#a little angsty tale on self denial

[sabotage-on-mercury]

The Fig (E, 5.6 k)

Chance brings Aziraphale and Crawly together on a journey to their new assignments after far too many years apart.

As the ship heads east, Aziraphale must navigate the troubled waters of his barely suppressed desire, his responsibility towards Heaven, and the question of how much he can really trust a demon.

11 BC, Levantine Sea "Eyes front, angel. You're missing the best view." Heat tinted Aziraphale's cheeks pink and he quickly darted his eyes away. The sun broke through the horizon, rendering the smooth sea beneath them into a carpet of gold and diamonds, for the ship to sail in idle heaving and lowering. The best view though, without a doubt, stood directly to his left. Amber glowing skin stretching across a scenery of sharp bones and soft hollows, eyes lined with coal were fixed on the distance, a smile tugging at the corners of red painted lips. Aziraphale weighed the fig in his hand, a finger caressing the smooth skin of the fruit carefully hidden beneath the long sleeves of his robe. He really shouldn't have kept it. 

Read more on ao3

[zarnzarn]

Stolitz fic rec!!

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I'm going to just drop my favorite stolitz fics here.

They run at night by @wearemisfortune

Blitzo is always moving because when his body stops, his mind races. This almost always leads to a terrible fucking idea.

Tonight is no different—but the result will be.

-lovely angst, lovely climax, and it captures Blitz's line of thinking in a serious tone but in a way still feels authentic to the character. And I'm ALWAYS a sucker for the sheer unconditional trust trope.

Junctures by @sluttycrimehat

To everything, there is a season.

-I still am in complete awe of how the author managed to fit so much in such little time. The bit at the end always fucking gets me, I love it so MUCH.

The last general by @curtailed

It's in a month after, with Stolas spent and lying on his side, that Blitzo finally musters up the courage to tell him.

-Hello??? BEAUTIFUL post-harvest moon fic, wonderful vibes, love how well they know each other in this one, the trust is amazing. Love it.

You got everything that I want by @bipridemoth

Stolas can’t recall a time where “love” wasn’t synonymous with “pain” for him.

With Blitzo, it’s not love. So, there’s no pain. Stolas doesn’t let there be pain, at least not emotionally, the physical pain is something he quite enjoys. When Blitzo leaves after their monthly night together, he doesn’t allow himself to feel pain, only anticipation of the next time. He likes that there’s always a next time, even though that’s because of his active incentive more than anything else. But that’s alright, he doesn’t want Blitzo to come see him without an incentive. He deserves favors in turn for what he’s giving Stolas.

-Stolas angst!!!! The angst really is delicious in this one, with just as nice of a happy ending. Blitz is confident about the relationship, which is Wonderful to read and the "I know where this is going" segment had me in TEARS.

Between fairy tales and realities by @coloringthegreyscale

Blitzo's a complicated imp and Striker and Stolas accept that. But what happens when the two worlds he's made for himself collide together for one night? Well...

-Okay, so yes, this is striker/blitz/stolas, but it's so good. All three of them have a lovely dynamic, managing to work out somehow, with powerful Stolas, wonderful Blitz and a HILARIOUS Striker. Go read the series, it's a lot of fun and has many cute interactions that made me smile.

The look by @seireileafy

Blitz has been noticing a change in Stolas.

-It's such a CUTE drabble, I adore when one person can tell the other is pining for them, and the LAST LINE FUCKING GETS ME EVERY TIME-

Instead I made my bed with apathy by @thebooklord15

Just like every night before this one, Blitzo glared at the form next to him, already lulled into the bliss of slumber. He had never meant for things to turn out this way-he’d gotten the grimoire already, he didn’t need this man and from the way Stolas treated him it was clear he did not need the imp either.

And yet.

-Jcjdkafj this one is so GOOD I love blitz being pissed off yet too deep in to stop, and like I've said for others already THAT LAST LINE, PLEASE-

Call and response by anon

It was a love story, maybe.

-short but deliciously angsty, with some beautiful imagery, really nice dialogue, and time-doesn't-exist-in-this-motel-room vibes. Love it.

Shovel proof by @kereea

Octavia tries to give Blitzo the shovel talk. He decides to help with that.

-FUCKING cute, love the Octavia/Blitz dynamic, and it has snappy fun dialogue!! Really sweet.

Reaching out, touching me, touching you by @allmightshipserasermic

Stolas hasn’t been able to preen sufficiently in quite awhile, since Stella refuses to do it for him anymore. Blitzo offers to help.

-PREENING FIC is there anything more I have to say?

The skin you could have by @coloringthegreyscale

Stolas catches Blitzo staring and it leads to some talk, some magic, and a little bit of fun.

-Again, BEAUTIFUL dynamic between the two, lots of angsty tenderness, and lovely body imagery.

Different shapes by @sirdust

“Before the exorcist, he taketh the image and shape of a man.”

Blitz catches a glimpse of Stolas’ human form.

-okay, practically a direct opposite of the previous fic, but SO GOOD, I can't describe it. Love the imagery and their comfortable relationship.

A helluva mess by @stratumgermanitivum

It’s not like Stolas isn’t a hot piece of ass, because he is.

And it’s not like Blitzo’s blind or anything, because he isn’t.

It’s just that there’s pleasure, and then there’s business, and never the twain shall meet. (Unless he finally gets Moxx on board with that threeway, in which case, Blitzo fully intends to christen every damn surface of the office except his precious Loony’s desk.)

-AMAZING, love the pining and denial on both sides it's so great especially since you can tell both sides know that they've messed up. Again, LAST LINE!!

Eat the whole cake (it's what you deserve) by @okoyik

"His Highness is on the phone for you, sir," Moxxie says.

Blitzo makes a face. "Who?"

"Stolas," Moxxie supplies, as if that's supposed to help Blitzo understand. His expression is surely one of complete confusion as he stares at the other imp.

"Who the fuck is Stolas?" Blitzo asks slowly, racking his brain for a face to put to the name.

-

Blitzo's memory starts to slip, and all he knows is he needs that owl that seems to haunt his nightmares to stay away.

-HELLO it's only on one out of four chapters for now but it's already SO GOOD I can't WAIT for the rest!!!

Stand tall, but your hands are shaking by @remymorton

It’s been a month since the Harvest Moon festival. Another full moon night arrived, and after that... Blitz ... He's not well.

-wordless cute comfort, truly very sweet, I love it.

Palaces and souvenirs by @cloudysonder

So Stolas is objectively. Objectively. Attractive. Kinda soft-looking, sometimes. Pretty. Whatever. Fuckin’ whatever. That’s always been a thing. Blitzo knew that, Stolas definitely knew that-- whatever.

"This is not," Blitzo thinks, sounding a little bit desperate even to himself, "some sort of revelation."

His flicks of the lighter get a little more unstable, a little more frustrated.

A clawed hand reaches over and takes hold of the lighter, lighting Blitzo’s cigarette with practiced ease, as if he’d done the same thing a thousand times before (He has, Blitzo realizes).

“Silly Blitzy,” he giggles quietly, giving Blitzo a soft pat on the head before curling up beside him, stretching one last time before closing his eyes to sleep.

Blitzo feels warm.

"This," Blitzo tells himself, and it sounds like a command, "will not be a problem."

-I saw the start of this fic on Twitter and have been following it religiously ever since. It's really a gorgeous fic, three chapters up, with the promise of a Great slow burn, fun dialogue and Octavia & Blitz bonding. The level of denial Blitz is in even as he moves comfortably around every aspect of Stolas' life cracks me tf up.

Can't by @hazbincalifornia

Blitzo realizes he feels something something that he doesn't want to feel. This was supposed to be simple.

-feelings realization fic, wonderful, amazing, lovely, also the exact same way I realized I was gay, funnily enough (girl fell asleep in my lap and I was like oh. Oh fuck.)

Too late to stop by @malkaviancake

Stolas spends some time with his thoughts, realizing that his feelings for Blitzo aren't as one sided as he presumed.

-GORGEOUS vocab, I'm truly very obsessed with it. Like most of these stories, LAST LINE!!!!

Itchy with want, thin on sleep by me

It happens in parts- both falling in love and having his eyes opened.

-I will,, finish this one day, but for now here's a few in between moments before they have The Conversation.

Heaven in hiding by me

Their nights together are good, they always are, both of their tastes lining up to be shockingly compatible, but on the days where they end early and they get to spend some extra time cleaning up in comfortable silence or playful banter- and Blitz would rather take a bullet than admit this out loud- but those nights are pretty great too.

-AFTERCARE FIC, I had to write an aftercare fic ft. Good dom Blitz, Stolas taking care of him in return and a comfortable relationship that they both know is going to cause Problems in the future :)

Love in the bones and sinews of this curse by me

Five times Stolas and Blitz needed the grimoire to break a curse + one time they didn't.

-self explanatory. I tried to make it as funny as possible, everyone bickers a lot and Blitz brings Stolas flowers and gifts, what more could you need?

Life is a curse (love makes it worse) by me

"Alright!" Blitz says, clapping his hands together, "Weapons out, and-"

Half pull out some gun or the other, but half just look at him blankly. Blitz wishes for death.

"Save me from this family," He mutters under his breath, "Okay. Take these then." He passes out the few weapons he'd brought along with him and doesn't ask if they know how to use them because if he hears a no, he's giving up and going back home. "Stick close and talk loudly so the others can hear us. Let's go."

They move out, Blitz taking the lead and the rest forming a circle close behind him, starting up a loud conversation about the neighbour's garden. It gives him enough time to wonder exactly what the fuck he's doing here, in a nightmare world with a bunch of pretentious snobs, searching for his stupid Ars Goetia boyfriend, instead of sleeping in his nice lumpy bed back at home.

-a sequel to the previous fic!!! I had to write some Octavia and Blitz bonding, and accidentally added in a bunch of teenage imps who work for Stolas who imprint on Blitz immediately. And there's Eldritch Stolas, protective boyfriends and found family!!! The whole shebang!!!

This ended up being Much longer than I'd expected, but genuinely every fic up there is really good, go check em out!!!!

[twst-drabbles]

This is kinda an angsty ask/thing I thought of

But for the pet au what if yuu crocheted? Now that it self isn't too sad, but what if yuu made things for the pets? Again not too sad. But if the pets/mytical creatures passed away yuu would make life size versions of them, and would go about their day acting as if they were still there even if they weren't. Yuu would feed the leech twins and Azul as if they were in their tank, or look for riddle and Co. Or even set out for Leona or Vil and go where epel used to be planted. Everyone else knows that yuu is know unstable because they don't believe it whenever someone says that they all passed.

Hmm I would imagine that would make sense for your version of the Caretaker but the way I wrote my Caretaker, their response to these kinds of events wouldn’t be straight up denial, but social isolation, neglect and distractions. Besides, this isn’t actually the first time the Caretaker has dealt with death before. Here’s how I would go about it.

Tiny little outfits are made for the pets, small shirts, leg warmers, hats and all sorts of things. You had just finished finally manipulating the last thread into place, little life sized dolls of the pets lay before you, dressed up in little outfits that the would never get to wear. It’s been a while since you’ve reclaimed this hobby of yours. You’re kind of rusty but it’s better than simply sitting here doing nothing.

You don’t want to go outside, you don’t want to go into different rooms, you don’t want to look at the roof tiles or even the very fence itself. You don’t want to look at the dust gathering there, nor the moss climbing over the glass of the aquarium, or the dead flowers and rotting tree on your land. You don’t to touch any of it, you don’t want to look at any of it. You want to stay away from everything and anything.

Sitting here, crocheting all sorts of little things is better than being in your room, it keeps you from wandering around, from letting your mind linger on too many things for too long.

You’re back to when you found this house empty of anything. This is why you didn’t want to have pets in the first place. It’s easier to just be alone than watch the passage of time take everything away from you. At least time can’t take away these little dolls.

However, this AU isn’t meant to be a tale of tragedy, it’s meant to be a rather cute tale of coping from mental healthy issues, so by the time these pets do pass away from old age, the Caretaker would be in a better mental head space to not go back to square one. That, and while maybe too subtle, it’s implied that the Caretaker has taken care of other pets previously, hence why everyone is flourishing so well in this house. An interesting scenario to explore indeed, Anon, but ultimately, it wouldn’t make sense for this version of the Caretaker.

In the case of your scenario, however, you should fully expect Crowley to basically move into your house, trying to gently coax you out of this denial and if the answer to that is to react violently, mind you, Dire Crowley is not known for being delicate. He too is very driven by his emotions, and in his frustrations, he would give up trying to gently coax you into a more stable mental health state and would essentially rip the illusion away. He would take away the aquarium that you kept filling with food that has long started to rot, he would fill up the pond that has become nothing more than a noxious bog, take away the plants and flowers that have started to eat up the walls of your home, take down the termite infested tree, and clean out the attic.

Was this right? Was this taken too far? And can you forgive him for this? Well, that’s up to you. Whatever your answer is, Crowley will listen, as he always has.

[the-marron]

BokuAka fic recs part 1

Dear @mistermrbee I’ve been waiting, this is my moment in the sun I proudly present a short list of fics that will make you love BokuAka even more:

Canonverse:

arrogant boy, love yourself so no one has to by earlygrey_ milktea

Bokuto Koutarou, contrary to popular belief, is the family disappointment.

One of my favs, Bokuto’s POV, angsty but worth it

Broken China by Looali

Akaashi Keiji owns a very special set of mugs. To the common eye, they would just be a normal set, practical and decorated with a cute owl design. Something he uses for his tea during morning practice and lunch, kept carefully wrapped up in kitchen roll until he needs it. For Fukurodani boys Volleyball team however, Akaashi Keiji’s mugs were life savers.

Adorable, truly adorable

Again and Again and Again by zinniapetals

"Step up your game Bokuto, use the L-word."

"Lesbian?"

"The other L-word."

"Lesbians?"

Bokuto has a really hard time conveying his feeling for Akaashi. Kuroo suffers

99 Days of Dating Bokuto Koutarou by carxies

Akaashi has never even considered being in relationship. His life is school, volleyball and extra practices late in the afternoon. When he gives it a second thought, Bokuto plays a role in all of these things.

Pining, denial and pining again. 10/10 would recommend

A Logical Chain of Illogical Events by mismatched_ideas

It was only logical that Akaashi wasn’t a starter his first year of high school. He didn’t expect to be. He was just happy to have been accepted to a school that was not only a volleyball powerhouse but also an academic one. He played in a handful of practice matches near the end of the year and during the Tokyo finals at the end of the year, he’d been the backup setter, which was impressive given his age.

But there wasn’t a single thing that was more surprising than the attention he received from a certain second year.

A very nice and convincing backstory for our favourite owls.

The Chocolatier's Widsom by Scrbhneoir for darumarina

Akaashi could just do it now, not a thought for the others around him. Everyone was already heading for the showers now anyway, he could probably keep Bokuto an extra minute to do the confession and get it over with - “Boys shouldn’t give other boys chocolates on Valentine’s.”

- Akaashi lowered the chocolate back into the bag.

Obligatory Valentine’s Day fic, very well-written.

Year-Round Love by masi

In his first year of university, Bokuto realizes that he really adores Akaashi.

Future fic where Bokuto finally gets it

third wheel by arsenicjay

"So you and Bokuto, huh?"

Akaashi's attention snaps back to Kuroo and he gives the other boy a blank stare. "What about us?"

Or, Kuroo figures out that Bokuto is interested in Akaashi long before Bokuto does himself and being the kind friend that he is, tries to help them along.

This one is simply great and I think I’ve read it like 10 times. Kuroo here wins everything.

stating the obvious by ThinkingCAPSLOCK

There's a lot of things Bokuto isn't sure about now that he's in university. His program, his new team, his future. There's only one thing he's absolutely sure of. He is not dating Akaashi Keiji. Not even a little bit.

Sure, Bokuto, sure.

AUs:

keep making trouble (til you find what you love) by Heronfem

Appearances aren't always what they seem.

In which Bokuto is the family disappointment and does his best despite his struggles, Akaashi has an enormous crush and wants to help, and they fall end over end in love surrounded by a shower of owl and vulture feathers.

Wingfic, really lovely, though a bit sad.With a happy ending, though!

That Baby Does Not Belong to You (But It Could) by multifascinate (talkativelock)

“You named the baby?”

Bokuto pouts again. “No, he came with this.”

Keiji takes the note Bokuto offers him. It’s written in an unfamiliar slanting script on a slightly crumpled piece of paper with a safety pin through it that Keiji assumes was used to afix it to the outside of the baby's blanket.

“My name is Hinata Shouyou,” he reads, “I am not lost, just looking for someone to be my parents. Please treat me kindly.”

In which Bokuto has an early midlife crisis because of a baby and Keiji has both a headache and a crush.

Adorable kidfic. They are all so precious here.

cat and kid by norio

Kenma doesn't mind if Akaashi talks on his phone. After all, owning a cat like Bokuto-san must cause Akaashi a lot of difficulty.

Kenma and Akaashi work together and Kenma observes Akaashi’s phone conversations. Hilarious

Star Catcher by yozra

Keiji is a catcher of wishing stars, and one day a very strange one lands straight into his arms.

Lovely, fairy-tale like story, a bit like The Little Prince in my opinion. 

The Siren and The Blacksmith by theauthorish

There was a man walking along the shore, just then. Even from afar, Keiji could see the tired slump to his body and the weary heaviness of his steps.

Keiji opened his mouth and began to sing.

Siren!Au written like a fairytale of old, it’s great and romantic and I couldn’t stop reading.

Heaven's a Heartbreak Away by The_Marron 

It was Kuroo’s fault. It was nothing new in Bokuto’s life, really, because most of the stupid, life-threatening and awesome things that happened to him were in some degree Kuroo’s fault, but still, this was definitely Kuroo’s fault.

Or, Bokuto gets roped into a dancing show and does not fall for his partner. He does fall for somebody else, though.

- shameless self-promo, you can ignore it, but I couldn’t resist.

This are good beginner thinks, in my opinion. If you are interested in angst, dark themes and very strange aus, do let me know, I will prepare a second list :) Glad yo welcome you in the fandom and let me know if you liked the fics!

[the-voltage-diaries]

Pulcherrima Rosa Me - Taki Kozaki

‘Pulcherrima rosa me’: Latin for ‘My beautiful rose’.

Disclaimer: Office AU, Hanahaki AU. Now, since it’s Hanahaki, of course it will be angsty. So, time to fasten those seat belts and sit tight.

Word Count: 2225

Author’s note: My first open-ended fic, lmao. Originally was supposed to have smut, but things changed here and there, so you see.

P.S.: Special thanks to @akaiiro-yume​​​ for being my proofreader and amazing fangirl buddy

14 years.

That’s how long they had known each other.

To be precise, that’s the number of years they had been the closest of friends.

Never more, never less. 

Just two individuals who over time had, step by step, closed in on the gap separating them, narrowing it so much that barely any space remained. They became so used to being around each other that the thought of sharing the tales of their daily life, no matter how embarrassing, bitching and moaning about work and clients, laughing together without bothering to care about how weird they looked seemed like the definition of normal. But that’s the thing ; no matter how closely their paths collided, an invisible line always kept their journeys divided. Most people called that line “friendship”. Taki and (Y/N) had never been anything more than friends.

They never knew how to be anything BUT friends.

So then why was she the only person on Taki’s mind while his eyes shut to bear the pain of throwing up while he hunched over the sink, coughing up a handful of what looked redder than blood, albeit was anything but?

“I want this done by the morning,” Taki told the finance head, handing him the proposal for the project they were planning to bid for. “And when I say morning, I mean I’d like to see it on my table by the time I walk in. Is that alright?”

“Yes, sir,” the man responded, picking up the papers and giving him a quick bow before making his way out, muttering a quiet ‘good night,’ to which the CEO gave him a nod of his own.

Taki then turned in his chair and peeked through the thick glass wall of his cabin in search of his secretary. Once his eyes landed on the familiar raven up-do, his lips, though very quietly and only for a moment, lined up in a hint of a small smile.

There she sat on her table, her eyes focused on her laptop screen while her fingers typed away at the keyboard, not noticing the gaze a pair of dark brown eyes fixated on her.

Instead of calling her immediately to discuss the day’s schedule with her, Taki took a moment to admire the woman who had been at his side for the last two years, professionally speaking. For, beyond the walls of the office, he had known her for more than half of his life.

His eyes made their way across her form; slowly drinking in the way she every so often took a moment to stretch her back, roll her shoulders and her neck before getting back to the task at hand, how one of her delicate fingers came up to push a strand of hair behind the perfect curve of her ear, how she bit her lip in concentration every time she worked against time. God, was she beautifu-

The clang of a pen rolling across the table and falling to the floor startled him back to reality, and he shook his head, rolling his eyes at his carelessness before bending down to pick up the pen.

“(Y/N)!” He called, turning back to his laptop and opening up his schedule. He heard the familiar click-clack of her heels and soon enough, the door opened with a low creak. Taki didn’t even need to look up from the screen to know she was here. “Do we have anything else on the agenda for the day?”

“Yes, actually.”

‘We do?’ Taki thought to himself, his eyes giving his schedule a once-over. He didn’t see anything else on it that needed to be done today, so what was (Y/N) talking abo-

“You have a meeting with the board at 9 AM, then a site visit scheduled at 10 AM, a business call with the head of the Ichinomiya Group at 12 PM regarding the construction of their new hotel in Auckland, another site visit for at a different location at 1 PM, and th-”

“Wait a second, why don’t I see all of this anywhere on my schedule?”

“Because you’re viewing the schedule for 3rd November.”

“Yes, and as far as I remember, today IS 3rd November.”

“No, sir,” (Y/N) said, and it was then that Taki looked up to see the smirk on her face, “I’m pretty sure it’s the 4th today.”

He took a quick glance at his watch and saw that the smaller of the two hands had passed the 12 o’ clock mark, and it was, in fact, 12:30 AM. Which meant that it was, in fact, 4th November.

It also meant that they had worked beyond the designated office hours for the fourth straight day in a row.

“I’m sorry for making you work over time again,” Taki muttered, pursing his lips.

“Nah, that’s okay,” (Y/N) shrugged, sending him a playful wink, “Apart from that cute little pout, you’re paying me for it. Rather handsomely, too, so I’m chill.”

“Firstly, I’m NOT pouting,” Taki muttered, rolling his eyes when he heard his secretary whisper the word ‘denial’, “And secondly, Ms. (L/N), is that how you’ll be talking to your boss now?” He smirked. He would be straight up lying if he said he didn’t enjoy this amused change in the atmosphere. In fact, he welcomed it after the long day he’d had.

“Mr. Boss,” she immediately responded, stretching out the word ‘boss’, to which Taki couldn’t help but scoff, “The office hours are over. I’m under no obligation to kiss your ass anymore.”

And oh, he tried.

He tried so hard to stop that laugh from escaping when (Y/N) made a kissy face at him, but alas, he lost and let it erupt with a low rumble from deep within his chest when she lifted two tiny finger hearts to go along with the flying kisses.

And you know what they say, laughter is contagious. Soon enough, (Y/N) too joined Taki in his wonderland of chuckles, and it wasn’t long before they both laughed so much that their stomachs hurt because each time they’d try to stop, all it’d take is one glance at each other’s faces to lose their shit again.

“Pfft,” (Y/N) scoffed, trying to come down from the rush of euphoria she’d just had, “You should be thanking your lucky stars for having the privilege to get as fun a secretary as me. You have NO idea how lucky you are, I tell you.”

‘I agree,’ Taki thought as he took a moment to calm down, letting a rush of air fill his lungs as he took a deep breath in. He relaxed into his chair and glanced back at the magnificent woman standing before him, truly thankful to have her close by. But as soon as he adoringly grabbed on to the memory of the laugh they’d just shared, another sensation latched on to him, stopping him from thinking any deeper by dragging his attention to the ache building up deep within his chest.

Taki paused, shifting uncomfortably at the unfamiliar sensation. All remnants of humor left him at the way something seemingly gripped at the base of his lungs, squeezing hard. He felt like he couldn’t breathe for a moment, and his discomfort only grew with each passing second as a painful cough arose in his throat, blocking off any passage for air.

“Argh,” he groaned, his fingers pressing at the space between his collarbones, trying to massage the area into creating some sort of a path through the dark fog building up in his throat, so unforgiving that he almost saw black for a moment.

“Taki?” (Y/N) called his name, all her remaining laughter immediately dying down the moment her gaze washed over him. “A-are you okay?”

And just like that, as quickly had the discomfort come, it died down. 

It vanished into a thin breeze, leaving Taki gasping for some much needed mouthfuls of air.

“Y-yeah,” Taki responded, still in a daze. He had no idea what just happened, and it seemed so surreal that he almost brushed it off as a hallucination, but the concern in (Y/N)’s eyes told him whatever transpired wasn’t just a figment of his imagination. He took a moment to compose himself, before following up with a much more self-assured “Yes, I’m fine.”

“You don’t look fine.”

“But I feel fine.”

“... Are you sure?”

“Absolutely.”

“Are you like, sure sure?”

“No, actually.” He looked up at her, an amused grin floating on his face. “I’m not sure sure that I’m fine.”

“See? I KNEW you weren’t okay. Should I call for a doc-”

“You’ve got it all wrong,” he interrupted, stopping her halfway on her mini-panic spree, “I’m sure-sure sure I’m fine.”

“… You’re a jerk, you know that?” (Y/N) huffed, sending a scowl in Taki’s direction. “One of these days I’m gonna stab you with- with…” her eyes quickly scanned the room, looking for an appropriate object to finish her statement with while Taki tried to control his smirk from spreading any wider, “… with a sticky note.”

“A what?”

… well, it was too late to go back on words. So, grumbling under her breath, (Y/N) repeated, “With a… sticky note.”

“Pfft.”

“Mr. Kozaki.” (Y/N) narrowed her eyes at the man, giving him her least scary glare, “did you just ‘pfft’ me?”

“Yes,” he replied confidently, placing his forearms on the table top, “Yes I did.”

“Watch your back. I really will throw the sticky note at this rate.” (Y/N) turned around, her fingers grasping the doorknob, “… and soon.”

Taki watched her step out of his cabin, an amused twinkle in her eye. “Gee, I’m so scared,” he muttered, mostly to himself, before shaking his head at their childishness and turning back to the work at hand.

But even as his eyes swam across the screen, processing the words and formulating appropriate responses, the back of his mind couldn’t let go of the strange inquisitiveness that poked at it, seeking answers to just one question.

What was that fleeting, deadly little coughing fit all about?

He got so focused on his work that he didn’t notice the diligent finance head step into his cabin again only 30 minutes later, quietly keeping the finished proposal on the glass table before walking out just as quietly, so as not to disturb his concentration. He didn’t notice the same guy stopping by (Y/N)’s table, offering her a steaming mug of coffee and giving her the gentlest of smiles while offering to help if needed. He didn’t notice any of it until he heard the pleasant sound of her laugh, passing through the gaps in the glass walls before bouncing off of them on the inside, creating the most melodious of echos.

His eyes left the screen for a quick second to focus on the scene outside, and what he saw made a strange anxiety rise up within him like tiniest of dew vaporizing and stretching its fingers to reaching out to the sky - slowly rising up from the depths of his stomach, travelling up to his chest and finally solidifying just beneath his lips.

Right in front of him stood (Y/N), her fingers clutching an arm that didn’t belong to Taki, her lips turning up into the brightest of curves, shining so bright one would almost go blind, as she laughed along with the damned finance head about something or the other.

And that’s when Taki felt like the (Y/N) who had been standing just within an arm’s reach this whole time was about to slip away from his very fingers, and the feeling that he wouldn’t be able to do anything to stop it pricked at him, rendering him in a state of confused speechlessness.

‘Wait. Shouldn’t I feel happy for her, considering she’s finally seeing a guy?’ he thought, taking a deep breath. ‘Yeah. It’s a good thing. But then… what is this insecurity I’m feeling right now?’

The answer to that question seemed only a heartbeat away, and the moment he reached out to grasp it, his body jerked backwards, falling onto his chair while his breathing quickened. The somewhat familiar feeling of his throat being clawed at came back to him - much stronger this time. It all happened quick; his brow furrowed into a deeper crease as moisture pricked at the back of his eyes, his world going back for a moment. Taki’s mouth leaped to suck in a croaked breath - which sounded more like a painful gasp at this point - while his fingers gripped at the collar of his shirt, looking for any way to free him of the sudden pain growling in his chest. He felt a powerful cough coming, preceded by short, painful ones.

“Ah,” he let out a breathy moan, the tears finally making their way to the front of his eyes, followed by a few more. With him standing on the thin line separating sanity from delirium, his body lurched forward, finally finding solace in the way his throat forced out tiny balls of red while the moisture building behind his eyelids finally broke apart to slide down his cheek in one, straight line. The second his gullet felt free again, his body shook with need as he gulped in mouthfuls of air.

Once the dark haze clouding his mind finally started to part, he turned his eyes to look at the red chunk his trachea had shoved out. His eyes widened when his fingertips came in contact with the soft, silky skin of the petals - redder than the darkest of rubies.

The petals of the one flower which finally made him piece together his feelings for the woman standing beyond the see-through walls of his cabin.

… Remember how he wanted to know what his coughing fit was all about?

A rose.

Well… guess it’s about time he found out.

[thezodiaczone]

Libra Compatibility

LIBRA + ARIES (MARCH 21 - APRIL 19) ♥♥♥♥ You're opposite signs who can match up well, but you sometimes baffle one another, too. Aries rules the self and Libra rules relationships. Libra is a lover; Aries is a fighter. Your polar extremes can be a great complement if you borrow what the other does best. Rash, temperamental Aries could stand to give others the benefit of the doubt, to look before leaping—something the wise Judge does well. Languid, overly accommodating Libra can learn to speak up, say no, and take action instead of pondering the possible consequences for a year. Although your differences can be irritating, they also make you a well-rounded couple if you play them right. When Aries needs to rant, patient Libra offers uninterrupted listening, capped with sage, sensible feedback. In return, Aries helps Libra overcome a mortal fear of conflict, teaching this sign how to stand up for his rights. As parents, or even business partners, you play the good cop/bad cop routine like seasoned pros. Just be willing to adjust your internal thermostats as needed. Hotheaded Aries will need to dial down the anger, lest all that concentrated emotion throw Libra's scales off balance. Erudite Libra will need to descend from that lofty, cultured perch and take a bold risk. (No, Aries does NOT consider ten years a reasonable time to wait for an engagement ring—and never will.) Compromise is essential for you to find a rhythm.

LIBRA + TAURUS (APRIL 20 - MAY 20) Your signs are both ruled by Venus, but your disparate elements prevent this from being an ideal match. Taurus is a fixed Earth sign who builds his castle by the sweat of his brow, then lords over its inhabitants. Libra is cardinal Air, a Queen bee who buzzes around, ruling the hive without doing the drone-work. You both want to be in charge, but your clashing leadership styles create a patchwork parliament that can't agree on anything. Taurus is planted on terra firma, and Libra lives in the clouds. Of course, if the Bull is content to be the provider while Libra dresses up and plays charming host, then this can work. You're certainly an attractive pair of aesthetes, and you share high-end tastes in fashion, décor, food and all the Venusian pleasures. Shameless snobbery is a shared affliction, but neither of you cares to be cured. You love to talk about art, literature, politics, everything under the sun—though Taurus may find Libra's values superficial, and moderate Libra will take offense to the Bull's heavy handed opinions. At least your sexual attraction is strong, and that will take you far enough. However, conflict-avoiding Libra will need to build up some backbone to avoid being steamrolled by dominating Taurus. The Bull will need to turn down the volume, and Libra must get better at addressing issues head on, rather than letting them fester.

LIBRA + GEMINI (MAY 21 - JUNE 20) ♥♥♥♥ You're compatible Air signs with silver tongues and gilded wings, a magical match indeed. Libra is a pretty pixie and Gemini is an impish sprite. Your meeting rouses the fairies and gnomes, stirring up mischief in your midst. You love to mingle and schmooze, and you'll chatter like two little tree monkeys, gabbing a mile a minute. But will the breathless excitement last? Getting past the superficial romance stage is the challenge. You're both so indecisive that nailing down a commitment is like catching moonbeams in a jar. That said, the illusionary quality of your relationship is a magic you both enjoy. It's when life becomes too real that you vanish in a pinch of enchanted dust. To make this last, you'll need to dip your toes into the murky morass of intimacy, then learn to swim. Money can become an issue between you, particularly the way you spend it. Gemini is ruled by intellectual Mercury, and would rather invest in college degrees, a film collection, enriching travel. Libra is governed by beauty and pleasure-loving Venus, and splashes out on art, couture, custom suits, spas. You'll need separate wings for Gemini's books and Libra's handbag or shoe collection. You have different approaches to romance, too. Libra loves a lengthy courtship with all the trimmings, but Gemini bristles at picking up too many tabs, especially with Libra's extravagant taste. You'll probably need to keep separate accounts to avoid meddling in each other's purchase habits. Cut up the credit cards, too—many happy relationships can be destroyed by debt. Don't let that happen to you.

LIBRA + CANCER (JUNE 21 - JULY 22) You're a sweet, romantic couple, but not always a perfect match. On the upside, Cancer is ruled by the caring Moon and Libra by romantic Venus, casting a tender glow on this love affair. With your flair for color, style and objets d'art, you could open an interior design business (your home may in fact resemble an Architectural Digest spread). Now, the challenge: Cancer is a deeply emotional Water sign whose moods fluctuate like the tides. Libra is a social Air sign who prefers to happy-dance through the daisies. Between the Crab's fatalism and Libra's denial, nobody has a strong grip on reality. Better keep a few grounded Earth sign friends on speed dial when you lose perspective. Failing that, you'll need to adapt to each other's opposing natures. Like a stone skipping across the water's surface, Libra averts the plunging depths of Cancer's inconsolable undertows and cloying neediness. Yet, avoidance is futile, since it only upsets the Crab to be ignored. Libra should learn that a hug, flowers and an apology (however undeserved) pave the quickest path to peace. Not that Libra doesn't have his own powerful undercurrent: when those scales tips out of balance, he can escalate a minor breakdown into a Code Orange catastrophe. Admit it: you're both big babies at times. For long-term success, find activities you both enjoy: travel, language classes, dancing, dinner parties. You're gracious hosts and culturally literate people with lots to talk about. Get out and savor life together.

LIBRA + LEO (JULY 23 - AUGUST 22) ♥♥♥♥ You're a pretty pair, attracted to the other's good looks and charm. The courtship phase has all your favorite trimmings: massive bouquets delivered to your office, iPod mixes of your favorite angsty love songs, sonnets inspired by your affection. Leo and Libra are two of the zodiac's most romantic signs, and you love everything to be pleasant and harmonious on the surface. The challenge comes when it's time to get real. Rather than show your unpleasant humanity, you coat issues in saccharine, avoiding touchy topics to keep the happy vibes flowing. However, the artificial sweetness soon leaves a bitter aftertaste, especially for Leo. The Lion is a Fire sign, with a much more passionate disposition than cooler Air-sign Libra. Leo is pushy, Libra procrastinates, and you can get caught in a dance of anger as a result. When truly upset, the Lion roars. Libra can bellow right back, but he's more likely to withhold attention, the thing that Leo most craves. Leo's demands for affection, praise and validation can drain Libra after a while. Dramatic highs and lows tip Libra's scales off balance, inciting a passive-aggressive backlash. It starts with locked doors and escalates into Internet porn or even affairs if Leo doesn't get the hint. You may be better off as friends if you can't get beyond this impasse.

LIBRA + VIRGO (AUGUST 23 - SEPTEMBER 22) You're next-door-neighbor signs who can learn a thing or two from each other. Virgo is a cautious Earth sign who plans for the worst and prays for the best. Air-sign Libra not only expects the best, he demands it—and thus, he usually gets it. In stressful times, Libra's charm and balanced perspective is a breath of fresh air for anxious Virgo. The Virgin is ruled by mentally-stimulating Mercury, and his mind goes a mile a minute. Libra's ruler is Venus, the goddess of beauty, love and pleasure. Like a gentle lullaby, Libra smoothes the rough spots, helping Virgo relax and trust that everything will be okay. While this may be an illusion, it still has a hypnotic effect on Virgo. Socially, you mix well. You both enjoy arts and culture, and you'll never be at a loss for date ideas: museum openings, concerts, readings. You're also a fastidious pair—you'll have the cleanest house on the block if it's up to Virgo, and the most tastefully decorated home if Libra has a say. The one dynamic to beware: Virgo is the zodiac's helper and Libra is its pampered diva. This can easily turn into a master-and-servant scenario, with Libra feigning helplessness and Virgo scrambling to save him. Like Persephone eating the pomegranate seeds that doomed her to Hades, Virgo must be careful not to swallow Libra's intoxicating tales and sob stories.

LIBRA + LIBRA (SEPTEMBER 23 - OCTOBER 22) This perfectly pleasant combination works best when one Libra is at least ten years older than the other, like Librans Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas. That way, it's clear how to divide up the roles. One of you has to be the primary decision-maker, after all—no easy feat with two sets of vacillating Scales. Heck, you lapse into analysis-paralysis when the grocery checker asks, "Paper or plastic?" Because of this, it can take time for your signs to gel—that is, if the connection doesn't taper off before the first date. (Hint: waiting three days to ask each other out is acceptable. Three years? A little long.) Procrastination can be your downfall, as can terminal politesse. At all costs, you should have separate vanities and dressing rooms, as you both like to primp and preen. Zeta-Jones herself once declared individual bathrooms the secret to a successful marriage. Well, for two Libras, non-adjoining sinks and mirrors might just make it into your wedding vows. Once you do come together as a couple, your loyalty to one another is fierce. You make a cunning tag team who should go into sales together. One lash-batting Libra oozes charm, wrapping your prey around a manicured finger; the other swoops in like a hawk for the kill. Later, you'll divvy the spoils into equal portions and celebrate in lavish, Bonnie and Clyde style.

LIBRA + SCORPIO (OCTOBER 23 - NOVEMBER 21) Libra is light and Scorpio rules darkness, but your searing sexual chemistry blazes through borders. As a couple, you're quick to bed and slow to wed. In many ways, the long prenuptial pas de deux is a mutual choice. Romantic Libra loves an extended courtship—long dinners, vacations and lavish gifts. Shrewd, suspicious Scorpio will subject Libra to a battery of character tests, gauging whether Libra can be trusted. Libra is an incurable dilettante whose surface skimming can feel lightweight beside Scorpio's obsessive, detail-focused nature. Because your temperaments are so different, your initial phase can be fraught with misunderstandings. Libra is an outgoing butterfly and an unrepentant flirt, provoking Scorpio's jealousy at every turn. Possessive Scorpio prefers passionate bedside confidentials to paparazzi and parties, but Libra quickly feels smothered without a social scene. To say you'll need compromise is an understatement. Combine your strengths, though, and you can also make a powerful society couple—with Scorpio dominating the world from behind the scenes, and Libra presiding as its lovely, doe-eyed diplomat.

LIBRA + SAGITTARIUS (NOVEMBER 22 - DECEMBER 21) You're fast friends who make each other laugh, sharing a sharp, sarcastic wit. People watching is your favorite pastime, and you can amuse each other with clever observations all day. Romantic Libra brings poetry and flowers to Sag's gritty, profanity-strewn world, and active Sagittarius gets Libra's nose out of the rosebush. Still, your different paces could cause friction. Languid Libra likes to take everything slow, weighing and measuring possibilities on those iconic Scales before acting. Naturally, this frustrates impetuous Sag's text-message attention span. The Archer prefers to leap before looking, relying on luck and goodwill to save the day. Such gambling and lack of security throws Libra's delicate constitution into a tizzy. Sagittarius finds Libra's champagne tastes too snobbish and materialistic—why pay over $20 for anything you can get at a thrift shop or make yourself? Sagittarius' half-baked ideas and churlish outbursts rain public embarrassment on Libra's carefully cultivated rep. When Libra plays damsel or dude in distress, independent Sag flees instead of saving the day. So why stay together? At the end of the day, your friendship remains solid. There's no conflict you can't talk through after a time-out. Although you may drift in and out of platonic feelings, you genuinely care for each other—and that speaks volumes.

LIBRA + CAPRICORN (DECEMBER 22 - JANUARY 19) Capricorn is the provider sign, forever seeking a mate in need of financial backing. Libra is a vain dilettante who's happy to play muse to an Earthy benefactor. You have your oft-irreconcilable differences, yet you stay together all the same. In many ways, you have what the other needs. Libra is a master of social graces with a billion air-kissed "friends." Capricorn can be an antisocial grumble-puss who cleaves to childhood cronies and family. Libra spends on impulsive pleasures; Capricorn plans for tomorrow. Battles can be brutal. You're both convinced of your natural superiority; your haughty contretemps and ego showdowns merit a Bravo series. Of course, antisocial Capricorn would never allow cameras into the estate, while Libra would whip together a stylist, understudy and five-star craft services. Therein lies the difference: your values. Not an easy hurdle to scale, even for a determined Goat or a patient Judge. A successful relationship will require much compromise. The fawning affection romantic Libra craves will be in short order. Capricorn shows love through acts of service and loyalty, not pandering. Libra must learn to accept love in a less-adorned package, and trade a few parties for cozy nights in. Capricorn must exit the cave to meet new people, play host and smile once a season. You can do it—but will you be happy? That's the question.

LIBRA + AQUARIUS (JANUARY 20 - FEBRUARY 18) ♥♥♥♥ You're one of the zodiac's easiest matches: just two carefree Air signs breezing through life with a full roster of friends, travels and adventures. Together, it's twice the fun. Although Libra is more the dashing diva/dandy and Aquarius the quirky Bohemian, your sunny social dispositions pair well. Every stranger is greeted by your hail-fellow-well-met embrace, and you collect friends wherever you go. Indeed, you may meet while chatting at the cheese counter, lounging poolside on the Riviera, or in a dog park scene reminiscent of an Ephron rom-com (picture Aquarius' retriever pouncing on Libra's dainty teacup terrier—what a metaphor). Your conversational chemistry guarantees a great first date, even if the prevailing vibe is platonic. If you hit it off, you'll host lavish parties with an eclectic mix of Aquarius' artsy, leftist comrades and Libra's highbrow circle, bringing them all together with panache. Caution: your casual natures can impede intimacy. In private, you can both be moody, making pouty, indirect plays for affection and sex. Aquarius is also far less romantic than Libra, at least in the traditional sense. That humanitarian bent will clash with Libra's caviar wishes (animal cruelty!) and fondness of bling (blood diamonds!). Most days, you take those differences in stride. Having a lifelong playmate is worth it.

LIBRA + PISCES (FEBRUARY 19 - MARCH 20) Drifting into a dappled dreamscape of your own imagination, your poetic souls entwine against astrological odds. Libra is an Air sign and Pisces is a Water sign; together you can stir a gentle sea breeze or drown in your own sexual tsunami. But oh, the romance is worth it. Like any good bodice-ripper, there's passion, intrigue and mystique to spice up this storyline. You can get lost for days in a decadent meal, a gorgeous sonata, each other's luminous eyes. While the cynics gag, they secretly envy your enchanted, oxytocin-addled bliss. Living in a fantasy is fun for your signs, and gratification eclipses all boundaries and structures. Another Sancerre, an hour less sleep—it can all be justified in the name of pleasure. It's when reality steps in that things get hairy. After waking past noon in your umpteenth limb-and-linen tangle, you remember that pesky paycheck, your stuffed Inbox, the unopened mail. Oops. Hung over and wholly unequipped to deal with the overwhelm, you lash out at each other. Without outside contact and obligations to anchor you, you can both descend into bouts of moodiness, indulgence and even depression. Balance—the Libra catchphrase—must be practiced early on.

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Heyo! Do you know of many fics where John cooks food and Sherlock has that moment of realization that he just loves John and their life together? (Or just any fic where one cooks food for the other haha)

Hi Nonny!

AHHHHH, not 100% this concept, but I do have a few food-related fics! Check it out!

COOKING, FOOD, & DINNERS

See also: 

Food Sex

Johnlock & Food (Alexx’s List)

Dinner With John by Zang Bluetterfly (T, 505 w. || Friendship, Romance) – “Let’s have dinner, John.” Sherlock secretly smiled. Irene had been right: he had rejected her dinner’s invitation because he already had John by his side, even though the doctor was still clueless about Sherlock’s true feelings for him.

The Basics by wearitcounts (Sher_locked_up) (T, 611 w. || Schmoop, Fluff, Coffee, Kissing, Friends to Lovers, The Morning After) – Morning snogs, and coffee.

Easy like Sunday Morning by lbmisscharlie (G, 910 w. || Fluff, Breakfast in Bed, Epic Friendship, Platonics/Domestics) – John and Sherlock and their lazy, dysfunctional Sunday mornings in bed. In which Sherlock has difficulty sleeping and John makes lots of toast. Shameless fluff. Part 1 of No Mushrooms Please

This Isn’t About the Bathtub by cypress_tree (G, 1,142 || Marriage Proposal) – John and Sherlock go to Angelo’s for dinner. In both of their pockets are rings they are going to propose with, but the other has no idea. John proposes first, and Sherlock answers by pulling out his engagement ring.

Overtime by glow_in_the_dark (G, 1,149 w. || Fluff, Tea, Caring Sherlock) – John has worked over 80 hours this week, and will no doubt have to go into work tomorrow too. Arriving home beyond dead tired, his flatmate seems to take make it his personal mission to make John comfortable. Part 2 of Little Fluffy Oneshots

There’s Always Three of Us by Itsallfine (T, 1,765 w. || S4 Fix It Fic/Post TFP, Parentlock / Rosie, Angelo’s, First Kiss, January 29, Love Declarations) – Sherlock takes John and Rosie out to Angelo’s and gets a chance to correct the biggest mistake of his life.

Risotto by Richefic (K+, 2,153 w. || Friendship, Angst, Misunderstandings, Apologies) – The first time that John cooks dinner for Sherlock is almost the last. Fortunately, Sherlock is really quite observant. Inspired by John’s reference in “The Great Game” to there being some leftover risotto in the fridge.

Corn Dog Daddy by inevitably_johnlocked (M, 2,719 w. || Sherlock POV, Fluff and Crack, Corn Dogs, Fairgrounds, Coming In Pants, Euphemisms, Military Kink, Flirting, Sexy John, BAMF John, Smol Sherlock, Pining Sherlock, Humour) – Sherlock and John wind down after a case in a small town at a county fair. Sherlock’s imagination goes awry as John’s sexiness drives him crazy. Also: John knows how to handle a meat stick. Part 2 of I-J’s Tumblr Ficlet Collection

On a Sunday Morning by SD_Ryan (G, 3,136 w. || Fluff, First Kiss, Obsessive Sherlock, Pining Sherlock) – Sherlock has a little problem. He can’t stop obsessing about John Watson. {{Note to Self: ‘Cheese Tease’}}

It Was All Right There In Front of Him (A Five Times Plus One Story) by bees_stories (T, 3,191 w. || 5+1, Protective Idiots, Grooming, Bed Sharing, Lestrade POV) – DI Greg Lestrade is a good detective. But sometimes he doesn’t trust the evidence in front of him, until there’s a compelling reason to do so.

Wish I Was In Heaven Sitting Down by standbygo (M, 3,282 w. || Post-S4, Five Plus One, Missing Scenes, Parenthood, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, Cuddling & Snuggling, Hurt/Comfort, Declarations of Love, Fluff, Food, John Whump) – Five times when Sherlock and John ate together, and one time they didn’t. A history of the boys, in food.

Five Times John Cooked Something with Peas and One First Kiss by 221b_careful_what_you_wish_for (T, 3,915 w. || 5 and Ones, Friends to Lovers, Mutual Pining, Cooking / Food, Sick Sherlock, Music, Domestic Fluff, First Kiss) – After John cooks five dinners that slowly reveal their hunger for each other, Sherlock and John finally share a first kiss.

Lingerie by Sexxica (E, 4,135 w. || Valentine’s Day, Lingerie / Women’s Underwear, Mildly Public Masturbation, Picture Texting / Sexting, Bottomlock, Body Worship, Anal Sex / Fingering, Rimming, Orgasm Delay / Denial, Est. Rel.) – It’s Valentines Day and Sherlock is taking John to Angelo’s for dinner. Sherlock also happens to be wearing a garter belt, stockings and a rather small pair of women’s underwear under his clothes. There’s no dessert at Angelo’s because John needs to get Sherlock home just as quickly as he can before they both lose their minds entirely.

See Recipe for Details by pandoras_chaos (E, 4,981 w. || Oral / Anal Sex, Food, PWP, Fingerfucking) – John knows Sherlock’s mouth will never water over the sweet smells of baking chocolate biscuits or a lovely roast chicken, but he’s watched Sherlock nick mince pies out of Mrs. Hudson’s fridge often enough to deduce that the man does have taste, albeit confusing and obscure. So John makes a list: Things Sherlock Likes

Because Blah Blah Blah Happy by cwb (E, 4,578 w. || Fluff, Cuddles, Kissing, First Kiss, Requited Love, Pining Sherlock) – John is entirely done with the milk situation and gives Sherlock a list of shit he’s pissed about. Sherlock sets out to make John happy. John is happy. Sherlock makes his own list. They are both very, very happy.

Survival Strategies for the Domesticated British Butthole by Atiki (E, 6,183 w. || Crack, Rimming, Anal Sex, Iced Lolly, Hair Removal, Depilation) – In which there’s a rimming disaster, Sherlock depilates his butt, everything goes very, very wrong and groceries are mistreated. This fic contains hair removal creme in a butthole, ice lollies in a butthole and John Watson’s penis in a butthole. You have been warned.

where the good things grow by anchors (M, 7,066 w. || Tea Shop AU || Alternate First Meeting, Magical Realism, Gardens, Tea, Friends to Lovers) – “I have a magic garden.” As come-ons go, John’s heard worse.

Bread and Wine and Curry Once a Week by cwb (E, 8,737 w. || Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Stroppy Sherlock, Love Letters, POV John) – Sherlock asks John for relationship advice. Little does he know that it’s him that Sherlock is in love with.

Fucking Cake by Random_Nexus (E, 12,965 w. || Pre-Slash, Humour/Crack, Inanimate Object Smut, Frottage, “For a Case” / “Experiment”, PWP / Kinky, Mutual Pining, Fluff) – Sherlock brings home a chocolate cake, John finds him about to have sex with said cake, then exceedingly weird hijinx ensue. Part 1 of “Fucking Baked Goods” - Sherlock BBC

Merlot by Itsallfine (E, 14,844 w. || Christmas, Pining Sherlock, Wine, Slow Burn, First Kiss / Time, Love Confessions, Wine, Holmes Family) – Sherlock and John work toward becoming something more as they prepare to host the Holmes parents at 221B for the holidays. Part of 25 Days of Fic-Mas 2015.

The White Lotuses by SilentAuror (E, 20,340 w. || Slowburn, Domestic, Romance) – One day John realises that he just isn’t where he belongs, which is back at Baker Street with Sherlock. So he goes back and Sherlock, in his own way, courts him. Romance.

A Shipless Ocean by myswordfishmind (M, 22,135 w || Post-TRF, John has a Kid) – Ten years after the fall Sherlock goes back to London to find that John no longer lives there. Instead, he resides in a seaside town, a widower, and the father of a seven year old son. Now, Sherlock must struggle with the fact that there may no longer be a place for him in this new world.

You Can Imagine the Christmas Dinners by ardenteurophile (T, 23,584 w. || Pre-Slash, Drama, Fluff & Angst, Humour, Romance) – Sherlock takes John along for Christmas dinner with Mycroft and Mummy (And “Anthea”, too). Over the course of the evening, John realises that everyone in the room - apart from him - seems to think that he and Sherlock are a couple. Part 2 of Xmas Dinners Verse

a good old-fashioned happy ending by darcylindbergh (E, 32,731 w. || Christmas, Frottage, Comfort, Est. Rel., Fluff, Insecure Sherlock, Frottage, Nightmares, Sleepy Sherlock, Marriage Proposal, Humour, Fluff, Dancing, Cooking, Happy Ending) – For Christmas this year, Sherlock wants to get John something special: something every fairytale deserves. Part 2 of things fairy tales are made of

Goodness Gives Extras by mydwynter (E, 39,629 w. || Fluff & Angst, Case Fic, Oral / Anal, Humour, First Time, Miscommunication, Snark, Christmas) – Christmas time. ‘Tis the season to settle down with a drink, some food and a present or two, and to enjoy the quiet relaxation of the holiday. Instead, there’s a case that drags them all over, missing presents, disappointed kids, angry parents, and a freak snowfall. On top of that John has to deal with Sherlock, who is being even more of a prat than usual. He really shouldn’t have expected anything different.

Bedroom Tales by Junejuly15 (M, 49,950 w. || Friends to Lovers, Through the Years, H/C, Military Kink, First Kiss / Time, Romance, Insecure Sherlock, Voyeurism, Post-TRF, Ficlets, Fluff and Angst, Fix-It Fics) – Bedroom Tales is a collection of John and Sherlock ficlets. They are set at various stages of their relationship and are in no particular order. Some are fluffy, some sexy, some angsty, there is hurt and comfort, romance and love. What unites them is that they all play in a bedroom, but not necessarily the one in 221B.

The Homecoming Series by sussexbound (M, 51,744 w. across 12 stories, WIP || Domestics, PTSD, Love Confessions, Hurt/Comfort, Cuddling, Jealousy, Family Issues, Cuddling) – Sometimes home is all you need. After three years of horror, betrayals, and crushing loss, John and Sherlock find their way back home to one another, and together find new footing in a world that has changed forever.

Guilty Secrets by Ellipsical (E, 55,086 w. || Drumsticks, First Kiss/Time, Love Confession, Self-Sexual-Discovery, Anal, Rimming, Orgasim Denial, Butt Plugs, Cooking, Furniture Sex, Bath Sex, Rimming, Double Penetration, Anal Beads, Dancing, Romance, Tantric Edging) – John has a prostate exam and discovers something surprising about himself. Experimentation follows. Sherlock wants to help. They’re in love. You know the drill.

The Book of Silence by SilentAuror (E, 60,056 w. || S4 Fix It / Post S4, Virgin Sherlock, Rosie / Parentlock, Domesticity, Fluff, Praise Kink, Sex Toys, First Person POV) – As spring blooms in London, John and Sherlock begin to take new cases and cautiously negotiate this new phase of life with John living at Baker Street again. Despite how well it’s all going, John struggles to forgive himself for the way he treated Sherlock following Mary’s death as well as trying to figure out how to finally put his long-time feelings for Sherlock into words. Part 1 of The Book of Silence/Rosa Felicia

31_Days_of_Porn_Challenge_2017 Series by distantstarlight (E, 96,540 w. across 31 stories || Prompt Ficlets, Assorted Kinks, PWP) – A collection in response to the 31 Days of Porn Challenge issued by AtlinMerrik! Thanks for doing that because this has been buttload of fun (that joke never gets old). All stories will be brief stand-alone one-shots.

Mise en Place by azriona (M, 161,004 w. || Restaurant (Kitchen Nightmares) AU || Sherlock is Gordon Ramsay / Celebrity Sherlock, Restauranteur John, Harry Plays Prominent Role, Alternating POV, Mutual Pining, Cranky Sherlock, Bed Sharing, Slow Burn) – John Watson had no intentions of taking over the family business, but when he returns from Afghanistan, battered and bruised, and discovers that his sister Harry has run their restaurant into the ground, he doesn’t have much choice. There’s only one thing that can save the Empire from closing for good – the celebrity star of the BBC series Restaurant Reconstructed, Chef Sherlock Holmes. Part 1 of Mise en Place

Unkissed Series by 221b_hound (T to E, 184,168 w. across 46 works || Established Relationship, Ace Sherlock) – Sherlock returned from the dead a year ago. John returned to Baker Street six months ago. They’ve been in a couple since then. or at least, not NOT a couple. For two smart men, they sure can be dumb. Luckily, an art thief tries to drown Sherlock, Sherlock has a fever dream and things are about to change.

[creativenicocorner]

Original Character in 5 Gifs

Aaaah Heck <3 Got tagged by @bifacialler  And challenged too! Hihi So here’s the thing with Karenna Isabella Navarro Méndez  

Karenna came Topside out of the fetch in the 1300′s of what was then The  Kingdom of Aragon, and what is known today as Northern Spain. 

For a changeling, she has a very assured sense of self, and takes the whole ‘Who am I? What am I?’ excestential questions changelings tend to ask themselves with stride. Though just because she makes it look easy, doesn’t mean she doesn’t struggle with those questions as well - at most she answers them with an ‘easy come easy go’ sort of mentality. One of those optimistic nihilist. Names have no meaning, the past cannot be changed, and the only thing she can control is herself and how to use the cards dealt to her. 

The simplest way to describe Karenna, is blunt. Which is a tricky thing to be in a secret spy organization like the Janus Order. Which has gotten her in quite a few near death situations, at least until she realized there’s a time and a place to be blunt. She is never afraid to speak her mind, or rather sign them. That doesn’t mean she isn’t clever enough to keep some thoughts and opinions to herself. 

What she won’t and can’t say in words, she’ll make clear with her actions (even if the actions are done in secret). If she doesn’t agree with certain orders she’ll still do them, all while able to find some sort of loop-hole to add a variation to it. 

An example of this can be seen in Terpsichore ch9 ( [Spoilers!] For most members of Gunmar’s army and secret order it’s un-spokenly expected to kill Trollhunters...though seeing as none of her direct orders mentioned anything about killing, she isn’t going to go out of her way to kill what is essentially children [End Spoilers!]).

Though perhaps the best example of this, is her time in the Spanish Inquisition, where Karenna earned the Janus Order Title of The Inquisitor...

Karenna is the go to changeling for reconnaissance and a gatherer of knowledge, which is why the hypocrisy of the Spanish Inquisition was very hard to swallow for this changeling. With the use of glamours she was stationed to infiltrate and take part in the Inquisition on the chance any other Janus Order member ended up falling into the Spanish Inquisition’s clutches, and would take measures to help sneak fallen changelings out. 

More so as an attempt to keep the hidden troll world a secret, than for the safety of fellow changelings...at least that was how Stricklander explained it to Bular at the time. After all the last thing anyone needed was the Inquisition to discover magical stone creatures existed. 

Thus Karenna was stationed there, however it wasn’t just fellow changelings she’d help sneak away, but other humans trapped there as well. Sometimes even forcing a glamour on another Inquisitor to take the form of a prisoner and watch gleefully as the Inquisitors torture one of their own, without their own knowing.

What a Scorpio, am I right?  <3 

Needless to say she became quiet adept in torturing information out of others, and is a good judge when trying to see who is lying for the sake of surviving and who is telling the truth.

Now, for plot and spoiler reasons I’m not going to disclose how her vocal chords became damaged. However they have been damaged for a very long time. 

Due to Bular’s temper tantrums and practically culling any changeling he deemed obsolete (and the lack of technology and un-researched magic on the topic) Karenna still forced herself to use her vocal chords despite the pain it caused - damaging her vocal chords even more to the point of no turning back. 

This was a major mental toll on the blunt opinionated changeling. Who not only enjoyed collecting knowledge but proving to others she had knowledge as well. It took a lot of soul searching to come to terms that this was a part of her life, and thus, as Shakespeare once put it; she turned her tears into sparks of fire. It was a long journey to embrace, but one she embraced with full force. She learned there was no shame in her condition and used it to her full advantage. 

As the head of reconnoissance and infiltration she brought to the Janus Order the two handed alphabet, and with it a bit more freedom to her fellow changelings. A means of expressing one’s self openly, and secretively all at once. Become a quick favorite in the eyes of Stricklander.

By the time the 17th century rolled around, the two handed alphabet and all its variations became a mandatory linguistic for all changelings to learn.  

Though with it, came Bular’s insecurity and paranoia of the changelings under his control. Because of this he attempted to banish this use (which resulted to changelings having to be even sneakier in using it, and mainly used it in closed locations, or among other humans). Fearful this might also mean the end of her life, Karenna was requested frequently to be placed in dangerous field work. 

By the 20th century and the introduction to security cameras, as well as sustaining quite a harmful injury, Karenna was relocated to a Janus Order desk job. Securing and looking over the physical archives within, with her partner Zurougia. 

A dream she works on in her own time is to invent an official CSL - changeling sign language. 

Karenna and Zurougia met while taking part in the coup d'état that lead to the accession of power of Princess Sophie of Anhalt-Zerbst more famously known as Cathrine the Great Empress of Russia.  

It is a rule in the Janus Order to make sure one always takes all sides. That way no matter who wins in human affairs, there is always a changeling. “We are guests in their world, until we make it our own.” is a very common phrase and reminder within the Janus Order.

When the coup d'état became a success Karenna and Zurougia celebrated, and continued celebrating...carnally. Quite unable to get enough out of the other, they fell very quickly, head over heels. 

However, there’s a reason why there aren’t many love stories in changeling folklore. It’s a rare concept to come by. There’s always a level of denial that love is a thing, or that it’s happening, or even possible. Love in their world is so rare, that it is almost thought of as a fairy tale idea. And like most changelings Karenna and Zurougia struggled with it. 

At least until they found themselves on opposite sides of the Pugachev's Rebellion, where the fear of losing the other forever became very great. When they met each other again on the battlefield, under almost impossible odds, they decided then and there to hold onto what they have. For as long as they can. 

And they did. And have been together ever since. 

At a glance they easily fall under the trope of gentle giant, and snarky little bullet. Together they make for an excellent and formidable tag team. 

They are also the most stable relationship inside the Terpsichore universe. Since I’ll be exploring many different angles and heartbreak and other angsty goodness relationship-muck wise in Terpsichore, I wanted to make sure there is at least one (1) couple that radiates as a healthy stable relationship. Who’s only main argument is when the wedding bells will toll. 

To those who worry if Karenna and Zurougia will survive to the end of Terpsichore, or will fall under the dreaded ‘kill your gays’ trope, I can tell you here and now - SPOILERS 

 yes, they will survive. They are happy and together to the end.  

END SPOILERS

She is quite easily one of my favorite characters I’ve invented yet. A mixture of sass and intelligence (a common trope in most of my characters) but also a character who isn’t afraid to stick to her guns, and be true to what her heart believes- even when stacked against the odds.  

Like some changelings she looks up to and respects Stricklander, as well as distrusts him considering his past actions. However that respect tripled with the death of Bular, happily accepting a life and world without Gunmar. Believing changelings to be better off with the warlord trapped in the Darklands. 

To those who’ve followed Terpsichore, I can confirm she’ll be quite the thorn in Otto’s side. 

Anyways I know it isn’t part of the meme, but I’m also very music based in my writing, so here’s her theme song haha

I think that just about covers it! Whew! That was fun!

And now I shall tag @random-emerald-thoughts ( *cough* a challenge for more Ashur info? Or Sadik? your pick ; P ) as well as @danger-flammable !!

[juuls]

Got any stuckony recs?

YES! Absolutely yes!

My apologies this took until today. I had a busy weekend and had to rest a lot, but I’m here now. :) Also, I don’t have my old bookmarks list (long story) so I’m having to go through and look for my favorites, old and new. Long process! (This took me over four hours, though I was doing a few other things as well. Still, I’m a bit of a slowpoke.)

See below the cut for some of my favorites, and don’t forget to leave kudos and comments (even just an “I liked this!”) for the authors, to let them know their hard work is appreciated!

(If someone knows an author’s Tumblr handle, let me know or tag them so that I can edit this rec list and tag them appropriately!)

Equilateral by FestiveFerret @festiveferret

It was the way Steve had said, “I found him,” the desperate, agonized hope, that had Tony replying with, “Bring him home,” without any hesitation.

But now, now he was hesitating like fuck.

Penny Candy and Sparklers by StrivingArtist @striving-artist

James Buchanan Barnes: formerly the Winter Soldier, formerly Captain America’s right hand man, formerly a sergeant, formerly a dock worker, formerly Stevie’s best friend…. currently a glorified prisoner of Prince T’Challa…. had trouble wrapping his head around all those former selves. He spent too much time thinking about all the bits of him that he kept gluing back together to pretend he was a person anyone would want to keep. He spent even more time picking at the cracks, pointing the flaws out to himself. Only thing he did more than that was make sure no one else noticed how far he was from human.

So, James Buchanan Barnes, who didn’t know what to call himself, who didn’t know how to go forwards, agreed, and moved back into the tower where his best friend lived with a husband orphaned by the Winter Soldier.

Hide A Heart of War by RayShippouUchiha @rayshippouuchiha

“You’ve got war in your heart boy,” Howard sneers, “don’t ever try and pretend to be anything but what you are.”

Tony feels the familiar burn of a flower mark being etched into his skin but he doesn’t look, doesn’t try and check to see what it is. Instead he keeps his eyes on Howard and his hands cupped around his bleeding mouth and nose.

Of Spiders and Super-Soldiers by AuddieAussie (Juulna’s note: I come back and read this all the time when I need some family feels and a smile. :))

After the hell that was Ultron and the Sokovia Accords, Tony doesn’t blame the team for wanting nothing to do with him. To make up for past mistakes, Tony disappears into his lab and focuses on using his money and brains to provide the Avengers with more fancy tech than they’ll ever need. By doing this, he also doesn’t have to worry about Steve’s grim frown, Bucky’s hateful gaze, or everyone else’s cold annoyance.

For six long months, this formula worked, but then fate decided to be a Loki-like dick and Tony wasn’t sure how it happened, but in the span of one week, he’d somehow acquired a kid.

and you needed someone to show you the way by SailorChibi @tsuki-chibi

Tony knows what the team really thinks of him. It’s a delicate balance: they tolerate him because of his money and his toys, and he gets to stay on the team and fight with them. He’s okay with that. So long as he hides the fact that Steve’s and Bucky’s names are written on his skin in the most embarrassing act of one-sided love affection ever, everything will be fine.

It just figures that a fantastically stupid villain, a kidnapping plot and a video camera will bring Tony’s well-kept secret out into the open.

The Mechanic, The Soldier, and The Captain by AvocadoLove (Juulna’s note: this is sad)

HYDRA need a replacement for Zola’s genius, and they have years worth of experience breaking and brainwashing a good man into something they can control.

Beware of Super Soldiers And Their Enticing Laps by Confused_Emo

Tony’s eyes shifted back toward the remaining occupants of the room only to realise there was literally no space in the sitting area for him.

This apparently was the best time for Bucky to make suggestive gestures, as the soldier patted his thigh lasciviously, “Why don’t you come sit on my lap, plenty of space right here.”

Just Far Enough by TheSopherFly (Juulna’s note: please read the tags. This is triggering and sad and angsty but fucking phenomenally well done and one of my all-time favorites… And I don’t like angst at all.) 

Tony couldn’t honestly remember how long it had been like this. Probably since the day he’d called T’Challa and offered his help. At first it had just been compulsive self-denial: you can’t eat until you’ve drafted your opening remarks, until you’ve finished your research, until you’ve rewritten every last colon and comma and apostrophe in those Accords so that everyone can come home.

Those goals had been realistic. Lately, they’d become impossible. Until everyone forgives you. Until you forgive yourself. Until you make up for every bad thing you’ve ever caused.

He was fine. He was coasting in a dangerous place, but he was fine. He wasn’t taking it too far - just far enough.

Trinity by cinaea (immediately followed by pt. 2: Volition)

He’s become the kind of monster he all but died trying to stop.

A D/s, soul-bond AU set in modern day. More than two years ago, Bucky Barnes was lost during a Howling Commandos mission and captured by HYDRA. He and fellow prisoners Clint and Natasha—all submissives—are treated as slaves and forced to carry out terrorist attacks for their masters. An attack by the Avengers enables their escape but leaves Bucky with an incomplete soul bond to two superheroes.

Vowing to never be imprisoned again, Bucky and his friends go on the run from HYDRA, from law enforcement, and from the two dominants who will do anything to find him.

Don’t Tell Pepper by Crematosis

Tony convinces Steve that it is totally okay to include Bucky in their relationship because nobody will ever know. They’ll keep it a secret from the team and they’ll absolutely keep it a secret from Pepper because she’ll only yell at them.

Like most of Tony’s good ideas, it comes back to blow up in his face.

Underneath the Mistletoe by DreamcatchersDaughter @dreamcatchersdaughter

5 times Tony gets caught underneath the mistletoe and one time he doesn’t (and thank fuck for that).

and another like it by the same author:

Christmas Kisses (aka Sam is So Done With Your Shit)

Their mutual pining is driving him crazy, but its okay cause Natasha’s got a plan.

The Colors That Bind Us by yasminakohl @stuckonstoney

When Steve Rogers was six a boy saved him from a bully, then sky went from white-gray to brilliant blue.

When Bucky fell, the world stayed colorful and everyone told him it was because of the serum, he believed them.

When he woke from the ice and he finds the black and white he’d expected years ago, sixty-six years ago it seems, he’s crushed.

Now there’s color again, this time it comes with amazing reds and golds.

Until he wakes up and his sky is brilliant and his color mate is trying to kill him, his first color mate.

Will Steve ever be able to have his blue, red and gold?

The Melting, the Spark, and the Suffocation by btBatt @batterology

“So, Bucky,” he said, clapping his hands. “You ready to change the lives of asthmatic little punks everywhere?” Bucky sent a skeptical look Steve’s way.

“It seems to be my calling in life,” he said. Steve just smiled. He looked a little like he was having a moment, one of his oh-my-God-I-have-Bucky-back moments, so Tony smiled too.

“There are worse things,” Tony mused.

“Hear, hear,” Natasha said.

The Limitations of Wax by RayShippouUchiha @rayshippouuchiha (Juulna’s note: This has been untouched for quite a while but there are separate WiPs being written and branched off of this – and completed – that are fantastic, and the core character study in this fic is fantastic so I still recommend it.)

Toni Stark grows up with the tale of Icarus swirling in the back of her mind. Instead of taking it as a precautionary tale about hubris and overreaching she decides it’s more about the limitations of wax.

Years later when she builds herself wings of her own she makes sure to build them out of better material.

Difficult Conversations by yumekuimono @yumekuimono

HYDRA had brainwashed their Asset into silence, and then muzzled him to boot. It’s not that surprising that Bucky no longer considers talking to be one of his strong suits. So why does he keep having to have difficult conversations?

Or, the road to loving Tony Stark is never an easy one. (Juulna’s note: Eventual/Pre-OT3)

Strip it Down by Batfink

“Think about who you’re talking to Bucky. I am the technology king. What you’re asking me to do goes against everything I hold dear.” Tony looked positively distraught.

Bucky slid his hand onto Tony’s cheek, tilting his head until their eyes met. “Crying, Tony. Over the fucking washing machine.”

Giving a Friend a Hand by neunundneunzig (seasidesunset)

Bucky gets Tony’s help dealing with… anatomy malfunctions, and it turns into much more.

Operation: Knuckleheads by FestiveFerret @festiveferret

Bucky is enjoying his new, post-Winter Soldier life at Avengers Tower, until he discovers that the constant tension between Steve and Tony was caused by a recent (and mysterious) breakup. Determined to make his friends happy, Bucky gives himself a new mission: figure out what went wrong, and get these two idiots in love back together again.

Compass Heading by antigrav_vector @disco-pinecone

So… It’s complicated. Steve went and got himself killed on a mission, and, somehow, in the aftermath, Tony ended up getting together with Barnes. He’s still not entirely sure how that happened, really, but he’s not about to question it too hard. He’s enjoying it too much.

Then, because the universe loves turning his life upside down, they find Steve. It’s been two years, and things have changed, but Tony still cares about the asshole, and that, right there, is a problem.

Too Damn Short by MrShyRockstar

“I’m too short for this shit.”

This literally sums up this little ficlet. Tony’s too short, Steve is clearly (to anyone with eyes *coughnottonycough*) pining, and Bucky is just watching everything with exasperated amusement. That is all.

Put Your Arms Around Me, Hold Me Tight by StarSpangledBucky

Tony and Bucky desperately need to sort out the kink in their relationship, before they both lose Steve, or one of them does. It isn’t until the second week Steve is away on a mission that Tony goes through a nightmare, and Bucky decides to comfort him. From there, it gives them a chance to talk. And by the time Steve comes back, he’s more than satisfied by the results.

Minefields by arianapeterson19 (Juulna’s note: Please heed the tags! Content is triggering for abusive relationships.)

Being in an abusive relationship was a bit like needing glasses. He didn’t realize it until the damage was done.

Funny how people assume only men can be abusive.

And a new fic by a new author I would like to recommend to people to read:

Lonely Boy by thereddame @the-red-dame

Tony gets a visit from a Tony from a different universe and she needs him to help keep her children safe until Girl-Tony can kick some HYDRA ass. She’s being pretty tight-lipped about the father but he’s got a sneaking suspicion it’s Steve. Hey, maybe he can get ‘best babysitter in the universe’ award after this? 

I’m sure since you are sending me an ask you know about my fics (though maybe not my oneshot), but I’ll list them anyway. ;)

Necrosis by Juulna

Necrosis (from the Greek νέκρωσις “death, the stage of dying, the act of killing” from νεκρός “dead”)

Tony always thought he’d die first, of the three of them. He’d accepted it, even. Hell, he wasn’t even sure that Steve or Bucky coulddie. Shows how much he knew.

Hanging From a Cross of Iron by Juulna

Toni Stark never - not even once - had a soulmark appear. Not one she can remember, at any rate. But when one finally appears, and the date of her rendezvous seems impossible to meet, does she decide to move on with her life, and forget the words written upon her skin?

Of course not. She’s Toni fucking Stark. Making the impossible possible is practically her family motto.

Well… there we go! I hope that that suffices for recommendations? If you want some more, I’m happy to provide them! Happy reading, and don’t forget:

Leave the authors your love in the form of a kudos and/or comment!

MUAH! xoxo

[elle-stevens]

The Break Up Blog - Day One

I broke up with my girlfriend last night. 

Before then, we’d been together since January 2016, so 3 years and 7 months. I hoped we’d make it to the fourth year marker in 2020, if only for the sake of maintaining symmetry. I don’t like it when things or people break and separate without prior warning. 

But I suppose I’m still a little in denial, there were all kinds of warnings for months, maybe years, that a break-up was imminent. My first clue should’ve been the broken coffee mug that X bought for me. I came from a trip from visiting her and I found the coffee mug on the kitchen floor. It had fallen off a hook I installed on the wall a year ago; the handle had broken off completely and there was a massive crack down the side. Before I left town, I had hung it on a hook that I knew had trouble sticking to the wall. Self-sabotage perhaps? I guess I’ll never know. 

It turns out that X is a liar. She lied about her wants and needs, she lied about her financial status, her physical health. She even lied about still loving me when she no longer did. That last part hurt me more than the other lies. When I texted her last night and confronted her with the truths of her deception, X’s responses left me reeling. It was like I was suddenly talking to a stranger. I had given X nearly 4 years of my heart, my hopes and dreams, even my money. This was devastating to me because I’m already 34 years old and there are only a few good child-bearing years left in me. I thought she was the one: that person I was going to share every new life experience with from here on out. The person I was going to marry, the future mother of my children, the sharer of bank accounts and family-sized vans, you get the picture. 

Despite it beginning as an online relationship and ending as a long-distance relationship, X had made me happy once up on a time. She had been perfect on paper. I didn’t care that we came from different cultures, family backgrounds and even financial situations. I cared that she loved me for me and accepted me completely. But that’s the stuff of fairy tales, isn’t it? I saw what I wanted to see, I believed what I wanted to believe. And I discarded everything else that didn’t fit into that neat and beautiful picture of the two of us. 

When I knew we were going to break up, I called X on the phone and ended things properly and with civility. I told her I didn’t want of the money back that she’d siphoned out of me through deceptive means and I told her that I would send back her personal effects and gifts she’d given me like a big teddy bear and a few rings. I love that teddy bear, but I wouldn’t be able to cuddle with it again without wishing it was X I was spooning instead. Then I wished her luck with the hope that she’ll be kinder to the next woman she loves. After that, I went to my good friend’s house, drank peach-flavoured Korean soju and talked abut the future with her. When I came home later, I changed my home-screen pictures on my phone and iPad so that I wouldn’t see X’s face staring back at me. 

That was last night. 

Now, it’s the first day of my re-introduction into single-hood and I’m still trying to process it. I started the day by drinking half a bottle of Korean soju and dining on Lay’s potato chips while binge-watching ‘Breaking Bad’. I’m too depressed to eat properly and too broke to leave my apartment. Thank God for small mercies like wifi and Netflix. I changed my Netflix password and deleted my X’s profile off my account. It isn’t true love if you aren’t willing to commit to sharing Netflix accounts, right? Then I slept during the afternoon; my head was pounding because of my blocked sinuses from crying for most of this week. I posted an angsty poem about X on my Facebook Messenger story feed which I knew (and hoped) X would read during the day. I re-read our fight and break-up in text form and some gushy emails X sent me months while she was at work. Then I did one productive thing and applied for some new jobs. My current job is nice, but not satisfying in the ways that count, so it’s time to move on. 

I feel like I’m at a lot of different crossroads, both personally and professionally. I’m single for the first time in 3 years and trying to figure out what job I’m going to do next. I used to rely heavily on creative writing during my blue periods, but it’s coming back to me in painfully slow increments. All my love and inspiration went into my romantic relationship and now that’s gone. Maybe there’ll be someone else who will sweep me off my feet again just like X did, maybe there won’t. It’s scary to think of either possibility. So I’m going to try it one day at a time and pray to God that I don’t close my heart forever after this. This is the first of what I hope will be many break-up blogs as I gradually try to move on.

I don’t want to delete or get rid of everything I had with X, not yet at least. A selfish part of me wants to hold onto her into some form or other, even if it’s just to keep some parts of her alive in my heart. Maybe X is a liar and a cruel person to have used me the way she did, but I still want to hold onto the good parts she gave me when we first started till now. As absurd as it sounds, I still believe that X is a good person underneath all the lies and bullshit. I just hope that she realises it eventually. 

The tears are starting to fall again, so this is a good place to end this blog for now. I just hope I have enough strength to keep returning to this until I finally move on. It might be the only thing that keeps me sane from here on out. For anyone who ends up reading my blogs, I hope it gives you the resolve to get out of a bad relationship and the hope to be happy with just yourself again.