#Why did I read this

[xx-killjoy-xx]

I just read a HABIT x Noah fanfic on AO3 and I want to kill myself why did someone do write that how did they even think of it.

[dumbbitchdoestwitch]

TIL knock-off furby goo would taste like a push-pop

I recently had surgery, so I have way too much extra time on my hands. With that in mind, I have fallen down a rabbit hole of unhinged smut. We've gone beyond monster fucking and have somehow landed in a sea of objects I've never been attracted to in my life. In the interest of keeping things simple, I'll split this curse into posts by author, starting with Nicole Parker. Now there are 4 novelas slated to be in this series of short, paranormal romance stories with only 2 having been published at the time of writing. These absolute gems are part of the "kyleverse" which essentially is a universe that includes Kyle. He's not the main character just a very horny and nonjudgmental buddy who helps things along.

RAKE:

The first story in the series, Rake, features a guy who cheats on a witch with the witch's sister and, as punishment, is turned into a garden utensil. He then randomly appears in a woman's garage as a rake and with the help of her fwb (Kyle), realizes he has found the love of his life after hearing her come. As much as my little ace heart enjoys a love story, I honestly would've preferred if our rake stayed a rake if only to avoid the true love cliche. Other than that, I found the BDSM elements fun, but did run into some things that absolutely wrecked my immersion. One being some minor grammar errors here and there and the second, actually important issue being that our rake lover is, presumably, a wooden-handled rake. This is based purely off the cover art and it's not explicitly stated in the story, but I really couldn't get past the coochie splinters. However, coming in at ~35 pages on my e-reader, it's not like this is a huge time commitment. If you're looking for a wham, bam, thank you ma'am with a sweet, horny ending, this may be the smut for you.

FAULTY:

The second story in the series features a knock-off furby (flurbo), who's hornier than any toy I've ever heard of in my life. We open with our fmc wanting to buy a flurbo from a mysterious, attractive shop keep. The full-price ones are a bit expensive for a trinket, so our shop keep recommends buying a "faulty" model. I would like to point out now that the flurbo is described as having coral fur and teal eyelids. So in my mind, this is what that little fucker looks like:

Once our fmc gets the flurbo home and pops some batteries in, we find that it doesn't seem to be faulty. Until our fmc goes to sleep and that freaky little fucker wakes her up standing at the foot of her bed. Oh, and did I mention the flurbo is now SEVEN FEET TALL?? Well, he is! FMC freaks TF out (understandably) and flurbo returns to normal size leaving our fmc to think it was just a wild dream. Until the next night when flurbo and our fmc get a little freaky (turns out that beak buzzes). Disappointingly, our fmc can only fully understand the flurbo when he's in his late night giant horny form, so she gets off but gets no plot info for us.

Following their late night "tickle session", our fmc feels inclined to share what she's been up to with her coworker: Kyle. Kyle, being our weirdly supportive acquaintance for the story, offers to stay over night so our fmc will have someone there to remind her to ask the flurbo how all of this works. You know since flurbo hits it so good our fmc forgets the important stuff. Like clockwork, flurbo comes to bed, we get a tiny bit of info about how to control flurbo's size and then flurbo absolutely rails our fmc with his flurbo cock that rolls out from his battery compartment? Kyle watches and has a grand time by himself, helps clean up our fmc and tastes the flurbo jizz which is when we learn that the neon orange fluid tastes like a push pop. That's also when I got very concerned for our fmc's pH levels.

The next morning, the 3 have an unhinged threesome while our fmc is partially bound. As weird as the whole thing is, I do have to give the author points for 1. having Kyle implement a safe signal (we love proper BDSM rep!) & 2. mentioning Kyle's condom usage (we love safe sex!) & 3. Kyle giving aftercare since flurbo kinda can't do anything except stand in a corner all creepy after.

While neither of these stories made me want to fuck anything, let alone these specific, usually inanimate objects, I will say that they accomplish being quick and dirty short stories about weird sex with a side of kink.

Both are well-written in terms of technical skill although there's a clear improvement going from Rake to Faulty in terms of pacing, structure and form. I would give Rake a 1.5 stars out of 5 (mainly because the coochie splinter thought is unforgivable) and Faulty gets 3 starts out of 5.

[tiny-pteranodon]

"Uncle Vik pinched a mosquito on his arm and licked the blood off his fingers"

ummm yeah hwat teh fukc

[batcavescolony]

Katniss is such an unreliable narrator. She says "Then something unexpected happens. At least, I don't expect it because I don't think of District 12 as a place that cares about me" girl you deliver strawberries to the Mayor, you hunt and trade for the district, when you fell at Prim being chosen someone caught you, when you went to Prim people parted for you, when you volunteered EVERYONE stopped. Idk how to tell you but I think you're a pillar of the community.

[taimanzano]

One of one. One, alone, one.

[heartorbit]

if we could stay connected, just like this

[maladaptive-daydreamz]

I fucking hate this it’s so good

Damn you and your impeccable writing

Last Kiss

Wanda Maximoff x Reader

Word Count: 4696

Anon asked: So I found your page last night a devoured all of your Wanda fics because they’re just so amazing I couldn’t stop reading. Love love love them! Especially the angsty ones, you write them so well and make me feel all the things. As a request (if you’re still taking them) maybe a Wanda x reader fic based on the song Last Kiss by Taylor Swift, especially the bridge of that song. I just think you’d do the heartbreak of that song justice.

Warning: None? I don’t think. There’s a very short heated makeout session tho. Other than that… this is just a lot of fluff (and… well. Angst.)

A/N: I’m honored that you read all of my Wanda fics in one night, but holy shit, that’s a lot of reading for one night. Also um, someone needs to remind me to read the full ask before writing. Because I most definitely missed the part where you said the bridge of the song. I’m so sorry, hopefully you still like the fic 

Taglist: @mionemymind, @supersourlemon13, @olsensnpm, @invictusbabey, @idek-5, @vancityfire13, @peabrain112

All I Know (Part Two) // Drabbles [untitled] (Part Three) (Part Four) (Part Five) // Breathe (It’s Out Of My Hands) (Part Six)

You’re not sure when everyone got in. But sometime between staring at the ring and falling to your knees, your friends had made it into the room. 

Someone kneels down in front of you, trying to catch your eyes. You think it’s Tony. But you’re not sure. 

The brown eyes in front of you keep turning into green tear-filled eyes.

The worried voice asking you what was wrong keeps turning into phrases of “I’m sorry,” “I can’t do this.”

The room was too crowded. Too stifling. 

You couldn’t breathe.

You pull at your collar. Something rips. Whether it’s your clothes or your heart, you couldn’t be too sure. 

Stumbling to your feet, you push past the people in the room and make it out the door.

Someone’s calling your name. 

Someone’s asking what’s wrong.

Well. That’s the question of the day, isn’t it? Where had it all gone wrong?

Keep reading

[originalartblog]

Someone's last crush didn't live up to the hype 😬

[egophiliac]

buckle up lads we're going BACK INTO THE BOOK

[okidraw]

i wanted to show them the stars.

[overlord-rey]

If I must suffer the knowledge, you must too.

Whenever I see anything like this my first thought is that @thebibliosphere will know what these words mean.

[blueboyluca]

“When I first heard it, from a dog trainer who knew her behavioral science, it was a stunning moment. I remember where I was standing, what block of Brooklyn’s streets. It was like holding a piece of polished obsidian in the hand, feeling its weight and irreducibility. And its fathomless blackness. Punishment is reinforcing to the punisher. Of course. It fit the science, and it also fit the hidden memories stored in a deeply buried, rusty lockbox inside me. The people who walked down the street arbitrarily compressing their dogs’ tracheas, to which the poor beasts could only submit in uncomprehending misery; the parents who slapped their crying toddlers for the crime of being tired or hungry: These were not aberrantly malevolent villains. They were not doing what they did because they thought it was right, or even because it worked very well. They were simply caught in the same feedback loop in which all behavior is made. Their spasms of delivering small torments relieved their frustration and gave the impression of momentum toward a solution. Most potently, it immediately stopped the behavior. No matter that the effect probably won’t last: the reinforcer—the silence or the cessation of the annoyance—was exquisitely timed. Now. Boy does that feel good.”

— Melissa Holbrook Pierson, The Secret History of Kindness (2015)

[amnestyliketaz]

in honor of the nimona movie (it’s so good i’m gonna scream and cry for the next million years) i must share my favorite nimona art ever

drawn by ND stevenson ofc and posted on twitter a few years ago i believe

do i even have to SAY anything? the shark, it’s not rocket surgery, baby nimona, the DOMESTICITY of it all im gonna explode

UPDATE!!!! GAY DADS AU THREAD https://twitter.com/gingerhazing/status/1676058949504892928?s=46

[heavy-duty-perfume]

"Is a man truly free when he can't sing with glee?" asked Trevor, the homeless leper, in his substance-induced delirium, and with one swift motion drank the last bottle of spinach-flavoured nail polish.

His partner, Penelope, squawked in her stupor. That could have meant only one of three things - she either agreed, disagreed, or was experiencing abdominal pain. They ingested some pebbles a few weeks ago and her allergies were acting up.

Trevor took good care of Penelope since the day they met. Although the times were not always easy, especially because they aren't able-housed, their mutual love grew and grew. Trevor was mindlessly reminiscing of all those days spent together, their warm embraces, their highs and lows, while equally mindlessly watching Penelope struggle with her breathing.

Today was the day, Trevor thought, the day their intimacy must end, the day he will eat her. Nobody will miss her except for him. She was his favourite pigeon.

[mouth-of-sauron]

I mean 🥲 fuck 🥲

I AM NOT OKAY ABOUT BOROMIR

He lives his entire life in a country that's facing off against the forces of evil incarnate. The borders are shrinking yearly. Their people are dying faster than they are born. He is the son of the Steward; he must be aware of all of this from his teens.

He grows up. He grows into a general. Now every loss is on him. Every father who won't come back to his sons. Every husband who won't come back to his wife. Every son who won't come back to his parents. Every inch of ground lost. He knows it's inevitable. He knows this is an unwinnable war. It's still his orders, his men, his country. He's failing them. Nobody could succeed, but it is him that fails all the same.

He gets sent off on a quest that roughly amounts to a modern British soldier being told (in a dream) 'go find Camelot, talk to the brownies, and get Arthur to come back here with Excalibur and save the day'. He goes, because those are his orders, and he's a good soldier.

He gets yanked into the weirdest spec-ops mission in history. They are trying to destroy an atomic bomb engineered by Satan. Half the participants are the aforementioned brownies, who are waist high and have manifestly never been in so much as a skirmish in their lives. (He tries to teach them how to use a sword, in the hopes that they won't die if there is an actual fight.) One is a wizard, two are somewhat more mundane myths, and one is a weird scruffy wilderness man that people keep telling Boromir to swear allegiance to. He goes along with it because he doesn't really have orders in this situation, but when he suggested using the atomic bomb, the wizard got very angry and swore a lot in a language he didn't understand and made the sky turn black, and everyone else seemed to view this as conclusive.

(The atomic bomb could save his country if they were allowed to use it, he's pretty sure. He tries not to think about that.)

For some reason, the wizard and company are determined not to go back to the nearest fortified city and regroup. They are determined to go straight to the heart of the enemy's realm. In the course of this determination, they get chased by crows, they climb a mountain which might be sentient and trying to kill them or might just be having a snowstorm because of an evil wizard, and they get buried in snow. The hobbits almost die.

Wizard and company still refuse to return to the fortified city and regroup. They go into a mythical city where there are supposed to be friends, and they find halls full of bodies. (This is more familiar territory than he wishes it was.) They get attacked by a giant lake squid. People keep throwing hobbits at him. (Seriously, Boromir gets so many hobbits chucked at him over the course of this movie.)

They get trapped inside the fallen mythical city. They've almost made it through when one of Actual Satan's massive fire-demons starts chasing them. (Keep in mind that the Balrogs were last heard of at the end of the First Age, and Boromir is a soldier, not a scholar. From a modern perspective, this is something like having a dragon the size of an airplane show up and attack your military platoon.) The wizard dies fighting the fire-demon. He pulls the hobbits out, keeps the dwarf from running back inside (to do what, Boromir doesn't know, but Gimli probably doesn't know either; Boromir has seen men get like that before when someone dies in front of them), and accepts the orders from the weird scruffy wilderness man because he seems to at least have an idea of where to go.

He follows the wilderness man right into another myth. He meets a woman who reads his mind and tells him that there's hope for his country to survive. (Boromir has not had hope since he realised that Gondor's borders were shrinking year by year and their army dwindling and their allies weren't coming to aid them. This probably happened roughly when he was sixteen. He is forty. Hope, even the idea of it, hurts so much more than despair ever did.)

When they are on the verge of leaving even the vestiges of friendly territory behind, he finally asks for the chance to use the enemy's weapon. He is shut down. He tries to take it by force (the only thing crueller than being given hope is having it taken away)...he does and says things he never thought he'd say or do.

He tries to hurt someone he's sworn to protect.

He's sorry. He's so terribly sorry, but the damage is done. Frodo has run from him like he's an orc.

There are actual orcs. Everywhere. He doesn't know where they came from but he finds Merry and Pippin. He fights to protect them. For a while, it seems like he will be enough, for this at least. (All his life, he has not been enough. Not enough to protect Gondor. Not enough to persuade Aragorn that it is worth protecting. Not enough to resist the temptation of the Ring.)

Once again, he isn't enough. He loses.

He watches them be dragged away, shouting for him as he kneels, helpless, struggling for breath against the arrows piercing his chest.

And then. And then, for the first time in who knows how long (perhaps for the first time ever) someone takes the weight off of Boromir's shoulders. Aragorn arrives. Aragorn fights to protect him, and promises to defend Gondor in his place. He promises, I will not let our people fall.

For the first time since he first realised what was happening to his country, Boromir has real hope. Perhaps Aragorn can do what he couldn't. Perhaps Boromir never needed to win the war. He held out until Aragorn came, made sure that the promised king of legend had a country to return to, and perhaps...perhaps that was enough.

Maybe Gondor will survive this. Boromir won't, but that's alright, if his people (his brother) do.

He swears his allegiance to Aragorn now, taking back his words at the Council, with the last of his breath.

Then he dies.

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Who is this sassy lost child?

[First] Prev <–-> Next