#almost teared up thinking about how much i love women and how happy i am to accept that earlier

[napping-sapphic]

There really is something so magical about loving women for me like i love getting passing crushes and thinking someone is beautiful or handsome or cute, a girl can make me blush once and i’ll feel like im floating for the rest of the week

[martinmuhl]

⋆✧˚ ༘ i love you, im sorry

pair: caitlin clark x reader

warnings: none!

summary: you’ve been in a secret relationship with caitlin and you’ve finally had enough

hi loves! i don’t know why i wrote this lmao i was feeling angsty but dw there’s a happy ending :) i hope yall enjoy love u!!

‧₊˚ ☁️⋅♡𓂃 ࣪ ִֶָ☾.

“i wasn’t saying we go public now, cait. i was just asking if you thought we could sometime soon,” you say, tears welling in your eyes.

“god y/n, you know this stresses me out. i don’t know what to tell you, i can’t predict when we’ll go public. i just need time.” she covers her face with her hands, sighing.

you and caitlin had been dating for almost a year now, in private. the two of you had met back at iowa where you’d been a manger for the women’s basketball team and she’d been a player. the plan was to come out together as a couple after she graduated, but once that happened, caitlin was too nervous about the worlds opinion of her. then she said she would include your relationship in her draft speech, but she was too afraid. she was the #1 draft pick of course and more eyes than ever had tuned into her and the wnba. she kept telling you that after her first season, your guys’ secret could be shared. but the more and more you waited, the more and more exhausted you became keeping up with this secret. you started to think you’d have to live this way forever.

“i understand cait, i just hate living this way. i want to show you off and take you out on real dates. you are so important to me and i just hate hiding this part of my life,” you sigh. her face turned red, anger creeping onto it.

“i am the biggest name in the wnba right now, what do you expect me to do? you know i love you, but all eyes are on me and this could ruin my reputation. i’m in the running for rookie of the year, y/n, i need to focus on that.” she exclaims, throwing her arms into a shrug.

you felt a tear fall. this could ruin my reputation, she had said. “oh i’m so sorry that i could ruin your reputation. maybe you should’ve thought of that before asking me to move here and spend my life with you. you say you love me, but you’re a coward. is that how you want to live your life? hiding who you are? you told me we’d go public once we graduated, but that didn’t happen. then draft night and that didn’t happen either. what now? what about what i want? i understand that you’re under the public eye more than ever right now, but i wont sit around and wait forever.” you stand up, making your way toward your shared bedroom.

“where are you going? can we please just talk about this? i promise we’ll go public at the end of the season.” caitlin follows you and sees you packing a bag.

“i’m going to stay with lauren for a bit, i guess i just need some time too.” you say, shoveling clothes into the bag. maybe staying with your sister was best for you right now. you understood caitlin, but that didn’t mean that it didn’t break your heart a little more every time she went back on her word. you knew coming out wasn’t easy and especially when everyone was watching her, but you hated being led on. you loved her so much and couldn’t imagine your life without her, but if she was going to keep you hidden forever then you just couldn’t do it.

“please y/n, don’t go. i love you.” she pleads, grabbing your arm and trying to stop you for walking out the door. you rip your arm away.

“i love you too, but i deserve better than being your secret. i wouldn’t want to ruin your reputation,” you say with a sad smile and walk out the door. you truly loved her more than anything in this world, but when she went back on her word so much it was hard to trust her. you knew how hard this was on her, but it was hard on you too.

a few days after your argument, caitlin had tried to reach out everyday. you told her you needed some space and you’d talk to her when you were ready. caitlin on the other hand was going insane, worrying every second of the day. you were the best thing that had happened to her and she just let you get away like that? no, it wasn’t right. this wasn’t how you ended. caitlin knew that you were beginning to not trust her anymore, she was just so afraid of what everyone else would say. she felt exactly how you felt though. she was exhausted and was suffocating. she hated hiding who she was, and even more than that, she hated hiding you. especially every time she was asked if she was seeing anyone and she had to say no, she was focused on basketball. she hated disappointing you. she knew what she had to do. what she needed to do.

you settled on your sisters couch, laptop in your lap with the fever game on. caitlin was playing lights out, earning her first triple double and the first for a rookie. the fever ended up winning with a huge upset against the new york liberty. you were ecstatic for her, but you still felt a massive pit in your stomach due to your argument. nonetheless, she was still the girl you loved and you had to congratulate her.

you: congrats cait, i’m so proud of you

cait<3: thank you baby, i’m so sorry again. tune in for my post game interview?

you: of course

you turn on her post game interview, her sitting beside her teammate aliyah and her coach. they answered the standard questions, caitlin answering a few more because of her triple double. you can’t help but smile and feel proud of how hard she works. she deserves this. although you’re still upset with her, you can’t help but feel like you may have been a bit selfish. she has worked so hard for this moment and you didn’t want your relationship to become the big headline instead of her talent. sighing, you grab your phone to text her as her interview ends. then you hear her voice.

“wait. uh before we go, i just have something i want to say. i am so grateful for my teammates, coaches, and fans support, but none of this would be possible without the support of my girlfriend. our relationship is the most important thing in my life and i’ve been hiding it because i was scared… but im not scared anymore. i want to show her off and i want everyone to know her like i know her because she is amazing. y/n, if you’re watching this and i really hope you are, i love you and i really hope i see you at home,” she finishes with a smile. then she walks out. the room goes dead silent before the interview ends and the camera shuts off.

you were speechless. you couldn’t believe she just did that. everybody would know about the two of you now. after staring at your screen for what feels like an eternity in shock, you grab your bag and dash out of your sisters apartment. you quickly arrive back at your and caitlin’s apartment, sprinting up the stairs. you rush into the apartment and see caitlin sitting on the couch, hands covering her face. once she hears you open the door, she stands and takes a deep breath.

“cait i… i don’t know what to say. are you okay? im so sorry, i never meant to pressure you! your career is important and we can wait until-“ the words come flying out of your mouth, but she cuts you off. you are undoubtedly happy that you can finally live freely with her, but you still feel some guilt as she walks over to where you’re standing.

“baby just stop. you were right. you didn’t pressure me to do anything. i was a coward and i was miserable keeping us a secret. i love you and im so sorry for saying you would ruin my reputation. you are the best thing that has ever happened to me and i want you and everybody else to know that. the world deserves to know my beautiful girl, just like i do.” she breathes, putting her hands on your shoulders to bring you closer. she engulfs you into her arms and you release a sigh of relief, mumbling an i love you into her neck. as nervous as you were to check social media and see what everyone was saying, the two of you felt the happiest you’d been and you couldn’t wait to share each other with the world.

[jamespotterismydaddy]

Lord Husband (Chapter 10)

cregan stark x reader

A/N: I keep forgetting I exist. Sorry this is short oopsies

WORD COUNT: 982 words

series masterlist

You hardly see him for weeks. Any new wife would expect her husband to impress his needs upon her frequently after the wedding night in hopes of creating an heir but you almost knew he wouldn’t. There’s something so strange about Cregan Stark; he’s empathetic. It’s not a trait you knew any man could hold. In reality, you should be pleased that your husband doesn’t wish to rape you but you’re more frustrated. He shall want for a son eventually, won’t he? This is only delaying the inevitable and you are a ‘get it over with’ kind of woman.

You arrive at his chambers with little more than a knock on the door. “Do you not wish for an heir, Lord Stark?”

“Good morning.” He murmurs, looking up from the papers on his desk.

“An heir? Is it your wish or not?” You say, disregarding his greeting.

He sighs, already stressed from reading over land disputes and not wishing to be stressed over his petulant wife. “Of course I want for a son.”

“You haven’t visited my chambers in weeks.”

“I did not think you wanted me to.” He looks at you, confused and a bit sorrowful.

“There is only one way to make a child.”

Gods he thinks you look so like a child when you stand there with such false assurance. It makes him feel wretched.

“You weeped the last time I took you to bed. I have been trying to give you time so that you might… recover?” The words don’t feel right to him. “I don’t want to cause you pain.”

“Lying with you caused me no feelings of importance.”

Cregan counts to ten in his head but only makes it to five. He then stands abruptly.

“You will watch your tone when you speak to me!” He says, fed up with your lack of decorum.

You gape at him like a fish. He went from so pitiful to angry so quickly.

“I have done all I can to make you comfortable, all I can to make you feel welcomed and at every turn, you insult me! You have spent your entire life as the spoilt daughter of the Queen and for that, I do not blame you but I can only be so lenient. You will no longer take liberties with how you speak to me. I am your husband and you will learn to treat me as such.” He breathes heavily after letting all his emotions go. “Even princesses don’t speak to their spouses in the way you speak to me.”

“I’m not your wife by choice. I didn’t want this.” You protest in justification of your own cruelty.

He scoffs. “And do you think I did?”

“You asked for my hand.”

“Her Grace offered me your hand.”

“You could’ve said no.”

“Is that truly what you think? Are you really so naive as to believe that? Everyone of our station marries for advantage. I am no different and neither are you.” Even when he shouted at you only moments ago, he never sounded as hateful as he does right now.

“And you’re happy with this standard?” You ask with level headed contemplation.

“Of course I’m not but it’s what is done.”

“It isn’t fair for you to fault me for wanting something more when you’re also unhappy with it… especially when you know it’s more difficult for women than men.” You desperately want him to understand you. You just want somebody to understand.

“We all make sacrifices for the people we love.” He says dutifully.

“I make the sacrifices while my brothers marry for love. How is that fair?”

“So you’re bitter? Prince Jacaerys will be king one day. That’s a much greater sacrifice than marrying for advantage.”

The tears prickle in your eyes. You should’ve known.

“At least he won’t be alone.”

You don’t want to argue anymore, or rather be scolded like a dumb child so you leave, striding back to your room.

You stare into the mirror when you arrive. Would your mother be disappointed by how disagreeable you are, how disobedient? Daemon wouldn’t. But you aren’t Daemon Targaryen. You’re just a girl, a girl that might ruin an alliance if you can’t make nice with your husband. Should you care? Your stepfather wouldn’t. Dragon riders don’t obey societal norms… but you do care… ever so slightly.

~~~

A voice at the door. Does he want to be let in only so he can say a hundred words that mean so little?

“Enter.”

Your husband, tall and strong walks into the room, reminding you of someone you used to know. He’s kind and brave like him.

“I should not have shouted at you. I just feel as though I’m not heard when I’m quiet but that is no justification.” He stares at the back of your head. You don’t turn to face him, looking out the window instead of at the mirror. This is your home now. He will become your home - he could become your home.

“If I walked out the door right now and never came back, would you try and stop me?” You aren’t angry about his shouting; you’re used to fire.

“No.”

“It would destroy the alliance. You could side with the Hightowers or simply just watch as they take my mother’s throne.”

“You could walk out that door, get on your dragon and never come back and I would keep my oath to the Queen.”

Gods he really is decent.

“Where would you go?” He asks like you haven’t just said you might run out on your marriage.

“Old Valyria.”

“You would die.”

“I would.”

“I’m not sorry for making things difficult for you but I acknowledge that I have.”

He smiles a bit woefully. “I wouldn’t expect anything less, princess.”

“Any woman in Westeros would consider herself lucky to be your wife.”

“Hmm… almost any it seems.”

Comment to be added to taglist

[emmy19-05]

Come Back To Me

Leila Ouahabi x Female Reader

Summary: You are moving clubs and Leila (your girlfriend of 4 years) and you get into an argument about it which leads to you not speaking to each other.

*TW: EMOTIONAL*

Warning!! Contains: High angst, co-dependence (if you squint), arguing

Word count: 2.1k

3 years earlier…

You and Leila are both sitting on the couch watching your favorite Christmas movie together on Christmas Eve “The Grinch” You look at Leila in her eyes and you smile at her as she smiles back at you and she says.

“I love you so much. I’m so happy I get to be with you on Christmas.” 

As you smile at her you say back

“I love you too, with all my heart. I am also so happy that I get to spend this holiday with you as well.”

She kisses you slowly and passionately.

 Present…

You begin to pack your bags, you are leaving to go to Wolfsburg on a new contract. Ever since you got the offer from Wolfsburg , Leila has been avoiding you. Manchester City offered to extend your contract, but you denied it because you Wolfsburg offered you a contract too good to pass up. As you pack Leila sits on what used to be your guy’s bed for the past 3 years and now it’s just your bed because Leila refuses to lay with you, and watches you pack. She looks sadder than you’ve ever seen her. You have been dating for almost 4 years and from the first day you two met, it was love at first sight for the both of you. You are so sad you have to leave her. Leila doesn’t know, but you are going to break up with her because long distance that far is almost impossible to do long term, and especially since it seems like Leila is avoiding you anyways it’s obvious she doesn’t want to be with you. You decide to get it over with, because it is bound to happen rather you like it or not.

“Leila we need to talk” You say “You can’t keep avoiding me every time I try to talk to you.”

“About what? How you’re leaving me? Do you know how hard long distance is?” Leila says

“Yes, that’s actually what I wanted to talk about.” 

Leila turns her head sharply and looks at you and says

“Y/N what are you talking about don’t tell me you-”

You start to cry and say 

“Leila, I love you so much and I will for the rest of my life, but we can’t be together, not on these terms. You won’t even talk to me. How will we last hundreds of miles apart if you won’t even speak and have a conversation about us without storming away?”

Leila gets up

“Baby, please don’t do this, don't do this to me, to us.” She says

“Leila we can’t keep doing this ever since I told you I was going to Wolfsburg, you’ve spoken maybe 5 words a day to me, if we get into a fight when i’m thousands of miles from you, how do you think i’ll feel if you go no contact or ignore my text and calls because we got into an argument? It’s not like I can come home and talk to you, we’ll be over 700 miles apart for christ sake.

Leila starts to tear up, but wipes her tears away with her jacket sleeve quickly, but she’s too late and her tears start to pour down her face.

“Ok, fine, what do you want then? To break up? Because I’m willinging to put in effort for us, but you’re not, so don’t blame this on me when you put this upon yourself by signing to a club who is across the continent even though Man City offered you to renew your contract.

“Leila, baby, please can we not-” You start to say, then Leila cuts you off.

“Please, don’t, just don’t call me that, I can't.  it hurts too much”

“Leila I do want-” You begin to say, then to be cut off again.

“Please just don’t, if you don’t want to continue this relationship that’s fine, but don’t you dare say you want me when you aren’t fighting for us, but I am.” Leila says

You begin to cry harder feeling like shit about yourself, you begin to think is this the right call? Are you making the right decision by moving across the world away from the women you love as well as all your friends and family for a team that you know nothing about? It’s too late now you think. I already booked the flight and am going to sign the contract in less than a week.

“Leila, I can’t do this right now. I wanted to have a civil conversation about our future, but you keep shutting down, I am sorry this is happening, but it’s for the-”

“Don’t you dare say ‘it’s for the best’ when it’s not… 4 years down the drain for a club you won’t even like.” Leila says

You see this conversation isn’t going anywhere so you say

“Leila I love you and I am just as heartbroken as you are, but this needs to happen for me to keep sane while in Germany, I simply cannot be feeling like you hate me 24/7 because I moved, I simply cannot do it.”

Leila cries and storms out of the room and grabs her keys and slams the door as she walks out of your apartment you share together.

You feel sick to your stomach as you return to packing.

1 year earlier…

You and Leila are watching Chelsea vs. Arsenal and Leila looks at you and says

“Who are you rooting for?”

You say “Obviously Chelsea come on now, is that even a question, what about you? And don’t you dare say Arsenal or we are breaking up” you joke

“Guess we are breaking up. London is red!” Leila says and you two laugh. Then you say

“Oh no I can’t be with an Arsenal supporter” you say while you’re cracking up laughing, obviously joking around.

“Leila, I’m joking I love you, even if you’re an Arsenal supporter.”

“Love you too mi amor, don’t worry Chelsea is winning haha” She says

“Why am I scared to go against either of these teams though?” You say

“Because they are very strong teams, baby. That’s why”

You both begin to laugh, happy that you get to spend the rest of your life together.

Present…

You and Leila are officially broken up. Leila hasn’t come out of the guest room in the apartment in almost 2 days, only coming out once to shower and twice to grab some food from the kitchen and heading back to her room. Since Leila is refusing to look let alone talk to you. You ask your sister to take you to the airport. About 25 minutes before your sister is going to pick you up, Leila comes out of the room and slowly walks up to you, she is dressed in something nicer than the different pajamas sets she was wearing the past few days and she begins to say

“Are you almost ready to go?”

You look at her strangely and say

“What do you mean? Where are we going”

“To the airport?” She asks as if it’s a question.

“Leila, you wouldn’t talk to me, my sister is taking me to the airport, I thought you wouldn’t want to take me anymore.” You frown

She looks angrier than you've ever seen her.

“What the fuck? Y/N, you specifically asked me to take you a few weeks ago and I said yes, plans changed, yes? Why didn’t you tell me?” Leila says

“Leila, I tried knocking on the guest room door probably 15 times in the past few days trying to talk to you.”

“Oh god, I…I-” Leila starts to cry and runs into the room and you hear the click of the lock.

You look at your phone and your sister texted you over 10 minutes ago. She was in the lobby of the apartment and was waiting for you so she could drop you off at the airport. You don’t know what to do, and you know that Leila will never open the door especially for you, so you do what you really don’t want to do, you open the door and leave.

1 month ago

“Leila, guess what I have great news!” You say

“What happened, baby?” Leila says

“The team just called me; Wolfsburg offered me $2 million to sign a contract for them until 2027!!” You say excitedly. “I think I am going to go, that’d be so cool right? This is a once in a lifetime experience.”

Leila’s smile drops almost instantly and you say 

“What’s wrong? I thought you’d be happy for me?” You say

Leila looks sad and frown and begins to say

“You’re leaving? What about me? What about us?” 

“It’s ok, baby, we’ll figure it out” You smile at her sadly.

Leila gets up without saying anything and walks away looking sadder than ever. 

Present…

You are going down the elevator with your luggage and you are tearing up trying to not let the tears stream down your face, because you don’t want your sister to know what’s going on between you and Leila. You say hi to your sister and thankfully doesn’t say anything about your tear stained cheeks and you then pack your luggage into the car. When you get to the airport, you look at the text you sent to Leila during the car ride there. 

Me: I love you, I’m sorry it had to end this way. Seen 12 minutes ago

You text her again

Me: Leila, maybe we can see each other during the Olympics. It's coming up in a few months, no? Seen

Me:  Leila, sweetheart. Seen

You decide to stop texting her for now because she’s obviously not going to answer.

3 days later…

You’ve been sad since you got to Germany, because Leila hasn’t texted you back it just says “Seen” every time you text her. You read through your recent text with her even though they are only one sided. 

Me: Just arrived. Just thought you’d like to know. Seen

Me: Leila, please answer. I don’t want to end on bad terms with you. Seen

Me:  I am signing the contract tomorrow, wish you were here. Seen

Me:  I miss you. Seen

You sent those all within the past 12 hours and tomorrow morning you are signing the contract with Wolfsburg. You begin to feel tears dripping down your face. You miss Leila so much that your heart hurts. Then you hear a knock on your door. You expect it’s your sister, because she is staying with you for a few days, until you get settled into your hotel. Since moving was a little last minute, you are still trying to find an apartment to move into. You miss living with Leila, nothing will compare to it, you feel. The knocking occurs again and you start to get annoyed because you know she has one of the two key cards to open the hotel door with, but she continues knocking. You pull the door open roughly, annoyed that she wouldn’t use her key card and instead, making you get out of your sorrows to open the door for her. Then you realize it isn’t your sister. It’s Leila. She’s here. Leila’s here, you begin to cry harder than you already were before she got here. She looks at you and smiles sadly and says

“Mi amor, baby, why are you crying?” She walks into the hotel room and closes the door, you run towards her and hug her. Home. You think to yourself. And then bawl your eyes out. You missed her so much. You begin trying to speak but all that is coming out is random words.

“Miss- missed you, lo- love you so much”

“Shh it’s ok, sweet girl, I missed you too. it’s ok, you’re ok. I love you too, "she says.

While kissing your face and neck sweetly she whispers sweet sentiments into your ear making you feel loved and wanted and you wonder why you passed this up, wondering what you are going to do without her when she has to leave.

Leila looks at you and says 4 words:

“Come back to me”.

SEQUEL IS COMING WITHIN THE NEXT FEW DAYS!!

[liahaslosthermind]

~ 𝑨𝒇𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒎𝒂𝒕𝒉 ~

Past Rhysand x OC (Adelaide), Eventual Azriel x OC Part 7 of Betrayal Summary: How much was he willing to sacrifice to bring her back, and how much will be taken from him as consequence? Warnings: Suicidal thoughts and ideology, Death of a loved one, Grief, Betrayal

The room was empty when Azriel opened his eyes. It hadn’t been like the last few times he had ‘woken up’, though he didn’t remember those instances much. While the fog hadn’t fully lifted from his mind, he could finally register the things around him. The overwhelming amount of white in the room, accents of gold, the curtains that had been drawn to let less light in, but not enough that he couldn’t tell how Gods damned bright it was outside. 

Day, he was in the Day court. There was no doubt in his mind. But why had he been brought here?

Trying to sit up was difficult. He didn’t feel pain, didn't see any evidence of injuries, but his muscles felt so stiff, and his wings felt like dead weight. 

His stomach dropped at the realization. 

Reaching to feel his wings, he let out a breath when he realized they weren’t numb and with albeit much more effort than usual, he could move them. 

They are coming, they aren’t happy his shadows sang.

A second later the door opened and in walked Madja and Amren, the two he had first seen when he was still in his muddled state. They weren’t as angry looking as before, but that didn’t mean much, because they were certainly still mad.

“What the fuck did you think you were doing, boy?” 

Azriel didn’t answer Amren, he didn’t have an answer, he didn’t know what she was talking about.

“You know very well it was not your place to mess with that kind of magic, Shadowsinger.” Madja said in a much calmer tone, but that didn’t hide the disapproval that counted her words.

He would have been pissed off at the interrogation, would have grumbled at the continued questioning when he had no idea what the hell they were talking about, if he hadn’t seen the bags underneath both their eyes, and the concern and worry manifested into deep frown lines on their faces.

His confusion must have been visible, because their questions stopped and their anger softened, as much as it could for the two women who typically looked angry. “You- you don’t remember?” Amren stuttered.

Amren never stuttered.

“I have no idea what I am being accused of” He answered honestly. 

The two women looked at each other, then back at the Illyrian.

“Maybe we should get Helion in here” Madja said to Amren as she turned around and walked out.

So he was in Day.

“Amren, please, you aren’t one to sugar coat things.” He begged.

She looked at him and sighed, annoyed.

“They won’t be happy I am telling you this. They would want someone with more bedside manner to explain.” “That is why I need you to, you won’t dance around the truth. What happened?” 

She took a breath as she looked for the words, “You… you were in a bad state after the girl’s death, and it seems you got desperate enough to take your own life to stop the pain.”

Azriel felt the harsh reminder like a slap to the face, tears welling up in his eyes.

How had he forgotten about Adelaide’s death, about the hell he had gone through since? 

“Is that why I’m here? Did I…”

“No, no you didn’t, although your stupid actions might very well have gotten you killed.” She snapped. She took another breath as she tried to stop her anger from seeping through.

He had never seen her like this. As much as they were family, as much as he knew she did care for the inner circle, no matter how little she let it show, he knew she wouldn’t have been impacted this much by his attempted, or apparently his almost attempted, suicide. 

“That's when The Walking Dead found you. It's an old book, probably older than me. There is no recorded story to its creation, it's just something that has always been, preying on the desperate, giving them enough hope to try things they never would have had they been in their right mind.”

The book by her casket, the blank pages, the intervention by his family, the fight, the attempted resurrection. It all hit him at once, a wave of horrible emotions. 

She looked away as she saw him realize what he had done, and saw him go through all of those terrible moments once again. She didn’t comfort people, and Azriel wasn’t one who wanted to be comforted, at least not unless it was…

“Is she- Did it- Is Adelaide…” he couldn’t finish the question, couldn’t bear to hear that it had failed, that his last hope of getting her back was gone.

Before Amren could answer, the door opened again. Perfect timing.

The High Lords of Day and Night walked in with urgency. 

Azriel had been so mad at Rhysand last time he had seen him, he tried to kill him for Gods’ sake, Rhys also hadn’t been too pleased at the attempted murder, but when the High Lord looked at his brother, bed bound and confused with tears pooling in his eyes, so utterly helpless, he couldn’t stop himself as he brought his Spymaster into a crushing hug and finally let out the sobs he had been fighting for so long. 

Azriel hadn’t felt this type of affection or even love from his brother for a while, he had been too busy hiding from Rhysand, stewing in his misery and hatred for his oldest friend, but as he sat there, disoriented, scared, hopeless, he couldn’t deny the fact he had to fight the urge to lean into the comfort the male was providing. He couldn’t deny the fact he felt more than just anger and hatred towards Rhysand. 

Still, he pulled back after a few seconds, Rhysand still sobbing as his knees buckled next to Azriel’s bed. 

“I’m sorry, Az. Gods know how sorry I am. I hadn’t realized- how much everything truly hurt until Cassian and Nesta found you had left bed” He had to take a moment as he hiccuped, an absolute mess on the ground, “I thought I-we thought we had finally lost you. I tried to tell myself these past few months that I could live with you hating me, I knew damn well I deserved it and that I hate myself too, that as long as you were still there, I could live like that.”

Rhysand looked into Azriel’s eyes, both brothers' faces covered in tears.

“But then we didn’t know if you were gone, didn’t know if you were still alive, and I realized I couldn’t do it, couldn’t live the rest of my life with the knowledge you hated me until the end.

I made the worst mistake of my life, something I will never forgive myself for. I was too cowardly to realize I couldn’t keep Adelaide and Feyre, and the minute I finally chose, I lost Adelaide forever.”

It was too much, Azriel couldn’t deal with all of this right now. Too many conflicting emotions, too many questions, too many-

“Alright, High Lord, that's enough.” Helion said. “Your Shadowsinger is in distress right now. You both can continue this conversation at a later time.” His voice was kind, understanding of both men’s situations, but his tone left no room for objection. 

“I-alright, I just need you to know how sorry I am, Az. How much I plan to do to right my wrongs, even if you both never forgive me.” Rhysand said as he got up, wiping his eyes. 

You both. He said you both. He didn’t just mean Azriel, he…

“It worked?” He asked with urgency, not replying to his brother's words. 

No one spoke up. “He said ‘you both’, did it work? Is Adelaide alive?” 

Anger bubbled in him as everyone remained quiet, unsure of how to proceed.

“Just tell me, damnit! Stop being cowards!” He yelled, tears continuing to spill. Maybe he misspoke, maybe Azriel got his hopes up just to be crushed once again. It wouldn’t have been the first time The Mother had played a cruel joke on him. 

Helion took a step forward, his calm demeanor gone, replaced by fear, reluctance, misery, and longstanding grief. “Yes, Azriel. She is alive…” The High Lord was still speaking to him, but Azriel couldn’t hear anything over the ringing in his ears, over the spots that blocked his vision as he started breathing heavily, his body unable to process the information. 

She is alive, we saw her, she is alive, she is here his shadows sang. 

He needed to get up to see her. But that task proved impossible as Azriel tried to swing his legs over the bed. They didn’t move. As he tried again, jerking the upper half of his body so hard he would have fallen off the bed had Helion not grabbed his shoulders to steady him. 

“Azriel, stop, you'll hurt yourself.” The High Lord of Day said. 

The Illyrian once again looked at the faces in the room, waiting for an explanation. 

Once again, everyone but Helion proved to be a coward. “We don’t know the long term impacts of the spell, you and Adelaide…” Helion’s voice cracked while saying her name. It only hit Azriel then that of course he would be just as impacted by this, Helion had raised her from a babe. But Azriel hadn’t seen him since the funeral, his face controlled into a tight mask that made reading emotions impossible, even for the Spymaster. “You both were brought here to be looked after while our scholars work on learning more. But what we have gathered hasn’t been… reassuring.”

“I knew coming into this I’d have to make a sacrifice, I still stand by that choice.” Azriel confirmed, he just needed people to be upfront with him. 

“You have… tied yourselves together. In bringing her back, you connected your individual beings. We don’t know how this will ultimately impact you both, not till we have both of you here with us. But it is good that you have woken up, for it must mean Adelaide is not far behind.” 

He would get to see her again, get to talk to her, get to…

Thinking of Adelaide now, he tried to ignore the new feelings bubbling inside him, things he hadn’t felt before. 

She was alive and she was here.

For the first time in 6 months, Azriel smiled so hard his cheeks hurt.

[wosoamazing]

Home

Summary: Part 3 of the McFoord Baby Series.

A/N: here is part 3, sorry it took so long, I don’t know if I necessarily like it but it has been sitting in my drafts done and I haven’t had any ideas to change it so yeah…..

After what felt like years, the car pulled into the driveway of your home, Caitlin looked over to Katie, whose body was tense as she took long deep breaths, trying to reduce the pain she felt in her lower abdomen, Caitlin quickly got out of the car and went around to Katie’s door, opening it before carefully unbuckling her seatbelt. As Katie moved her legs out of the car, a few tears left her eyes, tears that had been threatening to fall since they drove out of the hospital car park, her body fell sideways against the back of the seat, trying to cope with the overwhelming pain. Caitlin put her hand on Katie’s thigh, smiling at her softly.

“How about I get Y/N inside and you stay there, then I can help you inside. Does that sound good?” Katie slightly nodded as she bit her bottom lip, before Caitlin moved to open one of the back doors, carefully taking your capsule out of the car, trying not to jostle you too much in hopes of you staying settled, she swiftly moved inside, unbuckling you from your baby capsule and gently placing you in your bassinet in the living room, before turning on the baby monitor and checking it was paired with her phone. She gave you a kiss on your forehead before quickly rushing back out the door to go get Katie.

“I’m so glad to be home,” Katie said as Caitlin sat down next to her, you were still peacefully asleep in your bassinet.

“I’m glad we’re home too, it's been almost two weeks since I’ve had you home. Is there anything you want or need?”

A tear fell down Katie’s cheek, Caitlin’s face contorted in confusion but also with worry.

“Hey, what's wrong, does it hurt? Does-” the Australian began only to be interrupted

“No, no, you’ve, you’ve just been so good to me, and I, this isn't how I wanted to welcome our baby girl into the world and-” she let out a deep breath “I am just so happy I have you, and now we have a little family,” Katie leant forward and placed a kiss on Caitlin’s lips.

“I love you,” “I love you too,” and with that the pair drifted off to sleep, their first time sleeping as a family at home.

____

They were sitting on the couch together with you curled up on Katie’s chest, who was sleeping, Caitlin’s phone vibrated, Steph had sent a message.

“Hey Babe,” Katie’s eyes slowly opened, “mm”, “I was thinking of inviting Steph in when she brings dinner over tonight. Is that okay with you? She said she had checked and she doesn't have a temperature and not even the slightest sniffle. I think she really wants to see her, but also check that we are doing okay.”

“Sure, it would be nice to see some of the girls again soon. Could we maybe see if Beth and Viv are free to come for a visit tomorrow?”

“Yeah Sure. Around what time?”

“Maybe we organise brunch? So like ni-” The Irish woman was cut off by the door bell, both women looked at each other confused, before the Australian got up ever so hesitant to open the door. She opened the door to a gift hamper, quite a large one in fact, it was from all the Matilda’s, Mini had organised it, next to it was a small gift box.

Caitlin opened the small gift box to find a bunny, its ear embroidered with your name, a small handwritten note from Harper accompanied it, with Mini’s writing at the bottom translating it.

Caitlin held up the bunny to show Katie “It’s from Harper, well Katrina and Clara, but Harper chose it, it's cute don't you think?” Katie nodded with a large warm smile on her face, “and this is from the Matilda’s, but Mini organised it, and this here” she says as she looks at the letter “looks like Kyra added that she chose the blankets.” Katie snorted, before her face contorted in pain, “Shouldn't have done that?”

“Please don't make me laugh again,” “Sorry, but this is so cute, there are baby essentials like a thermometer and stuff, some bottles, and some blankets and clothes, and even some toys, and-”

“I love you,” Katie cut her off, “I love you too babe,” Caitlin leant down to give her a kiss, and just at that moment you began to stir, “I’ll go get her bottle she is due a feed”

____

The doorbell rang just as Caitlin was helping Katie back to the couch. “Sorry I'm just helping Katie,” she rushed out as she opened the door.

“Hey, it's all good, don’t worry.” She followed her inside, and into the kitchen, “I’m just going to check Katie is all good.” “No worries, I’ll dish it all up,” Steph said with a warm smile.

Steph walked out with the plates and handed one each to Katie and Caitlin, they all ate their dinner while chatting.

“Would you like to meet our little one?” Steph nodded eagerly, so Caitlin got up to get you from your nursery. Caitlin placed you on Steph’s chest and you looked up to her, however she did only look like a fuzzy blob. 

“She is so cute you guys, congratulations, I’m glad everything was okay in the end,”

–

“Hey, they’re not going to help you little one,” Steph said to you, as you were looking for milk.

“I think it's feeding time,” Caitlin chuckled.

“Oh,” Steph started to get up to give you to Katie, “You can feed her, if you want, we decided on pumping and bottles as that way it’s easier on Katie but also means there is no transition for when she ever has to be separated from Katie.”

“If that's okay with you,” “Go ahead, Cait can you get the other pumps while you’re at it?” Caitlin left the room, she came back and handed Steph your bottle before she headed up stairs to grab the pumps, Katie specifically asked her for those so she could ask Steph something without Caitlin hearing. 

“Could you possibly stay over tonight? I think she needs it.”

“Yeah sure, how are you feeling about tonight? You know I’m here for both of you right, not just her, you can talk to me about anything don’t forget that.”

“Thanks Steph,”

____

You were held in Beth’s arms, as she sat on the couch, talking to your Mum’s, Viv and Steph.

“How do you feel about the recovery and not being able to play? I mean it's going to be longer than nine months in the end isn't it” Viv asked Katie.

“Honestly, not being able to start returning to playing is okay, I mean it does mean it will be longer than originally planned to start playing but I guess in a way now we can spend time just as a family together, adjusting and stuff. I mean it’s going to be hard especially because I can't do anything for ages but I am looking forward to spending time with Cait and Y/N,” Your Mom said and she smiled up at your Mum who sat behind her.

[applejuicefruit]

can i request a dusan fic where he got so much attention from other women at a party, and the reader being insecuree, maybe a smut pleasee

tw : reader is self conscious and insecure, mention of smut

dusan vlahovic x reader

Am I enough?

You were currently sitting on a black leather couch, in a little corner of the huge ballroom you found yourself in, completely forgotten by your boyfriend and your friends. You never really liked parties but your boyfriend Dusan begged you to come with him to celebrate his team latest win and, of course, when you saw him so happy you couldn’t say no. What you didn’t expect was to see him talking with different women instead of spending time with you. He had models and influencers all over him and you couldn’t help just start feeling insecure. Not only you were mad at him for completely ignoring you the whole night but you started feeling jealous of those girls, who clearly caught his attention and you started to wonder how or why he was dating you when he could have had millions of models all over his feet.

You got tired to see him with those girls that you left the room and went straight into the bathroom. You didn’t want to cry in a room full of strangers so what better place than a dirty bathroom in some club?

You didn’t know what time it was but you heard Dusan calling your name in a distance.

“Y/n? Babe? You’re in there?” he asked, knocking on the wooden door.

“Yes, uh, one second” you said, your voice shaking a bit. You wiped your tears away and fixed your make up before meeting Dusan outside of the bathroom.

“Hey…I was looking for you, is everything okay?” he asked, his face full of concern when he saw your make up half smudged under your eyes.

“Yes…I just needed some time alone” you said, ignoring his look.

“You sure?” he asked again.

“Yes, I told you I’m fine” you lied “I’m just tired…” you lied again.

“Okay…then let’s go home” he smiled.

“You can stay and have fun…I saw how you were having fun…I can call a taxi, I don’t mind” you scoffed. You were sad. You were hurt. You were mad.

“Babe…can you tell me what’s going on?” he asked again.

“Nothing…”

“Don’t say nothing. Something is bothering you and I want to help you…” he said truthfully.

“Why me?” you asked him and he looked confused “why me? Why did you chose me? You can have all the prettiest girls in the world and you chose me? I saw how they were all on you Dusan…I saw how they wanted you…and I also saw how you didn’t do nothing to excuse yourself from that situation…almost like you loved receiving all of the attention and I can’t help but wonder why did you chose me?” you asked, completely breaking down.

“What…what are you talking about?” he asked, a little confused “you know why I chose you, you know how much I love you…” he said, his hands lifting your chin up and his fingers wiping your tears away.

“Then why did you let them? They were all over you…I know I look nothing like them…” you said.

“You’re more than perfect baby…I just didn’t want to be rude…you’re perfect baby, I love you so much you have no idea” he said, kissing your wet cheeks “I’m so sorry If I made you doubt yourself…I never meant to hurt you baby” he said.

“It’s just…all of my negative thoughts…”you tried to explain but he stopped you.

“Let me wash away all of those those you have in your mind okay baby?” he said, his hands grabbing your waist and holding you close to him.

“Dusan…” you called his name.

“Let me take you home okay? Let me take care of you” he whispered in your ear, sending goosebumps all over your skin.

“Okay…” you whispered and he smiled.

Once you got home, his kisses turned into a full make out session and before you knew it you were laying completely naked under his muscular body.

You remembered all of those models and you started to feeling insecure about your body, thinking bad things and feeling self conscious once again.

“Hey pretty girl” he called you when he sensed your insecurity “let me make you feel good okay?” he whispered, leaving some kisses on your neck “I want you to know how special you are to me” he said looking straight into your eyes.

“Okay” you nodded.

“I love you” he said and you smiled.

“I love you too” you said back, letting fall yourself into the pleasure he was going to give you, knowing it would have been a very long night.

[bellarkeselection]

Hi!! Could it possible if you did something for how Jace and Luke would react with a female!reader on her period? Maybe she has bad cramps, and she gets bloated and insecure? Maybe how they deal with her mood swings and if she leaks? It's completely fine it not <3

My Beautiful Dragon Queen

When Jace entered his chambers he was caught off guard to see his wife laying in bed. She was gripping her stomach moaning in pain causing him to rush to her bedside immediately concerned. “My lady wife, what is hurting you so much?” He asked when I threw my head back against the pillow bearing my teeth down against each other. This morning I had started my monthly bleed and the cramps were a lot worse than I remembered from the last time. I couldn’t really get up from the bed without being completely exhausted when I returned. "Jace it's nothing - urgh just my monthly bleed is all..." I attempted to lie to the future Lord and heir to the Iron Throne hoping that he wouldn't be able to see my nerves.

"Is there anything I can do, Y/n. Like get you some milk of the popy or send for a Maester?" He questioned me watching me grumble tossing the covers aside. Pushing myself up from the bed as best as I could trying to walk over to the mirror that was beside the window in our chambers. Eyeing myself in front of the glass mirror I moved my hands over my stomach feeling like it was bloaded like I was pregnant but that wasn't the case. Looking around at the other women at court they didn't look like this when they were bleeding, they looked almost like they were glowing and some were always happy thinking that they were pregnant with babies. "I can't deal with that old woman nagging me anymore today. She keeps telling me I should just lay in the bed and rest. But - oh my mother told me that if you were in pain it was best to be moving around. Plus I can't be viewed as the weak and fat girl I am...there are already enough whispers here that you don't want to sleep with me because I am not pretty enough!" I grunted bending over the bed a little releasing some tears.

Jacaerys rose from the bed coming to stand behind me gently wrapping his arms around my waist from behind looking down at me since he was slightly taller than me. "Y/n, please tell me you aren't insecure about this. Because you are beautiful in ever way and will always be the woman that I deeply care for...do you need me to show you?" He asked when I turned in his arms where he tilted my chin up so I was looking up into his soft eyes. Sniffing through tears he wiped them away where I clutched the fabric of his tunics before he lifted me up in his arms. "I'm sorry I just am insecure that I am not good enough to be Queen when I get beaten by some pain...I just want to please you Jace." He lays me back down underneath the blankets crawling in beside me knowing that I enjoyed the heat his body provided when he wrapped his arms around my waist kissing the crown of my head. "You do please me, love. We don’t have to sleep with enough just because everyone at court makes whispers. I choose not to listen to them." Snuggled into his embrace I smiled knowing that he was always good about taking away my insecurities.

Comments really appreciated ❤️

[0ladyred0]

AVATARTWOW -Fan fiction-

⫷The new way⫸

Na'vi Quaritch x Chubby Na'vif!reader

Arthur: Hello! And welcome to the first chubby Na'vi reader series!! I'm hoping that you guys like this because I will try really hard to make it work. This series takes place after what happened with the second movie but in this one Neteyam is alive:] This has been inspired by many of the stories I've read.I really hope everyone enjoys this series because I'm putting my life to it! Get comfortable and I hope you enjoy! Note: Na'vi language will be written in italic.

Chapter 1: The abduction

Your weren't like the others. You want no children of your own, you wanted to be free and explore your beautiful planet. You weren't even the typical appearance. You had a much more bigger body and was mostly taller than the other women. You we're quite young, but you knew what you wanted for life. Your mother loved you once, but when she heard you wanted to 'waste' you life without children she was never the same. She tried to keep you fit but nothing worked and failed. Your father? He died in the war when you were just a child back then. Your mother was a very good friend to Mo'at and when you heard that Spider was taken by the 'aliens' you heart dropped. You loved Spider, he was very good to you. How did you knew spider?

3 year's ago when you were just 16 year's old your mother was coming out of her home with vegetarian food for you to eat.

"You need to be strong!... And quite beautiful if you ever want to have children" she said giggling as she put the food in your hand. You smiles at her but you wanted to tell her how you really felt.

"Mother listen..." you said with a serious tone and put your plate down. Your mother turned around concerned. You put her hand in yours and look her in the eyes, terrified of how she might react.

"I wish to not have children, I wish to explore the nature's of Eywa and wish to not change myself for no man" you felt a releaf hit you and were quite happy you told her. Your mother on the other hand, she was shocked at what you said. She showed your hands away from her and stood up still looking at you almost disgust. After you looked at her you knew there was no turning back.

"How could you do this to me?!"

"Mother it's nothing like that-"

You tried to reach for her shoulders but you were shocked when she pushed you down on the grass. You looked at her scared, she never acted like this.

"What are you gonna do? Waste your life and see all your close ones have kids?? People around the village will judge me because of your choices!! "

"But mother-you don't understand... I don't not want to raise any children no matter the reason-"

"That's enough!"

She acted fast and slapped you across the face. You didn't move as you felt her hand imprint on your left check. You reached for it to feel it and look at her with tears in your eyes. She still had a terrifying face. You backed up leading yourself in the forest, her only moving her head while her body stood still and said with a forced voice.

"You brought shame to your ancestors-you do not deserve happiness!!"

Those were the last words she has said to you as you decided to start running in the forest not knowing where you were going. Later that day you were sitting down with your head on your knees close to a giant tree root. You we're crying. 'How could she think of me like that... Am I truly selfish?... 'You wondered as tears left your eyes. You sniffed from your nose. Your ears flickered as they heard a branch snap. You quickly put your head up, your position was still. You heard small footsteps approach form the left side, you turn your head quickly with wide eyes. It was a boy but not any regular boy... It was the alien boy who always seemed close with the leaders children.

"Oh.. *sniff*hello..."you looked away. You didn't know what to do in that situation. The boy on the other hand seemed to be worried about what's going on with the Na'vi who was older than him.

"What's wrong... Did something happenen?" he said to you as he got closer to you, crouching to look up at your face which was currently hiding from him. You only responded with a shaken voice trying not to cry once more. You felt a little hand on you your elbow, you looked up at him realizing what he was trying to do. He was trying to comfort you by giving you a small hug.

"Everything's going to be all right... That's what they always say to me"he looked at you with a smile. You couldn't help but slowly starting to smile and maybe giggle a little bit as you saw him how he tries his best to ease your pain. You sat on your legs facing him, you slowly stated to pat his head.

" what do you go by?"

"Oh well... I'm spider! It's nice to meet you [y/n]"you blinked twice. How did he knew your name?

"How do you know my name?"

"Oh well... I've heard about you from Mo'at,she says that you are quite different"you frowned a little. You knew that your mother was talking about your weight any chance she gets. But you shake your head and smiled.

"Why yes I am crazy!..." you started to act like a crazy demon, he giggled an started to run while you were chasing him around. You did this to distract yourself from your own pain that you've caused.

Days have passed.The more you hung out with him, the more you actually felt happy. After weeks have passed when you told your mother about what you wanted in life, she started to act horrible towards you. She has already told most of them village what you wanted and everyone either ignored you or bullied you. Your mother aslo stopped feeding you at all, having to hunt for yourself... And also Spider. He has introduced you to the leaders kids. They accepted you and always wanted to play with you since you we're the oldest of them. After that, He has introduced you to who he looked up to Jake Sully. Jake Sully has heard about you from his people and felt bad and treated you like almost family. Neytiri was confused because you didn't want any children but otherwise she thought you were a very good hunter. Since Spider introduced and helped you threw your bad time, you wanted to care for him. You hunted, healed, and played with him for the next 3 year's. But also in those three year's when you were alone, you have connected very well with the forest and always seemed to fell asleep leading to very strange dreams. But when the leader and his children came back from a rainy night, you saw that Spider was no where near them.

"Where is Spider?" you goed up to the leaders kids, they looked at each other and knew how you would react.

"The sky people... They took spider"Lo'ak said hugging Kiri who was letting out cries. You felt your legs shake, you felt your eyes started to have tears running down, you felt your heart achene.

"I'm sorry [y/n] we know how close you are with him" Neteyam said as he hugged you. You accepted the hug, you needed to be comforted as well.

Couple of days have passed and you have heard that the great Toruk Makto leave and replace his place with another. You we're finally broke. Not only the person who has helped you along your life was captured, your only loved ones had to leave to save the tribe. When they left the tribe, everyone now has now despised you because of your path. The new leader who was supposed to be your husband had a little decency let you live your life how you wanted without kicking you out of the tribe. In those months when they were gone you have completely disconnected with the tribe and only visited once in a while then you have returned back to the forest. You were yet again alone...

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You woke up one day hearing Ikrans coming closer to you. You Imidietly thought it was some of the boys coming to harass you but... You heard familiar voices.

"WOOHOO we're finally home!!" it was Lo'ak! You looked up to see all of them pass you. You Imidietly ran to your tribe, hoping to have some good news about Spider. When you finally arrived you could see all the people cheering and greeting the last Toruk Makto. You let the people greet them first, you couldn't see Spider anywhere because of the people. But you patiently waited and hoped that he was there. After all of them greeted the Toruk Makto they all ran to make a celebration. You pushed threw the crown and finally saw the Sully family and they saw you and we're very happy... Then you saw Spider...

"[Y/n]!"

"Spider!!"

He ran towards you and you opened your arms and both of you hugged tightly. Only a few tears have left your face.

"I thought I'd never see you again..."

"Me too. I missed you!!"

You both broke the hug and slightly hit him on the head, how only response was a 'ow!'

"You Skxawng! You have given me a heart ache! I prayed to Eywa for your brainless head!"

You said putting your hands on your hips as he scratched the back of his neck. The leaders kids laughed as they approached you.

"Aww look at Spiders mom so worried!"

Lo'ak laughed as same as Kiri. Neteyam approached you with respect.

"Good to know some things haven't changed [y/n]"

"Good to see you too Neteyam that is a horrible wound I have noticed"

You point at his right side of his chest. He laughed knowing that you were still the same. Jake Sully has approached you and you Imidietly did the hand gesture.

"Hey kid good to see you, how has everyone been treating you?"

Jake said as he patted your shoulder, you didn't want him to know how everyone treated you. Your ears tilted and your tail has lowered itself, he saw that and Imidietly knew the answer.Right before you could answer Mo'at came to finally greet her daughter and the rest of her bloodline while you and Spider stood and watched.

"I am glad you are safe... And please tell me all the stuff that has happened!"

You turned to spider kneeling down. He knew that you can be trusted and laughed quietly.

"I will... Now if you'll excuse me now I have to greet the other 'alien's"

You laughed as you knew what he meant. You hugged him one last time and let him go.

"I know all of you are exhausted and hungry. Follow the people they will show you the way"

The great mother of Neytiri said and all of the raced with the others. You knew that everyone hated you so you slowly started to walk away not wanting to join them until.

"[Y/n]..."

You froze. Mo'at has called your name and you must now listen to her. You turned around with slight fear. Your looked at her to only see a calm expression on her face.

"Come my child. Join us"

She reached out a hand. You hesitated and looked at her and looked back at her hand. You take it as you trusted her. Why? Every once in a while she would visit you in the forest and see you have fallen asleep and she would put her hand over you body sensing something that is going to happen.

You thanked Eywa as everyone wasn't paying much attention to you at the celebration. In fact, some younger children smiled at you and you smiled back. Your own mother noticed that as well...

"So how is everyone been treating you?"

Spider finally came which you we're glad. You have saved him as seat. Jake Sully also curious of how people have treated you he listened closely. Because of that question you felt really sadden not wanting him to worry. But you wanted to tell him and so you did but quietly.

"If I'm honest Spider... They have been very cold towards me... I have been living in the forest hunting by my own. I don't even have an ikran..."

Spider sat silent. He was expecting it because he knew the people were heavily in love with having children. You looked at Spider and saw how sad he has gotten. You pushed him a little making him turn to you.

"But now that you are here I feel joy and thanked Eywa for watching over you"

He smiled at your words and the both of you kept talking and laughing. Jake has heard every word and he was not happy. Since the day he has met you he almost treated you like his own. And he knew how you felt because of his experience on earth, but he was glad you felt joy spending time with his kids.

After the celebration you have felt full of all the eating. As you and Spider we're walking you felt someone's hand on your shoulder. You turned around to surprisingly see you mother not looking at you angry but quite happy?...

"Mother?-"

"Oh Eywa I thank you for anwcering my prayers!"

She hugged you tightly as she thanked Eywa for something she has prayed. Spider looked at you confused but you signal him to walk away as you sensed something will happen.

"I was worried that you'll never change your heart... But Eywa has seen me!!"

You looked around and saw Jake's family and a few other people of the tribe looking at you which made you really uncomfortable.

"What... Do you mean mother..."

"I have seen you looking at children and I saw in you that you finally wanted ones of your own!! I am so happy!!"

She held on to your shoulders. They were more people surrounding you now. You once again had to explain your way to your mother, but this time you will take it more proper.

"Mother listen to me... I still do not want children, and I will never have any because it is not my path... I wish to explore my beautiful planet and be happy"

After those words you backed up and waited for her degrading words. She had yet again has a shooked face and starting to look at you as the last time you have spoken to her.

"You will ruin your life! I can not believe what daughter I have brought to this world... And quite the fat one!"

The people have started to yell at [y/n] for wasting her life while Jake and his family tried to calm them down.

"Dad why are they like this?!" Neteyam said to his father as he tried to think of anything to make the crowd pay attention to him. But they were too focused on you.

"I have never been so disappointed in my life... Your have truly failed as a woman and a daughter..."

Those were the last words she has said as you walked away from her. Knowing that you will never be accepted by them, you wanted to run away to a new side of you planet. You yet again started to walk in the forest devastated by your own tribe not even wanting you.

The sully's family was so busy trying to calm the people. Spider was looking around as he was being pushed around. He finally saw you walking away and started to follow you yet again deep in the forest.

While everything has been happening towards your perspective. A general Miles Quaritch and his team have been yet again transport on a plain towards your local area. He has yet again to capture a Na'vi and to need to learn more about their ways. It has been week's that he spend with his son of learning but still needed to learning their ways.

"Miles do you think we have the exact location of the Na'vi?" Lutenant Lyle yells so that Miles could hear him.

"Don't worry about that, I'm sure we'll get some locals" all of them laughed. Quaritch was recently rethinking of things, but none the less he had a mission to complete

ೋ❀❀ೋ═══ ❀ ═══ೋ❀❀ೋ

Walking in the forest once again. You knew that this time you have to leave. Your signed. You had a place in mind which was another tribe but... Would they accept you? As you we're wondering and walking. A group of avatars are watching you from afar. It was Quaritch and his team following you at a closer range.

"Miles she looks different from the others are you sure this one will do?" Lyle whisper towards Quaritch. He turned looked at Lyle and back at you. He saw how your looker different. He noticed your bigger body and a sad expression which lead him to think that you were an easy target.

"We will charge on my command got it?" They nooded. Miles was getting ready until he heard a familiar voice speak.

"[Y/n]! Wait!..."

He stooped the team from going any further. It was his son spider. He watched as the both of you interacted. You turned around looking at him and softly smiling.

"Spider."

"Where are you going? Why are you leaving??..."

You walked up to him and squat to be his height. You finally got to see the one person to accept you. But you now had to leave him.

"Oh my sweet Spider... You saw everybody-they all hate me" you pat him slowly as Quaritch wathed. He was wondering who you we're and how you knew Spider. Why we're you so close to him? Or why are you so caring towards him?...Everyone on his team was wondering his weird hold but stayed quiet.

"But don't worry! Jake will talk to them theyll-"

"Spider you saw how they acted they do not want me back..." you stood up.

"I do not want children of my own and they cannot see that" Spider frowed at your word's.He knew that he can't stop you. As you started to walk again he got an idea.

"[Y/n] wait! Please Jake will talk to them you don't have to move!" Spider grabbed your hand pulling you down. You knealed once again almost crying. You didn't wanna leave him. You knew Neytiri does not like him. Right before you could answer, you heard something snap. Your ears perked up as you raise your head high. You sniffed the air, strange... Something smelled knew... Or someone. You stood up holding Spider at his shoulders as your eyes scanned the background.

"[Y/n]...what is it?..." you hushed him as you tried to concentrate. You lived far more in the forest and you did not recognize that smell.

"Someone is here... Bad people- quick Run!" you said with worry in your voice. Spider knew to trust you and he started to run towards the tribe while you ran behind him. Not only a minute has passed and you heard close footsteps behind you.

"No matter what you run!!" you gave a push to Spider as he ran as fast as he can while you stopped and turned around. Two sky people were at your trace. A woman with tattoos and a bald man smiling at you as they put away they're guns and got out cuffs.

"Come on now- don't make this hard for yourself" the woman said pulling out a knife. You only glared at the both of them as they circled around you. Not knowing what you're capable of doing.

Spider on the other hand was running as fast as he can. He now regrets leaving you by yourself. As he wanted to stop he was tackled by another avatar. He knew they were stronger but fought back until they putted handcuffs on him. They make him stood up as he watched someone merge in front of him.

"Come on now... Don't you miss your father?" Quaritch said as the three other avatars laughed. Spider hissed at him. Quaritch got closer to Spider and kneeled down towards his level.

"Who was that other woman?..."

"Why? You got a little crush or something?..." Spider said as he felt his hands being bruised by the cuffs. Quaritch smirked at his response and got up and slowly walked to the trees.

"Ah it doesn't matter, she looks pretty weak to me"

"Heh don't underestimate her, she'll kill all of you in a second-..." Spider said distracting them as he knew you were here. You on the other hand was high on a tree, without a scratch or a bruise on your body. You watched closely as you examine Quaritch. You saw that he was taller and bigger from the rest of the males you have seen. He had a strange tattoo on his arm too. You know he was Spider's father and your hatred towards him was strong. You got closer as he talked to Spider without making any noise.

"How about I just order my mates to kill her?" He reached to his communicator, Spider getting now scared and shouting no until. You jumped and yelled as you hit Quaritch on the face. He fell down and you sprinted towards the other three. Two were reaching for they're guns but you nocked one down and hit the other to his stomach. The last one let go of Spider to take you on but was too late and got himself on the ground with a head ache. You ran towards spider and turned around to face all four of them rising up.

[Y/n] pulled out a rather big knife and hissed with spite in it. Quaritch growled and looked up and finally saw you. He saw how you protected Spider who was behind you without any weapons and to be honest... He was surprised of how you treated him. The avatars came up and started to circle around the two.

"Well well well aren't your quite interesting to look at porky" Quaritch chuckled when he slowly started to back away and get his gun that was on the floor. Your attention was now on Quaritch, you cannot believe he took Spider away from you for months making your almost grieve for him. As he got you distracted the two men tackled you on the ground making you growl and hiss at them.

"[Y/n]!!-" Spider reached out but he also was caught by one of the sky people. Quaritch came closer to you as the both avatars cuffed you and made you sit on your knees. Quaritch stopped and looked at you struggling and a little smile creept on his lips.

"You must be [y/n] then..." you didn't dare to look at him, but he didn't like that. His left hand reached out to your face, grabbed it by the jaw and pulled it up so he could see your pretty eyes glaring at him.

"Spider never mentioned you while he was captured... How strange... He must really love ya..." You stayed silent. You couldn't believe he got his hands on you.

"Now where are the rest of my crew-"

"Right here M-miles" Quaritch turned around and was shocked at what he saw. Lyles face was full of blood and cuts while the other could barely walk on her two feet.

"Lyle? The hell happened to you?"

"It... Was her Colonel..." Quaritch turned to you as you turned your focus on him again. He rotated your head to the left and then to the right seeing zero injures.

"You got your ass whooped by her?..." he looked at Lyle. Lyle didn't say anything but noded. Quaritch looked at you and started to laugh and let your jaw go. You we're glad because his hold was really rough and it did made your face sore.

"All right enough let's go" Quaritch said and his team started to forcefully made you walk.

"N-no!you can't take me back to the lab... You can't!!"

"Calm Spider... Calm...Everything will be all right... Okay?... " you said as that calmed him down a little bit. Quaritch heard and saw that and was now really wondering who was this woman to Spider??... Then Quaritch heard it... Those same loud and quick yells from afar. He saw yours ears twitch and look around. He knew it... He knew that, that was Jake's wife. He ordered his men to run to the plain. It was starting to get dark and rain. Spider started to panic, he couldn't believe this was happening again and thought he was gonna be in that lab again making him breath hardly.

Meanwhile Jake and Neytiri we're close to you. They saw the tracks and saw other ones that were two big for a humans shoes. They looked at each other and Imidietly started to run with the tracks before they could disappear from the rain.

"Oh god-they got Spider and [y/n]..."Jake mutter to himself as he realized the tracks were now gone but the both of them heard the plain and sprinted towards it. They both saw you on another avatars back hissing at them. [Y/n] looked down and saw both Jake and Neytiri and felt disappointed at herself. You couldn't believe that you were captured and let Spider being captured again... This is all your fault and they're was no walking away from this...

Arthur: thats the end of chapter 1! This shit took me longer than I expected I'm so sorry😭 I hope you like it and I'll try to be more active just getting a little depressed all of a sudden.please comment on what you think and I'll see you next time!!

[ninadove]

Nina reads Dracula 🦇

May 24th

And we’re back, thank goodness!!! I’ve been so worried about my good friend Jonathan! I can’t wait to hear how he outsmarted the Count and made it out safely and —

Letter, Lucy Westenra to Mina Murray.

GODDAMMIT

But hey, it’s the girls! I love the girls! Let’s see if they’ve been building any castles in the air recently.

My dear, it never rains but it pours. How true the old proverbs are. Here am I, who shall be twenty in September, and yet I never had a proposal till to-day, not a real proposal, and to-day I have had three. Just fancy! THREE proposals in one day! Isn't it awful!

This is my idea of a nightmare actually. But!!! More points for the poly theory!!!

I feel sorry, really and truly sorry, for two of the poor fellows.

Nevermind, they didn’t pass the vibe check. (Or did they?)

You and I, Mina dear, who are engaged and are going to settle down soon soberly into old married women, can despise vanity.

Cottagecore sapphics anyone? 💖

I told you of him, Dr. John Seward, the lunatic-asylum man, with the strong jaw and the good forehead. He was very cool outwardly, but was nervous all the same. He had evidently been schooling himself as to all sorts of little things, and remembered them; but he almost managed to sit down on his silk hat, which men don't generally do when they are cool, and then when he wanted to appear at ease he kept playing with a lancet in a way that made me nearly scream.

Wasn’t he supposed to be the cool unaffected one? Maybe Lucy just has this effect on people.

He was going to tell me how unhappy he would be if I did not care for him, but when he saw me cry he said that he was a brute and would not add to my present trouble. […] And then, Mina, I felt a sort of duty to tell him that there was some one. I only told him that much, and then he stood up, and he looked very strong and very grave as he took both my hands in his and said he hoped I would be happy, and that if I ever wanted a friend I must count him one of my best.

GOOD!!!!! I LIKE HIM!!!!!

Well, my dear, number Two came after lunch. He is such a nice fellow, an American from Texas —

[Miraculous flashabacks] DON’T —

I know now what I would do if I were a man and wanted to make a girl love me.

Normal Things To Tell Your Bestie, 99th edition

Mr. Quincey P. Morris found me alone. It seems that a man always does find a girl alone. No, he doesn't, for Arthur tried twice to make a chance, and I helping him all I could; I am not ashamed to say it now.

😏

I must tell you beforehand that Mr. Morris doesn't always speak slang—that is to say, he never does so to strangers or before them, for he is really well educated and has exquisite manners—but he found out that it amused me to hear him talk American slang, and whenever I was present, and there was no one to be shocked, he said such funny things. […]

'Miss Lucy, I know I ain't good enough to regulate the fixin's of your little shoes, but I guess if you wait till you find a man that is you will go join them seven young women with the lamps when you quit. Won't you just hitch up alongside of me and let us go down the long road together, driving in double harness?'

OK BUT THIS IS LITERALLY SO SWEET he personalised it and even made fun of himself to diffuse the tension 🥺

And then, my dear, before I could say a word he began pouring out a perfect torrent of love-making, laying his very heart and soul at my feet. He looked so earnest over it that I shall never again think that a man must be playful always, and never earnest, because he is merry at times.

AND THEN MADE HIMSELF VULNERABLE!!!!! What a man!!!

I burst into tears—I am afraid, my dear, you will think this a very sloppy letter in more ways than one—

LUCY

Why can't they let a girl marry three men, or as many as want her, and save all this trouble?

Wait. THE POLYCULE IS CANON??? THE POLYCULE IS CANON?????

'If that other fellow doesn't know his happiness, well, he'd better look for it soon, or he'll have to deal with me. Little girl, your honesty and pluck have made me a friend, and that's rarer than a lover; it's more unselfish anyhow. My dear, I'm going to have a pretty lonely walk between this and Kingdom Come. Won't you give me one kiss? It'll be something to keep off the darkness now and then. You can, you know, if you like, for that other good fellow—he must be a good fellow, my dear, and a fine fellow, or you could not love him—hasn't spoken yet.' That quite won me, Mina, for it was brave and sweet of him, and noble, too, to a rival—wasn't it?—and he so sad; so I leant over and kissed him.

Honestly? Mood. I am utterly charmed by this cowboy.

Now number 3 has to be something.

P.S.—Oh, about number Three—I needn't tell you of number Three, need I? Besides, it was all so confused; it seemed only a moment from his coming into the room till both his arms were round me, and he was kissing me. I am very, very happy, and I don't know what I have done to deserve it. I must only try in the future to show that I am not ungrateful to God for all His goodness to me in sending to me such a lover, such a husband, and such a friend.

THAT’S IT????? A POST-SCRIPTUM????? GIRL THIS IS YOUR FIANCÉ

OK OK I am willing to accept that the strength of your feelings can’t be transcribed into words. But still.

In conclusion: these are Lucy’s three boyfriends, and yes, they eat garlic bread. 🧄🥖

(Also the contrast with Dracula’s roommates did not go unnoticed)

< Prev 🦇 Next >

[thevampiricnihal]

I cracked and read up to around chapter 15 of Ask-i memnu and I know this is not your main interest, but something that struck me is how modern Bihter and Peyker's relationship is, in the way that it feels like a cliché dynamic now but obviously it wasn't when it was written bc the actual cliché came after. It reminds me of the sisters in Smile or Martha Marcy May Marlene where there's the older sister who suffered more from the family "taint" and dysfunction (Peyker witnesses her dad's collapse, she thinks about being exposed to flirtations/harassment? On the promenades since she was a child etc) but who was also more easily able to leave it behind and now has a "perfect" life and didn't take the little sister with her, and now the little sister is more mired into the dysfunction and damaged and resents that. It kind of moved me to tears when she's like "of course Peyker loves her husband and there's an itty bitty Feridun between them" :( the psychological element of this book is just groundbreaking, obviously Nihal too was exactly as deliciously fucked up as you sold her!

Ah, this makes me so happy!

While my main Aşk-ı Memnu interest is (and probably will always be) Nihal, I am much more interested in and appreciative of Bihter nowadays than I used to be. Bihter is the emotional heart of this book, she is what gives it its pathos. And yes, the author really managed to flesh out a very dysfunctional dynamic between a family of women without spending too many words on it. I will look up the works you mentioned.

Peyker as a character intrigues me. I am glad that you noticed that she was the one who found her collapsing father! A critic pointed that out as the possible reason why Peyker is so adamant on not being like a typical woman of her family, but unfortunately that critic’s name escapes me now.

Little Feridun is also more relevant to me than he perhaps is in the book. He also is the element of the book that comes closest to making me cry in the last chapter, not through anything too significant, but just through calling Bihter “aunt” in a critical moment. I also find it significant that Peyker gives birth to a son (for he is a boy, though the Eva Deverell translation sometimes mixes up his pronouns) when we were informed in the first chapter that Melih Bey Set usually had daughters - it points to Peyker’s complete break from the family traditions. But also I think we are invited to question how much of Peyker’s “happy homemaker” persona is an act. Fascinating stuff.

Yes, the psychological aspect is curiously modern for an 1899-1900 work I think. The secularism of it all, almost everything about the characters’ personalities being tied to their relationships to their parents etc. It doesn’t feel like a 19th century novel sometimes. It feels post-Freud. Also more rudimentary things like the smallness of the families also feel curiously modern to me - in Halit Ziya’s novels no one has more than two children.

Yes, Nihal is deliciously fucked up! I sometimes doubt myself and ask whether I read too much into the actions of a fairly normal tween/teen girl but then I reread it and, no, she is pretty messed up. And increasingly I find the book’s main strength in the contrast between Nihal’s Gothic psychology and Bihter’s more grounded and normal loneliness.

[avocifera]

vlogger!reader on gayotic that’s all

no because that would be such a hilarious episode !! ok so here are my thought on how it would go

- i feel that muna kept it a secret that vlogger!reader would be there until the ep was released just for funsies !

- the episode starts with jo going like “so we have my girlfriend’s girlfriend here huh… i don’t think i should be that happy and comfortable as i am but it is what it is!” and naomi just answers that with “i think everyone in our friend group is a little bit in love with reader we should all just accept our fate you know?” with their biggest smirk

- reader talks about so much stuff on that episode and they’re just so smart and eloquently articulate when talking about stuff as: discovering your sexuality, is it necessary to come out?, the pressure of being excellent, how sometimes weird fans make you feel, how being in love with women feels, just a lot of stuff in general

- but of course there are plenty of chaotic and unpredictable conversations too like the first time they smoked weed, that one time when reader’s parents almost caught them making out with a girl, tumblr 2014, growing up being a fangirlboy, good bad movies (i thought of winnie the pooh horror movie writing this)

- overall the episode would just be super entertaining to watch because reader’s personality matched so well with muna and they have a lot of fun silly conversations but also touch on sensitive topics in a very affectionate way that makes everyone’s heart warm.

- reader is a sunshine and that episode feels like being comforted by a older sibling while also laughing until your belly’s hurting and you have tears running down

[reciprocityfic]

champagne problems, chapter eight

title: champagne problems fandom: little women pairing: theodore laurence x amy march rating: m summary: amy accepts fred's proposal, and laurie comes home and marries jo. but instead of it being the end of something, it's just the start of something bigger.

(or, how laurie and amy find their way back to each other.)

chapter one: champagne problems   chapter two: right where you left me chapter three: it’s nice to have a friend chapter four: the end is here chapter five: moments that we stole (on begged and borrowed time) chapter six: this godforsaken mess chapter seven: love slipped beyond your reaches

author's note: i so, so apologize for this long break. thank you to everyone still reading after all this time. it means more to me than you will ever know, and inspired me not to give up on this story.

cracks of light

My Dearest Amy,

I’ve been dreaming of you.  In my mind, you are beautiful and joyous.  In my mind, you are eagerly waiting for my return.  And in my mind, you love me still, despite my absence and all my mistakes.

I miss you desperately.  Although my dreams of you are pleasant, they are no substitute for being by your side.  I understand why you haven’t written back, but it still pains me to not hear from you.  I hope you are well.  I hope you are happy, as you are in my dreams.

Know that I am working every day to secure our future together.  I hope to return soon, but there are a few more things that must fall into place before I can come home to you.  Know that I think of you every moment.  And know, above everything, that I love you.

Wait for me, my love, please.

Forever yours, Laurie

She jumps slightly as someone knocks on the door to her room.  Carefully, she folds the letter in her hands and goes over to her desk, opening the top right drawer and placing it on top of all the saved letters that came before it.  She stares at the heap for a moment, runs her hand over the top of it.  She can feel the indent of the pen strokes on the delicate paper.  She imagines him alone in a hotel room, writing by candlelight, pen gripped tightly in his fist as he put words down on the page.

Her heart aches.

I miss you desperately.

She misses him desperately, as well.  And she wants to write to him more than anything.  But she’d solemnly resolved to live with as little of him as possible in his absence; after all, it was something she would have to get used to, almost certainly.  She still can’t see a future for the two of them - not one together, at least.  Although Laurie has been insistent in his letters that he’s working toward a way for them, he hasn’t erased the doubt in her mind or the sinking feeling in her stomach.

She’ll have to live without him, and there was no time like the present to practice.  Which meant no writing back.  No sketching him.  No visits to his home - not even any visits to Mr. Laurence.  She even avoided talking about him as much as she could.

“Amy?  Are you there?”

She jumps again; this time, it’s at the sound of Marmee’s voice.  She walks to the door, opens it to find her mother standing there, a sweet smile on her face that almost distracts from the slight concern in her eyes.

“There you are.  You’ve been up here a while.  Is everything alright?”

“Yes,” she says simply.  She’s never told her mother that she comes up and locks herself in her room for sometimes hours reading Laurie’s letters, but she suspects Marmee knows anyway.  Her mother always seemed to know everything about her.  It would be bothersome if her mother was anyone other than Marmee .

“Good,” Marmee says, her gaze relaxing.  “You have a visitor, dear.”

She freezes, and feels all the blood rush from her face.  It can’t be…

Her mother reaches out quickly and takes her hand.

“It’s not him,” she assures her.  “I would tell you if it was.”

She lets out a shaky breath, and looks down at the floor, cursing the disappointment that floods through her.  She even feels tears begin to gather behind her eyes.  She doesn’t know how her dread regarding seeing Laurie again can exist alongside how much she misses him, but the two of them do exist, creating a war inside her and constantly tugging her heart in two different directions.

“Come,” Marmee beckons, turning towards the doorway.  “It’s not good to keep company waiting.”

She follows her mother down the stairs, idly trying to figure out who would be here to visit her specifically.  It’s always a family event when Meg comes, and Marmee has already confirmed it’s not Laurie.

Could it be Fred?  For a moment, her stomach fills with dread.  But then, she remembers that his response to her letter ending their engagement and calling off their wedding had only arrived two days ago, and it had been postmarked from Berlin.  It’s impossible that he could’ve made it here by now.  And she doubts Fred ever wants to see her again; his letter, though polite, was quite curt, to say the least.

Her brow furrows; she doesn’t know that many other people.  Not anymore.  In fact, she’s utterly confused when she walks into the front room with her mother, until she lays eyes on the person in a chair next to her father, chatting pleasantly.

“Mr. Laurence,” she says, and the old man looks up from his conversation.

“Amy, my dear,” he replies, smiling fondly at her.

Her face brightens, despite everything, as Mr. Laurence stands and walks over to her.  In the time during Beth’s illness and after her passing, the man had truly become like a grandfather to her and her sisters.  She’d missed him dearly, she realizes, as a few tears begin to gather in her eyes.

Before Mr. Laurence reaches her, though, his face becomes serious, and he asks Marmee and her father to give the two of them a moment together.  Anxiety creeps up her spine as her parents leave the room.  Surely this has something to do with - 

“I have news from Laurie,” Mr. Laurence tells her, interrupting but confirming her thoughts.  Dread must show on her face, because the man quickly reaches out and takes her hand.

“It’s nothing bad, I assure you,” he says, leading her to the sofa.  As they sit, Mr. Laurence sighs.  “But Laurie said to be careful, because he didn’t know how you would react.”

The old man squeezes her hand as her stomach churns.  She turns her face away and stares at the floor, not wanting him to see her reaction to the news, whatever it may be.

“He’s coming home,” Mr. Laurence murmurs.

Her hand - still grasped in his - tightens reflexively, and she squeezes her eyes shut.  She’s silent for a few moments, waiting to speak until she’s sure her voice won’t tremble.

“When?” she finally breathes.

“His train arrives tomorrow morning.”

She doesn’t cry, surprising herself.  Instead, something quite like shock runs through her veins and stimies her emotions.  The idea that Laurie will be in Concord less than twenty-four hours from now seems almost unfeasible to her.  She’d spent so much time trying to avoid and forget him - even the concept of him.  She’d honestly wondered if she would ever see him again, despite what he wrote in his letters.  And now that he’s coming back, she isn’t sure what to feel.

“Are you alright, my dear?” Mr. Laurence asks, after long moments of quiet.

She feels numb.  Like so many different emotions are pulling on her at the same time that they’ve overloaded her brain and heart and broken her.

“Yes,” she decides, “I’m alright.  Did he - do you know what he’s been up to all this time?”

“I needed him for a week in Boston about a month ago,” he tells her.  “But other than that, I haven’t a clue.”

She nods, and then pulls her hand away from the old man’s, wrapping both of her arms around herself.  She feels strange.  Maybe stranger than she’s ever felt.

“I’m so sorry, Mr. Laurence,” she says, “but I’m afraid I need to excuse myself.”

“Of course,” he says, without hesitation, and stands up as she does.  “It was nice seeing you again, dear.”

She smiles at him politely, and then starts towards the stairs.  Before she exits the room, though, she hears Mr. Laurence’s voice echo from behind her.

“I do sincerely hope everything works out for you, Amy.”

She stops, and looks over her shoulder.  The old man gazes after her, his eyes shining with sincerity.  Before she realizes what she’s doing, she walks quickly towards him and envelopes him in a hug.

“Thank you,” she murmurs, then squeezes her eyelids shut again.  She can feel inklings of the pressure behind her eyes from tears, but they do not fall.

After a moment, she steps back from him.  She almost feels embarrassed, but when she looks up, Mr. Laurence is smiling down at her.  She nods at him again, and then starts back towards the stairs.

When she’s finally in her room and has closed the door behind her, she exhales loudly.  She still feels muddled and unsteady, and anxious energy starts to bubble up inside her stomach.  She paces back and forth in the small room for about a minute before pulling the chair out and sitting down at the desk.  She sighs, and then reaches into the bottom right drawer and pulls out a sketchpad and pencil.

When she was a child and needed to calm down after a quarrel with one of her sisters, she’d come up to her room to draw.  Art has always soothed her, and she hopes it will soothe her now.

She turns her head to the right to look out the window, but sees nothing that captures her interest.  She sighs in frustration, and then turns back to the blank paper in front of her.  Slowly, she picks up her pencil, tapping it against the edge of the desk twice before putting it to the page.

She writes down his name. Laurie . She drops her pencil, and traces over her small, neat penmanship, lets her fingertip linger over the letters.  Suddenly, she picks her pencil back up, writes his name three times more.

Laurie

Laurie

Laurie

She decides to write him, that it will be easier to slip a letter under the front door of the Laurence mansion this evening instead of facing him in person tomorrow.  But she gives up only a moment later; she’s never been good with words, not like Jo.  And, in any case, she can’t get her thoughts straight.  The only word that comes to mind is his name.

Laurie.

Laurie, who’d written to her unfailingly time and time again even though she hadn’t written him a single thing in response.  Laurie, who'd said goodbye to her all those months ago, promising he’d find a way for them.  Laurie, who’d had the courage to confess for the both of them.  Laurie, who’d kissed her and held her and loved her like she was the most precious thing in the world.  Laurie in the rain.  Laurie in his study that first day, drunk and sorrowful.

Laurie, who’d stayed too long at his own wedding just to dance with her.

Laurie in Europe.  Laurie, who’d proposed marriage to her.  Laurie, who’d had the habit of gazing and smiling at her for moments too long.  Laurie, who’d visited her day after day after day in France during Fred’s long absences, seemingly trying to make up for his bad behavior by spending time with her.  Laurie in her studio at Aunt March’s.  Laurie, who’d unbuttoned her apron and called her beautiful and asked that she make her last portrait one of him.  Laurie, who’d forgotten about her and embarrassed her in front of everyone she thought mattered at the time.

Laurie, who’d been there to catch her when she flung herself into his arms on that street in Paris.

Laurie during her childhood.  Laurie, who’d bitterly left Concord and Jo behind.  Laurie, who’d helped her make flower bouquets the day before Meg’s wedding.  Laurie, who’d written her weekly at Aunt March’s house while Beth was sick, updating her on her sister’s condition and the family as a whole.  Laurie, who’d run alongside her on the beach during her first trip to the ocean.  Laurie, who’d given her a key to their mailbox in the forest that had a green ribbon because he said it matched her eyes.  Laurie, who’d saved her that day at the lake, carrying her home and whispering that she would be alright into the cold air.  Laurie, who’d bandaged her hand with the utmost care.  Laurie, who’d noticed her outside his window.  Laurie, who’d looked at her curiously after she introduced herself to him that first night, her eyes shining, and smiled.

Laurie, who, even though his attention had been absorbed by Jo, had taken the time to whisper to her, “Hello.”

Laurie.

“Laurie,” she whispers into the air, and the corners of her lips turn up.

***

She’s restless the next morning.  She wakes up before the sun rises and can’t fall back to sleep; every time she closes her eyes, Laurie’s face appears behind her lids.  So she lies on her back and stares at the ceiling until she hears the rest of the house stir.

Even Marmee, Father, and Hannah can’t calm her, though.  As they sit at the table, she can’t help but glance at the front door every minute, almost as if she can hear the beginnings of the knock she’s expecting.  She’s barely picking at a piece of bread during breakfast when she registers her mother’s voice.

“Meg should be coming today, with the twins and John.”

“It is Wednesday already?” her father answers.  “The week seems to be flying by.”

“Oh!” Hannah exclaims gently.  “I promised Daisy last week that we’d bake something together the next time she visited.  I’ll have to look at what we have around.”

“I’m going to go for a walk,” she says suddenly, tossing down her piece of bread and standing up abruptly.  “I’m not feeling well, and I think some fresh air might help.”

It’s not far from the truth.  She does feel unwell.  She feels like the walls are closing in on her, and her family’s conventional conversation grates at her brain and patience.

Her family knows better than to protest, and as they say their goodbyes, Marmee gives her a sympathetic, knowing, sad smile that makes her heart clench.  Before she leaves, she runs upstairs and grabs her sketchpad and pencil.

He’s been gone so long that it’s already spring again, and it’s warm enough outside today. The sun is shining, but there's still a certain chill in the air when the wind blows that harkens back to winter.  She’s forgotten her coat, but decides against going back for it.  Instead, she wraps her arms around herself tightly.

She doesn’t know where to go at first, but her feet lead her, and she follows them without question today.  She ends up on that beautiful hill where he’d proposed to Jo.  Where he’d confessed his love for her and kissed her for the first time.

She sits down on the sloping ground, her art supplies still clenched in her fist.  She brings them into her lap, puts graphite to paper.   She intends to draw the landscape in front of her, and she starts without thinking.  She’s a few minutes into her work when she realizes that, instead of trees and earth, she’s drawn the outlines of his face.

She stares down at the paper, pausing for a moment, and then goes back to work, purposefully drawing him this time.  The way he looked that day, right before he pressed his lips to hers.

And if you don’t leave now, I might kiss you .

She hadn’t left.  She’d stayed.  And he’d kissed her.

She doesn’t know how long she sits there drawing him - his windswept curls, red and pouted lips, eyes dark and purposeful - but she drops her pencil into the grass when she’s done, and flexes her cramping hand; she’d never been able to teach herself to be ambidextrous, as Jo had.  

She leans back slightly and examines her work, and can’t help but press her lips together in a sad, incredulous grin.  She’d tried so hard to forget him - she’d spent months trying to forget him - and had failed miserably, it seems.  Although she hasn’t seen him for months, she’s captured his details with near perfect precision.  She lifts her hand and runs her fingers over the pencil markings.

“I thought you’d given up on art, Raphaela.”

The sound of his voice startles her, and she nearly jumps off the ground before she registers that it’s him.  It’s Laurie.

She’d been wondering what she would do when she was in his presence again for his entire absence.  Would she scream, or cry?  Would she push him away?  Would she run to him?  Would she still love him?

As it stands, she picks up her pencil from the ground, and speaks without turning to him.

“How long have you been standing there?”

“Only a minute or so,” he tells her.  “You didn’t answer my question.”

“It wasn’t a question, so I have no obligation to comment on it,” she retorts calmly.

“Alright, Amy,” he relents.

Amy .  She closes her eyes, and lets the sound of him saying her name permeate her eardrums again.  She can hear the smile in his voice, as well.

She hears the rustling of footsteps, and then he’s sitting down next to her.  He’s close, but doesn’t touch her.  Instead, he pulls his knees up to his chest, and drapes his arms across them.

“You didn’t answer my letters, either,” he points out, after a beat of silence.  “I’ve learned to expect silence from you.  Quite a change from how it was when we were growing up.”

She’s about to defend herself, but then she sees the grin on his face, out of the corner of her eye - she still hasn’t looked at him fully, yet - and realizes he’s teasing her.

“Stop it, Theodore,” she huffs.

“Only for you, Amy Curtis March.”

She can feel his gaze on her.  He’s trying to make her smile, and she bites her bottom lip to hold it back.

Silence falls over them, and she’s overcome with subtle amazement - amazement that he’s here again, next to her, but primarily amazement that this is so easy .  There is a future full of questions ahead of her, she’s sure, but this - being with him - is still one of the easiest things she’s ever done.

His voice removes her from her thoughts, though, with an sudden rush.

“I’m no longer married.”

Her mouth falls open, and she finally turns to look at him. (He looks beautiful - tired, but absolutely lovely.  She would focus more on this if she wasn’t so confused at his statement, she’s sure.) He’s staring straight ahead, one of his knees bouncing nervously.  She gapes at him.

“What are you talking about?”

“Jo and I aren’t married anymore.”

“You’re -”

She doesn’t finish her sentence, because she can’t even imagine it.

“We’re divorced, yes,” he says.

“That’s impossible,” she counters immediately.

“No,” he tells her.  “It’s…difficult, but not impossible.  You have to have a certain amount of money, and know the right set of people, and be willing to give up a few things…”

“Like what?” she asks, and he sighs deeply.

“Your reputation, mostly.  Mine will take a hit, but Jo’s will fall off…quite a bit.  At least around here.  She said she’s staying in New York permanently.  Still, I was afraid she wouldn’t agree.  But then again, Jo March has never been one to care much about what other people think of her, has she?”

She can’t agree or disagree with his statement.  She’s still too busy trying to wrap her mind around what he’s told her.

Divorced.

“It’s impossible,” she murmurs quietly.

“It’s not,” he assures her again.  “Amy…”

He reaches out, puts his hand on her arm.  A warm current that stems from his palm flows through her immediately.  She stares down at his hand for a long moment.

“Divorced,” she whispers.

She covers his hand with hers tentatively.

“I’m…sorry,” she says suddenly.  “I’m sorry I didn’t reply to your letters.  I read them, though.  I read them over and over again, and kept each one.  They’re in a drawer in my desk, and I read them and read them and read them -”

She doesn’t realize she’s crying until he gathers her into his arms.  She grabs on to the lapels of his jacket and sobs once, nestling his face into his neck.

“I missed you so much,” she tells him.

Because she had missed him, even if she hadn’t admitted it to herself.  She’d missed him so terribly that the thought of it almost makes her ill, even though he’s here with her now.

“I missed you,” he murmurs into her hair.  “My God, Amy, how I missed you.”

He hugs her closer to him for a moment more, and then pulls back.  He reaches over to her, takes her face in his hand and tilts her chin up so he can look into her eyes.

“I love you,” he tells her.  “I love you, and I don’t deserve you.  Especially not now.  But I want you, and 

I want my future to be with you.  I understand if you don’t - if we’re together, your reputation will suffer as well.  So I understand if you -”

She kisses him quickly - to quiet him and his doubts that seem so silly now, mostly, but also because she’s missed kissing him so much .  When they separate, he’s smiling, and even though a few tears stream down his cheeks, he laughs.

She breaks into laughter as well, and they laugh together until they can’t breathe.  Anyone passing would think they were crazy.

But no one is passing.  No one is here, except her and him.  Amy and Laurie.

This is the way it was meant , he’d said, after he’d kissed her that first time.

Once they’ve calmed down, he reaches for her face again, and rests his forehead against hers.

“Amy. Will you marry me?”

He can barely get the question out before she gives her answer, teary and breathless.

“Yes .”

He smiles, and whispers, “Thank you,” before kissing her again, deep and slow.

She kisses him back, and feels, for the first time since she arrived back from Europe, that she’s finally come home.

[maidenofmice]

The slender acacia would not shake

One long milk-bloom on the tree;

The white lake-blossom fell into the lake,

As the pimpernel dozed on the lea;

But the rose was awake all night for your sake,

Knowing your promise to me;

The lilies and roses were all awake.

They sigh'd for the dawn and thee.

Queen rose of the rosebud garden of girls,

Come hither, the dances are done,

In gloss of satin and glimmer of pearls,

Queen lily and rose in one;

Shine out, little head, sunning over with curls,

To the flowers, and be their sun.

There has fallen a splendid tear

From the passion-flower at the gate.

She is coming, my dove, my dear;

She is coming, my life, my fate;

The red rose cries, *She is near, she is near;'

And the white rose weeps, 'She is late;'

The larkspur listens, 'I hear, I hear;'

And the lily whispers, 'I wait.'

She is coming, my own, my sweet;

Were it ever so airy a tread.

My heart would hear her and beat,

Were it earth in an earthy bed;

My dust would hear her and beat,

Had I lain for a century dead;

Would start and tremble under her feet,

And blossom in purple and red.

[excerpt from Lord Tennyson‘s Maud I, XXII.]

So i was briefly exposed to this poem in an art history seminar on the Victorian Era a few months ago, and because I am totally normal, all I could think about was how well it fit Aki on at least two layers. One: the entire linking of Maud with flowers, especially the rose, for obvious reasons works so so well. Especially the title „Queen Rose of the Rosebud Garde of Girls“ makes so much sense. And the second layer is a little deeper but also totally supported by my own confirmation bias. Maud is described to be deceptively beautiful but incredibly cold looking, with a stern expression and a complexion that makes her appear almost dead. I haven‘t read the entire poem down to detail but from what I could gather, the lyrical protagonist falls in love with her (and grows increasingly obsessed) after a disagreement between their fathers lead to his father‘s death, so at the beginning he tries to get back at Maud‘s father through her, but ends up being bewitched by her in the process, eventually dueling and killing her brother etc. etc. it‘s all very Victorian. Maud is mostly passive in this, never actively described to do anything and yet she is said to be both the best thing in the lyrical protagonist‘s life while at the same time being his demise.

Retrospectively one could assume that both of these things are not inherent to her character and just qualities assigned to her by the men in her life. In the Victorian era there was almost a popular belief that there were two opposing kinds of women: femmes fragiles and femme fatales, the first kind being dependent and almost sickly but on the other hand sweet and kind and docile, while the femme fatale as in popular media today is independent yet violent and oftentimes promiscuous.

It‘s an interesting duality that I see in Aki in a way (helped by the image of roses, y‘know, they‘re beautiful flowers with delicate blossoms but also piercing thorns which the show uses actively to characterize this duality in Aki) , but in a way where it has always been decided for her instead of by her. She‘s violent at the start because that is the side of hers that is fostered by Divine and towards the end of the show her caring nature shines through instead. Interestingly enough though, she is less independent when in her „femme fatale“ stage, which is really just her anger and pain towards abandonment as a young teen not being dealt with properly. She was never a true femme fatale to begin with and neither has she ever been and will ever be a femme fragile. She‘s just Aki, with both all the hurt she‘s had to experience but just as much all the times she got to experience genuine happiness, a lot of which comes from being taking care of by and caring for her friends.

There are a lot more thoughts in my brain about how women were characterized in literature throughout the decades, using the image of the rose — a sort of de-humanization of the woman and at the same time a personification of nature as woman. We talked about this extensively in another seminar on nature songs but that would exceed ALL limits on this post.

So instead just take this little drawing I made of my Queen Rose. She enables me to do things in my art I never knew I could do.

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

I feel so lonely. I know that I'm only 25 (and soon I'll be 26, and that doesn't feel right), but I also feel like I'm running out of time. More and more of the people my age that I know have gotten married or will be married later this year. And I've been invited to the wedding of a friend that I am honestly happy for and looking forward to seeing, but I noticed that my mood was brought down on the day that I got the invitation. And I didn't think it was related until I was watching a romantic show later in the evening and was brought to tears.

And, to be honest, watching or reading romance stories have always been something I've enjoyed but over the years I've been getting more and more jealous of these fictional characters. And I'm starting to think that maybe I don't enjoy romance stories anymore.

The way that the protagonists pine, and how they are being pined after. The way they see each other's flaws and have the desire to cherish them. The way they want to take care of each other, how they want to see the other happy, how they want so desperately their feelings to be reciprocated all the while they already are... I think these things haven't been making me swoon or feel giddy for the past couple years. They just make me sad. Because I lack them.

I've never even had a partner. I think the only time I had feelings reciprocated was in the 1st grade, and I didn't even know it. We were six, and we called each other "boyfriend" and "girlfriend," but insisted it was because "he's my friend that is a boy!" and vice versa. We were only six, but he got me a bouquet of flowers on Valentine's Day. And our mothers took us to Chuck E. Cheese and he gave me all the tickets he won. And it makes me happy that I had someone that liked me that much. But it makes me sad that that's the last romantic gesture I've had. 

And for a very long time, I hadn't even had my first kiss. And I was getting impatient. I always dreamed about what my first kiss would be like. How it would feel like a crescendo. How delicate or rough it would be. Would it be behind the school? Would it be at my doorstep after a date? Would it be at the top of a ferris wheel? Would it be in the rain? But my first kiss was also during my first sexual encounter at 23. And we had only gone on a couple of dates. And afterwards, he ghosted me. I tried to convince myself it was fine; I don't think losing my virginity was this life-changing event (in many ways, I still feel like a virgin), and it wasn't like I was in love with the guy. But I felt played. 

And every single time after the first grade, every single person I've liked has rejected me. And almost all the guys that have shown interest in me have turned around and been cruel once it was clear I didn't reciprocate. Without exaggeration, most of them became red-pilled incels. And it seems that's the main brand of dude that I still attract.

As for women, I haven't been pursued, and I attempted to pursue two. Both were unsuccessful. One even snapped at me. Both were bi, like me, so it wasn't like I was barking up the wrong tree. Both have even been flirty with me. It really seemed like I was getting moves put on me. But both were way more conventionally attractive than me. 

And maybe that's the crux of it. Maybe I'm not pretty enough, thin enough, to be cared for. Maybe I'm only pretty enough to fuck for one night, to be someone's friend, to harass on the street, to be thought as obtainable by the detestable, to get a swipe to the right on a dating app but no messages.

I just want someone to think I'm worthwhile enough to give all their Chuck E. Cheese tickets to again.

Love,

Maria

[wack-ashimself]

Liking the first season of 'Torchwood' BUT...

See, I knew of the show 10 years ago. Watched some of it. Hated it. Forgot about it. But was watching like top 10 most shocking tv deaths (or something like that) and they had season 4 (did NOT know they had that many) of 'Torchwood' on there, saying how the latter two seasons were SOLID AF compared to the first 2 seasons.

And I am getting into it. On the 1st season finale. But I gotta say this show has so many plot holes (record setting for just 1 fucking season), and characters who make the wrong call EVERY TIME, you wonder...who am I supposed to cheer for? Cuz, by the numbers, Torchwood has hurt far more than it helped so far.

The lead-she cheated on her boyfriend (with EASE. It felt weird how easy it was for her being in a committed relationship), drugged him, erased his memory, lied to him, and then (Spoilers) got him killed. Also thru negligence, released an alien that killed a BUNCH of dudes.

The butler-he literally chanced cyber men taking over the world, and got an innocent genius doctor killed, cuz he was too much of a COWARD to let his clearly dying gf go.

Tech lady-She reads everyone's deepest darkest thoughts, then got mad when Jack sent an alien who had been murdering for centuries into the sun. She's not bad, per say, more...neutral. She's harmed the least, for sure. That's such a low bar, tho...

Captain Jack-The original reason I watched the show. I LOVED his character on Dr Who. But...this is not him. Not the same guy. Not the free spirited, happy, goofy, witty, always ready, near-god. No. This is an immortal having a mid mid mid life crisis cuz he's lived so long and WANTS to die. Seriously, cuz of his shit, and the lead's, this is like a partial drama. I will say, tho, he has had to make some TOUGH calls which did not make him well liked, but I respected him cuz you knew, deep down, it had to be done, and no one else was gonna do it*.

The doctor-In the finale I am on, he was fired. And I hope his character dies. I fucking hate him. I hate his face, his voice, his actions, his brain; everything. He convinces the noobie to cheat with him, after he basically mouth rapes her. He's angry ALL the time, yells at people thinking he's a genius when he's like the 3rd smartest. He 'falls in love' with a women, tries to demand her to stay, and gets all pity party after ONE WEEK WITH HER. Can you fall madly in love in a week? Sure. But suicidal and a threat to others cuz 'you're sad'? Go fuck yourself, you bitch. Oh, and he basically openly chooses to chance ending the world NOT because he wants to save his team mates (tho he claims that) but because he's tired of being a bitch to the time tear (or whatever the fuck they call it).

So...WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU CHEERING FOR? Jack is the only semi cool character, and he's still kinda an ass. They're ALL kinda...selfish, short sighted, fuckers.

But I will finish this series. Because, storywise, the themes and plots they got going, are HIGHLY original and almost always have 1-3 good twists I don't see coming. You don't understand: I have been exposed to so much media, I can predict most things I see within a short period of time (even whole movies from trailers). I'm SO good (or writing is THAT predictable) I actually can, based on context, guess, WORD FOR WORD some lines. Sometimes in real time. Not usually. But not too far off, either.

*I will say, the call the writers/show/characters are supposed to hate was Jack giving the child to the faeries. NO. GREAT call. Best call you could make. Every other call would have sucked. See-the girl was fucking evil. Sociopath. Straight up. Like the faeries. She hated everyone. Talked to no one, but the faeries. She was borderline evil. And the faeries straight up said if you don't give us the kid, we will kill en mass, starting with HER ENTIRE SCHOOL. And the girl WANTED to go. So...where's the problem giving up the kid? Her mom's sad? Who gives a shit. You just saved TONS of lives, an evil fucking kid is gone, and the fairies disappeared. Only one who really lose was the mom. Her long time boyfriend (he was an ass) and her kid: BOTH GONE, SAME DAY. That is cruel, but long run, genuinely, it's even best for her. Her boyfriend was abusing her kid behind her back, and her kid was cheering on the torture of kids. It's a win-win-win. Fuck you for trying to make me feel bad for him giving up the kid. She wanted to go, and I wanted her to go. Fuck her.