#also WHY are people so vague when saying these things

[makismei]

❝ ALL YOU EVER WANTED FROM ME WAS SWEET NOTHING!

⋆౨ৎ˚⟡˖ ࣪ geto x f!reader

cw: fwb to lovers, college!au suggestive content, modern! au, fluff, minor angst, MEN YEARNING, failing out of college, reader needs academic validation to live apparently

synopsis: he’ll love you, just as you are— even if you’re too soft for the world, he’ll gladly be your shield

suguru’s in love with you. it’s no secret.

as you lay on his chest, sweat slicked skin on skin, suguru wishes this pre arranged arrangement was more— he wishes you’d let him in, so he could love you more.

he tries, really. he wants to know you. anything about you.

at this point, he knows your body like the back of his hand. but your favourite colour? no idea. he would guess pink, but that’s only because you own a lot of pink tops.

you like sweets. recently, you’ve garnered a fascination for mochi donuts.

but all this information has come from his observant nature— you’ve never opened up to him, except for that one time, when you cried in his arms, seeking connection, another person’s warmth.

that was also the day you became friends with benefits.

whenever he tries to conduct a mini interview on you, you shut him out, telling him he doesn’t need to know those things.

he knows that you know he loves you.

he’s said it one too many times, when he’s most vulnerable, buried in you. but not once has he heard it back.

but it’s okay. he has a feeling that you’re starting to fall in love with him too.

you’ve started telling him about your day, as well as extremely vague plans for the next. suguru know he’s grasping at air, but he swears he can feel it in his hands.

“can we try?” he whispers, uncertain. to tell you the truth— suguru, as suave and handsome and perfect as he is, isn’t immune to insecurity. girls throw themselves at his feet, but he couldn’t care less because they’re not you.

you sit up. your warmth leaving him shatters his heart.

his room, air humid with sweat and sex, suddenly feels icy. but he gazes longingly at your back, at the scars on your elbows that probably have stories behind them— stories he craves so desperately to know.

“what’s so bad about it?” he continues, “is it me?”

“don’t ask stupid questions,” you retort. but he hears a shaky breath leave your lips, quiet cries filling the room.

he sits up, hand on your back. “look at me.”

he’s got you.

you shake your head, mindlessly bringing a finger to your lips, picking at the dead skin— a nervous tick.

“don’t do that,” suguru says, fingers cupping your jaw, gently turning your head so he can see your face. his thumb runs along your poor bottom lip, catching blood on his finger.

“i get overwhelmed easily,” you mutter, eyes glancing down in shame, “i shut people out when i feel too vulnerable and i’m mean.”

he huffs a laugh, thumb brushing against your cheekbone. “you’re protecting yourself and that’s okay.”

“i’m a shut-in, i don’t like leaving the house and i’m not romantic at all.” you continue and he nods, gaze never faltering.

“you like shoujo anime. especially the episodes with trips or big events.” he whispers, watching you pout. how cute, he thinks, like a petulant child who just wants to be noticed.

a tear streams down your cheek, wetting his thumb as he tries to wipe them away, but it’s like rainfall, so he lets you feel it out.

“i failed out of college,” you voice breaks, “the only thing i was supposed to be good at.”

you’re sobbing, head down in shame and suguru just pulls you into his arms. he rubs a hand soothingly up and down your back, heart absolutely shattering at the sounds of your cries.

“your failures don’t define you,” he mutters, “you’re still smart, capable and hard working. that doesn’t change.”

you pull away, staring him in the face and suguru thinks you’re so beautiful, so vulnerable in a way he hasn’t seen before.

“how do you know?” you sniffle, “you don’t know anything about me.”

he smiles, nodding. suguru wipes your tears, “i wonder why.”

you click your tongue, mustering a glare that holds absolutely no malice. he breathes a quiet laugh, “you’d bend over backwards for your so-called friends, even though none of them realize what you’re going through right now.”

“i don’t want them to know.” you refute.

“i bet you didn’t want me to know either,” he chastises, but it’s soft and his hands are so warm. “but i know now, because you’re important to me. i don’t want you to go through it all alone.”

you’re still glaring, but the crease between your brows have softened. “do you have a saviour complex?”

he shakes his head, “just a thing for damsels in distress, i guess.”

you pinch his arm. he takes your hand and it brings it to his lips. you feel warmth flood your body, but you don’t know if you deserve it.

“what if this ends up being the worst decision you’ll ever make?” you whisper and it’s the first time he’s heard you sound so insecure.

suguru cups your face in his hands, long black hair framing his face. his hair is so long that it tickles your skin, what would your parents say, when you bring home a guy with hair this long?

you can’t find it in you to care, because you know this guy loves you wholeheartedly. you don’t even know what you did to deserve it.

“it won’t be.” and it’s resolute, “haven’t i told you enough? that i love you?”

you nod slowly, tears finally drying.

he leans in, lips brushing against yours. “i’ll put in the work to make you believe me, to trust me.”

you laugh, “you don’t know what you’re getting yourself into.”

you realize here and now, that out of everyone in your life so far, suguru is the only one who doesn’t ask anything of you. he just loves you and it feels unbelievable.

suguru laughs, his forehead touching yours. “i should be telling you that.”

manga panel from my love story with yamada-kun at lv999 ^.^

[mindless-existence1]

Hiii!! I wanted to request a shadow x fem! reader who in the movie verse is a college student that found shadow and now partly takes care of him. Knowing shadow, he’d still be a loner but I’d like to think having an another younger female influence in his life could help him with Maria’s passing. I also think it’d be super cute if she taught him gen z/modern things. He’s just too precious in the movie omg☹️❤️

Authors note: I love Shadow he's my boy. Also I didn't come up with how they met so this is just them hanging out in readers apartment watching a movie together

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Your apartment in Green Hills wasn’t anything fancy—just a modest space with a small kitchen, a worn but comfortable couch, and a TV that sometimes acted up. But it was home, and apparently, Shadow thought so too.

The first time he came over, it had been an unexpected visit. You’d found him on your balcony, his crimson eyes scanning the street below like he was waiting for something to go wrong. You’d invited him in, unsure if he’d accept, but he had.

Since then, Shadow had started dropping by when he needed to escape the chaos of the world—or his own thoughts. Tonight was one of those nights.

He was sprawled on your couch, arms crossed, his usual stoic expression softened by the dim light of the TV. You had a movie playing, some action-packed thriller that you thought he’d enjoy. But Shadow seemed more interested in quietly existing in the moment.

“Popcorn?” you offered, holding out a bowl as you curled up on the other end of the couch.He glanced at it skeptically. “I don’t understand humans’ obsession with this.”

“You say that every time, and yet you always eat it,” you teased, shaking the bowl slightly. Shadow’s lips twitched, the barest hint of a smile, and he reached out to grab a handful.

As the movie played, you got caught up in the action. One scene showed the protagonists making a mistake that ended in a dramatic explosion. You couldn’t help but comment, “Oh man, those guys are cooked.”

Shadow’s ears twitched, and he turned his head slightly toward you, his brow furrowed. “Cooked? They’re not being prepared as food.”

You stifled a laugh at his literal interpretation. “No, it’s slang,” you explained. “It means they’re done for, like there’s no coming back from that.”

He frowned, clearly processing your words. “Why use a term that implies food preparation instead of saying what you mean?”

“Because slang is fun, and it makes language more expressive,” you said, grinning. “Besides, it’s just how people talk sometimes.” Shadow huffed, leaning back against the couch. “Humans are strange.”

“And yet, you keep coming here,” you shot back with a playful smile.Shadow didn’t respond immediately, his gaze fixed on the screen, but the corners of his mouth softened just slightly.

“Your apartment is… peaceful,” he said finally. Your chest warmed at his words. Shadow wasn’t exactly forthcoming with his feelings, so every little admission felt significant.

“Well, you’re always welcome here,” you said, nudging his leg lightly with your foot. “Even if you think popcorn and slang are weird.” He didn’t reply, but his crimson eyes flicked toward you for a moment, a quiet gratitude in his gaze.

By the time the credits rolled, you were explaining another piece of slang—this time, “vibe.” Shadow looked vaguely unimpressed.

“So, when someone says ‘good vibes,’ they mean a positive feeling or atmosphere?” he asked, his brow furrowed slightly.“Exactly!” you said, grinning. “See? You’re getting the hang of it.”

He shook his head, muttering something about “unnecessary complications,” but you just shook your head with a small smile. As the night wore on, you found yourself leaning against him, your head resting on his shoulder.

He didn’t move away, simply letting you stay there as the quiet hum of the TV filled the room.

In these moments, you knew Shadow found something he didn’t often allow himself: peace. And for as long as he needed it, you’d always make room for him in your little corner of Green Hills.

[gulliblelemon]

Sunday Snippet

From chapter 6 of Ally Wherever You Land. And possibly one of my favourite snippets of anything I've ever written. It was one of the first conversations I thought of when I had the original idea.

Erik takes the silence as surrender and ploughs on. “So,” he says,“I need to think of what we can do next. What else is queer?” He turns to Simon and looks at him expectantly. Vaguely, Wille notices that Erik has used the word ‘queer’ and wonders if there’s anything to unpack there. Simon continues spooning cereal into his mouth. When no one answers, he frowns. “Why are you looking at me?” “Because you’re—” Erik waves his hands vaguely around.  Unimpressed, Simon raises an eyebrow. Erik exhales tersely. “What do queer people do?” With a huff of humourless laughter, Simon shakes his head. “Exist. Whilst being queer. We’re not a monolith you know.” “I know that,” Erik says, impatient still. “But I’m running out of ideas here. So far we’ve just done normal things but with you there, plus a charity, and a queer concert.” “Did you actually just use the word normal?” Simon looks almost ready to breathe fire. Groaning, Erik snaps, “You know what I mean.” For a moment, Wille thinks Simon isn’t going to drop it. But then he just sighs and returns to his food. “I’m just a person, Erik,” he says through a mouthful. “I just do things any person would do. I just also happen to be queer. Stop overthinking it.”

[stellaclaw]

i can see your perspective, and to some extent i do agree. some of my favorite character in other fandoms are villains (something i have actually been attacked over lol).

when i say the books lack complexity, i dont mean the building blocks arent there. however, it needs to be heavily contextualized in that the writers often discard what they have- bonefall found an excellent basis the writers had set, but in crowfeathers trial, its often been noted that breezepelts edges are sanded down to make him more agreeable, and thus give an “easier” version to forgive- indeed, what we see of him in dovewings silence is very inconsistent from crowfeathers trial, and his arc is wrapped up rather abruptly and not even from his pov, when it really, truly should have been to give it a satisfying ending. furthermore, when crowfeather blames nightcloud for breezepelt hating him, we are to some extent supposed to accept that nightcloud was a problem. in the guide books shes described as jealous and bitter and coddling, and even on the official website she is assigned adjectives, and thus we are to assume her defending breezepaw from his father is bad and she had some hand in how he turned out.

the reason warriors is loved is because the pieces are there. but the writers continually neglect them, and in the end water down their own writing. breezepelt is one of the very few cases i mentioned where the set up is good enough that it can still shine while the landing was fumbled.

its why i have such trouble giving such leniency to appledusk. there is a trend in the books of such things, and so it is natural to become skeptical of the writers intentions, which im sure is something you can understand.

i can fully accept people wanting to see complexity in appledusk, and hes probably a character i would like in a “messy guy” sort of way, but there is a problem in parts of the fandom where people defend his cheating (usually by portraying mapleshade as a “buff scary woman” and depicting him as small and frail, and positioning reedshine, who he also deceived, as a therapist to him). maybe i can like him some day (i am number 1 frecklewish fan yes she did those bad things and it just adds flavor to her), but ive personally dealt with that sort of… gestures vaguely.

also dw about rambling lol i had no idea where i was going either. also didnt mean to assume, i spent a lot of time in the wcrp forums so my brain is just kind of attuned to read into things. that being said i responded calmly because i do not like to assume actual malice, doing so just makes a meaner fandom space and also prevents interesting discussions like this.

anyway if people are allowed to make excuses for bramblestar and fucking appledusk, I should also get to say that nightcloud did nothing wrong

[tranceinnumerabletabs]

When Johnny Comes Back pt11

Howdy again y'all! It's a pleasure to post another part of the story so many enjoy. I'm sorry if I diverge from canon too much?

tags: @supermegabitchboyexceptimagirl, and @beelzebee

part1, part2, part3, part4, part5, part6, part7,part8,part9,part10

His eyes shoot open “shit”

“What is it”

“….”

“What is it?” You ask more paranoid

“Nothing baby” he says quickly, eyes lost in thought

“What happened?” You ask more panicked. He looks at you and hesitates, no, looks resigned to what he must say

“It’s nothing” he insists through clenched teeth looking down, almost like it’s forced.

“Johnny please just tell m-“

“It’s nothing!" he snaps. You flinch in shock and worry covers your face. Soap looked so…conflicted.

You try to think of what to do, lost. Then you settle on just…sitting near him.

A bad silence shrouds the atmosphere. This wasn’t how you wanted to start your morning with the newly returned soldier. You feel the guilt in your stomach grow more and more. You just….didn’t think this would happen. You just snooped around a little because you were curious and…well…nervous. You never thought this would lead to this. You never knew what your roommate was up to. You, admittedly, dismissed a lot of the claims because:

a.a lot of misinformation are on these sketchy sites and b.you can never really know everything and c….you..didn’t want to believe it….silly but….unproven claims weren’t the first thing you wanted to think about when thinking of Johnny. No. When you saw those vague claims you didn’t think that the man who jokes about being in love with you was a war criminal. Those people be anyone. They could be the ones Johnny was fighting against, it the ones that shot him. Or…maybe it’s justified what they did due to unknown reasons…or…he didn’t know or it was out of his control. Can’t blame a soldier can you? Especially since Johnny tells you it’s just…well….he made his job sound boring sometimes. You’re beginning to think he just wanted to calm you down. He seemed like a calm guy so you believed him. Looking at Soap now? He’s tense, deep in thought and covering his mouth.

You reach out a hand to the pondering man and place it gently on his shoulder. “Hey” you softly say “look at me”

He tilts his head up, eyes troubled yet resigned somehow. “What can you tell me?” You offer, thumbing his collarbone. He places a hands on yours, leaning his head to it, deep in thought. He looks at you and cautiously says “it’s….something I thought I knew about someone I trust, turned out tae be true. Can’t figure out how anyone can know”

“So your friend’s secret was revealed?”

He nods “there shouldn’t be any way fer anyone tae find out fer sure….could be a lucky guess”

“Who did your friend tell about the secret?”

He shakes his head

“Not a soul to what I know.”

“Then how’d you know?”

“I didn’t. He never told me. I just….had a hunch. And it’s not like he doesn’t have his reasons”

“Was it a really bad thing?”

Silence for a moment.

“No. Bastard fucking deserved it.”

“Then why are you upset?”

“It’s….jus’….a surprise” and also no one should know, but it’s plausible to piece together.

“Does it make him worse in your eyes?”

Another silence

“….no. He did what he had to”

“Then did it make him better in your eyes?”

He thinks for a moment “aye. He took matters in his own hand.” His eyes, down and still contemplating the information, close tightly and his hand brings your hand to cup his face. He sighs, still upset about your knowledge.

“What do you think of me Bonny?”

You tilt your head in question. He opens his eyes and look at you “what do you think of me now?”

You’re silent, finding your answer. He doesn’t pressure you, feeling as if he’s telling you to take your time

“I….don’t know what’s the full truth about you. Everything I read is so vague, jumbled and confusing….” You trail off. He squeezes both your hands as encouragement to keep talking. His eyes glimmer with a sad desperation.

“….I don’t know what to make of this, Soap….even if you tell me the truth I have a feeling that’s not pretty either…” you stare off to the window somewhere. You don’t want to think you’ve entirely misjudged Johnny, and his saddened eyes just make you rethink a lot of things. You sigh “Johnny…I….” You shuffle a little “I still care for you...I wouldn’t want you anywhere in the world but here with me.”

He looked comforted by that, reassured that you’re not disgusted by him or think him responsible for some really bad shit.

“Tha’s good…” he sighs, still upset about you knowing anyway. He never wanted that hideous and cruel world seeping its stench into the paradise he’s created with you here. You lean into him more, offering your presence more fully. He looks at you with eyes that are a mix between his signature puppy eyes that always had you folding to his will and somber eyes that seem to apologize just for being here. He opens his mouth “I….” Sigh “I…”

“It’s okay Johnny….I’m sure it’ll all be okay…” He looks down, doubtful of your optimistic claim.

He stands up and looks down at you. He a big boy but he never felt intimidating to you. He was always the oversized golden retriever with a Mohawk who liked whiskey. You stand up too and hug him. “Never wanted ye tae s-“

“I know. But forget about all that. You’re home now”

He hugs back “I’ll clear yer name” he promises a while later. You nod “yes please.”

“And get rid of the agents”

“I’d like that. I’m sorry I ever got involved in this”

“I know….I’ll send this back to base…”

“Are you going to let your friend know about this?”

“Aye. If anyone should know it should be him”

“Good. He’ll appreciate it”

.

.

.

“Ye still love me right?”

You giggle bashfully at his choice in words.

“Why? Would you love me if I was a war criminal?”

“Aye, if Hitler had a wife I think I can have yer love”

“So you’re as bad as Hitler?” He groans. You lean up to kiss his cheek.

Then he grins “there’s my hero’s welcome”

[linearao3]

I don’t have a new Publish or Perish chapter and probably won’t any time super soon because I am very tired and also I hate that I am being accidentally Relevant due to H-1B Discourse. So please accept this tiny little interstitial — probably the only Kaz POV I will provide for this fic. You could say there are spoilers but I think it’s more like foreshadowing? This might not even be canonical to the fic. Who can say. But please enjoy.

—

He reaches for the phone out of habit, because that’s what he does now at night, look and see if Inej has texted him. And yes, she did just leave, but you never know.

She hasn’t texted. She just left; of course she hasn’t.

He thinks vaguely that he might have read somewhere that you should ask people to text you when they get home safely. He can’t remember if this was etiquette advice, or a devious way of making sure they kept thinking about you.

He’d had some notion, in his head, that after he kissed her, she might turn in the doorway and close her hand around his jaw, pull him down to kiss her. She is so warm, and her mouth is warmer, and he imagines — imagines too much, with too much of his time and too much presumption that he’ll ever find out — that it’s even warmer than that in her cunt.

He’s jealous of the stupid toy. He’s so smug that she likes it.

He types

Sex is so strange. I had all these notions of what I wanted to do, and I didn’t do any of them, and what I did do feels like the only good thing that has ever happened to anyone ever. That’s how I felt when you came to my office, too.

He never texts her first. He likes knowing she chose to start it, that she wants it. That she’s lying in bed thinking about him. He keeps typing.

The thing is that my brother died. And that’s the only thing that ever happened to me, really.

He’s forty — okay, no, he’s not forty, but he feels like he ought to be forty — and he’s tried to have sex exactly twice before now, once with Jesper and once with Imogen and they were both so disastrous he tries not to think about it. But he’s forty or thirty or whatever and he’s coming to the end of his debt and he will take care of Rollins soon, soon, pull out the brick of Marya Van Eck and everything will crumble. And then he’ll just be — a professor, he supposes. A professor with a good salary who could get stupid nice small things and could have friends over for dinner and could have a girlfriend. Because why shouldn’t he? Except that there’s a gaping savage maw where his heart ought to be.

I do still want to fuck you. I bought some condoms. I imagined you putting one on me, like a horny sex ed class with Dr. Ghafa, and I’d be so hard in your hand.

He jerked off before she came, with the idea that he might last longer when she was actually there, and he doesn’t know if he can physically manage three in a night but his body seems interested in trying it.

He was never really a teenager, he thinks— he woke up in the hospital whatever thing he is now, which wasn’t a child and has maybe never been an adult — so maybe now he’s doing adolescence as a crash course, an intensive study in constant graceless horniness and short-sighted stupidity.

You’re never going to forgive me. I want you to. You shouldn’t. It’s just that I’m selfish. If you asked me I’ll say that it’s because I promised you but it’s really because I just want to be able to see you sometimes. I want to be able to give you things. I’m not going to send this. I just got so used to telling you things. You are so beautiful and I want you so much and I am so tired. I’m going to sleep. Sleep well, Inej. Come and talk to me.

He force-quits the chat application, drops the phone, and falls asleep. He dreams Inej smiles, bright and vicious and righteous, and tells him he did everything just right.

[xvxblahhhxvx]

You know that concept I was talking about? Well, since I've got a lot of work to do today, decided to write at least part one of it. This ended up being 1.8k....heh heh, so it's under the cut. Ehem.

When Atsushi arrived 20 minutes late to work, he expected to be scolded by Kunikida for his tardiness.

He did not expect the entire Agency to have their attention on him the moment he opened the door.

"Uhm. Hey?" he said, getting increasingly uncomfortable with the way everyone had their eyes on him. They couldn't all be mad at him for being late, right? He had asked Kyouka to tell them he'd be there in a few (it was still so strange that she was a full-fledged member of the Agency now), and it wasn't like this was a common occurrence. So why was everyone staring at him like they wanted to say something, but couldn't find the words?

"Heyyyyy Atsushi," Dazai started with a light, slightly mischievous grin. He approached the confused detective and wrapped a long arm around him. "How was your weekend?"

"It was good?" Atsushi only became more confused as he attempted to slip out of Dazai's iron grasp. It didn't work.

"Good, good," said Kunikida with an odd expression. "That's...that's good."

"Mhm." Atsushi now turned to Kyouka, who had left half an hour before him. Although her expression too was stoic, there was a small furrow to her brow. He looked at her, pleading both for an explanation and an escape from his mentor who still wouldn't let go of him. She averted her gaze.

"Ok, that's it." Atsushi wrestled out of Dazai's grip and turned to stare back at the Agency. "What's going on? Why are you all looking at me like that? I was only twenty minutes late—"

"This has nothing to do with being punctual," Kunikida interrupted. "Although, we will have that discussion later. You see, the thing is—"

"The news wants to do an interview with the people who are responsible for saving the city from the Moby Dick," Ranpo finished, clearly tired of everyone beating around the bush. The other detectives vaguely glared at him for going right out and saying it, but the brunet merely shrugged and went back to eating his donut. Atsushi's eyes widened and he grinned.

"Wait, that's amazing!" he said, glancing between the detectives, unsure why they all seemed so apprehensive. "It will be good for the Agency if we get our name out there, won't it?"

Kunikida nodded slowly.

"So then what's the problem? Are you not sure who should do the interview? I mean, Kunikida, wouldn't you probably—"

"Atsushi." The Weretiger turned to Dazai who had a serious expression on his face for once.

"Yeah...?"

"The news wants to do a live interview with the people responsible for stopping the Moby Dick. The exact people responsible for doing it."

Atsushi's eyes widened in horror. "You mean..."

"Yep!" Dazai grinned. "You were requested by name. As was Akutagawa."

"Aww no!" Atsushi buried his face in his hands. Suddenly, everyone's behavior made a lot more sense. "Well, that's nice. Tell them we refuse."

No one responded.

"Guys?" Atsushi looked up, making eye contact with each detective individually (except for Ranpo, whose eyes were shut like always). All of their faces were dead-serious. "We're saying no, right?"

"Actually, we already agreed," Tanizaki admitted quietly.

"What?!"

"Look." Dazai placed another arm around Atsushi's shoulders, but this time, the young detective was too distraught to even fight it. "We know that you probably don't want to do this—"

"What gave you that impression?" Atsushi bit back bitterly.

"But as you said, it will be good PR for the Agency if you do this interview. More recognition means more cases, and more cases means more money. And more money..." Dazai leaned in close to Atsushi's ear. "Means more raises. And you know who will be the first to get one if you do this, right?"

Atsushi bit his lip. He was well aware that Dazai was manipulating him, but he was also aware that Dazai was right. And the fact that everyone was letting Dazai do this meant they all felt the same.

Still...

"But with Akutagawa?" Since he didn't trust Dazai to be reasonable, Atsushi turned to plead with his eyes to the rest of the agents. His gaze first landed on Kunikida. "There's no way he'd want to do this interview. He'll try to murder me! Again!"

"The Port Mafia already agreed to work with us," Dazai informed Atsushi, his grin widening. Still, there was something about it that didn't meet his eyes.

Atsushi groaned. "But whyyyyyy..."

"Because it would be beneficial to them as well. Don't worry—I'm sure Akutagawa isn't thrilled with the idea of being in an interview with you either, but it's not like he's going to refuse a direct order. He won't like it, but he'll do it without killing you—probably."

"Well that's reassuring," muttered Atsushi. "And why do I feel like I'm in the exact same boat?"

Kunikida sighed. "No one's going to force you to do anything. If you really don't want to do the interview, we'll call the news station back and decline. But it would add to our PR, and it could drastically improve our clientele."

Atsushi frowned.

"Aaaaaaand you'll be the first to get a nice bonus," Dazai whispered into his ear.

"I guess, but—"

"You'd do it for the Agency, wouldn't you?"

Ugh. His mentor had him there, and they both knew it.

"Fine," Atsushi grumbled, feeling a headache coming on when everyone started celebrating. They all just wanted the money that might come from this interview, assuming he didn't botch things up. Could he do it? No, probably not. And Akutagawa would most likely murder him on camera when he least expected it. Yeah there'd be witnesses, but he was already a wanted criminal; it wouldn't change much.

"Perfect! Kunikida and I will be helping you prepare for the interview," Dazai told him, patting his shoulders.

Atsushi grimaced, his headache getting stronger. "Great..."

"There's also going to be joint practices with Akutagawa before the interview, so get ready for those. Also—"

"Joint practices??" Atsushi turned to stare at him in horror. "You never said anything about those."

"I just did! You really didn't think we'd have you two go on camera without having formally practiced how to sound like you actually don't hate each other, right?"

Atsushi didn't reply. Instead, he chose to sit down in his chair so that he could bang his head against his desk.

"That's the spirit! You two are going to be spending lots of time together! Isn't that fun?"

"Kill me now..." Atsushi groaned.

Dazai laughed. "Don't worry, it'll be fineeee."

"Ok, but none of you can blame me if this interview goes badly," said the Weretiger as he slowly picked his face up from the desk. "When is it, again?"

"Next Tuesday," Kunikida replied, notebook in hand. "So we have exactly eight days to get you prepared to be a representative of this Agency on live tv. As such, we are going to spend every moment we have preparing you—remember, if you mess up, we won't only not get more business, but we could also lose business as well."

"That's not ressauring!"

"It isn't supposed to be." Kunikida adjusted his glasses. "You need to be aware just how much is riding on this interview alone. So as much as you and that Mafia dog don't get along, you're going to act cordially and respectful like a true Agency member, got it?"

"Uh huh." Atsushi scowled. "Assuming he doesn't start anything."

"Good! Well, time waits for no one. Let's start." Dazai dragged over a chair while Atsushi lowered his head in his hands.

"This is going to be a complete disaster, isn't it." Still, there was nothing to do but to face the train wreck head on.

***

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Chuuya asked Mori again as the boss stared out the windows in his office.

"Of course. Akutagawa is a distinguished member of the Mafia, and I have no doubts that this interview will raise the Mafia's image in the eyes of the government."

"Maybe but..." Chuuya frowned. "Akutagawa is a great agent, but when it comes to social things, well..."

"You don't think he will be able to handle himself well in the interview, is that it?" Mori's eyes seemed to stare right through Chuuya's soul.

"I mean, no offense to him, boss, but he isn't exactly the most...personable member of the Mafia. Coupled with the fact that he's doing it with the Weretiger, a boy he hated so much as to defy orders to sneak onto the Moby Dick simply for the sake of murdering him, I don't know quite how well the whole thing will go if they're forced to be on live tv. Y'know?"

"I do." Mori smiled. "And that is why you're going to be prepping him for this interview."

"Hah????" Chuuya started. "But why—"

"Because he trusts you as an executive, and frankly, I don't think there's anyone else in the Mafia more suited to guiding Akutagawa in this manner." Mori's tone was light, but one thing was evident—this wasn't a request, it was an order.

Chuuya scowled. "And does Akutagawa know about this interview yet?"

Mori's grin broaded slightly. "I figured you could let him know. Until the interview, this takes precedence over any other mission or assignment. Just tell him it's an order from me. I'm sure he won't be happy about it, but he obviously can't refuse. I trust you'll be able to make him camera ready by next Tuesday?"

Chuuya grumbled something under his breath that likely wasn't polite to say in the boss' company. "We're going to have to start today then. It's going to take a few hours just to warm him up to the idea."

"Well, it's a good thing neither of you have any missions right now, so you can get plenty of practice. Courtesy of your boss, of course." Mori laughed. "Oh, and one more thing," he added when Chuuya had begun stalking towards the door. "You two will also have join practices with the Agency."

"What?!" Chuuya wheeled on Mori. "Joint practices?"

"Well, of course. Akutagawa and the Weretiger need to be able to sit in the same room on live television without one trying to kill the other, right? It would also help to get the story straight so that neither of them say anything that might be a little...incriminating."

"Fine, we'll do it." Chuuya's voice displayed utter defeat. "But just promise me one thing. Please promise me that the Mackerel won't be there. Please."

Mori glanced away. "I don't know who the Agency will ask to assist the Weretiger in preparing but..."

Chuuya sighed and rubbed his temples. "I already feel a headache coming on. Well, I'm off to go inform Akutagawa that he's gotta learn how to smile by next week." He turned his heel and stomped away, dreading the next eight days of his life. He wasn't in the mood for a long conversation, so Akutagawa was going to be ok with this, whether he wanted to or not. Once he entered the elevator, he sent the broody agent a quick text to meet him in one of the southern towers. After receiving a quick response, Chuuya had to laugh.

"Oh, this is going to be a train wreck," he mused, watching the skyline slowly sink. "A beautiful, terrible, train wreck."

Yeah so that's the concept - it's a little rushed, but if anyone actually wants a part two, perhaps I'll write it.

[zvtara-was-never-canon]

I read a post where Zuko is supposedly describing his girlfriend. This corresponds to the episode where he reproaches Mai for certain things she doesn’t have. Here are the points:

Zuko reproaches Mai for not having a passion for anything. This trait is attributed to Katara, who, on the contrary, is very passionate and invested in everything she undertakes.

He also reproaches her for not believing in anything. Again, this contrasts with Katara, who firmly believes in her ideals and her ability to make a difference.

Zuko would like Mai to sometimes be more tense, a bit "crazy," and let her emotions out instead of keeping them all inside. This criticism can be compared to Katara, who, in contrast, expresses herself freely, even if it doesn’t always please Zuko.

At another point, Zuko tells Mai that he likes it when she expresses her emotions. This reminds me of a scene from the episode The Southern Raiders, where Katara reproaches Zuko for his attitude during their conversation in Ba Sing Se, insisting on the importance of communicating emotions.

Finally, Zuko mentions that he’s looking for someone more open, a quality that, once again, is associated with Katara, known for her empathy and open-mindedness.

However, I think the person who wrote this post didn’t quite understand why Zuko likes Mai, and it left me confused. The words given are a bit vague. I understand the parallel, but I don’t quite see how it shows that Zuko would want a girlfriend who embodies those traits. The statements are given somewhat vaguely, without really explaining the context or the dynamic between Katara and Zuko, which makes the interpretation unclear.

And what do you think about it?

The biggest problem with using that scene as a "gotcha" against Maiko is the simple fact it is completely out of context.

Zuko lashed out because he had been trying to be nice to her earlier, with the seashell and ice-cream, Mai made it clear she wasn't impressed, and then a guy that was super into her showed up, making Zuko feel threatened because he grew up with a dad that taught him to believe that he was replaceable and had to fight to prevent it from happening.

So, he keeps confronting Mai on if she likes that guy, even after she repeatedly says she's completely indifferent to him, because he's insecure and afraid of losing her. Mai doesn't like that Zuko is being irrational and paranoid, calls him out on it, and Zuko gets defensive - and when Zuko gets defensive, he says stuff he doesn't mean.

Iroh is trying to make him see there's no way Ozai changed his mind about banishing him? Zuko says Iroh is lazy, shallow and jealous of Ozai. Iroh calls Zuko out for literally robbing people in the Earth Kingdom? Zuko says they have nothing to gain by traveling together and walks out. Iroh refuses to continue giving him advice after Zuko literally caused him to be sent to prison? Zuko calls him crazy and tells him to rot.

There is a clear pattern here, yet it is never used by anyone to argue that this is how Zuko genuinely feels about his uncle/father figure, because there's tons of scenes of them together that prove how much love he has for the man. The same applies to Mai.

He still thinks back on the prank Azula pulled on the two of them because of Mai's crush on him YEARS after they've lost contact. He is super physically affectionate with her (something he had trouble being comfortable with even with Iroh) to the point that they're CONSTANTLY making out in front of other people. He consistently turns to her for emotional support (which she got better at providing). They have dates all the time because they like each other's company. He mentions her as being THE thing he had to sacrifice when changing sides. And again, the whole reason he's jealous on The Beach is because he WANTS Mai as his girlfriend.

Dude literally says the words "You're so beautiful when you hate the world" and smiles like a simp when Sokka refers to her as "That gloomy girl who sighs a lot."

I am not going to take ONE scene in which he's being mean as proof that he secretly hates her when, just like with Iroh, we see enough interactions between them during Zuko's good days to know that he did not mean a word of it - hence him IMMEDIATELY simping for Mai as she tells him to fuck off, then reconciling with her when she says a simple, but completely honest "I care about you" after he opens up about his crisis over his own dubious choices, as she can now see that he wasn't just being a dick for the sake of being a dick, he's just a confused kid trying to cope.

As for Katara, while I'm sure Zuko grew to admire her compassion and drive to help others, that is not enough to argue "she's his true soulmate/his type." EVERYONE in the Gaang is empathetic and passionate, and they all like to have fun. Same for his uncle.

"You're a nice, pleasant person" is not enough to make someone fall in love. Zuko clearly was much closer to Mai (as well as Toph and especially Aang) than he ever was with Katara, obviously liked her more chill personality (which became less and less apathetic as their relationship evolved, and thus they clashed less), was physically attracted to her, missed her when she wasn't around, and actually demonstrated jealously when someone else showed interest in her.

THAT is basis for a relationship, unlike "Ah, you also believe war is terrible? Nice. Good thing I stopped hating you for your race, right? Now we can be friends instead of killing each other!" - which, despite what Zutarians love arguing against, is ALL there is to Zuko and Katara's canon dynamic. They're on the same side, on the same friend group, and they don't hate each other (anymore). Hardly even best friends, let alone "meant to be."

Plus if Zuko was to ever hook up with anyone of the heroes, it'd be Aang and that is just a fact.

[lucky-clover-gazette]

ooh okay i want to pitch a couple ideas, scraping from the text!! these aren’t mutually exclusive but

- cogita dislikes and mistrusts volo, implying with vague disapproval that he spends his time doing Other Things instead of his job. she also knows a lot about ancient history and magic, and her cottage has a witchy aesthetic. maybe volo came to her at some point and inquired about god-summoning or appeasing rituals, trying to connect through their shared celestican heritage. said ritual could be something you’re referring to, like blood sacrifice, that cogita could know volo has at least attempted, maybe even attempted herself at some point. given that the celestica people are associated with immortality, and cogita herself is implied to be immortal and very melancholy about her state of existence, it would make sense for her to act the way she does around volo whether or not she knows about giratina. she might just think he’s trying to become immortal too (which to be fair, he is, just not like her). but the ritual actions she associates with celestican immortality might also have proven useful in volo’s “courtship” of giratina, whether through crafting or sacrifice or prayer

- the plates. this is a simple one but that line might have just meant that volo brought the (at first) compliant player physically to the temple, with the plates that he had instructed them to gather, basically doordashing them to giratina for their evil plan

- volo is coping, like in the internet slang sense of the word. he’s super mad that he’s failed and been humbled by two gods and a random fifteen year old, and so he insists that he somehow had power over or provided power to giratina to save face

- volo manipulated a god. it’s clear through volo’s manipulation of the player character that he emphasizes the injustice of situations that have harmed his allies in order to earn their loyalty and favor. the way he delivers his speech about giratina’s ousting by arceus is very similar to the way he speaks of the galaxy team kicking out the player, and obviously also about himself and arceus (can’t be a volo analysis if projection isn’t mentioned at least once). the schroedinger’s characterization of volo is whether we can consider this strategic empathy as legitimate attempts to make connection and show care, even if it’s subconscious and he himself would say it’s all for the plan, or if he is only feigning his passionate disdain for injustice. if he’s capable of so deeply feeling and caring about these injustices, can he truly be considered heartless? given his reasons for doing what he does once he’s taken off the mask, i tend to believe that there’s more to his manipulation than just, like, heartless villainy. he doesn’t say “i’ve pretended to be your friend so i can hurt you and destroy the world,” he says “i’ve pretended to be your friend so i can subjugate your godly patron, who has caused us and the entire world pain, and make a better world.” obviously he’s insane and wants to meet those ends through means of erasing reality and also hurting our feelings, but those ARE his ends. maybe giratina sees that complexity and insanity, and it further endears volo to it—or simply makes volo seem easier to manipulate in turn. or maybe giratina just likes what volo is selling. this also explains why volo is not visibly heartbroken when they separate, because he actively tries not to admit that he has any friends or connections. again there are definitely parallels to be made between giratina and the player, the way volo just walks away after the fight when the player looks so sad to see him go, and only gives any sort of goodbye through laventon. maybe giratina would have liked to find closure with volo—and i mean, maybe it did, and we just didn’t see that interaction—and it could have even been the impetus for volo leaving. i think that is implied to happen, right, since a section of volo’s parting sentiment regarded giratina’s new motivations in siding with the player?

basically, what i mean is that “the power” that volo feeds giratina could be a lie or manipulation that volo has intentionally or unintentionally convinced giratina he’s providing. the power of friendship, leveraged. could come with a physical manifestation—an object or ritual—or simply be something that is promised or felt. as mentioned before, i think the most endearing question re: volo’s overall character is whether we can consider that leveraged friendship to be friendship all the same. pla is in a lot of ways a game about belonging, and both volo and giratina (and the player!) try to handle their lack of belonging in vastly different ways. volo by isolating himself and trying to wipe the slate clean, ignoring the friendships and bonds he’s made along the way; the banished god giratina, by decisively siding with not one but two (!!!) humans throughout the course of the game; and the player, by trying to become a member of the foreign community that they’ve been dropped into, even as that community mistreats them. with volo and giratina, it’s like we have two characters who are telling each other and themselves that they are giving each other what they Want, all while the companionship they share is the thing they actually Need. and they both lose it, because volo can’t handle failure and dips. dude, his character is so sad. what did they put in this game. i’m going insane

- as someone else said, volo was giratina’s rare candy supplier

we need to talk more about how insane it is that volo and giratina partnered up tbh. like we’ve seen pokémon villains making use of legendaries for their schemes before but it is usually not like. a friendly or even consensual relationship. but like those two were homies. bona fide partners in crime for a while

"It was in an attempt to answer this question that I originally sought out Giratina and had it tear open that rift in space and time... After all, Giratina wished to stand against Arceus. But that didn't do the trick..."

he says this so casually. bestie how did you even find it. did you have to do a dark summoning ritual or do you have the deity of antimatter who was banished to a parallel dimension on speed dial

"Turning tail and running? From this puny HUMAN? Pathetic! I was the one to feed you the power you needed so that you could take on Arceus! I was the one who gave you the chance to claw open that space-time rift, driving the deity of space and time mad so that you could drag the creator out from hiding!"

i NEED to know who or what volo is, that he could give the legendary pokémon giratina more power than it already had itself, to convince it to do something it’s evidently wanted to do for a while. what could he possibly have to offer. maybe giratina was always capable of doing all that but volo just convinced it to finally act on its desire? like hey you don’t have to go alone i’ll be your buddy? there is no way all giratina was after was friendship or whatever bc specifically what does it mean that volo ‘fed it power’. just who are the celestica. RRRRAAAHHHH

[skrunksthatwunk]

actually i'm still thinking about the moral orel finale.

he has a cross on his wall. do you know how much i think about that bc it's a lot.

a lot of stories ((auto)biographical or fictional) centering escape from abusive/fundamentalist christianity result in the lead characters leaving behind christianity entirely. and that makes complete sense! people often grow disillusioned with the associated systems and beliefs, and when it was something used to hurt them or something so inseparable from their abuse that they can't engage with it without hurting, it makes total sense that they would disengage entirely. and sometimes they just figure out that they don't really believe in god/a christian god/etc. a healthy deconstruction process can sometimes look like becoming an atheist or converting to another religion. it's all case by case. (note: i'm sure this happens with other religions as well, i'm just most familiar with christian versions of this phenomenon).

but in orel's case, his faith was one of the few things that actually brought him comfort and joy. he loved god, y'know? genuinely. and he felt loved by god and supported by him when he had no one else. and the abuses he faced were in how the people in his life twisted religion to control others, to run away from themselves, to shield them from others, etc. and often, orel's conflicts with how they acted out christianity come as a direct result of his purer understanding of god/jesus/whatever ("aren't we supposed to be like this/do that?" met with an adult's excuse for their own behavior or the fastest way they could think of to get orel to leave them alone (i.e. orel saying i thought we weren't supposed to lie? and clay saying uhhh it doesn't count if you're lying to yourself)). the little guy played catch with god instead of his dad, like.. his faith was real, and his love was real. and i think it's a good choice to have orel maintain something that was so important to him and such a grounding, comforting force in the midst of. All That Stuff Moralton Was Up To/Put Him Through. being all about jesus was not the problem, in orel's case.

and i know i'm mostly assuming that orel ended up in a healthier, less rigid version of christianity, but i feel like that's something that was hinted at a lot through the series, that that's the direction he'd go. when he meditates during the prayer bee and accepts stephanie's different way to communicate, incorporating elements of buddhism into his faith; when he has his I AM A CHURCH breakdown (removing himself from the institution and realizing he can be like,, the center of his own faith? taking a more individualistic approach? but Truly Going Through It at the same time), his acceptance (...sometimes) of those who are different from him and condemned by the adults of moralton (stephanie (lesbian icon stephanie my beloved), christina (who's like. just a slightly different form of fundie protestant from him), dr chosenberg (the jewish doctor from otherton in holy visage)). his track record on this isn't perfect, but it gets better as orel starts maturing and picking up on what an absolute shitfest moralton is. it's all ways of questioning the things he's been taught, and it makes sense that it would lead to a bigger questioning as he puts those pieces together more. anyway i think part of his growth is weeding out all the lost commandments of his upbringing and focusing on what faith means to him, and what he thinks it should mean. how he wants to see the world and how he wants to treat people and what he thinks is okay and right, and looking to religion for guidance in that, not as like. a way to justify hurting those he's afraid or resentful of, as his role models did.

he's coming to his own conclusions rather than obediently, unquestioningly taking in what others say. but he's still listening to pick out the parts that make sense to him. (edit/note: and it's his compassion and his faith that are the primary motivations for this questioning and revisal process, both of individual cases and, eventually, the final boss that is christianity.) it makes perfect sense as the conclusion to his character arc and it fits the overall approach of the show far better. it's good is what i'm saying.

and i think it's important to show that kind of ending, because that's a pretty common and equally valid result of deconstruction. and i think it cements the show's treatment of christianity as something that's often (and maybe even easily) exploited, but not something inherently bad. something that can be very positive, even. guys he even has a dog he's not afraid of loving anymore. he's not afraid of loving anyone more than jesus and i don't think it's because he loves this dog less than bartholomew (though he was probably far more desperate for healthy affection and companionship when he was younger). i think it's because he figures god would want him to love that dog. he's choosing to believe that god would want him to love and to be happy and to be kind. he's not afraid of loving in the wrong way do you know how cool that is he's taking back control he's taking back something he loves from his abusers im so normal

[dykedvonte]

Mini rant below and in the tags, the only time I’ll talk about this and my personal take on it.

The way people talk about hypothetical male Anya on Twitter and the idea of how Mouthwashing would play out if the genders were swapped makes me remember how people still don’t take sexual assault and rape with male victims with the same gravity, especially when the perpetrator is female.

[quietwingsinthesky]

the doctor is emotionally manipulative. he’s very good at it, and even better at justifying it both to himself and the people he’s doing it to. he can see when his approval, his affection, is valuable enough to someone that withholding it will be an effective way of getting them to do what he wants. this is one of his best flaws, that he’ll do this to people and do it to them for his own definition of what’s good for them.

(gestures vaguely) twissy.

[the-acid-pear]

Dave and Steven's relationship is so fucking mental literally THE toxicest of yaois 💥

[storywestistrash]

i am actually so tired of the way westerners treat eastern europeans

[salemoleander]

Creator Commentary / Explaining Elements

I don't normally do this, but there's SO MUCH going on in this one that I actually wanted to do a commentary on it and why I picked what I did! I put a LOT of thought into elements and how they contribute to the overall effect of a piece, so I thought it might be fun to lay some of that out.

That all got (predictably) incredibly long, so it is under its own cut! I've labeled each bullet by what I intuitively called that element, rather than the actual title/author/etc, to make it easier to follow which bit I'm talking about. (For example, rather than "Président de la nuit", I've labeled it "Chair painting".)

Also, you seem unstable… speech bubble

Chosen because it evokes superhero comics (which is the AU we’re in) and gives a humorous/light-ish start to the piece.

Could genuinely be said from either of them.

Overlaid on the wound-tending image to form a kind of tableau

Bandaging hand art

The hands being Grian/Scar’s isn’t sensical per the fic (they only had the 2 hands during the backstory) but the theme of helping/dependence due to injury really benefits from it.

This art also works bc it ties in the seafoam green & skin tone/reddish hues that appear in the chair & other hands. (The right side of the piece is blue/black, bc it’s about Scar’s “betrayal” of evicting Grian from his body)

in his eyelids poem excerpt

Contains the idea of existing inside another person, as well as the fear - one last nakedness, one last level of being exposed to the possible judgment or harm from someone else. 

The words ‘sleep until dawn’ create an image of soft/warm affection, and the mention of nakedness also leads well into the nude man with blank eyes below it, what happens when Grian is kicked out of that body.

Broken glass

Needed a low-contrast bg image that would blend well into the art below, and to enhance the idea of superheros/danger/risk/fighting without just chucking another wounded hand into the mix. 

When you/ bend and kiss the rotting wings poem excerpt

The rest of the poem is much longer, and even this stanza is longer, but it had several bits I found either redundant or less-applicable for this use. 

The final line in full is “Even now I still need something better to say/ than this hush love creates between two people” but ending it at “better to say” hits harder. The hush love creates is being created by the other pieces & its placement over a cozy house scene, no need to belabor the point.

He tugs gently on my towel… poem excerpt

I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO USE THIS FOR FOREVER Fjords is a phenomenal collection but the poems create such a specific feeling that they’re very hard to use well. 

The full poem POV is referred to with she/her, which isn’t a dealbreaker but I found I could cut around those lines & still get the core image I wanted to steal for this.

Again emphasizing this gentle/warm/caring nature that still results in unclothing (a last nakedness!) the POV character, in reminding them they are not human, and an assumption that that is a flaw.

Blood decanter

This was one of the last additions - I like to break up horizontal/vertical edges when I can, and that middle edge was VERY unbroken. 

There are a bunch of other vein-style carafes by the artist, but this one had an alien/baby-animal-taking-its-first-steps spindliness that I liked.

The recurrent blood motif is partly my own personal bias towards it but also bc it turns out it is VERY HARD to visually convey ‘guy who is living inside another guy’, especially if you, the artist, have a phobia of parasites. So, blood/veins/connections through tendrils it is. Vaguely mold-like but not bc I am a big baby.

Red wings

Again, wanted to break up that vertical line, and also this Grian does have wings, and also also I figured I could maybe do a sort of tableau thing w/ the guy sitting. Not trying to do true collage there, but the implication of his having wings is good enough for me!

Would you murder me texts

Needed something small/with simple or no text to go over the cozy chair. At one point Grian mentions basically ghosting Scar for almost a year?? And it seemed like an appropriately funny-but-not-really thing to include.

Chair painting

I needed the coziest, most Scar-tastic living room (with a balcony/night view bc superhero au obvs) and Ms. Carole Rabe fucking delivered. All of her paintings are so richly done!! Go look at them!

Scar colors, and also blends between the seafoam/pale green & orange -> sunset tones that play so well with the red and dark blue.

Also. There’s only one chair, and it’s empty. 

Give until I’m… poll

I originally used all 4 of the results from this, bc imo they fit REALLY well to Scar Grian Xisuma and then one aimed at recovery. In the fic it’s clear they’re all kind of.. different flavors of too-altruistic, different flavors of lighting themselves on fire to keep someone else warm.

However that ended up dominating the feeling of it/ adding too much gray, so I dialed it back to ones that convey the fears/themes of the work. 

Scar refuses to become hollow, refuses to be a home for someone else; Grian trusts and trusts and that breaks him, gives up his own body until it is a shell for Scar to carry out; Xisuma has seen everyone he loves die and keeps going, doggedly continuing a heroic fight that nearly ended with him dead on a warehouse floor.

Sitting on floor guy painting

GO LOOK AT DENIS SARAZHIN’S ART. NOW.

Okay - the blue with touches of red at the toes was the right color for what I needed. He’s in the dark, almost veiled by the quotes around him.

Mostly I picked this for his expression. Go look at a full-res version of this - his eyes are intelligent but veiled, mouth slightly hardened and fist clenched. 

I also think the title has some very good synergy with the themes.

love me enough to drown me out

I don’t do easter eggs, but this is about as subtle as I’ll let things get. Depending on screen brightness a lot of people won’t even see this element to the right of the sitting man, which is intentional.

With this I was both thinking of Grian’s need for Scar (love me enough to ignore your misgivings, to let me be part of you, to escape the pain of being alone in my own head, drown me out) and Scar’s implied request in return (love me enough to drown out the distrust, to let me see you, to eclipse your fear of not being enough).

It’s hard to see bc this is the point in the story where they are the least communicative - Grian made into an insensate thing, Scar never even telling him what he was planning. 

Think of visible red/blood in this collage as representing ‘wear your heart on your sleeve’; the text is obliterated because the idea it contains is obscured.

I return to the site of injury

Trying to let some pieces be more/less easily legible, letting smaller/more private thoughts exist with less contrast.

They are each others’ sites of injury; Scar literally could not have lived without him, and Grian cannot forgive the wound of separation.

to have & to hold

This might as well be the thesis statement. To have - to possess, to contain, to consume, to be - is incompatible with to hold - to comfort, to exist beside. Wanting doesn’t make them synonyms.

happiness is…

Gonna be real, I just saw that title on an old blood donation ad and was like ‘LOL yeah that works’.

Like yeah happiness is helping other people despite the risk to yourself, reaching out will always be nobler than stagnation, etc etc.

Birds and smoke

I love the bright red of the birds against the smoke, and the sky/smoke mimics the blue of the top right side excellently.

Needed something to subtly set the scene (there’s a fire in the warehouse, it’s nighttime, etc) without being too muddy bc there’s so much stuff in the foreground.

Veins and Bones Arm Embroidery

MAYBE MY FAVORITE ELEMENT

The artist (if I’m understanding correctly): Photographed her own arm. Printed it on fabric. Drew on her bones. And then embroidered her veins!!! Sick as hell!!

I wanted something that used veins, that showed the entry/takeover of Grian into X’s body while also avoiding gore. I had a cool old blood-drawing illustration that I decided to abstain from bc I thought it might be a bit much (and also it wasn’t colorful and I didn’t wanna have to do Yet Another Filter)

The tracing of bone underneath - the implication of something permanent and solid that veins are woven around/ latticed on - felt like a good choice to convey what Grian does in the fic.

with all the holes in you already…

Abjection, baby!

No seriously, go read some Kristeva and then come back. 

Jenny Holzer the text artist of all time tbh. 

Needed something to convey injury/damage/mutualistic parasitism/’you’re afraid but you don’t have to be’ and unfortunately just pasting in a scene from the Xenogenesis trilogy would take too much room.

Also the pale mirrored silver/red fit great with the arm embroidery and bloody hands.

Car headlights

Wanted to convey city/bright/hard to see, and the moment they stepped out the door with Grian piloting X, the need to stand up to news & paparazzi, just a bunch of things related to ‘bright light in my eyes ouch’

I did not hunt down the moment

I am SO SAD scatterghosts deactivated. Wonderful TMG edits.

So this already had the perfect colors and was itself a city scene, it felt very logical to overlay it on the car headlights.

I was mostly thinking about how after a year of avoiding him, this reunion comes upon Grian without warning. 

Also thinking about dreams/waking, potentially suppressing X’s consciousness, and a blurry-eyed attempt to determine What Is Happening.

Bloody hands

\o/ HANDS WITH BLOOD (Do you have any idea how hard it is to get good art with blood/gore that isn’t 1. Guro (very.) 2. Irl photos of dubious provenance 3. Medical photos again of dubious provenance??)

There’s a whole set of hands with blood in that series, actually! I chose these bc I wanted 2 hands (Grian and X), and I wanted X’s to be lax, with Grian’s active.

I thought the way the thumb is digging into the lower arm seemed evocative of the connection/penetration of letting your cells start to breathe for somebody else.

The blood is blood but the way it coats one hand while marring the other also brings up contamination/spreading, like we can see Grian’s cells flowing down?

Do you have a question…? poem excerpt

Again, slightly harder to read than I might normally do!

A question that can’t be answered is about keeping secrets, as well as Grian’s refusal to ask Scar why, to confront him, to have that conversation.

Mercy being difficult to understand is the other side of that coin - if Scar wasn’t being cruel, why did becoming hurt? Why is he willing to risk his life for X, despite knowing the incredible danger? He wants to be a pigeon again.

A piece of burned meat poem excerpt

This is Xisuma’s POV to me, post-fic. Not much of it, but I wanted to explore both the idea of ‘my body is HURT and I am not in control’ and also ‘I am so tired. I have been so tired. At least this isn’t up to me anymore.’

catching signals that sound in the dark webweave

Created as a gift for @droidofmay for her incredible fic!

// Sources under readmore //

What is a webweave? Previous art: Third Life | Void Falling | Attempt 33 | Limited Life | Nightingale | solving counting sheep | Hunger au

Also, you seem unstable… speech bubble / via imperiuswrecked ◆ Naka-Choko [the inherent homoeroticism of wound tending] / @dontbelasagnax ◆ Excerpts from Your Lover (The Galloping Hour: French Poems) / Alejandra Pizarnik via @feral-ballad ◆ Constellation No. 26 / Zhao Zhao via @psikonauti ◆ Excerpt from Hush / C. Dale Young via @grocerystoredean ◆ Excerpt from Refrigerator General (Fjords I) / Zachary Schomburg ◆ Carafe Nº6 / Etienne Meneau ◆ Red wings / Natalia Karna ◆ Would you murder me… texts / sparklebussy (deactivated) ◆ Président de la nuit / Carole Rabe via @huariqueje ◆ Give until I’m… poll / @orewing ◆ Out of touch / Denis Sarazhin ◆ fill me up, fill me full up / @taohun ◆ Excerpt from Heed the Hollow / Malcolm Tariq via @geryone ◆ Excerpt from No I Don’t Want to Connect with You on LinkedIn / Emily Skaja via @serratedpens ◆ Happiness is- / National Institutes of Health ◆ Fire reflected on birds in smoke / Coen Robben via @theanimalblog ◆ Constructual 5 / Juana Gomez ◆ With all the holes… (Survival series) / Jenny Holzer via @valtsv ◆ New York Winter 2014 2015 / Lina Scheynius ◆ I did not hunt down the moment edit [[Need More Bandages / TMG | Night Lights, Berlin / Lesser Ury]] / a-doctor-not-a-fangirl (deactivated) ◆ Lie (Peripety series) / Jen Mazza ◆ Excerpts from From The Book of Time (Devotions) / Mary Oliver via @liriostigre ◆ Excerpts from Having It Out with Melancholy / Jane Kenyon via @cithaerons

[mothbeasts]

i miss posting and making and engaging with ieytd content but I will be honest sometimes it feels alienating. as a lesbian.