#a little all over the place but yknow
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My sick brain decided that the way to make me feel better was to have a dream about a made up musical and that was perfectly fun while it was happening but now Iām awake and all the songs I liked arenāt real and I canāt even remember details about them just that I liked them and yearn to be listening to them right now
#it was a strange musical#the main cast were Anduin and Wrathion from world of warcraft#Dimitri nd Claude from Fire Emblem#and Arlecchino and Furina aka the enemies-to-youactuallycontinuouslysavedfantasyfrancefor500yearsandiminlovewithyounow#(no I donāt take criticism)#Arlecchino and Furina makes sense to me because hereās a secret: Iām never not thinking about them and how incredibly gay they are#Claude also makes sense because again Iām never not thinking about him and yeah Dimitri can come along too I think him and Claude are cute#Dimitri can be Claudeās +1#but where did Anduin and Wrathion come from? I havenāt thought about those little dudes in years#I havenāt thought about them since they WERE little dudes#but now theyāre BIG DUDES#Anduin pulled a whole Chris Redfield!!!#anyway I miss that musical it was pretty good#a little all over the place but yknow
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The Beheaded makes a pitch
#saroart#dead cells#the beheaded#the collector#bad comic#art is all over the place because holy fuck im so tired#this idea has bounced around in my head like a dvd screensaver for a long time#also the views expressed in this comic are not necessarily the views of the author#dont come at me because its good and does amazing dps or whatever i know it has high damage per tick#it can be a little annoying in dailies when you dont get cells#and i do want more boss stuff#beheaded just wants a cool sword#collector would be one of those dont talk to me until ive had my coffee assholes#but yknow its panacea#in fact that was one of the earliest pieces of dc fanart i drew#dont think i ever posted it here and thats fine#god i miss when art was easy tho
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something I really like about p3p compared to p5 is the extra bits of narration. I don't know if it's because the game doesn't have scenes with animated models or if regular p3 is like that, too, since I haven't played it. But like in Junpei's rank 10, when he's talking about going to see his dad, you get an extra text box that says 'Junpei's hands are trembling.' and in Shinji's rank 10 you get a few of them, one saying he toys with the pocket watch and one saying he looks down at his feet for a long time. Idk. They're nice. In p5, they use pretty much only the talking sprites and the character model animations to show emotion but things like trembling hands or staring at their feet are little things that probably wouldn't be animated but that add a lot to a scene I think.
#i got to junpei's rank 10 on my ng+ just now and it reminded me. the scene hits so much harder for me with that added bit of narration.#it says a lot about junpei in that moment yknow. ig it kind of fleshes the characters and their emotions out in a nice way#like in p5 the characters do have little model animations for certain emotions but theyre pretty general#ryuji has the one when he's unhappy where he scuffs his sneaker on the ground. ann has the one where she twirls her hair#but these narrations are for much smaller things. and theyre not reused all over the place so they carry more weight when they are used#idk. these are distinctly different to me than the animations in p5 and i cant concisely explain why.#i think part of it is the animations in p5 are used a lot so they feel much more general ig? and then the fact that the lil narrations#in p3p are for much smaller minute details. it feels more... idk. intimate? more telling of a character's state of mind? something like tha#and there probably ARE examples of this sorta thing in p5 too i just feel like it's very very uncommon in that game
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spotify cover for my little rainbow factory au thats marinating in my brain
#akira art#mlp#my little pony#creepypasta#mlp grimdark#rainbow factory#rainbow factory dash#scootaloo#rainbow factory au#hrhgugheghg i have it all written out#not all of it but. main plot points i mean#my version is like a murder mystery story#it takes place about 15/20 years into the future during twilight's reign over equestria#twilight's reign is considered a peaceful reign so she's left with yknow princess-ly duties and the rest of the mane 6 carry out their#career lives . usual stuff .. only rainbow dash is the main lead in the rainbow section of the weather factory instead of wonderbolt s#long story short scootaloo's friend goes missing and presumed dead but she believes they're still alive#and goes on a hunt to find out what really happened to them and where they are#(( with the help of apple bloom and sweetie belle yay!!!!!! ))#i wanna turn it into a comic sometime soon it would be sooo cool#lots of conflicting emotions in all of the characters you can imagine#twilights still grasping the existence of the rainbow factory and how celestia could let this happen during her and luna's reign and there#- just HAS to be a better way to harvest spectra#and then scootaloo believing her friend is still alive and having no idea about the existence of the factory ( nor does anybody else forsur#anyways. enjoy my rambling
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mann... there is nothing i hate more than cancelling plans minutes before they happen. like i know life happens, i know, trust me. and i get it, i really do. ('regular' cancelling is different than emergency cancelling.) like if you know when you wake up in the morning that you're not feeling it or up to it or whatever--just tell me okay? cause waiting until right before makes me feel like shit because i spent all this energy gearing up for it, but then i also feel bad for making it about me when you weren't able to be up for it.
#this isnt @ any of you btw#its just. i hadnt been doing well lately. so i was like char you gotta reach out. talk to a human. cmon.#so i did. and every single person i reached out to couldn't do it that day. so i had to swallow my 'nvm' and go. ok. a different day?#and that day was today. and ive been doing my best to hold things together. while also feeling a little better. & essentially for what yknow#my socialization levels have been all over the place due to my illness. combine that with my adhd & introvertedness. its just a toss-up#but i really needed this. :/#c.text#c.illness
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not to be a milennial butĀ harry potter and the prisoner of azkaban really is that bitch....
#mom wanted to rewatch the movies so we've been going thru them <3#talk about a movie thats just like. grief. i turn into the jamie lee curtis halloween trauma supercut#SORRY..... the visuals are peak like that IS the hp vibe to ME and i am BLOWN AWAY this movie was made in 2004 it feels ahead of its time#the first two are so whimsical and magical enrapturing and this movie is like. a well worn cardigan. this feels 2011 cozycore to me#sorry but the introduction of lupin becoming a comforting trusted guardian type of figure AND the dementors representing hollow depression#this 13 yr old whos been kept in the dark on so many things being extra vulnerable prey to them bc of the severe trauma#but getting lessons on how to withstand that creeping dread.. through happy memories... still bonding w lupin increasngly ouagh...#the grief between them both over james and lily. also btw ofc defense against the dark arts being fighting yr fears through laughter. aaaaaa#and then sirius. black. im. i know we meme on the twelve years of it! in azkaban! but as a bitch whos now closer to those characters in age#and can appreciate and understand them obv more than i could when i was. a tween. that just hits like ok shit. VALID#so valid and real to see the child of your friends you knew at that age but who DIED and then see the friend who betrayed them#to see like the best of BOTH of them mirrored and living on in him and be like yknow what???? you WILL be protected frm that same fate#hoooo the briefest moment where harry might hope things will turn out okay. w sirius' name being cleared and peter having to explain himself#and sirius being like hey i get it if you want to stay w your family that is fine but. if you wanna move in w me...#(harry relaying this to hermione later as well. dreaming of a place fr just the two of them somewhere in the countryside#somewhere..... sirius might see the sky..... bc he thinks he would like that after all those years locked up do not even touch me rn.......)#only fr everything to turn to shit two friends fighting w deadly force. the chance to set this right slipping off into the night.#a million dementors descending relentlessly until utter exhaustion and certain death. some strange salvation? fight for a second chance?#but then still havign to say goodbye when they only just GOT this. and everything still being so. god. and lupin having to leave as well.#the thought of sirius also WANTING that guardian type connection but being forced to live in 1. a cave barely living more freely than before#2. then being confined to the stuffy somber abusive home he ran away from as a teen w that portrait still up there and everything.. bitch...#oh man the way i KNOW when we get to ootp (my favourite) its gonna leave me blasted into a million little pieces#the way i know shit like the knowing wink the entirety of the wall tapestry room scene and of course nice one james is gonna DESTROY me..#dont even talk to me abt that dark turn at the end of gof and how everything after gets soooo. god. w everything just getting destroyed and.#i cant even think abt it i cant even talk about it. wah#i dont care btw that they aged those guys up undermining how insanely young these people died. perfect casting fr the remaining marauders ok
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Im sorry but can you do 45 angst for parrlyn? U don't have to tho!
45- "leave" (very quick doodle for you!)
#hi anon akshdjdhd thank you for asking so politely i guess#here's this .. 'm not sure what exactly but it's exam project season rn#and like!!! screwed up stress responses all over the place!!#anyways.#six the musical#six the musical fanart#anne boleyn#catherine parr#parrlyn#... the angst of being in an awkward situation#quick run down: been reading fic (not helping my revision any but nevertheless) and looking back at old characterisations of cathy#and like one thing was the coffee/ lack of sleep/ stress response thing that seems like part of widely accepted hc#and. well. um my stress response is avoidance! including of people#so yeahhhh maybe pushing people away is bad but also people can be so overwhelming even in the same room yknow#aka why i haven't been studying with friends (sad haha) and like maybe i'm projecting a little bit . shh#also also anne! bestie! me too! logically it's the 'ily but i really Cannot rn' and yeah it checks out but#on the other side of it the rsd / anxiety hits hard it's like oh i'm a terrible person#then you spend the next hour coaxing yourself out of that piece of sh- mindset#so. that's the idea of angst but also apparently most people don't know the insides of my head so what's angst for me#which is usually strongest with Implications instead of proper whump or whatnot#isn't probably angst for the. general populace ..#maybe it's the anxiety? *fingerguns*#alright! gn!#<side story: there was once this guy who kept trying to get me to go out with him to study (?still actually but now he's resigned to reject#-āion) and i couldn't say to his face ' i would want you to stop breathing tbh because your physical presence in the same room would set me#absolutely off and into a nervous breakdown' and that's how i ended up saying 'people are distracting' and implied i was interested in him>#<lowkey. very yikes>
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stole this chart from @asubakaa and spent wayyy too much time making my own so. yeah. also i did 6 instead of 5 bc i know no restraint
#aughh i just spent ages typing out an honorable mention list and then i was like i don't like this actually so i deleted it#whatever you're not getting an explanation. unless you ask then i mean sure i don't mind#i find it funny that the straight ship canonicity ratio is lower than the lesbian one. there's just smth about het stuff when it's not cano#each tier had its own challenges with brainstorming which was fun#i don't have a lotta straight ships i think about in a frothing seething howlilng way. fakiru and tamaharu are really the biggest ones atm#gay ships are the most common for me bc i consume a lotta guy-dominated media and things get homoerotic pretty fast#but that also meant there was a lot to sift through and i always felt like i was forgetting something#like i almost forgot killugon. KILLUGON. the same killugon that i was painfully obsessed with for multiple years yes that one#formative to my life in middle school and everything. my little gay guys forever. theyre very sweet how could i forget them#and with sapphic stuff it was various issues in depiction. like 'no one ships these two from this obscureish movie but me' and 'they're boo#characters so how do i depict this visually' and 'no one knows these two the fandom's bone dry :('#there's a lotta ships i like but it was sometimes hard to find ones i LOVEd enough to put alongside the others yknow. a problem with all 3#categories. anyway a fun thing for my brain to do hooray#the most violently snubbed honorable mentions are probably griffith and guts bergerk. i wouldn't say i ship them exactly but they were in#love and should not be together in the present. as far as i've read. complicated but they're in my brain real good real deep in there#and hua cheng and xie lian tgcf. probably shoulda been there over the lawyers now that i'm thinking about it just in terms of sheer brainro#bc they took over my life about as hard as the other mxtx guys did. but yeah anyway#also i realized after this that i forgot horikashi.. which would probably take seowaka's place </3
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made and destroyed a friendship at work today
#significant time passes between each row of panels btw. this took place over 40 minutes#his dad was getting more and more upset that he was dragging me around instead#sorry bud im his dad now#not pictured: me trying to put the shapes on my head and him truly believing i didn't understand his instructions#and so patiently explaining again that i need to *hand* them to him#''so.... not on my head? just in your hands?''#''YES'' [holds out lil baby hands]#''ohh okay i get it now'' [puts it on my head]#''NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!''#this was a chill afternoon activity#after all of the fire related nonsense in the morning#my candle on a stick kept going out on the way to the hydrogen so i ended up standing waaaaaaay too close#when it detonated lol#THEN when i went to light the first rocket i discover somebody bought small matches!#short matches! like an inch long i swear. teeny tiny matches#and i had already fumbled several things i didn't have time to go get other matches mid show so i was lik#''everyone think fire resistant thoughts for me real quick!!'' and just ran my hands over the gas flame bc yknow#[aragorn voice] for the bit#AND THEN MY FIRE PISTON WOULDN'T IGNITE#i was making the little kid's face from this comic at that point i swear#coworker snuck in to watch the show and watched my soul leave my body instead#blease. a smidge of energy. god knows i put enough into these damn shows lol
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pov: your baby brother is a Weird Little Guyā¢ļø
#YES I KNOW IM NOT USING POV CORRECTLY HUSH AKSJAKDJJE#i got his permission to post this with the caveat that I explain that it went a little differently#i just didnāt want to draw it cause perspective is not my strong suit (obviously)#anyway. i was rounding the corner calling out for him#couldnāt find him anywhere#and all of a sudden this idiot (affectionate) jumps out of a doorway brandishing like. 5 steak knives#so like any reasonable individual I shrieked and tried to bat him away. forgetting that he had knives. and they were facing upwards#anyway I almost slashed my hands with my own stupidity#and then afterwards this bisexual disaster turns to me and goes. āyeah I knew u weāre gonna try to attack meā#āso I turned the knives down as soon as u came close. u have zero self-preservation instinctā#and yknow what. heās right. unfortunately.#i Drew this rly quickly ā sorry it kinda is all over the place lmao#not good omens#shitpost#my art
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book 5 of the year done!!!! im literally one book away from halfway to my goal and the first month of the year isn't even over yet fjsksk i am DEFINITELY going to hit it this year!
#SUUUUPER bummed to say tho that ive made it to the first book of the year i havent enjoyed :/#the worst part is ā its the first in a series apparently and like. i WANT to know what happens next#but also i dont CARE enough to want to keep reading the rest of the series yknow?#like. this first book was just SOOOO disjointed#it was ALL exposition#it spent 500 pages giving individual backstories for each of the characters. as in each character l i t e r a l l y told their story#which first of all absolutely BORING way to get to know your characters and second of all NONE od these characters were even likeable!!!#and the worldbuilding was just. weird. it kind of didnt make sense and felt all over the place#and FULLY felt like he was just throwing random sci-fi-y words around to make it sound cooler but like. it wasnt.#and like all these characters are together on this pilgrimage right#but it is NEVER really revealed why/what they plan to do when they get to their end destination/anything like that#and im between each of these character backstories it feels like the same stuff one person is like oh wow what a story lets get some sleep#and then they do and they wake up and they do the tiniest bit of traveling#(which is like. described in the most lackluster barebones way) and then they eat and share another story and rinse and repeat#it was SO boring#it honestly reminded me of the movie the eternals LMAO#all these characters and you get to know a little about them but not enoguh to become invested and none of them are all that interesting#and the purpose of their journey/the purpose of THEM is completely unknown is completely devoid#like it felt like there was no plot#it was. ough not good.#so yeah would NOT recommend hyperion by dan simmons :/#mack reads
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crazy how going to the skatepark in my commie bloc just to sit there for like 30 minutes doing fuck all and then leave immediately fixes my brain
#only 5pm and everything is dark and snowy. I'm having the time of my life#I've never seen a single person here other than me even tho ppl definitely come here#left empty for me specifically#i mean it's -1Ā°c im sure noone else feels up to sitting outside in pajamas and a jumper like I'm doing rn but yknow#ofc it's not specifically abt this place it's abt romanticising every aspect of my life. but i#really like places that feel straight out of a pinterest board#like I'll never make one but im living all of them#i love being outside i love snow i love cold i love it when it gets dark early i love that we have 0 streetlights. slay#also. plugging my headphones in putting my hood up and getting on my kick scooter is so. im going to die#like i have the cracks in the street memorised but it's always scary jdmridjeifjjs#almost ate shit today coz everything is covered in black ice LMFAO#i need exam season to be over so i can go on stupid little quests again my daily walk and occasional#trips to the shops are nottttt enough for me. i need to go to the middle of nowhere and break into an abandoned building#barking#scootin
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ILY FP 210, 211, 212
WOOOOOOOF Iāve been holding off on writing this post, because I wanted to wait for this wholeĀ āepisodeā to fully come out. Quimchee revealed they were all meant to happen in one episode, but SO MUCH was happening in the episode that it was too long to do as the one. I... kind of wish I hadnāt waited because now there is SO MUCH for me to cover, so Iām going to do my best to keep this organized and coherent.
No lie, these go up there in my top episodes, especially 212. I have a feeling I might have some different feelings than others on this one...? Weāll see, Iām keen to hear how all of you are thinking and feeling about it. To me, these episodes really encapsulate a good 80% of the plot that weāve been dealing with, and thereās some good reveals in here that have been a LONG time coming. I think everything is set up now for the time skip to come, and especially after all the events that transpired this arc (remember how this all started out so many moons ago with Nol going to the company Christmas party? That feels like it was years ago to what is happening now!) I am BEYOND excited to see what the time skips have in store for us!Ā
Anyway, before I start spoiling things, letās get into it!
Well and truly, I love this arc! Itās really capture so much of the story this bigger story has centered on - the relationship between Nol and Kousuke. This isnāt the root of the story, of course, but itās a significant portion of what weāve come to read for, I think, and I cannot tell you how much I love seeing the characters verbally acknowledge things theyāve swept under a rug.Ā
212 felt especially raw to me - Kousukeās confessions are tragic in the way of too little too late, and the realization that Nol was never against him, that he was always on the same side, that they could have been an incredible team may come to haunt him. That acknowledgement of his that nobody really liked him - no one else but the one person he had demeaned and devalued until he was truly nobody - really hit me like a sucker punch. I truly thought these were truths Kousuke wouldnāt be able to reach until he lost more, like his job or his sense of self, but I guess we can argue that heās lost a lot of his sense of self; from the moment he punched Nol, itās clear that heās dissociating. That also serves to tell us how important this moment is for Kousuke, what it means to him, what Nol means to him.
Now, Iāll be upright honest with you guys, because I think this is where the difference of opinions will come in. I really enjoy stories with this kind of element of hatred and care so intricately interlaced in family or friends. Thereās something about this sense of care being overwritten by jealousy so scathing it mutates into resentment and hatred and loathing. The way these two feelings battle out, the way ugly emotions are so strong they come to eclipse any hope for warmth. Idk itās intriguing to me, it creates a compelling story.Ā
And in Kousukeās case, it is! A running theory has been that Kousuke treats Shinae the way he does because he is, subconsciously, treating her how he wishes heād treated Nol. As the story went on and Kousukeās ugliness started to come out more and more and his paranoia began to consume him, I think it was probably difficult for many to find credence in this theory - that there was no way Kousuke could have cared about Nol and transferred it to Shinae when he treated Nol how he did but Iām still here for the theory. Itās just that Kousukeās ugliness was so strong, overwhelming, it eclipsed anything else.Ā
Now Iām not saying I think Kousuke loves Nol or thinks of him as a brother, but rather I think deep down, he understood they were connected. As a child, Nol was the only person who didnāt treat Kousuke like an object - like a puppet or rich vending machine or influence to be gained. But how could Kousuke allow himself to think so favorably of Nol when he was so deeply rooted in jealousy?Ā
This is what I find especially intriguing about their dynamic. Something I talk about a lot is that Nol and Kousuke are both the products of abuse - Kousuke is the way he is due to neglect and manipulation, and in turn he took that out on Nol. Iāve seen people say Kousuke doesnāt make sense to them, but he DOES and this episode really drove that home and confirmed a lot of things Iād felt.Ā
Kousukeās treatment of Nol all stems from Rand and his affair. Letās look at it from Kousukeās perspective. He has a father who is never around, and when he is heās busy and always puts his career first. He rarely joins them for family time, thereās a rift between him and his wife. All young Kousuke wants is for his father to spend time with him, to be around, to notice him. His mother tells him things - if heās a good boy Father will pay attention; if he wants his fatherās attention he needs to be just like him; if he wants Father to care to notice he must be exactly like him. But his mother also says other thing - that thereās someone else, money is being wired to someone. At school people murmur similar things.Ā
All he wants is his fatherās approval, his fatherās pride, his fatherās attention, his fatherās time. He must not be good enough, yet. He must not matter, yet. Heāll make sure he does, though. Heāll do exactly what his mother says, heāll buckle down just like she tells him, heāll make sure to become the perfect son that his father can be proud of.Ā
So you can understand, then, why the discovery that the murmurs are true, that thereās another family, would shatter him the way it did, why it remains a point of breaking for him even as an adult, why he never really reconciles his fatherās affair. How is it that the man who has no time for him or their family, had enough time to create a secondĀ family? Why was he so undeserving of his time? Why was he so undeserving of his attention?Ā
And it rooted deep inside him, right in the core of his foundation. This other boy who describes his father as someone who couldnāt possibly be the same man as his father - a funny man, a kind man. That is not the father Kousuke knows, so why does this other child know him? (Never mind that this child has also never met that version of his father.) It all stems from that: a craving for something heās never received.Ā
Kousukeās whole speech about how there was only one kind, sweet, generous, funny person in his life was the very person he attacked and tore down hit me HARD. His admission of fear, that he ACTUALLY ADMITTED TO BEING SCARED, that heāll never be good enough for Rand, that nothing he would ever do would make him worthy of his attention actually hurt. This is the kind of thing Iāve been wanting Kousuke to acknowledge and embrace, because itās the one thing that has been fueling and propelling him. He doesnāt do this job because heās passionate about it - he does it because heās still vying for love and attention. He didnāt forsake his childhood because he was above it - he literally sacrificed it for his father. Regardless of what you think about Kousuke now, it has to be acknowledged that he, too, has suffered. And letās not pretend that Yui truly believed that Kousuke could win Randās affection this way - it still feels like it was a game for her, a manipulation to turn him into someone she could use to get her way, a puppet if you will. Itās fucking sad to think that he gave up everything because he was so determined to earnĀ his fatherās love, that his love and attention was believed to be so conditional he had to make himself worthy of it.Ā
āI hate you for making me aware this person exists. And I hate your face being a constant reminder of it.āĀ
So many times, Kousuke has berated Nol for his playful, joking behavior, for seeming so lax and carefree. Iād always thought it was jealousy that he didnāt have that kind of life, that he wasnāt allowed it - and that probably is still a part of it - but now we know that when Yeonggi laughed and played around, he was a vision of a version of Rand Kousuke had never known, a spitting image of a man Kousuke didnāt even know could exist.Ā
And as Nol points out, it was all for naught. All of Kousukeās jealousy and his fear, tearing down Nol so that heĀ could instead get to know that version of Rand. All of it was for naught, because who knows if that man even exists? It seems like only one person ever knew her, and whoās to know if sheĀ didnāt make him up. Kousuke has spent his entire life - sacrificed his childhood, accelerated himself through school, forsook any fun or leisure - on a quest for a man who probably doesnāt exist, for something heāll never achieve. He spent his whole life tearing down someone innocent trying to get to something heāll never have.Ā
I really thought it would take for Kousuke to lose it all, to stumble in his career before heād realize it, but here he is.Ā
But on the other side of that, we have Nol. Nol, who also lost - and lost more than Kousuke did. Nol who was isolated and alienated, Nol who tried time and time again to reach out and create a connection, and was refused every time. Nol who suffered under Kousuke and Yuiās watch over and over. Nol, who despite it all, still tried to treat Kousuke well, still tried to give him a chance, still tried to reach out to him at his most desperate.Ā
I think that really illustrates something important: an understanding that there is a reason for Kousukeās behavior and his paranoia, where it comes from, but that reason doesnāt justify. I can acknowledge both that Kousuke absolutely is the product of his environment and that he has been an asshole about it lol. Idk I can admit that my intrigue in his has grown a LOT.Ā
These episodes have just tapped into something so deep that I love about this series - that our experiences heavily color our interpersonal relationships, as well as our relationships with our own selves. Nol notes that he, too, suffered, he, too, lost, he has been alone and alienated and despite it all he still tried, and he still attempted to be a good person, in contrast to Kousuke who let his suffering turn him into an asshole. It was kind of a hard-to-read moment, because Nol spoke the truth, and as much as I feel for Kousuke, Nol is right. Because he never attempted to deal with those ugly feelings, because he never chose to face them, because he instead wore them as armor, it became his identity, he became an asshole through those experiences. Had there ever been a moment that he could have met Nol in the middle, that he could have put aside his jealousy, that he could have turned off his Rand blinders, he could have seen what Nol was able to see earlier and more clearly. And isnāt that sad? They could have been a great team, they could have had each othersā back in a world where no one else did, they could have been there for each other, but Kousuke couldnāt cross that line.Ā
Again, I fully acknowledge that Kousuke is the way he is because of those experiences. I acknowledge that this is the wake up call he needed, that he was forced to finally reckon with the truth.Ā
But I also worry what will come of Kousuke as a result of Randās arrival. Is he going to backpedal? Is this going to short-circuit something and push him to double down, or is it going to free him?Ā
Kousuke has spent his entire life trying to earn Randās favor, to earn his attention. Everything he has done has been an angle to get closer to his father. Like, when you break it all down, thatās the sad, basic truth. He was a child who so desperately wanted his fatherās attention that his life became about that. And here comes Rand, showing up when it looks like Kousuke is running away. Rand who never had time for him, Rand who didnāt shower him with warmth and affection.Ā
Rand who showed up and wailedĀ āMy sonā in response to Nol.Ā
That whole scene honestly hurts me. Nol is hurt, Rand is anguished and horrified, and Kousuke? Kousuke finally witnessing his father show a fatherly side - and it wasnāt for him. And not only that but Rand might not even believe that Kousuke was trying to get help, that he attempted to get Nol up but couldnāt. And does it even matter when the truth is that Kousuke DID cause this? I canāt imagine it was his intention - I donāt think his mind wentĀ āpunch Nol and heāll fall over the railingā as much as Nol tried to leave and Kousuke reacted on that. But the point still stands: even if it wasnāt his intention, this is still ultimately his fault. Nol goaded him on and played a part, but Kousuke was the hand that acted.Ā
I fear that this will ruin what little relationship Kousuke has with Rand - and itās a fear because it means Kousuke could swing in two wholly opposite directions. Does he double-down and return to the side of his mother, the only family member who has made him feel like someoneās child? I donāt think heās at the point where he can extricate himself from the family, as good as it would be. And I worry that if thatās the case, will he double back down on his treatment and resentment of Nol? For this one moment, he saw that they were equals, that they both had a broken, shitty relationship with Rand. And then Rand showed up, showing that paternal side Kousuke has longed for.Ā
As much as I WANT Kousuke to hold on to that moment, I donāt know that he can. I think the cracks have formed and I think his fragile reality is crumbling faster, but I fear heāll retreat back into theĀ ācomfortā of the world he knows.Ā
Hereās the thing about Kousuke: on some level he knows. He knows that Yui isnāt great, he knows that she has done awful things, he knows that Nol did no wrong, he knows that Rand will probably never change. But these are such uncomfortable truths and he has spent his life propped up by a false reality. This was pointed out by AugmentedElle on reddit, but look at the difference in Kousukeās flashbacks. Look at the memory in 210 vs 212. The flashback in 210 is the strongest, most vibrant memory weāve yet seen. Ordinarily theyāre in some kind of grey scale, or at least muted colors, sometimes with spot color like in Shinaeās. In Nol and Kousukeās flashbacks thus far, weāve seen those muted colors or alterations - Nessaās face appearing scribbled out in Kousukeās memories, just as in 212. The use of color suggests that the memory in 210 is, quite possibly, fabricated. It starts out with Kousuke dazed, unable to remember what just happened, and Yui comes in and tells him he wonāt have to see that boy for a long time. It feels like something happened - that perhaps Kousuke did something (the huffing that parallels his huffing after he punches Nol in the current story) and blocked it out or whited out and Yui came in and gave him an iteration of the story. Itās the strongest memory because it didnāt come from him - because it was filled in and colored in by someone else. The whole time weāve thought Nol had perhaps been pushed to the bring, that Kousuke instigated a fight and Nol snapped, but maybe it was never Nol. Maybe the whole time Kousuke has associated Nol with danger and violence - because he was wired to think that way. That whatever happened and lead to that moment was so traumatic he doesnāt have the real memory, and instead carries a fabrication.Ā
And that is essentially the basis of Kousukeās entire life. Regardless of intent, Yui does manipulate Kousuke. She says things knowing full-well the effect theyāll have. Consider that moment with Nol and Nessa vs Yui in Kousukeās flashback in 212. He watches Nessa blow raspberries on Nolās cheek, a warm and silly exchange full of so much love and care - and then he looks up at Yui, who wears her maternal mask, shadows falling eerie over her face. Doesnāt it feel so much like she set this up? Doesnāt it feel like she knew Nessa and Nol would be around? She fills his head with things likeĀ āthe only way to get your fatherās attention is to be just like himā andĀ āweāre not like other families weāre so specialā andĀ āisnāt it just so wonderful that rand at least has enough time to eat with usā? Thatās not vouching for Rand - thatās passive aggression towards Rand and creating an idea of who Rand is - that Rand unwittingly lives up to. Despite speaking of the affair in front Kousuke, she turns and tells him thatĀ āYour father values us too much, he would never do such a thingā - a blatant lie that only plays into that feeling Kousuke wears that heās been cheated, that there exists a version of his father that has been denied to him. Nessa tells Nol that Rand was a kind, sweet, generous, funny man. Yui tells Kousuke that Rand is anything but funny and he has no time for jokes. Maybe both are true, but Nolās unintentionally makes a point about how Yui speaks of Kousukeās father, vs how Yui spoke of Nolās father. Why would a parent speak ill of the other parent -- if not to make the child see them that way.Ā
(She also tells him thereās nothing she hates more than people who donāt take things seriously, and well, look at how Kousuke came out.)Ā
Thereās a fragile cognitive dissonance between what Kousuke knows to be true - that is, the reality that has been shaped by his experiences and Yuiās manipulation - vs actual reality, and weāve seen this a number of times when various events threaten that tentative balance. Kousuke at the club, angry and paranoid, is aware of what people really think of him. Deep down he knows people donāt see him as great, as an honorable gentleman. Deep down he knows heās a selfish, judgmental asshole, but it doesnāt fit the fabricated reality he believes in, so it only comes out in his paranoia. He knows that Nol is like him, that he didnāt have the love Kousuke coveted, that he tried to get by quietly, but Kousukeās fear and paranoia still thought of him as the boy who had earned the love that Kousuke couldnāt, and that made him a threat. He knows what kind of person Yui is and has tried to draw boundaries, but heās still told her things about Nol that she could act on, because he knows what she is capable of. When people or events fracture that reality, he struggles and lashes out, because he needs that reality to keep it together, but itās crumbling fast.Ā
Between the phone call with Rand and the moment that Rand shows up on the scene - what is the state of Kousukeās reality? Is it crumbling? Is he trying to stuff the crumbling rocks back into the foundation? Will he retreat to his mother, the only one who can keep the tint of his rose colored glasses or will he be forced to face reality for what it really is? I wish it would be the latter, but I just donāt know if heās ready for it yet. I donāt know if he can face that which heās run from this whole time just yet.Ā
As for Nol, woooooooof. What a fucking NIGHT. To think - THIS IS HIS GODDAMN BIRTHDAY. On the one hand, I think, maybe this can give him some kind of peace. Heās finally gotten a piece of Kousukeās mind, he finally knows how Kousuke sees him, what he thinks of him, and what motivated him all these years. Maybe with this knowledge, Nol will be able to walk away in peace. He doesnāt have to wonder anymore. He knows where he stands - and where heās always stood - and I think heās made it clear that heās drawn his line. He is done, he is finished, with all of them. If Kousuke can find his way to the other side of the line, then good for him, but Nol has no intention of trying to bring him over anymore.Ā
I do think thereās a lot of room for them to reconcile in the future - when Nolās raw anger has maybe ebbed, when Kousuke has found himself and learned to stand on his own ground, rather than prop himself up by his fabricated reality. But they are far from there. Iāve said before that I had a feeling maybe weāll see the three main characters reunite in the time skip as adults after having gone separate ways, and that feeling still lingers. Nol has made it clear that he still wants to get away - and frankly I think he needs to. I wish heād say so much to his friends, I wish heād tell them where they stand. I feel so bad for Shinae, who went through so much grief and angst and really put herself out there to bring him back, to get her closure - and then when she had it and was ready to let him go, he insisted on staying. For him to turn around and leave like that again, after everything she told him, after the ways she opened up to herself, god that must hurt a lot. I guess on the one hand, she got the closure she wanted but.... it wasnāt even that long ago that Nol was making jabs at Kousuke for abandoning his friends, and there he goes doing it a SECOND time.Ā
Thereās a piece Iād love to give more time and thought to - that maybe all along, on a deep, subconscious level, Kousuke feared Nol leaving and thatās why heās always acted when Nol was on the leave. If Nol leaves heāll be truly alone. If Nol goes, there is truly no one left who ever liked him, who ever saw any value in him. This post is already long enough, so Iāll try to spit that out later this week, if I can. I think itās not a coincidence that Kousuke punched Nol as he was leaving, that he didnāt bring himself to do it when Nol promised heād leave, just as he let Yui know Nol was planning to leave. Maybe he doesnāt recognize it yet, but I think Kousuke is terrified of being left alone and Nol escaping without him.Ā
Like I said, more on that later, but itās an important point that I think ties in really well with this relationship Kousuke has towards Nol. Itās complicated, fucked up, toxic, and messy, and it needs a LOT of untangling by professional help. But I do think these last episodes really set something up for Nol and Kousukeās future - as much as there is so much resentment and anger between them, thereās a mutual sense of longing, of needing each other to fill a void: for Nol, he sought out a brother in Kousuke, a companion against the adults in their lives; for Kousuke, that knowledge that Nol, too, had suffered that neglect, and was the only person who had ever truly liked him. I think one day when that anger has died, when theyāve made peace and hopefully worked on themselves, when Kousuke has freed himself, I think thereās a chance they will be able to reconcile. Like I said, maybe theyāll never be family to each other; thereās so much damage there, itās really possible that can never be undone. But I think at some point, at least, they will see themselves on the same side, rather than each other.Ā
#I Love Yoo#ILY FP#ILY Spoilers#ILY Brainrot#Nol#Nolan Oliver T. Lochlainn#Kousuke Hirahara#Rand#Yui Hirahara#one day I'll replace my Rand tag with his full name but I can never remember it#lol as you can see this is v v heavy on the brothers and their relationship with each other#i want to maybe do a post later where i point out little individual bits i've enjoyed in these episodes or little details that stuck out to#I REALLY want to write more about their dynamic as brothers but woooof we'll see if i wind up finding the time to write everything i want ;A#i just feel SO STRONGLY about this current arc it's EVERYTHING i've been waiting for and i just have so many thoughts that are all over the#place and it's sooooo had to wrangle them into one place!!!!!!!!!#(I think this is why I like when people send asks - it helps me concentrate on one point lol)#Basically I just have a lot of thoughts and feelings about the content quimchee is feeding us the insight into Kousuke i have been DESPERATE#for this part of Rand the continued hints to Yui and Kousuke's relationship#and yknow even if you don't like a character (at least for me personally) i can often still find empathy#and man i feel for Kousuke in this one#all these truths he's finally releasing all these fears he's facing and one that literally materializes in front of him????#holy shit that's gotta hurt ouchies for EVERYONE#CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS IS ALL ON NOL'S BIRTHDAY?!#CAN YOU BELIEVE HIS LAST NIGHT BEFORE PRISON HIS FUCKING BIRTHDAY IS GOING DOWN LIKE THIS?!#jesus CHRIST#ILY Commentary
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i think the weird thing about transness, at least for me, is that i was a girl and i always kinda will be in a philosophical sense. I'll always relate to girls and girlhood and women but from such a nostalgic or circumstantial place, not because i actually identify as one. i still kinda think of myself as a "girl" a lot of the time however much of a "trans man" i am. i'm also like insanely fem but not in a womanly way, very much in a faggot kind of a way that is *strangely* not widely accepted or appreciated by cis gays OR trans men. I either see pre transitioned dudes intentionally looking like "a woman" or post T mascs that occasionally sport makeup or smthn. it's very rare to see post T guys that look like me (not super twinkish, soft, or clockably womanly looking anymore) that are still high fem. And i think this comes down to the patriarchy in gay male culture. fem/bottom/fag discrimination is still like A Thing and it causes this weird segregation of Fem Not!Men and then Gay *Men* that leaves absolutely no place for trans people that look out of place within those gender roled boxes.
cis gays operate in a world deeply entrenched by gender binaries still. it can be so strange to feel out of place as a gay fairy faghot in gay male spaces as a gay trans male specifically because i don't look feminine enough *in the right way* as a gay man due to the way my body changed with my transition.
#idk if any of this makes sense but i am not saying fem transmascs don't exists#it's about when your body is so masculinized due to T that you don't look feminine enough to be clocked as a fag anymore#esp bc i'm still pre op and wear dresses and skirts i almost ALWAYS look like a hairy assed woman#and it's CRAZY because it's cis gays that did this#their fem/fag/fairies are all hairless little twinks! at least that's all i see held up as The Gay Fem yknow?#leaving no place for the weird hairy beat faced tit having trannies in the audience because they look to masc to be a fag#so they must be a bad looking doll or a dyke#it's just strange#ESPECIALLY when the issue is femininity and i probably think of myself more as a gurl then the CDs and queens ever do yknow?#and it's all nonsense anyways and this is all based on my own gender biases and self perception#and there's ppl outside what i have described all over the place but i'm talking about public discourse and social media shit i guess#im just yapping#transgender#transmasc
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"Slow burn but they're having sex the whole time" is pretty much your brand at this point
so true šš«¶š¼ that tweet got a lil too personal but i know what i am š¤§
#fwb to lovers#those are my roots yknow š#thereās just something that continues to drive me so insane over it??#like the aspect of knowing this person over a few years and like - actively pushing away certain feelings#because of some reason or another#like itās just not the right time youāre not with the right person or even in the right place#but then life opens up and suddenly this person whoās just been an adjacent presence in your life#becomes Somebody To You#and you gotta wonder why didnāt see it before when it feels so obvious now???#and then youāre hit by a truck full of feelings and uh feelings š³#and you donāt quite know what to do but maybe youāre a little dumb so you say to this person#āhey weāre already friends so - wanna take the long scenic route to commitment lmaoā#anywaaaay what do i know about all that#neon glory#wasabi rambles#albino pony#ilu Ash š«¶š¼
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OpenAI and Tumblr arenāt like, besties. Tumblr has always had issues with bots and spam so I donāt think they were exactly stumbling out the door to make a contract with the company thatās been the spearhead of modern day spam.
Tumblr and openAI negotiated the contract, so think for a second about what each company gets out of the deal. You can easily argue that OpenAI wouldnāt want an opt-out option, so you could also argue tumblr was the party behind the option existing. This is all speculation, but itās just as valid to say āThe opt-out option was a non-negotiable for tumblr, but OpenAI pressured them into making it opt-out instead of opt-inā as it is to say āTumblr only included the opt-out option to appease the user baseā. People are only making the latter point (and Iād argue are primed to accept it) because all the fear-mongering has made everyoneās knee jerk reaction to AI fear and rage. Oooooo neural nets and weighted graphs Ooooooooooo theyāre gonna kill art for real this time for real oooooo all the other panics about automation were wrong but THIS one is real I promise oooooooooooo we need to āKill AIā just like we had to ākill automationā because technology has gotten too advanced. we need to make computers worse and then everything will get better ooooooooooo
#.txt#sorry Iām kind of just a little mad#thereās ethical questions raised by AI about the place technology has in our lives#but no one is really addressing those issues theyāre sidestepping all of them to crucifyā¦.. math#AI is one of a billion tools in the machine of capitalism that is meant to grind up and spit out humans for their labor#but yeah AI is the breaking point and definitely worth leaving the site and deleting all your content over#no one can really explain whatās so uniquely evil about ai#they just gesture at the idea of intellectual property theft#and then the rest of their arguments are trying to prove that what AI does is actually intellectual property theft#so at this point we loveeeeee intellectual property law and DMCA should be 10000X more restrictive#yknowā¦. to protect freelance artists
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