#accidentally causing death

[furiousgoldfish]

I'm not sure if I'm going to publish this, because the story is traumatic, and even though I found a resolution, it could still cause pain to read this. Trigger is animal death, emotional abuse, and death and grieving in general. If this is something you can't think about, please skip this post.

I need to preface the story with a bit of a background.

As a kid, I lived in a rural area, surrounded by animals, and sometimes I would pick a favourite, and this animal would die. I'm not sure if my parents were killing these specific animals on purpose because they noticed I was spending time with them, but the animal that I would be close to, would die first every time, or be mysteriously lost. One time, one small baby animal got sick, and I was going insane trying to nurse it to health. Made a little blanket nest where I kept it, constantly tried to clean and feed it and keep it warm, and after a few days I just found it dead.

I couldn't handle it. I had bonded with the small animal, I thought I was not going to be alone anymore because this tiny creature was going to be my friend and we'll be going trough life together, and we're going to have each other, and now it was dead, and I deeply felt it was my fault. Because I didn't know how to nurse it back to health, nobody helped me, nobody else cared, and I thought I was cursed and that I kill any animal I come into contact with.

I didn't have a way to process or grieve this, so I dissociated and tried to erase the entire thing from my memory. I pretended it didn't happen. I couldn't be aware of it because it was too much. I already had so much trauma repressed, I couldn't handle anymore. So I acted like everything was fine and distracted myself with whatever, and you know what happened? My parents noticed that my animal was dead, and that I was acting fine. And they came after me. They made fun of me for 'seemingly being obsessed with the animal and clearly I don't even care anymore now it's dead'. I remember freezing in shock and horror when I heard this. They came after me to guilt me for not caring anymore for the dead baby animal. When it was, to me, very clear that it's something I'm not allowed to think about, because it was impossible to deal with. And their words worked. I felt even more guilty for acting like I didn't care. I felt frozen both in shock and shame for my behaviour, even though I would have done everything to keep the animal alive, to stop this from happening.

After that, I never got close to an animal again. Any animal closeness would trigger me back to this event, forcing me to remember my dead friend and how after spending the day in shock and deep dissociation I was told I didn't care. I didn't want any more animals to die because of me. I stopped eating animals. I did everything in my power to protect and keep animals safe. Including never getting close to one because my presence would surely kill them.

This was just the backstory, so you understand where I'm coming from when the next thing happened. And I also want to say, despite how rocky and painful this situation was, I think I handled it okay.

*

It was a normal day, I was going to work. I was biking next to a highway, when I noticed something that chilled me to the bone. There was a baby kitten, in the highway, trying to survive among the cars. I stopped in shock and horror, and the next event took only seconds to transpire. The kitten managed to get to the edge of the highway, close to where I was, and the thoughts in my head were 'I need to get it away from here, quickly! I need to put it somewhere safe!' but I realized if I advanced I might scare it, so I stood frozen in place to not pose a threat, but it was already too late. I had no time to do anything. The kitten looked up. Noticed me. Got terrified. Ran into traffic. Was dead in a second.

I didn't even have time to cry out.

I walked away frozen in shock. I kept muttering to myself 'I would have saved it. I was going to save it.' all the way to work. I kept repeating the event over and over, trying to figure out what I could have done. But there was nothing. Even if I had turned away and tried to remove myself from there, it would have been too late. The kitten would have noticed me anyway, and ran back into traffic anyway. The only way that kitten might have been saved, was if I wasn't there at all. If I didn't exist that day, on that highway, then they might be still alive. But I couldn't have known that. I didn't know me going to work that day would end in someone's death. If I had, I wouldn't have gone to work. I would have gone a different way. I couldn't have known.

The thoughts of 'world would have been better if you weren't alive' kept spiraling in my head, I tried to dissociate and forget this happened, like I tried when I was a kid, but it didn't work, I kept having flashbacks, I kept seeing the death play over and over in my head. That kitten looked rugged and abandoned. It looked neglected. It was all alone in a highway. There was no other cat or kitten nearby. And I knew how that felt. I could imagine myself so easily being abandoned, neglected, and left in a highway to die. And my role in that kitten's life was the one that caused the death. I couldn't forgive myself. Even if I didn't do anything on purpose, I was there, and the kitten died, and then I walked away dissociated and shocked, and there was nothing I could do anymore. It was too late.

I managed to do my job in this triggered and dissociated state, and by the time I was done with work, I had started to calm down and think about what I could actually do about this. Because I cared about this a lot, and all I did was walk away; not out of malice, but out of shock and despair. It felt wrong. And I understood what I needed to do to make this better. I had to go to the place of death, and say I'm sorry. I needed to act humane about this. And when you cause someone's death, even accidentally, you express regreat and grief, you say sorry.

I took off from work, and the second I realized what I was about to do, I burst into tears. I was sobbing and repeating 'I'm sorry, I'm so sorry' in my head the entire way. When I got there, the remains of the animal were still in the same place, even though completely unrecognizable. I stood by the edge of the highway and cried. I said how sorry I was, how I didn't mean to scare it. How I wished I could take it back, turn back time and make sure this didn't happen. How the kitten did not deserve this. I stood there crying and holding a hand over my heart, even though it looked insane. I cried all the way back home, shaking. And when I got back home, I was able to breathe again. And I felt slightly better.

I realized that this was my first, normal expression of grief and regret. It came delayed, because I was dissociated and flashbacking most of the day, but when I realized I just needed to deal with the situation in a humane way, that helped me feel human again. If you cast harm it's normal to express regret and grief, instead of dissociating and drowning in shame and suicidal thoughts. I still ended up crying later that day, but it wasn't a trumatic type of grief, it was just normal grief. It helped me feel normal.

The next day, I had to go past the same place, and the remains of the kitten were still there, and I couldn't help looking at them, feeling guilty again. I didn't know how to deal with that either, do I try to not look? Do I try to forget, because I couldn't do anything else but apologize, and I had already done that?

It took me a few days to figure it out. And then as I was thinking about it one day, it clicked. I needed to collect the remains and bury them. I was the only person who saw what happened, and who cared. I was tortured by the idea of cars disturbing the remains of that poor animal, I kept imagining it happening to my dead body, and it was harrowing.

So I grabbed a bag, went back to the highway, scooped what remained of the dead kitten in a bag. I promised I was taking it to a better place where it won't be awful like this. I was almost comforted by the fact that the remains didn't try to run away this time. We could go together to a safe place this time.

I picked a place next to a tree, with some stumps that I felt a cat would love to train their claws on. I felt it was going to rain soon, and I expressed the hope that the rain feels nice on the little animal bones. I forgot to bring a tool so I dug with my fingers. I covered the body with dirt, sat there for several minutes, speaking out my heart about everything, apologized again, and left it to the rain.

I'm not being tormented about it anymore. I know the kitten is in a good place now. Soft soil and rain are a good place to be. I guess this is what I had wanted to do from the start. Bring it to a safe location. Make sure it's not being chased by cars anymore. I managed to do it.

I think the only reason why I could figure it out, is that nobody was judging me, coming after me to attack me or guilt me, or tell me what to do or how I should be handling this. I was imagining the entire time, that if someone knew, they would either tell me how I could have avoided this, or that I'm stupid for being so emotional about this, and it would have ruined me. But this had no humans involved. It was just me, a dead animal, and I was given space and time to stop dissociating, to figure out what is the correct thing to do, and then do it.

I've started to think about whether I could resolve other things by the same method. What is a humane thing to do? I couldn't go back and bury my childhood pets, or tell them that I'm so sorry they died and I did nothing to stop it. I couldn't do anything about what my parents did to me either, the only consequence I could inflict on them was leaving, and I did that. So maybe it only works when you're free to do as you wish, and there are no consequences for any action, and you just pick to do something humane.

I learned that circumstances of someone's death matter very much, and what you do afterwards can change how you feel about life, and living. Ignoring a death and acting like nothing happened is one of the worst ways to go about it, but as a kid sometimes you have no other option, sometimes it's the only thing you can do. Because you're not given the safety to mourn. You're not free to express grief or regret.

This was the first death I mourned. I handled every other death, animal or human, by dissociating and feeling numb and helpless. I wish someone taught me how to mourn, and why humans have rituals like burying and grieving. Or even, if someone gave me space where I could mourn, where there are no consequences to what I do, and I could just spend some days figuring out what I'm feeling and what to do about it. Where I could figure out my own rituals to make the world feel a bit more humane.

Expressing grief, gentleness, affection and love to a dead body feels very humane. It makes death not so horrible, because after all, they're just safe in this soil, their bones are enjoying the rain, and they know you loved them and you wanted them to be safe forever. They know you handled their bones gently and wanted them to feel at peace. You got to tell them. You got to show them. Loved in death means something to the living.

[babacontainsmultitudes]

RIP Will Campos the only person who was murdered this episode.

[moongothic]

Crocodad AU where immidiately after having left Dragon and his baby boy Crocodile finds an 11 year old Robin. And while he's 100% only recruiting her so they can make a beeline for the Poneglyph and Pluton in Alabasta by the two of them... Crocodile accidentally sorta kinda adopts Robin.

At this point Robin's been running for her life from the Government for three years so her deep trust issues and fear of betrayal are starting to take root in her little heart. Like perhaps they haven't taken fully over yet, and being still a child I'm sure Robin might've still had that genuine hope that she could find a safe place to stay in. But I'm sure the though of "what'll he'll do with me once he gets what he wants?" would be nagging at her at the back of her mind. Meanwhile Crocodile's struggling between the pain and hurt he's already gone through and given him his trademark trust issues, as well as the aftermath of The Dragodile Divorce. But he also has his Fresh Paternal Instincts and probably misses his baby. So when given a small, scared child who is running for her life, being chased by the very same Government that'll want his son dead if they ever find out about him... Yeah that might fuck with your brain a little

You know this post was supposed to be just that first paragraph and just a few footnotes from the following two paragraphs. And then I kept on Having Thoughts. And I kept on writing them down. And oh no what happened when did this post get so long (Look I was going to either kept on writing my Additional Thoughts in the tags or I just put them in the actual fucking post)

Like considder this: based on this one SBS, we can kinda tell that if Crocodile was given a chance to raise a child, that child would be a spoiled little shit, right

So in this scenario, where Crocodile's looking after lil Robin, would he be kind of torn? Unsure how to feel about her?

Because on one hand, this strange child would have the potential to not only ruin his plans, strip him of his Shichibukai Privileges by outing him and his plans to the World Government, but also put his son in grave danger by extension (if she found out about him having been involved with the Revolutionaries and/or having a child). But on the other hand, his paternal instincts could make him want to spoil this poor little girl rotten. But only because he needs to (perhaps literally) buy her trust so she'll behave. No other reason, he doesn't feel sorry for her one bit, no sirree. (But maybe he did feel sorry for her, since his son could very well end up exactly like her. Poor little thing) (Which is why he needs to nuke Marijoa out of orbit as soon as possible, no matter the cost, and this child can't get in the way of Crocodile protecting his son) (But also this is a child. Like how bad could she be. Besides all he really needs to do to win her trust is be nice and make her feel safe, right?)

Of course, while I'm suggesting Crocodile could have some parental instincts, realistically, he hasn't actually spent any time being, you know, a father to a child (looking after his newborn for an unknown though short amount of time aside), so it's possible he wouldn't even know how to parent Robin even if he wanted to, would he? (Like taking care of a newborn and an 11 year old kid aren't the same either) So if he was kind of just emotionally flipflopping between No Trusting Ever and It's Just A Kid for God's Sake, Crocodile trying to be nice to Robin to make her feel safe and then telling himself to stop being so soft and vunerable... Yeah that would make for an absolute mess of a relationship. (Not to mention, let's be real, dude's a scary motherfucker too, and a bloody giant compared to itty bitty baby Robin. He could keep on accidentally scaring the shit out of Robin (who would be On Fucking Edge To Begin With) by just Being Himself. Like for example, can you fucking imagine if he caught Robin trying to cheer herself up with a little "dereshishishi" only to tell her to stop because "it was stupid"? 'Cause I can imagine him doing that, and boy howdy would that make Robin feel bad)

Or who knows, maybe Crocodile was just Born To Be A Dad, maybe he just Fucking Gets It. Like Crocodile is canonically pretty good at manipulating people to do what he wants them to do (see: how he played Vivi like a fiddle), so knowing Robin's position and understanding how she feels, maybe he COULD completely nail how she needed to be treated. Not being too familiar but still making her feel safe and happy, knowing exactly when to be stern and when to spoil her, etc. Dude just goes off and wins the Dad of the Year Award while being a deadbeat dad himself. The only thing Crocodile would have to worry about then would be making sure HE doesn't get too fond of her. And certainly that could never happen, he's so in-touch with his own feelings and so grounded, he's not a softie, get outta here. Or maybe he does but never realizes until it's too late and good luck backpedalling on those emotions now dumbass

Alright so, the reason I went on that whole rmble is just that like. I'm so interested in the relationship Robin and Crocodile already have in canon. I'm so facinated and curious about how the two feel about each other, considdering they did spend 4 whole years of their lives together as criminal business partners, though neither ever trusted the other. A partnership that was only ended because Robin betrayed Crocodile, out of her own trauma. (God, I want to see these two "reunite" so bad, I want to know how they feel about each other now after the timeskip and Robin joining the idiot in flipflops who foiled Croc's plans)

My question here is just that... if they had met 13 years earlier, would things have been different? Especially if Crocodad Real? Because as I mentioned in the begining, Robin would've been on the run for only 3 years by this point, as opposed to 16 years before running into Crocodile. Simultaneously, this would be before Crocodile went onto spend an entire decade all alone, slowly losing his marbles in his emotional solitude. They'd both be emotionally traumatized, yes, but would it have been as bad in this scenario? Like I did start this post kind of joking about Crocodile adopting Robin, and for clarity's sake I don't think they'd have like a father-daughter relationship nececarily. But it would be a strange relationship still, because we'd have two broken people, both struggling to trust anyone. One who had lost her mother and her only friends, leaving her all alone and afraid while running for her life. The other a father who had just given up his son whom he probably missed dearly. Both having these holes in their hearts from loss of family, holes that could not be filled with replacements. But could they find comfort in each other anyway, because they still as people occupy similar roles to their respective loved ones? If they both could just get over those trust issues?

Okay I've been going off on the Emotional Side Of Things for this AU Concept, THERE'S PLOT TOO

So if Crocodile did pick Robin up like 19 years ago, that should be before he set up base in Alabasta, long before he had built is homebase and financial empire etc.

Now the thing is, while we don't know when, where and how Crocodile learned about the Ancient Weapons, Pluton specifically and how the lead on it would be in Alabasta... Considdering Crocodile did once upon a time aim to become Pirate King, it would make perfect sense if he had learned about Poneglyphs during his past adventures, as he would have needed to get the Road Poneglyphs to find One Piece. And while the World Government did bury the truth about why Ohara had been burned down and why Robin had been given her bounty (remember, the WG claimed it was because she had sunken a fleet of battleships, which she had not, it was because she could read the Poneglyphs), considdering this is a Crocodad AU specifically, you could totally make an argument Crocodile could've learned about what actually happened to Ohara from Dragon and co. So, just to make this AU work, you could just assume Crocodile learned about the concept of the Ancient Weapons from Dragon. And who knows, maybe he overheard the truth about why Robin had been given her bounty from Dragon too (maybe Dragon was able to get intel from Garp in secret) or while going to Marijoa himself to attend a Shichibukai meeting or something IDK.

Maybe he learned about Pluton being in Alabasta before finding Robin by accident, and maybe they made a beeline for Alabasta the second Croc recruited Robin. Travelling takes time and the guy would've most likely had to find an Eternal Pose to Alabasta just to get there (also canonically Robin didn't enter the Grand Line until her 20s so they should've met in West Blue probably, since that's where Ohara was) Or maybe Crocodile had to haul Robin around for a few months while looking for That Missing Piece of Information that would lead him to Alabasta. (Imagine the two travelling from like island to island, library to library, Crocodile trying to find that leads while Robin's just so excited about ALL THESE BOOKS (she's helping too with the research) (but to her, research is playtime, so she's just having the time of her life) (Also, notice how Crocodile's Theoretical Child is a fucking loser ass nerd? Yeah Crocodile would encourage Robin reading and studying, surely. And that would be fucking cute))

But like, once they set sail to Alabasta...

Sure, Crocodile could try to do it The Slow Way that we know he tried in canon, building trust and creating his little empire etc. But also, in canon, Crocodile couldn't have jumped into action head first because without Robin, even if he had found the Poneglyph he couldn't have read it and found the location of Pluton. Crocodile choosing to do it the slow way may have been partially because he didn't have much of a choise and it could've felt like the smarter move long-term.

But in this scenario, he already has Robin. Yes, he could do it the slow, secure way.

But what'd be there stopping him from infiltrating Cobra's palace and kidnapping him (in the night, when nobody suspects a thing), demanding Cobra to spill the beans lest Crocodile kills him and/or his pregnant wife* (*Vivi was born 10 months after Luffy so depending on how long it's been between Crocodad leaving Luffy behind and this scenario... Yeah either the wife is there, still pregnant, or there's a newborn Baby Vivi)

Like it'd be a risky move but depending on how ballsy Croc's feeling and how confident he feels in being able to kidnap the king without being noticed... Yeah he could probably do it. And I'm sure he'd have no problem killing Cobra either, if anything it'd be required if he didn't want the Government to find out he was out to find Pluton, and god knows Cobra would tell on Crocodile if left alive. I could see Crocodad being maybe a little iffy about killing Baby Vivi though (it's not like the newborn baby could report him to the WG anyways), but if nothing else, he just needs to be able to pull off the bluff of his life to convince Cobra to do as he's told. And we all know Crocodile's good at convincing people.

The only question is, how would Robin take that?

Watching Crocodile go into Full Murder Mode, hearing him say he'd kill a pregnant woman/a newborn baby if he didn't get what he wanted? Like yeah, I'm sure 11 year old Robin would be fine with that, that wouldn't make any alarm bells go off in her head at all, it'd be fiiiine. IT WOULD NOT BE FINE, SHE'D BE SCARED SHITLESS. That fear of "what will he do with me when he gets what he wants"? Well, Robin may not have found the answer to that question in particular, but she certainly found the answer to the opposite question, and it's not good

So say Cobra, kidnapped (perhaps with Baby Vivi) by Crocodile in the night, guides the two to the Poneglyph under the tombs. Crocodile puts Cobra out of his misery because he's not needed anymore. And he asks Robin to read the Poneglyph for him.

Robin, who has spent the last little while, be it weeks or months with Crocodile, him having become her "guardian", the thing keeping her safe. Crocodile, who has now shown how cold blooded and cruel he can be. Robin, who might be scared out of her mind. Of him.

And the Poneglyph says Pluton, the thing Crocodile wants, isn't there. It's in Wano.

What's she going to do?

EDIT: I wrote a sequel post, enjoy

[nellasbookplanet]

In the wake of FCG' fate I've been thinking about death in ttrpgs, and how it kind of exists on three levels:

There’s the gameplay level, where it only makes sense for a combat-heavy, pc-based game to have a tool for resurrection because the characters are going to die a lot and players get attached to them and their plotlines.

Then there’s the narrative level, where you sort of need permanent death on occasion so as not to lose all tension and realism. On this level, sometimes the player will let their character remain dead because they find it more interesting despite there being options of resurrection, or maybe the dice simply won’t allow the resurrection to succeed.

Then, of course, there’s the in-universe level, which is the one that really twists my mind. This is a world where actual resurrection of the actual dead is entirely obtainable, often without any ill effects (I mean, they'll be traumatized, but unless you ask a necromancer to do the resurrection they won’t come back as a zombie or vampire or otherwise wrong). It’s so normal that many adventurers will have gone through it multiple times. Like, imagine actually living in a world where all that keeps you from getting a missing loved one back is the funds to buy a diamond and hire a cleric. As viewers we felt that of course Pike should bring Laudna, a complete stranger, back when asked, but how often does she get this question? How many parents have come and begged her to return their child to them? How many lovers lost but still within reach? When and how does she decide who she saves and who she doesn’t?

From this perspective, I feel like every other adventurer should have the motive/backstory of 'I lost a loved one and am working to obtain the level of power/wealth to get them back'. But of course this is a game, and resurrection is just a game mechanic meant to be practically useful.

Anyway. A story-based actual play kind of has to find a way to balance these three levels. From a narrative perspective letting FCG remain dead makes sense, respects their sacrifice, and ends their arc on a highlight. From a gameplay level it is possible to bring them back but a lot more complicated than a simple revivify. But on an in-universe level, when do you decide if you should let someone remain dead or not? Is the party selfish if they don’t choose to pursue his resurrection the way they did for Laudna? Do they even know, as characters, that it’s technically possible to save someone who's been blown to smithereens? Back in campaign 2, the moment the m9 gained access to higher level resurrection they went to get Molly back (and only failed because his body had been taken back by Lucien). At the end of c1, half the party were in denial about Vax and still looking for ways to save him, because they had always been able to before (and had the game continued longer it wouldn’t have surprised me had they found a way). Deanna was brought back decades after her death (and was kind of fucked up because of it). Bringing someone back could be saving them, showing them just how loved and appreciated they are. Or it could be saving you, forcing someone back from rest and peace into a world that's kept moving without them because you can’t handle the guilt of knowing you let them stay gone when you didn’t have to. How do you know? How would you ever know?

[nariko-senpai]

Friendly reminder that Vi was only a kid who watched her whole family die in a matter of seconds just as they were about to escape.

Friendly reminder that Vi wanted to go back for Powder after she left but got arrested.

Friendly reminder that Powder only wanted to help her family and still feels guilty about the incident.

Friendly reminder that Jinx still loved Vi after all those years.

They were both children who went through horrible ordeals and made mistakes that shaped them to be who they are.

[triglycercule]

nightmare viewing the murder time three as little toys but more in like a little spoiled kid kinda way. because it would be funny and if you take into the account that he was like 6 before getting corrupted and do some mental loopholes it would be even funnier. like these are his dolls (killer dust and horror) and this is their barbie dreamhouse (his castle). they all have to stay in one room because nightmare needs to keep his toys in a toy box. the toys only ever come out when he wants to play but oh damn it they keep on breaking out!! silly toys,,, and then he locks them into the room again.

nightmare serves them food with plastic tea cups and plastic plates and there is no food. there is no tea. they have to imagine the food because dolls can't literally eat. there are food containers and stuff in the house but its all just a bunch of empty boxes. horror starts tweaking out after he scavenges the kitchen and finds a cereal box and milk carton that have NOTHING in it (why keep empty boxes?????)

they have to go where he wants them to go. nightmare gets to dress them up in whatever he wants because theyre his dolls they can wear anything he wants. it gets incredibly embarrassing when the trio is forced to wear pink pretty dresses and fight like that. or they have to go around the castle doing stupid fucking roleplays and it gets weird because theyre being forced to reenact a bullying scene and nightmare's giving them the death stare if they don't get it right (is this projection. this must be some form of coping mechanism dust theorizes)

and then you know nightmare's not exactly the best toy owner so he loses a few of his dolls here and there. maybe they get destroyed when he was playing a bit too rough with them! (killer dies in battle for like the 29th time) but its okay because he can just go back on down to the store (something new) and buy. wait no. steal another doll and then put it back in his dreamhouse and BOOM he has a full set again!! so sweet so cute. his dolls don't have consciousness what are you talking about theyre begging to be let go?? that's all just your imagination. what do you mean you're asking about the several slowly dying bodies with removed arms or legs in his dungeon. oh that's just where the broken but not yet destroyed toys go dw theyre fine its humane

[oneluckydragon]

"Suddenly the world was gray and dull and my heart was so heavy I felt like I couldn’t move, let alone make it back to Treasure Town. But because of Echo’s last wish… I was able to keep living.”

--- --- --- --- ---

SORA : (Partner)

Abilities: Justified / Inner Focus

Nature: Gentle / Hardy

Moveset: Aura Sphere / Metal Claw / Poison Jab / Dragon Pulse

[paperstorm]

Thanks for the tags @honeybee-taskforce and @whatsintheboxmh!

I have too many wips right now I keep bouncing back and forth and not giving any of them the actual focus they deserve but here's some sexual dysfunction from the 3x11 missing moment.

-

Carlos blinks up at the ceiling. His eyes sting.

“Babe?” TK asks, voice suddenly tentative as he picks up on the shift in energy that hangs in the room like a storm cloud over them.

“Gotta pee,” Carlos says, pushing the damp sheet away and getting up. He feels somehow more naked than usual as he walks around the edge of the bed and feels TK’s eyes on him, shutting himself in the bathroom and avoiding his own reflection in the mirror.

It wasn’t a lie, he’s surprised he lasted this long already, and he keeps his eyes closed and tries to breathe as he solves that problem. He rinses his hands with a near-painful churning in his gut, and wonders how long he can hide in the bathroom until TK figures out he’s doing more than using the toilet. Carlos splashes water onto his face and rubs wet hands over his hair, trying in vain to tame some of the wilder curls that sprung out at odd angles while he slept.

When he’s procrastinated as much as he can, he slides the door slowly open, and shouldn’t be as surprised as he is to see TK waiting patiently just on the other side of it. He’s halfway dressed – in boxers and a t-shirt – and Carlos tries not to let his anxious imagination derive more meaning from TK covering himself than TK intended. He tries, but it doesn’t work.

“Hey,” TK says softly, with a small, empathetic smile, like he already knows. He knows Carlos’s disgrace, can scan him like an X-ray machine.

“I’m sorry,” Carlos mumbles, unable to look TK in the eye as he burns in shame. “Are you okay?”

“What?” TK asks, head tilting in confusion that takes Carlos by surprise. He’d assumed he was made of cellophane and that TK could see right through him. “What are you sorry for?”

Carlos just shakes his head. TK steps in closer to him, backing him up against the sink. He grips TK’s hips in his hands but feels like even that comfort, he shouldn’t be allowed. He hasn’t earned it, and he’s stolen enough from TK already this morning. He’s supposed to protect this man, love him and take care of him, and instead …

“Carlos,” TK insists.

Sniffing and wishing he could draw his limbs into a hard outer shell like a turtle so he could hide from the world, Carlos admits, “I feel like … I used you.”

TK doesn’t respond for a moment. Carlos keeps his eyes laser focused on a spot on TK’s sternum where his delicate smattering of chest hair is soft and wispy. Eventually, TK asks, “Used what? What are you talking about?”

Carlos closes his eyes.

“Hey.”

“You’re gonna be sore later, and it’s my fault.” And it didn’t help, either. That part, Carlos is too ashamed of to even say aloud. He tore into TK hoping somewhere in the back of his mind that it might release some of the lingering tension and anger and heartache that’s swirling inside of him, but it’s all still there. In the end it was nothing but selfishness, and it didn’t make him feel any better.

“No,” TK says, his tone suddenly sharp. “No, you’re not allowed to think that. Take it back.”

“TK.”

“I mean it!” he snaps, jostling Carlos with his grip on Carlos’s cheeks. “I know you’re upset, I’m so sorry you’re upset, but I won’t let you do that. You didn’t hurt me, you didn’t do anything I didn’t want, you wouldn’t do anything I didn’t want. We both know that. I trust you, you’re not allowed to decide that I shouldn’t. I won’t let you do that to us.”

Carlos just mumbles his name again, wanting so badly to believe him but not sure he deserves this absolution.

“Take it back,” TK demands again, fierce and adamant. “I’m fine. More than fine, I feel great. We both like it rough sometimes, I know you know that.”

“It’s not the same,” Carlos mutters.

“The same as what?” TK questions, and when Carlos doesn’t answer, he says, “The only thing that’s wrong with me right now is that the man I love is hurting.”

His forehead bumps into Carlos’s when Carlos can’t bring himself to look at him. His thumbs stroke slowly along Carlos’s cheeks, and Carlos wants to melt into his soothing embrace exactly as much as he wants to push TK away from him and reject the comfort and forgiveness he’s so graciously offering.

Tagging @theghostofashton @birdclowns @reyesstrand @strandnreyes @cold-blooded-jelly-doughnut

@carlos-in-glasses @actual-sleeping-beauty @thisbuildinghasfeelings @herefortarlos @heartstringduet

@tailoredshirt @goodways @alrightbuckaroo @lightningboltreader @freneticfloetry

@im-overstimulated-and-im-sad @liminalmemories21 @nancys-braids @chaotictarlos @lemonlyman-dotcom

@inkweedandlizards @bonheur-cafe @reasonandfaithinharmony @thebumblecee @never-blooms

@sanjuwrites @orchidscript @jesuisici33 @kiwichaeng @fallout-mars

@fifthrideroftheapocalypse @fitzherbertssmolder @safeashousespdf @just-inside-her @firstprince-history-huh

@captain-gillian @tellmegoodbye @anactualcaseofthetruth @ironheartwriter

Want to be added or removed from the list? Lmk

[cutetanuki-chan]

do you have any alecto/anastasia hcs?

I think my biggest hc is that Anastasia wanted to be present at laying Alecto down in the tomb, but something went not as planned, cause she helped design it and it's her house, where is she

and not quite a hc but I want Alecto snatch some of Anastasia's bones before leaving the tomb

but tbh the moment I got the ask my mind completely blanked out on everything I was thinking about them, I'll add more to this post if I remember some of it

but thank you for asking!

[undergoing-mitosis]

ladies, gentlemen and non binary hoes. may i have your attention please.

thank you for your time.

[whats-9plus10]

Let me remind you

[brotherslayer]

Heartbreaking if og Penelope thought Leila's curse was twisting Derrick's feelings for her ("it's all my fault") and returned to him once she defeated Leila, hoping the curse would be broken and they could finally be a real family, only to be confronted with the reality that her brother has always been that kind of man. As dark as it was the obsession he had for her was real and it was all the love he had in his body. There has never been a trace of platonic or pure love in his heart that the curse could have twisted into something else.

[bicheetopuff]

I don't know if anyone has realized this yet but isn't afo kinda way too freaky about yoichi lol? like c'mon whats going on

Yeah I’ve seen people talk about their relationship like that before and how it’s kind of sketchy. Tbh though, I never really saw it like that.

I don’t think the people that see their relationship in that way understand that possessive abusers can come in any form. Any sort of relationship has the potential to become dangerously possessive whether it be a romantic one, parental one, or a brotherly one. I think since Yoichi is the only person All for One has ever had remotely care about him in a normal-ish way, he wanted to keep the only genuine connection he had for as long as he could, and if he couldn’t, then Yoichi lost his use to him.

I don’t think he cared about Yoichi himself at all as his brother, I think he cared more about what Yoichi was able to give him. It’s a “if I can’t have him, then no one can” kind of situation, but like I said above, that situation doesn’t always have to translate to romantic obsession, and I actually think it’s kind of harmful to see an obsession like AFOs as one that can only be explained away by potential romantic feelings.

I speak from experience, familial obsession can turn just as intense and dangerous as romantic obsession. They’re very real and I honestly find it disgusting that people try to turn it into a “AFO is gay for his brother” thing. Let me ask, would you think the same if Yoichi was AFOs son instead of brother?

Now, I don’t know if you meant your ask in that way, Anon, but I figured I’d talk about this anyway because I see a post about it every once in a while, and this just kind of made me want to add my two cents on it.

[sealrock]

the major arcana, shuffled: 4/??

THE HIGH PRIESTESS; ⤉ spirituality, higher power, mystery, subconscious ⤈ hidden motives, secrets, repressed intuition, cognitive dissonance THE EMPRESS; ⤉ motherhood, femininity, nurturing, harmony ⤈ smothering, negligence, lack of growth, insecurity THE EMPEROR; ⤉ fatherhood, structure, authority, control ⤈ tyranny, domination, recklessness, rigidity

[dennisboobs]

the funniest thing when considering the whole serial killer dennis angle is that he is the only member of the gang who has been legally cleared of murder.

[kintsugibody]

radiation and cults are fascinating to me, especially radiation. the stories of people unknowingly picking up radioactive material and dying or even killing the populations of towns is haunting, the elephants foot is haunting, the fact that humans can't detect radiation without a machine is haunting. you can't perceive it at all but it does so much damage without you even realizing it until you see the injury, then it gets worse and worse. no other predator or sickness or anything that kills you can do it so insidiously without you even knowing what hit you