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animeniacss · 4 months ago

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Seoksoo - imperfect Part 1 - Chapter 13 - The Ultimatum

Synopsis: Lee Seokmin likes a lot of things: karaoke, stuffed animals, his friends, his family (when they're not at each other's throats), and when things go according to plan. It's perfect that way. That is...until Joshua Hong, the Education Department TA, stumbles into his view one day and suddenly Seokmin has to start facing the fact that maybe not everything in life will be perfect...but with Joshua, that might just be ok.

Tags: College!AU, ActingMajor!Seokmin, Teacher!Joshua, Romance, Angst, Fluff, Mutual Pining, Misunderstandings, Side GyuCheol, Side JunHao, Side Verkwan, Other Idol appearances, Anxiety/Panic Attacks, Domestic Violence (not between the main couple), Joshua is a dork 90% of the time, (More Tags will be Added as needed)

Length: approx. 5.6k words

Chapter 13 - The Ultimatum

November’s chill picked up with fervor in the coming weeks. Thick sweaters were switched out for puffer jackets and sneakers were stored in favor of insulated boots. The hope of snow was on everyone’s mind, thoughts of a white Christmas being just enough to get everyone through the grueling weeks before finals. But holidays and snow weren’t on Lee Seokmin’s mind. There were much more pressing matters to attend to.

He was hopelessly in love with the Education TA Joshua Hong, and had no idea how to go about it.

His phone vibrated, and he pulled it from his back pocket just as a string of texts from a newly formed group chat were piling in.

[Jihyo] (2mins ago): Cast announcements this Friday. Good luck guys. You both did great!

[Dahyunie] (now): Aww Unnie :’( So did youuuu.

Oh yeah. The final role calls were coming up too.

Seokmin wasn’t sure if he wanted to compliment the girls, or scold them for texting during classes. Opting for the first, his phone returned to his pocket as he made his way to the Education Department. Class had ended for him already, Junhui assuring he could meet up shortly to work on monologues, Seokmin knew there was only one place he wanted to spend his time.

Seokmin rounded the corner to Room 101A, stopping at the side door the professor used to enter the lower part of the lecture hall. His pace slowed; ears focused on what was happening through the door. It wasn’t closed all the way, so the loud voice carried and got clearer as Seokmin got closer. He felt butterflies in his stomach when it became clear who was talking.

“As future educators, our job is to not only teach, but support the students where they are at. Not all children learn at the same pace, so it’s important that we take that into account.” Seokmin peered his head in, eyeing the rows of students scribbling notes or listening intensely. Seokmin caught Seungkwan and Hansol scribbling notes, occasionally glancing at one another. Even from where Seokmin was standing, he saw Seungkwan’s cheeks tint red when Hansol pressed his pencil against the other’s paper, leaning close to whisper something to him. Curious eyes poked back to the front of the room, and he fully took in the sight before him.

Joshua was in a pair of the dark slacks that they had bought at the mall. Tucked inside of the waistband was a simple white button up that was rolled at the sleeves. A black blazer was draped over the office chair beside him. The butterflies in Seokmin’s stomach flapped their wings rapidly as he watched Joshua continue his discussion. He barely understood the educational lingo or references when Seungkwan or Mingyu were explaining them. However, as Joshua spoke about ‘tiered support systems’ and ‘differentiation’, it all made complete sense to him.

“So, if we turn our attention to page 145.” Joshua leaned forward, clicking to the next slide on his computer, the screen overhead changing immediately. Students followed, listening as Joshua continued his lecture. When he stood up again, a hand ran through his hair, but it didn’t stop him from talking, eyes darting across the large lecture hall to make sure he hit every student’s eyes.

The lecture continued another few minutes, before the class was required to work on the scenario examples from their textbooks. Seungkwan immediately turned to Hansol, both grinning as they began working on the assignment. Joshua was rattling off a few directions, but Seokmin had long stopped listening the second Joshua slipped his hands in his pockets; relaxed in his stance. The rest of the world was like white noise to him. Joshua was speaking with the professor for a moment, who smiled behind his glasses as they chatted. Finally, Joshua turned back around, and his eyes landed on Seokmin.

For a second, he felt as if he had been caught trespassing somewhere he shouldn’t be. Seokmin offered a shy wave from the door, and Joshua broke into a grin. He turned back to the class, studying them for a second before heading over to the door.

“Sorry, am I interrupting?” Joshua shook his head.

“Not at all.” He spoke. “You’re not in class?”

Seokmin studied Joshua’s expression for a second. He looked even more perfect up close even with a hard look of exhaustion in his big eyes. He simply smiled, and Seokmin felt his body tingle. “It ended already. I had a bit of a break and I wanted to see you.” Seokmin paused for a second when Joshua’s grin widened. “Your discussion. I wanted to see your discussion.” Joshua snickered a bit. “It was really good! I don’t understand everything you were saying, but you looked really-.” Joshua’s eyes sparkled as Seokmin began his sentence. The expression made Seokmin’s heart skip a bit, coughing into his hand as he finished. “Really good.”

“Aww, you think?” he leaned against the wall, hands still in his pockets. “Thank you.” He glanced down at his watch. “What are you doing the rest of the afternoon?”

“I’m working on my monologue.”

“Any luck coming up with an idea?”

“No.” Seokmin sighed. “I was thinking of doing one about being an understudy when I wanted to be the lead last year, but I don’t know if it’ll come across as profound or pathetic.” Joshua laughed a bit.

“I think you’ll figure it out.” His reassurance made Seokmin’s body feel warm. “Listen, I have to get back in there and finish up.”

“Oh, right. Sorry.” Seokmin said sheepishly. “Uhm, maybe…” Seokmin paused. “If you want….do you want to….”

When Seokmin saw Joshua’s face curl into an almost sad smile, Seokmin’s request died down. “I have a lot to finish this afternoon for my last set of discussions. Then, I’m hoping to get a head start on studying for finals. I don’t think I’ll be around much.”

“Already?”

Joshua shrugged. “I haven’t stayed top of my graduating class just by being handsome, you know.” He chuckled. Seokmin smiled a bit. “I’ll text you soon, okay? We can try to hang out before Study Week starts.”

“Okay.”

“Thanks for coming to see me. I think it’ll get me through the rest of class.” Seokmin’s cheeks turned hot and he looked down at his feet with an amused smile. “See you later, Seokmin.” With a wave of his hand, Seokmin watched as Joshua headed back into the room. Almost immediately, someone called out to him for help, and he made his way deeper into the lecture hall. Seokmin lingered for a few extra minutes, before heading down the hall and out of the Educational Department. When the chilly air hit his body, he fixed his coat a bit and headed across campus.

He needed to tell Joshua how he felt…Oh yeah, and he had to work on his monologue. That was important, too.

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“Wait, I’m confused.” Mingyu leaned back against the arm Seungcheol had draped over his shoulder. “What exactly is your problem here?”

Seokmin looked down at the textbooks sprawled out on Mingyu’s coffee table, beside a half-finished bowl of ramen. It was later in the evening when Seokmin joined his favorite couple for dinner while Seungkwan was out with Hansol so he didn’t have to eat alone. “I want to tell Joshua-Hyung how I feel. But I don’t know if I should.”

“Why not?” Seungcheol tilted his head on Mingyu’s shoulder as he looked down at the younger male on his living room floor. “Don’t you like him?”

“Yeah.” Seokmin pulled the bowl to his lips, slurping up another bite of his ramen. “I don’t know how to go about it. I’ve only ever been in one other relationship.” Seokmin saw Mingyu grimace at the memory of Seokmin’s first and only boyfriend back in the 12th grade. “Don’t make that face.”

“He was a jerk.”

“I know, but I’m over it.” Mingyu sighed as Seungcheol’s hand rubbed his shoulder in an attempt to comfort him. “I don’t want to make a fool of myself.”

“I highly doubt that.” Seungcheol grinned.

“But what if he doesn’t like me?” Mingyu and Seungcheol shared wide eyes and slacked jaws. Seokmin tilted his head. “What?”

“Min.” Mingyu began. “Joshua-Hyung and you have been on what? Three dates?” Seokmin nodded. “And Seungkwan told me he saw you two at a party an inch away from making out.” He leaned forward, resting his elbows in his hands. “Either he’s a big playboy, or he is head over heels in love with you.”

“I’m going with the last option.” Seungcheol called. Seokmin shook his head.

“No, I know that.” He said. “I’m saying that if he doesn’t want a relationship. What if he just wants to like…I dunno…” He went quiet as he pondered how to finish the sentence. “Just have no labels, or just be friends with benefits or something?”

“If he only wanted sex from you, he probably would’ve made a move when he came over your house the first time.” Seokmin looked down at his bowl of ramen one more time, circling the chopsticks around the leftover noodles. “Min, you shouldn’t think that he only wants you for sex. He’s a nice guy. If you like him, you should tell him.”

“I can’t stop thinking he won’t feel the same. I’m scared I’ll make a huge fool of myself and ruin everything. I don’t want things to be weird between us.”

“I really don’t think that’ll happen.” Mingyu assured.

“You won’t know if you don’t try.” Seungcheol encouraged. “And if he breaks your heart, I’ll kill him.”

“No, you won’t Cheol.” Mingyu patted his boyfriend’s knee, the older one pouting as he put his drink to his lips.

“Okay…” Seokmin shifted in his seat. “Then how do I do it? Jungwoo asked me out in high school. I have no other experience.”

“I wouldn’t even count it as asking you out.” Mingyu rolled his eyes.

Seokmin pursed his lips together. “But you know what I mean….”

Mingyu hummed. “When’s the next date? Have you set one up yet?”

“I have no idea. He’s already preparing to study for finals. I don’t want to bother him when he’s so busy.”

“Already? Isn’t Study Week in like the middle of December?” Seungcheol asked.

Mingyu got up from his seat taking the empty bowls and cups from the table as he headed to the kitchen. “Don’t remind me.” He begged. “If I have to write one more lesson plan, I really will reconsider the whole stripper thing.”

Seokmin smiled when Seungcheol’s eyes widened, head whipping around on the couch. His eyes drilled horrified holes into Mingyu’s broad back. “Gyu, you’re still on about that? I thought that was a joke!”

Mingyu’s shoulder shook with laughter, head tilting to the side. “You’re the one who told me I have a great body.”

“Doesn’t mean I want you to show other people!” Seokmin immediately caught Seungcheol grin behind his yells, and his shoulders relaxed.

“Seokmin’s seen me naked for years.”

“And that’s my cue to leave.” Seokmin scrambled for his textbooks, shoving them in his bag just as Seungcheol shot him a death stare.

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Joshua wasn’t on campus on Tuesday. Or Wednesday. His phone was silenced, the little moon notification under his messages hitting Seokmin like a punch to the gut each time he opened them up. It was Thursday. Jihoon and Soonyoung would be posting the final cast of XCalibur the next day, but Seokmin’s mind was only on Joshua.

Is he sick? Should I go to his apartment and check on him? No…we’re not in that kind of relationship. It would be weird for me to just show up out of nowhere. And he told me he would be busy, so I should just-.

“Seokmin.” His name behind whispered made him sit up right, eyes shooting to the front of the room. The professor was looking at him, hand resting impatiently on the desk. When he turned his head, Junhui leaned over from his seat, eyeing him behind his glasses.

Seokmin felt his entire body go cold, as if he were dipped into a bucket of ice water and pulled out again. “Yes?” He said.

“I asked if you’d share the progress on your monologue. Your first draft is due next week.”

“Right.” Seokmin flipped through his textbook, cheeks burning as he swallowed a growing lump in his throat. When he lifted his head back up, he motioned to the scribbled draft he had done the night before. “I have my concept down, I’m just working on how to best express the….” His eyes were burning and he blinked a few times. “Sorry. The emotion of the work.”

The professor nodded his head. “Care to share what your topic is about?”

Seokmin took a deep breath. “Uh, it’s….” he glanced at Junhui, who offered a subtle nod of his head. “I’m thinking of expressing my feelings when I don’t get the lead role in a production. But I’m still toying with it, so….”

“Mhm…Alright then.” The professor scribbled a few notes, and then turned to the other side of the room, calling on Choi San. His head shot up from his own paper, not missing a beat as he began to talk about his own monologue, completely unphased by being caught off guard. Seokmin sank down in his seat, covering his head in his hand as he waited for this class to come to an end. The longest 35 minutes of his life.

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Making his way into the library, Seokmin sank down into the first available seat he could find. His education friends had one more class, and Junhui was helping Minghao with some preparation for the play sets, leaving Seokmin alone. Which was fine. It was quiet.

Seokmin pressed the tip of his pencil against the paper, staring down at the half-completed monologue he had written down. He wrote a few words, then erased. Wrote a few words. Erased. It was a vicious cycle, thoughts swimming helplessly in his head. Five minutes later, he felt sea sick.

Should I text Joshua and see how he’s doing?

No. I don’t want to bother him.

Pushing both his monologue and thoughts aside, next was his Performance History assignment. A three-page paper about a famous actor of the modern era. Seokmin chose Lee Minho, the man that provided him with his gay awakening when he led the F4 in the 2009 Boys Over Flowers drama. Seokmin debated on presenting photo evidence of his signed copy of the complete drama DVD, but he decided against it. His eyes studied the computer as he began typing his mini biography on the actor's life. However, it only distracted him until the middle of page two, and his mind began racing again.

Should I just come out and tell him? Honesty is the best policy and all that. A sigh. No. What if I fumble or look desperate? When Seokmin realized he was typing out his thoughts, he frantically went to erase them.

Onto the next assignment, pushing yet another half-finished one to the side along with the rest of his thoughts. He dug through his bookbag for his Script Analysis textbook. Should I be creative? Make a big production? Would he like that? Or will I look like the biggest idiot this side of Korea?

Defeated, Seokmin lowered his head on the table, groaning to himself. Why did this have to be so hard? Why wasn’t Joshua texting him? Or posting on socials? Why wasn’t Joshua coming to class?

Why couldn’t Joshua just make the first move? Did he not want to?

“Seokmin.” A high-pitched voice behind Seokmin chimed. He looked over his shoulder to see Nayeon, grinning down at him. Looped through either of her arms were two of her friends, names he could barely recall due to their limited interactions. He had to wrack his brain for a second to get it. One had Oreo-colored short hair. Jeongyeon. The other had flowing caramel brown hair. Sana. Bingo. The three of them looked like a powerhouse of women, it almost intimidated him. “Hey.”

“Hey.”

“I haven’t seen you around the apartment recently.” Seokmin shrugged.

“Joshua said he’s been busy. I didn’t want to bother.” Nayeon rolled her eyes.

“He can be so dramatic. He hasn’t left his room in like three days. Jeonghan told me.”

Seokmin felt his breath hitch in his throat. “Really?” Nayeon nodded. “Is he sick?”

“I don’t know.” She sounded almost apologetic. “He might be. He overdoes it when exam time comes. He’s been that way as long as I’ve known him.” Seokmin looked down at his phone, still dark with no messages. “You should message him. Even if he’s busy, I’m sure he’d like to hear from you.” She smiled. “I’ll tell him you’re looking for him, too. Okay?”

“Okay. Thanks, Noona.” He waved the trio off as they headed deeper into the library. As he turned back to the table, his eyes settled on the scattered mess before him. He couldn’t begin to imagine what Joshua was doing alone in his room, cooped up for days with the same sight of scattered textbooks and assignments overwhelming his eyesight. It made Seokmin want to throw up. He reached for his phone and opened up Joshua’s messages. Still nothing, dry as a bone for almost five days.

[Seokmin] (now): I hope studying is going well. Don’t overwork, okay? Make sure to eat and get sunlight. Lots of rest, too! Finals are still some time away, so take time for yourself. He paused, before continuing to type. We should hang out before Study Week. I’d love to make bracelets again. Does that sound ok with you?

Anyway, fighting! Talk soon.

Seokmin pressed send on his messages, biting his lip. He stared at them for what felt like hours. People were passing to and from the library doors, and the moon was already making its way high in the sky before he got up and headed home for dinner.

No response. Seokmin pulled up the messages again, met with the blue moon and the note ‘Joshua has his phone silenced’.

[Seokmin] (now): I want to tell you how I feel and I’m scared of how you’ll react. I want to hang out soon. Please text me back.

He stopped walking for a moment, before his thumb pressed the backspace button and wiped that message from existence. He exhaled, watching his breath billow in the brisk November air around him.

Seokmin was going to need more help figuring out how to handle this.

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Seokmin’s phone began to ring just as he got out of the shower. Tugging the towel off his head, he tossed it to the side and plopped down on his bed. A photo of him and his mother the last time he visited home flashed on the screen, a candid selfie with Seokmin’s face in the forefront while his mother only offered a side eye when she noticed the phone. He quickly answered.

“Mom, hey.” He hummed. “What’s wrong?”

A deep sigh came from the other end and Seokmin’s stomach twisted into knots. “Your aunt called your sister.”

“Oh?”

“She managed to get Eunkyung home. How she did it, I have no idea. Your Aunt always had a special way of getting through to her. Maybe they’re both alike.”

Look who’s talking. “That’s great. Is she home?”

“Well, she said she’ll be home tomorrow after school. Let’s see how it goes. I just wanted to let you know.” Seokmin sighed. He could tell the situation was nowhere near resolved, a pot of boiling water with the burner set to simmer. It wouldn’t cause a problem now, but eventually the water would bubble up again and spill over; causing a painful mess. “How have you been? Final calls are Friday, you said? Are you nervous?”

“Uh, yeah. A bit.”

“How’s your friend? Joshua Hong?” The mention of his name made Seokmin want to start crying. He bit his lip, the long hesitation making his mother pipe up. “Seokmin? Hello?”

“I’m here.” He choked out. He told his mom everything. He told his mom everything because she told him everything. All his life, that’s how it was. “I haven’t heard from him….and he hasn’t been at school.”

Mom clicked her tongue. “Why?”

“He said finals. They’re coming up, but he said he’s getting a head start on them. And his phone’s been on silent for the entire week.”

“Huh. Typical. Men always have some sort of fucking excuse.” Seokmin sighed. “Except you. You’re the one good man in this world. And that’s because I raised you.” He heard rustling on the other end -most likely kitchen cabinets - before his mom continued to speak. “Your father was the exact same way. He always had an excuse. Couldn’t come to your performances. Couldn’t take Eunkyung to the doctor because of something. And you know where he was? Take a guess.”

Seokmin didn’t have to. “Exactly. The bar.” His mom said into the silence. Seokmin felt his eyes water as he looked over to his bookshelf where his little deer plush was sitting, nestled next to all of the other ones. “Honey, we’re the same type of person when it comes to love. We fall for people who look like they have it all, but in the end, they prove to have nothing. If this Joshua kid thinks you’re stupid enough to fall for his ‘finals’ excuse, then he’s not worth your time. And don’t make excuses for him, either. Okay? Don’t let him walk all over you…”

“O-okay…” Seokmin choked out.

“I’m sorry, honey. Love is hard. You’ll find the right one.” A pause. “Your aunt is calling again. I’ll let you go. Call me when you get your results for the play.”

“Night.” Seokmin said. He listened to his mother hang up the phone and set his own down. He didn’t even ask about how to go about confessing his feelings, and after that, he didn’t think he wanted to. He took a deep breath, opening his messages. Two from Mingyu. One from his Aunt. One spam message offering him a great deal when he uses their link. Nothing from Joshua.

“Hyung.” Seokmin looked up as the door opened, Seungkwan poking his head in. “I’m about to go out with Seunghee and Wooseok. Will you be okay?” His voice trailed off when he got a good look at Seokmin’s face. “What’s wrong?”

He frantically wiped his eyes. “Nothing. I’m fine.” He said. “Go and have fun. Don’t be out too long. Okay?” Seungkwan frowned, making his way inside and sitting on the bedside. He crossed his arms.

“Be serious. I can tell you’re upset about something.” Seokmin shook his head.

“Really. It’s not a big deal, I'll probably just sleep it off and be fine.” Seokmin read his friend’s expression, eyebrow arched in disbelief. He responded by nudging the younger. “Go on. Go on. Don’t keep your friends waiting. Is Hansol busy today? Did Wonwoo snatch him up?”

“Hah! He wishes!” Seungkwan grinned confidently. Seokmin smiled, watching as the younger rose from the bed. “Hansol’s got work. You sure you’ll be ok?”

“Nothing a good book and a melatonin won’t fix.” Seungkwan was motioned out the door. “See you tonight~.” He watched Seungkwan head down the hall. As the door locked behind him, Seokmin sank onto the couch, covering his face. He took a deep breath, falling to his side. “What do I do?” he muttered to himself.

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Joshua wasn’t on campus Thursday, either. Regardless, Seokmin had no idea how to confess his feelings to the older. Not to mention final roles were being announced the next day. The first draft of Seokmin’s monologue was due by the middle of the next week. He still had no idea what to write for it, a few crummy lines and overly dramatic synonyms for ‘jealous’ scribbled in his notebook.

His head was swimming with thoughts once again, so when Junhui suggested getting together in the quad to work on assignments, he practically jumped out of his seat. The crew got together, nestled in groups of three. Seokmin rested against Junhui, thumbing through his monologue draft. Across from them, Minghao was quietly drafting up some set designs for the play, occasionally snapping photos to send to his art club group chat. Mingyu, Hansol, and Seungkwan were chatting about their recent assignment to create a math activity for their grade of choice. The way Seungkwan described it sounded much easier than it seemed, and Mingyu began on his “I’m quitting to be a stripper” agenda which sent Hansol into a fit of laughter.

“I need a break.” Seokmin closed his book, sticking it into his bag. Junhui peered over as Seokmin pulled out a book, flipping through the pages until he got to his bookmark.

“I need one too.” Tossing his book to the side, Junhui leaned away from Seokmin. He grinned a bit when Seokmin toppled over, only scooting closer to Minghao. The youngest of the trio peered up from his sketchbook, eyebrow arched.

“Can I help you?” he asked. Junhui shook his head.

“No.” he said. “I just said I needed a break.” Junhui rested his head on Minghao’s shoulder, peering down at the sketchbook in his hand. “Can I help?”

“Heh, no.” Seokmin sat up, watching as despite Minghao’s protest, he still listened to Junhui’s suggestions. Seokmin noticed the fondness in his eyes when they fell on Junhui. He noticed the snicker that escaped his lips. “That’s never going to work.”

“Well not with that attitude.”

Hoping to distract from the pain in his chest, Seokmin sat upright and looked down at his book, beginning to read while the others worked around him. He leafed through the pages of his romance novel, the crucial scene midway where the main love interests were trying to navigate how to express their feelings. Ironic.

Seokmin skimmed as the male lead contemplated his options. A big gesture? Too much. A letter? Too impersonal. Having a friend relay the message? What was this, fifth grade? Seokmin wanted to see how the male lead succeeded, hoping it would encourage him to do the same.

If he’s going to make excuses then forget him!

If this Joshua kid thinks you’re stupid enough to fall for his finals crap, then he doesn’t deserve you.

“Do you think Joshua-Hyung is lying?” He blinked, taking a moment to register the words leaving his mouth. When he lifted his head, Minghao and Junhui were looking up at him, Minghao’s pencil frozen on the sketchbook.

“Why do you say that?” he asked. Seokmin paused.

“…Who studies so intensely for finals this early in the semester? I mean, it’s not early, but…it’s only the middle of November. Most people don’t worry about it until the first week in December at least.”

“Lots of people do.” Junhui said.

“Yeah, but he hasn’t been at school either. Nayeon-Noona said he’s not sick.” Seokmin set the open book on his lip, eyebrows scrunched. “Is he avoiding me? Do you think I did something to upset him?”

“I doubt it.” Minghao said. “Based on what I’ve heard, he’s crazy about you.”

“That’s what everyone says.” Seokmin said. “And I want it to be true, but…” Seokmin’s voice faded.

“You don’t want to be made a fool. We know.” Junhui replied with a hum of recognition. “I don’t think that will happen.”

Seokmin looked up. “I’ve wracked my entire brain with ways to tell him. But every idea seems so ridiculous.”

“Maybe you should just tell him.” Minghao grinned a bit. Seokmin blinked, his confused expression making the younger snort.. “Seokmin, you should just go up to him and say ‘I like you’.”

Seokmin chuckled. “You make it sound so easy….” His phone vibrated, and he pulled it out to see a social media post from the school’s musical theatre Instagram. It showed Soonyoung in the foreground, grinning into the selfie as he pointed as Jihoon, an unamused look on his face. He held a piece of paper in his hand.

Role call! Announcement posted on the auditorium doors tomorrow at 3 p.m.! Be there or be square!

Seokmin watched as his phone began flooding with texts from Jihyo and Dahyun about the time, asking if Seokmin wanted to join them to look at the announcements together. ‘Strength in numbers’ Dahyun said. He quickly replied with eager agreement. A hand extended to Junhui, and he leaned forward to look at the post as well.

“Well, now I’m going to be thinking about it until 2:59, aren’t I?” Seokmin studied the post for a minute longer, as if there were some hidden meaning he just wasn’t getting.

OK. Now I need to find a way to keep my mind from exploding for the next 24 hours. Seokmin set the phone on his lap again, eyeing the opened pages in his novel. I could think about all the other crap going on in my life. How my family is about to fall apart at the seams….

How I still have no solid draft for my final monologue…

How I’m so much of a chicken to tell Joshua how I feel…

How this book is due by tomorrow and I’m barely half-way through….

How…

Like fitting a long-lost puzzle piece into its spot, something in Seokmin’s head finally clicked. He looked down at the half-finished book, finger pressed in between the pages to keep him in his place.

Maybe your life is turning into one of your romance books.

Seungkwan’s teasing weeks prior crashed into his brain like a tidal wave, but his eyes sparkled like two lighthouses ready to guide the lost ships to shore.

“I know what to do.” He gasped. Minghao and Junhui waited patiently for his answer. “I need a push. I can’t just go out and do it.”

“I’ll push the both of you into a closet until you do it.” Junhui grinned when Minghao nudged him.

The joke didn’t even make Seokmin flinch. “I’ll tell him if I get the lead in the play tomorrow.”

Minghao tilted his head. “What made you think up that one?”

The lighthouse lights in his eyes dimmed with clouds of uncertainty. “Is it stupid?”

“No. I just want to know the thought process.” Minghao assured, Junhui nodding in agreement.

The evidence was in his book, holding up the pages littered with declarations of love he hoped to recreate himself. “That’s how it happens in stories!” Seokmin tossed up his book, the object landing in front of him with a loud clunk. “The lead takes a major life achievement as a sign to finally confess their feelings. Everything progresses! You know?!”

Minghao and Junhui shared a glance. Immediately, Junhui looked over at the other trio. “Guys.” He called.

Three sets of eyes landed on the beaming brunette, and he tensed. “Oh, no.” Seokmin fell onto his back when the others.

“Should Seokmin confess his feelings to Joshua-Hyung if he gets the lead role tomorrow?” Minghao asked.

“Why?” Hansol asked.

“Everything progresses, or whatever he just said.”

“It’s in the books.” Seokmin whined behind his hands.

“I think that’s really romantic.” Seungkwan said. Mingyu nodded. Seokmin sat up, eyes sparkling. “Kind of stupid too. But in a romantic way.” He grinned when Seokmin sat up, the lighthouses behind his eyes ramped up to a thousand.

“Kwannie, I knew I could count on you!” Seokmin gasped, tugging the younger into a tight hug. Seungkwan chuckled, patting Seokmin’s arm in support.

Running a hand through his hair, Mingyu exclaimed: “Now, you just need to actually see the guy so you can confess. And when the hell will he be back on campus?” Seokmin paused, pursing his lips together.

“…I’ll just have to go to his house.” He said simply. “I want this to work. I need to be proactive.”

I want to be proactive. I need this to work.

⚔🦌⚔🦌⚔🦌⚔🦌⚔(im)perfect🦌⚔🦌⚔🦌⚔🦌⚔🦌

Later that evening, Seokmin was telling everyone he knew of his fool-proof plans. Half a block over, Jeonghan was staring at Joshua’s closed door, the same one he had seen for the past 3 days. He could hear muffled typing on a keyboard.

A knock. “Joshuji…” No answer.

Another knock. “Joshua.” No answer.

One final knock. Still nothing. “Joshua Hong!”

A hard slam was heard on the other end that made Jeonghan jump. “What Jeonghan?!”

Silence for a moment as the sound faded into the walls. “I'm headed to bed. Gotta work early tomorrow. Need me for any-?”

“No.”

Jeonghan put his hands in his pockets. “Alright. Get some sleep tonight, okay?” He bit his lip. He turned his head, but paused for a second. “Also, Seokmin was worried about you. Don’t be selfish and keep him waiting anymore, okay?”

Joshua leaned back in his chair as footsteps puttered from his door. He sighed, leaning over and checking his alarm clock. 2:15 a.m. Looking down at the half-finished PowerPoint for his practicum lesson, he clicked off to show the one for his next discussion.

Downing another cup of coffee, Joshua ran a hand in his hair.

He still had to make a discussion reflection sheet.

Joshua popped two painkillers down his throat when the front of his skull began pounding.

Not to mention, he had to get a head start on his finals.

Another cup of coffee was already brewing.

I haven’t stayed top of my graduating year by my good looks alone.

Joshua kind of wished it was that easy.

By 3 in the morning, tired fingers glided on his eyes. The four seconds they were closed was enough time for him to perk up and keep going. He had made it through the night with less.

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chionesosofrio · 11 years ago

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After my last show #ohwhatalovelywar #actingmajor #Adelphi2017

#actingmajor #adelphi2017 #ohwhatalovelywar

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hdpmegainu-blog · 7 years ago

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#돌아가고싶다 #이때로 #추억 #memories #대졸 #졸업 #대학졸업 #longtimeago #tantotempofa #서울예대 #연기과 #서울예대연기과 #서울예술대학교 #그립다 #actingmajor #acting 신체적인걸 떠나서, 이때 내 모습, 내가 인생의@대한 고민했던 시기가 매우 그립다...🤔😔😩 앞만 바라보면서 “연습 다이어트 운동 그리고 살기 위한 일”을 끊임없이 했던 내가...이젠 직장 생활 하면서 “일 손님 항공기 술 진상 이레 등등”으로 살고 있지요... 사람들이 나보고 후회 하지 않��고 물어봤을때 “지금도 좋아요”��고 하지만...몸과 마음은 근질근질 하다.............. 🕺🏻🏃🏻‍♂️🎤 하지만 이젠 나이가 나이인지라 체력이 딸린다...🤷🏻‍♂️ 이젠 배만 나와야지 뭐...🤦🏻‍♂️

#actingmajor #서울예대연기과 #대졸 #대학졸업 #그립다 #이때로 #연기과 #돌아가고싶다 #longtimeago #서울예술대학교 #서울예대 #acting #추억 #졸업 #tantotempofa #memories

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savvannuhh · 12 years ago

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GUESS WHO GOT ACCEPTED TO COLLEGE?

#universityofnortherncolorado #actingmajor #UNC #BEARS

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vforvirginia · 12 years ago

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#theweeknd #homework #senior #senioritis #college #donotwant #theatre #theatremajor #acting #actingmajor #bfa #bachelors #graduation #soon #sos

#bfa #theatremajor #sos #theatre #actingmajor #bachelors #donotwant #graduation #soon #theweeknd #college #acting #senioritis #senior #homework

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animeniacss · 3 months ago

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Seoksoo - imperfect Part 1 - Chapter 17 - Overthinking

Length: approx. 5.2k words

Chapter 17 - Overthinking

Joshua was discharged from the hospital in the middle of the following week, much to his impatient relief. Seokmin wasn’t able to be with him when he got home since he had the musical’s first table read that same day, but Jeonghan sent him a photo of Joshua lying on the couch, a blanket tossed over him as he watched TV. Seokmin debated if he wanted to save the photo into his phone because he looked really cute and comfortable, a version of Joshua that he realized he was loving more with each passing day.

Nobody who knew the details about what had happened was shocked when Joshua showed up to school the day after being discharged – other than Seokmin. The younger spotted the Teaching Assistant, grabbing a coffee and crossing the quad as he headed into the Education Building. Seokmin debated going to say hello, but when Joshua was greeted by another student and pulled into conversation, Seokmin simply stayed back and watched them disappear from view.

In class, Seokmin found it difficult to focus. Junhui and another boy were in a debate about something - Seokmin honestly had no idea what - but he nodded along. Anyone who was listening would probably barely even consider this a debate, but instead Junhui playing devil’s advocate and getting under the other students' skin. Seokmin caught the playful grin on the older’s face as he fixed the glasses. When the other male shot up from his seat and shouted, Seokmin flinched back to attention. Wide eyes fell to Junhui, who only offered a playful pout at their classmate.

“I didn’t say anything of the sort, you know~.” Junhui cooed. It took Seokmin a second, eyes bouncing between the duo before he realized they were in the middle of an improv scene, Junhui’s goal to be egging on the other. It seemed to be working.

Junhui was just as witty as he is weird. A beautiful face with a playfully, sassy mouth attached It was a wonder how Minghao put up with him so easily.

A nudge from his left and Seokmin saw San sitting there, an amused grin on his face. The duo sat beside one another at the first table read, and despite being in the same class all semester, had yet to have a full conversation until then. San complimented Seokmin and Jihyo’s chemistry, and Seokmin still felt the compliment sitting in his stomach a whole day later, making him feel proud each time he thought about it.

When class ended and Junhui wasn’t able to walk with Seokmin, San was always there to join instead. “I can’t wait for dress rehearsals.” San admitted, arms stretched over his head. “I’m excited to wear the medieval-era clothes. We’re going to look so dashing, Seokmin!” He was practically beaming.

“We did one table read and you’re already thinking of dress rehearsals?” Seokmin’s brain malfunctioned if he tried to think of going off book, much less anything past that. San’s reply was a cocky grin.

“One table read becomes two, then three. Then, we’re on stage trying to go off book. Before you know it, it’s spring time and we have dress rehearsals. Then, it’s showtime!” Hearing San rattle off the schedule for the following 6 months made his stomach do flips, but he simply nodded along.

“You’re very excited.” Was all he could get out of his mouth. San only continued to smile.

“My friend is head of the department, so he’s been showing me some of the designs already. I can’t help but be excited about it; his designs are good.” San scanned the photos on his phone, passing it over to Seokmin. “Look. He sent my friends and I some sketches.”

The sketches made Seokmin’s eyes widen in amazement. “Wow! That’s really impressive! How did he manage to sketch those already?” Hearing compliments given to his friend seemed to fill San with the same level of pride, as if he had made them himself. Seokmin pointed to the little Post-It notes seen in the frame of little cat and flower doodles, the words ‘Seonghwa <3’ written under a little message. “What are those?”

San chuckled. “Seonghwa-hyung. He loves to write little encouraging notes to us when we are working on different things. He did it for me when I was rehearsing my lines for the musical. I’d find the sticky notes hidden in the pages of my script with little doodles of Hello Kitty on them.” The duo crossed the quad before San finally departed, waving Seokmin off with the promise to see each other in their other class later that week. Now alone, Seokmin headed to the student union, hoping for a chance to rest before his afternoon classes began.

The area wasn’t packed yet, thank God. Seokmin nestled himself into one of the unoccupied couches. The only people in the area were those trying to get a head start on some work for the day, or to kill time before a call or meeting . He could hear the sound of the cafeteria across the hall getting setting up their lunch specials before the afternoon rush; the clattering of pots and pans echoing through the building. In hopes to drown out the sound, he stuck his headphones in his ears and turned on Spotify. He looked through different playlists, trying to find one that suited a casual listening mood. All of his music was organized so meticulously, some said was on the verge of obsessive. Specifically, Eunkyung said it was ‘borderline psychotic’. But the little gremlin has 600 songs jumbled together on her Spotify likes, so what does she know? As the first song began to play, Seokmin let his truly body relax for the first time since he had gotten the lead in the play.

Seokmin heard muffled sounds of students coming into the building and making a beeline for the cafeteria just as the clock struck noon. The influx of noise threatening to drown out his music made the hairs on his arms stand up. He turned his head, watching as the cafeteria filled with hungry, loud students. He took a deep breath, turning his attention to his phone in hopes to keep him distracted. Eunkyung had sent him a string of Snapchats around her college campus; meals, homework, even one of her smiling with a group of friends. Seeing her happy made Seokmin feel happy too. He hadn’t spoken much to her since the fight with their mother, but it was nice to know she still had a smile on her face. Pulling his own camera up, Seokmin snapped a few pictures of the building he was in, and a photo of the view outside one of the windows. The simple action seemed to calm him just a bit, for the moment. When he turned the camera towards himself to take a selfie, however, his cute smile immediately devolved into a shriek of terror when Joshua poked his head in behind him out of nowhere.

“Oh my God!” Seokmin’s head whipped around, eyes wide as he stared up at the grinning brunette. “You scared me!”

“I’m sorry.” Joshua said behind an amused laugh. “I couldn’t help myself.” He leaned forward, putting his hand in Seokmin’s hair and leaning forward, elbows on the back of the couch. “Are you okay?”

Seokmin pouted, but ultimately nodded. “Yeah.” Joshua nodded, pulling his hand back. “What are you doing here? Don’t you have class?”

“I have a few minutes, so I was going to grab some lunch.” He pointed in the direction of the cafeteria. “I forgot to eat breakfast this morning.” Seokmin’s pout only deepened, and now Joshua was not smiling. “What?”

“Hyung…”

“I had a granola bar in my bag!”

“That doesn’t matter!” Seokmin rose from the couch and collected his belongings. When he approached Joshua’s side, the older simply motioned him towards the cafeteria. “You need to eat…”

“I promise, I’ll eat a big lunch.” Seokmin didn’t look convinced as the duo hopped into line. While they waited their turn, Seokmin’s eyes raised to examine Joshua’s forehead. The bandages were no longer there, but there was a hint of a bruised, healing welt still present. The bags under his eyes seemed to have disappeared slightly, but he could still see the remnants of them under those big doe eyes.

“How’s your head?” he asked curiously. Joshua looked at him. He was silent for a second, almost as if he was processing what was being asked of him.

“What?” he asked curiously, the corners of his lips turning up a bit. For a second, Seokmin wondered if Joshua was still suffering the effects of his concussion, but he caught the devilish glint in his eyes. He simply stepped closer, leaning forward.

“Your head. How’s your head?”

Joshua’s eyes dipped down to Seokmin’s lips so quickly Seokmin barely caught it when he was blinking. He finally responded with a coy: “Haven’t had any complaints so far. Dare I say, it’s life changing. Why?” Seokmin was silent for a minute, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. He leaned forward, almost as if he didn’t hear Joshua correctly. The older only chuckled. Wait…is he talking about…? It took a couple seconds, but something finally clicked in his brain, and Seokmin’s eyes grew to the size of baseballs, cheeks burning within seconds.

“Hyung!” He shoved the older, who immediately fell into a fit of laughter.

“I’m sorry!” He said behind his laugh behind his hand. It was a laugh that pierced Seokmin’s heart, despite how flustered he was in the moment.

“Why would you say that in public?!” Seokmin covered his mouth.

“My friend and I used to say that all the time to one another in high school.” He said.

“Why?!”

“Well, theres a celebrity that used to say it. But I only heard it used on a show we used to watch, still watch actually.” Seokmin still looked mortified, and when he looked down at his feet in embarrassment, Joshua’s laugh finally subsided. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” His voice was softer this time. He stepped closer to Seokmin, encouraging him to look back up at his smiling face.

Seokmin finally cracked his own smile, because not doing so was impossible around Joshua. “What show was it?”

That one question made Joshua’s eyes light up. He reached out, taking Seokmin’s hands in his own as he began talking about a show Seokmin had never heard of. An American show about drag queens and their fight to win a competition using all of their talents. Joshua said the name of the show six times, but Seokmin was too busy studying the sparkle in his eyes to catch it. “My friend is actually texting me about the newest season right now. I’m going to binge it during Christmas break, once finals are over.”

“Binge it?” Seokmin almost sounded worried at the idea.

“Well yeah, but not like crazy.” A light bulb went off in his head. “You should watch it with me. It can be very theatrical; I think you’d really like it!”

“I don’t know much English, though.”

“That’s why I said you watch it with me.” Joshua smiled. “I’ll explain everything to you, okay? Trust me. You’ll like it. There’s this challenge they always do where-.” As he began talking about the series' yearly parody of a popular game show his grandmother used to like, they walked closer to the front of the line. Seokmin looked down and saw his hand still in Joshua’s, fingers tightly interlocked. He kept listening, standing close as Joshua chatted on and on. The excitement Joshua oozed made him want to watch it, even though he knew he wouldn’t get the references or the language. Joshua rattling on about something he was so positively obsessed with made Seokmin’s heart full in a way he’d never understood before. Joshua finally stopped walking, eyeing the menu now that they were close enough to see it. “Speaking of finals…” Seokmin felt Joshua’s grip on his hand loosen, but he turned to Seokmin. “Nayeon and Jeonghan are going to have the apartment this weekend. Mind if we study at your place?”

“Oh. No, I don’t mind.” Seokmin said quickly. “That’s fine by me.”

“Perfect, I’ll bring some snacks over.” With the mention of food, Joshua leaned forward and put in his lunch order. Caught off guard when another worker asked him for his own order, Seokmin quickly assured he wasn’t purchasing anything and apologized, sending the worker to the next customer. With the food ordered and paid for, the duo waited by the pick-up area. “I’ve been itching to get back to studying for days, but Jeonghan’s been on top of me since I got home. So, I haven’t gotten anything done.”

“He’s only looking out for you.” Seokmin assured. Joshua nodded with a sigh.

“I know.” He glanced over. “I hate being behind, it’s stressing me out more than the actual work if I’m being honest.” Seokmin stepped closer to him when a few other people passed by. The closeness immediately reminded him of the house party; Joshua’s hands fitting on his hips as if they were molded just for his body. However, this wasn’t the appropriate scene for something similar, so Seokmin could only remember the feeling for now. He saw a grimace forming on Joshua’s face, mind already racing with things he needed to get done. Seokmin reached forward and put a hand on the other’s arm, catching his attention once again.

“Can you tell me more about that show?” he asked. Joshua blinked a few times, smiling a bit.

“Alright.” He shifted his entire body towards Seokmin, pulling out his phone. “I’ll show you some of my favorite contestants over the years.” As he typed away on Google, he shared the story of how his friend introduced him to the show during their senior year, and how they binged the entirety of the show – six seasons back then – in one school year. Joshua pointed out several beautiful queens, describing them as if he were talking about his idols. Seokmin saw the light in his eyes burning brightly as he continued to share everything that came to his mind. He listened carefully, taking in as much as he could from Joshua’s explanations. When Joshua’s food was ready, he continued talking the entire time he ate, but Seokmin didn’t mind. If it meant seeing Joshua smile, he’d listen to him read numbers out of the phone book.

“Is this binge-watching of the show going to count as another date?” Seokmin asked curiously. Joshua finally stopped talking, a grin forming on his face. Seokmin felt his cheeks tint pink. “I’m only asking so I know how to act.”

“Do you act differently on our dates?”

“Do I?” Seokmin almost sounded nervous to hear the answer. Joshua’s response was to simply uncap his water, tilting his head back to take a swig.

“I don’t think so. But I’m usually too busy admiring you to tell the difference.”

Seokmin almost choked and he wasn’t even eating. Joshua only grinned behind his water.

⚔🦌⚔🦌⚔🦌⚔🦌⚔(im)perfect🦌⚔🦌⚔🦌⚔🦌⚔🦌

The second table read had come around faster than Seokmin had imagined, San’s Sparknotes of the entire event hanging over him like a heavy cloud. He flipped through his script while everyone around him chatted. Jihoon wasn’t there yet.

“Hey.” Seokmin turned to see Jihyo leaning towards him. “Wanna run the first few scenes while we wait? Since you’re already on it.” Seokmin smiled, turning his chair to face his leading lady. Immediately, he felt as if someone was shooting lasers into his back, but fear made him too nervous to turn around. Jihyo’s expression immediately dropped to unimpressed. “Kim Seokjin-oppa is glaring at us. He’s so dramatic.”

Just hearing the name made Seokmin frown. “Not enough to get the lead, it seems.” He muttered under his breath. Almost immediately, his entire body froze. Eyes shot up to Jihyo when she burst into laughter, the hand holding her script covering her mouth. “Oh, no. No, no.”

“Oh my God, Seokmin, you’re shadier than you let on!”

“Jihyo, please.” Seokmin could already feel his heart rate increasing. “Stop. What if he heard me!?” His voice was hushed as he leaned towards his friend, but it was filled with panic. “Does he look angry? Did he hear me? He definitely heard me.”

“Who cares? He’s been nothing but annoying, he deserves to be knocked down a peg.” Seokmin almost passed out when Jihyo uttered the last sentence a bit to loud for his liking. “Dahyunie, you’ll never guess what Seokmin just-.”

“Please, for the love of God!” Seokmin choked out when Dahyun’s head turned from her own script. “I’m begging you.” Jihyo’s amusement seemed to finally falter when she saw the true panic behind Seokmin’s eyes.

“I don’t think he heard you, Seokmin…” she assured with a soft smile that reached her warm eyes.

“Just please.” Finally convinced, Jihyo nodded her head. As if God heard his prayer, the doors swung open and Jihoon headed to the stage.

“Sorry guys.” he called. “Thanks for waiting.” He pulled up a chair and smiled. “Alright, I’m going to jump right into it. I always like to start with updates on how you guys are doing. Are you finding specific scenes easier than others? Is there a part you’re confused on, in terms of delivery? It’ll help me help you during the read throughs.”

“I’m already off book.”

The entire auditorium snapped their attention to Seokjin, who sat cross-legged in his seat. He eyed the group for a second, before his eyes landed directly on Seokmin. He tensed up, feeling his hands grip his pants. He heard. He had to have heard, didn’t he? Please kill me now.

Jihoon, ever unimpressed, flipped the script in his hands. “Hyung, you passed the auditions, you don’t have to prove you can act anymore, okay?” Seokjin’s frown deepened. “Now is there anyone else who wants to update me on the truth?”

Seokmin’s eyes shot down to his script when he heard the room erupt into a sea of amused giggles and snickers. Seokjin’s eyes were seering into his forehead like he was trying to burn a hole between his eyes. Even when Seokjin spun around in his chair to talk with his seatmate, the stare lingered, and it lingered hard.

He definitely heard me…Why do I have to go and start problems?

Seokjin’s stare lingered the rest of the day; an invisible brand burning into his head, until Seokmin got home and buried himself under the covers. He never wanted to come out again if it meant running into Kim Seokjin on campus, or anywhere for that matter. He just wanted to go where thoughts didn’t stew in his head for months, or years. He wanted to be somewhere that he didn’t have to constantly worry about what other people thought of him or the things he said. Somewhere he could actually be happy and carefree.

Where that magical place was? He had no idea. He was here, in a reality that felt that it was constantly out to get him.

⚔🦌⚔🦌⚔🦌⚔🦌⚔(im)perfect🦌⚔🦌⚔🦌⚔🦌⚔🦌

Seokmin had spent all of Saturday cleaning up, making sure the apartment was ready. He and Joshua had made plans to study that weekend, the first time since Joshua had been discharged from the hospital. The older hadn’t been at the apartment since the first time they hung out; back when Seokmin was originally practicing for his auditions. He turned to the kitchen table; seeing his roommate sifting through papers, noticing his script amongst the mail. Seokmin thought back to how much he cherished that time, and how far they’d come in only a few months.

Joshua holding the script in his hands, dramatically reading a random line in the packet. Smiling at Seokmin the first time he ran through one of the tougher scenes. The way he said “I could watch you run lines all day” that still made butterflies tickle his throat. Seokmin remembered that day very well.

He remembered that was also the day he held his hand up and said ‘SALU-TE’ with his whole chest. In front of who was, at the time, only a very hot stranger.

That memory sent a shockwave of embarrassment through his spine and he slumped against the sink, soapy dishes clutched tightly in his hand.

“What are you doing?” Seungkwan asked, leaning forward on the kitchen table, confusion written on his face.

Mingyu popped his head out from the living room. “That doesn’t look like a comfortable way to wash dishes.”

“You ever remember something that happened a long time ago and cringe?” He asked.

“…No.” Seungkwan’s matter-of-fact self confidence made Seokmin only sink further on the floor, the dish being abandoned in the sink. He groaned. “Why?”

“It’s so stupid.”

“Then don’t think about it.”

“Genius, Kwannie.” Seokmin groaned.

“What are you thinking about?”

“That time I said ‘salu-te’ really loud to Shua-hyung. It was so embarrassing.” Seungkwan snorted behind him, and a harsh pang slammed into his chest.

“Wasn’t that like…three months ago? He probably forgot about it.”

“I doubt it….” He groaned. “Nobody ever forgets. Like Seokjin-hyung at the table read this week.”

“He heard you say something?”

“I don’t think so.” Seokmin sighed. “But-.”

A muffled tune enveloped the kitchen area, which turned into a 8-bit version of Wonder Girls’ ‘Nobody’ when Seungkwan pulled out his phone from his pocket. “Jinseol-noona? What could she want.”

“It’s okay, answer it…” Seokmin didn’t look up from his spot. Seungkwan seemed to hesitate, but Seokmin finally lifted his head and said: “I’m fine. Go answer it…” He offered a little nod, before heading into his bedroom, pressing the phone to his ear.

“What’s wrong, Noona?” A gasp. “NO! No way! He is not-! Hold on!” And the rest was muffled by the closed door.

Seokmin groaned, reconfiguring himself to rest his back against the kitchen cabinets. He closed his eyes, resting his head on the wood until these stupid, pointless thoughts finally realized they were no longer welcome in his fragile brain. How could he finish getting ready at this rate? Joshua would be here in a few hours….

The sound of footsteps distracted him for a second, and he looked to see Mingyu nestling at his side. He was silent for a minute before saying: “We’ve been best friends since seventh grade.” He commented, head lolling onto Seokmin’s shoulder.

“I know.” A dejected sigh escaped his lips.

“So, I know when you’re lying.” Mingyu chuckled. “So does everyone else. You’re not fine.” Seokmin simply dropped the side of his head on top of Mingyu’s. “What’s on your mind?”

“You said yourself it’s stupid.”

“Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t talk about it.”

Seokmin took a deep breath. “I can’t stop thinking about it. It happens all the time. With everything I’ve said ever. Remember when I told you ‘This wouldn’t have happened if you listened to me and stopped eating after your fifth plate?’ When you were throwing up from all the hotpot?”

“…No.”

Well, I do. You glared at me so hard I thought you’d never speak to me again. I still think about that sometimes, and we were in ninth grade.” Mingyu only chuckled at the memory, which didn’t seem to even be a memory for him. “What I said was so rude, even if Seokjin didn’t hear me. I feel like it’s only a matter of time before he confronts me about it. Then what do I do? I can’t lie, because I did say it.”

“I really don’t think it’s that deep.”

“But it is. If he confronts me and I lie, then I’ll dig myself in a bigger hole. But if I tell the truth, I’ll make him hate me even more than he already does. What if he gets mad at me and yells at me in front of everyone, causes a whole scene like during the auditions? I’ll look like someone who starts drama for no reason. What if Jihoon-hyung finds out and gets upset with me? He could kick me off as lead for starting rumors and then what? I would deserve it, probably, but-.”

“Seokmin, you’re doing it again. Overthinking.” Mingyu’s deep voice cut through Seokmin’s frantic rambling. He pulled his head upright, running a hand through his hair. “If he hasn’t said anything yet, he probably didn’t hear you, and it’s okay.”

“That’s easy for you to say.” Seokmin pouted.

Mingyu took a deep breath, looking over at his friend. “I’m going to ask you a question, and I don’t want you to take offense to it. Promise?”

“…You know who you’re talking to, right? I thought the neighbor's cat hated me because it wouldn’t slow blink at me, even though it’s blind!” Mingyu chuckled at that exclamation.

“Promise?” He asked again.

“I’ll try.”

“…You ever…talk to anyone about this stuff before?”

“Uhhh, what do you mean?”

A curt. “A therapist?” The word sent a shiver down Seokmin’s spine.

“I went to one when I was younger with my sister.” He pursed his lips together. “After my parents got divorced, the court said it was a good idea. But that’s all, I stopped going right before we met in middle school.”

“Why?”

Seokmin paused. “My mom said it wasn’t helping anymore, and pulled us out.” Mingyu seemed a bit annoyed by the comment, but didn’t press further. “Do you think I should see a therapist? Am I finally going crazy?”

“Min, you’ve been crazy.” Mingyu teased. “No, but seriously. It could be good to go to a therapist. Someone who can listen without being biased.”

“Are you biased?”

“I’m your best friend, and that means I know exactly how your family can be.” He said. “So, yes, I’m biased. Besides, I’m going to be a teacher, not a therapist.” Seokmin opened his mouth, but Mingyu held a hand up. “No, it’s not the same thing.” The open hand Mingyu held up, nudged Seokmin’s shoulder. “I’m not telling you what to do, I’m just saying it’s something to think about. You’re the only one who can decide to put in the work and do it. Maybe you need somewhere that you can get all of this stuff off your chest. They might even be able to show you ways to be easier on yourself. Even small steps will get you to the end goal eventually.”

Seokmin fumbled with his fingers, eyes cast down on his lap. Mingyu leaned to his side, arms outstretched towards the smaller of the two. Seokmin looked over with a slightly confused expression as his friend offered a dopey grin, an eager puppy who lives and breathes physical contact. “Come on. Bring it in.” He encouraged playfully.

Seokmin laughed a bit, but wasted no time reaching over to return the hug. “You’re ridiculous, Gyu.” He said, but his friend only hugged tighter. It felt as if Mingyu squeezed all of the negative thoughts of him like a juicer, and Seokmin sighed in relief.

The sound of Seungkwan’s feet padding back into the room only temporarily broke the hug. “False alarm. My sister’s boyfriend is not proposing, he just-. Hey!” He pouted. “I’m gone for five minutes and miss a bestie hug sesh on the floor?!” He looked genuinely hurt, hand to his chest as if the currently embracing duo shot him directly in the heart. “I want to have a bestie hug sesh on the floor!!”

Seokmin chuckled a bit, the duo immediately outstretching their arms to invite an even larger tangle of limbs. The little noise of glee that left Seungkwan’s lips was the cutest thing to ever enter the world as he dropped to the floor and practically threw himself around his seniors. Seokmin’s heart finally felt full for a few minutes, allowing himself to enjoy the moment.

“…What happened with your sister?” Mingyu finally asked, looking at Seungkwan with curious eyes.

“We thought her boyfriend was proposing but it turns out he’s not.” Seungkwan rolled his eyes. “I swear, he’s going to lose her at this rate. She’s too good for him. She did her nails and everything because she thought today was the day.” He grabbed his phone to show the photo his sister had sent of her French tips.

“Aww.” Seokmin frowned. “Tell her that I think her nails are nice.” Seungkwan smiled as he sent the text. With the hug broken, Mingyu stood up, the sound of the sink sputtering on, continuing the dishes. “I’ll finish these up.” He said down to Seokmin. “Go get all dolled up for your boyfriend.”

“He’s not my boyfriend.” Seokmin grumbled with pink on his cheeks.

“Oh, he so fucking is.” Seungkwan snorted. “Please don’t try to fool us.”

“Come on!” Seokmin covered his cheeks as Seungkwan laughed.

“I can name like 3 things you two did that were relationship worthy in the last week alone.” Seungkwan beamed. “Just tell him you love him already, we have bets going!”

“No, we do not!” Mingyu assured with a laugh. “Don’t listen to him, Seokmin. He just doesn’t want to be the friend in the freshest relationship anymore.”

“At least mine is fresh and not stale!” Seungkwan was now the one to get embarrassed despite his quippy remark. Mingyu’s head whipped around at the grinning junior on the floor. Seokmin fell quiet for a minute, looking between the both of them. Mingyu kicked his foot back and nudged Seungkwan’s knee, grinning in amusement.

“Just be useful and dry the dishes. We need to go before Joshua-hyung gets here, and I’m starving.” Seungkwan finally relented, standing up and nestling at Mingyu’s side to help as Seokmin got to his feet.

“Thank you.” Seungkwan and Mingyu turned over to him, offering content smiles as Seokmin headed into his room. Taking a deep breath, he ventured into his closet to find the best outfit.

Despite Mingyu’s tight squeeze and the added pressure of Seungkwan, there was still one thought that planted itself firmly into Seokmin’s mind, unable to be juiced away no matter how many hugs he gave or received. His mother’s voice; one he could never fully get away from.

You don’t need a therapist. What a waste of time. She didn’t know what she was talking about.

Your father is the one who needs therapy, not you guys. That judge… trying to tell me how to parent my own kids. Who does she think she is?

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Joshua knocked on the door about an hour later, Seungkwan and Mingyu long gone out to dinner. Seokmin had to hold himself back from practically sprinting to the door and flinging it open. Joshua’s stunning beauty immediately flooded Seokmin’s eyes, and he couldn’t help but smile. His hair was brushed back, showing his forehead, perfect just like the rest of him. He was fixing his strawberry red cardigan, wrapped around a white tee shirt. Seokmin’s eyes dipped to see it tucked into a pair of light jeans.

A new item was spotted across Joshua’s chest: a white tote bag. Seokmin couldn’t help but smile.

“That’s cute.” He said. Joshua looked down, grinning.

“Thanks.” He said. “I got it the other day when I went shopping. I wanted to wear it out first chance I got.” He opened it, and Seokmin peeked inside. “I don’t have anything to put inside it yet. I’m thinking of filling it with little things I might need when I’m out, but-.” He shrugged.

“You’re carrying an empty tote bag?” Seokmin asked.

“Yes.” Joshua didn’t even seem phased. “We’ll see. We’ll feel it out, you know?”

Seokmin chuckled, a response of “sure, hyung” while ushering him inside. The first thing Joshua did was dig through his backpack and pulled out a plastic bag filled to the brim with convenience store treats. “I brought snacks!” He grinned.

Seokmin accepted the bag with a smile and a small “Thank you.” He’s always so thoughtful…

When Joshua uttered an amused: “Cute.” Seokmin turned around. Much to his surprise, the one thing he forgot to put away was his ravioli plush, which was sitting comfortably on the couch.”Is that yours?”

“Uh.” Seokmin stammered for a second. “Yea….Heh. I got it a while ago.”

Joshua walked over and examined the plush in his hands, grinning all the while. Seokmin couldn’t help but feel embarrassed, even though he had taken Joshua into a toy store specifically to buy stuffed animals before. Joshua turned to him. “Does he get along with our deer?”

“Our?” Seokmin cocked an eyebrow.

“Yes, our.” Joshua huffed. “I was tempted to ask for weekend custody, but I think he likes you more than me, so he’ll only end up resenting me more if I do it now.” Seokmin couldn’t help but laugh as Joshua set the ravioli plush down on the couch once again, setting his bag on the floor as well. “Ready?”

As the duo settled in the living room to begin their studying, Seokmin looked over at Joshua. He was already comfortable on the couch, relaxed as if he were home. He even plopped Seokmin stuffed ravioli on his lap. Sensing he was being watched, Joshua eyed the other and grinned.

“Lee Seokmin…are you checking me out?”

“W-what?! No!” Seokmin gasped, his computer almost falling off of his lap. Joshua’s tongue pressed against his bottom lip in amusement.

“You were checking me out when I got here, too.” He rested his arm on the back of the couch as he stared at Seokmin, almost amused at how red his face must have been turning so quickly.

“Hyung, come on.” A flushed face turned back to the computer. Seokmin felt Joshua’s hand reach forward and tangle into his hair, immediately diffusing all of the knots coiling up deep in his belly. An amused hum was heard when Seokmin tilted his head a bit, leaning into the touch; smiling as he resumed typing away.

Just confess your love to him already! Seungkwan was even loud and nosey in people’s thoughts, it seemed. Oh, how he wished he could be that carefree.

Even little steps get you to the end goal eventually.

Regardless, in this moment, he was content with this small step of closeness. This reality, even if only for the next few minutes, felt just a bit more perfect.

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animeniacss · 3 months ago

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Seoksoo - imperfect Part 1 - Chapter 15 - It Was Perfect

Length: approx. 9.6k words

Chapter 15 - It Was Perfect

“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” – James 1:17

Most kids know very little, if anything, about the day they were born. Not Joshua Hong. Born late in the night of December 30th, Joshua was not breathing for a good minute after birth. Doctors tried everything to get him to cry, warming him up in blankets so he wouldn’t turn blue while his parents screamed and begged them to save their child.

The doctors said that the second he took his first breath, the minute his cries mixed with the hysteric sobs of his mother, it began snowing. In Los Angeles.

It was truly a perfect day, as it would be for any new parents in 1995.

Joshua Hong knew that before him, his parents went through 4 pregnancy losses in 3 years, and tried in just as many years before that. He was never sure why he was the one God picked to enter the world, but his parents didn’t care. He was their first and only son. Their miracle.

He was perfect.

His father would share with every customer in his restaurant the story of his son’s miracle birth, his mother squealing about it on every birthday and in every book club. Joshua was so perfect, they stopped trying for any more kids after that. Why keep going, after so much heartbreak and grief, when the child that made it into their arms was all they ever asked for in the first place?

It. Was. Perfect.

Growing up affluent gave Joshua access to everything he could ever want. His room was littered with so many books that he could read by age 2. He was strumming Fischer Price guitars with such artistic rhythm, a real one was given as a gift when he turned five. His parents said he was the reason they started going back to church, their faith in God restored after he came into their lives. Joshua never thought it was a problem. He loved his family; he loved his childhood. It was all perfect. Joshua Hong, only child of a successful restaurant owner and college professor, was perfect.

Perfect was his favorite word back then. He knew it had 2 syllables and started with the /p/ sound before he could even hold a pencil correctly. He could read the word by age 3, and spell it by age 4.

Joshua heard his name and ‘perfect’ in the same sentence for most of his life, he thought that they were the exact same word. When he learned that they were in fact not, he was devastated in the way only a four-year-old could be about something so trivial.

The part of Los Angeles the Hong’s grew up in had few Asian-Americans, much less Korean-Americans. In school, he was the model student – the perfect student – the ever-revered ‘I love how Joshua is being a good example’ student that others should be modeling their behavior after. However, with his intellect and perceptiveness, it didn’t take him long to realize he was different; far beyond the brains tucked away in his skull and the decorum of a prince.

Even in the LA sun, his skin was paler than the other kids. He spoke two languages while most only spoke one – or one and a half. He didn’t go to school on Chuseok, and he always brought ‘weird’ Korean meals to school. In third grade, the meanest kid in class, Ryan Sharp asked him what stunk in his lunchbox, and got the entire lunch table to scream when he revealed it to be kimchi and rice. It wasn’t perfect to them, it was “disgusting!” to them. So, he told the one person who could help him fix the problem.

“Can I bring peanut butter and jelly to school tomorrow?”

He remembered his mom turning around as he completed school work at the table. “Why?”

“The kids in school tease me when I bring kimchi or bulgogi. I want to just bring peanut butter and jelly.”

His mother crossed her arms and looked at him. “Joshua Hong. You don’t let those other children tease you like that. They don’t know any better. You should teach them about the food so they know more about it.”

“I don’t think they’ll listen, Mom.”

“Then that’s on them.” She said. “You know you’re perfect just as you are, right? Don’t let anyone tell you differently.”

Joshua’s pencil stopped for a second, before nodding. “Yes, Mom.”

In fifth grade, Ryan Sharp got in trouble for saying something about Joshua being the smartest kid in class because he was Asian. Joshua was given a handwritten apology letter, but he knew Ryan didn’t mean it. Joshua didn’t realize that he was playing into a stereotype, he just thought it was because he was perfect. Wasn’t he?

It continued; Joshua being called ‘gay’ because he tried – and failed – to play house at recess with the girls rather than football with the boys. The only time Joshua saw victory was when Ryan got suspended for three days and lost recess for a month after he pushed Joshua in a puddle of mud after a rain storm and ruined his favorite shoes.

If Joshua’s parents were right, and he was truly perfect, then why did he spend the first 5 years of school being ostracized as the token ‘weird, smart kid?’ Why did the other kids avoid him on the playground? Why were his only friends the ones his mother forced him to sit by at church, and during Sunday school? The older Joshua got, the more he knew that he wanted to be perfect, that he had to be perfect. How could someone like Ryan Sharp torment him if he was perfect in everything? One letter off or not, Joshua would be perfect.

The summer before sixth grade, the Hong’s moved closer to the college his mother taught at, and his father had managed to open a second location of his restaurant. The location they settled into had a much higher Asian American population, located right beside the Staples Center. New location; new Joshua; a new chance to be perfect. It was fool proof.

Joshua’s middle school career was spent at the top of his class. He never missed a test or a quiz, never saw less than a 100 on his papers. He was in every school club you could think of: led the student council, dressed as one of the school mascots in every middle school pep rally, and led the junior debate team to victory for all three years.

Joshua’s reputation preceded him and left him the subject of many female eyes in the halls. He got the most Valentine’s every year, and he didn’t go to the eighth-grade dance alone. His AIM was filled with less than threes for hearts, and he never knew the pain of a break-up. Boys wanted to be him and girls wanted to be with him. He was living the perfect, ideal, American pre-teen dream.

At least, that’s what everyone thought.

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The first all-nighter was the night before his 7th grade junior debate meeting. He had a history quiz in the morning, and needed to finish his one-page paper on Bridge to Terabithia. At twelve, time passed in a blur, and he could barely feel the bags under his eyes until his mother pointed them out. He took his daily vitamin, ate breakfast, and was out the door to succeed in all three tasks. The junior debate team saw victory, he got 100 percent on his history quiz, and a 105 on his essay because he added more pages than required. Perfect. All achievements were met with the same three lines:

“That’s my boy. Do you guys see my boy?!”

“Isn’t he perfect?”

“He is our miracle. We’re just so lucky!”

His parents always had something to tell their friends and family about, and that, to him, was perfect.

That is, until he started 9th grade and Joshua entered the world of high school.

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13-year-old Joshua stepped into his geometry class, a sophomore class, his friend Johnny standing at his side. Johnny was a transfer from Chicago, moved right next door to Joshua that summer and the duo became fast friends. “I heard this teacher is really hard. Why didn’t you just take the freshman algebra class?”

“Because it’s too easy.” Joshua said simply. Johnny rolled his eyes. “I’ll see you in History. We have the same class, right?”

“Mhm. And lunch.” He smirked. “I heard Megan’s in our lunch.”

“Oh?” Johnny nodded, a smirk on his face. “…Why are you looking at me like that?”

“She’s had a thing for you like all summer. You need to ask her out.” Joshua was now the one to roll his eyes.

“It’s 7:30 in the morning. I don’t want to talk about dating this early in the morning.” Johnny snorted, but conceded. “See you later.” Waving Johnny off, Joshua made his way into the first class of the day and nestled into the front seat.

He twirled a pencil in his fingers and watched as the rest of the students filed in, waving to some that he recognized from middle school, and saying polite hellos to the ones he didn’t. Just as the first bell rang and teenagers began sprinting to class, Mr. Clark entered, hand rubbing a salt and pepper beard as he set a weathered briefcase down on the front table. Joshua’s eyes darted to the male that slipped in behind him and his eyes widened. He gripped the pencil in his hand so hard he thought it might snap in two.

Behind Mr. Clark was a stunning male. He was young, most likely in his early twenties, with curly blonde hair and grassy green eyes. Joshua’s eyes caught a mole under his nose that folded under the skin when he smiled. Joshua’s heart felt it was racing a mile a minute as the man stepped into the room, standing at Mr. Clark’s side.

“This is Mr. Daugherty. He’ll be my student teacher this year. Don’t be an embarrassment.”

Joshua was fucked.

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Mr. Daugherty spent the first quarter simply observing Mr. Clark. Joshua could handle that. As, summer turned to fall, Joshua was able to keep his head buried in his textbook and not worry about the very handsome – no, no, shut the fuck up Joshua – the very not handsome man sitting on the other side of the room, typing away on his computer and occasionally walking among the aisles to help students that asked. Joshua overheard the girls behind him whispering about how handsome he was, and Joshua wanted to slam his face into his desk every time he found himself agreeing.

“Oh, Joshua.”

“Huh?!” Joshua’s eyes snapped up to see Mr. Daugherty standing over him, smiling. He was pointing to one of the problems Joshua was working on. “Oh…”

“You computed this wrong. Do you need help?”

“No.” Joshua said, maybe a bit too quickly. “No.”

The blonde looked a bit taken back by Joshua’s response, but hoping to be professional, simply nodded his head with a small smile. “Okay. Holler if you do.” And without another word, Mr. Daughtery was off to check on the next student. Joshua looked down at the math problem, erasing the mistake and fixing it. His eyes darted up to the clock. 30 more minutes to go and Mr. Daughtery was already making his way back up the aisle again.

Joshua’s Study Hall period that day was spent doing the most important studying of his life. Tucked into the corner of the library, he was hunched over his laptop as he typed ‘Am I gay?’ into the computer search bar. His screen was flooded with Buzzfeed quizzes and YouTube videos titled ’10 Ways to Tell if You’re Gay!!! (NOT clickbait)”. The farther he scrolled, the more the dread sank in. He clicked the quiz.

Have you ever thought about men romantically? YES/NO Have you ever thought about women romantically? YES/NO How does the picture below make you feel?

“Oh what?!” Joshua slammed the screen of his laptop down when a very explicit photo of a shirtless man on the beach appeared on his screen and made his cheeks explode a very, cherry red. He covered his face, leaning back in his chair. What am I going to do? He thought. This can’t be. It can’t, it can’t, it can’t.

What will my parents say? They’ll flip out. They’re already pro-abstinence until marriage if I tell them any of this, true or not, they’ll…they’ll….

“The hell are you doing, Josh?” He sat up from his seat, looking to see Johnny sitting across from him. “Oh. You okay?” Johnny asked. A quick nod and wipe of his eyes was all he could respond with. Staring ahead, he blinked a few times. “Josh…Why are you staring at me?”

“Johnny, can you drive?”

“Uh, my dad lets me drive the truck in empty parking lots sometimes. Why?”

Joshua ran a hand through his hair and grimaced. “Please run me over with it. If it doesn’t kill me the first time, floor it.” Johnny laughed, but immediately saw that his friend was not amused. “I’m serious.”

“Dude…” Johnny frowned. “Why?” Joshua shook his head.

“I can’t tell you.” His friend leaned in close, eyes wide. “…What?”

“You in with the mob or something?” Joshua’s eyes narrowed at him.

“Are you serious?” He asked. “No!” With a huff, he got up from the library chair and grabbed his bag. Johnny was a man’s man through and through, a bit sarcastic but overall, the definition of what it meant to be a normal, straight man. He’d never understand, and even if he did, Joshua would never say anything. To anyone. “Whatever, forget I said anything, let’s just-.”

“Hey, Joshua! Johnny!” Joshua’s eyes shot up at the call of his name, seeing a beautiful brunette passing by. Megan O’Rorke, a freshman just like them. A cheerleader, popular, beautiful. She disappeared into one of the nearby aisles with her friends.

Perfect.

“Wait here.” Joshua said, before abandoning Johnny. He could hear his friend’s eager cheers of encouragement as he got to the brunette’s side, smiling. “Megan, I have a question for you.”

Her eyes sparkled almost immediately, stopping in her tracks to turn to him. “Yes?” She asked eagerly. Joshua was silent for a second, blinking a few times. Each time he closed his eyes, Mr. Daughtery looked at him from a different spot in the geometry classroom. That was enough to make him ask.

“Want to go out Saturday night?”

Joshua and Megan dated the rest of freshman year. It was enough for Joshua to forget all about Mr. Daughtery, even when he was tasked with taking over the classroom after Christmas break. Joshua felt great, better than ever. His parents were elated to know he had a girlfriend, he was still ranking top of his class in every subject, and he was already in position to run for student council come sophomore year.

Everything was perfect. Everything was perfect. Everything was perfect.

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September of his sophomore year, and things immediately proved they were in fact not perfect. Exhibit A: third period chemistry. Joshua was paired with Marco Rizzo, an Italian-American kid born and raised right in Los Angeles. He was tall, tan, a bit muscular, and a whole year older. He already had his learner’s permit.

Oh, don’t forget beautiful. Marco Rizzo was beautiful.

Joshua felt like it would be less painful to drink the solutions they were making in chemistry class, than to stand next to Marco for an entire 45-minute class period. Whatever feelings he thought he had for Mr. Daughterty the year prior were doubled every time Marco reached over him to grab a beaker, or when he brightly laughed at the ‘cute’ purple color they got during an experiment. And the one-time Marco reached over and fixed his safety goggles because Joshua’s hands were already covered with chemicals? He ran to the nurses office feeling like he was going to throw up. He didn’t, but that burning sensation stayed in his stomach for the rest of the week.

Megan said they had to break-up after their first kiss outside of the movie theatre on her sixteenth birthday. She said that she wasn’t interested anymore, but Joshua was just glad he didn’t have to kiss her again. The kiss was quick, awkward, exactly what one would expect of two teenagers discovering new things about themselves. Joshua, on that day, discovered that kissing girls made him feel disgusting. He took a 45 minute shower when he got home.

He responded to the break-up by throwing himself into his studies even harder. He’d yet to see a grade under a 100, and he sure as hell wouldn’t start now. He’d say one quick prayer at his bedside, and flip the computer on. Fingers would fly on the keyboard until the sun's rays poked into view, and Joshua would crawl into bed just long enough to get about an hour of sleep.

Joshua didn’t start getting chronic headaches until he was 15. He didn’t get his first string of nosebleeds until he was 16. These were mere obstacles; ones Joshua could easily fix with a tissue and few Ibuprofens. The other things were not, however; the thoughts of Marco or Mr. Daughtery, or Taylor Lautner. That one was new, because he caught a trailer for Twilight while scrolling through the TV, and while Johnny commented on how lame it looked, Joshua couldn’t help ogle the shirtless, ripped actor turning into a werewolf before his eyes.

He was in deep.

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Joshua dated another girl three months after he and Megan broke up. Krystal, another beautiful cheerleader who he met at church camp. The duo met before his sophomore year, her junior year, and remained good friends through school. Krystal asked him out during their shared gym class, and Joshua almost sounded desperate when he said yes.

Krystal was nice, but she wasn’t as much of a distraction to Joshua’s problem as Megan was the year prior. Maybe it was because Marco was closer to him more often, maybe it was because Marco approached him in the halls between classes. Maybe it was because when Marco eyed him up and down, Joshua could read it as an attempt to flirt.

Marco asked to come to Joshua’s house one weekend to study for a test. Joshua couldn’t tell if he was terrified or not, but his parents were so excited to know their perfect son was bringing home a friend, he couldn’t help but say yes. When Marco arrived at his front door with his bookbag and a plastic baggie of chips from the gas station that he knew Joshua liked, Joshua had to plant his feet firmly on the floor so he wouldn’t jump forward and just kiss him.

“Cool room.” Marco’s eyes fell to the collection of debate team awards and honor roll certificates lining the wall above his desk. He whistled. “Wow. Smarty pants, hm?” Joshua chuckled a bit because speaking felt scary. “I’m glad you’re my partner, then. We’re going to ace this test!” Marco grinned at him, and something in Joshua’s chest short circuited. “Ready?”

Marco sat up against the foot of Joshua’s bed, Joshua sitting directly across from him. They both were reading through their textbook, taking turns reading definitions aloud that they assumed would be included in the test.

“You’re so smart, Joshua.” Marco beamed up at him. “I wish I was half as smart as you.”

Joshua smiled. “You’re smart, don’t say that. You’re good at the hands-on stuff I’m not good at.” Marco’s grin turned into a playful smirk that made Joshua only force his smile more. “You’re disgusting.”

Marco only responded with a shrug, before reading the next chemistry question aloud. The duo went back and forth like this for about thirty minutes, before the two of them got side tracked chatting about whatever came to their minds. Their textbooks had long since been discarded to the other side of the bed, their focus on one another as they chatted. “You’ve never been to Italy?” Joshua’s eyes widened. Marco shook his head. “I went when I was 8 and I’m not even Italian!”

Marco laughed; a loud roar of a laugh that made Joshua feel a weird calmness despite how much it reverberated against the walls of his room. “Alright, Richie Rich. No need to rub it in my face!”

“I’m not!” He gasped. “I’m just surprised.”

“Well, if you’re so surprised, then next time you go to Italy, take me.” Joshua’s smile immediately fell, eyebrows furrowed.

“What?” He asked. Marco suddenly looked serious, almost nervous, and that feeling paralleled Joshua's expression. “Heh, I mean, I’d…I’d have to ask my parents, but-.”

Joshua didn’t get to finish before Marco leaned forward and planted one, big kiss on his lips. Joshua’s entire world came crashing down in one action. He couldn’t move, his entire body frozen solid as he stared ahead. He couldn’t even divert his eyes, he was stuck staring at Marco’s eyes, which were squeezed shut in nerves. He pulled back a second later, and Joshua immediately covered his mouth. His hands were shaking, eyes wide as he stared at the Italian-American across from him. It only took a second for Marco to realize what happened, his face carrying a similar look of panic.

“Wh….I’m sorry! Are you not? Oh fuck.” He looked around. Joshua couldn’t even speak, stunned to absolute silence as Marco hopped off his bed and scrambled for his bag. “Sorry! Sorry, sorry. I’ll go. I’ll just-.” Before he could exit the room, Joshua’s mom stepped in, a little tray of peeled and sliced oranges in her hands.

“Hope you two are hungry, because I brought-.” Her smile immediately fell when she saw the distressed boys before her. Joshua immediately turned his entire body from his mother. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah.” Looking like a deer caught in headlights, Marco said. “I’m sorry, Mrs. Hong. I need to go. Thank you for having me.”

“O…okay.” Mrs. Hong watched the teen head out the door. “Come back soon, okay?” She turned to Joshua, staring at his back. “Honey? You okay?”

“Yeah.” Joshua coughed out, sitting up right. “Perfect, Mom.”

Marco stopped talking to Joshua outside of class after that, which hurt him more than he expected.

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“It’s because you’re gay, isn’t it?” Krystal and Joshua were sitting outside during the last week of school that year, one of their preferred dates once the weather got nicer.

Joshua almost choked on his soda, eyes widening at the girl across from him. “W-what? No!”

Krystal smiled a bit. “Really?”

“Really.”

“Then why are we breaking up? You know I’ll see you at camp all summer, right?”

“I just-.” Joshua paused. “I just don’t want to date this summer. It’s nothing against you.”

Krystal nodded, still unable to hide the smile on her lips. It made Joshua feel like he was being interrogated at the police department.

“Joshua, hun.” Krystal leaned forward on her elbows. “It’s okay if you’re into guys, you know that right?”

“I’m not.” Joshua said.

“I see how you look at Marco.” Hearing the name made Joshua’s heart feel as if it had fully stopped beating, the expression on his face only making Krystal’s grin widen. “See? Told you. You’re down bad for him.”

“I am not!” Joshua slammed his hands on the table. The force of the wood shaking made Krystal sit upright. Joshua immediately rubbed his hands together, the stinging traveling up to his elbows. “Stop….”

“I’m sorry.” She said softly. A pause before she stood up. “Either way, no hard feelings.” she smiled. “I’ll see you at camp. We’ll have another fun year. Okay?”

“Okay…” Joshua said as she left the picnic table, leaving him alone with two stinging, red hands and a set of tears threatening to escape his eyes.

He told his mother that he and Krystal broke up that night over dinner, and she was just as devastated as she was with Megan, if not more.

“She was such a nice girl, too.”

“I know.” Joshua pushed the rice in his bowl. His mother leaned across the table, gently smoothing out her son’s hair. He smiled up at her, almost leaning into the gentle touch.

“I’m so sorry, honey.” She cooed gently.

“Don’t worry, Mom. I’ll be okay.” He assured.

“It’s okay to be a bit upset about it, Josh.” His father grinned behind the rim of his soju glass.

“I know.”

“Don’t worry, Joshua.” His mother said gently. “You’ll find a nice girl one day. She’s out there somewhere.” Joshua gripped the chopsticks in his hands. He felt like his lips were on fire, the feeling of being kissed by someone as beautiful and as kind as Marco Rizzo still haunting him months later.

He shoved the next bite of rice in his mouth so he didn’t have to say ‘Yes, Mom’ this time. He just might start crying if he had to utter yet another lie at the dinner table.

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Joshua spent the rest of his junior year similarly to how he spent the prior two; dating girls in short periods in the hopes of ignoring the intense feelings he had for the new boy that walked into his life. This year, it was senior Christian Jones, one of the track and field members. A known gym rat whose locker ended up being right next to Joshua’s in gym class that year. Nothing exciting came of that because he was dating Tiffany, a beautiful senior and lead singer in the school choir. Joshua could only watch from afar until his feelings fizzled out at junior prom. That was the easiest of all four years.

Senior year it was Kyle Davis, who sat next to him in Study Hall. He always offered Joshua a piece of gum and said his eyes were really pretty. Kyle had jet-black hair, cut short just like he did, and striking blue eyes that Joshua thought about long after the duo parted each day for class. He was also open about being gay. Throughout the year, Joshua found comfort in Kyle that went beyond simple attraction, but infatuation with Kyle and everything about him. During Study Hall, Kyle would talk to him about the latest episode of this show, RuPaul’s Drag Race, beaming each week during the fifth season’s run when Jinx Monsoon slayed, and crying when Ivy Winters was eliminated. Joshua had no idea what he was talking about, but he would listen to Kyle count sheep hopping over a fence if it meant he could stare at those beautiful blue eyes for another few minutes.

Being himself around Kyle Davis never felt forced or scary. It felt good. There were no expectations with him, only moments. Joshua spent nights at his house binging all past seasons of RuPaul’s Drag Race, admiring the confidence the contestants had in themselves and their sexuality. Because of their friendship, Joshua rekindled with Marco, the group becoming a close knit trio.

Kyle never asked if Joshua was gay, but it felt like he knew. The way he so subtly pointed out handsome men in the crowd when they people watched at the park, the way he always kept a close seat, yet never crossed any boundaries. He dubbed himself the “Gay Yoda”, a guru that Joshua felt safe with.

Joshua loved his parents, and his church, and his friends, but the love that bubbled in his chest for Kyle was one that was vastly different. It was beautiful, it was the one thing about the entire journey that Joshua felt was perfect.

“Are you going to prom?” Kyle asked, passing over his gum pack. Joshua leaned forward and took one. “I mean, I figured you probably will, right? You’re practically guaranteed Prom King.”

Joshua snorted as he popped the gum into his mouth. “Am not.”

“Hong: Humble and Handsome.” Kyle cooed. “That’ll be on your tombstone, bestie~.” Joshua rolled his eyes as he typed away at his computer. “But seriously, are you going?”

“Are you?”

“Uh, duh. I have the cutest maroon tuxedo that I got on sale, and the world needs to see me in it before I die.” Joshua chuckled, nodding his head. “I’m only asking because we should go together.” Joshua’s fingers stopped typing as he looked up at Kyle, who only smiled wider. “Don’t worry, it’s not a promposal or anything. I wouldn’t be that dramatic.”

“Yes, you totally would.” Joshua corrected. Going to prom with Kyle would be a beautiful nightmare, one he wanted to agree to so badly because he wanted to give him a corsage and flowers and tell him Kyle looked beautiful in the maroon suit because he knew it was going to be true.

“I’m saying we should go as friends. Who are you taking?” Joshua shrugged.

“No idea.”

“What about Krystal? Don’t you still talk to her?”

Joshua had told Kyle about his high school girlfriends and how they all managed to end one way or another. Krystal and Joshua had stayed pretty good friends at church camp even after their break-up. “She’s a freshman in college. Why would she want to go to some senior prom?”

“Because she won’t expect anything from you.” Joshua didn’t have time to respond before the bell rang, and Kyle waved him off before heading to his next class.

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It was already 4am the next morning, but Joshua wasn’t studying. Finals had come and gone, and he had secured, to the ever-growing praise of his parents and friends, the spot as valedictorian for the graduating class of 2014. With a full ride to college in his back pocket, for the first time in his school career, he could relax.

Well, he thought he could. But contrary to the ever-prevalent ‘perfect’, ‘relax’ seems to be the one word that never stayed in his mental dictionary. Tucked away in the corner of his closet, hands gripping the shiny, new iPhone he was given for graduation, Joshua was frantic. His parents had long since turned in, leaving him to sob via FaceTime to the one person he knew he could rely on: Yoon Jeonghan. Being midday in Korea, Joshua always knew he was a safe bet when he needed someone to talk to late at night.

“Jeonghan, what am I going to do?” he sobbed, resting his head against the wall. “I can’t do this anymore, I just can’t.”

“Joshuji, relax.” Jeonghan soothed gently. They had been on the phone for forty-five minutes already as he listened to his friend’s troubles. “Why don’t you just go with him and say it’s a friend’s thing?”

“My parents want me to take a girl. They’ll be so disappointed if their only son doesn’t go to his last prom of high school without a date! Everyone thinks I’m going to ask a girl! If I don’t, I’m basically wearing a sign around my neck saying ‘I’m into guys, I’ve fooled you all!’”

“As long as it matches the suit, I think it’ll be okay.” Jeonghan teased.

“You’re not helping!” Joshua sobbed, his head falling into his knees. “I can’t do it anymore; I just can’t handle this anymore. Any of it…I want this to be over.”

“School?”

“Everything.” He sniffled. “I want everything to be over. I can’t be around to disappoint anyone if I’m not around at all.”

“Hong Jisoo!” The sound of his Korean name made him lift his head up to see Jeonghan glaring at him. “Don’t talk like that! Do you know how many lives would be different if you weren’t in them at this very moment?! Your parents, Kyle’s, Johnny’s, mine?”

The duo sat in silence because Joshua didn’t know what else to say. It was a long, painful silence. Finally, Joshua choked up. “I’m so hopelessly in love with him and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m terrified….”

“I know.” Jeonghan said. “Just think, the year will be over soon and you’ll be on a flight to see me for the summer. We will have the best summer ever! Then, when you are ready to go back for college, we can figure out your feelings together, okay?”

“Okay.” Joshua hummed. Eventually ending the call with a reassuring sendoff, Joshua let silence overtake him. He leaned against his perfectly organized church clothes for another long minute and let out a defeated sign. The sun was already rising, bleeding in through the window, as he pulled out his phone to text Krystal, asking her to be his date to the senior prom.

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Prom pictures included himself, Krystal, Johnny, his date, and Kyle posing all over Joshua’s large house. Their parents made it a whole thing, Joshua’s mother crying at how handsome he looked. How perfect he looked and what a respectable young man he had grown up to be. Joshua felt nauseous the entire time, keeping his gaze anywhere but in Kyle’s direction because he knew if he stared too long, his mother would snap a picture where he had hearts in his eyes.

Krystal’s popularity in high school meant she had more than enough friends in the senior class to mingle with, Joshua not minding one bit. Most of the night was great, chatting up friends, taking photos and dancing. This was the last time for them to let loose like this in school. After this year, everyone was going to travel their own paths, breaking apart as they discovered what they wanted to do with the rest of their lives.

Joshua’s path had been predetermined since before he knew the word ‘perfect’; go to college with an academic scholarship, excel in both grades and extracurriculars, and graduate top of his class with a job offer in any school district he wanted. It was easy, it was predictable, it was safe.

When Kyle pulled him to the dance floor as ‘Let Me Love You’ by Ne-Yo blasted on the dance floor, Joshua knew that there was a massive wrench thrown in his plans. He had spent the past 4 years trying so hard to ignore said wrench, to allow for his carefully crafted plans to play out without issue. However, each time he tried to bury the wrench and forget it existed, it would unearth itself and barrel back into view like a vicious boomerang.

By the end of the night, Joshua was standing outside the venue, getting some much needed air after being bombarded by friends congratulating him for his expected – and according to Krystal, deserved - Prom King win. He only got to enjoy the quiet for a few minutes before Kyle appeared behind him.

“Hey, King.” He smirked. “Did I call it or what?”

“Yeah, yeah. You probably rigged the vote.”

“I may have.” A teasing grin formed on his face. He stood at Joshua’s side and the duo fell into a comfortable silence. Joshua felt his heart pumping in his chest, picking at his fingernails in an attempt to keep his hands, eyes, and mind distracted. Finally, Kyle spoke up. “You know you’ll always be one of my best friends, right?”

Joshua hummed. “Yeah. You too.”

Kyle nodded his head. “I want to ask you something kind of personal.” Joshua’s hands paused their skin picking and he looked over. “...I never wanted to ask, because you always looked nervous about it, but…” blue eyes that sparkled even brighter under the stars fell in his direction. “Joshua, are you gay?”

Joshua looked back at him. He licked his lips. “N-.” A deep breath. “I don’t know…I think so.”

“How long have you ‘thought so’?”

“Probably freshman year…”

Kyle smiled, almost sadly, Joshua noticed. “It was a lot for me to come to terms with, too. There’s a lot of things you need to think about. I was terrified to tell my parents.”

“Your parents are cool, though.” Joshua looked down at his fingers again. Another moment of silence, before Kyle stepped closer to Joshua. He finally looked back up, noticing the distance between them get smaller. “…Why are you looking at me like that?” He asked softly.

Kyle shrugged. “I know I said it was hard for me to come to terms with but I’m happier now than I was when I was 13, sneaking around at school and telling my grandma at Thanksgiving that I had a girlfriend from Canada or something.” Joshua chuckled a bit under his breath. “Everyone has their own experience. You’ll find out how you fit into everything at your own pace.”

“I wish it was that easy…” he said softly. Kyle poked his cheek, and when Joshua turned his head to look at him, he asked:

“Can I kiss you?” Joshua paused for only a second. “I’ve always tried to find the perfect time to ask so…” Joshua smiled, giving a nod of his head.

“Okay…” With a beaming grin, Kyle leaned in and planted one very quick kiss on his lips. Joshua felt him pull back, but he didn’t get far before Joshua grabbed him by the tie of his suit and eyed him up and down. “That suit really does look good on you.” He said. Kyle grinned as he quickly leaned into another kiss. Things were finally looking up just a bit.

The summer after, while Joshua was in South Korea, Kyle moved across the country for college. The duo still kept in touch over the phone and on social media. Kyle is still saved in Joshua’s phone as ‘Your Gay Yoda’, and Joshua will dare not change it for as long as he lives and breathes on this earth. But their relationship never really went farther than catching up during the summer when Kyle returned home, and Joshua had to tell himself that it was perfect, whether he liked it or not.

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Joshua attended college two hours away from home, hoping the distance between himself and his parents would help ease some of his worries. It did; sort of. He could stare at other men who had yet to know him and offer a few attempts at flirting without worrying that it would get to his mom through the church book club. He managed to room with the one person he knew from high school, but he was out so often chasing girls and going to parties that Joshua basically roomed alone. That was fine by him.

College, at first, was uneventful. Late-night study sessions at the library, working weekends at a tutoring center for children off campus, and attending tons of school events. One, in particular, made his entire world flip upside down. When he attended a mid-semester fall festival and met the very handsome Liberal Arts major that was Kim Taehyung.

How does one describe Kim Taehyung? Kim Taehyung has a boxy smile, beautiful skin, and a deep voice that makes Joshua tremble every time he hears it. The duo became fast friends, and Joshua developed feelings even faster. However, he kept them tucked away in the farthest part of his brain. Taehyung was the first real friend he made on campus, and he had no intention of letting feelings come between them. They also shared the same birthday, down to the year and date. When Joshua and Taehyung found this out, Taehyung was tickled about finding his ‘hot birthday twin’. The word ‘hot’ seared itself into Joshua’s skull, but he only laughed along.

When December 30th finally rolled around, and Taehyung suggested that they celebrate properly, Joshua didn’t need to read too deep into the lustful gaze Taehyung gave him from the other side of the dorm room, or the way his voice practically growled into the words. He knew exactly what was being offered.

His 19th birthday was, without question, the best one of his life. Even though he may have cried about it when all was said and done.

All of Joshua’s previous notions about sex being “sacred” and “only for after marriage” went out the window at the first promise of freedom and self-expression. Joshua and Taehyung managed a ‘friends with benefits’ relationship through the first two years of college. Joshua would take girls home to his parents, but always return to Taehyung’s dorm the second he got back to campus. The only time he didn’t see Taehyung was during midterms and finals because he locked himself into his room much as he always did, forgoing sleep, food, and even sex. If he was going to disappoint his parents in the shadows, he had to make them proud in the daylight. But when exams were over, and Joshua finally allowed himself to breathe, he found himself running off with Taehyung, somewhere that they could be alone.

But over time, it wasn’t just Taehyung. It was anyone he could get his hands on. At college parties, Joshua found someone new to sneak back into his dorm. Late nights were no longer filled with blurs of textbooks, but blurs of faces Joshua couldn’t remember when he woke up the next morning. He would lie in his bed, listening to the clock tick away painfully slow before he forced himself out of bed, packed foundation under his eyes, downed a cup of coffee and an Ibuprofen – two depending on how the night went – and made his way out of the dorm with a smile plastered on his face. He was good at the double life. It was easy, it felt almost natural.

It was painful. Every day felt like he was running, looking over his shoulder in fear of being caught. He needed to get far enough away from LA, from the crushing weight of his parent’s eyes. Even with two hours of distance, it took one car ride and they’d be at his door, and who knows what they’d see. Joshua couldn’t handle it. He needed to get farther.

He needed to hop on a plane.

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Joshua moved to Korea the summer before his junior year started. Inspired by one of his family’s yearly trips to South Korea, where he spent a few days teaching eager six-year-olds how to say “My name is” in English. He left that trip knowing exactly what he wanted to do.

In a new space, Joshua needed time to adjust. He settled into Jeonghan’s apartment and began attending school, keeping his head low the first year, managing his good grades the only way he knew how: Ibuprofen and coffee. His reputation as the overachieving newbie snagged him a job as TA for Professor Moon his senior year. The bar of expectation was one Joshua could meet easily, even if he had to stay up for three straight nights practicing his high jump. In Korea, he felt free from the watchful eye of his parents, far enough away to figure things out for himself without worrying about bringing anyone home and putting on any shows. Things were finally starting to feel normal once again.

Then Lee Seokmin was seen staring at him in front of the quad in the fall of his senior year.

Joshua caught the awkward brunette staring at him while he was ending a phone call with his mother, watching him full sprint back inside when they made eye contact. The nameless individual disappeared within the crowd of students before he could even step back inside. There wasn’t enough time to go searching for him now, despite how curious he was. Chalking it up to a cute encounter, Joshua made his way towards his next class.

That wasn’t the last time Joshua had seen Lee Seokmin, in fact, the encounters only doubled. He was friends with students in the classes he worked for, and lived a few blocks away from his most frequented convenience store. Very few art pieces in all of the museums Joshua has been to in his life compared to the side profile of this brunette on campus. Joshua felt the breath hitch in his throat when Seokmin opened his mouth to talk, fumbling over his words when realizing he bought the last of the chicken ramen in the store. He felt fireworks going off in his entire body whenever Seokmin took his hand, the feeling remaining even after the both of them parted.

Lee Seokmin drove Joshua’s mind into a frenzy. He didn’t realize how hard someone could fall for another person after only meeting them a handful of times, but he couldn’t get Seokmin out of his mind. Sentences in his textbooks melted into questions Seokmin asked him that day, that toothy grin etched so deeply into his brain that even the toughest of diagrams couldn’t break through. Joshua had to hold himself back from doodling the guy’s name on someone’s essay! When Joshua heard Seokmin laugh, it felt like a sin not to smile back because he was just so damn beautiful and contagious. Joshua wanted to be around Seokmin all the time.

So, when he offered to help prepare Seokmin’s lines for the auditions, he meant it. It came with a problem, however. How would move his busy midterm study schedule to accommodate a few hours of freedom? He eyed his calendar for any little spot, any opening that he could squeeze Seokmin into because he wanted to see him so badly. Guess I’ll start my all-nighter’s a bit earlier this term.

“Sunday evening. I can hang out Sunday evening, I’ll make it work.”

Seokmin looked shocked, but a glimmer of excitement in his eyes was enough to cement the offer. “Are you sure?”

“As long as it’s not too late, yes, I’m sure.” And it was set.

The night before seeing Seokmin, Joshua stayed up the entire time, working to make sure he wouldn’t fall behind in his work for Professor Moon or in his classes. From 10 p.m. to 10 a.m., he lived on coffee and adrenaline much as he always did, a tissue discarded from the nosebleed he had to tend to from 2-2:30. No big deal, just another obstacle.

At 5 that morning, however, after sending a confirmation text to Seokmin, Joshua sat on the couch to relax and didn’t remember anything else. The next thing he remembered was Jeonghan shaking him awake, eyebrows furrowed in annoyance. Joshua’s eyes snapped open and he sat up.

“What time is it?” he gasped, eyes still glazed over as he woke up.

“5,” Jeonghan said. “Didn’t you have somewhere to be?” Joshua’s paled.

“Oh, fuck.” Hopping off the couch, Joshua hurried into his room to throw on the first few things he could find in his closet and took off out the door. Seokmin forgave him that time, he was lucky. But it didn’t stop there. Joshua was going to head to Seokmin’s audition when Professor Moon pulled him aside, asking him to get a head start on creating a test for the next unit. Joshua was able to create a fleshed-out and comprehensive test in under an hour. Not a problem, right?

Joshua sat down in the back of the lecture hall to get to work, and he didn’t remember anything else. All he remembers is blinking a few extra times and realizing he was still sitting in front of the computer. While the test was finished, auditions had already been going on for about an hour. Joshua found himself racing across campus, head pounding from the intense stare he must have given the screen. But he was still too late.

Joshua was unable to be the perfect anything to Seokmin. He could only play the part so much, gentle smiles and warm embraces to keep Seokmin at his side. But in reality, he was floundering and he didn’t know what to do about it. It would only be a matter of time before Seokmin was the one to call him out on his facade. He would rip the perfect mask off, stomp it under his heel, and storm away, leaving Joshua alone and imperfect.

Despite this, however, Seokmin still stayed by Joshua’s side. He still smiled when Joshua complimented him, and he still blushed when the duo bumped elbows. It was perfect, he was perfect. Joshua almost envied how perfect Lee Seokmin was. It hurt Joshua even more knowing he caused Seokmin so much pain in only a few months.

Seokmin had just come to see Joshua during one of his discussions, shy but smiling just as he always was. Joshua’s heart was in a vice grip. He’d popped an Ibuprofen to hopefully soothe the throbbing in his brain. Seeing the smile he’d grown to adore fall from Seokmin’s face, hurt worse than any headache he’d ever experienced.

In hopes of soothing his brain, Joshua had convinced Jeonghan to sit and make bracelets together with him. They’d been at it for an hour, and so far, no luck, his mind still racing with a million and one thoughts. They worked in silence for a long time, before Joshua finally paused his work on the bracelet. “He’s too good for me, Jeonghan. I don’t deserve him.”

Jeonghan was silent for a long time, stringing a few random colors onto the cord in his grip. He turned to Joshua and said: “Joshua, that’s not true.” Eyes softening, Jeonghan shifted in his seat and looked at the younger of the two. “We’re at that point in our lives where relationships are going to get harder. Being in a relationship is supposed to make life enjoyable, not painful. You need balance.” When Joshua didn’t reply, Jeonghan continued: “But you won’t get balance, in a relationship or anything, if you keep this whole studying nonsense up while trying to manage a relationship.”

Joshua glanced over. “I….” He sighed. “I know.”

Jeonghan leaned forward. “Where do you see yourself in the future?”

The question left him speechless. He was no longer standing on the same race track he had in the past. Joshua could push all he wanted, but the finish line in this long and painful race was no longer in his sights. “Teaching.” That was all he could say. “Like I’ve always planned.”

“Not with Seokmin?”

“That too.” he added. “I would hope…”

Jeonghan hummed. “Well, when I look at you, I see a really successful teacher. One who changes lives and makes an impact.” Joshua smiled a bit. “Want to know what I don’t see?” He scooted closer, plucking the bead from his friend's fingers, only to use it on his own. Joshua pouted. “I don’t see someone whose path in life will crumble at his feet just because of a point or two off a test, or a missing homework assignment. But you don’t let yourself have that break, that’s why you’re at this crossroads with Seokmin. You want to be perfect in to many areas. You need that balance, need to discard some of the burden.”

Joshua felt his eyes sting; with a sigh, he leaned back against the chair. “Jeonghan…” his voice was trembling. “It sounds so easy when you say it that way…I wish I could say it that easily…”

Jeonghan hummed. “Let me do it for now, then…I’ll carry that burden until it isn’t a burden anymore.” Jeonghan offered. “And if I’m not around to say it, then Seokmin will take my place, no question. He wants to be in your life. I can see how much he means to you. And I can see how much you mean to him. He’s crazy about you, Joshua….”

“You think?” Joshua asked, feeling the cracks in his heart mend just a bit. Jeonghan smiled.

“But before you can handle any of that, you need to take a good look at yourself and decide what you need to have in your life to be happy.” He nestled himself up to Joshua and flashed a playful grin. “I’ll get you started. Number one: me. You’re stuck with me forever.” Joshua, for the first time since sitting down to make the bracelets, felt his nose crinkle and a genuine laugh escape his lips.

After his talk with Jeonghan, Joshua was trying to focus on his studies, on his discussions, on himself, but he couldn’t. The entire time he was thinking of Seokmin, of just how upset he must feel. Most of his late nights were spent just staring at his screen, eyes bloodshot and strained. He could barely close his eyes without his head falling heavy onto the desk, the contact of his skull and the wood snapping him awake for another few hours. It went on for weeks; he stayed home from school because it felt as if his body was glued to his desk chair. If he was going to be a disappointment to Seokmin in the shadows, he needed to be a respectable student in the daylight. There needed to be some gain if he was at risk of losing so much.

The day Seokmin visited, Joshua could barely feel the things around him. His fingers could barely type, and his eyes could barely focus. Coffee wasn’t enough, and he had only managed to sleep for an hour before his body woke up in a cold sweat and a panic. However, when Seokmin was staring at him through his door frame, Joshua felt a light switch in his body trying desperately to flick on. He tried to look presentable for him, to smile for him, and listen to whatever it was he came over to say. He could barely register any string of words, but he knew he wanted to hear it. A few Ibuprofens and a vocalized plea for them to kill him were just enough to keep him grounded so Seokmin could speak.

He didn’t expect the nosebleed, however. Or to stagger into the bathroom and stare at his reflection. He didn’t expect to see two of himself in the bathroom mirror, or for his legs to buckle when he tried to turn back around and head into the living room. He also didn’t expect to fall over and for everything to turn dark for a few minutes. But at least he was finally able to sleep.

The only thing he remembers is opening his eyes just barely, feeling something cold on his forehead. His eyes were blurry, and the ringing in his ears made it feel as though they would burst any moment. He could hear very faint speaking, but he could barely make out who was sitting beside him. It felt like he was looking through a kaleidoscope.

“Hit his head….yes….it’s unlocked….he has a…..and a….okay…. hurry.”

And he doesn’t remember much else.

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It felt as if someone was pounding a hammer in Joshua’s skull, right between the eyes. He groaned, unsuccessful at squeezing the throbbing sensation out through his ears. As his body began waking up, he felt a sting in his arm. His head lolled to the side, where he saw a large tube leading up to an IV bag. When he opened his mouth, it was incredibly dry, and he wasn’t able to speak until he licked his lips and swallowed a few times.

Joshua sat up in bed, looking down at the needle in his arm connected to the IV. His eyes scanned the room he was in, a single-person hospital room. The sun was barely poking from behind the skyscrapers that surrounded them, spilling into the little couch on the other end of the room. When his hand went up to his head, he felt something soft. Turning to the nearest mirror, a large white bandage was wrapped around his forehead. His nose wasn’t bleeding anymore. That’s a plus. “What the hell happened?”

Shifting in bed was harder to do than expected; the throbbing in his head felt as if the hammer had been replaced with a chainsaw. Great. Just perfect. He thought to himself. Searching for a call button led Joshua’s eyes to land on something else, something that made his breath hitch and his brain start rewinding the tapes in his head of how he ended up here.

On the other side of his bed, closer to the skyline view, Seokmin had his head resting on the bed. His eyes were closed tight as if to fight back against whatever nightmare was plaguing him. Joshua immediately leaned forward and pressed a hand gently into Seokmin’s hair. Fingers threaded gently among Seokmin’s locks, and within minutes, the twisted, pained look on Seokmin’s face began to soften. He finally began sleeping with a content look etched into each one of his perfect features. Joshua smiled a bit.

It was still early; a nurse wouldn’t come to the room for another few hours. So, Joshua passed the time in silence, his hand tangled in Seokmin’s soft locks long after he had found peace in his dreams.

Joshua Hong, the man whose name was always melded within ‘perfect’ to the point he thought they were the same word, had a thought cross his mind.

Joshua spent his entire life trying to embody the word ‘perfect’, while Lee Seokmin filled the role naturally. Joshua wanted to be jealous, but as he looked at the sleeping man at his bedside, he could only hope that the word hadn’t wormed its way into Seokmin’s life and forced him to maintain such high expectations, as it did for Joshua. He wanted better for Seokmin.

Seokmin was like an open book, one Joshua wanted to keep reading over and over again, keeping note of each of his favorite parts to reference back to later. He wanted to find all of Seokmin’s deeper meanings and his ideals. Cover to cover, Joshua wanted to understand the entire story that was Lee Seokmin.

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animeniacss · 3 months ago

Text

Seoksoo - imperfect - Part 1 - Chapter 20 - I Love You

Length: approx. 6.9k words

Chapter 20 - I Love You

“I’m so glad we’re done with finals!” Mingyu groaned in relief, tossing his backpack on the other side of the apartment. Seokmin and Seungkwan followed behind, Seungkwan following Mingyu’s action, but not as violently. Seokmin simply tossed his bag at his feet. “Christmas break, here I come!”

“I still need to finish Christmas shopping.” Seungcheol spoke, scrolling through the internet for things he could hopefully still order in time to wrap for the holidays. Mingyu rolled his eyes.

“Seokmin, is everything ready for this weekend?” Seokmin nodded.

“Yeah. I got one of the bigger rooms so everyone can fit!”

Seungcheol smiled. “Can you tell Mingyu to throw me nice parties like this for my birthday?” He teased, earning a playful shove from his boyfriend.

“I’ll be able to afford nice parties when you finally stop keeping me from my dream job of being a stripper.” When Seungcheol whipped his head around, Mingyu smirked, leaning over the back of the couch on his elbows.

“You said we were done with that conversation!” Seungkwan and Seokmin shared a glance as the duo bickered, Seokmin unable to hide his amused grin while Seungkwan’s face resembled something closer to slight disgust.

“Anyway.” Seungkwan turned to Seokmin. “Is Joshua-hyung excited?”

“I hope so.” Seokmin scratched the back of his neck. “I just want it to be nice. It must be hard to not have family around for your birthday.” Seungkwan nodded, nestling closer to his friend, almost as if he was about to share a personal secret just for the two of them.

“Are you going to do it?”

Seokmin needed a second to register what he was just asked. “Sorry. What?”

“Tell him how you feel.” Oh. “Before the break starts and you don’t see him for like…three weeks.” Seungkwan was right. With Seokmin being home for Christmas and picking up extra hours when he came back, who knew when he would see Joshua over the break. This night together might just be his last chance. Seokmin’s cheeks turned redder the closer Seungkwan leaned against him. “What was it you said? “It’s in the books! I’ll confess if I get the lead!” or something?” The younger grinned, a mischievous glint in the smile. “I’m only trying to keep you honest, Hyung.”

“Ah. Well…” he was at a loss for words, Seungkwan cementing his unannounced victory with a proud hum. Seokmin only offered a little chuckle. “I know what I’m going to do…”

That was a lie, but Seungkwan thankfully didn’t press him for any further information.

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“You’re not putting me in a blindfold, Seokmin.” Joshua seemed pretty adamant as the duo stood outside of Seokmin’s apartment. The younger frowned, holding up the black handkerchief.

“What? Why?”

“Many reasons. One: we aren’t at the karaoke bar yet. Two: I’ll get motion sick on the car ride. Two and a half: I’m driving. Three: I already know where we’re going. Four: I’m not into that.” Seokmin blushed at the last reason. Defeated, he stuffed the handkerchief in his pocket. “Sorry.” Joshua smiled. “Ready to go?”

Seokmin nodded, and the duo made their way to the car. Seokmin sank into the passenger’s seat, looking up at the sky as Joshua set the car into reverse and pulled from the parking space. The sky was cloudy today, tones of gray bunched together overhead. “I heard it’s supposed to snow tonight.”

“That’d be nice.” Joshua hummed. “I’d love some snow for Christmas. It doesn’t snow often in Los Angeles. The weather’s too warm.”

Seokmin caught Joshua leaning forward against the steering wheel a bit, peering out the window when they slowed to a stop. “Well, then I’m sure it’ll snow this year.”

Joshua smiled. “I hope so.” He continued following the GPS to the karaoke bar, while Seokmin was getting messages from his friends as they arrived. Jeonghan and Nayeon went to pick up the cake, Mingyu and Seungcheol arrived to secure the room, and Seungkwan and Hansol were setting up the decorations. Seokmin had left his birthday gift in the apartment, as a back-up to keep Joshua with him a few extra minutes, in case he didn’t say anything while they were out. “I’m really excited for this.” Joshua admitted. “I can’t remember the last time I really had a birthday party.”

“You don’t?” Joshua shook his head.

“I mean, I had friends over in high school. My parents always took me on a trip over Christmas break. But I think I stopped having birthday parties when I was maybe 12 or 13.” He shrugged. “We just stopped planning them. So, I’m excited.”

“I hope I made it a good one, then.” Seokmin leaned back in his seat. Joshua chuckled.

“Trust me, whatever you have set up will be great!”

Most of the group had already arrived by the time Seokmin and Joshua found a parking spot. Heading inside, the first thing he saw was Seungkwan perched on one of the chairs, sipping his iced coffee and scrolling through his phone. When he heard the door open, he smiled. “Finally! We were waiting!” He hurried up to the duo. “Everything is set – you said he’d been blindfolded!”

“You told everyone you were blindfolding me?” Joshua smirked when Seokmin looked away, face blooming red in embarrassment. He stuck his hand out. “Give me the blindfold.”

“No, forget it, you’ll be surprised anyway.” Seokmin said simply. Joshua chuckled under his breath, reaching out to take the others hand in his own before Seungkwan motioned them down the hall. Seokmin thanked the worker at the front desk, and the trio entered the room.

With Seokmin picking up a few extra hours at the store, and dipping a bit into his summer savings, he was able to book one of the bigger, nicer rooms in the karaoke bar. The lights were dimmed a bit, a slight blue hue transforming it into an underwater wonderland. Mingyu and Seungcheol were stringing up the last of the balloons on the far corner, while Vernon and Nayeon were laying out the snacks. Jeonghan was resting on the couch behind Nayeon, leaning forward and guiding verbally, almost dictating where everything should be placed until Nayeon nudged him and he giggled. Junhui and Minghao were already skimming through the book of songs, Minghao showing a visible look of confusion at whatever it was Junhui was suggesting.

“Wow.” Joshua smiled. “This is so cool!” Seokmin immediately felt a sense of pride, any worry of Joshua’s reaction melting away within seconds. With newfound confidence, he headed to greet Jeonghan, the duo sharing a quick hello. Seokmin saw Nayeon hop up and hurry over.

“My friends are on their way. Thank you for saying they could come.”

Seokmin grinned. “Of course! The room holds a lot of people. Besides, Jihyo and Dahyun are my friends, too. I’m glad they were able to come.” Nayeon gripped Seokmin’s hands happily, finally leaning in.

“Joshua looks so happy! I think this is going to go so well, Seokmin.” She was beaming; the positive energy radiating onto Seokmin immediately. “You two are so cute!”

“Oh, come on!” Seokmin gasped. A sudden pat on his shoulder, and he turned to see Seungkwan. He was already passing him a microphone.

“Are we going to stand around looking hot or are we going to sing?” He asked. Seokmin took the microphone and, with a flash of an eager grin, the boys headed to the Ipad that allowed them to choose their songs.

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It didn’t take long for the room to unfold into complete chaos. Seokmin had taken a step back a few songs in for Chaeyoung and Dahyun to have a turn. The duo was singing a Taylor Swift song at the top of their lungs, encouraged by all of their friends cheering and screaming the lyrics along with them. Seokmin was watching from the couch, waving a glow stick prop alongside Vernon. He felt a nudge to his leg, turning to see Joshua lean over to him with one of the song menus.

“What are you going to sing?” His voice was low as he leaned in close, sending a shiver up Seokmin’s spine. Lovestruck eyes darted from Joshua’s lips to his hands, then up to his eyes, then his lips, followed by his toned chest and those lips, and-.

“Uh, I don’t know.” Seokmin turned back to the performance in front of him. “I haven’t picked yet.” Joshua looked over at him and Seokmin could have sworn he saw an amused smirk on the other’s fucking lips. Chaeyoung and Dahyun’s song came to an end, and the room erupted into applause as the score flashed on the screen.

“80?!” Chaeyoung’s eyes widened. “No way! This thing’s rigged!” Dahyun laughed behind her hand.

“It’s not a Taylor Swift fan!” Dahyun pointed to the screen. Slightly annoyed, the duo turned to the couch, offering up the microphones. “Who wants to go next?”

Seungkwan stood up, grinning at Seokmin. He took microphones and immediately handed one off. “I think it’s time. Shall we?” he asked. The glint in his eyes immediately translated to Seokmin. Maybe it was because they had been roommates for two years, or that they were the ones most likely to frequent karaoke bars together, but the hive mind was working, and Seokmin shot up like a bullet.

“We have to!” He said. A chuckle behind him, and he turned to see Joshua popping a few potato chips in his mouth.

“What are you singing?” he hummed.

Seungkwan spoke up for both of them. “Candy in My Ear by Baek Ji Young and Taecyeon!” Joshua hummed, his face indicating he hadn’t heard of the song before.

“It’s our go to karaoke song.” Seokmin added. Joshua nodded, leaning back in his seat.

“Taecyeon is so beautiful.” Nayeon sighed to herself.

“Tell me about it.” Jeonghan said, the couple high-fiving in their shared attraction to the idol. Seokmin and Seungkwan pulled the song up as Mingyu passed over a comically large pair of sunglasses to Seokmin.

“You’ll need these.” He grinned. Seokmin took the orange glasses, putting them on. He heard the snap of a camera, turning his head to see Joshua holding his phone. He was grinning.

“You look so cute!” He called. He had grabbed a glow stick from the table, holding it up with Vernon, Junhui, and Minghao in support of the duo. Seokmin blushed, turning back to the large TV as the song began. The second the first few notes began, Seungkwan looked at Seokmin with confident eyes.

“Choreography?”

“I’d be offended if we didn’t.” Seokmin grinned. Almost immediately following Seungkwan’s very high-pitched ‘La La La’s, Taecyeon’s verse started up and Seokmin put the microphone to his mouth to sing. The room broke into a mix of laughter and cheers almost immediately, and Seokmin’s entire body swelled with a rush of adrenaline. He was in his element right now, everything felt great. He watched Seungkwan approach him dramatically, and without missing a beat, pressed himself up against Seokmin so they could dramatically step in time together and share one microphone to sing.

Saranghae (Saranghae)

I love you (I love you)

Seokmin saw Seungkwan shoot him a suggestive glance, and he laughed behind the microphone for a second. Then, the youngers eyes shot a glance at the couch, and following it meant Seokmin was staring directly at Joshua. He was grinning behind his hand, one leg crossed over the other as he watched the performance in front of him. Seokmin looked back to his singing partner as the second verse approached and Seungkwan prepared to dramatically press up against Seokmin one more time.

Maybe it was the adrenaline, or the fact that it was dim in the room. Maybe it was Seungkwan’s constant motioning over to Joshua without any of the audience noticing. Maybe it was because Seokmin had the most confidence when he was singing with no constructs. Nobody was judging him right now, or ranking him for a role. He could just perform. Maybe it was all of those things, or maybe it was none of them, but when Seungkwan got close, for the next verse, he felt a surge of confidence hit him in the chest.

Saranghae (Saranghae)

I love you (I love you)

When Seokmin uttered the echo in his verse, he turned to the audience, shooting a finger heart in Joshua’s direction. The older one’s eyes widened, going slack jawed as Junhui and Seungcheol began shoving him and screaming, as if he were just perceived by his favorite idol. Even in the dim lights, Seokmin saw his cheeks burn pink. A gummy smile broke on Vernon’s face as he leaned into Mingyu, body shaking in a fit of laughter. Seokmin’s cheeks immediately turned red, focus redirecting back to the screen in front of him. Not before he caught the stunned grin on Seungkwan’s face. The rest of the song was performed as expected, with choreography and dramatic singing. However, when the song ended and the room erupted into applause, Seokmin covered his face. Seungkwan hurried up to him and shook his shoulders.

“That was so fucking smart!” There was glee in Seungkwan’s voice. “That was so cute!”

“I cannot believe I did that! I think I blacked out.” Seokmin whispered. “Is he staring?”

“Oh, hell yeah. He looks lovestruck!” Seungkwan whispered. “Look at you go!” Seokmin put the microphone on the table, the duo turning towards their score as it flashed. “100!” Seungkwan grinned, turning back to Seokmin. “As usual!”

Seokmin looked at the score and the cheering female model beside it. Maybe he was overthinking, but her repeated thumbs up motion felt directed at him. But not for the performance. He needed to sit down. Turning to the couch, he was stunned at what he saw.

Chaeyoung and Mina were cuddled on the couch beside Sana, whose legs were outstretched over Jihyo’s lap. Tzuyu was cross legged beside them. Nayeon had pulled her own legs up to her side as she leaned into Jeonghan, who literally just put two bowls of chips beside him. Mingyu and Seungcheol -broad as they are - had no problem taking up a lot of space on the couch. Seungkwan sat beside Vernon, nestled close with the others’ arm draped behind him. Junhui and Minghao were shuffling to claim the far corner of the couch. That only left Seokmin with two spots…..

Both beside Joshua.

Mentally cursing his friends, he plopped himself down on the couch, and Joshua immediately leaned against him. He looked over and saw the older grinning.

“You did great!” He said. “That was really good!” Maybe it was because he was already overstimulated with what he just did, but he could have sworn Joshua had hearts in his eyes, staring at Seokmin with endless fondness.

“You think so?” Joshua nodded. “Thank you…” Despite his heart running a million miles a minute, he couldn’t help but smile as the next song got started.

“Oh, and you still have the glasses on.” Joshua pushed the orange glasses up Seokmin’s nose a bit. Seokmin laughed shyly. “Take a photo.” He grabbed his phone, pulling it out and opening up his camera to focus on himself. He snapped a quick picture of himself in the glasses. Almost immediately, Joshua leaned his head in, holding up his glow stick and smiling. Seokmin chuckled a bit, snapping a few pictures of the both of them as well. Joshua chuckled. “I like that one. Send it to me.” Seokmin nodded.

As the song played, Joshua handed him one of the props on the table, and set one of the bowls of chips between them. When Seokmin opened his mouth to question, Joshua put his finger to his own lips. “These are my favorite chips. I’m only going to share them with people who tell me they love me in song.”

The low, borderline flirtatious tone Joshua used when he leaned in close made Seokmin almost internally combust, and he immediately turned his gaze back to the girls as they began singing because if he looked at Joshua any longer, he might just give a full Shakespearean confession right then and there in front of everyone.

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The rest of the night continued in the same fashion: a microphone rotating among the couch so everyone could sing. All different types of genres were thrown around; from well-known pop songs to drama OSTs to western musical artists, the room was buzzing with music and cheers for hours. Seokmin’s throat was scratchy by the time they had to vacate the room, exhausted from all of the singing he did. Luckily, there wasn’t much food left, and most of the garbage was easily discarded as they headed out.

Nayeon’s friend group split from the group once the night came to an end, warm holiday wishes spreading through the crowd with a few hugs. Jihyo and Dahyun squeezed Seokmin just before heading out the front door. “Good luck.” Jihyo whispered to him. Seokmin blushed a bit, nodding his head. He mouthed a little ‘thank you’ when he saw Joshua approaching to say his own farewells to the girls. Seokmin caught Dahyun offer him a supportive thumbs up and a grin. His mind flashed back to that female karaoke model.

The group exited the karaoke bar around midnight just in time for the first specs of snowflakes to flutter down from the thick, gray clouds. Seokmin’s neck craned up to look, the sound of his friends excited murmurs fluttering around him. His first thought was to turn to Joshua, but his attention was grabbed by Seungkwan.

“Aw, no. My gloves have a hole in them.” There was a pout on his friend’s face as he tugged the gloves off and stuck them in his pocket. His friend was not fond of the cold by any means, complaining about the chilly weather since the first leaf fell of a tree in October. Seokmin immediately tugged his off, passing them over. Seungkwan seemed confused for a second, but Seokmin only pushed them closer.

“Here. I’ll be okay.” Seungkwan glanced at Hansol, the same idea seemingly in his head as his gloves were already half off. “Oh.”

Any tension that may have threatened the trio was melted away almost immediately when Seungkwan reached out and took Seokmin’s gloves, slipping them on his hands. “Thanks, Hyung.” His smile was full of fondness.

“Of course.” Hansol was already slipping his gloves on, seemingly unphased. “Now you two can hold hands.”

“We would’ve done that anyway.” Seungkwan chimed, wasting no time interlocking his newly gloved fingers with Hansol’s.

With his hands immediately exposed to the chill of the snow, Seokmin watched as a snowflake fell onto his hand, evaporating against the warmth of his skin. Making the rest of his body warm by fixing his scarf and jacket, Seokmin balled his hands together.

“Ah…hyung!” He turned to Joshua, who was still staring up at the snow as it fell around him. Seokmin fell quiet for a second, the view before him enough to distract from his chilled hands. Straight out of a painting, Joshua’s side profile as he took in the sight of the snow was breath-taking. Wide, doe-eyes watched each snowflake fall around him, enveloping him in a serene and beautiful winter wonderland. When Joshua finally turned to him, Seokmin smiled a bit, taking his arm. “It’s snowing! Like you wanted!”

“I know.” His smile was equally as big. “Maybe I should be a meteorologist or something. Add it to that growing list of random skills I’ve been accumulating.” Seokmin laughed a bit. Joshua looked down at the hand still wrapped around his arm. “Your gloves.” He pointed out. “Your hands are going to be cold.”

“I’m okay.” He assured. “Seungkwan’s had a hole in them.”

“Last time you said you’d be ok, you got sick.” Joshua frowned. A deep groan escaped Mingyu’s throat, interrupting Joshua’s worries.

“I’m starving. Do you think there’s any street vendors open still?”

“We just ate non-stop for like four hours.” Vernon stared up at the taller male in shock. Mingyu only laughed a bit.

“I think there’s a Bungeoppang vendor a few blocks back.” Seungcheol chimed in, grinning when he saw the excited look on Mingyu’s face. The idea of a delicious red-bean fish cake seemed to be agreed upon for most, and they followed Seungcheol’s directions to the vendor.

The walk was filled with idle chatter mainly about the night of karaoke and how delicious the cake was – Jeonghan cheekily said ‘you’re welcome’ when that came up. As they walked, Seokmin simply listened. Not because he had nothing to say, but because he wanted to. The night thus far had been perfect, and hearing everyone else agree made his heart swell with pride. He rubbed his hands together, feeling the chill of the winter air once again. Everyone else around him were either holding hands like Seungkwan and Vernon, or linked arm and arm like Nayeon and Jeonghan. He looked down at his own hands, stuffing them into the pockets of his jacket.

A tap on his shoulder, and when he looked over, Joshua was pulling off his glove. He passed it over, and Seokmin furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. “Take it. For that hand.” He motioned to Seokmin’s right hand. Despite still being confused, he slipped the glove on and held his hand up, wiggling his finger. Joshua laughed in amusement, but wasted no time taking his own gloveless hand and interlocking it with Seokmin’s, slipping them into the pocket of his own jacket. Seokmin’s face flushed almost immediately, feeling his hand warm up almost instantly when the pad of Joshua’s thumb swiped over his knuckles.

“Alright, that was smooth.” Seokmin said shyly. Joshua grinned proudly as Seokmin settled close to his side. The group arrived at the vendor, where an older gentleman eagerly welcomed the large crowd of college students. Seokmin watched from the back as his friends ordered.

“I’m going to get the chocolate one.” Joshua said. “You?”

“I don’t know if I’ll be able to finish an entire one.”

“Yeah, me either after all that cake. Want to split one?” Seokmin nodded his head in agreement, watching as Joshua leaned forward to order for the both of them. Seokmin noticed Junhui and Minghao offering sly grins in his direction as they nibbled on their own pastries.

Their fingers brushed together when half of the pastry was handed over, Seokmin’s skin feeling as though it was on fire despite being exposed to the cold. When he took a bite, the pastry tasted much more delicious than he could have ever imagined, but maybe that was because he was enjoying it with Joshua. The older glanced over at him. “It’s good!” Joshua gasped.

Yes, that was definitely what made it taste particularly delicious.

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The groups parted for good once returning to the karaoke bar parking lot, saying their final farewells and birthday wishes to Joshua before scattering for the holidays. Seungkwan nudged Seokmin when the two of them were alone. “I’ll go home with Vernon, okay?” he grinned.

Seokmin couldn’t help but smile back. “I don’t need to know that.” Seungkwan’s grin immediately fell to an unamused glare.

“Okay, rude. I was going to wish you good luck, but-.” Seokmin laughed a bit, tugging Seungkwan into a friendly side hug that was warmly returned. “But honestly, you don’t even need it. You basically confessed already.”

“Oh, jeez.” Seokmin bushed as the memory flooded into his brain again. “That was not how I wanted to do it.” Seungkwan laughed in amusement, rubbing his hyung’s shoulder in reassurance.

“I’m sure the actual one will be just fine too. I don’t think Joshua’s stopped swooning at your finger heart since. He’s begging you to confess without saying it.” Seokmin chuckled as Vernon approached, the duo waving goodbye before heading down the street to try and hail a cab. Jeonghan and Nayeon had the same idea, heading for a little stroll together in the snow before heading home. When Seokmin and Joshua were alone, the older opened the passenger’s seat of the car and smiled.

“Shall we?” he asked.

The ride was quiet for the first few minutes. Seokmin had returned his glove to Joshua once the car warmed up. He looked over at the driver, studying his features. “I’m glad you had a good time.”

“A great time.” Joshua smiled. “We have to do it again! It was really fun.”

“We should!”

“You looked like you were having a blast!” Seokmin felt his cheeks heat up at Joshua’s comment, nodding his head.

“Yeah, I was.” He said. “I get a bit too much when I do karaoke, I think.”

“Too much?” Joshua seemed shocked. “No way! You were amazing! It was nice seeing you have so much fun.” Seokmin’s heart skipped a beat then began pounding in his chest, feeling as if his entire body was going to explode if his heart beat didn’t slow down. He sat back in his seat, allowing the car to fall into another comfortable silence. Then, Joshua chuckled and cheekily commented: “I specifically loved your performance of…what was it? Candy in My Ear?”

Embarrassment came and made Seokmin cover his face. “Please, if you’re going to talk about that one, let me get out of the car and stand in front of it so you can run me over.” Joshua threw his head against the back of his seat to laugh. “I don’t know what came over me. I didn’t want to tell you in that way.”

The pregnant pause that followed Seokmin’s comment was enough to make him truly register what he just said. When he looked over to Joshua, he had stopped laughing, staring at him.

“Tell me what?” his voice was soft. Seokmin’s hands dropped to his lap, and he looked out the window. “Seokmin?”

“You already know…” he said softly, also embarrassed. He began picking at his fingernails, pressing his fingers together. “Everyone says it’s obvious…and I don’t know if I can say it…” He felt the car slow to a stop, and when Seokmin looked up, he realized they were already in front of his apartment. That gave him less time, and he was already striking out with each word that came from his lips. The car shutting off got Seokmin to look at Joshua, and he shifted in his seat.

“You can try.” He said with an amused smile. “If it’s what I think it is, I’d rather hear it from you instead of a song anyway…”

A nervous tongue swiped shaking lips, and Seokmin wondered if he should just say nothing. Keep his mouth shut. Hold all of these feelings back because it felt much less scary when compared to the alternative. But he couldn’t do that. Eyes cast up to the sky from the window, he watched as the snow fell around them. His eyes landed on the front door of his apartment building. For a second, he wanted to run from the car, into his apartment, slam the door and curl up into a ball until this incessant nausea finally went away: but his feet refused to move. “Sorry.” He finally gasped. “I don’t really know how to…how to say it. It’s stupid.”

“I’m sure it's not stupid.” He assured. Seokmin saw him lean closer. “What is it?”

Nervous eyes scanned Joshua’s face as his cheeks heated up. “I just…” His gaze moved from Joshua to the stars in the sky that he could see from inside the car. For a second, he hoped that there would be a new constellation written in the stars to guide him through this. But there was nothing; he had to do this himself. There was nothing that could tell him what or say or how to say it, because nothing and nobody could explain it better than he could right now. Finally, with the words of encouragement from his friends acting as the shove he needed, he locked eyes with Joshua and took one final deep breath.

“I think – no – I don’t think. I-.” a frustrated sigh cut through, but he turned to Joshua and finally uttered: “I love you…” Once the words left his lips, it was like a damn in his mouth broke and he just kept talking. “I love you a lot. I’ve liked you since we met, but I recently realized that I’ve…loved you, you know? Maybe I’m overthinking it, because we’ve never said anything about it. But we do things like hold hands and flirt and…I really like it but I don’t want to overthink things and then be wrong.” He paused, adding: “But then the more I think about it, the more I think of the way you look at me sometimes…like…like…” he looked up to see a familiar expression of fondness on Joshua’s face. “Like that!” Joshua chuckled. “….I just don’t want to mess anything up which is why I’ve been really nervous to say anything because I don’t want you to hate me. I really don’t want you to hate me. But, I think I’m rambling now, and if I keep going I think I'll say something I’ll regret so…yeah. That’s it.”

Silence. The longest silence of Lee Seokmin’s life. He hated it; wanted to disappear into a hole where nobody would find him and hibernate until this entire interaction was long forgotten about. He looked at Joshua as he shifted more in his seat to get a better look at him. Seokmin let out a shaky breath. Joshua ran a hand through his hair, and when he opened his mouth, all he said was a simple: “I love you, too, Seokmin.”

Seokmin felt his breath catch in his throat. Those five, little words floated into his ears, through his brain, down his spine and wrapped themselves around his heart in an attempt to calm its frantic beating. “…Y-yeah?” Seokmin choked out.

“I don’t know if I can say it in as many words as you did off the cuff, but yes. I do.”

Seokmin let out a chuckle of disbelief. “Oh, come on. That was nothing but rambling.”

“It was.” Joshua clarified. “But it was adorable rambling; a completely different thing.” His eyebrows furrowed a bit, and Seokmin waited with baited breath for his next comment. “I only have one question for you.”

“O-okay.” Seokmin said shakily. Joshua leaned forward a bit, reaching out and taking his hands. Seokmin could feel the warmth in his touch as he looked to meet Joshua’s gaze.

“Can I kiss you?”

Seokmin almost fell over. “W-what?”

“Can I…kiss you? You know, like-.” He playfully puckered his lips for a second. Seokmin offered a shy giggle. “I’ve wanted to since like-.”

“Yes.” Seokmin blushed at the eager response that slipped past his lips.

“…Yeah?” Joshua beamed when Seokmin offered a shy nod. Pulling their intertwined hands closer to him tugged Seokmin as close as possible sitting on opposite sides of the car. Finally, finally, after what felt like years of waiting in the span of 4 months, Joshua leaned in and kissed Seokmin.

This was not Seokmin’s first kiss. He kissed a few girls in school plays, and once kissed Mingyu on a dare in high school. Romantically, however, Seokmin had only kissed his previous boyfriend a few times; brief pecks under the stairs before parting ways for class. Those kisses made him feel like he was floating one moment, then confused the next. At the time, though, it felt as though they were everything, all he was ever going to get. All he deserved.

But this…was an experience. Joshua’s lips were soft despite being exposed to the dry cold for the past few hours. Seokmin’s entire body felt electric, warmth blooming deep in his chest and stomach. He had been wondering what this moment would feel like for so long, anxious overthinking and comparison to that of romance novels. But this was not a scene written on paper for anyone to open and read; this was real. To Lee Seokmin, this was finally happening, and it was real.

It took Seokmin a few nervous seconds to realize he had yet to actually kiss back, leaning into the kiss. He wondered if Joshua could feel how much his hands were shaking, because the grip on them tightened a little bit.

When the duo pulled away, locking eyes, Seokmin felt his heart rate spike. He immediately pulled his hands back, covering his face. Turning his head, tears pricked shaky eyes and his cheeks felt like they were boiling under his hands. “What’s wrong?” Joshua asked softly.

“Nothing.” Seokmin choked out. “My heart’s just pounding a million miles a minute and I’m really happy. That’s all.” Joshua laughed a bit, encouraging Seokmin to peek out from behind his hands.

"Good. I was worried you were crying because the kiss was bad. I haven’t kissed someone in a while.” Seokmin shook his head in reassurance. Joshua reached out, thumbing away some of the tears sitting on Seokmin’s cheeks. “I’m glad they’re happy tears, but you shouldn’t cry.” He chuckled. “Come on, love…”

When ‘love’ hit his ears, Seokmin let out a panicked noise, avoiding his gaze as his brain shut down. It took him a second to reboot before looking back over. Joshua’s hand stayed on his cheek for a second longer, swiping a few stray tears away before pulling back. “Do uhm…” Seokmin sniffled a bit, turning to face the apartment just outside of the car. “You want to come in for a bit? I can make tea…or coffee…or something.”

“Sure.” Seokmin watched as Joshua’s eyes curled into familiar crescent moons, putting the one hovering above them to shame. The newly proclaimed lovebirds got out of the car, Seokmin needing to make sure that his legs would be able to hold him up as he got to his feet. When Joshua came around the car, he offered his arm to Seokmin with a dopey grin on his face as the duo headed to the apartment.

The trip up the elevator was quiet, both men standing shoulder to shoulder as Joshua scrolled through something on his phone. The elevator shook a bit on its trip up. Like a hive mind, Seokmin gripped Joshua’s arm to steady him at the same time Joshua reached his hand out to put on the small of Seokmin’s back, both turning to look at each other. “Heh.” Hoping to prevent his cheeks from tinting pink, he looked down at his feet. When the elevator doors opened, Joshua put his phone back in his pocket and led Seokmin out. Seokmin immediately felt Joshua’s hand still ghosting the small of his back, despite the elevator being several paces behind them by now.

Once inside, Seokmin started a pot of coffee while Joshua finished looking through photos on his phone. “What have you been looking at?” Seokmin asked, leaning against the counter for a better look.

“I haven’t posted online in a while, so I’m looking for some pictures from tonight.” He passed the phone between them. “I don’t have too many, though, I was having so much fun I didn’t even realize.” He chuckled.

Seokmin immediately pulled out his phone. “I took a lot!” He scrolled through an entire wall of photos taken from the beginning of the night to the very end; from photos of the decorated room to selfies with everyone in attendance. Joshua immediately pulled up a photo of the two of them, one of Seokmin taking a selfie that Joshua stuck his head in, and then the following photo where they threw up a peace sign.

“Send me those.” He said. “They’re cute. And one with you in the glasses.”

“Okay!” Seokmin smiled. “I’ll send you tons. Can I Airdrop them?” Joshua nodded, looking down at his phone. “I should post something, too…” Seokmin murmured in realization.

With the sound of the coffee pot warming up behind them, both pulled up their Instagram accounts and began selecting some of their favorite photos from the night. Just as Seokmin was about to put a nice, long message about how much fun he had, and how grateful he was for being able to get through finals, Joshua piped up with a question:

“…Can I say that you’re my boyfriend?”

Seokmin’s eyes shot up towards Joshua, who finally seemed to hold a nervous expression in his features. “…Is…are you…are you asking me out?”

Joshua paused for a second, seeming to think about the answer to the question himself. Finally, he nodded. “I mean…..” He said, a smile finally forming on his face. “Yeah, I guess, since I didn’t properly ask in the car. That wouldn’t be very gentlemanly of me, now is it?”

“You’re very gentlemanly…” Seokmin looked back down at the string of photos he had, ready to post. Almost all of them had Joshua in them, whether it was just the two of them or with a collection of friends. Seokmin wanted Joshua to be there, from now on, he wanted Joshua to always be with him. The sizzle of the coffee pot finally came to an end just as Seokmin nodded and said: “O-okay. I’ll…I’ll put it on too, then.”

The smile on Joshua’s face only widened. “Cool. Then, we can put our phones on silent while our friend groups blow up our phones. I can probably place bets on exactly what each person will say!”

“Heh. Me too.” Seokmin agreed. He edited his caption before setting his phone down on the kitchen counter and turning to pour two cups of coffee. When Joshua set his own phone down, he grinned in amusement, nestling closer to Seokmin and taking his own coffee mug.

“How long until people see the post?”

“Maybe five minutes? Seungcheol-hyung is always up to date with what’s going on.” Seokmin grinned as he took a sip of his drink. “And five minutes might be generous.” Joshua hummed behind his own mug. “Oh!” Seokmin gasped, turning to Joshua in shock. “I almost forgot something! Wait here! No, wait on the couch!” Setting the coffee cup on the counter, Seokmin headed straight into his room.

He emerged a few minutes later with a little bag he had gotten from the far back of his closet, seeing Joshua was sitting on the couch with both coffee cups on the table in front of him. “I got you something for your birthday.”

Joshua’s eyes went wide. “What? You didn’t have to!”

“Of course, I did!” Seokmin sat at his side, setting the bag at Joshua’s side. “It’s nothing big. It’s part one.”

“Part one?” Joshua smirked, pulling out the sparkling white tissue paper.

“Yeah. Part two is for your actual birthday.” He said. “How else are you supposed to do birthday gifts?” Joshua laughed.

“Guess I can’t argue with that logic.” Joshua peered inside the bag and pulled out a little gift wicker basket wrapped in see-through paper with tons of different things inside. Joshua smiled a bit. “What is it?”

“Well, remember when you came over to study with nothing in your bag?” Joshua nodded. “I know you’ve gotten a few things to put in there but I wanted to get you some more stuff. An emergency kit, I guess.” He laughed nervously as Joshua began unwrapping the basket. “Is it stupid?”

“What? No!” Joshua said. “I love it! I was running low on some stuff anyway.” He pulled all of the stuff out to examine more. Most of it was simple; a few different packs of gums, winter-scented hand sanitizer, flavored lip balm, some cute flare pens - which Joshua said are a teacher’s dream pen - and a little amethyst crystal. Minghao said they ‘help with keeping someone in good health.’

Joshua pulled out a little keychain that was already open from the package. He held it close for a better look. It was a small plush Cinaroll keychain in a teacher’s outfit. “Stop, what?” He gasped in English. “It’s cute!”

“I thought of you when I was shopping at the mall.” Seokmin said. He reached behind him and pulled out his own keychain, dangling it in between them. It was of Pochacco wearing an overexaggerated Shakespeare-esque outfit. “I got this one for me. They’re part of a set.”

“So, we have matching keychains?!” Joshua looked so excited it made Seokmin laugh. “Oh, perfect!” He turned to his white bag, hooking the keychain right onto the front. “Thank you. This is so awesome!”

Seokmin watched as Joshua squeezed the little plush keychain and took a minute to just admire him in the silence. He was so many things; smart, passionate, beautiful, generous, funny, he could go on for days. All the things that made Seokmin fall head over heels in love with him in the first place. Just thinking about how in love he was - how lucky he was - made him feel like anything was possible.

“Now, I really want to kiss you again.” He admitted, eyes falling to Seokmin.

He was also so incredibly attractive, and impossible to refuse.

Seokmin didn’t even bat an eye when he practically gasped out: “Okay.” Joshua grinned, setting his gift on the coffee table so he could close the gap between them. He leaned in and immediately planted another kiss on Seokmin’s lips that made December feel like the middle of summertime.

Joshua Hong was his. For now, things felt perfect.

To Be Continued in Part 2

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