#WELL. from this end of my body at least. it fucking shot a fart out of me like a damn bullet that shit HURT

[gender-euphowrya]

had the most fucked up sneeze of my life i think i need an hospital

[serendertothesquad]

Seren's Studies: Odd Squad UK -- "Agent Overhill's Last Day" Episode Followup, Part 1

The One That Got Away On Agent Overhill's Last Day.

Hey, it's a bit wordy, but they could fit it on the folder if they tried! Plus it rhymes!

Well, anyway. We're nearing the end, folks. Shame it only lasted for less than a month, but hopefully kids and parents alike will view episodes enough times to where it will get greenlit for a Season 2/Season 5. With more episodes. More better-written episodes. Please.

Let's get down below the break for another episode featuring a one-shot. Because in 12 episodes, we have enough room for a one-shotter episode.

Heeeeeeey, Athena's back!

...I mean look, so long as it isn't Omar or Tasha, I think we're good.

*slow blink in "memory loss not a thing in the oddverse?"*

AND FUCKIN' SPEAKIN' OF MEMORY LOSS.

"No, I don't want to cure dementia, or Alzheimer's! I want to make people remember how to ride bikes!"

It's like having a cure for cancer in the palm of your hands and using it for the most trivial shit imaginable. (And if you get that reference, brava to you.)

Well hey, at least he's on grassy terrain and has protective gear on. So, y'know...there's that.

Brain fart happening right now, but I could have sworn there was a gag just like this alrea- oh.

Now I remember, it was in "Who is Agent Otis?"

And funny enough, it was Oprah who needed help with the pickle jar AND SON OF A BITCH SOMEONE BROUGHT THAT SHIT UP IN THE WRITERS ROOM HUH.

(That aside, though, does...does the organization manufacture their own pickles? It's not Shmumbers or some UK-equivalent branding?)

Ahhhh Captain O, they could never make me hate you.

It's like she gave Orwell the jar knowing she went through strength training and that son of a gun can't open it!

See, it's funny because we already got "Villain X" in the form of Xavier and Xena. This guy is just proudly declaring he's a villain and doesn't work for Odd Squad.

Yeeeeeah, I dunno, guy...those just look like pictures of sunglasses.

On a side note, you guys think a villain could use Photoshop to say "I caused oddness" when they didn't do anything? If they were really that dumb enough, I bet they could. (I mean, if my dumb ass took a Photoshop class in high school and got a passing grade...)

Okay, that's...uh...an impressive display of lapels. Did she spend time in every department or are they like Sunny Starscout's G4 character pins and mean nothing?

See, where this franchise tends to fail to draw the line is distinguishing odd things from odd people.

Solving oddness is arguably easier than catching odd villains. They are mutually exclusive because it's symbiotic, but to a certain degree.

Orwell here seems to think that, since Overhill solved odd things, she can catch an odd villain. Perhaps not so, but I'll let status quo bring the gavel down on that.

"I wish I had your positivity."

He's supposed to be a stoic man. And you can have positivity with a stoic man, but this just makes me wonder how the season would change if Orwell were a sourpuss with a stoic voice.

Man, it's like this season just threw the entire fucking concept of departments out the fucking window, huh?

I mean, it's nice we're getting Orwell focus...but Ocean and Oona were paired together and they aren't partners because, if I remember correctly, Oprah never referred to them as partners.

Again, I will reiterate: when Oprah does this, it's impactful. It has bite, because she's a ball of anger in the body of a child.

When Captain O does this, it has no bite because she is not a ball of anger in the body of a child; she is a ball of sass in the body of a child.

Be reminded that this is the second time they have pried traits out of Oprah and plopped them into similar characters like it means anything. At least with Captain O, it fits more than Orpita...

AGEHA HIJIRI'S PRESENCE LIVES O- oh. No, wait, that was last year...

KOMUGI INUKAI'S PRESENCE LIVES ON!!!!

You don't send a dumb child to do a smart child's job, Captain O. That's just basic common sense.

(I would make a Cracker Barrel crack here, but I don't think they have those in the UK.)

Okay, to be fair, that's more threatening than sunglasses.

Big-ass mosquitos, though, would be a bigger threat.

YEEEEEEEAH BOMB THAT MASTER HILL MARTY MCFLY WILLIAMS. BOMB IT REAL GOOD, GO FAST, CATCH VILLAIN X!!!

No, no, honey, the bigger question is why you're wearing a robe with a hood on it. Here in America that's robber wear!

No...no, Seren, don't make the yuri joke...no don't...no...

...FFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK IT.

This joke would have been better if he made a joke about how his wife left him for something odd...y'know, like a bunny...

But alas, this is a PBS Kids show where Valentine's Day is 100% strictly platonic.

"...Orli, why are we here?"

"Our contracts say we have to have at least 30 seconds of screentime per episode."

"And we're spending it playing table football?"

"Look, you don't have a Boys and Girls Club here, so I have to make do!"

Charlie Change sounds more like the name of a money-based villain than that of a shapeshifting one.

But y'know...in 12 episodes, do you really want them to go into the financial logistics of this universe?

Okay, first of all, do either of you even fuckin' lift?

And second of all, you two need to be on both sides. And preferably have two more people helping you. TF do you think you're gonna accomplish if you're both on one side, bashing his head into the cement floor?

Ohhhhh and he's got vaporizing powers so he's speeeeeeechuuuuuuuuuuuuuu- yo me into the fucking ocean.

At least this lady's more properly dressed for the outdoors.

The way I fuckin' cackled at Orwell's "Oh, come on!" here.

Look, the man has a limp and uses a scooter as an assistive mobility device. You can't hate him.

Man, I do so love they're dropping all this stuff about this agent we've never heard of before and will never hear of again.

...Okay, the dollhouse furniture-making hobby is cute, I'll admit, BUT STILL-

Osgood, what the fuck did you think would happen? You're throwin' yourself into a volcano here!

woman doesn't get what villain x is saying

she's wearing a hoodie with hourglasses on it

Check yourself, honey.

(On to Part 2!)

[yamithediaperdork]

My son, the diaper perv (Naruto)

In anther universe, in anther time, Naruto didn't lose both of his parents, only his mother. the following story takes place in this universe, with Naruto at age sweet 16.

Minato was taking advantage of the warm sunny day in hidden leaf and his status as Hokage of the village to punish his little pervert of a son. Said punishment involved having Naruto currently dressed in 3 large diapers that were dark blue on the sides, and white in the middle with four light blue tapes to keep them snugly on the 16 year old toddler and causing him to waddle. Of course the diapers couldn't fully be seen at the moment as Naruto was wearing a onsie over them, though the sides of the diapers poked out at the crotch level and the crotch snaps were staining, clearly reaching their limits. the onsie was was colored orange, with a yellow fox on the front of it all chibi and grinning and there was a yellow paci clip with a yellow ribbon on his chest, with a orange paci currently in the 16 year olds mouth. he had on a pair of white socks and a pair of orange sneakers with the same yellow fox on the sides of them and his head band had been taken away since he wasn't a ninja of hidden leaf today, he was nothing more then a big toddler, with the understanding ANY amount of attuide and he could be a big baby, and more attuide after that...a baby girl. Minato lead his son, holding his hand tight and having a diaper bag over one shoulder as they made their way around the village, having decided to take Naruto out for a little bit of take out and of course choosing the furthest joint away from their place as possible. Oh course the sight of a 16 year old toddler would of gotten attention regardless, but with it being the son of the Hokage, and one of the strongest ninjas in the village (at least for his age group) it drew lots of attention and as word spread, more and more people found excuses to come out and watch the toddler be marched by. Naruto for his part was crimson in the face and looking down at the ground, even as small children giggled and pointed and worse, a few of his fellow ninjas laughed and called over to him. "NICE LOOK NARUTO!" Kiba called, cupping a hand to make his voice louder as the passed the pet store. "Awww, who's a cute widdle guy?" Sakura laughed, Sitting in Sasuke's lap as the new couple were by a fountain. "Geez, really? I knew you were a bed wetter." Sasuke said, smirking and kissing Naruto's crush while the toddler id his best to ignore them. "oh, Naruto, your still wetting the bed? you told me you were a big boy!" Minato said, stopping their walk and turning to smirk. "Then again, I know you were lying about being a big boy so I guess i can't be TOO shocked that your still wetting your bed huh?" The Hokage said and ruffled Naruto's hair. "be a good boy and wave hi to your friends little guy, they all think you look so cute!" he added. Case in point, Hinata was currently looking out from around a corner, peeking at the back of Naruto's puffy butt and ended up having a nose bleed and fainting. "H-Hiiii Everyone.." Naruto squeaked out, his paci hanging down and drool on his chin, as he made eye contract and gave a weak wave, and let out a humiliation and fear feared fart.

You might be asking yourself, what could of Naruto had done to cause his dad to punishment him like this? For that, we'll have to go back in time to the night before, around 11:30 pm.

For Minato it had been just anther Friday night, work had been a pain this week and he'd been enjoying a few strong ales and had been looking forward to just conking out on the couch, watching bad TV. For Naruto who had been trying to spike his dad's ale's so the old man could conk out faster, it was perv time. with his dad nodding off slowly on the couch, Naruto rushed off to his room and stripped down to his birthday suit and smirking as he opened his private chest. (his dad trying to be understanding, had told Naruto he could have a chest in his room that Minato would NEVER in anyways shape of form, try and find out what was inside, and just trusted Naruto not to hide booze or drugs in there.. if only he knew.) With his hairless crotch and less then stellar member on display, Naruto reached down making his semi bubble butt jiggle as he pulled out 5 of the same diapers he'd be wearing the next day, though of course at the time the little diaper perv couldn't of known that. setting them on his bed, he reached back in and pulled out a jar of little stinkers poopie pills, just one was suppose to be enough but for a diaper pooping humiliation junkie like Naruto, he took out five of them and his cute little dicklet was already twitching, before he'd even touched it or moved to put the pills in. experience and a stain on his carpet had taught Naruto how fast the pills could work, so he unfolded the diapers and got them ready to go. He was wasn't planning on a major piss feast tonight so he didn't bother with the slits in the front, though he did make some in the back of the diapers so he wouldn't have crap leaking down his thighs. with the diapers pre-powdered and set up so he'd just have to sit down and start taping, Naruto got on his knees over the diapers, and looking at his reflection in the full body mirror by his bed and grinned impishly. "Magic time~" he giggled. Flipping himself off in the mirror, Naruto then sucked on the offending digit then took the finger of the pill's, which were really a little bit too big to go in with ease, and shoved it in his cute little rosebud with the slick finger, moaning softly and his nipples getting stiff and his cock twitching and dribbling pre onto the diapers. "Your gonna be a big." he moaned softly to himself, getting the next pill and sliding it in with the same finger, loading himself up to load his huggies and fingering his boy cunt at the same time. "Stinky." he gasped and reached for the next pill, the flow of pre was almost like a weak steady stream of sticky piss coming out his his cock head, and it was taking all of the boys self control not to pump his dicklet with with finger and thumb, or to just add two more fingers to his back door fun. "DUMB." he gasped softly, getting pill number three in and he was worried he was gonna shoot before he could even diaper up, his desire to do these walks fueled by a week of edging and gooning to porn and hoping he'd last. "B-B-Baby!" he hissed, getting the last pill in and shutting his eyes, leaning forward and gripping the sheets of his bed and barely holding his boy milk in. His breath was coming in ragged gasps as he started to tape up the diapers, his hands shaking but he knew he had to hurry, already the pills were starting to take effect and the cramps were building. He'd toyed with using a butt plug and the poopie pills, but the thickness of his diapers and the size of his toy meant that he just ended up with massive cramps and stuck in a loop of trying to push the toy out only for it to slid back in when the diapers stopped it, and he'd been stuck in a loop of fucking himself in essence for 6 hours, thankfully in his room. while it had been a awesome experience, the massive case of the runs he'd had for the next two days hadn't been and he'd learned his lesson. Summoning a iron willpower, of sorts, Naruto got his big dumb baby diapers on and shaking, made his way downstairs where his Father was snoring softly on the couch. Sliding his sneakers on, and carefully opening the door, Naruto ventured out into the night, not realizing as the door closed it woke his father up. Minato for his part, got up and shut off the tv, a little bit shocked he'd conked out the way he had, but just figured it had been from the work load that week, and made his way out of the living room, figuring he might as well call it a night. He noticed that the front door was unlocked though so made sure to lock it, and the back door before making his way up the steps towards his room.

The night air was nice, not to warm and not to cold and the bugs weren't out in force as Naruto crinkled and waddled, his tummy cramping big time. he was keeping to the bushes and trees when possible even though no one was really out this time of night. Still almost no one didn't mean no one at all and a young couple were out for a midnight stroll as Naruto was crouching behind a bush, willing them to go away as he was at his breaking point. "That star looks beautiful tonight don't they?" The young lady said, smiling and holding her man's hand. "Not as beautiful as you my sweet. just smell that sweet spring air tonight and-" The man was cut off as a loud rumbling wet fart blasted out of Naruto's behind, and was followed with a sick rotten smell. "UGH! Really Kenta? I told you to take it easy on the ramen!" the woman groaned, pinching her nose. "That wasn't ME! I was gonna ask if you were ok!" Anther blast of ass gas filled the air, a sloppy fart and the back of Naruto's diaper was rapidly filling up as the little imp got on his hands and knees and bit his touge to keep from grunting out loud, his dicklet leaking as his asshole twitched and let out wave after wave of semi solid filth into the seat of his diaper, punishing his prostate as it shot out. "oh, real mature! Blame me for this as you shit your pants!" "I'm telling you it's not fucking me!" the couple argued and took off in different directions as Naruto raised his ass in the air, his eyes rolling up in the back of his head and his touage hanging out of his mouth as the diapered perv came HARD, still shitting himself and making his diapers bloat out and discolor.

After cumming a few more times as he finished destroying his huggies, Naruto barely had the power to drag himself home, a combination of the multiple orgasms that had racked his body and well, the massive poopie he'd taken. with the back of his diapers almost down to his knee caps, and having to tug them up, and still have the top of his dirty butt crack showing every few steps, Naruto was relived as he made it to his house and went to open the front door. And it was locked. "Nooo..no no no.." he said, feeling a pang of fear, and tried the door again. "no no no no no." as the fear filled his, Naruto's dicklet added to the semi solid filth, wetting himself as the butterflies built up in his tummy. "ok..ok..Relax..there's always the back door. Dad NEVER checks the back door." he said softly to himself, waddling slowly and making the disgusting mass in his loaded diaper swing back and forth as he waddled around the outside of the house. Somehow despite how much he had hoped his words would prove to be true, a part of Naruto wasn't shocked when he tried the back door and it too was locked. "I..I'm trapped outside..In my poopie diapers." the perv whimpered, his bottom lip quivering. Sure, it had been fun to THINK about something like this while gooning, but the harsh reality of the situation wasn't nearly as fun, though his dicklet was trying to get hard despite the buckets he had already cum. There was NO way he could just stay outside for the night, already he was started to get itchy and his buns were burning a little. Add in his diaper's were at their limit now and he was gonna leak before long and Naruto knew he only had ONE choice to make. He was gonna have to ring the front door bell and hope that daddy could wake up and let him in. Shaking and trembling Naruto made his way BACK round the house, and pushed the doorbell, mind spinning for a excuse, any excuse he could think of.

Minato had been in the middle of a hot dream, where he had a couple of the cutest ninja's under his command on their knees begging for his dick (Both male and female, he was of the opinion a hole was a hole) when the door bell sounded and he groaned. "Naruto!" he called out, banging on the wall that separated their rooms. "go answer the door!" he tried to slid back into his sleep when the doorbell sounded again, and then again, and then fucking again and Minato banged on the wall again. "NARUTO! Go get the door!" he growled. when the doorbell sounded anther two times the Hokage gave up and slid out of bed, tugging a robe on over his boxers and mumbling about how he was gonna give his son a earful after seeing who was at the door, he made his way downstairs. "Never mind! I'll get it!" he called over his shoulder and then went to the front door, opening it without bothering to see who it was. (it wasn't exactly like as the fourth Hokage, he was too worried about a random burglar or the like.) Standing in front of him, smelling like a sewer and explaining why the door hadn't been answered, was his son. "Uh..Hiii Daddy." Naruto said sheepishly, and waved a hand. "...You've got 30 seconds to explain."

Finding out about Naruto's little perversions, Minato had been both mad, disgusted, and amused by it, and once he had Naruto go and take a long shower, he met his son in his bedroom. He had forced open Naruto's private chest, as clearly the boy had lost the right to any privacy if he was going to do things like THIS, and had some of Naruto's diapers out on the bed, the boys chastity cage, and a wooden spoon from the kitchen. "I..I don't suppose we could just um..forget all about this?" Naruto tried, wrapped up in a towel and chewing softly on the corner of it while he looked at his dad. "I think we're past that stage. For the record, if you had just told me you wanted to be a poopie baby, I would of let you do it in the house, safe and sound.I wouldn't of been a fan of the smell mind you, but would of been better then you going out at night." Minato said. "But Daddy! Part of all of it is the thrill of maybe being caught!" Naruto whined. "Well, you've been caught. still thrilling?" Minato asked, smirking and raising a eyebrow "..when you put it like that.." Naruto grumbled. "Since you wanna be a little diaper perv and waddle around showing your huggies off, you're going to get a WEEK of that, because you're going to be in diapers 24/7 and your getting pulled from any missions while your punishment is going on. you're gonna be treated like a little BABY around the house, and a TODDLER while we're out in public." Minato said. Naruto's jaw dropped as his eyes went wide as saucers. "A-Are you freaking KIDDING me?!? I can't go out in public in diapers!" Naruto yelped. "..what would you call what you were doing before I answered the door?" His dad asked. "I..but..that..It.." Naruto stammered. "Compelling argument. now get your butt over my lap for your spanking, and then daddy will be getting his BIG BABY ready for bed. and before you even think of it, Ripping off your diapers is going to earn you a extra TWO weeks in your diapers, and you'll be sleeping in my room with me till we can get BABY Naruto a crib." Minato said, smirking. Naruto whimpered and whined, but all the begging in the world wasn't going to change the Hokage's mind at this point. Accepting his fate, the 16 year old powerhouse slowly made his way over to his father, dropping the towel and showing that despite his protests, at least PART of him loved this. "and this." Minato said, smirking and pointing. "is why your little nub is getting locked up. I doubt you'll be enjoying yourself as much when you can't squirt." "DADDY!" the red faced Ninja whimpered loudly, but got over his fathers lap. "who knows, Maybe Friday's can be your big dumb baby night even after your punishment is over." Minato teased and Naruto grabbed a pillow and buried his face in it.

Ten swat's later that had Naruto bawling as if he'd been beaten, and his little nub was locked up safe and sound and he'd been double diapered. the boy had been exhausted and drained, in all the ways possible and it hadn't taken long once he was in bed with daddy for him to drift off.

Coming back to the present, while Daddy and son where heading for the ramen shop Minato had a few of his elites buying and setting up what was needed to turn Naruto's big boy room back into a nursery, and of course getting lots and lots of diapers for the little baby. The crowd was chuckling and some where returning the waves, though as a gentle wind blew and sent the smell of his gassy baby to them they backed away. "yeah, sorry about that everyone. my little guy is toxic. there's a reason we're out for a walk, I needed to air the house out after somebody woke daddy up with a morning surprise." Minato said, grinning ear to ear as Naruto whined and pouted. "Dadddddy! Dun tel dem that!" the oversized toddler huffed, slipping back into baby talk with a natural ease. Sakura and Sasuke were laughing hard now, though it was Sasuke who spoke up. "oh, you don't have to tell US about that.. We've had to start sneaking him special herbs while on missions to cut the smell down just so we can survive the night." Sasuke said. "Add in we knew about the pull ups 'widdle' Naruto had t wear to bed.." Sakura chimed in then added. "Did you ever wonder WHY I went with Sasuke over you little guy? Don't get me wrong, you're adorable! But I look at you more as a little boy trying to act all tough, while..well.." and she planted a smooch on Sasuke's cheek. Naruto whimpered big time and popped his paci back into his mouth, tears welling up in his eyes and Minato frowned a little. "Hey, don't be too mean to him, he's still my son, even if he's a over sized toddler." he said, a slight edge to his tone and the happy couple gulped and excused themselves. The kept walking and Naruto was rubbing at his eyes with his free hand, sniffling a little and Minato sighed and stopped them again. "I'm sorry Naruto. that must of been hard to see and hear. but it does free you up to just focus on being a cute little guy right?" Minato said and asked, getting on one knee in front of his son who sniffled again and nodded. "..How about daddy carries you the rest of the way and you can just hide your cute little face in his shoulder?" letting the paci all from his mouth Naruto gave a small smile. "I'd wike dat." the little guy in a big boys body said. Minato smirked and picked his son up, letting Naruto hug his neck and wrap his legs around him and then got a arm under the boys puffy bottom, and a hand on the boys back. "Just give daddy a warning before you poot, so he can move his arm, he doesn't want it melted off." Minato teased, making the big toddler giggle. "no pwomises!" Naruto lisped around his paci and nuzzled into daddy.

Getting to the ramen shop, they of course got all eyes looking on them, but by this point Minato was used to it. Naruto squirmed a little though as one little boy pointed and loudly asked his mom a question. "mommy, why's that big boy wearing diapies?" "er..well.." she started. "Naruto might LOOK like a big boy, but he's just a widdle guy." Minato said and gently set Naruto down. The ramen shop was big and popular enough to have a little area for younger kids to play in and with a pat on Naruto's bottom, Minato pointed to the arrangement of soft toys and actions. "Go play while daddy gets us lunch." He said chuckling. "oh! Mommy! can I go play with the little big boy?" the kid from before begged, holding his hands together. "er..well..we were about to leave and-" "Pleasssssse!" the little brunette whined. "Let the boys pay and I'll cover you tab." Minato offered the lady. "well I guess." his mother sighed.

Naruto was blushing lots as he plopped down on his crinkly butt, but the boy, couldn't of been more then 4 or 5 just smiled. "Hi! I'm Akio! what's your name?" He asked, holding out a hand for Naruto to shake. "I-I'm Naruto. N-nice to meet you." The big toddler said, taking the hand and shaking it. while Naruto was in his onsie and sneakers, Akio was dressed in jean shorts and a blue top, looking like SUCH a big kid in the little guy's eyes. "Same here! I've never seen a big boy like you in diapies before, though I've seen some little guys in a outfit like your's at my daycare." the boy said, clearly not trying to insult Naruto but just being bluntly honest like small children was known to be. "O-Oh yeah..it's uh..I like it." Naruto said. "uh-huh! Ninja fox is really all the craze right now at the daycare. I'm more into Ninja buddies myself, but hey, to each their own. did you wanna play action figures with me, or you more wanna play with the stuffies?" Akio asked. "I..I um.." naruto fidgeted and squirmed. "Oh, Should I ask your daddy first? like..are you not allowed to play with action figures?I know some little guys just put everything they can in their mouths." Akio said, smiling and nodding. "N-no I don't chew on stuff!" Naruto weakly protested. "ok, just if you chew on any of the action figures, your daddy will hafa buy them. it's a bigggg rule here." Akio said. Truthfully some of the stuffies looked SUPER tempting, but Naruto didn't wanna make himself look like even more of a baby and scooted on his butt, getting chuckles from those watching the interaction towards the action figures. "So, who do you wanna be? they got a bunch of Ninja buddies here." Akio said, willing to let the 'smaller' boy pick first, just like his mommy had taught him. truthfully Naruto hadn't ever watch the show, and looked around the choices, biting his lip. "Ummm er..I dunno..who do you think is cool?" Naruto asked, trying to cover it up. The little guy picked up that Naruto was clueless and giggled a little. 'guess I shoulda figured, he's all about ninja fox.' Akio thought. "Actually you know what? action figures are totally over rated, why don't we play with the stuffies?" he asked/suggested and patted Naruto head. "You'll have to tell me all about who the coolest though with this Ninja fox stuff. I haven't watched it." he added, trying to humor the big baby. Naruto whined a little, but a big grin came across his face. naturally he'd spent A LOT of time watching the show meant for little kids and began to babble away.

Watching from the counter and chatting off and on with the boys mother, who turned out to be named Yui. "So are you really ready to deal with the horrors of changing diapers again? I couldn't get my little Akio potty trained fast enough." she chuckled, watching the boys roar and having a tiger and fox stuffie mash into each other. "I'll admit, it's not going to be a highlight of this, but well.." Minato started, having given a cover story that Naruto wanted to be a little guy again, not that he'd been busted as a diaper pooping pervert, something that would of ended the play date very fast he was sure. "this is what he wants, and who am I to get in the little guys way?" he finished finally. "I guess." Yui said and chuckled. "they DO look cute playing together. we might have to arrange a play date sometime for the two of them." Minato chuckled and nodded, and was going to say something when he noticed the look on Naruto's face as the little guy froze, on his knees, it was the same face his son had made when he'd been a little guy the first time around, and it always happened right before making 'presents for daddy. "if your really sensitive to smelly things, I'd recommend taking a deep breath now." he said to Yui.

Naruto had almost forgotten about the bulky diapers around his hips as he just relaxed and let himself play, totally thinking of the younger boy as a big kid now and gushing over how cool he was as they had Ninja Fox and samurai Tiger bash against each other. it wasn't till his tummy gurgled while he was on his knees that Naruto crashed back down to earth, recalling he was in diapers, and more to the point: his breakfast wanted to make a exit. A muffled toot escaped his behind before he could start to warn Akio but the other boy just giggled. "hehehe uh-oh, Ninja fox is using a gas attack!" the little guy giggled, then paused as he noted the look on Naruto's face. "er..are you oka-" he started to ask. Started to because the 16 year old hunched over and with a gross fart started to fill the seat of his diapers with next to no control. As his waste poured out of him, more solid then the night before at least, the back of the diapers crackled and ballooned out. the onsie which had been fighting to do it's job waved the proverbial white flag and the buttons popped open, his diapies on full display as he filled them rapidly. "G-Going poopie!" Naruto cried out, a hot jet of pee starting to soak the back of the diaper as the logs kept coming. "er..yeah..I got that.." Akio said, rubbing the back of his head, dropping samurai Tiger and holding his nose. "whew! that's worse then chilli day at the daycare!" "I..I sowwy.." Naruto whimpered, grunting and pushing, tears coming back to his eyes. "H-hey! it's ok! poop happens!" Akio said quickly, dropping to one Knee and popping Naruto's paci in his mouth and giving a reassuring smile, even as he still held his nose. "er Mister, I think your son-" Akio called, looking over to the adults, But Minato was already on his way. "i noticed. thank you for looking after little Naruto for me, but I'll take it from here." Minato said and flipped a coin to the boy who giggled and nodded. "Akio I think it's time we left." Yui called and Akio whined, but nodded. "ooook. Bye Naruto! it was fun playing with you! I go to Lil masters daycare if you wanna play again!" he said and waved bye bye. Naruto nodded and suckled, and waved bye bye as his new (and with this new status as a big baby/toddler) only friend left.

If it hadn't of been for the fact Minato was the Hokage, he was sure they would of been flat out asked to leave, but being the head of the village had it's perks and instead the owner merely asked Minato to change the big baby outside. "I uh..the smell is gonna make people think something gone off in here.." the owner and chef said, rubbing the back of his head. "Fair enough, just get our order ready to go then, I think somebody is gonna want a nap soon." Minato said, Patting Naruto's smelly rear as the big toddler whined and blushed. the site of the 16 year old getting changed on the ground, though he had a changing mat under his butt drew attention from people in the streets, though not too many moved in too close due to the stench coming off the diaper perv. "D-Daddy too many people ar-" Naruto started to whine, but then got a paci popped in his mouth and given a look that told him to keep it in or else. "Dear god, what are you feeding him!?!" One little girl cried, having gotten close because she wanted to watch. but once the diaper was opened up and the smell got even worse she had run back to her mommy, burying her face in her mothers side. "It's all the junk food he eats. this ramen is gonna be a last treat for him, after this it's baby food for widdle Naruto." Minato said and chuckled, getting laughs from the crowd and Naruto covered his face. Despite how mortified Naruto was though, his cute little dicklet was poking strait up, this was again something from a wank fantasy and he was clearly torn between hating all of this and thanking his dad around the paci. "Naruto do you have NO shame!? Getting a stiffie while your dad cleans your stinky ass?" Ino called from the crowd, laughing and shaking her head. "he really doesn't. so don't be shocked if he has a 'accident' while I'm cleaning him." the Hokage chuckled. despite the stink and the disgusting site, Minato was quickly realizing his son might not be the only pervert in the family as he slowly and carefully cleaned his little man up. "If you have any number three accidents little man, you will be getting a extra MONTH in diapers." He said softly to his son, and smirked at the mixed look of terror and lust in the boys eyes as he finished wiping the stinky brat down. Balling the diapers up and using the tapes to keep them closed, he made Naruto hold the poopie diaper on his chest while he got out the new diapers. "I know buddy, that can't smell all that great, but your being such a good widdle helper!" Minato said out loud and the crowd laughed again, and to Naruto's total shame THAT was what doomed him to anther month in diapers, as a big dumb toddler, his dicklet twitching and throbbing and with no stimulation firing off a weak watery load with him barely getting any pleasure from it.

Naruto was basically out of it, barely able to recall most of the trip back home. the utter shame and KNOWING he'd doomed himself to extra time in diapers had fried his widde brain. Getting back home Daddy apparently decided that it would be better if he just out the brain fried BABY to bed, and promised that his son's ramen wouldn't go to waste. Naruto just gurgled and nodded and went night night in daddies room, sucking on a ba-ba of apple juice and thinking about what a total pervert loser he was and giggling even as his eyes closed, and soaked his diapie before going sleepie, both with pee pee and making sure it would be 2 extra months in toddler hood.

the end

[kaalamarii]

Devilish Lies (Asmo)

ObeyMax, Asmodeus

Slight Asmo/MC

Warnings: None really, just a basic fluffy piece. Though there is a fart joke in there because I’m basically 12. MC isn’t in this one much. I struggle writing some of the brothers still, and I seriously do not know how to write endings to save my life. I just feel like Asmo is this super extra diva and I love it.

Masterlist The scream could be heard throughout the entire house, high pitched, blood curdling. All six of the brothers were woken from their sleep and frantically ran out of their rooms to see what had happened. Lucifer was up front, using all of his strength to smash through the locked door. The door flew open, hanging on by only one hinge. Stomping out of the bathroom with a scarf around his face was Asmo.

“What’s going on?” Lucifer demanded.

“Oh good,” Asmo said breathlessly, “you all came. Please sit down, I have some very, very bad news.”

Lucifer looked back at his other brothers, then back at Asmo in confusion. Sleepily, they all shuffled in. 

Asmo sighed dramatically, his hand coming up to his face. “I know you are all used to seeing me at my very best. And I do everything I can to keep that up. I’m a good demon, and I want to do right by everyone and make sure I’m always at top tier beauty. Which, I mean, it’s impossible for me not to be beautiful, of course.”

“Does this have a point, Asmo?” Satan asked with a yawn.

“It might come as a shock to you all, but even I, Avatar of Lust, have to deal with the occasional blemish. A pimple here, a blackhead there. But this...THIS…” Asmo tore off the scarf, turning toward his brothers for them to see a quarter sized knot and bruised skin around it on his forehead. “This is a TRAGEDY! My beautiful skin, ruined by this thing!”

The brothers all stared at Asmo in disbelief.

“It’s not even that bad,” Levi said.

“Yeah,” Mammon agreed, “I’ve gotten way worse bumps than that.”

“But you’re not as beautiful as me! Ugh, I knew you all wouldn’t understand.”

Lucifer sighed. “Asmo, what happened?”

“I’m glad you asked...it all started last night…”

The brothers groaned as they all gathered on Asmo’s bed, sitting and laying down, overlapped, trying not to fall asleep as they listened to the fifth brother speak.

“Last night, MC and I were in here-” This piqued everyone’s attention. “-doing each other’s nails.”

Another group groan session. Asmo didn’t seem to notice as he paced back and forward. “We had had a total spa night...doing each other’s hair, some face masks. I even gave the human a massage.”

Interest piqued yet again. 

“What? You gave MC a message?” Mammon asked, angrily. “What have I told you? No touchy the human!”

Asmo waved his hand in the air, brushing off his older brother’s concerns. “So the human must have really liked the massage, because next thing you know, I smell it…”

“You smelt it, you dealt it,” Levi sleepily joked, a chorus of snickers from the rest of the group following.

“Ew! Levi! I didn’t smell flatulence. I smelled...arousal.”

“HEY!” Mammon cried, fully awake now.

“Um, Asmo?” Levi said, shifting uncomfortably, “where is this going?”

Beel, as always, added, “I’m so hungry…”

“Alright, quit interrupting me,” Asmo demanded, before continuing on. “So naturally, I respond to it. I start massaging MC’s thighs, and get them moaning. And I, very tenderly and romantically, pull MC up to face me. They stare into my beautiful eyes.”

“Ugh, this is way too much information,” Satan said with a head shake.

“Shush,” Asmo replies. “Then, I say, ‘MC, you’re beautiful; I’m beautiful.’ And I put my hand on their cheek. Their eyes close and they take a breath. I tell them, ‘MC, we need to take this slow.’ And they tell me they know, but they don’t want to.”

“What the fuck?” Mammon muttered.

“Yeah, I don’t believe this really happened,” Belphie said, half asleep and leaning on Beel’s shoulder.

“I agree,” Beel said, “Asmo, you’ve never taken anything slow with anyone.”

“All of you shut up. So they lean forward and we kiss. And the two of us are kissing, hands are roaming around, and they get up and lead me to the bed. They push me down and crawl on top of me, and get a little too excited. And they accidentally head butt me. Right in my precious forehead!”

Asmo made a loud sobbing sound, made more obnoxious by the fact that he doesn’t have any tears. 

“Asmodeus, knock this off,” Lucifer growled, crossing his arms. “It’s early in the morning and we all came running in here because we thought you were hurt. And now you’re telling lies about the exchange student.”

“It’s not a lie. MC really did bump my head.”

“I’m going to say this to all of you...Keep your hands, mouths, and any other body parts off of the exchange student.”

“‘Because I want them for myself!’” Mammon mockingly said.

“What was that?”

“Uh...nothing.”

“That’s what I thought. The reason for this rule being that it will make everyone in the house feel uncomfortable. Also, it could cause a lot of issues with Diavolo’s exchange program. On top of that, MC needs to be able to trust us, the last thing they need is all of you flirting with them.”

The brothers all muttered curses and rants under their breaths. 

Lucifer turned back to Asmo. “If you’re quite done, Asmo…”

Asmo nodded, and Lucifer shooed his brothers along, out of Asmo’s room.

Later as they all sat down for breakfast, MC noticed that the demons were acting weird. Well, weirder than normal. They were all super quiet, awkwardly looking at each other and at MC. 

Satan was the one who broke the silence. “At least you didn’t get a big knot on your head too, MC.”

MC cocked their head in confusion. “Why would I have gotten a knot?”

Asmo grinned, taking a bite of some fruit. “I told them about last night.”

“Yeah, MC,” Mammon complained, “Why were you in Asmo’s room? Why hang out with him when you could spend time with The Great Mammon?!”

“So? We had a spa night?”

Belphie smirked. “But that’s not all that happened, is it?”

MC chuckled. “Are you talking about Asmo slipping in the bathroom and hitting his head on the sink?”

All the brothers looked at Asmo, who chuckled. “MC, you don’t have to hide it. I told them what we did last night.”

“Yeah,” Levi said with a giggle, not bothering to look up from his handheld game. “We know you guys kissed.”

“Oh, so you’re telling lies,” MC said, rolling their eyes.

Mammon scoffed. “Ha. I knew it was a lie!”

“No! We did kiss!” Asmo cried. 

Lucifer cleared his throat. “MC, please tell us what really happened so we can move on from this.”

“Okay...we were doing our spa night, and Asmo got up to get something from his bathroom. And he slipped and bashed his head on the sink, hence the big ass bruise on his head. Though, I will say it’s a lot darker today than it was last night.”

Asmo glared at the human, putting a hand over the bruise.

MC continued, “I was holding some ice to his head to help the swelling-”

“Didn’t work,” Belphie murmured, making the others laugh. Asmo shot angry glances at all of them.

“Anyway, as I was holding the ice to his head, Asmo kissed me.”

Lucifer looked at Asmo, who shrunk in his seat.

MC nudged him with their elbow. “I did kiss him back though.”

This comment earned various “ew”s and “gross” responses from the brothers, but a smile from Asmo.

“Of course you did. Who wouldn’t want to kiss me?!”

[invaderdoom78]

New Moon Night part 2

“So what’s with all of the guns on the wall in the basement?” Bella asked as they sat down to eat the pizza Peter had ordered for them

“Oh, uh, I hunt vampires”

“Really?” Bella asked

“For a few years now. It’s actually how I met Aro”

“So” Bella started taking a bite of her pizza “is it hard killing vampires?”

“It varies from vampire to vampire,” Peter said “but if I get them in the heart right away with my steak gun that normally takes them out”

“Really?” Bella asked raising an eyebrow “Edward told me that vampires can only be killed by dismemberment and setting their bodies on fire”

“That’s true for some of them but if you use something that’s got witch's magic on it then it’ll kill them regardless of their, I guess, species. I could teach you how to shoot a gun if you want”

“...Yes,” Bella said, well aware that Victoria was still a potential threat to her life “uh, where should we go shoot?”

“There’s a spot out in the desert,” Peter said

“Is that legal?” Bella asked

“No idea,” Peter said taking a drink from his soda “but I’m not the only one who uses the spot”

“Ok,” Bella said ignoring the image of Edward that appeared, telling her not to do it

“You wanna pick out the gun?”

“Sure!”

With their lunch finished the two made their way back down to the basement so Bella could pick out her gun. Now Peter didn’t have the most impressive collection of firearms, a couple of shotguns, a revolver, his steak gun, and a wrangler and because of the small selection he was fully expecting Bella to choose the shotgun, especially since it was the best choice when dealing with vampires, but that wasn’t what she picked.

“Where are you two going?” Aro asked eyeing Peter as he put his shotgun and the wrangler Bella had picked out into their carrying cases

“Out to the desert to shoot some guns,” Peter said

“Did you put on sunscreen?” Aro asked already knowing the answer

“No” Peter scoffed

“Do you remember what happened last time?”

Peter did, he’d taken the twins out to shoot as well and when they got back home almost his entire face was burnt and the twins kept insisting on poking at it until it started peeling.

“It’ll be fine”

“No,” Aro said firmly

“...Fine” Peter gave in after a brief staredown with the vampire, walking over to an end table grabbing two bottles of sunscreen out of the drawer “here Bella” he handed her the smaller one

“Thanks”

Walking over to the hall mirror Bella stood in front of it as she put on the sunscreen, watching as Aro tried to help Peter put the sunscreen on his face while the hunter insisted that he could do it himself.

“There,” Peter asked once Aro was done “you happy now?”

“Very,” Aro said smiling

Turning around Bella held out the bottle of sunscreen she’d been holding and was about to set it onto the coffee table, but Aro stopped her.

“Hold on a minute, dear,” Aro said reaching out to wipe in the small amount of sunscreen she’d missed on her cheek, rubbing it in the rest of the way with a gentleness that she never expected from someone like him

Once they reached the spot in the desert Peter realized that he didn’t have any protective wear for Bella to use, so they had to improvise with a pair of Aro’s big sunglasses to protect her eyes as the vampire covered her ears with his hands and just like he did with Jane, Peter showed the young woman how to hold the Wrangler and where to position her feet before she shot at the five soda cans he’d set up; managing to nick all of them on the side.

“You’re a very good shot, dear,” Aro said resting his hand on her shoulders as Peter took the rest of them out with his shotgun

“My dad used to teach me how to shoot his gun a long time ago, but my mom found out and told him to stop”

“Did he teach you anything else?” Aro asked

“You mean like self-defense?” Bella asked setting down her gun “not really”

“Then allow me to show you,” Aro said

The vampire showed her the basics of self-defense poses, having talked Peter into being the practice dummy.

“Good” Aro praised as Bella delivered an elbow strike to Peters jaw, having enough self-control to stop herself from actually hitting her new uncle

Despite how quickly Bella was picking up on the techniques, it was quickly becoming apparent that training out in the middle of the desert probably wasn’t the best idea as it didn’t take much longer after that for Peter and Bella to become coated in sweat, so much so that it had almost completely soaked through their clothing. It was at this point that Peter decided that they should go home and get changed into something that wasn’t going to stick to their skin, both Peter and Bella hopping into the shower when they got home. Stepping out of the bathroom Peter dried his hair off with a towel as Aro sat on the edge of the bed running a brush through his long hair.

“It seems like Bella has settled in rather well,” Aro said

“Yeah,” Peter said tossing the towel at the hamper by his closet door

“I, overheard the conversation you and Bella had earlier,” Aro said as Peter crawled onto their bed

“I figured you did,” Peter said crawling up behind Aro, peppering the vampire's shoulder and the side of his neck with kisses

“We have laws that have been put into place solely to keep the existence of our kind a secret and it clearly states that vampires are not supposed to let themselves be known to humans”

“So should I be worried?

“If you hadn’t befriended Elizabeth then yes. Being what she is, the people that are associated with her and her family have immunity to our laws. Lest we risk facing a half-demon's wrath”

“Is Bella in danger then?” Peter asked resting his chin on the vampire's shoulder

“That depends,” Aro said taking hold of Peters wrists wrapping his human's arms around his waist leaning back into the embrace

“On what?”

“Whether or not the Cullens have any enemies”

“What about your lot?”

“Well if one of my guards discovers her she will be brought back to Volterra for a trial to determine whether or not she will be turned or executed” he felt Peter tense up behind him “don’t worry darling if it ever does come to that I will make sure that her life is spared and that she has a home in the castle”

“It's a good thing she wants to be turned then”  

“You know, you really are so much more caring than you want people to believe” Aro hummed “it's rather sweet actually; you treating Jane and Alec as if they were your own, helping Amy through getting the polluted blood out of her, reassuring your friend Charley that she would be safe. It’s a good thing I was able to snatch you up when I did”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, darling” Aro said nuzzling Peters cheek “just thinking”

Aro untangled himself from Peter's arms and got off the bed.

“Where’re you going?” Peter asked reaching out for the vampire

“The day is still young,” Aro said softly, placing a kiss on Peter's forehead knowing what he wanted

Flopping back onto the bed Peter watched Aro walk out of the room. Groaning Peter forced himself to get off the bed and get dressed before going out to the living room where he saw Bella and Aro sitting on the couch together, the vampire brushing her semi-dry hair. Sitting in front of them was the chest he kept all of his movies in, Bella looking through his collection.

“You have any preferences?” Peter asked taking a seat on the couch with them

“I like Stephen King stuff”

“I have Stephen King, but Lizzy has The Shining and all the IT movies so I’d need to get them from her” Peter said pulling out his phone so he could ask her for the movies

“Oh” Bella started but was interrupted by the front door opening and Lizzy stepping through, holding the DVDs “you don…”

“Here,” Lizzy said tossing the cases to Peter 

“Thanks, bitch” Peter said, catching them noticing how Lizzy and Bella were kinda staring at each other “that’s Bella. Bella this is Lizzy”

“Hi,” Bella said

“What’re the kids doing tomorrow?” Peter asked

“I think they’re all off,” Lizzy said, still looking at Bella like she was trying to piece some things together “why?”

“I’m trying to help Bella find a hobby”

“Cool,” Lizzy said giving Aro a two-finger salute before she left

“I’ll leave you to it then,” Aro said standing up

“Oh come on,” Peter said, grabbing the vampire's sleeve “at least watch The Shining or Misery with us. I’m sure you’ll like them”

“Alright” Aro sighed

“I’ll make some popcorn then,” Peter said standing up walking back to the kitchen, waiting for the popcorn to pop when Lizzy texted him

                                           Demon Bitch (Lizzy)

So has Bella shown any interest in vampires?

                                                        Yeah she said she wants to be turned

                                              And Aro told me he cant see her thoughts

That makes sense. 

One of her great grandparents was either a vampire themselves or one of their parents was a vampire so that’s why she can use her mental ability as a human and why she’s so keen on being turned. The vampire part of her DNA is calling out because of how close she’s become to, who I’m assuming are the Cullens as they’re the only coven I’m aware of that live up in that area of the US. It’ll probably also make the transition and blood lust easier.

                                                                    You gotta be fucking kidding me

No

                               The fuck am I supposed to do with that information

Just thought I’d let you know.

🍑💨

“Ok,” Peter said, slipping the phone back into his pocket “Lizzy’s sending me farts again!”

“You are the one that decided to befriend her” Aro called back from the couch

“You say that like it’s my fault”

“Would you rather her come and do it in the house?”

“No,” Peter said walking back into the living room with popcorn

Aro only stuck around long enough to watch Misery as while he did agree that it was a good adaptation and movie he still preferred the books. It was about midnight when Aro noticed that Peter hadn’t come back to bed yet, so he got up and walked out to the living room, spotting  Peter and Bella both asleep on the couch, Peter slumped back into it, head tilted back, Bella slumped against his side.

“Oh” Aro chuckled quietly approaching the piece of furniture

Picking up the remote Aro turned off the TV before gently lifting Bella off of the couch making sure not to wake either as he moved the young woman to her temporary room, tucking her under the covers before back out and doing the same for Peter. The next morning Bella woke up more confused than Peter had, as he was used to it at this point, wondering how she’d ended up in bed when she remembered falling asleep on the couch. Kicking off the blankets Bella changed into her clothes and went out into the kitchen, looking through the fridge to see if she could find anything that she could make for breakfast when Peter came out of his room wearing his sleep pants.

“Morning” Peter yawned getting to work making himself some coffee

“Morning” Bella said, grabbing a carton of eggs “where’s Aro?”

“Taking a shower,” Peter said watching as Bella started cooking some eggs for them 

Taking a seat at the counter Peter pulled out his phone, scrolling through it as he waited for the eggs to finish cooking when Aro came out of the bedroom, fully dressed and looking like he was ready to go traveling.

“Where’re you going?” Peter asked, eyeing the vampire 

“I have to go back to Italy” Aro sighed grabbing his cloak out of the closet by the door

“For how long?”

“Hopefully not long” Aro said placing one hand on his humans cheek placing a kiss on the other before walking over to Bella “it was wonderful meeting you” he hugged her “take care and maybe we’ll meet again”

“Maybe” Bella said, feeling a bit saddened that the vampire was leaving so early as despite Edwards warnings about him she had grown to enjoy the vampires company

Giving Peter one more kiss Aro stepped out of the house so he could head off for Italy.

“So do you wanna go over to Lizzy’s today?” Peter asked pouring himself another cup of coffee 

“Sure” Bella said as Peter grabbed a key out of the bowl by the front door 

Aro called several hours after Bella had left.

“Hey” Peter said, answering his phone as he slouched on the couch watching his T.V. “how was the flight?”

“Fine” Aro sighed “though I don’t see why I was needed. This was a simple matter. How is Bella doing?”

“She’s out with Michael and the others” 

“Oh good” Aro said, the smile obvious in his voice, “is she getting along with them?”

“Don’t know. I haven’t heard from her since she left” Peter said noticing Bella as she stepped into the house out of the corner of his eye “hey I gotta go Bella just came back”

“Alright, good bye, darling”

“Bye” Peter said, looking at the fading cut on Bella’s cheek “the hell happened?”

“I killed a ghoul and then Eleanor made us dinner. Here” Bella said handing Peter a tupperware container “she told me to give this to you” 

“Cool” Peter said taking the container 

“What have you been doing?” Alice demanded storming into the living room from the basement door “why haven’t I been able to see you and then all of a sudden I see you being attacked by that thing and now Edward thinks you’re dead!” 

“Who the fuck are you and how the fuck did you get into my house!” Peter demanded, mentally going over where he’d hidden the guns on this level of the house, moving so that he was between Bella and Alice 

“Alice?” Bella asked confused “what are you doing here?”

“Edwards going to the Volturi!” Alice said, eyebrows furrowed “he wants to die too” 

“Realy?” Peter asked looking unamused “he breaks up with her the way he did and his first thought when he thinks she’s dead is to kill himself not, oh I don’t know, call Charlie and ask about it or even come back to investigate it himself?”

“Apparently” Alice shrugged “but we don’t have time to think about it!” Edward plans on revealing himself so the Volturi will kill him”

“Alright” Bella sighed “I’ll help”

“Wot?” Peter asked looking at Bella in disbelief 

“Can you wait for me out in the car” Bella said to Alice who did what she was asked 

“Ok I get it” Peter said, placing his hands on Bella's shoulders “I get it, but for the love of God don’t take him back. If he really does want to get back together with you make him work for it” he pulled her into a hug “and be careful. I have no idea what might happen over there and Aro can only do so much”

“I will”

“Call me when you get there” 

“Ok” Bella said before hurrying out of the house

Bella P.O.V.

I can do this. I thought to myself as Alice tore out of Peters driveway. I can face Edward again and even if something does happen I have Peter to turn to, he knew what I had going through and I had new friends now, ones that I didn’t have to lie to about Edward or werewolves or anything that has happened to me since I got to Forks. And if worse did come I had two options one, I could agree to be turned and live in Voltera with Aro or I could tell them about Lizzy and maybe that would give me some type of immunity, for now, but that option could also bring up some issues with Edward and his family especially considering how hostile the relationship between werewolves and vampires is, I can only imagine that it might be the same with witches and demons and that could create a whole other layer of problems. Either way the next few hours would definitely prove to be interesting.

[stina-is-a-punk-rocker]

disney’s ‘the hunchback of notre dame’, early 2000s kid nostalgia, and other midnight musings

“What the fuck, Stina? I thought this was a blog for book reviews!” you say.

“Books, amongst other things. Hence the -ish suffix,” I say. “And all my mediocre ‘reviews’ are hit-or-miss in terms of engagement, so I’m pretty much free to post whatever the fuck I want.”

I toss my head. My hair whacks me in the face.

The first time I watched Disney’s The Hunchback of Notre Dame was been circa 2006, in the ‘movie room’ of my preschool, huddled around a CRT TV with the rest of my five-year-old classmates. Not much about the film particularly stood out to me at the age.

Fast-forward fifteen years later; I’m cooped up in quarantine, hundreds of thousands of miles away from that first viewing. I’m living my best life, rejoicing in my introverted tendencies and having a laugh at the expense of all the suffering extroverts. I haven’t moved from my bed all day, except for the bare necessities, and I’m bingeing YouTube videos. All is well.

I discovered Lindsay Ellis’s channel quite recently- embarrassingly enough, through her videos on Omegaverse and the whole Addison Cain fiasco. I stumbled down the rabbit-hole of her channel, and here I am, a few dozen videos later, and I find her one on this film.

Which, of course, led me to want to re-watch the film, with the eyes and mind (supposedly) of an adult. And it went far beyond and above my expectations.

The film is dark, much darker than the average Disney film of today- not just thematically, but the graphics too. Except for the first parts with the Festival of Fools and the last scene, the rest seems to have a dark filter put over it all. Obviously, given its themes (I’m pulling these out of my arse; I’m a STEM major and I have zero to no knowledge about film) of freedom and equality, acceptance of those different from us, corruption and lust- all that good shit, in other words- you can’t exactly have sunshine and rainbows. But it’s such a stark contrast from what I’ve been accustomed to from Disney; Frozen has Hans about to decapitate Elsa, but the background remains bright and light; Simba sobbing next to Mufasa’s body in The Lion King is heart-wrenching, but a few scenes later, we have an anthropomorphic meerkat-boar duo singing about eating bugs and farting and all that classy stuff, so it’s not as traumatizing.

The themes are a lot more on-the-nose than a lot of other kids’ movies (forgive me if I err, I am aged and forgetful)- cue la Esmeralda saying, “What do they have against people who are different, anyway?”- you get what’s essentially the same ‘accept others regardless of their differences’, ‘prejudice is bad’ morals from, say, Zootopia, but having given the main characters fursuits makes it less obvious than in this movie.

(Or maybe I’m just a dumbass. I have no elaborate notes for this; I’m high on sugar and deprived of sleep so I might be spewing bullshit.)

Admittedly, the resolution is a bit… unrealistic. The citizens of Paris = sheep, essentially; they go from throwing fruit in Quasimodo’s face because the guards started it, to helping defeat them. Maybe there’s something about mob mentality in there, but I find it hard to believe that people who showed up to watch Esmeralda burn to death were suddenly totally cool with not getting what they didn’t pay for. But then again, this is a Disney movie, and you can’t make kids too cynical too early on. Let them have their innocence and ‘people will be with the heroes in times of peril because humanity is inherently good!’ before they realize that humanity kinda fuckin’ sucks.

The characters are some of the most human from those I’ve seen in Disney (other honorable mentions: the main characters of The Emperor’s New Groove, Moana, Tangled, Anna from Frozen). Quasimodo’s the main character (lol DUH, will I ever say anything not obvious?), and he’s so lovable, but not without flaws- he’s biased against gypsies in the beginning because Frollo’s the literal scum of the earth. To borrow from the K-pop fans’ dictionary: UwU he’s so pure!

Esmeralda sparks a bit of controversy because she’s another POC leading lady from a Disney film of the 90’s (a list including Jasmine, and, sigh- Pocahontas) who’s markedly more sexualized than the white Disney princesses. It’s not something I particularly noticed nor cared about until I saw it being brought up- I mean, the woman shows a bit of cleavage and then dances for a couple of seconds- but. I’m just putting that out there.

She’s an empowering heroine without having to belt in in your face (not me making a dig at Naomi Scott’s Jasmine from the Aladdin live action film), and I also love how her role in taking down the Big Bad doesn’t have to do with her ‘power of seduction’ (the scene in the animated Aladdin film where Jasmine kissed Jafar truly traumatized me as a kid).

Phoebus is… well, he exists. Kind of a Regulus Black archetype, but not exactly. The guy on the bad side who turns good and all is forgiven. Well, at least it’s not the ‘her love made him a better man’ trope. And he is a good guy. Even if he did spend a considerable amount of his adult years on the side of the bad guys.

Systemic oppression? Nah, it’s one or two corrupt baddies. But again, it’s a Disney film, we need everything to work out for the good guys in the end.

Let’s get the gargoyles out of the way. To reference Lindsay Ellis’s video (she’s a lot smarter than I am and breaks this down better than I ever could): yes, the comedy’s oft ill-timed and inappropriate… for an adult audience. And the primary demographic of Disney films, especially princess ones (obviously Esmeralda isn’t a princess, nor does she marry into royalty, nor is she included in the group of princesses in the dumpster fire that is Ralph Breaks the Internet, but I had a book imaginatively titled ‘Disney Princess Stories’ as a kid that included Esmeralda’s story alongside Belle’s and Ariel’s, so I’m calling her a princess), are kids. And kids love fart jokes.

Additionally, I have a theory-that-is-not-really-a-theory-but-a-pretty-obvious-thing-that-happens that the gargoyles are figments of Quasimodo’s imagination, and the, at times crass and ridiculous things they say are just the voices in Quasimodo’s head (THIS IS OBVIOUS, STINA, YOU HAVEN’T STUMBLED ACROSS A STARTLING NEW REVELATION); maybe what he imagines normal townspeople to act like.

And then we have Judge Judy Chrissy Teigen Frollo. This dude is the embodiment of pure evil. He’s bigoted and rapey and abusive and one of Disney’s most successful villains- even better than Mother Gothel, who previously held the crown. It’s rare that a villain genuinely terrifies me, especially a cartoon one. Frollo, unlike your typical fairytale antagonist who wants power/fame/fortune/to overthrow Olympus, is far more sinister; driven from deep-rooted hatred instead of plain greed. He’s so much closer to people in positions of power and authority even in the modern world, and that element of reality makes him so much better as an antagonist instead of a literal sheep who hates carnivores (seriously, Disney, enough with the twist villains- they’re not working out).

Also, Hellfire slaps. In fact, the entire soundtrack does.

Speaking about Hellfire, I love the contrast between that and Heaven’s Light; how Esmeralda is viewed by Frollo (an object to possess, “Destroy Esmeralda, and let her taste the fires of hell; or else, let her be mine and mine alone”) as opposed to Quasimodo (someone with free will, “I dare to dream that she might even care for me”).

Another argument brought up, and admittedly one I had as a child was, ‘but if the whole point of the movie is acceptance and love as opposed to lust, why didn’t Quasimodo get the girl?’ Which, years later, I realize is an extremely misogynistic way to look at it. As Princess Jasmine said four years before The Hunchback was released, she is not a prize to be won. Quasimodo is Frollo’s antithesis; he lets Esmeralda choose, and she chose Phoebus. And Quasimodo accepted that, because he is good and kind and sweet and loving. Severus Snape, take note.

On a sidenote, I’m always kind of caught out of left field when the plot in films moves really fast- I’m really not a movie-watching type; I prefer to read, and books usually indicate how much time passes from one main plot point to another, and there are little slice-of-life, filler parts that tie in to character development and moving the plot forward, but at a snail’s pace. So, whenever I’m watching a movie and it’s one important event after another, I usually haven’t had enough of a refractory period to process it.

Let’s pretend that I segued smoothly into the next part of this (already tedious and long drawn out) review.

The Hunchback is the darkest film I’ve ever seen come out from Disney. Re-watching it as an adult made me pause every so often and wonder why the hell I wasn’t traumatized by it as a kid. I mean, the whole movie kicks off with Frollo about to throw an infant down a well. And then there’s that horrifying shot of the stone renditions of the Israelite kings on the church walls. Frollo falls to his death into fire. I mean, good riddance, but still. I guess it’s because the kids’ shows of today are awfully censored and polished so kids don’t have nightmares forevermore.

Update: tried to watch The Hunchback of Notre Dame 2. Exited just as fast as I clicked on it. Disney sequels really ain’t shit (yes, I’m looking at you, Frozen 2).

[medea10]

My Review of Sarazanmai

How did I get into this anime? I heard “things” about this anime. 2019 was a weird time to be alive apparently. You know, before 2020 happened! As much shit as I give 2020, at least they didn’t give us kappas eating people’s asses.

Yes, I just said “kappas eating people’s asses”.

Be afraid. Be very afraid!

Kazuki Yasaka is a young boy who must carry around a box wherever he goes and follow specific directions day-by-day. Toi Kuji is a delinquent that breaks into cars and commits other crimes throughout the city. And Enta Jinnai is a childhood friend of Kazuki…He’s there too! These three boys have been chosen by the kappa prince, Keppi to help restore the Kappa Kingdom to its former glory. Kazuki, Toi, and Enta can now transform into kappas by being eaten ass first by Keppi and then shit out. Yes, I said eaten ass first and shit out by a kappa! These boys then must eat the inner-most desires of these kappa-zombies that are causing Keppi trouble. And these inner-most desires are located…in the ass. But there are those from the Otter Empire that cause this trouble for the kappas by turning folks into kappa zombies and causing havoc in the real world.

I would not expect any less of a mind-rape anime from the great Kunihiko Ikuhara.

BETWEEN THE SUB AND THE DUB: Even playing a kappa, Junichi Suwabe still finds a way to give me an erection.

Okay, let’s try that again and not make it sound disgusting, Medea.

Right! Let’s talk licensing. FUNimation is the licensors of this fine product. Seriously? Eating ass is fine, but you frown upon the likes of Interspecies Reviewers? Yes, there is a dub to this and believe it or not, I pretended it didn’t exist. Not because it was bad or anything! It’s just that this anime had the likes of Mamoru Miyano, Kouki Uchiyama, Rie Kugimiya, and Mr. Sex-in-a-Voice Junichi Suwabe. Let me state that my infatuation with Suwabe is like John Oliver’s infatuation with Adam Driver.

That…totally doesn’t help my case! Here’s what you might recognize these folks from.

JAPANESE CAST: *Kazuki is played by Ayumu Murase (known for Minami on Yuri on Ice, Luck on Black Clover, Asuto on Inazuma Eleven: Aries, Madoka on Shounen Maid, and Shinichi on SAO)

*Toi is played by Kouki Uchiyama (known for Yurio on Yuri on Ice, Soul on Soul Eater, Rui on Demon Slayer, Ikuya on Free!, Benedict on Violet Evergarden, Midnight on Fairy Tail, Yuu on Charlotte, and Ichijou on Nisekoi)

*Enta is played by Shun Horie (known for Kazuya on Rent-A-Girlfriend)

ENGLISH CAST: *Kazuki is played by Alejandro Saab (known for Leon on Pokemon Journeys, L’Arc on Shield Hero, Kuga on Food Wars, Yamazaki on Cardcaptor Sakura: Clear Card, and Takezou on Kono Oto Tomare)

*Toi is played by Ricco Fajardo (known for Koutaro on Zombieland Saga, Itona on Assassination Classroom, Karim on Fire Force, Natsuya on Free!, and Kyousuke on Danganronpa 3)

*Enta is played by Justin Briner (known for Deku on My Hero Academia, Yukito on Cardcaptor Sakura: Clear Card, Shou on Fire Force, Luck on Black Clover, and Ryouta on Danganronpa 3)

SHIPPING: Well…we got our BL kiss by the third episode. That’s quite early for an Ikuhara anime. Ooh boy, Enta loves him some Kazuki. He REALLY loves Kazuki! There’s a lot to be said of a boy that would sniff and fondle items owned by his lover and kiss his unconscious lover. I can understand why Enta would care for Kazuki. I mean after hearing that he’s truly his first friend after a childhood of traveling around and not making many friends, you want to feel for this kid. Key word here is “want”. But this boy goes too far sometimes and his jealousy does get the best of him to a point where I’m just saying, cut ties with the megane brat. But Enta ends up screwing things up again by taking a bullet for Kazuki and throwing all that anger out the window.

And then we have Reo and Mabu! God damn Reo! We’ve got shark teeth, an arrogant attitude, homosexuality, and the voice of Mamoru Miyano. This is just a Rin Matsuoka of a different color! If Reo and Mabu’s otter dance isn’t a dead giveaway, they totally love each other. To a point where they would sacrifice each other for the one they love.

POLE-DANCE ALERT: I don’t know why I always find random pole-dancing moments in animes so alluring. I guess I can blame the likes of Grell from Black Butler. But this moment was so random that it came right the fuck out of nowhere. Then again, this entire anime is an enigmatic brain-fart that it was only a matter of time before a kappa prince starts randomly dancing on a pole.

There we go, Medea’s love for random crap will never die!

ENDING: Throughout the series, Kazuki, Toi, and Enta were gathering these dishes in order to get a wish granted by Keppi. And each time they’ve gone up against a big bad otter, Reo and Mabu are usually the ones to bring out the kappa zombies. But everyone has a plan for using the dishes of hope for their own wishes. Enta wants to use it to stay with Kazuki so the two can remain the golden duo. Reo and Mabu want the dishes to be with each other and save one another after an incident nearly killed them. And Kazuki originally wanted to use the dishes for his baby brother’s own sake, but changes to wanting to help Toi (who ends up leaving with his older, criminal of a brother). And shit goes crazier than what I’ve just mentioned. Enta fucks up by stealing the collected dishes and really fucking up his relationship with Kazuki! Toi ends up leaving town with his criminal brother.

Reo and Mabu, the otter cops shoot Kazuki, but Enta takes the bullet and is hours away from dying. But then we learn that Reo and Mabu were actually kappas who worked under Keppi. It’s just that the otters have been manipulating these two. Mabu is just a hollow body created by the otters because of some accident that happened prior to the events in the anime. The otter gives Mabu a mechanical heart to keep him alive, but in order to stay alive, he cannot say he loves Reo. Unfortunately for these two, Mabu ends up saying he loves Reo and dies right in front of him and vanishing from his memories. Reo is then shot by Toi who comes in at the last minute.

Toi’s back. We all knew it wasn’t going to last. His older brother got shot dead the episode before. So Toi is going to use the dishes to resurrect his brother from the dead. This leaves Kazuki in shambles as he was going to use it on Enta before his body expires in like 10 seconds. In the last minute, Kazuki used the dishes on Enta and he’s going to live. End of story right? No, we still have a demented otter on the loose. And the otters have a dark Keppi that he’s been storing for just this sort of moment. And now it grabs Toi and Toi accepts. He wants to erase his existence from Enta and Kazuki’s lives. Problem is if he does that, Toi erases giving Kazuki the ankle bracelet that’s been a staple in Kazuki and Enta’s relationship when it comes to soccer. But the boys were able to connect, destroy the otters, bring the memories of Mabu and Reo back, turn Keppi into a kappa prince, and save the town from OTTER-destruction.

Yeah, if you watch this series, you’ll hear a lot of puns involving otters. I mean when you’re not smothered in sexualized otters and kappas.

The ending credits show Toi getting sent to juvie for three years. And it’s quite sad to see his dejected face while the ending song blasts. When the lyrics literally say “stand by me” it gets quite sad. Three years pass and Toi’s out of juvie. He goes to the bridge and jumps off. Keep in mind this is an Ikuhara anime, Toi’s not gonna die. Enta and Kazuki jump in and join Toi and welcome him back to society.

Good lord Ikuhara-san! I didn’t think you could out-gay an anime after the likes of Yuri Kuma Arashi. But good fuck, you found a way! This anime was…INSANITY. Pure insanity! Then again, this is the same director that did Revolutionary Girl Utena, Yuri Kuma Arashi, and Mawaru Penguindrum. Yes, connection and desires are a big take in not only Sarazanmai, but a lot of the other animes Ikuhara does. It’s just that Sarazanmai is the strangest acid-trip of them all. And that’s saying a lot because Yuri Kuma Arashi has sexy bears that say “Shaba-da-doo”. ALSO VOICED BY JUNICHI SUWABE! But people getting turned into kappas by being eaten ass first by another kappa and stealing spirits inner most desires, conveniently stored in their asses is some wonky-ass crack-fest. Recommendation wise, I would say watch some of the other animes Ikuhara has directed to get your feet wet in what you might expect in this kind of anime. After that, pop in a few Bakemonogatari episodes just for good measure. And after you do all that, take some CBD gummies and let-a-rip with Sarazanmai.

If you want to watch Sarazanmai, Crunchyroll and FUNimation have it available for streaming.

Okay, what’s next for my FUNimation list?

Okay, boobs! What are we talking here? Are these boobs flat as an ironing board or crimes against nature like in Eiken?

Oh, this can’t end well.

[popculturebuffet]

Mickey Mouse Birthday Shortstravaganza!

It’s Mickey and Minnie’s Birthday! It was 92 Years Ago Today everyone’s faviorite mouse came in on a tide of whistling, romance and animal abuse and swept into America’s hearts and wallets. Okay I am a day late on this, I had a busy day, but hey a belated celebratoin’s still good right? Right? Eh i’m doing it anyway.   Anyway since then he’s been one of animations most iconic characters, and while out of the classic power trio I vastly prefer donald and goofy, they still woudln’t be around without Disney’s big cheese and having not seen a ton of Mickey’s shorts, I felt I owed it to the big eared one to take a look at a bunch of his shorts for his birthday and see how I liked em. If your curious about my previous Donald Duck marathon, it’s CLICK THIS LINK.  Unlike last time all of these shorts are on Disney+ as more of Mickey’s library is on there and one or two of these were added recently, as Disney tends to add a few a month. I do wish there were more on there.. but unlike with say the handful of shows they haven’t put on there, i’m a bit more forgiving here. For one thing, YouTube has all the shorts available from various uploaders and DIsney hasn’t touched them despite Plus’ launch. Given like most companies Disney usually has their bots a cirlcing for their content, this has to be delebrate on there part and it’s a good gesture from the company. So while not in crisp HD like the Plus copies, or as easily avaliable, you can find any short that’s happened. So the shorts not all being up at once isn’t an issue like most of the shows that are absent on Plus. 

They also heavily need to cherry pick their library as some shorts simply haven’t aged well or have offensive stuff. With the exception of “The Beach Picnic”, which has a racist caricature of native americans via ants.. yes really, most of the shorts are fine to show kids, and have aged pretty well. And as my last marathon showed some shorts.. just haven’t. While not you know racist, seriously why is the Beach Picnic on there?, “Donald’s Penguin”, while utterly adorable at first, ends with Donald trying to murder a baby penguin with a shot gun. No amount of content warnings is going to get past one of their beloved icons pointing a shotgun at a baby. While Disney’s self conciousness can be silly, the splash edit and not putting the Darkwing Duck episode “Hot Spells” on plus for instance, this is one time when I can agree with them: if someone is curious about a paticuarlly offensive short or a propoganda one, youtube exists. But given Plus is trying to be all ages and dosen’t have censoring they have to be careful what they put on there, and I can respect that. I don’t think anyone’s crying a river over the fact that the goofy short where his reflection keeps saying “Hey Fat”, over and over while he struggles with his weight isn’t on Disney Plus and thankfully never will be. But seriously get rid of the “Beach Picnic”. It’s not a good short and you already have one batch of native american stereotypes with “Peter Pan”, I don’t think racist ants are the hill you want to die on disney.

So yeah, this time all of these are from Disney Plus, and since I watched them all at once, their in Watch order rather than chronological like last time. So with all that out of the way...

After the cut

1. Steamboat Willie (1928): It’s All Fun and Games Until Mickey Strangles an Innocent Duck Starting from the obvious source, Steamboat Willie was the start of Mickey’s career. And it’s.. okay. The animation is fantastic and the first half is pretty good: Theirs a pretty good gag with one of the cows. But the finale, with Mickey abusing various animals just isn’t that funny A LITTLE rattling of an animal for comedy is fine.. but the things Mickey does here are just sociopathic> And yes I know it was the 1920′s, but even in that lawless, racist, sexist time, they knew better than to strangle a duck, or, in the moment that puts it over the top, remove suckling pigs fromt heir mom and then play a pig’s teats like an insturment to make it squeal musically.. I assure you I did not make this up. That actually happens.  The pacing is also fairly slow at points, with some gags dragged out, though that can be chalked up to having no way to edit the damn thing, so that part I can forgive more.  What makes up for it, like I said, are some good jokes, and some gorgeous animation. Decades later and while clearly made a long time ago, it still looks vibrant and really pops even in black and white. It shows just how talented Disney was and how far the company could go with this medium.  One last thing to note is Mickey’s Early personality. While he’d retain trickster aspects at times, here he bounces between the loveable jolly mouse we’d come to know for the rest of his career who sometimes has a wild streak.. and a total asshole who strangles a duck. It’s just intresting to see such a diffrent side of him,  most of which would end up going to Donald over time. Overall the short is decent, not the best of Disney’s catalogue but worth a watch for the historical significance despite it’s shortcomings, pun unintended. 

2. Thru the Mirror (1936): That Was a Weird One This was easily my favorite of the bunch and as of now, my favorite Mickey Mouse Theatrical Short. Part of it is that it’s entirely bonkers; The film STARTS with Mickey , sound asleep, some how astral projecting as his soul, his spirit or whatever lead shis body and having been reading Alice Thorugh the Looking Glass, goes into a mirror world. But instead of encountring evil goatee mickey, he encounters a bunch of living objects and a bunch of fun set pieces for jokes ensue. He dances with playing cards, fights an army of them, has a sword fight with the king after dancing with the queen which.. no Mickey, bad mickey, your in a relationship and so is she. Bad Mouse bad. It is entirely fucking insane, even including a living nut cracker which.. words can’t.. look

They.. they had to know how this looked right? did the director have a ball busting fetish? I mean okay if he did, nothing wrong with that, but maybe don’t put it in your children’s cartoon.  That being said it does eat the shells which I find creative. And that’s what really makes this one pop. The creativity. Not a single minute is boring, every minute has something intresting going on, but without throwing too muchi n your face. It’s just a wonderful short and one that like Mr. Duck Steps out, i’ll be rewatching a LOTTTT. 

3. Mickey’s Rival (1936): Mortimer: The Original Bro From the same year we have disappointment. Having grown up with the disney classic House of Mouse, I was a huge fan of Mortimer. So when I first saw this, I was happy to see where he came from.. then justifably blocked it out of my mind till this review. While I love mortimer, I love Mickey having a sleazy rival and one diffrent than Pete who has different goals and tactics than the big guy. But his debut just has him as an obnoxious snickering bro.. which to be fair is who he is, but without the venre of charm his later version would have.  Mortimer just spends the short being a pranking douche, and blatantly hitting on Minnie in front of Mickey while their on a date. Which even in an open relationship is a no no, so he has no leg to stand on.. metaphorically. He also walks weird in this one because, and this is true, he’s carying 9 volt batteries in his pants. Yes really. That’s the level of Douche we’re dealing with. Someone so up their own ass they carry batteries int heir pocket instead of money or a mask or children’s trading cards like a normal person or a me.  What makes it frustrating is Minnie just swoons over the guy. And not like “Awww he’s so funny”, I mean romantically then has the gaul to say “your just jealous” when Mickey is understandably fuming over the jackass who swooped in, pranked him, is hitting on his girlfriend in front of him by teasing a bull, and in general is just the worst. Yes.. yes he is. Justifably. Jealousy is an ugly emotion but there’s a line between some dude bro like Mortimer getting mad your friends with someone you could be in a relationship with, boy, girl, neither, both, whatever your into, and Mickey getting mad his girlfriend is chuckling all over her ex who agian, crashed their date and treated him like garbage and is very transparently hitting on her in the middle of it.  It’s also just not a very funny short, outside of the bit pictured and tha’ts more for the sheer aburdity of Mortimer elctifying his pant for a really dumb gag about stealing people’s pants button. He’s very lucky we didn’t see Mickey’s Epic Mickey is what i’m saying. But given he’s a frat bro, the 1930′s version granted but a bro nonetheless,  he’d probably find that hilarious until he noticed the sheer size and scope.  Overall a forgetable, frustrating short. The one bright spot is mickey and mortimer’s cars which have faces and stuff and look neat.. otherwise it was just a waste of my time and the only good thing it did was bringing Mortimer into our lives. And that ain’t nothing. 

4. Mickey Down Under (1948): ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

This is a quick one.. because this one was a vacum. I mean I can at least say for Mickey’s Rival it’s interesting.. i’ts not good but it’s interesting. this is just.. Mickey farts around with a boomerang with his dog and then pisses off an ostrich. There’s not really a lot of consequence or intrest is what i’m saying. I can’t even find a good opening to make a letterkenny joke. No one got close to fucking an ostrich here. It’s telling by the fact theirs no gif’s of this one that no one cares and it baffles me this is one of the ones Disney chose to gussy up for D+ release. But still no donald messing around with a robot? 

5. The Band Concert (1935): That’s More Like It.  Okay scooting back a year we have the band concert. This is my third time watching this one and it’s a delight. Like the last one I don’t have a ton to say.. but it’s more because this one is just so good rather than because it wasted my time. It’s got a fun concept and the breakout performance from my boy donald duck as he constantly fucks with the band’s performance by either getting in their faces or hilariously pulling Flute’s out of thin heir. I miss that gimmick for donald, his love of pulling objects out of the either via magic and shenanigans. They should bring it back. Also his shenanigans remind me of opus and that’s never a bad thing. 

Also Horace takes off his shirt. For the Ladies. A Classic for good reason. 

6. On Ice (1935): Donald is a Bastard Man Another great one from the same year. This time around we have what i’ve come to call a Mickey and the Gang Messaround. This is back when Donald and Goofy were supporting characters, so generally each of the big three do something, usually coming together for the climax.  In this case Mickey tries to help Minnie with her skating, with him adorably following her around with a pillow before showing off for her, just really sweet stuff. Goofy’s bit is hilariously dumb, as fitting my boy, as he feeds fish tobaco to get them to spit into a spitoon, and tries to club them, with predictable results. While not the most enivrionmentally friendly just the sheer oddness, the fact it sort of works minus him actually clubbing them, and one of hte fish smacking him in the face all make it work.  The only bit that reallyd osen’t is Donald and pluto... it was present a bit before but here illustrates why I really dread Pluto based shorts. While I don’t hate the dog, he’s a dog I love dogs, most of the gags in his old shorts, and even up to mouseworks are him either being blamed for shit that’s not his fault, a pet peve of mine, or being tourtured in some way...

But dosen’t work at all now. He puts the poor dog on skates and then laughs at him and even sings a song mocking the poor dog, before justifably nearly ending up going over a watterfall, then ending up clubbed in the head. Good. I love donald but good god is he unsympathetic here.. and for some reason they teamed the two up again for more shorts! Why. It’s why I don’t get why Pluto was the star of his own shorts: if this is all they had.. why do it? Was the 30′s, 40′s and 50′s equilvent of a micheal bay audience really that into dog abuse?  So yeah otherwise a good short but that segment drags it down. not Donald’s best work. 

7. Clock Cleaners(1937): This is a Great One Not much to say on this one. It’s pretty good, has some fun set pieces, and some great jokes from all three characters. Mickey deals with a seagull, donald effs with a main spring and Goofy fights some statues. All good clean fun. My lack of brevity is more because I don’t have any jokes rather than this genuinely being bad. It’s pretty good. 

8.. Mickey and the Seal(1948): More Pluto Torture Porn! 

This one’s more of a mixed bag. On the one hand, it is really cute, as a young seal ends up going home with mickey after he visits the zoo to feed them fish. On the other hand.. it’s mostly Pluto chasing after the seal, Mickey being kind of a dick to pluto and not getting he clearly saw SOMETHING in his house, and then teasing him at the end despite him having been right. That being said the ending, with the seal brining back all it’s buddies to mickey’s house, is fricking amazing. ALso the seals in this unvierse who aren’t antrho can speak. That.. that raises a lot of questions I don’t think disney can answer. 

9. Ye Olden Days (1933): Jaunty Dueling Music Now this.. this was a fun one. Mickey and Minnie head to Medivil times, proving that the current shorts tendency to jaunt to various settings isn’t a new thing, and it’ sjust a much of a fun change up here as it was there. Mickey, a wondering minstral, ends up trying to rescue Minnie after her father throws her in a dungeon for not wanting to marry Prince Dippy Dog, who hopes she can learn to love him. I can’t tell if he’s genuine or a dick here. But it’s fun, especially the part where, after Minnie declares she loves mickey which.. it’s been a few hours slow down, they decide on a duel and thus sing some ragtime, 1930′s getting ready for duel music that’s just catchy. if X Of Swords ever gets a movie, I want to use this song. Just.. really good stuff. A fun short with some great gag,s a great concept, and my boy goofy as the villian. What’s not to like? Alright one more. 

10. MIckey’s BIrthday Party (1942): Big Chicken Breasts We end on another all together now, Mickey and the Gang Messaround that was a great note to end on. I did watch another short, Pluto’s Birthday party.. but it was both more of a Pluto short and more Pluto torture nonsense, so yeah, skipping that one, as I ended up one short of my 12 goal because I can’t count, apparently. So Mickey gets 10, but this one’s a good note to go out on. 

Minnie throws a suprise party for mickey which almost turns into a live sex celebration as Mickey clearly is a wee bit horny going in. But it turns into a fun dance party, with Donald throwing out razzes like a good buddy, Goofy making a cake, and some fun gags with a piano they all bought him. It’s a really good short. That’s the problem with Mickey Shorts and doing all D+ ones: There just isn’t the weirdly offensive stuff to talk about there is. He’s not a bad character, but there’s a reason in every short that features all three, Donald and Goofy easily outshine him. Mickey’s not a bad character, but when not in trickster mode, there just isn’t a lot for him to do. It’s why the comics reinvented him, much like they did for donald, into a plucky detective/reporter who reguarly sovles crimes. He’s not bad, and as seen with Ye Olden Days and Thru the Miror, his blank slateness cna be put to good effect and house of mouse gave him more of a personality, but here he’s just the bland good guy to Donald’s loveable scmap and goofy’s loveable dumbass. It’s an issue comedy has to this day: having a lead whose just.. not as intresting as the rest of the ensemble.  There is weirdness to note, as Donald dances with Clara Cluck> That’s not the weird part, he and daisy took a while to be etched in stone. The weird parts are 1. Donald wearing a sombrero and smoking a cigar, and 2. Clara’s MASSIVE boobs.. yes really. Clara Cuck has giant breasts. Like actual boobs that sway around while she dances with donald. it’s.. bizzare. Not terrible, who doesn’t like big chicken boobs but just.. really really weird to see ina  Disney cartoon.But yeah it’s jus ta fun note to end on. 

And that was MIckey’s Birthday special. I enjoyed it even if I had less to say than I thought. If you liked this review, you can comission your own for five bucks, just hit up my pms or my discord , avaliable on request. You can check out my ohter disney reviews in the disney tab on my blog and until next time, ther’es always another rainbow. 

[allthehorrormovies]

A+1 - A blend of American Pie and Scream, but surprisingly better than that sounds. Outlining the plot would give away the twist, which tips its hand early on, yet ends in a gratifying manner. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Make love, not war.

Alien - A friend remarked how this film likely wouldn’t be made today. It’s shot too dark. It’s quiet, purposefully. There’s no action for much of the first half; more a study in isolated labor and worker exploitation. And there’s not a “star,” outside of teenage dreamboat Harry Dean Stanton. Actors like Sir Ian Holm Cuthbert were selected for their ability, not their stature within Hollywood, as production took place in London. As Robert Ebert said, “These are not adventurers, but workers.” We’re lucky it was made, supposedly, in part because the success of Star Wars pushed the studio to quickly release their own space movie. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Sigourney Weaver is the ultimate Final Girl.

Aliens - The deliberate, slow pace of Alien is replaced by James Cameron’s grandiose action, backed by four times the original budget. Like Terminator 2: Judgment Day, it’s amazing that both films avoid “the disease of more.” Cameron’s characters are too often weighed down by punch-line dialogue, but all the elements together somehow work. Ripley’s character begins to move past being a simple pilot and into a warrior woman, for better and worse. The studio originally tried to write her out of the sequel due to a contract dispute, but Cameron thankfully refused to make the film without her. There are people out there who prefer Aliens to Alien, and that’s fine. They are wrong, but that’s fine. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Alien³ - David Fincher has famously disowned his directorial debut, citing studio deadlines for its poor quality. Compared to the first two films, it certainly is a failure. Though gorier, the scenes with the digital alien look terrible upon re-viewing. The various writers and scripts, some potentially interesting—especially William Gibson’s version, and changing cinematographers and the insertion of Fincher late into production doomed the project from the start. All that said, the movie itself isn’t terrible—parts are even good, but what feels like a midway point in Ripley’s saga is ultimately her end, and that feels cheap. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Alien: Covenant - The maddening mistakes of Prometheus absent, this sequel is a tense, action-packed killer of a flick. Scott claims a third prequel is in the works that will tie everything back to Alien, which is . . . fine? It’s just that the first film was so great and everything else since then seems so unnecessary. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Alien Resurrection - The aliens look better than ever before, but Joss Whedon’s dialogue is simply annoying and the casting is horrible. Ripley has super powers and kills her large adult alien son. Winona Ryder decides crashing a space ship into Paris, killing untold millions, is the best way to get rid of the aliens for some reason. It’s fucking dumb and cost $70 million to make. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. In the special edition intro, director Jean-Pierre Jeunet says he didn’t change much in the re-release because he was proud of the theatrical version. Baffling. 

Amer - This Belgian-French film is a tribute to the Italian tradition of giallo, a stylized, thriller told in three sections that directors like Suspiria’s Dario Argento pioneered. Mostly wordless, there’s not much plot, more a series of moments in a women’s life revolving around terrifying, sexual moments that ends in murder and madness. There are some terrific scenes, but it’s more of an art piece than movie. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

An American Werewolf in London - Funny and scary all at once, setting the bar almost impossibly high for all that followed. Rick Baker's special effects catapult this movie into greatness. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Ebert was right, though; it doesn’t really have an ending. 

Annihilation - Perhaps more of a sci-fi thriller than a horror movie. But due to some terrifying monsters scenes, I’m going to include it. Apparently writer/director Alex Garland wrote the screenplay after reading the first book in Jeff VanderMeer’s Southern Reach trilogy, giving the movie a different overall plot. Garland’s sleek style that made Ex Machina so wonderful is replaced by “The Shimmer,” which gives the film a strange glow. The ending relies too much on digital special effects that looked more gruesome in earlier segments, detracting from its intended impact. Still, a few key scenes, especially the mutated bear, are downright terror-inducing. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. I first found the constant flashbacks unnecessary, but viewed as a refraction on Portman’s mind as well as her body make them more forgiving.

The Babadook - Creepy and nearly a perfect haunted horror movie, except for some final tense moments that too quickly try to switch to sentimental, which leaves their earnestness falling flat. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Dook. Dook. Dook.

The Babysitter (2017) - One of Netflix’s original movies, this one pays off in gore and borrows heavily from Scott Pilgrim vs. the World-style jokes. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Meh. It’s cheesy and cliché, but whaddaya gonna do?

Backcountry - Don’t be fooled thinking this is like Jaws “but with a bear,” as I did. Unsympathetic characters and zero tension make this movie a drag to watch. At the start, you think, “Who cares if these assholes get eaten by a bear? They wandered into bear country without a map.” By the end, you’re actively cheering for the bear to eat the boyfriend and only a little sympathetic for the lead character. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. To her credit, Missy Peregrym does a fine job of being a mostly lone protagonist.

Basket Case - Cult director Frank Henenlotter‘s debut starts as a creepy, bloody horror movie, but staggers after showing the monster too soon and then tries to fill time with unnecessary backstory and extended scenes of screams and blood that would have otherwise been eerily good if executed more subtly. Despite not being very good, it’s at least somewhat interesting and kind of impressive considering its low budget. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Battle Royal - I’m not convinced this is a horror movie, it’s more just a gory action flick. But hey, oh well. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Fun, but not as great as many people seem to believe.

The Beyond - Considered one of Lucio Fulci’s greatest films, it might be a bit disappointing to newcomers of his work. Certainly the style and impressive gore are at their highest, but the muddled plot and poor dubbing distract from the overall effect. Fabio Frizzi‘s score is, for the most part, a great addition, however, certain key moments have an almost circus-like tone, which dampens what should be fear-inducing scenes. It’s easy to see why some fans absolutely love this movie while some critics absolutely hate it. In the end, it’ll please hardcore horror fans, but likely bore others. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Beyond the Gates - Two estranged brothers are sucked into an all-too-real game of survival after finding a mysterious VHS board game following the disappearance of their father. The plot is fun and original, but the lead actors aren’t all that engaging and the special effects look rather outdated for a 2016 release. Still, it’s an enjoyable watch. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Black Christmas - A slasher that starts out with potential, but never gets all that scary or gory, though it’s well made. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Margot Kidder gets a kid drunk.

Black Sheep (2006) - A hilarious, gory take on zombie sheep. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Black Sunday - The Mask of Satan (aka Black Sunday) is totally my new superhero/metal band name. If you're a fan of older horror, this one is not-to-miss. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Vengeance, vampires, Satan worship, castles, curses, and a buxom heroine, this movie is pretty damn dark for a 1960's black & white film.

The Blackcoat’s Daughter - Scores points for a couple of horrific scenes and a fairly good switcheroo, but mostly too slowly paced to capture the viewer’s attention. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Emma Roberts continues her path to being the modern Scream Queen.

The Birds - Hithcock’s film was, by no means, the first horror movie. German, Japanese, and UK directors had explored witches, demons, and the classic monsters decades earlier. But, The Birds is a landmark film, like Psycho, for pioneering a new wave of modern horror. It was, perhaps, the first time female sexuality and ecological revenge had been combined to create an unsettling tale with an ambiguous ending. And the rather graphic scenes of found corpses, combined with a minimalist score, are nearly as shocking today as when the film was first released. 5 out of 5 pumpkins.

Braindead - It's Bill Pulman and Bill Paxton in a 1980s B-horror; what more do you need? Most people won't enjoy this campy fart of nonsense, but try pulling your TV outside and getting good and drunk. Anything's good then. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. “The universe is just a wet dream."

The Brood - No where near as polished as Scanners or Videodrome, but still a creepy, well-made film. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

A Bucket of Blood - This black & white 1959 film from Roger Corman is more dark comedy than horror, but it’s a absurdly fun critique of beatnik culture written by Corman’s partner on Little Shop of Horrors. Dick Miller gives a great performance, and with a run time of about an horror, the pacing feels relatively quick for an older film. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Byzantium - The tale of two British vampires who live like wandering gypsies, setting up a low-rent brothel in a seaside town despite being immortal badasses because the all-powerful, all-male secret vampire club is trying to kill them, because . . . no girls allowed? It’s unclear. The vampires are of the more modern type—they go out during the day and receive their curse from a geological location than from one another. Still, overall the movie is better than it has to be. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Cabin Fever - Eli Roth’s directorial debut isn’t awful, but it certain could have been better considering Roth credits Carpenter’s The Thing as its inspiration. The homophobic jokes date the movie more than the alt-rock soundtrack and the repetitive scenes reminding viewers of how the mysterious disease spreads (at apparently differing rates depending on the character) during the conclusion end up creating a weird kind of plot hole. To his credit, some of the nods to The Thing are OK. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever - That Ti West made this pseudo-campy and outright bad movie during the same period that he made The House of the Devil is perplexing. The style, pace, and subtly that make The House of the Devil an enjoyable film are nonexistent in this cash-grab sequel. West apparently hated the final cut and requested his name be removed from the project. That said, I kind of like this movie better than the original. I’ve always found Roth’s praise of his directorial debut to be odd, as it’s not very good. For what it’s worth, this movie isn’t trying to be anything other than what it is: a tasteless, bad horror movie. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Retcons the plot hole in the first movie, at least.

The Cabin in the Woods - As good of a spoof of the horror genre as one could hope. Stereotypical with an O'Henry twist at every turn, this movie is good for an afternoon viewing, much like Tucker & Dale vs Evil. Without giving much away, if you think about it, The Cabin In the Woods is like a weird PSA about how marijuana will destroy all of mankind. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Fun and gory with something for everyone.

Candyman - Decades later, it’s not as easy to see why Candyman was such a landmark movie. It’s a bit slow, stumbles in places, and some of the acting is only serviceable. However, the story itself (based on Clive Baker’s original) is—on paper at least—good. Critics at the time were rightfully hesitant to praise a movie simply for having a black villain, especially when his origin is based on racial violence, but Tony Todd’s portrayal is so terrifying it launches the character into one of the all time great horror monsters. Add in Philip Glass’s soundtrack and Candyman reigns among other classics without being a top contender. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Carrie - I saw this movie on TV a long time ago, but I had forgotten much of the film, especially the opening scene of slow motion nudity (aren't these girls supposed to be in high school?!). The remake of this movie is likely going to be bad, but the original is so good I'll probably go see it. What can be said? Pig's blood. Fire. Religious indoctrination. Sexual overtones. There's a reason Brain de Palma's version of Steven King's story became so culturally important. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. This movie holds up, even today. 

Carrie (2013) - Though nothing is glaringly bad, and the added back-story decently pulled off by Julian Moore as the mother, almost every scene is a shadow of the original. Which is unfortunate considering that the remake of Let The Right One In managed to find a somewhat more unique tone. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Largely unnecessary.

The Changeling - George C. Scott does a fine job as a mourning husband haunted by an unfamiliar spirit. Not the most exciting movie, but pretty decent. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. It might’ve ranked higher, but there are no half stars here.


Cheerleader Massacre - This movie looks like someone shot it in their backyard with an earl 90s handheld camcorder . . . in high school. This is just embarrassing, for me too. The actors seem to be exotic dancers or adult film stars, who haven’t been asked back for a shift in a while. Alright, I skipped through this because the quality was so low. At around minute 41 there's a bathtub scene with three naked women, which culminates in one licking chocolate sauce off each other’s breasts. Some people die. Two of the naked women survive, I think. The house they all go to in the beginning of the movie - a ski lodge, I guess - burns down, or doesn't. Whatever. 0 out of 5 pumpkins. Just watch actual porn.

Child’s Play - While only OK, I understand how this became a franchise. Melted Chucky is terrifying. The villain can hop from vessel to vessel, unfortunately through some kind of voodoo racist bullshit. The characters are shallow, but serviceable. For such a big budget movie, it’s weird that it ends so abruptly. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Children of the Corn - Damn, this movie is boring. Linda Hamilton does the World's Least Sexy Birthday Striptease. The characters are joking quite a bit having just run over a child, whose dead body is rattling around in the trunk. What was the casting call like for this movie? "Wanted: Ugly children. Must look illiterate." All in all, things turn out pretty good for our protagonists. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. For something that spurred at least five other movies, this was remarkably uninspiring. 

City of the Living Dead - The dialogue is awkward and the plot a bit convoluted, but the special effects hold up and the overall story is good. The first of Lucio Fulci’s Gates of Hell trilogy. Apparently when the movie was screened in L.A., Fulci was booed. 3 of 5 pumpkins. Poor Bob the Simple Pervert.

Climax - Gaspar Noé is known for making viewers feel as uncomfortable possible with his experimental style film making. Which is fine. But that discomfort rarely lands to move me outside the initial shock. Climax is, surprisingly, more like a Suspiria remake than the actual 2018 remake. That, however, doesn’t make it good. The really shocking moments aren’t all that shocking and the cultural commentary isn’t very deep. It’s not a bad movie, it’s just, well, unnecessary. The dance scenes are extraordinary, so at least it’s got that going for it. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Color Out of Space - An enjoyable, albiet uneven, film that does a lot with little. A head-trip type of home invasion movie that pulls you in. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Conjuring - It’s easy to see why so many people love this movie. It’s well-acted, it has jump-out-of-your-seat scares, and incorporates several classic fear elements. Considering the mediocre, at best, tiredly worn horror movies that slump to torture porn for shock value coming out recently, The Conjuring stands above its peers. Still, there’s nothing original about the movie. 3 out 5 pumpkins. 

The Conjuring 2 - Billed as more shocking than the original, this sequel likely lands better in theaters with it’s jump-cut scares and action flick sequences. On the home screen, however, the overly dramatic elements are too far flung to seem like a haunting based on true events. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. 

Creep (2014) - Nails the P.O.V. angle without going too far down the overly-used “found footage.” Mark Duplass is terrifying and without his ability to carry the film, the entire concept could have easily fallen flat. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Creep 2 - Mark Duplass pleasantly surprises with a sequel that, while not as *ahem* creepy as the first, builds out the world of his serial killer in a manner that is engaging and ends with the potential for more. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Crimes of Passion - Technically it’s an “erotic thriller,” but given Ken Russell in the director’s chair and Anthony Perkins as the villain, I’m adding it to this list. Unfortunately, it’s not a great film. Kathleen Turner surpasses over acting in some scenes, and the rest of the cast is pretty forgettable. If the plot revolved around Perkins’s character, it might have been more of a horror flick. Instead revolves around loveless marriage and the fucked up issues of sexuality in America, attempting to say . . . something, but never really making a point. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Russell has got an obsession with death dildos. I don’t know what to do with that information. Just an observation.

Crimson Peak - Guillermo del Toro is a complicated director. He’s created some truly remarkable films, but has also created some borderline camp. Crimson Peak splits the difference, much in the same way Pacific Rim does. If you’re a deep fan of a particular genre, in this case Victorian-era romance, then the movie can be an enjoyable addition to the category with its own voice. If you’re not, then the movie’s more eye-roll-inducing moments are less a nod to fandom and more of an uninvited addition to what could be a straight forward film. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Beautiful, but lacking.

Cronos - This del Toro film is a must-see for any fan of his current work. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Even if you're not usually a fan of foreign films, you'll likely appreciate this modern take on the vampire mythology.

Dagon - To be honest, I feel like I should watch this one again. It’s a bit of a jumbled mess, but there are some wacky, gory moments at the end. Similar in tone and style to Dead and Buried. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Seriously, like the last 20 minutes cram so much plot it’s just a series of wtf moments until hitting incest and then nothing really matters.

Darling - Well shot in beautiful black and white with an excellence score, Darling really should receive a better score. However, it fails to be more than the sum of its parts. Borrowing liberally from Kubrick’s one-point perspective and Polanski’s Repulsion in nearly every other way, the film is decent, but fumbles in deciding whether to convince the audience of a clear plot, leaving viewers with closure, yet unsatisfied. Still, worth viewing. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Daughters of Darkness - A Belgian/French erotic vampire film that isn’t as erotic or vampiric as one might hope. Still, legend Delphine Seyrig shines so brightly, it’s catapults are relatively boring film into near greatness. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Dawn of the Dead - The best zombie movie ever made. 5 out of 5 pumpkins.

Day of the Dead - George A. Romero’s end to a near-perfect trilogy isn’t as good as its predecessors, but it’s gorier and somehow more depressing, even with the ending. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Dead and Burried - Starts with a bang, but lags in the middle. The ending tries too hard to surprise you, yet, by the time it’s over you kind of don’t care. Surprisingly well acted and good, creepy tale. Might not be everyone’s bag, but if you’re a tried-and-true horror fan, you’ll enjoy the movie. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Fun fact: The movie was written by Dan O’Bannon, famed for writing Alien. O’Bannon worked with John Carpenter on a short in film school, quit being a computer animator on Star Wars to be a screenwriter, and became broke and homeless after attaching himself to Jodorowsky’s doomed Dune. He later went on to direct The Return of The Living Dead and write Total Recall. 

Dead Snow - A Nazi zombie bites off a dude's dick. Do you really need any other details? 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Germans be crazy.

Dead Snow 2: Red vs Dead - Not as good as its predecessor, but still fun. Plus, more children die. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Why all the gay jokes, though?

Death Bed: The Bed That Eats - OK, my first nit-pick is that the bed doesn’t eat people so much as it dissolves people. But it still makes chewing sounds? Whatever. A bizarre concept that swings for seriousness and utterly fails due to its lack of plot and extremely low budget. Kinda of weird, but ultimately pretty boring. 1 out of 5 pumpkins.

Death Spa - Hilariously bad. Super 80s. I can’t say this is a good film, but I would recommend watching it for the kitsch value. What if a ghost haunted a gym? Instant money maker. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Fun fact: the project came about due to shepherding from Walter Shenson, who got rich producing A Hard Day’s Night and Help!, and the lead actor, who plays a gym manager, was an actual gym manager in L.A. at the time.

Deathgasm - Imagine if Scott Pilgrim vs. the World was about a New Zealand metal band and not as good, but still pretty OK. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Deep Red (aka Profondo Rosso, aka The Hatchet Murders) - Dario Argento’s 1975 film is more polished than 1977′s Suspiria, which is a bit surprising. However, that doesn’t necessarily make it a better film. Where Suspirira’s fever dream colors and superior soundtrack, also by Goblin, shines, Deep Red doesn’t quite land. The camera work here is better, though, as is much of acting. But there’s a lot of let downs, such as the opening psychic bowing out and never really coming up again, the boorish male lead and oddly timed humor, and the final reveal, which is anti-climatic. Still, an overall great horror movie. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Def by Tempation - I really enjoyed this film, despite it not being the most skillful directed or the most incredible script. The plot is compelling, the jokes are pretty funny, and the angles and lighting are really well done despite the limited budget. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Admittedly, Kadeem Hardison nostalgia helps.

Demons - Multiple people recommended this to me, and I can see why considering the Dario Argento connection. Unfortunately, the premise is more exciting than the execution. Poorly acted and poorly dubbed, the gore doesn’t do enough to hold one’s attention. There’s a scene where a guy rides around on a dirt bike killing demons with a samurai sword. At least that happens. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Is the ticket-taker in on it? She works in the demon theater, right? So, why is she being hunted? Also, where the fuck did the helicopter come from?

The Descent - Some of Earth’s hottest, most fit women embark on a spelunking adventure with a recently traumatized friend. Aside from a couple of lazy devices that put the team in greater peril than necessary, the movie quickly and cleverly puts the cavers into a horrifying survival scenario that few others in the genre have matched. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Without giving too much away, be sure you get the original, unrated cut before watching this flick.

The Devil’s Backbone - Though del Toro’s debut, Cronos, is more original and imaginative, this is much more honed. Not necessarily frightening, but tense and dreadful through out, laying open the horror war inflicts on all it touches. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Devil’s Candy - More of a serial killer thriller than a horror, but the supernatural elements raise this movie to better-than-average heights. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. The real lesson is this movie is that cops won’t save you, ONLY METAL CAN SAVE YOU!

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark - The biggest upside to this movie is that it was produced by Guillermo del Toro. The biggest downside is that it's not directed by Guillermo del Toro. Still, the director gets credit for making a child the main character; never an easy task. To the little girl's credit, she's a better actor than Katie Holmes, no surprise, and Guy Pierce. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. With a bit more gore and stylistic pauses, this could have been a 4. This movie proves why killing kids is more fun than kids who kill, and also that every male protagonist in every horror movie is dumb dick.

Don’t Look Now - Well-acted and interesting, Nicolas Roeg’s adaptation is a high-water mark of the 1970s premier horror. The only real complaint is that the ending—while good and obviously ties it all together—is nonsensical. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Donald Sutherland fucks.

Event Horizon - “This ship is fucked.” “Fuck this ship!” “Where we’re going, we don’t need eyes to see.” These are quotes from, and also the plot of, Event Horizon. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. The most disturbing part of the whole production might be Sam Neil’s attempt to be a sexual icon.

The Evil Dead - Though The Shining is the best horror movie ever made, The Evil Dead is my favorite. Funny, creepy, well-shot on a shoestring budget, it's the foundation for most modern horror flicks, more so than Night of the Living Dead in some fashions. See it immediately, if you haven't. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Bruce fuckin' Campbell.

Evil Dead (2013) - Not entirely bad, and even takes the original plot in more realistic places, like the character having to detox. But is that what we really need? The fun of the original is its low budget, odd humor, and DIY grit. I guess if you really want a “darker” version, it’s this. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Better than The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake, about as good as the Carrie remake, I guess.

Evil Dead II - I have to respect Sam Raimi because it’s like he got more budget and did everything possible to try and make this movie suck just as a fuck you to the studio. All the creepy parts of the original are over-the-top, there’s zero character development—just faces on a stage, and it’s seemingly a crash-grab to set up Army of Darkness more than anything else. That said, it’s kind of boring outside of a couple gory scenes. It’s fun, but not that funny. It’s scary, but more gauche than anything. An exercise in excess, yet a decent one somehow. My biggest complaint is that Evil Dead is great with Bruce Campbell, but would have been good with almost anyone; whereas Evil Dead II is only good because it’s Bruce Campbell. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Elvira: Mistress of the Dark - This movie is nothing but puns and tit jokes. But clever ones! Pretty okay with that. Or maybe it's a statement on third-wave feminism in spoof form? Probably not. At one point an old people orgy breaks out at a small town morality picnic, but it's a PG-13 movie so it doesn't get very fun. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Boooooooooobs.

Elvira's Haunted Hills - A pretty disappointing follow-up to what was a fun, 1980s romp. Instead of poking fun at uptight Protestants, Elvira’s just kind of a dick to her servant. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Even the boob jokes are flat.

The Endless - More sci-fi than horror, and not the most deftly produced, still an original concept that’s pulled off well. 3 out 5 pumpkins. Maybe this should get a higher ranking. It’s good! Not exactly scary, but good.

Equinox - Decided to give another older Criterion Collection film a try. Though there are some clever tricks in the movie, especially for its time -- like an extended cave scene that's just a black screen -- the poor sound, monsters that look children's toys, and general bad acting drag this movie down to nothing but background noise that's easy to ignore. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. Whatever contributions this movie may have made to the industry, its not worth your time unless studying for a film class.

Excision - Less of an outright horror movie and more of a disturbing tale of a young necrophiliac, the film tries its best to summon the agnst of being a teen, but falls short of better takes, like Teeth. Still, pretty good. Traci Lords is great and John Waters plays a priest. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Exorcist - The slow pace and attention to character backstory is more moving than the shocking scenes you've no doubt heard about, even if you haven't seen the film. The pacing is slow compared to most movies today, but the drawn out scenes, like in Rosemary's Baby, help convey the sense of dread. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Believe.

Eyes Without a Face - One of the more remarkable things about this French 1960′s near-masterpiece is how carefully it walked the line between gore and taboo topics in order to pass European standards. The villain isn’t exactly sympathetic, but carries at least some humanity, giving the story a more realistic, and therefore more frightening quality. The only, only thing that holds this film back is the carnivalesque soundtrack that could have been foreboding. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. A must watch for any horror fan.

The Fly - Cronenberg's fan-favorite film is delightful, though it’s not as great as Scanners or Videodrome, in my humble opinion. Jeff Goldblum is, of course, terrific. If you haven’t seen it, see it! 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Where’d he get the monkey, though? Seems like it’d be hard to just order a monkey. The 80s were wild, man.

The Fog - A rare miss for John Carpenter’s earlier work. There’s nothing outright wrong or bad about this movie, but it’s not particularly scary and the plot is rather slow. That said, it’s soundly directed. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. If you’re a Carpenter fan, it’s still worth watching.

Forbidden World - Another Roger Corman cult classic, this one made immediately after the much larger budget Galaxy of Terror, mostly because Corman had spent so much on the first set (designed by James Cameron) and thought of a way to make another low-budget flick with a much smaller cast and recycled footage from Battle Beyond the Stars. Even more of a complete rip-off of Alien, with some Star Wars and 2001: A Space Odyssey bit sprinkled in. Perhaps because it’s far less serious and revels in its pulp, it’s somehow better than Galaxy of Terror, which is more ambitious—you know, for a Corman b-movie. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. No worm sex scene, though.

Frankenhooker - Frank Henenlotter‘s 1990 black comedy is over-the-top in almost every way, perhaps best encapsulated by the introduction of Super Crack that makes sex workers, and one hamster, explode. But with a title like Frankenhooker, you get what you expect. Hell, it even manages to sneak in an argument for legalizing prostitution. If you’re a fan of zany, exploitation in the vein of Re-Animator, you’ll enjoy it. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Friday the 13th - Terrifically balanced between campy and creepy, with a soundtrack that’s twice as good as it needs to be. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Worth watching every year.

The Frighteners - Michael J. Fox, everyone! Robert Zemeckis & Peter Jackson - ugh. It didn't even take 20 minutes for the racial stereotypes to kick in. Unlike the trope of youth in most horror movies, everyone in this movie looks old. Holy shit, did anyone else remember Frank Busey was in this movie? Michael J. Fox is a bad driver in this movie. He was also in a car accident that gave him supernatural sense. Jokes. Apparently they tried to make it look like this movie was shot in the Midwestern United States, but it was filmed in New Zealand. It's clearly a coastal or water based mountain town, in like dozens of shots. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Cheesy without being completely campy, it's also family friendly. If this were any other genre, this would likely be a two.

From Beyond - Stewart Gordon’s follow-up to Re-Animator isn’t as fun, even with some impressively gory special effects. Viewers are throw into a story with little regard for character, which doesn’t really matter, but is still a bit of a left down when you find yourself wondering how a BDSM-inclined psychiatrist builds a bomb from scratch. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. It’ll stimulate your pineal gland!

Funny Games (2007) - A fairly straightforward home invasion horror achieves greatness thanks to Michael Haneke‘s apt directing and powerful performances by Naomi Watts and Michael Pitt. Like with Psycho, some of the most horrifying parts are what comes after. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. The fourth wall breaking is an odd touch, but thankfully and surprisingly doesn’t distract.

The Fury - Brian De Palma’s follow-up to Carrie is a major let down. Despite a fairly charismatic Kirk Douglas and score by John Williams, the two-hour run time drags and drags. Attempting to combine horror and an action-thriller, the film waffles between genres without ever rising above either. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. It’s not explicitly bad; just a bore to watch.

Galaxy of Terror - Roger Corman produced this movie as was to try and capitalize off the success of Alien, but even with that shallow motivation it’s better than it needed to be. Staring Erin Moran of Happy Days fame and celebrated actor Ray Walston, Galaxy of Terror has an uneven cast, made all the more puzzling by Sid Haig. Though “the worm sex scene” is likely the reason it achieved cult status, James Cameron’s production is top-notch and was clearly the foundation for his work on Aliens. The ending even hints at the future of Annihilation. Does all this make it a good movie? Not really, but it’s not terrible either. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Get Out - A marvelous debut for Jordan Peele, who—given his comedy background—was able to land some downright chilling moments alongside some mostly well-timed jokes. Unfortunately, not all of them as well timed, especially the drop-in moments with the lead character’s TSA buddy. Peele originally had the film end less optimistically, but wanted audiences to ultimately walk away feeling good. Maybe not the most artistic choice, but certainly the smart one given the film’s acclaim. It’s easy to see why Get Out has cemented itself alongside The Stepford Wives as a smart, “in these times” commentary about society, but it’s also just a really well-paced, well-shot, well-acted film. With two other horror projects immediately set, it’ll be exciting to see just how much Peele will add to the genre. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. America’s worst movie critic, Armond White, said Get Out was “an Obama movie for Tarantino fans” as if that was a bad thing. Idiot.

Ginger Snaps - A delightfully playful but still painful reminder of what it was like being a teenager while still being a gore-fest. A must for anyone who was emo. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Out by sixteen or dead on the scene.

A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night - An almost flawless picture. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Bonus: nearly everyone in this movie is insanely hot.

Green Room - Surviving a white supremacist rally in the Pacific Northwest is no joke. The region is the unfortunate home to violently racist gangs, clinging to the last shreds of ignorant hate. Though fading, some of the movements mentioned in the movie, like the SHARPs, are grounded in recent history. Mainly a gory survival-flick, the movie sneaks in some surprisingly tone-appropriate humor. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. No one’s island band should be Misfits.

A Ghost Story (2017) - Yes, this isn’t a horror. It’s a drama. Don’t care; including it anyway. It’s unnerving in the way that it makes you consider your own mortality and the lives of the people who you’ve touched, and how all of that won’t last as long as an unfeeling piece of furniture or the wreckage of home soon forgot. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Ghostbusters (1984) - “It’s true. This man has no dick.” 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Halloween (1978) - One of the best openings of any horror film. John Carpenter is a genius. 5 out of 5 pumpkins.

Halloween (2018) - Eh. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Hardware - A very unhelpful Marine brings home some post-apocalyptic trash that tries to kill him and his girlfriend, who could absolutely do better than him. Horribly shot and nonsensical, it doesn’t push the boundaries of filth or gore its cult fans adore. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. Do not recommend.

The Haunting (1963) - Not exactly the scariest of movies, but damn well made and just dripping with gay undertones. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Theo is queen femme daddy and we are all here for it.

Haunting on Fraternity Row - The acting is surprisingly decent, but the supernatural elements don’t even start until halfway into the movie, which begins as a sort of handheld, POV style conceit and then abandons all pretense of that set up. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. Not at all scary, but maybe it will make you nostalgic for frat parties, cocaine, and failed threesomes. So.

The Haunting of Julia - Apparently parents in 1970s Britain didn't receive proper Hymlic maneuver treatment, which perhaps made for an epidemic of dead children. As promising as that premise might be, an hour into this movie and there hasn't been any actual haunting. There's a stylish gay best friend (he owns a furniture store) and a dumb dick of an ex-husband, a scene of library research, mistaken visions, etc. All the standards are here, except for the haunting parts. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Well shot but absolutely boring, this is more about a woman's struggle with depression than a horror flick.

Head Count - A great premises that falters in key moments, making the sum of its parts less than its promising potential. For example, there’s no reason to show a CGI monster when you’ve already established its a shape-shifter, the scariest part is that they could be anybody! 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Hellbound: Hellraiser II - I really dislike this movie, not because it’s especially bad, but because it’s a lazy continuation of the first film. Yes, there are a couple of scenes that are squeamishly good, but it spends too much time rehashing the plot of the first and then ending in some grandiose other dimension that has not real impact. Part of the terrifying elements of the first is that the horror is confined to one room in one house. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. It really only gets this many pumpkins because of the mattress scene.

Hellraiser - Truly the stuff nightmares are made of. It’s easy to see why this film became a cult-classic and continues to horrify audiences. That said, the plot is a bit simplistic. Not that the plot is the heart of the film; the objective is for viewers to experience squeamish body mutilation and overall dread, and in that regard it truly delivers. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Hereditary - Toni Collette is a treasure in this dramatic horror about family and loss. Though the truly terrifying bits take too long to ramp up, resulting in a jumbled conclusion, the film is engrossing. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Hocus Pocus - Admittedly, this movie isn’t very good. But its nostalgic charm and constant virgin jokes earns it a higher ranking that it deserves. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. “Max likes your yabbos. In fact, he loves them.”

Honeymoon - Often described as a modern twist on Rosemary’s Baby, this debut from promising director Leigh Janiak takes its time before getting truly creepy. Though there are some gruesome moments, the tense feeling is bound to the two leads, who are able to keep a lingering sense of dread alive without much else to play off. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Host - I was skeptical of this Korean movie based on the sub-par visual affects, but the script, actors, and cinematography were all much better than expected. A genre-bender, as my friend who recommended it described, you'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll cringe. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. If you're a fan of movies like Slither, you'll love this movie.

Hot Fuzz - Second in Three Flavours Cornetto and probably the worst, but still a great movie that gets better on repeat viewing. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

House - A part of the Critereon Collection, this 1977 Japanese movie is a trip and a half that follows the untimely demise of some school girls going to visit their friend's aunt, who turns out to be a witch who eats unwed women. One of the girls is named Kung-Fu and spiritually kicks a demon cat painting until blood pours out everywhere. I guess this is kind of a spoiler, but the movie is such a madcap, magna-influenced experiment there's nothing that can really ruin the experience. Like most anime, this movie also ends with an unnecessary song that drags on for far too long. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. I guess this movie influenced a lot of future work, which make sense. Still, most people would consider this a 1 as it's nearly impossible to follow.

The House at the End of the Street - I only decided to watch this movie because Jennifer Lawrence is in it. This isn't even a real horror movie. It's a serial killer movie with a few thriller moments. My standards are low at this point. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. It's a PG-13 movie, so instead of outright showing you some boobs there's just long, awkwardly placed frames of Jennifer Lawrence in a white tank-top. Oh, America.

The House of the Devil - Though an on-the-nose homage to 70s satanic slow-burns, this Ti West feature moves at a decent pace toward the slasher-like ending, making it better than most of movies it pays tribute to. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. 

The House on Sorority Row - A cookie-cutter college slasher that ends abruptly for no real reason considering how long it sets up its premise. Nothing awful, but nothing original. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Housebound - A fun, Kiwi flick that nicely balances a bit of horror with humor with a strong performance by Morgana O'Reilly. Though the plot takes a couple unnecessary twits towards the end, the gore kicks up and leaves you with a satisfying ending. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Howling - Released the same year as American Werewolf in London, this movie isn’t very good, but it is entertaining. Apparently audiences and critics thought it was funny. Maybe because it makes fun of that Big Sur lifestyle? I dunno. Dick Miller is the best thing in this movie, outside of the special effects. No idea why it spawned several follow ups. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Honestly, why not just lean into The Gift and join The Colony—nice surroundings, sultry nympho, regeneration ability. Some people can’t appreciate nice things.

Humanoids from the Deep - A cult favorite from the Roger Corman camp that borrows heavily from Creature from the Black Lagoon and a bit from Jaws. Initially very well done by director Barbara Peeters, but ultimately released much to her distaste. Peeters shot grisly murder scenes of the men, but used off camera and shadows to show the creatures raping the women. Corman and the editor didn’t think there was enough campy nudity. So they tapped Jimmy T. Murakami and second unit director James Sbardellati to reshoot those scenes, unknown to the cast, and then spliced the more exploitative elements back in for the final version, including a shower scene where it’s abundantly clear a new, more busty actress stands in for actual character. It’s unfortunate Peeters’ creation was essentially stolen from her, as it could have been a more respected film. I mean, how many horror flicks could weave in the economic struggle of small town bigots against a young native man trying save salmon populations? That said, the cut we got is pervy romp that’s still a boat-load of b-movie fun. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. James Horner on the score.

The Hunger - First off, David fucking Bowie. Not to be outdone, Susan Sarandon and Catherine Deneuve are absolute knock-outs. Horror stories are often rooted in the erotic, often the unknown or shameful aspects of ingrained morality manifested in the grotesque and deadly. When done positively and well, it can be a powerful device. It’s a shame more recent horror movies don’t move beyond the teen-to-college-year characters for their sexual icons, too often used as sacrificial lambs, because mature sexuality can be far more haunting. As we age our connections to the meaning of love grow deeper and more complex; immorality does not offer the same luster. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Damn impressive for a first major film. Fun fact: Tony Scott wanted to adapt Interview with the Vampire, but MGM gave him The Hunger instead. It bombed and he went back to making commercials. Then Jerry Bruckheimer got him to direct Top Gun, which made $350M.

Hush - Though the masked stranger, home invasion plot is well-worn, this movies provides just enough shifts to keep things interesting and frightening. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Watch out, Hot John!

I Am the Pretty Thing that Lives in the House - With only an hour and a half run time, this film still drags. Part of that is deliberate. The foundation of the film is its atmosphere and the lingering uneasiness that it wishes audiences to dwell in. But by the end, you’re left with nothing more than a simple, sad story. It’s similar to the feeling of overpaying for a nice-looking appetizer and never getting a full meal. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Initiation - This movie has every 80s hour cliché necessary: minimalist synth soundtrack, naked co-eds, looming POV shots, hunky Graduate professor, escaped psychiatric patients, prophecy nightmares, and creepy a child. Yes, everything but actual horror. An hour into the horror movie and only one person has died. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. There is no point to this movie, unless you're a huge fan of the princess in Space Balls.

The Innkeepers - The second of Ti West’s two well-received horror originals before he set out for TV and found-footage anthologies, The Innkeepers may not get as much love as The House of the Devil, but should. The dual-leads (Sara Paxton and Pat Healy) are more fun to watch than Jocelin Donahue‘s performance and the tone more even-set throughout the film. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Innocents - Reportedly Martin Scorsese’s favorite horror movie, it’s easy to see how big of an impact it had on the genre (especially The Others) with sweeping camera angles, slow but still haunting pace, and remarkable sound design. Perhaps it’s not as well-received by modern viewers, but it’s no doubt a classic. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Intruder (1989) - An enjoyable slasher flick from long-time Sam Raimi collaborator Scott Spiegel that takes places in a grocery store after hours that doesn’t try to do too much or take itself too seriously and features some over-the-top gore. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. “I’m just crazy about this store!”

Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956) - A terrific example of how to build paranoid fear. That its political allegory can be interpreted on both sides of McCarthyism makes it all the better. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Original ending, ftw.

Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978) - A rare remake that’s almost as good as the original. Terrific use of San Fransisco as a setting, Goldblum Goldblum’ing it up, solid pacing—great film! 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Plus, nudity!

The Invitation - More of a tense drama until the final moments, this film deserves praise for holding viewers’ attention for so long before the horror tipping point. Further details could spoil the story, but like many tales in the genre the lesson here is always trust your gut. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Ugh, Californians.

It (2017) - Stephen King’s nearly 1,200 page 1986 national bestseller captures the attention of readers for a number of reason: it’s coming-of-age story is horrific even without supernatural elements, it’s cast of characters resemble classic American archetypes from many of King’s other works, and its adaptation into a four hour mini-series staring Tim Curry as Pennywise in 1990 has haunted the imaginations of children for decades. Unfortunately, like the mini-series, the movie fails to deliver the long, unsettling moments that make the novel so thrilling. King’s story is a cocaine-fueled disaster that throws everything and the kitchen sink at viewers when compressed onto the screen. The truly terrifying elements of the book lose their impact when delivered one after another without time to feel personally connected to each character. The genius of It is the paranormal evil’s ability to hone in on a person’s darkest fears. Without deep empathy for all of The Losers, the individualized psychological torture is muted when reduced to jump-cuts. For what it’s worth, the film does its best with a jumble of sub-plots and the Pennywise origin story, but as the tone bounces from wide shots of small town Maine and the painful trauma of abuse to titled zooms of CGI monsters and an over-the-top soundtrack, something is lost. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Publishing office, 1985: “So, wait. The kids fuck?” the editor asks, disgusted. King vacuums another white rail into his nasal cavity. “Huh?! Oh. Yeah, sure. I guess. Does that happen? Jesus, I’m so fucked up right now. What day is it? What were you saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s like, love is the opposite of fear, bridge to adulthood or something. Do you have any booze around here?”

It Comes At Night - More utterly depressing than terrifying and a reminder that the greatest horror we’ll likely ever face is simply the limits of our own humanity. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

It Follows - An uncomfortable and honest take on how sexuality is intertwined with the horror myth. One for the ages. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. The real terror is HPV. 

Jaws - A masterpiece that’s too easily remembered for its cultural impact than artist merit. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. R.I.P. Chrissie Watkins, you were a free spirit as wild as the wind.

The Killing of a Sacred Deer - Yorgos Lanthimos‘s follow up to The Lobster isn’t as well done, but the wide shots, odd lines, and increasingly bizzare build-up are all present. The finale is near perfect, but takes a bit too long to reach. I’d really like to give this film a higher score, but alas: 3 out of 5 pumpkins. There’s nothing wrong, yet something is missing.

Kiss of the Damned - There are handful of potential interesting scenes and the internal drama of a vampire family is a potentially the foundation for a good film. Despite this, Xan Cassavetes’s film never manages to actually be all that interesting. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. There’s nothing terrible here, but also nothing remarkable.

Knock Knock - Two hotties do my man Keanu dirty. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Eli Roth is a better actor than director.

The Lair of the White Worm - A campy demon flick from Altered States director Ken Russell. Staring Hugh Grant, Peter Capaldi, and Amanda Donohoe, the plot is loosely based on Bram Stroker’s last novel, which has a few similarities to H. P. Lovecraft's novella The Shadow Over Innsmouth, which was made into the Spanish film Dagon. Very British all around, a bit like Hot Fuzz meets Clue, this could have been played straight and potentially been scary, but Russell didn’t intend to be serious. A topless snake demon wearing a death strap-on to sacrafice a virgin can’t be taken as *cinema* after all. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Not great film by any stretch, but pretty fun!

Lake Mungo - Presented as a made-for-TV type of mystery documentary, this could have really turned out poorly. Despite some unnecessary plot additions, this movie really stuck with me. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Sadder than you might expect.

The Langoliers - Balki Bartokomous is the villain in this made-for-TV special. He is terrible and the rest of the cast is packed with 90s no-name actors and a child actor that might as well be the blind version of a kid Liz Lemon. You know how Stephen King writes himself into every. single. story? In this case it's not even as a plot device, it's just a character to fill space like an obvious oracle. In the book, the character tearing paper is a subtle, unsettling mannerism you assume happens quietly in the background, but because television writers treat their audiences like distracted five year-olds, this action becomes a reoccurring focus with no point or context. One of the best parts about the book was imagining the wide, empty space of the Denver airport. Of course, shutting down an entire airport would be expensive, so most of the interactions take place in a single terminal, which is just as boring as being stuck at the airport yourself. Two 1994-era Windows screen savers eat Balki at the end, then, like, all of reality, maaaaaaaan. The more I think about it, this story might have been the unconscious basis for a strong Salvia freak out I once had. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. Dear male, white writers, we all know that no one actually fucks writers in real life - that's why you're all so angry. Stop creating these protagonists equipped with impossible pussy-magnets. Stop. Staaaaaaaahp.

The Last House of the Left - Wes Craven’s debut isn’t much of a horror, but a revenge tale that contains no build up or sense of dread, but an immediate and unrelenting assault of its characters and the audience. It’s well-made, and the rape revenge tale is older than Titus Andronicus, but that doesn’t mean it’s something worth viewing. There’s no joy; it’s Pink Flamingos without the camp. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. No doubt impactful, but really best viewed as a piece of history with a critical eye and not for entertainment.

The Legend of Hell House - A well made haunted house film that holds up forty years later. Pamela Franklin, playing a medium, carries much of the movie. Her foil, the physicist, is a strange character. He apparently believes people, and even dead bodies, can manifest surreal, electromagnetic energies, but not in “surviving personalities.” Yet, he still orders this giant “reverse energy” machine to “drain” the house of its evil before they even set out to research house. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Dangerous diner parties, the insatiable Mrs. Barret, mirrored ceilings and kick ass Satan statues everywhere - this house seems pretty great, actually.

The Legend of the 7 Golden Vampires - A blast to watch, but not truly great. Unfortunately, I’ve only seen the edited version (The 7 Brothers Meet Dracula) that mixes up the beginning for no real reason and wonder how much better the original cut might be. Still, vampires! Kung Fu! Peter Cushing! 3 out of 5 pumpkins.


Let the Right One In - Beautiful and terribly haunting. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Likely the best horror movie this generation will get.

Let Me In - Surprising good. Unnecessary, yes. But still good. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Fun fact: I once watched an *ahem* found copy of Matt Reeves‘s Dawn of the Planet of the Apes without the ape subtitles and thought it was a brave choice to make the audience sympathize with the common humanity among our species. I was also pretty high.

Life After Beth - Jeff Baena‘s horror comedy features a terrific Aubrey Plaza, but Dane DeHaan’s character leaves a lot to be desired. It seems like the film is trying to save something about life, love, and family, but never finds its voice. A fine, funny movie to watch on a rainy afternoon. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Lifeforce - Directed by Tobe Hooper (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre) and written by Dan O'Bannon (Alien) is a film the suffers from “the disease of more.” The entire concept of space vampires is rad as hell, but a $25 million budget and a 70 mm production couldn’t save what ends up being a boring trod and a jumbled ending that somehow makes major city destruction tiring. Though, to be fair, this was well before Independence Day. Colin Wilson, author of the original source material, said it was the worst movie he has ever seen. I wouldn’t go that far, but during a special 70 mm screening, the theater host chastised the audience in advance to not make fun of the movie during the showing because it was “a great film.” Reader, it is not. But Mathilda May looks real good naked and there are a couple cool, gory shots. So, there’s that. I guess. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Patrick Stewart is in this for all of like 10 minutes, but is still listed as a main character.

The Lighthouse - From The Witch’s Robert Eggers, this film is objectively a great work of art. Brooding, stark, and compelling performances from Willem Dafoe and Robert Pattinson—all the elements add up into a unique and disturbing experience. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. All that said, in the same way I consider Death Spa a 2 pumpkin movie you should see, this is a 4 pumpkin movie you could probably skip. It’s not entertaining in the traditional sense, and likely not one you’d want to really ever see again. The Eggers brothers made something weirdly niche and it’s fine if it stays that way.

Little Evil - A serviceable comedy that isn’t all that scary or even gory, which is a disappointment considering Eli Craig’s Tucker & Dale vs. Evil was so good. There are a few nods to famous horror movies that make a handful of scene enjoyable, but otherwise it’s purely background material. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Little Monsters - A Hulu original that’s pretty fun, if ultimately standing on the shoulders of giants like George A. Romero and Edgar Wright. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

A Lizard in a Woman's Skin - Lucio Fulci’s erotic mystery starts out with groovy sex parties and hallucinations, but quickly gets dull in the middle with extended scenes of psychological assessment, only to wind up where we all started. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Lodge - A good exercise in isolation horror that, while a bit slow, ratchets up the tension and horror with each act. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Damn kids.

The Lost Boys - A fun, campy 80s vampire flick you’ve likely heard of or even seen. I get why it’s cemented in popular culture, but at the end of the day it’s a Joel Schumacher film with a silly plot. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Love Witch - Somewhere between earnest satire and homage, The Love Witch is a well-crafted throwback to 1960s schlock. Weaving in contemporary gender critique, the film is more than just a rehash of its sexual fore-bearers. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Mandy (2018) - Like watching a bad trip from afar, Beyond the Black Rainbow director Panos Cosmatos (son of the Tombstone director) pulls off a trippy, dreadful film that starts out with story that follows logic and consequence before giving over to the full weirdness of Nicholas Cage’s uniquely unhinged style of acting. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Jóhann Jóhannsson’s score is superb.

Midsommar - Though not as good as Aster’s Hereditary, Midsommar sticks with you longer. Eerie throughout and disturbing, but not frightening in the traditional sense, it’s no surprise this film seems to split viewers into devoted fans and downright haters. Florence Pugh’s performance is wonderful and the scenes of drugged-out dread are far better than what was attempted in Climax. Some critics have called the film muddled and shallow, and certainly the “Ugly American” character fits in the later, but I found it to be a remarkably clear vision compared to the jumbled ending of Hereditary. That said, it’s not a scary movie, it’s simply unnerving. Should a male director and writer be the one to tell this tale? Probably not. But it’s not wholly unredemptive. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. I first gave this film 3 pumpkins, but the more I think about it, the more it lingers. That counts for something. One more pumpkin to be exact.

Mimic - Without del Toro’s name attached, perhaps this movie wouldn’t be judged so harshly. Yet, though the shadowy, lingering shots he’s know for give a real sense of darkness to the picture, it’s a chore to sit through and is especially frustrating toward the end. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Mist - Watch the black and white version, which adds an ol’ timey feel to this Lovecraftian tale from Steven King and makes always-outdated CGI a bit more palpable. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Monster (2016) - From The Strangers Bryan Bertino, this monster movie that ties in a trouble mother/daughter relationship doesn’t ever overcome its limitations and poor character decisions that get protagonists in deeper trouble. Zoe Kazan does what she can to carry the role. Not bad, but not much below the surface. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Monsters (2010) - A slow-burn that relies on its actors to push the suspense of a road-trip-style plot, leaving the special effects for subtle and beautiful moments. Arguably more of a sci-fi thriller than a true horror flick, it’s still worth viewing if you’re looking for something spooky. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

mother! - Like many of Aronosky’s films, mother! is difficult to define by genre. Though not a typical haunted house film, the bloody, unsettling aspects make it more than a typical psychological thriller. Haunting in a similar fashion of Black Swan, yet broader in theme like The Fountain, this movie is challenging, disturbing and frustrating in the sense that, as a mere viewer, you’re left feeling like there’s something you’ll never fully understand despite being beaten over the head. An not-so-subtle allegory about love, death, creation, mankind, god, and the brutality women must endure, it’s a hideous reminder that, upon even the briefest reflection, life’s cosmic journey is macabre. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Ms. 45 - Ahead of its time, especially considering the unfortunate “rape revenge” sub-genre that seemed to cater to male fantasy than female empowerment. Still, it’s slow build and random scenes toward the finale leave it wanting. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Oh, the knife is a dick. I get it. 

Murder Party - A bit like Tucker and Dale vs. Evil, but for New York art kids. Even for being a horror comedy, there’s only like 20 minutes of horror, which is too bad as there’s material to mine instead of a prolonged rooftop chase scene. If this was a studio production, it’d probably just get 2 pumpkins, but given it’s $200k budget and at-the-time unknown cast, it’s a solid first feature for Jeremy Saulnier and Macon Blair, who went on to make some truly great films. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

National Lampoon’s Class Reunion - Flat out awful; neither a comedy nor a horror. Writer John Hughes claims he was fired from production, though that doesn’t hold much water considering he’s credited as “Girl with bag on head” and went on to write several other Lampoon movies. Director Michael Miller didn’t make another feature film for almost thirty years, which wasn’t long enough. 0 out of 5 pumpkins.

Near Dark - Kathryn Bigelow‘s sophomore film is hampered by its ultimate ending, but the story is original and well produced. Even Bill Paxton’s over-the-top performance is enjoyable. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Worst. Vampire. Ever.

The Neon Demon - A spiritual successor to Suspiria, this film from Drive director Nicolas Winding Refn is beautifully shot, but ultimately empty. While both Jena Malone and Keanu Reeves breathe life into their small roles, the cast of models rarely shine. The horrific ending goes a step too far without lingering long enough to truly shock. Though much better than the extremely similar Starry Eyes, it’s difficult to give this film a higher rating. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Worth watching for a couple standout scenes. 

Night of the Living Dead - Viewed today the film seems almost tame, but in 1968 it was lambasted for being too gorey and sparked calls for censorship. And to its credit, there wasn’t anything else like it at the time. Romero’s incredibly small budget, Duane Jones‘s great performance, and the film’s unintended symbolism make its success all the more impressive. Kudos to MoMA and The Film Foundation for restoring this important piece of cinema history. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. I argue this is a sci-fi film, if you think about it.

A Night to Dismember (The "Lost" Version) - This version appeared on YouTube in the summer of 2018, decades after it was originally filmed. The version that was released in 1989 on VHS, and later in 2001 on DVD, was entirely re-shot with adult film actress Samantha Fox after a disgruntled processing employee destroyed the original negatives. The re-shoot gave the released version of movie its “sexplotation” vibe that director Doris Wishman was know for producing, but he original version is more of a straight-forward psychotic slasher movie with only a scene of campy nudity and stars Diana Cummings, instead of Fox. Gone is the striptease, sex hallucinations, detective character, and asylum plot that were slapped together in the released version, leaving a still somewhat jumbled story of a young woman who goes on a killing spree after becoming possessed by her dead mother, who died in pregnancy, leaving her an orphan. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Poor Mary. Poor Vicki.

Nightmare on Elm Street - Why this movie sparked a generations-long series is almost as puzzling as how Children of the Corn pulled it off as well. The movie flat out ignores basic storytelling devices. Recalling the overall plot, you’re not even sure if the main character is better off alive or dead, given the horrifying reality she already exists within. Consider this: Her father is an authoritarian cop leading the world’s worse police force and her mother is a drunk, possessive vigilante arsonist. University doctors are so inept they focus solely on Colonial-era medicine to the point of ignoring a metaphysical phenomenon, believing teenage girls are attention-starved enough to smuggle hats embroidered with a dead child-killer’s name inside their vaginas to a sleep deprivation study. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. So much for the classics. At least this gave us the future gift of inspiring Home Alone-style defense antics.

Not of This Earth (1988) - This film, and I mean that artistically, was made because the director, Jim Wynorskin, bet he could remake the original on the same inflation-adjusted budget and schedule as the 1957 version by Roger Corman. Traci Lords makes her non-adult film debut and is a better actor than the rest of the cast combined. The gem isn’t so bad it’s good, it’s so godawful it’s incredible. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. I was looking for the trashiest horror movie on Netflix, and I believe I have found it.

One Cut of the Dead - Know as little as possible going into this one. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. It’s impossible to not enjoy this film.

One Dark Night - Starts out interesting, but quickly gets forgetable even with the central location of a haunted cemetery. Worth putting on the background. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Aaaaaadddaaaammmm Weeeeessssst.

The Others - Well-paced, nicely shot, superior acting by Nicole Kidman, ominous tone through out, great ending. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. One of my personal favorites.

Pan's Labyrinth - del Torro’s best work, combining the tinges of war dread and the fantastical elements that would go on to be a key part of his other films. Pale Man is one of the creepiest monsters to ever be captured on screen. Perhaps the biggest horror is that though you’ll cheer for the anarchists, the historical fact is that the Nationalists won and established a dictatorship for nearly forty years. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. No god, no country, no master.

The People Under the Stairs - When the main character of a horror movie would be better placed in a zany after-school sitcom, the entire story is bound to fail. Little did I know how far. Twin Peaks actors aside, the rest of the this movie is so convoluted and poorly explained that it made me hate Panic Room somewhat less. They can't all be winners. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. At the end of this movie, a house explodes and money rains down on poor, mostly black people. Thanks, Wes Craven!

Pet Sematary (2019) - Uninspiring, uneven, and mostly uneventful. 1 out of 5 pumpkins.

Poltergeist - If you haven't seen this Steven Speilberg produced & written, but not directed horror movie, it's worth a modern viewing. Original, yet tinged with all the classic elements of fear, this movie manages to tug on the heartstrings like a family-friendly drama while still being creepy as hell. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. The best, most expensive Holiday Inn commercial ever made.

Pontypool - Good, but not as great as hyped. Characters are introduced haphazardly and the explanation for the horror barely tries to make sense. Still, not bad for a movie with essentially three characters stuck in a single location. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Possession (1981) - Described by some die-hard horror fans as a “must see,” I guess I agree. It’s by no means a masterpiece, but it’s bizarre enough to take the time to check out. It’s a sort of Cold War psychological horror as if written by Clive Barker and directed by David Cronenberg. Of course that comparison is necessary for American readers, but Polish director Andrzej Żuławski is an art-house favorite, whose second film was banned by his home government, causing him to move to France. Often panned for “over acting,” Isabelle Adjani actually won best actress at Cannes in 1981. Though, you may find one particular scene as if Shelley Duvall is having a bad acid trip. Part of the appeal of seeing this film is the difficulty in finding a copy. The DVD is out of print, and the new Mondo Blu-ray is limited to 2,000 copies at $70 a piece. Good luck. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. If you’re looking for something weird and very European, seek it out.

Prometheus - Perhaps because Ridley Scott’s return the franchise was expected to be such a welcome refresher after the abysmal failures of others in the series, this one was a pretty big let down. Though there are some cool concepts and frightening scenes, there are anger-inducing plot mistakes and zero sympathetic characters. Michael Fassbender’s performance is terrific, yet not enjoy to be an enjoyable view. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Psycho - Not as great at The Birds, but still one of the best. The superb shots, painfully slow clean up of the first kill, it’s no wonder why the film is landmark for horror. Anthony Perkins is tremendous. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Remember when Gus Van Sant remade this shot-for-shot for literally no reason and lost $30 million? It’s like he has to make one really terrible bomb after each critical hit and then crawl back again.

Pumpkinhead - The production quality of this 80s horror flick is surprisingly high, especially the Henson-like monster. Long story short - asshole dude bro accidentally kills hick kid, hick father calls up demon to seek revenge. All in all, not a bad movie. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Given the title, the monster's head in this movie is shockingly not very pumpkin-like. Boo.

A Quiet Place - John Krasinski gets a lot of credit for playing a well-intentioned father, which is an easier bridge to his well-known character from The Office, rather than a military member, like in many of his other projects. Emily Blunt is wonderful as is Millicent Simmonds. The creatures are scary, reminiscent of The Demogorgon in Stranger Things, and the plot is decent, even without much of an ending. I’ll be honest, I didn’t really want to enjoy this film as much as I did. It seemed too “mainstream.” And, it is. But it’s also a well-executed, well-acted, well-produced product, which is much more difficult to pull off than it sounds. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Worth recommending to friends who aren’t even horror fans.

Rabid - No where near the level of Cronenberg’s best or even his subsequent film The Brood, but still very good. Apparently Cronenberg wanted Sissy Spacek to play the lead, but was shot down by the producers. Obviously Marilyn Chambers was selected to play up the porn star angle in the hopes of greater marketing for the indie, horror film out of Canada, but she does a great job in her first mainstream role. If you like any Cronenberg has done, you should watch this one. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Raw - A terrific coming-of-age, sexual-awakening, body-horror film that manages to retain its heart even as it pushes the limits. One of the best horror movies of the last decade. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Nom-nom.

Re-Animator - Creepy actor Jeffrey Combs is also in The Frighteners, which makes it a good nod in that flick. "Say hello to these, Michael!" When you see it, you'll get it. What can be said of this movie? It's crazy. It's great. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Gory, campy, funny and scary all at once, a definite classic.

Ready or Not - I wouldn’t go so far as to call this movie “clever,” but it’s certainly better than its absurd premise. Samara Weaving’s performance is really the only thing that keeps people watching. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Killing all the attractive help is played off as a joke, but . . . it’s not? At least rich people die.

Repulsion - After having to listen to her sister being drilled by some limey prick night after night in their shared apartment and a series of unwanted street advances triggers her past trauma, a young woman rightfully kills a stalker turned home intruder and her rapist landlord. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Return of The Living Dead  - This movie doesn’t give a wink and nod to horror tropes, it reaches out of the fourth wall to slap you in the face to create new ones. There’s an entire character that is just naked the whole movie. I understand that just because it’s a joke it doesn’t mean it’s not still sexist. But, also, you know, boobs. 4 out 5 pumpkins. What was created as camp became the foundation for modern zombies.

Return of the Living Dead III - A love story of sorts that takes a more series turn than the original. At first, I didn’t enjoy the uneven balance of camp and earnestness, but it oddly grows on you. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Worth watching to see what you think.

The Ritual - A Netflix original that is better than it needs to be about regret, trauma, and fear that gets right into the action and wraps fairly satisfying. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Rosemary's Baby - If you're looking for a sure party killer this October, put on this number and watch your guests fall asleep! Often forgot, the beginning and end of Rosemary's Baby are terrifying, expertly filmed scenes of dread, but the middle is a two-hour wink to the film's conclusion revolving around an expectant mother. Still, few other films can capture fear the way Polanski's does; all the more impressive that it stands up today. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. If you haven't seen this film, you owe it to yourself to watch it this season.

Scanners - Cronenberg’s 1981 film feels like a much more successful version of what De Palma attempted with The Fury. Dark, paranoid, and ultra-gory in key scenes, Scanners isn’t quite the perfect sci-fi horror, but it’s damn close. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Scream - For a movie that birthed an annoying amount of sequels and spoofs, it's sort of sad that Wes Craven's meta-parody ended up creating a culture of the very movies he was trying to rail against. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Worth watching again, even if you saw it last year.

Sea Fever - A good, but not great, tense thriller on sea. Plus, an important lesson in quarantine. Ultimately, it doesn’t go far enough to present its horror. A well-made, and even well-paced film with a limited cast and sparse special effects, though. There’s nothing explicitly “wrong” as the movie progresses, but a tighter script and bigger ratcheting of the horror could have made it a classic. The ending is kinda cheesy the more I think about it. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Could’ve used a sex scene with some impending doom is all I’m saying!

The Sentinel - I really wanted to love this one. Downstairs lesbians! Birthday parties for cats! Late 70s New York! Alas, its shaky plot and just baffling lack of appropriate cues make it mostly a jumbled mess only worth watching if that slow-burn 70s horror aesthetic is your thing. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Shallows - Mostly a vehicle for Blake Lively’s launch from TV to the big screen, this movies isn’t particularly good or bad. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. The shark has a powerful vendetta against Lively. What did she do?!

Shaun of the Dead - First in Three Flavours Cornetto, some of the jokes don’t land as well as they did in 2004, but still a great spin on the zombie genre with loads of laughs and a bit of heart. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Shining - The pinnacle of the form. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. "So why don't you start now and get the fuck outta here!" Harsh, but come on, Wendy kinda sucks.

Shivers - Cronenberg’s 1975 shocker flick is . . . fine. You certainly get to see how some of his body horror themes started. Cronenberg himself seems to see it as more of a film to watch to understand what not to do as a young director. If you’re a completist, definitely check it out. Otherwise just skip to 1977′s Rabid, if you’re looking for Cronenberg’s earlier work. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Not bad considering it was shot in two weeks.

Silent Night, Deadly Night - Whoo, boy. This one’s a ride. A decidedly anti-PC flick that caused calls for boycotts when it was first released, this movie is full of assault and uncomfortable situations. It’s also hilarious, gory, and worth watching in a large group. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Punish.

Sleepaway Camp - I must be missing something, because like Children of the Corn, I can’t understand why this movie became a cult-classic. A guy who openly talks about wanting to rape children is gruesomely maimed, so there’s that? I guess. A couple of these “kids” are definitely 34, while others are 14. Is this the basis for Wet Hot American Summer? I don’t know or care. 2 out 5 pumpkins. Just watch Friday the 13th.

Slither - Almost on the level of other spoofs, but with a few groan-worthy moments. Definitely one to watch if looking for something fun. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Not for the bug fearing.

The Slumber Party Massacre - Rita Mae Brown wrote this movie as a parody of the slasher genre that spawned so many Halloween copycats. It’s a bit unfortunate that we didn’t get her version. Author of pioneering lesbian novel Rubyfruit Jungle, Brown’s script was turned into a more straight-forward flick, giving the movie some baffling humor, like when one of the girls decides to eat the pizza from the dead delivery boy, and some untended humor, like the Sylvester Stallone issue of Playgirl. Lesbians undertones still prevail, as do lingering shots of gratuitous nudity, and enough phallic symbolism to write a paper about. All in all, a fun, albeit uneven movie with pretty decent dialogue. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Fun fact: Director Amy Holden Jones got her start as an assistant on Taxi Driver, passed on editing E.T. after Roger Corman offered to finance early filming for her directorial debut, and later went on to write Mystic Pizza, Beethoven, Indecent Proposal, and The Relic. Bonus fact: Playgirl was able to get nude photos of Stallone based on his first movie The Party at Kitty and Stud’s (aka The Italian Stallion), for which Stallone was reportedly paid $200 to star in during a period in his life when he was desperate and sleeping in a New York bus station.

The Slumber Party Massacre II - If the first movie was a knock-off of Halloween, this is a bizarre rip-off of The Nightmare on Elm Street with a rockabilly twist. It’s hard to tell if this is a parody or a sort of musical vehicle for the Driller Killer, who—to his credit—is somehow almost charismatic enough to it pull off. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. Somehow the weirdest movie I’ve ever watched.

The Slumber Party Massacre III - A return to form, in some respects. All the elements of the original are there: a slumber party, gratuitous nudity, a drill. But the driller killer’s poor-man’s Patrick Bateman character quickly becomes tired. Not terrible for a slasher flick, but not very good either. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. How many lamps to the head can Ken take? 

Species - If I asked you to name a movie staring Sir Benjamin Kingsley, Alfred Molina, Forest Whitaker and Michelle Williams, would you guess Species? No, no you fucking wouldn't. We all know Species, but I, like most, erased it from my memory. This was helpful for two reasons: first because for about the first half of the movie, you think there might be a decent flick happening - baring some obvious flaws of a blockbuster. Second because - holy shit - you get to see a ton of naked breasts in this movie, like way more than I remember. Unfortunately, about halfway through Species someone must have come in and realized having the B-squad Scully & Mulder be one step behind every instinct killing was boring as shit, and flashing tits every 20 mins wasn't going to hack it. Whatever Hollywood dickbag crafted this turd failed to realize the casting of the actor forever known as Bud from Kill Bill is the only white, macho-postering character that morons want to root for. And so we get a squint-faced protagonist getting blow jobs from a coworker scientist and an ending dumber than the boob tentacles he should have been strangled with. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. There are worse horror movies, but there are also much better ones.

Starry Eyes - A thinly-veiled critique on Hollywood’s abusive history with actresses, the movie starts out well, but lags in the third act before a gruesome finale. Sort of a low-rent Mulholland Drive. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Watch out for that barbell, Ashley. 

The Stuff - Odd, mostly because of its uneven tone. Like if The Blob, The Live, and Canadian Bacon raised a baby and that disappointed its parents, like all babies eventually do. There are some good horror and comedic moments, but none of which make it great. The sound editing is remarkably bad, and the poor cuts make no sense given its scope. Oh well. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Suspiria - More of a focus on set, sound, and color than characters, Suspiria is reminiscent of the Japanese classic House, but with a more straightforward story. The Italian director, English language, and German setting make for an interesting, offbeat feel that adds to the overall weirdness of the movie. One cringe worthy scene in particular makes up for its immediate lack of logic, and the soundtrack by Goblin stands up on its own. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Sexist note: there’s a shocking lack of boobs given the subject matter.

Suspiria (2018) - Another in a long line of unnecessary remakes, though technically more of an homage. Luca Guadagnino’s version was supposedly developed for years alongside Tilda Swinton, who plays three different characters. Truthfully, without any attachment to the original, this could have been a muddled, but remarkable film. Thom Yorke’s score is perfect in certain scenes, yet detracting in others. The plot is similar in this manner. Some scenes are haunting and dense, but others needlessly detailed. The dance scenes are terrific, but weighed down by the larger war themes. The ending’s gore-fest is hampered by too much CGI, but still demonically fun. Fans of the original won’t find the weird, colorful elements to love, but it’s a good movie, albeit thirty minutes too long. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Taking of Deborah Logan - Good premise; found footage in the vein of Blair Witch Project of a demon possession disguised as Alzheimer’s disease. But, the movie can’t decide if it wants to stick to its foundation of a student documentary or veer into the studio-style editing and affects of theatrical release. Which is unfortunate as the former would have made it stand-out among a pack of mediocre ghost stories, while the later distracts from the setting it seeks to establish. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Teeth - A movie about the myth of vagina dentata could have been absolutely deplorable, but with the bar so low, Teeth does a pretty good job. Jess Weixler is a functional actress, not necessarily stand-out, but certainly far better than the role requires. Trying to tightrope walk between comedy and horror is never a task a creator should set out upon without a clear vision. Unfortunately, this one seems a bit blurry. One its release, Boston Globe said the movie “runs on a kind of angry distrust toward boys.” Not bad advice. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Terrifier - Do you want to see a naked woman hung upside down and sawed from gash to forehead? Then this is the movie for you. That’s it. There’s not much else here. Gino Cafarelli is good as the pizza guy. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. The clown is scary, though.

The Terror - A classic haunted throwback from Roger Corman, but without the nudity and gore his later work is infamous for. A young Jack Nicholson proves he was always kind of a prick. Boris Karloff does his best. The plot is pretty boring, but it’s a decent movie that you might stumble upon on a lazy afternoon on cable TV. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre - Tobe Hooper’s 1974 persuasive argument for vegetarianism is just as terrifying today as it was when it was released. Just as Halloween launched a thousand imitators, the hues and low angles in this film set the standard for horror for years and, unfortunately, laid the groundwork for more exploitative movies offered referred to as “torture porn.” Though gory, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre’s sense of weird dread is established well before the chainsaw rips, and though many have tried to follow in its footsteps, none have captured the lighting that adds to the overall queasy moments of the film. There’s a kind of simplistic beauty to such unexplained brutality, and perhaps because it was first, all others since haven’t seemed as artistically valuable. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. So, umm, what do you think happened to the Black Maria truck driver?

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003) - The only decent carry over from this remake is John Larroquette as the narrator. Over-washed tones, over-the-top gore and unsympathetic characters make this film more than unnecessary, placing among the worst horror remakes of all time. Robert Ebert gave it one of his rare 0 stars, reserved for works he found genuinely appalling such as I Spit On Your Grave, The Human Centipede 2, and most infamously John Waters’s Pink Flamingos. 1 out of 5 pumpkins.

They Live - “I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass… And I'm all out of bubblegum." 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Thing - Trying to give this film an honest review is almost impossible. Cast out on its release for being too bizarre and gory, Carpenter’s nihilist tale has since come to be seen as a masterpiece for its special effects, bleak tone, and lasting impact on other creators. Is it perfect? No, but it’s damn close. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. MacReady’s assimilated. Deal with it.

Train to Busan - A bit too predictable, but a solid, well-paced zombie action flick that’s smarter than most American blockbusters from Korean director Yeon Sang-ho, who is better known for his semi-autobiographical animated features. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Tucker & Dale vs. Evil - I really didn't expect much out of this movie, but it's actually really, really funny and a really gory spoof. Not quite on the scale of The Cabin in the Woods, but still pretty damn great. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. If you don't think people getting hacked up by a chainsaw in certain contexts can be funny, then this probably ain't your bag.

Twins of Evil - An enjoyable, somewhat smutty vampire movie from the famous British studio Hammer Films, staring Peter Cushing and Playboy Playmates the Collinson twins. Directed by John Hough, who also directed The Legend of Hell House, the film doesn’t break any new ground and is loaded with over-acting, but it’s well-paced, wonderfully set, and generally fun to watch, where the Puritan witchfinders are just as horrible as the vampires. Not as great as Black Sunday, but still worth viewing. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Let Joachim speak, you racists.

Under the Skin - Mesmerizing and haunting. The less you know going into this film the better. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Quite possibly Scarlett Johansson’s best work.

Under the Silver Lake - Technically a “comedic neo-noir,” whatever the fuck that means; in any case David Robert Mitchell (It Follows) tries to do too much over too long of a run time. Andrew Garfield gives a decent performance, especially considering he’s in almost every frame of the film. But the edge-of-subtly that made It Follows so modern and terrifying is replaced by a silk, wandering, and heavy-handed stroll through the powerful Los Angeles entertainment Illuminati. Certainly there’s material there, but instead of being a radical stab at the very real institutions of pop-culture that treat young women as nothing more than disposable meat, we drift in and out of a young man’s lust that revels in objectification without the sleazy charm of exploitation flicks or the critical eye of outright satire. Even the eerily presence of the Owl Woman can’t level-up what is an exercise in arrested development for hipsters. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Despite this negative review, Mitchell still has plenty of potential to make another great film. Whether he deserves that chance is different question.

Us - Jordan Peele’s second film is even better than his great debut. Us isn’t perfect, but hints at what Peele could create in the future. Unnecessary explanation and slightly oddly timed humor are present, like in Get Out, but more restrained. Peele’s talent for making modern horror accessible to the widest audience is laudable. Still, I can’t wait to see what he makes two or three films down the road. I suspect more than one could come close to equaling that of Kubrik’s The Shinning. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. 

Vampire’s Kiss - Is it a horror? Is it a comedy? Is it a parody? Drama? This movie truly defies genre due to the inexplicable acting choices made by Nicholas Cage. His odd affectation doesn’t change from sentence to sentence, but word to word. It’s like he’s trying to play three different characters across three different acts all at once. Is it good? Not really. But, I mean, see it. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Vampyros Lesbos - After vigorous encouragement from my academic colleagues, I decided to watch this 1971 Spanish-German film for, umm, science. Shot in Turkey and staring the tragic Soledad Miranda, Jesús Franco’s softcore horror jumps right into full-frontal nudity and attempts a sort of story involving Count Dracula that moves forward through uninteresting monologues and shaky camera work. It’s not awful, but there’s no reason to watch it. If it was playing in the background at a dive bar, it might have a tinge of charm. Other than some close moments of near-unapologetic queer sex, despite being created almost entirely for the male gaze, it’s just another in the pile of European exploitation. Still, it’s fun to daydream about Istanbul being ruled by a dark-haired demonic lesbian; beats the hell out of what we have in our reality. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. Fun fact: The soundtrack found renewed fame in 1990′s Britain, causing it to finally find distribution into America.

The Vault - A serviceable, but ultimately boring horror take on a bank heist that tries to hard to end with a twist. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

V/H/S - Every review I've seen for this movie is generally positive, but that only reaffirms my belief that most people are easily pleased by unintelligent, unoriginal bullshit. A Blair Witch-style story-within-a-story collection of shorts, I couldn't get past the first borderline date-rape, little-girl, sexually confused, monster story. Fuck this trope. Fuck this movie. The much delayed glorification of grisly murder of the offending male villains is hardly radical and only further supports the stereotypes of patriarchy much as it attempts to subvert a worn genre. 0 out of 5 pumpkins. I hate the world.

Videodrome - Cronenberg’s best film. James Woods’s best role; it’s a shame that he’s total piece of shit in real life. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Long live the new flesh.

The Wailing - Despite clocking in at over two and half hours, this part zombie/part demon horror movie from Korean director Na Hong-jin isn’t a slow burn, but rather an intriguing maze of twists and turns as the main character (and audience) struggles to find the truth about a mysterious, murderous diseases sweeping through a small village. Actor Do-won Kwak gives an especially captivating performance. Though the ending packs a powerful punch, the overlapping lies and half-truths told over the course of the film makes it a bit difficult to suss out the evil roots. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

We Are Still Here - What sets out as a slowly paced ghost story turns into something of a gore-fest towards the ends, which doesn’t make it bad so much out of place. 3 out fo 5 pumpkins. Could’ve been a contender.

We Are What We Are - A remake of Jorge Michel Grau’s 2010 film, the American version takes its time getting to the horror before going a step too far at the end. Still, the ever-present knowledge that you’re watching a cannibal film makes some of predictable moments all-the-more horrifying. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Wes Craven’s New Nightmare - The novel charm of Craven’s meta Freddy saga has worn with age. Heather Langernkamp is passable, but not enough to carry the film and Robert Englund out of makeup shatters the pure evil illusion of his character. Interesting to see some of the ideas that would later synthesize in Scream, but otherwise kind of a bore. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Witch: A New-England Folktale - A deeply unsettling period-piece that reflects on American religion and its violent fear of feminine power. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Trust no goat.

The Witches - Roald Dahl’s story is ultimately crushed by a changed ending, however, Nicolas Roeg‘s adaptation up to that point is a fun, creepy movie people of any age can enjoy. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. It’s really a shame the original ending was changed.

Wolfcop - When a movie’s title promises so much, maybe it’s not fair to judge. But there’s so much campy potential in a werewolf cop picture that it’s kind of a bummer to see it executed at level that makes you wonder if it wasn’t made by high school kids whose favorite movie is Super Troopers. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. God, the movie’s horrible.

The World’s End - The final chapter in the Three Flavours Cornetto and the best, showcasing a wealth of talent at the top of their game. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

XX - Admittedly, I don’t care much for the recent spring of short horror anthologies. Rarely do they have enough time to build the necessary suspense horror movies require. Still, two of the shorts are OK, one is pretty good, and one is bad. So, not a total loss. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

You’re Next - Home-invasion horror as never been my cup of hippie tea as it feeds into the 2nd Amendment hero fantasy of American males. That said, this dark-comedy take on it isn't bad. Some things don’t really add up. For example: Are you telling me that the deep woods home of a former defense corporation employee doesn’t have a single gun stashed somewhere? Bullshit. Anyway, who doesn’t want to see a rich family’s bickering dinner interrupted by a gang of psycho killers? 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Bonus rating: 6 out of 10 would fuck in front of their dead mother. (Sorry, mom.)

Zombeavers - No one would say this is a good movie, but it also doesn’t take itself too seriously. Not at funny as Tucker & Dale vs. Evil, and certainly more formulaic, this one’s only worth watching if you’re bored. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Zombi 2 - Lucio Fulci’s unofficial sequel to Dawn of the Dead is one of his best films. But even though Fulci crafted some of the best zombies to ever appear on screen—filmed in the bright, Caribbean sun, the film suffers, as most of his do, from some unnecessary, borderline confusing plot points and poor dubbing. Still, well worth watching on a lazy day, especially for the final act, when the protaganists fight off a zombie hoard inside a burning church. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Bonus: topless scuba diving zombie shark fight, which is also my new DJ name.

[naorisososo]

Night Driving

Headlights flashed by every few minutes, as cars passed on my left side. The road was narrow, desperately clinging to the side of a rocky mountain face, and there was only a weak guardrail separating them from falling to their doom.

The thought popped into my head every time. I couldn’t help it. But I knew better. Plus, I convinced myself some time ago that I wasn’t the only one with dark thoughts like this. It’s what made me normal. Relatable, almost.

The map that sat on the dashboard flapped like the wings of a bird wishing to fly, but it was tucked away where it would remain flightless. The folded pages of the map were my guide to an escape. A relief from reality. There was a location in the middle of the national park I was driving to that was circled with thick, red ink. The smell made me lightheaded for a moment, but I reluctantly put the cap back on. Again, relatable thoughts.

The shapes of the clouds above had slowly melted away into nothingness, as the sun set behind the tall wall of pine trees that bordered the long, winding road I drove upon. It was almost pretty - the way the oranges melted into a raspberry purple hue, finally giving way into the dark midnight tone, as sparkles of stars twinkled above.

A splatter hit the windshield, as a bug met its end. I frowned, taking a moment to roll up my window before turning on the windshield wipers, hoping the fluid would remove its dead carcass from my view. A few dozen wipes would suffice before rolling down the windows again, letting the fresh air fill the cabin of the car. Why do we call it fresh air? This is the same air that the dinosaurs used to fart in, right?

The car in front of mine must be slowing down because their brake lights painted my hands and the passenger seat beside me red with caution. Don’t slow down. Go faster. No one would miss you if you just happened to crash into the car in front of you. Maybe that’s a bit too harsh. Oh well.

I slowed myself behind them, resting my hand against the cold frame of the window, tapping my fingers to some unknown beat. I couldn’t see anything else in front of that car since we were on a curve, but I was surprised there was any reason at all to slow down. It’s not like there would be traffic. At least, not where I was heading.

They opened their door, as their hazard lights clicked on. I watched as they scratched their head, slamming their door shut, and shouting at their useless car. I adjusted the angle of my rear-view mirror, checking to see there was no other car behind. I must have pushed too hard, as the mirror snapped off of its holder. I sighed, looking down at the cheap feature. Must be what I get for purchasing the first car I came across. I tossed it in the back seat, listening to the soft thud and bounce of it hitting the leather seat then coming to rest on the floor.

A few more minutes passed, as two cars slowly passed us by, staring curiously at the man who stood in front of his car, bent over, pretending to know what he was looking at as he fumbled with the guts of his car. One car was overly cautious, giving the man and his car plenty of room, almost rubbing up against the guardrail before centering their car back on the road. I tapped my fingernails against the dashboard, leaning my cheek impatiently on my other fist. I had places to be. Well, places to get lost in, would be more accurate. Couldn’t he have picked a better time to have his car breakdown? 

I honked.

The man quickly shot up, hitting the underside of his hood. He peeked his head out from behind, glaring at me, as I flashed my brights to further annoy him.

“Go around then, smart ass!” he shouted, flipping the bird at me. 

What a brilliant idea.

I shifted into reverse, being sure to give Mr. Repairman plenty of space, before slowly driving into the other lane of traffic. I smiled, flashing pearly whites in his direction, as I drove past. Neither of us saw what was coming.

The loud music echoed along the rocky surface, as a group of teenagers sang along to whatever song was popular on the radio at the time. They had just come back from skinny dipping in the lakes of the great national park that was just a few miles up the road. Their breaths stank with alcohol, as the high school quarterback sat in the driver’s seat while his girlfriend sat beside him, being egged on by their classmates in the backseat to give him a blowjob while he drove. 

“I’ll do it if you do it!” her best friend teased from the backseat, as she looked over her own boyfriend, kissing him playfully on the cheek.

“You hear that, buddy! We’re about to get lucky!” his teammate said, roughly patting the driver’s shoulder, as he slid his hand down his girlfriend’s backside, feeling the curve of her ass in his grasp, giving it a tight squeeze that caused her to giggle with glee.

The girlfriend in the passenger seat chewed softly on the tip of her thumb, as she looked at her curly haired football boyfriend who just looked so delicious earlier that afternoon in the water. 

Of course they made out and did other stuff, but a blowjob while driving? How exhilarating!

“Come on, baby, don’t be shy,” the driver offered, taking one hand off of the steering wheel to rub her left thigh. His fingers only inches away from something that grew wetter by the minute.

“Oh, alright...but this doesn’t leave the group! Promise?!” she huffed, looking at the duo in the backseat before giggling softly. “You must want me really bad, huh, babe?” she asked, leaning over the center console, and admiring the bulge she could see underneath his colorful chino shorts.

She placed her hand on top of the bulge, applying friction to excite him before undoing his waistband, and sliding him inside of her mouth.

He bit his lip, rolling his eyes back, only closing his eyes for a moment before coming around the curve to see my car driving around the parked car.

He cursed, quickly slamming on the breaks and swerving to avoid me, only to slam into the parked car instead.

The screech pierced my eardrums, as I swerved to the left to avoid their car that seemingly came out of nowhere, and off I went - through the guardrail and over the edge of the road.

The quarterback slowly lifted his head from the steering wheel, seeing his own blood dripping off of it. The windshield was completely shattered from the collision, and it took him a moment to see past the cracks of glass to notice the man pinned between the cars.

“Fuck! No, no, no…” he began to mutter to himself, as he tried to lift himself up out of the car, only to feel the weight of something in his lap.

He looked down to see a bloody mess.

His girlfriend’s face had tears streaming down her cheeks, with her lips pressed against the base of his cock. Her mangled neck looked heinous in the moonlight, as he now began to feel the pain radiate from his groin. Blood soaked through his shorts and into the leather car seat, as he pushed her off of him, only to realize his dick was still inside her messy muzzle.

He screamed with agony, as the initial shock dissipated, allowing the pain to fully greet him.

I fell.

Well, tumbled would be more accurate. It all happened so quickly that when I woke up, I had to remember what occurred just moments ago.

The coffee that had kept me warm during my drive was now in puddles on the ceiling of the car. What a hell of stain. 

So much for those godforsaken guardrails. They didn’t really guard anyone, did they?

I couldn’t feel anything below my waist, and the glass shards in my arms weren’t probably great for my health either. I didn’t bother pulling any of them out. There was enough blood all over me anyway. But I did spot a hole that I could try and pull myself out of. Emphasis on try.

I was way heavier than I remembered, as I slowly dragged myself up through the hole with my forearms, feeling the shards of glass dig deeper into my skin. It felt like my hands had fallen asleep and I felt millions of little pins and needles, but they weren’t pins and needles. No, it was glass.

Mr. Repairman was smart enough to put on his emergency brakes just in case his car decided to roll away from him. This maintained the traction his car had, as the highschoolers swerved, slamming him from behind, into the grill of his car.

He laid across the engine, whispering something about fixing his car, as his head just nodded repetitively - as if stuck in a loop. As the last bits of breath escaped his lips, bubbles of blood popped, splattering across the warm, dusty plastic of the battery.

The map got its wish. It flew alright. Flapping during the free-fall, the burst of wind picking it up and carrying it out of the opposite window into the cold night air. Gravity soon took its toll, pushing it down towards the carnage below, intermittently hitting a branch before ultimately landing just a few feet away from the wreck.

I couldn’t pull myself any farther. I just laid there, torso sticking out of the crumbled car, cursing my broken and twisted legs for betraying me too early. It wasn’t supposed to happen like this.

I was going to smile and strike up a conversation about the weather with the clerk at the entrance booth of the national park. I was going to ask about the best place to park, only to take a wrong turn and veer off onto a dirt road. I was going to leave the keys in the seat of my car, and wander off into the woods.

Someone would maybe discover my body a few days later, as they hiked through, seeing my bright red shoes sticking out of the leafy debris that lay scattered across the forest floor. There was to be a mysterious fog surrounding them, adding more mystery to my death. But no. 

Now I’m destined to die confined by this wretched car that was to be my last purchase. The headlights hummed softly, stretching their beams out past the trunks that surrounded me, almost pitying me before dimming to their own death.

Fuck. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. This is unfamiliar. This is unplanned. How unsophisticated. Now the only thing left of me will be the skid marks I left upon the road several stories above me.

What a shame.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This post was inspired by this writing prompt I found!

[polygamyff]

24. Part 6

This is so stressful it’s just turned out to be us vs them and I don’t want that, as I knew Marquis is just causing havoc that I do not want to be apart of. Shawn refuses to let him in this room and I am glad, I don’t want to know. Even Maurice’ mom tried it, she cried but I don’t want to know right now “mom, I want Reign to go back home. I will have to come back with you” rubbing my eyes, I am so tired “I know she won’t feed from the bottle now, so I will come. Just wait for Jay” I think Reign is feeling it, she knows things are wrong but I don’t want my daughter getting ill “that is fine but that is Maurice family? His father keeps looking at us” my mom said “it’s because they want to come in this room” seeing Jay walking by the family, he is huge and I can see him from here. I got up from the seat “I need to check on what is happening with Maurice, wait here” walking over to Jay “you good bro? I came as soon as she called, he is in hospital?” Jay said in shock to Shawn “yes he is, I need to see someone. Please walk with me” walking by Jay, I have been dying to leave the room. Marquis and I locked eyes, no words was spoken but from the look alone he is hating me “what happened to him? He is ok when I last saw him” Jay said behind me as we walked, I will have to explain after to him “Rachel, hi. It’s been an hour, what is happening?” I need more information “erm, I will check the computer. Nothing has come up of anything, I would say he is stable, did you manage to see him?” sighing out heavily “I did yes, but I need to know what is next. I know he is lacking in oxygen, are they doing the transfusion?” I need to know what is happening “excuse me, can you wait?” hearing Jay say behind me, looking behind me and then I see Marquis “my son, that is my son. I want to know, Joy please. Just wait there” god help me “they are starting the transfusion now, someone will be over, so just remain in the room” I just want Maurice better “ok, thank you Rachel” Rachel just stared behind me “look sir, I don’t care. Just back away” walking off quickly, I don’t wish to speak to any of them.

Jay stood right in front of me as I deal with Reign “you really not happy are you? It’s ok baby, we going home. I just need to know what is happening with your father” Reign gave me a questioning look and then she farted on me “thank you, I love you too. I need you to be strong for me too” placing her pacifier in her mouth “my baby girl” placing my daughter over my shoulder “Robyn?” some guy said my name “Robz” Damon’ voice “one moment” I am right in the corner, nobody can see me because of Jay “mom place the blanket over Reign” nobody has the pleasure of seeing my baby girl, my mom lightly placed the blanket over Reign, giving her enough gap so she can get air “yes I am here” walking around Jay “I am his mother, please! I need to know about my son” Joy and Marquis both barged in “Wade, earn your keep nigga” Shawn said, Wade woke his ass up and got up “keep your fucking mouth shut Wade!” Marquis shouted “look! We are not here for the feud, we want to speak to the next of kin” the room fell awfully silent “and who is that?” Joy said “according to the paperwork it’s Robyn” the doctor said “look, Marquis. Your son has given Robyn the power, I can only go on what he has given. But he has given you power back to you with your hotels that you gave him, that is what happens” Wade said “I don’t want the hotels! I want my son, he is my boy! He has a wife” Marquis said through gritted teeth “why has he given me the hotels back?” Marquis asked Wade “if he does die, he said he has other business ventures his daughter can have” I don’t want to do this right now “those new hotels, the ones that are truly his. I see what he has done” I am trying to be calm “look! I want to know about Maurice, screw your business” I spat, I didn’t want to shout but I have “thank you so he is going through the transfusion and his body is accepting of it, we just need to get the bad blood out. We will monitor him, but he is doing fine” Reign started to cry in my ear “thank you” I said turning around, that is all I want to know.

I need to get my daughter home, I need to settle her and feed her. I will have to leave my heart here while I do this “I am going Shawn, I need to see to my daughter. Please call me if anything, as soon as she is ok I will be back” my dad picked up the car seat, I placed a blanket over the seat so nobody can see her, nobody in that family does “Mom, dad I want you both to stay at the home with her. I will be ok, dad walk ahead of me please” I am so tired so I may fall asleep but I am scared, if I sleep and Maurice is there in my dreams I will probably just die in my sleep. Walking out of the room, it is so awkward doing this. I have their grandchild who I refuse to let see, his parents know but the rest don’t. I do see the worry on their face unlike the rest I don’t know but oh well, glaring over at Kellen being here. What even is his purpose coming, he started so much shit. My mom placed her arm around me as he walked by his family, it’s just so weird how his family work. Walking out of the hospital, I felt like I was in the twilight zone as a few more people in suits walked by me “wonder if this is the end of him?” looking behind me, glaring at the men not knowing if they was speaking about my man or not.

My daughter is drinking me alive, she is loving it. I am just in bed, snuggling Reign to calm her down. She is happy “you just wanted to be home, was you feeling the bad vibes? Because I was” lightly touching the side of her face, she is closing her eyes which is good but I did that and she did wake up once I took her off the nipple. Let’s try this again, I need to burp her though. Lifting Reign up, her head resting on my hand as I pulled my top down “it’s just me” my mom said before walking in, lightly rubbing her back “is she resting well now?” nodding my head “I think she was wanting some snuggles from mommy, she was farting on me at the hospital. She kept giving me concentration face before she farted, nasty ass” my mom smiled as she sat on the edge of the bed “I adore her so much, I honestly keep staring at her like she is real, my beautiful grandbaby” smiling down at Reign “shall we try the baby crib? You can pump then” sighing out “do I have too? My boobs need a rest, maybe the left side I could” a little bit of milk drool fell from her lips.

My eyes shot open “Robyn, you fell asleep pumping” my mom’ hand on my shoulder “oh god, I must have got comfy doing this. Is Reign asleep still?” I asked, my mom nodded her head “I was thinking” thank god my mom stopped the pump, my poor boobs “yes mom” reaching under my top to take off the pump from my breast “was thinking of taking Reign home with us, I just feel like I can take care of her more better. The home is smaller, I am scared I won’t hear her” that felt so good to come off my breast “oh, well mom. That is fine, you can take her, I trust you. Just take what you need with you, I understand” my mom breathed out “I am so glad, I just worry a lot. I think I will be better at our home, she means the world to me so she will be safe” smiling at my mom “it’s ok, Maurice and I both trust you. I just can’t wait to bring him home, I want my husband home” my mom sighed out smiling “I just worry, I don’t want you to be bullied by them people. His family are very rude, I don’t like it” nodding my head “well I don’t have Reign to worry about so I will show them who is boss, I know some of those people are there to see him die. I won’t let that happen” my daughter is safe here so I can just be me and show them who is boss, I won’t be abrupt with them unless they start.

Just wearing Maurice’ oversized hoodie, a bit of red lipstick, some shades. I took some clothing for Maurice because I will be bringing my man back with me, he is coming home with me “Jay” I shouted him, staring down at the keys to Maurice’ cars “yes?” he picked up Maurice’ bag from the floor “you can drive any car right?” I asked him “yes of course, any car I can drive. I am always insured for that” picking out the Rolls Royce keys “good, you’re driving me” holding the key out “oh, what if he don’t want that?” I shrugged “I am here so what can he say” Jay took the key from me “mom, have you taken everything you need” my dad placed Reign on the floor near the door, I know she is sick of that car seat “I have baby yes, we do have a baby crib at the home do don’t worry” crouching down to my baby “everytime I see you, you’re always all awake and staring at me like mom where are you going. The two Ts are going to spoil you so much, then mommy and daddy are going to give you so much love. I need you to be a good girl ok? I miss you” pressing a kiss to her forehead “I miss you already, you mean so much to me” I am sad that she will be away from me, I want her to always be close and I can’t have her close and that hurts.

Sitting in the back of the Rolls Royce, not anyone’s Rolls Royce’ but my man’ Rolls Royce. I just want him back with me, this is killing me inside. I know him and I know he would hate for me to be near that side of his family, I am going to put on my big girl’ panties on and face them. My daughter is safe at home so I can do what I need to do now, I just worry about her and Nalah is right. Why have Reign here, she is not safe just being here at the hospital. Jay opened the car door for me “so this staff parking you just used?” I bought my work pass, I will be using this for my own benefit now “yes, least we space close to the building too. I work here so why not use the perks” Jay laughed “you crazy, I will get the bag for you” fixing my bag on my arm “you know, the people in this hospital want Maurice dead. I don’t know if I can contain myself in the proper manner, the bad vibes in this place is getting to me” Jay walked ahead of me and looked behind at me “not surprising at all, he is high profile. Like random people outside this place, paparazzi. Like in my place of work, you see it all” Jay and I walked slowly towards the entrance “what do you mean?” I questioned “like, those people there. Just stood around, I know for a fact they won’t be regular people, they will have an agenda” I wouldn’t think that at all.

Walking behind Jay as we entered “excuse me, aren’t you Robyn?” I stopped abruptly staring at this guy, a few other people started to gather near me “Robyn Willis? Haven’t you given birth to the heir to the Davenport empire?” my face dropped staring at this man knowing my life “is it true? You have had his child, you are Maurice’ secret lover” Jay pushed the guy out of the way “move! Come, Robyn” Jay got in my view, how do they know me. Who are these people “Robyn, come” turning around putting my head down in shock “I told you, I know them. I have seem them before, they are from blogs and newspaper” shaking my head in shock “how do they know me!?” I spat, Jay stopped walking “someone must have leaked something, I am not sure. Just forget it for now, the main thing is Maurice. We need to see him” I don’t want to be exposed like this, my life.

I do find it hard seeing Maurice’ mom, it’s like she wants to speak to me but I won’t allow it. My eyes fell on the very group of men that was speaking bad on my man, saying if this would kill him off. Glaring at them like they are dirt “Robyn” Damon rushed over to me “let’s speak in the room” I said to him “I have finished now, but I stayed behind to wait on you” placing my bag on the chair, Damon closed the door “Maurice is on his second bag of blood but we had to delay it a little, we had to give him fluids through the IV to prevent the blood pressure from falling too low. The fluids will also help his kidneys get rid of donor red blood cells that his immune system has destroyed. His body seems to want to destroy them but it’s going well, it’s not bad at all” opening my bag “so he is on a drip? Is he breathing on his own?” grabbing my pass “he is, he’s not on a machine at all. He’s not woke up though, but we are watching him every fifteen minutes. Because he has had a transfusion before his body is just fighting it, but we will get there” nodding my head “thank you, walk me to the room Jay. Stay here” I just want to see him.

Placing my badge around my neck, I mean I am not in my uniform but still. I could say it’s an emergency, what can they say “I am going now Robyn, I have already worked twelve hours so I am tired” smiling at Damon “thank you, I do appreciate everything you have done. You didn’t have too and also you could have got in trouble for it. Thank you” Damon waved me off “it’s fine, and I am praying for him. He will be fine” waving at Damon “thank you” pulling the curtain shut a little, I am so glad to see the breathing machine gone but then there is the blood transfusion “Maurice, can you please get your body in gear. I know it’s hard, me and Reign need you and the doctors are fighting to keep you here. You really fucked up with this one” he must be going through pain “hello?” this female moved the curtain back “hi” I am not about to argue, I will cuss her out “I am looking after him throughout the night” she pointed at my badge “erm yeah, I work here. Not my department” she let out an oh “I am Sara” she introduced herself “Robyn, this is actually my partner. I was told to not come, I shouldn’t get in the way but how can I not” Sara pointed at me “I read in the notes, yes I did. You was the one to perform CPR on him? You saved his whole life, oh wow. Ok, well I understand. Just because we have many intensive care people here, we can’t do visitors, it gets stressful. We erm, well it was decided to keep Maurice asleep and not aggravate him to wake up, the fear of him waking up in pain, his body rejecting the blood is never easy. It’s not rejected all of the blood so we are clearing out the cells it killed off. He’s had a transfusion before, it gets difficult every time, we are working on a plan for him when he comes back around, he can’t be like this again. It’s painful for him but also not good for him, I am positive he will be fine, and I can promise you we are taking care of him” you know how good it is to hear such words “I don’t think I will ever forget the moment I had to do that, we just took our daughter home. I am on leave and we just took her home, so it’s pretty stressful” Sara smiled at me “you are very strong, I will leave you to him but just don’t stay here” nodding my head understanding why.

Touching Maurice’ hand “you hear that? You’re going to be ok, I can’t wait to see you awake. So then I can officially be angry with you, my heart can’t rest with you like this so I can’t be angry. Don’t ever invade my dreams like that again, god. You got me all the way fucked up with that, you was dying on me. You ain’t leaving me to this, I am not dealing with your family like this. So you got to wake up, I need to be angry with you” he looks so peaceful my baby, he is looking better so the blood has to be working with him “Reign is missing you, she is rather the diva already. My parents have taken her to their house, I wonder how she will be with them. My parents find our home too big but Reign is wanting her dad, she loves her snuggles. I know she is missing you teaching her Spanish, she knows something is wrong, my daughter is feeling it. I just want us to go home with our baby” that is all I want, I just want to close the doors and spend time with my family.

Slowly walking the lobby to go back into the waiting room, I had to laugh because Kellen is here and I don’t get why “so the purpose of is because?” I am ready to attack somebody so Kellen can be the first “he is my cousin, he near blinded me but we family” I snorted laughing “he didn’t hurt you hard enough if you can still see, you all here for one reason and we all know why, fuck you Kellen. You know you and that raggedy bitch got all the shit to come, this is why you are where you are, second place and you hate that. As soon as your bitch found out you was not the main man she didn’t want to know, heard she was already riding someone else’s big dick cause you and I both know you wasn’t performing well, Tiffany sent me that shit, that is how little! You meant to her, and this how little! You mean to me and my family. And next time you want to try and come between me and my family don’t fucking forget who the fuck will handle the money you use! It will be me, you all can stand here and wait for him to die but the last thing I will do is let any of you get any justice out of it, you can tell your fucking family it all, I do not fucking care. Everything is built on lies with you, the lot of you” hearing Leon’ shout at me “this is why he is where he is, him and his dad are both liars. We’re counting on him to not be back” Leon hugged me “I came as soon as I could” I want to kill him “I feel sorry for you, because he will be here. The next thing he going to do is be knocking on your door, mark my words” I am not playing with him “friend! Hey, come on” looking ahead of me “he called me mistress, the only thing that is a fucking mystery is your son in Germany. You are the pill inside Maurice every time, you play with his mind. That bitch is here for what! We all know what happened, we all know that marriage is dead. Why don’t you tell everyone here the real fucking truth daddy of the year” Leon put his hand over my mouth “you speaking too much” I haven’t even started yet, what is wrong with everyone “get inside now trouble” Jay said yanking me inside.

[jhsbrat]

stories that never were pt. 4

beautiful mane, i’m the lion. 

beautiful man, i know you’re lying. 

genre: stories that never were pt. 4

word count: 2,966

warnings: some fluff, mostly angst

Day 117

“Babe,” you giggle, holding on desperately to the bars of the roundabout, hair whipping around you as the world spins. “I’m gonna puke!”

Hoseok laughs but doesn’t stop, his breath coming out in quick pants as he pushes the playground contraption faster. Cheeks ruddy from exertion, his eyes nevertheless follow your movements as your hand slips from the bar and you allow yourself to lay back flat on the twirling disk. He waits for an opening and then slides onto it as well, settling himself against your side. You turn your head to look at his face, his dark hair falling against his brow and chest still heaving up and down.

“Fancy meeting you here.”

“I’d have to say the same.”

The two of you smile at each other dopily, the rotating movement of the roundabout making you a little dizzy.

“When you offered to go on a midnight walk with me, I didn’t think this is what you meant.” You sigh and burrow a little closer into his chest.

He chuckles and you feel the reverberation, the pound of his heart.

“Well, I wanted to show you my favorite place in the city to look at the stars,” he strokes a hand against your hair, down your back, tickling the dip before your jeans where light fuzz grows. “There’s just something really cool about looking up at the night sky while slowly spinning. It’s peaceful, you know?”

You move away from the warmth of his chest and turn your gaze upwards instead, eyes moving around the constellations watching you. “Yeah, it is a good view.”

Hoseok takes that moment to look back at you, drawing the hair back from your face to see you better. “A great view,” he says softly.

Day 244

You watch Hoseok execute another spin, then pause to look at himself in the mirror.

“Fuck,” he mutters under his breath, going back to his starting position.

You sigh and go up to him, hooking your chin on his shoulder. Beads of sweat roll down his neck. Parts of his white shirt have gone translucent with perspiration. You catch his gaze in the mirror, the reflection of your two bodies staring back at you.

“C’mon, you need a break. Let’s take a drive into the city. The monuments are beautiful at night.” You tease, nipping at his nape. The moisture there slips onto your tongue, but it’s been a long time since the taste of his sweat made you curl back in distaste.  

He smiles softly, but shrugs you off. “I just really want to get this down. The showcase is coming up soon. You can go home, I’ll meet you there later.”

Moving slowly, you walk around the dance studio to pick up your belongings before heading towards the door. Stopping at the entrance, you turn around to watch him one more time. He’s twisting in front of the mirror, moves sharp, eyes precisely following the movement of his limbs.

You leave.

Day 43

“Face it, you’re shit at beer pong!”

“Well, I’m sorry I spent most of my college career actually studying for class instead of partaking in Neanderthal drinking games.” You say as you walk up the steps to your townhouse, sliding the wristband with your key tied onto it off your arm.

Hoseok trips up the steps to your side. His cheeks had slowly gone red over the course of the night. It was true that during his four years at university, most of his Saturday nights were lazed away at random house parties, perfecting his free throw from the end of a ping-pong table. But your weekends post-graduation were consumed of getting absolutely hammered, courtesy of creepy guys at downtown bars and bad decisions. It had afforded you, at the very least, with a way better tolerance level than the man beside you.

“I think I’m going to hurl,” he mutters, hands stuffed in his pockets.    

You roll your eyes, but self-righteous isn’t a good look on you when you’re struggling to fit your key through the lock. Hoseok giggles and comes closer, trying to help, but it just results in your keys clanging to the floor instead. Both of you dive for them at the same time, butting your heads into each other.

You groan and slide to the floor of your stoop in defeat. “I’ll just sleep out here, no worries.”

“I may be stupid, but I’m not drunk and I’m not leaving you out here alone,” Hoseok clambers down to join you, then stares off into the distance. “Wait-“

You snicker and nuzzle your head into his shoulder. “That was cute.”

Hoseok grins, looking down at your face. “Wow, was that you expressing an emotion?”

You wrinkle your nose and straighten up. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, you’re kinda like a closed book, you know. I never really know what’s going on in there.” He taps the side of your temple and smirks, then flops down to spread out his limbs on your doorstep.

You blink, looking out into the empty street. “Did you want me to relay my every thought to you or something?”

He chuckles and you can hear how the sound travels up his chest, through his diaphragm, low and hearty. “No, not exactly. Just a little more vulnerability would be appreciated.”

“You’re awfully coherent for a drunk guy, aren’t you.”

He flips onto his side, long legs splayed out down the steps. “Drunk words are sober thoughts. Besides, you’re just trying to change the subject right now.”

You clench your jaw. “Fuck you, here’s me being vulnerable: Do you want to be my boyfriend?”

Hoseok looks up with a snap of his neck, mouth open like the breath had just been punched out of him. You stare back, determined not to regret your words. Intent on not letting out a laugh and excusing them by your drunkenness, the alcohol pounding your heart. There’s no way you’re taking them back now, no matter how much you want to, and you’ll just have to live with the consequences when he says-

“I thought you’d never ask.”  

Day 278

“You’re so bright. You’re like the sun.”

Hoseok grins at you quickly before looking back at the road, hands maneuvering the steering wheel in smooth motions. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

You shrug and lean your head against the car window, eyes watching the city whizz by you. The lights blend together and you blink, slow and hazy in your fog of tequila. He takes one hand off the wheel and drops it onto your knee, tickling the skin there softly.

“C’mon, tell me.” He’s coaxing, effortless.      

You roll your head over to face him again and take in his profile. The sharp jut of his nose and the curl of his dark hair against his forehead, it fills you with want deep in your gut.

“You draw people to you. It’s so effortless. You just give parts of yourself to every person you meet, so openly, like it’s easy. It makes people feel like they’re special and they come back for more.” You say it slowly, like you’re still thinking of the words before they tumble out of your mouth.

His hand squeezes and draws slowly up your thigh, cavalierly pushing up the skirt covering your skin. “You say that like it’s a bad thing to be liked.”

You’re still looking at him when you speak next, folding your knees up to hug them against your chest, knocking his hand aside. “I feel like there’s nothing left for me.”

Day 455

“Jimin, where’s my vanilla milkshake?” You look down at the table, an array of burgers and fries arranged on top of it.

The pink haired boy scoots over in the booth to make room for you. “Didn’t get it. You know you’re lactose intolerant and I won’t have you farting up a storm in my car on the way home just to satisfy your sugar obsession.”

You pout and plop down in the seat next to him. “Thanks, dad. Where’s Hoseok?”

“Right here,” your boyfriend jogs up to join you, sliding into the opposite booth seat. “Sorry, I was finding parking.” He leans over to give you a quick kiss on the cheek.

Jimin cocks a brow. “There was tons in the back when I got here.”

“I guess it filled up fast,” Hoseok shrugs.

You hum noncommittally and push over his plate. “Here, this one has no onions. I’ll give you my fries if you split your milkshake with me, Jimin refused to get me one-”

“Probably for good reason,” a soft voice lilts from beside you. “Swimsuit season is coming up, you know.”

An artificial rose scent cloys your senses and you scrunch your nose, looking up to see a girl standing next to you.  

“Hello, Satan. Nice outfit,” Jimin chirps, glancing down at the other girl’s skirt that barely grazed the tops of her thighs. “Aren’t you a little chilly without the heat of hell fire surrounding you?”

“Jimin,” Suji grinned, twirling a lock of her dark hair around her finger. “Why, are you offering to keep me warm?”

Jimin just snorted and returned to eating his fries. The other girl turned her gaze to your boyfriend.

“Hi Hoseok. Great workshop yesterday, I think I’ll sign up for another.”

“Thanks, Suji. That’s good to hear, hope I’ll see you soon.” He smiled politely at her. She shot you and Jimin another glance before waving goodbye, sashaying out of the restaurant.

You watch her walk out and other diners do too, heads turning to follow her figure. Then you shift to face your boyfriend.

“She was at your studio yesterday?”

Hoseok coughed and took a sip of his Coke. “Uh, yeah, she’s actually pretty good. We did a hip hop lesson and-“

The rest of his sentence is drowned out by the thoughts in your head, the way the other girl looked at him replaying in your mind.  

Day 12

“Then you would just multiply prior probability by posterior probability and divide by the normalizing constant. And that’s how you would use the Bayes rule to determine the likelihood of an event based on prior knowledge of the event conditions.” You look up proudly from the equations you drew in the salt on the table.

Hoseok blinks, eyes sliding back into focus. “Uh. So. That’s what you do at work?”

You falter a bit and start wiping away the salt back into the shaker, grinning sheepishly. “Sorry, I know it’s boring-“

“No, no!” Hoseok rushes to say, grabbing your hands to stop you. “I never said that, it’s just…nothing like what I do at work, you know? I talk all day for a living, nothing hard about it.”

You nod slowly. “I don’t think it’s difficult, it’s just math, right? Plugging in numbers and all.” The diner’s neon sign flickers on in that moment, casting both of you in its red light.

Hoseok snorts and twirls his finger through the pile of salt, drawing stick figures. “Yeah, to you. I still add things using my hands.”

You lips stretch, watching him erase the figure he had and start creating a flower instead. “Well, I could never do what you do. Talking to people all day exhausts me and I’m just not charming enough to be a real estate agent.”

He looks up then, pausing in his ministrations. “I think you’re plenty charming.”

Day 573

You’re too fuzzy to think coherently, too much noise and alcohol sloshing around in your head to draw out thoughts. So you speak them instead.

“He was drunk, Jimin,” you plead, more with yourself than the boy in front of you. “So am I, right? It doesn’t- it never-“

“Don’t finish that sentence,” your friend warns, jaw clenched. “It’s bullshit, an excuse, and you know it.”

Your lip trembles and brows draw together to furrow a little cavern in the center of your forehead. Hoseok always called it cute and it was why he could never take you seriously when you cried, preferring to coo and pinch your cheeks in adoration instead. Jimin didn’t share that feeling.

“It’s not, it’s the truth,” you hiccup, a rancid taste in your mouth. Tears are already threatening to spill over and down your cheeks, but you continue rambling. “It doesn’t matter when you’re drunk, you don’t know what you’re doing-“

“Honey,” the boy’s eyes have finally softened and that’s what finally breaks the dam for you. His arms circle around your body as you sob, gently petting away your hair so he can murmur in your ear.

“In my experience, what really defines someone is what they won’t do.”  

Day 1

“Jimin, I swear to god, I’m leaving in five minutes and your punk ass better be in the car with me or else you’re finding your own way home tonight.”

The boy in question blows out a breath of smoke, then pouts. His sunglasses have slid down his nose to reveal his eyes, strained red in the haze of the party. He throws an arm around his friend, stretching a bit to compensate for their height difference.

“C’mon, Hoseok, don’t be like that. The fun is just getting started. Here, you want a hit?” The pink haired boy offers up his tightly rolled blunt, but Hoseok just grimaces and shakes his friend off instead.

“Nah, what I want is to be snuggled up in my covers in approximately 15 minutes, with or without you.”

“Oooh, is that an invitation, Hobi?” Jimin grins lecherously at him. Hoseok just fixes him with a stare.

“Five minutes. I’ll see you outside.”

Hoseok turns and leaves his friend in the living room of the stranger’s house they were in, trudging down the stairs and back out into the crisp cold of the front lawn. He looks at his watch to check the time and sighs, pulling out a cigarette from his pocket to make his wait go by quicker. Then he hears a sniffle to his side.

Turning his head a little to the left, he sees you sitting on the curb at the end of the block, alone. Knees drawn up to your chest, arms and legs bare from the dress you had on. You were crying.

His eyes snap back to his hands in front of him. Determined to mind his own business and do his time until Jimin comes back out, he fits his cigarette between his lips and pulls the lighter up. He takes a deep inhale and closes his eyes. You sniffle again.  

Letting out a breath, smoke coiling out from his mouth, he holds the cigarette between his index and middle finger by his side and chews on the inside of his cheek. Another sniffle and he squeezes his eyes shut. Then he turns to face you again, words coming out in a tumble.

“Hey. What are you doing? It’s freezing and you’re basically naked.”

You startle and pick your head up from its resting place on your knees, twisting your neck to look over at him. The mascara around your eyes has smudged and the tip of your nose has gone pink. Your skin is furrowed between your brows and it’s almost endearing.

“What’s it to you?” You snap back.

Almost.

Hoseok’s brows shoot up. “Listen, I just wanted to make sure you weren’t going to die of hypothermia while I was here standing witness. Feel free to go back to doing so once I’ve finished this cigarette.”

You stare at him for a moment, then: “Can I have one?”

Hoseok blows out another breath of smoke, then chuckles, making his way over to you. “You’re lucky I feel bad for you.”

You ignore him in favor of picking up the cigarette and lighter he held out in his hand. Holding it in your fingers for a moment, you just stare at it before bringing it up to your lips.

“Other way,” he says, tapping the end with the filter. “Unless you enjoy smoking straight tobacco.”

You flip it around and then try lighting it. Hoseok reaches over to cup his hand around the lighter, trying to prevent the wind from interfering. You inhale deep and cough out the smoke hard, drawing an arm up to cover your mouth. He watches you in mild interest.

“If you’d never done this before, why’d you want to try now?”

You release a shaky breath and try again, taking a shorter inhale in this time before immediately blowing out the smoke again. Then you shrug. “Dunno. Seemed better than just sitting here and having you watch me in pity. Something to do, I guess.”  

The end of Hoseok’s lip quirks up. “Why were you crying?”

Bringing the cigarette back up to your mouth to suck in, your eyes cross to watch the end of it burn. You wait a second, trying to inhale the smoke deep before coughing it out again. Then you turn to look at him, eyes tearing up from the burn in your chest.

“You don’t care.”

“I cared enough to come over here, didn’t I?” He shoots back.  

You snort, then stub out the rest of the cigarette on the asphalt. He refrains from telling you it was a waste of his Marlboro.

“What’s your name?” You turn to look at him properly now, cradling your face in your hand. Your cheeks have started to go rosy now too. He wants to offer you his jacket, but something tells him you’d just ask him to fuck off.

He tells you and finishes his own cigarette, flicking its remains out into the street. You repeat it softly to yourself. “That’s a handsome name.”

He chuckles. “Won’t you tell me yours?”

You smile.  

e/n: come tell me your thoughts!!

[yamithediaperdork]

Speed Run (Ben 10, Hypermessing)

it was 9 in the morning when Ben Tennyson opened his eyes while wincing slightly from the bright light coming in though one of the rust bucket's windows. The 10 year part time hero whined softly, reaching blindly for a pillow to cover his face, annoyed to have been woken up from a dream where he was declared most awesome hero in the universe, while Gwen had been declared biggest baby. The irony of the dream wasn't lost on Ben, as his gurgling tummy made him sit up. the Blankets fell back and showed that while Ben was sleeping in a PJ top, he was also sporting a bulky diaper around his hips. Some unknown side effect of the watch had it while Ben could turn into different aliens, it had wreaked havoc with his bladder control. with a small degree of control during the day he could manage on pull ups, but at night he wore thick bulky diapers, made even thinker as he'd started to mess the bed as well. His tummy gurgled and let it know it's demands to be fed, so Ben slid out of bed and waddled over to the table, where there was a note.

'Ben, Me and Gwen went out on a nature hike. it started bright and early and know that's not your thing. should be back around 9:30ish. Change your own diapers and DON"T FORGET TO TOSS IT OUT!! Love max and Gwen.'

Ben chuckled, he kinda deserved that last one after mayybe putting a super poopie diaper in three plastic bags and putting it in a pillow cover..and putting said pillow in place of Gwen's pillow. Still the look on Gwen's face as she went face first into her pillow to relax and got a face of dirty diaper had been worth the spanking and 40 minute time out! But this morning he decided he could be a good boy, in theory at least, and so he could changed and tossed the soaked diaper into the diaper pail. one quick shower and dry off later and he slid on a pair of Paw patrol pull-ups, then his trade mark pants and shirt. Spotting some money on table, Ben assumed it was for him to go and grab something to eat at the little dinner that was part of the information center for the park. Given the choice between Grandpa's leftovers or runny eggs, Ben chose the less then stellar dinner and headed out, making sure to lock the rust bucket, but forgetting his keys inside.

Gwen was in a rotten mood as they headed back towards the center. what was suppose to be a mild and relaxing hike,m with fun facts being told about the area had been instead more of a forced march and no facts. Tired, achy and grumpy and now she got to come back and deal with Ben. 'I swear, if he didn't toss his fucking huggies out again..' Gwen thought, still made about what had happened the other night. gramps headed into the center to talk with the rangers supervisor as Gwen looked and spotted Ben in the dinner though a window. His stupid smug happy face, with his chin glistening with bacon grease while her belly was full of stale and heavy protein bars. Was it really any wonder that in a fit of pent up anger, Gwen might of unleashed a little bit of magical hell on Ben? swamping his fairly strong bowel control with his weak bladder control, expanding just how fast his body processed food, and heightening his ability to feel shame so it could be parleying. with it done, she retreated into the rust bucket, making sure to lock the door behind her and sat by the window as she pretended to read a book. 'And if Benny things this is all, he doesn't know what he's walking into.' Gwen thought with a smirk,.

wiping his chin and letting out a loud burp, Ben leaned back in his booth and patted his belly. "ah..that was good." he mumbled to himself, eyes closed. "uh, aren't you gonna say excuse me?" Came a disgusted female voice. Ben opened a eye, ready to tell off whoever was scolding him but as he looked on, it was a cute Asian girl, about his age and her black hair was in pig-tails. Her arms were crossed and she was giving Ben a look that all but said 'I'm waiting!' "I uh.. Hi my Ben is name." Ben said, giving her his best charming look and holding out a hand. as he clued into what he had said she giggled a little. "well then Name, aren't you going to say excuse me..for the belch." she said when he looked clueless. "J-Just Ben.. and Uh.. excuse me." Ben said and blushed, scooting over and offering her a seat. Or at least that was his intention. what actually happened as he went to scoot over was his guts churned and he let out a massive fart, and the padding in the booth didn't do much to muffle it. "...really?"  The girl asked, holding her nose and waving a hand. "I uh.. excuse me?" Ben said, rubbing the back of his head and then leaning forward and grabbing his tummy as he started farting again "G-gah!" he cried out, then even as the girl went to ask if he was alright, he was sprinting up. "Gotta potty!" Squirming past the girl Ben took off in a dead run, farting every step of the way as he raced towards the Men's room. he tried the handle and it wouldn't open, then he noticed the 'out of order' sign on the door. By this point the farts were totally wet and there was no chance in hell they weren't skid-marked, though Ben had bigger worries as he scrambled for the exit, willing himself to hold onto his back door bomb. the cramps got worse and people were staring and pointing, some of the other kids laughing and it slowed Ben down from a dead run to a brisk walk, sweating and waving as his face was beet red and his farted were coming out non stop. 'I'm not going to shit myself. I'm not going to shit myself. I'm not going to shit myself.' Ben mentally chanted in his head, wobbling as he made his way towards the rust bucket. 'I'm not going to shit myself. I'm going to shit myself. anddd I'm shitting myself..' Ben thought, so close but he couldn't even make it to the door before he finally lost the battle. gracefully going down onto his knees, Ben hunched over and braced his hands on the pavement, then cried out as hell was unleashed in his pants. The pull up put up a good fight but was baseball sized lumps started to come out of the boy, it was only a matter of time before the pull up gave up the fight and ripped, ruining not only the pull up but now his pants as Ben made a massive steaming load. as he finished disgracing himself, Ben looked up to see the girl from inside making a disgusted face as her parents hurried her to the car.

Right about then was when Gwen came out  of the rust bucket. as much fun as that had been to watch, she had much much worse plans for little Benny. "Ugh, really Ben? this is why i told you to wear your diaper, not a pull up.. come on stinky." She said, shaking her head. she was of course hamming it up for the crowd but was pleased when she noted how little fight was in Ben as she brought him inside. "heh, at least your pants are dry." She smirked as Ben looked down, confirming that while he HAD crapped himself, his front was dry. "Oh come on!" Ben huffed. "Look Ben.. were suppose to be here for a few more days..and I don't think that's going away any time soon." Gwen said as Ben huffed and whined. "Normally i wouldn't do this, but there IS a spell i can do, to give you a redo at this. I should warn you though, you have to er.. take on handicaps with it." "Just tell me it'll help me keep from crapping my pants." Ben said. "well yeah. also .the spell will only give you three shots.. soo Don't blown it." "Pffft Like I would." Ben said and Gwen smirked, and blasted him.

Run 1- Padded

Ben blinked, one second he had been talking to Gwen but now he was back in the dinner, and in clean pants. he had the last bite of his egg and bacon sandwich and looked around, spotting the Asian girl and smiling at her. instead of a smile back, she made a face and it was then he recalled he'd had food in his mouth at that point. Swallowing quickly he squirmed in his seat. It was as he squirmed he heard a noise he knew VERY well! The crinkle of his bulky overnight diapers! Squeezing his thighs together Ben quickly confirmed that he WAS wearing one of the DIAPERS in the dinner and hoped no on had noticed! he tried to draw on any memory from coming in and had a faint flash of him waddling over to the booth and the girl having smirked and called over to him to..oh god! Pull up his pants, his diaper was showing! He nibbled on the last piece of his breakfast in silence and blushing as the Girl got up and came over. "Hi I'm Julie. what's your name?" she asked, a pleasant smile on her face. "I Uh..I'm.." Ben stammered, butterflies in his tummy but he smiled back. "I'm Ben! that's right. Ben! B e n! Ben!" they both froze at what he had said, and the toddler tone he had used to say it. 'way to go dork, if she didn't think you were special before she does now!' Ben groaned, rubbing the back of his head and giving a sheepish smile. "Huh.neat. anyways...So my parents have been scolding me for teasing you. They said not to assume your just one of those little diaper boys and uh.. guessing their right. do you know where your mommy or daddy is?" Julie asked. Ben went to tell her thanks, but he could manage on his own when a sharp cramp like before hit him. 'But..but I was just farting at this point!' Ben thought before a thunder poot escaped into his diaper. the thick diaper did help muffle the sound though and Ben whimpered. "Please move hafa boom!" he said childishly, and started to try and get past Julie, ending up shoving her out of his way as he tried to run to the rust bucket. He made it as far as out the front door though as his guts churned and then he fell to his knees clutching his tummy. "Gonna go poopie!" he whined, tears welling up and then he was pushing out his back door bomb. the diaper held onto the load better then the pull ups, and just expanded and pushed, making Ben's pants expand and the seams start to rip as the massive formerly white diaper tried to strain though. The pants lost the war and Ben's bloated and stained diaper was on display for all to see as he started to wail.

Run 2- In the navy

Ben blinked as he was back in the dinner again, but this time he wasn't alone. Sitting next to him and keeping him pinned in was Gwen, who looked just as surprised as Ben to be there. At least until she got a look at what he was wearing and started to snicker. Ben went to ask what her problem was, but Gwen pointed to the window so he could see his reflection. Ben was in a white little sailor suit, with the short shorts and of COURSE was once again diapered. Only the white shorts didn't even try to hide his diapered state. "awww, aren't you just a lil cutie." Gwen teased and then pinched his cheek. "Owww! gweennn cut it out! let's just go back to the rust bucket OK?" Ben huffed, slapping her hand away and then making his demand, arms crossed and looking like a grumpy big toddler. "ah ah ah..Use your manners Lil Benny." Gwen scolded lightly, waging a finger back and forth. "BITE ME!" Ben huffed and glared definitely at her. For al of 3 seconds before seeing the look on her face. "I love you and we're family!" he squeaked out fast and put his hands together begging for mercy. "Anyone here mind if I spank a diaper boy brat? His diaper will be staying on, this is just a little reminding him of his place." Gwen called out. "nah, go for it." "let me get the boys out of her first.." Ben whimpered, but had a glimmer of hope. "Sure, he's been a brat all morning." "Don't bother me." After all, if enough people said no, they could just go to the rust bucket and- "Can I help?" Wait, why the hell was everyone agreeing with her!? and had Julie just asked to help!? "sure, though how much help I'll need depends on widdle Benny here. Are you gonna be a good big toddler and take your spanking like a man and brace yourself on the table. or do me and.." Gwen paused and turned to the girl. "Julie." "ah nice to meet you. I'm Gwen.. anyways Ben, does Julie have to hold you over the table while i paddle your padded rump?" Neither choice was all that appealing to Ben truth be told, but as he went to answer the question anther pressing matter appeared. he hadn't even felt the need before he just found himself standing up up the seat, bending his knees and grunting. eyes closed though whimpers loud, the seat of his shorts started to expand as Ben unloaded a mighty load into the seat of his diapers. Gwen moved fast to save the shorts and yanked them down to around his ankles, then backed away making a face as his rapidly filling diaper almost smushed her in the face. "Gah! Ben! what did you eat!?!" Gwen cried out holding her nose as the diaper sagged. A totally rotten smell filled the room and if Gwen hadn't of used magic to reinforce the diaper it would of leaked for sure. In the end Ben's diaper went down to his Kneecaps in the back, and the front was only slightly higher. "Holy hell little dude!" Julie said, jaw dropping. "C-Can we skip the spanking?" Ben asked while panting. "..yeah ok." Gwen said, eye twitching.

Run 3 - rocking that crinkle

Ben blinked and found himself back further then normal. In fact, he was back to just after shutting the rust buckets door. 'heh.. man. this is easy! I'll just avoid going inside and plant my butt on the pooper!' Ben thought. He tugged at the rust bucket door, and then recalled that he'd locked the door. "no sweat, I'll just reach into my..Pocket.." Ben trailed offed as he went to stick his hand in his pocket and only brushed his hand on slick plastic. and it was at this point the Ben realized he'd been attracting attention in the parking lot, what with being in nothing but a thick white diaper with teddy bears on them and a pair of paw patrol sneakers. "H-Heh.. No. No no no no.." Ben said, a nervous smile on his face as he tried the door again. and again.  "This is NOT happening. it's just not happening." No matter how much he may of wished it wasn't, it was. As he turned and faced the smirking and laughing crowd, Ben's bladder twitched and grew away, making some of the teddy bears vanish off his diaper. He whimpered and started to suck his thumb, tears welling up in his eyes as the crowd reacted as you'd expected. A big collective "D'awww!" Ben's poor mind was going on a humiliation overdose, and he was barley keeping from going to permanent baby brained as he stood there shaking, wishing he could get it together to go and hide at least. It was then as he was trying to avoid a permanent one way ticket to baby land that he heard Gwen's voice, and turned to see her. "BEN!? what are you doing?" She asked, looking confused. whether or not it was legit, Ben didn't care. "Talk later. inside now." Ben said, take a step towards Gwen and then  just popping a squat and grunting. "oh my god, Ben are you crapping yourself?" Gwen asked, wrinkling her nose. "Gross Ben! HEY EVERYONE! THIS GROSS LITTLE FUCK IS NOT DISABLED OR SPECIAL, HE'S JUST A DIAPER BOY WHO WANTED TO MAKE ALL OF YOUR WATCH HIM GO POOPIE!" Gwen yelled as Ben's diaper once again rapidly expanded. Ben went to try and defend himself, but a Pacifier appeared in his mouth and he found himself compelled to suckle on it. he had gone onto his knees since he had started, and leaning forward he found a teddy bear in his arms, anther gift from Gwen. The lumps kept coming out of his behind and in next to no time the diaper had reached the ground, forming a semi bean bag of filth that Ben found himself ridding, hiding his face in the teddy bear. As Ben suckled away in his messy diapers, He looked up with tears running down his cheeks at Gwen. She leaned down, holding her nose and making a scene of having to deal with his smell. "Phew yew Ben! How long have you been holding that in?!" She asked loudly, getting LOTS of laughs from the crowd, then leaned in and whispered into Ben's ear. "Anything of you even left over? Just remember Benny, no more redos. This is your new life. a 24/7 world famous hyper messing diaper baby. Sure I could of left well enough alone or even just let you fix this altogether, but well." Gwen paused and then ruffled Ben's hair. "Like you said after your little prank: Don't be such a baby about it." Ben started to bawl and cry and what was left of his big boy mind ended up in his massive diaper. As Gwen watched her cousin go permanently brain brained, she couldn't help but wonder if Grandpa max was right, and she WAS a little to spiteful.

The end

[secret-diary-of-an-fa]

Hidden Gems of the Silver Screen (And, to a Lesser Extent, the Telly)

It can’t have escaped your notice that the majority of my more recent posts (and fuck knows I’m not posting regularly at the moment) are about movies and TV. The reason for that is pretty simple: 2019 has, surprisingly, yielded some great movies and TV... and also some really torrid shite. On the one hand, films like Ma, Brightburn and The Perfection continue to breathe new life into the horror genre. On the other hand, sci-fi as a cinematic and televised thing continues to ignore its actual audience in favour of sniffing its own farts in a sound-proof chamber designed specifically for next-level virtue-signalling. One thing I will say about the dreck of 2019 is that it’s interesting dreck, at least so far. Another Life, for example, isn’t just bad: it’s mind-bogglingly, fascinatingly bad, as though someone set out to make the worst TV series imaginable and accidentally created a portal to another dimension made entirely of crap.

With all the amazingly wonderful and transifxingly terrible visual media on offer lately, it’s easy to forget that there’s a rich repository of films and TV series from just a few years ago that you’ve probably never watched. You see if you, like me, are a snooty, card-carrying member of the elitist intelligentsia, you probably missed films and TV series that looked dumb as soup on the surface on the grounds that they weren’t worth your time. Luckily for you, I’ve dived nose-first into the detritus of our dying culture, so you don’t have to, and I’ve ferreted out the diamonds from the pig-swill. Without further ado, I’d therefore like to present my list Easily Overlooked Gems.

1. Mandy The phrase “Nicholas Cage stars in a sword-and-sorcery rape/revenge thriller” does not inspire confidence. It’s therefore easy to ignore Mandy and the promptly forget it ever existed. Which is a shame, because it’s kind of a work of genius. The plot is exactly what you’d expect: a cult kidnaps, rapes and kills Cage’s girlfriend, Mandy, and Cage sets out on a mission of revenge culminating in a blood-bath. The nature of the revenge quest is what puts a sting in the film’s tail- or tale, if you’re feeling puntastic. You see, a lot of the bad guys exist in a constant hallucinatory haze after taking a drug that sent them mad after one dose. In order to fight on their level, Cage has to take a dose too. As a result, the world around him slowly but surely transforms into a nightmare landscape that looks like a cross between a D&D illustration and the cover of a heavy metal album and his grubby, personal mission of fury takes on the unmistakable resonance of a Conan-esque hero’s quest. By the end of the film, you have to wonder if Cage has actually slipped into some sort of alternate dimension or if he’s just lost his game-pieces completely. In places, it’s nearly as painful to watch as Landmine Goes Click (crikey, there’s one for the history buffs) but it looks and feels like Beyond the Black Rainbow. Worth your attention just because of how weird it is. I give it a solid four-out-five decapitated rapists.

2. Baby Driver Nothing about Baby Driver suggested it would be a good film: the way it was advertised as a car-chase movie trying to be cute; the stupid title; the fact that it came and went through cinemas like a fart in the night. Which is a shame, because it’s secretly brilliant. It’s a highly stylised crime film populated with the archest archetypes money can buy (to the point where some of the dialogue has a weirdly beat-poetic feel to it). It’s saturated colour palette and off-beat affect actually have something of a full-colour Jim Jarmusch flick about them. The hook, of course, is that the lead character (only ever referred to as Baby, because he’s got a punchably youthful face) has tinnitus and therefore has to listen to music constantly to drown at the buzzing in his head. The practical upshot of this is that a) every single scene is overlayed with surprisingly great and situationally appropriate music and b) he goes through life like he’s always dancing, so his way of moving lends to the film’s easy-going sense of flow. It also explains where his preternatural driving skills come from (I mean, not really, but within the context of the plot): he’s used to sliding effortlessly into patterns and rhythms because of the music thing. All of this could make a terrible film, of course, but execution is everything and, to everyone’s surprise, especially mine, this flick was executed with an astonishing level of panache. I rate it ten out of ten grizzly motor way pile ups.

3. Nightflyers It’s not just films that get overlooked as the tide of culture washes back and forth, like a great big sea of effluent. TV series also vanish unduly into the dustbin of history. Case in point, the criminally underappreciated Nighrflyers: Netflix pre-Another Life sci-fi offering that was actually good. It’s a pretty classic set-up: a group of mismatched wing-nuts on a spaceship, all of whom have secrets that that will threaten to tear them apart while they try to make contact with an alien life-form. What elevates Nightflyers is just how fuck-uped the cast are. There’s an angry British psychic whose spent his whole life in captivity in case he goes full Scanners on somebody’s head, a guy who only ever appears as a hologram for reasons too twisted to explain here, his evil mother whose uploaded her mind to the ship’s computer and gone batshit crazy, a genetic superbeing and a hacker who can send her mind into computers via a dodgy implant and who may or may not be drifting out of touch with the human condition. It’s great. 6 and half billion out of 7 billion monkeys, boiling in the void.

4. Hardcore Henry No, I don’t know who thought that title was a good idea either, but the point is that Hardcore Henry has no motherfucking right to kick as much arse as it does. It was clearly made on a budget that would embarrass a Youtube shampoo commercial, but it just flat-out rocks. Shot entirely in first-person, it follows the adventures of a mute cyborg as he seeks revenge against the bastard psychic entrepreneur who first built him then tried to kill him. Along the way, his main ally is a dude who keeps dying and coming back to life in a series of identical bodies but with radically different personalities and haircuts (this is eventually explained, but I’m not going to spoil it for you). It’s premise is demented, it’s surprisingly well-choreographed and its soundtrack is an aphrodisiac for your ears. Also, Tim Roth is in it, so that’s just yer seal of quality right there. It came out to a lot of fanfare and many, many cinema trailers back in the day and was then promptly forgotten about as soon as it launched. So I’m dragging it kicking and screaming back into the limelight. It’s on Netflix right now, so go watch it. I rate it a solid 11 out of 15 creepy duplicates of Tim Roth.

5. Upgrade Another lesser-known film about a cyborg. Unlike Henry, however, this cyborg’s life doesn’t so much ‘rock’ as ‘suck balls’. He gets crippled and then ends up with a sentient computer chip in his head that allows him to remote-control his own body despite not having a working spine anymore. Naturally, his experimental tech attracts the attention of some unsavoury characters and he and his brain-chip have to work together to figure out what’s going on, often through a series of ultra-violent, gory fight-scenes that horrify the protagonist himself. Of course, all might be well, except that the head-chip is a homicidal little shit that clearly has its own agenda. I give it at least 0000 0111 out of 0000 1001 painstakingly restored vintage kill-bots.

6. The Tick The Tick isn’t as overlooked as everything else on this list, especially since there have been a couple of previous televised incarnations of the franchise to lay the groundwork. However, I still feel like the modern iteration doesn’t quite get the love it deserves, so I’m throwing it out here. Following the adventures a mad, amnesiac and possibly stupid superhero and his neurotic sidekick, The Tick explores a world where superheroes aren’t the paragons of good from classic comics, the corrupt psychotics of The Boys or Watchmen, or the eternally struggling, walking moral life-lessons of modern cinema. Instead, they’re just ordinary people operating at various levels of competence/incompetence and mental illness and working within a bureaucratic, wildly inefficient framework. That might not sound like a recipe for a successful TV series, but it really is. Drawing out the mundane, human side of heroes and villains against the backdrop of cataclysmic, civilisation-threatening events makes for infinitely compelling and very, very funny viewing. It’s kind of doing for the superhero genre what Futurama did for sci-fi a few years back. It’s also where the phrase and/or popular song ‘seven billion monkeys boiling in the void’ comes from. My rating is four out of five sapient, homosexual boats (which will make sense when you watch it).

7. The Void Amid the high-budget horror extravaganzas of recent years, it’s easy to forget about the void, which feels like the best story H.P. Lovecraft never wrote and looks like David Chronenberg tried to adapt a Heironimous Bosch painting... in the ‘80s. The actual plot concerns a group of people getting trapped in a hospital by murderous cultists and discovering dark secrets and, arguably, a whole other dimension in its basement. You’re not exactly there for the plot though: The Void is a mood-piece and an exercise in visual FX craftsmanship. You’re there to drink in the atmosphere and see what each new cosmic horror looks like. I am delighted to award it ten out of ten unspeakable whisperers in the darkness. That’s enough for two barbershop quartets, an emcee and a supporting act.

8. Happy Death Day It’s Groundhog Day but as a horror film starring a really annoying lass in her late teens has to keep dying horribly until she learns to stop being such a terrible person... and also kill her murderer with a little help from her newly-minted, non-cunty friend. There’s a sequel that I haven’t seen yet, but the original is a low-key, oft-overlooked delight. I give it 9 out of 11 suspiciously similar corpses.

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Mutually Assured Destruction (Playlist Here) Rating: Mature Pairing: Nikki Sixx/F. OC Description: Growing restless in his discontent, Nikki Sixx is plagued with past anxieties that he never could find the courage to confront. He’d seen and done it all but when it came to Ruby Moon, he’d always felt he had unfinished business. Now, years after their tumultuous relationship had seemingly come to an end, Nikki finds himself compulsively recounting memories and asking questions only she would have the answers to. total word count: 20,586

Prologue One : Red When I See You Two : Attention, Affection Three : Think About What You Know Four : Patience Five : Different Between Us Warnings: Heavy drug use, heavy profanity, alcohol, brief descriptions of sexual acts, yelling, male aggression A/N: Decided not to change Ruby’s name. I know it’s Nikki’s daughter-to-be’s name, but I named my character quite some time before he announced that and I just can’t think of any other name that would fit her. I love the name Ruby Moon and besides, with her being Japanese and Mexican, it’s really just an Americanized version of her name anyway. Her full name will be revealed in a different chapter though. This is my longest chapter and that’s why it took so long to write it. I absolutely love this one, maybe a little more than chapter three, which has so far been my favorite to write. Really hope you guys like it as much as I do. As always, thank you so much for reading, commenting, liking, reblogging, everything you do. 

Nikki was different when he came back from tour.  

At their welcome home party, he was more assured of himself. Rather than slouching and skulking about, looking for someone to direct his aimless frustration at, he stood up taller, happy to strut around his new house. He made eye contact with throngs of people rather than staring at his boots, even pushing his hair out of his face before talking to them. He spoke with more authority, no longer second guessing himself before speaking up and when he smiled, he showed his teeth. His edge wasn’t gone; it was sharpened. He wore a dog collar. He had tattoos. When he saw Ruby, they’d both already been drinking. He lifted her up and crushed her into a hug. He let out a relieved groan as she cackled, her arms flailing for a grip on him. She squealed as he spun her around and let her down dizzy and stumbling. “Fuck!” She grabbed onto his arm for support and he nudged her to set her balance off even further than the alcohol already did. “Has it been actual years?” He shouted, keeping an arm around her and drinking from a bottle of Jack Daniels. He had to shout. Too Fast For Love played over the impressive speaker system wired around the house, the bass shaking the room. His new house was massive and at the late hour, filled with nearly hundreds of people in tight leather and denim. The dim lights in the high ceilings bounced off their studs and rhinestones, glossy black tile floors casting dark, glamorous glares. Cigarette and marijuana smoke hung thick in the resonant concave room, a haze over the night. Nikki was taller than ever in his six inch heels and tight black leather. People crowded around them. Women neither had ever seen in skimpy dresses craned their necks and pretended not to watch Nikki focus his attention on Ruby. In a corner across the room, Tommy excitedly elbowed Mick hard in the side. “Hey! Careful where you stick that thing, drummer!” Mick scolded him, feeling a pain shoot down his leg. “Shit, I’m sorry, man! But check it out!” He nodded over at Ruby and Nikki. “You think he’s gonna score with her tonight?” “Hopefully. Then maybe he’ll finally shut the fuck up about it.” Ruby had to push herself up on her toes to talk into Nikki’s ear over the music and other people doing the same. She wore a tight white cropped t shirt, bright red leather pants and lipstick to match, her black hair pulled over her shoulder. “This place is fucking amazing!” She told him, placing a small hand on his chest. “I know!” He slurred, lifting the bottle to her lips and pouring a shot in her mouth. “Feels like it was only yesterday I was crashin’ on your couch.” “That was only like two months ago!” She coughed, wiping liquor from her chin. “Whatever!” He tousled her hair. “I don’t care! Look at this place! It’s huge!” He spit a shot out somewhere into the crowd. Whoever it hit shouted something Nikki wasn’t able to make out, but he flipped him off anyway and cackled. He turned back to Ruby. “Do we even know that guy?” She hardly heard his question. She was too focused on how happy he seemed, unabashedly and unapologetically himself for the first time in a long time. When she first met Nikki, he often was barely holding it together. Now, she felt nothing but pride as she watched him let it all out. She threw her arms around his torso and laughed. “I missed you so fucking much!” “I missed you too!” He leaned in closer. “Hey, hey, hey….has anyone given you a bump yet?” “No! I was waiting for you!” “C’mon, come with me. Come with me, let’s go.” Nikki grabbed her arm and turned to shove through the crowd, most of them stopping to try for his attention. He seldom looked up to stop, grumbling and shouting playfully at people to make room. “‘Scuse me! Move! I have to go do drugs now!” He called out to no one in particular. Usually plagued by insecurity, he moved with ease now, well aware that everyone had gathered to see him. Ruby shrunk away a bit behind him, happy to let him bask in it. “Nikki!” A deep voice bellowed behind them as the crowd thinned out by the staircase. It wasn’t the first time that night someone called his name, but it was the first time his mass of hair perked up to see who it was. An older man in a dark blue button down and slacks lumbered over to them, a wide smile on his round face. He clutched a small drink in one fat hand and clapped the other on Nikki’s shoulder. “Some party, huh? You having fun?” He boomed. “Oh shit! Doc! Hey!” He patted the man on the back. “Who’s this little piece you got, Sixx?” He motioned to Ruby, grinning at her. “The girl from the magazine!” “This is Ruby.” He said as she greeted Doc, shaking his hand. “She’s in a band too. She sings.” “Really?” Doc turned to her. “With a face and body like that, I don’t even need to hear it. You enjoying the party, little lady?” “Are you fucking kidding?” She exclaimed, ignoring the crass remarks in favor of the offer she heard within them. Working at the strip club kept her on her toes around men like him. She would work with what he gave her. “This is incredible. You put this on, right?” “Of course, I did! I made your boy here a lot of money too. You wanna do the same?” She stared at him wide eyed, unsure of his candor. “You’re joking.” Nikki and Doc shared a laugh. “Listen to me,” Doc began and came in closer. “I’m aware of every face that matters in Los Angeles. I saw yours at least fifteen times before I got back to this god forsaken city. Can you carry a tune? What do you play?” “Rock music. I sing, I can play guitar but I sing.” “A frontwoman! Even better. We’ll both make a boat load. Sixx, you’ll slide the tape across my desk, won’t you?” “Fuck yeah, Doc.” Nikki chugged the remainder of his whiskey in a giant gulp and forcefully smashed the bottle on the staircase railing behind them, party goers and glass scattering. “Oops!” He laughed. “For fuck’s sake! Like you’ll even remember this conversation!”  “Wait, you really mean it?” Ruby asked, grasping Doc’s hand before Nikki could distract him further. “I mean it! I’ve seen your face in two different countries now, I wanna hear your voice. Get me a tape and I'll get you a contract.” He gave her small hand a squeeze  before waving her off. “Now go! I didn't spend a paycheck on this party so pretty girls could stand around sober! Go have fun!”

She was drunk by the time Nikki had led her to his new room. Pressed against his red bedroom door, a couple sloppily locked lips, their hands slowly roaming the others body. “Ew.” Ruby muttered as they came upon the pair. “Aw c’mon man, this is my fucking room.” Nikki yelled, throwing his arms up. “Whoa! Nikki Sixx!” The man gasped, jumping away from the girl. He had big brown curly hair and wore a Kiss shirt and tight jeans. He stuck his hand out enthusiastically and began rambling despite Nikki ignoring his gesture. “Hey, I’m a huge fan, man! Too Fast For Love rips!” He threw up his devil horns before pointing at Ruby. “Oh shit! You’re the girl from the billboard! Oh, man! You score the hottest chicks!” “What are you doing here, dude?” Nikki asked flatly, ignoring his fawning. “Huh?” The man’s smile didn’t fall at all. “This is my house. How did you get in here?” “This is your house? No way! I knew Motley Crue was gonna be here, but I didn’t know this was your house!” The girl leaned up against the wall next to him, too drunk to hold herself up on stiletto heels. She fluffed her white blonde hair and straightened her tight dress under her denim jacket, batting big eyes at Nikki. “What the fuck are you doing?” “Well, honestly dude, I’m a huge fan and I knew you guys were gonna be here so I was actually wondering if you’d listen to my tape. I brought it along with me and I think you’d really-” “Oh fuck off, user.” Nikki pushed the man in the face and pulled his bedroom door open. “And get the fuck out.” “Dude, what the hell!” As Ruby followed him in, the blonde girl took a hesitant step behind her to follow before being met with a hand. “Oh, no! Nah,” Ruby laughed. “You can fuck off too.” She was giggling. She’d hardly been able to contain herself through the whole situation and given the chance to open her mouth, she couldn’t hold it in. The girl rolled her eyes and crossed her arms.  “God, whatever. Goodnight Nikki!’

Nikki stumbled around in the dark room, looking for a light before turning around and holding up his middle finger. He made a loud fart noise and Ruby pulled the door shut behind her. “Oh my god!” She cackled, sliding down the door into the plush black carpet. “What the fuck, dude?” Nikki tripped over a pile of clothes before flicking on a small lamp on his bedside table. “And somehow I’m insane, right?” “No way.” She waved her hands in front of her face. “No way, that was insane.” Nikki groaned. Candelabras began to illuminate the room as he clumsily lit tall candles with his zippo around an overstuffed leather couch. “Pick out a record.” He told her, pointing to a clean Audio Technica set. She stood up, stumbling a little and looked around. She wasn’t surprised to find nearly everything was black but the dark burgundy walls. A huge four poster bed done up in ornate tapestries took up nearly half the room. Long silk curtains covered tall windows and horror movie posters were stuck up with nails around a large television set in the corner next to a bust of Baphomet. “So is that Doc guy legitimate? Like will he actually listen to our tape?” She asked as she thumbed through his record selection on a shelf below the record table.

“For the millionth time, have you seen this house? Do you see how many people are here?” He stood up and rummaged through a backpack that he picked up off the floor. “Doc is the most legitimate. He hooked us the fuck up. Everyone here and everyone on tour….they’re here for us. Motley fucking Crue. They heard our album and they fucking wanted more. Can you believe that shit?” He pulled a small plastic baggy out of his backpack and keyed up a bump on his pocket knife. He took a hit before joining Ruby cross legged on the floor. “Yes.” She told him honestly, stopping to look at the back of an AC/DC record. “Don’t put that one on.” “You told me to pick!” “Fuck, oh my god, fine. Taste this, though.” He scooped up a bit of powder on his middle finger and held it up for her. She took a hard sniff and tilted her head back, feeling a tangy sour taste hit the back of her throat. A subtle vibration spread from between her eyes to her fingertips and suddenly, everything heightened. She felt her cheeks get warm and tension release behind her temples. The light around the candles burned pinker than they did before, dancing on the red walls. She cooed. “Oh that is so good.” “Right?” Nikki cackled, taking another dip for himself and licking his fingers. “That’s what I’m saying. Doc hooks us the fuck up.” “How is that old man getting drugs like this?” “Like he said. He knows everyone! Look, I’m telling you. He did it for us. He’ll do it for you too.” He set up another hit on his pocket knife and held it out towards her. “Come to the dark side, Ruby Moon.” “You better be fucking right about this.” She rolled her eyes at him before inhaling. “Fuck.” “What’s your damage?” He laughed. “What do you mean?” “Why are you so freaked out?” “I dunno. I just...I mean Doc didn’t do it, you did. You, Mick, Vince and Tommy. You guys have been working so hard and I just-” “Oh c’mon!” He cut her off. She shot a look at him. “Whatever you’re gonna say, I need you to fuck off right now. You have been working your ass off. Don’t start making excuses when you get handed a fuckin’ short cut.” He got a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and pulled one out with his teeth. “I’m just nervous.” “Good. That’s the first step. Look,” He exhaled and leaned back on his elbows. He rolled his head on his shoulder and looked up at her. “I don’t know shit about your new band, but I’ve heard you sing. I’ve seen you perform. You were made to do this. Don’t slow that down for anything.” She blushed, remembering all over again why they were friends. Nikki was wild and being close to him came with its own considerable amount of emotional baggage. It’s why he didn’t let many people in to begin with - he felt too affective. But he was honest. For that, Ruby never faulted him for him for being harsh, even when she didn’t let him go unchecked in his turmoil, even when it came down on her. She saw him with empathy when most would simply cut their losses. When given the chance, he was loyal and sweet and kind and in return, she was endlessly grateful. “Forget this.” She told him with a grin. “Tell me about tour.” Nikki and Ruby talked into the night, the party below them pounding bass lines into the floor. They hardly noticed, too drunk and high on cocaine and the others presence to be bothered with a world outside of their own conversations. Even when Vince banged on the door, insisting “Nikki get your ass out here, there’s a girl letting us take shots out her asshole,” he simply shouted back “I’m busy!” “All I wanna do is talk to you.” He told her but with the veracity at which he was funneling grams of coke, Ruby knew that his horde at least had something to do with that. She told him all about Billie and Alex and the songs they started writing. She told him she wanted to focus on storytelling in her songwriting, the way Lou Reed and David Bowie did. She wanted to bring New York to LA and punk ethos to the glam scene, fronting with aggressive feminine sexuality. She wanted to be a counter to what the boys were doing, not just Motley Crue, but all the boys on the scene. All in all, she admitted, she wanted them to feel threatened. She wanted to show teeth. “It’s fucking perfect.” Nikki said. They’d moved onto his bed, spread juxtaposed across the huge mattress. She wore his leather jacket while they smoked cigarettes and tried on big expensive pairs of sunglasses he bought while he was away. He wanted nothing more than to listen to her, to let her fill his head with all the ideas that she conceived while he was gone and all the things she did. Mostly, he wanted to hear her voice, feeling parched for it after being away for so long. But his own thoughts broke off into fractals, too big to stay in his head. He told her about tour, about all the places they’d gone and the things they’d seen. When he thought of leaving the country for the first time, he didn’t think it would be to Canada. But he loved the mountains, so unlike the Hollywood Hills his house was set in. “There was just something really dark and foreboding about them. Fog would rise up on the peaks at night. So fucking metal.” He recounted. He said they ate expensive food, did expensive drugs and slept with expensive looking women. Together, him and Tommy destroyed hotel rooms and Vince managed to get them in a fight with a bar full of bikers. Mick broke it up. They met new people, saw new things and played their songs in front of thousands. He told her how Tommy found her in a magazine in Calgary. “I really hate that it’s blown up so much. They even called me to do another one.” “It’s the fucking last place I thought I’d ever see you. I was like fuck, I can’t get away from this girl!” He groaned. She paused and watched him rub his eyes before speaking, her own words starting to come out too quick. “Is that why you didn’t wanna talk to me on the phone?” “I uh…” He bit his lip and looked away. “I figured while I was gone, I should just be...really gone.” And there it was; what they’d been avoiding all night. Reality. She paused before she spoke again. “You know, I really missed you.” “I missed you too. Thought about you a lot. Tried not to, but I did.” She smiled, feeling a void fill after talking to him all night. She grabbed onto one of his pillows and took in his familiar smell. There was whiskey, sweat, and cigarettes, unleaded gasoline, and for the first time, there was the faintest hint of a musky cologne. She was reminded again of all the laughs, all the highs and lows, and late nights they used to share together. Somehow, it already felt so long ago. She felt the mattress dip as Nikki sat up, holding his knees to his chest. The party was quiet now, the music no longer playing. There was a muffled chatter from downstairs, the last few guests just loud enough to be heard. The dim grey light of dawn streamed in through a slit in his black curtains, his tall candles burned down to stumps in the candelabra. “Hey Ruby.” “Yeah?” He paused. “I wanna try something.” Maybe it was the cocaine or maybe it was the sentimentality. Maybe it was instinct but she moved next to him. She mirrored his pose and rested her cheek against her knee. “Try it.” With a hesitant sweep of his hand to the back of her neck, she lifted her face to meet his. Foreheads touching, there was an unexpected shyness in the approach and he laid his finger tips against hers. She glanced down. An unintended move, their lips brushed and she let out a soft breath to intermingle with his and he sighed lightly on her cheek. A warm ache spread in her chest and her hand moved to his hair but he held back. Eyes closed, he moved against her again, a smile twitching in his cautiousness. Her knees swayed and she pushed her nose into his, trying to make up the space that he teased. She breathed a nervous laugh on his lips, his hair tickling her face. He closed his mouth on hers. Like a first breath drawn in years of anticipation between them, he inhaled sharply and she let out a deep moan, opening for his tongue to hungrily lap at hers. His grip tightened on her neck and he pressed against her hard, sucking her soft bottom lip between his teeth. Her hand slid down his thigh and she pulled into him, responding to the need for control in his bite. Her other hand moved to his chest and he let out a guttural noise. “Fuck.” “Fuck!” Ruby pulled away and nearly sprang to the other side of the bed, clapping a hand over her mouth. “Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck. Shit.” She whispered under her breath, her eyes closed shut. She couldn’t look at Nikki’s expression fall to concerned confusion. “What?” He asked, coming closer to her. He placed a gentle hand under her chin. “What is it?” Axl. “Nikki, I…” She began and looked up at him. She took in a deep sigh and moved his hand away. She had no choice but to tell him. “I, uh….I fucked up. Something happened and I didn’t tell you.” His expression fell from concern to disappointment. “What?” “Fuck, I don’t want you to be upset.” “What the fuck, Ruby?” “I um….I started seeing someone.”

Nikki tensed. Any softness he was expressing vanished and he looked away, feeling the silence of the moment build up in the back of his throat. He let out a disbelieving spiteful laugh. “What? Like you have a boyfriend?” “Well...kind of? Not really...I don’t know.” “So what?” He stood up and turned away from her, pulling his hand through his hair. “You’re just gonna be snuggled up in my bed all night telling me how much you miss me and meanwhile you got a fucking boyfriend?” “I do miss you! I didn’t come up here thinking you were gonna kiss me!” “I didn’t either but fuck, you can’t do that shit! Ruby, you know how I fucking feel about you.” He stopped pacing. “God, man. Fuck, you know what? Get the fuck out.” He stormed to his door and pulled it open. “What?” Her face fell and she swallowed an emotion. They had gotten in fights before, screamed at each other until they were both out of breath. They clashed heads often enough that people who didn’t know either of them wondered why they spent time together. But even in the worst of times, Nikki had never told her to leave. Hot tears rose in her eyes.

“Get the fuck out.” “Nikki, please, don’t do this. Lemme stay and explain.” “Explain what? That you don’t give a fuck about me?” “That’s not true! You know that’s not true!” “I don’t know that! Not right now!” “Nikki, I didn’t mean for it to happen! We just spend a lot of time together. We haven’t even really talked about if we’re dating or not. It’s not...like that.” “Yeah? It wasn’t like that with Vince either but you still fucked him for six months while telling me some ‘I’m just not ready for a boyfriend’ bullshit. So it doesn’t really matter does it? I still get fucked over and lied to. And I guess I’m just gonna keep getting fucked over and lied to. So get the fuck out.” “Nikki!” “Go!” Ruby stormed out. She was already halfway down the hall when she heard the door slam shut. She wiped tears from her eyes, sweat prickling up around her neck. She fixed her hair and quickly tugged Nikki’s leather jacket off and dropped it on the ground, suddenly feeling heavy and oppressive. She shook her head and looked down as she rushed towards the stairs, her head feeling airy and her eyes sunken after hours of cocaine use. Her mouth ached. She felt stupid. She felt small. So distracted by her own self flagellation, she didn’t even notice Tommy coming up the stairs before crashing into him. She let out gasp of surprise and wiped tears from her cheeks, knowing she was making a failed effort to hide her wet eyes. She looked down. “Sorry.” She muttered quickly and tried to walk around him but he stepped in front of her. “Are you guys seriously fucking fighting right now?” He pushed his brows together, sounding - surprisingly - pissed off. “Oh fuck, did you hear that?” “Heard you both fuckin’ screamin’ all the way downstairs. What the fuck is going on?” “We were hanging out and uh….” She trailed off and shook her head, deciding Nikki probably needed to vent to Tommy more than she did. “He’ll tell you. Just make sure he doesn’t lock himself in his room and go on a bender or some shit. Rich boy coke has him fucking geeked.” “The fuck? What happened?” “I’ll call you tomorrow when I get outta work.” She told him, already on her way down the stairs.

“You know this was supposed to be a celebration, right?” He called after her.

Ruby sped home as the sun rose over the valley. She meant to get a driver but by the time she remembered, she was already halfway home. She squinted down the road, her eyes bloodshot and tired. She turned over in her head what she planned on doing, as if there was much she could do at all. All that mattered for her now was time; how much time it would take for Nikki to talk to her again and how much time it would take for her to tell Axl what happened. In between then, she’d have to learn how to accept that Doc’s offer was most likely gone. She groaned. It was a minor annoyance compared to the idea that she might not be able to make up for hurting Nikki. She went to bed sobbing Meanwhile, across town, Tommy sat on Nikki’s couch and watched him pace. “Yo what is going on? I thought you guys were totally up here fuckin’ all night!” “Yeah fucking right dude.” Nikki muttered, stopping to cut up several fat lines on his coffee table with a bowie knife. He didn’t intend any of them for Tommy. “Should’ve stayed with you guys. She’s got a boyfriend now.” “Oh what? Fuck that.” Tommy told him. “I heard that shit tonight and I honestly didn’t believe it. I never heard of Ruby having a steady dude.” “The fuck do you mean you heard that tonight?” Nikki looked up, hunched over his drugs. “I dunno, someone was telling me they seen her hanging around with some skinny mother fucker named Axl. I guess he’s a singer for some local band but I can’t remember the fucking name.” “Oh, go fucking figure he’s a singer. Is that her thing or something?” “This is what you guys were fighting about?” Nikki sighed and ripped a fat line. He stabbed his knife into the coffee table and looked up at Tommy. “She fucking kissed me.” Tommy’s mouth dropped slightly, trying to hide his surprise. “Oh…” “She kissed me. And then she told me she’s seeing someone. So fuck it, man. I’m over it. Not doing this shit anymore.” “You’re not even gonna be friends?” “Not if she can’t make up her fucking mind. I don’t wanna talk about this anymore, let’s go fucking blind.” Nikki and Tommy snorted drugs into the afternoon. When they ran out of coke, they moved onto a bag of painkillers Tommy was holding for someone else. They went numb through the night, listening to the heaviest records Nikki could find, barely noticing they hadn’t slept. Mick arrived later on to fill them with litres of vodka, knowing well in his experienced age what an ailing heart needed. “She fucked him up bad, huh?” Mick asked Tommy as they continued shot for shot after Nikki had passed out on the kitchen floor. Tommy looked at his best friend, eyes closed and sweaty cheek pressed against the tile floor. Tommy didn’t understand pain the same way Nikki did and after watching him blow thousands of dollars in drugs in one night, he was thankful for that. Still, he’d known Nikki to have gone through plenty worse and manage to come out on top. Maybe he overdid it, Tommy thought, but he couldn’t blame him. He was just having a bad night. He walked over to Nikki and pulled a lipstick tube out of his pocket, scribbling a crude, red heart on his forehead. He crossed it out. “He’ll be fine.” Taglist: @triplehaitches @itsclaranotcarla @vamprlestat @riders-of-rohann

[musette-thornsong]

OJ: God’s Right Here

Aura Zurie had found out years ago during her childhood that she was not all cell but only half. If being treated like crap by the entire city of Frank wasn’t bad enough, the virus, Thrax, whom she once called friend betrayed and stabbed her in the back (in more ways than one). After losing so much and being used by those she trusted, she had become officially devoid of all emotion and decided never to trust or let anyone inside ever again. The return of Thrax may change that when they are paired off to hunt down the resurrected mob boss, Scabies, who has kidnapped Ozzy and Drix and will only release them if they hand over a recently acquired rare artifact. But soon everyone (including Thrax) will realize the huge mistake they have made when messing with the wrong girl.

One-Shot Parody

Warning: Violence, gore, language, psychological humor

Words: 6,216

Aura, Meth, & Opius girls belongs to me

Staphylococcus Aureus borrowed from a real bacterium.

It was a dark time in the City of Frank. The Chief of Frank Police had just recently assigned a case to Osmosis Jones, Drix, and (recently hired) Thrax. The case followed the inconspicuous murder of Leah Estrogen from only a day ago. Apparently, she was killed in her sleep with no visible signs of a struggle and then her corpse was hung upside down from Ozzy’s apartment door with a message from (horrifyingly enough) the late mob boss Scabies. This gave an indication that somehow, he was still alive (even though Thrax had turned him into a pile of goop). The team had split up to find clues and came across one at the memory banks archive in ancient text about a gem that revives the dead. Ozzy and Drix went to go find it only to suddenly get kidnapped by unknown assailants. Thrax was then left a note by Scabies that if he wanted his teammates alive, he would find the item in question and bring it to them. Knowing he had little to no intel on ancient artifacts or spells and apparently had no other options, he sought out some help from his fellow coworkers. They suggested he talk to Aura Zurie since she was one of the few citizens who dabbled in that department given her “recently discovered” heritage. Thrax found this to not only a big help but also a chance to get close to her. Although she grieved for the loss of her foster mother, Leah, certain circumstances would have Thrax find that Aura would be less than willing to help him.

Thrax: (eagerly catches up to Aura as she walked down the street) Hey, baby, wait up!!

Aura: (continues walking on, stubbornly) I have nothing to say to you.

Thrax: (tries to play it cool in attempts to charm her) Aw come on, baby. I thought it would a nice opportunity to reconnect… (whispers in her ear) especially given our “special” history together.

Aura: (stops dead in her tracks before turning around facing him, angrily stating) First of all, as far as I’m concerned, we have no history. Secondly, I know why you came breezing down my path and I’m not pulling the pin on that grenade. I made the mistake of trusting you once all those years ago. And in return, it destroyed what was left of the innocence that was my life. I’ll be damned if I get involved with you and make the same mistake again (turns her back to him and proceeds to continue walking on)

Thrax: (feels guilty, knowing she was right but decides to play on her insecurities as a last resort, sighing) Well, I guess I can’t fault you there. I don’t blame you for not wanting to help. But even if you don’t, just know…it’s not your fault.

Aura: (halts with wide eyes upon hearing those words, flashes back to her mother on her deathbed when she was a child uttering those same words)

-FLASHBACK-

*Lisa: (sick in bed, barely stable) I’m afraid I don’t have the strength to go on any further. I’m sorry, Aura. I’m going to leave you all alone.

*Aura: (tearfully holds her mother’s hand) Please don’t go, Mommy

*Lisa: (weakly smiles while cupping little Aura’s cheek, wiping her tears away) Don’t cry, sweetie. I know it’s hard, but you must be strong and endure. I just wish your father could have been here with us (coughs) but know that he did love you very much. I love you, Aura. If things were different back then, we could have become a happy family. Even though my life was turned upside down, I don’t regret having you for a daughter. Just know, this is not your fault (utters before her hand falls from Aura, dying peacefully)

*Aura: (tears fall as she screams agony)

-END OF FLASHBACK-

Aura: (hears the words “Your fault” torment her mind over and over until her mental barrier suddenly breaks down from the inflicted guilt, shouting painfully while barely keeping her composure) WHAT’S WRONG, THRAX!?

Thrax: (surprised he got through to her and gave her the details [unfortunately more details than necessary for dick-move torment]) Well, I suppose it all started when I was born, my mother…

Aura: (facepalms her eyes before pulling the metaphorical pin off the grenade in her mind, groaning) Uuuuuuuuuugh….

Knowing this would take long, they stopped a nearby pub where Thrax continued the conversation for several hours until finally getting the main point for why he sought her out in the first place. He explained how Jones and Drix had disappeared and somehow Scabies was alive demanding for the artifact they were previously looking for in order to bring Leah back. Aura’s brain was about ready to implode from all the mental torture.

Thrax: (continues) …and then that old fart of a germ left this note stating where he was and that he had Jones and the cold pill. And unless the gem is given to the old codger, they can kiss their asses goodbye. And, well…you know the rest, baby.

Aura: (bangs her head on the table repeatedly from the long conversation until Thrax finishes, vents her frustration) GOD, DO I EVER!!! I CAN NEVER UN-KNOW!!! These nuclei receivers could have been used to formulate the perfect strategy in solving this case! Instead, they’ve memorized the different types and amounts of beatings you used to receive since you were four!!!

Thrax: (makes a callous reference) Yeah, much like you, my mother was one emotionally unstable bitch

Aura: (retorts sarcastically) Yeah, I know. And it’s because of that shit to this day, you are still a continuously blunt, all-around, never-ending ASSHOLE!!! (calms down after getting it all out of her system, sighs) Look, if I tell what you need to know about your stupid rock, will you leave me alone?

Thrax: (corrects her) Gem.

Aura: (annoyed) Honey, no language on Earth has a word for how little I care. A quantum super-computer calculating for a thousand years could not even approach the numbers FUCKS I do not give. The friggin’ heat death of the universe could not-

Thrax: Baby, are you going to tell me or not?

Aura: Eh, sure. Whatever. Allegedly, the once lush garden of Frank that was closed off (due to the strange death tolls) was turned into a restricted grave site called “The Valley of Remembrance”. At its center is a jeweled staff known as the Archangel’s Beacon which can pin-point the exact location of the Revival Gem.

Thrax: (mildly happy to hear this news) Seriously, then let’s go get it right now!

Aura: (halts him) Upbupbup, cool your jets, Hot-Shot. There’s more to it than that. For one thing, the gem can easily work on viruses at any time of death, within 15 years for germs and bacteria, but won’t work for cells 3 days after death. And seeing as how a day and a half has gone by already, not to mention you just spent the last 7 HOURS making me consider the pros and cons of a lobotomy via soup spoon, I’d say you got your work cut out for ya.

Thrax: (shocked by this news, eager to get going with only one day left) Oh boy! Well, let’s get going. We’ve got no time to lose (cups his hands around hers)

Aura: (brow twitches before giving her answer) Yeah, about that…

Aura was suddenly outside the pub walking through the crowd of cells out at night, minding their own business. Thrax trudged alongside her confused by the answer she gave him.

Thrax: (hysterically states his predicament) What do you mean you’re not going?! This is completely different from my life on the run trying set a record and getting into the medical books. I don’t know the unknown territories of this body like you do nor what dangers to expect from any of this. I could die on my own!

Aura: I believe I made myself clear about my number of FUCKS and willingness to give them.

Scabies: (pops out of nowhere looking worse for wear in many ways) Ebola Boy? Oh my god, how are you? I believe the last time we met was….oh yeah! When you sliced me up and painted the steam room floor with my carcass

Thrax: (expresses rather irritably, but restrains himself not wanting lose it and kill the only suspect they had in this case, grunting) Fiiine…

Scabies: (mockingly) And where’s the old crew? Haven’t seen them for quite some time

Thrax: They’re dead. Much like how you’ll be again if you don’t beat it.

Scabies: (feigns caring nature) Aww, ain’t that a pity? You at least make some good trophies out of em’?

Thrax: (disgusted) AW HELL NO!! I may be one sick sadistic motherfucker but I ain’t that sick, old man!

Scabies: Ah, such a waste…

Aura: (callously adds on) He’s right you know. Keeping specific remains of your enemies can make for some pretty-sick trophies.

Thrax: (annoyed) Okay, seriously, Aura!? That’s not funny. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a gem to find, two idiots to save, and a dead broad to revive.

Scabies: (looks to Aura scanning over with familiarity) Oh, Aura is it? You his new girl? Well, ain’t you a saucer of cream! It’s so nice to see that even the legendary Ebola-knockoff found someone on his level.

Thrax: (growls at the remark and how he was looking at Aura)

Aura: (laughs casually before eyes widen, clearly insulted) Ehehehe…What?

Scabies: Oh no, it’s cute. I just love the whole “tough-girl” persona ya got goin’ on here. Very convincing. Well, don’t wanna take up any more your time. Sure you sweet kids got a lot to do. I’m sure you’ll have no problem clearing “The Valley of Remembrance”.

Thrax: (attempts to speak for Aura) Actually, Aura just made it clear that she’s not-

Aura: (slightly deranged) Come on, Thrax. We got two idiots and a broad to save (starts walking past Scabies)

Thrax: (walks beside her rather delighted) So, you’re actually gonna help now? Well alright! Operation: Damage Control is a go (places his arm around her)

Aura: (firmly) Don’t touch me

Thrax: Still not there yet?

Aura: Not even close.

Scabies: (smiles wryly)

Thrax and Aura had stopped at a nearby inn for the night in order to get an early start on their mission for the Revival Gem. However, some would come to find it difficult to sleep that night. By morning, they had left the inn and made their way to the Valley of Remembrance where Thrax burned off seal to the gate to save time. Aura lead the way through the silent yet beautiful gardens and enchanted glades. It was all lovely but had an eeriness to it considering there was not one living thing around thus hinting to the term “silent as the grave”.

Aura: (calmly yet alert) Keep your eyes and ears open for anything. There’s no telling what might be lurking around.

Thrax: (smugly) Please. There ain’t nothin’ Big Daddy Thrax can’t handle.

Aura: (rolls her eyes, grunts) Uuugh

Thrax walked on casually next to Aura. He figured this would be a good opportunity to try to get close to her. But given the atmosphere, he wasn’t entirely sure how to break the ice nor certain if she even wanted to talk. Aura was unsure of a couple things too but figured she’d ask just to be sure.

Aura: (chuckles awkwardly) Hey, uh, random question. Uh, you didn’t hear anything…weird last night…Did you?

Thrax: (ponders back to last night) Uuuuuh….

 -FLASHBACK-

*Aura: (cries loudly through the wall) Momma Lisa!!! (cries more) Oh god, why couldn’t I save you?! Why?! Momma! MOMMA!!! (cries even more)

*Thrax: (hears her sorrowful wails in confusion unable to sleep)

-END OF FLASHBACK-

 Thrax: (slightly goes bright crimson, goes into immediate denial not wanting to say the wrong thing) Uh, no. Definitly not. I’m like a super heavy sleeper, so… (walks on)

Aura: (laughs nervously) Good, good (clears throat) Yeah, sleep is…sleep is good (continues walking)

Thrax: (comes to her, curiously) Sooooooo…Who’s Momma Lisa?

Aura: (snaps) I KNEW IT!!!

At the same time of her outburst, random vines sudden bursts out from bushes and quickly wrapped around Thrax’s ankles, lifting him straight off the ground. The vines revealed to belong to a giant Audrey II-like plant monster that became attracted to closest heat source. It opened its trap preparing to devour Thrax.

Aura: (slightly giggles at Thrax’s awkward predicament)

Thrax: (screams at the sudden lift coming face-to-face with the monster, embarrassment sets in as this was happening in front of Aura of all people) AAAAAAAAAAHH!!! Baby don’t stare at me like this!!

Aura: (yells in response) First off, I’m not your baby so quit calling me that! Secondly, I think you have more pressing concerns!!

Thrax: (slashes around frantically) Well, WHAT DO I DO?!

Aura: Just stay calm. You already have everything you need to beat it.

Thrax: (responds sarcastically) Oh, and what’s that? The power to believe in myself?

Aura: (irritated that Thrax was deliberately trying pluck a nerve) Noooooo, your claw, smartass!! Stab it!!

Thrax: Oh…right (slices off the vines from his ankles before diving at the plant beast, burying his claw straight through and causing it to explode before landing safely on the ground)

Aura: (sighs, locking arms Thrax against her better judgement) Yeah, maybe you should stick closer to me. Those things are attracted to heat and will not think twice about snuffing it out. And seeing as how you’re walking blazing inferno, you’re aggroing everything in this place.

Thrax: (blushes a bit then puts back on the “tough guy” façade before pulling away from her with a smirk) First off, if it’s one thing I know how to turn up and down, baby, it’s heat. Secondly, there’s need no need to worry your pretty, little head. Big Daddy Thrax can take care of himself (walks ahead before suddenly stepping on a random vine which woke up several more plant monsters, screaming) AAAAAAAAAAHH!!! BAAABYYYYYYY!!!!!

Aura: (raises a brow, unimpressed before sighing) This is gonna be my whole day, isn’t it?

After saving Thrax’s hide many a time from becoming every plant’s main course, they had finally reached the center of the valley. There atop an ancient pedestal stood the bejeweled Archangel’s Beacon staff in all its shiny, dusty, cobweb-covered glory.

Thrax: (grabs the staff) Hey, look. There it is!

Aura: Alright, now all we need is the dust!

Thrax: (excited before suddenly catching on to her sudden remark) Yeah- wait, what do you mean?

Aura: Well, I mean, we’re going need the Spark Powder to activate the staff. And we can only purchase said powder from the only drug dealer in this part of Frank who deals in the mystical department (for a certain price). Then once activated, the staff will guide us to the stronghold containing the gem where we’ll navigate ourselves through a series of traps within the catacombs (where most people would never think to look first), leading us to said gem and hopefully the quickest path to the throne/ritual room.

Thrax: (felt like his head was about to explode from the news) That’s INSANE! Just how paranoid were these people?! And since when did this magic stuff get so complicated?!

Aura: You don’t know much about Viral Ancient History or Magic, do you?

They continued their mission in hunting down the only drug dealer, Methadoneus Papaver, who contained the mystical Spark Powder. Once found at a nearby Opium Den, they could see the place was full of ill-repute as there were several Opius female germs publicly seducing several male cells on either ends of the establishment. When they all caught sight of Thrax, they brushed pass the others to gather around him since they never had a virus visit before (let alone a tall, strong, and handsome one). Though Thrax was flattered, he was more concerned with the mission at hand. Seeing as how it would take longer pushing through to get to Meth, Aura decided to take the high road and push Thrax into the crowd of horny germs who wasted no time in smothering him. Thrax was completely helpless in this situation. While he was known for being quite the “Ladies Man” & “Lady Killer”, he never had to deal with so many girls at once.

Aura: Hey look, girls! A present! (pushes Thrax into the Sea of Opius girls)

Thrax: Whoa!! (sees predicament he was suddenly in as the girls wasted no time going down on him, screaming out) NOOOOOO!!! They’re soooo hornyyyyyy!!!!

Aura: (caddy) But I thought there wasn’t anything Big Daddy Thrax couldn’t handle.

Thrax: (glares at her menacingly) Oh, you are SO gonna pay for that later!!

Aura: (chuckles sarcastically) Relax, this won’t take long. If anything, I’ll probably be down by the time you finish (heads upstairs the main den)

Once she found Meth, she got straight to the point about the Spark Powder. He attempted to hustle from her a ridiculous price as that was one of his rarest products that tended to go out quick. He even caused greater insult by trying to get Aura to “entice” the deal further. Meth asked her how much she thought the powder was worth believing she couldn’t do much to threaten him since she was a cop or the fact that she was just a dumb pheromone capable of only screwing her way to the top. But that was a mistake he would soon come to regret. The room suddenly went dark as Aura wasted no time in suddenly grabbing him by the throat, brandishing her claws near his chest, bearing fangs, and her crimson red eyes flashing gold as a warning. Getting the picture, Meth gave her a 75% discount on the powder in exchange for not killing him. When the lights came back on in the room, Aura warned him not to push his luck from now on before heading back down only to find that all the girls completely whored out and Thrax looking an absolute mess, barely keeping his composure and covered in kissy marks.

Aura: (looks over in shock and disbelief) DAAAMN!!! When I said I’d be down by the time you were finished, I was kidding!! But…DAMN!! (sees all the girls with blissful satisfied looks on their faces) Who would have thought you had that kind of stamina. Remind me never to question your libido again.

Thrax: (pants in moderate exhaustion) I never thought…in a million years…that I’d have to screw my way…out of a jam…like that. You got what we need?

Aura: (holds up the bag with the powder) Right here.

Thrax: Good (weakly grabs her by the collar, pulling her close to him) So don’t you EVER…do that…AGAIN!!

Aura: (pushes him off before dusting the staff with the powder) Oh, chill. I thought you would appreciate a group of women going ga-ga over you. (snarky) At least they’re the only ones dumb and horny enough to anyway. Now let’s get going, nearly half the day is gone and we’re running out of time.

Thrax: (grunts, thinking in frustration) *Why do I bother with this girl*

The staff glowed and blinked leading them to the gem’s location. When they were nearing the end of their journey, they came to the stronghold known as Mrsa Castle where they found a secret door leading to the catacombs. Just far up ahead was the Revival Gem on a pedestal. They made their way up to the end when suddenly trap after trap went off as they narrowly escape each one (especially Thrax as he was already worn out the orgy earlier). By the time they had barely made it out of the traps alive, they grabbed the gem and luckily found an elevator that lead them straight to the center of the throne room.

Aura: Man, I thought we were done after that 7th trap with the spiked wrecking balls, but then BAM!! There’s number #8 with the projectile acid worms!

Thrax: (less than enthusiastic) I just…I just want to go home.

Aura: (stops Thrax in his tracks) Wait. Hold on, Thrax. Do mine eyes deceive me?! Tis the fable Blob Throne of Staphylococcus Aureus! A being of microscopic knowledge and devourer of souls! Quickly, good sir! We must spirit away before- Oh my god! Will you just come out already?!

Scabies: (comes out from behind the throne and sat down in all his zombified glory) Well, for a pheromone you’ve got some rather keen instincts for you to have known I was here.

Aura: (casually) Scabies?! Oh my god, how are yo- Oh god, wow, that’s enough of that. (disgusted) Jesus, how do you put up that act all day?

Scabies: Ah, so you saw through me, did ya? You’re quite the clever pisha to haves figured I was once leader of the Sweat Gang

Aura: (laughs) The Sweat Gang? Wow, I thought you might be someone more dangerous, like Thrax over here or even Ebola! Never even heard of you.

Thrax: (looks to her, mildly blushing at the partial compliment)

Scabies: (confidently) Laugh all you like. We’re still one of the most feared gangs in the restricted zones of Frank.

Aura: (snarky) Ooh, impressive. You can frighten cells that think Pollen Pods are terrifying.

Thrax: (points out) Actually, some cells do find them rather terrifying considering Frank’s allergic to them. I mean, when you think about it, have you seen their eyes? They have no souls.

Scabies: Ah, so quick with the snark. Of course, that’s really all ya’ have goin’ on, isn’t it? A witty retort to distract everyone from what you really are. A sad, lonely little girl with no one who loves her. Someone so dead inside, she’d use a lethal virus as bait just to lure me out

Thrax: (defensively) Ok, seriously? My girl may have done some terrible things lately, but I know for a fact that she would never do something that horrible!

Aura: (bluntly) Nah, he’s right. I totally did that.

Thrax: (shocked) What?! How could you do that?!

Aura: Not so much fun when the shoe is on the other foot, is it? Keep in mind that you used and deceived me to meet your ends, remember? I just simply gave you a small taste of your own medicine.

Thrax: (dumbfounded by this newfound sinister change to her personality, though remained silent knowing she was right and should have seen this coming)

Aura: Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Scabies: And to top it all off, you play the “tough girl”. This invincible force you could never hope to be out there in the real world. Getting promoted to the FPD as a top-rated cop was probably the only best thing to ever happen to you. But there’s one thing your position will never let you hide. The one thing that’s haunted you your whole life, that you can never escape…

Aura: (narrows her eyes in annoyance)

Scabies: (smiles smugly) You are the bastard child of former cop-turned-all-around-whore. And trust me, I should know. She was one of my top earners

Aura: (laughs) What?! No, I’m not bastard child of a-…my mother wasn’t a-… (slips into psychotic laughter, finally snapping from the repressed memories of her dear mother) That’s crazy. That’s CRAZY!! HAHAHAHA!!!

Thrax: (looks at her worriedly) Uuuuh, baby, you feelin’ a’ight?

Scabies: Well, looks like my work here is done. I do so enjoy our chats, but I really have a ritual to get going. We’ll be taking the Revival Gem now, if you don’t mind.

Aura: (deranged) Really? Little old you is going to take from us? That’d be a neat TRICK!!

Scabies: Indeed. But a magician is nothing without his lovely assistants (snaps his fingers, giving a signal)

Suddenly, the old crew of the Sweat Gang suddenly came out of their hiding places looking as bad as Scabies. Like Scabies, they were all zombies out for revenge and ready to strike up some mayhem the second they were back to normal. The largest of the crew soon dragged two familiar faces tied up securely

Ozzy: (expresses joyfully upon seeing them) THRAX!! BABY GIRL!!! Boy, aren’t you two a sight for soar eyes!! It’s the funniest thing really. We found out the gem was here as well and came to retrieve it. And we would have called but (chuckles) these guys nabbed us out the blue and we’ve been trapped here ever since. (put on his usual facade) But of course not before Germinator Daddy opened a can of WHUP-ASS in honor of your moth-

Drix: (interrupts) Uh, Ozzy? I’d hate to interrupt such a “tearful” reunion, but do you think it could wait until after we’re rescued?

Thrax: How the hell are these clowns alive anyway?

Drix: (explains) It would appear when you killed Scabies and what was left him disappeared into the pipes, somehow the pipes were connected to the ones here at Mrsa Castle. The power of gem manifested once it sensed a dead soul, bringing Scabies back from the dead…um, partially. He then used a spell stolen from the archives to bring back the rest of them to seek out revenge. He used all of us to get to the gem so he could fully return all of them and himself to their original states before his 15 years comes to an end tonight!! (points out one last thing) Oh, and right now we’re probably about to die. Did I miss anything?

Ozzy: Uuuuhh, nope. That’s seems about right

All Germs: (start to move in on Thrax & Aura for the kill, snickering sinisterly)

Thrax: (worried, steps in front of Aura defensively) Oh crap, there’s too many of them, baby. I may be tired but that’s never stopped me before. I’ll back you up.

Aura: (places her hand on his shoulder, calmly but still in deranged state) Aww, that’s adorable.

Thrax: (raises a brow, confused) What is?

Aura: You think they’re a threat because we’re out numbered and they’re twice as strong due to them being undead. Well, you just sit tight. Show’s about to start. Careful, though. The first 3 rows are a ♫splash zone♫ (walks ahead of Thrax)

Thrax: (goes wide-eyed, worried) Baby, what do you mean by that?

Aura: (laughs psychotically)

Aura had officially snapped. As if things weren’t bad enough when she was reminded of her guilt. Or when she unknowingly aided Thrax in his plans to take down Frank when she was a child. Or when others saw her as a monster or a dumb pheromone whose only purpose in life is to screw or to kill just because she was born half-cell and half-virus. She could deal with all the taunts and slanders. But the moment someone insults her mother, the one organism in all of Frank that brought her into this world and held dear to her heart, that’s the moment when all she can see is red and loses her mind completely. All of that became clear when the entire throne room suddenly got darker and started to freak everyone out, especially Thrax. He had never seen her like this or any cell or virus with this kind of aura. He actually found it to be more terrifying than he was. It was at that moment Thrax realized all that she had to endure from the time of her birth, through her mother’s death, and living as an orphan on the street for years treated poorly by everyone in Frank. But the worst of it was when he walked into her life and used her in his scheme even though she trusted him, believing she had finally found a friend. His betrayal became the official turning point for what she was now. And the germs who were set to kill, started to get nervous and began to think otherwise about the whole situation.

Joe Cramp: (concerned) Um, boss? A-A thought occurs. This cop thought she was going up against someone as dangerous as Ebola, yet she brought herself and our…former boss. We sure we wanna mess with this chick?

Scabies: (callously confident) Please! The girl is all talk! And now that I’ve broken her, she’s not even THAT, anymore! She’s nothing but a gibbering mess, grasping at straws!

Aura: (still emanating the dark presence) Ooh, another one of your famous theories! Tell ya what. I’ll give you the first shot (eye twitches) See how that goes!

Joe Cramp: (thinks momentarily before concluding) Boss, I think this might be a trap.

Scabies: (abruptly) Enough! You’re all undead with twice your normal strength and there’s SEVEN of you! I think you’ve got this!

Aura: (smiles wryly, baring her fangs and eyes glowing yellow like a cat)

Scabies: Now, kill her!!

In a flash, they all came bearing down on her with no restraint. Each one either slashed at her with claws, beat her with a club, bit at her, stabbed her with knives, etc. And the whole time, she stood there not screaming in pain or giving in an inch. This made the others worry and wonder why she was refusing to do anything.

Drix: (shocked at the damage being done) Oh no, I knew it! Scabies must’ve really gotten into her head! She’s not even fighting back.

Ozzy: (worried for his adoptive daughter urges Thrax to help) Thrax, don’t just stand there! Help her!!

Thrax: (snaps out of it, adjusting himself while getting ready to jump in, thinking) *Oh, baby. Now I understand completely. It’s my fault this all happened to you. And right now, you need me more than ever* Well, I guess it’s up to me to save her or else-

Aura: (smiles as one of her wounds suddenly healed instantly along with the rest of her injuries)

Thrax: (stops in his tracks, stunned at the sight) Wait what?

All Germs: (pants, completely exhausted and shocked that she didn’t scream or go down after all they did to her)

Aura: Man, you guys are out of shape! Really oughta do some cardio.

Scabies: (frustrated) What are you Sissy Marys’ doing?! Quit screwing around and finish her!

Bruiser: (pants) I don’t understand, Boss! We threw everything we had at her! How is she still standing?!

Aura: How? Well, it’s quite simple, really. You see, ASSHOLE, you may think you’ve got all figured out. True, I was born a pheromone cell but that’s only half of it. There’s just one thing you didn’t account for.

Scabies: (getting angry)

Aura: As it turns out, the 2nd half of my makeup…is Chiroptera DNA!

Ozzy: (confused) Chiro-what now?

Drix: (explains) If I may, Chiroptera is the scientific classification order of bats more particularly the common vampire bat. They have many known diseases with one being the only rarest exception among them. And that rare disease is known as the legendary Draculine virus.

All: (gasps)

Ozzy: (curious) And you know this how?

Drix: (admitted truthfully) I studied her during that time she was in the hospital fighting Thrax’s venom. I managed to dig up some research on the subject as well as her background. I felt it was necessary for future medical reasons should you need it.

Aura: (sarcastically explains, chuckling) It’s funny how life works really. A respected female cop doing her job has an unexpected run-in with a virus that later puts her in a position she has absolutely no control over. Said events soon results into a half-breed child who eventually loses everything. But after years of loneliness and hell, you hoped you finally found someone whom you could trust that you felt connected to. And that goes out the window when he stabs you in the back in more ways than one and leaves you drifting in the void between this world and the next. Suddenly, the part of you that you didn’t know existed ends up being the thing that saves you from a near-death experience. Get to that point in your life where that side brings out more in you emotionally and physically, turning you a lethal force to be reckon with, and you’re basically untouchable. My wounds heal faster than you can make them. We could do this all day and you dumbasses would not be any closer to killing me. (laughs) Not that it wouldn’t be fun. But I’ve got good news! You see, there’s no need to wonder where your God is. Cause she’s right here… (whispers menacingly) and she’s fresh out of mercy.

All Germs: (whimpers and cries in terror)

Scabies: (scared, finally fed up) W-Well, way to prove my point, bitch! Lording your origins over them like some kind of god! Your strength is nothing but an illusion to cover-

Aura: (blazes swiftly like a gust of wind)

And what happened next shocked everyone. When everyone looked up, Aura was no longer where she was. They turned see that she was where Scabies was, who looked pale with fear as blood came out the corner of his mouth. It was at the moment they all could see something big and slimy pulsating. Aura had drove her claws deep into Scabies, creating a huge hole in his chest and ripped his barely beating heart through his back. Never had anyone there seen someone do anything so ruthless without hesitation or mercy. Scabies was shocked by this revelation as well as he weakly turned to meet her deadly gaze.

Ozzy & Drix: (shocked and horrified at the scene)

All Germs: (jaws dropped in shocked)

Thrax: (shocked and amazed, yet horrified)

Scabies: (whimpers, choking on his blood) Uuuugh….

Aura: (whispers before crushing his heart with her bare claws) I’m gettin’ real tired of your first-year-psych-student bullshit.

Scabies: (weakly) Enjoy this…while you can. It’s the deepest…a man will never be…in…you (goes up in blue flames disappearing from existence)

All Germs: (go up blue flames as well at the death of their master)

Thrax: (stares in confusion of everything that just transpired)

Aura: Yeah, well, you’re dead, soooooooooooo…. (frustrated, unable give a retort) DAMMIT!!!

An hour had passed since the incident. Aura sat on the throne staring off into space with a soulless gaze. Ozzy and Drix were still in shock that she had that kind of force in her and were worried for the well being of her current mental state. Thrax was even more worried for Aura as he was still processing the fact that this was all his fault for turning her into this, feeling untold guilt that she had become as ruthless and virulent as he was. It was all completely opposite of the sweet soul she used to be. Unable to bear the silence anymore, one of them had to speak up.

Thrax: (came up and sat beside her, concerned) Soooooo…how are you doing, baby?

Aura: (glumly) Fine. Why?

Drix: (points out) Well, you did just kill someone.

Ozzy: Which in turn killed a bunch more.

Thrax: As someone who’s killed more than his fair share of organisms, I usually feel a great sense of satisfaction from it. Which makes me kinda wonder, doesn’t that make you feel…something?

Aura: (nonchalantly) Oh, feelings? Yeah, thanks to you, I no longer have those. Went cold turkey

Ozzy: (shocked) What?! Baby girl, you can’t just do that! What’s the point in living if you can’t feel happiness, wonder, love…?

Aura: (lights up a little) Or the sweet taste of revenge! You’re right, Ozzy! What’s the point in living if I can’t enjoy such simple things?

Thrax: (sighs before lightly smiling) Close enough.

Aura: (feels a slightly new sense of being) You guys are good friends. We should go on more missions like this.

Drix: Um, I don’t think so

Ozzy: Don’t take this the wrong way, sweetie. We’re grateful for your help, but you’re-…

Thrax: Like the worst person we’ve ever had to work with.

Aura: (silent for a moment before responding) Is that your big plan? Huh? Make me feel feelings so you can cut me down a peg? That cuts deep, guys. But I respect that.

Ozzy: Yeah, that’s kinda the problem. But I suppose it’ll all be worth it to have Leah back.

Aura: That’s the spirit. Let’s get started.

They set up the ritual circle where Drix took Leah’s corpse out of his compartment (to keep her body from decaying) and laid her in the center. Using her blood, Aura brought the Revival Gem to Leah’s body. As the drop of blood glowed from the gem’s power, it fell onto the body making it glow brightly. It got brighter and brighter until suddenly…

Gem Voice: *Lifeline time limit has expired*

Leah: (goes up in blue flames, disappearing)

Ozzy: (stares in shock at what just happened)

Aura: I’m…sorry for your loss

Ozzy: (bloodcurdlingly screams) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!

The aftermath of that incident was no better. After everything they went through, it was all a waste. And now Ozzy was running around the streets of Frank going on rampage, having officially lost the love of his life.

Thrax, Aura, & Drix: (suffers Ozzy’s wrath with some rather critical injuries, shocked)

Thrax: He took that well.