#aNYWAY CHRISTMAS IS STARTING ON NOVEMBER 27TH FOR ME ANYWAY

[breadbrobin]

GOD i want to listen to christmas music SO BAD but i CANT bc it’s not DECEMBER YET and that’s a CRIME FUCK—

[remcycl333]

Hey rem 💖

I just wanted to say thank you and also share my story in case it might help someone who's struggling.

It happened at the end of last month but I was feeling a bit shy so I didn't share it at the time but anyway 💕

I manifestation (revised) getting my 10 days off after my manager told me she couldn’t give it to me.

So where I am from, every month you work, you accumulate 2,5 paid days off and you can chose when to use them as long as you tell the manager before they start making the schedule. I had accumulated 10 but since it was my first job, I did not know and asked for 8 days off. I had asked for those days all the way back in August because I wanted to be sure to have Christmas off.

For personal reasons I decided to resign and leave at the at the end of November but they told me they needed help for the month of December so I decided to stay but asked to get my 8 days vacation. I had asked to be off from the 21st to the 28th but when I realized I could ask for 10 days, I asked to get from the 19th to the 28th off instead. However, my manager told me she could only give me 8 days (from the 19th to the 26th and I would go back to work on the 27th) because I wasn’t supposed to work that month and she had already made the planning and adding my 10 days off would be too much. I resigned myself until I saw that she actually gave me only 4 days. 

I was super mad and I was going to text her about it but 💖 I read your post on revision and how you revise your day to have been better 💖 so I was like: - I want 10 days so I’m getting 10 days on the dates I wanted. - So I affirmed: “I’m so happy I got my 10 days off from the 19th to the 28th and guess what!”

I went to sleep, woke up having totally forgotten about it and then I received the notification that my leave was approved by my other manager from the 21st to the 28th but on my schedule I'm actually off from the 19th to the 28th 🥳. 

All that in less than 24 hours 💖

(I ended up resigning again but a win is a win!!)

Thank you so much for your posts and overall presence on this platform 💕 You've literally helped me so much!!!

Have a good day 💜

yay that's so exciting!! im so glad i've been of help to you <3 i hope you have a wonderful christmas 🤍

[weepingfromacedartree]

Ten Milestones (Interlude): Voicemails

Hi friends!

Another interlude chapter is ready for ya. It's quite different than our standard chapters, so... enjoy :)

Two quick notes:

1. This interlude spans the first five-ish years of Colin’s travels abroad. It starts after the events of Chapter 5 and will lead directly into next chapter.

2. Anytime “…” appears between paragraphs, it’s to indicate that the speaker is pausing for a few seconds.

June 9th, 2015 - 3:23 PM

To: colin ✈️

From: pen ✨✨

Hey! I wanted to call and make sure you landed safely. But I, uh —

[Laughter.]

I think I got the timing wrong. I think you’re still in the air. So just call me back whenever you do land.

…

I still can’t believe you’re really doing this. I mean —

[Nervous laughter.]

Obviously, I can believe it. I just — I can’t wait to hear all about it. 

Bye, Colin. 

~~~~~~~~~~

June 29th, 2015 - 7:07 AM

To: pen ✨✨

From: colin ✈️

Hey, Pen. I just emailed you a few pictures, but um —

[Laughter.]

Did you know there are like a million stray cats roaming around Athens? I swear, there’s at least one on every corner, popping his head out looking for food or attention. But I was just going for a run and — I swear to god — I saw the reincarnation of Mr. Whiskers pissing on an olive tree. This tiny grey fur ball looked up at me and —

…

Wait. Is Mr. Whiskers dead? He would be like twelve now, right? I —

…

Well… In the case that he’s still alive, I think I just saw his long lost Greek cousin. Professor Whiskers, maybe.

[Laughter.]

Alright, Pen. Talk soon. 

~~~~~~~~~~

August 27th, 2015 - 2:13 PM

To: pen ✨✨

From: colin ✈️

Hey, Pen. Just saw your text. Yes, I landed safely. Yes, Madrid is beautiful. No, I have yet to try the paella — but I promise you’ll be the first to receive my review. 

[Laughter.]

I’ll call you later once I get a bit more settled. Bye Pen. 

~~~~~~~~~~

October 18th, 2015 - 9:20 PM

To: colin ✈️

From: pen ✨✨

Hey. I just finished reading over the Italy piece. It was good. Like, really good… But perhaps one too many cheese puns? 

…

Anyway… Call me back when you have the chance. You still haven’t told me about Caffè Florian. [Laughter.] Do they even stock enough sugar for your tea? 

…

Okay, well… Goodnight Colin. 

~~~~~~~~~~

November 23rd, 2015 - 7:39 AM

To: pen ✨✨

From: colin ✈️

Hey, Pen. 

Sorry. I know it’s early. But I also know today is gonna be shit so, uh…

…

Call me later, if you can. 

~~~~~~~~~~

December 16th, 2015 - 10:01 PM

To: pen ✨✨

From: colin ✈️

Hey, Pen. I’m calling from Paris and —

I don’t know why I said that. [Laughter.] Obviously you know I’m in Paris. But, I — I was just watching the tower light up and I had a sudden memory of you telling me you wanted to come here once and I…

…

I could be misremembering. [Faint laughter.] It was a while ago, I think. But I think you’d like it here. I’ll tell you all about it at that surprise Welcome Home/Birthday/Christmas Eve Party that I know absolutely nothing about. 

Night, Pen. See you soon.

~~~~~~~~~~

February 14th, 2016 - 9:27 PM

To: pen ✨✨

From: colin ✈️

Hey, Pen. I hate to admit it, but I am only just now realising that time zones exist and that if it’s 9:30 in New York, it’s…

…

Shit. 2:30 in London.

I apologise for ringing you in the middle of the night —

Actually — no I don’t. If I recall correctly, you’re up writing or reading or procrastinating until at least 3 AM every night anyway. Please call me back ASAP with your own apology for dodging this very important phone call. 

~~~~~~~~~~

April 7th, 2016 - 8:08 PM

To: pen ✨✨

From: colin ✈️

Hey, Pen. I’m on the train heading into Chicago. My computer just died, so I apologise in advance for the stream of consciousness bullshit I’m about to leave for you in this message. But, um…

There’s something about being on this train that has me thinking about travel and distance and —

Good god, this already sounds corny. Sorry. Bear with me a moment. 

…

It wasn’t until I landed in New York that I realised just how far away from home I was. I looked it up, and the city was about five and a half thousand kilometres away from London. I mean — god. I remember being at Eton and thinking 35 kilometres was an insane distance. 

In January, New York was the furthest place I had ever been from home. Then I went to Toronto, and that became the furthest place I had ever been from home. Now I’m heading into Chicago and —

I don’t know. There’s something about being on a train that’s making me hyper-aware of just how fast I’m hurdling forward. How, every second, I’m travelling even further and further away from the pinpoint where I’ll always measure my distances from. I —

[Tired laughter.]

I’m not sure where I’m going with this, honestly. Nonetheless, thank you for lending me your future ear — assuming you actually made it this far. I —

…

Oh — I see the city up ahead. Once I get to my hotel, perhaps I can try to turn this bullshit into something a bit less corny. 

I’ll call you tomorrow. Night, Pen. 

~~~~~~~~~~

June 6th, 2016 - 6:15 PM

To: pen ✨✨

From: colin ✈️

Hey, Pen. 

Guess who’s flight just took off without him? I know — shocking, coming from such an experienced traveller such as myself. But my connecting flight was delayed so I really can’t take any of the blame.

…

Anyway… I’m stuck in Terminal E of Logan International, where I’ll likely be spending the next several hours dying from boredom and eating as many bags of crisps as I can get my hands on. If you aren’t too busy, maybe you can call me back and help with the boredom bit. 

Talk soon. 

~~~~~~~~~~

August 7th, 2016 - 12:49 PM

To: colin ✈️

From: pen ✨✨

Hi! I was just looking at your pictures from Cyprus and I —

[Distant clap of thunder.]

Oh. [Laughter.] I was wondering what it’s like to be in beautiful, sunny weather in the middle of the summer. Must be devastating. 

~~~~~~~~~~

September 21st, 2016 - 8:30 AM

To: pen ✨✨

From: colin ✈️

Hey, Pen. I was just reading back your notes on my piece and I’m a little confused about the last one. 

What the fuck does “too many food puns” mean? The only reason I came to Hungary was to capitalise on its pun potential. 

Please call me back ASAP so we can get this sorted.

~~~~~~~~~~

December 24th, 2016 - 12:02 AM

To: pen ✨✨

From: colin ✈️

Hey, Pen. 

Sorry, I know it’s late. But I’m also waiting around doing absolutely nothing, so I thought I would check in. 

I’m still in Sweden. But we’ll, uh — we’ll probably take off in the morning once the snow lets up. I —

…

I can’t believe it’s been six months since I’ve seen you. Since I’ve seen anyone at home. I’m a little worried that I’ll get home tomorrow and find that Greg now towers over me. Hyacinth called me last week just to complain about his latest growth spurt, so…

… 

Oh shit. Sorry — I knew it was late, but I didn’t realise it's already midnight. 

Merry Christmas Eve, then. I suppose it’s still technically the 23rd in London — but I suppose that doesn’t matter much when it comes to voicemails. 

I feel like there’s another commemoration on this date that I’m forgetting. It’s on the tip of my tongue, but it’s so late and I’m just so bloody tired…

…

Oh well. It’ll come back to me. 

Night, Pen. See you soon.  

~~~~~~~~~~

May 3rd, 2017 - 11:50 PM

To: pen ✨✨

From: colin ✈️

Hey, Pen. Sorry. I didn’t realise how late it was. I —

…

Did you know that you can’t sink in the Dead Sea? The water is so dense with salt that your body will just pop up if you try to go under. You could try your absolute hardest to sink to the bottom, and it just wouldn’t let you. 

I think there’s a metaphor in there somewhere. But it’s also very late and I just spent half the night staring at a Word doc and I’m starting to lose my ability to process complex thought. 

…

Fuck it. I’m sending you the first draft now. It’s shit, but if you’re not too busy tomorrow, maybe you can send me your thoughts. And prayers.

…

Alright. Night Pen. 

~~~~~~~~~~

August 24th, 2017 - 10:17 PM

To: colin ✈️

From: pen ✨✨

Hey! Um… 

Daphne wanted me to call and remind you all not to get the groom too drunk the night before his wedding. Fair warning: if you don’t call me back within five minutes to confirm that Simon is still standing upright, she’s prepared to send Eloise in to break up the party. 

~~~~~~~~~~

October 10th, 2017 - 7:54 PM

To: pen ✨✨

From: colin ✈️

Hey, Pen. Just calling ‘cause I wanted to ask if you’ve ever tried pickle soup. It sounds kind of strange but —

[Slurp.]

Good god. It’s bloody delicious. Absolutely recommend. 

[Slurp.]

Talk soon. 

~~~~~~~~~~

December 31st, 2017 - 10:58 PM

To: pen ✨✨

From: colin ✈️

Hey, Pen. At the risk of sounding extremely needy… 

You’re still coming tonight, right? God knows who invited her, but Cressida Cowper is here and she keeps handing me tequila shots and I really don’t —

…

Oh shit! There you a—

~~~~~~~~~~

January 19th, 2018 - 2:30 PM

To: colin ✈️

From: pen ✨✨

Hi! Just wanted to call and see how Sydney’s treating you so far. Is it weird to be experiencing summer in the middle of January? 

[Laughter.] 

Anyway… Call me back when you have the chance. 

~~~~~~~~~~

April 20th, 2018 - 5:58 PM

To: pen ✨✨

From: colin ✈️

Hey! Good news — the baby’s here! In worse, but also extremely funny news…

Apparently El walked in while Daphne was pushing. Mum said her face literally went white before doubling over onto the floor. I —

…

Actually, I should probably go and check on her. I think they’re treating her for a concussion as we speak. 

See you soon. 

~~~~~~~~~~

May 24th, 2018 - 4:44 PM

To: colin ✈️

From: pen ✨✨

Hey! Sorry — can you call me back when you have the chance? I know we’re supposed to get lunch tomorrow, but Danbury just called and asked if I could come in tomorrow about the columnist position and I know we already had to postpone, but I’m worried I —

[Sigh.]

Sorry. 

[Nervous laughter.] 

I’m rambling. Call me back so we can discuss.

~~~~~~~~~~

June 25th, 2018 - 6:21 PM

To: pen 💛 

From: colin 🤡

Hey, Pen. Just wanted to call and see how your first day on the job was. And, of course, to complain about having to travel by myself again. I almost forgot how bloody boring these layovers can be without someone there to complain about them with. 

[Faint laughter.] 

In person, I mean. 

…

Anyway, call me when you’re free. I can’t wait to, uh — 

[Cough.]

To hear about your day. Talk soon. 

~~~~~~~~~~

August 22nd, 2018 - 9:09 PM

To: pen 💛 

From: colin 🤡

Hey, Pen. Just calling because, uh — 

Because I wanted to say hi, really. 

…

Venice is good. It’s quite nice, this time of year. The weather’s starting to cool a bit. The water is calm. The food is the best in the world — but that’s not really time sensitive. 

…

I really cannot stress this enough. I believe it to be a great tragedy that you have yet to eat real Italian pasta. I know you’re extremely busy with work, but if you happen to have a free weekend over the next few weeks, the door is always open. 

…

Alright. Night, Pen.

~~~~~~~~~~

September 21st, 2018 - 11:51 PM

To: pen 💛 

From: colin 🤡

Hey, Pen. Sorry for the late call. But I, uh —

[Faint laughter.]

I forgot how warm it is in Greece this time of year. I’m currently sitting by a river at midnight and it’s actually quite pleasant. Disturbingly so, if you ask me. 

There are a few dozen other people here enjoying the weather — smoking and talking and wearing sandals, or all things. I can’t imagine anyone wearing sandals in London tonight. 

…

There’s a lot I’ve forgotten about Greece. Like the cats. It’s insane, Pen. I can see three right now without even having to turn my head. I —

…

It’s just strange. I stayed here for nearly three months. That was three years ago, but still… Nothing fundamental has changed during that time. And yet…

…

And yet it feels unfamiliar to me now. But I suppose that has more to do with me — and perhaps time — than the country itself. 

…

God. I sound like somebody’s grandfather. I think that’s my cue to head back to my hotel.

Night, Pen. Talk soon. 

~~~~~~~~~~

December 19th, 2018 - 11:12 PM

To: pen 💛 

From: colin 🤡

Hey, Pen. Sorry — I know it’s late. 

I just sent you the first draft of my piece and…

I don’t know. There’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot. I tried to weave it into the story, but my readers don’t come to me for Bridgerton family history lessons, so —

[Laughter.]

Suffice to say, I left it out. 

But I don’t know. I just — I keep thinking about it.

…

Did you know my grandfather was stationed here at the end of World War II? He came here in ‘44, about a year before it all went shit for the Germans. And when it did, he was given the option to leave Vienna and immediately return to London. At the time, he hadn’t been home — hadn’t seen my gran — in over three years. They wrote hundreds of letters to each other during that time — all of which are stashed in a box at Aubrey Hall, in case you were wondering. But anyway…

When the war ended, as much as my grandfather wanted to go home and see my gran’s face again, he wrote to her and asked if she would be willing to wait a little while longer. If she could stand it if he stayed here. If he remained in Vienna while the allied forces first occupied the city — to continue carrying out his duty. 

She said yes. He stayed here another two years. He arrived back on English shores on April 6th, 1947. Two days later, they got married. They did at a courthouse, just the two of them together. Like they were the last two people in the world. 

…

I, uh — I didn’t piece this all together through the letters alone. My dad actually told me about it a few weeks before he died. I remember asking him why granddad stayed in Vienna for so long after the war technically ended. How he could stand to stay away from the woman he seemed so desperate to return to.

I remember my dad telling me: “There are times when duty surmounts passion.” Which I didn’t understand. Mainly because I was eight and had no fucking clue what the word “surmounts” meant, but…

Now, I understand what he was trying to say. That duty and passion are separate. That my grandfather’s duty lied in war, while his passion lied with his love. That his duty went beyond his required deployment period. That he stayed in Vienna those extra two years because that’s what he felt was right, even if he would have preferred to go home and be with the love of his life. 

Now, I —

…

I think my dad was wrong. He described my grandfather’s duty to his country as passionless — as if it was something he had to do when he wanted to be elsewhere. But I’ve read my grandfather’s journals from that time, and he never wrote about his life like he was carrying the weight of the world on his back. He may have been homesick and distressed at times — it was a bloody war, for god’s sake. But he — he was also proud of what he was doing. He was fulfilled. He was not drowning in a lack of passion. 

I think we —

[Cough.]

I think some people, at least, have multiple passions. Passions that are at war with one another. That make it impossible to achieve everything we want all at once. Some that beg us to go home, some that beg us to stay. 

I think my grandfather made a choice. I think he chose one passion for a while, and one forever. I think he knew that once they married, he wouldn’t be able to bear living without my nan ever again. 

…

[Awkward laughter.]

I guess he was lucky that she was willing to wait for him.

…

[Sigh.]

Well… I believe I’ve taken up enough of your time. If you somehow managed to listen all the way to the end, I sincerely apologise for the rambling. I promise I’ll wait until Sunday to share the rest of my travel epiphanies with you. 

Take care, Pen.

~~~~~~~~~~

December 20th, 2018 - 12:11 AM

To: colin 🤡 

From: pen 💛

I always listen until the end. 

I’ll see you on Sunday. Goodnight, Colin. 

~~~~~~~~~~

January 31st, 2019 - 3:45 PM

To: pen 💛 

From: colin 🤡

You know, Pen, I’m starting to suspect that you purposely ‘miss’ my calls just so you can listen back to these wonderful voice messages whenever it pleases you. And while I can understand your desire to have these recordings stashed away forever, I would selfishly prefer some actual back-and-forth between us. 

I’m currently sitting outside one of the seven wonders of the world. Call me back and I’ll tell you all about it.

~~~~~~~~~~

March 21st, 2019 - 5:17 PM

To: colin 🤡 

From: pen 💛

Hey! Thank you so much for your insights on my story. Danbury loved it. 

Call me back when you have the chance. Thanks again!

~~~~~~~~~~

April 29th, 2019 - 7:57 PM

To: pen 💛 

From: colin 🤡

Hey, Pen. Just wanted to give you a head’s up that I just sent you a draft and it’s absolute bollocks. If you can manage to turn it into something vaguely readable, I will literally fly you out here just to say thanks. And I know how much you love Thai food. 

~~~~~~~~~~

June 29th, 2019 - 10:20 PM

To: colin 🤡 

From: pen 💛

Hey! Sorry, I just saw that you called! And I am now remembering that you’re in Dubai and probably — hopefully — fast asleep by now so…

[Laughter.]

…

[Indecipherable noise.]

We’re, uh — We’re still out for Kate’s birthday. We’re on our way to karaoke, actually.

[Laughter.]

Thank god El is here, or else I would be worried about being the worst singer in the pub. I —

[Indecipherable noise.]

Sorry! I have to go. Call me when we’re both awake. 

Lo—

[Cough.]

Um… Goodnight!

~~~~~~~~~~

October 18th, 2019 - 8:08 PM

To: colin 🤡 

From: pen 💛

Did you really just send me an SOS text from Los Angeles? I admire your creativity, but this is not how you convince someone to drop everything and take an impromptu holiday with you. 

…

In the event that you are in an actual emergency, please contact the proper authorities. I appreciate your commitment to the bit, but I ask that you please not sacrifice your life for it. 

~~~~~~~~~~

December 9th, 2019 - 8:30 AM

To: pen 💛 

From: colin 🤡

Hey, Pen.

I just finished reading your new column. Phenomenal, as always… But how the hell did you manage to sneak a pun in there? I thought Danbury had a strict policy against “superfluous literary devices.”

However you managed it… Congratulations. I couldn’t be prouder. 

~~~~~~~~~~

December 19th, 2019 - 4:41 PM

To: colin 🤡 

From: pen 💛

Hey! I had a work thing tonight but it just got cancelled. Any chance you want to meet at Mondrich’s? 

Let me know. I’ll, um, hopefully see you soon. 

~~~~~~~~~~

January 29th, 2020 - 9:22 PM

To: pen 💛 

From: colin 🤡

Hey, Pen. 

…

You’re the closest thing I have to a manager, right? In your professional opinion…

Would it be crazy to bail on this trip early? Give myself, uh… 48 hours to go home and grab some proper fish and chips. See Auggie and Blair. See mum. See you — obviously. London isn’t the most logical pit stop between Berlin and Prague but…

…

Yeah — you know what? It was a dumb idea. I’ve got plenty of those, so… 

Call me back when you’re not too busy. Maybe I can share some more. 

~~~~~~~~~~

February 14th, 2020 - 10:00 AM

To: colin 🤡 

From: pen 💛

Good morning!

Is it still morning in Prague? I —

[Faint laughter.]

I suppose that doesn’t matter much when it comes to voicemails. I, um — 

I’m doing some research on old churches. Which — don’t ask. But I’m currently sitting on the steps outside St. Bride’s Church. I don’t know if you’d recognise it, but it’s the one downtown that, um —

[Laughter.]

The one that looks like a wedding cake. 

I think you’d like it. And not just because of its food-shaped exterior. 

It’s actually considered a church for writers. And for publishers. It got that reputation back in the 17th century, when the publishing industry was booming here on Fleet Street. But, regardless of all that…

It’s really quite an interesting building. I can see why it’s attracted and inspired so many great writers over the years. 

Maybe we can check it out the next time you’re in town. Which is…

God. June, I think? 

…

Anyway… I’m still at the very beginning stages of my research, so I barely know what it is I want to write about yet. But one thing that’s stuck out to me so far is how old these buildings feel. How the architecture, the acoustics, the artwork, the — 

…

Honestly? I’m not sure exactly what does it, but something makes these buildings feel as though they’ve stood here forever. This particular church has only been here about 350 years. But still… You feel all that time when you walk through its halls. 

It’s a good reminder, I think. To know how long things last. 

…

Wow. So this is how it feels to be on the other side of these long, rambling, stream of consciousness voicemails. 

[Faint laughter.]

Bye, Colin. Thank you for lending me your future ear. 

~~~~~~~~~~

March 11th, 2020 - 5:55 PM

To: colin 🤡 

From: pen 💛

Hi! I just got off my train. I assume you’re still in the air, so just text me whenever you land. 

Hopefully the airport wasn’t too chaotic, but um…

…

I’ll meet you at the hotel. I — 

I can’t wait to see you. 

[lgcseojin]

✱ SEOJIN'S JOURNAL ( 2006 - current )

This journal is property of Park Seojin. It contains sensitive topics and precious thoughts. If you find this, don't open it or else he'll come find you and take you to Suplex City! Go away.

Septembur September, 2006 The therapy lady said if I pretend I'm talking to God then I can write eeeasier. I dunno. Don't wanna talk to you right now buddy. Cuz somtymes sometimes I kinda wish you didn't make me so I'm upset at you. And I hate cake and I don't wanna blow out anymore stupid candelsles. It just makes me feel real mad. Speshully Especially when Miss Heejung tries to give me hugs. I don't want none of that I just wanna go back to my friends somtimes.

November 30th, 2006 Mr Dongwoo Dad said that the baby is gonna come any day now. I'm gonna be mad if the kid is born on my birthday no way am I gonna share. It's my day!! I want somethin that's mine.

December 25th, 2006 Didn't write in this thing cuz I forgot. Anyway. Christmas is real fun. I got an RC racer thing!!!!! It goes so fast hahahah!!

January 15th, 2007 The baby was really late. They called her Dahye. She looked at me kinda funny but she didn't cry when I hugged her.

September 3rd, 2007 I got moved to a different class and stuff. I wanna throw books cuz now I'm not with my friends. But the teach said we were dissruptin class or whatever. I get to sit next to a girl now and she stuck her tongue out at me so I stuck out my middle finger. Her name is Boram.

March 14th, 2008 Girls are weird. I gave Boram my chocolates cuz she gave me some and then she said she was gonna throw em in the toilet. Whatever. I didn't like her anyways.

May 21st, 2009 Hahahah!!! Jaehyuk hyung came to school today and brought a real lizard. Yep it was real I checked and everything. Haesung said we should dissect it but we were like no way. I wanna make it my pet. It looks so sick! Not sick sick but cool

June 17th, 2009 I bought a guitar!!!

November 27th, 2009 A weird lady said hi to me when I was walking home. She had really long hair and a funny smile. She looked real sick (the real kind) and said my name. Maybe she's one of them no homes people or a ghost or somethin

November 29th, 2009 The weird lady tried to give me a bag of chips and grab my hand. Did she think I was 5 years old or somethin. That shit don't work on 11 year olds. So I ran away real fast. Skinned my knee. It fuckin hurt.

December 1st, 2009 Stuff sucks real bad right now. I'm real sorry God. I don't wanna go back no more. I just wanna stay here now. I'm sorry.

December 1st, 2010 She called again. I can't have one day.

December 1st, 2011 Sorry I keep ignoring you. Lotsa shit is happening lately. That lady hasn't even read this since like 2 years ago. Why do I even bother? How did I do it again? Hi, God? Haha. I'm good, I guess. Bored right now. Eating some kinda bread dad bought in Japan. Way too sweet but whatever. Birthday went okay. They gave me a party and it wasn't anything special I guess.

January 20th, 2013 Got nothing else to do so I'm gonna write in this again. Fuck this city. Fuck everything. I don't wanna move and leave everyone behind. This sucks so fucking much. Seoul seems like it sucks anyway. But at least Jaehyuk is there... Ugh nevermind. It makes feel sick to write while the car's moving all over the place, and Dahye won't stop pinching me. I'm gonna give this kid a headlock.

April 30th, 2013 Some kid almost ran me over with his bike so I grabbed it and he fell on me. Buncha stolen shit fell outta his jacket and everything. Hahaha. He begged me not to tell anyone. I think he's a grade below me even though he said he's like 13 I think. Seems real smart. Name is Cheol... something. I guess he's ok when we started to talk but if he runs me over again I'm gonna pummel him for sure.

August 2nd, 2013 Mom had the baby today. The kid is real cute and she grabbed my finger super tight. I'm gonna be honest. I kinda felt like crying and stuff. She's real cute, Dasom. I wanna protect her.

October 12th, 2013 Jaehyuk wants to start a band or whatever. Know I never mentioned it before but I kinda like to sing and I know how to play guitar. I'll give it a shot. He introduced me to some guy named Taewoo from another school and I asked Cheol if he wanted to join, too. Here goes nothing I guess.

February 23rd, 2015 I asked Minkyung out. I know you don't know who that is yet, God. Sorry about that. I was being an idiot just being in my head instead. She's in the same class as me. She's got short hair like to her neck kinda length. It's really funny. The class was playing soccer and she kicked the ball at my head. She seemed real scared about it and she came over to check on me and grabbed my face. That's what it's like to fall in love right??

July 9th, 2016 Long time no see, huh? Lots of good news happened so far. Well, kinda. First, I'm still going out with Minkyung. :) Second, I entered a singing contest and I got 3rd place, so a guy with a card came up to us and all. He was from a company... entertainment company. Legacy or something. Well, I auditioned and made it. Cool, right? Weird, though... Didn't think this could be a thing for me. Well, I'm gonna mooch these vocal lessons and see what happens I guess. Taewoo won't stop calling me a fucking sell-out though. Bastard. Anyway... the next news is awkward kinda. Mom and dad decided to foster this kid. He's like 12 or 13 or something and he's already getting on my nerves... Feel bad for him though. I know what it's like.

June 14th, 2017 Shit sucks. What a joke. See if those fuckers mess with Hyunseung again. I'd kick their asses all over again until they leave him alone.

December 2nd, 2017 She called me again. I don't get why she just won't leave me the hell alone. I can't do this shit. I don't care if I'm her "real son". Why did she have to find me? You left me there for like almost 7 years and now you wanna keep trying.

March 1st, 2018 I decided to start over. It's for the best, probably. Dim is over. I left the company. Me and Minkyung decided it would be better if we broke up. I couldn't even look at her anymore after I went off the deep end and didn't wanna be around anybody for a while. It was like shit was falling apart and I didn't wanna be like that and hurt her. Then have to leave her. And the guys. I feel like shit. I don't even know if this is the right choice. I'm taking you with me. There's still a lot of space to fill.

March 28th, 2018 It's the fifth day of basics. A week in and I've got some smart idea to start a journal. Apparently it's supposed to be "good" for me as an outlet but like... For all I know, some guy will take it, read it, and make fun of me. Whatever. This is stupid. The food sucks.

March 30th, 2018 Guy named Jung Woobin joined today. Kind of a nerd, but he's in my temporary unit and the bed next to mine. Might as well make friends. He keeps talking about random shit. Maybe I can see if he likes Slam Dunk. Well, I'm not here to make friends anyways, am I? Nothing else interesting happened. Entries are gonna be short till something interesting happens.

April 5th, 2018 Week two. Not hype. Hate waking up fucking early. This sucks ass. Some guy lost his shit and ran off in some random direction. They labeled him as a deserter. Feel kinda bad for him. Just glad he wasn't in my unit.

April 8th, 2018 New recruits came. There was overflow in bunking so they stuck a guy with us. I get a chaebol smell off of him but he seems alright so far. Let's see how he does during the first week.

April 21st, 2018 I'm tired of this Kang dude. Nearly kicked his ass before we got stopped. What a prick. He snores when he sleeps, too. I'm gonna plug his nostrils.

May 1st, 2018 Transfer to marines unit today. Off to Pohang. Wish me luck.

July 30th, 2018 Finally got time to sit down and write. Shit's been intense. The C.O. is no fucking stickler. He makes our squad wake up up to an hour earlier than the others. Set our alarms as the wake up song that blasts outside. Today, I swear we got to bed at midnight and got up at 3:30am. Wanted us to get our rounds done early so we can get a head start into the MMA training so we're in top shape. Tomorrow, our platoon is supposed to meet with the American marines that are stationed here, too.

October 10th, 2018 My English isn't that great but I kinda talked to this guy and we became friends. Tall, wavy hair, super ripped. Said his name is Andreas like the fault line but I dunno what that means, really. I can just call him Andy, he calls me Jin. His Korean is pretty good, actually. Hahaha.

October 11th, 2018 We sat by the river when everything is done and he and his friend taught me how to skin a rabbit. Then, the guy said he was gonna go rock fishing ( I think, I couldn't get his accent but I think he was from Australia or something ) and pulled a catfish with his bare hands. I'm serious! Wish I coulda taken a picture...

October 14th, 2018 It's the last day of the collab camp thing. Andy gave me a book. D'Aulaires' Book of Greek Myths. I guess I should get better at English... But he said he's staying in Seoul after this. And his dad's got a boxing gym or something. Once I'm out, I'll check it out.

December 1st, 2018 They remembered my birthday. Never thought I'd get a Chocopie with a candle sticking out of it. Whatever works. I don't like sweets anyway and it's cold as balls.

February 13th, 2019 I'm on break for seollal! Came back home for a bit to see everyone. I know I saw them in between but still... This is nice. Chan must've gotten real tall over the summer. Dasom ran up to me and hugged me real tight. As for Dahye, she shook my hand. What a weird kid. I missed them so much. Gonna go spend time with them now. I won't forget you at home. Promise.

March 26th, 2019 A new guy joined us today. Real jumpy, that one. Said he got transferred to our unit for some reason he won't say. Rumor is that he tried to kill some guy and he's in a gang back in Daejeon. I don't believe it for a second. What a stupid story.

April 3rd, 2019 Caught Lcpl. Shin creeping around the place after dark not in his bunk. I got up to take a piss and he almost scared it right outta me. This is like the 2nd time this happened. Since our ranks are the same there's not much I can do. Should I tell the C.O.? Shit, why am I asking you? I don't think you would know what to do either.

April 17th, 2019 Fuck it, we finally ratted on the guy. The hell is he doing lurking around the latrines all the time... Must be some kinda weirdo. I guess that's why he was transferred. Shoulda kicked him out instead. Woobin said he saw him with a knife when he got out so I dunno what to think anymore. Lt said it isn't a big deal. That the guy's gotta be touched in the head, whatever that means.

April 22nd, 2019 Something or some dipshit keeps knocking on the barracks again. Can't fucking sleep. Shit sucks.

May 24th, 2019 Things were quiet for a while. There was a weird smell coming from the latrines and it wasn't cause of the crap they serves us. Found a dead bird strung up with shoelaces. Can't eat tonight.

May 28th, 2019 Can't sleep. Knocking again. The alarms went off. Glitch, I guess.

May 31st, 2019 Some shit went down. Two of the guys started wailing on each other outta nowhere. Screaming real loud about something. I didn't really bother trying to figure it out when we got them off each other. They were reprimanded. Only 9 of us, so this shit really stirred things up. Must have been some kinda disagreement. But everyone's fucking tired. Climbing drills are tomorrow.

June 1st, 2019 The ropes were cut. Or frayed. Or old, or something. It's my fault, isn't it? If I didn't pull so hard then Hwang wouldn't have fallen. Everything's okay. He said it wasn't cause of me. They took him out for a short medical leave. Hope he's okay. But I'm still shaking. I'd only tell you this kinda stuff, God.

June 5th, 2019 There's only 6 of us right now in the unit right now until the others get back. Feels real quiet right about now. No one really wanted to talk. Least, not to me. I still got Woobin but he seems like something's real wrong. Shin's got the world under his feet, though, the way he's strutting everywhere. Kept trying to show me his rabbit pelt. Freak.

July 7th, 2019 That fucking knocking again. A slam. Piss off so I can sleep already.

July 19th, 2019 It's raining. Real hard. Had to go fix something and found Shin out there doing... something. Whatever it is, he didn't like that I caught him and fuck I don't know what to do. It can't have been something bad, right? I didn't really see. It was dark.

July 23rd, 2019 I'm gonna kill that piece of shit. What kinda asshole takes a picture of my mom and just. He's dead. Next week. Mark my words, God. I'm confessing ahead of time if something happens. I'm kicking his ass when he comes around.

July 29th, 2019 The fucker still lives. Unfortunately. Opened my eyes and saw him hovering over my bunk. I swear. I saw it. How long was he standing there? How many days? Shouldn't think too much of it...

August 2nd, 2019 I looked over and he was just sitting up in bed like that. Awake. I don't think he ever sleeps, come to think of it. Woobin said the same thing. I started to keep my knife with my under my pillow.

September 6th, 2019 We woke up and Shin was gone from his bed. Nothing from the usual. C.O. came in and told us the military officers came and got him. Said what happened stays with us. They're making Woobin testify but he won't tell me what happened. Guess I'll never really find out. Gotta keep an eye on the news maybe later. Feel like I need to take 8 showers though. Maybe 10. Hopefully there won't be too much to write about now.

September 30th, 2019 Holy shit. Just a little bit longer and I'll be outta here. Sgt. Park speaking. Cool, right? I should have something positive here after all that. Everything seems like it's okay again. I think. I guess I thought about it a little more... All sorta guys come through here and you never know who's gonna end up being totally insane. I left out some details but, God, I'm sure you saw what happened anyways.

October 15th, 2019 One more month! I get to lead new recruits today. I asked Woobin to help and he still almost passed out running with us. Guess some guys really don't get that fit here, haha. Here's hoping we can still be friends when we leave. He's outta here next week... Gonna miss him something awful.

November 10th, 2019 I'm free!!! Gonna stay with the family again for a bit until we get my place figured out. Don't really plan on going to school or anything, but dad helped me find a job at some restaurant. I gotta go to Gangnam for it since it's all ritzy but it pays well. I'm kinda excited. Really feels like I started over again... Also, went to the bar still in my fatigues ( yeah, I know, I was lazy ). Craziest thing, the people you meet again. Some guy in uniform, another in a sparkly jacket. Funny where we end up.

December 2nd, 2019 Saw the guys yesterday. We got super smashed and they said I climbed a tree. Wait. Why am I still writing? Nothing interesting is going on. Let's not make this a habit.

January 8th, 2020 Nevermind. Something kinda crazy happened. Went to Vampire Den for the open mic night again. Just to sing. I got that card again. This shiny one. I guess I must have been outta my mind and had it in me to go for an audition. It was worth a shot. I'm almost at the limit they accept trainees. Fuck what am I doing? Shit.

January 9th, 2020 The call came. I made it. They said I gotta move into the dorms now. At least I got a couple months to myself.

January 20th, 2020 Shit man. So many kids around... This kid ( had a real unique name ) I'm roommates with said that he's graduating high school soon. Crazy... I think I'm in way over my head if this is how things are gonna be, but fuck it, right? At least I can still keep my job. Guess I'll just start making some friends around here. There's plenty of guys my age. Yushin's even here, too. Well, anyway. I don't gotta keep writing in this right now so see you later.

July 24th, 2020 Hey guess who's gonna be in a band again? Well kinda. It's still a bunch of practicing. We'll see what happens but I'm feeling optimistic, I think.

April 21st, 2021 This just in for another episode of Shit Sucks... They pulled the band stuff. I guess there weren't gonna be enough resources for it. Dunno what to do now. Feels like everything's crumbling apart around me. I can just hide away in my room for the rest of the year, right? Just not sure what they're gonna do with me now. Gotta get better at dancing. I'll do it later.

May 23rd, 2021 Shit just keeps happening. I saw her with someone else. I don't want an explanation. I'm tired of this push and pull shit. Going here and there without saying much. She lit my heart on fire and put it out with her fucking shoe. I loved her. At least, I think I did. I guess that doesn't matter now. Nothing should have come from that day and why did I even bother going through with it. Over and over again. Wasted my own heart. Nothing matters anymore, does it? Fuck it all. I should go somewhere. Don't look now, God.

August 17th, 2021 I guess some okay things can happen. But these blind dates the guys keep trying to set me up on are a waste of time. Better to not put in effort like that. Anyway, dad's heart thing has gotten better, too. He wanted me to start picking up his new medicine after practice every day.

September 19th, 2021 It's hard to want to sing again. Or want to do much of anything again. Maybe I'll get better by next year.

September 25th, 2021 Met this girl. Well, already did. Sometimes, she'd be at the pharmacy when I picked things up. There's dimples in her cheeks when she smiles at me. I mentioned I was interested in producing music and she asked me for some pointers. We're meeting next week so I can help her, I guess. Worth a shot. Come to think of it, I think we went to the same high school.

October 18th, 2021 She's cute. Fuck, I'm so screwed. I remember now. I sneezed on her in the hallway once. She said it was two times, but I don't remember the first one. We already talked a lot. It's weird. Something dangerous about her. I'll watch my step...

October 31st, 2021 I feel drunk even though I'm not. She said she liked me and I wanted to run. I think I already like her, too. I just can't be what she needs right now. I shouldn't be writing this stuff down. I'll save it for songs. My own head. See you.

December 5th, 2021 She said there's a beauty in being impulsive. She is coy and bold. She wants to kiss my cheek because something compels her to. She yearns to see me. I can't forget anything she says. She speaks in poetry and laughs in music. I don't flinch when she reaches out to touch me. So.. What now...? I kissed her on the shores of some snowy Sokcho beach. When she says now that there's nothing innocent about the way I kiss her with that smirk of hers. When she said she's looking for someone to break her heart because she's just being realistic. Not to feel burdened because I make her happy. She'll be patient for me. I think I might be going a little crazy. Emotionally, spiritually. She makes me want to sing again.

December 1st, 2022 Aside from one good thing, this year was kind of a bust. Hoping for a better one next year. Fuck, I'm getting old. Did they forget about me?

March 20th, 2023 Finally got a project! With actual songs. Not sure what it's gonna entail but ... here goes nothing, as usual. :)

March 30th, 2023 And when it comes to spring, I learned that it's made of heartbreak and not love.

August 12th, 2023 Fuck, what am I doing with my life? It's so close I can taste it but I can't help but feel like there's so much missing.

October 30th, 2023 What am I doing? Part two. Everything is all jumbled up. There's nowhere to put that anger brewing in my head. I almost messed up my hand because of it and ruined everything for myself. Might start writing some songs again...

December 1st, 2023 The first birthday I really felt like I deserved. I guess I made it this far, huh? And there are people who care about me, love me. It's still really overwhelming to think about, but looking back, this is what I always needed. And I should have been more grateful for what I have around me in the form of other people.

January 1st, 2024 I think it's gonna be a great year. Love is real.

January 14th, 2024 Oh. Fuck.

[acaplaya-musings]

Voiceplay Visuals - You're A Mean One, Mr Grinch

Jumping ahead by two years now into 2020 (figured I wouldn't have much to say about Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas, sue me), to when VoicePlay released their cover of You're A Mean One, Mr Grinch. This wasn't actually released in December, but in fact the 27th of November! (eh, close enough).

You might have heard at some point in your life that the original singer of You're A Mean One Mr Grinch was also the voice of Tony The Tiger, the Frosties Cereal mascot. Well that man was Thurl Ravenscroft, a name you should be at least somewhat familiar with if you know Geoff's solo content (see my post (linked here) on Headless Horseman for a little more info). And so who better to sing lead vocals on this than the modern-day Thurl Ravenscroft himself, Geoff Castellucci? Geoff was also in charge of both the song arrangement and the video for this! Good for him! And of course this features the lovely Adriana Arellano, in her second ever VP collaboration since the Frozen 2 Medley in December 2019.

There's a strong chance I may hit image limit for this one - so much to screenshot and talk about! But let's get started and see how I go!

Let's start off by acknowledging the obvious: The VoicePlay 'Who's'! I.e. the guys plus Adriana done up like residents of Whoville, just like in the movie! (Or movies, I suppose, since there are 3 film iterations of the Grinch movie now)

I've seen/heard a range of opinions on the "Whoville Look" from reactors. Some were like "aww how cute/cool! Just like the movie!" Whereas some think it's just a bit strange (myself included, lol rip). But regardless, it's very professionally done, and shoutout to Makeup and Creative Arts (which I believe includes Rick Underwood?) for it!

Also I'll leave my thoughts on clothing for later screenshots, but I happened to be looking at their footwear here, and it's a little amusing to me that I commented on Eli wearing black sneakers with thick white soles in Mission Jingle Bells (just like in Creep and In The Air Tonight), because guess what shoes he's wearing here!

(Also is it just me or does Geoff wear boots a lot? I'm gonna have to start paying more attention to his footwear in videos, lol)

"Hey Grinch, you're a triple-decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich... with arsenic sauce!!"

Not a visual thing but I couldn't help but call attention to the fact that J's line here is in fact lifted almost fully verbatim from the last line of the original version, from a verse that's not included in VoicePlay's cover (though they include all the rest of it, more than the live action movie does).

Okay I probably could grab some additional amusing screenshots from this opening banter bit, but eh, there's plenty of other stuff in this video to talk about anyway.

Okay, outfit talk time!

Layne: Not sure what the deal is with the pink and black shirt is but I don't totally hate it, and the white suit jacket is nice (and becomes especially fitting later in the video). And of course I have to mention the little carrot pin on the lapel! Carrot Lord for life! 🥕

Eli: I like the jumper! (Or "sweater" if you will). I kinda want it ngl, except I'm much more of a jacket person, and I wouldn't be able to wear it in December anyway - too hot!

Adriana: Am I only just now noticing that her top thing shows her midriff? Maybe. The makeup is cute (makes the 'Whoville' makeup stuff look a bit less weird), and the knee-high boots with the jeans are a Look ngl.

J None: Aqua/turquoise jumper (or sweater) with blue jeans and black boots. What can I say? Next!

Geoff: This dude loves wearing scarves, apparently! Wore one in Baby Its Cold Outside, in the Frozen 2 Medley, and also in his cover of White Christmas, which I'll be eventually be getting to! Also a green scarf over an orange shirt? This is colourful for him! 😁 (Oh and obligatory tick for both smartwatch and wristbands!)

(Also the fact that they didn't include the Welcome Christmas bit in the MP3 track or make it its own mini track is a crime ngl)

The big green man (creature...thing...) is here! Time for the actual song to begin!

Also Geoff looks so confused here pfft

From confused to scared? You good there Geoff? 😂

"Well you were flat! And... stinky!"

We have no clue who The Grinch is, just that he was "provided by Makeup And Creative Arts", and he's a hired actor or something? Whoever he is, he did so good in this video - utterly hilarious, absolutely nailed it!

That's a bit more like it!

Also Geoff wearing something red! Another rarity! (And like most times, he looks fantastic)

I love the grin that Geoff has for most of this video, makes me so happy 💜

That cake was real, apparently - there's a credit for it in the description, says it was provided by "Quarantine Dessert Company" (so a fairly young business then, given this video was made in 2020)

Apologies for the blur shot but I wanted to point out how The Grinch taps Adriana on the shoulder, and then very quickly his hands come up from the bottom of the frame and grab the cake, so quickly in fact that there's a few frames, like this one, where both The Grinch and his hands are in the shot at the same time! How? Is it editing trickery? Nope! It's actually just one of the VoicePlay guys (can't remember who - it might've even been Kathy) wearing "Grinch gloves" to do the stealing (the benefits of me now being a VP Patron! Access to BTS knowledge!)

Eli Eyebrow Raise! It's been a while <3

Also he's definitely worn that hat in a fair few videos - Top 10 Disney Villains, Frozen 2 Medley, Rich Man/Girl, just off the top of my head (new photo compilation idea - recent-ish appearances of Eli's bucket hat turned fedora /j )

ELI! Why would you smell it?? 🤣

When Mortius reacted to this video, he made a comparison between this scene and the "Dead Dove: Do Not Eat" scene (from Arrested Development??) that became a meme, and yeah that's pretty much it! What did you expect?

Aw, shoutout to Layne <3

(Also nope not doing a screenshot for the "termites in your smile" line, I don't care that they're fake!)

Pfft, Grinch looks so happy with himself!

Also give the rubiks cube to me! I'll solve it in like 2-3 minutes! Hell, I often solve a 5x5 Rubiks Cube for fun and relaxation while watching YouTube, and I can sometimes get it solved in under 7 minutes!

"More rapid than eagles his coursers they came, and they whistled and shouted and called them by name!" "..."

This bit is of course not from the original Grinch song, but actually part of the poem A Visit From St Nicholas, aka The Night Before Christmas. Given this was Geoff's arrangement, I have to assume this was Geoff's addition (and let's be honest, it's on brand, lol)

(Also I love how Eli and Adriana are looking to the left, in the Grinch's actual direction, but J and Layne are still looking ahead, and Geoff is looking to the right 😂)

Ayyyy

"Oh, erm, *ahem*, On Max!"

(Also if I had a nickel for everytime VoicePlay did a song from an animated movie where Geoff was on lead and Layne dressed up as the movie protagonist's dog, I'd have two nickels? Which isn't a lot, but it's weird that it happened twice)

"You need a baaaathhh! Yeah!"

Oh these idiots, god I love them 😂💜

"Your heart's a dead tomato, splashed with moldy purple spots" (yes, also lyrics from the original version)

(AND if I had a nickel for everytime Voiceplay released a video in 2020 where Layne pretended to be a silly chef/waiter, complete with silly French accent, I'd again have two nickels)

If you know my posts, you should know that I love when Geoff gets to belt out a line in a video, and well, I definitely do! 😁

Yes! Sing it!

Grinchy has had ENOUGH! 😝

(Also I only just realized when planning out the post in my head earlier today that Geoff is the only onethat The Grinch doesn't really mess with (despite him being the lead singer of the song!)

Ah bless <3

"Alright get off me... Too long!... This is embarassing."

(Grinch honey I would happily swap places with you in a heartbeat! Embrace the embrace!)

Okay, I just managed to scrape in underneath the maximum image limit for a post, with no need to "economize", thank goodness! More fun posts to come! Until next time!

[niemernuet]

i am in so much need of new ginodi content that i won't even request a number from the mini-fic prompts, i'll happily let you chose something yourself, just give me the ginodi please😫❤

that's all thenkyew love💖💕

Hello and sorry sorry sorry for the late answer. It was kind of a busy weekend (flailing about the ski guys) as you know. I started the first on Friday but after last night it's way too angsty, so I made a second one. Hope you like them and love you. 💝

First mini-fic: nr. 20: things you said that i wasn't meant to hear

Separation

rating: T pairing: Gino Caviezel/Marco Odermatt characters: Gino Caviezel, Marco Odermatt, Semyel Bissig, Livio Simonett length: 1'000 words

Skiing was an individual sport. Everybody was only fighting for themselves. The lack of popularity among the athletes for the team events at the big competitions proved this point year after year. It was rare that a group worked together as well as theirs; the in-fights between the guys in the old days were the stuff of legends. It was even rarer that two competitors could be together like Gino and Marco. Gino assumed it made things easier that Marco was so ridiculously, incredibly, breathtakingly better than the rest of the world at the moment. There was no need to work himself up over the fact that, no matter how hard he tried, he was just not as good as his boyfriend; nobody was after all. It also made things more difficult though, just because Marco was light-years ahead of everyone else. Between the constant training, the preparations and the races there was little time just for themselves during the season, and with Marco’s popularity everyone and their grandmother wanted a piece of him, his attention, his opinion, his smile.

Gino let go of the drapes, and they floated across the window, covering the view outside again. He stayed glued to the spot, staring ahead at the grey fabric without really seeing it.

He had been struggling to find footing these past few weeks. Since the 27th of November, to be exact. Mauro’s second accident, and the uncertainty about his future hung like a figurative shroud around Gino, separating him from the rest of the world, and the events he had just observed had pushed him even further into this terrifying nothingness. Slowly, as if in a trance, he turned around. He picked his wallet and phone out of reflex on his way to the door, and pushed them in his pockets.

They had not had much time together since the accident, barely more than the nightmarish hours spent waiting in the emergency room for news of Mauro before they had hurried to Beaver Creek and further. The flu Gino had picked up just before Marco had left for the monstrous tour through Italy with five race in just as many days had separated them even more.

Though, Gino realised it now, maybe Marco had separated himself long before that.

The film of Marco jumping out of the car, and racing into Semyel’s arm with a joyous laugh was etched into his brain, playing over and over again. He could not remember the last time that bright smile, the one that seemed to wrap halfway around his head, and every person in its vicinity around his finger, had been turned on him. He saw the two of them put their heads together as he stepped outside, and Marco’s arm around the shoulders of the smaller man as they walked into the hotel in an embrace followed him on the way to the basement floor where they stored their skis and equipment. Gino did not know where he would go but Alta Badia was at a mountain pass anyway. He only needed to get the keys to the van from his service man, the rest would come on its own. He ignored the cracked door to Semyel’s and Livio’s room. The thick carpet silenced his steps, and there was no way they could see him. He only stopped when he heard the irritation in Semyel’s voice.

“It was so fucking expensive! I had to take it on my credit card because neither Gabriel nor I had enough cash.”

“I know,” Marco’s voice answered. “But I’ve been away so much and couldn’t be here for him, and I just want a perfect Christmas, so…”

“That’s not what I’m talking about!” Semyel shrieked. “You can give him a Porsche for all I care. I mean that I’m just a poor sod who never gets any prize money while you roll in the dough. Also, by the way, it’s fucking heavy too. We almost blew our backs out carrying that thing around. You know I’m not supposed to lift heavy stuff!”

Gino could hear the contrite tone of Marco’s voice. “I’m sorry. I’ll send you the money tonight via twint. You’re the best friend, and I’m really grateful you could do this for me.”

Semyel snorted. “Don’t forget the fifteen euro for that Cappuccino in Val d’Isère. You never paid that back too.”

“Why did it have to be that armchair anyway?” Livio suddenly butted in before Marco could answer. “Couldn’t you have ordered one right into your home?”

“We laid in it on our holidays last summer,” Marco snapped. “And Gino said it’d fit right into his living room, and now I’ll put it there because it’ll remind him of summer and better times. But it’s just in that one boutique in Zurich, and they don’t do deliveries, and I didn’t have time…”

“And that beer at the hotel bar in Lake Louise when the bartender refused your hundred-dollar-bill,” Semyel added to the list.

“Can you twint me some cash too?” Livio asked. “I also haven’t won anything yet this season.”

Marco snorted. “I’ll see you at dinner but now…” He broke off when he almost stumbled into Gino, and dropped the suitcase in his hand.

Gino took a few steps back until he bumped against the wall of the hallway. He blinked.

“Hey!” Marco smiled, and nervously looked over his shoulder. “I was just saying hello to…did you wait here long?”

Gino blinked again. Then, he shook his head. The air felt lighter all of a sudden, as if he had emerged from a deep pool. “No, I was just passing because…Daniele has my charger…and my phone’s dying.” He smiled at Marco’s lousy attempt to hide his relief, and opened his arms as he closed the gap between them.

“You were so good over there,” Gino whispered. “Not long and you’ll have that downhill-victory.”

“I missed you,” Marco mumbled in Gino’s collar. Gino swallowed, and moved his head until his nose was buried in Marco’s jacket.

“How do you feel?”

Gino laughed softly. “Much better,” he answered.

Second mini-fic: nr. 22: things you said after it was over

Going Home

rating: T pairing: Gino Caviezel/Marco Odermatt characters: Gino Caviezel, Marco Odermatt length: 550 words

The bib-draw for tomorrow’s slalom had ended quite some time ago, and a DJ had taken over the stage. The party on the town square was in full-swing and would not end until the early hours of the morning. The thumping bass and the cheers of the people even reached through the concrete walls of the underground parking lot, a deep murmur that filled the otherwise eerie silence. Gino stood in front of the open boot of the car, rifling through the pockets of his backpack. He had pushed his phone somewhere on his way out of the hotel room but after the last, tedious hurdles race through the hotel, passing hundreds of people who all had wanted them to stay, he could not find it anymore. He cursed under his breath as he began to pull out things, stacking them on the suitcases, when suddenly a pair of arms wrapped around his middle, and a heavy, warm weight leant against him.

“You’re pretty,” Marco mumbled, and nuzzled around Gino’s collar until he found his skin.

Gino laughed while he groped through the inner pockets of his backpack and Marco planted one wet kiss after the other on his neck. “And you’re tipsy.”

“M-hm.”

He had joined a few of the countless invitations for a beer on the way from the hotel to the podium ceremony and back again, as was his right. Gino did not mind to be the designated driver for Marco, not on a day like this, and not when the alcohol, coupled with the exhaustion after the long day, turned him into a clingy cuddle-monster.

“I know but tomorrow I’ll be sober again, and you’ll still be pretty.”

“Yes, I…ha!” Triumphantly, Gino pulled his phone out from the depth of his backpack. Satisfied, he threw the rest of his stuff inside again, and roughly pulled at the zipper. He turned around and tried to step away to close the hatch but Marco pinned him against the car, and kissed him until they were both gasping for air.

“You have to let go of me or we’ll never get home,” Gino whispered.

Marco mewled, and held him so tightly Gino could barely breathe anymore. “But I don’t want to. It’ll take so long!”

“I’ll be right next to you the whole way.”

“But I can’t touch you for hours, and that’s not good.”

Gino laughed, and softly pushed Marco away. “You’ll be asleep before we reach the highway.” He closed the hatch, pulled Marco to the front of the car, and helped him in the passenger seat.

“No, I won’t,” Marco protested while Gino lay over his lap trying to find the buckle for the seat belt. “I will stay awake until we’re home, and I will suffer nonstop.”

With a soft groan, Gino climbed out of the car again. Marco smiled up at him, his eyes half-closed. Tenderly, Gino caressed his cheek, and gave him a kiss.

“We’ll see,” he smiled, and closed the door. Carefully he manoeuvred the car out of the underground garage. There were no street lamps in the narrow alley, and he crawled forward at a snail’s pace. Two of the receptionists from the hotel were smoking near a back door, other than them nobody saw them leave. When Gino turned left onto the main street, Marco’s head flopped against the window, and stayed like that the entire journey home.

[1c3312]

12/31/2022

well. it's definitely been a year! i have mixed feelings about 2022, i don't think the year was horrible but it was absolutely not good at all. so much was done but at the same time it feels like nothing was accomplished at the same time, y'know? anyways, here's my year in review.

january: started off pretty shit with that heartbreak, not gonna lie. don't remember much else that happened in january

february: still heartbroken during valentines day but at least we had the cute GSA party. february has also been mostly forgotten

march: did anything important happen in march? SPRING BREAK! omg, the cruise and meeting all of those amazing people and then never seeing them after a week. what an awesome experience! i love that i got to share that time with my family

april: academic hall of fame induction!! losing a best friend over something miniscule. PROM OMG. drank for the first time

may: finishing and graduating high school 27th in my class with academic honors!!!! start of going to a boatload of grad parties, got covid right at the end of the semester

june: more grad parties!! hung out with friends a couple times, smoked for the first time, just kinda hung out

july: even more grad parties! just a lot more hanging out. had my grad party which was super fun!!

august: finally started driving!!! I TURNED 18!!!!!!!! came out to dad!!

september: GOT MY LICENSE!!!! could finally drive and i had a car!!!! started applying for job! had a dennys date w the grippers !! also started my awesome and cool stoner arc

october: I GOT THE JOB??????? first day goes super well, i could definitely see myself working here in the future!

november: lots more working!! have a cute little friendsgiving! also got november employee of the month???? how??

december: crashed my car :( do LOTS AND LOTS of working, friend christmas was so fun <33 got covid right before new years

that was the big parts of my year! lots of awesome days and lots of shit days in between as well. well, onwards into the new year! 2023 is gonna be big for me, i can just feel it

just a few new years resolutions i have: sticking to this daily journaling, starting testosterone and legally changing my name (MAYBE top surgery), coming out to mom and rest of family, picking up at least one new hobby, trying to stick with bass guitar, finally get my dream wardrobe and start dressing how i want to, do a little dabbling in dating, nose pierced 2x and at least one tattoo, hang out with friends so much more often, start working more hours (maybe move up?), smoke out of a bong, + a few more things

and now, the start of daily journaling...

how was today? today was okay!! just a lot of me being sick and sitting in my room. not super productive but i hope that i can start some pretty solid habits in the new year. i've got this!!

todays overall mood: neutral, not bad not good

last nights dream: don't remember

a memory i thought about today: being on the cruise and eating so much ice cream

favorite thing that happened today: dad made fried rice and pulled pork and it was so yummy!

internet drama update: andrew tate getting fucking arrested yesterday FUCKING FINALLY

how much did i smoke today?: probably 7-8 hits throughout the day and i'm bout to have a few more :P

did i work today?: nah bro i have covid rn!

todays weather: cloudy + a little rain. high of 38 low of 33

final day rating: ★★★☆☆

[kithtaehyung]

Last November (M)

title: last november (m) post date: december 14th, 2020, 8pm est  ⤷ revamped/extended: march 27th, 2021, 10pm est pairing: seokjin x reader(f) genre: angst, smut, exes to lovers au summary: you two broke up on good terms. even seeing each other on your friends’ yearly end-of-november trip was never awkward. so why did this trip feel so different? and why does it feel like the end of something that wasn’t even there in the first place? warnings: angst, bad puns and jokes, mutual pining, light dom/sub undertones, oral sex (m/f receiving), nipple play, hair-pulling, choking, rough sex, unprotected sex (pls be responsible!), dirty talk, spanking, creampie, seokjin is a consent king, did i say angst?, did i also say bad puns and jokes? mobile users: alt link if this doesn’t open in tumblr ➛ AO3 word count: 23.7k 24.7k !!

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On the last Friday of every November, your group of friends piled into two cars and set off into the mountains. 

Ever since you all graduated from high school years ago, everyone branched off into their individual, intricate walks of life. Different towns, different jobs, different social circles. 

But before those grand adventures started, each of you promised one thing: a yearly trip to keep the friendship alive.

This time around, you happened to be in the “decidedly more fun” car as Jimin, Taehyung, and your longtime friend Rin jammed the backseat with singing and road trip games. Since Seokjin took driver, you claimed navigator, leaving the front of the vehicle a bit muted compared to the other half. Which was fine - you always loved relaxing on the sidelines while your friends played with chaos and hilarity. 

Namjoon kept you company from time to time, too, so you weren’t completely alone in your preferred space.  

The only thing that could’ve made the ride awkward was if you and Seokjin were on bad terms. 

It wasn’t every day you found yourself sitting beside your ex, after all. 

But that simple fact didn’t phase you. The truth was that your breakup was clean and painless - a massive relief to your friends. Back then, it would have torn everyone to pieces picking sides. 

The split was so organic that you couldn’t recall an awful reason why it happened. Separation proved as natural as the changing of seasons: you had moved away for university and he powered through his own medical pursuits. Over time, the relationship simmered to a text every few days, resulting in the night in which you decided that it was better to remain friends.

What sucked was the fact that, over the course of time after the breakup, you fell for Seokjin. Annoying, charming, incredible Seokjin. 

You didn’t come to terms with it until last November, when you watched his eyes sparkle under an indigo ocean of stars and it just clicked. Agony carved into your heart some nights when you thought about nothing else, but you couldn’t admit your feelings. Not when you two decided that your river had run its course. You couldn’t risk smothering the last embers of your relationship, so radio silence remained your lonely swan song. 

Of course you wanted to admit it. You wanted to tell him. Because no matter who came after, they all fell short. Every smile flashed your way, every pair of arms wrapped around your torso, every night spent between the sheets. Nothing compared to what you got from Jin. That man created a hole in your heart that lingered in his wake, a hole through which all of your subsequent relationships plummeted. 

The truth was simple: you didn’t want to ruin what you had. Even if what you two would always be was just friends, that endgame was enough for you.

At least, that’s what you told yourself. Every night when you couldn’t sleep, and every morning when you woke up to an empty bed.

Your vision snapped into focus as your phone screen bloomed. The maps app signaled for a turn, so you relayed the direction to Seokjin, who repeated the direction out loud before following through.

Just like always.

The road in front of you melted into a different scene entirely as you recalled why he started that habit. It sprouted from one of your car rides to a diner situated on the other side of your hometown. 

During the drive, you did your best as navigator, but your boyfriend was so into the music playing that he missed some turns. One errant right later had you both terribly lost, the surrounding area swallowing the car in darkness. On instinct, you dove into defense mode, trying and failing not to outright panic.

“My maps won’t load,” you stuttered, hitting the screen with your finger, “Shit, shit, shit.”

“Don’t worry, I can just—”

“Don’t tell me not to worry,” you bit out. “Let’s just get out of here.” You hated how pure paranoia pricked at the corners of your eyes. Getting lost was completely irksome and going back home was more appealing to you than moving forward with the date. 

“Okay. I won’t,” Seokjin assured you, turning the wheel and rolling the car out from the shadowy street. “How can I help instead?”

“Oh, umm.” With grateful eyes, you stared at your boyfriend and admired his consideration. You’ve never been asked that while upset before. “You could, uh, repeat the directions before following them? That might help.” 

His lips curved into a smile, and streetlights flooded the car to bathe his sincerity in a warm glow. “Repeat directions, you got it.”

The memory faded as you blinked and observed the endless mountain range enveloping the road. Snow topped the summits in white caps; coniferous trees swallowed the steep slopes. As if reminiscence clogged your ears, the music in the car seemed louder outside your broken reverie. 

Taehyung, as always, took charge of the aux. He usually had an eclectic mix of tunes on rotation but, that time, nothing but upbeat Christmas music was queued. You had to admit: merry music coating the car windows and mountainous scenery claiming your entire vision put you in the best mood. 

It was even better when Seokjin sang along. You really did like his singing voice. 

“I like my singing voice, too.” 

Your eyes snapped toward the driver, expression freezing over as you drank in his delight. Did you really say that out loud? You knew Seokjin enough to know that he was never going to let that go. 

“Yeah, well…” You lazily swatted his grin away. “Don’t flatter yourself.” 

Seokjin chuckled, his hands comfortably resting on the wheel. “Are you offering to do that for me? It’s minimum wage, but I’d hire you.”

Rolling your eyes felt like the only appropriate response, so you did exactly that, your exasperated gaze looping around to land on your phone. “Relish this moment, Seokjin,” you advised, zooming out in the maps app to make sure you were still heading in the right direction, “Because it won’t happen again. And take the next exit. We’re almost there.” 

“Yes, yes, next exit.” You missed the smirk on his face as he scanned the roadside for the telltale sign. “Moment relished,” he quipped, “But I prefer my moments with ketchup and mustard.” 

Your groan drowned in his boisterous laughter, but the hand on your face betrayed you since it couldn’t quite cover up the glee that formed right after. 

An hour later, everyone had unloaded the vehicles at the campgrounds and pitched the tents. While Hoseok and Jungkook worked on starting the fire pit, Namjoon and Jimin took their time organizing the food and snacks. Rin had disappeared with Taehyung somewhere, but Yoongi said he spotted them taking pictures a ways off. 

“They should be helping,” he muttered. “There’s a lot to do before it gets dark out.” 

Squatting down to rotate sizzling meat on your portable grill, you waved him off. “They’re shot-swapping since it’s golden hour.” 

The silence that followed gave you pause. When you looked up in curiosity, Seokjin and Yoongi regarded you like a foreign language coated your tongue, their struggle to decipher it earning a chuckle of pity. 

“They’re both huge influencers, so they know how to take pictures. They always do this when we get together,” you explained, spinning the kebab onto another side, “And golden hour is around sunrise and sunset. It looks like everything is soaked in gold, and it makes your pictures look pretty. But that’s an old term already! You geezers should keep up.” 

Yoongi simply raised an eyebrow and kneeled to turn his designated stick. Smoke from the charred meat wafted into your noses as he declined, “I’ll pass. That sounds stressful.” 

A rapid clapping of tongs next to your ear preceded Seokjin’s offer, “What are we waiting for? Let’s golden hour swap!” 

Why did he have to be so endearing? A cough escaped your throat, disjointed laughs following right after in their awkward escape. Beside you, Yoongi flung condescension Jin’s way, his voice stocked with disappointment as he warned, “Don’t speak. You age yourself.” 

You transferred your kebabs to a foiled plate before standing, blood rushing to your lower legs. Seokjin was unleashing a hearty tirade at the other man grilling when you intervened, “That sounds nice, actually. I’m in a photography class so I was planning on taking some photos anyways. Lemme just get my camera.” 

As you walked away, you couldn’t escape the abrupt change in atmosphere hovering over the grills, its looming tension caressing the back of your coat in a slight push. The words exchanged were soft in volume, but their possible meanings stayed clanging in your ears. 

“Did you tell her yet?” 

“No.” 

“Do it. She deserves to know.” 

You slipped out of your tent with a heavy jacket and lightheadedness. Medicine would’ve helped with the latter, but the med kit Seokjin packed remained strictly for emergencies. Besides, you couldn’t quite slap a bandage on what was truly bothering you anyways. 

As you inspected your class-registered Polaroid, you continued to wonder what Yoongi meant earlier. 

What was he implying? You deserved to know what? You couldn’t say the feeling swirling around your gut was a positive one. After all, there was a distinct difference in what a person should know, and what a person deserved to know. What was so important that Yoongi practically ordered Seokjin to spill? 

Was there another person in his life now? That was one thing that crossed your mind, but you filed that under the “should know” category, even though it twisted your stomach to think about.

The news had to be something urgent. 

Was Seokjin getting married? 

Without your permission, vessels in your heart shriveled, squeezing life from your already battered soul. A betrothal was entirely possible with his pursuit of a medical degree and coming from a well-to-do family. Maybe he was in an arrangement? 

That possibility dropped an anvil on your chest. You couldn’t say that you were completely fine were that the truth. How could you be fine with something like that if you loved him? Of course, you would be happy if he was, but your heart would require recuperation for an extended amount of time. Give or take a few years. 

You wandered so far into the depths of your mind that Seokjin’s sudden appearance kicked you back to shore, a yelp leaving your mouth at the same time your Polaroid left your hands. If the camera wasn’t hanging from your neck, you would’ve been in deep shit with your professor as soon as it hit the cold soil. 

Its bulky frame definitely bruised your lower chest on the downswing, though. “Ow. Geez, Jinnie, you can’t just sneak up on people like that.” 

Your eyes widened in realization. Jinnie? Shit, you hadn’t called him that since you guys were dating. Quite obviously, the stockpile of thoughts and worries involving his secret were blocking your brain from better judgment. 

And apparently you weren’t the only one affected by that nickname because Seokjin’s eyebrows shot into his dark locks, his peculiar glance shifting away. Odd. 

After an awkward second, he cleared his throat. “Does it hurt?” 

Is it supposed to? You knew he was inquiring about your injury but your thoughts drifted to what hadn’t been divulged yet. “No, it’s fine,” you lied. “Let’s pick a spot before we lose the light.” 

You don’t remember how long you walked, but the pair of you ended up far from the original campsite. 

In your defense, it wasn’t like you planned that outcome. The trees matched at every turn, so you kept wandering until you found a good clearing - or at least some rocks to break the forested monotony. 

A foil to your pickiness, Seokjin voiced his thoughts every ten paces, his votes of confidence constantly crushed by your boots. If you had a cent for every time he declared a spot “the one,” you could actually afford the Polaroid dangling from your neck. 

It was at a calm clearing with some patches from last snowfall where you decided to settle. 

Unhooking the strap from your neck, you ushered, “Let’s do this quick. It’s almost over.” 

“I wanna do it first!” You thought Seokjin meant to take the camera from you, but instead he scuttled into the clearing, striking a pose once he reached its center. Of course the fool meant that he wanted his pictures taken and not the other way around. How was any other idea plausible? “Hurry up, you said!” 

“The ‘S’ in Seokjin stands for ‘Selfish,’” you yelled, positioning the Polaroid against your eye regardless. His face enlarged in the lens and, to his credit, you couldn’t argue that he was the clear model between you two. The man could pursue a career in fashion instead of medicine and you wouldn’t bat an eye. 

He looked handsome merely standing there, cheeks dimpling at nothing in particular and his charm ever effortless. Even the slight bags under his eyes didn’t take away from his natural beauty. 

Par for the course with Seokjin. That unbothered self-assurance was one of the traits you liked and hated about him. 

At least, initially. The more you got to know him, your outlook on that defining characteristic was one of admiration, not hatred. You simply needed to start shoving some of that confidence down your own throat like a different type of vitamin C.

After a telltale camera snap, the man threw out his coated arms in another pose. “And the ‘Seok’ stands for ‘Seok in my presence!’” 

“I think I’ve been in it long enough. My fingers are pruny,” you droned while lowering your Polaroid, ignoring his wiggling in the background. It seemed you were still accustomed to his ridiculousness. 

Yet another thing you gave him credit for: he was never afraid to be a dork. When you first met him, you admittedly thought he was faking it. Over time, you recognized his authenticity, and you grew fond of everything wrapped in the gift that was Kim Seokjin.

You waited for the picture to materialize in your hand. When your impatient model approached you and asked why you weren’t shaking the polaroid, you informed him that you should, in fact, not do that. “It’ll damage the final product!” 

“So that song is…” 

“Wrong. Yes.” 

Pure shock flashed across his face. “What other lies have I been told?”  

The captured memory started blossoming, and you watched as the color bled into life. “That you aren’t the funniest person on the planet,” you answered, earning a scoff. 

“In that case, you’ve just been misinformed.” Seokjin huffed before offering an outstretched palm. “Now hand over the camera, it’s your turn.”

“Me?” You didn’t think he was serious when he said swap. In reality, you just assumed he whipped up an excuse for you to take pictures of him. 

And you didn’t mind. It was nice to have that charming smile directed at you, even if only through the lens of a camera. The Polaroid would be your shield, blocking Seokjin from the pain swimming in your eyes, barely afloat in pools of regret and guilt and loneliness.

“Yes, woman! When was the last time you had your picture taken?” 

Slowly, embarrassment swelled across your cheeks when you realized it had been a very long time. Legitimately long. You never asked others to take your picture; rather, you were always the one behind the lens. The last time someone actually offered was… 

“When you took one,” you stuttered out breathily, “At that park.” 

It was during one of the last dates you two went on before you left for university. There was a carnival you were dying to visit, and Seokjin surprised you with tickets and a kiss. 

You remember being so elated while traversing through the whimsical booths, failing fantastically at the rigged games, scarfing down sticky, billowy cotton candy. Squeaky horns and childish laughter filled your ears, and you could still feel Jin’s gentle fingers on your hand as he shyly tugged you under glowing stringed lights. 

The main attraction was a carousel keeping everything else in orbit, its charisma shining like a golden, spinning sun. When night fell, you too gravitated toward its charm, standing behind its barricade to watch horses and teacups endlessly turn. 

It was so captivating that you forgot yourself and where you were - who you were supposed to be spending time with. Swiveling in fear, you scanned the bustling crowd for your boyfriend, realizing that you needn’t worry at all. 

Seokjin simply waited behind you, holding up his phone and telling you to pose. You were so caught off-guard in that moment that your face contorted hilariously right as he snapped the photo. In his eyes, it was the greatest picture of all time. 

However, it wasn’t that well received by its subject. You begged Seokjin to delete it, and he finally caved on the grounds that you took a replacement. Conceding, you stomped back to the gate guarding the twirling attraction and pranked your boyfriend with a blank expression. 

But as soon as Seokjin drawled “You look like you don’t care-ousel,” you burst into laughter - your unabashed mirth becoming his background on every device he owned. 

The scene faded from your eyes as the current Seokjin stood in front of you, gripping the Polaroid instead of his phone. Gone were the lights and sounds of the theme park and, with them, your fleeting moment of solace. 

“Oh,” was all he stated in return, and you swore the temperature chose to drop in that moment just to mock you.

“You know I don’t prefer it anyways.” Your heart was losing its grip, sorrow evident in your shaky tone. You folded your arms to shield your body from the weather and unwanted emotions. “I’m definitely not as photogenic as you.” 

“Nonsense,” Seokjin shot back. “Now hurry up, it’s only golden minute now!” 

And just like that, his warmth melted any awkwardness like spring chasing away winter. 

In retrospect, he probably regarded that moment at the carnival differently, or he just wanted to keep those memories in the past where they belonged. It hurt to be the only one so strongly affected by them, but Jin had the right idea. If there existed a standard list of activities to do with an ex, talking about the past wasn’t one of the options. Especially if you had feelings for said ex. 

Plus, you didn’t forget that there was something he had to tell you. It seemed like you were going to have to wait a little longer for that, and your anxiousness wasn’t pleased.  

As you ambled to the center of the clearing, you focused more on the crunching sounds your boots made rather than your feelings. With a quick survey of the area, you surmised that it really was a pretty spot, the mountain range peeking behind the trees adding depth to the setting. Adjusting your outfit, you took a breath of courage before staring at the eye of the Polaroid.

Seokjin moved the camera from his face and called your name, roping your gaze to his concern. “Smile, okay?” 

On instinct, your throat constricted. You couldn’t hide behind the lens that time. But smile you did, and you hoped Seokjin thought it genuine, silently pleading him to not notice the anguish lingering behind your crescent eyes. 

The fire pit your friends constructed blazed bright as you both made it back to the campgrounds. Everyone occupied the surrounding logs and, judging from the soft pop pumping from a portable speaker, Jungkook must have commandeered music control.

Jimin turned when he heard your footsteps, his expression indiscernible as he shifted his gaze between you and Jin. Thankfully, he didn’t say anything, only turning back to Yoongi to continue their conversation. 

Seokjin and you parted ways effortlessly: he slotted into the empty space next to Namjoon and you headed to your tent to stow your camera. 

And for some reason, that easy departure was hard to swallow. 

Your pitched space offered warmth upon entry, and you dumped yourself onto your sleeping bag without a word. A few quiet moments passed before you unzipped your backpack, the tiny action feeling so tedious, so difficult to achieve. 

After you finally stored your equipment and closed your bag shut, you just… sat there. Contemplative. 

Mentally, you were in a bad place. Your thoughts and emotions banged into each other, their war rendering you powerless - captive. Fidgeting with the plasticky fabric of your sleeping bag, you thought back to what happened after you two left the photo spot.

It was an uneventful walk back for the most part. The polaroids turned out nice, all thanks to the very rare and very expensive camera you borrowed. Seokjin claimed yours and handed you his, and faced with your sudden curiosity, he sheepishly offered, “You don’t have to keep it.” 

You were more questioning of the fact that he stored yours in his jacket, but you didn’t want to broach that subject. It was beginning to scare you. Maybe it was the fact that he was acting strange, coupled with the other fact that he was hiding something from you. 

Why were you suddenly afraid to confront him? You two were open with each other during your relationship. Were you also wanting to put this dreaded conversation off as long as possible, too? 

If he was with someone else, though, would he still be keeping your picture? 

It was too much to think about, so you tried to lock everything in a box and sit on it. 

You saw the light of the campfire after a few minutes of walking through the woods - a handful of silent, crawling minutes. It was bugging you that Seokjin didn’t say anything on the way back. A quiet Jin was a Jin knee deep in thought, and not in good circumstance. In a moment of weakness, you almost offered out your hand to grab his, but you instead crammed it inside your coat pocket. 

When you both rejoined your friends, it seemed so easy for you guys to separate, like you didn’t just go off and do something so intimate. Even though that wasn’t the word you wanted to use. 

You resigned yourself to the big picture nonetheless: it wasn’t like what Taehyung and Rin did. Your best friend was insanely popular on social media with her carefully curated feed and relatable-yet-unachievable style. Taehyung had his own massive following for different reasons, and you couldn’t deny that he knew exactly what he was doing to gain the hearts of many. They were snapping photos for each other to show millions of anonymous beings across the world. 

You and Seokjin just took photos for each other to have. No one else was going to see those. 

Why did you feel like that was significant? 

The edge of your sleeping bag began to fray under duress, so you plucked your body off the ground and slipped back outside. What you expected was the temperature dipping a couple degrees in nightfall. What you didn’t expect was Jimin waiting for you, puffy jacket and all, leaning against a tree. 

When he saw you emerge from your tent, he straightened and regarded you with caution. “Everything okay?”

You adjusted the front of your coat before fishing a beanie out to cover your ears. “Yeah, why?”

“You were just in there for awhile,” Jimin explained, his eyes searching yours, “And you were with him for a long time.”

“I don’t like being interrogated, Park,” you sighed.

“I know, I just…” He mirrored you and huffed his own breath toward the ground. A quick glance had you noticing that his own beanie was knit as thick as the fog in your mind. “I just want to make sure.” 

Jimin was whom you considered closest next to your best friend and formerly Seokjin. After your break up, Jimin regularly sent you texts to check on you, despite your constant assurance that you were okay. It got to a point where you phoned him and pleaded reprieve - to reach out only if he had something critical to say. 

His broken reply? He only texted you because Seokjin wouldn’t. 

You ended up crying after that call, and the tears annoyingly persisted a couple nights following. 

He was also one of the only two people in the world that knew you loved Jin. Rin was the other, and that’s only because you let it slip during a girls’ night over cheap wine and period piece movies. Something about an early morning confession in a dewy meadow was enough to loosen your alcohol-mottled tongue.

After you ran your fingers over your head, you responded, “Can I ask you something?” 

Your friend’s eyes roamed over your face. “Of course.”

“What’s he hiding from me?”

Jimin instantly clammed up at the question. His dancer frame assumed a rigid position, each limb locking, including his jaw. “It’s not my place to say,” he answered gravely, pulling anger from your center.

“Does everyone else know this secret except me?” You really couldn’t take it anymore, especially knowing that something you supposedly deserved to know was possibly public knowledge. 

“Just the guys,” Jimin divulged, and you scoffed. 

“I can’t believe this.” You made to walk away, in the opposite direction of the campfire. Into the woods again.

Jimin said your name like he just wanted you to understand already, halting you mid-stride. “I’ve been trying to get him to talk to you. Trust me, I have.”

“He’s a grown man, Park. His decisions aren’t your problem,” you whispered. 

“But aren’t they yours?” 

“Not anymore. We aren’t together right now, if you don’t recall.” You knew you were spitting bullshit, and Jimin did, too. If Seokjin wasn’t giving you problems, you wouldn’t have been hiding in your tent or literally and figuratively walking away from him. Guiltily, you turned back to face Jimin and give him his credit. 

He was this way for everyone in your group: the glue that hung on and fought to keep people from breaking apart. Whenever a fight broke out between warring parties, Jimin was the middle man. Always. 

Sighing, you relented, “I’m sorry I’m taking this out on you. I’m just so confused, and the longer he hides whatever he’s hiding from me, the more restless I’ll be.”

“Everyone is on your side in this,” Jimin replied. “He just needs to, I don’t know, woman up.”

A breath of laughter escaped you at the tweaked phrase, the tension coating your shoulders slowly sliding off in clumps. “Did you say ‘woman up?’”

“Men aren’t shit,” your friend explained, pointing a gloved finger to punctuate every syllable. “At least women get things done.”

“I would totally drink to that if I had a bottle in my hand, Jimin.”

“Ah, well that can be arranged!” The boy’s eyes crinkled as he spun on a heel. “Let’s go. Jungkook and Taehyung brought out the drinks awhile ago. I missed out on a few bottles already talking to you.”

“Oh, I feel so remorseful,” you cooed, your voice worthy of giving kids cavities. “Almost as if I cared.” 

“Ass,” Jimin snapped, but he could only laugh. When you joined his side, he turned and whispered, “But seriously. If he doesn’t talk about it by the end of this trip, I’m giving him hell.” 

The temperature dropped again at that moment, and the wind blowing through the pines cut straight into your bones. Your shoulders hunched on instinct and you blinked to get needed moisture. Was it going to snow? The skies above did look intimidating. Was it going to storm? 

A sudden trepidation settled into your gut. “Did we check the weather,” you queried, shuffling through your brain to see if you monitored it yourself before the trip. 

“Uh-umm, I did,” Jimin answered through chattering teeth, “But I didn’t see anything other than it being cold.” 

You pulled out your phone and regretted doing so, your fingers freezing over instantly. You were lucky you all chose a location that was still in signal range - really, thanks went to Rin and Taehyung for incessantly demanding it every year.

Pulling up the weather app after a few tries, you cursed at the oncoming forecast. “Well, there’s more to it. Snow’s coming in,” you relayed to Jimin. “Let’s pack up and find a place to stay.” 

The car ride to the nearest lodging felt immensely different than the ride to the campgrounds. Some people focused on defrosting, one person worried about the people in the front, and the two said people in the front weren’t talking at all. 

It was you that broke the silence when you steadily gave directions, and Seokjin would repeat them like always. Selfishly, you wanted the car ride to keep going just so you could hear his voice. He wasn’t saying anything otherwise, and there wasn’t music playing for him to absentmindedly sing along to. 

The first snowfall was light as your caravan entered the small town nearby, which relieved you. Tiny snowflakes clung onto the windows and you lost yourself in their geometric patterns. Lights from the shops and other stray cars reflected in the slick roads to create a symphony of color, and white patches already settled on trees that lined the main way. 

Seokjin spotted the lodge first, and he rolled into a spot towards the entrance, Jungkook’s car slotting into the next space. Your driver rolled down his window and repeatedly pointed his finger down to signal for Yoongi to follow suit. “Let’s go in and make sure they have our rooms first,” he called out, and Jungkook leaned over his console to shout a hearty okay.

You hoisted yourself out of the car and waited for the boys to follow. Seokjin went to stand next to you, but instead of Jungkook popping out of the other car, it was Namjoon that emerged. You could only guess that the youngest slyly started a game to have the loser get out. 

Your stomach turned when you realized it was most likely because no one wanted to be left alone with you and Seokjin. 

Remorse burned your throat. This trip was supposed to be fun, but it just felt strained. Were you overthinking? Or was your churning gut correct in its assumption? 

At the very least, you hoped everyone else was having a better time than you were. 

It seemed that the man beside you had the same feeling that a challenge was pitched. “Rock-paper-scissors? Or nose goes?”

Namjoon just laughed at the ground as his face flushed. “Nose goes, and I put my finger on my mouth so, umm, that’s that.” 

You chuckled while you three made your way to the door, both of them towering over you on either side. Seokjin opened the entrance for everyone and, when you stepped foot inside, you were hit with a wave of warmth mixed with an undercurrent of gingerbread. The entirety of the main entrance bathed in plaid or embroidered throws, and there was an obvious affinity for Christmas on display with the plethora of garlands, lights, and a towering Christmas tree in the front bay window. 

Namjoon and Seokjin quickly got distracted by the toy train running through a snowy village setup. Adorable, but not helpful. 

Alone at the front desk, you received confirmation that your group had four bookings, and you thanked the concierge while you gathered the keys. 

The rooms weren’t next to each other. One of them sat on another floor, and the rest were separated but shared the same level. 

A container of pamphlets caught your attention, so you grabbed one before strolling away. “Guys, let’s claim our rooms. After that, you can watch the train all you want,” you called out, tapping them both on the back with the thin brochure. 

They swiveled their heads to your retreating form before following you out the door. 

“No. We are not doing that again.” 

“Come on, hyung, it’ll be fun!” 

“I’m with Yoongi on this one. We could all end up in the same room.” 

“But what if you get a room to yourself?” 

“Why can’t we ever just pick like normal people? And Hoseok-hyung, you laugh but you have the worst luck out of all of us.” 

“Excuse me! That’s only because you all psyche me out!” 

“Let’s just pick something. My phone’s almost dead.” 

You stood next to Rin while you two watched the boys decide how room assignments were determined. It was a sight to see: them crowding the small hallway, bags littered around their bulky shoes. You both were thankful they were courteous enough to let you two keep a room to yourselves. They even made sure yours wasn’t on the other floor, just so that you girls wouldn’t be alone. 

They were going to pick random rooms one-by-one, not knowing which options the others picked until they opened a door. If you and your friend also had to choose, you were risking the possibility of being stuck with Seokjin, which was the last thing you wanted. 

On a day where your friendship was actually normal, that wouldn’t have mattered one bit. But right then? The tension surrounding him would have been detrimental. 

He had something to say; he wasn’t saying it. You were a sitting, fidgeting duck. 

Jungkook whipped his phone out to search the internet for a random coin flip generator. “Here. Heads, we do it. Tails, we don’t.” 

Yoongi just snickered in defeat and already started picking up his bag. “I call picking first.” 

His intuition proved sharp as the generator pulled up Heads: they were going with the random room assignments. Taehyung kicked his head back with a sigh, and Jimin and Jungkook burst into laughter while the elders collectively groaned.  

As Rin giggled at their misfortune, you sent a rueful smile Seokjin’s way out of habit. You were still friends, after all, and he seemed so distraught over the prospect of horrid results. His eyes locked onto yours and, for a brief moment, he offered a shy grin in return.

The fluttering in your chest was quickly shooed away. 

It was while everyone relaxed around a public lounge area that Jungkook hurled an accusation, his eyes alight with the flames licking the nearby fireplace. “Hyung cheated.” 

Seokjin immediately sat up in his plush chair and retorted, “Take that back! I did nothing of the sort. You all were just too lazy to take the stairs to the next floor.”

Taehyung shot him a side eye and shared his own eloquent opinion. “Seems sus.” 

A whole new wave of bickering erupted, and you redirected your attention to the snow storm blustering outside tall windows. 

You were thanking every deity above that you guys decided to leave in time. It would’ve been hell in the campsite during this weather, or even while squeezed into the cars. 

Though the original plans were derailed, you were pretty happy with the current lodging situation. Who knew a small town would have a humongous lodge? It had to be assumed that this was the main business keeping the town running. Rin was absolutely drinking it in and stated she even wanted to bring her family there, her thoughtfulness curving your mouth upwards.

Another good thing that came out of this trip proved to be the room assignments that Jungkook ended up loathing. They had you clutching your sides when all was said and done.

Four of the boys managed to pick the same room, and Hoseok and Yoongi snagged a room to themselves. These results resulted in one Kim Seokjin speeding up and down the hallway, wholeheartedly shouting with glee. Yoongi almost crumpled to the ground in relief at the end, and Hoseok fell over in laughter when he entered the full room. You could feel the desperation in Namjoon’s muffled voice as he begged Seokjin to let him change rooms. The only reply he received was an ominous “If you behave.” 

“Don’t blame us,” Yoongi laughed out, both hands lightly gripping the arms of the rocking chair he chose. “This is what you young people get for trying to be cute.” His relief from only having to bunk with one other person left him chipper, you noticed. To his credit, it was amusing that the youngest four ended up in the same room. 

“Okay, gramps,” Jungkook snapped, earning a laugh from Jimin on the seat next to him. “But she definitely gave hyung clues!” 

You whipped your head around to shoot a confused look toward your accuser. “Me?” 

Multiple eyes darted between you two like pinballs, and you didn’t have time to brace for his next words,

“You know you won’t see him again after this trip, so you—” 

“—Kook!” 

All oxygen abandoned you as Jimin rushed to shut the younger man’s mouth, practically slapping his face. Eyes popped out of his head as Jungkook paled in realization. 

The rest of the boys bore glares into the youngest one’s countenance, but Seokjin turned directly towards you with concern. 

What just happened? Your fingers gripped the varnished wood of your chair as you slowly locked eyes with your ex, and your heart dropped like a stone when he shifted his gaze to the floor. 

What the fuck was happening? Your brain was going haywire. What did Jungkook mean? You wouldn’t see Seokjin after this trip? The man that you couldn’t wait to see on the last Friday of every November? That was bogus. He was joking. It was a joke, right? One more weekend before Seokjin was gone from your life forever? Impossible. Ludicrous.

Why wasn’t anyone saying anything? 

Beside you, Rin clutched one of your tense fists in her soft palms. Addressing the group, her sharp tone demanded an answer when she asked, “What the hell is going on?” 

The silence that followed was palpable. Not even the pleasant music drifting through the lodge was enough to damper the tension. 

“I think,” Yoongi finally murmured, his words ice, “This is our cue to leave.”  

“No need,” your friend snipped, “We’ll go.” She whispered your name before softly tugging you to vacate your seat. 

When you pried yourself from the cushion, it took a moment for you to control your legs to actually move. You knew all the guys were watching you, but you were too embarrassed to acknowledge them, too upset to look any of them in the eye. 

Rin led you away from the lounge, making sure you were heading toward the nearest staircase before spinning on her heel. “To the unfortunate soul that gets to explain this to me,” she bit, clutching everyone’s attention in her underlying threat, “Text me where to meet you in ten minutes.” 

Both you and Rin occupied the carpet, backs against the cookie cutter sofa that existed in each room. 

You two pushed the furniture around so that the couch faced the windows instead of the plain TV, and you surprised your friend by dumping yourself onto the ground instead of the cushions. Rin didn’t question you, though. She only followed suit. 

The curtains were shoved to the side to reveal the relentless storm, and you watched the swirls and streaks of white until your head fell onto Rin’s shoulder. 

“I should’ve been paying attention to you,” she murmured, “I’m sorry.”

You shook your head, the motion feeling awkward in its tilt. “No, no. You’ve been having a fun time, so I’m happy I didn’t ruin that.” Your laugh was dry. “Until now, at least.”

Rin lowered her shoulder so that you rested more comfortably. “How are you feeling?” 

“Like I’m going through a breakup again.”

Fuck. You didn’t realize until the words left your lips that it’s how you really felt. 

It had been a few years since you guys ended things. Throughout that whole time, you didn’t feel awkward one bit.  

Well, that wasn’t entirely true. The “date” that Seokjin brought to the Christmas party last year made you want to tear your hair out. But, that was because she was obviously after his finances and that was the year you realized you loved him. 

The conversation you had with Seokjin turned sour, but you really wanted him to see the big picture. You could still recall that night with clarity, the snow falling much lighter than what you currently witnessed outside. 

“Seokjin, do you honestly think she likes you?” The red dress you wore was so vibrant that it glinted off the dinnerware spread across the decadent table nearby. 

When you pulled your ex aside that night, the only quiet place you could find was the dining room, long abandoned once everyone got their seconds. Up until this point, it was obvious Seokjin wasn’t understanding you. You tried to tell him how you saw it, and he would just brush things aside. 

“You sound like you care more than I do,” he accused, his eyes looking everywhere but your face.

Before you responded, you scoffed. “I’m your friend. Of course I’m going to care.” 

You remember the strong emotions you suppressed that night. You couldn’t let more things slip than necessary. Yes, you could show him you cared. Yes, you could show him he needed someone else. Just as long as you didn’t give too much of your own feelings for him away. “You deserve someone that at least likes you, for you.” 

Seokjin finally stared back at your stormy features, his eyes filled with something unsaid. You sucked in a breath. What else would he say? You liked him for everything he was, but that relationship didn’t pan out. Obviously. You would’ve been going to this Christmas party together if you still dated. 

Maybe you shouldn’t have been having that conversation - it was already hard enough for you to say you were his friend. You wanted to be more than that. Again. 

“I know she doesn’t like me,” he finally admitted, running a hand through his bangs. The urge to caress his ever soft strands filled you with grief. 

You really did like his hair, and it looked even better when coupled with his Nutcracker-esque attire. 

“Then why…” You struggled to find a reason why they were even there together. It was a Christmas party with your friends. Why would he bring someone that he didn’t like? 

“She’s interested in Namjoon.” Seokjin’s eyes quickly turned into crescents when he witnessed your expression, and his full lips pursed to contain his laughter. “I was trying to get her off me the whole night, but she was trying harder than she needed to to make him jealous. I’m irresistible, you know.” 

“Irritable is more like it,” you growled, playfully shoving him aside. “Ass! I was just trying to protect you and you knew this whole time!” 

“It’s nice to know you’re looking out for me!” The man beamed as he made his way out of the dining room. 

“Yeah, well,” you whispered, tensing slightly when he stopped. “They have to be perfect. It’s what you deserve.” And you really did mean that.  

Seokjin’s smile faltered, and you shot him a half-smile before exiting the room yourself. 

That was the last time you guys had an argument, if you could even call it that. The rest of the moments you had with him were completely fine. You wondered if Seokjin could see through you during that conversation. He was perceptive, sure, but you may have gotten away with looking like just a good friend. 

It was just worrisome since you couldn’t control your emotions that night. You only got to see him in person during these November trips and Christmas parties when you went home, after all. Seeing him again after realizing you loved him ignited something within you, and it took the whole night to put that fire out.

This looming news just felt way too heavy to handle. Was it because you reached where the sidewalk ended? You weren’t going to see his face in person or hear his laugh out loud. There wasn’t going to be off-the-cuff, awful dad jokes thrown your way every end of November. 

A nagging idea, far in the depths of your mind, kept tapping your shoulder. But you brushed it off with a scowl. 

Even if you acknowledged the concept, there was no way Seokjin felt the same about you. Neither one of you said you loved each other throughout the time you were dating. Were there times you thought you did? Admittedly, yes. Did you ever think about telling him? Another yes. But he never hinted that he felt the same, so it would’ve been awkward for you if it turned out he didn’t. The absence of a confession kept you from revealing yours. So of course even now, you couldn’t tell him. Especially since he was apparently leaving.

Rin didn’t speak for awhile, but you knew she wasn’t the best at comforting people. She was number one at standing up for you and protecting you, but when it came to the softer parts of consoling, she did flounder. Which was endearing and calming in itself.

“How can I help,” she simply offered, and you nuzzled further into her neck. She always smelled so nice, your guardian Rin.

The adrenaline from Jungkook’s bombshell, your swift exit, and the constant stream of thoughts started to wane. Exhaustion slowly took its place like honey sliding into a jar. Softly, your eyelids drooped and you whispered, “This room is a castle, so be my big bad dragon and don’t let anyone in.” 

The last sound you heard before falling asleep was a tinkling laugh followed by a small “As you wish, princess.” 

When you regained consciousness, you discovered that you were strewn across one of the beds instead of the ground. You couldn’t even estimate how much time passed while you were out, but the storm outside was still thrashing and the only light in the room was the emergency one by the door. 

You groggily propped up weary limbs in search of your phone, eventually swiping it from the nightstand. Still half-asleep, you barely registered the pain meds and glass of water sitting on that same table, their dark silhouettes waiting patiently. 

Bright pixels mocked your drool-covered chin. Scrunching your face instinctively, you scrolled through your notifications while blinking sleep from your lashes. You received multiple texts, but you didn’t want to open the threads completely, so you opted to check them from the Home screen. 

Jiminie [7:20pm]: Fuck, I’m sorry that happened. Please be okay. Love you.

Tae [7:21pm]: free hugs whenever you need. you know the drill. 

Rin-Rin [7:36pm]: I know you said not to let anyone in but I literally couldn’t carry you to the bed. Forgive me!

Yoongi [7:37pm]: He’s in his room. I kept telling him to tell you. I know it’s shit to find out this way so if he doesn’t explain things to you, I will. 

Hobi [7:39pm]: we’re here for u love!! let me know if u need anything. there’s a small concession stand downstairs so if u need smth i can run it up!!

Jiminie [7:40pm]: Kook is in bad shape. He swore he thought hyung told you already. Don’t worry tho. I’m not letting him off easy.

Rin-Rin [7:43pm]: Hey, love. Just spoke to Seokjin. I think you need to talk to him yourself, but only if you feel up for it. 

Joonie [7:45pm]: I gave Rin a bottle of pain meds we had in our room 

Joonie [7:45pm]: Go ahead and take some when you wake up

Joonie [7:45pm]: We can count this as an emergency

Jiminie [8:21pm]: Let me know if you’re okay, okay?

Kook [8:33pm]: I’m so sorry 

Rin-Rin [8:48pm]: Grabbing us some snacks from downstairs, I’ll brb. 

Your battered heart sank even more when you noticed a distinct absence amongst the names. Seokjin didn’t send you a single message. 

What had gotten into him? Did he still not want to talk to you despite you knowing his secret? You clicked your phone shut without opening any of the messages and sunk into the pillows. It was 8:49pm, so you had barely missed Rin’s departure. Her exit was probably what woke you. 

Unwittingly, you found your device in front of your baggy eyes again, berating yourself for hovering over Seokjin’s thread. The last text he sent stared back at you in a mocking set of pixels. 

Kim JokeJin [Thursday, 9:23pm]: Let’s make this one the best one! 

With the previous context, this was just a regular message about the yearly trip. With the right context, these words tied your throat in a knot.  

You were sure you loved him, but what you were feeling now was even stronger. If you were honest with yourself, you would say that this is what yearning truly felt like, what something deeper than love felt like. 

But you were a fool and a liar, so you convinced yourself it was only because you wouldn’t see him again. 

As soon as you were about to give up and lock your phone, the thread updated with a new text from Seokjin, and you stilled. 

Kim JokeJin [8:51pm]: You’re probably still asleep, so I don’t want to wake you. 

You immediately clicked on his message, your anxiousness protected by the absence of Read receipts. The typing bubble kept popping in and out of the screen and, with bated breath, you waited to see if a second text slid into the thread. A hard exhale whooshed from your throat when the second message came through. 

Kim JokeJin [8:53pm]: But I owe you an explanation so come up when you can. 

Fingers locked your phone in an instant when the door creaked on its hinges. Rin entered with an armful of chips and various candy bars, and as you started to get up, she tutted.  

“Sit down, lady.” Packages crinkled as she dumped them onto your covered legs in a processed, sweet and salty heap. “Did you take the medicine?” 

You shook your head, very sure that you looked like a cranky Troll doll. 

“Go ahead and eat something really quick so the medicine will work. When you’re awake enough…” Rin’s voice trailed off, but you filled in the blanks yourself. Go talk to him was what she wanted to say. 

“Can’t you just tell me what he said?” You were hopeful that Rin would save you the pain of confronting Seokjin yourself. In reality, she denied your request. 

“Not this time,” she murmured, “This is something that needs to come from him.” 

You figured as much, but it didn’t hurt to try getting out of it. It was a conversation that you both wanted and dreaded to have. Under your goosebumps, your bones trembled.

If you were frightened by the mere gist of it, how were you going to react to the real thing?

The reality was that you needed the closure Seokjin was offering. You didn’t think this vacation - or your friendship, for that matter - could regain normalcy until you had this talk. “Sorry I ruined this trip,” you whispered, playing with a corner of the closest bag of chips. 

“I’m sorry, is your name ‘Jungkook?’” Rin laughed. “I’m kidding. It’s not ruined. At the very least, it’s salvageable. Maybe.”

“You should be a weather girl with these confident forecasts,” you joked, coaxing a laugh from your friend. You offered a small smile in return, but your heart wasn’t in it. She kinda forgot that this is the last trip you guys would have with Seokjin. If anything, it was doomed from the start. 

Little striations ran across the door greeting you, shallow cuts skirting up and down the frame. You roved your eyes over the rough texture; contemplative, lost in the mahogany brown expanse. 

If only you were a sturdy tree. You wouldn’t have to worry about any hard conversations in life. All you would’ve had to worry about was possibly becoming a rickety chair for a spoiled brat, or one of Namjoon’s tables that he would eventually damage and lament over. 

With a breath, you finally knocked. 

It didn’t take long for Seokjin’s freshly showered form to answer, and when you saw him dressed down to a plain white shirt and black pants, you quickly shifted your eyes to the floor. Didn’t he know that outfit was your favorite? Your weakness? 

“Hey,” you simply said. “I’m awake now.” 

He nodded and let you in, the door closing with a soft click. When you crossed the room, you stopped in front of the couch, anticipation already caking onto your clothes. There wasn’t much to say on your end, you figured, so Seokjin had to take the lead. 

Instead of launching into topic, he walked towards you and grabbed a bottle from his nightstand. “Do you want some water?” 

You could only stare at the plastic in question. “Did I come here for water, Seokjin?” 

There was a heavy pause before the man planted his offering on the nightstand. “No.” Sitting on the longer side of his bed, he clasped his hands together, blank eyes glued to the floor. “Jungkook is right. I won’t be able to go on these trips anymore.” 

“Why?” 

“I, umm,” Seokjin answered, his words fumbling, “I kinda got into Harvard Medical School.” 

“What?” Your anxiousness was forgotten as you gawked at him. That was what he was holding back from you? All this time? That amazing, fantastic, crazy news? Without thinking, you bounded toward him and crushed him in a hug, careful to not push him back onto the bed. “Seokjin! This is what you couldn’t tell me?” 

His arms remained at his sides. When he responded, his explanation bounced onto your shoulder, “I literally won’t have a life once I start. None of you will be able to see this face, isn’t that enough to be sad about?” 

Another moment of weakness came over you, and instead of overcoming it, you gave in. Your arms tightened around him and you whispered, “No, I’m so happy for you. You’ve worked so hard…” 

There were bags under his eyes for a reason. You knew the nights he got three hours of sleep far outweighed the nights he got more than that. The reason you two didn’t get to see each other was his relentless studying and discipline, and you didn’t want him to have to choose between you and a future career. You both were way too young for those rash decisions. 

It was with this memory that you were reminded of why you broke up: you wanted him to focus on his goals and you would do the same. “Really, I’m so proud of you.” 

Why you hadn’t let go of him at that point was a mystery to you, but you couldn’t seem to stop. The feel of his body against yours consumed you, held you captive even if his arms didn’t. 

But after a moment, you felt strong limbs wrap around your sides and emotion wrap around your throat. 

You don’t remember the last time you two truly embraced. It was a given that the last time you did, you were both completely different people. Both so young. Both so naive.

“Thank you,” Seokjin breathed, his head finally a beautiful burden on your shoulder, “But there’s more.” 

Tension froze your veins, taking the color from your complexion. Of course there was more. There was no way that was the big reveal, even though it was a monster in itself. “Oh,” was all you managed to squeak out. 

Seokjin’s arms gently pushed your body away so that he could look you in the eyes. You already missed his stronghold, but you listened as he spoke. “My parents want me to go back home. To Korea.” 

You blinked. “Even though you got into Harvard?” 

“No, no, after that,” Seokjin expressed with a level of confidence only he could achieve. Like it was inconceivable that he wouldn’t get his doctorate. He then searched your face, the pause holding weight. “So, I don’t know if I’ll see you guys again.” 

The wind howled outside and you shivered as if you were standing out there in the cold. There was so much that you wanted to say, but all the thoughts you had in your head melded together into sludge. Words struggled to leave your mouth. Nothing processed correctly in your brain. 

Seokjin wasn’t joking - not this time. He really was going to be swamped in work and work and more work. Even the holidays were going to be crammed, and you were sure he wanted to use those rare rest periods solely to recharge. 

Yes, he would still be able to text and call everyone, but that would be the extent of communication. He wasn’t big on social media. Even if he was, there would certainly be a dip in his activity now. 

Just like you felt earlier, you really did feel like you were going through a breakup again. Only this time, the last remains of your relationship were at stake. 

You didn’t want that. 

“We’d still be friends,” you weakly offered, wondering if you were just saying that to convince yourself. 

An empty chuckle startled you, and when you looked at Jin, he directed an empty gaze toward his nightstand’s lamp. “Yeah… We’d still be friends,” he repeated, and the way he said that made your shoulders sag. It was almost as if he didn’t believe you. 

“But Seokjin… You should be so happy. I mean, you’re incredible,” you whispered, a heavy feeling weighing down your chest.

“What if I’m not?” 

You sucked in a breath, suddenly not knowing what to do. Was he saying that hypothetically? No. There wouldn’t be a reason for him to ask if he truly was. 

How were you supposed to respond to that? Being a doctor was his goal - you were sure of it. If he got accepted into Harvard of all places, then his future glimmered as bright as his charm. “What do you mean,” was what you decided to say. Because you needed more from him than that. 

“You said I should be happy. What if I’m not?” 

“This is what you’ve been working towards your whole life!” It didn’t make any sense. None of this was making any sense. Who wasn’t happy that they got accepted to one of the most prestigious medical programs in the world? “You did everything you could, and now you have something to show for it! We even broke up over this. And that’s fine,” you quickly added at the end. You didn’t want Seokjin to feel bad for that at all. 

“What I’m trying to say is,” you continued, wanting to get every logical word out before more irrational ones escaped. “You’ve gotten everything you wanted. You deserve to be happy.” 

You could feel the doors of your heart scraping shut. Even if you wanted to try to be with him again, you would have to give up on that dream. There was no way it was going to work if it didn’t pan out last time. 

Fists clenched, you hated how your heart gravitated towards Seokjin on this damn trip, loathed how your brain produced its own highlight reel. Somehow, they both knew this was the end before you did. 

“I don’t have everything I want, but you’re right. I’ll be happy.” He sounded bitter. Why did he sound so bitter?

“What more could you want,” you blurted, the question materializing between the two of you in bold letters. You were just getting frustrated at this point. 

This was his dream. The ultimate goal. The one thing he wanted out of life.

“It doesn’t matter.” 

“It does to me.”

“Well, it’s none of your concern.”

“I don’t care if it is or not.”

“You really want to know?” Seokjin shot off the bed, immediately towering over your small stature. As your eyes reached his face, you watched as his lips twisted, your shocked features taking in his frustration. “It’s… It’s love, okay? That might sound weird to you, but I’ve realized that all of this is pointless without it. That’s what I’m missing. I want to love again.” He shoved a hand through his hair, his forehead slightly wrinkling under duress. 

The first thing that threw you off was the mere mention of the word. That was so brave of him to even bring it up. With you, of all people: someone he’s dated before. It must have taken so much courage for him to admit that. 

But there was another word in there that stood out amongst all the others.

Again. He said again. Did he love someone before? He couldn’t have been referring to what you guys had. You never once said those words to each other while you dated. So who was he thinking of? And why did it hurt to know that he had loved before and it wasn’t you? 

“I didn’t know you wanted that,” you replied, your voice painfully small. “But I don’t think it’s weird.”

You wanted nothing more than to just confess to him already, but you had no clue what he would say if he didn’t want something with you. The moment escaped like a thief in the night.

“Ah, well, if you knew the whole story,” Seokjin sighed, his breath shaky, “You would definitely think it’s stupid.”

“Why did it end the first time?” You wanted to get to the bottom of it. Maybe through his explanation, you could find something salvageable. You cared about him - so damn much. Seeing him in a state of utter helplessness seized your heart and gripped it tight. “With the one you… you loved. What happened?”

Seokjin’s indiscernible stare pierced through your soul, his silence screaming that he didn’t want to talk about it. 

And you understood his reluctance. The list of activities to do with an ex didn’t include this as an option, either. 

You felt the steely aftertaste of guilt on your tongue. Maybe he wanted you to just leave him alone already. Besides, you already pushed him to tell a multitude of truths that night. Asking him about a past love life was most likely crossing the line. “I’m sorry,” you apologized, uprooting yourself from your spot to leave. “You don’t have to tell me. I’ll leave you alone.” 

You made it three steps before Seokjin responded, “She decided to end it.” 

A vice clamped your chest. You stood in your new spot closer to the door, eyes boring into the floor. “Even though you were in love?” 

That must have been awful. If you loved him when you two broke it off, it would have absolutely hurt. Very much like what was happening to you now, in fact. Because fuck, were you absolutely disintegrating like a paper on fire. 

“I don’t think she loved me,” Seokjin disclosed, his words tightening the clasp around your lungs. “But I loved her.” 

“I’m so sorry, Seokjin.” Tears brimmed across your eyes, but you didn’t want him to see you break. You thrummed with so many emotions in that moment, swept by the current of his words, his heavy tribulations.

He loved someone in the past. You loved him in the present. If only you both harbored a love for each other in at least one point in your lives. 

“That must have been hard.”

“It wasn’t, for the most part.” His brittle words crumbled as they appeared. “I saw it coming.”

You chewed on your lip. Seokjin’s confessions were so full of pain - the amount of love he had for this person was obvious. Looking back on your relationship, you remember your split being mutual. It was mutual, right? There weren't any feelings involved. Whichever other situation Seokjin was referring to had to be sometime after you. 

Maybe it was someone during his college days. But wouldn’t you have at least heard about them through the friend circle? Their name must have just left your mind. You knew Seokjin flirted a lot but he needed to be serious to really start a relationship. This one just sounded tragic. 

“I don’t know what to say,” you admitted sincerely, your chest about ready to collapse, “Other than don’t give up. You can do it. Love again.” The joints in your knees threatened to give out. Telling the one you loved that he could find someone again was too much. Too, too much.

“Ah, yeah. Well.” Seokjin turned away from you in a shrug. Even the back of his profile was perfect. “Thanks for being a good, uh, friend.” 

Friend. Could you teleport to your room and stay there? You couldn’t be the one to give him what he wanted, especially since he was about to be gone for a very long time. No matter how much you wanted to. Oh, how you wanted to. 

You swung around to face the door once again. Critical words almost freed themselves from your lips, but you held them back, swallowed them down. “I’ll always be your friend.” 

Head storming, you commended yourself for keeping your voice level. The tears were able to recede - which relieved you, since you wanted to make it through the rest of the conversation with dry eyes. With one tiny head shake, you whispered, “Let’s get some sleep, okay? I don’t want us to ruin the rest of this trip. Like you said before, we have to make it the best one.” 

Seokjin got up and made his way over to you, and you turned around with a fresh face once you knew he was close enough. The smile he wore was manufactured, but you didn’t want to pry. Instead, you repeated your advice as you both approached his door. Because you wanted him to understand. “Seriously. Don’t give up, you hear me?” 

“Don’t give up,” he echoed as he pulled on the handle, like you were just giving him directions. He stilled for a moment in deep concentration before looking your way. Dark eyes bore into yours and you could almost hear them speak, but he gave one final nod and vowed, “Okay.” 

Little striations met you again when you gave Seokjin’s closed room one last look, and you swore they regarded you with pity. Finally breaking, you let your tears fall the whole way back to your floor, wishing to be made into a sturdy tree in your next life so you never had to feel that way again. 

The next morning found all nine friends situated in various places around Seokjin’s room. You thought it amusing that the boys never really settled for normal seats, always choosing a table or windowsill perch instead. As an avid fan of the floor yourself, apparently, you were once again plopped on the ground in front of the sofa. Only this time, you weren’t drowning in the depths of your past.  

“Looks like the snow piled up high last night, so we might not be able to use the cars,” Namjoon observed after his long fingers created a tiny crack in the curtains. His argyle sweater blended in with the burgundy fabric and the sight put a small smile on your face. 

The action surprised you since you spent the whole night swathed in a blanket of regret, your arms caging your ribs in an attempt to stopper your bleeding heart. If only you were so bold as to allow a confession to fall from your lips. Three words to solve two peoples’ problems.  

But the risk involved was too high. The hurt following an unrequited love confession would haunt you through every sunrise and sunset. 

Jungkook’s exasperated voice sliced through your thoughts. “What are we gonna do then?” You glanced at him right as he threw himself onto Seokjin’s bed, bouncing the other two occupants  like buoys amongst waves. 

“What we can do: stay in,” Yoongi responded while repositioning himself against the headboard. 

Taehyung’s sigh mingled with Rin’s tsking noise, Jungkook’s deeper groan almost in harmony with the both of them. Their melancholic concerto almost pulled a laugh out of you, but the next suggestion came from Hoseok, “I brought some board games we could play. Cards, too.” 

Seokjin quickly shot him a look. “You don’t play board games. Or games. Or cards. Actually, what do you do?” 

“I look after all of you.” Hoseok’s head always bobbed when he spoke to accentuate his points. “Hence why I brought board games and cards just in case!” 

You couldn’t refute the man’s claims, either. Hoseok always made sure everyone packed what they needed before trips but brought extra stuff in the event that the group needed something else. Helping was just part of his nature. Yesterday was one example. Rin got the snacks last night, but you were sure he would have woken up at any point in time to be your comfort food delivery man. If being a leader were a sport, Hoseok would be the dark horse that you never saw coming until they finished first. Then you couldn’t deny their talent and skill. 

Taehyung didn’t let the dark horse live, though. “Thanks, hyung. Did you pack a snowblower, too?” 

Rin’s laugh could always be heard amongst your friends, but not because she was a girl. Hers was just so distinct and heartwarming, like a cozy throw or the thought of cookies in the oven. It was only slightly better than Jimin’s. 

Speaking of which: Jimin was eerily quiet throughout the whole meeting, his gaze lingering on you more than once. You noticed it ever since you burst into Seokjin’s room and lauded the man’s scholastic advancement. Which couldn’t be helped. No matter how painful last night’s conversation was, you still wanted him to know how proud you were. After all, a person could be sporting a dagger through their heart but still have love to give.  

You didn’t know why Jimin was acting strange. The big secret was unveiled but you would come to terms with it. Was he afraid of how you would be feeling? Or was he just sympathizing with you because he assumed you weren’t exactly fine? Talking to him later to iron things out was going to be essential. The multiple glances he threw your way proved too much.  

“I have a pamphlet we can look through,” you responded, waving it in the air like a white flag. The decision to bring it just in case proved to be the right one, even if Rin threw a small fit from having to fumble through her bag for the room key again. Warmth from the thick hoodie swallowing both your body and your bent legs validated the first time you went back into your room. 

Rin stuck her tongue out at you but smiled right after in her best Sour Patch Kid impression. Cute. You breathily laughed before unfolding the flimsy paper. Shifting your eyes along the colorful pages, you started listing out the lodge activities. “Okay, so we have… Kayaking: no. Lake yoga: no. Mountain biking: no…” 

Even though the lodge boasted a huge amount of things to do, the majority of them required there to not be four billion inches of snow outside. Only a few remained, and majority rules determined ski slopes the winner. 

The only issue with the slopes was that they only allowed groups of three at a time. To remedy this, groups were formed and a rotation was set based on a heated tournament of rock-paper-scissors. And while Hoseok didn’t play board games, cards, or even video games, he seemed to be a pro at that. 

He picked Seokjin and Yoongi for his group, and they were going out first, to the eldest’s horror. You saw his anxiousness coming from miles out - tackling snow with one board was much more up his alley than tackling it with two. 

Next, Jungkook chose Namjoon and Jimin since he wanted to somehow “win” on the slopes. They gave him much grief for that. 

And that left you with Rin and Taehyung, but they wanted to check out the spa area first, so your group was going to catch up later. 

Which wasn’t ideal for you. You wanted to watch Seokjin ski. Or really, you just wanted to see him as much as possible before the trip ended. Seok in his presence, like he said. Maybe being pruny in this case was a beautiful thing. 

Room Service knocking on the door interrupted your thoughts, and Jimin let them in to serve the breakfast Seokjin ordered for everyone prior. While the dishes were distributed, the group was already firing bets and insults and digs at each other as if a clear winner would emerge outside. And you welcomed every bit of their energy. Chewing on food while basking in everyone’s competitive nature was enough of a distraction from your woes. At least, until you caught Jimin deep in thought again.

The spa was decent, so you three ended up staying for almost an hour. Both the sauna and facial massage served to ease the thick layer of tenseness under your skin. If only you could transport yourself into a cloud of steam every time you thought about Seokjin. Maybe that would’ve helped with the anxiousness and guilt you felt every time you thought about confessing. 

And you were grateful for Taehyung tagging along because he really did offer free hugs often. Even while Rin scanned over the receipt for everything you guys did, the man slung a lean arm around your shoulders. 

His voice glided over your hair when he leaned in to ask, “How did it go last night?” 

You sighed before responding, debating on how to answer him. You decided to take the easy route. “Good. Better than I expected. I just can’t believe it took him that long to tell me! I was so worried this whole time.” 

Taehyung squeezed you gently. “Finally. We kept telling him to just admit it already.” 

Rin was in the middle of paying when you smiled. Her hair gleamed in the incandescents, and you reached out to touch it as you admitted, “It’s just weird that he wanted to hide that from me.” 

“Well, you’re his ex, so he thought it would’ve been awkward.” 

A laugh shot out of you, and Taehyung gave you a look. “Seokjin’s so strange. He knows I’ve been rooting for him this whole time. I mean, Harvard? That’s incredible.” 

Normally, friends would converse about achievements and be sincerely happy about them. But something else happened in that moment that set alarm bells off in your head. Whether it was Rin becoming a block of ice in front of you, or Taehyung slowly peeling his arm off of your shoulders, you suddenly got a feeling that something wasn’t right.  

When Rin spun around to face you, the expression painted on her face reminded you of those Renaissance pieces you saw during one museum date with your ex. Her eyebrows artfully scrunched; her full lips twisted. Was she on the side of the angels, battling demons? Going to war? 

No, she was just trying to clarify something. “He didn’t say anything else?” 

You gulped. “I mean, yeah?”

“What did he say?” Taehyung furrowed his dark brows, his own face a work of art in itself. 

“That his parents are making him move back to Korea when he’s done with his doctorate,” you revealed, suspicious of the both of them and Seokjin now. You kept your tone level to hide any emotions under the surface. “Why, is there more?” 

Once again, you were swept under the wave of confusion. The waters there were dark and cold, and you felt like you couldn’t swim to safety this time. It was as if cotton clogged your ears and a thin film coated your vision. You didn’t even register Taehyung furiously typing on his phone while Rin led you all out of the spa’s reception area. 

“Do you want there to be more,” was all she offered before sitting you down on an earthly toned loveseat. The fluffy rug under your shoes snagged most of your attention. 

“I don’t know how to answer that, but I guess not,” you finally grunted, feeling angrier and angrier from being left in the dark again. Comparable to a disease, this dangerous feeling was taking over you, trickling into your veins drop by black drop. “Honestly, I kinda just want to go back to the room until we meet for dinner. Whatever you guys are hiding is starting to piss me off.” 

“Let’s go,” Rin agreed, urging you to get up and follow her to the room. But you shook her off. 

“I’ll go by myself.” Buzzing with anger, you shuffled through your bag to grip your key. “Just let me be alone for a bit.”

Taehyung looked absolutely livid, but he nodded along with Rin. You didn’t watch the two of them share a knowing glance as you drug your crumpling form to the stairs, hoping pieces of you didn’t crumble off before you reached your temporary bed.  

From the moment your tired bones hit your comforter, time traveled at a strange pace. You didn’t know how long you spent lying prone on the sheets, your head lolled towards the window. Watching the light snowfall outside did nothing to bring you out of your dark space. 

Being left out, confused, and feeling betrayed left you mentally drained. How long were you going to feel like this? Like you were just going to keep being lied to? Maybe you weren’t outwardly lied to, but omitting something was still considered a lie. The truth was still held captive and you couldn’t even pay it a visit. 

Rin and Taehyung reacted strongly to what you said. That had to mean whatever else Seokjin was supposed to say to you was big. You weren’t stupid. At least, that’s what you concluded. 

But what if you were this time? 

You loathed this feeling. You hated being looked at with pity. Even Rin knew what was left unsaid this time, so you were truly alone in the dark. 

A dark monster within you rose to life, and you ripped yourself from the sheets. Snatching your coat from the couch, you jerked your arms inside, striding toward your door with purpose. A ball of fury, you were determined to march up the slopes and confront Seokjin. Everything was getting ridiculous. 

Tugging the door open, you flinched at the figure waiting on the other side. A brief moment of silence and bewilderment and worry washed over you, quelling a small part of your harbored anger. “What happened to you?” 

Seokjin stood in front of you wrapped in his puffy coat, hair in disarray and a small gash on his cheek. His nose was red with the cold and a small cut, and his eyes looked as if he had been holding back tears. Tears? Was he crying? Even now, it seemed like a few were threatening to fall as his gaze lowered. A ghost of a voice wafted from his mouth as he replied, “Jimin.” 

You winced. Remembering the glances the younger man gave you this morning, you should have seen a conflict brewing. Your friend wasn’t lying when he said he’d give Seokjin hell. Something must have broken out when they were on the slopes, or anytime you weren’t there with them. “Shit. I’m sorry.” 

If you didn’t have that revelation with Rin and Taehyung, you would have been absolutely thrown by Seokjin’s appearance and the cause of it. But it seemed that both groups found out what he told you last night and neither were pleased with the result. What that result was, you couldn’t determine yet. But based on your own categories, “I got into Harvard” and “I’m moving back to Korea” fit in the Should Know box. The Deserved to Know box was still accepting applications. 

“Come in.” Your fury had to simmer on a proverbial stove for the time being. “I have a first aid kit in my bag.” 

You hurried him into the room before making a beeline for your duffle. The adrenaline built while you were fired up was still thrumming your bones like guitar strings. Nothing more was said as your bag crinkled with your rummaging, even though you wanted to just wring answers from his neck already. 

But you couldn’t. You needed a moment to collect your thoughts, both the past woes you were fighting and your current worries. 

As Jin awkwardly stood in front of your bed, you kept pondering. What the hell happened out there? How did it end up in a physical altercation? Did Jin fight back? It was already obvious Jimin initiated it, but you wondered if he sported any bruises, too. Not from Seokjin, though. Because you couldn’t ever see him throwing a punch. You were more curious about someone like Yoongi. The elder one was incredibly protective of Jin.

When you found the kit, you spun around to start tending to your ex’s face. “Bed,” you ordered, pointing towards yours with the first aid box. Your tone was harsh, but you weren’t holding it back.

The man was silent as he delicately sat on the comforter, and you instantly noticed how he refused to look at you still. 

No matter. Treating his cuts was a priority, but that didn’t mean you weren’t going to force him into confrontation right after. Seokjin wasn’t going to have a choice. 

Perching yourself next to him, you propped one leg up to steady yourself, clicking open the small kit next to you. It wasn’t as fancy as the one he carried along, but it housed the basics. Fetching some antiseptic and cotton first, you told him to turn towards you so that you could start. 

And despite your anger, your exasperation, your frustration, the hands you lifted to Seokjin’s face were nothing but calm. 

Throughout the time you dusted his cuts, you kept your gaze on his cheek, his mouth, his nose. A wall erected around you that you refused to take down. After all of the hurt Seokjin had caused, the turmoil he had put you through, it was pertinent you wouldn’t let him in. You had your soldiers’ arrows at the ready, directed right at his wounded face. 

But if you so much as flitted your gaze toward his eyes, your walls would crumble to dust. Your gates would slam open in surrender. 

Because having him this close to you after all this time was like coming home. And you harbored that feeling ever since the scent of his cologne consumed you. Your face hovered inches from his, your fingers gently pressing his features. All of the nights you yearned to be this close were so lonely and cold, and his warmth was tugging your heart by multiple strings. 

His looming absence was hitting you deeply then. If you gave in only to lose him again, the pain would surely hollow out your soul until you were a mere shell of yourself. You wanted nothing more than to sink into the mattress and slip down into the soil underneath the lodge. 

Suddenly, a hand cradled your cheek, and you shook on impact. Without thinking, you locked eyes with Jin, and it was then that you realized he was wiping hot tears from your face. 

“If I’m the reason for these,” he whispered, “I’m sorry.” 

Something strangled escaped you, and you finally caved. “You are,” you exhaled, unable to stop the tears from falling. “You really are.”

You tore yourself from the bed, instantly feeling the lingering warmth of his fingers fade. A chasm was created between you two: your chest heaving on one side and his face crumbling on the other. The mountain of thoughts and feelings you created broke down under pressure, emotions roaring down its slopes in a cathartic avalanche. “I’ve been looking like a fool this whole trip, and apparently everyone is feeling so fucking sorry for me. Why can’t you just tell me everything? What did Yoongi mean? What do I deserve to know? You told me you got into Harvard and have the audacity to say you aren’t happy? What the hell is that about? We’re supposed to be friends, so why am I feeling like you’re letting that all go?” You choked on your tears and clasped a hand over your mouth, a burn blossoming in your chest from the dry sobs. 

Seokjin’s eyes ringed with a burgeoning shade of pink, both of his pupils glossed in guilt. “I’m not… I’m not letting that go, but--”

“But what, Seokjin,” you gritted out, “Please stop and just tell me already.” 

“But I was too scared,” he admitted, “I’m still scared.” 

“Why are you scared?” The question drifted to his face, and you could tell he was struggling to answer even that one. It pained you to be this close yet so far from the answer.

“Why are you scared, Seokjin,” you whispered again, realizing that his hands were shaking. 

“Because…” You watched as he clenched them on his thighs, and he struggled to get the words out. “Because it’s going to happen again.” 

Enough with the obscurity. Frustration reached a boiling point. “What’s going to happen again?” 

“Exactly what happened last time!” Seokjin declared as his eyes pleaded with you, eyebrows furrowed and kneeling in anguish. The skin encasing his watery eyes remained that same dusty shade of affliction. 

You couldn’t for the life of you understand what he was saying, until you remembered last night. When you asked him about the time he loved before. 

Wait.

Your hand made a slow descent from your face as you matched Seokjin’s stare. A million words skittered across your eyes, transforming into liquid and sliding down your skin. You were sure you looked an absolute wreck with your tear-stained cheeks and reddened nose, but that didn’t concern you at all. The only thing you could hang onto was Jin’s words, just short of a confession. 

But you had to be sure. You weren’t settling for five words that could mean a thousand other things while arranged the same way. “The one from before,” you more stated than questioned, “Where is she now.” 

Seokjin never broke his gaze, doing an incredible job of keeping tears at the edges of his eyes. Heavy breaths caused his chest to swell with each pass. Voice low, he finally, finally caved, “She’s the one on the polaroid I have in my room.” 

The entire conversation from last night struck you like a freight train. So many realizations hit you at once and you didn’t know how your trembling legs were keeping you upright. 

It was you. He was talking about you. 

Your coat smothered your limbs like a cage, your whole being rattling inside like an animal starved. 

That was what he was truly hiding from you. That was what he had buried deep down into his chest. And you couldn’t blame him one bit after you realized it was exactly what you were holding from him, too. 

No matter the reason, you still kept your own truth hidden. It occurred to you then that you couldn’t be angry - that would just be hypocrisy. There was bravery in confession, and even more so to someone you no longer were allowed to feel that way about. 

You were the one that forced the truth out of Seokjin, and now you only felt like a coward. 

Movement in front of you snapped your vision back into focus. He was getting up to leave. Why was he leaving? 

“I knew this would happen,” he said, his voice strained. “I’ll go. I’m sorry I made you uncomfortable.” 

Oh. He assumed your silence was from guilt. Guilt that you didn’t feel the same. And he was about to walk out with that egregious misconception. What an absolute fool.

But no matter how hard you tried, the words wouldn’t budge from the back of your teeth. 

You had two choices here. One, you told him. You laid everything out and you admitted that you felt the same. Then tomorrow, he would leave your life and you may not see him again for years. And you tried this before - being in two separate schools and living different lives while holding onto your relationship. It obviously didn’t work last time, and you still saw him from time to time. This situation would be a thousand times harder. 

Which brought you to the second option: you let him go. You let him leave without telling him how you felt. Rip the bandage off right there and then. Leave him to pursue his dream, and with that the freedom to go and find someone else to love. Was that what you wanted? Was this your own sick version of loving him? All the villains in the universe would applaud you as you lied to his face while telling him not to give up. How fucking cruel would that be?

“Seokjin,” you called out, and your chest subtly heaved when he turned to stone by the door. His broad back remained still as you took a step towards him, and only after you roamed your eyes over his shoulders did you notice small movements. But he didn’t face you. It was almost as if he didn’t want to.

Agony consumed your entire being as you made your decision. 

You shut your eyes, clenched your jittering fingers into hard fists. 

“See you at the campfire,” you whispered, your voice unfamiliar even to yourself. 

The only response you got was the soft opening and closing of your door.

Compared to last night’s lion of a snow storm, tonight was but a mere cub. There were small flakes here and there taking their time to descend, and the fixtures from inside the lodge were the only light source beside the fire pit you were approaching downstairs. 

Situated in the center of your friends, the flames danced across their jovial smiles as they passed bottles around. The drinks weren’t the lodge’s, but the ones you all brought and snuck out of the rooms - the telltale green glass was enough of a hint. 

After Seokjin left, it took you a couple minutes to let everything out, and about thirty minutes crying into Rin’s shoulder once she witnessed your crumpled form on the floor. She listened to your recap of the conversation and Jin’s final secret, and through broken sobs you told her you couldn’t tell him yours. When she asked why, you told her your reasoning. When she called you an idiot, you wholeheartedly agreed and cried even harder. 

But you still stuck with your decision. It was for the best. You loved him so much that you wanted what was best for him, and that was to let you go. 

“Promise me one thing,” Rin murmured, earning a nod from you. “Only go through with it if you know you won’t regret it.” 

A sharp pain sliced through you then, but you acquiesced. “I won’t.” 

She then grabbed your Polaroid from the bed. It was Namjoon’s idea to bring it to the campfire once he heard you brought it on the trip. “Are you okay with this?” 

“Yeah,” you gulped, regarding the old piece of the past with heavy eyes. Seokjin confessed to you with the help of that camera. You weren’t okay with the mere idea of touching it. “Yeah, it’s fine. I want everyone to enjoy themselves tonight, so. Yes.” 

Even if that meant you suffered. This was Seokjin’s last trip with everyone, not just you. Why keep them from making good memories just because you were a walking dark cloud?

You reached the bottom of the rickety stairs, the squeaky noises catching the attention of the boys. Most of them raised their bottles to you, but you caught Jin staring at the fire instead. 

If you got through this night in one piece, it would be a miracle.

Namjoon stood as you and Rin settled into your seats. “Okay. Since we’re all here now, I say we start.” 

As everyone gave their cheers, the eldest just looked confused. “Start what?”

“Something for you,” Yoongi explained, his body already comfortable in his Adirondack. “Since you aren’t joining us for these anymore.”

“Ah, yah,” Seokjin protested, “You don’t need to do anything—”

“Don’t lie, you already love this,” Jimin cut in, all smiles despite the companion bruises and cuts on his face to Jin’s. “Although, your opinion may change in a second.”

Jungkook paused his leg bouncing to shout, “Let hyung explain!” 

You smiled as the group settled, but noticed that Jimin was looking at you strangely. You didn’t have time to process it, though, since Namjoon headed things off while a bottle rested against his chest, “Jin-hyung. We just want you to know that we’re proud of you. Even though we may not see you for awhile, you’ll be in our hearts and on our minds. Starting tomorrow, you’re already Dr. Kim to us, so I say we all call you by name tonight.”

Laughter and claps filled the air, drowning out Seokjin’s weak protests. 

Namjoon cleared his throat to calm the air, and you watched small flakes catch in his hair as he continued, “We’ll each do two things: give you advice, and ask for advice. Since you’re clearly educated, we figured you’d have a lot to say.”

“Oh, I’m just lucky.” 

“And keep sharp, everyone. Miss Photographer over there will be taking pictures.” Namjoon nodded at you, and you gave a short smile while holding up the Polaroid. You were fine doing this; behind the lens was your safe space. 

The boys and Rin slowly got through their questions and advice, and you were shocked by how insightful Seokjin was being. You never truly realized the magnitude of his intelligence. Every person around the campfire hung on his every word, and it didn’t help that you all took a swig after every good point he made - many, many times. You diligently fired away on your camera, making sure to get Seokjin with everyone so they could all have a moment captured with him. 

When Jimin’s turn came, he shot you a glance before looking at your ex. “Jin. That sounds weird to say. Jin-hyung.” He looked at the ground before continuing, and you knew it was to compose himself. “My advice to you… Sorry,” he buried his head in his elbow for a brief moment. Yoongi looked away. 

“I kinda gave you advice already,” Jimin trudged on, “And you took it. So, my next piece of advice would be to, uh, keep going.” 

You were rooted to your chair. Seokjin didn’t spare you a single glance during that exchange, but you knew it was about you. It had to be how he ended up at your door earlier. He even said Jimin was the one responsible for his wounds. 

“Thank you, Jimin,” Jin replied. “As for my advice to you, it’s okay to let people figure things out on their own. You don’t have to put it on yourself to be the one that keeps people together. If something ends up breaking, you’re going to think it’s your fault.” 

Jimin regarded him with watery eyes before nodding and wiping his freezing tears. And when he looked your way, he saw you only looking at Seokjin. Your face was slowly cracking, and the shadows in your facade were exacerbated by the flames. 

It was your turn; everyone else went. The Polaroid felt like a boulder on your thighs.

You blinked before setting the camera down and clutching your bottle. Since Seokjin was on the other side of the fire, you had to stand to see him, your tenseness on full display. 

What could you possibly say in that moment that he wanted to hear? That he was willing to listen to? You were certain you took his heart and slammed it into the ground earlier. It would be better if you just didn’t say anything. 

“Seokjin,” you started, pausing to collect yourself. “My advice to you is to forget the advice I gave you before.” 

Several pairs of eyes looked at you then. Even Jin finally regarded you, the most aware of what you were referring to.

“What I’m trying to say is: it’s okay to give up sometimes, because not everything that you want to happen is going to happen. There will be times you will just have to let things go. And that’s okay. Because maybe letting things go would end up for the best.” 

Jimin’s eyes bore into your soul. He sat so still that it put all the statues throughout history to shame. 

Seokjin grabbed his bottle with both hands, elbows resting on his knees. “Interesting advice.” His eyes danced as they took in the warm flames. “I might even follow it.” 

Both of your lungs threatened to give out at his words. Your hands almost dropped the glass you were barely clinging to, but you never looked away from Jin. It was as if your attention was chained to his body, your soul weighed down by his earlier confession and now his possible break. 

If he followed your advice, shouldn’t you be happy? It’s what you wanted in the end, right? You would let him go, and he wouldn’t look back. 

Snow drifted onto everyone’s chairs and the fire crackled in front of you. A small breath left you in a wisp of white. Warmth did its best to help you, but the cold was too strong. No amount of fire in the world could melt your icy conscience - you truly left Seokjin in the dark. He practically admitted that he loved you, and in return you gave him nothing. Of course he would consider your advice.  

“But I like the sound of not giving up. It has a ring to it that exists beyond the sound it makes when someone says it,” he cut himself off, the silence deafening. Inside, bells rang in your head. What was he implying? Seokjin’s voice was as clear as blue skies when he continued, “So, I guess I’m stealing your advice and giving it to everyone here.” 

Your gaze shifted to the side as everyone turned towards Seokjin. This was something you weren’t prepared to digest. Settling back down into your chair, you tried to even out your breathing and neutralize your shaking fingers. 

Your feelings were warring with each other in a confusing battle. If you wanted him to follow your advice, why were you relieved when he said he liked not giving up? Did that mean you hoped he still waited for you? Years and years and years from now? 

“Take it from me: don’t give up,” he advised. “But what I mean by that is to not give up until you’re happy.” 

Guilt squeezed your eyes shut, clamping your lids down. He was going to wait. Love was the one thing he wanted to be happy. And you held your love for him tightly in your hands, behind your back and hidden from sight. 

But even still, in the midst of your silent rejection, this man wasn’t letting go. Without saying the words, Seokjin was going to wait for you. Because he still loved you. 

This was too hard. 

“To being happy,” Jimin boisterously cheered, startling everyone and causing your bones to rattle. His glass remained high in the air, and everyone joined in with their own proclamations. 

“To being happy,” you whispered alongside the others, quickly taking a swig.

Yoongi was the next one to pipe up as he declared, “Okay, now that all that’s done, let’s just drink for fuck’s sake.” 

Amongst the laughter and “thank god”s thrown about, you quickly downed the rest of your drink like it was your lifeline. You needed more than liquid courage to get through the rest of the night. The camera by your feet was snatched up by Jungkook before Taehyung could get to it, and you prayed to every higher power that they kept it in one piece. 

As everyone made their way back to their rooms, you noticed Seokjin joking and laughing with the others like normal. It was a continuation of the rest of the night, since after the advice conversation it was nothing but fun. Your Polaroid almost ran out of film, for one, but watching everyone fight over the photos was entertainment in itself. There were digs toward Jin until he turned red, jabs thrown at Jimin’s fragile emotional state, and Rin’s warm laughter coating everything in a soft glow. 

And it was a bittersweet event. There was nothing more you wanted than to capture that moment and place it in a snowglobe. The world wouldn’t interfere with your friends, and none of you would ever leave. 

Seokjin was about to head up the stairs to tuck in for the night. Full of soju and stupidity, you blurted, “Leaving already?” 

He stilled before turning toward you. “Oh. Yeah.” He regarded you with a look you couldn’t completely decipher. “Long day tomorrow.” 

“Right,” you replied, hating the sudden hollowness you felt. Or didn’t feel. 

“Well… Good night.” Seokjin tapped the banister twice before heading up, and you softly wished him good night before speedwalking to your room. You were only tipsy, so the fast trip didn’t bother you. The camera in your hands kept your center balanced the whole way back.

By some strange miracle, you kept it together the whole time after everyone’s campfire speeches. You imagined yourself as an ice sculpture, surrounded by the guests of honor. Everyone gave you a glance and thought nothing else of you. They could only see composure and poise. Only when they got closer could they see you slowly melting, rivulets of remorse cascading down your entire frame.

Rin was in the middle of her skincare routine when you entered your room. As soon as she heard your footsteps, she made a noise indicating she had something to say. The product around her mouth didn’t let her yet, though. Which meant you had to wait. 

You stood in the doorframe of the bathroom, vision spinning just a smidge. This was probably a talk you didn’t want to have, but you gave your friend her podium. It was only fair. Her serious talks were few and far between. 

But she didn’t have much to say when she finished getting ready for bed. In fact, she only said three sentences. 

“It’s 11 o’clock,” she stated plainly, her tone indicating she was done with the calmer approach. Bluntness was more her style. 

“Okay?” 

“We leave at 7 in the morning.” 

“And?” 

“It means you have eight hours to decide how you’re going to feel for the next ten years.” 

Silence. 

All you could respond with was silence. 

Dead air. Sober. You were sober now. In that moment, you may have held your breath for a century. Too many thoughts flooded your brain, from past memories at a carnival to future images of an empty apartment with a bed fit for one. 

It was stark. Blank. There wasn’t going to be a future with Seokjin, no matter what you said. 

But when Rin put it that way, would you feel better if he knew the truth? Or would you keep this idiotic stance and lock your feelings away forever? 

For the third time that night, your fingers rattled. Rin took them into her comforting palms. 

“Go,” she murmured, and she smiled as she witnessed you burst into the hall. 

Your strides were incredibly long as you hurried down the corridor. The doors blurred on either side of your vision, the pattern of the floor elongated with your fast pace. Your camera thudded into your chest over and over. Step after step after step got faster and faster as your anxiousness bubbled into your brain. The last turn before the stairs made you skid, and you rushed up the rickety steps. Your heart was thrumming, scratching at your chest to set it free. 

When you got to his door, you were certain you woke sleeping neighbors with your rapid knocking. But you couldn’t stop yourself. Nothing could possibly stop you now.

You had no plan. There wasn’t time to think. All you wanted was to see him. All you could think about was letting everything out. Eight hours. You had eight hours.

Seokjin tugged the door open, pausing mid-swing when he saw your face. He looked so beautiful. Full of warmth. Like home.

“Jinnie.” 

You didn’t mean to call him that, but you didn’t take it back. You weren’t taking anything back anymore. His eyes roamed over your features multiple times, searching for any indication that this was a dream. But it wasn’t. The words finally slipped from your lips. 

“I’m not following your advice. Or my own.” 

His eyebrows furrowed, but you pushed on. 

“I’m giving up. But I’m giving up because I can’t let you go.” When Seokjin stared at you, it was impossible to look away. 

His response came out in a rush, “What are you… what are you saying?”

“I’m saying I love you.” You huffed out a breath you didn’t know you were holding. “Damn it, I— I just love you. I love you so much it hurts.” 

A shaky exhale left you at the look on his face. The quick descent into realization formed in the corners of his eyes, tears pooled at the edges before quickly streaming down his cheeks, collecting at the crux of his chin. Glassy orbs bore straight into your soul in search of answers, of truth. And if he wanted those answers, you already admitted the biggest one, so words were easier to come by.

“I’ve felt this way ever since our trip last year,” you started, slowly inching toward the wreck of a man. Not like you fared any better with the streaks forming on your own cheeks. “And I know it’s the stupidest thing to tell you now since you’re leaving, and we failed at long distance before, but--” 

Seokjin breathed out your name, and his next words would stay imprinted in your mind forever. “I still want to try. And I’ll try as many times as you’ll let me.” 

“I know. I know that now,” you whispered. 

Passion and warmth bloomed in your chest, spiraling out into the far reaches of your limbs. Hundreds of nights imagining him accepting you again didn’t prepare you for this feeling. Nothing was holding you back; your walls came crashing down. 

You finally broke and shielded your face in your hands, and you felt sturdy arms shield you from the world. The cruel, beautiful world that brought you two together right before he disappeared from your life again. You cried, and sobbed, and wheezed. The elation from his confession only magnified the pain of his departure. 

You felt the weight of the Polaroid leave your chest as Seokjin lifted it from your neck. “Come inside,” Seokjin whispered into your hair, earning a hiccup from your chest. “Please.” 

It was only then that you noticed you were still out in the hall. A small nod from you was all he needed to guide you into his room, and your throat constricted at the bags lying open on the bed. 

Seokjin was already packing. Packing while thinking he was going to go through the same thing he went through last time. You felt absolutely sick. How could you even think of doing this to him? If there was a way to make it all up to him, you would do it. “I didn’t want to tell you before,” you confessed, burying your nose into his chest. “But that was wrong of me. You almost left without knowing. I’m so sorry.” 

Strong, lean fingers traveled through your hair as your camera was placed on a table. The heavy clunk it made reached your ears, and a whisper followed. “I didn’t want to tell you, either. You don’t need to apologize.” 

“If I told you earlier, we would’ve had more time. Now I’m just sad.”  

“Look at me.” Jin caressed the back of your head, naturally lifting your gaze. His watery eyes took yours in, and he leaned forward to kiss the top of your hair. “We still have tonight, so if we’re going to be sad, let’s wait until after.” 

“But you’re crying, too,” you observed, feeling slightly better from his words. How Seokjin was able to have that effect on you, you would never understand. 

A light huff from him made you melt. “That’s because I’m so happy,” he confessed, softly laughing again and wiping his eyes with both hands. 

He was happy. Seokjin was happy. You looked at the growing smile under his fingers, and you had no choice but to grin and join in his laughter. 

Not because it was funny. But because it was unbelievable. You were able to gift him the last piece he was missing - he was finally able to find that happiness. How were you about to deny that from him? Now it seemed unfathomable.

When you looked at his hands again, you noticed there were lingering cuts. Worry washing over you, you cradled one in your palms and asked as Seokjin looked at you, “Should I take care of this, too?” Though the man had more than enough knowledge on playground injury care, you still offered because you wanted to be there for him in any possible way.

He replied instantly, “I took care of everything. Jimin, too. You saw him being his usual self earlier.” 

“He said he’d give you hell if you didn’t talk to me on this trip. I didn’t think he would go this far, though.” You reached up to run a thumb along the small gash on Seokjin’s cheek, the blood drying into a deep red. “I’ll make him regret it later.” 

Jin leaned into your touch, causing sparks in your skin. “Don’t,” he whispered, “He’s the reason I ended up at your door.” 

You just nodded and lost yourself in the feel of his soft face. It was incredibly smooth under your fingers, even better than when you held his cheeks all those years ago. To think that this man loved you ever since then, and continued to do so until now, was unbelievable. But it was true, and no amount of words could account for how you felt about that. 

Those eyes overflowing with adoration and affection were solely for you, and diving into them felt like being immersed in sunlit waters. 

“Can I kiss you?” 

The simple question took you by surprise, but you gazed at his lips. They only looked inviting, so who were you to deny him? “Please,” you sighed, and your eyelids closed shut at his pillowy touch. 

Color sprang from your heart at his confession, but heat burst from your chest at his kiss. The moment his lips met yours, every worry wrapped around your conscience snapped in two. Vines of doubt, regret, and anxiety withered under the warmth of Seokjin’s touch. It was cleansing. Powerful. Searing. 

A hand captured the back of your neck, and Jin took advantage of your gasp by dragging his tongue around the edge of your lips, a wordless plea to let him in. You gave in immediately, leaning forward and deepening the kiss, roping his tongue and eliciting a groan. 

Heat rushed between your legs and you echoed his sound with a soft moan of your own. Unwittingly, your hands found their way to Seokjin’s chest and you reveled in the feel of him under the thin material of his shirt. Without breaking your lips from his, you skirted the cotton hem with your fingers.  

Jin knew what you wanted, and his grin against your mouth only made you flush with desire. He broke from your lips to fully remove his shirt, and seeing his bare chest wiped the air from your lungs. You could only stare as you took in the lines of his solid build, wondering how the hell he had the time to achieve that look. 

Seokjin smirked at your reaction, tossing his top and hauling the bags off his bed while you were taking time to process everything. “Do I need to charge you?” 

You shook your empty head like a zombie. Your brain was currently mush, purely focused on the way his muscles rippled and slid against the confines of his skin. “No, don’t. I didn’t bring any money with me.” 

Laughter erupted from the other side of the bed. After Seokjin placed the last bag on the floor, he straightened and clarified, “I meant plug you in. You seem to be buffering over there. Low battery?”

“Shut up and get on the bed,” you teased, shrugging off the coat you still had on. You didn’t even get to change since coming in from the campfire. 

“Shut up and get on the bed, yes,” Seokjin fired back mercilessly as he sat on the comforter. He knew exactly how to push you. Even though you laughed, you made you way over to him and stood between his legs. 

You were silent then. No matter how happy you were, his departure tomorrow was weighing on you. The time you had with him was short. 

You wanted to make the most of it. Bringing your hand up to his face, you made sure to lightly skim over his gashes before mapping the rest. You wanted to ingrain every curve, every dip, every feature into memory. Every second was precious. The polaroid you had of him would still be no match for the real thing. If only you could capture the warmth of someone and keep it frozen in time.

Sure fingers clasped your hand, and Seokjin softly pulled you closer. Your first instinct was to rush in and hug him for dear life, and he immediately did the same to you, snatching the breath from your lungs and tugging tears from your ducts. You buried your face into his neck, inhaling his familiar scent and lamenting all the time you spent worrying over the smallest things. 

“We don’t have a lot of time,” Seokjin whispered, squeezing your heart. 

“I know,” you choked. You didn’t have much else to say.

“I just want to make sure we use it to do what you want.” 

You loosened your hold on him, astonished by his consideration. The growing bulge under his pants was more than screaming his wants. You felt it ever since the first kiss. But even still, he wanted to accommodate you. Your needs before his. 

It just made you fall for him even more. 

Reaching down to skim your fingers along his cock straining against his pants, you hovered your lips over his neck. “I want you,” you whispered before descending upon the smooth expanse of skin and earning a groan. 

Without warning, Seokjin tightened his arms around you. In one smooth motion, he effortlessly lifted you to straddle his thighs. You didn’t have time to think as he followed up with grabbing your head, pulling you down for another heated kiss. Your fingers latched onto his shoulders, scraping them when he thrust his tongue into your mouth. 

“Don’t do that yet,” he grunted, and you didn’t need to ask why after feeling a twitch in his jeans. 

You obeyed for the time being, cupping his neck with both hands. When you rolled your body against his, the hard feel of his stomach made you whimper. It was when you settled back on his hardness that your eyes widened. You were sure he was aching despite his silence. Maybe you could help him out a bit. “Jinnie,” you whispered, a firm hand on his chest, “Lie back for me.” 

“I love hearing that again,” Seokjin admitted through a content smile, starting a fire across your cheeks. He leaned back after giving you another peck, and you plucked yourself from his thighs to take your shoes off. 

But time was your biggest motivator to strip most of your clothes at that moment - not just your boots. Your pants were first, followed by your sweater, and finally your shirt. The whole time, Seokjin stayed propped on his elbows, watching you intently. He couldn’t hide the adoration in his eyes even if he tried. As he watched you stand there in nothing but your set, he smiled. “You’re beautiful.” 

“Thank you,” you whispered in return. “Still not as great as you, though.” You started unbuttoning his jeans before he could defend his stance, and he lifted his lower body to help you shrug them off with his underwear. When Seokjin’s thick cock sprung free, your heart jumped at the sight. It had been so long since you felt it, tasted it, rode it. Was he thinking the same? Taking his velvety length in your hand for the first time in a long time, you felt a burst of confidence at its familiarity and his response.

“Baby,” he groaned, running a hand through his hair. “Please.” 

You didn’t need another word. At the sound of the familiar pet name, you already started hovering over his cock, admiring how pretty it was before diving in. Licking around the head, you used the slick to glide your mouth far down his shaft, rolling your hand along the bottom to coat the rest. 

Seokjin jolted at the sudden pleasure, and you felt a pang in your heart. You wanted him to remember this night. And you were much more experienced than you were before, though you would only get so much time to prove your growth. 

Coming up for air, you used your hand to gather the rest of your spit and slide it down his cock, rubbing it a few times before diving down again. The stilted, garbled noises coming from your filled mouth were even getting your own underwear soaked, but they weren’t a match for Seokjin’s. His delicious grunts and moans sent you close to the edge. They were deeper than you remembered, and he wasn’t one to shy away from showing you how turned on and pleasured he was feeling.

The prominent veins of his cock were the roads along which your tongue traveled, and you made sure to love them all in between stuffing him fully in your warm mouth. He was so big, but you wanted to take every inch, tears welling in your eyes with your efforts. 

You fought through even when you felt him rock the back of your throat. Seokjin took that moment to sit up, causing tears to leak fully down your cheeks at the deeper thrust. His hands dove into your hair, but he didn’t force your head down. Instead, they tugged you off his cock, and he gazed down lovingly at your wrecked expression. Jin’s voice dipped an octave and came out coated in sin as he asked, “Can you go a little more for me, beautiful?” 

Your body tingled on instinct. You nodded and, when he smiled, you gripped his drenched dick in your fingers before descending your mouth onto his balls. Seokjin bucked his hips forward in a jolt as you grinned, lapping at his salty skin and delighting in the tremulous groans rolling down your back. Your hand squeezed the tip of his shaft before you straightened again, taking his cock captive without pause.

“Shit,” he grunted, his long fingers diving into your hair. His hands still didn’t push you down further, oddly, so you took the initiative and plunged down yourself. 

The feel of his cock in your mouth was so familiar. It was almost second nature how easily you sucked him off, knowing when to hollow your cheeks and pull him further down the abyss of ecstasy. When to sink further and hum, ripping a delicious sound from his throat. Even when to bob and swirl your head around, effectively shutting down his ability to function. 

It was then that you chose to really bring it home. You breathed through your nose as you took more and more of him in, even after you couldn’t breathe anymore. You felt your nose hit this pubic bone, and the long moan you got from Seokjin was worth the burn in your throat. His fingers tightened around your head, but when you came up gasping for air he didn’t stop you. 

“Come here,” is all he said, tugging you up to straddle him again. A trail of saliva swung from your lips as you came up, but you paid it no mind. If anything, it added to the building lust inside your bones. Your panties were absolutely drenched by now, so dragging your core along Seokjin’s cock caused both of you to twinge. “Fuck,” he gasped, fueling your heat. 

“Jinnie, please,” you whimpered, your voice hoarse. You wanted everything from him at once. You were getting impatient, and the overwhelming time pressure was stressing you the hell out. “I need you, please.” 

Suddenly, everything stopped as Seokjin cradled your chin and swiped the spit from your lips. “You have me,” he assured you. “You have all of me.” He kissed your nose. “And you’ll have me for a very long time.” 

Relenting, you leaned into his touch. “Now is what I’m concerned about.” 

“I know,” he agreed before kissing you again. “I just wanted you to know the rest.” 

“Okay,” you whispered before capturing his full lips with your own. When you felt him wrapping his arms around you, your heart leaped into your throat. When you felt him shift the both of you to lower you onto the bed, you already knew fresh tears were waiting behind your eyes. 

With great care, Jin slipped your underwear off your smooth legs. Your bra was deftly unhooked next - not without an eyebrow raise from you and a wink from him - and tossed from the bed. 

Staring at your naked form, Seokjin appeared completely lost in thought. It got to the point where you felt like covering yourself, but when you attempted to he swiftly denied any insecurity. “Don’t keep this from me,” he whispered. “I want to remember everything.” 

You kept it together until then. Something in you broke and you softly choked on a cry. So he was thinking the same as you. This was the last night for a long time. 

Starting from your shoulder, he kissed his way down along your neck, your collarbone, your chest. Taking one breast in one hand, he swirled his tongue around the nipple of the other. You gasped from the sudden burst of pleasure, which made Seokjin repeat the motion on the other side. He then lightly sucked on the nipple, releasing it with a small pop. 

You wanted to close your eyes and lose yourself in the waves of pleasure he was giving you, making his way down your body. But you wanted to relive this night again and again. So you had to keep your eyes on him. Only him. His mouth’s searing heat as it kissed along your stomach, and the stark cold left behind when he moved on. His soft touch as he gently pried your legs open, and dark, lust-filled eyes as he stared at your dripping entrance. You wanted to remember the way he kissed along your legs, nipping in some places to make you gasp. The way his beautiful lips connected with your heat in a reverent kiss before his tongue explored inside. Each flick of his tongue, squeeze of his fingers on your legs, noise from his lips. How you loved him through every second of him worshipping you. 

As soon as he brought his fingers up to caress your folds while sucking on your clit, you had to stop him. It was too much. You wanted to feel him when you broke. 

Seokjin wordlessly obeyed as he crawled above you. You pulled him down for a kiss, not caring how he tasted. Your hands then went to his shoulders as he positioned himself at your entrance. 

“Are you still…” 

“Yes,” you nodded, touched that he remembered. “I’m still on it.” 

“Okay.” He swooped down to capture your lips, and when you clenched your fingers around his shoulders, he grunted. “Are you okay to take it all?” 

“Go slow. For now,” you said, earning a nod. “It’s been awhile.”

Seokjin’s gaze was heavy as he prepared himself. “Same.” 

At the initial push, you whooshed out a gasp. It had been way too long since you’d been with someone. The intrusion indeed hurt. Maybe you should have let him prep you more, in hindsight. But Seokjin was nothing but tender as he waited for you to adjust. Once you were okay, he steadily pushed out and in again, going deeper. Slowly but surely, you were able to fully take him in. 

And the feel of him completely inside you was nothing like you’ve felt before. It was comfort. It was home. It was a perfect fit, and you wanted to stay like that forever. 

“God,” Seokjin groaned, “I don’t want to leave this room.” 

You chuckled, rolling your hips. “Hmm, pussy or Harvard. That’s a pretty tough one.” 

“If it’s yours, Harvard can wait,” Seokjin grunted before sending your thoughts spiraling with a huge thrust. You outright whined at him, but he pulled out only to spear you again with one long motion. “You still like it rough, baby?” 

Chills cascaded down your spine and pooled at the apex of your toes. This was the Seokjin you were waiting for. You wondered if he was still into that after witnessing everything he was doing for you beforehand. But oh, were you ready for the pivot. “Fuck, yes,” you moaned. “You know I do.” 

“You still have your word?” 

“Carousel, yes.” 

“Good girl.” That was all Seokjin needed. Grabbing the top of the headboard behind you, he launched into a rough and relentless pace that had you seeing stars. You felt so full, yet so weightless as you let your body go limp. The feel of Seokjin’s cock slamming into you repeatedly would continue to exist for months after tonight, the ridges of it sliding along your walls never forgotten entirely. You needed as much as he could give, and he knew that. 

Gripping one of your legs, he hauled it over his sweat-slicked shoulder and tilted himself to reach a deeper position, twisting his reddened face to plant kisses on your ankle. Mewl after mewl tumbled from your lips at the deep thrusts. 

“Touch yourself for me, baby,” Jin commanded while still pounding into you, and you wouldn’t dream of disobeying. Your fingers went straight for your jiggling breasts, teasing your nipples and tugging them for his blown out eyes. You moaned, and smirked when you saw Seokjin beginning to lose himself. 

His tell was his scrunched eyebrows, and his eyes shifting down to watch his cock ram into your tight cunt. You still knew, after years. 

You fell into complete ecstasy when he reached down with his free hand to rub your clit between your bodies, loving the way the veins in his arms protruded. Imagining licking along them all made you moan. And you didn’t care if the people around you heard. All of your mewls, moans, whines - they were all for Jin. He could have all of you again and again.  

After one particularly deep thrust, he tugged his cock out, leaving your walls fluttering around an agonizing emptiness. “Turn around. On your knees.” 

“Holy fuck, yes,” you rasped. He wasn’t letting the night go to waste at all. 

Before you even assumed the next position, you felt a hand come down on your ass. The smack jolted you forward in pain, with pleasure settling in its wake. 

“So pretty,” Seokjin whispered, ghosting his hand over the spot he spanked. He gave it another smack before gripping your ass cheeks apart. You assumed he was roving his eyes over your drenched core. “And still so wet.” 

“Just for you,” you affirmed. 

“Just for me,” he repeated before adjusting his knees on the bed to get closer. “But you might be too loud tonight, baby. I’m going to need silence from you this time.” 

Shit. You were never, ever good at this part. But you nodded. What you weren’t expecting right away was the initial stroke to be rough, right down to the hilt. You cried out immediately, earning you a harsh spank. 

Seokjin’s sudden laugh made you chuckle in embarrassment. He breathily joked, “Out of practice?” 

“Something like that,” you admitted, your elbows and grin lost in the sheets. “I’m rusty.” 

“Okay, let’s just do this then.” Jin leaned forward, stretching over you. You groaned at the feel of his solid chest on your soft back, your eyes rolling into your head feeling him completely mold into you for a moment. He got a fluffy pillow from the other side of the bed and let your head rest on it. “Can you bite this for me, my love?” 

The new name spread wildfire across your face. “Yes. That I can do,” you assured him. When you had the material securely in your mouth, you nodded to signal he could continue. 

“Good girl.” And continue Seokjin did. He went right back into the dominant Jin he loved being, and the one you loved being with. There was no mercy in his thrusts, stroke after stroke after stroke. If you lifted your back a little or lowered your butt, he smacked your supple flesh and corrected you instantly. “Ass up, baby.” 

With Jin’s relentless pace, your body went limp and hung on by a thread. Loosening up allowed for even more of his cock, and your muffled moans started getting louder the closer and closer you got to the edge. You could feel your core tightening, threatening to unleash the pent up tension. 

“That’s it, beautiful,” Seokjin praised, feeling your walls squeeze around him. “Do you want to come like this?”

You hastily shook your head. You wanted to see him when you came. And if you remembered correctly, he loved seeing your face when it happened, as well.

“Too bad,” he chuckled darkly, and you almost came undone right then. “Guess you’ll have to come again the way you want to later.” Reaching under you, he toyed with your clit as he kept the pace from behind. 

You let go of the pillowcase as you kicked your head back in a moan, your saliva trail slowly gravitating toward the sheets. Seokjin only let you breathe for a second before pushing your head back down into the thin material. “Make noise again and you won’t come at all.”

Fuck. You bit hard into the pillow, tears forming at the corners of your eyes as you felt yourself losing control. His fingers felt divine on your bundle of nerves, his dick sliding through your folds over and over and over. The hand he placed on your head smoothed over your hair before bunching it and tugging. You reared back, dots swimming in your vision. “God, I want to choke you. Can I do that, my love?” 

You released the pillow from your mouth again. His consideration was top notch tonight. Too much? You couldn’t decide or really care. “Yes, just do it. Do anything. Please. I’m so close.” 

“Mm. Then cover your mouth.” Before you could follow his command, Seokjin pulled you up by a shoulder to be flush against his front. Sweat coated your back and your ass, causing you to slide down his chiseled stomach while speared on his cock. A strong hand wrapped around your throat, and the fingers that were teasing your clit mercilessly now ventured into the front of your folds. 

One of your hands shot up to clamp over your mouth right before you let out a long groan. You loved when he took control, and when he lost control. If both happened at the same time, it was heaven. 

You could barely last on your knees as his dick slammed up into you repeatedly. The hand around your airway was tight but only just, his praises in your ear being the real culprit of your stolen breath. Your pussy clenched harshly around his length, and you knew from the tight coil in your body that you were seconds from euphoria. 

Seokjin felt it instantly. “Come, baby.” And as soon as he relinquished your throat did you give in, waves of pleasure coursing through you and a white burn shimmering in your lungs. It seemed endless. Ripple after ripple thrummed through your body, your joints slowly unlocking from their initial freeze. Behind you, Seokjin groaned and sang sweet nothings in your ear, his arms wrapping around your chest in a scorching embrace. 

The high ebbed, but did not completely recede. You knew Jin still needed release, so you kissed his wrist next to your shoulder and whispered, “I want to see you now.”

“Whatever you need.” Seokjin slowly unsheathed himself, and you felt a slight pain. You watched as he positioned his back on the headboard. He knew what you wanted to do. 

You made your way over to him and hovered over his length. Locking your hazy eyes with his dark set, you kissed him lazily as you languidly sank back onto him. Seokjin groaned when you didn’t use your hand as a guide beforehand. And frankly, that turned you on, too.

“You’re so tight still,” he grunted, his hands coming up and grabbing your ass before settling on your hips. 

You rolled your hips before finding a rhythm. “You’re just big,” you mock complained, earning a deep chuckle. 

“Aww. You sound. So. Sad,” he teased, thrusting up into you to punctuate each word. Your mewls were welcome now since he was done with his role. Now he could just sit back and enjoy your show for him. And occasionally torture you. 

You found your rhythm again, rougher with him now with your hands in his dark, sweaty locks. One of your hands dropped onto his chest and raked down his breast, eliciting a higher moan than normal. 

The sound caused heat to pool between your legs again, and you upped the pace. Your thighs burned from the exertion, but you kept yourself distracted by diving into Jin’s neck and nipping in multiple places. His arms left your hips to wrap around your back, and your breath faltered as he took over again. 

Seokjin was close. He was always close when his limbs locked hard into place. His upward thrusts were fast and hard, and you could only moan in his ear and take him in. The coil that released once tonight was tightening again, and you murmured in his ear that you were close. 

Seokjin only needed to kiss you like his life depended on it for you to unravel again. The wave was weaker than last time, but it could still cover mountains. Your head felt light, dancing above the clouds with no intention of coming down. You pushed yourself from his lips, allowing him to see your flushed chest and reddened cheeks. The second orgasm faded and loosened your limbs, but your heart felt completely connected to his, your soul nestled into the comfort of his tender embrace. “I love you,” you sighed, and you immediately felt a huge twitch between your folds.

“Lie down, baby. I’m close.” 

“It’s okay,” you whispered, cradling his cheek. “Come inside me, Jinnie. I wanna feel you.” 

“Shit,” he grunted. His thrusts descended into madness. Your heart rattled at the sight of his dusted red cheeks, sweaty neck, heaving chest. He was the most beautiful man you’d ever seen, and the one you would overturn stars to find should you ever lose him again. 

When he gazed down at your joined sex, you took in the wet strands of hair on his forehead. When he kicked his head back against the headboard to look at you with lidded eyes, you bit your swollen lips. This wonderful man was your lover, your ex, your friend, and now your lover again. Only this time, you truly loved him back. And you wanted to think back to this moment forever. 

Tears sprung into your eyes as he pulled you in for a searing kiss, and his orgasm released into you in spurts. The thrusts he made then were slow and powerful, and your body bobbed with the swells. You kissed him harder than necessary, almost willing to bruise your own lips on his. The longer you held his lips captive, the longer he couldn’t see your sorrow. 

But Seokjin already felt the drops ping his chest. He just let you cry because that’s what you needed. Even when he broke from the kiss, he never said a word. He trailed kisses along your wet cheeks, your sweaty nose, and your glistening forehead. His poignant visage held nothing but stars, and it reminded you of the night you fell in love, crushing your spirit ever more. 

Touch after touch after touch only coaxed more tears from your eyes. It felt never ending as you sat spent in his lap, still on his softening length. Sheer willpower was what caused you to finally speak, your voice hoarse, “We should clean up. You still need to pack and sleep.”

“We should, and I do,” he whispered. He patted your bum. “Can you get up by yourself?” 

You nodded before extracting yourself from his firm thighs, lamenting the fact that human bodies had limits. As you waddled to the bathroom, you stumbled along the way, Seokjin softly chuckled while following you and steadying you when needed. Even when you shot empty glares at him, the smile in his eyes never left. 

The rest of your time spent in his room consisted of silence and kisses. Ever the gentleman, he let you lie down on his bed while he used the other half for the bags to pack. It didn’t take him too long since he was organized from the jump, so when he was done he cleared the bed and joined you under the covers. When you felt a weight on your stomach, you looked down to see your camera dumped on the comforter. 

Seokjin wrapped a strong arm behind your neck. “What do you call naked pictures taken with a Polaroid?” 

“Oh, no.” You turned your head to face him. “What?” 

“Just pictures. But that’s old nudes.” 

You punished him by attacking his sides instantly, yanking a batch of honky laughs from him. Knowing your own weaknesses still, he unleashed his own parry, and it took a minute for the both of you to settle in a draw. 

“Don’t tell me the only reason you brought this into the bed was to tell that horrid joke,” you chuckled, your head back to resting in your pillow. 

“Nope. I wanna take one of us.” 

After getting past all seven of your objections and excuses, Seokjin whittled your walls down and got you to agree. The end product existed on the last film in your Polaroid: a crooked snapshot of him kissing your cheek as you smiled with creased eyes, sheets held against your chest. And he conceded in letting you keep it after watching you clutch it lovingly in your fingers. 

You immediately sought comfort in his embrace after setting the photo next to your phone on the nightstand, and he stole multiple kisses from you way after your eyes couldn’t stay open any longer. 

“Get some sleep, my love,” Seokjin whispered. 

And despite your sound of protest, you were pulled into the abyss of sleep right as you felt pillowy lips caress your forehead.

Rin-Rin [6:40am]: You’re lucky I love you. I packed your stuff and left out an outfit for you when you come down. Just don’t be late or I’ll drag you back down myself :)))

Jiminie [6:45am]: RISE N SHINE LOVEBIRDS

Rin-Rin [6:46am]: Oh, yeah, I may or may not have texted Jimin. 

Jiminie [6:46am]: ABOUT TIME

Jiminie [6:46am]: !!!

Tae [6:47am]: jimins scream woke me up. i can only assume that means ill get to be an uncle soon. dont let me down i want this(: 

Joonie [6:48am]: Aaaaaaaaaa !!!

Jiminie [6:48am]: And I know you want to yell at me for yesterday so I am ready for that whenever you are

Kook [6:50am]: <3 

You smiled at your texts before locking your phone. Seokjin was already up and about, making sure everything was packed and accounted for. When he saw you stirring, he came over and surprised you with a kiss so deep that it revitalized your sagging emotional state. “Morning,” you chuckled, swinging your sore legs out of the sheets and wincing at the cold. “I need to head back down.”

“Yeah, Rin already sent the first round of threats. I’ll see you at the car, okay?” 

You pecked him on the cheek after you slipped on your boots and grabbed your Polaroid.  Stepping into the hallway, you kept reminding yourself to not completely lose it yet. There was still a whole car ride you got to have with him, and you were determined to slow down time however you could. 

Your phone buzzed again, and you assumed Yoongi and Hoseok were just now waking up and getting the gossip. Checking your notifications only validated your guess.

Hobi [6:52am]: AHHHHH HAPPY FOR U~!!!

Hobi [6:52am]: ASLSKDJSKDHSKDJ

Yoongi [6:53am]: I’ll make sure to drag him back sometimes. It’s ludicrous to say that we’d never see him again. Drama queen. Anyways, happy for you. If you need anything, let me know. 

Hobi [6:53am]: we’ll see seokjinnie again love. and if u miss him a lot then we can make sure you see him. im sure he’ll be missing u too

How you were able to win the friend lottery and meet these people, you had no clue. But you weren’t going to ever question the fact. All you would do was embrace your blessings and love them. 

The car ride to the airport was long, but still much too short for your liking. Between the loving gazes you directed at Seokjin as he sang along to Taehyung’s music, the looks full of mirth Jimin gave the both of you from the backseat, and the laughter of both Rin and Taehyung, you were the happiest you’ve felt in a very long time. 

Throughout the ride, you got the feeling that you were going to be okay. Seokjin was starting an insane adventure, but you were also going to be there every step of the way. Not just on the polaroid he decided to stash in his bag, but in his heart and on his mind like Namjoon said around the fire. 

There were still plenty of ways to see each other and communicate. And since he technically didn’t start until next summer, that gave you plenty of time to see him before then. The many possibilities made you question your hesitation in the first place. 

But none of that diminished how much of a struggle it was still going to be. 

When the car rolled to a stop in the airport parking lot, your chest constricted. When everyone got their bags out of the cars and started the trek to the shuttles, your hands shook on your straps. As soon as everyone started saying their byes and separating to check into their airlines, you found it hard to breathe. 

But a tender hand brushed through your hair, and plush lips connected with your forehead. In an instant, you felt okay again. 

Seokjin’s calm voice slipped over your features. “Your flight leaves in two hours, right?” When you nodded, he continued, ���Okay. Come shop with me before I have to go to my gate!” 

You tried your best to keep a positive attitude while you watched Jin peruse different airport stores. When he would hold stuff up for you to approve, you would smile or dramatically turn things down. Even the cute neck pillow he really wanted got the dreaded rejection. 

But that was only so you could pay for it when he wasn’t looking and surprise him. The huge laugh and grin you got in return was worth the trouble. 

When it was time for Seokjin to head to his gate, you brought him in for a crushing hug. “Let me know when you land,” you demanded. 

“Of course, honey,” he said through a smile. 

“‘Honey,’ now?” You regarded him with a raised eyebrow. “You have so many nicknames for me. I can’t keep up. Do you have a favorite you could stick with?” 

Seokjin rested his chin on your head. “Ah, I have a favorite. But it’s not true yet, so I shouldn’t use it.” 

A fire ignited in your heart, the flames warming you from the inside. “And which one is that?” 

“Would you look at the time!” Jin’s body heat left you in a rush as he stepped away, and your instinctual pout made him laugh outright. He cupped your chin for a kiss that rocked your whole being before pulling away. His eyes held galaxies in them when he stared into yours. “Guess you’ll have to wait for the answer to that one.” 

“You’re a jerk, Jinnie,” you huffed, but you kissed him again. “You’re lucky I love you.” 

“I really am. And I love you,” he responded. His hand came down to squeeze yours before he had to part. “I’ll let you know when I make it. Call me when you get home, okay?” 

“Okay,” you replied, and you watched his long strides with a heavy heart and a hopeful mind. 

As you told yourself again and again, you were going to be okay. It was going to be tough, it was going to be absolutely painful. But as long as you decided to keep loving each other, everything would work out. 

You knew better than anyone that love was a choice. And for Seokjin, you would choose it a thousand times over. 

And besides, the current state of technology was on your side. The possibilities of communication were too endless for you to dwell on the distance. Were there going to be days in which you only received one text? Most likely. Were there going to be weeks where you weren’t going to hear much from Seokjin at all? Definitely. But this time, unlike last time, you welcomed every bit of it. Your heart built a bridge to his that defied any sense of physical distance. On opposite sides, both of you were achieving success in your own ways. In the end, you would always come back to each other to celebrate together. Even though this was the last November trip you had with Seokjin, it was the beginning of many, many wonderful years to come.

It was later, while you were waiting for your own flight to finish boarding, that a message was sent to your phone. 

Jinnie [12:04pm]: Attachment: 1 Image

You couldn’t help but grin. As you gazed lovingly at the picture of Seokjin smiling next to your polaroid, another one came in before you could respond.

Jinnie [12:05pm]: Until you’re really next to me, this will have to do. Don’t get too jealous! 

You laughed to yourself, rolling your eyes while setting the image as your wallpaper. Locking your phone, you tapped the glass to see your screen light up, observing the picture again.

On a plane heading to another city entirely, Seokjin was doing the exact same thing. Except in his case, he was smiling down at a girl caught in mid-laughter, body aglow from the bright yellow lights of a spinning carousel behind her. 

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a/n: whewww so if you made it to the end, hi! i seriously enjoyed writing this and i learned so much. it’s my first fic and first huge one-shot, so if you have any comments/concerns/constructive feedback, please let me know! my ask box is always open, too. lastly, here is my m.list if you want to browse! 🌨🌨🌨 ++ feedback box (added nov. 25th, 2021): ⇥ of course, any reblogs/comments/messages are appreciated! ⇥ for the ones that aren’t okay with reblogging with a review, commenting on this, or sending a message, i went ahead and made another anonymous form where you can send in what you think! ⇥ no emails collected, no need to put in a username. it’s literally just a feedback dropbox :D ⇥ here!   ++ ⇥ masterlist 

[regulusblacksdiery]

Wednesday 27th November 1974

Dear Diary,

UGH! I am so angry! Me and all my dormmates got detention because there was an explosion in the dorm. Someone was brewing a potion in there (which we aren’t supposed to do) and obviously something went wrong. The explosion almost got YOU, Diary! Your cover is a little singed, but it doesn’t look like you’re too damaged.  I would be SO angry if the explosion had actually damaged you to the point I couldn’t read my old entries.

I know it’s kind of silly that I talk to you as if you’re a person.  I know that you’re just a book and you aren’t sentient. But it feels weird to stop talking to you like this now... I can’t explain it. I feel like we’re old friends, and if I started writing in you like a normal person would write in a diary it would just feel wrong... 

Anyway, back to the story. There was an explosion and nobody is owning up to it. We ALL know who it was. It was Dolohov. He’s always brewing potions when he’s not supposed to. But he won’t OWN UP. Even though I told Professor Slughorn I knew it was him, there was “no proof” so we’re all in detention now till Christmas unless he owns up to it himself. 

Why am I always forced to suffer for other people’s stupidity?

-RAB

[twinrowcitizennews]

snapshot

Note from the editor:

This is the first letter of this nature that I’ve received from someone who wanted their question published. Other than editing for formatting and grammar, it’s in their own words and their own words alone. Please send an email or ask if you know how to solve their problem-- and quickly. 

I have to warn you, this letter isn’t for those who are put on edge easily. Reader discretion is advised. 

I don’t know if I’ll still be around by the time this is posted, but that doesn’t matter. So long as this reaches whoever might need it. 

I first saw it last October. The 27th, I think. Kind of cliché for this sort of thing to be happening right around Halloween, but truth is stranger than fiction. It was late in the evening, almost nighttime, when I saw this stray dog roaming around in my front yard. I grabbed my dog’s leash and went to get it, thinking I could keep it in my backyard until I could find the owners, but the second I left the front step, it started off towards the bike trail. I sped up to a jog and followed it, hoping not to scare it off any further. 

The bike trail veers away from the neighborhood and through this piece of undeveloped land that separates the suburbs from a nearby farm. The dog was mostly sticking to the path, moving along at a trot, stopping every once in a while to look over its shoulder and wag its tail, like it was waiting for me to catch up before starting off again. After a few minutes of this, I called for it-- tried to whistle, asked it to heel, etc. It came over when I pretended to have a treat in my hand, holding my fist out like there was something inside. When it leaned over to sniff, I clipped a leash on its collar, a simple fabric band without any tags or ID. I’d never seen the dog before, so I got out my phone and took a picture of it to post to the neighborhood Facebook page, asking if anyone knew its owner, before walking it back to my place and letting it out in the fenced back yard. After feeding my own dog, I sat down to check Facebook to see if there was any response. 

No one recognized the dog from the photo. One comment asked me who was standing in the background. 

There hadn’t been anyone else in the woods, as far as I remembered, but I double-checked the photo anyway. In the background, about 20 feet away, it looked like there was a figure-- vague, kind of person-shaped if you squinted-- standing just to the side of the bike path. It was all indistinct and fuzzy. Probably just a smudge on the lens. I responded to the comment before trying to clean off the lens on my shirt, then taking another photo down the hallway to see if the smudge was gone. There didn’t seem to be anything. The rest of the night was relatively normal. 

The next morning, I ended up trying to clear out my camera roll, to save some room for any pictures I might take of my baby cousins in their costumes. I deleted a bunch of screenshots, old photos, and the image of the dog, before going to delete the hallway picture. 

The smudge was still there. Like before, it was around 20 or so feet from where I’d been standing when I took the photo, around the size and height of a person. Unlike before, it was peering around the corner from the door to the bathroom. 

I was freaked out some, to be honest.  I scrubbed the lens down with a Lysol wipe and took another photo down the hallway, trying to prove to myself it was just some sort of shadow. Nothing that would show up in the daylight. And it didn’t-- nothing strange, no smudge, just a block of sunlight from the windows. I didn’t delete the picture from the night before, though. Just in case. 

It was a few more weeks before I took another nighttime photo. My cousins are too young to stay up late, so they’d been out trick-or-treating around 5:00 in the evening, back before it was even dark, so I didn’t really take anything on Halloween. The dog was returned to its owner a few days after, so nothing there, either. 

It was around the middle of November when I ended up catching it again. I was on a nighttime walk and passed the home of this older couple down the road who always put up their outdoor Christmas decorations about a month too early. I wanted to get a picture of the setup-- they had this new animatronic Santa, sitting on a throne and waving to the road. I can promise that no one else was in the yard. I used the flash (on accident, but still), and if someone was there, I would have seen them. When I got home, I sent the picture to a friend of mine for her to make fun of. She messaged back with a few laughing emojis before asking who took the photo.  

(ID: Two texts from my friend reading “lol” and “really who took it”. My response says “wdym?”. She responded with two texts saying “I see you in the background, genius” and “just vibing by the garage”. End ID.)

I checked the photo again. By the house’s garage, a little under 20 feet from where I’d been, was a clearer, more distinct figure. For once, I could make out its face. 

I don’t know who or what it is, or how it got there, but it definitely looked like me. It was even wearing my clothing, had its hair done the same way, everything. Just standing there and smiling for the photo, like someone just out of frame was telling it to say cheese, looking right into the camera. 

I immediately turned all the lights on that I could reach. I almost deleted the photo, staring at it for too long, before closing out of Photos and reopening my camera. I figured this had to be some weird hallucination or something I was making up, but that didn’t make it any less terrifying. I aimed the camera down the hall and took a video. Nothing. I checked it, sliding the scrub bar back and forth to inspect each individual frame. All of them were just empty, illuminated hallway. That didn’t shake the feeling, though, so I turned the hall light off and tried again. Nothing showed up on this video, either. I took a photo. 

It was there. Again. It wasn’t peeking out from around anything, just standing in the middle of the hallway, the same distance it had been from the camera in the yard. 

I didn’t sleep that night. Or the next few. 

I ended up searching the internet as much as I could for anyone with similar experiences. I saw things about ghosts, things about illusions, things about solid doppelgangers that people saw with their own eyes and not through pictures, but nothing like this. Over the weeks and months that followed, I took investigating into my own hands. 

My fears were quieted some-- some-- when, after the first few nights, I realized that it wasn’t hurting me. It never even moved, staying in the same poses each night. The only change was, no matter where I was, inside or outside, it was always the same distance away.

I started taking pictures almost obsessively. Every day, every night, I tried something new. I tried every condition I could think of to see when and where this thing would show up. It became a part of my routine-- almost a companion. I’d even jokingly wish it goodnight. 

I could put walls between myself and it. At one point, I stood inside my closet and took a picture, only showing racks of coats and clothes. It could be seen through windows, if there was no room for it to appear indoors. I could take pictures out my bedroom window to show it standing right there outside the window on the front walk. It always looked exactly like me, down to the smallest detail, except for the face. It never had any expression other than a smile. No matter where I was, inside or outside, it could be there. I got pictures of it at home, at work, out of town. It never showed up in well-lit photos. Things in the dark with flash were okay, but it would just be a little indistinct. Dimmer lighting, pictures taken at night, all of that was free game. I never got a picture of it in daylight. 

Around February, I sat down and tried to sort all the successful photos into one album to clear up my camera roll. At this point, it was mostly just pictures of the thing, since I was sometimes taking up to dozens a night. I deleted all the failures, saving all the pictures of it into one album. That’s when I noticed.

It was getting closer.

I guess I had ignored it over the first months. It had been too gradual for me to notice, only an inch or two each night, but looking at all the photos in order, it was obvious. Instead of being around 20 feet away, the thing was closer to 15, still just standing and smiling.

I had to tell myself it was coincidence, or something I was imagining, or I think I would’ve done something I’d regret later just then. Now that I knew it could move, I didn’t really think of it as a friend anymore. 

I kept taking pictures throughout the following months. Only at night. It stopped showing up outside my bedroom window-- in retrospect, probably because the ground wasn’t close enough for it anymore. It stopped lurking at the end of the hallway, drawing nearer until it was standing right there in the living room. It started putting its hands against the glass of the kitchen windows. Then it started showing up at the kitchen table. 

I got desperate, some. I tried everything. I burned incense, I tried to talk to it, I bought fucking crystals. I’m an atheist, but I even considered calling a priest or something. All spring, I was constantly scrambling to find some way to get that thing to leave, or at least stop moving. Every night I took more pictures, too many, before scrolling through my photo album with a looming sense of dread. Nothing worked. It kept coming, slowly, always dressed like me and always doing that smile. It got close enough that I could see the whites of its eyes. I almost wish I could say that there was something messed up about it, something that made it obviously inhuman or dead or anything, but there wasn’t. It was just me, just exactly like me, and somehow that was worse. 

I’m sending this in now because it’s really close and I don’t know how to make it go away or if that’s even an option anymore. These past few nights, it’s been right in front of me-- I could reach out and touch it, if it was solid. Hell, I could probably feel its breath, if it had that. I’ve been taking pictures every hour or so, sometimes every couple of minutes.

Last night, around the fifth or sixth picture I took, it wasn’t there. Just gone. I took a few more pictures, and it didn’t matter where I was, it just wasn’t there. I don’t know why I did it, but I turned the camera around to selfie mode and took a shot. 

That thing was standing right behind me.

One of its hands was hovering right over my shoulder, like it was about to touch me. I freaked out and took another picture. It hadn’t moved more than a hair. I turned all the lights on and haven’t slept. 

I’m not sleeping tonight. I’m not turning any of the lights off. It can’t get to me if the lights are on, or I hope so. If anyone knows what to do or what this thing is, please respond. It might already be too late, but I don’t know what this thing will do or who it’ll go for when it’s done with me. I don’t have much advice to give, other than to sleep with the fucking lights on.

[spine-buster]

The President Wears Prada (William Nylander) | Chapter 17

A/N:  Soooo just a quick note that in celebration of my birthday on August 23rd, I’m going to be doing a DOUBLE UPLOAD WEEK NEXT WEEK.  That means you will be getting Chapter 18 on Monday August 24th and Chapter 19 on Thursday August 27th, both at 7:30pm EST as my gift to you.  YAY!  If you are able, please consider donating to my Ko-Fi at   ko-fi.com/spine_buster   if you appreciate it and like what you’re reading!  Otherwise, ENJOY! 

January 14th, 2020

Aberdeen Bloom was looking forward to the All-Star Break.  

With Kasha going to Aruba with her dad and the Leafs on the bye-week, she was looking forward to spending eight days completely alone and devoid of any work before she had to fly out with the team to Nashville.  Though she’d just had a mini-break at Christmas, this was much more substantial.  She knew she would be able to recharge and re-energize herself for the second half of the season – the second half she knew the team would have to push hard through to make the playoffs.  Because not making the playoffs was not an option.  

After what had happened four days ago after the Night With the Blue and White, Aberdeen had been in a weird place mentally.  Though she didn’t regret a thing that happened that night, and she didn’t regret anything she’d said to William, what happened between them was still wrong.  In every way, it was wrong.  And because it was so wrong, and it went against everything she believed in, every boundary she put up for herself and put so much time and effort into upholding, she knew nothing could come of it.  It couldn’t go any further.  They couldn’t become boyfriend and girlfriend.  They couldn’t date.  They couldn’t do anything.

They shouldn’t kiss again.

They shouldn’t have sex again.

But was that actually going to happen?  Or would their feelings get the best of them again and lure them further into a passionate affair they knew should not, could not happen?

Five days ago, she had been pretending to be aloof about William Nylander.  Four days ago, she’d had sex with him and told him she loved him.  Three days ago, they’d started texting regularly, after months of one-sided text messages on his part.  Two days ago, the team had suffered a bad loss to Florida 8-4, and they talked on the phone for what felt like the entire night about it when he got back into Toronto.  One day ago, he’d FaceTimed her after dinner and she answered the call.  Today, he promised her he’d score a goal for her and followed through with that promise.

Aberdeen was spiralling.  She was getting lost in William, and William was getting lost in her.  But she didn’t put a stop to absolutely any of it.  

After the game, she had to go back to her desk to pick up a few things she’d left there.  Brendan had come back with her, going into his office secretively and shuffling some things around.  Half of her wondered what he was looking for, while the other half didn’t care since she should be on her way home right now anyway.  

“Aberdeen?” he called from his office just as she had finished packing up her things.  “Can you bring me the proofs so I can take them home?”

Aberdeen grabbed them from the drawer in her desk and walked into his office.  He was looking over the score sheet when she held them in front of him, smiling, and he looked at her briefly before taking it.  “The All-Star Weekend is one of the most important weekends of my entire year.  We have three of the guys going.  I need the best possible team with me,” he said, barely looking at her, though his voice was steady.  “That no longer includes Peter.”

Aberdeen’s smile disappeared instantly.  She realized almost immediately what he was implying.  “Wait.  You want me to…no, Brendan.  I…” she exhaled sharply.  “Peter—Peter would die.  He’s been talking about the All-Star Weekend since Christmas.  I—I can’t do that, Brendan, I can’t,” she shook her head.  She knew how much it meant to him.  Meanwhile, she was looking forward to sleeping in.  They weren’t the same, and only one of them refused to go.

“If you don’t go, I’ll assume you’re not serious about your future…with the Toronto Maple Leafs or any other publication,” he said.  He finally looked at her, giving her an up-down she wasn’t familiar with at all.  Usually she got them for her looks or outfits – many girls did – but this was something completely different.  An up-down from a boss that said he was sure of his decision and nobody could convince him otherwise; like he was saying “Are you sure you want to say no to this” when they both knew she didn’t have the option.  “The decision is yours.”

She couldn’t believe him.  She couldn’t fucking believe that he had already made the decision for her.  She didn’t want to go.  She didn’t need to go.  Peter wanted to go.  Peter needed to go.  “But—”

“That’s all,” he said dismissively, like he usually did.  He gave her one last knowing look.  “Goodnight, Aberdeen.”

She stared at him for a brief moment before angrily turning on her heels and walking out of his office.  She couldn’t believe she was just put in that position.  There was no way she could say no after that, even if she’d wanted to.  She knew that it must have meant that she had done something right, after all the things she’d done wrong, but it was still taking an opportunity that wasn’t hers to take.  Peter went to the All-Star Game.  Peter mingled with all the players and GMs and Presidents that attended.  Not her.  She grabbed her jacket from her chair, threw it on herself, and threw her purse over her shoulder before walking out of the office.

She took the long way back to her apartment, despite the cold, to think things over.  What had made Brendan and Kyle come to that decision?  Who the hell brought it up?  Who agreed on it?  She needed answers that she’d never get.  Back in November, when Mike Babcock was fired and Brendan and Kyle thanked her for not leaking anything to the press, she’d told Kyle how she would never burn the bridge she had with the Leafs and how she wouldn’t take advantage of the team or someone for personal gain.  He’d said that she was young, but he appreciated someone with conviction.  Did she still have that conviction?  Did she still have that conviction now that she’d slept with William and put her job in jeopardy?  Did she still have that conviction now that she was following through with what was basically an affair with William, which was against personal beliefs and company policy?  Did she still have that conviction now that she was taking an opportunity from a co-worker, a friend, who had been nothing but nice to her and helped her along her rocky path instead of calling her Girl Friday and feeling her up in the staff kitchen?  

She didn’t know what to think anymore.  In many ways, she didn’t know who she was anymore.  She’d completely lost any sense of old Aberdeen.  But the problem was, this – what she was feeling right now – wasn’t new Aberdeen.  It wasn’t.  She was still Aberdeen Bloom, just another version of her.  She’d always had this in her.  She’d always had the drive, and the work ethic, and the want and need to impress the people around her.  The outcome had just been different.  Before, it was good grades on essays or being published in Acta Victoriana and the Hart House Review.  Now, the outcome was taking opportunities from others – others she could put a face, name, and personality to.  Others she called co-workers.  Others she called friends.  Before, they were nameless and faceless.  

Now they were named Peter.  

She didn’t know how the news would be broken to Peter, or when, but she knew he wouldn’t be happy about it.  Maybe it had already happened, for all she knew.  She just hoped she didn’t have to be the one to do it.

***

January 16th, 2020

It was maybe an hour before the game when Aberdeen felt the energy in the office shift.  Kyle had just left Brendan’s office and had spoken with Aberdeen briefly about the happenings of the day, making sure she’d be in the box during the game against Calgary that night.  Brendan had followed him out, for the most part, and when Aberdeen noticed him walking back, he looked serious.  

“Aberdeen, don’t forget to tell Peter,” he said before he popped into his office.  He gave her one last look.  “Do it now,” he encouraged, closing the door behind him.

She exhaled sharply.  She was going to kill him.  So they hadn’t told him, and they’d left it to her to do their dirty laundry.  She was going to kill them both – she liked Kyle, but she’d kill him too.  Now she had to find Peter, get him alone somewhere, and break the news to him.  She got up from her desk and began to look for him – it didn’t take long, thankfully, because she found him scurrying through the hallways, like he always was.  

When he noticed her, he gave her a quick nod.  “Hi, sorry, I know I’m late with the report Brendan wants—”

“No, Peter—” she tried to begin as she got closer to him.

“It’s just Kyle wanted a new scarf from Hermes, and he did tell me yesterday, but I forgot like an idiot and so I freaked out, of course—”

“Peter—Peter, I need to talk to you.  There’s something I have to talk to you about,” Aberdeen stressed.  

Peter calmed down slightly.  “Well, I hope it’s not another Brendan or Kyle problem, because I’ve got so much to deal with before I go.  I swear to God, I—”

“Peter,” she said sternly.  “Can we…can we go inside your office?  Please?”

Seeing how skittery she was, Peter agreed and led her into his office and closed the door behind him.  He set his things down on his desk before turning to face her.  “What’s going on, Aberdeen?”

She hadn’t prepared anything to say, so she knew she was going to just word vomit once the moment actually came.  She’d tried to think of ways to say what she needed to say, but nothing came out right, and nothing softened the blow.  She knew that no matter what she said or how she said it, Peter would be angry.  “You’re not going to the All-Star Game,” she said plainly.

Peter looked taken aback by the statement, like he didn’t understand.  “I’m sorry, what?”

“You’re not—listen, after the game against New Jersery, Brendan called me into his office and told me that he and Kyle decided I was going, not you,” she said.  She didn’t want to say Brendan’s exact words, how he needed ‘the best possible team’ and that it ‘no longer included Peter’.  That would be too harsh.  

“What do you…I…” he couldn’t formulate any words.  The realization hit him like a ton of bricks.  “Did you say no?” he asked, his tone suddenly changing from one of confusion to one of anger.

“He was on the verge of practically firing me if I said no!” she exclaimed.  It was somewhat true, but mostly a lie.  He was basically dangling every opportunity she could take advantage of in the future in terms of writing over her head.  In Aberdeen’s mind, that was worse than firing.

“I don’t care if he was going to fire you or beat you with a red-hot poker!  You should have said no!” Peter exclaimed.

“Peter, I didn’t have a choice!”

“Oh, please!”

“You know how Brendan is!” she tried to reason.

“That is a pathetic excuse!” he turned away from her, so angry he felt ready to burst.  Aberdeen didn’t know what to do.  She knew he would react angrily, but she didn’t know just how angrily.  She also didn’t expect the blame game to be put on her rather than Brendan and Kyle – the two men who actually made the decision.  He was beside his desk at this point, having paced for a while to cool down.  “Do you know what really just…gets me about this whole thing?  It’s that, you know, you’re the one who said you don’t really care about this stuff, and you don’t really care about hockey.  You want to be a writer.  What a pile of bullshit!”

Aberdeen winced.  “Peter, I know you’re mad.  I don’t blame you—”

“Face it, Aberdeen.  You sold your soul the day those boys took you out to dinner in St. John’s.  I saw it,” he accused, his voice so scathing that a lump formed in Aberdeen’s throat.  “And you know what really just kills me about this whole thing, is the people you are going to meet…I mean, you don’t deserve to!  You don’t even like hockey, for Christ’s sake!  God it’s so unfair!”

Being chosen over him was one thing.  But being told by Peter she didn’t deserve it was another thing.  She tried to remember that he was really angry, that his dream had essentially been snatched away from him, and that’s why he was saying all these mean things, but it got to her.  She’d been working hard since the day she stepped into the office, and he’d been helping her, and even though she had her fair share of gaffes and slipups along the way, it didn’t cover up the fact that she worked hard.  In his anger, Peter didn’t see that.  “Peter—”

“Just go,” he said, his voice softer as he crossed his arms across his chest.  

“Peter, I—”

“I said go!”

Aberdeen sighed.  At that moment, she knew there was nothing she could say, and nothing she could do to calm him down or soften the blow.  He was angry at her, and he’d stay angry at her for the foreseeable future, until he got over her going to the All-Star game – if he ever got over it.  

***

The boys had lost 2-1 in a shootout.  William had scored the only true goal of the game, but she was so despondent she almost didn’t even care.  The conversation she’d had with Peter kept playing over and over in her head.  Brendan could tell, apparently, because he let her leave right after the game.  

It was barely less than five minutes from when she got home that her phone buzzed on her kitchen countertop.  She’d placed it there so she could take a swig from the bottle of wine she and Kasha had opened last night.  

can u buzz me in? don’t want to wake kasha

She pressed the button and kept the condo door open with her boot.  When William walked through the door, still in his game day suit, she was taking another long swig.  His eyebrows immediately furrowed.  “Are you alright?” he closed the door and locked it behind him.  

She didn’t know how to answer that question.  She gulped her wine.  “I’m going to St. Louis.”

“You’re going to St. Louis for the All-Star Game?”

“Mhm.  It just happened,” she nodded her head.

“That’s one of the biggest weekends of the year.”

“Mhm.”

“I mean, are you going with Brendan, Kyle, and the guys?”

“Mhm.”

She could tell he was trying to piece together why this was affecting her so much – why it was making her swig a bottle of red wine and not bother getting a glass.  “I thought the All-Star Game was a big deal for Peter, or…” he tried to clarify.

God.  If even Willy knew about how much it meant to Peter, then it was an even bigger deal than she thought.  “Great.  Now you’re gonna give me a hard time too?” she demanded, setting the wine down on the counter before stomping her way towards her bedroom.  

“Hey hey hey, Aberdeen.  Aberdeen—”

“I didn’t have a choice, okay?  Brendan asked me and I couldn’t say no.  He was dangling every future opportunity for writing over my head,” she whipped around to talk to him.  

William had dropped his bag by the door before he approached her, wrapping his arms around her.  “I’m not trying to give you a hard time,” he said softly.  “I just…that’s news, that’s all.  The guys know that it’s usually Peter that goes.  But if you’re going now you must have done something right.”

“But I don’t know what I did,” she melted into him.  She could feel herself get emotional.  “And I don’t want to take that opportunity away from Peter.  He lives for All-Star Weekend.”

“Minskatt, you didn’t take an opportunity away from Peter, you earned an opportunity to go,” he encouraged her to think of it differently.  

She sighed.  She didn’t really want to talk about it anymore – talking about it more just made it worse for her.  She wondered if Peter was throwing plates against the wall in his apartment.  “I think I’m more upset about not getting a full eight days off,” she mumbled, causing William to giggle.  She looked up at him as he still had his arms wrapped around her comfortingly.  “Can we cuddle?”

William smiled down at her.  “I even brought a proper change of clothes this time.”

They made their way into her bedroom, William bringing his bag with him.  They changed into their pyjamas.  Minerva was already rolled up in her cat bed, but when she saw them, she meowed and jumped on the bed.  As Aberdeen looked at William move about the room, she realized that she felt so comfortable already, so at home in her bedroom that he moved around without any hesitation.  He even pulled back the covers himself, knowing she wouldn’t mind, and got in first, holding the covers up for her to get in.  Minerva ended up curling up at his feet.  Even her damn cat couldn’t get enough of him.  

She stood hesitantly.  She stared at him.  “Just cuddling.”

William stared back at her.  He nodded his head like it was the most obvious thing in the world.  “Just cuddling.”

She got in.  William draped the comforter over her and they got comfortable.  Almost immediately, she melted into his touch as he wrapped his arms around her, his big body engulfing hers just the way she liked it.  She didn’t think she’d ever get tired of it.  They closed their eyes and settled into a comfortable silence briefly.  “I’ve never even seen your place before…” Aberdeen thought out loud.  They’d only ever met up at her place.

“It’s your typical place,” he said.  “Kitchen, bedroom, whatever.  I haven’t bought a place here yet so nothing is really my own.  I’ve got a bigger bed,” he joked.

“Everybody has a bigger bed than I do.”

“Doesn’t matter,” he dismissed it.  She felt his lips on her neck as he kissed her tenderly.  “I like cuddling.”

***

January 21st, 2020

Aberdeen had spent the last three days alone writing.  

Kasha had gone on a last-minute trip to Aruba with her dad, so Aberdeen took the time in solitude with Minerva to write anything and everything that came to her mind.  A lot of it was about the last six months.  Not about her illicit love affair with William, but more important things: growing up, facing the truth about yourself, getting your first ‘big girl’ job and having to survive in a male-dominated environment.  More than anything, Aberdeen liked to think it was about the overarching and universal truths people in their early 20s had once they left university and entered the real world, where things were tricky and few people were nice and there was almost always an overwhelming sense of ‘What the fuck am I doing?’.  

William had gone to Augusta, Georgia, to golf with some of the boys.  He’d texted her when he got there, plus some photos of the golf course and some selfies he snuck while the other guys teed off.  She mostly sent him back pictures of her laptop with a Word document open, or pictures of Minerva sprawled out on her bed or couch.  At night they’d keep up a conversation, when he wasn’t on the course.  She wondered if any of the guys wondered who he kept texting all time, or if he was able to keep in discreet.

She missed him.

She hated to admit it, but she did.  She missed his stupid blonde hair and his stupid scruffy beard and his stupid thick body and his stupid tender touch and his stupid laugh that was like Beethoven’s 5th Symphony to her stupid ears.  She missed cuddling with him.  She missed seeing him at the rink.  She missed everything about him even though she shouldn’t.  

When she finished editing one of her personal essays, she decided to call it a night.  As she cleaned up the kitchen, putting the last of her dishes in the dishwasher, there was a knock at her door.  She paused briefly because she wasn’t expecting anyone.  

She looked through the peephole, only to see William in one of his absolutely stellar (read: awful) casual traveling outfits.  She opened the door.  She saw he even still had his suitcase, telling her he came straight from the airport.  

“What are you doing here?” she asked, finding herself moving out of the way for him.  When she shut the door behind him, she ended up with her back against it.

He walked in to her apartment with ease, wheeling in his bag and leaving it by the closet that held the washer and dryer.  “You said Kasha is in Aruba with her dad.”

“Yeah…”

“And it’s the bye-week.  I just got back from Augusta.”

“Yeah…”

“So…that means we can be alone,” he said like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“You’re really going there, aren’t you?” she asked as she watched him approach her.

“Did you expect anything less?” he asked, so close that now she was trapped between his body and the door.  

She shook her head.  “No.  No I didn’t.”

And then he kissed her.  And he couldn’t stop.  And she kissed him.  And she couldn’t stop.  And he pinned her against the door, his knee going between her legs as he raised her hands above her head briefly before bringing his own hands down so he could pick her up.  She stuck her tongue down his throat.  He squeezed her ass.  She wrapped his legs around him.  

He sighed contently, as if a weight had been lifted off his shoulders.  “God I miss you so much,” he mumbled against her lips.  

“Me too,” she admitted out loud as he bit down on the skin of her neck.  

“Bedroom?” he asked quickly.

Aberdeen should have said no.  Should have.  But instead, she nodded her head.  

***

January 22nd, 2020

The notebook was wide open on the coffee table in the living room, a blue Muji pen in the spine, the bookmark ribbons sprawled out.  It was the only thing on the table besides a giant three-wick candle.  William knew he shouldn’t look at it.  It was the middle of the night, for heaven’s sake.  But as he drank his glass of water, he became more and more curious as to the contents.  The pages seemed full of beautiful cursive.

So he sat down on the couch.  He picked up the notebook.

Maple Leaf Forever

The job interview went horribly.  I was sure I’d offended Brendan Shanahan, president of the Toronto Maple Leafs.  To make matters worse, the outgoing executive assistant told me, before I entered his office, that I was deeply unqualified for the job.  I didn’t watch hockey; I had no clue who Mats Sundin was.  

It came as a shock, then, when Brendan called me back into his office and told me I was his new assistant.  

William read on, completely enamoured with the words he was reading on the page.  He flipped through the notebook and read the entire personal essay.  Then he flipped backwards to the previous piece she wrote, and read that too.  He saw the scribbles and the crossing out of entire lines and paragraphs.  He saw planned out notes.  He saw poetry.

Sometimes William looks at me like he’s the spoon and I’m the dish of ice cream.  I wonder if he sees that, in my weak moments, I look at him the same way……….

I’ve gotten used to the sounds of the blades scratching the ice.  Quickly, it has become one of my favourite sounds……….

I am a daughter of immigrants. I am a granddaughter of the Iranian Revolution. I am a daughter of The Troubles. Revolution and change course through my veins……….

He saw and read so much of her writing that he felt like he knew her so much more now.  There were so many things about her, so many things in her mind, that she hadn’t told him yet; so many things he longed to learn so he could know her fully and completely.  He didn’t want to know surface-level Aberdeen – he knew that Aberdeen already.  He wanted to know what was inside Aberdeen.  The deeper parts of her.  The parts that he could love more.  The parts that would make him even more hopelessly in love with her.

No wonder she was already published in those two literary journals.  And no wonder she wanted to be a writer.  She was a great writer.  She had a way with words.  He couldn’t believe that after sending out her work everywhere, nobody chose to publish it.  They were stupid.  She was fantastic.  

And he wasn’t just saying that because he was in love with her.

***

January 23rd, 2020

“Have you ever thought about sending your stuff to Toronto Life magazine?”

William asked the question as he sat opposite of Aberdeen in her bathtub.  Their bodies were submerged, a bath bomb thrown in, and everything was quiet.  Everything.  The only sounds made were the slight splashes of water if they moved a hand or if William grabbed at her leg.  They had been staring at each other for a while, the heat of the water still soothing them and their bodies. 

Aberdeen stared at him.  “Of course I have.”

“Have…have you already?” he asked timidly, not wanting to bring it up in case she did and they rejected her.

“No,” she said.  He was relieved.  “Their writing is, like, top tier.  I don’t think I’m there yet.  Even the personal essay submissions they have in the back of the magazine are phenomenal.  The stories are amazing.  I don’t think anybody wants to hear from a 21 year old single white female.”

“But your voice is so amazing,” he said without thinking.

“How would you know?  You’ve never read my writing.”

There was a silence between them.  He knew he couldn’t tell her that he’d read her writing when she was asleep after they’d had sex.  He also knew he couldn’t lie to her, not while they were in the tub together during such an intimate moment, and not ever.  “Come here,” he said.  She hesitated.  “Come on.  Come here.”

Aberdeen shifted in her bathtub slowly, so no water would spill out, and moved so that she was cuddled against William now, her back against his chest.  She felt his strong arms wrap around her, one right beneath her breasts, the other dangerously close to her core.  If the hot water hadn’t relaxed her enough, his hands on her breast and near her core definitely did.  She sighed happily as she felt him massage her breast and pinch her nipple.  She felt his cheek against the crown of her head before her tucked his face into the crook of her neck, giving her a light kiss on her shoulder.  “I never want you thinking that your writing isn’t good enough to be submitted somewhere.  You should be submitting it everywhere.  Everything you write,” he whispered softly.

“But Willy, you’ve never—”

“Listen,” he cut her off gently.  “I saw one of your notebooks on the coffee table the other night, and I couldn’t help myself.  I’m sorry.  But you’re good, Aberdeen.  You’re really good.  You write and it just flows, and I…I don’t know how to explain it in any other way, because I’m not as good as you, I’m not good with words and speaking and stuff, but it was amazing.”

Aberdeen stayed silent.  William was nervous, having admitted to snooping and reading her writing – at least some of it – but the fact that her body didn’t stiffen when he did admit it gave him a glimmer of hope.  Then again, she could just have been processing it and getting ready to throw him out of her apartment naked with his clothes thrown out the window.  When she finally spoke, she said something William wasn’t expecting.  “I just don’t think anybody would want to hear what I have to say.”

He shook his head, giving her another kiss on her shoulder.  “I think everybody should hear what you have to say.”

“You’re just saying that cause you’re feeling me up right now,” she said, a hint of laughter in her voice.

William smiled.  “Am not.  You’re so good, Aberdeen.  Fuck anybody who has ever told you otherwise.”

Aberdeen knew what he meant by that.  She knew he didn’t mean fuck the editors or the copywriters – they were just doing their job.  What he was saying instead was fuck any person in her life that told her she couldn’t make a career out of writing.  Fuck Zane.  Fuck Corey.  Fuck any other guy who made her feel horrible about herself, who belittled her ambitions, who thought she should pursue something different.  Fuck them all.  She craned her neck to look back at him, and brought her hand up to caress his face as she kissed him.  “I can read you some more when we get out of here,” she whispered, her lips still close to his.  “If you want.”

“I’d love that.”

***

“More.”

William stared directly into Aberdeen’s eyes as they cuddled on her couch.  “More?” she questioned.

“More,” he affirmed.  She began reading her writing again.

***

“More.”

Aberdeen hooked her leg around his waist as they lay in her bed together.  “More?” she questioned.

“More,” he affirmed.  She began to read her writing again.

***

“More.”

William looked up at Aberdeen as she straddled him.  Pants firmly on.  He just wanted to sit this way.  He was intensely comfortable with her on top of him.  She didn’t seem to mind either, especially since his hands found her thighs.  

“If I read you any more, I’m going to have to start taking out my high school diaries,” she joked.

“Then do it,” he squeezed her thighs and dragged his hands up to her hips.  “I want more.”

“Willyyyyy…” she dragged his name out, the smile still on her face as she bent down to give him a kiss.  Her old notebook from university was between their bodies.

“More,” he mumbled against her lips.  He genuine wanted to hear more, but he couldn’t stop kissing her.  He could feel the old notebook press against his chest as he wrapped his arms around her, and could hear it fall to the floor as he moved to pin her underneath him.

***

January 24th, 2020

“It’s going to be fun.  I promise,” William said as he peppered Aberdeen’s face with kisses, unable to let her go just yet even though their shoes were on and their bags were packed, the early morning sun peeking through the windows of her apartment.  “You’re going to meet so many cool people.”

Aberdeen sighed.  She knew this was an amazing opportunity, and she was going to take full advantage of it, but she wanted just a bit more time with William.  All they had done over the past three days was eat good takeout and have great sex.  Oh, and read her writing, of course.  It quickly became her favourite three days of the break – so much so that she didn’t want it to end.  Whenever she was with William, she didn’t want to be brought back down to reality, back down to face the fact that what they were doing was wrong.

“You just gotta promise some other guy doesn’t whisk you away to another team,” William added.

Aberdeen giggled.  “Please.  Like that would ever happen.”

“I don’t know, minskatt.  You’re really cute.  I might have to ask Auston or Fred to keep an eye on the other guys.”

She chuckled, burying her head into his chest.  She couldn’t let go of him either.  She didn’t want to – at least not yet.  “Are you gonna miss me?”

William didn’t even answer.  Instead, he leaned down and gave her a long, drawn out kiss, one that made her sigh into his mouth and left her begging for more.  It answered the question for her.  He watched as she licked her lips.  “You’ll be in Nashville?” he asked.  She nodded.  “Dallas?” he asked.  She nodded again.  “Can I come see you after the game?” he asked one more time.

She knew that meant he wanted to come to her hotel room.  He’d snuck in quite easily before, obviously, and nobody had suspected anything, but they still had to be extremely careful.  “We’ll see,” she said, not wanting to confirm or deny.  For all she knew she’d have a room next to Brendan.  

William accepted what she was prepared to give him.  “We’ll see.”

She looked down at her watch.  Brendan and Lou were supposed to be there any minute.  In less than six hours she’d be in St. Louis, and in just less than twelve she’d be watching the Skills Competition.  “I should start heading down,” she said, even though she was reluctant to do so.  “Remember to wait until I text to come down and leave.”

“Do you have to go?” he asked sheepishly.  

She smiled.  She stood up on her tiptoes and kissed him one last time, giving him the same long, drawn out kiss he’d just given her.  “Bye Willy.”

William bit his lip.  “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

He smiled.  It wasn’t just a one-off.  “Bye minskatt.”

“Don’t miss me too much,” she said as she opened the door to her condo.  

He was holding on to her hand until it was too far away for him to grasp.  “Impossible.”

[annab-nana]

Rules: List the first lines of your last 20 stories (if you have less than 20, just list them all). See if there are any patterns. Choose your favorite opening line, then tag 10 of your favorite authors!

Tagged by @ilguna who is an absolute gem that I love with all my heart :)

“I can’t believe we will be seniors in just a couple weeks,” Betty squealed when she sat down across from you and Peter at the lunch table. • Stark!reader x best friend!Peter series wip

Laughter sounded throughout the closed restaurant as you, JJ, and all of his friends—who you too have become quite close within the span of your relationship—were hanging out with cold fries and watered-down drinks before you on the table. • All A Game - JJ Maybank (will be posted later tonight or tomorrow)

“Hey, Mrs. Nikki! It feels like I haven’t seen you in forever! How have you been?” you gushed as you hugged the woman you would very much consider to be your second mother tightly in your arms. • Piss Boy Peter - Tom Holland

“Holy shit, Peter!” you exclaimed when you saw the battered and bruised boy through your window in the middle of the night. • Twitches & Stitches - Peter Parker

“I’m sorry. Let me make sure I heard that correctly. You had sex with Harry?” you asked in complete shock and disbelief at what you were hearing. • Privacy Is A Social Construct - Peter Parker (Books Tell Secrets And Lies)

“Shouldn’t you be sitting with MJ?” Flash inquired when you stayed at his table after the morning bell had rung. • Green: The Color Of Envy - Peter Parker (Books Tell Secrets And Lies)

“You’ve got this, y/n. It will be okay. You know her, so you know how to handle her,” Flash whispered in a smooth soft voice as he leaned against the locker next to yours. • Reunion & Reconciliation - Peter Parker (Books Tell Secrets And Lies)

After things went down between you, MJ, and Peter, you sort of closed yourself off since the one person you wanted to talk to was giving you radio silence on her end. • A Chemical Acquaintance - Peter Parker (Books Tell Secrets And Lies)

“Ned, I need to talk to you,” Peter whispered to the boy as he grabbed his arm and pulled him between a couple of bookshelves in the library. • Bookshelf Confessions - Peter Parker (Books Tell Secrets And Lies)

Ever since his death, things have not been the same between you and Peter. • Things Change - Peter Parker

“God, it looks like Cupid threw up here,” you groaned as you looked around at the campus that surrounded you when you and Peter walked out of the main science building. • It’s Just Not My Thing - Peter Parker

It would not be you and Rafe if you both hadn’t woken up in the middle of the afternoon after staying up way too late watching movies and joking around. • One Love, Two Mouths - Sarah Cameron

The beach, for someone who hated it so much, was your safe space. • Sweater Weather - Sarah Cameron

“I can’t believe you didn’t know who Obadiah Stane was,” you giggled with Tom as you two left the room you had just been in doing an interview to head to another one in a few minutes. • Is There Something There - Tom Holland

“Okay so can you get some brown sugar?” you asked JJ while you were searching for the chocolate chips that you had bought not too long ago for making these cookies. • A Christmas Miracle - JJ Maybank

Peter Parker was your newfound friend, possibly even best friend. • Menstrual Mess - Peter Parker

“Hey, I’m going to Jenna’s house. I should be back in a few hours, but I’ll text y’all if anything changes,” you tell the two boys who sit on the couch as you walk out of your room that you and JJ had been sharing lately. • I Believe You - JJ Maybank

November 27th, the big day. • Birthday Buddies - Colby Brock

When you walked into the gym, the last thing you expected to see was your long-time crush, Rafe Cameron. • Do Something About It - Rafe Cameron

The pain that was bubbling in your brain was quickly becoming almost unbearable. • Headache Helper - Pope Heyward

Okay so a little over half of the time, I start with dialogue but I think my favorites are the really simple ones like for Menstrual Mess, Sweater Weather, Things Change, and Birthday Buddies. Like they're short, sweet, and to the point haha also I only included the first two wips because those are two of them that I am pretty sure I will post soon.

Btw you do not have to link your work or even put the title. I just did that in case someone wanted to see where things went after the first line. Anyway, tagging: @taylathornton @samwlscns @spilledtee @peeterparkr @vintageobx @toriswrites @killingbxys @ptersmj @itsapeterthing @sortagaysortahigh

[larryfanficcatalog]

Non Au

page one || page two

Given A Chance (174k)

Summary: Louis and Harry run into each other five years after One Direction ends and learn how to love each other again. Featuring: Reggie as the overweight labrador, Niall as Louis’ last grip on reality, and Nowheresville, North Carolina as the setting for Louis’ worst nightmare to come true.

And Then A Bit (159k)

Summary: Harry and Louis fake a relationship for publicity. Eventually it becomes a lot less fake and a lot more real.

To The Ends Of The Earth (68k)

Summary: During a yearlong hiatus, Louis visits Harry at his cabin in Idaho, where long-buried feelings ignite like the fire keeping them warm.

Still I Call It Magic (15k)

Summary: harry and louis before and after concerts throughout the last 4 years.

It Goes, It’s Golden (151k)

Summary: Harry and Louis broke under the strain of it all and now, years on, there's a chance to put all the pieces back together. Set in early April 2015 all the way through to October. Written in Harry and Louis' perspectives, alternating every chapter.

Call Unanswered (249k)

Summary: The day after his 27th birthday, Harry Styles attempts suicide. Louis is flown to his bedside to unravel the mystery of why he did it after a flash drive is found with a note attached, addressed to Louis. On it are a collection of 78 songs, all written for different dates from their past.

When We Were Younger (53k)

Summary: In where you get to see small glimpses of Harry and Louis' life together through the years, first through the eyes of others and eventually their own, as their life keeps spinning madly around them.

Love Is A Word (You Gave It A Name) (21k)

Summary: it's christmas. in between snowman building, tree shopping, and ill-advised skating on a frozen lake, louis and harry get ready to take the most important step of their lives.

They Know (7k)

Summary: The start of Harry and Louis' relationship from the other boys' point of view.

Happy To Be Here (70k)

Summary: The weeks spanning October 2012 - January 2013 are a rollercoaster for Harry and Louis. There's shows to play, an album to promote, publicity stunts to be acted out...and several new tattoos to be inked. Throughout it all, the boys focus on the most important thing in their lives - their relationship.

Who Knew (130k)

Summary: Louis cheats on Harry and gets a girl pregnant

The Winner Takes It all (6k)

Summary: Harry wears only his purple boa, and Louis make good use of the other two.

Stop The World (‘Cause I Wanna Get Off With You) (12k)

Summary: Five times Louis and Harry get walked in on at the worst time, and one time Louis makes sure they don't.

The Dark And The Dentist (66k)

Summary: “I know this song,” Louis whispers, and Harry has to lean his ear toward him to pick up what he’s saying. “It was written for people to dance to it. We should be dancing.” We can’t, Harry almost spits, but it’d be stupid of him. Louis knows they can’t. Even if he looks like any regular Parisian in their twenties, and Harry looks like any hipster Parisian in their twenties, they can’t anyway. To be fair, they probably wouldn’t do it even if they were out. But if they were two uni students, both in Paris for an exchange, meeting over fallen books at the library, or because of mutual friends, or watching Monet’s Water Lilies? “How would we dance?” Harry murmurs, mouth almost pressed to Louis’ cheek, so close he can feel his warmth. What a picture they must make, two millionaires freezing in a park and dreaming of a different life.

An account of the events of November 2014. Canon-compliant.

Always Come Back To You (29k)

Summary: “I’ll do it,” Harry offers brightly. No one even blinks. “I’ll do it?”

Louis sighs irritably. “Shut up,” he orders, tossing a pillow in the general direction of Harry’s face. This is a terrible time for jokes, especially Harry’s lame, old people ones. Not that it was an old people joke. Just that most of the time Harry’s jokes consist of knock-knocks or terrible puns. The type of jokes old people like, Louis’ pretty sure. His nan always finds them hilarious when Harry tells her one.

Harry bats the pillow out of the air without even blinking. “Be reasonable, Lou,” he says in his most reasonable voice.

Louis is perfectly reasonable, thank you very much, and he’s also frustrated and upset and tired and he really wants to punch something. Maybe he should have held on to that pillow a little longer.

“You’re not gonna fucking do it,” he snaps. “That’s the last thing I need.”

Gravity Pulls On You And Me (4k)

Summary: Having to hide his relationship isn't easy. Harry knows it's the price he has to pay to be able to be in One Direction and still be with Louis. Keeping his love a secret is slowly starting to upset him more and more. One night, he reaches his breaking point.

Bigger Than Life (49k)

Summary: “Boybander Harry Styles spotted leaving West Hollywood joined hand in hand with new beau, Xander Ritz”

His heart drops in his chest as he scrolls down, ignoring the short irrelevant article and looking desperately for a picture. Sure enough, there’s pap shots of Harry and Xander, walking hand in hand, looking drunk and cheerful and together.

And that’s—that’s really not what Louis was expecting at all.

Perfect (8k)

Summary: Harry and Louis write Perfect.

If You Say Run (I’ll Run With You) (4k)

Summary: an interpretation of what happened behind the scenes of One Direction's final performance before the hiatus.

I Want To Be So Complete I Could Light A Whole City (3k)

Summary: Harry and Louis have a weekend together before Louis is back in the States and Harry is set to jet off to Jamaica to start recording his album. Harry's love for Louis runs so deep he might just suffocate.

Rainy Days In The Sun (5k)

Summary: It's not always perfect, but it's them. A collection of scenes.

A Few Of My Favorite Things (8k)

Summary: Harry and Louis do cat sitting.

The Ways We Fight (10k)

Summary: How Harry and Louis learn to disagree with each other.

Of Love And Ice Cream (2k)

Summary: A little look into a very hot day in LA. Harry and Louis are hot, eat ice cream and, as always, love each other.

Sugar Pie, Honey Punch (2k)

Summary: Harry is baking and Louis is not helping.

You’re My Light (2k)

Summary: Harry arrives at their home in LA a day after Louis and finds him smoking on the balcony.

Go And Ride With Me, Get High With Me (2k)

Summary: harry and louis smoke before the apple music festival

[movieguy50]

Hey everyone,

Well I don't know if anybody can tell by the title of this blog entry which is new additions but my life is starting to turn around finally. I started talking to somebody new about what's it's been close to a month now. Actually how we met was actually kind of interesting I do some blogging for quora I don't know if any of y'all have been on there and she sent me a message and Quora is not the kind of site that you know you really want to go find people to date and so that it's just not the type of place I mean it's not a bad place it's just not a place where you would actually meet people at but she sent me a message and I sent one back and you know we kind of do this for about maybe a week week and a half and then we start talking to each other a little bit more and so now fast forward about 2 weeks later we exchanged numbers and we talked to each other all the time. She's 20 years younger than I am approximately she has her own business already she's very mature but if anybody says anything about the age difference it's just know that if anyone who knows me knows that I don't give a shit about age or looks I go by within a person's heart but she's very very sweet and we are planning on meeting at some point in time I'm hoping during the holidays but I'm not sure so that's one of my new additions.

The second actually the second and third if you really think about it it's actually already part of my life already she's my stepdaughter and come November 13th she will be officially my adopted daughter and I have already filed the paperwork to adopt her and today we have a birthday party for my granddaughter her first birthday which would be this Wednesday on the 27th the attorneys actually going to make a surprise visit with some paperwork that we have to sign before the court hearing which is going to be November the 17th and my daughter knows nothing about it she just knows that she knows about the adoption but she thinks it's going to happen around Christmas time because the original time we all thought you know get a court date and everything to get it all legalized and final well about a week ago I got a call from the attorney and she told me that it had been moved up to November 17th so at the party today I'm going to tell her in front of everybody in the attorney's going to be there she does not know any of this and I am so looking forward to seeing the look on her face once again when she finds out. I for once I'm actually happy and this is what she is wanted for a long time from me and now I finally able to give it to her and I can only just hope that this is just a sign of many good things to come but it will be an emotional day for sure so with that I got to get ready for the party the attorney's already texting me she's left her office and I got my ride coming to get me here at about 11:30 a.m. and hopefully in the next couple days I'll send out a special update to this story and I'll let you know how everything went so y'all have a good day I will be back on here I'm always on here off and on anyway but I don't always have the time to update my blog like I want to so in the meantime take care of yourself take care of each other keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the Stars

[jadeile-writes]

Fanfic Progress Update 92

Merry last bits of November, people! Let’s prepare to get attacked by Christmas if you haven’t already been XD In the meanwhile, here’s an update. Stay tuned for a spoilery glimpse into the next chapter of Adventure Gone Mini at the end of the post.

Current WIPs:

Adventure gone Mini

Fandom: Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild / The Minish Cap

Summary: Sidon is given his very own Sheikah Slate, the first replica Purah has managed to make, and sets out to travel with Link with the intention of registering warp points for convenient travel in the future. However, when a malfunction shrinks them down to the size of bugs, and they meet little people called the Minish, they have to change their plans from “fun adventuring” to “getting out of this mess”. Not that those two have to exclude one another. Link/Sidon.

Progress: Chapter 45 is the current latest chapter and was posted on 11th of November. Chapter 46 is still half done, with only a little bit of progress since last week. My head wasn’t in the game at all during my writing hour. So. I think I’ll postpone the publishing, which makes the new scheduled posting date 9th of December.

I post a new chapter every three weeks on Wednesdays, except when I don’t manage to. These updates always include a sneak-peek for the next chapter, slowly getting longer over the three weeks waiting period.

—–

Experiment in Romance

Fandom: Hazbin Hotel

Summary (temporary): Husk’s afterlife takes an odd turn when a drunk Alastor knocks on his door and has no intention of going to his own room for the night. It only gets weirder from there, leaving Husk with a most unexpected arrangement with the Radio Demon. Either it’ll be the best decision in his afterlife, or he’s simply out to break his own damn heart dealing with the fickle asshole. Radiohusk.

Progress: Chapter 1 is ready. Chapter 2 is still about ¾ths done. No progress this week. I’ve been preparing an event in the Radiohusk server and it’s eaten basically all my spare time. Not that this fic has been progressing much anyway, sigh. Still not giving up tho.

—–

Hah! Our afterlife is the most hilarious bushwa, dearest

Fandom: Hazbin Hotel

Summary: This is not a stand-alone story! This is a oneshot/drabble collection in the universe as “Shit, the Radio Demon is a part of my afterlife”. Read the main story before bothering with this one.

I decided to give my readers a chance to throw Radiohusk prompts at me, and had the Afterlife-verse as an option to set the stories in. Everyone liked that, so this fic is now a thing. Enjoy the extra mischief from these two dorks!

Progress: Chapter 28 is the current latest chapter and was posted on 27th of November. Chapter 29 hasn’t been started yet, as I’ve been preparing an event in the Radiohusk server and it’s eaten basically all my spare time. However, I should have more writing time next week, so I’m still scheduling the chapter for 4th of December. There will be a sneak-peek on Thursday if I get it done in time.

I have 10 prompts left. Note to new people who might be looking at this: I’m not currently taking more prompts.

This fic receives a new chapter every Friday, except when it doesn’t.

—–

Other WIPs I’m not currently working on but intend to get back to someday:

PoE Drabbles (Pillars of Eternity)

DC Drabbles (Justice League)

Diaphanous Relations (Forgotten Realms, R.A. Salvatore’s books)

—–

That’s it for the WIPs! Here’s the promised sneak-peek into Adventure gone Mini (Note: the text may end up slightly different in the fic itself due to more editing happening before publishing). Enjoy!

Mini

Link paid approximately zero attention to the rest of the pictures on the walls, making a beeline to the treasure chests resting in the midpoint of the platform, which seemed to circle right back to the beginning along the opposite wall. At least that meant their choice of which stairs to take had been more or less irrelevant and they could just complete the circle and go back down instead of going back to the beginning and climbing up another set of stairs. Less exciting, but better time-wise. "Oh, that's a good find!" Sidon's voice said behind him, and then his footsteps followed after Link. Hah, he was more interested in treasure than the pictures as well, it seemed. There were four chests total, each a different colour: orange, yellow, gray, and green. The orange chest had a padlock on it, the others looked unlocked.

—–

That’s it this time. See you next Saturday!

Links:

My AO3   My FFnet   My Ko-fi   Radiohusk Discord Group invitation

[bloommelon]

Everything Is Blue

WARNINGS: severe angst, suicidal themes, suggestive sexual content, eventual suicide, mental illnesses, eventual character death, unhappy ending, suicidal content, graphic suicide

A/N: please don't read if you're depressed, this is a very sad story but im proud of it because I actually finished something for ONCE. NONE of this is based on real life, it's all fiction. Jaehyun just fit my idea of this character, and I hope no one gets the wrong idea that I tried to glamorize suicide. And also, I do not feel suicidal and I am not depressed because of writing this, i simply got this idea while thinking I should try and write angst. On another note, I hope whoever reads this likes it or at least it makes you feel some type of emotion. Thank you. *i did not proofread at all btw*

Song: Colors by Halsey

✖✖✖✖

August 3rd

Jaehyun and I sat in a field of Nemophila by the river, the sun shining and clouds floating above us eating strawberries and our laughter filling the hot summer air. Jaehyun had taken me to the museum to see his favorite painting an hour beforehand, telling me it reminded him of me. It was a simple painting, blue sky with fluffy white clouds on a sunny day. I'd almost stayed home that day, not wanting to go anywhere due to a flurry of sudden panic attacks that week. "When you're feeling anxious, come here and call me and I'll come as quick as I can." At that moment, I'd been filled with happiness due to Jaehyun's caring nature but I should have been the one making sure he had somewhere to go when he was upset, but his feelings of sadness weren't noticeable back then. Giving him a hug wasn't enough to stop the pain he felt daily just from living. Laughter hurt, and so did seeing me smile making guilt rush through him at the fact that I brought him some happiness, but not enough for him to change his mind.

September 19th

Jaehyun wrote poetry about clouds and sunshine and the color blue. He would have  painted himself blue if it was socially exceptable. Most of the poems he let me read brought tears to my eyes, ruining my mascara. He always wiped the mascara off, then he'd kiss all my tears away telling me that's how poetry should make me feel. I told him many times how intense it felt, the emotions brought out by the poems he wrote and he'd stare at me and say" that's how i feel about you." Intense. Wildly. Airy. Bright and warm like sunshine shining down through clouds. Most people tell you to write when you're feeling blue to get whatever you're feeling out of your system so that you can feel yellow and bright again,but he still wished for the sun to poison him. He wished for dehydration and shock to take him away instead of writing useless poems.

October 13th

Friday the thirteenth. Bad omens were shown, I just didn't recognize them. I look back now and something had been off about Jaehyun that day. His smile wasn't the same. It was crooked in a way that it was almost a frown, but to outsiders it passed as a normal expression of happiness. He painted sometimes just like writing, and his paintings left me feeling blue just like the blue sky in august, like the painting in the museum, like the color of the walls in his room. It wasnt even a sad painting-he'd painted a red rose in a field of baby blue eyes by a river at night. It wasn't even sad, but when i touched the paper after it dried, I just wanted to cry. He'd held me telling me about the meaning behind it. "It's supposed to make you appreciate things and people that are different, but still appreciate the normal things and people too. No one should be left out. That everyone and everything is more than meets the eye, you just have to look deeper." The way he talked made me want to cry, and he could sense something was wrong, but the fact that I couldn't look deeper to notice his sadness made me tell him everything was fine. I pretended I was fine and I pretended he was fine, so that in the moment, I could feel like everything was fine when nothing about that day was fine. That night he'd went home and cried himself to sleep, and he'd almost done something heartwrenching but I couldn't ask him a simple 'are you okay?'. He would have lied anyways, but maybe if i would have pushed him to answer he wouldn't have cried alone that night or almost took a razor to his skin.

November 7th

Jaehyun and I would sit in my room for hours in comfortable silence, him drawing while i read books. He'd been noticeably upset on this day. To the point where I kept asking him what was wrong and was everything okay. He started rambling about death and blood to the point where fear bubbled up inside of me, spilling out into the world and when he noticed I was terrified, he had cried and apologized repeatedly. He'd thrown his drawing pad in the middle of all of this, it getting lost behind my bed. I'd held him for hours after that, hoping he would feel better and calm down. It worked on the outside, and I foolishly believed I'd helped him on the inside as well. He wasn't okay, and the way he had talked about blood and death so freely spoke volumes about what he thought of daily. If only I'd tried to look deeper. Most of us take what we see on the outside and assume that there's nothing more to see and we should look away as to not disturb the normalcy of the world.

December 25th

Christmas day was snowy and beautiful, the sun fighting it's way through the clouds to shine down on everything to try and melt the snow, but the snow was relentless and the roads icy. The gifts didnt matter that day as everyone was together and that made Jaehyun filled to the brim with happiness, which mattered a lot more. That night we lay together wrapped in nothing but the warmest blue blanket we could find, the snow falling against the window and the christmas lights above us in my room shining down us painting our faces in green and red. He was happy, but that didn't mean the pain had suddnely disappeared and that family made the bad thoughts run away, he was just hiding them. That night he whispered how much he loved me , lips against my temple. He told me I was the only gift he needed. He didnt know that he was the only gift I needed, and that him staying could have been so much better. Maybe that's selfish. On Christmas some people expect everything they want to be given but give nothing to others. That year, I was sadly part of the people who expect and was given everything I wanted but I gave nothing.

February 14th

Jaehyun's birthday. I had thrown him a surprise party that he loved, wearing a blue dress with pink hearts on it since it was also Valentine's day. Once he opened his gifts, which was a copy of the painting with the clouds on a sunny day that he absolutely adored and a necklace with my name on it in the shape of a cloud. His dimples stayed out all day, like I wish they would have stayed for life. As a Valentine's gift he gave me a blue rose and a painting of me by the river sitting in the field of Nemophila. That night I ended up in only his blue flannel with marks of his love on my skin the next morning,his whispers of "i love you more than anything" ingrained in my thoughts forever. I'd told him the same, but it didnt count as much since he said it first, and knowing now that that wasn't enough for him to stay breaks my heart all over again.

March 2nd

We spent the day walking around despite him being vocal of not feeling like getting out of bed, and he was a bit angry with me until I got him laughing by singing embarrassing 80's songs and dancing awkwardly. We both danced until we got tired, our legs exhausted and breathing was a difficult feat. I told him that he didn't deserve to be sad and he told me "i deserve whatever the world throws at me" which made me worry about him for weeks. I didnt tell him that, although maybe I should have. I just didn't want to make him feel bad when i started having panic attacks again because of it. He didn't know and didn't mean to, he just was in so much pain.

April 20th

He'd cooked for me on this day, telling me he felt a lot better. He appeared completely calm and peaceful like how some people get after doing things they love. Which he was good at cooking and enjoyed it, so I was extremely happy. He hadn't cooked in months-not like this. He was also baking. He wouldn't let me go in his kitchen. "It's a surprise, darling. Just be patient" Although he acted normal enough, whatever normal means, i sensed sadness coming from his being. After we ate, I felt nauseous. He turned into a concerning boyfriend rather than a happy one which made me upset since I knew he was keeping his sadness a secret. While he went to clean the kitchen after throwing a blanket on my cold body, I felt even more nauseous and after contemplating on whether or not to run to the bathroom my body decided for me. Vomiting isn't something anyone is fond of, and Jaehyun was even more concerned when he found me lying on the floor against the bathtub. He threw all the food away after that and blamed himself for me getting sick, though It was just a case of me eating way too much. Once in his bed, he kept apologizing and ended up crying but I held him and told him everything was okay. He didn't tell me that every small thing affected him so horribly it'd leave him wishing he'd never been born. He didn't know that those small things were things he couldn't help, but his brain told him that he ruined everything.

May 27th

Sitting in the field of Baby blue eyes with him felt different this time. More peaceful. We laid down side by side watching the clouds, he always said he wanted to float in the clouds but not anything about how he wanted to be buried like the roots of the nemophila we laid on. He didn't tell me he didnt want to grow anymore, not by himself and not with me-not with anyone. Instead he told me how much he loved me, that he'd die for me and told me it all day. He wouldn't let his hands off of me, never letting go of my hand or arm or hips. He wouldn't let go. He asked me to stay the night and keot me in his arms until I had to work the next day, getting upset when I left. He didn't tell me I'd only have a week or two left of this. Left of being in love, left of seeing his pretty smile and those dimples he was known for showing almost all the time. He didn't tell me he was looking for reasons to stay, trying so hard not to give up.

June 16th

When I'd woken up, a feeling of dread left me near tears all day. I hadn't seen Jaehyun in three days and it'd gotten late in the day without a word from him which was unusual. I pushed the uncomfortable feeling to the side until I'd decided to leave to go see him after calling him and texting him repeatedly. While walking out the door I remembered that day when he'd terified me with that talk of blood and death and him throwing his drawing pad. Worry filled my being, making me feel sick as I pushed my bed onto the side to find his blue drawing pad.

Tears stream down my face at the drawing I found. In my hands was the reason for all his weird behavior,all his guilt and all of his pain. He wanted to die. My Jaehyun wanted to disappear from this world forever. I throw the drawing pad in a random direction and run. I call all of our friends and his family, wanting to know if they had seen him. None of them had. I didn't want it to be true.

My legs carried me to the field of baby blue eyes by the streaming river, the sun shining down so brightly and the clouds reminding me of the painting Jaehyun loved so much.

My legs were already cramping but I pushed through that pain to find the love of my life laying in a field of nemophila, his wrists slit so terribly blood is all you could see. Flowing from his wrists to drip onto the plants under him, it was so red and gory I stopped breathing, running over to him to begin screaming while on the phone with one of his best friends. Johnny knew something was wrong, his voice got further away as he told Mark to call someone. To call 911, to get help.

In Jaehyun's hand was a a razor blade and I grabbed it, throwing the wretched thing far from us. I kept shaking him and screaming at him to get up. Nothing worked. Around his neck was the cloud necklace, and despite the horror I could see, he looked extremely peaceful, his eyes shut permanently. My Jaehyun was gone, and he'd died where he loved, but he'd felt so unloved to come to this place.

I'd never enjoy bright sunny days or museums again. I couldn't, not when I couldn't see Jaehyun's dimples or hold his warm hand. As much as he wanted to burn, he'd left the world cold. The sun still shined so brightly down on us as if nothing had ever happened in this place.

🌹