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much-ado-about-whumping · 1 year

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Help for when you’re having a rough time

(If you're looking for my old pinned post with my whump masterlists, you can find it here.)

In light of some deeply sad news in the whump community today, I’m thinking about how many of us here struggle with mental health, sometimes including physical or mental self-harm and suicidality. Since I know lots of folks might be having a hard time right now, I wanted to share some resources that have helped me in rough moments. Please feel free to add on to this post (or make your own, if you want!) with the resources that have worked for you.

First, a note:

Trauma, shame, and suicidality all tend to isolate - they make us feel like we’re all alone in the world, like no one else would understand us, and like the only solutions we have available to us are ones we can think of all by ourselves. In my experience, the antidote to that is connection. If you’re feeling scared or alone, you can hop into my asks or DMs if you want. I’m sure there are other folks in this community who would offer that, too. Many of us have grappled with mental health struggles, including suicidal ideation, and sometimes we can offer each other the care that can be hard to offer ourselves. Don’t be afraid to reach out if you need support.

A quick note about location: I live in the US, but about half the resources in this post are written guides you can access from anywhere. The hotlines and warmlines linked below are US-based. One or two are accessible in Canada or have an online chat or moderated forum that could be accessed anywhere. If you have good local resources from another place, please reblog and add them! (Thank you, @straight-to-the-pain, for flagging this in the notes!)

That said, here’s my absolute first recommendation if you’re feeling generally awful and don’t know what to do:

1. You Feel Like Shit (also available at its original site here)

If you’ve read a lot of ~self care tips~ in your life (and if you’re a bit of a salty bitch like me), you might be sick of being told to eat something and take a nap. (I don’t think we can hydrate our way out of long-term trauma and late-stage capitalistic hell, but thanks.) That said, I’ve found this site REALLY helpful. Personally, I have ADHD and CPTSD, a combination that makes it ROUGH for me to know how to take care of myself sometimes. This site speaks to you calmly, like a non-judgemental friend, and walks you through steps that you might struggle with if you have a hard time with executive function in general, or if you’re ill, grieving, overwhelmed, or otherwise just off your game. I pretty much always walk away feeling at least a little better, even if I don’t complete every step.

There are more suggestions and resources below the cut. Wishing everyone in this community love and care. <3

2. The 15-Minute Rule (info available in many places; after a quick google, I really like this site as a place to start)

One key principle to understanding the resources I’ve put together here is the 15-minute rule. If you’re feeling an urge towards physical or mental self-harm or suicide, studies show that the urge is unlikely to last more than about 15 minutes at its peak intensity. (Sorry I don’t have data on this off the bat - anecdotally, I can tell you that this rule also tracks with my own personal experience.) This means that, if you’re presently feeling overwhelmed by grief or pain that’s turning inwards on you, if you can stay afloat through the next few minutes, the tide of it is likely to ebb. The site I linked above has information about this concept and some great harm-reduction ideas, too. (Another resource on this that I liked in my quick search is here.)

3. Read This First (a compassionate distraction from feelings of self-harm)

I’m gonna be honest; this resource is aimed at folks having urges towards physical self-harm, but it looks like something I would find helpful with urges towards emotional self-harm, too. (It also looks like it could be handy for body-focused repetitive behaviors - BFRBs - like dermatillomania/skin-picking or trichotillomania/hair-pulling).

4. Resources from Pete Walker, psychotherapist and author of Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving

Obviously not everyone reading this will have complex PTSD (also called C-PTSD), but if you’re a person who, in general, tends to beat yourself up a lot, I’d highly recommend checking Pete Walker’s work out. If some of it doesn’t apply to you, that’s okay - take what you need, and leave the rest. This site (and the book it references most heavily) assumes you may have had parents who were emotionally or physically abusive or neglectful. If that doesn’t ring true for you, but other parts of the resources seem helpful, use them anyway! A handy place to start maybe this page on Shrinking the Inner Critic in Complex PTSD (that is, reducing the volume of the voice that screeches unpleasantness at you when you feel ashamed or scared).

As a note: this website looks VERY mid-2000s (which I kind of love). Most of the resources you want will be in the right-hand column full of links. Some of those links will open new pages, and some will automatically try to download a PDF of the article you want to read.

5. Warmlines:

This is something I just learned today - if you’re feeling really lonely and sad, but you’re not in immediate crisis, there are warmlines you can contact! These seem to be numbers where you can call (or sometimes text) to talk with a counselor or trained peer when you need support and connection. I can’t vouch for any of these numbers personally, but as someone who has definitely thought, “It’s not bad enough to REALLY need help,” I think this is a fabulous idea. Here’s a list of warmlines you can check out in the US.

6. Specialized hotlines:

There are lots of good crisis hotlines out there, but some may be better for your needs than others. For one thing, if you’re feeling seriously suicidal, it’s good to know the policies of the hotline you’re calling. In my opinion, everyone deserves bodily autonomy and the right to refuse care; for that reason, I think it’s important to know the policy of the hotline you’re calling as to whether or not they’ll call emergency services without your consent. Everyone has to make their own judgment call on this one, and I’m a little too (lightly!) triggered to go deep into my analysis on this right now, but I wanted to flag that it’s something to be aware of - if you’re going to call a hotline, you can try to look up their policy on calling emergency services before you contact them. You could probably even ask them in the beginning of the call. (A script: “Before we start, can you tell me what your policy is about contacting emergency services on behalf of callers?” If this is true, you can add: “I’m having some feelings of [suicidality/self-harm], but I’m safe and am not in danger of hurting myself or others.”)

With that in mind, here are some hotlines that seem promising to me, in no particular order:

A. For queer and trans folks in general:

Trans LifeLine

Available in the US (1-877-565-8860) and Canada (1-877-330-6366)

Available in English and Spanish

Will NOT call emergency services without your consent (you can read more about this policy on their website, including here)

Peer to peer support for transgender and questioning folks; also, microgrants (small amounts of money) for trans-related needs!

Does not offer text/chat-based support

I’ve never used Trans LifeLine myself, but I’ve heard excellent things about it from peers who have.

The Trevor Project:

Support from trained counselors for queer, trans, and questioning folks

Definitely available in the US; I’m not sure where else.

Offers support via phone (1-866-488-7386), text message (678-678), and online chat (link here - scroll down to Start Chat)

Also offers an online peer support space, TrevorSpace, for folks ages 13-24

Their site says, “In very specific instances of abuse or a clear concern of an in-progress or imminent suicide, Trevor counselors may need to contact a child welfare agency or emergency service.” When you click Learn More, it takes you to their Terms of Service (informative, but in legalese that might be hard to parse if you’re in crisis).

Again, not a service I’ve used myself, but I’ve heard good things!

B. For BIPOC folks (Black folks, Indigenous folks, and people of color more broadly), especially those who also hold LQBTQI identities:

Call Blackline:

Available via phone or text (both at 1-800-604-5841)

Available for people in crisis. Call Blackline can also help connect you with local community organizers and officials if you need to report a negative, inappropriate, or physical interaction with police, other law enforcement, or vigilantes.

From their website:

Call BlackLine® provides a space for peer support, counseling, reporting of mistreatment, witnessing and affirming the lived experiences for folxs who are most impacted by systematic oppression with an LGBTQ+ Black Femme Lens.Call BlackLine® prioritizes BIPOC (Black, Indigenous, and People of Color). By us for us.

Here’s what I found regarding their policy on emergency services:

You do not have to provide any personal information to use the service. All calls remain private and will never be shared with law enforcement or state agencies of any kind.

Of course, a BIPOC person can contact any hotline for support, but for people dealing with racism, anti-Blackness, and other specific bigotries, I can very much see the importance of talking to someone who shares or understands that experience.

C. For folks processing bad psychedelic trips:

Fireside Project:

This one is something I didn’t even know existed! They do call- or text-based support (1-623-473-7433, or 1-62-FIRESIDE) for people processing psychedelic drug experiences, available 11am to 11pm Pacific time. I don’t have a ton more info, but their site seems really interesting and like they’re serving a unique need.

7. A soothing distraction:

One of the glories of the internet is the fact that it enables us to conjure up images of kittens at a moment’s notice. In that vein, I want to offer up a VERY cute distraction: Peptoc is a hotline (1-707-873-7862, or 1-707-8PEPTOC) where you can hear encouraging messages in English or Spanish from kindergarteners. How sweet is that? (Thanks to the wonderful @newbornwhumperfly for this suggestion!)

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Beloved whump community, I want to know about things that help you when you’re struggling. Please feel free to share them if you want.

And, Moya - we’ll miss you so, so much, even those of us (like me) who didn’t know you well. May your memory be an absolute blessing. <3

(I was going to put this in the tags, but oops, it’s going up here - I really hope this post will be helpful to someone, but it was also helpful to me to build. I feel better in a crisis when I can find a way to help - it’s how I soothe myself when I’m sad or scared. I really hope this doesn’t seem preachy or self-aggrandizing - it’s really just me processing-processing-processing. <3)

One more note: if this post makes you think you might want to follow my blog, you're totally welcome, but you should check out my note here first. This is not a DNI list; it's just a heads-up about my content, which could be inappropriate or triggering for some people.

#whump community #how to be a person in the world #ways to stay afloat #suicide mention cw #suicidality mention cw #self-harm mention cw #resources for taking care of yourself #bel talks #touchstones #sorry another disclaimer but also i know my experiences are not universal #my feelings might come from a really different place than other people's feelings #idk for instance if any of the shit in this post would have been at all useful to moya #but I'm sharing it anyway in case it's useful to SOMEONE

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sketchy-the-changeling · 2 months

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Hey hun I just had a thought but befor I follow through with it, alot of people have been criticizing the killmonger haircut being used too much, is there something deeper then that to it or is that the jist of it

Both? Like, that IS the gist of it but there is a broader conversation to be had.

So to start off so we’re all on the same page, the reason why combover dreads are called Killmonger Dreads is because Killmonger is the most prominent character in recent memory to have them and the amount of characters to have that cut increased a lot since Black Panther came out.

So the reason why black audiences have been criticizing character designers (primarily in video games) for defaulting to the combover dreads is intertwined with a critique we’ve been making for much longer: the lack of variety in hairstyles for black characters.

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As the video showed, satirical though it may be, for a lot of black gamers, if we wanted to make a black-looking character, we would only get a buzzcut, an Afro, or MAYBE some cornrows. That was it, and some games didn’t even have that.

So at first when we saw video game characters rocking the combover dreads, we were cool with it. Dreadlocks were historically characterized as “dirty”, “unkempt” or otherwise unattractive hairstyles (three guesses as to why that is), so we were all for video games normalizing them.

But then they did literally nothing else.

Instead of this being a gateway to explore more hairstyles for black characters, we just went from having 3 default settings to 4.

It was even more annoying when characters that were ALREADY known for having dreads inexplicably get their perfectly fine locks changed to the combover style.

Do a quick google search and you’ll find a PLETHORA of styles you can put dreadlocks in.

To put it in perspective: the TERF wizard game has better options for black hair than most games that came out the same year. The TERF wizard game, y’all.

The bar was in hell.

And I say was, because, to end on an optimistic note, I do believe that we’re turning a corner. The Twitter account @/blackhairinvg makes posts showing off the different black hairstyles in various video games from indie to AAA. Dragon’s Dogma 2 gave us 7 (Capcom in general has been getting better and better tbh. Both Monster Hunter Rise and Street Fighter 6 had great options too), and Guild Wars 2 gave us over 20! I think we’re on the right track, and while we may get jumpsared with the combover dreads every now and then, I think video games are getting better with this.

I think the dark ages might be behind us. Cause we were down bad at one point.

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packet-of-staples · 10 months

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I wanna talk about Elijah Walton and what he and his brother represent in the story because I think it's really interesting.

It's really interesting how Elijah and Don are pretty much an exact mirror of Walt and Roy Disney, even down to their roles in the company. Walt and Elijah were the creatives and Roy and Don were the finance and when Walt died, Roy took over. Atleast this is according to a quick google search. (Though I dont really like comparing Elijah to Walt to a tee just because he was a raging Racist, Sexist and overall bigot while also exploiting his workers and Elijah is propped up to very much be a good person by the narrative, so I'd like to think Elijah wasnt those things atleast for the purpose of this analysis)

Elijah represents those who want to tell stories. The artists, writers, creators etc. He represents the wonder and joy of creating things for others to see and the passion behind it. He is what Walt Disney presented himself as, a fatherly and whimsical story teller sharing art with the masses. His demeanor is warm, inviting and friendly.

Meanwhile Don represents the capital. He looks to what will be profitable, what will make the shareholders happy. He doesnt care about the creativity, evident by the fact their films take a bit of a back seat to American Arcadia and they are willing to let Kovacs go when he is no longer helpful to them. Hes cold, stilted and professional.

In equilibrium Creativity and Money can work, atleast in the society we live in now it does. You need money to create, and creativity makes money, so both are incredibly important. You cant focus too heavily on the creativity otherwise things get too ambitious, people get overworked, it will take too long to finish and you cant fund it. You cant focus too heavily on the money otherwise you will cut corners, exploit people and overall create uncreative pandering art in an effort to make as much money as possible. They need to work together.

And we see them working together with the rise of Walton Pictures.

But what we also see in AA and in our real lives too is the money taking over. We see it in the Arcadians, people who's lives are recorded without their consent, who are brainwashed to remain inside the dome to keep on making money for the company and when they are no longer useful they are basically thrown out. People who are used basically as toys to make Walton more money and for our entertainment. We see it in Disney now, in their under payed Writers, Actors and Animators who have to strike to be payed livable wages. You see it in the sweatshop workers making their merchandise, the exploitation of other people's cultures (see, Disney trying to Trademark fucking Dia De Los Muertos or just the movie Pocahontas) and much more.

The fact that Elijah's death was what caused the turning point for the company to go down into this hellish capitalistic spiral is very poignant. It shows that when Creativity dies and Money takes over, all you are left with greed and suffering.

#american arcadia #american arcadia spoilers #Elijah Walton #Don Walton #staples rambles

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yourwakingnightmares · 2 months

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Jason Todd: Origins, Background, and Childhood

Hi there, yes it's me, crawling out of the woodworks to rant again. Hi.

So, lately I've seen a huge group of people insisting that Jason Todd is...

A) Not Angry Ever

B) Grew up happy and normal, and really, it's classist to assume otherwise.

Now, we're gonna start with this 'classist' bullshit and get it right out of the way. Because it's infuriating, tbh. I spent most of my childhood growing up in a trailer that rarely had running water or electricity because my mother would spend any money she got her grubby hands on, on cigarettes, booze, and drugs.

And I'm not unique, or a special case. According to one Harvard study (1), the highest use of opioid abuse happens "...concentrated in more economically disadvantaged zip codes, indicated by higher rates of poverty and unemployment as well as lower education..."

According to another study by National Bureau of Economic Research, (2) "... Poverty is concentrated in inner-city neighborhoods that are also characterized by high rates of drug use."

This doesn't mean, of course, that every person who is poor, or grows up in generational poverty, is going to use drugs, and abuse their spouse or children, obviously. Many people grow up poor, or even as victims of domestic violence themselves, and don't go on to be abusive, alcoholics, or drug addicts. But denying that there is a huge correlation between poverty and drug use, and domestic violence, is burying our heads in the sand. (Side note: yeah, this is kind of my soap box too for we really need to start doing something about the children growing up in poverty, but I promise, we're getting to Jason Todd.)

Now, as has been established conclusively in canon, Jason Todd grew up in Park Row, also commonly referred to as 'Crime Alley'. This is undeniably, and widely accepted, as the poorest neighborhood in Gotham, with the highest amounts of crime, drug use, homelessness, and prostitution. Essentially, not matter which continuity you're talking about, Crime Alley is a cesspit. This is where Jason Todd grew up, first with his parents, and then with just his mom, then by himself, as a homeless child.

Now, several people I've... ahem... discussed things with lately, have insisted that Willis Todd was really a lovely, lovely person, and that we have no evidence or proof that he was abusive, or an alcoholic. Let me introduce you to a series of comic panels that pretty clearly make the case otherwise.

Or this one...

Or this one, where it says, Willis probably loved his son:

Even a quick google search of Willis Todd will show that the panel above? The one where it says he probably loved his son? That's about the best Jason had. Sure, pre-crisis, Willis was probably great; of course, pre-crisis, Willis and Catherine were also circus acrobats, and Jason was just a blond-haired version of Dick. So I think we can safely say that saying, "Well, PRE-CRISIS..." is kinda pointless and redundant here.

Now, further on, we have Catherine's drug use. While this was made clear in more recent comics...

We also have hints and heavily implied drug use from the 80s comics as well, including this one:

So after growing up with this lovely bunch of dysfunctionality, parentification, poverty, emotional/mental abuse, and most likely physical abuse (or, in a best case, neglect), Willis goes to jail, and Catherine eventually dies of an overdose. Now, canon does get a little hard to follow here, as several sources state she was self-medicating with heroin to deal with her 'illness' (which is usually described as cancer), with others just stating that she used heroin, without giving a reason as to why. But regardless of the 'why' of her drug use... she overdoses, and leaves Jason alone, homeless, in the most violent, crime infested streets of Gotham.

So we've clearly established that, in most continuities, Jason grew up with at best, neglectful parents, at worst, abusive parents (and yes, parentifying your child into having to take care of you is abuse, do not do), and was then homeless for (depending on the continuity) anywhere from 1-3 years (some variations have Bruce picking him up at 11, some at 13, and it's listed as Catherine dying variously when he was 9, 10, and 12).

Now, I want you to imagine all of that. Just for a moment. I want you to try and put yourself into a young Jason's shoes.

When your father is around, he's violent, he yells, he beats your mother, and sometimes he beats you. But when he's around, he brings in enough money to keep food on the table. You have a roof over your head, you have food... At the cost of your physical safety, sure, but you know... He's there, and things are somewhat better.

But he goes to jail, and your mother spirals out of control. You're taking care of her, and really... Either you're stealing to pay for her drug habit, or she's selling herself to pay for her drug habit, and either way, that's gonna traumatize you, while you're trying to take care of her, because she's barely functional, barely even a person anymore.

But then she dies. And now you're all alone. You are -at best -a twelve year old boy, with no skills, no family, and no legal way of making money. You've got limited options, stealing, begging, or selling yourself (and we'll discuss that more in another post).

You survive this, as a child, for anywhere from a year, to three years. Meaning anywhere from an eighth to a quarter of your life, you spend scrambling to find a meal, scrambling to find some place to sleep, trying desperately to survive just one more day, so you can wake up and do it all over again tomorrow.

Now, most of us know at least one small child, or we've seen them in the store. The average ten year old male is about 50 inches tall. That's 4'2". For context, that's about the height of a hockey net. The height of an adult bike. Slightly shorter than the length of an average park bench. Take a moment, and think about a ten year old in your life. Or look at a picture of yourself at ten.

Think about being that little, that small, and having to take care of yourself while living on the streets. Of surviving a New Jersey winter. Imagine what you have to do, on a daily basis, just to survive. Imagine knowing that one bad day could literally mean you starve to death, or freeze to death, or get beaten by someone you have no hope of stopping. Again, in a best case scenario... this is your life for a single year. If we split for the average, you survive two years of this.

What would it take to survive that? What would it do to a young mind, still developing, still learning and growing, not even a teenager yet?

Guess what? Growing up like this? It doesn't create smol cute adorable beans who are happiness and sunshine personified. It doesn't create kids who never get angry, who are just perpetually happy.

Jason Todd was angry, long before he died, probably long before he became Robin. Anger isn't violent. These two things are not mutually exclusive. I can be angry about people starving, I can be angry about people abusing or neglecting their children, I can be angry about a lot of things, without being violent.

I've noticed a disturbing trend of Red Hood fans, who conflate 'Anger' to 'Violence', and can't seem to separate the two. These are the fans who insist that Jason isn't angry, he was only angry after the Lazarus Pit. (In a probably unrelated note, I've noticed these are the same people who insist that Jason's library is full of nothing but classical era feminist literature).

By saying that Jason's not angry, these people are erasing a big part of his characterization, and his early development. They are, in their own way, just as bad as the people who insist that Jason's just a violent little sociopath who kills just because he can. Neither of these extremes take into account Jason's early home life, growing up with domestic violence, then spending a significant part of his formulative years homeless, struggling to survive, and what that would do to a young mind.

#Jason Todd #Bat-fam #Character Study #Jason Todd Origins #Jason Todd Childhood #Catherine Todd #Willis Todd

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era404-skib · 4 months

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(Somewhat silly) Idea on an Alliance & Toilets vs Mothership Battle

So, before I lay out the battle concept, I need to state one theory I believe:

The Mothership is incapable of directly harming others. I believe it serves as a massive power bank / core for the Astros, hence why it didn't teleport in instantaneously like every other Astro - the amount of energy it holds is so high that it takes a while to transport that. Ramming isn't an option either because of its long teleportation time, and even if it could ram, it would risk cracking its defenses, releasing its energy and nuking itself from the force of the impact. Biting is probably not an option either as (a) we've never seen an Astro extend its neck as far as I can remember and (b) it would risk someone like TTV slashing off the neck and killing it. It's able to defend itself by the soldiers it powers and the heavy armour it has.

Now, for the battle concept. Here's where the silly part comes in: I'd like to briefly recount the Milky Way Wishes segment of Kirby Super Star Ultra.

To summarise it very shortly, Kirby has to go through some different planets to reach NOVA, this big machine thingamajig that grants whoever activates it a wish. Right as Kirby is about to make his wish to resolve an ongoing issue, Kirby is knocked to the side by Marx (no, not Karl) and his wish is stolen and Marx becomes fucking God in an effort to try and destroy Kirby. Kirby destroys NOVA from the core out because jokes on Marx, KIRBY is God, and he launches Marx into NOVA and then both it and Marx explode.

Now where this relates back to skib:

I want to see a scenario where TTV teleports TSpeaker back and TCam either escapes or TTV comes back for him. All the non-titan Alliance and Toilet members call a truce - so basically every single standard soldier and toilet they can fit with the Matriarchs, Elites and mutants leading the way as they invade the mothership through an opened door. They KNOW there's some sort of trap inside, otherwise the surrounding Astro troops wouldn't have let them in so easily - but desperate times call for desperate measures. Episode ends on their entry, with the door dramatically shutting behind them, engulfing the army in darkness.

The next episode shows us a POV from TTV - a small camera was attached on each of his little spiky things at the top of his screen so the viewers can look around the streamed footage from all angles (think of it like the 360° view on Google Streetview and Google Earth). TTV is seen teleporting TSpeaker to the Speaker Base (finally showing us what it looks like too :D) and comes back for TCam but can't find him anywhere. Suddenly, GT flies in, followed shortly by the containers attached to the helicopter skibidis. GT was searching for the G-Squad (they went in the mothership alongside the Aliiance) and a confrontation nearly breaks out between the two when TTV receives a message from the TV Scientist telling him to ally up with GT. VERY begrudgingly, the two form a temporary truce, as TTV defends the containers whilst GT breaks them open and attaches his "arms" and "legs" (moreso claws but whatever).

The next episode opens back on the mothership door shutting and the combined army being engulfed in darkness. Suddenly, there's a jolt as Polycephalies rips open the door, chucks it away without a care and jumps in. In the quick upgrades and repairs he received he has a massive expansion of screens and speakers that can extend from his back. Polycephalies and every single camera and TV in the army shine their lights as bright as they can, revealing a very large inner system of the Mothership. They begin to journey through the darkness as they discover zones that vastly differ from eachother - some are rusted, scrappy and are full of spikes and other hazards whilst others are clean and well kept but have extremendefense systems in place. Gradually, the population of the army begins to whittle down.

The next episode cuts to TTV and GT once more (now from a POV cam, not a TTV spike cam), GT finally assembling his upgrades and leaping into battle. Suddenly, a large metal structure teleports in at TTV's feet. TTV gets the memo and picks it up. He is able to twist one of his arms and takes it off safely, attaching the new one in place while hanging the detached regular one on his back. The POV looks at his tablet and flickers onto a livestream from inside the arm - showing Scientist TV having the time of his life controlling it. The arm powers on and begins to revolve at extreme speed - just as a large astro comes rushing towards TTV at lightning speed, which is quickly matches by the built in reaction speed of the arm, which drills into the Astro, leaving a cloud of scrap metal and dust. The arm turns into a trident and curves at the edges slightly - before stabbing the Mothership's spinning ring at a perfect angle. The rapid spinning comes to a stop and the Mothership can no longer fly - so TTV sets her down on the ground, only because there's Alliance members in there, vice versa with GT. In the same moment, multiple bomber Astros try to rush into TTV at that same instant speed with acid - but the reaction speed of the arm is too fast for them. It turns into an Entrapper Astro arm and picks them up before hurling them at the Astros nearby. All the Astros in the region have been destroyed, so TTV and GT stand by, remaining vigilant.

The next episode cuts back to the army inside the bunker, its numbers slowly dwindling. Suddenly, dozens of tiny Astros appear - and start knocking out the army one by one at rapid speeds - too fast for anyone to kill. The G-Squad, Matriarchs, Polycephalies, Elite TV, all the other TV's and the most units and toilets each could carry are the only ones that manage to speed off and shut a large door. The army is now faced with a large core area - many astro troops and defense systems await them and guard the core. I couldn't be arsed to write a full fight scene so just pretend they managed to maneuver around the defense systems and killed the Astros (perhaps Elite TV controlled them and made them fight eachother). They make it to the core, which is completely unprotected, and turn off the armour on the control panel, making the mothership and easy kill. The army, who felt the shake of the mothership being set to the ground, know a titan is out there - and know its TTV as he's uninjured. The TV's send a signal to him to cut open a latch now that the armour is gone and TTV does so. The army scrambles out before TTV picks up the mothership in one hand. Suddenly, TSpeaker flys in - not upgraded, but quickly repaired with some backups the speaker faction made for him prior to the Astro fight - helping TCam, of whom he has finally located, to come over. TTV let's the other two know of the truce with GT, and the 4 focus on annihilating the Mothership. TTV loans some energy to all the others - TCam now has enough to keep going, GT's core now glows again, and TSpeaker is hypercharged.

In the last second, the Astro Emperor (or juggernaut as alot of people call him) tries to stop them, but little does he know, his panic to save the Mothership has cost him his life too. The Titans and GT release core beams in unison - GT spams orbs at inhuman rates, TTV uses the absolute fucking obliterator, TCam uses the flamethrower and TSpeaker uses the beam. They hit the Emperor in unison and its shield completely breaks - and once the combination of all the core attacks hit him, the Emperor crashes down directly onto the Mothership. The Mothership begins to encounter multiple fatal errors from the crash and is about to power off to enter recovery mode and signal for more Astros to come and save her - but TCam, hellbent on vengeance after his injuries, attaches his jetpack to the Mothership and sends it flying back to space where it came from. Unfortunately for it, it doesn't seem to make it as before it surpasses the Atmosphere it explodes like a firework with the power of a nuke. Episode ends.

#eratags: skib #skibidi toilet #Holy SHIT this took so long to write #worth itttt #I think #I wouldn't call this the end of ST btw #I still left it open for more mysteries to be solved e.g. secret agent

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basiatlu · 1 year

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Hey! came across your art through hp fandom, really love the character design. maybe u already said somewhere but I couldn’t find, maybe not - can u please tell more about tools u use, your process in creating, stuff like that. Thanks in advance❣️

Hi!! Thank you a bunch, I’m glad you love my work that warms my heart. I am a hot potato with your flattery 💖☺️

This is a little long so I’ll put it below the break:

I currently work entirely digital in the Procreate app using an iPad Pro (3rd Gen). I used to use photoshop but then Adobe got greedy and I refuse to pay a subscription service for a drawing program I had already paid hundreds out of pocket to use.

My go to brush is the “MaxU Ballpoint Pen” from the Max Comic brush pack. Easily searched on google, he’s very well known in the community for his brushes and offers free ones sometimes I think. Here’s a demo of the brush mentioned and some of my other favorites:

For my process of a full illustration:

I go Concept - Thumbnail Sketch - Reference (if needed) - Sketch Part 2 - CleanUp - Flat (Local) Colors - Shadow Overlay - Finish & Texturizing (the glamor) - Highlights

It seems sort of long and tedious looking at my list now, but I don’t always bring a drawing into Thunderdome Art Piece Territory. Often they stay as part of my digital sketchbook. So then I stop somewhere around ‘CleanUp’ and Flat Color.

Here’s a video time lapse of a recent drawing to show you a quick glance at me cleaning up a sketch from the initial gesture/thumbnail. I don’t usually draw over the sketch on a separate layer - just erase it out of existence and draw it over:

Otherwise everything stays pretty loosely-goosey! It’s takes me a long time to bring it to this stage bc my drawing involves lots of little lines and building up darker edges with that ballpoint pen brush. Lots of pushing and pulling until I get the shape and edge I want, like an oil painting (if you’re familiar sorry lol).

Thank you for your ask and I hope I answered it decently! Anyone out there please feel free to drop any other art process asks and I’ll do my best to respond 💖✨ This was fun!

#shushbosh #art process #procreate brushes #boshdraws #art tips

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blueberry-lemon · 7 months

Text

I really loved this show.

I did a quick Google + Tumblr search and found out there's a vocal group of people who hate this show? Which is a huge bummer, and now I guess I won't google around about it anymore lol, but…I wonder if it's partially because of the show not meeting what their expectation was going in.

Nagato was my favorite character from the Haruhi series when I watched the show and read the novels in ninth grade. She was also, if we're being blunt, my first anime crush. So this show basically had me right in its sniper crosshairs from the second I accidentally stumbled on it.

I'll organize these thoughts into three sections: Non-Spoilers, Spoilers for the Anime, and Spoilers for the End of the Manga.

Part 1:

The Disappearance of Nagato Yuki-chan is a slice-of-life romantic comedy about a shy high schooler named Yuki Nagato (first name, surname, whatever you know how it is, I watched the dub because I love the Haruhi dub cast lol)

It's a spin-off of the Haruhi Suzumiya series, and clearly takes inspiration from an alternate universe introduced in The Disappearance of Haruhi Suzumiya, which is the film that ended the anime.

The biggest difference between this show and the Haruhi Suzumiya series is that this show does not include aliens, time travelers, ESPers, or anything paranormal. It's just about the characters having silly fun time as high schoolers.

It's a weird vibe to jump into at first, but I really liked it overall. Possibly a hot take, but I love how Yuki is written in this show and I'm relieved that they didn't try to take the "blushing shy bookworm Yuki" version from The Disappearance of Haruhi Suzumiya as a literal inspiration. The Yuki in this show is funny, full of interiority, relatable, and more talkative.

Character-wise I also love Asakura and Haruhi in this show. I was on-edge about Asakura's status as a main character but by the end of the anime (and the manga) she was one of my favorites in the whole cast. Also her dub actor absolutely kills it in every episode. Haruhi, for me, is a strong improvement here than in her own actual series. She's written with care, depth, and humanity while still keeping her personality recognizable. She's much more sympathetic (both our sympathy, and her sympathy too) and it makes it a much easier watch. One of my thorns about the original Haruhi Suzumiya series is how overly cruel she is in the original.

Mikuru and Koizumi get the short end of the stick in this one. Mikuru gets a few lovely character moments ("i'll close my eyes!" is my favorite Mikuru moment across any of these series) but otherwise, both of these characters are basically just one-dimensional gags.

The most tiring parts of this show are when they lean back onto the "kyaaa you fell into my chest" jokes and stuff like that, which were extremely present in Haruhi Suzumiya. It's dumb, and not super funny. Luckily they're not too frequent, and there are ways I can sort-of justify the reason that they're in there, but it'd be a stretch.

All-in-all, I recommend this show to anyone who has watched Haruhi Suzumiya or read the novels! Just make sure you know that it's a silly slice-of-life and not a sci-fi extravaganza. I would not recommend watching this if you haven't seen Haruhi first.

Part 2:

Spoilers for all episodes of the anime below.

I feel like there are two main ways that you can approach this show, and maybe it's part of the reason why it got some backlash.

Interpretation A would be like: this is just a wholly separate story that has absolutely no paranormal stuff and absolutely no connection to the Haruhi Suzumiya story. It's a completely standalone, mundane, romantic comedy about entirely new versions of the characters. Thus, it has the creative right to re-interpret these characters however they choose, and is not obligated to feel "in-character", or have a big "payoff" or "tie-in" back to the Haruhi Suzumiya story.

Interpretation B would be like: this is a loosely tied multiverse story that is actually connected to the Haruhi Suzumiya series. It's the story of some sort of bubble universe that Nagato (the alien from the "Haruhi" series) created so that she can be a normal girl and experience emotions and relationships. Or, at the very least, she can create a new version of herself and let that new version loose in the bubble universe to see "how things would have gone if I was born a different person" or something like that.

I went into the show with both of these interpretations kind of equally floating through my mind, and I think there can be a lot of fun to that! You can do whatever you want. In terms of the writers' intentions, I feel like Interpretation A is the reality. There is absolutely no textual evidence for a multiverse or paranormal connection, and there's a scene later where a character seems to debunk the theory out loud. I think the creators of this series really just wanted to have full reign on it, and not be shackled by a multiverse or a literal followup to the Disappearance film/book.

If you go into the show expecting a multiverse reveal, you might be setting yourself up for disappointment. That said, I got some good emotional mileage out of the first half of the show by just muttering "This is what Nagato Prime must have wanted…" to myself at the end of every episode. Lol.

With that out of the way: again, this show really clicked with me. The gags are often pretty funny, the English dub cast is stellar, and the animation is great. There are a lot of things about this art style and character designs that I actually prefer over the original Haruhi Suzumiya by Kyoto Animation.

The show (and manga) are also really great at throwing in little blorbo chibis that I think are cute and funny.

Overall it's just a chill fun vibe. It's nice to "hang out" with these characters again, which is what I think has always been the crux of this whole multimedia franchise. As I mentioned, I think characters like Haruhi (and debatably Nagato) are even more fun to watch here than in the original.

Also, of course: the opening and ending are great and I've been listening to them on loop.

All this amounted to a fairly fun show that I was mostly enjoying (especially that Valentine's Day episode! My heart!!!) but everything really clicked with me once I hit Episode 10: Someday In The Rain.

(reminder, this is the anime spoiler section!)

The show immediately takes a SHARP turn in terms of tone in this episode. After being goofy rom-com silliness across most of the previous episodes, we are suddenly thrust into a sense of uneasiness. Yuki has a fall, having almost gotten hit by a car in the rain. From here, things become dead serious. She's acting strangely, and it's unclear what's going on.

For unexplained reasons related to her accident, her personality has completely shifted. Now, her demeanor is much closer to that of Nagato the alien from Haruhi Suzumiya. And it is not played off as a fun coincidence.

The show enters real drama territory as Yuki is acting strangely and her friends become really concerned for her. The music is completely different, the cinematography feels more unsettling. I was on the edge of my seat, and really appreciated that the show tackled this completely sincerely. Then they hit us with the whammy of Episode 11, where we jump back into Nagato's thoughts and see the day unfold from her perspective.

This turn throws us into a multi-episode arc that lasts pretty much the rest of the show (although is really only a "mid point" in the manga.) Nagato is a new person after the accident. Although she has access to all of Yuki's memories, they don't feel like her own. She has a completely new personality, and is having a conflicted out-of-body experience piloting Yuki's day-to-day life. She has new desires, new interests, new fears, and a new outlook. Now, she has to form new bonds with Kyon and Asakura.

I really like how this plays out dramatically, but it's also just fun in its own right. It's like the creators being like "look, we can write the old robotic Nagato too", and to great effect. It forces Asakura and Kyon to challenge their assumptions and make a new friend. It also, eventually, gets some pretty good gags.

It also gives us a short, emotions-packed, "fast-forwarded" version of the story's whole romance. The love that blossoms between Kyon and this new version of Nagato is, at least for me, really resonant and believable. It also forces this Nagato to be more introspective and brave than her romcom-Yuki counterpart, because this Nagato is reckoning with something that Yuki doesn't: the fear of having dwindling time.

I really adore this arc and it gets me choked up. I thought they nailed it, and honestly this version of "stoic Nagato" is still more interesting to me than any version of Nagato from the original Haruhi Suzumiya series. Blasphemous hot take, I know.

If you subscribe to Interpretation B how I mentioned above, there's some fun here to have if you want to headcanon that this accident is somehow the alien Nagato exerting control over this bubble universe. Maybe it's a thought experiment for Nagato the alien is find out if Kyon could ever truly fall with her monotone and stoic self. Again, I don't think that's at all what the writer intended, but it's a fun headcanon.

I think there's lots of other ways to connect with this arc. We all ask ourselves who we really are under the surface. Do your friends like the "real you"? Can someone fall in love with the "real you"? How do you even decide what side of your personality is more real?

I also think that living in a digital world of smartphones and social media does pretty much force us to have these out-of-body experiences. We are able to replay our own memories as outside observers, and wonder if that was really us who did all those things that are enshrined in digital evidence. I could relate to the things that the new Nagato was toiling over, even if nothing like this has ever happened to me.

I'm sure there are dozens of other connections and interpretations you can make with this arc, including neurodivergence and plural systems and recoveries from real-life brain injuries and accidents. It gave me a lot to think about.

On a bummer note, the anime basically wraps up here. I don't know if they were hoping to get another season or what, but this arc basically ends up having to serve as the culmination and ending of the anime. I don't love that, because it kind of ends the anime on a weird note.

Part 3:

Spoilers for volumes 6 through 10 of the manga below.

The anime ending felt so quick, it had me dying to check out the manga. I had to know how this all ended. What happens after this crazy experience? Do Kyon and Yuki fall in love for real???

The remaining manga volumes were a joy to read. We get even more blorbo chibis, and even more Asakura-being-a-self-conscious-mom. We got to see Kyon and Yuki, back to her normal self, bonding and growing together through the rest of their high school.

The final volume/arc in particular, centering on Asakura, I thought was great and really brought her character (and Yuki) to a satisfying conclusion.

I don't know how romcoms usually end, but I was happy to have this one give us a very corny and sweet "well here's them at graduation and afterward" fast-forward through time. I live for that stuff. Also the stuff at the end with the different haircuts and learning to cook, it was great and it felt like it really propelled Yuki forward in a way that characters from the original Haruhi Suzumiya don't really get to permanently change.

I think the manga really benefits from telling the entire story of their high school career and not ending at the conclusion of the personality change arc. With this more zoomed out view, that experience was almost like a traumatic event that they both went through, which helped solidify their feelings.

Anyway, all of that is to say…I think this is a really cute, special story and I'm glad I dipped a toe back into my Haruhi Suzumiya phase to check it out. I know it's not the surreal sci-fi story of the original, and it deals more in "mundane" than in "novelty." But I think that's more what I was looking for, these days.

At the very least, Nagato's status as "favorite anime character" has been re-earned, and can now be defended for years to come.

#the disappearance of nagato yuki-chan #nagato yuki-chan #haruhi #haruhi suzumiya #the melancholy of haruhi suzumiya #nagato #yuki nagato #anime #review #blogofkylelab

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didhewinkback · 1 year

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OMFG I just read something old and MANNNN. You got me feeling all types of ways holy shit. The most I’ve ever felt reading a series holy cow. You are so fucking talented. Wowza. Please continue with the blurbs I feel like they are part of my life now.

Also does the fans know about Y/N and Harry’s current relationship? How did they feel when things were first announced after the wedding was called off and their relationship was exposed for the first time?

omg helllloooo you angel on earth !!! this message is soo lovely and kind and idk what i did to deserve it. i am so grateful that you took the time to write me and that you love the story so much!! i appreciate this message more than you knoow.

sorry this took me ages to answer as an apology i essentially wrote you a blurb pls see below

so per harry and erin's teams' agreement, the public never knew a wedding was supposed to take place. anyone who worked it had signed a pretty ironclad nda & all guests in attendance knew to stay silent about it, though some of erin's friends did try to go to deuxmoi at one point months later but that got shut down pretty quick. when the press release about the engagement ending came out, there was obviously endless speculation about it, discourse, tiktoks etc. people had a lot of feelings about harry and erin's relationship, they either absolutely loved the fashion power couple or they absolutely hated it and it was best to avoid any and all discussions on the matter, made easier by the break up being announced when you were on pause and doing your best to ignore any and all celeb news (though you did do some google searches at 3 am when you couldn't sleep but it immediately made you feel terrible so you avoided it like the plague, knowing if you needed to know something, harry would tell you)

as for your relationship, you both kept it realllly low key and private for the first year, wanting the broken off engagement to become old old news before anything got speculated about the two of you, harry was pretty adamant about ensuring no one connected you to the breakup. it was much easier than it sounds, he can really disappear when he needs to and it was important to both of you to protect what you had, shield it from prying eyes. his relationship with erin had been highly publicized and he had no interest in doing that again and you couldn't agree more, you've got no interest in that world or leaning into the public eye, so that first year was quite lovely, going on dates around london, moving in together around his birthday, 8 months into dating officially but conventional timelines never applied to you both. if you ever were spotted out together by fans, any speculation got shut down pretty quickly, people recognized you as his lifelong childhood friend and had no reason to assume otherwise, which worked in your favor when his tour started up again and there was tiktok upon tiktok about how "yes you've been to more shows than usual but jeff's at every show and no one thinks he's dating harry so why would they think it about you??" you avoided it all but roxy loved to take the piss, sending you screenshots every so often when you would show up on her for you page with a text "cannot seem to escape this bitch" to which you would reply "just how many videos of h's concert were you watching to get this on your algorithm?"

its in december 2021, the start of his few months off before the work craziness resumes, a lazy sunday morning. you're lounging on the couch, half heartedly clicking through netflix when you hear him come back into the house from his coffee run, hearing snippets of the phone call he's having getting louder after he kicks his shoes off and makes his way towards you.

"Yeah, I'll talk to her 'nd get back to you." he says, as he turns the corner, still bundled up with his beanie and hoodie pulled over his head, brow furrowed as he listens to the other end while still balancing the coffees and bag of pastries in his hand. "Yeah, for sure. Okay I'll call you back. Love you bro, bye."

He hangs up the phone, placing the treats on the coffee table before taking out his airpods and shuffling over to you. He hovers over where you lay, resting his hands on the back and arm of the couch before leaning in.

"Hi," he murmurs with a soft smile on his face, leaning in to kiss you.

You shudder when you pull away, the frost from outside having seeped into his face. "You're cold," you say with a small frown to which he immediately rolls his eyes and nudges his cold nose down the side of your face, pressing kisses all along your cheeks, forehead, jawline, until you push him away with a giggle. He smacks one final kiss to your head before pulling away, tugging his hoodie off his head and taking his beanie off to shake out his hair.

He leans back to grab the coffee off the table, handing you your cup while throwing the bag of pastries onto your lap before he grabs his own cup, lifting your legs temporarily before settling on the other side of the couch, placing your ankles over his lap. He leans back, resting his head against the back of the couch and closing his eyes for a minute, taking a deep breath. You assume you're the "her" he mentioned on the phone earlier but you opt to give him time, peeling open the pastry bag to see what he picked up.

"Got something weird to talk to y' about." he says, making you pause in your rifling efforts as you look over at him, finding him in the same position, his eyes still closed.

"Oookay."

He squeezes your ankle once, opening his eyes and rolling his head along the back of the couch to look at you.

"There was a pap yesterday. Last night. On our walk. Don't know how but - here." He pulls his phone out of his sweatshirt pocket, quickly unlocking it before handing it over to you.

You feel an uneasy pit in your stomach as you swipe through the photos, though there's nothing bad or damning or embarrassing about them. Objectively, they're quite lovely. The two of you bundled up through the blustery London night, his arm wrapped around your shoulders with yours around his waist, him pulling you into his chest as you laugh, his chin resting against your head, then pressing a kiss to your hair. You both look happy, really, really happy, completely unaware of any eyes on you. You keep scrolling through and - ah. There's the most revealing one, the two of you smiling up at each other before he pulls you into a kiss with his hands cradling your face.

You can feel his eyes on you, intently watching every emotion that passes over your face, thumb rubbing circles along your ankle. It's so weird, is the thing. To see this intimate moment between you two captured by a complete stranger who you had no idea was watching you. You've somehow managed to avoid this happening up until this point, the combination of lawsuits he has against paps in London and being able to blend in with the crowd having worked in your favor for the last year. It's a bizarre feeling, to feel like you got too complacent in your own life, should've been more aware of your surroundings. But also? Fuck that. You're not going to live your life differently because of what other people are doing or thinking. They're the ones with the issue, not you.

"'m so sorry," he says, 'Had no idea -"

"No no no," you say quickly cutting him off, as you hand him his phone back, sitting up and taking his hand when he offers it. "No need to apologize."

"Daily Mail and a few others got a hold of 'em, that was Jeff earlier. He and Sadie wanted to see if we wanted them to run any kind of interference." he says, small frown on his face as he plays with your palm, fingers drawing mindless patterns. "The photos are getting published regardless but like they could try to keep you as a mystery woman or summat -"

You snort, shaking your head as you rest your forehead on his shoulder, his arms wrapping around you and pulling you close. It takes a second of rearranging your legs before you're sat on his lap, his hand rubbing up and down your back. You pull back to look at him, hands coming up to cradle his face. He leans into the touch, turning to plant a kiss to your palm.

"You okay?" you ask quietly.

He nods. "Just don't like getting caught off guard like that. Don't like that people who don't know us will get to -"

"Yeah."

"And I don't want to fuck things up for you. Like your job or -"

"Everyone at work already knew. And those who didn't met you last week. Most people are barely on the internet there, I'm not stressed. " you say, sliding your hands to rest on his shoulders as he nods, brow furrowed in thought.

"'s gonna be intense for a bit. Might be good to hop on a call with Jeff and Sadie, see what boundaries we can set, control what we can control."

"Yeah, that'd be good," you say, your mind whirling as the reality of the situation sets in, photos of you kissing your boyfriend splashed all over the internet. Christ.

"Hey," he says gently. "Talk to me?"

"Sorry," you say, shaking your head. "I'm good. Just - it's a lot. It's definitely gonna be weird, nothing I can't adjust to but still just. Bizarre."

"Yeah." he says, his hand coming up rest at the back of your neck. "You look really fit in the photos if that helps."

You laugh, watching as the smile grows across his face, his thumb catching on your jawline.

"It does, thanks." you say, smiling back at him.

"'m really sorry this can't be easier. Being with me -"

"Shut up." you say, surprising a laugh out of him. "Please. This is nothing. Easy to ignore at the end of the day. All that matters to me is you."

"Same here," he says, taking a deep breath, lips twitching up. "All that matters to me is me."

"You're so stupid, I knew you were gonna say that -" you say, laughing as you slap him on the chest, trying to twist out of his hold but he pulls you back in.

"'s you, 's you. You know 's you darling, come here." he murmurs, smiling when you press your lips to his, gripping your neck a bit tighter as he kisses you back. You know you have to call back his team, figure out some logistics but that can wait. All you want is right here.

---

so yes, the photos get published, the fans freak out. lots claiming they always always knew, many spending their time trying to piece together the relationship timeline, no one connecting it back to erin thankfully. it helps that she is busy with her new billionaire boyfriend, (you almost clicked on their architectural digest tour the other day before deciding against it). but you both really ignore it all, keep going about your lives, nothing really changes because you don't let it. you both still want to keep your relationship out of the public eye as much as you can, it doesn't stop fans or paps from taking your picture when you're out together but its easy to ignore it, just focus on each other, ignore the noise and the crazy corners of the internet.

he rarely talks about you in interviews, confirming you're together, maybe a brief mention or two of his girlfriend but refusing to go beyond that. it's only in his zane lowe interview in late 2024 that he goes into a little more detail when describing his inspiration for his new album, but at that point he's calling you something entirely different :) :) :)

---

#didnt edit this one single bit do not judge me #something old #anon pls let me know what you think its allll 4 u baby #writers block been kicking my butt but this helped !#i missed them <3

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sugdenlovesdingle · 1 year

Text

It's finally done!

And only three days late!

my @911reversebang fic

California (AO3) inspired by the awesome art by redpinkdots

TK doesn't move to Austin with Owen after his OD but decides to check himself into rehab to get clean once and for all. Only reading websites is hard and things aren't exactly the way he thought they would be.

A/N: I got this idea the first time I saw the artwork and I was so excited when I got assigned this. But life™ kind of got in the way and I really struggled with this fic in more ways than one. Though I'm pretty happy with the result in the end and I hope you'll enjoy it too. And just FYI - all I know about both California and rehab facilities is what I've seen and heard in various tv shows and quick google searches... so it's probably hella inaccurate... but just go with it.

TW: Mentions of TK's overdose and addiction

TK opened his eyes and closed them again right away. The bright lights hurt his eyes and he groaned trying to remember where he was and how he’d gotten there. Because he definitely wasn’t in his bed in his apartment.

“TK? Are you awake?” a familiar voice asked but the fog in his brain wouldn’t lift enough for him to put a face and name to it.

“Welcome back mister Strand. You gave everyone quite the scare.” Someone else said and this time TK was sure he didn’t know them.

Someone, possibly the same person, adjusted his blanket and suddenly he noticed a beeping noise.

He opened his eyes a tiny bit and saw nothing but bright and white.

His brain needed a minute to process the information.

Hospital.

Again.

Shit.

He squeezed his eyes shut yet again.

“Hey, it’s ok. I’m here. We both are.”

“Dad?” he asked, or more like croaked. His throat hurt and his mouth was dry.

“Yeah, I’m here. It’s ok. You’re going to be ok.” He felt his dad squeeze his hand.

Someone grabbed his other hand and when TK turned his head to look at them, a white hot knife was slammed into his brain.

Or at least that’s how it felt.

He squeezed his eyes shut and breathed in and out a few times to get the pain to subside.

In through his nose, out through his mouth.

Suddenly a familiar scent hit his senses and this time he knew exactly what it meant.

“Mom?”

Her perfume was always a comfort to him. Ever since he was a little boy. Only now it reminded him of how much he’d let her down. Again.

“Yes sweetheart I’m here. I’m right here. You’re going to be ok. I’ll make sure of it.”

He slowly opened his eyes again and saw his mother sitting next to his hospital bed.

“What happened?”

“We were hoping you could tell us.” His dad said from his other side.

“Owen.” Gwyn warned him and then turned to her son. “You’re in hospital… they uh… they had to pump your stomach. Your dad found you in your apartment.”

“You OD-ed. You weren’t breathing. I had to use Narcan to bring you back.” Owen told him and seemed to struggle to swallow past the lump in his throat. “If we’d been just a little bit later…”

“But you weren’t.” Gwyn cut in, clearly eager to move the conversation along. “Just… try to get some rest and when you’re ready, you can tell us what happened.” She squeezed TK’s hand.

“What time is it?”

“About 4.30.” Owen answered after glancing at his watch. “Don’t worry, the nurses won’t kick us out after visiting hours.”

“No… I… I have to go.” TK said, trying to sit up and ignore the pain in his body. “My shift starts at 5. I have to go. I can’t be late.”

“Wow, wow, wow. TK calm down. Son. TK.” Owen tried, getting up from his seat and trying to make TK stay in bed.

“Tyler Kennedy Strand.” Gwyn started and TK knew he was in trouble whenever his mother used his full name. “You stay in that bed and rest until someone with MD behind their name says otherwise.”

TK considered his options for a minute and then relaxed under his father’s grip and sagged back against the bed.

Owen squeezed his shoulder.

“You’ve been through a lot. Just take your time. The guys understand.”

“They know?”

Owen glanced at Gwyn for help before taking a deep breath.

“What? What’s going on?” TK asked.

“Some of them were with me when I found you. The others I had to tell when you didn’t show up for your shift.”

“What? My shift starts at five.”

“No… Your shift started at five on Sunday. It’s Wednesday now. You’ve been in a coma for three days.”

“What? I… how… That… It can’t be.”

“I’ll leave you to it.” The voice from before said and this time TK glanced around and saw a nurse of around his age. “The doctor will be around later to asses you.” She told him and left.

“Asses me? What does that mean?”

His parents shared a look.

“I think they’ll want to do a psych evaluation… to determine if you need to be admitted as a suicide risk.” Owen said after a beat.

TK sighed and closed his eyes.

“Great.”

“Should they?”

He opened one eye.

“Should they what?”

“Admit you as a suicide risk?”

“What? No!” TK said immediately but the look on his parents faces told him he wasn’t very convincing. “I don’t know… I’m pretty tired. I think I just need to get some rest.” He turned away from Owen.

Unfortunately that meant he was now facing his mother.

“Does it have something to do with Alex?” Gwyn asked and TK felt his heart shatter all over again at the mention of his boyfriend’s name. Or ex-boyfriend now he supposed. “I know you were going to propose… and he’s not here now…”

TK threw an accusing glare over his shoulder at his father.

“You told her?”

“I didn’t realise it was a secret. You were all but shouting it from the Empire State building.”

“It wasn’t your news to share! I would have told her myself if there was something to tell!”

“So is there something to tell?” Gwyn interrupted, well trained in stopping arguments between her son and ex-husband before they could explode.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” TK said, pulling the blanket up to his ears and closing his eyes. “I’m tired.”

---

A few days, multiple tests, and a mandatory psych evaluation later, TK found himself back in his childhood bedroom in his mom’s apartment.

He’d fought his parents tooth and nail to let him go back to his own place, insisting he was fine, but they’d blatantly refused.

He’d overheard Owen making calls to clear his schedule so he could be there for him, and his mom had told him she’d be working from home for the foreseeable and it was up to him to decide which parent he’d move in with.

He’d picked her because at least she’d be working and wouldn’t be hovering over him 24/7 like his dad would if neither of them would have anything to do all day.

He knew it was because they cared, but he just wanted to wallow in peace.

He rolled over in the small single bed to check his phone. Mostly out of habit since it had died on him days ago and his charger was still on his bedside table in his apartment.

Deep down he knew that if he’d been left alone with a fully charged phone, he would have ended up doing something he’d regret.

Something like calling Alex and begging him to take him back. Or yelling at him and calling him every name under the sun.

Possibly both.

But he was petty enough not to want to admit that to either of his parents.

Suddenly a knock on his bedroom door snapped him out of his thoughts.

“Permission to enter without you taking your bad mood out on me?”

TK looked up and pushed himself up on his elbows.

“Enzo?”

“Hey kid, I come in peace.”

“What are you doing here? Did mom send you to check up on me?”

“I can neither confirm nor deny.” Enzo said, sitting down in TK’s desk chair.

“That’s a yes then.” TK said and sat up. “Wait, how did you get in? I didn’t hear the doorbell and mom is at the office.”

Enzo held up a keyring with several keys on it.

“There is this great invention called keys. They let you get into places without ringing the doorbell.” He joked.

“You have a key to this place?”

“Of course.”

TK narrowed his eyes.

“Are you and mom back together?”

“I can neither confirm nor deny.” Enzo replied with a grin. “And I’m not here to talk about me. How are you holding up?”

TK shrugged.

“Mostly bored. Daytime tv sucks and I’m getting sick of staring at these walls. But it’s better than mom and dad constantly hovering over me and checking up on me.”

“Don’t you think they have good reason to do that? It’s not like you stubbed your toe.”

“I know.” TK sighed and let himself fall back on his bed. “I just want to forget it happened. All of it. But I can’t. Dad put me on medical leave and mom made me come back here instead of letting me go back home.”

Enzo nodded.

“She told me.”

TK rolled onto his side, leaning on his elbow.

“She won’t leave me alone for more than an hour. She’s only gone now because she absolutely had to go to the office and couldn’t get out of it. And now she’s sent you to babysit me.”

“I’ve had worse afternoons.” Enzo shrugged.

TK let out a grunt and dropped back onto his bed again, trying to ignore the feeling of being thirteen and grounded for doing something stupid while Enzo tried to get him to talk about why he’d done what he did.

“I didn’t… plan it…” TK started after a while. “I just… I wanted… to stop feeling.”

“And taking a bunch of pills was the way to do that?”

“I know it was stupid alright? But I wasn’t thinking clearly.” TK admitted and sat up again. “I proposed to Alex and he turned me down.”

“Ouch.”

“Yeah. And then he told me he was in love with his spin instructor and they’d been dating behind my back.” He rubbed a hand over his face. “I thought we had a future together, he was just trying to get rid of me. I’m such an idiot.”

“You trusted the guy you fell in love with. That doesn’t sound so idiotic to me.”

TK shook his head.

“I always do this. I fall for a guy who doesn’t like me back or just wants something casual.”

“I know this isn’t what you want to hear right now…” Enzo started and waited until he had TK’s full attention. “But one day, and I hope that day will come soon, you’re going to meet someone who is as crazy about you as you are about him. And you’re going to be so happy. So happy that this will be nothing but a bad memory.”

“You’re right. That’s not what I want to hear.” TK told him and looked down at his duvet. “And it’s never going to happen anyway. I’m damaged goods. Nobody is going to want to be with me.”

---

“If you’re going to my place to get clean clothes you might as well take me with you.” TK pleaded with his father. “I’ll stay where you can see me the whole time, I promise. I just want my phone charger and my laptop. I’m not going to score, I’m just bored.”

It was a few days after his talk with Enzo, and after some pushing from his stepfather, he’d told his parents why he’d taken the pills.

It had both cleared the air and made them hover and smother him even more. He was going stir crazy and would do just about anything to get out of the apartment.

Owen hesitated for a minute but then sighed.

“Fine. We can’t keep you locked in here forever I suppose.”

“Exactly.” TK jumped up from his seat and went to grab his jacket. “Come on, let’s go.”

They decided to walk to TK’s apartment instead of getting the subway in the middle of rush hour.

“Maybe we can stop by the station on the way back. So I can let the guys know I’m ok and I’ll be back at work soon.”

“Back at work? Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Did you call that therapist for an appointment?”

“What? No. I don’t need one. I just need to get back to work. Like you said, I can’t keep hanging around mom’s apartment all day and you can’t keep getting Enzo to check up on me when you’re at work.”

“He offered to stop by! He wanted to catch up and see how you were doing.”

“Well I’m fine.” TK insisted. “And I’d be even better if you’d let me go back to work.”

“I will. Once your therapist signs off on it.” Owen told him and then lowered his voice. “You nearly died TK. You overdosed. I know why you did it, I know it wasn’t an accident, and I can’t let you go back on shift when you’re not in the right headspace. You’d be putting the whole team at risk.”

TK rolled his eyes and started walking faster, zigzagging between commuters and groups of tourists in an attempt to shake off his dad. It was petty and childish but in that moment he didn’t care.

He reached his apartment door with Owen far enough behind to not even be in sight, which pleased his inner angry teenager greatly. He put a hand in his pocket to grab his keys, only to remember he didn’t have them on him.

His dad had been to his apartment to get him a change of clothes when he’d been released from hospital and had taken his keys.

“Great.” He muttered and sat down in front of his door to sulk and wait for his dad.

Only when he heard footsteps approaching a few minutes later, it wasn’t Owen who came round the corner.

“Alex.”

“TK. Hey.” Alex smiled and TK hated that he still got butterflies in his stomach from just being near him.

“What are you doing here?”

“Just coming to see how you are. I don’t like the way we left things.” Alex explained. “I’ve been trying to call you but it keeps going to voicemail.”

“Phone is dead.” TK snapped. “And even if it wasn’t, I wouldn’t want to talk to you.”

“Oh come on TK. People break up all the time. We can still be friends, right?”

TK snorted.

“Friends? Do you really think I want to be friends with you?” He stood up. “You broke my heart, Alex. I loved you. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you! I proposed!”

“Yeah… well… you always were more into it all than me.”

“Just go Alex. Leave me alone.” TK sighed and turned his back to the other man, wishing again he had his keys on him.

“I uh… actually… needed to talk to you…? I uh… lost my sunglasses. The designer ones I bought last summer? Did I leave them at your place?”

“Are you for real?!” TK exploded, just as Owen rounded the corner.

“What’s going on here?”

“I was just asking TK if I’d left my sunglasses at his place.” Alex explained, trying to sound casual. He knew full well Owen didn’t like him.

“After he dumped me for his spin instructor when I proposed to him!” TK yelled. “You cheated on me for god knows how long and if I hadn’t proposed you still wouldn’t have told me!”

“That’s not true. I wanted to tell you. I just didn’t want to hurt you.”

“How considerate.” TK said sarcastically. “Just go away and leave me alone. I don’t have your stupid sunglasses. Maybe ask your other boyfriend if he’s seen them.” He held his hand out to Owen. “Keys please.”

Owen handed him the keys and put himself between TK and Alex, staring the man down.

“TK doesn’t want to talk to you and if you don’t leave now, I know some people in the NYPD who might want to talk to you instead.”

“Breaking up with someone is not a crime.”

“Maybe not. But harassment is.”

“TK just let me have a quick look around for my sunglasses. I know I wore them last time I came over.” Alex said, attempting to step around Owen to get to TK but Owen stopped him with a glare and a hand on his chest.

“I think you should leave. Now. Before I do something I regret.”

“Are you threatening me Captain Strand?”

“Wouldn’t dream of it. Now leave.”

After a minute Alex decided to cut his losses.

“Let me know if you find them!” he called out to TK before turning and walking down the stairs.

Owen rolled his eyes and walked into TK’s apartment, doing his best to ignore the place he’d found TK barely two weeks ago, pale, cold, and barely holding onto life.

Thankfully this time, TK was alive and well and shoving clothes into a bag.

“Do you need me to grab anything?” Owen offered.

“Bathroom.” TK replied, voice breaking as if he was trying not to cry. Owen decided to leave him be for now and just busied himself gathering TK’s shampoo and shaving kit.

Maybe they could make a quick stop downtown after all on the way back to Gwyn’s place. Seeing the crew might cheer him up and take his mind off things.

---

Despite Owen’s best efforts, TK hadn’t cheered up from a visit to their firehouse and had barely left his bedroom since they’d gotten back to Gwyn’s place.

He was worried about him and he knew Gwyn was too.

Almost a week had passed without TK making any kind of move to pick himself back up and Owen had convinced Gwyn to stage an intervention with him to pull TK out of his own mind.

That’s where they were now. The three of them sat at Gwyn’s kitchen table, staring each other down, none of them really knowing where to start.

“I don’t know what your plan was, but if it was just us sitting here, staring at each other, you can do it without me.” TK said and pushed his chair back and got up.

“TK. Sit down.” Gwyn told him and reached out for his hand. “Please. Your father and I just want to talk to you.”

TK sighed and sat back down.

“About what? That I should go to therapy? Or NA? That you’ll be there for me every step of the way? That it’ll be good for me?” He crossed his arms in front of his chest, gearing up for a fight.

“I got offered a job.” Owen interrupted. “In Austin, Texas. Rebuilding a firehouse that lost almost its entire crew.”

“Ok.” TK said after a minute of letting the sudden change of subject sink in. “Good for you, dad.”

“I think I’m going to take it.”

TK nodded.

“So you’re moving to Texas then.”

“Yeah… I… we… your mother and I… we both think you should come with me.”

“What? No way. My life is here. My friends, my job.”

“You’ll make new friends. Better friends.”

“Friends who don’t use.” TK deadpanned.

“Would that be such a bad thing?” Owen asked. “And you’ll have a job at the firehouse with me.”

“So you can check up on me.” TK said, daring him to disagree. “And why would I move to hate crime, USA? I’m gay, dad. And Jewish. Texas isn’t the most welcoming place for people like me.”

“I’m sure a big city like Austin isn’t so bad.” Gwyn offered. “If you want to go back to temple I can reach out and ask for recommendations for LGBT+ friendly places in Austin.”

“I’m not moving to Texas!” TK yelled and got up and started pacing. “I actually found a rehab place in California. I emailed them to ask if they have a place for me. I didn’t want to say anything until I knew for sure there was anything to tell, but if they get back to me and tell me I can come, I’m going. A few weeks of yoga on the beach and I’ll be fine. I’ll be able to go back to work and actually do the things I trained for instead of hanging around this place all day.”

“California?” Gwyn interrupted. “When did you find that place?”

“The other day. When we got back from packing up my stuff.”

“Ok. And what kind of place is it? Can you show me the website?”

“It’s just this wellness thing. I don’t have the details right now.” TK brushed her off and turned his attention to his phone when it buzzed in his pocket.

“If it’s yoga you want, I can go to yoga classes with you here. You don’t need to go to the other side of the country.” Owen offered. “Just no goat yoga. I’ve heard weird things about that.” He tried to joke to relieve the tension.

TK didn’t reply just focused on his phone.

“Everything alright? TK?”

“Uh yeah, yeah… I just got an email from that place in California I found… they have a place for me. I can start the program as soon as tomorrow.”

“That’s good isn’t it?” Gwyn asked “That’s what you wanted.”

“Yeah… I uh… just didn’t think I’d be able to start so soon.”

“You don’t have to go.” Owen said, trying to find the right words. “I mean. You can go to NA here, I can come with you. There are clinics and programs here in NYC too. You don’t have to do it all on your own. I want to help you. So does your mother.”

“I know dad… but I… I think I just… I need to get away. I just… need to put as much distance between me and… everything that’s bad for me here.” TK said as if he was telling himself why going to California was the best thing for him.

“Like Alex.”

“No. Yes. Not just him. This isn’t his fault. It’s on me.”

“Him being a lying, cheating…”

“Dad…”

“What?” Owen asked. “It sure as hell didn’t help, did it?”

TK shook his head.

“You’ve never liked him.”

“Clearly with good reason.”

“Tell me more about this place in California you found?” Gwyn interrupted, trying to get the conversation back on track. “What do they offer except yoga?”

“It’s… some kind of retreat. I think. I signed up pretty quickly so I wouldn’t change my mind.”

“But it’s a rehab facility?”

“Yeah. They have medical staff and they offer therapy. I think I’ll be good for me.”

“Why don’t you just come to Texas with me? We’ll start over together.” Owen offered. “I’m sure they have yoga classes in Texas too.”

“No, dad… I need to do this on my own. I want to do this. I want to get clean once and for all.”

“And you think going to California will help you do that?” Gwyn asked.

“Yeah. Yeah I think so.” TK told them. “And there was this guy in the academy with me. Evan B... something. He transferred to LA to be closer to his sister or whatever… I don’t really remember. But maybe I can message him when I’m done, see if there are any jobs going with the LAFD. Stay out west for a while.”

“You have a job here. And I can get you a job in Texas.” Owen said, earning him a glare from his ex-wife. “But if you think California is the right thing to do for you… we’ll both support you.

---

A few days, a maxed out credit card, a teary airport goodbye, an exhausting flight, and a three hour time difference to mess with his head later, TK stepped off the plane in California and went to the motions of reclaiming his bag.

He threw it over his shoulder and shuffled through the arrivals hall with the rest of the passengers. As soon as he walked through the doors, someone rushed past him. He wanted to snap at the guy and maybe throw in a snide comment or two, but then he saw him practically throw himself at another guy holding a heart shaped balloon and he had to look away. He couldn’t deal with happy couples right now.

Instead he made himself focus on looking for whoever the clinic had sent to pick him up.

He noticed a guy in a simple button down shirt and jeans instead of the usual corporate three piece grey suit holding a sign that, upon closer inspection, said Tyler Strand.”

“Hi. I think you’re here for me.” He told the guy, walking up to him.

“Are you Tyler Strand?”

“Yeah. I uh… go by TK actually. “Tyler Kennedy. Two first names. My parents have never agreed on anything in their lives, naming me was no different… this was their compromise.”

“Oh. Sorry about that. I just copied what was on the form.”

“It’s fine. Someone getting my name wrong is the least of my problems at the moment.”

“Yeah.” The guy said and cleared his throat. “ Uhm… Do you have everything? Your luggage?”

“Just this.” TK shrugged the shoulder his bag was hanging from.

“Alright. Let’s get going then. It’s not that far from here. Only about an hour and a half’s drive.” The guy told him and started walking. “I’m Carlos by the way.”

TK followed him out of the airport and to the parking lot where he unlocked a plain black car, thankfully without any logos or the name of the retreat on it.

“Just throw your bag in the back, it’s open.” Carlos told him and TK did as he was told before getting into the car.

They pulled out of the parking lot and soon they were onto the highway.

As much as TK tried to focus on the random pop songs playing on the radio, the guy sitting next to him intrigued him for some reason and he wanted to talk to him to find out more about him.

“So are you a therapist or just the driver?”

“I’m not a therapist.” Carlos told him, glancing back and forth between TK and the road. “Though I’ve been told I’m a good listener if you want to talk.” He shot TK a quick smile.

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

“I’m more of an activities kind of guy.”

“Activities? What is this, summer camp?”

Carlos laughed.

“Well… in a way. Though a bit unconventional. Maybe more like boy scouts? For adults.”

“I was never a boy scout.” TK shrugged. “Born and raised in Manhattan. The most exotic place my parents took me was the Bronx zoo.”

Carlos laughed.

“I’ll try not to hold it against you.”

They made small talk about the music on the radio, the latest celebrity scandal, an upcoming superhero film, and even the weather, until TK felt himself getting drowsy and rested his head against the window, planning to close his eyes for five minutes.

The next thing he knew was Carlos gently shaking his shoulder to wake him up.

“Hey, you fell asleep about an hour ago but we’re here.”

TK rubbed the sleep from his eyes and looked around.

“Right. Ok. Sorry about that.”

“It’s ok. You probably needed the rest.” Carlos gave him a friendly smile and helped him grab his stuff from the trunk. “Do you want to go over the paperwork now or do you want to get settled in first?”

“Papers.” TK replied right away. “Get it over with.”

“Alright, follow me.”

Carlos lead him into a building and down a few hallways. They met a couple of people along the way and Carlos greeted them all in passing. Though they all seemed to be staff rather than patients and it made TK curious.

“How many people are here.. for uh… help?”

“About 30 in total. Not that many.” Carlos replied, opening a door with a key card. “That way we have more time to curate people’s experience based on their needs.”

TK snorted.

“Did you just quote the website?”

Carlos shot him a grin.

“What can I say, I like to be prepared.”

He opened another door and entered an office and gestured for TK to sit down.

“Just give me a minute to find everything. I don’t usually do the paperwork thing and this isn’t my office.” He explained. “I don’t have an office.”

“It’s fine.” TK shrugged. “It’s not like I’ve got anywhere else to be.”

Carlos opened a few drawers and pulled out some forms.

“Ok, let’s get started. First question. When is the last time you used?”

“Anything?”

“Hmm.”

“On the plane here…” TK admitted reluctantly.

“What did you take?”

“Just… two little bottles of vodka from the drinks cart. To take the edge off.”

Carlos nodded and wrote down TK’s answers.

“Anything else?”

“No.”

“And before today? What was your drug of choice?”

“Anything I could get my hands on…” TK told him, pulling the sleeves of his hoodie down over his hands. Thankfully the track marks on his arms weren’t nearly as bad as they could have been, but he still felt self-conscious about them.

Carlos’s eyes flicked to his arms but he didn’t acknowledge the move.

“Ok. You said you overdosed in your application, what did you use?”

“Pills… they were easiest to get…” TK answered, squirming in his seat, regretting not choosing to go to his room first.

“Oxy?”

“Yes… do we really have to do this?”

Carlos put his pen down.

“You can fill it in yourself if you’d rather… but one of us has to somehow. These need to be filled in and filed before your treatment can fully start.”

“Right.”

“Look, I know this is a lot but it’s only going to get better from here.”

“Hopefully.”

“You don’t think you can do it?”

TK sighed and leaned back in his chair.

“I want to. For my parents. I’ve caused them so much pain…”

“But…” Carlos prompted.

“But… this isn’t my first time trying to get clean.” TK sighed. “I just… don’t know if I can do it. Maybe this is as good as it gets.” He shrugged. “I get clean for a few months and then just… find a reason to score again.”

“And why shouldn’t this time be different? Why shouldn’t this time be the time you kick the habit for good?”

TK shook his head.

“I don’t know. I’m pretty tired. Can we finish this another time? Tomorrow maybe?”

Carlos smiled and TK felt a little bit of the pent up anxiety slowly slip away.

“Sure. I’ll show you to your room.”

---

The next morning TK was woken up by someone knocking on his door.

He dragged himself out of bed and opened it to see Carlos standing there in work out gear.

“Morning.” He said happily. “Are you ready to start the day?”

“What?” TK blinked and tried to wake himself up enough to figure out what was going on.

“It’s a nice morning. We’re going for a run. The others are on their way too.”

“Others? Run? What?”

“It’s part of the program you signed up for.” Carlos said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. “Healthy body and a healthy mind.”

“I… I don’t… I… think… uhm… I don’t understand.”

Carlos smiled.

“Not a morning person?”

“No. Yes. I mean. What the hell is going on?”

“It’s time to start the day with a run. And then when we’re done with that we can finish the paperwork from yesterday before the afternoon program starts.”

“Afternoon program?” TK shook his head in an attempt to wake himself up. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“The program.” Carlos said and proceeded to run TK through an itinerary that exhausted him just listening to it.

“I… What’s going on?” TK asked “Is this bootcamp for navy SEALs?”

“Hardly.” Carlos snorted “But this is what you signed up for.”

“No… I think I’d remember joining the army.”

“I know it can be a lot on your first day but you get used to it soon enough. Trust me.”

“I… I think there’s been a mistake. I was under the impression this was more… yoga on the beach and spiritual awareness and all that.”

“Well… I do yoga in my spare time, I know a few poses. I’m not an instructor or anything but we can set something up after dinner maybe.”

“After going through special ops training? I don’t think I’ll be alive.”

“It’s not so bad. Honestly.”

“Somehow I doubt that. I guess I didn’t really read the website that well when I signed up. I uh… I’m sorry for wasting your time. I’ll figure out a way to get back to the airport and see if there’s room on a flight back east any time soon.”

Carlos crossed his arms in front of his chest and TK had to force himself to not let his eyes linger on the way his muscles moved under his shirt.

“So you’re just giving up? I didn’t think you were a quitter.” He uncrossed his arms. “But I guess it’s easier to leave than to admit you can’t cut it.”

“Excuse me?”

“It’s ok.” He shrugged. “Not everyone can handle this program. It’s good to know your limits. I’ll drive you back to the airport myself. Do you need to call anyone? The phone signal is kind of hit and miss out here. Mostly miss.”

TK knew Carlos was baiting him but he wasn’t one to back down from a challenge.

“Give me five minutes.”

---

TK considered himself to be in pretty good shape. His firefighter training made sure of that. He’d been in the top 5 of his class in the academy and could definitely hold his own compared to the more experienced members of his crew.

Only the program he’d apparently signed up for now seemed designed to actually kill him. He was sure even Navy SEALS would think it was too much.

The morning run wasn’t just a few miles in the area or even on a track, but through the woods near the facility. Uphill and down again. Avoiding tree roots, rocks, overgrown areas, and random holes.

They were running in a group but TK, as well as some other patients, were trailing behind.

Just as he was trying to figure out a route back to base camp as he’d started calling the clinic in his head, Carlos caught up with him.

“How are you holding up?”

“I don’t know. Fine.” TK panted. “Is this your tactic? Trying to kill me? If I’m dead I won’t think about wanting to use?”

Carlos chuckled.

“Has anyone ever told you, you can be pretty dramatic?”

TK grinned.

“Often. But it’s part of my charm.” He said and dropped down at the foot of a tree to catch his breath.

Carlos gestured to his coworker and the rest of the group to keep going and sat down next to him.

“So when did you decide to be an army drill sergeant?” TK asked, using his shirt to wipe the sweat from his brow.

“I’m a cop actually. Or… used to be I guess.”

“That explains a lot.”

“It does?”

“You like torturing people.”

“I like helping people.” Carlos insisted. “That’s why I left the force. A friend of a friend got me this job. I figured I could do more good here than arresting people for minor offences.”

TK nodded.

“That’s… very noble of you.” He settled on.

“Try telling my family that.” Carlos sighed. “My whole family is in law enforcement somehow. My dad especially wasn’t happy when I quit my job. He wanted me to follow in his footsteps, carry on the family legacy.”

“Yeah… I know a thing or two about following in your father’s footsteps.” TK said and leaned back against the tree.

They sat in silence for a while until they heard the rest of the group coming closer and got up to join them again.

---

“So how did you end up here? You don’t seem like the typical Californian surfer dude.”

Carlos laughed.

“What do they look like then?”

TK shrugged.

“I don’t know. Not like you. More… bleached blond and beady necklaces. And flip flops.”

“Well you’ve got me there. I’m from Texas originally. Austin.”

“Really?”

“Yup. I grew up on a ranch on the outskirts of the city.”

“A ranch? So you’re a farmer? Or a cowboy?”

“Neither. Both. It’s complicated.”

TK nodded.

“Does complicated have a name?”

“Yeah. Dad.”

It had become a thing. Whenever they could get away with it, TK and Carlos would just hang out and talk. No pressure from the group sessions or the one on one talks with his assigned therapist, but just the two of them.

Since he’d gone through the worst of the withdrawal in hospital back in New York, his treatment mostly consisted of working on his mental health. And thankfully for him, talking to Carlos did just that. They had a similar sense of humour, similar complicated relationships with their families, and just generally got on well.

He’d told him about Alex, Carlos told him about marrying his best friend in an attempt to please his family.

“How did that work out for you?”

“Badly.” Carlos shrugged. “I mean we’re still friends… and my mom had a framed picture of us on display with the rest of the family pictures. For a while I told myself that meant I’d done the right thing. But it wasn’t.”

“If we were allowed to drink here, I’d buy you a beer and we could raise a glass to making bad decisions to please our parents.”

---

A few days later, the group TK was in was going on a hike with an overnight stay in the woods near the clinic.

TK was less than enthusiastic about it, and told Carlos as much (repeatedly) as he helped pack tents and other gear.

“Just think of it as going camping.” Carlos offered. “It’ll be fun. Connecting with nature and stuff. Maybe I can even smuggle in some ‘smores.”

TK gave him a blank look.

“I’m from NYC. I grew up in Manhattan. My parents are workaholics. What makes you think I ever went camping as a kid.?”

“You mean you never pitched a tent in central park?” Carlos joked. “Or maybe swam in that fountain you see in every movie?”

“I’ve done a lot of things in Central Park…” TK started. “But somehow never that.”

“Well, maybe you should. It’s good to have a goal in life.”

“Only if you come bail me out when I get arrested.”

“I don’t know, it’s kind of a long commute from here.”

TK laughed and ducked his head. Their talks had started to get a little, or a lot, flirty and he was fairly confident Carlos liked it as much as he did. Liked him.

Only every time TK thought the other man might make a move, or when he was hyping himself up to do so, Carlos would come up with some excuse that meant he had to be as far away from TK as possible for at least a couple of hours.

He wanted to ask why but also wasn’t ready for a simple answer like Carlos just not liking him like that.

So instead he said nothing and just admired Carlos from a distance and made himself talk to other people.

Which was going fine until about 15 minutes into their hike when one of the other patients tripped and fell down a hill.

TK’s first responders training kicked in and he rushed over to them, skidding and sliding down the hill.

“Let me have a look, I’m a paramedic. Don’t move.” He told the woman. He’d talked to her a few times and vaguely remembered her name was Hannah and she was from Wisconsin. He tried to examine her as best he could without his medical gear. She had a head wound and her leg was obviously broken.

He noticed someone coming down the hill after them and didn’t have to look to know it was Carlos.

“I have a first aid kit. It’s got the basics.” He said, unzipping his backpack.

With Carlos’ help, TK managed to treat Hannah’s injuries while one of the other staff members radioed for a medevac to get her out of there and to a hospital.

“Someone needs to get up there to show the helicopter where exactly we are. It’s the only place they’ll be able to land.” Carlos said, nodding at a an open place higher up from where they were and turned to TK. “How are you with heights?”

“Fine.” TK shrugged. “I’m a firefighter.”

“I thought you said you were a paramedic?”

“I am. Both. I’m dual certified.”

“Really? That’s impressive.”

They carefully climbed up to the landing spot and with help of the rest of the group and the paramedics, they got Hannah onto the helicopter and on her way to the hospital.

“You two make a pretty good team.” Luke, one of the other patients said, and TK found himself agreeing with him.

“Yeah, we do, don’t we?” Carlos said with a smile.

---

“We’ll set up camp on the other side of this river.” One of the other staff members announced as the group walked up to a river a while later.

“And how do we get there?” TK asked, fearing he already knew the answer.

“We cross it.”

“By bridge?”

Next to him Carlos laughed.

“Did they teach you to swim in firefighter training?”

“They did not actually. The only water I handled in that was the kind that’s supposed to save you from burning to death in abandoned warehouses.”

“That’s… oddly specific.” Lexi, the other staff member commented.

TK shrugged.

“It’s the easiest thing to set up for training recruits.”

“Anyway.” Carlos clapped his hands. “I hope everyone can swim because we’re going through the water to the other side of the river.”

“And how do we do that with all of the stuff we’ve been dragging around?” TK asked him.

“You tell me.”

TK raised an eyebrow.

“This is beginning to feel more and more like summer camp. Or boy scouts.”

“I thought you’d never been a boy scout?”

“I’ve seen them on tv.”

Carlos laughed.

“Well in the beginning you were calling this basic training for Navy SEALs so I guess you’re getting used to it all.” He winked and TK suddenly didn’t mind the hiking and the camping so much anymore.

After some arguing and general chaos, the group managed to work together to create some kind of raft to get them and their gear to the other side of the river, without swimming.

Only the raft wasn’t very stable and when it was TK’s turn, he leaned to one side too much, causing the raft to flip and him ending up in the water.

Thankfully it was a warm day so he didn’t mind too much. But he could’ve done without making a fool out of himself in front of Carlos.

Carlos who was getting into the water with him to help him get his stuff onto the river bank.

Carlos who looked unfairly gorgeous in a wet t shirt.

“Are you ok?” He asked TK who was trying to swim to shore with some of his dignity intact.

“Yeah. Just a bruised ego.”

After the rest of the group made it across in one piece, they all helped Carlos and TK get out of the water and see how much of their stuff was still ok to use.

“I think you two should just go dry out in the sun for a while.” Lexi told them. “We’ll lay out your tent, TK, so it can dry too.”

“My tent is big enough for the both of us.” Carlos cut in. “We’ll lay your sleeping bag out in the sun and we’ll just share my tent. If that’s ok with you?” He asked TK who was about to actually jump for joy.

“Sure.” He replied, hoping he sounded a lot more casual than he felt. “I promise I don’t snore.” He joked.

“That’s ok. I can sleep through anything. My sisters used to share a bedroom next to mine when I was a kid and they fought a lot. The walls were paper thin.” Carlos told him as he and TK made their way over to a sunny spot by some rocks near to where the rest of the group was setting up the camp.

TK sat down and closed his eyes, tilting his face up to the afternoon sun.

“We should probably get out of these wet clothes.” Carlos said after a few minutes.

TK opened his eyes and looked at him plucking at his wet t-shirt, obviously uncomfortable.

He grinned.

“Are you trying to get me naked?

“What? No, no, no. I just don’t want you to catch hypothermia. And neither do I.”

“Well, you know the best way to warm up is sharing body heat.”

Carlos looked at him for what seemed like hours and TK could practically see the cogs turning in his head, working through the various replies, trying to find one that was still the right side of professional.

Fortunately or unfortunately, he wasn’t sure, some of the other patients joined them and their little hang out for two turned into a group therapy session.

“Oh my god, look at that!” TK exclaimed a little while later. “Don’t move guys, you’ll scare him off.”

Carlos followed TK’s line of sight and noticed a small lizard sitting on a nearby rock, observing the intruders in his territory, trying to find out if they were a threat.

“Look at him, he’s so cute.” TK slowly crawled over to the lizard. “Hey buddy. Did you come to say hello?” He carefully moved his hand to try and pet the animal.

“Careful. It might bite.”

“Not if it doesn’t feel threatened. It’s just coming to take a look. He’s just a curious little guy.”

“You like reptiles?” Luke asked, the look on his face making it clear he definitely didn’t.

“Yeah. They’re gorgeous and they can make such great pets. I had a friend in middle school who had a leopard gecko. It was so cute and smart. I was over there all the time.” TK said excitedly. “I practically begged my parents for a lizard for my birthday from then on. I did all the research and worked out where to buy food and everything.”

“Did you ever get it?” Carlos asked.

TK shook his head.

“My dad wanted a dog and my mom had and still has a parrot called Ginsburg.”

“After Ruth Bader Ginsburg?”

“Yeah. My mom’s a lawyer and a politics junkie.” TK said absentmindedly, while still trying to befriend the lizard. The entire group watched with bated breath as he slowly moved his pointer finger closer to the lizard’s head.

Only right before he could have touched it, the lizard decided it had had enough and scurried off.

TK pulled a disappointed face and sat back down.

“Better luck next time.” Luke offered and TK nodded.

“Yeah. Maybe I’ll get a lizard when I’m done here and going back home.”

Their little group spent the rest of the afternoon talking and just enjoying being out in nature.

By the time it started to get dark, they moved back to the place where they’d put up the tents and everyone got comfortable around the fire.

They talked, shared stories of their lives back home, and offered each other advice and support.

As the night went on, one by one people started calling it a night until it was just Carlos and TK left by the fire.

“Alone at last.” TK said as he moved to sit next to Carlos. “I thought they’d never leave us alone.”

Carlos glanced at him at smiled.

“Are you not enjoying spending time with your fellow patients?”

“They’re alright.” TK shrugged. “But I’d rather spend time with one person in particular.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. He’s kind, helpful, sweet, a great listener, and absolutely insanely gorgeous.”

Carlos bit his lip.

“You’re not so bad yourself.”

“I’m a mess.” TK shook his head.

“Maybe. But you’re a hot mess.” Carlos told him, the late hour and the bubble they found themselves in apparently turning off any filter between his brain and his mouth.

TK felt his cheeks heat up but decided to throw caution to the wind and make his move. He leaned in, looking down at Carlos’ lips and back up into the soulful brown eyes that made his heart flutter.

The moment his lips met Carlos’ he felt himself come alive in ways he hadn’t ever thought possible. It started off as nothing more than a press of lips but soon grew more heated as TK ran his tongue along Carlos’ lips until he opened up for him.

He licked into his mouth while his hands had found their way into Carlos’ hair, running his fingers through the soft curls as Carlos ran his hands over TK’s back, pulling him impossibly closer.

Somewhere in the back of his mind TK knew someone could catch them at any given moment, but the feeling of finally getting to kiss Carlos after weeks of quietly pining for him was too good to stop and he wanted more.

He moved his hands from Carlos’ hair, down to his waist and slipping them under his shirt, letting them roam over his chest and stomach.

Carlos pulled back and started kissing his neck and TK discovered he was really into that.

Only when TK’s hands moved lower and started blindly fumbling with the button on Carlos’ jeans, somehow the spell was broken and the moment was gone.

Carlos jumped up and touched his fingers to his lips.

“This… can’t happen.”

“Why not?” TK asked, getting up and taking a step towards him. “We both want it.”

“I’m supposed to be helping you. I can’t take advantage of you like this.”

TK rolled his eyes.

“It’s not taking advantage if I want it.”

Carlos shook his head.

“We can’t. I… I can’t jeopardise your sobriety like this.”

“My sobriety is my own responsibility. That’s what this program is teaching me isn’t it? To take responsibility for my actions. This is me doing that. I want to kiss you and I know you want it too.”

TK took another step forward and closed the distance between them. He slowly leaned in and put his hand on Carlos’ cheek while looking him in the eye.

“I want this.” He said before pressing his lips to Carlos’ in a soft chaste kiss that couldn’t be more different from the first one.

Carlos seemed to almost melt under his touch and TK felt his resolve slipping as he started to kiss him back.

At least until his brain caught up with the rest of his body and he pulled away again.

“I can’t. I’m sorry I shouldn’t have… I just… I can’t. If anyone finds out I’ll get fired so fast… I’m crossing so many lines.”

“I don’t care. I like you. I want this.” TK told him.

“I do care.” Carlos said, almost begging him to understand. “I want to help people get their life back on track. I can’t… do this. I’m sorry I shouldn’t have… I screwed up. I’m sorry.”

“Do you not like me?” TK asked when Carlos had to pause his rambling to take a breath.

“I do. I like you a lot. And if things were different I wouldn’t hesitate to take you out on a date or cook you dinner… But I can’t take advantage of the situation like this.”

“But you’re not.” TK said, trying to make him understand. “You’re not.”

“I am. I’m supposed to help you. I’m supposed to… I don’t know… guide you. You’re a client. I’m in a position of power.”

“What if we just forget that? Just for tonight. And tomorrow we’ll just go back to how things were before.”

Carlos gave him a small smile and TK could tell he was seriously considering it.

“I wish I could.” He replied. “But I don’t think I could go back if I let myself get lost in you. You are… a force to be reckoned with TK Strand. And I wish things were different. I wish we’d just met in a bar or getting a coffee downtown. I wish I could get to know you without all of this.”

“You could. You can. The program is almost over. Nobody has to know. I won’t tell if you don’t.” TK told him and stepped closer again. “Please don’t make me beg.”

Carlos smiled and ran a hand through TK’s hair.

“You deserve the world.” He told him. “And don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.”

Carlos stepped away and disappeared into the tent, only to come back out with his sleeping bag almost right away.

“I’ll sleep out here. It’s supposed to stay dry anyway.”

“Carlos don’t be ridiculous.”

“I’m not. I can’t share a tent with you and not touch you. I don’t think I would be able to control myself.”

“Then don’t.” TK pleaded and he could tell Carlos was this close to giving in.

He took a deep breath and made himself step away.

“If things were different…” He looked at TK and shook his head slightly. “It’s better this way.”

The rest of his time in California, TK spent mostly on his own, mourning something he’d never really had.

A few other patients noticed he and Carlos weren’t attached at the hip anymore and his assigned therapist noticed his mood had changed.

He fed all of them some line about being homesick and ended up calling his dad and agreeing to join him in Austin.

On his last day, Carlos was nowhere to be found and TK told himself to accept he just wasn’t interested.

He said goodbye to the friends he’d made and made them promise to look him up if they ever found themselves in Austin Texas. He’d slipped a note under Carlos’ door telling him the same.

“Station 126. Just ask for me.”

One of the staff members TK had only seen but never talked to drove him to the airport and wished him the best.

When he landed in Austin, his dad was waiting for him and pulled him into a hug the moment he walked through the doors after the luggage reclaim.

The house Owen had bought looked like something straight from a home improvement show and TK did his best to make it feel like home.

The dog he’d adopted was a nice distraction and TK took it out on long walks to explore Austin together.

His new coworkers were nice enough and after a few weeks of working together they’d become a close knit friend group.

He hadn’t told them about Carlos however. He hadn’t told anyone. That kiss was his memory and his alone.

Though maybe he should take Paul and Marjan up on their offer of going out to explore the Austin nightlife on their next day off.

Maybe there would be someone to make him forget about Carlos, even if just for one night.

---

“I’m just saying, when in Rome. Or… when in Texas.” A young woman in a hijab said to a black man standing near her as they cleaned the fire engine. Carlos watched them through the open bay doors for a moment before taking a deep breath and walking in.

“Hi… I’m looking for TK Strand. Does he work here?”

“That depends. Who’s asking?” the woman asked.

“I’m Carlos. I’m a… friend from California.” He settled on, not sure how much TK’s coworkers knew about him.

Confusion flashed over the woman’s face and she looked at the man who just shrugged.

“Ok. Wait here. I’ll go see if he’s available.” She instructed him and turned around and walked up some stairs.

When she returned a few minutes later TK was right behind her.

He stopped at the bottom of the stairs and just stared.

“Carlos? What are you doing here?”

“You told me to look you up if I ever decided to go back to Austin… here I am.”

“I… Yeah… I can see that.” TK stammered, still not quite believing what he was seeing.

The woman and the man from before were still lurking, ready to jump in the moment they deemed it necessary.

“You ok TK?” the woman asked.

“Yeah, yeah it’s fine.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah. He’s alright. He’s not the guy from New York.”

The woman nodded.

“Alright. Just yell if you need anything. There are a bunch of firefighters up there who have your back.” She said, not quite talking to TK anymore.

“I know. Thanks Marj.”

The woman nodded again and walked back up the stairs, the man following close behind.

“She’s…” Carlos trailed off, not sure what to say.

“Yeah. I told them about my ex… and my OD.”

“Oh. Good. I didn’t say anything because I wasn’t sure what you’d told people here…”

“Thanks, but I’ve decided to stop hiding who I am.” TK shrugged. “My addiction is always going to be a part of me. Hiding it won’t change that.”

Carlos nodded.

“That’s… that’s good. I uh… I’ve decided to do the same I guess.” He told TK.

“Not hide your addiction anymore? I didn’t think you had one?”

Carlos shook his head.

“No. I mean… I’m not going to hide who I am anymore. I’m just… still kind of figuring out who that is.”

TK smiled.

“Well… the person I met in California was kind, a good listener, gentle with a slight sadistic streak.” He joked and they both laughed. “What are you really doing here Carlos?”

“I quit my job in California. I’m back in Austin.” Carlos explained. “I’m staying with a friend right now until I get a place of my own.”

“Ok.”

“I just… I know it’s been a few weeks but… I can’t get you out of my head.” He stepped forward and reached out to grab TK’s hand, smiling when TK let him. “I’d like to get to know you… without… everything… from California.”

“But the stuff from California didn’t just go away when I completed the program.”

“I know. But I also know there is more to you than just your addiction.” He took TK’s other hand in his. “Remember when I told you I’d want to cook you dinner and take you out on a date?”

“The night you insisted on sleeping outside because I’d kissed you? Yeah I remember.”

“It was the right decision at the time… but… now things are different… so… if… if you’re still interested… maybe we could… go on that date sometime? And you’d let me cook you dinner?”

“That depends, will you end up sleeping under the stars again?”

Carlos laughed.

“Maybe. If my friend won’t let us use her place. I’ll have to sleep in my car.”

“Do you have a big car?”

“No. Not exactly. I drive a Camaro. Looks cool but limited space for sleeping.”

“Well hopefully your friend will be in a good mood then.”

“Yeah… so is that a yes?”

TK smiled.

“Yeah. It’s a yes.”

Carlos’ smile got impossibly bigger.

“How does Friday sound?”

TK let go of Carlos’ hands and cupped his face.