#all of that to say that your message literally lifted some of that weight off my shoulders

[hoshigray]

𝐋𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐓𝐡𝐲 𝐃𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐧 𝐍𝐞𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐛𝐨𝐫! | fushiguro tōji

𝐒𝐲𝐧𝐨𝐩𝐬𝐢𝐬: Not only are you drunk on a Friday night, but you’re a drunk, closeted succubus who is, unfortunately, under the care of the hot neighbor under your roof! Would you ruin the mood if he found out about your little secret? You don’t even wanna know!

𝐂𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐬: Toji x afab/fem! succubus reader - explicit content; minors DNI - modern au! reader + Toji are neighbors - age difference; reader is in late-20s + Toji is mid/late 40s - crushing/mutual pining - drug/alcohol usage - fingering (f! receiving) - oral (f! + m! receiving) - clitoral play (swiping) - Daddy kink - sqǔitïng - anal play (m! receiving) - 69 + backshots + spooning + cowgirl positions - unprotected sex (psa: wrap it up, or get tf up) - creampies - praise kink - pet names (baby, doll, dollface, good girl, mama, princess, sweetie) - implied marathon sex - mention of drool/spit, tears, and cum - not proofread; will do l8r.

𝐖𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐂𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 7.8k

𝐀𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫'𝐬 𝐍𝐨𝐭𝐞𝐬: pulled this story out of my ass; I literally spent a whole single DAY dedicating to writing it. please enjoy, and tysm for 11.9k loveliesss ☆ love and appreciate u all !!

“…shit.”

There’s no way.

“Shit, shit, shit, shit—”

Of all days for this to happen.

“Oh, my fucking God, not tonight!!”

Tonight was already an eventful night, with the full moon shining brighter than the stars. Life has put you so fast in a whirlwind that you can’t recall the last time you permitted your body to unwind. Can you blame yourself, though? From moving to a new neighborhood and scoring a new job, things have kept you undeniably busy for the past few months. And not too mention,  it’s your fault for being a bit of a hermit and lacking a drive for social interaction. 

That’s precisely why your old college besties – Shoko, Utahime, and Yuki – pulled you out of your hideyhole and encouraged you to join them this Friday night to have some fun! “C’mo~n, lighten up! No more thinking about work or whatever; have some fun!” “Yeah, y’know you’re my biggest drinking buddy. Now, hurry up and share this cocktail with me!” The ladies pressure you to relax and enjoy the start of the weekend with some good drinks and delicious food. And, you hate to admit, it worked like a charm – the longer the hours went, the more you felt free as if all the weight holding you down had been lifted.

The only problem is, like all good things, that it had to end and that you had to go home. Now check this out: 1) you left your car at home because, again, you were rigorously dragged out of your abode by your college companions. 2) You were all pretty much drunk, enough for neither one of you to drive on the road. And 3) you guys are in the city, and catching a lift is not only a gamble but SUPER expensive! Guess that’s what you get for choosing a Friday night to free-ball.

However, when hope was lost, and you wouldn’t be in the comfort of your bed tonight, you received a text on your phone, and you could practically hear the angels sing in the heavens above!

Recent Message from: Neighbor Fushiguro

Yo. You home? I’m out in the city picking up stuff for the house. Need anything?

Thank God for neighbors, am I right? The chances of someone you know being within the same vicinity of you may be low, but never zero! Did you feel bad that you texted back saying you needed a ride back to your house? Sure. Did you feel extra bad when you asked a huge favor for him to drop your friends off at the nearest hotel? …Yeah. 

But luckily, he didn’t seem to mind. The only thing you had to endure was him teasing you about your little outing (with the help of your friends in the back of his truck) and your tipsy persona. “Never took you fr’ one who drinks.” He scoffs while putting you down on your couch after slinging you over his shoulder because you complained about your feet hurting. Damn heels! “Neither one who gets drunk.”

“It wasn’t my fauuu~lt,” you whine with a significant stretch while your neighbor roams around. “My fwiends, they forced me to–hic–to do it…”

“Mm, do your ‘fwiends’ always push you over to do things?” He shouts from the kitchen; you can hear cabinets opening and closing. 

“When you’re the youngest of the group, they do.”

“Well, maybe I gotta get to know ‘em so they can push you into goin’ out more. And maybe you can quit avoidin’ me when I invite you over.”

“I don’t try to avoid you!” You sprout defensively. “And quit teasing me, Toji! You’re supposed’ta be on my side; I’m the victim here.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever ya say.” Heavy footsteps draw nearer to where you are, and your heavy eyelids open to see a hand stretching towards you with a glass of water. “I’m here takin’ care of ya now, aren’t I, lil’ victim?”

A smile pulls your lips as you take the glass. “Thank you,” you express before a sip, and your neighbor lifts your feet to sit on the cushion beside you. 

“Y’re welcome,” he places your legs on his lap, grabbing the remote to turn on the television. 

You haven’t been in this neighborhood long enough to say you have friends. Don’t get it wrong; everyone you contacted has been lovely and friendly, and some have opted to help with your move! But aside from the casual greetings in the morning or the nods of acknowledgment, you barely know people who scratch the surface of acquaintanceship. Not to mention, it’s your fault for being a bit of a hermit. 

…But, there is one neighbor you could say you’re pretty close with. Someone nice. Someone dependable…Someone attractive that you’re on a mission not to stare too much.

Toji Fushiguro lives two houses down from you across the street. Remember I mentioned you had people assist with your move? This widowed, middle-aged man was one of the nice handymen who aided you and your friends with your boxes and heavy furniture. You remember it like yesterday, seeing this brawny man stroll up your driveway on the sunniest day of June. You nearly mistook him for an Olympic athlete. 

“So, y’re the one movin’ ‘round here?” The calm baritone of his voice was unforced. “Nice to know there’s a cute face on the newbie. Need any help?” It’s how he asked – so sultry and alluring you almost spaced out before nodding absentmindedly to his request for aid, hoping he didn’t notice you watch how the scar of his lip moved as he spoke. “Welcome to the neighb’rhood, kid.” Rarely do you have butterflies running amok in the pits of your guts, but they were challenging to deal with that day. 

And it doesn’t get any better from that day forward. No matter how hard you wished not to run into this immediate crush of yours, he would somehow wheedle his way into your path. It started slow, exchanging hellos or good mornings whenever he left for work or you took the garbage out. Then came the “Want me to do y’r lawn fr’ ya?” or the “House down the street’s havin’ a little barbecue, wanna get to know people?” You thought moving away from the busy city life would die things down. However, Toji making your head race every chance he gets wasn’t a move you could envisage. Think about how you felt the day he asked for your number to keep in contact “fr’ emergencies…or if ya need anythin’, shoot me a call,” how your heart jumped to your throat! Oh, the girls never stopped teasing you when you told…

Nonetheless, you can’t deny how much help he’s been. Well, outside of that, just being a great neighbor all around. Besides being an absolute succor, he’s an outlet you can come to for anything. Whether for the house, the community, or just personal conversations, Toji’s someone you can admitlingly say you’d depend on. With trust built from day one, sharing pieces of yourselves to break down barriers, it’s safe to say that he is undoubtedly a friend who made your decision to move a worthy risk.

…Yet, what’s even more risky is being alone with him, something you do everything you can to avoid. Why? Look at him! Would you trust yourself to be anywhere with this man alone? Of course not! This is why tonight is the riskiest night you’ve ever bestowed upon your drunk self.

“You got somthin’ to say?”

“Huh?” You perk to reality, anxiousness filling you once you realize you had been staring at the man. “N-No, I’m sorry.”

He stifles a snort, grabbing your feet to massage them from the pain. “Oh, wanna act quiet. You were all bubbly in the passenger seat with y’re friends. Now y’re all shy because y’re stuck with me, huh?”

“T-That’s not true!” A lie; he was right on the mark. Your heart has been beating nonstop once he sat next to you. “It’s just that…I’m sorry for making you drive and pick me and the girls up.”

“Nah, don’t apologize,” his focus is on your feet as he kneads and rubs the sole of your foot. “Told ya I was around the area doing some shoppin’, so pickin’ ya up on my way back was easy.”

You take another sip of your water. “Shopping?” 

“Mm, my kids are down here for the weekend, so I had to go out fr’ a bit and grab shit fr’ my daughter.” Ah, yes, Toji is a father; you remember him telling you about his two children in college, a junior and a sophomore. “They’re at the house right now; saw ‘em after I dropped stuff at the house before bringin’ ya home.” 

You hum. “Sorry for stealin’ you from them for a bit.”

He shakes his head with a humorless laugh. “Please, they probably don’t even know I’m gone. They’re big kids. Plus,” your breath hitches when emerald eyes trail to you. “Now I get to finally have you all to myself, no curvin’ me and whatever this time.” 

“I’m not tryin’ to curve…”

“Yeah, yeah.” He goes back to massaging your feet.

“…Thanks again, Toji. I really appreciate it.”

“No problem, sweetheart.” Your abdomen flexes at the use of the nickname. “You know I always got you…Say, did you hit y’r head somewhere?”

You blink, eyebrows furrow. “No? Why?”

He points to his temple. “Because I see like a lump right here.”

You mirror his movements, your hand touching the spot he’s pointing. And your fingertips meet with a lump on a location that sparks too much familiarity. You gasp aloud and cover the lump with your hand, the other covering your other temple. 

Oh, no.

Black eyebrows knit together. “You okay?”

Play it cool! “Y-Yeah, yeah, I’m fine! You’re right; I probably hit my head somewhere while out.” You take this time to remove your legs off the comfort of Toji’s lap and stand up from the couch. “I’ll put something on it to stop the swelling.” You can also sense something aching down your lower back at that moment. Oh, hell no!!

“Ya sure? Need me fr’ any—“ 

BZZZZ!! BZZZZ!!

Toji’s cut off from the vibration of his phone in his jeans, pulling the device out to see that someone called “Megumi” was calling. Good, a distraction!

“N–No, no, I’m good from here.” You say through gritted teeth, the alcohol taking effect and making your stance a little buzzy to uphold. “J-Just stay here, I’ll be back!” You don’t even wait for his approval, turning on your heel and heading out of the living room to the stairs. Your body feels wobbly with every step you take, but you don’t pay it any mind because you can feel the lumps beneath your palms increasing. “God, please, not now, not today…!”

You march as fast as you can to your bedroom, nearly stumbling on the floor as you haul ass to your bathroom door. You do a terrible job watching your footing fall after rushing to turn the lights on, and stuff from the counter falls because of the impact. But you didn’t care, shuffling up so you could look at the mirror. And the sight you see fills you with immediate dread.

Horns are the first thing you see from either side of your head; the tips curl as if to form a crown but point to the ceiling. Your eyes are no longer human-like, pupils shaped like slits as if morphing into a reptile. And your ears get horizontally pointier.  “…shit.”

You then lift your skirt and tear a hole in your pantyhose above the hem of your panties, and your fear quadruples at the sight of something long and slithery protruding out of the hole. A long tail with a pointy end; you lose your mind. “Shit, shit, shit, shit—”

It’s then you realize why this is happening: you had forgotten to take your daily supplements that are meant to subjugate these features of yourself. You’ve been taking them for the longest time before you moved into this neighborhood, so you’re used to your typical human facade. Now, seeing these parts of yourselves is the very LAST thing you need right now! 

And then something hits you, an unsettling feeling that you’re too scared to confirm. Your eyes travel down to your shirt, your hands hesitantly pulling the bottom tucked into your skirt and lifting to reveal your navel. You then tug the top of your skirt to expose a spot you’re honed in on the mirror. And the urge to scream grows tenfold once you see a black marking on the lower part of your belly. 

A womb tattoo!?!? 

“Oh, my fucking God, not tonight!!”

“YO, HEY!” And just when it couldn’t get worse, you hear Toji coming up the stairs and beelining for your open bedroom door. Wait, no— “I heard screamin’ and a big ‘boom,’ you alright? Where are y—“

Your neighbor stops dead in his tracks once he appears in front of the bathroom opening; his concerned expression shifts to an immediate neutral deadpan. He stares at you, and you stare back at him, the silence so thick you could cut it with a knife. A ring fills your eardrums, dissociating from this entire scene and all its complications.

You want to cry. Maybe scream, throw up, or just straight up die on the spot. 

Because this wasn’t the night for someone to find out you’re a succubus.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

“…”

“…”

“…So, what are you?” 

Not even concealing your face in your pillow can hide you from the eventual questions of Toji, who sits idly on the corner of your bed. You cringe internally, never thinking this dilemma would befall you. The point of moving was to turn a new page in your life and leave the past behind with the city. Now, you are shriveling on top of your bed like a moody teenager, and your neighborhood crush is here to witness your depression.

“…What happened to your phone call?”

“It was my kid. I told him to lock the door since I’ll be out a little longer. Don’t try and deflect,” his blunt answer has you descend further to your inner turmoil. “How come I never seen these horns before?”

You sigh heavily; there’s no point in trying to divert now. “…I take supplements that hinder any features of my succubus appearance so I can look like an average human for the rest of the day.”

“Daily?” He sees you nod through his peripheral. “Succubus…the hell’s that?”

“Basically, I’m a demon that…that…” Yeah, no, let’s not finish that. “Never mind.”

“Bullshit. Tell me.” 

“D-Don’t worry about it, it’s not—“

“Look here,” he speaks to you with a stern tone, a hand coming to your waist to shove you a bit. “I went ahead and picked y’re drunk butt up, made sure ya don’t puke up a storm, and now y’re here looking way different from before. The least you could do is explain.”

God, to be lectured by a human – totally humiliating…! “…I’m a demon that gets energy from…se–….sexu, uhh………..sexualactivitywithhumanbeings.”

The silence that trails after your ramble is beyond awkward. 

“Oh.”

…

“Oh.”

God, just kill me right now!

The older man forces a cough. “So, you…have sex every day?” You can practically sense the tiny hint of discomfort from prompting that question.

“W-Well, I used to when I was younger. But I haven’t really…done it in a couple of years.” Jesus Christ, why is it so embarrassing to admit to someone other than yourself? This is the literal worst! 

“Is that bad?”

“It’s, uhh…It can be?” 

“So, why haven’t you done it?”

“Because…!” You snap your face out of your pillow and finally allow yourself to breathe correctly. “I just…I don’t have time like I used to anymore, and using my powers to make people forget afterward can get tiring. Also, the more times I do it, the more my drive gets intense from the last. The desire of a succubus can be dangerous, you know? And since it’s been a while since I’ve let my powers out, I’m sure it’s nastier than ever…”

“…Well,” Toji turns to face you. “Have you ever had the urge recently?”

“I-” Woah. That question came out of nowhere, almost answering it without proper consideration. “Wh–What do you mean by that…”

He shrugs. “Like—you know what I mean—like, even though you try to suppress it, do you still have those urges to do…ya know, it?”

Things get a little uncomfortable here; now you wish you kept your face in that pillow. Tojo’s gaze on you is distinguished — gentle yet stern, matching his demeanor. He's calm and calculating and is waiting for your response to his strangely personal question. 

“I…I, I don’t know.” It was another lie.

“Why’re you lyin’?”

“I’m not…!” Toji clicked his teeth with a face.

“Fine, answer me this then. Have ya ever thought of doin’ it since ya moved here?” 

Yup, this question was far worse than the other. His words echo inside your noggin, bewildered with every syllable relaying. And the widowed man lifts his brow from the lack of an instantaneous answer. You open your mouth, but words fail to aid you, your tail shying away behind your shadow. “I-I…I don’t—“

“Ever thought of me?”

“Toji!” You shout defensively. Sure, it might’ve been out of line to ask. However, it’s the fact that he’s breaking your exterior with every question — because of how on-the-mark he is. You could never prepare yourself for that inquiry, the heat on your face growing more unbearable. How could he know of the frenzy he puts you through just for existing? 

“I’m not dumb.” You peep Toji, turning his torso and facing his entire front in your direction. “You think I don’t notice how often you try to push me off when I invite ya over or know when y’re lookin’ at me when you think I’m not aware’?” He dents the bed with his added weight, and you forget to breathe, watching him inch closer. “Or act all shy and cute when I got you to myself?” 

You gulp, your brain short-circuiting at the feeling of Toji’s palm on your thigh. There have been countless nights where you’ve thought of your neighbor more than once, indulging in fantasies you could never speak of to a soul, especially Toji himself. To let the man know of the dirty things you’d want him to say to you, the names you wish him to call you, the erotic things you’d like him to do to you — death is the only option necessary not to let that happen. Unfortunately, he seems to have a good idea now that he’s cornered you like this, and you’re too stunned to utter a word.

“It’s okay, though,” he whispers low now that he’s close to your face, and you have to hold back on letting out a yelp when his hand comes to hold your face, his index finger toying with your sensitive earlobe. “‘Cuz I love it when y’re all timid, can’t even look me in the face…Like now.”

You try to avert away from him, but his thumb brings your chin back to him. “Toji, please,” his name feels forbidden to say all of a sudden. 

“Tell me ‘no’.” His nose brushes the tip of yours, and you chew your lip. “I’ll stop right now and leave, let you deal with this y’reself…Or,” he ghosts to your ear, and you quiver. “I’ll stay with you and treat you to what y’ve been scared to ask fr’.”

“Toji, wait,” Fuck, you can’t remember the last time you had your ears so keen, his breath brushing it enough to compel you to meltdown.

“Say ‘no,’ princess.” You’re locked under his forest-green orbs, and you swear you could hear your heart hammering your chest. “Or I’ll treat you right tonight.”

Perplexed eyes can’t move anywhere else, and your lips are wet from licking them without knowing. Is this really happening…? An inquisition you had no time to answer for yourself once Toji closes the gap, centimeters nearer with every millisecond.

I…can’t…

His face draws near, and your eyes reflex to close. 

I don’t…want to…

Toji pulls you in for a gentle kiss; your thoughts radio silent after the contact of his scarred lips on yours. No shot. Your neighbor was kissing you right now — there’s no way!? This had to be a dream…! This is truly a wild night: not only are you tipsy to the noggin, but your neighborhood crush has found out your secret, and now you’re kissing that exact crush in your room?? Your muscles go tense at what is occurring. 

He peppers your lips with kisses, forced to catch up with him as he claims your lips, a palm snaking to the back of your head to keep you steady. He licks your bottom lip, chewing gently to prompt the softest gasps out of your mouth. “C’mon, baby,” he coos to your sensitive ears. “Relax wit’ me.” You nearly melt at the lick of your helix as his free hand courses from your chest to your waist. The brush of his fingers onto your tail makes you jolt. 

“Toji, wait,” you mutter under your breath as he nibbles on your pointy ear, your hands gripping the back of his black wife beater. “D-Don’t; I’m so sensi—Nmmm…!” Jesus, the moan you held back! Toji trails his mouth to your chin down to your neck to suck on your skin. And your lower half throbs harder. “Ahhh…hahhh…”

He returns his lips to yours; this time, his tongue runs on your teeth vigorously to seek entry. You submit after a chew to your bottom lip, whimpering as the older man inserts his wet muscle to greet yours. Surreal, isn’t it, to be tongued down by your neighbor? You don’t know whether it’s the alcohol, the twitches between your inner thighs, or the flick of his tongue and the sound of his purrs that have your face getting hotter. 

And fuuuuuuck, he’s such a good kisser — scratch that, he’s an AMAZING kisser! You’re practically turning into putty in the palm of his hands as he lips you, tilting his head to a proper position with a soft push to your face as he deepens the kiss. He sucks on your tongue, and you mewl, helplessly quivering when he teases the muscle with nibbles. Your waist has a mind of its own while it sways involuntarily, rocking as you sink into the zealous kiss. He’s not overpowering you in any way; if anything, he’s so overwhelmingly comforting, his hand caressing your cheek tenderly, and soft noises of lips smacking and breaking apart bounce one after the other.

Then, you shrill unexpectedly. “…!! Mmahhh! T-Tojiii, d-don’t—don’t touch…Haahhh…”

“Oh? Well, lookie here.” Your ears perk at Toji’s chuckle. Unbeknownst to you, distracted by the intense kiss, your neighbor sneaks his hand under your skirt and touches your private zone shielded by your pantyhose, fingers pressing up on your vulva area. “All we did is kiss, and ya already got your panties wet?”

Embarrassed? Of course, it’s been so long since you were touched like this and out of practice. Now, your repressed emotions start to crumble out of their straightened form the more Toji’s middle finger rubs on your panties. And let’s not even mention your thighs motioning to ride on the digit, your dignity starting to disintegrate. “Ohhh, Toji…”

“Mmm? What is it, sweetie?” He nuzzles to your neck after licking and sucking on your chin. “Feelin’ good down there?” He curls his middle and forefinger to push. “Got ya all excited?” He receives a confirmed hum. “Tell me how y’re feelin’.”

You gulped thickly, your breathing shaking. “I-I’m feeling—shit…” he laughs lowly at your swearing. “Nnnm! You’re making me feel…so hot.”

“I can tell, you’re twitchin’ like crazy right on my fingertips.” His fingers move into a circular motion, and your mouth goes agape. “Fuck, man…Hey, hold on, I wanna do somethin’.”

Toji removes his fingers from under your skirt before you can tell, the heat between your legs going tepid as he withdraws from your figure to lay his back on the bed. But before that, he unzips and loosens his jeans to his butt. A noticeable tent of his boxer briefs has your lips locked to each other, and your eyes widen when he subtracts the material. Just when you thought this night couldn’t get any more crazier, you are awake to witness the display of Toji’s erection in real-time. 

How long has it been since you’ve seen a real-life, living, and breathing dick before your eyes? You honestly can’t recall that; the responsibilities of human life have made you grow numb to your demon necessities that it no longer feels innate. However, the sight of your crush’s solid, girthy, excited cock is marveling. How your mouth waters as you ogle at it is borderline humiliating, eyes glued to the uncut tip.

“Like what ya see?” He asks smugly, kicking his jeans and briefs off and slapping his thigh. “C’mere, mama.” Oh, fuck, the quirk of your insides was unavoidable at his comment, primarily as he guides you closer to him. “Let’s warm up.” You yelp as he effortlessly moves your legs to where you straddle him. He pushes your skirt up to your waist, and you can hear the tear from your pantyhose. His thumb comes to slide your panties to the side, and he whistles. “Damn, lookin’ all pretty and wet fr’ me.” 

It’s either the fact that Toj’s dick is inches in front of your face or your bare pussy out in the air in front of him; either one of the two has your mind going in a whirlwind. And it all comes to a standstill the moment you sense something wet and firm glide across your labia, and it takes everything in you not to tremble. “Mmm, oh, fuck,” he groans after licking your cunt, throwing in another lazy one to have you holler. “It’s been so long…Shit.”Toji’s hands curl from your legs to cup your asscheeks, keeping your butt near him to lap his tongue around your chasm. You whine as he licks you down, your teeth clattering at the sensation. 

Oh, my God, your head begins to ache. It feels so good, your body finally coming back to the groove of things as you move your butt around. The man under you quickly latches his mouth onto you, a firm grip on your ass to keep you in place for him to service you. Speaking of service, your eyes flick to the erect limb before you, your mouth salivating with the run of your tongue across your teeth. Fuck, it looks so good; you admire internally before inching your face close to the length, your head getting dizzier from the sheer size and musk. Damnit…I wanna taste him so bad…!!

“Go on, dollface,” Toji gives your butt a playful smack. “I know ya need this bad.” 

God, he’s so right — you need this; there’s no point in denying anymore. You blow on it before placing a tender kiss, noticing how it pulsates as your hand wrings around the shaft. You lick your lips before pecking at the uncircumcised tip, and Toji’s hold on you goes tighter. He’s sensitive, you note. Adorable. You stick your tongue out to swirl around the cockhead, bathing it with your saliva before you inhale it with a delighted hum, gradually warming up your loosened jaw.

Fuck, the taste of a cock — something that felt nostalgic the moment he graced your tastebuds. Your eyes water a bit, trembles rocking your figure as Toji sucks on your wetness, and every inch you intake fuels the haze that fogs your brain. You stroke and suck him simultaneously, a forgotten method that rekindles now in this moment. You coat him with your spit the more you relax your jaw, slurping him unapologetically as if a different part of yourself takes over. 

On the other hand, Toji feels the same way. It’s been way too long for the widowed man since the last time he has been intimate with someone, let alone have a bare ass right in front of him. It’s no secret that he’s had the hots for you once you moved here, but having you on top of him like this is like something out of his wet dreams. The way you murmur cutely as you suck his dick turns him on so bad, a guilty pleasure come true as he drinks your nectar off your damp naked folds. His tongue teases around the entrance of your vagina before pushing it in, fucking your opening with his wet muscle. You cry on his girth, your tail cringing in the air from the stimulation. He spots it and grabs it from the base; how your lower half jolts to the grasp is humorously darling to him. So cute.

The minutes go longer as you two keep pleasing each other, and a soft whimper escapes your lips when you release Toji from your lips, lips plastering long and sweet kisses on his shaft as you massage the tip. Your other hand palms and kneads his ballsack, the jerk of his thighs rewarding to see, so you increase the pace of your hand.

“—Thhh, nmm!” Toji curses from behind, sluggishly licking from clit to your slit while succumbing to your touch and mouth. “Shiiit, just like that, baby, suck me off like t—Mmngh! Christ, I’m gonna..fffuckin’ cum…”

But then, you remove yourself from Toji’s member, the cold air instantly blanketing him. Green eyes blink as you move off of his lying body, observing you bending over with your face to the cold sheets.

“Toji,” you plea to him desperately, hooded eyes shining eagerly. “Please, I need it…Here,” you spread your ass, fully exposing your slit wet from your fluids mixed with his saliva. Jesus, you were heathing as if you were in heat. “Do it here, I need it inside…!”

You had the man shook; the cogs in his mind stopped working briefly. The picture of you presenting yourself like this to him was unexpected, but goddamn, did it turn him on astronomically! Toji stands on his knees and advances to you, removing his tank top and discarding it to the floor. “Yeah? You want it that bad?” You nod impetuously. “Words, sweetie. Need you to tell me what to do.”

“Toji, pleeease…!” You wiggle your ass until he cusps it, kneading your flesh lovingly to the point that your tail curls around his forearm. “Please, put it in, I wanna feel it…!”

“Yeah, is that what my princess wants?” You and Toji bite your lips when he aligns his tip to your inner labia, teasing you with grinding motions. “Does my demon baby want Daddy to mess y’r insides that bad?”

Oh, we’re playing that card, too? Holy shit, you were getting so wet from this! “Yess, Daddy, pleasee! Mess me up with that dick, wanna be filled up right nooww…!”

He can’t hide the proud grin. “Good girl. Here,” Toji begins to push the cockhead to you, and your lips flatten at the wince of pain that accompanies the push. “Stay still, and lemme reward you,” his hips move slowly in your direction, you grip the sheets to prepare yourself, and your nerves are dialed to a plane of exhilaration you can’t regulate. Oh my God, is this happening? He’s gonna fuck me? So many thoughts cloud your mind, too excited and anxious for what’s to come because it’s been so. Damm. Long. How’s it gonna feel? Is your body ready enough? How does Toji feel about this; is he just as nervous as you a—

Your train of thought is brought to an abrupt halt at the sensation of Toji’s tip finally inserting itself into your vagina, too absentminded that your open mouth couldn’t say a word. Oh, fuck it’s in, it’s in! Your eyes widen, your muscles tense, and your voice struggles to cry. The older man continues to add himself leisurely, the length sundering your slit and stretching your opening as you take him inch by inch. Your back arches instinctively, wailing silently as you can feel the foreign limb intruding your tightness, quick quirks of your frame as he rubs your velvety texture. Ohhhh, my God…!!

When he slowly starts to rut into you, recurring waves of rapture hit your nerves every. Single. Time! You’re entire body is rocked to the core with every short yet gentle pound; the feeling of Toji’s veiny cock scrapping your channel has you shivering. And once he’s encouraged to push his entire member until the very hilt, you yelp aloud when the tip kisses your womb. “—Oooh??!”

“—Mmngh!” Your quick spasm surprises Toji. “Ohhh, shit, there it is. Hmm? Is this where ya want me, mama? Want me right…here?” He snaps his hips swiftly, the rushed movement and hit to your cervix knocks you winded. And another, you keep wringing his shaft acutely. “Ahhn, God fucking damn i—Iisshhffuck, fuck, I can’t, gonna…Hnghh!”

Toji’s body shudders above you, bucking into your warmth with a jittery pattern. The prolonged reaction of his orgasm claims him now, succumbing to the silky, tight texture and how well you’re grasping onto his girth. He comes inside you, moaning as he ejaculates earlier than expected. You sense it, humming to the immediate filling. So warm, so full of his cock already that your toes curl. 

And Jesus Christ, it felt so. Fucking, Good! You were no longer drunk from the alcohol; now, you were intoxicated by the prowess and pleasure of Toji’s dick. 

“Hah, haaaah, fuck,” he throws his head back with a hiss, his abdomen relaxing from the earlier flex. Then, your tail glides up from his abs, feeling up on his skin and roaming on his happy trail. He snickers at your feline-like comportment, “Heh, actin’ all cute now that you got what ya wanted, huh?” You say nothing, bashful to his words, while your tail curls up to his chin. “Don’t go quiet on me now, dollface; I heard you squeaking and moanin’ seconds ago.”

Toji then returns to rut into you despite recovering from his climax, furled to have you shrieking uncontrollably for him. The smacks of his pelvis recoil the flesh of your ass, his come stuffed inside you now glued to his erection as he rocks into you balls-deep. “Mmmm, yeah, that’s right, baby,” he grabs your tail and wraps it around his hand to pull; you scream louder, and your vaginal walls clamp tighter than ever. “Arch more fr’ me, enjoy me—nmm…!—fuckin’ you real good.”

The pull of your tail makes your senses hypersensitive, perturbed by the stress of it being pulled, yet the enjoyment you feel from it is too inexorable to comprehend. Coherent sentences double down to undecipherable babbles, “—Daahh, hoohhfuuc—D-Daddyyy, Daddyyy…!!” Tears well up in your eyes as he inflicts blows to your ass, the pain too quick to prepare for yet the sting enough to make you rigid. “—Too much, ish t’oo muuuch…!”

Another smack to your butt, and you howl once again. “Huh, ya say that, but y’re milkin’ my cock like crazy.” He bends down to remove your hands that try to hide your face and horns with the pillow. “What, ya don’t like this? Hmm? Want me to stop?” 

“No, nooo!!” You shook your head immediately; your vision blurred for a few seconds. “I loveee iit, I love this, love Daddy’s diick—Ahaaa!! More…I want moreee!” Fuck, this is bad; any more than this, and you’ll be addicted for sure.

“Good,” he whispers to your ears. Good Lord, you weren’t going to survive. “Because I ain’t done wit’ ya yet, princess.”

Before you can register his sentence fully, Toji straightens and lays on his side behind you, lifting your leg to create a suitable angle. He then plunges into you harder and faster, the different positions helping the sporadic cadence achieve deeper penetration while scraping your upper wall with ease. At this point, your body is too hot and sticky to care about anything else outside this room; your head pounding and too misty, your senses corrupted by the constant pokes to your cervix and the increasing haze that you don’t feel human anymore. Your succubus roots flourish, drool escapes your lips, and wanting nothing but this feeling to remain ceaseless.

“Gahh, ohhhDaddyyy, ahhahh,” eyes roll to your skull at the brush of your sweet spots. “Shhoo good, I fweel shoo gooood…! Harder, hardeeerr!” 

“—Khhck, goin’ as hard as I fuckin’ can!!” Toji kisses your cheek after a lick, chewing on it after hearing you mewl submissively. “Jesus, this pussy, out of this fuckin’—Nnngh…world.”

You turn to him and claim his lips, and he reciprocates into your steamy kiss. Vulgar tongues exchange spit and encroach on each other’s mouth, and you helplessly suck on Toji’s after he shoves it, your puffy lips intaking the attractive noises he makes. And you slither a hand down to your clitoris to swipe erratically while your tail goes around Toji’s waist and curves into the crevice of his ass. Suddenly, Toji stiffens at the pointy end of your tail, tickling his anus, and the raven-haired man gasps at the insertion. Too stunned to speak, he can only move his hips rapidly, his white-ringed shaft digging deep into you with the help of stimulating his prostate. 

“—Taahhh, y-you, lil’ minx…!” He breaks the kiss and bites your lip to hear you whimper. “Tryin’ ta make me cum again?”

You nod, breathing heavily. “Ohhh, Daddy, I’m so close…! Gonna come!”

“Me too, mama, me too…” 

Hot moans and groans fly out of each other’s mouths, bodies stuck to each other as you both chase for release. Everything feels so fast, so hot, happening all at once; all you can think about is the grinding presses you push up on your delicate clit. Fuck, fuck! It’s coming, it’s coming…!”

Then, it arrives. Your cunt, aching for the climax, receives the crescendo you’ve been aching for this entire time. The walls of your vulva contract around Toji’s member, milking and wringing him as you come loose to your grounding. A clear liquid exerts out of your urethra, showering out to stain your panties, torn pantyhose, and bedsheets, your breathing losing its steadiness and falling to a jagged tempo. The same goes for Toji, who falls into his peak along with you; your fluttering folds force him to submit and release his second load into you with a hiss. The older man’s heaving frame keeps bucking into you until every drop fills you to the brim, burrowing his face deep into your neck to rest as the shocks rock you both.

Finally, everything goes quiet. The cozy atmosphere pulls you out of your heightened elevation and lays you down with silent clarity. Both you and Toji, sweaty and sticky all over, are still linked to each other as the high dissipates. Shuddering figures begin to calm down and fall at ease with the tranquility.

Toji kisses your neck, and you croon until he comes to lay his lips on yours for a tender peck, then on your soft cheek and your temple. He then removes his flaccid bulge, white fluids oozing out of your hole. “Damn, that was good,” he mutters breathlessly. “Hmm, how ya feel—“

The onyx-haired man couldn’t finish his question because of the sudden change of positions you abruptly conducted. He now lays on his back with you straddling him; the calm tone switched to an unexpected spiking mood. 

You then hand grab his dick and arrange it back to your raised hips. Viridian orbs widen. Wait. The tip meets your labia once more before you descend it down. What the f—hold on— And then, his cock is swallowed back inside your wetness, and Toji grits his teeth.

 “Sh-Shit, sweetie,” Toji’s hands come to your waist. “What’s up, aren’t y—“

“Sorry, Toji,” the man surveys with confusion, watching you strip off and throw your shirt somewhere. Your naked chest is now out for him to see, and his breath hitches when you place your hands on his pectorals while a span of bat-like wings springs out from your back. “…That wasn’t enough.”

Wasn’t enough?? He repeats with furrowed brows, noticing the half-lidded, lustful expression and the sharp dents of your canines. Then, it hits him: 

“The desire of a succubus can be dangerous, you know? And since it’s been a while since I’ve let my powers out, I’m sure it’s nastier than ever…”

…Oh, shit. “Wait, we can talk about—“ You get your answer once you bounce on his cock without notice, Toji nearly choking on his tongue. Nope, no room for prattling.

“You let out so much, made my mind go so crazy,” you grind your hips on his pelvis, squeezing his limp cock while it gets firmer and firmer. “Feel so good…More, I want moreee…”

“C-C’mon now, baby, can’t we take a break for a minute at least—“You bring your face an inch away from his.

“Daddy,” your neighbor shudders at the gentle kiss you place under his chin. “Please take care of me like you promised, ‘kay?”

Your gaze lured him in, a trap he was foolish enough to fall for. Because now, he’s stuck under your bow as you begin to inflict an inescapable rhythm, rebounding on his erection until the base meets your folds. Choked groans suppressed by Toji, but take his lips with yours, enforcing a loving yet salacious spell with your satisfied moans. Now, your crush realizes you weren’t the meek, adorable neighbor he dotes on. 

Tonight, he was yours to play like a fiddle…And shame on him for getting way more turned on than he should be!

Wow. Guess I’m dyin’ tonight.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

I should be fuckin’ dead right now.

Toji knew something was up when his eyelids opened, and his emerald eyes scanned the ceiling, instantly recognizing that he wasn’t in his master bedroom. The rays of sunshine are blocked from the curtains, yet the light of day crawls in and basks the room in a low glow. Chirps of birds outside greet him on the basking of a new autumn day, lying comfortably in the cold, silky sheets of the bed.

He wakes to a bit of a headache, mentally and physically groggy. Attempts to move are already tricky and aches all over his body keep him grounded in the mattress. Ugh, feel like I’ve lost all feelin’ in my legs; the man can’t even lift one leg without a grimace. And even his arms are challenging, one so oddly heavy as if it’s nailed down. 

“Fuck, man.” His first words of the day are a curse, irritated by the drum of his head. He tries to lift himself; again, it’s not possible, agitating the man even more. And why the fuck is my arm so hea—

He doesn’t finish his sentence — the answer reveals itself once he turns his head to the left. 

He sees you, surprised to view you in your natural form still. Horns have grown a little larger, yet still small enough for you to rest your cheek on his shoulder. You were sound asleep, faint snores picked up by his ears as he examined your face at ease with a peaceful slumber. Nude, the both of you, a hand wrapped around his left arm to stick close to you while the other is stationed at his chest, your bat wings shriveled together to not get damaged. And judging by the snake-ish feeling, your tail was curled around his bare thigh. 

Strangely innocent to see after the events of last night flash into Toji’s recollection, funny to match such a lewd scenario to such a sweet face. He stifles a laugh, placing his right hand on the vulnerable one on him, his thumb caressing your knuckles as he grasps your fingers. Suddenly, some of the soreness he harbors feels light — glad I ain’t dead, I guess.

Your eyes jit behind your eyelids, a soft groan as you suddenly move and scrunch your face. Finally, your drowsy eyes sheepishly flicker open. Lidded gaze fighting the spell of sleep with every bat of your eyes.

“Mornin’, gorgeous.” Toji greets you.

“…”

“…”

In real-time, Toji watches your somnolent morph into a gradual display of mortification. He’s a little envious to see you spring up with no strain on your body, wings batting out of their relaxed state, and your hand still with his. “T-Toji??” You question directly, eyes surveying the nude neighbor in your bed, doing everything in your power to ignore the fact that you’re naked as well. Speaking of, you notice the subtle pink glow of your womb tattoo, and anxiety spikes to a high. “I–uhh–I’m so so sorry for last night! Sorry you had to bring me back home, and I didn’t mean to act weirdly on you with—Ooof?!”

“Relax,” he cuts you off by pulling you back to his lying frame, his left hand now free to snake on your shoulder. “Don’t talk so fast; my head’s poundin’ like crazy.”

You blink aimlessly, awkward now that you’re fully aware you’re in this man’s embrace. You can’t help recalling what transpired last night, suddenly feeling squeamish. “…You okay?”

“I feel like my life’s been drained by my dick,” he answers bluntly, adding more weight to your embarrassment. “Wakin’ up to a pretty face who nearly killed me with their pussy isn’t somethin’ I’d expect.” 

“……sorry.”

“It’s alright,” calloused fingers glide and intertwine with his yours, stroking your thumb with his. “Had a good time either way. Wild, but good.”

“Really…?” 

“Really.” You probably shouldn’t have peered up to see him look your direction. Albeit exhausted, his handsome face and sleepy grin ignite the heat on your cheeks. And your stomach flips, hearing a laugh when you meekly avert your gaze away. “How many times did we do it?”

“…Not sure,” long enough for my womb tattoo to be blatant. 

“Me either. Does that happen often?”

“Sometimes? I guess it’s because I haven’t done it for a long time, so I went…off the rails because of the intensity.”

“Noted, because I never felt so old until now. I probably pulled somethin’.”

“….Sorry.”

“Y’re good,” Toji scoffs before moving to place a soft kiss on your forehead, and your heart skips the tighter his hand holds your hand. “Tell ya what, I can help you with that cycle of yours, probably…twice a month, so it doesn’t get too crazy like last night. And don’t use y’re powers or some shit to make me forget, either. I don’t wan’ that.”

You lift your face from his shoulder, the heat spreading to your ears. “You don’t have to do that, Toji, I wouldn’t—“

“Nah, I’m down; it’s what neighbors for. Besides, it finally gives me a reason to make ya interact with me more.” Again, his smug smirk causes knots in your stomach. “Like the sound of that, mama? Let Daddy take care of you?”

Your lips quiver, and you hide your face back onto his shoulder. The rumble of his laughter worsens the butterflies in your stomach, and your tail squeezes on his thigh. “Don’t say it like that, Toji!”

“Y’r tail seems to like it.”

“Stop it!”

♱ 𝐌𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭

© 𝐇𝐨𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐲2024 – reblogs + comments are appreciated wholeheartedly ☆ header art by tamayura banko + dividers by @cafekitsune.

[ethereallyjade]

Pick a Card: Where is Your F/S?

Choose a photo that calls to you and the cards will tell you a message. As always, this is just for fun. Do not take anything seriously or above legal or medical advice. If your interested in personal tarot readings and want to support me, check out my Paid Readings! Masterlist

1 - 3

Images are not mine

⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻

Pile 1

Channeled Messages: "Fly high , little one. Fly high," empty, ducks in a row, distracted, just can't get it right

Okay, this is good energy here. Where are they? They are partying. Some sort of gathering or celebration. Something that's giving them a lot of inspiration. I'm almost feeling like this celebration isn't necessarily for them, but it's kick starting them to fulfill something on their own. It's kind of opening their eyes to something they haven't seen before and it's making them feel free from something they were struggling with in the past. This idea could lead them to make a hell of a lot more money, or maybe this celebration is due to them making more money and now they feel more comfortable and stable to pursue something they've been thinking about for a while. Wherever they're at, they're feeling a sense of joy, success, and youthfulness that they haven't felt in a while.

Pile 2

Channeled Messages: indented, stopping to think, CONTEMPLATIVE, mirror image, butterfly, spoon, shiver/cold

I had to stop and brainstorm a few times before doing this reading, so your person might be very in their head right now, for better or worse. Okay, we got all cards in reverse, so it's probably for worse. They are stuck somewhere. Hopefully not literally. I keep seeing a picture of a room. Maybe they're in 'hermit mode' right now, which is funny since I didn't actually pull that card. However, instead of working on themselves and healing like the hermit typically intends, maybe they're just hiding away in fear; spiraling with thought after thought about something. It's healthy to allow yourself to feel or to need time away every now and then, but I'm seeing they have definitely overextended their stay. The cards are saying 'its time to go now'. I'm seeing a shaded, quiet room with empty bottles and candy wrappers. I'm hearing they may have spent the past few months in a constant state of alertness which caused them a ton of stress which explains why they've been hiding away, just to get a break. Sorry, to end on a sad note, but they're having a really hard time getting their energy back right now.

Note: It took me a while to shake off the energy of this pile, and immediately upon starting pile 3 I felt this huge weight lift off my head. Pile 2, your f/s is likely in a really dark place rn, I'm sorry.

Pile 3

Channeled Messages: Easy by The Commodores, sweet, light & giddy

I'm not feeling an overall negative energy here right off the bat, however the cards are suggesting that your f/s may feel very insecure right now. I think they're in a place that is blocking their creativity or feminine energy. They might be surrounded by people that are pushing them around, unbeknownst to them, and this is subconsciously making them feel insecure and unsure about themselves. I'm picking up a lot of feminine energy from this pile, which doesn't mean your f/s is necessarily a woman or anything. Maybe they're surrounded by a lot of women, but I don't think in a romantic way. I'm feeling that a woman close to them is really getting in their head and influencing them in a negative way. All in all your f/s has very good energy, I think they're a very kind and sweet person, but at the moment they aren't surrounded by those that have the best intentions.

[megabuild]

bit of a ramble below! tl:dr; i have insane person problems and realised that this blog isn't healthy for me so won't be coming back until i'm in a better place, i have no intent on deleting it but may password protect it in the coming days for my own peace of mind :P love yall!

the absolute basics on my situation is that i almost certainly have OCD, have been vocal about this likelihood in the past, and while i was aware i was susceptible to obsessions and compulsions irt online interactions and my posts on here i was not actually aware of how debilitating the effect this was having on my life was until i went completely cold turkey and blocked tumblr from all my devices. like genuinely night and day. i have so much more free time when i'm not spending it constantly name searching on every platform available and scrolling through my blog over and over to be sure that i didn't post a slur by accident lol. i'd rather not get into some of the stupider details of shit ive done in the name of perceived moral purity because that's nobody's business but trust me when i say it was like a weight got lifted off my fucking shoulders lol like i was having regular delusions about making a post so bad grian himself would say i should kill myself on stream and believing it was possible 😭 really good disorder guys i love having this

i have a lot to say about the way this community treats each other, both good and bad, but i think i'd rather hold off and make more informed and thought out posts on that when i'm not still reeling from all the bullshit life's been throwing at me. i do love and value this community so much, especially all the mutuals and friends i've made here. i've also been made extremely uncomfortable in the past by the easiness that people slip into very strange relationships not just with CCs but with their fellow bloggers. including me ! and i am a relatively small blogger in the vast scheme of things. this is no hate to anyone who's sent an anon or whatever, many of you are lovely people, but it's also like, well i have been literally stalked on this blog before so i feel i have justification for being a tad uncomfortable . again, a lot to be said on the celebritification of average people and the obsession on making sure one makes "Objectively Correct" choices when doing something as simple as watching a minecraft series and having opinions on it .. but alas, no brain for it right now, and also i would rather not risk the ire of twitter teenager #48 lest i be qrted by thumbnail artists telling me to lighten up and accept the steady decay of all that is good in this sphere in order to make room for more #Content. Sit down and eat your yaoibait you stupid faggot! sorry this is a serious post ignore that part

to any of my beloved oomfies you are free to message and ask for my discord though i am also being a bit difficult to reach over there rn my bad (and i may not get back to you quickly because as soon I post this I am logging straight the fuck back out).. i have made a separate tumblr account from this one which is less social media and more a little archive of images and art i like (and also is not related to mcyt at all, outside of maybe one or two art reblogs if i see something that really catches my eye) so if we've hung out and you don't exclusively post mcyt you might see me around in your notifs but i'd prefer not to be linked back here. any projects, fics, other blogs etc. i have been working on consider on pause for eternity, with the only exclusions being 3rd life miraheze (which i'm currently looking into options for but will certainly never go away! much love still to all our contributors who have worked tirelessly through wild life to update our various spreadsheets and tables) and aoyuer which i'm sort of picking up and taking away and hitting with hammers until it's sufficiently divided from mcyt and i can call it an oc story for real. peep my toyhouse if ye are so inclined and wont tell the adoptbrained callout squads over there that my oc once upon a time was lowkey rpf.

anyway this has already gotten far too long as i'm a chronic yapper and overexplainer but thank you very much for hanging out with me and talking about these stupid ass blocks. i have a handful of posts in the queue i wont be getting rid of and don't doubt i will come back to chat more shit in future but at the end of the day i'm here to have a fun time on the computer and i just was not having that anymore. i was having a scary and fucked up time on the computer, and life is too short to put yourself through that out of some butchered sense of responsibility to the niche follower base you've cultivated. if you also have ocd delete your blog as soon as it hits 1k like actually. if you worked in the askbox mines and are now facing redundancy then go follow my enemy thecoolerliauditore. or dont im not your boss anymore. im too busy homebrewing my 3ds. smooches mwahs !!!!!!!!!

[james-silent-hill]

PLEASE READ THE TAGS AND INTRO:

Read Chapter 1 of this Story Here !

Smut ahead! :

The silence is unsettling but James held you the entire time. He's careful not to place his hands anywhere where they don't belong. You can hear his pounding heart in his chest and the soft and steady flow of air he's breathing in and out. It's comforting and soothing even if the whole situation is deeply unsettling. 

"You don't have to tell me what you did." James speaks first, his hand stroking over your back. 

You greatly appreciate that, it's not easy to admit you've done everything a human being could do wrong in a situation like that. There isn't a day where you don't regret, feel the guilt, you didn't run because you didn't care. You ran because you panicked, fled the scene in a drunken terrified state. 

You didn't do it to be cruel. Right? 

"Maybe one day? If we...survive whatever this thing was that threw me around" You move away from James to rub at your arm and hip. That hurts but the bruises remind you of something, it takes a lot of self control not to squeeze them and indulge in the pain for just a moment. 

"Maybe." James nods, getting up and dusting off his pants before he offers you both of his hands. Lifting you onto your feet.

"Anything bleeding?" He asks worried, the way you were tossed? Wouldn't surprise him if something got damaged on your skin or bones. 

"I don't think so, just a bit traumatized, what on earth was that?" You huff, dusting yourself off as well before you check for any injuries. But even if there were any, they wouldn't be that important to you right now. 

"Wish I knew. I've seen it before just staring at me, guess it had a message for you" James grabs his gun and pipe that he had dropped to help you. He can still feel the small wet spots on his shirt...the weight of your head on his chest.

'Use me' 

"I can always tell you know? It's like a cold breeze hits you or something, you literally shudder" You point out when he reacts to something he heard again. 

"Use me" James repeats it, looking you up and down. 

His eyes mixed with that sting of being thrown around do not help your thoughts. Doesn't help the feeling of wanting those hands of his around your neck. Squeezing and squeezing.

"Good one" You point out. 

He chuckles.. 

That's the first time you've seen him somewhat laughing, smiling a little. Warming up to each other feels nice considering all this ice around them. 

"You need some rest I think. We can rest. Find a room that doesn't look uh, you know, moldy" He points out and you slowly nod. 

Trying to find a nice looking place almost feels impossible but eventually you manage. A small bed and a small couch but the cleanest ones you've seen so far. 

Of course he leaves you the bed. 

For some reason, there isn't a single pillow in sight. Weird. No doors either. Just a small room with a bed and the living room with the couch. 

At least a blanket. That's nice. 

You take off those brutal heels, this however is a pain you don't quite enjoy. 

"Ouch.." they feel so sore and irritated. You have to find others around here somewhere. 

"You okay?" James leans into the doorframe. 

God he's really something, he's effortless, everything he does he does with some strange kind of ease. Especially looking this fine in a place like that. 

"Gotta find me some new shoes. This really hurts you know?" You point at your legs. 

His eyes travel them for much longer than you would have thought. 

"I keep an eye out for something more comfortable." He huffs, when he turns to leave a soft hiss escapes you. 

"James?" You squint your eyes, this feels strangely familiar. 

"Mhm?" 

"Thank you for dragging me along and everything. I know im...a bit of a burden to you" You can't fight. Can't really use weapons. Can barely run in those stupid shoes. He'd be faster without you. 

"Don't say that. Don't..- Don't ever say that." His eyes glisten, his smile faded quickly. He's so serious now it almost makes you feel small. 

"Okay." 

You wonder what that was about. 

"I'm sorry..." You don't even know what you're apologizing for. 

'Bite me until i bleed for you'  

James turns his head away from you, a hand holding onto the doorframe. It's doing something to him, something he doesn't want, something he doesn't even want to think about. But these words are in his head all the time, and it's been so long since he..- even with himself. 

"It's okay." James nods before he disappears. 

He sits down on the couch in the living room, face in his hands, massaging his temples and cheekbones. 

He sees himself doing everything these voices tell him to do. Use you. Bite into your skin. Squeeze your throat until your eyes roll back. 

Violate you, hurt you.

He doesn't want to hurt you! He never wanted to hurt anyone, ever. He feels sick with these thoughts, another punishment? For sometimes smiling a second too long at Mary's nurses? Or for buying some tapes and trying to get it done himself but the terrible coughing in the other room...- So he just couldn't. 

He felt awful for even wanting to, how could this be on his mind with everything going on around him? 

His hands clutch the blanket, roughly tugging it into his lap. Trying to get his thoughts elsewhere. 

But all he can picture are his hands tearing apart that pantyhose. Leaving finger shaped bruises behind on your inner thighs and hip bones. Thrust so hard the bed damn near breaks. He wants to feel your skin against his teeth, hear you scream. 

"Hey! Look what I found! Lucky me." You are happy, a small victory for you despite the horrors of this place. 

"I found them under the bed, sure they have a bit of a heel but it's a lot flatter and wider plus half leather boots are seriously cute with that skirt, well in a way you know?" You didn't even notice the state he's in.

The dripping guilt, it’s covering his entire body. 

When you do finally meet his eyes something in your body melts. You squeeze your thighs together while you stand, taking a shaky breath. 

There it is…. 

The animal in every man. 

The threat in the air. 

The danger around you. 

The pure fiery desperation in his eyes.

‘Break me’ 

James hears the voice whisper, is it just him or did it get louder? 

"Do you want me to leave?" You don't want him to feel this way, not when he isn't enjoying it, it looks like this Lust is tearing him apart, fiber to fiber, bone to bone. 

He slowly shakes his head.

"Then what do you want James?" You slowly slip out of the boots you found, asking like you don't know what the answer will be.  

"I don't want to do this to you." He breathes out, his posture is stiff, like a river this guilt flows, a constant wave he always seems to be drowning in. 

"I know. James. Of course I know. But is it worth it? Feeling this bad all the time because you feel like it's wrong? Because what? You aren't allowed to feel lust or attraction or something? To me that just sounds like nobody but you is judging you for that, all you gotta do is ask, ask and we do whatever you want." 

His hand slowly takes away the blanket from his lap. 

Revealing a pretty large bulge pressing harshly and uncomfortably against his jeans. 

"Ask me..." You step a bit closer. 

"Can I let it all out on you?" His breath is shaky, his hands tremble and his eyes avoid you. 

You take his chin into your palm, lifting his head up slowly. 

"Yes. Yes you can." You sigh. 

This is home for you, this is exactly what you needed too. 

His hands grab your hips, pulling you down onto him. Forcing the denim skirt to ride up when you straddle him. His hands roughly tear at the fabric of the pantyhose. 

He lifts the skirt up until it rests on your stomach. Looking at your thighs and hips and the torn holes in the fabric, hooking his finger into another hole and tearing on it until your underwear is exposed.

You keep your hands to yourself for now, this is difficult for him. For his guilt and that loss of his wife.. you don't want to spook him. Do something too drastic or make him uncomfortable in any way. 

His hand trembles so badly when he tries to open his belt, or buttons on his dark blue Button up shirt. 

"Can I?" You ask, watching him struggle for a moment longer. 

James lets his head fall back, resting on the couch, eyes squeezed shut while he tries to nod. 

"Is that a yes?" You just need to make sure. 

"Yes."

Your hands carefully move, undoing some of his shirt buttons and then you open his belt. That alone makes him exhale so sharply you’d think he might explode right under you.  

"That bad?" You slide his jacket off that he let you borrow against the cold,  when your eyes meet all he can do is nod. What a desperate man, for someone who beats in monsters and stomps them until they die he truly looks scared to his very core right now.  

After the belt is undone your fingers open the button on his jeans and then finally the zipper. A soft pull and the jeans rest on his mid thigh. 

That bulge in his underwear makes your throat dry, that familiar sense of lust creeping into every fiber of your body. 

Your hand cups his bulge and his body squirms underneath you. 

"Fuck.." You sigh. 

"Long and thick just how I love it" You whisper. 

His hands grab your hips and that silent plea on his lips makes you squirm in return. 

You lean in closer, breath ghosting over his cheek. 

"Violate me..." You whisper. Not just a voice, a sound in his head. This time those words really left your lips. 

Just as you were about to pull him out of his underwear he moved.

He takes your body with a brutal grip and moves you like you weigh nothing to him, throwing your back onto the couch. Moving himself between your legs. 

It's a mixture of pulling fabrics out of the way but without a warning you feel your underwear pulled to the side and the head of his large cock presses against you. 

Its teeth gritting when he tries to push into your body like this. 

And when his entire length is finally all the way inside you you cry out. 

Pleasure and pain mix, his breathing didn't calm down one bit.

He doesn't give you time to adjust, he just moves, a rough and rather dry thrust after another. 

But you don't complain. You don't cry. You just take his hand and put it around your throat yourself. 

His breathing catches you off guard. 

He sounds so pathetic. 

So insanely desperate... He really didn't do this in a long time. His hand slowly squeezes the sides of your neck, you wonder how this feels for him, what he's thinking about. 

It's not a surprise that he doesn't kiss you, doesn't touch your body. It's a simple act, it's just about getting off and nothing else. 

When your vision turns into a calm blurr you can feel his fingers ease in their grip. Blood rushes back into your head and your legs wrap around his waist, you like him desperate like this.The sound in his rough moans, his lungs huffing and grunting. Groaning. Such deeply out of breath moans..

It also doesn't bother you that he isn't even looking into your eyes, he doesn't want this type of intimacy right now, he just wants to get off. 

And so do you. So your fingers move on their own, rubbing two into your sensitive clit. The feeling causes a hard clench around him but you're not quite there yet.

His thrusts are insanely strong, you can see this barrier he had built up slowly break and fall into pieces. This pleasure he kept himself from for so long. 

You keep the pace of harshly rubbing your clit while he uses your body like a toy. 

You bring yourself over the edge and that sweet ecstatic burst of happiness mixes with the pain between your legs. It's rough and it's a bit raw but you wouldn't have it any other way. 

You clench strongly around him which doesn't go unnoticed by James, his head slowly lifts and he meets yours eyes just for a second. Just until he squeezes his eyes shut again, reapplies the pressure around your throat and then he cums himself. 

He takes such a long time until he's really all out, spent, until that last voice cracked pathetic moan leaves his lips. 

He finally gave up, and defeat looks so fucking pretty on him. 

He lets go of your throat, taking a moment to calm himself down. Then he carefully pulls himself out of your body, taking a good look at what he's done before his fingers let the piece of underwear on you slide back in its right place. 

The Red hand print around your throat, the torn fabric of the pantyhose, the thin underwear doing little to mask the mess behind it. The look on your face.

"I'm sorry." He tries to hold it together, putting himself away and closing his pants with shaky hands again. 

"I'm so sorry...." He whispers with closed eyes.

But that apology isn't for you. 

He's apologizing to his dead wife for giving in for the first time in god only knows how many years. Sleeping with another woman. 

There wasn't an ounce of passion in this. Normally that doesn't bother you but right now? Of course you are fine with it being rough and quick and meaning nothing but.. you like him a little, you don't hate his guts. Any soft touch would have been okay, even a short and sweet one. 

You slowly sit up, rubbing your neck and trying to figure out what you'll do with the dirty underwear and without the pantyhose now.

This felt really really cold. But it's also your comfort, you don't mind it. You'll live. Will he though?

"Will you manage?" You ask carefully. 

"I don't know" He slowly opens his eyes again, still struggling to look into yours.

____

Hey thanks for reading.

To be continued ! :)

Show some Love on AO3 If u like

[giamee]

𝐎𝐍𝐋𝐘 𝐘𝐎𝐔!

ཐི♡ཋྀ featuring -> blade, gepard

ཐི♡ཋྀ contains -> mentions of depression/low mood, more blade bias teehee

ཐི♡ཋྀ gia's notes -> i kinda based these off of my own experiences with depression, so hopefully it's at least a little relatable. i tried not to romanticise it too much. also disclaimer i am fully aware that the stuff i talk about in here isn't a cure-all for depression, but i did focus on a less severe characterisation of it in this. hope that's ok anon

ཐི♡ཋྀ request -> anon: hi!!! really loved your roommate thing for har, literally makes me smile may i request blade or/and gerard with reader who got depression? even if you don’t like the idea it’s fine, hope you have great time <3

☆⋆｡𖦹°‧★ BLADE

-hm ok to be honest blade seems rather emotionally repressed

-so it may take a while for him to pick up on signs of you starting to get into a depressive episode

-he’s busy with being a  stellaron hunter, and he isn’t exactly the most frequent texter, but he’ll still notice a change in your texting style as the time between your replies increases while the length of them keeps getting shorter

-maybe you were busy? even though it may sting a little to see his last message still unanswered as he’s holed up somewhere on another planet, he still can’t help but worry for you, though he may not outwardly admit it

-and that spurs him on to finish elio’s mission for him even quicker so he can get back home to you

-when he returns, he may be a bit confused due to your seeming apathy

-he had missed you, and he didn’t want to be the one to cave and say it out loud

-but at your mustered smile and hollow sounding greeting, that’s when things start to click and blade may realise what’s going on

-personally i feel like blade’s love language is acts of service/physical touch

-and man’s just come back from a mission

-he’s dirty, he’s hungry, and he’s tired

-so he decides to deal with those issues with you in that exact order

-cue him running a bath and then convincing you to get in with him on the ground of him “getting lonely” without anyone there, making you crack a little smile at his antics

-the warmth of the water and his solid chest against your back is a soothing sensation, and neither of you voice how tender his touches are as he lathers your hair, fingers carefully detangling any knots as he rests his weight against you

-it’s a peaceful affair, and you can feel yourself begin to warm, with the weight that you previously weren’t even aware of beginning to lift off of your chest as you filled the silence of the bathroom with some hushed conversation with blade

-he asks you how your day was, listening to your hesitant recollection with his chin is tucked over your shoulder, his arms encircling you as he listens to your voice and hums occasionally, basking in your presence

-when the water begins to run cold, blade’s offering you his clothes to change into, leading you by the hand to your shared bedroom, and it’s touching to see just how much care he puts into your wellbeing when it’s him who’s just come back from a dangerous mission

-up next is finding something to eat

-the uncharacteristically soft behaviour of blade is continued as he rummages around the fridge, cursing under his breath when he realises that he'll have to make a shopping list

-he still manages to find enough ingredients to make some sort of meal, and though he's not a cook by any means, it's definitely edible and the distant growl of your stomach suggests that maybe you were feeling hungry after all

-you're leaning against one of the counters, watching your boyfriend's back in quiet awe as he continues to cook, the simple black cotton of his shirt stretching across his broad shoulders practically inviting you to wrap your arms around him

-you've never been one to resist such an offer, and you find yourself shyly walking up to him, letting the side of your face rest against his spine

-blade almost immediately relaxes into your embrace, continuing his ministrations while you mumble a muffled "thank you" into the fabric covering his back

-you don't need to clarify what you're thankful for, and blade has always been one to speak more through his actuons than words

-he pauses for a second, turning to flick your forehead gently

-"don't get all soft on me now"

-you feel your eyes well up with appreciation for your boyfriend, squeezing him a little tighter to yourself as he turns back around, feeling his hand do the same to yours where it rests on his stomach

-"yeah, yeah. now let's eat, hmm?"

☆⋆｡𖦹°‧★ GEPARD

-another emotionally repressed king 😍

-i feel like in terms of noticing that something's up with you he would be worse than blade

-mr landau is a bit of a workaholic, and he's guilty of using it as a coping mechanism when he can feel himself start to slip

-he will run off of denial and caffeine and just force himself to keep working, resulting in a general lack of awareness in spotting when he or others are struggling

-so really, the dots that he should connect with how you've been acting recently take a little longer than they should be

-he's mentioning to serval how you seem to be the polar opposite of him recently, acting a lot more withdrawn and apathetic in general

-and serval is just blinking at him and wondering how dense her younger brother can be

-reprimands him and tells him that this is a conversation he should be having with you, and not her

-and with a little guidance, gepard is sat in front of you and asking if anything's wrong and if so what he can do to help

-and initially, you're not really sure yourself

-you know that you don't feel the same as usual, but you tend to just go with the motions and wait it out

-and gepard furrows his brows when he hears this

-poor guy has no idea how to handle this without direction

-so he does some research and makes some notes on ways he can help you because he loves you

-and next thing you know his late working hours and overtime have turned into getting home before the sun goes down

-resulting in him having enough energy to do something with you and spend some quality time together, whether that be a date night in or just cooking a meal together

-and funnily enough, gepard notices not only a slight improvement in your overall mood, but in his as well

-with all those tips and tricks of maintaining a routine, he was glad to see your shared efforts come into fruition

-he almost felt his heart combust when you told him that being around him makes you feel better

-man is whipped he will walk the ends of the earth just to see you happy

𓏲 ࣪₊♡𓂃 IF YOU LIKED THIS, TRY: fade into you!

honkai star rail masterlist ૮ • ﻌ - ა

[maiikawriter]

For @rinweek2023 Day 4, Rin’s Birthday

Words: 803

Pairing: Kakashi/Obito/Rin

Rating: G

Title: Migraine

Rin wakes to the sensation of an elephant sitting heavy and immovable on her head. Rolling into her pillow does nothing to abate the crushing sensation, even though gravity now defies that possibility. She groans. She knows what this means, especially when her stomach gives its two cents with a sudden lurch.

“Happy birthday to y–”

“Not now.” Rin shakes her head, rubbing her pounding forehead into her pillow, praying to everything that is holy that Obito will listen to her and immediately cease the birthday singing.

“Ha—Rin?” Obito plops down beside her.

The mattress shifts under his weight, tilting Rin so her head lifts from the meager sanctuary of her pillow. Obito’s hand is there immediately, warm and merciful against her skin, cupping around her forehead.

Rin whimpers and squeezes her eyes shut.

“Oh, no!”

“Too loud, too loud,” Rin whispers.

“Not on your birthday.” Obito massages Rin’s forehead before kissing her cheek.

“Here,” Kakashi’s voice calls from across the room.

Rin doesn’t have to open her eyes to know when Kakashi crosses the room to meet them. She can smell the soap and water on his skin, pungent and fresh as he draws close. Her senses are always sharp when she’s in this state. Too sharp for her liking.

“Kakashi,” Obito whispers, though, adorably, he’s still too harsh in Rin’s ear, “Rin’s having a migr–”

“I know what she’s having,” Kakashi huffs before cupping his hand around Rin’s and depositing a small pill into her palm. “Why do you think I brought this?”

“Water?” Rin requests.

Kakashi curves calloused fingers around the knuckles of Rin’s other hand and guides her palm to the cold, smooth kiss of glass. “Of course. You’ll have to sit up.”

“Come on, Babe,” Obito says, hoisting Rin gingerly by the shoulders.

Even with her boyfriends’ help, moving doesn’t come easy. Rin wants to curl into a ball, to cover herself in heavy blankets and darkness until all sensation fades away. But she knows doing that won’t be enough. She’s better off taking her medicine early. Maybe, if she’s caught it soon enough, she can beat this thing and salvage some of her birthday.

“Kakashi,” Obito says with a loaded message in his voice that literally goes over Rin’s head as she tosses back the pill and swallows it with a gulp of water. “You know this means we’ll have to cancel the–”

“What do you need from us, Rin?” Kakashi’s voice is also loaded with many words unspoken between Rin’s boyfriend.

She’s grateful for the silence of their conversation. She’s grateful for the gentleness with which Obito lies her back down and tucks the blanket up to her chin. She is so grateful for the softness of his kiss as his lips caress the side of her neck.

Rin leans into Obito and hums. “More of that. Kakashi, get in here.”

“Are you sure?”

“Don’t question her, Kakashi,” Obito chides softly. “It’s Rin’s birthday. We’ll do whatever she wants.”

Rin shivers, recalling birthdays past where Obito had spoken those exact words when Rin felt well enough to use the bed for more fruitful purposes than being nursed. Now, as Kakashi slides beneath the covers beside her, Rin can only appreciate her boyfriends’ bodies for the soothing heat they can provide her. It feels like every inch of her skin is tainted, vibrating with pain—until their physical contact dulls those horrid sensations.

“Hey,” Kakashi whispers softly against the shell of Rin’s ear, “we’re here. We’ll spend the whole day here if you want.”

“I’m sorry,” Rin says, cringing as it occurs to her that there exists a world beyond this bedroom. “You two probably planned something so…so thoughtful.”

“We can still be thoughtful now,” Kakashi says, winding his arms around Rin’s waist and hugging her close. “Don’t apologize to us.”

“It’s probably our fault you have a migraine in the first place,” Obito says.

“Speak for yourself, Loudmouth,” Kakashi says.

“Kakashi,” Rin scolds.

Kakashi rolls his eyes. “Maybe I shouldn’t have poured you that wine.”

“Maybe?” Obito snorts.

“Both of you,” Rin says, wrapping her arms around her boys and drawing them into her. “Quiet.”

“Right,” Obito says, “quiet.”

“Sorry, Rin,” Kakashi says, snuggling his cheek into her. “Happy birthday.”

“We love you,” Obito says before planting a soft kiss on Rin’s shoulder.

The love she feels between them is a palpable, savory thing. Rin sighs into her pillow, accepting the lovers on either side of her as her shields against the world until this untimely migraine will pass. Eventually, the sensations around her will come with less pain, and then she’ll gladly welcome them. She’ll be happy to explore the world outside with her boys, to celebrate her birthday belatedly once she’s feeling like herself again. For now, this is the happiest she can be on her birthday.

This is more than she could ever want.

[daydreamgoddess14]

Aspirations pt. 6 - The Finale!

Sydcarmy Masterlist

Aspirations previous chapters: CH 1 | CH 2 | CH 3 | CH 4 | CH 5

Full Masterlist

Here we go, it's the end 😥 I hope this chapter wraps everything up for you and you enjoy it. I've had an absolute ball writing this - loved every second! Thank you so much for reading, commenting, sending the sweetest messages - you guys are AMAZING! 😘

We switch it over to Carmy's POV and there is also some smut in this here chapter 🔥

I listened to a couple of songs in particular when I wrote this chapter - Hozier Take Me to Church just had me picturing Carmy worshiping Syd for like, the rest of his damn life, and Taylor Swift Dress - in particular the bridge:

There is an indentation in the shape of you

Made your mark on me, a golden tattoo

All of this silence and patience

Pining and anticipation

My hands are shaking from holding back from you

Anyway, enough talking. Fingers crossed I stuck the landing with this 9k (wtf?!) final chapter! 💜

~~~~~~~~

From the moment she stepped into his office and asked what he was doing in Chicago, he knew he was in trouble. She'd painstakingly won over every member of the crew one by one, called him out on his bullshit and helped build The Bear up from literal rubble. She'd stabbed Richie and then become one of his closest friends within the space of 6 months, she'd been a source of support for Nat, and she'd raised up Tina and Marcus in particular. In short, he had no idea how he'd gotten to this point of his life without her in his corner, but he knew now that he couldn't live without her. She was his constant, his north star, his fucking guiding light. He could acknowledge that to himself right away, but it took those final days before opening for him to realize that Syd was also pure love. Real, raw and honest. Not some dreamlike, fictional, glossed over version, but messy and sometimes very fucked up. The last thing he'd wanted to do was destroy it, so he'd taken what he'd thought was the safest path - to hold it at arm's length and protect it. Protect her. 

“I thought… I thought we could get over what you said in the walk-in. I thought I could be the one to show you that you can have the things you talked about. That damn restaurant doesn’t have to run you into the ground - you can have a life as well, you know?” He didn’t say anything, looked at his hands and tried to find the words to apologize.

“The restaurant is my life, Claire. It was never fair for me to expect you to put up with that. I promise I never intended to make you second best, you deserve so much fucking more than that. But I can’t be the one to give it to you. I’ve got too much shit going on and I can’t drag you into it.” 

“So you’re finally calling it?” She sighed. He nodded,

“I’m sorry.”

“Me too, Carmen. I don’t know what you think you deserve or what you're looking for… but for what it’s worth I do hope you find it. Don’t end up like Mikey.” He studied his hands, he could make out a faint crescent shape on his palm, in the soft pad under his thumb, from where Syd had gripped his hand with her own last night in the kitchen. Their kitchen. He had a faint bite mark on his shoulder as well, a small bruise. He wondered vaguely if she had similar marks.

“I’m sorry, Claire.”

He felt like a weight had been lifted. Not from breaking things off with Claire, although that was certainly the catalyst, but from the weight of expectation. He’d gone from the restaurant to take Syd home, where they’d shyly said goodbye. He’d then gone home and slept for all of three hours before deep cleaning his apartment. He was on Claire’s doorstep with coffee before 9am and in Natalie’s kitchen by 11am. 

“I broke it off with Claire.” He said quietly, taking the bottle of milk and checking the temperature on the back of his hand.

“I know.”

“Did she call you already?” Satisfied with the temperature, he leaned Mikey back and put the silicone teat to his mouth.

“No honey, I just know. Sit him up a little more, it might take him a minute to settle - breastfed babies don’t always take to bottles, so sometimes he needs a little bit of encouragement. That’s it, perfect.” She guided his elbow into a more comfortable position and watched with pride as Mikey fed. 

“Aren’t you going to ask why?”

“No. I want you to want to tell me.” She put her feet up next to his on the coffee table. “Y’know, it’s not the best time to learn shit - immediately after having a baby. Hormones, lack of sleep, you’re bleeding like a fucking murder victim… but they just kick you right out of that hospital and say ‘see ya later’ and you’re expected to know how to breastfeed them, how to burp them, change them, understand their every need… it’s fucked up. And no one mothers the mother, y’know?”

“You have a Pete.”

“I do have a Pete, and he is incredible. Gets right in there with the shit and the vomit.” She laughed, “It’s not Mikey’s job to teach me those things. It’s not his responsibility to be a ‘good’ baby, whatever the fuck that means. His job is just ‘baby’.”

“Where’re you going with this, Nat?”

“You don’t call me Sugar anymore.” She stated.

“No. I try not to.”

“Why?”

“I guess I don’t want you to feel put down. It’s not a nice nickname, it didn’t come from a nice place.”

“No. It was a way of belittling me. It was another way for mom to make me feel shitty about myself. And you recognizing that, Carmy? Tells me you’re on the right path. Sit him up and put your hand under his chin, now rub his back.” He did as he was told, waiting for her to continue. “I… I’ve realized a lot in the last few months. Pretty much since mom didn’t show up to Family Night?”

“Oh yeah?” Mikey let out a loud burp, making them both smile.

“I’m not responsible for her, I never was. We didn’t fail her as kids, she failed us as a mother, Carmen. She was emotionally manipulative, she didn’t always care for us properly and now as adults, we are fucked up because of her.” Carmy turned to look at Nat, expecting tears, but she looked at peace. “I have had to work really hard to unlearn some of the stuff I thought was right but really isn’t.” She turned her full body to address him properly, “Claire told me what you said when you were in the walk-in? I didn’t get it word for word, but something about not needing to give or receive amusement or enjoyment?” Mikey balled his little fists as he finished the bottle, Carmy sat him back up for another burp under Nat’s watchful eye. She nodded as he put his hand under the baby’s chin to help him.

“Yeah, I said some pretty dark shit.”

“It’s not true. You do need to receive those things - that’s what makes a life, Carmy. And just because you feel like you didn’t deserve to get those things from Claire, or want to give them to her, doesn’t mean you don’t already provide them unintentionally. You do it for everyone who works for us, our friends. For Richie, for Syd, for Mikey… I think you need to think about the difference between doing something intentionally and unintentionally. They’re not a party piece or a grand gesture. They’re supposed to be as natural as breathing. So when you buy Richie a pack of smokes cos you know he’s about to run out, when you give Tina a random night off just cos she looks a bit tired?”

“That’s just… it’s -”

“It’s love, Carmy. It’s love. And if you found it hard with Claire, if it didn’t come easily, then it’s not because you’re a disgustingly horrible human being! It’s simply because you don’t love her. You can’t force that feeling. It’ll destroy you.” He felt her eyes on him, watching him as he put the baby on his legs so he could sit up and face them both. “I love you, Carmy. You have got to stop being your own worst enemy and actually let us love you.” Mikey gurgled and held up a little fist, “or this kid is gonna kick your ass.” She teased, Mikey giggled.

“You’re right.”

“I know I am. You gonna stay for lunch?” She asked, getting up and clearing their coffee cups.

“Yeah. Yo, Nat?” She turned back to look at him, “I love you too.”

*

On Monday, with Nat’s words still ringing in his ear, Carmy made his way through the front of the restaurant and locked the door behind him. He could see through the window to the kitchen immediately, Syd was at one of the stations with her back to the window, swaying on the spot and… singing?

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy - no, no Chef, that’s Auntie Syd’s knife and your mama would fucking kill me if you touch it. I’ll teach you when you’re a little older - when skies are gray. You’ll never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don’t take - please don’t take the broccoli, you are just like your Uncle Carmy, do you know that? - Please don’t take my sunshine away.” She turned and he could see that she had Mikey in a baby carrier strapped to her chest and facing outwards, “You’re too cute. Oh! Happy smile! You like being called a cutie, huh? Well, it won’t last forever so take it while you can buddy. Although, Jesus kid, if you keep those baby blues then we’re all doomed. Trust me, I was totally fucking gone the day I stepped into this place.” He watched her wipe down where she’d been chopping vegetables and put the knife away. She moved out of sight but came back with a small cup of flour which she sprinkled onto the work surface, “there you go baby Bear, shall we draw in the flour? Shall we make a chef outta you when you're older? Just like Uncle Carmy and Uncle Mikey. That’s right! You like Uncle Carmy, huh? Me too, Chef, high five!” The baby babbled and waved his hands wildly in the flour, covering them both in fine powder, “I didn’t know Uncle Mikey, but I promise mama and Uncle Carmy will tell you all about him. Hey, Chef, we don’t put our hands in our mouth when we’re working, ok? It’s gross. For other people, I mean.” She pulled a towel from her apron and wiped his hands and mouth. Her voice dropped a little and she spoke so quietly he couldn’t hear her for a few minutes, but he stayed near the door, watching her brush flour out of Mikey’s curls and clearing up their mess. “... and when you’re 16 you can come and work here with me and Uncle Carmy and we’ll teach you everything. You’ll get so good when he teaches you. And then when you’re bigger you can go with Marcus to wherever Luca is and learn pastry.” He cried out a little, “I know, I know. I feel the same about pastry, Chef, but you gotta learn the whole thing if you’re gonna be as good as Uncle Carm, right? Shall we get you one of those bullshit fuckin’ stars? Yeah? Baby Berzatto, the youngest Michelin star holder in the whole fuckin’ world?” She twirled on the spot as he giggled. He felt his breath catch in his throat as he watched her moving around the kitchen, getting ingredients out and putting them in the correct sections, checking off the list on what needed to be done and when. So busy, and yet taking time with his nephew with such care and love. He was blown away initially, but instantly remembered what he’d said to her under the table at Family night, 

“You love taking care of people.” He pushed through the swing door and she looked up with a smile, 

“Hey Mikey, look! Uncle Carm’s here.” She said brightly, ignoring his statement. Mikey kicked his legs in free air from his carrier and waved his chubby arms around. “Is it me or does he, like, age so much so quickly?”

“He rolled over yesterday,” Carmy told her with a smile,

“Fuck off, no way?!”

“For real. And uhh, I think I just unlocked a new favorite kitchen memory.” She looked up sharply, a shy smile breaking out across her face.

“Hmm. Well at least this one is family friendly.” She retorted.

“Ahh yeah. Think I’ll keep the other one quiet. Where’s Nat?”

“Just running a couple of errands. I said I’d watch Mikey so she could get them done quicker. I was here early.”

“Trouble sleeping?”

“Something like that.”

“Heard. Can we talk later?”

“Sure. We’ll find some time.”

“Ok, good. Can I take him, is that ok?”

“God, please do, he’s heavy!” She put a hand on Mikey’s belly and unclipped one of the straps so that Carmy could lift him up and out of the carrier, then she unclipped the whole thing and went to hang it up in the office.

“So you’re gonna coach him to a star, huh?”

“How much did you hear?” She asked warily. He waved a hand, brushing off her embarrassment,

“Just the star.”

“Good. I’m taking advantage of being able to talk shit about you while he doesn’t understand.” She teased. He didn’t call her out on the lie. Nat came back and the others started to arrive. Mikey was happily passed around various sections all morning while Nat worked. Carmy took him through to the office just as she was packing her bag,

“Ready to take him back?”

“For sure, I’ve missed him! Hi sweetheart - have you had fun with your kitchen family out there?!” She cooed. “You ok, how’re you feeling today?” She asked Carmy.

“Yeah, I’m good. Been thinking about everything you said yesterday. I’m gonna just… soak this in a little, I guess?” He gestured out to the kitchen where there was happy chatter. Tina was telling a dirty joke, and as the punchline landed, he heard Syd and Richie’s roars of laughter.

“I think that’s a very good idea. Be with the ones you love, Carm and for fucksake let us love you back.”

“Yes, Chef.” He smiled.

“It’s not a cure to being a better person, but it’s a start.”

“Yeah, you’re right. I’m… I’m really… it’s good to get back to this, right?” He pointed between them both,

“Getting along? Yeah, Carm. It’s good.” She put the baby into the carseat and stood to hug him tightly. “I love you.” She whispered.

*

“It’s fucking freezing out here.” Syd complained, he could see her pulling her jacket tighter around her, trying to shrink into it further. Underneath, she’d pulled on his sweater - yet again - and Richie’s gloves which were miles too big for her hands.

“Next time, I’ll find somewhere warm for us to talk?” He teased,

“That’d be ideal, thanks. So what’s up?”

“Just thought we should… y’know, check in?”

“After Saturday night?”

“Yeah. You ok?”

“Well, it’s a little weird. And totally fucked up. But I don’t want to go back to barely speaking to you. Like, I’ll put up with this insane awkwardness just so I don’t have to avoid you.”

“I hated when you avoided me.”

“Me too.” She said, studying the broken glass shards mingling with the concrete on the ground.

“I broke up with Claire.” She didn’t look up, but he saw her eyes widen a little.

“Oh. How’d it go?”

“About as well as you’d expect.”

“Yeah.” She breathed, puffs of air visible. They fell silent again. 

“And I had a really good talk with Nat. About, like, fuckin’ parental trauma and all that shit and how it effects us as we get older? It’s fucked up.”

“It is. I’ve talked to her about it before as well.” He looked up, surprised, “You weren’t talking to her. Not really. Or not listening, at least. She just wanted to feel heard.” He nodded, 

“I just… I want you to know that I want to be a better person. I know I’ve said it a million fucking times, I was always trying to do it for someone else though? I thought I should be doing it for you or Nat, but I should be doing it for myself.”

“You can’t be better for us if you’re not doing it for yourself. My dad’s sister always said you can’t pour from an empty cup.” She mused. 

“How do you do it?” He asked, curiously.

“I listen to my heart. Figure out what it needs. I watch movies with my dad, I laugh with my friends in there,” she pointed into the restaurant, “I cook for them. I cook for you or Nat or my dad. I hang out with Mikey. I watch you cook. I let my family look after me and love me when I need it. Like you said, I love taking care of people, but it’s nice to have it returned.”

“You’re too fuckin’ smart for this place.”

“Fuck off,” she pushed his shoulder, 

"You watch me cook?"

"Yeah, I do. It's… therapeutic. Oh, and if you think that just because you broke up with Claire I’m gonna jump -”

“I would never expect that. Never. Let’s just… get back to where we were and then see what happens?” He suggested, taking her hand. She nodded,

“Great idea, Chef.” He kissed her palm and listened to Tina singing from the kitchen.

*

Carmy could tell Richie was about to hit the roof. He bounced on his heels and fidgeted for the last hour of service but everytime someone asked, he’d give them the brush off. 

“Chef, could you tell Richie to take a step back please?” Syd sighed, rolling her eyes at Richie who was standing so closely behind her she could hardly use her knife. Carmy laughed,

“C’mon cousin, back it up. Whatever it is, why don’t you just tell us?”

“Can’t, we need to wait til we’re closed.” 

“Well then get the fuck outta our kitchen and encourage people to finish up?” Carmy smiled at Syd’s use of our kitchen.

“Fine, fine but you guys wait. You just fuckin’ wait.” 

“Can I have another 3 duck and 2 sirloin please?”

“Yes, Chef.” The crew chimed back to him. Tina brought the plum sauce over for him to try,

“Needs something, Syd, check this?” He handed her a spoon,

“Half a teaspoon of the winter spice mix.”

“Exactly. Thank you. Tina, you ok with that, Chef?”

“Sure thing Jeff.”

“Let it incorporate for another five minutes, we’ve got time.”

“Make it eight minutes, Chef? My dauphinoise are fucked.” Syd asked, shooting her potatoes a look of disdain.

“Heard Chef. Eight minutes, Chefs.” He looked over at Syd, “Yo, you good?”

“Yeah, too much garlic.”

“No such thing!” At least three people replied, including Carmy.

“I’ll save it for you then, Chef.” She smiled at him over the pass. Richie bounced back and forth with plates and information until he was finally able to lock the front door. He burst back into the kitchen as Syd and Carmy were sharing the extra garlicky dauphinoise.

“Here we go.” Carmy murmured, receiving an elbow to the ribs.

“What you got for us Richie?” She asked, pointedly ignoring Carmy.

“Would you like to hear a review?”

“From?”

“A Mrs Beata Jerimovich, my wonderful grandmother -” Carmy threw a towel at his head, 

“Fuckin’ dipshit.”

“Kidding, kidding. It’s only the motherfuckin’ Food and Beverage Magazine!” There were whoops and cheers all round, but next to him, he felt Syd tremble. He discreetly brushed her little finger with his own and heard her sigh softly. “Ahem!” Richie cleared his throat, “The Bear, Chicago…” he held them in suspense, Marcus beat a drumroll on the counter while Tina bellowed at Richie,

“Richie, fuckin’ tell us, pendejo!”

“Five. Fuckin’. Stars. Chefs!” They were euphoric. Manny and Angel banged pots together, Tina wrapped her arms around Syd and Richie hugged Carmy. As soon as he saw Tina let go of her, he first reached out for the shorter woman who patted his cheek, and then for Syd. He counted down from 10 in his head so as not to hold onto her for too long. He made every second count. His senses clambered to be reminded of the softness of her skin, the fullness of her lips, how perfectly her body fit against his. He felt rather than heard the faintest moan drag from her body as his lips grazed her earlobe, and then he reluctantly let her go. “If you’ll allow me to read some of it to you, Chefs?” Carmy leaned back on the counter and felt Syd do the same next to him, innocently close to those around them but the smallest amount closer than she had been standing before. He let his arm rest against hers and let their knees knock gently together as Richie spoke. “I had the wonderful experience of dining at The Bear around a month ago, during the first week of their festive menu. It was a Saturday night and they had been fully booked for months… Hey, wasn’t that the weekend of bad dates? Fish guy is still salty that he can’t get a date around here anymore.” Carmy locked eyes with Syd, she bit her lip to hide her small smile. 

“Good, I’m sure he’s working on a wonderful relationship with his right hand.” She pointed out to sniggers.

“Hey, I object to that.”

“Gross Richie, carry on please?”

“Ok, ok. I tried the spiced pumpkin soup with plaice, the scallop ceviche, the duck in plum sauce and blah blah blah, those are the new dishes, looks like they tried everything though, man. Ok, here we go, here we go - the food was nothing short of miraculous. Every element and ingredient held its own, the service was personal and impeccable, the atmosphere was joyous.” He paused for long enough for the squeals of delight to die down, struggling to be heard, “Exec Chef, Carmen Berzatto - formerly of Noma and The French Laundry - and his partner, CDC Sydney Adamu, have created close to perfection. Whatever their secret is, may they hold onto it. I am already booked back for another visit, my only disappointment is that I have to wait 6 months for it! If they aren’t already looking at this spectacular place for recognition in March, the Michelin guide needs to get it on their list very quickly. A star certainly cannot be too far out of reach.” Richie’s voice quivered with emotion, “It goes on and on… that’s us, man. This is talkin’ about us.” He said, holding the magazine aloft. “I fuckin’ love you guys.” Syd pushed herself off the counter and into his arms. He leaned down to rest his forehead against hers, “you did that, Chef. You fuckin’ did that.” He said to her, “fuckin’ love you Syd.” There was another mass movement of people clinging to each other. Carmy noticed Syd slip into the walk-in once Richie had let her go. He got caught up with Ebra and Marcus before he could get there,

“You good, Chef?” She was leaning against the back wall with her head in her hands, she nodded without moving them, “in front.” He whispered once he was standing directly in front of her, not wanting to startle her. She threw her arms around his neck, he could feel her tears in the neckline of his jacket and wrapped his arms around her tightly. 

“Thank you.” She said, her warm breath against his collar. He laughed,

“No, this is all you, baby. All you.” She pulled away from him, allowing him space which he used to wipe the tears from her cheeks. “C’mon, Tina’s looking for you.” He told her, knowing there were too many eyes outside for them to be alone. She went for the door handle but it was pulled from her reach and Richie joined them,

“I’m only in here so that when you both leave, it doesn’t look like you’ve been makin’ out in here, ok?”

“Richie, I came in here so I didn’t cry in front of everyone.” Syd told him, giving him a gentle shove.

“Seriously? Fuck me, I wish I’d been right first time. Syd, honey, I bawled my eyes out - they’re all cryin’ out there. No one cares!”

“Fuck, I’m not tellin’ em when we get Syd’s star. That’s on you, cuz.” Carmy pointed to Richie. 

“Can we stop talking about stars? And stop calling it mine?  I’m gonna hurl.”

“No, no hurling, we’re goin’ out. Tina wants shots and karaoke.”

“Oh fuck no. No shots.” Syd pushed between them to get out of the walk-in.

“It’s a yes to karaoke though, right?” Richie called out, following her. Clean down had never been so fast or willingly taken on, Manny turned up the radio and the atmosphere was electric. Anyone crossing the room was hindered by hugs along the way and no one seemed to want to let go of each other. Carmy looked out at the crew and for what felt like the first time in forever, didn’t mask his smile or hide his emotions. The door to the office was partially closed and he couldn’t see Syd so he knocked softly. He heard his sister’s voice via Facetime.

“I swear to god Syd, this is so exciting! Michelin are gonna come knocking. I can tell. They might have already been!”

“I hope they didn’t come before November, it’s gonna be that plum sauce that clinches it.” She smiled at Carmy as he came in and joined her on the screen, 

“Carmy! I’m so proud, I wish I could be there to celebrate with you all.”

“It’s just a review, Nat.”

“But it’s an incredible review, and that magazine is, like, insane! It’s a precursor to more, trust me.” He stood close to Syd, leaning down over her shoulder so they could both fit into the video call, his cheek almost pressed against hers. "This right here,” she held up Mikey, “100% of The Bear right in this call! Ok, you guys go have fun. I am so ridiculously proud of you both and I love you both so much.”

“Love you sis, see you later.” Syd smiled, Nat’s eyebrows raised a little as Carmy turned to look at her.

“Bye guys.” She hung up the call with a smile. 

“Sorry, I just thought she’d want to know and I knew they’d never let you escape. I’m amazed Tina has let you go.”

“Yeah, me too. She’s stronger than she looks.”

“Right?! It’s crazy! Are we done out there?” She stood from the desk,

“Yeah, we’re heading out now.”

“Ok, I’m on my way then.” She cocked her head towards the door, “C’mon. I suspect the first round is gonna be on us.”

“Did you just call Nat, sis?”

“Yeah,” she shook her head, “never underestimate the strength of female friendships, Carm.” She told him sagely, leaving him alone in the office.

*

The bar was hot and crowded, standard for a Saturday night. The karaoke was predictably awful, and Richie was wandering between the three booths they'd managed to grab trying to get people to sign up and sing. Carmy was grateful for the spare jeans and t-shirt he kept in his locker, and it turned out nearly everyone else kept some kind of 'to go' bag either at work or with them, ready for those magical evenings where they finished early, had a date after work or got 5 star reviews in one of the biggest hospitality industry magazines in the world. He was pinned into his booth by Ebra on one side and Neil on the other, both talking over the table to each other and leaving him stuck. Tina was talking Marcus into a duet and it looked like Gary, Manny and Angel were playing some obscure drinking game. Richie had an arm slung over Syd’s shoulder and pointed to the stage with his beer. The combination of humor and terror on her face as she tried to decline his offer of a song was currently making his night. He watched her pinch Richie's stomach and move out of his grip, laughing at him as she hopped into the seat next to Neil to get away. 

"Whatcha singin', CDC Sydney?" Fak asked.

"I'm not Fak, but Rich is desperate for a partner on Cruel Summer if you think you can handle it?"

"I can do that!" He exclaimed, "Syd, I can nail that bridge, I fuckin' hand to God… I'm gonna do it!" She moved to let him out and raised her beer to Richie in support of his new karaoke partner. He was about to take advantage of Syd sitting next to him when Ebra pulled him into a far-fetched story he'd probably heard a million times before. He stuck around long enough to listen to Tina and Marcus and Richie and Fak before leaving enough cash for another round and saying his goodbyes. He sat in the car for 10 minutes, phone in his hand, weighing up the pros and cons of texting Syd. He decided against it and put the car into gear, before a tap at the passenger side window stopped him. 

"You ok? I thought you left ages ago?" Syd asked with concern. 

"Uhh yeah, I was uhh… y’know what, jump in." She did and immediately put her hands to the air vents already pushing warm air through the car. 

"So, you were what?"

"Trying to decide whether to send you a message and see if you want to cook tomorrow." 

"I'd love to," she nodded, "at the restaurant?"

"Or my place? You could always…"

"Take the couch?"

"Yeah. Or I could." She glanced down at her phone, seemingly weighing up her own pros and cons. 

"OK, let's go." He made his way through the dark streets, finding a space a few meters from the main door of his building. He led the way up and unlocked the door, letting her in first so he could lock up behind her.

"You sure you wanna stay?"

"I'm sure. Yo, it looks great in here, Carm?"

"Thanks. I thought I should start making it feel a bit more like home, y'know? Cleared up, no more denim in the oven,"

"For real?" She asked, opening the door to check, "Fuck me, Carmy that's… that's good." He felt the blush bloom in his cheeks. Since he'd decided to deep clean the place over a month ago, the night before he ended things with Claire, he'd slowly been emptying boxes, hanging pictures and sorting through his cookbooks. "Dude, is that a fucking plant?" She asked, looking to the kitchen window.

"It's been alive for a whole month." Not just alive, it had been half dead when he'd brought it, so he'd actually brought it back from the brink.

"A better man, huh?'

"Trying." He offered with a shy shrug. "Beer?" 

"Please. Netflix?" She asked, loading up the cooking shows, 

"Yeah, there's one I haven't seen yet, Nadiya?"

"Oh, she's so great! You'll love it." She put the first episode on and clinked bottles with him as he sat next to her. "I need to watch Salt Fat Acid Heat." She muttered, he watched her add the note to her phone before crossing her legs and focusing on the screen. It didn't take long before he was reaching out for his sketchpad and looking around for a pen. She pulled one from the knot of her bun and handed it over without looking. 

"Rhubarb glaze." He stated. She moved to kneel next to him so she could look at his drawing. Her hand came to rest on his shoulder to keep herself from falling forwards. 

"In the spring? Change up the duck dish and serve it with something super fresh?" 

"Like a slaw." He suggested, she nodded slowly,

"Like a slaw." She didn't look away from the sketch, "Fuck. You really are so fucking good at this Carm." She said, barely above a whisper. 

"You make me better at it." He countered. She absentmindedly rubbed the cotton of his t-shirt between her thumb and index finger. He hesitated before reaching out to cup her cheek and turn her face towards his. She leaned into his palm. He watched her eyes close, a trembling breath on her lips as he leaned in to kiss her briefly. Her hand on his shoulder gave her some leverage to turn and straddle his lap. She stayed further back though, not bringing their bodies flush. She sat back on his knees, 

"I don't want to do this if -"

"You're not ready?" He finished.

"Me? I meant you. You've been doing so much better this last month. I don't want to fuck that up for you?"

"You couldn't."

"So you… we could…?"

"We could just take things easy and see what happens? Have some,"

"Fun? We could both stand to have some fun."

"Exactly. No pressure." His hands rested lightly on the top of her thighs. 

"No pressure." She repeated, sliding deeper into his lap until their chests were pressed together. He waited for her nod of agreement before kissing her again. She hummed with approval, her head tilting to slot against him perfectly. His tongue swept across her lower lip, demanding access which she willingly gave. His hands moved to squeeze her hips, and she let out a needy whimper he knew he’d spend the rest of the night trying to get from her again. He bit her lip lightly as she ground down against him. “Bed this time.” She mumbled against his neck, “please Carmy, now.” He could feel the reluctance radiate off her as she considered letting go of him long enough to stand so they could move. He stood quickly with her in his arms, making her squeal in surprise. They made it the handful of steps to his bedroom where he sat her on the edge of the bed and knelt between her knees. She was bathed in the streetlight from the window, but it wasn’t enough so he clicked on a small faint lamp at the bedside. He tugged the hem of her top up over her head and she lay back to unbutton her jeans and lift her hips to slide them off, he brushed her hands away and pulled the tight denim down her legs. He rose to climb over her on the bed and she moved further back into the center, reaching for his t-shirt. He unclipped her bra and pulled it off before covering her body with his own pressing kisses along her collarbone. He could feel her heart racing against his chest as he chased each breathy moan that fell from her lips. He kissed a hot path down her body, cataloging every noise she made. He took his time, savoring the way she responded to his touch,

“You’re so beautiful,” he marveled, grateful at last to have her where he could actually see her. He paused with his chin on her stomach to look up at her. She’d covered her face with one hand, suddenly bashful. He reached out to link their fingers, gently encouraging her to look at him, “this ok?” He felt her body shudder as her breath hitched, she nodded. “Need to hear you say it, baby.”

“Fuck you,” she huffed out a tiny laugh, “please, I want this. I want you.” 

“I need to taste you, Syd, please?” He hooked his fingers into the waistband of her underwear and slid them down her thighs. He nudged her knees further apart and looked back up at her, holding eye contact as he swept his tongue into her folds and circled her clit. Her back arched off the bed and he used his free hand to hold her still. It was akin to worship, every touch designed to bring her closer to the edge. He’d spent years learning the art of consistency and this was no different, he filed away every sigh, every grip of the sheets and every moan of his name. She practically wailed his name as she came, and he watched her come down, boneless from her first orgasm. He let her think he was done before he went back for more. By the time she was pulling him back up the bed to her, the need to have his skin against hers was sinful.

“Jesus fuck, Carmy,” she panted, reaching out to kiss him. He was painfully hard and he knew she could feel him against her. She tried to undo his jeans with shaking hands, giving up with a frustrated groan. He took over and pushed the denim off, giving her the opportunity to push him onto his back. “Condom?” She whispered, still breathless. She reached past him to the drawers by his bedside to grab one as he bit the underside of her breast. He took the condom from her and ripped it open, rolled her onto her back once more and pushed into her in long, slow strokes, his whole body weighted against hers. The closeness was both intense and intimate, and when he kissed her it felt so much like a promise it was almost overwhelming. He held her tightly, pressing her into the mattress as he fucked into her deliriously slowly, lewd noises filling the air. Her legs wrapped around him, holding him against her. He felt her walls flutter around him, she sighed his name as she came again,

“F-fuck, Syd,” he rasped, shuddering against her as he came. He moved just far enough off her so that he didn’t crush her as his arms gave out, his chest heaving.

“Oof,” she huffed as his weight pinned her to the bed. She ran her fingers through his hair and down his back as far as she could reach before gliding back up again. 

“Fuck, that was… wow.” His breath tickled her neck as he spoke,

“Yeah.”

“Should move.”

“Yeah, no, I can’t do that.” He mumbled an apology and moved off her completely, tying off the condom and throwing it to the bathroom. He pulled her to him as he got back into bed, asleep almost instantly.

He woke alone to the light streaming in from the windows, noting that their discarded clothes had been picked up and a damp towel hanging over the bathroom door. He pulled on boxers and a clean t-shirt and went through to find their beer bottles disposed of and the TV off. He vaguely recalled waking briefly in the night to the quiet sounds of a cooking show, but he’d been so warm and relaxed that he didn’t think to move and turn it off. Not that he’d have been able to with Syd buried into his side. He followed the sounds in the kitchen where she had her back to him, looking after whatever she was cooking. 

“Hey, mornin’” He said, voice still heavy with sleep. She turned with a shy smile, wearing his t-shirt from the previous night and little else.

“Hi, did I wake you?”

“No, no way. You making breakfast?”

“Thought I’d bring it to you in bed, but -”

“I can go back,” he joked. She turned back to the pan and cracked four eggs into it. He moved to stand behind her, hands on her hips and his head in the crook of her neck. “Shakshuka?” 

“Yeah. Imagine my surprise when I opened your fridge to find it fully stocked.” She laughed.

“Told ya, I’m trying.”

“I legit spent twenty minutes trying to decide what to make you.” She turned down the heat on the pan and twisted in his arms. “Did you sleep ok?” 

“Yeah, I think I might have figured out the secret.”

“To sleep?” He nodded, kissing along her jawline.

“You.” 

“Pfft, shut the fuck up.” He pulled them backwards so he could sit at one of the dining chairs, bringing her down into his lap with her legs either side of his. “Hmm don’t get any ideas, I don’t think this chair will survive.” It creaked under them as if in response as she squirmed in his lap.

“How long on breakfast?” He asked pulling the t-shirt over her head,

“Long enough.” She confirmed, reaching out to turn the stovetop off completely.

*

“Baby, you look all flushed, you good?” He heard Tina ask Syd as she finished off the canapes.

“Yeah T, just warm.”

“You look beautiful, don’t get anything down your dress!” She warned, Syd had tugged an apron over her dress but had left it untied. As she moved along the counter piping blinis with sour cream, the thigh split opened further. He turned away as Tina looked at him with a curious eye,

“I’m gonna unlock, Chef?” He asked,

“Ok, sure. I think we’re good.” She turned to the servers with a nod and took the apron off, throwing the piping bag into the sink. 

“Let’s party!” Tina beamed, leaving Syd to turn off the lights and join her in the restaurant.

Syd’s dad took another canape as the tray passed by them, Carmy shook his head as the server offered the tray to him as well. 

“These are incredible.” Her dad beamed,

“Aren’t they? She was working on them until about a minute before we opened the doors.”

“Sounds like Sydney.” He chuckled, “I’m sorry I didn’t get to meet you on Family night. It was a very special night.”

“Yes Sir, it was. I had some things to take care of in the kitchen though, so I didn’t spend any time out here. I'm sorry I missed you, it's good to meet you at last.”

“I guess that’s the trouble when you’re the one in charge, you don’t get to enjoy the spoils.”

“Fortunately I’ve got everything I need back there.” Carmy replied with a smile. They both watched Syd in a beautiful one-shoulder copper coloured dress as she crossed the room to speak to Tina’s family. She studiously avoided eye contact with either of them and instead got swept up with talking to Tina’s elderly mother. She dropped down onto her haunches to bring herself below eye level to the woman, and held her hands. He took in her taut calf muscles in her heels and the curve of her thigh as the dress pulled tightly. He was flooded with the memory of taking it off her earlier in the evening as she was trying to get ready, her hands swatting him away before pulling him back in. The reason they were late and the reason she was still in the kitchen as they opened. 

“She’s really something. I wish her mama could have seen her.”

“She is. You must be very proud.”

“I am. I hope you’re good to her?”

“I’m sorry?”

“She tells me she’s staying with friends two, three - sometimes even four nights a week. You and I both know that her closest friends are in this room right now, and I don’t think she’s singing lullabies to your nephew four nights a week.” He chuckled as the blush crept across Carmy’s face. “I may be an old man, but I’m not blind.” He put a hand on Carmy’s arm, “thank you for believing in her.”

Her laugh sounded around the room as she pushed back up to standing and turned to talk to Pete who’d lightly tapped her arm. She nodded at whatever he’d said and made her way back past them towards the kitchen. Her dad managed to catch her hand just before she stepped out of reach,

“Honey, Carmen and I were just talking about everything you’ve both achieved here. It’s tremendous.”

“Thanks Dad, I’ve just got to see Richie about something. Can I come back to you in a few minutes?”

“Take your time sweetheart. I’ll be right here.” He smiled, Marcus coming over to talk. Carmy managed to catch her eye briefly with a small smile. She made her way to Richie who was holding court near the center of the room. Christmas songs filled the air and he was once again forced to admit that Nat had been right - a less formal Christmas party for family and friends had been the right way to go. She took Richie’s arm, but he grabbed her hand instead and spun her around, twirling her under his arm and pulling her into some empty space to dance. She tried to pull away, laughing, but let him spin her a couple of times and dip her before she could escape. With Syd’s dad in deep discussion with Marcus, Carmy went through to the kitchen to check what was left in the walk-in. The heavy door swung partially closed behind him and he heard the tap of Syd’s heels as she came through the swing doors not far behind him. He went to call out to her, but Nat’s voice spoke up.

“You can’t escape out here, Syd!” “I just need a minute, my feet are killing me. C’mon, gimme a break.” He could almost hear rather than see Nat roll her eyes.

“Fine, you can hold Mikey while I go to the bathroom before I feed him." Nat rushed past the walk-in to the staff bathroom. 

“What’s the time baby Bear? How long til I can be in Uncle Carm’s bed again, huh?” She muttered, bouncing the increasingly hungry baby. “Are you ready for bed too? Party animal.”

“I thought about a sitter but then I figured, it’s family night?” Nat said, coming back in and taking Mikey. “Oh, he should be here for sure.”

“You ok?” He heard Nat ask, softly. "You've barely stopped all night?" He could hear her settle Mikey and the baby fell silent.

“Yeah. If I tell you something can you promise not to lose your shit?”

“I can try?”

“So Carmy and I have been… hanging out. And it’s good, and I don’t want to push him too fast too soon on anything,”

“Wait, hanging out somewhere other than here?”

“Yeah. Like, his apartment… specifically.” Syd wrung her hand together, presumably waiting for Nat to catch up.

“Ok, so what’s new about that? Oh. Oh! Fuck! You guys are hanging out hanging out?”

“There we go. Yep, that’s what’s been happening.”

“Since when?!”

“About a month ago? Not long. Long enough?”

“So what’s the problem?”

“There isn’t one, I guess? I just… What if it all goes horribly wrong? What if this ruins everything? For all of us, I mean. It could ruin both of our careers, could kill this place? Everyone I love is in that room -” she paused, “I don’t want to push him, but I also kind of want to know how he sees all of this… ending up?”

“Syd, relax. I guarantee if you look into that room right now, he’ll be the happiest you’ve ever seen him,” Carmy frowned, hoping they didn’t actually look for him, “that’s because of this place. Because of you, honey.” 

“I guess…”

“I know. The good thing about doing this together, is that you’re in this together. Don’t stress, whatever happens happens. I mean, look at you! You’re the CDC of one of the hottest new restaurants, it’s your Christmas party and yet you’re in the kitchen in your dress and heels making sure everything is as it should be. There is nothing at all that you can’t do. You’re nothing short of incredible, you’re a force of nature Syd. If I had to bet on one thing, it’s that you have Carmen’s complete support in everything you do. I fucking love you.” He heard the shuffle of fabric, and from Syd’s muffled response, assumed they were hugging.

“Thank you, I love you too. Maybe you’re right.”

“I keep telling you both this, I’m always right. Now please, let’s go drink some more champagne and have some fun. You’re not wasting that dress in this kitchen. Jesus, I can't believe I didn't realise you're fucking my brother!” He heard the door swing and sighed, leaving the walk-in to go out back for a smoke.

*

“Cousin, yo, what’s goin’ on - you comin’ back in?” Richie stuck his head out a few minutes later, breaking the silence.

“Yeah man, I just needed to burn one.” He held one out for Richie who came to join him and let the door shut. “It’s goin’ ok, right?”

“Carm, it’s fuckin’ amazing. I am legit so fuckin’ proud of this place and everyone in it. You an’ Syd, man, you guys have made this place.”

“S’good you two get on now.”

“Aww she’s pretty great. Don’t fuckin’ tell her I told you.” He warned,

“I think she knows, dude. If it makes you feel any better, she was tellin’ me this morning that the nights you do expo are her favorite.”

“Fuckin’ knew it!” He laughed, then paused suddenly, “Wait, how’d you see her this morning?” Carmy felt Richie’s eyes scouring his face, widening in shock “No fuckin’ way, cuz!”

“I meant last night. Here. At work.”

“Bull fuckin’ shit. How long?”

“About a month. The night we got that review?”

“I mean, I thought you guys were eye fuckin’ over the pass, like, a little more than normal… but I did not expect that. Fuck, I owe Fak 20 bucks.”

“Great, thanks.” 

“Hey man, don’t be mad at me. Are you… I dunno, are you happy?”

“I think I might be, yeah. Feels fuckin’ weird.”

“I bet. And Syd? She good?”

“I think she’s happy, yeah.”

“You in love or what?”

“I think I might be, cuz. I just… how do I know if I'm ready? Like, what if we fuck this place up?”

“No one is every fuckin’ ready, man. Never. And what if you make this place even better?” Carmy let the thought sink in, “Like, separately you’re both freaky fuckin’ geniuses and together it’s, like, even better. I know you’ve been on that ‘self care bein’ better for yourself’ kick cos you feel like you don’t deserve her,” Carmy sighed, “but you complete each other, cuz. There’s no other fuckin’ way to say it.”

“Fuck me, Richie, you should get a fuckin’ talk show.”

“Fuck you. I’m bein’ nice to you for once in your damn life.”

“I know, I’m still in shock.” They nudged each other. “I should tell her, right?”

“Yeah man, you should tell her.”

“Thanks cousin. Hey, don't say anything to her, yeah? That you know? She’s really stressed and I don’t want to make it fuckin’ worse.”

“Nah man, my lips are sealed. Love you dude, we’re gonna build a fuckin’ empire here.” Richie grasped his shoulder and joined their foreheads.

“Heard, Chef. Let it fuckin’ rip.”

“Anything for you, cuz.”

*

Though Carmy was right behind Richie going back into the party, he wasn’t quick enough. He entered through the swing door just in time to see Richie smile graciously at Syd and her dad before taking her elbow and pulling her to one side. He leaned down to talk in her ear. Carmy saw the way her eyebrows flew up to her hairline and the panic that crossed her face as she tried to pull away from him. She caught his eye briefly as Richie leaned down again and continued to talk, as he did so, she visibly started to relax. 

“Your CDC is something fierce Carmy.” Uncle Jimmy said, handing him a beer. Carmy laughed,

“Yeah, she is pretty great.” They watched as Richie was joined by Nat and the baby, with Pete hovering beside them, Syd took the baby and held him to her like a human shield as they laughed together.

“I gave baby Mikey my 1% for a reason, you know?”

“Oh yeah?”

“This place, it’s 100% Berzatto. It has to be, Carmy.”

“Syd’s not a Berzatto, Unc,” Carmy raised his beer to his lips,

"Well yeah, not right now. But she will be. I could tell when you all came creeping for $500k. She matches your ethics, your outlook. She's your equal. I mean, look at her," They watch her with the family, with Richie and the team, with Nat and the baby, even with Pete. “She’s already a Berzatto. You might want to rescue her before they scare the shit outta her though?”

“Nah, she’s got it. She’s fuckin’ fearless. That’s why I love her,” he shrugged. Jimmy beamed, clapping him on the back,

“He’d be so proud of this, Carmen. He really would.”

“Thanks Uncle Jimmy.” He picked up a glass of wine from one of the trays and took it over to Syd who swapped him for the baby. “Can we try and get out of here for a sec?” He asked quietly. She nodded once and he passed Mikey to Pete. He followed her to the kitchen. Their kitchen. 

“So Richie knows?” She sighed,

“Is that a bad thing?”

“Nat knows as well,” she admitted, “I told her earlier.”

“Your dad too.” He said with a sheepish grin,

“Oh my god.” She muttered, “how?!”

“I guess we’re shitty at hiding it? I know we said about just taking it easy and no pressure but,” he caught the frown that crossed her face,

“Fuck. I knew it, I knew it. This is why I said we had to stop, and now everyone fucking knows and it’s all gonna -” she stepped away from him

“No, Syd, fuck you’re so fuckin’ impatient. Would you just,” he took her hand, “would you let me finish? Please?” He sighed, dragging a hand through his curls. “I would go to the fuckin’ ends of the earth for you if that’s what you wanted. I don’t care about easy, or too much fuckin’ pressure, I only want you, and I want to be by your side when you take over the world and get three bullshit fucking stars - not just one. I can’t do this without you and I don’t want to, and I know I said that before but it was because I was too much of a fuckin’ coward to tell you that I’ve been in love with you since the day you walked in here.” She stared at him. Didn't say a word, just stared. "Syd?"

"Are you sure?" She asked eventually, still wary. He closed the gap between them again and took her hand. 

"Am I… am I sure?" He laughed, "Yeah sweetheart, I'm fuckin' certain. And I will spend every day proving it to you if you'll let me?" 

"I think I could live with that." She said softly. 

"Yeah?" His hands slipped around her waist, drawing her closer. 

"Yeah. The most excellent chef, occasionally a piece of shit," she teased.

"Only occasionally now? I'll take that," he smirked. 

"Occasionally a piece of shit, rarely a total dickbag, thankfully," she assured him. "the best former CDC, now Exec Chef I've ever seen?" she leaned into him with a contented sigh as he kissed her. "I love you too."

"Thank you for showing me that none of this is a waste of time." He kissed her again, the stainless steel counter cold through the thin fabric of her dress. She broke the kiss, breathless, and looked over his shoulder and out to the restaurant. Their restaurant. 

FIN

~~~~~~

[missingn000]

Hi!! I’m sure you probably already know this but pls don’t ever feel guilty over not updating tpg in a while (and it literally hasn’t even been that long haha)! Tpg is a phenomenal and LONG fic that you busted out insanely quickly for FREE. Fans are never entitled to fanfiction and we’re all grateful that you even brought you fic to life in the first place. Personally, I’ve waited (and am still waiting) for certain fanfictions to update even after YEARS of nothing. One of my all time favs last updated probably three years ago and I continue to patiently wait for an update that will never come, but it’s ok because even if it’s never updated again, I’m glad that that fic exists because it inspires me to daydream and constantly think about it, and tpg is exactly the same. Also to work on a fic as long and detailed as tpg while also being a masters student and working in aerospace? I think you’re superhuman lowkey cuz that’s insane haha, take your time with the hiatus even if that means you won’t feel ready to come back for a few months or even over a year! An update that you can feel proud of that you didn’t struggle to create will ALWAYS be better than an update that left you stressed and didn’t come out how you wanted. I always feel for authors who say that fics that they once loved writing ended up becoming sources of pain. Also I’m so damn happy you’re into one piece and working on a seraphim ace centric fic! Literally the perfect thing to read while in between tpg updates.

Sorry if this got kinda wordy or came out of nowhere, I’m in my yearly jjk phase and I was reminded that tpg is a thing after rewatching toji in season 2, I’m catching up on tpg so I have no idea if the megumi reveal came already but I’m eager to get into the sukuna backstory >:) I know this ask is kinda like preaching to a choir since you’ve mentioned in your tpg hiatus post that you’re gonna take it easy with the fic, but I just wanted to say it from the perspective of a reader too 🫶 anyway, I love your writing style, the way you describe the appearance of certain settings made me tear up one time and the way you described getous domain was one of the more gorgeous things I had ever read. It was the same as the feelings I had while reading the description of Gojo in the fic Cannibalization of the Apex (please read that if you haven’t, it’s beautiful)

WOW I’m sorry I really didn’t shut up in this ask huh. I hope you enjoy reading it regardless 😅 have a good day/night!!

HI!! oh my god this message is SO sweet, i truly thank you from the bottom of my soul for sending it. there's definitely still a lot of lingering guilt for not updating tpg in so long, so receiving such a kind, understanding, heartfelt reassurance lifts a HUGE weight off my shoulders!! it truly means so much to me, more than i can put into words (despite being an author...) and from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU for sending this. you're too kind and i feel truly lucky to have a reader like you!!

AS FOR THE SERAPHIM ACE FIC -- i'm continuing to write and develop it, and i'm having a blast so far. i plan to post the first chapter (read: unleash the first slice of another monstrosity) on ace's birthday, because one of the things that stressed me out most about tpg was updating a chapter and then trying to pump out the next one ASAP, so i'm doing my mental health a favor by writing a lot ahead this time. BUT, NEVER FEAR, i'm preparing some very fun announcements regarding this fic very soon (really huge and exciting stuff, STAY TUNED) and i'll start posting previews and information about it soon!! lord knows i'm too impatient to wait until ace's birthday to actually start inflicting pain on you people. lots more to come very soon. <33 thank you again for sending this, you're too kind!!

[dailyanarchistposts]

Chapter Nine. God: The Commercial

There can be no liberty for a community which lacks the means by which to detect lies. —Walter Lippmann[183]

Arthur Blessitt sits with his large dark wooden cross, a wheel attached to the base, on a couch in the studios of the Trinity Broadcasting Network (TBN) in Tinicum, California. He and the host, Paul Crouch Jr., watch as Paul’s younger brother Matt finishes an interview in the studio in Hollywood. The two men wait for the cue signaling they are on the air.

Blessitt, who has just completed a book called Give Me a J, is a frequent guest on the network’s most popular nightly two-hour variety show, Praise the Lord. He played a role in the conversion of George W. Bush after meeting him in 1984 in Midland, Texas. The owners and founders of Trinity Broadcasting, Paul Crouch Sr. and Jan Crouch, have carried out fund-raising appeals so Blessitt, who has a citation in the Guinness Book of World Records for “World’s Longest Walk,” can carry his cross along roadsides in foreign countries. The show this evening, filled with the usual uplifting Christian music and interviews with Christian celebrities, such as the former NBA basketball star A. C. Green, is about to turn to the supernatural portion of the program, the moment when the power of Jesus to perform miracles is, the hosts say, made visible and real.

“There is more excitement and joy in living with Jesus for one hour than all the carnal pleasures in a lifetime,” Blessitt says into the camera when they begin.

“Amen,” Paul Crouch Jr. adds.

The conversation centers on Blessitt’s campaign, which began on Christmas day 1969, to traverse the globe carrying the wooden cross on his shoulder. Blessitt, with a mop of gray hair, explains that he has walked “over 37,000 miles, almost one and a half times around the world, through 305 nations, island groups and territories” and taken “over 64 million steps.

“When you calculate the weight of each step with the weight of the cross,” he says, he has carried “over 8 billion pounds, and I don’t have one callus, one bunion, and I’m 65 years old and I never felt better in my life.”

The taped applause track prompts the small studio crowd to clap.

“The obvious question is: Why?” asks Crouch, leaning toward his guest.

“Because Jesus spoke to me, I love Him,” Blessitt answers. “And in 1969 one night I was praying and Jesus said, ‘Take the cross off the building on Sunset Boulevard’—where I had a Jesus night club on Sunset Strip—‘put the cross on your shoulder, and carry it on the roadsides of the world and identify My message where the people are.’ And by the grace of God, I’ve walked through 50 countries at war. I’ve been in jail 24 times. I’ve been through Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, Saudi Arabia, North Korea, Sudan, Somalia, everyplace, lifting up the cross, preaching Jesus. There are no walls. There are no barriers. The world is open. Jesus said, ‘Go,’ and you go to live or die, but you go to do His will.”

“You took the great commission literally,” Crouch says, referring to the belief that Christians must leave their homes to convert nonbelievers.

“Yes, yes,” Blessitt says.

“To go into all the world. And you are just about to do that,” Crouch adds. “You have a few little island nations—”

“—well, they are not nations,” Blessitt says. “I have been to every nation, but there are a few remote islands, like the Chatham Islands and Zanzibar and some of these places. To have been in every inhabited place—”

“—Wow—”

“—and Jesus has given the strength to do that and it is just amazing,” Blessitt says. “I look at the pictures on my wall. I look at everything and it is a living miracle of what God has done.”

Blessitt and his wife, Denise Irja, have just adopted a baby and recently moved to work out of the Heritage Christian Center in Denver, Colorado. He is on Praise the Lord to give tips on how to witness and “reach a hurting world,” but first Crouch promises dramatic video footage from a TBN documentary called Arthur Blessitt: A Pilgrim.

The men sit back and watch the clip.

NARRATOR:(Over pictures of a younger Blessitt) In 1979, Arthur journeyed into one of the most politically unstable areas of the world, Central America. The trip was sponsored by the Trinity Broadcasting Network.

PAUL CROUCH SR.:(Over dark, ominous music) We saw the phones ring and the money pledged to buy what we lovingly dubbed the Holy Roller, the little four-wheel drive vehicle that had been given by the partners to assist Arthur in his travel and his journey down through Central America.

(Paul and Jan Crouch, who is wearing a flowing dress that looks like a square-dancing outfit, climb out of the cab of a jeep that is pulling a small caravan and hand the keys to Blessitt.)

PAUL CROUCH SR.: This absolutely unreal drama unfolded, and we were to learn later the most frightening and dangerous experiences of Arthur Blessitt’s entire life.

(Jan Crouch, her champagne-colored wig cascading down her shoulders, sits on a bed under muted lighting.)

JAN CROUCH:(Speaking in a breathless whisper) I really wasn’t thinking about Arthur Blessitt…. when all of a sudden I looked up and the entire ceiling in the bedroom where we were sleeping had lit up. And I saw like it was a movie screen what was going on, what was happening in Nicaragua.

ARTHUR BLESSITT: I heard a banging on the side of the trailer. I opened the trailer caravan door, and gunmen burst into our trailer.

JAN CROUCH: When I opened my eyes to look at it, I saw Arthur and he was just looking at me, and I had never really seen that look before. There was no fear. It was just like, “Pray, Jan, pray.”

ARTHUR BLESSITT: They took me near the side of the van, the four-wheel drive vehicle, and they stood me there and they lined up, seven gunmen and two on a truck with machine guns. They said they were going to kill me. When they raised the guns up and took aim, I realized at that moment, “They are going to literally shoot me now.”

JAN CROUCH: And I stopped and I said, “Honey, Arthur Blessitt is in trouble and we have got to pray.”

PAUL CROUCH SR.: All of a sudden, Jan descended on me and half frightened me to death…. She seized my arm and said, “Honey, Arthur’s in trouble, and we’ve got to pray for him.”

NARRATOR: Blessitt explains that he decided he would not die without a Bible in his hand.

ARTHUR BLESSITT: In a momentary decision, as I heard the guy say, “Uno, dos,” I turned instantly with my prayer: “Jesus, help me hit the keyhole.” And I turned and stuck the key into the door, right in the hole first time, right in the door, and they were saying, “Don’t move” in Spanish. I thought, “It doesn’t matter if I get shot in the front or the back.” I opened the door, picked up a box that had Bibles in it. I set the box down and started tearing off the top of the box, and it had these cords on it. It was very difficult to get the box open. I could see the gunmen’s feet around me. They were pulling on my shoulder trying to get me to stand up. Finally, I got a whole load and put the Bibles in my arm and thought I would give them all a Bible. I was really anticipating getting one for myself, but I thought I would give them all a Bible before they shot me.

PAUL CROUCH SR.: We fell to our knees, right there in the bedroom in that little cottage in Phoenix, and began to cry out to God and pray and receive, knowing nothing about what Arthur was experiencing at that moment.

JAN CROUCH: We jumped down by the bed very quickly…. We held hands across the bed and prayed for our friend Arthur. And all of a sudden I said, “Father, I ask you to send 12 big angels to fight for him right now.”

ARTHUR BLESSITT: And when I stood up, there wasn’t one gunman standing there. And I looked and there were six on the ground about 15 feet away and one with his feet sticking out the door of the trailer who had been knocked inside. I didn’t know what had happened. I heard nothing. I saw nothing.

NARRATOR: Blessitt says he went over to the ones on the ground and offered them a Bible and some water, but they were terrified and ran for the truck and sped away. When he walked in the trailer, his friend Don said he thought he had been killed.

DON: I have just been saved a couple of years, and I grew up in bars. I know meat against meat. I heard blows and then the gunmen fell by the door, and one fell into the door. Didn’t you hit them?

ARTHUR BLESSITT: I said no, I didn’t do anything. The people in the village came running up and said they saw God here. They said they saw a bright flash of light and God was here. And all I could do was stand in the midst of that whole situation and say, “Somebody must have been praying for me.”

“Oh, man,” Paul Crouch Jr. says as the camera switches back to the studio amid heavy applause.

“It is very moving to look at that,” Blessitt tells his host.

“What are you feeling?” Crouch asks softly.

“I feel the love that Paul and Jan had,” he says. “I don’t understand all about prayer, but God had them pray.”

“Amen,” Crouch says.

“And there was a literal miracle that took place,” Blessitt says. “I feel the presence of God.”

“Amen,” Crouch says.

“The only thing I can say is, I have lived now for 36 years of walking around the world in the presence of God,” Blessitt says.

“Amen,” Crouch says.

“I carried the cross,” Blessitt says. “I know His presence.”

“Amen,” Crouch says.

“And really, that is how I live,” Blessitt says. “I know Jesus is with me. I know that I know that I know that I know.”

“How do you know?” Crouch asks in a whisper.

“I know because His word says so,” Blessitt says as the applause track is again turned up, prompting the audience to clap. “Jesus said, ‘I will be with you always.’ I believe what He said.”

“Tell them,” Crouch encourages.

“And I believe another scripture: ‘Where two or three are gathered in my name there am I in the midst of them.’”

“Amen,” Crouch says, as an electric piano plays soft music in the background.

“And Paul, I have been so many times in places where there is not one believer around me,” Blessitt says. “I have been with soldiers. I have been with terrorist groups. And I will just say to them, ‘Would you say the name “Jesus”?’ And when they say the name ‘Jesus,’ the presence of Christ comes into that atmosphere. And really, that is how I share Christ; that is how I witness.”

The scene, with its high drama and emotion, its story of a miracle and the divine intervention mediated by Paul and Jan Crouch, is typical fare for Trinity Broadcasting. As Blessitt launches into a short pitch on the importance of knowing and accepting Jesus into your heart, Crouch reminds viewers that they can call prayer counselors at the toll-free number shown on the bottom of the screen. It is a short step from a prayer counselor to making a “love gift” and becoming a partner in Trinity Broadcasting. Above all else, this is a business, a huge one, and those who know how to run it well, the Paul and Jan Crouches, the Pat Robertsons and Benny Hinns, have grown wealthy and built massive media and personal empires on the gospel of prosperity.

The Crouches, who began their television evangelism with the disgraced Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker, wear gaudy costumes and sit during their popular nightly program in front of stained-glass windows that overlook faux Louis XVI sets awash in gold rococo and red velvet, glittering chandeliers and a gold-painted piano. The emblem of the station, which Paul Crouch wears on the pocket of his blue double-breasted blazer, is a crest with a British lion and unicorn on each side and a white dove of peace in the middle. The couple, who collect nearly $1 million a year in salary from the network, also have use of 30 ministry-owned homes, including two sprawling multimillion-dollar oceanfront mansions in the resort town of Newport Beach, California, a mountain retreat near Lake Arrowhead and a ranch in Texas. They travel in a $7.2 million, 19-seat Canadair Turbojet, drive luxury cars, and charge everything from dinners to antiques on company credit cards, according to former employees. They run their empire with 400 employees, out of walnut-paneled offices with plush velvet furniture. The offices occupy half of the top floor of the network’s headquarters in Costa Mesa.[184]

Jan, who is caked in makeup and appears to have undergone extensive plastic surgery—including, allegedly, breast implants—wears garish outfits and huge, flowing wigs. Her tear-filled stories of miracles—such as how her pet chicken was brought back to life when she was a child—or her accounts of prayer requests from listeners, are used to extract money from viewers.[185] She and her husband speak as if they have a direct connection with God, an implication reinforced by constant stories of their personal involvement in divine miracles, such as the event involving Blessitt.

Their message, however, also has a dark side. Those who do not support their ministry, the Crouches often say, will see God turn against them. Viewers who have struggled with deep despair, and who believe that the world of miracles and magic is the only thing holding them back from the abyss, often find the threat potent and frightening. Better, many feel, to send in money and not take a chance.

“If you have been healed or saved or blessed through TBN and have not contributed to [the] station, you are robbing God and will lose your reward in heaven,” Paul Crouch said in a Praise the Lord broadcast on November 7, 1997.[186] Couch said: “God, we proclaim death to anything or anyone that will lift a hand against this network and this ministry that belongs to You, God. It is Your work, it is Your idea, it is Your property, it is Your airwaves, it is Your world, and we proclaim death to anything that would stand in the way of God’s great voice of proclamation to the whole world. In the name of Jesus, and all the people said, ‘Amen!’”[187]

Trinity Broadcasting Network is the world’s largest televangelist organization, with programming beamed from some two dozen satellites and thousands of cable and terrestrial channels in some 75 countries. It owns interests in stations in El Salvador, Spain and Kenya and has contracts with numerous other cable and satellite companies and station owners. Its programming is carried on more than 6,000 stations in the United States and abroad as well as the Internet.[188] The network is the platform for some of the movement’s most reactionary and bizarre preachers, including many from other countries. The success of the network lies in its array of programming and the variety of different “faith” messages it is willing to incorporate. It provides religious entertainment, children’s programming, gospel music concerts from Nashville, live coverage of Christian events, lifestyle shows, health and beauty tips, financial counseling and prosperity tips, news and current events, Christian documentaries and feature films, teaching programs, worship services at megachurches and spirited revivals. The messages range from the theologically conservative—embodied in the Southern Baptist preachers Charles Stanley and Adrian Rogers—to Catholic Ministries’ Father Michael Manning, to those who preach the gospel of prosperity, such as Kenneth Copeland, Creflo Dollar and John Avanzini. The network broadcasts Dr. D. James Kennedy, who is at the forefront of the movement to create a theocratic America, and it gives a voice to some of the outer fringes of the movement, such as the Christian exorcist Bob Larson and the popular healer Benny Hinn, who says that Adam was a superhero who could fly to the moon and claims that one day the dead will be raised by watching TBN from inside their coffins.[189] In a Praise the Lord broadcast on October 19, 1999, Hinn told viewers that he will one day be able to raise the dead through his television broadcasts, that soon those who have lost loved ones will refuse to bury them but

place him in front of that TV set for 24 hours. I see rows of caskets lining up in front of this TV set, and I see them bringing them closer to the TV set, and as people are coming closer I see loved ones picking up the hands of the dead and letting them touch the screen, and people are getting raised as their hands are touching that screen.[190]

Hinn, who says he is a prophet who speaks with God daily, also tells followers that he has been transported to heaven and regularly receives visions and revelations. He has predicted that one day Jesus would appear at one of his crusades. He claims to be able to heal the sick and told Larry King he had healed himself by watching a previously recorded broadcast of one of his sermons.[191] He also, like the Crouches, angrily lashes out at his critics, once saying: “Sometimes I wish God would give me a Holy Ghost machine gun. I’d blow your head off!”[192] This sentiment was echoed by the elder Crouch, who has attacked critics as “heresy hunters” and lambastes them as enemies of God who will soon feel God’s wrath.

In an April 2, 1991, “Praise-a-Thon,” Crouch let loose on his critics:

To hell with you! Get out of my life! Get out of the way! I say, get out of God’s way! Quit blocking God’s bridges or God’s going to shoot you—if I don’t. I don’t even want to even talk to you or hear you! I don’t want to see your ugly face.[193]

The Crouches have repeatedly been embroiled in scandals in their three decades on television, including battles with the Federal Communications Commission over the legality of some of their station licenses.[194] Lonnie Ford, Paul Crouch’s chauffeur, said he had a homosexual relationship in 1996 with Crouch, something Crouch has vehemently denied. But Ford was, the network admitted, paid $425,000 and given housing in settlement when he threatened to go public with the charges shortly after the affair allegedly took place. The story was first reported six years later by the Los Angeles Times.[195] Disgruntled former employees complain about the lavish lifestyles of the Crouches, paid for by contributors who are often of modest means.

None of this seems to dampen the enthusiasm—or lessen the coffers—of the network. The promise of miracles, coupled with the fear of falling out of the favor of God (and the Crouches), compels loyal “partners” to mail in monthly “love offerings.” The network, expanding in areas such as the Middle East, dubs its programs in 11 different languages. It is watched by viewers in more than 5 million households in the United States each week and millions more overseas. And televangelists such as Pat Robertson, despite having networks that once dwarfed TBN, now buy time on the TBN network to reach a wider audience. The network generates more than $170 million a year in revenue, according to tax filings reported by the Los Angeles Times. Viewers’ contributions make up two-thirds of the income, and the rest comes from fees imposed on those who want to buy airtime.[196]

Crouch encourages viewers to send in checks for $1,000, even if they cannot afford it. Write the check anyway, he tells them, as a “step of faith,” and the Lord will repay them many times over. “Do you think God would have any trouble getting $1,000 extra to you somehow?” he asked during one Praise-a-Thon.[197]

The constant appeals for money, the fantastic stories about angels and healings and miracles, and the opulence of the Crouches’ lifestyles are defended by many viewers who cling to the network. The Crouches’ wealth is merely proof, many say, of God’s blessing and a sign that such blessings will one day flow to them as well, as long as they mail in their prayer offerings and love gifts and have faith.

The triviality of American popular culture, its emptiness and gossip, accelerates this destruction of critical thought. It expands the void, the mindlessness that makes the magic, mythology and irrationality of the Christian Right palatable. Television, the movement’s primary medium, allows viewers to preoccupy themselves with context-free information. The homogenized empty chatter on the airwaves, the banal amusement and clichés, the bizarre doublespeak endlessly repeated on cable news channels and the huge spectacles in sports stadiums have replaced America’s political, social and moral life, indeed replaced community itself. Television lends itself perfectly to this world of signs and wonders, to the narcissism of national and religious self-exaltation. Television discourages real communication. Its rapid frames and movement, its constant use of emotional images, its sudden shifts from one theme to an unrelated theme, banish logic and reason with dizzying perplexity. It, too, makes us feel good. It, too, promises to protect and serve us. It, too, promises to lift us up and thrill us. The televangelists have built their movement on these commercial precepts. The totalitarian creed of the Religious Right has found in television the perfect medium. Its leaders know how television can be used to seduce and encourage us to walk away from the dwindling, less exciting collectives that protect and nurture us. They have mastered television’s imperceptible, slowly induced hypnosis. And they understand the enticement of credo quia absurdum—I believe because it is absurd.

Arlene Jacques, wearing dark-framed rectangular glasses and with her hair pulled back, is wearing a bright red sequined shirt, flashy red sequin earrings and fire-engine red fingernail polish. She is browsing with her 35-year-old daughter Brandy in the Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh gift shop on the ground floor of the Costa Mesa TBN headquarters, situated next to the San Diego Freeway. The headquarters is a gaudy, white wedding cake of a building with a dramatic front lobby that holds two spiral staircases winding upward, their railings ornate, gold-painted iron-work. Set in colored marble at the foot of the staircases, directly in front of the double glass doors, is the imperial-looking emblem of the network. Above the shoppers, the staircases converge on a huge white statue of the archangel Michael slaying the dragon, a 13-inch replica of which is on sale in the gift shop. The walls have gold-tinted mirrors and huge windows that allow visitors to look at the fountains, reflecting pools, sculptures, neoclassical colonnades, manicured lawns and white lights that outline the building and the shrubs. It’s Christmastime: elaborate light displays outline reindeer and hug the palm trees. On the top of the building, lights spell out “Happy Birthday Jesus.”

Jacques, from Visalia, California, looks at the displays of books by various members of the Crouch family, the clothing with the TBN emblem, and trinkets such as the Mary and Baby Jesus Decorator Plate or the Coming King Medallion. This is her first visit to TBN, although she has been a “partner” of the network for many years and has long made regular monthly contributions. She busily snaps pictures, including shots of herself in front of a gold grand piano on the second floor, with her daughter Brandy, who is a nurse. They visited the virtual reality theater earlier in the day and walked through the re-creation of the Via Dolorosa, the route through Jerusalem by which Jesus carried the cross to his crucifixion. In the 50-seat theater she has seen one of the End Time movies, which portray the apocalyptic end of the world, the death of nonbelievers and saving of the righteous, and she has felt the seats tremble during projected quakes and storms. She is about to head to the Heavenly Bistro for something to drink. The network has a similar complex near Dallas and a Christian entertainment center outside of Nashville. But there are few visitors today and the headquarters is nearly empty.

Jacques turned to the network 30 years ago at a time when she was “in a lot of pain.” She was living in a tiny, run-down apartment with her two small daughters, Brandy and Raquel, and had been recently divorced.

“I had never been a working parent,” she says. “I was scared to death to go out into the working world. I was not real churched at the time. They were speaking to me, Paul and Jan and the people at TBN, about my spiritual side. I knew Jesus, but I did not have a personal relationship with Jesus. God could know you personally, they told me, and I could know Him personally.”

She met with a neighbor to pray and talk about changing her life. She watched the broadcasts, the promises of salvation, the stories about how finding God changes lives, melts away problems and leads to financial and emotional security. The broadcasts gave her comfort.

“I got down on my knees by myself by the couch,” she remembers. “I got a great big Bible, a 90-pound Bible that my husband got overseas, it was a big white one with gold print, and I put my hands on it and said, ‘God, please touch me, my life and children.’ Then I cried for three hours. I saw a slide show in front of my eyes. It seemed like every single wrong thing I had ever done flashed before my eyes and I was truly sorry.”

She visited various churches, but nothing gave her the glow of the TBN broadcasts. She began to pray daily, sometimes for long stretches. And she began to watch, slowly drawn into the culture and the message preached by Paul and Jan Crouch.

“I was taking a load of clothes down to the washing machine in the basement of the apartment building,” she says. “We were poor, living on welfare and food stamps, and when I came back upstairs I felt that I wanted to kneel by the bed and pray. I lifted up my hands and started to talk in a loud language I had never heard before. I thought, ‘It’s happening. My mind is thinking one thing and something different is coming out of my mouth. I am speaking in prayer language.’”

She found a job driving a school bus, but her emotional life remained in turmoil and the family often had a hard time paying bills. She struggled with depression. There were nights she could not sleep. She felt as if she was hanging on by her fingertips and there were few people listening or willing to help.

“I don’t know if you have ever been in a place in your life where it takes effort to walk from one room to the next,” she says. “It takes so much effort. I was in those places several times. But just by hearing the worship on TBN, by listening to different people speak the word of God, it gave me strength. The network is on 24 hours a day, seven days a week. The pastor of your church and all your wonderful friends do not want you to call them up at four a.m. in tears when you feel such total despair. But you can call TBN. You can call TBN and there are people who actually speak to you. You can speak to a real, live person. They ask who you are and what you want to pray about. You can do this 24 hours a day.

“There is power in prayer,” she says. “Not only do you feel different; you feel more peaceful. In time you see answers to those prayers. Nothing happened instantly, but you know you can actually live another day, and you get to a place where you can keep on living.”

When she called the toll-free “prayer line,” the number of which is always visible at the bottom of the TV screen, she was asked by a “prayer warrior” on the other end for her name and address. The information was put into a direct-mail database, one of the network’s most successful fund-raising tools. Her calls to prayer partners, she says, gave her strength. But they also led her, a young, single mother on welfare, to take some of her meager income and mail it to the network.

“I was living on welfare, collecting food stamps,” she says, “and I would tape fifteen cents to one of their little cards and mail it back.”

Her life had always been turbulent. She started working very young, in her father’s restaurant. There was little time for school. She says she came from a “dysfunctional family” in which there was “no value of people, no value for life, for relationships and how to talk and relate to people.

“I didn’t know kids didn’t work,” she says. “My parents were divorced early on, and I lived with my dad and my stepmother since I was about 10. I did not know some kids got to eat dinner with their family, do their homework and go to bed.”

She barely made it through high school and eloped a couple years later with a man in the Navy. They went to Los Angeles and got married. He was sent to Vietnam. When he came back from the war, the marriage was tempestuous. They split and reconciled numerous times until they finally gave up.

“I remember as a little girl living in that apartment,” says Brandy. “My mom was a total Jesus freak. She used to bring homeless people in from the park and feed them and pray over them. She loved everybody with the love of God.”

Arlene baptized homeless people who visited in a small inflatable children’s pool. The pool was where she also baptized her daughters. She taught her daughters that, as Paul and Jan Crouch said, faith alone would be enough to let them survive. Jesus, if you had enough faith, would take care of you.

“For us, for my sister and I, to this day we know that God is so real,” Brandy adds. “We know God brought us through and protected us. One time me and my sister and mom got on our knees and prayed for our rent money. We left. We went to do the laundry at the laundromat. When we got back, there was a check in the middle of the floor, not like it was pushed under the door, but right in the middle of the floor. It was for our rent, and it was signed by Jesus Christ, and Wells Fargo cashed it.”

But the gospel of prosperity has a more insidious effect than the personal enrichment of leaders such as Paul and Jan Crouch at the expense of gullible, desperate and often impoverished followers. When it is faith alone that will determine your well-being, when faith alone cures illness, overcomes emotional distress and ensures financial and physical security, there is no need for outside, secular institutions, for social-service and regulatory agencies, to exist. There is no need for fiscal or social responsibility. Although many of the followers of the movement rely, or have relied in the past, on government agencies to survive, the belief system they embrace is hostile to all secular intervention. To put trust in secular institutions is to lack faith, to give up on God’s magic and miracles. The message being preached is one that dovetails with the message of neoconservatives who want to gut and destroy federal programs, free themselves from government regulations and taxes and break the back of all organizations, such as labor unions, that seek to impede maximum profit.

The popular Christian textbook America’s Providential History cites Genesis, which calls for mankind to “have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps upon the earth” (Genesis 1:26–27) as evidence that the Bible calls for “Bible-believing Christians” to take dominion of America and the world: “When God brings Noah through the flood to a new earth, He reestablishes the Dominion Mandate but now delegates to man the responsibility for governing other men.”[198] The authors write that God has called the United States to become a Christian nation and “make disciples of all nations.”[199]

The book fuses the Christian message with the celebration of unrestricted capitalism. It denounces income tax as “idolatry” and property tax as “theft,” and in a chapter titled “Christian Economics,” calls for the abolishment of inheritance taxes.[200] This indoctrination is designed to form a cadre of young believers who will follow biblical rather than secular law. They are told that when the two laws clash, they as believers must defy secular authorities. And they are taught to judge others not by what they do but by their fidelity to Christian doctrine.

“Even if Christians manage to outnumber others on an issue and we sway our Congressman by sheer numbers, we end up in the dangerous promotion of democracy,” the book reads. “We really do not want representatives who are swayed by majorities, but rather by correct principles.”[201]

The book also teaches students that a Christian’s primary responsibility is to create material wealth. God will oversee the increase and protection of natural resources. America’s Providential History belittles secular environmentalists, who see natural resources as fragile and limited, and says of those who hold these concerns that they “lack faith in God’s providence and consequently, men will find fewer natural resources…. The Christian knows that the potential in God is unlimited and that there is no shortage of resources in God’s earth.” The book blithely dismisses the threat of global warming and overpopulation, saying, “Christians know that God has made the earth sufficiently large with plenty of resources to accommodate all the people.”[202]

Nietzsche wrote that man needs lies. And the Jan and Paul Crouches of the world are perfect emissaries of the belief system needed to dismantle the power of the federal government and unlease the fetters on corporations. Moral life is reduced in their ideology to personal, individual piety. All well-being lies in the hands of God—or, more specifically, the hands of those who pose as ambassadors for God. The power of the supreme collective, of the corporation, is increasingly unchecked when a society accepts that fate is determined by a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. In this world individual rights—once safeguarded through the competing collectives of diverse social, religious or ethnic groups, trade unions, government regulatory agencies, advocacy groups, independent media and judiciaries, and schools and universities that do not distort the world through an ideological lens—are neutered.

This new world of signs and wonders, of national and religious self-exaltation and elaborate spectacle, makes people feel good. It offers the promise of God’s protection and service. This new world promises to lift them up and thrill them, all the while calling on them to do away with the dwindling collectives that in fact heretofore have protected them. When individuals are finally emasculated and alone, bereft of the help of competing collectives, they cannot defend their rights or question the abuses of their overlords. When there is no other place to turn for help other than the world of miracles and magic, mediated by those who grow rich off those who suffer, when fealty to an ideology becomes a litmus test for individual worth, tyranny follows.

[crimsonblackrose]

.

Vietnam 1968, the way they tricked us into thinking this guy was Silver.

This captain broke one of the pieces of bamboo off his fighting sparring thing and his finger is bleeding but makes no move to take care of it.

This captain might be where Kreese gets a lot of his mannerisms. Cigar smoking included.

I don't know military jargon so none of what the captain says makes sense to me:

The team will work out of CCN. Direct action Missels into northern Vietnam. They'll go sterile into triple canopy jungle. No insignia's no id. Small team. He'll train guerrilla tactics, demolitions, hand to hand combat. The captain learned Tang Soo Do from in the Korean War under Kim SunYung.

I forgot Kreese poaches students from the school from different clubs

Weight lifting?

Basketball and wrestling (Kyler) How did Kreese get into the school? Who let him just wander around and recruit?

Ali's message.

He said it.

His gift choices are...uh...maybe a bit too telling.

Randoseru bag for Sam and kitkats for Anthony

Like okay a cute bag for Sam, she'll use it, she'll wear it. No matter how you slice it, he spent more money on sam. Kit kats, candy for Anthony to eat, still going to be cheap.

Right? Logic.

A Randoseru bag isn't just any bag. It's a $600 bag for school children. Like...children children. Primary and elementary school children. Kindergartners. Yes they're fashionable and more people buy and use them but it's still at it's core $600 backpack for his little girl.

And Kitkats from Japan for Anthony. Yes there's tons of exciting flavors of Kitkats in Japan, different regional ones. I can buy online a pack of Japanese limited edition kit kats for $12.90. And they're at all the airports.

Which I don't know if they meant to do this, but what it tells me is that Daniel saw a cute little kid backpack and was like awww my baby girl and dropped a ridiculous amount of money on it, got the airport and went oh shit Anthony and bought him kitkats at Duty free. Also the soy sauce kit kats apparently taste like maple syrup.

I'm sorry Anthony. He should've gotten you a game or something.

I don't know why but for some reason I thought Lucille lived in Jersey. But that wouldn't make sense for them being at Daniel's mothers. There's no way Amanda would've sent them all the way to Jersey.

Hawk's regretting breaking Demetri's arm. He broke the canary, which pushed him back towards right and wrong and honor.

See these are like fighters, not nerds, Kreese you introduced a different type of high school student into the ecosystem Johnny carefully cultivated. It's going to destroy it.

You would think however because Mitch goes to school with them he'd know better.

I don't think Mitch got the flinching lesson.

I don't think Johnny's going to get his deposit back.

Major kudos to Xolo on his acting for all of this and all the falls he took.

Johnny dug out his internet book again

Miguel on his forever duty of teaching Johnny. You can't send that/Why not/because it's like 80 pages in all caps.

Johnny has 35 years worth of stuff to say.

Johnny also liked all of her photos.

Miguel's face.

Amanda on Johnny: Pretty boy Amanda on Kreese: Camp Fear level karate psycho.

Amanda, Daniel has weapons on his walls at Miyagi-do.

Amanda: We're going to the police.

Kreese is purposefully picking students he thinks is a little weak so he can weed them out, the way he chuckles and picks Mitch.

Was Mitch also not there for the chokehold lessons?

It's interesting how students know what Kreese means by finish him/them when I feel like going into it blind with a different training background (Wrestling) wouldn't mean: punch him in the face. But it almost always is.

Kyler what was your little arm movement thing when you finished mItch?

Brucks is too excited.

Hawk trying to stand up for him because Mitch literally turns to him like I'm getting kicked out? After everything? Which leads to the must buckwild line delivered seriously ever: "Sensei, Assface has been loyal to the dojo"

Do you think these recruits were promised free classes? Like why would they leave their other sports for this?

Kreese's captain pulls his punch.

Johnny's photos 🤣

It is kind of sad that these are the only photos he has.

He doesn't have much from after high school.

Miguel, do you have any where you're wearing a shirt? (Great question)

🤣 What was this photoshoot supposed to be in-canon Johnny? Modeling gig?

Johnny why is this where your brain went?

and with baby oil. Miguel your work is cut out for you.

He goes for doing the same stuff Ali's into and take photos of him doing that. No to Yoga (even though somewhere there's a photo of Johnny doing yoga at his dojo in his gi with the season 1 yoga mom's) He will however pet a dog. You think the aquarium will let me get in with the dolphins? 🤣🤣🤣 We can fotomat it. (used to be a drive through photo development chain)

Miguel looks so tired, Johnny nicknamed him hot wheels. 🤣

Amanda and Daniel take their complaint to office Thompson.

Everything, so much is missing a lot of context. Welcome to the show Amanda.

Kreese is a green beret, silver star ("third-highest military decoration for valor in combat.")

They can't be within 500 yards of one another.

They were going to have to serve her the papers but she showed up before they got to it so she signs there at the station.

I think this is our first shot of Eli's grim reaper tattoo, that he had made when Moon broke up with him.

The way Kreese is like oh shit Hawk's pissed put away the points, let him go wild, this is fine. And the student puts the flags aside. This is a very Mike Barnes fight. It's literally just an all out assault. Brucks even asks him to stop and he doesn't.

Kreese even tries to quickly say finish him and Hawk tries to murder Brucks. Like Hawk didn't need to be told, he's already doing it before the words leave Kreese's mouth.

The fact Kreese smiles about it.

Even Tory looks away.

I can't believe Kyler stays after what Hawk did to his friend. Hawk even spits on Brucks.

Book!The Queen of Hearts by kimmery martin it's a romance medical drama.

Who taught this man to do duck lips and was it you Miguel? Do you regret it? I believe his next pose is supposed to be zoolanders blue steel

I think what I like about this is Miguel and Johnny are having fun. Even if it's like silly and whatever. Johnny rarely gets to actually have fun.

Miguel explaining a sushi dragon roll to Johnny. Johnny's waste of sushi was at Kitada sushi.

Tory works at Kitada sushi during the day and the roller rink at night.

Miguel pointing out how Kreese's: "If one of us gets hurt, we all get hurt." isn't comforting to the person who actually got hurt. Miguel's the only one in a wheel chair.

Tory: were you just going out with me to get Sam's attention (Girl, that was your idea)

Tory is helping her mom but also needs help. Which Tory takes as him saying she's crazy, but I think Miguel meant that she's a kid without a support system.

I think what I like about this is Miguel and Johnny are having fun. Even if it's like silly and whatever. Johnny rarely gets to actually have fun.

Miguel explaining a sushi dragon roll to Johnny. Johnny's waste of sushi was at Kitada sushi.

Tory works at Kitada sushi during the day and the roller rink at night.

Miguel pointing out how Kreese's: "If one of us gets hurt, we all get hurt." isn't comforting to the person who actually got hurt. Miguel's the only one in a wheel chair.

Tory: were you just going out with me to get Sam's attention (Girl, that was your idea)

Tory is helping her mom but also needs help. Which Tory takes as him saying she's crazy, but I think Miguel meant that she's a kid without a support system.

The LaRussos back to dealing with Armand. They made him chicken cacciatore. So they're paying triple to kick Kreese out (thankfully only affecting Kreese I guess) so Armand can then sell it to someone else and get double/triple ect the profit.

Armand's got his nephews Erik and Grigor to fight for him.

Miguel's first: QUIET

Miguel's pissed that Kreese got the dojo and Tory and Hawk think his sensei is weak.

Johnny needed Miguel to verbally kick Johnny's ass.

Miguel so pissed off at everything that he's standing.

That was a great answer, but because he's hanging out with Miguel and over thinking it for being too long he just sends. Not much, u?

Enterprise car rental advertisement.

Louie apparently started as garbage man in the break room and Anoush trained him.

Louie literally leaning down to try and better see the snakes that are somehow in all the cars. How did that happen without anyone noticing? Kreese literally just found out it was the LaRussos, unless he beat up Armand's nephews, sent someone over with the snakes, waited till it was done then called.

Open season on Miyagi-do students and the LaRussos. What Kreese has wanted since 1984.

It's one snake. Is it the mascot? Kreese, that was your pet.

[anormalweirdo]

Part 1 Part 2

Hey baddies this is part 3 of my lil Itadori series. If you missed part one and two its right on top of this message boo, read them two them come back. Anywayssss hope y'all enjoy my series and btw I honestly don't know how long I'll make this series, but for now I'll just ride da wave for now. Lemme stop wastin time and turn you're attention to my work. Byeee~

Slight NSFW warning, minor dni

You wake up from a knock at your door and look around. 'Who the hell could be at my damn door this early' you thought. You checked your phone, ignoring the knocks at your door. "Oh shit" you say out loud. "Bitch I overslept". You got up, grabbed your robe, and ran to the door. The knocks grew louder, which annoyed you all over again. "Hold on nigga damn" you yelled. You opened your door and looked at the pink haired boy. "Damn girl you just woke up?" "Do I look like I just woke up?" "Yea" "ok so what the fuck you think". Itadori could've ignored you buttttt, he's just not like that. "If I were you I would watch that mouth of yours". You turned around and rolled your eyes, too tired to say anything. Itadori follows you into your house while watching your ass as you walk away. You were just his type nice chocolate skin, long thick legs, a nice set of boobs, and that ass. That ass! He would literally fold you like a pretzel right now if he could. But unfortunately watching you walk away was all he needed right now. "I need to put some clothes on so wait here....and don't do no dumb shit" you say, which obviously got unheard. Itadori couldn't hear a word you were saying, too focused on your lips and the way the moved each time your spoke. "Hello, bitch you deaf or sum" you say as you clap your hands together. "Wait huh, what you say" "nigga Ian repeating myself just stay here" "whyyyyy". The pink haired man said as he pouts. "Because I'm about to change into some clothes" you say as you roll your eyes. "Hmmmm so you're naked right now" yuji says as his lips form a smirk. "No nigga, and even if I was that ain't yo business" "I bet you'd want me to see you naked." You're in shock, you didn't even think you heard him right. See you naked? I meannnnnn maybe😏, but we'll never know dat. Or would we? "Man I don't know what the fuck you talkin bout, are you high" you say as you turn to walk away. This nigga has the audacity to grab your arm and stand up. Now although you was pretty tall this man still towered over you(if you 6'6 than he just 7'1 shit I don't know💀). "You heard me mama, but I'll repeat myself if you want me to". You look up and look into his eyes, those damn eyes. You could look into those damn eyes all day. You're literal crush right in front of you, staring down at you with lust in his eyes. "You just gon stare at me all day?" You ask. "Baby I wanna do more than stare at you, but I don't want you to be in bed for the rest of the day." ouuuu y'all feel that. You feel your body get hot as you eyes widen a little bit. "You tryna say you gon put me to sleep?" "I'll do more than that, trust me" yuji says as he bends down to kiss you.

You tried to play it cool on the outside, but on the inside you were on fire. You're celebrity crush kissing you! In you're living room! You wrap your arms around his neck as his hands wrap around you're waist. He lifts you up like you weighted absolutely nothing and you wrap your legs around his waist. His hands immediately go on you ass for "support" as he walks into your room. Once in your room he lays you on the bed and pulls his shirt off. Considering the fact he's a gamer and sits in a chair for most of his day you didn't expect for him to be as buff as he was. Lord those abs..those absssss😫. "You've been hiding these from me" you say as you rubs on his arms. "You're hiding from me now" Itadori says as he unties your robe. You take your robe off, which left you in your underwear. "You look so beautiful" "you're just saying that because I'm in my underwear" "nah, you've been beautiful the underwear's just a plus" yuji says as he pulls the strap of your bra. Just before anything else could happen you and Itadori hears an alarm. He gets off of you and grab the alarm coming from his phone. "Damnit it's time to stream" Itadori says annoyed. "You have an alarm for your streams" you laugh. "You don't?" He ask confused. "No nigga". "Forget the alarm we can stream later" you say getting out of the bed. You walk up to Itadori and wrap your arms around his waist. He looks down at you and smirks as you start rubbing his abs. "Yeah fuck that stream".

You lay back on your bed as Yuji gets on top of you. He sits on top of you and grabs your boobs. "You're body is perfect" he says as he takes off your bra. "why have you been hiding these tits from me" he says as he pouts. "Because we were just here for streaming purposes" "yea yea" he says as he gets off you. He moves to your legs and and takes off your underwear. You close your legs on instinct which just annoyed the pink haired man. "Open you legs mama" he says, which you ignored. He forces your legs which left you shocked. "I said open your legs nicely, but you didn't listen" he says as he begin softly rubbing your clit. You take a deep breath as you let your legs spread a little more. "Yea dats right baby keep your legs spread out for me".

Right before anything else could happen you hear another alarm go off. "Oh my fucking god" you hear the pink haired boy yell in annoyance. He gets off of you and walks to his phone, turning the alarm off. "Let's get this fucking stream over with" Itadori mumbles annoyed, which made you laugh. You get off of your bed and begin to walk to your closet. As you're walking into your closet you feel a harsh smack to your ass. "Ouch nigga what the fuck!" You say quickly which made him laugh. After yelling and Yuji while rubbing the sore spot on your ass you put on some clothes. You put on a simple hoodie with some loose shorts. Once done you follow Itadori into your streaming room to begin the stream. You sit on your gaming chair while you watch Itadori fix up your cameras, angling towards you to. He turns around and looks at you with a smirk, making direct eye contact with you. "Once this stream is over I'm gonna make sure you're sore for days".

Hey y'all part 3 finally out lol. So sorry to keep you all waiting for so long I gotta get my shit together🤦🏽‍♀️. I'm going to work on part 4 right away, it might have some more NSFW in it too😏

[launenji]

Center of Your Universe - A KNJ Fanfic | Ch 4

Pairing: idol!Kim Namjoon x female idol!Reader

Status: Ongoing

Word Count: 11625

Genre: Rivals2Lovers. Fluff. Eventual implied smut and angst. Slow burn. idol!AU

Summary: It’s 2019 and Kim Namjoon is conquering the globe with his Bangtan brothers by his side. However, BTS can’t seem to shake their top girl group rival from chasing their names across music charts and award nominations worldwide. Now, the boys have no problem with that in any way; in fact they’ve come to respect the girls of HELIOS and their never ending climb to fame that seemed to match their own success. The only real “problem” Namjoon sees is that HELIOS’ confident, fearless, and overall badass of a leader seems to absolutely hate him. And as much as he doesn’t want to admit it, it does keep him awake at night.

T/W: Depictions of panic attacks

A/N: I’m not dead, I promise! I had this chapter in my drafts for three years because I literally didn’t know how to write the rest of it. But I did it! I finally got around to finishing it, so no this fic isn’t dead and I’m not abandoning it! It’s just been hard to write and life has been getting in the way. There’s plenty of mistakes in this chapter alone, but I’ll try to get around to fixing them, so please enjoy anyway!

Tagged: @jinjccns @craftymoonchaos @thia-aep​ @arminwluv Prologue | Ch 1 | Ch 2 | Ch 3 |

Sometimes Namjoon forgets that the beginning of every tour is always the busiest. From the minute they touch down and get off the plane, it's a non stop hustle from there; especially for the first performance.

To be honest, Namjoon can’t remember the last time he had a good night’s rest since he left Korea. His days have been filled to the brim with meetings and rehearsals to ensure the success of their first show; leaving him exhausted and drained by the time he hit his hotel bed, only to wake up a few hours later to do it all over again.

Nonetheless, BTS managed to kick off their Speak Yourself tour with an incredible start with their LA show, putting everyone’s minds, nerves, and worries at ease as they continued to prep for the rest of the tour.

By the time they reached their short stop in Northern California, Namjoon was close to feeling completely at ease as he and the boys settled into the routine of touring.

Although he couldn’t help but notice that his attitude towards this world tour was a bit different than the others in the past. He felt as if the weight on his shoulder had been slightly lifted thanks to a certain someone he hadn’t stopped texting since he received her number.

Yerin had been nothing but a breath of fresh air in Namjoon's hectic lifestyle. Sure, he had his family, his close friends, and the boys to talk to when things grew stressful. But with Yerin, it seemed she always knew what to say, and it never failed to put his mind at ease.

As Namjoon walks down the hallway to reach Yoongi’s hotel room, another ping vibrates his phone. He swiftly pulls out his phone to view the message with a goofy grin stretching across his face. Another inside joke from Yerin evokes a frenzied response of laugh-crying emojis before slipping his phone back into his pocket as he reaches the door. He carefully composes himself with a deep breath before stretching out a hand to knock.

So Namjoon may or may not have decided to keep Yerin a secret from literally everyone else, only as a precaution until he has free time to reflect on his new “friendship” with her. Between the meaningful advice and clever jokes that were arguably better than Jin’s—don’t let him know that—Namjoon may or may not have “slid in the DMs” with some flirty comments as well. Not that he assumed it would get him anywhere, but it started feeling nice when Yerin began to reciprocate. However, he’s still unsure of where this may go and is definitely too busy to figure it out now, so keeping it his own little secret was the option he finally decided on.

That, and he’d rather not face the relentless childish teasing from his group mates about a “secret crush.”

Through the door, Namjoon can hear the sound of the tv coupled with the faint chatter of the boys before he raps on the door again. The door finally opens with a small crack as Jimin peeks out from behind.

“What’s the password?” He questions with a smile. 

Namjoon deadpans, too tired to entertain stupid jokes “Jimin, let me in.”

“Actually the password is Jimin, you’re the greatest man on earth,’ but you got half of it right so I’ll let it slide.”

Jimin snickers as he swings the door wide, allowing his leader to step through.

Inside, the boys have already made themselves comfortable on top of the two beds that occupy Yoongi’s room. One bed is taken by Jungkook, Hoseok and Jin while the other holds Taehyung and an exhausted Yoongi who is already completely tucked into bed and attempting to fall asleep. Various bags of snacks are stuffed in between each member as they chat over the TV running through the advertisements.

“Grab a chip bag and pick a spot, but don’t be too loud or the old man will complain,” Jimin follows Namjoon in before hopping in between Taehyung and Yoongi to reclaim his spot. From underneath the covers Yoongi groans in protest, which ultimately goes ignored.

Not wanting to aggravate his sleep deprived hyung any more than the others already have, Namjoon decides to take the empty corner of the other bed. Grabbing an unopened bag of Lays, he makes himself comfortable on the crowded bed, but not before checking his phone one last time for messages.

I’ll let you rest for tonight, I know it’s late for you. Talk to you tomorrow <3 [9:15 PM]

Carefully aware of the presence around him, Namjoon keeps his reactions inconspicuous as he bids his goodnight to Yerin before switching his phone on silent.

“So what are you guys watching?” He finally inquires with his bedmates.

“HELIOS’ first interview of their tour. They just got to LA two days ago.” Hoseok answers, confirming with an article open on his phone of your group’s arrival to the States. Namjoon does nothing but stare at Hoseok’s phone, the papp shot of you and your groupmates walking through LAX glares back at him.

This was the first time your name has entered his space since he left for tour; and truth be told, Namjoon doesn’t really know how to react to the mention of your name anymore. He hasn’t seen you since that party, and between schedules and talking to Yerin, he hasn’t allowed himself to really think about you at all.

Remembering how he was shortly obsessed with you and wondering why you hated him so much, Namjoon can’t help but inwardly chuckle over how stupid he was acting and how fast he managed to get over you by getting on with his life. In the end, everyone who told him was right all along.

Suddenly, the channel switches back to the main program, the host of the talk show introducing the viewers to their next guests finally pulls Namjoon’s attention away from the phone screen.

“-please welcome, HELIOS!”

From behind the stage, you and the girls walk out and wave to everyone in the crowd, especially the ones they’ve extended to seat onto the floor as they cheer and scream.

It takes a minute for Namjoon to process seeing your face again. Albeit through the screen and not in person, this is the first time in a month that he gets to see you again. Your presence is still radiant as ever, donning your signature show stopping grin as you stand with your group, dressed in your matching performance outfits.

You finally take your seats as the host greets you and allows you to make your formal introductions. You lead your group into introducing HELIOS’ before you all introduce yourselves one by one. The boys around him giggle and compare the similarities of how HALOS cheered wildly for each member much like ARMYS did for them. However Namjoon keeps his eyes trained on you alone.

Slowly but surely, all of those complex feelings begin to stir in the pit of Namjoons stomach, placing him right back where he was the last time he saw you. From your confident smile that graces your features to the way you address the host and crowd, it sets him back to the starting line, completely erasing any sort of progress he had of “moving on” from this little problem he has with you.

However this time, he notices there’s something off in the way you present your smile.

As an idol of this current generation, maintaining a professional front could arguably be the most required skill needed in the industry. Between interviews and special events, what mattered most was the way you carried yourself on the outside; and you’ve worked hard to nail down this since the beginning of your career. 

To Namjoon, you always seemed to have the perfect—well, everything. The perfect walk for the red carpet, the perfect smile for all the flashing cameras, the perfect charisma to grace anyone throwing stale interview questions your way.

However, as he watches you now on the screen, he can see the stress eating away at your perfect image.

It can go unnoticed by the untrained eye, but by looking hard enough, Namjoon could tell how tense you were. By the way your jaw was set, how you keep slightly adjusting your thighs on the chair, the movement of your thumb smoothing out the back of your hand, you were nervous.

The feeling in his stomach immediately turns into regret, suddenly feeling bad for you. He knew the feeling all too well; trying to make a good impression while trying to keep decent composure. However, you were in your home country. These were talk shows you most likely grew up with. So you should know what to expect, right?

— + — + — + —

Only 5 minutes into the interview and you were already hit with the mundane questions about your group’s tour and the rising success you’ve encountered in the last year. You’ve managed to answer each question flawlessly with a few jokes sprinkled here and there which enticed the crowd even more.

All the while, the boys have been commentating on their ability to have a pretty good interview despite all the boring questions that were tossed in. They could tell you and the girls have been well prepared as they witness each member take turns answering each question eloquently. And in perfect English no less as Jungkook pointed out.

However with these types of interviews, they knew they couldn’t go without being asked some superficial question that was irrelevant to their careers. Glancing at the host, Namjoon noted the determined smirk set on her face. Subtle to the rest of the crowd, but he could sense she was trying to stir up some drama.

“Who wants to bet that they’ll be asked something stupid like our ‘rivalry?’” Taehyung jokingly offers to the group.

“Wait till she asks about an English single first, seems like the route she’s going next.” Jungkook challenges back, bringing the boys to a collective chuckle. 

“C’mon you guys that's enough, quit trying to place bets on their interview and just watch,” Namjoon offers as an attempt to join the conversation, plopping another chip in his mouth before continuing, “besides, she has to ask them about their boyfriends first.”

The room erupts with immediate laughter with a couple of the members smacking Namjoon for the out of pocket response. However it quickly dissipates with the approach of the host's next question—and Yoongi’s tired grumbling.

“So you’re not the only kpop group that’s dominating the charts right now. There’s also BTS-“ the host is cut off by the collective screams of the fans.

Taehyung claps and victoriously points to the tv. “Ha! I called it!”

Namjoon rolls his eyes and tries to analyze your face for any sort of reaction, although hard to do when the camera is always turned away from you. 

The studio audience manages to quiet down enough where the host can continue with her question. She notes how BTS and HELIOS are currently the two biggest Kpop groups who are experiencing the same climb of fame simultaneously then leads on with Taehyung’s predicted question of rivalry.

As the crowd goes wild with mixed reactions, the camera finally pans over to you and the girls. You all share the same awkward smile as you glance towards each other, contemplating your next move while you wait for the audience to calm down once more.

No one else probably wouldn’t have noticed, but Namjoon can clearly see the distress on your face masked by a charming smile. With this, Namjoon slightly leans forward in concentration, curious about what you will say next. He was genuinely unsure about your stance on the rivalry between the two groups, given that you’ve made your opinion on him quite clear in the past.

True to your fashion, you managed to dodge controversy by explaining the difference between your group and his. 

“Well, I guess our rise in fame can be seen as two different journeys for both of our groups. And honestly there’s not so much a rivalry as there is a mutual respect for one another as we both continue to grow in our own ways.” You offer with a nod.

Well, that response colored Namjoon impressed.

“But there’s gotta be some sort of rivalry going on between you guys.” The host adamantly continued to press on, looking at you in particular. “I mean there has to be some beef, I bet you’re just hiding it.”

The girls let out a shared awkward chuckle before Hyojin shot forward with her response with a raise of her hand.

“The only beef we have is Korean BBQ!” She proudly states with a quirk of her lips. The audience roars with cheer and laughter and the girls settle their nerves again.

“Wow, that was pretty good.” Jimin notes as he finishes another small chip bag.

The rest of the girls let out an earnest laugh at the joke made by their youngest before you pull in the reins and continue on with the interview.

“No, in all actuality we do admire them, BTS has been an inspiration to us and we’re honestly big fans of their music. We don’t get to see them often since we are both busy with our schedules but I can tell you they are the most down to earth, hard working people you’ll ever get to know.” You finish your final statement proudly with a genuine smile. A smile that causes Namjoon’s stomach to turn just a bit.

It’s all for show. He bitterly reminds himself. She doesn’t actually mean that, if she did she wouldn’t treat you the way she does.

The crowd cooes with a collective “awww” and gives the girls a round of applause before the host can move on to the next topic.

“You hear that hyung? Y/N doesn’t hate you, she looks up to you.” Jungkook snickers as he nudges his elder with his foot. Namjoon feigns a laugh before smacking his foot away.

Before Jungkook can retaliate, the host moves on to the next question.

“So, do y’all have any boyfriends?”

Namjoon's eyes widen, quickly searching for your face on the screen. He could practically see the color drain from your face as you’re caught off guard by the infamous “relationship question.”

“Hey Namjoon called it!” Hoseok laughs as he smacks their leader on the back.

Ignoring this, Namjoon furrows his brows as he maintains his focus on you, anticipating how you could dodge this controversial question. 

A beat passes before your expression suddenly shifts. A determined smirk grows on your face and you bite your bottom lip, a habit Namjoon has noticed from watching many of your interviews in the past few months. It increased his heart rate; you already had an answer ready, a good answer you knew you were confident in.

“C’mon now, you know we don’t have time for that. Besides, we're all married anyway!”

This throws the host in for a loop as her eyebrows shoot up to her hairline while the entire studio collectively gasps in shock. 

Jin suddenly chokes mid bite on his chip before clearing his throat. “Did she just say she was married!?” He is immediately shushed by the rest of the boys as they all anticipate the rest of the controversial topic.

Your group mates along with the rest of the studio share the same incomprehensible look on their faces as they stare at you with the word “marriage” hanging from your lips. After a pause the host finally speaks up.

“Wait, you're married?” 

Namjoon could basically feel the blood drain from his entire body. Married!? Why would you say you're married? Are you really? Was he missing something here? Did you have a secret wedding that he didn’t know about?

Suddenly, you let out a playful giggle as you flaunt your left hand, wiggling your ring adorned fingers at the host.

“Yeah! We’re married to the game of course!” Your smirk grows into a devious grin as the crowd is overcome with cheer and laughter.

A wave of relief rushes through Namjoon at the explanation, now connecting the pieces together as confused chatter rouses the hotel room.

“I have no idea what she means by that.” Grunts Yoongi from the comfortable side of his bed. The others turn to their leader for a better explanation.

“She means they’re dedicated to being an idol, it’s an American saying I guess.” Namjoon scratches the back of his head as he offers as a direct translation. The boys slowly nod their heads despite the shared confusion in the air.

"Well the crowd ate that shit up," Jungkook acknowledged. "Better than what we said," he snickered, poking at his hyung with his foot, "What did you tell her again?"

Namjoon shook his head, trying to forget the cringey moment he tried to dodge that question himself the last time they were on the show, "Man I don't know, I probably just bullshited an answer." 

"Yeah and then she scared the hell out of us!" Hoseok suddenly wails. 

"You mean she scared the hell out of you" Taehyung jabs back. The rest of the room erupts in snickers as they imitate Hoseok’s reaction to the jump scare prank they endured on the same show.

As the laughter starts to die down, the interview comes to a close with the host announcing HELIOS’ following performance.

“Well their interview was pretty good. I mean look how they handled each question! It’s better than anything I could come up with.” Jin comments, eliciting a mutual response from the rest of the boys.

“Yeah it was, but if you haven’t all noticed it’s late and we need to get up early tomorrow so we can head out on time.” Yoongi grumbles, finally signifying the end of their watch party.

The rest of the boys begin to clean up their mess and slowly shuffle out of the room to retire for the night. The last ones to linger while tidying up is the dutiful leader and the ever observant maknae who has definitely noticed his hyung hanging around the tv a little longer. 

Hardly containing his playful smile, Jungkook slyly moves past Namjoon for the trash can with the last of the garbage.

“Waiting for something on the tv hyung?”

Namjoon, who has kept himself a little too busy smoothing out the duvet as his eyes remain glued to the tv, finally snaps out of his trance. 

“What?”

The elder is dumbfounded, and Jungkook can only grin as he walks back over to his hyung, swinging an arm around his shoulder as he leads him to the door. 

“Don’t worry, you can still watch the performance before you go to bed. Let’s get you back so you don’t miss it.” Jungkook cheekily grins as he waves off the last member in the room.

“Goodnight hyung!”

“Turn the light off on your way out!” Yoongi shouts back, turning over under the covers to finally get some rest.

After stepping out into the hallway, Namjoon finally finds his voice and shakes off his maknae in embarrassment. 

“I’m not trying to watch their performance Jungkookie.” He tries to defend, although feeling silly for doing so anyway; he could practically feel his cheeks light up.

Jungkook stands in front of Namjoon, grin widening with new found knowledge, but opts for not pushing anything forward. He simply shrugs and turns on his heel towards his own room down the hall.

“Alright then, goodnight hyung!” Namjoon watches the youngest retreats with a slight bounce in his step before disappearing into one of the doors, leaving him alone with his thoughts.

I really wasn’t trying to, Namjoon attempts to reason with himself as he walks back to his own room. But even in his head, the defense sounds just as fake as he spoke it.

And it was true. Namjoon did end up under the covers watching HELIOS’ performance on his phone anyway, and there was hardly any time to feel bad about it.

What really occupied his mind, as he watched you perform with your unbeatable charisma and stage presence, was how you handled yourself during the interview. Namjoon was never going to admit it out loud, but he may have rewatched the recording of your interview right after the performance, rewinding and analyzing every single movement you made.

That’s when the first inkling of remorse for you began to bloom through his chest. He knew how tough interviews can be; regardless of being local or international. Saying the right thing at the right time was akin to an art form that was to be mastered after years of practice. And it may not matter how well versed you are in conversation, the unexpected could make any well prepared individual sit in dread as questions are being thrown at you left and right with no time to process them in your brain. 

Yet you handled each question with such wit and grace Namjoon almost couldn’t tell your nerves being noticeably out of your element. And for that, he couldn’t decide whether or not to just be impressed or want to comfort you; tell you that it was okay and you did far better than he could ever do himself. He bit his lip as he continuously taps the screen to fast forward; only stopping at the scene of your pink lips upturning in a smirk with your declaration of marriage, teasing the audience and nearly giving him a heart attack.

But what happened to never bothering with her ever again? The little voice in his head wanders back into his consciousness.

Namjoon pauses the video, your face freezing in the beautiful yet playful grin that grew on your face before you delivered the punchline. It takes him a moment to realize that he is indeed under the covers with his face inches from his phone, hiding like a prepubescent teen with a secret. The same position he was in the night he watched that Knowing Bros episode months ago.

That’s right, he was doing such a good job on the whole “not focusing on Y/N for the rest of his life” plan up until you popped right back up in his universe. He was even making progress with a girl who was definitely not you! All of it, thrown off by yet another interview with you being your usual charming self.

He quickly clicked his phone off and tossed it on the nightstand. Rolling on his back, he threw an arm over his eyes and steadied his breaths.

Okay, ignoring you completely had apparently done a number on his ego and the so-called “progress” he had on forgetting you had chucked itself out the window of whatever hotel floor he was currently on. So maybe the plan needed to be reevaluated. 

Maybe he didn’t need to completely shut you out of his life. Maybe he didn’t have to ignore your name if it came through on his social media feed or in general conversation. Did he have to talk to you or about you? Of course not. With his schedule and your attitude, he probably wouldn’t get the chance to do either for a long while anyway. 

But can he allow himself to be graced by your presence should he so happen to see a video or post about you online? 

Namjoon’s fingers immediately twitched with the urge to find his phone again. Resisting, he tossed himself over on his side away from the nightstand. 

Well… it’s not like you’re interacting directly with her anyway, no harm in that. He attempts to reason with the dark.

You along with HELIOS were growing bigger with each passing day, and there wouldn’t be a day where he wouldn’t witness your name in bright lights or across headlines. So why should he beat himself over when you reside with him in the same atmosphere?

It’s inevitable that he would always bump into you one way or another, it wouldn’t do him any good to continue running away from it. 

So with that, Namjoon lets himself sink into his hotel bed. He slowly closes his eyes on the decision of not complicating himself by completely blacklisting you from his life. He levels his breathing while mulling over not being guilty about any more thoughts of you.

Then eventually, he dozes off with your signature smile gleaming behind his eyelids, inviting him into sleep.

— + — + — + —

After leaving California and making headway through the rest of the North American leg of the tour, the boys finally found themselves in a steady rhythm of tour life. Scheduled filled days of back to back rehearsals and interviews and concerts were now part of an easy norm the boys finally had shifted into their daily lives, and not to mention all the off days they used to explore the area around them every time they reached a new city.

As for Namjoon, it was now easier managing work and personal time together when they blended easily into his daily routine. Especially since he finally let go of his gripe about forgetting you completely.

Another thing he wouldn’t ever admit to was the fact that he now made you somewhat a part of his daily routine as well.

Between working with the boys and texting Yerin on the down low, he’s made an unconscious routine to check up on HELIOS from time to time as you followed suit en route of your first world tour.

‘Which so happened to follow BTS’ route very closely,’ Namjoon slowly let himself believe every time he checked Twitter.

By the time they were in Chicago, tweets about HELIOS’ tour had slowly rotated into his algorithm after his private account—read: inconspicuous stan account—just so happened to like a few posts regarding their first interview where Y/N rocked the fan base with her declaration of “marriage”

“Y/N came to LA for BUSINESS AND BUSINESS ONLY” 

“The way Y/N said “fuck off with your rumors, we aint doin this shit today”

“But that face?? Her smirk???? She came for their THROATS”

“My girls said ‘we’re here for the bag. Nothing else.’”

Eventually, liking a few posts turned into liking concert fan cams to liking general fan edit videos to following popular HELIOS stan accounts, with most of those accounts centering around you of course.

When they got to New Jersey, Namjoon had finally subscribed to every official HELIOS account on social media, starting with their YouTube account where he found out you and your girls were actually documenting the tour with short clips of different momentous occasions.

That’s when Namjoon had begun to view Y/N in a new light. 

One of the first few episodes featured a very heartfelt point of view from Y/N finally returning to her home country for the first time since she left years ago to train in the industry.

“Am I glad to be back home? Yeah of course,” Namjoon watched Y/N sigh to the vlog camera one night. It was the night of their last concert in LA and the next venue was near your hometown.

“Actually, we’re going to my hometown next, that’s where the next show is, but um…” You look away in thought, but your lips turn in a pained smile. 

“My family said they wouldn’t be able to come, and management said I’d be too busy to find time to see them.” You sigh in frustration, but quickly shake it off with a brave smile on your face.

“So I’ll be doing my absolute best for them! And for you guys! We’ll see you there!”

Your declaration left Namjoon’s heart in the pit of his stomach until he was able to watch the next episode on his way to Brazil a week later.

He witnessed a whole montage of a secret plan the rest of HELIOS carried out to surprise you with a welcome home party and all of your family members in attendance. 

Although it could’ve been arguably cruel to watch your bandmates record you rehearsing your frustrations out—and secretly snicker about it on the side— it was worth to see you complete overcome with joy when you were led into the hotel’s banquet hall by Yuna and Sumi as Hyojin led your entire family in surprising you.

Namjoon also may or may not have shed a tear when he saw you collapse into your parents arms, sobbing with them as you were finally reunited after so many years.

When they left Brazil for Europe, Namjoon had seen almost 20 different angles of your performances as well as your leader persona in action during rehearsals for your concerts. As lead dancer of the group, the tour vlogs consisted of a lot of direction and guidance of your group mastering each choreo for your setlist. You were a model leader, making sure you supported and guided your group to give their best performance. 

Some might call it alluring when in every fancam, you moved with such control and grace, belting your power vocals as you thrive in your “girl crush” persona. Every fancam Namjoon came across had the audience falling head over heels every time you dropped it low and rolled your body and hips to the beat of the song—something he definitely didn’t let his eyes linger on for longer than he should’ve while rewatching his favorite videos.

This was fine. He kept you at arms length like he wanted, letting himself fall curious as to what you were doing as an idol but not having to interact with you directly. This was definitely a healthy balance for him to manage. Plus you were a common topic for him and Yerin to converse about; HELIOS was one of her favorite girl groups and what kind of man would he be if he didn’t immerse himself in his lovely lady-friend’s interests?

But as Day 2 for Wembley in London rolled around, Namjoon kept himself so preoccupied with catching up on your weekly vlogs, concert fan cams, and personal Vlives, he completely missed the memo that your tour paths had crossed with his.

And you were in town for their last concert in the UK.

— + — + — + —

“Have you noticed him looking for you?” 

“Him who?” 

“Y'know who.”

You groan and roll your eyes, fighting hard to not to make it look like you were searching for the specific pair Sumi’s been teasing you about for the last hour and a half of the concert.

“You’re hallucinating, he doesn’t know we’re up here.” You try to reason as you maintain your attention Jimin’s solo and not on an annoying maknae who’s two seconds away from getting a fat slap to the face.

“Yeah you keep telling yourself that, but the boys know we’re here and out of seven heads there was only one who kept looking up at our private box.” Sumi snickers. 

Hyojin’s giggling cuts through your moment of internal rage to defend you. “C’mon Sumi, leave unnie alone.”

She gets up and motions for Sumi to follow her back inside, but not before leaning over to whisper in your ear.

“It’s okay, you can admit that you were watching him, I’m pretty he’s looking for you too.”

You move to lunge for the younger girls as they collectively snicker and run out of the way into the box for more food, leaving you to slowly settle back down in your seat and throw your arms crossed over your chest, growling like some deranged animal.

They’re lying. They're definitely lying. There was no way he knew you were up here.

How you ended up at the last concert you ever wanted to attend, you still don’t know. 

Well no—actually you do know, Jina unnie basically told you you had to go.

Regardless, you slowly slump further down in your chair, forcing yourself to at least enjoy the part of the show where he wasn’t on stage.

“Out of all of my off days…” you let yourself sink into self pity before you feel a figure settle next to you, then a quick pinch to the shell of your ear. 

Yelping in shock, you repel back as you shield your ear away from your offender. Yuna, suspect number one, cocks a brow back your way while making herself comfortable next to you. 

“That was fucking rude.” You mumble under your breath, but does not go unnoticed as Yuna swats your arm.

“No, the attitude you’ve had since we got here is rude.” 

“But did we really have to come!? It’s our day off and we could be off doing something else!” You whine out loud, Yuna snaps her head at you with a dirty look.

“And do what Y/N? Rehearse until you injure yourself?” Yuna fires back, “You’ve done nothing but practice and rehearse for every concert with no time to really relax!”

At that, you say nothing and keep your blank gaze directed towards the stage as Jimin wraps up his set. What could you say? All you knew is that you were at a BTS concert that you didn’t want to be at. However, Yuna already knew all of this and decided that it was time to probe your brain for more information.

“I know you’re not pouting over the fact that we were sent to BTS’ concert, you talk to Jungkook and Taehyung too much to hate it here.” She continues to prod, instigating an impromptu intervention. “So what’s the real issue here?”

The problem is you know what the real issue is. You and everyone else who has been in your presence for the last few years knows you don’t hate BTS entirely. 

They, as a whole, weren’t the problem.

Slowly the lights change and the familiar chords of a piano sound through the speakers. A chill rolls down your spine as you feel your heart rate increase with the cheering crowd. You just realized who the next solo is.

Sure enough, Namjoon emerges from beneath the stage with a bright smile, addressing the crowd for his solo. You involuntarily flush at his profile appearing on the big screen as he raps the first lines of “Trivia: Love.”

“Ah, there it is.” Yuna slyly whispers in your ear.

You recede back into your seat again, now in embarrassment as you cower away from the direction of your elder and the man on stage.

Yuna laughs lightheartedly, knowing too well of your issues as your main confidant. At this point you’re sure she’s just abusing her knowledge just to tease you.

“You can’t hide from me Y/N, so spill. What’s your problem with Namjoon this time?”

You weigh the options between confronting your personal issues with her now and continue to stay silently or endure the torment of mockery from your girls and the man who is unknowingly the source of your first world problems.

Well being teased for the rest of the night wouldn’t be ideal.

You let out a deep sigh, refusing to look at Yuna and opting to just watch Namjoon perform. “I had a conversation with Johnny before we left, he thinks I’m jealous of Namjoon.”

“I mean, you make it pretty obvious.” Yuna wastes no time with being blunt.

“Well damn should I just write it on my forehead then!?” You bark back.

“Hey! Yelling at me over your unnecessary beef with a man you hardly ever talk to isn’t going to solve your problems.” She sizes you back down with a hard voice. You freeze, then settle back in your seat, mumbling an apology. Once you’ve calmed down, she prods again with a softer voice.

“Tell me what you’re thinking, are you really jealous of Namjoon and everything?”

You still refuse to look at her, continuing to watch Namjoon glide around the stage rapping about his declaration of love. Even without the cameras trained on his face, you can see his brilliant grin from your box as he lets himself go with the music. The heat starts to pool into your cheeks.

He really looks beautiful

Yuna nudges you out of your trance, repeating her question again. 

Oh yeah, you were talking. You comb your brain for a sensible response but you’re slightly surprised to find it’s a bit difficult to concentrate as you watch Namjoon down below.

“I- I guess I am? But I know I shouldn’t and it’s stupid. But I can’t help but have these...feelings? Like I'm feeling something and I don’t know what those feelings are…” You begin to babble, but ultimately your words die down on your tongue as your attention refocuses back on Namjoon.

It wasn’t a lie, he really did look beautiful down there in his element—on stage. With the way he pours out his passion into his performance, anyone could tell Namjoon was born to perform. It almost made you… calm? Content? Almost serene in a way. It wasn’t just a song he was performing, it was almost like he was having a conversation; telling his audience, ARMYs, that he truly loved them.

You inadvertently lock eyes with him through the big screen as he raps for the camera, chanting his message of love with the crowd.

Somewhere deep inside, something yearns for that message to be for you as well.

He’s wrapping up the bridge and slowing down for the refrain. Unlike the other solos you’ve seen from the boys, Namjoon’s stage only accounted for him with the props limited to the AR visuals that accompanied him on the screens. 

You watch him as he plays with the virtual lights that move under his command, forming into hearts, all while he raps of love. You’ve heard this solo many times in passing, but something about witnessing it live ramps up your heart rate with the energy of the stadium. The last beats of the refrain pump through your blood as it finally drops with Namjoon leading into the final chorus.

The entire conversation of “feelings” is ultimately lost as Yuna, who hasn’t stopped staring at you since you’ve trailed off, watches you completely enraptured in Namjoon’s performance. The lights dance off your face as she studies the soft look that follows the man on stage. In the years she’s known you, she had never seen that look on you before, and definitely not for the man that you’ve claimed as your enemy.

This was completely different. An utterly vulnerable moment where you’ve dropped all your walls and have exposed your true emotions. And with Yuna being the eldest and—self proclaimed—wisest of the group, she doesn’t push forward on it. Instead, she leans back in her seat as the song ends with Namjoon’s final lines. Stealing one last look from you, she confirms everything from the longing look in your eyes to the small but genuine smile that graces your lips.

Yuna grins to herself, locking this information away for the future.

— + — + — + —

“Wait, so they were THERE?” Namjoon desperately tries to confirm with anyone in the car of this newfound information.

He absolutely had no idea that you and the girls were at Wembley. And to be honest, he was kind of disappointed he was only hearing about this on his ride to the airport en route to Paris.

Or was he disappointed you didn’t come see them backstage afterwards?

“Yes they were there, but they had to leave at the end of the show since they had an early schedule the next day.” An assistant sitting in the passenger seat of the shared van responds. “...Although, we did tell you guys in the wrap up meeting before you left for the hotel.”

Namjoon blinks, then swiftly turns to Hoseok seated to his right.

“Hob-ah, they told us?” Hoseok splits into a grin at the urgent tone of his leader's voice.

“Yes Joon, they were there. Weren’t you paying attention?”

Namjoon falls back into his seat as he racks his brain for the lost memory. The aftermath of Wembley D2 was a complete blur; they finished the show strong, grouped up backstage, were ushered back to the hotel to pack and rest, then left this morning.

We’re his days blurring together again?

Namjoon sat confused until his phone buzzed in his pocket. He pulled it out to see a message from Hoseok. He turned to the man in question, but only found him tapping away on his own screen as Namjoon's phone buzzed twice more.

Hoseok: You sure you don’t remember?

Hoseok: Maybe this might jog your memory

Hoseok: 😮🤳😂🤳😍🤳🥵😩🤤🤪❤️❤️❤️❤️

Namjoon stares at the string of emojis before turning back to Hoseok.

“What the hell is all that?”

“C’mon, try to use that big brain of yours at least,” Hoseok snickers as he types something else, then finally turns to meet his leader's confused glare with wiggling eyebrows. “Or is it occupied with a certain girl group you’re suddenly interested in?”

Namjoon brows only furrow deeper. “What are you on about? Just tell me.”

Hoseok raises a hand in mock surrender before typing away at his phone again. “Listen, there’s nothing to be ashamed of. You shouldn’t have to hide the fact that you’re a HALO now.  At least not from us.”

At this, Namjoon flushes and quickly jumps on the defense. “I have no idea what you’re talking about, where the hell did you get this from?”

Hoseok cocks an eyebrow in retaliation. “Seriously? You don’t know? Shall I shed some sun-light on this situation?”

Before Namjoon could interject, a ping signifying an invite to a new group chat sounds off on his phone. Reluctantly, Namjoon accepts the invite and groans at the sight of its name.

INTERVENTION ROOM: JOON IS NOW A HELIOS STAN

Hoseok: He’s here!

Jimin: FINALLY

Taehyung: About time lol

Jungkook: lmaoooo

Jin: Hobi I TOLD you we weren’t ready for him yet

Jin: We we’re supposed to do this when we got to the hotel

Hoseok: He was asking questions! I thought this would be a better time!

Jin: NOT ON OUR PHONES IN SEPARATE CARS ON THE WAY TO THE AIRPORT

Hoseok: 🤷🏻‍♂️

Namjoon: Guys is this really necessary?

Jungkook: Yes

Jimin: Yep

Taehyung: Honestly, I’m just here for the entertainment 😀

Yoongi: I agree with Joon, I don’t think this is remotely necessary

Namjoon: THANK YOU hyung

Yoongi: Sure thing. I’m gonna take a nap now, have fun tearing him apart

Namjoon: Hyung wtf

Jin: Namjoon we’re not tearing you apart, we’re just simply weighing in on a possible obsession you have

Jungkook: Do you know how many fancams he’s liked on Twitter and Insta? It’s more than just an “obsession” hyung

Namjoon: Kook have you been spying on my phone?

Jimin: Well is it really spying when you’re literally watching Y/N wind her hips in 5 different angles out in the open?

Taehyung: OOH CALLED OUT

Namjoon: Okay I’m out, thanks for having me

Jungkook: Laaame. We haven’t even talked about who your potential bias is

Taehyung: I still got my money on Yuna

Jimin: Nah, it’s definitely Y/N

Namjoon: I said I’m out

Yoongi: Y/N is definitely Joon’s type

Hoseok: THE WISE MAN HAS SPOKEN

Namjoon didn’t even bother to read the rest of the conversation as he removed himself from the group and silenced his phone. He promptly shoved it back in his pocket, ignoring the disgruntled sounds of disapproval from Hoseok, and settled for watching the highway zip by through the window. 

So now Namjoon is aware that he hasn’t been all too careful with his deep dive into the HELIOS fandom, but he was more surprised over the fact he was caught lurking on HALO stan accounts and not with texting Yerin.

Which now that he remembers; that was the last person he was actually talking to since the show ended. 

— + — + — + —

“-and so I guess they just happened to look over my shoulder everytime HELIOS was on my timeline.” Namjoon sheepishly admits to the phone as he takes a seat while rubbing the towel over his damp hair. Lithe laughter sounds from the speaker as Namjoon relaxes into his chair with a soft smile.

“Sounds to me you do have an obsession,” Yerin chuckles on the screen, resting her chin on her hand. “Why would you have so many posts about HELIOS on your feed if you didn’t? Didn’t you know social media is always tailored to your most current hyperfixations?”

Namjoon snorts and lolls his head back, a totally inconspicuous way to show off his shirtless chest fresh out of the shower. “Oh please, they’re one of the two biggest Kpop groups currently on world tour with similar routes, people are bound to either talk about us or them.”

Yerin hums in response, arching an eyebrow. “Someone’s a little cocky.”

Albeit trying his hardest to flaunt his confidence, Namjoon feels the heat creep across his cheeks as he moves to sit up right. He’s still not used to flirting with someone like Yerin.

In fact, finding time to actually video call Yerin was very few and far between, so it was rare for Namjoon to hold a casual conversation with her that wasn’t through written word. Even still, seeing her still brought out the embarrassingly giddy side of him trying a little too hard to impress a pretty girl he’s come to like.

If he could slap himself directly, he definitely wouldn’t hesitate to do so. How old was he? 14?

Can anyone blame you? The little voice in his head creeps in. Just look at her.

Even dressed down in a messy bun and lounge clothes, Namjoon thought of her as the essence of perfection. Stunningly beautiful. Downright sexy. Amazing humor and intelligence. Absolutely everything he wanted in a woman. He absolutely could not afford to look like a fool in front of her.

Yerin looks away at her computer off screen to click at a few things, no doubt tinkering with the next hit for her current client, then stretches out her exhaustion, yawning before turning back to Namjoon. Suddenly he feels guilty.

“Are you tired?” Checking the clock in his hotel room, Namjoon tries to calculate the current time in his home country on his hand. “Isn’t it late for you right now? you should go to bed.”

Yerin sighs and shakes her head. “Nah, it’s not that late. Besides, I wanna keep talking to you.”

Namjoon only smiles, and awkwardly turns his head away, unsure of what else to talk about. There’s a stretch of silence. Yerin stares at Namjoon through the screen as he busies himself with nothing in particular, waiting for him to carry on. However the awkward pause lingers on until Yerin clears her throat. 

“So, will you be seeing them in concert? Since your tour routes are headed the same way?”

Namjoon snaps his head back at attention, “Who?”

Yerin can only chuckle. “HELIOS silly, y’know since you’re such a big fan now.”

Namjoon suddenly flashes back to his fumble in the car ride to the airport earlier that morning, making him inwardly cringe.

“Actually they were at our concert last night, they’re having their London concert right now, I think.” Yerin feigns an overactive gasp.

“You mean to tell me they went to your concert and you didn’t get me an autograph?”

“To be fair, they left right after the show since they had an early schedule the next day.” Namjoon scratches the back of his head before continuing, “...and I didn’t find out they attended until this morning.”

Yerin lets out a laugh. “Wait, they didn’t tell you?” 

Namjoon only bites his lip and shakes his head, trying to build up his flirty confidence again.

“Apparently I was too distracted by a lovely woman on my phone that I didn’t catch them talking about it.” Namjoon flashes his best smile. Yerin raises a teasing one of her own.

“Who? Your HELIOS bias that keeps gracing your twitter feed?” Namjoon sputters, prompting Yerin to let out another laugh. “I bet it’s Yuna huh? I always thought she was the prettiest.”

Namjoon scoffs at the absurdity, first his bandmates, now the girl he’s trying to impress. “I don’t think Yuna would be the type to date men younger than her.”

Yerin shrugs with a wink, “Hey, you never know.”

They share a short laugh before the conversation dies down again. Yerin yawns again, signifying how late it is for her. Namjon takes this as the perfect time to end the call.

“Anyway, it’s really late for you. I’d hate for you to be sleep deprived because of me.” He urges her earnestly. Yerin doesn’t decline this time, and nods her head in agreement.

“Yeah I know, I just really like talking to you.” This makes Namjoon’s heart skip a beat.

“I know, I do too.”

“Well, I’ll talk to you later?” 

Namjoon smiles earnestly and nods his head. “Of course.”

They both bid their good nights before the call ends, leaving Namjoon to stare blankly at his home screen. Although successfully being able to hold a—somewhat—face to face conversation with Yerin, he couldn’t help but feel just as awkward as he did talking with her just moments ago.

I’m just off my game. He hypes his self assurance up. He’s been so caught up in the world of being a global icon that it’s been a while since he’s had to charm a potential partner, he’s normally not so awkward where he doesn’t know how to hold a simple conversation.

Namjoon sighs, chewing the inside of his cheek as he stares off into the Parisian view from his hotel room. He’s just…stressed. Yeah, that’s it. So stressed due to being on tour for a little over a month now and having to deal with everything that comes with it, totally a valid reason behind why he’s suddenly getting tongue talking to a beautiful woman. With everything going on, there has been little time to just let himself go and relax.

Namjoon shakes his head and runs a stressed hand through his hair, eyeing the phone that was left propped up on the table.

Biting his bottom lip, he contemplates his next moves carefully. He’s a grown man in the privacy of his own suite in a fancy hotel, he’s allowed to indulge in his needs once in a while, right? Couldn’t he just take the edge off for a few minutes before he had to go back to being a professional? For the sake of relaxing, of course.

Feeling his hand twitch at his side, he eyes the phone again, then the door to his room across from him.

No one should be bothering me for the rest of the night anyway…

There’s little room for argument before he’s snatching up his phone and cutting the lights before diving under the covers.

In half a second he’s already pulling up the app and scrolling through Twitter, fancams of your performance gracing his timeline. It was now your turn to take on London for your tour, and considering how late it was getting, it must’ve been well into the setlist of your show.

Sure enough, different angles of your London show start rotating into his feed. He’s seen enough videos of your setlist to know which songs were already performed. Scrolling down, he watches as you and the girls party it up on stage. All laughs and smiles as you let yourself go on stage, completely engulfed in the performance. What once had unjustifiably bothered him before now brought comfort and joy to his demanding schedule and it was something he decided he can indulged in at the end of the day when he was finally all alone, because the last thing he needed was another teasing remark from any bandmate claiming he was neck deep in the HELIOS craze.

But that wasn’t the case. Your group just happened to pop up on his feed for every social app he pulled up, and he just happened to like all of the videos that portrayed HELIOS’ creative output. He was an artist too, he can appreciate his fellow colleagues and their own work every once in a while. 

The most important thing was that he was still keeping you at arms length like he promised himself. Your place in his life was still the same as it was before; another idol in the industry that he would cross paths with once in a blue moon. You never created a HALO out of him; he was just conveniently following the most popular HELIOS stan accounts to view your progress, merely recognizing every HELIOS related video that came his way, simply valuing all the HELIOS songs that cycled through his Spotify recommendations, knowing only enough about you and the members to debunk all the rumors that floated around you and your career.

He scoffed. Obsessed fan? No, that was his sister. Kim Namjoon was an artist appreciating another colleague in his space. Nothing more, nothing less. 

His train of thought stopped at a still image of you; it was new, something unrecognizable from the setlist he’s memorized.

It was followed by an onslaught of gifs—gifs already? That was fast—with a clearer view of a new outfit that was definitely not in the setlist he memorized.

You’re strutting down the catwalk easily with your heels, all black attire. Your signature look which you’ve carried since your debut.

Then he saw the first video.

The same scene of you strutting, but this time with sound. After tuning into your voice from the screams and cries of the crowd, he learned that the song was your solo from your latest album, and this was the first time you’ve performed it.

It was a slow r&b beat but overlaid with your power vocals, an instant hit on your album and something the crowd was dying to see live on account of their reactions. You reveled in the performance, moving smoothly to the melody as the crowd waved their lightsticks in sync to the rhythm, singing along with you. 

It was a captivating sight, but Namjoon would never openly admit that your performance bloomed an unfamiliar warmth in his body. He’s seen you perform before, plenty of times as a matter of fact, but this was the first time he’s experienced any symptoms. Seeing your bright smile as you command the crowd to wave along with you while bopping to the beat left goosebumps to raise across his arms. His heart raced hearing your smooth voice dip into a growl as you belt the chorus. He was even finding it hard to swallow every time you flashed your signature smirk to the crowd.

He quickly shuts his phone off and pushes it out of reach. That was… an odd reaction.

Quickly shaking it off, he curls up on the side of the bed opposite from where he left his phone, signaling his body to start going to sleep.

Reacting to the way you performed meant nothing, he was only admiring how passionate you are as a singer. The sudden increase in heart rate? That was just him feeding off of your energy on stage. The goosebumps on his arms? The song was just remixed well for the concert. Swallowing hard at your smile? Ah hell, he’s a simple man. He can recognize a beautiful woman regardless if she doesn’t return the sentiment.

Then his mood drops, remembering where he started from. That’s right, even after everything, you still don’t like him.

Well no matter, Namjoon thinks as he slowly drifts to sleep. It’s nothing to worry about. It’s not like you’re someone who’s meant to be present in her life. Arms length away is all you need.

— + — + — + —

September 2019

Rushing to make it back to the dressing room, Namjoon follows the boys as they round the corner of the backstage hall before hearing the faint sounds of…crying?

Well that’s odd, no one should be back here.

He pauses for a moment, watching his bandmates disappear around the adjoining hall, then slowly back tracks and walks the opposite direction, silently moving closer until he hears a worried voice over unsettled sobs. 

“Just stay here okay? Don’t move, I’ll get you water.” A woman’s voice hushes reassurance to her companion before the quick clicking of heels echo down the other end of the hall.

Before deciding against making this situation any of his concern, he peers around the corner to see an empty corridor with nobody around but a girl sitting hunched over her lap, body wracked with violent sobs.

Oh fuck. 

Namjoon is at a loss.

Here he is, standing in an abandoned hallway with a stranger having a complete breakdown right in front of him. Just your normal Saturday afternoon.

Namjoon has absolutely know idea what to do, fidgeting awkwardly in place, undecided if he should try to help the girl or turn around and just walk away like nothing ever happened. He was supposed to be back in the dressing room in less than 20 minutes to pack up and leave. Did he even have time to try to console a complete stranger right now?

While trying to figure out the most ethical and guilt free approach, Namjoon pauses upon closer inspection of the girl.

She’s not dressed in everyday clothes nor any staff uniform. The sequined wrapped dress down to the designer heels and mic pack still hooked up to the waist was a dead give away for Namjoon to recognize it was another idol.

However, the outfit and the heels begin to look familiar as he feels himself walking closer to her. And even before he even thinks to try to turn back at this point, he’s already in front of her, kneeling down quietly and placing a gentle hand on her shoulder.

The body reacts violently to the touch as they both jump back; Namjoon with his hands raised in mercy, face to face with the bewildered eyes of…

“…Y/N?” Namjoon calls out to you softly. 

Up until this point, Namjoon couldn’t think of anything more terrifying than the scene before him; your arms violently gripping your upper body, caging your chest to keep your lungs from bursting from all of the deep uneven breaths you took, eyes blown wide and confused as you hold Namjoon’s concerned gaze. 

He can practically see the realization wash over you as you recognize that the person in front of you is probably the last person on earth you’d want to see right now.

You drop your gaze as your breathing starts to become erratic, you look anywhere but the man in front of you and squeeze yourself tight, yet you don’t move from the seat he found you in. Then it clicks. 

You’re having a panic attack.

“Hey, nonono it’s okay.” Namjoon begins to coo. He places just the tips of his fingers atop your knee and your eyes snap back to his. 

Your vision focuses on Namjoon’s gentle gaze as he looks up at you with hooded eyes, almost urging you to stay grounded with him.

The uneven sobbing slows just a bit as Namjoon takes both of his hands and places them upright before you, allowing you the chance to deny him should you want to. 

“Can I try to help you?”

Yuna left you here to get water and you’re all alone with your sworn enemy while your heart is threatening to beat out of your chest.

“Y/N, I need you to try to take deep breaths now, okay?”

It’s hard to hear the man in front of you with your pulse beating so loud in your ears. But he’s saying something. You see his mouth move and he tries to keep his eyes locked with yours.

“Deep breathes. I’ll do it with you, okay?” He repeats directly to you.

The message finally gets across as you will yourself to establish composure. You squeeze your eyes shut and nod frantically, sobs still trembling through your form.

When you open your eyes, you see Namjoon’s waiting hands turned upwards before you, still giving you the option to use him as leverage. Hiccupping, you slip your hands in his and he’s careful to accept them. 

The first thing you notice about his hands is they’re huge. Even his thumbs that are stroking the back side of your palms takes up most of the surface area. And they’re… soft. It begins to comfort you in a way you would’ve never thought. 

“Okay,” your eyes shoot back up to the sound of his voice. His hooded eyes never seemed to leave you.

“Slow breaths in through your nose, and push them out through your mouth. Do as many as you can, we’ll do it together.”

You inherently grip his hands in response. He gives you a soft smile in return.

In counts of four, you follow his lead in taking long deep breaths with closed eyes. You start off shaky between your sobs, but slowly begin to relax into yourself. All the while, you begin to reality crawl back to your senses. 

You’re backstage in a hallway somewhere in the music show studio. You were walking back to your dressing room worried about something you couldn’t even recall. Yuna was chasing after you, trying to get you to calm down before you got way too deep in your own head, but it was already too late. 

You remember your voices were raised, arguing over something so insignificant now—you could kick yourself for realizing the way you treated your unnie when she was only trying to help. Not long after that you were becoming hysterical, heart rate and breathing ramping up as you fell into panic. 

Yuna ushered you to sit down and breathe as your body was assaulted with uncontrollable sobs and told you to stay put as she got you water.

Then Namjoon appeared.

The last person on this earth who you would think to see kneeling in front of you and offering you help at your most vulnerable, and you calmed down faster than any method or technique that was taught to you by your therapist in the last 3 years. Kim Namjoon; who’s kneeling before you, hands holding yours, coaching you to breathe with closed eyes and a soft voice.

Even with it happening right in front of you, you still couldn’t believe it.

Namjoon notices the lack of uneven breaths from you and opens his eyes to meet your gaze. You’re wide eyed, cheeks stained with your tears as your glossy stare holds his.

“Better now?” He asks quietly, still letting his thumbs glide over the tops of your hands.

Unable to voice any words, you opt for nodding a yes. He grins in response and your brain stops. The first thing you notice is his dimples, adorning each side of a perfect smile. It’s the only thing you can focus on until it's slowly ripped away from you as he gets up from the ground.

“I was worried for a sec, I thought I was going to need to call management or something.” He chuckles awkwardly, placing a hand behind his neck.

You look down at his other hand, still holding yours. Your muddled brain trying to make sense of it all, but only coming up with the conclusion that if he lets go of you, you might spiral out of control again.

And the concern must’ve been written all over your face because he’s level with your face again after pulling a chair up to seat himself across from you, all while never letting go of your hand.

“Is… Everything okay?” Namjoon is cautious to ask.

You grit your teeth and shake your head, trying to wave off your current situation like it’s nothing.

“I don’t think you’d get it if I tried to tell you.”

Namjoon nods slowly, “Yeah you’re probably right.” You lock eyes with him as he gives you a half smile for reassurance.

“It’s not my place to ask, and you’re not obligated to share anything. I just heard someone crying and I thought I could help.” He shrugged, glancing down at your joined hands before looking back up at you. “Did you want to be alone now?”

You felt your head shake ‘no’ before you could voice an answer.

“Then I won’t go.” Namjoon responds softly.

The two of you sat in the hallway in comfortable silence, and not once did he dare to let go of your hand. It was soft in his grasp, and he allowed himself to selfishly rub his thumb over the back of your hand as you stare off into the distance. It was rather odd—being in this situation—comforting the lone woman who swore him off as her competition while he watched her from afar. But the silence was fine for him; there didn’t need to be any conversation if it wasn’t warranted, so long as it made you feel better.

Seconds tick by before another word is spoken, almost barely above a whisper.

“How do you do it?” Namjoon’s eyes snap up to you, still staring away from him as you repeat your question. “Be such a successful leader, how do you do it so effortlessly?”

Namjoon is taken aback by the sudden inquiry. Last time he checked, he was always at his wits end as a leader. Was there even such a thing as doing it successfully?

“I… don’t know what you mean by that.” Namjoon tiptoes around his response carefully. “I barely consider myself successful, let alone being able to do it effortlessly.”

You scoff, lifting one corner of your mouth in a sardonic smile. “Don’t act bashful now, I mean you just won Inkigayo for the umpteenth time.”

Namjoon presses his lips in a thin line, the real Y/N was bound to come out and bite sooner or later.

“Y/N, when have I ever said I was a successful leader?”

“You never needed to, everything you do says it for you.”

Namjoon flinches back from the acidity of your tone as you drop the accusation on him. “Y/N…”

“Listen, forget I asked…” You begin to back pedal, but Namjoon calls you back with a deep voice. You falter, seeing the seriousness embedded in his hooded eyes.

“There’s no secret to being an effortlessly successful leader, I would think you’d know that as much as I do.” He holds your gaze as he does your hand while you remain too stunned to say anything.

“Success doesn’t come from winning every music show award. It comes in the form of ensuring our members are happy and taken care of. To make sure whatever we create is done with enough love and care so our fans can enjoy it. To be mindful of how we take care of ourselves at the end of the day because we know that this role and title is anything but effortless, it’s pure hard work.”

He gathers both of your hands in his as he places his elbows on his knees, leaning forward face to face with you.

“And if that’s the criteria for success, then I’d say you’ve been managing well.”

Tears prick at your eyes as his gaze softens on you.

“From what I’ve seen, you do everything in your power to make everyone else happy. But while that can be admirable in itself, what’s left for you in the end? To be stressed out and upset over everything else you can’t accomplish? Y/N you’re only human, and you already do so much for others, you can’t forget about yourself.

“Don’t carry the world on your shoulders just because you hold the “leader” title. It took me years to figure that out, and even more to learn how to lean on the ones who make me a successful one. No battle is worth fighting alone, especially when you have people to fight with you.”

There’s nothing else you can say as you let Namjoon’s words settle into your skin. It sounded so…right. He addressed the very problem plaguing your entire existence and you didn’t even have to tell him word for word. He just…knew. He understood. And he didn’t reprimand or belittle you for anything.

In that moment, you’ve finally realized you were dead wrong about Kim Namjoon all along. 

You cast your gaze down to look at your joined hands once again. He doesn’t make any moves to leave, so you two sit there with the conversation left in the air around you.

“Hey..” You mumble, eyes still trained on your connected hands. 

He hums in response, looking up to see you harshly wipe away the streaks of tears on your cheeks. Never had he seen you so lonely before.

“Don’t… tell anyone you found me like this?” The request was meek and made you feel small, but Namjoon one houses your hands in his.

“Of course, Y/N.” His deep voice reverberates through your body, leaving you feeling safe and secure.

Maybe you can trust him, just this once.

— + — + — + —

The sight around the corner of the hallway was more than enough for Yuna to stop dead in her tracks, the biting chill from the water bottle in her hands long forgotten as her mouth curls into delighted grin.

Y/N and Namjoon sitting alone together; albeit in silence, but their joined hands between them spoke volumes of confirming her suspicions.

This is playing out a lot better than I could imagine it.

She gives them at least ten more minutes before calling out to make her presence known.

[shitswiftiessay]

Anon is so fucking far off I feel the need to comment. she’s been anything BUT respectful to joe after the breakup, and she does things that she KNOWS will incite her fans against joe.

first of all she doesn’t have to speak to send a message and she knows it; she has a PR team and sycophant friends to do all her dirty work for her. she can get keleigh teller to like tik tok videos implying that joe was abusive and get all her fans to attack joe. she doesn’t even have to lift a fucking finger.

it only took days after the breakup for taylor’s team to start spreading the narrative that joe was a misogynistic pig of a boyfriend who didn’t like his girlfriend being more famous than him. her fans immediately started sending him death threats. taylor never ONCE made any kind of effort to clear the air on that despite initial reports that it was an “amicable” split.

and then we had “the great unfollowing” when taylor got all of her friends to unfollow joe, after cheating rumors which were STARTED BY SWIFTIES after his co-star posted a fucking scooter picture, she met up with her “squad” at dinner outings and pap walks and got them all to unfollow him, one by one after making sure the paparazzi took pictures of taylor with her friends. this of course led to speculation that joe did something terrible to make everyone unfollow him and thus, more death threats ensued.

and speaking of cheating rumors, I know you swifties are desperate to forget that matty healy ever happened, but i’m not gonna let you forget it, because it turns out that taylor’s team announced the breakup ON HIS FUCKING BIRTHDAY.

please tell me on what fucking PLANET it is respectful to announce the breakup with your ex on your new man’s birthday, weeks before hard-launching that relationship and then talking about how you’re the happiest you’ve ever been, in ALL aspects of your life, now that you’re with him. that is undeniable shade to joe who she’d spent almost 7 years with, to say she’s the happiest she’s ever been now that he’s out of the picture.

and she said “i love you” to him on stage, i won’t let y’all forget about that either, you can say it wasn’t a real romance like taylor’s PR team is desperate for you to believe, but that’s bullshit.

she also made some not-so-subtle jabs during speeches at her shows about teaching men how to apologize and “this is how you propose, it’s really not that HARD” and released a song about how joe wouldn’t marry her. which of course, led to more harassment and death threats toward joe.

and she’s also milked the shit out of that song You’re Losing me, releasing it at strategic times when Joe has been spotted out at events. it’s almost as if she WANTS her fans to harass him after he’s been out at these events, and especially if he’s been getting good press.

and right after the release of YLM on spotify, she liked this tweet FROM 2022 , because it seemed like it was really important to make sure her fans knew that this love song speculated to be about joe was NOT, in fact about him. she could have said that back in 2022 when the midnights album was first released but the timing of it is extremely petty. she wants her fans to hate joe now, so obviously she won’t let her fans think a certain love song is about him.

and she also talked about being lonely and drinking her weight in wine while writing folklore and evermore (two albums she claims to have written with joe), which was another not so subtle dig at her ex, because she KNEW her swifties were gonna be like “that piece of shit made taylor feel LONELY when they were together! let’s kill him!” and that’s exactly how they responded.

also, her time person of the year award was literally full of not so subtle shade and digs against joe. she willingly promoted the swiftie narrative that she was “locked away” in a foreign country by joe, and implied that her time dating him was a waste of time. which, once again, incited her fans to harass and threaten him. but yeah, taylor’s been SO respectful to joe since the breakup. 🤡

“is doing her JOB as a songwriter who writes about her personal life”

oh yeah, and when she implied that camilla belle was a whore who is only known for the things she does on the mattress, and never apologised for that, she was just doing her job, right? 🤡

she could express herself in a way that doesn’t incite people, but then she wouldn’t have drama to sell her music.

taylor’s spent her ENTIRE career inciting people against her exes and people she’s had feuds with, with her one-sided narratives, and while she has the full right to express herself as she wishes, we also have every right to not like her and call her a shitty person for it.

and who hasn't allowed the media to create false rumours about her and joe (when her publicist shot down deuxmoi, who was making up hurtful rumours about taylor and joe)

you’re… actually joking, right? because there is no fucking way you actually think that tree paine debunking the marriage rumors was a way of protecting joe.

tree paine said NOTHING when joe was accused of cheating on taylor and abusing her, in fact she was probably behind a lot of those articles that tried to paint him as a sexist pig boyfriend that didn’t like taylor’s fame.

hell, tree didn’t say anything when deuxmoi herself claimed that joe locked taylor in a cabin and emotionally abused her. she let joe take all the lashings for that ridiculous claim. but she HAD to come on twitter and debunk the fake backyard wedding rumors, because that’s obviously important. 🙄

what tree paine actually did was give unnecessary attention to a rumor that NOBODY believed in the first place. and by calling the fake backyard wedding rumors “painful” and “traumatic,” she just got all the swifties to attack joe AGAIN because how dare he cause taylor pain and trauma by not marrying her!!

taylor is VERY aware of how her fans act online and the things that they say, because she jokes about it on stage at the eras tour and has admitted to “taylurking” on social media. so the fact that she hasn’t called off her dogs really tells me a lot.

I literally stopped being a fan of taylor in the last year because I realised she is not a good person, and a large part of that was seeing her vindictiveness against the man she claimed to love for almost 7 years. if you haven’t seen how nasty she’s been then you’ve not been paying attention or you’re just stupid.

why the hell are all joe alwyn stans full on taylor swift haters?

maybe respect the woman who;

never spoken publicly about the breakup (just like joe hasn't either)

is doing her JOB as a songwriter who writes about her personal life

and who hasn't allowed the media to create false rumours about her and joe (when her publicist shot down deuxmoi, who was making up hurtful rumours about taylor and joe)

Because Taylor fuels her fans rage against Joe. She may not publicly say anything, but they take her “Easter eggs” with her songs to mean something about Joe. Taking her surprise songs and running with rumors he cheated.

I also just have never liked Taylor as a person even before she decided to be petty about Joe. If you can’t see the shit she does- then you are blind.

Also anon- if Swifties can drag the living shit out of Joe, why can’t Joe fans talk shit about Taylor?

[babygirlwolverine]

i saw your post about getting anon asks, and it's the anon who originally asked about which episode you'd rewrite, which turned into the Regarding Dean fic. i guess i should use an emoji to identify myself or something lol

just wanted to say hi since i haven't done an anon ask in a while, and to say i adored the fic. i had to keep forcing myself to slow down while i was reading bc i was getting too excited. it's one of those fics i'll remember forever.

i'm really loving the holiday advent event and reading your drabbles for that.

please never stop writing <3

omg omg omg hi! I was just thonking about you the other day and i was wondering if you liked the fic (wondering… hoping… desperately praying that you did). But also, yeah, i just miss talking to yall. I think everyone is just busy with school and the holidays, but I miss getting asks from yall. I usually get quite a few a day, but it’s been quiet and I’m not getting any lately so i was just missing talking to yall. oooooh yes, an emoji would be very cute! But also just knowing you’re the nonnie who asked about episode fics, i just know you’re my regarding dean nonnie <3

heheh oh this made me so happy omg hi <3 I’m so glad to see you again and to be receiving a sweet little anon ask from you! Thank you so so much for saying you adored the regarding dean fic, oh gosh, I’m literally going o start crying because you have no idea how much it means to me to hear you say that! I really hoped you’d like it, and knowing this fic was inspired by you, i was just so nervous but gosh I’m so glad you liked it! Omg omg omg wait that’s so cute you had to make yourself slow down when you read it because you were so excited! Literally that’s the best kinda feeling knowing someone enjoyed it so much they had to try and slow down because they were consuming the fic too fast heheh! Okay, now I’m definitely 100% crying! You’re gonna remember this fic forever?! *sobs happy tears* that’s like a writers dream come true; to write something that leaves such a strong impact on someone that they remember it. Wow. Just wow. Speechless. utterly lost for words. I love you <3

yesssss omg I’m so happy that you’re enjoying all the beautiful and amazing things that are being created by everyone for the advent calendar event, that makes me so happy and it’s so heartwarming to see that there is people who are participating and having fun with the prompts! also, oh my god, okay wait, someone is actually reading those little fics/drabbles and is liking them? Oh oh OH! Literally didn’t know if anyone was liking the holiday advent fics i’ve been writing, so hearing this just put the biggest smile on my face oh my gOD okay I’m hugging you so tight right now omg!

thank you omg you’re so sweet! <3 i promise to keep writing and sharing with you all <3

[alteredpupil]

PICK A CARD - WHAT’S GETTING READY TO CHANGE AND WHY

Literally all the piles had a heavy theme of setting strong boundaries. I might end up doing a collective reading because now that I finished this I’m getting a lot of you are going through the same things or a certain theme playing out. This lets me know a lot of these situations is karmic and clearing out of past energies or “residue”. This could even be due to the retrogrades going on at this time.

PILE ONE

It’s so funny how the first two cards are “Transformation” and “Endings and Rebirth”. This is a huge change… like moving homes or cities. This is being surrounded by a completely new group of people pile one… and you know what they say, you are who you spend time with. For some of you i got a message of you guys being in a toxic or abusive relationship and your low self esteem is letting you accept benevolent behavior. Some of you could be in denial or feel like you have nobody outside this person, maybe it’s the long history that makes you feel like you can’t let go. I’m getting you need to mend your relationship with your own self & spirit family or guides… and will. For a couple of you i’m getting pregnancy, if that’s something you were trying for them congratulations pile one! Another extreme change is how you will manage your time and balancing between multiple things. The reason i say this is extreme because overtime the little steps will make you realize that your whole life & circumstance changed before your eyes. I don’t know why i feel the need to say it but there’s a energy of your life taking a physical transformation but if you refuse to let go of the past (mainly picking up on people and bad habits), you will prosper only physically. Your self fulfillment will come from a lot of reflection and action. What’s going to help you let go of your past and toxic relationships is you’re gonna feel a new sense of responsibility and taking life more seriously. I see you feeling a lot better soon as you do thought pile one, you will feel more free and there’s a heavy weight lifted off your change. For some of you, the other person or a situation might be leaving your life so you will feel abandoned at first. Lots of mood swings but i see you taking pride in your work. Some type of truth might be coming out that will cause something to finally come to a end but i feel like right when this happens you will have come across a opportunity or started something that will occupy the majority of your time and thought. Despite possibly feeling hurt i don’t want you to stress or worry about this. You will feel you have somewhere to go if that makes sense, you won’t be left alone. My pet just came in the room as i said that… some of you might be getting a new pet! A lot of you could also start working out and if you have insomnia you will find it helps you sleep better. You could even be watching your diet and this will cause your body to transform physically, i’m seeing a confidence boost so that’s a plus! I asked for advice for you to deal with this change and if you need to go into hermit mode and force yourself to do shadow work, do that. No more running from yourself and it’s going to bring a happy change. Self care energy is heavy! Prioritize your peace and responsibilities.

PILE TWO

Okay my collective in this group could be on two opposite sides of the same coin. Some of you are influencers, models, or have some type of following. The first half is getting ready to go into “hiding” and being more private. The other half after going to start showcasing themselves more and putting yourself out there. On both ends i’m getting working on your boundaries and learning to say no. No more overextending yourself. Also side note: a lot of you will be getting heavily into skincare and grooming. It will pay off! You will attract something into your life that will change the course of your career mainly & public persona or status. This is my fiery pile most likely. For some of you this could be buying a home with your family or somebody you consider family. This is spending a lot of time with loved ones and possibly working towards the same goals. There could be a risk involved with whatever you’re taking on next but you will decide choosing this path is worth it. Okay back to the two collectives, if you’re pushing yourself into isolation because you’re letting divination or the news and media i’m hearing ?? get you paranoid then please cut that out. You’re only holding back on your own potential and i’m getting your intuition is very strong so don’t let fear mongering get to you. For others of you you’re trying to protect yourself and a partner or project. Maybe all three. If you have a lot of eyes on you this could have made you wanna go private, for some of you this could also be on social media. Just make sure you’re doing what you’re doing for the right reasons regardless of the side you’re own. You got boundaries as change and when i clarified the “why”… i got boundaries again. This pile could be working with their sacral chakra a lot and you just feel above certain things now. You might’ve outgrew certain environments and activities and want to pour more into pursuing your own passions. Be careful not to be tooooo sharp tongued but do stand up for yourself how you intend. Your skills will be valued or whatever you got to create. You’re manifesting quickly my pile two and the change for you will be having the resources to take on the next project and so on. “Never running out”. If you guys got some type of altar or are connected to your ancestors then just know they’re going extra hard for you behind the scenes. Another change is you or somebody from your past will reach out to each other. I see reconciliation or at least being civil and it goes over nicely. You both might’ve matured a lot in the time spent apart. This could even be on social media or through text. This person is a past life soulmate for a lot of you, doesn’t matter the relationship type. Why is this change happening and your life changing? Because you left a mark on a lot of people. Some of you are very kind and understanding. You could make others feel understood. You could have some messages for yourself in pile one (although this pile energy is was more confident and self assured) because you also got the message of prioritizing your own peace. You guys could dance a lot or even take dancing classes. I think this is spiritually helping you transmute energy in some type of what, maybe your past pain spills away when you dance. This could be your healthy escape per say. You value honesty and this will also lead you around a healthier crowd.

PILE THREE

I’m getting fame! Or you could be in the spotlight for a long time. You’re either bringing justice to a situation that happened and speaking out or people will be attracted to what you have to say. Some people will look at you like a authoritative figure. Even if it starts off based on either your looks or music I’m hearing, you will draw people in with your mouthpiece. Your family life or home is also going to be a place you like spending a lot of time if that’s not the case. This is because somebody gives you a gift wether physically or mentally (new family member?). This person could be a mentor figure or somebody older than you, perhaps a partner. For some of you, you’re moving in with a spouse or partner. You will be torn between two opportunities presented to you by a fire sign man, or he will try to get in the way of these opportunities. It’s the start of something new but I don’t know if I would go for it, it’s not a extraordinary offer. There could be a male figure that’s more on the aggressive side leaving you confused. It’s important you make big decisions by consoling yourself last and coming to the finale choice. Don’t let anybody else make it for you because I’m seeing this change can very well be you left confused when it comes to making money. Especially if this is somebody that never helped till they seen something go good for you, they might unintentionally sabotage it. Selfish intentions. Also if you’re around a lot of people or receiving a lot of attention, up your boundaries. For some of you this is somebody new that comes in full force and tries to have a say on what you do. They could disguise themselves as somebody of importance, might really have that power too but I’m getting “check their history” out. You’re not naive, you got it, pile three. Something you read or a piece of information you receive will cause you to put your mind at ease. Some of you could be holding on to something that’s hurt you for a long time or some type of conflict. This information you’re getting ready to receive or see is going to do a complete 360 for you, maybe you’re forgiving somebody. Some of you might be a bit ruthless and you could see somebody who did you wrong life is in shambles. This might make you happy and let go of the situation. For others of you this is information that changes how you see yourself and the world. Beautiful change regardless of some of you being on the darker side of said change lol! This is my pile that’s not so forgiving or holds onto resentment. It’s giving water sign energy. If you recently did a protection ritual, that shit is workinggggg! Either a protection or road block opener spell that’s going to remove anything that was holding you back. Maybe this is how some of you end up taking off as far as fame, people can really pick up on your energy. You will have a certain glow to you that wasn’t there before, maybe it’s in the way you smile or your facial expressions. Your internal showing, you guys know the expression wearing your heart on your sleeves? I’m getting some of you will be wearing your energy on your face. The more confident you get, the more your power is increasing. You’ll be more grounded in time to come and therefore it will be easy for you to maneuver through situations that could’ve left you uneasy or anxious in the past. The change is you’re not overthinking as much and acting more. Those of you that are going through a rebirth, this is because you’ve emotionally matured. Side note: I’m hearing “I wanna take it! I wanna take it!”. This rebirth is also induced by whatever creative project or creation you’re making. You will benefit from being emotionally and intuitively connected to yourself, therefore the rebirth and creative overflow. A lot of you will be transmuting that pain you hold into success. That’s beautiful pile three. This is my pile I feel like I don’t gotta touch on shadow attributes as much because I’m getting you guys already know that about yourself and working on changing it. You’re attracting fame, material, healing, protection, and grounding.

You’re attracting a fresh start. But the one thing I want you keeping a eye on is your money sources and income. That could be changing for the worst only due to stagnation, indecisiveness, or confusion. I have no idea why it said this paragraph was getting too long so I had to finish here. Overall though, the emotional fulfillment you’re going to be in is a major point in why you’re attracting the good. So don’t run away from how you feel or try to shut it out pile three! It’s going to aid in your journey to success.

PILE FOUR

I don’t know what you’re doing differently but the change is the way people perceive you. I’m getting you will be more respected by your community and people in close proximity. If some of you are entertainers or service providers of some sort, your work will be a lot more respected. Your reading just got kinda crazy pile four. You’ll be a lot more sharped tongued and on guard. Some people might walk on eggshells around you because they know you will pop off if you hear the wrong thing. But I’m getting all this happens because you went throught or going to find out that a bunch of people you though you could trust or be indifferent towards could’ve been talking behind your back or being sneaky. For some of you this could literally be somebody stealing from you… money, clothes, ideas, material. I’m not gonna lie at first you might feel your heart just dropped to your stomach but this is going to make you mentally stronger and more on guard. There is sooo much air energy here which is crazy because I was gonna say this is my overthinkers. You could be replaying people mean words or betrayal over and over in your head, for some of you this could leave you feeling mentally stuck and bound but know you are not pile four. I’m getting being in isolation is not going to do you well, go out even if it’s alone. Go in nature, do activities, do self care. Remember the bad bitch that you are. You’ll be stepping into your masculine energy, some of you I’m heard are literally playing chess. It’s giving ice queen. If people know that you found out about something I’m getting a scenario of going to a job for example the next day or the same party place and people just seeing you and going quiet. They don’t want any problems lol! Your demeanor changes, you’re being more bold. If you played nice with this group or person at first you will remind them of who you really are, some of them literally feel like they’re dealing with a different person than the one they met. But I’m also getting your ideas are very rampant at this time, keep them to yourself and write them down! People want the knowledge and ideas you possess for themselves. This pile could already have something to prove they’re successful or can get shit done so this leaves people wanting to do the same. I’m getting you’re gonna be very happy while you’re icing people out. Like “okay, I let this go on too long” and having a blasting reminding people what is and isn’t acceptable. You might make certain people feel like cowards because the mess they were spewing they won’t be able to say to your face. I’m just getting don’t take this out on everybody pile four, “keep your allies”. A little situation that happens can’t take you off your path or change your destiny, it can only keep you mentally bound and steal time you could be using to fulfill your destiny. On a good note, I feel like you are going towards your life purpose! You’re just going to clear out karmic cycles on the way. Despite all this you’ll be in a state of bliss almost, some of you literally have a secret weapon. What do I mean? When situations like this occur, there’s somewhere you go physically or in your mind that literally “powers you up” is what I’m hearing. This could be anything and will be different for all of you - a memory, a person, a skill… you are more cunning and calculated than some people realize. A lot of people might be fooled by your looks and underestimate you. You guys also got similar cards to pile three, if you feel called to check that pile out do so. For some of you there is a friendship or partner coming your way that keeps you feeling strong and on your A game, you guys could be going through similar situations. I’m sorry if this pile feels more “negative” per say but I’m getting a lot of this change is mental and about how you navigate whatever the world throws at you (nothing you can’t handle). I asked for a positive change cards for you guys and wow! If some of you been struggling, homeless, or just living in poverty. You’re literally going to the queen of pentacles!

If the situation I was speaking on earlier is a job situation, the reason so many people are gossiping about you is because you could be making the most money or out hustling everybody. Keep going pile four, it will all be worth it. I’m hearing by end of the year you’ll be living a lifestyle you always wanted. If you hold back from snapping on people I’m getting you’ll be happy with this decision because you know they’ll be watching you live your best life with no acknowledgement from you.

[rosiesmuts]

Freer Use

Male Reader x Somi

Words: 3,000

A/N: Sequel to Free Use, but different OC

It's 11pm and Somi is wandering the busy streets of Gangnam, needing to change her outfit since it’s been stained with jizz, but still wearing her birthday girl sash with the ‘secret’ message of free use on the back. Despite having ten random guys already having their way with her, she still looks flawless as they all unleashed their load almost as soon as they entered one of her holes–one of them even came before he could lay a finger on her.

She is currently tied with her personal record of ten in one day and hopes that someone will use her before the clock strikes midnight. Sure she could walk up to any guy and ask him to fuck her brains out, but she had a personal honor system of waiting until someone notices the free use sign on her back. 

As she walks through the busy streets, plenty of eyes lock on to her, some even read the words free use aloud, but none with the courage to approach her.

-----

You're standing in a long line for a club you don't want to be at, forced by your friends to party and get drunk after getting dumped by your fiancé of two years. The same stupid conversations occur, only breaking when they loudly cat call any attractive woman walking by. All you want to do is go home and wallow in your pity, but they don't allow you to leave. 

One of them nudges you with their elbow, shifting your attention to the girl walking by. The first thing that greets you is a set of long smooth pale legs walking in your direction. You glance over her body until your eyes lock with hers and she gives you a smile and a wink as she walks past. Your heart skips a beat when you see her face–her appearance being a near doppelganger for your ex-fiancé sans the blonde hair. Memories with your ex flash through your head in an instant until one of your friends nudges you with his elbow again. 

He points towards the back of her sash displaying the message of free use. There is an internal struggle within yourself to let her walk away or to catch up and ask her about the message. “Fuck it” you say to yourself and duck under the velvet ropes to catch up to her. A quick tap on her shoulder is all it takes for your friends to cheer on as this is the first girl you've shown interest in all night. 

"Does that mean what I think it does?" 

A simple ‘yes’ and a smirk is all that was needed for you to lift up her body like a groom carrying his new bride. She lets out a yelp when she is literally swept off her feet, but starts giggling as you start heading in the direction of the love hotel across the street. The hollering of your friends turns into a stunned silence as they're left wondering how such a short conversation led to you carrying the alluring woman into a love hotel.

After paying the front desk for a room, the mysterious woman jumps into your arms, straddling your waist, your hands supporting her weight by her soft, supple ass. Soon after, she shoves her tongue down your throat and your left stumbling your way to the room, your lips only breaking to take quick breaths until you clumsily swipe the keycard against the card reader. As soon as you enter the room, she hops off and quickly attacks your buttons. 

"So what's your name?" you ask her as you start to lower your pants.

"Somi, but you can call me skank, whore, cum dump, slut or whatever else you want. Like the sign says, I’m all yours; free for you to use however you wish. So what'll it be? Mouth, pussy, or ass?" She points at each one as she lists them off.

"If you're gonna claim to be free use, I'm gonna take all of the above."

"That's ambitious, so far no one has lasted more than 10 minutes."

Ready to make her eat her words, you stick your middle finger into her plump inviting lips. She sucks on it with enthusiasm until you slowly guide her down to her knees. Now eye level with your cock, she uses her hand to give you a few strokes before looking up with her big doe eyes.

"So it looks like you chose MMMPH" 

Before she could even finish her sentence, you shove your cock into her mouth–her eyes widen at the sudden intrusion, her arms attempt to push you away. But you hold steady, resting in her mouth, testing the limits of her free use. You take a brief moment to see where things will end up. That question is quickly answered when she adjusts herself and places her hands on the back of your thighs. Slowly building up speed, she works her way up to basically fucking her own mouth against your rod. 

Her cheeks occasionally puff with every gag and choke, but your own personal cocksleeve shows no signs of letting up. It doesn't take long for tears to trickle down her cheeks and a puddle of drool to form on the floor. You can’t help but look down, capturing a mental image of the gorgeous girl ruining herself–the innocent appearance of her face merely a façade with your cock gradually reaching the depths of her throat. While her face is similar to your ex, Somi’s pure unadulterated skill in hedonism is beyond comparison. Trying to distract yourself from the absolute bliss happening between your legs, your vision fixates on two large mounds your ex definitely did not have. Her large luscious cleavage wobbles with every one of her movements. And as much as you would like her to set them free, the night is still young.

Your knees begin to buckle and even as you make your way over to the bed, she shuffles her body, matching every one of your strides, ensuring your cock never leaves her mouth. Now in a seated position, a fire seems to burn within Somi. The bobbing of her head never stops–her tongue continuously swirls around, one of her hands furiously stroking and the other massaging your balls.

It takes every ounce of willpower not to release down her throat, but this was a once in a lifetime opportunity. Not only did a doppelganger of your ex fall into your lap, quite literally, she is willing to let you do anything to her. Incredibly, it’s been nearly ten full minutes of her mouth glued to your cock without any break. A true test of endurance, not only for your stamina, but for her jaw muscles as well. When she moves her head upwards until your dick finally leaves the tight suction of her lips, she crosses her arms and a bratty pout appears. 

“What the fuck? Can you just nut already?” 

“What's the rush, I’m going to enjoy this free use to its full extent.”

“God, you’re the first guy today who’s lasted this long…”

Her hand reaches out to grip your cock and she starts to lower her head, but you quickly scoot backwards to stop any further attempt.

“There’s more of your sinful body I need to explore”

In one fluid motion, a loud yelp escapes when you lift her light body and set her on your lap. The friction from her jeans causes slight discomfort, but that is easily distracted once you slide your hands under her barely there tank top. 

“No bra?”

Somi has no time to respond when you rip her top cleanly in half, her perfectly shaped breasts finally out in the open. 

“...if you want”

The tail end of her sentence is the only thing you hear. Your drool already leaking out the corner of your mouth, time seemed to stop once you got a clear view of her glorious chest. She grinds her hips against your crotch and stretches her arms backwards, allowing you to squeeze, grope, and play with her breasts. You dip your head down and latch onto her right tit. This time it’s you causing the slurping sounds as you begin your feast–alternating between the two, using your hand to fondle the one not attended by your mouth. Even as time passes on, there’s no way this will ever grow old.

Taking a quick break for oxygen, “God your tits are so fucking amazing.” 

“I know…” She flashes a big smile then buries your face into her bosom–making you nearly pass out from asphyxiation. “...But you’re not gonna cum from just playing with my tits. Fuck me already.”

You didn't need to be told twice. In a flash, you grab her tiny waist and quickly get her into position–her legs on the ground, torso bent over the bed, and you standing behind her. Those annoying jeans chafing you just a moment ago are once again in the way. After slowly peeling them off, you’re met with another unexpected treat.

“No panties too?”

She merely giggles at your question, bending over deeper, presenting an even clearer view of her perfect pink slit. Every second that passes seems like a dream, her appearance absolutely perfect in every way: cute face, tight abs, firm, yet supple ass, and not to mention, absolute exquisite tits. Typically, you would try to warm a girl up, sliding in fingers, or tasting their nectar, but this was a special occasion; the mysterious beauty giving you free reign to her body for all of your carnal desires. An involuntary groan escapes the moment your tip enters her core–her walls suffocatingly tight as you push in deeper. 

Everything about Somi is perfect, the growing moans of the mewling beauty echo throughout the room with each consecutive thrust. Her silky walls undeniable squeezing at your rod with every contraction. That is, until she turns around and you see her face. The face that reminds you so much of your ex. Memories together with her flashes in your head and something inside you breaks. Grabbing a hold of her hips, you have a strong desire to punish her. Rather than thrusting your body into hers, you push her forward until just your tips remain, then pull her back harshly. A light cry leaves her mouth, but you want more.

“You - fucking - bitch - how - could - you - leave - me - after - so - long?” Each time you pull her back a little with a little more strength and a message to you ex. The sounds leaving her lips becomes addicting and you find yourself thrusting forward every time you pull her body back.

She isn’t sure what you’re talking about, but in a strange twist of fate, this isn’t much of a punishment for Somi. After an exhausting day, a rough fucking is exactly what she needed. All the guys she's been with today, she’s spent the whole day pleasing, but never being pleased. You repeat this motion, her cries turn to moans and her walls pulsate around you. Her giant tits sway with each rock, her once pale skin turned into a light shade of red. Perspiration from your sweaty body mixes with hers, making her immaculate body even more appealing. The strength in your arms slowly wanes, until you’re no longer able to pull her in. 

But this wasn’t enough. She got a preview of what it felt like to be fucked and she coveted more. Somi uses her own body to rock back and forth, the sound of her ass clapping against your thighs and her ever growing moans permanently take a place in your memory. Seeing her absolute need for your cock gives you a second wind. Your hands find their place on her hips again and you wildly slam her back and forth.

“You’re gonna make me fucking cum!” words that never left her lips today before you showed up. She finds the strength to aggressively rub her clit until everything suddenly stops. The worry you have for the girl as her body shakes uncontrollably–her whole body vibrating, her toes curling, gripping the carpet, is overtaken by horniness. You continue to thrust into her slumped over body, the constricting walls of her orgasming pussy only bring more satisfaction. Countless orgasms travel throughout her whole body as you continue to use her warm hole. The only thing that stops you is your own impending explosion.

Finally free of your pounding, her orgasms finally subside. When you give her a quick slap of the ass, her firm cheek immediately springs back to place. Leaning forward to whisper into her ear, “What kind of free use cums before the guy? And so many times…” Still resting your cock inside of her, you reach forward to make circular motions of her chest. “Make up for it and ride me.” This was always your hidden agenda–you knew she was going to cum, and still let her. You wanted - no needed to see her sinful body in all its glory.

After you lay down on the bed, she crawls towards you, biting her lower lip and looking at you with downright ‘fuck me’ eyes. She takes a seat on your crotch, rubbing your shaft against her soaked lips, partly as payback for what you just did to her, but also to provide ample lubrication. 

“I can’t wait to ride your fucking cock” her bratty tone returning. 

“What are you waiting for then?” 

Somi lifts her body and her dripping tight hole immediately swallows you whole. The pace of her riding starts off strong out the gates. Her hands find themselves on your chest, her nails digging into your skin. You finally have what you’ve been waiting all night for–her pristine body on full display; every bounce causing her tits to make hypnotizing circular motions. 

“Fuck your dick is so fucking good. I’ve never felt this good before.”

“And you’re so fucking hot. Keep riding this dick you whore.”

She stops bouncing with her whole body, and leans in, her wonderful mounds merely inches away from your face. You cup her tits with both hands while she aggressively twerks her hips. Her hips work with so much deftness, that your cock occasionally slips out. These moments are mere seconds, as she reaches behind to insert it back in. All good things must come to an end. You want to tell her to slow down, to keep this experience going on forever, but your lecherous desires take over. 

You’ve held on for as long as you can until you can finally hold on no longer. “You’re gonna make me…”

Your words are interrupted by an ever familiar musical tone. The alarm blaring off Somi’s phone  causes her to stop in her tracks. She reaches over to the nightstand and picks up her phone.

“Oh fuck it’s midnight. That means my birthday’s over and the free use is done.” 

You lay there in stunned silence while Somi looks down at you. “Fuck it.” She silences her phone and her pace immediately picks up again. “You’ve given me the best dick I’ve ever had.” 

You're somewhat thankful for the sudden stoppage, allowing you to briefly recover. Somi changes positions, leaning her body back; spread eagle. She grips harshly on your thighs as she begins to fuck herself on your hard cock. It seems you weren’t the only one who was stopped when they were close as it only takes a few more bounces until she screams out.

“I’M FUCKING CUMMING!”

She has a strong orgasm, maybe the strongest of the night. Her juices flood your shaft as she sits all the way down on your cock. She falls on to her back and you immediately perk up. Too close to your own orgasm to slow down now. No longer worried about extending the night, you let your hands sink into her bountiful bosom as you quickly thrust into her.

“Where should I cum?” you barely manage to irk out.

“Anywhere you fucking want. My body is still all yours”

You close your eyes as you finally let your body surrender–exploding inside of her, so much that some starts to leak out even before you fully withdraw. You plop down next to her, your faces nearly touching. The post nut clarity sets in, and you no longer see the vision of your old flame in Somi. She is merely an unbelievably hot girl whom you just had an incredible night with.

“I didn’t beat my record for one day, but thanks for giving my birthday an incredible send off. We should stay the night and do it all over again in the morning. Don’t think I forgot what you said earlier. There’s still one more hole you promised to use…”

A/N2: Late gift for 10k to Peach who wanted this to win the original poll 3 months ago