#all the rest have been trash
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#the nba trade rumors is the worst part about summer#the only plausible trade i've seen for zach is the simons sharpe number 3 pick#all the rest have been trash
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that fucking flower i hate
#writing chara is hard and im probably not great at it#im also still never sure of if i should draw flowey crying#im not sure if he expresses that way#anyway whatever#also if it wasnt clear the first one is a joke#if i want i will draw flowey replacing all that trash back down on the floor to cancel it out#anyway#thinking about flowey DOES fuck me up still#you accidentally kill yourself and take your best friend in the world with you#and its your fault. you disobeyed their judgement. it would have been so easy#but you aren't allowed to just die about it#instead your forced to live out the rest of your infinite life in the form of the thing they loved most#every day a reminder of what you did#anyway sorry#dami's art#undertale#utdr#undertale fanart#flowey#flowey the flower#chara dreemurr#chara undertale#asriel#asriel dreemurr
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I opened Pinterest for the first time in months.
That made me realize a lot about how bad I was actually doing and how much of a Waffle House Index use of Pinterest is for adult me, apparently.
I hadn’t realized it had grown that foundational to me in a healthy-brain-exercise-and-hobby-joy way. Nice to know moving forward! It’s another sign I can keep track of and use to spot correlation/indicator patterns earlier my behavior.
I love this kind of thing, it makes me so excited!
#personal data hacking is my passion#someday I’ll tell a story about the most notable times I tracked things or hacked my own mental processes from childhood to now#including the fear of spiders and bed wetting and behavior changes and posture and heart rate and cursive and putting kitchen items and#trash away as soon as I’m finished using them instead of never ever or ages and ages later#I’m so proud of that#you have to give it time and still commit. chaining thoughts and routines and behaviors really works#we are not separate brains and bodies and external environments#anyway I’m gonna go haha I used up he last of my energy burst on Discord and here and I need to go rest and lie on the floor and probly doze#love you all be back soon bye mwah!#add to journal#trauma evolution#my Waffle House index#this is going to be a fun new tag I’m so going to have fun with this and I bet it’ll be a helpful example reference for other people too#more than just for future me!#so excited so proud of myself so happy so grateful for hope about me really trusting that my ability and my behavior and my performance#are able to and going to yes keep getting better#long many-milestone path-journeys of potential#like when I was a little 6-7 year old kid-team athlete looking ahead at a concept of a future with me over time getting#stronger and cleverer and faster and slicker and calmer and even happier and more and more capable and able to accomplish!#a gift. all this time I didn’t think I’d have and have been living anyway is such a gift.#knowing that I truly have future time to grow and explore and change and improve in even though I still can’t FEEL or IMAGINE that future#time yet. also a gift.#the time I will one day realize I can imagine a future and imagine myself alive? will be a gift.#breath is a gift. experiencing life is a gift. other life is a gift. rhythm is a gift. motion is a gift. awake is a gift. color is a gift.#such a great expanse. all of it new. all of it eternal. all of it me. all of it nothing I’ve ever known before. all of it all of it#all of it. gifts.#gonna go have floor time now. this would be such a nice time to re-re-regain my ability to cry!#mwah I love you future me. take care of your hand and thank u for writing all this down 💛#hey little star whatcha gonna queue?#my poetry
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yeah sure that's how i'll [re]come out
#zymart#zymtalk#rant in the tags ->#okay listen to me this is really important and also i have a witness. this was not intentionally supposed to be posted on june 1st#the stars just aligned for this to be at its funniest. which means its also easier for me to dismiss LOL#i drew this like a week ago after trying to draw a whole like. 5 page comic about it and then stopping it mid-board#bc it was horrifying imagining being perceived that much. so i needed to make it into a joke instead and this was the funniest route#and then i was like 'UGH. UGH!!!! i can not be 20 and deal with this like im 13. if i dont post it by the end of the week#then [the witness to all my rants on this topic. shoutout to twig bc they got the most of it] can joke abt it as if i did anyway'#and now its the end of the week and i looked at the date and went 'oh my god didnt may just start what happened'#'WAIT ITS JUNE FIRST. GOD. THATS TOO FUNNY TO NOT SAY SOMETHING' and who am i if i dont prioritize the bit honestly#in all honesty. kinda hate it! not bc of internalized homophobia but actually bc of internalized arophobia that has somehow been emphasized#after having my brain shift from '1000% aromantic without a doubt no exceptions' to 'just arospec ig lol??'#but tragically as it turns out. you can not just try and self analyze yourself into speedrunning closure.#horrible news for the oscar zymstarz community frankly#SO i needed a way 2 justify shoving this off my plate and into the trash as fast as possible.#im impatient and cant acknowledge my own emotions. its a flaw im working on it#oh and for all the ppl who know the running gag abt 'my allegations' [i do not have any real allegations for anyone not in jems server]:#that was in fact just a running gag for like well over a year and a half. like that was just a long running bit COMPLETELY unrelated to thi#i only started having this weird sexuality shift or whatever not too long ago lol. like long enough to go through 4 of the 5 stages of grie#[evidently bc like. im posting this. i got close enough to 5 to throw in the towel ykwim]#but on 'oscar zymstarz emotional acknowledgement' time that is....... not long.#but yeah ig tldr like. still ace [thank god] just arospec [probably demiro? i hate trying to figure out my own labels] instead of Aro now#idk none of this is that deep but also like it kinda is unfortunately bc i have to actually talk abt it to be able to ignore it ykwim#but i did! we're done talking abt it now! and now i can act like i dont care and try to make jokes about it to speedrun the rest of it#anyway. Happy Pride everyone. Fukign kitty.#side message to jem. by no means does this mean im not still gonna bully you. its a sign of love but also it is you specific bullying 🫶#you are not safe#edit: this is karma for saying 'thank god'. might be demiace too. this is the worst month of my life /j
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first week back at school and ahhhhhh everything is a little overwhelming currently
- my living space is full of boxes i have simply not had the energy to unpack at all.... hopefully this weekend (but i have also been invited to a Social Event so WE SHALL SEE)
- this school year is going to have So Much Important Stuff happening inbetween the many weeks of practice placement
- such as The Academic Text
- AND i need to finish the big project i was supposed to have finished ages ago
- our teacher this year speaks swedish with a very thick french accent and i speak norwegian with a dialect, we really struggle to understand one another but maybe hopefully that will change over time.... please...........
- i'm stressed about Stupid Bureaucracy Stuff
- and im so so sleepytired :(((
- and it's too humid and warm for comfort :(((((
AT LEAST I HAVE CUTE SOCKS
purchased in a distraught jetlag haze and subsidized by my travel insurance. they're my favourites now
#swedenquest#everything happens so much :(((#but i will be okay...!!!!!!!! no unsolicited advice please#in fact i have been given resources for metacognitive therapy to fight my brain demons and im excited to get more into that#but also how am i supposed to read anything under these circumstances.#tomorrow is self study day and if i wasn't so stressed about Big Project I would've made myself stay at home and rest/unpack#ill simply have to compromise. sleep a little bit longer; couple hours of tinkering at school#take it easy but take it!!!!#also god i was first out to have kitchen cleaning responsibilities this week#which isnt Hard u just need to run the break room dishwasher and take out the trash BUT#the trash bags are the worst quality trash bags i have ever encountered. they tore at my touch.#i tried so hard to remove the trash from the trash cans in a neat and professional manner but it all kept falling apart#and next thing you know there's coffee grounds all over the floor and everyone looks at you with pity#i got some help but it was so stressful and Bad#and there's someone in the 2nd year who keeps emptying the dishwasher even tho it's not their turn and I WOULD DO IT IF U WAITED FIVE MINUT#they did this all the time last year too and it's like. i get that they're stressed out by dishes in the sink or whatever i really do get i#but it's really messing with the system and like... teaching everyone else to not contribute??? because they don't even get to??#AND i lost at minigolf with like 20 more points than everyone at my team#which i genuinely wouldn't mind except i dragged the average score down so bad we could never have won anything#FIRST WEEK OF SCHOOL GOING FINE
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LIVE TONITE ❗
flyer i made for the Bulletproof Bandits band au i’ve been talking a lot about with @awrestlinggirlwholoves80sbands <3
#bulletproof bandits#oc: the gang's all here#they remind me of måneskin a lot but i think they would sound like new york dolls or something like that#i feel like russell would have a similar voice to david johansen#even though i always imagined him to love nu metal so he could sound like dez fafara as well#maybe both if thats even possible? i dunno#either way their music is a trash fire lmao so the line up is: russell as singer amd lyricist frankie as guitarist dylan as the drummer and#for no rhyme or reason i just thought that russell had to be the singer#and dylan the drummer of course and then i decided the rest#viktor couldve been the guitarist just like mick but he strikes me more as a peter steele kinda guy#and frankie... well they give me thomas raggi vibes being all quiet and underrated but a monster at the guitar
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Just some post Re4 Remake down time
#re4#re4make#leon kennedy#ashley graham#they all deserve some rest#a good shower#and to watch trash tv to take their minds off that hellhole#anyhow i have also been busy playing more of re4(remake) bc i havent finished it yet still#real life coming between me and my true love (rip) and yep-still fun af#art#zkretchy#so yeah i am basically dropping this while i wait for my food to be done#to then return to playing more~#resident evil 4 remake#luis sera#luis serra#re4remake
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operation "how much estrogen leeway do we have" has commenced and it's only been 2 days but i'm so frustrated my muscles are still acting like they've been through a marathon
#the past month has been trash and i've spent sooo many work days at home already this year#operation estrogen might fail which would leave us in an interesting place bc idk what the fuck he's gonna try next#except for a more radical surgery#which like. i'm down but endo seems to never get properly treated on surgery alone#though i guess mine might be if they surgically remove everything necessary to get rid of my periods#i'm just like#so frustrated by the way this takes time#and my endo is still like. comparatively not bad. and i've not struggled with it that long#relatively speaking#hiding from work helps a tad until i then have to return to work after an absence#i feel guilty about not being at work but i also just really want to have arms that don't feel like lead#i want to have energy for one after work activity once in a while#and like. my doctor is determined to get me there#they all keep telling me that it is important that i'm good and not just surviving#i'm just really tired#and i have to speak to the counselor tomorrow which#is good and mature but i truly don't fucking want to#i have fridays off to 'get more rest' but like#i do one thing on the weekend and it knocks me the fuck out#traitorous goddamn body#we shall see what the counselor says before i message my endo doctor agAIn but i don't think i'm any more capable of working full weeks#now than i was 4 weeks ago#i haven't worked a full week in the 6 weeks since school came back#rip to me#😔#some day my whiny text posts will be but a memory#i say as if i have any faith
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Why are there so many tasks inside of a task
#I need to go to the grocery store that is my main task#but I have to empty out my trash first since I need to drive to the dumpster#okay so I do that well then I need to scoop litter and then I need to sweep#bc that all needs to go in the trash#and oh I should get any stuff that’s gone bad out of my fridge#oh I guess I have to do dishes now too#well fuck I notice there are ants in my apartment that got into my sugar dish#okay well I need to empty and clean that and then spray down the area for ants#okay then I need to clean that up and I guess I’ll just wipe down the rest of the counter#ITS BEEN IVER AN HOUR I STILL HAVEMT LEFT FOR THE STORE BC OF ALL THE SMALL TASKS INSIDE THIS ONE TASK
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cant believe i cant aoki cosplay anymore my fucckinnnn dress shirt turned grey
#snap chats#'snap do you only own one white dress shirt' leave me ALONE#the rest of my dress shirts are all patterned or Not White#we like variety.... BUT ALSO //YELLS//#never in my life has the dryer at my moms bled colors before#and its not like i havent washed these clothes together before.....#her dryer kinda sucks highkey its been trash for years but i think its on its last legs#cause ive tried drying these shits for the past like. Day and they're still sopping#i aint done nothin different than what i usually do..... annoyin as hell...#whats ALSO annoyin is that i have to buy a new shirt </3#this is a devastating day for the two people that enjoyed me dressing up as aoki <- didnt plan on dressing as aoki again anytime soon
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Every time I rewatch some episode of Boueibu HK I wonder again how the staff even planned this season. Like. Almost nothing meaningful happens with the characters
TLDR the characters with the most developement in HK are the monsters
Kyoutarou is there as a complete contrast to Yumoto while keeping the battle speeches so his characterization doesn't make much sense. Nanao is mere fujoshi bait. Taiju and Taishi have random bits of dialogue that hint at possible arcs for s2 but not enough to tell us what it really is. Maasa has an unfinished arc in his episode, where supposedly he's putting fatty butter in his cookies to make everyone else overweight because he resents Ichiro not defending him when they were little, but then his friends tell him it's fine and then he can move on??? This would work with Ichiro's theme of not wanting to be immature or dense anymore, except they only ever used this theme as a gag (misunderstanding the meaning of whatever the others have said) or to straight up humilliate him (ep4) and continue treating him like a stupid baby. At the end of the season Maasa and him have made peace somehow and that's it. Ata gets in my opinion the closest thing to a complete arc, even if it's just staring angrily at Kyoutarou for ten episodes, then explaining his problem while fighting him and finally getting his apology and reconcilliation. At least it's something. And poor Ryouma is just there to be the butt of a few jokes about how he lets Nanao and Kyoutarou use him, be in a couple of cute shippy scenes, and also for Ata to completely dismiss him from the flashbacks to the point where if they had first met in high school nothing would've changed.
The relationships barely have developement either. Love had anime episodes and manga chapters dedicated to the different close friendships solving their conflicts and becoming closer. There were also many instances of seeing how close the Hakone brothers-defense club and Beppu brothers' relationships were, and even though they didn't have any conflict between themselves, they made them strong sides for the final fight. Yumoto didn't get a character arc but through the entire anime he was revealed to be strong, considerate, forgiving and mature, willing to kindly befriend the Beppu twins for his brother but not let them walk all over him; contrary to how he was presented in the first episodes, like a stereotypical magical girl protagonist. Anyway in HK there's no meaningful conflict between any of them besides Kyoutarou and Ata. Taishi and Ichiro argue constantly but don't show to genuinely like each other after all like IoRyuu or EnAtsu did. Ichiro and Maasa never make any progress to be together again, Maasa hints once at liking Taishi and nothing comes from it, and Nanao and Taiju have the most artificial friendship in the cast that I just do not understand. They just ran an ice cream shop once with again unexplained success and make sassy remarks at each other ever since. And I guess Karurusu and Furanui had a bit of developement thanks to Kyou and Ata in ep12. Idk about the aliens, this time it's like they didn't do it completely well but also not as bad as with the rest of the cast. Maybe bc they didn't appear as much as the humans in most of the episodes
I'm realizing now that a few of these complaints are related to Nanao acting weird
Idk where to put this but I'd like to point out Kinshiro's principles of halting the fight with the Battle Lovers as soon as he finds out that the s1 conflict was set up for a reality show and actively defending them from an attack because they're Binan students, despite still not having received his apology from Atsushi. Ata might've done the same if the HK finale's events had gone in the same order (travelling to Honyalaland to fight Wao, then Kyoutarou apologizing to Ata), but he doesn't feel as a character as deep as Kinshiro in that sense bc they didn't really show him to be in other ways.
Love feels more like an actual group of people while HK feels like they were filling in friendship group roles or something
#boueibu#binan koukou chikyuu bouei bu happy kiss!#marine talks#sleepy rant might delete later#this is all talking about what happens in canon not what could happen in fanwork#how do y'all write kyou correctly in fics with how little sense he makes in canon? props to everyone that does this#anyway pls tell me i'm wrong bc i'm unimpressed abt all this#i get that some media don't need character developement bc it's not the point#but boueibu has proven that it worked well with the rest of the material so what happened with hk?#i haven't written in so long i constantly shift between wanting to write and to throw my fics in the trash#well writing this post made me wanna write a proper story for hk#this rant is all messy bc it's just thought vomiting but whatever#sorry#problem is love has a lot more media than hk but even if we just had s1 to compare i think that might've still been better in this sense#i think the only time ata has talked to ryouma directly was when he yelled at him for defending kyou in ep11. very close friendship i see#i'd say even ranmaru and juka in f-ran have more character developement than some of the guys in hk#i'm still mad about the way ichiro got humilliated in ep4 and didn't defend himself and there were no consequences#good friends don't do that to you! like please edelstein are the angry bad guys and still treat each other better than the defense club do
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Signal Hill Word Count - 01/25/2023
With code: 58,875
Without code: 56,030
#i just checked and i was like 'wow over 54k? crazy! wait... i've never checked it without code!'#basically with foundations i used to run a quick regex in microsoft word to remove all the code (because i code as i write)#but i had never tried that with signal hill. partially cause it's so long that it crashed microsoft word online when i copy pasted it lol#libre office has trash search and replace. idk why the regex isn't working right in that program#but i found an online code editor for testing regex and used that to remove all the code#so that's all passage tags and anything inside a macro#and it was still over 50k! which i was happy with#but then i remembered that i had yet to add the stuff i've written that hasn't been imported to vscode yet!#which was like 4k words#so altogether! over 55k without code!!!!!#this game is officially the length of a short novel#it probably won't break 70k before the demo is released but we shall have to see#plenty of location descriptions left to write lol#and the rest of yasmin's scene which is only at 3k but is probably less than a third done? i'm working on it#i need to give my girl a real showstopping intro#WOW RAMBLING IN THE TAGS MUCH#update#word count
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Ok so upon consulting some friends it has become clear that I should try to get this video sent before 5 pm today. No sims for me until after it's done. I also need to clean, but I think I can finish all of the essential things in an hour's work or so. Won't be spotless, but so long as it's an acceptable amount of clutter, then it'll have to do.
And then I will start practicing. Scales should be easy enough. Just gotta warm up and all. The song is the tricky part, bc I have no idea what to do yet 😭 but I'm gonna look in my folders and if there's nothing that would work playing solo that would ALSO not be too hard to play after only a few hours of practicing, then I will look in my music books. There's Gotta be a relatively simple solo piece in there.
I may be wildly out of practice, but I WAS the 4th best violinist in my high school, once upon a time. My wrist may be stiff and my fingers unpracticed, but the muscle memory's gotta still be in there somewhere. Just gotta have faith in that.
#speculation nation#but FIRST... i need to clean bslbfms#i just finished breakfast. so im gonna get to that.#i cleaned my toilet yesterday and Wow it's kind of crazy how clean it is. like the bowl is actually white. forgot it looked like that#(says the slob who cleans very very rarely)#i clean the seat more often at least. just bc i dont like sitting on dirty things hfkshfkd#but. hmm. i gotta take out all the trash. including small trash cans. & including the mass of takeout bags that have accumulated in my room.#i gotta declutter my bathroom counter and the kitchen counters. maybe sweep the floors a little too.#and then load up the more recent dishes and wash the dishes that cant go in the dish washer.#ive actually been mostly keeping up with loading the dish washer bit by bit instead of letting dirty dishes accumulate.#so there r only a few things to put in the dish washer. yay!!#im not going to worry about decluttering my room. my plan is to sit in my room when they come in#to exude social pressure of You Can Peek but Dont Come In My Room.#bc ppl r less likely to come into the bedroom if someone is actually there. in my experience at least.#theres nothing i can do about how cramped the apartment is. it's definitely a strange look but like. whatever#theres a reason im moving (several reasons) & it includes the fact that this place is Too Small for me now.#yes im a 20 something with an apartment absolutely stuffed with furniture.#such is the happenstance when ur dad dies relatively early & u end up getting a majority of his furniture.#so. well. so long as i can appear like im Trying to take care of this rat's nest. that'll have to be good enough.#ugh. i dont want to clean. and i dont want to rush finishing this video audition either.#but such is social pressure and the desire to achieve my dreams...!!!!!#my reward for finishing both things will be to play the sims 2 uninterrupted for the rest of the night.#probably gonna be mostly building. maybe ill put on a podcast or smth heheh#embracing my mostly neglected interest in architecture via elaborate sims 2 house building.#man in another world i couldve been an architect. but i just had to decide to go into computers instead 🙄#oh well at least itll pay good lol
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How does one promote their commissions without coming off as an annoying e-begging pestering little shit
#moving out would be so nice#i hate living with my brother#i would like to live closer to my friends#and not in the middle of nowhere with nowhere to fucking go or walk to because theres no sidewalks#and not have to be hoveled up in my room all day because the rest of the house is a mess due to my brother not cleaning up after himself#and be able to actually cook proper food because the stove isn't covered in trash#and for some reason be expected to clean all of it even though its 95% not mine#anyway#today has been fine.
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I've always had chronic fatigue. I remember being twelve, and an adult mentioned how I couldn't possibly know how tired they felt because adulthood brought levels of exhaustion I couldn't imagine. I thought about that for days in fear, because I couldn't remember the last time I didn't feel tired.
Eventually I came to terms with the fact that I was just tired, and I couldn't do as many things as everyone else. People called me lazy, and I knew that wasn't true, but there's only so many times you can say "I'm tired" before people think it's an excuse. I don't blame them. When a teenager does 20 hours of extracurriculars every week and only says "I'm too tired" when you ask them to do the dishes, it's natural to think it's an excuse. At some point, I started to think the same thing.
It didn't matter that I could barely sit up. It was probably all in my head, and if I really wanted to, I could do it.
When I learned the name for it, chronic fatigue, I thought wow, people that have that must be miserable, because I am always tired and I cannot imagine what it would feel like if it were worse.
Spoiler alert, if you've been tired for a decade, it's probably chronic fatigue.
Once I figured that out though, I thought of my energy as the same as everyone else's, just smaller in quantity. And that might be true for some people, but I've figured out recently that it absolutely isn't true for me.
I used to be like wow I have so much energy today I can do this whole list for sure! And then I'd do the dishes and have to lay down for 2 hours. Then I'd think I must gave misjudged that, I didn't have as much energy as I thought.
But the thing is - I did have enough energy for more tasks, I just didn't go about them properly.
With chronic fatigue, your maximum energy is obviously much smaller than the average person's. Doing the dishes for you might use up the same percentage of energy that it takes to do all the daily chores for someone else.
If someone without chronic fatigue was to do all the daily chores, they would take breaks. Because otherwise, they're sprinting a marathon for no reason and it would take way more energy than necessary. We have to do the same.
Put the cups in the dishwasher, take a break. Put the bowls in, take a break. So on and so forth. This may mean taking breaks every 2-5 minutes but afterwards, you get to not feel like you've run a marathon while carrying 4 people on your back.
Today, I had a moderate amount of energy. Under my old system of go till you drop, I probably could have done most of the dishes and wiped off the counter and then been dead to the world for the rest of the day.
Under the new system, I scooped litter boxes, cleaned out the fridge, took the trash out, cleaned the stove, and wiped off the counter and did all the dishes. And after all that, I still had it in me to make a simple dinner, unload the dishwasher, and tidy the kitchen.
It was complete and utter insanity. Just because I sat down whenever I felt myself getting more tired than I already was.
All this to say, take fucking breaks. It's time to unlearn the ceaseless productivity bullshit that capitalism has shoved down our throats. Its actively counterproductive. Just sit down. Drink some water. Rest your body when it needs to rest.
There will still be days where there is nothing to do but rest, and days where half a load of dishes is absolutely the most I can do. But this method has really helped me minimize those, which is so incredibly relieving.
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Reasons why that character who kicked your whole party's ass all up and down the street that one time you fought them is about as strong as the other player characters when you recruit them later:
Allergy season
Self-conscious about performing alongside others
When you fought them they were, like, really well rested
Pulled a muscle during your battle with them and spends the whole rest of the game recovering
They're been working on their anger management issues lately and really feel like they're making a lot of progress
Their build is so over-optimised for fighting parties of 3–5 nosy adventurers that it's honestly kind of trash against anything else
They were on so many drugs when you fought them, like you would not believe how many drugs they were on
Their soul-devouring demon blade is in the shop having its hilt refurbished
Just not feeling it right now
Union rules
#gaming#video games#tabletop roleplaying#tabletop rpgs#tropes#violence mention#drugs mention#swearing
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