#all of these likes on this post and no one is sharing any college kaz hcs with me… sad!
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crucibleknight · 19 days ago
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i think we should talk about the fact that kaz went to college (ivy league!!!!!) more often it’s one of my favorite little details about him. i’ll go first i think he leaned hard into the prep/ivy look
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tincansamurai · 2 months ago
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fuck it, i'm cross postin the pifo oc monday posts here. but under a cut because i can't shut up. if you want to know stupid details about my ocs click here
here's the original post, ty to penbrydd for putting this together every week!
1. Were there any educators [x] bonded with or really liked? Tell us about them.
mat: matsuo took a CAD class in college with a professor who was very much on the cool young person end of the professor spectrum. there was a lot of chill-out time where students were just working on designs or hanging out while waiting for the laser cutter to finish, etc, and he got to talk to this professor way more casually than he had with any other educators before. they had a lot of shared interests, and it was nice to have someone who seemed to excited to see him. but like halfway through the semester he started feeling weird about it and switched to doing more of his work outside of the classroom. he's gonna look back at this after a couple of months of being out and wanna slap himself; like, you fuckin idiot you had a crush on him
kaz: first is his senior year hs english teacher. he didn't talk to her about all the shit he had going on but she could tell he was in a bad place, and she did a lot to encourage him to actually go to college and hype him up about the work he was doing. in college his archaeology 101 professor took a shine to him right away, and she ended up being his mentor throughout his time there, hooked him up with connections to digs looking for hands, had him be her TA for a couple of years, etc. unfortunately didn't make up for his shit grades in other courses, or the other various points of failure that've led him to working 2 shitty unrelated jobs
2. Does [x] usually see the same doctor (or other healthcare professional), or do they just see whoever's available, when they have a problem?
mat: he sees the same doctor, it's just easier to schedule that way. mat does his annual exams and gets all his shots like a good boy. he does lie about how much weed he smokes though
kaz: kaz literally only ever sees a doctor for emergencies/urgent care shit or std tests. he doesn't care who he sees, it's whoever is cheapest without insurance. he doesn't have a gp or do annuals or anything bc he feels fine and they're just gonna tell him to stop drinking, which isn't happening
3. Does [x] drink coffee? If so, how do they take it?
mat: yep, usually black. he likes dark strong coffee. someone should buy him an espresso machine. sometimes he gets a cappuccino or a latte if he's like hanging out with someone at a coffee shop, to have smth more substantial
kaz: yeah, he kind of likes shitty watered down drip coffee best, tbh
4. Has [x] had any memorable serious injuries?
mat: nope
kaz: broke his arm once as a dumb teen. don't drink and ride dirt bikes. lucky it was only his arm!
5. What's one time [x] has helped someone against their better judgement?
mat: just about any time he's had a group project for school or work, lol. mat wants shit to just be done, so he'll do extra work for no reward, even if he knows that's stupid and he should just speak up. even if he's doing the work for ppl he hates that he knows would never do shit for him.
kaz: one time he let a girl he was hooking up with stay at his and jaimie's place when she got kicked out by her roommates, even though he knew she was volatile and too into him. i mean, she was homeless, wtf, was he gonna not let her stay? lucky for him the only valuable item he owned was a shitty thinkpad, and a lot of his shirts look cooler with tears and burn marks. jaimie is still mad about this - she stole her fucking antique jewelry box!! he didn't even really like her!!!
6. Has [x] ever witnessed something that fundamentally changed them?
mat: 100% had a week or two where he was miserably obsessing over actual gore videos in middle school. this probably made him worse. but also he was outside in the golden hour at a music festival in the woods on shrooms once, and the beauty of the light through the leaves probably made enough of an impact to fix that a little bit
kaz: kaz has seen so much awful shit, it would suck for everyone to list it all out. it does mostly steel his resolve to be good to other people and to never touch harder drugs tho so i guess good changes idk
7. What song reminds you of [x]?
you all know i go wild making playlists for these guys, there are so many songs... so i'll go with one recent as-of-yet-not-included-in-a-public-playlist song for each of them (that are both also a little bit about each other)
mat: leilani - the night
kaz: shame - human, for a minute
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number-0-iz · 1 year ago
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hi there! this is your secret santa for the grishaverse! i was wondering if you could give me some information on your interests?? like what other media do you like?? (shows, movies, etc.) who is your favorite grishaverse character & ship, what is your favorite genre to read or watch, is there any kind of content you don't like, and are there any triggers i should stay away from, and anything else you wanna share! thanks in advance : )
Oof that's quite the ask! Well here we go:
Other interests:
This is gonna sound cheesy but I love writing when I get the time. The main character of my grishaverse fanfic, Anya Oryalen, truly has a special place in my heart and just feels so real to me, it's a feeling I can't describe.
A lot of the commenters on the fanfic seem to love her as well and it's just something so personal. I have been told that she is a true inspiration and that she is very realistically written in trying to overcome obstacles and hardships and her own walls.
I love to draw but I haven't been able to do it in ages thanks to college and assignments and stuff.
I obviously love to read.
I also love editing for my books and upload then to my YouTube frequently.
Love having sister nights with my older sisters when we're all together.
What other medias do I like:
Well currently I am reading Blades Of Light And Shadow book 2 on the choices stories you play app! I liked book 1 more than book 2 but I still really like it!
I am also on another rewatch of Friends! And Shadow And Bone season 2 so I can take notes for my fanfic!
I haven't really had the time to read other books what with college classes and stuff but the last book I read was Once And Future Witches, currently reading Dragonflight by Anne McCaffery. I also finished volume two of the manga In The Land Of Leadale.
My favourite characters:
My favourite grishaverse characters are Kaz Brekker and Nikolai Lantsov! I have done deepdives on their character, what other people think of them etc as to write beautiful and full characters for my fanfic.
My favourite grishaverse ship:
I'm gonna sound very very basic but I love Kanej. I also like David/Genya and show Malina but not as much as them.
My favourite genre
Well I really love different variations of fantasy. Like contemporary fantasy (fantasy elements in a world like ours), full on fantasy world, historical fantasy, high fantasy and dark fantasy.
I also do quite like Sci fi.
Content I don't like:
(Trigger warning ahead)
Dark genre books that basically tries to reason that things like rape or stalking are okay or sexy. When I say I like dark fantasy, I mean in the sense with gore and death and violence and war and not whatever shit like Haunting Adeline or some SJM stuff that tries to talk good about stuff like abduction. Or the glorification of shit like Stockholm syndrome like in those 365 movies. Read and watch that all you like but keep it away from me and do keep in mind that it is and should always stay fictional.
I'm not a big romance read because I often find that when one focuses solely on the romance storyline, other might suffer. I really prefer it as a sub genres because that way other genres in a book or show can make it feel more whole and complete.
Something else I don't like is how people claim that 'art' or 'architecture' or 'pictures' made by AI are real art/architecture/pictures. I cannot stand that shit. As a writer, artist (don't post that stuff and haven't worked on it a while but still), a person studying Interior Design, that is the type of shit that I absolutely despise and it will have a major effect of the things I will do as a job in the future. Sure some AI can and probably will be helpful in the future but stuff like MidJourney and OpenAI are the dangerous ones that you shouldn't trust at all.
That's about all I can think of! Do come back again and I hope to see more!
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ace-in-a-shopping-cart · 2 years ago
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Hey, I know you don't really have a fanfic ask game up at the moment but I'm really interested in your work.
Got any snippets of anything to share? Or, any works that you really want to ramble about for a bit? I just want to hear you talk about your writing for a minute if that's alright. (ahhh, *hides in the corner while embarrassed*)
Okay, anon, for real, this is the sweetest ask I've gotten in a big while. Thank you so much for liking my stuff so much and liking me enough to just 'want to hear me talk' about my stuff. For that, I'll give you a little excerpt from my few WIPs and I'll talk a little bit about my planned projects.
An excerpt from Before Your Kisses Turn Into Bruises (A time loop fic for Kaz Brekker x Reader)
There was a look in their eye that did something to Kaz, a gravity about them that tugged at him. It threatened to pull him closer and into their orbit, closer than he would let most people get. He managed to resist that gravitational pull, but only just. Instead, he watched as they made their way across the small space of the intersection and came to stand at his side.
A frustrating excerpt from Tutoring the Popular Student (the story before the ASMR script)
“Here’s the number for the Tutoring Center. For the ones you need, that’s gonna be on the ground floor of the BI building.” Jason stared at him blankly. "Sorry, Coach, I've never been to the BI. I don't even know what it's used for. All my classes like that are usually in the general Business Building of the BU." Coach Bradford sighed. "The center for Business and Industry, the BI, is to the left of the BU from the back. It's right behind the bookstore, next to the cafeteria."
Okay, those are the two excerpts I've got for you unless you wanted stuff from finished but not posted works.
As for not started works, I don't really have any clear order of how I want to work on them. I'm probably going to work on smaller scripts as I work on the Tutoring series as it is a series, just like I'm working on smaller fics along with the longer fic that is Love Me Gently (Protect Me Fiercely). Although, I really do need to get back into working on that one, it's kinda stalled a bit because wording has escaped me for it. I need to reread it for characterization of the reader and stuff like that.
A small note: The kinda ramble about the College Buildings in the Tutoring excerpt is based on the way my actual college campus so it's a little personal joke of mine.
I can say the next script I'm most likely to work on after the first episode of Tutoring is probably going to be Bodyguard X Royal Listener [A4A]. The premise of that one is actually written in my notes as a little ramble from the Bodyguard XD
Hey, you just woke from a nightmare and are pretty scared right now. I know I’m technically supposed to just be posted outside but I couldn’t help but barge in when I heard the scream, are you okay? I’ll just sit in here until you fall back asleep, it’ll be fine. Oh, you want me to sit on the bed next to you? Okay, I can do that. Oh, now you’re snuggling against me. Yeah, anything to make you feel safer. God, you’ll never know just how much I love you. Wait, you’re not asleep yet? You love me back? Okay, I’ll make sure you sleep as comfortably as possible. I can’t take off my armor cause I’m still on duty but put your pillow on my lap or against me and I’ll stroke your hair and whisper to you until you fall asleep.
It's a very cute concept to me and I'm really interested in writing it, I just can't figure out how to actually start it. It'll get done soon, I think.
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serene-victory-77 · 4 years ago
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Why The Crows Being Teenagers Is Actually Perfectly Realistic
There’s a TL;DR are the end because wow I like to rant.
I lightly discuss the general situations they’re all in to explore how they are frighteningly mature and competent, but it’s not particularly depressing or descriptive, it’s definitely lighter than the books
I thought about this post with a joke first: “People who think that Six of Crows is unrealistic because they’re so young clearly have not spent much time with traumatized honors students.”
It’s a bit of an exaggeration, but the point stands.
But I decided that, hm, actually, I could make a point about this. I totally agree with the aging up of the characters in the Shadow and Bone show, but when people straight up say that the books are wrong or unrealistic for having a young crew, I get annoyed, and here’s why (other than me reading the books for the first time when I was 13 and thinking ‘Huh okay, I see it’ and now being lowkey offended when people say they ignore it for being unrealistic):
On Inej
- At first I thought Inej’s wisdom and general demeanor was one of the most unrealistic things in the book
- When I thought about it longer, I was like “Actually, she’s 16, right? I’ve sent some of the most lyrical philosophy trying to help my friends while in high school. My friends have done the same. It’s valid.”
- Frankly, teenagers love hard-hitting philosophical truths. They love repeating what they’ve read or heard in movies and in books and from family stories. They love sharing little bits of wisdom they have come up with
- Inej’s ability to hear and understand philosophy and wisdom that she was surrounded by for 14 straight years and then sit on it and elaborate it for her friends to understand, or even just to piss them off in Kaz’s case? 
- Teenagers have that. They do it. So, Inej’s Wisdom passes, to me. It’s valid. 
As for her being calm
- You know how everyone jokes that Kaz seems calm on the outside but when you get to his POV he’s like “What the fuck” at the Van Eck house or just straight up “Huh, is this revenge for making tree jokes” at the Djel River thingy in the Ice Court?
- Inej is like that, too. And she gets angry, and she gets confused, or exhausted.
- AKA every quiet kid ever. Like, are you kidding? Have you ever been in a situation in which it’s literally chaos all around you, people are screaming and things are being destroyed (think middle school classroom with bitchy long term substitute and even worse students), and you’re just, calm? You pick up your things, you do what you need to do?
- That’s Inej. Like, what else is she gonna do? She’s smart enough to know that panicking won’t help anyone, and so she just rides it out. Internally she might be like “Why is this happening” but frankly, her being quiet and controlled in most situations is probably a coping mechanism and I respect that
- Pretty sure this is also based on the fact that the Suli have no land for their own and constantly have to keep moving. It might align with generational trauma, I’m sure someone could explain it better than me, but being able to keep your cool while constantly having to change and adapt to new situations, in, say, a country with hellfire politics and no land to call your own? Seems like a hereditary trait that could be useful in Ketterdam, although it’s sad.
On Inej’s abilities
- Simone Biles started training when she was 6 and went to the World Artistic Gymnastics Championships when she was 16, where she qualified in all the events. 
- There are videos of people walking over tightropes as young as three years old. We know Inej didn’t start that young, but not only was she naturally talented at it, but she spent a lot of time practicing. I think it’s valid. Plus, some of her family members do some pretty crazy things in her flashbacks, because that’s the whole point of what they do. 
- Youngest person to beat American Ninja Warrior was 16 year old Vance Walker
- Inej has a variety of of tools that help her wall climb, and while it’s true that she started young and got good really fast, she already had a history of physical work that would help her, and from what we can gleam from the book, a surprising amount of free time in which she was actively encouraged to learn everything she could. 
So that’s Inej! I think her skills are perfectly possible for someone with her history and situation. It’s true that she’s naturally skilled, but that’s not actually all that unusual. And her demeanor and wisdom do fit in with what a lot of teenagers are like and the circumstances she was brought up in
Onto Kaz!
- One thing I hear about is that Kaz is too smart for not having gone to school and also too young to know all that he does
- Do you all KNOW how many self-taught people there have been in this world? The word for people who are self-taught is autodidacts, and honestly a huge amount of famous people apply. Like many, many other people in history (there’s a whole list of them in Wikipedia), he had an vested interest in a field and he learned all he could. Sure, those fields were magic tricks and math, but still.
- Suddenly I have a lot of thoughts
- Okay, think, hyperfixations. That’s essentially what Kaz’s thing with magic tricks was, right? Have any of you ever spent time with an eight year old that clearly really, really loves dinosaurs? Those kids can spout names and facts and identify them by their skeletons and frankly know more than I ever will. Kaz’s was magic tricks. All kids are special.
- Kaz continued working on magic tricks and practicing them for years, so, I think that gets a pass. 
- As for the math! Look, a Fact Of Life is that some kids are just Like That, whether it be possibly from neurodivergence or other factors:
- Flo and Kay Lyman are twins with Autism who basically have the calendar of EVER memorized. Kaz memorizing card decks is sensible, and these ladies don’t need to look up anything to figure it out, so Kaz doing sums inside his head seems plausible. His “photographic memory’ isn’t impossible, although the term itself might be incorrect.
- Katherine Johnson who worked at NASA (yes, the lady from Hidden Figures), was so good at math that she was in high school by age 10 and went to college at age 15. It’s true that she had some teaching, but 1. There’s no evidence Kaz had absolutely no schooling, even if it was just at home with books and 2. Kaz was 9 when he came to Ketterdam, and after Jordie died, when he wasn’t surviving, he was learning. 
- Human calculator is a term that is applied to children a lot and there’s definitely plenty of videos showing how smart these kids are and them doing mental math easily, which he does in the books
- He had a LOT of pressure on him to figure out all he could, and if he wanted to move forward, he was going to have to learn a lot. He spent hours practicing magic tricks, for all we know he spent hours practicing math too. We know Jordie was a bit of a bookworm too, so Kaz from a young age probably already had a reason to learn. Personally, a lot of my love for books was inspired by my older sibling when I was younger
- Young people are adaptable. Kaz is incredibly adaptable. The term prodigy exists because of people like him through history. 
- As for him being rational, there’s no other way to survive. Some of the greatest soldiers in history have been very, very young, and very, very smart. It’s true tacticians are generally considered to be older, but that doesn’t mean there haven’t been very young ones. 
- A lot of the generals I found were like, 19 years old, but Kaz is 1. not a general and 2. in a place where young people take up the mantle really, really quickly, and frankly it’s been like that for a long time. I still think this passes. This isn’t relevant but William the Conqueror was apparently called “The Bastard”?
- Frankly, underground communities of thieves probably don’t go around publishing their escapades so to me it makes sense that I can’t just look up “famous young thieves” and get anything that makes sense, but I did try
- Y’all I tried to do research on youngest escape artists since I think Kaz qualifies and I found myself in what I think is a magicians forum? It’s from 2002-ish and I feel like I’ve just found a relic. I can’t definitely prove they’re all saying the truth, but some of the people there talk about 10-11 year olds at magic camps, so, it’s not impossible for this to be a skill Kaz learned really young, particularly when he made a habit of following around magicians
- I think he passes the realism check overall
For the other Crows:
- Nina being so proficiently multilingual makes sense to me, because she’s been in the Little Palace almost her entire life with all the best teachers they could afford at her disposal. Some people just click with languages. One such would be Timothy Doner, who spoke 23 languages at 16. 
- Nina is a child soldier. She of course can handle the battlefield, although I imagine there’s a degree of trauma that she has to deal with (although it’s true that most of her work was always meant to angle her towards being a spy).
- Jesper was taught to shoot from a young age by Aditi, who was likely incredibly proficient. Plus, there’s mentions of him and his father being on some sort of frontier at one point in the books, so, it’s likely that Jesper got his fair share of ‘being a child soldier” since he would’ve been 15 or younger. Plus, with being a Fabrikator, he gets a leg up
- Jesper’s smart y’all, he just also likes to have fun
- I am a little terrified by the fact that I looked up ‘youngest sharpshooter’ and found out about a 9 year old girl (Addysson “Addy” Soltau) who can indeed shoot guns, but uh, it does prove my point
- Matthias... I haven’t heard anyone really argue about Matthias. He’s the oldest at 18 and again, he’s essentially a religious child soldier. Of course he would be built af and know how to handle himself in a fight, and in a flashback about meeting Trassel, we’re told that he was actually distanced from the other boys and was the biggest and strongest/smartest of the group. Perhaps not compared to Kaz, but still
- We know how Wylan ended up how he is, so I don’t think i have to defend how he’s both a musical prodigy, good at math, and good at chemistry. Plenty of kids who can’t do one thing will immediately gravitate to a different field (think AP math students who can’t write essays, or those kids who could analyse a book and it’s metaphors in class but didn’t understand geometry).
- Granted he took it far but it’s kinda implied that  his father ignored him eventually and what else was Wylan going to do
- I don’t really know how he did chemistry while not being able to read the symbols and stuff, but that’s likely because I’ve never had to learn the way he did and also I really suck at Chemistry, but I refuse to believe that it invalidates his capabilities
Final Thoughts:
- They’re Traumatized Honors Students
- People might say that “it’s unrealistic that all the smart ones somehow ended up together” but again they’re traumatized honors students and those gravitate to each other
- Of course the smart ones ended up together, they’re the ones in those crazy situations precisely because they are prodigies. Nina wouldn’t have met Matthias if she wasn’t skilled and a spy, Kaz wouldn’t have known Inej if she hadn’t been skilled at silence (I can’t explain that one but uh ninjas did/do exist and it IS still a fantasy world). Kaz would have never been a leader of the Dregs in a position to find Jesper if he hadn’t been so determined to rise to the top, and Jesper wouldn’t have been in Ketterdam if his father hadn’t thought that Jesper was smart enough to get that chance.
- You know how those fringe revolutionary artists for new eras end up knowing all knowing each other and even hanging out? That’s them.
- I have decided there is a strong basis for Autistic Kaz, someone who is more studied than me should feel free to explore this.
- I read this book a few years ago, A Long Way Gone by Ishmael Beah. It’s about this guy’s experiences as a boy soldier and it’s a painful read so I’m not sure I recommend it as a casual read, but he talked about these young kids being able to actually make competent military strategies and handle warfare. It’s an extreme example of what I’m trying to explain when it comes to them being able to handle the brutality of their situation, but it’s true, essentially
- They are definitely serious, but if you think they’re not teenagers I just, disagree so much. They have moments of lighthearted banter, they make light of their situation, they try to support each other Nina covers it so well in her farewell at the end of Crooked Kingdom: The little rescues of laughing at each others jokes or eating together and just supporting each other, is not only a very human thing, but a very teenager thing. 
- Scary experiences that shape us happen all the time, and although for most it’s not the things that the Crows experience, picking each other up is a big part of why they do read as teenagers to me. I’ve seen kids be able to seriously converse about things like being questioned by the police, or being left to their own devices for days at a time, or the general impending doom they all feel, and it’s dark, but they’re also going to joke about silly puns 20 minutes later. 
- Teenagers aren’t exempt from terrifying maturity and competence
- Finally: Despite all I said, it’s a fantasy story and doesn’t have to be realistic
In the end, everyone can believe what they want to believe, but this is my case for my opinion.
TL;DR The Crows are all prodigies and a lot of their achievements and capabilities are based in reality and there are real people who actually achieved things like what they’ve done. Messed up prodigies gravitate to messed up prodigies, hence how they all end up together. When it comes to their mental state, most of them have been brought up their entire lives in situations that required for them to problem solve and keep their cool even when things are going to hell.
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vidaflxwer · 5 years ago
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to all the villains i’ve loved before: part one
so since tumblr decided to be evil today, i’ve decided to just make this post about the top five villains that i love and save it periodically as much as i possibly can so that i don’t lose anything i say. i’m upset i lost so much that i said about a few of these characters in particular because it was all very heartfelt and loving but you know. you win some, you lose some!
if you all like this i can make a few more posts because i have plenty of villains that i’ve loved in my lifetime that i will not shut up about. plus, some are just funny little mei stories of me being morally conflicted as a child over whether or not it was acceptable for me to have a crush on this character or not
surprise surprise! i grew out of that phase eventually but i would like to caution everyone that these are villains. they have done horrible things but i do not condone their actions by any means. 
now that we have that out of the way, here comes me being extremely soft over five chaotic bastards for as long as it takes me to explain how much i love them. which i never will be able to. so i guess here’s a condensed version of why i love them? i don’t know! all i know is that this will be long and soft and loving so strap yourselves in. 
1. sano kojima
well, this one comes with a bit of a story!
one night, my friend and i were talking and she was telling me about this fanfic she was working on! she let me read a bit of it and i was immediately interested in it, and asked her to link me to it when she was done and she posted it on ao3! so she did but, alongside that link, she told me that i’d probably actually enjoy the game she wrote about if i enjoyed the fanfic she wrote that much and sent me the link to the game he was from, saying that i’d like a different character from it. me, having absolutely no idea what i was getting into but trusting my friends to know my tastes entirely, decided to play it!
and that’s how i fell in love with sano!
i can’t say if it was just how late at night it was that made me fall for him so hard or if i was just particularly lonely then or whatever, but all i know is that i don’t think there’s a single other character that i’ve fallen this hard for in my entire lifetime (though mello is definitely a close second, which i think says something). i actually got insanely pissed off when i got one of his bad endings the first time i played it because i thought i was doing pretty well! all things considered, he seemed to actually like me, which rarely happens whenever i have to impress a character in a game romantically because i suck, but it just felt like everything was going well! and considering the type of game it is, well, i think it’s easy to see why i was so shocked. however when i got the bad ending, i looked up cheats straight away and fixed my only mistake and got one of his good endings and the rest is really history! that very night i actually started writing a fic about him, not one of the two that are posted (and please, never read the one i wrote with my best friend. it’s so bad. i regret it), but i still go back and reread it time to time because it holds a special place in my heart. 
i cannot express my love for sano in a single tumblr post - let alone, one he has to share with a few other characters i love to bits - but i can try my best! i think a part of it is that i’ve never really had someone as stable and mature as him in my life, so i kind of latched onto that part of his personality for dear life. he’s very blunt in the way he deals with your feelings, that much is true, but it’s not blunt in a very condescending way? it’s just like, “yeah, we all feel like this sometimes, and it’s okay” which was? definitely not something i was expecting from his character? he’s very shy which is super cute - he actually gets all flustered in the beginning if you say you want to learn more about him, and asks why you’d want to know more about him, which i adore - and his blushing face... god it’s adorable. i always imagine his laugh and his voice to be really soothing too. i’ve written about both of them so often they feel more real than my own headcanons at this point, but it makes me soft. not to mention he’s just hot. he’s a sadist, i don’t know if i mentioned that, and some of his lines... they really speak to me. the things he does to you in the game aren’t, uh, very nice but i rather enjoyed them. he even has a sense of humor which is surprising? in one of his routes he just makes jokes with you the entire time which is so sweet. he’s very caring, too. he might injure you but he takes insanely good care of your wounds afterwards, and tries to make sure you’re not in too much excessive pain beyond what he inflicts on you, which is adorable. god he’s adorable just thinking about this is making me all soft. did i mention that he’s also half snake demon? because he is! he’s always cold which is why he lights a fire at one point in the game, to keep himself warm, but he’s very shy about his actual demon form which is so cute... i love him with all of my heart, okay? i forgot to say he’s a doctor. well, i don’t think he’s a legal doctor, considering his age, but he sure is smart like one. and i rather love intelligence in a character so it’s astonishing to me. i’m gonna stop rambling because this will just be a post where i talk about how much i love sano for five hours straight but point is: i love him. 
2. victor vale
victor’s rather new to my life - i only just read vicious for the first time last year, and i’m rereading it now and it’s been a blast - but he’s definitely wormed his way into my heart. 
victor’s just powerful. that’s the best way i can describe him, both with the actual power he has and his own personality, and it’s so absolutely mesmerizing. some of the lines written in regards to his character, whether it be his dialogue or internal monologue, just carry this energy to them that’s so insanely powerful? that’s such a bad way to describe it, but really, there aren’t many words i’ve found that can fully encapsulate the sheer badass nature of “victor vale was not a fucking sidekick.” i didn’t mention that - he broke out of prison just so he could defeat his ex-best friend from college, eli ever, after being in prison for ten years - and if that isn’t dedication, i don’t know what is. you have to keep in mind, eli’s invincible. his power is literally regeneration. while victor might be able to manipulate pain, even he can’t kill someone who regenerates. but he wants to try. all he cares about is the chance to make eli hurt, to make him scream and pay for the hell he put him through and his self-righteousness that’s caused him to become a serial killer, and that’s what i love so much. he’s cold, intelligent, and ruthless - three of my favorite traits in any villain, but that’s not all! he’s actually a bit soft, deep down! he “adopts” a girl named sydney throughout the course of the novel, as well as a dog named dol, whom he raises alongside his cellmate he escaped with from prison named mitch. they’re such a chaotic little family but i love them to death, and victor’s actually sweet to all of them, in his own way. not to mention that he’s still not over the death of the only girl he ever loved, angie, even if he inadvertently caused her death himself. i don’t know. he’s just awesome. and such a badass. and i love him. and he was a med student so bonus points to him for that! 
3. kaz brekker
oh goodness gracious, kaz brekker. i read six of crows last year and i cannot tell you the amount of feelings i had for most of the cast without becoming a giant mess because wow did leigh bardugo write some very attractive characters but kaz was the one who just screamed my type. he’s the entire reason i actually decided to read six of crows and i’m not mad about that decision in the slightest because wow did i fall hard for kaz brekker. he’s sort of one of those self-proclaimed “businessmen” who scams people out of money because he can, which makes sense considering that’s how he wound up losing his brother at a young age, but the way he goes about it... well, it’s interesting, to say the least. his dialogue specifically is just amazing. especially when he’s flirting a bit with his love interest, inej, which in the beginning is just over-dramatic fake flirting but it’s adorable. he calls her his darling inej and my heart about melted. i should mention that he always dresses obnoxiously nice, the majority of people in ketterdam are poor and struggling, which is a bonus. and he has leather gloves. he’s wonderful because he’s such a badass - this bastard has a limp and can fight like nobody’s business - yet he cares about his little team. as much as he might hate to admit it, he does have a fondness for each of them in his heart, which i find sweet. not to mention his entire motivations for becoming as ruthless as he is revolve around his brother who succumbed to the plague that kaz himself survived at age ten, leaving him alone in ketterdam with nobody to rely on but himself. he’s such a fighter and i love that so much about him. he took his scars and turned them into revenge and i think that’s one of his strongest points as a character, his dedication to screwing over the man who screwed him over. i just love kaz brekker i can’t take it he’s gorgeous and deserves the world. 
4. mello
and here’s the only character who i’ve ever possessed a love for that’s even slightly comparable to that i feel for sano.
mello... where do i even begin? mello was another character i found at just the right point in my life. he’s the one who taught me what an inferiority complex was and showed me how bad my own was, but made me understand exactly why it was i loved villains so much. because they make their own decisions, regardless of if they’re immoral or not. i admire anyone who has the courage that it takes to be like, “no. i’m not going to become who you thought i was” and strive to be better than they were expected to be, to become more. mello was the first time i really saw that expressed in such a painfully raw way emotion wise so i wound up rooting for him to beat near and light and become the winner in this messed up game that was happening. sadly, as most of you probably know mello’s fate, that is not what wound up happening and needless to say, i was heartbroken about it. mello is truly one of the characters who i will say deserved better. it’s not often that i think a villain deserves a happy ending but goddammit, mello did. he deserved so much better. he was constantly compared to near and shamed for his impulsiveness and it just broke my heart to see how much he was internally struggling to become the best. when i realized that near used him in his own plan, i was so beyond pissed off. 
mello is attractive. he’s badass - he rides a motorcycle, wears pretty much all leather, has such an attractive voice, and not to mention just carries himself in a way that i’m so drawn to - but i love him for so much more than just that. i love him because of what he represents - of who he represents - and i truly wish that more people fully understood his character because he is one of the most relatable villains i’ve found so far. i don’t know. i still have so many strong feelings towards him and miss him so, so much every single time i think about him. 
5. laito sakamaki
i’m gonna be honest with all of you here and say i cannot figure out, for the absolute life of me, why in the world i love laito sakamaki. he doesn’t fit my type at all? in the slightest? there’s nothing about him that would scream mei’s favorite diabolik lovers character? if anything, reiji should be my favorite but alas, while he is very attractive looks wise, his personality drives me up a wall. laito actually used to be probably my least favorite out of the boys alongside reiji, but i randomly warmed up to him recently and i’m glad(?) about that decision. he’s a mess. he’s so flirtatious and does not know by any means what personal space is and is just very forward with yui, to say the least, but i’ll be damned if this vampire boy does not have one of the hottest voices on the planet. daisuke hirakawa actually is going to voice lucien, a hot doctor from a different dating sim, in an upcoming anime adaptation of said game which i am very excited about because god does this man have a fantastic voice... laito’s just such an asshole and maybe that’s why i love him? maybe i love the way that he’s persistently awful and so flirtatious in the way that he is awful? then there’s the church scene in the anime which... if you have not scene the church scene, that’s probably for the best but his dialogue in that scene ruined me. everything about that scene ruined me. i could barely breathe watching that scene because it is one of the most attractive things i have ever seen in my entire life and i adore it. 
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scorpio-karma · 3 years ago
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I posted 3,959 times in 2021
86 posts created (2%)
3873 posts reblogged (98%)
For every post I created, I reblogged 45.0 posts.
I added 127 tags in 2021
#asks - 33 posts
#bonnie bennett - 25 posts
#bonkai - 16 posts
#ask meme - 10 posts
#kaz brekker - 9 posts
#kanej - 8 posts
#anti plec - 7 posts
#bbhcweek - 7 posts
#bbhc week - 6 posts
#🤣🤣🤣 - 6 posts
Longest Tag: 139 characters
#here lies jazmin. she was a kid i was in the mountain festival parades every year and the fact that they charged her for that hits me deep.
My Top Posts in 2021
#5
What would you have wanted to know more about Bonnie Bennett?
Take this survey and the top 7 will be the themes for a Bonnie Bennett Headcanons week.
59 notes • Posted 2021-10-22 18:50:59 GMT
#4
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Bonnie Bennett Bedroom
"I can't believe I'm in Bonnie Bennett's bedroom."
"If you keep using my first and last name like that I'm going to ask you to leave Bonnie Bennett's bedroom."
68 notes • Posted 2021-02-10 17:45:36 GMT
#3
Kaz: I've got nothing to lose.
*sees Inej*
Kaz: I've got one thing to lose.
78 notes • Posted 2021-06-19 21:54:42 GMT
#2
Magic mirror on the wall, who's the fairest one of Mystic Falls...
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Bonnie Bennett Headcanons Week
📢 Attention all Bonnie Bennett fans, I'm proud to present a week of headcanons about our favorite witch.
From November 14th until November 20th we will be sharing out headcanons about Bonnie with a different theme for each day, a theme you all voted on. Please note, I did combine some of the themes because they were too similar to have separate days with, so instead of a top 7 it ended up being more of a top 10.
Without further ado the winning themes for the week (in no particular order) are:
November 14th: Magic
November 15th: College
November 16th: Childhood/Family/Ancestors
November 17th: Tattoos
November 18th: Sexuality
November 19th: Hair
November 20th: Careers/Hobbies
You may interpret these themes however you like and make any type of post (metas, gifsets, moodboards, etc.) that your heart desires about them. There is also no limit to how many posts you can make per theme. Let your imagination run wild!
The only requirement I do have is that you tag it #BBHCweek so I we can find your posts and reblog it. Also @ me if you have trouble getting it visible in the tag, we all know how tumblr dysfunctions.
Anyway hope to see you all then and let's collectively piss off Plec by showing her how you write a major character 😉. Have fun!
120 notes • Posted 2021-11-05 13:16:06 GMT
#1
Inej: (kisses Kaz’s neck)
Kaz: what is this ?
Inej: affection
Kaz: disgusting
Kaz:
Kaz: do it again
178 notes • Posted 2021-09-15 17:30:33 GMT
Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →
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felicia-cat-hardy · 3 years ago
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These 2 Best Friends Met On Twitter During The Pandemic
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Friends may come and go, but best friends are forever. In Elite Daily's Bestie Check series, we're celebrating the stories that make best friendship so special. Whether they grew up together or recently met through an app, this series explores the unique ways BFFs first bonded and how they maintain their strong friendships to this day. Did they hit it off instantly? What was their biggest fight about? Who's better at keeping secrets? If you thought passing the vibe check was hard, only the very best can pass the bestie check.
When Beatriz "Bea" Atienza tweeted about her love of a particular romantic pairing — Malex, for fans of the show — from The CW's series Roswell, New Mexico in April 2020, she had no idea she'd meet her future BFF on Twitter as a result. Yet that's exactly what happened after Alba B. J. responded to Bea's tweet "desperate to find someone" to talk to about the same on-screen couple — even if it meant talking to a stranger.
The self-identifying feminists — who live half a country apart, in two different regions of Spain — were both in lockdown amid the coronavirus pandemic when they first slid into each other's DMs. While distance could potentially hurt a lot of friendships, it's all Bea and Alba have ever known throughout the course of their year-long relationship — and they love it. They even became pen pals in recent weeks, hand-writing letters to each other whenever they get a chance. In Bea's own words about their letter exchange: "If we weren’t in the Bridgerton mood enough, we are now."
All it took was one tweet about a TV show ship to kickstart their fangirl friendship. Their shared love of books, graphic novels, and other series is how they continued to bond. Though they've yet to meet in real life (which they hope to be able to do this summer), how they view everything outside of fandoms — like love, politics, and family — is why they consider each other besties.
Here's their story:
Alba B. J.
About Me: Intense fangirl, food and music lover, devoted feminist, and human rights defender.
Age: 20
Current Location: I was born, raised, and currently live in Spain — 30 minutes outside Barcelona.
Zodiac Sign: Gemini
Beatriz "Bea" Atienza
About Me: Aspiring teacher, chocolate lover, and your local feminist fangirl.
Age: 20
Current Location: I live in a town called Aranjuez — about 45 minutes away from Madrid, Spain.
Zodiac Sign: Hardcore Libra
How did you two meet?
Bea Atienza: I had posted a tweet in Spanish regarding my favorite ship from The CW's Roswell, New Mexico, Malex — aka Michael and Alex, played by Michael Vlamis and Tyler Blackburn, respectively — and Alba replied because, like me, she had never met anyone in the fandom who spoke Spanish before.
Alba B. J.: I was desperate to find someone to talk to about Roswell, New Mexico, and that's how I (thankfully) found Bea. We started talking about the show and other fandoms, and the rest is history.
What was your first impression of each other?
ABJ: That she was another version of me I needed to meet. Where has she been all this time? What an amazing girl!
BA: I thought she was very outgoing and super nice for replying without even knowing me. I hadn’t been a part of fandom Twitter that long and I didn’t realize how people who had never met could connect just like that. It was a nice surprise to see her reply and how nice and passionate about being a fan she was, because it reminded me of myself.
How long have you known each other?
ABJ: Over a year now. April 27, 2021 marked one year since we started talking.
How long have you considered yourselves best friends?
BA: I don’t think there’s a specific moment where we said, “Oh, we’re very close now.” It just kind of flowed.
ABJ: I really can’t say when exactly, but we bonded more over the last few months. Thanks for that, Bridgerton!
What initially sparked your friendship?
BA: I think it was the fact that we were both equally passionate about being fans. There are people who can watch a show or a movie or read a book and not become hardcore invested in it, but we do — it’s an important part of our lives. Bonding over pop culture pieces that you love can join two people as much as any other element or hobby. I didn’t have anyone around who lived the fandom life like that and who I had as many fandoms in common with, so finding Alba was special.
ABJ: Nothing brings two fangirls together like fangirling over the same things.
Do you know if you're astrologically compatible? Do you care?
BA: We’ve never really checked. I love to see Libra-related memes and stuff like that, but I’m not really into serious astrology.
ABJ: I really don’t know, but honestly, I don’t care. I know that we are compatible no matter what our astrology signs suggest.
What did you study in school?
ABJ: I studied cinematic production at school, and I am waiting to finalize it with an internship. While waiting to do so, I am working in a factory where my dad works.
BA: I’m almost finished with my third year in college. I’m studying to be a preschool and primary school teacher.
Have you ever lived together?
ABJ: Unfortunately, we haven’t met in person — but I think living with Bea would be marvelous since we’re so alike. I feel we would be on the same page about how the housekeeping would work and everything. I’d love to be roommates for some time with her, honestly.
How often do you text/call/FaceTime each other?
ABJ: We talk practically every day and we try to FaceTime, but sometimes it’s difficult to combine agendas. But we’re messaging, sending each other memes and fandom-related stuff all the time.
BA: We text and send audios to each other daily. FaceTiming is harder because we’re both quite busy during the week, and during the weekends either she’s out or I’m out. We’ve seen some movies together, though.
What was the last thing you texted about?
BA: My dilemma regarding my WhatsApp background. I currently have this beautiful shot of Jonathan Bailey (Anthony in Bridgerton) with a bunch of flowers, but I found a really cute pic of Shadow and Bone's Kaz and Inej that I also love, and I know Alba's the one who can help me.
ABJ: About Kate and Anthony, the main couple of the second season of Bridgerton, and the book I'm currently reading: Here the Whole Time by Vitor Martins.
What’s one TV show you both agree on?
BA: I can’t really choose one, because we generally think the same: Teen Wolf, Roswell, New Mexico, Bridgerton, and Shadow and Bone.
What's your favorite underrated thing about each other?
BA: Her style! I’ve seen many pictures of her outfits and I love her fashion — it’s casual, but cute and modern, and I envy that in a good way.
ABJ: The way we understand each other perfectly. Even from the beginning of our friendship, we have always understood each other, no matter the subject, the situation, or the "problem."
What is your favorite memory together?
BA: Either the time we watched Pride and Prejudice (2005) together — because Alba had never seen it and I’m a super fan — or when I sent her a Red, White & Royal Blue book pin and we started our letter exchange. (We’re pen pals, too!)
ABJ: It’s not one, per se — it’s the way I can always count on Bea. No matter the issue, fan stuff, important stuff, happy/sad stuff, she’s always there for me.
What’s one random memory you have of each other?
BA: It’s not really a memory we had together, but it has always stuck with me that Alba told me that when she watched Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again, she started crying in the first five minutes and didn’t stop until the end of the movie.
ABJ: Maybe the way our friendship started, because I would have never thought that sending Bea that DM would have created this one-of-a-kind bond.
Which one of you is better at keeping secrets?
ABJ: I’d have to say it's a tie, because we’re both really good at keeping secrets.
BA: I’d say we’re both quite good at it. I’d never betray anyone’s trust, and I know she wouldn’t, either.
What was your biggest fight about?
BA: We've never really had a fight, hehe.
ABJ: We have never fought. Yay, friendship!
Was there ever a time when you considered not being friends?
BA: Nope.
ABJ: Honestly, no — more like the opposite. I want to be more friends, if that makes any sense. She’s such an amazing person, and we connect and understand each other so well, I still feel we could be closer.
What’s one word you’d use to describe your friendship?
BA: Serendipitous — finding something that makes you happy by chance.
ABJ: I’d go with fascinating. Every day with Bea is so beautiful and exciting.
Why do you think your friendship works?
BA: I don’t think we have a relationship like one you can have with someone you’re with every day, so of course the deeper bonds of physical contact have not arisen yet, but I think we work because we’re so similar in many aspects of life. It’s not just that we like the same TV shows, but also that we see love, family relationships, politics, etc. in very similar ways as well. We deal with certain situations in the same way and that makes me feel connected to her.
ABJ: We really understand each other and we are always there. We’re almost the same person. We feel and like things the same way. The same way we are there to fangirl over everything, we're there when more serious and mature events happen, too.
What’s the biggest lesson you’ve learned from each other?
ABJ: That it's always OK to be yourself. No matter how intense or "too much" you are, there will always be someone who will understand you and share that intensity with you.
BA: I don’t think I would’ve let myself get immersed in fandom Twitter and met some other incredible people if it wasn’t for Alba. Getting to connect with other people who love what I love is a huge part of my life — if I hadn’t met her, I may have never found the community I have found.
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tincansamurai · 8 days ago
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oc monday!!!!!
i need this i'm feeling struck by madness
original post
1. What is [x]'s favourite colour?
mat: he likes bright CMY colors and jewel tones. magenta is his favorite favorite though
kaz: big fan of blues, even if he doesn't own or wear a lot of blue stuff. top blues: cobalt, aqua/cyan. then black
2. What is one bad memory [x] has of their parents?
mat: HAHA uhhh ok which one do i pick... let's go with a more standard bad one instead of the worst. it's the first month that he's started having for real panic attacks, he's around 14, freaking the fuck out and crying while his dad is taking the door to his room off its hinges so they can keep an eye on him and figure out why he's being like this. his mom is talking loudly to herself and asking why she can't have a normal good kid, why does she has to deal with all these extra dramatics, why can't he just listen to them?
kaz: let's pick one i haven't shared before; when he was 21 he got alcohol poisoning bad enough to land him in the hospital. he had to explain that bill to his mom, and she got incredibly upset because it kind of became clear in that moment that kaz had only gotten better about hiding his alcohol abuse from her, not actually better about drinking. she did get self pitying and apologize for failing him and being a terrible mother, which just dredged up his feelings of being a burden and mistake who fucked up her life. the whole experience was shameful enough that he stayed sober for like a month. but, well, y'know. (he also started smoking cigs WAY more during that month, like a pack a day - he didn't get any better about that for a few years)
3. Where does your character consider home? Is it actually where they live?
mat: thom
kaz: his apartment is home, but he has never really totally felt at home anywhere. everything feels kind of temporary. 
4. What would [x] be as a D&D character?
i took this quiz for each of them as a jumping off point
mat: mat got NG human paladin/wizard - nix the paladin, that means nothing to him. totally a wizard though. i think he'd also be a half elf. i think if he was playing d&d he'd pick a human or halfling rogue
kaz: kaz got CG human paladin/bard - paladin could actually work for him as like a political kinda thing. god he really is the horny bard everyone hates to play with though lmao. 100% a human. i think if he was playing he would pick a half-orc barbarian or a gnome tinkering type class
5. How does [x] feel about recreational drugs? Do they have opinions about any specific ones?
mat: drugs are cool. he smokes weed almost every day. he did some other drugs in college. list: LSD (cool but only once, trip is too long), DMT (didn't do it right the first time, hated the second time), shrooms (coupla times, would do shrooms again if offered to him but not actively seeking them out), MDMA (too good, only once), adderall (eugh). he buys test kits to make sure he's gotten what he paid for without any fuckin bath salts or fent mixed in. he was 100% using tor to buy shit off onion sites before that became way more risky and inadvisable
kaz: mostly ambivalent. alcohol gets the job done. weed makes him weird and morbid and anxious. he did coke once and it tasted too bad and he got scared. have fun though, he doesn't judge
6. Where did [x] go to school as a teenager or young adult? Or if fixed schools are not the norm for that age, in their culture, what sort of apprenticeship or secondary education did they receive?
i swear we had this one before. oh yeah we did. here number 5
7. What kind of villain would [x] make?
mat: just normal mat, he would be such a shitty villain lol. watch out it's the guy who is scared. if i put him in some kinda au situation hmm i think he'd be a real sarcastic/catty rich vampire who just oozes homosexuality and could be conviced to be less villainous if you appealed to his ego the right way. get him a black and red silk robe, gilded crystal wine glasses, and a transatlantic accent NOW. long cigarette holder. hold on i need to draw soemthing i might hauve covid
kaz: he is easily every marvel CIA propoganda movie's insurrectionist commie villain lmao. killmonger type shit where you're like "uh he's right though" and they have to make him do stupid shit to make him seem like the bad guy. alternatively: some kind of incredibly horny mad max post-apoc bdsm slut who doesn't make it to the end and dies kind of happy about it
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teresatranbooks · 5 years ago
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Reading Ladders - Romance
Prompt: Following the ideas in the Lesesne readings, create a book ladder that takes readers from YA books to more complex texts.  Share a rationale in your post that helps us see how your ladder works - and provides thinking on how the complexity of the texts scaffolds from one to the other.  You also will want to identify the grade level and reading level of the reader you've built this ladder to engage...  Post this to your blog (which means you can also be as visual as you'd like.)
Based on the Lesesne readings and other folks’ reading ladders, it seems the one genre or area that people haven’t touched or made a ladder for is...romance! (The best genre of them all (; ). When I think about romance, I think about how it shows up in practically all genres and stories, whether we intend for it to or not. Love unites us all, right? Love for other folks is what makes us human, right? And being human means we’re drawn to stories and storytelling about the various kinds of love we partake in and spread and practice. 
My reading ladder will be start off focused on romance as a plot element that appears in different genres, such as fantasy/sci-fi or contemporary, and then steadily lead to the actual young adult/adult romance genre. I’m constructing my ladder in such a way because while romance as a separate individual genre exists more so for adults, there is definitely a growing romance category within young adult literature these days, and I want to recognize that reality, while also hoping this ladder will show the wild breadth of romance that appears across different genres that are slightly more established in the young adult age category.
Grade Level: 6th - 12th // Reading Level: 5th - 8th 
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Bottom/1st Step - Simon vs. The Homo Sapiens by Becky Albertalli - Contemporary
Simon Spier, a closeted gay boy living in Atlanta, GA, strikes up an online correspondence with a mystery queer boy, Blue. Contemporary genre. It’s a fun, quick, and relatable read. It offers a diverse perspective of a gay kid trying to find love for himself that many young queer kids can relate to. It’s a good starting point for young kids who want to read books about a young boy coming into his own through the lens of sexuality and romance -- and also for kids who aren’t totally into romance for the romance element in Simon is only 1/3...maybe even 1/4 of the plot. 
2nd Step - To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before by Jenny Han - Contemporary
Lara Jean Song, a Korean American girl writes five secret love letters to five different boys. One day, the letters are sent out. Her life is then turned upside down as she enters a fake-dating relationship scenario with the popular boy named Peter Kavinsky...where she ends up falling for him! Also contemporary genre. It’s a perfect follow-up to Simon because (1) it also has a book to movie adaptation, (2) it also contains a coming-of-age narrative, but this time with a Korean American girl protagonist and (3) it contains romance, but the romance doesn’t overtake the entire book. TATBILB offers a different, fresh diverse perspective on a person experiencing young love for the first time, but is easily on the same reading level and similar writing style as Simon, so it’s perfect for kids who want something close to Simon, but a little bit different in experience.
Grade Level: 9th - 12th // Reading Level: 9th - 12th  
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3rd Step - Emergency Contact by Mary H. K. Choi - Contemporary
Penny Lee, a young Korean American college student and aspiring writer far from home, enters her freshman year of college for the first time. Sam, a young white college drop out working at a cafe looking to make ends, has dreams about being a famous film director. Both meet and it’s less of a meet cute and more of a collision of unbearable awkwardness. Also contemporary genre. This book naturally builds off of Simon and TATBILB with its romance acting more as a subplot and as a vehicle for individual character growth, but instead it takes place in college. The book also contains one Asian American girl protagonist and a white guy protagonist, as well as contain a meet cute and conversations over text, so it’s a nearly perfect combination of Simon and TATBILB. This book is perfect for readers who want a peek at college life and a slightly more complex text with a different sense of humor from the previous two books, but still experience the emotional ups and downs of young people finding themselves through their passions and the people/partners they meet that we often see in contemporary romance books with younger characters.
4th Step - Warcross by Marie Lu - Sci Fi Thriller 
While I haven’t read this book yet, I’ve heard so many good reviews about it that I had to include it on the list! Emika Chen, a Japanese hacker and bounty hunter, is whisked off to Tokyo and thrust into a world of fame and fortune as a hired spy in the Warcross game. But soon her investigation into the game uncovers a sinister plot, with major consequences for the entire Warcross empire. Sci Fi thriller. This book has a slightly more mature romance arc compared to the previous books, but it’s still age appropriate for high schoolers. It offers a different genre for readers who want to read some romance, but want a sci-fi twist to it. It also is written by an Asian American author and stars Japanese characters, so it’s a perfect next book to read after reading a couple of books that star Asian American characters entering romances in a different genre. 
Grade Level: 10th - 12th // Reading Level: 10th - 12th 
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5th Step - Wicked Saints by Emily A. Duncan - Gothic Fantasy
This book is a bit of a departure in the romance ladder. It’s about Nadya Lapteva, a young orphan who can talk to the Slavic gods and has powers granted to her through prayer. She enters an enemies to lovers romance with her enemy Malachiasz, a blood made who is an atheist and is the leader of a cult. She works with him in an attempt to end a centuries long war, and in that process, falls in love with him. This book contains a different type of romantic arc, the enemies to lovers one, and is a more complex read, so it might be an interesting challenge for readers who are more used to simpler, gentler romances. I’d also recommend it for high schoolers who want something different in their romance, a push and pull in the dynamic across the backdrop of different genre (this time, it’s fantasy!) with an exploration on topics hardly explored in YA such as theology, pantheon of nonWestern gods, and morals. I’d also recommend it for more mature readers, as it contains some graphic images of violence and blood, but that is to be expected with the topic of young kids fighting in a war. 
Grade Level: 11th - 12th // Reading Level: 10th - 12th 
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6th Step - Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo - Fantasy
This book is definitely a step up in complexity as it contains more intricate world building and plot development than any of the previous books on this list. It’s about Kaz Brekker and his band of criminals (some with magical elemental powers and some with other fighting skills), who are tasked to break into the most secure place in the this fantastical world and extract an important person from it. The content and twists of the heist are super interesting and action-packed, and will definitely pique all different types of readers’ interest. Its romance is subtle and slowburn and contains three different types of romantic arcs varying from enemies to lovers, to co-workers to lovers, to idiots to lovers. There’s also queer representation. It’s really all encompassing and has something for everyone’s romantic tastes. I’d recommend it for readers who want the same kind of dark fantasy vibes as Wicked Saints, but a slower and more diverse set of romance arcs. 
7th Step - The Song of Achilles by Madeline Miller - Greek Mythology/Historical
Warning: This book is devastating and will make you cry. Achilles, “the best of all the Greeks,” son of the cruel sea goddess Thetis and the legendary king Peleus, and hero of the Trojan War, falls in love with Patroclus, awkward young prince exiled from his homeland and brought to live with Achilles. This book is definitely more mature in its romance, as its probably the first book in this ladder that depicts a sexual scene, albeit a very short one. I think YA readers should be able to read this book with no problem. I believe YA readers should have access to these kinds of scenes/books in order to figure out if they like them and if they do, we shouldn’t shame them. Sexuality and sex shouldn’t be taboo subjects! This book definitely is also much more emotionally heavy and centers the relationship/romance aspect as the main focus. I’d recommend it for my older, more mature readers in the 11th-12th grade. 
8th Step - The Darkest Minds by Alexandra Bracken - Dystopian Thriller
If readers want a break from the super fantasy/rich romances of the previous books, I’d recommend taking a good break with TDM. TDM is about Ruby, a young girl who has mind-reading abilities in a post-apocalyptic America. She escapes a camp designed to control and lock people with abilities like hers and travels with a band of kids like her to a safe haven. It builds off of the emotional complexity of The Song of Achilles, but in a different, more relatable way. Because it takes place in a post-US world, the characters’ dialogue is reminiscent of ours and so readers will be able to really relate to the characters and become really invested in them. The romance in this book is slowburn, a good followup to Six of Crows and The Song of Achilles, but the romantic dynamic is similar to that of earlier contemporary books like Simon and TATBILB and Emergency Contact. So, this book is not necessarily more sophisticated than the other books, but it is a different choice that readers can make when choosing books with romance to read and offers a breath of fresh air to the previous more prose-y books. 
9th Step - The Wrath and the Dawn by Renee Ahdieh - Fairytale/Historical 
A classic young adult retelling of the Arabic/Middle Eastern fairytale of One Thousand and One Nights, where teenager Shahrzad volunteers to be Khalid’s, the eighteen-year-old Caliph of Khorasan, new wife, after her best friend died at his hands. She is determined to not only stay alive, but to end the caliph’s reign of terror of killing young women brides once and for all. This book is really romantic-heavy and is similar to Wicked Saints with its’ enemies to lovers arc and dubious dynamics. However, it’s compelling and exciting with its fairytale elements and offers a diverse romantic story for readers who want something new and who want to stretch themselves beyond American-centric romantic stories, a callback to Warcross, which takes place in a futuristic sci-fi version of Japan. Because this book is heavier on the prose, I’d recommend it for readers who also want a slightly more complex read on a sentence-structure / description level.
Grade Level: 12th and older // Reading Level: 10th - 12th
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10th Step - A Court of Thorns and Roses by Sarah J. Maas - Romantic Fairytale Fantasy
From this point forward, these books will contain explicit sexual romantic content. While many folks will argue that there is no room for these kinds of scenes in YA books, I’d argue that by omitting access to such content (specifically explicit sexual scenes where consent is displayed), students will go out and find books that will show explicit sexual scenes that don’t show consent and they will learn from them. I think it’s better to not limit certain books from readers and let them decide for themselves if they’re uncomfortable with it or if it’s inappropriate for them. This book is perfect for folks who want a fairytale fantasy twist on the classic Beauty and the Beast story. It stars Feyre, a huntress, who ends up being kidnapped by the Faerie High Lord of Spring, Tamlin, for taking the life of a faerie. Once in the land of the faeries, she enters an enemies to lovers romance with Tamlin and discovers there is more beneath his exterior/mask. I’d recommend this for folks who want an extremely romance-centric story with one sex scene and an enemies to lovers arc. It’s also in the same level of complexity as The Wrath and The Dawn; it just centers around a different fairytale. 
11th Step - Red, White, and Royal Blue by Casey Mcquiston - Adult Romantic Contemporary
This book has multiple sex scenes. This book takes place in an alternate 2020 where Trump never became president and stars a man-loving-man relationship. Alex Claremont is the first biracial, bisexual Son of the First Woman President of the United States. He enters a secret romance with the Prince of England, Prince Henry, who is gay. This is one of my favorite books ever, if not my favorite book ever! I’d recommend this for anyone who wants an escapist rom com from the trashfire of a world we live in right now. I’d also recommend this for older, more mature high schoolers who want to understand American politics better and read contemporary, relatable, funny dialogue with a rivals to lovers romance. And lastly, I’d recommend this book for readers who want a callback to the first couple of books on this romance ladder, but with a more complex/sophisticated plot and character work. 
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emjenenla · 8 years ago
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If You’re Gone, Maybe it’s Time to Come Home [SoC Fanfic]
Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four
Title: If You’re Gone, Maybe it’s Time To Come Home
Author: Emjen Enla (Fanfiction)/emjen_enla (Wattpad)/emjenenla (Tumblr)
Teaser: (There’s an awful lot of breathing room, but I can hardly move) Or Kaz goes into a downward spiral after Crooked Kingdom.
Rating: PG-13/T
Canon/Timeline: Mainstream, post-Crooked Kingdom
Dominant Characters: Kaz Brekker, Inej Ghafa, appearances of various other characters, a couple relatively minor OCs
Pairings: Kanej (Kaz/Inej), perhaps one OC/OC if you squint (and/or can read my mind)
Warnings: depression, panic attacks, anxiety, some drinking, Kaz being Kaz, Ketterdam being Ketterdam
Notes:
-I think the time has come for us all to admit that I’m not going to be posting as much as I once did. I’ve been really busy in the last year with school and work and my own original work. I’m not saying that I’m completely done with fanfiction, but updates might be pretty slow from now on.
-I did not intend for this to be a multi-part fic, but I was working on it tonight and realized that the part I have written (which I think it roughly half) was already over eight thousand words. I figured that I may as well release it in parts to make it a bit more manageable. I’m hoping this will be a two-part fic, but it might get up to three. Hopefully I’ll be done before I go back to college at the end of August, but I’m honestly not sure what will happen.
-I read the Six of Crows Duology over Christmas break and it (mostly Kaz, let’s be honest) has stuck with me ever since. This story is mostly inspired by the fact that I’m honestly really worried about Kaz now that his only real reason for living (revenge on Pekka Rollins) is gone.
Disclaimer: I don’t own Six of Crows or the song “If You’re Gone” by Matchbox 20.
--
Part One
(1)
After they beat Van Eck and Pekka Rollins, everything and nothing changes.
Kaz is now king of the Barrel. Of course, the rest of the gangs haven’t figured that out yet. Everyone is expecting Rollins to eventually dig his way out of the hole he’d fallen into. The rumor of him on his knees at Kaz’s feet is spreading through the Barrel like wildfire, but Rollins has been in power for so long that no can fathom the idea that his time as ruler might be over. However, Kaz knows that it’s only a matter of time before that minor annoyance is rectified.
He also has four million kruge slowly siphoning into his accounts. Between that and the shares of the Crow Club and Fifth Harbor that he bought off Haskell, he figures he’s easily the richest person in the Barrel and probably comfortably in the top fifty richest people in Ketterdam. Not bad for a person who was flat broke two weeks before.
Still he makes the rest of the people involved in the Ice Court job keep the payoff quiet. It won’t do any of them any good for people to realize just how much kruge they’re each rolling in. Kaz has built his life around stealing from the ridiculously wealthy and he’d rather not become one of those pigeons for some other angry upstart.
He should be ecstatic, even with the Council of Tides still breathing down his neck, but he’s not. Firstly, Inej is leaving. He’s not surprised, though, and he’s not going to try to stop her. He understands why she needs to go, he just…wishes she wouldn’t.
Inej and her parents stay for a few days so Inej can show them around Ketterdam. She’s always with them so Kaz tries to say out of their way. Being around Mr. and Mrs. Ghafa makes him nervous. He’s not positive, but he’s pretty sure that Inej’s parents know exactly how he feels about her. (He shouldn’t be surprised, nothing says “I’m completely and totally, illogically in love with your daughter” like “I bought her a ship so she can go fulfil her purpose in life.”) That transparency makes him feel uncomfortable in his own skin. He’s not ashamed of what he is, but he knows that he’s not the kind of boy that the Ghafas want their daughter to end up with.
(Will he and Inej end up together? He’s not even sure.)
He tries to tell himself that Inej is the only thing bothering him, but if he’s truly honest with himself Matthias is weighing heavily on his mind as well.
Though it’s a truth he’ll take it to his grave, he was not completely surprised by Matthias’ death. He’d planned hundreds of possible scenarios for the auction scheme and he’d known that the chances that at least one of them wouldn’t make it out were much higher than he would have liked. He’d also known that after Kuwei, he and Matthias had the worse odds of them all. If something went wrong, the rest of the gang had a chance of being able to vanish underground and wait things out. He and Matthias would be forever chased by the powerful people who wanted them dead.
Still, he hadn’t mentioned any of that to Matthias. He’d told himself that he didn’t want to risk Matthias backing out, but he’d known that Matthias would never back out while Nina was still in danger. There had been no excuse. Perhaps telling Matthias about the dangers would have saved his life, perhaps it wouldn’t have (they still aren’t sure what had happened, though Kaz has his theories). Either way, the idea of Matthias going to his death knowing it was a possibility seems like it would make things a little better.
Kaz has lost crewmembers before, but somehow Matthias weighs on him heavier than all those others. The night of the auction, after he left Van Eck’s—Wylan’s—house, he returned to the Slat. He made a mug of the herbal tea Inej keeps around and makes after big jobs when he feels like crud because of shear exhaustion. He couldn’t get it to taste right so he corrupted it with a double dose of a painkilling tonic and couple shots of whiskey because why not. Then he downed the whole vile-tasting thing in a couple gulps. His stomach was empty so the concoction hit him hard and knocked him out in a matter of minutes. He slept until late the next morning and expected to wake up feeling more like his normal self, but he didn’t.
He hadn’t felt quite right since then either, but it would be okay. He’d had low times before and he always snapped out of them.
It would be okay.
(2)
Inej leaves long, long before he’s ready. The night before the Wraith is due to leave, she shows up at the Slat and they spend a night wandering the city, just like they did before the Ice Court. Kaz leaves his gloves off and tries not to flinch when people come to close. Inej pretends not to notice when he fails.
“So how exactly are you planning to catch these slavers?” he asks while they’re walking down an empty street even though they’ve already talked about this a number of times.
“Well, first I’m taking my parents back to Ravka,” Inej says. “I want to see the rest of my family again, plus they’ll need a ride back. While I’m there I might try to add to the crew. Papa says that I have a couple cousins who might be interested in signing on and there are a lot of purposeless Grisha in Ravka now. After that, I start looking for slavers.”
“And how are you going to find them?” he asks.
“Well, I know there’s a slaver hideout somewhere between here and Ravka,” she says. “I don’t have the crew or experience to take it now, but knowing where it is will help me to intercept individual ships.”
He nods and they’re quiet for a couple more minutes while he considers if he really wants to do this.
“I’ve thought about what you said about me helping you catch slavers,” he says after what feels like an age.
“Really?” she looks at him. Her expression is passably neutral, but he knows her well enough to see the tension.
“I’ll help you,” he says before he loses his nerve.
A huge grin spreads across Inej’s face. She moves like she’s going to hug him and he leaps out of the way, wrenching his bad leg. The smile fades as she realizes what just happened. Her arms drop back to her side and her lips press together. “Thank you very much,” she says formally.
The mood never quite recovers from that.
(3)
More people show up to see the Wraith off than Kaz anticipated. He hadn’t realized Inej had integrated herself so well into the Dregs. Even people like Beatle and Swann who had tried to literally beat Kaz’s brains out a few weeks before are there. A small group of people crowd the dock as Inej and her crew off.
Kaz leaves his gloves on. The crowd isn’t big by Ketterdam standards, but the dock is narrow enough that people bump and brush up against each other. He knows that if he tried to go barehanded he’d probably end up having one of his episodes like the one in the prison cart. (He knows what the proper name for those is, but he feels less pathetic and weak when he doesn’t think of them by that name.)
He waits until everyone else has finished saying goodbye to Inej before he approaches her. They stand there, staring at each other, neither knowing what to say, how they should part.
“Remember to write,” Inej says. Perhaps that sounds sweet to someone who doesn’t know that they ended last night by coming up with a plan on how he can get letters to her and an overly complicated code so he can send her information without blowing his involvement. There’s nothing romantic about her telling him to write; it’s just business.
He wishes it wasn’t. He wishes he could tell her he loves her. He wishes he could throw his arms around and hold her until she agrees to stay here with him. He wishes he could kiss her just so he could know what it’s like.
Instead he nods stoically, showing no hint of any of his desires. “I will,” he says and the promise is too audible in his voice so he goes on with something cutting, “And try not to get killed. It would be a waste of perfectly good kruge I spend on that ship.”
Her expression is somewhere between fond and disappointed. When she speaks again, her voice has dropped to a near whisper. “Kaz, about last night-”
He does not want to talk about this ever, let alone in front of all these people. “Wraith-”
“Kaz,” she cuts in her voice rising slightly, but when she next speaks her voice is quiet again. “Don’t give up hope, okay? Just keep trying. It’ll get better.” Then she reaches out, takes his gloved hand and squeezes.
He doesn’t know how to respond to that, but he finds himself nodding stiffly and squeezing her hand back. They stand like that for a couple seconds. He can feel the gazes of the other people burning into him. He’s uncomfortably aware that for most of these people this is probably the first time they’ve seen him touch someone in a way that isn’t violent.
He pulls away first and steps back to put a little more space between them. “No mourners,” he says because he doesn’t know how to put words to what he actually wants to say.
“No funerals,” she says. “Take care of yourself, Kaz.”
When he doesn’t respond right away she turns away and heads up the ramp onto the Wraith, leaving him in Ketterdam all alone.
“You too,” he says too quietly for anyone else to hear.
(4)
The next few weeks are busy ones. Kaz consolidates his control of the Dregs and begins to use his inside knowledge of the falsity of the plague to encroach on the territories of other gangs (namely Rollins’). He begins searching for more spiders after it becomes obvious that Roeder won’t be able to fill Inej’s shoes on his own. He quietly starts tracking down slavers and their compatriots.
He’s very busy. Given that, if he’s eating and sleeping less than he should, that’s okay. If he’s drinking more coffee and whiskey than he probably should, that’s okay too. He’s a general now, not a lieutenant, he has more responsibilities than he did before (never mind that he was practically running the Dregs before the Ice Court job).
He’s not trying to ignore his stubbornly lingering guilt about Matthias. He’s definitely not trying to distract himself from the gaping hole in his heart and by his side where Inej is supposed to be. He’s fine. Just fine, thank you very much. There’s absolutely nothing wrong.
Nothing.
(5)
A month after the auction, Kaz pulls his first job as leader of the Dregs. There shouldn’t be much difference between this and any other job he’s ever done. After all, after the Ice Court and everything that happened afterwards, Kaz is pretty sure every job he’ll ever do should seem easy.
Still, no one knows about the Ice Court, and it doesn’t look like anyone ever will. This is his first job as leader of the Dregs and all the gang members in Ketterdam will be watching and waiting to see if he chokes.
That shouldn’t bother him—if anything it should make him more confident—but it does.
The job is a raid on a particularly rich mercher’s private jewel collection. It’s a job that requires a fairly small number of members (himself, Anika, Pim, Roeder and Mina, the thirteen-year-old Grisha Heartrender he’s letting try for a position as a spider). The job also doubles as a chance to look through the mercher’s records to see if the vague rumors Kaz has been hearing about the man being involved in the slave trade are accurate.
The break-in goes off without a hitch. The mercher and his family are still waiting out the “plague” in a summer home and it looks like the servants have taken this as an opportunity to take a paid vacation. Once inside, he leaves the others in the showroom to bag the jewels while he goes upstairs under the pretense of doing some reconnaissance. In reality, he picks the lock on the mercher’s office door and goes through the man’s papers.
It takes him four and a half minutes to find the information he’s looking for. Yes, the man’s involved in the slave trade. Yes, he knows when the next shipment’s coming in. There aren’t any routes in the information, but there are locations of launches and when they’re supposed to come in. That information will be a start for Inej. It takes him three minutes to memorize the information, then he puts the office back the way he found it, locks the door again and gets back to the showroom before the others have time to start wondering what was taking him so long.
The rest of the job goes off without a hitch. They’re back in the Slat within a few hours a couple thousand kruge richer. As soon as he’s sure everything’s settled and the jewels are locked up in the big safe that only he knows the combination to, Kaz retreats to his upstairs rooms (he’s taken over Per Haskell’s office, but his private rooms are something else entirely). He lights a candle, gets out a sheet of paper and starts his first coded letter to Inej.
He takes all his self-control to focus on the business and not say anything pointless about how much he misses her.
(6)
He doesn’t get a return letter from Inej for almost a month and when one does come it’s a list of the ships they’d raided (mostly ones from that first list he’d sent her) and people rescued. Perhaps Kaz feels a little pride at knowing his information was put to good use, but mostly he wishes she’d have said something, anything about herself and how she was.
He forces those thoughts out of his head with a couple shots of whiskey, then sits down and writes her another completely impersonal letter about the new information he has for her.
(7)
Almost three months after Inej left, Kaz dreams that he’s in the harbor again, swimming for his life. Not that unusual an occurrence, especially now. He would have thought that his nightmares would have gotten better after he got his revenge on Pekka Rollins, but if anything, they’ve gotten worse.
Still none of that matters in this moment. He struggles to keep hold of the corpse under his arms and struggles to keep kicking towards the lights of Ketterdam which never seem to get any closer. His breaths burn in his throat, his teeth chatter from the cold, his chest is tight with fear.
A wave washes over his head. He almost loses his grip on the corpse but manages to pull himself back onto it at the last moment. He blinks saltwater out of his eyes, harsh breaths that are just a little like sobs ripping out of his body.
Then he looks down and realizes the corpse he’s clinging to isn’t Jordie’s but Inej’s.
He jolts back to reality in his bed in the Slat, blankets twisted around his legs, sweat soaking through his shirt and sticking it to his chest and back. He takes two heaving breaths before he turns and vomits over the side of the bed onto the floor.
When he’s done he collapses onto his side and twists his bare hands into the sheets. He’s been trying not to wear the gloves as much so he can surprise Inej if she comes back (when she comes back, Kaz tells himself, when), but now he wishes he was wearing them. He’s sure that if he was just wearing the gloves he could deal with this, but they’re lying on his desk in the other room and he’s shaking too hard to make it in there to get them.
He curls up in a ball, biting the insides of his cheeks so hard he tastes blood. He stares at the opposite wall until his vision starts to tunnel. Images both from his memory and from the dream play over and over in his head. He can’t stop shaking.
He lies there, almost too afraid to blink as the night drags by and sunlight starts to slowly creep into the room.
The sun is quite high by the time he’s able to get up and go retrieve his gloves.
(8)
Inej comes back to Ketterdam two weeks later. Kaz meets her on the dock under the pretense of having just been passing by. He can tell she doesn’t believe him, but he finds that he doesn’t really care. He’s just happy to be near her again. Her quiet, steady presence relaxes and completes him. He feels more like himself than he has in months. Which is relieving, but also a little scary, mostly because he hadn’t realized he wasn’t feeling right until it stopped.
“So, you managed not to die or destroy my investment,” he says jerking his head at the Wraith.
Her smile is superficially fond, but he can see disappointment underneath it. Her eyes shift to his hands, encased in his gloves. She doesn’t say anything but he knows what she wants.
“Sorry,” he says beginning to peal the gloves off. “Forgot.” His stomach clenches into a series of knots. He’s been wearing his gloves constantly since the nightmare, because the thought of that happening again gives him cold sweats. He feels ashamed; he really wanted to be less reliant on the gloves the next time they saw each other.
He doesn’t mention any of this as he tucks his gloves into his coat, careful not to let his hands shake. Inej is studying him, with her head cocked to the side. He expects her to have noticed his nerves, but what she says is, “You look tired.”
He doesn’t know how to tell her that he’s been trying to avoid sleeping as much as possible because he’s terrified of having a nightmare about clinging to her corpse again, so he just gives her a thin smile. “Been busy.”
Now her smile is definitely fond, he feels like he’s floating. “You do know that even demons need to sleep, don’t you, Kaz?”
(9)
She leaves again long before he’s ready. Again, he wants to beg her to stay, again his bites his tongue and covers his true feelings with biting comments. Still he stands on the dock and watches until long after the Wraith has vanished over the horizon. Though he’ll never admit it, he’s hoping she’ll realize that there’s more for her here with him than out at sea.
That’s ridiculous though, Inej is nothing if not a noble person. There are a lot of people in the world who need her way more than one demon-boy in the city of Ketterdam.
By the time he heads back to Slat, a cold rain has started to fall.
(10)
Several months later, the Razorgulls start a gang war with the Dregs. People have been slowly realizing that Pekka Rollins is not coming back. That makes things more difficult for Kaz. He’s been slowly moving the Dregs into Rollins’ holdings since the plague scare. Up until this point, people have just been letting him, assuming that he’ll regret it once Rollins comes back. Now that it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen, people realize that Kaz has been allowed to snag a huge amount of territory with little to no resistance.
The conflict with the Razorgulls comes down to a massive fight through the streets of the Barrel while the stadwatch stands by helpless to control the violence. Torches light up the night until it’s nearly like day as Kaz chases the Razorgulls general through the alleys near the fighting.
He comes out into a dark dead end and the general is nowhere in sight. He has half a second to wonder where he went before the man leaps on him from behind wrapping bare forearms around Kaz’s neck in a headlock.
The waters rise up before Kaz has time to breathe and he drops like a stone. Within instants the other general is on top of him, one bare hand around Kaz’s throat and the other punching him in the face. He was probably yelling, but Kaz couldn’t hear him over the ringing in his ears.
Kaz can’t breathe, he can’t think. He struggles against the weight of the body on top of him, looking for a way out. Eventually he gets his fingers around one of his hidden knives and stabs it into the other general’s stomach. The man’s grip loosens and Kaz is able to shove him off. He finishes the job, then collapses against the wall gasping.
He waits until he’s no longer shaking like a Grisha on parem before he drags the general’s body up onto a high balcony above the main body of the battle. He declares the war over and gives the Razorgulls an ultimatum: join the Dregs or die.
Unsurprisingly most of them opt to join the Dregs.
That surrender takes place a few hours before dawn but it’s still well into the afternoon by the time Kaz gets back to his rooms. He’s profoundly exhausted in a way he hasn’t been since the Ice Court and he can’t quite shake the tremors from the memory of someone else’s hands around his neck. He collapses onto his bed and loses his grip on the world.
He wakes up late the next morning by Anika pounding on his door with a list of questions, as exhausted as he was when he fell asleep.
(11)
The surrender of the Razorgulls nearly doubles the size of the Dregs. Granted, it’ll be a while before he can actually trust any of these new recruits, but the Barrel runs on strength. Kaz is confident he can win them all over given time.
One of the more interesting new members is a scrawny eleven-year-old boy. He’s newly orphaned and worked cleaning chamber pots in one of the Razorgulls’ hideouts. His name is Espen and his eyes gleam with the same cold, calculating anger Kaz sees in himself every time he looks in a mirror.
Perhaps Kaz should take Espen under his wing and attempt to put the boy back together in a way better than the way he put himself together. Perhaps he would if he was a better person. Perhaps he would if the mere thought of putting up with another person’s issues on top of his own wasn’t utterly exhausting.
So, he doesn’t try to help. Instead his foists the kid on Mina and tells her to teach him to be a spider instead.
Maybe that will be enough.
(12)
His letters to Inej are starting to get out of hand.
Not the ones he actually sends to her; those are just as impersonal as always. It’s the drafts of those letters that are starting to become problematic.
They’ve gotten long.
Kaz has always been a master of brevity when it comes to letters. He can normally fit anything he could possibly need to say to anyone into under a page. His average letter is only a couple sentences.
The drafts of his letters to Inej go on for pages and pages.
His words scrawl across the paper, rambling in ways that don’t sound like him, and to make matters worse, he’s not really talking about anything. He does talk about the Dregs and Ketterdam news sometimes, but mostly he just talks about how much he misses her and begs her to come back and stay with him.
He realizes that this is getting beyond ridiculous the night he writes almost thirty pages of a logical, step-by-step argument for why she should abandon her quest to bring justice to the slavers and return to being his spider.
He stares at the letter for a long time, a strange feeling of disgust and fear swirling inside him. He can’t possibly send something like this to Inej. Hunting slavers is her purpose, and she will keep doing it no matter what. All this letter would do is guarantee that she really will never come back.
He crumbles the letter into a ball and throws it into the fire. Then he starts another draft. He intends for this one to be a short, to-the-point passing of information, but somehow it devolves into an even longer argument. This one is about how he is a horrible, corrupt person with no hope for anything better and how Inej would really be better off if she left him behind and never looked back.
The sun has risen by the time he finishes this letter. He sits at his desk and stares blankly at the letter. He images that a normal person would probably be crying right now, but there are no tears for him. There haven’t been since that night in the harbor all those years ago. It’s like something about that night locked all his tears up somewhere inside him and threw away the key. He hasn’t been able to cry since, even as an act.
So, his eyes are dry as he looks at the letter, but his chest is tight. He has never hated himself, never felt a sliver of shame about what he is, but he feels it now. If only he wasn’t like this, maybe Inej wouldn’t have left him. Sure, she’s come back a couple times, but how long will it be before she realizes how much better off she is without him in her life and stops coming back? How long before she leaves him completely alone?
The sunlight creeps into his room. The Slat is coming awake around him. He has a million things to do. He’s the leader of the Dregs, he has everything as long as he does the things he needs to do. He knows that he needs to get moving, but he doesn’t want to. He’s empty and sad and so incredibly tired.
So, for the first time that he can remember, Kaz Brekker ignores his responsibilities, he shoves the letter aside, pillows his head on his arms and hopes things will be better when he wakes up.
They aren’t.
(13)
Kaz is tired.
He’s used to being tired—he has a tendency to ignore things like sleep when on big jobs and doesn’t sleep a normal amount even when he’s not on jobs—but normally he can just slam a couple cups of coffee and be fine. This is something different. Even with his veins seemingly swimming with coffee, he still finds himself fighting against a deep-seated exhaustion. Even sleep doesn’t seem to shake it, even though he’s sleeping more than he normally does.
He tells himself that it’s no big deal. He knows that his sleeping habits are unhealthy, and if they’re finally catching up to him, Inej would probably say it’s for the best. It’s not like he’s sleeping an insane amount, anyway. If anything, he’s probably just sleeping a normal amount now and it just seems like a lot because he’s not used to it. It will only take him some time to adjust.
Still, he is tired and it’s hard to care about any of the things that used to take up his full attention. He hasn’t destroyed the letter. He keeps it tucked carefully away in one of the drawers of his dresser, nestled among his ties and spare pairs of gloves. He takes it out and reads it sometimes, as a reminder of why he’s so lucky for the chances he’s had with Inej and why he should never expect too much.
(14)
He, Roeder, Mina and Espen are on a job. They get in easy enough, but while they’re bagging the man’s inappropriately stuffed safe, the owner of the house comes home. They all freeze in shock when they hear the front door open. Kaz had calculated that they had another hour and a half before the mercher came home from his mistress’ house. For a few blank seconds, all Kaz can think is “How was I so wrong?” then survival instincts kick in.
“Clear out,” he orders and they make for the windows.
They aren’t fast enough. Within minutes the stadwatch are on their tails. They’re crossing over the river when one of the stadwatch gets lucky and hits Roeder. The oldest spider takes a dive over the edge of the bridge and into the water. Mina skids to a stop on the bridge and stares over. “Dirtyhands!” she yells (he has never heard her call him anything else, even Brekker) “You need to do something! Espen and I are too small!”
A voice whispers that he should just let Roeder die, but he needs Roeder. Roeder is the only one of the spiders who’s obviously useful in a fight and he’s not about to lose that advantage.
“Take care of the stadwatch,” he tells Mina giving her a look he hopes she interprets it correctly. Then he thrusts his cane into Espen’s hands. “Be careful with that; it’s worth more than your life,” he says then vaults over the side of the bridge and into the water.
Kaz knows how to swim; he is honest enough about his own life to know that is a useful skill, but he doesn’t like it. The water in the river tonight is cold and the memory of the barge returns. Still he does his best to push it down and he lunges to Roeder.
He grabs the back of the spider’s shirt and pulls him into his chest. He wraps his other arm around Roeder’s chest and almost immediately has one of the biggest flashbacks he’s ever had. He is nine years old in the harbor clinging to Jordie’s body, he has little to no recognition of ever being anything else. His head goes under and the only thing that keep him from shoving Roeder’s body away is the belief that he is Jordie and the only thing keeping him drowning.
His free hand strikes something hard. He grabs on and manages to drag his head above water. His mind is whirl of panic and revulsion. He knows that he needs to get out of the water, but the panic is so much that he can’t move.
When another hand clasps around his arm, he loses himself completely and trashes, letting go of whatever he was holding onto completely in an attempt to get away. The hand doesn’t let go, actually another joins it and jerks him to a stop just as his head goes under again.
The next moment his heartrate starts to slow and the edges of his panic fade. He realizes that his head is underwater and kicks until he’s above the water again and can get a gasp of air. His vision clears and he realizes the person attached to the hands holding his arm is Mina. She’s kneeling on the pier he grabbed onto, water sticking her mouse-brown hair to her face and her gray eyes wide. She’s using her abilities to lower his heartrate.
Mina helps him pull Roeder and himself out of the river and they drag the spider onto the shore together. Immediately, Mina pulls Roeder’s shirt open and positions her hands over his chest. Kaz knows that she’ll now use her powers to draw the water out of his lungs. She’ll do it carefully so no one knows exactly what she did. It’s still dangerous to be a Grisha in Ketterdam, so Mina keeps her powers carefully under wraps. Kaz isn’t even sure if Roeder and Espen know she’s a Heartrender. She would have been careful to find a very subtle way to incapacitate the stadwatch when he ordered her to.
Kaz just wants to collapse and not move until he can breathe again, but the instant Mina starts tending to Roeder, Espen is in his face.
“What was that?” the little boy snarls with an expression that even Kaz will admit is slightly demonic. “What is wrong with you?”
“What are you talking about?” Kaz asks more to buy time than anything else. He almost winces at how wrong his voice sounds.
“You were supposed to save Roeder, not freeze and make Mina pull you out!” Espen has his face in very close to Kaz’s, so close that flecks of the boy’s spit hit Kaz’s cheeks. “What kind of general are you?”
Kaz wants to pull away and put miles of distance between himself and every other human in Ketterdam, but he forces himself to react to Espen’s taunts and closeness in the way that helped to earn him his reputation, the way that will save face.
He punches the kid in the jaw.
Espen, for all his bravado, does not know how to take a punch. The kid goes sprawling across the ground, gasping. Mina looks on in surprise. Kaz takes a fortifying breath and stands up even though his legs feel no more solid than the water he almost drowned in both tonight and all those years ago.
“You really should learn that you’re not in charge here,” he tells Espen, keeping his voice steady through sheer force of will. “You only have a place in this gang because you the good you outweighs the annoyance of putting up with you. Understand?”
Espen is staring. For once, he’s actually wearing an expression other than anger. He looks shocked and a little scared. His mouth opens and closes mutely.
“I’ll take that as a yes,” Kaz snarls. “Now, what did you do with my cane?”
--
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hoynovoy · 4 years ago
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These 2 Best Friends Met On Twitter During The Pandemic
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Friends may come and go, but best friends are forever. In Elite Daily's Bestie Check series, we're celebrating the stories that make best friendship so special. Whether they grew up together or recently met through an app, this series explores the unique ways BFFs first bonded and how they maintain their strong friendships to this day. Did they hit it off instantly? What was their biggest fight about? Who's better at keeping secrets? If you thought passing the vibe check was hard, only the very best can pass the bestie check.
When Beatriz "Bea" Atienza tweeted about her love of a particular romantic pairing — Malex, for fans of the show — from The CW's series Roswell, New Mexico in April 2020, she had no idea she'd meet her future BFF on Twitter as a result. Yet that's exactly what happened after Alba B. J. responded to Bea's tweet "desperate to find someone" to talk to about the same on-screen couple — even if it meant talking to a stranger.
The self-identifying feminists — who live half a country apart, in two different regions of Spain — were both in lockdown amid the coronavirus pandemic when they first slid into each other's DMs. While distance could potentially hurt a lot of friendships, it's all Bea and Alba have ever known throughout the course of their year-long relationship — and they love it. They even became pen pals in recent weeks, hand-writing letters to each other whenever they get a chance. In Bea's own words about their letter exchange: "If we weren’t in the Bridgerton mood enough, we are now."
All it took was one tweet about a TV show ship to kickstart their fangirl friendship. Their shared love of books, graphic novels, and other series is how they continued to bond. Though they've yet to meet in real life (which they hope to be able to do this summer), how they view everything outside of fandoms — like love, politics, and family — is why they consider each other besties.
Here's their story:
Alba B. J.
About Me: Intense fangirl, food and music lover, devoted feminist, and human rights defender.
Age: 20
Current Location: I was born, raised, and currently live in Spain — 30 minutes outside Barcelona.
Zodiac Sign: Gemini
Beatriz "Bea" Atienza
About Me: Aspiring teacher, chocolate lover, and your local feminist fangirl.
Age: 20
Current Location: I live in a town called Aranjuez — about 45 minutes away from Madrid, Spain.
Zodiac Sign: Hardcore Libra
How did you two meet?
Bea Atienza: I had posted a tweet in Spanish regarding my favorite ship from The CW's Roswell, New Mexico, Malex — aka Michael and Alex, played by Michael Vlamis and Tyler Blackburn, respectively — and Alba replied because, like me, she had never met anyone in the fandom who spoke Spanish before.
Alba B. J.: I was desperate to find someone to talk to about Roswell, New Mexico, and that's how I (thankfully) found Bea. We started talking about the show and other fandoms, and the rest is history.
What was your first impression of each other?
ABJ: That she was another version of me I needed to meet. Where has she been all this time? What an amazing girl!
BA: I thought she was very outgoing and super nice for replying without even knowing me. I hadn’t been a part of fandom Twitter that long and I didn’t realize how people who had never met could connect just like that. It was a nice surprise to see her reply and how nice and passionate about being a fan she was, because it reminded me of myself.
How long have you known each other?
ABJ: Over a year now. April 27, 2021 marked one year since we started talking.
How long have you considered yourselves best friends?
BA: I don’t think there’s a specific moment where we said, “Oh, we’re very close now.” It just kind of flowed.
ABJ: I really can’t say when exactly, but we bonded more over the last few months. Thanks for that, Bridgerton!
What initially sparked your friendship?
BA: I think it was the fact that we were both equally passionate about being fans. There are people who can watch a show or a movie or read a book and not become hardcore invested in it, but we do — it’s an important part of our lives. Bonding over pop culture pieces that you love can join two people as much as any other element or hobby. I didn’t have anyone around who lived the fandom life like that and who I had as many fandoms in common with, so finding Alba was special.
ABJ: Nothing brings two fangirls together like fangirling over the same things.
Do you know if you're astrologically compatible? Do you care?
BA: We’ve never really checked. I love to see Libra-related memes and stuff like that, but I’m not really into serious astrology.
ABJ: I really don’t know, but honestly, I don’t care. I know that we are compatible no matter what our astrology signs suggest.
What did you study in school?
ABJ: I studied cinematic production at school, and I am waiting to finalize it with an internship. While waiting to do so, I am working in a factory where my dad works.
BA: I’m almost finished with my third year in college. I’m studying to be a preschool and primary school teacher.
Have you ever lived together?
ABJ: Unfortunately, we haven’t met in person — but I think living with Bea would be marvelous since we’re so alike. I feel we would be on the same page about how the housekeeping would work and everything. I’d love to be roommates for some time with her, honestly.
How often do you text/call/FaceTime each other?
ABJ: We talk practically every day and we try to FaceTime, but sometimes it’s difficult to combine agendas. But we’re messaging, sending each other memes and fandom-related stuff all the time.
BA: We text and send audios to each other daily. FaceTiming is harder because we’re both quite busy during the week, and during the weekends either she’s out or I’m out. We’ve seen some movies together, though.
What was the last thing you texted about?
BA: My dilemma regarding my WhatsApp background. I currently have this beautiful shot of Jonathan Bailey (Anthony in Bridgerton) with a bunch of flowers, but I found a really cute pic of Shadow and Bone's Kaz and Inej that I also love, and I know Alba's the one who can help me.
ABJ: About Kate and Anthony, the main couple of the second season of Bridgerton, and the book I'm currently reading: Here the Whole Time by Vitor Martins.
What’s one TV show you both agree on?
BA: I can’t really choose one, because we generally think the same: Teen Wolf, Roswell, New Mexico, Bridgerton, and Shadow and Bone.
What's your favorite underrated thing about each other?
BA: Her style! I’ve seen many pictures of her outfits and I love her fashion — it’s casual, but cute and modern, and I envy that in a good way.
ABJ: The way we understand each other perfectly. Even from the beginning of our friendship, we have always understood each other, no matter the subject, the situation, or the "problem."
What is your favorite memory together?
BA: Either the time we watched Pride and Prejudice (2005) together — because Alba had never seen it and I’m a super fan — or when I sent her a Red, White & Royal Blue book pin and we started our letter exchange. (We’re pen pals, too!)
ABJ: It’s not one, per se — it’s the way I can always count on Bea. No matter the issue, fan stuff, important stuff, happy/sad stuff, she’s always there for me.
What’s one random memory you have of each other?
BA: It’s not really a memory we had together, but it has always stuck with me that Alba told me that when she watched Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again, she started crying in the first five minutes and didn’t stop until the end of the movie.
ABJ: Maybe the way our friendship started, because I would have never thought that sending Bea that DM would have created this one-of-a-kind bond.
Which one of you is better at keeping secrets?
ABJ: I’d have to say it's a tie, because we’re both really good at keeping secrets.
BA: I’d say we’re both quite good at it. I’d never betray anyone’s trust, and I know she wouldn’t, either.
What was your biggest fight about?
BA: We've never really had a fight, hehe.
ABJ: We have never fought. Yay, friendship!
Was there ever a time when you considered not being friends?
BA: Nope.
ABJ: Honestly, no — more like the opposite. I want to be more friends, if that makes any sense. She’s such an amazing person, and we connect and understand each other so well, I still feel we could be closer.
What’s one word you’d use to describe your friendship?
BA: Serendipitous — finding something that makes you happy by chance.
ABJ: I’d go with fascinating. Every day with Bea is so beautiful and exciting.
Why do you think your friendship works?
BA: I don’t think we have a relationship like one you can have with someone you’re with every day, so of course the deeper bonds of physical contact have not arisen yet, but I think we work because we’re so similar in many aspects of life. It’s not just that we like the same TV shows, but also that we see love, family relationships, politics, etc. in very similar ways as well. We deal with certain situations in the same way and that makes me feel connected to her.
ABJ: We really understand each other and we are always there. We’re almost the same person. We feel and like things the same way. The same way we are there to fangirl over everything, we're there when more serious and mature events happen, too.
What’s the biggest lesson you’ve learned from each other?
ABJ: That it's always OK to be yourself. No matter how intense or "too much" you are, there will always be someone who will understand you and share that intensity with you.
BA: I don’t think I would’ve let myself get immersed in fandom Twitter and met some other incredible people if it wasn’t for Alba. Getting to connect with other people who love what I love is a huge part of my life — if I hadn’t met her, I may have never found the community I have found.
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