#also I started ADHD meds recently so I suspect that has something to do with it

[malcolm-reeds-pineapple]

My long distance bestie face timed me last night with her new man (who notably was tripping on shrooms) and we did what we normally do which is talk about The Characters. At one point I kind of forgot her man was there and showed off my White Man Wrapped 2023 spreadsheet and started going over it. Anyway this dude who was high as god on shrooms is listening to this and definitely asked me a few times if I was autistic which no I just like data however what ended up throwing him off the most was finding out that over the year I’d written a grand total of about 460k words of fanfic this year. To me I was like I mean yeah sometimes u just gotta u know? But then he went and googled how many words are in the fucking bible and dragged me through the fucking coals. Anyway did you guys know there’s only like 770k words in the bible?

[pi3ce0fme4t]

t///w : s3xual abvse, substance abvse, severe trauma, csa? maybe technically i was a minor for all of it.

i just want him to d!3 quite frankly. how the fuck do you get away with r*ping so many people multiple times? why are we all so terrified to go to the police and maybe just maybe get justice.

it took me A YEAR to finally tell someone what you actually did to me, what actually happened during sex and they said dude that is r*pe. it was some of the most excruciatingly painful information i had to finally process and accept. looking back , obviously it’s r*pe when someone says ‘ please stop doing that it hurts me i don’t like it’ and they say ‘ i don’t care i like it’ and then continue to do it. something along those lines happened more than once with my ex. after awhile you just fucking give up. during that relationship i was abvsing my adhd meds and i did like tiny amounts of c0ke along with drinking occasionally and taking sm rips everyday and vaping and whatever else i could get my hands on really. i was high on two or three diff things everyday , and switching it up everyday some weeks. i was doing all of that to cope with so much trauma already + bpd n cptsd n a bunch of other shit while actively being abvsed. i’d like to say that after we broke that was the end of it but nah. it just got worse and worse. d34th thre4ts, thr34ts of harm, transphobia. he harassed me for months after i broke up with him and posted ab me. even when i wasn’t also harassing him a little bit telling him he was horrible bc he also emotionally abvsed me and i recognized that and i just couldn’t let it go. he’s also a l0ser and it made me feel better to make fun of him. almost a year after we broke up i made the mistake of trying to f him again idk why. he ended up SAing me for revenge for cheating on him n another ex apparently even tho that ex hated him and b34t him up for doing that to me. i’d also like to state that he literally cheated on me way more than the one time i kind of did ??? i also had constant utis and i pissed blood clots twice ! it took 3 rounds of antibiotics to find a good one , a strong enough one to fix it. everyone else that’s been with him has also gotten a uti or something or other or suspect it. he cheats on everyone, he gives people stis bc he refuses to wear a condom and will just r*pe you if you refuse to do it without one or he will coerce you. he violently assaulted me and i was too ashamed and afraid to go to the police. instead i went back to school. i called one of my besties at the time and told them what happened bc i wasnt even sure at first if he had assaulted me. even tho i said stop three different times, and i was very afraid and he hurt me. i was already afraid bc he started choking me while kissing me and was very aggressive and i told him to stop and he did and then he did what he did. and then later through text he said he didn’t hear me say stop even tho during he said again ‘ but i like it’ basically. ( actually he fucking said ‘ but i like head pushing then shoved my head onto his dick again for the second time ! ) it makes me feel physically ill. i couldn’t sleep in my own bed slot of night after it first happened. or i didn’t want to leave it because it was the only place that was safe but it was also so unsafe bc i just would have flashbacks of shit that happened and just not sleep bc i was terrified of nightmares.

a few months later is when i started to find other victims. i reached out to his most recent h ex at the time and she told me terrible things that are not my business to share at all. at the time i had gotten into a weird sexual relationship with a guy and he had sa’d me three times and then continued to essentially abvse me online thru video n text under the guise of fwb and kink ( he’s also a fucking ch!ld m0lestor but i didn’t now that until it was way too late. ) finding out all of that plus going through all of that and THEN EVEN MORE STUFF HAPPENING caused me to spiral and start drinking really bad so i could cope and also not have lots of graphic memories of all of it. it was truly the worst time in my life. and truly this isn’t even a 1/5th of the whole story. the whole domino effect of december 8th, 2018. since even before that day but that was truly the start, i have been through so much s3xual trauma. it is unbelievable and hard to cope with everyday. today i am thinking about number 4 ? ig yeah. or at least rn. and i’m thinking ab number 5 bc everyday for the next month and the last month have been basically trauma anniversaries bc of him last yr. but tbh so many days are trauma anniversaries when u have cptsd and have been abvsed sm. i wish nobody ever laid their hands on me. i wish they listened to no or stop. i wish they listened to the law. i wish they hadn’t pushed their fantasies on me. i wish he didn’t fucking fuck me when i was blacked out and A FUCKING 14-15 YER OLD. i wish none of it ever happened.

[voidhollow]

I was recently diagnosed with ADHD predominantly inattentive type. I always suspected it or something like it, it's always been difficult for me to learn at a good pace and I feel like I take forever to do anything at all. It puts a lot of my life into perspective, I told my mom and she told me about how hard it was to school me as a child and how I wouldn't sit still or listen or pay attention to my studies. She said she always thought it was weird, but didn't do any research.

For the most part, I can function pretty well and am well-adjusted, and a lot of that is because I have a fair amount of habits that allow me to get things done without having to pay much attention to what I am doing. However, I've struggled to pay attention to and focus on learning new things even when I'm really interested in them.

I think in retrospect I actually mask some of my symptoms and I think that's exhausting to do constantly. I think part of it is also being quiet and being very introverted, just some thoughts.

I was having a lot of fatigue and on my labs, everything always came back normal, I recently got a DO as my new doctor and we did a LOT of tests, after they were normal he asked if I'd ever been tested for ADD, I hadn't so he told me how to get it done and I did. I wasn't very surprised when it came back positive but I was happy to have a diagnosis for SOMETHING after all these years. I realized that the fatigue I've been dealing with has mostly been mental and less physical based. So I've been working on trying to figure out which one I'm feeling and how to word it properly.

My doctor did give me medication that I started taking as needed this week, and the difference is huge so far. Like I can just sit down and focus on something and feel like I'm making progress, and it doesn't feel painful to work on tasks. I've also not had crashes as of yet when it was off. Like I can feel it slowly wearing off, but I can still think pretty well and pay attention overall. I really hope it continues to be a good and helpful experience.

I also like that I don't feel the need to have caffeine when on my meds, quitting caffeine has been on my goal list for 2023. Overall I've gotten down to less than 100mg a day, usually, I have between 25mg and 70mg. Overall less caffeine equals less anxiety, and it's been ages since caffeine actually made me feel awake and mentally focused.

[springsaladgaming]

Follower Milestone

Hey there, all! I recently passed 400 followers, so I thought it would be nice to gift you all some writing!

I had a particular short story that I wanted to gift when we got here, but I’m not entirely happy with it and want to rewrite it.

So, instead, I thought it would be fun to share the predecessor of Ninelives. For those of you who don’t already know, Ninelives was adapted from a short story that I wrote a decade ago for university. It is about a young man who is struggling with depression and, in a failed suicide attempt, learns a small thing about his parents that could potentially evolve into something explosive.

When I started writing this short story, I realized that I wanted to turn it into a novella. The main character would have met someone with a very Carpe Diem attitude and made the shift into a healthier headspace while dealing with his family problems. The overarching theme of the story was the way that little secrets add up. It was always my plan to go back to it once I was done with school, but then real life happened a little too hard (shitty job, pretty severe depression, and some family issues). I never touched it again.

My memory is pretty famously bad about certain things (due to I think ADHD and anxiety). But, of all the short stories that I wrote at uni, I remembered this one like the back of my hand. When I started writing Ninelives, I technically still didn’t touch the old story. I didn’t need to look back at it to remember the overall narrative. I just went at it. And then, a couple of weeks ago, I found the old external drive that I used to store all of my work on and dug up this short story once again.

I think you’ll find the similarities between this short story and Chapter 1 of Ninelives pretty quickly. Dad is kind of an asshole, Mom is pretty dismissive of the main character, and the brother seems to be the only one who cares. Ninelives is also carrying on the theme of secrets in a way. I was actually a little surprised by how similar the two still are, even though they are now different works with a decade of time between them.

This short story is a decade old, thus it hasn’t been edited or revised in the same amount of time, so read it with that in mind. Also, just to be on the safe side...

CONTENT WARNINGS: discussion of suicide, drug abuse/overdose, cigarette use, verbal abuse

And now, without further ado...

Jamie’s ass was beginning to stick to the porcelain tub, and it was getting to him.  As if that weren’t enough, the paper sign taped over his crotch created a pocket of hot air that made his dick stick to his leg. The sign read HOW’S THIS FOR AN EXIT, but Jamie wasn’t going anywhere, and that’s what bothered him most of all.  He’d downed his father’s bottle of blood pressure meds, but nothing was happening.  At least, nothing seemed to be happening, except that Jamie was now hot and sweaty.  He had no idea what ODing on blood pressure meds did, but he was pretty sure it wasn’t this.  He was even more sure that he wasn’t dying.

This would go down in history as the most anticlimactic suicide ever.

Ten minutes.  Twenty minutes.  Thirty.  An hour.  Jamie felt some discomfort—a little sick to his stomach, the porcelain pressing against his boney ass—that was it.  Now he was bored and naked, and someone would probably come looking for him soon.  Probably.

His brother, Graham, was the one who called up to him.  “Hey, Jammy,” he said.  “Dinner’s ready. Get down here.”

Jamie spent a good five minutes after that staring at the ceiling, which was covered in a layer of grime from years of shower steam.  Either that or the years during Jamie’s childhood when he’d come in here to smoke.  His parents had never looked for him here.  That hadn’t changed now that it was the spare bathroom instead of Graham and Jamie’s.

But Graham knew Jamie’s hiding spots and came looking for him.  Jamie heard Graham call for him in the hall for a few minutes, maybe less.  Then Graham knocked on the door.  “Jammers, dinner.  What are you doing in there?”

Jamie hadn’t locked the door.  That would have been too dramatic.  Now it was a mistake, and Graham walked in just as Jamie got out of the tub and crumpled up his suicide note.  The family always seemed to be catching Jamie with his pants down, just never quite so literally.

Graham didn’t seem surprised or the least bit embarrassed.  Jamie felt one of the two emotions, though he wasn’t sure which, and it wasn’t so much over his nakedness as it was the other circumstances.  Graham crossed his arms and said, “Taking a bath?”  He raised an eyebrow and cleared his throat.

“No, I wasn’t jacking off,” Jamie said.  “Just being here makes me limp.”  The fact that Jamie hated coming home wasn’t news to Graham.  Jamie thought that would be enough to end the conversation, but Graham’s eyes flashed to something behind him, and Jamie remembered he’d left the empty prescription bottle on the side of the tub.

“What were you doing, Jamie?” Graham asked.

Jamie grabbed the bottle and tossed it in the garbage along with his suicide note—or maybe it was better to call it his ex-suicide note.  It would be the only ex he’d ever had.  He grabbed a towel from the wall to cover himself and said, “Remind me to tell Dad that Mom’s been giving him placebos.”

“Jamie—”

“Gonna let me get dressed for dinner or what?” Jamie said.

Graham let Jamie pass but followed him down the hall to his old room.  Jamie packed clothes in his backpack instead of leaving some here like Graham did.  It took him a few seconds to get the shirt he was looking for.  He could feel Graham’s eyes on him.  He gave up on pulling out his nice pants and put on the jeans he’d worn earlier that day.  Graham was getting suspicious, Jamie knew.  But it didn’t matter why he was staring; it made Jamie self-conscious of just about everything under the sun.  He fumbled with the button on his pants for a good few minutes—almost broke the thing off—before he got it.  When he turned back to the door, Graham was still staring.

They made eye contact and Graham asked again.  “What were you doing?”

“Nothing,” Jamie said.  He tried to make his way downstairs, but Graham was blocking the door.  This time, he didn’t move.

“Jamie, you’re scaring me,” Graham said.

“Would it make you feel better if I said I knew they were placebos?”

“Did you?”

Jamie pushed his way past Graham.  Graham grabbed Jamie for a second and then let go, as if unsure what he was supposed to do once he had him.  Jamie didn’t have the answers either, wasn’t sure what he’d do if he their positions were reversed.  They would never be reversed, though.  Graham’s life was perfect; suicide wasn’t even an option for him.  He had no idea what it was like.  Maybe that’s why he was silent now.

Once they were seated around the dinner table, it was almost as if it never happened.  Their parents went on about their usual praise of Graham’s life, but not before ragging on Jamie about his.  “Dinner has been at seven sharp every Saturday for the last fifteen years,” Margery said.  “I don’t know why you can’t get that through your head.”

Jamie knew that.  That’s why he’d chosen the time he did.  “I lost track of time,” Jamie said.  He didn’t say more; they were going to tear him apart either way.

“It’s those work hours of his,” Hugh said.  “He has a different schedule every week.  If you’d get a real job, you wouldn’t have that problem.” Hugh didn’t look up from his plate as he cut his meat.  He always ate the meat first, but not before cutting it into perfect little cubes.

I have a real job, Jamie might’ve said, but they’d had this conversation before.  Hugh meant a salary job.  Flipping burgers didn’t count unless Jamie was making more than twenty an hour.

“Speaking of work,” Margery said, “How did your last settlement go, Graham?” Margery went for her veggies first.  She didn’t eat meat and only let Hugh at dinner, though Jamie suspected he snuck it during his lunch.

“It went well,” Graham said.  He’d barely touched his food, but Hugh looked up from his plate at that moment, and Graham dug in.

“You’re not usually so tight-lipped,” Hugh said.

Graham kept his eyes on his plate.  “It’s pretty easy to reach a settlement when the couple agrees on it before they even come to see me,” he said.

Graham was a divorce lawyer, carrying on the family tradition.  Sort of.  Their grandfather had been a judge and a prosecutor before that.  Hugh was also a prosecutor.  Graham’s decision to become a divorce lawyer had been met with a little resistance, but Hugh readily accepted it once Graham proved it made a lot of money.  Everyone’s getting divorced these days, Graham had said.  I’ll never be out of the job.

“That’s how prevalent your brother is, Jamie,” Hugh said.  “Divorcees go to see him even when they don’t need his help.”

Jamie kept his face in his plate and poked at his food with his fork.  What Hugh really meant was, “Why can’t you be successful like your brother?”  It was the same game every Saturday; that’s why Jamie hated coming here.  But it meant a free meal, even if Jamie had usually lost his appetite by the time he got it.  Besides, if he didn’t come, that would be just one more disappointment.

“Jamie will figure it out,” Graham said.  This was his way of taking Jamie’s side.  Usually.

“As soon as he figures how to pay his rent on time,” Hugh said.

Will you please stop talking about me like I’m not here, Jamie wanted to say.

“You’ve paid this month’s rent, I hope,” Hugh said.

“I paid it last month,” Jamie said.  He’d borrowed some money from Graham to do so with the promise of paying it back once he found a new roommate.  The last one packed up and left without a word.  Jamie's parents didn't know about the money, and he wasn't about to tell them now.

“You need to learn how to get ahead in all areas of your life, not just your bills,” Hugh said.

“Jamie,” Margery said, “get your chin off the table.”

Jamie felt like he was eleven again.

Jamie went outside for a smoke when dinner was over.  He didn’t smoke anymore, but he kept reserves for these occasions.  Few Saturdays passed without a cigarette.  He usually kept with the old ritual, smoked on the edge of the tub with the bathroom door closed and the window open.  After today, he avoided that bathroom., and not only because it embarrassed him.  Graham was like a hawk for the rest of the night.  He didn’t take his eyes off Jamie, even when they were cleaning the dishes.  He’d gone so far as to clean all the knives himself.  Jamie couldn’t lay a hand on them.

Graham was outside with Jamie, too, hovering over his shoulder like Hugh used to do when Jamie was a child.  “You still smoke,” Graham said.

“Only after I’m well-cooked by the parents,” Jamie said.

“Smoking will kill you, you know,” Graham said.  He shifted his stance.  “Why not just smoke two packs a day?”

“Because so far the only life goal I’ve met is not getting cancer.”

“We’re switching rooms tonight.”

“Why?”

Graham took Jamie’s cigarette and tossed it into the gravel.  “My room doesn’t have a lock,” Graham said.

“Oh, please,” Jamie said.  “I didn’t lock the bathroom door, did I?”

“Thank god for that.”

“What does it matter?” Jamie said.  “Dad will kill me when he finds that bottle in the trash anyway.”

“Let’s go inside,” Graham said.

“I didn’t get to finish my cigarette.”

“Inside, now,” Graham said.

Jamie didn’t have time to move before Graham corralled him inside with a hand on his shoulder.  When they came in, Margery was on the landing and Hugh was shouting at her from their bedroom.  To Margery, Jamie and Graham must have looked like two brothers who’d just shared a special moment.  It was some kind of special moment, but she didn’t pick up on the animosity and smiled down at them.

“What’s Dad shouting about?” Graham asked.

“He can’t find his medication,” Margery said.  “I’m sure he just misplaced it.  Wouldn’t be the first time.  I assume you two are leaving early tomorrow?”

Graham nodded.  “Actually, I’ve been talking to Jamie about moving in with him.”

“Oh?” Margery said.

Jamie echoed the oh so immediately that they almost said it at the same time.

“Yes,” Graham said.  His fingers dug in to Jamie’s shoulder.  “At least until he can find a new roommate.”

Margery smiled.  “Maybe you can help him get his life on track,” she said.

“Something like that,” Graham said, and he shook Jamie’s shoulder.

Graham was true to his word and made Jamie take his room.  He opened the doors wide and, instead of going to bed himself, sat and watched Jamie from across the hall.

“You have to drive in the morning,” Jamie said.

“You’ll drive,” Graham said.

“Not afraid I’ll crash the car?”

“No,” Graham said, “because then it would be a murder-suicide.”

“You’re not moving in with me,” Jamie said.

“Either I move in with you or I check you into a psyche ward on suicide watch.”

“The apartment is small.”

“Jamie, I lived in a smaller apartment through eight years of college,” Graham said.  “I’ll manage.”

“You’re really going to watch me sleep?” Jamie asked.

“Get used to it,” Graham said.  “From now on, I’ll have to watch you do a lot of things.”

In the morning, Graham was still watching.  The two of them drove back to Denver in Graham’s SUV, and Graham started moving some of his things into Jamie’s apartment later that day.

[neighbourskid]

Dave? Dave.

It's been quite a bit since I've written anything here, huh? Well, I guess as it has been for pretty much everyone, life has been kinda strange for a while now. Despite vaccine roll-outs and continually changing safety regulations, there's still a global pandemic on, and everyone is trying to navigate this reality the best they can. For once, we are all, generally speaking, in the same boat now (sure, there are huge differences between countries because capitalism fucking sucks and rich greedy humans are once again proof that things need to change asap, but overall, we all have to deal with this pandemic).

But I don't actually want to talk about the pandemic, it just exists as a frame of what I do wanna talk about.

As I have mentioned before, when the pandemic hit, I was in the last semester of my undergrad studies and writing my Bachelor thesis. Or that's what I was supposed to do, anyway. I did do a lot of reading for it, early in the first lockdown after university closed and we were all attending from home. I was lucky, I had no classes, I only had like three scheduled meetings to check in on progress of the thesis, but otherwise I was free of zoom calls and attempting to attend university digitally. So I read.

After a while, reading became taking a book with me into the sun, glancing at one or two pages, and then just napping for most of the day, and spending my evenings either playing video games or watching some tv show or movie. At some point, I felt like now was the perfect time to rewatch all fifteen seasons of CRIMINAL MINDS, so I did that, instead of writing my thesis. I still occasionally read, but most of the days I just felt exhausted and unmotivated so I stayed in bed and binged my crime show.

As the deadline for the thesis started approaching, and the time I had left fell under a month, a switch in my brain seemed to be activated and, oh, hello, suddenly there was a certain drive there for that thesis again. Which lasted exactly until an email from university dinged into my inbox a few days later, informing me that I would get another month for my thesis, due to the pandemic. And away that motivation and drive went, immediately.

Not much later I had a session with the therapist I was seeing at the time, because of the hormone treatment I had started early that same year. I had talked to him about my concern that I might have ADHD before because I didn't feel like there was anything we needed to talk about related to my transition, so I brought it up again here. I told him how my thesis was going -- or rather, how it wasn't going at all -- and finally, as I told him about some of the issues I experienced while trying to do work for it, he acknowledged that I may indeed have some attention regulation issues. He prescribed me medication to try out, and -- wonder oh wonder -- suddenly I was writing my thesis. I ended up finishing it on time (even though a week before I had a moment of "all of this is garbage, I will never pass, I should start the whole thing from scratch") and got a decent grade for it, too. I've been on those meds since.

Over the last, I don't know how many years, I've always known that there was something a bit wonky about my brain. There were always these things that seemed to come so easy to other people, and try as I might, I just couldn't make them happen. I, presumably, had a lot of neurotypical friends. I also have friends with depression, BPD, anxiety disorders and other neurodivergencies. I have family members with autism. I know my mom suspected I might be on that spectrum as well.

Reading up on many of those things I never felt like any of them described what I was experiencing. There were certain traits, sure, but mostly there was a lack of what I actually did experience in most of them. Even ADHD, when reading about the "required" issues and traits, doing those self-diagnosing questionnaires, I just never saw what I felt represented. And then I started reading about what people with diagnosed ADHD had to say about how they experience things. I ignored the more medical or clinical information, and just looked for people talking about how they navigate their lives with ADHD. And then all of a sudden it was, oh, yeah this, this is relatable. This is where my brain's at.

Suddenly it made sense that caffeine didn't do nothing for me, that a nice, warm cup of coffee put me right to sleep. It made sense how, after only a month, suddenly a well beloved hobby or tv show was suddenly of no interest whatsoever. Staring at the wall for three hours instead of doing a simple task. Drawing in class so that I could pay attention to what is being said. The inability to remember much of my life before 6th grade. Having to bounce my leg so I could read a simple text. Needing to visually break a book down into chapters with colourful post-its to keep me from being overwhelmed by the length of the book. And so many other things. Suddenly, there was a reason for that.

I've always liked doing personality quizzes. Or doing stuff related to my zodiac sign even if I don't believe in astrology per se. Finding out what my Enneagram number is. Or my Myers-Briggs type. Not because I think those things define me or describe me to a T, but because they give me a vocabulary. They give me options. I love answering a bunch of questions and then getting a wall of text telling me This Is Who You Are and then I get to pick out what is accurate and what isn't. It gives me words to describe who I am that I didn't have before.

And it is the same thing with posts or videos of people with ADHD. It gives me a vocabulary for the things I experience and it lets me express those things in a way I wasn't able to before. Before, I was like, doing things that my brain doesn't want to do, feels like running headfirst into a wall because there is no way above, around, or underneath it. There is no door, no ladder, no tunnel, no nothing. There is only running headfirst into it until maybe, hopefully, it cracks. Preferably before my head does. But that is exhausting and most of the time, I prefer to not get through the wall at all, if what it takes is going headfirst through it. Now, I know that what that is, is a dopamine deficiency. The task that needs doing, the task that this wall is, doesn't give my brain enough dopamine. There is no satisfaction, there is nothing to gain from that task, so the brain isn't interested.

One of the things that I recently discovered and helps me a lot in this quest of figuring out how my brain works, is this guy Connor on tiktok, who also has ADHD. His videos are both hilarious and informative. And also incredibly relatable. They might be silly haha funny videos on the dear old internet, but I walk away from most of them going, oh! oh that makes sense, good to know.

He occasionally talks about how ADHD is completely misnamed and how Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder does not actually accurately describe what exactly people with ADHD lack. In one of his videos, he calls it DAVE instead. It's silly, and sounds a bit dumb, but I kinda like it. Dave. Dopamine Attention Variability Executive-Disfunction. Dave. I like Dave.

Y'know, I don't mind having ADHD. Presumably, I've lived with it my whole life so far. And it's annoying as shit some of the time. Especially when things need to get done and they just won't. But I don't mind that, especially now that I know that this is what it is. I've always feared that if I finally do go to a therapist and try to figure out what my brain is up to, they'll just tell me that I'm fine and there's nothing to worry about. And at first, my therapist did say I was psychologically unremarkable. But I guess if you've lived like this your whole life and nobody has really picked up on it, even a therapist doesn't notice (it's called masking, I've learned, thanks Connor).

But knowing is good. Knowing means I can learn things that help. I can take medication when needed. And, looking at the grades I'm currently getting in my graduate studies? Hells yeah, taking that medication and knowing how to deal with certain aspects of my brain helps a lot. It is incredibly funny to me that the best grades I have gotten in my entire academic career have been achieved in my Master's studies during a global pandemic. There is currently an actual real possibility that I may graduate summa cum laude. In my MA. That is insane!

Anyway, I am avoiding tasks by writing this right now. Oh, the irony. I'm gonna try and do those tasks now. Y'all take care. Cheers!

[thejosh1980]

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes...

We've sure had a few changes here at The Ocean Shores Resort. It's been a full on month since I last wrote... Through the good, the bad, and the ugly, we've been keeping positive, enjoying the cooler days. Damn summer is hot and long here!!!

The past few months have all been about learning to deal with life's unexpected roadblocks and detours.

There's a lot to tell, but I think the main thing is, at least for me, that I've been a student for the first time the late 1990's. I've spent the past 4 weeks in class, learning, studying, researching, getting to know my classmates and finding all of it challenging, stimulating and exciting.

Studying counseling has been surprisingly awesome for my mental health too. I mean, I have had some really challenging days, especially when it comes to some of the assessments. The first one, well I just about quit the course over it. I really was at my wit's end. An assessment, I suspect, that was created by some office nut job in a government position, who never taught a day in his life and thinks his open ambiguous questions are making it easier for us to answer. I think the whole class suffered sleepless nights that week!! Terrible, but I chipped away at it, persevered and managed to finish it a few days early. Not only that, I learnt a lot about myself and the situation at hand, as you know I'm all about the process.

I learnt that I have to work slowly and meaningfully at these assessments. I can't expect to finish it in one sitting or even in one weekend. Just starting and having a go, finding the easier parts to get done first, using different resources (I love how I can spend the day watching youtube videos and count that as research) and making sure I take time to focus on me with a little bit of self care.

Alex has been super great too, as I delve into this mysterious world of study and being a student. She listens to me talk about the counseling theory of the day, the one we just did in class and how great it is because I can already apply it to friends, family or, more importantly, myself, only to hear me talk about the next theory the next day, like it's gods gift to therapy. She proof reads all my work, debates theories, offers very good suggestions (not only is she super self aware, but she's studied psychology) and somehow, I don't know how she does it, but she knows when I need a break and encourages me to take it. Otherwise I would be at the books day and night.

I've also learnt a lot in class about myself. Part of that comes from comparing my experiences, beliefs and knowledge with my classmates. They are all really great people from a wide variety of backgrounds. But some, push my buttons ever so gently, and I love it. I love the challenge of figuring out why I react to that person that way. What is it I'm feeling and why?

I am thankful this is not an online course!

I've gotten to know some classmates fairly well, and I am surprised at how they openly offer words of appreciation and support. Like “your voice is really calming” and “your vulnerability and openness is a breath of fresh air”. I always thought my voice sounded pretty crap! (Yes I know I sing, but that still doesn't mean I like the sound of my own voice). Also, I never thought I was actually being vulnerable, I always thought that I was just sharing stuff, my stuff, in the hope we can understand each other better. I may have to stop that now....

Nahhhh, just kidding...

The course is something that is right for me, right now. I don't think my mental state would have been ready 2 to 5 years ago, let alone 10 or even 20 years ago!!

Besides the 2 afternoons being ruined by frustration, anger and hopelessness, due to the above mentioned assessment from hell, it's been a good 4 weeks into the year long course. I look forward to each day in class... I even go to the college on my off days to work in the library instead of working from home. I just get more done, even though Mijo misses my lap!

I don't know where the course will take me, I haven't even thought of what job I want to do once I'm a qualified counselor. I hope that during my time as a student, the course will guide me in the direction best suited for me. Learn my weaknesses, follow my strengths and work with both. It's all too overwhelming to think too far ahead. See, I'm learning...

Right here and now... That's all that matters....

During my first week at college, Alex changed jobs. Arriving in Australia and diving head first into real estate sales 1 hour away from home was a real high jump to begin with! The pressure of the job, not to mention the 2 hours a day traveling time, the weekend work and the small size of the business with undefined job roles made it tough! Real tough!

Alex decided to side step into an admin position in a bigger real estate company closer to home with defined job roles, massive support and a very positive outlook. She basically took up her role she had in New York. She's lovin' it! I am too. She's home each night at the same time, doesn't bring much work home with her, other than stories of her awesome day, which I love to hear. Additionally she now has her weekends free to explore and relax too.

She also found a psychiatrist who confirmed her ADHD diagnosis. Alex was originally diagnosed in her early 20's after her turbulent teenage years. She had therapy and medication back then but after a huge burn out in the US, she came back to Germany and let it all lapse. It has been a real struggle for her to cope, and at times, I'll be honest, it has put strain on our marriage. Well, 1 day after her first doc appointment and her meds had kicked in, she's become a new woman. It's been great to get to know this side of her. While things are not 100% perfect, I now have a wife who looks forward to getting up and attacking the day with gusto.

Mum's had a hard run lately too... We all know that I came back to help support her as her eye sight slowly deteriorates. I've been here to read every label, drive her to every appointment and help her work the wonderful world of her laptop, printer and Windows. Alex has been alongside us for the ride too. There's been a few recent health issues that have cropped up. I can't go into detail, but it's fair to say, I can see it was the right time to come home and be here to support Mum.

Mum is strong willed, strong minded and independent, and little of that will change while she can fight against all the odds throwin' at her. It's been a tough couple of weeks, and mum's kept focused on the bigger picture, her health, it's been inspiring.

Mijo has been through the wars.

The little deaf cat recently celebrated his 6 month birthday, but the poor fella has something seriously going on with his health which means we are delaying any big celebrations until his 1st birthday... Besides ringworm (it's not actually a worm, it's a fungal infection), a tooth that won't grow down (it grows directly forward and needs to be surgically removed), no appetite and losing weight, he's doing fine! The poor lethargic fella sleeps all day, which is kind of normal, except I can't remember the last time he had the energy to chase a toy or even run.

I haven't been taking him out much, he needs rest. We did explore the beaches, rivers and parks nearby together, I hope that in a few months I can pick up where we left off. For now he needs rest, calmness and another trip or two the vet.

Through all these ups and downs, we're all actually quite good.

My deep hole from February/March is just a blimp on the computer screen of my life. Studying has raised a few challenges but I am working my way through them, determined to kick that courses ass and learn, learn, learn... One day I hope I can help others through similar struggles as my own.

Alex's struggles with ADHD are progressing in the right direction now and her new job sure was the right call. Mum is showing the world she can take on whatever is thrown at her, and then some.

Alex and I keep going from strength to strength. I'm blessed with her support, respect and love. One classmates already calls her “the awesome wife”, and they've never met!! I guess when I talk about my wife, I reek of pride and love, as it should be.

Thanks for reading,

The Josh

[thurisazsalail]

Chronic Illness + Cars

A lot of us with chronic illness try to explain what it’s like to try to get treatment, when what we end up with is gaslighting, ineffective bullshit from doctors, no treatment at all, and worse from the medical community.  I’m frustrated right now especially because my new psych fucked with my meds for a disorder that was *already being managed*, because she refuses to treat the one that’s unmanaged and that is ruining my life (ADHD). And allll the Fun Stuff with a BAD change in psych meds is happening. Because female-assigned autistic people with ADHD don’t exist guys, and we especially don’t go to college, k? We’re just in it for the student debt and the drugs.

So after awhile of trying to explain it ineffectively, especially to cismen, I kind of get it. In stereotypical, non-mechanic perspective, it’s like this:

You have a car. It is your only car with no chance of getting a new one, ever. For some reason, you absolutely cannot get anywhere at all without this car for purposes of metaphor. The car is your body. 

Car has an oil leak. You broke a head gasket. Oil is spraying all over other necessary parts. At first, it’s not a big deal- you can clean up those other parts as soon as you get the head gasket fixed, but that’s gotta be quick, because a broken head gasket going unfixed leads to engine stress and other broken parts from the oil leak side effect. 

You somehow have the funds to take it to a mechanic, at least for the base appointment. No one will tell you an estimate over the phone for testing. Fine, you have insurance, whatever. They have good reviews. Somehow, magically, you aren’t put on a waitlist or told to make an appointment for two months from now to be seen. You get in tomorrow. You show up early, fill out some paperwork about the history of the car, what you were doing when you noticed it leaking oil. You suspect a head gasket from some of the rumbling and other issues, but you’re not sure. 

The mechanic spends 10 minutes looking at the car, agrees that there MIGHT be an oil leak, and wants you to fill out a paper to track the oil leak for two weeks. .... what???? Insurance is denying coverage for opening the hood and looking at the engine right now. Bring back the paper as proof, they’ll probably cover it. Uugh FINE so you do that.  Now the engine is starting to labour more, and another part goes bad. The starter is starting to fail because it’s covered in oil. You bring it in again and note that the starter is not turning every time, probably because of the oil leak. Your mechanic tells you that the engine and starter are two different parts. You fucking know that, but they’re connected to each other and I don’t know, it could be that the broken thing leaking the oil is causing that as a side effect????  The insurance changes your mechanic before you find out. 

You start over. 

This mechanic actually agrees that the oil leak might be related to the engine. Huh, how about that. Okay. Check the damn engine, please??? The engine warning light has now been on for a month. It’s running pretty hot. You’re dumping in a quart of oil every week. It’s got to be going somewhere, genius! Yep, mechanic says broken head gasket. Insurance won’t cover a broken head gasket though, so we’re gonna clean some of these parts and file for a gasket replacement.

Before he can win that argument, your insurance changes your mechanic again. 

New guy can’t read the notes of the previous mechanic so well, and the first mechanic didn’t bother to make any. Great. Start over. Now you sound like you’re making up a really big case! Why didn’t you get seen SOONER?! If it was a REAL head gasket leak, you’d have thought it was more important! Now you have TWO leaking head gaskets AND the starter is really giving you trouble. Also, there’s something funny with the battery sometimes?? Or it could be the alternator? Or some part of the electrical harness might have oil on an exposed section from dry rot. It is getting to be an older car...

Your new mechanic says that he thinks you really just need a proper oil change and filter reseating. You ask how the fuck that’s supposed to help, when previous doctor agreed that it was a head gasket and these other parts are now bad because of it not getting replaced. You need help getting the head gasket, now two of them, fixed. You’ll deal with rest at a future appointment; your copay is too high. The mechanic now thinks you’re making stuff up to try to get free oil changes. When you argue with him about it, your file now says “Noncompliant customer. Oil change seeking behaviour.” You have to change your mechanic AGAIN. It’s now been a year.

You are now paying for your mechanic out of pocket. The cost is astronomical. The mechanic asks you why you’ve seen so many mechanics. It’s suspicious- there are people who see lots of mechanics to try to find ones that do illegal window tinting and speed modifications. You’re agitated. You probably fit the profile. You’re here to talk about your engine and starter. He thinks that’s red flag behaviour. A mechanic would have treated all this stuff by now if that’s what was REALLY wrong with your car! You must have broken this stuff recently to get attention. You seem to know a lot about head gaskets, alternators, batteries, and oil changes for someone who isn’t into cars... 

You say “yeah, well, none of these mechanics listened to me, and it’s my only car, I have to get to work and stuff or I’ll be homeless and starving, but they won’t fix anything and the one who was GOING to got switched out by my old insurance company... so I looked stuff up and tried to learn about cars. Maybe there was something I could do to keep it from getting worse, or even make it better in the meantime...”

He thinks that’s even MORE suspicious. Maybe you’re illegally practicing drag racing. That’s how that engine got blown out. He recommends driving more slowly and replacing the battery. He will absolutely not fix the engine, and any time you bring it up, he shuts it down or changes the conversation. 

You realize he’s never going to fix the damn oil leak.

You switch mechanics...

[fraddit]

My recent experience with depression, anxiety, and ADHD

I figured I would make a post about this, because I know that at least a few of my mutuals are dealing with some or all of these things themselves and might find this helpful.  Who knows?  Very long, very personal, but mostly positive post under the cut.  Like, really, more information than you probably ever wanted to know about me and my problems.  Proceed, if you feel so inclined.

First, a brief history, for context.  Throughout elementary and high school, I consistently scored in the 99th percentile on standardized tests.  Then, I almost flunked out of high school, barely got my diploma, took a year off, and started art school college for an animation English degree.  I was going to write novels.  After a year or two of that, I decided I could write without a degree, so I dropped out.  What followed was a decade of several strangely varied and unrelated jobs and no novel writing. Working a stable corporate gig while not accomplishing (or even pursuing) any of my personal creative goals was DESTROYING MY SOUL.  So, I quit my job to become a full-time student and finish my degree, because at least that was kind of in the same universe as actually being creative.  And now, a year or two later, here I am, 32 and a few semesters away from finally finishing that English degree.  Clearly brains won’t get you everywhere kids.

I was diagnosed with ADHD at age 7 and was on some form of medication until sometime in high school, when I decided I didn’t want to take it anymore, for reasons I won’t bother getting into.  It never occurred to me to even consider medication again until this semester, when everything fell apart.

ADHD can impact a person in a multitude of ways.  For me, the biggest impact is probably executive function issues.  I can wander through the garden of my ideas all day long.  I cannot make myself sit down and do work, no matter how much I may want to.  For personal goals, that means a literal solid decade of zero accomplishment.  For school, that means procrastinating papers until the night before or morning of or sometimes even two weeks late, on the night before the professor has to turn in their grades.  And the level of personal effort it took to make myself write that two-week-late paper was herculean in measure, when it really should not have been.

I’ve since learned that many professionals suspect this very common procrastination habit of ADHD folks is actually a kind of self-medicating by way of adrenaline via stress response.  Which sounds entirely plausible to me, because every semester since I’ve been back at school, I’ve found myself pushing the risky boundaries of procrastination further and further, like a drug addict needing a higher dose to get a fix.  A very unsustainable and unhappy process all around.

Which brings me to this semester, when the wheels finally fell off the car, and one of the campus psychologists found me crying on a bench outside the counseling center because they were closed for lunch and meetings, and I didn’t know where else to go.  I couldn’t do any of my homework, was crying every day, and having panic attacks.  To put it simply, I was a fucking mess.

I made more appointments at the counseling center, I spoke with my professors about what I was going through (hello more panic attacks), and for the first time in over a decade, I remembered that there are medications I should maybe try, and I made an appointment to see the psychiatrist at the campus medical clinic.  (Also, guys, if any of you are students, look into your campus resources.  There’s support for everything at my school.  There’s even an office that’s only there to help guide students to all the other support options.  Seriously, mental health, child care, food, housing, you name it.  Get the help you need.)

When I explained everything I had been going through, the very nice psychiatrist at the clinic told me, with an unsettling degree of alarm in her voice, that I was “deeply depressed”. Which, I knew, but she really sounded shockingly concerned.  And it’s like, jeeze, I maybe didn’t realize just how bad things had gotten, because I was just living with this shit every day, so it was kind of ‘normal’ for me.

Anyway, she agreed to start me on meds for my ADHD.  The one I’ve been taking is called Vyvanse.  I started on the lowest dose and have been gradually increasing.  A month in, I’m at a dose where I can clearly tell a difference, and it’s having a noticeable impact.  I wrote a meta yesterday.  I was thinking the thoughts, and just sat down and wrote it.  This morning, I got up and wrote some more, just notes for future things to do, but I did it.  Fuck, I’m writing this fucking thing right now.

I thought that maybe I should write this shit out, and it took a little while sitting and getting my momentum going, but now I’ve written 800 1300 1650 words.  And I’m sitting here actually crying as I type this paragraph, because this small little thing is like the biggest fucking thing in my life.

I don’t have any way to accurately explain what a big deal it is for me to have actively decided to write something and then to have actually actively produced content of my own volition and design, that wasn’t assigned to me and didn’t have a due date or a grade attached.  And, that I’ve done it repeatedly now…

OVER TEN YEARS.  Over ten years I went, writing almost nothing. Might as well have been zero words. Guys, I’ve been walking around with a trilogy of speculative fiction novels in my head for over ten years, I’ve been planning another unrelated novel for the last two.  I’ve been planning something like 30 fanfics, across two fandoms, and another 20 metas for the past year.  Part of me probably assumed feared that none of that would ever see the light of day. But now, it suddenly feels like maybe I’ll actually manage to write some of it.  And I’m hoping like fuck that it’s not just a fluke.

Now, the ADHD meds aren’t the only thing I’ve been doing to contribute to this ‘good place’ I’m in currently.  I’ve been going to counseling.  Apparently, I have a lot of negative feelings about myself and my inability to accomplish jack shit for a whole decade.  Who would’ve guessed?  I also have weekly sessions with the disabilities accessibility team at my university to work on external methods for dealing with my executive function issues. (Again, if you’re a student, utilize your university resources.  You’re already paying for them with tuition.)  And, this is obviously not an option for everyone, but even before I started the ADHD meds, I took advantage of the fact that I live in a state where certain botanical products are easily and legally available and found a brand of gummies that really help with my anxiety and panic attacks.  (They’re high cbd, low thc, so calming and don’t make you high.)

So far, the meds aren’t 100% sunshine and rainbows.  With the dose I’m at right now, where I’ve been Getting Things Done, I can actively feel the drug, which is… not the greatest.  I feel jittery, vaguely anxious, like I’ve drank way too much coffee but worse.  And, the decreased appetite is something I really have to be vigilant about, because I don’t have any room to lose weight.  These were both known possible side effects of stimulant meds, so I wasn’t surprised, and perhaps the doctor and I will be able to fine tune the dosing or try another med or something.  But right now, I think I’m really leaning toward, I’ll put up with the side effects, because holy shit, I can finally actually do what I want to do.  Also, I think (and Nice Doctor Lady thinks) the new higher dose is having a positive, stabilizing impact on my mood.

I guess my reason for writing all of this, other than pure catharsis, is to say, if you’re dealing with shit like this, try to be willing to consider all your options.  For whatever reason, I didn’t think about trying medication for my condition.  It wasn’t even like I was anti-meds or something.  I just didn’t even think about it.  Not until a few months back, when I sent a random ask to an ADHD blog on here, asking how they managed to make themselves write, and they responded with I had to get medication.  Suddenly, it was like… why have I not been considering this option?  So, this story is for anyone else out there that maybe also hadn’t thought to consider this option.

And really, not just the medication.  I’m a hide behind walls, overly independent, do things on my own, never ask for help sort of person.  But, I guess I finally reached a level of desperation where I was like, Clearly, doing this by myself, my way, has not gotten me the results I want.  So, fuck it, I’m going to ask for help from every professional available to me.  Which, I’m very lucky, and currently have ready access to multiple resources in a way not everyone does, but being open to getting this much assistance is very new territory for me.

I’m not really sure how best to wrap this up.  If anyone actually read all of this, I’m astonished and… Hi, I guess?  You really know quite a bit about me now.  Hopefully, I haven’t scared anyone off.  And, if anybody has further questions about any of this or you want to talk about your own issues, I’m sincerely available for that. I think the world we live in today makes it too easy to feel completely alone, even when you’re surrounded by people, and I’m here for chats, if you need it.

[i-am-very-very-tired]

February 17, 2014 5:03 PM I have a exam this Wednesday. I am also going through extreme anxiety. I am diagnosed with anxiety disorder. Last fall I went to the hospital due to extreme anxiety over constant pains which caused me to be suicidal. I ended up seeing a psychologist and social worker regularly. Do you think it would be acceptable to get a doctors note to postpone this exam until my bout of extreme anxiety passes. posted by Jack V to Education (25 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite My anxiety is over my father's stage 4 colon cancer, recently diagnosed. My relationship falling apart and my re emergent stomach ailments. posted by Jack V at 5:05 PM on February 17, 2014 Yes, of course. You should be able to get help navigating this from the counseling office at your school and/or the dean of students. posted by cairdeas at 5:08 PM on February 17, 2014 You not a problem, done it myself for a chronic medical condition when I was at uni. posted by smoke at 5:11 PM on February 17, 2014 I'm assuming during the hospitalization they reviewed possible medication support? I had a post-doc friend who had a script for a beta blocker specifically for academic performance anxiety (presentations, interviews, exams, etc.). Do you have a physician or psychiatrist, or one that would be on call through your counselors or the student center? posted by blue suede stockings at 5:12 PM on February 17, 2014 Get a doctor's note for the stomach problem, see whatever student support you have available to see what they can advise about getting acknowledgment of the other issues. A diagnosed illness will usually be good for some consideration be it extra time, an upgraded mark or another go as if it was your first attempt, depending on your institution. Consideration for the other problems will depend on your institution's support structure and regulations. See your department office or counselling service asap. posted by biffa at 5:13 PM on February 17, 2014 A lot of this depends on instructor-specific/institution-specific policies, but definitely keep and have on hand documentation of everything. Contact your instructor ASAP and if they've got flexible policies they can possibly work with you. If you don't get resolution there, then talk to the counseling, academic advising, and/or disability resource support units at your institution. posted by jackbishop at 5:21 PM on February 17, 2014 Is your exam blind graded? [You have an exam number, and your name goes no where on the exam page?] Then there's probably something somewhere that says you are to inform a DEAN and not the Professor (bc the prof will now know you're taking it late, etc, etc). The key here is to do so in advance. People get sick. Schools have procedures. This isn't a do it and seek forgiveness later situation. I was pleasantly surprised how easy it was to reschedule a law school exam bc I had a migraine. I sent a sad email, they rescheduled it for a week later. Done. posted by atomicstone at 5:25 PM on February 17, 2014 Yeah, if you have a medical condition then this is a perfectly valid reason to postpone an exam. posted by cnanderson at 5:32 PM on February 17, 2014 Thanks for the responses guys. Would it be considered okay if I took a quiz the same day that is worth less that I feel I can handle in my condition or would that hurt my prospects of having this exam postponed? posted by Jack V at 5:38 PM on February 17, 2014 I would ask the person arranging your accommodations for the major exam. They should be able to advise you best. posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 5:40 PM on February 17, 2014 Have both postponed. No reason to do it when you are already so stressed out, and it sends mixed signals to your professor. That is never ever a good thing. posted by AlexiaSky at 5:41 PM on February 17, 2014 ...and I suspect what they'll tell you is exactly what AlexiaSky said. I hope you are feeling better soon. posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 5:43 PM on February 17, 2014 Would it be considered okay if I took a quiz the same day that is worth less that I feel I can handle in my condition or would that hurt my prospects of having this exam postponed? If I were the academic Dean or your Professor/Instructor that would be a bit of a ringer for me. This suggests to me that the anxiety is some what task dependent and possibly related to preparation and/or consequences. All or none posted by rmhsinc at 5:46 PM on February 17, 2014 Do you think it would be acceptable to get a doctors note to postpone this exam until my bout of extreme anxiety passes. Yes, it is totally acceptable. Couple of things to consider- Are you sure the anxiety is not related to the exam at all? Things have a way of bleeding into each other with anxiety. I get that feeling coz you want to postpone it, and also consider the option of taking a quiz instead. If I am wrong, please disregard the comment. If not, that's something to keep in mind. You certainly dont want to talk about both options to the supervisor. Pick one and go from there. Also, if you can get through the exam now, know that you will be done with it for good. If you postpone it, you still have to deal with it. Only you know what you can and cannot handle right now. And whatever you can handle is totally fine. In the meantime, know that having a seriously ill parent is enough reason to get GI distress and anxiety to a non-anxious person. So yeah, having anxiety right now is so normal. On top of that an emotional support falling apart is enough to give anyone GI issues. It might be helpful to you to start keeping track of such things to manage the anxiety better. While the exam is postponed, do look into anxiety-relieving meds from a psychiatrist to get through exams or such in the future. Try not to avoid events, it just reinforces anxiety. Hope this helps. I am sorry about your father. posted by xm at 5:53 PM on February 17, 2014 Also see if there is an ombudsperson at your school; they can help posted by thelonius at 5:54 PM on February 17, 2014 If you were one of my students, this is the advice I would give you: go see your Dean of Students (or similar). They will know exactly how to navigate this situation, and if need be, will spare you the awkwardness of discussing your personal business with your professor. posted by baby beluga at 5:58 PM on February 17, 2014 Do you think it would be acceptable to get a doctors note to postpone this exam until my bout of extreme anxiety passes. That's something you'll want to take up with the administration, not the professor, for a variety of reasons which have been mentioned here already. But just for the record, I think you may find that nervousness about an exam is not generally viewed as an acceptable reason for taking a rain check on said exam, medical diagnosis or no. If your doctor can find things other than the exam which might justify taking it at a later date, that's one thing. But you do eventually have to take it, anxiety notwithstanding. Such a request would seem to be pushing the boundaries of "reasonable accommodation". So make sure that doctor's note not only emphasizes the abnormal severity of your anxiety, but also links that anxiety to something other than the same academic pressure that all of your classmates are experiencing. posted by valkyryn at 6:09 PM on February 17, 2014 A former academic here...listen to "baby beluga" and "valkyryn". Take the doctor's note to the Dean of Students or ask a staff member in their office who you should talk to about the situation. It is not a good idea to go class by class or professor by professor and ask them..they may have widely varying personal policies and you have a problem that will probably affect all your classes, at least for a little while. Very sorry about your Dad and I sympathize with your anxiety issues. posted by bessiemae at 6:14 PM on February 17, 2014 If your school has a Disabilities office, and you can get a note from your doctor describing this, you may be able to get test accommodations. I would talk to them ASAP. I have ADHD, and I also have severe anxiety caused by the Concerta I take for said ADHD. My doctor mentioned both in a letter to my college's Disabilities office. And I had to make a Midterm, the day before I was due to get my medication adjusted for the anxiety. Since in my case it was unrealistic to postpone the exam, the Disabilities office set up the following for me - a quiet room to take the test, unlimited testing time, a box of tissues, and they let me have some relaxing tea. And while I probably didn't do as well on the test as I'd like to (I don't have the grade yet), I was able to complete it in a relaxing, isolated environment. If I would have had to take it with the normal time limit, in the classroom with all the other students, I know that I would have done much worse, and possibly had an anxiety attack in the middle of it all. Good luck, and sorry to hear about your father. posted by spinifex23 at 6:29 PM on February 17, 2014 I don't know the policy at your school, but when I was in college, it was sufficient to go to the student clinic the day of the exam for whatever reason and get a note documenting your visit (the note would never discuss any medical issues, just that you were seen). You could then contact the professor, inform him or her you were not feeling well, and present the note as documentation if requested. The exam would then be rescheduled. Check your school policy to learn about your options. posted by Behemoth at 6:35 PM on February 17, 2014 If one of my students came to me with this, I would refer them to our Disability Affairs department which is under the Dean of Student Services. I'd also remind you that the contact info for Disability Affairs is required to be in every professor's syllabus. You should know that we are required to take your needs seriously. Take a look at your syllabus. I bet the contact info is right there for you. posted by 26.2 at 6:37 PM on February 17, 2014 Make it clear that the reason you want to postpone is situational. Don't include the situational issues such as your father's illness as an afterthought, as you did here. If you don't emphasize the situational nature, the person you are speaking to is quickly going to be wondering why you won't just have the same anxiety issues when the postponed exam eventually approaches. posted by treehorn+bunny at 6:47 PM on February 17, 2014 A major reason to do this through the Dean of Students or Disabilities Services or whomever is that they will tell your professor the minimum possible. Having been in this position, I really really didn't want to know the nature of the student's illness, all I wanted to know was that a reliable source (ie an administrator) was telling me that the student needed to postpone taking the exam. In my case I needed to make sure that I wasn't overly lenient due to being sympathetic, but it could just as easily be antipathy if you have a professor who isn't sympathetic to mental illness. Go to the Dean of Students. They'll be a middleman and ensure that the prof doesn't know more than they need to. posted by matildatakesovertheworld at 8:27 PM on February 17, 2014 As a former college instructor, honestly, I would only allow a student to take an exam late for something like this if they had gone through Disability Services or a similar appropriate office. (Full disclosure -- I was extremely strict about not missing exams, emergencies only.) Further, if you've been keeping up with the material, it's hard to imagine that you will do better on the exam by postponing. Later you'll have new material you're supposed to be focusing on, and if you let yourself get behind (especially if this is in all classes), it's extremely hard to get caught up. You might seriously consider taking the semester off if your anxiety is so bad that you can't take any major exams. I mean, I don't see an end in sight here -- I'm guessing your circumstances will not quickly change. posted by ktkt at 9:12 PM on February 17, 2014 As a former university admin and current student with disabilities, I can say with 99% certainty that they will have a procedure for this. (And as a side note, anything from a doctor usually meets the 'official' criteria.) Your university will usually have a full set of their rules and regulations on their web site, and the exams department will almost certainly have a summary of the relevant parts on their sub pages. And check back in your emails - it's fairly standard procedure to mention these policies in any communications you've had about exam dates. posted by danteGideon at 7:41 AM on February 18, 2014