#To boldly go where I personally have never gone before

[walkthevalley]

It's my 1 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

This blog was started in the beginning of the absolute darkest season of my life. I thought it might act as a sort of sanity project. I figured if someone could get something good out of this God-forsaken time of my life, then at least it wouldn't be COMPLETELY pointless. Because I couldn't imagine that all this suffering, all this pain, all this aftermath of being robbed of what I held most prized and precious, could be for no purpose. It just COULDN'T be completely irrational, without reason, a random senseless act of spiritual and emotional violence with no rationale. I knew I'd always been unlucky despite being part Irish, but this was a new level of bad luck and I couldn't swallow the idea that it was a random targeted hit of abuse without some sort of purpose. Martyrdom seemed more tenable than whatever it was I was going through, because at least martyrs are considered special and noble and get posthumous honor for their sacrifice. So I decided to start this sanity project in case someone, somewhere out there in the great big wide world, needed something that I could provide in this damned season, which is the point of my life at which I knew I was damned to live without joy, without goodness, without fulfillment. I was responsible for picking up the pieces of all my broken dreams and putting them in the recycle bin in case someone else could use a piece to build their perfect life. Then my hollow and hopeless future may at least have a tiny dose of purpose...for someone else. Always for someone else. Never for me. I was a fool to think I could enjoy my life for me.

My first few posts on Walk the Valley were, admittedly, masks. I was pretending to be okay, or at least better than I actually was. I was pretending to be well forward on my journey of healing, putting out the image of a strong woman who don't need no man, who may get knocked down but gets right back up and spits on the ground he walks on. I was just pretending. I mean--don't take that the wrong way, what I said was absolutely honest, and I was actually trying to heal, and I don't think what I said before needs to be thrown out--but I was fooling myself. I was trying to put up the image that I was okay, when the truth was that every day I was faced with how dead I was inside and how merciless it was to force my body to carry on when my soul was gone. I was, not to put too fine a point on it, the walking dead. Twice in this season of my life, I flirted with the idea of allowing my body to match my soul. For more on that, read The Flames of Advent: Hope here on Walk the Valley. Probably should come with a trigger warning, as if what I've said so far hasn't needed one as well.

That post about the First Flame of Advent describes the pivotal time in this walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, this blog's namesake, at which my healing became real. Everything before that, well-meaning as it was, was nothing but a band-aid; the Hope candle was the beginning of my real journey of healing, beginning with the super-invasive surgery where they crack your ribs open and butterfly your chest so they can reach your heart, and you basically die for a minute while someone holds your heart in their hands. If you don't like graphic stuff, sorry, go find another blog because here I tell it like it is and imagery is my strong suit.

The heart is a fascinating organ and it can actually legitimately break with enough emotional trauma. This is a great video explaining the relevant heart anatomy and this is a quick detail of the bioscience of why this happens. Enjoy the bioscience behind that, and think before you break another heart.

I guarantee that had someone taken a chest x-ray of me last August, they would have seen tako-tsubo cardiomyopathy, described in the video I linked. Had someone been able to look inside my left ventricular apex, they would have seen those tendons snapped in half. I know what the Hell I felt. My physical heart was broken just as much as my emotional heart was, and the beginning of that healing came the day before Thanksgiving (so, three months later), when I hit rock bottom.

Most people don't realize ... rock bottom is your friend. Be grateful for rock bottom. Rock bottom saves you from being incinerated in the core of the earth.

We call it rock bottom as if it's the worst place you could possibly be. "Nowhere to go but up," somebody remarks glibly, not knowing what else to say but not willing to actually do anything to help either.

But rock bottom has another name. Geologists call it bedrock.

Bedrock is actually the best, most solid, most stable ground you could ever want to build on. Unless you're building on or near a fault line, rock bottom is the absolute best place to start building. It's the most solid foundation you could ask for.

So the next time you're at rock bottom and someone says, "Nowhere to go but up," reply, "Nothing left to do but start building." My smart ass would add, "I don't suppose you'd offer your help?" but you do you, sweetheart. You don't have to be the snarky-shark I am.

So, here we are one year later.

A year of learning the true meaning of healing, of pain, of Hamlet's soliloquy, of rock bottom, of rebirth.

One year later, I now understand that someone did need something out of this blog. Someone did need what I had to say about all this. Someone did need to be understood, to see their own experiences written down to know they're not alone. Someone did need Walk the Valley.

That someone was me.

What say you all, another year?

I believe I have a couple more Flames of Advent to write about.

[thecapricunt1616]

Orchid - (c.b. one-shot)

𝓑𝓵𝓾𝓻𝓫 (𝓜𝓸𝓻𝓮 𝓑𝓣𝓒): “How many girlfriends did you have when you were gone?” You asked. His fingers stopped momentarily, before continuing “What is considered a girlfriend?” He asked, causing you to giggle and shake your head a bit in amusement. Carmy, ever the emotionally unintelligent.  “A girl, who you really like, that you hang out with a lot and go on dates with and like…have sex with” you said the last part a tad shy. You felt his chest rumble in a chuckle behind you and your head snaps to the side to look at him “why are you laughing!?” You asked and he shrugged a bit, twirling the ends of your curls around his fingers  “None- but I did have a few one night stands when it came about. Why? We havin’ a competition?” He teased. You felt your cheeks get hot and you shook your head, laughing a bit  “I’d lose every time. I’ve never done anything. Well- we kiss. Like- now. But I’ve only been on a few dates but like…the other night on your couch you’re the only person I’ve done that kissing with.. that’s the most intense thing I’ve done like - ever - my…y’know was like really…” you blushed  Really, really fucking wet.  Carmen’s heart begins to race in his chest oh. Oh-  You’d meant earlier in the week, after 2 glasses of wine, you told Carmen he was ‘pretty when he smokes even though you hate it cause it’s bad for his lungs’ and that ended up in a kiss that turned sloppy, then it turned in to two kisses, then three- then it ended up being an entire make out session where you were pathetically squirming and rubbing your thighs together to get some kind of friction.  He vividly remembered it, he didn’t know you were a fucking virgin. Fuck. This information was going to ruin him.  “So you- you’ve never made out with someone and fuckin’ humped their leg like that before?” He teased boldly, causing you to gasp and hit his bicep playfully.  “Carmy! Humped your leg?! What am I- a dog?” You laughed and he wrapped his strong arm around your waist, easily pinning you to the couch and holding your arms veheath you with little effort and one arm.  “Mm-‘mmm- like a cat in heat, you’re like a little horny kitten” he said huskily in your ear and chuckled when you squirmed finally letting go and you sat up, flustered and incredibly turned on, but still too stubborn to let him know he had such control over you.  “Stop it. Not fair you have all these girls running you down. Do French girls really walk around topless?” You asked and he laughed shaking his head  “I’d have stayed in France if I got to look out my window and see tits all day. No they do not, but the nude beach thing is real. I just didn’t go because you kinda have to participate” he chuckles and you laughed imagining him trying to hide a boner at a beach.  “So your one night stands…what is it like? Sex?”  He was going to go fucking insane.

♡ 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐈𝐧𝐬𝐩𝐨: In the spiritual world, orchids can symbolize the search for truth, the ability to appreciate life's beauty, and the courage to be different. They can also evoke a sense of tranquility and inner peace, and In Irish culture, orchids can symbolize beauty, luxury, honor, dignity, and spiritual grace. ♡ 𝐒𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: Carmy is your childhood best friend, after he comes home & opens 'The Bear' you both realize you may have been hiding mutual feelings for eachother. ♡ 𝐖/𝐂: 10.1k+ (of mostly smut) ♡ 𝐀/𝐍: Hello all! Firstly this is DC to my AMAZING, SMART, WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL FRIEND @carmenberzattosgf ohhh Olive, this is the first time i'm writing you one of my proper novellas & I hope it is a lovely treat after all of your hard work after your test! This is a slight Self Insert for miss Olive, but can still be read as an x reader fic! I truly am proud of this smut & hope you love it Olive!!! 'olive'you to the moon and to saturn hehehe xoxoxo - Capri ♡ 𝐖𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐁𝐓𝐂:SMUT SMUT AND MORE SMUT, Childhood best friend trope, no use of y/n, r is called pet names like kitten, bunny, squish, size kink, squirting, overstim, dom!carmy, unprotected sex, p in v sex, AFAB reader, virgin!reader, corruption kink Carmy, aftercare, not edited (we die like bears. Pretend it’s perfect, ok?!)

♡ 𝐌𝐲 𝐋𝐢𝐧𝐤𝐬 ♡ ➵ 𝐂𝐡𝐞𝐜𝐤 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐦𝐲 𝐌𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐭 ♡ ➵ 𝐂𝐚𝐩𝐫𝐢𝐂𝐚𝐫𝐦𝐲 𝐨𝐧𝐞-𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐭 𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐩𝐚𝐠𝐞 ♡ ➵ 𝘊𝘭𝘪𝘤𝘬 𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘳𝘦𝘲𝘶𝘦𝘴𝘵 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 / 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘵 ♡ ➵ 𝐏𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐩𝐭 𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐫𝐞𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐬 ♡

You and Carmy had known each other for quite a few years. You were one grade below him, and in middle school, you became close. Every student was forced to join a club for some stupid reason, and you chose ‘reading club’.

To be expected, When you walked in, it was just a room where kids sat for an hour every Monday, Wednesday, and  Friday last period and read books silently. Carmy was sat in the back corner desk reading a Deadpool Vol. 2 comic book, so you plopped in the desk next to him and took out out a The Walking Dead comic. 

He looked a bit surprised, at first, but after 2 weeks of this he cleared his throat and nodded towards your comic

“Those uh…those any good?” He asked. His voice was soft, a bit higher than other guys in his grade. Your friendship blossomed from there, and all the way through high school. 

After he graduated, though, and left you for your senior year- he ended up drifting apart from you. You weren’t sure if it was because you were busy with school during the day or what- but he stopped calling as often. 

After Mikey died, though, and he came back to Chicago - naturally he leaned on you once again for support since you were one of his closest friends growing up. So over the past year, you two had once again became two peas in a pod. 

You helped with the restaurant renovations when he needed, also made sure to be a shoulder to cry on for him. He appreciated you more than you knew, and was surprised when he came back after all of this time and you were even more beautiful then when he left - if that was even possible at all. He had a crush on you when you were younger, but had so much anxiety that he thought he’d be labeled a perv or a weirdo if he was known to date a girl younger than him. 

Today you were sat on his couch, watching some cheesy Halloween Disney movie that you had insisted on watching because you couldn’t stand horror movies yet ‘still wanted to feel the fall spirit bear!’ To which he groaned and said it was still only the end of August. 

You were comfortably sat between his legs on his old couch you’d asked a million times why he hadn’t gotten rid of as he carefully thread his fingers through your hair. Suddenly, a question started bouncing around your mind that you realized you’d never asked the question to. 

You hadn’t really asked Carmy much about his time away from Chicago, you’d figured that if he was so desperate to leave home and didn’t even tell you there had to be a reason why, so even touching the topic seemed strange feeling to you. But you asked anyways

“How many girlfriends did you have when you were gone?” You asked. His fingers stopped momentarily, before continuing

“What is considered a girlfriend?” He asked, causing you to giggle and shake your head a bit in amusement. Carmy, ever the emotionally unintelligent. 

“A girl, who you really like, that you hang out with a lot and go on dates with and like…have sex with” you said the last part a tad shy. You felt his chest rumble in a chuckle behind you and your head snaps to the side to look at him “why are you laughing!?” You asked and he shrugged a bit, twirling the ends of your curls around his fingers 

“None- but I did have a few one night stands when it came about. Why? We havin’ a competition?” He teased. You felt your cheeks get hot and you shook your head, laughing a bit 

“I’d lose every time. I’ve never done anything. Well- we kiss. Like- now. But I’ve only been on a few dates but like…the other night on your couch you’re the only person I’ve done that kissing with.. that’s the most intense thing I’ve done like - ever - my…y’know was like really…” you blushed 

Really, really fucking wet. 

Carmen’s heart begins to race in his chest oh. Oh- 

You’d meant earlier in the week, after 2 glasses of wine, you told Carmen he was ‘pretty when he smokes even though you hate it cause it’s bad for his lungs’ and that ended up in a kiss that turned sloppy, then it turned in to two kisses, then three- then it ended up being an entire make out session where you were pathetically squirming and rubbing your thighs together to get some kind of friction. 

He vividly remembered it, he didn’t know you were a fucking virgin. Fuck. This information was going to ruin him. 

“So you- you’ve never made out with someone and fuckin’ humped their leg like that before?” He teased boldly, causing you to gasp and hit his bicep playfully. 

“Carmy! Humped your leg?! What am I- a dog?” You laughed and he wrapped his strong arm around your waist, easily pinning you to the couch and holding your arms veheath you with little effort and one arm. 

“Mm-‘mmm- like a cat in heat, you’re like a little horny kitten” he said huskily in your ear and chuckled when you squirmed finally letting go and you sat up, flustered and incredibly turned on, but still too stubborn to let him know he had such control over you. 

“Stop it. Not fair you have all these girls running you down. Do French girls really walk around topless?” You asked and he laughed shaking his head 

“I’d have stayed in France if I got to look out my window and see tits all day. No they do not, but the nude beach thing is real. I just didn’t go because you kinda have to participate” he chuckles and you laughed imagining him trying to hide a boner at a beach. 

“So your one night stands…what is it like? Sex?” 

He was going to go fucking insane. 

“Uhhh-“ he feels blood rushing to his cock and casually rested his hand over his lap to conceal it “like- well f’me it’s different. But girls…well. Good- a lot of the girls I’ve been with say it feels good because it feels…complete. Like, full, like that’s how they wanna feel all the time. Which I mean when I’m fucking their pussy I could probably say the same but I guess that’s the best way to explain it. Full” he shrugged a bit, grabbing the throw pillow now and resting it over his lap as his explanation had his mind racing with each and every thing he wanted to show you. 

“Full” you repeated. Maybe that’s what you were missing. You had tried sticking your fingers inside once or twice but it never felt good, so you didn’t understand why other people would say it felt so good. The only thing that you found good oh, so good. Was rubbing your clit. 

Thinking about it being carmys hands other then your own made you get to this point where your toes would curl and legs would shake, it felt like fireworks. It always ended with your hips and said little twitching. Sometimes you realized if you went for too long, it would pulse. 

“Ye’ - have you ever tried anything yourself?” He asked, swallowing thickly after the question. He couldn’t lie, the only thing saving his dignity was the small throw pillow he had basically glued to his crotch with his hand. His cock was suffocating, painfully hard and throbbing against the confines of his vintage Levi jeans. 

“Oh yeah- yeah. It just… it’s never good I dunno maybe I don’t know how to do it right or something” you said, oblivious to the fact of what him holding that pillow even meant.  “Why don’t I show you so you can make yourself feel good, mmm? It’s a good thing to know, I’ll help you out ,  wouldn’t want you missin’ out, princess”

That’s how tonight started. Now, you were on your back on Carmy’s bed, completely bare, he was fucking coaching you on how to touch yourself. “So- show me how you start” he was sat in front of you, full view of your pussy. Your cheeks hadn’t ever felt hotter, but your mind was buzzing with excitement none the less. 

“Uh- like, well, whenever I try to put in a finger or something it hurts, so I just…” you spread your thighs wider, putting a bit of spit on your fingers before beginning to rub at your clit in slow, gentle circles. You took a deep breath at the pleasure it brought, meanwhile Carmy was watching your every move with a lustful gaze. His usually icy blue eyes were currently the blue of the midnight sky, lit with the dancing northern lights of being the first person to see you, to get the potential to deflower you. 

“How’s it feel?” he questioned. His voice was husky but soft, laced with honeyed desire. If he was any less than strictly disciplined, the sight of his childhood crush laying in front of him, spread out like something from a high school dream of his, touching herself - the prospect that she’d waited for him - he’d be mounting you like a fucking dog - but, the gentleman he was, he just watched, clutching the blankets at his sides to stop his trembling anticipatory hands.

“It- uh” you giggle nervously, “good - I um… I feel myself getting really wet I don’t wanna ruin your sheets did you wanna grab like…a towel-”

“No- no. That's fine, that's- that’s the fun of it. I love that, make a mess please make a mess, sweetheart. That's how I know you’re feeling good” he explained quickly. You swallowed thickly and nod, still feeling a bit weary on just allowing yourself to make a mess of his sheets, but if he really didn’t mind…

On the other hand Carmy literally had to squeeze his cock through the confines of his jeans so that he could ease the throb that was happening. As you nodded in agreement to his statement, moving your middle and ring finger around your clit a bit faster, adding a bit more pressure, he nearly groaned as your jaw fell slightly slack, letting out the prettiest little breathy whine he’d ever heard in his life. 

Your back arched in the most sensual way, your eyes fluttering shut and he took the opportunity to get his jeans unbuttoned and unzipped, sighing at the great relief of pressure that was imprisoning his cock and resting back on one hand as he watched you, biting his bottom lip as you reached your other hand up and grabbed at your breast, gently tugging at your nipple and whining gently. 

“And uh-  this- I like this - feels good” your eyes fluttered open as you explained and he nodded quickly, as if he was taking mental notes of every single thing you said and did, and storing it in a file folder of his brain. 

“Yeah? Has anyone ever sucked on y’tits before, princess?” he asked in that soft, low way. He knew the answer to the question, of course he knew the fucking answer - you’d admitted to him that you hadn’t as much as made out with a guy before now, but he loved to hear you say it. He wanted to hear over, and over, and over, that he was the first person to make you feel good, the only person. The way he said it made your core clench around nothing - and now he could see it clear as day. It made the edges of his lips curl into a slight smirk when he noticed, having the urge to lean forward and catch the drip of creamy white arousal that gushed out of your pretty tight hole with his finger and pull it into his mouth, he wondered if he could make you squirt. “N-no- No uh… no one” you admit, please, please offer you begged with your eyes to which thankfully he agreed since he said

“Would you mind if I try, so we see if you like it?” he sat up a bit when you nod, expecting a verbal answer. He continued sitting, and you stared at eachother for a moment until he finally said “One thing that won’t work w’me is not usin’ y’r words, angel” he said in that breathy way that made you shiver, his tone sweet but firm. 

“Please, yes please” you said, voice meek and shy, just above a whisper. You had gotten so lost in his eyes that your hand stopped moving and when he noticed this as he shifted to get comfortable next to you, he said

“You can keep touching yourself, pretty girl” He kissed down your neck with hot, open mouthed kisses, leaving a trail of saliva that gave you a chill as he moved down to your same breast that you were just paying attention to with your fingers, so you move your hand to your other breast. He kissed over the flesh of your breast, looking up at you and gauging your reaction as you continued making quick circles around your clit, the sound of your wetness causing a faint click to be heard throughout the room. 

“If you want me to stop at any point, just say stop - ok? It doesn’t matter why, if you aren’t enjoying something say stop” he told you truthfully. You nodded and smiled a bit, your belly swarming with butterflies at the way he was so focused on making sure you felt safe and heard during your first experience that was so intimate. 

“I’ll be sure” you promised and he continued kissing around your breast until he got to your nipple. He ran his lips over it lightly, teasing the bud with his lips gently before sticking out his tongue and flicking it over the sensitive bud in a way that made you shiver slightly. Once he’d gotten your sensitive bud perky he took it into his mouth, sucking on it lightly and swirling his tongue around it in a way that made you moan out, eyes fluttering shut and head dropping back. 

“Oh- mmhmm- yeah, feels nice” you breathe, causing him to smirk around your flesh, bringing his hand up to your other breast, gently nudging your hand out of the way and taking over. You gasped as he rolled your other nipple between his fingers, a small twinge of pain flicking through you - but mixed with the feeling of his lips and tongue on your breast, and you fingers now quickly working at your clit in tight up and down strokes, your stomach beginning to clench and tighten. Your breathing got quicker, turning into little pants as you got closer and closer to your peak. He removed himself from your nipple with a pop, looking up at you 

“Gettin’ there, huh baby?” he confirmed, he could tell by the way you were whimpering and your thigh was twitching every so often that you were about to fall over. In response you nod quickly, mind fuzzy and eyes still closed. “Lemme show y’somethin” he takes his hand away from your breast, returning his mouth to your other nipple and gently applying pressure to your lower abdomen right below your naval. The pleasure was simply mind numbing, you weren’t sure how just a simple palm under your bellybutton could make you gasp, but here you were. The noises you were making were sinful, whiney, hot, even to your own standards - you didn’t even know you could make noises like this. 

“Tha’s it kitten, such a good girl - make yourself cum” he increases the pressure and you cry out as you’re thrown over the edge, hips jerking and shivering. Your thighs quivered, and he released his palm from your stomach to hold it and rub it gently as you continued working yourself through your high. Once he saw you finally take your fingers away from your clit once you began to feel overstimulated he pulls away from your breast once again and takes your hand, looking at the sticky creamy strings dripping down your fingers. 

“Can I clean these up for you angel?” he asked and your mouth dropped a bit at the questioned, your already twitching clit feeling like it leapt. 

“Yes- please do” you said softly. You thought he was going to be so gentlemanly and take his t-shirt off and wipe them for you so you didn’t have to get up and wash your hands since your legs felt like jelly, but what he did was even better. He parted his lips, opening his mouth and taking your fingers all the way to the back of his tongue, before closing his lips around them and sucking them, swirling his tongue around them like he did your nipple and the sensation caused a moan to escape your throat, which in turn he huffed a chuckle through his nose. 

Once your fingers were cum free, he pulled off of them with a similar pop as earlier on your breast and looked at you with a hazy lust filled smile “You did so good, squish” he said and you blushed, the sound of your childhood nickname in such an intimate moment making you feel extra shy. You giggled a bit as he cupped your cheeks with his dry hand before squishing them and pulling you close to give you short sweet pecks all over your face and finally landing on your lips. 

“Thank you - I’ve never finished that fast I think” you said and he smirked, resting his forehead on yours 

“Yeah? Bet I could make you do it again, and faster” he mused softly, his breath fanning your lips and you could smell the taste of yourself on his tongue, causing your heart to flutter in your chest. You hadn’t even tasted that before, let alone anyone else. 

“I’d bet you can’t” you teased, ever egging on the forever running competition between you two. “Especially after I just finished, that’d take forever” you smirk and he snorts a laugh, sitting up a bit. 

“Is that a challenge, squish?” he asked and you shrug, 

“If you think you can handle it, sure” you spread your legs again as he sat up fully and got you situated between his thighs and comfortably sitting against his chest. 

You didn’t know what you were getting yourself into.

“Not only can I handle it, I can do it without touching your clit if you trust me” he said cockily and you look back at him 

“Always trust you bear” you said sweetly. He felt butterflies in his stomach, bending his head down and giving you a long, gentle kiss, the kind of kiss that made the hair on the back of your neck stand up. It felt like the kiss of a summer breeze, sweet and relaxing

“Ok, I know you said that you’ve tried fingering yourself and it didn’t feel good, but I wanna try- Like I said before, just say stop any time, ye’?” he assured and remembering what he said about needing to use your words you nod and added a soft ‘yes’  to confirm your understanding. “Good girl” he purred, kissing your forehead and nudging his thigh under yours, pries your legs a bit further open. 

“So usually you’re gonna wanna do what you just did before you start fingering yourself, kitten - gotta get yourself nice and wet, if you can make yourself cum before you start that’s even better. But you wanna start with just one knuckle, middle finger is best usually” he explained, his lips pressed to the shell of your ear and hot breath tickling your neck as he whispered low and soft. 

“Uh- uh-huh” you said, swallowing thickly as you watched his finger slowly swirl around your hole, collecting creamy white arousal and slowly pulling it away so there would be a string as he held it up to show. 

“See that, all that sweet shit? That’s what you need for it to feel good baby” he rubbed his thumb with his middle finger, spreading them apart to show you the sticky stringy mess when he had barely touched you yet. “You’ve tasted yourself, right angel?” he nipped at your earlobe gently, pulling it with his teeth and you whimper softly. 

“No- I- I haven’t” you admitted, breath hitching when he tuts, disappointed, 

“You have to, you have the sweetest pussy I’ve ever tasted, squish, go ahead- s’like fuckin candy” he swipes his middle and forefinger over your hole all the way up to your sensitive clit, making your hips twitch a bit as he collected the fingerfull of white cream and brought it up to your lips. You opened without a second thought, and he thrusts his fingers in your mouth in such a way that made you groan a bit at the heavy feeling of his fingers on your tongue. He was right, you did taste sweet. Heady, but wonderful. He hummed as your eyes fluttered shut and you enjoyed the taste. 

“See? Thank you for letting me be the first person to taste you babygirl” he kissed your temple as he gently eased his tattooed fingers out of your mouth after you licked them clean. The statement leaving his lips made his cock twitch, fuck, no one had ever had such a effect on him before, as if there was fireworks popping in his veins. 

You looked up at him, leaning up and connecting your lips in another one of those kisses that made your heart skip a beat or two. He gently squeezed at the plush of your thigh, his nails creating light half moon shaped indents in the flesh which caused a sweet whimper to leave your throat “Carmy please touch me” you begged, before trying to bring your lips back to his and he inched his face away teasingly. 

“Use your words, pretty girl” he purred, gently grazing his teeth over your jaw and nipping gently. You arched your hips, trying to get him to rub at your clit again, kissing his lips with a passionate open mouthed kiss and taking his hand, putting it over your heat and grinding over his fingers, huffing a breath of relief when you felt his strong fingers brushing over your clit. He huffed a chuckle into your lips, dipping his fingers down and swirling the tip of his middle finger over your entrance after spreading you out with his fingers, gently prodding just the tip of it in. You bit down on his lip gently, pulling away and letting it snap back into place. 

“I wanna try that with you…maybe it’ll feel better when someone else does it” you admit shyly, hand moving to cover your breast when you realized that it was still just you sprawled out and naked on his bed, he had only unbuttoned his jeans at this point. “An’ I want you to take this off” you said just above a whisper, voice honeyed with innocence as you tugged at the hem of his shirt. 

“M’sorry baby I didn’t mean to strip you down an’not join you, I just had t’get a fuckin’ taste been wantin’it f’so long” he admitted, sitting up and pulling his shirt off with one tug, his curls becoming even more ruffled in the process before settling back against the headboard, your back now warmed by the feeling of his chest pressed against it. He pulled your thigh open again wider this time, and went back to rubbing your clit in gentle, slow circles that had your head dropping back on his shoulder. 

“Like we said you tell me if s’too much yea?” he said gently in your ear before kissing the base of your neck and you hum, muttering a yes, that turned into a gasp as he picked up the speed of his fingers.

“Yes- god- please, yes Carmy” you weren’t sure what exactly you were begging for, but knew if it was anything like up to this point- 

You were going to enjoy yourself just fine.

You felt so hot, You had lost track of how many times Carmy had made you cum on his fingers at this point, your brain had turned to mush after number 5 and you just became a pathetic moaning mess beneath him only knowing ‘yes’ and ‘no’. The sheets beneath you felt soaked with your arousal, and you could barely keep your eyes open. You felt another one coming as your thighs had began to shake and you were squirming in Carmys lap as he held your thighs open with his knees hooked over yours to keep them from closing. 

“Awww y’gonna cum f’me again bunny? Mmm? You sound so fuckin’ pretty when you cum, beggin’ me to keep goin- fucked you stupid and you havent even had my cock yet” he edged you on in that soft husky voice you loved right in the shell of your ear. Your jaw had come slack, and hips rutted up beyond your control to meet his fingers and draw them deeper - how he’d stretched you open to accommodate 3 was still baffling to you 

“Yes- yesyesyesyesyes” you babbled, feeling him chuckle at your eagerness. He had never been so fucking hard in his life, but being the disciplined partner in the bedroom he was, he wanted to be sure that you were essentially in tears begging for his cock by the time he gave it to you and he was well on his way there. 

“Yeah? Yeah you wanna cum angel? What if I do this, mmm? On that spot we found” he purrs in  your ear, finding that spot that made you nearly stop breathing and stars of white to form behind your lids and continued to pump his fingers in that come hither motion you knew would get you to your peak faster, but what you didn’t know was he was going to rub the pad of his palm right over your clit that was aching for attention in such a way you felt a pit at the base of your stomach so white hot with pleasure that all you could do was quickly look down to see what on earth could feel so good just as a gush of creamy white covers his fingers and drips down his wrist, going as far as to drop to the crook of his arm and the most mind-melting orgasm washed over you after that. 

He worked you through it, of course, purring filthy praises in your ear about creaming so pretty on his fingers, and how the noises you made were something close to angelic. He kissed over the side of your face, down to your jaw, and neck, nibbling over the little marks that he’d left on your collarbones as he slowed down the thrusting of his fingers. 

“Let’s see what kinda mess you made, babygirl” he eased his fingers out, the empty feeling causing you to whine a bit that he caught quickly in a kiss, sucking on your already plump and kiss-bitten bottom lip, by the time he pulled away to look your mind was hazy and kiss drunk. “Wow” he mutters, utterly amazed with your release, holding up his sticky right hand and spreading his fingers apart to demonstrate the sweet stringy white cream covering his digits.

“You want some baby?” he sucked the tips of his fingers sensually, moaning hotly at the taste, enjoying it so much that his lust blown blue eyes fluttered shut for a moment. You took his hand, taking his fingers and opening wide, sucking them clean. You hum softly at the satly sweet taste, definitely different then just your slick from earlier. 

“Good girl- always so good f’me mm?” he braised, cupping your cheek with his other hand and you didnt take your eyes off him as you began to slowly bob your head back and forth, causing his jaw to fall slack watching as your eyes got friskier, he knew you knew what you were doing. “Are you a good girl?” he mocked “That isn’t good girl behavior” he teased, causing you to pull off his fingers with a satisfying pop, licking your lips of the additional release that coated them.

“What if I said no, would I be in trouble” you muse, a frisky smile dancing on your lips. You giggled how you did when he knew you were up to something. 

“Ohhh do you want to be punished?” He grabs your face, “open up this filthy fuckin mouth mm?” He said and you stuck your tongue out teasingly. “Noooo, I said open” he tapped your cheek lightly and you relented, opening your mouth for him and sticking your tongue out wide just to tease. 

“Aaahhh” you said teasingly until you heard and felt him spit a hot glob of saliva into your mouth that tasted like your arousal coating your tongue. You opened your eyes to see him smirking down at you cockily. 

“Now swallow since you wanna act like such a little slut mmm?” He pushed your jaw closed and you swallow right away, looking up at him stunned but impossibly turned on, not quite sure how to even respond as you never thought it was an option. 

“Can you do it again please” you open your mouth and rest your head back. He chuckled, shaking his head a bit as he collected a generous glob in the front of his mouth before connecting his lips to yours, letting it fall over your tongue and you moan softly drinking it down like a magical elixir while you kiss over his lips. He pulled away just enough to speak 

“Already turned you into a little fuckin’ whore f’me, mm?” He strokes your cheek gently with his now dry but slightly sticky hand from your cum and you turned your face to the side, capturing your lips around his thumb and sucking lightly as you look into his eyes, bobbing your head slowly and his breath hitched a bit. 

“Have you ever sucked cock?” He asked, his voice soft and husky. You get your cheeks heat at the bluntness of the question. 

“N-no,” you managed, your voice sheepish. 

“Y’wanna try, you can say no, of course, but you seem to have…” he pried your mouth open with his thumb again, brushing the pad of it over your tongue and as if it was a routine you closed your lips around it and swirled your tongue, bobbing your head slightly and he squished your cheeks with his hand “an oral fixation. So let’s put it to better use then cleanin’ the cum offa’ my fingers, mm?” He said in such a way that made a shiver go down your spine. 

“Yea- I might not be good-“ you start to apologize and he put his finger to your lips, stopping you 

“I can teach you.” He promised and you nodded gently, holding onto his forearm and gently taking the finger into your mouth all the way to the base and humming softly when you felt him pressing on the back of your tongue more, and more until you gagged and coughed into his hand. “Good girl, first thing is you need some spit” he pushed his boxers and jeans down enough to free his throbbingly hard cock, it coming up and slapping his stomach with a small fleshy sound that made your mouth water as you looked at it. 

Veiny, thick, adorned with a little bush of dark curls at the base, balls that looked like the perfect handful- he was prettier then you’d though. “You’ve seen a dick before, right?” He teased as he grabbed it, twisting his wrist as he covered it with the slick and tightening his jaw a bit as he got used to the sensation. 

Carmen was used to being pent up weeks at a time, of not having barely 10 minutes to sit and jack off without the sound of an email coming in and completely killing his boner - when he was quite literally almost there. So he was an expert at edging himself by this point, getting to cum for him was well- a luxury. And he knew if he was gonna cum anywhere tonight, he wanted it to be your pussy obviously or your mouth- or face, depending on the mood but he knew for your first time covering your face in cum and taking a picture of it may be a little nerve wracking, so that was more just a fantasy - but mouth or pussy would please him greatly. 

“Yes- ive seen a dick… not like…in real life. But I’ve seen them In like…I saw porn a few times.” You admit shyly and his cock twitched in the confines of his hand at your admission. 

Shiiiiiiit he thought to himself in his head, resisting the urge to just choke the fuck out of his cock and get this over with, finally get that release that his stomach was starting to hurt for. But he didn’t, he couldn’t. He’d been waiting for so long for this, that the thought of wasting the opportunity instead of having your mouth on his cock and he would rather get back with Claire then miss this opportunity. 

“Yeah- mm tell me what kinda porn did you watch princess-“ he grunted a bit as he continued lightly stroking himself. You decided to take it upon yourself to straddle his thighs, and gently grab his wrist. 

“I’ll tell you, but can I do this part?” You asked. Carmy was convinced he could cum right there so he grabbed the base of his cock, squeezing tight thinking of anything he could to not just bust and have it spurt all the way onto your tits like a loaded fucking gun. 

“Yeah- course baby” he let go of it, guiding your hand to the base and wrapping his hand around yours, stomach muscles tightening when he felt the sheer size and softness of your hand. “Jesus Christ-“ he muttered to himself as he slowly started working your hands up and down his length, his abs contracting with each twist of your wrist over his sensitive tip. “Tell me- was it, fuck was it like this? Er was it rough?” He asked, and you found yourself easing over onto his Jean clad thigh and rubbing your pussy back and forth over the denim to ease the throb that began to build there. You let out a soft wanton moan before responding 

“Uh- mmm- I- I think that uh- it was pretty rough” you admit, grinding yourself a bit harder when he tightens his hand around yours and moves your hands in tandem faster 

“Yeah? Was she screamin’? Did she cream all over his cock like I made you do?” He asked and your cheeks go pink at the reminder, not like the milky creamy stain sitting a few inches to your left didn’t remind you enough of just the mess he can have you making. 

“Uh- hnngg” your thoughts practically melt as you brought yourself closer to the edge moving your hips in tandem with his hand and jaw falling slack 

“Awwww are you makin’ y’self cum on my leg? You’re humping my leg princess mmm?” He cooed, moving his hand slower and watched as you slowed your hips “y’wanna cum on my leg? Mmm?” He asked and you nodded fervently, brain feeling fuzzy and lower stomach wound tight with that need, every pass of his strong thigh covered by roughly starched denim over your twitching sensitive nub causing that coil to wrap tighter, and tighter getting ready to snap at any moment. “Yeah? You wanna cum on my leg- er come on my cock” he asked and your eyes shot open -

not having realized for whatever reason that was definitely an option.

After a quick begging session of telling Carmy it would be okay to not use a condom since you had a birth control insert - it was making it harder and harder for Carmy to maintain his composure with every word passed from your pretty plump lips. 

You were on your back, legs spread impossibly wide- Carmy brought out a flexibility in you you didn’t know existed, even though you guessed you’d likely be sore tomorrow. He grabbed lube from his nightstand, a dark purple bottle that read astroglide : water based lubricant on the side and opened the cap, squirting a decent glob in his hand. 

“S’gonna be cold but it’s ok, everythings gonna get real hot in here in a second” he mused, stroking himself a few times to get himself coated before rubbing the rest over your already dripping hole and clit. He just wanted to be sure. He was right though, the feeling of the icy gel made goosebumps appear on your lower stomach that he began to kiss away as he rubbed at your clit gently 

“Y’need me T’stretch you again just say the word, ok?” He confirmed, lining himself up with your entrance. You nodded reaching out for his hand and he took it in his, lacing your fingers together and kissing it sweetly “nervous, baby?” He asked in that soft sweet way that made your heart melt into a puddle in your chest. 

Well, not anymore you thought. 

“No- i promise ill tell you if it hurts” you assured him. He supported the leg that was curled around his waist with his strong arm, hoisting it up onto his shoulder 

“It’ll feel good this way, trust” he gently nudged his tip in, causing you both to moan out a bit. “Holy fucking shit squish” he grunted out. Just the tip and he was already gritting his teeth to hold it together and not cream pie you before he even thrusted once.  

“Wow- wow” you said breathlessly and when he rubbed your clit your toes curled and spine arched off the bed slightly. “Fuck- yes- oh yes, yesyesyes” you babble as he sinks in deeper. Your eyes were shut in bliss, but his were wide as an owl, taking in your everything. 

Every breath, every moan, every twitch and arch and curve - it was like watching art. “God- so fuckin beautiful” he said as he sunk in another inch, rubbing your clit in tighter circles and he began to feel that tight pulsing he knew meant you were right on the edge he had felt on his fingers so many times tonight, but now that it was around his cock- his mind went blank. Completely fucking blank. He wasn’t sure if he was asked what his name was in that moment he’d have an answer, like every single bit of information he’d ever learned had vanished into an abyss. The only thing he could do was let out a series of whiney moans and grunts that hurled you into an orgasm that has tears pricking in the corners of your eyes. 

“Oh fuck- yessss babygirl cum on my fuckin cock- god- such a good fuckin girl” he praised once he finally found his tongue, using the oppertunity to sink in fully to the hilt and you cry out, grabbing at his arm and gripping it with your nails causing him to grunt “fuck- gonna scratch me up kitten? Mmm? Let everyone at work know I rocked your shit?” He thrust just a bit harder and you dragged your nails down his arm, gasping at the sensation when he threw your other leg on his shoulder and you felt him impossibly deep. 

It was all consuming how full you felt, quite frankly it was addicting. The mushroom shaped tip of his cock was massaging over that incredible spot deep inside you that made you see stars in your vision. You didn’t even notice that he was staring at the bulge showing up in your belly with each deep thrust of his cock. 

“Jesus fuckin hell - look a’this, bunny” he taps your cheek lightly for your attention and rubs his hand over that little bulge and he groans as he can feel the tips of his fingers pressing over his cock as he thrusts up. The sight is incredible, unimaginably hot. You brushed his hand out of the way and gently press, causing you both to moan out in pure ecstasy. 

“Oh- oh fuck fuck” he rambled, sweat dripping down his toned muscle and chain swinging against his glistening chest. You had the bright idea many times before but were never given the golden opportunity (pun intended)  to suck on the little gold pendant no matter how many times it ever so teasingly dangled in front of your face. Since it was now or never, you hook your finger around the necklace and pull him closer and closer until you could pull it into your mouth and he groans hotly as you suck on it, wrapping it around your tongue. 

“I always catch you starin’ at that, y’know that sweetheart?” He smirked down at you, continuing his slow deep strokes and putting his hand back over that little Carmen shaped swell he was leaving just below your naval. You felt your cheeks run hot never realizing that you had made it so obvious the appreciation you had for his chain. What could you say? The man wore it well. 

“S’not my fault you look so good in your white shirts and chains. You drive me crazy” you admit, letting the necklace fall from your lips. He hummed softly at your admission, tilting your face up and capturing your lips in a kiss, cupping your cheek to hold you to his mouth and continue kissing you, quicker, more fervent as he sped up the snapping of his hips causing you to mewl into his mouth, and for his breath to fan out of his nose against your upper lip in hot short pants as he trailed his hands down over your neck, lingering there for a moment which for whatever reason sent fireworks shooting off in your belly, before sliding down and finding the swell of your breasts that were bouncing with each rough snap of his hips. 

The sound throughout the room was the lewd wet slapping of skin, as well as whiney little moans tearing from your throat with each time his hips bounced off the meat of your ass from the intensity of his thrusts. He grabbed your breasts, one in each hand and thrummed over your nipples with the pads of his thumbs, squeezing them in his palms, pushing them together, just utterly enjoying himself kneading the balls of flesh. 

The boyishness of it caused you to pull away so you wouldn’t laugh into his mouth and look down at his large tattooed hands massaging and squishing your breasts. “Havin’ fun, Bear?” You teased and he pinched your nipples playfully causing you to gasp at the mix of pain and pleasure. 

“I am havin’ fun- aren’t you havin’ fun?” He confirmed, letting go of the sensitive buds of flesh so you could find the mind to reply you nod quickly and he cupped your jaw, slowing his thrusts “words” he reminded 

“The most fun I’ve ever fucking had now keep touching my tits” you giggled, taking his palm and bringing it back to your breast and he snorts a laugh. 

“I’ve created a monster, mmm?” He teased, quickening his thrusts again and you nod with a hot mewl as he buries himself to the hilt and grinds his hips in such a way that his cock was rutting against your special spot, in turn causing you to gush around his cock how you did earlier and your legs shake as another one of those intense orgasms washed over you, your eyes nearly rolling back as your lids flutter shut and jaw dropped. There was the roaring of blood in your ears, your back arching off the bed as your jaw fell slack and you let something out between a scream and a cry, “fuuuckfuckfuck Carmy fuckkkk” you cry out, the warmth flooding the sheets below you to the point you could hear the trickle of it. 

“So fuckin hot Jesus Christ you’re so fuckin hot baby- soakin my fuckin cock like this I’m gonna fuckin fill up this pussy” he grunts, his thrusts becoming spurratic and he took his thumb, massaging it over your clit and laying his 4 fingers in such a way he could press in and feel himself fuck you as he did before. 

The pleasure was so mind numbing you felt like jelly, the only thing in your brain currently was how if he kept doing this you were surely going to soak his mattress and have to buy him a new one, but for whatever reason your brain couldn’t connect with your mouth and the thought left as quick as it came. “You still want that kitten? Mm? Want me to cum in y’r tight pussy, yea? Make you mine?” He kissed over your ankle and down your calf as he waited for an answer. When he didn’t get one he spanks you lightly causing you to squeak in surprise “I said. Do you want me to cum inside you still? Mm? You fuckincockdrunk over there?” He said teasingly and you nodded quickly 

“Yes - t’both, probably” you admit and he chuckled, bending over and giving you a chaste kiss to the temple 

“Such a good girl” he praised, rubbing your clit quicker so you would clench around him. You squirmed beneath him, sensitive from your last orgasm but not able to tell him to stop- it felt too fucking good. “I know Angel- I know, almost there fuck jus’ a minute” he grunted, thrusting harder and groaning out hotly. “Thaaaas’ it - fuck so fuckin close bunny gonna fill up this pretty pussy- so fuckin tight god” he moaned out hotly, head dropping back in bliss as he absolutely wrecked you. 

But you couldn’t help but look at him with half lidded blissed out eyes thinking that he looked like the incarnate of a Greek fucking statue that has an enormous cock. “Fuckin need it- need it- make me yours Carmy” you begged out, finally finding your voice again when you felt him twitch inside of you. He had helped you over the edge tonight - showed you what it meant to feel good - so you figured the least you could do is help him get there once. 

“Yeah? Tell me again baby, what do you need?” He rasps, finding it harder to hold back, but he had to hear you say it. 

“Cum inside of me, Bear. Make me yours, mark me.” You said between gasps and mewls, and he couldn’t hold back anymore. His eyes squeeze shut as he thrusts a few more times before setting himself inside you to the hilt and moaning hotly as he releases a huge hot string of cum inside of you, groaning as he thrusts slowly, releasing spurt after spurt of white cream that felt so warm, so right. 

“Thank you- thank you squish, thank you” he rambled, cum gushing down the curve of your ass onto the sheets as he milked himself of every last drop with the help of your tight cunt. “God you are so fucking perfect” he said, his voice honeyed with lust and admiration. You pulled him to lay on top of you, his cock still deep inside. “I can pull out whenever-“

You interrupt him with a sweet, gentle, open mouthed kiss running your tongue over his and nudging your noses together gently before whispering  “Let’s just stay like this for a while”

You stayed like that for about 15 minutes, until Carmy told you that he had to get you cleaned up and make sure that you used the restroom since you had gone so many rounds. By that time though, you had gotten all too comfortable with your leg around his waist and nuzzled into his neck, starting to fall asleep. 

“But I don’t even haveee to peee” you whined, causing him to huff a chuckle, rubbing your side encouragingly. 

“You have to do a few things before we nap, ok? I’ll even carry you cmon, let me up little monkey” he teased, picking up your arm and dropping it. You pretended it was dead weight, mushing your cheek into his chest more, enjoying the smell of his sweat mixed with his cologne. 

“Mm comfy here” you mused and he gently brushed your sweaty auburn hair from your forehead. 

“I can tell you’re comfy cause you sound like you’re about t’fall asleep, squish. I was gonna make you a grilled cheese- if you listen” he mused and your head perked up. 

“The one with the Parmesan on the outside so it’s all crunchy?” You asked hopefully and he smiled adoringly, brushing his thumb over your cheekbone 

“And creamy tomato soup” he added and you peeled your arm from around him, sweaty skin sticking together as you pulled your bodies apart. You stretched, wincing a bit at the feeling in your lower back. 

“Mm- we went hard” you said, and he gently helped hoist you so you were sitting up 

“We did- sorry - was it too much?” He slipped on his boxers and came over to your side of the bed, scooping you up bridal style and kissing your forehead sweetly as he padded over to his en suite bathroom, gently setting you on the toilet and pulling out a good amount of toilet paper, folding it for you as you went. 

“It wasn’t- ew why is my pee like…hot” you laughed causing him to chuckle as well as he handed over the toilet paper, before turning to the sink to wash his hands to give you privacy while you cleaned yourself up. 

“Uh- kinda stupid but I read in this book that f’girls it like… is a defense thing for bacteria er’ some shit?” He chuckled and you giggle as you flush the toilet 

“You read a sex book- woah-“ you attempted getting up but your thighs felt impossibly weak, and if it wasn’t for Carmy quickly noticing and dropping the hand towel to quickly grab your arms and steady you, you’d have fallen. 

“Woahh there, Bambi, lemme help you, yeah? S’what I’m here for” he assured you and carefully helped you over to the counter, holding you up by your waist so you could wash your hands. 

“Thanks- sorry. Dunno why I feel like I just ran 15 miles I barely did anything” you said shyly as you rinsed your hands with soap and water. 

“S’just your first time, baby. It’s all normal don’ worry” he said, planting gentle kisses along your neck down to your shoulder where he’d left little purple marks. 

“Oh-“ you said a bit worriedly as you saw the scratch marks in the mirror that you’d left on his bicep, so deep they looked nearly bruised,  touching over them with your finger lightly “I hurt you- I’m so sorry” you whisper, looking down at them and he shook his head. 

“Don’t worry kitten, loved it, felt good” he kissed your cheek gently and scooped you back up with ease, carrying you to his laundry room and sitting you on top of the dryer 

“What are we in here for?” You questioned and he grabbed a pair of clean boxers from his hamper as well as one of his old the beef t-shirts that had been freshly washed as well. 

“T’get you dressed so you don’t freeze to death” he said as if it was obvious, forgetting that your clothes that laid beneath you both in the bed that you had worn here were likely soaking wet which made you scrunch your nose. 

“And get new sheets” he said with a smirk as if he could read your mind, it always felt like he could. He gently eased your ankles into each leg hole, pulling them up to your thighs and slipping the shirt over your head, helping your arms through before helping you down and pulling the boxer briefs up the rest of the way. 

“Alright you can chill on the couch while I get all that shit in the wash, yea?” He picked you up, lifting you onto his shoulder like a sack of flour and you gasp and squeal laugh when he spanks you playfully 

“Oh my god! Carmy!” You laugh, holding onto his shoulder as he carried you to his living room and gently dumped you on his couch where all of this started, and HalloweenTown was now back at the beginning screen asking if you wanted to replay the movie. 

“I have to transport you somehow when these legs are useless” he teased and rested his knee on the couch, bending over and giving you a quick kiss on the head. “Lemme go change those sheets and I’ll be right out to make you your food, in the meantime though I want you drinkin’ this” he sets your yeti cup that was still full of ice water next to you on the side table and you smile a bit. 

“Do you act this nice with all the girls you sleep with or am I just special” you said jokingly. His smile faltered for a moment as he thought about what he was going to say. 

No, I’m pretty sure I would only ever act this way the first time I slept with someone if it was the person I’d been desperately in love with since middle school - 

But he’d never say that out loud, the boldness from all the adrenaline and testosterone he’d been flooded with in the throes of passion have came and went. So he settled on,

“No, squish. You’re just special” he kissed the top of your head before heading back into his bedroom to deal with the waterlogged sheets you two had left. You nibbled on the inside of your lip, deep in thought as to what this meant for your relationship going forward, his words ringing around in your mind, until he came out- carrying a bundle of sheets in his arms, his biceps flexing as he carried them all to the laundry room. 

“How’s that water comin’ squish?” He called from the laundry room as he loaded up the washing machine, shit- you had one job while he was gone and failed to do it. 

“Good!” You lied, grabbing the cup and quickly chugging down a good 5 gulps, the icy feeling chasing all the way down to your stomach that grumbled at the contact making you realize it had been a while since you ate. 

“I didn’t hear that cup move once before I asked. I was listening” he said amused, returning out of the laundry room in gray sweatpants that hung low on his hips and he padded into the kitchen, getting out a pan to heat. 

“Okay creepy, listening to my water habits- I’m gonna watch my movie now that you so filthily interrupted with your… your…” you try to find the word and he laughs, getting out what he needed for the soup and your sandwiches 

“Myyyyyy….” He teased 

“Sluttiness!!! Your masculine- pull” you said and you both cracked up, shaking his head 

“You’re a fuckin dork” he mused and you smiled, shrugging as you hit play on your movie once again. 

“You love dorks. It’s why we’re best friends”  

It wasn’t long until Carmy came over with a steaming bowl of soup, and 4 squares of amazing grilled cheese on a plate and sat It down at the coffee table. “Careful the soup is hot” he warned and you grabbed one of the little triangles right away, taking a bite and moaning 

“Mm best grilled cheese In the world” you rest your head on his shoulder, chewing happily and your eyes fluttering shut in bliss. 

He chuckled a bit, having a bite of his own that of course wasn’t as beautifully plated and prepared as yours was (and had gone a bit cold since he always made yours last so it would be hot and melty for you) “really? You think that could be an award I could get, should we call Guinness?” He joked, causing you to laugh a bit. 

People often thought Carmy wasn’t funny, or that he didn’t have the ability to make conversation  - he was simply very shy, and observant. When you were in public too, he didn’t have a problem joking around with you - but with people he doesn’t know, he prefers to sit back for quite a while and observe the way they react to other people before he tries to interact himself. It made you two a great pair, because you always trusted his judgment. 

“We really should. Hey- why do you always make mine all pretty?” You asked, realizing that you always noticed it but had never brought it up before. He hummed in contemplation, swallowing before saying 

“I dunno. Cause you deserve nice things” he said simply before taking another bite. You scrunched your brows together, doing the same as you thought. 

“You deserve nice things” you said and he nodded 

“Already got em’ got all the nice things I need” he said and finished off his first half before having a sip of water from the glass he’d brought for himself. You weren’t sure what he was saying, Carmy didn’t allow himself to have like…anything. 

“What are those?” You asked and he looked at you 

“Well, you’re my best friend. S’all I need, I realized after I came back from New York I’d rather be your friend and stay here then be anyone else, I love being your friend, squish. You’re a great friend” he said earnestly. Your cheeks suddenly felt hot, and you felt a lump in your throat like you could cry 

“Bear I love being your friend” you put your sandwich on the plate and wrap your arms around him. He held you, kissing your cheek gently as he rubbed your back, enveloping you in one of those deep warm hugs you knew him for. He always gave Bear Hug a new meaning to you. “But-“ you pulled away and look at him, biting your lip gently. “We can keep being friends… after what we did- right?” You asked and his eyes widened before nodding like it was the craziest question in the world. 

“Are you- yes- yes squish. That wouldn’t ever change me wanting to be your friend - nothing could change that.” He cupped your cheek gently “you- y’re everything t’me” he said softly, stroking your cheek with his thumb lightly. 

“So are you…are you doing this kinda thing with other girls still?” You asked meekly, eyes drifting to your lap. He took his other hand, bringing it to your other cheek and angling your face up to look at him once again. 

“Do you want me to stop seeing other women?” He asked, his voice low, soft, honest. You swallowed thickly in contemplation, looking into his eyes. You wanted to say yes, but you didn’t want to feel selfish in case he didn’t feel the same, but if he didn’t feel the same you didn’t want to do that with him again. 

“Yes- b-but…but if you don’t want to…that’s ok, carm. I just- I only want it to be us…” you said softly. He eased you into his lap, stroking your auburn hair gently and kissing your jaw up to your cheek and over to your lips, giving you a deep affectionate kiss, one that made your heart feel like it was going to burst with butterflies. After a few moments he pulled away and muttered against your lips, “It’s just us from now on” 

Tagging bestie boops: @gallaghersgal @mouseymilkovich @daysofyellowroses @l4long-winded @carmybrainworms

[gguk-n]

Safe Haven (Carlos Sainz x Reader)

Thank you for the 200 followers. I'm having a lot of fun writing. Hope you guys enjoy this celebration post!!

Summary- Meeting Carlos was the best thing to happen to you.

{Reader's POV}

Ever since Carlos and I had gone public with our relationship; all the people I had avoided informing of our relationship had found out from the news. It was hard to miss when the world like to talk about who the girl was hanging on to one of the hottest F1 driver was.

The one person I had avoided telling about my relationship with Carlos the most was my own mother. Our relationship was always a tough one; she never could accept my choices or decisions. I've lost a lot of partners because of her. Either she would convince me or them that we weren't meant to be; and the next day I was crying on the bathroom floor.

I met Carlos after a particularly bad break up where the guy cheated on me because my mother said I was cheating on him and he should get me back. I really loved him but I felt like the stars had aligned when I met Carlos at the Real Madrid match I was dragged to by my roommate who was tired of watching me mope. The match wasn't very memorable but the guy I was sat next to was. I didn't know he was some formula one driver; all I knew was he was some hot Spanish guy who's voice made a shiver run down my spine. We exchanged numbers at the end of the night and stayed in touch for a while before we could meet up for a date. The date was beautiful and magical just like the fairytales.

We'd been dating for almost 2 years when I finally agreed to go to one of his races. I had moved out from the town that held me back and far far away from my mother. I felt like I was invincible at this point. I guess I forgot what she was capable of. The moment my face was plastered all over the news, my phone wouldn't stop ringing. I was scared. Carlos didn't know the extent of my hurt and why I avoided my mother.

Until a few days after the race, Carlos was out cycling with his friends and I was busy making cookies when I heard the door ring. Thinking it was Carlos, I opened the door; only to be met with the one person I was trying to run away from. "What are you doing here?" I asked, a tremble in my voice. "I heard you got yourself a rich and famous boyfriend. Won't you introduce me to him?" she asked while trying to look behind me. I tried to close the door but she was strong and walked right in. "Can't believe you actually found someone, gullible enough" she sneered taking the whole house in. My hands were shaking and there was a lump in my throat. "The house is big and looks expensive. You must be giving him a good reason to keep you around." she jeered. "Can you leave?" I asked, unsure of anything. "I could but then I wouldn't get to meet this boyfriend of yours, now would I" she replied taking a seat on the couch.

"Why are you here?" I asked, finally finding some strength. "Isn't it obvious? You got rich and famous and forgot your poor old mother who raised you?" she said solemnly. If I didn't know better, I would've been fooled. She leaned back on the sofa, "Come sit darling. It's your house after all" she said, patting the space next to her. I quietly took my place on the sofa next to hers. "I'm hurt. I see you after years and this is the kind of welcome I get" she sighed. "What do you want, now?" I asked more boldly. "I don't get what he sees in you" she started avoiding my question. "You're not pretty or petite like those models, or have money or fame that you can offer. Must be the sex. Am I right?" she asked. I was disgusted at what she said. "Good thing you learned how to please a man. The previous one had to find solace in another woman's arms because of you" she tsked. "He wouldn't have, if you hadn't lied" I spat. "I was only looking out for him" she smiled. "Carlos won't want you around once I'm done talking" she smirked. "He's different, he loves me." I cried out. "Oh dear, all men are the same. They'll leave for a better thing any day." she replied.

As if on queue, I heard the door open and Carlos called out, "Carino, I'm back and I have your favourite cheesecake from that shop you love." I sat there with bated breath. The moment he came in view, I quickly strode towards him. He had placed the cake in the kitchen and wrapped his arms around me, giving me a quick peck. I turned towards my mother and introduced him to her. "Babe, this is my mother. Mom, this is my boyfriend, Carlos." I said. Carlos sensed my unease with my posture to the way I was shaking slightly. He placed a hand on the small of my back and raised his hand to shake my mother's. "Nice to meet. Mrs Y/L/N. I've heard so much about you" he said. "Sadly, I haven't. You'd think that after you grow, birth and raise a child they'd care about you at least. But she left me to rot" she fake cried; the crocodile tears ready to fall. My heart was beating out of my chest. I felt weak and a part of me was scared that what if he listened to my mother and then what. "Mom, you should go, we have somewhere to be." I said, standing my ground. "What a shame? I was hoping to have lunch with you. Carlos, sweetheart, if she ever troubles you; give her a good beating, she's quite docile. I've let her loose and look at the trouble she is causing us both." she said, shaking her head. I felt like throwing up. Carlos was shocked, "Why would I hit her?" he asked. "It's ok darling, all righteous men hit their wives to keep them in line. I mean if you'll make this whore your wife that is" she snickered. "Y/N isn't a whore and I do plan on making her my wife" he replied disgusted at what my mother said.

"I would like it if you would stop disrespecting my girlfriend and leave right now." he asked politely. "Where would the fun be, if I left?" she asked. "Please leave before I call the police" he said sternly. I was shaking violently at this point, all those memories, resurfacing. Thankfully Carlos was able to get her to leave. When he came back after locking the door, I crashed in his arms. "Are you ok, hermosa?" he whispered. I started to cry, "Please don't leave me. I don't know what I'll do without you. I love you so much" I cried out in one breath, holding his shirt tightly. "I will never leave you, hermosa" he replied now carrying me to the sofa. We sat down in each others embrace while I cried my heart out. His shirt wet from all the sweat and my tears.

After I had calmed down, "I didn't know it was this bad" he whispered. "She's the reason my last boyfriend cheated on me" I mumbled. "Well, he was stupid. Good he left. That way I found you." he said while smiling. I finally smiled at him for the first time since my mother came. "Don't listen to anything she says. She doesn't know me, she doesn't know us. I love you so much and I would never let anything happen to you" he comforted. I gave him a hug, burying my face in his neck. He placed me on the sofa before getting up to go to our room. I thought he was going to get changed but instead he came back with something in his hand. "I had elaborate plans that my sisters were helping me in. But this is a better time then any." He said, while getting on one knee. My hands were on my mouth. "I love you since the day I first saw you at the Real Madrid match. I'm so happy that we were sat next to each other. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you do me the honour by marrying me?" he stated. "Yes" I croaked out, giving him my left hand. He got up and kissed me. "I'll make sure no one can hurt you ever again. Not even your mother" he said giving me a kiss again. I smiled into the kiss wrapping my arms around him, knowing I was finally safe. "My sisters are gonna kill me, I asked them to plan such an elaborate proposal" he laughed. "I think they'll understand" I said, smiling at him. "Yeah, they love you more than they love me anyways" he chuckled. I was happy I thought while looking at the ring on my finger.

[katebishopfan]

No Vacancy: Part 2 (H.S)

Hailee POV:

Alright, universe.

What the absolute fuck was that?!

I just got played so hard. I let myself believe that Y/n could actually like a girl like me. I seriously thought she could've been into me. I mean she placed her God damn hand on my thigh!! Then suddenly she called that Jenna girl babe. I would now like to curl up in a ball and die.

"Y/n, are you coming to the party on Saturday?" Someone a couple seats in front of us yells. Y/n glances up from her lap and looks around for where the voice came from. "Over here dumbass, it's Meghan." The voice adds. Y/n chuckles softly and looks over at the girl two rows down and shrugs.

"I might be able to come but I doubt it. Mrs. Phillips is having a big test on Monday and I'll need to practice all weekend so I don't fail, which I can't really do if I'm extremely hungover." Y/n replies in that charismatic tone that could tell me my entire family had just died and still give me butterflies. The girl nods her head and turns back to whoever she's sitting with.

"Hey Y/n who's the cute chick next to you?" Someone else asks and I freeze. Y/n's jaw clenches and she raises an eyebrow at the boy.

"Sorry, sorry just asking." He adds raising his hands up innocently.

"Mind your own business Johnson." Is all she says before turning back to me and smiling. "Sorry about that, horny teenage boys are the worst." She adds softly. Okay- wait why was that so hot?! No, Hailee she has a girlfriend. Wait that means she gay. Holy shit! Dude did you just figure that out..

"It's okay.." I reply awkwardly. Oh my God Hailee what was that???

"I'll beat him up if you want." She offers jokingly mimicking a right hook. That was so cute. Good lord I'm too far gone.

"I think you definitely should. I mean how could even let that stand?" I tease back. Wow I managed to get out a decent sentence way to go.

"Of course pretty girl. Anything for you." She murmurs kissing my hand and smirking. Holy shit fuckers her lips were just on my hand. Oh my lord I'm never washing that hand ever again. I feel my face light up and I giggle. "How should I dispose of him darling?" She adds her eyes looking into mine with a mix of mock seriousness and playfulness. These pet names are seriously going to be the death of me.

"It's completely up to you my brave protector." I reply without even stuttering which might I add is definitely an improvement. Her brows furrow in concentration before her entire face lights and she moves closer.

"I think I should just beat him up. Let all the boys know they should never mess with Y/n or her girl." I'm melting. I think I'm going to die. Y/n just called me HER GIRL!!!!!!!! I barely nod in response as I short circuit. "Haiz are you okay?" She adds confused. Oh my lord she did it again holy shit. That gorgeous hand of her is killing me slowly. It moves around softly on my thigh and squeezes me gently.

"Hmm yeah I just um spaced out for a sec." I reply smiling up at her.

"Okay, I was worried I was going to have get your attention via tickling." She teases.

"You wouldn't dare." I reply boldly placing my hand on hers. She shrugs mischievously before her other hand slips under my shirt and grazes my abdomen beginning to tickle me. I squirm around and kick my legs out while her other hand holds down one my hands. "Ahhh Y/n L/n stop right now!!" I squeal through laughter.

"Never." She states firmly continuing to move her hand around my waist trying to find the my most ticklish spot.

"Y/n I swear to God if you don't stop I'll literally never speak to you again." I threaten playfully but it gets her to stop.

"Never again?" She asks in baby voice, a large pout covering her face. I swear I'm dreaming.

"Never." I confirm firmly watching her stick her lip out.

"Fine, you win Haizy. But always remember you are the cruelest person I know." She replies sadly as she removes her hands from under my shirt. My breath hitches as I suddenly realize how close we are. Her eyes glance down at my lips before she backs up.

"Oh well.." I stutter distractedly. I'm still very flustered from how close I was to my crush.

"It's okay because I love you anyways." She murmurs softly. No way she just said she loves me.

"Oh you love me?" I tease.

"That's when you're supposed to say I love you too Hails." Y/n replies jokingly.

"Hmm, I'll have to think about. I'll get back to you in 2-5 business days." I joke.

"Nooooooo, this is why I have Amazon prime." She whines pulling me onto her lap. "I need you to say you love me or else I won't be able to survive." She pouts unhappily. I smirk at her and she continues to pout at me.

"Beg."

"Pleaseeeeeeee Hailee, tell me you love me pwetty pwease." Adding her baby voice at the end.

"I, Hailee Steinfeld, love you Y/n L/n." I announce. I mean.. She might be joking but I'm sure as hell not. Her face breaks out into a grin and she giggles happily.

"I love you too, princess." My heart explodes with joy and I try to ignore the fact that we're just playing around. The bus suddenly stops and I realize we're at my stop.

"This is my stop.." I mumble sadly. Her face falls as she looks out the window at my house.

"Give me your phone." She demands and I pass it to her confused. I grab my bag and look back at her. She's holding out my phone for me. I take it and start to move off her lap. She grabs my waist and I freeze. Her lips meet my cheek for a couple of seconds before she pulls back and lets go of me. I blush and get off of her walking towards the front of the bus.

Y/n POV:

I probably shouldn't have kissed her cheek. Whatever, I wanted to so I did. I can't do anything about it now. I think I just fell in love.

"So, what the hell was that?" I sigh softly and turn towards Brian who's looking at me expectantly.

"I don't know." I reply. It's the truth, I have no idea what just happened. It was a like a fever dream, a really wonderful fever dream.

"Y/n, you are aware that you have girlfriend right?" I can't tell if he's joking or serious. He's right of course, I'm dating Jenna and even if I didn't directly kiss Hailee on the lips I definitely did not act like a good girlfriend.

"Yeah, I know. I just..." I trail off trying to faint the words to explain how I'm feeling but my brain can't form any sentences.

"She seems like a nice girl Y/n." I nod and look away for a few seconds. "What I'm saying is don't you dare break her heart." He explains seriously before turning back to his phone and placing his airpods in. I slump down in my seat and close my eyes softly. I'm screwed.

Hailee POV:

Is this wrong to do? My thumb is hovering over the call button but I can't tell if I actually want to speak to her.

Your Protector<3

My heart melted when I first saw the contact but now I can't tell how I feel. Of course I want to call her, I desperately need to hear her melodic voice but I know it's not the right thing to do. Part of me knows that she feels the same way and might not pick up the call. The other part doesn't care about anyone else, it just wants to be near Y/n. To hold her and be held by her. I don't think I've ever felt more conflicted than how I feel right now.

"Hey sis, how was school?" Griffin voice asks. It jolts me out of my confused trance which I'm grateful for.

"Um it was normal." I stutter. Well shit, now he's definitely going to know something not normal. Nice going Hailee.

"Really, It was "normal"? C'mon Hails you always have something interesting to say about school, it's not like you to have a "normal" day so tell me. What're you hiding?" Griffin asks after having his Sherlock Holmes moment.

"IsatwithY/nonthebusnandknowIdon'twhattodobecausewewereflirtingbutshehasagirlfriendnamedjenna." Griffin raises an eyebrow.

"English please."

"I sat with Y/n on the bus-"

"Y/n like Y/n L/n?" Griffin interrupts sounding confused.

"Yes, the girl I've had a crush on since forever." I exclaim exasperated.

"Wait, Y/n L/n is crush Y/n!?" Griffin exclaims. I nod my head slowly as he paces around the room.

"Can I continue?" I ask. He nods and I sigh.

"So I was sitting with Y/n and we started talking, which led to flirting." I take a deep breath and continue. "Then all the sudden her friend Brian got a call and he passed the phone to Y/n, but when she took call she called the person babe!!"

"Wait so you were flirting with your crush who actually has a girlfriend." Griffin asks trying to fully grasp the situation.

"Yeah, but then after that she flirted with me a lot and I flirted with her and it was really, really cute then she was being all protective when this guy hit on me. Then she was like being really hot and calling me all these pet names like darling and princess and it was ughhh like literally the sexiest thing ever. And don't even think about judging me right because I've had to listen to you gush about girls so it's my turn. Oh also she tickled me and her hands went fully under my shirt and I melted internally. She also told me that she loved me. Which might sound bad but it was in like teasingly flirty way and she pouted until I told her I loved her and then she said it back like she went "I love you too princess" Like what!?" I gasp for breath and Griffin stares at me like I'm crazy before slowly blinking a couple of times.

"Well that was a lot of information. How're you feeling?" He replies after a couple moments of silence. I shrug and he opens up his arms.

Y/n POV:

I'm sitting quietly on my bed trying to figure out what to do. I check the time in my phone and realize it's 6pm. I should probably go over to Jenna's. All the sudden my phone starts ringing and I sigh when I see it's not Hailee.

"Hey babe are you coming over soon?" Jenna asks excitedly.

"Um yeah, but we need to talk." I reply seriously.

"Okay, about what?" She replies innocently. "Oh, also I invited a couple of our friends too, but not like a party." She adds.

"So definitely a party." I tease, Jenna has a bad tendency to throw parties by inviting "A couple of friends" and then it spirals til suddenly there's three hundred horny teenagers, making out in every room of her house.

"You know I don't like excluding people!" She whines as I chuckle softly. I'll just have to get Jenna alone to talk to her.

"It's okay, I'll be over soon." I reply. I grab my jacket and keys throwing on my jacket and shoving my keys into my pocket before slipping out the window.

A/N

That's right, another super high-quality oneshot from yours truly ;)

[mandatory-blog-stop-asking]

Star Trek Is A Failing Theme Park

Much like many others I used to be a bonafide Star Trek Discovery hater, and even though I thoroughly enjoy it now, I honestly don't regret that time in my life.

I think Discovery season 1 and most of season 2 were a little ashamed of having to be an old sci-fi show, so they kept trying to be a show about violent, impulsive, very special unique people that happened to go to space every once in a while. Which Star Trek has been, on occasion, but never in a way I personally find better than what it usually is -- philosophizing and talking about real world or allegorical drama for 40-50 minutes until a solution arises that doesn't really make anyone super happy and not everyone comes out unscathed, but the compromise means there's hope for a better solution tomorrow, and the day after that, until it works.

The personal dramas usually related to their reactions to storylines, but were ultimately secondary to the bigger pictures, and acted as bows you tie the narrative with at the end. If Kirk did not make it through the episode unscathed, that's cool, but the episode was rarely only about his demons. It could heavily relate to his demons but that wasn't the whole source of the spectacle. The Naked Time works as a way to examine characters in crisis, not necessarily as a Kirk episode where it's all about him.

Because of that, I was basically the audience for seasons 3 and 4. While Season 3's ultimate plot wasn't the most interesting thing in the world, the idea that they were now dealing with their "own version" of the galaxy, writing their own plots that didn't have to come before everything else and figuring out their own threats that didn't have to eventually connect back to Star Trek canon was a massive improvement.

The decision to interweave character drama into storylines as opposed to making the storylines about the character drama also greatly expanded upon people's roles in the ship, and you finally got to see people like Detmer or Owosekun doing shit and being useful, instead of just being on the bridge nearly unnamed. I genuinely think Season 4 of Discovery is one of the best seasons in modern Star Trek; even if it trips and falls sometimes, I think it's well worth the creative risk and I was left very satisfied after watching it.

So when Discovery season 5 turns around and tells me it's about an episode of TNG I watched once, and then they start going to a planet from an episode of TNG I watched once, and then here comes another episode where they go to an episode of DS9 I watched once, and there's more 24th century-specific stuff that's gonna happen, it's...

It's very hard to feel like we're not regressing? I realize at this point the show is very, very cancelled -- they weren't even told it was happening until they were filming the finale, but at the same time, is this really what the plan was? To not boldly go into something original, instead picking up threads from episodic shows released decades ago? What are we, Star Trek: Picard?

Now for the sake of transparency, I feel like this is might be more of a personality problem than a media consumption problem for me, because I am genuinely allergic to nostalgia. I have no respect or attachment for media whose only mission is to remind me of things that existed, and franchises that have made that their entire MO have basically died for me. Like, I can't watch Star Wars anymore. It stopped mattering how good or bad it is for me because all I see in stuff like Mandalorian season 2 is pilots for shows I'm not gonna watch, and cameos from characters I don't want to see right now. The stories are no longer the point, the point is the brand and how easily recognizable it is.

So when Discovery tells me that their last hurrah is going through the Star Trek theme park, pointing at rides I've already gone to and saying "Isn't it cool we get to say these words again? That we get to see this thing again?" I'm left cold. I don't want to see the Progenitors again. I don't want to see the Promellians again. I like seeing the Trills again, it's one of my favorite species in the franchise, but we have seen so much of the Trills between DS9 and DIS, I really feel like this is... not the way forward. This theme park is not the reason why I think about Star Trek.

It reminds me of why I stopped caring about Star Trek Online. The practical reason was me not liking the minibuys and the combat, and the game's only mode of operation being to attack -- it's a fine ship combat game and a mediocre but working third person shooter, I just don't care enough to play it forever. But the secondary reason, and the reason I think about the most, is because every single storyline is less a story and more a Star Trek reference.

It's always someone coming back, or an alt universe version of a character being introduced, or picking up on a random episode that I already watched, making the action figures fight instead of anything else. Instead of using fanservice to broaden the appeal, the only appeal is the fanservice; there is very little to Star Trek Online that isn't just the equivalent of going to Star Trek Land and looking at the Harry Kim bust again.

I keep looking at Burnham, a character I have come to like in spite of her place in the franchise, in spite of the fact that her entire conception was made to connect her to Spock, and to Sarek, and to Pike, and to all these characters I already know, in spite of the shortcomings of her original character arc -- I look at her and I see a character who has built her own path after being allowed to exist separate from the others, after being given the same chance everyone else was to be more than a Star Trek reference, and then she just knows to go to the planet of the Booby Trap aliens because that's Star Trek, we're going on the ride.

I'm so sick of going on the same rides. Specifically, I'm sick of going on rides after they just proved that they can do something different, that doesn't need Star Trek references to exist. Please I am begging you stop showing me Picard's face, I get it, I like TNG too. But I tuned in to watch Discovery. I am not into this brand because I am into the brand, I am into this brand because it's fucking good, stop acting like I'm here for nostalgia's sake.

"Hey, what about Lower Decks? You love that show!" eh Lower Decks can do it, don't worry about it.

[lilcindy]

Yandere Tolys Laurinaitis

Warning: obsessive behaviors, Poland is mentioned, mentions of wars, mentions of Word War II, historical events

Disclaimer: This can be cringe-worthy since this is the personification of a country, reduced to some anime trope, what I am indulging in can be harmful. Also, I go after comic events in the manga, not historical

━ A healthy relationship consists of two healthy individuals who acknowledge and accept responsibility for themselves, and Lithuania is a magnet for toxic ones.

━ His victim must be a nation, It takes a lot of time for Tolys to get used to someone, he's even willing to ignore the people who actually respect and appreciate him ( Estonia & Latvia) for his longer relationships.

━ Tries to be helpful to everyone, especially to his victim. Like helping them with legal issues, and giving them food and protection, If Lithuanian is not the official language of the Nation! darling, if we can say that, he will translate his most famous books, into their official language(s), which will be in vain since he never asked your permission in the first place. It doesn't matter, he LOVES helping/working for you.

━ As a yandere, Lithuania feels pretty threatened by his victim's independence, mainly due to a lack of security within himself, but doesn't really do anything about it. Finds it embarrassing to feel that way and he hates embarrassing stuff! ( attempts to restrict your choices many times)

━ He always overthinks his relationships with his obsession.

━ He is genuinely a kind person, unlike the average Yandere, he wouldn't wish to harm his love rivals. 

━ Too infatuated with his obsession that he can't see their flaws.

Before the partitions of the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth:  

━ He used to control Middle and Eastern Europe during the Middle Ages. He's a great leader and will always give you his best strategies. Since you're a Nation, he's not that overprotective despite being a Yandere but if you clearly are in danger, he won't hesitate to cut some throats.

 ━ It says that 'he used to be awesome before but he hasn't been blessed by his bosses'. I think Lithuania is willing to joke around, however, I don't think he will actively seek a romantic relationship with them. 

━ Why? He's born in the middle of a war, and as I said, he always overthinks his relationships with you, It may sound awful, but if you're not Poland, he will often hyperventilate when he puts scenarios in mind, where you and he had to war with each other.

━  Poland often calls him out for his obsession, calling it creepy, and weird as hell. Though,

After the partitions of the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth:  

━  The time when he was taken by Russia, well...he gets less time to be with you since Mother Russia overworks him to the point of exhaustion, Don't worry, he is Russia's favorite!

━  That is why Russia overworks him to the point of exhaustion. If You had bad blood with Russia in the past or currently, he will ask, in a forceful way, Lithuania to stop his yandere tenancies, after all, he is his property. ♡

━ If not, he still doesn't have time for you...he always sheers a tear while thinking about you. Lithuania will ask Poland for his news about you while drowning in alcohol. 

 ━ If you are also Russia's subordinate. He will always be concerned for you, like extremely, literally handed three handmade documents that tell how to please the Great Fearful Russia with being bullied.

━ While hesitated to cut some throats, since over time he developed a weak stomach, and couldn't handle the gore too much. 

Modern Days:

━ Now that Mother Russia is gone.  

━ If he was asked oh-so-aggressively by Russia to stop his obsession, he would immediately rush to your house, clean it, and cook for you, as I said before he loves working for you.

━ If you guys are both subordinates of Ivan, he will boldly ask you to get rid of stuff that reminds you of him. He will NOT insist if you rightly so refuse.

━ He has a better relationship with Poland, and this one doesn't approve of this relationship and constantly reminds Liet that his obsession isn't normal.

━ He will never let go of his unhealthy crush.

[renatogpadilla]

OH GODS I SAID A THING™ AND NOW I CAN'T GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD:

Probably because of the Announcement of the Animated M9 Series, but...

"Wildemount. The final Continent. This is the story of a rag-tag band of mercenaries and sellswords. Their five year Campaign? Prevent a reality altering relic from falling into the wrong hands, discover new conspiracies between warring nations, and boldly go where no one has gone (for good reason) before."

I call this abomination of an idea: DEEP SPACE NEIN!

And yes, it's every bit as cursed as you can imagine a CR / Star Trek crossover to be!

Everyone needs their space on the UNSC-1909 "Mighty Nein":

Fjord "The Unwitting Face of the group" Stone: Captain. That one's obvious.

Beauregard "Beau" Lionett: Number One. Because she gets physical and FUCKS. You can blame Ryker for this one...

Yasha "Worf WISHES he hit this hard" Nydoorin: Security. Nuff said.

Caleb "my phaser doesn't have a Stun setting" Widogast: Navigation. Keen Mind once again comes in clutch!

Nott/Veth "The Brave" Brenatto: Engineering. Yeza helps as well! She's still CONSTANTLY smashed and that's how she does her best work!

Genevieve "Jester" Lavorre: Comms. This one is primarily because of the Message spell... During their travels, she finds a sterile Tribble she names "Sprinkle". Hilarity ensues.

Caduceus "Earl" Clay: Ship Doctor. Always a bit of tea on hand to talk about somebody else's problems. The crew knows better than to ask why he gets a new batch of tea whenever Spurt gets killed, though...

Mollymauk "Nine Eyes" Tealeaf: The hot bartender who illegally smuggled himself into the ship to escape a past he himself doesn't remember... Sees EVERYTHING. Knows everyone's secrets.

Essek "The Hover" Thelyss: That ONE guy in the Transponder room that energizes the teleporters. He seems unimportant until he gets promoted to Series Regular halfway through Season 2 due to his unexpected Political connections and insight.

He accidentally invented hover boots while messing around Engineering and now NEVER takes them off...

Bonus:

+ Pumat S.0.L: Ship's AI voice. Occasional holograms of him show up to manage the built-in shops, respectfully.

+ Kiri: Baby on board. The Wesley Crusher of the show. She and Luc get along quite well!

+ Shakaste: Chief Science Officer. Don't even give him LaForge shades. Have a little robotic Hummingbird called the Grand Duchess scan the area with sonar and directly transmit the info to his brain!

+ Calliana: Pilot. She flies the ship. Whether it's smooth sailing or crazy, death-defying acrobatics depends on her mood that day.

+ Spurt: The Red Shirt. It's always him. The same one. He always dies and comes back next episode like nothing ever happened. Nobody acknowledges this. "It's been 11 days since Spurt last went Splat".

+ Keg: A down-on-her-luck space smuggler the crew encounters on occasion. She's almost never followed by good news, but she's good for her word, and (with some "persuasion" from Beau) will usually help the crew out of a pinch.

+ Nila: She and her family were diplomats/emissaries for a pacifist race, but when her husband and child get kidnapped by Keg's old partners in crime, the Iron Shepherds, Nila proves to be a formidable spy on top of a ferocious fighter...

+ Reani: Still a vigilante, plain and simple. She goes from planet to planet "rescuing" people with her own lethal brand of justice. Her abilities as a shapeshifter and her interest in biology make her a valuable ally though, not to mention that she knows just about every shady person on any given sector...

+ Twiggy: The ship's resident Archeologist, albeit the most eccentric member of the crew. She specializes in identifying where magical artifacts come from, and dragging the crew on "archeological escapades" for "Science". Her pet squirrel Trixie and Caleb's cat Frumpkin seem to be good friends, but neither of them feel comfortable around Sprinkle for some reason...

+ Yussa: The Negotiator. Not because he can smooth-talk anyone, that's Fjord's thing. No, Yussa's the negotiator because of how EASILY he can figure out what everybody wants. Although he keeps a calm exterior, he has a habit of taking EVERYTHING regarding anything that resembles a puzzle or a mystery as a challenge, and his hubris WILL get the crew into trouble more than once...

Occasional antagonists include:

# The Iron Shepherds: Led by the dreadful Lorenzo, these low life slavers make their credits pulling the most despicable jobs... Regardless of who pays for them, so long as the job is paid for.

# Captain Avantika: Obligatory femme fatale with a thing for Fjord. Whether it's a relationship born of convenience, manipulation or simply blind worship towards the same thing, nobody can really tell. The pirate captain of the "Squalleater" is OBSESSED with releasing an entity which she believes to be an ancient god, hidden in the farthest reaches of space... And only the crew can stop her from achieving her malicious goal.

# Obann and the Unkillable Family: Much like Avantika, the God-releasing MO stands, but rather than getting their followers by power of charisma or duty, the crew of the ravager ship "Angel of Irons" directly controls the minds of the people they believe might help them accomplish their goal... Including the Nein's own Chief of Security for a time.

# Special Guest Star Matthew Mercer as "The Traveler": He's Q. That's it. He's JUST Q. There is no joke, there is no agenda other than wanting to become a God himself, but taking such a liking to Jester that he can never endanger the crew to continue his schemes, so he finds ways to trick them into helping him out... Mostly by pretending to be a sterile Tribble and arousing chaos wherever he goes.

And that's what I've got! Let me know what you think! I'm not very good at AUs, but I couldn't get this idea out of my head!

[mbilmey]

I just watched the Ultimate Computer Star Trek Episode and I have thoughts.

There are numerous AI equivalents in star trek, however the most ubiquitous is the “Computer.” This form of AI is more like Alexa and very useful. They are constantly asking the computer to search and synthesize information, suggest logical conclusions, and no one is worried about it. It’s a great tool and is very helpful. Spock’s favorite crew-member to chat with. Along these lines, I will never be a “ai is inherently evil person.” I’m a teacher. Teaching is already a thankless task in many ways. AI allows me to get things done that would be incredibly time consuming otherwise (like writing up samples of bad paragraphs for students to analyze). It also allows me to format assignments that I would have spent hours Googling templates for in seconds. AI in itself is not evil if used properly. It serves as a more synthesized (but often less accurate) search engine.

Then, you have the M5. The M5 is supposed to be a tool, but really is a vanity project. It’s supposed to “save lives,” but in the end the creator only cares that his project is preserved. The biggest flaw with the M5 is that it attempts to replace humanity. It was created to think like humans so humans don’t have to think. But this doesn’t work. Humanity is necessary. The entire premise of Star Trek is that their society feels a drive to boldly go “where no man has gone before,” a very human need to explore. The creator of the M5 thinks that he’s doing a favor by replacing that with a machine, so people can...do what? What would the crew of the enterprise be doing if they weren’t exploring? No one forced them into this job. They chose to explore. Kirk is caught in wondering if he’s being petty by impeding progress in not supporting the M5, but the thing is, he understand that the whole mission is moot if not human. I think all of this can be applied to art. The creators of writing or art AI claim that they want to free up human time...but they do so by taking the human element out of something that is meant only to be human. Do they really want humanity to progress or is this their own vanity project?

So while the computer is around for ages in Star Trek, projects like the M5 get shut down fast.

But the really interesting point in all this, that is super fascinating, is that even in the ‘unethical use of ai’ episode, the computer imprint is based entirely on its genius creator. Meaning that, even in an ai nightmare, the writers couldn’t imagine theft being justified in the computer’s creation which says a lot about our society to me.

[angeltreasure]

What happened during My Surrender Novena…!

Where to begin?

I received an email from one of the nuns (at the Monastery I have been accepted to) and they said Reverend Mother would want to know if I would like to do a one-day visit where I would actually be in the cloister with the nuns!— The nun said to fill out my pre-screening paperwork and to ask my pastor or spiritual director for a Letter of Recommendation.

My first response was panic because I had tried to reach this own priest my mom likes but he never responded for weeks and the one priest I personally had in mind I debated on because we are different Rites and sometimes there is a loss of translation. I decided it was time to stop putting off the Surrender Novena which God had revealed to me to do. It seemed like perfect timing. I let go of the waves of anxiety and prayed.

Friday August 11. I visited my Maronite Church on a day I normally don’t go. I arrive so early and sit by myself the closest I can to the tabernacle to be as close as I can to Jesus without sitting in the front pew.. I was nervous because I hadn’t been here so long trying to juggle my time at the parish my parents are registered where I would Lector. I probably would be a disappointment but I wanted to come here for God. I was praying to God what I had on my heart. If only I could have been braver and asked this priest first; I was running out of time and was considering to find a third option. I was in dread, but I instantly remembered the novena.

That’s when Father walked in to prepare the altar and he immediately recognized me from behind despite being gone for weeks. We had a tiny Mass: the priest, the lector, me, and someone behind me in the pews.

Afterwards, I gathered up my courage and stood up and I told him I remembered his exact words back on that day he sat down to speak with me. He was the first priest I had ever told about my discernment because I felt seen by him unlike any other priest I had. “If I want to go out and serve or go into the Monastery like St. Sharbel” and I told him I have chosen the Monastery and they have accepted me officially, in three or four years time once all my debt is gone. “Why do you wait?” He asked. Then, as if the Holy Spirit was promoting him, he immediately asked the very question I was praying he would ask about why I have to wait, concerning my debt. I told him the details and he, in fact, completely understood without any loss of translation. As he turned to continue preparing the altar, I paused for a moment or two and decided to ask him if he would be my spiritual director but I knew that priests get very busy so I would understand if he said no and asked if there was anyone he knew that could (also thinking to myself that I had not been very consistent with my Masses). He froze on the spot taken aback but he didn’t even hesitate. “I’ll do it.” When I got outside I get invited by someone to stay after Sunday Divine Liturgy to pray the Rosary and the Divine Mercy Chaplet back to back. I immediately said yes because those are my two favorite prayers besides Mass.

Saturday August 12: Perpetual Eucharist Adoration takes place at this nice church my mom found. I needed to go see Jesus. I arrived perhaps ten minutes of three. I had never seen a little chapel so full of people! I was in awe. A couple minutes before the hour, suddenly, a lady in the middle of the room stood up and handed out papers to everyone. She said hope no one minds, they would be starting a new tradition of saying the Divine Mercy Chaplet out loud during Adoration! (My favorite Chaplet). I smiled so big. I was surprised I had never had anyone get up during Adoration so boldly. Our prayers filled the little chapel as I kept my eyes on Him. It felt like a slice of Heaven. I invite my mom to Divine Liturgy for the next day after seeing a Facebook update for the special Mass, procession around the church, and stay for a home cooked Lebanese brunch.

Sunday August 13. Day 1: I go to my Maronite Church for Sunday Divine Liturgy with my mom. It’s special there because on Sunday that’s when they celebrate the Solemnity of the Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary! Mass is nice. The free homemade Lebanese brunch was such a success! It was going to be nice to finally have my own family member in the hall with the Lebanese families but all the seats were taken. At first I was really sad for once again being left out but I had to be like Mary and ponder these things in my heart. We ate in my car while it was over 90 outside.

When I finished my plate I went to go find Father to ask if he would write my letter of recommendation. I lost him for a while until I saw a group of ladies go into the church. I quietly followed and saw it was the guild up on the altar around a statue of Mary with many flowers. I waited for photos to be done and didn’t want to interrupt especially since it wasn’t conversations in English. Father almost walked out with them so I caught him the very last minute and handed him the email I printed out. I apologized if I was interrupting but I wanted to know if he would consider writing my letter of recommendation. I would have had anxiety again but I remembered my novena. He froze again and thought for a moment. “I’ll do it.” He left with the guild women to return to the hall.

I went to go turn to leave and someone wanted to introduce themselves to me. Turns out, it was the president of that women’s guild and she said all of them would love for me to join! I think my jaw dropped haha! I said yes I would like to and apologized since I only know English. She we know you only speak English. I felt that sword stab my heart, I didn’t know how many knew this evens though it’s obvious. Once they left I stayed with the little group to pray the Rosary followed immediately by a prayer Divine Mercy Chaplet. When the group stood up to say goodbyes I met the leader’s wife and a friend.

I drive home with my mom. We watch a EWTN movie of St. Sharbel.

Day 2: The weekend is over, so back to work it is. I wait patiently with my Novena. Just as I arrive to work, I get an email from Father saying my Letter of Recommendation is ready and I could go the next day at 7 pm Mass to get it.

Tuesday August 15. Day 3: Now it’s my Holy Day of Obligation as a Latin Rite Catholic. Mom and I attend a very early Mass at our parish. I decide to take the day off of work so I can get my Letter but also devote the whole day to Mary. After my mom left for work I lit a candle a sang Marian hymns, do my Liturgy of the Hours, put together a gift for one of the nuns for her anniversary to religious life.

Once time gets closer I fly to the Maronite Church to get there earlier than I normally would. I didn’t want to miss out. I waited patiently in the pew, and was surprised to see some people my age behind me. Father talked to them first because they were closer in pews towards him.

Father came up to me to floret me and immediately turned to the whole crowd and announced I was to be a nun soon and he wants me to teach his children. I was floored because I didn’t expect him to announce it so happily to people I didn’t even know! And to be a teacher ontop of all the stuff happening——

He went to go get my letter and said to read over his letter and see if I liked it and if so he would sign it and let me mail it. I was shaking holding the letter in my hand it almost felt like something I shouldn’t be reading but I had to and felt curious as to what he would say… He said along the lines I was in good standing and recognizes my good character and called himself my pastor. I was accepted! I wasn’t turned away. I had all I could do not to cry on the spot. He signed it and then proceeded to do a combo Baptism, First Holy Communion, Confession (not in the same room obviously), AND Confirmation for this beautiful girl near my age! I didn’t know her but I prayed for her, she was so happy! Mass happened and we went to leave. All of them I watched for the Sacraments introduced themselves to me and I made new friends. I drove gone and showed my mom the letter.

Day 4: The nuns received my pre-application online. I sent my letter.

Day 5: We do so good at work we get free pizza and extra time for break.

Day 6: A deacon comes to give our new house its first official home blessing. My mom and I each light a candle and actively participate in the ritual saying so many Hail Mary’s I could hardly breath between them all.

Day 7: I rest but pray. I show my mom a movie of Rhoda Wise the Catholic Mystic. We fall in love with the movie! My mom’s Rosary breaks. I found a new video of a monk making a Rosary. After weeks of placing my Rosary making on hold from having trouble with knots, I decide to try it again. The very first practice knot I make comes out better than any knot I have ever done. I complete my mom’s Christmas present Rosary and made it prettier than before. That same night, I go on to make my first two Rosaries to give to the homeless.

Day 8: I go to the Maronite Catholic Church for Divine Liturgy. I wanted to complete my altar so I got a new candle, a statue to be blessed. Father blessed them. I put them in my Jeep and sat down in the shrine to pray for a long time. It’s such a long time that passes that I don’t realize how long that Father and I are the only ones left. He comes to quietly clean the shrine. I went to get up to leave not wanting to linger and disturb him by overstaying, respectfully, even though the shrine is open 24/7 haha.

Sensing I was about to leave, he asked me out of the blue if I could help out when he goes to help drive someone somewhere. I asked how I can help. He said he would have me run the gift shop and answer the telephone calls, that he would make me a copy of keys to the gift shop AND the church, work on some side projects. I wondered why me and not someone of his own Rite. I said yes. He said he was really depending on me. Me, ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Me, I am nothing special, I am nothing. But I had to remember my novena. I said yes I would do it.

Day 9: I receive I copy of keys to the gift shop and church after brief training. Not only is Father gone until next week but also the assistant. I immediately take his church into my car. The calls and visitors flood in from all around. Each one says what I am doing is such a blessing and they spill their hearts out to me like family, even like some of you anons here on my blog. As I wait for calls or customers, the Rectory is quiet as a mouse besides the occasional meow of Father’s kitten. As I gaze at the painting of the Sacred Heart of Jesus on the wall, I see from where I am sitting His gaze is directly looking down upon me. I had finish the Novena keeping my gaze on Jesus.

“O Jesus, I surrender myself to You, take care of everything!”

[haraways]

This is for the Prompt Kiss from @jonsaprompts

Its not as long as I wanted but I’m super tired and wanna go to bed.

Enjoy!

He told them that there was nothing in death. No gods, no seven hells, no loved ones. But that is not entirely true. What awaited him was an endless white, a rolling moor of blistering snow. So bright it would hurt the eyes, so cold it would freeze fingers off.

But he felt none of this.

When he had a mind to start walking, he felt a warmth on his cheeks. Small hands holding, thumbs caressing, as though they loved him. A phantom love that never existed in the first place.

He closed his eyes slowly, savouring the affection. He felt the slightest pressure on his lips, the softest kiss that tasted sweeter than any lemon cakes and as tender as an embrace. The sensation left his lips, and Jon leaned forward to chase the warmth. His hands came up, but the warmth escaped his grasp as he fell forward and gasped.

He opened his eyes again, the world had gone darker, and shapes began to form as the warmth seeped into his bones. Everything was hot and cold all at once. To breathe was sharp, and to see, ached. He dearly wanted to cry from the sorrow that overwhelmed him; he knew not where it came from. But from the sorrow came joy, and from joy came anger, then love. All those feelings, all at once, brought tears to his eyes.

It was sudden clarity that the world came to rights. All those emotions faded to a dull, roaring ache just under the skin.

"There you are." It was a soft voice but deeper than what he remembered.  

Hovering upside down was the face of Sansa Stark, his sister by half and the last person he thought to see on his death bed. She was smiling gently down at him as she never did before their family's departure five years past. Jon could see that childhood was not yet gone from her face, but it would be no time at all the had Sansa inherit the Stark look with sharp fearers and a stern look to the eye.

He blinked up at her a few times before his memory caught up to him.

He'd been murdered by his own sworn brothers. Men he'd fought with, how he led and thought he had the trust of. What a fool he'd been.

He felt tears gather in his eye as Sansa continued to smile down at him softly. Gently running her fingers across his cheeks softly. The sensation was familiar; from that place of blistering winter beyond death.

Jon raised his hands and touched his lips gently. Sansa's smile grew to a grin as she leaned over him again as though to seek a kiss from his lips again.    

"it is like a song, is it not?" She asked him. "it is like a song of the maiden being kissed back from a sleeping curse; you remember the one, don't you, Jon?"

"Aye, and I suppose I am the maid now? I'm afraid I make a terrible maid."  Once you face death, all there is left is to make a great jape of it all. She giggled in an off-balance way, too high, too gleeful for their circumstance.

All at once, the Red Women and Ser Davos stepped into their space, demanding answers.

"What did you see on the other side of death?" To Jon and as "Girl, how did you know that that would work?" to Sansa. Jon did not bother telling the truth to the southerners. The truth would frighten them, so unused to the endless white North, it was peace for a Northmen.

"The Gods told me," Sansa stated boldly. Ser Davos accepted the answer without much protest, use to the dealing of magics and gods; but that did not mean he did not have scepticism.

"They told you that kissing your brother would bring him back?"  

"He is not my brother Ser." Ah, yes. This was the Sansa Jon remembered; she would correct Ser Davos and insist on his half-brother status. So at least some things have not changed between them.

"He's my cousin."

[lenievi]

and I’m done :(

just yesterday I was like, I’m glad Kirk never said “to boldly go” in the actual show like Pike does in SNW, and this novel just ended with him saying it lmao

anyway, if you like Kirk as he is in the second pilot and the early s1 of TOS and don’t need TOS characters in the book to enjoy it, and are fine with a plethora of OCs, you’d like it. Some TOS characters like Koloth (the Klingon from the ep with the tribbles), Bob Wesley (The Ultimate Computer), Captain Tracey (Omega Glory), Janet (The Deadly Years) also make an appearance. There’s also a LOT of non-human characters and many alien species.

I did post quotes from scenes with McCoy and Spock, but those are honestly just very short and very rare. Gary is someone who’s around more, but even that isn’t the focus. McCoy and Spock don’t meet since the book ends a few days before Where No Man Has Gone Before. (and I guess it takes more time than two months to get from San Fransisco to the Enterprise lmao)

A few of my minor personal complaints are that I feel like Kirk was too self-aware at times, even in moments when I felt it would make more sense if the other character (McCoy lol) pointed it out rather than have Kirk say it himself. Kirk is self-aware in the show too, but I feel like it needed a bit of a balance at times in the book. Kirk was shown to have flaws but the flaws were all kind of... positive, I guess (towards the end he was prejudiced, but it didn’t really balance the beginning of the book imho). At times, Bennett also tried to hit the reader over the head with “Kirk isn’t a maverick” just by literally saying it in the narrative or via the characters - it was less a part of the story and more like a conversation with the reader, and I don’t really think it needed to be spelled out that much. Some reviewers call it preachy lol (which can be applied to some other parts of the book, too, but it doesn’t bother me)

The book jumps around in time. It started with Kirk getting the command of the Enterprise and then it goes back to his past. And occasionally returns to the presents. A lot of reviews mention that the time jumps are confusing, but they aren’t. But I guess if you aren’t that big on years when it comes to TOS, it might be a bit harder to orient yourself at first. But I typically work with the same timeline, so the time jumps were fine. 

It spans Kirk’s life from 2261 to 2265, so it includes several missions, some connected, some standalone.

Up until now, Ice Trap by L. A. Graf was my favourite Star Trek book, but The Captain’s Oath probably dethroned it.

[incandescentflower]

Emoji fic writer ask time! 🛒 What are some common things you incorporate in your fics? Themes, feels, scenes, imagery, etc.

⛔Do you have a fic you started, but scrapped?

👀Tell me about an up and coming wip please!

✅What's something that appears in your fics over and over and over again, even if you don't mean to?

🎢Which of your fics would you call your wildest ride?

thanks lauren! this one is so fun!

🛒If it's a one shot, I am most often writing smut (haha) that is a character study. Intimacy can be shown in a lot of ways, but any kind of sex (and I mean any kind of physical touching) requires a vulnerability for most people if it involves intense feelings (which it always does in my fic) and I like to explore how that impacts what we already know are the character's struggles/fears/characteristics. What does vulnerability look like for them? how do they ask for what they they need and how they show what they want from their partner (communication is always a major part, but not always verbal).

Longer fics just usually play out these conflicts and challenges in a larger story that is a variation on theme.

I love nature imagery. I love seasons, weather, sun rises, sun sets, those tactile experiences we all have of the world around us.

⛔I definitely do have at least one. Most others I plan to go back to at some point, but I started a DanYok Not Me fic where Dan has amnesia that seemed like it would be fun, but then at the time, I wasn't really thrilled how they played out Dan at the end of that story so I lost the motivation. I do sometimes think I am now far enough away from my immediate emotions about that story to write something that makes more sense to me, but *waves hands* look at all these other ideas in front of me haha

👀oh jeez, I think besides finishing my current half-posted bbs wip, I am going to start working on a Cherry Magic thailand fic. A few of us have had some fun talking about how the manga exists in the CMTh universe and that it could be fun to mess with that a bit.

✅I've been told I write comfort smut so maybe that's it? 😂 See above first answer haha. I do like the friends with benefits tropes and the self delusion people can do to get to be close to the person they desire. It might be a different trope I'm working on and then somehow oops, that's kind of friends with benefits. sorry/not sorry

🎢I'm not exactly sure what this means, but for me I guess I would just assume it was a fic that kinda went unexpected places? I would say it's Boldly Going Where Adachi Has Never Gone Before Eventually, because it's a fic that came out of a cherry magic prompt challenge I helped run and it was just written on fandom crack.

from the fanfic writer emoji ask game!

[iceiclehorned]

Continued from here

@nekasu

The Archon listened to every word he spoke, and he was right. For many moons, she allowed the people of Inazuma to suffer, barely hanging on due to her inability to deal with grief and death, as well as her bare acknowledgment to her role; she lacked the sight to see the bigger picture and it took the traveller to open up her eyes. This did not mean by any means that she was forgiven by her people. She did not fully understand why people still treated her as a God, but she knew one thing was clear; fear was a contributing factor. The way they stare at her as if she could turn back into the monster she was before always got to her emotionally, though she never liked to admit it. Becoming who she was today was a big achievement, and she never once intended to allow that suffering to happen again to her people.

Not to mention that she had not even attempted to search for Neka. Ei did not cling to hope, rather she assumed that he had died. It was an insult to the kitsune. Her heart hung with guilt and sorrow for him. Had she realised that there was hope he could be alive, she would have gone looking for him in an instant. “I see…” her response was so casual, as if she had been told something small and insignificant. When really, her mind was reeling. The amount of hate he had towards her was intense. It just seemed to keep growing rather than dying down. All that time ago, when she had met him … the adoration he had for Makoto was overwhelmingly beautiful. She could not blame him for being the opposite with her. Regardless, it had to be dealt with. He was clearly not going to calm down any time soon.

“I cannot blame you for being angry, coming back to present day Inazuma to learn that I had neglected the duties passed to me by my sister and furthermore… allowed the people of Inazuma to struggle for so long,” her voice was filled with deep regret - something she evidently could not hide from the Kitsune. “But I have changed. I am no longer who I used to be. Rather, I am more willing to put the work in to create a stable nation where my people can thrive. The Shogun is a part of that; she is a part of me.” She blinked. Slowly. As if to want to keep her eyes on him.

Ei then boldly walked closer to him, up until she was at least three feet away. “What would satisfy you?” The question seemed almost too … out of touch. She simply wanted to give him something - anything - that would result in the old him. Ei had deeply missed Neka, despite always seeming to dislike his personality. He was charming and grew on her as time passed. “I will do my best to give you anything. Whatever you demanded of me.” Even if it was a fight, she was … perhaps not so willing to go through what she had to with Chiyo, but she would most definitely fight him if she had to.

Of course, she could not imagine what else he could want other than a fight. Perhaps stability? Would he even want what Makoto once gave him? He seemed too angry… and yet, the thought lingered a little longer than she had anticipated. By this point, her emotions had overwhelmed her. “I… I have missed you.” It was barely a whisper. She then lurched forward and held him in her arms, her fingers caressing his hair. “I’m… sorry I failed you.” Even if he were to kill her now, which is likely (in her eyes at least), she would be happy knowing he was okay and satisfied overall.

[itsamarlfox]

I am the oldest child in my family among my siblings and closest cousins. I was my parents learning curve. The first of firsts. Boldly going where no child had gone before. I was the one who was supposed to be an example to my siblings. But who was I supposed to look up to?

I spent my first year entering middle school wishing I had an older brother. I imagined him as kind and supportive, someone who would protect me when I was scared. I'm 24 now and when I think about that now I realize why I felt that way. I had been homeschooled during elementary school, and returned to public school in fifth grade. Going into sixth was only my second year in public school after the isolation of homeschooling and I had a lot of social learning to do. I felt entirely unprepared on how to deal with the intricacies of pre-teen friendships. I would later learn that I am autistic, and eventually gain a better understanding of how being raised in the church had affected me socially and mentally. So I created this character in my head- I think his name was Mathew- to help me learn how to navigate this new world. I imagined him comforting me when I would cry or when I was scared. He had his own social bubble that gave me insight into how to have friends. He was never mean or cruel to me despite the kind of brothers I had seen on movies and TV. He made me feel safe.

By seventh grade I had mostly forgotten about Mathew. I started finding my own friends in choir and art class and English. I became known as the art kid. The one who doodled in the margins of her notes and impressed teachers with her projects featuring paintings or drawing related to the lessons. I learned what the nerdy kids were and decided that's where I fit. For the most part at least. This wasn't the end of my struggles with school or my social life or the fear of growing up without someone to guide me but I think it was a big part of who I became in highschool and beyond. I'm not the same person as that girl in sixth grade who dreamed of horses and read books like there was no tomorrow, who wished so desperately to feel less alone, but she is me and those coping mechanisms I found all on my own in a big scary world helped me get to where I am now.

[th-ramblr]

[Baldur's Gate 3] - Squidhawk #24

[Cross-posted on AO3]

Although Thorm had gone upward and that orc woman bade him to follow shortly after, Kytes wanted to get at least a small look around first. Scope out the first floor, at the very least, get his bearings, and maybe poke his nose here or there.

At least, that was the idea, but Rune urged him otherwise.

[Not so fast. Lets not get ahead of ourselves. Don’t forget that here, you’re a True Soul. You’ll want to be inclined to obey better than that, at least where the people who are obviously in charge around here are concerned.]

Kytes mentally huffed at him, and he could feel just a little bit of pressure from Rune, unseen eyes boring into him with expectation.

[Trust me on this, alright? Or do I have to point out what’s come of all the times you ignored my advice?]

Fine. Whatever.

Rune gave the impression of a smile in the face of Kytes’ stark reluctance. [Thank you.]

He stepped past the bodies of the goblins that the robed guards started to clean up and drag away, the blond casting a glance back over his shoulder at where they went. Through a heavy wooden door, and towards what seemed like a stone stairwell leading down beneath the castle.

He tucked that into the back of his mind as he went, going upstairs to a second floor instead, and to his left where the orc woman conversed among the company of a huge troll, a couple of skeleton undead, and a dark-skinned woman with even darker face tattoos.

“General Thorm’s prayers and preparations must not be disturbed. The rooftop is off-limits to everyone.”

“Even you, Disciple Z’rell?” the dark-skinned woman snidely remarked, though her voice held a smooth evenness to it all the while.

“Everyone. Keep watch, and ensure that nobody passes.” Even as she finished curtly, Z’rell was already watching Kytes from the corners of her eyes, the rest of her head swiveling to join them faced forward. “Excellent timing, True Soul. The goblins - tell me how they suffered. No. Better yet,” she smirked, “show me.”

He winced as Z’rell’s mind tangled with his, abrupt and forceful, wicked excitement undertoning her searching thoughts as they settled over his memory of the goblins asphyxiating in front of him mere minutes before. Skepticism melted into something warm and satisfied as the influence of her parasite waned, and a toothy smile further stretched across her lips.

“Oh, I like you. That was inventive, and efficient.”

He gave a sniff, tipping his head and crossing his arms. “An’ fun,” he shrugged one shoulder, fixing his eyes on hers boldly. She had already given away how sadistic she was. He could work with that well enough. “Any more-----need punish?”

“Plenty,” she sneered, “but I hoped someone of your talents would be more ambitious. You came here to answer the Absolute’s call. Let’s see what you’re made of.”

With little warning, her thoughts crashed into his again like a storm wave cracking against shoreline, worming into his thoughts, seeking out his wants and hopes, soaking in his emotions, but not without purpose. She was looking for something, proof of faith in the Absolute.

Personally, Kytes had never found any sort of faith in ‘gods’ and the like. Whether they existed or not was irrelevant. They had never answered his prayers or protected him, any more than all the people around him had. Religion was never something he had put a lot of stock into.

At the very least though, he knew he could have faith in some things. Money was something he could reasonably rely on, when he could get it, and he had gotten quite good at the arts of thievery and trade.

Perhaps that was good enough, thinking on the Thieves’ Cant, hoping maybe he could mask his true thoughts to be whatever she was looking for.

Her thoughts grasped at his, trying to find familiar, roiling zealotry like what Kytes had found in Priestess Gut, only to come up empty. The earlier, snide grin on her face faded into a scowl that seemed genuinely disappointed.

“No… just a jumble of nonsense. Shame, I didn’t have you pegged as a simpleton.”

It took all of his willpower not to scowl too deeply in turn, or let his eyes glare too sharply.

“However… a blunt implement can still be of use. General Thorm has a mission for you.”

[That’s it - play along. The closer you can get to the General, the closer you’ll be to the answers you seek.]

He mentally huffed, but otherwise maintained focus on Z’rell.

“Very well. How should I serve?”

“There is a relic that General Thorm requires. He sent his most trusted advisor, Disciple Balthazar, to retrieve it.”

Kytes raised a brow slightly, sensing some note of bitterness in her words, tucking that small note away in the back of his mind. Somehow he got the feeling she didn’t think too fondly of him. A potential advantage in his favor.

“The relic is beneath the Thorm family mausoleum. That is where you will find Balthazar, but we have lost contact with him. Go there, aid Balthazar if you can, and bring the relic home.”

“Wha---tt-t relic?”

“It is something that General Thorm desires, and that he has ordered us to retrieve. That is all you need to know.” Despite her strong tone, he picked up on the way she shifted her weight, her eyes sliding off to the side, anxiety pulling the lines of her face tight just speaking about whatever this relic was.

His head tipped far towards one shoulder in question, his own brows furrowing a bit. “---nervous abou’it--tt-t. Why?”

“I don’t get anxious - I get impatient. You have your mission,” she snapped.

He gave a hum, glancing away to consider that a moment before looking to her again. “Said-----los’ kk-kk-----k-k------k----kk--” He stopped himself, huffing in frustration and watching her nervousness turn to true impatience. Taking a deep breath, he tried to force the words more carefully. “C---on---t--tt-tac--kk-k---t…” He gestured helplessly a moment, cursing his broken speech for slipping out here, especially after her simpleton comment. “--with Balth’zar. Wha’you mean?”

Her face twitched a bit in contempt, sneering, but she deigned to answer him anyway.

“An Eye accompanied him. It was destroyed shortly after he left Moonrise. Hardly a surprise. We are protected here, but outside, the shadows are hungry."

“If he’s dead?”

“Death would not silence Balthazar for long, but dead or alive, he is lost. Whatever has become of him, it is the relic that matters.”

He nodded. “Underst--tt-t---stt--t--” Another huff, giving up. “Yes.”

She gave him another dismissive look. “The shadows around the Mausoleum are deep and hungry. You will need a Moonlantern to survive them. Take one from Balthazar’s chambers,” she directed down the hall behind him. “But don’t pry. The last person who snooped into his secrets lost their head. I believe he uses it as a chamber pot.”

He nodded in understand, barely managing to sidestep getting knocked aside as she brushed past him, and took a few extra steps still to avoid the lumbering ogre that followed in Z’rell’s footsteps.

He watched her go before his eyes moved to settle on the large pair of double doors she had previously stood before, but his glance wasn’t missed as the other woman piped in to interrupt any thoughts about going through that he may have been having, “It is not your time, blessed one.”

He looked at her properly, arms crossing again and head tilting in invitation for her to keep speaking.

“The rooftop chapel is reserved for the General’s private contemplation - save for those he chooses to ascend.”

[This must be the place,] Rune’s thoughts cut across his. [We have to get inside.]

He answered her with a hum, shifting his hands to his hips and gesturing slightly at the door with a finger and his gaze, before looking back.

“How t--t-t--to----ascend?”

“I’m sure you have done a great many things to get this far, True Soul, but above, you will stand in Her very presence. Such an honor requires… more.” While her words were diplomatic enough, her face betrayed contempt for him that left him confused, furrowing his brows a bit. “Disciple Z’rell has given you a chance to earn that honor.”

Was she… jealous? He tried to reach out towards her parasite curiously, and found that she had none at all.

“You thin--kk-k--k-----’m unworthy?”

Coldly, she stared him down, her tone likewise icy. “I believe you will find your rightful place in Her design. Either you will ascend, or you will fall, and I find use for even the fallen.” With a small flick of her head, she directed at the robed skeletons standing on guard all around the corridor. “I hope that is of some comfort to you.”

It most definitely wasn’t, his gaze lingering on one of them with a grimace before he swiveled on his heel to trail in the direction he had seen Z’rell go off to. It was easy enough finding Balthazar’s quarters, with a small help of direction from Z’rell and the ogre.

The first thing Kytes noticed upon entering Balthazar’s quarters was the reddish miasma that permeated everything, and the unmistakeable scent of blood and decay that made him immediately cover his nose.

All the hairs on the back of his neck stood up as his eyes surveyed the burlap sacks hanging from the ceiling, conformed to the shape of humanoid corpses held within. The hollow husks of a dead white tree had at some point burst through the stones and become part of the wall, while blood and viscera coated the tiles underfoot and piled into the corners of the floor.

On a slightly more normal note, some of the walls were lined in book shelves with tome after tome nested tightly within. In front of one of the shelves, he found a semi-familiar metal disc, similar to others he had found in the Githyanki Creche, stowing it away into his pack for later while he continued to look about.

He didn’t spend overly long perusing the spines of the bookshelf, stepping further into the room still covering his nose and spying a few corpses thrown about, the smell of decay permeating off of them.

For the time being, he skirted them towards a softly glowing lantern that was propped into a holding rack, the only one of its kind where there were otherwise empty slots. An identical match to the lantern that that spider freak had used to guide them through the dark before.

This must have been the Moonlantern that Z’rell spoke of, which meant he would be able to move more freely through the shadowlands now.

Stowing it on his persons’, he continued to move about the room, casting a glance at the door he’d come through. No one had come to check on him yet, so it wouldn’t hurt to look around a bit more.

A metal door led him out onto the balcony, giving him a good escape route if needed, propping the door open in the event he needed to make a quick getaway.

Looking over another book-case, he stopped at how uneven the floor felt beneath his feet, shining the light down on the brick-work and inspecting a honey-comb row of slightly raised pits in the floor, ringed in metal.

Traps?

Now just what purpose would Balthazar or anyone have to set traps in front of this bookshelf specifically?

From a glance at another corpse laying unmoved on top of them, he could only guess someone else had made the unfortunate mistake of triggering them. Judging by the numerous holes punctured through their body, there were likely deadly spikes just lying in wait to spring upward.

Certainly not any way that he’d like to die, or be injured, for that matter. He wasn’t fool enough to think that Z’rell and others wouldn’t start asking questions if he crawled his way out of the room, bleeding and in need of help from one of Balthazar’s traps. Dying by spikes would likely be a mercy, compared to the torture he imagined they’d have in store for him if he survived.

Carefully, he stayed off to the side of any range the spikes could reach, experimentally poking, prodding, and tugging at the books lining the shelves until something happened.

Exactly as he thought, when he messed with the right book, huge iron spikes shot upward from the floor, further shredding the corpse that already laid there, and then retreated once more.

Pursing his lips, he hummed thoughtfully. Just what exactly was Balthazar looking to hide, with such a trap as that? Perhaps he was just sadistic, but typically no one went to such troubles just to get their jollies off. There were torture rooms for that, if that were the goal.

Climbing up carefully, he prodded around some more, and almost fell flat on his back as a beam of sparks shot out for the corpses strewn about the room and turned them into ghouls.

Panicking, he quickly scrambled away across the floor, ducking into hiding before they could notice him, and took a quick, silent breath to steady himself as he clutched his daggers tightly.

Thankfully, the half-rotted corpses weren’t terribly hard to dispatch, though they at least told him a few things. There were more than just one trap set up in that bookshelf, which only confirmed all the more that Balthazar had something he didn’t want found either in or behind it.

More poking and prodding, and he found a third trap left in wait.

The metal door slammed itself shut, a gargoyle’s head in the wall above the bookcase glowing from its eyes and mouth, before he heard a distinct hissing noise as green gas started to fill the room. Poison, no doubt.

He quickly covered his face with his arm and went to try and push the metal door to the outside open again, but even when pulling the lever near it, the door wouldn’t budge. Holding his breath, he slipped his lockpicks out and worked the door open with quick precision, stepping out into open air and letting the miasma clear itself from the room.

To a normal person, this would have been plenty of warning to give up trying altogether, but for him, it only meant that whatever Balthazar was protecting, it had to be valuable to go through so much trouble, and Kytes was nothing if not a persistent thief.

Fourth time was the charm as he finally managed to poke a book that unlocked something hopefully promising, a pedestal just to the side of the shelving with an opening at the top which slid apart, revealing a slot to drop something into.

But what?

Well, he certainly wasn’t going to risk putting his hand down it. For all he knew, it would chop it right off, though shining a light down into it, he couldn’t see any sort of object within either, only old dried blood. It could have been some sort of clue, but then again, it seemed like more surfaces than not were covered in some form of blood or viscera around Balthazar's chamber.

It took him a while of looking around and experimenting with different objects placed within the altar - coins, gemstones, jewelry, books, bones, potions - trying to find one that would do something. By sheer luck and frustrated experimentation, he finally found the answer, dropping a human heart within.

The device snapped shut, and revealed a hidden door in the bookcase leading into another small room, which he stepped cautiously into in case there were any more traps lying in wait.

Straight ahead was a desk lined in papers and diagrams, a journal sitting open on its surface, and to his immediate right was a gruesome metal restraint chair with further blood, guts, and severed limbs strewn about the floor.

At the very least, the room was otherwise unoccupied, even if it did turn his nose and his stomach distastefully.

Turning his gaze away from the carnage, he flipped through the journal on the desk, feeling himself mutually perk along with Rune at the writing within.

'I have redirected some materials from beneath the tower. I planned to simply raise what forces I need inside the mausoleum itself, but the General prefers that no more of his family crypts be disturbed. Even so, I may have no choice. The temple will not surrender the Nightsong easily - and the General's invulnerability depends on it. I am sure he will forgive a little transgression if it frees the army to move on Baldur's Gate at last.'

[I see that you’re thinking the same as I am,] Rune hummed into his thoughts, earning a slight glance over Kytes’ shoulder as if the blond would find him there peering over it, before looking back to the pages and stowing the journal away.

That this Nightsong thing is how that General guy can’t be killed? I bet it’s the relic that he wants us to retrieve. And I bet that’s why Z’rell got so nervous.

[Precisely. And I’d be willing to bet that it’s the Nightsong we can use to take him down, if such is the case, though we still don’t know exactly what the Nightsong is.]

Kytes hummed agreement, tipping his head. Something pricy, I bet. Those mercenaries were also after it. Said some person in Baldur’s Gate was paying a lot of money for it.

[Perhaps,] Rune agreed cautiously. [But we should be careful about that. Chances are high that whoever is offering a bounty on the Nightsong are allies or underlings of the Absolute’s Chosen, if not one of the Chosen themselves. It would do us no favors to hand over such a thing on the promise of a bit of pocket change.]

Kytes huffed. I guess.

Further searching around the room, Kytes crept closer to the restraint seat and a second desk close to that, eyes falling upon a bowl full of dead Illithid parasites.

[The necromancer was experimenting on the tadpoles.]

And by the looks of things, not only those, the table riddled with empty or broken lantern casings and the darkened corpses of pixies.

[But they were already imbued with Netherese magic…] Rune noted after his own inspection through Kytes’ awareness, disinterested in the lanterns. [So where did that magic come from?]

Your guess is as good as mine. I hardly know anything about magic.

[Something we should try to remedy, when we have the time,] Rune teased lightly. [Though Netherese magic isn’t something I’d expect even your average novice wizard to have a strong understanding of.]

Kytes hummed thoughtfully, tracing his fingers over the lines of a ritual circle painted into the surface of the desk, with the picture of a skull at its center.

Maybe this has something to do with it?

[No, I don’t think so. More likely it has to do with the creation of those moonlanterns, judging by everything else scattered about here. In any case, I think what we’ve managed to find here is satisfactory for now. You don’t want to get caught snooping, and we know now what we need to find if we’re to defeat Ketheric. As for the source of the tadpole’s magic, we’ll need to look elsewhere, but it must be somewhere within this tower.]

Kytes nodded agreement before making his way from the room, thankfully drawing no suspicious eyes.

For now, he’d get a good look around the ground floor and listen for any more hints towards where he should turn his focus, but they had one answer at least.

It seemed likely that the Nightsong was somehow critical to Ketheric’s and the Absolutist’s success, so long as they could locate the mausoleum where it was hidden, but that would be tomorrow’s task to undertake.

[zak-shit]

march 1st 2024 9:14 pm

don't greatly feel like doing this rn, but i know I do need to.

brain is constantly racing lately. i mean constantly i really do.

the grief of losing lisa has been coming harder, i really miss her and i cant believe she is really gone. i will never forget that woman. lisa was truly my favorite person growing up. she's a real angel now.;/ Marisa Lynn just called me while I was writing the below stuff, she said new years eve was the best. I think about thanksgiving alot too, we had a all nighter, I'll never forget seeing Lisa on the back porch as the sun came up. and that was practically the last time I really saw her. Her health went downhill so quick after that.. I had the thought earlier like things just came together in a way, and that night was almost a send off for her. except nobody knew. it was really our fucking reunion., and it turned into our last night together.

tomorrow ive got to go to my brother casey's wedding ;| i haven't seen this side of my family in like nearly 5 years. i ordered something I really like to wear, something that is appropriate, but also boldly ME. It may not arrive in time, and I don't know what to wear in that situation yet, also don't know if what I already have that is appropriate is something i feel comfortable wearing/ me. :/ but its fineeeeeee this wedding will happen. i'm going to see both of my brothers tomorrow, my dads brother (he's chill) and my other niece's and nephews. just weird bc i don't know these people honestly. we have a zero on the relationship bar. idk that just makes me anxious, uncomfortable... shruggg. i just know when I have a life event I wouldn't invite them, but I feel obligated. however i do also feel immensely happy for Casey, the divorce of his first marriage im sure was extremely hard for him. i'm glad he has a great partner now, large happy family. he seems content the last few times I'd seen him. Casey is the only one I have seen in the last 5 years. My aunts funeral, fathers day like two years ago, and Marissas baby shower. He is a good guy, and he deserves to be celebrated and have who he wants to show up for him, show up. I'll also have Cece, and Marissa there to keep me company.

i feel alone. Wrote that before Marisa Lynn called me. Expecting and hoping she calls me back. Idk, its Friday night and I'm all alone, not much is stimulating to me. I don't have a hyper fixation right now, so its like I have nothing lol. makes me feel like a zombie just coasting through life. I understand why my comfort/ favorite/ go to people cant hang out tonight but idk I miss them. And I had to cancel plans with Alyssa for tomorrow bc I changed my mind on attending the wedding. Texted her asking about other days after we talked and she said she was soooo happy I was going. and nothinnnnnn. idk a little "let me seee" and then get back to me would be nice... i know shes got alot going on though. im not upset with her at all. but I miss her :( Ruby cant hang because her back is killing her :( also not upset with her at all, i see her all the time lol. but idk maybe i'm just a bit bored... I have decided to start working shows at the theatre again! maybe partly for a little stimulation. Its been so long since I've done a show! I used to think strongly that I couldnt do it because I'm not getting payed.. but I was never payed before, I always did it because I enjoyed it so much! Its something to do thats a passion of mine. also the sense of community is great and admirable. everyone who is there.. wants to be there! its not like at work where people are miserable. I applied on the website, but i think I'll draft an email to someone tonight. I wanna jump on this burst of energy for it before it goes away and I don't take it up again. plus I'd like to see how much I like it. Crazy being able to get back into hobbys. lol for so long I thought it was possible to make time for it. and hey with me being active there again, maybe it would be easier to also get Cece into it.

I also bought some adderal from Kerri, I think thats what has awoken quite a bit inside me. i really need this shit to be real human. lol especially the highted emotions. I've actually cried both yesterday and today. and its been so therapeutic. Lisa also took me to my first audition into the theatre, she sat there while I did it, she filled out the paperwork. I thank her for that. I wished I could in person because that really means alot not looking back and seeing how far that took me/ changed my life. it really did change my life. so did our pitch perfect binges. <3

my mom has been really good lately. she stopped drinking as much. like for a few weeks, maybe 2 weeks. she didnt really drink at all. shes been alot more active around the house, she said she would treat herself to it on saturdays. which is fair, thats cool. so yesterday, a thursday when I came home and I could tell she at least had a buzz going on, it instantly locked up. idk i was dissappointed, i was angry, I was sad. It triggered me for sure, because, for once I wasnt expecting it. at least on Saturdays I would expect it. I can clock when shes had a sip of alcohol better than I can clock probably anything. so she cant lie to me about it.. but also highly emotional on it because I've wanted the last few weeks to be our reality for so long, and so badly... she really seems ready to cut it down to one day a week. and I know she can do it, she just did it. she just has to stick to it. I have high hopes, thats why I didnt blow up or something about it, also because i'm smarter than that, i know time and place to be heard best. and after a drink its never there. I just mentioned it this morning. I think she had a tiny bit to drink tonight too.

currently talkin flirtin with trey <3 i want him :((

xoxo wasted a bunch of time its now 12:29 am need to try to get sleepy byeeee