#alfred knows what's up

[varpusvaras]

When Dick started to spend more time with his team, and started to talk about Wally just as much as he talked about Starfire, Bruce knew that they needed to have a talk.

"I don't care if you like boys or girls", Bruce had said. "Just promise me that you won't date Oliver Queen's son."

Not that he had anything against Roy, Bruce just really did not want to deal with Oliver any more than he already had to.

"Sure", Dick had said, in a way that very clearly implicated that if Bruce ever annoyed him too much, he would do exactly that simply to spite him.

Jason was a lot easier in regards to relationships. No teams or teammates or relationship problems that roused from having several teenagers spending a lot of time together in close quarters. Compared to Dick, Jason always looked younger and smaller, and Bruce didn't even think about talking to him about it. Not yet. They still had time to do it.

They didn't.

Jason was gone, and then he was back, and Bruce really, really did not have the time or even thought to talk to him about dating girls or boys.

And maybe that wasn't even the part that they should've talked about. No, the part they should've talked about was not dating Oliver Queen's son.

Not that Bruce had anything against Roy. He smart and resourceful and respectful (he always volunteered to help Alfred every time he came to the Manor), and he was a good father. That was especially a quality that Bruce could respect. Roy was good to Jason, in seemingly every way that mattered.

It was just that now Bruce had to deal with Oliver. Well, not in a way that he had to see Oliver more often, but he certainly had to deal with him more. Especially since every single time Bruce and Jason had an argument, Jason would spend more time at Oliver and Dinah's place, and Oliver would every single time without fail rub it in to Bruce's face.

After one of said arguments that hit a bit too close to the Holidays, Bruce knew that he had to do something. He couldn't take Oliver's smug face from having all of his kids and one of Bruce's over at their place. Bruce needed to invite them over first. Jason would understand the invitation as the olive branch that it was.

He had called Jason, but it was Roy who picked up. That was good, actually. Roy was many times easier to talk to than Jason. At least he greeted Bruce normally instead of calling him an asshole right from the get-go.

"We could come visit", Roy said, and Bruce took it was the win it was. "I'm just pretty sure that you have something to say to Jason, first."

Bruce had many things to say to Jason all the time.

"Hn", he said.

"That last argument sounded pretty bad", Roy continued, calmly and sweetly. "I'm sure that both of you said things you didn't mean to, but just because you didn't mean them doesn't mean it's okay. So, is there something you would like to say to Jason?"

"Hn." Was Bruce on speaker? Jason hadn't said anything to indicate that he could hear Bruce.

"What's the word?" For a split second, it was like Alfred was on the other side of the line, and Bruce found himself speaking before he could think about it properly.

"I'm sorry", he said.

"Thank you!" Roy sounded like he was smiling widely. "We'll be there, then!"

Roy hung up. Bruce put his phone down, his head spinning slightly.

"I assume that Master Jason and Master Roy will be over, then?" Alfred asked.

"Yes", Bruce said.

"That is splendid to hear." Alfred patted Bruce on his arm. "Good man, that Master Roy. He has certainly read his books on parenting, it seems."

Bruce leaned on his desk, his mind reeling with the realisation that he had just been out-dadded by his son's boyfriend.

A good man, Alfred had said. Bruce couldn't do anything else but agree.

[kettlefire]

As Good as Good Gets (DP X DC Snippet)

Richard "Dick" Grayson is the golden child. In the eyes of the public, and in the eyes of the league. Dick is a sweet, caring son, a man who went from being a sidekick to being a hero. The pipeline from Robin to Nightwing had many people applauding his dedication to keeping Gotham safe.

No one knew the full story, not truly. No one but Bruce Wayne himself. And maybe a certain butler. Many don't know that Dick only became Robin to stop him from hunting down and killing the man who killed his parents.

No one really knows about the harsh fights and arguments he has had with Bruce. The times when Dick would find himself cut off from the Wayne name for a week or so. No one knows that the first person Dick warmed up to was Alfred. Having been bribed with cookies.

Things weren't always this good, trusting, happy relationship between Bruce and Dick. It had been a rough ride, a complicated one. But that was okay, because it got better.

Dick stopped being so moody and angsty. He grew up, he learned, and he changed. He became an older brother, found people that needed him. Needed him in a way that the citizens of Gotham didn't need him.

His brothers like to call him annoying. A goody two shoes who Bruce trusted more than everyone else. They couldn't fathom how someone like Dick could be so stupid and bubbly at all times.

All times, except when shit hits the fans. Despite the name calling, despite coining Dick as the stupid Wayne. They all knew better. They knew that when it mattered, Dick Grayson always pulled through. He was a force to be reckoned with when needed.

The whole Wayne family was a force to be reckoned with when called for. It didn't have to be under the guise of costumes and vigilante acts. Whether he was Officer Grayson or Nightwing, Dick was a man with his morals and values.

One night on patrol as Officer Grayson, Dick found someone who needed that force. A force willing to protect and care for the innocent. The hurt. The damaged, yet still good.

It started like any other night. A call of shots fired by an empty warehouse. There was no sighting or knowledge of any rouges being there, so Dick took the call. Told the team he'll contact them if it seems more than just a civilian incident.

The warehouse was dark, reeked of copper and oil. It didn't take long for Dick to find the trail. The liquid he found looked like the person had been dragged before walking. There was a clear struggle, even with the mess and emptiness that was the warehouse.

That wasn't Dick's biggest concern. The concern lay in just how much blood there was. Too much for any normal person to lose and still manage to stumble through the warehouse.

It wasn't just blood. It wasn't that much, but Dick could spot the strangeness in the liquid. The mixed in green that had an eerily similar color and glow as a certain pit.

Without thinking, Dick followed the trail. Barely remembering to make contact with his family. Give them an update on what he found. Words telling him to stay put for backup went in one ear and out the other.

Something in Dick's gut was telling him he couldn't wait. He needed to find the source. Whoever was currently bleeding out in this warehouse. He silenced the comm, moving further through the dimly lit building.

Then Dick found it. Or more so, he found him. It was just a boy. A boy that reminded Dick too much of the youngest Wayne. A boy sat against a wall, looking pale and weak.

Red and green coated the front of the boy's shirt, arms wrapped tightly around his middle. An attempt to stem the bleeding. A puddle had already started to form beneath the boy, and Dick moved without thinking once again.

He quickly found himself kneeling beside the boy, hands carefully reaching out. Before Dick even touched him, the boy flinched. Eyelids suddenly opened, wide and terrified blue eyes landed on Dick's.

In just that one look, Dick knew what he had to do. The haunting, terrified, and pained look in the boy's eyes told Dick everything he needed to know. The boy was in danger. Someone had hurt this kid, and it was clear it wasn't the first time.

The boy struggled weakly against Dick's touch, terrified whimpers, and barely coherent pleas spilled from the kid's lips. It had Dick's heart aching, clear as day the poor kid has been through hell and back.

It took a lot of reassurance, gentle touches, and promises of help before the kid let Dick take a look at the bleeding wound. A promise on Dick's soul had been the final thing that earned him any semblance of trust. A strange promise, but Dick was willing to make it.

That concern turned to pure anger the moment Dick managed to pull the sticky shirt away from the wound. The sight of a Y-incision cut perfectly into the skin, stitches tight on the skin, but blood still leaking heavily from the wound.

It didn't take long for Dick to realize why. Despite the perfect surgical care of the wound, a good couple of stitches had broken. Leaving gaping spots for that red and green liquid to pour out of.

The boy was deathly silent, tears streaking down his cheek as wide blue eyes stayed trained on Dick. In that moment, Dick knew he had to help. Had to get the kid to safety, patch him up, and find out what kind of monster would do this.

It didn't matter if the kid was human or not. It didn't matter if the kid had special abilities or not. No one, absolutely no one, deserved to be vivisected.

The kid was shrouded in mystery, but that mystery only seemed to grow and become clearer when Bruce had entered the scene. The boy had tensed, eyes flashing a bright glowing green.

Lazarus pit green.

It set a pit of dread in Dick's gut. His mind brings forward memories of Jason. Jason, after his revival, after his dip in that cursed pit. The same flash that his brother would get if he got too angry. Too emotional.

As much as Dick wanted to focus on finding who did this, if it had any connection to Ra's al Ghul. He couldn't. Not when the kid tried to get up, to pull away as Bruce and the others made their way closer.

Right now, Dick only cared about making sure the boy was okay. Fixing those stitches, getting him a meal, and a warm bed.

He needed to get this kid someplace where he felt safe and secure. Comfortable and protected. Dick wasn't sure why. Maybe it was the promise he had made, but he wasn't letting anyone get to the kid.

That included his family. As strange as it seemed, Dick put himself between the others and the kid. Shooting them all a glare that they had only ever seen a handful of times.

Dick lifted the poor boy up in his arms, cradling the crying child close as he led the way out of the warehouse. Ignoring the questions or confusion coming from Bruce and the others. As Dick walked, feeling the trembling boy clinging to him, he made a rather obvious realization.

Maybe the eldest son really was more like Bruce than he expected. Just a few short moments the the boy, a boy that Dick didn't know his name, and he was ready to pull out adoption papers. To give the boy a safety he so desperately needs.

Give him the chance that Bruce had given him all those years ago.

[puppetmaster13u]

Meme Prompt 11

A three-way crossover this time

[onnahu]

Batkids in Metropolis

For context: they have sunglasses on, bc it's Metropolis, and they're fucking Gothamites AND bats so...

Cass: It's so...

Cass: It's so bright here.

Duke: Right? How can anyone live here?

Steph *putting on second pair of sunglasses*: Oh man, it gives me flashbacks.

Tim: Wtf, Steph. Flashbacks to what?

Jason: To death. Duh.

*Steph and Jason high-five*

Dick *just wanted a break from Bruce's bullshit*: Sometimes I hate you so much. Why do everything have to be a death joke to you?

Steph: I don't know what you're talking about...

Steph: I'm dead sirious.

Duke: 1/5, unoriginal.

Steph: Hey!

Damian's home bc he's grounded. He skipped school again. Jason and Tim paughed at him and he's now plotting revenge.

[morganbritton132]

Jason decides that there’s something sketchy going on at the Drake Estate and then realizes that Wayne Manor is definitely big enough to hide someone in long enough for squatter’s rights to kick in. So, that’s his plan for the neighbor kid.

Tim agrees to this.

Two months in, Dick knows (Jason told him) and Jason comes home from patrol to find Stephanie there. Tim says, “This is Steph. She’s my best friend and she hit me with a brick. She lives here now too.”

[violent138]

Bruce definitely runs covert tests for brain damage on all the Batkids, an effort complicated by his own frequent head traumas and the fact that they're all nocturnal liars who quickly come up with ways to work around possible symptoms.

[bruciemilf]

One thing I wanna do more is include Battinson's complete lack of filter.

That scene at the funeral where Falcone tried to push that 'your father saved me for a reason' fantasy, which Bruce ended very quickly with his '' He took the Hippocratic oath" line

It can sure read as snarky, and in some parts, it was, -- Falcone's antourage surely saw it as that, -- but Bruce was completely serious.

It wasn't a diplomatic move on his part, but that's why it works. 'No filter' doesn't generally entail being rude and bold, it's your thoughts being faster than your mouth without considering how it'd sound out loud

Not to mention, Bruce wouldn't process sarcasm the same as everyone else. He's good at dishing it, for sure, but we've seen he's completely oblivious to obvious social ques,

If somebody were to be like, " haha maybe YOU'RE batman" him, the go to reaction would be " haha good one"

Bruce? Would start shaking on the spot. It's raining nerves out here. " No I'm not." With a blank face, " I'm not. I'm scared of bats. I hate bats. I wish bats never existed. I wish YOU never existed. Im sorry. Goodbye." Before taking off in a hurry.

[monkesupreme]

As cute as that post is, the hc i live behind is that Bruce has been surrounded by rich people all his life and is so aware of the kind of nasty shit they do that hes like hyperaware of protecting his kids in the Right way, and that means being extremely blunt and nonchalant about sexual things they may or may not do. Hes the dad thats constantly reminding them to use condoms or buy this kind of lube for these kinds of toys and the kids HATE ITTTTT theyre like PLEASE OLD MAN. ENOUGH. I GET IT !!!!

Hes like got a million answers for everything bc HE did so much shit in his lifetime that hes a walking encyclopedia but they would literally Die before coming up to him for any sex related questions. Which is really unfortunate (for them) bc at least TWO of his children are dating aliens and old enough to Do Things and its impossible to just google [insert alien race] anatomy; the only people who have that information are the aliens in question and BRUCE bc hes the only fucker that keeps track of this shit !!! Going to Bruce for anything is soooo dire bc the reminder that he FUCKS is like too much for them to bear, esp when hes out patrolling w Selina or Clark and hes like smiling and bickering w them its like NOOOO THATS RIGHT NOT THEM TOO ‘oh my fucking goddd not uncle clark’ <- jason about to literally explode from how red his fucking face is

[hopefully-helpful-daemon]

People need to realize that this 'emotionally repressed' 'bad at communicating' 'doesn't know how to show love so doesn't even try' Bruce that's so popular with fandom, can't exist at the same time as 'best father of the year' 'tried his hardest' 'kind, compassionate grandfather' Alfred that the fandom loves so much !

[dizzyspice717]

Imagine you’re Bruce Wayne, you’re parents are killed in a regular mugging so you decide to devote your life to catching those criminals so no one goes through what you go through

AND THEN THE JOKER AND A BUNCH OF FUCKING OTHER PEOPLE INCLUDING SOME FRIENDS BECOME SUPER VILLAINS

so instead of spending your time catching small time thugs and corporate scams, you gotta deal with a clown serial killer and the rest of the circus.

Id be so pissed

[varpusvaras]

Roy and Jason got married in Vegas. It was after a mission and they had just been laying around in their hotel room and kinda joking about being in Vegas and not doing anything, and how they had seen so many people on their honeymoon there, and then they joke about people getting married in Vegas and how even Jason, with his minimal existing paperwork, could do it, and Roy goes really quiet for a moment before he says "we should get married"

"what"

"This is one of the only places where you can easily get married without all the hassle and for it still to be legally binding. we should get married"

"Is this your way of proposing to me?"

"Maybe? Yes"

"....okay, sure, let's get married"

And so they do. The thing is, it's been years now, and they still haven't told anyone.

[thegurlwhoisntthere]

Fun little thought I thought I’d share 😋

Imagine, it’s the big showdown between Red Hood and Batman, Joker’s unconscious form slumped nearby, completely bound.

Red hood, Jason, demands that Batman kill him. That after everything he’s done, all the people he’s killed, he pleads with his dad to kill the Batman (although he’d never admit that he still loves the man as a father, not yet).

There’s some dramatic back and forth where Batman refuses and Red Hood insists pleads that Batman Bruce kill the joker, until Bruce rips off the cowl and reveals that he did!

He did kill the Joker! He wore his favorite suit and grabbed two $1000 watches and used them as brass knuckles and beat the fucker to death! He burned his body and buried the ashes outside of the goddamn Fortress of Solitude so no one would find them! He folded up the bloodied suit and boxed them with the broken watches and put them a hidden compartment in the base of Jason’s memorial in the cave, where no one would ever touch or find them! He waited until Superman was off world so he wouldn’t stop him again and told no one of what he did!

And how that ends is up to y’all. I just think that it’s interesting how there are canonically 3 Jokers (possibly more if dc changes their mind) and wouldn’t it be fun if Bruce knowingly murdered one of them only for another to pop up and make him suicidal to the point where a little Timothy Drake needs to blackmail his way into being Robin so he doesn’t kill himself?

[dankgemestho]

Got an art request for Damian to "sit like shrimp" and it took me a while to figure out what that meant but I think I finally figured it out! I actually like the flat colors but I still had to give Damian's skin some blush even if it doesnt fit in well. Honestly I think it makes him pop more and I like that!

[welcometogrouchland]

I like to think that when the batfamily inevitably runs out of money and jobless Bruce, Tim, and Dick* find themselves in financial need, Steph reveals that she's made thousands of dollars taking odd jobs around Gotham City that we just never saw bc Steph hasn't been in a comic for months. Nobody checked in on her and while they weren't looking she made 6 grand babysitting and playing piano at a local theatre. Bruce has to grovel for enough money to buff out a scratch on the batmobile and Steph is revelling in it. This is the closest she's ever going to get to being a supervillain

*(Cass and Jason don't need money to survive on account of being homeless as kids + Babs funds Cass' basic needs and Damian is on his mom's payroll, same w/ duke even if it's obvs not al ghul money)

[mikakuna]

the absolute horror and offence in his face at alfred taking away his dinner is perfectly captured

[ragnarokhound]

omg sweetie pie don’t talk about chains I’ll BLUSH. definitely never been into that…

How do you think the rest of the Batfam reacts to Jaytim finally happening (something along the lines of your secretary fic) ?

I think Cass knew how they felt before them, Damian is disgusted (but secretly pleased), Dick found out by walking in on them at Tim’s apartment, and Bruce had no idea and has none until Jason tells him point blank. Alfred? Somehow orchestrated the whole thing.

I'll keep that in mind babe ;) (*adds 'Spicy Hardware' to the budget)

Ohoho, that is a fun question, and one that I often have trouble answering because I am like a horse with blinders on when it comes to my hyperfixations and my ships OTL Jason and Tim usually get the brunt of my obsessive analysis, leaving only minimal room for other characters to squeeze their way in. RIPeroni you two ❤️

That being said, I'm a huge liar because I do actually have some Thoughts lol

It largely depends on the state of the verse we're in and how involved the others were in watching their courtship go down, so without further adieu, here's how I think the batfam would react to finding out about jaytim's newly minted relationship in my secretary!au fic:

So in Secretary!AU in particular, the others weren't involved to an almost suspicious degree 😳 Tim is losing his mind for a month over Jason daylighting as his secretary, and he never finds out anything resembling the truth from anyone? What??

Which of course means some of them were simply unaware because they don't give a shit or assume Tim isn't suffering (Damian, Duke, Bruce) and some ARE aware to some degree that this is unusual and came to their own conclusions. And promptly decided to stay out of it (Dick, Babs, Steph, Cass, Alfred - Duke might actually be here, it depends lol)

In particular, Steph hears Tim's mini rant/breakdown Day 1 and is simply too amused. Because she watched him suddenly start deflecting Jason's attention 3 months ago, and oh boy does this feel like a comeuppance. She's got popcorn and is asking things like, 'i dunno Tim, why do you think Jason followed you to the office where you have to reliably be?' and after all of it, when he shows up with a hickey after patrolling with Jason that night, she golf claps at him

Cass shrugs at Tim when he vents where she can hear, because she's been waiting for them to figure this out for like. A year now. She is surprised when Tim had his Jason-shaped epiphany because she knows that Tim has been Into Jason ever since that time in the park with Poison Ivy, and Jason called him a princess for getting particular about decon. (Similarly, Cass also knew that Jason has been low-key into Tim since the time before that, when Tim ugly laughed so hard at a joke Jason made at Dick's expense that he nearly inhaled a french fry). When they get together, she is standing next to Steph, also golf clapping because Steph told her it would be funny

Dick had to listen to Jason complain about Tim ghosting him a month or two into it (Jason and Dick were in each other's vicinity and Jason asked how Tim was doing. Dick said he was 'fine, why?' And Jason scowled and muttered, 'No reason. Feel like he's been dodging me, is all' and a tiny red alert pinged in the back of Dick's head) so when he hears that Jason is at Wayne Tower and that Tim is having vent sessions about it with Steph, his eyebrows shoot waaaay up. He kind of hopes that the Tower is still standing after Jason's done getting whatever vengeance he has in mind (Jason's prank war game is both legendary and unhinged). When he finds out what actually transpires (or rather, guesses what transpired), he has a small moment of relief because 'oh phew, is that all?' and then immediately BSODs because 'WAIT WHAT, IS THAT WHY YOU GUYS ARE CLAPPING--'

Babs quietly figured out why Tim was panicking pretty early because no one ghosts someone for having a good, fun, tbh flirty relationship for literally any other reason. She wondered vaguely if Jason was going to a) clock it and then b) do anything about it, and then equally quietly paused auto-uploads on Wayne Tower office footage so that she could make Tim review it instead. She simply Will Not be the one to log the data from Monday morning, thanks.

Damian did not and does not give a fuck. He briefly questions Todd's sanity. Then immediately discards that thought because it's Todd. He would like Grayson to quit yelling at that octave though, because his 'i'm secretly happy for you but also hurt that you didn't confide in me' shouting is very grating and makes Damian nervous.

Duke I'm on the fence about, but I lean towards 'i was sitting over on the bench' for him. He was so busy Staying In His Lane that he simply did not notice that this was happening. 'Uh, congrats, I guess?'

Bruce was keeping tabs on the situation. He does not plan to review the footage either. He has ten more gray hairs than he did yesterday, and is pondering how their relationship might affect their performance in the field, but trusts that Tim has likely thought through the ramifications and likely scenarios that should need to be compensated for. (Being involved with your teammate can be frightening and stressful; it could lead to strain between the two of you, and opens new vulnerabilities up for exploitation. But it can also be deeply, deeply rewarding. Hm.) (also shout-out to the one commenter who theorized that Bruce was the one on the other end of the phone call that Jason yanked the cord on. LMAO. ROFL, even.)

Alfred defuses the tension in the cave by reminding everyone to please finish their reports, and that there are refreshments in the dining room upstairs when they are finished, should anyone be joining the household for dinner tonight. He is very pointedly looking at Jason and Tim when he says this, because they Will be joining the household for dinner tonight, because it is the duty and privilege of a grandfather to tease his grandson (Jason) for having a boyfriend (Tim). Idk if Alfred called it in quite the same way as Cass, but he knew there was something interpersonal they needed to work out, and also that Tim has had a crush on Robin for his Entire Life, so he's not exactly surprised.

...aaaand sorry if I skipped anyone, but that's my list lol