#Where has this style been all my life
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He’s just a little guy
#Found these in my notebook#Where has this style been all my life#Help I had coffee today instead of tea and I’ve been frighteningly hyper ever since#My family is concerned#my art#Oot#ocarina of time#oot link#young link#Link#tloz#doodles
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At the start of this project all I wanted was to 'learn how to draw' using comics as a medium and the MDZS audio drama as inspiration.
I've come *very* far from making simple, 3 panel black and white comics, and I truly do intend to go even further. Thank you to everyone who cheered me on throughout 2023, it has been an incredible year in so many ways I never could have imagined. I look forwards to drawing throughout 2024 B*)
(2024 summary here)
#poorly drawn mdzs#art summary#It's so interesting looking back at how my style and technique changed throughout the year!#I used PD-wwx as the consistent factor (October is an exception) and you can see so many processes going on.#My little petri dish amoeba (with a little red bow to tell him apart from the other amoeba) <3#Whether it's getting new markers or trying out a new shading style - it's cool seeing a snapshot of my journey like this B*)#There's certainly been a slower curve to my overt improvement *but* I have become so much faster!#My life outside of drawing has been hectic and at several points extremely stressful this year. For all the work this blog has been-#-It has truly been a life saving anchor when the darkest of times have hit.#Love is hard work. Change is even harder work. Sticking to a goal I set out for myself and striving to keep going was worth it.#And I love drawing. I think there has always been something in me that longed for this. And it is finally tangible! I can draw!!!#I wanted to make a more elaborate year reflection where I looked back at my favourite comics and jokes.#but I'll leave that to the one year anniversary.#I have also been collecting a ton of statistics throughout the year and I am desperate to share them. I'm that kind of nerd B*)#I can never say it enough: Thank you all for the kindness and support. I wish everyone a lovely 2024!!!
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Rip Noel you were just too pretty and Kayne couldn’t deal with the competition
#kayne knew he would loose#hes up against the prettiest man of all times#i have never seen a noel design that is not attractive#look away mutuals im being gay over podcast men again#Blacked out for an hour and when i came too i had this infront of me#IT HAS BEEN SO FUCKING LONG SINCE I HAVE HAD THE MOTIVATION TO DRAW ANYTHING THIS BIG#aka this art style and the fact this is a whole a4 page when usually i work in teeny tiny#the power of noel#LOOK ITS THE FICTIONAL LOVE OF MY LIFE#In like a platonic way where i wanna go to a tea shop with him and eat cake#im so normal about him#Spent more time trying to think of a cool thing to caption this with than it took for me to draw it#noel malevolent#noel finley#charlie dowd#malevolent podcast#malevolent#malevolent fanart#pencil art#traditional art#malevolent noel#detective noel#I havent used this artstyle in so long#the hyperfixation on the podcast man really will just draw out the old skills#golly gee gosh i love him#when i post the initial design sketches for this fucker your all gonna be so disappointed he is so much cooler here#Sleepy times now#goodnight#53 rats with a pencil
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btw i made a post sometime here about being in a restaurant or something and hearing teenage dream and thinking of larry stylinson because of that one video of them singing it
anyway like two days ago i went BACK to that restaurant and they played just the way you are AND viva la vida
it actually made me feel like i was going insane
#ask me anything#one direction#1 direction#1d#liam payne#MY HEART HAS BEEN ACTUALLY RIPPED OUT#rest in peace liam#zayn malik#niall horan#harry styles#louis tomlinson#larry stylinson#also ive begun to read the most popular larry fics#so far i have read walk that mile and young and beautiful#and like inbetween nights where i can read them i have to go to school and stuff#but now i feel like im in a constant state of death#idk how this happens 😭 these make me feel insane and rip me apart#anyway i loved walk that mile and i loved y&b#i just wish they were longer 😔#just the way you are#teenage dream#viva la vida#coldplay#katy perry#bruno mars#i would actually sell my life or my right arm to go back and be able to experience being a 1d fan during like 2010-2013#i would give anything#i want to see it happen in real time instead of watching videos knowing it all happened one million years ago practically a different plane#then again its given me this weird sense of time#like if i didnt know better i could almost trick myself into thinking that thats them now
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do you write fic on ao3?
unfortunately for everyone involved i do!
#ask#and if youre wondering about my handle i write on anon so its doesnt particularly matter (shrugs)#and also i think its pretty easy to figure out which fics ive written because i want to makeout mad sloppy style with an em dash#anyways (waves offhandely) it doesnt really matter much because i have like posted an ss on here before so you know#its not like im trying to hide it like eh#but also because of my disposition that would put a tranced rabbit to shame i dont exactly yell it from the hilltops either#the moral of the story is if you ask me what im working on ill yap about it maybe like post an excerpt#and months later youll find something posted on anon and youll be like oh! so they finally posted it!#so to spare you all (lies on my tummy like we're at a sleepover and giggles) you wanna hear what im working on#haha of course you do youre a prisoner in my yap box#and i want an excuse to talk about it hidden in the tags so people skim over it and not read it <3#SO the earliest wip is from like early october about a magical realism au because i rewatched lwa as i usually do and well theres this one#ep about a magical animal if you will... and you can kinda guess what it is from that lol its sashaforsyekky#because the dreaded @/tungpin infected me with the brainworms about this trio specifically#and it really is ekky going 🥺 at whatever sashaforsy have (persumably) got going on woe is him its at 5k rn but uh ive stalled progress#because puppyekky has consumed my every thought which leads me to my second wip that ive been labouring over since the start of october#that also just broke 5k and not even remotely done lol whoops but its puppy ekky in a team environment with a heavy emphasis on the euros#rn there are scenes scrabbled out with sasha (multiple) mikksy luosty lundy and forsy. i know i have an idea for bobby.#and really lets see where the muse takes us i have vague ideas that are mmmhmm but we'll see when we get there!#the third one isnt the most likely to get finished but uh it is sashamaffhew global series stuff because it stemmed from#“it really is funny that sasha is treating the finland trip like he knocked up a girl#and is trying to make her meet his parents so it doesnt feel like a shotgun wedding when he you know marries her to take responsibility“#and i just think a maffhew pov with that thought in mind because of the whole touchy at e11even thing is funny to me like think mundane#slice of life oh i feel like im being wined and dined i hope i dont fuck it up jfc i think im fucking it up oh god this feels romantic#anyways it feels remotely ooc to me and it really was more of like a writing break from the wips stated above so (shrugs)#might not see the light of day but its 2k as of now so i do feel its a shame if i dont /try/ to finish it you know? its just low priority#anyways thats my writing check in and i am a prisoner to my own mind i will go insane haha these wont be published anytime soon#because i am slow and get distracted soooo easily so you know <3
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pick 8 pictures from pinterest for standstill!! (a moodboard)
heyyy so im actually really awful at moodboards but i do save pictures of things that inspire standstill so heres some of those! sorry they arent like aesthetically cohesive. standstill talks about a lot of different themes all neatly tied together w the thin thread of a romance plot so sometimes it's hard to describe those in a way that feels coherent, even in picture form. hopefully u get the idea though 👍
#jade answers#Anonymous#straud asks#dogs/rabbits are thematic for vlad and brie specifically. when i see dogs or rabbits i think of them#bc it's about... the power play... it's about... the switching... wink... sometimes you're the dog and sometimes you're the rabbit#birds are more thematic for their life circumstance than Them as people. the birds are more about the journey#the trees remind me of them too... specifically the picture i included. bc it has underwent a process known as inosculation#which is when two trees growing in proximity begin to merge together into one tree#run down trailers bc those are where most of brie's childhood memories are. notice the forest surrounding the trailer#forest too are special in standstill... there are 2 posts so far of caleb and lilith traversing the forest when they arent supposed to#vs vladislaus having a genuine fear of going into the forest (hasnt been shown yet on my blog but it's written and comes up soon)#vs breanna not only going into the forest but being genuinely unafraid of it unlike lilith and caleb who enter it with fear#and vlad who doesnt enter the forest at all bc of his fear#the picture of the red woman swimming in blackness. almost like she's drowning in water. it evokes the image of human vlad#who stood on the dock overlooking the red bloodied water. and even more so the image of vlad as he was transformed#since he was lying on his back. and lastly that bible quote is included bc it's a quote vladislaus repeats in his head often#i think? i took out the scenes where he says that quote repeatedly bc i decided his compulsions are mainly internal but#it is an important quote for him nonetheless and i think about it very often while im writing#if you actually read all that im making out with you sloppy style
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i love dnd..i love playing heavy utility/support/backfield and i love having three to six attacks in a turn and an insane ac. at heart im a support player ill get my hands on whatever we're missing in a group
#looks at a druid a fighter and a bard fighter. okay cleric time.#i LOVE playing cleric turns out.#though abjuration wizard is still super super fun its a different flavor of support#it's not buffs it's 'i am going to transfer literally all that damage to myself and war caster style succeed my witchbolt concentration'#doing insane amounts of damage while taking damage (+ with temp hp and then just a lot of hp. im taking the tough feat as soon as possible)#aabria iyengar was right these abjuration wizards are craaaazy. but war domain clerics also fuck hard#my abj wiz is very much an experiment in 'what if someone who is not at all suited to this life tries to adapt as well as she can'#the point is that she isn't a cleric. do u understand. she's not a cleric and that's the point it's the. hbbbgbfhb. she's out here#functioning as a combat medic on some aasimar features + healing kits/potions + arcane ward. Look At Me#i also really enjoy playing nonreligious characters in these worlds where deities 100% exist not in a 'fuck the gods' way but in#a way somewhere between 'i'm all i need' and 'i called and no one answered' and 'may or may not go on an insane power hungry spiral and#try to get a touch of godhood' which is in part very due to my own agnostic and people-loving heart and 'haha what if i icarused this girl'#a resentful caution towards gods an immense respect towards religious companions and 'when your god isn't here to help. i will be'#anyway REACTION arcane ward you don't take damage im fine. next turn reaction shield ward's back up. the thing is.#she will drive her hp down. the ward isn't much like it goes past that temp hp. it's 14hp that shit goes down and carries to her hp#but it never drops. any leveled spell puts hp back into the ward. a 1st lvl shield puts it at 2hp and she can use it again#she is not suited for these conditions but my god it is fun to watch. i care her.#i explained that subclass feature to a player that's not in that campaign and said. like. yeah she can take damage. when her ward drops to#0 it carries to her. any leveled abj spell puts it back up. and she can use it and drive her hp down again.#do u understand what i am explaining to u! do you get it! she is and has always been a punching bag!#she was a very valuable asset to the army and the group she was drafted! into. because when she's there. people just don't fucking go down#aside from her. aside from her. AAAAH. she's so cool. she is very smart i am still riding the high of critting every turn w witchbolt and#reacting to ward a party member against a crit that would have dropped him by taking the hit herself. and she didn't break concentration#badass
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One thing about canto VI is like. I see so many people predicting it'll be about Fighting Evil Wife or Breaking Codependent Toxic Relationship and I just kinda think that would suck? If the major theme isn't grief AND love and the way both are seen as like Kinda Weird/inappropriate in the setting of the city. Then I'll be very sad.
#bell.txt#not putting it in the tag i dont wanna spam but yes limbus posting yes girls will be thinking about mortal regret#LIKE. LIKE. remember the discourse on twt about how like it was bad writing that yi sang didnt mourn dongbaek etc#and like that was the thing right. thsts not a thing you do in the city. that was part of why roland (who takes lots after wh's themes)#was so exceptional. that is the whole thing about the sickness of the city#to say it in comedia literary criticism terms: sins are split between wrongly-directed love and excess of love with sloth (lack of love)#being an outlier. i think heatho and generally og wh is about excess of love and not wrongly-directed love. it is the thing that lasts#all the way to the other side. it is the shared coffin and meeting again in the next life#i think itd be AWFULLY disappointing to get some boring boring 'they make each other worse' take. being APART due to societal pressures#makes them worse and horribly lonely. death makes them worse baby. so in my mind thats it#we get to see cathy die or still be unreachable in some way and then in very roland style we get furioso mode#and then the ending is about recognizing the love that has in fact been there all along and carrying it with u. and hoping to reunite some#where some other time. NO more slander of that awful girl. YES to the comfort of the memories.#me typing over my foscolo notes like i can surely post about heathcliff really fast and not write a novel in the tags (unaware)#i have more thoughts about this in regards to ruina with xiao and some stuff from leviathan but in the meantime. listen to my ramblings boy#ALSO. considering that implication. he feels for her what queequeg feels for ishy. ARGHH. RIPPING MY HAIR OFF#ok actually its been enough hours to not spam ppl I'll tag it now for blog org. i should maybe have a tag for posting specifically#limbus company
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not me popping back on here with a post after months of semi-inactivity (uni is being a bitch) just to reiterate how much i love writing the pahkitew island cast.
aside from sammy and amy (obviously), literally everyone else can be shipped with one another and it'd make sense to some degree, like it takes skill to create a group of people so inherently shippable (platonically and/or romantically) and ofc the writers didn't know it they just shoved a bunch of random ppl together and dusted their hands off on it but fr tho 😭
(yeah im planning out my leonave 'stranger things inspired' au, and the gears are turning, and i forgot just how much i love writing for this dumbass group)
(i swear im working on the next chapter of a guide to surviving the apocalypse too)
#no but i've way too many ideas lmaoo#i forgot ive a whole longass post in my drafts dedicated to ramblings abt this longfic and i came across it today ahaha#like amy leading a manhunt for leonard bc shes got everyone to think he killed her sister (who she didn't even like much smh)#and topher's one of the ppl involved and when shawn hears he's like “topher? yeah i can handle him dw” (possible tophawn minor pairing??)#and leonard's abt to get the equivalent of being burnt at the stake literally#when guess who shows up in a fucking mercedes of all cars#fucking dave#and he helps leonard escape narrowly by driving fast af and leonard's so confused bc like “i thought you'd be with those guys”#and get this: dave doesnt believe leonard killed sammy bc of his vehement belief that leonard doesn't know magic LMAOOO#and leonard doesnt know whether to be affronted or grudgingly thankful bc if it wasn't for dave's desire for everything to be normal#leonard would have been part of the witch trials 2.0#and idk who's watched st but the plot is somewhat inspired by it#like shawn goes missing first and dave as his best friend is panicking abt it (in this one axel is shawns cousin???)#and then when they find him at last the weird deaths start leading to leonard finding sammy dead and this whole situation#and theres a whole different world underneath them and its up to leonard dave ella and sky to team up and prevent certain destruction#and theres slowburn leonave (with pining leonard and oblivious dave)#and leonard lives with his uncle whos understanding of his passions (unlike his dad who basically gave him away for the same reason)#and leonard's life is total opppsite from dave's#and they both know it#and omgggg this au has been a brainrot for so goddamn long#but idk why i just got a slew of ideas for it today#and like dave stays over at leonards at one point and leonard gives him his bed (like a gentleman)#and the next morning shawn barges in like “wheres my best friend” bc ever since he was taken he's been v paranoid abt losing the ppl he lov#and he hugs dave and daves like “how dirty are you rn” and shawns like “nothing yet i waited so that i can hug you when i see your dumb ass#and everyones like abt dave to leonard “idk if he's the right one for you”#but then later on dave saves his life by going a little bit unhinged classic dave-style#and ends up scaring a nurse and receptionist into retiring early#total drama#td leonard#td dave
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even though i feel like i can confidently tell when a piece of art is generative A/I, i really don't feel inclined or really even justified calling someone out for it due to the precedent it sets - especially when artists who DO make their own pieces get caught in the crossfire for being inexperienced or making the choice to be more free-form when it comes to character design / consistency...
#i can't even really put into words how I can Tell#other than like... random blurry details in areas that would not logically have those details blurred - for styles imitating digital art#what i mean by this is: you can kind of tell when and where a type of tool has been used when it comes to digital pieces#if it looks like an artist grabbed the smudge tool and used it in a small area surrounded by crisper details ... it seems like an arbitrary#- and thoughtless decision#especially when it comes to character design pieces#this blurriness is also present in a type of style that wouldn't see much reason to use the smudge tool at all .. such as a cell shaded -#- toon style with thick outlines#i think what bothers me about this whole debacle is how we're setting up an environment where people feel inclined to lie about using-#-generative tools... part of the problem is the foundation of a/i art to be using people's work without . permission. im sure a good amount#-of artists wouldnt have minded MAKING pieces to be used solely for these type of tools#since generative art has been used as an excuse to replace artists in an attempt to render their work unnecessary or obsolete ... it's -#- become politicized and viewed as anti-artist. which. fair enough. it was pitched and sold that way#but even if like... these initial problems were addressed i feel like there'd still be a lot of stigma associated with generative art#since a lot of people's beef with it is the fact that it feels soulless. and i feel like that has to do with how the generated works are -#- being passed off as completed full pieces and not have any transformative work done upon them#i always joke about like 'they should invent art that's easier to make' ... but i don't want the hard work on my end replaced#just some help really. or guidance on completing my own work. A/I could have -possibly- been used as another form of reference#(if it were more competent. i think it's sloppy as hell in its current state)#but before it was uh... hugely controversial and right when generative A/I got more competent? i actually saw it as a toy.#i wanted to play with it and see what would come out... im honestly just more-so frustrated that it's viewed as on-par or better than-#-work done by human beings. what makes something art to me is if it's been transformed by human intention and connection#and i don't get how it's snobby to dislike A/I art for that reason. why do y'all think artists love when people dissect and examine their-#-work ? art is about human connection. we have ancient monuments and abandoned cave paintings we know nothing about-#- but are captivated by because we want to know WHY they're there. WHO made them. and for what reason#and i think a/i art is a painful reminder for a lot of artists that to a lot of people art is only valued through aesthetic merit#no acknowledgement for an artist's hard work .. their life .. all the personal intention behind their work#it's the commodification being thrown back in our faces tenfold#another tag essay by me. shiloh
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Idk I also just hate the future actually. My ass is Always living in the past or simply day to day 💪💪💪
#HELP ...... SO MANY OF MY DAYDREAMS CENTER AROUND THIS ACTUALLY.....#like. huge point of drama/point of contention between alfonse and moe is that moe Hesitates.#even outright Refuses. to consider the future. where alfonse's future seems set in stone that is the path he's been striving for all long#moe feels like it won't have a place there. you'll be king. you'll be all set. you'll probably have to have a queen#and even if it's a political marriage thing (WHICH. I HAVE SO MUCH HC LORE ABOUT --#like no one specifically but like. alfonse is the type of guy who has accepted this long ago and just treats it as a fact of life#which moe RESENTS. HOW are you gonna fuckinh ACCEPT THAT. your life entirely out of your own hands#bitch i'll fucking KILL YOU. ect)#also as a side there was a whole wedding banner wip that explored that that i. forgor about#but like. alfonse tries SO hard to convince moe that there WILL be a place for it by his side. he will MAKE that place if he has to#also a king4king situation isn't feasible i think moe would be a concubine (gay style). or an enuch or something#like moe does NOT want to be in any position of actual authority. that's not its heart. it's a support guy through and through#but going back to the start. moe is the type of guy who's convinced it's going to be replaced.#moe is the type of guy who burns bridges and feels a sense of relief. moe is the type of guy who is looking for ANY excuse#to run away. and ESP to reframe it as 'you're better off without me'.#the only reason it was able to get so close to alfonse is bc it was convinced alfonse wouldn't get attached to it#and when he did moe was convinced Well. this will all be temporary anyway. i'll take it day by day#make the most of it. and whenever alfonse hits it w one of his classic zingers like#the more you have to lose the worse it hurts when you do doesn't that make you feel lonely. SHUP FUCKIYBNG SHUT YPUR FUCK UP‼️‼️‼️#moe is a normal guy with no problems. definitely no commitment issues or intimacy issues. i promise.#ACTUALLY THAT REMINDS ME. BEEN TURNING THIS AROUND IN MY HEAD TOO. ESP W MY CURRENT WIP#and the feelings it invokes in me. moe is SO CONVINCED. SO CONVINCED. it's gonna fuck alfonse over big time#do NOT make me your lifeline i swear to fucking god. i Promise You. i Will Fail You.#adjacent but moe being a healer is ENDLESSLY. FASCINATING TO ME. LIKE MY GOD#healer that is just SO destructive. that's w.. that's part of why... it became a healer.........#like god. being a healer to ensure that if you get rid of me you'll be at a disadvantage.#nevermind the fact that i have a role exclusive to me. not good enough. i need More insurance.#the way. the role it took upon itself. when it was younger. to be the fixer. to clean up after [redacted]#and its never ending cycle. ever since it was a child. its never ending cycle of tearing itself apart#to rebuild itself anew. better this time. Perfect this time. this time. this time. this time.
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love posting about ev and an as if theyre in love. i mean are they? i have no idea. nary a clue
#my post#theyre my ocs youd think id know#the answer is um um uh in some versions in my head theyre dating but thats like not canon#they are. an approximation of what an aromantic person thinks being in love looks like#idk they hate each other they both literally have no one else in their lives its kindof their own faults theyre scared of letting anyone ge#close again they dont know what theyll do if anyone else leaves theyre nasty and bitter and it barely has anything to do with the other#person at all.#until eventually it starts to dawn o both of them that theyre not leaving. and that they really dont WANT the other to leave. and that they#actually kind of... LIKE... hanging out all day#idk and then they make out sloppy style#thats a lie they dont do that#idk they dont get much of a chance to be normal bcus then everin dies so. who knows what they wouldve been#<- smiles#actually#i know#i know because originally everin was gonna survive#anddddd they wouldve lived happily ever after and ran away from this place and never looked back and seen the world and eventually bought a#home in a village in the middle of nowhere where no one knows who they are and no one will ever come looking. and they have a community and#friends and life is beautiful and bright#however none of that happens anymore because everin dies and andoras is left behind to perpetuate the cycle of vengeance and violence#my bad
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been telling my siblings 'you would NOT make it in vulcan academy' when they do smth goofy recently and nobody's been able to refute lol
#just me hi#listen here you little idiot... [<- fond]#anyway i've been doing this for months and it brings me much joy hbfhsvh#to me it's just an academy. with vulcans. and they are NOT getting enrolled loll#//so speaking of siblings i've been off and about with my dad more often#which is cool but that means spending a lot more time away from my siblings and ouhhrhrhrhrhrhrhhghhhhhhhhh#[tears in eyes]#my buddies :( Where Are My Buddies :( lmaoo#staring out car windows yearnily bc i want my brother's opinion + dumb joke combo on some random thought i had but he's miles AWAYYYYYYYYYY#i'm home rn but like. Man hfbhsfbvh#//oh man but here was one time one of them used the academy thing on me and i could only sputter. touche motherfunker lolllll#//anyway i am exploding all of them with my mind [<- endearing]#my youngest siblings do art (because they saw me doing it [funkin dies and explodes and cries and stares at a wall forever] lol <3) and#they're ! ! ! ! ? ? ? ?#leo does humanoids + has a more geometric style atm and it's really cool!! he keeps asking me to help him draw hands but he asks me at like#1 a.m. when my brain isn't working practically anymore so it's just me going 'yea and the thumb bone connects to the hip bone. +~Somehow~+#[mystery chimes]' and then he goes off on some sort of random thought and we are derailed forever hgbbfhsh#and ruff is so good at drawing animals it's insane. like have you seen this kid's cats they are Sick ! ! ! i genuinely did a double-take#when i saw her stuff a couple months ago loll#/and then my older siblings are v into video games#which is cool bc if i am ever bored they have like 5000 things that i can suffer on while we all laugh hfbhsfhv#i think i'm still helping test one of apollo's games that he's working on -#he's learning code and all kinds of cool stuff - also he's insanely good at blender like Woauhghsgh. wizard shizz hbfhsvb#+ reed helps him w/ that bc i believe he's the architecture guy lol :) - also it turns out reed n i share a lot of opinions on media and#stuff so that's awesome :D he didn't know what whump was but he liked all the points of it so i tried explaining that to him the best i#could hbshfv o7#+ chess has been trying to convince me to give him + leo a ~mystery~ story to play and i finally caved lmjfhsjf#he's real good at the clues it's going well :3 i am scared for my life HFBVhsfvh#also trying to convince him to play kartrider w/ me again cuz i have leo on it now and we need a 3rd okay-to-decent player in our soon-to-b#posse Loll :33 //i ran out of tag space... ouhhh..... okay then.. ciao ciao toodles :D
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And, despite the pain you went through, you still have mellow eyes; you still have helping hands; you still irradiate warmth; you still have a a gentle heart. And, despite it all, you still have the courage to be kind.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, PATRICK MYUNGDAE GRACE ❤️📖🧩!!! (@clemencetaught)
#♔ || edits.#♔ || true tenderness has your face (patrick grace).#OF COURSE I HAD TO CRAWL OUT OF THE DEPTHS OF THE ABYSS FOR PATRICK'S BIRTHDAY!!!#OTHERWISE HYUK WOULDN'T FORGIVE ME WEUIDHWEUIDH#HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO HYUK'S BFF AND BF (YES I SAID IT -- EVEN THOUGH HYUK JUST SMACKED ME ON THE SHOULDER WITH RED CHEEKS WEUIHDIUWEHD)#Like Ferre once said 'unofficial but everyone knows they're dating' IWUEDHWEUDH#WE'RE SO VERY THANKFUL FOR YOUR EXISTENCE DEAR PATRICK#THANK YOU FOR GIVING HYUK //LIFE// BECAUSE WITHOUT YOU IDK WHERE WOULD HE BE WIUEDHDE ANYWAY#HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY DEAR SON IN LAW#!!!!!!!!!!#Please know that Hyuk decided to go travel all the way where Patrick is despite work and anything else to celebrate his birthday uwu#Gave him presents (I have the feeling Hyuk gave him a nice jacket that he thought would match Patrick's style...#even though he sucks at fashion LMAO#but he tried UIWEHDIUWEH) and a big hug and Patrick was probably talking when Hyuk decided to plant a kiss on Patrick's lips mid-convo IUHE#Then he smiled all bashful and went 'Happy Birthday Dae-yah' :3c#ANYWAYS IWUEHDIWUEH FERRE MY DEAR FRIEND!!! I HOPE YOU LIKE THIS LIL PRESENT <3#I ADORE YOU AND YOUR MUSES SO VERY MUCH AND I HOPE YOU'VE BEEN DOING WELL!!! CARE YOU HEAPS <3
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i remember when klavier split off and how, like, happy we all were. because before him it was just me, dahlia, and nightshade all fighting with each other. like not just mental fighting like physically fighting with each other, my first interaction with nightshade was on a discord call where i had to mute because we were co-hosting and throwing shit and threatening each other. and then klavier comes and he’s an instant ray of sunshine and at the very least, me and dahlia realize that we had a missing piece. and the three of us became so much closer, dahlia and klavier were a little queer for each other and klavier made all these friends and dahlia would front to keep me from having breakdowns, or front to buy clothes, or front to talk to my therapist about us. and klavier would come out and listen to his like 7 hour long playlist. and we were happy because i was like, well, they’re not gonna go. they can’t do that.
and now they’re gone. dahlia last fronted for a life or death situation and then she left and i thought that would mean she’d be around more but, no, that was it. klavier always seems sad or upset with me whenever he fronts. rory and nightshade and cynthia and daisy and all the others i never knew the names of have never come back. the first alter, orchid, she’s never fronted either. not since it was too late. she might have fused with me but it’s hard to say because i haven’t been the same person for longer than two months in a very, very long time.
like is that not all fucking crazy to you? it’s crazy to me. it’s crazy to think that now people are going to say they were never real at all and it’s like no you don’t get it. i hear different languages i don’t speak in my head. i get flashbacks to trauma that isn’t my own. i have headaches that feel like my brain is splitting open that have lasted 5 hours because of non stop switches.
it’s not that they were never here. it’s the opposite.
#don't reblog#nightmare.system#it sucks that i will never believe people when they say they relate to my experiences#because i have gotten dm messages from the most closed off people from strangers even saying they get it#but i don't think anyone understands. because i don't think you can understand something that is nonexistent#to be honest i don't know what reality is anymore. externally or internally. i don't know the reality of my emotions my opinions my anything#and i can think back to all the moments where it should have been obvious#that my brain is just transplanted pieces of dialogue taht other people have said to me#their opinions and their own lives stitched together until it made a person out of me#and maybe that is why it's so deeply fucking upsetting that my alters have gone quiet#because this is the first time in my life that my brain has been 'mine'#and if anything about the way i've acted for months has been obvious it's that i don't know what to do with that#i don't know my age. i don't know who my friends are. i don't know what you think of me. i don't know my values.#i took two tests about my attachment style and i answered the opposite to the same questions on both. within an hour of each other.#and both were honest. but both contradicted. because it is literally impossible for me to believe anything wholly#and that's always been a uniquely me thing. klav tried to get it but he never did. same with the others to a lesser extent#but dahlia was as consistent as most human beings are she had her weaknesses and her contradictions#and she did petty and objectively stupid things while still pretending she was logical#but she was her. and i was fifteen people in a trenchcoat#i don't know why i'm saying all this. i don't know why it matters#i'm just so tired of not being understood. tired of people not trying to understand. and tired of people trying to understand#but never actually getting close.#myself included.
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#sappuy posting but im really happy ab parali ve … ive never been so happy ab a piece of media before and i could say this ab a lotta media#but it changed my life. as a creative ive been looking for media that would make me this excited and overjoyed when just seeing a picture o#it but literally everything ab this has helped me out so much… i think ab my friend who introduced me to it and all the lovely people i’ve#met through it (hello !!!!! love ygsbyou know who you are) and quarantine and Bus Crash and lockdowns and jus having allen in my headphones#so it was all good and getting me out of artblock and being able to create again. also kenta was ofc the gateway for me to openly selfship#and im so glad im able to be in such a lovely community filled with genuine sweet and kind people. parali ve is just genuinely such a fun#franchise and im happy to see the characters grow and its done so much for me like i feel ive learned to be myself and ive become a person#that i recognize through it if that makes sense i just feel alive and glad to be living and creating and being w others who do like ivemean#to be. im really happy im still alive still listening to parali ve and i can have friends to share joy and excitement with i dont think i#could want anything more than that <333 aside from maybe kenta plushie of this fit.. i want tobury him alive if he told me give me all your#blood i would gladly become a crinkled raisin hes stunning im stealing this outfit from him baggy clothes and prison orange have never#looked soo good why did they handsomemaxx shiki anf kenta. kenta and shiki excellent jawlines high set cheekbones symmetrical wide lower#third positive canthal tilt i will find them and create a wax mold of them and hang their face molds up on my wall shiki would look so good#w his hair slightly parted kinda allen style yanno but also he could be covered in blood i wish they were covered in blood they could wear#like mc steve outfit and still look great i wish i could sew their fingers on my hand we can trade and when they rest their cheek on#their palm it will be me touching their cheek also their unnecessary amount of zippers so silluy … they are so handsome i might put them in#a glass case on display and pick a room where the light hits them perfectly but thatd be hard cause theyre already so perfect i want to sna#their necks and drown them for making me blush and my heart race like this ugh so silly i love them… i love them i love parali ve i love my#moots i love my god i love my country
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