#To seek out new life

[tothemaxi]

SPACE:

THE FINAL FRONTIER.

THESE ARE THE VOYAGES OF THE STARSHIP ENTERPRISE.

ITS FIVE-YEAR MISSION:

TO EXPLORE NEW WORLDS;

TO SEEK OUT NEW LIFE

AND NEW CIVILIZATIONS;

AND TO BOLDLY GO

WHERE NO MAN HAS GONE BEFORE!

[walkthevalley]

It's my 1 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

This blog was started in the beginning of the absolute darkest season of my life. I thought it might act as a sort of sanity project. I figured if someone could get something good out of this God-forsaken time of my life, then at least it wouldn't be COMPLETELY pointless. Because I couldn't imagine that all this suffering, all this pain, all this aftermath of being robbed of what I held most prized and precious, could be for no purpose. It just COULDN'T be completely irrational, without reason, a random senseless act of spiritual and emotional violence with no rationale. I knew I'd always been unlucky despite being part Irish, but this was a new level of bad luck and I couldn't swallow the idea that it was a random targeted hit of abuse without some sort of purpose. Martyrdom seemed more tenable than whatever it was I was going through, because at least martyrs are considered special and noble and get posthumous honor for their sacrifice. So I decided to start this sanity project in case someone, somewhere out there in the great big wide world, needed something that I could provide in this damned season, which is the point of my life at which I knew I was damned to live without joy, without goodness, without fulfillment. I was responsible for picking up the pieces of all my broken dreams and putting them in the recycle bin in case someone else could use a piece to build their perfect life. Then my hollow and hopeless future may at least have a tiny dose of purpose...for someone else. Always for someone else. Never for me. I was a fool to think I could enjoy my life for me.

My first few posts on Walk the Valley were, admittedly, masks. I was pretending to be okay, or at least better than I actually was. I was pretending to be well forward on my journey of healing, putting out the image of a strong woman who don't need no man, who may get knocked down but gets right back up and spits on the ground he walks on. I was just pretending. I mean--don't take that the wrong way, what I said was absolutely honest, and I was actually trying to heal, and I don't think what I said before needs to be thrown out--but I was fooling myself. I was trying to put up the image that I was okay, when the truth was that every day I was faced with how dead I was inside and how merciless it was to force my body to carry on when my soul was gone. I was, not to put too fine a point on it, the walking dead. Twice in this season of my life, I flirted with the idea of allowing my body to match my soul. For more on that, read The Flames of Advent: Hope here on Walk the Valley. Probably should come with a trigger warning, as if what I've said so far hasn't needed one as well.

That post about the First Flame of Advent describes the pivotal time in this walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, this blog's namesake, at which my healing became real. Everything before that, well-meaning as it was, was nothing but a band-aid; the Hope candle was the beginning of my real journey of healing, beginning with the super-invasive surgery where they crack your ribs open and butterfly your chest so they can reach your heart, and you basically die for a minute while someone holds your heart in their hands. If you don't like graphic stuff, sorry, go find another blog because here I tell it like it is and imagery is my strong suit.

The heart is a fascinating organ and it can actually legitimately break with enough emotional trauma. This is a great video explaining the relevant heart anatomy and this is a quick detail of the bioscience of why this happens. Enjoy the bioscience behind that, and think before you break another heart.

I guarantee that had someone taken a chest x-ray of me last August, they would have seen tako-tsubo cardiomyopathy, described in the video I linked. Had someone been able to look inside my left ventricular apex, they would have seen those tendons snapped in half. I know what the Hell I felt. My physical heart was broken just as much as my emotional heart was, and the beginning of that healing came the day before Thanksgiving (so, three months later), when I hit rock bottom.

Most people don't realize ... rock bottom is your friend. Be grateful for rock bottom. Rock bottom saves you from being incinerated in the core of the earth.

We call it rock bottom as if it's the worst place you could possibly be. "Nowhere to go but up," somebody remarks glibly, not knowing what else to say but not willing to actually do anything to help either.

But rock bottom has another name. Geologists call it bedrock.

Bedrock is actually the best, most solid, most stable ground you could ever want to build on. Unless you're building on or near a fault line, rock bottom is the absolute best place to start building. It's the most solid foundation you could ask for.

So the next time you're at rock bottom and someone says, "Nowhere to go but up," reply, "Nothing left to do but start building." My smart ass would add, "I don't suppose you'd offer your help?" but you do you, sweetheart. You don't have to be the snarky-shark I am.

So, here we are one year later.

A year of learning the true meaning of healing, of pain, of Hamlet's soliloquy, of rock bottom, of rebirth.

One year later, I now understand that someone did need something out of this blog. Someone did need what I had to say about all this. Someone did need to be understood, to see their own experiences written down to know they're not alone. Someone did need Walk the Valley.

That someone was me.

What say you all, another year?

I believe I have a couple more Flames of Advent to write about.

[winged-bat]

werewolf bernard x witch tim

[specialagentartemis]

Sarah Sisko’s whole deal is so horrifying and messed up and DS9 just kinda. Glosses over it

[sunmoontruth-stiles]

I need a completely rewritten teen wolf series with Derek Hale as the main character. I think it would heal me.

[aj-lenoire]

i’ve been rewatching inside job and firstly i’m still super bummed netflix cancelled it but secondly i don’t quite know how the animators managed with such a simple style but the way reagan and staedtler look at each other is so soft and sweet and it’s legit making me tear up

[anthromimicry]

[llumimoon]

The Talk (page 4)

Doodler AU post || start || previous || next ||

Sparrow’s turn to go “he just like me fr” with the Doodler. All the Oaks r Doodler kinnies 😤

This comic takes place shortly after the Doodler’s homunculus body was made. Lark and Sparrow try to figure out how they feel about the situation.

Dialogue under the cut!

Sparrow: Lark, what did they say?

Lark: …

Lark: It wants to try having a normal human childhood.

Sparrow: oh.

Lark: It’s not going to work. The world doesn’t work that way.

Sparrow: …Well why not?

[badtimeswithart]

merboy and bird(bad)boy <3 

[sukibenders]

"Ariel was stupid like she gave up her life in the ocean for a boy-" Well, if you actually watch the movie, before she even meets Eric, Arield shows interest in going to the surface and learning the ways of the humans. She collects artifacts and hides them, along with her trips to the surface from her father, who is prone to anger and hates her interest. He blows up her cave filled with said artifacts and bans her from ever going back to the surface (and seeing Eric, but the surface aspect and him go hand and hand). You want me to believe that you wouldn't book it at the first opportunity you got? Like yeah, the context of the deal was sketchy as hell, but when your dad is the literal ruler of all the seas you don't have many options. Also, in the sequel, Ariel is still connected to the ocean and can go back, especially after Ursula's sister dies so, in all honesty, my girl still wins in the end.

[magicaledford]

I didn't know my passion could burn me out, too!

[egberts]

girls wake up there's a new worm bike playlist in progress

alana said the new one is way more funky, I've noticed a lot of punk bands are piggy dippin in a funk/punk sound more than a pop/punk sound and honestly? I'm so obsessed.

[atomiclace]

who knew that some agere people would be the worst type of people to exist (talking about you spinny)

[chicago-geniza]

The Data On Trial episode as an allegory for trans legislation in the US (showing myself out)

[blujayonthewing]

I've thought a lot about the several thousand year old gnome druid we met who was just bitter and jaded and had spent most of those millennia sitting in one place not doing anything in particular except mourning her tiefling wife who'd died millennia ago, and how disgusted and infuriated with her melliwyk is, personally but also as a gnome herself-- and I'm thinking about it again like. honestly I think it goes beyond general cultural values; that level of willful ongoing stagnation and joyless nihilism is probably completely seriously a gnomish sin

[roobylavender]

(Really long ask ahead i’m sorry!) I think your thoughts on dick and his similarities vs differences to bruce are so interesting! Personally i’m wondering how much of NTT played an influence on this kind of characterization bc i’ve never fully finished ntt but i read like nearly all the pre-80s batman 1940 issues lol and dick very much was portrayed as more idealistic than bruce in some ways while more no-nonsense (? For lack of better word) in other ways, like when it comes to batman easing up a little on selina for romance reasons LOL. Though ofc dick totally turns into - well, a dick - in team books, as i grow older i find myself far more compelled by a potential story of an 18 yr old who seemed to have the whole weight of the world on his shoulders (by his own perception) and breaking under his own impractically strong sense of duty and sky-high expectations for others, then realizing as he grows older that it doesn’t have to be that way esp after seeing the perspectives of characters like kory, wally, joey, roy, etc. Like personally as someone who never really had a huge interest in NTT anyway, i’m surprised at how desperately people want to hold on to the characterization of dick when he was 18-19 and never letting him grow past that, like it’s so difficult for me to believe that at age 25 he would be the same uptight controlling kid that he was at 19. Maybe i’m biased though bc i was like one of those insufferable INTJ internet stereotypes as a teenager, and while that worldview did bring me achievements i’m proud of like the fact that i’m in med school rn studying what i love, i still know that at age 22 i have changed SO much from when i was 18 and i can’t imagine any reasonably mature or normally-functioning person (let alone someone high-functioning like dick) not doing the same lol. Especially since dick is the kind of person who would literally die if he’s not constantly growing and evolving past his faults bc of his insufferable perfectionism, idk how he’d be willfully blind to the negative effects of his worldview in early NTT and refuse to grow from there. He even has a quote that’s like “i’ve spent years as a student of my own behavior” which i always found highly encouraging bc i know he really does want to improve himself even at his worst. It reminds me of that Marcus Aurelius quote: “if someone can prove me wrong and show me my mistake in any thought or action, i shall gladly change. I seek the truth, which never harmed anyone; the harm is to persist in one’s own self-deception and ignorance.” But what are your thoughts? (Thank you for reading all this 🥹)

oh i absolutely agree! i cannot tell you how many times i think about the person i was a couple years ago and who i am now like i cringe so much omg.. maturity is an ever persistent process even if we don't recognize its effects immediately and it absolutely is crazy to think that anyone would remain in such a static state of mind for several years on end. esp when like you said dick is someone who wants to be better! so despite his several hypocrisies it is nonetheless in his best interests to look internally and analyze and evolve. and i feel like that very much could have happened had there been any actual segue between dick's breakup with kory and his re-entry into the batfam. i don't think there was much of a connection between these two sets of writers at all and so what you got is what felt like two very distinct parts of dick's life that didn't necessarily reveal a bridge point. so it's not entirely unrealistic that dick may grow to be the person (at least to some extent) that bat canon portrayed him to be in the years that followed but i certainly think as it stands it felt unearned and like all of his issues explored in ntt were conveniently swept to the side without any semblance of closure (albeit i do think some of these issues are addressed in outsiders '03 but in that dickheaded way that winick explores things generally. so i'm not sure it's the kind of closure people actually want). it's very sad and ig that's what people cling to more than anything. it's not that they're opposed to him growing to be a better person but that they're opposed to a version of dick who feels like he sprung out of nothing