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#all can get fast food after
shadelorde · 1 month
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okay so I saw someone say celiac disease isn’t a disability because ‘all you have to do is avoid gluten’ and I. I’m about to lose my shit.
are you not fucking aware of how much gluten is present in everyday life? Are you not aware how mild cross-contamination can KILL people with celiac? Are you not aware how some kids are raised EATING GLUTEN, IRREVERSIBLY destroying their immune system and the lining of their stomach because their parents didn’t know or didn’t bother to find out what was wrong?
You can help mitigate the effects of some disabilities by doing certain things, but that doesn’t make them NOT disabilities.
Celiac disease is an autoimmune disorder. It is not the same as a mild intolerance. It can and will destroy your stomach and intestines.
Jesus fucking Christ.
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suncaptor · 4 months
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yeah this cannot go on i need to take something like my chest is exploding i can't calm down it's 7am i feel insane insane insaneeeee
#though I HAVE successfully testing that ldn gives me an insane amount of (anxious) energy when i'm on a 3-4mg dose but then i get foggy and#empty at 4-5mg i think#i'm not sure if i should go down to like 2 or try to find the window between#i wish i just had like. a year to get meds right and heallllll so badly#but i can't afford going all the way down and having more relapses#i feel like i'm having aheart attack rn it's so bad it's so acutely painful#and it's so weird bc it's so empty#too like last month i was so full of everything and especially uh attachment fear but now it's just like pain empty screaming pain#i think it's the not eating food enough thing#i mean I DID eat MANY crackers today. rolls eyes#not enough hhh#i know theres so much i have to get done but like ic annot do anything i can't even message anyone i can't i need to get sedated#i don't know if i should try having MORE ldn or ritalin (probably not bc it doesn't sedate me like adderall)#or just hydroxyzine or muscle relaxers#hydroxyzine is looking like the most likely option#bc i still associate muscle relaxers too much with trauma i can't take them they scare me#i feel like i'm dying#i don't think you guys get how fast i'm typing rn like i am going fucking insane if i die of a heart attack for real it would suck huh#no i KNOW this is panic i KNOWWWW i'm panicking but i also feel like i'm going to throw up and die forever it's so bad i feel so so bad lik#i don't think people get how bad everything is i need it to all calm down and stop i need it to get better i am not okay holy shit#you know what everything in my life might not feel fixable and i am letting all my professors down but I can probably take incompletes wors#comes to worst i need to take hydroxzyine sleep and then cave and buy some food tomorrow#like what's happening now i#there FEELS like there's a SHAARP HOOOK in my CHEST IMAPLING ME#if i sedate myself enough i might be able to communicate with people for real instead of burrowing my head into the ground forever and ever#yeah okay i'm taking hydroxzyine#i feel like the problem with antihistamines now after last year is [redcated]#trying to convinc emyself this is not a suicide attempt or self harm i just need to calm down hahahahafih;aeifahe;wifahewifae#that's what they're PRESCRIBED for#i think i want benadryl instead though bc it's shorter and it also makes me head clearer i wonder if i have any i think it's not here thoug
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pointyfruit · 1 year
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Just imagined a complex animated short about Bloodmoon huntin for ye good ol blood except it was in the perspective of one of the children that get hunted.
I almost made myself cry.
#Like it was a huge punch in the gut#the silly don't feel so silly no morein this context#dca fandom#bloodmoon twins#you just want your mom to be happy again and what happened#sams bloodmoon#sun and moon show bloodmoon#fnaf bloodmoon#like you hear on bbc news that this Infamous red monster has killed 100s of families in poverty and everyone's panicking and trying to#evacuate the city but yall neck deep in poverty so on top of struggling to get food on your plate every night you also gotta somehow find#the money to move and everyone is trying and trying and working themselves until their exausted and stressed and sick and mom is struggling#and sad and dad is struggling and sad while rich people ride their private jets into the sunset and everyone's sad and depressed and crying#because no one deems your lives important because you're poor and you just wondering why mom keeps crying and dad have time to play anymore#and you are just barely grasping any of this you're like 8 and after all that hard work of 80° days and sleepless nights it's to late and#everyone is getting killed except for you because you're small and weaseled your way out of it but not for long because here it comes and#you're run as fast as your little weak legs can go with your heart pound out your chest and you're crying and screaming and your voice is#cracking from screaming but no one hears you or is too scared to save you and just like your parents you lose hope and strength too and you#cant run anymore and you fall to the ground and cry (the ugly cry) and the silly has come to harvest ye good ol blood and you're dead and-
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thepandalion · 5 days
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not to be annoying or anything but it's been 9 years since the release of indie game undertale
#It's. One of my special interests#Like I have identifying Mediterranean animals on sight and I have memorizing every line of dialog in undertale#Those are my things. And I did recognize a seagul once by the sound while jetlagged and not paying attention so#Tbh I should probably play the game sometime. But also it'd be very funny to not play it#And then one day just like. Idk. Live stream playing undertale for the first time. But doing it w a blindfold#Check how far my knowledge spans for a person who has never once played the game#Like. I know muffets attacks are a repeating pattern. I know some attacks have audio so I'd use that as a guide#I'd go easy route on toriel and papyrus bc I know you can skip those by being bad at game#And I'm pretty sure I could memorize mad dummy patterns bc I remember there being like. A trick in the code#For if you're bad at the fight#Also you get astro food right before so I'd have good healing#So. Yeah the undyne and asgore and omega flowey fights are really the only things I have to watch out for I think??#Esp since I'm gonna do a bunch of tricks to get out of certain fights#Like. The thing with doing armor switches rapidly on mettaton for fast ratings boosts#Or the lowering of hp on mad dummy after the first hit so the fight can't last beyond a set number of turns if you're shit at it#Tbh yeah undyne is the only one that's actually scary all the way until asgore. That said I also think you can like. Skip that bit entirely#Like by backtracking before new home to get the undyne letter and doing true lab first. I think#Because that's the bit that's the true pacifist thing to do. Which actually true lab also scary#Like ok snowys mom and endogeny are easy but lemon bread and the memory heads are actually hard esp if u cant see#Also reaper bird but only after the everyman gets ate by the whimsun attack flies so I'm not super duper scared#And. I plan on temmie armor after mettaton. And bandage until then for running away from encounters#Just straight up my first time playing the game will be with a blindfold on and livestreamed#(I'd flex especially in that one echo flower room where if you kill toriel flowey taunts you with it)#But until then! Happy 9 years of being extremely neurodivergent :D
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sixofravens-reads · 4 months
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on the drive to the park today I passed the library and thought "I haven't been reading as many library books as I hoped to this year, when I get home I should go through my For Later list and just choose 5 or so that look interesting!"
and uh
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as usual my holds-requesting exceeds expectations.
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cinemacrypt · 1 year
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Weeping sobbing shitting my dick WHY DID I MOVE IN WITH A FUCKING PROFESSIONAL THERAPIST
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e-m-p-error · 11 months
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Which of your muses is the best at cooking?
Which of them is the worst at cooking?
Which of your muses is more likely to burn their food, whether or not they can cook?
Which of your muses is more likely to eat something even if it has fallen on a dirty floor?
Which of your muses is more likely to talk in their sleep?
Which of your muses sleeps the most?
Which of them is more likely to suffer from insomnia?
Which of your muses is more likely to have sleepwalking episodes? {{ Pick whichever muses. <3 }}
𝐓𝐄𝐋𝐋 𝐌𝐄 𝐖𝐇𝐈𝐂𝐇 𝐌𝐔𝐒𝐄 !
Which of your muses is the best at cooking?
Vick is really good at cooking! He makes cozy cooking Voxtube videos and it is a way that he relaxes!
Valentino is a surprisingly good cook but it takes a lot for him to cook for someone. He only sees cooking for someone as a sign of love and he will not do it for you if he does not love you dearly.
Velvette is a lover of all things food and enjoys cooking and making potions. She can heal you with her food or kill you with it depending on what she wants to do!
Bee is a fantastic cook and she prides herself on her food conjuring!
Which of them is the worst at cooking?
Ostello cannot cook very well at all. He could probably burn water and has made mistakes while trying to cook. Usually he orders food in.
Fizzarolli is an awful cook, he can burn cereal and nobody knows how he's done it.
Cash is a good cook if and only if you count preparing frozen meals and boxed dinners as cooking.
Which of your muses is more likely to burn their food, whether or not they can cook?
Fizzarolli, hands down. He can burn anything even if he doesn't cook. Don't let him get involved with food preparation.
Which of your muses is more likely to eat something even if it has fallen on a dirty floor?
Cash will eat anything even if iit's off the floor or in the dirt. Food is food.
Barbie is the same way, she learned from her daddy.
Mammon will scoop food off the floor to eat it if he likes it enouogh.
Which of your muses is more likely to talk in their sleep?
Valentino murmurs a lot in his sleep when he's dreaming. He doesn't speak very clearly, however.
Bee talks in her sleep but her words never make much sense.
Athan talks a lot in his sleep and is very forthcoming with information when sleepy.
Which of your muses sleeps the most?
Already answered here!
Which of them is more likely to suffer from insomnia?
Vick suffers from insomnia like nobody's business. It was a problem when he was alive, too, and is the reason why he died.
Which of your muses is more likely to have sleepwalking episodes?
Fizzarolli has them from time to time.
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trauma-trove · 11 months
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I hate that I'm held at social gunpoint to never EVER be anything but picture perfect niceness while doctors and nurses bully me and treat me like shit. It drives me insane. I tried being transparent with my last nurse about how my dietary problems, thyroid probpems, and chronic pain treatment was really going to interfere with a procedure and that I wanted to schedule it AFTER my other appointments and procedures. She told me "well, I can't do anything about that. The doctor wants it done." I tore the instructions she gave me right in front of her. They were salvageable. I could tape them together. But she looked at me like I called her a fucking slur.
"Oh but think of the doctor/nurse/receptionist you're doing that to! Every time a patient loses it, more medical practitioners leave the field!"
I.
Don't.
Care.
You're DOING this TO ME. I have the right of being the victim here. If someone is pushed and forced and coerced and bullied and assaulted enough times, they have a right to treat their offenders like shit.
I'm fucking sick of it.
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starswallowingsea · 1 year
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honestly wrt that last post about being 22. i was talking to one of my coworkers at the museum last week about how i wasnt sure i wanted to stay in the museum field anymore or if i wanted to enter right away because i enjoyed my job at a&w and was still guaranteed a job there if i wanted it when i came back and was making $14/hr and probably going to be slowly getting raises past that the longer i stayed (and probably getting more training on other things like food orders and scheduling) and honestly? i actually really like being in the restaurant industry. i've been in it in one form or another since i was 16 and its something that makes me feel good. as much as i complain about it i dont actually mind it that much and it makes me feel like i'm doing something important, even if thats just making fast food meals yknow.
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whoredmode · 1 year
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Ship name: "Dexteros", "Antexter", "Antex", "Deros" orrrrr something else?
;)
hmmmm dexteros sounds like some sort of medication but is also the most…collective?🤔 shares both of their names the most equally i think. so i’ll go with that one.
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weaselle · 7 months
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it was too much i had to make my own post
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line cook here. ACCURATE
if you don't get the hate, here's what you don't understand.
it takes up to 2 hours to close down the kitchen.
The last 60-90 minutes before closing time you do almost no cooking because the restaurant doesn't have many people in it and you've already cooked most of their diners.
So if someone walks in during, like, the last hour, the cook is in the middle of an industrial deep clean of the kitchen.
(these numbers can vary quite a bit from place to place but i have worked several restaurants with these actual times and the concept remains the same)
Say the place closes at 10. If you wait til the restaurant is already closed to start all your cleaning duties, you'll be there until at least midnight.
More than that your boss knows that on an average night you can start your clean up as soon as the last rush ends and get out of there around 10:45, even 10:15 on a slow night if you get lucky. That means there are plenty of restaurants where if you do take until midnight the manager is going to come up to you at some point that week and ask you what went wrong that night, and you'd better have an answer.
So this example restaurant closes at 10 pm. The dinner rush ends around 8:30, and shortly after that the cook is going to start getting every single dish possible over to the dishwasher because the dishwasher always gets hit hard and late, and the machine runs for 2 full minutes and only holds so many dishes, so the way that works out is if you wait an extra 30 minutes to give the dishwasher all your stuff it can mean adding like 60 minutes to the end of his shift. And you're gonna KEEP finding shit to send to the dishpit right up until you leave probably.
all these little square and rectangle containers in this cold table have to be pulled out and changed over into new containers, replaced by new full ones, or in some cases filled from larger containers in the back, which can result in even more empty containers to send to the dishwasher.
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while it's all pulled apart to do this, you have to clean up all the spilled food and sauce and juices and stuff from the joints and ledges and shelves and drip trays
Once you get your line changed over in this way, and fully stocked, anytime someone orders something that makes use of a bunch of that stuff, you have to restock and re-clean it some. It might already be covered in plastic. Some of it might already be stuck in the back to make room to take apart your cutting board counter to clean. To cook a dish isn't TOO much of a problem at this point, but you're really hoping for zero orders because you still have so much other cleaning to do.
Meanwhile the salad bar and appetizer section and server station and everybody are all doing the same thing. Even the bartenders are stocking olives and lemons and sending back whisks and stir spoons and shakers and empty 4quart storage containers that used to hold the back-up lemons and olives and things. Every section is dumping their must-be-cleaneds to the dishpit as fast as possible because early and fast is the only thing they can do to to help that dishpit not absolutely drown into overtime.
The poor dishwasher is always the last to clock out, soaking wet and exhausted.
Around this time you probably scrub the flat top, which has turned black from cooked on grease and is still about 500 degrees. Line cooks are divided in opinion on water-based or oil based cleaning methods for this, but they all involve scrubbing with (usually) a brick of pumice stone using every ounce of your strength while you try not to burn yourself
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you scrub it from fully blackened to gleaming silver and now if somebody orders something that needs the flat top to cook, you can either fuck up your cleaning job or fake it in a couple frying pans and pass that tiny fuck you down to your dishwasher (who usually understands, especially if you help them take the garbage out or clean your own floor drain later)
If there's deep fried stuff on the menu then the fryers have to be cleaned out, which includes straining the oil out into enormous and super-heavy pots full of oil so hot that if you spill on yourself then it's probably a hospital visit and if you slip and fall face first into it it'll be the last thing you ever do.
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Then you gotta scrub out the fryer. Like you gotta take the (hot) screen out and reach your arm down into the weird rounded pipes and curved areas (so hot, burn you if you brush against them hot) and scrub off whatever is down there
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Depending on your kitchen you might have to do up to four of these. Then you'll have to pour the (dangerously hot) oil back in
oh, and if you didn't dry the pipes and get ALL the water out of the trap and tank?
water reacts with hot oil in a sort of mentos and coke way that can send a tidal wave of oil past the open flame of the pilot light ...HUGE dangerous mess and/or burn down the kitchen if the oil lights up.
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Unless! If the oil has been used too hard and needs to be changed, it's time to carry those open topped super heavy pots full of will-kill-you-hot oil and dump them in the barrel outside by the dumpsters so you can put room temp fresh oil in the fryers. whew!
The clean up is not just some light wiping down that can be easily interrupted, is what i'm saying.
You might have to do some kind of walk-in duty (moving around 50lb cases of lettuce and 50lb bags of onions to get to the stacks of five gallon buckets full of salad dressings and sauces to move so you can reach the giant metal pots and bus tubs full of prep and get it all organized and make sure it's all labeled and i have to stop now i'm having flashbacks)
THE POINT IS
by 15 or however many minutes to close, the line cook is doing an intense deep clean and probably has the whole stove taken apart to detail.
For some industrial stoves this means lifting off large cast iron plates that weigh like 20 lbs each and are still quite hot. Whatever metal burners are on there, you gotta take off and clean, you can see here the lines that indicate the large thick cast iron rectangles that sit on top of the burners to allow heavy pots to rest on. Those five (each has one front burner hole and one back burner hole, see?) have to be lifted off and cleaned with soap and a wire brush usually, and then the underneath area also has to be cleaned because a lot of shit falls through the burner holes on a busy night.
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if you didn't do it when you did the flat top you have to do the grease trap (which can be like a full five minutes and is always disgusting).. You gotta clean out all the little gas jets in each burner with a wire or something so the burners all flame evenly, and sometimes you have to remove some of the natural gas piping that connects the burners to access where you have to clean.
you gotta clean out the bottom of the oven and the wire racks, and, oh gods, you gotta take down the filter vents from the hood fans above the stove.
See all the lined parts along the top of the wall?
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those are hood vents, and as they pull air up they also pull a lot of grease and they have to be taken down and cleaned, then you gotta climb up there and scrub where they go before you put them back...
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And then there's the mopping and floor drains and...
Anyway, that's what the line cook is doing when you walk in fifteen minutes before closing and order something that needs to be cooked on that stove. They are doing an entire industrial cleaning of a professional kitchen.
In some restaurants maybe one or two of these jobs will be every other night or even only twice a week, but in many, possibly most kitchens, ALL of these things happen EVERY night. You don't want to leave any food mess that might attract insects or rodents for one thing, so a really good kitchen is as close to brand new as you can get it every night.
IF YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO ORDER SOMETHING ANYWAY, HERE IS WHAT TO DO
open with an apology and ask the server to go ask what the cook would prefer you to order.
Any good server will already know what the cook is hoping for and what will make their line cook go into the walk in and scream. If it's significantly less than an hour to close and they say some variant of "oh anything is fine" they are either telling the lie their boss wants them to say, or they actually do not know what their line cook wants, and you can either use human connection and a conspiratorial just-between-us tone to get them to drop the customer-is-always-right act, or get them to actually go ask the cook.
It might be as specific as "the lasagna is easiest on the kitchen" or it might be a simple guideline like "nothing that requires the flat top" or "any of the sautés are easy" but a good line cook will probably have a system for if they have to make a couple of the most popular items after they start their close, so the answer is likely to include something most people like and you should be good to order that.
but for the love of all that's holy, please only do so at great need. Leave that last 30-60 minutes to the truly desperate and the crew's duties.
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evadingreallife · 2 months
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I feel like ive single handedly invented a new type of AITA mental crisis cause i (temporarily living alone and generally trying to mind what i eat bc of kinda-health reasons) just got super angry at my parents cause they just. keep. pushing food on me. And by that i mean for example that tonight they were having pizza and asked me if i wanted to go and take some too and i said no i dont but when we met mom gave me this whole package which i now see its appetizers+a couple of pizza slices, of which i had asked for NONE and they know fully well im trying not to eat fried/super oily foods cause SEVERE ACNE (and other stuff) and also if i have food i like in front of me i am totally unable to not eat it or not finish it. Its in MY DNA. I really cannot. AND I DIDNT WANT IT OR NEED IT. IM NOT STARVING. IM NOT EVEN WITHOUT FOOD HERE. I GOT GROCERIES FOR FUCKS SAKE. I AM JUST ON THE WRONG SIDE OF HEALTHY/OVERWEIGHT AND DAD HAS DIABETES I DO NOT WANT THIS FOR ME. WHY. DO. THEY. KEEP. PUSHING FOOD. ON ME.
Sincerely,
An exhausted daughter
Edit: the first person coming @ me saying "just accept your body something something" will get shot with extreme prejudice. This is so not about that it's not even funny
#ps when i was doing my study semester abroad i hit my lowest adult weight ever (actually just stlightly more than the average for my height)#GEE I WONDER WHY#the only (only) time in my life i was able to fully be in control of what i eat all the time i was finally at a vaguely healthy weight#truly the plottwist of the century#ps yes dad is obese and mom is thin by default cause of gut issues#so thet couldnt care less about minding food intake if its not something that eould be bad for moms intestine#the doctors fucking told dad that he would have ended up with diabetes if he didnt change something and GUESS WHAT#HE FUCKING HAS DIABETES NOW#FOR FUCKING LIFE#AND DOES HE CARE? NO!#and for what *i* want or dont want to eat then??#i literally cannot eat a full plate of pasta and pizza anymore w/o first eating fibers cause then the sugars will hit me without mercy and#leave me so sleepy i literally used to fall asleep after eating lunch and dinner for a year until we went to a dietitian and he told us wha#to do and what to avoid to dont fall so hard and so fast after eating#and HAS HE EVER CARED FOR THAT? I GO DAY AFTER DAY TRYING TO WRESTLE A BIT OF FOOD CONTROL IN THIS HOUSE AND HE BLATANTLT IGNORES EVERYTHIN#AND THEN HE HAS THE GALL TO GET SAD WHEN I SAY NO I DONT WANT THE OVEN BAKED PASTA YOU MADE FOR LUNCH NO NOT EVEN IF YOU MAKE IT LIGHT.#I CAN DECIDE WHAT I EAT FOR ALL MEALS UNTIL IM HERE ALONE ON MY OWN AND BY GOD I WILL#this happened this morning btw#so what for dinner? the pizza drama#i was literally sobbibg while putting the pizza+other stuff in a plate in the freezer earlier cause i dkn#dont have the heart to just throw it away but i cannot have it under my nose all the time#and i cannot just leave it or i will eat it#if i eat it i will have at least three acne breakouts by tmr mornib#its scientific#and also none of that contains a single fiber#goddddddddddd#this all is so silly and pointless why are they like this its not like im gonna starve i do have food i prommy#oh and HAVE I MENTIONED THE DIETITIAN SAID NO TO CHEESE cause idk reasons and dad just has been flat out ignoring that for LITERAL YEARS???#i can get very angry when im frustrated#also i was gonna make dinner but now im not even hungry anymore im just sad
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xviruserrorx · 4 months
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I don't understand why people get frustrated at things they knew were gonna happen because someone else is chronically I'll and it's happened multiple times before so it's not like it's new, like oh yeah sorry for existing like this
#family wanted me to go to this restaurant and to try their shakes and they've talked about it multiple times about going#and they kept mentioning it and just yeah so the said 'were going' and i just shrugged and said okay#we've been to restaurants times before and it goes the same every time with me getting fries or some type of potato or salad#because their safe foods and indont want to be sick and most of the time i cant eat almost all the menu so this isn't new#but they want to eat before we get these shakes (the shakes that are going to inevitably make me very sick) so we order food#surprise enough i order cheese fries that say they just have cheese on them on the menu but of course they lied as always#so the fries have bacon and chives and olives and a bunch of stuff and the cheese isnt even a cheese sauce#but cheese from the store thats been melted in a microwave on the fries and is very very oily and y'know great these are gonna make me sick#i force down the food as fast as i can and act like its fine but of course family gets mad that im doing this#they then ask after me trying to force down this food what flavor of shake i want and im probably gonna end up throwing#up half of the food i just ate and so i say no to the shake which is a gurantee of me being up all night throwing up#they get frustrated because 'we came here for the shakes' and i dont even know im so tired like#i font know what people want me to do i cant exist the way they want me to and eat the food and interact with the world how they want me to#like how do they want me to do thing? i wish people would tell me how they wanted me to do things and then i could do it#and i really can i can play pretend i do it sooo well i can eat the food you want me to and do what you want me to#but we literyjoked how i couldn't eat barely anything on the menu and we still got in the car and left and like#family is a bust my friends are too busy living and being with their other friends who arent sick so thats always hood to think about#literally got told to my face that she made a new friend (which is always good) but that this new friends reminded her exactly of me#and that they talks to them every single day and they've gone to movies and this and that and... i texted her multiple times#and she hasnt texted me back in months... infont think that lerson reminds me of who i AM i think they remind her of who i WAS#when i was sick very sick but still more abled and able to just exist#but yeah so im gonna write some fanfic - im gonna mod for something - then mod for another thing with really sweet mods in it#i wanted to rewatch a spn episode with the angels in it so ill do that and maybe work on a bracelet#and yeah... and then ill do it all over again and eat my safe foods and do the things that make me comfortable because fuck them#virus rambling
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pears-trinkets · 6 months
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#the whole vet situation gives me such trauma whiplash im too busy with that that i havent really given myself a chance to process today#all i can think about is how painful eating must be for mischa#i noticed she slowed down a bit and wouldnt eat kibble or hard snacks but i thought it might be one single tooth ache idk#i actually thought she was doing better because she slowed down because she has been gulping down food way too fast since the shelter#the last time she had tooth problems like 2-3 years ago i asked a friend to come with me to the vet and she said omg yes of course#and then she resumed texting me normal stuff throughout the day of the appointment and only after i didnt reply the whole day she noticed#like 10 hours too late she was like OH SHIT HAHA!! and this is literally what happens every time when i ask someone to be there for me#when i make myself really vulnerable and ask for help and say that i cant do something alone they let me down#while knowing that i have no one else#i asked my mom to come to the vet once and she literally only talked about herself the whole time distracting me#and then she was like haha yeah lets just drop off the cat at home and go get some lunch hihi!!!!#she never remembers vet appointments even when we just talked about them and loves making fun of me for being stressed and tense#like OH NO WONDER YOU WERE MOODY like im on my period or something#i texted a friend about mischas health issues and me losing my job and she hasnt replied since january and doesnt really talk to me anymore#so i guess that friendship is done too#ill have to go there on thursday alone and overdraft my account and wait until the evening and care for mischa all alone#i cant even talk with someone about this because no one understands or judges my emotions and no one cares anyway#and then ill have to go back to work where everyone knows that i will be gone soon and will pester me about it#they all think of me as a temporary intern anyway and ask WHEN WILL YOU GO FIND A REAL JOB while they make me do theirs#everything and everyone at that job is so horrible and so many people leave and they never learn#a colleague i helped teaching everything suddenly turned on me &my other colleague & made our lives miserable while badmouthing us viciously#and everyone in the office chose her over us and let her get away with it while she screamed at us and behaved like a child#its so ironic how i stayed because i needed money to live and now when i go i will have 0 because of the surgery#i mean its worth it but like#what the fuck is life and what will it fucking be next month
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sapsolais · 6 months
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<3
#it's 2 am and i'm thinking about drawing all the things that've really made me feel butch lately#it's like a small scrapbook in my heart#lots of smaller moments when i get on my knees and help my kids tie their shoes. or make them smile or laugh by doing something silly#or whenever i do my best to be there for them when they need me#showing my grandpa the leather jacket he gave me after i got it altered to fit me better#going shopping for my mom the day before her birthday party. the moment i drove her home when she wasn't feeling well#“pissing off” my coworker by being polite and doing small things for her like putting her lunch in the fridge when she forgets to put it in#whenever i get all my coworkers food or snacks and insist they don't owe me anything#the other day when i was helping my boss pull weeds with my coworkers and i proudly held up a clump the size of my head like an excited dog#last week when some ladies were trying to start a car that wouldn't turn over and i let them use my battery pack#when i hold the door open for people at the gym#when other queers (friends/mutuals/my kids) say or show that they feel safe around me. like they can be themselves#when i came home the other day after my mom told me my uncle died and came inside and dropped off my stuff#and went to give my grandma a hug. i didn't know what to say. and i sort of knew there was nothing i could say. but i didn't have to#i was just there. and i think i Got It in that moment. like. what it really means. to have someone completely and wholly#collapse into you. even if they're trying not to show it. but you try and hold them together. i think it's about trying#trying to let people know you love them. in everything you are and everything you do.#there's other moments too#like pushing gracie really fast in a shopping cart in an empty parking lot shdjghfnh#or the other day when lyd twitch streamed 2 me and let me quietly fold laundry with them#or when i'm up talking with toast and veronica and 3 in the morning#moments where i'm shown unconditional love and kindness and wholly accepted even if it's just for that moment in time#allowed to be myself without stifling any part of me#if you're reading this i love you#:]#g'night#sap says
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