#ableist disabled people

[lordofdapies]

This is not a post about people with severe disabilities. @nightmaretour listed” people with fibromyalgia/pots/hEDs” first.

This is a post about silencing folk who are “less disabled” and shaming them into sharing the spotlight.

You aren’t even being coy about it.

If you were capable of self reflection you would be very ashamed of yourself right now. This is how they win.

You’re not trying to bring attention to severe disabilities. This is not how it’s done.

If you manage to raise yourself up this way, you’ll be sitting on a pile of shit

You don’t speak for me

[aetherial-boy]

Disabled people should be allowed to exist in public. Yes, I mean all disabled people.

That includes people with tic disorders.

That includes people who smell ‘bad’.

That includes people who can’t help being loud.

That includes people who move ‘strangely’.

That includes people with bulky mobility aids.

That includes people who drool.

That includes people who struggle with incontinence.

We all should get to exist, however that looks, and go out in public, use public transport, do activities outside our homes. And we should be allowed to do those things without being glared at or having ableist things said to us.

[sonknuxadow]

[giantkillerjack]

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

[plain-text version of this post can be found under the cut]

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

Plain-text version:

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

P.S. Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

[everythingwasnormalhere]

There's so much wrong with "everyone is a little bit autistic"

Yes, allistic people might know a lot of facts about the things they like. Yes, allistic people might get a bit overwhelmed or underwhelmed sometimes. Yes, allistic people might not get an expression sometimes, mostly if it's the first time they hear it.

That doesn't make them autistic.

Those traits only make someone autistic when they become disabling. Because, big shock, autism is a disability. Yeah, even if someone is low support needs, because that doesn't mean they don't need any support at all.

Saying "everyone is a little bit autistic" is like saying "everyone struggles with this, so suck it up, you have no right to need help". Which is just pure ableist bullshit. It denies the fact that autistic people have higher support needs than NTs, no matter where in the autistic spectrum they are. We're not "neurospicy", we're disabled, and denying this fact is denying us the right to get the help we need, we deserve, to have a good life.

(yes, this rant is just because I made the awful decision of listening to "neurospicy (interlude)" by Jax. honestly I'd rather be called a slur than listen to that shit again.)

[thedisablednaturalist]

physically disabled person: hi

every abled neurodivergent person in the whole world: Hi I know this isn't about autism but I have executive dysfunction and I really think we should talk about that more not to derail or anything I just wanted to share my experience :) don't forget that not all disabilities are visible! I have anxiety and depression and this explains sooo much!

[starfishinthedistance]

Friendly reminder that if you support reproductive rights and bodily autonomy but say that disabled people shouldn't have children because they'll pass down their genes which is "cruel" or "abusive", you do not support reproductive rights and bodily autonomy. Reproductive rights do not only concern abortion for cis white abled women.

[nightmaretour]

If you consider yourself a disabled activist or ally and still go around saying shit like "Am I having a stroke?" or "I feel like I'm having a stroke!!" or "you/x must be having a stroke!" in a joking/insulting manner have you considered that maybe you aren't, you're just fucking ableist and I'm allowed to throw rocks at you

[ionlytalktodogs]

Controversial take but it’s actually not the job of random disabled people to educate your kids on disabilities. If your child stares, asks a rude question, or gets in the way of a disabled person, the responsibility falls on you to deal with that. It’s not the child’s fault for being curious or uneducated (that is quite literally the JOB of children) but it’s also not the job of a literal stranger to parent your kid for you.

[aroaceleovaldez]

one of the things that I found particularly interesting in Demigods of Olympus is that it finally gives the best direct comparison we've seen so far between Percy and another character's experiences in terms of academics and particularly ableist discrimination.

The way Zane describes his experiences and what we see in his POV is that, while he is similarly discriminated against for his "atypical" behavior and blame is placed on him, the only sorts of punishments he receives for this are relatively benign, such as an increase in counseling. (It is also notable that Zane is somewhat autistic-coded, such as having the "incorrect" scripts when speaking with adults and Sam explicitly reminding him to remember to make proper eye contact.) Percy, on the other hand, similarly experiences discrimination for "atypical" behavior, but whereas Zane is treated as "too smart for his own good" and given slaps on the wrist, Percy is automatically labeled as aggressive, destructive, and a trouble-maker based on preconceived assumptions about him and is more severely punished, such as being frequently expelled.

We rarely get this level of direct comparison between Percy's experiences and that of another character, particularly such similar experiences, so looking at the differences is really interesting to gauge what their different experiences with ableist discrimination is like - and how it could potentially tie into intersectionality and other forms of discrimination at play for them.

For instance, Zane's parents are generally heavily implied to be middle-class and/or generally financially secure, versus Percy who grew up poor, so it could be classism in combination with ableist discrimination. Alternatively, it could be intersectionality with racial discrimination, as neurodivergent behavior in people of color is significantly more likely to be punished more severely and labeled as aggressive or disruptive behavior due to racist preconceptions - particularly since we know Percy's experiences with ableist discrimination are also somewhat based on assumptions people make regarding his appearance. Both Zane and Percy are racially ambiguous - Zane's appearance essentially being completely unspecified, but Percy at least having some notable details such as having a deep tan complexion. If not racism, it could also be colorism, which in this context often has similar intersectionality. There's a lot of potential options.

It's just very interesting to me! I love having such a direct point of comparison to examine the experiences of two characters within.

[magnetothemagnificent]

"Neurospicy" is the same to me as "differently abled" and "handicapable" and "autism is a superpower".

[sleepysleepysleepybaby]

people who hate slow walkers are ableist

[disabled-dragoon]

More and more I'm exposed to the trend of people seeing me, an ambulatory wheelchair user, out of my chair and feeling the need to express how "proud" or "happy" they are to see me walking and I need these people to understand that, while I know it's often coming from a good place, that is such a condescending, utterly demeaning thing to say to someone who uses any form of disability aid, not least a wheelchair user

[blue-thief]

this line apparently getting censored in countries + christian linke scrambling to give shallow (and ableist) "asexual rep" to "invalidate" jayvik.... we can never win i fear 😭😭😭

[talkingattumble]

Chronic pain is. Such an unfathomable concept to people. I’ll be like “hey I’m gonna rest for an hour or two because I reached my limit on walking/exercise and I’m in a lot of pain right now” and then a family member or friend will say”actually this article says that’s really bad for you” and the article in question is always something like “Health Tips for the Average Normal Healthy Person by Mike Ablebodied”

Not to mention finding resources like. I’ll find resources by disabled people and it’ll be like “hey exercise is important, but find a way to workout that uses less spoons, and if you’re having a high pain day then take a break, and here’s some exercises you can do from bed”. And then I’ll find some able bodied persons fibromyalgia tips and it’s like “if you don’t walk sixteen miles every day your muscles will atrophy and you’ll die also your mobility aid makes you weak”. Guess which one of those sources I trust more. And now guess which sources the people around me always seem to find and listen to. Are these kinds of things common or am I just unlucky? Does anyone else have this problem?

[thedisablednaturalist]

I think some of us ambulatory wheelchair users are getting pretty close to (or already are) throwing full time users and higher support needs disableds under the bus. And that shit needs to be shut down NOW.

It's the problem of: "how dare they treat us like those people!"

The problem with ableists isn't that they assume we can't walk The problem is they assume we don't need our wheelchairs if we can. That we don't need our handicapped placards or transport vehicles. That we are taking advantage of other "actually" disabled people, that the ableists also don't give a shit about unless they're using them as an excuse to be ableist.

The problem with ableists isn't that they assume we are intellectually and/or developmentally disabled. The problem is they assume that every intellectually/developmentally disabled person needs to be treated with baby talk, dismissal, and ignorance. That they don't see them as people and refuse to listen to intellectually and developmentally disabled voices without making fun of them.

Stop throwing people with higher support needs under the bus. Stop doing what the abled neurodivergent community did to all physically disabled people. Us cripples gotta stick together and fight for one another, not push one down to make ourselves somehow look better to ableist fucks.