#as a victim my self and who has been in other situations and being afab I just can’t understand the vitriol toward this sort of discussion

[dykedvonte]

Mini rant below and in the tags, the only time I’ll talk about this and my personal take on it.

The way people talk about hypothetical male Anya on Twitter and the idea of how Mouthwashing would play out if the genders were swapped makes me remember how people still don’t take sexual assault and rape with male victims with the same gravity, especially when the perpetrator is female.

[wickwrites]

Wonder Egg Priority Episode 4: Boys’ and Girls’ Suicides Do Mean Different Things (But Not in the Way the Mannequins Want You to Think!)

So, let’s talk about this for a second. After I got over my initial knee-jerk reaction, I realized I wasn’t sure how to make sense of exactly what the mannequins were arguing for here. So let me rephrase their statements to make the argumentative structure more explicit: Because men are goal-oriented and women are not, because women are emotion-oriented and men are not, and because women are impulsive and easily influenced by others’ voices and men are not, boys’ and girls’ suicides mean different things – girls are more easily “tempted” by death, and therefore, more likely to require saving when they inevitably regret their suicide. While Wonder Egg Priority, so far, seems to agree with the vague version of the mannequins’ conclusion, namely that boys’ and girl’s suicides mean different things, it refutes the gender-essentialist logic through which that conclusion was derived.

The mannequins choose a decidedly gender essentialist approach in explaining the difference between girls’ and boy’s suicides; they argue that the suicides are different because of some immutable characteristic of their mental hard wiring (in this case, impulsivity, emotionality, and influenceability). Obviously, this is a load of bull, and Wonder Egg Priority knows it. The mannequins are not exactly characters we’re supposed to trust, seeing that they’re running a business that is literally based on letting these kids put themselves in mortal danger. As faceless adult men, they parrot and possibly represent the systems that force these girls to continue to be subjected to physical and emotional trauma (it’s probably more complicated than this, but four episodes in, it’s hard to say more). So, we’re probably supposed to take what they say with great skepticism. Also, the director, Shin Wakabayashi, has recently said that in response to these lines, Neiru was originally going to object, “When it comes to their brains, boys and girls are also the same,” (which unfortunately is not exactly true and is somewhat of an oversimplification, but the sentiment is there). While that line ultimately did not make it in, Neiru does reply with a confused and somewhat indignant, “What?!”, a reaction that gets the message across.  Neiru is not a fan of gender essentialism, and as a (more) sympathetic character, we’re supposed to agree with her.

That is, the differences between boys and girls is not something inherent to their biology or character, but something constructed by culture and experience. This rejection of gender-essentialism is apparent in Wonder Egg Priority’s narrative, which takes a more sociocultural perspective on the difference between boys’ and girls’ suicides. It says, well of course boys’ and and girl’s suicides don’t mean the same thing, that’s the whole reason why we’re delving into the experiences specific to being a girl (cis or trans) or AFAB in this world – to show you how girls’ suicides are influenced by systems of oppression perpetuated by those in power (ie. the adult, in this specific anime).

And all the suicides we’ve seen up until now tie into that somehow. For instance, Koito is bullied by her female classmates who think that Sawaki is giving her special treatment. This is a narrative that comes up over and over again, in real life as well: that if a young girl is being given attention from an older man, then it’s her fault – that she must want it, or at least enjoy it somehow, and that it signifies a virtue (eg. maturity or beauty) on her part. And if Koito is actually being given such treatment by Sawaki, an adult man in a position of power over her, that is incredibly predatory. 

And we all know that child sexual abuse is something that overwhelmingly affects girls, with one out of nine experiencing it before the age of 18, as opposed to one out of 53 boys (Finkelhor et al., 2014). Regardless of whether Sawaki was actually abusing Koito or if the students only thought that he was, Koito’s trauma is ultimately the result of this romanticized “love between a young girl and adult man, but not because the man is predatory, but because the girl has some enviable virtue that makes her desirable” narrative. Similarly, in episode 2, Minami’s suicide is driven by ideas related to discipline and body image in sports, which while not necessarily specific to female and AFAB athletes, is framed in an AFAB-specific way. For instance, take the pressure on Minami to “maintain her figure”. Certainly, male athletes also face a similar pressure, but we know that AFAB and (cis and trans) female bodies are subject to closer scrutiny and criticism. We know that young girls are more likely to suffer from eating disorders. And Wonder Egg Priority situates Minami’s experience as decidedly “about” AFAB experience when her coach accuses her change of figure due to her period as a character failing on her part.

 Likewise, episode 3 delves into suicides related to “stan” culture, this fervent dedication to celebrities that is overwhelmingly associated to teenage girls. And Miwa’s story, in episode 4, explicitly shows how society responds to sexual assault. When Miwa does have the courage to speak up about her assault, she’s instantly reprimanded by basically everyone around her. Her father is fired because her abuser was an executive of his company. Her mother asks her why she couldn’t just bear with it, telling her that her abuser chose her because she was cute, as if that’s supposed to make her feel better about it. Wonder Egg Priority shows that this sort of abuse is a systemic problem, a set of rules and norms deeply engrained in a society and upheld by all adults, regardless of gender, social status, or closeness (to the victim). Wonder Egg Priority says that, yes, girls’ and boys’ suicides have different meanings, but it’s not due to some inherent difference between the two, but the hostile environment in which these girls grow up. Girls are not more easily “tempted” by death, they just have more societal bullshit to deal with.

But Wonder Egg Priority goes further than just showcasing how girls’ (and AFAB) experiences are shaped by sociocultural factors. The story also disproves the supposedly dichotomous characteristics that the mannequins use to differentiate girls and boys (i.e. influenceability/independence, impulsivity/deliberation, emotion-orientation/goal-orientation). If the mannequins are indeed correct, and that girls are just influenceable, impulsive, and emotional, you’d expect the girls in the story to be to be like such too. Except, they aren’t. Rather, they’re a mix of both/all characteristics. This show says that, certainly, girls can be suggestible, but they’re also capable of thinking for themselves. For instance, when Momoe asserts her own identity as a girl at the end of episode four, she rejects the words of those around her who insisted that she isn’t a girl. If she were as suggestible as the mannequins believe her to be, that would never have happened – she would have just continued believing that she wasn’t girl “enough”. But, she doesn’t because she is equally capable of making her own judgements. Likewise, Wonder Egg Priority shows that girls can be impulsive, but they can also be deliberate and pre-mediating. When Miwa tricks her Wonder Killer into groping her to create an opening for Momoe to defeat it, she’s not doing it out of impulse – it’s a pre-mediated and deliberate choice unto a goal. And Wonder Egg Priority continues, girls can be equally emotion oriented and goal oriented. Sure, the main girls are fighting because they have the goal of bringing their loved ones back to life, but those goals are motivated by a large range of emotions, from guilt to anger, grief, compassion, and love. 

Being emotion-driven doesn’t mean you’re not goal-driven, and vice versa. In fact, in this case, being emotional drives these girls toward their goals. In other words, none of these traits that the mannequins listed are either “girl traits” or “boy traits”. Being one does not mean you can’t be the other, even if they seem dichotomous at first. Wonder Egg Priority’s diverse cast of multi-dimensional female characters allows it to undermine the mannequins’ conceptualization of gendered roles, refuting the idea that these (or any) character traits should be consider gendered at all.

As an underdeveloped side thought, I think Wonder Egg Priority’s blurring of gendered roles is also well-reflected in its style. There’s been a lot of talk about whether Wonder Egg Priority constitutes a magical girl series, and I think that’s an interesting question deserving of its own essay. Certainly, it does follow the basic formula of the magical girl story: a teenage heroine ensemble wielding magical weapons saves the day. But it also throws out a lot of the conventions you’d expect of a magical girl story – both aesthetically and narratively. Aesthetically, it’s probably missing the component that most would consider the thing that makes an anime a magical girl anime: the full body transformation sequence, complete with the sparkles and the costume and all that. Narratively, the girls are also not really magical girl protagonist material – they’ve got a fair share of flaws, have done some pretty awful things (looking at Kawai in particular; I still love you though), and aren’t exactly the endlessly self-sacrificing heroines you’d expect from a typical magical girl story. On the other hand, the anime also borrows a lot from shonen battle anime. We get these dynamic, well choreographed action sequences full of horror and gore, the focus on the importance of camaraderie between allies (or “nakama”, as shonen anime would call it) exemplified through all the bonding between the main girls during their downtime, and in the necessary co-operation to bring down the Wonder Killers. That said, this anime is not a shonen; the characters, types of conflicts, and themes are quite different from those that you’d find in a typical shonen. The bleeding together of the shonen genre and the magical girl genre, at the very least (and I say this because I think it does way more than just that), reflects Wonder Egg Priority’s interest in rebelling against conventional narratives about girlhood and gender.

[aquirius555-musings]

Pursuing Your Purpose Over Grabbing the Bag

The Necessity of Motivation in Pursuit of Wealth 

Being a witch with ADHD can be contradictory at times. And now is one of them. I am confident that wealth follows and it does not lead. I am comfortable not leading my life in pursuit of wealth. However, I am still a human existing on this planet, a planet where wealth not only leads, but having some form of income is a necessity for survival. For most, a steady income is a necessity for creating a comfortable, safe, and healthy environment to prosper in this decaying world. 

I am in a position where I have less wealth than I ever have before, but I have also achieved more dreams than I ever have before. I am living in a place I have dreamed about since I was young. I am living among the mountains and the great glory of this Earth’s nature and all it has to offer. I am living with and building a family of humans and animals that love me greatly and our soulmates of mine. I am living as a witch who believes in my value and abilities. 

These things drive my passion, my hope, and my willingness to do more than simply survive. My willingness to always push to be thriving. What doesn’t drive this will to live fully is paid work, perceived achievement/success, and valuing profit. 

It is very difficult for me to “show up” as my full self or with 100% energy when I am not intrinsically motivated by the values I consider most important. These are things I typically do and express in spades. Especially, in critical situations and oftentimes to a fault or to the great annoyance of others. 

However, I’ve learned the hard way in my adult years that when I try to pursue things that don’t fulfill my soul purpose or innermost values, I not only fail, but I suffer greatly, relapse, and regress. 

ADHDilemma 

As I referenced in my introductory post, I was a high-achiever growing up. This is also a result of being an AFAB person and an empath with severe ADHD. I knew all the rules, I studied hard, I hyper-focused, I hyper-felt, I had way too many varied interests that were always changing, I wanted to win, to be loved as I was, and I took rejection and torment to heart. This allowed me to rise up as a star student, star sibling, star employee. I masked the qualities and behaviors that I was ashamed of or the ones that led to torment, rejection, or guilt. 

You see,  I could read other people and knew when I was upsetting them or when they were intentionally upsetting me. This made it easy to designate different emotions, behaviors, reactions, and conflicts into different buckets in my head. There were buckets that were safe to dump out in public, within a specific system, or with certain people, and others that were not. I became a masked person instead of myself.

What societal rules mixed with my persona and neuro-status didn’t allow me to do was love myself, and therefore, it prevented me from being a star-friend, or at least being friends with those who had my best interest at heart. More than that, the lack of love I had for myself regressed my ability to be a caretaker for myself, to be spiritually aligned, and ultimately to be happy. I let so many people victimize me throughout my life because of this and therefore have accumulated my own traumas along the way.

I have now learned so much about myself, unlearned so many unhealthy habits and behaviors, worked through a lot of trauma, embraced so many emotions and qualities about myself. This makes it heartbreakingly difficult for me to face what I call “the old me”. I really do not align with this person anymore, and I don’t really feel them in me at the deepest levels, but at the surface they are fully present. 

Old Habits Die Slowly and Painfully

This “old me” knew how to present on LinkedIn, in the professional world, knew how to do what I needed to do to get the job, to fit in, to lead the group, to follow the leader. Whatever was needed of me, I did it. 

I am now in a really tough financial position. I don’t have enough money to pay my bills, get medicine, go to therapy, take my pets to the vet*, get groceries, get more soil for my plants, etc. I know that I need to make money, and I know that the thing stopping me has been restraining myself from pursuing higher-income gigs. I have been fearful that I won’t “make it” in this new field that I am pursuing and that I left my corporate job to pursue. This has been stopping me from taking the leap into freelance writing gigs, into seeking out magazines or sites to submit stories too, to recording my first podcast episode, to finish setting up my profiles for freelance sites that are connected to my LinkedIn or require examples of my work. 

*Both my pets had full vet exams in April, I have simply not been able to afford a visit to a new vet for either pet since we moved. They are healthy.

Instead of going for these things that may make me more money AND fulfill the want and need I have to try to write and create content for things I am passionate about, I am settling for much less. Getting low $/hour to do low-brain-capacity work. A big part of this is feeling like I won’t be represented as I am now and for what I want to be doing, but rather for the “old me” because of the work I’ve done in the past for tech companies or consultants. The buyers of the work I want to do won’t have any specifically-relevant work to review. And the buyers of the work I used to do don’t want someone like me and I don’t want to write for those types of topics anyway. 

So why am I stopping myself from presenting in my full form online? Why am I not believing in myself to do the things I went to school for, live and breathe and consciously learn about with my time? 

Because I was always told that to succeed in business or in any field or industry, you need experience, presentation, professionalism, etc. And these things have always been defined through a straight, white, and male-driven lens. This means no tattoos, no colored hair, no piercings, no political issues or talk (even though what I want to discuss isn’t political to me, even if it’s politicized by the public). Why, no matter how much I oppose and despise those who set these “precedents and standards” do I still give in to them?

Because old habits die slowly, painfully, and only with a lot of work and resilience is it even possible. 

Shadow Work Makes a Great Assassin!

The only one qualified to kill off these old, and frankly unwelcome, habits is with an old friend - Shadow Work. Suffice it to say, I think all of this means that Shadow Work is calling my name. It’s time to have a real focus on this as I also work to pursue my creative and professional dreams. 

Shadow work allows us all to go inside and break down these old habits, old traumas, old blocks that come back our way to try and break down our soul. Consulting, tending to, and loving your shadow self can allow one to break free of these things, or even better, allow them to work for you and propel you on your journey to achieve your soul’s purpose.

To get started, I am working with this very poignant Full Moon that takes place tomorrow at its highest illumination. I have some shadow-work journal prompts, a Full Moon spell, and a ritual planned. 

I guess sometimes, being an ADHD witch has it’s upsides too. Witchcraft is a tool that really helps me live a meaningful life despite the struggles that come with my ADHD. I am who I am, and embracing the intersections of these two identifying pieces of me allows me to pursue my soul’s purpose.

- Aquirius (July 2021)

[hoodedpanda333]

About the unfortunate situation with PM

I would like to start out by saying that I'm not entirely sure what's going on with @pmseymourva because I'm the type of person to let things pile up and by the time I looked all of the related posts were gone.

But I think I get the gist of it.

I've been here since day one of Cyana's development, back in the good ol robo girl days, and if I'm honest I thought she was a little weird, but as time went on and she developed into the fun, cake loving, walk on her enemies lifeless bodies as a morning workout, blue elf girl she is today, I understood.

At first, with the internet rule, I felt that as long as Pat wasn't being shown/tagged in the disgusting images that people make then there wouldn't be that much harm in it. There is a very real risk of whatever you make being twisted for whatever use people seem to think they can and should be able to get away with, and while that sucks, there isn't much you can do to stop it. It seems like that's how he saw it, too. But from what I've gathered by scrolling today, people were commenting DISGUSTING and fëtish-like things on his drawings. Things he has no choice but to see.

The argument (or as I like to call it, the bullshit that people send to try and make themselves feel better) is that he was "asking for it" when he posted a female OC online.

First of all, what the fuck? I get that she's an OC, a character, but like...what if she wasn't? What if these comments were on a picture of a very real human being? Would she be "asking for it" as well?

Not to mention that this is, in its rawest form, victim-blaming. And let me tell you, the amount of shame and self hatred that follows that? I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

When I see characters like Cyana, I feel happy to know that my body type is represented, that characters who look like me aren't treated as a Martha Dumptruck target for hate and bullying. At least, not on the surface. I remember that whispering voice in the back of my head after Pat made his most recent adjustment to her body type. The amount of people who went from belittling her for being overweight and ugly, to saying she was beautiful because he made her stomach a tad thinner was absolutely astronomical and equally as mortifying. And there are still people who think she's not thin enough! 

And don't get me started on the amount of asks that were focused on the size of her thighs!! And those are just the ones we saw!! I can't imagine– no, I don't even want to imagine how many stupid comments he got over that one detail, let alone the entire character!!

I know that plus size characters, nay, plus size people always get this sorta treatment, but it by no means makes it ok!

And gross comments? For people like me with personal stories of my body being used for others amusement, the fear that comes along with the idea of people who are out there, taking an innocent character like Cyana and abusing her and Pat, makes me sick and terrified. Being AFAB non-binary and still viewing myself as partly female, this not only disgusts me, but scares me. 

Without knowing the specifics of what was said, I can't fully comment my views on the matter. But as a (partially) female content creator who has characters very similar to Cyana, the idea of someone using something meant to bring people innocent joy makes me hesitant to tell my own stories.

I know the anonymity of online comments is tantalizing, that people tend to think that they're not doing anything wrong or harmful, but my God that couldn't be farther from the truth. Cyana might just be a goofy character on the surface, but to me, she's an icon. An icon of self love. Of body positivity. Of wholesomeness that we really need in 2020. Of personal growth. She might not be real, but what she stands for is, and the problems that arise from these people on the internet thinking they can do whatever they want is extremely real and horrific.

And Pat. If by some miracle that you see this, I apologise for the horrible things people say. I truly wish that comments of love were enough to immediately make all of your problems disappear. Even if it's not realistic. I hope you know how much we love you, your characters, your content, everything! We appreciate you. We love you. Not just the things you do, but you. And much like our beautiful girl Cyana, you're not a robot. My heart broke seeing the video you posted, and while I was relieved your MRI showed the result of the headache being from stress, that doesn't make this any better. I hope you find things you can enjoy and take time to relax. Take this time to do everything you might even think you'd enjoy, and let go. We'll still be here when you get back.

[thatfilthyanimal]

Fuck it.

It's taken me 20 years to get up the courage to talk about this publicly. It's still leaving out some details and is only ONE person's bullshit in a tangle of MANY, but this one has been the hardest to talk about that has affected me the longest.

TW's under the read-more:

(Trigger warnings for gaslighting, manipulation, abuse, power dynamics, death threats, violence, underage sex of varying levels of non-consensual, victim blaming, cheating, etc etc etc it's all bad ok?)

...Mostly because I ended up getting shamed for it early, and blamed for doing the things I did and blamed for feeling hurt, and I ended up believing I deserved and asked for it. It's taken a very, VERY long time to come to terms with that, realize I'm safe now, and agree that I wasn't to blame-- I was a fucking kid. This shit happened between 12-16. I was a kid riding off the coat-tails of my parent's divorce and dealing with the weird grooming of my older boyfriend at the time and just. It's taken a really long time to stop making excuses and forgiving shit from people who never really apologized for hurting me.

Even if they HAD apologized it wouldn't have meant shit. I've since spent the last 20-fucking-years feeling ashamed and holding back, and I'm pretty sure I'm processing some ugly PTSD lately and notttt doing good about it. Every time I tried to talk about this or think about it until more recently, I'd blank, I'd disassociate, I'd have a panic attack, I'd shut down-- I can't keep doing this.

And part of why I'm talking about it now is because one of the ONLY things that has ever helped, in all of these years, is knowing that others have gone through similar experiences. I think a post crossed my dash once? Years ago? Kids being convinced by peers they're something inhuman, and their friends using the power play aspect of that dynamic to hurt them. It's... oddly common, apparently? But I didn't know back then. I wish I'd known. I wish I'd been able to talk to ANYONE about it who could have looked at my situation and been like "dude, none of this is real and she's abusing you".

I'm 34. I'm exhausted. I want this bled out of me and I'm really really really fucking tired of it blindsiding me when I'm perfectly safe and happy. It's been ruining my life. I want it gone.

Anyway.

Here's what I wrote a couple weeks ago. This is the most coherently I've been able to get this out.

(Full transparency tho, I don't expect responses. It's heavy shit. I just. Need to let this out and try to finally move on, because it's costing me thousands in therapy and meds, costing me relationships, costing me time, costing me tears, just-- fuck, I want it OUT of me and I don't know what else to do.)

-

Me, for the last 20 years: Hahaha yeah it was dumb teenage shit, it wasn't that bad

Me, now: Oh yeah she literally threatened to kill me in my sleep for years if I upset her, and upsetting her included being mad when she'd cheat on me, sometimes right in front of me.

She convinced me I was something inhuman for YEARS. Played this huge game where she was an Alpha and could kill me at any time. I wanted to believe the person I loved, my best friend, and so I did. I wanted to believe there was more in the world than being my boring ol' self.

This meant, if she was having a bad day, it was suddenly something I unknowingly did "while asleep", and she'd yell at me, punish me by hitting me, giving me the cold shoulder for no reason, etc.

One time I talked back so she kicked my leg so hard I limped on it for weeks.

She sat there like 8 feet from me and aggressively made out with a cuter girl I didn't know she was with while everyone hollered and cheered them on, meanwhile she made excuses she couldn't even hold my hand while in school. By that point we'd been together for maybe 4 years.

Another girl excitedly told me in one of my classes once that she got a new girlfriend, and I was like, oh! neat! who?

And then she said my girlfriend's name.

I had to tell this girl she was already being lied to because -I- was with her. She'd never been told.

She tricked me into thinking another random stranger was inhuman "like us" and she egged me on, and I gave this random dude blowjobs for over a year thinking he was secretly my "mate" in another realm. We "weren't allowed to discuss it", she said. Meanwhile this guy used me.

Neither her nor this stranger ever attempted to return the sexual attention. Not for my pleasure, at least. I felt untouchable, and I felt like I was only good for others if I was doing something for them.

This has led to me having a lot of sex I wasn't interested in, over the last 20 years. I'm grey asexual, probably. Didn't know until I met my asexual partner.

Sex is finally enjoyable because I don't feel like it's all I'm good for. But I still fall back to it when insecure.

She told her lies to my boyfriend at the time, but only after I called her crying because me and my "mate" met up after school in the woods to fuck, which ended up not happening because I panicked. Thankfully, he wasn't a rapist. But he also wasn't there to be a loving partner.

Had he been a caring partner, and patient with my nerves, I would have absolutely let him do it.

Welcome to the scenario where we consented (but I really didn't, because I thought he was someone else) and no one believed I was molested when I'd tell them.

"But you wanted it."

(I didn't want to press charges on him-- he didn't actually do anything wrong. He didn't know what was going on, and maybe he should have communicated better with me, sure, but I forgave him.

For this, people assumed I was telling them for attention and pity points.)

My boyfriend, blindsided by everything and understandably upset, woke me crying because, hey, what the fuck, I had been cheating on him. I asked who he heard that from, and he mentioned her. Of course, she failed to mention her manipulation bullshit or the inhuman stuff.

Because, why should she be responsible for her manipulation and lying to me for years? Why should she be responsible for the guy she encouraged me to sleep with?

My boyfriend forgave it and we moved on. I slowly distanced from her and realized how much she'd been lying.

I'm fully aware it wasn't okay and she was being manipulative and cruel. I'm fully aware I'm safe now and that normal people don't approach relationships like that. It doesn't stop the knee-jerk reaction to panic when AFAB people show me affection.

[normal-thoughts-official]

Oooh yeah the first time I was playing as a female mc because I wanted to romance ava and I usually go male mc if I want to romance a man and female mc if I want to romance a woman (and I think there was one book with where mc could be non-binary so I picked that one but I didn't finished the book), and Stacy's brother felt Hetero™ in a way, like Hollywood ish (? Honestly like cinematographicly bad hetero) but I ended up really loving Andy too, and Stacy felt a little flat but also I really liked her potential, like go crazy girl, and the mom issues.

Apart but holy shit you're 10000% right about that teacher like who inmediately threatens expulsion just like that for something not violent ??? And to an honor student with way too much on his plate ??? Obviously it would have been bad with any student, but you have literally the reason of why he's doing it and as a teacher HE LITERALLY COULD HAVE HELPED WITH IT ??????? Like something teachers can't really help students because it's a family thing only or is a financial struggle or etc but it was literally because of school (and his family, but the teacher could have heloed him with the school part)

(Identity thief anon (also I go by any pronouns ahhshs))

ur valid! that's lowkey what i wish i'd do (picking female MC if my fave LI is female and the other way around, i mean) but unfortunately i always go into the stories blindly having no idea what i'll find </3 so i cant really do that doiajdiosa and then i get attached for the MC i picked so i feel bad about changing their gender/name/appearance when i replay. so what i usually do is that i pick a male MC when i get the option because A- u don't always get the option, so i end up being male half the time and female half the time either way; and B- i feel slightly more comfortable with a male identity than a female one. like i'm still nonbinary and i wouldn't consider myself male aligned or within the gender of Man, but like... when i first came out i went by any pronouns but then because im afab everyone was like "cool, she/her only it is" so i was like fuck that and stopped using she/her. so i feel slightly more comfortable with a masc MC and end up going with that

there's also the fact that it always feels slightly genderfucky to have a male MC because choices is so sexist and also always writes the stories assuming ull pick a female MC, even when they give u the option not to. so when u pick a male MC he's very like not toxically masc and some things they add to make a QuiRkY MC that are very white woman and would feel annoying are actually kind of subversive for my black and brown male MCs. so like another win for queerness /j

ILITW MC in particular i feel has HUGE nonbinary vibes like no reason at all he just does <3 maybe it's just that for once the male clothes for ILITW actually fUCK. i wanna dress in that goth outfit <3 so gorgeous ugh. i love him even tho he's a fucking dumbass

also there's a book where an MC can be enby? worm? ive only ever read one book in choices with any enby characters at all (america's most elligible, books 2-3) but they weren't even a LI which is disappointing cuz they were a billion times superior to any of the LIs. sorry america's most elligible LIs fans

also oh connor IS the epitome of white cistraight man even when u play as a man tbh, like he was just so cistraight to me daouhdsaojdasij he kind of annoys me but also i forget that he even exists until he shows up onscreen and choices starts trying to push me into his lap and i'm just like, ugh, not again

and yeah i think i feel a similar way about stacy. i don't dislike her as a character and i don't feel like she as a character felt flat, her growth was very interesting and i loved seeing her start to challenge her mom like YESSS GO GIRL GIVE US EVERYTHING, she just felt flat as a LI to me ig? like idk i didn't feel chemistry between her and my MC personally, but also like, stacy girls are valid u know

right exactly. like i don't think ppl really understand that a school that doesn't drive people to cry during finals week and feel absolutely crushed by having to be there and that makes ppl feel like they're stupid, not enough, and overwhelmed IS IN FACT POSSIBLE and actually pretty easy to make when we stop treating students like statistics that will get the school more clients/funding (depending on whether it's a private or public school). and like as a teacher getting my degree in brasil it just feels completely surreal to me that anyone would see a student who's so overwhelmed by the amount of extracurriculars and responsibilities he feels like he has to take that he starts taking drugs to help his performance despite it affecting his health, and see that as like... something morally reprehensible? like it is bad that it happened but it's not the student's fault, what's morally reprehensible are the circumstances that led to his decision, not his decision

and like it is very much a systemic problem, more and more kids are taking focus pills to be able to survive the pressure of school and have a shot at a future, either on their own or because we are actually medicalizing not existing to be productive. and if it's a systemic problem then the fault is at the system?? and like holy shit i legit don't understand why choices gave us options like being like "it still isn't enough" when lucas gets rid of his pills, what do you mean it isn't enough??? enough for what??? to FORGIVE him???? for something that only hurt himself??? for something that is very much a systemic problem and therefore NOT HIS FAULT????? literally what the fuck even is this, lucas doesn't have to "make up" for a single thing, he needs to be HELPED is what he needs

like idk i know that the school system in the US is...... extremely backwards lmao which is not a term i like to use because it usually implies imperialistic views but the US is the height of world imperialism so like actually idc. brasil has a pretty progressive constitution and as a teacher my whole education was focused on being critical of the school system, particularly the productivity obsession, and drilling into us again and again that we aren't supposed to just be teaching subjects, we are also supposed to be teaching how to be a citizen, be a critical human being, work towards building a better future, and learning and growing AS A PERSON to be healthy and happy are values of the school system

like that's easier said than done when schools are under insane amounts of pressure by companies in practice to be productivity-driven, and most teachers who actually want to do a good job end up having to live at the edge of the knife and constantly fighting back outside pressure, but at least it is very much a mandatory part of our education to become teachers and also like literally part of the constitution. so i just... i can't fathom reacting the way mr cooper did? like as a teacher i felt BETRAYED, i felt like he shat all over my profession because that is the opposite of what we should be doing, this is a kid who needs help

and just like hOLY SHIT HE DID NOTHING WRONG, what are you punishing him for??? it's not even a like, stealing bread to feed your family situation, because what he did HAS NO VICTIM OTHER THAN HIMSELF, and therefore HE IS THE VICTIM NOT THE CULPRIT. he doesn't have to repent or atone or answer for a single fucking thing, he didn't victimize others, he doesn't have to apologize, there's nothing to punish him fOR??? like i don't believe in punishment anyway cuz im a prison abolitionist but doDAUSDJADASIJDAS???????????? HE DIDN'T. HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG. WHY IS THIS WHOLE GAME ACTING AS IF HE WAS IN THE WRONG. OH MY GOD

it's like saying that someone needs to be forgiven for self harming????? like how is it that someone has been hurt continuously until it led them to hurt themselves and then they have to? make up for it to a bunch of other ppl? my god it makes me so mad and i genuinely don't understand the logic, like usually when i see someone doing fucked up shit i can see the logic but i don't agree with it, but this time i genuinely DON'T SEE THE LOGIC. my USan friends said it was because he was technically doing drugs but like i legit still don't understand

anyway any school that drives a student to do something like that needs to rethink their entire curriculum and the psychological effect it's having on kids, because lucas is 1- not even the first one according to mr cooper; 2- even if he was, that'd be the only one who got CAUGHT; and 3- even if there was really only one singular student who went tHIS far, i doubt the others weren't feeling that same pressure and dealing with it in other similarly unhealthy ways

i know that's probably easier in brasil than in the US even if it's by no means easy here because here at least in public schools the curriculum and political-pedagogical plan has to be agreed on by the school community (teachers, parents, students, workers, and anyone who lives in the area of the school) and it's updated every year, so like, you have more means to do something to change the school in a deeper way, altho of course that still has to mean swinging the rest of the community, but still. but at the very least he could have looked for counseling for him? tried to find a way to take some of the workload off his shoulders? given him some more time on assignments? motioning for all the clubs he was the president of to have co-presidents so he was less overwhelmed?

like there was just daodsao he could have done so many things and he justs DIDN'T he chose to not only punish him instead but quite literally THREATEN HIM WITH DEATH because that's what calling the police on a latino student over a drug charge is. like he might've survived but the possibility that he would fucking DIE was very much there, and i know choices didn't think of that because they'd rather die than think about the racial implications of anything but holy fucking shit. and im not even getting into how mr cooper is BLACK because then ill just start biting people like thanks for putting that threat on a black character's mouth choices. if u need me ill be foaming at the mouth

anyway SORRY god why is it that i always get to the salty part within 2 seconds of joining a fandom i promise that i actually like it lives and the way they handled most of their plot, i genuinely think it's a very well written and actually worth ur time story but i just doadosaida like i said particularly as a teacher in the context where i'm being taught, plus with all my political beliefs, i just can't let it go aaaa

also ty for telling me ur pronouns! idk if i assumed them at any time, i don't think so but i might have done so without realizing and if i did im really sorry. also sorry for the gigantic salty reply daojdsaojdaisjsajdoadsaodasj rip me i never shut up

[khangowrites]

Is it a Complaint Essay or is the Workplace Unsuitable?

Ah, what am I writing today? Oh, well I suppose it’s almost 12am. Seems like a good a time as any. I wanted to just jot down a few re-occurring experiences I’ve had in the workplace and sometimes in other social spaces, and attempt to analyze them.

CW: mild mentions of abuse and bodily ailments.

A bit of forward: I tend to mask myself heavily whenever I am in any social situation; whether it be at work, at home, with friends or online (although I’m getting better at being myself on Discord at least. I owe a lot to my friends who accept me and whom I care so much about.) What this means is I often plan out what I’m needed to say in advance of a situation. I have an arsenal of about 5 minutes of small talk before I tank and several small greetings/placations I can cycle through on any given day if I’m not overloaded. I also limit my natural inclination to movement.

It’s called unprofessional/unsightly to sit with your legs folded under you, or to sway and shake your arms and legs back and forth in time to music in your head. But it’s okay if you tap your pencil. Everyone does that.

I have to wonder how noticeable my ‘masked’ self is. How real or fake it appears.

There have been a few trends I’ve seen with the way people treat me as an employee in the time I’ve been in the workforce. For clarity, I am a 23 year old 5’1” AFAB person with a face that looks like it stopped aging when I was 12. I’m non-binary, but I’ve seen that many have a hard time using a different pronoun for me because I look ‘so feminine’. I had one old man repeatedly tell me that my body was too pretty and that I shouldn’t hide it and ‘pretend’ to be something else. I was and still am quite unsettled and disgusted by that comment.

I haven’t used my full preferred pronouns at work simply based in fear of being fired or discriminated against further. Same thing at home- I haven’t told all my family out of fear. I may look back on this at some future date where I fully respect myself and I’m confident. I look forward to that day.

Oh, and I’m autistic.

Perhaps it is one of these things or all of them that cause people to treat me certain ways. I’d like to find out.

I worked outdoors at an Orchard for a season. They called me Cinderella because of the way I looked when I cleaned. They gave employees gloves and heaters. Only not me. When I asked, I was given a broken one and told to fix it. A coworker who had intellectual disabilities and poor eyesight was not offered a heater at all. I did not renew for the next season. Kim and I stayed in touch though.

I worked next at a gift shop at a historical site. I loved the history and the old buildings, but the cashier work was admittedly difficult. Most of the employees were kind, retired old ladies who treated me gently, like a child. Sometimes too much like a child. The assistant manager seemed wary of me, and she often avoided me. I don’t know why. I’m not good with eye contact, and I always fear that people will mistake my zoning out as being creepy or disrespectful; maybe it was that. She never brought her kids with her on days I worked.

The head manager was courteous, but always called me Special. We had an older man work in the last 2 years I was there who had a strong inclination to associate with the children at the shop, and in turn, me as well. He would always want a hug or pat me on the back, but ignored the other workers. I told the managers my uncomfortable feelings about him, but it went mostly unnoticed.

When it was found that I was decent with computers, I was tasked with entering jewelry into the system and creating labels with number associations. I enjoyed it, and they promised me a decent raise. My pay was raised a dollar several weeks later, and I found myself being tasked with more and more computer work, to the point of becoming an office manager myself, earning a grand total of 9 dollars an hour while my counterpart who started a year earlier owned a home on the same work.

I left that job after 4 years to be the music director at a local church. I love music and was excited. Maybe too excited. I developed acid re-flux and was hospitalized the week before my start day due to a panic attack. I realize now it was from stress. I also had an ovarian cyst removed a year later- it took up my entire pelvis and its formation was also attributed to stress. I’ve since been diagnosed with generalized anxiety, and I continue to have ever changing digestive issues, muscle problems and panic attacks.

After realizing I was autistic and also non-binary, so much of the stress of life started to make sense. The past few months I have been making life changes, and working towards finding a workplace that is accommodating and safe for me. My stress has lessened.

I worked at the church for 2 years. My last day is actually at the end of this month. As is the trend, I was not treated with respect when it came to my job. My pastor started choosing the hymns over me, and would make comments about me during services. His favorite was to say that my music made him fall asleep, and wait for laughter from the congregation. He had no musical knowledge, and forced me to play every song as fast as I possibly could. He didn’t believe I could do my job. Any attempts at mutual work failed to manifest. I unfortunately was groomed by a member of the hiring committee there as well, a type of abuse I didn’t even realize I had fallen into until several months after it was too late.

I currently work at a high school as a choir accompanist. I use she/they pronouns there, but no one uses they and I’m too worried to be fully they like I am outside of work. I am wary of soiling my relationship with the director further. She’s quite religious in the ‘gays don’t have rights’ way, so I have my fears.

The director is kind, but sees me as this innocent child that happens to have natural piano abilities, and the mutual respect that I’ve come to dream of just isn’t there again.

The director has the key to the doors and lets students in without fail, but conveniently forgets to let me in almost every day. At one time, I was in physical therapy and had a hard time standing and walking for any period of time. I almost went home because she didn’t answer any communication, class started 20 minutes previously, and it was 90 degrees outside and I needed to sit down because my legs were cramping. She plans the music weeks in advance, but doesn’t give them to me until the day the students get it, despite my repeated asking for time to prepare.

One day I was on zoom and she and the student teacher greeted me and then ignored my presence and played the piano herself for class. She struggled with the parts and commented to the choir that, “wow, Ms. Khango is actually pretty dang good at this- that little girl can play!”, but didn’t listen to me when I offered to play. I left the zoom after an hour.

The online students seemed to share my surprise at least, and I am grateful to them. They kept me grounded and reminded me that I matter and should have the same respect as everyone else in the room, zoom or not. They talk to me about not being heard and their chats not being read during class. It bothered me, too. The next week I brought it up to her in the form of making sure the zoom students were heard and she quickly dismissed it, like it was a puff of smoke. The students online now ask me questions directly and I relay them. It’s met with annoyance by the director.

They have voices too.

One of the scariest moments of my life was last week- I wore my ‘disability rights are human rights’ shirt to school. (Okay, maybe not scary to some, but it very much was for me.) After class, one of the students came to me and asked if I could help him find a way for his grandfather to get a seat at the concert, as he was disabled and he didn’t know how to proceed.

It filled me with joy to help him, and it filled me with rage when the teachers asked if his grandpa could just get out of the wheelchair instead.

My overall conclusion to all of these things is that people simply don’t understand, or don’t want to because it makes their lives harder.

Is discrimination and ignorance really easier than respecting people?

I’m not sure if this is all just one big complaint essay. I guess it is. What I needed to do was write it all out. All the things that make me uneasy or feel like lesser of a person. And I wanted to know why.

I note that at every job I am perceived as a child, or as someone naïve. I am not treated the same as another adult employee. I was ostracized for my way of moving and talking. Taken advantage of. My needs were not accommodated.

Even now, I feel guilt for writing this, like I’m just playing the victim for attention or something.

I want to be strong enough to stand up to it and ask to be treated with respect and have it follow through.

I want to unmask myself more and let myself move and talk naturally, and use my real pronouns.

My respect for myself and for others must become a powerful force.

My friends on discord- my real, genuine friends, have become monumental in my life. Most of my life I did not have true friends. Without them and their unconditional love and support, I would not be where I am right now. We are all equals. I want to embody that strong respect and bring it to others.

It’s getting late. 1 a.m. now. Well, I have tomorrow. Plenty of time for Star Trek.

[gotinterest]

The biggest issue with the inclusion/exclusion discourse from the exclusion side is the tendency to compare it to other movements of exclusion instead of facing it as the unique situation it is.

To preface, I do believe that ace people are a part of the lgbt community. I say are and not should be because... well... lets be honest. Ace people are present in pride activities and LGBT communities around the world. Regardless of if people like it or not, ace people are active members of the LGBT community. We have evidence of asexuality being actively discussed as sexuality going back decades. They are already there. The case for exclusion is one of kicking them out, not preventing them from entering.

The problem with the way we discuss ace exclusionism is that it is currently painted with the exact same brush as other exclusionary movements such as TERFS and truscum... when a large portion of exclusionists have almost nothing in common with either of those groups. Yes, there are exclusionists who harass people, who say that asexuality doesn’t exist, who discount the experience of ace rape victims, who are terrible people. 

But unlike TERFS or truscum, there isn’t a component of systemic danger from the activities of most ace exclusionists. The worst the vast majority of ace exclusionists do is make ace people feel unwelcomed in the community. Which is bad, but it isn’t blocking access to healthcare, making the very act of going to the bathroom anxious and political, funding alt-right groups, organizing mass harassment campaigns, increased policing, committing hate crimes, etc. So painting ace exclusionist in general as the same kind of threat as TERFS or truscum grossly misrepresents the kind of people most of them are and the sort of threat they pose. As a result it is hard for many people (so many of whom are on the fence on the issue of inclus v exclus) to take exclusionism seriously as an issue when it appears as though the people who are discussing it have no sense of scale when it comes to the kind of threat it is to people’s material safety.

We cannot actually DEAL with exclusionism until it is openly acknowledged that a lot of people are exclusionists or lean towards exclusionism both because of the aforementioned misrepresentation and because the ace community has an issue with self moderation. 

Many of the exclusionists I have gotten a chance to talk to about their views have told me that the majority of ace people they have come across have been wildly homophobic. Now, just because that is their perception, doesn’t mean it’s reality (furthermore the homophobia of individuals should not be used to discount everyone who shares their sexuality). But it is worth looking into why this perception even exists.

The ace community is not anymore homophobic than any other community, but a growing problem with the ace community- particularly the online ace community- is how defensive it is of itself. 

Every time a post comes across my dash that calls out a loudly inclusionist ace person for homophobia or some other kind of bigotry, it is a) originally from an exclusionist and many times b) has comments added onto it which contain some kind of defense of the ace community by ace inclusionists.

Those defenses can be anything from “This isn’t actually homophobic” to “Not all ace people are homophobic” to “Well what about the stuff that [insert terrible exclusionist here] did?” 

The fact is, however, that just as the ace community is not any more inclined to homophobia than any other group, it is also not any more immune to homophobia than any other group. 

It is not appropriate to respond to specific accusations of homophobic behavior by individuals in a community by saying “well homophobia isn’t actually a problem in this community.” or “Well what about the behavior of these other people?” It is homophobic to immediately jump to defending the ace community, rather than acknowledging that- just as with every other community- homophobia is a problem in the ace community.

Furthermore, I have seen a growing number of posts that seek to distance the ace community from many accusations of problematic behavior by blaming trolls, old posts, or by downplaying the amount of ace people actively engaged in that behavior. While yes, there are trolls, old posts, and a few vocal individuals, many of these posts that I’ve seen lately (including a specific popular one that I’ve seen multiple times) attribute almost ALL problematic behavior to those three things. 

An example of a very popular problematic behavior to do this with is “ace people asking gay people to refrain from discussions of sex or public displays of affection”. I have heard many stories from several people I know IRL (who are even inclusionists!) of this EXACT thing happening in their GSA or college LGBT group. This isn’t just a case of loud random assholes on the internet, it’s a widespread enough IRL issue that it should be dealt with maturely rather than just being brushed off to the side.

Then, of course, there is the issue of ace inclusionists preemptively attacking people for “exclusionism” when they aren’t even exclusionists. For example, recently a post went around about (I believe) a bunch of LGBT+ flags being added to a list of emojis. In the list of added emojis, there were about 6 or so flags being added, but somehow neither the trans, bi, nor a single lesbian flag were included in the new list of flags. The OP made some sort of comment about “how do you forget the LG and T of LGBT?” The notes of the post were FILLED with people accusing the OP of being an exclusionist and using this to attack ace people. In reality? The OP wasn’t an exclusionist. They weren’t degrading the inclusion of the other flags at all, merely expressing outrage that three of the MAIN LGBT identities were left out for seemingly no reason. This sort of jumping to conclusions is not as common an issue, but it is one that I have increasingly seen.

What I have not seen, however, is a clear movement of ace inclusionists who look to address the kind of homophobia that is specifically within the ace community. I see, for example, plenty of posts from trans men decrying the sexism, nbphobia, and transmisogyny specific to the trans male community. I see plenty of posts from lesbians and bi women decrying the transphobia and, specifically, transmisogyny that develops in their communities. I’ve seen posts by lesbians addressing the biphobia in their community. So on and so forth.

I do not see a similar movement of self moderation from asexual inclusionists. I have seen plenty of asexual ace exclusionists decry the homophobia within the ace community, but not asexual ace inclusionists. As I’ve said, the ace community is not more homophobic than any other sexuality, but the way that homophobia manifests in the community can be specific TO the community (just as there are specific forms of transmisogyny in afab trans masc and nb communities, or specific forms of biphobia in the gay and lesbian communities, etc) and yes, that’s even after taking into account that there are many gay/bi ace people (because internalized homophobia can be uniquely influenced by the other identities held by an individual).

I don’t see inclusionist ace people discussing “how do we craft spaces that are safe both for sex repulsed ace people, AND gay/bi people who wish to discuss sex? At what point does one’s discomfort with discussions of sex in certain spaces go from being valid to being homophobic?” 

I don’t see the discussions of the latest big elephant in the room: “Why is there a repeated problem of the ace and sometimes even aro flags being newly included in things while stuff like the lesbian flag is still being left out? How can we best stand in solidarity with the lesbian part of the community on this issue?” 

I’ve not seen a single post by an asexual inclusionist going “Hey can we stop co-opting the struggle of trans women by making post after post after post that makes it seem like TERFS are one of the primary sources of ace exclusionism and that we are one of their main targets even though the vast majority of TERFS are neither in the LGBT community nor really think about ace people one way or another?”

These are all specific manifestations of bigotry in the ace community. So they should be dealt with! But currently even calling one of these things out as issues can get you labelled as an exclusionist and aphobic even if you are an inclusionist and/or ace. We will not be able to change the narrative of the inclusionist ace community as having an issue with bigotry, and specifically homophobia, if we do not actually address that bigotry. Ace people are a part of the LGBT community, so we ought to stand in solidarity with the rest of the community by working out these issues.

[watercolourferns]

I’m burning out...

Today I’m a little melancholic... and not in the good way...  I’ve been managing a Mexican feminist facebook page for days now... it’s so tiring. The way machos go out of their way to post hateful shit... but also the way girls want us to resolve their problems as if we had a magic wand. I get it, I’m AFAB, I still get discrimination even being a trans demiboy because I look “too feminine” and Mexico hates femininity... but we can’t help everyone, we can’t post everything because we need to verify everything and we have just so many hours to the day without forfeiting self care and free time like I’ve been doing... I had to put up an announcement that we are against TERFS, but also against people who want to kill them because it was getting out of hand... and let me tell you about men-exclusionists (misandrists)... and if you mention LGBT+ many crawl up the walls screeching... Why do people make activist work more tiring and complicated than it needs to be? My faith in humanity has been declining for the past weeks more than usual because of this... I dread using facebook now because of it. I mean I had stopped using it for a while and now just use it to admin and moderate my illustration page and the feminist page... but I dread checking it because of it...  Maybe I need a break, but I can’t take it, specially not now that the 8th of March protest is coming and on the 9th we’re gonna have a national women’s strike...  And that opens a whole ‘nother can of worms because in the last protest the local justice building was ransacked, burnt and graffittied and people still don’t understand that they did it for a reason: the lights of the building and it’s square were turned off when the women and girls were reading the lists of feminicide victims and doing confessions and reading poetry. They screamed for the lights to be turned on, for their voices to be heard, and they were ignored... But even other women are condemning these brave people who dared show the system we’ve had enough, and the mayor, who is also a woman, is trying to pursue and jail them... yet she cried on TV because she can’t fix the fucking street and lighting situation in the fucking city, which is the state’s capital city, too. I’m so tired of all of this... of the injustice, of the unwelcome, and non-constructive critiques, of the government being unhelpful, killing women and AFAB and trans women and trans men off like we were some sort of plastic ducks in a fair... I think I’m burning out. But if I am, I think I should make the flame brighter and burn out with a bang... Because if I burn, they will burn with me...

[nothorses]

@stopcannibalizingourown definitely not derailing- I really appreciate the perspective!

I've specifically been seeing this assumption that AFAB trans people are too emotional, whiny, hysterical, fragile, etc. This has sometimes been in the context of race, and while I absolutely acknowledge that white trans people are no less capable of racism than our cis counterparts, it is (IMO) still transphobic to levvy transphobic stereotypes against trans people- especially according to AGAB. It's still a form of socialization theory, and it's still bioessentialism.

I've personally had a few people now refer to me as "whiny" and "over-emotional", and to any attempt on my part to speak to harassment I've experienced as "self victimizing". And let me be real here; if anything, I have a history of hiding my emotions, avoiding any admittance of pain or hardship, and trying to seem strong and unaffected despite the situation. It's an unhealthy coping mechanism I developed as a result of abuse and dysphoria, and I have put in years of work to be able to admit when I've been hurt at all. Being told this progress actually just means I'm a girly female who whines too much and is only trying to manipulate others is uh... it sucks, actually!

Calling transmascs fragile, hysterical "AFABs" with victim complexes is transphobic.

Calling transfemmes brusque, angry, and unfeeling "AMABs" who lack empathy is transphobic.

Please criticize us when we fuck up! Hold us accountable for bigotry! but do it without just drawing from and reinforcing transphobic stereotypes. that's all.

I’ve got feelings™️ about the concept that being AFAB makes you more likely to be bigoted in any particular way vs. AMAB people.

idk man I just don’t think socialization theory becomes less bioessentialist and more Progressive And Transgender Friendly when you’re insisting a baby vagina makes you more bigoted/racist/whiny instead of more helpless.

maybe people’s personalities are not, in fact, determined by the presence of absence of a penis when they are born?? idk just a thought