#Yes I promise I'm still working on these
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i recently remembered DickTim Week 2024 is happening very soon and i looked at the prompts again to see if i could get anything out for it and. the Hades & Persephone AU prompt for day 1 has got me really thinking so here's a vague concept i plan to write.
i've been pretty burnt out on modern Hades & Persephone retellings because of how they always seem to fall into the same generic "innocent wide-eyed girl runs from her evil mean mother into the arms of a dark mysterious man because actually she went willingly and chose to marry him" which has gotten repetitive for my tastes. (for clarity i don't care if this retelling is your cup of tea personally, so long as you're not actively trying to rewrite the original myth and claim untrue things about it, if this is your favorite flavor i sincerely hope you enjoy the buffet i just have little interest in it since it feels overdone for me and exhausted of it's supposed commentary atp)
but? but. biblically accurate Hades & Persephone AU has me all kinds of interested. because wait listen so hear me out right. Hades!Dick and Persephone!Tim, obviously. i feel it'd be more loosely inspired by with themes and imagery (though playing with death and nature powers could be interesting, i haven't decided) rather than explicitly making them gods and all. but. something dark and fucked up where Dick and Bruce are especially estranged. maybe to do with Jason's return, maybe to do with them just clashing and having their usual explosive arguments. and Bruce knows the peace needs to be kept, if he and Dick are at odds then everyone starts to pick sides and things just fracture so he needs a peace offering.
and the peace offering is Tim.
Bruce (the stand-in for Zeus) offers up Tim. agrees to have Tim move to Bludhaven and be Dick's... whatever Dick wants him to be. knowing that with the implication comes the likelihood of Dick grooming Tim. and Tim has no real say and is hesitant to put up a real fight. he doesn't want this, he knows what this is going to imply Dick will do to him, but he also knows if he says no things have the possibility to just... fall apart. so he's the unwilling bride, dragged off to the metaphorical underworld (Bludhaven) with Dick, away from his family, his friends, the life he built.
and on the flip side, i think weirdly enough, your best pick for the Demeter stand-in is *Jason*. just, hear me out on that. not necessarily on the side of it being motherly, but on Jason being just estranged enough from the Batfamily to be the one willing to call it out for being bad and wrong and raising bloody hell to get Tim back. maybe it's because Jason wants Tim for himself, maybe it's truly out of a concern for Tim to have autonomy, i'm toying with the idea of it primarily being Tim's POV and him genuinely not knowing which of these is true. (and the truth possibly ends up being a complicated middle ground) and because i like Helena, i think you can use her as the Hekate stand in, the one who strikes a tentative alliance with Jason and tries to go find Tim and bring him back. Tim stuck with Dick, getting groomed and hyperaware of it, possibly even getting fucked the whole time as well, knowing he can't go back without causing massive issues for Dick and Bruce because well, Bruce did promise him to Dick. so he has to adjust his whole life, try to figure out being a vigilante in this new city with Dick breathing down his neck the whole time.
and then much like the ending of the myth, a sort of compromise is struck that's a shaky deal for everyone involved. Tim is put on an essential timeshare, going back and forth between Gotham, where he has friends and family and a support system, then getting dragged right back to Bludhaven with Dick in this brutal cycle that he slowly gets used to and stockholm'd into even liking it. Dick isn't so bad, once he gets used to the quirks of their unbalanced 'relationship'. the sex is even something he can adjust to as well. not quite a happy ending but one that sits in this realistic grey area that becomes Tim's life.
i will write this, eventually, but i don't know if i'll get to it before DickTim Week ends so by posting the idea i'm essentially putting it out into the world so the peer pressure holds me accountable. i just. really like the potential of making Hades/Persephone AUs as fucked up as they can be simply by adhering to the source material and making it a raw story of being stolen away and forced to like this new home you didn't ask for.
also a less fleshed-out aspect of this idea i have ties into Persephone becoming the Queen of the Underworld when she's taken and how the transition from Kore to Persephone could be reflected in Tim. how he makes the best of the worst situation and becomes something far more dangerous and dark when he's in Bludhaven, possibly takes on a new vigilante name/identity and leans into the worst quirks of his personality he tries to tamper because there's no point in not going full tilt Obsessively Weird if he has no choice anyway and it being one small way he takes back his autonomy, and that inevitably making Dick *more* into him, because he gets to see Tim finally just. let loose.
#dicktim#timdick#batcest#necrotic festerings#necrotic works in progress#dicktim week 2024#fandom event#this will be written i've just got a pile of things before it.#i'm mostly posting it so i don't fucking forget about it#i'm also interested in some of the other prompts#day 2 is full of goodies. and day 7.#but the other prompts are probably ideas that'll be shorter and quicker#this one i feel. if i rlly fucking ran with it. could go on to be a novella length idea.#idk how long it'll get when i write it#but there will be smut this i promise you#also i'm respectfully begging y'all pls don't do hades/persephone myth discourse on this post#i really *don't* care if you like romantic retelings i promise. they're just not my vibe#and i also promise i am *incredibly* well read on this myth#if you try to give me the “well in some versions-” argument i'm *going* to get incredibly boring with so many sources.#like i will go step by step through every ancient version of this myth.#i save that discourse for spiritual spaces tho so pls don't drag it here i will combust#anyway making jason the demeter stand in is funny bc greek mythos also does do the incest pretty hard#so like. it still works. it's funny#how long will this take i honestly cannot tell you#depends on if i cave and bump it up in the queue bc it's behind like. four fics i'm so sorry.#but you're welcome to send asks or whatnot to shout at me about this idea and 'yes and' me#that applies to any of my ideas anyone is welcome to 'yes and' that shit#it delights me dearly.#my sole hang up on this rn is how godly do i make it. do i give them powers. or do i just make it vaguely inspired by the myth.#both are fun for their own reasons.
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hello there friends, tonight i present a very special gift to you......
it's the only Peppino clone i've never caused any harm to come to!! take him, he's yours now.
now be gentle with him, he's seen a lot. you wouldn't let anything bad happen to him.............. would you?
#this started off as a different thing but i got bored and did this instead. enjoy your new tiny friend.#sidenote! i'm slightly burnt out right now and taking a few days break from working on my comic! but i promise it's still happening.#just need time to get my brain motivated to work on it more. i want it to turn out as good as possible and working with a dead brain will-#-make that difficult. but it's coming!!!#my art#pizza tower#peppino clone#also uh. yes noodle. you partially helped inspire this.#you better be nice to this one y'hear? you get this One.
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Sorry for the lack of motivation but I love my idiotic butch Shepard.
#yes they are a self insert#sort of#my buff Shepard#mass effect#shepard#my shepard#uuuh Neo Shepard?#Still have to come up with a working name that isn't mine#Have lack of motivation lately I am so sorry for that#promise I'm cooking something up#traditional art#my art
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_____ used Destiny Bond! _____ is hoping to take his attacker down with him!
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(Belatedly) celebrating the one-year anniversary of the 'Destiny Bond' comic with a rare, fully-illustrated piece. A bit of extra context and rambly thoughts under the cut 🫶💖💕
A little over a year ago, I posted the first part of the Destiny Bond comic, originally intended to be a one-off doodle exploring the consequences of Morty's prophetic abilities on his relationship with Eusine.
That sketchy doodle of mine ended up being a whole narrative project spanning across a few months, before I eventually took a pause on it to focus on my mental health (having reached a low earlier in the year).
It was a daring enough project in and of itself, especially with how I had spontaneously taken it on when I was still recovering from a years-long burnout with 2D art. Though (temporarily) stopping sooner than I had hoped, I can confidently say that this little comic project of mine had helped to rekindle my love for drawing as a whole, and had further lead me to meeting some of the most wonderful people and friends in this small corner of the Pokémon fandom (whom also happen to be obsessed with these two silly guys from the GSC/HGSS games). It's a project I hold dearly to my heart, and one that I hope to revisit and continue once I feel ready to do so; as the story has yet to truly kick off (I'm not even joking we're still in the prologue technically I'm yelling /lh).
I hope to be able to share the rest of this story with you all one day, in whatever new form it'll take as. For now, I want to say thank you, from the deepest parts of my heart, for supporting this passion project of mine - and to assure you to tune in for the future of this title. 👀✨
#surprise I'm still active actually . though more on twitter these days ASKJDAHSKJDHAS#ALSO SURPRISE ACTUAL RENDERED PIECE !!!!! 💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥#I fought for my life for this fr I haven't done full shading in Years but I'm honestly really really happy with how this turned out 😭💖💖💖#I'll go into more detail about the design/composition decisions here soon hehe I got really excited about including them#Though I'll save that for another time askjhdajsn for nowww I just wanted the main piece to be the focus of the post 🫶💖💕#also yes as of now the comic's up in the air as I decide how to move forward#I have A Few Ideas though I'll need to take into account my capabilities and schedule (especially with my freelancing work and college)#So stay tuned for that because I promise y'all it isn't stopping there - I have A Lot more planned for our doomed sillies 🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️#I'll also be doing more studies and practice with my art in the meantime because making this opened my eyes to how much I have yet to learn#and that's like . quite terrifying SDKFJSDNFSDNS#but also really exciting !!!!! I wanna improve and build upon my skills and make even better works of these mystic sillies graaaAAAAHHHHHHH#though fr feel free to check out my twt since I'm more active there these days askjdhasnda 🚶♀️🚶♀️🚶♀️#Destiny Bond comic#pokemon#pokemon hgss#pokemon gsc#gym leader morty#morty pokemon#eusine#mystery man eusine#eusine pokemon#sacredshipping#morty x eusine#minamatsu#pokemon art#art
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one fun thing about hhau is the way scar and grian tease kane about animals he doesn't know.
cats are scary to kane! he thinks they're monsters with teeth and claws (he learns scar has a scar from one) (and it's impressive that scar actually tamed the cat!!!) the scarfakins painting is not helpful.
but then they mention gerbils and scar describes it as this deadly creature with teeth too big for its face that, unlike a cat, snaps at any threat and there's no escape, and kane is terrified.
it's so fun.
#hhau#sillies#for once this isn't angst#vex arc shenanigans#nico kind of catches on sooner and figures out they're just playing things up#and he very much plays along#for shits and giggles#and yes i'm still working on proofreading those immensely long rambles i promised#i had a shitty day so it's going very slow#but working on it!!!
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so. the line of tape. it's existence makes me lose my marbles to no end, but probably not in the way you'd expect. it's the fact that even with this clear divide they STILL spill over into the others space. i've see a lot of people talk about it as if it's this clear divide in the lab that hermann and newt steer clear from but that just isnt the case!
if it was, you'd expect the lab to look something like this layout
but look at the actual movie
it looks like more akin to something like this
newt's samples, tables, and stands for his dissection tools spill over the line right into hermann's space. there's definitely room on his side of the lab for everything, he's just. spread out across the entire lab instead. AND it seems like this is what the lab usually looks like, hermann only makes to point out the entrails on his side and not the rest of newts things, it's a shared space— not a divided one. what i'm saying is that even though hermann makes a big deal out of his side of the lab versus newts side vis-à-vis the intestines, he definitely doesn't care that much about separating himself from newt OR his space from newts space in general. the way i see it, they argue and bicker a lot but ultimately they find comfort in the others presence, hermann just doesn't want to deal with potentially-hazardous kaiju intestines right by his things ^^;
#pacific rim#pacrim#newmann#hermann gottlieb#newt geiszler#newton geiszler#benny beeps#should i tag this as newmann?????? unsure but im tagging it anyway because the intent is there#also yes i spent way too long illustrating the floor in a stylized and simplified yet faithful manner— what of it#anyway i love them and i'm thinking of them always#shoutout to gay scientists#and also to my friend toad for being willing to talk to me about these guys so often ^^#AND ALSO TO MY FRIEND ATLAS. because he read me the most beautiful think piece about pacrim that he wrote the other day#and im still thinking about it#and one more shoutout to everyone who's interacted with me irl in the year of 2023#because i have not been able to reel in my hyperfixation infodump terror radius at all ffdgjkdlkjg#anywho. uh. have a nice day/night if you're reading this!!!! i'm still working on those fic recs i promise!!!!#just taking longer than expected fjdlfgk i wanna make sure i do each fic justice
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THAT'S 60,000 WORDS LET'S FUCKING GOOOOOOOOO!!
#RAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH#I might write a little bit more this weekend we'll see cause I may be busy#current status on chapter two: beginning portion edited and good#still working on editing the smut and#I don't know if it's just taking forever or if I added way too much to the scene where you jerk aki off#because why am I still working on that segment#you haven't even slurped on it yet#editing the rest of the smut is sure too take just as long though because after this scene#everything is pretty much rough outline mode#so there's a lot of work that needs to be done#I've also started working on the ending#I'm about halfway done with the rough draft for it#I figured out what I want to do with it I think#at this point I think I will certainly get close to 70k words but I'm not quite sure yet if I'll actually break that barrier#there's a ton that needs to be added to the second half of the chapter though so it's definitely possible#and I still can't say when exactly I'll be done#my current hope is to release the second chapter about three weeks after the first#is that good? is that too long???#you promised you'd be willing to wait didn't you... yes I'm talking to you....#I'm starting to gain a little more confidence in the second chapter after working on it more#gonna have my bestie read it when I'm done so she can affirm that I am indeed not a failure#ok I've talked too much#aki sex. soon. aki sex
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again and again i find myself lamenting that audio roleplay isn't taken more seriously by some people. like yeah, they often have a romantic element, and by nature they usually directly involve/address the listener- and i totally get that those things aren't to everyone's taste. no art or entertainment is universally appealing, and that's okay! but.. it still makes me a lil sad that the "cringe" reputation of asmr/audio rp precedes it. there's a whole lot of talent and creativity being poured into these audios by so many people that i feel goes unrecognized and/or disrespected simply due to the medium that the stories are being told through.
#this post brought to you by: me bingeing Sam & Darlin's entire storyline over the past few days and having a Lot of feelings abt it#asmr#audio roleplay#rp audio stuff#redacted audio#anyways i don't have a conclusion to this post. and i'm not Mad or Upset or anything i'm just thinkin' out loud#and i mean it's not like it doesn't get plenty of praise within its respective audience bc it does. at least for the more popular creators#but i feel it'll still always have the shadow of its cringe reputation looming over it#which makes it hard for some ppl to openly appreciate or share with others that aren't already fans of the medium#like do u know how many comments i've seen along the lines of 'this is great but i'd die if anyone knew i liked this kinda stuff' ?? :(#idk maybe i feel strongly about it bc i'm a self-insert fanfic writer. and i feel like the two have a lot in common. including a bad rep.#like. not every audio will be well-written or produced and neither will every fanfic. but that doesn't mean it's a less legitimate artform#and i'm lucky to have never (yet) received negative comments on my work. but that doesn't mean that it doesn't make me sigh when people-#-say shit like 'this reads like fanfiction' as a way of calling something bad. or other similar sentiments that make the same implication#and i wouldn't be surprised if audio creators feel the same way when they encounter certain comments or statements#like. those YT videos where ppl will 'try bf asmr for the first time' or whatever and it's just 20 mins of cringing and over-reacting? eugh#tbf i haven't watched many bc why do that to myself. so Maybe there's some that are respectful but still. imagine getting roasted like that#and yes yes i know that by posting stuff online you're inadvertently sighing up to be criticized by Anyone but still. man. i dunno#i'm going on a tangent but my point is. i'm grateful for the creators that still make their art in spite of the public's perception of it#bc some of the most impactful emotional experiences i've ever gained from fiction took place in audio rp and i'm so serious abt that.#anyways. this post almost feels like i'm 'making up a person to be mad at' but i promise it's not that serious i'm just yapping. mostly.#certainly not trying to start any kind of debate or anything either i just have a lot of fixation-induced energy and nowhere to put it#this is Eric's fault (/lh) for cooking Sam up in a lab catered exactly to my taste and making Darlin' waaaaay too painfully relatable#but it's also My fault for bingeing the Inversion /and/ the Quinn arc /and/ the Summit all within a couple days. but i can't help myself#feels like i've run an emotional marathon. triathlon. The Emotional Olympics if u will. i'm feeling Everything#who knew that beating the shit out of ur fictional abuser could feel so goddamn cathartic! it's a nice replacement when u can't do it irl#anyways i'm off on a tangent again. thanks for coming to my TED Talk i'm gonna crawl back in my hole now#actually i'm gonna go relisten to a few audios. as Research for my Sam & Darlin' playlist as well as a post i'll be making about it soon#u Know i've got it bad when i not only make a playlist but start Posting on here about the songs that remind me of them. i'm cooked guys.
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twitter trend again
y'all know this. it's all over twitter rn.
original post here
#i fuckibg HATE THIS SO MUCH#i don't even know why. it's a nice drawing !!#edit: no it's not#i'm absolutely done with this i don't want to know ANYTHING about it#that's why i'm posting it here! because no one ever sees whatever i post here /pos#vargas#zarla s#vargas zarla#edgar vargas#scriabin vargas#i changed the colors like a hundred times but i still didn't like it#yes i still posted it. i spent days on this to not do it#i fucking hate this i can´t believe it i'm so sad#it's one of those drawings i need to tilt my head to like it#that doesn't make any sense#yes it does#no it actually doesn't#i'm so disappointed#sighhhh#i promise the drawing i'm working on rn is way better than this#did i. already say. that i hate this.#because i do#ugly crying#uwaaaaaaa#i don't even know what i'm writing anymore man#i just want to go to sleep#sunny's art
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Last night I had a dream about a very AU byler fic idea in which Mike was a binary trans man and coming to terms with that in the late 80s/early 90s (none of the UD stuff happens, El is actually Hop's daughter, etc. etc. etc.) after seeing an interview with a trans man on TV, while at the same time Will has been incredibly confused for years because he's very much gay but likes his best friend (who he thinks is a girl) and decides he needs to come clean about his sexuality and general confusion after they start dating after senior prom. They both have parallel identity crises triggered by this relationship, (sorta) come out to each other, and then try to navigate this thing between them and who they are as individuals. And it's just beautiful and stressful and heartwarming but also heartbreaking and god fucking damn it I need to write this don't I?
#oh god here I go starting another WIP#I've been watching a lot of historical interviews with trans men from the 80s-90s and I feel inspired lol#yes I swear I'm still working on my other fics I promise#my writing ramblings#my posts
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Figures that I finally hit my stride with writing just when it's time for me to stop and get ready to go somewhere... 😒😫
#Writing#Yes I am still working on TLAWR#I'm working on it I promise!#Hopefully the spell won't be broken by the time I actually have more time to write... 😅😭
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Fundywastaken scribble
#bunbunart#dream smp#digital sketch#fundywastaken#my artwork#c!dream#c!fundy#dreamwastaken#itsfundy#yes i still like them#and i am working on the script of the comic i promised while i'm sending this#my personal occupation won't stop me on writting/drawing abt gay men
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warning cringe venting/rambling about stress and trip planning and hair under the cut
I had a total breakdown after work yesterday
like...dry heaving sobbing into my knees on the floor kind of breakdown
not about the hair…ok yes it was about the hair but not entirely, I've been stressed about a lot of things and the hair change was just what finally set the emotional bomb off
I've had a crapload of anxiety about my trip for weeks (which looking back now I've definitely been suppressing too much, and that was a mistake) bc it's my first time flying/traveling alone, and overseas to boot
Thinking about stuff like, will I forget some crucial papers/tickets/passwords etc and be unable to do fun stuff, will I have a panic attack on the flights despite my meds, will I have some freak accident and end up in hospital over there, will my cat still like me when I get back, will I fit in with enough of his other fans. Will i come back the same person or changed for the better, or for the worse...they all scare me equally.
And I worked my fucking ass off in order to be able to afford everything I'm going to do without going into a ton of debt. Which really did a fucking number on me mentally.....but for almost a year I've told myself it would all be worth it, bc I'd be overwhelmed with joy when I *finally* see that beautiful bowlcut boy in front of me, just as I was filled with joy when I first saw him peeking out of that box
I planned my trip under the loose assumption that the album would be out (or almost out) by this point and I'd be able to celebrate that with people. I got even more excited for this after Böle bc I figured that was the template for everything going forward, and I loved everything I saw-I loved the staging, I loved the new songs, I loved his outfit, I loved the almost bird-esque styling he was doing with the front of the bowlcut
But now....I don't know what the actual fuck he's doing.
I'll be on the (first) plane in a little less than 48 hours and I just feel like the universe is playing some sick joke on me - in less than a week he's gone from someone I would abandon feminism for (I joke) to Some Guy I would be actively avoiding at public events (based on a few unfortunate past experiences with individuals who resembled this, not entirely a joke). Not his fault, I know, and nothing to do with his actual personality of course, which I’m *well aware* is lovely. But that's my reality 🤷🏻♀️ and it’s incredibly jarring and not in a good way, and sure as hell not at a good time
And as I said it’s not just about the hair, I feel sick thinking about how much time and money and effort I've put into planning things - esp. gig outfits which I was basing off of the purple/green suit.....and I don't even know if there was any point to that now, bc is he even going to wear it? Again, not specifically *his* fault. But I’m miffed, to say the least.
It feels so incredibly rare these days that I can share a deeply passionate long-term interest with others. I feel like this whole...thing has been a perfect example of how much I struggle with FOMO....with feeling like I'm always left behind. And even when I try my hardest to catch up I can never quite make it before people have moved on to something different.
I know my reaction seems way over-dramatic to some but I just gently ask that you imagine how I feel watching countless people essentially drop by Finland on their free weekends or time off to see him once, or twice, or three times, or five times, or twenty freaking times over the past year, while I’ve had to move heaven and earth for the chance to see him even once (and I'm not trying to generalize, I know for various reasons a lot of you have also been unable to see him still, and I really hope that changes soon <3 especially if you *do* like this look)
The point is that I just wanted to experience the “classic” Kä ONCE! I didn't even plan on going to multiple shows until it became a thing for Summer Camp!! Just ONCE! He could copy the Daltons and go bald after that for all I care!!
He's 100% allowed to style himself however he wants - if I weren't in the *very particular situation* I'm in I'm sure I would be more open to the change although I still hate this particular shade of blonde and think there are much better options but whatever.But I’m allowed to be disappointed when I’ve spent literal thousands of dollars-and will be spending more-to make seeing him a reality. I've had so much bad luck and bad timing already this year and this just took the freaking cake. And again that's not *his* fault, I know. But fuck, am I sad. I just wanted something, anything to go according to plan for me this year.
I know I'll still have a great time - I'm excited to meet and hang out with everyone, and I'm excited to do touristy things and I’m still excited for all the great music I’m going to hear. I'm just venting now bc I don't want to be such a downer when I meet everyone in person.
....now watch me completely clown myself if this really is just for Traffic and he goes back to black in a couple weeks - and I will so very happily wear that clown suit lmao, you can all buy me one if you find one
#I honestly would have much preferred to lose the bolero over the cut lmao#also if you think smoking is hot that's great and I'm so happy for you :)#unfortunately where I'm from it has been considered neither hot nor “cool” for over a decade and that's just how things are :)#and yes I’m perhaps a little biased#considering my best interactions with smokers have typically involved them harassing me :)#or dumping their still lit cigarette butts right by my bike tires when it’s parked outside at work :)#or at my feet (bonus points if they spit too) :)#the nicotine itself is not actually the problem :)#it’s the *culture* of ciggy smokers around here that makes it so unappealing :)#but you do you :)#and if whatever tf he's doing has grown on you I'm also very happy for you#and I sincerely hope I can join you sooner rather than later#i'm just not making any promises#not tagging him so no one has to look at my horrendous bullying/s
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#literally BEGGING everyone I work with to understand that I do in fact have two jobs and while yes I would eventually like to be able to do#the freelance one full time that is not currently feasible so the other one does have to come first and i'm sorry but my schedule is wack so#yes i do work five days a week and yes i do sometimes work weekends and yes that does mean i can sometimes be a bit hard to get a hold of#but i promise i will do the work for the freelance job you just have to trust that when i say i can do it on thursday i will do it on#thursday and you also have to understand that when i say i can do it on thursday that usually means i cannot do it UNTIL thursday so you m#cannot get mad when i say i will do it on thursday and it's only monday but you're impatient and want it done today and i reply that i still#cannot do it until thursday#ALSO when we agree on a certain price for me to do a certain amount of things you HAVE to understand that when you suddenly want me to do#more things i WILL raise the price
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LTL Harry: I'm never speaking to Remus again, he can go fuck off to Antarctica for all I care, hope he drowns.
LTL Wolfstar:
For filth, you say?
#also LTL Harry: OKAY BUT IS HE OKAY#NOT THAT I CARE OR ANYTHING#Sirius over here like ah yes#my master plan is working#sneaky bastard lol#meanwhile remus in the back like#just let the boy be mad at me ffs#i earned it#Sirius: no#Remus: 😐 y tho#literally like a man begging his dog to drop it#anyway they both love him a lot#Remus just has the big dumb#and Harry is Fifteen#and Sirius has a migraine lol#LTL ch 20#which I'm definitely still writing promise#lp writes#hp
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8i've been thinking about the last asks i got today. and i think it's better for me to take a step back from this account. i know the anon didn't mean anything by it, but i still feel like i am being a negative presence on here and weirding people out with who i am is nothing i want. so, i am not deleting or anything. i am just gonna be less present with sharing personal things or leaving tags. I'll probably be more active on my second account where i don't have that many followers :)
#i guess it affected me more than i'd like to#i don't want to make people uncomfortable#and i am sorry if i did that with any of my posts i know they have been overly emotional and maybe a bit insane#it's true that i am trying to deal with losing and finding peace i am not very good at this due to my intense emotions#and my fear of loneliness and losing people. i am also in a very bad depressive episode. i am aware that this isn't an excuse for any#of my behavior. i never had a support system so dealing with all this on my own and getting no therapist who is willing to see you#it's a downer. guilt is eating me alive and my mental condition is the something that has ruined a lot for me but it has never before done#such a terrible job before. recovering from that and dealing with the aftermath of this is exhausting and has taken a toll on my physical#and mental health i know this post doesn't mean anything to most of all and is at best confusing but i guess it's my poor attempt#of avoiding that people will hate me. i don't want to self-pity more than i already did. but i do that all on my own already.#i know that life is so much more difficult than fiction and you can't expect miracles or believe in faith to fix anything#i know there is no cure to who i am. i can only try to navigate it better in the future. it doesn't mean that i can't regret what i did.#that i can't feel guilty about it. i know that won't change anything but i am also trying to get better and i understand if that's not#visible. i just have to believe that one day it will be enough for people to say 'hey. i know you are fucked up.#and you hurt me and you've been a bitch. but we'll work on it. i believe in you.' otherwise i have to believe that this loneliness#is all there is and that i'm gonna die hollow#i don't want much. i just want some patience and peace#i want to believe that i am worthy of love and that i can get a future. and yes. me talking about wanting a wife and this stupid apple pie#life... maybe it's cliche and stupid but i have been alone for years and i am so tired of fighting. is it so bad that i don't want to do#this alone? and that goes for friends as well. i want to cook for people built things and tend to a garden to take care of animals#and to create instead of destroying for once.#i don't know why i am still writing i guess when the dam breaks... again. i am sorry for ever making people uncomfortable or even hurting#them that was never my intention. i promise#so i really hope. whoever is reading this. i hope you are doing alright. i hope you had/have a good day. tell the people you care about#you love them and enjoy the little things. read that book. eat that chocolate or do whatever brings you joy. the world is so difficult to#navigate but you are doing such a great job by just existing. you are making this world a better place with the light you radiate#the last thing I want to do something I never can forgive myself for is hurting people#not only but especially the ones I care about. but beyond that those I barely know too because I care about you guys too#I just don't want that... I want to leave the world better than I found it but I'm having a hard time doing it due to this stupid fucking#brain of mine.
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