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kaszuma · 5 months ago

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Mockery | Hoshina Soshiro

Part 0 of “Certainly Yours”

pairing: Hoshina Soshiro x fem!reader

summary: Mina Ashiro needed a team. But the moment she found one, she was at a loss at what to do when her Vice Captain and Lead Technician got off on the wrong foot.

warnings: Slight Kn8 B-side Manga Spoilers, Mentions of Soshiro struggling with self-worth, Mentions of slight animosity between you and Soshiro but nothing too major, First-time meeting, Mentions very few graphic depictions of slaying Kaiju.

wc: 9,712

–

note: Hello! Sorry for the long wait.

I originally planned to write Part 7 first. but decided to write Part 0 as a special chapter since I've hit a hundred followers. But by the time I finished, we hit 150. Thank you lots!!

There is less romance on this one, since it's a prequel to Part 1 of Certainly Yours. I originally wanted to incorporate a rivalry or an initial animosity between reader and Soshiro. So this was my best attempt on the subject.

There is a lot more interaction and inner pining because it's still in the initial stages in the relationship. And I had a difficult time cross referencing B-side manga with the things I've already written thus far. I’m disappointed we don't really have much information on Soichiro. And I have big plans to incorporate him in a separate part in much more excruciating detail later down the line. Involving jealousy..

Anyways. For now, I shall write Part 7 and give ya'll the comfort you need. Might be the big I love you's, you're looking for. Wink wink.

Also, please tell me if I missed any warnings. None of these are proof read and my phone lags really bad when I post 9k words worth of fanfiction.

–

The feeling of being needed was a foreign concept that Soshiro Hoshina had never experienced for himself.

The road that he paved himself had always been a lonesome one. Carved by the very callouses of his own fingertips. Where he'd dive headfirst into the nose of a cliff filled with criticisms and comparisons. The world familiar to him had always been accompanied by a sense of mockery for his craft. A sneaky way to bury his existence in the wake of the world that had been full of firearms and expert Kaiju exterminators.

In the face of it all, he had always been frustratingly average.

Not nearly as bright as the way his older brother had burned for the adrenaline of the battlefield. The use of firearms, specialized tools and weaponry that had been modernized to slay larger than life Kaiju. Had always been stacked against him. Someone who was not born with the innate ability to tackle such large threats. His use had been chained to the blade. One so sharp and pristined to the point of no return.

For as long as he remembered, it had always been like this.

Even before he had joined the Defense Force of his own volition. He had always felt inferior in the way his brother Soichiro had bested him in every sense of the word. A genius incarnation that had rarely been born into the Hoshina family's already impressive lineage. In a family who prided themselves as generational Kaiju-slayers.

By all means, Soichiro Hoshina was the perfect man born for the front lines. His presence alone dominated the field. Any Challengers he'd face would be a place where normal people would never be able to reach.

He mastered a variety of martial arts at a young age. Already flipping over instructors each time he was paired to a battle in an attrition of self-defense.

The sword techniques passed down within the generations of his ancestors, had all been perfected to improve upon his own. His sword an extension of his arm each time he wielded it. And in terms of firearms? Soshiro couldn't begin to imagine ever reaching the height of his brother's skill. The gap between them in terms of long ranged attacks had been far too large for him to delusionally think he'd ever make it. Let alone surpass.

And although their youngest was plenty good at the progress of his own swordsmanship. Soichiro was on an entirely different level than he was.

A genius, some would call him. A fact the younger Hoshina was far too aware of.

The dust he left behind when he ran forward was often a sight Soshiro was familiar with. Sweeping him off of his feet each time he'd issue a direct challenge with his older brother.

And although he hated to admit it. Soichiro Hoshina's existence was both an inspiration and a mockery to his own.

A frustrating truth that even he had no choice but to believe.

His enigmatic older brother had always been a person who was destined to become the Captain of the sixth division. And his junior of five years, who had not excelled in anything but his skill in close quarter combat. Had all but stood in his shadow, destined to live a much ordinary life as an instructor like his family suggested.

Not a single person expected him to keep fighting.

To keep swinging that blade of his which had been both a boon and bane for his existence in the defense force.

Each humorous jab, or critical comment directed his way, had always been replied with a simple smile on his cat-like features. Far too exhausting to correct the people who had never dreamed to understand what he wished for.

And even if they never did, even if no one ever believed that he'd be able to survive the chaotic life of killing a Kaiju with a blade alone. He'd fight tooth and nail if he had to, In an effort just to keep his style of combat alive.

Because swinging the sword had always been something he found extreme joy in.

He refused to let this be the written ending for his story. Refused to let fate decide on the path to his future actions. Not when his undoing had all been decided by his unlucky birth.

Had Soshiro existed in a different era, far away from Soichiro. Things may have turned out much differently, he imagined.

But alas, he was stuck fighting. Climbing the gritty stairs of progress. Dragging the heavy weights of his blades all the way to the bloody top. And It showed in the way he never stopped practicing. His personalized equipment had always remained in top condition. The sharp end of that thinly-cut mass of iron had always been razor edged and cut-throat in the way it was maintained. Not even a dent could be seen on the damn thing.

By all means the weapon he held had always been ready. Waiting in fact, for the day Soichiro would mess up and stumble.

And for some reason? Soshiro had a feeling that day would be today.

It was their usual four round duel. An agreement between brothers who'd meet up every afternoon at the end of their respective classes for the weekday. Books packed hastily in an effort to rush home so that they could clash blades in the open spaces of their house's courtyard.

It had been a daily routine at this point.

Often, Soshiro would be the first to come home. Dropping his bag onto the floor of his bedroom and rushing to wear his hakama which had been prepped on the foot of his bed. And the moment he puts it on, he shows no hesitation when he grabs an appropriately sized bamboo blade that he kept nearest his closet.

Soichiro, who was the last to come, had always returned home with his little brother already waiting for him at their usual spot. Stance wide and ready to begin their matchup.

And although he often found his determination awe inspiring.

The older brother was far too aware of his own blood's presence. His eagerness to catch him off-guard had been made clear. Always at the ready in the case he'd make a mistake so that he could close the gap in skill between them.

And Soichiro. Who was as equally as cunning as he is. Had always been one step ahead, at the ready for any of Soshiro’s practiced attacks that even he knew could catch up to him at any moment.

Genius my ass. What's the point of being called that when your younger brother was so close to surpassing you? His progress in the blade is abnormally fast.

And to Soichiro. It was utterly terrifying.

“Yer too stiff ya’ little wimp. How do you expect to swing and hit me when that stance of yours is too rigid.” Soichiro pointed out. His chin pointed at the darker haired boy's much smaller feet. The boy hadn't even hit a growth spurt yet. And at this point he had been much taller than Soshiro's current height. His little brother barely reached the waistband of his Hakama giving him an ample advantage in build.

“Tryin’ something new. Now shut yer’ trap and let me hit ya!” Soshiro replied. The same serious look plastered on his face.

And such a challenge is met by his brother's own smirk. “Quite the yapper today aren't ya?” He laughs.

“-Fine. If you managed to hit me once, I'll let you go at me for another round. That ‘a deal?”

“Don't even need to ask.” Soshiro smirks. And with quick footwork, the boy had already reached his older brother's inner circle.

His steps were precise in the way he wasted no unnecessary limbs in his movement. In three short steps he had been faced to face with him. The tip of his bamboo sword already pointed at the very sky. Ready to strike him in the shoulder in an attempt to have him drop his own weapon. A technique he had done plenty of times to Soshiro before.

But the braided haired boy had been quicker. More experienced for his age. Foreseeing the minor tells his brother would exhibit when striking his sword down. And he wastes no time, pouncing to the side. Narrowly avoiding the heavy hand that had almost hit him on the jugular. Where he knows would've hurt.

It was done in quick succession. Soshiro didn't even have time to realize that his brother had turned on his heel. His blade held with one hand, had swept the ground to hit his very ankle. Effectively throwing him off balance. Making Soshiro yelp as he landed on his rear. Sword slipping from the tight grasp of his fingertips which had not grown enough to garner a steady grip yet.

And he could hear Soichiro’s obnoxious laughter echoing from in front of him. Slapping his leg to try and calm his breathless laughter.

“Whoops, nearly thought you had me there didn't ya?” He places his free hand over his stomach whilst he slung his sword over his shoulder. Trying not to pop a vein while laughing so hard.

And the jolly expression on his face alone had made Soshiro grit his teeth.

“Hah!? One more round and I'll make ya’ eat dirt you big bonehead.” Soshiro had replied. Already scampering about to grab his sword from the sidelines. Readying his stance for another round.

But a little known fact about Soichiro is that his interests never linger on him for too long. Only allowing the younger boy a total of four rounds per day. No more, no less. Had that number exceeded. He'd spare no glance and show disinterest on entertaining the boy no more. And his laughter soon dies down.

“Nope, No way! That's the fourth loss in a row. That's ‘bout enough for today Soshiro.” The older boy shook his head nonchalantly. Fixing up the loose strands of his braid as he turned to walk away. Uninterested now that the battle had ended quickly.

“You coward–One more round! I ain’t done with you yet!!” Soshiro yelled. But he sees the way his older brother was already kicking the wooden sandals off his feet. Walking back inside where the scorch of the afternoon sun would not hit him. And mock reply he'd refuse much louder than before.

“Nope.” His mouth popped.

“Them's the rules, I'm afraid.. Now I’m starvin, let's go grab a bite to eat.”

He sees the way Soichiro had not spared a second to look back. Immediately making a beeline to the Kitchen where he knew a few snacks would be waiting for them.

But unlike the eldest, Soshiro had stubbornly stomped behind his brother. Trying his best to keep up with the older boy who had much larger strides in his steps.

“That ain't fair, you said you'd give me five rounds today!”

“I said I'd give ya an extra round IF ya’ managed to hit me. And beggars can't be choosers here seeing as how not one of your attacks managed to graze me at all.”

“-Looks like you'll need more trainin’ ya little twerp.” His hand had reached to pat him on the head. But Soshiro had slapped it away before it could ruffle the tips of his hair.

“Quit callin me twerp ya Bonehead! I'm not the one who's running away–Come back here so I can kick yer’ sorry butt!” He chased after him. A common sight for the household who often saw the siblings bicker with one another.

But Soichiro was too fast. The pleasant smile on his face remained as he grabbed a rice ball nearest the counter. All the while effectively avoiding the smaller one's tackles.

It had been a few seconds more before Soshiro would give up in his pursuit. The sound or his grumbling stomach made Soichiro want to laugh. But he figured he could spare the poor boy the embarrassment of pointing that out.

Eventually, Soshiro stopped. Grabbing a rice ball of his own, he chooses to sit at the tatami nearest the windowsill of their home. And with much delight begins munching on the rice ball with a fuming look on his face.

He hadn't given up..he’s just a little hungry. That's all. He reminds himself.

“One of these days I'll beat ya’ on the first swing. Just you wait.” And that sentiment makes his older brother smile.

“That so?” Soichiro replied. Sitting beside the younger boy who had taken large bites from his own food. And unbeknownst to Soshiro, a smile appears on the corner of his older brother's lips.

“Well, guess I should buckle up and train too. Wouldn't want my wimpy little brother here to get ahead of me. Now do I?” The younger one couldn't help but roll his eyes. Clearly unamused that his brother had taken to scorn him again.

“Train with what? You're already plenty good at everything else. Yer’ just being mean.” Soichiro couldn't help but chuckle at his brother's small pout. Already grabbing him another rice ball to hand to him, as a form of apology. And Soshiro wastes no time to accept his offer. Enjoying the fresh grains of rice wrapped in that salty seaweed sheet. A singular pickled plum had peaked from within the blankets of warm grains.

“Sure. But I ain't about to slack off and give ya an easy-win.” Soichiro chuckles. Though for some reason, his voice had been far kinder than usual. “-Besides…”

Soshiro pauses, raising a brow at his older brother who had stared at the golden rays nearest the open window. And a strange expression was etched on his very face.

“I'm willin’ to bet that someday..yer’ gonna find someone who's gonna need you. With or without that blade of yours.”

And he raises his head to meet his older brother's strange smile.

It had been a selfish, childish desire for sure. One that disliked the idea of his younger brother overlapping him one day. The sheer dedication and progress he had been making was a far cry to his own. But those words, he meant sincerely. And whether Soshiro was aware of that, he was sure that one day he'd at least think back on it as simply words of mockery to discourage him.

And he did not bother to correct him.

…

It had been a few years since then. And for some reason those words stuck to Soshiro like a moth with a lamp.

It was uncharacteristic of Soichiro.

Even after he cut ties with his older brother. He had always found that sentiment of his, strange. The enigmatic Soichiro did not usually go out of his way to comfort him. Let alone aid him in his training. In fact, he distinctly remembers all the times the braided haired boy discouraging him each time they dueled. Demotivated him to stop in his endeavors.

It wasn't uncommon for his anger to boil when it came to Soichiro’s demeaning behavior. His words, often echoing on days where he’d fail to prove his worth to the defense force.

And although he knew Soichiro was only teasing him. His constant onslaught of berations had made him think he needed to improve upon his flaws even more. His words of mockery, a lingering thought on the back of his mind that would've normally made a person give up. Had only strengthened his resolve. And his actions only lead to even longer strides of hard work that only evolved each passing moment he'd swing his sword.

So why was it that those words of his didn't sound like mockery at all?

Had his brother meant it? When he told him he'd find someone who'd need him with or without the skill of his blade?

It had been almost an entire decade since he last saw his brother. Who had gone straight ahead and became a captain of his own division. And Soshiro had just about joined the defense force. Hoping to prove his worth.

But that was easier said than done.

It wasn't until Mina Ashiro had walked in. Scouting him directly from the Kansai District. Offering him a chance to join the Third Division and rise to the top to become her Vice Captain. But even then, it had still felt like a blow to his existence who had been fighting just to stay in the game.

“I need your abilities. Will you join my force, Hoshina?” Captain Ashiro of the Third Division had spoken. Unabashed upon his entrance to her office. It had been one of those rare instances where he got to visit the Tokyo District. And he wondered if the woman in front of him was being serious in her resolve.

“Me?” He gives a wry chuckle. “Not sure I follow Captain.”

“You're a blade specialist. Yes?”

“That's correct.” He spoke with a weary formality.

“We can't overlook the possibility of miniature-sized Kaiju cropping down the line.” The Captain had spoken with determination. And her eyes meet Soshiro's with much the same determination she had when she first offered him a place next to her.

“When I need to shoot a threat, can I trust that you'll clear a path for me?”

…

Soshiro was frozen on the spot.

He was practically unable to answer her. Too shocked at the mere possibility of being offered a need for his skill with the blade. He had been forced to carry a gun with him before, and that didn't end well. Yet here she was, seeking assistance in a blade specialist who had so often struggled to keep up with entire platoons who had wielded firearms instead of steel.

So why now? Why was it when he resolved to only use blades did Captain Ashiro of the Third Division scout him out? Modern Kaiju of this day and age were large. Gigantic with plated shells that even firearms had struggled to pierce through. What good would a sword do in that situation?

And yet even then, he thought about it.

The possibility of fighting his way in the midst of soldiers who carried firearms and freezing rounds. The sheer thought of rushing forward and slicing Kaiju with the perfected combat abilities he had been polishing way before he had resolved to join the Defense Force.

But before he could resolve to make an answer, the door had opened. And you had entered the fray.

“Him? Well I suppose this isn't the first time the Third's willing to recruit strange people.”

Strange?

Soshiro had looked to the side. Catching a glimpse at your figure as you slowly closed the door behind you. Hands shoved to the front pocket of your lab coat as you walked right next to him. Saluting towards Captain Ashiro to formally greet her upon meeting her gaze.

“Captain.” You addressed. Right beside Soshiro. And you could feel his stares poking through your sides.

“At ease.” The Captain looks back towards him. “Officer Hoshina. This here, is the Third's Lead Technician. She's a weapons specialist and will be here to provide your support should you choose to join our division.”

The sweet smile on your face had not faltered. Taking you back to a relaxed stance as you came face to face with Soshiro’s own scrutiny. His raised eyebrow had been an indication of his hesitancy towards you.

Your eyes had made contact with his. And although squinted, you could see the glimpse of his wine colored eyes. Observing you thoroughly from head to toe.

You weren't exactly sure what was running in his thoughts at the moment. But his skepticism was met by a similar opinion of your own. Not entirely sure if he was as good as Captain Ashiro praised him to be. Though you had to admit, he was at least somewhat nice on the eye.

“I heard about you.” He tilts his head. Fox-like in his gaze. And a smile had stretched amusingly on the corners of your lips.

“Oh? Good things I hope?” He looked unbothered. Though in a sense that his kindness was only a front that he had all but gotten used to in hiding. Likely from your comment from earlier. And you had an inkling that he had a few things to say of his own. Sly in the way he'll word it.

”I suppose..” His reply was curt.

“Heard yer’ one of the few technicians that actually make Specialized Bioweapons, that about right?”

You nod. “Only for the strange ones.”

“-Ones that can't conform to the normalcy of standard firearms. Much like you, it seems.”

This makes Soshiro’s lips quirk. Suddenly very aware that your statement had been a jab of sorts. One he had gotten used to from his own division. And such a challenge was directly and expertly countered back in tandem.

“Well yer’ not so normal yourself ya’ know?” His accent had been made much clearer. And your eyebrows raise. Slightly irate in the way he jabbed at you. Though you let him continue, just to see if he could keep up with his own feist.

“-Heard you were the Technician that was kicked out for bein’ so stubborn to work with.”

And you had to hold back a wry chuckle. It seems his smile had a few sharp claws to fight back with. “So you've heard.”

“-But I suppose you too are used to that very sentiment, yes?” Your words seem to make that easy smile of his falter slightly. It was a miniscule comment, but judging by the way he had remained silent. The tension of the room grew weary as the two sparked a similar glare for each other. And although he found the situation slightly amusing, his displeased conversation had definitely soured his thoughts of joining.

Maybe the Third Division wasn't the place for him either.

What were the chances he'd have a different point of view should he switch divisions now? Your existence proved the very mockery his brother had implied. His Father who was normally supportive had not praised him for wanting to join the Defense Force when all he had was his skill in the blade. And the thought alone is enough to convince him otherwise.

Captain Ashiro's offer had been tantalizing, but not definite. And he has half a mind to excuse himself before things could escalate.

But as luck would have it. Captain Ashiro had been observant. Her intentions were never to have them be at odds with one another. And she clears her throat in the hopes she could ease the tension in the room slightly.

Administering as the only superior officer in the room. Who needed to take much responsibility.

“Sleep on it, Hoshina. We could use a close combat specialist like you out there.”

And whether or not she meant that. There hadn't been much time before an alert went off. A pin placed on his thoughts as he had found himself participating with the Third's mission to exterminate acid spitting Kaiju on the eastern side of the Kanto region.

…

Despite his hesitance. The thought of it still remained. And as if magnetized, he found himself willingly transfering to the Third Division. Somehow surviving a Kaiju attack that he had helped fend off with Captain Ashiro's help.

His sword. One he brought with him from back home. Had all been melted to the hilt. Its black steel had an unnatural wave of color on it. A result of his reckless actions when he remembered having to cut through the insides of a Kaiju's mouth. Saving both himself and a child from being devoured and melted.

Had Captain Ashiro and Okonogi; the Third's Lead Operations gal. Not hac impeccable timing, he was sure he would've been dead meat by now. And yet here he was, alive coupled with only a few bruises on his sore body.

After a few days, he had recovered fairly well since then. Deployed from the hospital after a back and forth discussion between the Tokyo and Kansai district. And he had finally gotten permission for his official transfer. h

His things were readily packed as he made his way to the bunkers of Tachikawa's base.

And just as he had stared at the broken blade, he had debated on whether or not he should've just thrown it out to get a new one.

It took ages to convince the Kansai district to forge him a blade. Steel that could withstand the strength of Kaiju skin. Or have a high enough melting point so that the acidic burns of its saliva and stomach were not affected by it. But that type of material was hard to come by. Let alone, he doubts command would grant him access to such weaponry when he had done nothing to prove his usefulness.

So even then, when he had been given the minimum necessity, he had been careful in its uses. Unsure whether or not his platoon leader would allow him to be given a replacement blade when he had so little opportunity to showcase his skill infield.

He’d likely have to ask Platoon Leader Ebina for a replacement. He had so few extra blades to spare. But the Third had at least been kinder to him than his last division. Surely they'd grant him better access to the weaponry of his choice, right?

Though just as he loathed the thought. His footsteps halted.

And in the middle of the empty hallways, nearest the corner where the sleeping quarters should be. Your eyes had met with his once more. The first time in a while since your encounter in the confines of Captain Ashiro's office.

“It's you.” You had spoken.

Suddenly aware that he had been staring at the broken blade in his hand. Unfazed by the heavy duffle bag he had carried with his other arm. The sudden softness of your voice had been unexpected to say the least. Given the last animosity you both displayed towards each other.

You walked closer to inspect the melted steel. Having already heard the report from Captain Ashiro’s latest mission. And for a moment, he feels as if you had looked almost displeased at the weapon. Guilty for having assumed the worst of him. “Looks like the acid's melted it down. I assume you have a spare?”

He nods. Sheathing the broken shortsword back in its holster. Making it look like it hadn't been broken at all. “That's right. Though I ain’t excited that I'm gonna hafta' throw another one out.”

This makes you smile. And his eyes had widened ever so slightly at the sight of your pretty teeth

So that's what you looked like when you smiled.

��Figures. It isn't very common for people to use steel against Kaiju nowadays. Let alone swords.” You spoke slowly. And this time, you see the way his mouth visibly frowns. A stark contrast to that usual unbothered smile of his when you had first met him.

“Well I ‘spose I'm not your common folk.” He spoke tight-lipped. And you cringe inwardly at your thoughtless words.

You hadn't meant that. A force of bad habit it seems. One that came from a place of wanting to help.

A soldier’s life, especially one that dealt with monstrous Kaiju, had always tipped the balance between life and death. And you had thought it reckless to see him remain stubborn when you first heard your Captain praise Soshiro's skill in the blade. Your impression on him, had made you think he was a reckless fool who did not value his life. At least not enough to learn how to handle firearms.

Though now, after having witnessed his actions through Okonogi and a few key witnesses from that day. You knew that you had been wrong in your assumptions. Planning to make amends the only way you knew how.

Your place as a Technician who could only fight through the weapons you made. One that you hoped would help people survive. Even for just a minute longer, just to make a difference.

“I didn't-” Your words were cut short. Not entirely sure why your voice had cut from the tip of your tongue. So instead you move closer grabbing the hilt of his blade from his fingertips. And that alone makes Soshiro tilt his head in confusion. “Here, let me have a look.”

And he watches you admire the weight and feel of the weapon. Staring at the black leather hilt that he had so often found himself gripping. Enough to cause a few dents in the area. Only further proving his dedication to his craft. But he did not understand your actions. Far too vague in deciphering you when he barely knew much to tell if your actions had been one of curiosity or just sheer brazenness.

“Do you…have something against me? Or is there somethin’ I’m missing here?" He blurts out. Unsure if your earlier comments were made from a place of ignorance or as a way to insult his way of fighting.

And your eyes had so easily pried from the blade and back to his face. Surprised that the relaxed persona of his had momentarily disappeared.

And for a second, you felt the weight of added guilt in the way you had addressed him earlier.“Against you? No, I-”

You sigh. “Not really. If anything I'm interested in you.” Managing to blurt out, almost frowning at the way you stumbled to admit that. Somehow that had been hard to say in front of his face.

“That so?” He tilts his head with a smile. “And here I was, under the impression that you hated my guts.”

You had half a mind to roll your eyes. Make another comment that might've irked his feathers for a bit. But you stopped yourself. Finding the smile on his face much more pleasant than you had imagined. A far cry from the masked practiced one he had adorned when you first met him with. And this time, you had made an effort to be more sincere.

“You've gained my trust.” You simply spoke. This time in a much more pleasant tone than you had anticipated. “I was wrong. I misjudged your confidence for stupidity.”

His eyes had trained over each other. And silence swept over them before you spoke hesitantly once more.

“I thought you were unwilling to adapt to change. But I see now you are much more careful than I anticipated.” Your admission makes him look away momentarily. Suddenly unused to such sincerity after their last meeting.

“Your skill in the blade is impeccable. And instead of being stupid, I'll replace your weapon for you.”

He raises his brow. Not entirely sure what you were getting at until you held the weighted blade with one hand. Unused to the way you had spoken softly this time. Almost apologetic even.

“You mean replace my weapon of choice?” He had assumed as much. Maybe you’d hand him a gun and see just how terrible he'd be at it. But you had almost smacked yourself on the head for wording things so vaguely.

“No.” Your reply was immediate. Making it clear that you had not meant to insult his skill in swordsmanship. That much was for sure. And maybe that had been the first spark that finally got through the both of you. That you had not meant to offend each other. Not this time.

“I meant–the material your weapon is made out of. It's barely functional, let alone made for slicing thick-skinned Kaiju. I didn't mean too.. yeah.”

Your words had caught his throat dry. And Somehow the awkwardness you had displayed had made him chuckle in response. Amused in the way you too, had stumbled in your words when you had so confidently spoken to him last time. He wonders if you were even the same person who'd responded with the feist he had experienced first-hand. Jabs and all.

Normally conversations like these would lead to persuasion. A simple comment to get him to use other weapons. To give up on his hard work with the blade.

By all means, he was used to the impracticality of his craft.

He was good with the blade. A prodigy some would call him. But his weapon of choice had not been suited for practical use. Often delegated as a Martial Arts technique, required to join the Defense Force as a form of experience.

But it seems he had forgotten who he was talking to.

For you had not been a very practical person either. A technician who made specialized weapons for the odd who would not dare conform to the standard way of fighting a modern Kaiju. And this time, he understood the words you had struggled to say out loud. Your apologies were clear, and you wanted to help. Even if you did look adorably helpless in trying to offer that option to him. “So, what I'm getting at is that, yer’ offering to help me. Yeah?”

“Yeah. Cause I have no idea how you survived for this long with such a flimsy weapon.”

“‘Scuse me?” He couldn't help but laugh a little more. Finding your bluntness a charm. Your aura had been quite different from his initial assumptions. And it seems you were just a bold individual who was unafraid of speaking the truth if need be.

And the thought alone made him smile. Much more genuine in the way he realized he'd be faced with.

“Normally people just tell me that I'm bein’ stubborn by sticking to the front lines. But never that..” He chortled again. Finding the amusement almost breathtaking to stand upright.

And the sound of his laughter had been similar to the pretty bells you once heard during the peak hours of a windchimes's ring. Nice and genuinely pretty.

If he had laughed like that everyday, it might make things a little harder for you to deal with. But you ignore the quick pace in your heart strings. Rolling your eyes as if nothing changed in your demeanor.

“Oh please. I've seen it from the Operations Room. You're more than capable. But the weapons they've given you are…subpar to say the least.”

“-If you actually want to do more, you're gonna need a stronger steel base than this.” You had flicked your finger against the holster of the blade. And the sound of contact had echoed to his ear. And suddenly he is all too aware of that soft smile plastered on your face.

A confidence brimming in you that told him all he needed to know. A thought that you'd help him. To stick by his side and pave a way for him. Starting with a better weapon.

“And I can help you. If you let me.”

“Oh. So you're offering to fix my blade for me?”

“Even better. I'm offering you specialized blades. Ones that won't break so easily.” You beamed. And the sight of your eagerness had made him almost giddy. It almost sounded like a pipe dream in the way you had offered no hesitance in supporting him. It was a breath of fresh air amidst the many who had given up on him.

“Though of course, you'd have to rise through the ranks. Command will only authorize special made weapons for the strongest Officers after all.”

“Like Captain Ashiro?” He had spoken out of turn. A tilt on his head at the memory of her rather peculiar specialty. “I assume you'd want someone who can dish out firepower as strong as hers.”

It was no secret that the Captain of the Third Division had an unusual affinity for firearms. Her large weapon was akin to a cannon, fit to destroy larger than life Kaiju should they appear before them. But you had all but shook your head at his comment. Already one step ahead to stop his doubts from formulating. And somehow, despite the difficulty in reading him. You found yourself able to at least grasp a feeling of his inferiority. One that had been beaten down on his very body that had made you feel guilty at the words he endured.

The very same words you've mocked him with.

“No. The rest of the command can have Mina Ashiro for all I care. It's you I want.” You pointed to him. your finger squarely on his chest. And he hopes you couldn't feel the vapid way his heart was hammering upon its contact with the fabric of his standard uniform jacket. Eyes fixated at your determination and unexpected confidence in him.

“But why? Wouldn't ya’ prefer someone more capable in both long and close range weapons?”

“Like who?” You had inquired. And suddenly his thoughts shift to that amazing but annoying recruit he's encountered during his entry exams. One that he had formed a small rivalry with since they had entered the force right around the same time.

“Maybe someone like Gen Narumi?” He shrugs. Though you could tell he was hesitant in his choice of words. Which makes you chuckle. “The soldier who requested a ridiculously large bayonet? No.”

Somehow that made Soshiro visibly relaxed.

“He’s good but there's nothing I can do that can help him further. But you on the other hand?”

He raises his brows. Seeing the way you tilt your head forward towards him. And his breath is caught on his lungs, unencumbered in the way you speak your mind openly and in confidence towards him. Comparison did not exist in your mind. And from the look on your eyes, there had not been an edge of doubt in the way you responded almost immediately to his doubts.

“I'd be a pretty bad Technician if I didn't see your uses beyond that sword of yours.”

“So ya need me?” He spoke incredulously. And although it embarrasses you, you give him a curt nod. That makes a chuckle escape from his lips. “And suddenly I'm beginin’ to feel special since I joined the Third Division.”

“Well, it's true. The rest may not be able to see it. But I know it.” You paused. Looking at him in sincerity. One that he was not used to seeing. And he flinches upon your hand grabbing his own. Feeling the way his skin had rich blisters that had been replaced with heavy calluses over the time he spent training.

“You'll save more lives than I can count, and the only way you'll do that is if you're given a proper blade.”

“-Created by yours truly of course.” You let go of his hand. Hopefully he hadn't noticed the red tint on your cheeks as you looked away. And his laugh is the first thing you hear that makes you want to admire his pretty face.

“Yer crazy..” He shook his head.

Though more of a vapid insult. The smile remaining on his pretty lips had indicated it was done on jest. And for a moment, you were suddenly all too aware of how husky his voice had been, or how much taller he had shadowed over you. Or how much better he looked when he smiled.

And you find yourself taking a few steps back. The broken blade already slotted on your shoulder. Ready to take it to your lab and get a head start on designing a suitable prototype for him.

“So I've heard. But the Third Division is already full of that, don't you think?” And he couldn't help but nod. Watching the way you had slowly walked passed him. Already unused to the given space you had provided. For a moment, he wished you had held his hand longer. It had made him miss the warmth of your closeness from earlier.

“I suppose so. It's a lot different from the Kansai district, I'll give ya’ that.” He turned. Watching as you retreated slowly. And with a single glance, you had all but piqued the very last of his interest.

Suddenly, it was like getting caught on a hook. And he’s afraid he'd be seeking you out everyday. If he can help it.

If you’d allow it.

“If they couldn't make you shine then I'll make sure to pave that way for you. No kaiju is gonna break that sword of yours.” You turn around. Already taking a step forward. Hiding your pink face from his sight. Which he was admiring rather languidly had you not turned your head.

“You have my word.” You had finished off. And before he could even reply, Soshiro was left in the empty hallways of Tachikawa base.

The sudden absence made him slacken, who had gotten so used to your comforting presence. But in spite of his disappointment, he somehow found himself smiling on his own.

It sure is strange hearing someone say that to him.

Mina Ashiro may have been the first to ask of him. To request an offer for his help in the field. His assistance would prove helpful in the face of her attacks, which was made for long ranged weaponry. And he had finally gotten a chance to prove his worth to the defense force. By means of paving a path to slay the Kaiju that got in her way.

But you had been the first to offer that yourself. To pave a path for HIM should any Kaiju get in HIS way.

You offered him a chance to shine.

And he'd be damned if he doesn't reach that expectation of yours.

The one who had challenged him to go beyond a greater height than he had ever envisioned himself climbing. To be needed.

It wasn't after half a month later had he come back boasting the highest melee kill count from small to midsize threats of Kaiju. His actions ebbing a spark in the third's outlook on Bladed users. Inspiring a few onslaught of officers to join a few joint training sessions held swordsmanship. The Kendo match between districts has become a much more popular feat than before.

Now, learning the blade wasn't a simple formality anymore. It had been another path forward. And although only a fool would continue to wield a blade instead of the practicality of long ranged weaponry. Hoshina Soshiro had been that very same fool. He who pushed forward like a madman and insisted on using his signature shorthanded blades, despite the odds stacked against him

And Mina Ashiro had placed a great deal of faith in him. Enough to promote him to a platoon leader. And eventually a Vice Captain of the third Division.

And your eyes had never lingered elsewhere in his pursuit.

Often following his line of sight when you'd seen him train on the very confines of the training room. And even now, you had stared directly at him. Unable to look away.

Not when he had entered your lab with the unusual formality of his standard uniform. His star studded pin hooked on the left side of his jacket's chest. An insignia that had been a symbol of his inauguration as the new Vice Captain of Third Division's upper ranks. His title attained by the mere fraction of his efforts and hardwork.

And you dare not face him with such petty grievances like you had in the past. A smile etched on your pretty lips as you greeted him in a mock salute. As if to tell him you had been expecting this day to come.

“Took you a while, Vice Captain. I almost thought you'd given up on me.” Your joke had made him let out a chuckle. Closing the door behind him as he walked up to your place nearest the desk.

“And miss out on yer’ startled face? Never.” He had spoken more informally than you had imagined. Which made you drop the mock salute you had given him. Rolling your eyes as you moved to stand. Heading to the next desk over as he followed you suit.

“I think you're the one that should be startled.” You had hinted with a giddy giggle.

The correction made Soshiro tilt his head. A sort of curiosity washing over him. And you watch as he closes the gap between his and the proximity of your bubble. Braving to graze his shoulders against you as he crosses your side. Eyes magnetized in the way it had seen your pretty smile. “Oh. Didya' have a surprise for me? Didn't peg you as someone who gave gifts often.”

And you lean forward, nearest his chest. As if to whisper your little secret that you've been meaning to show him for a while now. “In case you forgot, let me remind you.”

Upon landing his gaze on the small glass case on the desk, you had moved your hands to slowly remove the top cover. Revealing the two refined swords around the same length of his arms.

The outer casing, its holster. Was tinted purple like his dark hair. The hints of military green had no doubt matched that of their Combat Suit's design. And it veered to life the moment his eyes fell upon the familiar insignia of the Third Division's logo atop of its hilt. A sign that this weapon had been his.

Well at least, he assumed as much. Judging from the proud and almost excited look on your face. “I finished your swords.” You spoke factually. “Just need your verdict on the matter.”

His eyes had widened. This had been a stark difference from his previous blade. The way it was made was measured perfectly to the length of his arms. The sword bent in a grip for just the way he preferred it to. And its tip? The one where a pivot was placed had been an indication that it was designed so that he could connect the two blades. Form it into one long sword, if he truly wished to.

That alone was an indication that this was likely not a normal melee. Made of simple bronze or steel.

No.

This was a bioweapon. Made from Kiaju to kill Kaiju. One that was only granted to the strongest in the Force. One that had been ready for his use. Built in custom to his preferences. And their eyes met, only confirming his suspicions when she had given him an awkward shrug of her shoulders. Acting as if invisible ink had occupied the space between their feet.

“I said I'd make you a weapon that won't break easily, didn't I?” In an instant, a hot flush billowed in his cheeks. Much the same when your normally hidden shyness had finally resurfaced.

The rare times it did, he couldn't help but stare. Far too enraptured in the gap that had swung between your feist and your awkward responses. And he nods in turn. Suddenly aware that you had been doing such a task so diligently to perfection. “I don't know what to say. I didn't think you'd actually make it.”

You hear him chuckle. And your shoulder had pushed him forward. Towards the weaponry you had made for him.“Go on, it's not like anybody else can use it.”

Soshiro had looked at you, hesitant in the way you had so readily offered him such a gift. Your words had been proven in the way your assurances hit his heart. And his hand had a mind of its own as it grabbed the hilt of the blade. Sliding its cover right off so he'd have a chance to see the refined structure of the thinly cut mass of iron.

One he had been accustomed to weilding since he had been born.

Though instead. He was met with the dark shade of a similar material. Stronger than Iron, nor any steel for that matter. It was a blade far too distinct to forget. Luminous in orange hues as if it burned with the same heat that had allowed him to move in the enhancement of his suit.

And it had been clear this weapon was far stronger than the rest of his blade. Bound to cut a Kaiju's outer shell much easier than his previous ones would let him.

And the light one that breathed with an eery calm had reflected his own wine red eyes on the blade. The very movement caused a sound cutting through air when he'd expertly move it with his fingertips.

A sight of which had glued your eyes onto him. Finding his stupor rather mesmerizing than usual. His concentration had not been a rare sight for you, especially when you had caught glimpses of the many nights he'd spend alone in the training room.

But being this close. Seeing the joy nipping at his face. Somehow it makes your heart flutter strangely. And you had to shake your head to snap yourself out of admiration for the man. Suddenly focusing your attention back to blade one which vyed for his approval.

“So, do you like it?”

Soshiro had hummed. The usual grin on his lips remained unphased despite the giddiness in his chest. “Mmm...I ‘spose it's subpar at best.”

“Excuse me? Rude.” He laughs at your comment. And he puts the blade back in its holder. Already placing it on the back of his waist, right where it belonged.

“I'm kidding.” He spoke immediately after. A laugh bellowing from his abs. Though your scrunched nose had made it difficult for you to believe his immediate reply.

“No, I'm serious. You've outdone yourself sweetheart. Never seen a sword this sharp before..” He looks you over, admiring the easy smile on your face. That and the nickname seems to have made your cheeks flare up in surprise.

And he had to remind himself to engrave that very image of you on the back of his mind. Fearing that he may never get to see such a sight again.

“Well say that first! It's kind of difficult reading your facial expressions, you know?” You huffed. Though the easy laughter of his had remained. And a smile soon replaces your hefty frown.

“Sorry, sorry. Is there a price I hafta pay ya’? You know, for making me such a nice weapon and all that.”

You shrug, scooting your way right in front of him where he could just as easily close the gap between the two of you.

Have your chest pressed up against his, hand gripping the plush of your lower back. Admiring the gentle way you'd likely stare up at him with flamed cheeks. But he stops, already feeling too guilty to indulge himself further. And your reply had been quick enough to distract him from any incoming thoughts that had pushed his mind to try and get closer to you.

“Only your help, when it comes to a few suit upgrades.”

Help huh? He supposes this would be a good excuse to go see you more often. Though the simplicity of such a task was a little more suspicious on your part. And he had an inkling you had a few things in mind that involved more than just that.

But then again. He couldn't exactly read you either. Not completely at least.

Not yet.

“Quite demanding, aren't we?” He nods.

You had rolled your eyes at his teasing.

“You're the one that offered. But fine, be like that.” You had crossed your arms. Already backing away, and you had felt the way he had firmly pulled you back. Hand against your elbow. Making you face him whilst he tilted his head in your direction.

“Now, now..I never said anything about refusing you didn't I?” He chuckles. And the deep rumble makes your stomach churn in small caterpillars. Ready to form butterflies should he continue.

“Wasn't that already implied?” You spoke. Aware of the way his palms had steadied you by the elbows. The hint of warmth against his skin was almost tantalizing to make you lean forward. But before you had the chance to, he let you go. Leaving only an inch of space between the both of you.

“Shh..” His finger had raised itself against your lips. Shushing you before you could make another smart quip at him that was sure to insight another bout of witty banter. One that he knew he'd grown accustomed to in the future.

“I was just messing with ya'” He laughs. Only confirming that he had been hooked indefinitely by you. And he moves his free hand to tug your hair behind your ear.

“Do you, or do you not want to help me?” You had asked incredulously. Already finding his musings rather annoying. But the way he looked at you had your breath caught in your throat.

His gaze, although clouded by the silent promise to himself. Had not seen the way you too had a similar look on your face. And whether or not you had been aware of this promise. It doesn't fail to make your heart pick up its pace. His voice was almost reminiscent of prayer when he spoke your name in a whisper.

“I do want to help.” He spoke slowly. And your eyes flutter closed wondering if his touch would linger for a bit longer. But his fingertips remained curt. Pulling back just as soon as it grazed your skin.

“And how do I know you're being serious?”

“All ya’ have to do is call me. And I’ll Certainly be Yours, if you want me to.”

And he meant it. He was sincere in his intention to get close to you. To help you like you had sworn to him. Use his skill to protect you, should you ever need it.

And somehow, he is reminded of the time his brother had spoken to him long ago. Back when they were kids, dueling with simple bamboo swords back in the peace of their own home. Eating those childhood rice balls in the afterhours of their respective schools.

Soichiro be damned. Because somehow he was correct in his predictions. His words were every bit of a mockery to his craft. And although it was a rare sight to have him be soft in his presence.

Somehow, that was the one time he did so dissolutely.

And now, it looks like he's found someone who needs him. With or without that blade of his.

And this time, there was genuinely no sense of mockery in the way he had met you.

He only hoped he wasn't too late.

#anime #kn8 #kaiju no. 8 #hoshina soshiro x reader #soshiro hoshina #hoshina soshiro #kaiju no 8 x reader #kn8 x reader #hoshina soichiro #mina ashiro #konomi okonogi #kaiju number 8 #kaiju #Kaiju no 8 B Side Manga #hoshina x reader #Vice Captain Hoshina #soshiro hoshina x reader

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squash1 · 10 months ago

Text

THREES THREES THREES:

Oh hello. I want to talk about the stylistic/textual role of Threes in The Raven Cycle.

Threes – as a general concept and as a number – are a major symbol and motif in the series. Maggie tells us that threes are important from the very first book: from Maura’s favorite saying being “good things come in threes” to Persephone telling Adam that “things are always growing to three or shrinking to three,” threes are discussed at length in the text of the narrative. Maggie also shows us that threes are important as a motif/symbol for important aspects of the story: three Raven Boys, three Fox Way women, three Lynch brothers, three main ley lines, three sleepers, etc. Threes are, textually, incredibly significant in The Raven Cycle, and we know this because we are shown AND told it throughout the entirety of the books.

We all know the significance that is given to threes in the story itself, but what I want to talk about is the usage of a thrice-repeated word or short phrase (going forward I’m referring to this as “Threes” or “a Three”) as one of Maggie’s writing signatures (across the series, there are 65 Threes). This creates a meta level to threes being an important aspect of The Raven Cycle universe. A classic example of a Three (one of my favorites, in fact) is from The Dream Thieves:

“As they walked, a sudden rush of wind hurled low across the grass, bringing with it the scent of moving water and rocks hidden in the shadows, and Blue thrilled again and again with the knowledge that magic was real, magic was real, magic was real.” (TDT, 12)

In a way, the Threes join the intradiegetic (what is happening within the narrative itself) with the extradiegetic (what the narration is communicating solely to the reader). The reader and characters are told explicitly that the number three is significant, important, notable, and powerful. In using Threes as a writing signature after giving the reader that information, the Threes are designed to signal to the reader that this line, this moment, is important.

So the question is: What Are The Threes Trying to Tell the Reader???

Amazing question.

In my recent TRC reread, I was already keeping track of Threes, because I was curious to see how many times they appeared. And then my sister, who was also rereading, said something interesting (after reading this Three from The Raven Boys):

“He was full of so many wants, too many to prioritize, and so they all felt desperate. To not have to work so many hours, to get into a good college, to look right in a tie, to not still be hungry after eating the thin sandwich he’d brought to work, to drive the shiny Audi that Gansey had stopped to look at with him once after school, to go home, to have hit his father himself, to own an apartment with granite countertops and a television bigger than Gansey’s desk, to belong somewhere, to go home, to go home, to go home.” (TRB, 370)

My sister said: “Adam’s like Dorothy.” And then she said: “Wait. Do you think the Threes are like a spell? Or… a wish?”

Which was……. Interesting.

What I have determined, after completing my reread and spending way too much time analyzing this, is that a Three is either a wish, a hope, a longing, a prayer – or, alternately, a warning, a curse, a negative promise.

In either sense, Threes are a foreshadowing of what is to come – whether it be good or bad. Threes exist to signal to the reader that they should be paying close attention to whatever is being said or observed.

Threes in….. Everything Else:

Before we get too far into TRC Threes, let’s talk about the precedent for three being an important number in art, math, storytelling, etc. I found some interesting information about how three is a satisfying number for the brain:

Grouping things in threes leverages the power of repetition to aid memory; denote emotional intensity or importance; and ease persuasion (research by Shu & Carlson (2014) found that three positive claims is the most effective for persuasion).

Three is the smallest number that the brain can still recognize as a pattern, and the brain loves pattern and repetition. This is true in visual art – having three main compositional figures to create a pleasing image – and also in storytelling and narrative. Using threes for repetition in storytelling is a very common occurrence.

Some classic examples of repetitive threes are Shakespeare’s “tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow” or Lincoln's “a government of the people, by the people, for the people.” In each of these examples, a repetition of three is used to create pleasing auditory rhythm. There is something inherently memorable about literary Threes.

Perhaps the most interesting information I found while digging into the precedent for threes is about the rule of threes in folktales. This information happens to come from Wikipedia (side note: Wikipedia is a modern tool of collective consciousness and we should utilize it more). This page describes how in its most basic form, the rule of threes in storytelling is just beginning, middle, and end. Because this is such a common convention, writers tend to “create triplets or structures in three parts.” It then talks more directly about the use of threes in folktales:

“Vladimir Propp in his Morphology of the Folk Tale, concluded that any of the elements in a folktale could be negated twice so that it would repeat thrice.”

This is especially interesting to me. The idea that an element of a folktale “could be negated twice so that it would repeat thrice” shows up prominently in the plot of The Raven Cycle – a book that is heavily influenced by folktale motifs – but also in so many of the folktales/fairytales we all know. A classic example of this would be Goldilocks and the Three Bears – Goldilocks must try porridge that is too hot, too cold, and then, finally, just right. The journey of these three actions is satisfying to the brain because it is a complete pattern: the third and final result of “just right” porridge is only satisfying because of the two “not right” porridges that preceded it.

Getting back to Stiefvater Threes:

For anyone who’s seen The West Wing (and even those who haven’t), here’s a good way to explain what I think the Threes are doing. You know that thing they do during a The West Wing “walk and talk” where two characters will be throwing information and little quips back and forth at each other rapid-fire, and then suddenly, they will both stop walking, and the camera will stop moving, and they’ll say a line that contains really important information that you need to know to understand the storyline of that episode? That’s what Maggie’s Threes are doing for the reader. That’s what 6:21 is doing for the characters. It’s intentional: the writers/directors/actors/camera operators on The West Wing know that they’re throwing a lot of information at you, and know that they need to get you to pay attention to the most important parts somehow, so they do it by forcing the viewer to lean in and listen. It changes the focus and energy of the scene from something with momentum to something that pauses, and therefore makes you pause.

The Threes compel the reader to pause and consider the information being delivered as more important than they might consider it if it was not written as a Three. “Maura’s expression was dark” does not read the same as “Maura’s expression was dark, dark, dark.” And in a text where characters directly state the magical importance of threes, compounded by three as an overarching motif, there is clear intention and meaning behind these written Threes.

In the context of TRC, Threes act as a fourth-wall break.

They are essentially a way to poke the reader and say: “Are you paying attention? Because you should be.”

These Threes use a symbolic motif – the rule of three – that is already heavily discussed in the text – to get the reader to pick up on the internal motivations of the character who is “wishing” their Three or the narration which is using a Three to foreshadow some important aspect of the plot.

The Threes are like the literary equivalent of a record scratch. It stops you in your tracks, breaking the established rhythm and making you take notice of what is being said in a new way.

Let’s Look at Some More Threes (but just a few don’t worry)!

1. We get a classic Three, and a very Gansey Three, right after the group comes out of Cabeswater:

“‘What about that thing in the tree?’ Blue asked. ‘Was that a hallucination? A dream?’

Glendower. It was Glendower. Glendower. Glendower” (TRB, 231).

Finding Glendower is one of Gansey’s core wishes, one of his core longings. Although this line is a literal answer to Blue’s question – he saw Glendower in the tree – in making it a Three, Maggie has given it added weight and meaning. It is prayer-like in its intention. It is almost an incantation: by saying it in Three, Gansey wishes it into being.

2. In The Raven Boys, after Gansey has bribed Pinter to keep Ronan at Aglionby and has learned that Noah has been dead the whole time they’ve known him, we are given this Three:

“The Pig exploded off the line. Damn Ronan. Gansey punched his way through the gears, fast, fast, fast” (TRB, 311).

This moment foreshadows what directly follows: a distinct lack of fast as the Camaro breaks down and Gansey is held at gunpoint by Whelk. This Three is not a prayer, but a warning, and an indicator to the reader that something important is about to happen. Had Gansey not been trying to go so “fast fast fast,” the car might not have broken down; because the Three incanted it, disaster follows.

3. To return to a Three I have already mentioned, but follows the typical Three structure:

“...to go home, to go home, to go home” (TRB, 370).

In this scene, Adam’s wish is less about actually wanting to return to his literal home, because his house was never really a home for him. Adam’s wish/longing is for a home that he could return to, that he would want to return to. He is longing for a place/feeling/experience that does not exist for him. The Three in this sentence comes after a string of active wishes/longings, and by ending with this Three, it casts a spell of sorts, honing in on the truest underlying wish that Adam has. In using the phrase “to go home” three times, the narrative is making sure you, the reader, know that this want, this need, this wish, is the most Important to Adam, and will drive his actions for the rest of his story.

Most of the Threes feel like this. They are often tacked on at the end of a sentence or embedded in a sentence. They’re an addendum to the action of the story. They’re like casting a spell – once to manifest, twice to charge, three to cast.

…..And Some Other Types of Threes:

Then there are the Threes that don't follow the typical pattern of the same word repeated three times one right after the other, but are still a Three in a different way.

There are short phrases/sentences that are repeated three times throughout a page or chapter. In the prologue of The Raven King, we get this:

“He was a king…

He was a king…

He was a king.

This was the year he was going to die.” (TRK, 1-3)

In this case, the Three acts as a promise of Gansey’s kinghood, but in ending the sequence with “this was the year he was going to die,” the promise of the three is given a condition: it is not going to be a joyful kinghood, but instead a kinghood intertwined with the death we’ve known is fated for Gansey.

One of Adam’s Threes from Blue Lily, Lily Blue, uniquely breaks the mold of Threes in a format that does not appear anywhere else in the four books:

“It was his father.

He opened the door.

It was his father.

He opened the door.

It was his father” (BLLB, 242).

❋ (We’ll talk about this one more in-depth later.)

There are also a few “unfinished” Threes:

In The Raven King when Ronan is having a nightmare (infected by the demon) about Matthew and the mask, he has this Three:

“Ronan’s throat was raw. I’ll do anything! I’ll do anything! I’ll do anythi

It was unmaking everything Ronan loved.

Please” (TRK, 96).

With the uncompleted Three, there is an uncast wish. Ronan’s wish is about Matthew, yes of course, but also about being willing to do anything to keep those he loves (ie. Adam, Gansey, Blue, his brothers) out of the reach of the “unmaking.” This unfinished Three serves to foreshadow the harm that does ultimately befall first Adam and then Gansey as a result of the unmaking of Cabeswater by the demon: without the Three spell completed, his wish is not fulfilled.

*This is Not all the uncommon/mold-breaking Threes, just a few that are interesting!

Do All Threes Come to Fruition???

The short answer is: No. Or at least not in that way.

Once again looking at the text of The Raven Cycle, we are given an answer of sorts. In discussing Gansey’s predicted death, Maura says:

“First of all, the corpse road is a promise, not a guarantee” (TRB, 155).

This seems to apply to Threes as well. Threes are not a guarantee. They are a promise. Not all Threes come to fruition the way one might expect – or at all, for that matter. The important part of Threes is not that they will definitely come true, it’s that they could come true, because the Three gives them the potential to come true.

Structure, Structure, Structure:

The main Threes structures are:

Three of the same word separated by commas:

“magic, magic, magic” (TRK, 59).

A short phrase/sentence separated by periods:

“My father. My father. My father” (TDT, 369).

A short sentence that is repeated three times throughout a page/paragraph:

“Gansey did not breathe…

Gansey did not breathe…

Gansey did not breathe” (TRK, 209).

A word that is repeated three times and is connected by “and”:

“Round and round and round!” (BLLB, 224)

Italics vs. Non Italics:

Italics in The Raven Cycle are often used for character’s inner thoughts/anxieties. This continues to be true in the context of Threes. A Three that is not written in italics indicates a promise, or some foreshadowing of a plot point being foretold through the Three – it is typically more “real” – whereas a Three that is written in Italics seems to indicate a wish/hope/longing that is unattainable in some way. Italics almost always indicate a Three that may never come to fruition, or at least not in the way the character hopes it will.

An example of this distinction can be found in chapter three (hah) (I don’t believe in coincidences and neither does Gansey) of The Raven King:

First we are met with Ronan wishing/hoping to return home:

“That morning, Ronan Lynch had woken early, without any alarm, thinking home, home, home” (TRK, 24).

This home, home, home, is in reference to the idea of home rather than the reality. Ronan is wishing to return to a home that does exist physically, but is not the same as in his memory – he wants to be at the Barns as it was in his childhood.

Then, in the very same chapter, Ronan actually returns home and we are given this Three:

“Slowly his memories of before — everything this place had been to him when it had held the entire Lynch family — were being overlapped with memories and hopes of after — every minute that the Barns had been his, all of the time he’d spent here alone or with Adam, dreaming and scheming.

Home, home, home” (TRK, 27).

This second home, home, home, is about the actual reality of being in his childhood home – the good and bad that has existed in the years since the childhood he longs for.

The Addition of AND:

The most notable use of “and” is in Noah’s very last chapter:

“Sometimes he got caught in this moment instead. Gansey’s death. Watching Gansey die, again and again and again” (TRK, 416).

When “and” is added into a Three, it becomes circular, cyclical. The “and” gives the Three a sense of infinity, or creates a loop of sorts.

This Three operates in the same way “tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow” does in Macbeth – it is meant to convey the endlessness of time, a relentless cycle of tomorrows.

❋ While there are not many of these Threes with “ands” in The Raven Cycle, there are other examples of Threes or Three-like occurrences that fulfill the same purpose as the “and.” For example, remember this Three:

“It was his father.

He opened the door.

It was his father.

He opened the door.

It was his father.” (BLLB, 242).

In this case, instead of the word “and,” the Three (It was his father) is connected by “he opened the door.” This Three is accomplishing the same feeling as “again and again and again” – the feeling of being caught in an endless loop.

Another example of an (implied) “and” in The Raven Cycle is: Gansey’s life. Gansey starts out alive and then dies as a child only to be reborn, and then killed again through his sacrifice, and then reborn for a final time. Gansey is Alive, Dead, Alive, Dead, Alive. And so Gansey’s life is a cycle of Three.

As with the Threes that contain “and,” Gansey starts where he ends: alive.

Other Ways Threes Show up in The Raven Cycle:

I will state the obvious once again: there are three Raven Boys, three Lynch brothers, three Fox Way women, three sleepers, three main ley lines (the lines that “seem to matter” to Glendower’s story), Gansey the Third (Gansey Three, Dick Three).

There are also the more obscure: the “three kinds of secrets” in The Dream Thieves prologue and epilogue; each Lynch brother inheriting three million dollars from Niall Lynch; the three figures with Blue’s face on the tapestry and later as a vision in Cabeswater; Adam and Gansey going to DC for three days; the shield pulled from the lake having three ravens embossed onto it; Ronan having dreamt Matthew at the age of three; the door to the Demon’s room needing “three to open” it; Aurora Lynch staying awake for three days after Niall died.

And of course, we have the ley line symbol/chapter header:

And then there are the 300 (three hundred!) Fox Way “villain” readings. (This was something that was particularly interesting to me.)

The first antagonist we meet is Whelk. When he comes for a reading at 300 Fox Way, he first pulls the Three of Swords.

When the women all draw cards together, they pull identical cards for Whelk: three of the Knight of Pentacles, then three of the Page of Cups. After drawing, essentially, three threes (the Three of Swords, then two sets of three matching cards) in this reading, the first Three of the entire series appears:

“Maura’s expression was dark, dark, dark” (TRB, 124).

The second “antagonist” we meet is the Gray Man, who comes to 300 Fox Way in The Dream Thieves to “observe.” Maura, Calla, and Persephone are predicting which card is on the top and bottom of the stack and the first card, predicted by Calla, is the Three of Cups off the top of the deck that Mr. Gray is holding (a remarkably happy card in stark contrast to Whelk’s Three of Swords).

When the third antagonist, Greenmantle, comes for his 300 Fox Way Reading he also draws the Three of Swords. The fact that each of the three antagonists come for a reading is in itself a sort of Three, but to further the importance of these moments, each of them draws some sort of three-related card.

All of the examples I have touched on have been more symbolic references to Three as a motif of the books as a whole. However, Threes also show up in the literal number of times important quotes are said/written.

I was tracking some of the most well-loved TRC lines to compile them, and noticed that the lines “don’t throw it away” and “safe as life” happen to appear exactly three times throughout the series. This was honestly pretty surprising based on the importance of those quotes – I would have assumed they showed up far more. Actually, they both appear twice in The Raven Boys and once in The Raven King. Threes, and the importance of Threes, is embedded so strongly into the narrative of The Raven Cycle that even the quotes we all think of as the most beloved of the series follow this rule of Threes.

Now, could you chalk some of these up to coincidence? I guess. But Gansey doesn’t believe in coincidences so I don’t either. So what’s the point of all these Threes?

Conclusion???

In a literal, literary way, Threes are a fourth wall break to make the importance of a moment obvious, but I’m not sure what the larger “point” of Threes is. My best analysis comes from the idea of The Raven Cycle being all about time and Threes playing into the importance of time as a sort of record scratch or loop. The Threes, as a stylistic, written motif, seem to connect the time-based cycle the characters experience to the time-based cycles the reader experiences by reading the books.

But my conclusion feels incomplete and so I would like to rely on the collective for this one – just about the most Raven Cycle thing you can do. So I’m asking you, the collective you, what conclusion would you draw? What do you think?

What I do know for sure is that Threes are magic, magic, magic.

For Your Convenience: Here is the textual significance given to threes within the books (chronologically):

And here are the Threes, Threes, Threes (compiled):

(If you made it to the end of all this, I love you. Have a gold star and a hug <3)

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arimiadev · 6 months ago

Text

Developer Interview — Making A Date with Death

6 months ago, a brand new self-insert romance visual novel hit the market called A Date with Death, created by visual novel veterans Two and a Half Studios. Coming off of the success of The Divine Speaker, they dived into the chat sim space in visual novels with a huge splash. A Date with Death is currently sitting at over 5,000 positive reviews on Steam with a Kickstarter for an after story launching this week.

Read the interview on my blog or read it below.

Arimia: Hi Gabby, thanks for sitting down to talk about A Date with Death! Both of us have been into visual novels for quite a while, but what got you into them?

Gabby: I feel like my introduction to visual novels was probably similar to a lot of people my age…. and that was being on Tumblr too much and being introduced to Dramatical Murder much too young, and installing the fantranslation for myself and all of my friends, hahaha. From there I played the rest of the N+C games, and then moved to things like No Thank You! since it had a translation. After that I moved further to Japanese games that didn’t have a translation. These were 95% BL as well – I’ve played one or two otome games in my time but never really been super into them.

Actually, when I first got into development, I hadn’t played any Western visual novels yet. It was only after I started in game development that I tried more indie visual novels in general.

As for my favorite VNs, I have a few favorites! My first favorite and it’ll always have my heart is Lamento. It was kind of the culmination of a lot of different things I love in media, and I still love the game. There’s another untranslated game I really like called Pigeon Blood. I actually helped with some editing of translations for some of the routes a looong, long time ago. A more recent favorite, and probably my favorite overall, is MAMIYA! MAMIYA is a Japanese indie visual novel by KENKOULAND which I will happily shill over my own games (LOL) about a group of people at the “end of the world”. The way the story is presented, I don’t think I’ve ever played anything like it, and I found it very inspiring. I was lucky enough to work with the creator Kokoroten on an animation for my own game Dreambound, which was fantastic.

youtube

Arimia: Would you believe I’ve never played DMMD? Definitely cut from the same cloth though about being exposed from too much Tumblr time and hearing about all of these Japanese VNs that would never get localized over here, but now Fate/Stay Night is coming to Steam in a few months…. the visual novel landscape has changed so much.

You’ve worked on several boys love and girls love titles before A Date With Death that are more in the fantasy historical realm – how did you come up with the idea for ADWD?

Gabby: Well, we’d actually been wanting to try something more modern for awhile now, despite our love for fantasy settings, and we only happened across a screenshot from another developer’s chat sim and I kind of fell in love with the format. I’ve been really wanting to try my hand at something “cozy”, and though A Date with Death doesn’t really sound cozy on the box, we have a lot of features that I think set well with that crowd. I’m a very big fan of the informal aspect of the writing. I think even in my more serious games, I always lean into humor a little bit and I really enjoy writing banter, so the chat sim format was perfect for that.

(I styled my MC after my character Rose. he’d probably wind up in a shady chatroom like this)

Arimia: Having played some of A Date with Death, I can definitely see how it’s more “cozy” than some of your other games, and I think a lot of the player reactions I’ve seen have shown that too. The overall scope of the game is also on the smaller side, despite the player customization. How did you go about deciding the size of the game? Were there any parts/features you wanted to include but didn’t?

Gabby: Actually, the size is a lot BIGGER than we originally planned. Being our first free to play game, it’s always a little bit of a risk to put a lot of money into something when visual novel development is your livelihood, and obviously with a free game there’s no guarantee of a return. We originally planned for each “day” of the game to be only around 2000 words, for a grand total of 14,000 words for the game. Very short and sweet. Over the development we realized we had a lot more words than originally planned that we wanted to tell, and part of that is owing to just how many choices and options there are. There’s some conversations in the game which people are honestly surprised about because they’ve never managed to get them on any of their playthroughs. The game actually ended up being around 60,000 words, and this should be near doubled when Beyond the Bet releases.

We also included a lot of other things that weren’t originally planned when we concepted the game. We knew we wanted character creation and some degree of room decorating, but we also added a lot of small missable content – like interacting with your pet, watering your plant, reading books on your bookcase, minigames and websites on your computer, eavesdropping on your neighbor… the one thing we had originally planned but cut was voice acting. It’s something we really wanted to do, and we wrote Casper’s character with a very talented voice actor in mind, but it was a bit too much of a risk with the price of it and the unknown of releasing a free game but still making money on it. We don’t believe in having people work for us for free, even on free projects or jam games, so it wasn’t something we were prepared to have someone do for free even though I’m certain we could have.

Luckily, in the end we decided to hold a Kickstarter for the project, and that allows us the possibility of adding voice acting if it goes well!

Arimia: Yeah, it’s definitely a risk to spend so much time and effort on a free project, but I’m glad it worked out in the end. When announcing the game, what was your strategy? Did it differ any from how you announced and marketed your previous games?

Gabby: It was a little different! This is the first time we’ve had TikTok as one of our platforms when announcing a new project, and we knew we wanted to focus a lot of our attention there. Video content is very strong performing we’ve found, but it is definitely a skill in and of itself. We spent a lot of time honing down on our hook and how we could make people get it in a single line. On a platform like TikTok, you have a split second to catch someone’s attention.

We also had a much shorter amount of marketing time than our usual multi-year projects. We knew we wanted it out within a few months of announcing it, so we needed as much impact as possible in a short amount of time. We knew we wanted to get an animated opening since it can be a very powerful piece of marketing material, and I think that was a great idea and we’ll likely continue it going forward.

At the time of announcement, we had less than 10,000 followers on Twitter. Twitter is probably my favorite platform, but it was kind of falling off for us a little when we were ready to announce A Date with Death – but it just took off after we announced the game. We had a multi-month document with marketing beats and announcements we’d make over the few months we had, but with everything taking off much more than we expected we added to it a lot. I think you always have to be ready to adapt to change quickly in this field.

We actually never planned to market the game as “tease the babygirl”, but it’s something fans latched onto, and you can’t make that kind of marketing yourself, I think. We really leaned into our audience and what THEY thought of the game, and used that to our advantage in a way. I’m very thankful for whoever first asked if he was a babygirl.

Arimia: Twitter (was) probably my favorite platform too, mainly because it’s so easy to just make a quick post or update. TikTok has so much reach but it’s just so much easier to tweet a meme out somedays.

A little side question- with the name having the word “death” in it, were you worried about SEO / being censored on social media, or did it affect you? When I was creating Drops of Death years ago, I was worried social media platforms would suppress posts about it but ultimately went with it because it fit with the serial killer theme.

Gabby: Actually we weren’t too worried about that – we’ve definitely used words like death, kill, murderer, etc. in relation to our other games before and haven’t have much trouble. There ARE certain words especially on TikTok that it’s best to censor, but I haven’t had any problem using the name anywhere and we were prepared to risk it to use the name we wanted.

Arimia: It’s definitely a catchy name that summarizes the experience well. Back to the part where when people were first getting exposed to the concept and came up with Grim being a babygirl— how would you advise other devs to understand what keywords and pitches work better for their games?

Gabby: My first suggestion is to look at similar games to yours and the words they use. Look at the concept of your story and try to boil it down to a paragraph, then a sentence. Look at what makes your game unique, or how you can lean into what fans will get out of your work. Give your players elements that they can recognize instantly without a lengthy explanation.

“A romance chat sim where you flirt with and/or bully the Grim Reaper”

“Compete against the Grim Reaper to keep your soul… or die trying”

“Create your custom MC and flirt with the man trying to take your soul”

I use all of these in our marketing, because even though there’s a lot more to the game we’re not talking about, this is a hook that can capture someone’s attention straight away and then you can funnel them to your game.

Arimia: Getting hooks down can be such a difficult part but it’s so, so important. What do you think helped you most marketing-wise?

Gabby: It’s a tough question. We did a lot, and had huge amount of attention from all over the place and it just snowballed more, and more, and more. I think honestly what started the snowball was TikTok. Once we had one video go big, we were having multiple a week go 30k-400k views. We were getting 500-1300 wishlists per day for months. A lot of people joined our Discord from there and went to follow us on Twitter. TikTok is hard and the format is a lot to handle when you’re new to the platform, but it was absolutely worthwhile for us. Another thing I’ll quickly note – reuse your content. I just repost my TikToks to Insta Reels and they get a similar, if not more views, for no extra effort.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Two and a Half Studios (@twohalfstudios)

instagram

Arimia: Yeah, it’s wild how quickly TikTok can blow up for someone. I’ve had posts get 100k+ views and then a few posts later they’ll struggle to hit 1k.

Side note: Gabby has written about her experiences with TikTok on her blog. You can also read about my discussions on TikTok marketing for visual novels here.

What do you think was the least effective thing you did for marketing?

Gabby: I suppose Steam events this time around kind of paled in comparison to our own marketing efforts. They’re always worth doing though – any Steam events you can get into, participate in them! You’ll always see some kind of return. But for us, an event giving 200-300 wishlists was just a drop in the water. Not at all not worth doing, but certainly it wasn’t a huge focus for us this time around.

[A]ny Steam events you can get into, participate in them!

Apart from that, I posted also to some other social media sites like bluesky, but I didn’t find it very worthwhile and stopped rather quickly. There’s only so much time in a day, and as the only person handling all of the marketing, it just wasn’t worth it.

Arimia: For newbie devs, what would you recommend they focus on? TikTok, Twitter, or something else?

Gabby: I think TikTok is the easiest platform to hit it big on “fast”. I say “fast” because it’s not guaranteed that you’re going to hit it big, it really depends how well you adapt to the platform, but your content there has a chance of being seen, even without any followers at all. That’s probably why I recommend it as a platform for new and old visual novel devs alike.

I think you’ll also find that once you pick up the format, it can be pretty fun to make. I think platforms like Twitter are easier to use, but getting started on them is hard. VNs are so visual heavy so we already have so much content that works well on TikTok. Of course, there could be problems in the future with using TikTok in the US, so we’ll see how that goes.

It’s best to focus on a few places though, and not to put all of your eggs in one basket. When you’re putting your audience in places that can go away, it’s always a risk, so it’s good to spread them between places like TikTok, Twitter, Tumblr, etc.

Arimia: Yeah, I think one thing devs forget is that these social media platforms are ran by big tech that don’t care about the little guys – if your account gets banned or falsely flagged, what are you going to do if you can’t get it back? Always best to have more than one site you’re posting on, but you don’t want to spread yourself too thin.

At what point in ADWD’s development cycle did you start marketing it? It was a pretty short development cycle to begin with.

Gabby: We started working on the concept of A Date with Death January of last year, and announced it on the 5th of July. This wasn’t really 6-7 months of dev time though – we were working on two of our other games at the time. By that point, we’d finished maybe half of the game and announced the game in time for the Steam Visual Novel Fest a month later.

This was actually pretty successful for us, and gave us a decent boost to start from. We then released the demo at the end of September in time for Steam Next Fest, which was a bit more meh for us despite going in with a high wishlist velocity. We then released the game at the start of December. But, like I said, we were working full time on Dreambound and The Divine Speaker: The Sun and the Moon, so I think we could have made it in much less time if we didn’t have other games on our plate.

My suggestion is to announce the game and start marketing early, but not so early you run out of content you can post. My strat is usually announce the game at the same time the Steam page is ready, so you can use the announcement to drive people straight to it. A trailer can be another marketing beat, and then lead up to the demo release. Going in with a solid marketing plan is a great idea, too.

Side note: despite the short amount of time to market the game, they were able to enter it into at least 2 different Steam-ran festivals! That’s a great boost to wishlists and they usually don’t require much work from yourself.

[A]nnounce the game and start marketing early, but not so early you run out of content you can post.

Arimia: Once you’ve worked on a few games it’s a lot easier to gauge when that sweet spot is, but when you haven’t it’s definitely hard to figure out. I usually go with how much progress I have towards something playable like a demo. When ADWD was ready to release, how did you reach out to press?

Gabby: Actually, I didn’t sent out any press releases for the full game! I can’t tell you exactly if this was a good thing or not – but the way I’ve done it for all of my other games is that I send out a press release and streamer keys for the demo only. Especially for A Date with Death, we already had a lot of press and streamer interest naturally, so we decided to use our time for other forms of marketing and polishing up the game instead.

For the demo though, we curated a list of ~70 people to send out early keys to. I think this is quite worthwhile in hyping up the demo release, and it’s quite easy these days with tools like sullygnome.

Arimia: What lessons learnt from your previous games did you bring with you when making ADWD?

Gabby: We’ve been very lucky to work with our amazing artist Fuyuure for over six years now, so we came in with a great team who worked incredibly well together. I think that was a big bonus – working on something like a big character creator can be a difficult task for many artists, because of the sheer amount of assets you need. So, I would say coming in with a talented team who were ready for their tasks was a massive boon.

I think working on so many games beforehand prepared us to make the game in the time we did. We usually work on bigger, multi-year projects, and this was our first proper commercial endeavor into a smaller game. Our experience helped us to pinpoint exactly what we would need, which is a lot less than our other projects. The game actually only has 5 CGs, which is less than usual for us, but I think we managed to do it in a way where it doesn’t feel lacking, either. Getting scope right is a difficult thing and it’s easy to want to include anything and everything, but we were very particular about what we wanted and how long it would take.

Arimia: I can definitely see how that helped – working with people you’re already comfortable with can alleviate a lot of stress. For the A Date with Death: Beyond the Bet Kickstarter, how did you prepare the marketing campaign for it? How long did that pre-planning take you?

Gabby: We really started planning the new DLC the day A Date with Death launched last December. We knew we wanted to make more content, and with Dreambound nearly complete it was a good time to start thinking of running a new campaign. I would say the preplanning took a couple of months – working on a good date, working with lots of artists on new merch, setting up the page, getting the page to our graphic designer to make some images up for it… running a Kickstarter is definitely a lot of work! Even organizing the tiers takes some time.

We prepared mostly by getting the prelaunch page up as early as possible and getting the word out on all of our socials – Twitter, Tumblr, TikTok, Reels, Steam itself, Discord, our email list, itch…. basically, did a big blast out everywhere and we had a huge amount of people come and prelaunch straight away. We also really enjoy doing countdown images the week before launching – it lets us work with a bunch of amazing artists, and we use the art for rewards during the campaign too (as prints). Being our third campaign, we came into it knowing what we had to do, which is a big timesaver. For new developers, I’ll say don’t sleep on the prelaunch time – it’s not a good idea to put up a Kickstarter and instantly launch it. You need to bring an audience with you and get as many pledges lined up on that first day as possible.

Honestly, the support so far has blown our mind. With a similar amount of prep, Dreambound launched with less than 300 followers on the page, but as of writing this we’re already over 4500 on A Date with Death.

[I]t’s not a good idea to put up a Kickstarter and instantly launch it. You need to bring an audience with you and get as many pledges lined up on that first day as possible.

Arimia: Even though I’ve helped run and advised several Kickstarters before, there’s always something I forget or push off until the last minute. Was there anything you learned from the Dreambound KS that you used/did differently for the ADWD KS?

Gabby: Oh, for sure. I learned a lot about my tiers and page organization from our past Kickstarters. We actually have a lot more tiers than usual on this Kickstarter and I don’t think we’d be able to manage that without our past experiences.

If I had to pick one thing from the Dreambound Kickstarter that I’ve changed for A Date with Death’s, we decided to have all of our stretch goals viewable from the get-go. I enjoyed the “unlocking” of stretch goals we had before, but with the amount of attention I think we’ll get, it’s just easier to lay everything out for everyone.

Arimia: Yeah, I imagine you’ll probably be hitting stretch goals pretty early on with how many people are excited for the KS. Aside from social media like TikTok and Twitter, how do you keep your audience interested?

Gabby: I think one of the things that mobile games have as an advantage is continuously adding more content and patches. That really keeps people interested and coming back to your game and characters. Obviously we don’t really have a big enough team or enough time to be adding more and more content, so keeping people interested can be quite tough. We were very conscious of this when deciding WHEN to hold a Kickstarter in the first place – if we wait too long, people will move on. It’s already been 6 months since the game released, after all.

There’s multiple ways we’ve kept people interested during these months. One is that we funneled a lot of people to our Patreon, where we have exclusive art every month from the game, as well as behind the scenes stuff about the new DLC. We then can tease these on social media too, and drip feeding content works pretty well to keep people interested.

Another is we now have near 8000 members in our Discord, and these people become some of your core audience. We encourage interaction with each other and the game by weekly game questions that players can answer. If you had enough time to organize it, I honestly think even doing daily questions would be a really great idea. Anything to kind of keep people chatting and thinking about the game.

Arimia: To wrap this up – what advice would you give to other visual novel devs?

Gabby: There’s so much I’d like to say, but I’ll just give a few pieces of advice that I think could help newer developers. Don’t think of marketing as a bad thing, or an annoying thing. I see a lot of new developers come in and say “I won’t market. I feel like a shill and my game will speak for itself”. I think this is a huge mistake, because people won’t play your game if they don’t know it exists. Marketing can be fun! Share your little stories with the world proudly, don’t feel bad about that.

If you want to do game dev as just a hobby, then that’s absolutely fine – but it’s totally possible to do this as a profession, too. My partner and I have been working on visual novels full time for over two years now. A lot of people tend to think that’s there’s no money in visual novels, but I would say that’s not true at all. It’s hard work – like all small businesses are – and not every game is going to be wildly profitable, but it’s totally possible with a good game and good marketing. Keep making the games you love, doing market research to see what other people love, and you might be able to find a good crossover.

-------------------

And there you have it, some insight into the development and creation of A Date with Death! If you haven’t already, check the game out – the base game is completely free to play on Steam and itch.io. You can check out their social media here:

Twitter – TikTok – Tumblr

Support their Kickstarter!

#visual novel #visual novels #a date with death #two and a half studios #visual novel game #my articles #interview #Youtube #Instagram

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malfoys-demigod · 2 years ago

Note

Could you do and angst to fluff with older johnny where he has a fight with reader and this he's to older and not good enough to her but she proves him wrong ?

Proving Johnny Wrong - Johnny Lawrence (CK) x Reader Part 1/2

A/N: Hope you enjoy! I wanna base the extra character on Matt Bomer since I LOVE him right now!

You were only dating Johnny for a few months now. To you, it was the most wonderful thing that has happened to you. He was starting to become a best friend to you, as the chemistry between you was off the charts. Everything was perfect for you. Age didn’t matter to you. So what if he was maybe twenty years older than you? You were distanced and away from family, friends, and anyone who could’ve brought your happiness down.

To Johnny, he was still a little bit insecure about the age gap. That was his biggest problem. You two were very much in love with each other, but Johnny always had the nightmare of him being a pit stop to your actual dream man, who was your age and who could be with you for a longer time on this earth. He still questions why you’d want to be with someone older than you. You could’ve been with someone your age and someone with less wrinkles and more chiseled abs.

Tonight, Johnny was going to be tested.

Your high school flame, Ken, was back in town. You two were also close of friends, so you two saw each other more as friends than old lovers who dated for a silly few months.

Johnny never really heard much about Ken except that he was your first love before and how he decided to leave Encino on good terms with you before going off to college.

He brushed that information off before, assuming he’d never have to meet the guy. But here he was, driving the both of you to meet him in the restaurant you planned on having dinner in.

“So, this Ken guy, what does this guy do?” Johnny asked

“I don’t know,” you reply, “Last time I talked to him, he was thinking about going into med school. Now that he’s graduated and all, he’s probably somewhere in the medical department.”

“Huh, smart cookie.”

“Yeah, you’ll love him!” you encouraged Johnny, “He’s the funniest and he’s definitely gonna make you laugh all night.”

“Let’s see about that,” Johnny muttered, knowing he’d probably look like a fool if your generational pop culture differences hit on night. He was an 80s kid while you were a 90s kid. Ten years is a whole difference, especially when Johnny’s mind still lived in the 80’s.

—

Once you entered the restaurant, you heard a voice call out for your name.

“Y/N/N! If it isn’t you!”

You eyes travelled to the other end of the restaurant, looking at Ken, who seemed to have really aged well. He stood up from his chair and opened his arms out.

“Oh my god, Ken-doll!” you teased his old nickname, which got Johnny feel tense already.

You ran up to him, hugging him tightly.

“Hey you!” he said, “How I missed you! You haven’t aged a bit, hun.” He noted, checking you out funnily. He then noticed your date, who was just staring at him with serious eyes. “Oh, you must be the boyfriend, hi, Ken,” he said, extending his hand to Johnny.

“Hey,” Johnny said, “Johnny Lawrence.” He gripped onto Ken firmly, with an icy tone.

“Well, let’s sit!” Ken recommends, motioning the two of you to follow him to the table.

Johnny holds your hand for reassurance as the two of you follow Ken, making you look at him with sincere, happy smiles.

As the two of you sit, Ken begins to ask the big question, “So, how long have you been dating!”

You smile, excited to share with your friend your relationship with Johnny.

“A couple months already! It’s been really fun with Johnny.”

“I’m really glad to hear that,” Ken says, “Y/N is an absolute treasure.”

Johnny huffed, “As if I don’t know that,” he said sarcastically in a rude tone.

At first you didn’t mind it, maybe he was just pulling out one cold joke, but little did you know it would get worse and worse.

“Uh yeah, but you know Johnny’s really great too,” you add, “He owns a dojo and teaches kids karate!”

“Aw that’s cute!” Ken notes, which Johnny huffs again at.

“Karate isn’t cute. It’s a lifestyle, where you get to be badass and kick ass all the damn time. It shaped my kids from wimps to feared teenagers. It’s life changing.”

You shot Johnny a quick angry look and looked back at Ken, who didn’t know how to reply to Johnny.

“So Ken, all I know is you graduated from Stanford doing premed! You a doctor now?” you asked willingly

“Yeah! Neurosurgeon at North Hollywood!”

“Omg you’re not that far from here! Why didn’t you tell me sooner! I thought you’d be somewhere around Stanford still!”

“Sorry Y/N/N, was too busy being McDreamy,” Ken teased, which you giggled. Johnny narrowed his eyes, not knowing the reference.

“What the hell is a McDreamy?”

“Grey’s Anatomy?” Ken asked politely?

“Patrick Dempsey? Cmon Johnny we watched some Patrick Dempsey together before!” you say.

Johnny shrugged, still not getting it. You laughed it off, looking back at Ken, “Sorry, 80s man here,” which made Johnny upset, “Have you met your Meredith Grey yet?”

“Mm nope, haven’t met anyone since you,” he shyly admitted, as he started to show pink swatches on his cheeks.

“Aw, Ken!” you laughed, which got Johnny creating a tight fist under the table, “I-“

You couldn’t even explain how flattered you were because Johnny rose up from the table abruptly and said, “Excuse me.”

Johnny’s eyes were anywhere but near yours as he quickly made his way outside of the restaurant. You apologized to Ken with a sad look on your face and followed your boyfriend outside.

You saw Johnny get inside his car, but before he could leave you pounded on the door.

“Johnny! What the hell!” you yell in confusion

Johnny still didn’t look at you. He was facing the steering wheel. “I can’t do this, Y/N.”

“What the fuck do you mean, John?!” There was already a struggle in your throat as if you were about to cry.

“Why didn’t things work out between you and your Ken-doll?”

“Oh cmon, Johnny! Seriously?”

Johnny stayed silent, eagerly waiting for a reply.

You groaned, rolling your eyes. “I guess cause he had to go to school far away from me. We would rather be friends than try long distance, fail, and become strangers!”

“If he stayed, do you think you would’ve been married to him by now and maybe have kids with him?”

You were baffled by this question, “Johnny you are getting ridiculous. What are you getting at?”

“Oh cmon, Y/N! He’s your age, he’s successful, handsome, and everything I’m not! Can’t you fucking read the room? You shouldn’t be with me, I’m old, unsuccessful, wrinkly, and fucked up!”

“Johnny-“

“Look,” he said, now looking at you with saddened eyes, “Tell him I wasn’t feeling well, okay? I can’t do this anymore. Good night, Y/N. Have a good dinner with McDreamy.”

And with that, Johnny backed up his car and drove off from you, leaving you, shattered. It was so in the moment for you that you didn’t even have the feelings to cry because everything was just so fresh and surreal in the worst way possible.

You didn’t even have to catch Ken up to speed as he slowly walked towards you, noticing the whole thing unravel as he didn’t want to leave you alone all depressed.

“Hey,” he said, getting you to turn around. You started to tear up and mumble some sounds. “Hey, hey, come here,” he said, welcoming you into his arms again. “He’ll come around eventually. He’d be too insane to lose you just like that, buddy.”

“Can you take me home?” you asked, getting the words together this time.

“Of course, Y/N.”

The second and last part is to follow… what are your thoughts so far!

#johnny lawrence #johnny lawrence x reader #karate kid #cobra kai #cobra kai x reader #karate kid x reader #william zabka #matt bomer

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tenebriskukris · 5 months ago

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Oshi No Ko Chapter 153 - My Thoughts/Analysis

This chapter was a bit of a mixed bag for me, but it’s at least an improvement over the absolute trasheap that the last chapter was. As always, spoilers for Oshi No Ko Ch 153 below.

We start off the chapter with a continuation to this interaction between Hikaru and Aqua. With how this series has been timeskipping so much recently I half expected this confrontation to also be done offscreen. Would be par for the course at this point. Let’s see how this turns out now that we’re actually getting the proper screetime for them to talk.

Hikaru is the managing director of some media company? You’d think that something like this would’ve been shown earlier in the manga when Akane was gathering info on Hikaru but it’s honestly not that relevant now that Aqua and Hikaru are face to face like this. Again—this entire Aqua-Hikaru interaction should’ve had more buildup to it but I’d be beating a dead horse if I kept expressing my displeasure about it.

It seems you’ve researched me through and through. Yeah, Aqua probably has done that for the movie—whether or not it’s completely accurate or not. Though we don’t actually get to see Aqua do much on that—he’s certainly researched Ai and her past but not so much for Hikaru. You’d think that after he knew his identity it would’ve been shown that he was sniffing for clues but oh yeah! The manga just handwaved that like so many other important factoids.

Interesting that Hikaru says that the movie was fiction despite the fact that the information in it was actually accurate. Considering he was involved in these events I’m not sure whether or not to trust his words in general. Not to mention this whole thing about the events being fabricated, exaggerated and some other bits excised from the movie itself. Whether or not it’s true—I think it’s still a fact that it’s not quite Ai and Hikaru’s story being told in the movie. Not perfectly at least. Allowing Abiko and Yoriko to change up aspects of the script clued us into that. The question remains—how accurate is all of it—is something that I hope to see before the manga ends.

Gotta have to give props to the art with Hikaru in this one panel. It’s very…what is the term? Angelic? No, illuminating. White background with his figure front and center. Trying to give off an atmosphere of cold certainty, if I had to pin an emotion to it. My only complaint is that his black star eyes aren’t very striking in this panel when we’ve seen Aqua’s black star eyes go hard in a lot of other panels.

She never loved me once. Now that’s an interesting thing to say. Especially since Hikaru himself is now the only person in the series that actually experienced the Ai-Hikaru relationship in its entirety. While the movie may have attempted to portray their relationship, it also didn’t do a perfect job at doing so, even if they may have preserved the heart of it. I’ll have more thoughts when the chapter ends since I want to see how this interaction develops.

So we’re finally getting the confirmation that Hikaru killed Ai. About time, really. Having Hikaru’s character and motives be shrouded in mystery for this long in the series made the possibility that he didn’t intend for Ai to die still plausible, though doubtful. The mechanism of Ai’s death has been suspected by Aqua for a majority of the series, so I’d be fine if they just handwave that factoid out of the picture.

This movie will get me killed socially. Here we go again with this entire bit. It’s much too expository for my tastes. Akane and Hikaru both believe that the movie will get him killed socially but really, it wouldn’t be very realistic to think that unless someone directly spills the beans to the public later down the line anyway, and even then if Hikaru was popular and influential enough the industry would let him trudge on even after the reputation hit. It’s not like the industry really cares if someone high up is a horrible person unless they make too much of a mess of things for someone to go public with that sort of thing.

THE DVDS??? For the love of all the gods and deities above I need to know what are in those DVDs. They’ve been lingering in the background for long enough and defined a large part of Aqua’s motivations throughout the movie arc for so long that it’s difficult to grasp what Aqua’s thinking half the time.

If revenge against me was what she wanted then I’ll accept it. I loved her from the bottom of my heart, after all. Huh. So that’s why he’s been fine with letting the twins run their revenge scheme like this. I’m inclined to believe him here personally—but it’s also possible that he’s letting his own Issues affect his thinking. From how he described Ai before, it could that he holds some guilt in being responsible for Ai’s death that he’s fine with the twins killing him like this if it’s what Ai wanted, though this is all just speculation.

So that’s why this meeting has been so civil. Hikaru’s wanted to talk to Aqua for awhile now, it seems. It’s still bad writing that we didn’t actually get to see them interact before this interview though. Spending a chapter to set this interview up could’ve allowed the buildup to not feel like something out of a cheap paperback. Not to mention not showing us why Aqua has white star eyes in the first place and just what caused that exactly.

Wait a second the DVDs were on the table??? And this couldn’t have been easily shown to us in the previous chapter or in the previous panels??? Please. That’s bad narrative writing right there.

If Aqua can say that so confidently to Hikaru’s face then the DVDs HAVE to talk about Ai and Hikaru somewhat. Now the true test, will Aqua give the readers that info or is that going to be offscreened?

Oh? Is this still the movie? Perhaps I need to give the manga more credit if it’s actually showing us this in some detail after the fact. Though it’s also plausible that this is just Hikaru’s flashback instead of the movie—which, is probably better than showing the movie like this anyway, but something like that would have to depend on this entire flashback pans out.

That’s why you have to shoulder the burden of living their lives from now on. Welp, sorry Kindaichi you’ve just damned this young kid to a life of horrible coping mechanisms! Joking aside this entire situation is just really capital grade fucked. Even though the man was just trying to help Hikaru get through the funeral he didn’t know just how unstable the boy was. At least Ai had Ichigo and to a lesser extent, Miyako to help her through the harshness of the industry. Hikaru didn’t have the support system that would keep him stable—and even Ai herself wasn’t exactly a paragon of stability even at her best.

Also!!! Baby Taiki! If only we could’ve seen more of him in the manga—he would’ve been a great contrast to both Aqua and Ruby but alas he’s been relegated to a side character. Another pocket of missed potential, that one.

Okay so it isn’t a flashback. Hikaru actually has two white star eyes here and that’s not a trait we’ve ever seen Aqua have. So it seems we’ll be delving into more of his backstory that wasn’t covered by the movie here and hopefully more next chapter. I also wonder if he’s actually explaining this all to Aqua or is this all just him thinking in his head right now, but we’ll see the results of this flashback soon enough.

These two pages of a younger Hikaru and Ai…it’s so bittersweet. If what Aqua’s implying is true it means that Ai loved Hikaru all along and we already know where their relationship ended up after everything.

Damn Ai. I know you have your Own Issues but it was also kind of harsh just leaving Hikaru out in the cold like that. Can’t say I blame her, but maybe this entire flashback between them will get more fleshed out next chapter to encompass Hikaru’s own reaction and how he masterminded Ai’s death.

I have a lot to say about this chapter. It’s nice that we finally got more interaction between Aqua and Hikaru where it wasn’t just Aqua yapping on about revenge. Ditto with the fact that the DVDs have finally made an appearance after being sat on for a hell of a lot of chapters by now. Though…even if the implication with these DVDs are that they explain what Ai felt for Hikaru, I wonder if that’s just all they talk about. There’s still potential for more to be dredged up by their content. Not to mention there hasn’t been much of any talk about Ai’s DVD for Ruby, but that’s also something that I wouldn’t be surprised was also offscreened considering that we didn’t see the content of the DVDs when they showed up the first time.

Then there’s also the fact that Aqua is implying that Ai loved Hikaru this whole time even after she pushed him away. I don’t quite think this reveal quite sticks the landing here. Hikaru as a character was only really revealed quite late into the series and now that we’re focusing on him these reveals about his personality and character are much too late to have any effect because either they’re all thrown at us at once or when they do give us crumbs to his disposition, they’re too obscured by the narrative for us to get a good enough grasp on him for the reader to care about him as a character and a person rather than as an antagonistic force as he was for the majority of the series.

The point I’m trying to make here is that there was nothing leading us away from the direction that Ai loved Hikaru all along to make this reveal more satisfying. We’d already known that Ai had her own Issues when it comes to intimacy and affection, not to mention being similar enough to Hikaru that they were drawn together. The movie in itself seemed to imply this factoid by showing Ai’s backstory and displaying her own Issues straight to the reader. Ai herself seemed to be on relatively good terms with Hikaru enough that she still kept in contact with him. She wouldn’t have done that if their breakup was one that ended badly enough that she didn’t want to have anything to do with Hikaru afterwards.

I think it’s also important to note here after this flashback, that assuming Hikaru is telling the truth to Aqua, that from his perspective Ai certainly never loved him all along. He wouldn’t have reacted how he did otherwise. I don’t want to spent too many brain cells on this point because I’m sure we’ll be getting more detail next chapter, but I want to touch on this point slightly.

Both Ai and Hikaru were teenagers that were heavily damaged by their own pasts and thrust into an industry that was poised to take advantage of them. They may have found some solace in each other at the time, but that was only a band-aid to help stop the bleeding caused by their respective issues. They never dealt with the root cause of what was causing their respective traumas to flare up. They just dealt with the symptoms of their own respective issues together and that was what kept them together for as long as they did. Their relationship was bound to end badly if they didn’t address their trauma in time and we all know what happens next.

The entire scene when Ai says that they shouldn’t see each other any more is only given to us partially so it’s difficult to judge just if Ai just sprung this idea to Hikaru out of the blue or if she tried to lay him down gently but from the presence of the toothbrush and what looks to be toothpaste it might just be the former. Hikaru certainly would have some grounds to stand on to think that Ai never loved him if she let him down so suddenly without sufficient explanation.

But I want to go back to how Hikaru says that Ai never loved him. Aqua seems to think differently because of these DVDs, implying that Ai actually did love him. Hikaru certainly feels that Ai never loved him, despite the fact that the narrative is pointing in the opposite direction. Whether or not Ai actually loved him is irrelevant to the matter at hand because Hikaru himself wasn’t able to recognize that love. It doesn’t matter how much love another person can give another if that person isn’t able to recognize that love for what it actually is. Hikaru was unable to see through Ai’s lies in this instance and I don’t think that’s a mark against him.

While this is a case where I don’t think both parties can be at fault here—with Ai having difficulty with communicating intimacy and Hikaru’s own trauma rearing its head—that doesn't change the result of their story. Ai was unable to communicate whether or not she loved Hikaru clearly even knowing his tragic backstory and Hikaru was unable to recognize Ai’s behavior as love even as he knew that she had her own issues. Good communication is the bedrock in any relationship and two traumatized teenagers aren’t the best at it in an ideal scenario.

This is of course, assuming that Hikaru isn’t lying straight to Aqua’s face. But I doubt it, personally. He doesn’t have any reason to lie, and he’s already admitted that he thinks that he’ll be killed socially by this movie. Aqua basically already has Hikaru dead to rights here. It appears that everything that Hikaru’s done seems to be for some sense of closure. He wants to see Aqua’s rationale in making this movie in the first place.

I do have some issues with the fact that Aqua’s revenge plot seems to have pivoted to showing Hikaru that Ai loved him all along. While, sure, I can see the throughline that the writers wanted us to follow, it seems more than a bit strange for Aqua to suddenly be satisfied with merely letting Hikaru know that Ai actually loved him when he explicitly wanted to destroy Hikaru in the most painful way he knew how before he watched these DVDs. Does he really think that explaining this all to him will break him better? Or is he putting his revenge plot aside to fulfill Ai’s last wish? Perhaps this too will be explained in a flashback?

We also see how Aqua has been planning the movie throughout the movie arc for revenge but this recontextualization of his actions because of the DVDs is executed halfheartedly. We were primed to think that the movie was made to further Aqua’s revenge scheme but during the movie arc itself Aqua changed his mind on what the movie was going to do because of the DVDs. This behavioral shift from “Aqua making this movie to take revenge on Hikaru” and “Aqua is now making this movie to fulfill Ai’s last wish” doesn’t come across clearly. We don’t get to see the different directions that the movie took within production that makes it clear that Aqua’s objective has changed at all from after he watched the DVDs.

It could also be the case that Aqua thinks that Hikaru knowing that Ai really loved him all along and he killed her will break Hikaru better, but pulling that now when the trigger of the DVDs have already been pushed is just a cheap way for the manga to have its cake and eat it too when such a direction wasn’t properly built up beforehand. Aqua at the time wasn’t able to get a grasp on Hikaru’s character as an adult so he might’ve moved on from Ai’s death completely. If Hikaru didn’t approach Aqua with this interview he might’ve never known that Ai actually loved him though this movie. What was Aqua’s plan then? Just go up to Hikaru and straight up tell him after the movie premiered?

Of course, maybe some or all of my criticisms will be addressed in the later chapters. This is the final arc where everything gets wrapped up, after all. With all the lingering threads—Yura’s murder, Nino’s involvement with Hikaru, and arguably even how Hikaru masterminded Ai’s death—still in the air, I hope that we’ll get getting some satisfactory answers alongside some chapters that don’t make me want to dip everything written on the pages in red ink.

#oshi no ko #onk #onk analysis #oshi no ko analysis #onk spoilers #oshi no ko spoilers #onk 153 #chapter was a 4.5 out of 10 for me personally #and while i do realize it's a setup chapter as well #that doesn't excuse the piss poor quality of it all around

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bricommissions · 5 months ago

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hi, i’m sen (she/her, 25) and i’d like to request a genshin impact matchup!

my romantic preference is that everyone’s hot, please help. i’m a shortstack musical theater kid stuck in the body of an accountant. i love going down research rabbit holes; i enjoy solving problems and hunting down the misplaced puzzle piece that throws everything else out of balance. but i burn out very easily when doing that, and am actively trying to learn balance. i burn out easily in general, honestly. social engagements require a lot of recharge time in bed after.

i err on the side of politeness in social settings, but my sense of humor is so sardonic it generally comes across as too blunt. still, i try to keep my friends’ spirits lifted with bits and goofs. i also fluster easily and am probably very teasable, lmao.

this is probably more information than you needed/wanted, so i’ll leave two more nuggets: i love spicy food and iced coffee, and my love language is acts of service. i was going to leave three nuggets but couldn't come up with a third, which may be a nugget in and of itself :D

thank you so, so much in advance! we've dm'd recently, so please let me know if there's anything you need from me during the process!

hi hi dear friend sen !! thank you for commissioning me for a paid match-up ♡ your contribution to my writing career & helping me pay my bills means the world to me. thank you so much from the bottom of my heart ♡

DRUM ROLL, PLEASE . . .

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

YOUR MATCH IS : ZHONGLI !!

right away, i could see connections that would blossom between the two of you !! so for the sake of immersion, let's dive into this hypothetical scenario of you living in the world of teyvat ...

you're a traveler who likes to go from nation to nation, but liyue is the destination you travel to the most. you're paying the beautiful nation a visit, & everyone is happy to see you again. you enjoy third round knockout & their delectable beverages. after settling into an inn on the harbor, you immediately head there & order an iced coffee & a small appetizer of the spicy variety - two of your favorites !!

however, for the first time, there is someone sitting at your usual table that you don't recognize. it appears your schedules have finally lined up. this is where you first meet zhongli.

right away, you two hit it off. the conversations never seem to end & he is very curious to learn more about your travels. at one point, some regulars sit beside the both of you & politely tune in. the talk extends into the night ... one key thing you notice is that when you chime in with a rather blunt joke, no one laughs ... except when zhongli suddenly barks out a laugh, clearly a fan of your humor. judging by the reactions of the other tavern-goers, a laugh like this is rare. their faces are quite shocked. it's obvious he's laughing with you & not at you. it gets you a little flustered, but not in a negative way.

the two of you talk into the late hours of the night; long after everyone has left & third round knockout has closed. when the people on the street become fewer & fewer, you both realize it's time to go.

"allow me to walk you back in exchange for your wonderful company tonight, sen," zhongli would insist. & he does walk you back to the inn !! ... for reasons tooootttaaaallllyyyy unrelated, you decide to stay in liyue for a while longer.

what follows is you spending more & more time with zhongli. you take walks amongst liyue's breathtaking nature & solve ancient puzzles out in the wild; not so much for the treasure, but for the intellectual challenge your brilliant minds can team up for. whenever you feel that infamous sensation of burnout, you'll both sit in comfortable silence & enjoy the views ... yes, views ... zhongli is a very hot guy, after all.

he certainly finds you attractive, too. he has a faint blush on his cheeks whenever you're around. hu tao, who you meet in passing due to them being co-workers, is quick to point this out to you when he isn't looking with a wink & a nudge.

zhongli never expected to feel such a way for a mortal, & yet his heart races every time he thinks of you. he adores your focused expression when you speak with him about your research, or the passion in your eyes when you speak about your musical theater days.

on that fateful day when he approaches you with a bouquet of qingxins behind his back & a tender murmur of "sen..." —

well, i'll leave the rest up to your imagination !!

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

THANK YOU FOR READING !!

if you're the person that sent this & are unsatisfied with the results, feel free to shoot me an ask or dm !!

if you'd like to receive one of these yourself, PLEASE DM ME !! you can commission a match-up like this from any fandom for just $5 !!

( i did put a little more pizazz into this one because i was tipped, thank you sen ♡ )

if you liked my writing, please consider commissioning me !! i am in dire need of help with bills & buying myself a bed that doesn't kill my back & body. i offer writing commissions such as custom character x reader fics, oc x canon character fics, comfort character emails, ship fics, & more ♡

CHECK OUT MY PINNED POST !!!!

─── ･｡��☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

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tigrensis · 1 year ago

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Major Project: Stanpipe

I started creating my next LARP character, Stanpipe, in late 2021. He has had plenty of time to develop and be refined as my current character seems to be immune to death (I've been playing them for almost six years at this point). Stanpipe began as a thought, ‘I want to play a healer’, and has slowly been refined into the horrible little mushroom man he is today.

The costume, like the character, has gone through multiple iterations. I started by making a generic blanket cape, I hadn’t decided on the decay theme yet and instead, I was working on something simple to keep me warm at night. I embroidered dark blue blanket stitches around the edge and some beads on the edge worn around the neck. I also added some lavender embroidery to the front. I wanted to look non-threatening, I'm not a big fan of combat so I went with a softer look initially.

After a while I started to develop the idea of a mushroom-themed character, at events, I saw a lot of people making characters with mushroom aesthetics. These people were often going down the route of cute fey characters with fly agaric themed clothing. I like these costumes but they don’t appeal to me as something I'd wear. I’m not interested in representations of mushrooms that remove them from their context of decay and rot. I’m much more interested in a darker interpretation of a mushroom character. I have also completely flipped on the idea of looking non-threatening, I want to look scary, I want people to be nervous when I come to heal them, and I want to have fun whilst I'm doing it.

I settled on a core concept of a character who had once been a fey but had taken a nap in a forest one day. A few thousand years later he woke up, to find that he had been partially consumed by mushrooms, he had decayed whilst staying alive. There's a lot more I want to say about decay and how it relates to my identity and experiences. I would much rather give those thoughts a separate place to breathe.

The question of whether Stanpipe is the mushrooms, the original fey, or a mixture of both will never be answered. I want to leave this ambiguous for multiple reasons. The main reason is that there's no sense in having an overly written backstory as it does not impact what happens in the game, it can also be difficult to keep track of. Instead, I have a few key facts for my characters that I use to inform their actions and reactions.

My key facts for Stanpipe are:

He was a fey farmer in ancient history

He took a nap one day

He woke up like this

He knows nothing about anything

To match my costume to my character I ended up altering a straw boater and my already made blanket cloak. I used dried lichens that I had gathered after a storm to alter the hat and make it look taken over by nature. I'm still very happy with the hat and I’m looking forward to wearing it in character.

My blanket cloak I am less happy with my, I started by painting lichens onto the blanket using a mix of acrylic paints. I experimented a lot with texture and colour to varying degrees of success. Some of the lichens are too bright and I need to darken them in the future.

I also used real lichens on the shoulders with mushrooms sculpted out of clay. It looks nice in pictures but I quickly found that the lichens, which were living in this case, were difficult to maintain and would be extremely fragile when worn. This fragility would be made even worse by the fact that the LARP I attend is a boffer system meaning that I’d need to be able to move quickly and take hits. For now, I’ve decided to take off the lichens and mushrooms and will re-use them on other, more stable, projects.

To complete this costume there are still a few things left to do, I need to make shirts and trousers. The trousers are almost complete, they just need a waistband (I think I’ll turn the trousers into a separate post because I like them so much). Normally I would use one of the shirts I already own but because Stanpipe is decay-themed I want to be able to break down the shirts and make them look old and rotted. I wouldn’t want to do that to something that wasn’t built for it. It also means that I can make them look however I want, it can be hard sometimes to find a LARP kit that fits me well so I don’t want to buy something that does and then restrict it to being used by just one character.

I’m also starting on making some vests for the character to wear which I am going to go for it with the breakdown. One will be made of scuba suede which is a thick stretchy synthetic fabric with a pile. The other will be knitted from alpaca wool and will have tufts of felting wool knitted into it as I go, the goal is to create a mossy appearance. I’m going to be experimenting with growing plant life on them to see what sort of damage the root system does. I'm expecting some sort of staining at the least however I am currently sceptical about whether any damage will occur to the scuba suede because of how thick it is.

Here are some work-in-progress images from the trousers and the vests.

#First proper post hope you don't mind me rambling about my character for a bit. very excited to eventually finish this one but i'm not #going to rush it #costume design #larp #larp character #larp oc #larp stuff #knitting #sewing #fibre arts #lichens #mushrooms #embroidery #costume #Larp costume #trans artist #queer artist #lgbtq artist

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skzstoryvault · 6 months ago

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Pastel Crimes (fluff, comfort)

F!Reader x Chan

Chan and his wife attend the wedding of someone in her family.

This is in no way connected or meant to be a reflection of the real person Bang Chan.

This is pure fantasy. Everyone would envy whoever married Bang Chan, no matter who they were. I thought this would be a very juicy, satisfying scenario.

Since it's a white people wedding, expect some micro-aggressions and boomer racism. Reader's family is misogynistic towards her.

The story stops right as the smut starts.

The "you" used here is not generic, I'm using it to allow myself some immersion on later re-reads. I know that's selfish but isn't all the writing advice telling us to write what we want to read? If you still find something in here to like, all the better - I hope you enjoy it and have a good time.

Please be kind.

Please do not report this post. If it's not your thing, just scroll away.

If you're underage, please scroll on, there is nothing for you here.

***

“Your old aunt called me an oriental,” Chan says, causing a shiver of dread to go down your spine.

“She what now?!” You splutter. “Fuck me, she hit the bottle again, because when she’s sober she at least keeps her mouth shut. I’m really sorry, Channie. I… There’s really nothing that excuses it.” “You have nothing to apologise for. Old white people are racist and have no filter, but I knew that. I’ve been called worse.” “And at a wedding, too. See? This is why I never go to these things. I mean, on top of all of my family insisting that I’m gay and unemployed despite all evidence pointing to the contrary. Every time we all meet it’s just… this shit.” “Hey, you’re doing great navigating this. And I’m having fun. The food is great, there’s some nice folks our age around and the bride and groom are lovely.” He says, amused. He’s a way better, classier person than you are, because you are ready to go out there and start a fight. “Besides, it’s nice to not be the centre of attention for a bit." "You know, calling me oriental the way people refer to those skinny long cats who pile together and meow your head off… that was kind of cute.” Chan carries on. “She saw us playing with the flower girls earlier and she asked me why I hadn’t put a couple of those in you yet. And why we’re married, if not to fuck with impunity. Something your sister and BIL also asked, in a less direct way. I guess they do believe you’re gay and I’m somehow just a very charitable friend who agreed to be your full time beard?” Mortification steals your breath, you want to say so much and nothing seems an adequate first reaction so you just gasp and hiss. “Channie- “ You start, feeling on the brink of tears. This is why you are low, low contact with your family. They openly told you you could do better, way better than your husband. He’s not tall enough. Not pretty enough, not rich enough, not white, and they just know all your kids would look fully Asian because the Korean gene would totally drown out the white one. You, on the other hand, know there is no better husband than Chan. He’s hot as all hell, is fiercely protective of you and, most importantly, he loves and genuinely sees an equal in you. You’re best friends and support each other through everything, and you genuinely enjoy each other’s company even ten years after getting married. The name thing is also a point of contention. You both kept your own surnames, since in Korea women don’t take the husband’s family name. But to your family, that’s just further proof you’re just married for the tax break and to dispel all allegations of you being gay.

“I think it’s grand,” Chan continues. “They just don’t know you and never bothered to, and I think for that crime, they deserve to never be taken off the low information diet. You’d think that for being an only child, you’d be more loved. Like Hyunjin. His parents worship the ground he walks on.” “Hyunjin was a wanted child. And notably, a boy.” You say, sighing. “I’ve been justifying my existence since I was plopped out onto this Earth. Always asking for permission and apologising for daring to exist and wanting to do anything.”

“You’re the treasure beneath my exploded church,” Chan says, referencing a book you gave him around the beginning of your relationship. Paulo Coelho’s The Alchemist. “I’m so happy I got to know you and had the exceptional wisdom to make you my wife. Your family doesn't deserve you.”

Family. This was a big theme all along the eleven years you’ve known each other. Chan having the seven members and viewing them as his actual children because he was and still is responsible for them. Them seeing him as their dad and cheekily testing his authority, but never his love.

You somehow ending up not as a mom figure, but acting as a consigliere to Chan, like in a mafia hierarchy. His members now respect and love you just as much as they do their leader.

“You and the members are my family. And I don’t care that we’re atypical and not the usual dad, mom and bio kids deal.” You say. “All of my older relatives and even my parents, they’ve been married for a lifetime but they can’t stand each other. They are just too scared to leave because divorce is lawyers and court and hassle and for the women, poverty. So they do not get to judge our relationship or you.”

“Come here, baby. Real close.” Chan whispers, opening his arms. “Channie’s gonna make it all good.”

You blush. Even after all this time, his comforting voice and freely offered hugs work on you like a charm.

He enfolds you in his arms and brings you even closer to him, glueing you to his front and guiding your head to one of his shoulders, placing a dry kiss to your neck and sighing. It’s from this close that you feel it- “Chris? What’s the occasion?” You ask, lifting your head to look into his eyes. What could have given him a hard-on right now? It can’t have been the racism or the dysfunctional family interactions.

“Uh- I-” He starts, folding an arm up and scratching the back of his neck. It’s one of his tells for when he’s nervous or embarrassed. “I haven’t told you just how hot you look in this dress. I’ve been managing a semi all day.” “Never change. God, please never change.” You say, shifting so you can kiss him. “You look smoking hot in the three piece suit too. Been wanting to tear you out of it in one of the upstairs bedrooms.”

You know he doesn’t believe you when you say he looks beautiful and hot in any outfit he puts on. But he’s grateful you’re always thinking of having your way with him, despite his lingering insecurities. Those aren’t just easily dissolved with a compliment or two. And it’s honest every time. He insisted you straighten his hair and he styled it the way company stylists used to for going on stage. He wore thin gold rim glasses instead of contacts to be comfortable and the suit he got matches with your dress. Both suit and dress are a vibrant chicory blue and he wore a white shirt with the first two buttons open and a midnight blue and gold pocket square. In your eyes, he outshone the groom, and the bride too, although you both fit into the dress code. But he cannot help being the hottest man at every gathering because he’s your husband and everyone is always drawn to him. Which is why you’re always thanking your luckiest stars for him. “You look amazing in the suit. And you looked even better when you took off the jacket to play with the kids. I was drooling watching you, and my sister thought I was looking at the kids and wanting some. I didn’t have the heart to tell her what I was thinking at the time.” You say, amused at the memory. “I wish she would get off your back. Other than your old aunt with no filter, everyone else is giving me zero stress about kids. It’s not fair you get all the pressure and I get none. But I get why.”

“Eh. In one ear, out the other.” You say. “I’ve been wanting to get you out of this suit all day.” He’s already undressing, careful but still hurrying. "Don't rush, baby, that's Valentino." You say, unzipping your dress and letting it fall to the floor, which leaves you in just a tiny string panty. “We do have the time.” He says, looking very affected by the sight of you. “By the time anyone misses us, we’ll be back.” “Don’t sell yourself short, Channie. You know I’m never done with you and you can go on for ages.” “Yeah, good point. Well, I hope they don’t come looking for us then.”

"It wouldn't be the worst if they did." You point out, taking his hand and pulling him close. "Might put those gay allegations to rest." He giggles. "According to Andrew Tate it's gay to have sex with your wife any time it doesn't result in a baby." Chan scoffs, clutching invisible pearls in mock- outrage. "Oh no! Turns out we were both gay this whole time!" He says, right before you two exchange a look and dissolve into giggles.

#fluff #married to bang chan #comfort #implied naughties #bang chan fluff

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amphoterrible · 10 months ago

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some background information

What am I doing? Why, I'm re-watching House, M.D. as a whole-ass pharmacist and taking meticulous notes!

I’m only going to focus on when House, M.D. gets something about medication just wildly wrong. I’m not going to be like “why are the chest compressions so slow” or “would Chase really be inserting that temporary transcutaneous pacer at the beside wouldn’t they want to do that in the EP lab” or anything else along those lines. I am but a humble pharmacist.

Hydrocodone/acetaminophen (APAP), the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA), and the Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA)

This is going to be interesting because House aired from November 16, 2004 to May 21, 2012 and there are two things that come to mind for me: 1) The U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) asked drug manufacturers to reduce the strength of acetaminophen in combination acetaminophen products to 325 mg in 2011(1) and 2) hydrocodone combination products were still scheduled as schedule III by the Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA).(2) Hydrocodone combination products weren’t rescheduled to schedule II until 2014. Schedule III prescriptions are a lot easier to write and fill than schedule II prescriptions. A lot of the legal nuance varies by state and I am not going to read New Jersey pharmacy statutes, thank you very MUCH I barely passed every Multistate Pharmacy Jurisprudence Examination (MPJE) I’ve ever taken. Back to the Vicodin. So how am I going to know exactly what formulation of Vicodin House was consuming?

I really don’t care about the hydrocodone component of it. There is no ceiling to an opioid, it’s whatever the patient can tolerate it. (Well technically there is too much to give but you have to look at if the patient is used to taking opioids or not don’t just slam someone with 10 mg of IV Dilaudid you know what I’m saying.) And if they don’t tolerate it give them some naloxone. And patients with chronic pain can tolerate a lot of opioids. Was Vicodin an appropriate opioid for House? No! But it was less regulated! And the threat of liver failure is dramatic! But Oxycontin would make more sense – Wilson’s an oncologist, he would be prescribing it all the time! Cancer hurts! Antineoplastics hurt! Oxycontin was the most widely abused prescription opioid in the United States in 2004(3), right when House started airing. But no, it’s Vicodin. The writers chose Vicodin for a reason. I’m going to let the art flow over me. We’re sticking with Vicodin. Or, hydrocodone/APAP because Abbott isn’t paying me to do this.

I worked in an independent retail pharmacy my first year of pharmacy school (which was 2010 before I realized I do not have a poker face to deal with the general public and immediately started working in a hospital), and I vaguely remember there being way too many formulations of hydrocodone/APAP. Hydrocodone/APAP has a few brand names: Vicodin, Norco, and Lortab. I usually say Norco because it’s the easiest. (I actually say hydrocodone/acetaminophen because I’m an asshole.) I found this email(4) sent by Abbott in October 2012 that discussed the newly reformulated Vicodin®, Vicodin ES®, and Vicodin HP®, which is handy since it lists the old formulations too:

Vicodin®

Hydrocodone 5 mg/acetaminophen 500 mg

Vicodin ES®

Hydrocodone 7.5 mg/acetaminophen 750 mg

Vicodin HP®

Hydrocodone 10 mg/acetaminophen 660 mg

Who the fuck puts 750 mg of acetaminophen in one tablet? That limits the patient to five tablets in 24 hours. We’ve known the maximum dose of acetaminophen is 4000 mg since the 1970s. What the fuck, Abbott.

(Matthew Mercer Voice) How Do You Want To Do This?

So, like, I guess I’ll just count the tablets I see House consuming and then calculate the total daily dose of acetaminophen for each Vicodin formulation? I feel like I can do total acetaminophen dosage based on episodes versus trying to keep track of the days. The timeline of this show is wonky and like once you hit the toxic dose you’re there so? Also, sometimes he takes more than one and it’s hard to hear the tablets like, clink against his teeth or whatever. Sparkle on! We’ll do our best. I was going to put this in an Excel spreadsheet but I just remembered I am a pharmacist and I cannot function in Excel.

Let’s talk about the mechanism of liver toxicity and treatment of acetaminophen overdose if we hit significant toxicity. Wouldn’t it be funny if we didn’t?? That would result in me rambling about House M.D. for pages and pages and he doesn’t even get hypothetical liver failure. Is this fanfiction? Am I writing really weird fanfiction? Anyways significant toxicity occurs if you hit 150 mg/kg of acetaminophen.(5) How much does Gregory House weigh?? Let’s give him a range: 160-180 pounds (73-82 kg). Fairly average, actually. So House’s toxic dose of acetaminophen is likely 10,950 mg to 12,300 mg. Let’s say lower range is 22 tablets of Vicodin®, 15 tablets of Vicodin ES®, 17 tablets of Vicodin HP® and the upper range is 25 tablets of Vicodin®, 17 tablets of Vicodin ES®, and 19 tablets of Vicodin HP®.

References

Department of Health and Human Services. Food and Drug Administration. Prescription drug products containing acetaminophen; actions to reduce liver injury from unintentional overdose. Federal Register. 2011;76(10):2691-2697.

Seago S, Hayek A, Pruszynski J, Newman MG. Change in prescription habits after federal rescheduling of hydrocodone combination products. Proc (Bayl Univ Med Cent). 2016; 29:268-270.

Zee AV. The promotion of marketing of OxyContin: commercial triumph, public health tragedy. Am J Public Health. 2009;99:221-227.

Abbott. Newly reformulated Vicodin® launch announcement. https://www.uspharmacist.com/email/ecf1248.html. Accessed January 8, 2024.

Hendrickson RG. Acetaminophen. In: Nelson LS, Howland M, Lewin NA, Smith SW, Goldfrank LR, Hoffman RS, eds. Goldfrank's Toxicologic Emergencies, 11e. McGraw-Hill; 2019:486-499.

#house md #hate crimes md #house rewatch 2024 #I'm halfway through season 1 this is going to take A Bit #so please bear with me #but here's some background ramblings #I'll make a pinned post and have links to each season #so I am ~*~organized~*~

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scottxlogan · 2 years ago

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Random thoughts...

Not to be a downer on anyone these days, but I’ve been thinking lately and I have to ask for what feels like the millionth time. What is with people not wanting to interact with others on the internet in fandom especially content creators?

Putting this under the cut because I know not everyone wants to read my thoughts here, but like fandom just feels so bleak lately. Don’t get me wrong I have a few really great fandom friends who are so supportive and I adore them so very much. They are what help me navigate through the fandom waters here, but for the most part it’s a silent place these days.

Now don’t get me wrong I can honestly say that I feel very blessed because I have a significant amount of followers here on Tumblr. I started off in a rare fandom and through the years on here have gained a following where I appreciate each one of you who have taken to following me. I do, but my complaint is about fandom in general as a whole and the lack of connection. I get we live in a day in age where people binge content and move on without giving it a second look, but like I don’t get how on here when people like something they don’t reblog or at least like it. Same goes for AO3. If you take the time to read a fic, it would be nice if you actually I don’t know...leave a kudos or some kind of response. I know I’ve been down this rant road a few times already and it probably feels old, but it is still happening.

People who create content whether it be art, animations, fic, etc. pour a LOT of energies into it. Even if we tell you it was nothing, the truth is it was something. It was time spent away from being somewhere else, doing something else in the hopes of sharing our creative inspirations and really hoping that you like what we put out there. Sure, we love what we do, but we also kind of hope you love it too because when we do it and you love it, we want to do it more! A good positive round of feedback is enough to motivate some really wonderful things in the universe and that’s what I think most content creators are hoping for.

The problem is that lately the only people who are giving any kind of response are those who tell you to go away, to offer up other trigging content to creators that I won’t put out into the universe in their cruelty and just being so horribly mean that a lot of creators just turn away or stop altogether because they believe that’s all that is out there. It’s a very disheartening cycle because when someone who creates content is only hearing those kind of things it makes you question if you should still be doing it. I mean I’m not going to lie, I’ve even considered stepping away from doing some fandom things like writing stories because while I notice there are some hits the kind of comments I’m getting are filled with so much hate and hurtful things that I have to question why i keep putting myself through the agony of it all. I mean yes, I love doing what I do, but at the same continually getting cut down doesn’t motivate a person to want to be continuing only to keep getting back up to get knocked down again.

Now, I know people are shy and maybe a part of them are afraid if they like/comment/reblog something that it could come back to them in real life and fandom is not a part of their offline life. This I get too. I really do and on places like Tumblr sure okay, yeah I mean if you’re worried it could cause you issues or some kind of harm by engaging, then for sure you shouldn’t have to, but on a place like AO3 where guests can leave comments/likes in most instances without having to supply real life information and out themselves as engaging an author, I don’t see why people don’t do it. I understand being socially awkward and shy. In real life I’m a HUGE introvert with social anxiety. I pretend really well that I’m okay, but I’m not the portrait of confidence and extroverted like some others are. I never have been. Writing is a way of expressing myself and allowing my voice to be heard in a lot of ways where as in the real world I don’t often have that opportunity to do that. Being creative is a comfort and something that makes me feel better in a lot of ways, but again being met by hate all the time is draining. Sure, I have set comments to moderation in some cases and it has been a life saver in a lot of ways, but at the same time I have to question why the feedback I’m getting is just pure hatred instead of positive responses. Like for me it just doesn’t make any sense. If you’re shy, you don’t have to write an author a thesis about why you liked something, but even something as simple as a positive icon can make someone’s day. It’s as simple as that and it doesn’t out you as a fan to those you don’t want to see it nor would an author be angry with you offering a simple response. Trust me it will make their day. It makes mine when I see any kind of positive response, so I can guarantee it does that for others too.

As I said earlier I started in a rare fandom and maybe that was good for me because in doing so I stepped into a close knit community. I was nervous at first that they wouldn’t accept me and felt out of place until I found that the fandom ‘greats’ were welcoming me in with open arms and being kind and supportive even when we all didn’t have exactly the same interests. It was a fun time to be in fandom, but time has passed and most of that fandom has moved on or transitioned to the new version of fandom where if you’re not a part of the ‘popular’ crew then you’re not really noticed in general. Even in joining newer fandoms I see a lot of newbies aren’t welcomed into the fold but rather shunned for daring to step into a fandom that already has an established community. In my first days in fandom if someone new came around we welcomed them with open arms and offered to give them the grand tour, but now it’s more of a ‘don’t get in my way’ attitude and that’s really sad. That community feel just isn’t there anymore. I realize I’m rambling all over the place, but I’ve been thinking it for a while.

Odds are not many people are reading this at this point, so I can be plainly honest about things. My first love fandom was a wonderful one with so many rewarding experiences where I was the newbie that was embraced and welcomed to the community. We all wanted more content because it was so rare and when we got it, we were all happy to have those things. It was a great day when there was a new fic or a new piece of art and a celebration of fandom. However, right now that fandom is quiet and those still lingering around have gone in new directions. I, too, have gone in different directions and in doing so I haven’t really found that steady landing place that I had when I was a kid hopping in here on fandom. The new factions of fandom just don’t feel as welcoming or open to being supportive in the ways the old did as it feels more like a popularity contest or a means of turning art into a living, which I have three art degrees so I get it. It’s important to do what you love and make money doing it, but at the same time fandom is also supposed to be fun and a way to connect and I feel like a lot is lost in that aspect of things. In the last month I’ve gotten a few comments from my regular fandom friends but beyond that I’ve received more hate and criticism from people who hate the fandom I’m in or in some cases people in the fandom who are influencers who can’t say something positive beyond criticizing for a different vision than what they had. Those things are kind of disheartening and I guess in writing this I don’t really know where I stand on fandom. The other day i was ready to throw in the towel, feeling like my voice isn’t being heard and really if it is, no one is saying otherwise. I feel like maybe no one wants to see/hear/read/enjoy what I just spend hours doing like maybe I’m wasting everyone else’s time along with my own and that’s when fandom feels like a lonely road where you’re traveling on it with no sense of direction. I don’t know... I’ve been thinking about that for a while and lately it kind of sits in my brain a lot longer than it used to. I guess I just miss the days of fans taking the time to form friendships and actually talk about the things they love without making other people feel unwelcome. A little return to community would be nice.

#fandom talk #missing fandom community #fandom etiquette #fandoms #content creation #quiet fandoms #my thoughts #missing a fandom community

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puffpasstea · 2 years ago

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A/N: Part 1 of this request is below! Enjoy and please let me know what you think/ what you wanna see next!

warnings: angst.

——

The sound of my phone vibrating against the surface of the coffee table interrupted my thoughts and brought me back to the room. I leaned forward to peak at the caller ID. MITCH ROWLAND flashed across the screen. I hesitated for a moment, wondering if taking this call is the best idea right now. I cleared my throat and wiped my tear and makeup stained face with the sleeve of my sweater.

“H-hello?” My voice still sounded hoarse despite my best efforts.

“Hi Alice. How’s it going?” Mitch’s signature smooth voice sounded from the other end of the line. He was making pleasant small talk but it was difficult for me to focus as my mind wandered to why he might be calling or what Harry might have told him. “Sorry to call so late.” It hadn’t occurred to me that it was late. I didn’t realize how much time had gone by since Harry had stormed out of here hours ago. “Just wanted to let you know that, umm, Harry’s alright. And he’s, uhh- here. With me. With us.”

Mitch paused for a moment, as if waiting for me to respond to the information. He spoke again when I said nothing “He- he didn’t say anything. About what’s going on, I mean. All I got is that you guys are fighting, and, umm, that he hasn’t told you where he is, so- anyway, I just thought you might want to know he’s safe.” Another pause. I still remained quiet. At a loss. “Seemed like he’d been drinking, so, he’ll stay the night here.”

“Th-thanks for letting me know, Mitch.” I mustered, sounding hollow and cold.

“Of course.”

I heard some faint whispering behind him. Someone next to him was saying something that I couldn’t quite make out and then Mitch informed me that Sarah wanted to speak to me.

“Hey, Alice!” She chirped, her usual cheerful smile clear in her voice. “Just wanted to check in. Make sure you’re alright. If you don’t feel like being alone in that big house tonight, I can come over?”

That was generous of her to offer, but not surprising. Mitch and Sarah had embraced and welcomed me into their lives unreservedly. Though i doubt that my appreciation has always been clear - I still struggled to accept kindness- it really did mean a lot to me that Harry’s friends took me in. And, in this moment, it was also a relief to know that I could still count on them, even when Harry and I weren’t on good terms.

“It’s okay.” I squeaked, clearing my throat and trying to sound calm. “I think I’m just gonna go to bed actually. But thanks for calling, Sarah. Really.”

“Of course! I’m just a call away if you change your mind, okay?”

***

What I’d told Sarah was the truth. I’d fully intended on going straight to sleep. But, as I lay there, in the bed that Harry and I shared, his side of the mattress cold and empty, remnants of his scent flooding my senses every time I turned too close to his pillow, sleep eluded me. Harry and I had fought before, but not like this. The things we’d said to each other, the frustrations that we’d revealed, it all seemed much bigger than the two of us. Everything seemed so impossible. We’d hit a wall. Talked in circles. Neither one of us knowing how to move closer to other other. As overwhelming as it all felt, I should’ve seen this coming. The past few months have been rocky for us. We’d tried to power through it, sweep things under the rug, move on from any bumps in the road as quickly as possible in the name of letting go, or making allowances for one another’s imperfections. Whether it’s denial or cowardice, I didn’t want to admit to myself, much less to him, that deep down, my gut was telling me something wasn’t right with us. And if I felt that way, I’m sure he must have felt it too. I wished I could go back to when it all first started, to the first inkling that we weren’t doing well, and fix it right away. Not let it get this bad. It was too late now. We were too far down this spiral.

I tried to go back, in my mind, to better memories. Seek comfort in the good times that we’d had. Tell myself that this was just a setback. That we’d bounce right back and find our way to each other again. But, as I thought about the tender moments of our relationship, about all the good times, and the hard times, that we’d been through; about the Harry that I first fell in love with, it all seemed like a distant past. We’re not these people anymore. I could no longer recognize the Harry who’d held me through the hardest nights, whose simple touch communicated the love that he didn’t need to say, but he’d say it anyway. The man who’d bring me flowers just because, or little presents from all around the world because he’d seen something somewhere and it reminded him of me, the person who always seemed to be listening to my wildest, most ridiculous thoughts, and always seemed to remember even the most insignificant details about me- even the silly fleeting things that I’d forgotten ever sharing with him. The Harry that I once knew was brave, open, vulnerable. His instinct was to connect in the face of difficulty. He’d never shut me out, he’d never hold resentment in his heart, not even for a second. That Harry seemed long gone. The person who’d walked out of our home earlier, well, he was someone else. Someone I don’t think I know at all. We’d changed too much, too fast, without either one of us noticing. Our history felt like just that: history. How’d we get here? I missed him. But only the real him. I didn’t want the version of him that had been so unforgiving these past few week. I was glad that guy wasn’t here tonight. If I had to fall asleep right next to him and feel so cold and alone for one more night, I think I’d have lost my mind.

Feeling the ache in my chest burn again, I reached over across the bed and grabbed his pillow, hugging it to my body and inhaling his lingering scent to feel him around me. My tear stains on his pillowcase alarmed me. I worried they’d erase him. Take over his presence. I worried I’d have nothing left of him if I wasn’t careful to preserve it, so I quickly let go and turned to the other side, hating myself. Hating that I even felt this way. That he had that kind of power over me. That his love had so consumed every fiber of my being to the point where I felt dysfunctional without him.

***

I squinted as the sunlight hit my eyes and brought my arms to wrap over my chest in the chili winter air. A faint smile threatened to run across my face as I watched two dogs and their owners play around the park.

“Hiya!” Sarah sprinted towards me, pushing her kid in a stroller in front of her.

I forced myself to smile politely at her, and I got up off the bench to help carry some of her stuff. She’d brought up coffee and breakfast. She was nothing if not a thoughtful friend.

“There’s some sugar packets in the bag if you want.” She settled herself right next to me on the bench as I reached into the strolled to pick up her baby and carry him into my lap.

“Hiii little buddy. Are you having a nice morning?” I gave him a kiss on his soft cheek.

Sarah giggled at my baby voice as she sipped on her coffee. “So, it’s been a few days. How’ve you been?”

Her question seemed innocent enough, but I knew it was loaded with intention.

“I’m alright.” I said simply, looking off into the distance, avoiding her scrutinizing gaze.

“Yeah?” I could sense her studying my face closely.

We’d milked every safe subject for all it’s possibilities until we finally ran out of things to talk about. I was caught up on all the band gossip, future plans, Mitch’s home renovation projects that he had no attention span to follow through on. I told her about my students, my ideas for the next semester. The conversation fell into a lull. We made little observations about her baby boy’s fascination with the dogs and trees and passersby in between silences. Until Sarah broke the unspoken rule and addressed the elephant in the room. “Harry’s hanging in there, by the way.” She simply blurted out.

“I didn’t ask.”

She pretended not to hear me. “Wouldn’t say he’s doing too well though. He mostly just sleeps all day. Locked himself in our guest bedroom. Don’t think he’s showered since he came to stay with us. Starting to smell a bit.”

“Sarah, I know what you’re doin-“

“He misses you, Alice.”

“What, he told you that?” My response came I hurt sharper than I’d intended. There was no need to snap at her. It wasn’t Sarah’s fault Harry and I were in a bad place.

“He doesn’t need to, Alice. He loves you. You know he does.”

“Not so sure about that anymore…”

“Oh, don’t be ridiculous! You two are- well, you’re his Matilda. He writes songs about you!”

“He also writes songs about fruits and orgasms and blow jobs.”

Sarah simply rolled her eyes, refusing to acknowledge my response with words.

“The fruits are metaphors and you know it.” She tried again after a moment of silence. “I mean, you’re the literary scholar.”

I stared forward, sipping my coffee aggressively.

“He strums his guitar in the middle of the night sometimes. I think it’s because he can’t sleep.”

“Sarah-“

“He’s also been drinking a lot the past couple of days. Crying too. I think he doesn’t know Mitch and I can hear him sometimes. But, we get up with the baby, and-“

“I’m sorry he’s such a lousy house guest, I really am. But, I’m sure if you talked to him about it, he’d cut it out.”

“That’s not what I’m saying. Alice, whatever’s going on between you two, it’s hurting him just as much as I’m sure it’s hurting you.”

I felt tears stinging my eyes at her words. I leaned forward and put the baby back in his stroller. I didn’t want him to see or feel the emotions that were quickly rising to the surface of my body. The images of Harry that Sarah’s story conjured up in my mind broke my heart to pieces. Of course it hurt to think about him like that. I hated the idea that he was in pain, even worse, that I was the reason for his pain. But I couldn’t help but think that we wouldn’t be here right now if he’d acted differently, if he hadn’t hurt me. If there were any room at all for us to be on the same page again.

“Babe, I’m not saying any of this to hurt you.” Sarah’s voice was soft, concern itched into her face. She’d noticed the silent tears that I’d been trying to avoid. She wrapped and arm around my shoulders, pulling me towards her. “I- I was just trying to say… maybe talk to him?”

I sniffled and wiped my tears with the back of my hand harshly, shaking my head. “He’ll, umm, he’ll be fine eventually. He’ll get over it.”

Sarah was speechless. She simply sighed, leaning her head against my shoulder and rubbing my back. We stayed like that for several minutes as I occasionally blinked away a few stray tears and tried to calm down. Just as I felt myself able to breathe again, something flashed across my sight. In the glare of the sunlight, I thought I saw someone.

I’d recognize his gait, his walk, the ragged black hoodie and his sweatpants anywhere. I could feel Harry’s presence encroaching as he made his way across the field. Instantly, my blood ran cold.

“Unbelievable.” I muttered, pushing Sarah off of me.

“What?” She seemed taken aback and confused by my sudden stiffness. “What’s wrong, Alice? What?”

“You invited him here??!”

“Who? Invited who?” Sarah’s eyes followed my own, she turned her head to see what I was looking at.

“Him!” My heartbeat drummed inside my chest, I could practically hear it in my ears as Harry got closer.

“I- I swear I didn’t! He wasn’t even awake when I left this morning. Alice, I promise!”

Well, he was here now.

As he closed the distance between us, I could see him clearly now. His chipped nail polish, the rings missing from his fingers, the dark circles under his eyes, his hair a disheveled mess. The closer he got, the harder it got to breathe. I was suffocating from the inside out, my lungs felt like they were running out of air.

He’d finally reached our park bench, taking a quick glance at me and then looking down at his feet.

“H-“ he attempted to speak but his voice sounded broken. He cleared his throat and tried again. “H-hello.” His eyes still downcast.

“Harry- what are you- how’d you find us?” Sarah spoke quickly, clearly as surprised by his sudden appearance as I was.

“Umm, well, Mitch said you’d gone to see Alice, and, I knew since you took the baby-“

“Fuckin Mitch.” Sarah mumbled. She turned to me, “Alice, I’m so sorry.”

I wanted to respond. To tell her that it wasn’t her fault, but I felt paralyzed from my head to my toes. I couldn’t take my eyes off of Harry. He looked so broken, a hollow shell of the man I knew him to be. My first instinct was to want to hug him tightly against me. But I worried that if I got my hands on him I might also want to kick his ass. I was so angry, so hurt, but I’d missed him so much that seeing him felt good as well.

Harry, on the other hand, seemed to be avoiding my sight like the plague. He made absolutely sure to look in every direction but mine.

I swallowed, but my throat was dry. “Why- why’d you come here, Harry?” I finally broke the silence.

“I- well, I miss-“ he attempted to look at me as he spoke but the moment our eyes met, he went silent. Looking away again, “could we….talk?”

Sarah subtly nudged me, but I made no reply.

“W-walk with me? Please, Alice?” Hearing my name from his lips broke my resolve. I stood up and reluctantly went to walk beside him.

Harry made an attempt to reach for my hand, but I quickly moved to cross my arms over my chest.

“S-sorry. Umm. We’ll just walk.” He mumbled, kicking a small rock in front of him.

“You smell like a distillery. Jesus, Harry, it’s barely even 10 in the morning.”

“Yeah…”

***

We walked around the park in circles for a while. Our attempts at talking things out seemed similarly cyclical. Nothing had changed. He was stubbornly unwilling to admit to his part in any of this, insisting that I just don’t get it. That I keep doubting his affection for me. That I need to just move past things. And I was growing increasingly frustrated by his inability to understand where I was coming from, why I believe he’d changed, and I was baffled that he doesn’t see how different things are between us now. When Sarah walked up to us to check in about a half hour later, we were standing opposite one another. Harry, once again, refusing to look into my eyes as tears fell from his eyes onto his shoes. Me, yet again, unable to tear my gaze away from his shrinking face.

“S-so, what now?” He mumbled.

“Guess, I’ll pack my stuff in the next couple of days.” I spoke, tears now running down my face too.

“Alice-“ his voice a mere whisper. “I love you.”

“I’ll text you when I’m out so you can come home. Just g-give me time to find somewhere to stay. Okay?”

I felt Sarah’s mouth move, as if to say something. But she was stunned into silence.

“It’s your home too. Our home. Stay, Alice. We can-“

“I love you too, Harry. But I don’t think there’s a ‘we’ anymore.” I said, sobbing into my hands. We stood there for a while. Neither one of us wanting to be the first one to walk away.

Finally, I reached over and pulled him into a tight hug. Harry’s arms instantly wrapped around me, squeezing me impossibly closer to him until we were chest to chest, no room for even a breath in either of us. I inhaled as best I could, taking as much of him in as possible, my fingers in his hair, my face buried into his neck. I couldn’t help myself, I locked my lips to his. A final kiss goodbye.

As our lips touched, Harry’s tears fell again, staining both our faces. He slumped against me, leaning his whole body weight against mine. I held him for a moment, and for that moment, I considered just taking back everything I’d said, throwing away and erasing everything that had got us here, and just going back home with his arms in mine. It would be so much better and easier if we could just decide to go back to the way things were. But it was this kind of thinking that had got us here in the first place. Simply ignoring our differences whenever they came up, until they were too big and too difficult to magically disappear.

“Take care of yourself, Harry.” I said, untangling my body from him and feeling his iron grip on me stubbornly refusing to loosen.

I hated that he was doing this. I hated that he was making me be the one to walk away, but I knew that if I didn’t, we’d stay frozen in that moment forever.

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