#Though I will say I don’t think this line of logic should apply to alternate timelines

[utdrmv-confession-box]

Transcript: Im personally not all that bothered by xtale using gendered pronouns for their humans or making them not nonbinary specifically because of the fact that the creator of xtale doesn't ignore or reject the fact that vanilla/canon/undertale Chara and Frisk ARE nonbinary and use they/them.

and also like nonbinary people can still use gendered pronouns so he/they xhumans headcanons go brrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[redaliveviolation]

SPOILERS FOR BATMAN 148!!

Am I a bad person for laughing when I heard that Jason got killed off again? No, here’s why and how I think he should die instead:

This is gonna be a long one so strap in folks. I have sort of been cherry picking this whole run just because the writing has been so wishy washy, so much so that it’s genuinely made me lose an interest in DC. Comics lately have been pulling the weirdest things just for shock value, because they can’t write a half decent story line or character anymore. Their characters will have some growth and then it immediately gets destroyed a couple of issues later.

I’m sure you’ve heard it before (because we all agree) but there’s no real consequences in comics anymore. Characters get killed off at the end of an issue just for them to be revived within a few issues or if we’re going with Batman 148, literally the next one. There’s no legitimate stakes because everything that happens gets “fixed.” Tim gets shot through the throat? Eh he’ll be fine, he can walk it off and be up and running within an issue or two. Bruce starts acting erratic/insane (again)? Oh don’t worry it’s not actually Bruce it’s his alternate personality Zur-En-Arrh. Which, side note, is the stupidest fucking name/concept I’ve seen in a while, truly baffling.

Honestly, the only part of the run that I’ve seen so far that’s even a little bit interesting is Bruce literally changing Jason’s brain chemistry so that whenever adrenaline hits he has a fear response so bad it shuts him down. Let’s start off with, hey Bruce what the fuck? If he’s had a machine that can legitimately rewire a person’s brain in that way to make him incapable of killing, why in the world would you not use it on the rogues? And yes, I understand that some of them either don’t react to fear, embrace it, don’t care etc etc but if you have the technology to change their brain whos to say you can’t make that machine do whatever you want? It doesn’t have to be specifically fear. Maybe force their motor neurons to not respond whenever they experience an adrenaline rush so they physically cannot move and kill their prey. Moralistically, it’s not the most correct, obviously, but that’s just an example of an extreme. There’s a lot more acceptable things it could be used for and Batman never does. Having that as a plot point makes no sense logically when applying it to Bruce in any way. Even though he’s been written as straight up brain dead these last few years based on his decisions, Bruce is a very smart man and could absolutely find both a morally correct and smart/safe option using the machine. It doesn’t even make sense for him to have it seeing as he would have used it already and cut down on about half of his Gotham related problems. “Oh, but red! That would mean that we’d have to get rid of the Joker because the machine would have taken care of him.” GOOD, I’m sick of his ass, there are so many better rogues to pick from as a new arch enemy. The Joker is bland, predictable, and I could not give less of a fuck about him, he’s not compelling in any way.

Secondly, as fucked up as it is it could actually (unfortunately, I don’t like giving them any credit nowadays) be an insanely good way to kill off Jason and make it stick. Or, at least I think they should make it stick because again, actions have consequences and comics need to go back to that. Anyways, to sum it up it would most likely send Jason into cardiac arrest. The sympathetic nervous system (SNS) controls both the adrenaline and fear responses the machine would be “regulating.” The SNS triggers the fight/flight response and sends epinephrine (adrenaline) throughout the body, elevating heart rate and blood pressure. As soon as higher levels of epinephrine are produced the machine will kick on the fear response to “suppress” this, but instead of shutting off the flow of epinephrine and/or producing acetylcholine to lower heart rate, when the fear response is kicked into motion even more epinephrine will flood the system. It becomes a never ending cycle fueling itself, never ending fear. Your heart working that hard and fast for such an extended period of time would absolutely give out on you.

Personally, I think that would be an insane wake up call to everyone but for this he would need to stay dead and to stay dead for a while. As in several years at least. As stated earlier, long term consequences do not exist in DC (or at least Batman) comics anymore, everything gets turned around with not great writing or retconned or generally not accepted as canon. But a death like this would mean something. It wouldn’t just be death for shock value, it would be Jason Todd, one of Batman’s alleged greatest mistakes being put down like a dog and Bruce having to live with it. How would Bruce’s morals shift and change because of his death? Would he reconsider how he deals with rogues, would he retire, would he leave? How would his children react and retaliate? How would the rogues react seeing Batman inadvertently cause the death of his child in his pursuit of Justice?

The effect of Jason’s death was extremely significant on many characters and their development the first time it occurred, would it be more or less so this time? So many routes to pursue, it’s a horrifying concept when you think about how it would actually affect Jason which is why they’re never going to do anything about it. If you’re going to use a character death as a plot point it has to actually mean something, not a mindless death that’ll be cured quickly and with an incredibly inane line of “I’ve had practice dying.” Wow, you’re so original. I’m pretty sure I read that in some b-rated fic by a 14 year old two years ago. Also, maybe stop acting like Jason is the only one who has died and that he’s the most special because of it? Outside of Tim (because he’s never legit died in canon, only offshoots) practically everyone else in the family has died at one point. His personality is not just his death. It’s irritating and it’s poor writing.

TLDR: I’m right, DC’s wrong and their writing is shit. If Jason dies it needs to have an actual literary purpose and it needs to stick for it to mean anything.

[scarlet-rosepetals]

Listen OP, I recognize that you probably didn’t ask the question in earnest because no one on this gods forsaken website asks questions earnestly, but it fucking kills me that even with genocide joe funding an extremely visible genocide right now as I type this we are still doing this shit, so I’m going to answer earnestly.

You are not American, as you said, so I get that from the outside that looks like an innocuous statement, but the reason people get angry about those who’s response to everything is “you should still vote blue” is because it never just means “you should still vote blue”. It is designed, at its core, to be a victim blaming statement, and it directly translates to “the United States would be a perfect country if only those yucky wucky marginalized people weren’t too laaaaaaazy to vote!!!” I recognize that this might sound like an exaggeration to you, but I need you to understand that there are uncomfortably large swaths of people in this country who earnestly believe that every bad thing that has happened in the United States since 2016 happened because Trump won the election, and that he won because young marginalized people didn’t cast their votes. The democratic party is in power right now, choosing to fund genocide right now, and people believe this is happening as a direct result of an insufficient number of young people voting blue no matter who.

I’ll put it in perspective. Imagine walking up to a Palestinian immigrant in the US right now who lost their family to Israel’s bombing and telling them they should still go vote blue next election or things will really get bad. Can you seriously look me in the eye and tell me that sounds like an innocuous practical statement right now?

You bring up what the alternatives are, and in fairness, I’m sure you’re getting a lot of responses that are completely irony poisoned jokes about firebombing a Walmart instead of genuine responses, but also in fairness the fact that those are your ideas for alternative actions is pretty disturbing and suggests that you just don’t think there’s a viable solution other than to keep voting blue and hoping that eventually fixes everything, which it won’t, actually it will make things worse. Frankly, it’s weird how few people seem to think that getting everyone to stand up and say “I will vote for this political party and support them no matter what they do” isn’t an obvious recipe for disaster. The democratic party is explicitly counting on left-leaning people to keep saying that so that they can keep courting centrists and pushing their party further politically right, because that’s the logical thing to do to get the most votes if voting for them is truly the only “moral” option for anyone on the left (and also because the two party system is a farce but that’s another post).

So what are the real, honest alternatives then? Well, honestly the most appropriate answer to that question is “what are you, a cop?”. Detailing your personal political actions on the internet is horribly unsafe regardless of the legal and moral status of your actions. If they genuinely challenge the status quo, it’s dangerous to talk about them. In the broad strokes though the best thing we can do is work together and help each other, because individualist notions about doing your small part in isolation or being an individual crusader for the revolution are bullshit. We’re all going to have to be a little nicer to each other and a little more willing to work as a group. On my end, that starts with providing you with a genuine explanation even though your question was dismissive and carried the victim-blaming sentiment of the “just vote blue” rhetoric. On yours, it starts with listening (and yes it starts with you too, don’t think for a second that whatever country you live in means this all doesn’t apply, the world will not be changed strictly along border lines)

listen i am not american. i understand that even democrats fucking suck and its a genuinely shitty situation to be in. im so sorry. but hey, hey look at me. why are you guys bullying people for saying "you should still vote blue?" Like im curious about the alternatives youve got. voting red? firebombing walmart? tumblr user catboyssepticbutthole, i know you will not be firebombing walmart.

[sylverstorms]

Cassandra x Maiden----Anonymity

Three months, two days and seven hours.

That is how long you’ve been in Dimitrescu castle for. If rumor is to be believed, you are well on your way to setting the year’s record for longest living maid. Well. ‘Maid’, according to their perception. Your mind always automatically corrects it to something more fitting:

Prisoner.  

You did not choose to work for them. You did not choose to be in this godforsaken place, cleaning crimson stains off the floors, trying to convince yourself the wailing that sometimes reaches your ears is simply the wind. You never would have imagined your life’s end like this, serving wine –no, who are you kidding, it’s too crimson for that— to the Dimitrescus at dinner until one of them snaps and drives the nearest blade into your throat.

Probably Daniela.

It’s not unheard of. And stories of other maids’ murders are plenty.

Daniela has bitten one’s throat off for the crime of addressing her wrongly. Cassandra has left increasingly deep gashes, some of which resulted in deaths, for random offenses, like staring at her for too long. Bela, arguably the more merciful of the three, has snapped necks only when the staff disrespected her sisters’ names, or her mother’s.

You aren’t sure if you want to thank the older maids for this information or yell at them for the nightmares it has caused you. You are lucky to not be in the village, they say –everyone there must already be dead. You are even luckier to have been taken from the dungeon by the Lady herself. It means the daughters don’t know you and the castle is big enough that they may never spare you a glance.

You hadn’t believed it, at first.

Yet in the three months of your stay, you have never come across anyone other than Bela in the sections you were assigned to clean and polish. She passed you by the hallway like she did the decorations and the furniture –and you couldn’t be happier about it. You have caught scarce glimpses of Alcina Dimitrescu, too. Never the other two residents.

Not until the fateful day another maid disappears and the staff’s assigned posts change. You have no say in it and no power to object.

May as well keep my head down and continue to work as carefully as I have. That is the idea. Not to look too much, or think too much, or feel too much. Avoid mistakes because those in the castle are fatal.  

It is a little difficult to remain utterly calm when the sound of swarming insects comes from far behind you, though.

Your blood starts to kick in your veins. Your heart wants to jump out of your chest and make a run for it. You lock your muscles down and summon all the willpower you possess to stay focused on your task.

Please be Bela, please, please, be Bela—

The buzzing dies down. Steps approach you in the otherwise silent hallway. They are too light to be Bela’s. You’re probably screwed, you think, but you keep cleaning the surface in front of you until it’s practically a mirror with how it shines.

The steps halt too close to you for comfort. Out of the corner of your eye, you realize they’ve left bloody imprints on the floor you’ve been polishing for hours now. Dainty, pale fingers are wrapped loosely, almost lazily, around a sickle dripping crimson.    

“Never seen you around, before.” the sound of her voice makes you freeze.

You stop and turn— to face none other than Cassandra Dimitrescu. Her hood is down, brunette waves on point, the dried blood at her chin a terrible contrast to her otherwise attractive face. You… didn’t know she was that pretty, up close.

“I… I have been here for three months. On the opposite wing.” you say. Was I even supposed to reply? You’ll find out soon enough, if your tongue is still attached to your body.

Her eyes give you a quick once-over. “Bela’s been keeping you a secret, huh.” she tsks. Her free hand goes to the handle of the door next to you… and only then do you realize it must be her bedroom. You’re literally assigned to clean the wolf’s den. “Come wake me up when the sun has set, completely.” she emphasizes.

What.

“Uh—”

The crimson-dyed sickle moves until its blade rests underneath your chin, lifting it so your eyes meet hers. From this angle, under the pale lighting of dawn, they look more –stunning— blue than inhuman gold. “No loud sounds. No lights. Got it?”

How can you not, when your life depends on it?

“Yes, my lady.” you reply. You don’t even dare draw breath.

“Good.” In one swift movement, the sickle is gone, the handle turned and she’s already shedding her robe.

You catch a glimpse of a black corset and a narrow waist before you avert your eyes.

The door shuts.

...

Waking Cassandra up can be… tricky, the other maids tell you.

She detests light when she opens her eyes but she also doesn’t want it to be pitch black. You’re not supposed to talk but you can’t shake her, either. Which brings you to the very logical question:

“What the hell am I supposed to do, then?”

To which they have no answer.

They have no answer, you realize with a start… because there’s nobody alive to tell the tale of how to actually wake the brunette sleeping beauty up without simultaneously signing their own death sentence.

The hours pass both too slow and too fast. The sun sets over the horizon.

And you stand, riddled with nerves, outside Cassandra’s room.

A deep inhale later, you turn the handle. The door is left half-open so a bit of light comes in from the hallway. Her bedroom smells like shampoo, bath salts and spices. She must have taken a shower before she went to sleep. You approach the figure tucked under the silken sheets of the queen-sized bed…

Cassandra is lying on her side, one hand underneath her pillow, the other extended loosely towards the edge of the mattress. She probably sleeps naked, at least from the waist up, but thankfully the covers are wrapped around her chest. Their royal red color makes a stark contrast against the paleness of her skin.

Her face is so… serene.

She is a monster and a sadistic killer, yet right there you can’t deny she looks more like a renaissance painting.

Now onto the hard part.

“My lady… the sun has set.” you whisper, kneeled on the floor beside her. No movement comes. “Hey… I’m here to wake you up?” you try again. Still nothing. Shakily, you bring your hand up to the bed. Not daring to touch her, you leave it beside hers, over the covers. “Cassandra?”

She turns her face deeper into her pillow –no, no, you don’t think it’s cute, what’s wrong with you— but at least she’s finally reacting. You call her name one more time.

Her nose scrunches up a little. Long fingers flex –and they touch yours. She’s cold. A pair of blueish ambers blink open to regard you. Not with malice, or with annoyance.

“Good evening.” you speak, unsure of what else to say.

A smirk slowly curves her lips. She looks like a lazy cat pondering whether or not it’s worth it to pounce and that’s not good. It’s not good, not ‘hot’ like your mind suggests. God, you’ve been in this castle so long you are starting to get messed up.

“Mm, breakfast in bed.” she grins and licks her lower lip sexily. Your eyes fly wide open, but her hand is already gripping the front of your black shirt, trapping you there.

How could you ever find this psycho attractive?! you get mad at yourself. Is she hot now that she’s going to kill you?  

But Cassandra only lets out an airy laugh and releases you. You fall backwards on your behind. “Breathe, darling, I’m joking.” She rolls onto her back and seems to wince from it. Her smile vanishes.

“…does… your back hurt?” you ask when you finally find your voice again.

“Ugh, a Lycan landed a hit on me. He’s pieces now, of course, but my muscles still pull.” she says it casually, like it’s a thing that happens.

Silence falls over the room. You take it as your cue to leave. You stand and bow while she’s looking blankly at the ceiling—

But she stops you.

“Wait. Come here.” you don’t like it when she gets that tone, like she came up with something she cannot wait to try. You’re already close to the bed, you’re not sure what she means. Until she pats the spot right next to her. “Don’t make me say it again.”

You won’t. You know what’s good for you.

Hesitantly, you take a seat on the –admittedly very comfortable— mattress. “Yes, lady?”

“Give me a massage.” she says like it’s your job, like she’s the rich woman in a spa and it’s what’s expected. She turns onto her front, bearing her naked back to you and you have less than five seconds to come to terms with the thought of straddling her.

Carefully, you bring your knees on either side of her thighs and pull the sheets so they rest low at her waist. You feel warmer than you should given the temperature of the castle. If she knows the fine teasing line she’s walking, she is loving every inch of it.

Cassandra loves being the center of attention and she loves being pampered, you realize.

It’s probably amusing to her to make you fluster, but this is also an opportunity for you to get on her good graces. She is a dangerous one and it’ll be a great asset for your survival if she’s leaning favorably towards you. Win-win situation. You just have to be good at your job. Like always.

By some miracle of God, you do know how to work the tension out of muscles.

The first time you touch her, you simply rest your hands on her back to warm it. She doesn’t seem to object, from the way lean muscle stretches out under your fingers. Cassandra feels cool, but not hard like marble. Her skin yields under your touch, soft and smooth.

As you apply more pressure to your stokes, she starts to let out little sighs that you have to mute in your mind before they start to affect you. You’ve been high-strung and without sex for too long. Your body all too eagerly intercepts this death-trap as foreplay.

Minutes roll by.

You alternate between all the methods you know. The one that really seems to get her is when you drive your thumb into the knots and end with a little circle.

Cassandra is –God help you— openly moaning every time you press more. It is a bit too much pressure you’re applying though and you don’t know if you’re hurting her and she’s just into it.

“Is this too much…?” you ask. Fuck, why do you sound so breathless?

“No, it’s good.” she husks back.

“Harder?” You don’t know what innocent means, anymore.

Cassandra sends that little smirk again over her shoulder. “Harder.” she replies and the extra flair she puts into it is enough to nearly fry your brain. And other parts of you.

You’re pretty sure you need a cold shower by the time you leave her room.

...

At diner, you hang back in the shadows, gaze downcast.

You do not need to know what the Dimitrescu family is eating, nor what they’re drinking. You do not need to see Cassandra or risk catching Daniela’s gaze. You love your anonymity in the castle. It has kept you alive.

But it is shattered like frail glass when you bring another bottle of Sanguis Virginis to the table. You’ve almost retreated back to your place, when Daniela’s eyes zero in on you.

“She’s the human!” she exclaims like she’s made the world’s most startling discovery. Bela seems to understand, but the Lady and Cassandra frown over their glasses.

“I am almost afraid to ask, love.” Lady Alcina says…

And she’s right.

“The one who made Cassandra go ‘harder’ and ‘yes, yes!’ earlier this evening.” she impersonates in her sluttiest voice and then breaks into a fit of cackles. Bela’s lip twists into a withheld chuckle.

Lady Dimitrescu nearly chokes on her wine.

Cassandra slaps the back of Daniela’s head. “You’re such an idiot.”

“Girls.” Alcina warns and glares until the table calms again.

Then, her eyes curiously fall upon you.

So much for your anonymity.

Ko-Fi

[shoichee]

Hello! Can I perhaps ask for no. 28. “Make me” from your prompt list for my beloved Imayoshi? It's so nice seeing him here on your theme and avatar and that pERFECT url, it feels like I finally found my people.

HELLO HELLO, and YES I WAS SO SURPRISED THAT NO ONE TOOK THIS URL... considering that it was just an alternative spelling of shoichi and its a rlly short handle too mwehe // im sort of a particular person when it comes to how something looks, whether itd be outfits, drawings, coloring, and the UI of a blog, u name it.... i may have spent hours trying to have the perfect colors for this theme PLEASEEEE, but without further ado here is our man, our little shit, Imayoshi

@knb-kreations howdy! another new work posted here!

Imayoshi x Reader

28. “Make me”

Word Count: 2331

prompt list here

»»—————　☼　—————««

Imayoshi doesn’t exactly know how he feels about you.

Scratch that, he does know. He’s quite amused at the shenanigans you pull on others around you, and a lot of times, you actually elicit a few dry laughs out of the guy. Other times though, he’d wish that you would just shut the fuck up, especially when all he hears amidst his studying was your loud “whispering” and “hushed” jokes. How you were always nearby no matter where he is was still a mystery that he casually ponders about from time to time. Perhaps your natural tendency to project your voice creates the illusion that you were near when you really weren’t?

No matter, such trivial thoughts can’t occupy his mind when college entrance exams loom closer. Then again, they weren’t particularly difficult; they were simply a hassle to secure near-perfect scores, especially when his chances of admittance rely critically on how well he does.

“That’s an awful drawing of a samurai,” Susa comments, snapping Imayoshi out of idle thought.

“Ho? Is it really terrible if you were able to tell what it is?” Imayoshi chuckles. “The point of a drawing is to convey the right idea or emotion. It seems that my drawing skills hit a bulls-eye with this sketch, no?” He playfully spins his pencil around, patiently waiting for his reply to goad him.

All Susa does in response is to roll his eyes before he turns his full attention back to his notes. He knows better than to try a comeback against Imayoshi, who can easily make it backfire against the person with a pleasant close-eyed smile. Imayoshi, seeing Susa’s nonverbal resign from engaging further banter, also looks down back to his book of scribbled notes and chicken-scratch drawings before he exhales an inaudible sigh.

School just doesn’t cut out to be mentally stimulating for him. It’s a little too repetitive and mundane for his taste.

“Argh!! Oh no!” your voice rang out, despite your poor attempt to be reasonably quiet. “I forgot applications for the Coca-Cola scholarship are due today!”

Coca-Cola… what?

Everyone looks up to warily eye you, and your few friends, who are currently rushing to pull you down and slap their hands over your mouth to mute you, were panicking at the new attention you managed to garner. Even still, your mind seems more fixated on whatever was on the laptop’s screen, rather than what they were doing to you.

Imayoshi can’t help but stifle his audible mirth from how you manage to change the mood of the entire library within seconds.

“How do you even forget something as important as a huge scholarship like that?” Susa says in dismay. “Makes me kind of wonder how (l/n) would handle life after graduation, to be honest.”

“Well,” Imayoshi begins. “I wouldn’t worry too much. It’s best not to underestimate (l/n)-san. Surely we’ve learned our lesson with Seirin?” He toys with the pencil grip before he sporadically draws some lines loosely resembling another sketch.

“Drawing again?” Susa raises a brow. “Have you even been studying?”

“Well,” he replies. “There’s still plenty of time before exams—months to be exact. Could you even study with the current distractions in here?” At his own words, he nudges his chin in your direction.

“It’s not just any exams though, it’s—”

“Whether they have more importance or not doesn’t really concern me. After all, standardized testing isn’t worth stressing out for when we’ve taken essentially the same thing all our lives.”

“What most are worried about is the content inside the exams, Imayoshi,” he said, carefully treading into dangerous waters with Imayoshi’s tendency to take all replies as mind-game challenges for his own amusement.

“‘If you have been paying attention consistently throughout the year, you wouldn’t be having much trouble…’ that’s what you once oh-so-wisely said to Wakamatsu yesterday, hmm?” His mimicking tone drips a hint of arrogance. “Unless you mean to tell me my ears do not work? But by all means, please feel free to correct me.”

“That’s different,” he sighed, his face clearly evident that he was done with Imayoshi’s shit. “That exam only tested content for the past year, not your entire academic repertoire over the courses of middle and high school.”

“I’d like to think that the logic still applies the same way.”

“Well,” Susa heaves with a languid stretch. “You generally score better on the exams than me, so you’re probably right. Still, don’t neglect your studying.”

“Right, right, Susa-senpai~”

“... Please don’t call me that again.”

“... If you say so,” he said, but his smile blatantly showed his real intentions of never stopping his irritable quips. Susa gets ready to pack up his book bag before he heads out the door with a friendly wave. Imayoshi half-heartedly returns the gesture with a casual wave of his own. He immediately notices you also packed up and about to leave with a worried frown, and of course, while audibly mumbling your concerns and makeshift schedules to accommodate time for last-minute essay writing. By now, all of your friends have left for home.

“Ah, biology lab due next week, kanji worksheets due tomorrow, hmm, um, how would I finish this on time… ah, calculus test is tomorrow too, ah shit… should I ask someone to tutor?—ah, but it’s super last minute, and there’s still that scholarship… argh, fuck!” Your voice peaked in volume at the end, and the librarian immediately shot daggers at you.

“Shhhhh!”

“A-Ah! S-Sorry, sorry!”

Imayoshi was watching you with his chin on his arm propped up on the desk, unable to control the smile that escaped his lips. You really were entertaining to watch, and you never cease to bore him.

He turns away to crack his neck and roll it around before methodically packing up his writing utensils and notebooks. Soft shuffling filled the air as he rearranged the items inside his bag. As he turns to pack the last thing on the table, which happened to be the notebook filled with his idle doodling, his face slightly softens at the drawing he did after the samurai. Yes, the one Susa chastised him for when he could’ve been studying. Yes, perhaps he was right when he was terrible at drawing after all; your panicked face and wild hand gestures didn’t really translate well into paper, and it looked a little too much like a horror comic and less than a sketch of you. Still, he’s oddly proud of it.

Imayoshi promptly pushes the chair in and leaves the library, but when he rounds the corner of the adjacent hallway, he bumps into you.

“Er—hi! I mean, please, uhhh… if it isn’t too much to ask—canyoupleasetutormeforthecalculustesttomorrowbecausemyfinalgradedependsonthat?”

Imayoshi winces at the sheer volume of your voice and plugs his ears in out of habit to block out some of the decibels. Wakamatsu was eerily similar to you in that regard. Only difference between the two of you was that you were deceptively intelligent. Extremely so.

“My, my, if it isn’t (l/n)-senpai!” He fakes a surprised look, earning him an eye roll on your end. “You need someone like me to teach you the works?”

“I—what? We’re literally in the same calc class, Imayoshi,” you retort. “Besides, drop the ‘senpai’ honorific. It feels so slimy when you say it so disingenuously… Aren’t we both 3rd years too?”

“I’m so hurt,” he mocks. “What if I was really genuine with you?”

“Look, right now, no remarks from you, Evil Glasses,” you say. “It’s really, really urgent and I don’t know how to grasp the material for the class lately, plus my essay, ugh…” You rub your fingers against your temples in an attempt to make the stressful headaches disappear while Imayoshi simply watches with his eyes slightly open.

“... You usually do well on all your exams, no? Unless my eyes and memory fail me.” It was true; even though you were as loud-mouthed as Wakamatsu, you would often shock a lot of people when your name always appeared in the higher percentiles of exam results. Apparently most students and teachers associate your rowdy personality with an expected subpar academic performance. He has you to thank for when your score reports always cause reactions of utter disbelief from the teachers. You really do liven up the school and make it a lot more unorthodox.

“I guess…” you mumble. “But I really wanna do especially well for this one because math is my weakest subject, and you always score the highest for these types of exams, so…”

“It may be my best subject,” he says, leaning slightly closer to your face. “But I’m not the one with the highest scores in any math subjects throughout these years, and we both know that quite well, don’t we, (l/n)? Why don’t you come clean about the real reason why you’re here?”

“Oh my literal fuck—Imayoshi, you’re one of the best students in calc right now regardless of exam results,” you petulantly huffed, not backing down from his intimidation. Imayoshi notes your cheeks reddening, and he figured it was either because of the close proximity between your faces or the fact you were frustrated… perhaps both. “And you’re the only one around here on campus who I could ask!”

“Really now,” he chimes, moving closer to whisper in your ear. “Are you sure?” With incoherent stammers, you backed away from him, slapping your hands against both of your ears to protect them.

“W-W-What the fuck are you doing?!”

“Looks like I won this one, (l/n)-san,” he purrs, relishing the fact that only he could render you this quiet. “Ho? What’s wrong? Cat got your tongue?”

“I—Shut up!” you lamely shoot back. “You can just say no if you really don’t wanna do this—urgh, I’m leaving, I’m not gonna waste any more time—”

“How hurtful,” he dryly remarks, standing up straight again after leaning for a quite a while. “It’s almost as if you’re rejecting me~” He knew you would always take his bait and quip back (unlike Susa), regardless of whether or not you tell him that you weren’t going to engage further.

“As if,” you snorted, making another exaggerated eye roll. “You’re the last person who would ever be hurt from this.”

“Dear me!” he exclaims. “Have you ever considered that perhaps I don’t help out people for free? Did you think I would be a gracious, selfless person who would help you like a saint?”

“Okay, fine! Perhaps I didn’t think that far ahead, okay? You just were the first person that came to mind, and I thought asking you wouldn’t hurt.” His smirk widens almost maliciously at your words, lips already opening to deliver another irritating quip before you immediately spoke again to stop him. “Okay, Imayoshi, you little shit, just shut up—I don’t wanna hear anything from your mouth right now.”

“I don’t see any reason why I should listen to you at all,” he muses. “Why don’t you make me?” He has a shit-eating grin plastered across his face, eagerly eyeing your next move, and as he expected, you let out a frustrated noise that prompted passerby students to shoot pointed looks towards the both of you.

What he didn’t expect was for you to take a huge step towards him, unceremoniously pull him down to your level, and press a reverberating smack on his lips. His eyes are immediately blown wide open to look at your embarrassed, but determined face. His fingers unconsciously move to touch his warmed lips.

“... That was quite romantic, wasn’t it, (l/n)?” he dryly says, recovering almost immediately from the shock. All the other students fled from the blatantly bold scene to save face. Not that Imayoshi really cared.

“Okay, you know what? Bye, I’m not gonna play anymore mind games with you,” you grumble. “Essays and studying aren’t gonna be done by themselves—wah!”

Imayoshi gently tugs you back to reciprocate back a kiss, meticulously slipping his hands behind your head and on your waist to accommodate you. Your eyes are completely open from the shock that the Imayoshi Shoichi was actually kissing you. You don’t close your eyes from the sensation, completely entranced when you make eye contact with his half-lidded eyes watching your every reaction closely. The kiss ended all too soon, and Imayoshi separates himself from you, secretly admiring your dazed look.

“That was quite a strong reaction to just a simple kiss.”

“I—that was not just a ‘simple kiss!’”

“Now would you like to tell me the true reason why you approached me?”

“You’re… insinuating that you know something.”

“Well we wouldn’t know unless you come clean,” Imayoshi purrs. “I can sometimes be wrong too.”

“Ugh, what the hell—fine, I am quite enamored by you, and uh, I… find it infuriating to be with you, but it also gives me butterflies… so I thought I could be with you more… if I asked you—don’t get it twisted, though! I still need your help to study!...” He covers his mouth to suppress a laugh at your honesty.

“Was it really so hard to say that in the beginning, (l/n)-san?”

“Okay, that’s it! I’m really, really leaving! Fuck off, Imayoshi, I swear to—”

“Ho? Just a minute, darling~” he tuts, reaching to hold your hand. “Perhaps if you offer more kisses as an incentive, I’d be more inclined to offer my expertise.”

“How quaint,” you dryly reply. “It’s almost as if we’re in a relationship.”

Imayoshi can’t help but bark out a genuine laugh. You even managed to pick up some of his mannerisms so quickly.

“That’s an interesting proposal, (l/n),” he murmurs. “Should we try that?” You tut at him irritatedly as you tug your interlocked hands while speed-walking ahead.

“Hurry up, or I’ll consider breaking up with you right now.”

“Ah ha!~” he chuckles at your attitude. “How mean, (l/n)-san! Too bad that we both know that’s not going to happen anytime soon.”

[thewhitefluffyhat]

Bernkastel’s Umineko Origins

What is this guide?

<< Previous (Bernkastel)

(Profile continued) “In theory, she holds the strongest power of any witch, but in practice, that is no more realistic than saying a piece of paper can reach the moon if you fold it a hundred times. And fold it a hundred times she did.”

Since “Gou is a Bernkastel origin story” is quite a widespread theory, I figured it might be useful to compile every single piece of information Umineko gives about Bernkastel’s past in one place.

This is meant as more of a comprehensive reference post, so if you’re not interested in that theory, feel free to skip this section! 

Next (Lambdadelta) >>

[Also, spoiler warning for part of one character’s plotline from Umineko Episode 4/Alliance in here.]

From Umineko Episode 2/Turn:

Bern was probably once (a) Rika. Hard to get more definitive than using Rika’s catch phrase in the ??? Tea Party.

Bernkastel: “...Umm, in times like this, what did I used to say again? ……...Umm, uh, ……...Fi-Fight o~n. Mii, nipah~☆ ...It's so embarrassing, doing this. I've done this much for you, so quickly stand back up.”

Bern is a witch born from being trapped in a game against Lambda.

Bernkastel: “You are now just like I was in the past, when I was imprisoned inside Lambda's world. Shut inside a labyrinth of cruel fate, tormented by a witch, in a manner of speaking. I am a witch who was born from there. So maybe I'm like an older sister to you. So I decided that I'd lend you my power.”

The last time Bern and Lambda played against each other, Bern won by using pieces that started in their most powerful state.

Lambdadelta: “…...W-well, last time, I felt just a little pity and said that she could start her pieces anywhere she wants, and then that idiot Bern totally didn’t pick up on compassion and started with aaall of her pawns promoted on the eighth rank!!”

(Source: https://lparchive.org/Umineko-no-Naku-Koro-ni/Update%2062/)

From Umineko Episode 4/Alliance:

According to Lambda, Bern has experienced being denied a happy ending herself due to being a witch’s piece, rather than the one who actually experienced the ending she found.

Lambdadelta: “You aren't Ushiromiya Ange. You're a witch's piece with that name. Strictly speaking, the name ANGE Beatrice belongs to a completely different person. Know what that means?"

Ange: “I’m... starting to think I don’t…… ...Huh? Huh? Who... am I? Huh?”

Lambdadelta: “...And thaaat's why I think Bern's cruel. No, I think she's a meanie. Especially since it's not like she hasn't gone through the same thing herself."

Ange: "...Am I... being tricked... somehow...?"

Lambdadelta: "Yeah, but please don't blame Bern, okay? After all, depending on how you look at it, that kid isn't lying. If Beato is defeated, your family will be returned. Returned to Ushiromiya Ange. But she probably didn't say that this Ushiromiya Ange would be you, right...?"

(Source: https://lparchive.org/Umineko-no-Naku-Koro-ni/Update%20116/)

From Umineko Episode 6/Dawn:

Bern was once a human piece, but after being abandoned by an unnamed Game Master (implied in the manga to be Hanyuu), she became a witch by solving a logic error in place of that Game Master.

Erika: "...My master was also... a witch's piece?"

Lambdadelta: "Yes. That kid's master... was another bad one. Though she created the game herself, partway through, she lost sight of what her goal was. She ended up creating something like a broken game of backgammon, where the start and goal were connected like a donut."

Erika: "What do you mean, she lost her goal...?"

Lambdadelta: “I'm talking about a logic error. In her backgammon game, she was unable to draw up a line of logic describing how to reach the goal she desired. So, the game remained broken, with no goal at all."

“...In that case, she should have quieted down and thought of an answer herself. Instead, she despicably left even the thinking entirely to her piece, Bern.”

[insert long metaphor involving cats, monkeys, and typewriters]

Lambdadelta: “If she wasn't a witch... no, if she hadn't been able to become a witch, she would probably still be a black cat strapped to that typewriter for eternity. That child was blessed by a miracle, succeeded in typing out a 'miracle', became a witch, and returned from that hell alive.”

“That hell was so long and harsh... that her mind was completely broken. That's why she became such a mean and heartless witch.”

(Source: https://lparchive.org/Umineko-no-Naku-Koro-ni-Chiru/Update%2065/)

At some point prior to Umineko, Bern was Featherine’s longest-serving miko, trained by her to tear out the “guts” of stories.

Featherine: "...A cat who has learned to eat meat and choose its own path. It has been a long time..."

Bernkastel: "It's a path I'd never have to have noticed if you hadn't told me. You're the monster who taught me the taste of flesh. So, you've come back to life. Featherine Auaurora..."

Featherine: "...Augustus Aurora... You never learn no matter how often I tell you that…”

“...Very well. Even that brings back fond memories... I have heard the rumors... It seems you have taken the name Bernkastel, Witch of Miracles, and have been playing a far from praiseworthy Fragment game..."

Bernkastel: "I'm just imitating you. Though I could hardly match up to your level. If the rumors you've heard about me are bad, that applies a hundredfold to you."

Bernkastel sat unreservedly in an antique chair, as though she was already familiar with the place.

Featherine: "...What are you afraid of? I am merely celebrating my reunion with my longest-serving miko so far... Did you really find my messenger cat so displeasing?"

(Source: https://lparchive.org/Umineko-no-Naku-Koro-ni-Chiru/Update%2075/)

From Umineko Episode 8/Twilight:

An alternate explanation for Bern’s origins: she was Featherine’s pet cat who revived her master.

“Featherine Augustus Aurora. …...The legendary Great Witch. It is said that she surpassed the level of witches, becoming a Creator, and that, upon reaching this forbidden plane, she was cursed with a deadly ailment. However, in life, she once turned her pet cat into a witch. They say that this second witch wanders the sea of Fragments endlessly, searching for any Fragment that can revive her master from the pits of death called boredom, if even for a moment. And so, the cat revived her master. Revived the sacred witch who had reached heights none should reach…”

(Source: https://lparchive.org/Umineko-no-Naku-Koro-ni-Chiru/Update%20156/)

There’s also this little tidbit from Last Note of the Golden Witch, where Bern outright says she was once in “Higurashi.” That being said, in context she’s referring to the “All Cast Review Sessions” from the Higurashi VN, so… unless you also consider those to be canon, I wouldn’t advise thinking too hard about this. (See the section on Lambdadelta for another good example of this kind of reference.)

(Source: https://youtu.be/ZoIEID02sxI?t=7890)

.

...And that’s it. So, the question is, what was the game that Bern was trapped in?

It’s possible (and before Gou, not uncommon) to interpret all of these scattered bits of information as references to the original Higurashi. In that configuration, perhaps Higurashi was a game where Featherine/Hanyuu was a Game Master playing against Lambda, with Lambda using Takano as her piece. Rika/Bern won that game in Hanyuu’s place by manifesting a miracle, defeating Lambda and ascending as a witch after Saikoroshi (which then denied her Rika’s happy ending).

But now with Gou in the mix, it looks like the fandom’s long-held assumptions may be due for some reexamination...

Next (Lambdadelta) >>

[a-lockman5]

Lucky Love {Devi x Paxton}

A/N: Another request! More Devi and Paxton being adorable! I made a lot of jumps in this one and changed POV, so hopefully it is not too confusing. There was a lot of time together, and I really liked the pieces so I didn’t want to let them go, but also I would have written an entire novel of filler if I didn’t make time jumps. So  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

Hope you enjoy!

Summary: Paxton doesn’t know what it is, but the more present Devi was in his life, the better things seem to be for him. 

Warnings: Fluff.. that’s about it 

Requests are closed at this time as I’m already like 4 behind (you guys are awesome!), but ask is open.

MASTERLIST

“Oh, hey, umm, I’m in your neighborhood. Thought maybe we could hang out, but uh, it seems like you’re busy, so… Uh… Anyway, you can give me a call or text. Whatever… Okay.”

The first time Devi listened to Paxton’s voicemail, she saved it, but told herself she wouldn’t listen to it again. She was with her mom and Kamala on their way home from Malibu. She’d just kissed Ben Gross, and Kamala, thankfully, distracted her mom long enough that Nalini was none the wiser. Devi’s mother wasn’t the reason she wouldn’t listen to the voicemail again though, Ben was. She just had the most amazing moment topped by the most amazing kiss with Ben freaking Gross. She could hardly believe it herself, but she wasn’t going to taint that by listening to a voicemail from another guy.

“Oh, hey, umm, I’m in your neighborhood…”

The second time she listened to Paxton’s voice crackle across the line, was when she was lying in bed trying to fall asleep. It was the same day that she promised herself she wouldn’t listen to it ever again. She lasted six hours, and honestly, she was proud of that. It was five and a half hours longer than she thought she would last. He sounded vague and detached, and she knew that. Ben was expressive and he wore all his emotions on his face. Why would she throw away such a great moment with Ben to listen Paxton ask her to hangout or whatever? Logically, it didn’t make any sense. She just needed to think about Ben and fall asleep.

“…Thought maybe we could hang out, but…”

The third time Paxton’s voicemail reached her ears was after she’d sat bolt right up in bed from a weird (not entirely bad) dream. Paxton and Ben were fighting over her. Not like fighting in the cafeteria though, no. Instead, it was a medieval joust, with horses and swords and giant sticks, and an amazingly detailed crown for her to wear. In the dream, she thought she gave Ben her favor, but after Paxton knocked him off his horse, he magically had her favor instead. She was so thrilled for his victory mid-dream that she didn’t question it. Then to top it all off, they kissed… again! Except, it was a dream this time, but it reminded her of the real time, and… well shit.

*Can we talk?* she sent the text without another thought.

*Yeah. On the phone?*

*In person. I’ll meet you at school?*

*Sounds good.*

“… uh, seems like you’re busy, so… Uh…”

The fourth time she listened to the voicemail Paxton left nine hours earlier, she hung up before it finished as the very person she dragged out of bed was getting out of a town car. He walked over with a bag full of Devi’s things, smiling sheepishly. When he reached her, she graciously took the bag from him and met his eye for the first time since they’d kissed. Almost instantly, she saw his face fall.

“You didn’t mean it, did you?”

“What? No, it’s not like that. I” –

“It’s okay, I get it. It was a big moment, you were emotional. It’s no big deal,” Ben told her.

“It was a big deal… and I really appreciate everything you’ve done for me the last couple weeks. I think I was just swept up in the moment or some other Hollywood cliché… I should have found a better way to say thank you.”

“I’m glad you told me. I care about you, I think you know that,” he nodded. “Nothin’ hurt.”

“You’re not mad?”

He sighed. “Can’t be mad at you for being honest. Now, if you make it weird and blow me off at school when we just started becoming friendly rivals, I’ll be mad. Friends?” he asked sticking his hand out.

“Friends,” she met him for a handshake. “Thanks, Gross.”

“Anyway, you can give me a call or text. Whatever… Okay.”

The fifth time she listened to Paxton’s voicemail, she recognized every nuance in his voice that slipped past her the previous listens. He was vulnerable. He came to her house to ask her to hangout even though the last time he came to her house, her mom called him an idiot. He was trying to sound aloof, but she could tell he was scared. Scared of what? Her mom? Or was he scared of her?

She didn’t want to waste another second waiting to find out so, at 9:30AM she found herself riding a scooter to the Hall-Yoshida residence. When she got there, she was about to knock at the door when Rebecca and her parents opened it, fully dressed. It looked like they were leaving.

“Devi?” Rebecca greeted quizzically. “What are you doing here?”

“Hey, Becca, Mr. and Mrs. Hall-Yoshida. Is Paxton here?”

Rebecca’s expression changed into a wide grin before she answered. “No, he has a swim meet this morning and is already at the pool. That’s where we’re going. Want to come?”

“Uh…” Devi hesitated, taking that moment to realize she didn’t even change out of her pajama pants which were adorned with several pink frosted donuts. “You know what, Becca? I will see you there. I’m going change into something a little…”

“Less pathetic?” she finished, as her parents stepped by them. Devi was sure she heard Mr. Hall-Yoshida snort in laughter at his daughter’s sass.

“Assessment noted. See you in a bit!” Devi called over her shoulder as she retreated to her scooter.

As soon as she got home again, she ran up to her room. Hair curly and half up? Done. Makeup? Applied. Red glitter on cheeks? Lightly brushed. Cricket stickers in place of eye black? Nailed it. Red knee-high socks? Donned. And the final touch – a white Sherman Oaks High School Crickets t-shirt cut into a cut-off and worn over her red tank top with denim shorts. She looked like a real-life superfan. Unfortunately, after perfecting her appearance, Devi realized she was late for the meet.

The next thing Devi realized was, while you always see people dressing up for football games, no one does that for swim meets. At least, not at Sherman Oaks High. Sure, there was plenty of red and white spirit wear, but nothing quite like what Devi had done. As she stood at the entrance to the aquatic center, Devi thought to run straight back home before anyone realized she was there. Besides, was a grand romantic gesture really what Paxton’s voicemail called for? It’s not like he poured his soul out to her. One could argue, he didn’t put himself out there at all. At most, he extended an olive branch after blowing her off before. Yep, sending him a text later today was a much better alternative to the embarrassment she was inevitably racing toward the longer she stood there. Devi turned on her heel, and immediately found herself face to face with Rebecca who held a mountain dew and an orange Gatorade.

“Devi!” she brightened up immediately, before taking in her outfit. “You look great!”

“Really?” If Rebecca was complimenting her outfit, then maybe she was wrong. Maybe she was just a trendsetter.

“I mean, it’s a little cringey for a swim meet, but it’s a look for sure,” she elaborated. After her shrewd assessment of Devi’s clothing choices for the second time that day, Rebecca’s eyes lit up. “Oh, will you take this to Paxton?”

“Me? I don’t know. I don’t think I” –

“Yes, you have to! He sucked in his first event, and he needs a boost,” she told her, thrusting the sports drink into Devi’s hands. “Look he’s right over there with Eddie waiting for their next race.”

Okay, Devi, deep breath. Own it. She told herself. With her thoughts racing, Devi attempted to strut toward the side opposite end of the pool where Paxton sat talking with Eddie Tan. As she got closer, she worried about stumbling in her steps, or tripping over a swim block. That fear was, of course, ridiculous because all the blocks were at the end of the pool, and she was walking down the side. No, this time she was not going to be clumsy. She was a different woman now. She’d kissed two boys in the last two weeks – she was a GD siren.

“Devi?”

“Paxton, hey,” his voice broke her from her internal monologue. She advanced the last few paces, as he stood to meet her.  “Becca asked me to bring you this.”

“Thanks,” he breathed in a smile.

“Hey, are we finally getting cheerleaders?” Eddie asked, coming up beside Paxton. “You look fire.”

Devi’s smile grew tenfold. “Thanks, Eddie, but no, not a cheerleader. Just trying to be supportive,” she grinned looking at Paxton.

“Dope,” Eddie nodded, before being called away by their coach.

“Thanks for this,” Paxton told her as he uncapped the Gatorade and took a sip. “Hey, you know I came by your place yesterday?”

“Yeah, I know. I came by yours this morning. You were already gone.”

He nodded with a small smile. “Cool. Well, I better get back. My next event should be up soon.”

“Cool.”

***

Paxton took another gulp of the Gatorade as he watched Devi’s retreating form. She heard his voicemail, and now she was at his swim meet looking like she wanted him to give her his jersey. If he had one to give her, she’d be wearing it. He was nervous when he never heard from her yesterday, and if he was honest, he slept poorly because of it. He felt tired when he got to the pool this morning, and it showed during his backstroke race. Eddie was trying to get him out of his own head when Devi showed up.

“Yoshida!” Coach Bryant called down to him. “You’re up next for breaststroke. You good?”

“Yeah, coach,” he replied, capping his drink. “Good to go.”

After putting his earplugs in, pulling his goggles on, and securing his swim cap. Paxton was waiting behind his block for the previous heat to end. Five deep breaths, and he would be ready to go. 5…..4….3…2.. –

“Woo! Paxton!” he heard a cheer from the stands. When he looked up, he saw his favorite nerd in the bleachers, standing with his mom and sister. They started in on a rehearsed chant, each one yelling a different letter of his initials. “P! H! Y! – P! H! Y!”

He couldn’t fight the smile from his face as he stepped up to his block. Devi came to his house this morning. She dressed up for his swim meet today. She was sitting with his family, and they were enjoying her.

When the starting gun sounded, Paxton dove into the water. It was effortless – such a stark contrast from his previous race. He couldn’t even describe how he was gliding through the water. If he didn’t know any better, he would think Rebecca spiked his Gatorade. Before he knew it, he was finished.

Coach Bryant hoisted him out of the pool by one arm as people cheered all around him. “That’s a PR, kid! 58.8!”

Paxton pulled his cap and goggles off just before his coach wrapped him in a bruising hug. A moment later, he was thrust back, and Bryant landed a sound clap on his back. “I don’t know what changed between your first race and now, but don’t change a thing. Got me?”

Paxton’s eyes flickered over to Devi in the stands, she was beaming right back at him. “Got it, Coach.”

***

“Paxton, you were amazing!” Rebecca told him when he came out of the locker room.

“That breaststroke was Olympic qualifying time, kiddo,” his dad wrapped him in a one-arm hug, “at nearly 17! You keep that up, we’re going to be watching you win gold medals.”

His mom put an arm around Devi’s shoulders with a sly smile. “Well, if you ask me, I think Paxton had a good luck charm.”

“Oh, no,” Devi shook her head with a smile as her cheeks reddened. “I didn’t do anything.”

“I know one thing,” Mrs. Hall-Yoshida continued, “we would be happy for you to ride with us to Paxton’s meet on Tuesday.”

“Mom’s right, we can’t take any chances. As long as you’re free, Devi, we’d love to have you,” his dad nodded.

Paxton gave Devi a lopsided grin. “Come on, I’ll give you a ride home.”

“You were amazing. I mean, I’ve seen you swim before, but you were just so fast today. Becca said you struggled in your first race, but you looked fine to me,” Devi rambled as they climbed into the jeep, “better than fine. And what your dad said about the Olympics! Do you think you’ll try to qualify for 2024?”

He huffed out a smile. Her mind moved so quickly her mouth could barely keep up, and it always left him speechless. It embarrassed her, but it just reminded him of how smart she really was. “I don’t know.”

“Aren’t you excited? How are you so chill about this?”

He shrugged. “I just swam. I didn’t even try; I don’t know how to explain it.”

“Wow, you should not try more often,” she smiled.

Actually, he was planning to try a lot harder than he ever had before. “You want to get some food?”

Her smiled widened. “Sure.”

“Cool.”

They drove on for few minutes in silence, and he noticed Devi tapping furiously on her phone screen. For a moment, he wondered who she might be texting, but then he remembered.

“I’m guessing your mom doesn’t know where you are?”

“Yeah, she’s freaking out,” she scoffed before her eyes widened in alarm. “No, not because I’m with you! Just – I left this morning before she woke up. I’m just letting her know I went to the swim meet and that I’m going to Fabiola’s to study for history at 4:00.”

“Conveniently leaving out what you’re doing right now,” he pointed out.

He glanced over, and she drew her bottom lip between her teeth while she stared out at the road. Paxton could almost hear her thoughts pinballing in her head as she figured out what to say to him. Should he tell her how much her mother’s disapproval – no, that’s not quite right – her disdain for him, hurt his feelings? Well, not in those words certainly. Hurt his feelings? Yeah, right.

“I should tell you, I’m sorry,” she finally said, as they swung into the parking lot of a local burger joint. “I should have stuck up for you when you came to my house after Ben’s party.”

“You did,” he shrugged. “We’re cool.”

She shook her head. “I stuck up for me. I should have warned you about how she is with boys. To be fair, I don’t have a lot of experience yet myself, but I did know that she reminds me constantly, I can’t have a boyfriend until I’m old enough to rent a car. I knew that she would freak out if she knew I kissed you, but you didn’t.”

“It’s really okay. Not the first girl’s mom to not like me,” he grinned. It wasn’t true. He’d won over the mother of every other girl he’d gone out with. Some of them made him uncomfortable like Mrs. Harrison, but others just found him charming. Devi didn’t need to feel bad about it though. It’s not like she said those things, and like she said, it didn’t even have to do with him really. “Can we go in?”

She supplied a weak grin in return but nodded. Just as they were going to get out, it started raining. He watched his companion deflate as she watched the big raindrops plop on the windshield. Paxton grabbed around the backseat for his extra jacket, handing it to her once he had it. “Here, it’ll keep you dry.”

She nodded with a suppressed smile, pulling it on and putting the hood up. Without another word, they slid out of the vehicle and jogged into the restaurant. While they waited to be seated, Paxton turned to Devi. He noticed her shiver and clutch his jacket tighter around her. Between the downpour outside and the cranked AC inside, she was probably freezing. Without thinking, he placed a hand on each of her shoulders, rubbing them furiously in attempt to help warm her up.

“Thanks, but aren’t you cold?” she asked, subconsciously leaning into his touch. “You didn’t even put your hood up.”

“Me?” he replied with a devilish smirk. “Nah, I spent the whole morning in a pool. Besides, my hair was already wet,” he told her, shaking his head so drops of water showered her lightly. When a delighted laugh was her response, he smiled victoriously. He didn’t have to be smooth or suave with Devi. She liked him when he was raw, genuine, and dorky. If he was honest, it was a relief – no stress of trying to impress her because she already liked the real him.

He needed to tell her how he felt. Wasn’t that the whole point of going to her house yesterday? He wanted her to know that he liked her, that he was glad they kissed, that he didn’t care if her mom thought he was stupid. He liked her. They sat opposite each other in a booth after ordering their food. She hadn’t said a word since they sat down, but neither had he. The tension between them was running high as Paxton realized this was the first time things really felt like a date. In hopes of making their first date official, he reached across the table and covered her hand with his. Her eyes zeroed in on the action and grew wide. If she thought she was surprised now, just wait until she heard what Paxton was about to say.

“I kissed Ben!” Devi blurted.

Paxton’s head drooped as his brow furrowed in disbelief. “What? When?”

“Yesterday.”

He looked away from her as his hand dropped to his side. His face screwed up as he tried to process the information she gave him – mouth opening and closing as he fought to think of something to say. After a deep sigh, he hung his head until rubbing his face briskly with one hand. Finally, he made eye contact with her again. “So what? You guys together now or something?”

“No, it didn’t mean anything. I just – okay so yesterday, I almost missed spreading my dad’s ashes because I’ve been in a huge fight with my mom and ran away from home since the day after Ben’s party. My mom and cousin were in Malibu, and I wasn’t going to make it in time. Ben drove me all the way there, and I made it. And I made up with my mom. And we spread Dad’s ashes together, and I just got to really remember him. I got to remember him without it coming up at an inconvenient moment, without trying to push the memories away,” her eyes filled with tears. “I got to remember him with my mom, and I’ve been so unfair to her because she lost him too, and… and Ben was still there after we left the beach. He was still there waiting for me. And things have just been so hard, I’ve felt so abandoned and alone, and I probably would have kissed that little weasel Russia from model UN if he’d been there – I know you don’t know who that is, but the point is, the kiss wasn’t about Ben. I would have kissed anyone if they were there for me in that moment. I…” she trailed off, tears escaping and sweeping down her face. “I’m sorry.”

Paxton’s chest felt tight as he watched cry silently. His body moved of its own accord, carrying him over to her side of the booth and wrapping her in his arms. He pressed her head against his chest, before hushing her gently. “It’s okay… shh… I got you… you’re okay.” Tucking her head under his chin, he rested against her until he felt her body start to relax too. He scooted away when she started to pull her head up.

“Aren’t you mad at me?” she sniffled before chewing on her bottom lip.

“For what? Devi, if I hadn’t blown you off at school, I would have been the one in Malibu with you,” he told her. “You’ve been through a lot, and I’m done dumping on you. It’s not fair.”

She nodded with a weak smile. “Thank you,” she whispered.

He smiled back and slid back out to take his seat across from her again. “Can I tell you what I think?” he asked, waiting for her nod to continue. “If you really would have kissed anyone in that moment, and I believe you when you say you would have, then it doesn’t sound like you’re ready to have a boyfriend right now,” he watched her hang her head at his words. “Hey, this isn’t me telling you that I don’t like you. It’s the opposite of that. I like you. I like you a lot actually.”

“You do?” she asked perplexed, brow furrowing in a way that made him want to kiss her.

“Yeah, I do. That’s why I went to your house yesterday, but, Devi, I don’t want to date you if you’re not ready for that…”

Her voice was barely above a whisper as their food was placed on the table. “Yeah, that’s fair.”

Paxton thanked their server before turning his attention back to the girl across from him. She looked broken again. The only other time he’d ever seen her look that way was after Gross’s party. After her friends walked out on her. “Devi, I’m not going anywhere. I just want to be your friend while you figure stuff out. If we end up dating, I want you to be sure it’s what you want – not something to distract you from your problems.”

Things were silent between them for a few moments as they started in on their meals. Paxton glanced at her, and she was eating – he was glad of that – but she was still kind of sulking. An idea sparked in him as he tapped her foot under the table. “Hey,” he smiled. “You know what I could really use?”

“What?”

“Some help studying for the history test.”

“Well, I’m supposed to at Fabiola’s in forty-five minutes,” she reminded him.

“Right… do you think your friends would mind if I came along?”

For the first time since they sat down, Devi smiled.

***

“I got a B?” Paxton gaped at his own history test.

“A job well done, Mr. H – Y,” Mr. Shapiro nodded as he continued passing tests back.

“Dude!” Trent exclaimed, fist bumping Paxton. “You get a tutor?”

“I got three,” Paxton smiled, turning around to look at Devi. She was already smiling at him. “I couldn’t have done this without you.”

“I know,” she teased. “Seriously though, you did the work. I’m happy for you.”

“My mom was on to something, you know?”

“What are you talking about?”

“You’re my good luck charm. I stick with you, you’re gonna get me on the Stanford swim team.”

And she did. After that history test, Devi started unofficially tutoring him in all his classes. She was officially tutoring him as far as her mom was concerned, and therefore, it was a job, not her hanging out with a boy. They studied at the library, at either family’s dining tables or at Eleanor or Fabiola’s. The last time they had studied at Devi’s, her mom invited him to stay for dinner. If that wasn’t enough, she actually conversed with him about how much she had heard about his swimming career. Apparently, Coach Bryant’s wife worked at her Dr. Vishwakumar’s dermatology practice. It felt like a big victory to Paxton. A comparable victory was Devi’s help in preparing him for the SATs and a resulting 1300 score. He couldn’t believe how much things had turned around for him academically, but with Devi’s help and support, he felt unstoppable.

He ended up with a scholarship that covered 75% of his school fees to join the swim team, and his parents could not have been prouder. He wasn’t crazy about being five and a half hours from home, but he was thrilled, shocked even, to have gained admission to such a prestigious school. He knew that things were going to be challenging but was grateful when his new coach told him they had a team tutor. Devi suggested making sure he had a strong relationship with the tutor. As a collegiate athlete, he’d have a lot of pressure on him both in the pool and in the classroom.

“You’re smart though,” she told him as she helped him pack before move-in day. “Your SAT score shows that. Don’t second guess yourself, and don’t let people think you’re just a pretty face.”

Paxton smirked. Even after everything they’d been through, she wasn’t afraid to admit physical attraction. They never started dating after that conversation about making sure she was ready, but he’d be lying if he said he didn’t want to. All he’d learned in the last two years was, Devi was far more special than he’d realized when their friendship began. Watching her heal after her father’s death and blossom into the woman he saw now was beautiful, and Paxton was just thankful to have a front row seat. Hearing her stories about Mohan and seeing how much she shared with her father made his heart swell, and he never missed an opportunity to tell her, her dad sounded a lot like her. He loved the smile she’d give him when he did too.

“I’m gonna miss you, Vishwakumar,” he murmured, pulling her close.

“Stop acting like you’re going off to war; it’s 2021. You can facetime me whenever you want,” she replied into his shoulder. She tried to pull away but stopped when his hold tightened.

“I’m going to hold you to that.”

“I’m counting on it.”

***

“Mom, come on, this is the only school I’m going to see without you.”

“Yes, khanna, I know this. That is why you must be prepared,” Devi’s mother responded, pages of her questions pouring out of the printer.

“I’ve gone on three other visits with you, mom, I know what to ask. And you’re going to ask the admissions office again if I decide this is what I want.”

“I do not know why you are even visiting this school. You are to go to an ivy league school.”

Devi groaned. “Mom, they have the number two law program in the country. They are every bit as prestigious as any of the ivy leagues and you know it.”

“Yes… and you are certain you want to be a lawyer?”

“I’m certain I have plenty of experience with fact-based arguments,” Devi smirked.

Her mom glared playfully at her. “They are usually riddled with emotion in my memory.”

“Part of the charm,” she smiled back. “It would be nice to be closer to you too, Mom.”

Her gaze softened before pulling Devi tight to her chest. “Just be safe, sweetie. I love you. I will see you on Monday.”

Sherman Oaks had two weekends per school year for upperclassmen where they were invited to take a long weekend for a college visit. Devi, Eleanor, and Fabiola decided to take this opportunity to visit the one school all three of them planned to apply to. Devi’s mom had taken a great deal of convincing, but in the last two years the relationship between Devi and Nalini had remarkably improved. They’d gone to therapy sessions together to process Mohan’s death – they learned how to be more open and sympathetic to each other along the way. They still argued. Nalini still had high expectations for Devi, but they never doubted that they loved each other. And Nalini’s trust in Devi had flourished as a result. Thank goodness, otherwise she never would have gotten the opportunity for an unsupervised college visit with her best friends.

Did they listen to way too many showtunes on the drive up for Devi’s taste? Yes. Yes, they did. Had Fabiola developed a weird taste for country music? Yes, she had. Thankfully, when a road trip is five and a half hours long, everyone gets a shot at picking the music. With plenty of snacks to go around, they were set for a great weekend.

Once arriving on campus, they congregated with other prospective students at the student union for the beginning of their visit. After a quick tour of the union, their next stop was housing and where they would be staying for the weekend. After housing, they toured the Cantor Arts Center, SLAC, Bing Concert Hall, and so many other destinations that it made Devi’s head spin. When they broke for the day, all three girls were happy to go rest in their room.

“Wow, this campus is like its own city,” Devi collapsed on a bed.

“You’re telling me! They have five different venues for their performing arts,” Eleanor gushed.

“And the number one engineering school in the state,” Fabiola agreed, “in one the most progressive areas in the country.”

After a few minutes of tired but enthralled conversation about the different things they liked about campus, the girls fell silent, all lying perpendicularly across the same twin bed. Devi was close to dozing off when Eleanor shifted beside her.

“So… have you told you know who that we’re here?”

Devi tried to suppress her smile. “No, I figured I would surprise him tomorrow after his meet.”

“Has he called yet?” Fabiola smiled.

Paxton and Devi had maintained a strong friendship through the recent months of his first semester and swim season at Stanford University. He facetimed her the night before every meet because “it’s the closest he could get to having his good luck charm with him.” She often told him, he was silly, but man, if she didn’t love every second of it.

“Nope, but he better hurry, otherwise I’ll be asleep,” she joked.

“Do you think he’ll recognize the dorms?” Fabiola asked.

“Good point…”

***

“What’s up, Pax? You seem tense,” Michael asked, tugging one of Paxton’s earbuds out.

“I don’t know,” he shrugged. “It’s stupid, just some superstition.”

“Didn’t talk to your girlfriend last night?” his friend smirked, tossing an arm over his shoulder to stretch.

Paxton smiled despite himself. “Shut up, man. She’s not my girlfriend.”

“You made her your woman-crush-Wednesday last week, and I didn’t even think people did that anymore.”

“Dude, whatever. She’s my best friend, and she’s the reason I’m here,” he shook his head as they both continued to stretch through their conversation.

It was true after all, at least in his opinion. If Devi had never approached him at the beginning of his junior year, his future may never have looked like this. She had mentioned before he moved up here, he could facetime her whenever he wanted. He systematically took advantage of that. Rationally, he knew that Devi could not affect how he swam. However, the more present Devi was in his life – the better things seem to be for Paxton, so he talked to her the night before every swim meet.  Did it have to be deeper than that?

Of course, it did. Paxton had never let go of his feelings for Devi. In fact, they only grew. She’d changed him into a completely different person with her friendship. Or did she just let him be himself? Yeah, that’s what she did. Devi saw him more acutely than anyone else he’d ever met… and she liked him. He wanted to be better, smarter, more motivated because she believed he could be. It made him believe it too. Did her not picking up his call last night change any of that? Absolutely not, he knew that. Did it make him feel like something was missing, just like if he didn’t get to listen to his music during warmups? Yes. Yes, it did.

“Huh… maybe you’re the reason she’s here.”

Paxton’s brow furrowed at Michael, before the latter nodded over Paxton’s shoulder. Paxton turned, and there she was, just like that first meet when everything changed. She had her red knee-high socks, her Stanford t-shirt and her denim shorts. Eye black under her eyes, and he couldn’t tell for sure, but he suspected the vertical lines would prove to be redwood trees. He wasn’t sure when the smile spread across his face, but his cheeks were already hurting from how happy he was to see her there.

Fabiola and Eleanor were with her, dressed similarly, and it was Eleanor that saw him first. She waved happily with one hand while nudging Devi and pointing toward him with the other. Devi beamed at him with the biggest smile he’d ever seen her wear. He wanted to wave. Hell, he wanted to run over to them, and wrap Devi in his arms. He wanted her to know how much having her there meant to him. He didn’t do any of those things though. He was stuck in his own shock and his body felt warm everywhere, so he just smiled at her and didn’t stop until Michael finally nudged him again.

“Get movin man, you gotta be in the pool soon,” he said with a laugh. “Don’t want to tear a muscle in front of your girl.”

Paxton rolled his eyes, shoving Michael’s shoulder good-naturedly before returning to his stretches.

When it was time for him to assume his starting position in the pool for the backstroke, Paxton followed his same routine – five deep breaths. 5…..4….3…2.. –

“P! H! Y!”

Just like almost every meet for the last two years of high school, he could hear his initials being chanted. And just like all those other meets, he knew Devi was the one that started it. It tapered off quickly while the starter waited to give his command, but it took effect.

When the starting gun sounded, Paxton had an out of body experience. It was like magic how easily he glided through the water. Somehow the race felt faster than the few seconds it took for them to start. When he brought his head fully out of the water, he could hear the raucous, thunderous cheering. He saw his time flash across the board: 51.8. A world record. A world record.

The rest of the meet was a daze. His other events were good, but not world record good. His teammates were congratulating him and talking about the parties they would be throwing for him – away from the coaching staff, of course. That all was great, but Paxton only had one thing on his mind, one person really. As soon as coach had dismissed him and he had his sweats donned, he was out the door.

People were shaking his hand. Smiling at him. Pulling him into hugs. Some were friends, classmates, teachers. Some were strangers. Paxton offered polite smiles and thanks as he continued to push past them. She was lingering toward the back, leaning against a wall with her friends talking about something on Instagram. When he finally made it to where no one stood between them, she was still probably eight feet away, and he froze. In that moment, he took all the little things he loved about her all at once. Her beauty, her intelligence, her faith in him, the way she reached inside him and pulled his walls down, the way she laughed at his jokes, and even then how she pretended to bored and look casual, but was chewing her bottom lip, his favorite sign that she was excited and nervous to see him again.

“My girl,” he breathed out, just loud enough to catch her attention.

Her eyes lit up when she saw him, and they both closed the distance between them. He wrapped her in a soul-crushing hug. Anyone around them might think it had been years since they’d seen each other instead of the few short months. He pulled away just enough to lean in for the one thing that had been on his mind all day – but then he stopped short.

“You didn’t kiss anybody yesterday, did you?” he asked.

She shook her head ‘no,�� as her cheeks took on a pink hue.

“Good. You think you’re ready for a boyfriend?”

She grinned with a small nod.

He matched her grin with a toothy smile. “Cool,” and he dove in. Finally, after two long years of not feeling Devi Vishwakumar’s lips against his, there he was kissing her, and boy, was it worth the wait. One hand cradled her jaw, the other clutching her back, holding her close as though if he let go, she’d disappear. He couldn’t even begin to describe how the actual kiss felt. Instead, he was so caught up in the monumental fact that is was finally happening. There was no one else – no Ben Gross to get in their way. She’d grown so much over the last two years, and so had he. She was ready. They were ready.

“Wait,” he pulled away. “Just to be clear, you are ready for me to be your boyfriend, right?”

She smiled, rolling her eyes, and pushing him away playfully. “Yes, dork.”

It was then he heard the cheers coming from their friends. Behind Devi, Eleanor and Fabiola gave them a thumbs up. Over Paxton’s shoulder, Michael let out a low whistle. When Paxton caught his eye, he winked and said, “thought she was just your best friend.”

Paxton looked back at Devi, her eyes finding his again immediately. “She is so much more than that.”

***

“Paxton Hall-Yoshida has done it again! He’s broke his own record!”

Paxton overheard the highlights of his 100m backstroke earlier that day as he walked the tunnel to where they were waiting. It was better than he could have imagined. He told his parents that he really wanted to give Devi one of the tickets for his events today. When he told them why, they were happy to help fly her out to them. It was five years since he realized Devi Vishwakumar was his good luck charm. And sure enough, she came through for him again today – sealing a gold medal for the backstroke. He was going to come through for her too.

“Hey,” she said when she saw him before tilting her head to the side. “What are you wearing?”

He glanced down at the expensive suit he’d donned in the locker room – the best suit he owned. “This? It’s nothing,” he smiled as he reached her.

“Where’s your bag?”

“Don’t worry about it,” he told her as his left hand slipped into his pocket. “I have everything I need right here.”

“Paxton, you can’t leave your stuff – what are you doing?” she asked suddenly, as he knelt down in front of her. Her eyes grew wide when he popped open the ring box.

“I’m feeling lucky, Devi. What about you?”

[kinetic-elaboration]

June 2: 2x21 Patterns of Force

Took a nap after work today!! Perhaps a bad idea.

Anyway, some thoughts on the... awkward Patterns of Force.

Another story about Jim looking for his hero, I see. That never (always) ends badly.

Definitely getting an image of little Spock (teenage Spock? young adult Spock? all little Spocks) reading about Earth history.

Oh no, an armed drone. That does not bode well. Why do Kirk’s heroes always betray him?

A subcutaneous transponder. That seems like a useful device to introduce into the narrative. (Slash remember for future purposes...)

Also it reminds of me “He’s a...a... a transponster!”

Spock in a hat. I guess the Ekosians and/or Zeons don’t have pointed ears, then.

“It’s our old enemy...fascism.”

Well this guy literally was not subtle in his references to Nazi Germany. (I’m referring in universe to what’s-his-face but this also applies to the episode writer.)

“The evidence is clear... someone did interfere.”

“You look quite well for a man who’s been utterly destroyed, Mr. Spock.” This man canNOT stop flirting for one second.

Lol, using Spock to distract the Nazi.

“It’s logical to pretend to be a Nazi? Okay, I’m convinced. You said the magic word.”

“Look! I captured him!” So proud.

Kirk’s face when Spock says he would make a convincing Nazi. Bb, you’re not doing the compliment thing right. (I’ll actually be quite honest... I find the humor in that moment but it also makes me uncomfortable given both these actors are Jewish.)

That said, Kirk is canonically better at blending into undercover scenarios than Spock is. He thinks better on his feet, creatively.

How do these people NOT recognize two whole-ass aliens.

...Maybe they do.

I do like when Kirk is being interrogated and still tries to be charming..

That Nazi really lost a lot of authority after being dressed down by his superior in front of the captives.

I like this Zeon. 

“The flaw in the plan is this locked door.” Thanks Spock. It’s this subtle humor that I think people often miss in him. Like where you can’t tell if it’s intentional or not.

Kirk is so smart!!! He never gets credit for being this smart.

Hmm, taking out the transponders is such a weirdly intimate scene.

The Zeon wants to be included in this adventure so much but they’re obsessed with each other, like “What Zeon?”

“I’ll be your platform, Mr. Spock.”

This is such a weirdly humorous interlude for a story about Nazis. Kind of reminds me in a way of that conversation with the police man on City on the Edge of Forever. I mean that ep was much better but just like the sudden switch in tone.

Spock’s like “Oh, that was cool. Made a laser.”

I heard Kirk say, “You, over there,” as in directing Spock to stand over there, but the subtitles say “Beautiful. Over there.” As in, “we did a beautiful job getting out, now Spock, stand over there.” But combine them...?

Not gonna get a disguise for Spock huh? Just gonna let him be shirtless a little more for no apparent reason.

Poor Zeon. These aliens are inscrutable and not letting him in on anything.

“Alien pistols.”

“Who would win? the entire military force of this planet or two phaser-less space husbands?"

I probably shouldn’t laugh every time Kirk impersonates a Nazi but I do. "Don't mind me... completely believable Nazi here..."

The unsubtle of the Hebrew names. And of course.. .Zeon.

“We’ll be just as bad as the Nazis.” No, actually, you’re not and never will be that’s not how it works. BUT you definitely should help the aliens. Like, that phrase grates because it’s usually used to refer to, like, use of violence, use of “censorship” but here’s it more about turning away people who are different or minority and so then it does make sense but....the connotations.

Spock’s like, “May I... get away from this emotion? Has enough time passed for me to ask that?”

More Nazis! Following them everywhere!

Oh, psych. Not Nazis after all.

Spock’s like “Betraying your own father, you say? I have never thought about that.”

“The Fuhrer... is an alien?” Actual real line AND a correct summation of the situation.

This ep does not paint the Federation in a great light. Although to be fair... John Gill was breaking the rules so.

Documentary corps... I love it. Great disguise. Flash lights in people’s eyes, have an excuse to stay in a group, no on looks at you. Genius.

Spock is honestly so bright-eyed and bushy-tailed about EVERYTHING. He cannot be tamed. Again, really an aspect of him I miss in the reboots.

Kirk really is the captain of everyone in his vicinity.

“Think positively, Spock.”

Uhura is unflappable. “A Nazi Colonel’s uniform? Of course, Captain.”

Send him down naked if you have to!! Yes, please, send him down naked.

Spock giving McCoy detailed instructions on how to put on boots... Why was dialogue like this not in the reboots?

McCoy is so polite. Polite first, confused later. “Nice to meet you, Nazi--wait, Nazi???”

I love how McCoy immediately put on his drunk face and Spock was like, "An opportunity to insult McCoy?? Awesome.”

So I assumed the Chairman was either dumb or didn’t recognize them with their shirts on but apparently he was yet another mole, so. At least it’s not a plot hole.

“The speech has no discernible pattern or logic.” Hmmm, I wonder what it feels like to have a leader who speaks with no discernible pattern or logic?

Guys. Pals. Awful people. Did he really give orders, or did he just say random shit? People will flock to anything. I'll be honest, I actually think this is one of the subtler and better parts of this episode: how chilling it is to contemplate how people will rally around any non-speech that has the right tone and a few key words. This is garbage language. But it incites people to kill.

McCoy and his stimulants again.

Spock and his mind probing again.

Wow Spock really messed with his mind there. “He can answer questions but not otherwise speak?” What kind of crazy shit is that?

They are being so mean to Spock. “Malformed ears.” “Low forehead.” That’s not a low forehead, that’s bangs.

Nice triumivirate scene at the end. Feels good, feels organic. Kirk likes to hear his two BFFs bickering because it feels like all is right with the universe, and I agree. Nature is healing.

This episode has a very weird (and very hard to swallow imo) backstory. Like, who primarily associates the Nazis with efficiency? And even if you do, if you think there’s something to the way they put together the country so fast post-WWI, all of this “efficiency” is directly tied to hatred and violence. Like Isak said, the Ekosians have nothing to hold them together BUT hating Zeons. That's at the center of the design. It's not like Gill’s plan backfired it was just... a horrible plan?? It doesn’t even make sense to me that his “effective regime” was co-opted by one hateful person because what was at the center of the “Nazi” regime before the hatred of Zeons? What could it have been? There are no other alternatives provided. Also, even if it could have been somehow accomplished without the use of a scapegoat.. is fascism really an ideal? Like the story never reckoned with that concept at all, which I find disturbing.

Here’s the thing about Gill. He is a certain real type and I appreciate his inclusion up to a point. He’s the Naive, Hubristic Intellectual. He thinks because he’s studied something, academically, he knows more about it even than people who experienced it, and he can fix all of its problems. “I can do this, but better. I am so smart, I am so well-informed, I have no flaws.” I can even see this sort of person being someone a young Kirk would admire because there’s an optimism and idealism to this naivete. I don’t think Kirk is arrogant but he is very idealistic, and when he was a young man, still in the market for heroes, or at least idols or mentors? Yeah, someone with that kind of attitude toward life--that we can deeply understand and then improve upon history--would have appealed to him. It’s possible that Gill even was the “compassionate, gentle” person that Kirk thought, or that he had that side to him.

Where I think the episode erred is in absolving Gill of most of his guilt for this state of affairs. He does die and he does admit he was wrong, but his biggest sin is allegedly in introducing a regime that could be co-opted for evil rather than one that was inherently bad. He is literally drugged (tortured in a way), to emphasize just how non-culpable the narrative thinks he is. Also, while he does apologize for interfering at all, even this is fairly brief and not expanded upon in the rest of the narrative. The truth is he shouldn’t have interfered in general, because that’s not his place or his right, and he shouldn’t have interfered in this way specifically. Even if Malakon hadn’t risen and taken over, the ideal Gil was imposing was one of unthinking uniformity, lack of autonomy, worship of a leader over the rule law--these are not the values of the Federation, the show Star Trek, or me. But he’s used more as a device to explain why the show is so unsubtly Nazi, rather than a real villain or object lesson. Even though Gill is a much better object lesson than Malakon.

And what about Malakon? The ending presents him, literally and in so many words, as the “one evil man” responsible for all of this. I think we know both from studying history and, unfortunately, from our own times, that this is untrue because impossible. One evil person is just a lunatic ranting on the street corner. One evil leader became leader because others agreed and gave him power, or agreed in part, or made a deal with the devil, or disagreed but said nothing, or spoke but were overwhelmed. It’s a disservice to the subject matter to say that dictatorships or authoritarian regimes are that simple. I get that the episode is only 50 minutes and it needs to wrap up, and it’s simpler to say “Okay, killed the Villain, now we can go back to being Not Evil, all the Ekosians will be as happy as the Zeons because we never really wanted this.” But Hitler and his henchmen weren’t the only Nazis. Regular people--and in this context, regular Ekosians--weren’t Nazis too.

Overall, the episode was okay. Very awkward though. Very blunt. I think it would have been better off not using the Nazi symbology so literally. Like the idea that a human would come into a society and purposefully create something from our history is interesting (and “what if Earth but alien?” is certainly something TOS likes doing and finds various ways to do--like the gangsters in A Piece of the Action or Neo-Rome in Bread and Circuses or even literal Greek Gods in Who Mourns for Adonais?) but not worth it given which society was being emulated. It seemed to be too much an excuse to dig out the old WWII movie costumes (and put Jewish actors in Nazi regalia which... is very... distressing) and not so much an excuse for some kind of commentary along the lines of what I said above re: the hubris of historians, the hubris of time. That aspect leaves a bad taste. It had some good ideas but I think, again, it was hindered rather than helped by how literal it insisted (for some reason) on being. Compare it to A Private Little War, which was just about as obvious a Vietnam allegory as you can get, and yet still didn’t literally transport anyone to Vietnam, and this ep looks all the more clunky. I’m probably judging it more harshly than I have on previous viewings, but I really feel like... you can use sci fi to make a commentary on the rise of authoritarianism, but the delicacy of the subject matter requires you to be particularly thoughtful in the way you do it and the actual statements you’re making.

Anyway, the Enterprise Defeats Nazis is a good episode summary at least.

I think in my last attempt at a whole rewatch I stopped at around this point. I seem to have watched the next two episodes, according to Amazon, but I have a weird feeling I only watched one, the next one, By Any Other Name, and then stopped. I don’t remember either of them so we’ll see how that goes! Will they seem familiar or not?

[chupitulpa]

It's me again, permaswitch guy.

TW: depression, suicide

The same anon from the last post asked:

Hey, thanks for your reply and for uploading it so fast. I come here to answer your reply and add a little something after.

First of all thank you for your acceptance and kindness, as a tulpamancer but also as a depressed person. Come to think of it it is ridiculous how long we took to reach this point, over 6 times longer than most, but then it’s logic too because of how randomly I forced over time. To lazy or extremely lazy hosts, there is hope. I don’t encourage laziness on anyone of course, but you can still achieve progress if you give it enough time. This may sound counterproductive, but trying so badly can cause a lot of stress and doubts, while giving your brain time to accomodate to a new mindset might be helpful. Ideally hosts should find a balance between forcing and letting the mindset in.

Next let me talk about your proposed alternative solutions. I find it strange that you encourage me to step further into my comfort zone. It’s probably because I haven’t told you anything, but this is already what I’m doing as much as I can and I keep being told this is only making things worse because I have to step out of it to make changes and go anywhere in my life. However in contrast, you think more like me. I’m so much going into my comfort zone that I’m avoiding talking to anyone or leaving home ever. May expand on it later. About groups to fit in: I don’t work well on 1-to-1, leave alone on groups. That’s why I prefer being away of tulpa Discord servers. I always go unnoticed and/or misunderstood. Looking for friends or relationship outside of our system is something I’ve finally given up on, after continuous failures. May expand on it later. Lastly I’ve been to therapists for almost all my life and while this sounds like nonsense, they and medications have never proven to help me personally. I find a simple talk with my tulpa to be much better than years of medication and therapists.

Before I go with the last issue I’d like to say that unlike many would think I have morals too, so yeah, it’s probably a better idea for us to switch than for me to create another tulpa yet for the sake of switching.

Now, I’ve had this issue going on for my entire life and specially since 2020. This is not strictly related to tulpamancy but I think many tulpas will be able to relate to this, unlike most hosts. I, however, am host, and am dealing with this.

Many people like to think of themselves as something else than humans or even feel as if they were also something else. Most notably the furry community, which I’ve been interacting with for years, is full of people who besides humans would like to be a fursona, or even feel more as if they were their fursona than a human. I, however, take this to the next level. I have been both unvoluntarily and voluntarily distancing myself from the concept “human”. It is not something positive to me being one. As such I’ve been suffering of “species dysphoria”, or am trans-species. I bet many many tulpas who have fronted have had this issue if they weren’t made after humans to begin with. However I cannot say the same for hosts. Indeed I’m the only host I know so far who thinks they aren’t human and would rather be some yellow dragon drawn by a furry artist. This issue is easily fixed with a switch. Not saying I’m switching because of this, but it is something nice knowing that I can stop being trapped in a human body and just be myself. Believe me, species dysphoria can get to the same points or even worse than gender dysphoria. Fortunately I never had the latter. So maybe now you understand why I am isolating myself too.

Looking back at my old asks here now I know much more about tulpas than I used to back then. Yeah I’m happy we made progress too, but I wish things would have been different. I wish I could be more consistent and this wouldn’t have took or take nearly as long. Not only for seeing it as a chore, but also because we run out of time to survive. Some pressure to live on. Thanks to my tulpa I’m more hopeful and relaxed, and we’re trying our best to delay another suicide attempt for as long as we can. But we can’t do that forever so ultimately it’ll happen. Thanks to him I also think about it twice since now it’s two of us.

Say, may I ask if you’re religious? What do people tend to think on tulpa afterlife? It��s not a topic you hear much about in the community.

Oh I almost forgot. I want to get rid of this life, the human life, 100%. This means after switch I don’t care what happens on this side. Giving the fronter full permission to do as wanted, as opposed to other cases where the original host wanted to leave but also still cared about their human body’s life, bringing unnecessary worry and ultimately a regret of permanent switch. I think this is something important. I always think of this life as a burden that was put on me, and have been despising it since 2008. As such, I see my parents in the same eyes as you would see a tulpamancer who creates a tulpa solely to have them switch. Totally unacceptable behaviours. Of course, I understand a child can never choose to be born or not, while a tulpa can choose whether to switch or not. But my parents could have refrained from having a son in the first place, specially if they were going to be neglectful parents. This world is one unjust place.

My reply:

Don't worry about how long it took to get there. Some people barely force at all and have a talking tulpa in a day or two. Others work at it for years before hearing a peep. Laziness happens too and definitely contributes. Stress, doubts, laziness and working too hard at it can all produce slower progress. And depression contributes to all of the above as well.

As a depressed and socially awkward person, I have to say I can relate to the urge not to go out or talk to people. The current situation in 2020 has not helped either. Like you, I didn't get a whole lot out of meds or talk therapy. Tulpa stuff does help a great deal, but I keep falling off it and back into the awful depression.

I do think that full isolation isn't healthy. However, as far as I can tell, this doesn't seem to apply as much to tulpas if the host/whoever is fronting interacts with people some. Whether the tulpas are fully active and thinking or just snoozing in the background, they seem to benefit from the interaction the same way the host/fronter does. Or at least that's our experience. I don't know whether it works like that because they're in the background experiencing it to some degree, or if it affects something that's shared between all of us; my tulpas seem to think it's a combination of the two.

If the tulpa you already made is able and willing to try switching, give it a shot. I don't know how many other tulpa systems this applies to, but I think there's a special bond between the original host and their first tulpa: You discovered all the stuff you know about tulpamancy together, encountered and overcame the obstacles together, and discovered a lot about your minds together. If he's unable, doesn't want to, or tries it and decides it's not for him, you could (together!) try making another. But be sure to value them as a person and friend first and foremost, and emphasize that the switching thing is entirely optional.

I actually know more than one person who, for one reason or another, wishes that they would wake up in a world where they're a dragon, pony, canine, etc. The species dysphoria is certainly tied in with depression one way or another though I'm not sure which starts first. I can see why you won't care to interact with humans if you don't identify with or relate to them.

I am not religious. If there is an afterlife though, I would certainly want to be together with my tulpas in it. I haven't seen a lot of discussion on it, particularly since I've really just been involved with Tulpa.info which takes a secular, scientific viewpoint.

I'm curious. What would you like to do after switching? Be basically like a tulpa, doing your own thing in your wonderland and interacting with the new fronter when he has time?

Since you mention suicide, I feel obligated to mention the crisis text line. Text HOME to 741741 (US), 85258 (UK) or 686868 (Canada) to start a chat with an understanding person who can help you through your moment of crisis. I know people who have used it and they had positive experiences. Or there's 1-800-273-8255 (US) if you'd rather talk. Or a list of similar services in more countries than I can count.

[mikasfangirlmodeison]

Avengers Endgame - Let’s untangle the time travel mess! *SPOILERS AHEAD*

EDIT 1: Added some things about the Power Stone and Thanos travelling to the future.

EDIT 2: Changed some things in the diagramms. Added the missing year.

EDIT 3: A little something about Steve. (This is getting longer and longer.)

Shout out to @darth-darling for pointing out some things and telling me the missing year ;)

First things first: I have watched the movie and I loved it! It made me laugh, cry angry and happy - which is what a great movie should cause in the audience. Also I watched it only once so far - I’d like to have watched it at least 3 times by now, but I live in Germany and OV Versions aren’t that often shown in my local cinema - and I can’t stand the synchro. So yeah, they’re will most likely be some mistakes in this and I appreciate it if you guys would point them out so I can correct the diagramms and explanations along the way ;)

Also this will be a long post, but pls stay with me, as you might be less confused after reading this - no guarantees though.

Now the first thing we have to look at is how time travel works in the MCU. 

I think this was pretty well explained by the conversation Bruce had with the Ancient One. Time is basically created by the infinity stones and can only be altered by using, removing or doing anything with them.

So while the original time line of 2012 looked like this:

it changed, when Bruce took the time stone from the Ancient One. But as was also explained, changing the past would not result in a change in your future but only in the future of the people in the past. Therefore, a new, diverging timeline was created, where the Time Stone wasn’t in New York anymore - directly effecting the upcoming events - of mostly Dr. Strange’s movie. Now, the original timeline, however, would still be there. So, we’d have two realities: one in which Dr. Strange’s events would happen as in the movie and one where they didn’t - nobody knowing exactly what would occur in this reality. The timeline would now look like this: 

However, taking the stone back to it’s original time in the past would basically erase the alternate timeline along with anything that happened in it - only leaving the original timeline as we know it. Looking at the diagramm, this is what’s left:

It basically looks like the first one.

Now, we have to apply this logic to every infinity stone and the events in Endgame.

Therefore, let’s first look at the timeline for when every stone is where it should be. For clarity, I only included the events which were directly important and shown in Endgame - leaving out the rest like Ultron or Guardians 2.

Edit 2: The missing year is added now. 

Now, let’s have a look at the events when our time travelling heroes took the stones. I’ll leave the battle of New York for last as it gets the most complicated there.

Let’s start with Thor 2. In 2013 Jane Foster came to Asgard cause she fused with the Aether - which is as we know - the Reality Stone. Taking that from her, Rocket and Thor create one new timeline directly affecting the events of Thor Dark Kingdom. Now they also take Mjölnir with them which you could see as a problem. But with the explanation from above, we know that this only affects the new timeline. In this one there’s no Reality Stone, no Mjölnir and Frigga still dies cause Thor didn’t tell her it was her death day. So, basically everyone’s fucked in this reality. The original one. however, still happens as seen in the movie.

Next is Guardians 1 in 2014. On Morag our heroes knock Star-Lord unconscious and then proceed to take the Power Stone back with them to the future - creating one new timeline. In this new timeline Star-Lord is basically fucked - which will however be reverted once the stone is brought back. However, this timeline brings a new problem, as Thanos and his crew hack into future Nebula’s brain and learn everything - resulting in them coming to the future. I heard people say they were confused about how the Snap would happen if these guys get killed there. But we have to remember that they’re alternate versions, so the original ones are still in the original timeline, doing their thing - which includes the Snap later.

Still 2014, Nat and Clint make their way to Vormir. Events happen as seen in the movie and there’s one alternate timeline in which Gamorra doesn’t die cause the Soul Stone is already taken. Here might lie a problem, but more on that later.

Sometime after Captain America, (as said above if anybody knows the exact year pls tell me) Tony steals the Tesseract, and therefore the Space Stone, from S.H.I.E.L.D. resulting in a timeline where Howard Stark met his own grown-up son. Luckily, he didn’t realize. However, this was only necassary since our heroes “slightly” fucked up in 2012.

Which leads us to the battle of New York in 2012 and the events of the frist Avengers movie. This is where things get complicated as we have 3 Infinity Stones here: Time, Mind and Space (again). If we assume that everytime a stone is taken, a new timeline gets created, we should now have a bunch of them. There should be timelines where only 1 stone is missing, where 2 are missing (depending on which stone was the first one taken) and there’s also 1 timeline where no Infinity Stone is left in New York. And some of them are branching off from the others. I’m too lazy to do the math right now, but yeah, you should get the gist of things being messy here. For convenience, I’m only including the important divergent timelines in the diagramm, which are 2: The first one being a reality where all 3 Infinity Stones are gone and the second one where only one - namely the Tesseract/Space Stone - is missing, cause our favourite trickster god took it. Which is also the reason Tony had to take the detour above in the first place. 

Now, let’s take a look at the diagramm after the whole time travelling business. I present to you a whole mess of alternate realities:

Are you still with me? We’re halfway, now it’s time to get those stones back to their right times - more or less erasing the mess we created before.

While everything should theoratically be fine after Steve took the stones back, there are some issues we have to adress. But let’s start with the easy things first. Therefore, I should say that I don’t think it’s important in which order Steve travelled, although it’s save to assume that he brought the Tesseract back last.

Actually, the only EASY thing here is the Reality Stone. Bringing this one back just erases the alternate timeline and there are no other problems. Taking Mjölnir back is basically pointless since it’s alternate Mjölnir and it will get erased together with the other timeline anyways. But well, maybe Steve wanted to carry it around a bit longer.

Next thing I’d like to adress is the Soul Stone because I’ve seen questions about why they couldn’t bring Nat back. This is easily answered when looking at the explanation of the Ancient One again. Bringing back the stones erases the alternate timeline and everything that happened in it after the stone was taken. Now the important thing here is AFTER. Nat died to create the Soul Stone, so before Clint took it with him. Therefore, she died before the alternate timeline was created and there is no way to bring her back by erasing it. Now the real problem here is Gamora. As the Soul Stone was already gone in the alternate timeline she wouldn’t have died in this one. But she theoretically should be dead in the original one. The problem about that is however, that the Soul Stone is already created. Sure, it is in the hands of the guardian, but it is already made so there should be no need to sacrifice another soul. Unless the guardian is just cruel and likes to see that happen - but that would go against his whole purpose. I guess, he could just destroy the stone. But I don’t think it’s that easy to recreate it again following the procedure just the way as before, as it was obviously quite the deal when Thanos destroyed all the Infinity Stones after the Snap. So we might still have an alternate timeline here which wasn’t erased and which might affect Guardians 3 in the future.

Adding to the mystery of Gamora are also the events surrounding the Power Stone. Bringing this one back basically erases the timeline of Thanos and crew coming to the future - these guys basically never existed then - which should include Gamora. This might be underlined by the fact that the Guardians’ ship can’t determine her location at the end. So maybe she really was erased by bringing the stone back. But then again the eventual alternate Gamora from the Soul Stone timeline could still exist somewhere. However, this Gamora wouldn’t have been in the future, but should on the other hand be a part of the Guardians. It’s also unclear whether the snap would have happened in that reality, as Thanos couldn’t have gotten the Soul Stone by sacrificing her. Maybe he killed the Guardian though and took it from him? So yeah, this whole Gamora business really confuses me. 

Edit 1: Regarding the confusion about Thanos learning everything and then disappearing into the future, it’s important to know the exact time he hacked into Nebula’s brain. If I recall correctly, the movie showed us this scene between Star-Lord getting knocked out by Rhodey and Nebula and them getting to the Power Stone. But I think it’s supposed to be simultaneously to Rhodey and Nebula taking the stone which would mark it the beginning of the alternate timeline. Resulting in it getting erased by taking the stone back, which means Thanos never getting to know anything. That way everything will happen as it’s depicted in the movies. 

Here’s another diagramm for that:

Know that everything connected by a purple line belongs to the alternate timeline and will be erased by putting the Power Stone back.

On another note, if alternate Gamora exists, how would she get to the original timeline? She’d need to travel from another reality, another dimension, to this one. And the only way that MIGHT be possible would be using the Space Stone but oh wait, this one’s either destroyed by Thanos OR taken by Loki - which brings us to problem No. 2.

The whole reason Tony had to travel even further back in time was that Loki got away with the Tesseract after the Batte of New York in 2012, creating some of the confusing alternate timelines. While most of them - including the one where all 3 stones are gone - get erased when taking the Time and Mind Stones back there, we’re still left with that other reality where only the Space Stone is missing. So even if that whole Gamora business turns out that she’s just dead again and nothing happens after that, alternate Loki is still a thing unresolved. Which might be a problem since we’re talking about crazy Battle of New York Loki here and not precious Thor Ragnarok Loki. So this timeline might get fucked later. I hope the MCU does something with this - or else I’ll be very disappointed and slightly mad.

What’s left is the Tesseract Steve has, which he brings back as well - resulting in him staying in the past. 

Well, lets look at the timeline after bringing back the stones, before we adress Steve:

As we can see most divergent timelines got erased again - only definitely leaving Loki’s, and additionally maybe Gamora’s alternate timeline. And I sure hope the MCU will do anything with that or else I’ll be very disappointed and slightly mad! 

Edit 3: Now let’s adress Steve. While I loved the idea of him staying in the past and finally being able to be happy with Peggy, there are some problems with that. 

As we all know, by 1970 she’s already married - to Daniel Sousa as we can see in the Marvel series Agent Carter. Now there are two possibilities:

1. Steve stays in 1970 woos Peggy again, resulting in her getting a divorce. Steve than marries Peggy herself. However, the problem with that is the end scene of Endgame where you can see Peggy and Steve dancing together. In this scene they’re both still fairly young - which shouldn’t be the case for Peggy in 1970. So this possibility is pretty much ruled out. 

2. Steve leaves the Tesseract in 1970 and travels back even further to 1945 shorty after the plane crash in Cap 1. He then goes on the promised date with Peggy - resulting in the dancing scene we can see at the end of Endgame. Now, the problem with this is, that this rules out all the events of Agent Carter. Meaning this must be an alternate timeline as well. Now if that’s the case, how exactly is it possible for Steve to be on that bench later in the future as his old self? He would have to travel from his alternate dimension to the original timeline - only possible by using the Space Stone. Even leaving aside the how and when of him doing that, the usage would probably create some further alternate timelines, which would mostly likely result in some sort of mess again. Furthermore, he would have to sit still doing nothing while knowing about Hydra’s actions in the past and Bucky - making him kind of an asshole. Needless to say, I’m not that fond of this possibility either.

Which is why I thought about it some more and came up with a 3rd option. Now this is just my own assumption and there is no proof or anything for it.

But let’s say Steve goes to 1970 and leaves the Tesseract there. He then travels to 1945 and goes on that date with Peggy and they dance. But instead of staying, he leaves and disappears after that, staying in hiding. Now it’s safe to assume that Steve knows about Peggy’s family situation and her later husband Daniel - I mean he hooked up with her niece. As we find out in the movies, Daniel is already dead when Steve wakes up and Peggy is old and sick with Alzheimer’s. Now, the question is: When did Daniel die? For this theory to work out his death must have been a while before Peggy becoming ill. It would then be possible for Steve to return to Peggy after Daniel’s death, helping her through her time of grieve and marrying her way later - maybe even after her illness broke out. Of course, Steve would still be an asshole for letting things happen with Hydra and Bucky, but we shouldn’t forget that he knows it wouldn’t change anything in the future. And at least we wouldn’t have any more alternate timelines. 

Let’s incorporate this option into our diagramm from before:     

Now, I’m at the end! I hope I could get rid of some of your confusion - writing this surely helped me at least. As said before, I’d really appreciate you pointing out mistakes and the like. And thanks for reading this hella long post!

[bluebeirry]

Chp 270- From AfO’s POV vs Tomura’s

I am suuuuper late to this party

K so this is like unedited but fucknkit it’s super long and fun. I see a lot about how hero society is misunderstanding Tomura, but not a lot about how AfO might be, so I wanted to write this.

I believe that in chapter 270, AfO believes that he’s successfully pushed Tomura to throw away all his best traits- but he’s failed epically and he doesn’t even realize it, because he misinterprets Tomura’s actions. Namely, AfO is projecting symbolism and moral coding onto actions that have very different meanings to Tenko.

It should also be noted that I strongly believe that the entire dream is fictional- Nana isn’t actually there, there are no ghosts beyond AfO himself present, and the whole thing is symbolism rather than actual people. I also strongly suspect that AfO designed/controlled the whole dream, beyond Tomura’s own actions. This will be reflected in my writings.

To elaborate:

/./././././././././././././././

First, establishing why I think Horikoshi can write with insight

So something I notice Horikoshi is wont to do is looking at the story from the POV of our non-POV character(s) and asking ‘okay what would they believe/think/do with the information they  have.’

For example, Todoroki’s guess at the Sports Festival- that Midoriya is All Might’s secret love child- comes across as hilarious to the audience because it seems so far out of left field, and Midoriya is shocked because it’s out of left field for him as well. But when you think about it, this is a completely natural assumption for Shoto to make with the information he has. Yes I know people joke about this and there’s a thousand reasons readers claim the idea was foolish, but when you really think about the scenario without our pre-existing knowledge- Shouto really was making a logical guess with the information he has (and his personal history) since in-universe quirks are genuinely completely unique, beyond bloodline inheritance. I already wrote up a walk-through a potential line of thought for Shouto If we assume he thought through this theory before apprehending Midoriya about it: https://bluebeirry.tumblr.com/post/617845821257498624/so-for-personal-reasons-along-with-a-theory-i-may it’s on this link

Shouto’s guess in that scene wasn’t merely a gag, but a well thought-out step on Horikoshi’s behalf to show logical, intelligent thought coming from a character lacking critical information. In that hallway scene, Shouto wasn’t being written as a conspiracy theorist or socially inept- although he’s definitely the latter, that particular trait is not the driving force behind Shouto’s guess. In the hallway scene, Shouto was being written as a https://yudkowsky.tumblr.com/writing/level1intelligent Level 1 intelligent character. I’ll let the link explain why this matters and why it's a big deal, but the importance is that this scene serves as evidence that Horikoshi can write level 1 intelligent characters. He can give his characters https://yudkowsky.tumblr.com/writing/thoughtful-responses thoughtful responses and intelligent mistakes based on the information THEY have.

Now that this is clarified, onto Tomura and AFO.

Horikoshi’s ability to write Level 1 intelligent characters- and to separate character knowledge from audience knowledge- is key to why I think AfO greatly misunderstands what’s going on with Tomura in the chp 270 fever-dream.

First, let’s go through the scene and analyze it for symbolism, interpretations, and character analysis from our own PoVs. As in, using the information we know- which as you’ll see encompasses information AfO would know- we’ll analyze what Tomura’s dream means to us.

So let’s look at the scene from AfO’s perspective.

What does Tomura’s family mean to AfO?

Tomura’s family is his past. It’s the love of his lost ones, and yes, to a degree, it’s death. Joining them would be death. But they’re also love, normalcy, and the childhood he lost so long ago. And yes, Kotaro isn’t a part of that love- but he is a part of that childhood, and a part of being ‘normal.’

Hatred and pain can be ‘normal’ if caused by ‘normal’ things. IMO Kotaro was put in there partially to ensure Tomura wouldn’t choose the love of the rest of his family, since Kotaro served as a reminder that the old life of Tenko wasn’t all sunshine and roses. Kotaro was the pain that Tenko had to endure in order to also have the love and protection of his childhood. Kotaro was intertwined with the love of Hana and Nao.

(And me repeat this is what I think AfO would interpret)

What does the destruction of the dead Shimura family mean to AfO?

Rejection of the love, normalcy, and acceptance into a stable- if imperfect- environment. Tomura joining the dead Shimuras he killed would have been giving in and choosing that life and that love over the life that’s ahead of him- the life AfO built for him.

Tomura turning from his family is therefore symbolic of him turning from love, and acceptance.

Ironically I think AfO is right about this dream pushing Tomura into rejecting the possibility of societal acceptance, but not for the reasons AfO thinks- this will be discussed later in Tomura’s section.

What does AfO mean to himself?

This one’s simple- AfO sees himself as a symbol of evil. He says it over and over, he brags about it, his minions hail him as one, he’s one of the most despicable characters in the manga because he does everything For the Evulz.

AfO sees himself as the symbol of evil- and to choose him is to choose the life of evil.

What does AfO think he means to Tomura?

This we get from further flashbacks. We know that AfO wants to turn Tomura into a ‘symbol of fear,’ and that’s exactly what he thinks he is to Tomura. Just as AfO sees himself as a symbol of evil, he sees himself to Tomura as Tomura’s path/role as a symbol of fear. In choosing AfO over his family, AfO sees it as giving Tomura two options- love (and death), or becoming what AfO wants him to be.

See, we the audience and AfO know full well that AfO is pulling Tomura’s strings- that he’s been nothing but a puppet from the beginning. So this plays into AfO’s interpretation of the dream as well.

What does Tomura accepting AfO mean to AfO?

AfO sees Tomura choosing him over the Shimuras as Tomura embracing the role AfO has planned for him. It’s Tomura choosing to be a symbol of fear. Combined with rejecting the Shimura’s, it’s Tomura choosing the Symbol of Fear as his only future, all other options now gone forever.

What does Nana Shimura mean to AfO?

The same thing all One for All users mean to AfO- she’s a Symbol of Good. The alternative path to evil. For all his brilliance, AfO sees the world in very much a black-and-white sort of mindset, and he enforces and pushes this mindset onto others.

What do Nana’s words mean to AfO?

“Don’t forget” means “Don’t forget what it’s like to be good.” AfO sees the rejection of Nana as the rejection of ‘goodness.’ If the Shimura family are neither ‘good’ nor ‘bad,’ but simply the only life AfO thinks Tomura can lead that will bring him love, then Nana is the concept of ‘good’ specifically. Rejecting the Shimuras solidifies Tomura’s rejection of any other path in life, but rejecting Nana as well is the rejection of all things good.

“Once you’ve accumulated both hatred and joy, you will truly be free” -AFO

The next thing we need to establish is that thanks to AfO’s upbringing, Tomura’s mind has been warped in certain ways. There are concepts which most people assign to specific words, that Tomura doesn’t. ‘Good’ and ‘evil’- it’s well-established that he doesn’t think much of these terms, if at all. He says outright ‘it’s my right to destroy what I don’t like’ while AfO is listening, and later he tells Izuku that (as far as he knows) everyone destroys what they don’t like. The reason the world still stands is because (again as far as he knows) Tomura has an unusually high desire to destroy. It’s something AfO told him directly (chp 237), and it sets Tomura apart from everyone else, making him an outcast and an outsider.

Thing is, AfO actually has a very strong moral understanding of right and wrong- he actively chooses to do the wrong thing BECAUSE it is ‘evil’ and that gets him off or something. AfO taught Tomura to view the world a twisted way, even though he himself views the world very differently.

But. For all that he’s brilliant, AfO tends to see the world in black and white- and he tries to push this view onto others as well. It’s something he shares with hero society- labeling everyone as ‘good’ or ‘bad�� is prevalent there as well. He raised Tomura to choose the ‘evil’ path, but forgot that in the process he told him things like ‘morals aren’t real.’ AfO looks at the results of Tomura’s actions and sees him as evil, but he doesn’t realize that to Tomura, that binary switch of ‘good’ and ‘evil’ doesn’t exist.

That’s why All Might confused Tomura. That’s why Stain’s popularity pissed him off. Tomura’s mind may be warped, but he lacks the good/evil complex that almost everyone else in the story has, and that blinds them all to the true nature of things.

See, Tomura’s philosophy- that people destroy what they don’t like- betrays something about him that I don’t think AfO realizes: Tomura isn’t a hypocrite, and he believes that EVERYONE has the right to destroy what they don’t like. Likewise, the reverse applies- you have the right to preserve/protect what you like. This is reflected in how he’s willing to let his companions/friends keep the things they love, because they should be able to destroy or keep things as well.

Now I’m going to pick the scene apart from Tomura’s perspective, by asking several questions at each major point.

What do Tomura’s sister and mother mean to him?

So first of all I want to say that I do believe that Tenko didn’t deliberately kill his family (perhaps barring his father). That is opinion, however, and unproven, so I’m going to instead say this: whether or not he killed his family on purpose, he still loved them- and possibly still does love them. A moment of rage, while in shock and traumatized, can cause horrible results- kids that age regularly scream and break things in fits. Kids with supernatural abilities could easily kill someone in a fit. Likewise, we know he felt guilty after their deaths- accident or intentional, there were still positive feelings for at least some of his family.

Now to the actual fever dream- I notice that with both his mother and his sister, Tomura shows compassion. He tells Hana not to worry about hurting him with a smile that personally I think shows forgiveness, but at the very least it isn’t cruel. He tells his mother he’s fine, and he shows her compassion as well. I think Tomura still loves his mother and sister.

But the most pressing piece of evidence that this is the case is the way his family looks at him when they’re holding him back. Minus his father, every single one is looking sad. It’s guilt that they provide, guilt that makes their hands a challenge to overcome. Guilt- over leaving the people he loves.

What does Tomura’s father mean to him?

With Tomura’s father, it’s the exact opposite. He represents opposition, something destroyed, something to hate. Hatred, too, can drag a person down and hold them back. Where the rest of the family clings to Tomura’s arms, Kotaro pushes him down head-first. His face, when destroyed by Tomura, mimics that of the face he made when he tried to kill Tenko- it’s the culmination of all the hatred Tomura has for his father represented in this form.

And the thing is, this too can drag Tomura down into death. Hatred alone can only go so far, and while it can be a powerful motivating factor it also causes suffering for the one who feels it. If you hate the living, you’ve got a goal and you can use that hate- but if you hate something or someone that’s far beyond your reach, you’re helpless to have an outlet or use that suffering in any way, and it only causes pain. Much like love becomes grief when love cannot be manifested.

Tomura is letting go of his father the same way he lets go of his mother and sisters. The emotions may be opposites, but the results are the same. He may always hate his father, but in destroying his ghost Tomura affirms that he won’t let that hatred hold him back.

What does the destruction of the dead Shimura family mean to Tomura?

Different things for each of them- some love, some hate, but the one thing all of them share is that they’re dead. He’s not. If he stays, if he lets them hold him back- he’s staying with ghosts. This isn’t about good vs evil, or love vs apathy- it’s about letting go of the past and moving on. It’s about not letting your pain distract you from what you could have in the now. Contrary to AfO’s viewpoint, the inclusion of Kotaro in the ‘ghosts’ holding Tomura back mean that if this was about the ability to love, it wouldn’t just be love that Tomura destroys as he walks forward- it’d be about hate as well. If anything, hate was literally the forefront emotion holding Tomura back- as NAMEHERE’s hand was the one pushing Tomura’s face, the most present and pressing one. Love was something that drags behind, hate is something that pushes down, and Tomura let go of both here.

For Tomura, the destruction of his family is the destruction of his past in the context of the destruction of his pain. He’s letting go of his suffering- both from abuse and from loss of love- and moving on. Nothing less, nothing more.

What does AfO mean to Tomura?

According to the common definition of evil that you and I use, AfO isn’t ‘evil’ in the eyes of Tomura Shigaraki. Quite the contrary, AfO is the one who saved him- taught him, encouraged him. From Tomura’s perspective, AfO is improvement- rescue, safety, comfort, the league/friendship, nomu/strength, all of the things he gained only thanks to AfO. If Tomura used a normal vocabulary, I think he’d even go so far as to say that AfO is the biggest source of goodness in his life- as all the concepts we understand to be ‘good’ are concepts AfO represents for Tomura. AfO is the life Tomura could have, and the life he does have, so long as he doesn’t let the past drag him down. AfO isn’t just a person, AfO is a symbol for the future- for living life to it’s fullest.

In going towards AfO, walking away from his decayed family, Tomura sees himself letting behind the pain of his past and walking towards the future.

This may seem too easy- something he’s already done. But remember what he said to Re-Destro in chapter 235, right after he remembered his past?

ReDestro told him “There is no future for a world without creation”

Tomura replied “Future? Who needs that?”

In that moment, in those memories, Tomura didn’t really care about anything but destruction. He didn’t see a future for himself, and he didn’t want one. He wasn’t really thinking well- shock and exhaustion and trauma will do that to you. But the important thing is, Tomura established that after recalling his past, he did not care about having a future.

AfO, in an ironic twist, completely reversed the emotional impact that recalling his memories  had on Tomura in the fever dream.

What Tomura gained from the fever dream was a desire to see what the future brings. Again, recall that his understanding of ‘the future’ is warped by his upbringing- he doesn’t have any long-term plans or anything like that. But he doesn’t want to die. He wasn’t exactly suicidal after recalling his trauma, but he also genuinely didn’t care if he lived or died, or even if he won. Now, after chapter 270, he cares about living again.

AfO isn’t a Symbol of Evil to Tomura- he’s just a symbol of life, and continuing on.

What does Nana Shimura mean to Tomura?

Now the big one. The biggest difference between AfO’s understanding of that scene and Tomura’s understanding of that scene. And all the similarities in their understandings are for completely different reasons. Because compared to the reader, Tomura knows very little about Nana Shimura. He knows three things:

1. She is his grandmother

2. She was a hero

3. She left his father behind in some manner

Thing is, he has no clue that AfO and Nana Shimura were connected in any way. As far as Tomura is concerned, Nana is part of HIS personal past, and nothing more.

When he first learned of her existence, young Tenko was elated- excited- thrilled. That elation is what Tomuraremembers when she shows up in the dream, and that tells us for certain what Tomura thinks of Nana. That despite her picture connecting to his punishment and his father’s wrath, young Tenko never connected Nana to anything besides his first reaction to her. Unsurprising, given he was a child, but we also know now that Tomura also doesn’t have any opinion on her beyond that first reaction.

To Tomura, Nana is a symbol for hero society in general. Something he longed to be part of as a child, when he didn’t know better, but no longer wants. The same society that ignored him when he needed help, pushed him into the gutters and neglected him when he was hurt, and broke each of his friends in turn. More critically, the same society that now demands his death (and while this is literal Tomura might not be aware of this fact- but he does know they’d lock him up and leave him to rot, a metaphorical death).

See, Tomura doesn’t know how Nana died- as far as he knows, she died in the line of duty as a hero (which is arguably true from a certain point of view). She accepted her ‘role’ was to die, and she did so- and now she’s telling Tomura to accept his ‘role’ and die as well.

So Tomura is rejecting Nana as he rejects the role Hero Society places on him and defines his own. He’s not particularly driven to accept this ‘role’ and he throws her off quickly- which is not surprising. If he were to take this ‘role’ and do the next ‘right’ thing according to it, he’d either die or surrender. And there’s nothing for him there- no reason to do so. It’s easy to see why he throws this off so quickly.

Again, it goes back to Tomura not being willing to die.

What do Nana’s words mean to Tomura?

Nana tells Tomura, “Don’t forget.” I think to Tomura, these words are reflections of society’s attempts to define him by that one horrible day in his past. “Don’t forget” means “don’t let go of any part of it,” means “define yourself by the memories,” means “don’t ever outgrow the pain” means “go back to the gutter where AfO found you.” It also could mean “remember the faith in the system you once held” and “remember that the bad guys always lose” and “accept the lot life has cast you.” And Tomura is having none of that.

Tomura was an outsider to society for almost all of his life- and he couldn’t remember ever being anything else until he recalled his past. Now, he knows what it’s like to have been a child in society- and what it was like to be at the bottom of the barrel.

What Tomura didn’t say is that he would or would not forget- because again, Nana’s words are to him about how he lives and defines himself, not whether or not he remembers. I don’t think Tomura will forget- he’ll always love his mother and sister and grandma and grandpa, and he’ll always hate his father. But he doesn’t have to define himself by their deaths. That is what he’s refusing to do, in refusing Nana’s request.

What I find striking is what Tomura said to Nana as he walked away-

“Don’t reject who I am.”

It’s not a threat, it’s not a refusal, it’s not a vow, it’s not even a plan or a goal of what to do next. “Don’t reject who I am” is merely a fact.

Nana, as a symbol for hero society, is the last thing that tries to bury Tomura in his past. More than his love, more than his hate, society itself judged him for his past and let him rot for it. Before he was found by AfO, society itself defined Tomura by his past- it held him back, because it gave him nowhere to go.

And this… this is something Tomura saw in his friends before he even remembered how it applied to himself- Spinner even gave a whole speech about society pushing him down. Hell, I’m willing to bet that it’s because he’s been hanging out with people who say society fucked them over that Tomura realized how society itself caused him problems. Arguably in destroying Nana, Tomura takes on the goal that the rest of the league has had for a good long while- tearing down the world that held them down.

He tells her, “Don’t reject who I am” because that’s what society has done to him and his friends over and over again. Because to Tomura, this entire dream is about letting go of his past. Not letting love, hate, or the opinions of society as a whole keep him from moving on. Every single aspect of the dream contributes to this theme- as far as he’s concerned this dream is entirely about recovering from his trauma.

To Tomura, the family that holds him back are manifestations of grief, hate, and finally societal rejection. Three factors that are all telling him he needs to die. It’s not a moral statement he makes when destroys them- it’s a thereputic one.

Any salvation for Tomura Shigaraki will come from his friends, and it will blindside AfO because AfO has been seeing Tomura’s journey in terms of ‘good and ‘evil,’ when in truth his journey has always been about ‘suffering’ versus ‘fuck the suffering, and fuck whatever caused it.’ The question is whether or not AfO will become a cause of suffering for Tomura’s followers- because AfO knows better than to turn on Tomura before the final blow is certain. The only way I can see AfO being surprised by Tomura is if he does something to hurt Tomura’s friends, thinking that ‘evil’ Tomura won’t care or will help, and then being shocked when Tomura turns on him in rage. Because fuck the suffering, and fuck whatever- or whoever- caused it.

[goldheartofsteel]

and he’s home - a LAMP/CALM Fanfic

Fandom: Sanders Sides (Web Series)

Characters: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Morality | Patton Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Logic | Logan Sanders

Relationship: Anxiety | Virgil/Creativity | Roman/Logic | Logan/Morality | Patton

Rating: General Audiences

Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply

Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - College/University, Established Relationship, Getting Together, Love Confessions, Self-Doubt, Assumptions, Kissing, Enthusiastic Kissing

READ ON AO3

Opening the door to his apartment he shared with his best friends, Patton sighs contently.

His time away gave him time to think and be distracted from his situation in equal measure.

Patton’s not surprised to find the apartment quiet and empty at this time of day. Coming back now, gives him time to settle in and brace himself for seeing things he doesn’t wanna see and keep his feelings to himself.

His bags make it to the foot of his bed before his plan unravels.

“Patton? You’re back?” questions a hopeful voice from his doorway.

Patton spins on the spot and smiles at Roman.

“Yuppers. It was nice to see my folks but it’s good to be home. Aren’t you supposed to be working?” he replies.

Shaking his head, Roman’s a spring ready to launch.

“Nope, switched shifts with a co-worker.”

Patton opens his mouth to say something when Roman launches himself at him, knocking him backwards onto his bed, beneath Roman; something he’s fantasized about though not under these circumstances.

“God, I missed you,” whispers Roman against Patton’s neck.

Unsure of what to do, Patton wraps his arm around Roman then slowly rubs his back causing his friend to snuggle closer.

Roman relaxes against him then drifts off to sleep where he is.

Seeing he’s stuck for the foreseeable future; Patton takes comfort from Roman’s presence and follows him off to dreamland.

Later that evening, two other familiar voices rouse Patton.

“Well, this is just too precious to process,” comments one voice.

“I literally can’t think of anything bitter or cynical to remark,” says another.

Blinking a few times before adjusting his glasses, Patton looks over to his doorway and spots his other two best friends, Logan and Virgil standing there and looking at him and Roman.

Oh bugger.

He knows what this looks like but what’s going is so far from the truth and he’d never want to come between them, as much as it hurts because he knows his three best friends are happily together.

All of his squirming wakes up Roman who let’s go of him without thinking and Patton sends himself flying backwards and off of the bed. As he lays there, all he can think of is he hopes he didn’t ruin Roman’s relationship.

A purple and black arm appears in his line of vision.

Patton looks up and Virgil’s there with a concerned look on his face as he waits for Patton to take his hand, which he does immediately.

What he doesn’t expect is Virgil using his hold on Patton’s hand, pull him towards him then hugs him tightly, leaning his forehead against Patton’s before closing his eyes.

“Next time, I’m going with you,” he whispers.

Patton doesn’t know how long they stand like this.

Cough.

Virgil turns his head and hisses at Logan and Roman, who take several steps backwards with their hands raised in the air unthreateningly.

Patton blinks.

This is new.

“As much as I like having ya’ll in my room, maybe we should go out to the living room,” suggests Patton.

Seeing as Virgil’s not gonna let him go any time soon, Patton lifts him up, causing Virgil’s legs to wrap around his waist on instinct and his grip around his neck to tighten.

Patton thinks he hears Roman whisper,

“That’s hot,”

Under his breath but surely that can’t be right.

Pushing the thought out of his mind, Patton concentrates on carrying Virgil out into the living room while Roman and Logan follow him.

“Alright, you’re gonna have to get down so I don’t drop you,” states Patton.

Virgil pouts but unwraps his legs from Patton’s waist before using him to help stabilize himself.

Removing himself from Virgil’s grip, Patton sends him a smile in response to Virgil’s pout at his actions (and boy, doesn’t Patton want to kiss that pout right off his lips).

He looks at Logan before opening his arms for a hug.

Long ago, Patton realizes that this isn’t something Logan’s always in the mood for.

He’s pleased however, instead of hesitating…Logan immediately steps into his space and hugs him tightly.

“It pleases me greatly to have you back,” Logan says softly.

“I had a good weekend but I’m glad to be back,” he replies.

Logan squeezes him softly in response, content to enjoy the moment.

“Alright, lovebirds. Time to break it up,” yells Roman.

In an instant, Patton’s reminded of his situation and how he has no place in their relationship. Panicked, he lets go of Logan then jumps backwards to put space between him and the others. Apparently, it’s still too easy for him to fall into old habits which, not good for getting over his crushes.

“Patton? Are you alright?” asks Logan.

“Uh, yeah; been a long travel day and all that,” he answers.

Virgil frowns as he watches Patton.

“This is the second time tonight you’ve reacted like this. You sure you’re all good?” he questions.

“Ac-ac-act like what?” responds Patton.

“A kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar,” explains Virgil.

Patton shakes his head.

“It’s nothing, don’t worry. I probably should get some sleep,” he says as he tries to head back to his room.

A hand grabs his own causing Patton to pause and look at Roman. He can’t decipher the look in Roman’s eyes.

“Maybe Remus was right after all…” he trails off.

Patton tilts his head to the side in confusion because Roman never admits it when his brother is right about something. The confusion grows when both Logan and Virgil have a lightbulb moment themselves.

“You’re in love with us but think we couldn’t feel the same way about you,” states Roman.

Patton bites his lip.

“You know about us, don’t you Patton?” comments Logan.

His silence illuminates something for both Roman and Virgil.

It’s time to come clean to his best friends.

“How could I not fall in love with all of you? There’s no one better on the Earth than the three of you,” he sighs, “that’s why it’s not hard to realize you’re all out of my league and I have no place here,” Patton admits.

“Oh Pat…”comments Virgil softly.

Logan moves to his side once more.

“Falsehood.”

Before Logan says another word, Roman jumps in.

“The last few days without you here…the apartment felt cold and more like a house than a home. Without you, Patton,” Roman pauses and runs a hand through his hair, “without you…we’re incomplete. You’re our heart and we’re in love with you.”

Logan and Virgil nod in immediate agreement.

It’s overwhelming and he feels like he’s gonna faint but that doesn’t stop him from smiling the brightest and lovingly smile at them causing all three of the men to blush bright red.

Logan’s the closest to him, so Patton grabs his hand and pulls Logan towards him, stealing the move Virgil used early but instead of hugging him, Patton gently cups his cheeks before kissing him for a few moments then letting go.

Next comes Virgil but despite Patton’s plan of kissing softly and gently like Logan, he presses himself up against Patton as he kisses him back; desperately but fiercely at the same time. When they part, it takes Patton a couple moments to find himself.

Last but certainly not least is Roman, determined to not be outdone by Virgil.

As Patton kisses him, he wraps himself around Patton to the point, one wrong move sends them down onto the couch. Then when Patton pulls away to breath, Roman moves his lips to Patton’s neck, surprising him enough to get a startled squeak out of him.

Then Roman feels himself being pulled back.

“Alright, Princey; remember, you gotta share and I think Patton needs some space to breath,” comments Virgil.

Romans hops up, allowing Patton to sit up and take a couple deep breaths with Logan sitting besides him and rubbing his back.

Looking from Logan to Roman to Virgil and back again, Patton couldn’t believe his dreams were coming true.

“This isn’t a dream, right?” he asks.

Virgil laughs lightly, pushing Roman down next to Patton on the couch then sits in his lap.

“This is very much real, Pat. You have nothing to worry about,” replies Virgil as he takes Patton’s hand.

Patton drapes his free arm over Logan’s shoulder, who moves closer to Patton before kissing him on the forehead.

“Indeed, we’re very much in love with you and none of us would have it any other way,” comments Logan.

Roman smiles at him contentedly.

A smile blossoms on Patton’s face – home really is where the heart is and he’s home.

[hollenius]

re neurodivergent headcanons in Breaking Bad/Better Call Saul, I think the first time (a year or so ago) I read something where someone online suggested Chuck was somewhere on the autism spectrum (high functioning/Aspergers), I laughed it off as a ridiculous suggestion, because he didn’t “fit” many of the stereotypical traits seen in other fictional characters or in the popular conception of the topic…but in retrospect, I think that came more from my misunderstanding of the “spectrum” part of it than anything else. It’s definitely a plausible/possible diagnosis comorbid with the anxiety disorder(s) he canonically has.

·         We know Chuck’s a good actor (e.g. his ability to fool Jimmy in “Klick”) and is able to mimic and slip into different sorts of social behaviors (e.g. his ability to social climb from a working class or lower-middle-class family to the world of white shoe law firms), so he’s probably capable of using masking in most public settings. This is apparently a more common trait in autistic women, but men do it as well, if less frequently.

·         Studies asking about the long-term effects of masking seem to imply it takes a physical/emotional/mental toll on the person using it, which might explain why, by the time we see him in BCS, the stress of acting “normal” in meetings and the like, when compounded with the worsening of his anxiety problems, leaves him curled up under a space blanket for hours or even days afterward. Trying to compensate for multiple issues at once is probably even more taxing.

·         He seems prone to getting overwhelmed by things and either shutting down or lashing out in reaction. The most extreme form of the former is when he goes catatonic for hours/days in response to being tazed or put in the CAT scan machine; the most extreme form of the latter is probably him completely losing it and shouting/crying/having to be physically restrained by the hospital staff because he’s so upset about being surrounded by lights/hooked up to an EKG/being recommended for a CAT scan.

·         Contrary to stereotypes, Chuck is decent at reading people (or at least he’s extremely good at reading his brother and knowing how he behaves) and he interacts well with people within a work context, but he doesn’t seem to have any friends outside of it, or much in the way of a social life–the other lawyers hold him in awe as a sort of glorified animate law encyclopedia, rather than someone they would want to hang out with or chat with informally. (Though Chuck doesn’t come across as the sort who would be interested in chit chat with coworkers anyway...) Being totally housebound and cut off from the outside world is upsetting to Chuck primarily because it interferes with his work as a lawyer–we never get the sense that he’s upset about it having any effect on his interpersonal relationships, because he doesn’t seem to have any. This is probably why losing Rebecca hit him so hard. He’s got almost nobody else, besides Jimmy and Howard, and he’s really not emotionally open and unguarded with anyone.

·         He’s got problems dealing with his emotions in general. Even when he’s trying to do his little pain/emotion/medication journal as part of his psychiatric treatment towards the end of season 3, he seems to struggle with articulating his emotional state–he’s just got “average” written down for most of the incidents he’s logged, but he’s not able to write down what his emotion is after he’s unable to sleep after insulting/lying to Jimmy to drive him away for the final time, and he seems to abandon writing in the journal after that & rapidly deteriorates psychologically. From what we see of him in the show, he seems to alternate between being extremely repressed and completely exploding and freaking out.

·         Some people have no interest in having or wanting friends, but I don’t think Chuck’s one of them. He seems pretty lonely. He remarks to Jimmy at one point in season 1 that he doesn’t really mind him hanging around to work on the Sandpiper case in his house because he’s glad for the company, which makes his systematic driving away of Jimmy and the few other people in his life all the sadder. The whole root of Chuck’s jealousy of Jimmy in the first place is that people like Jimmy, and they don’t like him. He makes attempts at being friendly, but struggles to do it on anything deeper than a surface level. (Of course, a lot of Jimmy’s friendliness and charm tends to be pretty shallow too, but I don’t know that Chuck really appreciates that or can tell the difference–all he sees are the results.)

·         He’s tone-deaf with jokes–he famously botches the attempt at a lawyer joke to his wife in the opening flashback in “Rebecca”, but he also makes an awkward attempt at humor when talking to Kim in a present-day scene later in that same episode (“the early bird gets the worm, which is good if you like worms”), which leads to some uncomfortable forced laughter from her. Some people are just serious by nature, but they probably wouldn’t bother trying to make jokes in the first place if that were the case. The fact that Chuck keeps trying to make jokes and failing suggests that there might be some impairment in that area. He sees Jimmy do it, and he sees it work for him, but can’t really manage it himself. (He seems to do ok with deadpan sarcasm though–that comment about young people loving local print journalism is probably my favorite Chuck quote.)

·         He’s very verbal and articulate, but his speech patterns can be a bit odd. He can be indirect and overly formal, which may or may not be an overcompensation for the more stereotypical autistic behavior of being too direct in speech as to be insensitive. He usually winds up still coming off as elitist and assholish anyway, though he may not be intending this/aware of this. When he’s nervous or upset, he tends to devolve into talking at people rather than to them, such as when he starts rambling on about probable cause and assorted legal precedents to the police officers who show up at his house in “Alpine Shepherd Boy”, without noticing that they aren’t even standing at the door anymore. He’s got a lot of information rattling around in his head, which he throws out as a defense, but not always in a way that is helpful; I don’t think talking about Latin translations of the Hippocratic Oath to the doctors sedating him without his consent before sending him in for a CAT scan is doing him any good (NB: the actual Hippocratic Oath is in Greek anyway, and the phrase Primum non nocere dates from a later period, so either Chuck has no idea what he’s talking about, he’s conflating two related things, or he’s freaking out enough that he doesn’t really care at this point).

·         He seems to ignore other people when they’re talking to him altogether if something sets him off or distracts him–when Howard tells him about Kim quitting HHM and teaming up with Jimmy, Chuck immediately tunes him out, to the point where Howard has to ask him if he’s still listening. Chuck says he is, but then walks off in the middle of Howard talking because he’s still distracted by what he said before, sending a confused/concerned Howard following after him. This is at its most extreme when he goes into his rant in “Chicanery” and is totally oblivious to both Galley pleading with him to stop and everybody else in the room staring at him in growing horror/disbelief until he’s far past the point of no return.

·         I’m actually sort of curious about Chuck’s abilities in court prior to the visible deterioration of his mental health, because although he clearly knows a lot about the law, his personality is a bit off-putting. I don’t know if he just sort of brute-forced his way through things because of his knowledge of obscure case law, because based on what I know from the lawyers I’m friends with, there are all sorts of subjective factors that can come into play in a court setting. The sort of things that would drive someone like Chuck nuts, like jurors who deliberately choose to ignore evidence because they’ve decided in advance that they don’t want to convict someone of a crime. (To be fair, this would also drive me completely insane, because I have a really hard time at my own job dealing with people who think the rules shouldn’t apply to them for various reasons.)

·         Chuck has an EXTREMELY black and white view of the world, and a sort of obsession with the authority of law and the importance of following the rules. He’s got really strong perfectionist tendencies within himself. I think a lot of why he gravitates toward the law is that he seems to find all the rules and procedures comforting, in a way--there’s a uniformity to the way the legal world works, and a framework in which everything proceeds--constraints which are equally binding on all participants.

·         Maybe he just knows a ton about the law because he’s a lawyer, but it might also fall into the case of it being a special interest, since his knowledge of obscure case law seems to be regarded as extensive and superlative even by other lawyers. (He reads FEC and ISO reports for fun!)

·         There’s something slightly elliptical about his thinking, and he doesn’t seem to realize that other people aren’t following his thought patterns. (He repeats his “One after Magna Carta!” justification for knowing the Mesa Verde address to Kim and Jimmy  in season 2 as well as to the officials from the Bar in season 3, which seems to suggest that he thinks it is a very obvious and logical connection that other people should grasp, though I’m not sure that it actually is outside of his head.)

·         I’m not entirely sure where the line between nervous tics and stimming is drawn, but he’s got a lot of little fidgety behaviors that come out especially when he’s stressed, especially scratching or shaking or wringing his hands. (The script to “Chicanery” indicates that he’s nearly drawing blood from digging into his hands while on his big rant, but it’s not visible onscreen because we’ve got that wonderful/agonizing slow zoom onto his face instead.) It's not clear if it predates the EHS or not. Sometimes there’s a clear tie in his behavior to perceived pain from electricity, but sometimes there’s not--sometimes it seems to result from him trying to distract himself from the electricity instead, like when he’s trying to stand outside the house for two minutes in “Bingo”. Sometimes he does it while he’s standing around in his house, thinking about something else, like while rehearsing arguments against Jimmy before he heads in to court in “Chicanery”.

·         There’s a pretty strong preference for routine/predictability & distress when it’s altered. (Most people probably would not get so suspicious if a single newspaper wasn’t delivered one day, for example. If it was repeated or frequent or a pattern, yes, but not for a single paper.) His control issues are brought up pretty frequently in fandom discussions; maybe he’s a jerk, maybe he’s just not able to function well in unpredictable situations, maybe it’s a little of both (e.g. Chuck being really bothered by Ernie bringing him the wrong kind of apples, then saying that it didn’t really bother him that much...but then telling Ernie to write it down so that he would get the right apple the next time, indicating that he actually WAS bothered by it)

·         It’s possible his perceived sensitivity to electricity grew out of an existing natural sensitivity or aversion to extremes in light or sound or anything else, but this is pure conjecture because we get so few flashback scenes. (Speaking only from personal experience, I don’t think I’m hurt by electricity, but I can hear lights when they’re turned on, and get uncomfortable/anxious under certain types of light, like fluorescents in big box stores when out shopping, so maybe someone who’s more sensitive to sensory things in general might be more prone to developing a sort of learned distress out of that.)

All of this is very inconclusive! But it’s totally plausible as a reading of the character.

[completeoveranalysis]

TRC Translation notes Volume 18 (Chapters 133 - 140)

Even more incredible translation notes from the wonderful @giniroangou? I got you covered!

Highlights include: acid punk chapter cover mysteries finally solved, soul/body separation foreshadowing, oaths!, Lantis and co. actually becoming competent, character motivations making sense, intentional ambiguities, fun chess vibes, and Sakura’s heart breaking in slow motion.

Chapter 133

Cover page - Per the art book commentary, the panels in this picture were intended to be things the characters either threw away or decided they no longer want.

p.8 - The word “kokoro” comes back here, this time translated as “mind.” The description of Sakura’s body as a “vessel” is from the original text. There’s definitely been a theme of the mind/heart/soul being a separate (though not necessarily unconnected) entity from the body running through both the plotline and the language the characters use.

p.10 - As in previous scenes, the original text preserves the distinction between the two Syaorans by only placing Lava Lamp’s name in quotation marks.

p.14-15 - There were no exclamation points in these lines originally, which I feel implies more of a defeated tone.

p.19 - Yuuko’s line here isn’t necessarily about creation, though it could be interpreted that way. In the original text it’s, “For the sake of two futures.”

p.20 - Yuuko says that it is both the price Lava Lamp and the others paid, as well as their hearts (“kokoro” again) that will ensure Watanuki doesn’t vanish.

p.24 - The wording in the translation was a little confusing, but I think the concept got across. Just in case, Yuuko explains here that worlds are able to endure precisely because everything maintains a balance. If a world loses that balance, it will fall apart.

Chapter 134

p.35 - Sakura’s lines have been mistranslated here. She’s asking if Fai is hiding what he really wants to do because she said she was going to go. Essentially she’s worried that Fai is prioritizing her desires over his own, that he would have made a different choice without her influence.

p.36 - The original nuance is a little different in a couple of Fai’s lines. He says to Sakura, “I’m a wizard who can’t even heal your wounds, but will you allow me to stay with you?” As a side note: the English “wizard” is the actual word Fai uses to refer to himself - it’s written in katakana as the reading above the kanji for “majutsushi”/“mage.” (I feel like this has come up before, but… it’s been a while.)

p.37 - Just to clarify how this line appears in Japanese, “My only Princess” is written in kanji in a much more formal manner than Fai would normally use (我が唯一の姫君) with the reading above in katakana as “Vi la princia” (ヴイ・ラ・プリンシア). Additionally, the entire phrase is in quotation marks, enhancing the impression that it is an established oath of some sort.

p.38 - Kurogane could be referring to one thing or to multiple things that have changed - the word in Japanese is non-specific.

p.39 - I’m not sure why there’s a “But” in front of Kurogane’s line in this translation, since this follows directly off of his line from the previous page. It should be more along the lines of, “I guess it’s okay to make more than one promise.”

Chapter 135

p.51 - Sakura’s thank you feels super extreme in the official translation, but originally all she said here was, “Thank you.”

p.53 - The promise Fuuma mentions is presented in contrast/in addition to the jobs he does for Yuuko - after describing his payment process to her he says, “Well, I made another promise too, though.”

I interpreted Fuuma’s last line here not as a reference to the needs of the group, but to the fact that they’re probably going to have a hard time getting Sakura’s feather back from Seishirou.

p.62 - Yuuko says she’s going to purify the egg before she passes it on.

p.65 - Yuuko isn’t talking about a single unchanging feeling here, but saying that people’s true feelings cannot be changed.

Chapter 136

p.74-76 - Fun fact: The “READY…. GO!!” on these pages was originally written in English.

p.79 - Eagle remarks that BOTH Sakura and her pieces are incredible. The word for piece is written with the kanji used for shougi and chess pieces and the like (駒) but the reading is given in katakana as the English word “piece” (ピース).

p.81 - The point Geo’s making here should be that all three “pieces” DON’T seem to be amateurs.

p.82 - After pointing out Fai’s defensive technique, I’m fairly certain Lantis is saying that it seems unlikely Fai has always fought in that style.

P.84 - Lantis doesn’t describe them as “useful,” but as “masters” (of fighting).

Chapter 137

p.97 - The translation covers this up a bit, but Fai’s first line here is expositional - he’s just saying that they know there’s a feather in this world, not really asking about it. He is also still referring to Syaoran as “Syaoran-kun,” they just missed the honorific in the English version.

p.110 - I just want to drop another quick reminder here about Lava Lamp’s speech style, because the translation doesn’t do it justice at all. What’s been translated as “You too. Please get some sleep yourself,” was not actually a polite request. Lava Lamp refers to Kurogane directly as “you” (“anata”) and ends his sentence in a casual imperative (“yasundekure”). Despite the father/son vibe in the preceding scene, he speaks to Kurogane as an equal.

p.111 - Once again, there are quotation marks around Kurogane’s name when Fai says it, so it’s even more in-your-face in the Japanese version than the italics of the official translation.

Chapter 138

p.115 - Fai’s line is a bit less clear-cut in the original text. This is another case where there are no pronouns used, so from the line itself you can’t tell whether he’s speaking for himself alone or not and you also can’t tell whether he’s vowing to keep the whole group from getting hurt vs, say, just Sakura. However you choose to take this line is up to the context of the scene and how you view Fai as a character in this moment.

p.116 - Clow doesn’t ask if Sakura is looking at the ruins - she offers that information herself.

p.117 - Sakura’s description of the ruins is a little different in her original line - she says that there may be precious items from the country’s past buried there. (The word she uses for what might be buried is “mono,” which could be either singular or plural, but plural seems the most logical in this situation.)

p.118 - The word that’s been translated as “that special someone” is “daisuki na hito” in Japanese, which can mean, “The person you love,” but also alternatively, “Someone you love.” It doesn’t necessarily imply a romantic partner.

p.121 - A couple little tweaks here: The word “eye” has quotation marks around it in the original text. It could potentially be plural or singular, but given the context and the quotes singular seems more appropriate. Clow doesn’t specifically say anything about a message, just an inability to reach (so this could refer to a message, but also to feelings, to someone reaching out for something, etc.) He speaks only of a desire to protect, rather than a need or the actual act occurring: “But even so, you want to protect (insert missing pronoun here).” Basically, Japanese is the ideal language for a scene like this, because its ambiguity gives many of these lines a versatility they don’t have in English and allows them to apply to multiple situations at once, as you discussed in your liveblog.

p.123 - Again, the implication that protection is an obligation wasn’t in the original text. Lava Lamp is stating what it is he’d decided: To protect no matter what.

p.124 - Another punctuation tonal shift here: instead of “Sakura!” this was originally “.... Sakura.”

p.127 - Fai’s original line is a bit less flippant than the translated version, just, “Those look like they’d be painful if you hit them.”

Chapter 139

p.141 - “Becoming lost” is one way to translate this line, but it might be more natural to say that Sakura is hesitating or wavering.

Chapter 140

p.161 - Just for fun: the original text on this page is kind of wild aesthetically. “Checkmate” is written in katakana, what’s been translated as “black team” is just the word “black” written in kanji with katakana above it giving the reading as “black” in English, and then “WIN!” entirely in English.

p.162 - Fai’s lines on this page are spoken with more certainty - he’s not supposing, just stating facts. He describes Lava Lamp’s experiences as, “He’s lived through the same days as Syaoran-kun.”

p.169 - Significantly (maybe?) there shouldn’t be any quotation marks when Mokona says “Syaoran” here. It feels less alienating this way.

p.170 - Kurogane actually asks if Mokona is planning to drink the whole thing, bottle and all. I-is she trying to send it to Yuuko?

p.171 - Sakura’s line here isn’t, “I know!” but “.... I know.” (Once again, I’m not mentioning nearly all of these punctuation differences, but when they seem to drastically change the tone I can’t help pointing them out.)

p.172 - A couple of Sakura’s lines were changed in the translation. She originally says that even if Lava Lamp served as Syaoran’s basis, she knows that “just like those we’ve met in various worlds up until now, his appearance is the same but he’s a different person.”

p.173-174 - Since this was apparently confusing (and partially mistranslated) Sakura says here that each time she sees similarities between Lava Lamp and Syaoran (and there are many) she can’t handle it. Each time she notices these things she can’t help lamenting that the person in front of her isn’t her Syaoran.

[reactionaryhater]

Watch Innuendo Studios’ video “There is Always a Bigger Fish” and give us your thoughts on it.

Sounds interesting enough.  I’m busy this week, but I’ll give it a look tonight and more or less stop to jot down my thoughts as they come.  Warning:  This will be LONG and RAMBLING.

The topic of the video, as Innuendo Studios (IS) claims, is “the core ideology of conservatism.”  I should start by saying I’m not a conservative, in fact I’m ideologically at odds with much of what our Republican party does. Additionally, I’ve never really understood conservatism as a general concept.  Like, if you bring up liberalism, or socialism, or progressivism, or whatever you call the Democratic party, I know some basic markers that distinguish these from other political beliefs.  Conservatism, I’m not so sure.  There’s the idea of small government and traditional values, but these are both relative to our society.  And when they come at odds, which does the ideological conservative choose?  So on that note evaluating this video might be difficult.

“Say for the sake of argument, you’ve got this friend.”

Oh boy, here comes a self insert fic.  I’d like to call this a strawman, but I can’t have it both ways now.  I will say arguing politics by private message sounds a bit pathological to me.……cough…Okay will this bickering be on the test?

“Republican thought.”

Okay, we’re not talking about core ideological conservatism here, we’re talking about Republicans.  Good to keep in mind.

“If you didn’t believe your friend shared these assumptions, you’d basically be calling him a fascist or a sadist.”

That says quite a bit about the breadth the word “fascism” has for IS.  Anyone who doesn’t believe “Do unto others” and isn’t clinically disordered is a fascist.

“And you conclude that, if you believe in democracy, you must believe in equality, and, if you believe in equality, you must believe in equal access to education, and must conclude that governments should help pay tuition.”

This is a chain argument, or to put it another way, a train of association.  IS makes three logical steps which he outlines, from one thought to another.  In principle, they look good and sound.  In reality, many assumptions are made and many possible alternatives ignored, each step of the way.  That means the more steps he makes, the more distant he gets from the starting point by an exponential factor.

Let’s start with the first conclusion: Democracy means everyone is equal.  He suggests democracy doesn’t work unless everyone is equal (such as in education).  I think the people who started the practices of democracy were much smarter than that.  Even when all voters had to own land, they would have known not everyone was equally educated, equally virtuous, and equally informed.  That was never the point.  Democracy doesn’t assume everyone is equal, it assumes the majority of active citizens have the best interests of their society in mind.

I’d also like to point out how he ought to be explaining his belief that everyone is “equal but not equal.”  Remember that meme about the fence?  Different heights.  If anything it’s the conservatives and the “privilege deniers” who believe in the most present equality.  Now in an ideal world, if everyone is equal, they can surely educate themselves.  But they’re not equal.  But they SHOULD be equal.  So they need assistance to become equal.  Who’s going to MAKE us equal?  He assumes the government in the third conclusion.  But when did the government gain a monopoly on the power to enact change?

“He is often misinformed, but what if that isn’t the problem? What if he… actually believes something else?”

Uh oh, question begging incoming.

“A liberal is someone who tends to think democratically, and a conservative is someone who tends to think like a capitalist.”

I don’t accept this definition for ideological roots or for the parties as a whole, but I accept it for certain segments of the US political sphere. Those segments may not be equally represented or influential.  They’re there, though, so that’s a start.

“It’s an egalitarian mindset; people gain power by…”

HAHAHAHAHAHA.  I’m sorry, I just can’t.  I can’t help myself. I must meme.

I get that he goes on to give the “People have the power” line, but that is a bit different.  We the people ordained the Constitution, which grants power according to rules, and so on.  We are not a direct democracy, nor, do I think, anyone today would believe our elected officials are mere employees.

“This is the idea of democracy, with the history of democracy being riddled with failures to live up to this ideal”

Not even IS, and as I said, pure egalitarianism is not by design in the US.  I want to be clear I’m not saying egalitarianism is bad, nor am I saying that people should not be treated with equal degrees of respect –  this is a very different discussion.  I’m just addressing his claims about our political foundations here.

I agree with his description of capitalism.

I disagree that conservatives believe hierarchy is man’s natural state.  Many many conservatives are devout Christians, and in Christian tradition, everyone in theory is equal under God. Many conservatives also believe capitalism is a means toward increasing the quality of life for all people.

“Power has to be earned.”

You mean *cough* by garnering votes?  I mark this point as where he inserts the straw man that conservatives all want black people to be under Jim Crow again, which sure is a talking point of the far left, isn’t it, and yet not a talking point of the Republican party.

“All citizens are equal…is a legal fiction.”

So I wrote about how he cannot believe in equality before hearing this point, and honestly now.  Someone who believes all people are equal does not advocate for money for the poor, because there are no poor.  This sounds silly for me to say, but until he either defines equality in concrete terms or concedes that his equality is an “ought” not an “is” (bringing himself about halfway to this capitalist conservative) we won’t be able to go any further.

“Of any issue, simply ask: does this distribute power, or consolidate it?”

Does IS desire a more powerful central government, or a less powerful central government?

“If you’re in the middle, then you serve the king. Valar dohaeris. But, to everyone beneath you, you are the king.”

Ah, the privilege argument rears its ugly head at last.  IS apparently thinks we live in, and the honest to God best analogy I can make here is, Soviet Russia at the height of corruption.  Peons lick the boots of paper pushers.  IS is right when he says he and conservatives can’t communicate, because the world he perceives is not the United States or just about any other developed nation.  Here, paper pushers are treated like crap just as much, in fact, usually treated like crap by two sides.  By the same token, a poor person’s vote is equal to a middle class vote (but only the rich have enough money to buy power, or a seat in college, or have the connections to get the job).

“And getting pissed at those above implies that those below have a right to be pissed at you.”

Just to hammer it home, this statement necessitates that middle management has real power to enact their own will, and everything I’ve heard from and about people in middle management suggests otherwise.  Analogize to the mythical power of merely being white / male or white / male passing.

“A slight on them is a slight on all of us.”

All republicans are racist hillbillies stereotype.I notice how he just slipped this in without even a logical progression.  In his grand argument, it’s actually a new premise.

[Analogy to Kingdom Hearts]

I don’t even.

“Savvy viewers may be remembering another political philosophy that is hierarchical, undemocratic, built on nostalgia, and that likes to cloak its policies in progressive camouflage”

Ooo, ooo, it’s the one I was just talking about, Soviet Russia.  Oh, nope, I apologize, he has a single word that makes this answer slightly less than ideal, “nostalgia.”  With that word, the answer is

“Fascism.”

Who knew nostalgia was of such moral consequence.

“If you don’t like what a business is doing, you don’t regulate it, you take your money elsewhere. You should favor the capitalist solution, not the democratic one.”

Is the collective action of masses to speak their mind not democratic?  I understand if his intention is to claim the business will survive despite protest, but he doesn’t claim that.  This implies an unusually limited definition of “democratic”: it must compel the operation of government.  Whereas fascism and capitalism are defined broadly enough to describe associated, sometimes partial associated, values.  I’m not sure what he’s trying to accomplish with this difference of definition, but it’s worth noticing.

“They will never be onboard with aiding the poor in any systemic way, and will, instead, champion charity and crowdfunding, because minnows getting to eat should always be framed as a gift rather than a right.”

Two things.  First, charity is systemic. Crowdfunding is systemic, though maybe short-lived.  I guess “systemic” now shares the same anemia of definition that “democratic does” in it must only apply to government action.  (Unless it’s systemic racism…)  Second, conservatives cannot believe both that minnows work for their own food (“How resourceful were you? How well did you play?”) and minnows only survive by being given food.

“But as long as you are trying to meet this mentality in the middle, you are leaving the door open for fascists.”

Did I predict that he hates moderates? Darn, I don’t think I wrote that one down.  Well, another day, another radical.

“I recommend this one, because egalitarian thinking is one thing Nazis are bad at infiltrating.”

But people like Pol Pot are good at infiltrating it and, like, shooting a fifth of the population in a field.

Again, I don’t dislike egalitarianism, but that’s a pretty shallow argument in its favor.

I guess the sum of this video is to claim that conservatism is somehow the worship of capitalism, and then that conservatism is like fascism, and fascism shares a “hierarchical mindset” with capitalism.  But he can’t bring himself to claim fascism is an extension of capitalism, because that would have us all wondering why Adolf Hitler went around decrying, “plutocracies in which a tiny clique of capitalists dominate the masses.“

So again we get an argument from looks-a-little-like.  Fascism looks-a-little-like hierarchy, and so does capitalism.  Nevermind so do state-based communism, socialism, regulatory agencies, even labor unions, and any organization that claims to be [inter]national.  And our Democrats sure haven’t slowed down the hierarchy of our government.

On a final note, I kept getting confused thinking “bigger fish” was about the phrase “bigger fish to fry” until I went through the whole video and realize, no, it’s supposed to be “big fish in a small pond.”  You know, like that Coldplay song.  “Lost!”

Probably should have cleared things up and titled the video, “Lost!”

[lilietsblog]

rationality vs ethics (written for a discord discussion)

Eliezer himself points out at one point that brains have very limited calculation capability, and always reach for shortcuts. A situation in which you need to react quickly is not a situation where you're going to have the luxury of doing long math on utils, it's a situation where you're going to need to reach for a shortcut, for a ready solution cached in your brain. That's what conventional morality, what the 'warm fuzzy feeling in the brain', is for. No, it's not perfect. It doesn't always work. But it works very much more often than not.

Imagine that you're in a situation that looks to you exactly like the trolley problem. There's a crowd of people watching with horror as a train is barreling towards a switch between a track with 7 people on it and a track with 1 person on it. You're the closest to the lever to divert the train and have 2 second to react. Scenario 1: you heroically leap into the fray, because you know exactly what the solution is from your extensive hours of debating it with friends, and pull the lever. 7 people saved, 1 person dead! Woo! Scenario 2: you stand frozen, because your animal brain is screaming at you that both solutions are WRONG. Meanwhile, another person leaps into the fray a second later than you would have. Because you didn't pull the lever, the trolley is still rolling towards the 7 people, but they happen to be lying on the rails a litle further than the 1 person, giving this other person time to reach the train and pull its emergency brake (the existence of which you did not know about period, because you're not a train engineer and this person is). You're not an ethicist hero, but also nobody is dead!

I would argue that this situation is more representative of reality than the trolley problem as normally formulated. We never know all the variables. We are not perfect experts on everything. Standing frozen in the face of a horrifying situation and hoping someone else can do things better than you may be counterintuitive if you're used to treating ethical situations like pure math, but they aren't. Postulating an ethical problem and saying "assume there are no other consequences and no third alternative" is like saying "solve this equation if 2+2=3". It contradicts a fundamental part of how ethics works. It's not ethical to assume that there are no consequences to your actions than those you know about and that there's no third alternative. Because it's factually wrong most of the time. And if you train your mind to solve theoretically abstract ethical problems, you can leave a trail of destruction through IRL problems that are too complex for you to solve *better* than by going for the most intuitive, feels fuzzy-good solution.

Here's an IRL example: the problem of spanking children. You might or might not be amazed (I don't know your life) at the number of people who still insist that spanking is good and beneficial for children. There's extensive research on the topic that all points to it being harmful; furthermore, it's morally intuitive that hitting a child is worse than not hitting a child, and that in a situation where hitting a child seems like a solution, you should keep looking for another option. But how do we discipline children, then! cry the spanking advocates. Children unspanked devolve into anarchy and disobedience! There's no other way to teach them good from bad, and the utlity of the teaching moment outweighs momentary hurt! If hitting a person has utility -1, and I hit my child once to teach them not to hit people, and they don't hit people from then on, then the cost/benefit equation is obvious! And the people who've actually done research on the topic clutch their temples and say listen... There IS a third alternative. Which has been proven to work. Which has been proven to work better. And hitting a child to teach them not to hit doesn't work, they just learn that it's okay for those who are stronger / authority figures to hit and that you're a hypocrite. And if you are refusing to absorb this information, maybe you should not be allowed near children. This is not an anecdote about how maybe people who don't believe in science should not be allowed near children (though between this and anti-vaxx movement there's a strong case for that conclusion XD) This is an anecdote about how before science came along and provided a way to know for certain, people who followed the moral impulse of 'hitting children is bad' and looked for the third alternative, disbeliving the utility logic known at the time, did better on child rearing than people who took a rationalist-like approach, calculated utils and stopped there.

I don't know how this reflects on Friendly AI research. I'm one person, I don't know enough about the Friendly AI problem, and I know that according to the moral philosophy I follow ("the less of an expert you are on a topic, the less valuable your ethical opinions are on it"), I should not be offering solutions. Well, I mean, there's legitimately no harm in offering and debating solutions on a problem this abstract - I'm not likely to encounter an IRL Friendly AI-related ethical problem and cock it up because deep theory gave me a bad ethical shortcut, am I?

Apply this to child rearing though - an obviously complex tangled web of cause and effect that always has factors you don't know about in the life of every single child, where every single development can have butterfly effect on the outcome depending on other variables - and the problem becomes much more glaring.

You cannot solve ethics with equations because you never, ever, ever have enough priors.

Yes, a theoretical omniscient omnipresent entity with perfect knowledge of all cause-effect chains *could* solve ethics with equations. It could know exactly which person to kill in order to avoid the deaths of millions down the line.

What's more likely: that we're going to build one like that soon, or that we're going to build a simpler one taking input from limited sources that needs to obey conventional morality shortcuts in order to not fuck up in complex situations?

(One simplest shortcut being "if you aren't sure, don't interfere")

(I think that's one thing we really do need to teach AIs in order to avoid catastrophe: if you aren't sure, don't interfere. If I happened upon a baby god, omnipotent but confused about ethics and wiling to take input, that’s how I’d urge it to act)

I'd put it like this: knowing consequences perfectly screens off conventional wisdom. If It Is Said That Breaking Things Is Bad, but the thing in your hands is an egg and you're going to make fried eggs, you can screen off conventional wisdom for this one and be certain that it does not apply.

If It Is Said That Hitting Children Is Bad, and you've got a child in front of you that seems in dire need of being hit, you cannot solve this equation from just the premise I provided here.

This is why my brain tends to fizzle out on ethical dilemmas on the scale of Black subjugating Callow in order to stop the wars in the region. His intention is that the long-reaching consequences of the action will be good enough to override immediate harm. Will they? Will it work? How much has he managed to minimize immediate harm? How ethical the action is rather strongly depends on his actual competence and expertise. I can't just look at the situation and say that it's an ethical decision or an unethical decision, because ethics is always a gamble. You're always betting on your solution being better than the alternative, you never know for certain. All I can really evaluate is his priorities in making the decisions, and how much I like / don’t like them.

This is what separates ethical problems from non-ethical problems, like whether it's okay to break an egg. When the problem is simple enough for you to not be gambling, it's not an ethical problem.

(Now, if it's someone else's egg, but that someone has more eggs and a lot of other food and they might not mind you taking one egg and you're really really hungry right now...)

This is also my problem in evaluating how I think of Wandering Bard: it literally depends on her competence. If her plans are like "everything's chugging along as planned, just need to tug a curtain here or there to make things go even better" that makes ethical evaluation of things like killing Sabah and sacrificing Hedge and Ash rather different than if her plans are like "shit shit shit why can't more than one thing work right at a time gotta go try something else". To say nothing of Second Liesse.