruka: Don’t call us feral animals!

Natsume Minami: Ah, it’s true, though. I’m cute when I’m murderous.

Isumi Haruka: Cute.

Inumaru Touma: Ahaha! Such scary eyes! We look so unbehaved!

Inumaru Touma: If you look at it like that, Tora is like that, isn’t he? It’s the elegance of a rich guy…

Midou Torao: …..Mhm….

Midou Torao: It does look like we have a different level of grace…

Inumaru Touma: Uwaa, he said it himself.

Isumi Haruka: What else is there? Praise me more!

Utsugi Shirou: The cheering was so much, it seemed like it could split the sky at any moment. It was super dramatic.

Utsugi Shirou: I don’t think there could be a happier moment for any music fan than to have their emotions be moved by that sort of live performance and artists.

Utsugi Shirou: It’s like a real miracle. You went to a country you don’t know, and you came back having created a miracle.

Utsugi Shirou: It’s wonderful, but at the same time it's a little frustrating.

Natsume Minami: Why is that?

Utsugi Shirou: Because at that time, I hadn’t met all of you yet.

Utsugi Shirou: One day… I want to see that sort of live with my own eyes. That’s what I think.

Isumi Haruka: Fufun. You don’t need to say “someday”, we’ll show you at the next live!

Natsume Minami: Of course… is what I’d like to say, but that might not be that easy.

Natsume Minami: Lives are affected by a lot of conditions.

Natsume Minami: The emotions at that time, the atmosphere at the venue, our relationship…

Natsume Minami: Utsugi-san, up until that live, we were just arguing all the time.

Utsugi Shirou: Ah, so you were like that.

Natsume Minami: Yes. We were a unit that was just going to fall apart anyway, one that only exists for the moment.

Natsume Minami: But at that time, in this situation where we were away from home… we had nothing to rely on but each other. So while arguing, I was hoping.

Natsume Minami: I was hoping that our bonds could become real.

Inumaru Touma: Mina…

Utsugi Shirou: …Ah, I see… Then that live and that venue is what made you guys true members of one group, isn’t it?

Isumi Haruka: Yeah, that might be it… It could be true… Touma did always tell us this.

Isumi Haruka: That there was meaning to the four of us meeting. …And on that day, I thought so too.

Utsugi Shirou: Is that so… Then it really was so dramatic, wasn’t it? That’s nice, I wish I could’ve seen it.

Inumaru Touma: Haha… I’m glad.

Inumaru Touma: Ryou-san never told us anything like that, after all…

Midou Torao: Maybe he was meaning to tell us. I mean, he did prepare a party.

Isumi Haruka: Aah. The one where Torao got champagne poured himself.

Utsugi Shirou: That’s the worst… I’m sorry…

Midou Torao: I wasn’t mad, but it was really scary…

Inumaru Touma: He was standing on the table and stomping with his feet…

Utsugi Shirou: Your manners are bad, Ryou-kun…

Isumi Haruka: Is that a matter of manners?

Natsume Minami: …But… both Utsugi-san and Ryou-san were impressed by this live.

Natsume Minami: Though, because it was an overseas live, our fans mostly weren’t there.

Inumaru Touma: Aah… That’s true…

Inumaru Touma: One day, I want to show it to our fans. A live that’s even better than the one at RedFes.

Isumi Haruka: We’ll do it. We have to show it to Utsugi-san, too, after all!

Utsugi Shirou: Haha, thank you very much.

Utsugi Shirou: The shooting of “BLAST” is also finishing soon, isn’t it? I’m looking forward to it.

Inumaru Touma: I’m looking forward to it, too! Even when I was reading the script, I got absorbed into reading all the scenes!

Isumi Haruka: It’s just flashy action! We’re not the ones doing it.

Midou Torao: …yeah, that’s true. I’m also looking forward to Minami’s excellent performance, too. I’m sure it’ll be a hot topic.

Natsume Minami: Thank you. If there are no other topics that stand out, I’m sure that’ll be the case.

Midou Torao: Topics that stand out?

Natsume Minami: I’m already done shooting. It’s rare to be blessed with an environment with both a good director and staff.

Natsume Minami: Make sure you don’t have any regrets.

Midou Torao: Aah, that’s right. Let’s make it safely towards the end of shooting. Well then, I’ll be leaving…

Utsugi Shirou: I’ll drive you home.

Midou Torao: It’s fine. I’ll be going then.

[thud]

~ to be continued ~

6.3.2. - A king’s crown

Isumi Haruka: He went home so fast. Do you think he had a date planned?

Inumaru Touma: Mina, what was that earlier? You were putting it in complicated words.

Natsume Minami: Inumaru-san, you were busy thinking about whether you should get back together with your old bandmates, so you might not have noticed it, but…

Inumaru Touma: Don’t say it so sarcastically!

Natsume Minami: Midou-san was behaving a bit strangely during the shooting.

Isumi Haruka: Ah, I kind of thought that, too.

Utsugi Shirou: Strangely… you say?

Isumi Haruka: Yeah. Even though Tora really likes action movies, he never stayed to watch the stunt scenes.

Natsume Minami: I wouldn’t say “never” but it certainly wasn’t how a person who likes action movies would act.

Inumaru Touma: Yeah…

Inumaru Touma: Maybe he was just pretending, and he actually can’t deal with it well? Things like high places, or things that make you shudder.

Utsugi Shirou: Can’t deal with it well?

Inumaru Touma: Right, right. It’s because he tends to pretend to be tough and tries to show off. 

Natsume Minami: I know he tends to show off, but it didn’t look like he was scared.

Isumi Haruka: Well, you can’t know for sure. When I have something I can’t do, I also say I can.

Utsugi Shirou: Eh, please be honest with me. I’m bad at guessing things like that.

Isumi Haruka: Yeah… Somehow, I already knew that…

Inumaru Touma: But knowing the true motives of the other person would definitely help. 

Natsume Minami: Maybe it’s because he is that type of person that he got along well with Ryou-san.

Utsugi Shirou: Then that means Midou-san is bad at doing nerve-wracking scenes?

Inumaru Touma: It’s because he kind of grew up rich and sheltered. 

Isumi Haruka: He was nervous at RedFes, too. Though, we were all nervous then.

Natsume Minami: Being nervous… Midou-san was probably scared during the shooting of “BLAST”, wasn’t he?

Isumi Haruka: It felt like that, right?

Natsume Minami: ….Kind of… I had the feeling like he wanted to say something.

Natsume Minami: It kind of reminded me of my past self. So I just got curious.

Inumaru Touma: Mina in the past… 

Natsume Minami: It was when I still thought I had to listen to what adults said. 

Natsume Minami: Thinking that the world was like that, I ended up giving up on my wishes.

Natsume Minami: He looks the same way I did during that time.

Inumaru Touma: Giving up…?

Isumi Haruka: That bossy, egotistical bastard Torao would…? 

Utsugi Shirou: …I understand. I will ask Midou-san about it tomorrow.

Inumaru Touma: Aah….. if you ask him too directly, you might not get an answer.

Inumaru Touma: It’s like, he also has insincere parts, so…

Utsugi Shirou: ….. I will try to guess. 

Isumi Haruka: No, no. Didn’t you say you’re bad at that?

Natsume Minami: My… even though he’s the oldest, he’s a troublesome person.

--

Okazaki Rintarou: Welcome back~

Momo: We’ve returned~! President, take this, it’s a souvenir.

Okazaki Rintarou: What is it~?

Momo: Crayfish.

Okazaki Rintarou: What am I going to do with crayfish?

Yuki: Use it for its healing properties*.

Okazaki Rintarou: That won’t heal me. Bring me a thousand.

Yuki: Should we do that… Momo, do you wanna deep fry the one you caught?

Momo: I won’t eat that!

Yuki: It’s the kind you can’t eat, then.

Momo: Oh, yes! It’s a pet!

Yuki: Maybe I’ll keep it. What do crayfish eat?

Okazaki Rinto: Isn’t it algae or small fish?

Yuki: Is that so. Can I call it Okarin?

Okazaki Rinto: Uhm, this fish?

Yuki: Yes. The more I look at it, the cuter it gets.

Momo: Isn’t that nice, Okarin? Having Yuki name something after you to keep it…

Okazaki Rinto: This crayfish seems to be ruining relationships… I’ll take care of it in the office after all.

Yuki: Is that so? Then, have fun with it.

Okazaki Rintarou: We don’t even need crayfish… That aside, about today’s recording. Was President Takanashi here?

Okazaki Rinto: He wasn’t.

Okazaki Rintarou: I see. Because everyone was assembled, I figured he’d show his face.

Momo: What happened with Takanashi Papa?

Okazaki Rintarou: He may have taken the position I wanted, but he is a pretty interesting person.

Okazaki Rintarou: I remember talking to him about it. “Why did you go into the entertainment industry? Why did you make a talent agency?”

Momo: Why did you?

Okazaki Rintarou: Because I like people.

Yuki: Haha. No way. 

Okazaki Rintarou: It’s true. I like making people happy and surprising them. And I like the entertainers, too.

Okazaki Rintarou: If you go into this sort of field, it seems like a race, and you end up only focusing on compliance.

Okazaki Rintarou: That’s what I mean when I think back to the beginning. A business that both the buyer and the seller enjoy… that’s fun, right?

Okazaki Rinto: Haha, that’s nostalgic. Back in college, you talked about that a lot, too. 

Okazaki Rintarou: That’s true…

Momo: Even the President was like that in his youth, huh.

Okazaki Rintarou: Do you want to hear about it?

Momo: No. We’re fine for now.

Yuki: Ah, Okarin. You can put the crayfish in this sweets box for now.

Okazaki Rinto: Aah! Thank you!

Okazaki Rintarou: What about you, Re:vale? Why did you become idols?

Yuki: You know that already. That was the only way I could afford to eat.

Momo: You know about my reason already, too.

Okazaki Rintarou: But that’s not all anymore, is it? If it was, it wouldn’t have continued for this long.

Re:vale: ………

Okazaki Rintarou: For you, what does being an idol mean?

Okazaki Rintarou: If you pinpoint that, wouldn’t it be the key to protect your throne as kings?

Momo: A way to protect the throne…

Yuki: How pompous…

Okazaki Rintarou: Zero’s era is over. Kujou Takamasa and TRIGGER have ended it. It was a wonderful final stage.

Okazaki Rintarou: Just right now, people’s memories of Zero are being reawakened, so things are heating up. But the topic of Zero will die down soon enough.

Okazaki Rintarou: The next ones to become legends will be Re:vale, I think. No, I believe it.

Okazaki Rintarou: Don’t misunderstand me, though. Even if you lose against someone, I won’t sigh in disappointment. 

Okazaki Rintarou: I don’t want to pressure you guys. That sort of thing doesn’t matter.

Okazaki Rintarou: It’s only been a couple years since you were first called kings, but haven’t you been lacking in ambition lately? 

Okazaki Rinto: President…

Okazaki Rintarou: You said so, too, Rinto. Playing the funny, kind and reliable senpai might be fun, but…

Okazaki Rintarou: Both your fans and I, we want to see it soon.

Okazaki Rintarou: A cool Re:vale who will crush their kouhai.

Momo: …..Even without being told it, I would never put Yuki… would never put Re:vale below anyone else.

Momo: Re:vale will always be at the top. I won’t hand the throne to anyone. Not IDOLiSH7, not TRIGGER, and not ŹOOḼ!

Yuki: Momo….

Okazaki Rintarou: As expected from a sports ace! You’re burning with fighting spirit.

Momo: That much is obvious. A crown fits well on Yuki’s head.

Yuki: But every flower eventually has to wilt, right?* 

Momo: No! They don’t…!

Yuki: And the petals inevitably fall to the ground and decay…*

Momo: It won’t happen!! Re:vale are the eternal kings and champions! I’m getting angry, Yuki!

Yuki: Okay.

Momo: President. For me, the reason why I became an idol and the meaning of being an idol are the same. 

Momo: To make Yuki stand at the top! I don’t even want to imagine falling down or losing!

Momo: We will never lose!

Okazaki Rinto: I think so, too. The two of them will never lose to anyone!

Okazaki Rintarou: Ah, seems like you’re in better shape now, aren’t you? What about you, Yuki?

Yuki: ….. Well. If Momo says so…

Yuki: Let’s defeat our kouhai.

Momo: Yeah!

Momo: Everyone~! We’re sorry~! But our time as nice senpai is over!!

Okazaki Rintarou: Where are you shouting that at?

Momo: Actually, we’re…

Re:vale: …The last boss.

~ to be continued ~

6.3.3. Connections

Nanase Riku: (coughing) …I choked on something…

Izumi Iori: Have some hot tea and a scarf. Don’t let your throat get cold.

Nanase Riku: But… I was just choking a bit! Because something got caught in my throat!

Izumi Iori: You still might be having an attack.

Nanase Riku: Ugh. If you say it like that I’ll get anxious.

Izumi Iori: You’re fine. You’ll be alright in a minute. Since it’s you, Nanase-san, you’ll be fine.

Nanase Riku: Ahaha! Ah… I really got better.

Izumi Iori: It seems like you finally trust my words as much as Kujou-san’s.

Nanase Riku: I didn’t get better when Tenn-nii told me that sort of thing, though.

Izumi Iori: Besides that, have you read the script for “Wolf Boy and Boy Detective 2”?

Nanase Riku: I haven’t read it all yet. I saw the part that seemed to have to do with today’s special program, though.

Izumi Iori: Since it’s you, Nanase-san, you probably didn’t notice it but… The culprit in episode 2 is…

Nanase Riku: Oh, I did read it that far. He’s actually the shinigami* piano tuner.

Izumi Iori: It seems like Nikaidou-san will be playing him.

Nanase Riku: Eeh, I’m happy! Yamato-san is starring in our drama!

Izumi Iori: Not telling us anything about that.. He’s mean, isn’t he? …Is what I thought, but the client in the third episode is…

Nanase Riku: The tsukumogami* with the umbrella?

Izumi Iori: It seems like he’ll be played by nii-san. It says it here, “Izumi Mitsuki”…

Nanase Riku: You’re right! In that case, the guest of the fourth episode, either the culprit or the client, is…

Izumi Iori: The client is an injured inugami* played by Yotsuba-san.

Nanase Riku: I was right…!!

Izumi Iori: Satori, the culprit of the second half of the fifth episode, is played by…

Nanase Riku: Sougo-san! Since it’s been like that up until now, the sixth one is definitely…

Izumi Iori: The culprit is an automaton. Rokuya Nagi.

Nanase Riku: That means we’re complete! I’m happy we can all star in this drama together! It looks like it’ll be lots of fun!

Izumi Iori: Because there will be a good mood at the shooting, right?

Nanase Riku: I’m looking forward to the rest of the show, too. Do you think the oni king they foreshadowed at the end of the previous part will show up?

Izumi Iori: He might appear eventually… Somewhat like a mastermind who is pulling the strings.

Nanase Riku: Who could play the role of that oni king*?

Izumi Iori: Going by this pattern, maybe Re:vale-san…?

Nanase Riku: Re:vale-san are the last boss, after all.

(knock knock)

Staff: There’s fifteen minutes before the “Wolf Boy and Boy Detective Special Program” starts. Nanase-san, Izumi-san, please be on standby!

Nanase Riku: Yeees! We’re coming right now!

Izumi Iori: We’re looking forward to working with you.

Nanase Riku: Ah, right. What do you think the “surprising news” they’ll mention at the end of this show will be about?

Izumi Iori: It has to be the sequel announcement, right?

Nanase Riku: I know about the sequel though.

Izumi Iori: Why would they want to surprise you? It’s supposed to be surprising news for the viewers.

Nanase Riku: Ah, I see! Iori, you’re smart~!

Izumi Iori: Your very existence holds too much surprising news…

Nanase Riku: I’m so happy we’re getting a sequel! It feels like our hard work really got across.

Izumi Iori: That’s true.

Nanase Riku: Iori, you had an interview with the president, right? What did you talk about?

Izumi Iori: Why are you suddenly bringing that up?

Nanase Riku: I was wondering what kind of future our producer had in mind for us.

Nanase Riku: It’s not like I want to leave it all to you, though! I just felt like asking you about it once.

Izumi Iori: ……

Izumi Iori: IDOLiSH7 strikingly won against TRIGGER and ŹOOḼ at Black or White.

Nanase Riku: Yeah.

Izumi Iori: We’re making steady progress, but there is a group we haven’t defeated yet.

Nanase Riku: …Re:vale-san?

Izumi Iori: Exactly.

Izumi Iori: We’re going to push Re:vale from the throne and take the overall win at Black or White.

Izumi Iori: Both in name and reality, IDOLiSH7 will stand at the top.

--

Announcer: Now it’s time for a big announcement!

Announcer: What’s this? The overwhelmingly popular drama that became successful in all of Japan, “Wolf Boy and Boy Detective”…!!

Announcer: …Is getting a sequel!!

Audience: Kyaaaaah…!

Nanase Riku: Thank you very much!

Izumi Iori: Thank you very much!

Announcer: Getting to watch the endeavors of Japan’s beloved duo again… I’m looking forward to it!

Nanase Riku: Me too! Everyone, please look forward to it, too!

Audience: Kyaaaaah…!

Announcer: Now, if you can, would you give us something like a summary or even just a small hint?

Izumi Iori: This information might be kind of pushing it, but if I tell you just a bit…

Announcer: A bit of information! Thank you very much!

Izumi Iori: Up until now, Ichirou’s past was only touched upon lightly in the first part, but in the sequel, we plan to explore it more.

Audience: Kyaaaaah…!

Announcer: You might not be able to go into so much detail already, but basically, Nanakawa’s ancestors have something to do with Ichirou’s past?

Nanase Riku: Yeah! I heard that, too…

Izumi Iori: Nanase-san, that’s enough! They’ll understand their connections and secrets soon enough.

Izumi Iori: Aside from that, Ichirou became good at acting like a dog in the last series, but in the flashbacks, he will return to being wild.

Nanase Riku: He’s howling like a wolf.

Audience: Kyaaaah…!

Announcer: Oh, I can’t wait! Isn’t that right, Nanase-san?

Nanase Riku: Yes!

Izumi Iori: Please look forward to it.

Nanase Riku: Everyone, I’m looking forward to it a lot! Ichirou, bark!

Izumi Iori: What kind of bark?

Nanase Riku: The dog-like one!

Izumi Iori: Woo~ Woof, Woof!

Audience: Kyaaaah…!

--

Takanashi Tsumugi: The “New Black or White”… I wonder what sort of project it is.

Takanashi Tsumugi: …The best live, huh…

Oogami Banri: Tsumugi-san.

Takanashi Tsumugi: Banri-san.

Oogami Banri: There’s a card for you from Kujou… I mean, the stage director Haw9-san.

Takanashi Tsumugi: …”Thank you for your help with the “Zero” musical. It was a performance without regrets. Take care.”…

Oogami Banri: It’s simple, but it’s a thank-you message, isn’t it?

Oogami Banri: We helped him a lot, didn’t we? With the dress rehearsal or with the soundtrack, too.

Takanashi Tsumugi: …I never thought I’d end up listening to a duet from Riku-kun and Kujou-san like that.

Oogami Banri: That’s true…

Takanashi Tsumugi: ….”Take care”….

Oogami Banri: What’s wrong?

Takanashi Tsumugi: It feels like Kujou-san is saying goodbye… I also heard that he’s been refusing to do jobs for TRIGGER, too.

Takanashi Tsumugi: The musical ��Zero” was amazing. It was a spectacular stage performance. But precisely because of that…

Takanashi Tsumugi: Because he put an end to his feelings for Zero as Haw9, Kujou-san is…

Oogami Banri: …Burnt out and probably going to retire?

Takanashi Tsumugi: Yes…

Takanashi Tsumugi: Anesagi-san asked him whether he wanted to do a job together with my father.

Takanashi Tsumugi: I don’t think he would have sent such a message, if he planned to do something like that.

Oogami Banri: That’s true… Even if he retires now, he has enough savings.

Oogami Banri: He might plan to have a quiet life overseas.

Takanashi Tsumugi: It would be sad for the Japanese entertainment industry to lose a person with this much talent and experience.

Takanashi Tsumugi: If possible, I’d want him to continue to be involved directly.

Takanashi Tsumugi: There’s still a lot of things I want him to teach me, too.

Oogami Banri: You respect Kujou-san a lot, don’t you?

Takanashi Tsumugi: I’m sorry… Even though I know you have complicated feelings about him…

Oogami Banri: More than about myself, I was worried he’d do something to the people who are active in the industry right now.

Oogami Banri: Riku-kun, Tamaki-kun, TRIGGER’s Tenn-kun and even ŹOOḼ’s Isumi-kun got dragged into that person’s problems and he caused them pain.

Oogami Banri: The idea of respecting Kujou-san from the bottom of my heart feels strange. But…

Oogami Banri: The musical “Zero” was great. If he hadn’t been there, I would not have been able to see that stage performance, either.

Oogami Banri: I still feel bitter, but I’ll give him a “yes” for this one.

Takanashi Tsumugi: You’re very kind, Banri-san.

Oogami Banri: That doesn’t mean I’m nice. I just live according to my own values. Haha… It was like this when I was with Yuki, too.

Takanashi Tsumugi: With Yuki-san?

Oogami Banri: Yeah. His personality is awful, but I loved his music, so…

Oogami Banri: I gave him a “yes” for that. And then it was like that approval I gave started to pile up.

Takanashi Tsumugi: Connections between people can be like that, too, huh…

Oogami Banri: …..Tsumugi-san…. Are you done with work for today?

Takanashi Tsumugi: Yes.

Oogami Banri: Then I’ll walk you home. I have something I want to ask you for advice about.

Takanashi Tsumugi: Advice…. Okay, of course. I’ll get ready right away!

~ to be continued ~

6.3.4. Future path

Kujou Tenn: …..

(door opens)

Kujou Tenn: I’m home.

Kujou Takamasa: Welcome home. Aya went to sleep already.

Kujou Tenn: I only got home just now. The flowers in the living room are pretty.

Kujou Takamasa: Right. Apparently they’re called blue star.

Kujou Tenn: Blue star? A pretty name.

Kujou Tenn: That…

Kujou Tenn: …What’s with that luggage?

Kujou Takamasa: I’m thinking about leaving Japan.

Kujou Tenn: …..

Kujou Takamasa: There’s nothing left to do for me. With “Zero”, everything I had to do is finished.

Kujou Takamasa: I wanted to make you into an idol who surpasses Zero. I wanted to take revenge on Zero, but…

Kujou Takamasa: All of that stopped mattering when I saw that performance.

Kujou Takamasa: Thank you, Tenn.

Kujou Tenn: ….Kujou-san….

Kujou Takamasa: ……

Kujou Takamasa: You’re free, Tenn. You can change the family register back, too.

Kujou Tenn: …….

Kujou Takamasa: I’ll leave Aya here, too. She begged me to let her go with me. Eventually, she fell asleep because she was tired from crying.

Kujou Takamasa: But rather than taking her with me, it would be better for her if she was with Yotsuba Tamaki at Takanashi Productions.

Kujou Tenn: You took us in, and now you’re going to throw us away just like this?

Kujou Takamasa: You want to be free from me, don’t you?

Kujou Tenn: Nobody said that.

Kujou Takamasa: Didn’t you try to sacrifice yourself to free Aya from me?

Kujou Tenn: Didn’t you say you would turn me into a star that surpasses Zero!?

Kujou Takamasa: You already surpassed Zero.

Kujou Tenn: …..

Kujou Takamasa: The people who watched “Zero” must have noticed it already. And the people who didn’t will notice it, too.

Kujou Takamasa: Zero’s era is over. All that’s left is to forget it. And I, too, have become a person that isn’t needed anymore in the new era.

Kujou Takamasa: It’s just like Nanase Riku said, I used money to buy you.

Kujou Takamasa: I wanted someone to take revenge on Zero with. For my own desires. You can be free from that.

Kujou Takamasa: Are you not happy?

Kujou Tenn: Stop talking so selfishly. My life will never return to the way it was.

Kujou Tenn: I’m not going to try and get back the opportunities I lost. But I don’t resent you, either.

Kujou Tenn: But after dragging so many people into this, selfishly just burning out and disappearing overnight is…

Kujou Tenn: Isn’t that no different from the Zero you hate so much?

Kujou Takamasa: ……

Kujou Tenn: Please stay here, Kujou-san. Please watch over us… over the new era.

Kujou Tenn: It’s too early to retire. There’s got to be things only you can do. Even I…

Kujou Tenn: I was happy and thought that I could finally talk to you normally…

Kujou Takamasa: …..Tenn…..

Kujou Tenn: I don’t know where the future will lead me, either. I will have to find a new way to live.

Kujou Tenn: After Riku already did, please don’t stop being my fan, too.

Kujou Takamasa: ….Haha. That’s absurd. Nobody could forget someone like you. I can’t, and Nanase Riku can’t, either.

Kujou Takamasa: You move people’s hearts, we can do nothing but love you. That’s why you’re a star.

Kujou Tenn: I wonder about that… Riku doesn’t need me anymore, and you’re suddenly deciding to pack your bags.

Kujou Takamasa: Sorry… I’m really regretting that.

Kujou Takamasa: But I really don’t know what to do from here.

Kujou Tenn: …..If you’re saying you have nothing to do, then this time, it’s my turn to buy you with money.

Kujou Takamasa: ….For stage direction related work?

Kujou Tenn: For now, you can help with the housework.

Kujou Takamasa: I’m not good at that…

Kujou Tenn: I know.

Kujou Tenn: Listen to me, Kujou-san. Disregarding me for a moment, Aya lost a person she called her parent twice already.

Kujou Tenn: If even you throw her away, she will never be able to trust anyone again. Please think about that seriously.

Kujou Takamasa: …..But she says she wants to get married.

Kujou Tenn: To whom.

Kujou Takamasa: To me.

Kujou Tenn: ……

Kujou Takamasa: There’s no way I can take her along like that, right?

Kujou Tenn: …I will be talking to Aya.

Kujou Tenn: Aya was raised in a complicated family, so she might be confusing her feelings of admiration for a father with romantic love.

Kujou Tenn: But it would be unfair to just decide that for Aya… so I will properly listen to what she has to say.

Kujou Tenn: Kujou-san, as her father, please think seriously about a way to make Aya happy.

Kujou Takamasa: …I understand.

Kujou Tenn: Where is your passport?

Kujou Takamasa: Eh?

Kujou Tenn: Give me your passport. I’ll be holding on to it.

Kujou Takamasa: Are you serious?

Kujou Tenn: Should I burn it right here?

Kujou Takamasa: ….. Be careful with it so you don’t lose it.

Kujou Tenn: I’ll do my best.

--

Kujou Tenn: ……I’ll have to consult Yotsuba Tamaki about Aya’s future.

Kujou Tenn: Now that I think about it, Yotsuba Tamaki didn’t seem to be feeling that well during the barbecue.

--

Ousaka Sougo: I wonder if this sound is too heavy… Maybe I should make it a bit lighter.

(knock knock)

Nikaidou Yamato: Sou…. Sou!

Ousaka Sougo: Ah… Yes! Come in!

(door opens)

Nikaidou Yamato: Sorry, did you have your headphones on? Even though I was calling for you for a while, I didn’t get a reply. I even considered texting you on Rabicha.

Ousaka Sougo: Why would you send me a text when you’re right outside the door…. Sorry, I didn’t notice you….

Nikaidou Yamato: It was just a joke, don’t take it seriously. Were you composing?

Ousaka Sougo: Yes. I’m listening to what I did in the studio once more…

Nikaidou Yamato: It’ll be the title song of the drama, right? The last time you played a main role and also composed the title song was for “Koi no Kakera”, wasn’t it?

Ousaka Sougo: Back then, it was Sakura-san’s song. Our success was probably because both Tamaki-kun and I got drawn in by that bright song.

Nikaidou Yamato: That was the result of both of your efforts. I’m sure it’ll go well this time, too.

Ousaka Sougo: That’s true… I’m still fumbling around, but I kind of want to give more of a shape to the song.

Ousaka Sougo: Family bonds… If I could turn my connection with Tamaki-kun into a song… Like you did, Yamato-san.

Nikaidou Yamato: Like I did?

--

Takanashi Tsumugi: Even at night, it’s hot. I want to eat ice cream.

Oogami Banri: I want to have a cold beer.

Takanashi Tsumugi: It’s summer, after all! So, about the thing you wanted to talk to me about…

Oogami Banri: It’s about Tamaki-kun. He originally said I should forget it, so I wasn’t sure if I should be talking about it…

Takanashi Tsumugi: Tamaki-san… Now that I think of it, he seemed kind of unhappy today…

Takanashi Tsumugi: Did something happen with Tamaki-san?

Oogami Banri: He seems to be having a lot of doubts regarding his own future.

Takanashi Tsumugi: …What kind of doubts could that be…?

Oogami Banri: ……..

Oogami Banri: He asked me if taking a break from IDOLiSH7, MEZZO’’ and his idol work for the time being would be fine.

Takanashi Tsumugi: A break from his work as an idol…

Takanashi Tsumugi: Does that mean he wants to go on a hiatus…?

~ to be continued ~

----

TL notes:

3.1. 角煮 - kakuni - a braised pork dish simmered in dashi, soy sauce, mirin, sugar, and sake.

3.2. Crayfish shells are known to contain chitin, which has healing properties.

Yuki references the first four lines of the Tale of the Heike at Momo. We changed the metaphors so it makes sense without the context, but it should have a similar feel. Haruka-kun did all of the work for that, though, lol.

3.3. 死神 - shinigami - a kami (deity in shinto) that is associated with death

犬神 - inugami - a dog-like kami

付喪神 - tsukumogami - a kami that resulted of something (an object or an animal) becoming a 100 years old, definitions vary

悪路王 - akuroou - we put it as 'oni king'; it's a type of oni leader in Japanese folklore

Aaah~ We survived another chapter! Mod Riku here. This time, I really tortured Haruka-kun with the editing. Just kidding! We both took a bit to deal with… (gestures at the TL notes). Updates will be sporadic, by the way. That being said, please direct corrections etc. at our inbox or our DMs!

[d1g1tald1saster]

A lot of QSMP incorrect quotes

prepare yourself

Slimecicle: I would never say that my wife is a bitch and I don’t don’t like them. That’s not true… My wife is a bitch and I like them so much!

Foolish: Yum, thanks! 

Kidnapper: *puts more tape over their mouth* I said stop eating it. 

Etoiles: The ‘how the fucks’ and 'why are you so dumbs’ don’t matter. All that matters is that I have a new gun. 

Jaiden: I'm a nice person, but I'm about to start throwing rocks at people. 

Bad: Underestimate me. That'll be fun. 

Slimecicle: Well, if you're not at least a little bit gay for your friends, then what kind of friend are you? 

Philza: My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight. 

Forever: *slowly pushes a cannon into a 17th century bank* Okay everyone, be cool. This is a robbery. 

Roier: My life isn't as glamourous as my wanted poster makes it look. 

Cellbit: I only have two emotions: exhaustion and stress. And I’m somehow always feeling both simultaneously. 

Jaiden: My aesthetic is "would be suspected of witchcraft by small town citizens." 

Slimecicle: Operation no more distractions is a go! 

*not even 10 seconds later* 

Slimecicle: Oh, look! A butterfly! 

Roier: Drink your school, stay in drugs, and get 8 hours of drugs. 

Bagherra: The only thing I'm guilty of is being adorable... ...and also assault with a deadly weapon. 

Quackity after the show: I have been tricked, I have been backstabbed, and I have quite possibly been bamboozled. 

Bagherra: What, I can’t be in a bad mood? It’s like people think, “Oh, Bagherra is such a nice person, Bagherra is so happy-go-lucky! Bagherra can’t be in a bad mood!” Well, you know what? Bagherra CAN be in a bad mood. And right now, Bagherra IS be in a bad mood. 

Forever: If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "thank you" is all I need. 

Forever: Not all this "how did you get into my house" business. 

Badboyhalo: My expectations were low but holy fudge. 

Quackity: When I see initials carved into a tree with a heart I think it’s so romantic. Two lovers on a date... one of them carrying a knife for some reason. 

Quackity: Assert your dominance over your friends by kicking them in the face, and then giving them a little smooch on the forehead! 

Slimecicle: The waiter at Olive Garden has been grating my cheese for 6 hours now, waiting for me to say when. Customers are screaming. Three people have died. 

Slimecicle: I will not yield. 

Badboyhalo: I just learned a way to get furniture cheap. Steal it! 

El Mariana: I love saying 'fuck me' because it can either be sexual or self-loathing and those are two things that describe me perfectly. 

Etoiles: *cocks gun* Go to Bed. This is no longer a request, This is now a Threat. 

Badboyhalo: I'd roast you, but my mom says you can't burn trash. 

Badboyhalo: *slow-mo walks out of the room* 

Roier: I can't believe there's a cat somewhere in my house. Amazing feeling. Love cats. And he's here, in my house! Somewhere! And I may encounter him! What a treat. 

Etoiles: I’m sick and tired of being called 'mortal' like, you don’t know that. Neither do I. I have never died even ONCE. Nothing has been proven yet. Stop making assumptions. It’s rude. 

Jaiden: I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. 

Foolish: If we were in prison you guys would be like my bitches. 

Roier: Why are you on fire?  Badboyhalo: This is just how my day is going.

Slimecicle: Murder literally doesn’t hurt anyone! 

Wilbur: What are you talking about? Of course— 

Etoiles, holding out a hand to shut Wilbur up: No, no, they have a point— 

Badboyhalo: Well, Forever and I finally did it! 

The rest of the squad: *gasps, shocked expressions, etc.* 

Badboyhalo: That's right... We held hands! 

Roier: To everyone who has treated me poorly; I am sexier than you. 

Roier: Wait, if baby oil dissolves condoms, what does it do to babies? 

Cellbit: Believe it or not, babies and condoms are made of different materials. 

Jaiden: It’s like rock paper scissors. Baby oil defeats condom, baby defeats baby oil, condom defeats baby. 

Bagherra from across the room: Rock also defeats baby!

Philza, holding a kettle: Coffee or tea? 

Forever: Tea, please~

Philza: Wrong. It's coffee. 

Slimecicle: I’m gonna die alone. 

Wilbur: Slimecicle, you’re not gonna die alone. 

Slimecicle: Mariana, was my safety net, okay? We got divorced and now I have to get a snake. 

Quackity: Uh-huh. Why is that? 

Slimecicle: If I’m gonna be an old lonely person, I’m gonna need a thing, you know? A hook. Like that guy in the subway who eats his own face. 

Slimecicle: So I figured I’ll be “Crazy Man With A Snake”, you know? Crazy snake man. 

Slimecicle: Then I’ll get more snakes, call them my babies. Kids won’t walk past my place, they will run! RUN AWAY FROM CRAZY SNAKE MAN! 

Forever I got us matching friendship bracelets, and you say I don't care about our relationship. 

Badboyhalo: These are handcuffs. 

Forever: Yeah, 'cause we're partners in crime! 

Badboyhalo: I want to be like a caterpillar. 

Forever: Explain?

Badboyhalo: Eat a lot, sleep for a while, wake up beautiful. 

Forever: You know they have a lifespan of a week, right? 

Badboyhalo: 

Badboyhalo: That's just another highlight! 

Bagherra: My stomach growled super loud in French. 

Bagherra: I would like to clarify, my stomach did not speak in French. It growled during a meet up with the French creators. 

Badboyhalo: Bonjour. 

Cellbit: Le growl. 

Forever: Hon hon hon, feed me a baguette. 

Foolish: *sucking on a popsicle* 

Roier: Pfft, you practicing for when Vegetta gets here? 

Foolish: *takes a huge ass bite out of the popsicle* 

Roier: *Concern* 

Badboyhalo: Hey, if you type in your password, it'll show in stars. 

Badboyhalo: ********* see! 

Foolish: hunter2 

Foolish: Doesn't look like stars to me. 

Badboyhalo: Foolish: ******* 

Badboyhalo: That's what I see. 

Foolish: Oh, really? 

Badboyhalo: Absolutely. 

Foolish: You can go hunter2 my hunter2-ing hunter2. 

Foolish: Haha, does that look funny to you? 

Badboyhalo: Lol, yes. See when YOU type hunter2, it shows it to us as ******* 

Foolish: That's cool. I didn't know this site did that. 

Badboyhalo: Yup. No matter how many times you type hunter2, it will show to us as ******* 

Foolish: Awesome. 

Foolish: Wait, how do you know my password? 

Badboyhalo: Er, I just copy pasted YOUR ******'s and it appears to YOU as hunter2 cause it's your password. 

Foolish: Oh, ok. 

Etoiles: Slash gamemode creative. 

Bagherra: Dude, this isn't Min- 

Etoiles: *starts levitating* 

Jaiden: Who else is hiding in the laundry room trying to listen to Max and Quackity's convo? 

Badboyhalo: Me. I'm in the laundry basket. 

Jaiden: I'm in the washing machine. 

Foolish: I'm in the closet. 

Badboyhalo: We accept you Roier. <3

Foolish: No I'm literally in the closet. 

Badboyhalo: Love is love. <3 

Badboyhalo: I've connected the two dots. 

Foolish: You didn't connect shit. 

Badboyhalo: I've connected them. 

Bagherra: Bagherra! For the love of god, please turn down that music. I have a hangover. 

Forever: *blasting the mii theme at full volume* That sounds like a you problem, not a mii 

problem. 

Philza: I’ve become a bread crumb dealer to four crows at the lake. They pay me with a bit of everything. Like shiny things, fabric, or pens. But recently they paid me with a 20 dollar bill they found somewhere. So I decided to buy them some more expensive bread. They loved it. So they understand what to do. Give me money. I’ve probably racked up about 200 dollars at this point. Is it morally wrong though, I mean. They’re the ones who steal the money from others. Or perhaps they just have a big pile laying somewhere. Should I keep on doing this? 

Badboyhalo: You sound like the start of a Batman villain. 

Philza: So, Wilbur is no longer allowed to take the trash out at night. 

Chayanne: Why? 

Philza: Because I've caught them trying to train raccoons to fight five times in a row. 

Wilbur, arms crossed and pouting: You'll be thanking me when the third raccoon battalion saves your ass. 

Roier: We need a diversion. I say Cellbit gets naked. 

Cellbit: No. 

Roier: I could get naked. 

Everyone: NO!!! 

Badboyhalo: Sometimes I wonder if I’m hearing voices. 

Badboyhalo: Then I remember that’s the last bit of sanity I have trying to get me to fall asleep at a reasonable time. 

Slimecicle: Hello, McDonald's, I would like to purchase 130 chicken nuggets. Prepare yourselves. 

[kukuandkookie]

I just raved about this to my friends but oh my GOD I LOVE CROSS ALFJSKDHSJS

He’s such a skrunkly to me!!! Look at him being both scary and badass and unhinged but ALSO SO CUTE

HE’S JUST,,, A LITTLE GUY 🥺🥺🥺

A little guy the other demon calls a pervert/creep (biantai in Chinese, aka the characters for hentai in Japanese) and also full of murder, but still a little guy!!!

He was chasing this other demon down (who also has a nice design 👀) and when the other demon finally admitted some things…

Cross just moves on and tells him he wants to know if the demon can eat the leg he just dropped KDSGJSDJFSHAHA

Cross has depth: he can sweetly comfort you, deeply yearn for you for years even after you’ve forgotten him, be unhinged and yet also hinged, and is also horny as all hell 🤣

On the comforting part, it is genuinely sweet:

Eli: “You don’t have the right to decide what kind of person I am!” Cross: “Naturally. All I can do when a certain someone who’s too much of a try-hard goodie-two-shoes...is give them a hug.” Eli: “You—!” Cross: “I don’t think you were wrong.” Eli: “. . .” Cross: “No matter what you’re thinking in your head, I don’t think you did anything wrong.” Cross: No matter what you become, I’ll always…

BUT THEY GET INTERRUPTED: 😫

(Cross’ mood after the interruption is my mood hahaha)

So back on Cross’ depth, when I say “deeply yearn for you for years even after you’ve forgotten him,” I really do mean it,,, ;o;

SPOILERS BELOW!:

Cross and Eli’s backstory is actually really cute (and sad),,,

I want to learn more 🥺

ELI GIFTED HIM AN EARRING THAT HE CAN USE TO ALWAYS FIND/COME BACK TO ELI,,, Cross asked, “Aren’t we always together?” and Eli said sometimes they’ll still be apart 😭 BUT CROSS REMEMBERS WHEN HE TRIED TO COME BACK TO ELI VIA THE EARRING…:

Cross: “This how you use it…right?” Cross: Cross: “Eli?”

I am truly getting overly attached to this little demon who, upon realizing his memory of the past (?)—where his favourite person was gravely injured—is a nightmare…

He sighs in relief and hugs said favourite person despite them now being “not-as-nice” to him. 🥺🥺🥺

And ELI REALIZES HIS EARRING FELL OFF AND PUTS IT BACK ON HIM 🥺

They’re just so,,,, there’s so many layers to them and I’m so excited to see more of them!! Can’t wait for the next chapter. ;w;

[shadow-says-hello]

(I know you posted this like a long time ago) I wanted to ask if we could get a pt2 on the werdo where stoowarb got tickled by parlsona can we pls get a pt2 where the stoob boi gets revenge?

The Mess On Air Island- Part 2!

Summary: Stoowarb gets revenge on Parlsona for tickling him!

I’ve been meaning to write a part 2 but I haven’t been online so…anyways thanks for enjoying my first fic!

Lee!Parlsona and Ler! Stoowarb (keeping it platonic)

🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

Stoowarb thought about it.

He sat up in an air island tree and pondered, while eating a cupcake.

He narrowed his eyes at the yellow female tall werdo, and watched as she had a conversation with the wubboxes, riff, and reebro.

He knew the day has come. Parlsona couldn’t possibly just tickle him like that and just let it go.

Stoowarb was going to tickle her.

He thought about his plan, and then put it into action.

Stoowarb changed his mood to one that was cheerful and not so mischievous and hopped down from the tree, walking over to his friend.

“Hey there, Parls! Whatcha doin?”

She turned around.

“Oh! I’m just chatting, wanna hang out with me?” She asked.

“Sure! You know, we can talk, climb trees like we used to do when we were younger…make some food…” Stoowarb kept his cool and listed some activities for the both of them to do.

Parlsona beamed and joined Stoowarb. They headed to the bakery to get some fresh cookies and then began climbing a large air island tree.

Stoowarb sat in the lower branches, not wanting to climb too high. Parlsona sat on a same level branch but not the same one.

They chatted and ate cookies.

“So have you heard any good news lately?” Stoowarb asked.

“Good news? Uh, well, I don’t know, Bowgart got a new cello? Tweedle hasn’t told me much, haha.” Parlsona said, taking another bite of her cookie.

Stoowarb had a good idea in mind.

“Wanna hang upside down?” He asked.

“Sure!”

The two werdos began to hang upside down on the lower branches. They did it with ease, they could hang like that for hours.

Until…

“Uh, Stoob…my…my hoof…it’s s-stuck…”

“Huh? How’d that happen?”

“I-I don’t know! Can you help me dislodge my hoof?”

“Does it hurt?” Stoowarb asked, his plan working out, just making sure his friend was safe.

“No.” Parlsona answered. “Can you get help please? Please Stoob?”

Stoowarb hopped off the branch he was on and walked in front of where Parlsona was dangling.

Stoowarb then smiled playfully and evilly.

“Well, I cannot get help.”

“S-Stoob…you can’t leave me hanging here…help me please…” Parlsona had a wobbly smile on.

“I’m sorry, Parls. This is revenge from a few days ago. I didn’t let it fly past.”

Parlsona widened her eyes and dropped her jaw in disbelief.

“STOOB!!!!!!!” She cried, nervous about being tickled by him.

“I’m sorry, please forgive me!” Stoowarb said, digging into her armpits that were dangling.

Parlsona immediately burst into loud laughter and waved her arms, but Stoowarb wasn’t budging.

“HAHA-WAIT NO STOOWARB I AM SORRY!”

“Well I just really needed revenge! Besides I never got the chance to tickle you yet!!!”

“BUHUT-AHAHAH!!! IM UPSIDE DOWN! AH!”

“Yeah, that was part of my plan…”

“YOU HAD A PLAN!!!!!!??!!?”

“Yup…” Stoowarb smirked. “Don’t come after me after this, I’m just making it even…”

“WHAHAT’S THAT SUHUPPOSED TO MEAN!!!!!?”

“Stoowarb scribbled into her ribs and sides, making her cackle and release very melodic laughter. It was like music to Stoowarb’s ears, he loved making his friends laugh.

“Well, remember you pretended you were the tickle monster and nommed me?” Stoowarb asked.

“YES! DOHONT YOU DARE TAKE MY TITLE!!!!” Parlsona screeched.

“I’m not, I just wanted to see if those tickles affected you!”

“WAIT-NO-NONONONONO!!!!!!”

Stoowarb blew raspberry after raspberry on Parlsona’s belly, nomming her sides a lot and nuzzling his face in. He found this hilarious.

Parlsona was kind of enjoying herself too but was also starting to get tired of hanging upside down the whole time.

Stoowarb blew on last *giant, and I mean giant* raspberry on Parlsona’s belly one last time, making her scream and giggle before stopping.

Parlsona caught her breath and stared at Stoowarb, he stared in her eyes back.

There was a moment of silence between the two of them, where Stoowarb just had a mischievous look and Parlsona had a grumpy one.

“Will you help me down already?” Parlsona broke the silence and asked.

“Yep yep sorry sorry sorry” Stoowarb dislodged Parlsona’s foot and helped her down safely.

They tickled each other a whole lot after that and…eventually teamed up to tickle the other werdos.

The End!

🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

PLATONIC I JUST SEE THEM AS FRIENDS

[rianafying]

i’m having a really bad day emotionally. idk if it’s my period hormones or bpd but i’m just in a really sucky mood today. yesterday i recovered from one illness that i had since late jan. i’ve been desperately waiting to feel better and this morning i woke up with another kind of illness. and i’m doing my best to recover from this as well. and something triggered my abandonment response and im just having a really really hard time right now. and i can’t even freely talk about it to anyone or even write about it in my journal. i’m just. so sad right now. i’m not abandoned but i feel that way. i have been feeling abandoned for a while now and a small thing that happened last night really amped it up. then this morning i woke up with a crazy amount of physical pain and fever from said illness and im also severely dehydrated because i have been too upset to drink water so i’ve been forcing myself to drink lots of water all day. and had to take painkillers and sleep the fever off. all by myself. i hate being by myself. but it was worse when i was living with family back in bangladesh. somehow i felt even lonelier and more horrible there. lately i’ve had very little hope about myself and my future. i’m just going through a rough time mentally. so are my loved ones. i’m sobbing as i’m writing about this. this isn’t even bad. like it’s just my mental illness over reacting and my hormones possibly amplifying the negative emotions. but nothing terrible has actually happened it’s just that i wanted something and i can’t have it and even in my dreams, my desires plague me. it all sounds vague but that’s on purpose because i can’t openly talk about it. even when faced with much greater difficulty, i have handled things better but right now even though it’s not actually that bad, i feel exceptionally sad. i did my groceries. made the right decisions. i literally did my very fucking best today. and yet i feel nothing but awful awful awful. even some self hatred and self pity. i’m having a hard time trying to logic myself out of this one. maybe it just needs some time. the problem is that i don’t have all that much time to give. i have a class early tomorrow and it’s one of those classes that i really have to participate in and even though i normally look forward to this class, im dreading it right now. i dont have the energy to learn a whole bunch of things right now. and my friends invited me for drinks after classes, which is great but sucks because i literally have 5$ in my bank account to last me the whole week, and today was just monday. idk how this happened. actually i know exactly how this happened, i paid of my medical bills when i got paid this weekend. that’s why i have nothing left. but it’s a big relief. that i have paid off all my hospital debt. it’s a huge deal. and it’s done. now temporarily i’ll struggle a little but it’ll be okay soon. also it was just 11:11pm and i made a good wish. i’m going to try my best to bring it to fruition. rn im still a bit sick, and im not gonna beat myself up for having a bad couple of days. i know im doing my best. my best is not as good as other people’s but it’s mine. and i am choosing to go easy on myself. i’m feeling a fever coming back. the plan for the rest of the night is to maybe rest till my fever goes away. then watch the movies i downloaded w the library wifi, because guess what, i didn’t have money to get wifi this month. so i barely use my data and i try to download as much as i can at uni and at the library. it has been kind of good for me. to be off the internet mostly. this reminds me i should deactivate my instagram soon. idc if i loose my work flow. or maybe try to find balance between life offline and online. after i’m done resting and my fever subsides, ill boil some eggs and what not. i deserve to eat well. nvm im back to crying in my fetal position. oh god i feel so bad. i feel so bad right now. i can’t do anything about this. and the things that i can fix, i don’t. this is literally my life. crying about things i can’t control and ignoring the things i can control

this is the worst i have felt in 2024 so far. i’m so sad that it’s giving me a headache. i’m so disoriented and confused and tired and sad i don’t wanna do anything. i’m depressed as fuck. why does this happen to me. oh god i let a couple of hours pass, and i’m doing a little bit better. this is so stupid.

[goldeneyedgirl]

Year of the OTP - January Prompt (Kiss): Never Again

Am I late? Yes, but I have a brand to maintain. Just a little human Alice/vampire Jasper twilight ficlet because it's been a hot minute since I posted more than snippets.

PG, nothing outside what the books showed us.

never again.

It’s over before it begins. 

But she knew that before she started. When she lay awake in bed this morning, before her alarm went off, the knowledge is simply there in her head. That this is the last time she’s going to see her bedroom. No more paper flowers, no more shoes stacked on the old ladder she painted purple, no more bed with too many pillows. 

And the last time she’ll hear her parents argue; she can already hear her father ranting at her mother, and it’s not even nine. There hasn’t been enough morning for her mom to piss him off. 

Maybe she realises this is the last time she’ll see her mom, as her mother lectures her about leaving her stuff around, about a million things that all add up to her not being good enough at being a daughter. She eats and agrees and puts her plate in the dishwasher and leaves her mother to her bad mood. 

Cynthia is still asleep, and she’ll leave her little sister dreaming. Maybe it’s cowardice, maybe it’s a way to convince herself she’ll come home again and she’s just being weird. Maybe she’s just going to have another grand mal seizure and this is the impending doom feeling that the doctors talk about. 

Except she’s not feeling much doom. Just certainty she’s never coming home again. 

Jasper picks her up just after ten, and she steps into her boots. Her and Cynthia bought them together in Biloxi before they moved; hers are purple and Cynthia’s are yellow, and she painted flowers on both of them. And when she puts  on hers, she leaves Cynthia’s sitting there alone; a long splash of colour amongst the brown and black shoes of their parents and suddenly feels inexplicably guilty. 

But she still leaves and she doesn’t look back. 

—

Jasper is… Jasper is kind of someone she knew before she ever met him. It’s weird. She knows how to make him smile and laugh, and she doesn’t even know how. He’s kind of like gravity - she can’t stop herself from getting closer. 

(He never did tell her what he and his family were. Are. It was safer, better, if she didn’t know, he had admitted. Just that they were different and very, very dangerous. She had grinned at him, and told him “not for me” with a certainty she felt. Yes, she knew it as confidently as she knew that grass was green and water was wet. Jasper and his family were no danger to her.)

She feels like the best version of herself with him, she feels like everything is so much easier with him. 

And it feels stupid (her mother tells her that she’s being ridiculous, endlessly talking about some boy she hasn’t even known for a semester. That she’ll get into trouble, and Alice wants to retort that Jasper has only held her hand after he asked permission, and hasn’t even kissed her yet but she also doesn’t really want her parents to know that much about Jasper. That she wants him to be hers, something kept special and secret, and not ruined by the stupid, petty shit.)

It’s been months since she met Jasper, and it’s taken so, so long to break down all his walls. To get answers that were longer than a single sentence, a perfunctory reply. To get him to ask questions back and to tease her, to grin at her, and even take her hand. 

To text her back, and call her after curfew, talking about everything and nothing until she falls asleep with the phone pressed to her cheek. 

Jasper is everything, and if the last person she’s with before it’s all over, she likes that ending.

—

It’s a good day, a daisy chain of simple things that is just them together. She gets a doughnut and a slushie (both of them cherry), and he grins at her as she enjoys her treat and tries to explain her mother’s obsession with staying thin and banning dyes and sugar and processed food and basically anything that anyone actually wants to eat. 

(Jasper frowns at that, his eyes darting to her skinny legs in her leggings, and she pretends she doesn’t notice because yeah, she’s too thin. Like mother, like daughter: Cynthia got their mom’s blonde hair and brown eyes, and Alice inherited her eating disorder. Today’s a good day, though.)

He drives her out of Forks and they go to a little beach along the highway, one that is more gravel than sand; the water is still and grey like a mirror. Then he invites her back to the Cullen place, to that gorgeous house full of light and art. She meets all of Jasper’s family - properly; because she knows his siblings casually from school, but she’s never spoken to them before. Carlisle and Esme (who smile at her and welcome her, before they both vanish deeper into the house), Rosalie and Emmett (Rose is cold to her, so precisely polite that Alice has no doubt where she stands in Rosalie’s view. Emmett smiles and winks at her, but doesn’t break rank with Rosalie), and then Bella and Edward, seated together at the piano - a much warmer welcome, even if Bella is half-hidden behind her hair, and Edward continues to play. 

It’s a fun home, and an interesting home. Lots of art and ornaments; there’s something fun about their graduation cap wall, and she tries to count them all  before Jasper tugs her along to see the rest of the house.

She’s standing on his desk chair inspecting Jasper’s bookshelves - so many in Spanish and she’s impressed by that because she was always hopeless at Spanish in school. And he’s got so many books, but he’s laughing at her because Carlisle’s study is ‘worse’, apparently. 

When Emmett knocks and sticks his head around the door, she doesn’t think twice about accepting his invitation to the baseball game. It sounds fun. 

It’s been a good day, it’s been easy to forget that the end of it is already decided. So she pushes that aside, and claps her hands when Jasper agrees, jumping off the chair right as he reaches to help her down. 

A good day. 

—

The baseball game is thrilling and it makes her laugh. They’re so fast, and everything happens before she has a moment to compute it. They just fly around like it's nothing and she cannot imagine how fun, how good it must feel to be able to move like that. 

It’s easy to forget everything, and then the Cullens freeze. For a moment, she’s confused, wondering if she’s having a seizure or something, because they are so still. No one moves. It’s like the has world frozen and she was the only one left. 

She can barely see the people at the edge of the forest, but they felt familiar in a way she couldn’t explain. Red hair, blond hair, black dreads. Dirty clothes and bare feet. 

She’s never going home again, she remembers. She knew that this morning. She doesn’t know why she remembers that all of a sudden. 

Jasper is beside her in a second, his hoodie around her in a second. She doesn’t understand why but she wraps herself in it. She feels kind of sick and twitchy, but when Jasper pushes her over to Esme, she goes calmly. 

“It’ll be okay.” The words are so quiet, she can barely believe anyone has spoken. But Esme looks at her with sad, worried eyes and she smiles feebly.

The certainty is back, and Edward shoots her a sudden sharp look, but he’s too focused on the newcomers, and she’s overwhelmed by the way the men are crowded to the front; Bella and Rose are on her other side and she feels like telling them it’s all okay. She knew this would happen when she woke up this morning. 

She still came. 

(The conversation around her feels muffled and like it’s in another language. The redheaded woman prowls around, and she feels very young, very childish in the face of her. The guy with the dreads seems half-bored, half-confused. It’s the one with the ponytail that has his eyes on her, wide and dark; the kind of grin that make girls hold their keys tighter and walk a faster in the dark.) 

She doesn’t know what triggers it, not at all. Maybe it’s because she’s disassociating and wondering why she didn’t bring water and a snack. She’s really hungry all of a sudden.

And then the man lunges and there’s yelling, and it’s like… she’s stuck in place and everyone is moving around her, that she is the centre of gravity, pulling everyone closer. 

Esme pushes her out of the grasp of the red-haired woman and she stumbles, and there’s more yelling, and this awful grating noise and everything is just a blur of colour and motion and dirt flying up around her. 

And then she is in somebody’s grip, somebody grabbing and pulling and the look of horror on Edward’s face lets her know whomever is behind her isn’t one of the Cullens. 

(The snap of her collarbone is sharp and her vision sparks white, her shoulder popping out is red and fuzzy. If her own scream joins the cacophony, she doesn’t hear it.)

She stumbles and is torn back upright and then there is a blur of pain and wet and the sour smell of rot and the uncomfortable proximity of the male and… 

And…

(She hopes when Cynthia outgrows those boots, she keeps them. And she buys another pair - pink or bright blue or orange. That she paints flowers on her shoes and hangs dolls and daisies and butterflies from her window, and ignores their mom when she falls in love. She hopes she has a big, beautiful life.)

—

She can smell smoke and it sticks to her, oddly floral and sickly. Her neck burns and she’s so goddamn cold and she can’t seem to move at all because she’s just so tired. 

She never realised that blood smelt like that, but she’s never been around so much of it before. There’s something fascinating that all she is and was and was meant to be is just… going. 

“Alice? Alice?”

Jasper is there and his hands feel so warm on her face and she tries to open her eyes, tries to focus, tries to smile but everything feels soupy. 

“No, no, no.”

His mouth is soft as he presses it against her lips, and maybe it happens quickly or maybe it lasts forever and ever but he comes sharply back into focus for a moment, all dark eyes and golden hair and he really was … hers. Her person. 

“Don’t you dare, Jasper!” The yelling sounds very, very far away and Jasper’s going all fuzzy again.

That was her very first kiss. Her first and last. She’s glad she had one. She’s glad because it was perfect and it with him, and she’s pleased that he offered it. She didn’t want to go without a kiss. 

Her neck feels so hot, it’s almost too much. 

“It’s too late.”

She’s never, ever going home again. 

[clunelover]

I’m SO HAPPY these days. Work is continuing to go great, but I am also fitting in time for cooking and lazing, as is one’s sacred duty when one’s boss is out of the country for two weeks. Friends and family stuff is going well…plans are in motion to do thanksgiving at stepmom’s house since I successfully alerted everyone that I wasn’t going to host both that and Christmas. Now, we shall see how that ends up - in the past she’s often had some sort of breakdown and/or medial emergency right around thanksgiving that have made it so I have to sweep in and do all the cooking. But, if that happens again, we will have that data for next year. Look at me, not worrying about it for now!

Jeremy seems to be extra loving and caring lately - like, he always has been, and we have always both been very affectionate, but it feels like he’s putting in some kind of extra effort to do things for me, or tidy more things up to have me in a better mood. He has scheduled a secret date for us on Saturday - a hold on the family calendar that says “don’t worry about it” lol.

Things with the kids are different one day to the next, but we’re coping and I just keep thinking, as C gets older and has more mastery over his emotions, things will only get better. We had their teacher conferences last week and they’re both very smart - C is a math whiz and E is a reading whiz. Sounds like they’re both doing well enough with their social connections and have friends (I asked E’s teacher about her reports of crying often at school and being called a “cry baby,” and she said the crying must be happening in other classes because she only saw it happen once, when E had to have school lunch and it was something disgusting that she refused to eat. And that even if she is crying a lot, it’s not holding her back from having close friends).

Things are going great with my new mycology habit, and I have started giving some away - excited to grow more and do more of that. Haven’t started microdosing yet, want to wait a full week since my macro dose last Friday.

I’m working out a ton.

The one thing that is stalled is writing. And I guess reading too! Although I just got a great new audiobook so that’s going to pick back up. I was struggling in part because I had my list of old books to try, and put a million holds on audiobooks via the Libby app, but then they all kept coming ready at the same time, so I kept trying to delay delivery, but some of them I didn’t get to on time so the hold completely lapsed, and then my library card expired so I can’t manage the holds at all so I must visit the library in person to renew my card. Oh and somewhere in there I did have The Magnificent Ambersons and was trying that but could not get into it, like I was an hour+ in and nothing had happened. This was part of why the other holds bubbling up had to be put back on hold. But anyway, I saw I think it was @frances-baby-houseman recommending Flux and saying it was like a cross of Interior Chinatown and [some other book that I didn’t recognize but I don’t care because I loved Interior Chinatown SO MUCH so that’s all I needed to know]. Anyway since that’s a new book I went ahead and splurged on it via Audible and now I have something to read again. Haven’t read much yet but it grabbed me right away.

[thatinsufferablenerd]

A Day Late and a Dollar Short

I know, I’m late. It’s been kind of a weird week. The kids have been home for Thanksgiving break so refereeing takes up more of my time. We’re using the fireplace to keep the house warm instead of the heater, and tending it takes a surprising and annoying amount of effort. The daily high temperature has taken a pretty sharp decline from 70 degrees (F) last weekend to 50F today. My husband has been working this week too, which is such a relief. I’m still casually job hunting and having nightmares about working. Everything is fine and dandy here. : )

Holidays haven’t been great for me since becoming an adult. At first it was my work schedule keeping me from those events, and then it was realizing my dad’s family is not fond of children combined with the stress of my realizing just how big my husband’s family is. And then I realized I hate crowds and most of my in-laws, and that my own family (barring my mother) doesn’t really like me. And then we moved out of state, away from both our families. Every time a holiday comes around I try not to wade into the mires of what could have been or what actually was. It’s better for my mental health, it’s better for everyone involved, really. But the inevitable dip in mood and staring into the middle-distance are familiar companions to the holidays I’ve come to despise. 

I know that I’m bad at making and keeping friends. Finding things to talk about, getting past that boring fucking small talk, responding to messages, initiating conversation, sitting on the phone, all things that take energy, which I notoriously have very little of. I’m bad at it. I know that. I’ve also been traumatized by family and former friends being dismissive of or outright ignoring my interests, that I’m too much. I don’t want to bother anyone. I don’t want to answer the same three questions of ‘how are you?’, ‘how are your kids?’ and ‘how’s your husband?’ with the most bland variations of ‘doing well, thanks!’ forever. In spite of that, I’ve always wanted a close relationship with my brother and parents. I tried. I worked at it for ages. Inviting them out to do things, sending messages, making the time to call regularly and talk, trying to get into the hobbies they liked to spend time with them, to have something to talk about. Nothing worked. And it simply comes down to the fact that they don’t like me as a person. That I am undesirable company to them. Too different and unpalatable in comparison that only the most obligatory gestures are worth extending. 

So I try to be grateful that I have excellent excuses not to go home for the holidays. I can’t be at any Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner, I live a thousand miles away and too broke to travel, can’t leave my dogs even if I did. My kids are picky eaters anyway. One won’t eat meat (or anything else really), and the other is so sensitive to texture that convincing them to try anything new is a frustrating uphill battle. We didn’t even have Thanksgiving dinner here because it’s too much effort to go through for just my husband and I to get sick of the leftovers. We had mashed potatoes and pumpkin pie with our normal dinner (that my youngest didn’t eat anyway). 

I got roped into a group chat with presumably family (half the numbers were family in my contacts but the other half was unfamiliar to me) to get the once a year ‘Happy Thanksgiving’ text and have nothing else directed at me or be engaged in conversation. Watching them talk about the normal expected plans from the outside opened up those old wounds yet again. It was a text chain, I couldn’t leave the chat and stop getting the notifications. It made me want to scream. I sent my mother a message, she told me their plans and what she had made, told me she would call me later. I still haven’t gotten that call. For a split second I imagined what it would be like to host my family or my in-laws at our house and literally started dry-heaving with the panic and revulsion I felt. 

God, I fucking hate the holidays. 

I wish I could tell you I finished my goals for November easily. That I got Bleach and Beowulf off my to-do list so I could move on to the impromptu picks in December. Unfortunately, I cannot do that. My entire month got derailed being caught up in reading the first two books in the Aurora Project series and being–ugh–social. I can’t say I’m that upset, however. I’ll just make Beowulf my classic pick for December and City of Last Chances my contemporary pick. When I finish Bleach, I’ll jump into Dan Da Dan. It’s such a popular series right now, and deservedly so. I want to read it week-to-week like I’m doing with One Piece, Spy x Family, and My Dress-up Darling. 

I have read the first couple chapters of City of Last Chances. That’s about all I’ve read in the last week that isn’t something I wrote or Discord messages. I wish I had taken the chance to sit in front of my fireplace with my book and just read. No distractions, no shouting from the other room, no getting up to let the dogs in or out every ten minutes, not being chained to the desk so I can reach the hookah hose. I wish I could hide in my bedroom or in my swing and devour half the book in a day. Maybe more. This book was compared to Les Miserables by Victor Hugo, a book I read and loved in high school. I just want to enjoy Tchaikovsky’s book. I want to get lost in it, I want to put together all the worldbuilding crumbs and find characters to like. I’ve liked what I read so far. 

I guess I can’t complain too much though. I’ve been very busy writing. It feels so nice to be productive again. In the interest of full disclosure, I write all the time. Yeah, Discord messages, but even though I’ve been slowly working on my project the last few months, I’ve been doing text RP instead. Probably more than one hundred thousand words over the last year, divided between me and the partner. And that’s ONE RP. I’ve been in others, too. But getting back to my project, adding about 6.5k in the last ten days, has been as strange as it has been satisfying. I kind of missed putting MS Word in the corner in a tiny window to work while I watch YouTube. I missed my process of reading and light editing in the morning, writing through the day and ending with a couple pages further than I started. 

I finally got my white board time this week too. I updated my map and notes, something I’ve been needing to do for a while. There’s still a lot to do, honestly. I didn’t want to get bogged down in the worldbuilding and fall into that pit fall, but I need a lot more than I have. I’ll be working on that this coming week. When my brain isn’t so wrapped up on being a diplomat between kids that pretend they hate each other. It’s been a while since I’ve had whiteboard time and I did genuinely miss it. My brain is so full of ideas right now that I can’t help but wonder if it’s just backlogged from being depressed and otherwise occupied. It also remains to be seen if any of the shit I’ve come up with is any good. 

The only thing I’ve been watching recently is the Dan Da Dan anime, which is fantastic and well worth the time. I could write an entire essay about it, and I probably will once I get into the manga. Until then, I’m starting to crave watching movies again. Ever After with Drew Barrymore and Shakespeare in Love with Gwyneth Paltrow are kind of my romance staples. Comfort watches I’ll put on when I’m needing brain stimulation or just want to turn my brain off. I want to watch the Spy x Family film since I haven’t yet. I want to watch Mononoke the Movie too. The art style alone has my interest before knowing that it’s derived from the television series of the same name (which I also might try to find to watch). I’m looking forward to spending a little time without headphones and on my couch instead of the desk. 

Here’s a list of some of the good fucking food I watched on YouTube this week: 

-The Chaotic Beauty of Momo and Okarun’s Love: Safeties on Rookie

-Is Our Obsession With Girlhood Infantilizing Us?: Shanspeare

-Are We Too Sensitive For Fiction?: Below the Fray

-Where is the Line Between Anti-Hero and Edgy: Savage Speaks

-How Tariffs Actually Work (ft Liz Dye): Legal Eagle

-How the F*ck Did Trump Actually Win?: FD Signifier 

-matt walsh crosses another line: The Queer Kiwi

-The Magic System Paradox: Tale Foundry

-Fantasy vs Reality: five weapons fantasy gets wrong: blumineck

-How to Write Better Chemistry: The Closer Look

-Flyswatting; How to Keep Unfair Fights Interesting: Squampopulous

-You’re Writing Themes Wrong: The Closer Look

-How AI is Killing Our Ability to Dream: Jessie Gender

-Capitalist Necromancy: The Danger of Nostalgia as Merchandise: Final Girl Studios

-The Problem With Smart Characters: MediaRetrospective

-Fan Letter: One Piece’s Impact : MelonTeee 

-The Paleogene Period (That We Know of) ft Ben G Thomas: Lindsay Nikole

Everything on this list specifically gave me something to think about and has stuck with me after watching. I watch more than just educational content, but I don’t include any of it in these lists not because I don’t think it’s good fucking food, I do, I just want to focus on the videos I watched that gave me food for thought. 

Stay safe out there, y’all. You are loved and deserve the best.

[musingthrough]

Love and Gods

Can also be read on Ko-Fi. This probably shouldn't count as a drabble anymore but I'm going to argue it is anyway lol.

--

The Blue Meeting room is smaller than most in the castle. It’s an old, old room. The kind that hasn’t been used since the castle was built out into the near city size it is now. The old temple is nearby, but that’s about it. The rest of the castle functions no where near the Blue Meeting room.

Which is probably why Quincy has made a habit of using it since his family was murdered. There is no imaginary whiff of smoke so far from the main Meeting Hall, no blackened stone. The recently crowned King cannot avoid the central parts of the castle, no matter his memories. Carter can’t blame Quincy for scheduling what he can in this distant hall.

“Thank you for joining me, I know it’s quite the walk.” Quincy says once the table has been set with a grand breakfast spread and tea.

“It’s not a bother.” Carter assures. “I spend most of my time in the temple anyway.”

“Priest Rehan says you’ve changed the temple quite a bit.” The King says with a bit of a smile, pouring them both a cup of tea.

“I’ve been restoring it.” Carter huffs but doesn’t roll his eyes. He can’t. It’d be misread.

“Well, no one is more qualified for such a task.” Quincy chuckles. They talk about nothing as they eat and it’s nice. And yet Carter cannot help the slight tension in his shoulder as he wants for Quincy to acknowledge it. The thing he has been avoiding for weeks now. The thing that Carter knows will ruin this little bubble they’ve created in the very back of the castle.

Today, it seems, is the day Quincy finally does it. Breakfast is over, the tea is cold, and while Carter has time to spare, the King does not. They stand to say their farewells and Quincy pauses.

Carter refuses to sigh, even as he desperately wants to.

“This is incredibly improper of me, and I hope you will the take no offence.” Quincy begins, taking Carter’s hands gently. The shorter man lets him, although he doesn’t look up to meet the King’s gaze. “I’ve grown quite fond of the time we spend together. No one else brings my mind peace. Outside out meetings it is a constant battle to stay focused on the present and not relive that day. But with you it is easy. With you, thoughts of flames bring warm not fear.” It is a sweet confession, one that Carter does not deserve. Not when it was his flames that killed Quincy’s family. “I would… I know it is improper but I…” Quincy leans closer, giving up on finding words to say what he means. It would be so easy for Carter to accept this. In fact, Carter’s sure it be rather nice to send his days here lounging in the King’s affections.

And yet, it would be so, so cruel.

He shifts his head away before Quincy’s lips can connect to his check.

“You should not fall in love with a god.” Carter warns, his tone carefully void of emotion. That doesn’t keep Quincy’s mood from dropping. The king drops his hands and takes a step back, all familiarity forgotten between them.

“Of course.” He says. “My deepest apologies Your Holiness, I should never have acted so bold. I meant not offence.”

“And I felt none.” Carter assures, already exhausted. “I’m flattered, really, and if I were mortal I would be more then willing to see where this went.”

“Then…” Quincy starts but doesn’t finish. Even a King cannot question a god and Carter sighs. This, he doesn’t say, is part of the problem.

“To watch an immortal remain as you age is no simple pain, and that is the best case.” Carter himself hadn’t been so lucky. Falling in love with a god is what got him into this mess. Stuck replacing a man that hadn’t warned him before he vanished.

“Would the pain it not be worth the joy?” Quincy asks. No, but people can rarely be convinced of that.

“Even if it was, you’re in love with the person you see but I am not a person Quincy.” Carter attempts something different.

“Of course you’re a person.” Quincy argues. “I can see you right now. I can-” He reaches out but stops sort of touching Carter. Such a thing is too improper.

“You can see what used to be a person.” Carter states. Quincy doesn’t look convinced. Why would he? Carter didn’t, when he was mortal. It is too foreign a concept. Carter does not pace. He cannot. It would be seen as anger, and the anger of a god is not a thing that can be expressed lightly. He does run a hand through his hair, desperately looking for a way to convince Quincy to give up this crush before things come to ruin.

“A good king looks at his kingdom and sees it’s people. A good god does not.” He tries to explain, lips pressing tight together for a moment. “My job is to keep the world turning, and I cannot do that and see individuals.”

“But you do.” Quincy says, frowning slightly. “Else people would not have your favour. Else you wouldn’t have saved me.”

“You are the first person I’ve actively given favour to in centuries, if not longer. Usually favour comes with fate or luck or study. And I’d just as quickly give it to your sister or father to save them instead.” Carter argues then, as Quincy takes breath to say something, he continues, “and not for the sake of saving them. A ruler must set on the Ember Throne to channel my power, as a ruler must set on all the temple thrones. For reasons you don’t have the life span to understand because you are mortal and I am not.” Carter takes a deep breath, aware his voice has risen and he can’t have that. If someone thinks the God of Fire is angry at his own King, there won’t be a Kingdom left to have a throne.

He hates this. Carter’s always hated this. It’s exhausting to watch his every reaction, to so thoroughly control his emotions. This is why he gave up his physical form in the first damn place.

“If it were that simply, you would have let the man who killed my family be King.” Quincy claims with a quiet sort of conviction and Carter fears he cannot fix this. Cannot rid Quincy of this crush he should not have. “It was his right, after all. He bested the House of Flame with your flames. The throne was his.”

“That’s a rule mortal made, not me.” A stupid rule that works because – technically – anyone with a connection to his flames can sit upon the Ember Throne. “And it doesn’t mean much. I did not want a cruel person on my throne, that’s all.”

Except that’s not all. It’s true, of course, but there is more. There is a god that likes cruelty, a god that Carter and his peers have been chipping away at piece by piece. Carter’s certain a piece will end up in that man, so shunned by the God of Fire that he dedicated his life (his cruelty) to. And when it does, Carter will destroy the man to hurt the god. And before he does, the man will kill more people.

Because that is what it is to be a god. Thinking ten steps ahead, sacrificing people that have no say in the matter, watching every reaction he has to avoid even further death. And mortals cannot love that, not truly. They can love an aspect of him, they can love what they see, and they will willingly ignore the rest.

“I disagree.” Quincy claims. “I think you are kinder than you think, that you are more a person than you think.”

Carter just sighs and gives up arguing.

[back2badhabits]

03/30/2023

Y’all I’ve lost 3 pounds since my last entry woooooo. I’ve been able to keep under 800 every day this week. I haven’t even eaten anything today yet.

I had my first in-person therapy appt yesterday where I intended to break up w my therapist using the excuse that my psychiatrist said I need a psychologist but she got mad and uh it didn’t end up happening. I’m seeing her again Monday.

I told her abt all the food stuff and mentioned that I wasn’t rlly looking to change it. She said she wasn’t worried bc I wasn’t like deathly thin and when I mentioned my bmi she said it was “good”. When I talked abt how I purged a few days ago bc I didn’t like the feeling of being full, she was kinda like “ah yeah, I get it” lol?

She also just like. Does not comprehend so many things. She doesn’t think I’m psychotic or schizo despite that being why I’m on the meds I’m on, despite the delusions, despite the hallucinations. She just doesn’t understand a lot of Asian stuff and like will say things in just,,, not the nicest way. She got aggressive w me right after a long talk abt how react extremely negatively to any perception of aggression or anger. God. Idk what to do.

She thinks I wouldn’t qualify for hospitalization which is cool.

Oh, also, she thinks all this food issue stuff is more impulse mood-disorder issues than eating disorder issues which is. So cool. And I totally bet it’s because of my size ah hahah. Fuck.

Whatever. Whatever whatever whatever.

I have a massive beer in the fridge I want to find an excuse to drink but I also know that beer is like a shit ton of calories, ugh.

I wanna just keep fasting tbh but I know I can’t because I have to take my meds with food or it causes almost unbearable nausea. It’s so much easier to just fast and have nothing than it is to eat and restrict and try to make sure you don’t overeat.

I’m so tired dude.

03/31/2023

12:18 am

I just got off the phone with O a little while ago. I asked them and C to video call me while I cooked bc I was scared I might leave the stove on again or something, and I wanted to take my pill early since I have to be up early tomorrow for a passport photo appointment.

Yeah, so much for that.

I ended up throwing up after eating because I was so nauseous. I had about 615 calories before I did. I threw up about 1/4-1/3 of it so today’s cals are really like 489.

O found out and then asked how much I’d had all day. I told them what the number was before throwing up and they got super freaked out and yelled at wouldn’t let me finish my sentences and I cried and I just want to die. I used to think of such wonderful and fun and beautiful times whenever I thought of them but now I can’t look at them or think about them without hearing what they sound like yelling. I hate it. I bet now when they think of me, they only think of horrible things too.

I don’t know if I want to go back. When people yell here at least, I can go sit in my room and close the door and be with my stuff and drink to cope if I want. I can’t do that there.

I don’t feel safe with anyone anymore.

I’m so worried about C too. I gave them weight concern issues when I was there and they started restricting their eating and O keeps talking about my issues and my calories and stuff with them and I know that that must be all kinds of triggering but even when I say they shouldn’t and even when I try to imply it’s not something to discuss in front of them, they don’t listen. I don’t know what to do because O will be upset if I don’t tell them things but I don’t want to keep risking triggering C worse since this just becomes an inescapable lifelong thing.

Fuck everything dude, I want a coma.

[tryst-art-archive]

October 2012: "Omissions"

            I have to change the names. I want to be honest with you, but already I must change the names. If I don’t, you could carry what I say here right off this page, take it out your door and walk it down the street, and somewhere out there it could cross city lines and wind up in the wrong town or maybe it would go farther and pass the state border and find itself in the wrong car without Mass plates and maybe from there it might even cross the whole country and wind up on the doorstep of someone who deserves nothing from me and yet I would not have him know what I actually think of him for all the world. If I let you carry the truth off of this page, you may give it to my friends and my family and the people I once knew but know no more and then they would know how I lie to them, in my silence, always in my silence, and I have so, so much silence.

            I cannot give you a complete truth; I haven’t enough pages. When I think about something I also think about myself thinking about something and I think about me thinking about myself thinking about something and I think about me thinking about me thinking about myself thinking about something and it goes on and on until I have a massive array of perspectives and ideas and ninety-five percent of them don’t add up, and I am excessively indecisive. What would I like to eat? I don’t know, that question is endlessly complicated. There’s what I want to eat, given any choice at all, there’s what I want to eat that’s practical, there’s what I want to eat that’s affordable or available, there’s what I want to eat that takes into consideration your needs as an individual joining me, and so forth and so on, and all in a second, so I just have to say “I dunno” and leave it at that. The Corgi—the names. I told you—has pointed out that when I say “I dunno,” what I mean is “I have a great deal of thoughts but for some reason I will not tell them to you, at least not without significant prodding.” Note also that “I dunno” is different from “I don’t know” because in the latter case I actually don’t know. The Corgi is frighteningly wonderful in this way. I spent most of my late childhood and adolescent day dreaming of this theoretical Nonexistant Man who would sweep me off my feet and marry me and we would have a wonderful life together, and his primary feature—aside from handling my every need and whim because I’ve yet to meet a woman or a man who didn’t think, for a time at least, that that’s what lovers are for—was that he would know what I was thinking without my having to say it because lord knows I can’t and that would really make things simpler. Well, the Corgi does this, has always done this, and he can do it with anyone because he is part Sherlock Holmes, part Data (Star Trek: The Next Generation, if you didn’t get the reference and if you didn’t, I’m not sure we can be friends), and part just about any character you can think of who is violently intelligent, gifted with observational skills, and utterly unable to reconcile those tendencies with normal social behavior. Of course, the Corgi has the Asperger’s-esque element far less than such characters do, but to hear him tell it, it’s just that he has a set of social stylesheets that he applies to any given situation, so it’s really more robotic than social interaction, but in any case we’ve been sleeping with each other and staunchly refusing to call each other boyfriend or girlfriend for a year and a half now, so he’s obviously full of crock and sometimes childhood fantasies aren’t total shit.

            Sometimes.

            The Black Lab was my second boyfriend, “rebound guy” (mum’s phrase; she always says it with derision which is both perfectly justified and rankling), fling, or three-month-long one-night-stand, depending on who you talk to and what kind of mood I’m in and how recently I’ve heard from him. We enjoyed(?) a prolonged flirtation period; it was drawn out first by the fact that my self-esteem was too shot, in freshman year of college, to accommodate even the idea that anyone who was not a schlub—I was dating a schlub at the time who had gone from treating his major depression (and battalion of other mental disorders) to definitively not and consequently exacerbating my own struggle with dysthymia and suicidal tendencies, and while there are a set of mitigating circumstances that make some of the events of those couple of years very human and understandable, they do not change the fact that, at the end of the day, this schlub was a massive asshole, if one in very poor circumstances, but that’s another story for another time—second by the fact that I was dating a schlub, and, when I stopped dating the schlub, by the fact that I simply didn’t want to have a rebound. After a couple of months I finally decided I’d actually spend some time with the Black Lab, and after a couple of dates that I was very determined would not be dates (but they were dates) we wound up schtupping and, of course, then we had to date. For a month.

            Well, the break up was under amicable circumstances up until the Black Lab texted the next day to see if I was free and, of course, sex happened. Well, it was inexplicable fuck buddies for two months—I did plenty of crying because, let’s be honest, I’m not cut out for this kind of bullshit—and then he went to L.A. and two months later he had a new girlfriend—I knew from Facebook that it would happen and who it would be before he even left, and that was just from incidental gleaning, so that was nice—and then I had the Corgi in short order too, and we never spoke again except to say hi on birthdays. Or this was true until I noticed that the Corgi and I had been dating for about a year and a half and also noticed that it was the Black Lab’s birthday.

            “Oh!” I thought, looking at Facebook’s birthday reminders. “I suppose I’ll wish him a happy birthday. It’s not as if I have anything against him.”

            This phrase is far more complicated than it appears, which is quickly realized when one notices how often I say it in any discussion of the Black Lab. It becomes a mantra, an excuse, an apology, and an accusation (flung at myself) all at once. I say something negative about the Black Lab—“He’s a tool,” for example—and quickly follow with the mantra—“I don’t have anything against him.” I mention that I’ve talked with the Black Lab recently and alongside “We were just shooting the shit” I also say, “and anyway I don’t have anything against him.” In conversation, this is negligible; it shows up about once per conversation and as the fellow has little to no presence in my life, the conversations are spaced enough for the mantra to go unremarked. But, as I said, I think about myself thinking, and I know I do this. I know I “don’t have anything against him” and I know that this is both true and false and I know that it is meant to deceiving myself and others. Above all, it is an excuse.

            Now then. When one wishes and acquaintance a happy birthday on Facebook, one anticipates that the acquaintance will say nothing at all, express their thanks in a comment that is just as obligatory as the birthday wish was, or, if they are feeling friendly, they may attempt to catch up with the birthday wisher, though still in a comment. It happens that the Black Lab did not do any of these things. Instead, he expressed his gratitude via text message—somehow we have both kept the other’s number, though that’s as likely to be an act of laziness as anything else. This befuddled me, and, much wiser than when I first met him, I suspected foul play, and so I was compelled to poke that foul play with a stick.

            “Yeah, no problem,” I typed and re-typed, cursing AutoCorrect. “Have a good one! :)”

            “There,” I thought. “Ball’s in his court now. Ho ho.” And so I went to go about my day when my phone dinged at me again. I read: “I plan on it! So how’s your life? What’ve you been up to?” and a barrage of other, almost identical questions.

            I decided that I have nothing against the guy and so I answered his questions as briefly and honestly as possible—I had recently done a design internship; I was pretty well; I had a new apartment in Brookline and I was very excited about it. I of course returned the courtesy: “What about you?”

            The conversation drifted back and forth for a day and a half, primarily covering the uninteresting topics of day-to-day life but eventually including some bragging on the Black Lab’s part and absolutely nothing that wasn’t simple friendliness on mine, as I carefully considered each of my responses. At one point, he revealed that he was headed to Vegas for his birthday. Lacking anything intelligent to say about Vegas, he said, “Well if you ever visit, I could take you!” I raised an eyebrow at that and decided to try to joke it out of existence: “Haha, I’d need money for that.”  With the next ding of my phone, I got the gem of the conversation: “You don’t need money. ;)”

            Well, I ignored that one and went back to pleasantries, meanwhile locating the Deer (my best friend), the Corgi (the aforementioned not-boyfriend-but-gentleman-caller), and the Coyote (the Deer’s girl/boyfriend, currently transitioning from female to male), and sharing the entire text chain, and especially that gem with them for a bit of giggling. We enjoyed our cruelties, mocking the Black Lab and concocting ways to embarrass him (never enacted). The Deer remembered the Black Lab and held no love for him—she remembered the state I’d gotten into—and asked the Corgi what he thought of this. The Corgi laughed and said, “He’s not a threat.”

            It was around then that the Black Lab asked if I was seeing anyone, to which I replied that I was, though we were hardly official, though we’d been seeing each other for a year and a half. I, of course, returned the courtesy: “What about you?” Well, I knew the answer, of course, but I wondered what he’d say.

            “I have a girlfriend that I’ve been seeing for a year and a half. It’s been nice, but I’m getting tired of it. We’ve got a three year age difference, and it’s kind of difficult.” I had a chuckle to myself—this was the same age difference he and I had had previously—and expressed my sympathy over the age difference before asking if she knew about this. She, of course, did not, and so while I tried to convince him to maybe not surprise her with that—his argument “ignorance is bliss” hardly impressed me and I felt for the poor girl, having been more or less in her shoes—I asked the Corgi what the Black Lab could be up to. “He’s got this girlfriend still, I’ve told him I have a gentleman caller, and I’m on the opposite coast besides. What’s he even doing?”

            “He’s looking for an ego boost,” the Corgi said. “The break up will make him feel guilty, so he’s trying to convince himself that he’s still got the magic—“

            “—And I’m a safe choice because I’m on the opposite coast where nothing can be acted on, plus we’ve been involved before so he’d have thought there was a good chance that I’d respond positively.”

            “Exactly.”

            I accepted this as fact and when the conversation with the Black Lab piddled out, I was mildly disappointed. Part of me wanted to reconnect—not as lovers, obviously, but as friends. “Oh, indeed?” thought the part of me that thinks about me thinking. “And how does that make sense? This tool? And he is a tool. He’s a womanizer, no matter how you look at it, and a dishonest one at that. Not only do you have nothing in common but he also clearly has no moral worth; look at his behavior!”

            “This is true,” I admitted. “But I still have nothing against him.” The second layer of me rolled its eyes and said, “Well it’s done now. Look: it’s been two weeks!”

            And indeed it had, and in that time, the tiny disappointment had vanished, and I had forgotten to think about the Black Lab at all. Indeed, I did not think of him again until the Corgi and I lay in my bed one night after he’d gotten out of work. It was about four in the morning and we were discussing Spec Ops: The Line when my phone went off. “Who the fuck is texting me at four in the morning?” I exclaimed, sitting up topless and groggy. “I mean, what the hell—“ And then I laughed. “It’s the Black Lab!” The Corgi snorted in response as I read, “So I have a question... (sorry about the late hour)”

            I responded in acceptance of the question and shortly after laying back down received “Do you love your boyfriend?”

            The Corgi and I were bemused, laughing and wondering aloud just how utterly smashed was he? I answered honestly: I did, in an unrequited fashion. The Corgi and I resumed our mockery from two weeks ago with renewed vigor. I double checked that the Corgi didn’t mind my chatting with the Black Lab; he reiterated his conviction that there was nothing to fear from that (implicitly: utterly pathetic) quarter. As we made our merriment, the conversation with the Black Lab, oblivious to my gentleman caller’s presence, continued and eventually culminated in the revelation that he intended to visit Boston again, at the end of October.

            The Deer, the Coyote, the Corgi, and I spent the next day concocting schemes. I had decided that if this visit materialized, I would, in fact, see him. I had made it clear in the four A.M. conversation that any time spent together would not resemble our previous encounters and while he had expressed agreement, I hardly believed him, nor did the others (my phone was passed around, as if we were still sixteen, so all could read the scandalous conversation). As a precaution, then it was necessary to ensure that he could not get the wrong impression, and that meant company. Perhaps a bar that all of my friends and comrades—the Corgi included—just so happen to show up to? Or perhaps we have a Halloween party and invite him, and, once again, he is forced to be the odd man out. They were simple plans that amused us and made us laugh. In social terms, they were all means of saying, “You don’t belong here,” and on individual levels they conveyed more than that. The Deer’s suggested all suggested “Don’t you dare touch her” whereas the Coyote’s mischievous ideas implied “You, sir, a dummy.” The Corgi’s, curiously, carried an air of “She is mine”—his suggestions were all the cruelest—and I, just as oddly, provided the mildest notions, looking only for a way to say, “We are only friends now. Do you understand? That time is over.”

            For a few days I spread this story around. I laughed about it with my coworkers, mused on the curiousness of the whole situation—What could the Black Lab be up to, really?—with my roommates and gentleman caller, and I even used the material for a short monologue, writing a character who expressed the darker side of “I have nothing against him”—a character who, upon hearing from this old flame, at first ridicules him, and by the end of her two pages is wondering what to wear when she sees him.

            I turned this monologue into a class who critiqued it briefly, and they caught every nuance. They did not know it was autobiographical at all. They thought it was just a story. When asked what the woman would do, they agreed that she would see this old flame, and she would cheat on her new lover with him, and I left that class distracted and worried.

            I am a person who tried to hold on to principles. There are things I believe to be true, rules for behavior that must be followed, and I do my best to follow them. The trouble is that principles are fickle. I have, over the years, developed poor self control. With each of my ex-boyfriends I have said to myself “Well, I won’t have sex with him until such-and-such a point” and on every occasion that I have said this I have, within the week, immediately broken that promise to myself. I, in fact, expected it when the question of sex came up with the Corgi. I was not wrong.

            There was a time when I was sixteen when I decided I had had enough of religious education. They wanted me to go through Confirmation—to say I was a good Catholic who believed in God. This was a lie, a fundamental lie, as I had found it difficult to believe in God when I was seven; all belief was eradicated by sixteen. It was a lie that my mother wanted me to tell, however, because she believed that being Confirmed would confer certain benefits that may have come up later in my life. To the extent that she is my mother and I have always been an obedient child, I was willing to lie for her. At least, I was until the church asked me to write a letter to a bishop explaining what my confirmation name would be and why I had chosen it. This, for me, was the final straw. Passively sitting by and allowing Confirmation to happen was one thing. Actively enabling it and putting an absolute, filthy lie to paper, blaspheming the entire idea of spirituality in the process, was quite another, and so I returned home and in no uncertain terms explained to my mother that I would not be getting Confirmed. It was at this point that my mother offered me a choice: get Confirmed and receive, in exchange, a several thousand dollar laptop—the exact model I wanted at the time which included a tablet screen—or, do not get Confirmed, give a good explanation for why, and receive nothing.

            I agonized over this decision. What would I do? What could I do? Material goods, dearly, desperately wanted material goods, on the one hand, and my very honor and principles on the other. What were those worth?

            I have never been Confirmed. This remains one of the proudest moments of my life, solidifying a principle I’d intended to hold: Convictions Before Wealth.

            There is another principle I’ve intended to hold for a long time but never had opportunity to test: Never Cheat. No Exceptions (Unless In Forced/Arranged Marriage and Unable To Obtain Divorce). Obviously this caveat is somewhat ridiculous in modern American society, but I like to be thorough. In any case, the closest I ever came to testing this one was back when the Black Lab was flirting with me and I was dating a schlubb. As I mentioned, it was inconceivable to me, at the time, that anyone (besides the schlubb who was a schlubb and therefore exempt from normal rules) could find me attractive or worth their time. I have suspected for a long time, however, that if I had gotten past that idea, I would have taken the Black Lab up on his implicit offer, and at some point that would have meant cheating or, if I upheld the principle, leaving one person for another, which is just as distasteful to my mind. But, it never came up.

            And now here we are. There is the Corgi, who is almost all I could ask for, and there is the Black Lab, who is nothing I could ask for and yet is somehow still someone “I don’t have anything against.” The end of October looms, with its threatened visit, and I have already caught myself wondering what I will wear, and yet I am just as attached to the Corgi as ever, and just as unrequited. There is a choice to be made, and I desperately need my principles to win.