#a lot of sympathetic moments that i can feel compassion for him because like. god. sorry for how long it is. hope you will not suffer badly

[volfoss]

hiii meow 🔥

i am going to give u a guy that would be obscure even if volfoss was popular bc people hate old man cunt serve or whatever

this is frokiston and he has every disease. i havent seen a ton of him yet (so this will not be long which i think is for the best. but he has a lot of the ummm. features that aki and from what i understand of astarion have which is why i think you'll like him). hes basically the leader of Ikuaipe (which. quick pause to get into politics before i continue. because unfortunately its important and the politics do tie into him due to his position in society). the map is there to well. hopefully help it be easier to understand the politics im so sorry (and also because his head is kind of cut off like this. jumpscare of old man face)

so. volfoss politics 101: three big countries: ikuaipe, asdenia, and caldealand. asdenia and ikuaipe are at war by the time you hit act 2 over the fact that asdenia basically stopped exporting rare metals that ikuaipe used for drugs (for like. no reason rly but its been VERY shitty for ikuaipe bc they either have to smuggle it over or experience very bad withdrawal symptoms) and depending on what route you take (there are 5: asdenia, caldealand, ikuaipe, good, and bad), the war itself is properly started/furthered due to differing events (a monster in one, frokiston's seeming kidnapping in other. we will circle back to that). one of the really nice things abt volfoss is how even when you take one of the country's sides, you'll still see the other country (and in a sympathetic light too. like theres nuance there basically). the political structure of each nation is different (so like. with caldealand, theres a prime minister, king and queen; asdenia has weird shit going on where its like? the arch priest seems to kind of be leading or somewhat. its weird man idk. and ikuaipe has frokiston as the king, gust as like his evil inventor or whatever and veycer under him as the lead of the military. this is all important im so fucking sorry. there will not be a quiz at the end)

you have made it OUT of the politics section and now i can talk about him as a character. he's very interesting to me due to his self sacrificing natures (which is why i immediately thought of him when you sent an ask in). the two most prominent examples is in the ikuaipe route, when the war starts (or is about to), he puts himself in risk to go talk to Tiece (who's the archpriest of asdenia) (this journey is like. the entire length of the world. ill toss a map in above to help keep all this straight and also to show for reference why this man is making a VERY dangerous sacrifice), all because he just doesn't want the war to start. literally EVERYONE is like hey. this is a really dumb idea. dont do this. and he just is insistent bc its for the good of the country. i kind of hesitate to be like oh found family moment bc thats not really the case, but he's very much a figure that veycer can look up to and someone who veycer turns to before he leaves, because NEITHER of them want this war really. but frokiston is level headed but is there for veycer as he's coming to terms with the fact that the war may be necessary in order to get the rare metals in order to help their citizens. and then um well. he gets kidnapped/disappears shortly after this (on this route at least. idk about the 3 routes i havent done/the rest of this route) and that is enough for veycer to basically kickstart the war into high gear, as he assumes asdenia did SOMETHING to him and would do anything to get him back. and i think um well if you think about the tragedies and all w aki. that the parallels are there.

we are onto part TWO of the self sacrificing natures. when on the asdenia route, he's the final boss. also he has had body modifications here. unclear as to what they are but it could be really anything. tossing that light hearted fact in before i hit you with the horrors. into the horrors now though :3 so all through the asdenian route, you see veycer kind of butting heads with frokiston on this because frokiston does NOT want this war. he will do anything for peace but eventually it gets to the point where he realizes it has to happen. and hes very upset about this bc its painted as veycer is a bit more supportive of the war happening, and frokiston just kind of like. being there and being kind of miserable about it for a bit because he really can't do anything (as we see in the ikuaipe route, its not really safe for him to leave the capital, so he's just stuck there).

but the self sacrificing point comes after you beat him. he pretty much says that ikuaipe has no future now, and shows gratitude towards shalvas for being a good fight at the end of his life. and here is when we start to see the self sacrificing tendencies RAMP up. directly from my summary bc well. "He pleads with Shalvas to finish him off and then he will show his body to everyone. His plan is that if they do that, Veycer and the others will stop fighting. Frokiston wants no more lives to be sacrificed." He literally fully believes that showing his body will stop everyone because the fact that their leader was defeated would make everyone just. stop. Sheala (who's one of the Ikuaipe army commanders. she's great you'd love her) is also there, and he is SO relieved to see her because it does genuinely seem like he cares about them (veycer and sheala are siblings) a lot and worries about them. one of the higher up people in ikuaipe (turi-marrya. sorry there are a million names. shes important and u would love her ok. i promise) is the only one who can really persuade him that he shouldn't throw his life away for this, and sheala has to basically persuade him that he's the only one who can stop gylor (leader of the asdenia military) and veycer from continuing to fight. Turi has to pretty much beg Frokiston to live, and again from my notes:

"Frokiston pauses to think for a very long time, before finally saying “...I… Maybe I was trying to escape from death by embellishing my words beautifully. Should I make amends? It is very sensible to think of it that way.” Turi says his name and he finally comes to a decision, saying that they need to go to Veycer right away, and that after that, both he and Veycer will formally declare their surrender. Turi replies, “Bless your courage, Your Excellency Frokiston.” He rejects that, believing that if he looks brave, it is because of Turi. Frokiston feels encouraged due to the lack of doubt in Turi’s words."

but i think his interactions w veycer and sheala are so interesting, and especially turi. like shes a very blunt person and cannot hide her emotions well, and that being reassuring for him, that she knows for sure that he can help. its very interesting to me (read: typing this up made me get 5 million times worse about the characters)

he's also just kind of like. a silly guy at times. he goes to the tournament earlier in the game, and Gust has invented some like. super fast powered transporter. and is sure using frokiston as a test dummy for it (objectively funny of gust like. hes like well um ^-^ it functions but this was the test run) and hes just like completely ok with it and thought it was fun. i do not know all of his deals and issues yet but i think the position hes in and his diseases would appeal to you :3 and SOMEONE needs to fuck that old man (or something idk.)

[ladymorghul]

https://www.reddit.com/r/HouseOfTheDragon/comments/18tuzyc/how_will_this_affect_rhaenyras_psyche/

"I think it will be a Catelyn Stark -like scene. Arryk will plan to kill one of the boys, Rhaenyra will enter, throw herself at him with a scream and hinder him for a few seconds (grab his sword arm). Then Erryk will arrive and fight him."

I can totally see the writers doing this. In the book it was unclear who was the target and Arryk never reached the rooms anyway. Can you imagine the fans reactions and comparisons with B&C? In ep1 B&C happens after Rhaenyra mourns Luke, the Greens will probably have their usual crumbs of screentime and no proper build up, we'll be lucky if we'll see Helaena with her children twice before B&C. Then in ep2 the Greens have a funeral (and I'm worried if Aegon and Aemond even will be there), Aegon executes the ratcatchers (also this episode will have a lot of other stuff like Blackwoods vs Brackens and Daemon in Harrenhal, Addam appears for the first time, Cregan and Jace will have scenes, etc), and then we see an attack on Rhaenyra and her youngest children... I was hoping the Cargyll duel would be in ep3, but ofc these writers wouldn't let the Greens have the audience compassion even for one episode. It's not allowed in this show, it's like they quickly turned the attention from Aemond's eye to Rhaenyra's arm (and made Alicent feel guilty for it for the next 6 years) because god forbid the Greens would have a sympathetic moment.

i don't have much of an opinion on this because regardless of that scene, i believe the narrative we've seen in s1 will continue in s2 and people are deluding themselves whenever they act like it won't be. more screen time doesn't mean narrative will change. anyway, what i actually wanted to say is that you missed one detail... the execution of the ratcatchers will likely be also from a perspective of evil. remember how they casted ratcatcher lady no. 1. yeah... lol

like i'm not saying that it's okay for random innocent ratcatchers to die to begin with, no no, but the casting of random lady ratcatcher took me out lmao

[llycaons]

ep48 (1/3): thank fucking god jc and wwx are finally talking it out

this was sweet. when does lwj ever defend someone to wwx rather than vice versa? but he dutifully reports than wen ning didn't do this happily

wwx rolling his eyes like 'oh GOD here we go again'

okay okay but I am so excited for this because I truly believe this is jc's absolutely best scene best monologue best interaction with wwx in the SHOW. finally everything coming to light! finally communication! finally a solid closure to the rage and grief that has torn them apart! but first it displays all of jc's issues and problems so so clearly

and it start off with jc bitterly praising wwx for being such a saint. which I really enjoy on a writing level, because it's very self-aware. it's easy as a reader to think that jc should bow down in gratitude, but jc as a character has a lot of pride and judges things very differently - he's a living, breathing, thinking character who has his own beliefs, principles, grudges, and motivations

I don't even know how to describe this. mocking praise? it's very characteristic of jc of this arc. sarcastic, insecure, and bitter, keenly aware of wwx's achievements and virtues and resenting him for them. idk what he wants wwx to do...obviously he's not thinking rationally but wwx can't help being good at stuff

he's making wwx entirely responsible for his feelings. not even 'you did this and I felt this way' but 'you are this way and I'm different and it's your fault that I'm not as good'

not even forgiving the debt owed from all those decades ago, even knowing the truth! he also has a big victim complex - even when wwx was being disrespected and even abused in ways jc wasn't, he still remembers it the way it'll suit his needs. no capacity to consider wwx's troubles or suffering. absolutely no emotional imagination. not that being low-empathy makes you a bad person, but the way he acted has never been part of a healthy relationship w wwx

this moment captures him SO well. while castigating wwx about jin ling, jin ling himself tries to reach out - to comfort or dissuade. and jc throws him off, impatient and angry and entirely focused on the object of his revenge rather than the living child he claims to be trying to protect, the child who's right there asking for his attention

this also feels very self-aware of the writing. almost...lampshading? not the right term. it feels fair and right that one major character close to wwx, and sympathetic despite his behavior, is holding wwx to task for this. I am obviously on wwx's side, but it makes sense than people would be upset but what happened and it feels very honest to allow jc this bitterness and anger rather than forcing everyone in the story to immediately forgive and love him. it adds texture and complexity to the characters and the world, and it makes actions like lwj's more significant. jc was never going to be the partner wwx needed, and that's extremely important to the story

another fair accusation. on the other hand it was pretty clear wwx was majorly depressed after the war and while jc might have been angry with him for drinking, he only responded with punishment instead of, idk, compassion for the other sibling who lost his entire home and family? jc didn't talk to wwx either

I read this as jc angry with himself for not being able to truly hate wwx, and blaming wwx himself for...not being hateable? it's very convoluted. jc needs so much therapy

CLOWN MOMENT

wwx touching lwj's hand to prevent him from jumping to wwx's defense, jl interpreting lwj leaning forward as him about to attack, and jc tearfully saying "I can take him!! you think I'm scared of him?" a lot going on here

oof. ough

there it is 😭 circumstances of the past aside, I'm glad they made it this point

...is that a smile? I can't even tell I swear

and NOW he's calling HIMSELF pathetic for even caring that much. my guy I think easing off on being judgemental towards yourself and your loved ones might help

JIANG CHENG APOLOGY EVENT CATCH IT ONCE EVERY TWENTY YEARS 🎇🎉🎈🎁

I can't tell if this is putting distance between jc and wwx (bc wwx is saying he did it as payment) or bringing them closer (bc wwx is saying there's no need for jc to regret or agonize over the past anymore)

I forgot how satisfying this scene was. wwx went through so many trials and despite the residual trauma, he really feels like he's able to move on. and that can include jc too

🥺🥺🥺

I believe in yunmeng sibling reconciliation!!! this was a really hopeful and honest and cathartic discussion and I feel really good about their future relationship. I get caught up in the scenes before this and I just a lot of jc fic writers on it, but after this scene I can def see their dynamic becoming much less antagonistic. wwx isn't joking about his pain or making excuses for jc or talking about how much he likes to be mistreated - he's gentle and honest and real. and he wants to move on. finally. finally they got there

[featherquillpen]

Liveblog of the #21: The Threat audiobook

I listened to the (excellent) audiobook of Animorphs #21: The Threat yesterday and liveblogged it to @joysweeper on Discord. Here's what I had to say:

I think the acting choice to have David sound annoying in 20 was good because Marco hates him.. But I don't like that he also sounds annoying in 21. I think now is the time to lean into him being sympathetic

God I love the moment in 21 when Cassie calls David out for calling Tobias a bird racist. Cassie doesn't get to call out racism often in this series but I love it whenever she does.

Listening to the holiday inn bit and have many thoughts. I am actually totally on David's side that it's okay for him to squat in an unoccupied room, though breaking the window was dangerously indiscreet. Jake's insistence on following the law rings pretty hollow to me in his desperate circumstances

But the bit that really gets my hackles up is when David seems to think it's not a problem or a sacrifice at all that Tobias and Ax have to live in the woods. That's just so heartless to both of them

But it's very well written because his dismissal of Tobias and Ax's hardships foreshadows his moral justifications later that it's okay to kill non humans

It's a very clear difference that Jake feels compassion for Tobias and Ax and David feels none. Sure some of it is experience, but I would say that the sympathy for Ax's situation was pretty immediate for all the Animorphs when they first met him

I am very struck by how mealy mouthed Jake's scolding is. If a homeless person has a means to undetectably enter a hotel room I would say go for it. The hotel can afford it, fuck em

Ax honey how did you get to book 21 without learning what a hat is

But also, I am very intrigued by his horror at the notion of showing war on TV

Cassie is such a fucking mvp this whole trilogy

She did her best to help David settle in the hayloft

She manipulated David on the helicopter

She helped Marco demorph

She bit David, a wolf biting a lion, when he tried to sell out to Visser Three

She came up with the whole wretched awful David rat scheme

She saved the day so many fucking times and also she committed an unspeakable crime. Wonderful

And the whole time David thought she was harmless

It's so interesting that Jake was completely fine with boiling defenseless Yeerks in early book 6 and morally disturbed by it in book 21. His experiences with Temrash and Aftran changed him

The David trilogy slaps so fucking hard. It's just nonstop bangers. Not a dull moment

MacLeod Andrews (the audiobook narrator) is really nailing the emotional moments. The contrast in tone between private thought speech dissing David and publicly praising him is perfect

David's self pitying speech about how he's lost his whole life while standing over the presumptive corpse of Tobias is just so… Chef's kiss. Tobias sacrificed so much more than him. And David doesn't even consider him worthy to live

The action scenes here all go hard

There's a real theme of illusions in this book. The holograms. The fake Tobias corpse

An interesting AU to contemplate is one where David didn't pretend to kill Tobias and just peaced. He could have gotten away. Probably could have evaded the Animorphs forever. It's interesting that he didn't.

I guess ultimately he didn't because he resents the Animorphs too much. He needs to prove that he is better than them

Poor Ax though. The trilogy doesn't dwell on his pain here. But I think a LOT about how he must have felt hearing that Tobias was dead

Jake was the wrong person to have this mall showdown with David. Marco would have morphed cobra, snuck up on him, and poisoned him dead. Marco's ego doesn't require the showdown. Same with Cassie, she would have gone sneaky. But Jake is too like Rachel.

[technowoah]

Revolutions Always Fall

You should've learned from L'Manburg. The Butcher Gang was a mistake.

- REQUESTED!

- I tried to put 2 requests in one here.

- its really long 🤧🤞🏽

Prompts!

13) "You made me lose all my faith and trust in you"

38) "They warned me about this.” “About what?” “You.” 

47)“Are you satisfied now...?”

⚠︎ memtions of blood, voilence, fighting, swearing, Technoblade's execution episode. Angst.

Masterlist!

Dear Technoblade,

I wont make the same mistakes again

- an old friend. ♤

Technoblade was always a threat, and you learned that from L'Manburg. You had befriended him when he joined Pogtopia and very quickly you two seemed to click. He saw the world through different eyes and that intrigued you. You wanted to be him, live life the way he does it for just a day.

He was a killing machine, he was smart tactical, but still had the thirst for blood that made him be so smart and tacitcal with how he kills.

You on the other hand were not a big fan of killing, but this war was an exception. This war made you practice, it made you angry, it lit a fire underneath you that you didnt know you had. Along with the other members of Pogtopia, Technoblade helped you fight, how to wield a sword, knife, gun, anything that you can get your hands on you turned it into a weapon, you Soon enough you had mastered weapons and you werent so passive.

You questioned yourself if this was living through Technoblade, the need to fight, hunt, to protect. You felt poweful. As you hold your own crafted swords in your hand you know what you can do. You could do so much damage with this sword, he gave you that sword. It wasn't special at all but you made it special, because in your eyes it was.

"You can do so much with a sword, people just don't know how to use it to its fullest potential. They dont know their full potential either. But now you do."

Thats what he said to you in between those stone walls called Pogtopia.

After what he said to you had done so. Used the sword to your full potential, used anything to your full potential. You wanted to be more and more you became.

"You ready?" Technoblade smirked.

"Hell yeah Im ready to kill that bastard." You smiled

"Woah-oh! You weren't saying this a couple months ago."

"Schlatt deserves it. That's not L'Manburg. This is L'Manburg." You stretched out your arms to the others who were gathering armor and polishing their weapons for the battle yet to come.

You smiled knowing this will all end soon, you wouldn't be in a cave anymore, you wouldn't have to hide the fact that you knew where Wilbur was and that he was planning the attack, Pogtopia will be no more and L'Manburg would be back.

"L'Manburg will be back." You said while taking a sword out of a chest.

"Sure." You heard him scoff beside you.

"What's that supposed to mean?" You asked slightly offended. Wasn't he fighting for the same thing?

"I dont know. Revolutions always fall." He turned his back to you and walked away leaving you to your own thoughts.

You hated it. He was right, he was always right and you hated it. And everyone else did too, they knew he was right. It wasnt what the majority wanted, we wanted L'Manburg while he didn't want to be held by government in the first place. That's what he meant that day in Pogtopia.

L'Manburg, one defeated, was now growing once more. After the "end" of L'Manburg you couldn't forgive him. Your anger and the feeling of betrayal kept growing and growing everyday, every time you picked up that damned sword he gave you. It was the best sword you had, you had enchanted it multiple times. You had to use it, but the only thing was the memories that came with it.

Your anger only worsened as time went on, having to hear about Technoblade and how he was such a threat to L'Manburg only made you want to destroy him and the past you two had created. That would be the closure you needed, but someone was already three steps a head of you.

In spite of your anger you and Quackity had the most magnificent idea to make a gang to finally kill Technoblade for the sake of L'Manburg. The idea was to go confront him at his house and take him back to L'Manburg for an execution. You were on board with the idea 100%. This was better for L'Manburg and better for yourself, finally someone who got you.

Quackity and you planned tirelessly to try and get Technoblade's location and bring him back. The Butcher Gang was made from the cabinet of L'Manburg. During these long days you two grew closer, you two were so different in ways of thinking, but you two shared the same end goal which worked out in your favor. You two went through hell and back just to find out that the easiest way to get to Technoblade was sitting in L'Manburg right at that moment. Philza, some may say Technoblade's only friend at the moment. He was loyal to Technoblade and you dont blame him at all, but you needed to find out where his companion was.

It was all going well, the Butcher Gang had put Phil on house arrest and Tubbo had found a compass that led them straight to Technoblade's location. Everything was going well and according to plan, you didnt want to show it on your face as you saw Technoblade's house from the spot in the woods the Butcher Gang was hiding in, but you wanted this so badly. You didnt where he was going to be, he could've came and bestowed more destruction. It was like knowing he was there, but not knowing when he was going to strike.

The anxiety that came with not knowing where Technoblade was always with you, but now it wont be.

The Butcher Gang ended up taking Technoblade by force back into the city. You were proud that you were all able to get the blood hungry pig-man to come back with you all. He was behind bars with an anvil hanging high over his head. As Tubbo gave his speech your short lived happiness soon faded as a man appeared and smoke filled the area. You started to get attacked by what seemed like Dream and Punz while Tubbo continued to yell for Quackity to pull the lever to finally kill Technoblade.

"Pull the lever Big Q!"

"Kill him Quackity!" You yelled with him.

He did it. The anvil fell fast towards Technoblade's body, but as fast as the anvil landed on him his skin, bones, and blood regenerate and return to its normal state. Your eyes widened as the totem in his hand began to disintegrate into gold dust.

"DAMMIT!" You yelled in agony while Ranboo and Fundy continued to fend off Dream and Punz until they retreated.

Once they did you realized Technoblade was gone, you saw him in the distance running away from the scene, but you couldn't let this happen. You couldn't let the fear of Technoblade being out there doing God knows what forever. The fear of him boiled in your heart as you broke out into a sprint towards Technoblade.

As you ran into a more secluded area you heard footsteps behind you. You glances back to see Quackity following your lead with an axe in his hand. Slowing down a bit you both ran side by side.

"Let's get this son of a bitch!" Quackity huffed as you both came across a cave.

You both knew Technoblade was in there so you both prepared for the mental and physical pain you would both endure. This wasn't like the Butcher Gang where it was 5 against 1, it was 2 against 1 and you've seen Technoblade fight this fight before.

"You ready to kill this bastard?" He calmed his breathing down.

"Of course I am." You kept your eyes foward.

You walked deep into tha cave to see 6 chests and a sign that said "final control room", that bastard. Wanting to be quiet you tried to sneak up on Technoblade, but Quackity's anger got the best of him.

"What the fuck is this Technoblade?! What the hell are you doing here?" He asked gripping his sword too tight.

"It not what it looks like." Technoblade airly laughed. He had an enchanted pickaxe in his hand and an open chest with netherite armor.

"How the hell did that anvil not kill you?!" Quackity yelled.

Technoblade started laughing, he was laughing, he was taunting us. "Do you really think that death can stop me? That you could kill me that easily."

Your emotions tried to get the best of you as you tried not to let frustrated tears fall onto your cheeks.

"How did you do it? What... How did you even do that?"

"You think that can stop me Quackity?" Technoblade asked again.

"Just answer the fucking question!" You yelled before either of them could speak. It was silent for a while before Technoblade slowly spoke up.

"A totem. I used a totem of undying. I always have it on me." He smugly said.

He continued on. "You know what?! You know what? Ive got a lot to say, I was gonna say it at the trial, but we got a little bit interrupted. You know I tried convincing you guys that government was not the answer, the government was actually the cause of all your problems!"

You rolled your eyes as he continued his infamous speech.

"I tried to convince you guys by fighting alongside you as brothers and you cast me aside, you used me. I tried to use force, but you still formed a government! And when I went into hiding, when I retired, when I swore off violence, you hunted me down, you hurt my friends." Technoblade finished.

"Techno you dont understand what we're fighting for!" You started finally finding your voice. "I thought you were for us! You were always against us!"

"I was always for you! I needed you guys to understand!"

"We needed YOU to under-"

Technoblade interrupted you. "You dont understand me! You never did!"

"At least I fucking tried and you gave me so much shit for it! I wanted to be you Technoblade. I wanted to see life through your eyes, I was fascinated by how you walk, fight, your mind."

Your anger began to subside as you continued to speak. "But, you made me lose all my faith and trust in you."

Technoblade laughed again. "Same here! You guys left me! Betrayed me so-"

"So the feeling is mutual." You growled.

It was quite for a minute, but you could feel Quackity's sympathetic stare as you poured your feelings out to a man who dosen't even matter to you.

"They warned me about this." Your arms gestured to the area the three of you were in.

"About what?" Technoblade scoffed.

"About you." You stared at Technoblade. It wasn't a glare, it was more calm.

"Quackity, Tubbo, Fundy...Even Ranboo." You airly chuckled.

You had stopped talking trying to get yourself back together. Quackity caught that you weren't talking anymore so he spoke up.

"What we have up there is a country and what we need here is organization and power. And I dont care how long it fucking takes me or what I have to do to get you Techno. Im going to fucking kill you. Im going to kill you Technoblade." Quackity gripped his axe in his hand.

"I just have one question Quackity." Techno smirked.

"What do you have?" Quackity responded and you took the sword out of the sheath hanging on your hip.

"Do you think you two are enough to kill me? Even unarmed with iron armor?" Technoblade closed the chest that held netherite armor signaling he didn't need that. "Do you think you both could take me?"

"Oh we do." You spoke up. "We need this, Technoblade."

"You know what?" Quackity rose his axe and you followed suit. "Lets find out you son of a bitch!" He charged towards Technoblade and you followed close behind.

Technoblade started running out of the long cave, but you two followed. He threw potions on the ground as he turned around and fought us head on. You were able to get a couple of cuts and hits on him, but he was cutting you more with his pickaxe.

The thing about Quackity was that he thought he was invincible. He kept going full force towards Technoblade, hopefully he would focus on him so you could finally get a critical hit on him. Your heart rate kicked up as your face came too close to his pickaxe. And it kept going, each swing he took towards you became closer and closer until Quackity slashed his arm with his axe.

Technoblade whipped his head his way. "I have a pickaxe and I'll put it right through your teeth!"

Technoblade swung his axe and slashed Quackity's face, including his eye. He then turned his pickaxe to the flat side and swung it, hitting the side of his head. The blow to his head sent him flying against one of the walls of the cave, knocking him out.

He then turned to you and in a flash you could tatse the metal of his pickaxe as it swiped across your face blinding one of your eyes as well as Quackity's. He had hit you on the side of the head like he did with Quackity. Your body was aching as you fell to the ground, your mind slowly shutting down. You were loosing a lot of blood quickly, and so was Quackity. You two knew you were going to find the strength to get out of this cave and follow Technoblade's path out.

You laid on the cave's cold floor realizing that this was a mistake. You were too loyal, easily swayed, you were a follower. You never knew when to stop, from L'Manburg to Pogtopia to The Butcher Gang you seeked things you couldn't have. You couldn't have L'Manburg, neither Pogtopia, you couldn't kill Technoblade and ease your fears snd anxieties. You need to seek that some where else.

Your mind began to slip, and you fell into unconsciousness.

You should've learned. He was right. Revolutions always fall.

The Butcher Gang was a mistake.

Dear Technoblade,

I remembered the day. It still pains me. The day you spawned those wither. I thought you were the traitor, but turns out I was wrong at the time. Im sorry for that.

I also remember when you left me for dead. But I made it out as you see.

But now I am resigning from L'Manburg. Im going my own way, my own path, and I don't want you on my path.

Think of this as closure, something I never got. As I am writing this I dont know why I am giving you closure, lifting a weight off of your shoulders, you dont deserve it.

I know people say that to you alot.

You really made a dent in this damned place.

I hate what you're doing. You get to live in solitude while we get to live in the debris you left here. I wanted to be like you.

I hate to say it, but I learned a lot from you. I hated what I learned, about myself, about you, about the current state of this horrible place.

I wont make the same mistakes again

Are you satisfied now?

- an old friend ♤

[redrobin-detective]

give lilies with full hands

“Ghosts at the cemetery, why am I not surprised?” Valerie grumbled under her breath as she glanced at the glowing dots congregating near Heavenly Gates, Amity’s largest cemetery. It was just after 5pm on a Friday; Valerie should be at home getting ready for a fun and relaxing weekend. Instead, she was speeding forward in the dreary pre-rain mist about to tackle a hoard of the undead. Her life was so strange and unfair sometimes it just fueled her hatred for everything ghostly.

As she approached the cemetery, she slowed down and had her ectoweapon up and ready to shoot. Instead of a fire fight, she found an eerie, unsettling quiet that sunk deep into her bones and made her unable to move. She just hovered above the cemetery and took in the full scope of the scene. The Fentons were here, hard as they were to miss but like Valerie, they were also frozen with unease. Mrs. Fenton kept fiddling with her weapons but couldn’t manage to lift it in a meaningful way. 

The fog hung heavily around the cemetery, clinging like wet paint dripping down an unfinished picture. She could make out the unnatural glow of several ghosts, a few of which she recognized. That annoying child pirate ghost none of the adults could ever see was sobbing silently, curled up in a fetal position on the ground as if he were trying to make himself as small as possible. The biker guy and girl were cuddled into each other, leaned up against a grave looked scared and worn, flickering dangerously like static on TV. Val spotted Ember looking frightened and quaking looking like she wanted to run but was unable to. Her soft glow alerted Val that there was another ghost she’d initially missed.

The ghost was more shadow than anything, the fog moving through and from them. They were a swirl of greys and blacks in the approximation of a long cloak covering their face entirely. Pinpricks of bright lights shone from underneath the cloak’s hood. They bore down on Ember as if it were seeing deep into her soul and found her lacking. 

Phantom was there too, he looked almost normal compared to everything else going on so it’s not surprising she’d missed him at first. The fog dampened some of his ghostly glow and he was standing properly instead of floating. Like Val and the Fentons, he seemed unable to move. The heavy drizzle in the air flattened his normally gravity defying hair. If she hadn’t known better, she’d say he was a normal person standing there, albeit one with weird fashion sense who went a little crazy with the bleach. And if Phantom looked human in comparison then just what was this new ghost?

“Amber Jablonski,” The ghost whispered quietly within the cemetery but Valerie could hear perfectly well, as if were being spoken into her ear. From the shivers she saw come from the Fentons, they were experiencing the same thing. Ember moaned, something deep and agonizing. She fell to her knees as more of her glow faded. “An eager musician just making a name for herself in her small town. A performance at a barn had faulty wiring. The building caught fire and Young Amber was trapped by debris and unable to escape.”

The flame in Ember’s hair burst into brilliant blue flames before painfully sputtering out like a candle on the verge of going out. A wisp like ghostly hand reached out and tenderly ran a finger down the side of Ember’s face like a mockery of the tears she could no longer shed. “Cause of death was severe burns across her whole body and smoke suffocation at the age of 22.”

“Enough,” Phantom announced suddenly, stepping forward through the ghostly arm putting himself squarely between Ember and the wisp ghost. The dead rockstar barely noticed, her whole form trembling as she looked down at the cold earth with absolute horror. Val wondered if she was feeling the cold of the cemetery or the burning heat of an out of control fire. “You’re killing her.”

“She is already dead,” the ghost answered, “as are they all. They are but echoes of lives come and gone.”

“That doesn’t mean you have the right to remind them,” Phantom said, looking more ghostly again. His aura flared suddenly and his eyes lit up like angry lightning bugs in a jar. “Death is sacred, it’s private and you’re using it to hurt them.”

“It is my duty, I am the Mortem Obire. I make the restless dead confront their own mortality, remind them of what they lost.” The ghost stared down Phantom who flinched but overwise stood his ground. “It is because of you, Danny Phantom, that I have been summoned to this realm. Your life essence has made these ghosts forget what they were. They flock to you, drawn to your vibrancy, seeking what they’d lost. The dead were straying from their existence, emboldened by your example, they were forging new purposes. I am merely correcting their assumptions to preserve the delicate balance that maintains the two worlds.”

“But death shouldn’t have to define them, I mean us,” Phantom pleaded. “They can grow if they want, experience new things. The end of life isn’t the end.”

“How very human of you,” the other ghost said breathily, an unnatural imitation of a chuckle. “Your death, if we can call it that,” the ghost said, “was born out of innocence and ignorance. Nature demanded the experiment fail but your naivety allowed for the flow of life and death to be disrupted. You looked at a machine you could neither understand or control and made the attempt anyway. Your hubris consumed you in the form of electricity, pain firing through your whole body as you screamed for a relief that never came. Your old body was obliterated and remade into the abomination you are now.”

Oh god, Phantom was electrocuted. He had lived his last moments as a human screaming and in pain. She knew he was vaguely around her age but it was one thing to know a kid her age had gone through that and another to hear it described. Without thinking, she lowered her weapons. 

“Yeah I know that,” Phantom said weakly. “I took out the power in the whole city for a few hours which I felt bad about afterwards. What’s your point?” His glow was completely gone, the wet humidity of the air clinging to him much like how it fogged up Valerie’s suit. The shadow of the sinking sun made his white hair look dark and the greens of his eyes had faded into a less unnatural blue/green. 

The only think remotely otherworldly about him was a faint pulsing glow coming from the center of his chest. It beat like a heart, a soft brightness that seemed to dispel the overwhelming feeling of death. Ember looked up from the ground, the pirate kid uncurled himself a little, biker guy and his girlfriend became a little more solid. They looked at Phantom with such awe and envy and grief it was almost painful to watch them stare at what they clearly lacked. 

“My words hold no domain over your heart now, child of two worlds,” the ghost wheezed, floating past Phantom. “But someday you will greet death properly, be made humble by it, and I will be there to remind you of how fickle and fleeting that precious life of yours is.” 

“I-” Phantom defended, glowing slightly with his eyes once more an ectoplasmic green. But now it was obvious to see how much more lively and present he was compared to the others. She still hates him, will probably still hunt him but while she knew Phantom was a ghost she knew, whatever he was, she couldn’t call him dead. Not with eyes so sympathetic and expressive and alive.   

“Be gone, all of you mortals, this is a place for the dead,” the ghost commanded. The ghost hovered over to the Box Ghost who had been shivering behind a tombstone the whole time and suddenly went still as stone. “Your compassion for them does them no favors. This is the price for their existence, the dead cannot and should not forget. That is their purpose and this is mine. This is not an end to their existence, merely a reminder.”

Valerie never thoughts she’d see the Fentons flee from a fight but still she watched as Jack and Maddie slowly backed up until they reached their garish assault vehicle. They fumbled for the handles, not willing to tear their eyes off the ghosts before climbing in and driving off. Phantom looked torn, grief stricken as he watched the mist ghost, the Mortem Obire, speak softly to the Box Ghost. He looked like he wanted to interfere, to place himself in-between again but his shoulders slumped as he realized the futility of the action. This was the nature of death and memory and the living were not to interfere.

He glanced up at her, wary and saddened before disappearing from view, going off to wherever it was he lived his life when he wasn’t causing her problems. Valerie swiftly turned her board around and sped quickly in the direction of home. This had left her a lot of things to think about, about Phantom, about ghosts, about what it meant to stick around once your number was up. 

But that was for later, for now she wanted to get out of chill before the rain started in earnest. She wanted to drink something warm, sit close with her father and feel their hearts beating in time. Valerie Grey wanted nothing more, in that moment, to simply breathe in and appreciate her life before it was taken and those happy memories used against her. She would not die full of regret for what she had missed.

[sickofthistoxicshit]

Ok, so I finally watched the episode - (I slept in really late today, it was amazing)  and learned how to do an under the cut - because this is going to be very long - I will not start with buddie, or how sweet exhausted Madney are, or how I feel bad for Albert who has the same grievances as Buck did while recuperating, or how I was happy to see more of Mrs. Lee.

I want to start by how completely shattered I was by watching Nia leave, I literally had to pause because I was crying like a baby and couldn’t bring myself to move on and change the mood. 

I am happy that Nia’s mom is just a woman who had trouble to provide for herself and her baby, especially with the pandemic hitting around that time, and that Nia will be happy and safe with her mom, but I was absolutely heartbroken for Hen and Karen and even while I’m writing this I’m tearing up again.

I do love that while Karen managed to bring Hen around to foster kids again, I actually asked out loud “what about Denny?” - I love that they sat down with him and asked for his opinion, because this involves him too. 

Which is btw, in complete parallel to Edmundo not asking or talking to Christopher about how he feels about him dating again, or bringing her to the house to crash movie nights - because it involves him too and we get no resolution on that particular end to this day.

I have to say that the side stories, while emotional in nature - the flashbacks of complete strangers felt unnecessary - and after pretty much crying my eyes out for Nia and the Wilsons, the side stories felt like a waste of time.

Watching Athena and May finally ‘have it out’ over May’s suicide attempt from S1 was so overdue, and I’m glad we got to see it. Athena’s overreaction and May’s lack of understanding where her mom is coming from was a stepping stone for Athena to have a talk with Bobby that allows her to forgive herself if only a little and for May to show growth on two fronts - 

1. she gave a second chance to a high school bully. - High school is a breeding ground for bullies and victims, it’s only when we see the world through the eyes of an adult, especially through May’s who’s working in dispatch and having weekly therapy sessions - I love that she is being the bigger person here and allows that horrible girl - who may have changed into a better adult - another chance.

2. Working in dispatch also allows May to go back to the worst day of her mother’s life and hear just exactly what happened, and that allows a second kind of growth - she shows compassion and understanding towards Athena, she now knows what happened and how her steel made mom shattered to pieces because she thought she lost her daughter. - I love how May comes into the house and just hugs her mom and apologizes - the story was very well written.

Madney - was super adorable, my own sister recently had a second baby, brother to a 2yo toddler who’s new favorite word is ‘No’, so the exhausted parents sight was very familiar. 

I love that both of them returned to work, personally I don’t know if I would have been able to leave so quickly after giving birth (here maternity leave is 3 months most mothers extend to 6 months or even a year.) but it’s good, in my eyes, that both parents got to get back to normal life, breath some air outside crying, feeding and diaper changes.

Also important to remember - it really does take a village, and I’m glad they showed it here too. I absolutely adore Mrs. Lee, she’s a sweetheart. I found it so funny when Chimney, in his exhausted state said “strangers” and seconds later realized he insulted his adopting mother, I really laughed a lot. 

I also love that Albert moved in with the Lee’s, he will finally have a place where he will not feel guilty about lying and resting while the rest of the house members deal with a newborn baby on top of everything. I hope his return to normal will be easier than Buck’s. On the plus side he’s not working yet so no one can tell him no. ;)

Buddie had me breathing new life this episode, the “she looks like Buck when he’s gassy” (like dude why do you know that?), the “I’ll take it as a complement” retort and Eddie’s fond smile response.

Eddie looking to Buck with the saw with a confident look, to get the lady who was unfortunately pinned to the donkey off with the door. I have to point out that Eddie’s uncertain, sympathetic, I know how you feel look, when the lady talked about no matter what she does it’s wrong - giving me all the signs I need to know that things with Christopher are not ok. and exactly as the fics tell it, Chris is not happy with his dad’s life’s choices right now and it bleeds into everyday life stuff too.

The quarter life crisis- I loved that call!! - Buck says it’s a real thing from experience - God knows we all saw it (also I may have had it myself 😂) and Eddie (or was it Ryan?) laughing again with that fond look of his when it involves Buck.

And the best part  - can’t you both be good cop? - Buck and Eddie’s simultaneous “NO” was so Awesome!! I watched it again and again and again and laughed a lot. But what stood out the most it that no one retorts that Buck is not a parent, or ask how he could possibly know that, there was only slightly confused look from Chimney, who looked thoughtful 0.01s later and a Bobby knows look, Hen doesn’t even dignifies these moments with a response anymore because she definitely knows! 

Also loved Eddie flirting with Buck a moment later saying “curious to see what your definition of too much discipline is.” - Yes my loves that is very much flirting, there will be no discussion here. - I love that Buck’s response is a smile and a tilt of the head to the side, you can see Buck’s expression even under the mask.

It wasn’t a lot of buddie, but the scenes themselves were huge, in my eyes buddie is alive and well and if you can’t see it, I advise you to go to station 19, check out the brother connection between Miller and Gibson, or Strike Back’s Scott and Stonebridge, or Teen Wolf Scott and Stiles then compare it to Eddie and Buck’s, and only after you’ve done that come back and tell us we’re seeing things 🙃

I would have addressed that poor excuse for a scene (1-2 seconds was it?) between Edmundo and she who I refuse to name (rebounds are usually forgotten very quickly, I already forgot her 😈) but the only 3 things worth mentioning is that: 

1. That scene in the promo where she cuddles up to him and looks happy? They cut it in editing.

2. Christopher interrupts them, as always. She allows him to join them even though it’s a school night and she didn’t even look at Eddie before she did.

And last but not least - The amazing Christopher in being seated, By Eddie, between them. - Also he (Eddie) does not look happy about it, he’s fond with Christopher, but looks confused as hell by her allowing it without asking Eddie. 

Now Buck - Buck would have looked to Eddie, and should the answer would have been no, he would have bargained, as we know he does when he babysat last time, and Buck would have gotten Christopher back to bed. - Just saying.

Overall it was a good episode, I liked most of it, kind of reminded me of S1 energy, it felt good. (you know, except for the obvious)

[c-is-for-circinate]

I'd love to hear more of your thoughts about why P5R didn't quite land for you. I had the same reaction to it, but I've never quite been able to properly articulate why the last section fell so flat.

God okay so I've tried several times to answer this, and it seems like the answer is 'I still have way too many feelings, personally, to say this in anything less than thirty pages and fifteen hours of work', because Persona 5 the original is a game I loved a lot and care about a great deal. And most of the reasons I disliked Royal feel, in my head, like a list of ways it broke some of the things I liked best about P5--which means explaining them feels like I need to explain everything I loved about the original game, which is a book in itself, complete with referents to P3, P4, Jungian psychology, the Joseph Campbell mytharc, and fuck all even knows what. And that is too much.

But today I realized that I could instead describe it from an angle of, Persona 5 Strikers succeeds really well at doing the thing I think Royal was trying to do but failed at. And that I think I can talk about in a reasonable amount of wordspace, hopefully, behind this cut because I have at least one friend who hasn't played Royal yet.

Note for reblogs/comments: I HAVE NOT FINISHED STRIKERS YET. I got through the jail that pretended to be the final jail and have not yet gone into the obviously inevitable 'ohshit wait, you mean there's something more than simple human machinations behind all of this?' dungeon. (I got stuck on a really frustrating side quest, put the game down, and then dived into Hades to avoid throwing the Switch across the room for a while--and anyone around this blog lately knows how THAT'S been going.) Please no spoilers past Okinawa!

So, one of the many, many things I really appreciated about Persona 5 was its straightforward and unashamed attitude towards abusers and their acts of violence. Because, while yes P5 is a story about the use of power and control to make others suffer, it fundamentally isn't about those abusers themselves. It's about their victims, those that survive their crimes. And this shows up repeatedly over the course of the game.

We do not give a shit why Kamoshida wanted to beat and rape his students. We really don't. Kamoshida does not deserve our attention one moment longer than it takes to make him stop. Because, ultimately, that's the goal of P5, start to end. We don't know for sure if what we're doing is fair, if it's justice, if it's questionable. What we know is that people are being hurt, badly, actively, right now this second. What we know is that victims are suffering. What we know is that we, personally, us-the-protag and us the Phantom Thieves at large, are in danger. And in those circumstances, we don't care about the abuser's side any more. We don't. We don't have the space or time or capacity to care, because that is not the point.

The point is to help the weak. To save the people who need saving, right here and now. To give others the courage to stand up on their own behalf. We're not even out to change society, not really--that's a byproduct. We are reactions. We are triage. We are important.

There's something so empowering and validating about that as a theme, y'know? In a media landscape so full of "sympathetic villains", the idea that, you know, maybe sometimes you don't have to break yourself to show compassion that might possibly heal the bad guy--that sometimes you can just make the bad guy stop hurting people--feels both refreshing and satisfying. I really appreciate it as a message! I liked it a lot!

And yes, there's nuance to that theme, and the game is not without compassion. We save Futaba, because 'make the bad guy stop hurting people', in that case, means 'make this person stop hurting herself'. We give Sae a path forwards, help her fix her own heart. Yet it's worth pointing out that in both of those cases, while we were very glad to do those things, to save those people, we also went into both of those palaces for extremely practical reasons to begin with. We needed Futaba's help. We needed Sae's help. The fact that we chose to talk Sae into a change of heart rather than simply stealing her treasure, while ultimately a very good thing for her, was absolutely a practical choice predicated on the need for her palace to still exist to save our life. And yes, we wanted to save her, for Makoto's sake--yes, we wanted desperately to save Futaba. But Sae and Futaba let themselves be helped, too, and that doesn't change the overarching themes of the story itself.

Akechi (and to some extent Okumura) would not let himself be helped. Akechi's another interesting nuance to this theme, because of all our villains, we do learn the most about what drove him to the cruelties and crimes he's committed. He's at that intersection of victim and villain, and we want to help him, as a victim--but we also know that stopping him as a villain is more important. We'd like to save him from himself if we could, because we save people from their sources of trauma, it's what we do. We regret being unable to do so. But in the end, what matters to the story is not that Akechi refused to be saved--it's that Shido and Yaldabaoth need to be stopped, for the sakes of everyone else they're hurting now and may continue to hurt in the future.

The thing is, there's space and maybe even a need for a corollary discussion of those places where victim and villain intersect. It's an interesting, pertinent, and related topic. Strikers made an entire video game about it, a really good video game. It's centered in the idea that, yes, these people need to be stopped, and we will make stopping them our priority--but they're not going after us, and that gives us some space to sympathize. Even for Konoe, who specifically targets the Phantom Thieves--compare him to Shido, who actively destroyed the lives of both Joker and Futaba, who ordered Haru's father's death, who's the entire reason the team is still dealing with the trauma of Akechi's everything. Of course the game can be sympathetic to Konoe where it can't with Shido. There's enough distance to do that.

But right--Strikers is a separate game. It's a separate conversation. It's, "last time, we talked about that, so now let's take it one step further." And that's good writing. (It's something Persona has done before, too, also really well! Persona 3 is about terrible, occasionally-suicidal depression and grief. P4 is about how you can still be hurting and need some help and therapy even if things seem ok. Related ideas, but separate conversations that need to be separate in order to be respectful and do justice to either one. P5, as a follow-up to P4, is a conversation about how, ok, changing yourself is great and all, but sometimes the problem is other people so how do you deal with that? Again, still related! Still pertinent! Still alluded to in P4, with Adachi's whole thing--but it wasn't the time or place to base a quarter of the game around it.)

So one of Royal's biggest issues, to me, is that it tries to tack on this whole new angle for discussion onto a game that was originally about something else.

Adding Maruki's palace--adding it at the end, which by narrative laws suggests that it's the true point that everything else should be building up to--suddenly adds in about a hundred new dimensions at once. It wants us to engage with "what in this abuser/manipulator's life led him to act this way?" for basically the first time all game (we'll get to Akechi later). It wants us to engage with, "if the manipulator has a really good reason or good intentions, does that mean we should forgive them?" It requires us to reflect on, "what is the difference between control and cruelty?" It asks, "okay, but if people could be controlled into being happy, would that be okay?" (Which, based on the game so far, is actually a wild out-there hypothetical! Literally not a single thing we've seen in the game suggests that could ever happen. Even the people who think being controlled is safer and easier are miserable under it. Control that's able to lead to actual happiness is completely out of left field in the context of everything we've encountered all game so far.)

That's too much! We don't have time to unpack all that! We only have an eighth of the game left! Not to mention we are also being asked to bring back questions we put to bed much earlier in the game about the morality of our own actions, in a wholely unsatisfying way. Maruki attempts to justify his mass brainwashing because "it's the same as what you're doing", and we know it isn't, but the game didn't need Maruki calling it out in order for us to get that. We already faced that question when we started changing hearts, and again several times throughout the game, and again when we found our targets in Yaldabaoth's cells. The fact that we change hearts does not mean we think "changing hearts is fine and kind and should be done to everyone, actually." Changing hearts has been firmly established in this game as an act of violence, acceptable only because it prevents further systemic violence against innocents that we must prevent. The moral question has never once been about whether it's ok to change the hearts of the innocent, only about how far it's ethical to go against individuals who are actively hurting other people. Saying "you punched that guy to keep him from shooting a child, so punching people is good and I will save the world by punching everyone!" is confusing! and weird! and not actually at all helpful to the question of, how much violence is it acceptable to use to protect others! So presenting the question that way just falls really flat.

(And right, I love Strikers, because Strikers has time to unpack all that. Strikers can give us a main bad guy who wants to control the whole world for everybody's own good, because Strikers has earned that thematic climax. It has given us sympathetic bad guys who started out wanting to control the world to protect themselves and ended up going too far. It's given us Mariko Hyodo, who wanted to control the world to protect other people and went too far. It's given us a long-running thread about police, the desire to serve, and the abuse of power that can lead to. And since we are actively trying to care for the people whose hearts we're changing in Strikers, we can open the door to questions about using changes-of-heart and that level of control to make other people happy. We can even get a satisfying conclusion out of that discussion, because we have space to characterize the difference--Konoe thinks that changing peoples' hearts means confining them, but the Phantom Thieves think it means setting them free. We have seen enough sympathetic villains that we as an audience have had the space to figure out how we feel about that, and to understand the game's perspective of "stop them AND save them, if we can possibly do both." And that message STILL rests firmly on Persona 5's message of "it is Good to do what you have to do to stop an abuser so long as you don't catch innocent people in your crossfire.")

It's worth noting that the general problem of 'asking way too many new questions and then not answering them' also applies to how Royal treats its characters, too. P5 did have unanswered questions left at the end! The biggest one, and we all knew this, was Akechi, and what actually happened to him, and how we should feel about him, and how he felt about us. That was ripe for exploring in our bonus semester, and to Royal's credit they did in fact try to bring it up, but by god did they fuck up doing it.

Akechi's probable death in the boiler room was absolutely the biggest dangling mystery of the game. It was an off-screen apparent death of a key antagonist, so all of the narrative rules we know suggested that he might still be alive and would probably come back if the story went on for long enough. So when Royal brings him back on Christmas Eve, hey, great! Question answered. Except that the situation is immediately too good to be true, and immediately leads to another mystery, which leads to a flat suspicion that something must be wrong. We spend several hours of gameplay getting sly hints that, oooh, maybe he's not really alive after all, before it's finally confirmed by Maruki: yup, he really died, if we end the illusion we'll kill him too. Okay, at least we know now. Akechi is alive right now and he's going to be dead if we do this, and that doesn't make a ton of sense because every other undead person disappeared when the person who wished for them realized they were fake but at this point we'll take it. So we take down Maruki, and okay, Akechi really is dead! Probably! We're fairly sure! Aside from our lingering doubts!

And then we catch a glimpse of maybe-probably-could be him through the train window, and I just want to throw something, because come on.

Look, it is just a fact of storytelling: the more times you make an audience ask 'wait, is this character dead or aren't they?', the less they will care, until three or four reversals later you will be hard pressed to find anybody who gives a shit. Royal does this like four different times, and every iteration comes with even less certainty than the last. By the end, we somehow know even less than we did when we started! Did Akechi survive the boiler room to begin with and Maruki just didn't know? Or was Maruki lying to try and manipulate us further? Or was he actually dead and then his strength of will when Maruki's reality dissolved was enough to let him survive after all? Is that even actually him out the train window?

Where is he going! What is he doing! How did any of this happen! What is going on! We all had these questions about Akechi at the end of the original P5, and the kicker is that Royal pretends like it's going to answer them only to go LOL JK NO. It's frustrating and it's dissatisfying and it annoys me.

The one Akechi question that Royal doesn't even bother to ask, though, let alone leave ambiguous, is how does the protagonist feel about him? The entire emotional weight of the third semester rests on the protagonist caring about Akechi, Sumire, and Maruki. Maruki's the person we're supposed to sympathize with even as we try to stop him. Sumire's the person we're trying to save from herself. And Akechi is our bait--is, we are told, the one thing our protagonist wished for enough to actualize it in this world himself. Akechi's the final lure to accept Maruki's deal. Akechi's survival is meant to be tempting.

For firm Akechi fans, this probably worked out fine--the game wanted to insist that the protagonist cared for Akechi the same way the player did. For those of us who're a little more ambivalent, though (or for the many and valid people who hated him), this is a super sour note. Look, one of the Persona series' strengths is the way it lets players choose to put their time and emotional investment into an array of different characters, so the main story still has weight even if there's a couple you don't care about that much. It has always done this. The one exception, from P3 all the way through P4 to here and now, is Nanako Dojima, and by god she earned that distinction. I have never met a person who played Persona 4 who didn't love Nanako. Nanako is a neglected six-year-old child who is brave and strong enough to take care of herself and all of the housework but who still tries not to cry when her dad abandons her again and lights up like the sun when we spare her even the tiniest bit of time and attention. It is impossible not to care for Nanako. Goro Akechi is not Nanako.

And yet third semester Royal doesn't make sense if your protagonist doesn't feel linked to Akechi. The one question, out of all the brand new questions Royal throws out there, that it decides to answer all by itself--and it's how you as a player and your protagonist ought to feel about an extremely complex and controversial character. What the fuck, Royal. What the fuck.

In conclusion, I'll leave you with this. I played the original Persona 5 in March and April of 2017, as an American, a few months after the 2016 election and into the term of our then president. It felt painfully timely. A quick calendar google early on indicated that the game's 20XX was almost certainly 2016, and the closer our plot got to the in-game November leadup to an election destined to be dominated by a foul and charming man full of corruption and buoyed up by his own cult of personality, the more I wanted to laugh/cry. It felt timely. It felt important. It felt right.

I went through Royal (in LP form on youtube, not having a platform to play it on) in summer of 2020, with a hook full of face masks by my front door and protests about racial tension and local policing that occasionally turned into not-quite-riots close enough to hear at night if I opened the windows of my apartment. The parts of the game that I remembered felt as prescient and meaningful as ever, if not even more so. The new parts felt baffling. Every single evil in the game felt utterly, painfully real, from the opening moments of police brutality to the idea of a country led by a guy who probably would use his secret illegitimate teenage son as a magical assassin if the opportunity presented itself and he thought he could get away with it. Yaldabaoth as the cumulative despair of an entire population who just wanted somebody to take over and make things be okay--yes, yes, god, in summer of 2020? With streets full of people refusing to wear masks and streets full of people desperate for change? Of course. Of course that holy grail of safety should be enticing. Of course it should be terrifying.

And then Maruki. Maruki, who was just so far outside the scope of anything I could relate to the rest of the game or my own life. Because every single other villain in the rest of Persona is real. From the petty pandering principal to the human-trafficking mob boss. The corrupt politicians and the manmade god of cultural desire for stability. And this game was trying to tell me that the very biggest threat of all of them, the thing that was worse than the collective force of all society agreeing to let this happen because succumbing was easier than fighting back--that the very biggest threat of all was that the world could be taken over by some random nobody's misguided attempts to help?

No. Fuck no. I don't buy it. Because god, yes, I have seen the pain and damage done on a tiny and personal and very real level by the tight-fisted control of someone trying to help, it never looked like this. Not some ascended god of a bad therapist. All the threats to the world, and that's the one I'm supposed to take seriously? This one man is more of a threat than the fundamental human willingness to be controlled?

Sorry, but no. Not for me. Not in this game. Not in this real-life cyberpunk dystopian apocalypse.

[felikatze]

Hello I will once again, mf rambling since I have lob brainrot

Ooo I would like to say that Carmen's goal is more or less the same and even after hundred and thousands of years she has never once grow to hate humanity seen from her answer toward Angela's question of "are you not going to stop what you are doing?" by saying "not until everyone learns to love themself for who they are". Her dialogues during Keter realization are still consistent with what we already learned from her previous goal being "I want to whisper into people ear and let them know their deepest desire so it could be manifested to the surface" with what her goal in lob about wanting people to be free (mentally speaking in a way of not being constrainted by social standard or themself) and be able to obtain the power to reach their end meet themself without the need to depend on the Wing (lead to the creation creation EGO and so on and in lor Distortion). I would say that Carmen's decision of whispering Angela to follow her desire is less in the sense of "my ideal was wrong all along" but plainly what it is being that she motivate Angela to just, be free and be herself, after all it is her ideology that people should be free and be achieve anything with their own hand. I think the only that actually changed about Carmen is her own realization that she is also a human therefore can be selfish and have desire of her own (I.e her bloodbath quote of "I want to live, when the thought run through me my body shudder with regret" or Angela comment in the true ending about how Carmen is human after all so she must have her own desire and she wanted to live till the end to watch her dream success as well) which is like, good for you girl, go wild <3

I WOULD ALSO LIKE TO SAY THAT, I FIND IT very interesting that despite being a person with weak heart Carmen is not naive till the point where she thought her dream could be achieve without sacrifice. Her decision to sacrifice Enoch is explicitly because she found herself in a corner and thought that a result is necessary no matter what cost, the way she handed thing down to A because she is aware that in the future she must make sacrifice, she must hurt other. And like it not like she entirely dumping everything on A since she also tried hard to reach till a certain point and like, she is like those feeling of like "when you tried to be mentally prepare for something for a long time and thought you could handle it but then when that thing actually happened it hit different". Where she is aware of the inevitable sacrifice but upon facing the decision where she has to made it and realized the gravity of it she doesnt dare to look forward to the future or moving forward. She was also under the pressure of being this "perfect leader" that she put on for other people to put all the expectations on her too so when the first crack appears everything just slowly going down which is super oof tbh 😔.

Also on topic of Carmen I'm obsessed with the fact that day 48 where Abram showing flashback where he compared Carmen to be on the cliff of expectation and one crack and she will go down and never be able to lift her head again (which has happened), him despairing about how you will fall to the ground no matter how many expectations you have and then Angela in the true ending of lob going "the taller you stand the harder you fall" to mock A like the poetic analogy

quite acute of you, i'd say, dear anon!

I'd agree with how you said, Carmen's goal remains the same: freeing the people of the City to pursue their own happiness.

Now that I think abt the dialogue more, I think you're probably right about her not hating humanity. Even so, her saying that "people can only love themselves" is still much more cynical than what we've previously seen of her. A stance like that pretty much rejects the existence of compassion, even though her wish for people to express themselves is, itself, compassionate.

In the end she was just human indeed. Everyone in the lab put her on a pedestal as the figurehead, and she simply could not handle it. Nice use of that day 48 quote, god knows I don't remember dialogue well enough to quote it directly.

Carmen is in the end also a very complicated character. On one hand, it's a very "Well, what did she expect?" sort of reaction, on the other, as you said, the pressure got to her. It all just snowballed~

Though her goal is the same, I'd still say her method is different in the end, otherwise she wouldn't have tried to stop Angela, even if she respects Angela's decision. I wonder a bit about the pre-bloodbath keter realization scene, with the lob angela confronting lor angela. All later scenes deal with Carmen, so is that also Carmen, or nah? If it is, that Angela has a very "I know what's best for you and you don't" attitude.

It ultimately depends on the angle her goal led to. For the Seed of Light, as intended by Ayin and later Angela, is for people to "face their true feelings and express them." (pulling from the beginning of Keter realization)

Carmen's "exposing the true self" seems the same, yeah, but the way she goes about it, the Distortions themselves are happy, but there's too many bodies in their wake. It's why Angela makes the choice to spread the Light instead of hoarding it, too. If she selfishly pursued only her own revenge, it would ring hollow with guilt.

Also sometimes what people think makes them happy in one moment ends up not being true at all.. e.g. again Philip where U'm not sure deciding to never feel feelings again is like, a good choice. Generally. If you refuse to acknowledge your feelings, even the negative ones, and just run away from them in pursuit of your grand goal, it WILL bite you. Like, perhaps, Carmen, trying to shoulder too much responsibility by herself, crumbling under it.

I do love your interpretation of Carmen as a more sympathetic character! It's similar to a lot of my feelings abt trash man Ayin tbh,, God these two.

Also what you said abt Carmen being supportive of Angela,,, I do love that a lot! I feel like Angela got a lot of closure from her "parents."

[desidarling123]

FATWS Episode 4: A Definitive* Rank Ordering of Most Interesting Character Arcs, from Yours Truly

(*And by definitive I mean completely subjective, but yanno.)

IF YOU HAVEN'T FIGURED IT OUT BY NOW: MAJOR SPOILERS FOR FATWS. SCROLL AWAY NOW IF YOU DON'T WANT EM.

Now let's get into it:

1. John Walker

Let me start by saying -- the near-universal John Walker hate from fandom has always been largely undeserved, and that's a hill I'll die on. It comes out of, I think, a visceral sort of need to slot him into an easily understood black-or-white binary when, truthfully, he is neither, and I think this episode was the BEST example of that. The sheer range he exhibits in such a short time -- a handful of character moments and action sequences in the larger fifty minute episode -- serve to humanize him in a way that's messy and intense and very, very real.

Because MAN. Whether you were already sympathetic to John's plight or not, the death of his partner, Lemar Hoskins, is viscerally disturbing. There's no other way to put it. FATWS has not shied away from some pretty crazy onscreen kills, but this one was arguably the worst in how brutally mundane it was. Lemar was in the wrong place at the wrong time -- a man fighting amongst a whole room of super soldiers. He never stood a chance -- and yet, he still jumped in harm's way to save his best friend, a man in whom he saw indisputable goodness, even when the man could not see it himself. There's an obvious Steve/Bucky parallel here, but with a much darker and more realistic twist -- not all of us, after all, can be lucky enough to receive super strength that could save our lives. Lemar was always a regular mortal -- and for that transgression, he pays the ultimate price.

And then. What happens after. Oh. My. God. I felt Walker's rage and hopelessness through the screen. The death of that Flag Smasher -- at the hands of Captain America, no less, a man he'd admitted to admiring as a child not ten minutes earlier -- was brilliantly executed.

With the final shot of the townspeople recording the brutal murder it becomes overwhelmingly clear -- we are witnessing the tragic fall of a man who was, for all his previous missteps, trying to be a hero. But John's moral compass just died a meaningless, horrible death -- and without him by his side, Walker has become a man unhinged.

2. Bucky Barnes and Ayo

I debated putting this one at number two because I'd argue there were some weird elements to the writing choices made (more on that in a sec), but, nevertheless. Bucky and Ayo get slot #2.

That flashback to Wakanda got me excited, but I didn't expect my heart to get shattered almost right away. Oh. My. God. His interactions with Ayo BROKE ME. There's so much nuance in a scene that’s incredibly well-acted by both Sebastian and Florence — you see both of them in a moment that is incredibly pivotal for the former’s character, and we see the latter reacting with sympathy, strength, and enormous grace. I had expected a scene like this to be with Shuri (given that we last saw her with Bucky in the post credits of Black Panther) but, given the context of what was being performed (a final test of the trigger words) having Ayo there made a lot of sense. She could take him down if need be — but as the scene so wonderfully shows, thankfully, she doesn’t have to. Instead, she’s there to let him know that for the first time in almost a century, he’s free again.

Now, let’s get into some of the unevenness. I had hoped, at the end of the last episode, that Bucky had at least informed the Dora Milaje of his liaison with Zemo — that, perhaps, it had been Bucky’s intent to hand him over all along. Alas, that was not the case — Bucky, it seems, had broken Zemo out with little thought to — or perhaps simply silent acceptance of — the consequences that would come with it.

This is the part, again, where the writing felt a bit weak. We know from the opening shots of the episode that Bucky cares enormously for Ayo — they’re not simply soldiers in arms, but they’ve shared a moment of immense vulnerability together. We ALSO know that he cares enormously for T’Challa, for Shuri, and for Wakanda as a country (see Infinity War, where he says “I love this place” in reference to his new home).

So that begs the question — why? Why did he betray them in that way, besides sheer desperation for a lead? And it’s not one, I’d argue, that we are given a satisfying answer to. Bucky has been reckless to an alarming degree in the last few episodes, but not informing Wakanda of his intention to liaise with the man who killed their king feels like a MAJOR tactical oversight. Is he willing to burn everything down to win this battle against the Flag Smashers? Are these his self destructive tendencies kicking in? OR, is he just truly so blinded by his emotions surrounding his past that he’s willing to throw away what could very well be his future? Only time will tell. But I hope he’ll do right by Ayo and Wakanda, as he clearly has a LOT to make up for.

3. Baron Helmut Zemo

God. I love Zemo’s psychotic, problematic ass. Say what you want, but the man is the most efficient of them all and he isn't a super soldier or an Avenger. Over and over, he shows that he's truly smarter than them and always has been.

He doesn't get personal. He doesn’t get distracted. He knows exactly what his goal is, and he executes on it. Mans didn’t hesitate to unload several bullets into Karli, and as soon as he figured out what the vials were, he destroyed all except one. Like I said, the most efficient person on the team. Has arguably done more to forward the cause against the Flag Smashers/continued existence of super soldiers than anyone else and it’s only been a few days. Between that, his god-awful dancing skills and him shooting the eugenicist scientist without so much as a blink of an eye, I think he's a man after my own heart. I’m almost sad to see him get what’s coming for him come next episode. (Because y’all, he did still kill King T’Chaka, and there’s no way the Dora leave here without taking him out on a silver platter and an apple stuffed in his mouth). But again, let’s see how that pans out.

4. Sam Wilson

WHAT are the writers doing to Sam, I swear to God? We didn't get too much introspection into where his head's at during this episode, and when we did the treatment felt uneven at best. I think, in trying to have him create a rapport with Karli, the writers have created some areas of commonality that didn’t always translate as they’d like. It was also weird to see Sam swinging from the well-earned cynicism of the previous two episodes to the sort of wide-eyed optimism Steve used to portray. Perhaps that was simply to try and show Karli an alternative, but as the episode showed, she clearly wasn't buying (though, in Sam’s defense, he came pretty close).

Something about Sam’s characterization in this episode didn’t really do it for me — I would argue episode one and two were both stronger in that regard. Nevertheless, I’m hopeful that they’ll correct it in the next one.

5. Karli Morgenthau

Her treatment is arguably the worst of them all. She is young, yeah, but she oscillates at an alarming rate between spouting class discourse that, by this episode, feels largely derivative (like someone scrolled on Twitter and put a bunch of keywords together in hopes of evoking an emotional audience response) and homicidal tendencies that show a brutal yet fundamentally messy underpinning. Unlike Zemo, she is still too easily confounded, and that will come to bite her in the ass sooner rather than later. (See: The Power Broker)

Perhaps I'm meant to be rooting for her on some degree but I really can't -- she's cruel and sloppy, which I cannot forgive.

Oh, and she killed Lemar Hoskins and threatened Sarah Wilson. Yikes.

Overall Episode Takeaway: A lot of shocking moments and great acting beats for everyone involved (arguably some of the best of the series thus far), but the weakness of the writing does crop up in parts. Whether they'll be corrected for going forward is to be determined...

UP NEXT: Meta pieces for Sam, Bucky, John, and Zemo all in the works!

[itsclydebitches]

RE Anime Slushie and their thoughts on Salem: As someone who has watched all their stuff, their comment on Salem is that "they have literally seen her backstory", but also that it's fucked up the WRITERS made Yang say that. It's less a statement on Yang and more the writers.

Back-and-forths are fine! But I’m slamming these together because I should really get to bed at some point 😅

I definitely have to listen for myself sometime to form concrete opinions on Slushie’s take —  I do want to be clear that I’m not agreeing or disagreeing with them because I don’t like taking secondhand arguments at face value. No offense to you all, but we know how much exact quotes/context/tone matters in discussions like these — but just regarding where I’m personally at now... I don’t think it’s inherently bad that the writers had Yang say this. Yang saw Salem’s backstory, yes, but that doesn’t mean she owes Salem compassion right now (or at all, frankly, given the level of horror Salem has committed). It’s a well-worn meme, but it really is a case of “Cool motive, still murder.” Personally, I would have liked some compassion in the snow, or at the farm, or in Argus. Compassion for Ozpin’s situation, who Salem used to be, the version of humanity who was lost, the crimes the gods enacted, etc. That is where I think we needed to address the complexity of the villain’s origin  —  including, as Anon #1 says, the continued threat the gods may pose to the heroes —  when the characters were (relatively) safe and in a place to process that emotionally. That “frankly” aside, the heroes should be at least a little compassionate for what Salem has been through based on the themes of the story (forgiving Hazel, Emerald, trying to get Raven back on their side, etc. We have a long history now of offering understanding), but that doesn’t mean that scene was the right time to do it. Yang was currently kidnapped, currently trying to rescue a tortured friend, currently a part of a kingdom under fire, currently about to be killed. She doesn’t owe Salem any kindness there and, as such, the writers weren’t wrong to have her withhold it, or wrong to have her simplify Salem’s tragedies in her anger. So I suppose my own criticism is more that the writers failed to acknowledge that complexity in the two and a half volumes before this scene. That should have been a part of Volume Six, in the same way that healing with Ozpin should have started in Volume Six. Those parts of the story are, obviously, interconnected. The problem is not that the writers had Yang minimize the villain’s suffering while she was in her clutches, the problem is the writers introduced this complexity, then refused to engage with it, so when even the tinniest reference comes up the fandom jumps at the chance for that acknowledgment, no matter how poor the timing. It’s a bit like the Blake/Yang situation. It’s been dragging so long now that at this point most fans don’t care when the hell they kiss, just that they do, but from a writing standpoint that doesn’t mean having them share their first kiss in [insert random scene here] is a good idea. RWBY made the right call with Yang imo, but it’s hard to lean into that justified character reaction when the show has otherwise ignored this complexity 100%. That’s... not a good thing and leaves my praise of “This is a logical, justified character moment for Yang” rather wanting in the grand scheme of things. Simply put, RWBY is broken all around lol. 

Indeed, upon reflection I can more easily see where that expectation might stem from (outside of the general “When is RT going to acknowledge these important plot points??” frustration and, frankly, the fandom’s tendency to insta-forgive all the villainous women). Meaning, Oscar. We just had multiple scenes where Oscar was kidnapped, magically tortured, then physically tortured, yet his Good Hero reaction to all this was, “I should be very kind to my torturer, assume the best about him, and risk everything  —  including this magical object that helps keep the world safe! — by giving him a level of trust he has in no way earned” ... and then the narrative rewarded him for that behavior by making Hazel one of the good guys. To be clear, I think that’s dumb. I think that scene makes Oscar look naive and idiotic, but not in a way where the takeaway is supposed to be that he’s acting naive and idiotic. I think it’s bad writing. But it does set a strong precedent. If Oscar can put aside every horrible thing Hazel has done/is currently doing to him, why can’t Yang with Salem? If Oscar can see the good in the guy beating him up, why can’t Yang see the good in the woman trying to kill her? Again, I still think that’s a very bad take, but if anyone consciously or unconsciously drew that comparison... I can’t blame them. When a story sets that precedent, no matter how ridiculous, the audience isn’t wrong to hope and expect that the precedent will continue into the rest of the volume. So when Yang suddenly refuses to compromise on Salem’s horrors  — which is the logical and more emotionally compelling choice here!  — she comes across as unnecessarily unforgiving compared to someone like Oscar, who just extended compassion to another villain last episode. When you very seriously present the scene “Hero feels intense compassion for the villain currently torturing a child,” it’s not a reach to expect, “Hero then feels intense compassion for the villain whose sad backstory she witnessed.” But the flaw, imo, rests in making Oscar that trusting and forgiving, rather than making Yang that dismissive and angry while in Salem’s clutches. If we’re discussing how to make RWBY better, the focus should be on addressing Salem’s complexity at appropriate times in the narrative, not during a scene where a character has every reason under the sun to say “Screw you.” Let the group acknowledge their villains’ humanity not while they’re being tortured/kidnapped/killed by them. The justification of saying “Screw you” to Big Bad Salem aside, Anon #2 is right that the last person to try and extend that compassion ended up burned to a crisp... which the group also saw in Jinn’s vision. As said, there’s a lot of complexity here. One takeaway might be, “Damn, Salem really went through it and the gods are horrible. It doesn’t excuse her actions, but she didn’t deserve to end up like this” while another takeaway might be, “It literally doesn’t matter how sympathetic I might find Salem’s backstory because she magically kills anyone standing in her way! I am currently standing in her way!! She’s going to kill me anyway and, frankly, a lot of that sympathy dissipates when I am in that position :)” 

[starring-movies]

The Haunting of Bly Manor: Episode Analysis

*SPOILERS*

Episode 2 - The Pupil

Episode 2 of The Haunting of Bly Manor is split into two halves, with the first being 6 months earlier and focusing on how and why Miles got sent home from boarding school; and the second half continuing with the present-day storyline at the manor.

A teacher at Miles’ school, Father Stack, who takes a particular interest in helping Miles, reads a bible excerpt from Mark 5:11 in one of the lessons. He reads “now, there on the hillside a great herd of swine were feeding. And the unclean spirits begged him, ‘send us into the swine, let us enter them’. So, he gave them permission, and the unclean spirits came out and entered the swine. And the herd, numbering about two thousand, rushed down the steep bank into the sea, and were drowned in the lake”. The excerpt is important to Miles in regard to the rules for Peter and Rebecca taking over his and Flora’s bodies. According to this bible story, Miles is told that Peter and Rebecca cannot survive in his and Flora’s bodies without them being pushed out, unless Miles and Flora give “permission” for them to enter their bodies.

It’s a notable difference that the original bible excerpt says that they were drowned in the “sea”, not the “lake”. This alteration brings our attention the story, as it makes it more akin to Miles and Flora’s situation. It also brings it to Miles’ own attention that Peter and Rebecca taking over their bodies permanently will “drown” them, because they will never be able to take over their own bodies again. However, it also gives Miles hope that even the “demons” can’t take away man’s god given free will; and so Peter and Rebecca can’t take possession of their bodies permanently, without them being given the opportunity to use their own choice to grant them that permission.

Father Stack also calls the “unclean spirits”, which are parallel to Peter and Rebecca, “demons” when he is paraphrasing the story. The choice to change the word that’s used reflects Peter’s malicious intent of taking over Miles’ body.

On the blackboard behind Father Stack, we can also see that there is a number of other bible verses which the pupils are reading in class. We can see written on the blackboard is; Mark 5:1-20, Gerasene Demonica, Matthew 8:28-34, Luke 8:26-37 and Healing Gerasene Demonica. All of the verses on the board are various narratives of the Exorcism of the Gerasene Demonica, which is the name of the story that Father Stack was reading.

Miles then receives a letter from Flora, through Father Stack. We don’t find out until later in the episode that Flora’s letter says “come home”, and has a drawing of her crying with a sad Rebecca and a happy Peter near her. The “come home” that’s written on the letter is a nod to The Haunting of Hill House, where Olivia wrote on the wall for Nell to “come home” to her. In both of these instances ‘coming home’ results in tragedy. For Nell it resulted in her death and if Dani hadn’t saved Miles and Flora, then Peter and Miss Jessel would have succeeded in possessing their bodies.

We then see Miles climb up a tree and jump from it. An action which seems odd and sudden at first, but after we find out that Miles is actually trying to get home after receiving Flora’s letter, it makes much more sense. Miles had heard at the beginning of the day that a classmate was at home and not able to return because “he took a bit of a tumble”, so Miles is also trying to get sent home by taking a “bit of a tumble” himself. However, his plan doesn’t succeed and so he acts out in a number of increasingly troubling ways in order to get sent home.

That evening, Miles’ friend, Hooper, asks him why he jumped from the tree and Miles says that he was “just looking for the right key”. Looking for “the right key” turns out to be something that Miles learnt from Peter. In Episode 3, Peter told Miles that to impress a woman you have to find the right key for her, and for the majority of women their ‘key’ is flowers. So in this instance, Miles’ goal is not to impress a woman but to return home to Flora, and so he is trying to find “the right key” to make Father Stack give up on him and send him back home.

Miles’ third and final attempt to get himself sent home was to kill Father Stack’s bird, called Pidge, and he then shows no remorse when asked to apologise for the act. Miles does this because Father Stack told him previously that “it’s that feeling of remorse, that guilt... that’s what distinguishes us in God’s eyes” and that “none of us are blameless except... the animals”, and so he knows that the only way that Father Stack will send him home is if he does something unforgivable against an “innocents” and shows no “guilt” for doing so.

Back in the present day we see Hannah staring at a crack in the kitchen wall, which we go on to find out is actually a recurring vision of a crack in the well.’s wall. This crack in the wall of the well was the last thing that Hannah saw, after being pushed down the well, before she died.

As Owen, Hannah and Jamie sit and relax while Dani has the children weeding in the garden, they have a brief conversation. Jamie ‘tests the water’ and asks Owen his “thoughts on the new au pair” and says that she thinks that Dani is “maybe a bit too pretty”, continuing to ask him “do you think she’s pretty?”. Jamie is obviously interested in Dani but wants to dip her toe in the water before plunging in, to see if Owen will attempt to pursue Dani. But Owen says “don’t worry, I only have eyes for you, Hannah” - if Jamie knew that Owen, the only man in the manor, was interested in pursuing Dani then she knows that there would be no point in even attempting to pursue Dani herself. But through this probing she’s found out that she will have no competition from him, so she has a glimmer of hope that she might have a chance.

In this scene, Hannah also touches the back of her neck/head, which is something that she does repeatedly throughout the season. She constantly does this gesture because her neck was broken when she was pushed down the well; so she continually feels the pain in her neck, in the same way as she often sees cracks in the walls and gets stuck in memory loops.

Later, after the children and Dani have finished the gardening, Dani returns to her room to find that Flora has cleaned it and has found Eddie’s glasses amongst her belongings. Dani runs out of the house and has a panic attack, as this is probably the first time that she’s seen the glasses since Eddie’s mother gave them to her right before she left for Europe.

Jamie is on her way to fill in the crack in the kitchen wall, which Hannah asked her to do earlier, when she comes across Dani as she’s having her panic. Jamie handles it in the best way possible by trying to get Dani to laugh. It’s clear that her goal was to make Dani laugh as when Dani does eventually laugh, she smiles and says “there we are”. Jamie continues to try to calm Dani down and to help her feel normal and not be embarrassed (we can clearly see Dani is embarrassed and trying to hide her crying), as she tells her “I cry three, maybe four ties a day around here. Five, if I’m really being honest with myself”.

In return for helping to calm her down when she was having a panic attack, after finding that Miles (being possessed by Peter) has ruined Jamie’s roses, Dani tries to calm Jamie down. Although at first saying that they’re “just a few flowers”, after seeing how much Jamie cares about them, Dani instead is sympathetic and says “no, you’re right, I’ll talk to him”.

Just like Jamie did with Dani, Dani assesses the situation and adapts to fit the emotional need that was required of her at that moment - to calm Jamie down and make her feel seen. Dani shows compassion, empathy and understanding towards Jamie’s feelings, even though she might not understand why Jamie is upset herself.

When Dani is playing the game of hide and seek with Flora and Miles, Flora hides up in the attic. The attic is where the ghost of Perdita lives and that’s why the ghost can only hum along with Flora with a strained voice - Viola strangled Perdita, so her throat must have been extensively damaged and so she can only really wheeze.

Amusingly, after Miles (being possessed by Peter) tries to strangle Dani during the game of hide and seek, Dani says that the game is over, she runs back into the main part of the house and shouts “olly olly oxen free”. I’d never heard this term myself, but after looking it up, I found that it’s a phrase used to tell the players of a game that the sides have changed or that the game is over entirely. I found this amusing as it seems like a very feeble attempt to rein the children back in, after almost being strangled by one of them.

After seeing Peter through a window, we get the first example that what Dani said about herself in Episode 1, “I’m a lot braver than people think”, is definitely true. She doesn’t run and hide, despite being absolutely terrified of Peter, but she picks up a fire poker and runs outside, shouting “I’m going to call the fucking police”, to confront him herself.

At the end of the episode we get another example of Miles trying to protect Dani from the ghosts in the house. Miles knows that Peter is lurking around, as he’s just been possessing him, and so he tells Dani that he doesn’t “feel so good” and pretends to faint, so that Dani will come back inside and away from Peter.

You can read my previous The Haunting of Bly Manor posts here:-

Episode 1 - The Great Good Place

Episode 3 - The Two Faces, Part One

Episode 4 - The Way It Came

Episode 5 - The Altar of the Dead

Episode 6 - The Jolly Corner

——————————————————————————

[mediaevalmusereads]

Strange the Dreamer. By Laini Taylor. New York: Little, Brown Books, 2017.

Rating: 4/5 stars

Genre: YA fantasy

Part of a Series? Yes, Strange the Dreamer #1

Summary: The dream chooses the dreamer, not the other way around— and Lazlo Strange, war orphan and junior librarian, has always feared that his dream chose poorly. Since he was five years old he’s been obsessed with the mythic lost city of Weep, but it would take someone bolder than he to cross half the world in search of it. Then a stunning opportunity presents itself, in the person of a hero called the Godslayer and a band of legendary warriors, and he has to seize his chance or lose his dream forever. What happened in Weep two hundred years ago to cut it off from the rest of the world? What exactly did the Godslayer slay that went by the name of god? And what is the mysterious problem he now seeks help in solving? The answers await in Weep, but so do more mysteries—including the blue-skinned goddess who appears in Lazlo’s dreams. How did he dream her before he knew she existed? And if all the gods are dead, why does she seem so real?

***Full review under the cut.***

Content Warnings: blood, violence, drug use, rape, sexual slavery, abduction and imprisonment

Overview: I really enjoyed Laini Taylor’s Daughter of Smoke and Bone trilogy, so I decided to give her new work a go. Overall, I also really enjoyed Strange the Dreamer because it had a lot of things that are characteristic of Taylor’s writing that I love - lush, lyrical prose; tragic, star-crossed love; a political conflict involving otherworldly creatures. The reason why I’m giving this book 4 instead of 5 stars mainly has to do with the pacing and the way events played out. There wasn’t anything wrong, I think, with the way Taylor handled her story - it’s just that I felt like things started to rush to a close too quickly, and I would have liked to spend more time in the book exploring character emotions.

Writing: Taylor’s prose tends to fall into two categories: lyrical and descriptive or straight-forward and economical. Part 1 of this book is more lyrical; the metaphors are more fantastical and the prose evokes a sense of longing and fascination. Taylor really captures the feeling of being immersed in a library, surrounded by stories, as well as what it’s like to have a dream (not a dream in your sleep - more like a goal or a wish that has a small or nonexistence likelihood of coming true). Part 1 was probably my favorite part of the book for this reason, as subsequent sections tended to lose that lyrical quality and fall into a style more typical of YA books.

Taylor’s pace is also fairly well-done in that I didn’t feel like I was being rushed or that I was plodding through the book. The only thing I would change in terms of pacing is the book’s ending; I felt a lot of things were dropped on the reader all at once, and though they were foreshadowed earlier in the book (which I very much appreciated), I tend not to like endings where too much happens.

Before I close this section, a couple of notes on descriptions and worldbuilding: though I know teenagers have sexual urges, I was a little put off by the descriptions of teenagers’ bodies in certain places. I can remember a few instances where Taylor describes the look of one character’s breasts, and though it wasn’t gratuitous, I didn’t like that these descriptions were included. I also thought the worldbuilding detail of “women get tattoos on their bellies as a rite of passage/coming of age marker when they become fertile and Sarai longs for one of her own” was a little uncomfortable. It made me feel like the world Taylor built was concerned with showcasing female reproductive capacity, and that just seems exclusionary. While it could have worked if the story was more about pushing back against reproductive regulation or exploring what such tattoos would mean for trans characters, as the book stands, that doesn’t really happen, so it was a weird detail that I felt distracted from the main themes.

Plot: This book primarily follows Lazlo Strange - an orphan who dreams of finding the lost city of Weep - and Sarai - the daughter of a dead god and a human who must hide her existence in order to stay alive. Lazlo is surprised one day when some inhabitants of Weep - led by someone called “the Godslayer” - show up in his library, asking for assistance from the land’s greatest scientists. Though Lazlo isn’t a scientist, he is the most knowledgeable person about Weep and its culture, so the Godslayer elects to take him along. Meanwhile, Sarai and several other demigods live in a secluded Sanctuary, hiding from the inhabitants of Weep so that they won’t be slain on account of their parentage.

Without spoiling anything (which is kind of hard, since there is a lot that happens), I will say that I really liked the central conflict of this book. Taylor does a good job of setting up a problem with no black-and-white solutions; it seems like everyone had a legitimate reason for acting the way they do, and no matter what happens, someone will be hurt.

But perhaps the thing I appreciated most about the plot was that Taylor never sets up a surprise twist that comes out of nowhere. I feel like I’ve read a lot of YA books that drop a bomb on the reader with no set up, and I personally feel like such twists make the story feel less cohesive. Taylor sets up all her reveals and twists by dropping hints early and frequently, and rather than make the story feel dull, I felt like they made the end emotionally fulfilling.

If I had one criticism of the plot it would be that the romance doesn’t feel genuine. Lazlo and Sarai seem to fall in love with each other too quickly, which made it seem like they got together because they just hadn’t had opportunities to meet other people. I didn’t see what they saw in each other aside from looks and special qualities like “oh, he’s able to share my dreams” or “she was kind to me when so many other people weren’t.” I wanted more out the romance, like Sarai falling for Lazlo’s kindness and Lazlo falling for Sarai’s compassion towards those who would harm her. Maybe there was some of that, but it was definitely overshadowed by lengthy descriptions of kissing, which I wasn’t much a fan of. I also wasn’t really a fan of the “dates” that they went on; some parts were cute, but overall, they dragged.

Characters: Lazlo, one of our protagonists, is likeable in that he’s pretty much the embodiment of a lot of book nerds. He starts off shy, completely absorbed with fairy tales and folklore, and loves to roam the abandoned stacks in his library. What I liked most about him, though, was his willingness to help people even if they treat him poorly. For example, there’s a character named Theryn Nero who is basically a Science Bro. He’s rich, beloved by everyone, and gets famous for cracking the secret of alchemy. While he puts himself up as the lone genius, he was actually aided by Lazlo and takes sole credit for a lot of things that Lazlo proved to be key in discovering. Lazlo, though annoyed, never lets his feelings get in the way of helping Nero when the greater good is at stake, and I really admired that.

If I had any criticisms of Lazlo, it would be that I wish his “dreamer” status or knowledge base was put to better use. After Lazlo gets to Weep, he isn’t quite as interesting as he was before, probably because he no longer needs to use his vast knowledge of stories to make his way through the world.

Sarai, our other protagonist, is fairly sympathetic in that all her problems feel undeserved. She is forced to stay locked away in a hidden Sanctuary in order to protect herself and her little found family (composed of other demigods), and though it’s for the best, it also feels stifling. I really liked that Sarai was not single-mindedly fixated on revenge for the things that happened in her past. Without spoiling anything, I will say that something happened which put the demigods and inhabitants of Weep in conflict with one another, and there is no easy solution that would guarantee that the demigods stay alive. Sarai has a lot of dreams like Lazlo - of finding family, of living a normal life, of living among the humans - but it’s not really viable for her, and instead of letting hate consume her, she tries to think up other ways of existing.

Sarai’s “family” is also charming. The group consists of 5 demigods who are the last remaining offspring of the slain gods, and all of them feel fairly complex. They all possess some kind of magical “gift”: there’s Sarai (who can produce supernatural “moths” that allow her to enter people’s dreams), Ruby (a girl who can turn herself into flames), Feral (the only boy, and he can summon clouds), Sparrow (a girl who can manipulate plants), and Minya (a girl who can make ghosts do her bidding). I liked that these characters had different personalities that often put them in conflict. Ruby is boy-crazy and seems to be obsessed with sex. Sparrow is more passive but has sweet moments where she makes a “flower cake” for Ruby’s birthday and braids Sarai’s hair. Minya is completely consumed by her desire for revenge, and it presents some real barriers to finding a solution to the group’s problems.

The supporting characters down in Weep are also fairly compelling. The Godslayer is sympathetic in that he doesn’t revel in his heroic image or title; instead, he feels complex and seemingly warring emotions tied to guilt over what happened to Weep and his role in it almost 20 years prior to the events of this book. The Godslayer’s companions are also sympathetic and have emotions that are easy to understand, and I loved that they seemed to take to Lazlo so quickly. They welcome all outsiders with open arms, but they have a soft spot for Lazlo, which I liked because it meant that he didn’t have to face bullying or gatekeeping from people he had longed to meet his entire life.

The inhabitants of the world outside of Weep were interesting. There’s Theryn Nero, who seemed like he would be a primary antagonist but doesn’t have enough “screen time” to truly be a threat. I liked that his conflict with Lazlo was low-key - it was intense enough to be annoying, but no so intense that their rivalry consumed the whole story or put petty emotions above the greater good. The other “scientists” who follow the Godslayer back to Weep served their purpose; not all of them had rich, complex lives, but they didn’t really need to because if they did, the story would feel crowded.

Overall, there weren’t any characters I disliked, per se. While I do wish Lazlo got to develop differently, there wasn’t much wrong with his character, and I think all of the main players had interesting backstories and motivations, and I appreciated the layer of complexity they all had. I do wish there had been more queer characters though. There is one wlw couple, though they aren’t too prominent in the grand scheme of things. Of course, that could change, as there is a whole second book to go through, but I wish some of the demigods had been lgbt+ so it felt like Taylor’s world wasn’t overwhelmingly straight and cis.

TL;DR: Despite some pacing problems at the end and minor details that didn’t fit my personal tastes, Strange the Dreamer is a lush, evocative fantasy about the power of dreams. Readers who enjoy epic fantasy and stories about gods, star-crossed love, and will probably adore this book.

[cctinsleybaxter]

2020 in books

2020 was a year of changed reading habits; people reading more than ever or not at all, some changing their tastes and others turning to old comforts. While there weren’t any huge overhauls on my end, more free time did mean a total of 32 in a wider range of genres. In the past couple of years I found a lot of the things I read to be kind of middling and ranked them accordingly, but this year had some strong contenders in the mix. With college officially behind me I love nonfiction again, and I really need to stop being drawn in by novels with long titles that ‘sound interesting.’ A piece of advice to my future self: they will only make you angry.

The Good

The Idiot by Fyodor Dostoevsky I loved the BBC radio play when I first listened to it back in 2017, but didn’t know if I could stomach the idea of actually reading the 700-page book, especially since I already knew the plot (spoiler alert: this had no effect and I gasped multiple times despite knowing what was going to happen; Fyodor’s just that good at atmosphere.) The story follows Prince Lev Myshkin, a goodhearted but troubled man entering 1860s Petersburg high society and meeting all of the wretched people therein as he navigates life, laughs, love, unanswerable questions of faith, and human suffering. I care about it in the same way I think other people care about reality TV shows and soap operas. I’m so personally invested in the drama and feel so many different emotions directed at these clowns that it’s like being a fan of Invitation to Love (with an ending equally upsetting to that of the show ITL is from, Twin Peaks.)

Salt: A World History by Mark Kurlanksy I adored this book. The first half reads a little like a Wikipedia article, and I was worried that it was leaning too clinical and would be disaffected with colonialism and indigenous peoples, but even that oversight is corrected for as the text goes on. It’s not going to be for everybody because it really is just the world’s longest encyclopedia entry on, well, salt, but it’s written with such excitement for the topic and is so well-researched and styled for commercial nonfiction that I think it deserves any and all praise it’s gotten. We have to talk about that time Cheshire was literally sinking into the ground, and companies who were over-pumping brine water to steal each other’s brine water said ‘no it’s okay it’s supposed to that’ so were legally dismissed as suspects.

Midnight Cowboy by James Leo Herlihy Cried. 10/10. The plot of Midnight Cowboy is very classic and actually has a lot in common with The Idiot, as 20-something Joe Buck moves from the American Southwest to NYC and meets myriad challenges as a sex worker. I’ve been obsessed with the movie for a few years now and the book made me appreciate it anew; I think it’s rare for an adaptation to take the risk of being so different from its source material while still capturing its spirit. The movie doesn’t include quieter moments like the full conversation with Towny or time spent in the X-flat, nor does it attempt to touch Joe’s internal monologue or his and Rico’s extensive backstories, but these things are essential to the book and are some of the best and most affecting writing I’ve ever read. Finally! The Great American Novel!

The Only Good Indians by Stephen Graham Jones I would firmly like to say that this is probably the best horror novel ever written. The setup is very traditional in that it’s about a group of friends facing supernatural comeuppance for a past mistake, but delivery on that premise is anything but familiar. A story about personal and cultural trauma that raises questions about what we owe to each other and what it means to be Blackfeet, with a cast that’s unbelievably real and sympathetic even at their absolute worst. Creepypasta writers trying to cash in on the cultural mythos of lumped-together tribes wish they were capable of writing something a tenth as gruesome and good as this. It could very well be a movie the visuals and writing style were so arresting, and I can’t wait to read whatever Jones writes next.

Found Footage Horror Films: Fear and the Appearance of Reality by Alexandra Heller-Nicholas This is the least accessible title on the list since it’s a college textbook for people with background in film, but it was so nice to read a woman unpacking film theory with the expertise and confidence it deserves that I have to rank it among the best. I had an absolute blast reading it and am going to have to stop myself from bringing up the horror of 1960s safety films as a cocktail icebreaker.

Blood in the Water: The Attica Prison Uprising of 1971 and Its Legacy by Heather Ann Thompson

The year’s toughest read by far, but also its most rewarding. Thompson uses mountains of documents, government-buried intel, and personal interviews to explain what happened at Attica from beginning to end, and does a fantastic job of balancing hard facts and ‘unbiased journalism’ with much-needed emotion and critical analysis. It’s more important reading in the 2020s than any kind of ‘why/how to not be racist’ book club book is going to be, and the historical context it provides is as interesting as it is invaluable. The second half drags a bit in going through lengthy trial processes with some assumed baseline knowledge of legalese (which I did not have. All that criminal minds in 2015… meaningless), but aside from that editing and prose are some of the best I’ve seen in nonfiction. 

The Bad

The Woman in the Window by A.J. Finn A friend and I decided to read this together because I’m obsessed with how insane the author is and wanted to know if he can actually write.

He cannot.

The Beautiful Thing That Awaits Us All by Laird Barron Barron is an indie darling of the horror fiction scene, so I was excited to finally read one of his collections but can now attest that I hate him. If you’re going to do Lovecraft please deconstruct Lovecraft in an interesting way. I had actually written a lot about the issues I have with how he develops characters and plots, but one of the only shorthand notes I took was “he won’t stop saying ‘bole’ instead of tree trunk” and I feel like that’s the only review we need.

Bats of the Republic by Zach Dodson Look up a photo of this author because if I had bothered to glance at the jacket bio I honest-to-god wouldn’t have even tried reading this.

This Is How You Lose the Time War by Amal El-Mohtar and Max Gladstone I went in with high expectations since this is an epistolary novella I’d seen praised on tumblr and youtube but oh my god was there a reason I was seeing it praised on tumblr and youtube. This is bad Steven Universe fanfiction. Both authors included ‘listening to the Steven Universe soundtrack throughout’ in the acknowledgements, and to add insult to injury there’s a plug from my nemesis Madeline Miller.

The 7½ Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle by Stuart Turton The premise of this one plays with so many tropes I like that I should have been more suspicious. It’s a dinner party with stock characters one would expect of Clue, and rather than our protagonist being the detective he’s a man with amnesia stuck in a 24-hour time loop. Body-hopping between guests, he must gather evidence using the skillsets of each ‘host’ until he either solves Evelyn Hardcastle’s murder or the limit of eight hosts runs out. I read a lot of not-very-good books, and it’s so, so much worse when they have potential to be fun. This is how you lose the most points, and how I abandon decorum and end up writing a list of grievances: • Our protagonist can only inhabit male hosts, which I think is a stupid writing decision not because I’m ‘woke’ but because wouldn’t it make sense for him to also be working with the maids, cooks, and women close to the murder victim? • Complaining about the limitations of hosts makes some sense (e.g- there’s a section where he thinks that it’s hard to be an old man because it’s difficult to get to the places he needs to be quickly), but one of his hosts is a rapist and one of his hosts is fat. Guess which one gets complained about more. • One of the later hosts is just straight-up a cop with cop knowledge that singlehandedly solves the case. We spend some time being like ‘wow I couldn’t have done it without the info all eight hosts helped gather’ but it was 100% the detective and he solves the murder using information he got off-screen. • The mystery itself is actually well-paced and I didn’t have a lot of issues with it (e.g, there’s a twist that I guessed only shortly before the end), which makes it all the worse that the metanarrative of this book is INSANE. No spoilers but the reveal as to why our unnamed protagonist is even in this situation is stupid. I just know they’re going to make it into a movie and I’m preemptively going to aaaaaaaaa!!!

Trust Exercise by Susan Choi The fact that this was the worst book I read all year, worse even than the bad Steven Universe fanfiction, and it won multiple awards makes my blood boil. I could rant about it for hours but just know that it’s a former theater kid’s take on perception and memory, and deals with sexual abuse in a way that’s handled both very badly and with a level of fake deepness that’s laughable. Select fake-deep quotes I copied down because at one point I said ‘oh barf’ aloud: -I’m filled with melancholy that’s almost compassion. It’s sad the same way. -[On a friendship ending] We almost never know what we know until after we know it. -Because we’re none of us alone in this world. We injure each other.

There are also bad sex scenes that I can’t quite make fun of because I think (HOPE?) they’re supposed to be a melodramatic take on how teenagers view sex, but I very much wanted to die. Flowers were alluded to. Nipples were compared to diamonds.

Honorable/Dishonorable Mentions (categorized as the same thing because, well,)

The Life and Death of Sophie Stark by Anna North This book was frustrating because the first third of it is fantastic. It’s set up to be a takedown of the manic pixie dream girl trope, jumping from person to person discussing their relationship with the titular Sophie, and indirectly revealing that she was just some girl and not the difficult and mysterious genius they all believed her to be. Then in the third act, BAM! She was that difficult and mysterious genius and she’s now indirectly brought all the people from her past together. I wanted to scream the plot beefed it so bad, but the good news is I really liked this octopus description.

It was the size of a three-year-old child, and it seemed awful to me that something could be so far from human and obviously want something as badly as it wanted to get out of the tank.

Radium Girls: The Dark Story of America’s Shining Women by Kate Moore Cool new nightmare speedrun strat is to hear a 2-second anecdote from a documentary that people used to get radium poisoning from painting watch faces, be curious enough that you buy a book to learn more, and be met with medical and legal horror beyond anything you could have imagined. This was almost one of my favorite books of the year! Almost.

Radium Girls is very lovingly crafted and incredibly well-researched; one of those things that’s hard to get through but that you want to read sections of again as soon as you’ve finished. The umbrage I take with it is that it’s very Catholic. The author and many of her subjects are Irish and their religion is important to them, but it casts a martyr-y narrative over the whole thing that I found uncomfortable. Seventeen-year-old girls taking a factory job they didn’t know was dangerous are framed as brave, working-class heroes, but there’s not a set moral lesson to be gained from this story. Sarah Maillefer didn’t make “a sacrifice” when she agreed to the first radium tests, she agreed because she was terrified. She didn’t think she was helping she was begging for help.

The Mushroom at the End of the World: On the Possibility of Life in Capitalist Ruins by Anna Tsing Tsing is an incredibly skilled researcher and ethnographer; there are so many good ideas in this book that I’d almost consider it essential leftist text… if I could stand the way it was structured. Tsing posits that because nature is built on precariousness she will build her book the same way, allowing it to grow like a mushroom, and thus chapters don’t progress linearly and are written more like freeform poetry than a series of academic arguments. Some people are really going to love that, but I’m me and a mushroom is a mushroom and a book is a book. I don’t think in the way Tsing does, and while I tried to keep an open mind it’s hard to play along when something is this academically dense and makes so many ambitious claims. As if to prove how different our structuring methods are, I’ve made my own thoughts into a pros and cons list

Things I liked: • ‘Contamination’ as something inherent to diversity • ‘Scalability’ as a flawed way of thinking (Tsing has written whole essays about this that I find very compelling, but a main example here is that China and the US have come down on Japanese matsutake research for being too ‘site specific’ and not yielding enough empirical data) • Discussing how Americans were so invested in self-regulating systems in the 1950s we thought they could be applied to literally everything, including ecosystems • “The survivors of war remind us of the bodies they climbed over- or shot- to get to us. We don’t know whether to love or hate the survivors. Simple moral judgements don’t come to hand.” • Any and all fieldwork Tsing shares is amazing; I especially liked reading about the culture of mushroom pickers living in the Cascades and their contained market system

Things I didn’t like: • Statements that sound deep but aren’t, e.g- “help is always in the service of another.” (Yep. That’s what that means. Unless an organism is doing something to help itself which then nullifies your whole opening argument.) • A very debatable definition of utilitarianism • “Capitalism vs pre-capitalism,” which seems like an insanely black-and-white stance for a book all about finding hidden middle ground • A chapter I found really interesting about how intertwined Japanese and American economies are, but it tries to cover the entire history of US-Japan relations. Seriously, starting with Governor Perry and continuing through present day, this could have been a whole different book and it’s a good example of what I mean when I say arguments feel too scattered (the conclusion it reaches is that in the 80s the yen was finally able to hold its own against the dollar. Just explain that part.) • A chapter arguing that ‘true biological mutualism’ is rarely a focus of STEM and is a new sociological development/way of thinking which is just… flat-out not true

For all the comparisons art gets to ‘being on a drug trip’ this anthropology textbook has come the closest for me. Moments of profound human wisdom, intercut with things I had trouble understanding because I wasn’t on the same wavelength, intercut with even more things that felt false or irrelevant. I can’t put it on the nice list but I am glad I read it.

[antialiasis]

Jesus Christ Superstar: all of my thoughts

Allll right, this will be me watching my way through Jesus Christ Superstar 2012 (the arena tour with Tim Minchin/Ben Forster) and rambling about e v e r y t h i n g as I go, prompted by me having a lot of thoughts approximately every two minutes while watching it on YouTube/rewatching it/listening to multiple other JCS productions in between. Unusually for me, there will be very little complaining. This production is not perfect but that's not really what I'm here to talk about right now, shush, let me just go on about why I love this musical, at incredible length.

(I will be talking both about particulars in this production and about JCS in general as a narrative, without explicitly distinguishing the two, but please rest assured I do know which is which. I am pretty hardcore, I have seen five different productions live (including the 2013 leg of the arena tour) as well as the movies, listened to a lot of different Gethsemanes, I know this show.)

(this will also jump wildly between deep intellectual analysis and just me shamelessly appreciating the whump content, please bear with me)

can I start off by saying I really love the band and instrumentation and arrangements in 2012

The JCS overture is really long but I love it and it's always fun to see exactly what they do with it when it's staged. This production goes with showing Jesus's followers as protesters clashing with police, following news headlines, and then, during the calm choral "betrayal leitmotif", they're all gathered around Jesus staring at him in the most ominous way - then, as the first notes of "Heaven On Their Minds" play, Jesus closes his eyes and shakes his head a little, as if snapping out of a thought - as if he just felt the coming of betrayal. Neat.

Anyway, "Heaven On Their Minds"! This is such a good song. When I first saw JCS, as my school's production in 2005, and it opened not with Jesus but with Judas, presenting these totally reasonable concerns that he has about Jesus, I was already so intrigued by where this was going. Judas is the actual protagonist of JCS; one of the main narrative things it's doing is telling these events largely from his point of view, imagining how what he did might be interpreted to be sympathetic and understandable. This is why he gets the opening number and the final proper song with the show's closing musings. If you put on JCS and treat it like it's a story about Jesus with Judas as a side character, you're doing it wrong.

The iconic opening riff of “Heaven On Their Minds” is what I’m calling the “Agony” motif in my musical motif chart, because the places it recurs are the moment Judas resolves to hang himself in “Judas’s Death” and... “The 39 Lashes”. Originally I connected it to Judas, but “The 39 Lashes” has nothing at all to do with Judas; instead, the one thing that connects these three occurrences of the motif is pain - which really rather underlines how painful it is when Judas’s mind clears and he sees what lies ahead.

So, Judas: he was one of Jesus's closest friends, and a real, true believer in what this movement was originally about: charity, compassion, noble ideals. But lately, he's seen it turn into more of a cult of personality around Jesus himself - you've begun to matter more than the things you say. Now they're all thinking Jesus is the messiah, the Son of God - and worse, it's like Jesus is starting to believe it himself.

(Tim Minchin does this little frustrated eyeroll on you really do believe this talk of God is true, and I love it. I know his vocal performance is not to everyone's taste, and I get why especially with the unwarranted autotuning on the official recording, but I just love his actual acting here, his expressions and body language, so much. I was watching him for most of the show when I saw this live, because I usually spend most of JCS looking for whether Judas is doing something interesting in the background, and it was choice. Unfortunately the editor for this official recording isn't quite as interested in what Judas is doing in the background as I am, alas, and there are a lot of bits where I'd like to get a better look at him but we don't, but there are still some very good reactions.)

So, the reason this is bad, this whole messiah thing, is not only that calling Jesus their king might rub the authorities the wrong way, but also that now they're all expecting Jesus to up and free them from Roman oppression. Which is just not a thing that he can do! Judas is worried if Jesus doesn't deliver his followers will turn against him (and they'll hurt you when they find they're wrong). He's worried if Jesus actually does try anything, or heaven forbid, his followers just do it on their own - Jesus's words are already being taken out of context and twisted to justify whatever the speaker feels like - if they step so much as a toe over the line, that'll be all the excuse the Romans need to regard the Jewish community as a whole as violent insurgents or a delusional cult and bring in the army. This movement used to be a beautiful thing, but it's become an existential threat with the potential to get them all killed. And - when Judas tries to voice these concerns, Jesus brushes them off. He won't listen. Things are spiraling out of control, and Jesus won't do anything about it.

(Note, by the way, that a big part of Judas's worries is worries about Jesus in particular getting hurt.)

(Judas is very focused here on the future, all these things looming on the horizon that could happen if things continue as they are - so when we transition abruptly into the upbeat "What's the Buzz?", where Jesus tries to get his followers to think less about the future and more about the here and now, for all that it feels like a musical and textual non-sequitur we're actually kind of staying on theme.)

Jesus hasn't been doing anything about things or listening to Judas, and is very focused on the here and now, because as it happens he knows (or at least believes) that in a few days he is going to be tortured and executed, and really he doesn't entirely know what's going to happen after that, and this is pretty terrifying and stressful and right now he's dealing with that by trying to not think about it.

Why are you obsessed with fighting times and fates you can't defy? He basically means this at this point. Why would you try to fight inevitable fates? That’s pointless; it’s not like Jesus would ever do that. You just don’t think about them. Jesus is fine. It’s fine. This is fine.

(Mary is the one person who’s actively helping Jesus take his mind off things and stay in the moment. Emotionally he really needs to just relax and think of nothing and be told everything's all right, and Mary's the person who provides that. She alone has tried to give me what I need right here and now. I contend that this is the main point of Mary's role in the first act of JCS, more than her infatuation with him.)

Buuuut of course Judas has no idea what's behind this. As far as he can tell Jesus is just kind of hypocritically wasting his time on hedonistic indulgence, like the whole Son of God thing's just gone to his head, and like everything else about the situation, it's concerning, and he tries to speak out about it, in “Strange Thing, Mystifying”...

...which prompts Jesus to lash out. There was a sort of frustration behind some of his lines in “What’s the Buzz”, but he still just seemed to be preaching a general philosophy of staying in the here and now. At Judas’s criticisms, though, he's defensive and confrontational, exhorting him to not throw stones... and he's not done: I'm amazed that men like you can be so shallow, thick and slow! There is not a man among you who knows or cares if I come or go!

That's a total strange overreaction, especially since he starts out addressing Judas but then goes on to "There is not a man among you", when nobody else was saying anything, much less anything implying they don't care about Jesus. So, obviously, this isn't really about what Judas just said. What this is showing us is that Jesus has a lot of pent-up frustrations and concerns, too, and he's in a strangely delicate mood. It's kind of an odd sequence watching it for the first time; this lashout is weird! I thought it was weird when I first saw the show! But that’s the point. It’s here because it is weird, because Jesus is not as fine as he seems.

(This is what almost every song with Jesus in it in Act I is about. It's a series of incidents - many of them based on actual bits from the Bible - of Jesus lashing out unexpectedly and/or being strongly disillusioned with his followers and vaguely, bitterly alluding to his upcoming death. The weight of anticipating his own execution is taking a real psychological toll on him from the start, and this is all building towards where all those fears and doubts and worries and anger come out in "Gethsemane". It took me the longest time to properly notice this, that Jesus isn't just sort of being a drama queen out of nowhere here; these events are being presented like this to connect them into a cohesive speculative narrative that this was all just manifestations of Jesus's anxiety about the fact he believes he's going to die in a few days and he's not sure what he's really accomplished.)

While the apostles join together in a chorus of No, you're wrong! You're very wrong!, Judas silently pulls out a cigarette, because 2012 Judas smokes to calm his nerves and I love it. The nerves don't stop him rolling his eyes again in the background at Jesus's Not one of you!, though. (Jesus has probably been having these weird, oddly self-pitying lashouts for a little while now - it feels like a "this again" sort of eye-roll.)

Judas tries again to confront Jesus during "Everything's Alright", even more emphatic, but in a more sincere and genuine way - he really wants to get through to him. No, seriously, Jesus, why are you wasting expensive ointment on your feet and hair when the poor are starving - you know, the thing this movement was supposed to be about. Mary, probably a bit higher in emotional intelligence than Judas, can obviously tell that Jesus is just pretty stressed out right now and really needs some rest, and basically just tries to get Jesus to ignore him until he goes away - but Jesus responds to him anyway. Starts calm, but there's an oddly defeatist quality to what he's saying - there’ll always be poor people, we can't save them, look at the good things you've got... and then he launches into another bitter lashout: Think while you still have me, move while you still see me - you’ll be lost, you'll be so, so sorry, when I'm gone. Strike two on Jesus-is-not-as-fine-as-he-seems.

(Seriously, though, at this point it'd be reasonable to be pretty alarmed; from an outside perspective, these lines sound kind of suicidal. Perhaps that’s why Mary immediately steps in again to try to calm him down.)

Meanwhile, Judas silently backs off. What he takes away from these two confrontations is that Jesus isn't really happy either. He's not actually thrilled with his followers or what’s going on; he just seems to feel helpless and unable to change anything at all, and has apparently just resigned himself to it, instead of even trying to fix it.

I love how gloriously ominous the "Hosanna Superstar" bit of "This Jesus Must Die" is. It really makes this upcoming cheerful song sound like an omen of doom and horror, the way it feels to the Pharisees. It’s the same melody as “We need him crucified” in “Trial Before Pilate” - apt, since the crowd’s devotion to Jesus is the real problem that causes the Pharisees to believe they need to get him killed.

Thus, the Pharisees have basically the same concerns Judas does - Jesus's mass of fans is growing out of control, they're blasphemously insisting he's their king, and it's only a matter of time before this brings the wrath of the Romans down upon the entire Jewish nation. They only go a bit further by believing the only way to properly quash this movement is to put Jesus to death. (Which is kind of dubious - surely there's a danger that martyring him will just make people more devoted - but I appreciate that they, too, get basically sympathetic motivations. It’s the oppression of the Romans that’s the real enemy here; they only see Jesus as a real problem because of how the Romans might react.)

By "Hosanna", Jesus has recovered his usual composure and passion. This is the one Jesus song where he does genuinely seem to be doing all right, and in that way it serves as a good contrast to literally everything else in this musical. In it we see a glimpse of the preacher and activist that he’s been for these three years, almost bursting with glee as he tells the Pharisees they're not going to be quiet at all thank you very much. He preaches his message to the crowd: There is not one of you who cannot win the Kingdom - a kind, positive echo of yesterday's angry lashout. He loves this, and he still loves this movement. This is what it's all supposed to be about.

...only, of course, for some people to yell "Hey, J.C., J.C., won't you die for me!", and he turns his head, his smile fading just a little (I wish the camera stayed on him a little while longer here). But he recovers and carries on. Ha ha, yeah, he'd die for you.

Jesus's own rally leads directly into Simon's rave, full of adoring fans begging Jesus to touch and kiss them. Same enthusiasm, but more obviously a product of that cult of personality that Judas was worried about. And there in the middle of it is Simon, so bright-eyed and enthusiastic about the whole thing, telling him about how with his probably over 50,000 followers, he should add just a smidge of hatred towards the Romans, and you will rise to a greater power, we will win ourselves a home! He's one of those who want Jesus to be leading a violent revolution to free them.

I like how the first portion of "Poor Jerusalem" echoes a slow, somber version of the same melody as "Simon Zealotes" as Jesus laments, almost to himself, that none of them, nobody at all, understands power, or glory, or anything. This time Jesus isn't really angry, just kind of exhausted and contemplative. Nobody really seems to get his message; these poor misguided people won't get the revolution they're hoping for; Jerusalem itself is doomed. The city wouldn't be willing to do what's needed even if they knew.

To conquer death, you only have to die is one of my favorite lines. I’m an atheist, but as a kid I remember being taught at the Christian summer camp I went to that by dying himself, Jesus conquered death. That idea is twisted and presented the other way around here: to conquer death, you only have to die. Only. An darkly ironic presentation of it as if it were easy. It’s not as easy as Jesus would like it to be - but he truly believes that it’s what he must do.

"Pilate's Dream" has the same melody as the second half of “Poor Jerusalem” - because both Jesus and Pilate are contemplating an unsettling future that they have seen.

I do think it's a little wrong that 2012 Pilate chuckles at the end of "Pilate’s Dream”, though. The whole point of this song, as far as I can tell, is that he's unsettled by this dream, and it's probably part of why he's so reluctant to sentence Jesus to death later, so I think it's an incongruous choice to make it seem like he just sort of brushed it off as nonsense.

As I mentioned before, the arena tour staging includes Simon buying a gun during "The Temple", a really chilling detail that I liked a lot and that is in no way discernible in the official recording. Maybe the editor didn't notice, maybe it just wasn't very clear in the footage they got anyway, maybe it's some sort of ratings issue where showing a gun for a few seconds would just be too much (while the lengthy, brutal torture and execution scenes coming up are totally fine). Obviously it doesn't mean anything for the later narrative or anything (especially since the actual narrative is taking place in 33 AD and guns don't actually exist, regardless of the staging choices of any particular production), but it’s a nice way of using staging to lend further support to the overall point of how Jesus's followers variously fail to understand his teachings - it strengthens both Jesus’s and Judas’s concerns.

When Jesus and Judas arrive at the temple, they're arguing once again, though we don't know what about. Given the way Jesus is striding towards the doors and Judas is trying to hold him back, I imagine Judas is worried that doing something like running into the temple and breaking tables and screaming is the sort of attention-grabbing, polarizing stunt that'd be a really bad idea, and Jesus is upset and doesn't care.

(The bouncer doesn't let Judas in. I'm guessing Jesus tells him Judas is harassing him or something, within the staging-narrative where the temple is a nightclub that has a bouncer.)

So Jesus goes and smashes a table and yells at everyone to get out. This is probably where Jesus begins to alienate a lot of people, who were having a great time at the temple only for him to come in and have a breakdown at them.

(He's so angry, breathing hard, fists clenched after everyone's left. This isn't really about the temple either. He's really begun to realize how many of his followers don't get it at all, and he doesn't have time to fix that. He's been trying for so long and he's so tired.)

The leper bit makes a pretty similar point. Jesus wants to help all these people, and tries - but there are too many, and they're crowding him, and he's not going to be around to help them for much longer - so he desperately tells them to heal themselves, and they leave, probably thinking wow Jesus is kind of a jerk.

I'm sorry, I don't have anything to say about "I Don't Know How to Love Him", love ballads are pretty consistently my least favorite song in every musical, I like and appreciate Mary but my investment in this song pretty much begins and ends with its role in setting up the twisted reprise in "Judas's Death"

I enjoy the fourth-wall-leaning audacity of having the guitarist spotlighted on stage playing the solo before "Damned For All Time", and Judas is looking at him like "who are you, go away", and keeps looking evasively back at him while he's slowly getting the Pharisees' number out of his wallet and calling it. (It also helps show Judas feels pretty guilty and shameful about doing this, and works better for that than having extras on stage - if it were extras, we might expect that them witnessing this could actually mean something later, but when it's the guitarist, it's obvious he's just serving as an anonymous stand-in for a hypothetical random stranger who isn't literally part of the story.)

I like the shot of Judas looking into the security camera outside the Pharisees' building. (That’s decidedly not the same hairdo Tim Minchin has on stage, though.)

Judas opens his talk with the Pharisees, without even greeting them first, by frantically justifying himself, talking about how this is weird and hard for him but there was just nothing else he could do, he's not hoping for a reward or anything, he's been forced to do this, he's not a dirty traitor, please don't think that. He really doesn't want to be here. But here he is anyway, because Jesus can't control it like he did before - and furthermore I know that Jesus thinks so too, Jesus wouldn't mind that I'm here with you. He's seen Jesus over the past few days and he's pretty sure he has this figured out. Jesus can see just as well as he does where things are headed - it's just he's helpless to control it and doesn't know what to do about it. So this has to be done. He'd probably want Judas to bail him out of this, just get him arrested and the movement shut down, for everyone's sake. (Jesus is so self-sacrificing, after all.) Right? He'd be fine with this. Right? (Judas is fine.)

("Damned For All Time" is just Judas wildly word-vomiting trying to placate his own guilt and I love it. He's legitimately afraid of where things are headed if he doesn't do this, and thinks it has to ultimately be the right thing, but that doesn't make him feel any better about it.)

(I like how Caiaphas just sort of coolly listens to him ramble his head off like this while he sips his drink.)

Judas goes for a cigarette again (calming those nerves), and Annas helpfully lights it for him - prompting Judas's next ramble. Annas, you're a friend, a worldly man and wise - Caiaphas, my friend, I know you sympathize. It's not like he's selling Jesus out to anyone unreasonable. Annas is nice! We three, we get it, right? You get it. We're the people who can see when a difficult thing just has to be done, did I mention I HAVE to do this and this is not about money - only for Annas to tell him to cut it out with this blather and excuses and just give them the information they want. And also, they'll pay him handsomely!

I don't need your blood money! Judas says, then I don't want your blood money! Sometimes these lines are reversed, which sounds better - there's something more satisfying about the vowel in need than in want - but I think textually this original order is important. First he's sort of polite-ish-ly declining, saying no, he doesn't need any money, but then when they insist, he declines more firmly, that he doesn't want it either. (I love the way he shoves Annas's hand away.) It's so important to Judas's own principles that he came here because he thinks it's right, not because he wants payment; the idea of being paid makes it way worse.

...But then Caiaphas grabs the cigarette out of his mouth (leaving him a bit shaken with nothing to hold onto anymore) and goes well, you can give it to charity, or to the poor; they understand that's not why he's doing this, but they'd still like to pay him a fee. And that's the reason he ultimately does take the money: because just a few days earlier he was telling Jesus off for letting money be wasted when it could have gone to the poor. How could he do the same?

(Judas is not doing this for the money in this show. He is not being tempted by the money. He was not going to take the money until he was told he could give it to charity. One of the professional live productions I saw just did not understand this at all, and no. Judas is the protagonist! He is not here for the money! It's done right here, with the Pharisees just throwing the money at him after he names Gethsemane, and him not even reacting, just slowly picking it up afterwards. Tim Minchin gets Judas.)

I like to think the Well done, Judas / Good old Judas chorus is sort of the voice of the Divine Plan, such as it is, which he's now done his first part in.

"The Last Supper" has slowly become one of my favorite parts of the entire show, and I particularly enjoy it in this particular production.

Judas walks in and doesn't look at Jesus at all - can't quite bear to, at the moment. Jesus looks after him, knowing exactly what's going on... and that's when he starts in on The end is just a little harder when brought about by friends.

Jesus has a drink of the wine, which I like a lot. This definitely is a drinking sort of moment. I like the idea of him being a little inebriated in this scene.

For all you care, this wine could be my blood. For all you care, this bread could be my body. The end... This is my blood you drink, this is my body you eat. Judas reflexively rolls his eyes again - Jesus off on one of these weird sorts of rants yet again. (As with so much, I love that Jesus Christ Superstar takes this bit of the Bible and lets it just be a weird thing to say, recontextualizes it as an empty, halfhearted statement that he doesn't feel like his followers even care hours before his impending arrest, instead of treating it as something profound and meaningful. Again and again, Jesus is portrayed less as a noble profound religious figure and more as just a person haunted by mounting dread and anxiety, and I love it so much.)

Jesus sort of tries to make this into a nice, comforting thing, to ask them to remember him when they eat and drink - but it doesn't work. It's happening tonight, and here they all are, these people, his supposed followers, who don't understand a thing he's said, ever, and Jesus just breaks. I must be mad, thinking I'll be remembered! Yes, I must be out of my head! Look at your blank faces! My name will mean nothing ten minutes after I'm dead! (Judas looks up vaguely, kind of concerned - Jesus, this is further than he usually goes.) One of you denies me, one of you betrays me! And that's when Judas really looks up. Jesus knows.

There's a pause, a commotion, and Jesus is going to just retreat and leave it at that - but no, then he keeps going. He calls out Peter specifically for being about to deny him three times, shoving him, and then yells about how one of my twelve chosen will leave to betray me! At which Judas finally stands up. Cut out the dramatics! You know very well who! It's obvious that somehow Jesus found out. (Maybe Judas thinks the guitarist might have told on him.)

Judas's surprised You want me to do it? when Jesus tells him to go do it delights me. Judas, I thought you knew that Jesus totally wanted you to do this. It's almost like you didn't really know that at all and just convinced yourself of that to feel better about it. (Obviously, though, Jesus clearly doesn't actually want it so much, does he, the way he's shouting.)

Judas tries to explain himself but Jesus doesn't care - he doesn’t want to hear about why one of his most trusted friends wants to betray him to the authorities, not when this has to happen and he can’t prevent it. Judas is really nervous and defensive and hurt by his hostility, declares he hates Jesus now. (You liar, you Judas! Jesus says, which is kind of hilarious and also - yeah, he's a liar, he doesn't hate Jesus at all.) You wanted me to do it? What if I just stayed here and ruined your ambition? Christ, you deserve it! Judas still kind of wants to just stay and cancel the whole thing, even if it's simply justified as petulant spite. But Jesus tells him to just go already; he just wants to get this over with, as quickly as possible, because it hurts.

Judas is near tears as he turns away to get his things. The apostles have no idea what's going on, singing, some of them trying to see if Judas is okay, which suggests they have no idea what they were even talking about - whatever this 'betrayal' is supposed to be, it doesn’t cross their minds that Judas is about to get Jesus arrested.

Judas trudges up the steps, batting them away, still on the verge of tears - only then he stops, his face changing. And he throws down his backpack and turns for one final confrontation with Jesus. You sad, pathetic man! Look what you've brought us to! Our ideals die around us, and all because of you! This is still about their ideals for him, after all. And yet, saddest of all, someone had to turn Jesus in - like a common criminal, he first says, but then, like a wounded animal, someone helpless to help themselves, who needs to be pitied and put out of their misery. Jesus could have done something. Jesus could have put a stop to this. Why does he have to do it? (Why does he have to do it?)

Every time I look at you, I don't understand why you let the things you did get so out of hand. You'd have managed better if you'd had it planned. Why? Jesus does have a plan, of sorts, of course - it's just that this is all part of it. Judas doesn't believe Jesus is actually the Son of God, or that he could possibly have a "plan" that involves dying for some grand cosmic cause. As far as he can tell Jesus's actions are just bizarre and pathetic and self-defeating, and he's been saddled with the unfortunate, dirty job of saving Jesus from himself.

(Judas presumably still doesn't realize that the Pharisees plan to literally have him killed. I doubt he'd be doing this, or at least not in this way, if he knew.)

In the wake of this final confrontation, Mary hugs Peter, who Jesus just shoved and accused of denying him. She considers going to Jesus too, but Peter convinces her they'd probably best leave it alone. Peter himself seems to be considering going to Jesus, but then doesn't. Everyone dejectedly goes to sleep. Jesus is alone for tonight, his apostles alienated, his right-hand man gone as Jesus must wait for him to return with soldiers and set the dreaded end in motion. This must be the loneliest, most awful night of his life.

Jesus rubs his hand hard against a stair as the apostles are finishing their song - an agitated fidget that I am far more fond of than I should be. As he realizes they've all gone to sleep, he grips it instead, something to hold on to. Will no one stay awake with me? Peter, John, James? He just sounds broken and like he's about to cry. Which is good. He sings all of Gethsemane sounding like he's on the verge of tears and that's exactly how it should sound, do not at me.

(Please bear with me as I go on about this Gethsemane because it's my favorite one ever at this point, haters to the left)

See, when I first saw this production (I saw the official recording once before I realized it was still on and I could see it live), I didn't really like Ben Forster's Jesus for the first half! He seemed sort of over-the-top and I wasn't the biggest fan of his voice and all in all I was ehhh on him. But then he did "Gethsemane" and I just felt it to my core in a way I'd never felt it before, and it floored me. I've watched and listened to a lot of versions of this song. There are better singers who make it more pleasant to listen to - but they tend to be very dignified and Jesus-y about it, like this poised religious figure just having a brief moment of vulnerability and emotionality. Even the performances specifically praised for being emotional tend to be the ones that just make it really angry. And I've seen a lot of great ones of both varieties! But Ben Forster just makes it so raw and human. Like this terrified, exhausted, desperate human being who's spent the entire preceding hour of this play dreading this thing that's coming, his resolve finally faltering in this moment of agonizing solitude as his doubts and fears and frustrations finally come pouring out, how much he wants to call the whole thing off, begging to either not have to do this or at least be properly convinced why he should. It's what made me properly start to look at Jesus's character progression during this story in the first place and notice all the buildup about his fragile mental state that's always been there in the lyrics. This is the “Gethsemane” that made me really, truly care about Jesus.

he's rubbing the stair again at the beginning of the song, I'm sorry I love fidgets and nervous gestures you guys

I've never heard anyone emphasize three years the way Ben Forster does, and the desperation of it hits me in the heart. Weren't these three years enough?

Let's talk about You're far too keen on where and how, and not so hot on why, which is pretty key to this show’s interpretation of Jesus. He and the Almighty are definitively not the same entity here; Jesus knows or believes he knows a lot of things about how this is all going to play out, and even some of the future beyond that (in "Poor Jerusalem"), but he doesn't actually understand what his death is supposed to accomplish. He knows that he's going to be crucified and it's going to happen because Judas betrays him and so on and so on, and that this is all supposedly very important, and Jesus has been willing to accept that without question, but really he doesn't know the whys here and never has, and as much as he's just never questioned it anyway because of his absolute conviction that this is God’s plan, he can't not do so now, when he's going to have to suffer an agonizing death in the service of these inscrutable goals, not sometime in the vague far future but soon.

(Technically, for all we know, Jesus isn’t the Son of God. God doesn’t answer him; the song is a monologue. Jesus has suspiciously specific knowledge of the future but that’s about it as far as actual concrete evidence of his divinity goes in this show. But what matters is that he believes this is what God wills.)

His initial All right. I'll die. Just watch me die! is so spiteful, only for the following lines to just turn into this anguished scream, and it kills me

I love the way he collapses on the stairs, and just finally breaks down and starts crying, and there's that agitated rubbing of the stair again

The second three years is just exhausted and my heart still breaks for it. These have been a hard three years. Seems like ninety.

Why then am I scared to finish is probably my favorite line in this. He just sounds so broken and desperate and actually scared, and his body language is so tense and agitated and desperate; he's so angry at himself for being scared when this has been the plan all along and for some reason now he just can’t seem to go through with it.

And then he has that realization. What I started? ...What you started. I didn't start it! This isn't his plan. He's just a cog in God's machinery. It's a fixed, unavoidable fate, isn't it? And he finds a kind of desperate acceptance in just thinking of it that way - at least for a moment (before I change my mind!). But it's a spiteful acceptance. He's addressing God now. I will drink your cup of poison, nail me to your cross and break me, bleed me, beat me, kill me, take me now! Because it's you who are doing this. It's your cross, you who are killing me. Note the contrast to earlier: Let them hate me, hit me, hurt me, nail me to their tree. It's not actually the people who are responsible for any of this, even if they’ll technically be the ones to do the deed; it's God's plan, his cross, his crucifixion.

I love how he looks so tense standing there afterwards while the audience is applauding, because he's not actually waiting for applause, he's waiting for the soldiers to arrest him and set him on the path to his execution. Arms spread at first, in a come at me sort of way, but then he just clenches his fists at his sides, eyes closed, still waiting.

There he is. They're all asleep, the fools. Implying Judas wouldn't have just gone to sleep, if he'd been left there. AU where Jesus has literally anyone to comfort him, instead of standing there alone desperately pleading to God to not have him killed. Hnngh.

The kiss is just as it is in the Bible, of course. But there, it's presented as a sort of extra nasty element of this betrayal, that he'd be betrayed with a kiss. Here, it's more like Judas just wants to say goodbye, one last time, and does it in this kind of tender way.

And... Jesus breaks down crying, clings to him, pulls him into a hug. Because of course he does. The reminder that Judas still cares, memories of everything they've been through together, and the knowledge this is probably his last chance at some kind of comforting human contact? Of course he does. He just wants to not be alone, for a few seconds, before the end.

At first Judas just sort of lets him do it, but by the time the soldiers come along to separate them, Judas is clinging to Jesus, too. Ohh, my heart.

The apostles wake up at the commotion and are immediately on their feet to fight off the soldiers. There is not a man among you who knows or cares if I come or go, Jesus said, a few days ago; now here they are, worrying for him, wanting to save him. But he has to stop them. He mustn't be saved, and they'd only get themselves hurt. Put away your sword - don't you see that it's all over? It was nice but now it's gone. That exhausted resignation.

Why are you obsessed with fighting? Stick to fishing from now on. He doesn't sound angry here - it's just kind of a gentle rebuke. He's touched that they tried. I like that he plays it that way; it'd be legit to make it angry, but in the context of how Jesus has spent a lot of time feeling like they don't really care at all and in this moment it finally becomes clearer to him that they do - not to mention that this is basically his final goodbye to them - it makes sense to let it be kind of tender.

From this point on, Jesus has to just quietly accept his fate. He's very silent, barely says anything - because now things just have to play out how they play out, and nothing he says will change anything, nor should change anything.

The reporters asking questions here (to the melody of "The Temple") are one of the relatively few major anachronisms baked into the actual lyrics as opposed to any particular production. They're not really reporters; it's kind of a representation of some of his previous followers watching this as a kind of spectacle, expecting him to make a dramatic escape or fight back, excited by what's happening (you'll just DIE in the high priest's house!), rather than sympathizing or caring. These are the people who are going to ultimately turn against him as a mob and pressure Pilate into crucifying him.

Caiaphas asks if Jesus is the Son of God. Jesus says That's what you say, yet another line based directly on the Bible. Growing up I always just found that kind of a silly thing for him to say - why won't he just stick to his story instead of suddenly acting like he never said such a thing? But it makes real sense here. Again, Jesus is resigned to his fate, to passively letting this happen. He's not going to deny it or try to get out of it, because he can't and mustn't. But he has no desire to speak up about how the rocks and stones will sing for him right now, or actively provoke them and give them more reasons to persecute him. He's just going to stand here and let things happen until it's over.

(also, he probably doesn't really feel so much like the Son of God right now)

Judas, thank you for the victim! Stay a while and you'll see him bleed! In this production, Caiaphas and Annas both say the last sentence together, but originally it's just Annas, which has always led me to feel that where Caiaphas is pure cold pragmatism and just believes this is what needs to be done for the sake of the nation, Annas is bit of a twisted son of a bitch. He's obviously intentionally twisting the knife here, because he thinks Judas's conflictedness about the whole thing is a bit pathetic and hilarious and likes to see him squirm.

(let me complain again about the editor not letting us see Judas's reaction to this line)

Peter's reluctance to throw his phone on the fire is a mood

also him threatening the homeless people with a broken bottle when they keep pressing him on whether he was with Jesus, before Mary takes it off him, is something I enjoy

Pilate and Christ probably takes place at Pilate’s gym in this staging to show Pilate hasn’t even made time for Jesus in an official capacity - he’s just being unexpectedly brought before him in his off time, hence why he’s particularly dismissive here.

Jesus barely looks at Pilate. Another dispassionate That's what you say.

How can someone in your state be so cool about his fate? An amazing thing, this silent king. Of course, Pilate doesn't understand any more than anyone else that Jesus being crucified is the plan. Again, Jesus is just letting this play out.

He does look up when Pilate declares he should go to Herod instead, though. It must be torture for him having this drawn out further. Poor Jesus, having to suffer through a comic relief number when he just wants to get this over with.

Jesus does look at Herod as he's making all these offers of letting him free if he'll just perform a miracle. It's got to be a tempting thought despite everything. But no, he must still sit there and let it happen.

"These results are for entertainment purposes only and do not reflect any real votes. The outcome is predetermined by the character of King Herod who clearly is going to find Jesus guilty of being a fraud otherwise it would be a very short Act 2." Going all the way with that fourth-wall-breaking.

the bit where they put the hood over Jesus's head sure hits some specific button I didn't realize I had

Judas there with his head buried in his hands in the background towards the end of "Could We Start Again Please" ohhhh

I feel like the usual implication with the abrupt opening of "Judas's Death" is that Judas has just been seeing Jesus being beaten, whereas here he's explicitly sitting there with the apostles contemplating what he's done and just gets up and freaks out when Caiaphas and Annas happen to walk by. I like him punching Caiaphas, but the way he just goes from zero to sixty there does feel a little weird. I don't care, though, Judas in the background during "Could We Start Again Please" is worth it.

For all that Judas is mortified by the way Jesus is being made an example of, he can also see the way his name will forever be associated with treachery, and none of his good intentions meant anything at all in the end. He’s wracked with guilt at what he’s done, but additionally all he can see in the future is being vilified and reviled, blamed for Jesus’s murder.

Ugh Annas kicking Judas while he's down he's such a bastard

Tim Minchin goes so all out on making "Judas's Death" just ugly anguished screaming and crying and I am so here for it.

Judas has never believed in the divinity of Jesus, but Jesus has some strange, intense, frightening quality that both Judas and Mary can feel, and just before his final breakdown, although Judas is telling himself that He's a man - he's just a man!, he seems to be starting to feel that that's not quite true: he starts to wonder if Jesus will leave him be after his death, and then right after the "I Don't Know How to Love Him" reprise is where his mental state takes a turn as he realizes God is behind all this, that perhaps the whole thing was planned.

The projecting images of Jesus' torment up onto the background screen as Judas is despairing is also very good - Jesus hasn't even been sentenced yet but he knows where this is headed and he sure is imagining it and feeling responsible for it.

Judas, like Jesus, concludes here that it's God who orchestrated all this and he never got a choice. In his case, though, it's serving as a way of running from his guilt. We got to hear all about his reasons for thinking this was the right thing to do, after all - it's not as if he was literally controlled into anything. He didn't realize he was dooming Jesus to a horrible death at the time, but he still did it of his own free will. And it isn't a real comfort - all it means is that in his final anguished moments he has someone to scream his despair at. You have murdered me!

(hang me from your tree)

the particular scream and sob that he does as he kicks the box out from under him hits my buttons very hard hhhh

Poor old Judas, so long, Judas, goes the Plan chorus. There's a pretty callous quality to that, appropriately enough for a very callous Plan involving a lot of suffering.

Please give my compliments to the sound designer who makes a point of turning on Jesus' microphone so we can hear his strained breathing before "Trial Before Pilate" begins

Jesus's resolve to say nothing of substance is breaking by this point, and he actually answers Pilate's "Where is your kingdom?" I have got no kingdom in this world, I'm through, through, through - there may be a kingdom for me somewhere, if I only knew. It's probably pretty hard to feel like he's headed for a triumphant resurrection right now, and the fact he's spilling those doubts to Pilate in a moment of frustrated honesty is pretty tragic.

(Some versions, including the 1973 movie, change this lyric to if you only knew. No! Bad! The whole point here is Jesus doubting it! If you want to change it you should not be putting on this show!)

Then he's a king? It’s what you say I am! I look for truth and find that I get damned! This frustration coming out here is so good.

Pilate's frustration is very good too - just dripping off every line. This mob of people insisting he sentence this harmless fool to death (one who reminds him uncomfortably of this dream that he had the other day), crowing about Caesar all of a sudden like they're oh so very concerned with protecting Caesar's authority.

As Jesus once again refuses to talk, there’s a brief mournful instrumental interlude before Look at your Jesus Christ - this is a slowed-down version of a bit of “Prescience”, the motif from “Pilate’s Dream”. He remembers that unsettling dream, consciously or unconsciously, and feels sympathy and pity for this strange man before him. After that is when he begins to argue that Jesus hasn’t committed any crime and there’s no reason to kill him.

can we appreciate that Webber and Rice went and made a song called "The 39 Lashes" that's literally just Pilate counting excruciatingly to 39 while Jesus screams in pain

can we also appreciate Jesus writhing on the floor after rolling down the stairs, Ben Forster really goes for it in acting out all this pain and torture and I love him for it

Why do you not speak when I have your life in my hands? asks Pilate, and Jesus just about musters the energy to say, You have nothing in your hands. Any power you have comes to you from far beyond - everything is fixed and you can't change it! He's kind of desperate to make Pilate understand this. Pilate keeps on trying to get Jesus to say something that'll let him release him, but that can't happen, because this must be so. Pilate needs to just play his part and get it over with, please get it over with.

And so, Pilate has to appease the mob and let him die, even though he doesn't want to at all, and tries to wash his hands of it. Much like in his dream, though, he'll in fact be remembered as the guy who sentenced Jesus to death. Clearly didn't wash your hands well enough, Pilate

It's such a delightfully bold creative decision to place an upbeat number like "Superstar" right here as Jesus is about to be crucified.

It's fascinating to see the differences in how this song in particular is staged; it's so abstract and disconnected that different directors really go nuts with it. Some productions, including the 2000 movie, imply Judas has come out of Hell to taunt him; the movie in particular makes a point of having Judas lazily, cruelly stand on the cross while Jesus is trying to carry it, grinning at his agony, surrounded by scantily clad demon women, though he has a moment of doubt and guilt as Jesus stares at him. (That movie generally posits Judas as not in control of his actions at all - so God is apparently basically just making him do this as part of his torture in Hell, which is delightfully twisted.) Others (including this one and the 1973 movie) have him among angels, as if he's descended from Heaven. In the 1973 movie Carl Anderson seems largely to just be singing it to himself - it cuts to Jesus carrying the cross a few times, but Judas isn't there.

Here, "Superstar" feels a bit like a delirious hallucination Jesus is experiencing. Judas descends on the stage lights that are about to form the cross (what an entrance) and performs the song surrounded by angels while Jesus is being affixed to the cross; they look at each other, but Judas doesn't really interact with him. There's definitely no taunting; Tim Minchin plays it in a very good-natured way, not even the kind of angry questioning of Carl Anderson in the 1973 movie. Effectively, despite the hallucinatory vibes, the way it comes across to me is Judas really is actually there in spirit, from a timeless afterlife, having had an eternity to think and come to terms with and understand what Jesus was doing - and finally just asking him some questions, without judgement. Is he what they say he is? What does he think about Buddha and Mohammed? Why didn't he choose a different time period where it would've been easier to spread his message? Did he know his death would inspire millions? It's all a sort of musing, fourth-wall-leaning modern perspective, not hostile, just curious.

Also this version just makes me happy because Judas seems happy and mentally at peace in the afterlife and who doesn't want that

Anyway, from that to Jesus crying on the cross. And I mean crying. Once again Ben Forster delivers the human suffering element of this story. "The Crucifixion" is a weird, weird song, chaotic and noisy and kind of offputting and tends to feel sort of inappropriate for the mood; in this production you don't even notice because the staging is so brutal. There's no cool symbolic dignity to this; Jesus is just crying and screaming and sobbing the whole time, yelling the disconnected final-words lines in an agonized, delirious haze. You actually believe you're watching a man dying in agony, God damn. It hurts and I love it.

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? is the most gutwrenching line, of course. (And straight out of the Bible, lest we forget - I think it’s fascinating that in the likely oldest gospel of Mark as well as Matthew, this horrible, heartwrenching, human cry is all he says on the cross, while the gospels of John and Luke instead each feature their own disjoint sets of more profound-sounding sayings. It’s hard not to wonder if the other lines might be inventions by those gospels’ human authors or their sources, people who perhaps just didn’t want Jesus’s final words to be something so achingly desperate and vulnerable.) He's done all this to carry out God's great plan, and yet in this moment, in the middle of this nightmare of slow, unending agony, he feels certain that God has abandoned him and he's just dying, alone, pointlessly, for nothing. Ow, my empathetic heart.

You can hear him feeling death approaching at last and the relief he feels at that realization just before It is finished and Father, into your hands I commend my spirit

(it's easier to believe again when his suffering is finally, mercifully about to end)

Ben Forster also does a very good job not visibly breathing when he's playing a corpse. On this blog we appreciate the little things.

I've always found it pretty neat and interesting that Jesus Christ Superstar does not include the resurrection or any allusion to it at all; he just dies on the cross, they mourn and carry him away, and the show ends. Again, the only thing in this show that’s at all supernatural is that Jesus seems to know the future, and even that is fairly ambiguous. It's a story about human suffering, and it's a hugely compelling story without him rising from the dead at the end, which'd just kind of cheapen it. You can imagine that he did, but this ending invites you to contemplate that this story is just as meaningful if he did not.

In conclusion, Jesus Christ Superstar is one of my absolute favorite things and the 2012 arena tour is my baby

Thank you for coming to my TED talk

[belladxne]

i will see you where the shadow ends | chapter 2

[see notes for ao3 and ff links]

part of the put your faith in the light that you cannot see series AU: Breath of the Wild pairing: KiriBaku word count: 5,548

chapter 2: there’s a stirring in this head of mine (i can’t find the things i’d known)

Inko, Eijiro is not at all surprised to discover, is a very kind old woman. She tells him a little about the Great Plateau—about how it’s said to be the birthplace of Hyrule, about the nearby ruins of a once-significant temple left abandoned after the decline of the kingdom one hundred years before, about how she’d been living here some fifty years and hasn’t had a visitor in decades. He’s suddenly very glad he did decide to talk with her.

He doesn’t know how to even begin to explain his situation when she asks, mostly because he doesn’t know anything about it himself, but she doesn’t pry further. She warns him of monsters in the area, and offers him her torch to use as a weapon should he run across any.

And when they’re done talking, she gives him directions to her home, and asks—well, insists, really, that he join her for lunch, so long as he hunts around for some of their meal himself and helps her cook. Eijiro’s—well, he’s very anxious to get going and figure out just what it is the voice needs him to do, but he has no idea how to do that, and no idea how to even start to figure it out, so he can’t find a good reason to turn her down.

Also… a home-cooked meal sounds really good and the mysteriously disappeared voice isn’t berating him or anything for so much as considering it, so he doesn’t really want to turn her down. The matter settled, Inko shifts, brushes herself off, and reaches a hand out to him imploringly.

“Be a dear and help me up, won’t you?” she asks, voice tinged with humor. “These old bones just aren’t as sprightly as they used to be, I’m afraid.”

Eijiro’s already reaching to help before she even finishes speaking, smiling brightly as he chirps, “Of course!”

He was right when he thought of her as a little old lady before. She’s not quite a foot shorter than him, but Eijiro still towers over her just a little when he gently pulls her to her feet, and he flashes a huge, sharp-toothed grin when the portly woman grants him a grateful look and thanks him, before turning and gathering her walking stick.

“Glad to help!” He beams—before gasping suddenly. “Your cloak!”

She pauses in her steps, looking down at it as though she expects to find a tear, or a stain. “Hm?”

“It’s—that’s the Sheikah symbol on the back,” he says, bouncing on his feet with excitement because—because—he might be actually getting somewhere, finally!

“Oh!” Understanding crosses her face, and Inko nods. “So it is.”

“So—so if you’re a Sheikah—you have to know something about the cave I just came out of! It was—I don’t know, these two weird sealed rooms, with smooth stone walls that had glowing constellations on them? I was in some, uh, tub of weird blue liquid? The door to get out—the big, main door—it had the Sheikah symbol on it.”

He hadn’t really thought about how batshit the stuff he was saying was, until he sees how high the eyebrows on her face have lifted. But—but if she’s Sheikah, she has to know something. Doesn’t she? Even if this is crazy, she should be able to tell him something.

He knows the desperation is showing on his face, but he can’t help it. If she can tell him anything at all about the strange place he woke up, then maybe it’ll give him some hint of where he needs to go. He has to find the voice—has to help him with—with—he doesn’t even know what, and that’s the whole problem.

“Well, that’s...” Inko flounders, and Eijiro can already tell from the way her brows draw together and the lines on her face deepen in thought that he’s not going to get what he wants out of this conversation. Please, he wants to beg—her, or the Goddesses, or someone. But he doesn’t know what good it would do, and Inko keeps speaking, “quite the story.”

He must look truly pathetic in his disappointment, because it’s unimaginable how thoroughly sympathetic and rueful her own expression grows in response. It almost kinda makes him feel worse, knowing that he must look that pitiful about it.

“I’m sorry, Eijiro,” she says, finally, once she seems to have processed the—well, the mess of a recounting he’d given her. “I spent most of my life with the Sheikah, but I don’t even come close to knowing all their secrets. A lot of it’s beyond me, to be honest—and that’s just counting the things the Sheikah themselves remember.” She shrugs gently, hands spreading out before her in apology. “It sounds like you’re talking about one of many, many ancient structures the Sheikah built ten thousand years ago—and even the Sheikah have forgotten much of their history and workings. An effort was made a hundred years ago to unearth them and study them, but—well… with the fall of the kingdom, not enough progress was made. I doubt there’s a soul alive who can fully explain what you just described to me.”

Eijiro’s shoulders slump, and he sighs. “But… you can’t tell me anything?”

Again, the compassion and remorse overtake her expression. “Why don’t you get to work on finding something for us to eat, and we’ll brainstorm over lunch? I won’t be able to tell you much, but it’ll be easier for us both to figure out on full stomachs after a warm meal, I think.”

It doesn’t occur to him until after he’s sullenly agreed, set off, and faced up against no less than four bokoblins—weak ones, which gave him a lot more trouble than he thinks they should have—that Inko didn’t even really question that he’d said he’d woken up in the strange basin of glowing blue water, or ask him how he’d gotten there at all.

Not that he’d have been able to answer, but it strikes him as just a little odd. Or a lot odd.

He’ll go with a lot.

It’s when he’s scaling a large rock jutting out of the middle of a field near Inko’s house to gather some rushrooms from the cracks in the stone that he hears it—or, well, almost hears it. He kind of misses it, at first, though he tilts his head when there’s just—almost—something. He assumes he’s imagining it, because it’s so barely-there, but as he moves to tuck the rushrooms in his pocket it’s a little stronger, a little more pressing, and it has the indescribable feeling of the voice.

He startles, so excited to hear from him again that he loses his grip on the stone, and it’s all he can do to keep from dropping the rushrooms as he slides and skids his way some fifteen feet down the rock face. His feet hit the earth at the base of the surface with a heavy thump, but he manages not to stumble or keel over.

Eijiro…

The voice is muted and distant somehow, but he hears it this time, head jerking around wildly even though he knows at this point he’s not going to find its source. It’s just instinct, to look for him.

Eijiro, the voice persists, and this time it’s actually distinct, only growing clearer and more solidly present the longer he speaks, Don’t just ignore that Sheikah Slate I left you. There’s a point marked on the map. Go there.

Eijiro doesn’t know the voice can see him, but he thinks he can. The comments he’d gotten earlier make the most sense if the voice was watching somehow. So he nods, tucking the rushrooms he’d grabbed into his pocket and reaching for the Sheikah Slate with the same hand. He winces expectantly when he glances towards his free hand, the one he’d scrabbled against the stone surface for purchase when he’d begun to slip, expecting to discover his fingers scraped raw, but—

—he blinks when his eyes find that his hand’s not really much of a hand, at the moment; the skin replaced by vivid crimson scales, fingers and nails sharpened to something more like talons, making his hand look something more like a claw. Like a dragon claw.

He can do that. He can do that! He hasn’t thought about it once, since waking—hadn’t once bothered to ponder what his sharp, fang-like teeth meant, mostly because it was so normal to him, so straightforward. Of course he’s dragonblooded—it’s not something he’s remembering, but more something he’d known the whole time and just hadn’t thought about.

When he pulls his hand away from the stone, his dragonscales and claws soften and mold back into regular skin exactly the way he’s used to as he reaches a finger to navigate the screen of the Sheikah Slate. A map, this thing has a map somehow… and he finds it, after just a moment—though, uh, map seems like maybe an overstatement.

It’s just a blank blue screen, dark and not at all very informative. The only distinctive features are a few lighter blue lines that seem to section off huge chunks of land and three symbols sort of near to each other in the middle: an odd blue emblem, a flashing yellow circle, and below them a yellow triangular arrow—which he figures out must mark his position on the map when he turns the slate, and the arrow rotates with him.

That… that’s crazy, he thinks; sure, you can mark your current position on a map, but to have that mark move with you? And even keep track of the way you’re facing on the map? He doesn’t know if this is magic or some other means, but he still thinks it’s crazy. And cool as all hell.

Based on his own orientation, he thinks the blue marking must be the odd cavern he’d come from. When he moves his finger over it, words appear on the surface of the map—it says Shrine of Resurrection in text of the same bright blue, and below that, in smaller text, Travel. He stares. What does that mean? What does that mean—resurrection?

It gives him an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach. Why in the hell is he popping out of weird tubs of glowing stuff in a shrine of resurrection with no idea who he is or how he got there? Is he a dead guy? Oh, gods, is he a ghost? What the hell is going on?

Oi, oi. The voice gets his attention, snapping him out of his thoughts as they spiral further into conspiracy theorizing, but this time the voice doesn’t ease any of his anxiety as he tears his gaze from the—the shrine on the map. You’re wasting daylight, asshole. Get moving.

Again, he finds himself pouting. “Has anyone ever told you you’re pretty grumpy?”

The voice doesn’t dignify that with a response, so he sighs, eyes once more drawn to the bright blue text, and with a swallow he tears his eyes away instead towards the flashing yellow circle. Even without process of elimination, that’s obviously the point the voice was talking about.

Clipping the Sheikah Slate back onto his belt, Eijiro reaches down to his feet where he’d left his satchel—it was easier to climb without it—and pulls it over his shoulder, numb and distracted. He moves the rushrooms from his pocket to the bag, and then sets off. Even with his mind muddled and desperate for answers, it doesn’t occur to him to ignore what the voice said. He just—just knows it. If the voice wants him to do something, he has a good reason.

There are quite a few bokoblins between him and the mark on the map—most of them scattered in the field directly around his destination. It’s taxing, fighting them all, but the rhythm of combat settles him somewhat. It’s mindless and familiar, and shifts his thinking to action. There isn’t time to get existential when he’s got to keep track of enemies’ positions, the pattern of their strikes, his own dodges and attempts to get past their guards.

So he’s a lot more grounded by the time he’s slinging a boko bow over his back, one that he’s just pilfered from one of the last few monsters guarding this spot. He pulls out the Sheikah Slate to double check, but…

But he’s here. He’s here, and it’s... just a pile of rocks. The voice had... sent him to a stack of boulders?

Why?

He does see something, though, now that he narrows his eyes at the gap in between the boulders—a hint of stone that looks different. Looks like the same smooth, tan material he’d seen some of in the dark interior of the… the Shrine of Resurrection. Immediately more alert, he jogs closer.

He realizes quickly that there’s more space than he thought under the huge slabs of stone—that the rocks are covering and held up by another structure, the tan stone he’d seen forming pillars of some sort, maybe? There’s a ridge, like a low half-wall, made of the same stuff, and when he gets under the overhang of rock that darkens it all, he sees that the floor of this area is the same black stone from inside the shrine, and in the center of it all—another pedestal.

Clambering over the low ridge ringing the structure, he all but runs to the pedestal, in a hurry to inspect it. Unlike the ones in the shrine, it’s not lit up—not until he gets closer, and it starts giving a dull, slowly-pulsing orange glow. Just like the first pedestal in the shrine, this one has a rectangular indent, just the right shape for the slate. As soon as he closes the last two steps, the uncanny feminine voice from the shrine sounds.

“Place the Sheikah Slate into the pedestal.”

He examines it a moment—both the rectangular depression, and the little clamp that sticks out from the bottom of it. He tries to remember how the first pedestal had offered the slate to him. The eye had been facing towards him, and the handle up, he recalls, so he pulls the slate from his waist and fits it into the clasp the same way.

The clamp smoothly rotates the slate so that the screen is facing him and then lays it into the indent, before the whole thing glows brighter. A blue Sheikah eye lights up on the screen as he leans closer to watch, eyes wide in fascination, and then the inhuman voice chimes, “Sheikah Tower activated. Please watch for falling rocks.”

Just as he starts to wonder what any of that means, he hears an odd whooshing noise above his head, and suddenly—there’s an earth-shaking rumble below him, so intense he struggles to keep his feet under him. Struggles, right up until he doesn’t, because with one more immense shake he’s knocked to the ground hard enough to smack his head against the stone, and then there’s a swooping in his gut as he feels himself being lifted, and fast.

It’s fast enough to shatter all the stone that had formed around and leaned against this structure, sending it all flying as the whole thing jerks into the air, and Eijiro has his eyes squeezed shut through most of it, groaning from the bump that’s surely forming on the back of his head.

By the time he does open his eyes again, he’s shockingly out in the open, surrounded by bright blue sky on all sides, and the structure—oh, the tower, that’s what it had meant when it said Sheikah Tower activated—is still somehow rising. Its ascent has smoothened out and slowed somewhat, but the deceleration sends his stomach swooping in a different way, now. Not for the first time in this past hour, he finds himself thinking, What in the actual, ever-loving fuck is going on?

The tower settles at its full height, after a few moments, and some—he doesn’t even know, antennas?—lift themselves up at the top of the structure, before a line of blue light shoots up the center of the tower and mists off of it for a moment. Dazed and baffled, he slowly and admittedly ungracefully climbs his way to his feet, looking around him in—

Well, in awe.

That may have been crazy, and absurd, and absolutely unpredictable, but—the wind whips his hair around his face and the world opens up around him and if he felt like he could see most of Hyrule from the cliff outside the Shrine of Resurrection, it was nothing compared to this. And—his eyes widen in surprise, as he realizes that there are now more of those towers out there that he can see—that must have all pushed themselves up out of the earth with the one he stands on now.

“Distilling local information.”

Eijiro’s focus is pulled back towards the plinth where the Sheikah Slate still rests, and as he watches, an odd black stone that hangs suspended above it lights up blue with the Sheikah symbol and several lines of glowing Sheikah text slowly sliding down its surface, towards a curved point directly above his slate, where… it seems to turn into a gathering of blue liquid? Maybe the same stuff from the shrine?

The same musical, repeated beeping tone from when his slate ‘authenticated’ sounds, and as he watches, a large droplet forms slowly before it finally drips off, splattering onto the screen of his slate with a loud plink!

Most of it seems to somehow absorb into the smooth surface of the screen, but some mists off in odd, glowing blue tendrils that Eijiro flinches away from, half afraid they were about to splash into his eyes. The slate chimes and lights up blue for a moment, and as he leans closer again, the map appears—and fills in, all of a sudden! Where before there was a single dark, lined-in area with no features, now the center of the map is colored in shades of brown and blue, and he can make out trees and structures and lines of elevation and bodies of water.

It’s an actual map, now, one that makes sense to read and actually maps his surroundings—though he realizes all of the other outlined chunks of the map still remain dark. Still, it’s something, and he eyes it curiously.

“Regional map extracted,” the odd, high-pitched voice says, and then the center of the pedestal is familiarly rotating and lifting, and the Sheikah Slate is once again being lifted out of the depression it had rested in and presented to him. Still amazed, he plucks it out of its clasp and moves once again to hook it to his belt, before turning away.

He doesn’t get far—not even far enough to start wondering how in the hell he’s going to get down from here—when the faint, barely discernible tones of the voice are back, and this time the unknown man’s voice is accompanied by an odd, mystical humming in the distance.

Remember… the voice says, muffled, but this time when Eijiro whips his head around, towards the sound of the rumbling hum, he does see a sign of the voice—that same explosion of golden light from before. Only this time, it has a source: the room at the heart of the castle in the distance—of Hyrule Castle.

You have to try to remember.

As he stares, fully turning to face towards the source of the light and the voice, Eijiro’s enraptured and relieved, to finally know where it’s coming from; where he has to go to find him. He can’t help but run to the edge of the platform, though the distance it closes isn’t much.

You’ve been asleep, Eijiro. For—fuck, for a hundred years now.

He freezes in his tracks at that, bug-eyed and caught completely off-guard. He doesn’t even have time to process, before there’s another heavy rumbling at his feet, forcing him to scramble for solid footing as the earth shakes.

The monster, here— the voice presses on, not deterred by the trembling of the entire world around him, —when this shithead’s back at full strength, it’s going to destroy everything. Everything, Eijiro.

Eijiro watches in horror as, while the voice speaks, a sickly-looking black mist begins rising and swirling around Hyrule Castle. Though it’s obviously some kind of odd smoke, or gas, it just—just looks somehow oily and slimy. It’s disgusting to behold as some shape seems to form out of it—a horrifying murky face that trails more of the smoke behind itself as it begins to circle the castle. An enraged roar so loud it carries all the way across Hyrule Fields to where Eijiro stands emits from it, and the voice raises its volume in irritation to be heard over it.

So I’m waiting. You don’t have a lot of time to help me stop this. So—so hurry the fuck up.

Both the light and the grimy mist seem to flair and swell and then—Eijiro gasps, as all at once both seem to be swallowed up into the heart of the castle again. It… it looks like one smothered the other, but he can’t tell which. All he knows is he can’t leave the voice alone with—with whatever the hell that creature was. He can’t.

The voice didn’t—wouldn’t say as much earlier, but he needs Eijiro. And Eijiro’s not going to let him down.

The climb down from the tower is an ordeal.

It’s the first time he’s really, very certain that something is wrong. He remembers the short climb, only ten feet or so, to get out of the Shrine of Resurrection, and how it had left him a little winded. Somehow he knows that it should have been easier—that he’s able, or should be able, to climb heights more effortlessly.

He shouldn’t, at least, have to deal with his arms aching and shaking, fingers stiff and sore, before he’s even a quarter of the way down the tower. After that, he has to start alternating between trying to climb down the oddly-latticed bars of tan stone, and just letting go to drop down to the rest platforms littered every twenty or so feet down the sides. It’s an attempt to spare his knees from the impact and his muscles from the strain in equal measure, and it helps, somewhat.

The voice—he’d said Eijiro had slept for… for one hundred years. Had slept, for that long. Is that why he feels so weak?

He’s unsettled and unsteady in more ways than one by the time that his feet touch down on solid ground, and he startles slightly when he hears Inko’s voice calling for him. Sagging a little against the side of the tower, he blinks and looks up at her as she approaches. She’s moving faster than he would have expected, honestly.

“Well, now,” she says, once she’s close enough that her voice carries without shouting. “This is certainly something, isn’t it?” She cranes her head back with apparent awe, before once again looking to him shrewdly. “If you were up there, you must have seen that this wasn’t the only one of these odd towers to erupt. They’re just about everywhere you look, it seems. Like something very old deep below the earth has woken up...”

There’s wonder in her tone, and then her eyes flick down to the slate at his hip, then back towards the shrine he’d emerged from, before she asks, “Did you have something to do with this?”

“Um...” Gods, he hopes she doesn’t expect him to explain it, because he doesn’t understand any of what just happened. Certainly not enough to put it into words. At a loss, all he really manages in answer is a nod. She lets out a hum, thoughtful and considering.

“If you don’t mind me prying,” she starts, and Eijiro winces, unsure how to express any part at all of that process, or gods-forbid how it worked, but instead she asks, “Did anything strange happen while you were on top of the tower?”

Oh, boy. Where to begin. He pushes off from the tower, having caught his breath, and scratches self-consciously at the back of his head. How do you tell the sweet old lady, who invited you into her home for lunch, that you’re hearing things?

“Uh, I kinda… I heard a voice?”

Instead of looking at him dubiously, or like he was some kind of weirdo, her eyes light up in interest. “Is that so! A voice, hm… Did you recognize this voice?”

Eijiro falters again, at that. Does he recognize the voice? He doesn’t… sound familiar, or at least, Eijiro’s not sure if he sounds familiar, but… he trusts the voice completely, and finds himself calming whenever he hears him. He can even read the voice, all of the tics and underlying tones—would he be able to do that, if he doesn’t know the voice?

But as hard as he tries to place the voice in his memories, it all comes up as blank as most other things. He can’t remember.

“No, I, ah… I don’t think so?” he answers, wishing he could be sure of the response. He didn’t recognize the voice, but… should he have?

For a brief second he thinks he sees a flash of disappointment cross Inko’s face, but it’s gone so fast he’s not sure he didn’t make it up, replaced with a thoughtful look. “Hm, that’s too bad.”

Before he can form a response, she turns away, slightly, gazing off towards the direction of Hyrule Castle in the distance, and seemingly changing the subject. Though—admittedly, it is still pretty relevant, considering what the voice told him up there.

“If you were that high up,” she starts, nose just slightly crinkling in distaste as she regards the castle, “You must have noticed all that awful mess surrounding the castle. That, young man, is what we all know as the Calamity, All For One.”

He turns to look at her, before facing the castle, eyes wide. The name is familiar; there had been legends—a horrible entity that sought only complete control and destruction of Hyrule. It was only a legend, but… it was said that it was supposed to be coming back. He inhales sharply, realization overtaking him.

One hundred years, the voice had told him. During which, the Calamity had come back, it seemed.

“One hundred years ago, that horrible thing brought the entire kingdom of Hyrule to ruin,” she continues, oblivious to his own dawning horror and understanding. “It appeared right out of the blue, when no one could have expected, and it tore through everything in its way. Many… many, innocent lives were lost, back then. Too many.”

Her voice is soft, and impossibly sad. She doesn’t look quite close to a hundred, herself—not old enough to have lived through it, but she talks as though it were a personal ache. Sheikah could be old enough to have seen it, but she’d said she’d only spent time among the Sheikah, not that she was one.

He looks over to see tears pouring freely down her face, and oh, no—he’s always been an empathetic crier, and he feels his own eyes start stinging in response as he quickly pulls his gaze away to stare at the ruins of the castle again.

“Sorry, forgive me,” she mumbles as he sees her wipe at her eyes in his periphery, and he can only shake his head at the notion that she has anything to apologize for, before she presses on again, “For a century now, the heart of Hyrule itself, the castle, has somehow been able to contain that evil. But only barely. You can see it, how it festers in there, building up strength to break free and loose itself on the land once more. From the looks of it, that won’t be long at all.”

She sounds scared—terrified, at the prospect, and he doesn’t blame her one bit. It’s… what she’s describing, what the voice described, it can’t happen.

Sniffling, Inko wipes again at her eyes, before turning to him. She looks… so, so sad, but for him, somehow. “If you’ll forgive me prying again… be honest with me, Eijiro. You plan to go to the castle, don’t you?”

He blinks, surprised that she somehow read him. It’s that motherly thing she has going on, it has to be; moms know everything. He doesn’t get it. So he takes a shaky breath, eyes still watering profusely in response to hers, to steady himself for the obvious answer.

“I do.”

He has to. The voice is there. And someone—someone has to stop that monster, before it can cause any more catastrophes.

She huffs out a somber little laugh. “I knew that would be your answer.” She turns forward again, this time not looking to the castle, but to the edge of the plateau, where it drops off into an abrupt cliff. “I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, dear, but this plateau is very isolated. We’re surrounded on all sides by steep cliffs and drop-offs, and the walls that line the plateau are ancient and crumbling. They’d break apart beneath your feet if you tried to climb down them, and you’d tumble to certain death. The path to come in and out got caved in decades ago, and filled up with rainwater. I’m afraid there’s no safe way down from the plateau. There hasn’t been for a very long time.”

What? But—but—that can’t be true! The voice needs him, and she—she’d even seemed to accept that Eijiro was going. If there’s no way, then…

“So, we’ll just have to figure out a new way down, I suppose,” she continues, with a mournful-sounding sigh, and he looks back to her with desperate hope. “Which sounds like another matter to think on over lunch.”

It sounds definite, and he feels gratitude fill him as he grants her a watery smile. Boy, he’s had a full and emotionally taxing day, and he hasn’t even been awake for a full hour and a half. She reaches out to him then, to pat him reassuringly on the arm.

“In the meantime, though, there’s something I think I ought to show you. Come here.”

With that, she turns away, starting to walk up an incline to their left, to give them a better view in the direction she indicates. He follows curiously, and they both seem to take the time to compose themselves. When they do clear the top of it, she points with the hand that holds her walking stick off towards another structure—a bizarrely-shaped, large lump of a thing that’s clearly made from the same smooth, black and tan stones that make up the rest of Sheikah buildings. And most of it is glowing, orange.

“You see that funny structure there?” she asks, turning to make sure his gaze is focused in the right direction. “It wasn’t glowing before. It didn’t light up until the exact same moment you sent that tower shooting up into the sky. There’s an awful lot of those shrines around Hyrule, but none of them have glowed for as long as I lived—they’ve been dead as a doornail, and no one could get into them. Certainly not for lack of trying. I think whatever you did with that tower woke them up, and it might just be possible to get inside now.”

She turns to look at him, expression encouraging. “I was just thinking, if that voice you talked about spoke to you because you found that tower, maybe it would want you to enter these shrines, as well, since they seem to be connected.”

Eijiro almost jumps for joy—he’d been thinking exactly the same thing! Every time the voice spoke to him, it was either because he’d just used some Sheikah technology, or because he was telling Eijiro to use some Sheikah technology. Maybe—maybe whatever was in these shrines would help him figure out a way off of this plateau? Or at least give him more information on the shrine he’d come from.

“Inko, I think you’re right!” he gushes, excited, and he’s already taking his first, eager step in that direction. “He probably would, I have to—”

He’s stopped by a hand on his arm as she scolds him, tone amused, “Ah, ah, ah! You’re not charging off to that shrine right this second, young man. You’re starving, and I know you haven’t had anything but that baked apple and whatever you could find to snack on around here. You’ll go to that shrine later, after we’ve gotten a hot meal in your belly.”

“But...” It’s so close, and he’s so glad to have some real idea of a next step! But she tugs gently on his arm, pulling him in the direction of her home, and once again Eijiro finds himself cursed by the burden of being unable to say no to a kind old woman.

He’s all but vibrating with eagerness to get to that shrine, to figure out what’s inside, but… but it’s like she said. Later.

Besides… now that she’s mentioned it—(his stomach releases a roaringly loud grumble to assert its own take on the matter)—gods, he is starving.