#a gratitude letter

[dreaming-about-the-dead]

This Saturday was the last presentation of Rise and Fall of the City of Mahagonny, the play my classroom chose to end our last semester of teather college. And damn I have so many things to say about this incredibly hard journey.

When we first decided which play we were going to make, I was beyond elated to be part of Mahagonny. My enthusiasm only grew when I discovered I would be playing the part of Widow Begbick, the same role Patti LuPone played when she herself was part of this opera written by Bertolt Brecht. At the same time I was ecstatic, I was also nervous; this role was like a huge weight of responsibility on my shoulders. How could I ever play a role Patti LuPone played? How could I be as good as her? Never. I figured I had to create Leokadja Begbick my way.

And that's what I did; and through months of rehearsal and creative work a snake was born. My Begbick was alive, and she slithered through my veins, cold as ice and venomous as the deadliest rattlesnake. Her poison fueled my being and she gave me the power I needed to get through 5 gigs in high heels and an embroidered shirt so heavy I kept sweating profusely whenever I put that on.

As I put my costume and make-up I was no longer Giovanna, the insecure, introverted and absent girl. I was Leokadja Begbick, a woman; a woman so torn by her life that she became an indestructible shell of herself, the thickest skin of a snake, and the will to destroy everything that came her way. I was fuelled by poison, hate and selfishness. And let me tell you, it was the most gratifying feeling I've ever felt in a long time.

I've played older, cold women before, but never someone as deprived of goodness and morals as Begbick. Being an actress is great because of things like that. You can feel like a piece of shit when you're being just yourself, but when you allow a character to take control of your body, you're not yourself anymore, and for a moment you can even forget how insecure, shitty or fragile you feel. I like to think the characters I play to be my friends, and to some extent, they all could get along with me without any troubles. But would Begbick be my friend if she met me?

No, she wouldn't. She would step on me the moment she saw how insecure I am. She would destroy me and probably prostitute me without even thinking twice. And I took that in consideration when I molded her character. And, to be honest, I think she was the best character I've ever did in a long time.

Here's a picture of me playing one of my favorite scenes in the play; the hurricane. That was the moment I poured all my spite and hatred towards every human being sitting in the audience, and that was the moment I felt this woman's poison in my veins the most intensely. I don't know if I'll miss Begbick of if I'm just so relieved to get rid of her. It's a love/hate relationship I guess.

Anyway, there was a picture I kept as my phone wallpaper since February because I knew looking at it would give me strength and the inspiration I needed to get through everything. And it's a picture of Patti LuPone, most specifically, this picture.

Now, this could go terribly wrong if I allowed it so, and sometimes it did. There were times when I looked at this picture and I all I wanted to do was cry, because I saw myself beneath her feet, unable to get up and subjugated to an extent I couldn't even do anything about it. There were times when I knew I would never get this role right, and I would only ashame myself and everyone else in my class. There were times when I looked at it and I imagined her lifting me up and slapping me to come to my senses and get my shit together, and I beamed with joy, because I knew I was doing the right thing. I'm glad to look at it now that everything is over and smile knowing that I did a good job. And I can even imagine Patti's Begbick giving me a cold nod of acknowledgement.

Every moment I spent waiting for the play to begin I prayed for two people: my grandmother, who's always with me on stage in the form of an earring, a necklace, or in this case, a snake brooch she had; and Patti LuPone, whom I thanked thoroughly for being my inspiration and my strength during these hard months. Without her, I don't know if I would be able to even get this character out of the script and into real life. I owe Leokadja Begbick to her, and in a way, I guess she would be proud of me.

I keep saying that I don't want to act anymore, and well, I guess I'm constantly lying to myself, because when I step in the stage that's when my soul is in peace. Those floorboards are my solace, as hard as they can be. That sacred place is my home. How could I ever deny my home?

Thank you, Leokadja Begbick for filling me with the power to get through it all.

Thank you grandma, for giving me luck and always be with me when I'm on the stage... I just wish you could be here with me.

Thank you Patti LuPone, for being my inspiration and my guidance to mold this character the right way; without you, my will to be part of this play would never exist.

Thank you Brecht, for being the badass writer and poet who wrote this amazing piece of work. You had no idea, but Mahagonny is the perfect portrait of my country's situation right now. The city you created is the city I'm living in today.

And lastly, thank you Dionysus, for allowing me to step into your sacred temple, thank you for sheltering my soul.