#This isn't to make anyone feel bad
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I think some people treat Astarion too much like a fragile porcelain doll sometimes.
Listen, I completely understand the instict to be super gentle and never push anyone to do something they don't want to. But that's just the thing. Astrion doesn't do it if he doesn't want to. If you don't push him into sleeping with you in act II, he doesn't. If you don't have enough approval at the party, he doesn't propose sex. He WANTS to. The reasoning behind why he wants to may be a bit fucked up in the beginning, but if he didn't at least like you a little he wouldn't bring it up. If he didn't want to try experiencing other forms of sex again with the drow twins, he wouldn't agree. In fact, if you ask him before his personal quest is over he tells you pretty plain that he doesn't want to. He's very clear about boundaries and consent is VERY important to him. If he doesn't want to, he won't. This is also demonstrated with his reaction to the astral touched tadpole. It's a VERY clear "no".
He wants to enjoy sex again. He wants his mind to match his body's desires. He is SUPER into the player. He wants to be able to have that kind of intimacy with them.
Does that mean he doesn't struggle still during the act? Of course not. Healing isn't linear. I remember shortly after a particularly bad experience my body would refuse arousal. I was with someone I love deeply and my mind was in the right place, but my body just refused to cooperate. I feel like Astarion goes through something similar, but reversed. His body takes over (muscle memory most likely, he's done this MANY times) and his mind receeds. Having an orgasm while dissociated is not a pleasant experience. But again, if he didn't want to try, he wouldn't. He can communicate his boundaries and when he feels uncomfortable. It's not the players job to protect the smol precious sex repulsed bean. He's figuring it out on his own terms and the best thing the player can do is listen.
#I know this is a weirdly direct way to refer to a fictional character and he's not real#but idk I've just seen too many fics and takes with this mentality lately#of this sweet uwu broken man who doesn't know how to voice when he doesn't want something so you have to do it for him#it irks me#being someone who has gone through something similar.#This isn't to make anyone feel bad#it's just my thoughts#baldur's gate 3#bg3#bg3 astarion#baldurs gate 3#astarion ancunin#astarion#romanced astarion#astarion baldurs gate
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hehe ghost-turbo haunting felix au
turbo is connected to the last piece of his code in the whole arcade - a trophy he gifted to felix in mid 80s as a symbol of him genuinely caring about their relationships on par with being the best racer. felix also gave him one of his medals and both kept their gifts next to other rewards, but when roadblasters and turbotime were unplugged, the medal was gone with everything else
now, after burning in cola-lava turbo is basically dead, but scraps of his code still were intertwined with the trophy (after all, it was his first winner's cup, but felix never knew about it), giving turbo an opportunity to exist as a shadow incapable of interacting with anything and anyone besides felix, who kept the trophy even after the roadblasters incident
also I went crazy in tags, feel free to check them out
#turbo#turbotastic#fix it felix jr#80s boyfriends#hammertastic#headcanon about them exchanging their trophies isn't mine but i loved it A LOT#and “darling” is turbo making fun of how felix was calling him in 80s#this hc about “doll” and “darling” pet names also is not mine but i adore it#turbo here is a complete freak who just stays around felix most of the time even when felix has moments with calhoun#and felix is an ass who keeps secrets from everyone bc he doesn't want his dirt to come out#he's ashamed of his previous relationship with turbo and doesn't want anyone to know any details#and calhoun to just know about it#this just gets worse and worse#they also didn't actually break up and were still technically dating when turbo went gamejumping#and he's mad af at felix because he's the reason ppl in the acrade made a boogeyman out of turbo and he couldn't come back#like imagine your bf says to you what you are better than others think of you#and then behind your (presumably dead) back tells everyone that you're just an egocentric maniac#i believe turbo has other reasons why he gamejumped (besides jealousy which took place but wasn't the most important reason)#and felix is an unreliable narrator#so yeah turbo HATES his ass#(but still would-) no im not making it suggestive#anyway i hc that turbo had put A LOT of emotions in this relationship even tho he's bad at this#he tried his best with felix but they were just making each other worse#and turbo while feeling betrayed never really moved on (yes even after 25 years he's PATHETIC)#and felix is just full of regret about everything but he won't admit his mistakes in his relationship with turbo#bc “well he turned out to be a bad person so that automatically makes me in the right about everything”#but felix had made a lot of bad decisions while dating turbo and was just classically ignorant about a ton of things#sorry about this random ass essay in tags i'm done for now#wreck it ralph#wir
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We are interrupting our regularly scheduled program to bring you a snippet of a potential ZoSan undercover as a married couple fic:
(Timeline wise shoehorned in sometime shortly after the timeskip, before the Strawhats make it back into the news big time.)
(People need saving from a exclusive circle of nobility, but most of the Stawhats have already been seen around the island, so the lot ends up on Zoro and Sanji to try get in posing as a freshly married couple on their honeymoon to try get more information.)
[after coming up with the plan and Zoro and Sanji hesitantly agreeing]
Robin: "You seem a little stressed, Cook-san."
Sanji, chain-smoking his third cigarette: "I'm fine, I'll do this… I just… I don't like lying about something as significant as marriage, alright? I know it's stupid, but that's just how I am."
Luffy, perking up from where one might have thought he wasn't paying attention at all: "Oi, Sanji, promise to protect Zoro?"
Sanji, puffing out smoke: "Obviously, the Marimo would get lost within all of two seconds without me having his back."
Luffy: "Good! Now, Zoro--!"
Zoro, already rising to the bait: "Oi, if anyone is protecting anyone, I'll be guarding your lanky ass, shit cook!"
Luffy, laughing: "Alright, then as the captain of this ship I hereby pronounce you married!"
Zoro:
Sanji:
Robin: "Oh my, congratulations!"
Brook: bursts into song
Luffy, grinning at Sanji: "See, now it's not a lie anymore, so you don't have to feel bad about calling Zoro your husband."
Zoro: "LUFFY!!! YOU CAN'T JUST--"
Sanji: wordlessly walks off to get ready for the mission
Usopp: "Wait, wait!" runs after Sanji, grabbing his wrist
Sanji: stares
Usopp, sweating nervously: "Need your ring size…"
Sanji: staring intensifies
Usopp, scurrying off as quickly as humanly possible: "Wedding gift!"
Luffy, in the distance, still being yelled at by Zoro: "Too bad we don't have time to celebrate, I really want some wedding cake… :("
#zosan#yes hello obviously i ship these idiots too#sanji actually makes use of his experiences on momoiro island and crossdresses for the sake of the mission#he's scary good at it too but no one asks for fear of sanji in a gorgeous dress kicking their heads off#maybe i have iva put them onto that mission in the first place simply because i think that would be funny#zoro is very confused but he won't have anyone claim he isn't treating his wife? husband? right even if its just for this mission#there's bed sharing; accidental cuddling; show kisses that feel too good; so so many endearments...#also zoro smoking with sanji because 'no fair woman of this status would ever be seen smoking moss head!'#zoro lighting one of sanji's cigarettes: 'you are a good wife indulging your new husband's bad vices then'#just zoro treating sanji every bit like he would a genuine partner and being stupidly endearing as he does#roronoa zoro#black leg sanji#monkey d. luffy#nico robin#one piece usopp#strawhat pirates#fake marriage#or is it?#one piece
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Thinking about that classic agere trope where the regressor borrows their cg's clothes (usually something along the lines of a hoodie or t-shirt) to wear, and while that's all fine and dandy like...please consider regressors that are much taller/heavier than their cg borrowing clothes and using them as a sort of lovey instead. Just hugging onto their jacket because it's so soft and smells like comfort.
#moon mumbles#disclaimer: this isn't to make anyone feel bad i was just (yet again) reminded about how the agere community often excludes some regressors#i.e. the stereotype that all regressors are small/tiny/feminine/white#often results in a large portion of people getting left out#plus! i just think its cute to have big teddy bear regressors carrying around their cg's clothes like a blankie thank you no people
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see like the thing with 'carewhumpers' as a concept to me is it just like... i know this is prrrrobably not really how it's meant but something skeeves me out about the idea that kindness or caretaking mixed in with hurting someone can somehow meaningfully complicate or dilute the harm done to the point of making that character no longer a 'whumper' whereas someone doing the same 'bad' things but not ever being gentle or caring for them would just be a straight-out whumper. when like... that's how 90% of irl abuse dynamics work? so i just... don't really get the point, i guess. like to me it implies something about the 'care' provided somehow mitigating or combating the harm done that. i just do not personally appreciate or enjoy.
#gav gab#just thinking out loud#like i don't think that's 'nuance' or 'grey characters' i think that's just an extremely common and typical dynamic of abuse#someone breaking your nose and then cleaning up the blood and tucking you into bed is not less like#violent or abusive or harmful than someone who just stops at breaking your nose yk#and i think that it can successfully be summarized by any number of other ways?#carewhumper is just not useful or meaningful shorthand to me the way caretaker/whumper/whumpee are#it implies that the word 'caretaker' or 'whumper' encompasses 100% of a person's constant behaviour#in a very flattened and simplistic way#please do not come at me about this im not saying this is how everyone means it this is just#how i personally feel about it#due to the way i approach these words#and im not trying to say anyone CANT write about very typical abusive dynamics#im just saying the elements of like. 'good' behaviour or 'kind' treatment#doesn't make the Bad Part any less real or bad#the way that 'carewhumper' being set as a different or distinct thing than 'whumper' implies to me#i just feel insane whenever i see people using the term tbh like this is probably a me thing#a very stupid distinction to get hung up on#but i just. im always like isn't that just a whumper who's nice sometimes#what is the utility of this word if not to imply that#someone being nice sometimes meaningfully combats how cruel they are other times#what part of 'whumper' means they always have to be violent and awful 24/7#and do not take this to mean caretakers are never allowed to fuck up#or do anything wrong or get frustrated#or anything like that but that is like#very distinct from being a whumper of any kind at all#like the idea that a 'whumper' can only be 100% a sadist who means to cause harm and intends to cause harm every time is like#cmon now
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this is not a ship post, but something that frustrates me a lot in fanon concerning Jason Todd that attempts to soften Jason's return to Gotham for the sake of found family domesticity or easy hurt/comfort or just sliding him into the Batfam sooner, is they all seem to fundamentally misunderstand Jason.
because there seem to be a lot of fandom popular concepts of Jason coming home much sooner and just not having his whole Under The Red Hood arc. which in theory is fine and i can see the want to simplify canon to make room for your lighthearted more fluff-leaning concepts. but in everyone without fail, the way they address the clown-shaped elephant in the room is by having some throwaway line that "oh Jason quietly kills the Joker and moves on".
when the Joker being dead or alive is not the *point*. if by some chance accident, the Joker had died prior to Jason's return, whether by ridiculous freak accident, getting whacked by a fellow villain, hell even someone actually doing so to avenge Jason, it *would not* satiate Jason's anger. because Jason's end goal in UtRH is not to simply kill the Joker: it is to make *Bruce* kill the Joker. Jason's anger is directed to the idea that to Jason, if Bruce truly loved Jason, he would've killed the Joker. that is love, for Jason. compromising your personal values for love and not letting someone go unavenged. when Jason was Robin, almost every angry or misguided thing he did was born of love. he wanted to kill/hurt Two-Face because he believed Dent killed his father. he was so angry at Felipe because an innocent woman was dead due to that man's actions. he wanted to save his mother in a situation he knew he shouldn't be in because he loved her. his anger, his violence, it is driven by love and feelings of righting wrongs. that is how he thinks wrongs *should* be righted. that is how you avenge and *love* someone.
because so long as Jason's return to Gotham doesn't end in Bruce killing the Joker (which, it never will bc Bruce is Bruce), Jason will never forgive Bruce. you cannot wave away the layers of hurt and complicated trauma by killing Joker offscreen. because Jason will still be angry that Bruce didn't avenge him. in his eyes, that means Bruce did not love him enough. he was not truly loved by Bruce the way he loved Bruce. bc Bruce was Jason's whole *world*. prior to being taken in, Dick and Tim, they had support systems. they had loved ones. they knew what stability and healthy family love looked like. Jason *didn't*. and that's not to say that Catherine Todd did not love him with her whole heart and thus he loved her, but it certainly wasn't a stable and safe support system for Jason to grow up in. Bruce was Jason's first real sense of a stable, healthy life. and so of course Jason poured everything into Bruce and loved Bruce so devoutly. Bruce was his world. like he says, if it had been Bruce, Jason would've stopped at nothing.
so his betrayal is rooted in that he was not avenged, not that Joker is alive. so long as the Joker does not die by Bruce's hands, it will never be enough for Jason. (in this era, at least.) notably, this is also why i don't think it would change a thing if Jason knew the whole "oh Bruce wanted to kill the Joker but Superman stopped him" tidbit that fanon has really latched onto as a way to pacify Jason's anger toward Bruce. Jason knowing that wouldn't change a thing, in my opinion. because Jason knows Bruce. and a tenant of Bruce's character is that he grapples with murder *every day*. the whole point is how *easy* it would be for him. he is a human weapon, trained by killers, trained to be deadly. he is the greatest strategist to exist. he knows he could kill someone and get away with it. *no* trace, no proof, nothing. and he knows he *wants* to. wants to kill the Joker, Joe Chill, anyone who's hurt him that viscerally.
but he *doesn't*. that's the point. Bruce wakes up every day with that question on his mind, and every day the answer is the same. Bruce's morality is not a decision he made in an alleyway when his parents died, it's a decision he continues to make every day and he *must* continue to make in order to remain who he is. Jason is quite familiar with the fact that Bruce grapples with this daily. i do not think it surprised nor fazed Jason to know that Bruce did *consider* killing the Joker. that he wanted to. maybe even planned to. but a consideration, a want, a plan, is just a thought. it's nothing substantial, and substance is everything to Jason. at the end of the day, Bruce didn't. he was talked down by *Clark* of all people with an excuse of diplomatic immunity, as if Jason and Bruce don't both know that Bruce could've *easily* found a way to make it look like an accident or some other loophole. because he's Batman. there's always a loophole. he always finds a way when he actually intends to. but he never actually intended to kill the Joker. so he didn't. and Jason would know that there was never an intent. it's an interesting piece of fodder to add to the nuance of Jason and Bruce, but honestly, i think it'd make Jason angrier to have that excuse thrown in his face. as if Bruce hasn't beaten Clark half a dozen times by now. it's a flimsy nonsense excuse that Jason would rip to shreds.
so while yes, i understand the wish for easy lighthearted fanfic that doesn't have to deal with the nuances of canon, i think that Jason's character will always be so deeply robbed and altered if you try to fix his thirst for vengeance with an off-page killing of Joker at Jason's hands. it was never the point. the point was that -in his own eyes- he wasn't loved enough for Bruce to make an acception. he realized that not even his *death* would come before Bruce's Mission. Jason truly believed that Bruce loved him and held him as the most important thing in the world, and now he has proof that Bruce didn't. because the Mission mattered more.
i'm not saying i have a solution to this conundrum if you're attempting to solve it for fanfic/fanon, nor am i even saying it's a bad thing it exists. i just think it becoming overwhelmingly common has led to misunderstandings surrounding Jason's motivations and feelings about this arc and it's an unsatisfying solution that only seeks to pacify Jason's rage and his trauma responses for the sake of found family-ification.
#necrotic festerings#jason todd#fandom meta#idk man this isn't too serious it's really just me noticing this becoming a dominate thing#also this post isn't a subtweet at literally anyone specifically#it's a commentary on a trend as a whole#so no one think i'm like. being shady pls.#and if you write jason killing the joker himself during this era that is okay and it's valid#i just don't want the fandom largely treating it as in character#but ooc fanfic is allowed to exist! that's valid yk!#also i once again wanna reiterate all of this is commentary on *this era*#this is a pre-flashpoint meta.#jason's realtionship to his trauma *wildly* changed in both new-52 and rebirth so yeah. he's at a point he's “moved on”#and either seeks to kill joker himself or seeks to just let go of the whole thing#depending on the arc#(but if i get into that then i get into my feelings on how jason has had no consistent characterization in the past decade. so.)#(that's a can of worms we're not opening here it will make some ppl mad and i'm not dealing with it.)#is this how i start writing serious character metas and not unhinged shippy ones. idk#i've got others in my head but#i fear the discourse#if the discourse on this post gets bad i will turn off replies and reblogs idc#this is me testing the waters. ig.#also if a single person tries to argue about tim not having a loving family i will bite you /lh#yes he did. the drakes make not have done the *best* job! i'm not arguing that.#but they loved him and he had a support system.
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actually i'm still thinking about the moral orel finale.
he has a cross on his wall. do you know how much i think about that bc it's a lot.
a lot of stories ((auto)biographical or fictional) centering escape from abusive/fundamentalist christianity result in the lead characters leaving behind christianity entirely. and that makes complete sense! people often grow disillusioned with the associated systems and beliefs, and when it was something used to hurt them or something so inseparable from their abuse that they can't engage with it without hurting, it makes total sense that they would disengage entirely. and sometimes they just figure out that they don't really believe in god/a christian god/etc. a healthy deconstruction process can sometimes look like becoming an atheist or converting to another religion. it's all case by case. (note: i'm sure this happens with other religions as well, i'm just most familiar with christian versions of this phenomenon).
but in orel's case, his faith was one of the few things that actually brought him comfort and joy. he loved god, y'know? genuinely. and he felt loved by god and supported by him when he had no one else. and the abuses he faced were in how the people in his life twisted religion to control others, to run away from themselves, to shield them from others, etc. and often, orel's conflicts with how they acted out christianity come as a direct result of his purer understanding of god/jesus/whatever ("aren't we supposed to be like this/do that?" met with an adult's excuse for their own behavior or the fastest way they could think of to get orel to leave them alone (i.e. orel saying i thought we weren't supposed to lie? and clay saying uhhh it doesn't count if you're lying to yourself)). the little guy played catch with god instead of his dad, like.. his faith was real, and his love was real. and i think it's a good choice to have orel maintain something that was so important to him and such a grounding, comforting force in the midst of. All That Stuff Moralton Was Up To/Put Him Through. being all about jesus was not the problem, in orel's case.
and i know i'm mostly assuming that orel ended up in a healthier, less rigid version of christianity, but i feel like that's something that was hinted at a lot through the series, that that's the direction he'd go. when he meditates during the prayer bee and accepts stephanie's different way to communicate, incorporating elements of buddhism into his faith; when he has his I AM A CHURCH breakdown (removing himself from the institution and realizing he can be like,, the center of his own faith? taking a more individualistic approach? but Truly Going Through It at the same time), his acceptance (...sometimes) of those who are different from him and condemned by the adults of moralton (stephanie (lesbian icon stephanie my beloved), christina (who's like. just a slightly different form of fundie protestant from him), dr chosenberg (the jewish doctor from otherton in holy visage)). his track record on this isn't perfect, but it gets better as orel starts maturing and picking up on what an absolute shitfest moralton is. it's all ways of questioning the things he's been taught, and it makes sense that it would lead to a bigger questioning as he puts those pieces together more. anyway i think part of his growth is weeding out all the lost commandments of his upbringing and focusing on what faith means to him, and what he thinks it should mean. how he wants to see the world and how he wants to treat people and what he thinks is okay and right, and looking to religion for guidance in that, not as like. a way to justify hurting those he's afraid or resentful of, as his role models did.
he's coming to his own conclusions rather than obediently, unquestioningly taking in what others say. but he's still listening to pick out the parts that make sense to him. (edit/note: and it's his compassion and his faith that are the primary motivations for this questioning and revisal process, both of individual cases and, eventually, the final boss that is christianity.) it makes perfect sense as the conclusion to his character arc and it fits the overall approach of the show far better. it's good is what i'm saying.
and i think it's important to show that kind of ending, because that's a pretty common and equally valid result of deconstruction. and i think it cements the show's treatment of christianity as something that's often (and maybe even easily) exploited, but not something inherently bad. something that can be very positive, even. guys he even has a dog he's not afraid of loving anymore. he's not afraid of loving anyone more than jesus and i don't think it's because he loves this dog less than bartholomew (though he was probably far more desperate for healthy affection and companionship when he was younger). i think it's because he figures god would want him to love that dog. he's choosing to believe that god would want him to love and to be happy and to be kind. he's not afraid of loving in the wrong way do you know how cool that is he's taking back control he's taking back something he loves from his abusers im so normal
#i had a really big fundie snark phase a year or two ago so that's part of like. this. but im still not used to actually talking about#religious stuff so if it reads kinda awkwardly uhh forgive me orz idk#maybe it sounds dumb but i like that the message isn't 'religion is evil'. it easily could have been. but i think the show's points about#how fundie wasp culture in particular treats christianity and itself and others would be less poignant if they were like. and jesus sucks#btw >:] like. this feels more nuanced to me. i guess there's probably a way to maintain that nuance with an ultimately anti-christian#piece of media but i think it'd be like. wayy harder and it's difficult for me to imagine that bc i think a lot of it would bleed out into#the tone. + why focus on only These christians when They're All also bad? so you'd get jokes about them in general#and i think that's kinda less funny than orel and doughy screaming and running from catholics lsdkjfldksj#i think the specificity makes it more unique and compelling as comedy and as commentary. but that's just me#like moralton represents a very particular kind of christian community (namely a middle class fundie wasp nest)#you're not gonna be able to get in the weeds as much if you're laughing at/criticizing all christians. but they accomplish it so thoroughly#and WELL in morel and i think that's because it chose a smaller target it can get to dissect more intimately. anyway#moral orel#orel puppington#(OH also when i say wasp here i mean WASP the acronym. as in white anglo-saxon protestsant. in case the term's new to anyone <3)#maybe it's also relevant to say that i'm kindaaaaaaaa loosely vaguely nonspecifically christian. so there's my bias revealed#i was never raised like orel but i like to think i get some of what's going on in there y'know. in that big autistic head of his#but it's not like i can't handle anti-christian/anti-religious media/takes. i'm a big boy and also i v much get why it's out there yknow#christianity in specific has a lot of blood on its hands from its own members and from outsiders and people have a right to hate it for tha#but religion in all its forms can be positive and i appreciate the nuance. like i've said around 20 times. yeah :) <3#(<- fighting for my life to explain things even though my one job is to be the explainer)
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Who had the worst time aboard the TARDIS?
TOURNAMENT MASTERPOST
#bad times: semis#vote tegan avenge peri#(sorry adric it probably is you but this is personal now)#okay for a justification#traumatic stuff happening to companions and them just rolling with it is how it goes in doctor who#even if they do choose to leave its not because they feel their trips in the tardis have been too horrifying for too long#its because they've found something they want to do more#or because they've always been trying to get home#this isn't a universal rule i can think of other people who left because they've had enough#but tegan's is probably the most notable to me#at the end of ressurection of the daleks#the doctor who story with the highest number of on screen deaths#she just goes nah this is too much i can't do this anymore#and its not just the last couple of days i've been fucking miserable for a while#and bails#(also this is after the heathrow business she's not been trying to get back for like 2 seasons now)#(also she had to deal with adric if anyone says adric had to deal with tegan its kill on sight#they are not the same thing adric constantly makes misogynistic comments towards tegan i don't care if she's mean back#like okay i think its in 4 to doomsday adric says she can't do something because she a girl#nyssa calls him out on this because its like her specialty and adric just goes oh i wasn't saying you couldn't do it nyssa#you don't really count as a girl#like tegan has a liscence to kill him in that moment imo)
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Them 💛☀️💙🌙🌿🌸🦉🦎
I'm so delighted I was finally able to get my hands on this pin- she's so pretty in-person!
#I have a few big grails (lmao) left but this was a big one ✅#I need to take a picture of my board so bad but I can't decide on the layout/I'm a lil afraid to stick them down 😭#also feel like I should make a proper pinsta purely so I can have a better place for an ISO list#merchandise#cassandra#rapunzel#I hope the pin posting isn't annoying? I feel like it's relevant enough for this tumblr#like it is fanmade merch/my collection#creator is GiGI/Gaggleofpins if anyone is wondering!#disney pins
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Lately, when I talk about someone I strongly disagree with, I think about my friends.
When I interact with someone who regularly rants about people, and tends to take things in the worst ways (without any attempts at self-reflection or grace), I feel more on-edge. I'm nervous to voice opinions. I'm always over-thinking everything I send them, worried about how they'll receive it.
On the other hand, I feel much safer during conversations where someone is speaking neutrally about those they feel at conflict with. When they feel upset about a situation, but without talking aggressively about the other person. Because I know that if we're ever in a disagreement, or have some sort of conflict or misunderstanding, they won't hurt me or suddenly hate me*.
I used to speak much more aggressively about people. My personality disorders, combined with online toxic environments, were big factors in that. I was stressed and angry constantly, and I felt justified, and I felt afraid and ashamed to respond with anything but anger. But to make a long story short, I had several big painful interpersonal experiences where I realized how my attitude was impacting my friends.
I remember the nervousness in my friends' eyes. I remember the people I've met who are much older and never grew out of that reactive communication style, and I don't want to be that person. I want my loved ones to feel safe around me.
So nowadays, I do my best to speak compassionately (or at least neutrally). Because I want to signal to my friends that I'm not going to be cruel to them, or to automatically believe the worst of them, during a conflict or misunderstanding. I try to vent about situations and my fears instead of people.
I wish I'd realized this before.
*(I discuss splitting in the tags)
#actuallynpd#actuallybpd#actuallyautistic#relationship advice#communication skills#I added the autism tag because we missed the social cues that would have alerted us of this early on#and that sure is a big thing we talk about in therapy.#Accidentally hurting people is so painful. We learned this back in 2020 and have been#practicing it ever since. We've wanted to share this with others because honestly a post like this would have prevented a lot of pain and#conflict.#And as promised; about the splitting-#This isn't a post meant to shame anyone for struggling with intense anger or distrust or splitting or any other symptom#My partner and I both have PDs. I've learned to self-regulate intense anger before venting. I've learned how to use more neutral words even#when I don't feel them. And when he splits on me he tells me he's having a BPD moment and that he needs some time alone#That's okay and healthy <3 Mental illness is tough. PTSD is tough. I often jump to the worst conclusions because I'm scared of being hurt.#I've just learned to handle it differently.#I wanted to clarify that because I don't want anyone to think they're inherently bad for having trauma reactions. My goal was to make the#type of post I needed back then when I lacked that social awareness. I had to work through a lot of guilt and shame and that was really#really hard. But it was so worth it. I'm so so glad she told me.
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Fighting off cold and flu has always been difficult for me and it's only getting harder as I get older. I find the transitioning from being "sick in bed" back to "functioning person" can often be the hardest part, especially when it comes to congestion which can take days if not weeks to clear up, so even if I'm able to walk around, do basic tasks, etc. I'm uncomfortable the whole way through. At least when it comes to my back pain, that's something that I'm used to and can predict and accommodate; getting sick is none of those things.
What's making it even more difficult this time around, compared to every other time, is the fact that I went from being healthy and medicated to sick and unmedicated. So that transition back into "functioning" is being slowed further by my returning inability to focus, to push myself through the uncomfortable feeling of doing literally anything, to be at peace with boredom.
Every single time I want to do anything that isn't laying in bed, it's met with both "I don't know if I'm physically capable of doing that because I'm sick" and "I don't know if I'm mentally capable of doing that because I'm off my meds."
And it's incredibly exhausting.
#self post#update#off topic#idk sorry for whining on main#my brain just. feels awful rn#part of me thought “huh i don't think being unmedicated is actually causing me issues”#but now that i'm on my third day (???) without meds i'm not feeling so sure LMAO#and for anyone wondering why i'm not taking them#it's because i have to play triage with my meds and treatment#i don't want to be stacking decongestants - some of which are designed to make me drowsy - on top of concerta which is a stimulant#this would kill the liver LMAO and also my brain would become an even bigger mess than it already is#so considering i'm on bedrest i've just decided to forgo taking my concerta meds until i don't need to be hopped up on sinus pills#then once the worst of the sick has passed and i can get by without needing pain and congestion relief i can go back on concerta#thankfully i was only on 18mg anyways so the crash isn't as bad as it would have been if i was taking stronger doses#but it still sucks and it means i'm at war both with the flu and my ADHD u.u
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i think that the major misinterpretation that people have with taco is that she didn't get attached to mic because of her sad face in the end wanted to show regret because "she hurted her friend". like. no, she wasn't sad because she regretted what she did. she was sad because she's alone again, but she knows very well at the end that she had it coming. the reason as to why taco was so desperate of wanting mic to tell her that she did gain something is because. she SAW pickle in mic, but of course their situation is very different. "Oh but Taco couldn't have done what she did to Mic to Pickle, Mic was fully aware" but she did do that. Mic herself says it. That is pretty much what II is telling you. Taco isn't a good friend, and is not exactly a good person either. Mic was aware that Taco was/is a bad person, but Mic's nature makes her believe in whoever acknowledges her. Taco made Mic feel like she needed her, just the way she made Pickle feel back in s1.
she didn't really change thanks to mic. her faces of "regret" aren't her actually lamenting all of the stuff she did to microphone, but rather just her realizing that she proved what everyone said about her as a result. i will give it to that she might've tried to change, but not because of mic. she wanted to win the prize so she could prove others wrong on her being a loser and a coward, by being a loser and a coward. if anything, mic made her realize that she hasn't changed. she pretty much just ruined everything for everyone who saw her as a friend, and for herself.
taco's whole arc is constantly just downgraded to questionable takes and listen. i do agree that she is heavily flawed as a character. she is morally gray, but ii doesn't portray her as a good person with good intentions, nor she should be really be treated as if she was. neither she had those good intentions with mic at all, i mean, their "friendship" pretty much started because of taco wanting the prize money, taking a part of microphone's prize if she made mic won, you know, an offer. she would get the prize and mic would get recognition. but everyone seems to forget that probably, the main reason as to why she's doing all of this, is because she does regret how she acted on s1. she doesn't exactly regret doing all of that to microphone, and even if she does, it's for the wrong reasons. (that's because she did the exact same thing to you know, pickle, her once best friend, the only person she truly ever cared about)
people do tend to forget that taco keeps sending letters to pickle, and that's often just used for pickle angst and making it his only character trait, but. it's not that. it's the fact that taco keeps on writing those letters, despite fully knowing that she did hurt pickle because of her actions. taco's biggest flaw is that she can't accept that she has ruined everything and wants so desperately to be back on pickle's life because she ended up caring about him deeply as a person. as a friend. but she was never there at all, either.
taco can't seem to understand that she has hurted people badly. sure, she seemed like a "friend" to microphone, and you can argue whatever you want but a fact is that taco IS smart, and she knew that the only way to possibly keep mic by her side is pretending to want to be better, you know, the same way she pretended to be just a odd fella so pickle and her could remain together and have an advance at the game. she played with both of them. because both pickle and mic believed in her but were just used by her for the game.
however, taco does seem to regret the way everything went during-post s1. you can see how she yearns for another chance and is saddened about not getting it, but that's not only for comedic purposes, but that's because the writing is telling you that she won't get a second chance. at least not here.
what i want people to understand is that, yes, taco is a complex character, however trying to sugarcoat what she did is pretty much missing the point of her writing as a whole. she isn't a good person neither was she a good friend. she hasn't grown because she was never able to let go of something that she thinks that she can fix with some words and a prize. she thinks that she can still fix her friendship with pickle, she thinks that she can clear her name (even if she was the one who tainted it), but she only ended up proving knife right. she proved everyone right. she hasn't changed. a morally gray character is that. they're not exactly fully bad or fully good, but it's taco's actions that speak a lot. words are cheap, and taco's title is "The Liar", and that says a lot, because she kept on lying to microphone and to pickle on both of their games. she won't heal unless she lets go.
and i want to be clear here: i do think that taco can go through redemption. i do think that taco can become a better person, but not in the way people portray her to do so. because it just pretty much goes against what her arc has settled in for us, and the other arcs that were involved in hers as well.
taco's arc is meant to be somewhat a parallel with nickel's in a way. hell, even with knife's arc if anything. she treats knife as a simple bully, but when she saw that he became smarter and way more emotionally aware than what she had expected, she felt attacked by that, because he was stable. he became a better person and he was rubbing that on her, and it made her feelings of anger way worse regarding him, but it is true. knife is pretty much everything that taco wants to be, but here's the thing that made them so different:
knife stayed. taco didn't stay.
knife is accepted by everyone in the hotel because meanwhile he hasn't explicitly said that he had a change of heart, he has shown it through actions and a big difference too is that he was there for pickle, even if they weren't close in s1, and taco is on the woods because deep down she is aware that she can't go back. not if she doesn't have something to offer as an direct apology, but here's the problem. whether or not she got the prize, she still wouldn't get forgiven by anyone due to what she said that day.
again. her problem is not being able to let go and to accept when she has messed up badly. she has been lying to everyone but she has also been lying to herself as a whole. she can't keep on doing this because it's just hurting everyone and herself. keeping grudges and holding onto past friendships that were doomed to fall is just hurting her. she is not on the state to keep on trying, she wasn't at all ever.
taco's arc most likely will have closure on a way that fits her character, and i feel like that would be with her letting go of inanimate insanity as a whole and of what she can't fix anymore. her trying to find herself after years of lying to everyone and to herself. she's not a good person. but she can become one. only if she knows what she did was wrong and that her second chance isn't there, and never will be, and if she recognizes that meanwhile she did that damage, she can still become a better person. just not there.
pickle and mic don't owe her anything, especially pickle. taco does owe them an apology, but they won't accept that. the least she could do is to accept their wishes, understand that she needs to leave them and grow to be a better person. maybe, if she does that, she would actually heal.
she doesn't need anyone to fix her. she needs to fix herself.
#inanimate insanity#ii#inanimate insanity invitational#ii 2#ii 3#inanimate insanity taco#inanimate insanity microphone#inanimate insanity knife#inanimate insanity pickle#and no. this isn't to bring ship discourse or anything. get that away from my character analysis.#i feel like taco is a really interesting character. it is pretty sad that even if she's popular people don't get her#“she's a complex fem character” yes she is. however you are pretty much missing the point. a character regardless of the gender can do bad-#-things and have a good intention/or a way to try to make up for that in their actions. however she is a case where she can't get closure w#-ith anyone because of the way she is written/the way she was given that complexity. she won't get closure with anyone in the cast at all#because they won't really forgive her since she kept on lying and using them as puppets. she had a change of heart. sure#but that doesn't erase all the pain she has caused#i genuinely do hope she gets her eventual closure by letting go. she does deserve to be okay but not with the cast.#i feel like the best way to put is. she had a good wish (wanting to become friends with pickle and showing that she changed)#with bad intentions and bad actions (using mic to get the prize + lying to her + other bad stuff she has done to the contestants such as h#-arming them without a motive/just because.)#max does analysis
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you know the day someone draws estinien with actual body fat and not like. fantasy ripped is the day I can die happy
#saint.txt#estinienposting#this isn't like a real complaint or burn or anything I'm not actually that pressed abt it or intending to make anyone feel bad but it's lik#do I think he’s strong and built? yes. do I think he has an eight pack? no!!!!!#give that man some body fat its protective!!!!!!!#you know that art of that blonde dude's body type from dung.eon mes.hi. idk I don't watch it.#esti.nien is that. to me#I also believe in built like a fridge haur.chefant so
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this might be a bit ooc, but hc that vox has a history of getting caught up in the moment and accidentally sharing deeply personal information about himself with both alastor and valentino. it always comes back to bite him, since neither of them have any scruples whatsoever about using that information against him in petty (or not so petty) arguments. he can never stop himself though. love makes you stupid and impulsive.
#this isn't meant to be an uwu feel bad for vox headcanon#dude just talks too much and forgets to have a filter with the guys he likes#but i can't figure out a way to phrase it that doesn't sound at least a little bit sad#man who doesn't trust anyone can't stop himself from inadvertently trusting the worst people on the planet#val has like. a mental catalogue of all of vox's sore spots that he's impulsively revealed over the years#it makes it very easy for val to be absolutely cutting in an argument if he wants to be#hazbin hotel#vox#staticmoth#radiostatic#radiosilence#kind of#redlady speaks#i feel like i need to watch the show again#i guess that's one good thing about this season being so short; rewatching it isn't that much of a time investment#hazbin posting
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I'm really sorry for Hazbin posting again but godddd because this one clip of Alastor and Bill Cipher has been going around late on Twitter reminds me so much of how utterly lame it is when Alastor swears. Like the whole thing that makes him unnerving is how well-spoken he is. I don't even like him saying "fuck you" to Lucifer. Him saying "I'm about to end your fucking life" sounds so lameeeeee he sounds like an elementary schooler who just learned the fuck word
The part that makes him fun and interesting is how well-spoken he is. It kinda plays on the gimmick of radio hosters being kind, chipper fellows and how they don't swear or do anything. It acts as a contrast. I literally don't understand why Viv is allergic to making characters not swear. Him not even swearing would probably be better when it comes to threatening Adam. Like I don't get it. Why is this show's writing like this. He's so uncool and unthreatening when he swears
#sp-rambles#hazbin hotel critical#<- For anyone who likes blocking it#Alastor feels like he's trying so hard to be cool and edgy like the show is forcing you to think he's awesome#It's so obvious that he's Viv's special little fella which isn't inherently bad but the show doesn't do anything to make you think it#Like he doesn't do anything. at all#He's so lameee god he feels so forced and awkward
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Zutaras are really the original self-insert, "we understand the story soooooo much better than everybody else" girlies and they just never moved on
#anti zutara#no offense to anyone who ships it and follows me but I'm so over the shipping wars of this show that aired almost 20 years ago 😭#at some point you guys are gonna need to hang it up cause there's a sequel series and these people are married with children like...#we get it if you were Katara you would've chosen Zuko but guess what?! you aren't and need to stop projecting onto her#the pretending to care about Katara is what really gets me cause she's never even implied to have romantic feelings for him#or vice-versa + it ignores her anger towards him and how long it took her to forgive him + rightfully so#criticizing the writing for Kataang is one thing but turning around and shipping Zutara while doing so is crazy work#ship it if you want but please stop pretending it makes more sense when both Zuko and Katara have their own separate romances 😭#love how people have to age Aang down + infantilize him and erase Mai to make it work but sure it's the better option#stop erasing Katara's arc and development just to claim that Aang brings her down when she's been a bad-ass since season 1#reducing her arc to that ONE moment with Zuko and ignoring all of her other development just to prop up a ship is nasty#Katara isn't a reward for Aang and she sure as hell isn't one for Zuko stop belittling her like that#if y'all didn't watch ATLA when you were 12 and think Zuko was cute this ship wouldn't even exist#thinking about that post that said the writers /pandered to dudebros/ like we all weren't children the delusion is crazy sdfssdfsdfsd#also seeing AANG of all characters getting whacked for a ship...please get a life and stay away from him#antizutara
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