#a 50mg med is not enough and they know that

[mapsareforbraindeads]

me when i’m thinking about asking for help but i remember that the last time i told the doctors i was suicidal they said that i wasn’t a danger to myself because my sh wasn’t deep enough

[asakurahaos]

idk why i have issues with my health insurance every september 😒

[posttexasstressdisorder]

Tapering down...

It's no secret on here that I'm a depressed old fuck who's barely surviving. I've been taking two antidepressants for the last few years, Sertraline (Zoloft) and Mirtazipine (Remeron).

I love the Mirtazipine because it helps me fall asleep at night and STAY asleep. Insomnia was one of my main symptoms...for years on end I never strung together more than an hour and a half of sleep at a time. If I take the Mirts right as I'm hittin' the bed, I fall asleep within 20 mins. Those I have no problem with.

Talked to the doc about 6 months ago about tapering down off the max Zoloft dose (150mg/day) and finally getting off them totally. Why? They never really seemed to DO anything. There may have been a slight sense of relief after awhile, but I never really FELT any kind of effect, and no real benefit, other than the possible "I'm taking meds now so I must be getting better" thing you have to tell yourself before they "kick in".

So, I tapered down to just 100mg for a couple months and then took the 50mg's until they were gone. Been completely off them for a few weeks now. Haven't really felt much different, nothing really negative, other than possibly feeling "hopeless" once in a while, which, frankly, anybody in my position WOULD feel.

My reason for writing this out? I never really considered that they might be masking some of my emotional range. After the big news of the day yesterday, after a few hours of sensing the giddiness in the ether, I just started crying. I know that's a perfectly fine reaction to have when something that's been horrible gets RESOLVED, at least on a certain level. It's a release of tension.

But there was more to it. Posted some videos, and listening to all the music, it just made me weep all that much more. And this was genuine grief...grief at the loss of what all those songs represented to me, to my own Personal Mythological Framework, as it were.

And yet, deep down I knew that it wasn't just the loss of The '60s Protest movement, or specifically 1967, The Summer of Love and what IT represents to me.

I think enough of the sertraline has flushed from my system now that my emotional body is releasing pent-up grief. I've written about my two Gemini loves, born a day apart, died nine years apart. That birthday anniversary has always been difficult to get through, but last night's flow of tears finally wound its way to that core pain.

I'm one of those people who has to know WHY.

Once the WHY is satisfied, the letting go can happen.

My last therapist was essentially a Buddhist witch, and I always struggled with what she said about the death(s), but it hit home on a deeper level last night. Her words? Essentially that we have to eventually get enough distance from it and see the "Rightness" of it.

That's a seemingly callous idea, but it's really not.

If someone dies, think of their lives and the trajectory they were on, and the trajectory the world has taken since their death. Eventually there will be a sense of "yes, that somehow HAD to happen for THIS to happen"...a sense of "rightness" in that definition is strange to feel, once you get to it. You may never GET to it...it may always be "THE GREAT WRONG" in your life.

Gemini 1 (my sweetie, my soulmate) died July 15, 2012; Gemini 2 (my bro the soldier) died four days after the January 6th attack, on January 10, 2021. I'm still surrounded by the detritus of both their lives, in my sweetie's case, I have every piece of art she made between Junior College and the day she died. In the case of my Bro, it's all the computer parts and tools and family camping stuff that hasn't seen the light of day in over 20 years.

I know that I've hung onto much of it out of desperation, out of duty and loyalty to their memory, their lives...but it is currently holding me back, and I can feel that. I have to find the stomach to go down to the garage and just start taking pictures of all the tech and camping stuff and being realistically ruthless about what I actually CAN and CAN'T use and hit CL and eBay with whatever might bring a buck.

Up until last night, the idea of that was just too overwhelming. I think last night's emotional release had an effect. Not sure just how any of it is going to happen, but I have to face all that crap down there and get rid of 90%, leaving only Char's artwork and a few tools i can use, and then finding a cheaper storage solution for what's left.

Especially since the evil landlords jacked the rent on the garage up another fucking $25 as of this coming month.

And back to that "Rightness" thing. I finally thought about that in terms of what has happened in the world since they both respectively left. I am certain my sweetie would not believe the shit that has gone on in the last 12 years. I'm pretty sure my bro's poor broken body would not have made it through the ensuing years, especially after that last bizarre injury.

It's a strange thing to see that from the distance of time. And last night's catharsis was certainly tied to it, but I'm sensing there was a component tied to the tapering off the sertraline. No more emotional masking, possibly there will be more peace of mind going forward, I can never be sure, as I pick up just about everything energetically. (Why I have to go "SHIELDS UP, SCOTTY!" while I'm out and about, and self-isolate so much of the time.)

We do have so much to grieve. It never really ends. You have to feel it ALL. You have to release it. You have to see the "rightness" of it when you look at the world in its entirety. The sertraline's masking of the intense sadness finally being gone facilitated the bulk of it, I'm pretty sure.

[ghostlyschizophrenic]

can i ask about which antipsychotics you’ve taken? i’m about to start my next one, and i’m terrified because i’ve had terrible side effects before. i really hope your meds are still doing you good!

i have been on many so here's my list. i'm putting it under a read more because this will be a very long post, but here's the ones im discussing: seroquel, zyprexa, haldol, abilify, fanapt, latuda, risperdal, rexulti, and saphris.

general side effects of antipsychotics include: weight gain, tremors, dizziness, fatigue

some of the more serious side effects can be messing with your autonomic functioning (basically things like your heart rate, blood pressure, temperature regulation, etc.) and tardive dyskinesia (involuntary and repetitive movements of the body)

please keep all of this in mind when talking to your doctor about different medications.

also, general disclaimer: this is just my reaction to medication. you may have completely different experiences with them. my mom and i have very similar health problems, mental and physical, and we often take the same medications. but there are some that i absolutely couldn't take and she needs to take everyday. i'm a clone of my mom and even we have different reactions!

second disclaimer: as the song the kintsugi kid (ten years) by fall out boy says, i have spent ten years in a chemical haze. i've changed meds so many times, not just my antipsychotics but also mood stabilizers, SSRIs, benzodiazapines, sleep aids, and my adhd stimulants, so my memory isn't perfect. i also have been diagnosed with c-ptsd from stuff that has happened in the last ten years and i have lapses in memory because of it. if i don't say a lot about one, i'll specify what is my own experience and what places like the mayo clinic or cleveland clinic say.

quetiapine (seroquel): the first one i ever started and is the reason we figured out my early onset psychosis in the first place and i'm still on it almost ten years later, so i have a lot to say about this one lol.

i started it for its mood stabilization effects because of my bipolar 1 when i was 13 (thanks to my mom who is bipolar also and knows what it looks like and knew it wasn't just teen angst) but that little bit of medicine in my system broke through just enough for me see that some beliefs i had were both paranoid and delusional. i've been on a variety of different dosages, i think i started at 150mg and for a while i was on 450mg but now i'm on 750mg because i've been running out of stuff to take and i still also use it for mood stabilization.

the worst side effects for are a) it's super sedative and i take 50mg in the morning and the rest at night because i WILL sleep too much if i take it during the day, b) weight gain. seroquel weight gain is no joke, i gained about 70lbs because of it. most antipsychotics will make you gain weight, that's just something that comes along with these drugs, but seroquel has it the most intensely, and c) the autonomic dysfunction - seroquel, while being a second generation/atypical antipsychotic, is one of the more harmful ones to the body's ability to regulate things.

i say all of this because the decision to stay on seroquel for me hasn't been an easy one, especially when it comes to managing my pre-existing chronic illnesses, but ultimately i decided that it's effectiveness when it comes to managing my psychosis is more important to me because i can manage the physical health problems with help from the rest of my care team, and i can't do that if i'm so paranoid i can't leave the house and think everyone is trying to poison me.

----

olanzapine (zyprexa): this is another one that has a serious weight gain side effect, and often isn't prescribed alongside seroquel, but i need both, though i didn't have as much of a weight gain with this one than i did seroquel. this one is also a mood stabilizer that is very effective in treating mania and hypomania (i recently learned the hard way of coming off of that and not having a stabilizer for mania....) i honestly don't have too much to say about this one. i don't really notice any worsening of side effects that i didn't already have and it works really well so... yeah

----

haloperidol (haldol): this one is the only first gen antipsychotic i've tried and i was put on it after a month and a half in a residential treatment facility because of how severe my psychosis was. this is the one we think had the worst effect on my autonomic nervous system, which has yet to recover, especially because i was prescribed it along with my seroquel. though, as much as it fucked up my body, i stayed on it for almost a year until i needed a change again and it worked pretty well. i actually stabilized enough to be able to finish my last semester of high school, graduate with honors, and begin college. i then had a severe psychotic episode again and took some time off and changed meds, but that was almost an entire year of generally okay-ness. my body and brain just like to grow tolerances really, really easily

----

aripiprazole (abilify): this one fucked me up. i was prescribed it while in a hospital stay and the moment i got discharged i called my psychiatrist and she took me off of it. don't get me wrong, it was probably the best and fastest acting treatment for my psychosis and it was 100% the best move to get me down from hospitalization-level crisis, the problem was that i started scratching at my skin all hours of the day because it made me so restless i felt like i needed to shed my skin like a snake. i started bleeding from the itching and was like i already have a history of self harm and i don't need it to get worse. the restlessness side effect is officially called "psychomotor agitation" and literally comes up if you google the side effects.

BUT! it is very effective, as i previously stated. also, my mom is on it for her bipolar and she felt so much relief starting it.

----

iloperidone (fanapt): eh, no real good or bad here for this one. i tried it and we kept increasing the dosages but eventually it was just a case of it just wasn't working for me.

though when you're prescribed it, they want you to go up slowly and to monitor your skin because it can cause a pretty intense rash (i never had it but that's because i went up slowly)

----

lurasidone (latuda): this was one i was on a while ago, but i definitely remember that it made me have too much energy that i couldn't properly sleep and was agitated and annoyed easily. this was kinda like my experience on abilify where yeah it worked really well but the side effects just weren't my thing. also, that is a common side effect (thank you mayo clinic) and please keep an eye on it if you start it so that your psychiatrist can adjust as needed.

----

risperidone (risperdal): this one i was actually on for a longer period of time than most, i think it was a year and a half, and while it wasn't the most effective but it was enough to help me at least be able to recognize my delusions as delusions and my hallucinations as hallucinations. this one is another that made me pretty drowsy, even taking it at night, and the temperature regulation was weird, but ya boy likes to wear layers all the time and taking things on and off is just routine for me so temperature regulation isn't the hardest thing for me, it's just annoying

----

brexpiprazole (rexulti): this one is another that i stopped because of the side effects. i have chronic gastrointestinal problems so most foods are hard to eat to begin with, and this one made my stomach issues worse, specifically digestion. as an antipsychotic it did it's job but i just didn't like having to work even harder to find foods that i can eat without being confined to the bathroom for hours afterwards

----

asenapine (saphris): this was my most recent medication change before i switched back to zyprexa again. so i tried 10mg and then went up to 15mg and uhhhh, 15mg was definitely a no go because i already have insomnia and this one made it so much worse while also triggering severe panic attacks so i went back down to 10 and i was like oooh this feels great i'm not psychotic in the slightest like hell yeah. and that's something great, i really felt like i had found the right medication, but because i switched off my zyprexa which was helping my bipolar mania and didn't have that, AND the medication was making me restless and awake, i slowly developed a manic episode that was really, really bad and i'm still recovering from and adjusting my meds with.

also i had to take this as under-the-tongue dissolvables and you can't eat or drink until ten minutes after and dear god did it taste horrible. fortunately my psychiatrist told me i could suck on hard candy to help so now i have a giant bag of jolly ranchers in my bathroom because FOR THE LOVE OF THE GODS DON'T TRY MINT it feels like a demon is currently dying in your mouth

----

anyway, i hope this helps. i know i sound kinda negative about a lot of this because there's reasons why i switch off of medication. i feel really good about where i am with my psychosis with my 750 mg of seroquel and 20 mg of zyprexa and i'm not upset about having to change so many times, i just wish i could have found the best combination sooner. also knock on wood that i don't accidentally jinx myself by saying i feel stable lol

[faaun]

I'm not sure if you were after advice re adhd and Vyvanse, only read through your recent posts enough to see you are having thoughts about it but I'm not sure your dose and 'type' of adhd (inattentive/impulsive/hyperactive/combined etc) but see you're just over a week using it. I'm on day 21 of Vyvanse and wanted to share my experience if it's in any way helpful because I've been diligently documenting each day. Day one I took 30mg and found the dose was awful -- like I was at a club long after the music had stopped you know, hands clenched, music hurt, awful. I have since been taking half that dose and before a week didn't feel like I was "on" anything, but my mind was quiet and I could focus on my tasks / my moods were regulated - more linear / over the continued use I can tell it's waning earlier, but I do have 5mg Dexy's to supplement when that happens and it's still a process to find the dose balance (I suspect it will change throughout time anyway), I was prescribed those along with the Vyvanse but it's none of my business why you don't have those atm ofc. I've learned about so many things in relation to my mind since getting this diagnosis, I really had no idea I could attribute certain things to it and consequently feel so much less shame than I've had my entire life. You probably know there are other medications and maybe this one wont be for you (and maybe you'll find other strategies too) but I can say I'm glad I took the approach of allowing the process, documenting what I feel in my body each day AND MAKING SURE TO EAT A MEAL WITH THE VYVANSE IMMEDIATELY BEFORE TAKING IT (which no doctor advised me, I had to find out from reddit fml) I also eat really small portions of fruit / tuna during the day, and have heard others say that doing that helps the 'comedown' sensation too. I think I only felt compelled to send you this because I really relate to the 'can i choose not to have adhd' post, but maybe it will help to consider this an experience worth tracking in detail, really giving it a go and not considering each avenue an all or nothing sort of pursuit, like there are options and you should trust your body and discuss with your doctor. Bravo for figuring this out about yourself at 21, I'm 30 and my psych said a lot of people come to her in their 40's! I don't know if any of this helps at all, but I will say, the silence in my mind is a little weird and spooky while also relieving and interesting -- I heard someone basically say that the meds help you focus, but don't help you choose what to focus on, if that makes sense. I think that's where a sort of self-determination / planning comes in and seems significantly easier with the clarity of mind. This is all probably crap, but good luck wah!

hi hi ! this is def helpful thank you! right now i've been taking meals (well...nutritionally complete meal replacement shakes, with vitamins, because food does not register as food to me on vyvanse) just anytime after taking a dosage, so maybe actually having a meal beforehand would help!

also got magnesium + vit b, oredered omega fish oil so maybe that should help too ? i've known i've had adhd since i was maybe 15, it's just been really hard to get medicated and now that i have the medication the fear is that it's worse than being unmedicated (ritalin didnt work) 😭 but currently on a trial phase, as you said i'm documenting everything and just switching out lots of variables. i've learned going to the gym helps me too :)

my problem is that around 3-4 hours a day are essentially hellish. i started off on 50mg bc i usually have a high tolerance to...mostly everything, and quickly learned that it was too high - from 9-2pm amazin, 2-4 meh, 4-7pm horrible no good hell time, 7 onwards very relaxed and gentle. it's the midway stage that really sucks for me. i reduced my dosage to 30g and everything was more mild, but it still was impeding my ability to think between 3-7:30pm ish, which really sucks because that's when most of my seminars are...

my biggest problem for 3-7:30 except inability to process things is emotional bluntness and a complete lack of whimsy. my perceptions seem so indirect. like mild dissociation?

today i'm at 35, i'm seeing how it goes :) tomorrow i'll try the thing w eating before the dose, and also i'll try to implement more fish-related stuff into my diet bc i've also seen ppl say it helps them!

tysm for the ask btw i rly appreciate anyone's advice and just their experiences or feedback or thoughts !!

[sparksinger]

my mental health tanked again. what a surprise.

it's my own fault. as it usually is to be fair.

since i moved house two years ago, i was still (until three weeks ago) registered at my old gp surgery which was a 32 mile round trip to pick up meds and prescriptions etc.

i dropped the ball on filling out my script. getting in from work absolutely exhausted, or the shifts i work meaning that the chemist was closed when i felt up enough to go and get it. i ended up not having my tablets for the last three months.

when i registered with a practice closer to my new home three weeks ago, i put a script in for my sertraline, and unsurprisingly, they didn't fill it as too much time had passed since i had last had it dispensed.

i buried my head in the sand as is my m.o. (obviously never a good idea, but hey, i never learn) and over the last fortnight i have descended into crisis.

i am suicidal again. i am not going to do anything, and i don't plan on doing anything to harm myself, but that doesn't mean the thoughts aren't there.

the doctor has restarted my sertraline but at 50mg and i will have to work in increments over time to go back up to 200mg. it's my own fault and i feel really embarrassed by the whole thing. primarily because i should know better and i do know better, but i still fall back into these self destructive behaviour patterns.

ugh.

in other news, i might have a bit more time and energy to write now. i have written barely 2k words in the last 2 and a half months. if that. i also have a new idea bouncing around in my head for a small oneshot. we'll see.

tired & sad atm. just tired & sad.

[fanficfanattic]

Normally I don’t look at the Screentime Notification because it just silently screams at me to please do literally anything else.

But I accidentally clicked it and I have never been able to visualize my sleep so clearly before. And sure, that’s mostly due to my lack of inner eye. But even then…

This is the most sleep I’ve gotten in my life! Part of that is me getting a cpap like five years ago. We realized I kept waking up about every two hours. You know. Whenever I was hitting REM sleep. Because that’s when your body is at it’s most lax and that’s when my tiny obstruction could actually close my airways.

But that was only keeping me asleep once I actually got there.

I have tried almost every sleep aid medication possible. I tried each Brand New The BEST™ meds. Nothing made me sleepy. I take 50mg of my allergy meds each morning and I’ve seen a half dose put down fully grown people.

So what changed?

Getting my a u t i s m diagnosis!

You know why? Because my psychiatrist has found the most success with autistic patients when she prescribes TWO different sleep meds. They each work different ways. Together they beat back my insomnia.

I realize that averaging 5 hours a night doesn’t look that impressive. But this is after three decades where actually sleeping every night in a week was rare. Now I only have a fully sleepless night 1-2 times a month.

I don’t have any kind of overarching wisdom. It’s luck that I was able to get an accurate diagnosis for autism. And luck that I have access to healthcare (even though its expensive as fuck). I’ve had to search and experiment and test drive providers until I’ve found ones that take me seriously. But even that comes down to luck.

The only thing I’ve done is hold on long enough to reach them. And I’m not knocking that. Every day we wake up, we’ve held on long enough to have another chance, and that takes strength.

I love Ted Lasso and “it’s the hope that kills you” being rejected was wonderful. Hope gets us up and trying and loving and searching.

[dirtbag-linecook-kyloren]

1) You have no idea how excited I was when someone actually wanted to delve my AU list, and #16 is one I haven't really done any work on this one so I'm so happy to think more on it thank you so much @tinpotterror

2) au 16 is one I'm so excited to get a plot for I can't stress enough that I think this one is gonna be good I just don't have a main conflict yet but who knows maybe this post will brew it, I do some great thinking while typing shit

SO AU 16 is a hospital au

which yes yes I know

but I need you to imagine, to come along for the ride with me.

It's an emergency room, because it always is, that's how these things always go, and ben solo is nearing the end of his residency. four years of undergrad, four years of medical school, and he's ready to be a fully fledged doctor. It's all he's wanted for fuckin YEARS, and he's almost there.

But charge nurse Armitage Hux continues to be a pain in his ass. All he has are complaints; the way Ben charts, his patient demeanor, hell, he even questions the dosage on meds, sometimes. (And he's often right, though Ben will never admit it. 50mg ˆwouldˆ have killed that patient, he did mean 5mg.) Ben doesn't like it, but Hux spends a lot of time cleaning up his messes, to the point that Hux legit does not respect Ben. Literally calls him Ben, doesn't call him Dr. Anything, because he's inches away from being a nurse practitioner, and he's earned the right to feel that way.

My favorite game to play is how do I get snoke in this au, and I think snoke is an elderly patient who's a frequent flier. he's awful, he's cruel, and the only two people in the ED he likes are Hux and Ben, so they end up having to work together more than either would like, as Snoke's health declines. Does Ben try to ignore a DNR? maybe? does he terrorize the other nurses to the point that they refuse to do anything for him, and ben spends fifteen minutes on one poor teenage boys blood draw, because he's only found a vein like three times? definitely. Is there a mass casualty event, because those are always a plot point on hospital shows? it is now, and you'll never guess who wasn't working that day and comes in half delirious on a stretcher, because you guessed it itS HUX (coming back I've decided he was running a race and there was a shooting because I put plenty of my own nightmares into fan fiction and this would just be another.)

and ben obviously realizes in those moments, as he looks at hux in the hospital bed, heading into emergency surgery, how much he relies on that voice, how much he's been leaning on Hux's years more experience, how much he's been undervaluing that resource. And hux gets through surgery while Ben is having to help other patients and trying not to lose his mind, he gets admitted to a room and when he wakes up from anesthesia, who would happen to be sitting in his room, passed out after a 14 hour shift still in his scrubs but Ben solo, a cold cup of tea that was smuggled in sitting on his bedside table.

and Ben keeps visiting hux, although Hux doesn't know why. He assumes it's guilt, of some sort, and figures he can take advantage of it to get the good snacks from the vending machine, but he comes back to work and Ben is still nice? And at this point, it's getting confusing, but he just keeps letting it happen, because he's decided it's preferable to Ben from before, but in some ways, it's not, because he starts to miss some of the venom, and he can't figure out why, until he realizes that oh no he hates Ben but he was also 100% flirting and that's a terrible idea, they work together it would end so poorly

But ben won't stop looking at him with his big doe eyes and eventually hux breaks and kisses him, and ben's confused? and then hux is confused, because what was this all about if Ben didn't have a crush on him, but he flees the break room and goes home and ignores all the calls to his phone and shows up to his next shift and tries to pretend that nothing happened.

At which point another one of the nurses all but slaps ben over the head for being so dumb and then they bone i guess? I created most of this plot in the last five minutes so it needs some refinement but I just need one for the nurses tbh. THIS ONE IS FOR THE NURSES it's for every nurse that's ever been nice to me and also my friend tyra

[stardustinmyhands]

8/5/24

I’ve been treating my ear infection with the antibiotic ear drops I had from my last infection. It’s still, but it’s not sharp pain like it was Friday.

I have to admit my mood hasn’t been great the last month. I’m not going to talk about why. It’s nothing major, but it’s important to me. It’s just something that I can’t control and I don’t like it. I’m trying to learn to adapt with my new mood. I feel I’m just cruising in life. Not really feeling happy or sad, I just am existing. I continue through out my day on cruise control, day in and day out.

I’m drinking coffee, which explains my stomach right now. I I didn’t need zofran at all this weekend, and that’s big for me. No infusion this week.

My cpap machines keeps displaying a note to contact my supplier, it says the engine has lasted longer than it’s suppose to. It’s still working though, I need to still call them. I don’t want my machine to stop working on me. I won’t sleep good without it.

I’m just cleaning today, and drinking my coffee today. I keep seeing things on TikTok about autism and adhd burn out and I’m like “omg that’s me”. It’s like describing me perfectly I’ve never been formally diagnosed with autism. I’ve been told unofficially by many psychiatrists they believe I have by the mental evaluations I’ve taken. I have been diagnosed with adhd, and take adderall for it. I also take abilify for depression. Which abilify is commonly prescribed for autism.

My dr reordered my propananol. I seriously hope that helps with my headaches again. I’ve almost used up my tramadol, I get a big quantity for two months. And due to headaches and elbow pain it’s almost all gone.

I’m riding my 20 mg adderall right now and it feels good. I like it. My prescription is for 50mg total a day. I kinda wanna ask to get bumped to 60 mg total a day. He said the highest dose he prescribes is 60 mg to one patient. And I’m right below that. When I’m at work I drink coffee and energy drinks on top of my adderall. I’ve been to a cardiologist he said my heart is fine. What he saw on the ekg is my normal and has always been there.

On top of my normal meds and now my ear drops I’m also taking DayQuil a couple times a day to help my ears. My nose runs constantly and I can feel it in my ears right now. Anything to help my ear. It’s also just my left ear that’s been hurting. I don’t know if it’s just in my ear canal or has it spread to the inside of my ear, so I don’t know if I should go to urgent care. I mean my insurance is 100% covered for everything, so it’s not a cost thing. It’s just, am I treating it enough with my ear drops and sinus meds or do I need antibiotic pills to?

[osakanone]

Oh its that time? Okay.

tw: Substance abuse

O'Socks 508's "be social" combat mix

(use caution):

I occasionally do it when I'm forced to fly because my local terminal always fucks up and a given excursion extends too long, and I often end up having to be awake for 35+ hours at a time before I'm able to touch down, let alone go to sleep.

This is NOT sustainable.

Do NOT try to do it for weeks on end.

If you ever need to do this, first seriously re-evaluate your life and the relationships you have which force you into doing this.

You should almost certainly change those relationships rather than put your body through this. Talk to your superiors if you need to do this more than five times in six months.

I am not responsible for what happens, and your doses are likely going to differ enormously from mine, because I have a tolerance and you likely don't.

If you've never done this, half every dose by 50% immediately except for the concerta. If you are on other meds, do a check for contraindications.

If you've had spironolactone in the last 15 days, do not attempt under any circumstance due to conflicts with armodafonil and magneisum.

There may be other long term conflicts and I cannot predict what they are.

For those of you without operators to do pre-check for you:

You are your own steward; don't do anything stupid.

Also I shouldn't have to say this: Do a dry-land test in a safe area with someone monitoring you first and get comfortable doing this out of the cockpit before you dare consider doing it upstairs. Know if its a good fit for you or not before you put the big girl pants on and go play precussion.

Power up phase:

Take it all 5 mins prior to terminal security and have it ready in a baggie to go, cutting out each sub-section with scissors. Round the edges so you don't cut the baggie.

If you put the baggy behind a strip of foil condoms in a sub-bag with an estrogen wheel, everybody will assume its just sexual health stuff and will not evaluate the contents.

In fairness, it is basically medicine anyway and security won't care if you have foil containers for any of it.

50mg pregabalin (seizure prevention, social anxiety reduction)

50mg armodafonil (fighter pilot wakeup juice)

18mg concerta (slow release ritalin for focus)

100mg magnesium

2x monster ultra + crystal light rasberry (one for wakeup, one prior to security)

just 20 minutes swimming or lifting (do prior to all of this)

Lofting phase:

Kicks in around 40 minutes after taking, and then you start lofting round the 4 hour mark, meaning you dip a bit. Set your radio to PTT, not VA, or they'll hear you grinding your teeth, breathing, groaning etc for the initial 20 minutes of the come up.

Bring gum.

You're going thorugh a whole pack at minimum during your op.

During this period the goal is to keep you at the 45% following the peak, so you're always coming down but you bounce each time in a predictable sinewave.

You can measure this by vibes, but the usual is:

50mg pregabalin every 7 hours

25mg armodafonil every 10 hours

18mg concerta every 12 hours

Switch to isotonic sports drink (two bottles per 12 hours)

1 can of monster ultra every 12 hours

I also highly recommend the use of a neck collar, usually a wearable flight pillow with a front clasp. If your gear comes with a floatation unit, you can often get away with a scarf, and the floatation collar will provide enough push that the scarf will keep you comfortable.

When you pull or do terrain contacts or pull lateral, you're really going to feel it in your neck especially if you're doing boosted turns on terrain that's high friction like concrete or dock-ways so you'll super appreciate this.

If you're a pounder and not a fairy, this gets super important if you're using your loco to do sonar step-searches because the linear chair isn't going to filter out all the gZ motion.

Now the tricky bit:

If you're a pounder this won't bother you because you can just park and water the local fauna.

If you're a fairy, this is really gonna suck:

You will need to pee

A lot

no, seriously

Try to get an indwelling urinary catheter.

Piddle packs will not cut it, I promise you

Change the back under 18K or it will hurt

Don't fill past 50%

Get into the habit of bag checks every 10 minutes

Make sure every bag has its own valve

No, you can't hold it between bags

the natural pressure change will defeat your muscles

Make sure the cath line also has a valve

Label each valve handle, one red, one blue

Always close both valves before seperation

the byford dolphin accident of pee is not fun and can happen

If you're on a craft with a bathroom, every fighter pilot, fairy and flyer is jealous of you

If you are refuelling, do not brag about your bathroom or the pilot will hate you

Power down phase:

Use during extended recovery to adjust to jetlag

300mg 5htp (higher seratonin)

200mg egcg (prevents damage by 5htp)

Good company is also recommended.

You will need some kind of physical affection or you're going to feel like ass. I recommend you thank the ground crew.

Even when you're tired, you're gonna be buzzy and friendly as hell and everybody will want to help you, especially if you're apologetic about the state you returned in.

Mixing with other pilots can be good but it tends to create a competitive air which can be great if that's your thing but most of you out there are passenger princesses the moment you're not upright so go let the pit crew dote on you after they do initial checks for the mechanics and factory teams.

Good hunting.

[maerenee930]

random thoughts. (pretty long. just a heads up for anyone who does happen to read this. not that i like actually/ really think anyone is going to read this 😅)

feel like it’s been a minute since i’ve done this. it probably like actually hasn’t been that long or as long as i think it has been or as long as it finds feels like it has, but yeah. 😅

so life update:

- finally have a new gp. my precious doctor just wasn’t working out. idk if i mentioned it (i think i did. i can’t remember for sure) but she basically chalked up any of my issues i’ve been having mentally and emotionally mostly, can be solved by losing weight. when i asked if there was maybe some other kind of medication i could try to help with my depression and anxiety not only in general but especially for when i’m pmsing and both tend to get a lot worse and i start to feel super low (like feels really close to how i’ve felt at my lowest points 😣) and i just felt my meds weren’t doing what i needed them to.

so when i asked if there was maybe something different i could try or even just for something around that time to help with both, she told me “well you’re already in medications and you’re at the highest dosage for each one. i don’t know what else you want. there’s nothing i can do. you need to lose weight. that will help.”

so yeah…. that felt pretty fucking shitty. ngl. so i finally found a new doctor.

i’ve only seen her twice now and already i feel so much better than i have in quite a while! she’s so sweet and genuinely kind! she’s truly willing to hear me out and not dismiss my concerns or make me feel like i’m over reacting or like i’m not actually trying to change things or make them better. like i don’t actually care or want to feel better. doesn’t dismiss my feelings because of my weight and say everything would be better and i would feel better if i just lost weight.

she has explained things to me in a way that i not only will really understand but she explains things in way that’s not rude or condescending. she saw the dosages of my meds and adjusted them. one of them i was like not just at the maximum dosage but i was above it. like 50mg above the max 😳 and the other wasn’t quite high enough 😐 why the previous doctor didn’t just take the time to adjust my meds, is beyond me!

so we adjusted my dosages and while it’s only been a few weeks, i do feel different. i feel less anxious and jittery than i did for the longest time.

she explained things about my iron being so low and my anemia and how they can also play a part in my depression and anxiety and what i can do to help get it up so i wont possibly have to get transfusions done.

and she didn’t mention my weight. it wasn’t even brought up until i mentioned how the previous doctor repeatedly suggested (very rudely) that i’ll feel better and everything would get better if i just lost weight.

she suggested that if it’s something i want to do then there are things we can work out to help me with that and exercising would be helpful to not only lose weight but help boost my mood. help me so i’m not just sitting and stewing in my emotions.

it was so nice to have a doctor talk to me like an actual person with feelings. someone who didn’t just see my weight as the sole cause of any problems i’m having.

- work has been going pretty well for the most part. i mean we’re busy. it’s close to the holidays and it’s a credit union. it makes sense that we’re busy. i feel like i’m not doing good or am good at my job but i have to keep reminding myself that if that were the case, i wouldn’t be there still. but it’s hard to shake that anxiety and not let it get the better of me.

speaking of anxiety and work. prior to seeing my new doctor, i’ve been able to have several conversations with one of my supervisors about my anxiety and depression. her daughter struggles with anxiety as well so it’s kinda nice to have someone to talk to at work who can understand how i feel and my supervisor said it’s been nice for her to talk with someone about it who can really kind of understand how her daughter is feeling. someone who has been through similar things. everyone has been super understanding and supportive not only just in general at work but also when it comes to my anxiety. i’ve had several really bad panic attacks while i’ve been at work and i have had to step away from my desk for a minute to try and calm myself down and everyone has been so kind, understanding, supportive and patient with me. 🥺

having my supervisors, our hr person and my other coworkers being so understanding and kind just means so more to me than they will every know 🥹 i feel so very lucky to work there!

i could do without some of the members being who they are 🙃 still lots of rude comments. lots of political, racist, homophobic, transphobic, sexist and bigoted comments 😑 so that’s fun.

lots of people who love to make all of us feel like we don’t know how to do our job when in reality they’re not understanding how things work and that we have certain procedures and protocols in place that we have to follow and do and when they get so annoyed it just kills me 🤦‍♀️

or like people have been in such a hurry lately and have transactions with larger amounts and depending on the transaction and if they’re getting cash back, they want smaller bills so it’ll take longer to count and verify (because we have to count it certain number of times to verify we’re counting everything correctly. not just so we’ll balance our drawers later but also so that you know our members are getting what they’re asking for. shocking, i know 😐) and then get annoyed with us when it does take a while and they’re like “is this gonna take much longer? i have to go get my grandchild… and blah blah blah” or “i have other stuff i have to do” and it’s like people, seriously?? why come in and get out a lager amount of money when you are in a hurrry? they do this consistently, btw. and it’s just like you gotta figure out a different time to do this stuff because we have things we have to do and sometimes it’s gonna take a while. it’s frustrating but it is what it is. we can do it fast and possibly screw up and have you be even more annoyed in the long run…? or we can take our time, do what we are supposed to do and need to and get your transaction or transactions done correctly. it’s up to you. personally i’d rather do it right the first time. but what do i know? 🤦‍♀️

or we’ve understandably been busy lately cause of the holiday coming up and like on saturday, we were open for only 4 hours and i had 80 transactions. now mind you some people do multiple things but still that still counts and in such a short amount of time i had that many transactions?? like whyyyy? uuugh!! 😓

idk if i mentioned it at all (i think i have to so i apologize for repeating myself) but i keep getting called cindy lauper by one specific member because he’s a stupid dick who thinks he’s soo funny and just like he’s gods gift to the world 🤦‍♀️ and because of my hair color fading from when it was bright red to pink and he started calling me that like legit when i started back in march and still does it (literally did it today) and it’s just so fucking annoying. of all the pop culture references to make with my hair color (or at the time hair color), of all the celebrities to compare me to because of my hair color(s) he chooses cindy lauper?? i look NOTHING like cindy lauper. so it doesn’t make any sense. like other than having colors in my hair (which she was not the first and clearly wasn’t the last celeb to) i have no features similar to her. in any way. so it’s like why? why does this have to be a thing? why is it still a thing? why does this man feel the need to continue to call me it when literally no one comments on it anymore? (him calling me that. i mean some of my supervisors like chuckled or laughed when he started doing it. back in march and april 😑 but no one else has don’t it since then. if anything we all can’t stand it. that or everyone is being kind enough to me to pretend to be annoyed by it to make me feel supported 😅 anyway lol) and when will he finally get that it’s not funny and he could just stop? (he’s one of the assholes who makes racist, homophobic, sexist, transphobic, political and bigoted comments. soo you know this guy is just a fucking gem 😑)

on a nicer note, we had our company christmas party a few weeks ago and it was a lot of fun! we went out to dinner and had sooo much food! and then went to a play and it was seriously so funny! like i was not expecting it to be as good as it was and it just ended up being so much more fun than i imagined it was going to be 😂☺️💙

my mom was my plus one lol. and we got to sit with my aunt (my mom’s oldest sister. i work with her lol. she’s how i found out about the job and the reason i applied there ☺️) and her daughter/my cousin. we sat with one of my friends who is also a teller and her best friend 😊 we sat with one of the tellers (who’s been there just about as long as i’ve been alive lol) and her plus one. and our cfo and her husband ☺️ and our ceo would walk around occasionally to check on everyone and see how we’re doing and it was so nice! everyone i work with is truly so kind and i feel so lucky i get to work with them! but yeah, it was just a really fun night!

i talked a lot with my cousin about our favorite shows or meeting people at comic-con cause she had just went to motor city comic-con back in november and we talked about a lot of other stuff with my mom and my friend i that work with and yeah, it was just a good night ☺️

- on a kind of sadder note, my cat’s has been having trouble with her vision. we noticed it in the beginning of november and on and off it kept happening and getting worse. she keeps bumping into things but it’s not consistent. some days she does great and she’s like how she’s always been. very normal. and then other days she (not super hard to where she hurts herself) just bumps into almost everything and it just has been very odd 😓

we took her to the vet the same day of my christmas party and the vet said he believes her retina’s have detached. when he shined a light in her eyes, her pupils didn’t get smaller. or if he shined it in one eye, the other one wouldn’t instinctively react and get smaller as well. and her pupils have been pretty dilated lately. which i guess happens when cats have issues with their retinas. he also said though he wasn’t 100% sure and we would have to take her to an ophthalmologist and they could run more tests to know for sure.

and then they needed up doing some tests on her and getting some bloodwork done for her and the results of the blood work were not surprising. she has high blood pressure (which with my cat makes complete sense because she has always been a very anxious and tightly wound personality. she is like the actual/literal definition of a scared cat 😅🥹 my poor baby lol. always has been lol. and just with that and having issues with the other two cats, it makes sense. there’s a lot of reasons why she has issues with the other two cats but i won’t get into that right now. so she’s on blood pressure medication now and gets it every day, so hopefully that helps.

but we also found out, cats having high blood pressure can mess with their vision. so that could be playing a part into what’s going on with her sight as well. not a for sure or definite answer but right now we’re taking what we can get.

something to keep in mind is my cat is almost 18 years old so it kinda makes sense that it’s happening. but at the same time, she’s my baby. (literally her name is baby lol 🥹💙) she’s can’t have anything wrong. she’s so perfect and small and feisty and funny and sweet and amazing and she just deserves everything. she’s just a baby 🥹🥰 she’s my princess. she’s my best friend. she’s been through so much with me and is always there for me. she’s such a good girl 🥹😭 and she doesn’t deserve to go through anything like this 😭

and i realize things could be soo much worse and we are very fortunate that it took this long for anything to happen with her vision. but it still doesn’t make it easier to handle or process. you know? plus i worry about her so much as it is. and to think about how scared she is when she can’t see or if she does end up losing her vision completely. how tough that is for her. selfishly it breaks my heart that she possibly won’t be able to see my face at all maybe at some point 😭 how scared i am that i can’t fix this for her and make everything better for her.

like when i say she’s my best friend, i mean it. she is legit always there for me. 🥹 i mean she is also almost always in my room lol. but she just knows when i need cuddles, snuggles, love, attention and affection 😭 she sleeps right next to me every night (or legit next to my head/face. yes she sleeps that close to me. not cause i make her! but because she feels that safe with me/safe enough with me to be that close to me. or she feels i can protect her 😭) she has such a distinct personality and we legit will like bicker and get annoyed with each other and it’s so funny. and she’s also my protecter when she feels i need it 🥹 she does so many other things and in her own little kitty ways tries to take care of me while still being a princess and getting her way and idk she’s just the best 😭 and anything happening to her absolutely guts me and completely breaks and hurts my heart soo much 😭 i just want to make everything better for her. and i want to do whatever i can to have her healthy and around for as long as i possibly can 😭💙💙 my baby 🥺

there was more i wanted to add to this but i’m gonna leave it at that for now. i’ll probably make another post with/about that other stuff soon.

but yeah, thank you to anyone who actually did read all of this rambling emotional nonsense 😅 i know it was a lot but i really appreciate it.

i hope it all made sense for the most part. i’m sorry if it didn’t and i’m sorry for any spelling or grammar errors/typos.

[bo0zey]

i’m so tired of pretending i’m not tired lol

[assumptionprime]

Whooooo! This is a lot more than normal. If I do another of these in a year it’s not gonna be this long.

(More thoughts and a transcript below the cut.)

Also, I was tempted to hurt everyone (including me) by making the title a RENT reference. You're all welcome.

Have a bulleted list of other thoughts that I couldn't fit into the comic:

Everything in here is about my experiences specifically. My medications, my doses, my injection cycle, everything is specific to me and my body. Your body might handle a lot of these things differently! Nothing in here is medical advice. Please talk to a healthcare provider if it’s at all possible for you.

Moreover, obsessing over other trans people’s doses and hormone levels and results is never helpful. My first few months, any time I read something online about doses or results that differed from mine I’d fall into a rabbit hole of unnecessary anxiety, furiously googling for half an hour until I found something that reassured me that yes, I’m fine, and I’m going to get a good grade in HRT, something is both normal to want and possible to achieve.

Yes, the Spiro makes me pee a lot. It didn’t at first, but it turns out I was just not drinking enough water and was a bit dehydrated all the time. Whoops!

Yes, I sometimes get cramps that resemble period cramps. It’s weird, and sucks, but is not nearly as intense or frequent as people with uteruses deal with. (No stolen valor here)

Therapy can be really good, actually. The fact that so many doctors or governments require therapy before one can start hormones is bullshit, but if you can get a good therapist, it can be really helpful to unpack and process your feelings while transitioning, even if you don’t need a stupid letter where you live.

And perhaps most importantly: transition, medical or otherwise, isn’t a cure-all for depression. It’s helped me immensely, but that’s me. You’re not broken or failing your transition if going on hormones or changing your presentation doesn’t solve your depression. It only means you need to find what does help you. And there is something that can help.

Transcript/Description:

Comic, 7 Panels Panel 1: Robin leaning out from behind a panel "So! I've been on feminizing HRT for one year now. How'd that happen? How's it going?" Panel 2: A PDF file on its Table of Contents. Caption: I found my doctor through a local LGBTQ+ group's "Trans Best" list. It's a listing of local doctors and businesses that were recommended by other local trans people as trans friendly. Panel 3: A piece of paper that reads "she trans fr tho." Caption: I gave her a gender dysphoria diagnosis letter from my therapist, but I don't know that she needed it? We never talked about it, I just assumed it was necessary since many doctors need one. Panel 4: 2021 Robin, with the eggiest hair you've ever seen, talking with her doctor. Caption: We talked about what I wanted from transition, and if I had any specific medication questions. I said I wanted shots, she said if I was willing to do shots, she was willing to give them to me. Panel 5: 2021 Robin holding a prescription sheet. Caption: I had my prescription in hand! Panel 6: A neighborhood with snow dumped all over it. Caption: Then it snowed harder than it ever has since I started living here in Memphis, shipping was held up, and I had to wait another two weeks to get the meds! Panel 7: An irate Robin fumes, "...fucking inconvenience powder."

Comic, 1(?) Panel Robin hanging upside down from the top of the image says "Now, what do I actually take?"

(little pictures of medications beside their listings)

100mg Spironolactone daily (started at 50mg, upped to 100 after 2 months) - Anti-androgen, Blocks testosterone receptors; can lower testosterone production.

100mg Progesterone daily (added at 2 months) - Sort of a helper for estrogen in promoting physical changes; can lower testosterone production.

5mg Finasteride daily (added at 2 months) - Another anti-androgen, specifically promotes thinning of body hair, and stops or can partially reverse hair loss

5% Minoxidil foam once daily - It’s Rogaine. Yeah. My hair was Not Good.

2ml of 5mg/mL Depo-Estradiol injected intramuscularly every 10 days (started at 1 mL every 14 days, increased to 2mL at 2 months, increased to every ten days at 4 months) - The most important bit. Performs the more vital bodily functions that all that blocked testosterone is no longer doing, but more importantly, induces physical changes to feminize the body

Robin, now laying at the bottom of the image, speaks, "Remember, this is just my regimen. Your provider might prescribe different medications in different amounts, or start you on fewer types and add more over time. Talk with them about what you are and aren’t being prescribed and why."

Comic, 9 Panels Panel 1: Physical Changes (Or: the part everyone's here to read about) Robin in a cheerful pose, with little notations drawn on various parts of her. Panel 2: Skin. Robin poking her face. Caption: Softer and less oily. Minor, but nice! I didn't get much acne before, but I almost never get it now. Panel 3: Body Hair. A hairy forearm, next to a much, much less hairy one. Caption: It's thinner and much slower growing. I'm also getting laser hair removal, but this is still wonderful. Panel 4: A disappointed Robin rubbing her face, she mutters "Still scratchy..." Caption: It hasn't had the same effect on my facial hair, I'm sorry to say. Panel 5: Chest. Robin gesturing vaguely at her upper torso. Panel 6: Robin trying and failing to be nonchalant, says "It's... I mean... There's a little going on there, but it's not a huge change." Panel 7: Robin looking down at her chest, continues "I know it's supposed to take a while. And I have lost weight these past few months, which doesn't help, but..." Panel 8: Robin keeps looking down at her chest. Panel 9: Robin starts nudging her chest, and says "C'mon... Do Something..."

Comic, 8 Panels Panel 1: Fat Placement. Robin, hands on her waist, speaks, "But! Between the weight loss and hormones, I kind of have a waist now?" Panel 2: Past Robin lifting her shirt up slightly, and marvelling with starry eyes at her slightly curved waist. Caption: My spouse pointed it out to me one day and I was like: "Ohhhh! I do!" Panel 3: Muscle Mass. Robin waving her wiggly, weak arms shouting "ARMS! LIKE! NOODLES!" Panel 4: Robin huddled in a blanket. Caption: I get SO much colder now. I used to be a walking furnace, now if it gets below 70 in the house i need a blanket and long socks. Panel 5: Hair. Robin combing her hair. Panel 6: Pre-transition Robin examining the thinning hairline. Caption: Before hormones, my hair was falling out. It sucked. But I also though there was nothing I could do about it. Panel 7: Current Robin holding a bottle of medication and gesturing to her hair, speaks "But actually! I totally can do something about it, and I am, and it works!" Panel 8: Robin laying on her bed, smiling and kicking her feet, talking to herself "Yes yes yes!" Caption: When I first noticed the difference, I couldn't stop smiling for days.

Comic, 7 Panels Panel 1: Mood and Emotions. A joyful Robin surrounded by various hearts with faces and different emotions. (Yeah, a Super Princess Peach reference in 2022, only the best from me) Panel 2: A smiling robin leaning back in her Gamer Chair(tm) and holding a tablet pen thoughtfully to her cheek. Caption: After a while, my mood started to shift. I generally just... happier. Panel 3: Caption: I have bad days, sure. I'm not immune to falling into a slump. But my baseline for what "normal" feels like is so much higher than it used to be. "How are you doing?" A pretransition Robin face, with a somewhat down expression "I'm okay." a current Robin face with a little smile "I'm okay." Panel 4: Robin looking down into the lower half of the panel where pretransition Robin sits, looking annoyed/angry. "It's certainly a combo of HRT, therapy, and being happier with myself. But I'm not... frustrated all the time anymore. Panel 5: Robin steps in front of the previous panel, which is grayed out and paused like a VHS so I really show that I'm old. "Quick side note: There's this attitude among some transfems that testosterone makes you a zombie whose only emotion is anger, but I don't think that's the case. Panel 6: Robin continues, "I think that's the way a lot of depressed and repressed transfems feel and it fades as they transition, so they equate the two." Panel 7: Robin holds a vial of Estradiol to her cheek, gesturing to it as she speaks. "Tons of cis men and transmascs like the way testosterone makes them feel. And good for them! My precious estradiol makes them feel like shit! It's about what's right for you."

Comic, 7 Panels Panel 1: Caption: Anyway, before transition I still had other feelings, but I felt less... connected to them? I would feel happy when good things happened, but even on my best day as the old me, I never got so happy that I cried. An arrow labelled "Just married the love of my life" pointing to a pretransition Robin in a three-piece suit, smiling and looking pleased. An arrow labelled "Got a really sweet greeting card" pointing to a current Robin holding said card and wiping away tears with a big wobbly smile on her face. Panel 2: Robin gesturing sheepishly while speaking "And yeah, a lot of that sounds like it's because I'm no longer really depressed. And... true. But I do think having my right hormones is definitely playing a part in it. Panel 3: two big numbers, 14 and 10, Robin is pointing at the 10 while saying "You might have noticed back when I listed my medications that after a few months I moved from injections every 14 days to every 10 days." Panel 4: Past Robin laying down, looking anxious and upset. Caption: I had noticed that every now and then I'd have a run of crummy days out of nowhere. I just felt worse and would lie around and anxiously spiral. Panel 5: A calendar, with E vials on alternating Sundays. The Wednesdays through Saturdays before each vial are labelled "Feel Shitty" Caption: Took a look at a calendar and whaddaya know! It was always in the 3-4 days before my next injection. Panel 6: Caption: I brought this up with my doc and she said: (Doctor, speaking) "Let's move yo to injecting every 10 days, then. Panel 7: Robin holding the calendar, with no more red "feel shitty" zones on it, speaks "And poof! No more cycle of feeling shitty for half of every other week!

Comic, 8 panels: Panel 1: Robin speaking "The most important thing I've learned from a year of transitioning is this: It's not "all or nothing."" Panel 2: Gesturing more emphatically Robin continues: For a long time, I was stuck in this idea that transition is does a ton of work-" Panel 3: Closer to frame, she spreads her arms, looking worried. "That may not have the results I want-" Panel 4: Closer, looking more serious, "And after several years-" Panel 5: Closer, gesturing desperately, "And a lot of money-" Panel 6: Closer still, the panel edges are breaking, as she looks intense "If it's all gone perfectly-" Panel 7: Almost against the screen, panel cracked and jagged, pleadingly, desperately "Then I can maybe start being happy." Panel 8: Wide shot, Robin smiling and arms out shouts "But that's not what it is at all!"

Comic, cascade of no panel dialogue Robin, relieved and happy, speaks "Almost every step I’ve taken in my transition has made me feel better now, made me happier now. Some a little, some a lot." A list of various steps in transition from the past year with little smiley faces of different levels. Come out to friends, medium smile, Start hormones, big smile, New clothes! medium smile, Name change, big smile Robin gestures to herself, "And don't get me wrong, I definitely have goals for my transition. There's still a lot I want to do, and I have my worries." Robin gripping her upper arm and speaking, "But that paralyzing fear of reaching some "endpoint" of transition only to realize it was a "failure" was nothing but hurtful." Robin looking up toward the reader, holding up two fingers and smiling, "And I'm better of without it. All it did was keep me from discovering all that transition could do for me along the way. Here's to year two!"

[sexhaver]

how were u an engineering major AND high all the time? +in a frat? not meant in a judgmental way, I'm trying to be a full time engineering student again and if I try to have a social life of any kind I think I'll instantly fail. Did meds make a difference for u bc I'm unmedicated rn and kinda nervous about it

oh yeah, literally the only way i was able to make it through my 5-year engineering + CS double major was liberal application of 50mg time-release Vyvanse and 10mg instant-release Adderall tablets. i was lucky enough to have both legally prescribed and firmly believe they should be made available on street corners for free

as for the social life part, i built my schedule and did my homework such that i had a night or two free every week. also not to be corny but a lot of the homework consisted of group projects, which basically double as social time when you know enough people in the group

tl;dr: good luck + get a stimulant prescription

[9tzuyu]

rest assured, i will be there.

note: i don’t experience this so if anything is wrong at all i’m sorry :(. i tried to do as much research (even watched a short documentary!), but that doesn’t and won’t ever compare to ever having gone through it. i hope this was okay!

oooh fun fact: i put lemonade as one of the drinks because lemons are said to have anti-inflammatory enzymes in it!

also lol writing on a 50mg vyvanse rn when i normally take a 30mg. no wonder im getting shit published #yasss

warnings: none? deals with bodily pain, but idk if that needs a warning!

not thoroughly proofread! any and all mistakes are mine!

prns: they/them

🏷: @c-is-writing my bff and one of my favorite people fr. also this isn’t your gift fic btw, that will hopefully be better than this !!

. . .

you woke up already knowing what kind of day it was going to be. everything hurt – your shoulders, lower back, legs, arms. everything.

and nothing seemed to help.

the night before hadn’t been a pleasant one, but you tried not to worry natasha. she’d given you your meds with a cup lemonade and a half hour long massage until you’d finally reassured her enough that you were okay to sleep.

she stayed up talking to you, trying her best to distract your mind from focusing on the pain. sometimes it helped, other times not so much. the fact that natasha always tried to help you in any way she could never failed to make you feel even just a little bit better though.

when you finally shut your eyes natasha held you close, carefully rubbing your body in the places she knew hurt you the most. she didn’t care at all about losing sleep over you, despite your ongoing protests over it.

you’d almost given up on arguing with her over it because you know natasha wasn’t one to listen when her mind was already set on something or someone.

. . .

there was a scheduled meeting in an hour for the avengers. you wracked your brain for what it could possibly be about, but the days prior that were full of pain had put a temporary block in your mind.

nonetheless, you brushed you teeth, showered and took your meds as per usual. although this time you hoped just a little bit more than yesterday that the rest of today wouldn’t get worse.

“hey sunshine, you’re up.” natasha greeted, a warm smile written over her face. “how are you feeling?”

you shrugged, “i’m okay. still hurting, but i think i can manage.”

the redhead nodded, sympathy pouring from her eyes. “well if it gets worse let me know, okay? we’ve got a meeting in twenty. c’mon, i’ll help you there and i’ll make breakfast when we get back, whatever you want.”

you wanted to be happy, but her lightened mood didn’t help with your unnerving guilt. “i’m sorry you have to put up with this.”

natasha frowned, “no, don’t apologize for anything. you can’t control it and you’re not bothering me, so don’t even let yourself go down that trail of thought.”

“i love you so much,” you whispered into her neck, happy to accept the kiss she placed on your cheek.

“i love you more.”

“that’s impossible.”

“anything’s possible,” she reminded you, arms securely wrapped around your waist.

. . .

halfway through the meeting you were beginning to become hyper aware of how much your body was actually hurting.

you shifted uncomfortably in your chair. natasha’s eyes took notice immediately and she reached for your hand under the table, offering you a gentle squeeze for reassurance.

“now we need to do better on-”

you noticed the pain shooting through your leg all the way into your back and into your shoulders.

“and as you can tell as a team we-”

fury’s voice was fading in and out between trying to focus on the meeting and making failed attempts at blocking out your pain.

it was unbearable, your whole body felt like needles were jabbing at your skin and into your muscles.

“so how do we fix-”

and then it all became too much.

“fuck!”

everyone’s eyes were on you now, curious as to know why you’d shout such a thing in the middle of an important conversation. your eyes began to water, both pain and embarrassment making themselves known.

“i’m sorry i-”

“they need to go to the hospital! i’ll let them explain it later, but for now just continue on with the meeting.” natasha ordered the team before picking you up with both arms.

you don’t remember much on the way to the hospital, or even the admission process. the next thing you knew you were woken up from a fuzzy sleep with natasha by your side.

her head was folded into her arms on your bedside with a soft hold on your hand tucked underneath. her lips lightly grazed over your palm, kisses left behind every two minutes.

“nat?”

she shot up immediately, “hi baby.”

“i missed you even though i was asleep,” you mumbled while natasha giggled, “well i’m here now. i always will be. they’ve got you on some pain medication. it’s a little bit stronger than what you’re used to, but everything’s okay.”

“where’s the team? did you tell them i’m sorry?”

she shook her head, offering you a cup of water to sip on. “no baby, i didn’t. you have nothing to be sorry for, remember?”

“yeah…”

“it’s true.” she reassured, pressing a kiss to your forehead. this only caused you to pout though.

“lips?”

natasha playfully rolled her eyes. “of course, sweetheart.”

“your lips are always so soft. i love it when you kiss me.”

“believe me, i know you do. and you know i love kissing you just as much as you love kissing me.”

“i think i like it a little more than you though, natty.” your dazed smile brought warmth to her heart.

“you keep thinkin’ that,” natasha grinned. “the team’s in the waiting area, would you like for me to tell them what happened? and would you like to see any of them? they’re all really worried, but there’s no pressure of course.”

“you can tell ‘em, and you can let everyone back here.”

“are you sure? it’s okay if you still need to rest. we’ll all be here.”

“i’m sure. i’m okay, nat, thank you though.”

“alright, well i’ll be right back. don’t move or anything just yet.” she instructed before making her wait out of the room.

“i’ll be here.”

[sayrvne]

j

im writing this now because otherwise i will forget. i have a terrible tendancy for needing serious help with my mental health, then getting doctor’s appointments or meetings with my manager at work set up to start it off, then the second it comes to actually Doing the meeting my mind just goes blank of everything that ails me. i need to record how i’m feeling while it’s actually happening so i can relay it to my doctors or boss or whatever bc otherwise i’m like actually i’m normal :)

i really, really need help. i have been spiralling for hours now. on and off, up and down, it gets better then it gets worse again. i need a lot of help in a lot of different places and it will take a long time but i can’t keep going on like this.

first of all i need to talk to the gp, get a doctors appointment and maybe review the meds i’m on. 50mg of sertraline has kept me stable for a while but also life didn’t really throw much shit at me through the middle of 2022, not until winter came about. now that all that has been dumped on me, sertraline is like inflatable armbands while everything else is bricks tied to my legs.

but i need more help than just meds. ideally i need some form of regular counselling or therapy. when i had regular counselling sessions with the psychiatric nurse when i was 18/19, that helped me a lot. i’m open to group therapy too, i know there are a lot of local groups that organise recreational stuff like sport or gardening and shit for mentally ill people. maybe i could find a music group?

similar to that, i need to meet some new people. i feel like i would benefit from more local friends, like a dnd group or something. i feel super isolated because the people who care about me the most live at least a city away, sometimes even a country away. it’s incredibly lonely. the difficulty is that i literally don’t know how to make friends! so this will probably be my biggest challenge of them all.

ideally i need some time off work because that on top of trying to keep my sanity together while also making adjustments and improvements to my life is just Too Fucking Much tbh. i need a real break and not a christmas break where you’re obligated to see 23834 family members and do loads of things, i mean like a break where i can just focus on getting my brain factory reset.

in terms of my physical health, i think i’m on the road to recovery, or at least doing a lot better than i was - in the last couple weeks i was diagnosed with pernicious anaemia which is a hereditary condition that results in a b12 deficiency. that ticks all the boxes for the dizziness, lightheadedness, lethargy and fatigue, the latter two i’ve been experiencing for literally years with no progress.

there was more i wanted to say i think but it’s left my head already. maybe next time i’ll be quick enough to note it all down. though maybe it was for the best