#also I’m nauseous cause I’m hungry

[mymelodyisme]

Stressed and depressed but at least I’m pretty 💅🏽

And I’m going back to sleep when I get home 😴

[aroace-poly-show]

universe is against me today

[milo-is-rambling]

Every single time I get high and listen to fall out boy with my big headphones it makes me want to anxiety throw up because the lyrics hit so hard like you listen and it’s like I’m seeing inside of someone else’s mind and heart and like ough I’m high and music is incredible and the Fourth of July by fall out boy is making me have feelings I’m listening to fall out boy all today I’ve decided

[redocity]

kinda emergency request. Okay so I’m super sick right now but I also had a lot to get done this week so I pushed through and ended up collapsing. It was a whole thing and I went to the hospital for a few days. I hadn’t eaten cause I was nauseous or slept because I was in pain. Any way would it be possible to get a Evan Buckley x reader on that. Sorry it’s a lot I know! But thank you!

PUSH THROUGH — E.BUCKLEY

Being sick and being a firefighter were two things that should never exist at the same time. when you push yourself a little too hard and end up collapsing, buck gets more than a little worried.

WARNINGS: gn!reader, sick reader, mentions of nausea and wanting to throw up, reader faints

evan buckley x reader || hurt/comfort || 3.0k || requests open!

a/n: i hope you’re alright and get better soon!

₊ ⊹ masterlist!!

Being a firefighter was hard. It consisted of long and physically taxing workdays, a lot of mental scarring, and most prominently, a lack of regular breaks.

Some days were okay, slow days where you only had three or four calls in a 12 hour shift, but on days like today, where you had spent a grand total of 35 minutes in the station in the last six hours —with the first 20 of those being before your shift even started— being a firefighter felt like you were living through your own personal hell.

“Hey—” Buck nudges you with his elbow, and you blink your eyes shortly before turning your gaze to him with a small hum, breaking yourself out of your dissociation of staring blankly across the lounge room.

“I’ve been calling your name for like a whole minute, are you okay?” Buck’s eyebrows furrow in an obvious concern for your well being, a dark line forming at the top of the bridge of his nose that you fight the urge to smooth out with the pad of your thumb.

You might have an unprofessional friendship with Buck, but even you knew what boundaries were unsafe to cross.

“Mhm, I’m fine,” Your voice is distant even to yourself, like there’s a layer of cotton coating the inside of your ears.

“You’re not though,” Buck presses the back of his hand against your forehead to feel for a temperature, and you swat it away lightly with a small shake of your head, something that does nothing in disproving Buck’s theory. “You’re all quiet and warm, and I can see your hands shaking,”

You clasp your hands together at the last part, interlocking your fingers and holding them securely in your lap so that they can’t move without your consent anymore. “I’m fine,”

He sighs at your continued dismissal. It was obvious that you weren’t okay, so why would you keep trying to pretend like you were? “Have you eaten anything yet? Maybe you should eat something, you know, replenish all of those nutrients or whatever,”

“Okay Dr Buckley, no need to treat me like a five year old,” You roll your eyes with a short laugh, and a small smile etches it’s way onto Buck’s face at the flicker of your usual personality shining through despite your current condition. “I’m not hungry right now—” Buck opens his mouth to argue, but you hold up your hand before he can get a word out. “—But, i’ll see about getting something after our next call okay?”

He lets out a short breath through his nose as he concedes defeat, leaning back against the lounge sofa dramatically. “Fine, but I will make sure of that,”

You hope he doesn’t.

You’d tried to make yourself a piece of dry, bland toast this morning to quell the growing ache in your stomach from how little you’d fed yourself over the last two days, but it ended up with you feeling so sick that you had to take almost ten minutes of your morning doing deep breathing exercises so that you wouldn’t throw it back up again. You didn’t fancy a round two of that.

“Yes sir,” You exaggerate your response through a mock salute, and he gives you a short laugh and a pat of his hand on your lower thigh, squeezing it lightly.

You take the end in the conversation to relax against the back of the sofa, but as soon as the back of your head meets the top of the cushion the alarm rings out and you curse your own downfall.

Buck gives your leg another pat as he stands, holding out his hand for you to take so he can help you to your feet, something which, although you would keep to yourself to stop him from worrying about you even more, you were grateful for in the wake of your staticed vision in the first few second of you standing upright.

—

It wasn’t the worst call in the world, some driver going 10 over the speed limit managed to swerve off the road, over a patch of grass, and land right into somebodies six foot hedge lining their yard. All you had to do was winch the car out and check that the driver didn’t have any injures. It took less than half an hour.

But by the time you climbed back into the truck you felt like you had absolutely no energy left whatsoever, your shoulders slumped and your head limply resting backwards against the headrest in fatigue.

You were just absolutely exhausted, probably not helped by the rough nights you’d been having because of the phantom pains that seemed to plague you whenever you moved so much as an inch.

You considered asking to stay at the station for the next call, or just asking to stay at the station for the rest of your shift entirely at this point. You weren’t sure you’d have the physical capacities to be of any help at all, and if you were to tag along you’d just be a nuisance to everybody else as they tried to do their jobs.

You didn’t have to make that decision yourself, your body made it for you.

Buck had been extra attentive to you on the call, and that didn’t end once the truck parked in the station, he climbed down the truck’s side ladders before you, turning to hold out his hand so you’d have an extra balance point if you needed it whilst climbing down, but instead he was met with your clouded gaze, literally watching the moment your consciousness seems to slip away from your body as your foot misses one of the steps and causes to stumble forward.

He catches your weight in his arms before you can hit the floor, a panicked “Cap!” echoing through the engine bay as he lowers you to lie on the floor with your head resting on his thighs, all colour drained from your face as your eyes flicker underneath your eyelids.

Hen and Chimney are at your side before Bobby is, but he’s not far behind as the rest of the team circle you in concern.

“What happened?” Hen furrows her eyebrows as she watches Chimney check your heart rate, tightening a blood pressure cuff around your arm.

“I don’t know they just collapsed—” Buck’s voice mirrors his expression it’s panic.

“105/70, alright, lay them down on the floor, Eddie, put your jacket underneath their feet,” Hen removes the blood pressure cuff as Buck and Eddie rush to follow her instructions, and her and Chimney share a nod as they both confirm you’re not in any medical danger.

“Are they okay?” Buck hesitates to lie your head on the concrete floor, so his leaves his hand as a barrier between you and the floor.

“They’re fine, it’s just hypotension, do you know if they’ve eaten or drank anything today?” Hen puts a comforting hand on Buck’s shoulder to help calm his panic as the adrenaline from your collapse slowly dissipates.

“I asked if they were hungry earlier and they said they’d eat something later,” Buck presses his lips into a line, feeling mildly guilty about not pushing you to eat something earlier when he had the chance to.

Your head twitches in his hand before he has the time to drill himself into a spiral over it, and soon enough you’re squeezing your eyes shut tighter before flickering them open.

“There you are, welcome back to the land of the living,” Chimney rubs your shoulder with his hand as you wake, and promptly pushes you back to lying flat when you try to sit up. “No, stay there, you’ll only pass out again if you sit up too quickly,”

“What happened?” You squint your eyes under the harsh overhead lights, covering them with the back of your hand.

“You collapsed on the way out of the truck, gave us all a scare there for a moment,” Bobby crosses his arms as he steps into your line of sight, tone carrying reprimand but his expression laced in concern.

“Right… sorry,”

“Don’t apologise,” Bobby shakes his head shortly, “When was the last time you ate?”

“Uh…” You don’t know whether it’s the fact that you’ve just fainted, or the weird angle you’re currently at that’s making you slower than usual. “This morning,”

“It’s almost 4pm—” Buck’s voice announces you of his presence like he hasn’t been protecting your head from the concrete for the last five minutes with his hand, and you crane your head backwards to look up at him.

“I felt sick, I didn’t want to throw up everywhere that’s gross,” You groan slightly as your neck begins to ache. “Can I sit up now?”

“Slowly,” Hen takes your hand as she carefully pulls you to sit upright, and Buck remains on his knees behind you in case you need to lie back down again. “How are you feeling? Still lightheaded?”

“A little,” You rub the knuckle of your thumb over your forehead in an attempt to alleviate some of the tension lingering there, and Hen hums.

“Alright, it’s time for you to eat,” Buck places both of his hands on your shoulders as he stands, squeezing them softly before extending a hand out to help you back onto your feet, which you take without complaint.

“Okay,”

You let Buck lead you up to the open lounge with mild guilt written across your face. Guilt and embarrassment at the fact that you’d passed out in front of everyone.

“Okay, so we’ve got tomato and onion pasta bake, left over macaroni and cheese, uh…” Buck rifles through the fridge for what’s left of different Bobby creations over the last few days. “Ooh there’s lasagna in here, I might have to keep that for myself,”

He knows it’s not the funniest thing he’s ever said, but when he turns back to check on you, the way you’re sat blankly staring at the table doesn’t spell anything good.

“Hey,” Buck abandons his fridge endeavours with a small sigh, walking over to put his hand on your shoulder. “Are you alright? Really?”

You barely so much as acknowledge him, giving him a small hum as you rest your forehead on the palms of your hands. “I think I should go home…”

Your tone causes the worry to flood back into his features. “You have to eat something…”

“I don’t know if I can stomach it right now,” You close your eyes momentarily, slumping forward so your entire upper body weight is resting against your hands. “I still feel sick,”

He can’t really argue with you about that. Nauseousness was a pain in the ass. But that didn’t mean you didn’t need something in your body to help whatever deficit you were going through right now.

He takes a moment to think through his options, biting the inside of his cheek. “Uh… What about a protein shake? I’m pretty sure I left a few packets here somewhere—” Buck leaves your side to look through some of the kitchenette cupboards for protein shake packets he’d stoad hidden from the team.

“Ah,” He makes a sound of triumph as he retrieves them, holding them up above his head as he’s crouched behind the kitchen island so you can see them. “We have…” He turns the packets in his hand one by one. “Chocolate, banana, vanilla, strawberry, and… blueberry, take your pick,”

You give him a look that tells him you’d rather not have any of them, and a worry line forms in his forehead once more. “Come on… It’s like a milkshake, and you can drink it as slow as you want,” He walks back over to you slowly, the packets held out in his hands towards you so you can choose one. “Please? You’re starting to worry me for real now,”

You begrudgingly take one of the packets from his hands with a small sigh. His concern was appreciated, but it was also mildly daunting. You didn’t like the way his face furrowed when he was concerned about you, it didn’t suit him like smiling did.

“Thank you,” He takes the packet back from you once you’ve chosen which one you want, leaving the others discarded on the table as he prepares the drink for you. “Drink this and then go home and get some rest okay? I’ll drop by your apartment after the shift is over to check on you, and if you still feel really bad then we should go to the hospital,” His words are spoken unevenly as the exertion from shaking the drink canister reaches his vocal chords.

“I don’t need to go to the hospital Buck, I’m fine, i’ve just got the flu or something and pushed myself too hard,” You shake your head adamantly at his suggestion, and he mirrors it himself as he pours the drink into a glass and puts it on the table in front of you.

“Some people go to the hospital when they’ve got the flu and don’t push themselves too hard,” He points at the glass once it’s on the table. “Drink it,”

You oblige with a roll of your eyes, your first sip barely even considered one as you try and force yourself to swallow it through the invisible blockade in your throat.

“And maybe try and take a nap or something? You look exhausted,”

“Oh thanks, that makes me feel so much better,” a your voice is dripping with sarcasm, and it leaves a small smile on Buck’s face.

“You know what I mean,” He shakes his head lightly as he stashes away the remaining protein shake packets. “How much sleep did you get last night anyway?”

He asks you the question right as you go to take another sip of the shake, and you force yourself to swallow it uncomfortably to answer him. “Maybe like three hours? I had a really bad migraine and my lower back was hurting,”

Buck sighs loudly as he pulls out a chair to sit behind you, and he opens his mouth to say something, but you beat him to it.

“I know I know, that’s not good, i’ll work on it okay?”

“That’s all I can ask,” He gives you a small smile with a shrug of his shoulders.

—

You didn’t have to think about complying to Buck’s suggestion of going home, and after a long hour of trying to digest the protein shake in front of you, that’s exactly what you did.

The station felt remarkably quieter without you there, but that was arguably because everyone was still shrouded in a combined worry for your well being that left them more solemn than usual, their usual banter getting lost in the process.

Once the shift was over, Buck kept his word in heading straight to your apartment, knocking the door with no answer.

He questions whether he got the number right at first, but he’s been to your apartment enough times to know that he hasn’t just stumbled to the wrong door. And the longer it stays shut in his face the more worried he gets.

So he tries the door handle, and it opens, meaning you’d left your apartment unlocked.

He calls your name a few times as he walks in, a small rush of adrenaline making its way through his veins at the slight possibility that something could’ve happened in the few hours since you’d been home alone.

A small breath of relief escapes him as he finds you.

You were circled up into yourself on your couch, TV left on standby as you slept in what Buck assumed to be an extremely deep sleep.

How you manage to make that tiny sofa look like the most comfortable place in the world he doesn’t know, but you seem to be more than happy wedged into the corner with a decorative pillow clutched tightly against your chest.

It’s a welcome sight after everything you’d been through today, and Buck rifles around to find a blanket to throw over you before taking a seat on the other end of the couch and settling in for an evening of watching random movies on your TV until you woke up.

Even if that meant him staying overnight.

[ellecdc]

Hiya ^^

I'm kinda new here, but I really love your writing as was wondering whether you could do a wolfstar x male reader os for me?

I'm thinking that Sirius and reader are in a relatively open relationship and remus is kinda panicking, bc he's having a major sexuality crisis and then one of them notices and invites him to join them to get some experience and figure himself out and they kinda tease him for not figuring out that he's gay sooner, but it's all in good fun and love.

Thank you you much, I'd be really happy if you could do that (no worries if you don't want to though.)

hahaha this was such a cute concept, I had fun daydreaming about it! I've only written I think for one male!reader before so I hope I did it justice!

poly!wolfstar x male!reader or..... I suppose poly!sirius+male!reader x Remus? idk, you decide

CW: gay awakenings, bi-panic, not internalized homophobia BUT Remus doesn't really realize he's allowed to like both girls + boys, coming out/experimentation, suggestive content but nothing is described or explicit

Remus was beginning to think he’s made a terrible, terrible mistake.

Two mistakes, perhaps.

The first one, admittedly, was getting caught.

…

Sirius came bustling into the dorm room with you following closely behind, both damp from Sirius’ post-practice shower that you had clearly been invited to. 

“Gods, that was nice.” Sirius sighed as he fell back, spreadeagle on his bed.

You snorted as you ran a towel through your hair before tossing it at Sirius. “Would have been even better had you and James stopped snickering to one another through the bathroom door.”

Remus let out a snicker at that, earning him a knowing smile from you and a salacious smirk from Sirius.

“Hiya, Moons.” 

“Good practice?” Remus asked awkwardly as he repositioned himself in his chair.

Sirius hummed in acknowledgement as he watched you change into a pair of comfies with a hungry expression. “Just sore now, but this one’s offered to help me on that end.”

You snorted at him again but Remus noticed a slight hint of bashfulness as you pulled a shirt over your head. “You’re such a flirt.”

Sirius made a low sound in the back of his throat as he positioned himself on his elbows; eyes still glued to your form. “Can you blame me? You look good enough to eat.”

And fuck did Remus know it. He watched as the last sliver of skin disappeared as the bottom of your shirt met the top of your joggers, which Remus mourned the loss of. He found he wanted nothing more than to run his fingers through your wet hair and see if he couldn’t convince you to take that shirt back off.

What was wrong with him?

Not only had Remus never even been with a guy, but he was also fantasising about his best friend's boyfriend? He felt like a fraud and just downright despicable. 

Remus had a rather sheltered upbringing; living in the rural coast of Wales whilst being unable to attend school with the village kids meant a lack of exposure to, what his mother would call, less traditional lifestyles. 

Remus enjoyed girls, he knew that because he’d experienced girls. Sirius enjoyed boys, Sirius knew that because, well, he’d experienced boys. And that drove Remus barmy. 

Because you either liked girls, or you liked boys, right? 

So how come he felt as though he’d be equally happy should you or Sirius fall into his bed as he would with the likes of Emmeline Vance? 

“Don’t you agree, Moony?” Sirius asked, startling Remus from his gay panic musings only for him to find the two of you staring at him.

“Sorry?” Remus choked out, causing Sirius’ smirk to grow both wider yet somehow softer.

“Doesn’t he look good enough to eat?” He asked again, using his head to gesture towards you where you seemed to grow somewhat shy.

“Siri…”

“I’ve seen you lookin’, Moons.” Sirius continued regardless of your warning. “First it was just me and I couldn’t really blame you, but now I’m starting to see a trend.”

Remus felt nauseous; Sirius would hate him, surely? Ogling him and his boyfriend like some pervert. 

“M’sorry, Pads.” Remus whispered hastily as he closed his book and made to stand. 

“Whoa, whoa, hang on.” Sirius stopped, standing from his bed to stand in front of Remus with his hands up in surrender; his towel falling sinfully lower on his hips. “I only asked in case you wanted to…you know, join?”

“Join?” Remus parrotted, looking between you and Sirius only to find your eyes glued to the side of Sirius’ face. 

“Well aren’t you curious at all? Isn’t that what all the staring is about?” Sirius continued, his hands falling more relaxed now as he opted to lean against one end of his four-poster bed. 

“Have you ever been with a guy, Remus?” You asked softly then.

“Uh, well, no.” Remus responded horribly awkwardly. 

“Do you want to try?” You continued, smiling at him with nothing but kindness.

And Remus tried.

He tried to search your face for any signs of malcontent, taunting, mischief, or jealousy. But all he found was understanding. 

“Do you want one of us to leave? Do you want to watch? Do you-”

“Watch.” Remus blurted quickly, cutting Sirius off mid-sentence. 

And if getting caught had been his first mistake, that had been his second - agreeing.

Because what had started as Remus watching quickly turned into you offering to do the same for him, which quickly turned into Remus offering the same in return, which then officially found Remus naked, panting, and satiated on his back in Sirius’ bed. 

“You alright, Moons?” Sirius asked half-teasingly, half-earnestly as he rose from his bed to look down at Remus who was still holding onto you for dear life. 

He suddenly felt like he was intruding, which was hilarious considering what the three of you had just done, and Remus tried to ignore the slightly hurt expression that crossed your face when Remus ripped his hands away from you as if they burned.

“Erm, yeah, yeah! No, I’m uh…I’m fine, good.” 

“Do you have any questions?” Sirius continued, one of his perfectly groomed eyebrows arched in scepticism. 

Remus groaned and covered his face with his hands. “None that you can answer, I don’t think.” 

“Why don’t you try us?” You offered then, standing from the bed and retrieving your clothes and tossing Remus’ at him as well. 

“Does this mean that I’m gay?” Remus all but whispered, though Sirius’ surprised bark of laughter let him know that the two of you did, in fact, hear it. 

“This doesn’t have to mean you’re anything, Remus.” You chuckled as you elbowed your boyfriend chidingly. 

“I’m sorry, I’m not laughing at you.” Sirius apologised as he wiped a tear from under his eye. “This is just so funny because you were my gay awakening.”

Remus felt light headed as he blurted “what!?”, looking to you in horror of what Sirius just admitted only to find you laughing. 

“I had always sort of known that girls didn’t exactly…do it for me, but I remember in fourth year you came back about a foot taller and had an ear piercing and then I knew that boys definitely did do it for me.”

“I guess I have you to thank then, Remus.” You said with a wink, and Remus felt his already furious blush migrate down his torso. 

“But…I still think I like girls, too.” Remus mused aloud.

“You’re allowed to like both, Moons.” Sirius emphasised with a nudge to his shoulder. “Or neither, or everyone or whatever…you also don’t need to figure any of that out right now.”

“But now at least you can know that it’s not just in your head, yeah?” You continued.

“Yeah.” Remus agreed breathlessly. “Yeah, thank you…both.”

Sirius laughed again and looked like he found some renewed energy. “No, thank you; fourth year Sirius would die to know I finally got you in my bed.”

“I’ll certainly be fantasising about that for a while.” You continued with a smirk.

Yes.

Remus made a terrible, terrible mistake.

Two mistakes, perhaps.

Because he was officially, well and truly fucked (read: pretty well officially gone for his best friend and his best friend’s boyfriend).

[scribere-flores]

Sabo x Reader

~Just a hypothetical question~

Part 1 Other Parts

Word count: 5,2k words

Short summary: reader is a noble, fakes amnesia when she's found by the revolutionaries in the woods. Sabo aint buying it.

Some flirty stuff and spiraling thoughts in this first chapter, but nothing graphic.

MDNI 18+

___

Okay, so hypothetically. Let’s say your parents did a very bad job at ruling a country and then said country got overthrown by a revolution.

Then, let’s play with the idea that you, as the heir to the throne, fled so you wouldn’t meet a bloody death at the guillotine. Reasonable right?

But what if you got mistaken for a civilian by the revolutionaries? And that you now were sitting in the middle of their base as the thundering sounds of civil war could be heard in the distance. What exactly would be the best thing to do in this situation?

Just as a hypothetical question, of course.

 

Y/N was sitting on a cold, tiled floor with her back leaning against a crate. She tugged the blanket that had been draped over her shoulders tighter, studying the muddy spots that covered her otherwise pristine, white nightgown. She was trying her best to keep her mind occupied with something else than thinking about her current situation.

The volunteer army had found her passed out on the forest floor and her disheveled appearance had led them to believe she was a civilian who was trying to escape the chaotic battle.

In one way, Y/N was thankful that her awful parents had sheltered her and only let her interact with other nobles. It was the reason she wasn’t chained up in a prison at this moment, being subjected to torture. But on the other hand, the fact that the citizens of her country didn’t know her face had put her in an anxiety filled situation. Because, for how long could she possibly keep her real identity hidden before the revolutionaries found out who she really was?

 

Y/N looked around at the hungry and pale looking people present in the room with her. A ball of guilt formed in her stomach, had it really been this bad? How could she not have known about this happening in her own country. Famine, poverty, sickness, death. The thought that it was her own greedy parents that had caused this kind of suffering made her feel nauseous.

Y/N spiraling thoughts of guilt were soon replaced by panic as she saw a woman walk towards her. Shoulder length, orange hair sticking out from under a pink hat with goggles and a black band around her arm labeled *R.A* made Y/N realize something, this girl was part of the Revolutionary Army. The same organization that tortured nobles for fun and had helped the people to start this civil war.

“Hi, can you please state your first and last name?” The orange haired girl asked as she flipped through some papers attached to a clipboard.

Y/N panic grew, shallow breaths not bringing enough air to her lungs. Why did the Revolutionary Army want to know her name? Had they figured out who she was? Oh no, were they going to force her to read their manifest for days on end as a form of torture? Her mother had told her that they did that to the nobles they would capture.

“Are you okay?” The girl asked as she furrowed her brows and leaned down closer to Y/N face.

“I-I’m…” Y/N stuttered. A cold sweat appeared, making her nightgown cling to her back.

“Koala, what’s wrong?” A man with wavy blond hair came over to them.

He was wearing something Y/N would almost describe as a noble’s attire. But when she saw the goggles on the hat and the black band around his arm she knew, this man was also part of the Revolutionary Army. The two revolutionaries' conversation was muffled by the high pitched ringing in her ear.

Y/N could feel the blond man’s narrowed eyes roam over her body, assessing and studying her. She could see how something must have clicked in his mind as his eyes widened. Oh no, she just knew he had figured it out, he knew who she was.

“Hey, what’s your name?” He asked as he squatted down in front of her.

He was giving her a smile she couldn’t quite put her finger on. What did it mean? Did he look forward to dragging her to the guillotine? Was that the reason he was smiling?

Y/N wasn’t ready to die yet, she had so much she wanted to do. Things she wanted to see but never had the chance to due to her overbearing parents. The lack of air in her lungs was making her feel dizzy.

She didn’t want to read their manifesto. She didn’t want to be tortured. She didn’t want to die, not unless it was because of old age. Her vision started to become blurry and the last thing she saw was how the blond man furrowed his brows, before she passed out.

___

Y/N could hear voices around her. She was lying in a bed, she knew that because she could feel the soft fabric brush against her skin when she moved her hand. She pushed herself up and opened her eyes, blinking a few times to adjust to the bright light in the room.

“Oh, you're awake!” A female voice exclaimed, making Y/N jump by surprise.

She looked around the bed and saw three people, the orange haired girl from before and two new faces. The one wearing a white lab coat was obviously a doctor and the other one must be another revolutionary. Damnit, Y/N had wished it was just some horrible nightmare. What was she supposed to do? Just play oblivious and hope they didn’t put her in a prison cell?

Wait, now that she thought about it, why wasn’t she locked up already? She was sure that blond man from before had figured her out. So why was she in a hospital bed?

“Do you remember anything?” The orange haired girl asked. Koala? Wasn’t that what the blond man had called her?

Y/N didn’t answer, she just blinked and tried to comprehend her current predicament. How was she supposed to keep her identity hidden? Think, think, think!

“Hmm, maybe she’s like Sabo?” Koala asked the doctor.

“That’s one possibility. We did find a wound on her scalp, so she most likely hit her head at some point. I wouldn't rule out memory loss as a diagnosis.” The doctor answered.

That’s it! Memory loss was the answer to her worries!

She would just have to pretend to not remember who she was and there would be no way of telling. Nobody outside the nobles knew her face, there wasn’t even a single portrait of her in the palace. Her parents wanted to wait with that until they found her a good husband. Because it wasn’t Y/N who would rule the country after all, it was her future husband. She was just meant to look pretty and stand beside him according to her parents.

Faking amnesia couldn’t be that hard, right? She would just have to answer any question they had with *I don’t remember* and her life would be spared. No guillotine for her, thank you very much!

As a not so subtle smile spread across Y/N she could hear someone chuckle.

 

“What’s so funny, Sabo?” Koala asked with an annoyed tone.

“Oh, nothing.” Y/N could see the blond man sitting on a chair across the room. He smirked as his eyes landed on her. “Nothing at all.”

Dear God, please have mercy.

Her false sense of security had caused Y/N to forget about that man for a moment. By the look in his eyes she could see that he definitely suspected her, but she wasn’t going to let that send her into a panic attack one more time.

She couldn’t understand why he hadn’t told anyone yet, but it didn’t matter. As long as she acted like she had memory loss, he didn’t have any proof. And Y/N was going to make sure she didn’t crack under pressure.

Game on, you revolutionary prick.

___

Sabo liked his job. He liked helping people, liked getting praise from his colleagues and superior. And he knew he was good at his job too.

Well, at least most of the time. It wasn’t his fault if he sometimes got a little sidetracked by unforeseen events happening. Like the times when he would come across cruel, greedy nobles or one of those disgusting slave traders. He shouldn’t really be blamed if he gave those kinds of people some small bruises before taking them to be trialed, by a law-abiding court, of course.

 

But this wasn’t like those times, this was actually part of his job. The girl some of the volunteer army had found and brought back wasn’t a normal civilian. Sabo knew that the moment he laid his eyes on the pricey nightgown she was wearing. And when he saw the way she held herself even in a panicked state, he was certain that his suspicion was true.

It had been almost a year since he’d gotten his memories back. And while the memories he had of Luffy and Ace were good, most of the other things he remembered weren't. He remembered that house, his so-called parents and the endless lessons on how to be a true noble. How to speak, how to eat, how to stand.

And that girl did every single thing just right. He was certain she must be some noble trying to hide her identity as a civilian, and she was obviously terrified of being found out. But why? It wasn’t likely that she had any part in the cruelty that the people of this country had suffered through. From what Sabo had learned, the noble class of this country was kind of misogynistic, women not having any worth besides looking pretty and all that kind of disgusting thinking.

And he knew that she wasn’t a bad person. And definitely not your standard greedy noble who always puts themself first.

She had quickly volunteered to help out around the base camp. Serving food, running errands. Making sure there were enough blankets for anyone needing them, even giving up her own to give to a stranger.

She made mistakes of course, but how much could you ask of someone who probably never needed to lift a finger their entire life. The important part was that she wanted to help.

 

She definitely wasn’t a bad person. So Sabo had decided to investigate some more before he brought the fact up with his colleagues. In the meantime, it couldn’t hurt if he amused himself a little with trying to get the girl to drop the obvious *Oh, I don’t remember*- act.

It was almost adorable how bad she was at acting like she had amnesia. She would get so flustered and her face would turn red anytime he asked her something. He found this little game they were playing absolutely endearing, taking any chance he got to push her further. Which wasn’t all that often unfortunately, given the on-going civil war and stuff.

However, it had been decided that both sides of the war would have a ceasefire for a few days, due to some important holiday Sabo didn’t quite understand. But it gave him an opportunity, he was going to make that girl crack before the ceasefire was over.

___

“Hey, Jane Doe! Help me out for a bit?” Sabo said as he pulled Y/N into a small storage closet.

“Please don’t call me that.” Y/N sighed as she tried getting out of the tight space, unable to due to Sabo blocking the door.

“What should I call you then?” he said with a closed-eyed smile, moving his face a little closer to hers.

Y/N just mumbled out some nonsense words as she moved away from Sabo, her back hitting the shelves behind her. He was way too close for her to stay calm and that devious smile was sending shivers down her neck. He let out a chuckle before taking a step back and closing the door.

Wait, that couldn’t be good.

“W-why did you close that?” Y/N stuttered.

“Oh, no reason. Can you help me find the mallet?” Sabo asked as something flickered in his eyes.

The what now?

Y/N had never heard that word a single time in her life. What was a mallet, some kind of material maybe? It started with the same letter at least, but how was she supposed to know?

Y/N knew the look on Sabo’s face. He was doing it again, testing her. Trying to make her slip up, catch her. She wasn’t going to let him do that anytime soon.

“Of course, no problem.” Y/N said with a not-so-convincing smile as she turned and started to look around the shelf behind her.

She could hear Sabo humming as he searched the other shelves in the room, occasionally apologizing after he’d mistakenly brushed an arm or hand against her body.

This whole *You will never make me crack*-thing would’ve been much easier if Y/N didn’t find the blond man so exceptionally attractive. Wavy hair strands framing a face with features that looked sculpted by a God. The faded scar, that would be frowned on as an imperfection in noble circles, didn’t bother her one bit. In fact, it only made him look more enticing in Y/N's mind.

Tall, nice taste in clothes and frustratingly handsome.

Like, come on! How was she supposed to not feel flustered when he acted the way he did? Always standing close enough for Y/N to smell the mix of milky soap and salt from the ocean. Not-so-innocent eyes roaming over her body when he thought she wasn’t looking. Or more likely, he knew that she was looking and just didn’t care.

It had only been a week since she woke up in that hospital bed and this little game between them started. And Y/N wasn’t stupid, she knew that Sabo enjoyed making her this way. She could see the amused look in his eyes anytime he’d made her blush like some incompetent girl who couldn’t hide her own feelings.

 

“Found it?” Sabo asked as he took a step, now standing right behind her back.

“No, not yet.” Y/N answered, flinching a little from the sudden lack of personal space.

“Are you sure you even know what it looks like? It’s okay if you don’t, but at least tell me why.” Sabo said as he moved closer, making the space between their body’s now close to nothing.

“Of course I know what a mullet looks like.” she scoffed, trying her best to ignore the small knot in her stomach.

“Mallet.” he said, making Y/N’s face red in embarrassment.

“T-that’s what I said!” she said with a shaky voice.

A warm puff of air tickled her neck as Sabo let out a deep sigh. Y/N was doing her best to hold back the whimper that so desperately wanted to escape her lips as she felt every little movement his body made against hers.

“How long are you going to keep doing this little act of yours?” Sabo asked as he placed one hand at the side of her waist.

“I don’t know what you are referring to.” Y/N said in a stubborn tone.

“You know, I’m starting to think you like this game as much as I do.” he chuckled as his other hand slowly started to travel up one of her arms, leather gloves brushing against the bare skin.

The grip around her waist tightened. Sabo’s body was towering over her, pressed against her, caging her in. As the knot of excitement grew, her body was starting to feel weak, like she was melting under his touch.

“What, does it excite you? Give you something different than your otherwise boring and mundane life?” The gloved hand moved to her neck, gently pressing it against her throat. “Tell me, I want to know.”

Sabo’s voice sounded like honey in her ear, making a soft moan escape Y/N’s lips. The air in the small closet felt heavy with tension as his body pressed against hers. The hand on her neck moved towards the shelf, grabbing something.

“Found it.” Sabo whispered into her ear before the hand on her waist turned her around.

Y/N knew that she must have been making a dumb face, since she was confused about what just happened. Sabo had taken a step back, holding what looked like a wooden hammer in his hand. A huge grin spread over his lips as his eyes drifted from her body up to her face.

“Cute.” He stated before opening the door and waved. “Well, see you later Jane Doe! Thanks for the help!”

Y/N sank down on the floor. Her heart was beating faster than she thought was humanly possible and her head felt like it was spinning.

What just happened? Dear God, please have mercy on me and send help.

___

Sabo had decided that it was probably for the best if he gave that poor girl (and himself) a break after their small encounter in that closet. Or encounter maybe wasn’t the right word to describe it since he had practically dragged her inside and trapped her. But God, that girl triggered something sinful within him.

He would’ve normally been feeling pretty bad about going overboard like that. But the fact that she had let that sweet, lewd sound escape her lips when he had pressed his hand against her throat convinced him, she had liked it.

The look on her face only made the fact clearer. Lust filled pupils dilated, a light pink flush over her cheeks and heavy breaths from her parted lips.

Even though he regretted it, just a tiny bit, Sabo was glad he left before he’d lost all control over himself. The best part could wait until he actually knew who she was.

But that didn’t mean he would stop having fun, it was actually even better now when he’d seen how she had reacted.

It wasn’t like he wanted to torture the poor girl. But fuck, the dirtiest thoughts in his head was almost telling him otherwise.

 

It was already late in the evening when Sabo started to look for her again. After searching for a while he bumped into Koala who told him that she had assigned the girl to cleaning duty in the makeshift cafeteria. And Sabo just knew he couldn’t miss out on seeing that, it was sure to be hilarious.

When he entered the cafeteria he saw the girl scrunched down like a ball, contemplating her life. On the floor beside her was a mop and a bucket with soapy water, both untouched by the look of it.

Sabo sat down by a table close to her and just watched her continuing to mumble *Dear God* and *What should I do?* over and over again, seemingly unaware of his presence. The scene gave him a twisted sense of satisfaction for a while, but soon turned boring.

“Need any help?” Sabo asked and then laughed as he heard a eep come from the ball.

She lifted her head to meet his eyes and… Fuck, she had been crying.

Sabo knew he really shouldn't find that attractive, but the look on her face made something inside him burn with want. Maybe he should be the one begging to God considering how much he wanted to make her cry.

But the good kind of crying of course. Her twitching in pleasure under him as her eyes watered from over sensitivity. Crying out his name as he made a mess out of her and…

Sabo stopped himself before his thoughts spiraled further and turned his focus back on the girl.

 

“So, do you want me to help you?” he asked.

“No thank you.” The girl stood up and quickly wiped her eyes dry.

“Do you even know how to use those?” Sabo said as he pointed towards the mop.

“Of course I do, I've seen the maids-”

She covered her mouth, stopping herself from finishing the sentence. But Sabo had heard what she was about to say. And when her face turned red, it was hard to keep the smug smile that spread over his lips.

“Maids?” Sabo asked, giving her a questioning look.

“I mean, I work as a maid.” The girl said as she waved her hands in front of her in a flustered manner.

“Oh, so Jane Doe remembers something?” He chuckled in response. Sabo knew that he would soon catch her in her lie, but he didn’t mind if their game went on a little bit longer.

“N-no, Yes, I… stop calling me that!” She looked like she was getting dizzy from his interrogation.

“Then what should I call you?” He repeated his new favorite question.

“Aren't you going to leave?” She snapped back.

“Nope, I want to see a professional maid at work. I might even learn a thing or two.” Sabo said as he leaned back on the chair, making himself comfortable.

 

The girl sent him a glare, even going so far as to stick her tongue out. Which wasn’t a well mannered thing to do. For a second Sabo almost thought that he may have been mistaken about Jane Doe’s identity.

His worries soon washed away when the girls picked up the broom in one hand and the bucket in the other. She looked around the room with a blank face, seeming completely at loss. There was no way she wasn’t a noble if she got stuck on the first step of something as simple as cleaning.

“Are you sure you know what you’re doing?” He asked, deciding to give her a little push.

“Of course I do. I was just about to start.” The girl said, giving the bucket a worried look.

What happened next made Sabo question what kind of life this poor girl had been living. But the fact became clear when she lifted the bucket with both hands and turned it upside down, spilling soap water directly on the floor. Some of it even splashed onto her dress. There she stood, in a puddle of water, looking completely lost.

And Sabo felt bad for her. Just how sheltered had she been before coming here? How little freedom would she have had if she never even saw someone clean before? He considered that there was a possibility that she never even left the house she grew up in, before running away when the revolution started.

This wasn’t as fun as he thought it would be. To be honest, the thought of how little control she must’ve had over her own life made him angry.

Thoughts of what could’ve happened if he didn’t run away when he was a kid haunted him from time to time since he got his memories back. It didn’t really bother him though, he had escaped the suffocating life his so-called parents wanted for him. He had been lucky when Dragon saved him from that shipwreck.

But she was still living that life, or at least until a week ago. She had probably spent years only saying yes and doing what others wanted her to do. Chains of oppression, only in a different and more privileged package than what the people of this country had been wearing.

He drew a deep sigh before standing and walking over to her.

___

“I’ll help you.” Sabo said, picking up the broom from the floor.

“You don’t have to.” Y/N said, as she tried to take the broom away from him.

“I’m only trying to do you a favor. Let me help.” He said again, pulling the broom towards him.

“Thank you, but I don’t need any help.” She answered, giving him a strained smile.

Soon a tug of war with the broom began as Sabo continued to insist on helping and Y/N continued to politely decline. After a few minutes of back and forths, she accepted that Sabo wasn’t going to give in. So she decided to let him win this time and let go of the broom.

Problem was that just when Y/N was about to take her hands away, Sabo pulled the broom towards him with a little too much force.

Before she knew it, she had completely lost her balance and slipped on the puddle underneath her feet. She closed her eyes and prepared for impact, hoping that she wouldn’t break her nose when she landed face first on the hard floor.

The painful impact never came to her surprise, but she definitely felt something hard under her hands. She moved them around a little before she realized what, or rather who, she had landed on.

Y/N mustered up the courage to slowly open her eyes. Sure enough, there was Sabo’s shocked face only a few inches from her own. Heat spread over her cheeks, quickly sitting up and frantically made apologizing gestures. This was by far the most embarrassing thing she had ever done. She had crash landed straight onto his chest without realizing.

It felt like her head was spiraling into chaos, but snapped out of it when she felt two hands on her waist.

“Please, stop moving…” Sabo said with a heavy breath.

It felt like a fuse was blown in her brain when she looked down and saw that she sat straddled over his hips. Then she looked up and saw a pinkish tint on Sabo’s face.

Y/N took back what she had thought just moments ago. This was the most embarrassing thing she had done.

“I’m so sorry!” She stuttered out as she leapt off him, now sitting on the floor. “Are you okay? Did you get hurt?”

She moved her hands towards his head and started to look for any injuries. Only after Sabo sat up and chuckled did she notice the burning pain in her own ankle.

She must have twisted it when she slipped. Y/N gave her foot a worried look and let out a small hiss when she touched it.

Sabo stood up and before she knew it, she was lifted off the floor.

 

“W-wait, where are you going?” Y/N exclaimed, as she was being carried away from the cafeteria in Sabo’s arms.

“My room.” He stated.

“Why? I’m not done cleaning and-”

“You twisted your ankle, right? I’ll tell Koala later.” He said, almost looking a bit worried.

Y/N was about to argue back, but felt it was better to stay silent when Sabo gave her a closed-eyed smile that seemed to say “You’re not getting out of this”.

So she gave up, surrendered herself to her fate as she was being carried through the halls of the base. Luckily it was late and no one was awake to witness the sight. After a few excruciating minutes of walking they finally reached Sabo’s room and he put her down on the bed.

As Sabo went into the adjoining bathroom, Y/N took the opportunity to look around the room from her spot on the bed. It wasn’t large and barely fitted the few pieces of furniture that were in it. There was a nightstand next to the bed. Against the opposite wall there was a small drawer and a desk filled with books and stacks of paper.

Y/N felt oddly relaxed in the room. Maybe it was because she had gotten used to Sabo’s presence by now. Or more likely, the lack of visible torture devices.

Soon Sabo came back with a roll of bandage in his hand.

 

“Bear with me for a second, okay? I’ll try to not make it too tight.” He said as he squatted down in front of her and took her shoe off.

Y/N hissed a little from the pain when Sabo started to wrap the bandage around her ankle. She noticed he was trying to be careful, being as gentle as he could be. She almost let a giggle slip past her lips when he stuck out his tongue to the side, his eyes completely focused on doing a good job.

Y/N had a hard time believing that the handsome and kind man in front of her was one of the cold-blooded revolutionaries her mom had told her about. Sure, he absolutely took pleasure in seeing her embarrassed, there was no denying that. But maybe there were different kinds of revolutionaries, and that he just wasn’t the murderous kind.

“There, all done.” Sabo said with a proud smile as he made a small knot.

“Thank you. And I’m sorry… you know, about the thing before.” Y/N said, getting a bit flustered from what had happened in the cafeteria.

Sabo tilted his head up and looked straight at her. He really was too handsome for his own good. Then Y/N realized something… She was alone. In his room, a man’s room. A man that had made her head spin when he had touched her in that closet earlier today.

A bright red blush spread over her face as she jumped back on the bed, trying to put some distance between her and the handsome devil that sat on the floor.

“Fuck… you really makes it hard to hold back, you know.” Sabo sighed in a quiet voice.

“W-what?” She stuttered out.

“Nothing, don’t worry about it.” He gave her a smile and stood up. “It’s late. You can sleep here tonight, I’ll find some place else.”

Y/N gave him a confused look. She had for sure thought he would take advantage of this situation to torment her.

“Or… I can stay and we can sleep together?” He asked, something dark flickering in his eyes.

“NO!” Y/N exclaimed as she threw a close by pillow at him.

“Once again. Cute.” Sabo said with a smirk as he caught the pillow in his hand. “Well, see you tomorrow Jane Doe. Sleep tight!”

Not even a moment later, he had disappeared through the door with the pillow in his hand. Y/N was left sitting on the bed, head spinning and heart beating like crazy once again.

It felt like she was getting whiplash. She couldn’t for the life of her figure out what that man wanted from her.

Did he want her to like him? Or did he just enjoy making her confused? Was he only trying to torment her with obvious flirting to make her crack and drop her fake-amnesia act? Or… did he actually want her? Y/N felt her heart flutter at the thought.

Well, whatever his motive was, she was at least sure he wouldn’t drag her to the guillotine. If he had wanted to do that, he would have exposed her and done it by now. However, that didn’t mean she was safe yet. She would still have to keep this act up, at least until the revolutionaries had left this Island.

After that she could start over. A new life without stupid noble rules or overbearing parents. A life where she could do the things she wanted. A life where nobody choosed how to dress, what to eat or who to love for her.

For some reason, Sabo popped into her mind at that moment. Y/N collapsed on the bed, the blanket muffling the sound as she let out a frustrated scream.

That handsome, revolutionary prick was going to be the death of her.

___

[lycandrophile]

i’m getting my drains out tomorrow and i’m sure things will be different after they’re gone, so here’s my observations about top surgery recovery as of 6 days post-op!

(click here for my first post, from 3 days after)

something i forgot to mention in my last post is that if they tell you a medication has to be taken with food, do not fuck with that. absolutely do not. my antibiotic had to be taken with food and on day 2, i thought “well, i just had breakfast not too long ago, surely that’s close enough and i’ll be fine” and my parents agreed, but guess what? i spent the next hour in hell. the meds made me nauseous so i had to eat, but eating still hurt a lot because of the sore throat from being intubated, so trying to make it better just caused me more pain. and both the sore throat and the nausea (which i guess was as much a heartburn sort of situation as it was nausea) were both very chest-adjacent feelings, so that on top of the usual pain and discomfort from surgery was just a perfect storm of horrible things all centralized to one part of my body. it was awful, and i will never fuck around with something like that again. that being said, if you do find yourself in that situation or are just looking for something light that will still do the job because you’re not that hungry, 10/10 would recommend oatmeal and apple sauce. apple sauce is what finally got my body to stop rioting against me and my bad decisions, and after that i started always taking it halfway through a bowl of oatmeal and that worked perfectly.

on day 4, i was able to sit up and get out of bed by myself for the first time! i still can’t do it just by using my core muscles, but if i hold onto my legs and lower them, i can sort of roll myself up into a sitting position without using any of the affected muscles too much.

on day 5, the sore throat from hell that being intubated gave me finally went away! cheers to not gripping my pillow in pain every two seconds while i swallow my spit anymore. it lasted a while, but it honestly went away pretty fast — on day 4 it was a bit better than it had been, and then the next day it was just gone.

also on day 5, i really started to feel the bandages digging into my armpits. i’m not sure if it’s because the bandage has been slipping up over time, if my armpits have some extra swelling now, or if it’s just been wearing my body down over time, but it feels like it’s starting to cut off circulation at a certain point and it makes my arms ache sometimes. that’s probably not great, but the surgeon will be redoing everything at my post-op anyway so i’ve just been riding it out until then. in the meantime, i can tell it’s definitely worse when i’m sitting back and kind of slouched (because that position pushes it up more), so i try to sit up or walk around when i feel it. having pillows on either side of me to put my elbows up on definitely also helps a lot — that’s how i’ve been sleeping, but it would be good for just sitting too.

also also on day 5, i started getting this weird fluttery feeling in the spot where the left side of my chest and the meat of my left armpit connect. it feels like it’s probably some sort of muscle spasm. it’s not painful at all, but i honestly wish it was because it’s just super weird and uncomfortable instead and i hate it. it genuinely might be my least favorite out of any pains or sensations i’ve had so far. luckily, though, it seems like it’s already died down and only happened a couple times today.

my energy has been all over the place. i’m at the point now where mentally i’m much closer to my normal state so i’m once again having the adhd urge to constantly do stuff, but my body’s ability to keep up is far less consistent. sometimes i get restless and can just get up and pace around for a while, but other times i try to do that and get really quickly exhausted. i’m definitely more able to have conversations and feel more like myself now though, even when my body is tired out.

i’ve been thirsty as all hell the past few days. i feel like i’m constantly asking my boyfriend to refill my water for me because i drain it so fast. it’s a very specific kind of thirst, too — like it never quite goes away even when i’m definitely very thoroughly hydrated, and like anything but water can’t even touch it. it’s not a bad thing, getting lots of fluids after surgery is important and i wouldn’t be surprised if that’s exactly why my body is doing it, but it is a bit frustrating to just be incessantly thirsty for days at a time.

my walking posture is getting straighter every day. i still have to hold my chest to walk because of the bandage feeling like it drags things down, but if i’m walking with my mastectomy pillow, it mostly just looks like a typical slouch and not the deep hunch i started with.

at this point, my chest is super sensitive to any kind of movement, and that’s the other thing the pillow has been really good for at this stage. if the bandage shifts at all, if my body moves at all, basically anything — i feel it all in my chest really intensely. it’s not always painful, but it isn’t comfortable either. holding the pillow to my chest helps stabilize things so the movement doesn’t reach the sensitive parts as much, which is really great.

walking up stairs is easier than walking down stairs, which is the exact opposite of what i would’ve guessed. from what i can tell just from moving around, i think it’s because bending your legs up to a higher step pretty solidly relies on your legs and lower core muscles to make it happen, while reaching your legs down to a lower step requires stretching your body out (which is famously not your body’s favorite thing to do after top surgery). it often feels like i almost can’t reach the step below and have to just barely catch it with the balls of my feet. it’s also just generally been good to take the stairs super slow going up or down because you really can’t use the railing — putting enough weight on it to really rely on it at all requires using chest muscles, so the best i’ve been able to do is just rest my hand on it in case of emergency (because i’d rather hurt my chest than crack my head open if it comes to that).

one of the things that makes the stairs hard is that my center of balance is off from hunching, and that definitely affects my walking too. it’s less pronounced now that i’m in the habit of using the pillow to walk straighter, but i have to take shorter strides and sort of shuffle around because longer strides need better balance, and even with the shuffle i’m stumbling more than usual. i already have some balance problems so i’m pretty used to the feeling of it, but it has freaked my parents out a couple times to see me start listing to one side before i catch myself.

fuck reflexes. reflexes are the actual worst. something i didn’t anticipate is that no matter how careful you are to not reach your arms too far or move them too fast, you can never totally account for what you do if something starts falling. a few times now, i’ve definitely reached too far or fast before stopping myself because i saw something about to go down and my brain instinctively told my hands to catch it. i’m not sure if there’s anything you can really do about that, but it’s worth being aware of because it caught me by surprise the first time i did it.

one side of my chest has been consistently more swollen than the other. that side has also consistently drained less, and the fluid it does drain is darker and redder. we asked my surgeon if that was normal and she said there’s almost always one side that drains more than the other, but it’s still something we’ve been keeping an eye on. hopefully i’ll be able to get a more concrete answer at my post-op, once she can see the swelling up close and look at the drainage numbers from the past week.

as i’ve been getting some use of my body back, the pain in my chest has gotten a bit more obvious. it’s milder pain, and when i’m not doing anything it’s mostly painless to the point where i’m going a lot longer between tylenol doses, but when i’m using my body, i can definitely feel it. the fact that i’m not avoiding physical activity like the plague as much means i’m noticing more pain even though objectively my pain levels have gone down — the things that hurt now didn’t hurt less before, i just didn’t even attempt them before because i knew they would hurt so much. now that the pain is down, i can try more things, which means i’m more likely to try something that ends up hurting. of course, you should always try to follow the if-it-hurts-then-stop rule, but you can’t avoid the pain altogether as you learn your body’s boundaries, so i ended up getting to a point where getting better feels like getting worse.

on that note, i’ve also learned that there’s a pretty distinct difference between milder “i should proceed with caution” pain and intense “stop what you’re doing right now” pain. as much as avoiding things that hurt is ideal, it’s not always realistic, but my body has definitely been very clear in telling me what i can and can’t compromise on. in the beginning i was really paranoid about doing anything that caused any pain at all, but now i’m more familiar with where i can push a bit further if needed and where i really need to hold off.

i’ve been getting chills much more easily lately, and they’ve also been SUPER strong. i’ll be watching a show or listening to music and something will give me chills, and it’s a really intense feeling all across my ribs, and even thinking about the thing that caused it brings on a whole new wave. i’m super curious to see if it’s just a temporary result of my nerves doing their thing or if it’ll stick around long-term. it’s not unpleasant at all, i honestly really like it.

i got some food for myself for the first time today (day 6) and it just involved slicing some pretty soft cheese, but wow, it was a workout for my shoulder. i’m guessing it’s because i haven’t really used my muscles in that way for a week, and because not being able to use my chest muscles means i was relying on my shoulder a lot more to do all the work of moving my arm. by the time i was done, just holding the block of cheese to put it back in the fridge felt like lifting weights.

i didn’t change my shirt the first few days but i’ve changed a few times now, and we’ve perfected the art of getting a button up shirt on me without overreaching my arms at all. basically, you want to put both arms into the sleeves before you lift the shirt up onto your shoulders, because once the shirt is on one shoulder, you have to reach back a lot farther to get to the other sleeve. once you have both arms in, you can lift it onto your shoulders and button it. ideally, whoever’s helping you should do most of the work to pull the sleeves over your arms so you don’t have to stretch your arm out to get them on. i’m sure that’ll be overkill once i have a bit more mobility, but for now, it works great. it definitely would be tough if the shirt was fitted though, so i’m glad i went up a size.

i hope my posts like this have been helpful, or at least interesting to read! i’ll definitely keep updating as time goes on and things change, and i’m also going to work on a breakdown of my experience at the hospital pre- and post-op, as well as my post-op appointment experience once that happens tomorrow.

y’all are getting the good, the bad, and the ugly of my recovery experience. i know a lot of this has been very focused on the bad and the ugly so far because surgery is generally rough, but i’m going to see my chest again tomorrow so stay tuned for some good!

[sickly-qt]

I'm Okay

Sorry I've been gone, I got hit with a case of The Big Sad.

I'm better now, kinda. But Drew and Finn creeped into my little brain today and wouldn't leave so here you go! The aftermath of this fic. There's no emeto in this one, just fluff.

~~~

Drew was sitting with her knees to her chest, picking at the pilling of Finn’s sweater that was draped over her legs. She was no longer nauseous and some color had returned to her face thanks to some intravenous fluids and antiemetics, but she was exhausted.

She had sent Finn to get her something small to eat now that she felt that she could keep something down, but she also wanted him to be doing something other than sitting and anxiously tapping his foot on the linoleum while they both waited for the doctor. 

“Alright, I have chicken tenders, fries and a mint chocolate chip milkshake.” Finn said, fumbling through the privacy curtain with his hands full of food.

“Thanks,” Drew mumbled, pushing herself up to take the food from Finn. “Did you get anything for yourself?” 

“Uh, no.” He sat down in the plastic chair next to the bed and leaned back, running his hands through his hair, leg right back to bouncing, his heel tapping on the floor. “I’m alright, did the doctor come in at all while I was gone?” 

She opened up the containers the food was in and nudged it toward him then leaned back sipping on her milkshake, “No, a nurse came in and stole some of my blood, but that’s it. I’m not going to eat all of this, you should have some.”

Finn sighed and shook his head, “I’m not hungry, eating would probably just make me sick if I’m being completely honest with you.” He leaned forward with his elbows on his knees, fidgeting with his cuticles, one knee still bouncing.

Drew moved everything to the weird bed table and swung her legs over the edge of the bed, grabbing his hands, noticing the irritation his picking was causing. 

“Stop that,” she kept one hand on his and moved the other to his face, making him look at her, “You okay?”

“Yeah, I just- You scared me. I’ll feel a lot better once we know you’re okay and we’re home.”

“I’m okay, Finn. Look at me, I’m okay. I drank like half of that milkshake and I’m not even nauseous.”

Before Finn had a chance to respond, a tiny Asian woman in scrubs threw the curtain open with a huge smile on her face “Hi, I’m Dr. Lee. I’m going to be talking to you about your baby today, and giving you a quick ultrasound just to make sure everything is in tiptop shape before we get you out of here.” She said, reading through Drew’s charts, “How are we feeling? Are the meds helping?”

“Uh, yeah. I feel a lot better actually.” Drew responded, settling back into the hospital bed. 

“Awesome, great. So obviously morning sickness is very normal, but being sick to the point of passing out due to dehydration is not. It says here on your intake that you’ve been experiencing pretty severe symptoms but this is the first time that it’s gotten this bad?”

Drew nodded, “Yeah, this has never happened before”

“Okay, well judging from your bloodwork you’re at least 9 weeks along which is typically where morning sickness peaks. We’re going to get a look at the baby in a couple to get a better idea of where exactly you’re at but most likely the worst is behind you. I will warn you though that sometimes women experience some kind of morning sickness the entirety of their pregnancy, I unfortunately can’t guarantee that won’t be you… But! we will be getting you set up with some anti-nausea meds and antiemetics to hopefully stop something like this from happening again.” Dr. Lee craned her head around Drew to look at Finn, “You okay over there, Dad?”

He had resumed his position, elbows on knees, picking at his hands, “Huh? Yeah, I’m okay just- listening.”

Drew knew that something more was up but that was something to be unpacked not in the emergency room while she was hooked up to a million machines.

“Okay.” She clapped, “If we’re ready, we’ll get the ultrasound out of the way and then get you out of here.”

Drew wasn’t expecting to feel as odd as she did, when she had to lift her shirt for the doctor to smear a weird jelly on her stomach. She looked over at Finn who must’ve felt her eyes and looked up at her before standing and sitting halfway on the bed next to her, grabbing her hand.

She wasn’t expecting to be scared. She didn’t actually think there was a weird alien inside of her but until now she didn’t have any confirmation that there wasn’t. She was really hoping everything was okay.

Dr. Lee was silent as she moved the wand around Drew’s stomach which only fed Drew’s anxiety. Then just as quickly as the thought entered her mind a smile broke on the doctor’s face.

“There we go.” She turned the screen to face Drew and Finn. “A perfect little baby.” She went on to point out all the little parts of a little person but both Finn and Drew were frozen. Their situation suddenly very real.

“Do you want to hear the heartbeat?” Dr. Lee asked.

Drew opened her mouth to answer but her voice got stuck in her throat.

“Yes. Yeah, we would, please.” Finn said from her side. 

Drew gasped when the doctor turned a small knob in the monitor and a steady beat filled the tiny little alcove that in that moment was just theirs.

“We’re having a baby.” Drew whispered.

“We’re having a baby.” Finn repeated, pressing a kiss into her temple. 

[ollycohens]

Would you take a request where s1 Five accidentally takes one of Klaus' drug chocolates and starts talking about Delores and Klaus takes this opportunity to ask him to describe her because he doesn't know she is a mannequin and Five doesn't tell him that so it's also funny.

I LOVED DOING THIS UGGGHH thank you so much <3 sorry it took me a bit! Had to work and couldn't find time to upload this! I hope you like it anyway!!

Co-uploaded on ao3, go give it some love here too!

It happened on a Tuesday morning, ironically. Five was tired, and anxious, still reeling from returning home after forty-five years. He hadn’t quite gotten over reuniting with his siblings yet. Being with them was awkward to him, but he couldn’t say that he hadn’t missed them dearly. 

He was stuck trying to figure out how to stop the apocalypse all on his own instead of being with his siblings. He wanted to hang out with them, catch up and just finally, finally see the people they’ve truly become. But no, here he was, in his room writing equation after equation on what could cause the apocalypse.

“Darling, please go get water. Take a break.”

Five sighed, looking over at Delores, his fingers fidgeting impatiently with the chalk he clutched in his hand.

“I’m onto something here,” he scribbled some lines next to a few numbers, “Maybe after this.” he added.

His stomach rumbled, and his brows furrowed in anger, only suddenly taking in the fact that he was painfully hungry.

He heard Delores chuckle as he decided to head down to the kitchen, upset mumblings coming from him as he went.

When he arrived in the basement kitchen, he looked around. There wasn’t much down here kitchen-wise. It was a rather small area for him to make something other than a sandwich, more an extra living room than an area for food— nonetheless, he decided on a flutternutter.

He opened the fridge, grabbing the peanut butter. He went to close it when he caught whiff of a chocolate scent. He looked down at the full tray of brownies taking up the bottom shelf. Not quite caring whose it was, he grabbed one, letting himself indulge in it before he made an actual meal. 

It tasted normal, if not quite bland and lacking in flavor, but he didn’t care, sweets were sweets.

He finished making his sandwich, deciding to eat it at the table instead of his room. Of course, he still grabbed a notebook and continued his equations while he ate.

Afterall, the apocalypse waited for no one.

Knitting was a chore, Klaus thought. As much as he loved knitting, he often found himself getting tired and antsy after an hour or two of doing it.

“I’m hungry, Ben.” he whined, looking over his shoulder to find that nobody was there. “Oh, you little shit!”

He supposed if he was bored, Ben probably was too. He had no right to tell Ben if he could leave or not, but he was still quite petty about it. Who was to entertain him during these hard and trying times?

A picture of drugs came to mind. “No Benjamin to tell me anything. I deserve good things too!” he talked to himself as he hobbled down the stairs to the kitchen.

He spotted Five at the end of the table, mumbling. “Hey, sport,” he grinned to himself at the name, “Watcha’ doing?”

No response.

“Five?” 

Still nothing. Klaus strolled over to Five, watching him write in his notebook. “Is that what the math you do looks like? It makes me nauseous looking at it!” He joked. Concern tightened at his chest as he studied the writing. It didn’t even look coherent. He’s peeked into Five’s room before, and the math on his wall looked nothing like this.

This notebook just looked like scribbles.

“Heyyy, why don’t we put this down for a little, yeah?” Klaus cautiously grabbed the boy’s pencil, placing it away from him. Klaus sat in the seat next to him, putting his head on the table to look at the boy’s face.

Five looked over at him, a pouting look on his face as his lips thinned slightly. Klaus would’ve missed the tears stuck on his eyelashes had it not been for the way the light hit them. 

His heart pummeled to his stomach, “Five… What’s wrong?” He’d never seen Five cry before. Never in his thirty-four years of life. It was strange, wrong, and most of all, heartbreaking. 

When you see someone, you’ve never seen cry before, it seriously hits you hard— and it was definitely hitting Klaus. He felt horrible. Five also looked like a little boy, so it was especially upsetting. 

“I don’t know.” Five whined, which was weird enough as it was. “I don’t feel great, Klaus.” 

Alarm bells rang in Klaus’s head. He noticed things about Five’s demeaner that he hadn’t earlier. He was twitchy, kind of sluggish, but his shoulders were hunched, like they were trying to cover his ears. His eyes were also bloodshot, and his pupils were large, although he didn’t know if that was Five’s normal pupil size, he never really looked at them that long.

With these things in mind, Klaus got up from his seat and opened the fridge. A brownie was missing. His marijuana brownies. “Nooo, Five. Did you have one of my thingies?” He urgently pointed at the tray, to which Five nodded.

A few emotions flittered across the boy's face as he ultimately ignored Klaus’s concern and focused back onto his notebook— anger, confusion, and then fatigue. “I need her here.”

Klaus felt himself growing protective, like he suddenly became a father to a child. He could feel this caring nature take over him just by watching the tears in Five’s eyes, and listening to the way his voice broke.

“Hm? What do you mean, bud?” 

“Delores?” He said it like Klaus was supposed to know who he was talking about. He racked his mind for people that Five may know. Someone named Delores. 

A memory popped into his head, the time at the prosthetics lab where he pretended to be Five’s dad. He had mentioned someone he was with for thirty years during the apocalypse, but he wasn’t sure if it was this woman the spoke of. 

“Is she the one you were with? During the uh…” he unhelpfully waved his hands around. 

“Mmhm. Yeah, her.” Five didn’t seem to notice the tears in his eyes. They still hadn’t rolled down his cheeks, so he didn’t look wrecked just yet. Klaus sat next to him again, cringing as he carefully wiped Five’s tears with his thumb.

“Do you miss her?” Klaus studied the way Five’s eyes flickered around, chasing something Klaus couldn’t see. Common side effects of marijuana, he reminded himself.

“I do. She helped me with everything. I need her right now. I can’t do this without her…” his voice got higher in pitch the more he spoke, his throat trying to give out from the emotions.

“Hey, hey! It’s okay! You’ve been doing great on your own, old man! I can help! Maybe.”

“I know, but I need her help with this— this stuff. She always corrects me if I’m wrong.” Five looked down at his notebook, a stray tear falling onto the page. “Eugh— hey, look at me Five. You’ll be mad later if you get your notebook soggy with tears.” Five glanced at him, his eyes big and shiny. The definition of a puppy. 

His heart broke a little more.

“let’s go to the couch, okay? Tell me about her.” Klaus helped Five to the couch, letting him fall onto the uncomfortable cushions. “What does she look like, hm?” 

“She’s pretty. Always telling me to do things for myself.” the boy smiled, “She’d make me drink water when I forgot, or go to sleep when it gets late, and she’d help me think when I couldn’t.”

“Yeah? How’d you guys meet?” Klaus had questions, and an opportunity to ask them. He understood he was taking advantage of Five, but he could also argue that the kid needed to get her off his chest.

“I found her in the rubble. Her hand was sticking out. I remember it, her skin was clean, and I could still see the color of her skin, unlike every other body I’d found,” he stared into space, lost in his memories, “All torn up, and covered in ash. Everyone I found was gray, down to the clothing and the eyes— It got in their eyes somehow. I don’t even know if it was ash or smoke or—”

“Five.” Klaus interrupted, fighting the way his own eyes burnt with forming tears. He couldn’t stop thinking about the things Five had gone through. All of this and Delores too. Thirty years together just for her to die. He didn’t even know if she died, but either way, Five didn’t bring her back with him. 

“We don’t have to talk about this.”

“I want to.”

They stared at each other, doubt filling the face of one, and confidence but also undermined fear in the other. “Delores was blonde. Her hair was wavy and stopped at her shoulders. She always wears this one blouse, blue and white. The dots were blue, it was a nice texture blouse, thin, but kind of scratchy. She always wears these fun-colored blouses. I’m always the one getting them for her though.”

Klaus nodded, resting his elbow on the back of the couch, confused by the way Five kept switching between talking about her in present and past tense. “Was she not able to get them herself?”

“She couldn’t move.”

Klaus’s head started to hurt a little. He voiced out his confusion.

“She doesn’t have legs. Couldn’t move even if she did have them, though.”

Klaus was incredibly confused. Did Delores have some kind of disorder that debilitated her movement? Did she lose her legs in the apocalypse? How did she survive that? Did she survive that?

“Why not...?”

Five stared at him, irritation starting to cloud in his eyes, before it was replaced with a pleading look, “Can you go get her for me? Please.” 

“Five, bud, I can’t. She’s not with us anymore.” Yikes. Klaus was just assuming she died at this point, he supposed. He shouldn’t have said that. Guilt started to eat at him as he scrunched his face, ready to apologize, or be on the end of some brutal vicious attack from a thirteen-year-old shaped senior citizen. 

Now it was Five’s turn to be confused, it seemed. 

Before the two could continue chatting, the floor of the kitchen creaked. Looking over, Klaus made eye contact with Diego and Luther. The two paused, faces furrowing, cautiously taking in Five’s appearance and Klaus’s sympathetic look. 

“Oh, thank God! Please help.” he hoped he wouldn’t get brutally smashed into a wall for admitting the truth, “He ate my weed brownies!” He brought his hands to his head, aimlessly waving them around. 

“What!?” Luther ran over, Diego cackling as he too made his way to the couch. “Dude, are you serious?” Diego couldn’t help the way his eyes watered from his own grin, clearly finding humor in this.

“Hi, Diego.” Five smiled as he ignored Luther’s attempts to talk to him. 

Klaus could tell by the way Diego’s face dropped that he also felt that caring nature begin to form. It was contagious, apparently. “Hey, man.” Diego was awkward anyway, all things considered.

Klaus knew that he should do the right thing and get Five checked out by Mom now that there were more people here to play sensible adult, but he still had questions, and a serious lack of answers.

He at the least wished to know what happened to this mystery woman. He looked at the other two men.

“Hey guys, who’s Delores?” He whispered to them, trying to lighten his face to make the situation seem lighter than it previously was. He still felt pitiful and upset from the conversation he had with Five. 

Everything was quiet for a minute.

Diego itched at his forehead, “Five’s wife, I guess.”

Klaus gaped, “He told you about her?” 

“We met her.” Luther raised his eyebrows, thinning his lips in a slightly concerned smile.

Klaus’s mouth fell open just as much as it still could. “Isn’t she…? Y’know?”

“A mannequin? Yeah, I know. Weird shit.”

Wait, what? Klaus seriously needed to get high as of right now. Were they talking about the same people? 

“No, no, he met her in the apocalypse, they were in love!” Klaus watched Five giggle at that.

“Yeah. A mannequin, man. That he found in the apocalypse.” Diego shook his head a little, not wanting to have to think about such a topic. He too, found it extremely worrying if he dived into the subject.

Klaus had no clue what to say. He found it kind of humorous and relieving that Five never actually had to deal with the death of his only companion, but also extremely concerning that his companion was a mannequin. A mannequin! There must’ve been a lot of miscommunications going around this morning.

Not only that, but looking back, Klaus realized that Five spoke of her as if she were a real person. That was concerning.

“I just wanted her help with equations.” Five huffed, eyes un-focusing as he shut them, exhaustion taking over. 

“Oh. Oh, what the shit!" He nervously giggled, "I feel betrayed. I felt bad for you Five!” Klaus was practically speaking to a brick wall now. Five was down for the count.

“Let’s get him to Mom.” Luther picked the boy up, the others following behind.

Later that day, Klaus found himself in Five’s room, feeling embarrassed as he stared at Delores. The mannequin. Ben laughed at him for days after the incident, and Five never brought it back up, other than yelling at Klaus for almost being the one to cause the apocalypse due to the brownies taking away an entire day he could’ve used to work. 

All in all, Klaus learnt that this family needed serious counseling, and much better communication skills.

Worst of all, and despite everything, Klaus also learnt that Five's relationship with Delores was probably the healthiest relationship that's occurred in their family, mannequin or not, and that was saying something.

[kickthecan-revolution]

I decided to walk the hour and 20m to my radiation consult - this is the first appointment where they do a bunch of scans and tattoo where the lasers go. The walk ended up only taking about an hour or so, it brought me through downtown SF (the TC Disrupt conference reminds me of the show Silicon Valley). After that, the Tenderloin, a spot in San Francisco that makes the news a lot for the unhoused residents and drug use. I’m not scared by any of that - I find it kind of fascinating to look people in their eyes and the stories their faces tell, sometimes it’s terribly sad- sometimes dark and sinister, and sometimes just your average person walking down the street. I also love the art in the neighborhood and all of the support, I walked by two volunteer efforts to ensure those who live there have resources they need. Sometimes it shocks me how people just stay alive for so long after so much trauma and abuse - what resiliency.

These driverless Waymo cars are such a thing in this city now. I’ve yet to take one but might try soon.

I loved walking by the theater Great American Music Hall where BND took me to hear Mark Kozelek for the first time. And how cool are the street signs as you get closer to a larger Asian neighborhood.

I arrived and screwed up the COVID protocol I was supposed to follow, when I got there, the nurse gave me directions while I had COVID and I totally misunderstood, so the techs were irritated. And I get it, they are dealing with very fragile people in the waiting room. So they set the room up with this massive ventilator and masked up pretty intensely while I profusely apologized for the hassle I caused.

I laid down and they said I was going to have to hold my breath for 20 seconds. For some reason, this panicked me, I still cough when I take a deep breath and I wasn’t sure if I could do it. They got me arranged and I had this MRI flashback and just suddenly burst into tears. I’ve no idea where it came from but I couldn’t stop, apologizing again. They were so kind and just reassured me that this is a lot. I appreciated their kindness.

We got started and my back started spasming in the machine a little bit but I was able to still hold still. I just kept my eyes closed the whole time and they helped me practice the breathing, and I did fine. We ended it and the technician who was initially annoyed walked me out and through the whole process - where I check in next time and even what color gown would be best for me. He said they are taking extra precautions with COVID because it’s taking people so long to recover from it, which made me feel better. He gave my arm a little pat and I thanked him again for how nice he was.

I went to the lobby and just started shaking. I sent a voice memo to my sister who already had an intense appointment with her oncologist today (it was positive but hard for her to take in). I felt nauseous and shaky and all of the sudden, really cold and hungry so I called an Uber and while I waited, ordered some pasta I knew would be home when I got there. I love Door Dash so much. I crawled under the covers and ate a little, and now I’m feeling a little more centered. I really want to nap but I’m going to try to stay up so I can sleep well tonight.

I’ll be finished with the radiation on December 03. My current plan is to walk there for exercise, and then Lyft home or maybe even walk home, we’ll see. The weather is getting colder but my intuition is telling me I need to start exercising for my mental health and overall wellbeing, so that’s the plan. I start next Monday, how wild. The appointments are 15m long vs an hour so I’ll be in and out. I hope it goes by quickly.

I’ve been meditating a lot on strength just finding us when we need it, and my friend Ashley sent me this today. It hung on the office wall of her radiation lobby. The Universe is in front of me, behind me, to my left and to my right. I’m held in Love. I can do this.

[drinkingplainblacktea]

How do you guys hide it from your friends and family? Today at lunch I planned on eating half a slider patty but my best freind goes:

“Is that all your eating?” And I was like yes and she said something along the lines of

“Eat my apple” and I was like no I don’t want to I’m not hungry

And then she said I sound exactly like her anorexic sister.

So then I ate the whole Pattie and some puff corn from my backpack cause she was getting to sus.

Now I feel disgusting and like I wanna throw up. I don’t purge and don’t plan on it but I’m just nauseous. I also feel really warm especially in my feet

[osirian-rises]

Jerome Centric House of Anubis Chapter One

AN: No, you aren't going nuts, I have posted a chapter of the same name before, but that's now long in the past! I've decided to go a different route with the book, so this is the new first chapter, which will start when JEROME first went to Anubis House, not Nina. In addition, the book will be Jerome centered, but will also focus on the other students (I have to think of a snappier name for the title lol). Technically the main characters will be Jerome, Nina, and Fabian. Also MASSIVELY important is that this is not entirely canon compliant! There will be a lot of changes, such as Jerome being the Osirian, this is not just going to be a retelling of the same story from Jerome's POV. Enjoy!

Jerome had never been on a train alone before. He wasn’t exactly alone, there was a stewardess sitting across from him, who only left to make a few announcements and serve everyone food and drinks. He had a cup of hot chocolate in front of him, steam still rising over the edge of the mug. Trees and towns passed by in a blur, Jerome watching curiously as the train disappeared into a tunnel.

“Is this your first time on a train?” The stewardess asked as he took a sip of the hot chocolate.

“No.” Jerome reached his hand into the backpack sitting beside him, feeling the soft yet tattered fur of his stuffed tiger. He held it’s hand, his arm still in his backpack and the tiger out of sight. “It’s my first time alone. I aged out of my old boarding school. My mom said I was old enough to go to the new one alone.”

“Strange.” The stewardess commented, then blushed slightly. “Sorry. Bad habit. That’s none of my business.”

“It’s okay.” Jerome shrugged. He let go of his tiger and zipped his bag back up. The stewardess stood and moved over to the bar cart.

“I’ll be right back. Do you want a sandwich?”

He shook his head and watched her walk down the aisle for a moment. He’d been on the train for hours. He was admittedly hungry, but he didn’t want to eat. He felt nauseous, the hot cocoa sloshing around in his stomach and making him all the more queasy. Bad idea to eat or drink anything when he was this nervous. He stood and found the bathroom the stewardess had shown him when she’d been assigned to look over him during his trip. He went to the bathroom, and washed his hands, making a bit of a mess as some of the soap missed his hand, splattering onto the floor.

His hair was a fluffy mess, as he surveyed himself in the mirror, and there were barely noticeable bags under his eyes from his lack of sleep. He was too nervous to sleep the night before, and his three roommates at his old school had caused a ruckus all night, knowing that they were going home or to some new school, and the teachers didn’t really care to punish them. He hadn’t told any of them where he was going, while they planned to write each other and text. He didn’t have a phone to text on, and didn’t know what the address of his new dorm would be.

He didn’t really know if they’d want to keep in touch anyways. They were friends, but the kind of friends that little kids sharing a room were. Jack was more friends with Garrison, and Henry was closer with some of the boys from the room next to theirs. Jerome doubted they’d ever see each other again, not wherever they were going. Better to lose contact fast than bother writing letters to boys he’d presumably forget the names of when he grew up.

“Oh, there you are.” The stewardess said as he came out and sat back down. His hands were still wet. The hot chocolate in the cup was starting to look more like sludge. “So, what year are you going into?”

“Six. I’m ten.” Jerome answered. “My old boarding school only went up to year five.”

“I graduated a few years ago, started working here right after that. I want to be a stewardess for an airline someday.”

“Cool.” Jerome said a bit mutely as the train began to slow, the loud whistle sounding again. The stewardess stood, grabbing one of the packed sandwiches of her cart and handing it to him. Jerome pulled on his backpack, grabbing his suitcase as he stood up. He looked at the sandwich bag. The wrapper said it was ham with colby jack cheese.

“Here. You can have that. Come on, this is your stop.” She held out her hand, but Jerome didn’t take it, following her to the exit and getting out. “All right, lets find your taxi.” She said as she took him through the busy station. His suitcase bumped into the back of his knees a few times. “It’s Clarke, isn’t it?”

“Yeah.” He nodded, surveying the few black taxis waiting for people outside.

“Taxi for Clarke?” The stewardess began to ask, repeating it as she walked to each one. “Taxi for Clarke?”

“Jerome Clarke?” On of the drivers finally repeated. She looked back at him and he nodded, coming a little closer. The driver took his bag and popped the trunk to put it inside.

“Do you have your folder?” She asked. “Get it out your bag. The driver knows where you’re going.” She turned to him for a brief moment to repeat that he was an unsupervised child, then turned back to Jerome. “Alright, you should be all set, okay? Hope you have fun at your school kid, I have to get back to the train.”

“...Bye.” Jerome said reluctantly. She turned and left, the taxi driver opening the back door for him.

They drove in complete silence, Jerome holding his folder against his chest, his backpack down by his feet. The driver didn’t bother to ask any questions like the stewardess had, or make any conversation until they were pulling up to the school.

“You need to be with the orientation groups, yes?” He confirmed. “That’s over by the main school, where all the kids are.”

“Okay.” Jerome said flatly, reaching into his pocket for the envelope his mother had given him to pay the driver. It had felt strange to be home with his mother. He hadn’t seen her in a long time, not since he’d left to go to the full time boarding school. Poppy had clung to his legs like a koala bear to a tree the whole time, acting like she’d never seen her brother before. He supposed it had been a while since they’d been living together like normal siblings. He didn’t even have a room really at home, it was more of a guest room. “Here.”

The man took it without a word and he got out, getting his suitcase and reluctantly walking over to the big group of kids.

“Quiet please!” An older man with slightly greying hair and a bowtie on called into the crowd, holding up a hand. “Hello all new students and welcome to Amun academy! In just a moment I will be splitting you into groups of three, to go to your houses, but first I wanted to give you all a personal welcome, and tell you that we are happy to have you here, joining our ranks as the newest students. I am Mr. Sweet, your principal, and I will also be teaching the science class for the older students.”

Jerome shifted side to side, looking away from Mr. Sweet to the older students walking to their houses and chatting excitedly to their friends. He watched as a boy picked up a girl and flung her over his shoulder, spinning her around while she laughed.

“-right those are the students for the house of Ra, now for Thoth! Hailey Buemont, Jessica-”

Jerome looked back over at Mr. Sweet, noticing now that the kids were getting into groups. One group was already together, all talking together and introducing themselves, while another was beginning to form as the students’ names were called. Jerome listened as the second group was finished, and Mr. Sweet moved onto the house of Bastet.

His name still wasn’t called. He must be in Ra house then, must have missed his name when he was distracted.

He took a single step towards their group, and Mr. Sweet zeroed in on him. “And are you Jerome Clarke?”

He looked at him nervously, all of the students staring at him now. “Yeah.” Mr. Sweet beckoned him up, Jerome trudging his shoes through the grass as he slowly made his way over. “...Yeah?” He repeated.

“Right, Jerome Clarke.” Mr. Sweet looked as uncomfortable as Jerome felt. “Unfortunately Jerome, boarding is usually only for students in year seven and above, and all underclassmen are day students. Normally a student will be assigned a house, and they will stay there for the remainder of the school years.”

“I know how boarding schools work.” Jerome said bluntly, his hands shaking at his sides. What had his mother done, why had she sent him to a boarding school that didn’t board kids his age?

“Right, so we’ve decided that instead of placing you with a group of our seventh years, we’ll place you in one of the houses with our oldest students.” Mr. Sweet said. “That way you won’t be younger than everyone, and the oldest for your last year. Instead you will be in Anubis house, and when the older students have graduated and new students come next year, you’ll all be the same age. Is that…alright, Mr. Clarke?”

He sounded very worried Jerome would be stupid enough to believe that was actually a question he could have an opinion on. “Sure. Okay.”

Mr. Sweet let out a small sigh of relief. “Excellent! Pleasure to see you then Jerome, I will leave you with Mr. Rodenmaar, he will take you to the house.”

Jerome only then realized there was another man standing slightly behind him, jumping as he took a step away.

“Follow me Mr. Clarke.” Mr. Rodenmaar demanded as he walked with purpose towards the dormitory buildings. “I will give you a tour of Anubis house and introduce you to the house mother, Mrs. Trudy Rehmaan, who will show you your room.”

Anubis house loomed over Jerome. He heard a faint, hissed sound, almost like a whispering, as Victor pulled open the front door. The man  immediately set into a boring monologue about the house's history, and the long list of rules. Jerome tuned it all out.

His eyes wandered to different things around the house as Mr. Rodenmaar lead him through. The crocodile in the living room, the grandfather clock in the hall, the ugly mosaic hanging on the wall. Trudy had joined them with comments of Victor “boring the poor boy to death”, showing Jerome the room he'd be sleeping in. It was clear which bed was his, compared to the fully decorated sides of the room, proudly displaying personality and style. Jerome's bed was awkwardly crammed into a corner of the room. The mattress was mostly bare, with a single white sheet covering it, and the floor was covered in his trunks.

“I'll leave you to unpack.” Trudy said, patting Jerome's shoulder as she left.

“Supper will be served at the school dining hall.” Victor said, pointing his watch fob at Jerome's chest. “I've heard about you, boy. Break any of the rules and there will be consequences, is that understood?”

“...Yeah.” Jerome said reluctantly. Victor left him without another word, and Jerome unpacked his things in silence. The door slammed open as he was putting away his pants and two boys ran in, both fighting over a phone.

“Don’t you dare-don’t you dare!” The boy chasing the other laughed, tackling him to a bed. “Brandon give it back or I swear-”

They both stopped when they noticed Jerome, the boy snatching the phone out of Brandon’s hand as he was distracted.

“So. You’re the pipsqueak.” Brandon said decidedly.

Jerome flushed. “I’m not a pipsqueak. I’m ten.”

“Shortstack then.” The other laughed. “Jerry, right?”

“Jerome.” Jerome corrected in a mumble. The boys ignored him after that, chatting loudly to each other about their summer vacations while Jerome finished unpacking. He hid his backpack under his bed, shooting one last look at the boys as he silently left the room and went into the living room. Three girls were sitting crowded around each other on the couch, watching and giggling as he sat in one of the armchairs, trying his best not to look out of place.

“God you’re so little.” One of the girls said in a fake nice voice, twirling a light blue streak of hair around her finger. The other girls nudged her through their quiet tittered laughs. “Are you sure you aren’t in year four? Or two?” She laughed at that, Jerome’s blush reaching the tips of his ears.

“No, I’m in year six.” He muttered.

“I’m Isabella.” One of the other girls said, tilting her head towards the girl who’d made fun of him. “That’s Zoe, and this is Esperanza.”

“Gosh you really are small.” Esperanza commented. “No way we were ever that small. Can you even reach the top cabinet in a kitchen?”

“Of course I can.” He said defensively. Reaching the top shelf of a cabinet? That was another story. Zoe studied him for a moment, then tugged on Esperanza’s sleeve.

“Well, we better be going.” She said with feigned nonchalance. “Lots to do before school starts tomorrow.” The girls all stood and left, Trudy walking in with a bouquet of flowers.

“Look what I bought for the house!” She said cheerily as she moved to set them in a vase. “That’s much better. Do you know your way to the dining hall lovie? It’s almost supper time.” Jerome shook his head, and she held out a hand. “I’ll walk you down then. Come on.”

Jerome looked towards the stairs, making sure the girls had definitely made it up to their rooms, then took her hand as she led him outside.

Words: 2,250

[pumpkinsy0]

Ahaha guess who isn’t coping well rn? Me!

Context: today my period came and now I feel all nauseous and sad. But I solider on and went to do some shopping for some food. Issue? my dad also had like a bad day cause of his meeting. So when he found out I didn’t get his like alcohol he got mad. Not like SUPER mad more like passive aggressive mad??

I feel TERRIBLE because I made his day worse. But I’m also just sad right now. I love my dad so much but I feel like sometimes he just CAN’T be there for me. I can’t always ask for loving because he’ll think I’m being weird or needy. Or when I have a bad day, he’s also having a bad day. So I need to suck it up and act fine cause HE needs to let his feelings out. And I just- I just want my dad. I want him to hug him, I want to not have to earn his love, I just— I want him to stop being angry.

SORRY!! I’m venting majorly hard rn and that’s silly and stupid. But I was hoping you could do HC’s of this for one of the Curtis Gang Members. Maybe how that character would handle this. Maybe they’ll have better luck then me.

hey anon!!! im sorry to hear what ur goin through, u dont deserve it, so dont beat urself up!!! ur living ur own life and u shouldnt feel ashamed that u couldnt help someone else live theirs, plus bad day or not, no matter what it doesnt give someone the right to treat u poorly, its not ur fault!!! not even in the slightest!!!! ur sick on too of that, if ur dad cant show some compassion for that, hes the problem

BUT ITS OK!! its not silly or stupid, ur perfectly fine!!!

w all that said letsssss go w fem two bit w her dad here!! (yes this is genderswapped, but lets just say for this sake, twos dad and mom r the same and didnt swap genders)

•two loves her dad, which she knows is pretty odd considering hes one of the biggest con man she knows and even cons her sometimes but she just cannot help it no matter how many times shes mad at him

•two constantly feels like she needs to prove herself to him in order to get him to say “atta girl”, and in a twisted way, she really does but not really???

•two dad doesnt love her completely, but he does love her to a certain extent, he mostly loves what he can do FOR him and to a smaller extent loves her for her, thats guaranteed

•ANYWAYS, two’s sick and her dad got back home from this one con he tried doing that absolutely fucking busted, he got home and he was already annoyed, anything could set him off

•now he had this other thing planned, what was it??? till this day two doesnt know, BUT he told her to steal something for him, only problem is, she didnt get the right one, and she thought he would at least commend her for getting it, bc it was no easy feat, but she showed it to him, and he didnt go off on her, but she did see a look of disappointment and anger before he up and left to go to the couch, which made her feel worse

•for a good while, when he saw her around the house, he would make a comment about something she did, and it got to a point where two just couldnt take it and locked herself in her room till her mom came home late at night from work, just to avoid seeing him

•two mom HATES them hanging out the way they do and can always tell when something happened so when she sees twos dad at the table drinking and grumbling and twos door locked, she knows whats up and tries comforting two but it doesnt work, twos just beating herself up, so twos mom goes to her dad

•all two heard was yelling, it wasnt for long, maybe for 10 mins, but she ended up going to sleep to escape, she was just tired, hungry, and thirsty

•next day, he dad took her out, but it was so weird, bc its one of the only times hes seen him be hesitant near her, well with anyone really

•he drove her around town for a bit trying to make conversation, but failing miserably, and two knew he was trying to apologize, horrendously and in his own way, but he was trying, and to her that felt like enough, felt like a lot actually

[dumb-doll-lips]

Wait am I maybe getting sick? It’d explain somethings. I just like I had some allergies. But sick would explain the sleepy more, and like I had a tiny lunch today bc when I’m stressed I’ll be so tense having much food in me makes me feel sick. But I’ve been like sitting here slacking at work and just keep feeling more nauseous. But that could also be that I’m not good at feeding and watering myself in general (like am i hungry?) or still cause of stress.

I soo wish it was easier for me to understand what different body feelings mean.

arw other people good at that, or so i like get to pretend its a cute dumb thing? lol

[fanby-fckry]

Content Warning: medical/hospitals, emeto; if you’re at risk for sympathy nausea, don’t read this.

TLDR: Message replies may be slow due to Symptoms™️. I am safe, just straight up not having a good time right now.

…

My prescriber said that the nausea from the withdrawals would go away almost as soon as I started taking my meds again. Specifically that it was one med in particular, and there’d be a “noticeable difference,” as soon as I took it.

But uhh… I’m not feeling it.

And this provider is new + we didn’t have time to go over a lot of details of my medical history because I was trying to explain the situation with my meds while having no coherent thoughts and a fuckton of anxiety and nausea, so I don’t think she knows that I have an additional physical condition that just… causes extreme nausea from time to time? And often gets set off by nausea from unrelated conditions?

Like, if I get the flu, there’s a good chance I’ll wind up in the hospital on an IV because it set off the other condition and I’ll so nauseous that I can’t even keep fluids down.

It happened multiple times as a preteen and teen and once as an adult. I’ve mostly got a handle on it now; I know ways to manage my symptoms before they start the Endless Cycle of Nausea, but there’s a point where those methods fall short. And I’m scared this might be it.

It doesn’t help that I’m getting emotional over other shit and there’s an emotional component to things. Underlying chronic illness + physical illness, withdrawals, and/or stress -> nausea -> anxiety/stress about symptoms -> increased nausea -> vomiting -> dehydration -> increased nausea -> repeat until hospital.

I’m trying my usual methods – the ginger chews and crackers and breathing exercises and keeping myself hydrated and eating when I’m hungry, eating slowly, avoiding irritants…

Oh fuck I just remembered, I let my dumb withdrawal cravings trick me into eating pickles earlier today because I was feeling better. Past me is a dumbass, vinegar is an irritant. Fuck.

I’d make a joke about shaking past me by the shoulders, but that sounds like a great way to make the nausea worse and I don’t wanna jinx myself lol.

Uhhh so yeah that’s what’s up with me. If I have delayed replies to messages, it means I got motion sick scrolling. Because that’s a thing my brain has decided makes me nauseous. Also, probably gonna avoid scrolling the dash for a while for that same reason, and also some gifs can set it off as well. Shaky camera, 1st person POV, stuff like that. And idk if people tag that/what they tag it for, so there’s not a good way to avoid it.

[edgarrallannhoe]

7-08-024 man, i fucked up.

today,tomorrow,to…

Ive been vomiting for the past 24+ hours now. i like to say “hahah i’m vomiting SO MUCH but idk why..” i know why. Rome makes me sick, rome makes me want to relapse, rome allows me to relapse. I know it’s no rome’s fault here, i wish it was. I wish all of this was anyone else fault but mine, but here we are, with all the faults in the world i guess.

i have to say tho, among all of the european capitals, rome is the least chic one by a mile.

Yesterday a bought me some Ketamine. I have a complicated relationship with K since the first time i tried it almost twelve-thirteen years ago and not knowing how to use it i just decided to open the bag and snort the whole thing in one line. Bad idea, i spent the night hugging the service toilet at my highschool with a friend making fun of me during the whole thing. Then after that day, i snubbed it at practically every occasion i had, i just wasn’t interested in that devilish thing again, and now, since a few years i’m again at it. I don’t want to talk about this tho, kinda boring, kinda useless.

8-08-024 somebody save me from myself

the purge

i tried to force myself to post, but i started writing then said “fuck it, why should anybody care?” then said “BuT IM DoInG tHIs FoR MySeLf sO whY dOeS it maTTeR if people enjoy it?” and then again “i’m lying as usual, few are the things i do where i’m not concerned about how i will be perceived, social media isn’t one of them.” so i’m here now, less whiny than the other day, but more sick.

I keep vomiting, crying, then trying to drink lil sips of water then vomiting again the same water i just drank. Atp this night i felt like a dry prune, without water, without anything substantial in me, wrinkled and all, i was literally crying hugging my garbage bin: i want to note that the garbage bin is literally kinda a wicker basket, so lot of holes and whatnot. I said to my dad, that because of my “puking problem” maybe we should pick a new one that doesn’t make everything messier every time this happens, and he bought another bin…. a DRILLED metallic one, so now i have a little drilled bin inside a wicker basket, a nightmare every time, now i have to also clean them after i’m finished!

i don’t think i have an ED, or at least not in the way it is usually explained. Ive always been skinny and kinda minature, and always ate whatever, but i have to admit that while once i believed ( and sometimes said myself ) the whole “i eat whatever and whenever and i stay sKiNNnYyYyYy” , i know understand this whole thing better. While i have a fast metabolism and a skinny/petite corporature, and it’s true that sometimes i eat McDonald’s four days in a row, i don’t put weight on cause i eat nothing during the whole day tho. like, i wake up and drink latte macchiato ( idk outside Italy what Latte Macchiato is, here is just like 1/4 coffee and 3/4 milk with maybe a lil sugar ), then mid morning i drink Latte macchiato, then i skip lunch, then in the afternoon you guess it! Latte macchiato! ( if it’s summer sometimes it gets changed with a cold Cola in the glass bottle, love it ), and THEN i eat McDonald’s. But if you consider the fact that i’m pretty active as a person , always moving even if i’m home in bed, and that i only drink coffee and milk the whole day, it’s not weird not gaining weight if you have a crispy mcBacon for dinner 4 nights straight.

So yeah, i think that whole “eat a lot don’t put on weight” it’s a little bit of a fairytale, but i’m sure that there is always a girl swearing that for them is exactly like that. Good for you Veronica.

Sometimes is also happens, that because i don’t really eat during the day, i end up having less hunger than if i ate ( i always ate slay✨), and then the hunger makes me nauseous, so then i vomit but i vomit absolutely nothing but slimish green bile, and then i am even more “hungry”- the problem is that i’m not, even when i am atp, i’m not hungry, i feel nauseous and i know that it’s because i need to eat, but i would rather not- it becomes a cycle, and every time is exhausting, this night i felt like i just wanted to die. I just wanted to be put off of this misery. Now it’s kinda better, kinda, rn here is 12AM, i woke up at three AM to, you guess it, vomit and it went on until almost two hours ago, i feel like shit.

I bought a watermelon at the store/supermarket, there is a real market near the store with better watermelons but i don’t want to enter that lively place, vade retro lol, so i’m okay with a watery and less red watermelon. i’m now eating in very small bites a small pizza no topping and all, but i’m far from feeling fine.

ok ill stop writing for now, IM DYIIIIING- i wish i was - aaaaaaaaaghhh somebody save me fucking please

xx emma