lo-lovie

[lo-lovie]

So ever since I was about ten years old, i’ve been thinking.

I’ve always looked in the mirror and been completely fine with being, well— a woman. And when I say that I don’t mean haveing a vagina, I mean, going by female pronouns, and dressing as such. Now I’ve never beleived clothes had a gender, I think people of any gender or sexuality or people of all kinds shiukd wear whatever the fuck they want. But I’m thirteen, about to be fourteen in January next year, and I am a glad lesbian. I’ve come out to my mother and friends, although still choosing to leave others in the dark.

So in short: I was born biologically female, and may sometimes identify as such. I am a lesbian, I don’t care what pronouns you give me, though I can reference myself as she/he/they whenever. I am and have been for a while, uncomfortable with my... ladybits, and I’d much rather, and can more clearly see myself in the future with a penis. I’m fine with my breasts and curves and face and such, though I’m having trouble with my lower body, clothing and social dysphoria isnt an issue for me. But there isn’t anything I think I could actually do at this age and at this time to really help myself feel better. Not in the long run or til im paying my own bills.

Gender wise, I dont know if i’d be transgender, transsexual, nonbinary, or just nothing at all. Id just like to find a term I can identify with when the time comes to speak up on how I really feel. Maybe im just a basic girl with bottom discomfort , some wannabe special snowflake.

I have a girlfriend, and I couldn’t ask for better. However, recently she’s helped me see things a bit clearly now. She helped me understand that she’s okay with everything, pronouns, body, and it felt nice to have such a welcoming view.

But thats not the point. Point is, for a few years now, I’ve reached the age of sexual development and hell, I’ve even done a few things. But when it comes to myself, I’ve been unhappy with my body. I haven’t stared at the thing between my legs since i’ve had the talk. I can’t even stand to touch it to get a bunch out of my panties, or touch it longer than it takes to clean it if i’m thinking about it. At school I feel weird when other girls are already talking about sex and periods, and I can’t help but think how much I don’t want that thing there. I don’t want anything in me in any way, though i’m fine with sex, and I’ve honestly always preferred myself with a penis. Gender Dysphoria would be the word, but I’m not sure if I’m in the right situation to use that correctly.

I’d love to ask my mom all my questions, but I’m her only girl, and I know she wouldn’t accept me trying to change tge little girl she gave birth to. And it’s not my pronouns i’m trying to change, I don’t care what you call me. I beleive I can still be my mom’s precious little girl despite what’s between my legs if I wanted. And recently i’ve done my research, and it’s come to me that I can get that changed, get bottom surgery once im old enough to sign my own papers. But when its time to explain that I love being a woman, even with the meatsacks on my chest and the hair I get braided every month, and that I just want to change whats between my legs to fit what I want to be, I don’t know what to say. I don’t know if i’d be considered transgender, transsexual, nb, whatever. Or just downright bottom dysphoric, I would like to have a label to give her. Amd usually I’d rather not use one. But I think it’d help, and honestly help me out personally. Make it easier to ask questions and get proper advice.

When it comes to some kind of dysphoria, I wouldn’t want to say I have it downright. Just a genuine disgust, or uncomfort. I know I could still be valid, but I just dont want to use terms when as my family might put it, “im going through a phase” andpersonally, when i could just be being dramatic.

My family has unintentionally but successfully raised me to think that its best to go with your born gender. They’re not downright transphobes, but they definitely wont just support it through and through. But Ive pretended to be a cis straight mixed young lady since third grade, when I was already kissing girls.

Im not worried about kids, or dresses and tight jeans, that’s not a priority for me. My issue isnt with expression socially, its with my body. And it’s hard when your dads side of your own religious and judgemental family isnt keen of trans people at all.

So in short: I was born biologically female, and identify as such. I am a lesbian, I don’t care what pronouns you give me, though I can reference myself as she/he/they whenever. I am and have been for a while, uncomfortable with my... ladybits, and I’d much rather, and can more clearly see myself in the future with a penis. I’m having trouble with my body, clothing and social dysphoria isnt an issue for me. But there isn’t anything I think I could actually do at this age and at this time to really help myself feel better. Not in the long run or til im paying my own bills.