#I mean personal judgement I think it’s kind of weird to identify as a girl or act like a child once you are an adult. which is why I don’t

[visenyaism]

no you're being terfy for trying to shame women who DO want to be feminine and cutesy, we're still women even if we're not your perception of women

Explain to me how it is transphobic to say that you should not joke about how you are bad at math because you are a girl because that is misogynistic. Actually, explain to me why it’s cutesy to say that girls are bad at math. How is it feminine to say that girls are bad at math. How is that particular message factoring into your gender presentation. What is feminine or cutesy about thinking women are worse at any implied skill than men like either the skill level or the gender are immutable absolutes. What is going on

[seeminglyseph]

I'm gonna say it. There are more reasons for lesbians and trans women to have solidarity than there are for them to be at odds. Like. We're both meant to feel like predators in women's spaces for circumstances we can't control bc straight women see us as inherently perverse for no reason. Tbh guys let's all just chill u know? Idk I just thought I of all people would appreciate the take

I definitely do, I think, I grew into my identity as an adult through the lesbian community. Just the same as my butch sisters I heard straight girls whisper about how they'd rather run naked through the boy's locker than know there was a lesbian in the girl's. I think gnc women know the trauma of forced feminization almost all afab people face as a product of a lot of 'right way to be a girl' situations (how hard do we have to fight with stylists to get short hair? how often do women get assumed to not care or be reckless or slovenly just because they present masculinely? It is traumatizing for everyone trying to be forced into a mold, it's just a different kind of traumatizing when you also happen to be a man.) It just seems like being 'allowed' to be masculine is such a freedom. But the reverse is true for trans women, and part of it is acknowledging the way we raise cis boys is fucked up and deeply damaging, same with women. (and baby boys are still victims, no baby boy has power that he uses to abuse, baby boys are just as vulnerable as baby girls to manipulation, judgement and pressure to fit a certain mold.) So it means admitting there's something traumatic about growing up amab, and that someone will want what I found traumatizing. but really it's the same problem we're all facing. Society has an idea of who we are supposed to be and punishes us for not being it. I've known cis straight allo people who just dress non-conforming talk about how much pressure they are under just existing outside the mold, and I think we keep blaming our own for why people treat us like shit, but it's not our own.

So I feel like instead of arguing how much everyone's experiences differ it would be so important to embrace the things we all know. Trans women and lesbians are often both considered doing femininity "wrong" because it's not the tradwife goals no one actually meets. I feel like ~*somehow*~ ~*very mysteriously*~ the rhetoric that trans women were the reason lesbians face oppression, or that they should narrow the view of femininity again so as to look mainstream and back to the weird tradwife trend but with other women started rising. The term "Lesbian Utopia" floats around and smooshes lesbian relationships into a certain kind of box.

Honestly I think TERFs damage themselves plenty as well, narrowing down the correct presentation of womanhood to a different oppressive standard doesn't fix anything, and honestly most butch lesbians I know are just as victimized by this radicalized idea of the 'acceptable' lesbian. Much as they argue that we're transing their butches, so much radfem ideology identifies butch women as dangerous due to their closeness to masculinity. The idea that either femininity or masculinity is inherently bad or good is flawed to the core, because identity and gender expression is so personal two people could feel the same things and identify different and be completely correct about their own feelings. There are dangerous men and there are dangerous women and there are dangerous nonbinary people. But it isn't because of gender, or sexuality, it's down to the person. People make decisions to do bad things, and all they stand for is themselves. (though identifying as a terf is seemingly drawing your identity from a place of hatred and defines femininity as both ultimate purity and the highest form of suffering. Very catholic. Not a fan. develop some identifying features that don't revolve around hating other people it's weird.)

[aliaslua]

Right to live

Chapter 02 of my on going series: In broad daylight

Chapter summary: Michelangelo has a productive therapy session after his interview. April and Casey announce their wedding and in a jealousy crisis, Donatello has his first one-night-stand. Warning: This chapter contain light smut (mature, not explicit) if you're a minor please DON'T INTERACT. TW: Trauma mention (nothing too graphic or descriptive, but it does contain a short account of a panic attack).

Michelangelo started therapy after his first panic attack.

It was - maybe - the worst night of his life. At that point in time he didn’t even knew what a trigger was - and even if he did, he wouldn’t be able to identify or anticipate his reaction. If felt like he was dying in a literal, visceral sense. It was like having a bomb growing inside his shell, the beating counting down to a heart attack, he felt his lips cold, his head heavy and the touch of Donatello’s hand in his shoulders felt cold against his skin for the first time in his life. He could still remembers his brothers calling to him and his inhuman effort to look them in the eyes, just as he gazed into the house he grew up in and didn’t recognize the color of the new floor tiles.

The rest was a blur.

Dr. Miller was April’s last effort to persuade Leo and Raph that Mikey needed professional counseling. At this point, Mikey didn't have enough will to have a strong opinion on his treatment, he didn't have the will to do anything, really. All his days were spent sleeping by day and having terrible night anxiety, followed by an earth-shattering cry until morning, when he went back to sleep.  Despite their best effort to care for and protect the younger sibling, all of his brothers knew that he had become impossible to handle - and more important than that, his emotional and physical dependency got so intense that it was perfectly clear that there was nothing they could do: Michelangelo need help, professional help.

On the first day they entered Dr. Miller’s office, April had reassured everybody she had send the therapist recent photos of Mikey and explained all his possible triggers in detail. The clinic would open two hours early so that they could have privacy and that this first encounter would include Mikey, his brothers and Sara Miller only.

Mikey was so nervous he felt like this situation alone would end up triggering his next attack: his hands were sweaty, his chest heavy and the feeling in his stomach made him realize that maybe he would throw up all those recent pizza slices. When the door to her office opened, he felt an immediate relief upon looking at her.

Sara (as he would start calling her later) was a 67 years old black woman, wearing a knitted cardigan and a puffy ponytail. She looked at him with eyes free from any king of judgment: any kind of feeling at all, actually, it was very… neutral. After gazing at him and his brothers she had smiled lightly and then calmly said:

"Good morning. I am Dr. Miller. Are you Michelangelo?" Mikey just nodded " Welcome. Please, come in.”

So he did, on that Monday morning and all the next yet to come, for two years straight.

━━━━━━ • ✿ • ━━━━━━

“Did you see the interview?” Mikey asked just as he entered her office, not even worrying about greeting Sara.

“Yes I did.” She answered with the same peaceful deep voice, unbothered by the absence of a greet “You looked very handsome.”

“I sure did!” The mutant turtle seated at the large red sofa, his body melting in the comfortable cushions, he grabbed one of the small pillows behind him and held it tight against his chest “Ugh! It was so fun!”

Sara smiled. She always gave him a kind of smile that made Mikey feel like she was the perfect embodiment of a fairytale grandma and for the first time, Michelangelo actually considered she might actually be someone else’s grandmother.

“I am glad to hear that. Did you do the exercises he practiced?”

Mikey hummed “It helped. But what really made all difference was that Leo was there. And April. Oh, April is getting married!” He announced “She and Casey told us about the engagement just after we all saw the interview air. It was a great night.” He stopped for a minute and laid his head against the couch, focusing on the abstract painting that always caught his attention since the first day he sat there, he knew his voice let out a sadness he was trying to hide. He didn’t need to pretend there.

“It was… Weird, I guess… Like, I should be happy for them, right? Casey is a nice man, he treats her right, they already have a life together, an apartment with a huge TV and an aquarium… I can’t argue with that, right? Right?” Sara didn’t answer, Michelangelo laid his head completely on the couch, staring at the sealing “She was my first love…. Or something like it. I feel so attached to her and…” He sighed deeply and closed his eyes, trying to measure all the feelings filling his chest “...I think I… Should I feel happy for her? Because I felt… Huh, I felt betrayed.”

“Do you feel resentment?” Dr. Miller finally asked, gazing calmly at him.

“Yeah, I guess… I didn’t know what I expected... and I don’t want to marry April. Not anymore, I mean. She is like a sister to me. No! It’s more than that… She’s like… I- It just.. it was all so fast! Everything is so fast right now, and she decided to announce just as the interview ended and I felt so… I felt so overshadowed!”

“You felt it was your night.”

“It WAS my night. And I don’t mean to sound selfish, you know? I just… Wished they had waited.”

Sara looked at her patient making a conscious effort to avoid giving away her own feelings, the enormous man in front her had a gloomy expression and tired eyes.

“Mikey, is not the first time you mention feeling like this.”

“Like what?”

“ Overshadowed .” She quoted him.

“Yeah… I guess it's something I’ve been feeling for a while.”

“You mentioned once that you felt… Smushed, is the word you used.”

“Yeah. Smushed between my brothers.”

“Hmm” Sara nodded “What about that?”

“Well, you know about that… They are all special in their own way. Leo is the leader, Raph is the muscle, Donnie is the genius, I am the… Comic relief?”

“You sound like you are all characters of a cartoon.”

“We look like it!” Mikey said, humorous. Sara did her best  to contain a tiny smile that formed in her cheeks.

“Well, you are your own person, Mikey. You don’t have to fulfill an imaginary role you fantasized for yourself.”

“Yeah I feel like you’re always telling me that.” He sighed “What this has to do with April?”

“You were telling me about her engagement…”

“Yeah. It was crazy… I mean, me, Leo and Raph kept it together but Donnie just… Bolted.” A nervous laugh escaped him “She told the news and he just… Left. I guess it was too much for him. You know, April was the only person we knew for so long… It was only natural to fall for her, right? She’s so nice, kind, and after the expected first meeting shock she treated us with… Dignity is the world Master Splinter likes to use... But then we all grew out of it.”

A long silence followed before he complemented:

“I guess Donnie didn’t”

━━━━━━ • ✿ • ━━━━━━

Donatello felt his feet too tight against the leather shoe and considered for the third time on that evening that maybe this was a terrible idea.

Ignoring his own better judgement, he knocked.

Alicia Ellis awakened in him two utterly contradictory and madding feelings: disgust and lust.

Many times he had tried - and succeeded- at disguising the amount of attention he paid to her body, especially since the context they first met didn’t allowed for flirtatious endeavors and despite knowing his physical body was searching it’s hormonal peak, Donatello proud himself on being utterly respectful: an effort that he felt he was making alone. Ellis never even tried to hide her indiscreet wants, playing with their encounters just enough to not be considered harassment, but clear enough to not allow ambiguity. Was that even possible? Donnie asked himself. Did it even matter now?

He felt disgusted mostly towards himself, actually, knowing full well why he had come to her apartment after that eventful night, just as the women he thought he could win over announced her engagement to the man he honestly felt he could one day surpass - pathetic, he beat himself again, cringing at the mere fact he once imagined a possible future for them, together. What a pathetic, emotional, delusional monster you are, dreaming about the pretty girl that once held your hand… And now you surrender to your most selfish desire, luring this woman who will be stupid enough to let you in.

This is going to ruin you. Was the last thing he thought before she opened the door.

She was astonishingly beautiful, with her thick luxurious wavy hair and round plump figure, pressed against a tight outfit he didn’t have enough interest to notice in detail.

“Took you long enough.” She said in a malicious tone, grabbing him by his belt. The apartment was warm, had a delicious floral smell and it was lit in subtle yellow light that mimicked candles. It was sexy, inviting and terribly scary, just like her.

This is going to ruin me . The feeling echoed towards Donnie as he willfully closed the door behind him.

It wasn’t hard for him to understand why a woman like her would take interest in being with a man like him, the internet had allowed Donnie to have a very indiscreet access to the human world - especially since people seemed really comfortable in sharing online things they wouldn’t even tell a best friend - and he knew way before they even came out to the surface that most probably wouldn’t be difficult to find someone willing to share a bed with him. Alicia was just a part of a very niche - yet not so small as one may think - group.

The thought brought him a small relief and a strike of courage that he much needed at that moment.

“I didn’t think you would come.” She said, bringing two glasses of a clear-yellow liquid. What an inappropriate move to bring a glass of white wine to a young adult not-yet-of-age , his better judgment told him as he accepted the glass, but wasn’t he 21 yet? Yes, he was... Maybe it was just judgment.

“Me neither” He answered after a sigh, too honest for his own sake.

“What changed your mind?” She mischievously asked, crossing her legs in an angle that brushed against his knee.

Donatello considered for a minute to said the truth, my heart was broken and honestly I really want to have sex, how would she respond to that? Was there a polite way of saying it? Instead, he said: “I’ve decided to change my approach on things.”

“Oh, really?” She smiled honestly “...And how’s that gonna happen?”

I will take every opportunity that life gives me, irrespective of its consequences, “I’ll stop sabotaging my wants…” He turned his body a little bit in her direction, he had planned a second sentence to follow but it seemed like he had already said all she needed to hear.

She slid her knee between his legs to climb his lap, brushing the space between the buttons of his shirt lightly. How quickly she hopped on top of him and how quickly his body responded to the feel of her warm perfumed breath against his neck. “That’s great to hear.”

It wasn’t Donatello’s first kiss but the tension of feeling the soft lips of a woman he barely knew nothing about added to the oh-so-suggestive friction of her thighs against  his zipper made it an entirely new experience. If he granted himself a moment of reason, Donnie would most likely find her too hurried and eager - but again, what was his experience in this field? Wasn’t this how the encounter should go? What else was he expecting? Independent of what his reason may have considered, the friction of her palms against the now prominent bulge in his pants added to the delicious sounds coming from her throat made every single indecision go away.

He felt his head light and dizzy as their tongues danced against each other and the urge to feel relief made him bold. She answered the squeeze he gave her bottom with an audible moan that gave Donatello’s stomach a cold wave of shock along with the first visible stain in between his paints. She felt the thickness of his fluid against the fabric and smiled against his lips.

“Such a passionate… response.” She said in what sounded like a performative tone - well, she was a journalist.

He took her incentive and slide her tube dress above her ass, stoking it as he lowered his lips to her neck. Her skin was soft and the way it reacted to his mouth - the small flinches of her body and the building pressure between his legs could only compare to the amazing feeling of her silk soft thigh skin. She used her hands to guide his head further down, lowering the piece of garment herself, he instinctively took one of her nipples in his mouth, enjoying the contrast between the soft skin of her breasts and the beaded texture of her nipples.

When Alicia laid her body against him on the couch, he followed her moves and felt the soft pillow against his head, the discreet but unmistakable sound of his zipper being opened followed by her stocked gasp at his member followed by “Oh I’m gonna have fun tonight!”. Donatello held her waist closer to his own, trying to reach her lips again, wondering if he could say the same. The warmth between her legs and the delicious feeling that jolted through his body and she aligned him to her entry - and the irresistible pleasure of feeling his tip tease her plump lips - made him think that the most likely answer was yes .

...And what an unnecessary concern the wine proved to be: he didn’t even get to drink it.

━━━━━━ • ✿ • ━━━━━━

“...you know, Raph made a friend.” Mikey had stood on his feet and now looked through the squared window. He had a regular habit of standing up during the sessions, usually as they were reaching the middle of the appointment. Sara it wrote down anyway, before adding:

“Really?”

Mikey hummed “...It’s a complicated story - but he left to buy a bear, this old man didn’t want to sell it to him, so he got really angry, so someone threatened to call the police, so he started to freak out and then this… girl appeared!”  He was switching his body height between his legs “Clara. What a name! Heh- I don’t get to say that, huh? Well, her name was Clara and he said she looked like an anime version of a character from Fresh prince of bel air … Can you imagine?” He turned to look at her. Sara just nodded.

“Wanna hear some really crazy stuff? Raph told me that they were talking and she told him she saw my interview… and she said she was in love with me!” He offered his therapist an incredulous happy smile “ME! Can you believe it?”

Sara hummed and made another note.

“I know she was kidding, I don’t think she loves me. But saying it like this sounds like… Like I am a celebrity! Like she would like to know me… Like…”

“Like you have been seen.”

“HELL YEAH!” He exclaimed, sitting down on the couch again grabbing his trust-worthy pillow “... And that sucker didn’t even got her number…” A deep sigh followed silence. Very discreetly, Dr. Miller checked her watch.

“It doesn’t matter, really, it just made me realize… That I wished I had someone…”

More silence.

“-I know I already have someone, if that's what you’re gonna say… I know my brothers are my care net and that I have friends and confidants, and bla bla bla”.

“Well I wasn’t going to…” She said peacefully.

“ I want… A lover . Someone to be my special one. Someone to cherish and spoil and share my life with! Someone who can say they’re in love with me… For real.”

More deep silence.

“... And why don’t you?” She finally prompted. Michelangelo turned to look at her with a impatient expression:

“Are you kiddin’ me?”

“I am definitely not.”

“You can’t be that cynical!”

“I am not.”

“Sara…” He sighed uneasily “... not this again.” she heard pain in his words.

“You have the right to live, Mikey.” She gazed at him with the same kind eyes, letting her strong words get to him “...Just like anyone else.”

This time, that was an anxious silence. Michelangelo rubbed his hands together as if he was facing a cold storm “What if it happens again?”

“Then you will do what we practiced.” She waited for an answer that didn’t come “... Do you wanna remember it once again with me?”

He simply nodded.

“I am more…” She started.

“...than people perceive me.”

“I’ve the right…”

“...to occupy space.”

“No one…”

“No one can deny me my right to live.”

“That was great, Mikey.” Dr. Miller said kindly.

He squeezed the tears away from his eyes, not even realizing they were there. “...Yeah… Yeah, it was.”

━━━━━━ • ✿ • ━━━━━━

It was certainly.... Memorable , Donatello thought, staring at his brand new shoes as they made the path back to the lair. How was it again that he found himself in that situation? That sad looking, empty feeling, walk-of-shame. Oh, yeah, Alicia Ellis.

Something felt terrible wrong about that whole endeavor. He tried to think about the details, to analyze the facts: it has been clearly consensual, sober, communicative sex. So why did he feel like some part of him had been left behind in that apartment? Was it his clear shyness when they finally consumed the act or her generous overlook at his even clearer lack of experience? Had him fail his mission? Factually not! He performed… Fine - it was hard to measure, but she seemed pleased enough. He was also pleased… Physically, at least.

So why did he feel so… Empty?

He walked among the streets of New York without the concern his older brother seemed to carry. Donatello was always really good at not carrying - just as he was good at carrying too much . Oh, yes, his overthinking nature was still going to kill him, no matter how hard he tried to pretend like it didn’t matter at all.

Nothing mattered, everything mattered. What a contradictory and childish state of mind. Could he ever find balance? Would he ever be able to take risks and still be prudent? To be disappointed and not lose all faith? To love deeply and move over from it, stronger and ready to love again? Did he ever truly love her ?

He remembered her ring shining against the light, mocking his defeat. A zirconium, Casey Jones…  Can’t even buy her a real diamond . He muttered to himself and the night, kicking a small rock in the path.

The worst part, the real strike of the devil - was the fact that she looked immensely happy. Heartbreakingly happy. And there was nothing, nothing in this world that Donnie could think that could justify taking this away from her - not even the fantasy that she could be happier.

He took a deep breath and grabbed the keys in his pocket. That was no way out of it: we would have to get over her. At least now he knew that running away to unknown women’s homes was not a viable solution.

[fairycosmos]

I sometimes feel like, since I realised I was non binary, outside the spectrum, that I was liberated from all form of beauty. I grew up being treated like a girl, and it was shit, so many things I loved were spoiled because of men. In some ways I also think my depression, as horrible and dictative it is, frees me from caring what anyone thought. And also being a fat person, that was the main anxiety, but also fucking owning that now, I can walk with my head high and not give a fucking shit, because if this life is the only one i have I'd rather spend it not hating myself, and not pandering to likes of people who look down or me or hate me. I know no one is gunna like this fat body, so I might as well!! I am my own fucking person without guilt or shame and you my dear deserve to feel that too. ❤

i love this so much!! it's everything. i just want to live my whole life by it. i can definitely see how identifying outside the gender binary can serve as a form of liberation from the rigid expectations of what the world believes to be womanhood. and yeah i think really embracing the shallowness of male validation - and even just societal validation that hinges on conventional beauty - is so paramount and freeing. it's not the kind of respect that is worth spending all of your time and money chasing in the first place because it is so empty. to spend our entire youth so agitated, hating ourselves over whether or not we're fleetingly seen as beautiful by the masses is just so sad. because it means nothing, absolutely nothing. also trying to water yourself down to make yourself palatable to as many ppl as possible just makes it harder to find those who connect with who you actually are as a whole. honestly, the quest for conventional hottness is intentionally designed to be a losing game for the majority and i don't know why i remain so caught up in it. i think it really plays on your fears of how you were treated as a kid if you weren't seen as pretty, or if you were fat - you feel you've always got something to prove, and it's pathological at times. though when it comes to the male gaze sometimes i think, even if i was the standard, they'd probably just see me as a sex doll anyway. sure, at a surface level they'd be nicer, but only because they would have an ulterior motive. i still wouldn't be given that humanity the bullied child in me is always searching for. and is that my issue, or theirs? does it warrant a life wasted on self loathing, like you said? anyway i absolutely agree. anyone that would make such snap judgements isn't going to be a good friend or like, worth your time and energy in the first place. it's almost protective to not conform, in a weird way. your reality is largely yours to curate. and if no one else is going to set those boundaries and advocate for what you deserve then it's such a power move to be your own best friend and do it for yourself. live as if the world already gets it bc the world is yours and YOU get it!! thank you v much for sharing and for being so genuine and kind :)

[ignitesthestxrs]

i apoligze for this in advance but idk who else to ask. so i’m attracted to women like 92% of the time but i’ve been dating a guy for a few months now. it’s not super serious yet but i still find myself feeling sad about never having had a gf/worrying i never will and just feeling like a bad queer. i KNOW that it’s terribly biphobic of me to think that if i a femme enby date a cis dude i’m not queer enough. but i also cant get past it no matter how many times i look at these ugly brain thoughts

first of all: you never have to apologise for sending me stuff like this. it is a known facet of my tumblr, and while i know i am hardly around at all, i do periodically check my inbox and am never angry or annoyed or any other negative emotion to see people reaching out for help/advice. i don’t always have the mental bandwidth to respond, but i am only ever glad that people still consider this a safe place to reach out to.

there are a couple of things i want to address here! in no particular order:

you are not a future teller or a psychic, no matter how much your worries and anxieties insist that they know what is coming. the fact that you are in a relationship with a man in this moment has no bearing on what relationships you may find yourself in, in the future. the fact that the person you are dating currently identifies as a man is no guarantee that they will always identify that way, even! you could be with them for the next couple of weeks or for the rest of your life and there are a million permutations in between and around those two options.

what i’m saying is - obsessing over things you might not do in the future because of things you are doing now is a game that nobody wins. you have no guarantees of what the future is going to hold - you can make decisions now based on what you want and/or expect the future to hold, but stressing about the path not taken means that you’re going to spend all your time straining to see that path and like, walk into a big boulder in the path you’re actually on or something. currently, you’re not even stressing about the fork in the road that you came across. you’re on a single path, and you’re worrying about a path you haven’t come across yet, which may or may not diverge from the path that you’re on, or might be in a different forest entirely and and and- at some point you gotta love the path you’re on and take in the scenery, my darling.

which, incidentally - this path? not incompatible with queerness. and i know you know this, but feeling it can be! so hard! so i am here to remind and reassure you that - queerness is not an action. the nature of identity is not things that you do, it is the person that you are. you do not cease to be non-binary because your outfit changes - your fashion choices are simply a way of expressing your non-binary-ness, and they are not the only way, and if you are not using fashion to express your enbyness then that doesn’t make you not enby. you don’t stop being enby when there is no one there to look at you and make external judgements about your gender, and you do not stop being queer because you are a femme-adjacent person dating a cis dude.

queerness is a thing that you are. you can take actions that express that queerness more clearly to outside observation, but outside observation does not change the fact of your queerness. i will not deny that it can make it easier to participate in community, because community is in part made up of particular signs that individuals recognise in each other and gravitate towards - but who you date is only one such sign. i’m a lesbian who hasn’t dated anyone for over half a decade - am i less queer because i have not hooked up with a chick in that time? i am not. if i fuck a dude am i less of a lesbian? idk man that depends on how i feel about fucking a dude. am i romantically and sexually attracted to the dude, or was his dick just inside me? what if he just uses his fingers? i feel like i could feasibly have sex with a cis man out of sheer curiosity and still be a lesbian, sure, but what if there’s a single man that just perfectly meets me where i am despite my overwhelming preference and interest in women? what if that man is trans? what does that mEAN? at which point do we stop dissecting identity and carving lines into each other?

queerness is a useful umbrella term to cover those people who exist out of heternormativity - cismen attracted to ciswomen, ciswomen attracted to cismen, exclusively. the second the spokes of that umbrella start poking you instead of protecting you from the rain, it has ceased to do its job. identity is useful in that it helps us understand ourselves and it helps us find community in other people, but there are no perfect words that encapsulate the whole of our individual experience, and there are no individual experiences that perfectly match up with another person’s individual experience, even if we use the same word/s to describe ourselves.

you can’t be biphobic at your own experiences. it’s not biphobic to look at the way you have identified previously/up to a certain point, to recognise a difference in your current behaviour, and feel weird or discomforted by this difference. it’s not biphobic to need some time to figure shit out - who you want to be, how you want to identify, what outfit fits you best. i think identity works best as a conversation with yourself - i think we should all be checking in on ourselves to make sure that the way are living is expressing the way we are being. this urge to build walls of definable identity is a protective instinct meant to save us and gather us together from the very real threats of a heteronormative society, but it can also mean we get trapped in a place that no longer suit us.

some practical advice - if the idea of never dating a girl stresses you out that much, i’d take a break from dating this dude, because it sounds like you have some work to do in terms of figuring out what experiences you want to have in life. but only you can decide where that stress line fractures, you know? but if you read this post and you sit with it for a bit and you find that the experience of dating this man is still making you miserable, it’s okay to take some time away from it. you don’t deserve misery.

that being said - like, you’ve only been dating him a few weeks? it’s cool to just envision this relationship in terms of weeks. you truly don’t have to stretch the current experience you are having out to cover the rest of your life in one daunting ‘what if’. so long as everyone involved in a relationship is clear with the terms of engagement, go forth and short term yourself some fuckin joy.

i stress, i beg, do not deny yourself the pleasure of a joyful experience with another human soul now because you are worried about what this means about other people’s perception of some amorphous identity. you are queer. you are a femme-enby person largely attracted to woman, but dating a man. you are queer, you are enough, you don’t need to question that anymore. i think that the last year, last four years, last lifetime has more than proven that life is, frankly, too fucking short. seize your joy and run with it. whether that means dating this man or take a pause to breathe and reflect, or whatever else! you’ll still be queer.

be kind to yourself my love i wish you well <3

[hanamiyaaaa]

ONE PIECE HEADCANONS: Ideal S/O

Monkey D. Luffy

It's already very obvious that Luffy is basically chopper when it comes to sexual/romantic attraction (when not under usopp's influence). Oda stated that Luffy can identify beauty and while this is true, it's also made obvious that physical appearance isn't a major player (at all) for him when it comes to choosing who he wants to drag into his crew/life. That's why if he were to fall in love I'm sure he'd very much see past the cover.

Luffy would want someone adventurous; someone who he could share those thrilling moments with when he feels as if nothing is chaining him down. It would be great to have a wind beneath his wings of freedom, but he'd enjoy a partner who could find their own wind and glide with him. He'd want someone to laugh with, eat with, play with, basically share his life with. It's very important that his s/o would be open enough to let him in and is willing to be involved in his life too. He'd also prefer people who are on the positive end of the spectrum. I can see him being drawn to a cheerful girls and would grow fond of her smile and laugh. Above everything else, his s/o must know the right thing to do. Luffy wouldn't want a saint, if his s/o was too selfless he may even tell her that being selfish sometimes can be okay. Instead, he'd want someone who listens to her conscience and has a sense of sincerity. Patience isn't something that Luffy would actively look for an s/o but would be a good trait to have especially with that devil-may-care attitude of his. He's bound to bring all sorts of trouble to himself (and to the people around him by extension) and get all beaten up so his s/o would repeatedly have to patch him up and then prepare to repeat it all again. She can remind him to be careful, he'd try but will ultimately fail. He'd tolerate your nagging but don't expect him to be tied down.

Roronoa Zoro

Women with a more athletic build would catch Zoro's eyes. Size wouldn't matter as long as they have defined muscles. He'd find her toned curves and well-built shoulders very much attractive, and would be his favorite places to attack during sexy time. Having muscles on her body will give him the idea that she's strong and is capable of taking hard and heavy work which wouldn't be just hot but also really impressive. I think he would find girls with broad shoulders and a pair of long legs to be more attractive because of the way she projects a certain kind of masculinity but maintains a womanly image. Like a female warrior, she’s strong but delicate at the same time.

First and foremost, she must have dignity. She must maintain pride and honor through her actions, words and thoughts. This means she'd have to deliver what she promised, practices what she preached, and stay faithful to her subordinates and master. She doesn't have to play by the rules all the time, but she has to be someone who trusts her strength and abilities to defeat her adversary rather than a person who'd use deceit to win. A victory achieved through dishonesty wouldn't be a victory at all, and nothing would have been proved. Despite Zoro’s proven perceptiveness in battle, he’s socially dense so he’d prefer a woman who would straightforwardly tell him a problem and hurt his feelings than a girl who beat around the bush and hurt his head. Bonus if she knew the things that she wanted and knew how she'd get them. Decisive women would be very attractive to them because that meant they're self-reliant, self-assured and is prepared to face the consequences of their actions. That kind of bravery would impress Zoro, but not the reckless kind of bold. It's a shame for a swordsman to have scars on his back, but if she'd throw away her life for something meaningless just to prove that she can would just look foolish in his eyes even if she ended up surviving. Perseverance would also be an important trait that Zoro would look for a partner. She should have enough self-discipline and motivation to achieve her goals no matter how unimportant they may be, and no matter how difficult things become.

Trafalgar Law

I really feel like women with a light hair color, like platinum blonde or white, and/or a very fair skin would catch Law's attention as it would remind him of Flevance. She would remind him of his cold past, but at the same time remind him of the warmth of his home. Law would find girls with smaller bone structure more attractive. She'd have a thin and willowy build with modest endowments and slender arms and legs. Like a ballerina, she'll be peppered with delicate features that would make up a feminine and gentle image. Law would find tranquility in her simplicity, and would be a sight for his sore and tired eyes.

It's important to know the difference between know-it-all and an intelligent person because the former would only annoy Law while the latter would impress him. A woman who could quickly process a complicated thought and find a way to apply it to her current situation is the kind of intelligence that he's looking for. She should display a sense of caution, a good judgement and the ability to protect herself because Law wouldn't be able to look after her all the time, and he especially wouldn't want to be with a helpless damsel. Maturity would be the next good thing to have because loving Law isn't an easy task. After everything that happened to him, opening his heart once more to love isn't going to be easy. It would be a painfully slow process with a lot hesitation. Things are bound to be frustrating because there would be a time where he'd start opening up but then suddenly takes a step back and begin creating distance, that's why she needs to pack a lot of patience and understanding if she wanted to be a part of his life. Grace is a quality that he may find attractive. A girl who acts in a refined way, and moves with precision and poise would be satisfying and spectacular to watch... just like a ballerina. Also, I feel he'd like soft-spoken girls, Even if she's talkative, he'd enjoy listening to her voice but then he would prefer to hang around someone who can respect and find comfort in silence with him.

Eustass Kid

Kid is a man. A carnivore, above all. Naturally, he'd want meat in the things he eats. He'd be attracted to women on the heavier side. Large busts, wide hips and thick thighs with a proportionally narrow waist would steal his eyes from whatever he's looking. A little muscle would be great too, especially if the ones on her legs are tone and well-built. It would earn her a grin or a smirk from Kid if he saw her flex her legs as she prepares for a kick and then the muscles on her thighs become defined. I also see him favoring fuller and plump lips, liking the way they feel during a kiss and finding beauty in their shape and how they look and feel when it's around certain... things. He'd also find tattoos and body modifications like tongue or naval piercings pretty hot.

They said opposite attracts, but Kid would beg to differ. A girl who can bark as loud and bite as hard as he does would be immensely annoying but at the same time really impressive. She should be able to show him that she's strong, that she can handle herself and the things that come at her. It doesn't matter if she gets bruised and battered as long as comes out alive and victorious, it all makes a good difference. Kid would like to have a woman who he could compete with because a girl who gives up to everything that he says wouldn't be so fun. She should have enough balls to challenge him and stand up with the things she believes in. Restraint wouldn't be matter to Kid, in fact he'd like a girl who could go crazy with him but should be aware and ready to face the consequences that would come with rampaging. He'd also be more comfortable with someone who's a bit crude and emotionally/mentally-strong as compared to goodie-good girls. He's not the most refined person either and he'd definitely never deal with nitpicky people. That'd be so annoying. Honesty would be very important for Kid, and it's something that he'd constantly want her to give him. Don't lie to him, don't hide anything from him because he's perceptive and, I believe, naturally intuitive to know that there's something weird going on in his ship behind his back.

Killer

I feel like Killer would be attracted to hips; a woman who sports hips wider than the rest of her body. Imagine her figure, a bit narrow at the top then it gracefully pours down into a lovely shape that resembles the number 8. The way her hips flick from side to side as she walks would definitely catch eyes, especially Killer's! A little lean muscle is fine here and there, but a girl with too much may be a deal-breaker. She could be strong, but he'd like his women leaning more on the softer side.

Killer would prefer brains over beauty, preferably a rational thinker. She doesn't have to be a genius, but it would matter a lot if she could fight with her wits just as much as she could fight with her fits. Her artful ways of escaping enemies that she deems too strong to fight, and the way she sees beyond the situation and find solutions through unconventional methods would truly change the way he looks at her in a really good way. Killer isn't too different from his captain, or from anyone in their crew. He's just as violent as they are, but being the most reasonable member of the Kid Pirates oftentimes prevents him from going all out in battle. A woman who could lift that responsibility off his shoulder and help him lash out more would really please him. To do this, she'd have to be willing to sacrifice her own fun, otherwise she'd be added to the list of fully functional adults that Killer has to babysit... which isn't helpful at all. A person who's more comfortable in the sidelines and is more interested in supporting the crew would be best for him. A girl with a more passive disposition with an open mind would appeal more to Killer. She doesn't have to be physically strong as he can protect her, but the Kid Pirates has made a lot of enemies along their way so she should be able to keep herself alive at least.

[starkstruck27]

I’m angy

So I was talking with my brother and sister the other night about King Elliot Page and my brother, who is mildly homo/transphobic started in on a big rant about this and that and saying that being trans isn’t a real thing, non-binary people don’t exist, and so on. I tried to explain things to him, but he would always cut me off and interrupt me (which was rude in itself, because I let him finish his sentences). But anyway, I asked him what he would do if he had a son that came out to him as trans (male to female). 

What he said made me so mad.

First of all, he was nitpicking the scenario and making me name every detail (what kind of transformation it was, how old the kid was, do they still live at home, etc. etc.), but when I finally got it all out, he said that, quote, “If I had a son who wanted to be a girl, I mean I would try to talk some sense into them. They’re most likely just doing it for attention or because they want to get a reaction out of me, so I would just kind of ignore it.” So that made me mad enough, but I decided to take it a step further, just out of curiosity.

So I asked if he had a trans kid if he would kick them out of his house. After clarifying that they were 17 in this scenario, he said, “I mean, yeah. Like if they’re trying to make me pay for the useless surgeries and hormones and shit, then yeah.” So I then clarified that the kid would pay for those themselves, and he said, “Well, I mean, I probably still would cuz I don’t want that shit going on in my house. They’re 17, they can get their own place. If they have the money to fuck with their genitals, they have money for an apartment.”

This made me more mad, but still I didn’t say much. Then he asked me a question. He said, “Well, what if I chose to identify as dolphinsexual? I want to be a dolphin.” So I explained that that’s not really a thing, for two reasons. One, being trans has been proven by science to be a real thing, like it actually is a thing in your brain that tells you what you are. Gender is defined by what you identify as, not by what’s between your legs. Sex is the gender your body is, not your heart and mind. And two, being “dolphinsexual” would be a sexuality, not a gender, which would mean you practice beastiality. 

So then he got me started talking about sexualities, and the difference between them. He said he doesn’t believe that bisexuality or pansexuality is a thing, despite me identifying as pansexual and him knowing it. At this point, I don’t think he cared if he hurt my feelings or invalidated me. He just didn’t want to lose the argument. Unfortunately, we’re both really stubborn like this, so against my better judgement, I started to explain. 

I said that bisexuality is a real thing, and that it really depends on the person if they prefer women or men more. Same with pansexuality, but gender doesn’t matter to us really. For instance, I prefer more feminine people as opposed to more masculine people. But I can be attracted to all people. So he starts to nitpick again, and he says that, for one, “If a bisexual person is in a straight relationship, that means they’re straight.” So I said no, that just means they’re in a straight relationship, they’re still bi. This part of the argument goes back and forth for like 10 minutes, until he says “just forget it, tell me about pansexuals.”

So I explain that we can be attracted to anyone, no matter what gender. Again we start to go back and forth with the “There’s only two genders” thing, but eventually I get my point across that that isn’t the case. But then, just as I think I’m finally getting through that thick skull of his, he hits me with “So pansexuals are pedophiles?”

At first I’m confused, and I just look at him weird. “No,” I say, “I mean, I’m sure there are some pedophiles out there that identify as pan, but the majority of us aren’t.” And he says, “But you said you’re attracted to everyone. That includes children.”

“Um, no, that’s not what I said. I said that we can be attracted to anyone, not that we’re attracted to children.”

“So children aren’t people?”

“They are, but when I say everybody, I mean every gender. I never said I was attracted to children.” This goes back and forth for a while and eventually I’m just done. My brother is 19 years old and going to college for a communications degree. He knows Spanish and is amazing at algebra, so he is in no way dumb, but he is so close-minded. He is ignorant and he likes to twist words to make people flustered and then say that he won the argument because you couldn’t come up with a rebuttal. I love him and I always will, because he is my brother, but I swear to God, he is the biggest dick I have ever met. Sometimes I think he cares more about being right in the things he says than the people he hurts in the process.

Now, I know that different people have different opinions, but this just made me mad. My brother has no reason to be this bigoted. My mom and dad aren’t like this, and my sister doesn’t really pass judgement too much. She’s a religion junkie, so she thinks it’s wrong, but she also knows that Jesus said to love everyone, so she doesn’t say much. My grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins are all pretty open-minded as well, except for maybe my dad’s mom, who is like my sister, so where my brother got his hatred, I don’t know. I tell this story, I say all this to say, that there are some people you just can’t change their minds. I know that my feelings were hurt and that he made me very angry, but there was nothing I could do about it, except hope that he will one day get a hit of common sense and human decency. I hope and pray that he says this just to spite me and that he won’t actually do this to his kids. But hey, if he does, they can always come and live with their Aunt Liv. 

[linkspooky]

The Characters of Nisiosin (1)

Trickster - Kumagawa 

Nisioisin is a prolific writer famous for the many distinct characters he creates, and writes with a unique sort of empathy that lets them be their weird and crazy selves without judgement. Okay, with plenty of judgment. This is the start of a new series I’ve been working on which analyzes some of the common themes that appears in Nisioisin’s works with more depth, as Nisioisin is the type who reuses, and recontextualizes old ideas a lot. 

The first thing we’re going to be taking a look at is Nisioisin’s take on the Trickster type character with Kumagawa. I’ll be doing Deishuu Kaiki, and Ii (Boku) to follow up. 

 A. Defining the Trickster. 

Before we determine what a Trickster is we have to define what an Archetype is when it comes to character writing. 

In theory, Jungian archetypes refer to unclear underlying forms or the archetypes-as-such from which emerge images and motifs such as the mother, the child, the trickster, and the flood among others. History, culture and personal context shape these manifest representations thereby giving them their specific content. These images and motifs are more precisely called archetypal images.

In other words they are ideas and images that reoccur in stories all around the world. For example a character like Loki has several things in common with the christian idea of satan even though they come from two different mythologies, both subvert the ‘father-figure’ king of their respective heavens, and both are responsible for kickstarting the chain of events that lead to the apocalypse scenario in both religions. 

Archetypes are characters that follow certain pre-determined patterns we all recognize. Luke Skywalker is what most people would recognize as the hero of the story, Obi-Wan Kenobi is the mentor, just by thinking of ‘hero’ and ‘mentor’ you already have a pre-conceived idea of how the character is going to act in the story. This is a good guideline for analyzing the similiarities between the characters Nisioisin uses in his works. 

The Trickster, Jung says, is an aspect of the shadow archetype, at least in its negative traits (see "On the Psychology of the Trickster-Figure".  Examples of the trickster are Satan, Loki, etc.)

The shadow is an archetype that consists of the sex and life instincts. The shadow exists as part of the unconscious mind and is composed of repressed ideas, weaknesses, desires, instincts, and shortcomings.

If the Hero is what everyone thinks a good guy is, then the Shadow is playfully the opposite of they. They are what everyone thinks a good guy isn’t. They represent the repressed aspect of our minds, and exist to call into question the common order. 

The trickster, obviously, deceives, often playfully, sometimes painfully.     The Fool is a shadow figure distressed by some unconscious lack of power, often driven by greed or an inordinate desire for fame (all archetypes), who projects his or her inadequacies against scapegoats as described above.  The Fool is not always negative, of course.  A relatively benevolent form of the fool is the Clown, who is more aware of his or her trickster aspect, perhaps, than is the fool.  [Source.]

The trickster is what the hero is not. They are the shadow the hero casts. While the hero’s domain is the light, the trickster often works in the dark, behind the scenes sneaking around in the shadows. The hero is often straightforward, the shadow deceives and obfuscates. The hero is conventional and the trickster unconventional. 

In mythology, and in the study of folklore and religion, a trickster is a character in a story (god, goddess, spirit, human, or anthropomorphisation), which exhibits a great degree of intellect or secret knowledge, and uses it to play tricks or otherwise disobey normal rules and conventional behaviour.  he trickster crosses and often breaks both physical and societal rules. Tricksters "...violate principles of social and natural order, playfully disrupting normal life and then re-establishing it on a new basis."

[SOURCE.]

To simplify there are four rules I am going to set as reoccuring in Nisioisin’s use of the Trickster Archetype: 

Introduced as a Villain

Subverts Expectations

Lying, Liar who Lies

Inherent themes of Nihilism

1. Introduced as a Villain

Appearances can be deceiving. It is the trickster’s goal to deceive your expectations, and in that they subvert the natural order. In most stories the hero is good and the villain is bad. Straightforward so far, yes? Nothing is straightforward when a trickster is involved. Kumagawa Misogi is someone who is introduced and built up as the ultimate enemy of Kurokami Medaka. A girl with a noble goal of trying to make everyone happy. Therefore anyone who opposes her would have to be ignoble, right?

Kurokami Medaka brings out the best in people, and Kumagawa Misogi brings out the worst. That is the simple, black and white comparison that we’re given between the two of them at the start of the manga. 

Kumagawa is so inhuman when we first meet him that for the first 52 chapters of the manga, when other characters refer to him and as he’s built up as an antagonist his face is always obscured. He’s not even seen as human in the eyes of others.

However, this simple idea is subverted by the manga itself. Medaka and Kumagawa are compared not as opposites but rather as complemtnary forces who not only have several things in common with one another, but also play into each other. 

Kumagawa is someone who can uniquely understand Medaka’s point of view in a way other people cannot. He’s not someone who opposes Medaka, but rather someone set up to oppose her. Kumagawa is not only aware to some extent that Medaka is the hero of the story, but he’s chosen to make himself the villain. 

2. Subverts Expectations

The entire point of Kumagawa’s arc is that even the absolute scariest types of people the minus, aren’t true villains of the story, even when they don’t want to be sympathized with, even when they don’t want to be saved, they are deep downs still people. 

Kumagawa’s arc intentionally sets up the idea that some characters are natural villains who don’t want to be saved, only to subvert that idea in the end. Tricksters are subversive, they exist to flip standard notions of good and evil, black and white ideas on their head. They are transversive, once they have played their role in the story it is impossible to think of things the same way again. 

Kumagawa is a character who exists to subvert what we call traditionally binary opposites. That is ideas that we think oppose each other. Winners and losers, strength and weakness, talented and untalented, all of these ideas tie strongly into Kumagawa’s character.

Ajimu brings up Kumagawa’s bitterness towards the status quo. The people who are happy are the ones who are currently in power. They are the ones who are able to work hard, they are the ones who are able to have friends, they are the ones who always win in the end. 

Kumagawa’s original goal is to flip those ideas on their head. To show that even people who are outside the power structure, outsiders like him, are able to have friends, to work hard, and to win. 

By doing this he subverts the natural order and turns it around. This is what comes to a head in his fight with Medaka. Usually it would be the winner is the strongest, but the idea is flipped in that fight it’s proven the one who loses more and climbs their way back up is the strongest one.

There is strength in weakness and weakness in strength and these ideas never play in the straightforward ways we think they will. That’s why Kumagawa who identifies as weaker than anyone else, is able to easily subvert the balance of power tip it in his favor and overcome strong people. 

3. Lying, Liar who Lies

Basically Kumagawa lies as compulsively.. He says everything in [brackets like this] and it's like always speaking and using airquotes after everything you say. It makes everything he says sound completely insincere. It’s also a pun for ‘To Show Off’ meaning he exaggerates everything he says in order to look cool. 

Kumagawa will just blantantly lie at times for no reason other than to lie. One of his habits is to claim things aren't his fault when they obviously are. His introduction is screwing everyone to a wall, and then standing there covered in their blood go [I'm not the one who did this, it's not my fault.] His introduction is him rattling off lies mainly to confuse people and make himself impossible to read. 

The key word is once again these expectations. The trickster uses lies as a mean of controlling the expectations of others, playing around with them and he gains some measure of power over this. A trickster is often not very traditionally powerful and has to rely on his wits to get by. 

Kumagawa's life is pure chaos and basically everything ever will go wrong for him, so he tells lies to have some kind of illusion of control over that chaos. People who see life as a story do so to give themselves agency, to trick themsleves into believing they’re the ones telling that story. 

Kumagawa pretending that the world is a manga, gives him the illusion that he can read, and anticipate the world like he would a weekly shonen jump manga. When in reality the world is what it’s always been, complete chaos. Kumagawa tells himself that lie to obfuscate himself because he finds safety in those lies, in no one knowing who he truly is. 

He finds his identity in those lies, which is why he intentionally plays the role of the villain when he could be a hero. Kumagawa will lie about his identity, first to be a bad victim, to be an ugly victim, he pretends these things have value because it's all he has. He only has negative experience of the world and the trauma he’s asquired so far and that’s what he finds familiarity in. Kumagawa finds identity in being the world's biggest loser. 

4. Themes of Nihilism

Kumagawa is a character who directly confronts Medaka’s assertion that she was ‘born for a reason’, by asserting the opposite. That there’s no goal in life, no point to being alive, and therefore humans are born for no reason. 

While that seems like a wholly negative statement at first, the point of Nihilism is to question established ideas and power structures. It’s to dismantle what we are told matters, and what we are told has meaning and instead come to understand our own meaning. 

If Medaka is an existence desperately trying to give meaning to life, then Kumagawa is trying to reject the assertion that life has meaning. It’s understandable why. The values that are said to hold true for everybody else have never once held true for Kumagawa. If you work hard you’ll win. Bad people are the only ones that suffer. If you ask for help you’ll get saved. Kumagawa has witnessed all those things he is told should be true about the world proven as falsehoods, and because of that his response is one of rebellion against the order. 

Nihilism is a step on the way to existentialism. 

In the most basic terms possible it's like. Rejection of societal meanings and values that you are told about -> Rejecting everything which leads to moral nihilism (nothing has meaning boo hoo) -> Realization that if everything is just made up value you can make up your own, and that you're not freed from society's obligations and can pursue what you want (sunglasses nihilism, party time).

Kumagawa as a character is firmly in the middle step. He’s a character who rejects everything, because he finds his identity in his rebellion against traditionally held notions. 

Kumagawa is a character trying to reject what everyone else tells him is meaningful, and instead trying to create his own meaning. He’s trying to find the positives in a life that’s literally nothing but suffering. That’s the point of his whole complex about minuses, that people who have everything go wrong for them still have a reason to smile. 

 Basically Kumagawa's philosophy becomes, if I can endure all of this and still keep on laughing and smiling, then you can too. Even living the worst life possible where you can't accmplish a single thing, and can't amount to anything, you can still find something to laugh and smile about.

It’s a philosophy unique to him, and one that he could only come to by challenging the established norm. Not only does Kumagawa’s nihilism help the minuses, but he also ends up helping Medaka herself as she’s the one who has to let go of the ‘reason that she was born’.

Just like Kumagawa, Medaka has to go and seek out her own reason. As in the end the two of them as a pair, hero and villain, are not opposites but rather two sides of the same coin. They are complentary forces that contain parts of each other. 

They are both ultimately, whether trickster or hero, very human characters. The roles in the story they play only serve to flesh out their humanity. Which is another theme in Nisioisin’s writing, but we’ll continue that in the next posts. 

[lo-lovie]

So ever since I was about ten years old, i’ve been thinking.

I’ve always looked in the mirror and been completely fine with being, well— a woman. And when I say that I don’t mean haveing a vagina, I mean, going by female pronouns, and dressing as such. Now I’ve never beleived clothes had a gender, I think people of any gender or sexuality or people of all kinds shiukd wear whatever the fuck they want. But I’m thirteen, about to be fourteen in January next year, and I am a glad lesbian. I’ve come out to my mother and friends, although still choosing to leave others in the dark.

So in short: I was born biologically female, and may sometimes identify as such. I am a lesbian, I don’t care what pronouns you give me, though I can reference myself as she/he/they whenever. I am and have been for a while, uncomfortable with my... ladybits, and I’d much rather, and can more clearly see myself in the future with a penis. I’m fine with my breasts and curves and face and such, though I’m having trouble with my lower body, clothing and social dysphoria isnt an issue for me. But there isn’t anything I think I could actually do at this age and at this time to really help myself feel better. Not in the long run or til im paying my own bills.

Gender wise, I dont know if i’d be transgender, transsexual, nonbinary, or just nothing at all. Id just like to find a term I can identify with when the time comes to speak up on how I really feel. Maybe im just a basic girl with bottom discomfort , some wannabe special snowflake.

I have a girlfriend, and I couldn’t ask for better. However, recently she’s helped me see things a bit clearly now. She helped me understand that she’s okay with everything, pronouns, body, and it felt nice to have such a welcoming view.

But thats not the point. Point is, for a few years now, I’ve reached the age of sexual development and hell, I’ve even done a few things. But when it comes to myself, I’ve been unhappy with my body. I haven’t stared at the thing between my legs since i’ve had the talk. I can’t even stand to touch it to get a bunch out of my panties, or touch it longer than it takes to clean it if i’m thinking about it. At school I feel weird when other girls are already talking about sex and periods, and I can’t help but think how much I don’t want that thing there. I don’t want anything in me in any way, though i’m fine with sex, and I’ve honestly always preferred myself with a penis. Gender Dysphoria would be the word, but I’m not sure if I’m in the right situation to use that correctly.

I’d love to ask my mom all my questions, but I’m her only girl, and I know she wouldn’t accept me trying to change tge little girl she gave birth to. And it’s not my pronouns i’m trying to change, I don’t care what you call me. I beleive I can still be my mom’s precious little girl despite what’s between my legs if I wanted. And recently i’ve done my research, and it’s come to me that I can get that changed, get bottom surgery once im old enough to sign my own papers. But when its time to explain that I love being a woman, even with the meatsacks on my chest and the hair I get braided every month, and that I just want to change whats between my legs to fit what I want to be, I don’t know what to say. I don’t know if i’d be considered transgender, transsexual, nb, whatever. Or just downright bottom dysphoric, I would like to have a label to give her. Amd usually I’d rather not use one. But I think it’d help, and honestly help me out personally. Make it easier to ask questions and get proper advice.

When it comes to some kind of dysphoria, I wouldn’t want to say I have it downright. Just a genuine disgust, or uncomfort. I know I could still be valid, but I just dont want to use terms when as my family might put it, “im going through a phase” andpersonally, when i could just be being dramatic.

My family has unintentionally but successfully raised me to think that its best to go with your born gender. They’re not downright transphobes, but they definitely wont just support it through and through. But Ive pretended to be a cis straight mixed young lady since third grade, when I was already kissing girls.

Im not worried about kids, or dresses and tight jeans, that’s not a priority for me. My issue isnt with expression socially, its with my body. And it’s hard when your dads side of your own religious and judgemental family isnt keen of trans people at all.

So in short: I was born biologically female, and identify as such. I am a lesbian, I don’t care what pronouns you give me, though I can reference myself as she/he/they whenever. I am and have been for a while, uncomfortable with my... ladybits, and I’d much rather, and can more clearly see myself in the future with a penis. I’m having trouble with my body, clothing and social dysphoria isnt an issue for me. But there isn’t anything I think I could actually do at this age and at this time to really help myself feel better. Not in the long run or til im paying my own bills.

[under-the-lake]

I Suspect Nargles Are Behind It: Luna and Reality - short mind ramblings

I thought that some lighter writing than my usual stuff could be nice during these troubled captivity times. So I wondered and then set my mind on writing about a character, and chose Luna. Why Luna? I just love her. She’s clever but not vain, she’s a proper oddball to whom I can identify, she loves animals and understands the weird. She lives in a strange world of her own, oddly connected with reality, and has values I can share. On a more literature-related point of view, she’s a secondary character but without her the story couldn’t have unfolded as it did. In a very short piece (to my standards at least) I decided to explore Luna’s take on the reality norms the world has built.

Short ID

Name: Luna Lovegood (originally she was called Lily Moon, because it gave Rowling the idea of a dreamy girl - Original Writings for PM, The Original Forty)

Born: 13th February (J.K. Rowling, Twitter, 17th July 2015) and we can suppose it’s 1981 because Luna went to Hogwarts one year after Harry (born on 31st July 1980).

Post-Hogwarts Occupation: Wizarding naturalist (as Rowling called her originally)

Particularities: odd beliefs, and she was able to see Thestrals very soon after her mother’s accidental death, when Luna was nine. Unusually perceptive and creative. Bloody bright.

School: Hogwarts, Ravenclaw

Marital Status: Married to Rolf Scamander (Newt’s grandson)

Children: 2 sons, Lorcan and Lysander

Other Family: Dad Xenophilius Lovegood (Editor of the Quibbler), mum Pandora Lovegood (dead)

Odd Species: Blibbering Humdinger, Nargles, Wrackspurts, Crumple-Horned Snorkack. According to Rowling (Bloomsbury Chat, 30.7.2007), Luna went on discovering and naming many new species, but had to eventually give up on the Snorkack being a real creature.

First Impressions - Hogwarts: from Loony to Luna

She had straggly, waist-length dirty blonde hair, very pale eyebrows and protuberant eyes that gave her a permanently surprised look. [...]The girl gave off an aura of distinct dottiness. Perhaps it was the fact that she had stuck her wand behind her left ear for safekeeping, or that she had chosen to wear a necklace of Butterbeer caps, or that she was reading a magazine upside down.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Chapter Ten, Luna Lovegood

That’s how we are introduced to Luna (in the book). Well… dunno what you think, but she is introduced as a weirdo all right. She’s reading a magazine, The Quibbler, upside down, and that she seems to find that perfectly normal (we do learn some pages later that it’s a thing about reading runes but even if there wasn’t any rational explanation I wouldn’t put it past Luna to read something upside down). You cannot deny that Luna is intriguing. There are many reactions one can have on meeting her for the first time, but there will be reactions, either because she’s so far from what the reader holds dear as values, or because she’s so close. One cannot be indifferent to Luna.

Besides, there’s that strange thing that she can see Thestrals, and thinks they are nothing but normal creatures. Who doesn’t remember the ‘You’re just sane as I am’ line? And who wouldn’t doubt their sanity at such a statement? I’m glad they kept the line in the film.

So from the very beginning of our acquaintance with Luna, we know that she’s different, but not yet why, that she is blunt without being rude, that she knows who she is, and that she has some sort of interest in the natural world. We can also imagine from her Butterbeer necklace that she’s not from a wealthy family, her dad running a not-so-mainstream magazine, The Quibbler. We have another bit of evidence for that in the World Cup (see below). The other possibility -which, knowing all the books, sounds at least as true as the first one- is that she’s from a very creative family. However, at that point of the story, we don’t know about Nargles and Crumple-Horned Snorckacks. Yet. As for Luna’s Hogwarts allegiance, Wit Beyond Measure is Man’s Greatest Treasure, and The Circle Has No Beginning,  she’s in Ginny’s year, one year below Harry, and she’s a Ravenclaw.

First Mention

Luna is not mentioned by first name until Ginny introduces her in Order of the Phoenix, Chapter Ten. However, Rowling introduces the Lovegoods in Goblet of Fire, Chapter Six. They are just mentioned, en passant, by Amos Diggory, while he and Cedric and the Weasleys, Harry and Hermione are waiting for their Portkey on Stoatshead Hill (seven past five, and old wellington boot) to get them to the Quidditch World Cup. Amos says the Lovegoods aren’t using the Portkey because they’ve been on the World Cup Site for a week since they couldn’t afford it another way. They live near the Weasleys, the Diggorys and the Fawcetts, somewhere near Ottery St Catchpole (Deathly Hallows, Chapter Twenty).

First Meeting

‘There’s only Loony Lovegood in there.’ This statement by Ginny is the first mention of Luna in the whole series. She’s met Neville who is looking for a compartment on the Hogwarts Express and can’t find one because ‘everywhere’s full’. ‘Don’t be silly, she’s all right’, answers Ginny. (OoP, Chapter Ten).

Straight in: ‘Loony’ is ‘all right’. Contradiction, but also completely true. Luna is a loony if you look at her with the eyes of conventional society and the norms it has set. She is all right, which means Ginny has taken trouble to get acquainted and knows she’s no loony, and at least never uses her ‘nickname’ straight in her face (contrary to Hermione’s line in the film…. which I hate, so much not in character. Is that the girl who started SPEW?). Ginny puts things straight from the beginning, yet she’s struggling to repress her fit of the giggles in the compartment, later, when Luna states Ravenclaw’s motto in a sing-song voice. Luna doesn’t seem to care what people think, and she’s pretty straightforward in her statements, though not in a mean way. For instance, when she tells Harry, still in the same scene in the Hogwarts Express compartment, that Parvati didn’t enjoy the Yule Ball with him because he hadn’t cared to dance with her, it’s just a statement, not a judgement. Luna doesn’t do judgement. I must admit that the feelings, at reading this train scene for the first time, are mixed. You perceive that Luna is someone special who is rather unbothered by others’ opinion because she knows herself and is in a way more mature than her fellow classmates. You basically wonder if she’s got some autistic traits. On the other hand, the series of articles in the magazine she’s reading - and obviously taking seriously - show an openness of mind and fantasy that are quite unusual. How Far Would Fudge Go to Gain Gringotts? or Sirius Black - Villain or Victim? Notorious Mass Murderer or Innocent Singing Sensation? are just two of the titles in the issue of The Quibbler that Luna is reading (see picture below). 

The first impressions are tested further because once the lot get off the train, there’s the Thestrals. Harry has never been able to see them before, because he had never understood death before seeing Cedric murdered during the Third Task. He’s completely stunned by those skeletal winged horses. Luna isn’t, and simply explains they’ve always been there. Not at all reassured and still thinking he’s having hallucinations, Harry climbs up behind Luna into the carriage, not sure if he wants to disclose this to his best mates.

This is the first meeting with Luna. You cannot deny the impression is strong. Personally I did like her from the start. She then just grew on me.

Reality? Berkeley? Aristotle? 

Believing in things that nobody can see… mental, Luna? Or just aware of the world in a way few modern people are able to? Just more open to nature and unusually perceptive or living on another planet? I reckon anything but mental. Luna is a character who questions our perception and definition of reality throughout the three books she appears in.

Traditionally, if we follow Aristotle (On Interpretation), a statement can be true if both the sentence and the reality it aims at describing match. There must be no contradiction and the statement must be in adequation with reality. Like saying, while standing in front of the Hogwarts Express, ‘the steam engine is scarlet’. It’s the, say, rational way. And it is the way it works in the wizarding world, yet the roots are different from the Muggle one. Magic is the scientific framework in which the wizarding world evolves, and in that world magic is a science in the Muggle sense: it can be studied, divided into subjects, tested (Nadal, 2014).

However, on the other end of the spectrum, there’s another way of seeing things that are less black or white, and it was explained by Irish philosopher George Berkeley (1685 - 1753). Berkeley, to put it shortly, states that what one sees is, from the moment it’s apprehended by anything connected with the brain, an interpretation of reality. He says that reality per se doesn’t exist and that the things we see, as a dimension of reality conceived out of the mind, is a mere illusion (Chaillan, 2016; Granger & Bassham, 2016). Seen in that light, Harry’s meeting with Dumbledore at the end of Deathly Hallows is full of sense. So is Luna’s relationship with the world around her. The case of Nargles, Wrackspurts and Crumple-Horned Snorckacks are proof enough. Luna questions our relationship with the norms the world has built around what is considered real and what is not. Can you believe something exists while you’ve never seen it? Well… just ask everyone who believes in any kind of god, magic or whatever. They’ve never seen the source, have they. Still, they do believe it exists. The difference with Luna is that while religion is something built by, and therefore admitted as real, by society (the norm, or one of the possible norms), Nargles and Wrackspurts are not. 

If we look at the zoological side of things, the Muggle world has Science (Claim, Evidence, Reasoning), and Cryptozoology. Science proves, tests, confronts, questions. Cryptozoology is the branch of zoology that deals with imaginary species. So there is a society-approved branch of Natural History that deals with what legends and history have given us. Those two sides, in Luna’s world, are, for the ‘official part’, the Ministry Department of Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures, Scamander’s book Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (notice that the title holds the word ‘fantastic’? What irony…) and Hagrid and Grubbly-Plank as Care of Magical Creatures Teachers. Oh and we could add Charlie Weasley as a Dragon Keeper. The other side of this is The Quibbler and Xenophilius Lovegood (and Luna). So while both worlds have two instances to deal with two parts of the natural world, and while the Muggle world has both sides coexisting rather peacefully because society-approved, the wizarding world is in tension because no official body has ever given any credit to The Quibbler or Xenophilius’s weird ideas. I’ll discuss Magical Natural Sciences later in a bit more depth. What I wanted to showcase here is that this comparison about how Natural Sciences and CryptoSciences are dealt with in both worlds further supports the distinction between Aristotelian and Berkeleyan ways of seeing reality, and supports the idea that the Lovegoods are more Berkeleyan, but therefore also the fact that the Wizarding world is even more normative that the Muggle one, and that’s saying something (for instance there’s only one school and one teacher for each subject for the whole of the UK and Ireland; if that is not normative, I don’t know what is).

Luna openly states stuff that is completely bonkers, which makes her sort of -pardon me- unbelievable. Though it fits with Berkeley. I mean who knows if Rufus Scrimgeour is really a vampire or not? Or who knows if Fudge really has an army of Heliopaths? On the other hand, she was raised by An Eccentric if there ever was one. I mean old Xenophilius (incidentally, ‘xenophilius’ means ‘love of the strange’). We first meet him at Bill and Fleur’s wedding, at the start of Deathly Hallows. ‘Slightly cross-eyed, with shoulder-length white hair the texture of candyfloss, he wore a cap whose tassel dangled in front of his nose and robes of an eye-watering shade of egg-yolk yellow. An odd symbol, rather like a triangular eye, glistened from a golden chain around his neck.’ (DH, Chapter Eight) Xenophilius goes one praising the gnome infestation in the Weasleys’ garden, and the wisdom of those creatures. Not exactly your conventional wizard. He looks even stranger than that wizard wearing a lady’s dressing-gown at the Quidditch World Cup.  Thing is, the Lovegoods are taking a step back looking at the conventional world they were made to live in. They don’t fit in because their reality is unproven and therefore not believable in an Aristotelian world. However, Luna has her own boundaries of truth. Somehow they meet Dumbledore’s. He believed the Deathly Hallows existed, as did Xenophilius, and finally Harry. For most witches and wizards, including Ron and Hermione until the last moment, the Hallows are only an artefact in a children’s story, The Tale of the Three Brothers.

Luna’s mum died when Luna was nine; a spell Pandora was experimenting on backfired. Luna witnessed that and has since been able to see Thestrals. Luna’s mum was probably the one who was more perceptive and passed that to Luna (reminds me of Fiver in Watership Down passing his own sixth sense on to the next generation). Luna stays as she is, but eventually, according to Rowling, gives up on Snorkacks as her dad’s inventions (Bloomsbury Chat, 30.7.2007).

I reckon Luna would fit more in a Berkeleyan world than in the normative world our ‘civilized’ societies have built, be they magical or Muggle. Of course every society has norms. Thing is, how much constraint they set upon members makes all the difference. Luna is not a Loony (even etymologically, in my opinion, because loony is short for lunatic, which means mentally ill, from the moon - see all the tales and beliefs surrounding full moon for instance, mostly negative in a normative Aristotelian world). Luna is the positive form of Loony, I’d say. She’s seen as a loony by people whose norms are those of the society they grew up in. With a wee bit of openness of mind, Luna is a great character, a philosophical free-lancer, a mirror in which we can question our society and beliefs about reality.

PS: I want to explore friendship and loyalty in Luna briefly too. Soon... confinement helps the writer :P The wizarding community is at risk too! Stay at home!

Sources:

https://www.wizardingworld.com/writing-by-jk-rowling/the-original-forty  

https://www.wizardingworld.com/writing-by-jk-rowling/thestrals

http://www.accio-quote.org/articles/2007/0730-bloomsbury-chat.html 

https://www.syfy.com/syfywire/the-resiliency-of-luna-lovegood

Aristotle, De Interpretatione (English translation), retrieved from http://www.bocc.ubi.pt/pag/Aristotle-interpretation.pdf

Adams, R. (1972). Watership Down. Penguin.

Chaillan, M. (2016). Harry Potter et Berkeley. In Harry Potter à l’école des philosophes, Philosophie Magazine, Hors série n°31, novembre - décembre 2016. 70-71.

Granger, J. & Bassham, G. (2016). Just in Your Head? J.K. Rowling on Separating Reality from Illusion. In Bassham, G. (2016, Eds.). The Ultimate Harry Potter and Philosophy, Hogwarts for Muggles. Wiley Eds. 185-197

Nadal, C. (2014). Magical Science: Luna Lovegood’s Beliefs, Discoveries and Truth. In Martín Alegre, S., Arms, C., Blasco Solís, L., Calvo Zafra, L., Campos, R., Canals Sánchez, M., ... & García Jordà, L. (2014). Charming and bewitching: considering the Harry Potter series. 148-153.

Rowling, J. K. (2000). Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Bloomsbury, London.

Rowling, J. K. (2003). Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Bloomsbury, London.

Rowling, J. K. (2007). Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Bloomsbury, London.

Rowling, J. K. (2007). The Tales of Beedle the Bard, Bloomsbury, London.

Scamander, N. (1927; 2001; 2018; [J.K. Rowling]). Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. Bloomsbury, London, in association with Obscurus Books, 18a Diagon Alley, London.

[a-man-for-hire-and-his-archives]

EXCLUSIVE: On Set With The Cast Of INXS: Never Tear Us Apart

LOCATION # 1:

New Council Chambers, Trades Hall, Carlton (7.30am)

Approximately 45 extras file down Lygon Street. There's an abundance of acid wash denim and it could be 1987 all over again. This morning, Trades Hall becomes the makeshift venue inside which one of INXS' college gigs as they targeted the US market is about to be recreated. During a previous shoot, Sidney Myer Music Bowl became Wembley Stadium. “Being on that stage and imagining what it would be like to play to 70,000 people” is a highlight from Ido Drent's experience portraying INXS drummer, Jon Farriss. Luke Arnold, who's perfectly cast as frontman Michael Hutchence, marvels, “It was pretty ambitious what we set out to do in the timeframe we had, really: turning Melbourne into places around the entire world over a couple of decades.”

As soon as Arnold heard about the project, he sent in some tapes “before they were even asking to cast anyone”. After auditioning other actors for the role, it was a tape of Arnold dancing “as Michael”. “I think it was on a Friday night while I was in Cape Town, after a big day of filming [Black Sails],” he remembers. “I set up my iPhone and filmed myself dancing around to an INXS song and that was the last thing that clinched the deal.”

Inside Trades Hall, the band cast of INXS: Never Tear Us Apart – which is rounded out by Nicholas Masters (Tim Farriss), Andy Ryan (Andrew Farriss), Hugh Sheridan (Garry Gary Beers) and Alex Williams (Kirk Pengilly) – get acquainted with the stage and their instruments. Masters wanders past and good-naturedly corrects us when we 'admire' his “dirty, rotten perm” (turns out they're his own natural curls). Williams wears a lot of Pengilly's “actual clothes” for the mini series, but the red billowy pants the actor sports today are brand new. “His red suit which he gave us was looking a bit tattered so we got another one made,” Williams clarifies.  

Drent actually learned how to play drums for a couple of years as a teen and took drum sticks along to the audition. “I was tapping away during the scene as if I was practising at home,” he recalls, “and that kinda worked 'cause – I didn't know about this, but Jon had requested that whoever plays him has to have at least played the drums along the line.” As Kick cranks through the venue soundsystem, hearing Hutchence's original snarling vocal makes his presence felt somehow. Onstage, Arnold's a bit more buff than the naturally streamlined Hutchence, but the actor has clearly done his homework.

INXS: Never Tear Us Apart director Daina Reid agrees. While filming this project, she says Arnold “has these weird moments where you go, 'Woah!'” because his resemblance to the beloved late INXS frontman is “quite uncanny at times”. And it's not just physical similarities; Arnold has perfected the Hutch strut, international accent and mannerisms. On his preparation for the role, Arnold shares, “I locked myself in a little house in Elwood and kinda got up every morning, had a beer, put on some INXS, watched every video that was available, read every book, listened to every song, read through all the lyrics and just kind of immersed myself in it and spent as much time as I could on his walk and his voice.

“Occasionally in the rehearsal room, I'd do something and Tim Farriss might be like, 'Oh, that! Like that!' If it jumped out at him that it reminded him of Michael, I'd kind of put a little pin in that and try and incorporate it in the show somewhere.” Although Sheridan spent a lot of time chatting with Beers, who is currently based in LA, via Skype, he confirms Farriss as “the go-to overseer of the whole thing”. ”I run everything by [Tim] and if he thinks I'm doing a good job then I don't care,” Sheridan laughs. “I go, 'Does this look like Garry?' and he's like, 'No, spot on!' I go, 'Thank god'.”

“It was great having the band there,” Reid acknowledges of their presence on set from time to time, “but I felt for them in a way because it seems like a long time ago, but it's not really, emotionally… You would see Kirk or Tim acting in a certain way [on set], and in a way I probably didn't expect, which would have to be confronting.”

Reid promises, “There's a lot of people who have a personal connection with Hutchence and we approached it in a very respectful way.”

UNIT BASE # 1:

Entrance driveway to Royal Exhibition Building, Rathdowne Street, Carlton

“Those girls were asking me who INXS are!” Sheridan points out a couple of the extras, 16-year-old twin sisters who originally thought he was Guy Pearce before correctly identifying him as “That guy from …Rafters”. “They were like, 'We've never heard of this band.'” The actor then busts out some footage of Reid teaching the 'band' some '80s moves. “I just had to get back and film it because I was like, 'This cannot be the job that I'm working on now',” he cackles. “I couldn't stop laughing. Look at how shit they are!? They're SO shit!”

LOCATION #2:

Wilson Street (near corner Macpherson Street), Princes Hill

As the minibus delivering us to this location rounds the corner, Arnold (styled immaculately as Hutchence circa 1981 in a flowing, red, long-sleeved shirt and jeans combo plus trademark cascading mullet-mane) is leaning back against a Citroen ID21 safari wagon ready to shoot the next scene. Definitely another 'Woah!' moment. When the production sound mixer hands us some cans, we can not only hear the scene's dialogue once action is called, but also Arnold and Jane Harber (portraying Michele Bennett, Hutchence's first love/girlfriend whom he referred to as his “touchstone”) engaging in banter between takes. They cheekily discuss whether or not Bennett should in fact put down her uni books and jump into Hutch's car to move to Sydney (as is scripted) given that there's probably crossover with Kylie Minogue just around the corner and history shows the pair didn't work out romantically.

Hutchence and Bennett remained lifelong friends, however. The final phone call Hutch ever made, from Room 524 in the Ritz-Carlton hotel, was to Bennett. When asked how the star's death is handled in the mini series, Reid responds, “Because the world is divided, we cannot take a stance either way on that and it's not for us to do… Just because we are observers into someone else's life there will always be our own version of the truth. We're presenting the facts as they came to us from the band, but no one knows what went on in that room – nobody – so there cannot be a judgement. There just cannot be. There can be things people said, things that we know or heard, you know, a sequence of events and a result, but then we have to step back from that slightly.”

Arnold is acutely aware of the profound effect that the aftermath of Hutchence's 1992 motorcycle accident in Stockholm – following an altercation with a taxi driver – had on the singer. “When you're condensing someone's life into a story, you're looking for those big turning points,” he tells. “That really changed so much of who he was and his essence.” Hutchence suffered a fractured skull as a result of the incident and permanently lost his sense of smell. “When you talk to anyone about it, too, that's the moment where things just changed and, whether he always had demons or they were new, his ability to control them – the way his emotions worked – just changed after that.”  

When he contemplates watching the finished product, Arnold sounds tentative. “When I wanna see Michael, I'm gonna see me. I mean, I have real faith in everyone that I worked on this with, but this is probably gonna be the toughest thing for me to sit back and watch at the end because it means so much [to me] as a role… I'm sure it's gonna be great and I'm sure everyone's gonna love the show, but I'm gonna be over in Africa with my phone turned off I think,” Arnold laughs, thankful that Black Sails will have commenced filming on season number two in Cape Town. - The Music Australia

[ettadunham]

A Buffy rewatch 5x18 Intervention

aka is weird love better than no love???

Welcome to this dailyish text post series where I will rewatch an episode of Buffy and go on an impromptu rant about it for an hour. Is it about one hyperspecific thing or twenty observations? 10 or 3k words? You don’t know! I don’t know!!! In this house we don’t know things.

And in today’s episode, Spike does something super creepy and surprisingly decent at the same time, which pretty much sums up his whole character. Meanwhile Buffy should go to therapy, and Sarah Michelle Gellar seems to be having the time of her life as BuffyBot.

You know, it’s my fault. I got into a rant about how Tara is the only one who always treated Buffy without judgement and with understanding, and the next episode on my rewatch naturally ended up being Intervention. The one that has the joke of Tara trying to be considerate of Buffy’s situation post-Joyce’s death, and then going “are you kidding, she’s nuts” upon the whole revelation that Buffy was supposedly sleeping with Spike.

(Which kind of has the same energy as Uncle Iroh’s “No, she’s crazy and she needs to go down” from A:TLA if you ask me tbh.)

But you know what, I’m still gonna be doubling down on my Buffy/Tara feelings, because Tara’s not wrong in assuming that it was a weird turn for Buffy to take at this point in her character arc. And a season from now, when Buffy will actually be sleeping with Spike, and judgement will be the last thing she’ll need, Tara will be right there to offer her understanding.

Anyway, that’s it for that segue. Let’s talk Buffy.

It’s all fun and games, with me talking about my own emotional numbness, until Buffy starts repeating those words back at me. There really is a reason why I feel so close to Buffy as a character to this very day - and in many ways, now more so than ever.

I talked about this a lot with Riley’s departure, about how that whole conflict and Buffy’s emotional unavailability wasn’t about Riley (just as Riley’s insecurities weren’t really about Buffy), but I love that we’re exploring this out loud now.

It’s just good storytelling and character building. We understand that Buffy has been closed off for a while now. Going back to the Riley angle, I will say that while it wasn’t Riley’s responsibility to make their relationship work, he certainly didn’t understand Buffy’s struggles at the time. He was too caught up in his issues to realize and internalize that it wasn’t about him.

So yeah, that relationship wasn’t going to work out, but it still weighs on Buffy that she felt unable to open up and take that step to try. It’s not about Riley, or even romantic relationships in general. Buffy fears that she’s unable to express her feelings to all of her loved ones.

She’s even scared that her mother didn’t know how much she loved her. (That’s absolutely not a soul-crushing thought that makes me over-identify with Buffy’s current emotional state on a whole new level. It’s fine. I’m fine.)

Buffy then attributes this process of her “turning into stone” to her being the Slayer. Which... I’d argue isn’t truly the case for her, both in the story and on a metaphorical level. At least not directly. What made Buffy become more guarded was trauma, plain and simple. Being a Slayer is a part of many of her traumas, but in itself, it’s neutral.

At least that’s my interpretation. For the most part. We’ll find out of course in season 7 that the Slayer power actually comes from demons, which re-affirms Dracula’s point earlier in this season about there being “darkness” to Buffy’s power. Then again, as season 7 generally revolves around the theme of power, one might ask if power can even ever be neutral?

We’ll circle back to that in season 7.

The point being is that while there are definitely darker elements attached to being the Slayer, in this case, Buffy misses a nuance by singling out Slayerhood as the root cause of her emotional detachment. Sure, being a Slayer who kills things doesn’t help ones mental health - but that’s also because it’s a traumatizing experience.

You need therapy, Buffy.

Which I guess is kind of what this Slayer quest thing works as. Kind of. When the First Slayer starts talking about how Buffy’s full of love, and how she just had some painful experiences that now stops her from opening up, and how she’ll needs to embrace all of that, pain and all... That was nice. It was a nice validation for Buffy about her feelings.

But then it was all “love will lead you to your gift” and “death is your gift” and “our time’s up, your questions were answered, now scram”, so that was some overall shitty therapy session if we’re being honest here.

And then there’s Spike.

I have no idea what to do with Spike.

The whole Buffybot thing is super gross, and just thinking about how Warren programmed and probably tested all of that... Yikes, yikes, yikes.

Is it funny and well-written? Yes, it is, I’m not even gonna lie. But it’s also just super gross.

By far the most interesting scene that happens because of this whole scenario is that last one between Buffy and Spike. I like how it’s set up in the script too. I mean, well, “like” may not be the right word, as part of that is Xander making this whole argument about “poor Spike, he’s got beat up and his toy is gone, boo-hoo”... But I like that that’s the red herring to the audience to make us believe that they actually fixed up Buffybot and sent her back to Spike.

As opposed to what actually happens with Buffy pretending to be Buffybot to try and find out what Spike told Glory. Which is also set up by the same scene between the Scoobies.

Watching that scene, knowing that it’s Buffy is a very different experience. You start noticing the thoughtful looks Buffy’s giving to Spike, and the ways she’s manipulating the conversation to make sure that she gets an honest response out of him. It’s intriguing, to say the least.

In an episode that’s filled with Spike at its worst, this one scene is somehow enough to bring me back to that porch scene between the two. As Buffy puts it, what Spike’s done for her and Dawn in this episode, and his words to who he thought was Buffybot about his devotion to Buffy were real. And Buffy accepts that.

The kiss itself gives me a pause though. It feels too much like Spike is being rewarded for being a decent person for once, not ratting out a 14-year-old girl to a demon god. Especially since at this point, it doesn’t feel like something Buffy would initiate or want on her own.

Then again, it’s also a reveal. It’s how Buffy lets Spike know that he was being played, and that he’s not gonna get his sex robot back. But she won’t forget what he’s done for her and Dawn regardless.

And I think that once again, as with the porch scene, we can see that there’s a connection of honesty and understanding between Spike and Buffy’s characters that goes both ways. So maybe there’s a way to look at that kiss as not just a reward, and not as a confirmation of Buffy’s own feelings for Spike at this point... but as a sign of that connection.

Meanwhile Dawn’s kleptomania is becoming a problem. Giles is cooking dinner for Buffy and Dawn, and no one’s appreciating Tara’s protection spells. As is the case with many episodes of this season, there’s a lot of fun stuff going on with the entire gang and their dynamics, which I greatly enjoy.

Next episode is gonna be a bit of a tough one, especially since I plan to touch upon some super non-controversial fandom topics like Willow’s sexuality. Should I open up that can of worms? Probably not. But will I? Most likely.

Almost certainly.

[that-was-anticlimactic]

Could you talk adout the social anxiety headcanons for Cole?

 Sure !! (sorry this is really long and I’m not sure how to do the “read more” thing!)

Okay so I feel like a lot of this is based on some of my Cole headcanons about his early life since we’ve continuously been robbed of Cole backstory, so bear with me! Also some of this may be redundant so I apologize for that! And don’t worry, I’ve done research before and as I was typing this so it was actually accurate (or I hope so)! Please let me know if anything I said is super wrong because offending anyone or being wrong is not my intention or what I want to do at all!

So, starting with his father, it’s clear they did not have a good relationship for the majority of his childhood. His dad made him rehearse and dance in most likely the majority of his free time and he was most likely living under a strict household. Because of this, Cole didn’t get to go out much or have a normal childhood (none of the ninja really did, but they were all far from normal in different ways). I, personally, don’t think he had many friends- if any- growing up because of his busy and strict schedule. Not only that, but since Cole mentioned multiple times that he couldn’t sing or dance (at least in the traditional way he was supposed to be dancing and singing), we can assume that the people in his dance classes didn’t like him much either. I mean, and I’ll be referencing this episode a few times, in The Royal Blacksmiths (s1 ep9), Cole says “… I ended up falling on my face, humiliating myself, and letting my quartet down” and, again we can assume, that Cole did that a lot, letting his classes and partners down because he wasn’t as good as everyone else. 

I believe that the most positive social interaction Cole had as a child was with his mom. I’m not saying Cole’s peers went out of their way to bully or tease or harass him, it’s more of I believe they ignored him, would degrade him at times, do that thing where they shove your shoulder when you pass them, disappointed head shakes, and constantly comparing him to his dad, none of which is particularly healthy, and that caused him stress and anxiety in social situations because he simply hadn’t had any before. Not only that, but social anxiety can be caused by the environment you’re in or if you have strict or parents, and we can assume Lou was strict and that’s how I believe it began to develop. 

When his mother, his only positive social interactions at this point, died, it just made him more anxious because now he didn’t have anyone. Plus, difficult social relationships are a symptom / complication of social anxiety as well.

When he was sent to Marty Oppenheimer’s, things just got worse. Even though his dad was a part of causing it, he always felt a little more comfortable around his dad than others because he knew him and grew up with him, but once he was sent away, he didn’t have anyone. Again, it’s safe to assume that many kids didn’t like him there either and that he was alone, constantly compared to his father, ignored, and this time teased a little (I’m not sure how extreme, sometimes I think a lot, sometimes I think just a little, but I believe no one liked him too much), so any of the social interactions he had were, again, unpleasant and caused him extreme anxiety.

Now, at the beginning of the show, Cole is portrayed as the more serious, closed-off type person. I believe that he was very very nervous around Jay and Zane when he first met them, and one reason why his initial response to meeting Kai and learning he was a part of the team ( “Uh, what he’s trying to say, Sensei Wu, is that three of us have trained together. We’re solid” - Pilot) is because he had finally began to feel comfortable around Jay and Zane when another person was thrown in and now he had to readjust.

I believe that he is a very closed off person. He never really instigated conversations for awhile, he kept to himself a lot, and he was guarded around others. In The Royal Blacksmiths, Jay even says “I’m starting to see why Cole is so closed off, it’s cause Twinkle-Toes here couldn’t deliver the goods… is that why you ran away?”, even Jay said in the show that Cole was closed off, and there are signs that he was. He never told anyone about his dad or dancing or that he ran away, heck, who knows if the team even knows about his mom?

Eventually, Cole became more comfortable with those around him and began to be able to freely converse and just be himself around them. It still got bad, sometimes, but the team is full of supportive people and I like to think Sensei Wu knew about it even before he did because he definitely wouldn’t have told his dad how he was feeling and Wu was the one who started helping him with it.

One symptom of people with social anxiety is “poor social skills” and it’s clear throughout the show that Cole has poor social skills. In season three when Nya was flirting with him, I genuinely believe he had no idea that was flirting. Again, he never had many good social interactions growing up, especially from a girl, and so he just thought she was being friendly. When he found out the intentions and how Jay felt, he got upset and reacted poorly.

Plus, we’ve even seen from s10 ep2 that Cole didn’t even know how to properly give Jay girl advice, as he compared asking Nya to be his Yang to ripping off a band-aid social situations just don’t come easily to him.

And I haven’t even started on him becoming a ghost yet. The things that probably did to the boy. The first thing he did, presumably from what we’ve seen, is wanting to be alone. He hid in his room. He was, presumably, ashamed and this all just weakened his self-esteem and social skills that he had been improving on. He even had doubts as to whether he should go to the Wailing Alps with the team. He thought he would be a useless burden, and low self-esteem and negative self-talk are symptoms / complications as well, and an emotional & behavioral symptom of it is fear in situations where you will be judged, and that is definitely playing out here.

And even though DotD wasn’t the best (and could’ve been a really cool season but whatever), there were moments that gave Cole good character and highlighted this to me. He literally watched his friends walk away from him and through him and leave him at the museum, and since I like thinking he was ignored for a lot of his childhood, I believe that brought back many unpleasant things for him, especially social anxiety wise. I mean, Yang even managed to convince him that he was completely alone and his friends didn’t care for him, and it didn’t take Yang too much to make him think that, which implies that he was already thinking stuff like that.

Some other random things that make me believe he has social anxiety are:

- Expecting the worst possible consequences from a negative experience during a social situation – it was confirmed that Cole used to stay up late planning everything for missions out, perhaps because he was expecting the worse and wanted to plan accordingly? There also are a few moments when Cole does get negative in the show.

- Spending time after a social situation analyzing your performance and identifying flaws in your interactions – this goes right along with the one above, but I wholeheartedly believe that Cole does this.

- Fear that others will notice that you look anxious – perhaps why Cole tried so hard to be tough during the pilot and first season (”there ain’t nothing in this world I’m afraid of”)

- There isn’t too much to say fro physical symptoms since they’re legos, but I feel like he’d have trouble catching his breath, fast heartbeat, dizziness / light-headed, and muscle tension.

- It could also be a reason why he’s single, as having social anxiety can hinder dating sometimes.

For more headcanon wise, I think that, despite him still being more open and comfortable with the team, he’s still iffy with instigating conversations because he doesn’t always know how to do it regularly. I feel like he used to apologize a lot in the first few seasons (which always surprised the team because Cole would do something normal or make a simple mistake that they had made multiple times and would avoid eye contact and apologize).

He still doesn’t tell everyone a lot of the things he thinks or about how, though he trusts Jay the most (I headcanon Jay with anxiety… which maybe is kind of weird because I feel like most people headcanon Jay with social anxiety) and he feels like he can be most open to without judgement.

Jay can also almost always tell when Cole’s having a bad day or is feeling uncomfortable (same the other way around, too. They take care of each other) and always tries his best to help him.

Cole loves his teammates so much and would literally do anything for them, but sometimes he has trouble showing it (he gets so much better at it though and ends up knowing them all so well and he is just so proud of himself for it!)

Okay that was a lot, but I hope that made sense / didn’t suck ??

I don’t think many people headcanon Cole with this, and that’s cool! To each their own headcanons! I just think that he does have social anxiety for these reasons, and if no one agrees, that’s super okay! This was just one of those late night things I thought of when I couldn’t sleep!

I hope you enjoyed (word choice there??) and have a great day! Thanks for the question! I love talking about headcanons and why I think these things!

[dollfairy]

Okay so I find Aggretsuko really relatable bc who doesn't hate their job and need to scream about it, but the second season has really been hitting me bc of Retsuko’s fear that getting married will cause her to lose who she is and let go of her identity. And like!! I’m getting married, i couldn’t be happier, and I’m not afraid of losing who I am in a marriage bc my partner not only lets me freely be myself, but helps me to become a better version of myself. it’s cool. But you know where I AM afraid of losing my identity? Motherhood. 

Like just to be clear, I want to have kids. I actually like being around kids a lot (at least the ones in my family) -- I think a lot about how I would parent, and other than the usual anxieties of “oh god would I be ready” and “oh no what if I fuck them up somehow???”, I actually feel like I’d have a good handle on it. So I’m not scared of having kids, but rather, I’m scared of BEING a MOM. I’m scared I’d disappear into motherhood. 

Working at a malwart, I see so many women just constantly in athletic-wear (grey tank, darker grey leggings...depressingly without personal flair), and looking fucking exhausted, and either ignoring their kids or at the end of their rope and screaming at the kids just for doing kid stuff (although most of the time those screamy types ironically have the kids that listen the least and lack any sort of discipline). Like they seem like they hate having kids. And I’m sure if I went to their home it would be beige and there would be kid shit everywhere and not a speck of the woman’s personality (because TIRED is her personality?? from what I see?) beyond like...live, laugh, love posters, and maybe a few jokey magnets about drinking wine?? And I’m fucking terrified of becoming that. 

And despite the fact I was worried about getting an office job bc that's what the boring girls from my high school did, and I was so scared of becoming like a Pam in HR or something.... despite knowing that fear didn't pan out at all, bc I’m entering the job market with an eye towards a desk job, because I’m not career-oriented and need the stability to keep up my weird non-work life -- despite that reassurance, I’m still worried that THAT, that MOTHERHOOD, will be the thing that overrides my individuality. 

I’ve found myself constantly reassuring myself, “hey! you’d be a hot/cool mom tho”, and then i’d feel bad bc that’s probably internalized misogyny and prioritizing the male gaze and it seems like I think the problem isn’t those women’s exhaustion but just the fact they don't put a better gloss over it

 but THEN I realized that my whole mental image of the cool mom, or the hot mom, it’s literally just me clinging to the only images of motherhood where the woman doesn't seem like she’s completely surrendered herself solely to the identifier of “mom”. Like the cool mom -- she still has style and interests! She cultivates herself even as she parents! Or the hot mom who takes care of herself, and clearly isn't exhausted and miserable, because she’s fucking ROCKING it. 

Maybe it’s just where I work, but there’s SO many examples of the kind of person I’m scared of becoming, at various stages of life (like this doesn't touch on how the average elderly malwart customer paints a horrifying picture of what old age will hold). Like if it was just occasionally someone that makes me glad I’m not them, it’d be fine, but it’s like a constant stream, and you start to wonder...is it inevitable? Like it makes it feel like motherhood is the deadline by which all dreams must have been dreamt, and striven towards, and wrapped up neatly, or else gather dust...until retirement?? Because I guarantee that woman with the defeated look handing her kid a tablet to shut him up hasn’t picked up a video game, or taken a dance class, or taken a fun couples trip in years.

And don’t get me started on the “quirky” articles about ways your body tricks you that list the hormone deluge that makes it so your baby is priority number one after birth. Like it scares me that a single event like that (an important one, but still) can so completely rewire your brain and its priorities. I like to think I am who I am, and I have a good handle on that, and I have no doubt hormones and chemicals in my brain play a role in my current self...but the knowledge of that chemical switch flipping in such a huge way frightens me. Like sure, it takes away the worry that I’ll somehow go through all the pregnancy stuff and wind up having a kid and not loving them (though my knowledge of postpartum whispers in my ear “what if your brain gives you the wrong chemical cocktail” and you SUPER-regret it), but like? 

When the brain tells me that baby is priority number one now, where does the rest go? Where do my passions, my interests, the value judgements and prioritizations I’ve accumulated over a whole life lived thus far go? Nothing scares me more than when people are like “wait til you have kids! nothing else will matter!” bc they mean it so innocuously, but thats such a huge thing?? so much matters to me! The mattering is part of who I am!

Maybe I’m crazy. Congrats if you read through this far. Sorry for people on mobile. TL;DR: I want kids someday, I think I’d make a good parent...but the idea of losing myself in the identity of motherhood scares me.

[the-togepi-man]

An ENFP’s Thoughts/Feelings on the Types

I’ve been getting a lot of asks on my feelings on XXXX, and some kind person asked for me to make a sort of master post!  Now, these are based on my interactions and understanding of people I know with these types, so please enjoy them for what they are!  Thank you! 

Updated: 2/13/2020

INTP: Oh INTP, they’re so fun. I love getting lost in absolutely crazy theory crafting with you! I like how I can send you a wikipedia page for something I’m playing and you’ll read it so we can talk about it together, even though you know the answers you try to explore it even more it’s amazing. I think you’re savage but also so sweet. When you get excited about something it’s infectious, your drive to explore and learn makes me want to do so too! If you've set your mind to learning something I know you're going to master it. You ground me when I need to keep focus, and your heart is bigger than you think, and I hope you can see that. The world is a more interesting place when you’re in it- and I know small talk bores you so lets skip to the big things

INTJ: It’s funny how we’re listed as a “perfect match” because I see it. You make my world more interesting just by existing. You’re quiet and composed exterior is cracks me up, because to the untrained eye you’re just sitting there staring in to space, but I know you’re taking it all in. You break down the world like a puzzle, always learning, always putting things in place. You’re a little crazy but in a good way, I wish more people could see that! I spill out some absolutely wild thoughts- i pause to look at you and you are already rolling away with them, making a joke or exploring them further. You’re heart is honest and your ideas are true- I don’t know where I’d be without thoughts like yours. Like the other side of a coin, we see the world differently but share the same drive. I know your feelings can be locked up, but I'll help you explore that puzzle. Let's go for a drive, you give me some structure and direction, and I'll give you some excitement!

ENTP: I’d start this with a sassy meme, because I know that’s what you’d do. When we’re sharing our ideas it’s like two unstoppable forces! Neither of us have any problem going into exactly what we think about something, and we’re both so curious that we love to listen to each other! Are we talking about music and sharing our playlists late at night after everyone has gone to bed? Are we debating universal concepts that make us who we are? Just all in a night's work. Our ability to friendly debate gets you excited, I can tell- you love being a little antagonistic and smirking after you push my buttons. You bring a new logical perspective to my world while still embracing my wild ideas- because hey, we only live once!

ENTJ: Oh ENTJ, you’re crazy and it’s great. But like, a more grounded crazy. Like and overactive INTJ, I can't help but be fascinated by you. It’s always inspiring to watch you work. You’re full of life and energetic, and watching you pursue your passions and be with your friends makes me think “I want to be like them!” It’s refreshing to know where I stand with you, and because of your Judgement I have no problem pushing forward with my wack job ideas. Whats more impressive is that you come off like this big loving goofball, but have the skill set to back it up. You might stumble sometimes, but you’re always working to improve your life and it shows. While feeling isn’t your primary mode, you can be oh so sentimental, and it’s charming- very charming. You might come off as self focused to others, but I know that you do it all to support yourself and the ones who you keep close. Keep being you, because we like it!

INFP: All the tests peg you as this sweet little poetry writing angel who cries all the time in their room- and honestly, that’s such a shame because there is so much more to you. Yeah, you may be quiet and love your alone time, but you’re so wonderful to be around. I don’t think you ever see how much you bring to the table, but you should. Your kindness and willingness to help people is amazing, and unmatched. You feel a lot of things, but hey I do too! We share that Introverted Fi, which means we both have very strong morals and know where we try to stand in this world- and it can be so much some days, i know it, but I can guarantee, someone has you back, because you don't realize how much people love you. Stay true to you, INFP, the world needs the love that you provide! Now, go back to being snuggled up in your cozy place and get some rest!

INFJ: The world doesn’t get how you process, but I do- or I want to. I’m going to ask you so many questions! We’re different sides of the same coin and I want to know all about it. We can match each other pace for pace in our weirdness, but know we’re always together in this. I know there are days where you feel like you’re alone in how you think, but that’s because you view the world in a lense some of us can’t even imagine- and that’s beautiful. You can make the calls to get things done, but still do it with heart, and that goes such a long way. You never want to give up on someone you care about and it’s moved me to tears before. I know you hold back who you are sometimes, but when you really let loose it fills me with such joy, because you’re so different and the world really needs more people like you. INFJ friends really are something else, its best to not lose them. 

ENFP: Oh what a great type to be! Because of You I know what it’s like to talk to me! We’re so messy and wild, all over the place but so caring at the same time. You make me more and more  curious because we’re so similar but different. If i could tell you anything, I’d say you;re something else, the way you stick to your morals, and the way you care so deeply but have so many ideas ignites me. You’re me and that;s a lot for me. We could set the world on fire with our ideas but then come home have a drink and have a long talk about the world and how we feel. People always peg us as the manic pixie dream girls/boys, and that's not always true, we just want to love or lives and sometimes that means being the light that people see. We’re the goofy entertainers of the world but in the end I know how deep you are. Keep loving the world and your ideas you are so valid. I hope you can see what I see in you!

ENFJ: People call you the mom friend, and honestly? Sometimes that’s for a good reason. Growing up you helped keep me safe, working with me through all the hard times and putting your heart out there so I could see how its done. Life is hard, but you were there. You're always there, I think that’s how ENFJs are. I feel like people don't appreciate your cunning side as much. You’re so smart and giving and passionate, but people don’t see how hard you think about all your decisions and where to go on a daily basis. You plan and understand, and that’s so important. I don’t know how people function without you. From cutting sandwiches to sending a text saying “are you ok?” ENFJs really are a gift. You’re the mom friend- but that's because you make sure the rest of us fools are in line- someone has to! Everyone loves you and I can see why, I hope you do too!

ISTP: Do I need some good grounded advice from someone who is here in the moment? Do I need a little bit of a quick kick in the butt and a reminder that what matters is where I’m standing now? Then I’m coming to you ISTP. You never push me to spill it out to you, but your logic makes me want to. You’re interesting and an enigma- and that makes me wound up! Your ability to take in the world around you right now, but bend with the flow is amazing- your childlike enthusiasm is great, I want to break you out of that quiet shell so I can hear all the ideas you have and how you see the world. I know we can have a hard time bonding, but once we share an interest you’re all in and I am so here for it. Keep being you, I want to know more. 

ISFP: ISFJ do you know how cute you can be? You’re so good at listening to all the dumb things I have to say and finding a way to help me identify with it. You’re not here trying to fix all my problems, but to listen to them and try to make me feel better. You’re Sensing helps keep me grounded and see the world for what it is, but your Feelings make me feel like you’re listening to me. We’re both a little terrible at long range planning, but it makes me feel good because we can both laugh about it. Also the way you put things together is amazing! I’m not sure if its because you're and ISFP or if you just know how things are supposed to be but you create spaces that are so cozy, I’m so jealous. I wish I could see the beauty in things the way you do. 

ESTP: Thank god one of us is practical. Half the time I’m running around like a chicken with it’s head cut off, and you are too- but in a way that actually gets things done. You can keep strong and move forward even when the world deals you hard cards and thats so awesome. You can be so rigged but so charming at the same time it’s insane. I’m not sure how you do it, but you have such a down to earth vibe to you at all times and I can’t help but to be a little jealous! You take criticism in stride and use it as a catalyst for growth, and honest not a lot of people can do that. You’re so in the present, don’t worry too much about the future- you're so put together now that I don;t think you’ll have a problem with where you’re going. You got this! 

ESFP: If you want to enjoy life in the moment and take it all in, ESFP is your person. We’re so similar and so different. I see the world in the could and you see the world right in front of you and enjoy it for what it is. Childlike in their love for things but wise in their ability to love it- it’s amazing. Your generosity is something that really rivals anything i’ve ever seen. You know how important it is for people to feel good, and it makes me want to try harder as a person. You have  have such a way of sucking people in with your love for the world and where you are, I hope you can see it. People like you for that, and it’s such a powerful thing. Some people might not enjoy how straight forward you can be, but honestly? They’re missing out. 

ISTJ: Never have I met someone that seems to put together. What’s that? You already planned it all out, have money saved, and are getting ready for the future? Yeah sorry im still lost in the grocery store... please come save me. You’re so quiet, I feel like more people need to see your fun side because it;s there- and its amazing. The way you try to play it cool then crack up when someone acts foolish- I know that’s in there. You;ve got it all together, you deserve to let your goofy side show. Part of me knows that you’re fine with who you are, but part of me wants you to know how great you can be- I don’t think you tell yourself enough- it’s not practical- but let us feelers tell you that you matter- because you do. Thanks for keep it all together, we need that. 

ISFJ: Oh ISFJ, we had no idea what you were for so long! You’re just so much! You’re affirming, and you’re direct- You know what the situation calls for and you know that you need to get you plans set- but you’re always doubting yourself, which is just so wild to me because I always looked to you to help me out. My eternal study buddy, we got so much done- though I tried to distract you at every turn, you still helped me stay on course, in a loving way- obviously! And thank god for that, because who knows where I’d be now. We see the world so differently, but the way you want to understand what I’m saying is so important to me. You’re so full of commitment, you don’t have to be so rigid- people who care about you are going to be there and see what I see- and amazing person. So keep being you, keep feeling with that heart of yours, keep the rest of us on track. 

ESTJ: Oh, you’re right that is how I should go about it. Wait crap, you’re right about that too. You’re a pain in the ass, but damn if you don’t know what you;re talking about. You can be really tough, but you know how you think, and the clarity there is amazing. You’re strong and traditional, and iconic. You know where you stand, and you know where you’re trying to go- and with that extroversion, you’re going to take people with you, even if they go kicking and screaming. That doesn’t bother you because you know that the path you chose is one you have no regrets on. If only we could all be as staunch as you in our choices, the world needs more put together people, You might keep your heart locked away at times, but I know it’s there- You feel a lot, but your drive is so strong. Don’t be afraid to utilize your emotions- you’ll be even stronger for it. Keep being a leader of the Wolf Pack, ESTJ. 

ESFJ: You really put things together with heart, I knew there was a reason we clicked so fast. You work so hard its insane, but then I’ll come over to you and even if you’re swamped you still smile at me and see how i'm doing. I don’t think you realize how many people love being around you. You have the enthusiasm to draw people in, the ability to live in the moment to get things done, and the judgement to make more plans so your life stays on track, and honestly? I’m jealous. You appreciate the little things people do for you, but also return them in little things for the people you care about, and it shows. You can speak from the heart but then can act on the things inside your head, and the world needs that, I hope you know that. 

[awed-frog]

Hi! I realized something the other day (I'm really slow wth) My parents have the same age as Dean, lit (I know weird but wathever) and my mum is homophobic (I'm bi, sad story lol) and she watches the show with me. The thing is that I annoy her with Destiel and she gets really angry (at some point she started disliking Cas, imagine that) and she looks for back up in my aunt for example, peolple her age. But me? My friends know that I'm bi, one confessed she thought she was too 1/2

2/2 and one of my bf ships Destiel really hard too. And it made realize of just how difficult it must be for Dean to “came out of the closet” if he is bi (I’m sure he is but till it becomes canon…) I mean, it’s not easy for me, it’s not easy right now for a lot of people but I’m positive that it’s better than before. Dean and people his age had it worse I think and it opened my mind to how much he must have struggled, how possible it was that Jhon could have hit him for that, oh too long 2/3

3/3 Bc before realizing this? I was like “Jhon beating hip up for this? no way. Maybe if he caught Dean while drunk and half out of his mind, but sober and knowing exactly what he’s doing?” And i must sound really stupid sorry, bc now it happens this too but it’s just WOW poor Dean, I wanna hug him. Also Charlie is a champion, and those married hunter couple 😢 Why do people do this (Also, if you have more idea of how it used to be, could u tell me? Correct me if I’m wrong?) bye ❤

Hey there! Sorry you’re having some trouble with your mom, here’s to hoping she’ll grown more accepting with time!

(But even if she doesn’t, remember that has nothing to do with you - she can choose whether to be tolerant and kind, while you can’t choose whether to be bi or not, so the ball is in her camp.)

As for Dean - yeah, he’s more or less my age, but he moves in a background that’s vastly different from mine - I’m sure other people (maybe @bert-and-ernie-are-gay or @mittensmorgul or @thejabberwock?) could tell you what it was like to grow up in the States around that time, and how queer people were perceived. All I can tell you is that in my corner of the world, being gay was something people expected you to keep quiet about - in my school, only one kid was out, and five other had that kind of ‘we all know but they never said anything so we pretend we don’t know and maybe we’re wrong’ status, and I know life had its ups and downs for them. Some people were really antagonistic (it was mostly boy on boy banter that was the problem, and I know that the worst time for gay kids was P.E., because here everyone is expected to shower together, so a vague ‘Tom looks sorta gay, haha’ can quickly turn into a ‘Hey why is that f*ggot staring at me now I’m naked’ and then all bets are off), and most people didn’t really care one way or the other, but still - the trouble is, you grow up in a culture where you don’t really have positive representation of any kind - gay people were either men dressing up and wearing feathers in funny movies or hospital patients dying of AIDS in sad movies - even for someone like me, who grew up in a weird household and read all kind of books, it was difficult to imagine a gay person being - a normal person, you know what I mean? Someone who’d have a relationship one day, and a house and a whatever job and would fight over whose turn it was to wash the dishes. And for kids with conservative parents, things were often much harsher, as I wrote here. Plus, even in the 1990s, AIDS was a big concern for most of us, gay or straight, so that was a problem as well - the illness was no longer perceived as a ‘gay’ illness (which it never was, by the way), but the fact we were bombarded with messages about the importance of condoms and safe sex, even as kids, played a role in our general understanding of sexuality (our own and other people’s).

For me, personally, the consequence of this climate of silence and diffidence in how we approached the matter meant that I considered my crushes on girls to be ‘just a phase’, or something like ‘I want to be like her’ rather than ‘I want to be with her’; whether this prevented me from seeking out romantic connections with women, we’ll never know, but since I’m insanely happy with the relationship I have now and am deeply in love with the man who shares my life, it’s not really a problem for me. That said, yeah, it doesn’t really surprise me to see that the more openly we discuss the subject and the more we respect what we feel, the fewer people identify as straight - in the UK, 49% of young people are not straight, and to me that’s a figure that makes perfect sense. We generally fall in love with souls, not bodies, so the more open-minded we are about such things, the more our potential to form relationships with anyone broadens. And, of course, as we’re heading into an age where AI will be a thing, it’s likely our understanding of what a suitable partner is will change a lot over the next few decades.

As for Dean Winchester - as I said, I’m not an expert, but this is a guy who grew up in a very different - and often hostile - environment. Unfortunately, the US is still a country where members of the LGBT community face significant risks - risks teen!Dean would be very familiar with, since half his job as a hunter-in-training was going through the newspapers looking for cases. For instance, in 1993, when Dean was fourteen, there was the murder of Brandon Teena, and the year before, Allen Schindler was killed - since he was a soldier on duty, it’s likely John would have discussed that sooner or later, and the wider ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell’ issue. And, I don’t know - I don’t see John as homophobic, exactly, but still - he would have considered his kids’ legitimate wish to form a relationship with someone an annoyance at best (I wonder if Sam or Dean ever sulked when they had to move because they’d lose touch with a crush or a girlfriend, for instance - they must have, right?) and an irrational luxury at worst (a partner can distract you or get targeted by enemies, as John knew from experience), and as for Dean being bi - objectively, men are more dangerous than women, and there is a significant risk a predator will pretend to be gay to trap you and hurt you, so I’m thinking this is the reason John would have objected to Dean’s choices, if nothing else. Furthermore, we’ve seen how conservative the hunter community is (or used to be) - I think John would have agreed with the adults I met growing up - would have said that okay, whatever - if Dean wanted to have fun with a man, who could stop him, right, but he’d better be careful and he��d better be private about it and ‘Jesus, let’s hope the kid doesn’t like it up the ass’ because, whatever, people have been having trouble with this particular thing for the past three thousand years and that’s not likely to change any time soon. So, yeah - I think there’s a good chance Dean took a long time to even understand he was attracted to men as well, and there’s a possibility that his acceptance and understanding of himself was muddled by the fact he was abused at some point, and turned tricks later in life - personally, my headcanon is that his experimenting years happened during the Stanford era, when he was mostly alone, and since then he’s not really thought about the whole thing a whole lot - partly because he’s always with Sam (and Sam can be very judgemental), and mostly because Dean’s got zero time for any of that stuff, and a lifespan to match - we know he thinks he shouldn’t have any relationships at all, for a bunch of reasons, and that honestly breaks my heart. 

Poor guy. I really, really hope he’ll get his happy ending - God knows he deserves it.