#breakupblog

[ijumpedacrossforyou]

And there it is.

Predictably, he finally texted 10 days after saying he would leave me alone. A text of reasonable length. “I know I said I wouldn’t bother you but...” he did anyway. “You’ve done nothing to deserve this.” “I’m truly sorry for being dishonest.” “I’m not looking for a response.” “I hope everything great happens for you going forward.” This generic package tied with a "hope all is well” bow. I knew he wouldn’t be able to resist.

I told him again that he wasn’t sorry. He may actually be sorry I’m hurt, I just don’t believe he’s sorry he hurt me. He has never seemed or cared to understand why these deceptions bother me so much - the way it makes him look to me, the way it makes all the time we’ve spent together a farce, the way it makes everyone right, the way it makes her right. I hate it, and I hate that it doesn’t bother him. It’s partially my fault for allowing him to continually ask for forgiveness instead of permission. I have always come around. Why wouldn’t he expect me to do the same this time?

I am just so tired. I have waited so long for things to change while everything only continued to get worse. I pointed that out one of the times I tried to end it. We went from spending every weekend out together to him hiding any traces of being with me. He rejected all invitations to spend time with me and my friends or do anything in public. He parked a few blocks away and walked over to my house, as if the people he thought were watching would notice his vehicle but somehow wouldn’t notice him. We fought the first time. I told him it was okay after that, because I wanted that badly to see him.

I told him I would not absolve him this time. He said he didn’t want that. He only wanted me to know he was sorry and felt like a piece of shit. I told him he had no reason to feel bad about it now if he didn’t feel bad about doing it in the first place. “You have no idea how I felt when doing it but okay. Just keep thinking you know how I feel.” He also said he “hopes I find what I’m looking for.” Whatever he thinks that means. Probably finding someone else to be with, not believing that I have absolutely no intentions of ever dating again. Partly because I love him, and partly because I’m terrified of wasting any more of my time on men who won’t love me back. I’d rather be alone than face this level of disappointment again.

The conversation ended with me saying I have to guess how he feels, because what he says and what he does do not correlate. I saw he began to respond but stopped himself. Maybe because we agreed not to argue. I am trying my hardest to convince myself it doesn’t matter. No more excuses. No more rationalizing. It is what it is. Let it be. Let him be, and hope he leaves me be.

[elle-stevens]

Guurrrlll, you look good enough to...sail away on a boat with :-P

[elmolou1990-blog]

Im (almost) over you.

I saw you today, I've seen you before of course but, today was different. So Here we are, your presence permeating my space. You looked both familiar and unfamiliar; I could feel the echoes of those long since felt butterflies in my stomach. Seeing you felt both physically and emotionally painful, and the expectation of what I thought would happen was so close I could hardly catch my breath. I thought things were different but I couldn't look at you, although I don’t have any more reason to catch your eye I wonder if you'd catch mine. I wonder what you thought of. I thought my heart was going to come out my chest. And then it all came crashing down. You hurt me. You lied to me. You caused me pain. I am angry at you. I can't bring myself to forgive you. I miss you. I yearn for you. I want you back. But I don't want you back. I want my old life with you back. You, you, you. The air gets thicker, my breath becomes short. It's like you're sucking the oxygen from my very lungs, you're nowhere near yet you're everywhere. You, you, you. I wonder how you are doing. I wonder if you are happy. I wonder what you think about me, and I can imagine you reading this, shaking your head. You always told me that I care too much what people think of me.I wonder if you’re proud, I know that you'll hate my blog, but what about my writing? Do you think I have potential? What do you think of the person I'm becoming. You, you, you. You told me you never wanted me to become bitter or cynical, you never wanted me to hate the world as you do. But I do now, there's no beauty left. I pass buildings, taken over with weeds and vines, I think of you. I walk the beaches there sand between my toes, I think of you. I walk past pubs the smells of beer hits me, I think of you. You, you, you. I’ve thought for weeks that these memories are unhealthy, signs that I am not ready to let you go. I’ve worried that if these thoughts haunt me forever, I will never be able to move on. But then I close my eyes and I can remember exactly how I felt that day. The hurt, the anger, the pain. Yes, I still miss you a lot, much more than I care to admit. After all, at some point in our lives I’ve loved you. But I know better now than to act on that yearning. You, of all people who had come and gone through my life, had been the hardest to lose – precisely because you weren’t mine in the first place. I had to watch you like a shooting star, dazzling me with your mystery and your charm – but all too soon you disappeared, and I was left with an empty sky. It seemed like I was destined to fall in love with you but never have you fall in love with me. Such a shame, the way fate has patterned our lives together; two lines approaching but never quite meeting.I’m still not over you, and that is okay. Losing you wasn’t a hangover that you can get over in a day’s time, or a bruise that leaves no trace after a week. I have to accept that there are days when I am over you, and there are days when it still hurts. With all this chaos in my heart, there is only room for acceptance, but I will make acceptance my road to letting go of you. Someday, it will not hurt anymore. This will all be just a scar, and what a beautiful scar it will be – it has taught me a lesson and left me with a reminder. Meeting you has taught me that I am capable of loving someone who can never love me back. Losing you has taught me to let go. Someday, I will stop looking for you altogether – I will stop seeing your face in the crowd, hearing your voice in the humdrum of every day. I will stop wondering about you, thinking about you. Someday I will finally stop falling in love with you. I’m still not over you, but I will be someday.

[post-breakup]

[break-upchronicles]

FORGIVE

I'm not writing this to tell yourself to forgive every person who has hurt you. I'm writing this to forgive yourself for the decisions you've made. At a certain point in your life, you truly believed that decision was right. Maybe you knew it was wrong but you wanted to take the risk. and that's more than okay. We all stay longer in relationships in hopes they'll get better. We love harder and longer in hopes of reciprocation. We love others more than ourselves because at one point we believed everything we have given to someone would somehow be given back and more. Wrong. After my most recent relationship has failed. I have hit rock bottom. I have come to conclusions that self love is the only answer to survive this life. Without self love, everything in your life can easily be manipulated with clouded judgement. Know yourself and love yourself enough to walk away from people and environments that do NOT serve your growth and purpose.

[inquietstrength]

Dear God, Does the pain of loss ever dull? I know that I am bad at leaving scabs alone, and that I need to stop picking at it, but it's almost too much... Love, Me

[kingdominherkingdom]

Rejection and feeling like you’re not good enough have got to be the worst feelings in the world #heartbreak #breakupblog

[thisisgoodbye]

my final letter to him

I can't do this anymore. I can't be your friend and to be blunt I don't want to be right now. You will never understand how much you hurt me and I've accepted that. The past is the past I can't forget what happened and I probably never will. With saying that I wouldn't be human if I didn't cherish all the good memories. I work day by day to push the bad ones out of my mind. You were once my best friend and now I have no idea who you are. Im not perfect I know I've done wrong in my life and our relationship but I'm not going to play into your games anymore. You know that necklace meant the world to me just like you once did and you are the one who broke the promise that came with it so you asking for it back blows me away but doesn't surprise me. Sometimes you have to burn bridges to prevent yourself from crossing them again. In the end this is 100% on you. You broke us. You made the decision not me. I never wanted any of this. I'm sorry it had to come to this but I'm putting myself and my feelings first and all this back and forth hurts me too much. Today is another prime example of that. I know you'll think I'm childish, immature, a bitch and whatever else for not wanting to stay friends but at the end of the day I do not care what you think of me anymore. You lost that respect when you shattered my world into a million pieces and left me alone to clean up the mess. I have never felt more confident in myself and where I am in life than I do right now and ill be damned to keep someone in my life who compromises that. So thank you for putting me through hell because I came out of it standing on two feet and stronger than ever. Im over it. I'm done.

[ijumpedacrossforyou]

It’s been a week.

He’s gone an entire week without caving into either of our demands. He hasn’t tried to ask me how I am or attempt to further apologize. Radio silence on both our ends. My heart has skipped a few beats when I thought I saw his name pop-up, but once was just my mind playing tricks, and the other, wondering if he had a new number, immediately realized it was just another entity with full access to my being. It brought me back to a period of time where I refused to create a contact for him. Every random number on my lock screen sent a wave through my stomach.

The first few days, as I debated starting an argument just to keep him around, and wondering if he’d find the courage to reach back out in a last ditch effort, everything felt surreal. I was dazed, going through the motions of my everyday while trying to understand how I let things get so bad. It all feels dull and pointless. The weight of the worst of what the world has to offer crushing my deepest depths of my soul. I feel everything and nothing right now. It’s like when you get past the point of exhaustion where you’re no longer tired, but you know the moment you get to rest, you will quickly succumb to the need.

I can’t be sure exactly how this is impacting him. Whether he’s as miserable as he’s ever claimed to be without me, or if she’s right about him being a narcissist. That he’s just angry he can’t have his cake and eat it, too. I don’t really believe that. I think he’s much too insecure, and though he’s deceitful, I wouldn’t describe him as manipulative, but I suppose it’s not out of the realm of possibilities. People have gone to some seriously great lengths to get their own way. I can’t be as naive to think he wouldn’t. Hasn’t.

I deleted all of our conversations save screenshots of our last exchange. I read them every time I start to forgive him. His fronting a complete lack of care. Or maybe it’s genuine, I can’t be sure. I look at the photos of the palm trees, the sunshine, the smiles, all flaunted directly and purposely in my face. I do this to keep the letdown fresh, the antipathy at the forefront of my mind. Yet I still couldn’t trust myself not to give into my craving for closure, so I deleted his number, too. Walking to my car, nearing midnight, I took a breath and almost without hesitation, “Delete Contact.” I didn’t panic. Even though I have no way of retrieving that number.

The first time I went through these motions, I wanted to die. I was alone and hysterical, and I sat on the floor, so sad and weak, asking myself what I was supposed to do? It took a few days for me to cry this time, but at least I know what to do now. 

[elle-stevens]

The Break Up Blog Entry - Day Seventy Eight

So, today’s blog is going to go a little differently...

I had an online session with my therapist straight after work. 

A lot of things were revealed to me and I cried a lot as I came to certain realisations about X and our relationship. But at the end of it, my therapist urged me to write a letter expressing love to myself, that I’d like to put here for all of you to read with me. 

Here goes...

A Letter to a more Jaded, Present You.

Tuesday Evening

29th October 2019

Dear Lindsay,

Your eyes are puffy, your throat is scratchy and your nose is blocked. 

You've been crying over X again. 

Granted, you only cried over her because LY, your therapist, got you talking about your failed relationship and acknowledging certain truths you've been trying to avoid. 

The truth is, it's ok to feel sad. 

You loved X and you wanted to make cute half South African and half Filipino babies with her.

  But, Linz, you have to face facts now. X stopped loving you. Chances are, she never loved you to begin with. If she had loved you, she would never have told you she had cancer just to get money out of you. 

Lindsay, you deserve better than someone who's just an empty vessel: soulless and unfeeling. 

Underneath all your bluster and feigned cynicism, you have a good heart. You love people without inhibitions for better or for worse. You wear your heart on your sleeve because you want to believe that people are inherently good. Don't stop believing in people; sometimes, they'll prove you right. 

People have told you this countless times, but it's true. You don't look your age. You look younger than 34! That's because you don't take drugs, you've never done cosmetic surgery and you don't abuse the sauce...too much. Girl, you look good! Just adorable like a chipmunk. This is proof that you're aging well. But seriously, watch that booze intake though, if not just for the sake of your malfunctioning esophagus. 

You're a real woman in the sense that you don't feel the need to plaster your face with makeup or skincare products. You take full ownership of every wrinkle, pimple and a hairy upper lip. People don't just think you're beautiful when you dress yourself up. You're beautiful as you are, and that's enough. 

Some people might disagree, but you're funny. Sure, you still struggle to let other people laugh at you, but you're getting there slowly. You know how to be self-deprecating and not take life too seriously. You know how to brighten people's days with one of your well-timed (or ill-timed) jokes. Don't stop seeing the funny side of things - it'll keep you younger the more you smile and laugh.�� 

You're honest, Linz. Sometimes, you do lie and keep things to yourself. But you never lie about who you are, flaws and all. Keep showing your true self to others. There will always be people who will accept you as you are. And if they don't, then they're not worth knowing. 

You're not stingy with giving out compliments. Sometimes, I think you're some kind of vending machine with how you keep spitting out these compliments. You never tire of making people feel good about themselves. Keep lifting people up whenever you can - whether it's a kind word, a smile or just an acknowledgement. Letting people know that you see them and that you care should never be devalued. 

I'm sure you're feeling pretty chuffed with yourself right now. Good! Lindsay, you're a fucking catch! One day, you're going to make some man or woman get down on their knees and thank every celestial being that they finally found you. You're very romantic and creative, of course you'll find love again. 

So forget about X and her broke ass and live a little. Do things just for you and smile more. You're single and you have the whole world at your feet. 

Ok, I have to go now. But I'll be back again when you're dumb enough to stop believing in yourself and forget to love yourself.  You were born to love and to be loved. You are too special and amazing to ever believe otherwise. So keep using that heart of yours for good things and good people. 

God's not done with you yet, so keep showing up, ok? Even if no one else ever loves you (which is impossible, by the way), I still love and cherish you very much. You're gonna get over X and move on soon. 

You're gonna be just fine. 

All my love (and jokes),

Lindsay, 15 minutes later. 

xoxoxo 

Damn, that felt good. And now, I’m going to celebrate how awesome I am by doing whatever I fucking want tonight.  

[elmolou1990-blog]

Handling Social Media Post Breakup.

Social media after a breakup can be a minefield. When do you change your relationship status? You just know the minute it reads 'single' you’ll have a million comments and inboxes saying “What happened!?” Or "Are you okay?" And my personal favourite “I’m here for you if you need me!” Should you unfriend your ex? I mean do you really want them to be able to see your every online move? You know the first profile picture change post breakup will be full of flattering comments, probably from guys you've can't even remember knowing which will ultimately piss off your ex... Is it worth it? Oh balls to it, and let’s just be honest, you don't want to unfriend your ex because then you can’t cyberstalk their activities anymore either... We've all done it. Can I really post that!? If you're asking yourself this it's probably best you don't post it. However, a breakup will totally mess with your rationale and morals so you'll probably post it anyway... These, and many other reasons, are why I suggest that Facebook (and all other social media outlets) create special post breakup button, wether we are the heartbreaker or the heartbroken either party can hit that feature and have access to all these settings within seconds: Facebook automatically change your relationship status to single, and then automatically deletes and hides all traces of the offending wall post so no one sees it. Hide your ex so you don’t have to see him in your feed every five minutes; because ultimately you will sit and agonise over the fact that he’s posting new pictures, deleting pictures of you, updating his info, basically getting his Facebook account back into dating shape, you'll spend hours trawling through his friends list trying to spot a new female face, then you'll trawl her accounts, hours and hours of wasted time punishing yourself. I'm not ashamed to admit I've done that. Bans you from searching for your ex more than say once a week with a 3 minute on page time limit, again tying into the above. You will waste hours and hours stalking and punishing yourself Keep you from impulsively reaching out to 'those guys', you know the ones who date women into bed, who send message after message to 'make you feel better'. There is a reason you have never dated these men before now. The breakup settings will just know it’s a bad idea and not allow you to message them or accept messages from them (because they will contact you do as soon as that 'single' post reaches their screen). Hide all those bitches online that are now engaged, married and over the top happy (and yes at times that will include your best friends and family) – you don’t need to see that kind of happiness right now. The breakup settings (I need a catchy name for this) will bring forward all the people who are going through messy breakups and divorces, all the people who feel just as miserable as you and that way you know you are not alone (and you are maybe even better off than some of them - harsh I know but sometimes it's necessary. And if that fails switch on Jeremy Kyle!). Intuitively know (yes I want Facebook to be psychic) when you’ve had too much to drink and keep you from messaging your ex, visiting their page or looking through old pictures of you together, when you were oh-so-happy. Emotionally torturing yourself is not a good idea. Intuitively know, (yes I'm asking a lot) when you’ve had too much to drink or are just in a very dramatic 'woe is me' mood and keep you from posting awkward enigmatic status updates, like “I'm so sad today,” or “I miss someone today.” No one wants to read that. Or even worse (and this is what I stupidly did), it will stop you saying terrible things about your ex and airing your relationship’s dirty laundry. People definitely want to read that (it’s interesting stuff, which will be talked about and will be shown to your ex!). You WILL regret it later, trust me on that, I still cringe and tear up at the thought of what I wrote online. Automatically give you a new password. Because it’s highly likely you knew each other’s passwords and can hack into each other’s accounts whenever you wish... I'm pretty pleased to announce I have never done this (nor did we share passwords) but I know people who have and someone who had a conversation with his ex over Facebook while she was attempting to hack him... Prevent you from posting pictures with the wrong intentions – ie: you with another guy because you want your ex to see you’ve totally moved on, get jealous, and want you back (this is not going to happen) or shots of you looking hotter than ever so he’ll know what he’s lost - Although I have to say posting hot pictures I think is totally a okay! I have been told though (yes I really have, and they've now been deleted) that posting selfies is 'a little desperate and pathetic'. That was a lovely message to wake up to the day after my first positive day in months. When the time is right, Facebook will eventually unfriend your ex. We all know that “let’s remain friends” hardly ever works, in real life or online so it would be 100x easier for the powers that be to take all of that pressure off you both! So there we have it and as soon as I'm able to fully leave the house without a panic attack or the help of another person I'll be straight over to Facebook Headquarters and speaking to them about such a function... I'll be interested to hear if any of you lovely lot have any ideas for what to call this feature!? Answers on a postcard!

[kingdominherkingdom]

If it was all a lie it’s the most beautiful lie I’ve ever been told 🤞🏾 - #heartbreak #breakupblog #venting

[ilovehimandhatehim]

Breaking up sucks.

Hello people of tumblr,

I recently got out of an 8 year relationship. So instead of bottling all my emotions inside, I have decided to make a blog out of it. :) I may write about a few good and bad memories. or simply write about how I feel...

But right now I don’t feel like writing about the good or the bad about our relationship because all I feel right now is pain. It may sound cliche for me to say that I thought he was different. But I feel like he’s the worst guy in the world. Simply because I gave him my heart and he gave it back to me in pieces. Anyways, I’ve learned that for most human beings, after a breakup it really sucks and hurts because it feels like you lost someone to death. So...I guess I’m still grieving and feeling sorry for myself. But I hope it’s not true what they say....it takes half of the time you spent with someone in the relationship to get over them??? FOUR freakin years!? LOL. I think I’ll be better before then.

For those of you who are just getting over a breakup like me, let’s be strong and get through this together. We can do this! We just gotta fight through the pain...

-Vanessa

[gettingoveraboy]

About a Boy.

For privacy I am going to give this boy a new name. I think I will name him...Ed. Ed and me had been going out for 9 months before he came to my flat yesterday and said he wanted to break up. Things had not been going well for a while. He put it down to the fact that we were too different. I guess in a way I do agree. We’d been fighting and a huge argument a few weeks ago had pushed us to really come to the decision on whether we should push on or give up. We decided to try and make it work, or so I thought. He said I love you first in our own special way, over Snapchat. We met on Tinder. I’m guessing that your’e thinking that well, you should have known, you met on a social media website that is basically built to find the nearest person to fuck. I honestly thought it would work though. We said we loved each other but having now dealt with two shitty x’s one after the other I've given up on the whole concept. While this was all happening I landed my dream job. A job that I’ve wanted since beginning university. A job in the fashion industry. I’ve started small, I am now working as a retail assistant at New Look but I want to work my way up and travel the world coming up with new designs for a clothing brand and watching all the fashion shows. I want to start this blog to remind me that Ed is a bump in the road. A pretty huge bump that has left me feeling like my world has just exploded and imploded at the same time but, still a bump. I want to take whoever reads this on the journey to recovery and remind not only myself but people who have gone through a big break up that it’s not the end of the world. Sometimes you just have to concentrate on you before you let the right person into your life. This is my way of concentrating on me.  

[elle-stevens]

The Break Up Blog - Day One Hundred and Forty Nine

My VPN is acting up again, so I’m blogging using my laptop tonight instead. 

It’s been nice doing lots of typing on my laptop in recent days. My Cat and Robbie story is taking shape in a delightfully romantic way. 

Who knew that Ariana Grande could be such a useful muse? I feel like a large portion of the world population could’ve clued me in on this fact a long time ago, hee hee. 

Today was my last official day at my old job. 

I took some time to walk around the school running track track and roam the hallways first thing in the morning. It felt surreal poking my head in through the doors of the homerooms where I taught so many of my students English, or tried to teach them at least. 

I felt a bit like a ghost in a haunted house since most of the students are officially on holiday now and the classrooms were eerily empty. 

After that, the day whizzed by with me helping C prepare some materials for her Murder/Detective winter vacation class. Lol, she’s really stoked about getting ready for police training when she goes back to the States in a month, so she’s turning her old students into miniature police detectives investigating crime scenes. 

It’s an unusual concept for a children’s class, but I’m sure they’re having a blast learning new life skills from C. Plus, filling mini ziplock bags with powdered sugar and pretending it was cocaine was priceless! 

When it finally came down to leaving, I went around my whole office to greet my colleagues one last time. It felt good to do that, even with my colleagues I barely interacted with for two years. I wanted all of them to know in some way that any help or kindness they gave me has always been greatly appreciated. 

It felt nice showing a bit of my emotions at work and hugging my colleagues and exchanging Wechat contacts with a few of them. I hope they won’t forget me; I hope I won’t forget them either. 

CI walked me out of school too because he didn’t want me to walk outside alone after saying goodbye to everyone, which was very thoughtful of him. And then he even hugged me goodbye outside the bus station near our respective homes, which surprised me in a good way. CI’s even more reserved than me and not big on expressing affection through physical contact. So I wasn’t planning to hug him goodbye today because I wanted to respect his personal boundaries. So it was nice that he broke his usual rules with me. Even though we only worked together for a year, I’m glad I met him. He’s such a great guy and become a good friend over time. I hope that he’ll still reach out whenever he needs help with stuff or just wants to chat. I’ll do my best to look out for him this year, especially with C heading back to the States. I’ll do the same with AS too since PE and his wife will be moving to the States too at the end of his work contract in August. 

I went to the bank afterwards to withdraw some cash and just walked around near my neighbourhood for a bit. I felt pretty sad and lost after leaving my workplace. This is a new chapter in my life and I’m still not quite sure how to feel about it. 

I got home and opened a gift and read a letter that one of my colleagues gave me yesterday. I just broke down and cried a for a while after that. The letter itself was simple enough, but the sentiment just wrung my insides out like a wet sponge. I sent some voice messages to other colleagues I didn’t get a chance to see before I left. 

CH, G and D messaged me throughout the day, which was good too. I avoided messaging my loved ones all day because I was feeling emotional about my last day at work and wasn’t ready to delve into it just yet. But I’m glad they broke down my emotional barriers to check in on me. It’s nice to know that I have so many people in my life who are constantly looking out for me. 

I sent H a voice message too even though we saw each other before we both left the office today. She left earlier than me because she had to go home and pack, she’s going back permanently to Korea. She’ll come back to China briefly next month, so hopefully we can have a meal or coffee together before she departs for good. I finally told her that X and I broke up and she was very sweet and encouraging about it, telling me I deserved better and that I’ll be ok in the end. 

Even if I let H confirm her strange ‘Columbo-esque’ suspicions about my breakup bordering on practicing witchcraft (H legit guessed at all the right reasons why X and I broke up months when she gossipped about it with C without me telling her anything, it was freaky!), I feel ok about it now. I don’t want to hold onto any more bad feelings that happened at work, in either a professional or personal sense. I’m also glad I told H that she did a great job as our manager last year, even if it wasn’t always the case. I don’t want her to go away from our school feeling like she failed at managing all of us. She has a lot of good points and overall, she was still a great colleague to work with the past two years.  

I also told PE and AS more about what went down with X. We ended up at a bar after having a farewell dinner for all the teachers leaving my school last night. I was intoxicated at that point and the three of us were talking about sex and relationships. They were very sympathetic and it meant a lot to get some things off my chest. Maybe by telling more people about what happened with X, I’m slowly freeing myself from the burden of carrying her haunting memory with me everywhere I go. 

She’s invading less of my thoughts these days, especially when I’m feeling horny. That’s been very helpful not having X’s face pop into my head at awkward moments. I still think of her from time to time. It’s mostly negative thoughts about how much she sucks as a person. Other times, they’re sweet memories about little things she did that made me smile or made me happy in general. 

She was my first properly long-term relationship; of course I’m going to carry her with me for a little while longer. 

At least till I meet someone new that I love for a lot longer than X. 

A part of me thinks that I’m ready to fall in love again. 

But then I have moments like last night where I’m wandering around drunk in my city for the umpteenth time in 6 months and I feel like just another lost soul who doesn’t want to let love into my heart again. 

My birthday is coming up next week and I’ve decided to have a simple birthday dinner with my friends on Saturday instead of Wednesday, which is when my real birthday happens. I’m still not ready to acknowledge the day, as shitty as that sounds. 

It is pretty bad considering I’m lucky to be alive. Not in the sense that something bad happened to me and I almost died, but in the sense that it’s a blessing to live out a new day every single day. Instead I’m treating my birthday like it’s something horrible and disgusting, like it wasn’t one of the few things that my parents actually did right together as a couple. 

Ok, that sounded so much weirder out of my head and in written form, but you all know what I mean. 

My point is that I should be happier I get to celebrate another birthday. I’m being an idiot just because I’m turning 35, I’m single and living away from home while celebrating my birthday. 

Hence why I’ll still celebrate my birthday with my friends, but maybe just have a ‘me’ day on my real birthday. And I can still call my family on my birthday and celebrate with them. 

So yeah, I’m taking baby steps on the road to happiness and finding newer and healthier ways to deal with my issues. My therapist is out of commission these days because she has Stage 0 breast cancer and had surgery recently. So she’s recuperating at home and not seeing her patients till February so her medical insurance pays out as promised. That’s ok with me, I’m putting on my ‘big girl pants’ and trying not to need her for anything till I see her in person in February when I go home to see my family. 

So in the meantime, I’ll try not to indulge in self-destructive behaviour from now on. After my birthday, I’m going to stave off drinking for a while too. I need to take better care of my health in light of my gastritis. I just hope I can get better medication to help me with my acid reflux and dry mouth in the future. 

I made spaghetti bolognaise for dinner and slept for a few hours. Now I’m up blogging and chatting to different people through SNS. I have to get up early tomorrow to do a health check for my new Chinese work visa for this year.I hope everything goes well at the hospital since my Mandarin is still pretty shite. I hope I can get enough rest and hopefully take another nap tomorrow when I get back from the hospital. 

What? 

I have a month to myself before I visit my family in South Africa. I’m definitely going to celebrate that fact by catching up on sleep, my ever elusive friend. 

I’m a bit too tired to type up more of my new story now, but I broke my 7-year streak of not writing fanfics at work this week. So in-between cleaning out my work cupboard and cleaning my work desk, I typed up my Cat and Robbie romance, tee hee. 

Alright, time for bed. Sleep and peaceful thoughts are coming to me more easily these days now that I’m moving on gradually from all the bad shit that happened in 2019. 

For now, things are good :-)

[villain-princess]

If we're gonna be honest here, I don't blame you. I know I messed up, and I know I didn't treat you like I should have. I'm not too sad about it all, because it wasn't your fault, but mine. But when it comes down to it, I'm happy. I'm proud to have called you mine for those few months. I'm so happy looking back on all of our adventures, and stupid talks, and laughing like idiots, and being geeks. I was happiest when you shared your geek moments, like when you talked about your model ships with me for hours, or when we first watched Star Wars. Your eyes were so innocent, and I knew I was in love with you during those. I'm just so sorry I never showed it to you. What makes me sad though, is thinking about the future. Not only have I lost my lover, but now I've lost my best friend too. I don't know who I'm going to spend the summer with, and I don't know who I'm gonna have goofy talks with. It makes me sad when I see Jeeps, even more sad when I see yours, knowing that I won't ever be inside of it again. I get sad when I drive by your house. I can't even walk around my house without thinking of you. I miss you with every step, with every sight, and with every single breath. 

I'm just sorry there's nothing I can do now.