#We call it Depression Impact for a reason /I'm so genuine

[blazingblorbos]

   Honkai Impact 3rd is a love letter of a game

  In its creation, and throughout its conception, the story that it sought to tell is one filled, so completely, with the concept of love and thanks.

  It's a medium of appreciation. The story thanks everyone and everything that it comes into contact with.  Its creators, developers, player-base, and characters.

   I think the story is perfect, not necessarily because it's masterfully well-written, or because it's groundbreaking in its approach, but because it served its purpose so well.  The pride and joy of Honkai as a game, is the way its community feels so united in its experience with the story.

   Every time I think about it, I feel like I just know that these developers care so much about their game. About their characters, their story, and the world they've created. And they never fail to try and let the playerbase know this.

   Recently - especially - they've dedicated the last couple shorts to the collective community. Uniting us in their message "Fight for all that's beautiful in the world"; and their sincere dream: "May all the beauty be blessed"

It's been through its ups and downs, but personally I think that only contributes to its sincerity. I've seen and heard so many beautiful stories about the way this game has helped others. How other players feel so deeply connected to it, because something about it - the narrative, the characters, the music, etc - just resonated within them. And it really is the case for the majority of us.

I haven't had experiences with any other piece of media that loves its community so much.... Whose community seems so deeply connected, related, and intertwined through their shared - HIGHLY EMOTIONAL - experience with the game.

   And I feel so at home here, despite not really directly interacting with others. 'Cause I'll browse posts made by other people- other players, about how excited they are for the next version, or how scared they are to watch the new short.  How loudly they sobbed over the lyrics of the latest song, how much they've saved for that one character...

      This game, this story, has left such an impact on us all. It's the reason we're still here,  it's the reason we stayed. Some people quit after the first hour of playing, and it's understandable because the beginning of the game is far from amazing.   But not us. We kept going - for one reason or another - and eventually settled in and stayed for so many more reasons.

And now that Part 1 is over, Graduation Trip managed to tie together everything about this ~7 year old journey into one tender 7 minute piece of masterful emotional expression.

 It's a little hard to say goodbye, but it doesn't hurt anymore.  I cried because I'm happy, and I'll look back at the story that once was with fondness.

   It is the culmination of everything we've been through - all of us.  From creators to veterans to new players. They're thankful for all of it, and this short is the epitome of their gratitude. It's their love letter to the story we all made.

   It's a love letter to her.  To her who inspired them, and inspired us.  A love letter to us. To us who inspired her and them.  The devs created this story. The story reached us, affected us, and as a result we - the playerbase, who game developers naturally depend on - managed to affect the story in return.

Thank you

[may-bee-its-just-me]

personal life update

Hey yall, i figured i'd take some time to give a personal life update as well as allow myself to vent for a second. I'll start with the positives for those not interested in the emotional bits :]

I've been making more substantial steps towards buying a car! I've been looking into this one Saturn, and while it's got a few minor issues, it's still my best option so far. Hoping to buy it for 2000, or 2500-3000 if the seller is willing to continue fixing the current known issues.

I've also been growing a bit closer to God, and I've been finding peace among the chaos. I'm learning to lean on Him for support - which has been an uphill battle against myself and the feeling I need to cling onto what i can control, but when i have been able to let go it's been very freeing. I'm still working on myself and growing in Christ, but progress is progress.

I recently got promoted to Crew trainer (about a month or two ago). I'm now making 75 cents more an hour than I did this time last year, after two biannual performance reviews and a promotion. I heard rumors that I'd been in consideration for a management position but I havent been talked to about it specifically, and I'm not sure if I'd accept if offered it. Still flattering to know though :]

Apparently more than once, customers have spoken to my managers and possibly even some higher ups praising my work ethic. I think its specifically when working on front counter/in lobby, as I'm most actively engaging with customers then and they can see me compulsively scanning over lobby for trash when im otherwise not busy. Regardless, it's nice to know I'm making a genuine positive impact on customers' experiences and potentially the rest of their days. Today, one such pair of customers is an older couple known for being very particular, occasionally rude/difficult to serve. They had already called our regional manager that day to complain before I was moved up front, saw them, and said hi. Later on one of my managers came up to me and had mentioned they liked me, and I assume said something to them about it. :]

On the flip side, i've been in a depressive funk for several months now. I'm actually questioning if it's a depressive funk, or if I'm always depressed and sometimes it's just...not as bad. But the last few weeks have been worse. I'm struggling to take care of myself, and while it's not as bad as it has gotten before - I went three days without showering this week and lately i've been routinely skipping showers after maintaining showering almost daily for a year.

For the last few weeks I keep going back and forth between losing my appetite, and eating myself into feeling sick. I'm pretty sure this is from grief and will pass though.

My boyfriend broke up with me 3 weeks/almost a month ago. For reasons, although there wasn't any real conflict between us during the relationship, it was more internal conflict and convictions. We'd been getting distracted with each other, putting off other things to spend time with each other. He needed to focus on his health and figuring his life out. Part of me still wants to cling onto hope he'll come back around, wants to go back and fight back against his reasons for leaving, because I damn know he still cares about me more than friends. But I'm trying to just trust that if we're meant to be, God will bring us together again naturally when we're ready for it. Trying to focus on getting my shit together on my end, and let Him figure the rest out. We're still friends, and through the relationship we were always friends above all else, so I'm thankful to still just have him in my life. I'll be okay, but the grief does eat away at me sometimes. I thought I had been recovering from it pretty well, but that was suppression (oops). I keep going back and forth from feeling okay about it, and feeling like a piece of me is missing. I even get mad at him from time to time, blaming him for my hurt feelings. "You promised forever" "you actively encouraged me to open up and lean on you, encouraged me to share my burdens with you, and now im supposed to just be okay with that ripped away" and then i see him, and i remember its not his fault, and he's always had my best interest in mind. Even in breaking up with me, he was doing out of the place of wanting what was best for both of us, and thought I deserved someone who already had everything together and wasnt a mess in himself. I know he genuinely meant every word he said in the moment, because i saw him. I saw it in his eyes. I saw it in his actions. I found the card he gave me for my birthday, and it made me cry, because it hurts my heart to think he's breaking both of our hearts needlessly. But everything happens for a reason, and so I'm trying to just...go with the flow of wherever this season of my life takes me. It hurts to think of either of us moving on with someone else, but whatever happens happens. I have so much love to give, and it's a challenge to find somewhere in the tangible physical realm to put it.

Silver lining, he said I can keep the shirt and hoodie he had let me borrow before. I've been wearing his hoodie everywhere...The only thing stopping me from still carrying my promise ring around is the sensory issues that caused me to stop wearing it to work in the first place.

The few coworkers I've told are convinced we're going to get back together soon, but again, trying to trust God and not my own hopes and dreams lol At the very least, no one can gossip about the break up because they can still see us laughing and getting along fine at work. A different couple had briefly broken up, and the amount of gossip that was floating around was awful - everyone talking trash about either person involved because there was a lot of friction between them. I'm just glad that wont be the case for us, and if we don't reunite anytime soon, at least we can still function at work more or less normally.

thats all tonight folks. Thanks for reading, God bless.

-Mod Bee🐝

[starryjkoo]

interesting how calling out jm anti "jkkers" gets someone labeled a jk anti and suddenly a bunch of "reasonable" jkkers rally behind them (the jm anti) because "they were defending jk 😔"...

while i'm all for defending jk, it seems too many jkkers have taken "caring about and defending jk more" as "shitting on and dragging jm more or just as much" when answering these same "insecure jkkers" that have weird or downright disrespectful asks/rants about jkk.

*this isn't about you btw 😭

(lol thank you for clarifying this wasn’t about me 😭)

I honestly just think it goes both ways. Unfortunately the fandom-wide diet-solo epidemic didn’t spare jkkrs so you will find them on both sides shading or being weird towards one or the other (and I consider the people who do what you're describing to be diet-solos, so I'll just refer to them that way). Somehow they still retain their platforms because diet-solos are always protected by their buddies & because a lot of people just aren’t active enough to catch their weird posts/tweets so they get away with it.

I’m not super active in jkk spaces so I couldn’t say if it seems to happen to one of them more than the other, but I can at least say that I’ve seen it happen to both at various points & yeah it’s super annoying and frustrating. Both sides are convinced that only their bias is treated unfairly by the fandom, and only their bias is never defended by the fandom either (and obviously both claims are untrue) and it even leads to this weird and obvious resentment despite them still considering themselves jkkrs. For JM specifically I remember some serious weird treatment around the beginning of CH2 (ARMYs & shippers both can be very weird & resentful towards the members when they act in ways they don’t like).

I will toss out that no one is perfect and I feel like we could all treat each other with a little more patience and kindness while navigating the mess that is CH2. I mean people thought that my post was throwing JM under the bus 😭 so I get how easy it is to have your words twisted or misconstrued, or how sometimes we might not think through everything we post and how it could come off, or even how easy it is to let our emotions run and say things we don't mean and later regret. I try to take that into consideration when I stumble across a post that rubs me the wrong way because it's honestly just really sad how many genuinely good ARMYs have been run off (not meaning this towards you or anything, just rambling a bit in general).

Anyways (not that you need it!) but my totally unsolicited advice around diet-solos (as someone who has wasted too much time & energy getting worked up about them) is that it really is just best to block and ignore them. Like unless they’re actively trying to start a hate train or something, most of them are just wasting their energy being weird and manipulative in a way that has no actual impact on any of the members (even the hate trains don’t really accomplish much tbh, only thing I hate is when they run good people off). This applies even more so to jkkrs because they probably have the least amount of power in the whole fandom lmao 😭

The hypocrisy is extra annoying from personal standpoint but I stopped wasting energy on it. If I don’t like someone I just block or mute them. I’ve kind of accepted that people are just going to keep being weird as hell going forward and the diet-soloness has gotten entirely out of control, even within jkk spaces, so it is what it is. I think that jkkr diets do a lot less damage too because, while jkkrs aren't perfect, most aren't cool with one or the other being openly shaded or mistreated imo. On the other hand, diet-solos have manged to do so much genuine damage to ARMY spaces that it's insane and depressing. Well, maybe I'm wrong about the jkk community, but that's how I see it at least.

Also I remind myself to touch a lot of grass lol, a lot of this fandom stuff is kind of petty and dumb when you take a step back, but I get way too wrapped up in it sometimes myself (sometimes I honestly just enjoy complaining lol). But jkk are both so insanely loved and supported at the end of the day and nothing these people do can take away from that, even if the injustice/hypocrisy has me clenching my fists and shaking in rage like the Arthur fist meme. It's also a situation where it's really only like a handful of bad apples imo and I need to remind myself they're not representative of the wider fandom sometimes.

Also just want to state for the record there’s a huge difference between having a bias (even being heavily biased) and being a diet-solo, I think that distinction needs to be made more often but I’ve rambled way too long so I’ll leave it at that lol. Sorry this answer was all over the place 😭

[alpimerealmsystem]

About Us!

To start this off, we're a RAMCOA and mixed origins system, that bothers you? Feel free to leave

Now that that's over with, hi! Nice to meet ya, welcome to the chaos. The main side who runs this blog is Manik, he's an Angel Dust fictive from Hazbin Hotel and goes by any pronouns :) He's our front anchor and host, and we rely on him for a lot of stability in the system. Another host we have is Kringe, although he's mostly in co-con, he may fuck around here sometimes tho!

Our system origins are fucking weird but we're a distorpid system + esogenic + gateway + delusionbased + HC-DID + cephaloconcious system however even though we are an HC-DID system we still just call ourselves endogenic because it's easier and fits us better. We have a duplex system (sharing a system completely, our "innerworld" is the same) with our honorary sibling @oxygenatedbots

About the system - We're a system of 800+ as of last updated, but our system is forever growing and we consider it to be eternal. We also are uncomfortable with the terms alters/headmates being used for us due to our origins and prefer the terms sides/sysmates when referring to us. Of course, you can also just use our names. Most sides originate due to spirtual beliefs but we believe trauma has also majorly influenced our system, with that being said, we are primarily endogenic and have decided we have been plural for a good while, but when we did "split" we were going through extreme trauma, so really we don't know what we split from but we do believe you dont have to split from trauma. Oh, also please don't use the word "innerworld" when referring to us! Call it Alpime or the Inneruniverse, thanks!

DM me asking for a cat pic to cheer you up, I shall deliver

SEND ME ASKS FOR STUFF YOU WANT ME TO TALK ABOUT. We'll post poetry, short stories, alterhumanity, non-humanity and system related things if ya ask!

Pronouns ~ Collectively He/They/Thrive/Grow/Way/Path//Point/World/Cosmo/Void/Planet/Star/Moon/Night/Astro/Dark/Shadow/Spirit/Glow/Glimpse/Ghost/Fade/Dreary/Corrupt/Virus/Hack/Glitch/Music/Song

Kintypes ~ Voidkin and snow leopard therian. (But I will say, our voidkin identity is heavily influenced on being a plural system)

About me ~ The body is minor so please be aware of that. Anyways I'm a proud mom to three cats, love them all equally (we know that's a lie) we can't get any diagnosises due to our own situation irl however we are self diagnosed with a lot- so here's the full list. DID, anxiety, depression, OCD, NPD, BPD, schizophrenia, autism and ADHD. BPD and OCD tend to collectively be shared across the system to a more extreme extent, but specifically OCD, and we all tend to experience both of those very similarly. We consider ourselves mentally and physically disabled, even though we can't get a diagnosis for anything due to personal reasons we know at least we are limited in a lot of areas. About the physical disability we don't know exactly what it is but we experience constant lightheadedness and sometimes blurry vision and it genuinely negatively impacts our daily life

Posting schedule ~ we post poems sometimes! Depends on motivation levels and how busy we are but that's actually why we started this blog! and then depending on other shit sometimes we'll do short stories, system posts and alterhumanity related posts. Yes this blog is chaotic, yes atm it's mainly reblogs, no we don't give a fuck.

Stuffs I write ~ I write a lot of darker topics in my poetry such as us ruining the world, mental health, etc. I do put trigger warnings on some of my posts so please keep this in mind y'all. About my short stories, I wrote partially just fiction stuff or I may start with a prompt. The other half of the stuff I write is going to be werewolf/Lycanthropy/therianthropy themed!

DNI ~ Idgaf who interacts anymore, if I don't like you I'll block you but just be aware of our identities and apply your DNI to us, if we're in it get the fuck out. We're probably that freak in your DNI anyways (totally stolen from a friend, love ya!)

Misc ~ PLEASE GIVE ME RECOMMENDATIONS!!! Feel free to *flood* my inbox with requests, I will get to them! I'd seriously love to know what y'all want for short stories and poetry! If you give me a recommendation it will be a bonus post and not one of my daily things! Spam likes are fine, welcome, and appreciated! It's always great to know what y'all enjoy. Feel free to ask as many questions as you want about my writing and also criticise me! I'm totally welcome to take y'all's advice and I'd love to improve on my work! Also feel free to send me drafts for poems, I will make them my own style and give you full credit for the ideas and how it was executed ^^

About the blog-ish: Different sides may post certain things, some will leave sign offs, others won't, but be aware of this. My blog is not a place of hate or to discriminate, I want this to be a safe space. Do not come to my blog being a bitch, or saying my beliefs are not valid, or saying other's beliefs are not valid. I will block anyone who says stuff like that. This blog is centered around writing, alterhumanity and system shit. If I fuck some info up in a post TELL ME. I do research everything but I've had some angry people dming me, please politely say I messed up info and don't scream at me. I am trying my best, but my best isn't always perfectly accurate. I primarily speak from my own experiences but when I don't I'm relying on the beautiful thing we call the Internet and opinions vary on here. I want to make my content as accurate and relatable as possible so please do tell me if I mess up. This blog also mentions mental health and trauma occasionally so typically I do put TWs. Anyways, that's all! Love ya!

I need friends, feel free to reach out (especially if a system, would love more system friends. Also only minors, bc the body is sadly

I think that's it, thanks!

Last updated ~ April 4, 2024 - Manik

[steamishot]

it's december~

i did a lot of black friday shopping: nordstrom's (with my aunts 40% off), breville, manduka, smith tea, and lululemon. i had a "fuck it, we were overall quite financially responsible this past year" given also receiving a promotion (and saving a lot by not upgrading apartments), so i wanted to be a tad irresponsible and treat myself. it's the most responsible time to be financially irresponsible, at least!

from my last post, i still have some funkiness and sadness going on, but the crying has stopped after that period. i read sara payne's book "i did all of that for this?!", which is a book written by a medical spouse. i think i first read it towards the end of residency but didn't really relate to it too much. however, now rereading it at this point in our lives and the medical journey, i related SO much to basically everything she said, to the point where i had the some of the same thoughts verbatim. i also listened to a few of her podcast episodes called rock solid relationships, which were helpful. additionally, i did some CBT workbook practices - these were all to identify and examine all the thoughts i was having that were impacting my feelings.

i'm letting myself "grieve". recently on the medspouse subreddit, a few people have posted about how disappointed and upset they were at where their partners had matched for fellowship. a number of people have indicated crying and grieving the news. hearing this, i also felt less alone and normal to have these kinds of feelings and wounds.

some news about the job search: matt's interview and chalk talk with USC went pretty well (it seems). the interviewers were impressed by his current title from a fancy hospital. compared to the previous job interviews, he is genuinely interested in this one and doesn't think it's a step down from his current position as the others may have been. this would be a "normal" 8-5 M-F job. additionally, he has interviews with UCI and city of hope coming up. we're also in contact with UCLA. i will follow up with UCSD. cold emailing really works to get interviews. i'm keeping my expectations low but have my fingers crossed for good outcomes. i really hope he can get something with a start date of 7/1/24.

strangely, and perhaps i have some depressed girl vibes going on which is creating this - but this past month has been the most i've ever been complimented by strangers, like ever. on my plane ride to SF, an older white man poked me as he walked down the aisle (i was seated) and said "you're too cute". then, in brooklyn as i was walking to the japanese market, some younger white (?) guy started walking next to me and said "wanted to say what's up, you look kinda good". lastly, yesterday, matt and i went to visit R&T at their upper east side home. we arrived earlier than them so i was waiting at the steps while matt walked around. a black guy that walked by said "you're beautiful, have a lovely day".

i'm telling myself this is god's/the universe's plan for me. that the previous jobs and redlands didn't work out for a reason. that R&T coincidentally moved here to NYC in september so that my remaining time in NYC would be better (and it has been substantially because of them). that random strangers are complimenting me to lift me up.

thanks to R&T, thanksgiving wasn't so lonely this year. last year, i basically spent my thanksgiving weekend alone because matt was working. this year, they joined us on thanksgiving day which was also matt's bday and made it a festive day. that weekend, i spent the day with them at industry city, dropped off coffee for matt, shopped at primark and had dinner at our apartment. they invited us on a trip to CT this past weekend to see their cousin perform at a community theater. it was so nice to just tag along with someone else's plan. we just showed up and went along for the ride.

R&T are very casual and very lenient on time. matt and i's new normal is to rush and be on a time crunch so traveling with them really helped us slow down and chill. it was nice to experience how another couple travels and to finally not be in charge. thanks T for driving! we watched elf the musical (which was quite funny and entertaining), stayed at a hotel that night while they stayed at their cousin's place, visited their family the next day, met up with their resident friend at yale and got a short "tour", and got malaysian food for dinner! they are a bit younger than us, so it also feels like they have more energy. R takes a lot of nice pictures and brings a warm happy energy to the group.

[aki-bara]

I'm responding to this with my take on the book as requested by @iamnotadumbdonut Not trying to start an argument. Also please keep in mind I do not currently own a copy of Chalice of the Gods so everything I'm talking about is just from my memory and may be inaccurate.

My overall take away from the book was that Percy is depressed and dealing with it poorly.

What first struck me about the book was Percy's general tone. In many of the books you could describe Percy's narration as irreverent, flippant, or teasing. Despite this there's a sense that he genuinely cares about what is happening and about making sure his actions have a positive impact on events as they unfold.

In this book the flippancy is there, but we begin to see a lack of genuine empathy, even for characters Percy has a close emotional connection too. This detached style of narration feels unique to this book and to me reads as apathy on Percy's part. The way Percy describes the more dangerous parts of this quest lack a real sense of danger and Percy seems to almost never panic in the moment, unlike in earlier books. Many consider depression to be an absence of feeling, and to me that seems to be what's happening here.

Let's take a look at the beginning of the book. If I remember correctly we start at Percy's school where he has been called to the guidance counselor's office. Percy isn't a big describer in previous books, but he spends a lot of time here describing the school, the counselor's office, the counselor herself, and a frog painting. The focus on the superficial here read (to me) as an attempt by Percy to distance himself from the emotions of this moment. Percy as a narrator is someone I feel dislikes talking too much about himself, but the lack of insight we get here feels especially pointed. Whether this was an intentional choice on Percy's part to distance himself from the reader or subconscious is up for debate.

The feeling that comes through strongest on these pages in my mind is disdain. Percy hates this school. He doesn't want to be here. It's clearly a place they put "rejects" or people that don't fit, and what better way to emphasize that than by literally focusing on the ill-fitting furniture and inappropriate murals. The school doesn't care, and in turn the students don't care. Percy wants us to believe he doesn't care either. Whether that's true or not, isn't particularly important. What is important is how this is communicated to us.

If I remember correctly Percy never outright says anything negative about the school or mock it. In past books whenever he's disliked something he hasn't held back on mocking whatever it is or explaining just how and why he dislikes it. Despite a lack of mocking here, it's clear Percy doesn't care for the school and his lack of comment communicate this just as effectively as any cutting remark. This results in a feeling that Percy both hates his school and is too tired to mock it. He doesn't care enough, he can't think of anything to say that can't already be said in the simple description we're offered.

Now I'd like to talk to you about the frog mural. Percy has a strange fixation on what he describes as a picture of a "sick frog" because apparently this used to be the school nurses office. Why is this frog here? Why is Percy fixating on it? Of course the in-universe reason for the frog to be there is because its a bad school wall mural, but why did Rick decide to write that there is a sick frog on the wall in this office? Throughout the conversation with the guidance counselor Percy continously empathizes with the sad frog, and while it's definitely a joke, there's a sense of truth to the humor, a sort of genuine spark of "Percy" we don't see in the previous pages.

Next Percy gets flushed and sees his dad. While Percy's chapter titles have always been sarcastic, this one feels especially pointed. (No actual help occurs, or something like that) Percy is one of the few demigods that I would consider to have a positive relationship with his godly parent, yet Percy comes into this encounter ready to fight. He mocks his dad's fashion choice. This isn't his first time describing his father's "look," but it is the first time he does so derisively. He also implies his dad seems to care more about his home rennovations than anything else. Reading this scene I was left wondering, did something happen between these two? Or is it that something "didn't" happen?

The animosity Percy brings to this conversation feels excessive. Remembering the last time that he and Poseidon spoke (to our knowledge) was at the end of the HoO series, I was left wondering if Percy's resentment in this scene was a result of Percy wanting his dad to do more for him. I think Poseidon actually offers to flood Percy's school at some point during this conversation? I could be remembering wrong, but to me this seems like Poseidon is genuinely trying to make a caring gesture. To us it's obviously a completely inappropriate response, but this attempt at kindness only seems to irritate Percy further.

Now, this could be a me thing, but when I have my worst depressive episodes I start to engage in an activity I like to call "bridge burning." I think the reason I (and likely others) insitgate this behavior is out of a false sense that we've been wronged. When you are depressed, you're hurting. The people who you expect to help you in these moments are your friends and family. The problem with clinical depression is that your friends and family can't help you. If you haven't realized this, you may begin to feel increasingly frustrated as being with the people you love continuously fails to alleviate your negative feelings. This is when the lashing out begins. Depression makes you think people don't care about you. Lashing out at people is a way of "proving" this to yourself. It's simultaneously a call for help, like many self destructive behaviors are. And I'm the depressed person's mind it is deserved for the reasons previously stated.

My sense in this scene was that Percy perhaps feels like his dad is not doing enough for him. (No actual help occurs.) Whether that feeling is justified or not, we can't be certain. Either way it feels clear to me that Poseidon DOES care about Percy. He is trying to help him, even if the way he goes about it isn't in the way Percy wants or needs. Percy understandably comes away from this encounter feeling pretty crappy, but notably unlike Annabeth and Grover, whose reactions are of outrage and dismay, Percy's own feelings are just more tired frustration, like an "of course this would happen," reflecting a cynical self-defeating attitude typical of individuals suffering from depression.

Now lets focus on the plot of the book, and of the series overall. Percy is told essentially, that he has to "make up" for his continued existance. It goes without saying, but this is a REALLY crappy thing to say to someone. Can you imagine yourself telling ANY person that they don't deserve to exist? That they shouldn't exist? That they need to do something to prove they deserve to exist? Percy is rightfully upset at being told he needs to do these quests, but he seems to be upset because he's ALREADY done so much, not because the idea itself is insulting as hell. This leads us to wonder, does Percy actually feel he needs to prove his right to exist?

Obviously regardless of if he believes that, he clearly feels he's already proven it. But if you define the value of your life in terms of your usefullness to others, you are quickly going to run into trouble. For most of his life Percy has defined himself in tems of his relationships to others. Sally's son, Grover's best friend, Annabeth's ???? (didn't have a definition for this one until recently). Now he's heading into adult life and his goals are going to stop being defined by other people. He's going to have to find his own way forward. This is a time in many people's lives where they are left to wonder what they want to do and why they are here. Percy is literally presented with this question through Zeus. He is asked to define his own existence, and his rejection of this goal speaks to me of a clear lack of certainty regarding the future, regarding the reasons for his own existence.

The next significant moment in the book to me in relation to this theme is the aftermath of heebie jeebiesm which I may have spelled wrong. Percy, Annabeth, and Grover become little kids for a moment. Grover and Annabeth are understandable freaking out and begin to act a bit childishly. Percy, however, seems to act the same way he always has. While this is a pointed reminder at Percy's inability to be a child during his own childhood, it also reminds us these are the situations in which Percy is most comfortable. IE, the dangerous ones. Annabeth and Grover panic, but it feels like this is Percy in his natural element. And yet it's in the middle of a dangerous quest, something he actively does not want to be doing any longer.

There's a moment in Sea of Monsters where Percy says he's disappointed to have found that something he's really good at (sailing) is a useless skill. I wonder if he feels that way again now. He shines in these panicked moments of danger, but these dangerous moments have also caused him irrepairable harm and he rightfully no longer desires to engage in such activity. But what does he want to do? Annabeth sort of saves the day here with her chicken plan. and they are all restored to normal, but Percy leaves the encounter shaken. And he's shaken in a way I didn't anticipate and to be honest, didn't fully understand.

The scene with his mom on the balcony really shook me. Percy so rarely allows himself to be vulnerable around others. His mom is one of the few people he's comfortable showing weakness too, but he still resists that temptation nine times out of ten. Now, what happened to him earlier that day has shaken him so much that he confides in her, and nearly starts crying when she affirms that he's a good kid. Low self-worth is a key symptom of depression, and honestly this whole experience felt so innocous that I was surprised by how much it triggered these negative feelings in Percy, to the point where he even grew tearful about it!

This isn't the only time Percy gets tearful in this book either. The second time it happens? When his father tells him over the phone that he is proud of him. Both times Percy became emotional in this book it was because the people he loves and respects affirmed his self worth to him. This boy is struggling to see the positive things in himself and these two moments really sent that home for me.

The final thing I want to mention is the "battle" Percy has with the river spirit whose name I can't fucking remember. Percy seems to really give no shits about what happened in this encounter and considering he almost fucking died that seems WILD to me. He goes into the encounter with no plan, says some shit, gets the crap beat out of him and then nearly kills the river spirit in retaliation. Annabeth somehow is calm throughout and even brought tea. Did she plan for this? She didn't tell Percy the plan if so, or maybe she did and he just didn't care enough to relate it to us or even pay attention. The overall vibe throughout this whole scene is that he just doesn't care about what's happening, and again, that's that apathy I mentioned.

Jesus christ I wrote a lot. Sorry. @iamnotadumbdonut This is my real response, the other one was a mispost. I hope what I said makes sense!

some observations about the changes in Percy's personality in the chalice of the gods because im a fucking dumb fuck

if you've read chalice of the gods, (and if you haven't then just go and read it PLZ), it's pretty obvious that Percy's personality has become more "bby girl" sassy than his original "angsty skater boi" sassy. now i know I'm probably making excuses for rick's writing still, which changed considerably after writing 5 whole books from apollo's perspective, who is the canon bby girl btw, but some of his sass has transferred into Percy's personality. this could also be because of the natural change in Percy tho. for starters, he's growing up now. leaving the angsty angry teen years behind. obviously, his emotions are more in control. in chalice of the gods, it is indirectly stated he keeps his cool more than he did before. in the tower of Nero, he seems more amiable than he ever was, which just proves my boi has become a well rounded individual on the way to adulthood who has learnt to not be angry and childish. good for him.

another reason he's a lot happier than before, and i could be wrong, but i most definitely am not, is that Percy was pretty angry and snarky before he went into Tartarus, right up till MoA. and boom, in house of hades, he falls into Tartarus, gets hella traumatized, broken af and just fucking destroyed, and then he enters the mortal world again, all sappy and shit. most people think that he's all happy and so he's dumbed down in the blood of olympus in order to raise all the others to the pedestal, but isn't that how anyone will react after going to hell and back??? sure he was dark and all scary at first, but when that boy healed (almost completely, after all PTSD never really leaves you ) he was just so full of joy. because that's the rational way to go about it. compared to all the shit in Tartarus, any problem in the world was next to fucking NOTHING. no problem was too big because he has been to literal hell, and hence all his anger has died down and is just a little spark now, and so just pointing it out old Percy= snark/ impertinence (close enough eh) Percy in Tartarus= fucking broken lmao new Percy= lost most of his anger, a lot happier, nothing else. and hence a new equation is formed snark-anger=sass so now all that's left is sass it's also given in the dictionary that while sass is just playfully feisty, snark is supposed to rude. that's all. Percy hasn't been dumbed down. he's just happier and more carefree (again pointing out, not the same as careless, which Percy was before) wait wait wait yes

old Percy= careless new Percy=carefree careless + more responsible + more considerate - anxious =carefree

boom bitches im the psychological mathematician. ciao muahahhhhaahahaha

[cannabisexual]

As a late 20s living in the early 20s, what's your opinion on this decade so far?

hoo boy, what a question that is. first off, thanks for asking! i guess it's kind of a tale of two lived experiences, because the contrast is just that extreme.

on one hand, i'm finally at a place in my life where i finally feel like i'm properly stepping into the world and living more or less how i want to. i've got a pretty solid teaching job, a loving spouse, four lovely pets, and the two of us were lucky enough to barely afford a down payment on a relatively cheap house back in 2021. also, i feel way more comfortable in my sexuality and gender identity than i ever have in the past, so that gives me great peace of mind as well. it has taken a long time to get to where i am today, and in that sense i'm happier than i ever have been before. i know my place in this world, and life is good.

...on the other hand, however, i have serious concerns about the future. we have all these fucking asshats in control all over the world, some literally older than TV, and all of whom seem hell-bent on ending all life on earth as we know it just because their precious feelings are hurt too much. these motherfuckers are gambling on a future they will never live long enough to see, and will never face the long-term consequences of their actions, such as they are. i have spent so much of my life working my ass off as a 1st generation immigrant to the US, always trying my best to do the right thing to get to where i am. in large part, i have greatly succeeded. i did everything that was ever expected of me and more, with the general expectation that i had a more-or-less guaranteed future ahead of me as I was guided through life early on. seeing these self-important dickheads callously treating other people like they're garbage makes me really angry.

i have always wanted children, and i still do, but at the moment i'm not convinced this world will be one worth raising them in anymore. or at least, one that will inspire the same kinds of dreams and wonder and excitement that i once had as a child myself, and to an extent still do. sometimes i consider what's going on around me and go "what is the point anymore", and that's a real fucking shame. we should all be looking forward to tomorrow, but unfortunately that is hardly the case for anyone.

none of this even begins to address current geopolitical conflicts/tensions, all of the systemic issues we have in the world, and the amount of discriminatory and racist legislation being shoved through much of the country i live in. all of it has had a severe impact on my mental health. i could go on, but i'd be here for hours.

so yeah, that's my general outlook on life and the world around me. on a personal level, things are going reasonably well, but in the grand scheme of things we probably are might be fucked. call me naive, but i figured that in this day and age humanity might have finally gotten its shit together long enough to secure our species's continued existence, especially as a survivor of an attempted ethnic cleansing/genocide. after what my people and i went through, i didn't think it'd be possible to see humans treat each other like that again. but no, clearly i was a fool for thinking like that. there are too many selfish assholes out there who clearly didn't pay attention to "sharing is caring" in school and want nothing but whatever benefits them and their sphere of influence. the only difference is this time some of them have nukes and are looking for an excuse to use them. and even if we don't blow ourselves up, we're actively destroying our planet and there's very little the average person can do about it, which is depressing as all hell. i genuinely fear what is to come for our species in the near future, but all we can do is keep moving and control what aspects of our lives we can. in general i try to focus my energy on the positives and less on the negatives, because devoting too much mental and emotional energy to the latter just leads to endless misery, and i can't handle it anymore. i've fucking earned some goddamn peace and happiness in this world after all i've been through, and saying that shouldn't be controversial.

thanks for the ask, friendo! it's rare i get to share my thoughts like this.

[i-watch-too-many-movies]

5 Favorite First Viewings of July 2021

Quick note: Hi everyone, I'm back, things have honestly been getting better for me, and I'm glad to be on this site full of cinephiles, people that are too horny, and cinephiles that are too horny. I'll be more active on here. But anyway, let's talk about some movies.

Beyond the Valley of the Dolls (1970) (dir. Russ Meyer)

CW: Abortion mention

What a picture. What a gorgeous, sexy, horrifying slice of what Hollywood and star life can do to a bunch of bright-eyed young people looking for success. Also is a critique of how macho nature can ruin friendships and romantic relationships with total ease. I was obsessed with the scene transitions, like Pet pouring pancake mix onto a plate after the abortion scene, or Kelly singing after someone screams before their murder in the opening scene.

Great, campy flick with exceptional music too.

Deep Cover (1992) (dir. Bill Duke)

Laurence Fishburne plays Russell Stevens, a Cincinnati police officer who hopes to do well by the community, to make a difference. He’s traumatized by the death of his substance-abusing father, and wants to make sure that he can help the people of his own town. He goes undercover on assignment as a drug dealer, where his boss orders him to take down the kingpin. Stevens realizes the police’s own failings while on assignment. The racist abuse he takes from Agent Carver, and the realization that the police department is protecting drug kingpins like Gallegos and Barbossa. Giving drugs to Black kids and Latinx kids so there will be less of them. The cops are no different than the drug kingpins looking to make filthy amounts of money.

Fishburne’s performance is excellent, as Stevens feels he has to maintain a stone face so he doesn’t get caught by Jason or Barbossa or any of his cronies, but also he maintains a stone face to try and hide his emotion, his trauma. But when he gets pissed, Fishburne acts it beautifully, as is when he has to deliver a funny quip to counter Jason’s douchebaggery. And the production design, holy fuck, the sets and the lighting.

A perfect neo-noir for the HW Bush years, arguably one of the most timeless commentaries on the era, as well as the police as a whole.

Fast Five (2011) (dir. Justin Lin)

I was torn between including this or Furious 7, but I ultimately went with Fast Five because it felt like an important turning point in the series, it's a great heist film, and it reached the same chaotic highs and genuinely excellent filmmaking that I had been waiting for since 2 Fast and Tokyo Drift.

Fast Five opens where Fast & 4ious left off. Dom is hauled away to prison on a bus. Mia and Brian drive in their high-tech cars and knock the bus over, helping Dom escape. The title drops. Fast Five. It’s such an intense yet short action scene, and dropping the title immediately after it lets the viewer know that this movie is not fucking around. It’s arguably gonna be more intense and insane than the previous one.

And it is. The filmmakers made the decision to use a lot more practical stunt work for the film, and as a result, it leads to, so far, the best action in the entire series, since 2 Fast and Tokyo Drift. It’s not just how it’s shot or edited, it’s the geography of the locations, the rooftop chase echoes the rooftop chase of Jackie Chan’s masterwork Police Story, particularly the way each character bounces from top to top.

And of course, there’s the silliest moment in the movie, the one that matches the intensity and kineticism of a film like 2 Fast, which is driving the Reyes’ bank vault throughout the street, getting chased by corrupt cops.

I know we make fun of Vin Diesel for saying “family” all the time in these films, but there’s a reason we remember him saying all of these impassioned monologues. Because he’s unbelievably sincere, and has so much love in his heart for every single person in the room. Anytime he delivers a speech to any of them, it’s genuinely heartwarming.

This is the film that finally shows La Familia in their best environment, which is working together, in a movie genre that allows them to work together, which is a heist film. And a great one at that.

Last Days (2005) (dir. Gus Van Sant)

CW: Mention of suicide

Several films have been made about legendary rock artist Kurt Cobain, and for good reason. He is one of the most tragic figures in rock and roll. A tortured genius who has written and performed classic song after classic song with his band Nirvana. He was called the voice of a generation, and helped change the face of mainstream alternative rock music as we know it. But with that fame, and all of those expectations came a worsening depression and further drug abuse, and his eventual death. But most of the films about Kurt Cobain ask one question which gets under my skin way too much:

“Who REEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLY killed Kurt Cobain?”

It was him. He did. And it’s okay, I’m sad too. Thinking that Kurt Cobain was murdered is completely ignoring the depression that he faced. And despite Last Days being more inspired by the death of Cobain rather than actually about it, it feels much more honest than the conspiracy documentaries on his death, wanting to leech off of his dead body.

This is the last installment of Gus Van Sant’s “Death Trilogy”, the previous two installments being Gerry (2001), and Elephant (2003). While I have not seen Gerry, I have seen Elephant though, and love that film for its minimalist, raw nature, and its boldness for not romanticizing the school shooter or the lives they had taken. Last Days falls into that trap once, as I don’t agree with the shot of Blake’s soul climbing up a ladder, that always struck me as cheesy in a film that is anything but.

Last Days is similar to Elephant in terms of the way it is filmed. Its usage of long takes, and still shots of characters doing various things, such as Blake playing his guitar behind a drum set. The way these moments are shot is similar to a Chantal Akerman film, particularly Jeanne Dielman. Where the acts of the mundane are the stars of the film. Blake wanders around an empty house, and the viewer can feel the pain, not just through Michael Pitt’s acting, but from the house itself. Its decay, its paint peeling from the walls, from the soft glow of the lamp that lights his face.

I say this is the most honest film about Kurt Cobain, because, despite the characters technically being fictional (the main character who looks, walks, and acts like Cobain is named Blake), this film focuses on the mental state of a person before they eventually take their own life. They’re still working, still making music, still trying to talk to friends and bandmates, but the depression lingers on. Not once does this film try to make you believe that someone else killed him, because you can see the signs of his own suicide taking place just through the film’s excellent cinematography by Harris Savides, showing his mental state only growing worse through the production design.

And it’s empathetic with him. There’s no judgement for leaving rehab, there’s no finger-wagging at him or the people he was with, there’s just a silent prayer at the end of the film, hoping that he is in a better place than he was.

Sometimes you don’t need to show every event that led you to where you are, all you can show is the moment, which also makes this better than most biopics as well, as it never feels messy or muddled, just showing one moment of Blake/Kurt’s life.

I really loved this film, and I’ll be writing about it in full soon.

The Village (2004) (dir. M. Night Shyamalan)

The Cracked.com/Channel Awesome audience stuck in 2012 will tell you that this was the beginning of the end for Shyamalan. That this was when people stopped taking him seriously, that this was when he became more of a punchline because of his twist endings.

But why?

The Village was released in 2004, deep in the Bush administration, during the early stages of the Iraq War. The leaders of the time were talking about imaginary boogeymen, terrorists that would attack the civilians if they could. Because of 9/11, politicians could get away with these false ideas with the majority of Americans fully believing them. The boogeymen in The Village are “The People We Don’t Speak Of”, monsters attracted by the color red. Yet we find out that they are all costumes made by the Elders of the land, designed to prevent people from going outside the land. They rule by fear disguised as love. They’ve gone through their own traumas through the deaths of their family members, but they’ve decided to completely abandon the lives that they’ve had and have their children living lies.

9/11 impacted American life by teaching citizens to live primarily by fear, to not trust anyone but their own people. And yet, post-9/11, all that increased was not “coming together”, but hate crimes against South Asian people. The rage white Americans had felt led to conservative politicians pushing fear-mongering agendas, and said white Americans blindly accepted. The outside world was progressing, but too many people were fine with living with further conservative politics only regressing American life further and further back, all for the illusion of safety. Meanwhile, the only threats to them were not the brown citizens outside of America they were so afraid of, but the white elders, the white politicians.

The Village explores these fears so eloquently, all while having a terrifying atmosphere, an enchanting score, and brilliant sound design. I enjoyed this movie very much.

Other viewings I enjoyed:

Beavis and Butt-Head Do America (1996) (dir. Mike Judge) (re-watch)

Blow Out (1981) (dir. Brian de Palma) (re-watch)

Clueless (1995) (dir. Amy Heckerling) (re-watch)

Furious 7 (2015) (dir. James Wan)

The Long Goodbye (1973) (dir. Robert Altman)

Lupin III: The First (2019) (dir. Takashi Yamazaki)

Unbreakable (2000) (dir. M. Night Shyamalan) (re-watch)

Velvet Goldmine (1998) (dir. Todd Haynes)

The Visit (2015) (dir. M. Night Shyamalan)

[fibrowarriorgirl]

Toxic positivity & chronic illness

This post is aimed mainly for the people who aren't chronically ill themselves, but for those who know someone dear to them is chronically ill. Although I think a lot of chronically ill peeps will be able to relate to this post.

"Stay positive." It's something that pretty much everyone hears in their life. In our darkest moments, we will always have someone telling us to be as happy as possible. Remember the last time you were upset, and someone told you something like this. How much did you appreciate this?

Sure, it can definitely help under certain circumstances. Let's say you failed a test at school. Your parents telling you "it's okay, better luck next time!" could actually cheer you up. But what if it wasn't just any test, but an important exam you failed. "Better luck next time!" is a lot less pleasing to hear. You failed your exam, you won't be able to go to your next year, all your friends did pass so you won't be in their class any more, and the next time you do the exam will be over a year from now. The phrase "better luck next time" sounds bitter more than anything. And definitely isn't appreciated.

We as humans often feel inclined to turn anything bad into something positive. It's a natural response. You see someone you love in pain, you want to be able to say something that will make it better. But we have to be realistic, there will be times when someone is in pain (physically, mentally or both), and there is nothing to say to make it better. And you trying to make it better, only makes it worse.

I've only had my fibromyalgia diagnosis for almost a month, but I've had episodic pain for over a year now and constant pain for almost 5 months now. Especially this last month has been rough with toxic positivity.

Receiving the fibromyalgia diagnosis was hard. At the time of being diagnosed, I didn't know too much about it. I had read about a few symptoms, but I honesty didn't think I could have it. So once I did some research, I was devastated with my diagnosis. And something I noticed, is that a lot of people were trying to help me by saying uplifting things.

"But Elke, what's so bad about that?" What bothered me the most, was that I wasn't even diagnosed for a week and people were telling me to cheer up. Telling me it could be worse, telling me what has helped them when they had pain once, it will get better, it will pass. And I always had the same response: "Let me be sad for a while."

I had just heard I had chronic pain. I have a very frustrating diagnosis. Doctors can't tell me what it is in my body that is causing all of my symptoms. There is no medication. I need mobility aids to get around. I will need a very intense form of rehabilitation. So yes, I was pretty depressed for a few days. The last thing I needed, was to hear it could be worse. I was grieving, grieving the life I once lived. I was in denial of the life I was forced to start living.

Maybe you're thinking that even though your positivity isn't welcome, but it can't hurt, right? Unfortunately, you're wrong. Being told that something could be worse, tells me I am bothering you, that my pain isn't severe enough to be upset about. Maybe that isn't your intention at all, but it is somewhat implied. We also internalise this way of thinking. I tell myself "it could be worse" so I can't feel bad. Even though my head can be pounding, my joints burning, with no energy in my body to do even the simplest of tasks, I'm still not allowing myself to feel bad. Because there is someone out there who has it worse.

Not only does this phrase negatively impact me, it impacts my surroundings. Let me take a friend of mine, who I will call Jane Doe for the sake of anonymity. Jane suffers from an undiagnosed eating disorder and body dysmorphia. And a few weeks ago, she told me she felt bad whenever she talked about her struggles with her body to me. "You're actually in constant pain, you have it so much worse." Do you know how heartbreaking it is to hear that? She is struggling with something I know can be so challenging. She is in (mental) pain, but "it could be worse." I am still here for Jane, I don't think of her pain as less or not as important as mine. I don't want her to feel like that.

Of course, there are many things chronically ill people are frequently told that do more damage than good. "I had pain here once, so I did x and y and it went away." We already tried x and y. We tried the whole alphabet. "It will pass." No, it's a chronic illness. It can get better, maybe. I could go on and on.

Discussing toxic positivity is awkward. Because I realise all of these things are said with love, with the intention to help, to put a smile on my face. So I don't want to point out that you're actually hurting me by saying this. I often will just smile and nod through it. And I get it, I really do. I too have done this in the past, I probably still do without even noticing. And I also understand that my loved ones also have to adapt to my new life. You don't get a handbook on how to deal with your chronically ill daughter/partner/friend/etc. So that's why I'm posting this, to educate.

Instagram account @unchartedmalady posted a quote a few days ago that inspired me to write this post. "We don't seek solutions or treatments from friends or family. That is what medical professionals are for. We want support, understanding and empathy." This perfectly describes how I feel about this.

I'm in pain, every day. Some days, I get a lot done. Maybe I'm in a little less pain, but that isn't necessarily the reason. I could be excited to do something, I could have rested a lot the days beforehand, maybe I just somehow woke up with more spoons than usual. There are also days where I am not able to do much. There are even days that I can only get out of bed to use the toilet. Maybe this is a really bad pain, but that also isn't necessarily the reason. I could have received bad news, I have just done something 'big' the days before and need to rest, maybe I just woke up with less spoons.

On my good days, I don't need much support. But on those bad days, I need you. And I don't need you to help me. I need to be able to tell you "today fucking sucks, this is why" and for you to listen. Seeing your loved one is in pain is uncomfortable, you will feel the need to say something positive to cheer them up. This might sound blunt, but learn to deal with that uncomfortable feeling. Some appropriate responses could be:

"Do you know what to do on days like this?"

"Have you been able to discuss this with (medical professional)?"

"I am here for you."

"I'm sorry you're going through this."

"Can I help you with anything?"

Something that I personally think is a great alternative to saying something positive is: "I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better." This acknowledges that you want to say something to help, but that you realise there is nothing you can say to help. And also, be honest if you don't know what to say. "That sounds awful, I genuinely don't know what to say." There is nothing wrong with being honest about that.

And to finish this post off, I am not here raging against everyone who has every said something 'toxically positive.' I am here educating about this. It's okay to make mistakes, especially if you didn't know about this. And maybe you will still make this mistake every now and again, that's okay. As long as you're trying. We're all human, we all make mistakes. If you're ever not completely sure how to handle a situation with your chronically ill loved one, please just ask (respectfully).

(Credit for image goes to uncharted malady on instagram. Click here to visit their profile)

[beybladeimagines]

How would the All Starz comfort an s/o who's feeling worthless from depression and being crushed from their too high self-expectations? (If you're wondering how I'm doing, I'm doing fine! I have support but sometimes it's easy to slip back into that way of thinking, you know? Keep up the good work!)

Mod Note: I’m so sorry I just now got to this, but thanks so much for your support and being an angel. I also appreciate you telling me that you’re okay, because I did low-key panic. But I love you and hope you continue to find happiness in the new year. 

MAX: Despite his cheerful exterior, Max knows the feeling of depression all too well. The feeling arrived the moment his mom left him and his stuck with him for years. It even seemed to escalate when he realized just how much he had to do to get his moms eyes back on him. Meeting expectations, especially hers, was pretty rough. Although much time has passed and he’s found ways to cope, it does arrive in waves and he’d never wish the feeling on anyone. So, when he realizes that his partner is experiencing the same thing, he can’t help but internally corrode. I just imagine him with his arms out, approaching his partner, and slowly bringing them to his chest. He gets it, so he finds himself holding the other tighter and tighter. He hopes that all of his love sinks right into their skin and finds a way into their heart. He isn’t exactly sure who made them feel that way, but he wants them to know just how unbelievably happy they’ve managed to make him. He knows that sometimes, we as people tend to prioritize others in our lives and their views of us hold a tremendous weight… But he also knows that validation from someone else can really reassure you that you’re doing the right thing. Upon holding his partner, I can see him kneeling before them, making sure that their eyes are on him as he speaks. If they’re crying, he’s there to wipe away those tears and smile while praising the fuck out of them. He’d bring up significant stories of their time together - all the moments in which his partner managed to change his perspective, or made him happy, or motivated him. He wants the other to know just how powerful they really are. He never even had expectations for them, but somehow they managed to make a profound impact on his life so effortlessly. Max would give it his all to remind his partner of their worth. It’d be a very memorable and emotionally intimate experience.

MICHAEL: His first instinct is to get angry, but never at his partner. Michael is truly a free spirit and seldom commits to anything or anyone (except for his team). So, when he’s finally found someone that he’s so completely addicted to and enamored by, he treats their pain as if it’s his own. His partner becomes his everything - I mean literally, he elevates them. At first, he wouldn’t understand the source of their suffering. It’s an innocent thought - he just thinks their so perfect, how could anyone possibly think otherwise? You’ll have to excuse his behavior, because he’s never had to think about anyone other than himself. The first thing he’d ask his partner is, “who do I have to annihilate?” He’d probably reach for his bat too, as if assuming that someone else was responsible for making his better half feel that way (and that violence is the only way to address it). Although his outrage might appear concerning, he’d never do anything without their permission, but he’d try to explain his actions. In the heat of the moment, he’d end up spewing out every single reason as to why he loved his partner. And how he just can’t wrap his mind around people who can’t see the exact same perfect person he does.

However, Michael can empathize with not being able to meet expectations as well. After all, he couldn’t meet Judy’s expectations and didn’t get a chance to play in the championships. Of course that was devastating and he had to rely on his own ego to keep from feeling like an absolute loser or failure. He knows how broken he was, and he’d want to make sure his partner never experienced the same low as him. He’d most likely use that opportunity to open up to his partner. Upon explaining his feelings, he’d most likely add how suddenly Judy’s expectations meant nothing when he found his significant other. He managed to reevaluate his definition of success. It no longer looked like being the All American Hero. Success ended up looking like a stable relationship with his partner and as far as he was concerned, he got that. So, he’d ask his partner to think about those expectations and reexamine them. 

RICK: He usually struggles to display his honest affection outside of aggression, annoyance, and the occasional narcissism. However, Rick is actually empathetic and the perfect person to serve as an ear for his significant other. At first, he’d listen in silence and pay attention to the subtle ways in which their voice cracks and quivers, their pauses, the words they use, and so on… Rick is trying so hard to understand and pick up on every little detail that others would otherwise neglect. He knows just how far someone can sink thanks to depression - he’s experienced it himself. Although he’s used those negative thoughts as fuel, he understands that it’s not always easy to do what he did (hell, he barely did it). As his partner is speaking, I just imagine him putting both of his hands on their shoulders mid sentence. He’d press his forehead against their own and breathe out softly through his nose. I can imagine him saying, “you’re too hard on yourself…” And that’s pretty powerful coming from someone who’s always hard on themselves as well. Although he can justify that behavior towards himself, he doesn’t think his partner should be doing it to themselves.

I can picture him listing off every thing he loves about his partner, all while offering kisses in between every statement. But all at once, he’d want to work through those thoughts with his partner. He’s not usually good with his words (unless it’s being sassy), but he sincerely wants to try for them. He’d listen to where there head’s at, but I see him always having a rebuttal to every piece of self-doubt and uncertainty that his partner extends. Rick isn’t the type to be encouraging - let’s be honest, he’s put a lot of people down. So to see him extending praise so effortlessly (like, literally, not even seconds after his partner spoke), just shows you how highly he thinks of his significant other and how much faith he has in them to meet all their goals. But, he’d also critique some of those goals and expectations if he found them harmful. Affirmation is great, but he calls bullshit on anything that has the potential to hurt them.

EMILY: If it were anyone else, she’d tell them to suck it up. Emily has tremendous trust issues and doesn’t like it when others are vulnerable around her. However, when it comes to her partner, she exerts all of her energy and attention on them. Again, Emily feels uncomfortable and intimidated by vulnerability. She knows that people take advantage of emotions, but she’d never be the type to do that to her partner. Her partner would be the first person to confront her with depression and although Emily is well-read on the topic, she’d struggle with truly understanding it. She takes this opportunity to really hear her partner out, to really familiarize herself with these emotions and the source of them. Honestly, Emily would ask some great questions and you can tell she’s trying to really empathize with her partner in order to avoid saying something unnecessary or stupid. She understands expectations. She has set many for herself and constantly curses at herself for not meeting them. But… If her partner doesn’t meet them, she doesn’t think they’re a failure. Rather, she thinks they’re so brave for trying so hard. 

Emily will begin to admit her admiration, but she’d be careful to avoid sounding as if she’s encouraging the kind of expectations being set. She’d tell her partner that some goals just aren’t meant to be reached. Although it’s a hard pill to swallow, especially for her, she is trying to transition into his idea that it’s so much better to focus on goals that are attainable, not self-deprecating, and not established thanks to the influence of others. Honestly, while speaking, Emily is also internalizing this advice for herself. She thrives from communication and wants to have a genuine and intimate conversation with her partner. Eventually, she’ll realize that she needs to shut up, so she’ll simply guide her partners head into her lip and start playing with their hair. She’ll allow her physical presence to serve as a distraction, but continues to encourage her partner to speak - regardless of what the topic is.

EDDY: Eddy would most likely attempt to distract his partner immediately. Sometimes, people don’t want to talk. Sometimes, it’s scary to actually vocalize the very things you wish weren’t weighing on you. Having to repeat expectations can be frightening and he doesn’t want his significant other to make those expectations seem as if they’re real and should be worthy of their emotional labor. So, he’d swoop in, quite literally (probably picking them up bridal style and swinging them around) before taking them out somewhere. It’s not that Eddy is avoiding the issue - rather, he’s also aware that it’s probably not best to manifest that negative energy in a space devoted to love and relaxation. He’d encourage them to speak when they felt comfortable while they were out walking, or while they were watching the stars, or while they were at an amusement park. He wants to be surrounded by things that can easily lift his partner when he sees that they are sinking. His mentality is very much “I have to get you out of here. I have to make you feel good. I don’t want you thinking about things that don’t make you happy. I want you to always be surrounded by the things that can put a smile on your face.” So, in other words, he wants to make every place a safe space, but also allow his partner to escape if they aren’t in the mood to confront their feelings.

STEVE: Steve has learned to be a bit more sympathetic, but continues to be straight forward. When he goes his injury, he realized he couldn’t meet a lot of the expectations he set for himself. He understands exactly what his partner is going through, but instead of making it about himself, he continues to stay silent and listens to them the entire time. He’d be the type to pull them into his chest and slowly rub their shoulder. He uses a lot of physical gestures to calm his partner down and to put them at ease. Through physical therapy, he’s learned how simple gestures can make profound impacts on the body, so he’s passing that knowledge down in order to make his partner as comfortable as possible. 

[crowsent]

Can you explain the color switch technique for theater more clearly? I'm going to audition for our high school play and I want a reliable way to act without having to relive my worst memories.

dunno when exactly you sent this anon, but i hope i havent responded too late.

SO. the colour switch technique. dunno if its an official name or whatever BUT its essentially used in theatre or really in any other scenario where you have to lie or assume an emotion that you’re not currently feeling. essentially, you have to play a role. but since you said youre auditioning for a play, we focusin on the theatre aspect of it.

the most common thing i see or hear people do when they need to play an emotion that they just aren’t feeling at that moment, is to think of a personal event in their lives that elicits that specific emotion. it WILL work, or at the very least, elicit a strong emotion that pushes you to make your scene more believable and more alive. now thats great if the memory or event is a happy one. thinking of the first time you ever held your baby sibling, or that time you had your first kiss, or that day your parents surprised you with a new car. genuine happiness, or the memory of genuine happiness can work wonders to make a scene look and feel organic.

but if the emotion is negative, its going to absolutely DECIMATE your mental health.

no matter how much you think that ‘its just for a scene’ or that it wont actually affect you when youre off the stage, using the “relive memory to recreate emotion” method can and will fuck your mental health sideways with a chainsaw. its BAD for you to constantly think of painful or sad memories. there’s rehearsals, the actual performance, and worse, memories of the play itself. associating the memory of a tragic accident or a bad fight to a scene of a play youre participating in IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU.

i did theatre back in highschool. my depression at that stage was also. uh. particularly bad. so the whole “relive traumatic memories to experience pain so you can act better” is TERRIBLE advise. dont listen to anyone who tells you to do it. it WILL negatively impact your mental health AND your memories of the play, and may even discourage you from participating in future plays yourself.

but you still need to find a way to channel those emotions.

in comes colour switch theory. or technique. whatever its called. my theatre directors were GODDESSES. they recommended this technique to EVERYONE and it WORKS.

the trick is to associate a particular colour with a particular emotion, or even facial expression. when you need to keep a stoic face, you picture the colour in your mind and chant it in your head over and over to not break character. when you need to be sad, just repeat the colour you chose for sadness over and over to get yourself in the mindset WITHOUT hurting your mental health. for me, some of the colours i chose were:

blue- sadness/loneliness

red- anger

black- nothingness

grey- fear

there are more, but lets focus on these four. blue is my favourite colour. but thinking of the colour blue it doesnt automatically make me sad, so i can still enjoy it when im off stage. to channel the emotion of sadness or loneliness that i tied with the colour blue, i think of sadness from inside out and her blue motif. i think of the blue colour commonly depicted for tears. i think of cold and i think of a single person all alone, curled up in a blue room, crying.

just talking about this made my body curl up when i was writing that paragraph. i am shaking, and i feel sad, but when i stopped thinking about that imagery, it stopped. because its not a painful or traumatic memory for me, i can just yeet the blue emotion imagery away from me when i dont want it. you cant do that with personal memories and thats what makes the colour switching strategy so good. you can act better but you dont have to hurt yourself to do it.

think of it as constructing a bubble in your head, or a room you go to when you need to feel something. for anger, i think of a red room. i think of that red emoji with the brows scrunched up and the teeth gnashed together. i think of being so angry you lose words. i think of being red-faced because you just cant control it. conveniently, anger from inside out is also red, so i can think of him too. i think of fire in my veins, hot and ready to explode with nowhere to go but loud, violent screaming. and as im writing this, i can picture myself on a stage just shouting at whoeever has done my character wrong.

same goes for black and grey. black is just when i need to keep a straight face. when i need to be stoic or unimpressed. and its just a black room. nothingness. i sometimes picture that black room in real life when i have to not laugh at something funny if the timing is inappropriate, or when i have to keep a strong facade when i want to cry. i picture that room of nothingness and my mind goes blank. and i can keep a stoic face. the grey room is fog and shadows just in the corner of my eye. its something closing in that i cant see because of all the grey swirling around me. i dont know if im alone. i dont know if i am safe because i can only see a foggy room.

all in all, mentally travelling to a room in your mind created for the express purpose of eliciting a specific emotion is better than just retraumatising yourself. and its really simple to create these rooms. you dont even have to use the same colours i did.

maybe you have more trouble with expressing lovey dovery emotions. you can make red your love room. think of red flowers on valentines day, the red heart decals you see on store windows, the red box of chocolate youd give to a lover. red is passion, red is life, and you can associate things like that with your red room if you want. its like a venn diagram. things you associate with red on the left, things you associate with the emotion on the right, and the things they have in common can be used to construct the imagery of the emotion colour switch room.

then you can just chant red red red in your mind and you think of the blush on the fair maidens cheek as her knight comes to rescue her. you can think of a scarlet dress dazzling everyone in the room, but the wearer only has eyes for one man. you can think of lipstick stain against a collar.

you can associate any emotion with any colour. my process was:

pick a colour

pick an emotion/facial expression

picture a small room in your mind

fill that room with things or imagery that match your emotion or expression

be as specific or as generic as you want

you can have a green room dedicated to irritation or envy or just the loose feeling that youre not completely happy. the reasoning can be just bc you thought of the phrase “green with envy” and thought itd be neat. green can be a mother experiencing the joy of holding her child for the first time because green=nature=nurturing=mother.

establish a connection with that colour. fill out your room and create the keyword to get in. im very unoriginal so my keyword was just chanting the colour name over and over in my head. if i say blue enough times i get sad, even if i dont picture the room bc my mind has formed a link to that state of being. and i can break away without much trouble bc the connection is just on the surface.

colour switch is hair chalk. reliving memories is hair dye. at the end of the day, both of them colour hair. but you can wipe off the hair chalk w relative ease but a thorough hair dye that produces vibrant colours cant easily be removed, even when you want to switch to a different colour, or maybe even lose the dye completely.

i would recommend picking an emotion or expression that youre not good at portraying, but dont struggle with as much for your first room. i am not good at expressing sadness, but im worst at expressing upset or anger. so when i first started my colour switch mindset room, i started with sadness. it helps me express an emotion that im not particularly good at expressing, while still being relatively easy for me to get the hang of. maybe try for the second or third worst emotion you express, build a room to channel that emotion, and establish your connection.

make it a well-tread path, essentially. first few times are gon be difficult, but the more you do it, the easier it gets. all i need now to fake-cry is picturing the blue room, saying blue a bunch of times, and making a face. then i cry. completely fake and not damaging to my health.

i hope this makes sense for you. if it doesnt, feel free to send in an ask with more detailed questions abt the parts youre confused about or anything else. same goes for anyone who happens to read this that has an interest in theatre. id rather answer a dozen asks of the same question than have any of yall do something so harmful to your mental health. if anything was at all confusing, please feel free to tell me and ill gladly clarify some more. stay safe and take care of yourselves. and to the anon who asked, i hope your play goes well

[tk-duveraun]

Hello TK, I admit I had never seen you around and only stumbled on your recent post about lies and leaving fandom because a blog I follow reblogged it. I therefore know nothing of the original matter and from what it stemmed, but I just wanted to tell you that I am sorry for what happened to you, it sounds genuinely awful. I'm not going to ask what it was about because I assume it's a sensitive topic, regardless ... know you are stronger than the lies and the pain. :)

Thank you!

The primary reason I’m not giving out details is because I think innocent people will be hurt. Yes, it was devastating to me that people treated me badly because of these lies, but imagine, just imagine how much pain the people who believed the lies are in. When they realize I was nothing but kind to them and they hurt me so badly.

I’m sometimes seen as unapproachable and unflappable because of my confidence in my work and my drive to improve not only my life, but the lives of everyone around me. I won’t say it’s an act; I am proud of my work, but it’s definitely a calculated move to support my mental health. I have too much anxiety and impostor syndrome to send out the query letters I need to get my novel published. Nevermind the other struggles in my life with my physical health.

As I alluded to in one of my rage posts, to the best of my knowledge, the lies were in the vein of “TK’s talking shit about you behind your back” with the “shit I was talking” directly tailored to that person’s deepest insecurities. It’s... Unfathomable. These people I cared for so deeply... My love for them was used to hurt, not only me, but them, as well. 

I would deleted the TK name entirely, to save everyone else from potential harm, but my short story about depression and recovery is under this name and it’s too good, too meaningful, too impactful to delete. (It’s called Impulse Purchase and you can read it here.)

The compromise I made with myself was quitting fandom activities, effectively separating myself from what friends remained after the fallout. It wasn’t all bad. My book reviews are fantastic and I still offer writing advice on my Patreon, but it’s still been a difficult transition.

I still hold out hope that maybe the people who were lied to will eventually apologize for turning on me in such a fashion and we can rebuild a friendship, but as yet, no one has reached out to me.

Anyway, here’s a picture of my cat.

[sagemoderocklee]

Oh what's this about "the only valid fic that’s ever going to be written for gaalee"? You don't have to tell the name of the fic I'm just curious about what happened? Like what's the deal with this fic?

oof… well, this is a conversation I’ve had many a time, but be forewarned, I have a lot of feelings on this matter and this will… not be short.

I’ll just use [redacted] but in all honesty whether I give you the name or not, I promise, it wouldn’t be difficult to know what fic I’m talking about (not least of which because I’m one of the few people who has been vocal about that fic and when asked I make it known I have No Interest in it). But literally everyone in the GaaLee fandom knows about this fic that was written–after careful research–just over 13 years ago. THIRTEEN! That’s quite a long time for a fic to maintain such acclaim, but the GaaLee fandom is small and a bit of a fic desert when it comes to content, and in a way, I think that’s to blame…. 

From my perspective, this fic–which published it’s first chapter in September of 2005 on Livejournal, then posted in April 2006 to a lesser known fic hosting website–has remained a staple in this fandom for so long because it was, by and large, one of the only decent novel length fics in the fandom at the time. And that time was a long time. If you look at the GaaLee tag on any fanfiction hosting website, you won’t have an easy time finding novel length stories with quality writing, characterization, plot, etc. 

[Redacted] was, ostensibly, the first GaaLee fic with any real substance: it had good pros, and, seemingly, it had a plot (though if you ask me the plot was “get gaara and lee together, and forget about any and all conflict outside of them once they bone down”, but I digress). 

People loved this fic. So much so that there are a number of depictions of scenes from this fic drawn by talented fanartists, there are podfics, there are probably translations, there’s a fucking TV Tropes entry. But the real impact this fic has had on the fandom? The reason I always vaguely complain about it?: “I won’t read anything if it’s not [Redacted].” 

As a writer, myself, I’m sure it’s obvious why I might have grown bitter about this fic over the course of my time in this fandom. Unlike other fandoms I’ve been in, such as the Harry/Draco fandom, which upholds the classics that helped shape the fandom but still allows for new, fresh takes, the GaaLee fandom holds on to this singular fic as the Pinnacle Fic. According to this fandom, you will never come across a greater gaalee story–never mind that this fic is 13 years old, is ableist in its depiction of Gaara, actually does forget the plot partway through, not to mention the gross ‘sand rape’ scene, and of course doesn’t hold up 13 years later with canon specifically because of mischaracterizing at least Gaara (it’s been a while since I read it, so I’m sure I’m missing things). Never mind that we, as individuals and communities, should be able to look at something more critically and say “yes, this was good at the time, but now I see that it is not perfect. Yes, this helped shape a small and lacking fandom, but it does not have to be the be-all end-all.” 

The GaaLee fandom, as indicated by the shit I was fielding thanks to daring to call out homophobia in the fandom, does not like change. It has certainly changed, even grown I’d like to think. But the fandom itself is stagnant in many ways; it does not want to let go of its old ways which is easily seen by some of the GaaLee–oh, excuse me, LeeGaa blogs out there (it’s very important to remember exactly who is putting it up whose butt, because heaven forbid we treat these characters genuinely and not depict mlm couples with gross fetishistic tropes like seme and uke–i hope that the tone of “i’m rolling my eyes” comes through strongly here). 

Now, I haven’t read this fic in about 4 years, roughly. I put off reading it for a very long time while working on Alliance because I, like so many people in the fandom, held it up on a pedestal. I worried over comparing myself to the author, I worried over the potential to be influenced in a way, that Alliance would seem too much like [Redacted]. Then, in the midst of depression and wanting desperately to read a GaaLee fic, I re-read it. I hadn’t touched it in four years–at that time–and thought “what the hell”. So I read it. 

And I didn’t like it. The pros are good, I’ll give you that. But other than the pros, I wasn’t moved. In fact, I felt only relief. “My fic is nothing like this. I don’t agree with this author’s interpretation here and here–oh my god that’s rape what the fuck” and so on. Now, it has been a long time since my last read through, so I may be missing things about the fic, but ultimately it’s not really about whether or not I like the fic, it’s not about whether or not the fic is good. It’s old. It shouldn’t really matter anymore because we should all have matured enough to say “This fic was good, it did a lot of good for the fandom, but looking back I realise it’s not what I thought it was and has some gross elements which we will not allow to continue to propagate in our fandom.” 

But unfortunately, this fic is still relevant; unfortunately this fic still matters and still shapes this fandom in far too many ways. If the common theme of this fandom wasn’t “oh my god, have you read [Redacted]” “[Redacted] is the best fic and the only one I’ll read” then maybe I’d never say a peep about this fic. It would fall to the back of my mind, a fic I read and enjoyed once upon a time, when I was young and less rounded as a person. But unfortunately, the fandom does not take the stance that other fandoms take–it is not ‘a classic we appreciate for what it did for this fandom’, it is now a weapon used against new authors. I don’t think it’s necessarily intended to be, but it is. Who wants to write a fic for this pairing when all they hear is “I’ll never read anything but [Redacted]”? Who wants to write anything when they know people won’t give them a chance? Hell, who will read things when they’re told that the only thing worth reading is [Redacted]? When they’re told that everything else in this fandom is trash? And listen, I know there’s a lot of trash in this fandom–and I don’t mean writing skill, I mean actual trash. Writers who manipulate minors into a cult following while their writing features a relationship between a 16 and 25 year old; writers who write A/B/O; writers who write ‘soft stalking’; writers who turn Shukaku into “a voice in Gaara’s head”… The list is long and ugly. But that doesn’t mean write off every writer, that doesn’t mean refuse to move past a fic that’s 13 years old.

How are we supposed to overpower the gross, ugly content if we as a fandom community refuse to give new writers a chance? How can fandom grow and change and get better, if we hold on to something from 13 years ago? (Trust me, it shows that this fic was written thirteen years ago. It is Very Obvious.) 

Yet here we are, holding on to a 13 year old story. Who else do we know in this fandom who writes? Who else has that much acclaim? Who else writes good, quality stories and gets art and a goddamn TV Tropes entry and countless people raving about their work? Do you know what happens when I say I want to read a gaalee fic? I get a number of people asking if I’ve read [Redacted] as if I haven’t been here for 11 years. It was literally the first GaaLee fic my friends told me to read so that I’d understand why GaaLee was a good ship. I read it when I was all of 18 and so new to the fandom. I read it again when I was 21. And again when I was 24. I guess the third time was the charm. 

There is a post that floats around sometimes visible in the gaalee or leegaa tag that says “guess it’s time to go reread [Redacted]” or something to that effect with something like 350 notes. 350 notes. This tired comment from years ago that suggests there’s nothing worth reading in this fandom, that’s been put out there for writers and readers of fic to see. Listen, I won’t lie, it IS hard to find good fic content! It is, but it’s even harder when you don’t give people a fucking chance. 

Do you know what conversations I’ve had with people about fanfiction in this fandom? I literally had someone, point blank, say to me and the other writers on the GaaLee discord “I don’t read anything but […] [Redacted].” 

How disheartening. How unsupportive. How insulting. Saying that to people who you know are writers, who work hard and want support. That’s ugly. That’s not cute. That’s not community. 

There are fresh new takes on Gaara and Lee, and I know that for a fact because I have worked tirelessly to help create some of these fresh takes. I know my fucking worth as a writer, I know I’m good at what I do. I’ll always be learning and refining my writing, but I am a good fucking writer and it is a slap in the face to me and every other writer out there, who dedicates any amount of time to trying to produce good written content for this pairing. We don’t need the fic tags for this pairing to be filled with the trash mentioned above (pedophilia, rape, ableism, etc). We don’t need to be a fic desert. But if people only ever read one 13 year old fic, then that’s what we’re gonna keep having. 

I’m obviously not going anywhere. I’ve got plenty of GaaLee fics to write (something like 20+), regardless of the “I’ll only read [Redacted]” people in this fandom. But who’s to say if it’ll matter in this fandom? Who’s to say it’ll change how people feel about [Redacted]? Who’s to say if I can help make a trend of supporting fic authors other than [Redacted’s Author]? I mean, the person who made that post with 350 notes, far as I know, has never read my fic content. If someone is so desperate for content that they’ll re-read something from 13 years ago, then why aren’t they also checking the GaaLee tag on tumblr or Ao3 for new fics? Like people actively complain about the lack of fic in this fandom and then… do nothing about it. And I don’t mean they should write fics necessarily. Like yes, if you’re a writer and you want to see fic content in this fandom, I absolutely urge you to write! But first, we need more people who are willing to read fics. Who will go out of their comfort zone and just give us a chance. We need these people who are always complaining about the lack of fic content to do something about it, make other authors feel better about themselves, lift up other authors, share their works, comment like your life depends on it. That’s what we need. Because there are a handful of people out there who want to write and want to keep writing for this pairing. But without support…??? They disappear. They give up. They lose interest. 

There will probably be some people who feel like personally attacked because they’ve said these things and not supported other authors, but honestly, if you feel that way then please take that and prove me wrong. Be more proactive. Find a new GaaLee writer, find a story you haven’t given a chance. Prove that this fandom can change and grow; prove that fic writers have a place in this fandom. 

Because right now, fic writers don’t have a place.

Anyway, I’ve spent the last like hour going on and on about this, and I have things to do and I’m sure you didn’t want me to write something this long, Anon. Please, just blame my Aries Mercury ass for being a passionate talker lmao 

[raeseddon]

Well, I can't put it off anymore, I need a pain management doctor to keep using my opiate derivative medication. I've avoided it up to this point because in New Jersey, the ER can't give me anything for pain at all until they consult whichever doctor prescribes the meds, and it was (and still is, for other reasons) counter-intuitive to have a pain doctor, for how draconian the anti-opiate laws in NJ are.

The laws are designed to put people like me in jail, for not having any way to access the medication we need legally through doctors, while making the politicians who signed them look good by pushing non-drug pain management methods-- ignoring people like me who need a base level of pharmacological pain intervention to begin with.

I've been told several times by now that most doctors refuse to do any medicated pain management at all for how restrictive the NJ laws are. I not only can't get any Ativan from my neurologist for my worst migraine attacks but my GP is legally obligated to wean me off of the Tramadol, no matter how much I need it to function-- he'd be breaking the law if he didn't, essentially, punish me for needing something to deal with the pains that make it impossible for me to function otherwise.

A welcome side effect is that even if, deep down my aunt thinks some part of my chronic pain is "in my head" she's much more sympathetic towards the travails of getting the medications we both need, as her anti-depressant is also heavily, heavily regulated and most pharmacies here refuse to stock it.

The most frustrating aspect of it is that for the male pain management doctors I'm going to put calls into, I'll need dad to do the talking because women are universally treated like they lie/exaggerate these things for attention.

Having a diagnosis of anxiety and chronic pain makes it near impossible to find specifically pain management doctors who will take me seriously. They think it's just a big negative feedback loop of the pain feeding my anxiety, even though I've dealt with this for almost six years now and can think rationally through my Dysfunctional Flesh Prison trying to make my life misery. It doesn't matter how calmly and matter of factly I explain things-- I'm a woman. I already went through a year and a half of being told to lose weight (I'd love to, but it's a bit hard when you can't do high impact anything) and to "calm down."

Like, nerve pain is genuinely impossible for people who have never felt it to understand: I know what pain tastes like, sounds like, looks like because at its worst all sensory information was pain. Just pain. More than those "period simulators" all doctors should be given an ENG test so they have some idea what it's like to have two electrodes put on the tip of a few nerves and have a current run through them. It's the closest thing we have capable of even *beginning* to simulate nerve pain.

[fairycosmos]

most of the time i dont feel like a functional person. i have so many issues that all feed into my self hatred, i have issues at home, i have no one to really turn to... i fucking hate this. i feel like shit all the time. i hate what i see when i look in the mirror. i'm not good at anything. i'm a waste of space.

honestly i feel like you read my mind or smth bc this is exactly how i feel, too. and that's why i know that no matter what i say, you're still going to feel sad and it's shit and i'm sorry. i'm sorry that things are so crappy right now that you feel like you have nobody to turn to. there's a few things you can remind yourself of that sound like bullshit and maybe won't help immediately but it you let them sink in they might be able to help you calm down when it all gets too much -1. it's not going to be like this forever. i get that that doesn't change the way things are right now. but it can be kind of comforting to know that some of the best moments of your life haven't even happened yet. there's so much you haven't seen, so many amazing people you haven't met yet. so many reasons to just stick around. also if you're still in school, let me tell you that by the time you're like 24 it's all going to feel like you distant dream, none of it is going to matter. things change, and sometimes that can be a good thing. just hang on, let the future happen. you deserve to be happy. the bullshit is temporary.2. you're not alone. i know you feel alone. i get that. and maybe telling your family/friends about the way you're feeling isn't possible right now. if doing so will put you in danger or in a bad situation then obviously i can't recommend it. but those aren't your only options. if you're in school, don't hesitate to speak to the nurse/counselor. and if you're not in school, speak to your doctor and see what can be done for you. ik the idea might make you nervous but it's actually not scary at all, it's just chatting with someone. thats all it is. i can already feeling you rolling your eyes lmao and i understand that it's not ideal, but having someone to talk to can help a lot more than you might think. learning about yourself and your mind and about why you feel the way that you do is a good first step in moving past it. in addition to that, theres many independent mental health organizations that can give you the support you need, as well as hotlines you can call. i've called them before and they know exactly what they're doing. you're in complete control of the call and you can even remain anonymous if you want to. getting it all off your chest will help you breathe. don't disregard the idea until you've really tried it. mental health should be taken just as seriously as physical health. 3. all you have to do is take it day by day - you have an inherent worth simply because you exist on this planet. nobody can take that away from you, not even your own mind. and that doesn't change even if you're depressed or sad or down. take it all at your own pace, in your own time. this is your life and dealing with it day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute is all you're required to do. you don't have to have everything figured out. cut yourself some slack, you're still learning and growing and you will be for the rest of your life. you don't need to be okay all of the time.4. don't trust every thought you have - idk if you're diagnosed with any mental illnesses, but even having low self esteem can twist the way you see things (such as yourself, the world, other people) into something negative, into something it's not. your perception of everything is your window to the world, and when your mental state isn't doing so well it has a profound impact on your stream of consciousness, of how you see different situations. that's why you need to trust that not every thought you have is true, or means something, or holds any weight. learn to differentiate between yourself and your self hatred/anxiety. i know it's really fucking hard to ignore your own mind. maybe one of the hardest things in the world. but it's not impossible to know that not every thought and feeling is genuine. 5. nothing matters - this one is kind of stupid, but i do this when i'm feeling like everything is closing in on me. i remind myself that all of this is just a blip in the fuckin universe. we're on a rock in the endless vast vacuum of space and it's weird and cool and super super terrifying. there's billions of stars and galaxies and everything is so much more than just us, than humanity. my problems are tiny in the grand scheme of everything, and honestly nobody knows what they're doing or why we're even here. jupiter spins backwards and nobody knows why. the sun is going to swallow us eventually. donald trump is LITERALLY the president of america. nothing matters. anything can happen and we just randomly exist and we are all just trying to make sense of it, even tho we probably never will. obviously it's not good to think like this all of the time, but in really intense and stressful moments, it can be kind of soothing.6. the way you look doesn't mean shit - this definitely sounds like bullshit bc everywhere you turn people are going on and on about appearance and beauty and dieting and makeup. and it's taken me to long ass time to realize that it's all just a concept, that our outer appearance is a fleeting and short lived thing that doesn't hold much actual importance in the grand scheme of things. it's extremely objective and 'prettiness' means something different to everybody. look, you were raised in a society that literally profits off of people hating themselves. a society that pushes a self hating agenda just because it makes money. and it's true that when you're young people do focus on looks quite a lot, because thats the way they've been conditioned to think, and learning how to escape that mindset is a long but liberating battle. but as you get older and mature and learn , you start to look for a lot more than just a nice face or a toned body, and so does everyone else. because at the end of the day, looking good isn't the price you pay in order to exist on this earth. it's as simple as that. and when we're all 80 we're all going to be fkn gross anyway. so don't let the way you look stop you from doing shit. it really doesn't matter as much as your brain is trying to tell you it does. and sure you'll still have days where you feel insecure or uncomfortable in your own skin, but as long as you're making the concious effort to love yourself then you're doing just fine.7. you're going to be okay. good times don't last but bad times don't, either. it almost always returns to a happy medium. things turn out right a ridiculous amount of the time. you're going to be okay.sorry if this was dumb and unhelpful but i hope you're doing alright and i'm sorry it took me a few days to reply. you deserve so much more than what you've been through. please, please just keep going. just focus on getting through today. you can do that, i know you can. you're capable of so much more than you think you are. just stay alive. and PLEASE message me if you need a friend, i relate to you a lot. stay strong.

[setepenre-set]

Hey uh, I realize this is more of a "me" problem than a "you" problem, sorry about that, but I get a lot more from your writing than I get from these blue glow pics? Maybe because they lack context, I dunno. What I'm saying is I hope your writing muse comes back soon with a vengeance

Merciful universe, I hope so, too.

It’s not just you; I definitely get more from writing, also–the blue pictures are just because I want to continue contributing to the fandom while my writing isn’t working :/ 

For depression/medication related reasons, I think; one of the side effects of the meds I’m on is brain fog/difficulty concentrating, and I am definitely feeling it. Also, I’m back to daily hysterical crying bouts, anxiety attacks, and self-hatred, which, AAAAAAAAHHHHH DAMN IT. So I called the doctor again, and I’m going to taper off these meds and switch to a different kind. 

(been taking these long enough that they should be working right by now, if they were going to work right for me)

So I am really really hoping that getting off this medication will help with the focus and the brain fog. I hate not being able to think, and I despise not being able to write–I really enjoy writing and not being able to do it is upsetting.

…this turned into a really long complaint; didn’t it? D: A P O L O G I E S and ANYWAY, YES; DO NOT FEAR, Set’s writing muse should hopefully be returning soon! 

(honestly, I’m not sure my muse was ever really gone, cause, like, I’ve still got lots of ideas that I’m genuinely excited to write about, but then I pop open my laptop and my muse comes to stand by my shoulder with a wineglass full of grape juice for each other us, because we are CLASSY like that, and I put my fingers on the keyboard and then my stupid mushy brain goes plop out of my head and onto the keyboard like a lump of mashed potatoes, splattering everywhere and my muse and I are left to make disgusted faces like wtf are we supposed to do with this bullshit?)

…that was a very weird metaphor, wasn’t it. BUT YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN. FUCKIN’ MASHED POTATO BRAIN. NOT EVEN THE GOOD KIND OF MASHED POTATOES. I’VE GOT BOXED MASHED POTATO BRAIN. 

I just cannot be handing the boxed mashed potato brain. Nooooo thank you.

So! New meds on the horizon, after I taper off these. New meds and!! hopefully (please, universe; please) my real brain and my ability to write!!!! *throws glitter in air like confetti; rolls in it*

Thank you so much for the well wishes on the return of the Muse and the Good Brain! It was–really very nice to be reminded that my stories are important to you. 

(my depression likes to tell me that people don’t ‘really’ like me, that they don’t ‘really’ like my writing, that nothing I write will have any sort of ‘emotional impact’.)

(I’m usually mostly aware of the fact that this is irrational, but knowing it’s irrational doesn’t stop the brain gremlins from insisting otherwise.)

So yes! THANK YOU FOR THE WELL-WISHES, MY FRIEND! And thank you so very much for telling me again that my stories are important to you. Those things really mean a lot, my friend