#Which feels even more stupid | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

muiromem · 1 year ago

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Love how I think I'm fine and not as self-conscious as I used to be, but then I'll randomly be hit by this gigantic wave of embarrassment over completely trivial things 😭

So... I installed a new shelf in my room to display some Star Trek memorabilia. Along with some tricorders, a hand-made tribble, etc. this also means I now have room to display my AOS McCoy costume card, and the two Tom Paris cards (regular and a cool film cell one) that I bought last year.

The thing is... my parents (whom I live with) don't know that I have a big stupid crush on Tom Paris???

And it shouldn't MATTER really, but they dunked on his character SUPER hard in the beginning - which, I get - but now because of that, my stupid anxiety brain is embarrassed that they're going to judge me for it. For that same reason, they don't even know that he's possibly my favorite character (they didn't even warm up to him until at least the end of season 3).

Now, admitting he's my favorite character from Voyager and using that as an excuse for having 2 cards of him would be one thing; except that my walls are ALSO full of photocards of Jin from BTS. My parents KNOW that I have a huge crush on Jin, hence the massive card collection (which is my love of trading cards meeting my BTS obsession and crush). So there's no way they won't put two and two together and realize I'm crushing on Tom too.

Now I'm torn between wanting to display my Tom Paris cards because of course I do, but also feeling stupid and awkward like a dumb teenager, because I'm still embarrassed over finding a tv character hot.

UGH WHY CAN'T MY BRAIN JUST BE NORMAL ☠️

#Personal stuff #Just bemoaning my dumb anxiety #I KNOW it's worse cause of my period too #Which feels even more stupid #I hate feeling insecure and awkward and dumb #Especially when I'm nearly 30 #It makes me feel even worse that I'm not BETTER at this shit by now #I shouldn't let stupid little things BOTHER ME but they DO #and it's always when it involves my hyperfixations #Stupid goddamn autism giving me PROBLEMS #anyone else feel like someone rejecting your hyperfixation is them rejecting you?#Because your love of this THING feels like an integral part of who you are?#Nope? Just me? ALRIGHT THEN 😵‍💫

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b4kuch1n · 10 months ago

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THEE audiodrama disguised as podcast

#sherlock and co #s&co #sherlock holmes #john watson #mariana ametxazurra #Ive been thinking abt these design SO much lmao. even while doing other things #decided to take cues from acd/granada more. hence sherlock's headband to mimic slicked back hair #and I went with Colors bc. well first of all Im a clown. but second of all I recall some stuff abt victorian fabrics and uh. the wonder of #arsenic green etc #they were enjoying the colors I can commit to some #and. okay Im so real with u Im also a long haired john truther bc he has a podcast of course he'd have long hair but #I think its gonna take a Hot minute. currently this is still like the slightly-grown-out regulation cut #john's jacket is bc he and sherlock are 90s kids. this was a moment of enlightenment to me. I can give john every windbreaker on earth #mariana gets the jean jacket bc I like to imagine she's a y2k kid #(sherlock I think is only 90s kid in year of birth that man's childhood was skipping class to burn shit in the wood)#(but he canonically sews which I fucking love so much. he has not bought new clothes for almost a decade #if a shirt's disintegrating no it isn't. not on his watch)#a lil sad I cant figure out how to give them hats lol I feel like thats the most victorian thing there is. a stupid hat #I can at any moment give one of them a beanie. but I refuse #there are. like a Hoard of other scribbly sketches I did to get used to drawing them. but those are for me those are not for the public #and also theyre in my sketchbook and Im too lazy to scan them #happened mostly during lunar new year lol. I was getting Hard whipped then thank u s&co for carrying me thru #ok I do other things now. have this for a while ok? thank u #have a good night lads. enjoy motion

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ganondoodle · 8 days ago

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theres people that build the entire map of botw in fucking minecraft and im sitting here for the 100th time within less than a year crying bc i cant draw a line how i want

#ganondoodles talks #and yet i have more and more in my head #i keep thinking of more and more things i want to draw and show and it keeps piling up #i have always been drawing “at a loss” bc my body is fundamentally unable to keep up with my head #so theres tons of things that just kind of died bc i couldnt get them on paper fast enough #but now it feels even worse #bc i cant get anything out #its not like a clogged drain that drains like half a liter over 5 hours like it used to #its fully clogged but the tap is turned way up so its just getting more and more and nothing gets through #and im tied to a post forced to watch as it rises and spills not able to do anything about it #its so dumb #i know i have enough skill to do the shit i want to do right now #but it just blocked- unavaible- paywalled perhaps but who do i pay and with what #all that is already bad enough but i also have to feel really stupid about it #stairs i have walked up before but now im just standing in front yelling and crying #getting invisible walled by myself but also dont know how to get rid of it or cheat it- which is stupid #shouldnt i know how to get through??????????? yes. yes i should.#maybe i should just not allow myself to even open the browser at all so i can at least stop making these posts #better for everyone probably

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theswedishpajas · 6 months ago

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Based on my favorite gif lately

#my art stuff #digital art #baldurs gate 3 #bg3 #astarion #batstarion #once again specifying this is a spawn astarion with some sort of wild shape thing #bat #good morning #gif #I’ve been in such a weird place mentally about art lately #I just keep stopping myself from drawing things cus I want to draw Astarion -#- but fsr my brain decided I draw him wrong and thus makes it pointless to even start #bat form is fine - I have no problems with it. But in his normal form? no can do buckaroo.#It’s one part why I haven’t shared much art lately - I don’t get happy enough about the “quality”#then just don’t share it as a result - in turn making me feel worse because I’m not posting - making me doubt myself more - etc etc #idk man - I got way too giddy earlier today cus someone could tell this was Astarion - even though this isn’t even the version of him I -#- feel insecure about #I keep seeing these artists making more realistic art and cool comics and interactions - most of which are shaded really beautifully -#- and all I can think about is how I CAN’T do that - even if it wouldn’t fuck me up mentally #I just put too much stress on my ability to create realism and I keep “failing” at doing that (by actively avoiding it for my own health)#idk man - I just wish I felt better about Astarion’s stupid chin OTL

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5hrignold · 9 months ago

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this is all i got

#Tiny side ramble in the tags its what i do best #in the interview they mention charlie feeling way more like developed in s2 and I. if that’s really true iM SOOO happy and somehow #even more excited for it bc of that Because ive mentioned this before obviously ive always liked charlie #but like. im unable to really get into him the way i can do with pim. like there’s nearly Nothing about him that tells me anything about hi #character which AGAIN IVE SAID. IK THATS THE POINT and ur not even like. these aren’t even like designed to be blorbo type characters so-#-who cares BUT LIKE. I STILL WANT TO LIKE HIM AS MUCH AS I LIKE PIM YA KNOW #well not As much. he could never compare to pim in my personal mind #but yknow what imean. so im happy that probably means we’re getting more of him kinda in s2 #Aauauuaau so excited #Also i still hate drawing him #never wont #smiling friends #pim pimling #charlie dompler #Dumb name … stupid guy…#💝#charpim is soo scary to actually tag like woah guys who said anything about all that.. hey now #odieart

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buddiesmutslut · 2 months ago

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If I have to read “Buck could spend his life with Tommy, if not for Eddie.” I promise you I WILL scream.

No tf he couldn’t. That is not the story they’re telling here. I know it’s confusing bc Eddie is all over this storyline, but that’s not what you’re supposed to take away from it.

Tommy canonically has not been ANY different than any of Buck’s previous love interests. It’s been pointed out *several times* actually how similar he is to all of them in various ways, & yet, nobody’s been sighing “Abby/Ali/Taylor/Lucy/Natalia could be Buck’s soulmate, if only it weren’t for Eddie.” Bc that’s insane.

Eddie is not the reason any of those relationships didn’t last forever. I know we like to say that everything is about Buddie but it genuinely is not. Eddie is not the reason Tommy is condescending. Eddie is not the reason Tommy is dismissive of things Buck is interested in. Eddie is not the reason Tommy calls him Evan, despite the fact that “the people who know me call me Buck.” Eddie is not the reason for whatever is in Tommy’s past that is going to leave Buck spiraling next episode the same way he’s not responsible for why Ali & Taylor & Natalia didn’t work out.

Buck’s relationships don’t work out for their own reasons WITHIN the relationship itself, and whenever Buck & Tommy break up (whether that be in the next few weeks or later down the line) it will be because of something between Buck & Tommy.

Not Eddie.

Please stfu with this take. They are not trying to show you that Tommy could be Buck’s soulmate “if only Eddie wasn’t there.” I know we don’t know exactly what story they’re telling with them yet, but I fucking GUARANTEE it is not that one.

#911 abc #eddie diaz #evan buckley #buddie #anti tommy kinard #anti bucktommy #this really isn’t even all that anti but I don’t want people screaming in my inbox for talking about them breaking up #911 spoilers #if I see one more person say this I’m screaming #I know we talk about media literacy but damn.#whether you like Tommy or not this take is so stupid #it’s so dismissive of Buck and his LI’s & also Eddie #Buck’s breakups are about Buck.#he’s learning what’s important to him & what he’s feeling & what he wants #buck x eddie #to say that Eddie is the only reason that BT won’t work is lazy & biphobic #the only difference between Tommy & every other LI is that he’s a man.#Tommy is not more valid of a love intrest for Buck bc he’s a man.#Buck is BISEXUAL & Tommy is every single one of his previous LI’s rolled into man form.#he is not some unicorn of a love intrest the likes of which we’ve never seen PLS be serious

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cynicallyneutral · 7 months ago

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very invisible but very mean audience

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skinnypaleangryperson · 5 months ago

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I find it sad, pathetic, funny and cute in that cartoon network is airing the old man and his seat two times tonight in a row. All I do is sit around the house and get drunk and cry-I would never waste my precious free time watching Cartoon Network, but I happened upon the schedule for the night and I think it's funny, silly, in a really pathetic way that it feels like Rick has the same drunk sad drunk soulfully loveless aimless energy as much as I do, just sitting on a TV screen instead of real life

#I'm finding it a little bit more funny and comforting more than a normal person would #I had a weird thought tonight and that I feel like I'm so lonely that I'm the only person that's even experiencing loneliness or ever has #experienced loneliness to the point and to the extent that I have #which is making me feel kind of crazy to agree because it's almost like there's this new emotion that's beyond loneliness?#and knowing that one of the two characters that has meant a damn to me is sitting on cartoon Network streaming doing the same thing #throughout the night with one of the saddest episodes in the show and that perfectly captures loneliness It's kind of stupid and funny #and sad to me at the same time #I had a feeling right off the bat of that Rick was going to be one of those characters and I was absolutely correct.🙄

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tekitothemagpie · 3 months ago

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This goes both ways tbh.

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dykedvonte · 1 month ago

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I think the most baffling thing about the Tulpar as a vessel to me is the fact that the ship really did only have a one way communication system.

I know it was cheap but even the most basic of vessels regarding major transport would have some way, shape or form for outside communication. Not only that but there was absolutely no form of innate emergency signal to show they may have been offline or in trouble despite clearly having a system to dock credits if they went off course. It's another factor that really shows that bad situations are made to get worse by design. One person who is required to relay all information to the crew and make all the choices without feedback. No way to update or call for help in case of a dire situation. No way to inform of inner personal conflicts and acquire procedures accordingly.

It really is like they are all in some sort of fucked up solitary confinement. They have their own world with strict roles that are meaningless in the end, as long as the cargo makes it, it doesn't matter what happens on that ship to the company. They don't want to hear anything and will come to conclusions on what happened based on how much pay they can withhold from the workers. Even what they do send is short, sterile and corporate to the extent it was likely written and sent out with a command by some random unmanned computer in an office.

There's something to be said about how unfair it is to force absolute power and control onto one person when you as an entity could do so much more to offload it but I've said it many times before so I won't again.

#its just like idk i dont think Curly was a bad captain because we only have this scenerio and I certainly dont think a man like Swansea #would like him or have very little issues with him specifically if he was incompentent or too lienent in the past but I do think the stress #was making him worse and worse as being a present leader as it dawned on him how much he actually had to handle like I really think he #just wanted to do yknow normal captain pilot stuff and fly the ship and yknow the little stuff like make sure things run right and over tim #the constant stress and strain of having to make every major choice started to grate on him and freak him out cause they cant even fucking #eat unless he pulls out the scanner and starts cooking like he has to choose the meal likely or have a vote and i make that part of the #reason he seems so indecisive and inactive is the fact he has to make the choice all the time and he's hoping he can at least make the crew #feel a little more in control of themselves as people by staying out of affairs like the game or disputes because god he literally has to #choose for them all the time like thats a lot of responsibility monitering their sleep their breaks food consumption thats all on him like #it really should be another persons job entirely as thats almost like absoulte contrl over the lives of everyone else that PE forces onto #that title and its also crazy how everyone accepts it even if they dont like it like they broke the food machine open rather than get the #scanner they all waited two months before Jimmy appointed himself leader its so scary how conditioned they all are to the environemnt #cause that sort of mindset is sadly real where people just wait everyone just waited until it was getting real dire and then they still #followed Jimmy without too many complaints like i saw a fic or post where Anya acknowledges they all kinda just let Jimmy do what they want #because he became the captain and it was stupid on all their parts cause they could clearly see how bad he was and yet he was captain so #they just fell in line to their roles and thats a bigger point towards how PE treated them and the complacency capitalism brings to you #just like something that irks me because idk I know Curly is slow to act but he's not as like unopinionated as people make him out to be #like he does try to find solutions but they are still restricted at the end of the day by what PE provides them and I think his biggest c #crime is being in his own head too much and not giving Anya that emotional stability cause like idk man was he supposed to go to Home Depot #himself and install like padlocks? even if the let Anya sleep in medical after she pointed it out she was already pregnant at that point #like we arent seeing the inherent issue that no one not even Anya herself was thinking of the preventative measures because a)there was a #point nothing was happening that necessitated them b) it would've been the responsibility of PE to address them pre and post incident and c #there is only one person on the entire ship given the authority to do anything. You can not make multiple important choices in one instance #in such little time and Curly should not have had that total power like i think the most interesting thing in takes that really blame Curly #is that level of control they give him over the company. Like again i think about the three days we miss between the eval/party and the #convo/crash like i think people switch them around as if those scenes happen in succession when they are broken up and its heavily implied #Curly and Jimmy just havent been talking vs the depiction that she told him and for like three days Curly was just chummy despite the fact #Jimmy and him just had a blow out fight like the next time we assume they talk is during the crash sequence cause he honestly hangs #around Anya more which i think is really important because she trust Curly to defend her himself but not his judgement to give her somethin #to defend herself as she knows he believes her but also knows she's not seeing the danger the same and its heartbreaking and more

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angelnumber27 · 7 months ago

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It’s so embarrassing and heartbreaking being in so much pain over losing someone while knowing they don’t give a fuck if you live or die. Your favorite person becoming a stranger is a special kind of hell.

#I fucking hate having bpd #while I’m at it I don’t understand the fuckin audacity some people have to say they love you and do horrible things to you #I feel so stupid #I feel so stupid for believing all the lies #but I was so in love and put him on such a pedestal that I just allowed it all.#thinking about someone constantly and grieving over them and knowing they’re perfectly fine and to them you don’t exist #I’m still in such a state of grief and I don’t understand why time hasn’t healed #it honestly feels like it’s gotten worse w time #I just torture myself but I can’t help it my brain wants me dead #it’s so painful I feel so fucking stupid #being abandoned with no closure by someone who’s your entire world #for someone they were unfaithful to you with multiple times (I don’t even know how many and dony want to know) immediately #like that was the plan all along #he took our cat hundreds of miles away and I don’t even know if he still has her or if she’s still alive and I miss her every day #I never loved someone like that and it feels like the heartbreak is actually physically killing me #i spent 1/5 of my entire life with him #I was my prettiest and had the best body at the time and I wasted it on someone who didn’t appreciate me #not wasted. it wasn’t wasted. we had some incredible times together #I’ll never be that beautiful again #and now idk what do so bc i can’t decide which is worse: being alone and isolating or loving deeply and ending up horribly hurt all over #it’s all just so upsetting.#and I feel so stupid for allowing it all #he knows more about me than anyone and he made me feel like he loved me so much sometimes and then did horrid things and it’s so fucked up #nobody read this I’m so embarrassed and horribly broken #it traumatized me so much there was so much abuse and pain idk if I’ll ever recover #I deserved it but it still hurts my heart #I was so mentally ill and sick I know it had to have been miserable to be around me #there are so many things only he understands and knows about me and I need to talk about them I j wanna b able to b there 4 each other #but that girl is so beyond insecure and controlling so. if I want to talk to who fuckin gets me I’m just fucked #why lead someone on like that for years knowing you’re going to abandon them the second it’s convenient

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deoidesign · 8 months ago

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#ok finally making a post about meds #I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without'#I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk.#can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset #so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but #it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways #so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone #like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work...#for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well!#it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus #my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night #sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired #it was more something that I just did because I had to.#but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end...#I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too.#but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted #but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk.#anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too #but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared #so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow #anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING #that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up #I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world #and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better.#but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on #and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much.#and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so...#I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better.#and I'm just crying because of all this combined.#I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!

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priceofreedom · 11 months ago

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funny how everyone seemed to adore Zack until he started having more screentime...

#it's honestly very surprising. i see hate towards him almost every day since Remake came out and i wish i was kidding #and yeah yeah i know other characters get lots of hate too but the hate towards him has been so sudden and random???#idk maybe he *was* hated before but i just didn't notice #but at the same time no. i'm 100% sure the hate increased considerably after he was shown to be alive in the Remake #i feel like some people are just weirdly concerned he is gonna overshadow the main characters which is stupid #this story is still about Cloud and the others #we're just gonna explore another reality (allegedly) with Zack it's not that deep bro #(rebirth spoilers) -> even in Zack's timeline Cloud AND Aerith are there #and who knows how many more #like i get shippers being petty because when are they not petty #but i've seen non-shippers/casual players saying they do not want to see more of him and being all bitter bc he's important #he's always been important you all just refuse to acknowledge it!!!#no matter how many times hamaguchi nomura nojima etc say he's super important ppl just keep denying it 💀#as if y'all know more than the freaking devs i'm getting tired of this bs #my post #i'm glad the devs love him as much as we do. cry about it

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pallanophblargh · 1 year ago

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You know what the worst feeling I've been having lately is? Wanting more than anything to get back into Actual Art again but finding a sudden anxiety that stops me. Even if I'm still as capable as I was, it's the mental block. It's why I've all but kept commissions closed for this whole time: this overwhelming fear of letting people down. Especially in times as troubled as these, where money is tight, and patience is thin. I've always been blessed with such patient and considerate commissioners, but I would hate to test people because of my malfunctioning brat of a brain.

I just wish it came to me as easily as it did before the massive burnout/medication. But it's up to me to come up with my own motivation. And it's ME.

Anyway. Thanks as always for sticking around despite... all of this. I'll get back on the horse soon.