#a way to leave without really leaving
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We had no money, but we went often to the library. According to Mam, inside the pages of a novel lived the only beauty offered up by the world. Mam would set the table with a plate, cup, and book. We'd read through meals, while she bathed me, while we lay shivering in our beds, listening to the scream of wind through the cracked windows. We'd read while we balanced on the low rock walls that Seamus Heaney made famous in his poetry. A way to leave without really leaving.
Charlotte McConaghy, “Migrations”
#charlotte mcconaghy#quotes#what i’m reading#migrations#inside the pages of a novel lived the only beauty offered up by the world#a way to leave without really leaving
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the fact that irving canonically survives through the end of asunder to be at wynne's funeral is so fucking funny to me. nothing but love and respect for MY unstoppable cockroach morally grey machiavellian mage dad!!! he's survived in his position through multiple attempted rites of annulment and blood mage plots popping up left right and center around him. the chantry keeps trying to stamp him out but his dodge game is simply out of this world, divine. civil wars, political machinations and minefields, chantry atrocities, this wily old motherfucker is dodging and weaving his way through it all, not-quite-no-hits-taken-running-it-but-honestly-close-enough-under-the-circumstances style. if solas does succeed in tearing down the veil I would fully believe that one of the like three people still alive at the end of it all would be a very weary 90 year old first enchanter irving going 'oh this shit again huh'. the maker has cursed him for his hubris and his paperwork is never finished (affectionate, it's fine he canonically loves paperwork)
#we should have had the option to leave him in the fade instead of hawke or a warden#he would've just annoyedly shuffled his way back out of there a week later#dragon age#dragon age origins#first enchanter irving#he must be SO annoying to the chantry because it's heavily implied he's made his playground#out of tirelessly finding technicalities and loopholes to exploit that they can't *quite* call him on without domino effects going off#I think first enchanter in the circle system at origins times is a position that invariably and inevitably leaves you morally compromised#but I feel he really does his best within the rules he's given to play with and personally i love him a bit for that. and also#for being an unkillable lil shit. insufferable. inconquerable in his 'I'm about to be such an annoyance to you' impish spirit.#the I'm going to suffer but guess what. so are you of it all. traumatize the chantry back#I just imagine sophia sending letters home right before the vote for independence like '...dad I am hearing some INSANE rumours out here#what the actual fuck is going on back home???'#and he's like 'nothing that you need to worry about sweetie just keep living your best life and have fun killing darkspawn <3'#(there's something that makes me feel So much about how consistently his stance is like... 'you'll always be welcome here#but the circle doesn't *need* you; go be a warden and live your life'. he managed to fineagle freedom for you somehow and won't let you#turn and glance back. not even once. I feel somehow both so abandoned and so incredibly loved it's wild)#oc: sophia amell
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> WARNING ! FILE CORRUPTION DETECTED. > PROCEED ? [Y / N] ---Please.
#team fortress 2#tf2#tf2 medic#emesis blue#Or emesis red there's a lot of red in this one#I very much enjoy his constant distress frown and 2k yard stare in this movie; he's trying so hard to figure out what's happening#He's probably just trying to see without his glasses; everything is a bit more scary when you realise Doc doesn't actually see a lot after#he loses his glasses from fighting both of the Conagher brothers. He's just. Winging every near death situation half blind#Anyways I really like how he physically changes from being the most calm and seemingly sane person without any agenda into the doom slayer#First he leaves his medigun behind; he loses his glasses; he takes off his labcoat and gloves; there's blood on him; he's marked with the M#Just a really cool way of amplifying his change of personality and increasing insanity
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Canines
The hand that feeds
Mickbell Tomas & Kuro Dungeon Meshi
^ 1: Ink-the-artist, I will remove my teeth / 2: Margaret Atwood / 3: C.S. Lewis, The Horse and His Boy / 4: Mitski, I’m your man / 5: Ojibwa, I love you like a rotten dog / 6: KotOR II / 7: Stardrop, Everything that’s ever been mine is covered in teeth marks / 8: Sodikken, People Eater / 9: Mitski, I’m your man / 10: maxime., The life and death of a dog / 11: Mitski, I bet on losing dogs / 12: maxime., The life and death of a dog / 13: hun, I did not bite with Malice / 14: C. Michael Davis, Don't Pet the Dragon / 15: Mitski, I’m your man
v 1: Early versions of the myth as in aeschylus orestes / 2: Ink-the-artist, I will not remove my teeth
#Yeahh i’m workng on a mickbell & kabru party analysis oops#I’d bleed for anything if it held me the right way. Even teeth#dungeon meshi#delicious in dungeon#Mickbell tomas#kuro#mickuro#mickrin#It’s on topic in my heart#The red means I love you…#The duality between the care & devotion and the hurt & isolation is really what gets to me#Traumabonded kittens highkey#Tw#cw#cw abuse#tw abuse#Web weaving#web weave#webweaving#I hit 30 pics :( would have added more if i could#Idk even anymore… Pls tell me you see the vision#Mick obvi loves Kuro a lot but this was meant to focus on the unhealthy side if that wasn’t obvious. Abuse tactic of isolation etc etc#People always leave. doesn’t matter how or why but his parents his sister everyone he’s never enough to stay#and that’s why he thinks he has to trick Kuro into thinking Mickbell’s the whole world or he’ll discover that there’s more out there.#Stuff that’s worth leaving him for. He has to make the world scary and unknown and not pay him and not let him have connections#That’s why he doesn’t want people to have a choice!! Either Mickbell doesn’t care about you or he’ll make sure you can never be without him#and there being a third option/outcome in this freaks him out!!!#Some of these should be called ‘No Title’ instead but I have bad academic crediting etiquette this looks cooler sorry#He’s scared of course he bites. There’s only throwing bones when feeding a stray. So bare your teeth and chew me up
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Pokeymon
@ask-willowleafeon @ask-shiny-umbreon
#fuckkkk pokeask nostalgia got me by the throat. I can’t do this again Im not strong enough (does it anyway)#drawing eeveelutions is always fun Theyre so shaped. theyre up there on fav pokemon to draw right next to dratini. and maybe shinx#these two stick out to me in my mind just cause like. their designs are so good it kind of squishes my brain the right ways#I never got to draw Percy for an ask or anything but he is. very creature#and willow of course I have a soft spot for. shes so sweet and gentle uuhghhgghhhh I love her#fuck dude .maybe I will come back adhd be damned. I dont fuckin know. really tempting rn#I tell myself that but deep down I know I suck at roleplay. but maybe I’ll do it. but I suck at roleplay. etc#btw leafeon should be allowed to be autumn coloured without being shiny. it would fix me. I just want Some Guy dressed like a maple leaf#without the awe of being a 1/1000 chance. I don’t CAREEEEE gimme the crunchy red leaveeeesss#I also wanna draw Gardevoir with a barn owl face. and leafeon with seaweed leaves#aaahhhhggghhhhh clenches my fists#pokemon#pokemon ask blog#pokeask#others oc#ask-willowleafeon#ask-shiny-umbreon#Percy umbreon#willow leafeon#myart#my art#pokemon oc
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I love being queer and I love being a mormon, but there are times when I'm just so tired.
#im really glad i found queerstake because i definitely would have left the church by now if not#i can't believe i went that long without any kind of community#i just guessed that there were other people like me because i couldn't possibly be the only one#but i hadnt met anyone yet who was queer a member and was planning to stay and i just felt so alone in this#i was actually on the verge of leaving and giving up when i stumbled across a post#i dont even know how it could have possibly crossed my path it was so random i really think god put it there because there is no way#especially in the moment i needed it that badly#it was just a part of a liveblog from a general conference that was especially rough on me and i saw the queerstake tag#because like. i dont want to leave. why should i have to i like it here i dont want to leave just because people dont want me here#and i just really want to be there and hopefully be fully out one day so that queer kids in the church can see me and know they aren't alon#but there are times when im just so bleh and tired and sad#vent#tw vent#queerstake
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#dbtag#silly hours#god#I feel like that's a really clear and consistent thing throughout the entirety of the manga but OTL leave it to Toei!!!!#lays on the floor I wish people were less afraid of letting “good guys” be flawed and selfish and reckless without having to like.#idk vilify them?#like Goku does and always has had a ton of negative qualities about him but what keeps him a protag and what keeps those negatives charming#is that 1) he never promises to be anything Else. If you're upset by his behavior that's a you problem Goku's just doing Goku#He's only upset when Other People get hurt because 2) almost none of those negative qualities contain any malice whatsoever#even as a kid when he was 'i killed that guy' it was like 'i solved a problem why are you mad (gen)' not 'good fucking riddance lol'#and he kept that as an adult too even when he learned more about compassion he's still 'well if you're not gonna stop i have to kill you'#it's never 'fuck off and die' it's always 'listen buddy either you knock it off or i knock you out there is no option c '#and god i love that Goku. I spent so long thinking I hated Goku growing up but I only hated Toei's Goku. Toriyama's Goku is GREAT.#like look if an antagonist is just a hero with the wrong perspective a hero is just a villain with the right one#and the fact that Goku has all of the qualities of a villain with none of the malice or intention makes him SO POWERFUL as a character#Goku doesn't like bystanders getting hurt. That doesn't make him less chaotic and self-centered and simplistic in his worldview.#A hero sacrifices his loved ones to save the world -- a villain sacrifices the world to save his loved ones --#Goku sacrifices himself because you cannot kill him in any way that matters#idskahds anyway here's another essay in the tags for your wednesday evening scroll#the justification the interviewer gave was that the anime was for kids but my beef with that is that Hero Tropes strip chaotic characters#of their emotions. Goku's conflicts are emotional. Goku's power is emotional. Goku's childlikeness keep him authentically emotional.#MORE kids -- ESPECIALLY little boys -- deserve a male protagonist who leans into his emotions to persevere and win.#Super deciding his “angelic state” would kill him makes me want to tear my hair out lmao Goku's EMOTIONS are too strong to hold it.#you could've just asked toriyama about it why'd you decide on the most basic high-stakes shorthand possible OTL#aNYWAY#media analysis#in the tags at least lol
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#p4#p4g#persona 4#persona 4 golden#hanamura yosuke#yosuke hanamura#souyo#soooooooooo we gonna talk about how yosuke enthusiastically jumps in to tell yu that hes the same#so ive already talked a million times about how yu and yosuke's types are basically each other and that how their r/s is so defined by their#attraction to each others kindness and reliability and all that but im just#kanji's expression is sending me here LFMAO especially because kanji is low key the one that kind of points out their closeness the most#tatsumi “hey let me in on this conversation” kanji#tatsumi “whos your partner now!” kanji#1000% kanji knows they're into each other he knows they're flirting without realising they're flirting#like never ever forget kanji's own sensitivity to the people around him and HE KNOWS. WHATS. UP.#but also the way no one else except kanji intervenes lmao#lmao i think chie yukiko and their class president are just really used to what souyo are like together (embarrassing not-pda pda)#so theyre just ah business as usual theyre doing that thing again. this is minor. trivial in the grand scheme of everything else they do#its got nothing on them passing notes or the way yu turns around to smile at yosuke and yosuke smiles back and they just sit there smiling#at each other in absolute silence. their classmates know to just walk around them and leave them alone.#class prez knows if he has to tell one of them its their turn on duty its a lost cause. they'll make up for it later as they always do#but for now he knows he'll have to get the broom and sweep the classroom floor himself#ok i jest none of that is canon (is it) but thanks to the sample bias i have from this scene#i am on the floor laughcrying at how everyone at the tables just#watching souyo flirt shamelessly like ah theyre at it again. why did hanamura-kun even suggest a group date hes clearly already dating-#he's good with his queue
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i posted abt this on my tiktok story but i need to rant more so im putting it here 😭😭 the way a lot of mikosai shippers (on tiktok, pinterest, reddit, etc) are is such a big reminder to me of why i hate the strictly romantic soulmates trope with every fiber of my being 😭😭😭 people who interpret soulmates as "that means theyre canonically together" regardless of how the characters actually feel about each other and if they ACTUALLY get together is so fucking gross to me oh my god its so fucking gross i hate forced romance so bad 😭😭 someone cant just say "hey, we're soulmates so you HAVE to date me and its literally weird and impossible for you to like anyone else because i said so!!" and also aiura WOULDNT do that anyway ???? HELLOOO???
you have no idea how many people ive seen call all saiki ships with anyone other than aiura "problematic ships" just because "theyre soulmates"
#SOULMATES DOES NOT MAKE A COUPLE CANON <333#'she SAID theyre soulmates so that means hes HERS now and its gross for u to think he liked anyone else'#hey thats actually... really bad!! hey she actually cant and wouldnt force him to date her!!! hey what the fuck!!!#not a mikosai hate post#only weird forced romance likers hate post <3#if someone doesnt like someone then they dont like them... them being soulmates doesnt change that...#thats actually just not how it works and the idea that that WOULD be how it works is gross#and a lot of the fics ive read of them end up with aiura being all 'ha i told you so! i knew id break u eventually!'#'i knew id get to u if i just kept calling u my boyfriend without permission and saying we're soulmates!'#which like not only would she not do that... its also just really gross#like u really thought 'he doesnt like her so she wears him down and doesnt leave him alone until he relents' and like... u went with that?#oh...#weird...#idk maybe im crazy and also im having a hard time phrasing any of this#but it just brings up so many consent issues and it makes me really uncomfortable#like according to THOSE shippers it wouldnt be by his own will or feelings if he eventually fell in love with her#it would just be because the universe said so and he never had any choice#mikosai is so cute when u think of it in like the totally opposite way#in MY opinion i love mikosai AFTER aiura accepts that soulmates doesnt mean he HAS to date her#that HAS to happen before they date and THEN theyre really cute#saiki k#tdlosk#the disastrous life of saiki k.#meows post
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Actually. Looking at the chronology. The last time Gideon and Harrow talked alone before the pool scene, Gideon accused Harrow of being a jealous creep for telling her to stay away from Dulcinea.
A whole lot of stupifying things happened in between, but really, it wouldn't be surprising if her first panicked reaction to Harrow disrobing was to think Harrow was making a move on her. Relationship definitely hurtling toward something.
#the locked tomb#gideon the ninth#griddlehark#so much happened those last two days at Canaan House#I lost track of just how much relationship upgrade Gideon and Harrow went through#Gideon goes from insisting Harrow is jealous over her and not envious (guarding something that's hers and not coveting something that isn't)#to lashing out at Harrow in the worst way she can manage without physical violence (threatening to leave her)#to assuming Harrow is a murderer and resolving to kill her herself rather than let anyone else touch her#to finding out Harrow had a good reason for everything she'd done and just didn't trust or respect Gideon enough to tell her#to finding out Harrow's worst secrets and swearing herself to Harrow#....in the span of about. mmmm. three hours? ish?#probably less#depends on how long she was wandering around or with the Sixth really#I'd say someone give that girl a nap but for once she actually got one
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Ever since I learned Darkrai caused the planet's paralysis, I couldn't help but feel the future trio should have gotten a shot at him.
#meh i guess not really since they can be happy without any revenge#theyre alive and they have a chance to find happiness for themselves#tho darkrai being beaten up by these three would be funny#oh well#hes amnesiac now lets leave him alone and let him grow#pmd2#grovyle#celebi#dusknoir#my art#theyre immune to darkrai's tricks bc theyre all already half way suicidal#future trio
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i'm having hyperfixation drought so i did what i did best and created a crossover episode
#trafficblr#life series#hermitcraft#qsmp#the drought's been crazy i had to make qsmp x life series/hermitcraft you don't understand i literally had to#i literally cannot tag all of the cubitos without going over the limit so i'm gonna use them to rant about these doodles instead#when i tell you that i think dl!pearl would've loved tilín i'm telling you i think she would've LOVED them like.#something about just wanting to find love at every turn but feeling unwanted spdihgpisadhfpa. and also tilín's name is similar to tilly LOL#the jelly egg is just like if the double life jelly pandas were just an egg that scar loves with all his heart and grian reluctantly accept#i think out of all the duos in qsmp. the one i would want to see in the dl soumate premise the most is slimeriana. it's the dysfunctionalit#i made a post in the past about pac and tango being my fav cubitos bcs they were both crazy cartoonish and like scientists#but it kinda felt like a disservice to leave mike and zedaph out because to me they're argubly crazier and more cartoonish#missa and tim are paired bcs i just really wanted an excuse to draw the wet cats and it just so happened they both have relations to death#skizz and jaiden as the lawyers who were SHOCKINGLY good at their jobs like they cooked with that one#(was also gonna draw joe and roier as bad lawyers but i was running outta steam)#someone's already made a post about grian and (el) quackity and their eye entities so not much elaboration needed there#fit and etho just give the same vibe to be as a dude who has a reputation and is well-known and seems intimidating#i also made fit's arms way too skinny and i don't like it...but i'm not gonna go back and change it now i spent embarassingly long on this#but then his silliness is brought out by The Narrative#foolish and bdubs is one of my favorite drawings because i just knew i wanted to highlight the silly height difference#just realized they're also both god-like figures at least at some point#cellbit and rendog. cat and dog and lore. enough said about their connection.#i couldn't decide who fit etoiles combat hungry anime protagonist vibe best bcs martyn was originally paired with him#but i wanted martyn with phil so i went with my second options: joel and gem#i couldn't draw them mid rage but essentially the title is derived from “WHO KILLED EMPANADA” and “do me a favor. die for me.”#philza minecraft and martyn inthelittlewood. they feel like twins but one is evil (it's martyn)#SOMETHING I FORGOT THAT I WISH I ADDED: BBH AND BIGB AS THE ENTITIES WHO LIE. I HATE MYSELF HOW COULD I FORGET THAT#if i were to pair impulse with someone it would be tubbo? either him or scar would've been with tubbo#and then lizzie i just did not know who i wanted to pair her with. no one really does it like her in my opinion#scott's someone i also had no idea who to put him with he's just so...him...
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I really wish modern aus would acknowledge that there's no universe where Scara was planned, the closest human equivalent to his messy origins imho is 'Ei went on a year long bender to try and cope with her sisters death, ended it with a baby and no clue who the father is'
#Or possibly two babies if you wanna have the Shogun around-#raiden ei#scaramouche#wanderer#genshin impact#Like... Scara and Ei's fucked up dynamic is generally really hard to translate to modern au#Because Ei would be a terrible mother but she also just. Wouldn't be a mother?#She throws herself into her work to try and cope and when that works she finds a way to functionally kill herself without losing her job-#Which like.#Istg it's so hard for me to talk about these characters because everything about them is all heavy explorations of loss#But like. They're SO fucking funny-#Like. On the one hand it's a tragic and poignant exploration of how grief can cause stagnation#But it's also Local Nerd Accidently Makes Children In Attempt To Never Leave Her Room Again-
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I've been anxious for so long and so brave about it this year and I'm really hoping it will allow me to not have to brave for a while because. jesus fucking christ
#that job i had in july? i left it in august because i finally decided to do something i want to do#and not wait until i convince myself that something is 'good enough'#my anxiety was so bad during those two months. which was a shame because my boss was lovely and the place was pretty nice#but i made the first brave decision in a very long time and left to look for a job i'm passionate about#and my boss was so great because when they were saying goodbye she said in front of everyone that#she's sure some people there admired my bravery to just leave and pursue my dreams#and i could have cried right there and then it was so good to hear?????? i can't make brave choices and my anxiety is a bitch#so when she said that i was just. SO touched#and yeah an opportunity came along and i'm going to be working as an editor starting later this week!#so fingers crossed that i'm going to be less anxious and my brain won't ruin this for me because it's a really really nice opportunity#and i want to squeeze as much as i can from it without my brain getting in the way and making me see just the negatives until i get out#in general i just really REALLY want to stop feeling like a hunted animal in everyday situations. here's to getting there someday#it's mine my own my precious#not lotr
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Dungeon lord Chilchuck
What would his wish as a dungeon lord be? What would he be like? Headcanons & speculation post for fun. But I’ll start with analytic lead up because that’s always fun for me, though feel free to skip and skim.
When it comes to what Chilchuck’s dungeon lord desires could/would be like we have mainly 3 hints: His nightmare, his succubus and what the winged lion says to him.
Why: — From what we see nightmares are based on the person’s worst fears and insecurities, both Laios’ and Marcille’s nightmare were closely tied to their dungeon lord wishes (Laios’ dream monster being summoned to crush the ghosts of relationships that represented the pressure to fit in and belong, Marcille seeking control over death and aging through magic to avoid loss), the fuel behind their desire/goal if you will. Fear and deep-seated desires are seemingly closely tied, something also supported by Thistle and Mithrun’s reigns as dungeon lords (Thistle proving his worth through fulfilling his given duty + protecting his loved ones, being listened to instead of having to listen, Mithrun escaping rigid two-faced elven society and living in a wonderland where he has no enemies and he’s loved, free from everyone he knew yet propped up by the person symbolizing his brother being chosen over him, the bastard child).
— I’ve talked about the significance I assign to the succubi often by now, but rundown: What we see of each character is all very telling if you care to listen, it shows not only someone’s "ideal form" but what they want from it. Izutsumi’s is familial, offering a hug and comfort, Marcille’s is romantic with a character she knows and loves, offering a kiss on a hand and a connection regardless of how distant it actually is, and Laios’ is platonic, arguable at first but then Laios’ fear of judgement is placated and he is offered the picture perfect friend group that accepts his interest (if you want my full look at Laios’ succubus go here). They take on the most alluring form, most ideal person of their victim, even uncovering deep subconscious desires, so precisely and effectively to the point it leaves victims physically frozen before the object of their desire. Succubi and the demon are themselves tied in lore and it’s easy to see how similar their core skill are. Succubi don’t give a good idea of what a character would wish for on their own but they certainly give hints on what they crave, regardless of how you want to read it.
— Last bit is self-explanatory. To placate Chilchuck and win his compliance over, the monster that reads your soul like an open book offers to give him something specific. But! It’s also important to remember that the lion isn’t offering to fulfill Chilchuck’s dream world wish here, it’s a second prize, because his goal with what he promised Laios is that they’d stay in this world, away from everyone and everything else. Chilchuck wants to get away but is kept back, and it’s here the lion placates him with "hey it’s okay! You can’t do that but I can still give you this! This is enough right? It’ll make everything easier on you".
What each bit says: — Long version in another post. Tldlr: His daughters and family are obviously important to him, and this reinforces that he takes on the role of protector a lot, he’s constantly worried for his party members’ lives and implicitly his family’s. Safety and stability, both economical and otherwise, are his core values and goals, and he berates both others and himself if someone fails on those fronts. Here, there’s the fear of not being enough, of not having been able to protect, and of course of loss.
— Chil’s succubi are obviously sexual, and not only that but agressively and straightforwardly so. It’s not like Marcille’s where there’s personality involved, all they do is give him sultry looks and pretty smiles before jumping on him. His succubi aren’t like Izutsumi’s, always the same exact person and appearance, so it’s not someone but an appealing general idea. The idea of a sexual being he can regard as simply a gorgeous piece of meat and a good time no strings attached. In my interpretation, especially with my reading of Laios’ succubus where even with deep-seated desires negative emotions can be too intense to effectively freeze a victim, I think this doesn’t contradict his character. Relationships have been painful to him in the past, in the succubus scene when his wife gets mentioned his immediate reaction is to yell "Don’t bring her up now!", like with his habit of drinking and as a tallman liking his senses feeling dulled, it’s about not having to feel emotions with how difficult they are to deal with sometimes and just feeling good, or at least not having to think, for a while. If a succubus showcases someone’s ideal connection with an ideal person, then Chilchuck’s is with a pretty person that doesn’t stir any negative memory or drama, someone low stakes and low maintenance that doesn’t require him to manage or talk out feelings because there’s none involved in the first place.
— Once more, wife and family are important! He does long for his family, not only his wife but his daughters, and vice versa. This suggests not only that he wants good relationships with them but that he wants them to be with him, a family life. Far from the cut communication they all more of less have during canon, and perhaps far from their life pre-canon when he worked away from home a significant amount of time. We’ve seen recreations of people by the winged lion before with doppelgangers and monsters (naga), and though he claims he can make satisfying imitations, what we’ve seen is that they base themselves on the best memories of that person, like with Marcille’s dad, or twist behavior to be more pleasant, like Mithrun’s lover (and possibly twist appearances depending on the person’s view of them, but that’s Mithrun analysis). The line does suggest Chilchuck would want his family members as they are in reality and not idealized versions, but the circumstances are chaotic and urgent enough in the scene (and again the lion isn’t fulfilling Chilchuck’s wish but trying to make him content for Laios’) that it could just be the winged lion saying what he needs to to convince him the fastest possible, and like we see with Laios that can crumble to give way to deeper or more complex desires.
On top of that we just have general info on Chil. How does Chilchuck deal w his issues? What does he like to do? He likes alcohol and ignoring his problems. We have to remember there is a split between what someone would consciously wish for and what their soul uncontrollably irrationally craves. As always with Dunmeshi, there’s a narrative of irrational deep-seated desires vs active wants, what you crave vs what you strive for, what you dream of vs what’s actually good for you, the animal vs the human inside you, heart vs mind. Chilchuck craving a harem of hot babes in his fantasies but wanting his family life & wife back again is not mutually exclusive. You may crave becoming a monster and tasting what humans are like a little but still want to save the world & your friends more.
Btw can we adress the irony of him terrified of being the last one alive, of being left by his daughters and wife, of having left and coming back home one day to see everything gone or rampaged, yet not caring about dying of liver failure himself, knowing every time that he enters a dungeon there’s a real risk he may not come out. Die somewhere I can’t see you. I prefer leaving you than being left behind. He’s selfish and shortsighted like that… Chilchuck is selfless in many ways of course, but perhaps also due to his own relationship with his parents, he often undermines the effects he has on others in his relationships, both the good and the bad (he talks himself down about being cowardly and greedy yes, but never hints at his bad health habits, alcoholism and starving himself, may have affected his loved ones, doesn’t question his wife falling into a bad mood the night before she left, and talks about the possibility of dying here and there very casually, though obviously he tries his best to stay alive when it doesn’t concern his health).
Chilchuck king of "Let me just avoid and ignore my problems surely they’ll go away, things might work out and if they don’t well tough luck I’ll survive and I probably deserve it anyways". If I don’t look at it it will dissapear <3 Why care when you can simply not think about it.
You might not understand Mister "my love will stay strong through months of work travel and also 4 years of separation" and Mister "well idk my siblings and me are kinda strangers and my dad is dead but that’s kinda whatever", but typically relationships need some form of maintenance and emotional availability…
The actual headcanons finally
I kinda have 2 routes in mind for dunlord Chil and both of them are centered on "I care too much, i wish things were easy", so first is a lot like his succubi, it’s full on indulging in his guilty pleasures like alcohol and bodies and it’s to keep him in a constant state of thrill and euphoria and distracted, unfeeling about stuff that really matters. "Nothing matters except that I’m enjoying the moment!" vibe. He gets to live a life worthy of Dionysus, with alcohol and women and debauchery and like— never having to think again, never having to feel anything but pleasure again, never have to feel guilty or shitty or angry or sad. He has a harem and gets everything on a silver platter.
Breaking news demon magic-induced rush of euphoria and power still not enough to cure this man of his self-hatred nor his capacity for thought!! But in his case a state of euphoria is what he seeks I think, to kinda mask or replace the Everything Else.
The other is what I think closer to what canon suggests, with what WL implied too with "I’ll make you a new wife and kids like the originals!! 😊", it’s a (spoilers) Wandavision type thing where it’s a slice of life where he’s never at work and always at home and the family eats lunches at the dinner table together and everything and everyone at any moment is just. Happy. No issues. It was all a dream, this is real and everything is fine and your family is perfect and happy. I like to think the timeline would be wonky, his daughters would fluctuate in age, but he’d want to be there for what he missed, would want them to still rely on him and look up to him like when they were young, would like to forget that they’re now independent adults and the distance that grew between Chilchuck and his siblings is happening between them as well. Chil would want doppelgangers of his family imo, at its core just a general wish for a peaceful happy family life with no drama, no need to compromise, a little paradise of unconditional love and no consequences. It’s for sure straightforward, but Chilchuck is a man with straightforward desires…
But see Chilchuck is a greedy man, and he wants it both ways without having to sacrifice anything or expanding any efforts himself. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. I think playing with these two opposite directions and mixing and matching is most fun. Him leading a life where he indulges in all his worst habits while still having everything he wants… Him getting to have BOTH his wife and any woman he can imagine up, his life like two sides of a coin he can flip at any moment where he’s partying then he’s at home enjoying the quiet and his toddler daughters playing with toys on the carpet. Christ when you remember it’s all an illusion that’s terrifying, the doppelgangers and succubi from the winged lion playing chilchuck ping pong.
A safe little haven both security-stability wise and emotionally. Gets to have both the relaxing and the thrilling in any dose he wants, mixed or separatedly. What I’d argue he had pre-canon too: Can live it up in taverns away from home, stays away from home for long periods of time, and can come back to home aka the symbol of relaxation and safety whenever he decides to. Something he can leave and come back to at will, an anchor he can trust in (until it’s taken from him and his wife leaves. Or in his worse nightmare people rush in and kill his daughters). The ideal of a house and family to a working man, perhaps…
I think it’s fun to think on wether or not these desires would be interesting at all to the winged lion… In canon he seeks out "rare/complex desires", common simple things like I imagine riches, sex, substances and pleasure would be are boring to him, he’s eaten those so many times already. So perhaps he wouldn’t last long as a dunlord, the WL would want to eat him fully quick, can’t keep him interested or waiting long for a meager meal, too much effort raising the cattle and too low quality meat. By making it more twisted or layered Chil’s desire would become more desirable to the demon, it’s part of what’s fun with the third option to me. But whatever. Has he ever eaten a guy with this much repression and self-sabotage... Like trying to get the meat out of a walnut, enrichment…
Other dunlord Chil takes I’ve seen that are fun and good:
@feelo-fick and @pluvio-floret have a dunlord Chilchuck AU project dubbed "tragedy AU" where Chilchuck is said to be "on vacation", in a weird delirious state, only half-there half of the time… From which he doesn’t want to wake up </3 Quoting Feelo, this is why the vacation thing is only a half-joke cause he is 1) letting all his responsibilities go 2) indulging in himself and 3) "spending time with his family" <- lie but you get what i mean. Additional comments that have me vigorously nodding: because changing is hard why cant things just be okay right now without the effort !!! Life is hard he’s so so tired he just wants to feel good… he just wants life to feel nice and easy for a sec while he can learn to breathe again and lose the stress and trauma he’s accumulated…….. spoiler alert yes !!! in fact a depressed person can suck themselves into their job and lock out the world who wouldve thought !!!
And then Cabinette I know posted about his dunlord take once but I don’t have the link, in which Chil has a lot of nosebleeds because of mana overload which is fun and interesting to think about imo~
In dunmeshi, where characters get underground pockets of the world as their playground disconnected from everything outside and the rest of the world, it’s important to remember to face reality even if it has conflict and people with different views and stances from you, it’s something Chilchuck and Marcille and everyone needed to learn, and the thing with a dungeon lord AU is that you imagine a timeline where he fails to <3
A timeline where his dungeon lord wish is to desire nothing bc hope and want has only ever hurt him would also go so hard. Very universal thing though I suppose.
… And this is why a Chilchuck-centric Coraline AU is really really interesting and fitting and topical— Ok that’ll go in a separate reblog/post at @Fumiku I need to let this end
#Dungeon meshi#chilchuck tims#Analysis#dungeon lord chilchuck#Spoilers#dungeon meshi manga spoilers#Wish we could put just parts of a post under a ‘click to read more’ box that scrolls open and closes neatly#Bc 3/4th of the post is just extra explanation for ppl who don’t See The Vision already but like that’s not what i wanted most of the post#to be really gdbdg#Headcanons#You could say the family also represents something he’s built up with how own hands. If he has self-worth issues and thinks he’s a screw-up#in the virtue/honor and likability department especially— his family destroyed/killed also represents the one biggest good thing#he’s done/created crumbling also. Like his wife leaving without a word while he trusted their relationship this can hugely impact#one’s sense of identity and self-worth and what you’re living life for. In his case it’s not too surprising he turned to simple#physical pleasures for comfort and enjoyment. Like with tasting good food having moments feeling good keeps you going#He always focuses on the bad relationships bring and never the good aghhhh#The reverse of Marcille who often idealizes. They both ignore problems in their relationships in opposite ways.#What do you mean why do i bring up marcille. Okay yes this’ll get a marchil Fumiku short brainstorm reblog as well#Chilchuck is so… curse of having feelings and not realizing the extent of them. Underestimating how much you care#It’s either ‘i’m fine who cares’ or falling into the pits of despair and blaming himself n spilling his whole bag no inbetween#Dunmeshi succubus#Fumi rambles#boy that’s what this boils down to i suppose#Family angst “Hey I came back home from work and i’m tired so don’t talk to me about problems or anything k? I’m here to relax smh damn”#< unwilling to admit he has issues he should be working on or that some things are affecting others negatively#Chil you are so enneagram 6w7 <3
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Pretty proud of how far I’ve come this year
#I have struggled with crippling anxiety for a long time and this year I really wanted to overcome it and become more independent#like#I used to be absolutely terrified of leaving the house#things like driving and going places alone would make me have crazy panic attacks#but this year I’ve done a lot and I’ve overcome a lot and gained so much confidence#I’ve flown across the country twice this year#driven on some pretty intimidating roads like the highway and freeway#gone on solo bike rides for miles through the woods#eaten tons of new foods#I know those sorts of things might seem very simple and normal everyday things#but I have ocd and it can make my anxiety pretty bad#it can also make a lot of my fears rather irrational#likes like trying new foods and going new places are genuinely intimidating for me#bc it makes me feel like I’m going to die lol#but I’ve done ALOT of things I was scared to do#I’ve come along way#and it may seem like boring basic stuff to some people#but considering I couldn’t leave my house two years ago without panicking to the point of losing feeling in my hands and feet#I think I did pretty good lol#I’m starting to feel like a confident person again#I’m starting to feel like I can LIVE again#and it’s pretty nice#just wanted to write this out somewhere lol that’s all#maybe it will be helpful for anyone struggling in similar ways#to see that improvement is possible#lol anyways happy November#mae rambles
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