#actually they probably don't just think i'm lazy they probably think i'm too mentally ill and overly sensitive to be believed also. whatever

[californiaquail]

went out to brunch for my friends birthday and nobody believed me when i said everyone at my workplace doesn't like me and wants me gone so now i'm laying in bed crying and like gaslighting myself about it. lol but the eggs benedict was great

[skyler1290]

(Beast Ancients AU belongs to @cuppajj )

(Also, if you're reading this, I love your AU so much. You're an amazing person, and I hope you feel good today /gen! If you don't like the AU or feel uncomfortable with it, just comment it. I'll take it down immediately.)

So... a fun fact about me is that I make up way too many ideas for my own good. A bit too many. And I happened to imagine an AU of the Beast Ancients AU, which is basically fanfiction, once you think about it.

So, I remember the creator of the AU stating that there probably wouldn't be any heroes to come after the beasts, so I imagined up an AU of my own where that does happen.

And the heroes are their own children.

Boom boom bam, plot twist /j.

None of them are OCs, by the way. Instead, they're canon cookies I've chosen that would be their children in this AU, but aren't their children in the actual storyline (except Dark Choco).

Yea... I'm making it work. Basically, here's the parents and children:

Frigid Cacao = Dark Choco

Saint Vanilla = Kouign-Amann

Celestial Cheese = Stormbringer (she's a demigoddess in this AU. I'll explain it all if this AU gets @cuppajj 's approval)

Dragonberry = Raspberry

Midnight Lily = Mercurial Knight

So, basically, the witches are basically done with the cookies. They're like: "Oh my gosh. Why is this happening again? We're way too lazy to trap them into a tree like what we did with the last beasts. So instead, let's recruit their mentally ill teenage children to defeat them for us! Let's give them souljams and make them immortal. Seems like a good idea!"

Also, the children will be in their late teens in this AU (they're chronologically adults, but mentally and physically they are teens), it's a long story.

Here are the souljams (by the way, they'd all be two colors, just to press on the fact that these are new souljams and not fragments of old ones anymore. Though, they do connect to the past ones in concept):

Dark Choco = Balance (connects to Truth)

Kouign-Amann = Ambition (connects to Passion)

Stormbringer = Will (connects to Resolution)

Raspberry = Loyalty (connects to Freedom in an opposite like way)

Mercurial Knight = Detachment (connects to Abundance in an opposite like way)

Yes. My brain's a bit crazy. I don't know how I got these ideas, either. I can't tell if they're genuinely good or horrid.

If this AU gets the green light, unfortunately you aren't going to get any art or drawings. This is because I can't draw to save my life. So this AU will have to drive off of pure writing. 😭

But I'm not diving too deep into the AU for now since I want to make sure the creator is ok with this stuff.

P.S. = The old beasts are already defeated, but their powers and souljams are locked away, so the ancients beasts can't use them.

[mamuzzy]

— Is “psycho” a slur? —

My easiest answer to this question: ASK IF A REAL PERSON IS OKAY TO BE CALLED A PSYCHO. If not, then you are not calling the person with ASPD, BPD, or any other PD a psycho.

Listen to the people with personality disorders, not the people who claim they are allys so they call everything ableist that can hurt our pretty sensitive disabled heart. There is a chance that someone is made the label their own. And someone is not okay with it. No, you don't make a fucking a poll where everyone can vote, and even the neighbours cat can puke on the reblog button. YOU TALK TO A REAL PERSON, YOU ASK. End of story.

Personality disorders and especially Antisocial Personality Disorder are often associated to “being a psycho”.

And you especially met with this term in RepComm while reading.

“EWWWW REPCOMM AND KAREN TRAVISS AND KAL SKIRATA IS FUCKIGN ABLEIST DON’T READ IT OR YOU’LL BECOME ABLEIST YOURSE-“

When I mention TODAY to someone that I have personality disorder, people are being like: okay and you are eating that with fork or spoon?

You call out ableism because you heard it somewhere that being called a psycho is ableist, and calling out ableism gives you browney points on tumblr.

“Psycho” is not a slur. Sometimes not even the self-diagnosed psyhopaths know about the existence of the term of ASPD (that's how personality disorders are not in every speech!!!), they just now that something is wrong, because they always hit walls around people. Psycho or sociopath was the closest that you could name this condition in the early 2000's.

Nulls being called a psycho is not Kal Skirata’s elaborate trick to enslave the nulls or whatever the fuck anti-kal people comes up with. People with pd-s are mostly self-aware. Being always fucking self-aware is why we know that we don’t fit in.

Someone with personality disorder is extremely important to be self-aware, that's why name-erasing, mental-health erasing cause more harm. You don't say shit like to a pd that "you are completely normal, there is nothing wrong with you, carry on" because the next time we actually do something mentally ill™, you will be the first to call us "fucking psychos".

(yeah. I know. so much we, and them, and us, like I'm one with ASPD too, I'm trying to figure if I have more personality disorder than BPD, and probably have.)

In this age where everything is within reach via internet, people truly forget that media is accessible written by different generations, and when I see younger people engaging with the Republic Commando series TODAY in 2024 with today’s tumblr sensitivity standards, I think: vod. Are you aware that the first book came out in 2004, TWENTY YEARS AGO? The accessibility to everything is great but it totally messes up the ability to see TIME CONTEXT. And this time blindness can truly mess up communication between different generations too, causing rifts and we end up invalidating other’s experiences if we are not careful.

“But there were more progressive books even before 2004” - Probably. Only we didn’t have an entire library of progressive labels of genders, sexuality, phobias and MENTAL ILLNESSES AND CONDITIONS.

Not in everyday speech. If no one talks about it, you won't know the concept. You don't know how to ask questions aside from "what's wrong with me?"

WATCH OUT! SLURS INCOMING!!!!

In the early 2000’s and before if your teachers hated you, your parents weren’t educated (or just didn’t care), or your parents themselves never got proper treatment for their neurodivergency, there is chance that YOU ALSO didn’t have a chance to get a proper diagnosis for different types of neurodivergency as a child.

children with dyscalculia were called lazy.

children with dyslexia were called retards who can't even read.

children who were fine playing alone were the weird ones.

autistic people? You mean rain man? Or those braindead retards shitting themselves and throwing fits and should have been euthanized if their parents had any love for them? Oh no you are not autistic, stop being oversensitive to noises and shit and people bullying you for your special interests is not bullying, they are just trying to involve you sweetheart.

ADHD? Problem children with behavior issues.

Antisocial Personality Disorder? Psychos. Problem children. HOOLIGANS. DEVIANTS.

Sounds familiar? No? Then I am truly happy for you.

People like to use this quote to prove that the Nulls didn’t have mental illnesses, it’s just Kal who spread the rumors about them, and the Nulls weren’t more than your ordinary bad behaving children. Because Vau is an outsider, therefore more reliable and objective narrator about the Nulls and because fuckkalskirataingeneral. Yeah. Sure. But we are talking about Walon Vau.

Walon “my father beat the living shit out of me as a child but I turned out fine” Vau.

These kind of abused people In real life with the exact same mentality tell you that you don’t have a problem, you are just oversensitive. You don’t need therapy, you just have to man up. Don’t take pills because pills are for pussies. YOU DON’T HAVE MENTAL ILLNESS, YOU ARE JUST A BAD CHILD. Generational trauma is fucking shit and affects everybody.

Walon Vau alone deserves a separate post about his non-existent mental health. And Sev, now that he was mentioned here. Sev is especially heartbreaking, seeing how Nulls as psychos are treated, and how Sev as a psycho is treated in the books.

This blurb is born from the thought that the Nulls are having Antisocial Personality Disorder and I’ve come to this conclusion because they are constantly called psychos, the most common label people used for this kind of behavior patterns they show throughout the series.

ASPD or Antisocial Personality Disorder and the usage of this name is encouraged in scientific circles because the symptoms and traits of psychopathy can’t be measured objectively anymore. Psychopathy is a neurological/hormonal condition, but no longer its own sickness, because other non-related disorders, diseases and illnesses can mimic the symptoms of psychopathy for eg.: DEMENTIA.

If you ever wonder how can a 80 years old person who never showed any sign of aggression before just go and brutally kill their neighbor for a sole treebranch hanging over the fence and littering the garden with leaves, there is a chance that something is not alright in the brain anymore.

Emotions developed healthy with healthy self-restraints and and self-control will not let you do socially unacceptable things like killing to solve problems, just because your brain tells you: BASH THEIR FUCKING SKULL WITH A ROCK.

Every emotional response are hormones and neurotransmitters in work. Brain is responsible to give the appropriate response to each situation we are facing. If you have hormonal problems, or neurological conditions, different brain structure than a neurotypical people, there is a chance, that these responses are not working as they are intended, you will have different or more extreme emotional responses to things, or not having at all.

So that is why we don’t use the terms of psychopath today as an individual sickness, because PSYCHOPATHY ITSELF IS A SYMPTOM of various conditions! People with psychopathy, the “psychos” are usually on the spectrum of ASPD.

So again, repeat after me like I'm Dora the explorer who put you on gunpoint:

ASK IF A REAL PERSON WITH ASPD IS OKAY WITH BEING CALLED A PSYCHO. IF NOT, YOU DON'T CALL THE PERSON PSYCHO. END OF STORY.

[weabooweedwitch]

Most women your age are getting married and starting their families and you've never even had a bf 🤡 it's so over for you better get used to coping with ur crippling loneliness with maladaptive daydreaming, yandere asmr videos, drugs and self-insert fanfic because that's all you'll ever have now. Your youth is gone and you're still fat af even after you lost weight (probably gained it all back by now lmao). You could have made something of urself whem you were 20 by losing weight and going to college but instead you laid around and wasted all of your youth and now it's too late. No man will ever want to deal with your baggage of being poor, old, unwanted, uneducated (lmao how do I have more education than you and I'm 10 years younger? dumbass doesnt even have her GED), cringey age-inappropriate hobbies, mentally ill and not even having the decency to go to therapy and take meds, fat, ugly face, loser and loner with no irl friends, crazy family, looking old for your age, whored yourself out on a sugar daddy website, rotten teeth due to your own laziness, thinning frizzy hair and gross bulky glasses, drug addicted alcoholic who's probably going to be homeless for the majority of her life, mean person attacking minor aged rape victims like jesus christ you're so fucking worthless SO many red flags so much baggage no-one will ever want to deal with that. You don't even know how worthless you are

You know, every time you send me a message like this, I think of the person from your friend group who came forward a while back. You know, the one you don't like to acknowledge tried to apologize on your behalf. Anyways, every time you insult my appearance I just think of what your friend said

So i get it sweetie, youre mad at mommy and daddy and you're lashing out. That's why half the time you're repeating things i previously said back to me and parroting shallow insults with a very small vocabulary. The second i call you fatherless, you call me fatherless. I use thw word maladaptive and, suddenly you know that word too and juat HAVE to use it as well. I get it. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery

You're honestly just making yourself look so pitiable. You realize you've already painted yourself as such a dumb jackass that every single time you do this I basically just laugh and ignore you, and then people who know me and are friends or WANT TO be friends with me see how you treat me publicly and they all say "yeah wow who's this absolutely demonic little cunt acting like this without any reason". Like. What is the end goal here. Making yourself look as petty and stupid as possible. Meanwhile, what did someone else in your friend group say? The ones you lied to? Including Callie, the actual victim whose trauma you're basically trying to appropriate for yourself

Anyways yeah I just wanted to like show you the actual screenshots of the conversation I had with your friend back in June, which also to everyone else, yeah June, that's when she lied to her own friends and said she would stop doing this. She lied to her friends because all of them told her this was making them massively uncomfortable, so now she's. Being an internet troll in secret behind their backs 😂 they were going to tattle on you to your mom so you lied so they wouldn't check tumblr anymore because you're such a weird angry little freak that this has become a hobby for you

I'm sad? I'M sad? I don't even know your fucking name meanwhile you've scrolled through all of my blogs repeatedly for months cataloging details about me for the sheer purpose of trying to poorly insult me.

Like genuinely 90% of the reason I'm answering this is to basically wave a flag saying "hey everyone if you've ever seen or received weird asks of photoshopped porn of me or pictures of my actual family taken from their facebooks or saw the transphobic racist fake dating profile she made with one of my selfies or you ever received a bitch lasagna or Zalgo text, it was this cringey little lolcow right here"

But I also wanted to show you screenshot proof that you make your own friends super uncomfortable and that they started talking about your personal business to defend me over you. So. Yeah I guess that stings huh?

[wheelercore]

Mike, Victor, Fred, and Ted: weird murder/killing & PTSD subtext

Now that I have been thinking Too Much about Fred, I am interested in the "holding the mirror up" aspect of it.

We see them intentionally show Fred's reflection on the grandfather clock

Which the camera angle in which this was done reminds me SO MUCH of how they reflected Victor in the bathwater where the spiders were.

Also notice when Victor was arrested it was against the same wall the grandfather clock stands against-it actually might be there within frame on the right but that also might be a doorway- I'm not sure. Looks like its probably a doorway but the clock is somewhere around there.

You also have the fire similarity between Fred's vision and Victors:

The similarity being: murderer

They both feel and intense amount of guilt for what they have done- however both was an accident. Victor, I think, pretty obviously has PTSD and Fred might have also. We'll get to this later.

They also do the same reflection into the grandfather clock with Henry- right as he uses his powers for the first and it immediately cuts to him killing a rabbit.

Also the rainbow being ~~gay~~ but also may I say it might also be a reference to Henrys future killings in the Rainbow Room.

The thing that interests me is why the grandfather clock is associated with 'murderer'? In fact it's what is associated with Henry's powers, which is what he then uses to kill his family and the kids in the rainbow room. We also see the clock presents most of the time as jutting out of trees (Chrissy- reference to Nancy in s1) and walls (Patrick and Max)- which are places we've seen be associated with a breach in the barrier between the UD and RSU. As if the clock is forcing it's way from the UD to the RSU- like we see repeatedly UD beasts do.

So in a sense the symbolism works like this:

Clock -> breaching the barrier between the UD and RSU -> akin to UD monsters -> the UD monsters being a mirror/reflection of humanity's predatory nature -> predator defined as "preys on the weak" -> mentions of various famous killers (Freddy Krueger, Michael Meyers, and Ted Bundy- all in the same episode by the way).

Its especially interesting that Fred is a mix of Mike and Ted:

(Mikes s3 scar and Ted's glasses. Again, all in the same episode.)

Mind you, they make a whole circle of character-murderer references: Victor is compared to Michael Meyers, Eddie (not a murderer but was witness to one and is later accused) is compared to Ted Bundy (both names are short of Edward also), and I believe Vecna/Henry is compared to Freddy Krueger at some point also.

To add to this, the topic of PTSD is also something shared, I believe, between Fred, Victor, Mike, and Ted (and also most likely Henry but I haven't really looked into any specific uses of symbolism, name games, etc etc im lazy).

I believe I saw @aemiron-main mention previously about how it seemed that Victor had gained weight over the course of the Creel sequences given to us. While neither Victor nor Henry, I believe, are inclined to mention how much Victor had been eating once he was triggered by the Vecna visions so we don't necessary see any explicit confirmation of it, to me in a round-about way its supported by Ted's eating habits particularly in s2 and how that ties back to Victor since they're paralleled in this sense.

(Em, you're the resident expert on Victor so feel free to add anything on here related to this if you would like to. I'm sure you have much more coherent things/proof to say about this than I do when it comes to Victor haha).

In Henry's monologue (which is literally just the writers "spelling it out to us" as promised), he mentions eating as one of the distractions, ie just another way of describing coping mechanisms (heavy themes of mental illness/trauma all over the place in s4 as it relates to conformity and the metaphor behind Vecna).

In season 2 we hardly see Ted not eating/drinking (dinner scenes- obviously, doorbell scene with Dustin where he was holding a mug in his hand). Even in the opening scene he's the only person eating pringles (?) in the kitchen with Karen and Holly:

Even in the end of s1 he's apparently fallen asleep while eating out of a large bowl of popcorn.

Multiple times overeating is brought up with Karen angrily commenting that she hopes he's enjoying his chicken after we see her observe twice Ted not backing her up at the dinner table but rather just drinking/chewing (mind you this is all happening while discussion wills disappearance is going on, with the general consensus in the town being that Will was taken by a child abductor/murder- with Ted's See what happens? line being particularly interesting):

and Dustin jokingly putting an excessive amount of pancakes on his plate after Ted sarcastically tells him to "take us for all we're worth".

Hell, even the scene were Ted is holding a random donut in the church in s4- it's overeating/eating when its inappropriate, particularly doing a stressful moment, and again, this was related to the serial killings of Chrissy, Fred, and Patrick and how Eddie was scapegoated for it. Or Ted being the only person eating at Will's funeral, very obvious because he's the only one holding a plate. And these are only instances I remember off the top of my head.

Victor, while, again, we don't see as much of an association with food we do see him repeatedly get triggered over the course of the events shown to us. Victor describes his vecna visions as "living nightmares" which is a callback to Hopper and Joyce's conversation, again, in season 2:

Victors visions, unlike Virginia's, were intentionally very reminiscent of PTSD flashbacks. Victor was being repeatedly triggered all throughout the time of being "haunted" by this "demon".

Switching back around to Mike for a bit, we get the parallel in s4 to the s1 dinner scene, this time with Mike, who, unlike his father, is not eating very much. And Will, from the same vantage point as Karen in the s1 scene and like Karen, notices subtly:

Takes a similar sip of his drink when El storms off, similar to how Ted takes a sip of his drink both times when Nancy and Mike storm off. Honestly it would have been funny if Murray had made chicken risotto.

Regardless to get to my point, these can be signs of traumatic events happening in the past:

(x)

While again, it's hard to tell with Victor, because comparatively we don't see much of him, there are some subtle hints. Talking about being "moody":

Dr. Owens explicitly mentions "changes in personality" as a sign of PTSD to look out for.

There's the clothing parallel between Mike and Ted related to this in again, you guessed it, season 2:

Both are scenes in which they are acting pretty irritable and standoff-ish to someone. Mike being this way towards Max due to the trauma and guilt of watching El "die" at the end of s1, related to death- again like Victor and Fred, however Mike was not culpable although I suppose he may have felt that he had not done enough to save El.

We don't know what's up with Ted, but he was actually strangely in this scene- not hearing the incessant ringing of the doorbell or even noticing Karen out loud ask him to get the door judging from the fact that he says "I'll get it" as if he hadn't heard her. Karen seemed annoyed by this as if this has become a common occurrence in the last year or so. He seemed to have been intensely concentrated or more so distracted, obviously with a drink in his hand.

stranger things writers dot twitter are sooo correct s2 is underrated we love the PTSD season

Notice how both are all dressed up- projecting an image of having yourself together, "perfection", when you're really not. Reminds me of that scene of s1 where Mike is complains the tie is choking him, and Ted tells him that that's how its supposed to be. Symbolizing an excessive amount of control over oneself and ones emotions (choking oneself as symbolized by clothing), which is seen through various habits, e.g. overeating/lack of eating.

Now, last thing that's a bit of a tangent, but going all the way back to this theme of murderers and killing- e.g. Mike's survivor's guilt, the interesting parallel between Holly and Henry catch my attention. Both are described as "explorers". Henry after he looks into the grandfather clock and 'gains' his abilities:

I saw my parents as they truly were. They presented themselves as good, normal people. But like everything else in this world, it was a lie. A terrible lie. They had done terrible things, Eleven. Such awful things.

(Sorry I ran out of image space >.<)

After Holly witnesses the Demogorgon ("predator") almost come out of the wall, again like we see with the grandfather clock which is reflected on Fred (Ted+Mike), Karen describes her as an explorer- which is referenced back to Henry seeing his parents for who they truly were. Holly then also notices the flesh monster from the ferries wheel (UD "predator") but Karen and Ted tell her to ignore it and look at the pretty fireworks. We know Holly was at the pool when Karen was flirting with Billy there, however what "terrible", "awful" thing Ted had done in the past is still unknown.

Shortly after this in s3- Karen, Ted, and Holly become the family unit which is then indirectly described in the church scene as "a lie designed to hide a truth", with Karen and Ted's clothing paralleling Mike and El's from early s3 when they were being an annoyingly fake couple.

While Victors fate is almost obviously reminiscent of Oedipus (the whole eye gouging and all- falling into a fate that was one of his own doing when he accidentally murdered that family during the war)- Mike does also get two moments were he technically "blinds" himself all throughout s4: the sun glasses in the airport and the sensory deprivation glasses at that pizza place- a fate that more closely follows Oedipus: kill your father, become your father, and then marry your mother.

(the last one being a whole nother long post)

Anyways... what exactly happened in 1959?

[camprell-art]

Does shadoo remember dimentio?

I thought about this for some time now.

So welcome to the "Camprell being mentally ill about his own fanlore" show!

I'm gonna put a read more here because it got soooooooo long.

1st option!

I can do it the extra painful way, that would be if they don't remember but still meet each other, and there is a probability that the whole ordeal with the Pixl Queen happens again, Shadoo is a living killing machine, she's locked behind all those walls and doors for a reason. But I don't like this one very much because it's too bland, and not just bland but a bit out of the plot, like, why would they even meet if nobody remembers anything?

2nd option!

This one can go in two ways, it could be like this story here, I would change some parts of it today, but essentially it's this, Dimentio goes there, says her name, she gets curious and then maybe they would talk... Buuut, this one would not make so much sense in the new characterization, my Dimentio was much more sensitive, more sad than insane? More depressed than psychotic or neurotic? I'll do better research about this, so you can correct me if I'm wrong.

3rd option!

This one is more tricky, because I would have to figure out what to do with the Dark Prognosticus, where the hell did the book go? Did it disappear? Was the Chaos Heart the ultimate point of it? Because I do believe that the DP, contrary to its Light counterpart, wasn't written by anyone, maybe created by something, however, considering that the thing can't keep its records forever (or else the book would be enormous), the only scenario that makes sense is that it is erased and written by itself, making the book more of an entity than an object.

If the DP is gone, then Dimentio can have other thoughts in his head that aren't obscured by the thing talking in it, so maybe some of his memories could slowly start to make sense, his dreams would come back to the "traumatic state", rather than blurry visions of a future that is near.

When I say traumatic state, I mean those memories that are very deep in his mind, the ones that actually explain all the actions and decisions he made in the past. Even the curse would have a meaning, he always thought it was some magic corruption because he kept coming back, but then, after a lot of dreams, he would discover that it wasn't entirely that.

Shadoo is literally what would happen to him if the curse was complete, in her case it was way faster, since the only reason she is alive was because she became a Pixl with the help of the Prognosticus. When Pixl Queen Shadoo dies again, all that is left is a shadow of herself, the thing in the end of the Pits is just her soul. If someone killed her for real, she would just turn into a glittery dust and fade from reality, no Underwhere, no Overthere. But I believe that for this immortal "creature" this is the best ending she could have.

So Dimentio would probably kill her just to end her suffering, and I think that Shadoo wouldn't even be scared if this does happen, all that she wanted was revenge, but there's no reason to do that when your brother came back and you finally can rest after so many years of isolation and loneliness.

Sorry for possible redundancies and grammatical errors + typos + wrong words, I'm so sleepy and I'm lazy to correct and read my own text. X)

[markersmadness]

OTP PROMPTS ೄྀ

If you're brainrotting, here are some situations & scenarios that can help with writer's block, or just are fun to imagine!

A = Typically the character struggling in angsty prompts, perhaps the stubborn person in the relationship. Usually the main focus in a 3rd person POV!

B = Typically a stoic character. May be better at hiding their feelings, or have a complex psyche especially. Usually the perspective in a 1st person POV!

[ Whatever characters you envision never have to fit these tropes, they're just a general outline as to what these prompts work best for! The roles reverse occasionally for ships with other dynamics or dynamics where both characters share the descriptors listed. You're more than welcome to use a prompt here without credit, but I'd love to see anything made based off these prompts! ]

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A comes out as [identity/sexuality]. This idea can be elaborated upon in many ways! Perhaps it makes B realize they actually have a chance, or that they don't know A as well as A knows them. Did A not have a choice? Perhaps B could be comforting A after being distraught that they had been outed. Was it a drunk confession? One that only happened after a series of very 🌈 things, and/or is very overdue? The possibilities are endless! If you're more of a hurt/no comfort person, consider if B didn't like them that way or was discriminative. Or A was murdered or hate crimed for it, bullied, etc. Think about how A would handle it, and how would B react to A's reaction?

The gold ol' sickfic in which A falls ill. A great fluff, angst, hurt/comfort or even a hurt/no comfort. Fuck it, a smut fic in some cases! Consider what reasons your character probably got sick; Overworking, laziness (not being hygienic), staying out in the rain too long, just getting sick during that time of the year, having a weak immune system, mental problems that had/have physical symptoms, was unlucky and got a chronic illness, eating habits, family genetics, perhaps even faking being sick for B's attention! Consider how B would react to this information- or if they'd even know this information about the other, and if A would tell them. Would B pick up on the clues, or be oblivious to the other's sickness? How would B care for them? Would B be more soft, or be angry with them for getting sick? What stage of their relationship are they in? If you struggle to write a sick character, I suggest scrolling through the sickfic tag!

Note: While most sickfics show a dynamic where B is a caretaker and only listening and tending to A, there are lots of other possibilities! B could get into an argument with A because A refuses to rest, or argue because B doesn't know how to explain that they're in love with A and that's why it's important to them that A is happy and healthy without confessing. A could feel burdensome and force themself to get better (which could backfire), or B could be absolute dogshit at caretaking (babe I made you soup but I burnt the everything) (shit this ice pack is warm as fuck) (I'm sorry dude I fucked up your assignments while you were resting), etc.

Jealousy. While it's a overused trope, it is still a good one! Typically portrayed as B being protective over A, I find it is more fun to write when both are jealous for each other. Or when the jealous character hasn't come to terms with their feelings ("I'm not in love but when my "friend" flirts with someone else I feel really mad for no reason at all hahaha what"). Did A make B jealous on purpose, or by mistake? Maybe A is the emotional hotheaded one, or the jokester, whilst B is more reclusive and gentle, making their uncharacteristic anger (read; jealous) that much more evident. Or it could be A whose jealous, as B is simply chilling and talking to someone, and now it isn't a joke when A comments that "don't get too friendly I might get jealous!" They could also be rivals if you like ETL, making their jealousy even more confusing for them because why would I ever feel jealous about them..?! That's so weird whattt...

Jealousy is used a lot in every aspect of fanfiction. I find it best enjoyed as angst, but wholesome reassurance fluff is also a huge fan favorite of a lot of people I know- ("I only like you, so don't worry", etc.) Smut, of course, plays on jealousy as well. But make sure to keep in mind jealousy isn't the same as possessiveness! Protective characters can be more prone to jealousy, using B as an example, who wants to protect their loved ones, but then why does it hurt when someone is protecting A, and it isn't them? Humor is also used in jealousy, as watching a character slowly get hotheaded or act stupidly or comedically from their jealousy is also fun to read. Do consider when writing (if you want to!) if B comes off as overbearing or jealous, or both? Write them the way you want them to come off, as readers can feel uncomfortable if possessiveness or other toxic traits are passed off as jealousy. And it's also interesting to read about a character who thinks it's just jealousy! However, make sure to properly tag your works if on ao3, or add TWs on other platforms so they know what they're reading :)

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That's all I have right now! If this gets a lot of likes or if anyone wants more tropes / ideas like this I'd be happy to make a part 2. I've been brainrotting so much I've run through these scenarios like 30 times over, so I'm making this guide for myself as well so I can stop repeating the same fanfic in my head (>_<)

[jimmyandthegiraffes]

Fic Writing Review 2023 🌈

Thank you sm @itwoodbeprefect for the tag!!!

I hardly published anything this year so if u wanna skip to 'projects for 2024' that's gonna be the most interesting bit >.<

Words and Fics (on ao3) 📚

words posted: 714 💀 but many more words were written, just not posted lol fics posted: 1 first fic/last fic 😅: King of the Eyesores - Doctor Who (1963)

Ships and Fandoms ⚓

Doctor Who - no ships really but KotE is Mike Yates-centric.

Top 5 Fics by Kudos 🏆

It's KotE again lol which is at 6 kudos. Of all time, tho:

After the Hour(glass) - Night at the Museum (Jedtavius)

Less Than Ideal Circumstances - The Man from UNCLE (TV) (Napollya)

When They Sleep - The Man from UNCLE (TV)

Dismiss Your Fears - Back to the Future

After All, I'm Only Sleeping - Doctor Who (1963)

Top 5 Favorite Fics 💖

KotE......... I do actually rly enjoy KotE I think it has potential in terms of where it's going. But since I only posted one fic in 2023, I'll do my top 5 of fics I've ever posted. Apart from the first one this is in no particular order

tickertape - The A-Team (TV) it's my baby it's all I thought about for months of my life, it's like an iceberg (i.e. most of it is in my WIP doc, and only a tiny fraction is published so far), it got me thru a difficult time, it's an exploration of mental illness and complicated messy relationships expressed in epic format (i.e. it's probably gonna be novel length when it's done)

Bullet Number Six - Starsky & Hutch (TV) it received criticism for being obscure and hard to follow bc it switches pov briefly halfway thru but idc i love it anyway

I Gotta Right to Sing the Blues - The A-Team (TV) it was my first A-Team fic and I still think for a beginner it nailed some p realistic in-character dialogue and addressed an undertone I wished I'd seen addressed in the ep it's a coda to.

When They Sleep - The Man from UNCLE (TV) it's kind of riddled with certain mannerisms of my slightly older writing which I personally find a bit annoying and have worked to iron out for the sake of elegance over the years. but I still think it's a cool little exploration of all my sleep headcanons for the pair of them in one place

King of the Eyesores - Doctor Who (1963) see it made it to the list after all! I kinda like it more for its potential than for what it is right now butttttt who cares.

special mention to Unbereft (Starsky & Hutch) which I really really like but I wrote it in one frenzied sitting and only remembered after I'd posted it that it was very like someone else's fic I'd read several years previously. I don't think it's too much like to be taken down and I've since mentioned the writer of the other fic (it was dawnwind, hello!) in the notes. that's the only reason unbereft isn't in my top 5 because I'm otherwise really proud of how well it's written. Not to tootle on my own trumpet.

Fandom fic events

none RIP but maybe this year!!

Projects for 2024

Okay here we goooooooooooo

priority 1 is to finish the unfinished works that I've already half posted: King of the Eyesores, Every Line A Comedy, OUTATIME, The Windhover, tickertape, The Hanoi Bank Job and Other Misadventures, 38 Hours. Bolded are my top priorities.

other works that I'm writing but which haven't seen the light of day at all yet:

Dear Mike - an epistolary between Jo Grant and Mike Yates following her marriage to Cliff Jones.

The Lark/Behind That Locked Door (working titles) - a 30-chapter 2/Jamie fic about season 6B in which Jamie suffers permanent memory problems after the War Games. It explores grief, social ostracism, feeling abandoned, undirected anger, guilt, and acceptance that healing sometimes is a process that is never complete. I've been working on it since about 2016 lol but I'm lazy I just need to press on.

hell valley au - as yet untitled lol. In which the Hell Valley!Marty (who is never seen in BTTF2 as he is in Switzerland) and Hell Valley!Doc (who has been institutionalized) break out of their respective situations and go on the run together. But there's a problem - they had to leave Einstein behind, and when they get information that Einie is to be used for a dogfight, they make the risky decision to go back to Hill Valley to rescue him. However, going back to the place they just escaped by the skin of their teeth also brings them face to face with the last person they expect to meet.

a changed man (working title) - a Randall & Hopkirk (Deceased) fic from Jeannie's pov. mostly it's about their picnic excursions but it's also about Jeannie wishing Marty wasn't such an elephant in the room

mfu/rahd xover (untitled) - the first chapter of this is almost ready to go tbh. it's what it says on the tin lol, Napoleon and Illya go to London and get help from a rather eccentric private detective who has uncanny powers of solving impossible cases but also they think is probably clinically insane

to see him happy - VERY weird rahd fic. it's smut but its also about grief. might never post it because several of my family members have access to my tumblr and therefore my ao3 lol they dont need to see that

the winter of '62 - a study of jeff and marty's life when they lived together in a grotty bedsit and couldnt afford to put the heating on

star wars (untitled) - set during ROTJ, han pov. han's lost a lot of time and now everyone is one step ahead of him which isn't a sensation he's used to

skyrissian - what it says on the tin lol

the older gen (untitled) - jeeves fic about bertie's aunts and uncles and parents as they were as they variously grew up, got married, had children, died (or didn't), fell prey to alcoholism or insanity or petty crime, went to war, prospered (or didn't)... This is pretty unlikely to be finished this year tbh as it's very detailed but I can dream

a couple of long form fics about starsky & hutch and mfu respectively (the s&h one is set post sweet revenge, the mfu one takes place at various moments throughout the show)

x-files series - canon compliant until paperclip and then gradually diverges into how i think the show should have gone lol. another biggie

and a handful of tintin fics that im protective of and might never post but we'll see - one where tintin and chang go on holiday in london after picaros, one where the gang encounters rajaijah one last time (featuring a letter from didi, chang making a very daring crossing at the songolese border, and tintin taking about ten years to chop up a clove of garlic), and one where tintin gets shitfaced at an embassy ball and accidentally starts an Incident. haddock looks on, appalled.

i knoooooooooooooooowww this is a lot but i'm not realistically hoping to finish it all this year but it's nice to have lots of things to play around with lol.

unfortunately i have the eternal problem of not ever knowing which of my mutuals write fic and which of those havent already been tagged but imma tag @theteaisaddictive and genuinely if u see this and u write fic ur tagged i want to knowwwwwwwwwwwww <333

[cryptidsurveys]

Friday, July 26th, 2024.

Do you ever worry about your future? (i.e.: college, marriage, kids, etc) I try not to dwell on it too much because it feels so daunting and hopeless, but yes, I do have a lot of fears about my future (finances, independence, living situation, deaths of loved ones, general survival…). I lost most of my teens and 20s to what I guess could be considered pretty severe mental illness, so I'm waaay behind where I should be for someone my age. It's only been over the past year or so that I feel like I've made real progress toward getting it together.

Does your family use coasters? Is anyone in your family excessively tidy? I use folded paper towels for drinks at my computer desk, but otherwise, no. Also, no one is excessively tidy, but I do try to keep things reasonably neat.

What’s your least favorite chore to do around the house? Do you have to do this often? Probably anything involving dusting. Idk why. It's not like I don't do the same damn thing at the animal shelter, and a whole heck of a lot more of it.

If you went to your mom/dad or whoever you live with and said “hey, I’ll clean the whole house if you give me 20 bucks” would they go for it? Would you raise the price? My dad and I share our incomes and expenses, so there wouldn't really be any point to that.

Are you usually late, early or right on time? Early.

If you wrote a journal entry about your last date, what would it say? Hmm.

On a scale of 1 to 5 how organized are you? Maybe 2-3.

Name a movie you can watch over and over again and not be bored with? I'm actually not the type of person to repeatedly rewatch movies. Once I know what's going to happen, no matter how much I might love a film, it just makes me feel somewhat bored and restless.

Do you wear pajamas to places other than at your house? Sometimes shopping. They aren't like pajama pajamas, though; it's usually something like sweatpants and a hoodie.

Do you take showers in the morning or at night more? I take them in the mornings, then again when I get home from the shelter.

What is the wallpaper on your cellphone? It's a photo of a dark and cloudy sunrise from yeeears ago.

Do you still have your tonsils? I do.

What is the worst thing someone has ever done to you? Idk.

Have you ever gone nude/streaked in public? No.

Do you snore? Steal the covers? Roll around in your sleep? I've never been told that I snore. Idk if I steal the covers. And my sleep style could be compared to a rotisserie chicken.

Why aren’t you with the person you love? I'm not in love with anyone.

Could you go out in public looking like you do now? Aside from the hoodie, which I put on when I got home, I just returned from a fundraising event for the shelter. You know how I was saying I was socially/emotionally worn out in the last survey? Well, I feel rather rejuvenated now. It was a really nice time. :') Also, maybe I'm too hard on myself when it comes to feeling like I don't belong. Like, there was a speech honoring staff, volunteers, sponsors, etc, and when it got to the staff part, I was clapping for some workers nearby and Marissa was like, "don't clap for me like you don't work here too!" ;D I'll try to post some pictures tomorrow. I'm too tired/lazy to bother with that now.

Do you like the rain? Yesss.

What is your mom listed under in your phone? Mom.

Do you like going to the dentist? No.

Are you afraid of speaking to large audiences? Yeah.

Are you afraid to tell the truth sometimes? Yeah, or to say what I really think/feel. It'd be honest, but probably not productive.

What’s one quality about yourself that you feel sets you back but also helps you? People-pleasing. I feel like it leads to people really liking me in a superficial way, but never really knowing me because I'm just sort of one-dimensional in that regard. I'm always happy/trying to make others happy, refraining from saying anything too real, deep, or controversial, etc. I'm starting to see how it keeps people at a distance and how it's probably part of the reason I have trouble truly connecting with others, but then I'm afraid that if I let my real personality show through, people wouldn't like that either. At least if I remain a people-pleaser, I can blame my defense mechanism. But if I let my guard down and people don't like me, well then what do I do…?!

Was anyone who had been in your company today in a bad mood? Maybe slightly.

The last time you felt sick what exactly was wrong? Migraine.

What did you do today? I was at the animal shelter from around 7am-12pm. Got home, showered, had lunch, took a survey, passed the time with some trash YouTube, had a snack at some point, and went to the event mentioned above.

[alliumbunny]

Ended season 2!!! lessss gggoo!!!

Good season! lots of funny moments, has many bad parts but hey, we got ice cream kitty out of it so I'm happy(I'm secretly seething half the time but it doesn't matter rn ;3 )

I looked up where to watch the last three seasons of 2012 and turns out it's on paramount+!! Which my sister has so now all my worries of not being able to watch the last three seasons ever are gone Yippeee!!!

but uh, season 3! uh, I've gotten to I think ep9? or 10? i don't remember

I'm at the episode right after they get back to new york city, yee.

So hmm, Idk how to feel about the season currently, lots of good moments but uh, lots of bad ones too, at least to me.

i don't like how many times i've seen april kiss donnie at this point, I was fine with it beforehand because I don't see cheek kisses as romantic unless the relationship is already romantic(dating or something idk) so I was completely fine with it but then I think she kissed him on the lips in the bigfoot episode and like, hahahahahahah please stop <3 I'm very uncomfortable with that so yee.

I also don't like the Bigfoot liking donnie thing, these turtles are 15 and Bigfoot is deffo older then that and It makes me feel weird and shit :/

THAT FUCKING SPIRITUAL EPISODE SUCKS! like I love it, the outfits are!! To die for <3 <3 but omg Leo's arc in that episode fucking sucks, Don't fuckin tell me that "the pain is all in my mind" and that "It's just an excuse" DUDE!!!!!!! FUCK U!! FUCK YOU WRITERS OF THE SHOW!! I wish that episode was!! idk!! Leo learning that maybe he shouldn't FUCKING TRAIN until his knee is IDK AT LEAST 99% HEALED!! That MAYBE he shouldn't be aggravating his knee INJURY! I think that it's in character to make him want to start training before he's even 80% healed, to have him accidentally hurt his own healing process, in fact, I THINK IT'S A REALLY GOOD IDEA!! for an episode!! that episode!! it reminds me of those people who think essential oils actually fuckin work to heal all injurys, oh my stars aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. absolutely none of that makes sense probably but I needed to rant about it or i'd explode hbfudkbgjf

I hate how they did mikey in this show, I understand the focus thing but i feel like they never actually do anything about it he just "focuses" for a little bit and then doesn't have ANY character growth because of it, HE IS THE SAME, at least in the focusing. I hate how the writers said he has ADHD and then never put any effort into showing it OTHER then the focusing thing(and hyperactivity but I'm not focusing(heh) on that rn yee), at least to me. I relate to mikey alot but not in the ADHD category(Despite me having adhd) I understand that he has it, but i personally(as one person with adhd, not the entire mental illness lol) don't like how it's portrayed, it feels, idk lazy? i guess. yes he has adhd, no i don't think it's handled well by the writers. I'm just rambling the same things over and over at this point.

I don't really have any complaints with Raph... anymore. His anger issues aren't really.. an issue.. at this point. not to say he doesn't have them, I just think at this point they've done a good job at portraying him being able to control it better, It reminds me Alot of, well, me. I have anger issues and they used to be extremely bad, but I've mellowed out as i've grown up. I like that about raph, it feels like he's personally getting better, y'know... I mean, I don't think they wanted that, but y'know. I'm pretty sure they're gonna butcher that part of him in the future, but Idk rn y'know :3

I don't like him in that one episode, y'know, with the frogs. but that's mostly cause he's a fuckin jerk tbh.

Mikey gets done dirty alot in these few episode it seems, mostly... by his brothers? not to say he doesn't do anything wrong, but i don't really like how his brothers treat him in the.. uh aprils mom, episode. I think they should've trusted him more, I think the show has a big problem with not SHOWING us that Mikey has done like, dumb or annoying things, until it's a point about how 'mikey has done and said annoying and dumb things but he's right so liikkeee' LIKE His brothers don't trust him AT ALL, show writers!! i haven't been givin the impression that mikey is at all really annoying or really stupid but his brothers are playing it up like he's the dumbest mother fucker they've ever met, like bruuh

that's how I see it at the least. Alot of this is just me rambling about my thoughts on the show, alot of it is negative but I do genuinely enjoy the show, I'm just extremely critical of the things I watch. Sometimes a show that's normally pretty good, is gonna do something pretty weird or bad and i like talking about that so ya :]

either way, season three is at the least, okay, and at the best, good, i think, ya :3

[sayitaliano]

what’s the culture around disabilities and mental illnesses or disorders like in Italy? Like, socially is it acceptable or is it still taboo to talk about?

Let's say that the intentions are there, especially for physical disabilities, but we tend to hinder ourselves when it comes to put them into practice. The many architectural barriers we find around (eg. the lack in some train stations/public offices/sidewalks of working elevators and ramps) are a symbol to this, as the fact that many tend to not think about others' possible problems that much, unless you make them notice or it touches them in first person (not sure this is just our problem though).

Anyway... we lack the knowledge and understanding about mental issues, and often those suffering them are stigmatized or made neglecting their needs (it was/is uncommon, sadly, to hear people telling to someone suffering from depression, for example, to just get up and move on, cause "it's nothing/it will pass" or anything similar, as if it was laziness. We lack the knowledge that makes you go "Oh wait, maybe there's an hidden/mental/emotional important reason for this behaviour in that person, and it'd be good and right to help them find it out").

I think this partially originates from the fact that what were commonly called "manicomi" (or ospedali psichiatrici = psychiatric hospitals) in which people with different degrees of mental problems were cured or interned, were actually publicy/commonly seen as places for only crazy and dangerous people. In fact, especially many elders, cannot see (=don't really know there's) a difference between a psychiatrist, a psychologist or a therapist: generally if you need any of them, you are crazy (and even possibly dangerous) or you just have a not well-working mind and "it's scary". Again, this is because we lack the correct knowledge about mental issues and what they are about and how many different shades of them there are. And our Sanitary System doesn't help very much in this either (despite I think they were discussing a bonus for mental health not long ago? But it was just a random news, I have personally heard anything new on that).

Many schools and workplaces as well, do not even consider offering a psychological support for students and workers. You need to pay for it yourself (many renounce cause of the costs too ofc). Workers that give signs of huge distress are left at home (as far as I know, I might be wrong on this), not sure if all the companies or company's doctors may send you to a psychologist or something (again I'm not well aware of how things are now). As for schools... actually in my high school there was a small box in which to leave a letter for a psychologist but it didn't last much. I think either cause students feared being seen and judged while leaving their letter (so they rarely did that) or because it mostly felt like writing to Santa in wait for an help that we all doubted it could actually arrive (note: I'm old, so it probably was only one of the first tries ever). On the other hand, teachers and professors, even kindergarten ones that should help parents in discovering possible problems in kids, aren't formed well enough when it comes to deal with students' mental problems of every type. They have to rely on their empathy, but at times even those who may realize something tend to pretend they don't because they may fear overreactions (even abuse or more dangerous ones) from students: again something they're not prepared to deal with. One of my friends does service in a school (before/after). She followed a course on mental health but still she often messages me about not being really sure on how to deal with certain guys (and I'd say ofc, as everyone acts and reacts differently according on many different variables and those courses are not enough imo to prepare people for any type of situations... they just give you general rules, but general doesn't work for personal).

So in conclusion, there are basically no funds and even less preparation (and a little doctors/professional figures). I don't think it's taboo to talk about it, but it's just that... it's not a real problem, unless it's evident in the eyes of everyone, unless the person does somethinig "crazy" compared to society's norms (when it's indeed society the one making you develop problems in first place and stigmatizing you and isolating you -so yeah, many don't talk about it in fear of being judged as crazy and isolated maybe... so yeah in this sense it's a taboo especially for some people/in some areas, true-). And people that have mental issues are hardly helped, also cause doctors as well often do not have the correct support to do their job properly. After the pandemic I have notice people starting to talk about mental health much more often even on TV, trying to bring more awarness also about the different professional figures; I also noticed a bit more opennes in its regard, but it's again what I mentioned before: we're good or trying in theory, but when it comes to practice...

I'm leaving you a couple of articles. The first one (2020) is not for free, except for a couple of lines. The second (2019) is for free, and I think you can get the most of it despite the level of knowledge you have of Italian language (just ask if you want me to translate something)

[maryellencarter]

it is well past midnight here so i should probably not be Trusting Feelings About Things, but i was pondering why i get a major anxiety attack every time i consider commenting on a fanfic (even leia's solo fics), and i think it really boils down to the number of different fanfic interaction behaviors i've repeatedly seen viciously attacked on the tunglrs. even if a particular author explicitly tells me they'd love to get x or y type of comment/interaction, i can't seem to get past the "but it is Badwrong and makes me a toxic person" :P

like, a brief noncomprehensive list:

* "kudos without a comment means you actually hated the fic and didn't finish" -- ??? if i got to the bottom where the kudos button is, i have read what's above it and probably did not wander off looking for the brain bleach. i really can't comprehend this mindset. who goes around leaving kudos on fics they're backbuttoning out of unfinished? do i need to make a tumblr poll and find out i'm in the Incredible minority here?

* "commenting just an emoji is lazy and not a Real Comment and means you actually hated the fic and couldn't come up with anything nice to say"

* "keysmashes are offensive and babyish, Use Your Words"

* "a one-word or one-sentence comment means you're only commenting because you think you have to and you don't think the story is worth any more than that"

The only comment/interaction type I haven't seen multiple authors say they hate is the long essay comment with lots of quotes and excerpts saying exactly what I liked. And I don't have the fucking spoons to leave those on every fic, even if I had all the time in the world and it was remotely feasible on mobile.

So I don't comment.

I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of the other people who are targeted by the increasing number of "you have to comment, preferably on every chapter, or it's your fault authors stop writing" posts have the same... I'm going to call it trauma. It's fucking trauma. If you've been in fandom long enough, you've been in range of so many contradictory "all comments are good! except for Those Losers" posts that you're all too aware you may be upsetting your favorite author more by interacting Wrong than if you just read and lurk and never interact at all.

(I've literally seen people I respected complaining about how hurtful some logged-out interactions were that they didn't know were from me, because they interpreted my best low-spoons efforts as meaning I hated their work. I know we're all on the mental illness website here, but if you're going around rejecting anonymous attempts at positive interaction because you default to assuming they're insincere... well, you sure aren't encouraging people to talk to you logged-in.)

Maybe I will make a poll. Not in the middle of the night. But sometime.

[unknownperson-is-not-known]

Important

This is probably the last post/message I'll leave here. This is a copy and paste bc im too lazy.

Basically I have to leave due to health reasons and the internet there is dog water.

"What is the health reason?"

Let me drop a bit of background about me.

I can't walk. Simple as that. Why? Before that, I was surfing to forgot about everything. Y'know good ol'escapism and suddenly I cant walk. Why? Apparently, hear me out, "Because your blood can't reach your spinal cord" which is an okay theory at first but then to make my life worse, I'm the 24th(?) Person in this whole damn world to just suddenly can't walk for no reason. (In sports from water category surfing, scuba diving etc.) Yeah... Hey but I guess I can "walk" now.

At least I got into a school that many wants to be in right?

No, I dont even know how I got in. Best case? Wow im actually smart enough. 112 iq is actually a lot! (No, it's not. If anything, im average as ever. Even if they say I'm "high average". This isn't supposed to show that im better than anyone. This is supposed to show that anyone can have mental illness. Old or young, smart or not, rich or poor, you still can be depress and hopefully vice versa.) Worst case? They want "diversity." But even I doubt that.

I don't know how long I will be there, but a month is VERY minimal. If I have to guess, it's 2-4 months. And before you go "oh! It's not that bad" I've have this condition for years and when there's hope do you think that someone so desperate like me will let it go even if its a fleeting dream? This can be my only chance to run or walk again. To feel the freedom and as stu.pid as it sounds, I want to just run across the grass field with cold breeze just like how I did long ago. I just want my missing part of my childhood back.

So if you are reading this after it's post 12 hours or less, I'll probably see it and respond. Aftet that? Probably not.

Pray for me if you want to. I dont care anymore.

See you again.

[ilaiyayaya]

Don't mind me just compiling a bunch of unfinished vent drafts into a finalized product ready for purchase~

It's crazy how for the first half, even maybe like 2/3rds of 2023 I felt amazing overall, the novelty of being out of horrible, multiple years-long situation and into a, realistically just kinda average situation, felt so great that it completely carried me emotionally for nearly a year. But ever since around August/September I've kinda slowly been receding back into that same depressive state I was before, my life has stagnated once again, I've traded one set of issues for a completely different, less familiar set, and I don't have any real clear solution for any of those problems that are within reach. Don't get me wrong I'm at the very least not trying to drown myself once per week yet, but I don't think that should really be the baseline of an acceptable quality of life.

I have a job I've very quickly come to hate that's also kind of consumed my life up until very recently, where I've had enough time off to realize that I've made virtually no progress in the last year outside of merely having a job. I've lost a sizable number of friends, in part due to my coming out as trans, and partly due to just a longterm buildup of disillusionment with those around me that just finally reached a breaking point, and some of the few still left in my life I don't particularly want to keep in my life much longer either, and after going several years socially isolating myself, I don't remember how to make new friends, even though I have several avenues to very easily do so if I actually put forth the effort. I likely won't be able to make any progress transitioning for quite a long time, despite deciding now would be the best time to come out for some reason, I still live with my father, and while I've spent months searching for a place to move out to, the renting market is abysmal and most of my prior options for roommates are either no longer an option, or I'm not particularly comfortable living with them now, and despite having a job that provides pretty good insurance, I am still undiagnosed for a million different potential mental illnesses that I should really probably be medicated for because I'm both too stupid and too lazy to figure out how to switch off my parents' insurance onto my job's, and I'm too afraid of hospitals after going probably close to 10 years without going to any doctor, outside of 1 visit to the optometrist 2 years ago after my old glasses finally broke. And I don't even really have much of a reason to change insurance plans right now when with each passing week I'm more heavily considering just quitting my current job, even though I realistically don't have any better options in my area.

So yea anyways life blows I miss my old terrorist friends (dear Tumblr mods; they were not real terrorists, they were merely g*y people on the internet, please do not nuke me thank you). In good news tho someone posted a map of informed consent clinics throughout the US so now I know there's one like 2 hours away from me, and while I'm still probably too afraid to actually go inside one, and also doubt I'd be able to literally just walk in and say "1 girl medicine plz :3" with any success at all, still good to know. I am so on the verge of wasting all of my savings on HRT without the assistance of insurance all for the bit >:). Also started doing 3D modelling again so like that's fun, didn't do that for a long time but now I have both the time and motivation and now I'm gonna make 5 million Veemon models and nothing else I hope Blender Guru dies fuck that guy.

Why is it so fucking big???

[drinkjanola]

yeah so basically i'm gonna lose it soon probably. i think i'm finally ready to give up on my current "successes", like having a job and semi-functioning. i'm ready to get in contact with the crisis line, possibly end up in a mental health facility, and get better. i was diagnosed as autistic at 10. i've received little to no support over the years. the most support i have is through funding, which has given me an iphone, an ipad, an apple watch, and a pair of galaxy buds when i still had a samsung. it'll allow me to claim back certain travel expenses, and go to things like concerts to improve my quality of life. but i never received support in my education. support in learning how to unmask. i even went to a private special education school because it was the only place i could cope with. guess what? i masked the whole time. i didn't learn shit because my teacher didn't want to acknowledge that i finally understood my sensory needs a little more. she thought i was lazy but i couldn't do my school work in the classroom i was shoved into. that school, by the way, is shutting down soon because they were doing so rough financially. they may have failed me but they didn't fail a lot of their higher needs students.

so, as us autistics know, when left undiagnosed and untreated/neglected for too long, no accommodations in sight, what happens? that's right! other shit develops! i have symptoms that align with bpd now. it could just be the autistic burnout doing abnormal shit, but it's definitely in-line with how bpd can appear, and i even have childhood trauma to accompany that. there's other folks out there who end up with other cluster-b disorders, other various mental illnesses, but the fact that i was diagnosed at an early enough age to actually prevent this... and i'm ending up like everyone else that had a late diagnosis? it's so depressing. it makes me so upset. they caught it early. and i knew i had autism from the age of ten. but since i was "smart" and "performed well at school" and i was "well behaved", i never got assistance because it made me not eligible for anything like a teacher aide, like the non-verbal and high support needs student just across the class from me had all day. he got all the support he needed, which he should've, just because his disability was visible. i got ignored because i had "aspergers" and "was high functioning".

i don't remember ever having a good enough break from school, or more recently work, to where i could rest. where i could recover from my burnout. i got maybe a month and a half during summer school holidays as a kid during school. and two weeks between terms. but now that i'm working, even if it's only part time, i never take that two weeks off because i can't afford to. i don't get that month and a half off because i can't afford to. my old workplace was accommodating, but my fixed term ended at the end of february. my current workplace, with all its confusing and overwhelming bullshit, also required me to explain to my manager what autism is. she didn't even bother to google it between our first and second interview.

i'm going to work tomorrow, to cover a shift. then thursday, i'll be gathering all my necessary shit together to hopefully apply for a benefit. then, after my work week is finished, i'll have my mum call the crisis line for me, to see if i can organize going to a mental health facility before i lose my mind entirely. i can feel it getting worse, the autistic burnout i never got a chance to recover from. i've probably been experiencing the same burnout that i've never recovered from for, i'd like to say at least seven or eight years? since i was a child? it'd always just come back and bite me in the ass again after a while. summer holidays were never really enough, i need a year or two off. and i need my mental health back in order.

[letterstopedrito]

#2

Hola Pedro!

I was watching Narcos today and thinking about how I've been trying to learn spanish off and on for about 10 years now. I did really well in my two years of high school spanish, and I took 2 years in college as well. I can use present tense and say things like "I love you" and "My head hurts," but I can't have an actual conversation.

I was also thinking about how much my experience of Narcos would be improved if I was bilingual. I know enough to catch spoken phrases that don't quite match the subtitles, and I'm sure the subs match decently well to the dialogue, but it would be cool to actually understand it.

I've been trying to learn spanish and what I realized is that, despite having a natural talent for language in general, I'm too lazy to commit. It takes a lot of work to learn and maintain the knowledge of a language. I have the desire to do so, but not strongly enough to consistently put in the work. Blame it on my mental illnesses or lack of intrinsic motivation.

I also think it would be hard to learn because I have no one to speak spanish with. I live in a very white area... like seeing a person of color at the dollar store causes a double take level white area. I taught high school for a little over a year, and during that time I had a student. A refugee from El Salvador. I tried really hard to communicate with him in spanish (we had terrible ESL resources), sitting with him and explaining things in broken spanish -- all in present tense, very basic vocabulary, probably using words completely incorrectly -- but I could tell he really appreciated that someone was genuinely trying to connect with him. Idk language is beautiful like that I guess.

When I was in high school, I found out about this poet from Chile -- Pablo Neruda. I obviously couldn't read his poems in Spanish, so I read them in English. I posed this one on my facebook all the way back in 2013 (I was 14 years old) that went something like "I love you like this because I don't know any other way to love, except in this form in which I am not nor are you, so close that your hand upon my chest is mine, so close that your eyes close with my dreams." I really latched on to this poem because as a teen, you love like that. You become the other person, immerse yourself in them, lose your own sense of self... I love that poem so much I put an excerpt in my wedding vows. My now husband bought me book of Neruda poems -- spanish on the left, english on the right -- and gave it to me on our second date, the day after my 20th birthday. I think that's when I fell in love with him.

I wish I could read Neruda in Spanish. I wish I could do more than sound out the words, look up the translation on google. I want to feel the words, bone deep, like I do in English. There's always something lost in translation. I hate that feeling of missing out. And I've always had this driving desire to know things, based on a deeper-seated desperation to be the smartest person in the room (or at least among them).

I like yell "te quiero" at my husband and "Eres guapo!" and "esta muy bonito." I have a cat named Amigo. We found him outside a mexican restaurant (it's worse here than in new york) and named him after the restaurant. I love calling him Amigito, my little friend. These are my bastardized love letters to the language of Spanish. I don't know why I have this fascination or where it came from. Maybe Neruda did it to me. Maybe my desire to communicate and be understood. Shit maybe it's just because latinas/os are so goddamn sexy i don't know.

These letters are never going to make much sense to anyone but me and the fictional you that is reading them. But I need someone to understand, even if it's just in my head.

Atentamente,

G.