#again i've only just finished act 2 and need some time to process all of it

[mettywiththenotes]

I literally just finished Act 2 but

VIKTOR AND JINX ON THE SAME SCREEN THEY INTERACTED THEY DID IT

"Ask for a miracle healer, get a metal fortune cookie." "*cough* Cookie."

"However, I have one condition."

"Looks like you've got a couple."

"You have much to offer this commune, Powder."

"Your talents can be used to build, instead of destroy."

"I'll... stick with what I know, thanks."

AND THE CROWD GOES WILD!!!!

THAT'S 4 TICKS OFF THE WISHLIST BABY

[holy-reference-in-a-username]

if you have paid any attention to my ramblings on my process, you know that i tend to rethink my comics and toss out a lot of work if im not satisfied with how it turned out. so i thought id share some previews of comics that have gone unseen, and why they havent been posted (yet?) in order of how likely i am to finish and/or post them :)

(under cut bc long post)

Be nice to each other: Main 4. Tomtord/Polyworld, angst. 4 pages. Matt confronts Tom and Tord on how have been acting, accidentally compelling them into saying how they really feel.

Status: abandoned.

I drew this one quite a while ago and i still really like the dialogue and character interactions i wrote for it! vampire hypnosis is a super cool concept and im definitely going to use it in the future, but this ultimately didnt pan out how i wanted it to.

Why it's not posted: while the buildup and climax are really good, this would be a huge mess to clean up. this would require some serious work both between the four of them and on my part for writing and drawing all of that!! plus, it would totally change the relationship dynamic between Tom and Tord, possibly ending it altogether (and i still have so much i want to do with them!!!)

Ed and Edd: Eduardo, Edd, Eduardo's mother. No pairings, angst. 3 pages. Eduardo can't wait to introduce himself at school, but he's got competition for the name he chose.

Status: abandoned.

Trans Eduardo is such a good concept. imagine figuring out who you are only to find out someone else already is that. of course you're going to hate them.

Why it's not posted: two main reasons. one is that i couldn't figure out how to end the comic (a recurring theme lol), but another is that i'm still not super confident with writing Eduardo yet. ...or writing children. so kid Eduardo is a challenge.

Can't tell where you're looking: Tommatt, fluff. 3 pages. Tom isn't as sneaky as he thinks he is.

Status: on my list!

Tommatt fans, i have heard your pleas i have received your asks. it's on my list.

Why it's not posted: i had a great idea, drew several pages, thought about it, and decided it sucked, actually. it can be reworked, but my motivation did not get out unscathed.

Bad (?) Dream: Tomtord, uh.... yeah thats just smut huh. 2 pages. A bad dream for one and a good dream for the other.

Status: ???

I'm not saying SHIT.

Why it's not posted: originally, it was because i didn't want to post suggestive stuff on this blog. now, it's because i found better ways to cover the concepts in this comic. Y'all will simply have to wait and see ;)

Matt figures it out: Matt, Tom. could be Tommatt. hurt/comfort. a collection of random sketches. Matt figures out how to turn into a bat! It sucks!

Status: on my list!

I've been wanting to talk about this SOOOO BAD!!! because why would you transform in a second via a poof of smoke when it could be an hour-long painful disturbing process?! honestly could be described as hurt/comfort/hurt.

Why it isn't posted: well for one it barely counts as a comic, just random sketches and a general idea. to be fair thats how most of my comics start, but... you know. i havent worked on it in a while mainly because the characters need to solve some personal problems first.

Not tonight: Tordmatt. fluff/suggestive. 2 pages. Matt's got pointy ears again, and Tord knows what that means!

Status: on my list!

TORDMATT FANS I HAVE ALSO HEARD YOUR PLEAS! Also, yippee i get to infodump about my headcanons via a comic

Why it's not posted: unfinished, and i hit a bit of a road block. usually its in writing, but this time its in the art half! so i have no idea how to get around it yet!!!

Puberty sucks fr. imagine losing an eye: Tom, Tom's mother. no pairings. angst. 3 pages. When did Tom's eyes change?

Status: on my list!

You all remember the soul-crushing existential grief that started at the same time as puberty, right? No, just me? Huh.

Why it isn't posted: layout isn't quite what im looking for :/ also, a half-naked child on tumblr, even in a completely non-sexual context, is something i am slightly apprehensive about!

Something's wrong: Main 4. Polyworld, angst/suggestive. 20+ pages. Tom doesn't feel well. Edd, Matt, and Tord try to help.

Status: actively working on it

Oh, you guys remember that poll? Haha thats funny. Yeah i'm still working on this one.

Why it isn't posted: uh its not done yet. and also i am unsure of whether or not it will be allowed on tumblr. or whether or not i want people to speculate on my entire deal.

...and while i'm here:

Communication comic part 6: IN PROGRESS!! these idiots need to establish boundaries. all of them. i believe <3

Zombie Tord part 4: ON MY LIST! i want to get through the communication comic first :3

thank u for reading all my ramblings :D! i am so fucking excited to continue working on all of my dumb shit and i am so happy that ppl like said dumb shit

[mybelovedwoo]

in which he shows you his new room

wooyoung x f!reader

fluff, established relationship, smut / wc: 2.2k

warnings: SMUT, unprotected sex, oral (fem receiving), making out, use of petnames, suuuper vanilla!!!

note: okay so this is my first official smut. i don't know what I think about it, or if I'm gonna write more in the future, I first have to figure it out if I'm comfortable enough with it. this was just a try. please tell me how you liked it, so that I can know if I should or shouldn't write something similar in the future.

You were so excited to finally see your boyfriend's new room in real life. He recently moved out of his old apartment, where he lived with all eight of the boys, and now they moved to a bit smaller one, but it's divided into three groups, of 3:3:2. You were one of those people who helped him pick out all the furniture and decorations he bought for it, but he didn't let you see the whole of the room until it was all finished.

You went on a shopping spree, with Wooyoung, San, and both of their moms. It was nice that you weren't the only responsible one there, because you would have been in big trouble with only the two boys. Wooyoung most definitely wanted the opinion of the two most important women of his life.

But it's been almost a month since they moved into their new apartment, and he finally invited you to sleep over at his place because he claimed that his room was perfectly done now. You didn't mention it to him, but you were actually pretty disappointed that you couldn't help him with the whole moving process. It would have been so much fun, and you loved to spend every time with him that you possibly can. But you understood that he wanted this as a surprise for you.

It's going to be a bit strange that you finally going to have some privacy at his place too. Until now you could act all lovey-dovey at your place only because he lived with seven other boys and shared a room with two of them. It was impossible to have privacy there, let's be honest. It happened one time, that you kissed him in front of one of them at the old dorm and you were told not to do it ever again when they are around because apparently, "it's gross". Wooyoung was mad at them because after that you paid attention to it, and he said "my girlfriend isn't even kissing me because of you guys" all the time when he initiated a kiss and you rejected it.

You texted Wooyoung that you are about to arrive, so he can be all ready and help you find their door. You just knew you can't find it alone in this huge building. And he did so, he was already waiting for you at the front of the building complex.

"Hey, beautiful." He greeted you with a sweet kiss and took the bag out of your hands. You were glad you didn't have to ask him to do so because your hands were about to fall off if you had to carry it even for one more minute. You weren't an over-packer, but you came for the whole night and you have to go to work the next day, so had to pack all the stuff you needed to make yourself at least a bit presentable.

You took the elevator, the building was a lot higher than the previous one. "Nobody's home yet. So we can do whatever we want." Wooyoung flashed a very playful smile at you, he even winked at you. "And what do we want to do?" You asked him back as you raised your eyebrows with a questioning look. You know he's not that bold to say out loud what he's thinking about, he just likes to tease you, and what he likes, even more, is when you tease him back.

He just laughed it off because he got all shy, as always. When you got to the door, he entered the pin code and said "I've already talked with Hongjoong and Jongho and they both agreed that I can give you the pin, so you can come in and out whenever you want." He placed a peck on your left cheek after it, and let you go in first, as the gentleman he is. It wasn't anything new to anyone, you had the pin to the other dorm too, it was an obvious thing for the boys too since you were basically living there.

"Woah, it is so different." You looked around the unfamiliar space with sparkling eyes, trying to take in every new thing to remember it for later. First of all, he showed you the kitchen, it was a bit smaller than the last one, but it's still enough for the three of them. He told you he's going to cook you all your favorite meals in here while you are going to give him company, just as you do in your place. He even said that he's gonna learn new recipes and gonna improve his cooking skill.

After that, he showed you the bathroom, because it's an essential, especially tonight when you stay the night. It only has a shower, no bath, nothing else than the previous one. Of course, you were also interested in these parts of the apartment, but you were already very impatient since you wanted to see his room the most, and how it turned out.

"So where is your room?" You couldn't take it anymore, but you didn't know that he did it on purpose, to make you more anticipated and to tease you of course. "You are so impatient, baby." He chuckled knowing that his plan worked.

"You know I am, so are you gonna show me or did I come here for nothing?" You pulled his arm, to give in to you. It works most of the time because he actually can't say no to you, he just likes to act like a tough guy. 

"I thought you came because of me." He pouted. You pulled him close to you by his shoulders and kissed that pout off of his face. You can never resist it when he does that, sometimes you annoy him on purpose just so you could see it.

You slowly pulled your face away from him, but only that far away to be able to see his face clearly. "You know my weakness so well." He whispered so quietly, you could barely hear it. Wooyoung's biggest weakness was you, it wasn't a secret.

"Come, this is my room." He gave in to you and opened the door that was closest to the kitchen. As you entered the familiar scent of your boyfriend hit you immediately. It felt comforting as if you just arrived home from a long trip. The whole room looked like him, you saw his personality in everything. You couldn't help but smile.

"So, you like it?" He asked you nervously. "I got the bigger bed as San's mom suggested!" He hopped on his bed, showing off how much space he has now. The only thing you saw from his bedroom before was his bed when you went on that shopping spree with them, you tried out many beds, but San's mom was right this was the nicest of them all.

"I like it a lot." You hopped down next to him on the bed and he instantly put his arms around you, just out of habit. "I like it because you like it." You added and cupped his left cheek with your hand, then gave a peck to his mouth. You both smiled into that kiss.

-

You were laying on your stomach on Wooyoung's bed watching as your boyfriend played a video game on his tv in front of you, he was sitting on his beanbag. You loved these "quiet" moments with him, that were not so quiet because of his yelling when he was close to losing. 

You were getting bored so you stood up stretching out a little. "I think I'm gonna take a shower. You can join me if you want." You wanted him to pay some attention to you it wasn't something you concealed. But you knew him too much, so you knew he most likely won't when he's in the middle of his game, not because he didn't want to, but because he can't multitask.

"Yeah yeah, just go ahead." He turned his head towards you, but he didn't take his eyes off of the tv. You didn't take it to heart so you went to take a long shower, using his body wash because you forgot yours at home and now you smell like your boyfriend.

You took your time with that hot shower, but the time you went back to his room you saw he started a new game. He promised you that the previous game would be his very last one, and you can watch a movie together after. You don't know what got into you, but instead of dressing up in your pajamas, you decided to sit on your boyfriend's lap facing him, maybe being annoyed with him or the lack of attention did it.

It took him off guard, that he immediately forgot about his game, you heard his friends yelling at him from the other side of his headphones, but he just ignored them. "Hey." Was all you said with a sheepish smile, knowing what you just started. He took his controller in his hands once again, but just to shut the game down for good now.

"I see you finished your shower already." He placed his hands on both sides of your hips. "I guess I missed my chance." Ohh so he did hear what you offered to him, he just didn't live with the opportunity.

There was just a thin layer of the towel wrapped around your body, nothing else, just your naked body under it. "I was hoping that you would join me, but I guess I'm not that important to you." You tried to get up from your seat, but his hands were strongly glued on your hips, you couldn't even move an inch from there.

"I'm giving you all my attention to you now baby." And he took your breath away with a passionate kiss. He always knew how to work you on, he knew you and your body like nobody else ever. He deepened his kiss with every move of his mouth, pulling your body closer and closer to him until it wasn't possible anymore. Your hips started moving on their own, you had no control over your body, only one person did. You could feel his bulge growing underneath you, you could feel everything since you had nothing on to cover it.

He was the one who pulled away first, you were chasing after his lips, wanting more, but also you were a little glad he did so you could catch your breath a little. "God, I didn't even realize how much I missed you."

"Then show me how much you missed me." You wrapped your arms around his neck, and he picked you up from that position, holding you by your butt to carry you over to the bed. On the way, the towel from around your body slipped away somewhere in the room. He carefully places you on it, you settle into a more comfortable position so now your head is on the pillow.

He climbed on top of you and started kissing you once again more softly now than before. Wooyoung impatiently discovered every curve of your body with his hands, then his kisses drifted lower and lower. First, he started kissing your neck,  tracing wet spots on your sensitive skin. He couldn't settle in one place, then he continued to travel down through your chest and then down to your lower abdomen, worshipping every part of your body.

Just before he reached between your legs, he looked up at you and asked "Can I have you?", you looked deep into his eyes and said a really breathy "please", you couldn't cover up your pleasure, actually you didn't want to either. He loved seeing your facial expressions as he pleased you, how your face changed with his every move, he loved seeing how much control he has over you.

Just when you felt your orgasm building up, you grabbed Wooyoung's hair, so he won't stop until you finish. But just right then he got out of your grasp and stopped his work. You looked down at him, seeing a smug smile on his face, you were confused why he stopped, but before you could ask him that question as if he read your mind he answered you. "I don't want you to have your orgasm just yet." He gave a quick peck on your pouty lips.

"Then please, I want you so bad." You pulled him closer to you and kissed him passionately, your hands got to work and you started undressing him. First, you helped him take off his shirt, then unbuttoned his jeans, he did the rest of it on his own while you waited for him patiently. He tried to be as quick as possible, so you don't have to wait for too long. He didn't even waste any time and got back to you, continuing to kiss you as much as you deserved it, and when you finally became one with each other, he couldn't decide what to kiss so he switched between your lips and neck. 

As your bodies synchronized,  you moved in one rhythm. The closeness, the fact that he is here with you and anyone else, the love you felt in your heart got you on the edge of the cliff. And with one last thrust of his hips, you both came at the same time and give each other all the love you have.

After staying like that for a few minutes to be able to come off of your highs, he pushed himself off of you and laid down on your right wrapping his arms around your torso. He gave a kiss on the top of your head with a "mwahhh" sound. "I guess the new apartment is inaugurated now."

-

taglist* @laylasbunbunny @yeow6n (you can message me if you want to be added or removed)

[shiki-aki]

Any ShikiAki doujinshi recc? I've only read the tentacle one

THE FACT THAT I INSTANTLY KNEW WHICH DJ YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT WHEN YOU SAID "the tentacle one" LMAOOOO I LOVE THAT ONE IT'S REALLY HOT and Shiki is just so dom in it...

ohhh but this is a really fun question, thanks for asking! I do have some personal favorite Shikiaki doujinshi, but if you have time and are really hungry for content, I also recommend checking out all the Shikiaki doujinshi here: https://myreadingmanga.info/togainu-no-chi-dj/

Anyway I do have a few that I love to reread (and I'm gonna use this as an opportunity to gush about them lol) so I'll list them here. They're not in any particular order (except for the first one which definitely takes the spot as my favorite).

Ragdoll

(I recommend you actually read this doujinshi first before reading my thoughts here because I end up spoilering it oops, SORRY HAHA. I just have so many thoughts on this doujinshi and I love talking about it!)

This is my all-time favorite Shikiaki doujinshi because it's the one that really made me take a closer look at Shikiaki and search for the nuances in Shiki's route, back when I first finished Shiki's route. I think this artist truly understood the Shikiaki dynamic and the themes in Shiki's route, and it shows in their writing. Like I can't stress how important this doujinshi is to me lol, if it wasn't for this I would have likely just dropped Shikiaki as a ship and moved on, because yes on a surface level, Shikiaki does seem very shallow; I won't deny that, but when you dig deeper, you'll find that there's so many layers to the ship? I know that sounds incredibly cliche, but hey, that's what my meta is for lmao, so that I can actually explain my thought process behind why this ship is actually quite complex.

The artist nailed it in exploring the "possession" theme in the Shikiaki dynamic and how Shiki hides his true feelings for Akira behind framing it as Akira being his possession, but Shiki is also obsessed with who Akira is as a person and values him for the traits he has. Essentially it plays with the theme of Shiki objectifying, but also humanizing Akira at the same time, and like... the contradiction is just amazing because like I said in my meta, it adds nuance and depth to characters when they act in seemingly contradictory ways.

But the doujinshi doesn't just stop there; it also touches upon Akira's characterization and the theme of him obeying his own will, which I think is important when it comes to wanting to understand ED1. It's not that Akira follows his abuser because he's in love with Shiki; he follows Shiki out of his own free will, because Shiki was the only one to truly accept him and see him for who he is, and that's why Akira will accept Shiki for who he is, even if Shiki is in a catatonic state. Also this doujinshi opened my eyes to seeing how Shiki was the one to "bring back Akira's will to live," which is definitely a point I harp on a lot in my meta lolll.

This doujinshi also made me understand Akira's character arc, with Akira appreciating the beauty of nature for what it is in ED1, and how he wants Shiki to do the same. It shows the duality between them: neither Shiki nor Akira appreciated life for what it is, or even the fact of living. Shiki was too hellbent on his goal and pursued it in a self-destructive manner, while Akira viewed life as meaningless and didn't see a reason to pursue anything in life. So at the end of their character arcs, both Akira AND Shiki need to realize the importance of living in the moment so they can finally have a fulfilling life together.

tldr: this doujinshi changed my life and it's the reason why I'm stuck in Shikiaki hell

2. Amber Sunlight Lit Up the Jade Dewdrops

(GOD THE COVER ART IS JUST GORGEOUS)

This doujinshi is drawn by the same artist who did "Ragdoll," so you already know it's gonna be good lol. I love the angst in this, but also the soft fluff. Again this artist understands the Shikiaki dynamic really well and what their brand of subtle intimacy would look like. I do think Shiki is slightly OOC here, but only because the scenario itself falls into OOC territory (Shiki catching a cold lol). Otherwise I think the artist did extremely well in still executing the idea they wanted to draw while keeping Shiki's and Akira's characterizations intact.

3. Babelist

I love this ED2 doujinshi because of how possessive Shiki is lmao, like straight up, this is what I reread whenever I want to see Shiki acting super unhinged and possessive. It's just a really good portrayal of Shiki and Akira's dynamic in ED2, with Akira being loyal to Shiki (but also trying to maintain an air of professionalism between them despite their private, intimate relationship) and Shiki giving absolutely zero fucks and just wanting to show off to everyone in the army how Akira is his lmao.

4. A3

This is the first Shikiaki doujinshi I ever read and I'm glad it was my first because it's definitely unique. It essentially weaves all 3 Akiras from the EDs together into one universe and shows what kind of dynamic Shiki has with each Akira. What I adore about this doujinshi is how it shows that, despite how different in personality each Akira is, Shiki loves all of them in the end because they're still Akira. The line at the end of the doujinshi, "You're all mine. However, the one who was captured is..." just straight up makes my heart quiver because of how Shiki-esque it is. It may look like Shiki is the one in control of the relationship because he's the dom and he "owns" Akira, but his heart was captured by Akira and he's chained by the feelings he has for Akira. Essentially just a subtle but very elegant way of showing how Akira has power over Shiki, too.

5. Inushiki

Drawn by the same artist who did "A3," this is such a heartwarming, wholesome, and fluffy doujinshi. I definitely like to reread it a lot because it's one of the few Shikiaki doujinshi that isn't downright angsty lol, it's just so domestic and cute. Also Shiki with dog ears and a tail is just... mwah. He's gorgeous <3. And of course it isn't Shiki if he's not possessive (and horny) as fuck lmao. This is the one doujinshi that I so desperately wish there was a sequel of because it's just so adorable it makes me roll around in bed T_T.

6. Lost End

This one is more on the smutty side, but the art is really good! This artist is quite well known for their TnC doujinshi (they don't only draw Shikiaki but other ships as well so yeah a bit of fun for everybody xD). My favorite part is the ending though... definitely love to see Shiki and Akira having a soft moment together (and Akira wanting to touch Shiki is just. adorable). I don't know, I just really like Shiki being soft and affectionate with Akira after he wakes up in ED1 (*¯︶¯*).

7. Evil Lova

I think you might enjoy this one in particular as it focuses on Shiki and Akira's domestic fluffy life after Shiki wakes up. It's quite short but it still shows Akira taking care of Shiki and worrying over him lol.

8. Insert

This is a direct continuation of "Evil Lova" but instead of Akira taking care of Shiki, it's Shiki being pissed that Akira is babying him, so Shiki decides to turn the tables and take care of Akira instead xD. Again it's short but it's still super fun and sweet to read about. I definitely like to headcanon that Shiki would be annoyed at Akira coddling him after he wakes up in ED1, but he understands that it's Akira's form of affection lol.

9. Black Milk

This one is a unique spin on the Dog!Akira from the Arbitro end, where Shiki manages to whisk Akira away from the Palace lmao. It leans on the smutty side but I like how the artist showed Shiki's discomfort with Akira being physically affectionate with him. Kinda emphasizes Shiki's tsundere side and how he's not used to being kissed or touched so affectionately, but he lets Akira touch him anyway <3 (and Akira remembering Shiki's name is just. aww).

10. Mill Milk

This is a direct continuation of "Black Milk." Again, leans on the smutty side, but also some humorous moments here and there lol. I really like Akira licking Shiki like a dog and Shiki allowing him to, tbh I feel like it's something we wouldn't really see in Shiki's canon route/EDs, but I totally vibe with it lol. Plus it leans into the "dog" aspect for Akira and Shiki's route is the one where the master/pet dynamic is heavily explored. (also the nipple sucking is. excellent.)

AAAAAAAAAAAA ANYWAY SORRY THIS ENDED UP BEING SO LONG WOW I didn't mean to go on a tangent and rec so many doujinshi lmao but I hope you enjoy reading them!!! and thank you again for the ask :3 sorry I have so many Shikiaki thoughts lol

[begitalarcos]

Life Update

Hey Guys

I know I said I was coming back, and I fully intended to. Then I injured my back... badly

I ruptured a disc in my back on one of my lowest vertebrae and now have lost most of the feeling in my left leg :(

In the next week here I'm being scheduled for spinal surgery.

Strangely I'm doing okay. Since my last post a lot of things have gotten sorted (mostly family drama) which has taken a huge weight off of me. Then I fell on the stairs. I only fell down two steps but Ianded hard on my butt and then hit my back against the stair.

This was almost 2 months ago, and I was going to physio for it until my disability decided not to cover it. I was sent to an "Impartial" specialist who had the nerve to tell me that most of my pain was likely "Psychological" haven't had that kind of flippant disrespect about my health in awhile.

On the 30th of October I went to lay down for a nap, when I woke up just the act of sitting up left me in agony. My wonderful husband then spent the next few hours with me using hot and cold compresses and trying to help me get through the pain because the hospital said it was probably just sciatic pain... Halloween rolls around and I've lost all feeling in my left thigh.

I decided "FUCK IT" and went to emergency, where after a good 9 hours I finally saw a doctor who would take me seriously. And by that time my entire left thigh, part of my calf, and most of my back end and groin were completely numb. They took my sock off and my foot was grey. It was pretty scary.

The doctor there did a battery of tests for everthing he could think of, he did manage to get a bit of feeling back into my calf and foot with an injection. But everything else was still pins and needles. I had an MRI and well.. as you can see the lower disc was pushed so far out it was impinging on all the nerves to my left leg.

I spent Halloween and most of the next day in emergency. Had a lovely panic attack, got mildly sedated, there were no beds so I was stuck in a shitty recliner in a corner between two drug attics. One who wouldn't stop complaining and then throwing fits and the other who had some kind of blood borne illness with open sores. It was fucking terrible.

Today I had to drive almost 2 hours to another city to see a neurosurgeon who was also livid no one had done anything for me in over two months and said that even with surgery I may never get full feeling back in my leg (cries) This then followed more X-rays, blood work (7 vials taken oi vey) and an ECG.

Turns out I also have a rare heart defect - that only one other person in my family has - that causes my heart to skip a beat every third beat. They also (because I'm anemic) had to go through the process of signing a ton of forms for the possibility that I may need a transfusion during or after surgery....

This was supposed to be a short post I swear -_-

Thursday I have to go for a full physical and do even MORE paperwork, and then drive again 2 hours away to another city to have my surgery.

FML

So yeah, I still very much want to be creating and posting I just haven't been able to sit or concentrate much as I am taking pain killers (that do not want to work with my antidepressants) so I've either been completely out of it or just stuck doing one thing and one thing only (which has mostly been just riding around in RDR2 hunting, fishing and exploring) I also finished the new Zelda game cuz... well I've been laying down a lot.

Holy Jeebs have I been bored. In between that I've also been trying to keep GiraffeBarn active and get into a few local stores again.

2024 has been hectic and chaotic.

I'm hopeful that the new year will bring me some much needed peace and clarity.

So yeah, I'm not gone, I'm still lurking about and I still plan to post again (when I can)

I miss you all so very much (especially my wifey <3)

Hope you all are well

much love

B

[griffin-girl-r]

Think about your old mama (Part 2)

Created: 16.02.2023

Finished: 18.02.2023

Edited: 25.09.2023

Age: 20

Word count: 4,444

Warnings: Ignorance

Request: Yes (Tumblr user)

Part 1 , Part 3

—

"Alright, Y/N. You're free to go." Bruce looked up from his file to you and Natasha

"Finally!" You groaned dramatically "I'm tired of sitting around here doing nothing."

Bruce chuckled and shook his head in the process.

"You've only been here for 2 days, kid. Be grateful that you only stayed here so little." Bruce told you with a hint of seriousness in his voice "You were supposed to stay here the entire week for observations but since we all live under the same roof, I'll allow you to recover in your own room. Mostly because I know Natasha is not going to let you do some reckless, stupid thing."

You opened your mouth to protest against Bruce's words but your mother beat you to it.

"I'll keep a very close eye on her, Bruce." Natasha looked from the doctor to you "Don't worry."

"Mama..." You whined, ready to throw a tantrum "I'm fine! Besides, you've been babying me for the past 2 days so much that I feel like a toddler all over again."

"I'll stop treating you like a toddler when you stop acting like one." Natasha said without hesitation

"Damn..." You looked down at the floor "I can't even argue with that because I know she's right."

Natasha smiled satisfied with your answer as Bruce burst out in a fit of giggles.

—

"That's it, baby." Natasha praised you as you forced yourself to slightly sit up on your bed to get more comfortable "Good job."

You smiled up at your mother as she leaned down to kiss your forehead.

"I'll be right back in a second." Your mother declared "Don't try to do anything stupid till I'm back."

"Calm down, Mama. I won't." You chuckled trying to play it off

"Just wait a moment." Natasha said as she opened the door of your bedroom and started to speedwalk downstairs to the kitchen

Passing by the living room, Natasha's ears picked up on some fussing, and quietly poking her head inside the room, she watched what was happening inside that was creating so much noise.

"Come on, Peter." Steve lightly patted the boy's back "You need to eat a little more."

"I've had enoug,h Mr. America." Peter tried to decline Steve's offer to make him eat for the fourth time in the last hour "Thank you, but I'm full."

"My boy, Steve is right." Tony backed up Steve "You need to eat and rest to gain your strengths back."

"I think Stark's right, little Midguardian." Thor involved himself in the discussion

"Come on, Pete." Wanda encouraged too "Just one more bite."

Poor Peter sighed as the team left him with no other option than to eat one last bite from the plate filled with food that was sitting in front of him on the coffee table, in the middle of the living room.

Everyone cheered as Peter swallowed that last bite and looked up to see the team's proud faces staring back at him.

To say Natasha was angry wasn't the right word to describe how much anger built up inside of her at the sight of the team treating Peter like that.

She wasn't mad at Peter or at the way he was treated. She was mad at the team for not showing the same amount of care to her daughter as well.

And while Natasha was perfectly capable of taking care of her daughter alone, she was sad because her daughter almost cried this morning when she asked her mom why the team wasn't visiting her. And the few that did visit her, like Clint, Wanda, Steve, and Bucky, weren't staying with her for more than 10 minutes because they always had something to do for Peter.

Feeling like she couldn't stand around anymore watching everything that was going on inside the living room happen, she bolted straight to the kitchen, trying to keep her tears at bay. The tears of a mother who was suffering only because her daughter was in pain too.

Natasha almost passed unnoticed by the team, but sadly for her, Tony had noticed her staring at them the entire time, and, excusing himself, he followed her inside the kitchen.

—

The spy was filling a tray with food that she would take to her daughter when Tony shily stepped inside the room.

Natasha tried her best to avoid the man but Tony wasn't going to let her ignore him.

"How's Y/N?" Tony awkwardly cleared his throat

"She is very much alive and recovering." Natasha kept her gaze on the tray with food "And pretty fast I might add, much to your dismay or anyone else's for the matter." The redhead spitted back "My daughter is a fighter that keeps living even though some people wish for her death."

Tony sadly sighed as the guild inside him grew bigger.

"Look, Romanoff..." Tony started as he took one careful step closer to the woman "I am sorry about what I said about your daughter. I know I shouldn't have said that she deserves to die."

Natasha abandoned whatever she was doing as she looked up at Tony and, boy, she wasn't looking happy at all.

"Do you really think that a simple apology is going to make it all better?!" Natasha almost yelled "I know that saying that it was Peter's fault was a mistake and I'm sorry for that. I know that I deserved your anger toward me and I deserved your words because I know how you were feeling in those moments, Stark. But under any circumstances, you shouldn't have wished death upon my baby because I hadn't wished the death of yours too. No..." Natasha shook her head "I was actually happy that your child was alive and well, all while the only thing we knew about my child was that she wasn't well."

Tony looked down at the floor once again and kept silent.

"While you were talking with your son on the phone and he reassured you that he was okay, all I knew about my daughter is that she wasn't waking up damn it!" Natasha yelled at Tony through the tears that had managed to escape her eyes.

The guilt was hanging heavy on Tony's heart, knowing that Natasha had all the right to react like she was.

Tony wanted to say again how sorry he was for saying everything that came to his mind without filtering it first.

But just like that, Natasha evaporated out of the room in a hurry, passing by Tony with the speed of light, leaving no room for any more words to be said.

—

"Miss Romanoff!" Peter shouted once he saw Natasha pass by the door of the living room, carrying a tray with food in her hands

Peter's plan was successful because he managed to catch the ex-assassin's attention as she stopped in her tracks and turned to the boy

"Can I come with you to see Y/N?" Peter hopefully asked, looking with shimmering eyes at his red-headed aunt

Natasha contemplated the decision she was going to take next.

"Sure, Peter." Natasha hesitantly nodded her head, not fully sure of the choice she was making

Peter needed no more words as he jumped on his feet.

Various protests were heard from all around the room as the team lectured Peter about how he shouldn't be walking on his own.

"Guys, I'm fine." Peter protested

"Allow us to carry you." Steve proposed

Peter's response to Steve's proposal was muffed in Natasha's ears as she zoned out, lost in her own mind.

~~~~~

"Nat, I think it will be better for Y/N if one of the boys carried her." Bruce stopped Natasha from picking you up once the doctor told her that it would be safer for you to be carried and not walking

"I can carry my own daughter, Bruce." Natasha snapped back at poor Bruce

"I know you do, Nat." Bruce nodded "But the boys can offer her more comfort while being carried because they are physically bigger than you."

Natasha rolled her eyes in annoyance at her friend's words.

"Okay, fine." Natasha crossed her arms and sat back down beside you "Just because I want the best for my daughter." She clarified

So Natasha, and you, waited for one of her male teammates to show up.

5 minutes...

No one.

10 minutes...

No one.

15 minutes...

No one.

20 minutes...

Still, no one showed up.

After more than half an hour of waiting, Natasha grew fed up with it.

"Are you sure you asked one of them to come?" Natasha pointed out looking at Bruce

"I did. I swear." Bruce defended himself "F.R.I.D.A.Y. can you please ask Steve or one of the other big boys to come?"

"Mr. Rogers as well as the rest are currently watching a movie with Mr. Parker and they made it very clear that they will not be able to come and help sadly." The A.I. replied almost instantly

Natasha hadn't missed the look of sadness that flashed across your face for a split second before disappearing just as quickly as it showed up.

"That's fine." You chuckled in an attempt to lighten up the mood "I can walk to my room. I'm not a baby. I don't need to be carried." You pointed out

"Y/N Romanoff!" Your mother threatened "I don't even want to hear you protest against it. I'm carrying you to your room and that's final."

Not waiting for an answer she put her arms under you and slightly lifted you off the bed before almost dropping you back down as she heard you yell in pain.

"I'm so sorry, baby girl." Natasha's eyes instantly became glossy with unshed tears, knowing she was the one that caused you to feel pain

"I really can walk. Trust me, Mama." You pleaded with her "Please."

After a lot of debate, Natasha helped you up on your feet and straight to your room as you slowly took one step at a time, clutching your stomach, as Natasha supported most of your weight.

~~~~~

"Miss Romanoff?" Peter asked confused "Miss Romanof!" He called her loudly

Natasha snapped back to reality, blinking a few times and shaking her head to register where she was actually standing.

"Yes, Peter?" Natasha's voice slightly shook as it was filled with confusion

"Can we go to Y/N now?" The boy asked

"Come on. Let's go to her." The woman said as she started to lead the way toward her daughter's room

—

"Hi, Y/N." Peter shily greeted you, the tone of his voice only above a whisper as he noticed you were half asleep on the bed

It's the first time he sees you since the day of the accident, given the fact that the team pampered him so much, not giving him one minute alone.

Peter quietly took a seat in a chair somewhere in your room as Natasha placed the tray with food on your nightstand.

"Come here, big girl." Natasha cooed quietly as she lifted your sleepy body into a sitting position and put more pillows behind your back and head to support you so you could eat without choking.

Natasha stroked the hair out of your eyes with her hand as she, as well, took a seat on the edge of the bed, positioning herself in front of you.

"Hi, Pete." You sleepily mumbled, giving the boy a soft smile that he quickly returned

"Come on, my love." Natasha cooed as she put the tray in her lap "You have to eat something and fill that empty tummy of yours."

"No, Mama..." You whined, more awake than you were a few seconds ago "I'm not hungry."

"Baby." Natasha softly scolded you "You haven't eaten anything since the morning of the accident. You have to eat now."

It was a sweet sight to see.

The interaction between mother and daughter made Natasha feel as if she was taking care of a little baby all over again and she couldn't love it more.

She misses the time when you were a little tiny newborn baby that needed her assistance day and night.

Sure, even though you are not so tiny anymore, you'll forever be Natasha's tiny baby regardless of the age you have.

"But I haven't felt hungry these days." You explained "That's why I haven't eaten and I'm not hungry right now either."

But right at that moment, your stomach betrayed you by letting out a loud grumble that echoed throughout the entire room.

Natasha silently giggled as she all knowingly looked at you "It doesn't seem like it though."

"Man..." You groaned defeated as your mother won the argument, knowing that now you'll have to eat

"Look, sweetheart..." Natasha started to explain "The only reason why you haven't felt hungry was because Bruce gave you the nutrients your body needed through the IV since you weren't allowed to sit up and eat."

And without leaving any room for you to get the chance to ask any other questions, she held up a spoon to your mouth, ready to feed you the soup that she prepared for you.

"You know, I dislocated my right arm and I am left-handed so I still can eat on my own." You chuckled as you allowed Natasha to feed you "Left-handed just like you, I should point out."

"A mother should always baby her child no matter what age her child has. You could as well be 40 and I would still feed you." Natasha smiled as she kept feeding you "Even more if her child was recently involved in an accident and was hurt."

"Yeah, you win." You giggled, making Natasha follow with a giggle of her own

—

"All done, my love." Natasha announced as she put the now empty tray aside "I'm so proud of you for finishing it all. You did amazing. Great job."

"Thanks, Mama." You brightly smiled at the woman

Natasha gently wiped your mouth with her hand and smiled at you "You're very welcome, my baby."

"Hey, Y/N?" Peter spoke for the first time since he came into the room. Thank you for saving my life by risking yours. I'm really grateful for that."

"Don't ya worry, Pete." You laughed "We're cousins. Of course, we will always protect each other at any cost."

You noticed the worried look on the boy's face, as if he was debating on whether he should tell you what was on his mind or not.

"Spidey?" You tried to catch Peter's attention "What's wrong, pal?"

"Aren't you mad at me?" Peter teared up, looking down as if the floor in your room was the most interesting thing in the world "That I haven't come to see you since the accident or that I stole everybody's attention away from you?"

"That's perfectly fine." You waved your hand, trying to ease Peter's nerves "I'm not mad and, to be honest with you, I wasn't actually in any good shape to receive visits."

You noticed Peter's shoulders slightly relaxing at your reassuring words so you decided to continue.

"I'm happy that you are okay and unharmed." You pointed out

Peter nodded as tears gathered in his eyes and he tried to hide them away.

But you weren't yet done talking.

"Beside..." You continued with a smile on your face "You haven't taken the attention of the one person I needed the most away, so we're fine. I still had my mama with me day and night and she could replace all the people in the entire universe for me. Although no one can replace her. As long as I have her, I don't need anyone else." You finished with a look in Natasha's direction and waited for her reaction

Your mother's eyes swam in a sea of happy tears that were about to fall any moment.

"As long as I have her, I am not alone." You added as some tears made their way to the front of your eyes as well

Natasha instantly wrapped her arms around you for a big cuddle.

"Thank you, baby." She sniffed the tears of happiness, at your words, back "Mama loves you so much."

—

"Miss Romanoff?" Tony's A.I. interrupted the chat between Y/N, Peter, and Natasha "Miss Maximoff asked me to let you know she had prepared pancakes for young Miss Romanoff and Mr. Parker."

"Thank you, F.R.I.D.A.Y.!" Natasha thanked the A.I. as she went to stand up "You two wait here. I'll go bring the pancakes for you." She ordered, pointing to you and Peter

"No, Mama!" You whined "Can we come down too? Please!"

"Absolutely not, Y/N!" Natasha denied your request to get out of bed

"Please, Miss Romanoff..." Peter backed you up "Can Y/N please come downstairs with us as well? We'll be careful. We promise."

"Yes, Mama. Peter is right." You rushed to agree with Peter's words

Natasha silently contemplated whether she should help you go down or make you stay in bed and rest as she fed you the pancakes.

"Please!" You and Peter pleaded at the same time, giving Natasha your best puppy eyes

Damn it!

How could she say no to those adorable big eyes and Natasha just sighed, knowing that you and Peter had used your most powerful weapon against her.

Your puppy eyes.

"Come on then, kids." Natasha nodded "We have some pancakes to eat."

"Yes!" You and Peter cheered "Thank you!"

Natasha chuckled as she carefully helped you walk to the living room.

The three of you chose to ignore the lack of enthusiasm from the team's side when you entered the room with your uninjured arm around Natasha's shoulders.

They all revolved around Peter and Peter only.

And you were okay with it.

"And these are for our two little heroes." Wanda smiled as she put two plates with pancakes on the coffee table in front of the couch you were sitting on "It's great to see you back on your feet, honey." The witch smiled at you

"Thank you, Aunt Wanda." You sweetly smiled as your heart filled with gratefulness for Wanda's words

"I'll be in the kitchen making more pancakes for the rest of us." Wanda declared for the others to hear as she left the room

You reached forward to grab a pancake from your plate but instead of you reaching the pancakes, you reached the floor as you were accidentally pushed to the ground by one of the Avengers as they all started to fight about who should be the first to grab one as well.

Over all the commotion inside the room, the loudest thing you heard was your mother's gasp as she instantly jumped down by your side and scanned every inch of you.

"Baby, are you okay?" She worriedly asked, panic evident in her voice as she moved the hair out of your face

You took in a sharp breath as a wave of pain, caused by your broken ribs, washed over you.

"Y/N!" Peter crunched down to your other side

You nodded to let Natasha and Peter know you were okay but not really able to talk as you kept on taking in sharp breaths.

"I'm okay..." You whispered after your breathing returned to its original pattern

"Do you think you can walk, sweetheart?" Your mother asked as she was still as worried as before

"Yeah. Let's just go back." You stood up with help from Natasha and Peter

The team was just standing around watching. None of them had any reaction beside Tony that, as well as Peter, went to crunch down by your side but chose to keep his distance, avoiding another argument with Natasha.

Natasha looked around the room and shook her head at the others and slowly guided you out of the room, leaving a now angry Peter behind.

"Are you guys being serious right now?" Peter shouted once he made sure that you and Natasha were out of the hearing reach "Who did it?! Who pushed Y/N?"

He looked at everyone's faces but the adults only looked down.

"Wanda literally said she'll go make more pancakes! You really couldn't wait for 10 more minutes!?" The boy continued shouting at the adults "And don't even get me started on how you all have treated Y/N these past few days. You completely ignored her when she needed your support the most. As you can clearly see, I am not injured. I had some bruises that in about a day had already healed thanks to my spidey healing. Something Y/N doesn't have!" Peter sniffed "Yes, maybe she has a small trace of super serum in her that she inherited from Miss Romanoff but none of their healing speed compares to mine or Mr. Rogers Captain Sir's healing speed."

"He's right, guys." Tony stepped behind Peter "We've been totally ignoring Y/N even though she was the injured one and we've only made Natasha angrier at us with each day that passed by treating her daughter like we did."

Peter looked with teary eyes at his father and Tony gave his boy a reassuring smile and a small nod.

"I'll admit I made a mistake." Tony continued "I told Natasha I wished her daughter died in the accident but I was wrong. If Natasha's daughter wouldn't have been there to save my son, God only knows what would have happened to him." The billionaire took a deep breath only to exhale it quickly "I am not saying that Peter's undeserving of attention but what I'm trying to say is that we focused too much on him and forgot he is not the only kid this family has to look after and protect and we have failed that girl of Natasha's we so claim to care about and love like our own child. I already told Romanoff how sorry I am for what I said and I hope that one day she'll be able to forgive me and I know she will because, unlike us, Natasha has a heart, a big one I might add, and Natasha's kindness won't allow her to stay mad at me for too long even though that poker face of hers masks her kindness and compassion perfectly. But let's be honest right now, she's Natasha. We know her and we love and we know what's hidden behind all that bad girl attitude she has."

"That Y/N took from her mother." Peter added before sighing "God, they can be so mean when they want..."

Tony chuckled and patted Peter's back.

"We know, my boy." Tony smiled before addressing the team again "I'm pretty sure that, if you go and apologize, both the mother and the daughter will instantly forgive you. Maybe not forget but they'll forgive."

The room fell silent for a good moment before Steve spoke up.

"Tony's right. We need to go and apologize. We've made an unforgivable mistake by mistreating Y/N these days since the accident and we need to make it up to her." Steve stood on from his chair "And to Natasha as well. It's the least we could do."

And just as expected a chorus of agreements followed Steve's short speech as everyone agreed to let both you and your mother know how sorry they are for acting like they did.

—

Back in your room, Natasha was reading to her daughter from Y/N's favorite book as her baby's head was resting on the older redhead's shoulder.

That's how the team found the small family of two when they walked inside ready to face the consequences of their mistake.

Natasha was forced to interrupt her reading as she saw the room filling up with people who looked like they came to talk serious business.

The spy arched her eyebrow at everyone as she patiently waited for them to speak first, Y/N's head still on her shoulder.

"We're sorry." Steve, like the leader he considered himself to be, said on behalf of everyone present in the room "We are really sorry for treating you like we did. Especially you, Y/N." He turned to look at you "We have ignored you for no reason at all. We all got so caught up in making sure that Peter had everything he needed that we forgot you needed us as well. We hope that you and your mom..." He spared a glance to the woman in question "Can one day forgive us for being so reckless and ignorant."

Natasha ran her fingers through your hair as you lifted your head off of her shoulder.

"What do you say, baby?" She turned her head to look at your face "Shall we forgive them or should we stay just a little bit more mad at them?"

You pretended to think hard about this question as you wanted to let everyone eagerly wait for your decision.

"I think we should forgive them, Mama. They did apologized, didn't they?" You softly smiled at your mother "But with one condition."

"Anything, mini Romanoff." Tony wasted no second in saying

"I forgive you only if we all have a game night together." You smirked "But let's keep it simple. Just board games and cards for now."

A collective laugh was heard from everyone as various people rushed to agree with your deal.

"I'll forever be sorry for what I said to you, Natasha." Tony said once the laughter had died down

Natasha smiled but it didn't quite reach her ears at Tony's apology "I forgive you, Tony. I had actually forgiven you since the first time you apologized. I hope you know that I'll forever feel sorry too about what I said to you in that moment when we both were on the point of losing our minds from worry."

"You're long forgiven. So, Romanoff..." Tony extended his hand toward Natasha "Truce?"

"Truce!" Natasha smiled as she shook Tony's hand

The rest of the night was spent exactly in the way you wanted it. With everyone by your side, having fun, playing games, and overall being a happy and united family.

You smiled.

This was everything you could ever want.

If you went to sleep tonight and did not wake up ever again in the morning, this was the way you wanted to live your last moments.

Surrounded by your mother, your big family, and lots of love.

But you will surely wake up again in the morning.

Why wouldn't you?

But life had no guarantee and you learned that the hard way.

You would surely wake up again.

Wouldn't you?

[lastontheboat]

Fandom creators self rec game! Choose five favourites from your own creations (and tell me why, if you like!), then pass on to at least five other people. I'd love to hear what you're proudest of.

Thank you @tackytigerfic for providing me an opportunity for navel-gazing! I enjoyed reading about your own favourites; I find it super interesting to see what other creators value about their works.

Per my last letter (I hope you choke on it)

This is my favourite completed fic for a number of reasons:

1. I had always wanted to try writing an epistolary

2. I had always wanted to try collaborating on a fic with a friend

3. The writing process was an absolute joy

It feels like a distillation of many of my favourite things, but unlike many fics the creation process didn't involve tearing my hair out trying to make it do what I wanted. Whenever I'd get stuck, I'd just close the document and go to bed, then when I woke up the next morning @fluxweeed would have added several new scenes that set my brain on fire. It was an absolutely magical experience for me, and I'm extremely fond of the end result. This is probably the fic of mine that I've re-read the most, and it delights me every time!

Podfic of Stop All The Clocks, by firethesound

I've got a lot of podfics to choose from, but this is one that I'm particularly proud of. The original fic is imprinted on my soul, but the thing that sticks with me more than the actual plot is the sensation of reading it and feeling my heart break over and over.

Making podfics is a very personal craft for me. It's an investment of my time, and I generally choose ones to record that I strongly associate with a particular first-time reading experience. This was my sixth large podfic project, and I really wanted my reading to amplify the heartbreak that's already present in the text. It was a much more emotional recording and editing process than most of my podfics, but it's also the only one I've listened to entirely after releasing it.

I'm extremely fond of every listener who has taken the plunge and commented about their experience of it, and completely understand everyone who has been like "I don't fuck with that fic. You couldn't pay me to listen it."

body electric

This is the first fic I can recall writing that was entirely driven by a feeling. I remember being consumed by the idea of that spark between Harry and Draco, of them needing to feed it and hold it but being unable to act upon it. I was between jobs and had a lot of time to myself, and I wrote this fic in a fugue state over the space of two days. I had never experienced a writing process so feverish before, and I don't know if I will again.

I also need to shout out the beta feedback I got from @zaharya on this one, whose very insightful comments about the passage of time in the second chapter led to me adding a bunch of my favourite lines to it:

“I want to bend you over this table,” he says, panting now. “I want you under me, here in my workshop. You’ll leave here and every time you smell wood shavings you’ll think of me.” “I already do,” Malfoy says, his voice cracking.

Podfic of If The Fates Allow, by saras_girl

I spend a lot of time listening to audiobooks these days, and I really appreciate being able to consume so many stories while driving or cooking. For me, recording a podfic is about giving others the opportunity to experience some of my favourite fics, and trying to capture some of what they mean to me in my voicing.

saras_girls fics hold a very special place in my heart, and this one is my absolute favourite of hers. As a podfic, the biggest challenge here was dealing with the ensemble cast—it stretched the limits of unique voices I could do without them sounding forced, but it was also exciting trying to keep the voices consistent across 25 chapters.

the spirit is willing (the flesh is weak)

This is the newest fic that I finished (the only one so far in 2023), but I haven't made too much noise about it on here because it's attached to my alt account. This one started out as a concept that wouldn't leave me alone (Bill/Ginny fuck or die), but it's also another data point in my exploration of what it's like to write smut.

I still don't think it comes naturally to me, whatever that means—I'm much more comfortable keeping my writing to Teen, but I'm very satisfied with how this fic achieves what I set out to do with it. It was a stretch, but a good stretch!

[fazedlight]

20 Questions More

A deeper and more detailed version of the 20 questions for AO3 fanfic writers. Thanks @eqt-95 and @inkedroplets for the tag!!

1) How do you keep getting ideas for your ship/fandom?

Daydreaming. Writing fanfic is secondary to that. It was only in the past couple of years that it occurred to me that I could write some of it down and see what happens.

2) Which authors inspire you in your fandom, and why are they so freakishly good?

@searidings is my absolute favorite, the way she unravels the characters' emotions and angst is absolutely superb.

3) Aside from the characters of your main ship, who are the characters you love to write?

Ohhh I really love this question:

Cat in Inauthentic, as well as this ficlet and this one. I love her sense of humor.

Lillian in Darkness in All Things. For the same reason as Cat, I just love her snark.

Zor-El in Even Though You're Kryptonian. He kind of surprised me when I started writing him, and to this day I don't know if some of his lines are driven by genuine confusion or if he's just trolling.

4) Are there pairings or tropes you know for sure you'd never write about? Which ones?

I'm a never-say-never kind of person. There's a lot that I don't think I would ever write, but I've been surprised on where stories have taken me before, and may be surprised again.

5) What is your writing process and why is it cursed?

"Process" might be an overstatement...

I have a "scribbles" doc where I keep my ideas. I cull ideas often (though ideas often make their way back anyway). As I write more into the doc, a certain idea may get too big for it, so I spin it out into its own doc.

From there, I kind of go back and forward between outlining and writing. I write completely out of order. Which is why, so often, my multichaps are almost fully drafted by the time I publish chapter 1. I've usually already made it to the resolution point of the plot (meaning, no one's in danger anymore, the bad guy is gone, etc), though the final chapter often doesn't get written until later.

6) What is your favorite part of your writing process?

I love when I've finished the first pass of a chapter/one-shot, and I'm in the editing stage. The story really feels like it's coming together at that point, and it's before all the self-doubt starts bubbling up (that hits hard just before posting).

7) What’s the weirdest thing you’ve had to research for a fic?

A friend of mine is a professor in astroparticle physics, so I spent a couple of hours asking him about quantum mechanics stuff. But only a small portion of that ended up being relevant to the fic and the rest was just for fun.

8) Is there a particular writing rule you struggle with (grammar, spelling, tense, reality in general)?

When I'm first sketching out a scene, about half the time I write in present tense (it feels more like I'm writing a play at that point sometimes), but I publish in past tense. So I end up needing to do a bunch of revisions 😭

Also TYPOS.

9) What was your hardest scene to write so far and why?

Fight scenes are ROUGH, man.

This is probably one of those answers I'll change every time depending what's at the top of my mind. But writing out a fight scene - like in Even Though You're Kryptonian, Darkness in All Things, or It's a Metallo Life - gets surprisingly difficult if there are more than 2 people.

I know exactly how I'd shoot those scenes if I had a camera crew, special effects, etc. But it's hard making sure the audience is aware of where everyone is positioned, why they can/can't act in the moment, etc.

10) Have your characters ever done something you didn’t expect, changing your plot completely?

All the fucking time, man. From the very beginning, even. I was trying to have Lena still be angry by the DEO scene in So I Kept Pretending, but that didn't make sense anymore.

I actually recently had a fic idea dissolve because it wasn't vibing with the characters. Which is fine, it became a ficlet instead!

11) If you could converse with any of the characters, who would it be and why?

Absolutely Kara. I have so many questions about kryptonian culture and how it drives her character.

12) What are some of the tropes or themes that you find yourself returning to in your writing?

Trope-wise, I definitely return to the Rift again and again. I find themes around forgiveness and understanding to be really interesting. Can two good-hearted people with conflicting needs hurt each other while still loving each other? How? What does that mean for the aftermath?

I think that's part of what draws me to supercorp - the complexity of their relationship. How they can both be right, and both be wrong, and love each other enough to rebuild from the ashes.

13) What's your most important resource as a writer?

Coffeeshops and libraries. Getting into slightly busy, cozy environments, out of the house, really helps shake loose the stuff in my head.

14) Can you share some of your strategies for editing and revising your work?

Especially for longer works, I tend to put the work down (and circle to other works, or go outside, or whatever) before coming back to it. It helps to step away for a bit - it's easier to pick up on repetitiveness or unclear passages when coming back.

Though I always find mistakes in my stories much later, so I'm not sure I'm one to give advice on this anyway 🤣

15) Which is worse: making the summary, picking the tags, or the anxiety when you post your fic?

Posting anxiety is the absolute worst. If I leave myself in front of my computer I'll end up refreshing constantly waiting for the first kudos (if it's a one-shot or first chapter) or the first comment (if it's a later chapter) to figure out if I've accidentally pissed off everyone in the fandom somehow.

Luckily, my partner will usually pull me away to go on a walk or grab lunch or do something else to take my mind off it 💗

16) How do you define success for your fanfic - hits? Kudos? Comments? Bookmarks? Or just if you like it?

I only publish what I like. Sometimes I'm nervous that other people won't like it, but I will always like it. Stories that aren't going a way I like - even if I think the idea is cool! - will dissolve. Just recently I dissolved one that felt like it was a cool idea, but it didn't make enough sense for the characters.

Kudos and comments always make me feel appreciated as an author!! Sometimes I'll get a user subscriber out of it, too, and it feels like an honor that someone would want to hear from me more than once.

The thing that feels most precious, though, is when someone comments on how something made them feel (I love making people laugh at my dumb jokes, or cry when a story is supposed to hit emotionally), or when they pick up on something that I wasn't sure would get picked up on.

I tend to lean towards understatement in my stories. For me, the biggest success is knowing that someone recognized what I was going for, without me being overt.

17) Do you have a playlist for your favorite character/ship?

Alas, I don't. But given that Kara is canonically a Britney Spears fan and musicals nerd, I feel like my default playlist works 🤣

18) If fan art was going to be made from your work, which fic would you pick and which fan artist would you like to create it?

Oh gosh, I don't want to pick someone and create pressure, or not pick someone and make them feel bad. This fandom has so many great artists!

That said, some of my favorites do commissions, you can see everything I've commission here.

19) How many WIPs do you currently have?

1 supercorp & 1 rojarias (for @supergirlmayhem)

For me, 2-3 is my happy number, so I'm relieved to be down to this after being so high (I think up to 11?) for so long.

20) What's your advice to new fanfic writers?

If you're wondering why you can't find that story you want, it might mean that you're the one to write it 💗

- - - - -

Tagging (respectfully and without pressure) @rustingcat @luthordamnvers @sssammich @tinyvariations @thatonebirdwrites @theredcapeofk @sideguitars @luthordamnvers @mycatismyeditor @inkedroplets @nottawriter @snowydragonscave @jetgirl1832 if you want some rapid-fire q's thrown your way. But also anyone who'd like to do this!

[alagaesia-headcanons]

I have a proper update for Clear Horizons!

(For my new followers, here's an explanation of this fic!)

I've finally finished drafting the section that was giving me the most trouble!!! I'm not entirely out of the woods yet, but it's a significant and gratifying mark of progress. The part I'm working on is after Murtagh and Orrin first meet, but before a scene I've planned where their relationship takes a turn and reaches a new understanding. So in that span they have a lot of chemistry and care for each other but they're also still hesitant and guarded. It's a very tricky dynamic to write. It still needs more depth, I haven't gotten to that emotional development scene yet, but I'm now finished with the first week Murtagh spends in Aberon with Orrin.

My main breakthrough with the frustrations I was having with that was to cut two of the scenes I already wrote and move them to a later point in the story. Then I reconsidered what I wanted the first week to cover. The writing progress went especially slow, even by my standards, and the section ended much longer than I expected it too. But I think both were worthwhile. This section is crucial for laying a lot of the foundation everything else will build upon. The prolonged time I spent with each piece gave me the room to untangle the needs of the story and the detail throughout numerous consecutive scenes gives clarity to the major cornerstones. (I pray I'll still feel that way when I go back to edit it later lol)

I optimistically think the pace will pick back up again when I carry on with the rest of act 2. This should be one of the only continuous spans of time that's fully rendered out with such intensive and thorough detail. I think just two other points in the story might get a similar treatment. I'm approaching the rest with a more selective focus that helps move the story along.

I have a plan for how I should proceed now, which has numerous parts. First and foremost with concerns to Clear Horizons, I'm going to take the opportunity to pause writing the actual fic and shift back to note taking, with the goal of hammering out Thorn's character arc. Unlike my last desperate bout of note taking, I've been prepared to tackle this from the outset. In this whole process, Thorn has been by far the hardest part for me, for a myriad reasons. It's very important to me to give him a character arc with meaningful significance to the story, and initially I had no idea how to accomplish that, but I realized that I had to start without it if I wanted to start at all. So I drafted all of act 1 aware that I still needed to figure out my intentions for Thorn and I would have to add in more writing to integrate that.

I can tell this is the right time to do that. I'm glad I didn't let it stop me from jumping in; it feels more approachable now then it did then. I still anticipate that it'll be very tricky, but now I have some ideas to guide me and I believe I can do this. I also hope it will fill out some of the other gaps in the plans I do have. My last note taking stint helped a lot with the other main character arcs. Orrin's specifically is the strongest right now, I think it's in a really good pace. Murtagh's is far improved, though it feels like it still has some pieces missing. As I wrestle with Thorn, I'm going to pay close attention to how that can contribute to Murtagh's arc because they naturally should weigh on each other quite a lot. I hope figuring out my intentions with Thorn will provide much of the connective tissue I'm missing right now.

Before continuing with the main writing, I'd also like to edit the rest of act 1 that I haven't gotten to yet. It's a pretty arduous process, but I know it wouldn't be smart to put it off much longer. It's very valuable and I should at least edit up to the last section of act 1. It might be more effective to wait on that one because I think it will be overhauled the most after Thorn is properly added to the equation.

There are some other things I want to add in act 1 too. While making those notes, I recognized key aspects of both Murtagh and Orrin that deserve more exploration. I plan to take the first two sections, one about each of them, and divide them both in half so there's four sections, then I can add those details throughout them. I think it will also improve the pacing. That's currently not my priority, so I don't know if I'll do that before returning to writing progress, but it's in the plans.

On a different track, I want to take a small break before getting back to that grind. For a significant length of time now, Clear Horizons has held my attention largely uninterrupted. It's eclipses my other creative impulses. I don't feel like that's inherently bad, I often set aside my other interests for a while to pursue inspiration for a certain thing. But given how long I think Clear Horizons will take, even from this point, I don't want to do that the whole time. It's already been a long time since I've drawn anything, and longer still since I've worked with clay. I have a stretch of time off around Christmas and I think I'm going to force myself to not work on writing during that and enjoy other things. Since I have quite limited free time in my day to day, part of me gets frustrated feeling like having a lot of time and not using it to work on this is a waste. I need to remind myself that a project like this is not a sprint, it's a marathon, and taking breaks will benefit me in the end.

(There's a very high chance I'll make some Eragon related art anyway lol. And also Hubert. Maybe I'll show you guys Hubert.)

I also hope the mental break will push me to answer the asks people have sent me too! I'm sorry it's taken so long, I promise I won't forget! Clear Horizons honestly has been the biggest distraction from that. That being said, since it occupies so much of my mind, I always adore taking about it. Of course I still welcome all kinds of asks, but especially anything about Murtagh, Orrin, them together, or my fic specifically- and I'll also probably answer any of those right away because I seriously can't resist lmao (This isn't a headcanon blog anymore but this ship is the sole exception, I have so many feelings)

I really hope you guys will love this when it's finally complete. Part of me is nervous, but I'm doing my best to trust that the act of putting so much devotion into it will shine through on the other side ❤️

[little-peril-stories]

2024

It's the time of year where many of us think about the future and what's to come. I don't really do New Year's resolutions, and I've never done a real list of goals before. But as I'm thinking about what 2024 will bring, I'm feeling for the first time the desire to lay out my goals - or, at the very least, create a to-do list.

It might be interesting to see how much I overestimated my ability to get stuff done next year. 😅

No pressure to read this, it's largely for myself!

The Queen of Lies

Continue posting semi-regularly. Given the way the first half of the school year has gone, I figure that's probably the best I can do.

Rewrite Act 3. I'm actually so excited for this, and it's all planned out! But it's still not written, even if a lot of the juicy dialogue is sandwiched between bullet points of what happens.

Edit it...eventually. Perhaps in the latter half of the year. Or perhaps that's a 2025 job. Who knows?

angsty heist wip

Reveal the title. Coming sooner than you think.

Post the WIP intro early. TPOT's came when it was about half posted, and TQOL's came only a day before Chapter 1. I think I'll mix it up for angsty heist wip. Nobody peek on my drafts and see how long the wip intro has been chilling there. 😅

FINISH WRITING THIS DAMN BOOK. It's just got to happen. I've hit 2/4 POV character's midpoints, and the delicious confrontation/finale still needs to be written. It's all the good stuff!

Figure out posting plans. It's not coming until TQOL is done, so this is a very vague and fluid goal.

Book 1

Review beta feedback thoroughly.

Make a concrete plan for what I actually want to change and what I don't.

Apply feedback.

Reread and edit for typos/little things.

Do a second beta round.

Start preparing query materials in earnest.

Book 2

lol. start it again? postpone to 2025? who knows. low priority.

The Prince of Thieves -- the journey to self-publishing

Okay, real talk: the list below is long. I've never done any of this before, so I have NO clue of what's realistic and what's not. Is all of this possible in the year 2024? Maybe not. Is that okay? It's gonna have to be! The point of it isn't to marry myself to this list or else I've FAILED, but to have a clear idea of what commonly needs to be done in order to self-publish a novel. If some of the stuff doesn't happen, well, so be it! I’m also quite aware that the list below is not exhaustive. There are probably a million things I haven’t thought of!!

DONE - ISBN account made and approved

DONE - decide on pen name. Finally!

Beta stuff! Send it off, wait for feedback, review feedback, and then apply it. I'm almost there.

Attempt cover design. I am 73% confident in my ability to do it well. With an artist AND a graphic designer/marketer in my family, I think I've got a team who can help me with the technical/Photoshop stuff.

Hire cover designer if failure. (Definitely a possibility.)

Decide on book format/interior design elements. Pretty confident I can do this myself. 96% sure.

Make an author website. For realsies. (aaahhhhhhhhh)

Increase social media presence. Try not to cry about the existence of TikTok. Try not to get in my own head about this. The truth is the thought kind of makes my skin crawl but I also understand how it is is pretty much a necessity.

Learn marketing and create a marketing plan. I got this. probably. maybe. ennnhhhh.

Consider character/scene art commissions. I am uncertain about this one. Finances will determine whether this happens or not.

Cry a lot and be okay with that. I think I'm going to struggle a lot with this whole process. And you know what? That's all right. I will learn a lot. And even if it's scary...well, that will make it all the more rewarding in the end. 💕

[anisaanisa]

Hiii hope you’re well! i hope this doesn’t come off as rude or anything but i was just wondering if there was going to be a conclusion to members only, i just ask because i really liked that fic and the plot, but i understand that sometimes things get in the way and all that. again i hope this isn’t coming off as rude and you can totally disregard this!

Hi, anon! Thank you for the ask, I appreciate it. At first, I thought to respond quickly so you were more likely to catch it, but the further I moved away from it, the more I thought on it, and felt it deserved a more fleshed out answer.

You’re not rude for asking, and I’m glad you reached out. I remember very well what it’s like to be a reader that’s left wanting for a fic that’s seemingly been abandoned (some of my personal favourites have remained unfinished since 2006), so I understand completely where you’re coming from. I never considered that I might be that author for someone until I got this ask, so you have nothing to worry about. I’ve taken it in good faith, and if anything, I’m a little humbled.

The short answer: Yes, there is a conclusion! And it's...done. The final chapter is sitting at 27K, half-edited, and put to rest by me a while ago now when I stalled on the editing (my bain, my beloathed). I’d like to get it finished and out of the way soon, but I hate to make promises, so I’ve got a much longer answer below the cut.

The long answer: Members Only appeared at a very particular point in my (and everyone elses) lives. Covid was still at the forefront of…everything, and it was cathartic for me to outline and write here and there. I really like the characterisation, their dynamic and the world they were plopped into. The period of rest and relaxation (aka floundering on the editing) rendered it unfinished on the reader end for 2 reasons:

1) The world was moving on from a global pandemic whilst I remained stagnant (irl things). Like you garnered, things get in the way, stories need to be told at a certain time, and there’s a small ache there with tying up threads that feel a tad fragile and gnawed on.

2) The constant fluctuation of writing woes. I go through ups and downs with how I feel about my own writing – sometimes I read something back with wonder and I think “wow, I did this.” Other times, I cringe and think “wow, I did this?”. Fun factoid: they're the same story. I was just in a different mode each time. And I remember with stark clarity how much I did not vibe with my own writing at the point in time where I was editing that final chapter.

Fanfiction is an inherently selfish act, and because of this, I go with the flow when it comes to the things I share, and I’d be lying if I didn't acknowledge writing is my most emotionally taxing hobby. It takes so much more bandwidth for me than art and anything else that I have going on. Writing, editing, all that, it ebbs and flows with my mood. The state of the world. The position of the sun.

How much water I drank that day.

There’s a whole vault of stories and outlines living in my PC that may never see the light of day – but they were there for me to pour myself into when I needed them the most. That’s my satisfaction: the process, rather than the result, and unfortunately, sometimes that need or want being quenched leaves those that are along for the ride left unsatisfied.

And I get it. Cause I’m a reader just like you, and I've been left wanting.

I still care about this story a lot. It’s alive to me in a way that I can’t really articulate without you living in my head with me, and I know there are authors that might be reading this that know exactly what I’m talking about. It’s not abandoned – if anything, it’s so alive that putting it to an end is like a tiny death. There’s grief in finishing stories that are hard to navigate unless you’ve done it, and I think that’s one of the things that’s so personal to fiction – both fan and original – it’s just really hard to say goodbye sometimes, so it's easier to not say goodbye at all.

Thankfully, I’m in a place where I’m jiving with the words I’m making. Hopefully I can put that energy into seeing it published before the end of the earth. And thank you again for reaching out. Sometimes yer pal just needs a little reminder that her stories meant something to someone, somewhere.

ttyl bbs <3

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

TW - body dysmorphia, reference to csa & cocsa i need some advice on how to deal with a few feelings. hi mods, hope all is well so recently i got my hair dyed for the 2nd time since my first hair dye around late 2021. at that time, my mom told me that she would not let me dye my hair again, but i had it dyed once again and my mom, although let me do it (she was present with me), throughout the process she looked very tensed, upset, and mumbled about a few times abt the chemicals and everything. i felt super guilty at this point, but to me dyeing my hair is a form of self expression. i know it's harmful, but my hair is one part of my appearance i like, and it's the only part of my body that i don't feel ashamed of. she looked very exasperated. after we got home that night, around quite late ( i stay up late to finish up some work somedays ) she came into my room and spoke to me in a very, uh sulky type of manner i say? like she was distressed and came to me saying that she hadn't been able to sleep for the past 2 hours and felt very bad for letting my dye my hair again, that she was a bad mother for letting me damage my hair. for context, i've got very thick and voluminous hair which i'm proud of. she spoke like she was about to cry, and then told me she suffered a lot while watching my hair getting dyed and then will suffer looking at me everyday. this really upset me. she joined her hands and told me to please not dye again, which i promised her before all of this. look, i totally get her perspective and understand it's hard for her to watch me damage my hair ( i haven't dyed it fully. only the ends. ) and right now, she's around 50 and has hair loss and greying which she often feels sad about, so i get why it's hard on her. however since then i've had a hard time feeling good about my appearance since i'm obese, and i don't like looking at my new hair either. i feel guilty thinking of how my mom talked to me. she did it out of genuine concern, but it's triggered an episode of body dysmorphia and and i don't feel good about myself anymore. this also brought up some thoughts about how i've grown up being SA'd and almost raped by my elder cousin, and how i've told absolutely nobody in my life abt it. i thought about how if simply dyeing my hair caused her so much distress that she couldn't sleep that night then how much pain it would cause her if she ever found out how the nephew she's so close to assaulted me. i can't fathom how much that would hurt her.

when she said she will suffer looking at me everyday, i know she didn't mean it in that literal sense but it made me feel like expressing myself will only cause her pain. i've had some bad dreams over my SA and so since then. we didn't have a fight, or anything, and we've been acting the way we normally do, nothing wrong between us. but occasionally she'll look at my hair and say nothing. my mom's a great person and i love her a lot, but the conversation as a whole is just painful because of what the aftereffect is.

that's all, have a good day

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry about what happened. I can understand how her concerns about your hair has contributed to your body dysmorphia as well as your experience being assaulted.

As someone whose mom also had to warm up to the idea of me dying my hair, the thing is that hair grows back, so the damage isn't permanent and so it shouldn't be taken as seriously as your mom is taking it. It's possible that another reason why she feels this way is because she may, like many parents, want a sense of control over you because autonomy means you're growing up, and that can be hard for parents to accept. But it's also not an excuse to limit your freedom, especially when it comes to your body. Your body is your own and it's not up to her to dictate your bodily autonomy. She should let you have the one thing you don't hate and let you express yourself the way you want.

I also want to suggest that while I definitely see where you're coming from in terms of like, if she reacts this way then how will she react to more serious matters, they are very different subjects and so her response may be very different as well. But it is important to take into consideration how she responds to things like these so you can refine your approach when you feel comfortable having future conversations with her.

It's okay to dye your hair and you don't deserve to feel self conscious about it. I'm sure it looks great.

I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[amaryllis-sagitta]

My first impression was very ambiguous, I remember going into the romance scene in EA and saying to myself "boooy that's like 3 red flags in one, k bye" and wanting to never try with him again. I was worried they would try to write him as very dark, egotistical and manipulative by default, and I was fully ready not to vibe with that character at all. Thankfully, my short-term & autobiographic memory dysfunction made me completely forget that impression, and on release I was already pre-warned that this is going somewhere else than I assumed, so I could stay open minded.

But these red flags of him being very calculating in his approach, pretty mean despite an ostensibly flirtatious/ friendly intention, telling many honeyed words without a trace of passion behind them, and making the entire process sound like it's about his satisfaction and safety, are still there on release, and the Ascension amps them up.

This is why the Act 2 moments pack such a punch in terms of Astarion showing vulnerability and sincere intentions (even if he kinda hates them about himself at the time), which re-contextualizes all the buffoonery and malice he has shown before. If you were distrustful of him in Act 1, then from your perspective this is a choice to be fair and principled instead of using him as a tool (there are no disapproving reactions if you give your own blood to Araj), or just unwittingly, reactively returning the snide, malicious treatment that he's giving everyone. But if you've already woobified him, you'll end up woobifying him even more after that, because now he seems to be the poor little meow meow who needs the MC to stand up for him etc.

Even to this day, I say to myself: thank goodness this is fictional guy, because in real life I wouldn't have had the the skill to protect myself emotionally, or the patience to put up with a person like that on a daily basis. He would be kinda entertaining to me for exactly 30 minutes and then rapidly go into the "Don't Touch With a 10 Foot Pole, Only Speak When Absolutely Necessary" territory. I've had coworkers like that and in my experience, having someone Like That around when you have your own CPTSD is exhausting because they're fake, they're unsafe, their sass gets abrasive pretty quickly because of how obvious the posturing is, so they activate all the hypervigilance and people reading instincts that are very unnecessary in most circumstances. News flash, challenging people is hard if you were constantly judged and intimidated. Thankfully, I can challenge characters in games and save scum if I feel I've been too mean. Anyway.

Feels like the worst parts of the Astarion discourse are constantly at tension between infantilizing woobification and absolutely unhinged femme thirst that rides on the train of the initial marketing scheme for Astarion (like hello, Onlyfangs was fully intended as a lie to crumble in your face, and yet so many people haven't gotten past that phase in Astarion's reception). It a) hasn't been properly problematized for what it is and b) has proven to breach the boundaries of Astarion's fictitious reality just like the hate commonly addressed at creators tends to in the Internet spaces.

Both these attitudes are a result of cherry picking and a sort of confirmation bias (not in a scientific sense but in a sense of already having a complete "correct" reading of a narrative before you're finished and not allowing any textual evidence to change it), one is dangerously out of touch with the parasocial nature of gaming fandoms and the sheer force of impact that an Internet mob's opinion can have on someone's mental health if they have to face a barrage of a certain kind of takes. It is about some specific misconceptions about trauma survivors that only serve the healthy people to feel very helpful and very good about themselves, but also a part of a wider tendency where people treat the interpretation of any text of culture like a singular act of consumption that gives you the Correct Key Answer to use in a potential debate, not a proper circular methodology where you constantly agree to acquire new information, have your mind changed, your expectations subverted, where you agree to learn something and make self-discoveries through the classic esthetic shock. This wider tendency leads to all sorts of internet wank, not just in this specific case. Long story short, the fandom needs to get over their ick over fucking Aristotle and read about the parts of the process that necessarily precede catharsis.

NGL, looking at the state of the fandom it looks like Larian aimed a little too high with the kind of esthetic shock wave they wanted to send to Astarion's target audience. Whoever understands, understands it too well, and the collective of these inquisitive, understanding fans is likely to read into more layers of meaning and identification than the authors intended, and that's valid. But most people who need to be taught the lesson will not allow themselves to be shocked and challenged by a deeper literary take like that, because the openness to a classic esthetic experience isn't there.

the weirdest thing about the general astarion discourse in the bg3 fandom is that he does actually suck. and astarion fans seem to forget this all the time but he sucks ass. he’s a shitty guy. he’s lame and a loser and rude and kind of stupid and a bad person if you let him get away with it. that’s why i like him.

maybe it’s the blorbo glasses that make people forget about it or maybe it’s the infantilization of grown adults who’ve been traumatized but i see so much fighting about him that boils down to “he’s a shitty person!”/“no he isn’t, he was tortured for 200 years!”. and the answer is that he was a shitty person, got beaten half to death, and then got tortured for 200 years. he sucks and is also a victim. can we fight about something more interesting please.

[seaweedstarshine]

I just finished reading your meta on the NineRiver audios and honestly at first I was feeling a bit hesitant because of how I got exposed to the naysayers' takes first. But glad I finally felt brave enough to peek under the cut.

I love how you point out that the Doctor is always unsettled with the concept of having a wife in any regeneration because it's not that they hate River (which I've seen was the conclusion of some after listening to the audios 🫥), it's that they didn't think they'd ever be in a relationship, much more married of all things.

Also wanna ask if it's possible to have a clarification on the statement "River does not hide her infatuation". Unless it was used with a different meaning to what it usually has. Because by this point, she's past that infatuation stage? (Do we count Mels as the infatuation stage? I think early baby River could maybe count as infatuation stage too?)

Okay and the part where you point out that River barely notices the Doctor's new bodies is such a cool one because I JUST REALIZED IT. You know that thing where you ingest something but it takes you some time before said thing gets processed (usually by someone else pointing it out)? Yes, that's me.

Totally still laughing over Nine being "totally doing that kind of stuff with you, River, sans the guns" and around two regenerations later, he's totally doing that kind of stuff with River with the guns. He learned rather quickly that he has the tendency to give River what she wants lol (also headcanoning that Eleven had fashioned a hidden gun panel in the TARDIS console "just in case you need it River" but of course since we love angst he never was able to show it to her because she'd swanned off to the Library and he kept seeing her data ghost in the corner of his eye) (also could it be that the reason why Eleven is more "okay" sort of with her and her guns is because he understands her trauma and how having her gun around is sort of like her security blanket?)

Oh and Archipelago, my beloved. My heart hurt with Swipe Right, laughed a bit with Face of the Apocalypse, but damn, Archipelago. Damn. It made me bawl for a bit longer afterwards. I just love when Big Finish writers get DoctorRiver.

I'm gonna be dragging my heels a bit here though because although I originally went along with the QPR feels after my first listen (yes I listened to it again *⁠\⁠0⁠/⁠*), then a moot on Twitter pointed out that Nine and River had definitely fucked in the middle of the time storm. And I was like "WAIT WHAT WHEN WHERE" because how? I mean they were covered in corals by that time yeah? And moot said it happened near the end when they were acting "like a couple again" (must be after Nine read River's diary and got to know her, understand her). River described their time together while writing in her diary and mentioned "and then finally we lay together again". I had thought it meant literally lying down together but River being River, it could have meant they had, well, fucked. I don't understand the how of it though XD but they're River and the Doctor so kudos to them I guess?

erm this was quite long sorry for that >⁠.⁠<

ever questioning, Tia 💌

Thanks Tia! I liked your Star-Crossed initial review too :) “I also love how this smashes any belief that River forces the Doctor to have sex with her or do anything that the Doctor is uncomfortable with.” because YES. Yes, yes, yes. Anyway. A cut before I respond to each of these things.

1) Right?? Swipe Right could not have been more direct in repeating that the Doctor was bothered by the idea of marriage/relationships, not by River herself. The way writers give us aroace Nine, and some people can only see their ship war? Ah well.

2) Oh my god I totally misused infatuation — editing that! How do words work haha. I was thinking along the lines of… “Someone you can walk into your life and make you see everything completely differently.” “Harvey said that to me. Oh, believe me, Captain. The Doctor has already done that to me, multiple times.” Falling in love with the same person again and again… like older couples who consistently put in the work to go on regular dates, lighting these new sparks with new experiences even after being together for decades… couples like the Doctor and River. (Oh, my sweet Mels. There is a thin line between infatuation and brainwashing </3 Personally, I would say student River was her infatuation phase — researching him for positive reasons instead of murderous ones.)

3) River barely noticing the different bodies is so. <3 This corporeal form that is so tied to a human's sense of identity — yet to River or the Master, it’s no different than a particularly-physically-taxing change of clothes. Who hasn’t regenerated a few times? River gets to judge him for insisting on the face of a twelve-year-old. River gets to shoot off his hats. (Eleven radiating his “How do you do fellow kids?” energy.)

4) Oh yes, Nine and Ten were so self-righteous about guns. (River was so cute with Ten, too!) Ah, if Eleven had treated UNIT the way Ten had. Rory with his auton wrist-gun. Bad girl Churchill with his revolver. Miscellaneous Americans. I like to think the heart-to-heart over Wilf’s gun coinciding perfectly with regeneration helped him get past it; Eleven’s no-gun rule seems a lot more “good men don’t need rules, today is not the day to find out why I have so many” vibes. He doesn’t trust himself to use guns, but he does trust River — he believes in her far more than she believes in herself. (That said, YES— I really love the idea of the Doctor being very supportive of young student River having her guns, so that she feels safe. Even if she has PTSD flashbacks/brainwashing relapses and tries to kill him, he couldn’t care less; his only priority is making sure she feels safe and comfy, when she can. I wrote a fic with that as a theme lmao.) (Why you gotta BREAK MY HEART (girl I’m glad you do). Eleven standing alone against the colorless, minimalist console, hands pressed over the secret gun compartment he prepared — to show her how much she means to him — paralyzed by grief, torn between the need to be near to her and the need to protect himself from further heartsbreak, listening to River move around the room. Do you think River had her favorite alpha-meson blaster in the Library? He'll never be able to retrieve it. Nardole's not going to know to grab a gun.)

5) Oh, Archipelago. The way it completely gets these two, from the glorious to the dysfunctional, to the root reasons they just work. Secrets call for trust; but trust without the need of secrets becomes something so beautiful. Also, there's something I appreciate about the handling of an aspect that seems to get confused (by those who speculate “it's not love, the timeline forced it” as per that infamous-ish Harbo Wholmes video (okay, it's infamous-ish to doctorriver fans. Harbo has some misses haha); like we need further proof having a wedding isn't the only way to whisper in your lover’s ear). Nine's “Don't you wanna see what that's like to be with me, not cause it's preordained or prophesyed, just two people bobbing about taking it slow?” leading to their sharing secrets no other Doctor and River had shared before. The exploration wherein — far from their relationship being forced by the timeline — the temporal constraints of the fixed points of their deaths actually mean they have to work even harder for the relationship to be what it is, yet they create together something cosmically beautiful out of tragedy (“you know how much I use [the VM] to bind our lives together.”).

6) Huh, yeah, “And finally, we lay together again, in the height of the dark” sounded to me about lying down too! I did get the impression that lying down was the default since the coral infection (at least for River). River does love her innuendos in their verbal dance of wit (aka flirting), but it’s her diary, not the Bible… I think she would be more explicit than that, even if she is aiming for brevity! It wouldn't fit the vibe (in my opinion). As you say, they're barely able to move. And not that aroace people never fuck, but (personally) the idea of that here does leave the unsavory impression that River would've gone with it at the last hour while knowing it's not his thing, with the “whether you know that or not — whether you feel that or not” line coming afterwards despite the fact that he certainly “knows” their future at this point, from front to back to front to back again. (Also “acting like a couple again” is so subjective since QPPs do a lot of things that are typically associated with couples? like the physical intimacy between River and Nine?) Not being aroace myself I will try to speak more generally to avoid speaking over people on a topic I'm not qualified to speak on — but I think, at least, it would be very disappointing if it meant that — I know that it means a lot to me (and I become very protective) when I see positively-represented aspects of my own identity that are rarely portrayed in a non-stereotyped light — and it would indicate at best a major lack of miscommunication between writers after Swipe Right, or worse: if the implication was to uncritically imply his orientation could be altered by the right partner…? Anyway: I still see it as queerplatonic personally, but thanks for pointing out that observation because I wouldn't have thought of that line! (Also, I can't speak for your twitter mutual, who I don't know, etc.)

Anyway, thank you for the ask! 💌

Love the SMALL CAPS and YOU ARE LEGENDARY for them.

[thezoeydiaries]

ENTRY #2

Hi blog!

So just the other day, I went to the mall and had this idea of going to a K-Grill place and eating Samgyupsal alone. The idea was sort of intimidating at first for a few reasons:

I am currently a pretty hefty girl and I know I'll earn some weird looks from strangers.

I know I'd have to eat a lot of meat when I'm not even that hungry.

I have this irrational fear of being photographed by a random person while eating alone in a public place. (I don't want to be posted online with a sad empathetic caption and be pitied for being "alone" in public lol)

But despite having second thoughts about eating Samgyupsal on my own —I still did it. Because quite frankly, it was what I wanted to do at the time. So I braved my way into the place and asked for a table, and when the girl asked for how many —I chickened out and said it was for two.

I know, I shouldn't have lied about it, but I was kind of embarrassed knowing I'd be eating a ton of food on my own and I just wasn't prepared to see the judgment on their faces if I said I was dining alone. And since that happened, I had to find some excuse halfway into grilling, to say that nobody else was going to be joining me. LOL.

I'm usually the type of person who does what she wants, regardless of what others might think (don't get me wrong, there's a time and a place for this kind of behavior). As long as I don't hurt or disrespect anyone in the process of making that decision, then I shouldn't really care about what others might think right? Wrong. It may be easier said than done. While in principle, yes it should be that way, but as humans, we have the fundamental need to not be seen as socially deviant; that includes not doing things out of the ordinary to avoid being seen as odd. And going to a K-Grill place alone (when you usually go in groups) can somehow be seen as a peculiar move.

Regardless of this, I went to see just how far I could push myself out of my comfort zone. I went in there grilled some meat, watched videos on my phone, had a small chat with one of the waiters, and enjoyed my meal while I had a short catch-up with my dear cousin —Anjellikah over a video call.

As I finished talking to Jelly, one of the waiters came up to me and asked where my "companion" was and this is where I had to come up with a lie to cover up the fact that I intentionally went there to eat alone HAHAHAHAHA. I told Kuya "Ahh ang tagal nga po kaya nauna na po ako kumain", then he asked me where I worked and I told him that I worked for GMA Network. And after a short conversation, I pretended to get a text saying that my "COMPANION" would no longer be joining me. I told Kuya-Waiter this, and he removed the plate and other side dishes in front of me.

After the whole *palusot* thing I felt more at ease and I enjoyed the meal more since I didn't have the pressure of "waiting on someone" when there was no one to begin with. And that's when I realized how silly I was acting; people don't really care if you're alone or not, and even if they did, it's not like they're the ones getting full from eating all that glorious grilled meat lol.

Overall, I enjoyed my time in that K-Grill place near my dormitory, and I look forward to the next time I get to eat there again. For now, I think I've had enough beef to last me the next couple of months (si OA naman haha). But next time, I'll surely have more confidence entering that place and only asking for a table for one :)

Till my next grilling adventures~

Love,

Zoey na medyo amoy usok

[futuregws]

Now my opinion on the show. I will once again update when I actually finish it. So this is gonna be shorter.

I'm not kidding I think this is one of the best shows I've seen in a while, I think so far I prefer season 1 a little more than season 2 bc there was sooo much tension and i think that was the first time I didn't mind my anxiety levels going up with all those restaurant scenes of Carmy yelling lmao, season 2 has that but not so much (so far, I know ep 6 will, at least that's what I heard, it just won't be in the restaurant). The characters on this show (except Claire, once again, SO FAR) are all so well written, the friendships created between all of them were so good and so enjoyable to watch my favorite moment has to be that little fight between Richie and Fak about moving the lockers and "calling mom" aka Nat it was so funny I fucking loved it so much, the only complaint I have about the show so far is that it's a little too fast, there's characters that I don't remember the name, and when they mention someone I'm always like, okay am I supposed to know that person or?? It bothers me quite a bit, for example them having all different name for "uncle Jimmy" oof, fucking mess in my head, now it's a little better but still tough lmao, oh and Claire idk what they were thinking but 😬 I really tried to give her the benefit of the doubt bc I had already heard some things about her, but now actually seeing her and the way she acts, I actually kinda understand the complaining, I don't love how pushy she sounded with Carmy and like I get it she hasn't seen him in a while so she doesn't really know how he is now (not that she knew much before) so she didn't know that he definitely has a problem dealing with emotions and needs to process things, but I think she should have noticed it after a bit, bc it's quite noticeable, and even not knowing I personally could never act like that with someone I haven't seen in years but that's just me