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carlyraejcpsen · 3 years

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alright, i’ve tried to keep quiet because i truly believe in karma and wanted this rp to close through the admin’s own actions and not give them any opportunities to blame it on me instead. it also felt like beating a dead horse, because i was sure they’d close the rp after losing a huge proportion of their active members and the majority of their diversity. however, after seeing multiple people sharing their experiences today, they are still posting promo posts and starting their event. so yeah, here’s my experience with @thevillagerp

NOTE: i no longer have screenshots from my conversations with the admins, as i blocked them when i left the rp for the sake of my own mental health, but i did save the text in my drafts, so the messages below are copy pasted. i have not edited them in any way. They also deleted my original anonymous messages off of their blog.

TRIGGER WARNINGS: racism, very vague allusions to homophobia and transphobia

so i was a member of this roleplay for around two months. during my time there, it was startlingly obvious that white fcs were preferred and prioritised, both from the fact that they got more plots and interactions in general and from the fact that admins never promoted diversity on the main. even now, they repeatedly say they “would still love to receive some more male and non-binary apps” while ignoring that they currently have a ratio of 8 fcs of colour to 24 white fcs. their diversity rules at the time were that 1/3 of a mun’s characters had to be played by an fcoc. so people could easily just play one or two white characters.

a while ago, i sent an anonymous message to the main asking if they had considered perhaps changing this rule to be 2/3 characters instead of 1/3, since there were so few muses of colour in the roleplay (as i said before, they’ve since deleted this from their blog so i cannot provide a screenshot). they responded that they had been thinking of upping the character limit to four instead of three, with a rule that 2/4 must be played by an fcoc. i gave them the benefit of the doubt and the time to enact this change, but nothing happened.

so a few weeks later, i sent them this message on anonymous:

I was wondering if you had thought any more about the diversity rules here? I know you said before that you were considering increasing the character limit, but I noticed that hasn’t happened and I wanted to know if that was a change we’re going to see or if you would consider changing the rules in another way? I’m really disheartened by the lack of diversity in the roleplay

at the time there were 18 characters of colour out of a total of over 60. they responded (again, i’m sorry i don’t have the actual wording since they’ve deleted the messages) that they had thought about it and decided against upping the character limit, but instead would be having a weekly “poc acceptance day,” where they would only be accepting apps with fcs of colour. they also said they were doing this “now that the waitlist was mostly cleared,” which meant that the rp was mostly at capacity anyway, so they needed to look more at how to encourage their existing members to promote diversity, since there weren’t spaces open for new people to bring them in.

i responded with another anon expressing my disappointment and pointing out that they had done more to prevent having too many celebrity characters than too few muses of colour, as at the time they had a ban on celebrity muses. i wouldn’t usually suggest a ban on certain fcs, but as it was something they had done for celebrity characters, then i supposed it was a reasonable option.

they didn’t even respond to this message and instead posted on the main asking me to come off anon to discuss it. so i did, and i sent them the following dm:

i didn’t want to come off anon because i honestly feel really ostracised in this group and didn’t want to make it worse, but i don’t want to drop this issue and you aren’t comfortable addressing it publicly so here we are i guess. like i said in my previous message, i really don’t see how a “poc acceptance day” is going to make anywhere near enough of a difference. people will just wait for the opportunity to play their white characters. there are only 18 characters of colour in a roleplay with over 60 characters. that’s less than a third, which is obviously concerning. what’s even more concerning for me is that these characters are more often than not overlooked. i am often ghosted when plotting, or people don’t even reach out at all when i like plotting calls or intro posts. and then i have to watch characters like leo almost exclusively interact with white women (i’m sure that’s not the only example, but it is the first that comes to mind as he is one of the more active characters).

so this issue goes so much deeper than there just not being adequate representation in the rp. i really tried to help, i suggested making it a rule that 2/3 characters need to be poc in my original ask and you mentioned upping the character limit in response. i was worried that my concerns were being brushed aside, but i waited a while to give you the benefit of the doubt and the space to discuss the issue. so you can understand why it was really upsetting today to learn that the one thing you suggested was dropped and instead replaced with something that is barely scratching the surface of the problem. and i don’t know if it was your intention, but by saying that you were waiting for the waitlist to clear, it comes across as not wanting to receive any backlash from people who would want to join with only white characters. and even if people did want to join with faceclaims of colour, they can’t because the waitlist is cleared. like i suggested, you could change the rules so that 2 out of 3 characters must be people of colour. or, as was your proposed idea, up the character limit to four. you could also put a temporary ban on white faceclaims until the ratio evens out. as i mentioned, it’s really distressing that this was something you were willing to do for celebrity characters, but not to aid diversity.

i also just want to make it clear that these have been the only anons i’ve sent, i know you’ve been getting other ones, but those weren’t from me!!

( for context, they were receiving anons from someone else claiming that they felt left out in the rp ).

i had hoped that coming off anon would show them that this was a very real issue which was affecting their members, as well as giving them a space to discuss it privately instead of on the main. they responded with:

Hi Em, thank you for coming forward. We really, really appreciate it and we understand it’s not an easy thing to do. We also appreciate you flying the flag for diversity so strongly. We can always strive to be better, we are on the same page with you here.

Let us just explain our decision making. Firstly, just to address the waitlist, that was certainly not at all our intention when we brought it up. It was a logistical decision with 5+ applicants having already waited a week for acceptance and aware of their position on a waitlist.

When we decided against upping the character limit (and therefore the 2/4 POC character rule), we thought a POC acceptance day could be a good alternative course of action. In our eyes, this was something that would probably bring more POC characters to the group than the 2/4 rule because we knew there weren’t going to be many muns taking up an additional fourth character. This was a rule we’ve seen other groups enjoy success from so we wanted to try it out here. Plus, we think a day that explicitly highlights diversity every week would bring the message to the forefront of everyone’s minds. As we said, we’re going to monitor this over the next couple of weeks to see if it brings any improvement because we’d really like to have it as an ongoing rule.

The non-POC ban is actually a measure we’ve spoken about too and we are considering putting one in place should this fail. Thank you for raising your concerns, know that we’ve taken them very seriously and we hope that you’ll trust our judgement in trying this rule out first to see where it leads.

first of all, i don’t think i even have to mention the wording of “flying the flag for diversity.” but the real crux of the issue here is that they supposedly wanted me to come off anon to discuss the issue, but instead just explained their idea further and didn’t take anything i said on board. they didn’t even say a single word about how i told them i felt ostracised and regularly got ignored. i knew from speaking to other muns in the rp who played muses of colour (and just from looking at the dash) that they felt the same way too, but of course was only speaking from my own experience.

i thought long and hard about how to respond to this, as i was so disheartened by their unwillingness to listen to their members and the fact that they didn’t care that i felt left out. it felt like they had asked me to come off anon just so they knew who was messaging them and therefore put a target on my back, so honestly the thought of being on the dash or talking to the admins made me incredibly anxious. before i had a chance, however, they responded again with:

Hi hun, we’ve continued discussing this issue over the last couple of days and we wanted to let you know that we’ve decided to put in place a non-POC ban instead. Thank you again for holding a mirror up to the group. We do hope that this will recorrect the balance.

so i waited to see how things would play out. they posted about this new ban here and pinned the post to the top of the main:

[ IMAGE ID: a screenshot from thevillagehq of an admin update, which reads: in the interest of keeping the village a diverse space, we are currently only accepting applications for POCs. please note that any apps or reserves submitted to us for faceclaims that are not POCs will be deleted. we will lift this rule once we see fit.

thank you for your understanding and your efforts in making this group a brighter, more inclusive and diverse place for all. /END ID ]

this rule remained in place for around two weeks, during which time they made almost no effort to promote it. the above post was pinned to the main page, but that was the only mention of the ban anywhere on their page, they didn’t update the rules page or even put a note on the application page about it. during this two week period, the admins posted 10 promo posts, none of which suggested fcs or even mentioned the ban or diversity at all. the ban was then lifted suddenly when the pinned post was removed and the admins just went back to accepting apps with white fcs. the ratio had only evened out in those two weeks (from 18 out of 65 to 24/50) because of people going inactive or leaving, and there was nothing put into place to continue to promote diversity after the lift of the ban. in the three days after the ban was lifted, the admins posted over 10 promo posts, the same amount they had posted during the entirety of the ban. it was clear that they had no intention of actually making changes in their rp and had only done so because i refused to drop the issue.

again, i thought a lot about what i wanted to message them. i knew at this point that they didn’t want to make any real changes, but i still felt like i had to make it clear to them how disappointing their actions were. once again, i was messaged before i even had a chance, this time for bubbling.

as you can see in the above correspondence, i had told the admins point blank that i felt left out and ignored in the rp because of the characters i played (aubrey plaza, mj rodriguez and keiynan lonsdale fcs. all of my characters were queer and used either she/they or they/them pronouns). as a general rule, the only people who wanted to write with me and have interesting plots with me were people who played other muses of colour. the rp had a rule that you must reply to 3+ muns on every character, which i had been doing. i had only been back from my hiatus for a few days at this point and had responded to 6 different open starters the day prior. their message to me read:

Hi hun. There’s something we wanted to address to you directly. It’s been expressed to us by multiple members during these last few weeks that they have felt excluded by your character within the group, especially when it comes to the friend bubble that has formed between Mars, Bowie, Luvena, Asher and others.

While we encourage the development of friendships and trust that this isn’t intentional, we have a zero tolerance for bubble roleplaying at The Village. We are aware that our three mun activity rules have been met by all parties involved, however, bubbling is usually a little more nuanced than that and it seems it has unfortunately begun to create a bit of a divide within the group.

We have already issued individual warnings to a few people within the bubble, however with multiple members still expressing their concerns to us, we decided it would be better to address the group as a whole. We hope that by pointing this out to you, you will try and branch out to your fellow members a little more from now on - and try and be a little more inclusive when it comes to everyone else in the group.

We take such matters very seriously as admins, and while we hope it won’t have to come to this, there will be consequential steps taken should we not see any changes in your interactions in the weeks to come.

as you can imagine, i was incredibly upset to receive this message after already telling them i didn’t get plots from many of their members and they had done nothing. even people who i had previously messaged continued to only write with the same few white characters. i don’t deny that we definitely had a friendship group between our characters, but there were multiple people in that roleplay, including the admins, who only cared about ship plots or plots with the same few muns. me and other people who received the same message had all previously told the admins that people aren’t plotting with us and gotten ignored, so receiving this message made it clear that they neither cared about us nor wanted us in their rp. and so i responded as below:

yeah i literally told you i felt left out because there are multiple people only writing with white characters and you never addressed it, so this message is honestly insulting. i have reached out to almost every new member, responded to multiple open starters and have tried to plot with as many people as possible. like i told you, i am often left on read or people don’t even message me at all. if people do message me, i am usually expected to put in all of the effort and if people aren’t interested in actually developing plots with me then i am obviously not going to force my characters on them. all of my characters are queer, non binary people of colour and the harsh truth of this roleplay is that people don’t care about them. i even wrote out a whole list of 20 detailed suggested connections in an attempt to get more plots and nothing came from that either. i’ve even gotten anonymous hate saying that offering to explain my characters’ pronouns was “patronising,” which i didn’t feel like i could approach you about because, when i told you about how i’m feeling excluded, you didn’t care.

so if i only have actual plots with the people who actually care about my characters, i make no apologies. i also don’t even have threads with half of the characters you named, asher being the only one, and have literally only just come off hiatus. so please explain how i am bubbling, because this really just feels targeted at this point.

you’ve made it endlessly clear that this rp isn’t a safe space for people who want to play diverse characters. the main was practically silent while you had a ban on white faceclaims, which you never actively promoted, and then you dropped that suddenly without putting anything else in place. you also deleted my initial anonymous messages asking about diversity as if you were trying to hide that there was ever an issue. you turned anonymous messages off, so that no one can safely criticise you. because i did that off anon and ever since it has felt like there is a massive target on my back. my characters have been “accidentally” on the activity checks multiple times despite me being on hiatus (people get a notification that they were tagged even if you remove their name from the list btw). plus when i asked for an extension on my hiatus, you said that you would allow it “just this once” which now makes me feel like i can’t come to you if i’m busy. right now, for example, i am in the middle of moving house, but i’m also stressed about trying to stay active because you have made yourselves completely unapproachable.

the ratio only evened out slightly because members left. then suddenly after the ban you’re posting multiple promo posts a day??? you couldn’t get more obvious. i came to you about diversity in good faith, hoping that it was something you were unaware of, but you have made it abundantly clear that you actively do not want to promote diversity in your roleplay, we are just here to be witnesses to your ship. there are multiple members who are actually bubbling who have been brought to your attention, but nothing has been done. leo continues to only write with the same three white and white passing characters. charlotte pretty much only appears to write with leo and post a vague “message me for plots” post that wasn’t even tagged. both of you only put effort into your ship threads with each other and the occasional text threads. even with something like group events: while i’ve been here, there’s been a pride event that neither of your characters were even in new york for (an event where i was the only one reaching out and posting multiple starters, by the way); there was no event last month, and this month all you’re talking about is this housewarming party.

i’m really disheartened that it’s come to this, but i can’t be here anymore. please post unfollows for all my characters. you’ve said multiple times that we should trust you as admins, but this message shows again that i simply can’t do that. from the disregard of trigger warnings, to the way you treated being held accountable for the lack of diversity, to how you respond to people asking for hiatuses, this isn’t a safe space. even if i stayed, the target you have placed on me is making it insufferable to just write my characters in peace.

the other muns who received the same bubbling message (copy pasted btw, we all got the same one word for word) all responded with their own concerns and criticisms in responses of a similar length to mine. none of us received a reply, our unfollows were just posted the next day without any further responses from the admins. a few of the other members who had written and plotted with us chose to leave as well, which the admins wrote off as us just dragging them with us as opposed to them being able to make their own decisions and being aware of the situation (which was incredibly obvious. no promotion of a white fc ban, suddenly being active on the main once they try to stealthily drop the ban, then the majority of their muses of colour leaving???)

i haven’t paid the rp much attention since i left, as i mentioned above i blocked the main and the majority of the members just for my own mental health. but from a quick scroll through today i can see that the only change in diversity rules is that now instead of your third character having to be a poc, it is now your second. however, you still only have to have 1 character out of 3 have a fc of colour. so very little has been done, but of course i’m not surprised in the slightist.

these admins don’t want diversity in their roleplay. if you play any character who isn’t a rich, white, cishet neurotypical, please avoid it at all costs. it’s not in any way a safe environment.

#rpc #rpt #rp #thevillagerp #hope this makes sense i think there's a lot that needs context and hopefully i did a good enough job explaining #sorry to my non rp followers this blog is such a mess

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alldayangst · 4 years

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gold rush (Tom Holland)

All of my fics are LGBT and PoC friendly. Inspired by gold rush by Taylor Swift. Everybody wants Tom, but you don’t like a gold rush. WC: 2.7K words.

“Y/N, I just wanted to say again, thank you for coming in today and doing this for us.” Tom’s dad, Dominic, said as he displaced papers across desks, earl grey swaying like an angry lake in his mug. Approaching footsteps hinted that the star of the show was soon to be hold. In other words, Tom was running behind.

The door creaked and light from the corridor crept through like Sun peeping through curtains of the Night. It refusing to shut after Tom budged and pushed was maybe divine punishment for him being so late, and maybe provided the bit of laughter you needed after rolling out of bed at 6am for this, for him. When the door eventually did close, Tom turned around and saw you in all your glory; much taller than he remembered, more assured than he’d imagined, and more gorgeous than drowned out and half forgotten memories of you could ever fabricate.

You and Tom ran in the same social circles, but hadn’t seen each other since Tom’s career imploded when you were both nineteen. As much as Tom felt he owed his heart and soul to the UK, he maintained an almost permanent fixture on the States. It started to feel like his trips back to England were in fact actual holiday. At one point, you were in love with Tom, but meeting became a constant battle of ‘here, not there’ and your heart grew tired of the duck and goose chase. The gravity of the situation was too much for you, whom hadn’t even tasted their twenties yet.

“Y/N!” Tom launched at you and held you in tight embrace. You let go of the hug, but he didn’t. And his dad watched on in momentary awe as you wrapped your arms around Tom once again, who breathed in every part of you with unwavering adoration.

“Tom!” You rubbed along his back as he hummed. “When I was told we were gonna have a ghost writer, I had no idea it was gonna be you.”

Tom and his dad (being an author) were collaborating on a book, a million dollar idea that’d been years in the making. Tom had stalled it, his dad told you out of simple insecurity. Now that the world was a stage, he was worried people would criticise his dyslexia with every line he wrote, that every stroke of his pen would reveal him as a rare type of monster that lacked intellect, he pondered that he wasn’t insightful enough in some way. His dad may have written a book about Tom outfaming him, but Tom felt like he’d always live in Dom’s shadow in this respect. Fresh from Oxford with an English Bachelor’s degree, Dom employed you to get grease on the gears to commence writing. Tom had always come out of his shell when you were around.

Your writing session lasted from 8 til noon, when Tom had promo with LadBible or Entertainment Weekly or whoever had bid the highest from his presence that day.

The door swung open and three men in all black and mics saddled around their waists called for and led Tom out of the room.

“Tom, session’s over. We need to get you to your BBC promo in 30 and we’re already running behind schedule.’ One cloaked Tom in a jacket you were sure was more expensive than your own home and another whispered something into a walkie talkie: “Holland is on the move. Check the back entrance is clear.” With that, Tom rose to his feet and left completely opposite of the way you came in. Without a word, no goodbye.

You and Dom left the building together around ten minutes later, where ten men with large cameras stood, lenses focused on you, glaring at you, not sure what to make of you. One of the men screams “Hey! You dating Tom Holland” and after that all you hear is clicks and all you see is bright flashing lights and Dom clenches your hand and leads you to your taxi cab.

The next time you see Tom is sooner than expected. The Hollands were hosting a last minute dinner party and you found yourself sitting opposite Tom, feeling his hard, hot and heavy gaze on you. The tension in the room was so thick not even a chainsaw cut through.

“Next topic,” You picked up a card from the deck and read it aloud. “Politics!” You said devilishly as you sip on what was left of the white wine in your cup, and now that your thought process is blurred; Tom’s longing gaze puts you at dismay.

“Fuck!” Harry exploded, and you hear their mother hiss. “Fuck I hate politics, there’s no making it out alive!” he remarked as he drummed on the table cloth, drunken excitement brewing a new energy in the room.

You go on like this for hours until dinner party is dinner party no more. And while Dom, Nikki and all of Tom’s siblings have chosen to exit stage left, it’s 1am and you and Tom have yet to leave the scene.

Tom sets down your deck of debate cards in favour of a genuine moment.

“What are you doing these days, Y/N?” Tom’s not looking at you, he’s looking at your knee as he rubs circles on it. You want to look down there too, see what he finds so intriguing; but you decide against it in fear you might spontaneously combust. You don’t know if this moment’s supposed to be intimate or innocent and you’re not sure if you want to find out.

So you put up a wall.

“I should be asking you the same thing, Holland.” You say sarcastically. “What have you been doing these days? I haven’t seen you around.” Your eyebrows scrunched up together but you’ve got a big, idiot grin on your face that’s more than telling. Tom giggles at your facetiousness.

Tom scratches his head in mock thought. He never clocks out, always putting on a show. “I don’t know - uh.” You’re laughing before Tom has even told the punchline, ‘cause I guess anything’s funny when it’s said by the one you love.”I’m kind of -” He snatches an old Spiderman comic off the floor. “I’m kinda doing this acting thing at the moment. Playing, y’know, this guy.”

“Well I wish you better luck in the future.” Tom has stopped rubbing circles but instead places his two hands on your knees as you rock back in laughter.

“I’m serious, Y/N. What do you do now?”

“Um.” You suddenly forgot your entire career as Tom, with no shade of subtlety, stares right into your soul. “I got my degree. I write like little stories, y’know? Have you ever heard of folklore?”

Tom shook his head.

“They’re like these little, old beautiful myths. And I write them for a living. And if I’m lucky, they get published in The Times. If I’m even luckier, I get to work with my old best friend - ” You feel your world stop temporarily as you call Tom your ‘best friend’ and you pause for all of 0.3 seconds to register Tom’s reaction but his face doesn’t flinch. “-Writing a book with him and his dad.” And that makes Tom smile. So he doesn’t have to tell you he missed you, you just know.

‘Undivided appearance’ and ‘undivided attention’ don’t necessarily mean the same thing in Hollywood as they do in real life, and you learn that the hard way in your writing session.

Tom may have been sat right next to you, but he was miles away. He was doing press with Cosmo, who hadn’t stopped tagging him with blue hearts on his Instagram, Twitter and Snapchat stories, causing his phone to go off every two seconds. You looked at the phone and then at him who then got the hint and put it on silent. Then there was a knock on the door. Tom rushed to open it, expecting that Dom had sent down a food delivery to egg you on finishing this chapter. You rehashed his childhood like a million times - in fact, you were part of it - so when it came to writing the parts that hurt, where you took a more supporting role in his life, you needed his help. The fact is, the knock at the door had come from one of Tom’s men (Tom liked to call him Man In Black no. 3) who hadn’t said as much as a ‘hi’ before he made his announcement. “Tom, you’re on the line with Cosmo in 10.” The man stepped back and pulled out his walkie talkie, “Holland knows he’s on the line with Cosmo at 10.” And then continued to pace around the hallway.

Cosmo called as he said they would and you almost felt for. second like tom might enjoy an entertainment magazine’s company more than yours. The interviewer made glaring comments and passive flirts at Tom who just blushed and chuckled and sipped his water like the woman on the phone calling him ‘hot’ was just too much to handle. At one point, she says: “What must it be like to grow up that beautiful, Tom? With your hair falling into place like dominoes.” You’re not expecting it when Tom tilts the phone so you’re in view. “Well I’m with the most beautiful being on Earth right now so..” Tom looks at you as if to ask ‘is this okay?” and you know it’s too late for these kind of questions, because that moment is headline fodder, so you smile not to make him feel bad for opening Pandora’s box. But Tom is merciless and likes to rub salt in the wound. “This is Y/N! Y/N’s helping me write the book with my Dad! We go way back.” He covers his mouth as soon as he says it. “Shit! They’re not supposed to know about the book yet.”

This is the moment, you think, where you believe when they say your first love is the one you never let go.

And you can’t think of anything purer than the love you have for him.

Tom thinks being on land is boring. He likes being strung from chords 30 feet in the air, and drowning in despair through scenes of emotional turmoil. You want to tell him you’re an arrow from Cupid’s bow about to reach him, but you couldn’t recover from the splinters if Tom shut you down. After all, Tom was a gold rush. A treasure that everyone had discovered but nobody owned. How precious is a jewel that anybody could take home with them?

Tom had invited you to a visit to Brighton with him, a city near the coast, for some inspiration on writing his section of the book.

You accepted. And because you did, you found yourself at the beginning of the end, on Tom’s boat in Brighton. “We don’t have to talk about the book right now.” Tom throws a stack of blue tinted paper on the floor. His dyslexia meant that spelling and reading was so much easier when done on blue pages, and you could only guess that was the reason the body of water around you brought him so much peace. So when you saw that something might compromise your best boy’s happiness, you point it out. To give Tom a little bit of time to exit before things got ugly.

“Tom, I see someone in the bushes.”

“Yeah. It’s a pap.” Tom mumbled nonchalantly.

“They’re here to get pictures of me,” He turned to face you. “and you.”

“Me?”

“Yeah, the fans ship us. Think we’d be a good couple after that Cosmo stunt. We would have been a good couple when we were like, 18.” He laughs.

“Huh, yeah.” You look down.

“The best one around.” And you can’t tell if he’s serious.

You rip off one of his blue sheets. “I’m coming. I got hit with inspo.” And you trail to a different section of the boat. A very obvious click of the camera from a shrub nearby coaxes your pen to write without a second thought, How is he so accustomed to this? Fake private moments, protected by sheer glass curtains?

You scrunched your paper, well his paper, into a ball.

Your mind had turned his life into folklore. You weren’t sure if that was crossing a line, so you just put the ball into your bag and hide it until he hits you with the spark again.

“Let me see it.” Tom says.

“No.”

“You ran off to write it and won’t let me see it?”

You held your bag at your hip in defence. “No, Tom. Drop it.”

Tom’s face drops a little bit, but then he reaches into his own bag and reveals a deck of your debate cards. “I know what will cheer you up, good ol’ Y/N.” He sets a card on the wooden table between you two.

“Do you believe in a higher power?”

You toyed with the pendant around your neck which revealed your faith. “Do you?”

“I don’t. But I believe in soulmates.”

You look to the left to really ponder on what Tom is saying, and a paparazzis captures another photo of you in the corner of your eye.

“And you don’t think there’s a higher power that manufactures our souls to make our soulmates?”

Tom feigns a scowl. “That’s ridiculous.”

You scoffed. “How very contrarian of you.”

“What the fuck does that mean.”

“It means you contradict yourself, Thomas.” You laugh as he holds his chest in fake hurt.

“Are you implying I’m anything less than perfect?”

“Never.”

Never. Because you didn’t believe that to be true.

“Good. Cause you’d have to be punished.” Tom picks you up and throws you in the water below before jumping in with you.

On your way home you stop at the yours and Tom’s writing booth, scavenging through your bag to drop off Tom’s notepad, some scrunched up blue and white papers you and Tom thought could still help you write his book. You’d made an addition to your love-hazed scribblings about Tom and reckon you’d die if he found it. You managed to throw the other in the water, excusing yourself with “It’s utterly awful.”, to which you and Tom agreed you wouldn’t throw any more paper in the ocean cause the poor fish already had it hard enough.

You and Tom had a session the next day. Tom was excited for the day, and you could tell because he’d given his phone to one of his big babysitters for the time he had you.

“I think that’s all of yours.” You and Tom made a business out of unscrunching your paper balls to see if they had any useful ideas. You were certain you reached the end of Tom’s. All of his notes had ‘T.H’ written on the back in big and were scribed on blue paper. When it came to your little ‘secret admirer’ notes you weren’t worried - you had an English degree and were quick to think on your feet and was ready to make something up when it came to opening it.

“No, this one’s mine.” He’s confident, so you let him have it. He goes to pick up your tea and then realises it’s nowhere near warm, and was the one you made for yourself when you crept in yesterday evening. Tom has a smile on his face, and then he doesn’t. Before he goes to read it aloud, his eyes tell you he’s reading it again and again and again. “At dinner parties, I’ll call you out on your contrarian shit, and the coastal towns we wondered round will never see a love as pure as it.”

The look on Tom’s face gives you the splinters. He tries to look at you but you know he can’t. You don’t blame him. You can’t look at him either. “I really thought this was a good friendship.”

You hum and nod your head in agreement, pull your lips into a thin straight line as streaks of tears abandon your eyes. This was worse than Tom rubbing salt in your wounds. He’s rubbing dirt in your painful fucking gashes and you are reminded of why this didn’t work before, why it will never be.

And you wouldn’t dare to dream about him anymore.

Masterlist

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andromedasstarship · 4 years

Text

in the stars - chapter 5

pairing - aaron hotchner x reader

warnings - canon-typical criminal minds violence, stalking, unhealthy coping mechanisms, drinking, angst

summary - “Please,” he said, staring you straight in the eyes. “Don’t go.”

a/n - i really love this chapter! cant wait to hear what yall think :DD also for reference i aged jack down just a year so hes 3 when haley passes away, about to turn 5 when reader & aaron get together. i dont claim any dialogue straight from Emma as mine! (emma dialogue is in italics)

masterlist / series masterlist / read it on ao3

chapter 4 / chapter 6

-----

You were hyper-aware of the new way the team was looking at you as you entered the conference room. You shot a very anxious glance up towards Aaron, grateful for the very brief- but soft- glance he gave you before the business side of him took over again. You could feel the ghost of his hand hovering over that protective spot on your back again as he led you up towards the table.

It felt like your eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets, upon seeing the seemingly endless piles of photos in front of you. Your brain was struggling to process everything that was laid out in front of you and you felt your heart rate start to pick up; seeing it in person was worse than anything your mind had created in the drive here.

“Y/N.”

Your eyes shot up to meet the voice and you saw Spencer looking down at you with a look that was just on the edge of pity. “We tried to sort the pictures into piles of time relativity. Would you be able to go through them and help us create a firmer timeline?”

You nodded at that, vaguely aware of Aaron pulling a chair out behind you. You gladly slid down into it. Seeing Emily start to pick up one pile and push them towards you made you nervously laugh, the stress of the moment and how uncomfortable you felt forcing it out. When the entire team gave you a weird look you said, “Sorry, it just reminded me of last time.”

You gently picked up the stack of photos, trying to hold them as lightly as possible. The knowledge that the unsub had packaged these himself sent a shiver down your spine. You knew it was silly, but you somehow felt that by touching the photos you were somehow also touching the remnants of the unsub.

The first stack you easily dated as around four years ago, just from your hair; you’d drastically changed it for a role. You thumbed through the photos and could feel the knots in your stomach growing even tighter. Most of the photos were blurry and relatively distant from you, as if the unsub was still getting comfortable with what he was doing.

“This was four years ago, I had to change my hair for a role and I’ve never had it like that before or again.” You said quietly, pushing the pile back to Emily.

She nodded, giving you a gracious smile before pushing the next pile towards you. Your face fell immediately; something the team equated to how much more personal these set of photos seemed to be. You fanned the stack out in front of you. There weren’t many, as if even the unsub could recognize the inappropriate- ha!- nature of capturing you like this. In all of them you looked worn down, as if a cloud was following you everywhere you went.

“This was about two years ago.” You said flatly. It took a moment, but you could see everyone connect the dots in their head and suddenly the room felt very small.

Thankfully, the next pile was rather average and you guessed that this was just an ‘extra’ pile of photos that didn’t really seem to fit into a cohesive timeframe. As you scanned over them, one caught your eye and you pulled it a bit closer to you. You pointed a finger at the sign behind you.

“This is an exclusive club house, it’s difficult to get into. Security’s intense and everyone that enters has to sign in.” You informed the team. JJ reached out and grabbed the photo, putting it to the side for later.

You turned your attention back to the pile, making sure to give each photo a proper amount of attention, desperate to notice something useful.

“This one,” you said, pulling a blurry photo of yourself out of the pile. You were moving too fast for the camera to properly capture you, but you recognized the outfit. “I was wearing this the day Officer Reynolds told me you all were coming, isn’t this the outside of the station?” You said quietly.

JJ moved that photo to the ‘save for later’ pile as well. You gently re-stacked the pile and passed it towards Emily, waiting for the next one.

You watched as Emily seemed to be literally holding her tongue as she pushed the next pile towards you, a certain playful glint in her eyes. Once you were able to look at it, you couldn’t help but snort. You could feel Aaron tense up besides you, but you could find the humor in it. The ‘Aaron’ pile.

You fanned the stack out like you had done with the others, giving special attention to the details behind you. These were much more difficult to place and a much smaller pile, considering how careful the two of you had been.

“These must’ve been in DC?” You questioned, not really expecting an answer. You looked up towards Aaron, raising an eyebrow as if to give him the opportunity to share his thoughts. “Whenever he came to LA, I had an iron grip on our security but it was a whole different field in DC-”

Your sentence fell flat as your eyes went wide, nearly surging out of your seat up towards Aaron. He gave you a worried look, unable to place the sudden anxiety that had taken over you. “What about Jack?” You asked worriedly, “if he knows about you he must’ve found out about Ja-”

Aaron stopped you, putting a very gentle hand on the top of your shoulder, “He’s okay, I promise.” He said, using his hand to lightly push you back into a seated position. You nodded at that, eyes still wide, but your body seemed to deflate, the tension slowly leaving you.

The rest of the team was quiet, recognizing the personal nature of the interaction. But it was impossible for them not to notice the way your bodies reacted to each other. The way your body’s natural response to a stressor had been to move closer to him and the way he angled himself in a protective stance around you near simultaneously.

Emily pushed the final pile in front of you and you couldn’t help the corners of your lips pull up in a soft smile. You fanned out the stack of photos, taking a good look at all of them. They all seemed to either be promo photos or film photos of your time filming Mamma Mia in Greece.

“This is definitely from Greece. But some of these are definitely promo photos, it’s why I’m ‘posing’ in a few of them.” You said, pushing out one that visually made your point.

“What about this one? It feels a lot more intimate than a promotional piece.” Emily asked, pulling one out from the stack. In it, you were standing on the dock, face close to the camera. You had a big smile on your face and your thumbs up.

“On set, we had a handful of little disposable cameras that everyone could use.”

“Do you have any memory of who owned the cameras?”

“I…,” you paused, eyebrows scrunched tightly in thought, “I don’t know. The studio distributed all the photos after the movie came out. They’re pretty public at this point, it was five years ago.” You said weakly, feeling really disappointed in your lack of help. “I’m sorry.” You added.

Morgan stepped up closer to the table. “Don’t be okay? Now we know that the unsub has connections in Hollywood and we know he must be wealthy enough to fly to DC on a whim if he thought you were there. That helps narrow things down.” He assured you.

“Are there any specific photographers that you’ve noticed? Or any guy you feel like you’ve seen too many times and it’s no longer a coincidence?” Spencer asked.

You shook your head quickly. “I’m really used to cameras flashing in my face.” You said impishly. “I can remember a lot of fans that I meet, but if it’s just someone behind a camera I don’t think I’d really notice it at all.”

You felt Aaron move away from you and towards the computer at the end of the table. He clicked a few buttons and suddenly a woman's face popped up on the screen. You recognized her immediately from all the stories and photos you’d seen. Penelope.

Aaron brought the computer closer to where you were and her mouth dropped open for the second time today.

“Oh my god! Hi! Wow! I am, I am such a fan. I just-, you’re always so-”

“Garcia.” Aaron interjected but you raised your hand at him, giving him a ‘shoo’ gesture. The rest of the team had to stifle their laughter.

“Hi, Penelope right? I’ve heard so much about you.” You said sweetly, leaning a bit closer to the camera.

“Wow! Okay, I can’t believe this is-”

“Garcia, I need you to pull up visitor logs from a clubhouse that Y/N used to visit. I want you to cross reference it with other visitor logs of recent film sets she’s been on and her housing development. She’ll be able to give you a more comprehensive list.” Aaron interjected, and this time you let him.

You turned back to the screen, giving Garcia another smile. “The clubhouse is called Royal Blue, the picture couldn’t have been more than…, I think three years ago? But I’m not sure.”

“Alright…, okay the visitor logs seem to be locked tight, but never too tight for me. What are some of those movie sets?”

“The earliest photo is what? Five years ago?” You asked, looking around at the agents for approval. “Yeah, five years. So Mamma Mia, to start, Little Women. I’m working on Emma right now.” You droned, listing various movie sets you’d worked on in the past five years.

“Oh my god! I have so many questions about Mamma Mia. Like what was it-,” Garcia’s question trailed off as she caught sight of Hotch giving her a firm stare from behind you. “Right sorry, alright. I will break into the clubhouse and cross reference all of these lists to see if anyone comes up more than once. It was so nice meeting you, I hope we get to-. Alright, hanging up now!” Garcia said in a rushed voice. You watched her click a button on her end and the screen went black.

You leaned back into your chair, staring up at the rest of the team . “So…,” you said, drawing out the word, “what now?”

-----

“What are you doing?” Aaron’s asked, voice coming out from behind you.

You comically froze, hand just short of picking your keys up from the table. You slowly turned to face him, straightening your tote bag over your shoulder. “Oh! There you are, I was just on my way to come find you.” You said lightly, trying to diffuse some of the tension in the room. Aaron didn’t say anything, waiting for you to go on. “Johnny and I have plans tonight.” You said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world

On your part, you’d already forgotten about the whole ‘I’m on a date’ aspect on your earlier phone call with Aaron. In your mind, there wasn’t anything inherently suspicious about you going to spend time with him in the evening.

Aaron was viewing the entire situation in a very different light. When he had first come around the corner, he noticed how nice you looked. When the two of you had finally returned to your place you immediately went up to your room, disappearing for quite some time. He had originally thought maybe you were upset, the cognitive interview hadn’t revealed anything and even though he knew you didn’t really believe in their accuracy, he also knew how badly you wanted to be of ‘use’ for the case.

In your time upstairs, you had changed your outfit and styled your hair just enough to give it that ‘unstyled-styled’ look. It’s not like you were glammed out or anything, the only reason you’d put on a nice outfit was on the off chance you were photographed- hopefully not by the unsub-, on your way into Johnny’s apartment.

“And what is it that you’re supposed to be doing?” Aaron asked, trying to keep his voice as nonchalant as possible.

“Um, nothing much,” You said with an awkward laugh, when he was still looking at you expectantly you tilted your head. “I’m supposed to go to his place and we’re gonna run lines for the scenes we’re filming this week.” You explained.

“I can’t endorse you going out at night. Especially to someone’s home that we don’t have eyes on.” Aaron said firmly.

You rolled your eyes at that, picking up your keys. “Johnny’s fine, he’s been in the same place as me when nearly all the bodies were discovered.” You argued, putting one hand on your hip.

“With the recent development in the cases, I can’t let you do this.”

You started to walk towards him, intending to go around him. “Aaron-”

His hand shot out and gently grabbed you by the arm, stopping you from getting past him.

“Hey!-”

“Please,” he said, staring you straight in the eyes. “Don’t go.”

Your mouth fell open slightly in a mild form of shock. ‘We’re just running lines, I really need-”

“I’ll do it with you.” Aaron interjected hurriedly. “We’ve done it before, I’m not too bad at it, huh?” He said teasingly.

You pondered that for a minute. You and Aaron had run lines together plenty of times in the past, it was always something you got a kick out of, seeing Aaron try and morph into whatever character he was reading for. And while it wouldn’t be as productive as running them with your actual co-star, you reasoned it’d still be good enough. And as much as you hated to admit it, Aaron probably had a point about you not going out, especially in the evening.

“Fine. I just need to go call Johnny and tell him something came up.” You huffed, pretending to be more annoyed than you were.

“Here,” you said, reaching into your bag and pulling out your script, “I already have most of my lines memorized, I’ll just need you to fill in if I miss any. I have a pink sticky note denoting the scene we were going to start with. You’re reading as Knightely. I’ll meet you in the living room, alright?” You said, pushing the script into his hands as you walked around him towards the kitchen, pulling your phone out at the same time.

----

“No, I’m just saying I think it’d be more believable or whatever if we did a few more like nonchalant meals before like, running errands together or something, ya know?” You said lazily into the phone, holding it between your ear and shoulder as you used your hands to mix up a drink for yourself. Out of the corner of your eye you caught sight of the Dalmore. You reached out with one hand and carefully pulled it down, still remembering exactly how Aaron liked to take a drink.

“What meal really screams ‘we’re dating’? Dinner? That’s like the longest meal of the day, that’s gotta show some sort of commitment.” Johnny asked.

“Hm…,” you droned, “well we just had a lunch. If we want to kick it into high gear, we should do breakfast. Perfect ‘just spent the night’ remedy.” You said with a snort.

Aaron cleared his throat behind you and the sound made you jump. You pulled the phone away from your ear and saw you’d been blabbering for nearly half an hour.

‘Oh. Sorry.’ You mouthed to Aaron, before pulling the phone back to your ear. “Hey Johnny gotta go, but we’ll figure it out later! Yeah…, for sure, bye!” You hung up and placed your phone on the counter. Then you grabbed the drink you had poured for him, holding it out.

“It’s Dalmore.” You said plainly.

“I’m working.” He responded.

You rolled your eyes at that and held it out more aggressively. “Take it.”

You watched happily as he begrudgingly took it out of your hand, though you knew it wasn’t too difficult for him. You picked up your own glass and tucked your phone into the waistband of your pants. “Ready? Sorry, got carried away.”

While the two of you walked back into your living room, it was obvious something was bothering Aaron. You briefly wondered if something had developed in the case that he wasn’t telling you.

‘What is it?” You asked.

He looked down at you, confused. “What is what?”

“Don’t play dumb, you have a tell.” You explained, stopping to look up at him.

“I do not have a tell.” Hotch replied annoyedly.

“Yes you do.”

“No, I don’t.”

“If you want to be a baby about it, fine you don’t have a tell. Tell me what’s wrong anyway.”

“I’m trying to understand why you lied about not having a boyfriend nor seeing anyone recently. We’ll need to fully vet Johnny and look into his files, even if you don’t see it becoming serious.” Aaron near spat.

You snorted. “What do you mean lied?”

“You very clearly told me you weren’t seeing anyone, yet today has proven those claims to be false.”

“I know that sometimes, I like to be a huge pain but I’m serious, what are you talking about? I’m not seeing anyone.”

“Your co-star, Johnny? You told me you were on a date with him today. I just heard you on the phone make plans to stay with him overnight. I saw the pictures of-”

“Stop! Oh my god, I can’t believe you actually believed that.” You said, unable to hold back the laughter that bubbled out of you.

“Believed it? You’re the only who told me!”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry I shouldn’t have assumed you read through the lines. Johnny and I have been going on publicity dates. We’re just friends.”

“What were you supposed to be doing tonight then?”

“We were legitimately going to run lines. Maybe get ice cream, we’re trying to determine the best ice cream in LA.”

That’d explain the outfit, Aaron thought.

“And the phone call I just heard?”

“We were debating which meal screams ‘dating’. He thinks it’s dinner. I think it’s breakfast, ya know, cause it implies you spent the night.”

“Why didn’t you tell me that, before.”

“Don’t you remember when I had kinda the same thing with Timothee during Little Women? They made us hang out a bunch so the tabloids could just do their thing. I just assumed you’d fill in the blanks.”

Aaron was staring at you as if you had two heads. It was almost like you could see the gears turning in that head of his. Internally, he was more than embarrassed for how upset he’d gotten over the idea of you with someone else.

When it seemed that Aaron had nothing else to say, you started to walk again, not stopping until you were both back in your living room. You plopped down in ‘your spot’ on the couch, playfully patting the space a few cushions down that Aaron typically sat in.

“Crack open that script, I hope you looked through it. If you’re making me stay home, you better be useful!” You said pleasantly, trying to change the atmosphere into something more playful.

Aaron awkwardly sat himself down on the couch next to you, picking the script back up. As you watched him flip the script open and further acquaint himself with the lines you couldn’t help but feel a sharp pang in your chest. It was such an unavoidable reminder of the way the two of you used to run lines together when you were still dating. You had learned early on that Aaron best showed his affection through acts of service and he actually wasn’t that bad at delivering a line. Since the two of you were rarely together in person- it’s not like you’d let him waste a visit with you building a shelf or running an errand-, running lines with you was the easiest way for him to feel useful.

-----

Four Years Ago

“Okay Jack, you ready?” You asked, smiling down at the young boy standing across from you. He was dressed up in his winter clothes, despite the blazing heat of the summer. You and Aaron had tried to talk him out of it, but he demanded it’d be the only way for him to fully get into character. And who were you two to deny him? The sweet boy nodded, barely being able to contain his excitement as he bounced up and down on his feet.

“Alright, places everyone!” You yelled out, holding the diy paper clapperboard Jack had made for you. You held it out from your body and did a very exaggerated clapping motion. “Action!” You said, quickly throwing the clapperboard to the couch.

“Carrots!” Jack said, his voice more than enthusiastic for the role.

“Huh?” You said, heavily overselling your voice and reaction. Even with the one simple word, Jack was already in giggles, struggling to keep it together.

He leaned in closer to you, standing up on his tiptoes. “Behind you!”

“Oh! Right, excuse me.” You said, stepping to the side and gesturing to the ‘carrots’ behind you.

You made your voice really low to play the next part. “Woh, a real howler in July, yea? Where ever could it be coming from?” You asked, placing your chin in between your thumb and pointer finger.

Jack kept giggling at your ‘deep’ voice, he held his ‘script’ up to his face to read his next line. “The North Mountain.”

You jokingly ran a hand in front of your face, signaling a character switch. “North Mountain.” You stage whispered. You ran your hand in front of your face again, going serious. “That’ll be forty.” You said, holding your hand out with a ‘gimme’ gesture.

Jack smacked your hand gently to ‘give you’ the money. But after his face fell ever so slightly. “Can we skip to when Daddy gets to come in??” He asked, giving you those big eyes you couldn’t possibly say no to.

You stood back, putting your weight on your back leg with one hand on your hip. “Hmm.., I think that could be arranged.” You reached over to grab the clapperboard. “Alright everyone! Back to places, but let’s start at ‘Hi everyone’, okay?”

Jack nodded excitingly and turned back to where he knew Aaron was standing, partially hidden by the hallway. “Places daddy!” He urged, pointing to where he should come stand.

Aaron came out from around the corner and you quickly covered your mouth with your hand, trying to hold in the laughter. Aaron had a big white hat on his head and had let Jack put a small orange dot on his nose. You and Jack had definitely double teamed poor Aaron, dragging him into your little ‘movie game’ as Jack liked to call it. The three of you had started doing this a few months ago, Jack loved ‘running lines’ with you and you were more than happy to oblige him. It had started when a sleepy Jack had stumbled into the living room one night when he couldn’t sleep and he saw you and Aaron running lines for one of your other movies. Jack had taken to it so much you ended up ‘hiring’ him to help you with your more child friendly roles.

“Alright, alright. Quiet on set!” You said, making a big deal of you bringing your index finger up to your lips in a ‘shush’ motion. “Action!”

“Hi everyone. I’m Olaf. And I like warm hugs.” Aaron recited robotically , very clear that he was reading directly from the paper. You smacked your hand back over your mouth, unable to control the giggles. Once you started laughing, Jack fell into his own fit of laughter; both of you fueled off the others amusement.

Of course, when you finally pulled yourself back together, a quick look at the way Aaron was standing with fake annoyance across his face and his arms crossed tightly against his chest sent you back into fits of laughter.

“Are you two done?” Aaron asked, no true malice in his voice.

It was rare that the three of you all got to spend time together. He’d been wary of introducing you to Jack. It wasn’t really a ‘you’ thing, but it was more of how Jack would be able to deal with it. There were the typical worries, what if you and Jack didn’t get along? Or what if you two did get along really well but then you and Aaron broke up and it hurt him even further? While you never intended to try and replace his ‘mom’, you still worried that your chaotic schedule would somehow hurt him, skewing his perception of yet another ‘parental’ figure. Not to mention the issues with him being able to keep your identity and presence in his life a secret; he wouldn’t even be able to tell people like Uncle Rossi that his dad was seeing someone.

But now, you’d been with Aaron for over two years. And Jack had known about you for about a year now. And everything had been going perfect. Jack was a stellar secret keeper, the unfortunate events of his childhood maturing him faster than any child deserved and he was able to fully understand the importance of the situation. The two of you had taken to each other quite quickly and every night the three of you would have a ‘bedtime’ call; even on the nights when Aaron was busy with a case you’d still call Jack on your own. You loved spoiling him with whatever hot new toy was popular among kids his age or getting him special early copies of movies before they came out. Aaron used to get on you about it, saying it wasn’t necessary, but you argued it was the most necessary thing in the world.

And now here the three of you were. Nestled away in Aaron’s apartment in DC. You had just flown in after wrapping up a shoot abroad and were just in time for the start of summer. Even though your career was at a seemingly new high, you had managed to secure a relatively empty summer. After long consideration and planning you and Aaron decided it’d be a nice treat for Jack to go spend a month or so with you in LA. You’d consulted heavily with many of your friends who kept their children completely hidden from the spotlight and had hired an airtight security team to assist you the entire time. Aaron was supposed to come out when he could, but you were all aware of how turbulent his poor schedule could be. Schedule permitting, you all would spend the next three days at Aaron’s apartment before you and Jack took off.

“Daddy! You sound like a robot.” Jack said, scolding Aaron. His voice brought you out of your thoughts and you looked down at him with a big smile.

“Daddy’s just no good at this huh?” You asked, shaking your head. “He’s no match for our talent, Jack!”

“This is really hot.” Jack said, holding up his arms. He must’ve been sweating his butt off in all those winter layers.

“You’re kidding me! I wonder who could’ve seen that coming.” You said sarcastically, reaching over to pull off his big hat and zip down the first of multiple jackets he put on. “I’ve heard that ice cream cools you down…,”

“Ice cream!’ Jack exclaimed, his eyes lighting up. He didn’t even look to his father for ‘permission’, knowing by now you had the most sway in the house.

“Go put on some normal clothes okay? Wouldn’t be fun if you passed out in your ice cream bowl, huh?” You told him, ruffling his hair before he dipped under your arm, making a mad dash for his room.

“He hasn’t even had lunch yet, you know that right?” Aaron asked, giving you a fake stern look as he walked over to where you were standing.

You rolled your eyes at that, reaching up to snatch the white hat off his head, letting your arms fall loosely around his neck. “Does it upset you that I’m always the cool one?” You asked teasingly, reaching up on your tiptoes to press the gentlest kiss on his lips.

He gave you one of his small smiles, reaching down to press a second kiss to your lips. “How was your flight in?” He asked, one of his hands wrapping protectively around your waist as the other one found its way by your hair, gently stroking down it the way you liked.

You let your head relax against his touch and pretended to think for a moment. Instead of answering you reached up again, pressing your lips against his, pressing yourself closer to him. You both thought you could stay this way forever; it being the first time you saw each other, in person, in nearly two months.

“Gross!” Jack’s voice seemingly cut through the two of you. Aaron was the one to pull away first, quietly laughing so only you could hear.

“Later.” He promised in a whisper.

You loosened your grip on him, turning to face Jack. “Oh Jack! Funny seeing you here, ice cream, right?”

-----

Present Day.

“Page 103, right?” He asked, skipping to the bright pink sticky note you had used as a place marker.

You jolted out of your memories, feeling the heat rise up your neck as you prayed it wasn’t too obvious you had just completely zoned out.

“Yep!” You squeaked out, “page 103, line 19, you start.” You said, waving your hands.

“And I do envy him, Emma. In one respect he is the object of my enemy, you will not ask me why, you are, you are determined, I see, to have no curiosity but I cannot be wise-” He started, keeping his eyes near glued to the page.

You frowned, shaking your head a bit. “Stand up.” You ordered, already getting to your feet.

“Excuse me?” Aaron asked.

“Stand up,” you repeated, motioning upwards with your palms. “This,” you said, motioning between the two of you, “doesn’t feel right if we’re seated, we’re supposed to move around in this scene, it’s supposed to be painful.” You explained.

He slowly stood up, looking at you for permission to start again.

“From where you left off, please.”

“I must tell you, Emma, what you will not ask! Though I may wish it unsaid the next moment-”

“So do not speak it.” You cut in. “If you wish to speak to me, as a friend or to ask my opinion as a friend I will hear whatever you like.”

“As a friend, Emma. That I fear is a word, tell me Emma. Have I no chance of ever succeeding?” He asked, looking up at you for further approval, you nodded and he continued. “My dearest Emma, my dearest, you will always be my dearest most beloved Emma, tell me at once. I cannot make speeches, if I, if I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more-”

“Let’s do a different part, yeah?” You interrupted, voice incredibly tight. You ducked from his gaze, reaching to bring your glass to your lips.

“Isn’t this the scene you have to practice?” Aaron asked, raising his brow at you.

“It doesn’t matter,” you replied, taking a long sip, “any practice as the character will be helpful.”

“If this is the one that’s troubling you, we should go over it.” He pressed.

“Page 56, start at line 9.” You ordered, throwing back the rest of your glass. “Read it over, I’ll be back.”

Before you could fully turn to go and refill your glass, Aaron lunged forward and grabbed your arm, pulling you towards him. The sudden movement caused you to stumble, throwing your hands out to steady yourself against his chest.

“You’ve been drinking a lot.” He stated, repositioning his grip on your arm.

“Am I not allowed to have a drink or two in my own home?” You challenged.

“What are you running away from?” Aaron asked, his voice so gentle it made your knees weak.

“You.” You whispered, after a long pause. You looked up at him with sad eyes and only found confusion in his. “I can’t, I-, don’t you see how funny it is? Your character is desperate for mine to be with and my character is the one to deny yours.”

Your confession pulled sharply on his heart. He couldn’t bring himself to say anything, not sure there were any words to appropriately apologize for how he had treated you.

“Why didn’t you ever call?” You asked, voice so quiet he almost didn’t hear you.

“I, I-” He stuttered, unable to think of an answer fast enough.

“I waited for weeks,” you said, looking up at him with a look that nearly brought him to his knees. “I waited so long and you never called.”

He brushed the hair out of your face, letting his hand fall gently against your cheek. His thumb caught a stray tear that had started to fall, softly brushing it away. “I don’t know.” He responded, his voice as quiet as your. “I don’t know, you didn’t deserve that.”

You pressed your face into his hand, closing your eyes as you felt more tears managing to sneak past you. He was finally admitting words you had dreamed of hearing for years, but yet you were unable to find any joy in them.

“You didn’t deserve that.” He repeated, sliding his hand towards the back of your head, pulling you firmly against his chest, while his other arm wrapped tightly around your waist. You let your body relax into his, slowly bringing your own arms up loosely around his neck.

You felt him gently press the faintest of kisses to the top of your head. “I’m so sorry angel.” He mumbled into your hair.

You pulled your head out from under him, looking up at him with big eyes. The two of you were silent, basking in each other's presence. Your eyes flickered down to his lips multiple times; something he duly picked up on. Just as you began to push up on your toes, nearly pressing your lips to his, eyes half closed in anticipation, his phone rang out.

You froze, falling back onto your heels with a small sigh. “Answer it, I’m getting a refill.” You said, pulling yourself out of his grasp. He gave you an uncertain look, as if he wanted to pull you back in and ignore the call completely.

You wagged a finger in front of him, shaking your head. In on fluid movement, you grabbed your glass and nearly ran out of the room

-----

It took you ten minutes to calm yourself down and another five to hype yourself up to return to your living room. And that was after you had made yourself a new drink.

When you entered the living room, Aaron’s back was to you; still locked on the phone. The tension was clear in his shoulders and your eyes drifted down to his free hand that you knew would be clenched in a fist. It was.

“Thank you Garcia, tell the team we’ll be there soon.” He said, pulling the phone away from his ear and hanging up.

“Aaron?” You asked.

He rolled his shoulders back, trying to loosen some of the tension from his shoulders for your benefit. He slowly turned back towards you, his face pulled in frustration.

“LAPD just reported another body.”

-------

taglist - @mac99martin @iwaizumiee @kylorendrip @hqtchner @lieswithoutfairytales @ssahoodrathotchner @midsummernightdream @weasleylovers @evans-dejong @itsmytimetoodream @yoshigguk @28cnn @cuddlyklaus @hotch-meeeeeuppppp @yallgotkik @sunflowersandotherthings @averyhotchner @kimmy-k-k @uwu-sebastianstan @ivebeenthinkingboutu

a/n - if youve sent a message asking to be tagged and dont see yourself here, let me know!! im so bad at remembering to move names to my taglist form!! tysm for reading! <3

no permission is given to copy or republish my writing on any other platform or account. if you see this story outside of my blog or my ao3 it is stolen work. i do not own nor claim to own criminal minds or any of the character involved in it.

#aaron hotchner x reader #hotch x reader #aaron hotchner/reader #aaron hotchner x you #aaron hothner/you #aaron hotchner x y/n #hotch x you #hotch/reader #hotch/you #aaron hotchner #criminal minds #aaron hotchner fanfiction #'stori writes #in the stars

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kaylorfails · 4 years

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Yes, Karlies Kloss is married.

I normally don’t do debunks but the outright lies being spread and about about Karlie Kloss’s marraige to Josh Kushner are annoying, so here we go.

On July 24 2018, People announces that Karlie and Josh got engaged X . This wasn’t a surprise to those of us not kaylors, it was quite obvious, but before the announcement all was well in kaylorland on July 23rd:

This surprised and angered a lot of kaylors whose reactions went from “they’re stigmatising lesbianism” (X), “this is horrible news” (X), “she’s going to jail” (X), “they’ll never get married” (X) (X). “it’s part of the fucking story” (X), “giving you the truth is not my call to make” (X), to “publicity stunt” (X)

While kaylors were bemoaning her lack of ring, Karlie showed it off (X), posted insta stories about her friends and family reacting to the news just to rub it in further (X). Congrats from the sisters-in-law (X) (X), parents-in-law (X), Toni Garrn (X).

That was just the antipasto, now onto the main dish. I’ll be using “you” in this. This is a debunk directed at kaylors, so never mind that.

On Otcober 18 2018, Karlie Kloss got married to Josh Kushner and prior to that, she made a spotify playlist with her wedding date.

“She isn’t Jewish and didn’t converted” She is and she did. Apart from the fact that a British Vogue video in 2015 showed “meeting a Rabbi” in her notebook, shes’s spoken about it in Vogue in 2018, on WWHL, and recently with Naomi Campbell. Her conversion has also been discussed on various Jewish publications (X) (X). Any further insistence she didn’t convert is antisemitic. There’s only so much ignorance can excuse.

“A thursday wedding is weird” It would be if they were WASP or Catholic. Even then, I’d still call it unusual at best. But they’re Orthodox Jews. Shabbat, a weekly 25-hour observance from just before sundown each Friday through the completion of nightfall on Saturday, would make the usual saturday wedding not possible. For a Jewish couple, thursday is a good day to get married. I could understand thinking thursday is a weird day if you’re not Jewish, but insisting it is after being informed about it, is offensive.

For your information, ttb, a blog run a white, straight, definitely not Jewish woman and followed by many non jewish kaylors, is telling you about Judaism.

I don’t get the “photoshoot” argument. The kaylor fandom is literally build on a Vogue photoshoot actually used for promo (X). It was also a blatant ripoff of Poppy Delevigne and Alexa Chung’s bestfriend shoot (X) (X).

“The wedding was a photoshoot” You know those beautiful wedding pictures you might have seen on facebook or instagram? They were taken by professional photographers. Not by a ghost or potatoes, professional photographers. Yes, you can gasp.

And they are hired to do their job and do it beautifully. I don’t know what kaylors real life wedding experiences are, but there’s this thing called pre-wedding shoots people like doing at their weddings. Yes, it’s a weird world we live in. These pictures end up in a strange thing called wedding book, which will be shown to friends and family, future babies and grandbabies, and unsuspecting guests. Or burned if the marriage ends in a divorce.

Professional videographers are also hired to film the whole thing. From the bride waking up, to her getting her makeup done, her friends being silly, to her leaving her wedding reception. The world is wild.

On the wedding day, the pictures were posted on Hongbo Li’s instagram:

A friend of hers demanded it to be taken down (Karlie follows this friend on IG):

Who is HongBo Li? A comment on a ttb post gave us the answer:

And he’s also mentioned in this Vogue writeup about haute couture. As you can see, he isn’t some random kaylor voraciously living through strangers. he’s actually worked on various celebrities wedding dresses. Karlie didn’t put on a local store wedding dress, she actually had one Dior designed for her. That lucky bitch! I mean oppressed lucky bitch!

Onto the photographer. Her wedding pictures were taken by Heather Hazzan, A NY based photographer and very good and successful at her job:

Again, Karlie didn’t get a random photographer for her wedding, she got the best.The only thing this is proving is that being rich and famous gets you access. And not ony is she rich, she also married an obscenely rich man. The picture of the oppressed.

“There was nothing showing a wedding was going on” Now, that’s a lie. Should Karlie have released a full movie showing every detail? For why? You’d still call her wedding fake:

JK robes and hotdog stands (The guy is Kristine’s boyfriend):

More (X) Go through this tag you lazy bags! I’m tired.

Karlie getting prepared for her wedding (X) (X) (X). An expression you might have while your sister is being forced to fake a wedding:

“None of her friends were there” While I’m sure there’ve been many guestless weddings and they’re just as valid as the populated ones, this doesn’t seem to be one of those.

A childhood friend who didn’t get the memo about this being a stunt:

Toni Garrn, a kaylors appointed ex gf, posted this a whole year after the wedding:

David Geffen showing you’ve been sold a bridge about this being fake:

Ashley Graham speaking about being a guest at the wedding.

“She doesn’t look happy” Uhm, if you say so. Here’s Karlie being an unhappy and miserable being on her wedding day and here she looks devastedly sad looking at her wedding dress.

“There was no wedding reception” As Katy Perry would: “Time, the ultimate truth teller” Here’s the video Karlie posted on her 2nd anniversary showing there was indeed a wedding reception.

A pre-wedded Karlie with Josh and his parents.

Everything pointed to this being a real wedding and not a woods photoshoot you’ve been told it is. I’ve yet to see the magazine spread this shoot was supposedly made for and It’s been 2 years already.

So yeah, Karlie Kloss is married. She’s married and pregnant. Move the fuck on.

If you’re sure of your stuff, come to me with something that isn’t a version of this:

If you’re a kaylor trying to get out of the cult, go through this Joshlie timeline to purify your soul.

But if you’re a firm believer that Karlie is pregnant with Austin Swift’s sperm and she’ll raise the baby with Taylor Swift, there’s no hope for you and you’re disgusting.

That’s it for the October wedding!

#Kaylor debunks #kaylor #I ironed out some kinks

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pla-teau · 4 years

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WANDAVISION EPISODE SEVEN THOUGHTS

GIF NOT MINE

SPOILERS AHEAD YOU’VE BEEN WARNED!

BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL MORE LIKE BREAKING MY BRAIN AND HEART

wanda’s mood | as she talks to the camera, she treats her expanding the false world she’s created to having a bad night out. we’re seeing how tired she is from expanding westview - it damn near drained her it seems. the last episode was a lot to take in, keeping up with her torn emotions with pietro, her relationship with vision crumbling, worrying about her kids, expanding the hex — it’s enough to fry out your nerves. wanda also categorizes what happened in the last episode as reckless and decides to stay in to punish herself. even her kids notice that she’s out of it because she doesn’t stop them from fighting and doesn’t say a word as she heads to the kitchen. she’s drained, she’s tired - she doesn’t want to deal with anything today. wanda’s not being the doting mom she’s been since the birth of the twins as when billy talks about his head being too noisy, she ignores his complaints and lounges in bed a little longer. she’s drained and is acting out of character throughout the whole episode.

wanda’s reality is starting to break | right off the bat, we see how the reality in westview is going haywire. the boys mention their game freaking out. it switches to games from different eras. then we see it with wanda’s milk - switching from black and white to color and even changing shape to fit the style of a past era like 50s with the milk being in glass bottle or a milk carton with the ‘missing’ label on the side. we’ve seen the trailer/promo footage of different objects/furniture in the house glitching in this same manner and it seems that wanda’s power is not strong enough to keep everything together - physically or mentally so it seems in this episode.

“thanks for tuning in to W.N.D.A.” | as wanda is in the kitchen making herself some cereal, you can hear the tv from the living room say this. this sets up the opening credits for the show as everything is about wanda. if you turn on the subtitles, you can read exactly what the anchor is saying on the television. he says “not a thing weighing heavily on your conscience. i hope your little ghosts arrived home safe last night. it’s always such a treat to see those creepy kiddos out and about once a year.” it seems as though it’s wanda’s mind we’re hearing. nothing’s weighing heavily on her conscience - kinda is with expanding the hex. the little ghosts is in reference to all the kids that we finally saw come out for halloween in westview. calling them creepy kiddos could mean nothing but i thought about tommy and billy? since the two gained their abilities on halloween and weren’t doing much to conceal their powers (at least tommy wasn’t). i also say it’s wanda’s mind we’re gaining insight to cause when it goes on to the bit about giving tips about resisting temptation of the leftover candy or just eating it all - wanda is skeptical of what’s happening with the milk but still takes a big spoonful of cereal.

opening credits | we don’t have some super catchy lyrics this time around for the opening credits of the show - making me think that this is a nod to the office. but we do get ‘wanda’ splattered in every frame of the credits. the one that stands out to me is the ‘i know what u are doing wanda’ since everything else it seems to be replacing random words on signs like restaurants and other shops. comes off as a tad bit scary/creepy since it’s written with cut out letters from different new articles/magazines. could be a hint to vision knowing that it is all wanda’s doing. or as we later find out, it can be a set up to agnes’ reveal since she plays a more sinister role in all of this. this is the first we’re seeing any sort of credits in the opening sequence. created by wanda maximoff - again driving home the fact that the hex and everything we’ve seen so far has all been wanda’s creation or so we’re forced to believe...

SWORD retreat | we learn that the broadcast has been taken down - all they get is dead air supposedly. maybe that’s just a result of wanda’s expansion of the hex but i think it’s too weak given how har out they are and since they are farther from wanda as she doesn’t live right at the edge of town. we also learn that haydick hayward is planning to launch a missile or some kind of powerful weapon on/in to the hex to stop wanda. let’s hope it fails or if it goes through, wanda can point the missile/weapon back at SWORD and let it go.

“if he doesn’t wanna be here, there’s nothing i can do about it.” | wanda’s comment about vision not being home and response to billy asking if they should go looking for him. this clearly speaks to wanda not having any control over vision anymore. this is the first time we’ve seen the couple apart for the entirety of the episode. he’s gained enough sentience within the hex to not be controlled by wanda as other residents are. she knows she can’t rewrite or edit the scene for him to suddenly come through the door and have everyone be a happy family.

“he is not your uncle.” | wanda confirms to us that the pietro we’ve seen so far is a stranger and not some multiverse version of her dead brother. this to me also shoots down the theory of the multiverse existing at this point and wanda being responsible for it even though evan peters does play pietro in the x-men universe. i think it was a wink to fans about marvel gaining rights to the x-men franchise. i could be wrong but until then, ‘uncle p’ is sus to me.

“i don’t have all the answers” | wanda going on about how despite being their mother, she doesn’t have all the answers. this is the third time wanda’s been asked about the truth and she doesn’t have an answer. first with vision when he asks how all this happened. second with ‘pietro’ also asking how she created westview. now, it’s the twins seeking answers about their not-uncle if she’s claiming he’s an imposter and a liar. if anything, wanda has been consistent in this claim of not knowing anything. she knows she created westview but she doesn’t know how it got to be this way. i still believe she was offered something or was taken advantage of from the get go by someone else to get to her and observe how powerful she is. i personally love the twins’ reaction to her speaking on not having all the answers. hello yes i love them.

hayward’s interest in vision | we learn that project cataract is/was hayward’s plan to bring vision back to life. this man was trying to make vision into a weapon for SWORD and that’s why he’s so focused on vision inside the hex. wanda somehow brought him back to life despite hayward’s various attempts. i hate this man and i’m sorry but i hope monica and/or wanda beat the shit out of him. obviously, hayward was using SWORD’s resources to try and bring vision back to life but it’s a question of whether or not other people within SWORD knew this was happening and what the intentions were. because we also have monica’s contact be another agent working in SWORD. so why do i get the feeling that we’re gonna be dealing with a SHIELD 2.0 in which bad guys operate within the agency and it’s going to eventually fall like 2014?

“do you think maybe this is what you deserve?” | the interviewer asking wanda this question after we see her house starting to glitch like there’s no tomorrow. while later we do find out agnes is behind the mic, it made me think that this was mephisto finally coming out a bit since the question is very pointed at wanda. the interviewer wants to see wanda suffer because why would anyone ask such a thing let alone say that? they’re taking joy in wanda losing touch with her reality. this is the lowest we’ve seen wanda throughout the series. she’s usually put together - has a slight moment of crisis - but gets back on her feet for tomorrow to enjoy her life with her family. slowly it’s been building up to this point in which wanda just...crashes. she’s lost control in this reality so for the interviewer to pose that question, it’s a signal that someone else is in charge and going to come for wanda at her weakest.

the nexus commercial | this commercial is definitely referencing wanda during infinity war/endgame. the world goes on without you? could be talking about how the world keeps spinning after wanda lost the only family she had left or how everyone moved on in endgame despite losing the person she wanted to spend her life with. wanting to be left alone? all wanda wanted was to be with vision and now to be left alone as she lives out her life with vision in westview. i know the word nexus itself has a double meaning in marvel. nexus was first name dropped in aou, with it being the center of the internet located in oslo. in the comics, i know wanda is referred to as a nexus being in which this could definitely set up the multiverse as the commercial does state that the medication ‘anchors you back to your reality. or the reality of your choice.’ i’m guessing this is on purpose since we’re conditioned to see everything marvel puts out or puts emphasis on to have a double meaning. maybe wanda discovering that she is a nexus being in multiverse of madness could be what the side effects are talking about. if she’s confirmed to be this being, she’d feel a lot of feelings, confront her truth (maybe her role in westview and hopefully her trauma), seizing her destiny (taking control of her life and bigger role in the world), and possibly more depression (i don’t think she needs more of it but with her, it’s almost inevitable especially given where these next two weeks might be heading). given that it does hold two meanings for marvel, it could explain the scenes we’ve seen in promo footage of her time in sokovia with the mind stone. we were told that the show would explore more of wanda’s past from aou so maybe it is going to give nexus a double meaning in the mcu: the largest internet hub and wanda’s confirmation as a nexus being.

the twins with agnes | this scene had me anxious. billy commenting about it being quiet heavily hinted at how agnes isn’t like anyone else in westview. again, we’ve never seen her husband ralph and we still don’t see him in this episode. we get another glimpse of señor scratchy with billy holding him but that’s about it. the house is also a big contrast to wanda’s house and westview’s scenery overall. there’s usually a lot of light and warmth in westview but agnes’ interior is toned down and has darker tones throughout our time in it. clearly, a set up for the big reveal that everyone’s been echoing since the show started. this is also the last time we see the twins in the episode.

monica | after the SWORD rover failed to get through, monica goes right in and clearly her passing through a third time has a permanent effect. she’s finally got her powers and is more badass than before. i loved how we got bits and pieces from her, maria, carol and fury in captain marvel. monica has been one of the best characters in this series and i can’t wait to see what happens next with her.

it’s all about vision | monica’s explanation to wanda about hayward. i said this before about the end credits in the show always zooming in on vision’s eye to segway into the crystal sequence. we’ve learned that hayward was trying to bring vision back and somehow wanda managed to do this once she took his body. i wouldn’t be surprised if by the end of the season we see vision being the key to saving everyone in westview since hayward just wants what he believes is his and is willing to blow up a whole town to get it or cover his tracks. while this whole series has been focusing on wanda, this all boils down to vision.

agatha all along | of course the big reveal is agnes being agatha harkness and the mastermind behind a lot of the weird occurrences in westview. what is interesting is that she’s choosing to reveal herself to wanda in this way. it doesn’t seem like it was her plan to do it at the time she did but seeing that monica could’ve swayed wanda to go off script in agatha’s plans, better sooner than later. i think señor scratchy is none other than mephisto and maybe in the next episode we’ll see the other big bad reveal himself to wanda and us. when’s that bop dropping on spotify

snooper’s gonna snoop | finally, we get a post credits scene with uncle p and monica. we’ve learned that agatha was behind the ‘recasting’ of pietro but who is he?! he could be a multiverse!quicksilver we’ve never seen before - which could explain his skewed memories with wanda. right when the camera comes to view with monica, it cuts to the credits. i believe that maybe this pietro shapeshifts into who he really is - who this might be? i don’t think mephisto but possibly agatha’s son nicholas scratch since he seems to be an accomplice of hers?

ugh god so much to unpack and we have another two episodes before shit really hits the fan.

#wandavision #wandavision spoilers #scar’s theories #scar tries to piece together what she can each week #wanda maximoff #vision #agatha harkness #monica rambeau #billy kaplan #tommy shepard #darcy lewis #jimmy woo #pietro maximoff #mcu #marvel

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prettytoxiclavender · 3 years

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When Something Pretty ( 2 )

Naka was greeted by The Good Brothers as he entered into the locker room. He quickly cut the greeting the short when Gallows and Anderson noticed him looking around for something or someone. "If you're looking for Kenny, him and Don are still shooting a promo." "No, I'm looking for The Bucks. Are they here?" Gallows took the statement as an invitation to joke about Naka's broken English accent. "You're looking for what? The Fucks?" He laughed. "No! He said The Bucks." Anderson responded, "They just pulled into the parking lot." "Okay, I'll go meet with them, excuse me." Gallows grabbed the collar of Naka's shirt, "You good? You look like you've seen a ghost."

"Did you just say Lavender is here? As in "Pretty Toxic" Lavender? Anderson asked, Naka nodded his head. "Now please, I have to tell The Young Bucks she's here." "Why?" "Because she asked me to." The brothers had concern written on their faces. After a few minutes of conversion they told Naka not to worry about delivering his message. At first he was skeptical, but also easily persuaded. He left the room just as Matt and Nick entered the room. "Tell Brandon to hurry up with our stuff would ya?" Matt spoke. "Move it Young Boy! We need our gear!" Nick shouted down the hall.

Matt Hardy felt someone standing behind him, the pause within the conversation he was having with Private Party was also proof. Using Isisah's eyes as a mirror, he was able to make out that the figure was a female. "Hello, Matthew." He turned around. "Do you remember me?" Matt took a minute before answering. "Pretty? Pretty Toxic?" "Correct." She smiled. "I see you've been a very busy man." Lavender stepped in between Private Party, surveying them as finely made products. Matt took the opportunity as an invitation to brag about his successes since joining AEW.

Lavender smile faded away and things took a more serious turn. "I could end you right here, right now. However, your punishment of having to give Adam all of your 2020 earnings is pleasure to my ears." Her smile returned, "Play your games Matthew, but don't go to far. Surely you have haven't forgotten who I am? Perhaps your boys would love to know me?" The room was silent except for the sound of Lavender's heels clapping against the marble floor.

#aew dynamite #aew #private party #matt hardy #matt jackson #nick jackson #kenny omega #kenny omega imagine #brandon cutler #the good brothers

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boyneriver-fraser · 5 years

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How ‘bout that early release of Episode 1 The Fiery Cross? Spoilers, shmoilers. Pfft… what’s a 75-hour Tumblr embargo* when you’re accustomed to a 25-hour one?

After much whining, Season 5 finally arrived chez moi. What did I think?

Cold Open: Gave me chills, despite having seen it during promo. Murtz. In a kilt. Walking across a grassy field. Wind blowing through his hair. Reassuring a bereaved child. What’s not to love?

Theme Song: Missed (Mrs. Bear McCreary) Raya Yarbrough’s solo, but the choral version is already growing on me.

Opening Credits: Quietly thrilled to see Producer Caitriona Balfe, Producer Sam Heughan, and look forward to seeing their influence mid-season forward. (Remember, they received the new gigs after S5 production was well underway.)

Wedding Preparation: Beautiful dress with so many details to highlight the Scottish heritage the bride only recently discovered. So many sweet moments between Claire and Brianna and between Jamie and Brianna. “Je suis prest.” Da, your daughter’s a Fraser.

The (New) Wedding: The Frasers of the Ridge are here! (Chills 2) Loved the callback to S1E7 The Wedding — Jamie and Brianna’s walk through the doorway into the sunlight. Thought the juxtapositions were poignant — A reluctant bride in a dark church, hesitatingly saying her vows. A joyous bride in the great outdoors, eagerly saying hers. A small group of men, a tavern hostess, a prostitute, and no family-of-the-bride as guests. A huge gathering of friends and tenants of all genders and ages, and the bride’s parents, son, brother, sister-in-law, nephew, niece, great-aunt… and great-godfather, who managed to catch a glimpse from afar, as guests.

Fraser-MacKenzie Kids: Germain and Jemmy and Joanie, oh my! And Fergus and Marsali’s privately celebrating Félicité “in utero” was a lovely moment. (For anyone confused about number of the babies, Lizzie looked after Jemmy during the wedding ceremony, while Marsali held Joanie on her knee.)

“Some Shakespeare, anyone?”: Really, Lord John? 🤦🏻‍♀️

L is for the way you look at me: If you’ve never had someone pick up a guitar and sing a love song just for you… well, let’s just say Murtz wasn’t the first man to steal my heart. Rik Rankin truly has a lovely singing voice, and I will dearly miss Roger’s when… well… you know. Sigh.

Favourite Line: “I’ve got more on my mind than kissin’ and what have you, Mr. Fraser, Sir.” (Josiah Beardsley) What have you… 😂

Jocasta Cameron: Snob? Sly? Slut? All of the above?

Black Jack The Sequel: What is it with these corrupt redcoats? Governor Tryon annoys me more with each scene.

Hair Tics: I’m confident me ol’ pal @saint-hildegard-of-bingen is unable to count the number of times I’ve referred to myself as a heretic while talking to her, something I never did prior to reading the Outlander series, particularly The Fiery Cross. 😎

The Kilt: Oh, the kilt! (Chills 3) And the callback to S2E9 Je Suis Prest with the song Moch Sa Mhadainn. Powerful Scottish stuff.

Lighting Of The Cross: (Chills 4) I loved it and I’m not sorry. Highland chieftains set fire to a cross to call their men to arms. Period. Jamie lit his cross 90-something years before someone bastardized the long-held Scottish tradition.

Stand By My Hand: (Chills 5) So. Many. Feels. Loved the callback to S1E4 The Gathering. Isaiah Morton’s** realizing Roger didn’t quite get Jamie’s invitation, and teaching by doing, made me smile. Jamie’s being impressed Roger didn’t need to “Repeat what I say” made me smile more. Jamie’s looking to Brianna for confirmation before accepting Roger’s pledge made me tear up. Marsali’s pride at Fergus’s pledging his fealty — and at her not having to prompt Jamie to recognize Fergus’s worth — released those tears. The rest of the men’s lining up to more Moch Sa Mhadainn sealed the deal. Favourite scene, hands down.

Ghoistidh: Jamie’s knowing he’ll abandon Tryon eventually to fight alongside Washington, conflicting with Murtagh’s need to lead the Regulators and antagonize Tryon now, breaks my heart. And don’t get me started on Jamie’s releasing Murtz from his decades-old vow. 😭

Forewarning: If Murtz dies as a Regulator, and if Jamie is directly involved in his death, I will be inconsolable… about losing TV-Murtagh. Real Life Murtagh™ is safe, at home with me.

Sadly Absent: Young Ian. I really missed Ian. And Rollo. (Which is more than I can say for Lizzie. She looked at Josiah Beardsley on the big house verandah the same way she looked at Young Ian on the Cape Fear boat.) Hurry home…

Reality Bites: Too clean? Too modern? Too fancy? Too funny. Three of the four main characters touched a rock and instantaneously travelled 200 years. One of them three stinkin’ times. Reality left the building at 37:41 of the first episode. (Well, Frank saw a ghost at 24:20, but who wants to talk about Frank?) Embrace the fiction…

Closing Credits: Reports of Ronald D. Moore’s executive-producer death have been greatly exaggerated. Like the author’s, we see his name in big, bold font immediately before and after the episode. **I recognized Isaiah Morton by John Quincy Myers’ “Come on, Morton, time waits for no man” during the drinking game (if you didn’t catch him there, Isaiah was the first man to pledge fealty to Jamie), but I can’t put faces to book-familiar names Murdina & Arch Bug, Margaret Chisholm, Duncan Innes, or Ronnie Sinclair. Could you? 🤔

Get your act together, Starz, and offer your app to the rest of the world. *On W Network in Canada I’m able to start watching Outlander 25 hours after Starz app users in the USA and Puerto Rico start watching it. Of course when you change your cable package without subscribing to W Network and discover your thinking it’s available for free preview in February is a mistake, 75 hours extends to 85 hours, minimum, what with having to wait till morning to call to subscribe. Blah blah blah. 🧀 🧀 🧀 to accompany the whine.

Note: If you choose to read my recap/review(s), and think, “Of course she’s all positive and happy about the show; she wouldn’t say shite if her mooth was full of it,” you’re sadly mistaken. Few things come more naturally to me than being negative and critical. I grew up in an environment where, if you have nothing nice to say, you make sure everyone can hear it. I wrestle with the ghost of that environment every time I open my mouth. I refuse to let it haunt my blog. #TV #Fiction #Fun

__________

Gifs: @mclintocks (1 & 2), @thewanderingace (3)

#Outlander #Personal #Review #TFC #S5E1 The Fiery Cross #Claire Fraser #Jamie Fraser #Brianna MacKenzie #Roger MacKenzie #Fergus Claudel Fraser #Marsali Fraser #Jocasta Cameron #Ulysses #Too Much Of Frank #Murcasta shmurcasta 🙄 #Slut #190 #021820

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skyhopedango · 4 years

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a random pre-midday-coffee observation

So, I like Ghost In The Shell. Or rather, I enjoyed the manga, really liked the first Oshii movie, was rolling my eyes at the second Oshii movie, was facepalming over Arise, hated the Hollywood movie... but Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex is one of my favorite pieces of media, ever. Not just anime, media in general. 1st Gig is awesome, 2nd Gig somehow takes it to a whole another level, and the movie is... well it’s there? yeah it’s nice. But the two TV series are just basically amazing and hold up so well even today.

And so, I’m lowkey despairing over the upcoming GITS:SAC 2045. Even though it boasts mostly the same creative team as SAC, it looks absolutely terrible - seriously, why, why the shitty 3D CG? I normally wouldn’t care but this looks really shitty, like third-rate game cutscenes from ten years ago. I mean, just look at this crap:

youtube

What’s worse, though, is that from all the promo materials it looks like it just kind of has... nothing to say? Yes, the synopsis goes on about “post-humans” and whatnot, but GITS has always been about what makes a human, how do you define “human”, and so on and so forth, what with the large-scale digitalization of conscience and memories, full-body cyborgs like the Major or Kuze toeing a line between “human” and “something we can’t really define”, never mind natively digital existences like the Tachikoma, the Puppetmaster, and then there are the once-physical refugees who uploaded themselves into the cloud... So “post-humans”, really? Are you fucking kidding me.

Sadly, GITS:SAC 2045 feels like a corporate-mandated effort to milk the franchise some more, like they’re doing with Evangelion, except worse because I actually love SAC and I don’t think its legacy deserves this tarnish. (I’m kind of “meh” on Evangelion.)

Thing is, though, I’ve been also watching and loving Westworld in these past years. Westworld deals with a lot of themes similar to GITS, which is not surprising considering they have similar story elements... hell, the finale of Westworld season 2 had elements that had pretty damn strong parallels with the finale of GITS: SAC 2nd Gig. And now, with season 3 I’m just constantly getting really intense GITS:SAC vibes from it. Like, Westworld season 3 is the live-action GITS we should have gotten instead of that terrible Hollywood movie, but hey, at least we got it as Westworld S3.

So what I’m trying to say is, if GITS:SAC 2045 ends up being the pile of disappointment it’s shaping up to be, and you need a palate cleanser - or hell, if you just want to see what a real, modern GITS:SAC would be like, watch Westworld season 3. Hell, watch it even if you’ve never seen GITS before. (Just, like, watch at least a primer on seasons 1-2, otherwise you’ll be really lost...)

#westworld #westworld season 3 #ghost in the shell: stand alone complex #ghost in the shell sac 2045 #ghost in the shell #gits:sac

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snowbellewells · 5 years

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Self Promo Sunday: “Cold as Stone”

I originally wrote this less than a week before "Once" returned for season four. The show didn’t go this way with the Snow Queen arc, but I couldn't get how heart wrenching and dramatic it would be out of my mind, so I had to give this a shot. In a way, I’m almost glad it didn’t go in this vein (though it would have been more true to the Hans Christian Andersen fairy tale) because it would have HURT to watch... All the same, I’m still pretty fond of this three shot, so if you’ve never seen it before on my ff.net, now it’s here on Tumblr and also on AO3.

"Cold as Stone"

by: @snowbellewells

She should have known something was wrong the first time he didn't answer her call.

True, he was a one-handed, 300-year-old pirate to whom cellular technology was quite the foreign concept, more than a bit tricky to master, and strangely off-putting for one so fond of hearing his own voice – Emma Swan smirked to herself at that one – but Henry had gladly taken to showing him how the "blasted contraption", as Killian referred to it, was operated and the many things it could do. When Captain Hook had finally cottoned on to the fact that he could speak to her – and ask her questions, annoy her, lob unending innuendos at her – even when they were apart, his protests against his own cell phone had ceased.

Since then, he had never failed to answer the phone for her calls – often before it could even reach a second ring. The fact that she had called him half a dozen times in the last three hours with no response or call back, and that David hadn't seen him either, was not lost on Emma. She hated that she had tried him so many times, that she was frantic to find him, and that the panic was churning in her stomach as she slammed back out of Granny's – the last in her line of Killian's haunts where he was nowhere to be found. She did not want to be that needy type of girl she had always despised. Yet she couldn't let it go. At that point, she sensed something wrong – simply felt it in the same way that one senses she is being snuck up on from behind or that a storm is coming even before the first rumble of thunder.

The brisk bite to the air as she plowed down the street again only worsened the chill of foreboding in her gut. It might have been autumn in New England, but it was downright icy, and much too cold for September. She tried to bury her chin into the collar of her coat and think of another place to look for her erstwhile pirate, when right up ahead of her on the street, Killian Jones himself strolled around the corner of the building – leisurely, unconcerned – and not at all appearing to be looking for her.

Emma stormed toward him, feeling as though there might be actual steam pouring from her ears. She was so ridiculously worried about him – thinking some new baddie had come out of the woodwork and taken him as their first victim, that he had electrocuted himself by getting his hook caught in the toaster, or that he had been hurt, or lost… She wanted to smack him upside the head for making her so crazy, or handcuff him to her so he couldn't disappear on her again. It would serve him right for standing there looking so smug, so unfairly gorgeous, and as if he had not a care in the world.

"Something I can do for you, Lass?" he asked blithely, a devilish smirk quirking his lips. "You're staring."

It was only then that Emma realized there was something strangely off about her sailor. His voice and manner were as effortlessly flirtatious as ever, but the light in his smile was absent. The love and concern behind the play, the things that made him her Killian as well as the consummate pirate rogue, were somehow missing. While his ocean eyes usually reminded her of flames hot enough to burn blue, now they were crystalline shards of ice. A stranger was looking back at her from behind them. Emma's breath caught, and she stumbled backward as if she had been struck in the chest.

He looked at her with puzzled curiosity, but not the immediate desire to help or make it better that she had finally come to depend on from him. It was Killian…and yet, it wasn’t him at all. "Should I know you, Darling?" he said harmlessly. "You look as though you've seen a ghost."

And that did it; she shook her head blindly as tears began to fall, already freezing on her cheeks in the cold, while she pressed her hand against her mouth to hold back the cry of anguish.

Yes, she should have known something was wrong, but how could she have imagined this? Her True Love was standing right in front of her…but he no longer knew her at all.

ii.

Emma stood frozen to her spot until David came squealing up in his truck, peeling in behind where she had parked the cruiser. She had not moved or hardly breathed since Killian walked away. He had disappeared down the street again when she was unable to speak around the panic and hurt rising in her and clawing up her throat. Seemingly oblivious to her distress, or even unconcerned, which was so unlike him it made the trauma worse, he had headed off, bidding her farewell and turning his back without another glance.

"Emma!" David's voice was taut and intense as he ran up to her, seeing the expression on her face and immediately pulling her into his arms. He could see that she was not in physical danger, but that something had struck her hard; whatever had happened, the damage was already done. "What is it?! Did you find Hook?"

The dam against her emotions broke at his words, and Emma leaned into her father's strength, crying on his shoulder as she had never been able to do growing up. He shushed her hiccupping sobs, cradled the back of her head in his hand and swayed them both from side to side soothingly. Gradually, Emma brought herself back under control and pulled away, wiping the tears from her face and still sniffling, but aware once more that they were in the middle of the street and she was falling apart. This letting people in allowed her to feel so much more than she used to, but at that moment it was coming back to bite her, and she wasn't sure what to do with the empty, brittle ache in her chest and the shocked disbelief at what had just happened.

Her dad wanted answers, and Emma could tell it was taking every bit of his restraint not to press her for details. Finally, she drew enough of a steadying breath to nod and try to fill him in. "He was here," she confirmed, then faltered, biting her lip hard enough to draw blood in order not to cry again. She had done enough of that already to last her another decade, "but it – it wasn't really him."

She shook her head, knowing that couldn't make much sense, but not sure how else to put what she had experienced into words. Something had happened to her pirate, and she wasn't sure if they could right the wrong. She only knew she had to think of something. Unless…unless he really had put up with enough, gotten tired of waiting on her, of taking it slow, reassuring her at every turn, and …he truly intended to walk away –just as she had always feared he would.

David couldn't actually know her thoughts, but it seemed he read his daughter's mood just then, grasping Emma's arm to brace her and interrupt her torturous train of thought. "Emma, honey, you aren't making sense. Just take me back through what happened. What do you mean, he was here, but it wasn't him?"

Managing at last to shake her head clear and focus, Emma told herself that it was something more than her pirate changing his mind. Killian would not simply forget the feelings he had professed for her and leave. That gave her enough momentum to snap back to business. Taking a moment to square her shoulders and meet David's eye, she reiterated, "It was him…but he didn't seem to know me at all. There was no feeling there…no hint that he recognized me or felt what we are to each other."

David reached out and took her hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze, but didn't immediately try to coddle or brightly reassure her – for which Emma was grateful. This was not okay, and no amount of well-meant but empty words would change that.

"He was just so cold," Emma continued, her voice dropping to a harsh whisper and almost carrying away on the frigid breeze. "It was like he had completely forgotten he loves me, and I was nobody special to him at all." She pursed her lips and looked away, partially scanning the near distance for anything amiss, and partly just to avoid her father's knowing gaze. She didn't want to make him feel any guiltier than he already did for how alone in the world she had been, how many times she had been hurt and betrayed, and just how easy it was for her to believe a loved one could turn his back and abandon her.

The Prince's steady voice pulled her back and helped brace her. "Okay, here's what we'll do. I'm going to call Regina. We'll see if she has any knowledge of a curse that makes one forget or alters personality. I know we've discussed this before, but I still can't help thinking this is all related to whoever or whatever is causing the drastic shift in weather. We know it isn't Elsa – she's really coming along on her control with Regina tutoring her – but that doesn't mean some other newcomer hasn't snuck in while we were distracted."

Emma gave him a curt nod of agreement before adding wryly, "Better you than me. Ever since the whole fiasco with Robin and Marian, Regina's barely civil to me, even when Henry's present. Otherwise, she pretty much pretends I don't exist."

Her dad gave her a grim half-smile, hand on her shoulder as he held her gaze. "It will work out, Emma. Somehow, it will work out."

She rolled her eyes, but managed to smirk back before retorting, "You and Mom are both ridiculously hopeful. You know that, right?"

"Comes with who we are."

She snorted inelegantly, but managed a nod.

"In all seriousness," Charming said, sobering again, and using the 'dad' voice that let her know how in earnest he was. "I once had to hear Snow tell me she didn't love me, that I meant nothing to her, and watch her turn her back on me. I almost gave up on us, until I was reminded how priceless what we share truly is and made the decision to keep fighting for True Love. I'll admit I had my doubts about Hook at first – he is a pirate – but I can tell you now, I haven't seen someone as in love with a woman as he is with you in a long time. Don't let yourself doubt that. There is more going on here than we know."

His words did their job, though Emma found herself trying to blink back tears again. "Okay," she whispered, "I'll try to borrow a little of your faith."

She was heading back towards the cruiser awaiting what David would find out from his call to Regina before she went out on patrol and tried to figure where she might find Killian, when Ruby came bustling out of the diner and made a beeline for her.

"Didn't I see Hook out here with you a minute ago?" she asked breathlessly, an artfully sculpted brow arched in confusion. "He practically left a standing order for one of these anytime he comes by," she added by way of explanation and pressed a warm to-go cup into Emma's hand.

"He – he was here," Emma stated obviously, a bit dumbfounded by Ruby's usual quick exuberance. "I'm not sure where he went though. …What is this?"

"Hot Caramel Apple Cider," Ruby supplied with a fond grin tilting her red lips. "He was in here a week or so ago, getting coffee for you, David, and himself at the station. He overheard Henry and Grace ordering them, and he was curious, so he tried one. Then I think he ended up having two more. Said it was the best drink he'd encountered since his first taste of rum. Pretty adorable really."

Emma returned Ruby's playful grin, in spite of all the other thoughts whirling in her mind. "Yup," she added with a gleam of mischief fleeting through her otherwise tense expression. "The dread pirate Captain Hook has quite a sweet tooth." Emma's heart panged at the sense of familiarity she had come to feel with her pirate, and Ruby leaned forward; either the she-wolf's sixth sense had allowed her to pick up on something, or she had caught some trace of how Emma's face must have fallen at wondering if their True Love connection was gone.

David had just hung up the phone saying, "Okay, I'll tell her," and started back toward them, when the ache in Emma's chest suddenly intensified tenfold, doubling her over. Crying out at the abrupt, slicing pain, she clutched at her heart.

Ruby stepped closer to support her when she stumbled, and David rushed back to her side, crying out in alarm, but Emma could hardly tell what was going on around her. Her vision narrowed and her surroundings faded out, to the point that her only focus was the throbbing sensation in her chest. She almost went to her knees, gasping for breath, then the sensation ebbed a bit and she opened her eyes to see David and Ruby surrounding her worriedly.

She was about to take their offered hands and let them pull her to her feet when she was nearly crushed by the memory that invaded her thoughts. In Henry's book, she had read the story of Snow White taking the poisoned apple from Regina and eating it willingly to save Charming's life. More than that though, she remembered how miles away and unaware of what was happening, in the dungeon cell of Regina's prison, Charming had felt the life leave his True Love and fallen to the cold, hard floor, clutching his chest as if he himself had been the one cursed.

Panic replaced the hurt and indecision Emma had felt previously as she grabbed her father's forearms in a desperate grip and choked out her fears. If she and Killian were the same, if they were True Loves as well, something horrible had just happened. No matter what he felt or remembered; he had just been struck a fatal blow. She had to get to him, no matter what happened after.

~~0~~0~~0~~0~~0~~0

Killian Jones came back to himself as if from some hypnotic daze. Glancing around, he realized that he had no idea where he was or how he had reached his current location. If he didn't know better, he would have thought he was in some sort of gigantic snow fort, so vast he couldn’t even see the far wall. He only knew that behind him rose a pristine, flawless partition of freezing white. He shivered on reflex, before realizing that he was almost beyond sensation. He knew he must be cold; he was only wearing his open-necked black shirt and leather vest and duster. Yet, though common sense would insist he should be freezing, he honestly felt nothing at all.

It was troubling enough that his natural curiosity was overridden by the immediate desire to get out and get back to town. His thoughts were fuzzy and sluggish at best, but he knew there were people there who would surely explain to him what was going on; in fact, yes, there was one in particular… A flash of golden tresses and crackling green eyes darted through his mind and escaped again before it could solidify or he could put a name to the vision, but he knew. His lass…his love…he needed to get back to her…

Striding forward, he was nearly thrown back when he smacked into a solid barrier of ice. It had been completely transparent and invisible until he touched it, and Killian reached out, disbelieving, until his fingers slid along the glassy face of the obstruction. "What bloody sorcery is this?!" he swore to himself, pushing against the wall only to find that it would not budge in the slightest. He took two steps back, then bodily threw himself against the blockade, but it did not good. Not even a crack appeared. Growing desperate, the pirate began to pace his crystal prison, seeking another way out and growing more angry and frantic by the moment. She was worried about him; he could tell. He needed to reach her, whoever she was, and he needed to get out of this white fortress. He did not know how he had ended up here in the first place, but it was unnatural and he wanted no more of it.

He swung his hook forward, hoping to stab the metal tip in deep enough to shatter the sheet of ice, or at least put a crack in the surface, but it merely gouged in and stuck. Killian was struggling to free his metal appendage when an eerie, trilling laugh blew past him on the wind. Looking left and right, he still saw no one, but a strange, disembodied female voice followed the laughter. "My my," the ghostly speech lilted, "aren't you a bit anxious to leave? You're such a handsome one…I think I might keep you a bit longer."

Killian's face twisted in anger and he growled, freeing his hook at last and brandishing it in front of him, though he had no way of knowing where the mysterious being was speaking from. "Show yourself, demon," he challenged. "I'm not a toy or plaything. Let me out of your magic cave."

The strangely light, frighteningly cheery laughter sounded again, tinkling in his ears like icicles against the surface of a frozen lake. "Oh no, I think not," the female tone assured him. "It's been much too long since I've had visitors. We're going to have bit more fun."

Steeling himself for whatever attack must be coming, Killian still saw no visible sign of his captor. He had just relaxed slightly, thinking perhaps she had left him alone again to brood on his fate, when a sudden chill ran down his spine, and ice shards and snow began to whirl in a miniature storm all around him, striking at every bit of his exposed skin. Looking down, he was aghast to see a large, deadly-looking splinter of solid ice impossibly stabbing right through leather, skin and bone into his heart. A paralyzing pain invaded his chest as the wicked spike disappeared within right before his eyes. Numbness set in after the pain, until a second, throbbing ache pulsed through his being, this one distant, almost out of body, but no less debilitating.

His vision began to darken; suddenly the haze that had surrounded him thawed. No longer numb, he was so bitterly cold that he knew he must be dying. He fell against the wall, going helplessly motionless as ice seemed to overtake his body inch by horrible inch, encasing him and freezing over his skin, stealing breath and warmth. One last thought burst through before he went mercifully unaware – one last shot of warmth. Emma, his mind screamed, reminding him who he had needed to get back to, who the second stroke of pain must have belonged to…his True Love. Her name is Emma.

But then there was nothing.

So, here is the final installment of this three-parter. Maybe I should have shared a bit of this sooner, not knowing how familiar many are with Andersen's "The Snow Queen". In that fairy tale, there are two children, Kay and Gerda, who have always been each other's best companions and are probably even in love with each other, but don't know it yet because they are so young. Anyway, a piece of glass (for the purposes of this story, I'm going to use ice) gets into Kay's eye and distorts his vision, and eventually even his thoughts and feelings. Everything he loved and cared about means nothing to him, including little Gerda. He then encounters the Snow Queen, who, because of his numbed heart, is able to lure him away with her to her castle of ice and snow. He doesn't even remember his previous loved ones or friends to miss them. Then Gerda sets off to find him and get him back. Obviously, I've taken my own liberties with it, but that's the basic idea that got this story running.

Anyway, enjoy and let me know what you think. I still don't own any of the "Once" characters, nor Hans Christian Andersen's fairy tale.

iii.

The pain in Emma's chest had subsided to a dull throb, but she found that her hand kept absently coming up to press against the area as they conferred together and put a plan into action. From David's conversation over the phone with Regina, they at least had a starting point, if nothing else. Apparently, the day before, the mayor and her young princess protégé had been out in the woods, where they had been conducting lessons to harness Elsa's magic, and Regina had thought that something seemed different in the landscape north of the forest's edge. There had always been some hills in the distance a few miles off in that direction, but she had never noticed them looking so large and foreboding before. In fact, one had almost resembled a mountain of ice and snow. She had intended to go back out and investigate, but did not think it wise then, with Elsa in tow, as unstable as the poor young woman's powers were.

It could have nothing to do with Killian's unfathomable behavior, where he had gone, or what had happened to him, but it was all they had to go on. In Emma's experience with Storybrooke and magic, when something odd was going on, it all generally ended up being connected. Her pirate wasn't anywhere else nearby, and she couldn't stand around waiting if the pain that had nearly toppled her had only been an echo of what he had felt. He needed her, and she was not going to fail him. There had been so many times when she was blind to all that Killian had done for her; he had given and sacrificed, patiently waiting for her to see the light and accept the love he had offered her. She often felt in the time since they'd become a couple that she could never repay him, could never express what she felt as he so freely did for her.

Oh, she loved him; she had known that for much longer than she was willing to admit. What was harder was actually telling him so. Confessing that she needed Killian Jones in her life forever, that she would crumble if he left her now, was daunting – and, for Emma – a sight more terrifying than fighting a dragon or facing Peter Pan himself head on. Killian deserved to know his love was fully returned and that he finally had her trust and her whole heart. Yet, though she could sometimes see the wistful need in his eyes, he had never pushed her for the words. She stumbled over them when she attempted it, and stuttered into silence when she tried to tell him how she truly felt. Eventually, Killian would save her from her own floundering, kissing her lips until her babble stopped, and he would assure her that whatever it was she was trying to say, he would wait until she was able to tell him. He wasn't going anywhere.

'You promised me,' she whispered to herself, scrunching her eyes closed and picturing that adoring, perfect face. She pressed the heel of her hand to her chest once more, putting pressure against the dull ache.

She was not waiting around for Regina to come check this out – even if the assistance of the queen's power and experience would make it a much safer and smarter venture. She needed to move – to find Killian now – and she knew Regina would be in no hurry to help her save her pirate and return their happy ending, not when Emma had unknowingly ruined Regina's own second chance. Instead, once all that info had been relayed, she headed for the cruiser, jerked the door open, and was about to head out to that edge of the woods without another moment's thought.

"Emma, wait!" David called. "I'm going with you. There's more…"

"You'd better not think you're leaving me!" Ruby added, coming up beside her dad.

"Guys, I appreciate the gesture, but I'm flying blind here. This has to be dark magic, and I'm sure I should be waiting for Regina's back-up. I don't want anyone else getting hurt for my impatience."

She had known it wouldn't help, but Emma still sighed when David slid into the passenger seat and Ruby scrambled in back.

"Too bad," her father said in a voice that brooked no argument, "you're getting our help anyway."

As they pulled out onto the street and started out of town, Emma listened anxiously to the rest of the information David had gathered from Regina. "She didn't know all the details," he was relating, "but she knew there were many other spells and methods for cursing hearts. She had always seen her mother remove hearts and keep or crush them, which was what Rumple then taught her as well. However, there were rumors in our old land, before she cast the curse that took us all away, of a new queen gaining power in the far north – one that could freeze hearts."

Emma chanced a quick, sidelong glance at her father upon hearing those words, a little gasp escaping her as she pictured again how cold and unfeeling Killian's expression had been in a face that was usually so warm and inviting. "Freeze them?" she questioned. "My common sense wants to ask how that wouldn't kill a person, but I know by now that doesn't really mean much around here."

Ruby let out a tense giggle in the backseat and agreed with her sardonically. "You've got that right for sure. If everyone in Storybrooke were subject to natural injury or aging, there wouldn't be many of us left."

Emma gave Ruby a smirk in the rearview mirror, then turned her attention back to her father. "Know anything else about this Ice Queen?"

David gave a terse nod and continued. "According to Regina, rumors had reached her of people in that area going missing and then reappearing, but treating their loved ones as strangers upon their return. They seemed devoid of feeling or previous connection, but otherwise themselves. It had caused enough of a stir that Regina commented she would have gone to check it out and let this being know who was truly in charge in the realm – if she had been planning to stay. However, she was days from enacting the Dark Curse, so she didn't waste much thought on it, or find out how the thing was being done."

"As per usual," Emma commented, frustrated and feeling no more equipped for what they might be about to face, "if it didn't help her personal agenda, it didn't matter."

By this time, they had reached where the road trailed away at the edge of the woods. Beyond that, the terrain got rougher, the trees thicker, and the road simply carried on no further. Parking and turning off the key in the ignition, Emma drew in a deep, steadying breath, trying to prepare herself and convince her own mind that she knew what she was about to plunge them into. She really had no idea, and for probably the hundredth time since she had begun actively trying to use her light magic, she felt woefully unprepared and inadequate. Trying not to show any of her reservations visibly, she squared her shoulders, stepped out of the cruiser, and looked at her two compatriots hopefully. "Ready?"

"You bet," Ruby nodded, her eyes fierce and stance determined.

"Right beside you," David affirmed seriously.

Emma started forward with a nod at their answers. Though she dreaded taking either of them into a trap with her, or getting either of them hurt if she failed, it was reassuring not to be alone. Pushing her way through the last of the undergrowth and out of the last stand of the tree line, Emma was pulled up short by the sight that met her eyes.

It was like a mountain had grown at their borders overnight. Craning her neck, Emma realized that the white fortress rising in front of her disappeared into the clouds before the top even became visible. David and Ruby tramped up on either side of her and let out similar breathless exclamations of shock as well.

Eerie as it was, Emma now had the distinct feeling that this was right where they needed to be. How or why, she wasn't sure, but this was where she should be to get Killian back; she felt it in the rising hairs along the nape of her neck and the twist in her gut, just as she had felt something wrong that morning when Killian had not answered his phone. This could be their freakin' Snow Queen's palace for all she cared, Emma was going in.

She rested her hand on her gun for reassurance and plunged forward, starting out across a snowy clearing, when she realized David and Ruby were no longer at her sides. Turning, she was stunned and struck with confused apprehension to see that her father and her friend were several feet behind her, pushing against some sort of invisible barrier, unable to come any further forward. Whatever the strange force was, it had not stopped Emma. She hadn't even noticed it, but as she retraced her steps to them, she found that she was now kept within its edges. Though completely transparent, it was as hard and solid as any physical wall, separating her from the other two.

Watching tensely, Emma could see that neither David nor Ruby were hurt or in any distress, other than her father seeming nearly beside himself at being kept from coming to her aid. He was speaking to her, but the sound was muffled by the strange barrier, and she could make out no distinct words, only a garbled murmur that vaguely matched the movement of his lips.

It was just as well; she could tell by his expression that David was telling her to wait, to use her magic to get back to them and regroup; at any rate, Emma knew her father didn't want her continuing on alone. A quick glance at Ruby though, showed Emma that the other woman already knew what she intended to do. There was a calm look of acceptance and understanding on her friend's face that centered Emma and helped steel her resolve. She couldn't wait any longer; she had to get to Killian. Ruby would be with David. He would do the same thing himself if it were Snow in danger. Once he calmed down, David would have to admit that.

Shaking her head and trying to give her father an apologetic look, Emma turned her back and resolutely started toward the gigantic white structure again. It didn't take long to cross the snowy stretch of clearing and reach the foot of the mound, which she could now see resembled a rough sort of citadel, like some giant child had begun a snow fort and then abandoned the task. Looking back, Emma could barely make out David and Ruby, or even the outline of her cruiser, any longer; it seemed instead that she was the only living being now encased in a silent, empty world of white. Tilting her head back, Emma could see how this pristine, glittering edifice towered over her and all the surrounding landscape. It was as if the temperature dropped another twenty degrees at the sheer immensity facing her, and Emma shivered, feeling dwarfed by her own uncertainty and reservations.

She studied the daunting view a moment longer, and it was then that she discovered a fissure a bit to the left of where she stood, appearing just wide enough that she could squeeze through and into the interior of the structure. Squaring her shoulders, and setting her resolve, Emma pictured Killian's smile, his dedication, and the feel of her hand held warm and safe in his larger one, then she plunged in, trying not to think about what might go wrong and focus on the possibility of finding him.

The moment she stepped through the passage and into the frigid cave-like interior, Emma sensed there was no going back; she could feel a sort of tension, a heavy waiting in the air. Darkness closed in as the outside light was blocked, and she squinted, trying to see a way forward. The chill almost stole her breath, and Emma clutched her arms around her torso, attempting to hold in any bit of heat she could, but she wasn't changing course. Her hair stood on end as she debated which way to go; something told her that Killian was there.

She hadn't been long, letting her eyes adjust and straining to see something, anything, that gave her a clue where to go next, when a strange, tinkling, like the glass pieces of a wind chime, reached her ears. Nothing became visible, but an oddly bright, disturbingly playful voice filled the interior of the arctic room and ran shivers down her spine.

"Hello," the spritely, feminine voice trilled, setting Emma's teeth on edge and sounding all too pleased with itself. "So you're the Savior I've heard so much about. We've been waiting for you."

There was a frigid little laugh, humored but brittle enough to shatter easily. Emma was not amused, and the steel in her voice showed it when she replied. "We? Who do you mean? If you're talking about Killian, you had better believe I'm not leaving here without him."

"We shall see…but at least now you will have to play fair. Sorry to block your little helpers, Savior, but I only wanted you."

Shaking her head in disgust, Emma stopped treating with the disembodied voice, as its owner continued to remain invisible and gave the distinct impression of toying with her. She only hoped that her pirate had not already paid a price he wouldn't recover from in the plot to draw her here.

As if her thoughts had been read, enough light to lead her eyes to the opposite wall filtered through the open, cavernous space. "Oh alright, see to your lovely captain. I don't think he will want to leave me, but you can find out for yourself…" Demented little giggles echoed through the air, rebounding sickeningly in Emma's head.

Then, she spotted Killian at last, standing motionless, and she ran to him with a strangled cry before giving another thought. She never even paused or drew a breath until she reached him, finally face to face with her sailor again. However, as soon as she got close, her throat constricted with panic and horror at the sight. Tears that she would not give the unseen witch the pleasure of seeing her shed prickled at the corners of her eyes on taking in Killian's shocking appearance.

While he had appeared fine (other than not knowing her) when she had approached him in town not long ago, Killian now seemed a lifeless statue before her. Emma could not stop the emotion that welled up in her chest as she reached out a hand to touch her love and found his skin chilled, glacially cold, with no rise and fall of air in his chest, not a flicker of life in that lively, beguiling face, no lean into her touch that she had come to adore. It frightened her how the cold seemed to radiate from within, his brow frozen in a defiant but worried tilt, and the blue tinge of Killian's skin. Frost tipped his black hair, making him appear fragile and gray, as old as he truly was.

Emma ignored the frosty bite to her fingers and laid her hand over Killian's cheek, trying to convey that she was there for him, to comfort him, to warm. Though there was no response, she prayed he was aware, that he felt her beside him somehow. He couldn't be…gone. He just couldn't. They had come too far to have their chance at happiness stolen from them now.

"What did you do to him?!" she yelled at the malevolent being who still refused to show her face. Anger flared within Emma, bringing a crackling warmth under her skin against the frigid air. For a moment, she didn't even care if the magic she conjured against this foe was light or dark, and sparks crackled at her fingertips in anticipation of a fight.

"Oh, you don't like him that way?" the enchantress pouted coyly, completely unconcerned with Emma's mounting turmoil. "Pity, because I don't think you will be able to do anything about it. Besides, I like him this way – my own lovely little trophy."

"Why?" Emma gritted out, trying to balance between the rage she felt simmering within her at this villainess and the bile rising in her throat at Hook's still form, which she protectively moved in front of, whether or not it was too late. "What did he ever do to you to deserve this?"

"Oh!" the voice exclaimed, then grew noticeably more malicious than it had yet been. "No, no, dear, you're mistaken. The Captain didn't do anything. He were merely handy, certainly easy on the eyes which makes this all the more delicious, but mostly he was my surest way to get to you. I am the Snow Queen. And now that I am here, the Land Without Magic will be mine – just as the far reaches of the realm your perfect parents and the Evil Queen left behind became mine. It was easy to discover that you are the one who could stand in my way, so I needed you debilitated. One can see clearly that whatever small bits of your shriveled, battered heart still work belong to him. Poor man. It was almost too easy. A well-placed story that your 'motor vehicle' had broken down at the town line, leaving you stranded in this unnaturally cold weather, and he walked right into my grasp." The chortling in that light, airy voice made Emma want to scream; she was sure she could have produced a Regina-worthy fireball to fling at this rival's face, if only she would show herself.

"Why didn't you just come after me?" Emma finally asked, dread filling her that maybe Killian was permanently lost to her and it was all her fault. He had charged right into a trap in his infinite concern for her, and she had been the reason he was targeted in the first place.

"Because…as untapped as it may be, your light magic is powerful…and fueled by love. Rather than take my chances fighting you, it seemed easier to weaken you at the source…your True Love."

Emma gasped in spite of herself. She had thought it many times, come to believe it deep within her soul, but never had the words been uttered aloud. Were she and Killian?…Could it be true? If so, then…

"Ah, ah, ah, not so fast," the voice tittered. "It won't be that simple. I froze his heart before I froze the rest of him. A kiss won't fix it, because his heart is no longer capable of feeling. The ice within prevents it."

"So what's your plan? Freeze me too and take over the world?" Emma shot back bitterly.

"After I watch you fruitlessly try to restore your love and bask for a moment in my triumph," the Snow Queen continued, voice going deadly calm and intent, "that is exactly what I mean to do. Without the pirate's steadfast faith to back you, you cannot do a thing to stop me."

Emma turned helplessly to face Killian once more, indeed feeling the strength seep out of her at the thought of him no longer caring, no longer existing at all. She studied his unseeing blue eyes and tried to will him to life again. Burying her face in his chest, now hard as literal rock, she let her silent tears flow unabated at last. She was too late; it was all for nothing. Sobs shook her frame as she clung to him, defeated but unwilling – unable – to let him go. He had fought so hard for her, to bring her back, and now… It would have terrified her at any other time to be falling apart this way, the sheer force with which her tears poured forth and how the warm drops soaked his shirt beneath the stiff, frozen leather of his outer coat.

"Killian," she pleaded quietly, not wanting the psychotic witch still laughing with glee behind him to hear. "Please, Killian. Can you hear me? Come back to me…" Emma pressed her face right up against the spot beneath which his heart resided. She tenderly placed a kiss against the chilled skin there, and suddenly realized that, though wet with the traces of her weeping, it was less frozen than the rest of him, and still warming under her touch, thawed by her tears.

Afraid to make a sound and give the Snow Queen a hint of what was happening, Emma kept her face buried against Killian, running her fingers up to stroke through his icy hair, feeling its strands soften again to their normal texture. She kept her eyes carefully hidden, knowing that the spark of hope kindling in them would give her away. The tears still flowed from her unchecked, doing their job, and she could feel his body returning to life under her fingers as she held him to her tightly. Endeavoring to hide his restoration for as long as possible under the pretext of saying her final goodbye, Emma instead moved in close to soothe Killian when he finally regained awareness – knowing he would be immediately confused and on the alert.

Sure enough, only moments later, Emma felt her pirate's muscles jerk and then clench, his lungs sucking in a desperate heave of fresh air, before his eyes quickly flew to meet hers. "Emma, love, what is it? Are you alright?" he asked with enough love and fear for her in his voice to assure Emma that his heart was once again properly his own.

Blinking back the last of her tears, at least for the moment, she only murmured, "I'm about to be," before surging up to mesh her lips with his desperately, passionately, and with everything she felt for him, even what she had never before managed to say.

He let out a surprised little grunt, and her momentum pushed him back into the wall of snow behind them, caught off guard and still trying to catch up to where he was and what was happening. Nevertheless, his arms immediately wrapped around her and his lips fused with hers gladly, drawing her closer and blessedly kissing her back.

A bracing wind whipped up, whirling around them, snatching Emma's hair and Killian's coat, flapping them wildly; bright light pulsed from where they were locked in an embrace and spread out to illuminate every recess of their enemy's fortress. The Snow Queen howled in rage and hatred. "How have you done this?!" she demanded, the voice no longer light but haggard and raw, scraping desperately in thwarted evil. "It should have been impossible!"

Despite her villainous railing, despite the howl of the wind and the crash of falling chunks of the icy ceiling. The rumbling and tremors of the ground beneath their feet shook them, but nothing could pull Emma and Killian apart now that they were reunited. He clung to her every bit as desperately as she did to him, until suddenly the rattling and reverberations became so violent that they threw Emma into him again, and they were both nearly knocked off their feet.

Pulling away from each other reluctantly at the anguished final wail of the Snow Queen, Emma realized that their foe appeared to be vanquished, gone, and that her lair was falling down around them. Killian pulled at her hand, urging Emma from her shocked stupor and into motion. "Come, Love, we have to get out of here."

At the Snow Queen's defeat, the ice and snow of the chamber walls were literally melting, shrinking as their materials streamed in rivers to the ground. Fleeing his collapsing prison, slipping and sliding, Killian deftly pushed Emma out in front of him the way she had entered, and squeezed through on her heels, just before the opening itself liquefied and dissolved. They could both hear the crushing slough of ice and frost-filled water pouring and cascading down behind them, gushing like a river freed of its dam.

Even running their fastest, Killian and Emma were picked up in the torrent and carried along on the stream across the empty space she had traversed alone not an hour before, until they were deposited, soaked and panting, their relief and flagging adrenaline so great they were laughing in near hysteria, at David and Ruby's shocked feet. Eyes wide, the prince and the werewolf helped both of them to their feet, beyond relieved after having seen Emma disappear into the snow fortress, heard the screeching of their enemy, then helplessly watched the whole mountain start to topple before the princess and pirate had reappeared.

"Are you alright?" her father asked more quietly after stopping his barrage of questions to breathe. He smoothed her sodden hair back from where it was matted to her forehead and tried to peer deep into her eyes, as if expecting her to deflect or put him off.

Emma met his gaze with a gentle smile, then reached for Killian's hand, knowing she would find it there, and twined his fingers with her own. "A warm bath wouldn't hurt either one of us, I'm sure," she joked wryly. Then, with the seriousness of a vow, she added, making sure Killian could see the truth in her eyes, and that it was only because he was returned to her, "But we're going to be fine now."

~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~

A few days later, Killian Jones stood outside the sheriff's station, waiting for Emma to finish her shift. With his arms crossed, leaning against the side of his love's little yellow Bug, he looked the picture of calm, but in truth the reformed rogue was deep in thought. He and Emma were due for their several-times-delayed first date meal within the hour. He was dressed in her world's modern garb for the occasion, a surprise he had managed to carry out for her with the help of Henry and Dave, and though he was not at all sure what he thought of the feel and practicality of the charcoal grey slacks, navy blue shirt and grey vest he was wearing instead of his accustomed black leather, he tried to focus on the amused and affectionate twinkle he hoped to see in Emma's eyes once she glimpsed his effort.

Emma. His heart squeezed at the thought of the danger she had put herself in to rescue her, and at the pain in her eyes when she had gazed at him once they were home again safe and sound, both bathed and warmed in sweats and cuddled under blankets on her parents' couch, with Snow fussing over them and bringing hot cocoa. ‘You didn't know me,’ she had whispered, burrowing into his side and avoiding his eyes as she continued brokenly. ‘I had never told you what you meant to me, and it was almost too late. I was nothing to you. You would have walked away from me like everyone else.’

She had not been blaming him. In fact, he got the distinct impression that she had been heaping judgment on herself. Though he knew as well as she did that the Snow Queen's freezing of his heart had taken his emotions out of his control, he still hated to have caused her pain. How could he have forgotten his love for her? Killian had sworn to himself long again that she would never see him turn his back on her, never betray or desert her as she had suffered so often in the past. Yet, he could see in her pleading eyes that she had believed him gone, that she had felt herself abandoned once more.

There was nothing for it but to start again from that moment. Willingly, he would never do anything but endeavor to bring her happiness. He had already spent too much of his unnaturally long life dwelling on past mistakes and what could not be changed; he still had a future here with his Savior, and they could both find happiness at long last.

It was not much longer before Emma emerged from the station door, sliding her arms into her red leather jacket and looking toward her car to find him waiting. A wide, happy grin broke across her face, more simple and uninhibited than he had seen her wear, crinkling her dimples and brightening her entire aspect. To Killian's eyes, she brightened the very world around her.

She moved to stand before him, smirking at him smugly and reaching out a hand to pull him to her by his vest front. "Told you those modern clothes would suit you, Pirate," she murmured, humming lightly as she leaned in and placed a quick kiss to the tip of his nose, then each of his cheeks.

"Aye, you did Milady," he returned, voice rumbling low and smug smile matching hers. He allowed himself to be pulled easily into her clutches, letting Emma set the pace as she slipped her hands up his back to delve into his hair and pulled his face down to kiss him more thoroughly.

And later, when they entered Granny's together, in full view of the dinner crowd, when Emma lead him through the door by their joined hands, brought them up to her lips, and kissed the back of his palm with a secret, satisfied smile on her face, Killian felt more peace in himself than he had in ages. They were in this for the long haul now – both of them – and done letting anything stand in their way, be it outside threat or their own walls and scars. This was real and True...for all to see.

Tagging a few who might enjoy: @kmomof4 @searchingwardrobes @jennjenn615 @whimsicallyenchantedrose @laschatzi @winterbaby89 @shireness-says @profdanglaisstuff @thisonesatellite @darkcolinodonorgasm @teamhook @revanmeetra87 @thislassishooked @linda8084 @lfh1226-linda @xhookswenchx @spartanguard @therooksshiningknight @hollyethecurious @killian-whump

#self promo sunday #cs three shot ff #cs season four divergent #ouat snow queen au fic #cold as stone

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sharethisgemwithme · 5 years

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Zach and Grace Friday panel at Connecticon 2019

Some highlights and notes from the "Growing Up with Steven Universe" panel featuring Zach Callison and Grace Rolek, Friday afternoon at Connecticon 2019. There are some promo spoilers. Most quotes are approximate from the notes I took on my phone. There may be a recording of the panel, but the camera was blocked by the audience question line for a while and when I got to the front of the line, I saw it wasn't even pointed at Zach and Grace.

Sorted into broad categories:

Movie hype / spoilery talk

Host asked about the poster. Zach said he's kinda looked at it, but not studied it closely. Grace: "Spoiler alert, someone has a neck." Zach: "That's all anyone can talk about."

What's the hardest scene to record that you've done. Zach: "I hate to do this but the hardest scene I've done I did a few weeks ago and I can't talk about it for quite a while." [audience groans]

Audience member: "I have a question about the movie." Zach makes police siren noises, "Oh no the Cartoon Network spoiler police!"

Attempts to get even small details were denied. "So we saw you have a neck. Is your voice going to change?" [pause] Zach: "A week from today (Friday), there's a big panel and there's gonna be a bunch of stuff. I recommend you watch."

This was earlier in the day, when I met Zach in the autograph line. Me: "I'm really looking forward to all the stuff that's gonna come out next week in San Diego." Zach: "There's so much. I'm not going to be there, after six years of going, I need a vacation."

Zach makes ABUNDANTLY clear how excited he is for what's coming up, "I am thrilled with what they've done after CYM."

Reaction to the new gems from CYM. Zach: "Sunstone is one of my favorites now. Like an after-school camp counselor." Grace: "Obsidian is one of the hardest secrets I've ever had to keep on this show." They finished recording CYM in 2017!

Have you ever cried in the recording booth? Zach: "Over a dozen times. One time really badly... with something that hasn't come out yet."

What's the biggest theme you've taken from the show? Zach: "I'm really sorry to do this, but I'm gonna skip this question because the theme I take away is something that hasn't come up in the show yet." He says the show has become intensely personal to him and his experiences, both intentionally and unintentionally, and says if he accidentally gave hints as to upcoming themes, it wouldn't be fair to the crew. (This probably ties in with some of the stuff below under “Outside of SU”)

Favorites and funniest

What's the hardest scene to record that you've done. Among stuff that's aired, Zach: Storm in the Room. Connie: "Either Nightmare Hospital or Full Disclosure when Connie is like 'Stop ghosting me, Steven!' "

What are some funny moments from recording? The opening scene from "Winter Forecast", the directors INSISTED on real marshmallows, "nothing else would do". Grace: "And these were not small. There's jumbo and then there's novelty size." Zach: "They got novelty size." Grace: "I could barely fit one inside my mouth."

Favorite episode (this question might've had a "besides the Big Plot episodes" caveat).

Zach: "Onion Gang. Any of the weird Onion episodes."

Grace: "I realize this is an unpopular opinion but I love the Ronaldo episodes. I have a Keep Beach City Weird sticker on my laptop. I don't like having stuff that's too overtly Steven Universe because I don't like to toot my own horn, but KBCW is great because it's 'if you know, you know'." Zach: "It's a lifestyle."

That segued into talk about "Rocknaldo", which Zach thought was hilarious, especially the way CN trolled everyone with the Bloodstone promo. Grace "Was that the one where Ronaldo tried to kill someone in the basement?" Discussion brings up that's "Horror Club". Grace continues, "That was a great one, like what are we DOING? No one went to jail for this?"

Favorite songs:

First, ones that they did.

Zach said "Let's Only Think About Love". I think he added a second one, but my notes say “or” and then stop there so I think I moved on to the next bit and forgot what else he said.

Grace says "Of course 'Do it for Her'" but also that she loved providing background harmonies for "Escapism". "Aly and AJ was the first concert I ever went to, so to do back-up vocals for AJ was the greatest fangirl moment." (There’s been some confusion as to whether Zach and Grace had vocals on that song, it’s now clear that they did)

Then, overall. Zach immediately sings "It's over, isn't it? Isn't it over?" Grace grumbles that she can't take the same answer, so she throws out "Stronger Than You".

"Back in the start of the show, it was a lot more lighthearted. What's the funniest or weirdest line you had to record?" Zach IMMEDIATELY goes into voice: "A boy on the cusp of manhood can't spend the whole day wackering." Grace enjoyed her line from "Open Book": "Of course you like the ending, you LOVE schmultz."

Pivoting into the weirdness of early episodes, Zach says "Frybo and Cat Fingers were back to back, 5 and 6. I don't know how anyone stuck with the show after that."

What's the biggest theme you've taken from the show? Grace: "I think about Mindful Education all the time. Here Comes a Thought is such a great song but also an important mantra."

Other than Uncle Grandpa, what crossover would you like to do? Zach: "I wanna be the very best!" Audience cheers. Grace says she would've loved to do "Adventure Time".

This segues into a joke that people confuse Zach for Jeremy Shada (Finn), in some cases even when Zach is standing in front of a poster that says ZACH CALLISON. Grace says that her boyfriend loves the joke so much that Zach is listed in his phone as "Jeremy Shada".

Behind the scenes

What was it like seeing the show blow up the way it did? Grace: "I used to go on Tumblr and read all the posts, all the reactions people had, but after Jail Break... couldn't do that anymore." Zach: "I poke my head into a reddit every once in a while."

What's it like in the booth with the rest of the cast? Grace: "Deedee and Michaela always get to do the funniest things."

Discussion of how voice acting lends them a little more anonymity than live-action, and there's still a spectrum of how recognizable people are.

Grace recounts a story from earlier in the day, possibly on the way to that very panel. "The elevator was pretty crowded and I was able to get on but Zach wasn't. And as soon as it closed, one of the other people in the elevator was like 'Oh my god, Zach Callison almost got on the elevator with us!' And I was like 'Oh my god, that would've been so cool!'"

Both Zach and Grace recounted times when they've greeted stranger wearing SU apparel and gotten blank stares in response, like, "Uh, yeah, what's your point?"

Zach: "As of Sunday, I'm leaving the country to be a hobo for a bit." He's flying to Siberia, then taking a 62-hour train ride to get on a boat to Korea, where he plans to visit the Korean animation studio where SU is drawn (as seen in "Steven's Dream"), something almost no actors do (apparently Michaela was more or less the first to do so, for any show at all).

Sometimes Grace will have a lot of "catching up" to do with the plot. "One time Rebecca was like 'oh by the way Lars is pink now." Zach jokes, "Lars is pink, Ronaldo and Pearl are married, oh and Steven is dead."

Have you ever cried in the recording booth? Zach: "Over a dozen times." Grace says she has, sometimes in group records.

More joking around: "Yes, I'm Zach Callison, the voice of Onion. I'll be in my booth." "You should have a print that's just Onion." "With the flames behind him."

What were your auditions like? Grace: "I was reading the sides from 'Bubble Buddies', and Connie is worried she's gonna die with no friends and I was like 'This is a kids show? This is a show for children and I'm supposed to say these words?!'" She saw Rebecca Sugar's name attached to the show, which she recognized as a fan of Adventure Time, particularly Marceline "I'm edgy like her!"

Audience member starts her question: "Ohmygod, my heart is in my ass. Wait, can I say ass?" Grace: "You can say whatever you want, you're not under the thumb of Time Warner." Zach: "Technically, I've never signed any NDA. Oh hell, I'm leaving the country in three days. ACT ONE!" [laughter, and he does not continue with joke spoilers]

Outside of Steven Universe

Tell us about yourself outside of Steven Universe. Zach: "I'm a dirty rowdy hippie." He goes to music festivals barefoot (but not urban ones).

Zach talked about some of the over-the-top scenes he's been in or seen on "The Goldbergs", where he plays a minor recurring character, including one where the actual rain they were filming in wasn't enough, so the producers dumped thousands of gallons of additional rainwater on the cast.

Zach said he hasn't auditioned for anything new in a while (I think he said at least a year) because of burnout. Whenever SU may end, he's ready for a break. Following on with that, discussion of what a shitty industry Hollywood is, especially for kids.

Zach: "A lotta people (in this industry), their big break is a show they hate, and that kills me to think that. And it couldn't be further from the truth for anyone in SU. If I had booked a live-action sitcom that ran six seasons, I wouldn't be here. I'd be in a much darker place."

What would you be doing if not this?

Zach: "I enrolled in college, signed up for things, never went to class, and eventually dropped out. I never had any other plan." Ties into further discussion of what an absolute nightmare Hollywood is for kids, that some of his friends from high school are no longer around.

Grace: "I went to college for two years (she would've graduated this spring), trying to make sure I had a plan B lined up. But flying back and forth from San Francisco to Los Angeles was getting ridiculous and I realized I wasn't being fair to my plan A."

#connecticon #steven universe #zach callison #grace rolek

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