#but I will wear them until I feel I’ve gotten my money’s worth goddammit

[whentherewerebicycles]

I am not really an avid Purchaser of Objects but periodically I like to take stock of things I’ve bought that turned out to be excellent quality or worth investing in. here are my favorites:

thousandfell’s women’s lace-up sneakers. vegan leather and insanely comfy. took them as my only pair of shoes on a very walking-intensive trip to japan and south korea and ended up exclaiming aloud many times “god I can’t believe how comfy these are!!” they’ve lasted two full years of heavy wear and are still going strong.

the LL bean women’s mountain classic anorak. this is the only jacket I have ever needed in the PNW. it’s insanely lightweight so it’s perfect for brisk but not too cold days (and also amazing for travel as it folds down so small), BUT it’s also roomy enough that you can layer a sweatshirt under it and comfortably wear it outside in temps as low as 35 degrees. it also has SO MANY HUGE POCKETS which means I can carry everything I need for the dogs and the baby in just my jacket lol. like literally i can fit a bottle and diapers and wipes in it. I own it in two colors and wear it every single day.

able’s mamuye leather tote. I believe this was a rec from sasha? I had been searching high and low for a bag that looked professional for work but was still casual enough to use as an everyday or travel tote too. I wanted something simple, durable, and high quality enough that I could use it for a really long time. I splurged for the kind with a zipper and it was worth it! the one change is I wish it came with an organizer or had a bit more built-in structure. I got a cheap one off amazon which works fine and gives it a nice shape, but idk I might eventually buy the one they sell specifically for this bag. I love this bag so much that every time I see it I gasp inwardly at how beautiful it is and how fancy yet low-maintenance it looks. I think your favorite objects should be so beautiful to you they make your heart happy when you see them and this bag definitely qualifies.

karina dresses. the prints can be hit or miss and sell out pretty fast so you have to jump on the new collection releases when they email you. but almost every work dress I own is from this company and I love them so much. they’re super well made, flattering, and cut in a way that makes them very forgiving if your body (like mine) tends to fluctuate up and down in weight a lot. they are so forgiving that I didn’t have to buy any new maternity clothes for work—I just wore these through my whole pregnancy. the one thing that might not work for everyone: they’re made from a synthetic fabric, which means they never wrinkle and hang-dry very quickly, but also idk I do prefer the feel of cotton or linen or another more breathable natural fiber.

speaking of natural fibers: I also purchased a few skirts and a dress from pact (organic cotton basics) and I really like them so far but don’t yet know how they’ll hold up over time! so they get an honorary mention for now.

the thomasville tisdale sectional. this is the greatest couch ever made. I evangelize for it every opportunity I get. it’s so comfy and so gigantic. you can rearrange the modular pieces to form a very comfortable queen-sized bed if you don’t have a spare room or if you just want to have a really cozy movie night. I’ve had it for three years and it gets a lot of wear and tear with the dogs but it still looks and feels SO nice. plus it’s costco and their insane return policy means that if it falls apart in five years (it won’t) I could almost certainly still take it back and get a full refund. best! giant! couch! ever!!!!

ok that’s it lol everything else I own apart from art and quirky sentimental objects is kinda junk, or is just Fine but not worth writing home about. do you own high quality objects or clothing that you love recommending to other people? if so I want to hear about it.

[unreasonablestarkstan]

Whumptober - Superfamily

Prompt: Stab wound

Words: 1612

Notes: Superfamily fic, AU where Peter is Steve and Tony’s son but they don’t know that he’s Spider-man. I got a bit carried away with this one, forgive me. 

TW for blood and knives

Read on AO3 as part of my Whumptober 2019 series - I’m writing Irondad, Stony, and Superfamily fics. 

xxx

One thing was absolutely certain: Peter’s dads were going to kill him. It was three hours past his curfew and he still wasn’t home. He had been out patrolling as Spider-Man and had just lost track of time. It was a busy night, and it was hard to think about curfew when there was so much excitement. He had helped stop a car thief, saved a kitten from a tree, and webbed up a man who was trying to steal from an ATM. But now it was 1AM and he was still 10 blocks from home, trying to think of an excuse to tell his parents when he finally got home. They couldn’t know that he was Spider-Man, they would lose it if they found out. He would never be allowed to go out patrolling again.

Peter had just settled on a lie - he would say that he and Ned lost track of time while working on their new Death Star Lego set - when he heard a woman screaming on the street down below. His own petty worries about missing his curfew vanished and he swung down to the scene. A man wearing a ski mask was holding a knife to a young woman’s throat as he forced her to empty her pockets and purse. She was shaking in terror, but her eyes widened when she saw the one and only Spider-Man sneaking up behind the mugger.

“Hey, asshole!” Peter said, tapping the man on the shoulder, “How about you try stealing from me, instead? Give yourself a challenge!”

“Shit.” He heard the mugger whisper before he dropped the woman’s money and spun around to face Peter.

“Nice mask,” Peter said, lunging forward to take the man down. It was an easy enough fight, the mugger was really no match for his super strength. He got him pinned against the wall and webbed one of his hands against the bricks. But Peter wasn’t fast enough, and before he could web his other hand, the man sunk his knife deep into Peter’s shoulder. He yanked it out and went in for another stab, this time closer to Peter’s heart. But Peter was faster now, his body pumping with adrenaline, and he was able to web up the man’s free hand before he could wound him again.

Peter didn’t feel anything at first. He just took a few steps back, staring at the man in complete shock. He had gotten his fair share of cuts and bruises in his time as Spider-Man, but he had never been stabbed before. He looked down at where the knife had been and saw a red stain starting to spread radially outward on his blue hoodie. The pain finally registered in his brain he cried out when he felt it, white-hot and terrible. With a last ounce of strength he webbed up the man’s mouth before falling to his knees.

“Spider-Man!” The woman yelled, running over to him.

“I’m okay,” Peter said through clenched teeth, feeling very much Not Okay. But despite the intense pain, he knew deep down that he would be fine. His healing factor was already taking over, and the blood flow was slowing down. Still, it hurt like hell.

“How can I help you? Should I call an ambulance?”

“No!” Peter responded, sounding harsher than he intended. If he ended up in the hospital then his identity would be revealed and this whole thing would be over.

“Sorry, I mean, I don’t need an ambulance. I’ll be fine. My building is right over here, anyway.”

Peter got up to his feet and started walking towards his building, clutching his shoulder with his opposite hand. The woman followed him, her face full of concern.

“You’re sure you’re okay, Spider-Man?”

“I’m sure. You just call the police and tell them to come pick up that asshole we left on the wall.”

“Of course, Spider-Man. Here, at least let me get the door for you.”

Peter gave her a tight smile and walked into the building, trying to hide the pain from his face until she turned away. When he was sure that she was gone, he took off his mask and hoodie, his shoulder screaming out in pain at the motion. But it had to be done. His dads couldn’t see him in this outfit. He looked in his backpack and groaned when he saw that all he had was a white shirt.

Great. No chance of hiding the blood.

He put the white shirt on anyway, hoping he could get away with telling his dads that he had a nosebleed or something. It probably wouldn’t work, but it was worth a shot. He got in the elevator and braced himself for the inevitable, the dread growing in his stomach as he ascended the many floors. At least it was taking his mind off the pain in his shoulder.

When he got upstairs, Peter stood outside the door for a few minutes, not at all ready to face his dads. He pressed his ear against the door and listened, irrationally hoping that they had already gone to bed. That hope was instantly dashed when he heard Tony’s voice through the door. He was very loud and very angry.

“Goddammit, Steve! Stop telling me it’s going to be okay!”

A moment of silence, then Steve’s voice, much softer and gentler than Tony’s had been.

“He’s a smart kid, you know that. He wouldn’t get himself into any trouble.”

Peter’s stomach dropped. His dad had so much faith in him, and here he was getting himself stabbed in the street at one in the morning.

“Anything could have happened to him! Anything! God, Steve, what if he...what if somone…” Tony broke down before he could finish his sentence. Hearing his father cry like that...it made Peter feel like the worst fuck-up in the world.

Peter couldn’t take another minute of it. He opened the door and walked into the apartment with his head hung low. He didn’t bother to try to hide the blood stain on his shirt, he knew it was a lost cause. Besides, it was hurting him so bad now he didn’t think he could move his arm at all.

“Oh my God,” Steve said, running up to him before he could take two steps into the room. His eyes were fixed on the dark stain of blood on Peter’s shirt. Tony was frozen in place on the other side of the room, staring at him in disbelief.

“Peter, is that…?”

“Would you believe me if I told you I had a nosebleed?”

Steve reached out and tilted Peter’s head up, forcing him to look him in the eyes. At the sight of his dad’s concerned face, Peter couldn’t help but break down. It was all too much: the pain, the guilt, the weight of hiding his double life, all of it. Tears spilled down his cheeks and his body started to shake. Naturally, that only made the pain in his shoulder worse and he cried out, unable to mask it any longer.

“Oh, Pete…”

“My...my shoulder,” Peter said, “it hurts so bad.”

Steve gently pulled back the sleeve of Peter’s shirt to reveal the wound underneath. It wasn’t very wide, but it was deep enough that a tendon was visible. Steve looked at it for a moment, his face completely stoic.

“Peter, honey, we have to go to the hospital, okay?”

“No!” Peter said, taking a step back, “Please don’t make me go, I just want to stay here.”

Steve sighed and looked back at Tony, who was staring at the wound in Peter’s shoulder with a dark, angry expression on his face.

“Who did this to you?” Tony asked in a low voice, his eyes still focused on the wound.

Peter hesitated for a moment, and then decided that he was sick of making up fake stories and lying to his parents about where he’d been. It was time to finally come clean.

“I have to tell you something,” he started, trying to brace himself for their reactions, “I, uh, I got bitten by this spider thing a few months ago and ever since I’ve been able to do weird stuff. Like walk on walls and lift pretty much anything. So I decided to try and use my powers to help people. That’s how I got hurt tonight, trying to help a woman who was getting mugged.”

Peter unzipped his backpack and pulled out his blood stained hoodie and mask, holding it out for his dads to see.

“I’m, um, you know...Spider-Man.”

The words hung in the air for a few moments. Peter braced himself for the yelling and lecturing to start.

“Peter. We’re going to the hospital.” Tony’s voice was shockingly quiet and gentle.

“I really don’t want --” Peter protested.

“Enough. We’re going right now,” Steve said, grabbing the car keys from the kitchen table.

Peter looked back and forth from each of them, trying to understand why they weren’t screaming at him.

“But what about --” he started, but was cut off by Tony.

“Later. We’ll talk about all of this later. After you’re all fixed up.”

Peter nodded, beyond grateful. He was already so overwhelmed, he didn’t think he’d be able to handle having to fully explain himself right now. Besides, his shoulder was hurting so bad now that the hospital didn’t seem so bad anymore.

“Okay,” Peter said quietly, “yeah, okay. The hospital.”

Peter knew that there would be a very long, probably unpleasant conversation about all of this later. But for right now, a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. And that was enough.

[vfdbaudelairefile13]

Chapter Twenty-Five:

The One Where Violet Wins Lot #49 & Receives a Red Herring

The Hook-Handed Man startled as Esme Squalor and Olaf walked into Veblen Hall. “It’s almost showtime!” Esme squealed. “Think of the money we are going to make!”

Olaf laughed as he glanced towards the red herring statue. He also thought about the two orphans who were blissfully trapped in a net in an empty elevator shaft. “Oh, I am,” he cheered. He glanced towards his henchperson. “Where're the others?”

His henchperson shrugged his shoulders in response. Olaf rolled his eyes. “I need baldy to make sure no pesky volunteers try to muck up my plan,” he ordered. “Larry and Jacquelyn have gotten on my last fucking nerve,”

“Yes, sir,”

Esme glanced at the red herring statue. “Hooky?”

“Yeah?” he asked dismissively, not even turning towards her.

“Did you take care of the brats?” She asked.

“Of course. They’re in the fish, aren’t they?”

“But the fish is moving and making noise,” she pointed out.

“Goddammit,” the henchman muttered as Olaf growled.

“Can you do anything right?” he hissed at his henchperson. “How the fuck are we supposed to get away with this if they’re conscious and causing a ruckus!”

He walked over to the scarlet red fish statue angrily. Esme was right. When he reached the fish he could hear the muffled shouts of the three orphans that somehow fit in there. He could clearly see that they were also hitting the inside of the statue trying to get the attention of anyone who was near. Unfortunately, for these three children, no one was here except for Olaf, Esme, and Olaf’s henchman who was glaring at the fish with a face mixed with disappointment and irritation.

Olaf ripped open the fin of the fish and watched as the three orphans fell out piling on top of each other. Olaf grabbed Duncan by the collar of his shirt. “Do you three like pissing me off?” he asked.

“Leave him alone!” Isadora yelled shuffling to her feet before Esme grabbed her.

Duncan didn’t look Olaf’s way. He watched what was happening to his sister and Sunny. “Let me make myself clear. I have the two remaining brats…” he began before Sunny’s head shot up.

“ No!” She shrieked in the highest pitch she could. Duncan and Isadora even cringed at the sound.

Olaf growled in response, still gripping tightly to Duncan. He looked down at Sunny, offering her a wicked smile. The toddler glanced back up at him with a face that was a mix of her siblings’. Anyone who looked at Sunny could see that she was trembling slightly, either from her rage that was building up inside of her like a volcano ready to erupt, or the fear she had concerning her siblings, her friends, and even herself. They could see that her lifeless eyes were a strange mix of water and fire. With tears of anger slowly leaking out. But her expression started out one of paralyzing fear but as Olaf glanced at her and laughed her face changed into one of unbridled hatred.

“ That’s right,” He gloated. “ I have both of those miserable brats!”

“Klaus! Violet!” she screamed.

He leaned in closer to Sunny doing his best to try to intimidate the toddler. “ And once I’ve taken care to you and these twins,” he lifted Duncan a bit to indicate exactly who he was talking about. “ I’m going to come back for them. And you remember what I told you, babylaire? When you asked about your brother?” Sunny’s glare intensified but she was still paralyzed with fear. “ I’m going to do it again, but worse this time. Slower. Deeper. Sharper. He will bleed out entirely.” He hissed. Everyone in the room cringed. “And the girl...well, I can’t tell you what I have planned for her but just know that it’s very, very bad.” He smirked down at Sunny. “ And soon, I’ll find out exactly how much Snicket is worth and depending on the answer...I may not need you anymore. The only question is will you suffer a similar fate to your brother...or a unique one?’

Now if you’ve ever seen a raccoon attack a human being, you would be able to see the scene that followed easier than others. Sunny rushed to Olaf and began doing what she does best, she began to bite him relentlessly. His arms, legs, fingers, even his knees.  She moved faster than he would have thought she could after days of being in his captivity. In her fit of rage, he had to let go of his grip on Duncan, but he was able to push Duncan towards Esme, who surprisingly held a firm grip on the two triplets.

Olaf growled an inhumane growl as he tried to catch Sunny, who continued to move faster than he could, biting and nipping at him. With each bite of her sharp teeth, she broke skin causing him to bleed and yelp. The Quagmires watched in amazement even cheering Sunny on.

Olaf looked towards his henchman and Esme to help him. Esme pulled on the collars of the Quagmires in response. Her way of telling Olaf that her hands were full. He glared at his henchperson who walked over and caught Sunny on to his hook with no effort. Sunny dangled from the man’s hook struggling vigorously. Olaf had to take a minute to recover from Sunny’s attack.

“ Leave them,” She shrieked. “ Alone!”

She waved her tiny fists at Olaf and Esme. Who both glanced at each other and laughed. Olaf took a step towards Sunny. The closer he got, the fewer movements Sunny made. Fear taking over as his evil shiny eyes glared down at her.

“You have me,” she pointed out meekly.

“I do have you for now,” Olaf hissed. “If I didn’t prefer you over your annoying older brother, you’d be six feet under. But I really hope that Snicket bitch is worth both fortunes because then I don’t have to deal with your feral ass!”

“ Fuck off!” Sunny yelled. Olaf responded with a cruel grin as he raised his arm and with as much power as he could muster after Sunny’s brutal attack. He slapped Sunny across the face. The toddler's head swung to the left harshly. The Hook-Handed Man gasped in surprise as Sunny began to cry.

“You piece of shit!” Duncan yelled struggling in Esme’s grasp.

“She’s a toddler!” Isadora screamed beginning to struggle in the wicked woman’s grip.

“She needs to be taught to obey her elders,” He explained. The Hook-Handed Man was holding back every urge to hold Sunny correctly, to check her over. He looked from his boss to the young toddler stuck to his hook. Why didn’t they just listen to me? He asked himself.

“Darling, can I see your bag?” Olaf asked glaring at the toddler who continued to wail. Esme threw him her purse and Sunny’s eyes widened when she saw what Esme had in her bag. She could see Olaf pull out a muzzle that looked like it could fit her. She began to struggle in the henchman’s grip and she continued to rapidly try to bite down on either the muzzle or Olaf’s hand as he tried to strap the muzzle on to her.

“No!’ Sunny pleaded.

Duncan and Isadora struggled. Both confused as to how Esme was able to effortlessly hold on to them with her long, manicured nails.

“Don’t hurt her!”

“No! Leave her alone!”

Olaf ignored the cries and pleads of the two Quagmires as he maneuvered the toddler-sized muzzle onto Sunny’s face. Sunny stop struggling once Olaf had succeeded. “There,” Olaf barked. “Much better. Until I know what I’m going to do with her,”

“We’ll just take it off her, you fuck!” Isadora screamed.

Olaf turned around to face the two Quagmires. “Oh, you won’t get the chance,” he hissed as he pulled out a syringe from Esme’s bag and stabbing it into Isadora’s arm.

Duncan started struggling even harder in Esme’s grip as he watched Isadora’s eyes slowly close. “No! Don’t hurt her!” Duncan cried.

“Oh, she’s just sleeping. Like soon you and the baby will, too,” Esme explained.

“We can’t have you three mucking up our plan,” Olaf said grabbing for a second syringe and stabbing it into Sunny’s arm. Duncan watched in horror as Sunny’s eyes closed quicker than Isadora’s and her body seemed limp.

“You won’t get away with this!” Duncan cried. “Violet and Klaus will…”

Olaf and Esme laughed a cruel laugh that made Duncan’s stomach shift anxiously.

“They found us before…” Duncan said. “They’ll save us.”

“But darling,” Esme hissed from behind him. Letting go of Isadora’s collar. Allowing her to collapse to the ground with a harsh thud!   “Who’s going to save them?”

Duncan’s eyes went wide. “What have you done to them?” he barked at the cruel man who pulled out the third syringe.

“Nothing yet,” Olaf said.

“If you touch either one of them,” Duncan warned trying to get out of Esme’s grasp.

“Oh, Quigley,” Olaf mused.

“ Duncan,” he corrected through gritted teeth.

“What are you going to do?” Olaf asked as he stabbed the third syringe into Duncan’s arm.

Duncan could feel his eyes getting heavy. He tried to struggle. “No. No. Please. Someone...help...us,” he said limply as Esme dropped him in the same fashion as she had Isadora.

Olaf glared at his henchperson. “If you would’ve done that in the first place,”

“They were behaving for me,”

Olaf glared. “I don’t care. I don’t know how long the sedative is going to last so get some tape and rope for the older brats. Keep the muzzle on the brat and tie her hands too. I will not have any orphans mucking up my fucking schemes!” He hissed as he walked away to go change into a new pinstripe suit seeing that Sunny had ripped holes in the one he was currently wearing.

_____________________________________________________________________

Klaus continued to hug his big sister in silence until he was sure that her feet were planted back into reality and not her daydream. He waited until he could hear her hiccup uncontrollably from her crying fit.

“Vi...we need to hurry,” he told her. “The auction might have already started.”

She lifted her head and looked at him with her tear-stained eyes. She could see in his eyes the sense of urgency that was behind them. She slowly nodded her head as she wiped her eyes. “You’re right,” She took one look at the burned remains of what would have been her childhood home as Klaus did the same.

“Maybe one day,” Klaus said. “We can rebuild it and you can live in it...and…”

She smiled. “Let’s save Sunny and the Quagmires and when I inherit my inheritance we all can live here,” she agreed.

“With a library?”

“Bigger and better than the one you had before. We’ll put the boring books on the top shelves,” she said.

“And a giant kitchen?” he asked as the two started walking out of the burned remains.

“The biggest kitchen ever,” Violet agreed. “And a study for Isadora to do her poems and a study for Duncan to do his research for his newspaper. We’ll put that room next to the library so you two won’t be too far from each other.”

Klaus blushed at that. “Well then your inventing studio should be near Isadora’s study,” he joked.

Violet blushed but nodded her head. “And we’ll block off that passageway,”

“Oh, agreed,” Klaus said turning his head to look back at his old home. He frowned once more as he and Violet stepped into the street.

“We’ll just get a taxi,” she said.

“We don’t have money,”

“Ah, but that is where you are wrong,” Violet said as she pulled out her father’s wallet from her backpack.

Before Violet could signal for a taxi, a small familiar car nearly hit the two siblings.

“Out of the way,” the driver coughed. “I’m trying to get somewhere quickly!”

“Mr. Poe?” Violet asked.

“April? Klaus?” Mr. Poe replied back.

“Her name is Violet,” Klaus corrected.

“Why are you here and so dusty?” Mr. Poe asked ignoring Klaus.

Violet and Klaus rolled their eyes as Mrs. Poe was squealing over some random headline about them being covered in dust. Klaus opened the door for Violet and himself to hop into the backseat of Mr. Poe’s car.

Violet slipped her father’s wallet into her pocket. Might need this later. She thought.

“Mr. Poe there’s no time to explain. You need to give us a ride.” Klaus explained as he sat behind the banker.

“I can’t possibly give you a ride,” he replied through coughs. “I’m running late to the In Auction.”

“That’s where we need to go,” Violet explained.

“I don’t know, dear. The auction is invitation only,” Mrs. Poe explained.

“Our guardian is the one hosting it,” Klaus explained through gritted teeth glaring at Mrs. Poe.

“It is a charitable function, so let’s be charitable,” Mr. Poe told his wife. He turned to Violet and Klaus. “I’ll try and get you in as my guests.”

“Cool. Let’s go,” Violet said irritated.

“Don’t get ashes on the upholstery,” Mrs. Poe commented as Mr. Poe began to drive the car.

Several years before Violet Snicket and Klaus Baudelaire were born, Veblen Hall won the prestigious Door Prize, an award given each year to the city’s best-constructed opening, and if you ever find yourself standing in front of Veblen Hall, as the two half-siblings did that morning, you will immediately see why the committee awarded the shiny pink trophy to the door’s polished wooden planks, its exquisite brass hinges and its gorgeous, shiny doorknob, fashioned out of the world’s second-finest crystal. But the two orphans were in no state to appreciate architectural detail. Violet and Klaus stood in line with the Poes as they slowly walked up the stairs of Veblen Hall.  

If I had been either Violet or Klaus, I probably wouldn’t have entered that auction hall. I would have considered myself lucky to have gotten out of the net suspended in the middle of the elevator shaft and to have escaped Gunther’s evil plan, and I would have fled to some remote corner of the world and hid from Gunther and his associates for the rest of my life rather than risk yet another encounter with the treacherous villain. An encounter, I’m sorry to say, that would only bring more misery into the lives of all the orphans involved. But these two children were far more courageous than I might have been.

“Fuck,” Klaus muttered pointing at the bald man who was checking guests in at the door.

“I got this,” Violet muttered. “Nothing is stopping us. We got this far. Behind that door is our last chance at revealing Gunther’s true identity and his terrible plans.”

“Just past the bald man,” Klaus muttered. “Is our final opportunity to save Sunny and the Quagmires from being smuggled out of the country.”

Violet glanced at Klaus. “And within that hall lies the answer to the mystery of VFD and why the secret hallway led us to the place where your childhood home burned to the ground, burning your parents, and beginning the series of unfortunate events that haunt us wherever we go.”

Klaus looked at Violet as they were getting closer and closer to the front of the line. “Mr. Poe…” Klaus tried. “I need you to bid on an item for us,”

“Oh, I don’t think so. I’m glad you’re showing interest in the activities of your new guardians, Klaus. But I can’t condone spending large sums of money on frivolous items,” he replied sternly in between coughs.

“Look, dear, a wooden spoon with googly eyes!” Mrs. Poe squealed.

“We’ll bid high!” Mr. Poe replied. Violet and Klaus glared at him as the bald man allowed the Poes to enter but put his hand in front of the orphans.

“Halt!” the bald man barked. “You’re not on the list,”

“Olaf wants us captured, right?” Violet asked as Klaus glared at the bald man. “If you let us in…”

“That’s kind of like capturing us,” Klaus added seeing exactly where Violet was going with this.

“I need to think about this,” he replied but Violet and Klaus pushed their ways through. Instantly the two siblings found themselves in the middle of a huge crowd of people in an enormous, fancy room. Veblen Hall had a very high ceiling, a very shiny floor, and one massive window that had won first runner-up for the Window Prize the previous year. Hanging from the ceiling were three huge banners, one with the word ‘In’ written on it, one with the word ‘Auction’ written on it, and one last one, twice as big as the others with a huge picture of Gunther and Esme. Standing on the floor were at least two hundred people, and the children could tell that it was a very in crowd. Almost everyone was wearing pinstripe suits, sipping tall frosty glasses of parsley soda, and eating salmon puffs offered by some costumed waiters from Cafe Salmonella, which had apparently been considered ‘in’ again. The two children may have been in pinstripes, but they were definitely different among the crowd seeing as they were both covered from head to toe from the ashes of the burned remains of the Baudelaire mansion. But the in crowd didn’t seem to pay the children any attention seeing that they were too busy gazing at the far end of the room.

For at the far end of Veblen Hall, underneath the biggest banner and in front of the massive window, Gunther was standing up on a small stage and speaking into a microphone. On one side of him, there was a red herring statue and on his other side was Esme, who was standing and gazing at Gunther as if he were a charming and handsome gentleman instead of a cruel and dishonest villain.

“This red herring fish will be a lovely addition to any home or place of business or, how do you say, dentist office lobby,” Gunther announced. “In old country, fish is called seafood.”

Several hands shot up for bids.

“I hear eight and a half. Eight and a half from Mr. Fellini.”

“I’d like to bid on that red herring for Herring Houdini,” the Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender commented. “Where I work.”

“Sold!” Gunther yelled hitting his auctioneer’s gavel on his post. “To restaurant person for unknown amount to be paid later.”

Klaus and Violet looked at one another. “I don’t get it…” Klaus muttered. “VFD is where he’s hiding them why is he having his henchpeople bid on other items?”

“Maybe a fake-out?” Violet asked. “Maybe he knew we’d escape,”

Klaus shuddered. “I don’t like thinking he’s one step ahead of us,”

“Just follow my lead,” Violet whispered.

“What is the plan anyway? Do we wait for the next lot or confront him right now?”

“I don’t know. We were so focused on getting here that we didn’t think of a plan,” She admitted. “Just...follow my lead,”

The two children watched as the white-faced women pushed the red herring off the stage.

Violet glared at the stage as Gunther was prepared to announce the next lot. Klaus followed her lead and glared daggers at the two villains who stood on the stage. Esme caught wind of the children first, her expression fell.  “Darling,” she whispered. Her eyes glaring back at Violet and Klaus. “The brats are here,”

Gunther looked at her confused and then looked to where she was pointing. Violet and Klaus glared back at the man, who started walking backwards on stage as if thinking what his next move was going to be. Klaus could see his cane in his hand as he walked around the stage.

“Orphans in!” he yelled happily pointing at Violet and Klaus. “It’s okay for the orphans to be here, please,” he replied to Esme. Esme gave him a rather confused look but she nodded her head as she gave the two children a devious smile.

Violet and Klaus looked around for Mr. Poe and his irritating wife.

“We proceed as normal, please, to the crying of Lot 49,” Gunther announced glaring at Violet and Klaus.

“Lot 49,” Violet said happily.

“That’s VFD!” Klaus said back happily.

“We’re not too late,” Violet agreed.

Klaus turned desperately to Mr. Poe. “Can I use my fortune to bid on an item?” he asked.

“Your parents’ will has no provision for public sales,” Mr. Poe explained.

“Can’t you bid on it for us?” Violet asked desperately.

“As a favor?” Klaus cried.

“Our friends’ and sister’s lives depend on it,” Violet explained.

“You shouldn’t use hyperbole, Wine,” Mr. Poe replied. “But...I could make a modest bid. I did receive that promotion,”

“I still don’t know how,” Klaus muttered as Violet elbowed him.

“Don’t insult him, he might help us,” she whispered.

“You still don’t understand how this plays out, do you?” Klaus whispered back. “He isn’t helpful, at all, ever.”

Mr. Poe glanced at the catalog. “Lot 49...VFD?” he read aloud. “What in the world is VFD?”

“It’s a surprise,” Klaus said. “A surprise...I want to get for Sunny when we find her,”

___________________________________________________________________

Larry made sure to keep his face hidden in the small sea of costumed waiters. He had somehow infiltrated Veblen Hall and was waiting for his back up before he did anything. He grabbed his walkie-talkie. “Larry Your-Waiter,” he said. “Did you get past the bouncer?”

“Not yet,” Jacquelyn replied hurriedly. “But he has to let me in. I am on the list,” she said as she walked passed the bald man. “Yessica Haircut,” she called out as she passed him.

_______________________________________________________________________

“Our agents have infiltrated the auction,” Jacques told Olivia. “If we hurry, we can help,”

“I’m already going sixty in a fifty-five zone,”

“Floor it,” he ordered. “This lengthy chronicle of woe and unpleasantness ends today!”

___________________________________________________________________________

Gunther smirked at the crowd, glancing specifically at Violet and Klaus, who glared back at him. “VFD, of course, needs no introduction, as is known all over the world in countries that are foreign and not so foreign.”

Gunther didn’t turn his head but he could hear a harsh slam like a platter being slammed into someone’s face.

“As you see, is prime specimen, this VFD. Very large with a few air holes poked in the top at the last minute,” Gunther commented as Violet and Klaus’ eyes widened. All they could imagine were their two friends and baby sister being utterly terrified that they were going to be smuggled out of the city. “Ladies, please turn the box around on all sides so everyone can see all of the angles.”

“Actually,” Larry said, no longer in his stupid salmon suit. “I identify as a man.” Klaus looked at the waiter happily as if someone was finally helping them rescue Sunny and the Quagmires.

Gunther glared at Larry. “Where is women of advanced age, please? And the other guy? One with, how do you say, alternative fingers?”

“Let’s start the bidding!” Someone in the crowd yelled.

“Yes, Gunther,” Jacquelyn said rushing up to the stage. Giving Violet a kind smile on her way up. “That’s what any legitimate auctioneer would do.”

Esme glared at the two VFD volunteers and gave a nervous glance towards Gunther. Who simply smirked at Jacquelyn. “Very well, please.” Gunther hissed. “Please, What is first bid, please?”

“I bid twenty,” Mr. Poe called out.

“Fifty,” some random woman in the crowd yelled.

“Fifty-five,” Mr. Poe countered.

“We have bid of fifty-five from unhelpful banker,” Gunther announced.

“Sixty!” Mrs. Poe yelled.

“You’re bidding against me, darling.”

“It’d look nice in the powder room,”

Gunther looked at the hopeful faces of Violet and Klaus and decided to have some fun with them. He glanced towards his henchperson indicating that he wanted them to bid on this item.

“Seventy,” the henchperson of indeterminate gender called out.

“Eighty,” Mr. Poe called.

“Ninety,” they countered.

“Oh, goodness. It’s getting expensive.” Mr. Poe told Klaus and Violet. “Are you sure you want VFD?”

“ Please, Mr. Poe.” Klaus pleaded desperately. Violet was too busy counting the money in her father’s wallet.

“Very well then,” Mr. Poe answered. He turned his attention back to Gunther. “One hundred! And that’s my final offer!”

Gunther smiled happily towards the crowd. Klaus’ heart sank as Olaf’s henchperson called out a bid. “One hundred twelve!”

Klaus looked at the box, imagining Sunny and the Quagmires being trapped inside of it. Fuck it. He thought. “One hundred thirteen!” he yelled.

“One hundred nineteen!” the henchperson yelled.

Still counting the money, Violet yelled. “One hundred twenty-one!”

“One hundred twenty,”

Gunther looked at his henchperson unamused as Klaus looked at them confused.

“Darling,” Esme said irritated. “One hundred twenty is less than one hundred twenty-one,”

“It is?”

“Yes!” she hissed.

“Okay, sorry. I bid two hundred.”

Gunther looked like he was about to choke. He glared at his henchperson. The crowd gasped as Klaus looked nervously towards Mr. Poe.

“What do I care? It’s not my money anyway,”

Gunther looked ready to kill his henchperson as Mr. Poe turned to Klaus. “I’m sorry, but I cannot let you bid any higher,” Mr. Poe explained. “I don’t want to spoil you,”

Klaus looked at Mr. Poe worriedly. “Please...you don’t understand.”

“Let someone else have a turn,” Mrs. Poe said.

“I have a bid of two hundred,” Gunther hissed. “Please, from someone who will be yelled at later. Pack it up and take it away, please,” he said but before he could hit his gavel down. A man entered Veblen Hall.

“Not so fast!” he yelled.

Violet and Klaus looked behind them to see who the familiar voice was coming from.

“Jerome?” Esme asked annoyed.

“Yes, darling,” Jerome said as Violet and Klaus smiled at him. “I’m sorry I’m late. I could not get off the sofa this morning. Must have been something I ate,” he said accusingly.

Esme glanced nervously at Gunther.

“Hello, everyone!” Jerome said as he began to walk towards the children. “I am proudly one of the legal guardians of Violet Snicket and Klaus Baudelaire,” he said pointing at each child as he said their names. “In the short time they have been under my care, I have been impressed with their intelligence, their fortitude, and their charm.”

Violet and Klaus looked at one another smiling. “At least in the hours that I was awake,” he noted. “They’re noble children, like their parents.” He reached the two children, putting a gentle hand on one of their shoulders. “Therefore, if they’re interested in a cardboard box with air holes in it. I’m going to do everything I can to make sure they get it.”

“Thank you, Jerome,” Violet replied.

“You don’t know how much this means to my sister and me,” Klaus replied.

“Two hundred and four!” he yelled.

“Jerome. Darling. Love of my life. Don’t be an idiot,” Esme replied. “You don’t know anything about what is going on,” she turned wickedly to Gunther. “Two hundred and five,”

“Esme, love of my life. I am tired of being treated this way,” he said glaring at her softly. “Two hundred and six,’

“Well…” she said smirking. “Maybe I’m tired of you! Two hundred and seven.”

“Maybe I’m tired of both of you! 208!”

“I’m tired of failure and hopelessness in the face of treachery and doom!” Larry yelled. “Two hundred nine!” he glared daggers towards Olaf.

“I’m tired of self-indulgent existential crises and an overabundance of hardcover books!” Olaf replied glaring at Jacquelyn and Larry, not using his disguised voice either.  “Two hundred ten!” He shrugged his shoulders.

Suddenly, the doors of Veblen Hall opened quickly. The crowd gasped as everyone turned to the two people that were entering the auction. “Two hundred twelve!” the man yelled.

Gunther glared at the two adults who had just entered. His eyes focused on the man. He could feel his blood boil. “ Snicket!” He hissed under his breath, glancing over at Violet hoping she didn’t hear him.

“You’re not on the list!” The bald man yelled at Jacques grabbing him by the shoulders. “Two hundred thirteen!”

“I have a splitting headache,” the hook-handed man explained attacking Larry “Two hundred fourteen and a half,”

“I have a degree in welterweight boxing,” Jacquelyn cried attacking the Hook-Handed Man in an attempt to help Larry. “Two hundred fifteen!”

“So do we!” the white-faced women yelled as they grabbed Jacquelyn’s arms pulling them back. “Two hundred sixteen!”

“Why is my secretary fighting with those two old ladies?” Mr. Poe asked. “Two hundred seventeen!”

“Two hundred eighteen that I took from my husband’s wallet!” Esme called out angrily.

“Two hundred nineteen!” Jacques cried from under the bald man’s arm, seeing that Olaf’s henchman grabbed him in a headlock.

“A quarter past eleven!” the Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender cried from under Olivia’s arm, seeing that Jacques’ associate pulled him into a headlock.

Gunther smiled happily towards his henchperson. “I got quarter past eleven from person I no longer have to yell at!” he said. Olivia glared at Gunther in confusion as Klaus looked towards Olaf pissed. “Going once! Going twice!”

Violet’s head shot up. “ONE THOUSAND!” she yelled as she grabbed all of her father’s money, quickly folding it twice to make it look like she had more than she actually had. Klaus looked at her confused.

“What did she say?” Mrs. Poe asked looking over at Violet.

Esme and Gunther looked at one another but ignored Violet. Violet stood up quickly. “I said one thousand!” she yelled again.

Violet glared daggers at the two villains as she held up the wad of money for them to see. She glanced down at Klaus, who looked back at her with a hopeful expression. Violet gave him a small smile. Even if she knew for a fact that she didn’t have that amount, she knew that Sunny was worth so much more than a mere thousand dollars. So were the Quagmires...so was Klaus. They were worth her entire inheritance and then some. Gunther looked at Esme confused pondering what he should do.

“My sister said one thousand, fuck face!” Klaus yelled standing up alongside Violet. Violet showed off a wad of money to the crowd.

“Where in the world did you get that kind of money?” Jerome whispered to Violet. Slightly hoping that he wasn’t expected to pay that much for a cardboard box.

“When my father died, he left me his wallet,” Violet explained.

“Your dad is fucking amazing,” Klaus said happily.

Esme smiled at the wad of money in Violet’s hand as the siblings glared at her. She shrugged her shoulders towards Gunther, offering him a slight nod of the head.

“ The bid is one thousand,” Gunther hissed through gritted teeth glaring at Violet.

“Good grief!” someone in the crowd yelled. “I’m not going to pay more than a thousand for VFD. It’s simply not worth it!”

“It is to us!” Violet stated fiercely.

“ Please...let the pretty orphan give the big money to the pretty lady and then the auction is over!” He hit his auctioneer’s gavel on his podium. Violet shoved the money into her father’s wallet and placed it safely back into her pocket.

“ The only thing that’s over is your horrible plan!” Klaus yelled as he and Violet began to rush the stage.

“ How dare you!?” Gunther hissed at Klaus, tapping his cane on the ground in irritation.

Olaf’s henchpeople looked at one another as Klaus and Violet finally reached the stage. Desperately pulling the tape off the box ignoring Esme holding out her hand awaiting the thousand dollars that Violet had promised her.

“Ah ah ah. You can’t open this box until you give me the money,” Esme pointed out glaring at the children. “ That’s illegal!”  

“ What’s illegal is auctioning off children, you bitch!’ Violet hissed back trying to open the box to show the crowd what she was talking about.

“Not everywhere,” Esme pointed out smiling.

“ Soon this whole room will see that you’ve broken the law and our baby sister and friends are in this box!” Klaus cried desperately pulling at the tape.

Jerome gasped as his eyes got wide. Jacques looked to the stage in utter confusion.

“Sunny and the Quagmires?” Mrs. Poe asked. “Oh, wait until the readers The Daily Punctilio hear about this!”

“Children!” Mr. Poe called to them sternly.

“ Sunny!” Klaus cried. “ Duncan!”

“ Isadora!” Violet cried both siblings desperately trying to open the box.

Gunther had enough. He lifted up his cane and walked toward the orphans. “ Sunny!” He mimicked. “ Quagmires!” he pushed a button on his cane that showed off a small but sharp dagger similar to the one that Sunny had fought against when she sword fought Dr. Orwell during her and Klaus’ stay at Paltryville.

Gunther stabbed the box harshly with his cane. Causing Klaus and Violet to let go of the box and jump back in shock.

“ No!” They both screamed as Gunther used the cane to lift the box into the air. The two half-siblings watched as the box flipped several times in the air. Then as they were prepared to catch the box they watched in horror as Gunther threw his cane at the box causing it to break open.

Gunther and Esme watched as the box erupted with thousands of doilies.

Violet and Klaus watched as the box fell to the ground. Not having a single person inside. Esme cackled as doilies rained on the two unlucky children, who looked at each other in despair and confusion.

Gunther was swinging his cane around, smirking at Klaus and Violet. He didn’t notice that he accidentally hit his left boot.

“ Doilies?!” Violet cried in confusion.

“I-inside the box...were...doilies?” Klaus asked about ready to cry.

Klaus glared daggers at Gunther as Violet looked from the doilies that were still falling around her and her brother.

“Oh, of course, ‘Very fancy doilies’! What else could VFD stand for?” Jerome called up to them from his seat.

Violet looked at Jerome in utter disbelief. She then noticed the man who had randomly walked into the auction hall to help them. Klaus was still busy paying attention to Esme and Gunther. Violet watched as the familiar woman glanced towards the man and he shook his head immediately. He’s with VFD. the real VFD. She thought. She tried to get a better look at the man. For a moment, it seemed to her that he resembled her father.

“Yes, what in the world could VFD stand for, dusty orphans?” Gunther asked mockingly still playing with his cane.

“ Where is she!?” Klaus cried taking a step closer to Gunther. “ Where are my baby sister and my friends!?”

Esme stepped between Klaus and Gunther, unsure of what either one would do. She didn’t want Gunther to murder the young boy in front of so many witnesses. “

Mr. Poe stood up. “Klaus! Plum! I am very disturbed by your behavior! You look like you haven’t washed in a week. You’re spending money on ridiculous items. You’re running around accusing foreign men of being Count Olaf in disguise. And now you’ve made a big mess of doilies on the floor. I would have thought that the Squalors would be raising you better than this!”

“Well, we’re not going to raise them anymore,” Esme said glaring at the two children. “Not after they’ve made such a spectacle of themselves! Mr. Poe, I want these two brats placed out of my care. It’s not worth it to have orphans, even if they’re in!”

“Esme!” Jerome cried. “They lost their parents! Where else would they go?”

“Don’t argue with me, you spineless jellyfish!” she yelled angrily. “And I’ll tell you where they can go! They can go…”

Gunther’s eyes lit up with an idea. “ With me, please!” he said and placed one of his scraggly hands on Klaus’ shoulder. Klaus remembered when this treacherous man used his make-shift grappling hook to carve him like a pumpkin and he began to shake under the vicious man’s touch.

“Get away from him!” Violet warned stepping closer to Klaus and Gunther.

“I am loving of these children,” he said to Mr. Poe, putting a hand on Violet’s shoulder, grabbing her roughly. She watched as the man who looked similar to her father glared daggers at Olaf the second he put a hand on Violet. “I would be very happy, please, to raise two children of my own.”

Esme smirked to Gunther and nodded her head. “Very well then. They are my orphans to giveaway. You may take them off my hands,”

Klaus looked to Jerome for help as Violet glanced at Mr. Poe. Neither adult did anything.

“Can someone, please, help me bring these two lovely orphans, please,” Gunther said. “To my car, please. We can go back to my country…” he leaned into Klaus and Violet’s ears. “Very, faraway. Where no one will hear your screams.” he hissed.

“Yes. Yes. Someone put these children in a long black automobile,” she ordered grabbing Klaus by the wrist. “They’re dirty and their clothes are frayed. ”

Gunther smirked at Klaus and waved at him as Esme began to drag him across the stage. “But so are his!” Violet yelled looking down at Olaf’s left boot.

“Frayed?” Gunther asked. “I’m afraid not,”

Esme began laughing at Gunther’s joke. Gunther laughed with her for only a second as he felt his boot peel apart like a banana. “Woah...I’m a...Oh,” he said nervously.

Violet and Klaus smiled when they realized that Olaf was turned in the correct angle for everyone to see his ankle. “He has a tattoo of an eye on his ankle!” Jerome yelled standing up. “He’s not Gunther! He’s not a foreigner at all!”

“Arrest this man!” Mr. Poe shouted.

“Wait until the readers of The Daily Punctilio read about this!” Mrs. Poe squealed.

The two children heard gasps from the crowd. Esme glanced at Klaus and then at Olaf, who was smiling nervously at the crowd, some of which began to stand up and approach the stage. She let go of Klaus’ wrist and ran up to defend Gunther. He pushed the button of his cane again, pointing the dagger at the crowd.

“Calm down, everyone!” Esme yelled to the crowd. “Don’t blame foreigners for your problems,”

Esme stepped in front of Olaf but he continued to point his dagger at the crowd.

“He’s not a foreigner!” Jerome yelled. “He’s from the same country as we’re in right now!”

“Well that’s no reason to arrest someone!” she countered.

“He’s a criminal! That’s reason enough!” Klaus cried.

“Arrest her, too!” Violet shouted glaring at Esme.

“Klaus Baudelaire is right! He’s the subject of a citywide manhunt! He’s a source of pain and suffering, not to mention hours of negotiations at Mulctuary Money Management!” Mr. Poe commented.

Larry and Jacquelyn started closing in on Olaf as he pointed his dagger at them, they pointed their spyglasses at him. Esme glared at Jacquelyn as Olaf kept looking frantically back and forth from Jacquelyn to Larry to the two orphans were looked ready to murder him. Jacques and Olivia began to slowly walk towards the stage, hoping to not be seen by Olaf.

“Wait!” Esme yelled to the crowd. “Before you rush to judgment,”

“Rush to judgment!?” Klaus cried. “That fucker has our sister!”

“And our friends!” Violet yelled. “And you’re in cahoots with him!”

Jacques looked from Violet and then Esme. Violet glanced at him, they both made eye contact. She didn’t know him but he seemed to believe her. He gave her a slight nod of his head as he took another cautious step towards the stage.

“There’s something I need to share,” Esme said smiling as sweetly as she could. Klaus and Violet looked at one another and glared at Esme and Olaf. “All my life, I’ve climbed the ladder of success armed only with ruthless ambition and a large inheritance. I’ve paid my dues for weeks to become the city’s sixth most important financial advisor, to become this statuesque powerhouse that stands gorgeously before you. I had the whole world at my remarkably small feet...and yet,” she stammered. “I had a feeling there was something...missing.”

Violet and Klaus continued to glare at her as most of the crowd was listening to the bullshit that was spewing from Esme’s mouth. Jerome and Jacquelyn looked like they were even falling for her shit. She turned to Violet and Klaus, offering them a cruel smile. The children watched as her smile faded into a nice, kind one as she addressed the audience. “It wasn’t until I opened my home to two orphans that I realized just exactly what it was,” she said.

“Awwww,” the crowd replied, even though Violet and Klaus knew damn well she wasn’t talking about them.

“ It was Count Olaf!” she squealed happily. There were tears in her eyes. Olaf smirked at the crowd removing his ridiculous monocle and set off fake teeth to disguise his disgusting, putrid smile.  He winked at Jerome as Esme continued to praise him. “He’s a genius! He’s a wonderful acting coach! He’s back in my life after many lonely and successful years, helping me pursue single-minded, cold-hearted, perhaps slightly overzealous revenge!” she paused. “My boyfriend, Count Olaf! The handsomest, innest man in town!”

“H-how can you say that?” Jerome asked sadly. “You’re my wife! And besides, ruthless kidnappers aren’t in!”

Count Olaf smirked first at Jerome. Then he turned his gaze towards Violet and Klaus. “How right you are!” He said smirking. “We’re not in! We’re out! Out of the city, that is! ” He grabbed Esme’s arm hurriedly. “Come on, Esme!”

“Don’t let the despicable man escape for a sixth time!” Mr. Poe cried from his seat.

“Don’t let him escape with Sunny and the Quagmires!” Klaus pleaded.

“Again!” Violet yelled. She took another step closer to Olaf. He pointed his cane at her. “What you gonna do?” she asked. “You can’t kill me,” she smirked towards Olaf as she took another step towards him.

He and Esme backed up worriedly. Esme was looking at him. “Just stab the brat,” she whispered.

He growled, seeming to weigh his options.

“It’s all over for you, Olaf!” Larry yelled stepping in front of Violet.

He pointed his dagger at Larry. Before he could stab Larry, Jacquelyn took a step closer to him from behind. “Veblen Hall is the end of the line!” Jacquelyn yelled.

Olaf gently pushed Esme away from Jacquelyn and stepped in front of her to shield her from the VFD volunteers who were coming to the stage. Jerome, Jacques, and Olivia glared at Olaf as the Larry and Jacquelyn were closing in on him. Even Violet and Klaus were doing their best to help the adults capture him.

Olaf looked worried until Esme caught a newspaper being flung at her from the paperboy. She read the headline and smirked to herself. “ Perfect,” she whispered. “I got this, dear.” She unfolded the paper towards the crowd. She screamed loudly to get their attention. “ Veblen Hall out! Milton Friedman Hall in!” she yelled.

The two villains watched in confusion as the crowd gasped and began to exit their seats in a hurry to leave Veblen Hall rather than arresting two terrible villains and saving three unfortunate orphans. Klaus and Violet watched the crowd. “No!” they cried.

Olaf and Esme looked at one another and shared a devious smile. Jacques had enough. He started trying to push past the crowd of vapid rich people to reach the stage. In a matter of seconds, he realized this attempt was pointless. He sighed, glancing at Violet one last time before turning to Olaf. He could see that Olaf was taking the opportunity to use the VFD tunnels to escape from Veblen Hall. He looked ready to cry as he glanced back at Olivia. “We better clear out before we’re swimming upstream,” he said.

“What?” Olivia asked. “What about Olaf?”

“I know where to find him. Veblen Hall might be the end of the line, but it’s the start of a tunnel.” Jacques explained. “Hurry to the taxi,”

“But what about Violet…?” she asked glancing at Violet and Klaus who were rushing towards the tunnel entrance hurriedly.

“Jacquelyn will give us her location,” he called out as he ran out of Veblen Hall.

“Shouldn’t we take them with us?” Olivia asked but she followed Jacques hurriedly.

Once he was in the tunnels, Olaf used his cane to lock everyone else out. He and Esme began to cackle loudly as they ran down one of the tunnels happily. Jacquelyn and Larry tried their best to pry the entrance open but with no luck.

“They have Sunny,” Klaus cried as he looked at the Poes.

“They have the Quagmires,” Violet cried.

“But you said the Quagmires and Sunny were inside that box of doilies,” Mrs. Poe responded.

“I guess that wasn’t his plan after all,” Violet admitted meekly.

“That wasn’t his plan,” Jacquelyn told Larry, standing only three feet behind the two orphans.

“It was a red herring,” Klaus realized sadly.

“It was a red herring,” Larry reiterated to Jacquelyn.

Simultaneously, the two orphans’ heads shot up as the two volunteers heads’ shot up. “Red herring!” Violet and Klaus cried.

“Red herring!” Jacquelyn and Larry cried.

The four ran as fast as they could out of the Veblen Hall.

The words ‘red herring’ does not only refer to a type of foraging fish that may have a crimson hue due to being smoked or painted with excessive nail polish. They can also refer to a distracting or misleading clue, such as a box marked VFD that had nothing to do with a secret organization or a pair of kidnapped triplets and a kidnapped toddler.

For instance, if I told you that two brave and noble volunteers were giving chase to Count Olaf and his kidnap victims.

“By George!” Larry cried.

“Heavens to Betsy!” Jacquelyn cried as they both glanced around looking for any of Olaf’s horrid associates.

That would be a red herring, because it would imply that Olaf was about to be captured, which, I’m sorry to say, was not the case.

Violet and Klaus reached the front steps of Veblen Hall in time to see Olaf’s black car with a red herring statue tied to the top of it speeding away from the scene of the crime.

If I told you the city’s most prominent journalists and banking vice presidents were also giving chase that would be a red herring.

“Wait until the readers of The Daily Punctilio hear about whatever just happened!” Mrs. Poe squealed as Mr. Poe chuckled.

That would imply the Quagmires and Sunny Baudelaire were about to be rescued, which I’m sorrier to say was also not the case.

“ Sunny!” Klaus yelled desperately. “ Duncan!”

“ Isadora!” Violet yelled desperately. “ Sunny!”

And if I told you that Violet Snicket and Klaus Baudelaire were about to be offered a safe home, that would be a red herring, too.

“Violet!” Jerome yelled kindly. “Klaus! It’s not safe for you to chase after a dangerous villain or her boyfriend,”

“We need to rescue Sunny and the Quagmires,” Violet cried as tears formed in her eyes.

“Let the authorities handle Olaf. It’s a city-wide manhunt,” Jerome explained.

“ That fucker was here the whole time and the authorities didn’t notice!” Klaus yelled miserably, wiping tears from his eyes.

“Don’t be hard on them,” Jerome said softly. “You didn’t recognize Olaf until it was too late.”

Klaus looked at Jerome angrily. Shaking his head. He opened his mouth to argue but for once, he agreed with Jerome. There was no need to argue. But Klaus didn’t decide to argue because he simply hated arguing...he just knew whatever he said wouldn’t be taken seriously and he didn’t want to waste his breath arguing with his kind, but ineffectual guardian.

“But I am awake now, from Esme’s treachery,” Jerome said angrily. “And after a very long nap, and I’m still your guardian. And from now on, I promise you can forget all about Count Olaf,”

Violet and Klaus looked at him in disbelief. “ We will never forget about him.” Violet hissed miserably.

“ We’ll never forget Sunny or the Quagmires,” Klaus cried.

“We have to rescue them,” she pleaded. “And find the truth about the underground tunnel between your elevator and Klaus and Sunny’s old home.”

“And whatever the fuck VFD is,” Klaus added. “We have to track down Olaf and learn all the secrets he’s keeping from us.”

“We’re not going to track down Olaf,” Jerome said sternly, shuddering at the thought. “We’ll be lucky if he doesn’t track us down. As your guardian, I cannot allow you to try to find such a dangerous man. Wouldn’t you rather live safely with me?” he asked in a pleading tone.

Violet and Klaus looked at one another.

“Yes,” Violet admitted. “But our baby sister and our friends are in grave danger. We must go and rescue them.”

Jerome sighed. “You are in far too much danger, children. I know you’re worried about your sister and friends. But let other people track down Olaf. Let me keep you safe!”

“ Nowhere is safe with Olaf at large,” Klaus pointed out.

“We’ll never be happy if our friends and baby sister are in danger,” Violet cried.

“We are going to find them and you can help us,” Klaus said.

Jerome frowned at the kids.

“ Please,” Violet begged.

Jerome sighed. “If you’ve made up your mind, then you’ve made up your mind,” he said looking towards the ground. “I’ll tell Mr. Poe to find you two a new guardian,”

Klaus looked utterly disappointed. “You mean...you won’t help us? You’re abandoning Violet and me when we need you the most?” he asked.

He sighed again. Pulling each child into a tight hug, giving them a quick kiss on the forehead. “You children are very dear to me,” he said, tears forming in his eyes. “I wish I had your courage. Your mother always said I wasn’t brave enough,” he chuckled. “I guess she was right.” He frowned. “She was also right about Esme only marrying me for my underground tunnel.” He patted the two orphans on the shoulder. “I wish you two the best of luck. I think you’re going to need it.”

The two siblings watched in amazement as Jerome walked away, not even looking back at the two orphans he was leaving behind. As if they didn’t truly matter to him after all. They found their eyes brimming with tears once more as they watched him disappear from his sight. They would never see the Squalor penthouse again, or spend another night in their bedrooms, or spend another moment with Jerome going around town reminiscing the good ol’ days when their parents were alive. Though he was not as dastardly as Esme or Count Olaf, Jerome was still an ersatz guardian, because a real guardian is supposed to provide a home, with a place to sleep and something to wear, and all Jerome had given the two siblings in the end was a simple ‘Good luck’. Jerome reached the end of the block and turned left and with that Violet and Klaus were once again all alone in the world.

Klaus sat down on the steps of Veblen Hall bursting into tears. “Are we cursed?” he asked.

“Well, if we are...we get it from our mother,” Violet joked but Klaus didn’t laugh. She sat down next to him.

“Are we so hard to love?” he asked looking at her. Violet frowned. “Are we so hard to help? To take care of? To protect?”

She sighed. “No,” Violet replied. “Cause I’m going to do all that and more,”

“What about you?” he asked.

“What about me?” she asked confused.

“If you’re busy saving everybody...who saves you?”

“Well, for starters I have the world’s best little brother and sister, for that,” she said. “And two amazing friends.”

“All you have...is me,”

“And you have me,”

“You have the short end of this stick,”

“I disagree,” Violet said. “But even if it that were true...I’m the eldest. I have to make sacrifices.”

He rolled his eyes as he glanced down at the yellow hair ribbon that Violet tied to his wrist.

Violet sighed, staring down the street in the direction that Olaf’s henchpeople went. “I hope my inventing skills don’t fail me,” she said after a minute. “Because going to need more than good luck to rescue the Quagmires and Sunny.”

Klaus sighed, staring down the street in the direction where the ashy remains of his childhood home once stood. “I hope my research skills don’t fail me,” he said. “Because we’re going to need more than good luck to solve the mysteries that surround the Snicket and Baudelaire names.”

“And Quagmire,” Violet added.

“And Quagmire,” Klaus agreed.

Violet Snicket glanced down at her younger brother with a faint smile. She smiled because she didn’t think her inventing skills would fail and she believed that Klaus’ research skils wouldn’t fail them either. Klaus looked up at his sister, offering her a faint smile in return. He hadn’t known her for long but he knew that she wouldn’t fail him. No matter how many misfortunes had befallen the children and no matter how many ersatz things they would encounter in the future, the two orphans knew they could rely on each other for the rest of their lives, and this, at least, felt like one thing in the world that was real and true.