#alfred knows what's up

[varpusvaras]

When Dick started to spend more time with his team, and started to talk about Wally just as much as he talked about Starfire, Bruce knew that they needed to have a talk.

"I don't care if you like boys or girls", Bruce had said. "Just promise me that you won't date Oliver Queen's son."

Not that he had anything against Roy, Bruce just really did not want to deal with Oliver any more than he already had to.

"Sure", Dick had said, in a way that very clearly implicated that if Bruce ever annoyed him too much, he would do exactly that simply to spite him.

Jason was a lot easier in regards to relationships. No teams or teammates or relationship problems that roused from having several teenagers spending a lot of time together in close quarters. Compared to Dick, Jason always looked younger and smaller, and Bruce didn't even think about talking to him about it. Not yet. They still had time to do it.

They didn't.

Jason was gone, and then he was back, and Bruce really, really did not have the time or even thought to talk to him about dating girls or boys.

And maybe that wasn't even the part that they should've talked about. No, the part they should've talked about was not dating Oliver Queen's son.

Not that Bruce had anything against Roy. He smart and resourceful and respectful (he always volunteered to help Alfred every time he came to the Manor), and he was a good father. That was especially a quality that Bruce could respect. Roy was good to Jason, in seemingly every way that mattered.

It was just that now Bruce had to deal with Oliver. Well, not in a way that he had to see Oliver more often, but he certainly had to deal with him more. Especially since every single time Bruce and Jason had an argument, Jason would spend more time at Oliver and Dinah's place, and Oliver would every single time without fail rub it in to Bruce's face.

After one of said arguments that hit a bit too close to the Holidays, Bruce knew that he had to do something. He couldn't take Oliver's smug face from having all of his kids and one of Bruce's over at their place. Bruce needed to invite them over first. Jason would understand the invitation as the olive branch that it was.

He had called Jason, but it was Roy who picked up. That was good, actually. Roy was many times easier to talk to than Jason. At least he greeted Bruce normally instead of calling him an asshole right from the get-go.

"We could come visit", Roy said, and Bruce took it was the win it was. "I'm just pretty sure that you have something to say to Jason, first."

Bruce had many things to say to Jason all the time.

"Hn", he said.

"That last argument sounded pretty bad", Roy continued, calmly and sweetly. "I'm sure that both of you said things you didn't mean to, but just because you didn't mean them doesn't mean it's okay. So, is there something you would like to say to Jason?"

"Hn." Was Bruce on speaker? Jason hadn't said anything to indicate that he could hear Bruce.

"What's the word?" For a split second, it was like Alfred was on the other side of the line, and Bruce found himself speaking before he could think about it properly.

"I'm sorry", he said.

"Thank you!" Roy sounded like he was smiling widely. "We'll be there, then!"

Roy hung up. Bruce put his phone down, his head spinning slightly.

"I assume that Master Jason and Master Roy will be over, then?" Alfred asked.

"Yes", Bruce said.

"That is splendid to hear." Alfred patted Bruce on his arm. "Good man, that Master Roy. He has certainly read his books on parenting, it seems."

Bruce leaned on his desk, his mind reeling with the realisation that he had just been out-dadded by his son's boyfriend.

A good man, Alfred had said. Bruce couldn't do anything else but agree.

[kettlefire]

As Good as Good Gets (DP X DC Snippet)

Richard "Dick" Grayson is the golden child. In the eyes of the public, and in the eyes of the league. Dick is a sweet, caring son, a man who went from being a sidekick to being a hero. The pipeline from Robin to Nightwing had many people applauding his dedication to keeping Gotham safe.

No one knew the full story, not truly. No one but Bruce Wayne himself. And maybe a certain butler. Many don't know that Dick only became Robin to stop him from hunting down and killing the man who killed his parents.

No one really knows about the harsh fights and arguments he has had with Bruce. The times when Dick would find himself cut off from the Wayne name for a week or so. No one knows that the first person Dick warmed up to was Alfred. Having been bribed with cookies.

Things weren't always this good, trusting, happy relationship between Bruce and Dick. It had been a rough ride, a complicated one. But that was okay, because it got better.

Dick stopped being so moody and angsty. He grew up, he learned, and he changed. He became an older brother, found people that needed him. Needed him in a way that the citizens of Gotham didn't need him.

His brothers like to call him annoying. A goody two shoes who Bruce trusted more than everyone else. They couldn't fathom how someone like Dick could be so stupid and bubbly at all times.

All times, except when shit hits the fans. Despite the name calling, despite coining Dick as the stupid Wayne. They all knew better. They knew that when it mattered, Dick Grayson always pulled through. He was a force to be reckoned with when needed.

The whole Wayne family was a force to be reckoned with when called for. It didn't have to be under the guise of costumes and vigilante acts. Whether he was Officer Grayson or Nightwing, Dick was a man with his morals and values.

One night on patrol as Officer Grayson, Dick found someone who needed that force. A force willing to protect and care for the innocent. The hurt. The damaged, yet still good.

It started like any other night. A call of shots fired by an empty warehouse. There was no sighting or knowledge of any rouges being there, so Dick took the call. Told the team he'll contact them if it seems more than just a civilian incident.

The warehouse was dark, reeked of copper and oil. It didn't take long for Dick to find the trail. The liquid he found looked like the person had been dragged before walking. There was a clear struggle, even with the mess and emptiness that was the warehouse.

That wasn't Dick's biggest concern. The concern lay in just how much blood there was. Too much for any normal person to lose and still manage to stumble through the warehouse.

It wasn't just blood. It wasn't that much, but Dick could spot the strangeness in the liquid. The mixed in green that had an eerily similar color and glow as a certain pit.

Without thinking, Dick followed the trail. Barely remembering to make contact with his family. Give them an update on what he found. Words telling him to stay put for backup went in one ear and out the other.

Something in Dick's gut was telling him he couldn't wait. He needed to find the source. Whoever was currently bleeding out in this warehouse. He silenced the comm, moving further through the dimly lit building.

Then Dick found it. Or more so, he found him. It was just a boy. A boy that reminded Dick too much of the youngest Wayne. A boy sat against a wall, looking pale and weak.

Red and green coated the front of the boy's shirt, arms wrapped tightly around his middle. An attempt to stem the bleeding. A puddle had already started to form beneath the boy, and Dick moved without thinking once again.

He quickly found himself kneeling beside the boy, hands carefully reaching out. Before Dick even touched him, the boy flinched. Eyelids suddenly opened, wide and terrified blue eyes landed on Dick's.

In just that one look, Dick knew what he had to do. The haunting, terrified, and pained look in the boy's eyes told Dick everything he needed to know. The boy was in danger. Someone had hurt this kid, and it was clear it wasn't the first time.

The boy struggled weakly against Dick's touch, terrified whimpers, and barely coherent pleas spilled from the kid's lips. It had Dick's heart aching, clear as day the poor kid has been through hell and back.

It took a lot of reassurance, gentle touches, and promises of help before the kid let Dick take a look at the bleeding wound. A promise on Dick's soul had been the final thing that earned him any semblance of trust. A strange promise, but Dick was willing to make it.

That concern turned to pure anger the moment Dick managed to pull the sticky shirt away from the wound. The sight of a Y-incision cut perfectly into the skin, stitches tight on the skin, but blood still leaking heavily from the wound.

It didn't take long for Dick to realize why. Despite the perfect surgical care of the wound, a good couple of stitches had broken. Leaving gaping spots for that red and green liquid to pour out of.

The boy was deathly silent, tears streaking down his cheek as wide blue eyes stayed trained on Dick. In that moment, Dick knew he had to help. Had to get the kid to safety, patch him up, and find out what kind of monster would do this.

It didn't matter if the kid was human or not. It didn't matter if the kid had special abilities or not. No one, absolutely no one, deserved to be vivisected.

The kid was shrouded in mystery, but that mystery only seemed to grow and become clearer when Bruce had entered the scene. The boy had tensed, eyes flashing a bright glowing green.

Lazarus pit green.

It set a pit of dread in Dick's gut. His mind brings forward memories of Jason. Jason, after his revival, after his dip in that cursed pit. The same flash that his brother would get if he got too angry. Too emotional.

As much as Dick wanted to focus on finding who did this, if it had any connection to Ra's al Ghul. He couldn't. Not when the kid tried to get up, to pull away as Bruce and the others made their way closer.

Right now, Dick only cared about making sure the boy was okay. Fixing those stitches, getting him a meal, and a warm bed.

He needed to get this kid someplace where he felt safe and secure. Comfortable and protected. Dick wasn't sure why. Maybe it was the promise he had made, but he wasn't letting anyone get to the kid.

That included his family. As strange as it seemed, Dick put himself between the others and the kid. Shooting them all a glare that they had only ever seen a handful of times.

Dick lifted the poor boy up in his arms, cradling the crying child close as he led the way out of the warehouse. Ignoring the questions or confusion coming from Bruce and the others. As Dick walked, feeling the trembling boy clinging to him, he made a rather obvious realization.

Maybe the eldest son really was more like Bruce than he expected. Just a few short moments the the boy, a boy that Dick didn't know his name, and he was ready to pull out adoption papers. To give the boy a safety he so desperately needs.

Give him the chance that Bruce had given him all those years ago.

[puppetmaster13u]

Meme Prompt 11

A three-way crossover this time

[cassandracain52]

The Batfamily over-simplified:

Bruce "The OG troubled orphan that fought crime instead of getting some clearly needed therapy" Wayne

Barbara "I'm smarter than you and I know it" Gordon

Dick "Hides serious anger issues behind a cheery disposition and humor" Grayson

Jason "Actually deeply traumatized from dying but can't address it in any way that isn't a joke or horrifically violent" Todd

Cassandra "You only see me because I let you" Cain

Tim "Walking definition of if you want something done right do it yourself" Drake

Stephanie "Idk man I just work here" Brown

Duke "I somehow managed to gaslight the world into thinking I was the sane one in the family" Thomas

Damian "The only thing worse than my daddy issues is my mommy issues" Wayne

Alfred "The real only sane member of this family and the only reason any of them are still alive" Pennyworth

[iyohme]

and i know that you mean so well;

but i am not a vessel for your good intent!

("Tongues and Teeth," - The Crane Wives)

my serotonin got jetpack bursted into the stratosphere with this blurb by OP. Your brain is so juicy and moist and wrinkly OP. Godspeed. I'm not even into DC but the whole "Burnt out and neglected, and now a bunch of people driven by guilt guilt guilt want me back so they can feel less guilty?" just made the racoon in me rub its hands menacingly hoho

Just imagine not even living your best life; just a shadow in the lives of the illustrious Waynes, a ghost in a castle, visible only to the loyal servant and the occasional curious paparazzi who shrugs and looks away--after all, there was no mention of you in any occasion: must be the kid of in-house staff. How nice of Brucie Wayne to allow even the children of in-house staff the opportunity to study at such a high-end college! (The reporters chortle and snicker at your barely-passing marks, sighing at such a wasted opportunity. Oh well. And then they move on to the tabloid topic of the week, after the strutting socialites and the rich and the arrested Rogues.)

You gather things.

You gather pieces of a cracked dream, a single plastic teacup you had brought into the cavernous mansion the day you held Alfred's old, gnarled hand. Ears ringing and slippers still stained with your parent's blood as they were gunned down before your very eyes. You gather your things, what made you before you were "Wayne," so to say. Your mother's old cigarette box, smuggled from the crime scene, your one memento of the woman who you could not forget but never forgive.

A juxtaposition of love and hate, forever crucified. The image of the Virgin Mary inside the tin box seems to be a mockery of faith, across from her image lying cheap cigarettes.

You gather test papers, all barely passing and with more reds than blacks, and grind them up into strips with the shredder you had brought; just one time the black card Wayne had given you, and it left the bitterest, sourest aftertaste in your mouth. They burn so cozily on the school Bunsen burners, especially when sprayed with alcohol, immediately immolating like timelapse sparkler videos. You gather your name before the Incident, you cherish it, and you repeat the syllables in the dead of night, spilling past your mouth. Even if it was the name of a child-abusing monster, it was still yours, and it was still of use.

And use it, you would.

While they go and be a family, you work to begin yours.

You gather funds: it's easy to take on odd jobs when people do not suspect you. You tuck away that black card at the bottom of your study table drawers, forgotten there like scribbled-out pages of an essay, an unfinished drawing, and leftover candy wrappers. It's a bit-by-bit work, but you know the Waynes wouldn't even see it happening. Your brothers and sisters (an absurdly alien concept, as they don't even acknowledge you exist ninety-five percent of the time) are prodigies paraded around at every event. You are the unseen ghost flitting through their shadows.

Graduation comes and goes. It's laughably easy to falsify having lost your social security number and other documents--Gotham is that much of a shithole, you suppose. The man in the cowl notwithstanding. His efforts are admirable, but weak. Recidivism is common in this place, as if there were some sort of pull that incited the people in Gotham to cruelty, to madness.

It's absurdly Lovecraftian, in its own way.

You are not even living your best life, and yet you are free. Alfred knows; he always knows. If you are The Ghost, then the aged butler is a man one step between the doors of death, and he sees you every time you move. Your room is empty, and he raises an eyebrow at your satchel: all your items already stored elsewhere or given away.

("I suppose this was a long time coming, Little Master."

Tap tap tap. Footsteps on marble floors, setting sun.

You shrug. "Eh. The Waynes gave me a roof and education. It's all good."

You grunt. "Well, people change. Like you know, how kids being gifted stop being gifted when they grow older." You say, instead of 'Well, if a child doesn't get any praise or attention if they do good and probably even less if they were bad, why even bother?')

A pause. "Your academics were not so lackluster when you were younger."

You promise to try and stay in touch. (You crossed your fingers behind your back.) You leave, sunset on your face.

The nap you had in a dingy hotel with far too many odd stains and not enough locks you could put on was the soundest you've ever slept in years.

Freedom smells like summer air and the last rays of sun, followed by the cold blue hour.

It takes three months for an out-of-state college to accept you. It's far from Gotham. It has a dormitory. Excellent. While you were indeed a mediocre academic student, you had banked everything on band scholarships.

Who knew more than a hundred clarinet players had unclaimed scholarships yearly? Packing up your small life in bags, you take a train upwards to another state.

(Meanwhile, in Gotham, there is an odd sense of unease as Bruce Wayne stops by an inconspicuous door. It's relatively clean, as expected of his manor, but the worn out brass on the handle suggests that someone had lived there before. He opens the door. Steps in. A bed, a dresser, a study table. Bare bones.

The unease intensifies. But who?)

Someone had lived in here, yes.

[onnahu]

Batkids in Metropolis

For context: they have sunglasses on, bc it's Metropolis, and they're fucking Gothamites AND bats so...

Cass: It's so...

Cass: It's so bright here.

Duke: Right? How can anyone live here?

Steph *putting on second pair of sunglasses*: Oh man, it gives me flashbacks.

Tim: Wtf, Steph. Flashbacks to what?

Jason: To death. Duh.

*Steph and Jason high-five*

Dick *just wanted a break from Bruce's bullshit*: Sometimes I hate you so much. Why do everything have to be a death joke to you?

Steph: I don't know what you're talking about...

Steph: I'm dead sirious.

Duke: 1/5, unoriginal.

Steph: Hey!

Damian's home bc he's grounded. He skipped school again. Jason and Tim paughed at him and he's now plotting revenge.

[morganbritton132]

Jason decides that there’s something sketchy going on at the Drake Estate and then realizes that Wayne Manor is definitely big enough to hide someone in long enough for squatter’s rights to kick in. So, that’s his plan for the neighbor kid.

Tim agrees to this.

Two months in, Dick knows (Jason told him) and Jason comes home from patrol to find Stephanie there. Tim says, “This is Steph. She’s my best friend and she hit me with a brick. She lives here now too.”

[violent138]

Bruce definitely runs covert tests for brain damage on all the Batkids, an effort complicated by his own frequent head traumas and the fact that they're all nocturnal liars who quickly come up with ways to work around possible symptoms.

[bruciemilf]

One thing I wanna do more is include Battinson's complete lack of filter.

That scene at the funeral where Falcone tried to push that 'your father saved me for a reason' fantasy, which Bruce ended very quickly with his '' He took the Hippocratic oath" line

It can sure read as snarky, and in some parts, it was, -- Falcone's antourage surely saw it as that, -- but Bruce was completely serious.

It wasn't a diplomatic move on his part, but that's why it works. 'No filter' doesn't generally entail being rude and bold, it's your thoughts being faster than your mouth without considering how it'd sound out loud

Not to mention, Bruce wouldn't process sarcasm the same as everyone else. He's good at dishing it, for sure, but we've seen he's completely oblivious to obvious social ques,

If somebody were to be like, " haha maybe YOU'RE batman" him, the go to reaction would be " haha good one"

Bruce? Would start shaking on the spot. It's raining nerves out here. " No I'm not." With a blank face, " I'm not. I'm scared of bats. I hate bats. I wish bats never existed. I wish YOU never existed. Im sorry. Goodbye." Before taking off in a hurry.

[treasureplcnet]

assorted bodies doodles (transcript of that messy relationship square under the cut due to my handwriting/incoherency)

TAKE THESE W A GRAIN OF SALT i am like 90% joking:

hillinghead -> hasan, and vice versa: immediate mutual respect

hillinghead -> whiteman: he's incredibly smart, deceptively cunning but very kind. but he is also so annoying oh my god--

hillinghead -> maplewood: "please someone explain science fiction to me"

whiteman -> iris, and vice versa: two friends secretly think of the other as the sidekick

whiteman -> hillinghead: annoying him is quickly becoming a favorite pasttime

whiteman -> hasan: will not admit it but he wants parenting tips from her

hasan -> whiteman: has slipped a parenting book to him

hasan -> maplewood: deja vu about their future weirds her out a little, but she trusts her

iris -> hillinghead: fond of him from the time they spoke in the prison. enjoys fucking with him

iris -> hasan: SHE'S THE GOAT

[varpusvaras]

Roy and Jason got married in Vegas. It was after a mission and they had just been laying around in their hotel room and kinda joking about being in Vegas and not doing anything, and how they had seen so many people on their honeymoon there, and then they joke about people getting married in Vegas and how even Jason, with his minimal existing paperwork, could do it, and Roy goes really quiet for a moment before he says "we should get married"

"what"

"This is one of the only places where you can easily get married without all the hassle and for it still to be legally binding. we should get married"

"Is this your way of proposing to me?"

"Maybe? Yes"

"....okay, sure, let's get married"

And so they do. The thing is, it's been years now, and they still haven't told anyone.

[fishingisuniversal]

Superbat fic where the entire thing is from the Bat kids perspective as they try to prove that Bruce and Clark are dating

[hopefully-helpful-daemon]

People need to realize that this 'emotionally repressed' 'bad at communicating' 'doesn't know how to show love so doesn't even try' Bruce that's so popular with fandom, can't exist at the same time as 'best father of the year' 'tried his hardest' 'kind, compassionate grandfather' Alfred that the fandom loves so much !

[dizzyspice717]

Imagine you’re Bruce Wayne, you’re parents are killed in a regular mugging so you decide to devote your life to catching those criminals so no one goes through what you go through

AND THEN THE JOKER AND A BUNCH OF FUCKING OTHER PEOPLE INCLUDING SOME FRIENDS BECOME SUPER VILLAINS

so instead of spending your time catching small time thugs and corporate scams, you gotta deal with a clown serial killer and the rest of the circus.

Id be so pissed

[cassandracain52]

The Batfamily on a roadtrip:

Bruce: The Driver. You really thought his control freak ass was gonna let someone else drive? Be so fr. Has a migraine the size of the WatchTower and has been seriously contemplating pulling over, getting out of the car, and just walking. Not anywhere particular, just walking away. Has already had to pull over twice to swap seating arrangements around and they've only driven 3 1/2 hours out of 11. (They will do this at least 3 more times before they reach their destination)

Barbara: Shotgun. Declared that as second oldest and second most experienced vigilante that the front seat was her birth given right. No one contested it(successfully anyway). Has been helpfully navigating the fastest route much to Bruce "I know where I'm going" Wayne's annoyance. (Her way was in fact more efficient and she is incredibly smug about it.)

Jason: Behind the Passenger seat. Wanted the front seat but wasn't willing to physically fight Babs for it which was what she assured him it would have taken to get her to move. Brought a backpack full of nothing but snacks that he is only sharing with people that aren't actively annoying him aka Cass. Keeps playing words with friends with Roy on his phone and is Kicking Ass

Cassandra: Middle Left. Volunteered for the middle seat because she wanted to sit next to Jason aka the Snack Source while still being close enough to comfortably talk to Babs and Steph. Is one of the few enjoying the drive and just in general living her best life. Somehow painted both her own and Steph’s nails perfectly while the car was in motion. No one is sure how she did this and they were watching

Stephanie: Middle Right. Was originally sitting Middle Back next to Tim but caused the first seat swap when she got bored and decided Tim made suitable entertainment(imagine like in Detective comics #1000). Bruce declared the car a "No Flirting Zone" shortly after. Pouted for all of thirty seconds before she realized she got to sit next to Cass and abandoned Tim without a second thought. Is also the person pointing to the window and going “cows!” Whenever they pass some

Dick: Behind the Driver's seat. Chose his seat while everyone else was fighting for shotgun because he wanted to be able to see Babs during the drive so they could talk without shouting.(he knew good and well she was winning that fight). Has had a few arguments with Jason but they didn't last or get out of hand with Cass between them. Did manage to steal a bag of chips from Jason’s snackpack while he was on his phone. The roadtrip was his idea and he refuses to admit it was not well thought out.

Tim: Back Left. Was thoroughly betrayed when Steph abandoned him to be left with the two youngest bats and said so at length. Only quieted when Jason threw a pack of gummy worms at his head with a demand for silence. Brought an abundance of handheld electronics despite knowing he gets car sick. He threw up on the side of the road 90 minutes into the trip and Dick confiscated anything that had a screen until they reached their destination. He is his own worst enemy. Has since resorted to playing the license plate game with Duke

Duke: Back Middle. Was originally in between Cass and Dick but had to move to sit Back Left next to Damian when Steph took his spot. He stayed there for exactly 45 minutes before Damian caused the second seat swap when he attempted to strangle Tim with his headphones because he was "breathing obnoxiously". Is now a human barrier and he hates it. Jason offered him a small amount of sympathy by offering him some Sour Patch Kids. Duke accepted them. Bruce was more sympathetic and gave him DJ control. Is mostly just talking with Tim who is bored since his electronics were taken.

Damian: Back Right. Attempted to attack Stephanie with a pillow because he “couldn’t listen to her and Drake anymore and she was closer” before the first seat swap occurred. Did not regret his actions in the slightest. Warned his father that nothing good would come from him sitting directly beside Tim, was ignored, and then moved when "nothing good" did indeed come. Despite these to things, he actually spent the majority of the drive with his headphones on full volume and messing around on his phone while he pretended to be anywhere other than there.

Alfred: In The Car Following Behind Them. Yeah there was no way he was getting in that car. He knows a recipe for disaster when he sees one. Didn't hesitate to "offer" that he would happily transport all the luggage and supplies and meet them there. Was already loaded up and ready to go in a separate car before anyone could question him. Somehow got there first and had made dinner for them when they all finally showed up with half the car at war with the other half. Peace was made only in the name of Alfred’s cooking

[dankgemestho]

Got an art request for Damian to "sit like shrimp" and it took me a while to figure out what that meant but I think I finally figured it out! I actually like the flat colors but I still had to give Damian's skin some blush even if it doesnt fit in well. Honestly I think it makes him pop more and I like that!