#accepting oneself

[kissablelips-desireslure-vol2]

ROCK HAVEN (2007)

SEAN HOAGLAND (as Brady)

&

OWEN ALABADO (as Clifford)

A obviously low budget film but still very good and relevant. Two teenage boys fall in love. One (Clifford) has a mother that is open and accepting perhaps maybe too open which is open to interpretation. I loved her. Meanwhile the other (Brady) is from a religious family and his mother is more of a harder sell. Brady has to come to terms as to who he is and who he wants to be when he falls deeply in love with another boy.

[sophsweet]

My Journey so far with latest update

The amount of self-acceptance you have could be linked to how bully-proof you are. If you look back at bullying experiences that you have overcome, what would you say has changed? For example, when I was at school, people used to make fun of a mole on my left cheek. However, i grew to appreciate it as I got older and now no one could bully me about it and no one ever tries. If they did I would…

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Bare skin, bare feelings.

[First] Prev <–-> Next

[coquelicoq]

it's about...longevity? stability? it's about natsume believing he'll be somewhere long enough to plant flowers and see them bloom. it's about him taking touko seriously when she asks him to tell her what flowers he wants to plant. it's about making something with his own hands, building a future with the fujiwaras. it's about him repairing a rundown home for someone else, restoring it because it's beloved to them, because it's the home of someone they love. it's about him seeing touko's joy and thinking about the youkai saying we'd like to look upon her happy face forever. it's about the box garden making him think of the fujiwaras' garden and his parents' garden, about the flowers being both the memory of flowers that bloomed there before, and the flowers that he and the youkai planted earlier that day. it's about him waking up in both worlds with sensei. it's about touko finding the petal in his hair. it's about him feeling how he falls short and the youkai saying, but you have such gentle hands...

[randomness-is-my-order]

thinking about the “single-plank bridge” and how wei wuxian’s circumstance becomes all the more heartbreaking when we contexualise the kind of person he is. wei wuxian is never shown to be an isolated entity from the very start of his story. even when he lived on the streets, he had a way of connecting with those around him and wheedling shopkeepers into maintaining his daily sustenance. quickly after he came to lotus pier, he formed bonds with jc and yanli. wei wuxian was genuinely interested in people and forging friendships with those he liked. his junior disciples loved him. he was canonically one of the most popular young guys in the cultivation society. he frequently interacted with the common folk in yunmeng or anywhere else he happened to visit. at the guest lectures in the lan sect, wei wuxian was able to inspire multiple disciples (not just nie huaisang) into following his shenanigans. he is also able to befriend some of the wens, prime among them are ofc wen qing and wen ning. for a story as heavy in interpersonal conflicts as mdzs is, it is a given that people and their relationships will be centre stage and wei wuxian isn’t in the least lacking in these relationships. we see this even after his reincarnation that wei wuxian, even when he tries to stay disconnected, forms new bonds with ease. the juniors that are first wary of him soon come to deeply admire him and wei wuxian in turn becomes protective over them.

in short, wei wuxian is defined by his relationships as much as he is by his actions and convictions and thoughts. never once are we made to believe that wei wuxian’s ideal choice would be the “single plank bridge”, that he would be completely at ease with his isolation, that he would ever want to pick that option as a preference. in fact, the single plank bridge ideology has never been one that wei wuxian is shown to inherently gravitate towards or recommend/preach to other people. but that ideology is a last resort.

it is a choice made when his hand is forced, when no other comfortable option is allowed to him, when every door is shut in his face and isolating himself from the people he has known is the only avenue left with him. the single plank bridge is about sticking to his beliefs and not giving up, about doing the right thing no matter what because someone needs to take that stand and wei wuxian has never not been that someone.

i think that it is so crucial that the single plank bridge wasn’t so much a choice that wei wuxian made than a choice that was made for him simply because he refused to give up on the wens.

he was denied alternatives. he was denied help. sometimes, the anti-culture discourse overcorrects itself into painting every heroic act that happens to be sacrificial as a default ‘hero complex’ and self-sacrifical tendencies, ignoring the build-up of those difficult decisions and how, in this story, in mdzs, wei wuxian wasn’t foregoing the crowded broad road but that the crowd on the broad road had foregone him.

[sasakisniko]

Veronica Mars could have started with Veronica vowing never to get married and ended with her marrying Logan Echolls. That is, if Rob understood the beauty of the story we were watching and weren't so desperate to force it to become the grimdark story he couldn't tell on the UPN.

[jichanxo]

uhhh um yuri 👍

[thepersonalwords]

The soul accepts the mystery within and all around, immersing itself in it, celebrating it.

Jay Woodman

[melmedarda]

Can't stop thinking about the thoughts Mel must have had after waking up to an empty bed. She had just laid her heart bare, given her body to Jayce and to wake up the next morning alone?

When he returns to her, she tells him there's a lot he doesn't know about her. She'd shared such an intimate part of her the night before, but she doesn't want Jayce to feel like he knows her. Because if he thinks he knows her, he must have not considered her worthy of staying for. She likely thought that he had gotten what he wanted from her and cast her off.

And why should Mel think this? A woman who is so wealthy, so beautiful, so accomplished and powerful? Because her mother had seen her and cast her off. Her family had disowned her because she was not good enough in their estimation. So all those twelve years that she's been in exile, and her mother has not visited her or called her back to her side, Mel likely thought she was not good enough. All those twelve years, she was just a girl trying hard enough to be.

And then Jayce comes, bares his heart to her as well. Lets her see him in his weakness, in his uncertainty. Shows her how much he values her, wants her around, how highly he holds her opinion. Even when he knows. Perhaps, because he knows her heart. Values it and the compassion she holds within her. And she finally feels good enough.

Only for her mother to come, and tell her it's time to come back home, to be at her side. Only after her brother is dead. When there is no other choice. So yes, of course Mel chooses Jayce, Piltover, and the legacy of peace they've begun to forge. Her family disowned her. Now, she disowns them too.

[nadineross]

i've been thinking a lot about forever. moreso, i've been thinking about everything that comes before — and who i want at my side as it passes.

bonus aigul:

[unproduciblesmackdown]

omgg lol [guy who won't stop going "more like scapeGOATED" voice] now hold! on!! lmao [same guy just saw encanto voice] Hold on!!!

[potionwine]

Oooh, you’ve also seen Nirvana in Fire?!? That was SO good. And as inspiration for PF?? That, explains some things, dang! It works

My friend. My dear. My lovely Cimi—

WHAT in the world—

Have I seen the drama that bloody changed my life; my favourite comfort c-drama; the series that I rewatch yearly the way I rewatch lotr every Christmastime; that exquisite story with the most incredible breadth and variety of characters with impeccable character work and amazing themes and an ending that respects its viewers which however tragic is thoroughly earned and identity porn and politics and pride and grief, god, so much grief—and an Emperor who is shakespearean in his tragedy and—

Okay. Okay, no, you could not have known, tis a failure of my part if I have not spoken enough about it—I probably mostly reply to other people's posts as they liveblog their watching but. BUT. God when I saw your ask it felt like you came up to me to remark "hey wow so you also ship PF?" that's how gobsmacked I was lol!!!

I have dragged everyone in my life into watching this show! I have mutuals on here who can testify to my introducing them to it omg. I just checked and the earliest NIF post I reblogged was in 2016 so I have been watching it every year since 2016 hahaha!!! Although it's pretty complex chinese, and since so much of the show is made up of characters sitting around talking the intricate plot into existence, it's not really a beginner-friendly c-drama either!!!

NOW I DIDN'T KNOW YOU'VE WATCHED IT TOO???!!!

I. have. been. going. UTTERLY MENTAL. at the lack of anyone with whom I could talk about it? OR SO I THOUGHT. So many times I thought of going into our discord to be like "has anyone ever heard of NIF because hhhhhhh the phoenixflare resonance" or like "so is anyone into TGCF perhaps perchance mayhap???"——because heh. hehehehe. heheheh??? My fic is practically a NIF/TGCF mashup, it's a Lin Shu+Xie Lian!Joshua Rosfield & Jingyan+Hua Cheng!Dion Lesage——and I CANNOT TELL YOU HOW MANY TIMES I wanted to ask god please does anyone else see my vision please god does anyone?? but no one would even understand the references, and I couldn't even ask in areas (asian fandom) where there would be a higher chance of people knowing what crack I'm on because asian fandom is all about that...you know...that I loathe—and I have been in pain and I thought right well fine I'm writing the fic anyway it's fine if I have no one to scream about it with because I'm writing it and then I'll find fellow competence porn+politics enjoyers if they find my fic and—and.

God. What an earth-shattering message to receive in my askbox! You are some sort of miracle <3

Do you see it??? Do you see it? A boy who burned to death in an inferno as an innocent betrayed youth in a catastrophic event caused by his own family, his father slain, his entire clan (and all the troops under his banner) wiped out or scattered. A boy reborn after extensive and horrific injuries after an agonisingly long period of recovery: a ghost who crawled his way out of the gates of hell, the last of his broken once-noble house.

That boy's transformation into his new identity of Mei Changsu/Margrace. His off-screen discovery of the truth that led to Meiling/Phoenix Gate and his continued on-screen quest to learn more. His determination to hold the true culprits accountable at immense personal cost and suffering. His dogged persistence despite incredible odds and visibly failing health. Being surrounded by people who love him and want to protect him, and himself constantly undermining their efforts because his goals are more important than his health. (Because in truth he knows perfectly well that he won't survive, but he can make a difference while he is alive.)

Something that amuses me hugely is how Lin Shu and Joshua literally both come back as 宗主? I love it so much! They come back with the same title! Both of them come back as clan leaders of an organisation that obeys their every command! Margrace is the 不死鳥教団の宗主(=leader of the cult of the undying bird) and Mei Changsu is 江左盟的宗主(=leader of the Jiangzuo alliance).

AND. Hooooo yea this PF fic is just JingSu at this point because oh, a handsome, principled, prideful, and stubborn prince who is a decorated warrior famed for his numerous military accomplishments and the man who is essential to the success of Lin Shu's/Joshua's plans? The resurrected boy barging into his prince's life: no matter how insane it is to choose your side, still "I choose you, Your Highness Prince Jing"??? The fact that the undervalued prince has a history with our secretive ghost protagonist? And (arguably) frequently thought about and missed the bright boy he knew once upon a time in happier days—"I know you," says Dion Lesage without a shadow of a doubt, extremely normal of him to instantly recognise a dead boy he met 20 years ago?

Mutual admiration of each other's integrity and capabilities? Reciprocal faith and remembrance? The foundation of deep respect and enduring friendship, their shared goals and shared family??? I froth at the mouth. JingSu are cousins, PF are stepsiblings by their parents' marriage. Each pair is bound by destiny and by choice—other people have made choices that permanently entangled each pair's lives together forevermore (Joshua+Dion and Jingyan+Xiaoshu), and the choice they themselves personally made to choose each other—

DO YOU SEE THE VISION.

How difficult it is to pursue justice when everyone involved is family and how impossible it is for Lin Shu the nigh-extinguished Chiyan fire for Joshua, the guttering flame, to indict Jingyan's father the Emperor of Liang Dion's father the Emperor of Sanbreque of his crimes against Joshua's family without opening old wounds and hurting many loved ones in the process including Dion himself. The people directly responsible for the tragedies are related to the protagonists in one way or another! If Lin Shu Joshua ever wants resolution for his grief unending, he has to strike at his beloved's father, and plot meticulously to avoid all of the dangers of attacking such a powerful enemy.

(Of course, I acknowledge the critical difference in Jingyan's versus Dion's feelings about their respective fathers.)

Now if only Joshua had done the famous blizzard scene with Dion instead of letting him go off to carry out his ill-advised coup—"Xiao Jingyan! You stand where you are! If I don't stop you today, what are you going to do? What do you think you can possibly accomplish if you charge in to challenge imperial power like this? Do you think you can simply force the Emperor [to do what you want/change his mind about Anabella Wei Zheng]? You have honour and valour but why do you just not have brains! How many more people must be hurt, you tell me!"

Anyway Joshy doesn't have the insufferable smugness of Xiaoshu but he does absolutely have Xiaoshu's pride, the sort of pride that is not just personal pride but familial pride too (after all Joshua comes from extremely prestigious lineage)—just look at how he speaks to Ultima in every scene, his lordly manner. Joshua I think has more Consort Jing to him, and Consort Jing is only my favourite character in all of NIF, in a drama where I love every character to bits—steel in softness, ever gentle ever polite yet not to be bullied and not to be underestimated and also extremely perceptive and learned and patient. Extra sweet bonus that Consort Jing is also a healer. Elegant, restrained, and very repressed. Who knows the depths of Joshua's Consort Jing's grief and loss?

But you know, Jingyan, near the end he is completely in charge—the prince who was always a great and respected general on the battlefield is now more than that, he's directly taking responsibility for all of his people as their future ruler—that means thinking on multiple fronts and exerting control over all of the key governing officials, not merely his military officers. He's leading with confidence, and there's that little scene where he apologises to Xiaoshu for taking action on several plans without consulting him, and Xiaoshu says no, this is the way it should be, this is the correct state of affairs: you are the crown prince, and this is rightfully your arena. You lead, you decide, you command.

Jingyan now sees clearly, he's found out and accepted the truths of his father's role in the atrocity at Meiling and everything that happened back then. He rightly perceives the failings of his family and seeks to redress past wrongs and avoid repetition of past mistakes, he weeds his court of the corrupt and the cowardly, he's become the best possible version of himself: stronger than ever, not just a powerful wartime commander-in-chief but an inspiring leader in the imperial court, careful, thoughtful and politically up-to-speed, finally stable in his sense of self instead of being permanently stuck as that angry and lost and hurting child. He has renewed purpose, he possesses hope for the future, he is able to dedicate himself fully to what he truly believes to be right and act in furtherance of righteous causes—

Critically, this is the man he becomes only because Xiaoshu came back into his life to shake it up. Without Xiaoshu he wouldn't even have the opportunity or means or knowledge. The radiant and fiery boy who Jingyan missed all his life came back to save him. From the outsider prince without contacts or support within the imperial court->to the crown prince who has the court subdued within the palm of his hand. From his pitiful existence as a neglected, unfavoured prince, his lowkey constant simmering resentment, his half-dutiful half-forced obedience of paternal orders that chafe at his conscience->into the steadfast and self-assured prince who is capable of fighting for the betterment of his country and the rallying point for virtuous officials who share those aspirations. The drama shows the audience that Jingyan is unquestionably ready to assume rulership, and together with the person he loves most, they achieve their goals, they save each other and their country (by arresting its downward slide due to the rotten state of its governance).

It's just a strong headcanon of mine (albeit one that I can absolutely present extensive arguments for) but to me Joshua Rosfield is the one and only character able to perform that same abovementioned function for Dion Lesage. Catalyst, turning point, spark that ignites the fire—whatever you call it, this is salvation. It is beautifully poetic that both Lin Shu and Joshua are characterised by fire. They are the fires of change that burn away the old life: before their arrival, the two war princes exist in a state of wearying routine, long-suffering and almost hopeless. Both Jingyan and Dion are shackled by their stations and duties, both are unloved sons with virtually no chance of their circumstances improving without drastic action, and both are trapped in precarious situations where they are subject to the whims of their father (if their imperial fathers turn on them, it will result in irrevocable loss of their status).

Dion's position is weak in the Oriflamme imperial court—pretty sure this point isn't up for debate, since no one ever speaks up in support of him despite the obvious injustice of his ill-treatment. His degree of influence in the court is much, much, so much less than any reasonable person might expect someone who is literally Bahamut and crown prince to have. The Council of Elders and other officials stand by haplessly while he is progressively stripped of power in favour of Olivier. Nobody defends him, nobody objects. (Or maybe some did, and were eliminated.) Even Dion himself submits to the abuse despite inherently superior abilities. Career politicians know which direction the winds blow—they don't defy their Empress, meaning they are either her cronies or too fearful of her to make themselves a target by any raising any opposition. Added to that is the implication that Dion was often away for long periods—and as Xiaoshu explicitly tells Jingyan in the drama, the crown prince cannot leave the imperial capital untended because that is the surest way to lose power. Dion may be Sanbreque's mightiest weapon and revered by the populace, but in practice his political sway is almost negligible. He is not able to leverage himself effectively.

Don't get me wrong, for these reasons I extra extra love the canon portrayal of J*** obeying Joshua against her wishes and T****** obeying Dion against his wishes—I absolutely think their obedience is, to them, the truest and highest and final demonstration of their love and understanding of their respective masters. And both Joshua and Dion expected no less from them. [I've not typed the names out just in case the search function ends up capturing the post and putting it in their tags, not because I hate those characters; I just don't want to be uncivil within fandom.]

But the very point here is that, you know, sometimes you aren't supposed to leave someone just because they say so. Sometimes it is the worst possible course of action to obey someone just because they command it. Sometimes it is undesirable at best and disastrous at worst to support someone's every decision out of unchanging (if uncharitable, one might even say unthinking) loyalty. That is a fundamentally unequal relationship, and while beautiful in its own way, is also uniquely doomed. The truth is, Joshua was always going to pull that trigger, and Dion was always going to pull that trigger: the master was always going to sever the relationship. Those pairs were doomed as soon as they began, because one party can only ever say yes, and yes means the end, you see? That is The End, that is the final break. By their very subordinate nature and by their established personalities within the game, "yes" is the one and only answer J*** and T****** can ever or will ever give. Their master will say, "Leave me", meaning it is over, and they will reply, "Yes, I obey". Because this is the only answer that proves their devotion, leaving them totally incapable of changing the script. Both J*** and T****** knew it and played their parts to perfection, and my heart hurts for them.

In NIF terms, I reckon J*** is Gong Yu, and T****** is Lie Zhanying. Zhanying will follow Jingyan to the end, whatever it may be—in fact in one episode he explicitly says so, and his loyalty is never in doubt. He will go to his death if Jingyan orders it. He will always support Jingyan's decisions. He and the rest of Jingyan's men have been following Jingyan even when the prince was out of favour and cold-shouldered and constantly dispatched to safeguard the country's frontiers—inconvenient places where comfort is low and the environment harsh. Jingyan's favoured brothers live in the lap of luxury within their palaces (like Olivier), while Jingyan himself (like Dion) has always been at war. And as with Zhanying, T****** will never be able to change this status quo on behalf of Jingyan (Dion). For all his boundless dedication to his lord, Zhanying will never be able to improve his prince's standing in the court, never be able to secure more political power for his prince (unless his prince decides to revolt/coup), never be able to make his prince's father love or prize his prince.

It is not a problem of character or willpower or desire. It is, simply put, a problem of power. It is a problem of class. The servant rises as their master rises, and falls as their master falls. In other words, the servant's status is determined by their master's status. Zhanying is Jingyan's deputy. When Jingyan's status was elevated, Zhanying naturally also assumed commandership over more troop divisions because those were allocated to the prince by the Liang Emperor. (There is no doubt in my mind that T******'s status as second-in-command is because of Prince Dion. He's too young to have earned that position by gradual promotion through meritorious accomplishment. Unless you're telling me that the knights dragoon don't have a single officer above age 30.) Zhanying is invaluable to Prince Jing in security, in warcraft, and in a variety of generic daily tasks. However, he is part of the rigid imperial system and lower in the hierarchy. He may persuade his lord, but he cannot order him. He may disagree, but he cannot defy. He may privately despise the Emperor/Empress, but he cannot show it and cannot act on it (literally treason). His role is to follow and obey. If he does not perform that role for whatever reason, he fundamentally negates his utility to his lord.

Ergo, endgame Jingyan is only possible because his true equal and soulmate, his real zhiji, came back to challenge the status quo. In fact, came back to challenge him. It is not merely the fact that this person understands him above all, it is also the fact that this person has the ability to act on that understanding. Jingyan is technically also Xiaoshu's prince, master, and eventual Emperor—so where is the difference?

The difference is, Lin Shu is comparable in nobility. Lin Shu is the cousin of princes and the incumbent Emperor's nephew, Lin Shu was raised amongst the imperial household, and played and studied and fought and hung out with them as peers of roughly equal rank. In this respect Joshua actually outstrips Lin Shu: Joshua is a prince by blood, and had Rosaria not fallen (especially if Sylvestre had not risen to the throne), would have been higher status than Dion. It's a massive pet peeve of mine that so many fans in XVI fandom don't seem to realise that Joshua was crown prince? Everybody knows Dion is crown prince, but do they realise Joshua is the original? In the English version prologue, the knights do call him "prince" and "your highness". The Rosarian throne is Joshua's by right of birth. At the time of their meeting as children, Joshua outranked Dion. They were equals as Dominants of their nation, but Dion back then was the child of a Cardinal and not the child of Sanbreque's ruler at that time; i.e. he was not a prince and not in line for the Sanbrequois throne.

The other wonderful similarity is Lin Shu's and Joshua's statuses as outsiders to the system when they reintroduce themselves to Jingyan/Dion. As Jingyan's strategist, Lin Shu has more leeway with regards to making his prince listen to him and take his advice. But importantly, he is now Mei Changsu, and that means he is able to play outside of the system. The imperial system effectively cast him out when it killed him. The strict codes of imperial conduct no longer chain him as they chain those confined within its structure. As a free agent unlike Zhanying, he has the right and privilege of choosing his own master. That includes the right to leave or to change his mind. And although the prince's strategist is supposed to be subordinate too, Xiaoshu would never truly be subordinate in the same fashion no matter how many times he bows his head, because at his core he is still high nobility and it still shines through despite everything. His manners are still perfect. He still navigates life with the easy expectation that people will serve him. He grabs the Duchess' hand and yells at Prince Jing and gloats at Marquis Ning. It's all the little ways that remind the audience, over and over, that this man was raised as a posh lordling. You can remove the boy from the upper class but you can't remove the upper class from the boy. It's the same with Joshua. His manners are still court-perfect. He still moves through life accepting that he will be served. He may bow his head to Dion and call him "your highness" but he also takes the liberty of throwing himself at Dion for a hug. Because to him, the prince is not some lofty and untouchable figure to be addressed with unfailing deference, he's just a friend.

(I know T****** is minor nobility, to be honest Zhanying definitely is too. The deputies of high level royals aren't going to be commoners. But I don't think I have to explain the gulf between ruling class/a close blood relative of the monarch versus lower nobility.)

Joshua too is an outsider that isn't beholden to Sanbreque's Emperor in the way that all of Dion and his knights owe their fealty. Again in this respect Joshua has it better than Xiaoshu—Joshua is his own sovereign master, and that should impact his perspective, his sense of self, and therefore his behaviour with others and how he navigates the world.

Gong Yu... I think anyone who's watched NIF will know exactly why I say that J***'s counterpart is Gong Yu lol. I think the s/h/u/a/t/e/s want her counterpart to be Princess (Duchess) Nihuang and they certainly produce fanwork in that vein, and I respect them for it because fans be doing what they love and hooray for that. But..... she's Gong Yu.

For all these reasons I am utterly obsessed with a Joshua that pushes back at Dion. The person able to challenge the status quo and challenge Dion. An equal who listens to Dion's absurd speech in the palace at Twinside and calls utter bullshit, who says, "A matter for the imperial family? are you joking? that's my mother, that's my younger brother. an imperial matter for you to resolve? say rather, our family, OUR problem to resolve. You don't get to go off half-cooked to arrest or kill my mother without actual political strategies, notwithstanding your military capability to launch a coup. And also, what about your dad? However much I love you, my darling Dion, we have to talk about the way that you insist on poor little meow meowing your awful father because my dear old mum didn't do Phoenix Gate alone and she for sure didn't immaculately conceive Olivier."

Endgame Dion isn't satisfactory in several glaring ways and it annoys me hugely that even unto the end he never grapples with and confronts the truth of his father instead of the idealised version that lives in his head. It's a little bizarre how Dion's arc is often praised by fans, since it feels very incomplete to me. Or, well, fine, perhaps just unsatisfying (since XVI simply isn't his story). His deep-seated need to be loved by his father prevents him from seeing anything clearly, which is so ironic for the only character to possess a third eye in canon? His honour and his might have been squandered in service to a selfish, uncaring, and objectively bad monarch, yet despite how earnestly Dion wants to be a good prince to his people he seems wholly incapable of recognising this fact? His mind repeatedly shies away from his father's shortcomings. In one scene he calls his father out for words befitting a tyrant, yet ultimately he persists in the belief that his father simply needs to be saved from Anabella's evil influence as if Sylvestre Lesage isn't a 50-year-old adult man who schemed his way to the throne and killed a woman's whole family and happily married that woman to beget legitimate offspring with her.

Soooo....... I've just spoiled the whole plot of my fic but it's really just NIF nonsense as usual and that is actually extremely predictable of me. But honestly the spoiling is not a big deal, because as with NIF, fundamentally my story is not meant to be plot-twisty and suspenseful—the real storytelling skill of the NIF drama is that the audience should be able to quickly grasp the overarching plot with no difficulty because the pleasure of this particular type of story is to watch the protagonist achieve their heart's desire, step by delicious step. The objective of this type of story is to properly pay off what it promises. NIF=the wronged protagonist seeks justice. We already know Lin Shu will obtain justice by the end of the tale, what we are here to enjoy is the journey! Same really for IEM I reckon; by the end of chapter 1 Joshua's goals should be really obvious, and since my little fic will have the happy ending tag because I only ever write happy endings, the audience basically knows he'll succeed—it's very much a journey not destination kind of story.

Ooof the post is crazy long and took me 3 nights to compose an answer and I haven't even managed to go into any TGCF elements but that work mainly contributes to characterisation instead of plot. One of the craziest XVI scenes was the Hideaway's sickbay after Twinside, the genuine regret Joshua expressed and how he blamed himself for not reaching out to Dion sooner; now the Empire and her prince lie in ruins etc. Surely he remembers this is the country that destroyed his own? Surely??? What kind of person, robbed of home and throne, can find it in himself to respond with so much empathy and kindness? Sanbreque has now experienced pretty much the same tragedy they inflicted on Rosaria two decades ago, and isn't that just the funniest parody of divine retribution? Instead of viewing this as Sanbreque's just deserts, Joshua Rosfield pities them and wishes he could have helped them avert this disaster.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wonderfully Xie Lian-coded. Something something someone who has been through the worst and nevertheless chooses goodness and kindness. Someone who intimately understands the ugliest and lowest depths that people sink to, yet refuse to lose themselves in that temptation even when vengeance would seem perfectly justified.

You've known for a long time now that I love a Joshua who is very similar to his mother. This is why lol. It's about that delicious, delicious contrasting foil. It is the difference between Jun Wu & Xie Lian, as it is the difference between Anabella & Joshua. That the indestructible integrity we see from Xie Lian or Joshua didn't come easy, they weren't born perfect, their ethics were tested and forged and earned through suffering the likes of which most people will never know. The person that they have each become is the sum of their choices actively made. In the canon of TGCF and XVI, both of these ex-crown-princes live on in disgrace, in circumstances best described as reduced and humiliating, their respective kingdoms fallen, their wealth and glory spent—but they are better and braver human beings than everyone around them, they are beautiful and noble souls, quiet and unacknowledged, and only Hua Cheng and Dion truly see and fully understand that (and therefore cannot help but love them utterly).

I've a few more thoughts regarding Joshua swirling around as captured in other Xie Lian posts: here, here, here, and here. Not sure if you know TGCF or are into it as well, but just leaving links to those posts here for my own benefit too. I've been gravitating towards phoenixflare comparisons in various hualian meta posts since early 2024 so clearly these concepts have been stewing in my head for some duration, but I haven't fully teased out what it is about these two ships that gives me that niggling sense of connecting similarities.

^ Whereas I clearly know exactly what it is about JingSu that makes me point and holler "THEM!"

[anomalys-taxonomy]

thinks about whumpees who’ve been changed. Maybe their body stopped trying to heal in certain spots, because the injury just kept happening. Maybe their bones have grown to odd shapes, accommodating them to one torture or another. Maybe their joints are so loose from repeated stress positions they have difficulty with doing normal tasks without dislocations. Idk.. just.. marks that aren’t even necessarily from being harmed by someone else, but from your body *getting used to it*

[astarab1aze]

➥ General Nightfolk Opinions on Sex and Sexuality

fair warning: probably not handled 100%, but i'm not trying to be anything but absolutely positive here in the way my world works; sex and gender are smallest potatoes compared to other things nightfolk have to contend with, so instead of griping, they accept, help, and move on.

nightfolk are typically fair and free where it comes to sex, and all matters regarding. who one sleeps with isn't of any concern except in matters of particular hierarchical structures (i.e. vampiric nobility), but even in such cases, it's normal, even customary, for one to explore their sexuality (common for nobility to take lovers of all genders). so long as all that happens behind closed doors is consensual, it's nobody's business and nobody really wants to know - except for the gossipy little bitties who enjoy the thrill of all the spicy details. some restraint, but not so much as to do away with old fertility festivals, sex magic as a practice, myriad effective forms of magical contraception-- rather, an accepting and understanding overall view of sex, given their acceptance of their natures as magic-based animals the same way humans are primates, they have a much easier time finding solutions to all manners of public health problems (which the process of solving has been slow, but sure), romantic interpersonal struggles, among plenty other things. this isn't to say there aren't some factions who champion abstinance, monogamy, order, restistence to temptation - particularly the more religious sects, sans the Sanguinarians and Face-Eaters; restrictions set upon personal and sexual freedoms as a means of controlling even their most ardent of worshippers.

vampires, especially sanguiniarian vampires, go beyond what is generally acceptable and are the most egregious about their sexuality, completely indulgent to the point of utter hedonism. they are the very definition of excessive in their pursuit of pleasure and fulfillment, which is interwoven into many aspects of their lives as forms of worship of sanguinach. rituals and the like, such that brings them ever closer to their dreadfather, their master of blood and carnal appetite. on the other hand, hargraven the face-eater is a different beast entirely, driven moreso by plain instinctive drive. distinctly more animal than even vampires, and certainly more inclined toward rough intercourse, though they are, in turn, just as furiously protective over their chosen partners. a different extreme, one that can be equally as terrifying - a predatory is always frightening to prey - as it is tender. followers of hargraven are often incredibly intense lovers, but they are lovers at heart.

most nightfolk are bisexual; this is the norm for their sets of species.

leaving that aside, gender expression and all that informs one's identity is overwhelmingly viewed as a deeply personal and therefore private journey. they are not taken with judging people for their immutable traits and do not care one way or the other, but due to the nature of gender identity as a whole, most are protective of themselves in this and play it close to the vest anyway. humans are not so kind, and there are still some who aren't so open-minded (though they aren't frequently encountered); moreover, all anyone wants to be seen as is their gender of choice, and there are various forms of alteration, illusion, and shapeshifting magic that aid in quickly albeit permanently change physical and reproductive characteristics that make this truly possible. one need only find a licensed bloodweaver or other mage specialized in these categories, and the needed changes can be made. no judgment, only a nuanced are you absolutely certain, and your word is what they go with. the spells and rituals and the like are a fair bit complicated, but sure to work as intended and allow the individual to find the peace of mind and comfort they seek. any legal paperwork for changing social security numbers and names and such will be provided in the office if you haven't already gotten those things taken care of. very accommodating, and also required by the international nightfolk coallition for all governments to enforce.

the idea here is to help and respect people for their choices, whatever their reasons for making them. it isn't anyone's place to deny anyone else the comforts of the most basic of personal needs - comfort within one's own skin as who they are, not what anyone wants them to be. alterations and such aren't the only proposed solutions, far from it; many options are made available to anyone who needs them - one size doesn't always fit all. tender, compassionate care is always given.

[strange-ghoul]

Comfort (Transmasc Reader x Cardinal Copia)

You come out to the Cardinal, and he realizes that you haven't been taking care of yourself so well. Don't fret! He's here to help you through this tough time and get you squeaky clean.

Word count: 4,342 Rating: General Audiences || Fluff

Posted On AO3

  The night was bright; the full moon was shining upon the gardens below. Here you sat on a balcony that overlooked those gardens. You watched as the wind blew harmlessly past some rose bushes. The garden was well kept, all thanks to Primo, which had always been your safe place. Tonight, however, you couldn't bring yourself to walk along the paths.

  Honestly, you were lucky to be out at all. You hadn’t left your dorm in about a week, only to do your mandatory chores and to snag food before going back to eat in your room. You’ve heard only a few whispers from some siblings, but you tried not to let it bother you.

  Your dorm became your second safe place, next to the gardens. You had covered all the mirrors and the windows were constantly shut. You had your books to occupy you and whatever videos you saw on your phone. You were currently saving for a small TV, but that was going to be a minute.

  This past week, your body and gender dysphoria was getting worse and worse, more than it ever has before. You weren’t out to anybody, as you were terrified of ever coming out. It wasn’t that you thought they’d hate you, no, quite the opposite actually; the clergy was overwhelmingly accepting of everything and anything. Your deep seated trust issues however formed by a long ago negative reaction made you untrusting all the same. Plus, all the change scared you. It was a good change, absolutely, but you felt so much anxiety in having this change that you just couldn’t bring yourself to do it. So you barred yourself off. Finding any and all reasons not to wear the dreading habit and not to engage in any social situations in which your gender might come into question.

  The night is where you get some time to yourself. You often came out to walk through the garden and breathe. Occasionally you’d help Primo where you could when you saw something amiss while the old man was sleeping. But even recently you didn’t have any energy to go all the way down there to sit and bask in the moon’s light.

  You leaned against the railing. You were wearing your habit because it was still early enough where a few siblings might still be walking. You’d rather not have any rumors floating around about losing faith. You hadn’t been really able to do anything with your faith since your issues started to worsen, however this did not mean you were losing it.

  There was a creek behind you, and you barely turned your head. The door was wide open, but nobody was there, with the exception of a rat sitting near the doorway. The hair on the back of your neck stood up.

  “Hello?” You called out, voice meek.

  “Sister.” You jumped out of your skin, the voice right next to you. Copia was already leaning against the rail, looking at you. He wore his black cassock and his eyes had the racoon makeup you always endeared.

  “Oh! Cardinal! I’m so sorry, I didn’t notice you,” You apologized, rubbing the back of your neck. You went to shut the door before returning next to him.

  “It is quite alright, Sorella. How have you been? I have not seen you in what feels like ages!” Copia asked, a comfortable smile on his lips. You sigh, feeling shitty from the title but knowing he meant well. He didn’t know anyways, so it was in no way his fault. Still, it hurt.

  “Yes, yes.. I’ve been… alright,” Your voice faltered, whatever facade you were trying to put up was failing miserably.

  “You are a terrible liar. Please, tell me what is on your mind,” Copia’s voice was soft and welcoming, and a part of you just wanted to get stuck in it forever. He reached out for your hand on the rail and gently laid his hand on yours. His thumb caressed the back of your hand.

  “Nothing, Cardinal. I’ve just… I’ve got a lot on my mind,” You muttered, looking off into the horizon. 

  “Let me silence your mind then. You’ve been missing, more than usual, might I add. Some of the others have seen you without your habits and occasionally missing from mass- what is going on, cara?” He turned to you and he grabbed your hand, peeling it off the rail and holding it in both his hands, “Did something happen? Have you lost faith?” He murmured. You couldn’t tell what he was thinking, his voice quiet as if whispering heresys. His eyes were cast downwards, locked on your hands.

  “No!” You said, a bit too loud which made him flinch, “I’m sorry, that was loud. No, I.. I have not lost faith. I just…” You took a shaky breath in,

  “Yes, sorella?”

  “Please, please stop calling me that.” You took your hand back and noticed how much you were shaking. You grabbed the rail tightly again, hands clammy.

  “I do not feel… like a sister.” Copia went silent, his brows furrowed.

  “Do you not feel cared for within the clergy? I am sorry, I did not realize-”

  “No, Cardinal. I do not feel like a girl. I… oh Satanas,” You groaned. This was happening. You were doing it. And to one of the most highest ranking clergy members. You were terrified. 

  You don’t remember when you collapsed to your knees, or when you buried your face into his shoulder as you sobbed against him, or when you crawled into his lap and he held you. All you remember is the amount of frustration, anxiety, pain, and hurt finally all spilling out in one go. You’ve got no idea how long you cried in his arms but now your head was pounding and you weren’t even sure if he knew why.

  “Copia…” You muttered finally.

  “Yes?”

  “I want… I want to be more like a boy. I.. I’m not a girl.” Copia pulled back, and for a moment, you feared you'd made a big mistake. But instead, he wiped your hot tears away. He kissed the top of your forehead and you looked down. He brought a hand under your chin, drawing you to look up at him.

  “Then be a man, fratello,” He looked away, his face turning red before turning back, “May I… kiss you? For comfort, of course.” You smiled and nodded. He leaned in, kissing you delicately on the lips. He was soft and tentative but held you close to him. You kissed back and your hands grabbed at his clothes in a desperate ploy to keep him close to you.

  He pulled back and analyzed your face for a moment.

  “Ah, we must change your clothes. These habits simply won’t do. Come, I’m sure we can grab some for you. I’ll give you some tips on how I managed pre-t,” He got up and extended a hand towards you. You took it and the two of you headed into the abby.

  “How you managed pre-testosterone?” You echoed in awe.

  “Si! I am a self-made man, caro. As are you. We should start the rather long process to get you what you need to help you transition as well. Though I’m sure with the Ministry’s reputation, we can speed up that process.” He winked at you and you smiled brightly.

  The two of you took off to the laundries. You paid no attention to the looks the two of you got as the both of you ran, hand in hand. Once in there, he began digging through the clean clothes, asking an assortment of questions to gauge the right size for you. You watched him and felt yourself tear up again. Nobody had ever gone to such an extent to make you feel comfortable.

  He looked up right at the time a tear fell from your face. He gasped and rushed over to you, “No! No more crying, why are you crying brother?”

  You gave him a smile and hugged him. You held him closely, squeezing him, “Thank you,” you whispered. He hugged you back, and gently patted your hair.

  “Of course, I can’t have my star sibling feeling down, now can I?” He pulled back.

  The door opened to the laundromats and entered one of the senior sisters. 

  She raised an eyebrow at the scene, “Now what are you two doing out of bed so late?” Her voice was teasing and light.

  “Ah! We’re getting Brother here some new clothes. These habits don’t work for him any more,” Copia managed, pulling back and bringing the clothes out like a child presenting a drawing to his mother. The elder sister looked over to you, and you just smiled and nodded sheepishly.

  “Ah, well leave this place as clean as you came in please. I hate having to fix it,” She waved as she dropped the basket she was holding, “Goodnight Cardinal, goodnight Brother!” And off she was. The two of you basked in silence, you felt like you were glowing.

  “I think I found your size now, let’s head back to yours and take out the rest of your habits. By tomorrow, I will make sure you have a full new laundry set with your dimensions.” The two of you took off back up to your dormitories. There weren’t as many siblings in the halls and you could gander it was getting close to midnight.

  “How are you feeling?” Copia asked as you two got to your door.

  “Better than I have in the last few years. Relieved? Light?” You tried to answer, “I just feel.. Okay. But not in the ‘im alright’ type way, but that everything is going to be okay. I’m sorry, I’m rambling.” You opened the door and gestured him in, he followed in and looked around the room.

  There were your personal clothes littering the room, cans and cups stacked up on your nightstand and books lying around with something random to keep a bookmark on a page. The room was shrouded in darkness, and when he clicked on the light it just felt more depressing.

  “Never be sorry for rambling to me, but… Oh my. What is with all the… eh… cloth?”

  “Oh! I was uh… covering the mirrors…” You were quiet as you took them down. Your breath hitched as you caught a glimpse of yourself for the first time in a week. You looked tired and frail. You watched yourself as you took off the veil over your hair and saw how greasy your hair was. You felt lopsided. You forgot how you haven’t shower in a week due to your dysphoria and you became even more insecure.

  As if he was reading your mind, he rushed to your side, “Let’s ignore the mirrors and room for now. Do you have a bath connected here?” He walked towards the door on one of the side walls of the room and noticed how small the bathroom was after opening. The mirror in that room was cracked, some of the shards still splayed the ground. You winced and looked away in shame. He looked over with pity but didn’t say anything.

  “Ah, well maybe come back to my room after we’re done in here for you to relax. You’ve been in here for too long- if you’re okay with that?” You hesitated a moment before nodding slightly, “Do not worry fratello, I will not try anything. I am not like the Papas,” You chuckled at that and sat on the bed. He walked over your clothes and opened the closet. Most of your personal clothes were falling off their hangers or stuffed into one of the three bottom drawers of the closet. Your habits sat on the very end of the closet, untouched and dusty for the most part.

  Copia grabbed a handful and laid them over his arm, then he grabbed the rest and did the same. He spun on his heel, “Can you grab your makeup and whatever else you use? Like binders, or a sports bra, really anything caro. I’m going to drop these off in the laundry.” You nodded and he left the room quickly. You delicately walked into the bathroom, grabbing your makeup bag and then going to the closet and taking out two of the binders you owned. You sat on the bed and waited for him. You ignored the mirrors as much as you could, terrified to fall back into the loop you’ve been going through for years now. For once, even if it’s just for tonight, you wanted to be content.

  Copia came back quickly, and the two of you walked across th1`e Abby to get to his sleeping quarters. The halls became dim and more decorated gothic till you stopped at his doors. He opened them, allowing you to step in.

  His room had a balcony overlooking the garden. He had a fireplace with chairs around it, a queen sized bed, a book shelf, and a larger-than-yours bathroom. At least, it was larger than your closet-under-the-stairs bathroom. In the corner of the room was a large cage filled with different enrichments for his multiple rats.

  You made your way to the balcony and noticed how much of the garden you could see up here; you briefly wondered if he’s seen you walking in the garden the previous nights.

  “Bello, no? I like to sit up here and feed my rats during the evenings. It’s much cooler.”

  “It is, the night is also so much calmer. Less squinting from the glares of the sun,” You commented. He nodded and then laid out your clothes on his bed.

  “Relax for a bit, I’m going to run the bath and get it warm for you.” You nodded and walked over to his bookshelf. You read the spines, occasionally taking a book out to flip through it to get a better understanding of it. You noticed he had a lot of books in Latin, and you wondered if he’d teach you if you asked. You heard some chirping and you looked over to his rat cage where they seemed to be staring at you from their various little houses. You cooed at them, giving a little wave when the bathroom door opened up.

  “Come, topolino!” You waved bye to the rats and went over to the bathroom.

  Copia’s cassock was discarded on the bathroom counter and he was wearing his black pants and a black long sleeved button up.

  “Can you undress for me?” He asked hesitantly, before shaking his head vigorously, “Not like that though!! I mean- I want to help you- like… groom you, eh?” He stumbled through, his ears and face turning red with embarrassment.

 “I… I would like that. Yes,” You answered, though unsure what he meant fully. You turned towards the bathroom to begin the shimmy of undressing, when you stopped. You met eyes with yourself and it felt like you were staring at a stranger.

  He noticed your hesitancy and got behind you, “May I help you?” He asked softly.

  “... please,” your voice was weak and you turned to face him and away from the mirrors. He nodded in understanding, kissing the top of your head delicately before taking off your garb.

  The habit came off fairly easily and the clothes under it were just a shirt and shorts. He was much more careful with the underclothes; he tried not to linger in any certain place in fear of making you uncomfortable. Once the shirt and shorts were off he folded them and sat them on the counter. He looked over at you and noticed how you were now looking at the ceiling, your body slightly shaking.

  “Fratello, look at me please.” You obeyed, looking back down to him, “You are a handsome man, si? Your body might not be the most optimal, but it will always be equally as handsome and beautiful as you are on the inside. Lucifer loves you despite your fears, as do I. You are a man, despite the changes that haven't happened yet, and I and everyone else will always see you as one.” He grabbed your chin and his thumb ran across your cheekbone. His eyes were filled with endearment. He gingerly made you raise your arms with his hands and took off the sports bra. You shivered at the cold air and cringed at the vulnerable feeling. 

  “You are very handsome and you’re going to get through this,” He whispered tenderly. You nodded. He bent down and helped pull your underwear off. You once again cringed, hating every second of this. He wasted no time in setting these items to the side and rushing you to the bathtub. You put a foot in and shivered. Going from cool heat to hot water always makes your hair stand up.

  You sat in the water and leaned against the wall. There were a light amount of bubbles already in the water, hiding your body from yourself effectively enough. He took his gloves off and rolled up his sleeves. He grabbed a cup that was on the counter and filled it with bath water, then kneeled down beside you on the floor and dumped it over your head. He cupped a hand at your eyebrows so you wouldn’t get any water in your eyes. He did this a few more times, making sure your hair was thoroughly drenched before reaching over to grab the shampoo. He poured a bit into his palm and sat the bottle on the floor. He sat up on the bath’s ledge this time, rubbing his hands together to make sure the soap got on both hands and then running his hands through your wet hair.

  You leaned into it, his fingers feeling nice against your unkempt hair and itchy scalp. You let out a content sigh as he scrubbed gently, making sure he lathered it well. He cleaned behind your ears and ran a hand from the bottom of your hair up.

  “Do you want to cut your hair?” He asked softly.

  “Satanas yes,” You looked up to him, “Can you?”

  “I don’t think it is a good idea for me to cut your hair, but we can get someone tomorrow morning to do it professionally. Would you like that?” You nodded and he smiled, “Good. I’ll call ahead first thing tomorrow.”

  He grabbed the cup again and began to wash the soap out of your hair. He still lightly scrubbed your hair as he did this, pulling out any tangles as he went.

  Then he grabbed the conditioner and poured quite a bit out. He was delicate when applying it but made sure it got everywhere he could reach in your hair. He then pulled back, admiring his work for a second before grabbing a hand cloth from behind him and dumping it in the bathtub. He took it out and wringed it out of its water before applying body soap, which he also got from behind him.

  “Caro, is it okay if you stand up for a bit? I need to wash you. I promise I’ll be quick.” You nodded hesitantly and slowly stood up. The cold air nipped at your skin and you tried to cover your breasts with your arms so you didn’t have to notice them. He moved with purpose and precision without missing a second. He started at your legs, working his way up and going over your nether regions lightly.

  “Mi dispiace but is it okay if I…?”

  “Yes, just… be fast please.” He nodded and you took a wider stance so it was easier for him to clean. He was true to what you asked, wiping the area down and going over the pubic hair. Light enough where you weren’t entirely uncomfortable, but enough to make it got you clean. You closed your legs as he dumped the washcloth into the bathtub and cleaned it off, reapplying soap before standing up. He cleaned your stomach and then went over your arms. He indicated for you to turn and so you did. He got your back and went up your neck. He went around your neck, making you giggle.

  He chuckled in amusement, “Ah, ticklish fratello?”

  “Slightly! Don’t exploit that!” You warn, looking over and playfully glaring.

  He shook his head, “Wouldn’t dream of it, caro.” He grabbed your shoulders and shifted you to face him, “However, I do need you to uncross your arms,” You cringed, “Si, si I know. Only for a moment. You need to be clean, and we’ll discuss better ways to do this later, I promise. I doubt you want me to always be the one to clean you.”

  “But what If I do?” You ask softly, “I mean not forever, but until I feel better.” He hummed, grabbing your arms and gently pulling them off you to expose your chest.

  “I’ll help you in any way you need, mi caro.”

   He was quick to soap you off the rest of the way and allowed you to sit back in the bathtub. He left the bathroom for a few minutes before reappearing with a towel and some pajamas.

  “Your water will be getting cold soon, you should get out,” He suggested softly. You groaned, not wanting to have to face the mirror before slowly dragging yourself out. He opened the towel and you practically fell into it. He wrapped it around you, bringing you into a backwards hug. He snuggled into you, his body pressing tightly behind you as he nuzzled into your neck. You laughed slightly, feeling relief wash over you as you realize the harder part of the evening was over. 

  “Alright, change into these and I’ll be waiting for you out here. Can you do that?”

  “Yep! I’ll be out in a minute.” He left the room and you slowly shrugged the towel off. You ignored the mirror completely and quickly got your sports bra and underwear on. It helped being able to only see clothes and not the skin. Then you put on the silk pants he gave you and an oversized cotton long-sleeved shirt. They were both big on you, but it worked well for now. You assumed that these were probably his clothes, and your face got a little hot. You look yourself over in the mirror, and you felt a little better about yourself.

  You left the bathroom and saw Copia sitting in one of the chairs with a brush on the arm of the chair and scrolling through his phone. He was now in his own pajamas, and the fire was going bright and proud. He put his phone down and smiled brightly once you entered.

  “Come here, let me brush your hair. I noticed it was becoming matted, much worse than the rat nests that my pets create,” He joked, motioning you towards him. You chuckle, then followed his orders. He pointed to the floor and you gave him a confused look.

  “Sit down there, it'll be easier to brush your hair. I already booked a hair appointment for tomorrow as well.”

  “Thank you so much, Copia,” You said as you sat down. He hummed, and ran a hand through your hair. He then began brushing your hair while absently humming a tune.

  “You mentioned you’ve done testosterone, have you been through anything else?” You ask without really thinking. You were too deep in thought, staring into the fire as it crackled and popped.

  “Si, I have. I’ve medically transitioned as much as is safe for me.” Your thoughts begin to go elsewhere, and your face heats up. You can’t tell if it’s the heat from the fire or thinking of his bottom surgery, and you’d rather not find out, “Though, you do not need to medically transition. You don’t even need to go on ‘t’ if you don’t want to, caro. Do what you think is right on this journey, not what others think you should be doing.” You hummed and a comfortable silence filled the room.

  He was careful with his brushing, always grabbing your hair at the scalp if it was a rather tough tug to minimize any potential pain. It took nearly five minutes to get your hair under control.

  “Ahh, all done. Now, I want to know, do you wish to do makeup now, or go to sleep and do it tomorrow? It’s just what I find helps best with outlining your more masculine features, so it’s no rush,” He asked, putting the brush down. You got up and sat at the chair opposite of his.

  “I think I’d like to sleep. So much has happened and I just want to take it all in, y’know?” 

  He nodded in understanding, “Si. I will sleep on the couch. You can use the bed.”

  You gave him an incredulous look, “What? Your bed is big enough for the both of us, if you want to share that is.” He looked surprised for a second, but nodded.

  “Of course, as long as you are comfortable fratello.” You two got up and went to the bed.

  The both of you set up your little areas and you stiffly got under the covers, not realizing how different it feels to sleep in someone else's bed. He took note of this.

  “Are you okay with this?” He asked cautiously, unsure of how to approach the situation.

  “Yes, I’m just… not used to this. At all,” You muttered. It was a lot to take in. The love and care from the cardinal was so much, and you just didn’t understand it fully. He scooted closer to you, wrapping his arms around your lower abdomen.

  “Is… this okay?” He whispered into your ear, setting his head down on your shoulder.

  “Yeah,” You whispered back. He kissed you slightly on the neck, breathing you in. Your hand fell onto his, and slowly darkness consumed you both. In the comfort of each other's arms, cared and loved for.

[fullscoreshenanigans]

Reading the vowsverse wedding update like

A spark or pull is important but love is a choice love is a choiiiiiccccceeee—