#all of this is out of my control! i literally cannot change anything all i can do is my job!! i cannot manage anybody elses feelings

[beautifel]

i. hate that i cant ignore any longer how fucked up i am

[abyssaldyke]

Something id very much like to be better at is not living in absolute terror of somebody leaving at any job even when my work won't be impacted bc of potential stress changes to The Vibe which is something I cannot control and wish I was not so beholden to

[chooey]

just finished breaking bad

[reasonsforhope]

I don't know who needs to hear this, but especially with the end of the school year coming up soon, and a bunch of people about to leave high school or about to leave college, I just wanted to say:

Being an adult can be really nice, actually!!!

Like, okay, yeah, life can be fucking stressful sometimes, and there's definitely an annoying amount of paperwork.

But me and just about every single adult I know will agree: I would never choose to go back to being a teenager, even if I somehow could.

Insert obvious disclaimer that nothing is universal. But for people worried about aging or graduating into the next chapter of life, here's some words of reassurance:

When you're a teenager, your brain is extra mean to you. Like, neurologically. All of the changes it's undergoing really, really increase rates of depression/anxiety/etc. A lot of the time, literally just not being a teenager anymore is really good for your mental health

Less than five months out of high school, everyone I knew my age was like "Thank fuck we're no longer in high school." Once you leave high school and adolescence there's really just such a dramatic drop in petty bullshit. Shit that would have been a huge social humiliation or gossip in high school is really often just like, "Hate that for you, man." Boom, done.

When you're a teenager or a brand new adult, you're encountering so many problems for the first time ever. When you're older, you just. Have learned how to handle a lot more things. You know what to do way more often and that builds confidence

When you're an adult, other people generally don't care if you don't do things perfectly, because jobs and life don't work like grades. This was such a trip to learn, honestly? But when you are an adult or have a job the bar for success is usually just "Did you do the thing?" or "Did you do the thing well enough that it works?" or "Did you show up to work for your whole shift and look like you were doing things?"

Similarly, if you're about to graduate college and you're really stressed about it, fyi just about everyone I knew in college ended up very quickly going "wow, 'real life' is way easier." Admittedly I went to a school full of very stressed out perfectionists and the like, so I can't promise this is universal, but there's a very real chance that life will in many ways get easier when you graduate

WAY MORE CONTROL OF YOUR OWN LIFE

Literally I cannot overstate that last point. As an adult, you are (barring certain disabilities or shitty circumstances like abusive family/the criminal justice system/etc.) able to make most of your own decisions. If you want to rearrange your furniture, you can. If you want to eat tater tots at midnight, you can. If you want to get yourself a little treat, you can. You can sign contracts and make your own legal and medical decisions and not need a parent or guardian signature for just about anything ever again

You generally learn how to give fewer fucks

The people around you have also generally learned how to give fewer fucks

Even when things are shitty, being able to choose what kind of shitty a lot of the time can really be worth an awful lot

[somerandomdot]

Random Nsfw Halsin Headcanons

Hello I’m just trying something out, if you like it or have a different opinion or would like to share yours you may. Id appreciate if you suggested kinda, anything! Thank you for reading)

Omg I love his eyes in this GIF bro, his puppy eyessss

First off, for some reason this part in my brain just screams that this man has a dry humping kink, or any kinda of just pinning in general.

BIG MAN HANDS ON ME. Sorry, okay his hands are on your waist, shoulder, honestly any part he can grab at. His hands are either on your body or in your hair. He is a handy man.

One hundred percent this man has a breeding kink, I mean obviously… as nature intended

Going back to the pinning thing, I feel like with how large this hunk of a elf is he generally wouldn’t want to use much strength being worried of hurting you.

Honestly I feel like him putting half of his weight on top of you, or pushing himself against you is already crushing enough. So he’d be rather soft and slow at first.

We already know Halsin already is a giver when it comes to head, but one thousand percent he would like the same treatment. But would not really ask for it, so you’d probably have to ask him, since he’d never expect you too, caring about your pleasure and getting off on it.

If he’s on the receiving side of head, I feel like he’d not be the whimper type at all, but just groans, heavy breathing and saying your name/praises while you work on him with your mouth.

This man cannot keep his hips still, he’d be bucking into your mouth every so often, then apologizing for it as you’d gag from the unexpected thrust.

I can imagine this man is, rather large and thick when it comes to his sizing, rather on the more thick around the tip and thinning out to the base.

I feel like he wouldn’t be into heavy kinks, unless you’d ask to try something else/share kinks your with him. I feel like he’d be more into passionate sloppy sex.

His favorite position is either picking you up while he’s standing, your legs around his waist, back against any surface or none at all and his hands on your hips or wrapped around you as he controls the momentum by either thrusting up into you or literally lifting you up and down by your hips or just bear hugging you. (Had too) Or either the classic missionary, legs over his shoulders or around his waist as he thrusts into you as you layback and enjoy it.

Halsin enjoys long sessions rather than short ones, taking his time and edging himself and you. Agonizingly slow soft thrusts to than picking up his pace and roughness for a bit then continuing onto the slow soft ones.

He’d slowdown once you announce that you’re getting close, but if he unsuccessfully edges you as you hit your climax he wouldn’t punish you. If anything he’d make the session last longer enjoying the way you twitch and shudder beneath him or against him.

Eventually when he’s done edging himself and you he’d change his pace to a slow but rough thrusting, while he praises you or either has his head pressed into you neck, occasionally bites and nibbles on your neck and shoulders.

Only time I feel like he’d actually moan or whimper is while he puts it in or while he is comes.

He has, A LOT of ‘ammunition’, honestly feel like he’d come quite a bit, three to four shots. Making a nice cream pie.

Obviously he is an amazing person with aftercare, cleaning you up, helping you get dressed and healing if necessary.

Man’s loves cuddles, no shit he’s a big teddy bear, but due to his protective instincts he’d be holding onto things while he sleep, either it be a random pillow, you or wrapping his arms around himself he always sleeps holding something.

You made it!! Thank you so much, if you have any opinions, suggestions or any advice I’d love to hear it! Enjoy the rest of your morning/afternoon/night!

[mi-olaaa]

↳˗ˏˋ Jjk men as your babydaddy. ˊˎ˗ ↴

☆ ⋆.˚ ᡣ𐭩 .𖥔˚ ☆

Gojo Satoru.. ☆ ˊˎ˗

• He is so clingy, it’s almost sickening— y’all might’ve broken up, but to him? That don’t matter.

• You don’t know what a moment of peace is anymore, as soon two found out you were pregnant, he was ON it.

• Doctor’s appointments? He’s there. Shopping trips? He’s there. Whether it’s you resting at home and he’s caressing your belly, or you in the bed taking a nap. Gojo is there.

• What Gojo lacks in personal space he makes up for with how much he absolutely spoils and dotes on you. Whatever you want. Baby clothes, random pregnancy gadgets, even maternity clothes and stuff unrelated to pregnancy, you have it.

• About you two breaking up? Like I said it doesn’t matter, Gojo is literally there everyday almost, helping you out with everything, all the heavy lifting you can’t do at a certain point in your pregnancy, setting up the nursery, fucking you so good when your hormones become too much, and plenty other things to take care of the mama to be.

• Most importantly of all, when your bundle of joy was born, he was there, holding your hand through it all, ready to meet his baby with you.

Toji Fushiguro..☆ ˊˎ˗

• Toji honestly.. He’s not the best, but yk.. He’s definitely something.

• The whole reason you two broke up is because of you getting pregnant, he couldn’t handle it, literally, he walked out on you.

• He didn’t come back for a long ass time, you were only a month away from giving birth when he finally decided to accept the fact that he was a father again.

• He’s still the same asshole you know, but a little sweeter, but only because he felt guilty. Goes to a couple of the last appointments, and was there when the gender was found out.

• Gives you your space when you asks, understands that you are definitely still mad at him, but he looks absolutely adorable in the pictures you take of him and the baby.

• Sees the child every time on his visitation, one rare time he doesn’t, had to do another job. Other than that.. I mean idk, he could lean more the shitty bd at times, but he has his good moments too.

Nanami Kento..☆ ˊˎ˗

• When you found out you were pregnant, he was over the MOON. I mean, this man was crying, but not bawling his eyes out 😭

• Was talking so much shit about being a girl dad, while you thought it would be a boy. He won.

• Always says something along the lines of ‘my girls’. Always. He still has love for you definitely, and respects any boundaries you have, but yo’ ass was definitely testing how much self control he had some days.

• Turns out he had a pretty good amount of control to respect said boundaries, but it wasn’t until you FaceTimed him one night on that pregnancy hormone shit— Horny and leaking? How could he not take care of you?

• Whew shit y’all. If you weren’t already pregnant, you definitely would’ve been now. He put that WORK in. (He made gentle, intimate love to you, he’s too much of a loverboy to do anything else frfr (at least while you’re pregnant))

• Kento was there when you gave birth, and afterwards to help you with postpartum, mans is so obviously in love with you. SNEAK ATTACK— he proposes to you, and you quite literally woke up from a nap, holding your baby girl. You said yes. You said yes right? YOU BETTER HAD SAID YES MF HE IS SUCH A CUTIE PATOOTIE

Choso Kamo.. ☆ ˊˎ˗

• Honestly for the both of you, those nine months were a blur, he was there, partially out of curiosity though. 😭

• You had twins! Two little chubby cheek babies, one a girl, and one a boy.

• Choso doesn’t really know what he’s doing, but he’s trying y’all. He took almost an hour when he changed them for the first time, and cried because the babies were crying and he thought they must’ve been mad at him.

• always has the twins in those cute ass lil fuzzy animal onesies, his favorite to put them in are the shark ones. And he sends you pictures of them of course!

• Loves his kids to death and literally cannot process through his day without seeing them at least once. He might have some slight feelings for you, but pushes them down in respect of trying not to make a disruptive home life for the kids (is literally just convinced if you two get back together you will break up again and yeah..)

Suguru Geto.. ☆ ˊˎ˗

• Girl dad. I mean, he already had Mimiko and Nanako, ofc he’s a girl dad, don’t matter if they adopted frfr. Did i mention he’s a girl dad? HE IS A GIRL DAD. BOWS IN HIS HAIR, STICKERS AND ALL.

• Sucks ass at changing diapers tho, sorry y’all, we can’t all be great. His baby got that luscious hair from her daddy, blame him for heartburn.

• You two broke up? He dgaf about that! Literally js be all up in ya damn house, but honestly, if he wasn’t on the day your water broke, you would’ve been giving birth in the shower— so be thankful I guess? 😭

• He dotes on you, makes late night target runs for the random shit you crave, be tired asf, but anything for you pookie 🫶🏾, especially since you’re carrying his child.

• Mimiko and Nanako love the child too, tbf it’s a baby, who wouldn’t? Take their little sister shopping mf 😭 playing at the park when she’s older, and babysit too.

• Geto could be busy at some point, but when he is, he makes sure to see his kid once a week. He is such a cutie patootie with his skrunkly ass baby, you can’t help but take photos when you can.

☆ ⋆.˚ ᡣ𐭩 .𖥔˚ ☆

Authors note: honestly ion got nun to say 🤷🏾‍♀️ except for #girldadnanami2024‼️

‘IGHT BYEE 🫶🏾

[azrakaban]

Mattheo Riddle Headcanons

Just a few little headcanons I have about my husband, loml, Mattheo Thomas Riddle <3 Sidenote: if you're confused, Tom Riddle is fancasted as the son of Voldemort rather than as voldemort himself, because he is too fit to be a noseless vampire xx

...

- his favourite colour is gray. The reason behind this is he used to know this really sweet smoke coloured cat when he was little and he used to play with her, so isnce then he finds the colour relaxing

- him and Theodore Nott have been friends since they were really young. Like 3 or something.

- when he was younger, he found a copy of peter pan in a bin somewhere, picked it up and read it. He knew his father would kill him if he found out he was keeping a muggle book, so he hid it and it became his favourite book after reading

- when he was really young, Bellatrix (his mother) taught him and Tom occlumency, to be able to hide secrets from their father. She thought it was important for them to have some kind of privacy.

- he would be an arctic monkeys fan (yes I am aware they were not formed at the time he was at Hogwarts, but if he was gen z he'd love them.)

- he's a cat person, due to being bitten by a dog when he was little (no he does not have rabies and no he is not a furry) but he has a soft spot for bernese mountain dogs because Theo Nott has one)

- when I say he has only got eyes for you, I mean it. This man would rather gauge his eyes out than look at any other girl, he is so incredibly loyal.

- He believed Rodolphus Lestrange was his father up until he saw Rodolphus yell at Bellatrix when he was 11 about him not being his son. It broke him, as up until then he had been Mattheo Lestrange. From then on, he went by Mattheo Riddle.

- love language is physical touch, always with an arm around your waist, fiddling with your hair, kissing your cheek, forehead, temple, nose, lips, anywhere he can reach.

- possessive, but not in a controlling way. He has a fear of abandonment, so he likes to know that you're still his. Seeing other guys/girls look at you worries him a little, but he can't blame them because you are literally gorgeous. (and tbh, I don't think he's ever gonna have a problem with you looking at someone else, because he's perfection.)

- would give up anything for you, and gave up smoking immediately after starting to like you.

- absolutely in love with you. I cannot stress this enough, but this man is head over heels, for you, and only you.

- has a soft spot for you. When you first met/saw him, you thought he seemed emotionally unavailable (which he was, besides joking with friends tbh) but that changed for you, he was kind, and even vunerable when he asked you out, although still prefers to keep his emotions to himself.

- just a lil thing, but th Riddle family is RICH RICH so he is always buying you gifts even if you insist he shouldn't spend so much on you.

- when I say this guy would get a dog for you, I must make you understand how HUGE this is. He HATES dogs, so this is a huge thing for him. PLEASE APPRECIATE IT!!!

- would get into fights all the time (check out previous one shot No More Fights pleeeease x) over you, for you, and with you. If you got into a fight he'd be at the sidelines cheering you on like the supportive love he is >>>>

- nicknames. Oh my god, he has so many for you, muggle references are a speciality of his for some reason. Boojiboo, Darling, Angel, Princess, baby, and his person favourite: LOVE. Love this, love that, he uses it more than your actual name.

- he has reading glasses. he absolutely hates them, but you think they make him look cute and kinda smart (which he does, picture it, trust me)

- he reads a lot. Back at his house his room is next to their library so he can have easier access to it.

- he loves astrology. He knows all the constellations, the planets, and takes you on stargazing dates

- he smells like pinewood and fire. Just a really relaxing, wintery scent

- He HATES Summer. absolutely loves winter and autumn, but summer is just horrible to him. he hates the heat and bugs mostly, but he also hates the holidays because he's away from you and his friends

- went to a lot of pureblood balls/dances when he was young and is a very good dancer.

- doesn't have the closest relationship with Tom, who is two years older than him (same year as the Weasley twins), but he can go to Tom if he needs help with anything, whether it be homework to planned Arson :)

- he has a gorgeous morning voice. all gravely but still sounds beautiful

- he loves pretending to be asleep infront of you, and deliberately pretends to say your name in his sleep to see you smile when he "wakes up" and you tell him

- he's an early bird other than when he's really tired. If you wake up before him, you're not getting out of bed for hours, he's keeping you right there with him, hugging you tightly to him to prevent your escape. (not that you'd want to)

- if he sees you're nervous, he gives you his hand to fiddle with and you play with his fingers. if it doesn't help, he takes your hands in his and squeezes them gently.

- makes really good pancakes and waffles. He had them first at Theodore's house, and Theo's mum taught him how to make them.

- he's very good with kids, surprisingly. You once managed to snap a photo of him wearing a plastic tiara and now use it as leverage in arguments ;)

- he has big brother energy, and a lot of it. After the battle of Hogwarts, when Delphini was very little, he helped raise her to the best he could with help from Tom, the other Slytherins and Narcissa Malfoy. If you were comfortable with it, Delphini would be really close with you and see you as a big sister/brother/sibling <3 you guys would look after her and raise her to not carry out the events written in the cursed child.

- continuing with big brother stuff, he helps out the first years with homework and stuff when they need it.

- if people aren't listening when he's talking, he doesn't yell, just stops talking

- he's not agressive while drunk, like ever. Infact, total opposite. It. Is. Hilarious. He loosens up entirely. Trying to get you to ballroom dance with him, tripping over his feet. He'll go full on Shakira until you have to drag him out of the room. One time you gave him a hug while drunk but he didn't recognise you so he said "sorry, I have a girlfriend/boyfriend/partner" 😭 then realised it was you and pulled you back into the hug.

- he loves scary movies, naturally, but he's actually a sucker for a good rom com if it's actually good. I'm not talking boring predictable ones, genuinely good ones.

- if he was gen Z, he would be a huge marvel fan. don't try to convince me otherwise. not collecting merch and stuff, but seeing every movie within the week it comes out.

- before you two started dating he kept listening to Conan Gray (yes I'm a huge Conan fan so may be a little biased and I know conan was not singing then but anywayyyyy) his favourite song was Heather, because he didn't know if you reciprocated his feelings, but when you got together, he gave you his sweater on the third of December. I'm so proud of him.

- he's more of a cooker than a baker to be honest, he'd bake with you, but other than that he'd steer clear of sweet treats.

- he's fluent in French, Spanish and Italian as well as English. He wanted to learn Latin as well when he was younger, but didn't have time so is learning it now.

- he wears converse a lot. don't even argue with me please, I am right. (you can quote me on that to your family if needed guys)

- he loves photography and taking long walks in nature to get photos. If you were comfortable with it, he'd use you as his muse, styling you into his photos and capturing your beauty perfectly.

- DIMPLES

- He can play guitar. Simping.

- loves spicy food, literally obsessed with it.

- his biggest fear is getting the dark mark. he doesn't want anything to do with his father, and only took the name Riddle so as not to be an insult to rodolphus.

- anytime you say "I'm proud of you" he silently pulls you into a hug. he hasn't heard those words enough, so the fact that you have said it just completes him.

- drops anything for you if you need him.

- man child. he needs your attention at least five times a day.

- big spoon. You will never ever be big spoon, it is his role, he has assigned it to himself and is very protective of it.

[starry-bi-sky]

"Stillborn? No, still born" Danyal au -- VLAD MASTERS THE BITCH HIMSELF

*Points at Vlad* THIS MFER GOT SOME TEEFS TO HIM. !! Okay okay, Vlad Masters in the stillborn au is different compared to most of my other aus in the fact that I am far more heavily leaning into his original ambitions of wanting a family and being desperately lonely. Because you know what wanting a family implies? Wanting to be a parent.

Fucked up father figure that could've been Vlad. Complicated love-hate relationship between the only two halfas in existence.

Danny hates Vlad, but he hates even more that he's genuinely considered his offers of mentorship. Vlad is the only halfa around, and they both have fire cores. Danny has these powers he doesn't understand, can barely comprehend some days, and can't control. But Vlad does. Vlad can. And Vlad wants to help him. He's the only other person who can get close whenever Danny runs too hot. Whenever his igneous hair cracks, splits, and spits back out into magma and his friends can't get close, Vlad can.

His hair is made of magma, which runs so hot that people need specialized suits in order to get near it. He physically cannot get close to the living as a ghost unless he's calm enough for his hair to cool into igneous rock. Which isn't as often as he would like. And sometimes he's too hot for other ghosts to get near unless they have fire cores -- which Vlad has.

There have been many times when Danny's having a meltdown (literally) and gone somewhere to be alone, to let his anger and hurt and loneliness overflow and spill out, that when he's come back to, Vlad's right there with him as an anchor. It's desperately frustrating, it's the only time they can get along. They don't say anything, Danny just turns and clings onto the only person he can touch as a ghost.

Its not fair. Vlad wants to kill his foster dad, and Danny can't let him do that. But he wants to be trained by the man, he wants his help and wants what he can offer. But Vlad can't step away from his revenge long enough to let him. It's just not fair. He thinks for a moment that maybe it could work, and then Vlad does something to remind him that no, it can't.

Vlad Masters sees too much of himself in Daniel Brown -- from the way he holds himself, to the defenses he puts up, his quiet anger that builds and builds and builds until it explodes. That simmers beneath his skin. All the way down to the fact that they have matching cores. This boy is cut from the same cloth as him, and by god does he want to help him. He's always wanted to be a father, and Daniel Brown is too much like him for him to ignore. He genuinely, truly cares about Danny and his wellbeing.

He wants to help him, child just let him help you. Let him kill your foster dad so he can adopt you himself and help with these powers that terrify and intrigue you -- he knows what that's like to have something that you can't control, to have a heat that you can't cool down from. "We're in the same boat you and I, let him help you please."

But his methods are all wrong, and Danny is too much like him -- stubbornness and all -- for him to agree when they oppose each other so greatly. But again, Danny is much like him -- which means that Vlad is equally stubborn, and in every single one of their fights he's parental. He's annoyingly parental. He drops his interest in Maddie to focus his efforts in trying to coax Danny onto his side. It's like trying to get a traumatized cat to trust you, and on some levels it works. It's like he makes some progress, and then moves too quickly and the cat immediately runs off and you have to start back from square one.

TL:DR; Vlad and Danny both want to find family in each other but they're too different to get along and ultimately they are doomed by the narrative to be at constant odds with one another unless one of them is changes, and it doesn't matter who.

[nightprompts]

&. 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐚𝐭 𝐨𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐬𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐬.

( dialogue  prompts  taken  from the script of  everything  everywhere  all  at  once  (2022),  directed  by  daniel  kwan  and  daniel  scheinert.  feel  free  to  edit  and  change  as  you  seem  fit. )

❛ you look really pretty right now. ❜

❛ stop changing the subject. ❜

❛ every day i fight, i fight for all of us. ❜

❛ what are you doing? what is wrong? ❜

❛ if i have to think about one more thing today, my head will explode. ❜

❛ you may be in grave danger. there is no time to explain.❜

❛ we can make our own way. please, come with me. ❜

❛ don't even talk to me about this because i won't remember.❜

❛ i am not your husband. at least not the one you know. i am another version of him from another life path, another universe. ❜

❛ i’m here because we need your help.❜

❛ sorry, very busy today. no time to help you– ❜

❛ all those years of searching have brought me here. to this universe. to you. ❜

❛ i’m here to tell you every rejection, every disappointment has led you here. to this moment. ❜

❛ i'm not ready to fight yet. ❜

❛ maybe we don't have a choice. ❜

❛ now, you can either come with me and live up to your ultimate potential, or lie here and live with the consequences. ❜

❛ i... want to lie here. ❜

❛ how often do people literally die laughing? ❜

❛ my husband won't even kill a spider. how are you the same person? ❜

❛ we are talking about infinity. if you can imagine it, somewhere out there, it exists. ❜

❛ how did i die? ❜

❛ i've seen you die a thousand ways. in a thousand worlds. in every single one, you were murdered. ❜

❛ what!? who wants me dead? ❜

❛ you’ve been feeling it too, haven’t you? something is off. your clothes never wear as well the next day, your hair never falls in quite the same way, even your coffee tastes... wrong. ❜

❛ maybe we would have been better off if we had never gotten married. ❜

❛ i never said that. ❜

❛ you didn’t have to. it’s the way you look at me. ❜

❛ can’t you see it? how wonderful it would be if you came with me? ❜

❛ i saw my life without you. i wish you could have seen it. it was beautiful. ❜

❛ shhh, you're not thinking straight. ❜

❛ what is worse than death? ❜

❛ i saw your face on a billboard and — this is silly — i wondered if you remembered me... ❜

❛ is it that i can’t be here, or that i’m not allowed to be here? ❜

❛ there is no good, there is no evil. there is only “goovil”. ❜

❛ if you can imagine it, you have fucked it. ❜

❛ do not be so closed minded that you blind yourself from the truth! ❜

❛ don’t make me fight you. i am really really good. ❜

❛ you're capable of anything because you're so bad at everything. ❜

❛ you can't remember anything because your bodies were under the control of other universes. ❜

❛ you were like puppets. and you could do things you normally can't do. you were like, what's that movie... raccaccoonie? ❜

❛ how can you defeat her in every universe, if you can't even kill her in one? ❜

❛ the sacrifices necessary to win this war... i know all too well. ❜

❛ i cannot lose another loved one to the darkness. ❜

❛ i know you have feelings. feelings that make you so sad. that make you just want to give up. that is not your fault. ❜

❛ i'll see you again soon, somewhere out there in all that noise. ❜

❛ just think happy thoughts. ❜

❛ you okay? caught you staring off into space again. ❜

❛ i'm the one you've been looking for. ❜

❛ i’m the one who will defeat you. ❜

❛ you’re finally free, like me. ❜

❛ you don't have to choose anymore. between loving me or hating me. you can do both at the same time. ❜

❛ before, you were asking about "our daughter". it's crazy, but it really got me thinking. what if you had come with me all of those years ago? ❜

❛ all of this time, i wasn't looking for someone who could defeat me. i was looking for someone who could see what i see, feel what i feel... ❜

❛ oh, good, you're here too. ❜

❛ i'm sorry about ruining everything, i– ❜

❛ we're all stupid. small stupid little humans. it's like our whole deal. ❜

❛ everything is going to be okay. ❜

❛ you think i’m weak don’t you? ❜

❛ when we first fell in love all of those years ago, your father would say i was too sweet for my own good. maybe he was right. ❜

❛ please! can we just stop fighting! ❜

❛ you tell me that it's a cruel world and we're all just running around in circles. i know that. i've been on this earth just as many days as you. ❜

❛ the only thing i do know is we have to be kind. be kind. especially, when we don't know what's going on. ❜

❛ i know you go through life with your fists held tight. you see yourself as a fighter. well, i see myself as one too. this is how i fight. ❜

❛ in another life, i would have really liked just doing laundry and taxes with you. ❜

❛ you know what i say? cold, hysterical, unlovable bitches like us make the world go round. ❜

❛ you aren’t unlovable. there is always something to love. ❜

❛ even in a stupid, stupid universe where we have hot dogs for fingers, we’d all be very good with our feet! ❜

❛ in a universe where we both agree that no one could love you, if we look hard enough, something will prove us wrong. ❜

❛ we are all useless alone. so its good you're not alone. ❜

❛ maybe you win in this universe. but in another, i beat you. or we tie. or we eat crepes. ❜

❛ i don't want to hurt anymore. and for some reason when i'm with you, it hurts both of us. ❜

❛ out of all of the places i could be, why would i want to be here with you? ❜

❛ i still want to be here with you. i will always want to be here with you. ❜

❛ i will cherish these few specks of time. ❜

[galacticlamps]

ok I have A Lot of thoughts about the staircase confession (well really about Edwin's whole character arc, but all roads lead to rome) but for now I just wanna say that, yes, I was bracing myself for something to go terribly wrong when I first watched it, and yes, part of me was initially worried its placement might be an uncharacteristically foolish choice made in the name of Drama or Pacing or Making a Compelling Episode of Television but at the expense of narrative sense--

But I wanna say that having taken all that into account, and watched it play out, and sat with it - and honestly become rather transfixed by it - I really think it's a beautifully crafted moment and truly the only way that arc could've arrived at such a satisfying conclusion.

And if I had to pinpoint why I not only buy it but also have come to really treasure it, I'd have to put it down to the fact that it genuinely is a confession, and nothing else.

That moment is an announcement of what Edwin has come to understand about himself, but because it takes the form of a character admitting romantic feelings for such a close friend, I think it can be very easy, when writing that kind of thing, to imbue it with other elements like a plea or a request or even the start of a new relationship that, intentionally or not, would change the shape of the moment and can quickly overshadow what a huge deal the telling is all on its own. But that's not the case here. Since it is only a confession, unaccompanied by anything else, and since we see afterward how it was enough, evidently, to fix the strangeness that had grown between him & Charles, we're forced to understand that it was never Edwin's feelings that were actually making things difficult for him - it was not being able to tell Charles about them. 'Terrified' as he's been of this, Edwin learns that his feelings don't need to either disappear completely or be totally reciprocated in order for him to be able to return to the peace, stability, and security of the relationship with which he defines his existence - and the scale of that relief a) tells us a hell of a lot about Edwin as a character and b) totally justifies the way his declaration just bursts out of him at what would otherwise be such a poorly chosen moment, in my opinion.

Whether or not they are or ever could be reciprocated, Edwin's feelings are definitively proven not to be the problem here - only his potential choice to bottle it up - his repression - is. And where that repression had once been mainly involuntary, a product of what he'd been through, now that he's got this new awareness of himself, if he still fails to admit what he's found either to himself or to the one person he's so unambiguously close with, then that repression will be by his own choice and actions.

And he won't do that. Among other things, he's coming into this scene having just (unknowingly) absolved the soul of his own school bully and accidental killer by pointing out a fact that is every bit as central to his self-discovery as anything about his sexuality or his attraction to Charles is: the idea that "If you punish yourself, everywhere becomes Hell"

So narratively speaking, of course it makes sense that Edwin literally cannot get out of Hell until he stops punishing himself - and right now, the thing that's torturing him is something he has control over. It's not who he is or what he feels, but what he chooses to do with those feelings that's hurting him, and he's even already made the conscious choice to tell Charles about them, he was just interrupted. But now that they're back together and he's literally in the middle of an attempt to escape Hell, there is absolutely no way he can so much as stop for breath without telling Charles the truth. Even the stopping for breath is so loaded - because they're ghosts, they don't need to breathe, but also they're in Hell, so the one thing they can feel is pain, however nonsensical. And Edwin certainly is in pain. But whether he knows what he's about to do or not when he says he 'just needs a tick,' a breather is absolutely not what's gonna give him enough relief to keep climbing - it's fixing that other hurt, though, that will.

Like everything else in that scene, there's a lot of layers to him promising Charles "You don't have to feel the same way, I just needed you to know" - but I don't think that means it isn't also true on a surface level. It's the act of telling Charles that matters so much more than whatever follows it, and while that might have gone unnoticed if anything else major had happened in the same conversation, now we're forced to acknowledge its staggering and singular importance for what it is. The moment is well-earned and properly built up to, but until we see it happen in all its wonderful simplicity, and we see the aftermath (or lack thereof, even), we couldn't properly anticipate how much of a weight off Edwin's shoulders merely getting to share the truth with Charles was going to be, why he couldn't wait for a better, safer opportunity before giving in to that desire, or how badly he needed to say it and nothing else - and I really, really love the weight that act of just being honest, seen, and known is given in their story/relationship.

[pastrydragon]

The BG3 Beef I wanna see shitpost

While I do love the idea of Tav/Astarion/Karlach/whoever getting more unique mean dialogue with Ulder Ravengard, especially when he has the audacity to take up space in your camp like that instead of someone cooler like Barcus or that one bullied hyena, I want very specific flavor text that you'd only get in the epilogue party if you pick a specific ending even more.

I think if you romance Wyll as Gale or Gale as Wyll and then you don't go to Avernus, I think it would be totally galaxy brain to have dialogue in the epilogue that reveals Ulder Ravengard and Morena Dekarios fucking DESPISE one another. Because they absolutely would.

We never get to meet Morena in game but you can tell from what Gale and Tara say about her and Gale's... Galeness that she is at least a part time passenger on the "Fuck you my child is fine" train. Her sweet little boy? Commit evil deeds? Never! There has obviously been a mistake. I mean she indulged that "Gale Of Waterdeep" nonsense and when Gale summoned a full on Tressym after being explicitly denied a kitten as a child, she just let him keep her. No repercussions.

And then her sweet boy brings home another sweet boy who is probably EXACTLY what she pictured Gale's partner should be like.(Because Wyll is the damn blueprint for "Guy you could bring home to mom") Wyll is ridiculously sweet to Gale, he's the perfect gentleman, he's very open to the idea of giving Morena the grandchildren she's been nagging Gale about in the very near future. Pinch her, she must be dreaming!

I cannot imagine her reacting to Wyll's backstory with any amount of empathy towards Ulder, obviously that man is a cruel psychopath to throw poor Wyll out like that after "a tiny misunderstanding" and Wyll is just too good of a son not to see it. Which is partially true, Wyll is definitely still in some kind of denial stage over what his father did but that's not the point of the post.

Then there's Ulder who probably thinks Gale is... Fine. He's not someone he ever would have pictured for Wyll. Gale is a babbling oddball, he has chronic foot-in-mouth disease and has only ever met the pointy end of a sword. But he can't say anything because Gale saved him, his son, and Bulder's gate, and a small army of tieflings, and apparently a bunch of mushroom people and blah blah more reasons he can never have the moral high ground blah. He's undeniably stuck with this fucking wizard, and his nightmare of a mother.

Morena firmly believes that since the Ravengard manor is technically Wyll's now, then it's also Gale's and thus is now hers as well. When I say she would walk through the doors like she owned the place I mean it very literally. Where did Ulder's old helmet display go? "They were rusty and it was ruining the wooden shelves, besides these enchanted swords go better with the new drapes we had to get, I don't know how you didn't notice how moth eaten they were getting." Everyday he wakes up and something about his own damn home has been changed to make it look more like a wizard tower. She doesn't even live here most of the time!

And it doesn't stop there, not at all. No this women has to make sure his son doesn't live there full time either. Every holiday and birthday she has to send Gale a letter about how much she misses him and you should visit so you can take a break from all that(Very important!) work and how she already has the venison just for Wyll.

And every time he's forced to interact with this harpy she looks at him with a sweet smile on her face, honey in her voice and the burning hatred of a thousand suns in her eyes then somehow managed to insult him five times in one sentence without ever explicitly insulting him. This women is a devil from Avernus sent to punish him for his sins and she's even won over the grandkids. Obviously that women is a manipulative psychopath for using her control over Gale to manipulate his son. Which, yeah Gale not being able to say no to his mom has contributed greatly to this and if Wyll knew what healthy boundaries looked like he probably wouldn't have put up with it but he doesn't so here we are.

Let these two be the Tom and Jerry style B plot to BG4 is what I'm saying.

[morgana-ren]

Has your opinion/understanding on Astarion's character changed much as you play through the full game?

Actually, yes! Big spoilers again btw.

So, I will admit, my perception of characters is always slightly biased. It's always tilted in favor of my own predilections and desires, so I tend to see things in a skewed way. The less information I am presented, the more my brain will fill in the gaps thusly.

In the early access, Astarion is presented as a selfish vampire spawn clawing for his own survival from the vicious vampire lord that spawned him and has held him captive for centuries. It should be noted that he is one of the only companions open to the idea of abusing the tadpoles rather than removing them and only seeks to cure them if they cannot be controlled. It becomes apparent that he craves power above all else. He dislikes altruistic speech options, tends to veer directly towards ones that bolster said power, especially at the expense of other people. He seems the closest to a stereotypical 'chaotic' follower that you really get.

However, he isn't evil. He's a very rounded character despite his inherent selfishness. He is manipulative and vicious, but he is also desperate and afraid and slow to trust. Most of what he does, he does for his own survival and comfort rather than active malevolence-- though that isn't always the case.

You get an alright idea of him in the early access, as in enough to know if you're going to want to keep him around and invest time into him as opposed to just dropping him at camp perpetually. You catch glimpses of the man he is behind it all, but mostly he appears flamboyant, resourceful, flirtatious, and of extremely dubious morality. Fun, right?

Very, very wrong, actually.

As you progress through the game, you come to understand him better, and it's... tragic.

The first thing to slip is his explosive temper. He is confused, bitter, and frightened. He expects Cazador around every corner, stalking in every shadow, watching and waiting to sling the collar around his neck and yank once more. Paranoid. He has mystery scars painstakingly carved into his flesh that he cannot see because of his condition, in a language he cannot read, with horrible memories he doesn't want to recall. He is angry, and he isn't in the company of people he trusts even remotely at first and literally cannot remember the last time he was in centuries. He bottles up all those emotions to avoid the devastating vulnerability of showing emotion and shoves them down beneath his posh and nonchalant facade, and eventually, it finds a way out.

Occasionally, he snaps. He becomes enraged and has these moments of intense anger.

And then, there is what you might think to be a moment of connection.

Astarion, once he decides that he approves of you, will make a move to seduce you. Should you accept, you might find that he says something along the lines of "Isn't that why you came? To lose yourself in me?"

It seems like typical seduction dialogue at first, but this is very deliberate. The wording is very deliberate as is everything he does. Like a choreographed waltz that he has danced again and again and again--

Until it comes as natural as breathing.

After your night together, he evades a conversation that would take anything any further. No relationship, no nothing. Just a one off that turns you into the equivalent of ye olde fuckbuddies. He stays by your side, of course, but nothing changes between you other than him acknowledging what happened.

So, you progress a little more.

Eventually, both through necessity and happenstance, he does end up opening up little by little. And you find out bits and pieces about him. But there's one that stands out to me:

The crazy blood bitch in Moonrise dehumanizes him, speaks down to him, and refuses to even acknowledge his personhood. She only speaks to you, and makes you an offer regarding your 'property.' An invaluable potion for a moment with 'your pet vampire spawn.'

And he has a visceral reaction to this.

If you have a fucking heart and you don't make him do this, he comes to speak to you later and confides in you. Cazador had used him essentially as a honeypot, forcing him to use his body to lure unsuspecting citizens back to the vampire's den-- against his will. He was so degraded, so dehumanized, and so looked down on for so many years that he has genuinely come to believe that it's the truth. He thanks you genuinely for considering him and viewing him as a real person with emotions and feelings, but is also... confused. He doesn't understand, because that rotten, stagnant belief is still a truth to him: That he is nothing but a tool and a means to an end; that he doesn't matter. That he is a filthy thing to be used and cast aside when convenient. He doesn't understand why you didn't make him do it when it was only his comfort on the line.

And if you ask him to drink from her, he will. He stiffens his upper lip and drinks despite the fact that something is wrong and he knows it. He does it because you command him to. Because that's what he has done for so long that you don't have to have the lord's control over him anymore for him to follow orders.

There is a moment of stark, dreadful realization that sex and seduction have an entirely different meaning to him but he has still been doing it. That the love and connection that he truly needs might be support and a friend and not a bedfellow. That his agency and personhood have been stripped away for so long that he doesn't even recognize them anymore. He is bitter and mean but vulnerable and confused and terrified and he doesn't know how to seek comfort, so he resorts to what he knows while simultaneously distancing and degrading himself.

He does not believe that he is worth loving or caring for, or anything but being an object to be molded. Used. Discarded. He suffered for so long that this is a fundamental truth to him. He is a monster. A filthy vermin barely a step above the rats he's been fed.

You do what you should do: You give him the power. You try to build him back up. Try to help him understand that he isn't a monster or a tool. He is a man; he is a person, and he deserves a say in his own fate. His wants and desires matter. What he wants matters.

If you've done things right, he will take a gigantic leap of faith. He will be with you-- truly be with you. It's slow and he doesn't understand, but he knows he wants it, and you take it as slow as he needs-- but he's still hurt. He is still scarred.

In the Sharess Caress, there are a pair of Drow twins that will attempt to seduce you into what is essentially a foursome. If Astarion is there and he is a love interest and you attempt this, he will say "I'm really not ready for this." while looking extraordinarily uncomfortable, and almost panicked. The scars are still there, and they're barely healing over, and still so, so tender. Easy to tear right back open. Easy to push back into his shell to never come out again, because he tried vulnerability and it burned him.

He does not think he is worthy of love or happiness. He doesn't get to have a loving partner who adores him. Even slipped free of Cazador's yoke, his claws are still stuck steadfast in his soul. He is taking it slow and barely learning to trust another being again, leave alone put his neck out and care for one. He wears his misery as a shield because it cannot hurt him that way. He is a monster who has done horrible things and deserves to be alone forever. And even if that isn't the truth, then Cazador is still lurking out there, waiting to strike-- to rip away that newfound happiness.

Astarion is, above all things, a truly tragic character, and one that I empathize with. It makes my adoration for him slightly guilty. I'm not all the way through the game quite yet, but what I have seen hurts my heart something dreadful. With my character, he is slowly learning to trust and love again, but it's painfully apparent that he thinks he doesn't deserve this, and he is simply waiting for something to fall apart and send him back into the spiraling black chasm that is his life. He still believes all these miserable things about himself. He was forced into immortality, and he believes he's going to spend it alone, reviled, and wretched - not to mention enslaved.

As fun as it is to have a sexy, dark, controlling Astarion, I don't think it's necessarily true to his character as he is presented if you choose to do things right. He isn't evil - he is a complex, tragic man who desperately needs to be able to see his own reflection in a way that isn't horrifically warped by everyone else's eyes.

Vampire. Monster. Killer. Slave. Pet.

It's been so long he's lost track of himself. Of Astarion the man.

He needs to find himself and find peace. He asks to view himself through your eyes, maybe because he's looking for something-- anything-- within himself to hold onto.

If you ask me again in a few days, I'll probably have a fully fleshed out idea of his character, since I'll probably have completed the game or at the very least gotten a bit further, but this is what I have at the moment. Doesn't mean I'll stop writing Astarion as I adore, but I've always openly admitted that my writings on characters are skewed despite their actual content lmao.

[khristie16]

The fast and forbidden

Charles is a famous F1 driver with everything one could want: fame, fortune, and fans. But he is missing one thing. Being his new personal assistant changes everything for both of them.

— chapter 4 Both are conflicted after their intimate experience. What Charles’s jealousy makes him act in a way is wasn't recognized even from his friends

warnings: 18+, masturbating, jealousy, angst

.........................................................................

That night was wild. As i went back to my room I felt embarrassment linger on my insides and I pushed my back to the right apartment door as I shut them behind me as if that would stop me from being hunted just by what happened. It never ever crossed my mind that literally my boss would have seen me naked under any circumstances. The cold shower did not help me from overthinking practically anything, it felt like I’m not even in control of my thoughts. I groaned in displeasure and went to my bedroom. Staying quiet to perhaps hear something from his room and cursing myself for even doing that after what has happened. Getting in my bed didn’t quite help me, it made my feelings for Charles even worse.

The next day I wake up with sweat covering my body, I hold my chest as if something has convinced me this body is no longer mine because it wasn’t when was Charles touching me. His fingers laced on my hot skin and my legs trembling as if he is the owner of my body and my body is no longer mine. His sinful eyes full of uncertainty of what’s to come and I believe I’m going to shatter right at the spot I was sitting on my bed here in a hotel. His touch was getting lost in my soft skin, and I swear I felt something inside of me, something that was growing and when I looked down it was him, entering me again and again until I screamed and woke up from this dream.

I thought I’m going to be sick. This is a lot to take, and I cannot function like that on daily basis. If there is one thing that I’d love, is to be able leave this dream pass but it feels like I took the most out of the dream. And I seem to cannot go back.

A sound coming from my phone startled me till I jumped on the seat still covered in sheets. I stand up with a hold of breath to look of who is it. Part of me was scared it might be Charles and I would have to approach him. But instead, a little disappointment filled my body when I saw the guy from yesterday has messaged me. What was his name again? Ah yes, Patrick.

His comforting questions about my well being made me pause for a sec and made my body to relax. But it was soon replaced with anxiety. What am I supposed to do with this man now? I cannot shake the feeling of the..., dream, perhaps nightmare, I cannot say. I still have the perfect image of Charles on top of me doing all of those…. In and out movements. It makes me sick, and ashamed. God damn, I shouldn’t be dreaming about such things. But I shouldn’t be hard on myself that much, it’s enough that Charles was hard on me…literally.

I shake my head to somewhat shake the thought off and I finally saw clearly the words typed down on my phone again.

Hey! Yeah, I slept well.

I toss the phone on the couch again and make my way to a bathroom. In the mirror reflection I see flushed cheeks and dirty hair. How can someone have passionate sex and look good meanwhile? It was just a dream and yet I look like if I had truly experienced that. Maybe it is because it felt like that.

Charles’s POV

Charles couldn’t sleep immediately after YN has left. He didn’t understand why he was wide awake, but he caught himself afterwards he is still going back to the image of YN being naked in front of him in his bedroom. It made him feel some shivers running down his spine and he couldn’t judge if it is good or not. All his awareness was filled with her and after staring blanky on the ceiling he gave up on sleeping and went to bathroom to jerk himself off. He tried hard to not make it obvious to him that he had a certain image in front of his eyes in his mind, but he couldn’t hide it that well. He knew this delusional act and pretending wouldn’t last long. So, as he fell to his bed again, he felt a sudden emptiness in his body, and he fell asleep with the last thought of YN in the blank space he fell in his stomach.

Charles now has found himself in a cafeteria lobby with his friend Joris. As they were casually talking about tonight’s upcoming night out, he finally felt good about being able to think just about anything else but her. But it didn’t stay that long. As if Joris knew since the beginning there is something of with Charles related to YN, he took a good look at Charles before speaking up. Joris knew Charles has changed and that is why he even offered for a personal assistant position to take place, but his cold demeanor to her was something everyone saw. Either if it was Carla or Andrea. Everyone saw through him that it was a weird thing to watch at. And as so for Joris as one of his best friends, he wanted to push Charles to his limits.

‘I saw YN yesterday.’

Charles stuck a little in his movement before trying to smooth his behavior to a more relaxed one. Good for Joris he has and excellent eye for a detail and it didn’t run from his attention.

‘Okay. So what?’

Joris chuckled rather quietly and liked this game already. Pushing your best friend about a topic his friend is clearly passionate about was something thrilling. To be honest, there is a very fine line between passion and hate. And with hate there comes anger or resentment.

‘She was with a man. A fine man, luxurious car and stuff’

Charles stuck in his movement again but swiftly get back to his previous position. Now the chuckle left Joris’s lips. He was met with a furious gaze from his best friend as he asked.

‘What?!’

Joris laughed and tried so hard to hide it but failed. He put his fist in front of his mouth to mask it with a cough, but his eyes couldn’t lie.

‘Nothing, just nothing’

Charles didn’t like what was Joris doing. He is not dumb, he knew. But he wasn’t mad at Joris, he was frustrated with himself.

‘Well, she can do whatever she wants.’

Joris eyes went high on his forehead as he couldn’t believe Charles let himself be this obvious.

‘Something happened Charles?’

An awkward silence filled the space as a waitress approached their table to refill their drinks. Both acted as if nothing happened and Joris was getting curious if there was something more in this situation between those two. As the waiter left their table Joris made it clear what his intentions are with a loud cough and gesturing for Charles to talk.

Charles refused to give in and acted like a little bitch.

‘Nothing happened!’

He reached for his refilled drink just to spill it on his jeans and grunted in pure discomfort. Not just about jeans, but about his best friend pushing him. He took his mobile phone and went upstairs, leaving Joris in awe.

During the day Charles focused on trainings and both acted like the other didn’t exist. But as much as Charles has tried to forget about what is happening inside of him, the more he lingered back in thoughts to her.

YN POV

It made me sad to be in such a position. The last thing I thought was that Charles would be acting so cold towards me. On one side I get it that it’s for the best, because of what had happened, but I remember fondly his remark from the evening. What a shame you’re leaving. I really don’t know what to make out of that. It looked like he was toying with me. And I don’t like that. But at the same time, I am the ‘victim in here’. I was put in a vulnerable position and even though Charles has nothing to do with how badly I took this experience, he didn’t have to be so cold towards me. Not more then before. I wasn’t well aware why I feel this way, but I definitely didn’t like it. That is why I shift my focus on Patrick. I deducted since Charles is completely ignoring me, I will be free tonight, as the same as yesterday, what won’t be the same is my naïve brain leading me to his apartment.

I’ll pick you up at seven;)

As I was preparing the beautiful dress for tonight’s event with Patrick, I added some light blush on my cheeks that matched with my red lipstick going well with long gown dress, perfect for a night out in a luxurious restaurant with a handsome man. For the first time this day, I smiled softly to myself and put on high heels. With all the pain conflicting inside of me I forgot the pain of wearing heals. At least I gained something from this fiasco with Charles. Or whatever it is.

I reach for the door to head out and with the swift of air brushing my hair I see Charles with his fist in the eye level to knock, I suppose. I stay still and watch him in confusion.

‘Hi’

He made an awkward presence with his greeting; this was another level of confusion. How can one act to cold and then when they open their mouth, they sound like a lost tad?

‘You’re heading somewhere?’

I stopped the thinking cycle happening again in my head and composure well.

‘Well… yes? I was planning to head out, I assumed you don’t need me today.’

He titled his head and furrowed his eyebrows as If I had said the dumbest thing ever. I scoff internally.

‘And why did you assume that?’

That’s where he got me. I didn’t ask, He didn’t tell me. I was naïve again to think that. Or more of so it was his fault he did not say a thing. But I am under him and If I want to pursue my dreams, I need to have this job. At least to keep it for a month or two.

‘I’m sorry, I interpreted the message wrong. You need me for today’s evening I suppose?’

He just nodded and start with his eyes looking at me closely from head to toe. It was hot suddenly. *gulp*

‘I see you are ready already. Let me change and we can go,’

‘Where?’

He gave me a wink and left me speechless on the mid way from my room to the corridor. I was getting more and more mad at him. I gritted through my teeth and went inside to sit down and write a message to Patrick. I was sad at one point that I’m going to miss on this date.

Hey Patrick, I’m sorry, but work came into my plan for this evening. I would love to dismiss such obligation, but I cannot unfortunately:( xoxo.

Left with my thoughts, Charles opened his door and came out in full tux. He looked hot. And my mouth agreed since I had to fight it hard to not gape. Put yourself together.

‘Let’s go’

That’s all he said and there was just silence between us. I didn’t know where he is taking me, but I really didn't have much of a choice so instead I stayed silent till the full ride to the destination.

Another boring event. A lot of people, too many champagnes and too much obnoxious talk. Or am I just hateful? I couldn’t care less right now. All I wanted to be spared of this, but I guess I have some job to do here as Charles’s personal assistant, which I couldn’t quite put the finger on the reason for bringing me here.

As we stayed by side and observing what’s happening around us, some old man approached us. The next thing boiled my blood. Charles’s hand landed on my waist on the back and pushed me closer to him, just a little but it was known to me. I was too lost in confusion to say anything about it, plus I didn’t want to make a scene. Not because of Charles, but because of me. I prefer peace rather than conflicts. So, I obeyed and acted however I was supposed to do in this moment. It is not like anyone expected me to talk so I wandered around the room to see a familiar face. Patrick.

My eyes almost fell out and the anxiety that numbed my limbs was almost too much to bear. Patrick was clearly confused and did not understand. I started shaking my head as a try to tell him it is not what it looks like. He stayed looking at me but then took his focus on Charles. He eyed him up and down. I don’t’ know what I wanted in that moment, but I was clearly just stuck. My mind and my body.

‘Hey YN’

I turn my head around to see Joris. The anxiety level rose high, and I scarred looked on Patrick again, but he was fortunately not looking at my direction now.

‘Are you alright?’

I turned again to talk to Joris. Charles was aware Joris came in and he left the embrace on my back. I took this opportunity to escape to Joris instead.

‘Hi, sorry. I’m just overwhelmed.’

His eyes went straight to my back, looking straight through my middle and right back up.

‘I can see that.’

I shook my head and excused myself to go to the lady’s room.

*inhale* *exhale* again and again

Did it help? Temporarily. I escaped now but I cannot keep running from myself. I should have said something before. In the car on our way here. I should have said more to Patrick so this situation wouldn’t escalate to something bigger than it is. But what I know? I don’t know what Patrick thinks.

‘Whatever’

I got fed up with the same second and opened the doors to walk back, yet again, the same pair of green eyes hunting me everywhere.

‘What happened YN?’

At this moment I was feeling sorry for Charles. Because I was furious. And I raised my voice. At my boss.

‘What happened? You are asking me?’ I scoffed so hard it was visible for anyone to know how furious I am, ‘You’re the one who should be answering that question! What was that about huh? The touching? Holding my waist?’

Charles’s eyes showed conflict and fear as he didn’t know how to react. This was the first time I saw him not knowing what to do or say, his confidence far away from him now.

‘I- ‘

‘WHAT’

He shut his mouth immediately and looked mad. I exhaled and let my shoulders to fall to relax.

‘I’m sorry for raising my voice at you.’

Charles was still silent, but no in his mind. There was clearly something happening. He opened his mouth but shut it again.

‘YN?’

We both turned our gaze to the right to see Patrick. In the field of my eyes, I saw Charles’s composure to stiffen, and his face hardened.

‘And you are doing what exactly?’

A visible mockery in his voice lingered its way to Patrick who stopped walking towards me, confusion transformed to disgust and took a defensive composure.

God help me.

[venusvxen]

The 3D Cannot Create.. So Why Do You Create Fear?

I’ve been having a recent epiphany that has helped me understand the law better and helped me get rid of fear or at least self soothe when i feel fearful cus I don’t believe in stripping ourselves of our emotions…

I would say “the 3d cannot create” everyday for a YEAR but it wasn’t until a few days ago when i had a lightbulb moment… the 3D… really … cannot create.. it’s nothing more than a mirror… so why do I FEAR my shadow and expect it to show me something different.. why do i fool myself into believing i am the shadow and not the being that casts the shadow??

We fulfill ourselves within our imagination and get so stoked about our desire.. then we leave imagination and come down to the 3d world and bombarded with all the things the senses throw at you. now you start doubting.. you start counting down the time bc it’s been xyz long and you think it’ll never happen.. I literally always do this…

But then i thought to myself… the 3d cannot create any of those scenarios im envisioning… it’s my twin.. it is a shadow.. whatever I experience in the 4d is what i MUST experience in the 3d no matter what because self MUST be expressed

I’ll literally get so confident then expect the 3d to show me otherwise and be fearful and start asking myself what if it doesn’t happen and but if there is no separation between the 3d n 4d and all is imagination…. why would you NOT get it? … seriously… because the only way all those negative scenarios would happen is through persisting in them… it’s all imagination at the end of the day..

the relationship between the 3d and 4d is a simple input and output it’s just us who overcomplicate it because of all the baggage we’ve assigned to the law and all the things we’ve internalized about what we can or cannot do. if you assume something in imagination it MUST come to pass. just like if you go up you must come down. it’s a 1+1=2 situation and yet i complicate it so much…

but at the end of the day.. the materialization is guaranteed … because self must be expressed.. self is the only thing being expressed in this world bc the 3d cannot create..

after having this epiphany i’ve been able to self soothe and talk myself out of fear by reminding myself of this.. the 3d is my dutiful shadow. it follows in my footsteps.. whatever i experience in my real reality i must experience in the physical no matter what. I don’t care if it’s the day before an event and the pieces haven’t fell into place yet.. it MUST happen.. but only if you have confidence in this.. because I’ve noticed wavering is why we have wonky results..

but why do we waver?

We waver because deep down we think there is a separation between the imaginal and the physical. we think the physical is acting on its own outside of us and can create. which is why try as we might to maintain a state of confidence.. for the “big” things or the things that seem “out of reach”,, results may be spotty because we think our imaginal experiences aren’t enough and we convince ourselves that any of the things happening on the outside are out for our control

the truth is all that’s missing is confidence… a knowing.. an unshakeable conviction that what we say will happen MUST happen and WILL happen.. but the only way to do this is to truly understand that the 3d is your reflection and it can’t possibly show you anything you haven’t experienced…

I personally am now so so so excited for the end of the year and am looking forward to school (something i DREADED).. because i know a specific event MUST take place now which will change my life. why? because the real me experienced it in imagination and self must be expressed. why would my 3d show me something different unless i continuously waver and imagine something different.. if i experienced it why wouldn’t it push out? this realization has helped me be excited about things i was previously anxious about

i feel like the thing w the law is how “simple” it is but it’ll take you years to understand a simple concept. i hope you guys get what i’m saying here

[abra-ka-dammit]

Here I am again to beg for help paying for my (remaining) cats. Just when I thought I managed to get out relatively-cheap and easy with Zeppelin's quickly solved crystal scare the other week, Zelda cat started having severe difficulty breathing the night before last.

Her lungs look pretty wack on xray and ultrasound, with things that could indicate stuff like cat asthma or long term chronic airway disease, and theres a little air around one lung and under the skin of her chest somehow(???), but she's not presenting in a way that matches up to anything well enough for the doctors to know what's going on. Simply put, while I managed to squeeze the ER visit and 12 hour ICU stay into what had been cleared off my carecredit along with a little overflow on my near-maxed credit card, i cannot afford anything else. I managed to convince my mom* to loan me the $1653 and change in order to bring home a buster kennel and oxygen condenser along with antibiotics and anti-inflammatory meds: basically, I'm home-treating her for the Recover-From-able potential issues this could be. If this treatment plan ends without getting her back to a state where she can breathe "room air" again, the other things it could be are all things that would be irreversible, require serious surgery, or would otherwise ruin her further quality of life, so... you know. Let's hope this works, or once more euthanasia will be added to the bill.

Any help is greatly appreciated, especially since I'm inevitably going to need to go in for a follow up appointment whether this (seems to me like it) works or not, and unfortunately this all happened literally right before rent hit and I don't get paid again until friday of next week (9/13) so i have. no idea how im doing that yet.

*Part of the money my parents paid is refundable upon return of the kennel and oxygen machine but my father has already sent me long guilt trippy texts about how i'm ungrateful (apparently sobbing and thanking them as i continue to live in poverty to avoid further burdening them about my own human needs doesnt count) and essentially need to pick myself up by the bootstraps and afford my own cats (as though this freak timing, the ever worsening economy, or whether better jobs actually hire me is somehow totes under my control) so, yknow. yay for bonus stress

[bugmush]

ok this might be a long one. guys... i cannot tell you how badly i wanted to love veilguard, like i have been waiting for this game for so long. this is my absolute favourite video game series (it is literally what inspired my honours thesis, so big time fan here) and yet i am 5 hours in and cannot find anything that i have really enjoyed. the voice acting is super strange, especially from neve and irelin, the dialogue is clunky and over the top and the pacing is so slow. i wasn't super into how big inquisition was but only because a lot of it was kinda empty but i still loved walking around those spaces because they felt like real spaces- not just video game sets.

and rook! there are so few opportunities to give them any character at all. i constantly feel the game pulling me in one direction instead of allowing me to choose anything for myself.

the only thing that has brought me any joy at all is seeing solas and that was for a minute at the start, but then nothing. i really hope it turns around and it just has a shaky start but, man, i right now i am just kinda sad and disappointed.

also, this is definitely a me problem, but i get really bad motion sickness and the DA games have never been a problem for me but DATV's camera controls are a nightmare and i feel super nauseous after playing. i've tried changing it in settings but either you can't or my brain is small and i can't figure out how.