#also I cured my depression turns out I just had to paint for 5 hours

[sourkitsch]

Being an artist is stupid sometimes. Why is there sandpaper in my shower

[ikemenshakespeare]

Thank you @fittsythesnail for giving me the inspiration to create this OC for Ikemen vampire! She made this piece for me in loving memory of my dog Bowser who passed away a few months ago, and now he gets to live on as part of the Ikemen Vamp fandom as a girls best friend. 🐶🥺💖

Name: Alba Estelle Rossi

Vampiric Type: N/A (Human)

Height: 5’4

Birthday: April 15th (Same day as Leonardo!)

Age: 22

Occupation: Hairdresser

Pet: 9 year old male dog named Bo. Alba took her three sisters out to the park one sunny spring afternoon. They’d been out playing when they found a box near the street with a little mutt inside. After denying the puppy for hours, it turned out she’d be the one most in love with him after one short week! (Bowser’s IkemenVamp persona. 🥺🐶)

Appearance: Although one of the hairdressers in town, Alba keeps her hair it’s bored straight look. The length can range from medium/long depending when she can get around to trimming it herself, hair color is a chestnut brown. Light olive colored skin and green/hazel eyes. Thick dark colored eyebrows. Large breasts.

Childhood: Alba’s the oldest of her mothers four daughters, The sister closest to her in age (Olivia) still seven years younger. Alba was the bastard child of an Italian man, her mother a French woman was still only a teenager when she ran off to be with him. Later in life when Alba was 5 years old her father left to start a family with another woman of legitimate status, leaving her mother to move back to Paris with her and eventually start a new family of her own with a simple fisherman. By the time Alba’s last sister (Therese) was born her mother and stepfather had fallen into deep depression and became alcoholics, unable to take care of their newborn or other two kids, fourteen year old Alba took up the responsibilities as a parent and moved out with her sisters. Always doing the young girls hair paid off, eventually she found a passion for hair dressing. Surprisingly after moving out at age fourteen she continued to live a very happy “childhood” taking care of her sisters. Alba values their peace/happiness over everything and is extremely lucky her oldest sister (Olivia) is nurturing and can take care of the young two (Valerie/Therese) and the house while she worked.

Dislikes: cold weather, humidity, animal cruelty, people who take advantage of others, sleeping in the dark, and laziness.

Likes: meeting others who are just as passionate about something as she is, the idea of traveling the world although she hasn’t been able to yet, sleeping in on days off, animals, a good book, bear hugs, the beach, belly laughs, and a nice hot cup of coffee is the cure to almost anything.

Personality: Basically the definition of extrovert, with Alba the saying “don’t judge a book by its cover.” Is true indeed! Looking simple on the outside and being a box of bubbly cheer on the inside! Very opinionated which is arguably one of her worst traits for some, her mouth has gotten her in some trouble but she wouldn’t change that about herself. Alba’s a rollercoaster of emotions and feels all things deeply. If sad, angry, happy, or anything else for that matter you’ll know! Growing up self reliant it’s hard for her to accept help from others, but when finally convinced to take help she’s always appreciative. A very loyal person and would do anything for those who’ve helped her or are good friends.

Relationships

Leonardo (platonic): Met him when she first became a hairdresser. Leonardo would see her in town, just a young girl offering hair services to make money. Going into town to help others was a hobby of his, there was nothing he could do for Alba other then become a regular customer of hers. And so he did. Every few weeks he came to her for a trim. As time went by Leonardo met her younger sisters and came to know the source of her hard work. As years went by Alba began to realize something about Leonardo aswell. Things were ever changing, she’d quickly went from a young teenager to young woman. Leonardo on the other hand hadn’t changed at all, his appearance hadn’t even so much as dulled. “Leonardo…” she’d asked. “Hmm?” He was getting up from his chair, giving her that same smile he always had. “How old are you?” He grinned further, “a man never tells his secrets” she frowned, “you’ve told me that before.” He chuckled. “doesn’t surprise me. Till next time Alba.” He went to walk out the doors of her home, but what she’d said next shocked him. His back stiffening, forcing him to turn back around to face her. “I don’t know what you are, but I know you’re not like regular people. You gave me that same answer when I first met you. Just know, whatever it is I’ll never be scared of you.” He knew she’d never be scared of him, even if she did know what exactly he was, but boy was he afraid of her. Ever changing, getting older while he stayed the same. He feared to be close to another human and loose them, such fleeting creatures although he couldn’t help but be there for them, be there for her. Eventually since she practically found out for herself the secrets of his vampire life, he coaxed Comte into allowing her to come to the mansion to do his hair. In turn she got an entire mansion full of new clients.

Vincent (close friend): After being invited to the mansion by Leonardo to do hair, Alba immediately began making new relationships with the others. Vincent’s kind demeanor made him the easiest person for her to get on with from the very beginning, he also took a lot of interest in her in general. Always looking for new inspiration for his art he would simply watch as she did hair, painting the scene of her. Unlike some of the others he was very open and was easy to trust. After months of her coming in and out there came a time when the three girls had to come with her to the mansion. They’d play outside giving Vincent even more inspiration for painting. “Alba, would it be alright to paint the girls in the field?” They were always doing something interesting leaving him with tons of happy nature scenes to paint.

Theo (possible romance? 😏): At first he was one of the only residents who paid no mind to Alba. Not even bothering to be serviced by her when she came over. It happened more then once where he’d be looking for Vincent and see him in thralled in a painting of her. “Broer, This woman again? What do you find so fascinating about her?” Vincent just claimed to want to paint and it was something different from a regular scene. “Theo, could we show this peice at our next event?” He hesitated. “You should paint another of her for the event, we should hold on to this one.” He’d admire his work of her in the art room from time to time, wondering why he felt an attraction to the piece of a woman he hadn’t even really met. Months began to pass and Vincent would begin to spend lots of time with Alba outside of mansion. They’d go to brunch, little outings at the park, ect. Of course Theo being Theo, he just absolutely needed to know what his little brother was up to. If he knew where they’d be going that day,he’d sneak a peak on his way to the next job. One of the occasions they were out walking Bo, he noticed Theo watching/lingering in the distance and took off his way. Her dog barked and growled like mad and sent Theo falling on his butt, Alba and Vincent came down the road running. “Broer! Are you alright??” A worried vincent helped his brother up. “Im so sorry about that, I’ve never seen him act this way towards anyone before!” Alba grabbed Bo, struggling with him to calm down. Theo spit out, “Tch! Control your little friend hondjie!” A knot appeared between your brow, “excuse me? What did you just call me?” That’s how you two met officially, not to mention the first of many many bickering matches. Although the last the two spoke, Theo showed a new side of himself. “Alba, We’re having a show later this week. Vincent wanted to display one of the paintings he made of you that day.” You simply nodded, “yeah, I’ve heard from Vincent already and gave him permission.” He sighed, “that’s not what I’m asking. I wanted to invite you to go see the display for yourself.” She hesitated a moment. “Well… I was supposed to cook the kids an early dinner that night. I’m not sure-” cutting her off he rushed the words out, “That’s fine, dinners on me and the girls can come. I’m sure Vincent will join us afterwards aswell.” This really caught her by surprise. She’s be lying if she said Theo wasn’t dangerously attractive. His attitude on the other hand… wasn’t something you thought you were fond of. Seeing the pink blush on his cheeks now as he asked to see you on the other hand… now that was something she couldn’t shake. She wanted more of this and couldn’t tell you why.

[dhwty-writes]

Goodbyes

We’re almost done! Part 6 of @heyabooboo‘s gift for @thewitchersecretsanta.

I'M SORRY! I know it was mean to end the last chapter like that, but I couldn't resist. I won't keep you waiting any longer, here's the second to last chapter: 

Summary: Jaskier has lost the Game of Fools. Before he says goodbye forever, he asks for one last favour.

Moodboard by the amazing @petrificustotaluss

Warnings: references to depression

Read on AO3

part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 | part 6 | part 7

'It truly is the softest silk,' he thought as the white robes settled on his body. 'The chains are a bit heavy, though I suppose shackles are meant to be.' Maybe he could bargain to be relieved of those later. He had a lot of time, now.

He blinked his eyes open to see he had traded places with Geralt. He was kneeling at the deity's feet while the witcher stood before him; bloodied and bruised, his hair a matted mess, clad in black leather. "Jaskier," he whispered, disbelievingly.

Slowly, a smile spread on his face. "There," he said softly. "That's better."

"What- no! What is happening?" Furious, he turned to the deity, all the docile tranquillity that now settled in Jaskier's mind gone, replaced with outrage, disbelief, fear. "We made a deal," his voice was quivering uncharacteristically. "You said you'd leave them be as long as I'd stay. You said you wouldn't lay a finger on him!"

There was something strange about Geralt's statement, something that Jaskier's clouded mind couldn't quite grasp. "It's alright," he promised just as the deity answered: "We did. Until he offered a better one. I might be a god, but he chose this fate and there is nought that I can do. Just as little as you. There is no entity stronger than the own free will of a man. He will stay until the day that he completes the task."

Jaskier blinked slowly. That might be the most the deity had said to him since his arrival. "Task?" he echoed weakly. When had talking become so hard? "What task?"

"Funny that you should ask." They carded their fingers through his hair and he couldn't help but lean into the touch. It still burned, though not as much as when he had touched them before. "I already told you," they soothed. "Follow the rules, that's all you have to do."

"Free will or not," Geralt growled, "I am not about to accept this. It is my own free will to say that I am staying. Let him go."

"I can't," they answered simply, "and I shan't. Your soul belongs to me no more, that's what he is paying for. It was won, fair and square. You can go, he'll be fine within my care."

"No!" he insisted and stepped forward, one hand already going for the sword.

They held up their hand in warning. "Go ahead and draw your sword," they said, almost sounding amused, "and you'll end up where you were before. With no-one to save you anymore. Your freedom was won, so go on: leave."

Helpless, Jaskier watched as the witcher growled and narrowed his eyes and the deity raised their hand, lighting curling around it. He had to do something. "Wait!" he blurted and leapt to his feet before he even knew what he was doing. Both of them turned to him. "I— I should be granted a favour, I believe."

Geralt's brows knit together in confusion, but the deity only chuckled. "And why is that?"

"For putting up a fight."

They crossed their arms defiantly, but at least the lightning stopped. "Alright. Ask your favour, then."

"I won't see him again," it wasn't a question. "This is no realm that welcomes him. I— May I say my farewell? There's... one last truth I need to tell."

Suddenly, their expression softened. "Be my guest."

Carefully, and with shaking knees Jaskier inched towards Geralt. He was half expecting the deity to withdraw their permission halfway there, but then he was standing next to his witcher and being pulled into a tight embrace. He almost forgot to breathe and was gasping for air once Geralt released him again. Though that might also be attributed to the sobs shaking his body.

"I'm sorry," he whispered quietly enough that he hoped that the deity couldn't hear them. Those were very slim hopes, however.

"Don't be," Geralt lied, "it's not your fault."

Jaskier's heart clenched. 'Only that it is.' It was him who had been foolish enough to enter into this world. Who had been foolish enough to challenge a god. Foolish enough to think he could win. 'It was always going to end like this.'

"Jaskier," he said insistently, "Jaskier, look at me." Slowly, he raised his gaze to comply. "I won't leave you here to your demise. I will come back for you and I will get you out of here. You know that right, you—"

"No," he shook his head adamantly. "No, Geralt, please don't—"

But the witcher didn't hear him, and if he did, the selective deafness stroke again: "I won't let them take you away from me, do you understand that? You just need to be a bit patient, alright? Wait for me."

"I won't," he replied with a steadier voice than he would have thought possible.

"Jaskier—"

"Shh, Geralt." He put a finger over his witcher's lips to shut him up. "We don't have much time. Just once in your life I need you to listen to me. Can you do that?"

"Just—"

"Can you do that?" he asked again, more insistently this time. Geralt nodded slowly and Jaskier wet his lips with his tongue nervously. "When I came here, I was fully aware that this outcome was an option," he began explaining quietly. “Not my preferred one, of course, but an option nevertheless. I wouldn't have entered this world if I hadn't been willing to bear the consequences."

He breathed in and out shakily. "I am more than willing to stay if it means that you walk free. If you— If you want to help me, there's one thing you can do."

"Anything," Geralt said. It sounded so desperate that for one moment Jaskier could imagine that he knew the extent of such a promise. So desperate that for one moment he almost regretted what he had done.

'Focus,' he told himself. He was doing this for Geralt, after all. "I need you to wake up. I need you to go back to your sorceress and your child surprise, your brothers and your friends, all the people you love. And then—" He gulped. "And then I need you to forget about me. Do not come back. Do not bargain for my release. Do not go looking for a cure, for there is none. I will return when my time is done, and maybe if the fates are kind, you and I will meet again."

"But—"

"No buts, Geralt. If you have any respect for me and our friendship, do as I say. Don't you dare waste what I just gave you. Don't you dare trade your soul for mine again, don't you dare waste your life with grief. Did I make myself clear?"

"Yes."

"Good." Jaskier nodded, his whole body trembling. "Good. One more thing. There's something I... have for you. A parting gift, if you will. One last song, if you will have it."

"I... I will. Always."

Jaskier nodded and pulled him down to his knees with him. He'd rather do that in a position where he might not be in danger of collapsing spontaneously. His lute appeared in his hands, his fingers settling on the strings as if it was as natural as breathing. He plucked the first notes, breathed in and— hesitated.

"Fuck," he cursed quietly. 'I can't do it, I can't—' It was the one song he had written that never was supposed to be heard. The one song he had only dared to compose when he was overcome with heartache and grief, incapable of keeping all those feelings inside without combusting. The one song that was nowhere to be found, not a single line written on so much as a scrap. And now he was supposed to sing it to the last person who was ever supposed to hear it?

"Jaskier," Geralt said sheepishly, almost ashamed, "I lied."

That was enough to snap him out of his spiralling thoughts. "What?!" What on earth was that damned moron talking about now? Jaskier was having an existential crisis, thank you very much, and—

"I lied," he said again. "So many times. Your singing is no annoyance, no fillingless pie. I love it and I do not yet know how I shall lead a life without it. Without you. Please. Don't be afraid of me."

Somehow, that was all it took. "Never," he promised. He could only hope that Geralt knew the truth of that statement. From the first moment he had seen him in that shitty tavern in Posada, Jaskier could never imagine to be afraid of him, witcher or not. And how could he be? How could he fear a man as fiercely loyal and stubbornly kind as Geralt?

'I'm not afraid of you,' he wanted to tell him, but Geralt, as a witcher, as the Butcher of Blaviken, was feared by so many people. He couldn't allow him to believe for even a moment that Jaskier even thought about doing so himself. And so, there was nothing to be done but sing:

"I found you when you were so lonely

And I was on my own as well.

In spite of your nature, you took me in your heart,

Now I’ve got this story to tell.

 I could hear the song of our heartbeats.

Within but an hour I knew

That I will love you ‘til the end of all time.

Each day I fall for you anew.

 For you I’ll always wait

Although chance might tear our Paths asunder.

Against the whims of fate,

I will wait while you wander.

 A monster is roaming the forest,

I laugh as I hear a wolf howl.

No devil of hell is bloodcurdling or fright’ning,

They all fear the White Wolf’s growl.

 A demon they call you; I don’t care

‘bout that or if you love me.

My heart’s yours to keep, for better or worse

Your side is where I choose to be.

 My friend, I’ll always wait

Although chance might tear our Paths asunder.

Against the whims of fate,

I will wait while you wander.

 Your first laugh was brighter than sunshine.

When you laughed I did nearly faint.

But our life is not made of innocent pleasure,

Not this peaceful picture I paint.

 I’m cursed, for I fell for a wand’rer.

Your Path is so ruthless and long.

I’m twice cursed for my fate is that of a dreamer

I blink, and I turn, and you’re gone.

 My dear, I’ll always wait

Although chance might tear our Paths asunder.

Against the whims of fate,

I will wait while you wander.

 Now I wander through the dark wasteland

At the hour of loneliness

No moon, star, or sun to cast but a mere beam

As I long for your soft caress.

 A wealth of truths I failed to confess

In all of the poems you’ll miss.

The Path’s taking you far and farther afield

While I’m dreaming of your sweet kiss.

 My heart, I’ll always wait

Although chance might tear our Paths asunder.

Against the whims of fate,

I will wait while you wander.

 I sob as I curl up on my cot.

Without you my camp is too bare.

My terror’s my pillow, despair is my blanket;

I’m wishing that you were still there.

 I fear this time you won’t come back here

You’ve fallen into the abyss.

I wonder if I should have bid you farewell

With that accursed ill-fated kiss.

 My love, I’ll always wait

Although chance might tear our Paths asunder.

Against the whims of fate,

I will wait while you wander.

 Dear heart, I’ll always wait.

I swear I’ll always stay."

Jaskier gasped quietly as the song ended. His head spun and his breath came raggedly as if he had forgotten to breathe throughout his performance. Maybe he had. Still, he wiped at the tears on his cheeks, put on a brave smile and asked: "Well? How about a review? Three words or less."

"Hmm." Geralt was frowning deeply, his expression so clouded with a whirlwind of emotions that not even Jaskier had the slightest idea what was going on in his head. Then, finally, he said: "It's not true."

"What is not true?" he meant to ask. But before such words could leave his mouth, he was silenced by Geralt's lips. Taken aback by the sudden motion, he tensed up. 'Salty,' was his first thought, 'and wet.' Was Geralt crying, too? He could scarcely believe it. Geralt had told him witchers couldn't cry. But he'd also told him they couldn't blush, the liar.

A hand slipped into his hair, carding softly through it, while Geralt snaked an arm around his waist and— 'Oh,' he realised belatedly, 'Geralt is kissing me.' It took him a moment to process that shock before he remembered that kisses were supposed to be a two-man-act and that he should probably start kissing Geralt back.

'Great gods,' he thought, 'I can kiss Geralt back!' With a desperate whine he let his lute drop to the ground, for once uncaring for the consequences—this was a paranormal netherworld that existed beyond what any mortal could grasp with its mind, after all, he doubted the lute would mind—and looped his arms around Geralt's neck to pull him in tight. Because after years of endlessly seemingly unrequited pining he was finally allowed to.

And now all he got was one farewell kiss.

After what felt like an eternity, they pulled apart. "It's not true," Geralt said again. "You make it sound like I don't love you as well, and that's not true. I love you, Jaskier. It scares me, but I do, more than you can imagine."

"Oh. I love you, too." He kissed him again. If only he had known that earlier. That would have changed everything. Only that it wouldn't have. Geralt still would have entered into the ruin. Jaskier still would have followed him to the netherworld. He still would have lost. They still would have been doomed to spend their lives apart.

"Your time is up," the deity commanded with a booming voice.

"I'm sorry," Jaskier said again. "Farewell, my love," he whispered and kissed him one last time. "Don't wait for me."

Thunder roared.

He blinked.

He found himself looking eye to eye at the deity, who stared down at their chest in disbelief. "Thank you," they whispered as if they couldn't quite understand what was going on either. Lightning cracked like a whip. They groaned and sank to one knee. Jaskier surged forward to keep them from falling, but he wasn't fast enough.

Thunder roared. Wind surged up, mingling with the darkness receding from their body.

He blinked.

The shackles disappeared around his wrists and fell to the ground. "What—"

"Jaskier!" Geralt yelled, trapped on the other side of an impenetrable wall of storm clouds and lightning. "What's happening?"

"It hurts," they whimpered curling in on themself. "Please, it hurts so bad."

"What does?" Jaskier asked. "Tell me, how can I help you?"

An agonised scream escaped their lips. "My heart," they sobbed. Thunder roared again. A deep crack appeared on the grey, stony surface of their chest. "It's breaking again." The stone splintered further. The light filtering through the rifts was almost blinding. Not angry lightning, but soft, soothing sunlight.

"No," he said softly. "You're starting to feel again."

"I'm hurting!" they disagreed, their voice almost drowned out by the thunder of another crack appearing. "Don't you see? How can that be better than feeling nothing at all?"

"It will get better," Jaskier promised because there was nothing else, he could think of to say. "It hurts, but it will get better." And then, because apparently, he had lost his sanity somewhere in the netherworld, he surged forward and pulled them into a tight hug.

Thunder roared and the first wave of pain punched the air from his lungs. "Great gods," he wheezed. The trials had been barely a pinch in comparison. Still, he refused to let go.

"What are you doing?" they sobbed, uselessly shoving at his shoulders. "I'm hurting you." As if that would get him to let go. He was as stupid as a turd and as stubborn as a mule with no sense of self-preservation, after all. And he knew exactly how they felt. The emptiness. The numbness. The nothing. And the heartbreak, the agony when the stone encasing your heart finally crumbled away.

"I know," he said, pigheadedly holding them even tighter. "But alone you're hurting even more." He squeezed them and heard the stone crack again. "It will be over soon. It will be better."

Thunder roared. Lightning flared. They both cried and sobbed in unison.

He blinked.

The storm died and the wall of darkness around them dropped. Above the sun had reached its zenith, the sickly orange washed away.

He blinked. 

He was lying on the ground, his sweat-soaked hair plastered against his forehead and breathing heavily. When he stretched out his hand, he could feel the deity's next to his. "You did it," he whispered and grasped their fingers. Their touch was pleasant and warm, like a ray of sunshine after a cold spring day.

"No," they answered. "You did." They fought themself to their feet.

Jaskier's breath hitched. They were even more beautiful than before. Their body was still engulfed in swirling mist and snow, their skin still the same tan colour. But instead of darkness shrouding them, they were glowing now. Not with violently flashing lightning, but a soft reddish glow. 'Like the sky eternally stuck in sunset.' Their long hair floated behind them as if they were surrounded by water instead of air. And in their chest where the grey expanse of stone had been, was now a swirling sphere of golden light. They tilted their head to the side, their eyes sparkling kindly.

"Jaskier!" his attention was diverted by Geralt looming over him with a worried look on his face. "Are you alright? Talk to me, Jaskier, what happened."

"I'm fine," he croaked and let him pull him to his feet, leaning heavily on him, "I think."

"You are free to go," the deity answered in his stead, "if you wish so."

Geralt's grasp on his waist tightened at that. "I am?" Jaskier asked, confused. "But I lost."

"No, you paid the cost," they insisted and bowed their head. "With your song you freed me from my throne. A song to melt a heart of stone."

"I did? I didn't know."

"And maybe it's better so. Go now, both of you. Wake up, but be careful as you do. You are safe within this world, but on the journey back you're on your own. You'll have to find your way alone. Do not get lost."

Jaskier pried Geralt's arm away, to manage a deep bow. "Thank you," he said, earnestly grateful, "for your advice. And for keeping your word."

They smiled. "I might be a dreamer, coward, and a fool, but I am not a liar, too. Enjoy your freedom."

"We will," he promised and turned to Geralt. "Come on, love. It's time. Let's go home."

Geralt frowned darkly. "How do we do that?"

Jaskier chuckled. "Of course, you wouldn't understand," he mumbled with fond adoration. Geralt opened his mouth to say something, but Jaskier was faster: "It's easy," he promised. "As easy as breathing." He put his hand over Geralt's eyes. "Close your eyes," he instructed him. "Take a deep breath. Just like you taught me." He waited until his witcher's breathing evened out. "Good. And now, love, imagine waking up."

Geralt heaved another breath. Jaskier kissed him on the lips. "I'll be with you in just a moment," he promised.

He blinked.

“Jaskier,” the deity said softly. Geralt was gone and Jaskier found himself alone in an empty garden with a deity. He turned around to them. 

“He’s gone,” he whispered, relieved. 

“He is. You showed him how.” 

He gnawed on his lip, nervously. "Could Geralt have left at any time? Is this a prison of his design?"

They hummed thoughtfully, contemplating that question. "It is and it's not. He owed me, after all. But after paying his price, yes, he could have left." They sighed. "But," the deity continued, "he couldn't have."

"He could have never imagined," Jaskier whispered.

"No," the Deity said softly, then scrunched up their nose. "Are you certain it's him you want? You can do so much better than that."

"No," Jaskier answered with a dreamy smile. "I can't imagine that."

"Such words from you. I wouldn't have thought it possible." They smiled. "I have a question for you, too, flower, one answer that finally is due. Say it, friend, do not be shy, so this chapter finally can end. Tell me, who am I?"

He thought for a short while before answering: "I thought you were the patron of dreams, but here nothing is quite like it seems. Who you are, you want to know? You are who you create yourself to be. Just like I. Fate's around our necks like a noose, but what matters in the end is what we choose. I am not who I have been, nor am I who still will come. Reality will bow to your whim, and to mine, until I am gone. We are who we create, deity or not, we share the same fate."

"So, you do understand," they said, a satisfied smile spreading on their face. "From the moment I laid eyes on you, I knew you were divine as well."

"I am," Jaskier agreed, understanding. "You are not alone."

"Neither are you. There is a witcher waiting for you."

He smiled. "And I will go to him in just a moment," he promised, "but… What about you? What will happen when I’m gone?”

"You go back to your life," they answered with a sad smile, "I go back to mine. It will be fine."

"It won't." He frowned. "You will be lonely again."

"If that's Fate's will, so be it then."

He huffed. "I did not just bear the brunt of your pain only for it to happen all over again. What will you do when I'm not around anymore? What will you do when you turn to stone again?"

They laughed weakly and shook their head. "Your concern is cute, but uncalled for. Not even a god lives long enough to turn to stone twice in their life."

"Not even a god?" he frowned. "Can it happen to mortals, too?"

"Worry not, my flower dear," they replied. "You're not in danger here. Humans might grow still, but they die before they petrify. As will I, once the loneliness returns."

“In that case, friend, I have one last offer to present. A priest you want, you say?" He bowed with a flourish. "It would be my highest honour to take on that duty for you. I might not pray or know how to raise a temple But I can make people believe in you. I can make people imagine."

"That you can," they agreed. "The honour would be mine, priest." They held up their hand. "Before you go. Might you show me what you've created?"

"Of course. Come and look your fill."

He blinked.

There was a wooden door hovering in the air over the wintery garden. He turned the doorknob and stepped aside to let the deity peer through, but not before sneaking a glance as well.

The lake was still there, and it was still winter, too. But instead of the playing children there was a cottage on the shore, with a bench overlooking the scenery. On it sat an elderly couple, leaning against each other and smiling.

They smiled. "It's beautiful."

"Thank you. If you want it, it belongs to you. Talking flowers, birds, and all."

They giggled. It sounded strange out of their mouth, strange and familiar at once. "I should have known I'd find that in your world. I look forward to visiting."

"And I look forward to returning," Jaskier answered. "Invite us again once our days on earth are done. We will come."

"Once the day of both your deaths arrives, I will. But ‘till then I’ll stand guard, so that none without the other parts. So now: farewell."

He was hesitant almost when he said: "I shall be taking my leave."

"You shall. Good riddance, priest."

Jaskier stood and turned. "It was an honour meeting you," he said and bowed deeply. "Farewell, Nehaleni."

The deity looked almost surprised for a moment, but Jaskier was already imagining.

He blinked.

[sweetwritertanya]

Dormant Heart (Part 5)

Author’s Note: The final part! I really hope you all like it. It was just a short little story that came to mind after I read a few fanfictions about zombies and I’m really happy with how it turned out. Hope you are too!

Summary: Life becomes blank for you as you try to come to terms with what happened. Still very much drowning in hurt, your city celebrates an unexpected discovery that will change the future.

Warnings: there is SMUT mixed with fluff and plot on this final part. Namely, be aware of: swearing, erotic body touching, unprotected sex (because is the apocalypse, but please be smart IRL). Also, the main character is a bit depressed at first, although I don’t go too deep about it. I don’t think is very triggering, but keep that in mind.

Word Count: 3939

It took you so many weeks to even be able to get out of your room. You barely got out of your bed for a while, your brother having to take your food and even force you to eat it the first days. You never looked at him, or even addressed him at all. You blamed him too much for the hurt you were feeling.

The only paint you could compare it to was of when you lost your parents. But that was at the beginning of the apocalypse, when you and John were forced to keep moving to survive. So it’s not like you ever really mourned their death properly.

Now… Now it was like everything you repressed was coming up, every loss you ever had on your life, your parents, your friends, your one chance of love… You were sure Liam was the love of your life. Even after the end of the world, you were able to found him. It was an absolute miracle. No one would ever love you like that again, and you would never love someone that way again.

You questioned what was even the point anymore. But those dark thoughts were quickly pushed away whenever your older brother came in the room.

Yes, you hated him. You would never forgive him, never forget the absolute agony he created. However, if you tried to see the situation from his eyes, you could understand why he did it. You never told him Liam was a different Dormant from the rest. In his perspective, he only knew you went missing and that he found you with a Dormant behind you, while you were still responsive. Like he always did, your brother was trying to protect you.

The way he walked in your room every day, the way he raised the shaky fork to your mouth, so you would eat, the way he swallowed lumps in his throat. You could tell he was stressed, panicked even. He had never seen you like this.

You were everything he had too. Although he made friends in the city, you knew you were the one person he would protect above all else. And that’s why you couldn’t leave him. It would brake him if you did.

It was hard not to blame yourself also. Every night, these pesky questions and alternative scenarios came across your mind, tugging your shattered heart’s strings. Maybe if you told John about Liam, try to get across to him… Maybe, if you had taken him to the labs and insisted of staying with him, to make sure they wouldn’t kill him… Maybe if you had thought of another place to stay, even if you knew of no other safe place from zombies, if only you looked for one…

If anyone saw you those first weeks, they would think you were a Dormant yourself. Your skin was paler than usual, dark circles under your bloodshot eyes, gaze distant and lost. When you finally got out of your room, to go eat in the cafeteria at lunch like everyone else, nobody asked you what happened. They kind of kept their distance, like they usually would. You heard some whispers here and there, but you were too fragile still to care.

“Hey, Y/N” your brother called, sitting carefully next to you at the table, pushing a tray he fetched for you, filled with food, in your direction. It seemed fuller than usual and you saw his portion was a bit smaller. You sighed, realizing he had given you part of his food and hoped you wouldn’t notice. “Today is not raining, isn’t that great?”

It had been raining heavily the last few days and John knew you preferred sunny weather. It was usually better for reading. But now you didn’t care. You weren’t even sure if you would ever open a book again. Just the thought of it hurt.

You ignored him like always, but allowed him to eat beside you instead of trying to move away. A part of you knew you would have to talk to him eventually, maybe try to explain to him what happened and why you were reacting like this. Unfortunately, that seemed to take a lot longer than you were anticipating. It’s been over a month and you still couldn’t bring yourself to do it. It may end up taking years at this rate for you to address him again. Because the pain was not subsiding as the days went by. You were just slowly getting used to hurting instead.

Then, it was like the universe was mocking your pain.

During lunch one day, a huge commission was heard coming from the gates. People started whispering and talking among themselves about what could be happening, some already grabbing their guns and going outside. You kept yourself sited, not as interested as everyone seemed to be. Then, one of the guards of the gate came rushing in, a bewildered look on his face, a smile threatening to tug his lips.

“T-They found it” he said. There was a moment of confused silence as he looked around with wide eyes. “They found it! They found a CURE!”

Everyone started cheering, hugging each other and chuckling in the happiest of joys, a feeling of hope and union bonding everybody at such good news. But you… You were a weeping mess. Your face was hidden in between your hands and you were sobbing uncontrollably. Of course. Of course a cure was found now that the one person you wished to cure above all was no longer with you. Fate seemed incredibly cruel at that moment.

Your brother placed a hand on your shoulder and shook it slightly, pressing you to look at him. You stared through tears at John, noticing how he wasn’t happy and celebrating like everyone else. Instead, he was concerned with you. And you felt a bit guilty for that too.

“L-Liam… L-Liam!...”

Those were the first words you said to him since that day and were absolutely full of grief and aching pain. Pressing his lips together and tearing up himself, John pushed you against his chest and just held you as you cried, patting your head and rubbing your arm, trying to comfort you.

“I’m sorry, Y/N. I’m so sorry, baby sister” he murmured.

You continued to cry for the next several minutes, as everyone was still celebrating around you, optimism in their eyes, people thanking heavens and already making plans for the future that seemed brighter now.

“Wanna go to your room?” he asked, wiping away the persistent tears staining your cheeks. You just nod and he pulled you up, guiding you through the rejoicing crowd, in direction of your building.

In order to get to your room, you had to pass by the gates to the outside. A lot of people seemed to be agglomerating there, around a car you didn’t recognize. You didn’t think too much about it, you just wanted to hide in your room for the next few hours.

Some people were calling for John, probably his friends that wanted to celebrate with him. But he just ignored them and kept walking with you, an arm around your shoulder. They were, whoever, very persistent.

“John! Say, John! John!” some guy called.

“What?!” you brother finally barked back, looking at the guy with frustration.

“Someone is asking for your sister” he explained.

That made no sense. Your brother was basically the only person that would ever think about you in this city. Frowning, you looked up in the direction of the guy who called John. He pointed in the direction of the car and you followed his guidance, noticing some jumping people moving out of the way as someone made their way through the multitude.

Dirty sneakers, dark jeans and a green hoodie. A square jaw-line, full small pink lips, straight nose, big clear hazel eyes and dark brown hair with a side fringe. It was like the whole world stopped moving, like everything else was just a blur of colors and the sounds were distant, almost as if underwater. You heard your heart skip a beat for the first time since weeks ago, the soreness on your broken heart lift as hope tangled your chest in a breathtaking way. Weak knees were forced to move forward, into what you prayed, for all that was good, that was not some kind of hallucination on your part.

You would have run if you had the strengths to, but it wasn’t needed. He ran fast enough for the both of you as soon as his eyes set on you, a painful relief echoed on his expression. All your fears and hurt were gone the moment he crushed into you.

Enveloping you in the tightest, warmest, most loving hug you had ever had, you started sobbing again, but this time out of pure disbelief and happiness. His arms were wrapping around your shoulders, keeping you as close as possible as he hid his face in the junction between you shoulder and neck, taking a deep breath of your scent as he trembled slightly.

“L-Liam…!” you cried out, arms around his waist, holding him so tight with the fear he could disappear at any given moment. But as you felt the weight of his body against yours, the feeling of his skin and hair brushing you, the odor he emitted, you knew he was real. “I-I… I thought you w-were!” You couldn’t even talk properly, sobs interrupting you constantly.

“I know. I know.” He whispered against the side of your head, kissing your temple, making you shiver with the familiar gesture. “My Y/N… My sweet, brave Y/N.”

“Y/N” you heard your brother’s voice call. You looked back, not really letting go of Liam still, in order to see the cautious and confused expression on John’s face. “Whatever in the hell is going on here, you may want to go somewhere else to talk it out.”

Looking around, you realized that, although most people were too enveloped on celebrating the huge achievement, some had noticed you and Liam. And were starting to stare and whisper among themselves.

“Right. Come with me, Liam.” You grabbed his hand, soul swelling up as he entangled your fingers in his, and guided him in the direction of your room.

Trying to get by unnoticed, you opened the door to your room and entered first, trying to tidy up the place a bit since cleaning was the least of your concerns when you were in your depressed state.

“Sorry, it’s a bit messy, but-” Your train of thought was interrupted when the door slammed shut and suddenly Liam’s lips were upon yours.

Yelping a bit in surprise, you soon relaxed and offered absolutely no resistance, for you had given up on ever feeling like this again. His lips were moving avidly and hungrily against yours, a pleased hum vibrating in his throat. You responded in even measure, arms around his neck pulling him even closer as you parted your lips to deepen the kiss, wanting to feel him as close and humanly possible.

You moaned at the accustomed sensation of his warm tongue moving against yours, exploring your mouth all over again as if he had never kissed you before. He groaned back at your sounds, never lifting his lips from yours, hands gripping and squeezing the flesh of your back and sides, anywhere he could reach.

Not even realized you were moving, the back of your knees crashed against the mattress of your bed, making you both fall on top of it. Liam was not nearly satiated enough of touching your soft skin, mouth moving to leave warm wet kissed down the side of your neck and into your shoulder, his big hands moving down your curvaceous sides to lift the shirt you were wearing, so he could feel the warm skin of your back and belly.

He was on his knees, so that not all his weight was on top of you, but you were running your hands down and up the expanse of his back, pulling him ever so slowly closer. Liam stopped his kisses when his hands gripped the hem of your already pulled up shirt, lust-blown eyes staring into yours in a silent request. You nod your head and he pulled the shirt off you. In a moment of courage, probably due to your own longing and need to feel him close, you reached behind you and undid the hook of your bra, throwing it somewhere in the room.

Now that his eyes were clear, no longer glassy like before, you could see every slight movement of his ever growing smaller hazel iris, as he stared at you like you were the most amazing thing he had ever laid eyes upon.

“You’re so beautiful, Y/N. Fuck, I can’t control myself when I’m with you.” As if to prove his raspy shaking words, he threw himself at you, hands kneading at your breasts and his mouth covered your nipple, flickering and sucking on it.

You whimpered and moaned as he continued to bury his head on your chest, playful hands grabbing your meaty flesh wherever he could grasp. You felt the most frustrating heat flaring up on your core, feeling yourself growing wetter at any slight movement of his. Searching for some kind of friction to alleviate your aching center, your hips moved up against his leg, your own thigh rubbing against the standing erection inside his pants, making him hiss.

“Oh, fuck… Y/N, if you do that-”

But he wasn’t able to finish his sentence, for your hips moved out of their own volition again and he released an animalistic lustful growl from the back of his throat as he lifted his head up, closing his eyes in the process. The sound sent shivers down your spine and went straight to your coiling womb.

“Liam…” The erotic way you called his name seemed to make him snap.

Pulling your tight pants off your chunky legs, followed by his own trousers and boxers, you licked your lips at the sight of his flushed, dark pink, throbbing shaft pressed stiff against his lower stomach. He hooked his fingers on the sides of your panties and slowly removed them as well, his gaze dirty with lust never leaving your gentle body.

Coming in between your knees, he marveled at the glistening slit waiting for him. You were biting you bottom lip in embarrassment, but your need was overtaking everything right now.

“Liam, please” you beg.

He shifts down to move against your lips again, in an eagerly kiss, you swallowing down his muffled moans when his member presses against your folds as he pressed his body to yours. He comes up to inhale shakily, forehead pressing against yours.

Eyes locked on each other, both with flushed faces, he slowly entered you until he was completely bottomed out. Words escape you as you open your mouth but no sound comes up, the immensely satisfying feeling of having him inside and stretching you where you wanted him the most leaving you at a loss for words.

“My Y/N… My perfect Y/N” he whispers against your ear when he starts moving. “So warm and tight and slick… Fuck!”

Although he made to start slow, the circumstances soon made him speed up. You were finally together again after weeks of heartbreaking separation, you thinking he was dead all this time, and now you had finally been reunited and he was on top of you, warming you, filling you up, his soft skin under your fingertips and a heart beating heavily on his chest.

Your hips were moving up to meet his halfway, an erratic rhythm being formed between you two. He was kissing and nibbling at the flesh of your neck, liking where he sucked too hard, hands gripping your love-handles to keep him steady. You were a moaning mess under him, arching your back to keep him close, grasping at his lower back and around his shoulder, the knot on your lower abdomen coming dangerously close to snap with each fast and deep shove of his pelvis against you.

The pressing sound of skin against skin, the way he was exhaling your name in shaky breaths, the feeling of his alive heartbeat under your hand and the throbbing of his member inside of you, hitting a sweet spot when he suddenly changed the angle of his thrusts just a tad, made you scream out his name as your body shook with the intense pleasure that radiated from your core, your walls clenching around him so tightly that his thrusts became sloppy and soon he was painting them white, his own body jolting at the strong pleasurable release.

He fell on top of you, both patting heavily with him hiding his face against your shoulder. After a few moments of recollecting, he pressed a sweet kiss to your neck and slipped out of you, landing on his side but a hand on your back pulling your chest close to him.

“I don’t know what I did to deserve you, Y/N” he confessed in a lazy whisper.

You smiled content against his shoulder, closing your eyes as you focused on the thumps of his heart. A hand was roaming his bare side and back as you spoke.

“I’m the one who doesn’t deserve you” you countered back.

At that, he moved the hand that was on your plushy waist to your chubby cheek, forcing you to raise your head and look him in the eyes. They were serious and full of sentiment.

“I don’t think you understand, Y/N. You are the sole reason I’m even alive right now” he said.

You furrowed you eyebrows at that, pouting slightly as you raised your hand to brush against the recent scars on his shoulder blade.

“My brother almost shot you dead because of me, Liam” you recalled.

“I would have died in those cells or in a lab if you didn’t get me out” he rebutted, thumb brushing your skin. “Your brother was merciful enough to not shot me in the head once he got you away. Probably because he heard me call your name.”

“Really? He never told me that” you murmured, suddenly unsure of how to feel about your brother. After all, he had not killed Liam. But he probably thought he did. And nonetheless, he shot him even as you begged him not to. You would need to have a long and deep conversation with him soon.

“I was able to remember where I was from” he told you, kissing your forehead softly. “When your brother shot me, I remembered shooting zombies before. I was a scavenger back in my safe city. I and the rest of my team were running away from a herd of zombies to the other side of the bridge, where we had a car, when the bridge collapsed. I was the only one who didn’t make it and was bitten.”

You kissed his chest in a reassuring manner as he kept telling you his story. This was what you always hoped he could remember, back when he was still a Dormant. He knew so much about you, and you knew so little about him. You wanted to learn more about him too.

“I went back to the city when your brother went away. The wounds stopped bleeding after you were gone. Remember how I said my heart beat faster when you were around?” You nodded your head. “Apparently there was a reason for that. When I went back, the only reason they didn’t shoot me on sight was because I was speaking, calling out my teammates’ names. Immediately I was sent for the labs and they extracted blood samples from me. It seems I had developed some kind of antibodies strong enough to immobilize the virus, although not strong enough to eradicate it completely.”

You stared up at him in amazement, your mouth hanging open.

“You are the reason we have a cure?” You were astonished.

“Only because I met you first” he continued explaining, smiling at your expression. “The antibodies prevented the virus from spreading too much, but the only reason I was able to talk, to move, to feel like a normal human being was because of you. Because I fell in love with you, making the areas in my brain that the virus usually kept dormant come back to life. So, in a sense, if you want to be really tacky about it, our love was the cure.”

You both chuckled at that silly statement, even though it was very much true. He pressed a soft kiss against your smiling lips, pulling the blanket that was at your feet up, your bare skin growing slightly cold where it wasn’t pressed against his warm body.

“With a few modifications, the scientists were able to work their magic and came up with a cure. Although we still think it may be impossible to cure full-blown zombies, the Dormants can be cured. And if everyone gets vaccinated, the bites won’t be dangerous anymore. I was their first test subject for the cure.”

“Did… Did it take this long? Is that why you didn’t come here faster?” you asked, thinking of all the pain that could have been avoided if you only knew he was alive.

His arms wrapped around you in a crushing embrace, his chin resting on top of your head. He kept you like this so you couldn’t see the hurt look on his face as he spoke.

“I didn’t know if I would survive, Y/N. Not only getting to the city, but also the tests in the lab and testing for the cure… I was scared the whole time. Scared I might never see you again” he confessed, almost in a choke.

Feeling your eyes tear up again, you sniffled and pulled your head back, so you could take his beautiful face in between your tiny hands and look him straight in the eyes.

“It’s okay. Just promise me you will never leave me again” you asked of him.

“I promise” he complied without hesitation.

“The world will become a better place because of you, Liam” you tell him as your wrap your hands wound his neck. “In a few years, maybe even months, it may be safe to be outside of the walls of the city again. It’s quite a story, maybe we should write a book about it” you proposed, smiling warmly.

“Actually” he giggled, wrapping his own hands around your lower back. “I used to be a writer before the apocalypse, so that sounds fun.”

“Oh, is that why you liked me reading books?” you realized, wide eyes sparkling at the new information about the man in front of you.

“Yup. Also, I really liked the sound of your voice” he admitted. He then moved to suck and bite playfully at your neck, earning a gasp and yelp from you. “I still like it, especially when you make delicious sounds like those.”

You hit his shoulder lightly as you laughed.

“Liam! Stop it!” you admonish him.

“No. I suffered long enough with not being able to touch you, always wanting more and more. You need to make it up to me.” He then kissed soundly up your neck, to your jaw, until finally landing on your lips with a renewed longing. When he raised up only an inch above your parted mouth, was only to whisper a final word before resuming quenching his thirst for you. “Forever.”

THE END

[wellanthropologicallyspeaking]

trigger warning // abusive parents, emotional abuse

i might be one of only a few people who have been thru the experience of loving and trusting a parent(s) their whole lives, and in a matter of months have that trust utterly broken and the love that you felt for them lost.

context is, long story summarized, my mom put me thru a very tramuatic experience last year (on christmas no less) when she basically said she “disowned me as her child”. i cried and cried and the whole thing was horrible, she just shouted so much while my dad begged her to stop and calm down, and he tried to calm me down too and brought me food afterwards.

the context for this was basically, the christmas tree that i was decorating for hours the night before had fallen when i was downstairs looking for an extension cord, and its falling broke one of the ornaments from my childhood that i had painted myself while in kindergarten/first grade. it was so heckin pretty and i was so proud of it and hoenstly when i saw i broke, along with a few other beloved ornaments, i broke down.

december last year was filled with all kinds of shit that led me deeper and deeper ino my depression, and this was the straw that broke the camel’s back. while we cleaned up the tree with me sobbing intensely, my mom was all “i told you this would happen !!! you should have done what i said !!!” THAT’S what you say to your CRYING CHILD (i’m 20 but still im her child and you would expect a person to be more compassionate towards THEIR KID)??? instead of seeing that they’re obviously upset. this made me fucking pissed and i just stormed to my room, and declared that im not celebrating christmas this year. my mom forced me and coereced me to have christmas dinner, but i slipped away with a turkey leg and bread into my room, while she was fucking pissed in the other room.

the next day, we had the horrible aforemention argument, where we went over the christmas canceling thing and me not wanting to celebrate, but my mom also went on the thing that i didn’t want to take her vitamins anymore, and she was fucking pissed at me for that.

now, that makes no sense, but i have pretty bad acne, and my mom has *taken it upon herself* to treat my acne herself, even though i kept telling i didn’t want or ask for her help, but she’d just insult me and force/blackmail me to take them. this went on for over a year, and it sounds horrible on its own, but it actually didn’t change my opinion of her until last december.

her argument was “because you’re not taking the vitamins i gave you, it means 1) you want to ruin your skin permanenly (and she goes on about ONE lady she knows who has bad acne scars who i’ve never even met) 2) you want to HURT ME EMOTIONALLY because i worry about you and you having horrible skin makes me feel bad (this sounds kinda emphathetic from her side of things but trust me, the way she meant it felt more like im some kind of experiement to her who she needs to fix and when she can’t “fix” me, she feels bad instead of ever considering MY FEELINGS)”

anyways that whole load of bullshit resulted in me arguing with her, and eventually led to her threatening to disown me while i sat sobbing so fucking uncontrollably, which i think was the only time since maybe i was a baby that i had ever cried so much and so hard. she eventually said, in not so many words, fuck you and im disowning you, while i was left shattered in a pool of my own tears.

it took me WEEKS to recover from the emotional turmoil that experience brought me, and i could never look her in the eye again.

about a month later, my dad would end up driving me to college instead of my mom (bc im a 20 year old american who still doesn’t know how to drive whoops) and over the months of the semester, he’d share things about how bad this lawsuit is that my mom’s waging against our neighbor (wholeeee other kettle of fish that i won’t get into here) and how it was stressing him out and using up precious time, money, and energy that he had. he also mentioned the whole lawsuit cost 40K to manage up to that point, bc my parents had been doing it for about 5 years and that’s the total sum it cost over those 5 years. i was fucking shocked bc, i remeber years back even BEFORE the lawsuit when i saw my mom google “free colleges” for me to attend when i’d graduate, bc she said college “was too expensive”. i mean yea that’s true but there’s a good college here that i want to go to that’s 6K a year?? like if you add it up, my time at college would cost LESS than the 40K wasted on this lawsuit AND we’d deffo have money left over for house repairs, of which our house needs a million. but nah, my mom’s priorities is that we need to waste 40K on a lawsuit for a plot of land on our drive way the size of a desk. size of a DESK. im not fucking kidding here, i wish i was bc its so ridiculous.

then later i learned that my mother (who i already knew had disowned her first daughter, what a shocker) had as a sort of “punishment” to her first daughter, aka my half sister, to take her piece of their apartment back that is in Russia. my dad said we could compromise on the money and get about 50K to pay for the downpayment for our house here, but my mom was s u r e she could “win” her case and get 300K for her share, which my dad said was near impossible and could put my half sister and her family in danger, bc apparently money handling in russia is risky business and people get killed for that sorta money.

my mother didn’t give a shit. about the actual reality of the situaion or the pain/danger she was putting my sister and her family thru. she could shit a turd and give more of a shit about that than her own daughter.

anyways all this and more that i learned, as well as the trauma she put me thru in december, made me open my eyes to the monster i had truly been living with. i finally learned how horrible, twisted, selfish, and cold blooded she was, and knew she could never have held any love for me. the mother i had known my whole life was a lie, and that lie shattered before my eyes.

this went on far too long (probably bc it shows i need therapy ahahaha i still haven’t dealt with this have i) but the message i want to share here is, if you’ve been in a situation where your parents have turned out to not be the person you thought they were, and the love you felt for them and the trust you had in them had shattered overnight, i want to say i know how you feel.

when that happens, everything that was normal with your parent(s) becomes abnomal. you go to share with them something you’re excited about, but you realize you can’t. you think about that yearly event you both go to but realize you can never go together again. it might not even be because they won’t allow it (my mom has “forgiven” me and thinks we’re alright again, as if december was “nothing”) but because you know in your heart that the person you did those things with is gone. they were really never there to begin with, because the whole thing was an act and the traumatic expriences you went thru made you see their true colors. and you see that their true colors are ugly as fuck.

those pauses when you realize that you can’t ever be the same around your parent as you once was, those times when you’re forever locked up to them because you won’t allow them in, when you feel guilty that you haven’t forgiven them and that its somehow your duty as their child to forgive them, i’m not here to say that you should open up, but that you should not open up to them. don’t ever feel like you are obligated to open up to them or “forgive” them. they hurt you and they broke your trust and made you experience horrible trauma that’s hard to come back from. just because they’re your family doesn’t mean you must forgive them.

there’s this societal norm that we’re surrounded by that in order to overcome and deal with trauma, you have to forgive the people who hurt you. in my opinion, i think that couldn’t be farther from the truth. if you are a person who finds it easist to deal with their pain by forgiving those who hurt you, i’m not bashing you; more power to you for being able to forgive, especially when i can’t do the same. however, forgiveness is touted as this “cure all” that people should use to forgive everyone who’s ever hurt you. that cannot be true because what works for one person does not necessarily work for the next. one person may be able to deal with their trauma with forgiveness, and another person cannot do the same. i believe that you shouldn’t have to forgive those who hurt you, especially when you don’t feel strong enough to or feel any love/trust in them after they’ve hurt you. i can accept that what happened, happened, and that what my mother did to me happened, and that it affected me terribly and left me with emotional scars that will be hard to heal from, but i cannot call her my mom anymore or forgive her for what she did to me.

i do feel tinges of guilt sometimes because, i think, of this societal norm that you should forgive everyone, and i feel that coming from my place as a daughter, that i have some obligation to forgive my mother based on what society tells you. you may feel the same too, that you feel guilty for not forgiving your family and that if you were a better person you would forgive them. im here to say that that’s bullshit. you may feel guilty for not forgiving your family but that’s not some sign that you actually should forgive them or that you deeply down want to forgive them, it just means that you feel guilt because of what society has drilled into you. its okay to feel guilty about not forgiving your family and still not forgive them at the same time !! i feel like this sometimes, but i still know that the trauma my mother put me thru and the lies i uncovered about her make me realize that i can never forgive her. if you’re not emotionally strong enough to forgive someone, if you don’t feel the same love or trust in someone as you once did and so are unable to forgive them, i just want to say, its okay not to forgive them !! this isn’t some kind of contest that you have to win, you don’t have to feel like you’re a weak or bad person for not forgiving someone, bc our ways for coping with trauma are all different !!

in my opinion, i think trying to forgive or keep people in your life who are obviously terrible is not healthy in the long run. my mom is still doing the shitty things that are similar to what i described earlier, and i now know that she’s still just the same horrible, selfish, cold blooded person she always was; she was just under a mask. me forgiving her or tolerating her now won’t magically turn her into a good mom !! she’ll always be shitty and its healthier for me to just cut her out of my life as much as i can (while im still living at home with both that parents, and me being unable to drive, that is proving very difficult). it’s just better to cut out toxic people from your life and surround yourself with healthy people who will help you grow and thrive. it’s kinda like what marie kondo says,

(yea im an organizing nut but her book has really helped me organize the house, and i think organizing is kinda my coping mechanism, i spent so much time after december doing a full rehaul of the house that i had never done before, because i think i wanted to regain control of my life in some part as a way to cope for all the shit i went thru)

you should only keep things (or people) that “spark joy”. anything or anyone that doesn’t “spark joy” for you, you’re allowed to remove from your life : )

[like-twilight]

I’m jus’ gon do this cause why not I stole it from Here.

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?

According to my last.fm in the last seven days: 1: ATEEZ: Wave 2: ATEEZ: Illusion 3: ATEEZ: Win 4: TxT: Run Away 5: ATEEZ: Precious 6: ATEEZ: Say My Name

Guys. I like Ateez.

2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

My sister.

3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

Well I ain’t standin’ up so here’s line 17 from page 23 of Vale which is on my computer.

““Well then, Your Highness,” I say and crouch down, trying to get a look of her face”

4: What do you think about most?

Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad things.

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say?

From a real person that’s not an automated message from a bank or a website it’s from my co-worker from October 26th that says “Ok I’ll do it, print it then I’ll replace it”

6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?

Well. PJ’s are clothes so.

7: What's your strangest talent?

I don’t think I have any.

8: Girls... (finish the sentence); Boys... (finish the sentence)

Girls not allowed. Boys also not allowed. Leave me alone. (My nb friends can come tho.)

9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?

If I did then the creator didn’t tell me :”D

10: When is the last time you played the air guitar?

I... can’t recall.

11: Do you have any strange phobias?

Frogs.

12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?

Maybe as a baby?

13: What's your religion?

I don’t belieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeve.

14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

I’m not outside. But I’d probably be going to work or the store or the post office.

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

Behind.

16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

Ateez!

17: What was the last lie you told?

“I’m okay!” #deep

18: Do you believe in karma?

god no!

19: What does your URL mean?

It’s a quote from Ateez’s Twilight.

20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

I’m very depressed. Strength is probably that I’m still alive? Idk

21: Who is your celebrity crush?

Idk. Find a lot of famous people attractive I-? I Don’t have just like The Celebrity Crush. Jeong Yunho’s cute tho.

22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

No.

23: How do you vent your anger?

I throw a temper tantrum.

24: Do you have a collection of anything?

Just a mason jar of my tears. Also every Ateez album released so far.

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

Neither! Fucking email me, bro.

26: Are you happy with the person you've become?

God no :D

27: What's a sound you hate; sound you love?

Ambulance sirens hate. Fuckin... panflute I love.

28: What's your biggest "what if"?

What if I was a... giraffe.? Or a tardigrade. 

29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

I believe in things we can’t perceive scientifically or whatever. Not ghosts per se, like souls of dead people or whatever. Also yes to aliens.

30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

Nothin I’m jus sittin on my bed. If I move my arms up and down a bit then my blanket and a bottle of water.

31: Smell the air. What do you smell?

Nothin. Is just my room.

32: What's the worst place you have ever been to?

Uuuh a cemetery?

33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?

In America? Idk which is less racist in general?

34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?

What’s an “opposite” gender? I know you mean male but I refuse to give into the cISSEXIST SCUm. 

35: To you, what is the meaning of life?

I have no idea what that means.

36: Define Art.

the expression or application of human creative skill and imagination, typically in a visual form such as painting or sculpture, producing works to be appreciated primarily for their beauty or emotional power.

37: Do you believe in luck?

Yes. But I’ve never been the lucky one unfortunately.

38: What's the weather like right now?

Uuuh I have to google it. Clear. 8°

39: What time is it?

21:30

40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

No. But I probably would.

41: What was the last book you read?

Pfssssshhhh, one that wasn’t written by me? Fucks me, dude. Fault In Our Stars? The Death Cure? I can’t remember, it’s been years.

42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?

Yeah!

43: Do you have any nicknames?

Tia.

44: What was the last film you saw?

Uuuuuuuuhhh... UUUUHHHHHHHHH How to Train Your Dragon 3, it was nice.

45: What's the worst injury you've ever had?

Had a bleeding spine! Kinda miss it tbh.

46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?

I probably haven’t tried, I’ve just tried to get them to land on me.

47: Do you have any obsessions right now?

Uuuh I’m into Ateez these days.

48: What's your sexual orientation?

I’m byesexual.

49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?

Yes.

50: Do you believe in magic?

Again, I do believe things could exist we can’t scientifically explain but idk. Not in the Harry Potter magic way.

51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

No, cause I believe everything is my fault.

52: What is your astrological sign?

Aries.

53: Do you save money or spend it?

I save money TO spend. I think I found a healthy balance.

54: What's the last thing you purchased?

A fukin... bike. That’s like in your room. Not by accident but because it’s meant to be there.

55: Love or lust?

Like.. in what context? Love? Idk.

56: In a relationship?

Love.

57: How many relationships have you had?

None relationships.

58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

I can’t.

59: Where were you yesterday?

Like on average? Or 24 hours ago exactly. Cause I was at work for eight hours and then I was just on my bed.

60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

Yeah, my phone case.

61: Are you wearing socks right now?

Ye.

62: What's your favourite animal?

Cat? Idk.

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

:DDDD If I had any then people would like me.

64: Where is your best friend?

???? 

65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.

I... I dunno? The ones I follow?

66: What is your heritage?

I don’t know what that means. Like what I’m gonna be remembered by? I whined a lot!

67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?

Cried.

68: What do you think is Satan's last name?

Choi.

69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?

Why would I lie about masturbation. Yeah I did.

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

Fuck no.

71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

Save the dog, fuck off.

72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

a) I am telling everyone. b) Be paralysed by fear and waste all of it. c) Yes, very much.

73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.

I feel like that’s stupid. 

74: What's a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

Illusion by Ateez these days. 

75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?

4153

76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

I wouldn’t know, buddy.

77: How can I win your heart?

Just be nice to me and I’ll probably be emotionally attached to you for life, sorry.

78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?

I don’t think insanity is the cause for any creativity. If an insane person is creative then they would be creative with a sound mind too.

79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

Got into kpop, that was nice.

80: What size shoes do you wear?

42

81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

“Balled 2 hard lol”

82: What is your favourite word?

There are too many words.

83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.

Kokoro.

84: What is a saying you say a lot?

I don’t think there is one.

85: What's the last song you listened to?

Treasure by Ateez.

86: Basic question; what's your favourite colour/colours?

Pink and yellow.

87: What is your current desktop picture?

A picture of.. Ateez... sorry.

88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

Donald Trump.

89: What would be a question you'd be afraid to tell the truth on?

Uh, I think I’m p truthful, yeah. Ask me anything.

90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren't really doing anything, they're just standing around your bed. What do you do?

Scream. Maybe scramble on the floor and push past them if I can.

91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

Immortality!

92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

Oh geez. I was on a carousel in Italy once, that was awesome.

93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

The one that gave me depression idk which one it was but can it go away?

94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

Ehh, I don’t want that. Like... I don’t know those people, they could be Awful in bed or just in general too. Like I need an emotional bond first and they don’t even know me and I only know the persona they show to the public. Plus it could potentially ruin the music for me later on, it’d be weird, no thank you.

95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

UUUUUHHHHH I DUNNO Lyon cause Grenoble doesn’t have an airport. Well, actually my sister isn’t in Grenoble right now. Hm well if I grab my card before I go then I can just find a hotel there until she comes home.

96: Do you have any relatives in jail?

I don’t think so? 

97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?

I had to throw up in a car and then asked the driver to stop the car so I can throw up outside the car.

98: Ever been on a plane?

Yes. Seven times. SEVEN TIMES? Yeah, holy shit.

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?

Someone help me, I am so so so incredibly in need of help, please. Please. Thank you.

[victorluvsalice]

Well, Emmett and Einstein can’t really complain -- it took a bit for them to be seen, but the actual examination was fast, and Einstein was cured pretty quickly. (I chose the most expensive treatment to help him feel better faster -- least I could do!) Hopefully he won’t have to go back for a while, but I can think of much more depressing vets he could be visiting.

Anyway, once Einstein was back to his old self, it was time to head back home and enjoy the last hours of Emmett and Nikal’s final day off before having to head back to work. I kept Emmett on the Archaeology Scholar aspiration for a bit to authenticate one last artifact, then swapped him back to his usual Nerd Brain. Nikal, on the other hand, has dropped Jungle Explorer for Mansion Baron for the time being -- hey, I did make her Materialistic! Might as well explore some of those Fortune aspirations, right? Besides, her wanting a big expensive house means she gets aspiration points when I remodel --

And guess who remodeled! Or, well, mostly rearranged some stuff. I wanted to get that big display case that came with the pack to display Emmett and Nikal’s treasures from their trip (two masks, one golden and one painted terracotta; one golden knife; two relics (without crystals), and one golden frog), and getting it into the living room necessitated moving around some stuff. Emmett getting a new fossil rock also required some new ways to display those -- I eventually moved most of the focusing prints into the study/lab (since that’s where they’ll do the most good), rearranged the fossil rocks on the dresser/new hall end table, and rearranged the living room slightly to accommodate the display case. Perhaps not perfect, but it certainly didn’t turn out too badly, did it? Once that was all done, I sent the pair to bed. . .

And then, just around 5, Caleb Vatore showed up and munched on Emmett. I’m sorry, Caleb, I thought you were the vampire who explicitly wants to be a GOOD vampire?! *facepalm* And what is with all these morning attacks, anyway?! This close to ordering lots and lots of garlic, you fanged lot!

Next time: So, what happens if two Sims live in the same house and have the same active career?

[ifwearestrangers]

All the numbers xo

I kind of hate you but y’all obviously don’t know me if you think I won’t answer them all I LIKE CHALLENGES. 

1) Put your iTunes on shuffle. Give me the first 6 songs that pop up - Save Me - Gotye / Smooth Criminal - Glee Cast (no comment) / Undone - Phoria / West Coast - Lana Del Rey / Six Feet Under - Louis Aguilar

2) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? Ellen Degeneres

3) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17. “Yeah,” he said. The light turned green green. I braced myself. Augustus slammed the gas. 

4) What do you think about most? How much of a failure I am :) and Clexa of course.

5) Ever had a poem or song written about you? Maybe? probably. 

6) Do you have any strange phobias? Spiders, heights, and opression, like being underwater or unable to breathe? 

7) What’s your religion? Gayness.

8) If you are outside, what are you most likely doing? Being with friends, 

9) Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band? Florence and the Machine, The Cure, Ben Howard, Tegan and Sara, The Killers, Coldplay. 

10) What was the last lie you told? I told my best friend’s girlfriend I didn’t know what was in his head when I know exactly what’s in his head. 

11) Do you believe in karma? I sure do. 

12) What does your URL mean? It means that we’re all strangers here but we ought not to be, which is what brought us all together i guess.

13) What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength? weakness, I’d say my low-self esteem, strength, I’d say my kindness. 

14) Who is your celebrity crush? At the moment.. jeez I don’t know! How sad! I’d say Dianna Agron though because I’m always crushing on her. 

15) How do you vent your anger? Talking people’s ears off in general. 

16) Do you have a collection of anything? Playing cards, books, funko pops, tattoos, prints and drawings.

17) Are you happy with the person you’ve become? Not quite yet but I’m getting there, and isn’t being human always striving for improvement? 

18) What’s a sound you hate; sound you love? I hate the crissing of chalk on a chalboard, ya know? And I love the sound of the rain and really really loud thunder. 

19) What’s your biggest “what if”? What if I had made it work, what if I saw her, what if we were still together? What if I was enough.. 

20) Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens? Yes I do believe in people’s soul being stuck between two reincarnations, and aliens? FOR SURE. 

21) Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm. Right : nothing. Left: my heater. 

22) Smell the air. What do you smell? Pastas because it’s almost diner time! 

23) What’s the worst place you have ever been to? Hm.. toughie. I honestly can’t remember right now. 

24) Most attractive singer/s of your opposite gender? Of the opposite gender.. I’d say Chris Martin? But because that’s the only one I can think about right now lmao.

25) To you, what is the meaning of life? Wow, I ain’t got time to lay out my opinion on that, I’ve got too much too say. Long story short, living. Life in itself is insignificant but it’s also the only thing we’ve got so make it count. 

26) Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed? I do not, but I did crash. My sister was driving and it was the worst memory I have. 

27) What was the last movie you saw? Hm Thor I think? With my sister. 

28) What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had? I have a ernia in my neck from the car crash and honestly? It’s the worst. Chronic pain each time I paint or stand for too long. Absolute delight. 

29) Do you have any obsessions right now? Clexa, my life, my future, faberry, writing music, writing clexa, drawing clexa, painting, my career. 

30) Ever had a rumor spread about you? Yes, in middle school there was this whole rumor around school that I was gay… SPOILER ALERT. 

31) Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong? No, I am an easy forgiver but also because I strive for affection and also because I just cannot stand to be in a fight with someone even if I’m right. I have hold a grudge once in my life against my best friend because she was against same sex marriage in my country but fortunately she came around and voted yes. 

32) What is your astrological sign? Scorpio, passion all around. 

33) What’s the last thing you purchased? A bracelet for my sister’s christmas gift. 

34) Love or lust? Both? Please? They go together. 

35) In a relationship? Painfully not. 

36) How many relationships have you had? Hm.. Serious ones 3. 

37) What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you? My firting and my cuteness that I will deny until my dying day. 

38) Where is your best friend? I have severa best friends, and they’re all around the world. Unlucky me. 

39) What were you doing last night at 12 AM? Working on that next clexa thing I’m making and let me tell you guys it’s awesome already. 

40) Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend? Probably because I try to be the best of friends to people even if I’m far from perfect, but I’m always trying to be better. 

41) You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do? I SAVE THE FUCKING DOG WHAT THE FUCKING KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT SCREW THE JOB. 

42) You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid? seriously though I HAVE ANXIETY PEOPLE DON’T DO THAT. but anyway, as an anxiety full person I’ve thought about this before lmao. a) I’d probably wouldn’t tell them until the very last moment because I know they would act different. b) I would make sure every one of the people I love get what they need, that they’re happy so I can go peacefully. Also I’d sneak in a trip to brazil to tell her goodbye, see my best friend before I go. c) Of course I’d be afraid that I wouldn’t have enough time to make sure everyone’s safe and happy, to say goodbye properly. Afraid I haven’t made the most of it. 

43) What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it? hm.. Just Like Heaven - The Cure. 

44) In your opinion, what makes a great relationship? Trust and communication. (good sex too but ya know, thats just a bonus) 

45) How can I win your heart? Show me any kind of attention and affection I guess? Also my weakness are powerful girls who challenge me, provoke me and flirt hardcore, play hard to get. (But not that hard you get me?) 

46) Can insanity bring on more creativity? I think yes but there’s a very difficult balance to find between the two. 

47) What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far? A year ago I would have told you without the shadow of a doubt that it was falling in love with a brazilian girl and crossing the world to be with her but looking back maybe it wasn’t. Then again, I would do it all over again. 

48) What would you want to be written on your tombstone? “Beloved sister, devoted friend, she saved the world a lot.”

49) Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word “heart.” Right now, broken but also hopeful. 

50) Basic question; what’s your favorite color/colors? That kind of cerrulean blue that’s almost green, a little teal but not quite there yet. A soft, gentle cerrulean blue. 

51) What is your current desktop picture? A drawing fll of colors of a forest with wolves. 

52) If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be? Donald Trump :) 

53) What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on? Am I worth it?

54) You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power? Flying. 

55) You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again? When I was up that hill in Brazil. Everything was uncertain but I was spent and on top of the world and for a minute there, I thought I could change it all. 

56) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? The break-up. The depression that followed. The void in my chest ever since. That feeling of nothingness, of incomplete. Unfinished. The feeling that we are unfinished. 

57) You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be? MUSIC ONLY? DAMN. Hayley Kiyoko, then. 

58) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? New York. 

59) Ever been on a plane? Yes and I love it. Also I’ve been on a plane at night, next to the window, and I saw the milkyway, and that was the most beautiful thing ever. I was seeing the sky underneath me and that’s a feeling I’ll never forget. 

60) Give me your top 5 hottest celebrities. Dianna Agron, Mila Kunis, Gal Gadot, Marie Avgeropoulos, Ruby Rose. 

[go-redgirl]

THE 10 WORST THINGS JOB BIDEN HAS DONE IN HIS POLITICAL CAREER.

1. Anita Hill Hearings. When Christine Blasey Ford testified in front of Congress about Brett Kavanaugh’s attempted sexual assault, it depressingly mirrored another testimony like this from Anita Hill about Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas’s sexual harassment in 1994—when Joe Biden and Orrin Hatch oversaw a disastrous testimony that they structured. Biden called no independent experts and forced Hill to defend herself alone against an avalanche of immensely powerful white men, and Joe Biden has since apologized and said he wished he would have done more. This is an ongoing theme with Uncle Joe, where he royally screwed up in the past, defended himself in the past, and then apologized in a more tolerant future that his political instincts are clearly not geared towards.

2. 1994 Crime BillIn 2016, Joe Biden defended his crime bill that is as responsible for mass incarceration as any other piece of legislation passed in the last forty years, saying:”I’m not ashamed of [the Crime bill] at all. As a matter of fact, I drafted the bill. We talk about this in terms mostly of ‘black lives matter.’ Black lives really do matter, but the problem is institutional racism in America. 

That’s the overarching problem that still exists.”His speech from 1993 defending the bill is one of the more fascist things you will hear out of a modern Democrat.

3. Had to drop out of the 1988 presidential race for plagiarism. He got caught plagiarizing in law school at Syracuse, and admitted to it. He failed, but was allowed to retake the class. Biden ultimately had to drop out of the 1988 race after it became clear that this didn’t stop in law school, as he stole excerpts of speeches from John F. Kennedy and other famous politicians.

4. Reportedly used his son’s death for his own political gain in 2016. Per Politico:Joe Biden has been making his 2016 deliberations all about his late son since August.Aug. 1, to be exact — the day renowned Hillary Clinton-critic Maureen Dowd published a column that marked a turning point in the presidential speculation. According to multiple sources, it was Biden himself who talked to her, painting a tragic portrait of a dying son, Beau’s face partially paralyzed, sitting his father down and trying to make him promise to run for president because “the White House should not revert to the Clintons and that the country would be better off with Biden values.”…But in truth, Biden had effectively placed an ad in The New York Times, asking them to call.

5. He voted to gut welfare Biden was a 1990s Democrat through and through, as he supported all of Bill Clinton’s most conservative policies, like welfare “reform” that ultimately failed, as Jordan Weismann described in Slate:The Urban Institute’s Pamela Loprest and Sheila Zedlewski found that during the early postreform era, about one-third of single parents were jobless soon after leaving welfare. 

Those who did find work often earned no more than what they lost in benefits; studies have concluded that anywhere from 42 to 74 percent of those who exited the program remained poor. Meanwhile, states began enrolling fewer new families in welfare. 

As the rolls shrank, a new generation of so-called disconnected mothers emerged: single parents who weren’t working, in school, or receiving welfare to support themselves or their children. 

According to Loprest, the number of these women rose from 800,000 in 1996 to 1.2 million in 2008.In keeping with that trend, researchers have also found a gradual uptick in what economists call deep or extreme poverty. Johns Hopkins’ Edin and Luke Shaefer, now of the University of Michigan, reported that the number of American households with children living on less than $2 in cash per person each day grew 159 percent, from about 636,000 in 1996 to 1.65 million in 2011. 

Even if you treat the value of food stamps as cash, the number rose some 80 percent, to 857,000. In their book $2.00 a Day, Edin and Shaefer describe women and children living on the fringes of society, relying on homeless shelters and selling their own plasma to get by. “Some of those people are ending up in very frightening conditions that don’t even look like America,” Edin tells me.

6. He gave Obama a classic racist backhand complimentBefore he became Barack Obama’s running mate, he took a shot at America’s soon-to-be first black president that was just dripping in racism. Per Biden:“I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy.”Biden went on The Daily Show and apologized for using the word “clean,” saying he should have opted for the word “fresh.” He did not address the “articulate” part of his statement, which is a classic racist backhanded compliment that typically conveys a sense of surprise that a black person can speak clearly and with gravitas.

7. Voted to overturn Glass-SteagallGlass-Steagall was one of the first things that we did in the wake of the Great Depression, as it created a firewall between investment banking and FDIC-insured deposits, meaning that Wall Street could not gamble with your savings. 

It is one of the central reasons why so many Wall Street banks are too big to fail. Joe Biden, Bill Clinton and the rest of powerful Democrats in 1999 changed all that, to the dismay of the longest tenured congressman in U.S. history, the late John Dingell, who called our coming crises the night of Biden’s vote in 1999:

I think we ought to look at what we are doing here tonight. We are passing a bill which is going to have very little consideration, written in the dark of night, without any real awareness on the part of most of what it contains. I just want to remind my colleagues about what happened the last time the Committee on Banking brought a bill on the floor which deregulated the savings and loans. It wound up imposing upon the taxpayers of this Nation about a $500 billion liability …Having said that, what we are creating now is a group of institutions which are too big to fail. Not only are they going to be big banks, but they are going to be big everything, because they are going to be in securities and insurance, in issuance of stocks and bonds and underwriting, and they are also going to be in banks. And under this legislation, the whole of the regulatory structure is so obfuscated and so confused that liability in one area is going to fall over into liability in the next. Taxpayers are going to be called upon to cure the failures we are creating tonight, and it is going to cost a lot of money, and it is coming. Just be prepared for those events. Again, when confronted in the future with the failure of his policies, all Biden could do is apologize.

8. Eulogized one of America’s most famed racists

Perhaps there is no better summation of Joe Biden’s Senate career than the fact that America’s most famed 20th century congressional racist asked him to speak at his funeral. Strom Thurmond staged the longest filibuster in American history, speaking for 24 hours and 18 minutes against the 1957 Civil Rights Act. During his run for presidency in 1948, Governor Thurmond said “There’s not enough troops in the army, to force the southern people to break down segregation and admit the n******* race into our theaters, into our swimming pools, into our homes, and into our churches.” When confronted with this quote in 1988 (by the time Biden claimed Thurmond had changed into a more tolerant man), Thurmond responded with “I was just trying to protect the rights of the states and the rights of the people. Some in the news media tried to make it a race fight, but it was not that.”

9. Opposed school integration in the 1970s. One big reason why Biden and Thurmond were so close was their joint efforts to oppose integrating schools in the 1970s. Per Politico:Ed Brooke, a Massachusetts Republican, was the first black senator ever to be popularly elected; Joe Biden was a freshman Democratic senator from Delaware. By 1975, both had compiled liberal voting records. But that year, Biden sided with conservatives and sponsored a major anti-busing amendment. The fierce debate that followed not only fractured the Senate’s bloc of liberals, it also signified a more wide-ranging political phenomenon: As white voters around the country—especially in the North—objected to sweeping desegregation plans then coming into practice, liberal leaders retreated from robust integration policies. Biden was at the forefront of this retreat: He had expressed support for integration and—more specifically—busing during his Senate campaign in 1972, but once elected, he discovered just how bitterly his white constituents opposed the method. In 1973 and 1974, Biden began voting for many of the Senate’s anti-busing bills, claiming that he favored school desegregation, but just objected to “forced busing.”“Forced busing” was a phrase that Thurmond leaned on heavily to oppose integrating schools, and when Biden embraced Thurmond’s politics on this issue, he also embraced his rhetoric.

10. Biden voted for the Iraq War. The biggest quagmire of millennials’ lifetimes—our Vietnam, sans the draft—was aided along by Senator Joe Biden. Hillary Clinton lost in 2008 because of this vote, while Barack Obama made hay off his opposition to an immoral and illegal war. Joe Biden’s entire political career is proof that he has been behind the times every single step of the way, and there is no reason to believe that 2020 will be any different.Jacob Weindling is a staff writer for Paste politics. 

Follow him on Twitter at @Jakeweindling.

_____________________________

OPINION: That picture  above showing Joe Biden lending over that young lady above shows just how ‘sick’ of a human being he is and the Democrats have sit back and said absolutely nothing.  Because they too of as sick as Joe Biden.  

They will sale their ‘souls, dignity, pride etc. etc.etc. for ‘power’.

[justanotherangryartist-blog]

Everything wrong with me.

hold on to your seats folks, this is gonna be a hell of a list.

disclaimer: I don't promote self hate, I'm merely trying to come to terms with my own issues. if you feel anything like I do, I suggest you seek out professional help, tell your loved ones and hold on. they say it gets better and for your sake I hope it does. be strong everyone.

......

so lets get right into it shall we

ill start by saying these are both mental and physical flaws I have that have dragged me down and I feel that if I say them out loud, or even type them, it'll hopefully hit home cuz lord knows I need a right kick up the ass right now

1. I'm impatient.

let me clarify this, I know it seems pretty easy to get but bare with me. I mean impatient in both the normal sense that I hate things taking time and in the way that the worse my depression gets the more I want instantaneous results, I make fictional plans in my head with very precise deadlines and time frames in which to get certain tasks done. if they don't happen I get very upset even though these are fictional situations I am imagining. I also cant make myself do things in actual life if it falls out of what I call the “ideal time” which basically means if its not initiated or done all together within a certain time frame? its not getting done at all, like ever.

2. I have an addictive personality.

yeah, we all know this can be bad, even those of us with it but we somehow manage to full people into thinking we got it under control, that we are just passionate. which is total bollox and we know it. for example, I get addicted to people, which is a huge problem as I tend to put them on a pedestal and when they don't live up to this or do something bad or cruel, instead of getting mad then moving on, my whole world with crumble, because at the time, they would've been my world. it doesn't just end there. I never really let go.

3. I’ve got a gambling problem.

this is both in the lottery, scratch card and such kinda way and the more dangerous way of ill gamble with things such as people and relationships. I just had to delete the lottery app from my phone just before I started writing this post because I know how bad its getting, I wasted money that I should've been saving since I'm out of work on lottery games cuz the mere tiny chance that I could win money and make my situation better was worth it in my eyes. I even stole money from my ten year old brothers piggy bank when I had no money in my account to bet and I had to go to the shop to buy a lottery ticket. the worst part is I had no remorse or regret at the time. I also gamble with relationships I've had, pushing boundaries just to feel the high, flipping the metaphorical coin to see if I'm gonna get lucky or not and continuing to flip it till its all gone to ruin.

4. I eat away my pain.

I'm severely obese for my age and the only reason I can still move is because of my fondness of walking. I gorge on food to stop the thoughts in my head. the easiest way to explain it is when you're watching TV and eating crisps and you have to pause the TV cuz you cant hear it over the sound of the crunch of the crisps. its deafening. the more I eat, the less I hear the thoughts coursing through my mind telling me how much of a failure I am. the more weight I gain the more withdrawn I get, the less I change out of pyjamas because nothing fits, the less I wash or put on makeup or do anything because giving a shit means excepting what's happened and what people see.

5. I overshare.

not just my problems, but everything. infact I tend to warp my own problems somehow when I talk about them so they don't seem so bad and then I drown out my own concerns and others peoples lack of understanding by just chatting to fill the silence. people hate it. or atleast that's the vibe they give off. even my parents, always asking if I'm done yet or why I didn't use up all my words during the day. I just cant stop. the more people don't get what I'm trying to say (which is a lot cuz I never really know how to talk about my actual emotions) the more I talk rubbish. then theres times when I'm talking about something that makes me happy to the point of excess and I just get so mad because nobody understands that the only reason I'm doing so is this is the only way I know how to put emphasis on “ok this makes me happy, be happy that I'm happy, help replicate this feeling”. I hate that I'm like this.

6. I don't know how to tell people how I'm feeling.

I hide behind my sense of humour a lot because I just don't know how to explain why I feel the way I feel, like the world makes no sense why my emotions change so rapidly, why I'm scared to sleep in my on room anymore why I avoid talking about the future because I live minute to minute not knowing what the next hour brings but if you say these things people just get upset and say things like “are you taking your medication?” “why don't you just talk to someone?” “why don't you try x, y and z” when all I want is someone to sit there, understand me and be like “I get it, and here's what WE ARE going to do and then you will be better. it doesn't work like that though, so I don't say anything, because what's the point of voicing a problem if you don't have a solution right? then you just sound depressed and no one wants to hear that.

7. I lose faith in my own ability. a lot.

I normally like to think I'm a good artist, that I'm great at makeup, that I'm good with children, that I'm a good listener, that I'm a good writer, that I'm wise that I'm smart that I'm clever. I don't think that much anymore. see a seed of doubt was planted in my mind and my issue was I was the one that let it grow. I lost my mojo with my art because nowadays I do it in hopes I can sell my pieces online to pay something off, this fact then triggers a chain reaction that leads to me doubting its selling potential, that my works not good enough at all, that being commercial would kill my talent, that I have no talent at all, that all my works shit and then all I can think about is painting USED to make me feel good. now its tainted by thoughts about my lack of talent, my lack of commercial value, and the fact that a moment spent painting is a moment that that house isn't getting cleaned and the bills aren't getting paid.

8. I'm scared of everything.

everything these days sends me into a panic. noises, debts, responsibility, the way people look or talk to me, anything and everything. its like everything's new and horrible again, I'm having to re learn how to go outside my own house and how to talk on the phone because everything's so terrifying. noises upset me because they signify life going on around me at an alarming pace and I just cant calm down with everything so loud in my ear its deafening, cant you hear it? even now as I write this I find myself rocking on my seat as I try to calm myself down. my minds so loud that even turn my head feels like whiplash, like everything's to fast and the only way I know how to cure it is to shut it off to shut it all off. it cant touch me if I don't move. life cant find me if I'm sleeping.

9. I sleep too much.

sleep is putting it lightly. what I really mean is I shut down a lot. it works for computers right? have you tried turning it on and off again? how many times before it reboots, I silently wonder if ill ever reboot or if they'll have to take me in and get my parts replaced. I silently hope they do. I mean how many times have you taken a broken laptop or ipod in to discover its go a broken screen or keypad or memory and you're gonna have to fork out a lot of money to fix that single component only for another component to break a month later, how many times have you just bought a new laptop, secretly happy that you don't have to deal with the damaged one anymore. I sleep to fix my single component knowing full well my batteries gonna go out soon anyway. wont someone just buy a new one of me?

10. I'm a bitter person.

I should mention the importance of the present tense. I'm not becoming, I'm already here, but the thing is ive not always been bitter either. I used to be happy, bit fat, bit emotional but happy. I prided myself on the fact I could make people laugh and I would get upset at myself if someone thought I was anything less than happy, because then they weren't happy. now I don't give two shits. ive become bitter, angry, selfish and cold. id say all I care about is myself but I don't even care about me. I'm angry that the world continues on without me fully present, I hate the fact that I hate myself and that I don't look good, that I'm not healthy. I fear no one will love me or truly connect with me and so ive become a recluse to the point that even when I do go out I seldom have anything to really talk about except for how unhappy I am. I see very little hope on the horizon, the few moments I have are in my own head usually, which just adds to my bitterness for not being able to properly enjoy reality. every interaction I have is tainted with bitterness over trying to enjoy myself in the first place when there is so much wrong in my life. I hate who I have become.

IN SHORT.... I HATE MYSELF.

its kind of poetic that as I finished that sentence the sun came out and the warmth hit me right through the window. I find myself almost smiling, breathing evenly as I type, almost happy to get it off my chest. to admit that I hate myself? its actually a relief, because now I can try to work towards doing something about it. I'm not naïve enough to think this'll solve everything, I know there will be days where I continue to hate myself and try to self sabotage my own efforts to get better. I'm not stupid enough to tell you guys that I have a plan of action because as a person who lives for instruction, I can tell you I have no clue what I'm gonna do to get better, and I wont leave you (if anyone actually does read this) thinking that it gets better instantly. see what I mean about the bitterness? but I will say this, I am secure and resolute in the fact that I don't like who I am, I am resolute in the fact that I don't have an immediate solution, but this doesn't mean I wont try to find one. could take days, could take months, could go one direction then stop and turn back, it doesn't matter because in accepting that there's something wrong I have only one direction to go in.

May anyone else struggling with these issues find the strength to accept your flaws and begin your road to recovery, or atleast take the exit for recovery and maybe stop at a pitstop for a while before heading on down that route, I aint gonna judge. Ill see you there.

[loud-hands]

A Message Sent to Autism/Asperger's Hate Blog

Definite trigger warning, the website left me actually nauseated. Mentions of abuse and death, hate toward those with autism spectrum disorders, and just. Horrible stuff.

I came across heartlessaspergers/.com (seriously) and the neurotypical/.com and it was rather upsetting. Claims that we have no empathy and destroy families and ruin partners' lives. So. Autism S/peaks × 10. I know I probably won't be listened to but I had to say this. I know I probably won't change anyone's mind, open anyone's eyes, but here's my message:

I want to start by saying this isn't meant as an attack and I'm really, really sorry if it comes across that way. I'm an eighteen-year-old with autism. Asperger's Syndrome has been removed from the DSM-5 but were I diagnosed some years ago, I would have been diagnosed with Asperger's.

I know it may sound biased coming from the type of person your page warns against, but I very much disagree with the assumption that we lack empathy. Some of us have lessened empathy, I see this with my autistic brother and my, admittedly, abusive father I speculate may be on the spectrum, but this is not to say we're unemotional and lack empathy. Some autistic people can be downright bad. Some are good, some are neutral, as is the moral spectrum with all. My brother, for example, tends to lecture or make rather callous jokes to lighten the mood at someone's plight. He dislikes animals but when my pet died, he was awkward with it, I think struggling with his contempt and sympathy. He said, very sincerely, that he was sorry for my loss.

 I myself feel overwhelmed with empathy at times, feeling upset when my friend is, and she, also an autistic adult, shares this trait. I've cried to documentaries that show people grieving dead relatives or people suffering, I've cried at fictional books once in a while. Today, one of my neurotypical brothers was upset and I was left distressed when I could only bring him a drink and offer to listen when/if he wanted to talk. 

I know this is just my experience, not documented research, but studies have supported that we're not devoid of empathy:

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/people-with-autism-can-read-emotions-feel-empathy1/

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4048168/ (This one discusses lessened affective empathy in ASD, though  it highlights the differences between cognitive and affective empathy.)

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/people-with-autism-can-read-emotions-feel-empathy1/

Many of us show empathy in different ways than our neurotypical peers. I notice that I tend to start spouting what I think is a logical approach and try to give advice instead of offering hugs. I spend the next hour worrying that I seemed unsympathetic or that I was overstepping by offering advice when I wasn't asked for it. We often struggle to recognize emotion by someone's facial expression or tone, which leads to some of us seeming aloof. Even when I can detect it, I never know how to react.

And I won't deny some of us truly ARE unempathetic and/or cruel. But I don't think this is purely genetics - I think this is how the environment shapes and interacts with these traits. I know I keep citing my own experience and I'm sorry for that, but from my own upbringing, I can see how I could have become a very different and much colder person. After about kindergarten my "quirks" stopped being just little kids being little kids. Friendships were difficult, the other kids matured faster than me with some things, and teachers assumed I was deliberately spacey and slow with my work. None of this was helped by a difficult home life (unrelated to my autism). In fifth grade I had a teacher who actually bullied me and ruined my desire to try in school for some time. I was playing imaginary games while the other girls were well past that. I am and have always been a bit of a pushover and I let a group of girls choose what I wore and paint up my face in makeup, all the while calling me ugly and insulting the clothes I wore to school. I thought this was just the way friends were and that they were being kind and helping me. I wound up violent, argumentative, hating everyone for years. It took my home life cooling down and my mother putting me in an online school for me to be able to assess my behavior and what I had become. 

I'm by no means perfect, not a saint. I'm struggling with my mental health and the responsibilities of adulthood. My relationships, I feel, are different from that of neurotypical young adults. For a long time I didn't have any friends and though we're often seen as loners (and we truly can be), I was incredibly lonely. I have a friend now, and for my entire life I could only handle one friend at a time, latching on and driving them away. It worked out well this time around as we're both equally clingy. I feel regular labels can't properly define out friendship, transcending friends but not romantically involved. I can't imagine myself having a romantic relationship and the idea of balancing my best friend and a hypothetical girlfriend overwhelms me. I show my appreciation by knitting and drawing for her, and she's like me and recognizes my affection. I don't like hugs or much touch. I don't know if I could have a romantic relationship or sometimes even a platonic friendship with someone who was neurotypical because I'm not sure how our ways of affection would mesh. Many autistic adults can and do manage happy relationships with neurotypicals but I know that I and others like myself might have an unhealthy relationship because the neurotypical overwhelms them and the neurotypical feels unfulfilled. 

I love the idea of fostering children one day and I'm majoring in special education, and sometimes I really do worry I might be emotionally negligent, but that I truly feel I can handle, and this is where the overwhelming empathy comes in, to the point that I feel an immense sense of duty to help kids in need and those with special needs and daydream about my teaching plan, baking together and other bonding activities with future foster kids. 

I'm sorry for the ramble, but from what I've seen of your page, it seems you mostly hear from neurotypical people. I want to give an autistic voice and try to show that many of us really DO feel empathy, and give experiences of my own. It's often upsetting to see us painted as monsters. I'm sorry for this dark turn but there are so many autistic kids, teenagers, adults that are MURDERED for being a "burden" and such. There are facebook groups where parents feed their kids bleach to try to cure them of autism. I've really cried for these people, especially the children. I feel like I need to be a voice, an advocate, especially for those on the more severe end of the spectrum who often can't or struggle to do it for themselves. Autistics have an increased risk of depression and suicide. I myself am taking a few antidepressants, but I don't think depression is an effect of autism itself. Stigma hurts us. I won't defend autistic abusers, there is no justification for ANY abuse, but we're not all evil. People are born autistic, but autistic people aren't born evil. No one is. 

Thank you for reading,

R.B.

- Mod RB

[hufflly-puffs]

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Chapter 12: The Patronus

What follows is a long stretch of time where neither Harry or Ron talk to Hermione, first because of the Firebolt and then Scabbers. And I think we talk about months here. And it is not like I never had fights with my friends about things that weren’t even worth the trouble but I had never been that petty. Sure we might didn’t talk for a week or so, but then it was over, because being in school together and sitting next to each other in every class is going to be real awkward if you no longer talk. Basically I just want Harry and Ron to get over themselves, instead of holding the second longest grudge, only outrun by Snape, the master of all grudges.

So Hermione knew that Lupin was a werewolf since Christmas at least, (probably before when she wrote the werewolf essay for Snape) and kept it a secret the entire time. Why? Was her trust and admiration for Lupin big enough that she didn’t think of the possible danger he could pose? Did she share this information with any of the teachers only to learn they already knew about him? Because I love Lupin, don’t get me wrong, but Hermione, highly logical Hermione, would take her emotions for her teacher aside if she thought he was dangerous. Because Hermione couldn’t have known about the Potion Snape made for Lupin… or maybe she did, as both Harry had mentioned it and Dumbledore again over Christmas dinner. Still, in the Shrieking Shak Hermione said she covered for Lupin and I wonder what that implied.

The Patronus Charm is probably one of the most specific charms there is. Like how often does an average wizard encounter a Dementor and therefore even knows the Charm? How come Lupin knew it? The only other time we see the Charm performed is as a way to communicate, in book 7. Apart from that the Patronus Charm is also the most beautiful charm if you think about it. Born out of a truly happy memory it protects the caster and serves as a guardian. And of course when we look at the Dementors as a metaphor for depression, the Patronus Charm is then a metaphor for a cure (though nothing can actually kill a Dementor). And it is quite telling that said cure is highly advanced magic, that a lot of wizards and witches never mastered to perform, that focussing on a happy memory does sound easy but is indeed the hardest part, as the Dementor takes away all your happy memories and the sense of yourself.

“‘Each one is unique to the wizard who conjures it.’” – Mine, of course, is a sloth.

Not only does the Boggart looks like a Dementor, it has also the same effect on Harry as a real Dementor. Which makes me wonder, can a Boggart actually hurt a wizard/witch? Or can they only scare their victims?

“What if the Dementors turn up at our match against Ravenclaw? I can’t afford to fall off again. If we lose this game we’ve lost the Quidditch Cup!’” – Harry Potter everyone, setting his priorities straight.

It is interesting to look at the happy memories Harry chooses to conjure a Patronus: riding a broom for the first time, winning the House Cup, learning that he is a wizard. The first two feel strangely impersonal, whereas the third was a life-changing experience. And it reminds me of the Boggarts that most of Harry’s classmates saw, and how they presented childish fears like mummies, because hardly anyone of them had experienced real fear and horror. And Harry somehow is missing that one genuine moment of happiness. And it is not as he doesn’t have happy memories, but it is how he looks at things. He doesn’t think of the friends he found at Hogwarts as a happy memory, but rather about things and events. Later though, in book 5, the thought of Ron and Hermione does help him to conjure a Patronus, and again in book 7. And I think that might also be a reason why this charm is usually taught to much older students, because they have a deeper, more complex understanding of their own psyche, which would help them to cast the spell.

It is also interesting to look how different Lupin and Harry’s relationship was compared to what Sirius and Harry later had. Lupin never tries to be a father figure, he doesn’t treat Harry different than any other student and tries to keep his distance, and he only coincidently lets slip out that he knew James, without telling Harry more about their friendship. Things change a bit once Lupin is no longer Harry’s teacher. But Sirius on the other hand offers Harry to live with him after Harry knew him for about an hour, and Harry, longing for a real family ever since, happily accepts. I think Lupin kept his distance, knowing how complicated things could get with the history he had with James, and that is exactly where Sirius’s relationship with Harry went wrong, but we will talk about this once we get there.

“Terrible though it was to hear his parents’ last moments replayed inside his head, these were the only times Harry had heard their voices since he was a very small child. But he’d never be able to produce a proper Patronus if he half wanted to hear his parents again …” – Harry was only a baby when his parents died, so the memory of it is subconscious at the very least. And yet he remembers it as if he had been a real witness, including every little detail. So the Dementors are able to bring back memories we aren’t even aware of or that our mind made us forget in order to survive, forcing their victims to constantly relive their traumas.

“Harry didn’t have time to fathom the mystery of Hermione’s impossible timetable at the moment;” – Most oblivious character ever.

“‘I’m not buying anything Malfoy thinks is good,’ said Harry flatly.” – I love one (1) overly dramatic teenage boy.

“You can exist without your soul, you know, as long as your brain and heart are still working. But you’ll have no sense of self any more, no memory, no … anything. There’s no chance at all of recovery. You’ll just – exist. As an empty shell. And your soul is gone for ever … lost.” – Let’s talk about souls for a bit. First of all, the soul and the body are separate things here, and one can exist without the other. The idea of a separation between body and soul is quite common in most religions, and the way a human without a soul is described here fits into most philosophies. Essentially the soul is who you are as a person, and without it yourself stops existing, leaving only a body behind. (Which is actually quite different than how the soul is described in other fictions, such as Supernatural or Buffy, where the soul serves as a moral compass, and people without it become amoral beings.) However the great difference is that most religions believe the soul is immortal and indestructible. But we later learn that wizards are able to destroy their souls and break them apart, through the construction of Horcruxes. And yet creating a Horcrux is different than losing your soul, because Voldemort still had a sense of who he is, and all his soul-pieces shared the same memories, emotions and motivations (the Tom Riddle/Diary-Horcrux knew about Harry, even though Harry existed after its creation). Without a doubt though the Horcruxes made Voldemort more and more less human, and ultimately someone beyond saving.

It is also completely fair to read Harry Potter as a Christian text. While religion itself isn’t really mentioned in the text (apart from Christian holidays such as Christmas and Easter), Christian motifs can be found throughout the text, the most evident Harry’s sacrifice in book 7, that results in the protection of the people at Hogwarts in the same way Harry was protected through his mother’s sacrifice, painting Harry as Christ figure.

“Explain why Muggles Need Electricity” – THE INTERNET.

As much as it annoyed me that Harry and Ron didn’t talk to Hermione because of a broom of all things, I appreciate that Harry’s first though after getting back the Firebolt was that they should make up with Hermione, pointing out that she was only trying to help, and was genuinely worried about her workload and the stress she put herself under. I mean the peace lasts only for about 2 minutes before Scabbersgate, but it was nice. (Give it to Peter to ruin friendships even as a rat.)

[foursprout-blog]

5 Reasons I’m Glad I Got the Fuck Over Myself and Went To Therapy

New Post has been published on http://foursprout.com/happiness/5-reasons-im-glad-i-got-the-fuck-over-myself-and-went-to-therapy/

5 Reasons I’m Glad I Got the Fuck Over Myself and Went To Therapy

Nitish Meena / Unsplash

I am in good mental health.

Even in my darkest moments, this is what I told myself. The facts seemed to support me. I’d never been diagnosed with a mental illness. I never needed pills to cure anything more than sinusitis. I had a great childhood. I was in control—stable and calm; cool and collected.

Except when I wasn’t. Every now and then, stress would kick my brain into overdrive and I didn’t know how to take back the wheel. I’d feel attacked by bouts of insecurity, helplessness, and anxiety. I’d call my parents in exasperation and then lash out when their words weren’t what I wanted to hear. My remedies were to smoke weed, sleep, and hope that I felt better the next day. I usually did.

I was initially inspired to book a session with a therapist after making a dentist’s appointment. I thought it was basically the same idea. When I told my mom my plan, she asked, “When the psychiatrist asks why you’re there, what are you going to say?”

“That I just wanted to get a check-up on my mental health?” I replied.

“I think you’ll probably have to be more specific than that, sweetie,” she said. And so I shelved the idea.

Several months later, I attempted a personal experiment where I let my friends control my daily routine for a month (another story for another day). I thought I was strong enough to handle losing control of my life. I wasn’t. I quit 22 days in.

That month was like a catfish shuffling through the muck. I felt like a failure, an embarrassment, and a disappointment. Negative self-talk amplified. The clouds blackened. They were always there, but a fortuitous breeze usually whisked them away. But now I didn’t know how to summon the wind.

I finally got the fuck over my “good mental health” and made an appointment with a therapist. I’m so glad I did. Here are 5 reasons why.

1. I learned how to label my emotions.

When someone asks how you are, what do you say? If you’re like me, the answer is usually “good.” Sometimes it’s “fine.” On occasion, it’s “not so great.” And there you go, the three buckets of emotions as I understood them: good, fine, and none of the above.

In one of my first sessions, my therapist showed me a chart with cartoonish faces, each labeled with an emotion. It might sound silly, but that sheet of circular blobs was a revelation. When I was feeling “not so great,” that didn’t necessarily mean “sad.” Sometimes it meant “frustrated,” or “anxious,” or “scared.” And when I was feeling “good,” it didn’t necessarily mean “happy”—sometimes it meant “joyful,” or “loved,” or “excited.” Each provoked different thought patterns and behavior.

Understanding your emotions is a bit like making a stew. Sometimes it smells delicious, and you can see the potatoes, onions, and beef chunks gurgling in harmony. But sometimes something stinks. Before, it was hard to tell if the smell was mustard seed or rotten eggs. But now, I could better identify what brewed in my cauldron.

2. I practiced how to separate emotions from thoughts, facts, and behaviors.

Therapy has many forms. I chose cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), which is grounded in pragmatic analysis of present-day problems. It’s like learning how to rewire your brain.

Before I started, those wires were all jumbled together. If I felt like shit, it was because I was shit, and so I acted like a shithead. I didn’t understand how to separate each part of that equation: it was just shit. A good sleep was the only thing that broke the cycle.

One of the core tools in CBT is a worksheet called the thought log. In it, you take an automatic negative thought, like “I’m a failure,” and unpack it. How does that thought make you feel? (Sad, frustrated, disappointed, upset.) What is the supporting evidence for that thought? (I quit a personal experiment.) What evidence does not support that thought? (I graduated from college; I have a steady job; I won the spelling bee in 4th grade.) Given that, is there a different thought that feels more accurate? (I succeed in most things but bit off more than I could chew with an absurdly difficult experiment.) What feelings are associated with that? (More hopeful, still a little frustrated, a bit confused, but no longer sad). And repeat as necessary.

CBT was the only time I liked doing homework. I practiced the thought log several times a week. Wires started falling into place. I learned just how much negative thoughts influenced how I felt, and how liberating it felt to choose what to think.

3. I learned how to recognize cognitive distortions affecting my behavior.

I think when many think of mental health, they picture white-walled corridors, straitjackets, and cups with little pills in them. I think it’s more like a funhouse with funky mirrors. You’re looking at yourself thinking, “that can’t be me.” And yet, it is you, but your forehead is five times bigger than your torso. “Oh, right, the mirror has a funny shape,” you’ll think, and then you laugh at your gargantuan nose and move on.

Cognitive distortions are like those funky mirrors, but they’re far more sinister. In the clinical sense, cognitive distortions are exaggerated thought patterns which distort reality and feed depression and anxiety.

Take a common one—all or nothing thinking. I did this all the damn time. Ever find yourself saying something like “He never pays attention to me”? Or “I always ruin things”? Boom: cognitive distortion. The situation is rarely that black and white. Chances are, it’s not “always” or “never” because life is rarely that extreme. Usually it’s somewhere in that vast grey area.

Cognitive distortions work because they’re simple and predictable. It’s as seamless as trying on a pair of sunglasses. And once that darkness takes over, logic and reason shut down.

For me, learning to spot them was half the battle. If negative thoughts looped through my head like a broken record, usually it was fueled by a pernicious cognitive distortion. When I unpacked that thought and looked for a cognitive distortion, the spell was often broken.

4. I invested in myself.

Know this now: therapy is not easy. I didn’t find it particularly therapeutic either, at least not like a massage or spa treatment. It can also be expensive—one session ran me $140 an hour. Yes, there are plenty of cheaper (and even free) options. But there’s no question it’s a commitment: with money, time, and emotional wherewithal.

Other than the examples I’ve given, I don’t want to delve into the specifics of each session. What’s shared in therapy should stay private. I will say that in the spectrum of struggles, mine were probably mild. But I still felt like I got in my own way a lot—with friendships and relationships; as a son and a co-worker; as a dreamer and a doer.

In our first session, I set goals for myself. They had to be tangible, like “Develop strategies to keep negative thoughts from ruminating for more than an hour.” I would’ve given my pinkie toe to overcome that one. When to comes to “return on investment,” I can think of few better payoffs than clear thinking.

Sessions in therapy were like signposts on a journey into my brain. Everyone’s journey is different—some longer, more arduous, and fraught with obstacles—and there’s no shame in walking with a guide for as long as you need. After a lot of practice in and out of therapy, I felt like I was sturdy enough to continue on my own. Note that doesn’t make me “cured”—because that’s not how mental health works—just that I felt knowledgeable enough to keep administering the antidote.

Therapy produced such clear dividends. I deconstructed my clock to see what made it tick. I developed a mental health toolbox that I’ll carry with me for life. And now, I actually feel like I’m driving my life as opposed to letting the road drive me.

5. I let go of pride and quelled my fears.

I feel like many think going to therapy is admitting weakness. That it must mean there’s something broken inside. I hate that. It’s like saying lifting weights is for weaklings. The ones that are strongest get their ass to the gym.

But have I always thought that way? Not even close. Why do you think it took me so long to make my first appointment? Therapy was for Zach Braff’s character in Garden State. That dude was messed up. I’m fine.

Yes, there were moments when I was not fine. But that’s just life, right? I didn’t need help to get through life’s ups and downs. I was too proud to work on my mental health.

What a massive irony. We don’t hesitate to sign up for a painting class, but when it comes to understanding the brain, an incredibly complex and precious instrument that humanity has worked for millennia to demystify, we’re all like: “Nah, I got this.”

It’s a ridiculous notion that needs to stop. I know now that hidden beneath my pride was fear. I felt scared that I wouldn’t like what I found when I started looking. I was terrified of friends finding out. If it hadn’t been for the encouragement and acceptance from loved ones, I doubt I would have gathered the strength to go.

I feel loved for having their support. I know many aren’t as lucky. That sucks. I’m frustrated that talking about mental health is still stigmatized. I’m upset that some stereotype therapy as a weakness. And I’m sad that those stigmas and stereotypes turn away those that need therapy most.

And so, here’s my attempt to rewire that thought.

Instead of being ashamed to go to therapy, I’m proud to admit that I don’t have all the answers. I’m proud to ask for help. I’m proud to look my demons in the eye and make them blink. I’m proud to seek mental stability. I’m proud to believe that I can be better.

And if you feel the same? Well then I’m proud of you too.

[sarahburness]

My Proactive 8-Part Plan for Beating Anxiety and Negativity

“Nothing can bring you peace but yourself.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

I’m on a much needed and looked forward to vacation with family whom I love dearly, and yet I’m entering the belly of the whale. Perhaps it was triggered by my habit of making sure everyone is okay and having a good time. Perhaps it’s because the act of preparing for and traveling to Baja was exhausting and now I’m just tired.

Whatever the cause, my anxiety starts as an uncertainty, an insecurity tickling the back of my skull. Then it attacks my ego, assigning me responsible for the self-created and the mostly non-existent negative body language that whoever is sitting next to me is giving off. The way you picked up your fork makes me think you’re angry. The look you flashed when I coughed causes me to cower.

From there the insecurity spreads like a plague until it’s part of every thought, every action. At some point, it doesn’t even seem to originate in the brain anymore. It becomes a vibration within. A simmering under my skin that makes me jump at the smallest of noises. A discomfort that makes eggshells appear under my feet.

Once here, it’s like I can’t do anything right. Every action is disappointing. Every thought is wrong thinking. The big picture comes crashing down making it hard to breathe. It settles onto my shoulders and around my throat, like an over-zealous travel pillow. Tears usually follow accompanied with sides of hopelessness and embarrassment.

Anxiety attacks. No really. It attacks. It’s calculated, methodical, and unforgiving. It makes me think that it’s All. My. Fault. It’s exhausting and it can happen anytime, even on vacation.

I’ve been dealing with anxiety since I was a kid, although I didn’t know what it was until I was well into my thirties, at which point I had to make a decision: to be a stressed-out, anxiety-ridden person, which also meant living with the idea that there was something wrong with me; or to accept the fact that I’m a person and all people have struggles.

Anxiety and negative thinking are my struggles, and I choose to handle them in the same way I handle having seasonal allergies or a bad back.

Let me explain. I live in a state of sleepy sneezes when things start blooming. In the months before spring arrives, I begin taking bee pollen daily so I’m less prone to lethargy and allergy attacks. I injured my back last week surfing, so I’m not going to lift heavy things and after a period of rest, I’ll start doing stretches and exercises to strengthen myself so I can get back in the water.

I’m not going to wait to get to the point where I’m laid out and feeling sorry for myself, and I’m not going to jump into an activity that will exacerbate the situation. I am being proactive about my well-being.

When I was about thirty-five, my anxiety got so bad that it led to a depressive state. I was panicked all of the time and I began to realize that the life choices I habitually made were feeding my negative state of mind.

I wasn’t living a healthy life style. I didn’t find my job fulfilling. I was angry that I didn’t have what “you” had. Something was always missing and I was constantly reaching outward to fill the empty space.

The problem was that nothing from outside myself was helping. I realized that drinking alcohol and eating poorly (i.e. binging on sugar), sitting in front of social media, smoking cigarettes. and watching hours of television were all the same type of abuse.

I had been using all of these things to dull myself to, well, myself. I had been living un-happily for the majority of my life and so unhappy had become my default.

I also had to admit that my discontented state was a direct product of living dishonestly. I hadn’t been communicating about the things that I knew would make me unhappy because I was only worried about what would make me look good to others.

So, I acted based on the assumptions of what others thought I should do (without asking them, of course). Then I got pissed off when others didn’t act the way I wanted them to. The result was that I pushed away the people I loved and in turn, felt isolated and angry.

When I started seeing all of these things that were making me unhappy, the natural question to ask myself was “Well, then, what the heck makes me happy?” The shocking answer was that I didn’t know. Something had to change.

Drinking alcohol was the first thing to go. It was a raging red flag that had been waving for a few years. I finally decided to pay attention.

Once I had a few months of sobriety, an odd thing happened: I started painting. It wasn’t a huge stretch for me, as art had always been in my life in some way, but painting had never been my favorite medium.

But there it was, in all of its colors and shapes. Abstract painting. I didn’t really care what the painting looked like. That wasn’t the point. The point was the present state of mind that creating art brought me to. I didn’t think about my to do list, my sadness, or my insecurities. I was just painting.

When I was a kid, I loved to make art. The art studio in my high school was where I was most comfortable. I loved getting my hands dirty in clay. I left spatterings of paint and ink on my clothes because I liked them there. I felt at home when I was doing art.

At thirty-six years old, immersing myself in abstract painting reminded me of what it was like to actually feel like myself again.

I had to come to terms with the fact that since I was thirteen years old, I had been living the life of a person that I thought I should be, not who I really was. I had to let go of all aspects of that person that wasn’t authentic to me and remove all of my masks in order to follow the life I want to live.

I felt relieved to finally be exposed. I didn’t have to hide anymore. I admitted that sometimes I am more of an introvert than extrovert. That if all I’m doing is chasing a paycheck, I’m never going to be okay with a nine-to0five job, even if it comes with an impressive title. That I am not ever going to be like anyone else but me.

I recently had a discussion with a friend regarding how to be the best and most useful person to the world. She was given the advice to follow her authentic passion, as following passion leads to happiness and a happy person is more useful to themselves and everyone around them.

I don’t really remember how old I was when I started making art, but I’m pretty sure that it’s the first thing I found that felt good to my soul, and it was life-saving to be reminded of that. Now, having come full circle, I have four years of my authentic work under my belt. I have quit my day job and I’m pursuing my passion of being a professional artist (which is something that I deemed not possible very early on).

I don’t know what prompted me to pick up a paintbrush four years ago, but I believe it was a gift from my Self to myself. The really cool thing is that I don’t want to be anyone but me anymore. I’m so interested in giving attention to this person that has always been there, but I ignored because I didn’t think she was good enough.

It was difficult to grasp that the only one judging and bullying me was me, but I have to remain compassionate to that misguided part of myself as well. She was only doing the best she could.

Anxiety is still a part of my life. I am not “cured.” But just like I treat allergies or an injured back, I have decided to be proactive in dealing with my anxiety.

When I’m actively practicing the below, I’m better rested and less reactive. I am able to clearly see my options leading to less confusion and better decisions. Most importantly, I can feel when anxiety is welling up and I have the tools to tamper it down before it is out of control.

When I am active in the following, my anxiety is manageable:

1. Choose to live authentically. What moves me? What do I feel I am here to do? What is going to make me happy? Whatever it is, don’t judge it. Do it.

2. Practice acceptance. We all have hard things to deal with. Every last one of us. That’s life.

3. Meditation in the mornings sets my base line for the day and helps me sleep at night.

4. Painting every day keeps my hands busy and creates an outlet for the mental energy that cannot be released otherwise.

5. Exercising outside in nature, particularly surfing in the ocean every chance I get, allows me to see that the world is sooooo much bigger than me and all decisions are not mine for the making (see the above mentioned back injury).

6. Reciting my gratitude list regularly, and telling the people I love that I’m grateful for them, helps me to see the positive side of life instead of focusing on the negative.

7. Eating right and treating my body with respect keeps me feeling whole, healthy, and balanced.

8. Reminding myself that this is a practice. I am not perfect. It’s okay not to be.

It’s not always easy. When I started writing this, I was entering the belly of the whale. Now that I’m many paragraphs in, I already feel more at ease.

By identifying and accepting this particular whale, I don’t have to be swallowed. Just by writing this, I have taken the unknown out of the scenario by calling the anxiety out for what it is. Once I have given it a name, it’s not quite so scary. It just is what it is. Some people have diabetes. I have anxiety.

We cannot choose whether or not we have problems like anxiety. We all have our issues and that’s just part of being human. Rather than be at odds with anxiety all the time, we can choose to learn more about it and actually co-exist. We have a choice about how much say we allow anxiety to have in our lives.

I find that I prefer to swim along-side my whale and learn more about it rather than being engulfed by it. Frankly, more and more, I’m finding that I’m just grateful to be able to go for a swim, and so I dive in. Deeper and deeper. Excited to find what else is beneath.

About Marigny Goodyear

Marigny Goodyear is an artist, living and working in Talent, Oregon with her husband, Goody and daughter, Nora. She plays in Crescent City, California, where the ocean keeps her strong and inspired, and she often visits her hometown of New Orleans (also nicknamed The Crescent City), where the rhythm of her heartbeat is renewed. Visit her at marignygoodyearart.com.

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from Tiny Buddha https://tinybuddha.com/blog/my-proactive-8-part-plan-for-beating-anxiety-and-negativity/

[mikeyd1986]

MIKEY’S PERSONAL BLOG 41, February 2017

On Monday afternoon, I had my first appointment to see my new psychologist Ms. Angela Ewing at New View Psychology through Casey Allied Health in Berwick. This was organised a few weeks ago through the Employee Assistance Program (EAP) due to being unable to cope with my high anxiety levels and work related stress. Of course I was feeling a bit nervous meeting her as I always am meeting somebody new for the first time but I slowly eased up to her during the session. http://caseyalliedhealth.com.au/pra...

Her office was quite clinical and pokey with a handful of leather-backed arm chairs, an artificial orchard plant and a large hanging wall decoration featuring rusted butterflies. I warmed to her fairly quickly despite a few moments of stumbling over my words. She gave me a few suggestions to take away from this session including increasing the dose of my medication and practicing controlled breathing techniques on a daily basis. http://newviewpsychology.com.au/emp...

Angela also asked me to fill in a DASS 42 self-report questionnaire which measures the severity of symptoms from depression, anxiety and stress. My results indicated that I had a extremely severe level of anxiety, severe level of stress and a moderate level of depression. http://www.psytoolkit.org/survey-li...

On Tuesday morning, I went to my Just Breathe yoga class at Now, Yoga. in Narre Warren South. I was amazed to see so many others enrolling and joining the class today. Normally, you’d be lucky to see 2 or 3 others but today there were about 8 of us. And these ladies were quite a jovial bunch, cracking humourous jokes about struggling through poses and dealing with sore joints especially as you get older. I find laughter so important. Yes yoga is a serious practice but sometimes you just have to let it go...literally! http://nowyoga.net.au/timetable/

Today we did quite a few flowing sequences as well as our Alternate Nostril Breathing (Nadi Shodhana Pranayama) exercise and deep yogic breathing. Some of the poses we did include: Flowing Warrior Sequence (Forward Fold, Warrior 2, Peaceful Warrior, Reverse Warrior, Side Angle Pose, Revolved Triangle Pose), Pigeon Pose, Wide Legged Forward Bend, Downward Facing Dog and Cat-Cow Pose. https://www.verywell.com/get-fierce...

After the class, I got back into doing some acrylic painting on canvas panel. It’s been a few months since I’ve done any artwork due to losing the motivation but now I really want to get back into it. This week I decided to focus on the use of blending warm colours together to create an abstract landscape. This piece depicts the summer sky with tones reminiscent of the Australian Outback (reds, blues, yellows, oranges, pinks, white, black).

On Tuesday night, I attended my Body Combat class at YMCA Casey ARC in Narre Warren. Unlike a couple of weeks back, I was feeling more focused and switched on tonight. I was becoming more aware of my stance, my body movements and co-ordination whilst doing the workout. I’m reminding myself to keep my guard up in between jabs, uppercuts, hooks and the like as well as turning from the back heel and working into my hips more. 

I’m a little slow at times and I do miss reps but that’s okay. Like our instructor Cinamon Guerin keeps telling us, I don’t give up even if I make a mistake or I’m struggling. I really pushed myself hard tonight and it felt good even though I was dripping in sweat. I’ve formed a connection with this particular class now and it honestly encourages me to keep coming back. https://www.goodlifehealthclubs.com.au/... 

On Thursday morning, I had my third counselling session at Piece Together Counselling in Narre Warren. The door was slightly ajar when I got there for my appointment. Imagine my surprise when I didn’t see Rachel sitting down on the sofa but her colleague Ruth. She told me that Rachel couldn’t be there today due to illness and that she was a qualified counselor and psychotherapist. https://www.yelp.com.au/biz/piece-t... 

Considering I’m usually really reserved and hesitant when it comes to new therapists but I found her easy to open up to about my problems. We went through the ABCDE worksheets that I’ve been filling out in the last couple of weeks which have helped me to see things from a more rational and realistic perspective. She also told me about the acronym for FEAR...False Evidence Appearing Real. http://www.awaken.com/2013/01/overc...   

We spent the last 5-10 minutes of the session playing with some kinetic sand which has the consistency of play dough or a cookie mixture but doesn’t stick to your hands. It’s supposed to calm your mind and reduce your symptoms of anxiety, depression and stress simply by touching and feeling it slip through your fingers. http://www.kineticsand.com.au/ 

On Friday morning, I had an hour long whole body Chinese Massage at Top 1 Therapy in Cranbourne East. I was a little apprehensive and nervous about it considering how intense my last Chinese massage was but for $29, I really couldn’t complain too much. In the waiting area, I glanced up to see the wall covered in framed certificates of qualifications. That put my mind at ease a bit knowing that at least these people were trained professionals. 

The Asian lady was extremely thorough during the entire session. She really worked hard into my tense neck, shoulder and back muscles. Admittedly, the pressure was a little strong at times but it wasn’t excruciating and she did ask me if it was okay. The slapping and thumping of my legs and lower back was something I wasn’t quite prepared for but I rode through it and felt better for it. She also used hot stones, towels and oil which all felt really good. http://www.top1therapy.com/

On Friday afternoon, I had my first one-on-one training session with my new personal trainer Luke Davey at Breakaway Fitness in Narre Warren. It must have been fate that brought us together after being invited to like his page. I soon discovered that he trained at UFT - CrossFit Fountain Gate where I used to go last year. The truth is that I did enjoy some aspects of the training I was doing with my former personal trainer but due to personality clashes and being unable to fit in socially with his group of clients, I decided to leave for the sake of my mental health. 

Still I was pretty nervous walking through those doors again. I decided to treat this experience as a fresh start rather than dwell on past hurts and bad experiences. Luke was very welcoming and easy to get along with. I did a 40 minute trial workout which included warming up with the stick master game, doing 20m bear, gorilla and crab walks and then a 7 minute AMRAP (15 Squats, 10 push ups, 5 ring rows and a 20m bear crawl). I managed to do 3 rounds and several squats which was better than I expected.

Luke asked me a lot of personal questions throughout the session. I did feel a little guarded as I’m still getting to know him but so far things went really well. Of course I had to sign a mountain of paperwork but I’m kinda used to that by now. I’m planning on doing one session a week as I want to continue going to classes at Casey Arc, Just Be and Now Yoga. https://www.facebook.com/breakawayf...

“It’s clear you think that I’m inferior. Whatever helps you sleep at night. Whatever helps you keep it tight.” Broods - Free (2016) 

  “Hand in hand you led me into things I never knew. You’re drinking up a cure now. Forget what you have seen. I sit analysing what the hell is wrong with me”                                 Broods - Recovery (2016)