#This is how I want to carry myself forever
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agh!!!!
#i always get so picky about detail right before I launch a project to the public#knowing DAMMMMMN well I will be really carefree about details later on#thats how it always goes for me#gotta make sure the initial impression is exactly how i want it#then i just let that carry me forever lol#and it usually works out just fine. but i still drive myself crazy before the first hours#feeling weird about it not being in a lineless style but i think it's for the best#because it takes so much longer when it's lineless#trying to learn to be less highstrung about perfecting my art and just letting it look how it ends up#you'll all get it. it'll be fine#morning rant sorry. probably obvious but im working on something to launch here soon. maybe today even#if i don't have anything else to do today + i can satisfy my picky mind in time
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thinking about viktor with a chronically ill reader. you know? we see the vision, right?
it just works.
the thing with chronic pain, illnesses, disabilities, all of that - is that you can't always see them. sometimes you can, sure, you can see the mobility aids and the not-standing-up-for-too-long and the bruising from blood draws and sometimes you can see the compression garments, the pills and inhalers and the i'm fine, i just need a moment-
but most people just don't pay attention to that. or if they do, they don't put the pieces together fast enough to figure out what's really going on under the surface. viktor does, though; he's been there, and most of the time he's way beyond hiding it. or, well, he's way beyond hiding some of it.
walking with a cane was like carrying a neon sign that said yes there is something different here. yes i can't walk the way you can. no it's not going to get better. that last part wasn't directly evident just from him using a cane, sure, but with the way his cane looked, it should've been pretty clear. He had used one practically forever and it had evolved with him, he'd made it as comfortable to use as it could be, had even made it match his uniform.
so yeah. viktor knew what it was like. he'd been the disabled kid forever, even if some of the others were never going to say it out loud. that was just a thing about him, and he knew how hard it could be to navigate something like that in an academic environment. it was hard to admit you couldn't do something, that you had to sit down, that you needed a moment. that sometimes your body was just falling apart for no particular reason and it was just another tuesday.
sometimes it was easier to sit with the pain than take medication in the middle of a meeting, knowing that someone would make a bigger deal out of it than it had to be, even if it was just raising their eyebrows meaningfully. they'd think about you differently afterwards.
he could see you push through it, and he didn't blame you, really, he did that himself, too, but - he didn't want you to hurt yourself. you hadn't been in the lab as long as he had, so he could understand you being a little cautious with how you acted and what you told people, but he didn't want you to feel like you had to put on a show for him. he was, after all, walking around with the equivalent of a light-up sign of i'm disabled, too, and he liked to think of himself as someone who wouldn't come off as judgemental about stuff like that. other stuff, sure, stupid stuff, but not that.
so when he sees you dealing with the telltale signs of being in pain, he conveniently sends jayce and the others to pick up some parts that would take a while to collect and that they wouldn't actually need until the next day. but better prepared, right? what's the harm.
and then he comes to sit next to you and sighs deeply. leans back. relaxes to the best of his abilities. asks if you're alright, and sounds like he already knows the answer.
you sigh too, shift your position, and answer with it's fine. and viktor recognizes the strain in your voice, in your posture, and he knows there's a key difference between this and i'm fine, but he'll take it. it's not what he'd like, but he'll take it.
he leans over to dig around his belongings, and then offers you a bag of candied almonds.
"if you're going to take pain killers, it's better if you eat something first," he says, and you just stare at him. "i assume you haven't taken anything yet. nothing strong enough, at least," he continues, casually, and you take a deep breath and accept the almonds.
he smiles. continues like this is totally normal. "jayce made me start carrying around some food so i could do that. for myself, i mean. but it doesn't hurt to have some snacks around either way, i suppose."
he knows he's skirting around the real topic of the conversation, but he also knows that sometimes people get uncomfortable around his bluntness, and you hadn't exactly told him you were in pain, so he'd understand it if you were a little weirded out. after all, most people didn't notice this stuff. but you haven't run away from him, and you're eating, and then you're digging around your own bag to take your medication, so he'll count this as a win.
thanks, you exhale, handing back the almonds, and he takes a handful of them himself.
"i'm fine, really," you continue, not really looking at him, "it's just hard sometimes."
he nods. it was - even if he didn't know the specifics, he knew that it was true. especially since you had been hiding it from the others. and with something like that, something the others couldn't see, the invisible step to let them see it would grow bigger and bigger with time, when they expected you to be able to do everything they did without a second thought.
he also knows you didn't mean fine in the dictionary definition sense of the word, but more in the this is normal and you don't need to worry -sense. and that's fine. he was used to functioning on different parameters than most people, so this version of fine was good enough.
my body just isn't always very reliable, you explain with a sigh, and that he knows better than well.
he hmms in answer and nods. he knows.
you exhale a small laugh at that.
and he's glad you're relaxing, wants you to be as comfortable here as possible.
"these people are alright," he says casually, "as far as healthy people go."
viktor smiles a little.
another win for him.
and then he sits with you, talking and not talking and enjoying the quiet comfort if it all. and then he makes up some excuse so you don't have to keep working yet. he was well aware what it was like trying to work through the pain, waiting for the medication to kick in, and he wouldn't exactly recommend it. besides, as a rule, you were more likely to make mistakes if you were thinking through a layer of pain, and that was just plain bad planning. it made much more sense to just take a break and continue when you felt better. in fact, he was in dire need of a caramel latte and a pastry right now, do you want anything?
and after that it just... sort of falls into place. you're more relaxed around him. and the others, too, but he's the only one that really gets it. doesn’t make a whole thing out of it when you need to sit down for a moment or take a break while your pain killers kick in. he's just there.
he knows what it's like, and that feels like an invisble curtain lifted from between you and him, and it's just easy. you don't have to pretend you're doing better than you actually are and he doesn’t hide it when he's in pain, either.
most people don't see it, but there's a mutual understanding there; yeah, sometimes life sucks and sometimes you're in pain and no it's not fair that sometimes your body is falling apart and life just keeps going. you can't do all the things you want to do but you still have to show up for the other life-stuff and if you took a day off every time you felt bad you would never get anything done and it just never stops.
but sometimes there's someone who'll sit through it with you without judgement. offer a warm drink and a snack and some understanding.
#scribbles#yes i did write this while waiting for my pain killers to kick in what about it#it works. you know i'm right#viktor arcane x reader#viktor x reader#viktor arcane
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Silly question but how do you art?
Or more like, how is your process to draw? Your lines and posing are so loose and show the feeling of a character so well, like, how do you make your art so real with only a few lines is what most amaze me. Anyway I hope I'm not bothering you and that makes sense, thanks for reading!<3
you're not a bother, don't worry! i'm not sure if there's an appropriately concise answer to a question like this, but i'll try to explain my process for poses a bit, and if there's anything else specific you'd like to know about my process, feel free to ask, and i'll try to answer!
for posing, i find it's very helpful to start by thinking about what situation the character is in. you don't need a location or a background or anything (unless you're being #serious about it). for this, i chose "picking up something way too heavy" (cont. under cut, wall of text ahead)
keeping it very simple is key!!! do not worry about details!!! i am very bad at this. i love to add a little detail or two, like his eyes or his little expression, but i have to catch myself before i get too into it, otherwise i'll forget the point of what i was doing and/or get bored. use just enough strokes to get the point across, and stop there (for now).
i draw fast and loose, with long strokes, which also happens to help with the problem that happens if you start with any specific part of the body. it's important to start with... everything at once, or else you won't be able to see what needs to be changed or fixed until it's too late and you've already decided on where you want the head and the left arm to be!
to display effort & strain without just contorting the character's face, you gotta think about just how heavy the object is, how one would go about grabbing it comfortably, and whether your character is smart enough to lift with their legs.
wander is great (read: BEST CHARACTER DESIGN EVAR. i love him kisskisskiss) because he's not grounded in any sort of reality until necessary, and his limbs have no bones, but he still has specific proportions and volumes to refer back to if you get carried away with the wackiness. posing a character made up of several noodles of varying widths is very simple, because you can do basically whatever you want to push and pull and make it as clear (and/or as funny) as possible.
start with your line of action, in this case the long line connecting his neck and his left foot. think about where the floor is, so you can make the feet of your character and whatever else is touching it coexist in the same reality. think about clarity: big, simple shapes are your friends, and if you're not getting the gist of the pose through the silhouette alone, try again! there's NO shame in hiding the first layer and doing a couple more sketches until you land on something you really like. Don't polish a turd, especially if you yourself think it's a turd. it'll make you feel like you're wasting time, and drawing is about having fun and experimenting, so if it's getting boring or frustrating, it's time to try something else.
wander and other characters with no bones and no rules are great for posing because you can do things like make their arms bend the wrong way just to play with the clarity of the pose. this:
un-breaks the arms and makes a little more sense for somebody with elbows, but some clarity in the action is lost when the arms don't curve upward and away from the very heavy object he's straining to pick up.
grounding your characters is both more complex and easier than it sounds, and it unfortunately requires you to think about perspective (i know. i know. i know it sucks and it's confusing. i hated it for a very long time but once it clicks, you'll have it in your brain forever)
fudging a perspective grid is fairly easy, just draw several parallel lines and have them get closer to each other as they recede into the distance, and then do it again in the opposite direction. you can use the transform tool in whatever program you use most to fudge this for even less effort, by just getting a png of a grid and fucking with it
now that you've got your floor, think about those feet. the grid makes it fairly easy to envision how a shoe would look sitting on that floor:
this is also where having an understanding of volumes comes in handy, because things farther in the distance will in fact look smaller, but it's up to you to figure out just how much smaller it would be in comparison to the other identical thing with the same volume that's closer to the camera. usually it's almost negligible, but it becomes easy to spot if it's a little off.
and here's the pose i settled on! i made his noodle arms more extreme for extra XD factor and i put him on his tippy toes for that extra bit of height!
a lot of the principles i'm talking about in this post i mainly pick up from consciously watching my favorite cartoons (and live action shows) and if i really, really like the way something is done, or if i see something that i've never really registered before, i'll screencap it or i'll pause or i'll just keep thinking about it until i draw again.
this is called "building a visual library" and it's the #1 easiest and most important way to practice. it requires no drawing, unless you want it to. look at lots of art by artists you love, and if you see something and you think to yourself, hey, this looks really good, by all means, absorb it.
art is great and it's really fun and there's literally nothing wrong with taking inspiration where you can find it!! seriously!!! absorb your favorite parts of every art style you find cool and fun and put it into your own! you're the only person who can draw the way you draw, and while replicating an art style is fairly easy (or it can be, depending), matching it perfectly is Literally impossible, so don't worry about being derivative. Nobody will notice, and if they do, it's okay to say you're inspired by them! encouraged, even!
my own art style, like everybody else's, is a frankenstein's monster containing all of the things i've loved before!!! and i think thats beautiful and if anybody tries to tell you you've gotta be 100% original and have "your very own style", they're a filthy liar and they're definitely (consciously or not) already taking inspiration and reference from the things they themselves find cool and awesome.
ANYWAY. wall of text over.
TLDR: draw quickly, use long strokes (try not to pet your lines), have a specific situation to put your character in, get familiar with volumes and proportions, and have fun!!!
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An au I've been thinking about the lore for for a while but still have no plot so instead of a story you get my ramblings:
(Not mentioned in this post but this au does deal with self harm)
There's two different types of gods, gods confined to one dimension and multidimensional gods. One dimensional gods aren't really important to this, but they involve ESMP s2 Joel, s1 Lizzie and Jimmy, Aeor and Exor, Santa Perla, etc.
The only really important ones in this au are the multi dimensional ones, which there are three types of. Watchers and Listeners like normal, but also a third type that's based on Gem's ESMP s2 character called Walkers. As the name suggests, Walkers can move between worlds to carry out the Watchers will.
There's three gods on the traffic smp, Grian is a rebel Watcher, Martyn is a Listener, and Gem is an escaped Walker. All Walkers are wolf hybrids because they're kind of seen as guard dogs to the Watchers, it's basically a cult to be honest.
Gem and Grian didn't grow up together, but after he ran away, Gem was assigned to keep an eye on him, and that's how she got on Hermitcraft. Grian pretty much took one look at her and said "is anyone going to get her therapy?" When Grian heard she was being put into the life series and that the theme of the series was basically the Watchers giving orders, he saw a chance to help her escape their grasp. The Boogeyman task was specifically made for her so see how evil they were, he didn't count on how good she was at following directions.
Martyn is a Listener, unlike Walkers, Listeners are completely separate from the Watchers. Martyn was sent to keep the life series chaotic for the purposes of making sure it ends and the people aren't stuck in the Watcher's world forever.
I'm honestly obsessed with the whole "existing just to serve other people" thing right now. For her entire immortal life, Gem was taught to completely disregard her own emotions, the idea of even considering herself, much less prioritizing herself is such a foreign concept to her.
I kinda want to rant about how Grian and Gem grew up more because they're so traumatized so if someone could conveniently send me an ask about that I would be forever in your debt /j (I'm going to make the post either way because this is my blog and I get to talk to myself on here)
#shit i need an actual name for the au#*looks at Epic The Musical*#puppets and puppeteers au#please pretend I didn't steal that from the Circe Saga#geminitay#trafficblr#traffic life#traffic series#traffic smp#grian#life series#wild life#secret life#the watchers#martyn inthelittlewood#listener martyn#watcher grian#tw cult
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hii, this is a kind of sensitive topic and risky ask but could you do if the bay turtles saw your sh scars? ive got scars myself so pls dont take this the wrong way😭🩷 you dont have to write this if you dont wanna ofc x
Hello, helloooo! I hope you're feeling better, and remember your scars only show how strong you were to endure all of this. If you or anyone wants to talk, know that I'll be here!
I decided to do it in separate parts, so it will be better for you to read. ♡♡♡♡
TW: talk about old scars from s a, scars
Unseen Battles *.✧
The lair was unusually quiet. Mikey had finally crashed after a marathon gaming session, Donnie was locked away in his lab, and Raph had gone out to patrol. You were curled up on the couch in the common area, a blanket loosely draped over your shoulders. The dull hum of machinery was the only sound filling the space as you absentmindedly traced the scars on your arm.
They were old, but tonight, they felt as fresh as the day they were made. You hadn’t noticed Leo standing in the doorway, his blue eyes softening as they caught sight of you. He approached quietly, his footsteps gentle but deliberate.
"Couldn't sleep?" His voice was low, soothing, as he settled beside you.
You shrugged, offering a faint smile. "Something like that."
His gaze flicked to your arm, to the faint scars that crisscrossed your skin. His heart clenched, but he stayed silent, waiting for you to speak.
After a moment, you followed his line of sight, your stomach tightening. "They’re not exactly pretty, huh?"
Leo shook his head. "They tell a story," he said softly. "One I’d like to know, if you’re ready to share."
You hesitated, the weight of his words settling over you. It wasn’t that you didn’t trust him—Leo had seen the worst parts of you and loved you anyway. But these scars were different. They were from a time when you’d felt lost and alone, before he’d come into your life and made you believe in something more.
"They're from a time when I wasn’t sure I’d make it," you admitted quietly, your fingers tightening around the edge of the blanket. "Before you and the guys, things were... dark. I fought through it, but it left marks."
Leo didn’t say anything right away, but his hand found yours, his fingers lacing with yours gently. "But you won," he said after a moment. "And that’s what matters."
His words, simple and steady, hit you harder than you expected. Tears welled in your eyes, but you blinked them away, squeezing his hand in return. "It’s not easy to talk about," you confessed. "But with you, it’s different. I feel safe."
Leo’s thumb brushed over the back of your hand, his touch grounding. "You don’t have to carry it alone," he said. "We face things together, remember?"
You nodded, a small, genuine smile breaking through the heaviness. "I don’t know what I did to deserve you."
He smiled back, his eyes filled with warmth. "You deserve the world," he said softly, leaning in to press a gentle kiss to your forehead. "And I’m not going anywhere."
For the first time in what felt like forever, the weight on your chest eased. And tonight, that was enough.
#reader#x reader#y/n#tmnt#tmnt x reader#bayverse tmnt x reader#f!reader#tmnt bayverse#bayverse leonardo#bayverse mikey#bayverse donnie#bayverse raphael
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https://www.instagram.com/p/DBO1QfCJdV3/?igsh=MW80MjE0d2Nla25ubA==
Idk why but this post just reminds me of something you’d like. Like I saw it and thought “mmm yeah, April would like this. This has got April vibes.”
Yes
#A lil too accurate actually I love this vibe so much#This is how I want to carry myself forever#Headbands and tear drop earrings and glossy lip included
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seems like my heart does nothing but break lately
#oh my god dont read the tags. it breaks for everyone :( but on a more personal level#for my gf whos sinking deeper into something n i cant even help bc im a wreck myself but i am so so scared to lose her#still havent even been able to book a psych appointment n i rlly dont know where to go with all these ..em*tions#Guys i rlly dont understand one thing. how come one random freak whos in ur life at some point can derail a whole person like eons later#jeopardise their whole future just by crossing some lines for funz i really dont understand this#not fair not fair at all this is evil#and becasue u got unlucky someone wanted to be disgusting u have to carry the consequences#i rly still cant even say it i still cant even write it#i dont even know how . irl the only perosn i told in some capacity#is dealing with her own trauma and i hate that jsut being understanding is not enoughlike#Wow Lmao Its just Funny How it Shapes You. & U Can Never bury it forever becuz it will always catch up to you😂😂😂😂😂😂#AND THE PAST CAN NEVER BE ERASED 😃😃😁😁😂😂😂🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔪🔪#at least my gf has been taking steps to deal with it for.3 yrs and i just never even#LOL i feel like such a coward but the sh*me and the g**lt associated with the Thing..r so overwhelming i cant even admit it#what would i even do at the psych appointment like straight up what am i gonna say Lol#hai iam here to process something i dont actually remember probably becasue i was a child but imnot sure. n id rather#kms than tell u how i know 😂. So thats also why my heart breaks. for that little girl who was a ball of shame i guess and no matter#how much i cognitively.like rationally know its not my fault the ball of shame n guilt is still there#n it swallows me every time i vaguely start 2 think about acknowledging the Th*ng#or whatever. And thats just my end of the deal but my gf has it worse genuinely bc she remembers everything n still has to see the freak#n it went on for yrs n her family doesnt know n heres the worst thing hes a beloved family member a sweet boy with struggles of his own#well i hope he walks into traffic for doing what he did to her
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man i want to make an animatic about my ocs so bad
#my post#the lore is stored in the tags#the wondrous oc tag#madineau#that would require knowing literally anything about the plot though#i could maybe make something with reworked october hills? rip peyton and rory and austin and grace they were cut for being irrelevant </3#mm but id need a good song and idk#i do have an animatic wip for madineau but i dont even know how that endssssssssssssssssssss#explodes and dies#guys i think im gonna kill off everin and not revive her. i think she just dies. i think it happens too late in the story to bring her back#itd drag on forever#and the others just have to live with that. they have to carry that.#but do they go home? i think they do they have no more stake in this kingdom#fucking. rip andoras though. oh poor guy hes all alone.#he wouldnt go with them. he hates the sib squad on evs behalf. oh nooooo but then he would just Get Worse :(#i mean he has A and B! so hes not totally alone. they can- they can be supportive and shit#maybe i can hint at them maybe. wanting to riseup against the new kings?#PERPETUATING THE CYCLE 💪💥💪🔥🔥‼️🔥💥💥💪💪💪#oh my god#did i just write the fucking ending for this#....#ive had this as a wip for three fucking years. did i just write the fucking ending. in the tags on a tumblr post#IVE BEEN DEBATING WITH MYSELF ON HOW TO END THIS SHIT FOR THREE YEARS#AND THIS IS HOW WE GET HERE??#FUCKIGN. I GUESS!!#ALL BECAUSE I WANTED TO ANIMATE?????
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augh i need to get a new phone, and i need to give my doctor a form so i can get accommodations for the GRE, and i need to contact people for letters of recommendation, and i need to get my car smogged, and i need to make an appointment for a sleep study, and i need to get a livescan done like three months ago, and i need to fill out a thing for my master gardener project, and i need to scout out areas that are safe and legal to shoot some arrows and also maybe make a lesson with the local range to clean up my form, and i need to reach out to some local falconers so i can flush game for them and whatever and be best friends forever, and also get ear drops again for my recurring double ear infections lmao, and probably about 400 other things.
sigh. what if i... didn't.
#and what if i went to sleep under a shrub and made myself a little nest with brush and pine needles instead#i started whittling and oh my god my hand is so sore lmao#and i can't get a handle on how to sharpen this fuckin knife#this is unrelated to my various woes but i am simply having a nice time making a camel out of a block of wood :)#FINALLY picked up a rotary tool recently so i guess i could sand off some material and then carve more of the detail but that feels wrong#guy who doesn't have a bandsaw voice or whatever lmao#and now i can also make some lockpicks :)#also my doctor was like yeah i talked to some other guys at my clinic vaguely about your case and#they were all like why aren't you using [MEDICATION THAT INSURANCE IS FIGHTING US TO THE DEATH OVER NOT APPROVING] :)#cool maybe this sleep study will be enough effort on our part to push them to give me the Being Awake medication#the Gulf War Fighter Pilot medication#only so far that Panera Lemonade That Kills You can carry me you know?#everything feels impossible but also if i'm not forever occupying myself with these things i want to be dead lmao#prattling about the self
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not to doomer post. but. american politics is like here's a conservative warmonger who wants to burn you alive personally and here's a different conservative warmonger who definitely wouldn't stop someone from burning you alive BUT who might raise the minimum wage by $0.30/hour for you, but only like eight years from now (so re-elect me please!! >w<). yes one of them has to be president they are the only two options we'll let you have. no neither of them will stop the government from killing you or anyone else, but at least one will say "it's kind of bad to kill people :( someone should really do something about that..." while giving the people-killers $20,000,000,000,000 to keep doing it then saying they can't afford to help you at all, but oh shucks, maybe next cycle, if you vote for me again! and also everyone will pretend as though they are extremely different political entities covering two highly polarized ends of the political spectrum despite nearly identical policy views obscured by their slightly different ways of addressing their target audiences, many of whom are also conservative warmongers. and also if you don't vote or vote third party the other guy will win and you will watch as they burn everyone you love alive in the same way they've burned so many strangers so you kind of feel like you have to vote for the other warmonger because even though they both have blood on their hands you'll take a handshake over an uppercut. even if you can still see the bodies piling up behind them. even if you can only save like five people you know and not the thousands of people who are dying in the other room. because you believe the difference between 30,000 and 30,005 is still worth it even though no one needed to die in the first place and no one seems to agree with you. you have to keep living in this world every day. if anything changes it will take decades and it will never be enough. if this takes a toll on you good fucking luck surviving off the generosity of the warmonger state that claims to serve you. happy voting!!
#like. yeah i'll take the raised minimum wage. i guess. but jesus christ#yes you are doing slightly good things sometimes almost. can you stop killing people though. please. that is a higher priority#like this is my first prezzy election season since i turned voting age right and like. what the fuck am i supposed to do now#what am i supposed to do with this. it took me 5 fucking months to pick a dead cockroach off my floor how am i supposed to fix this.#how am i meant to be a person and go on living while knowing i am doing nothing and cannot do anything and won't do anything#i need to fight i need to get up but i am stuck. im always stuck. i pray yknow. i don't know what else to do#how can people think about buying houses and getting promotions in this world. how are they not feeling likr their chest is caving in every#time they falter in their complex self-distraction. how am i supposed to do anything when all i can think about is helping and my body won't#let me. i cant do anything i cant but i have to but i cant. im supposed to and im a bad person if i dont and i cant live like that.#and if i am too upset about that i am punished for it by the people around me and ignored by those in power if not punished as well.#i love the world. i love people. you motherfuckers are killing everything and im not stopping you and you're getting in the way of me loving#the life i was built to love and i can't understand why you think it's even thinkable to do what you're doing. or what im doing.#i just want to look at clovers and paint and be good to my neighbors but you won't stop fucking murdering people in front of me#and i can't fucking do anything. i cant take care of the people i love i can't carry my own weight i can't take care of myself i can't move#and im supposed to fucking file taxes? to fund mass slaughter? on the off chance it might go to welfare or something. god.#i hate it here i hate it here america is a fucking nightmare it is hell i can't stand it but if i leave im just running and saving myself#whch is selfsh and cruel and so i would never be able to escape the feeling and i would always be in american hell because it' a part of me#but if i stay i cannot do anything because my body is filled with smoke and broken glass and im supposed to fucking get my drivers license#so i can buy groceries or get a job so i can keep myself on life support watching everything get worse and worse around me#and knowing that nothing has ever been good here and ive been lied to forever and im still being lied to#and i am in hell.#and me dying won't fix it and me living won't fix it ans both are too painful to even consider.#i am drowning i am drowning i am drowning i am drowning and my skin is on fire im on fire and i want to have children. but i can't imagine#doing that to someone. oh my god. and to raise them and watch them come to understand what this place ive brought them to is#that ive raised them in a slaughterhouse and to feebly try to show them the clovers and the ducks and the baby shoes and teach them to love#when maybe that love of the world is a distraction. or maybe i use it as one. i think of the blood as an obstacle to love and joy but maybe#i would not love the world so much if i was not so constantly desperately scared and ashamed of living in it#and i am a very lucky person. my life is cushy and i want to rip my skin off because what does that matter when it doesnt let me help people#god help me. but help the rest of them first. but i am helped first anyway and i hate it. i dont. i cant. god.#nyarla dni
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ok actually yeah. i really need to do dishes and go to bed and not stay up late mentalillnessposting a little too viscerally on tumblr the night before i facilitate a workshop in front of the literal president of the university and the vp of my division (LOL about that btw. actively shitting my pants.) but oh my GOD. so saying goodbye to lia was actually fine in the moment. neither of us cried and we talked about all the ways we’ll still be in each others lives and reasons we’ll have to interact in the near future. and she gave me an extremely heartfelt thoughtful gift and we left on a very hopeful note and i felt better and content bc there’s still the rest-of-life and we’ll see each other there. but like an hour before that as i mentioned i was HYSTERICALLY sobbing. in full view of people i know AND people i don’t. and i just sat there and sobbed while everything carried on around me. everything carried on around me!!! and i feel like im about to sob again thinking about it.
#purrs#delete later#idk. i typed a bunch here and then deleted it and now idk what to say. i just feel so lonely. i have had fucked up relationships with every#single older adult in my life and never had someone who could a) stay in my life b) be consistently present in my life c) meet my emotional#needs d) actually See me and accept me for who i am. Like not one person who can be all four of those things. and i have to be all four of t#those things for myself now because im 24 and i missed my chance. but how fucking shitty and painful is that? especially after a year like t#this. the way it’s literally ending the SAME way last year did. huge scary promotion (which i haven’t even talked about on here or to anyone#but lia today actually. but it might be huger and scarier than i thought. which is good but also HUGE -‘d scary. and not a bad thing of bc o#course but it’s so fucking… perilous? like it makes me feel profoundly imperiled because i have extremely good reason to feel that way. and#i have to endure the mortifying ordeal of applying for my own job AGAIN after the first time was so horrible. lol) and also losing a beloved#mentor figure who understood me in a way no one else did which mattered immensely even if they couldn’t do the whole presence thing or#whatever. and now i only have one older adult in my life left (aside from my therapist who doesn’t really count bc i only see her once a#week and we barely know each other still) who is like. here and helping me and i KNOW i am so sick in the head i KNOW and i should not be#writing it but every single day i am fucking terrified that i am being or will be separated from him emotionally or physically jsut like all#the others so. LOL!!!!! i am normal and well adjusted. but it’s like so fucking painful because im grasping at straws but again the reality#is im 24 and the only people on this earth who it is fair for me to expect all 4 from and who should’ve provided it to me are my parents.#and i missed my chance with them forever and now i have to do it myself. and that’s ok sometimes and i can handle it… except in the moments#where im sobbing hysterically and everything carries on. when i am in my darkest moments i want to run to an older adult and have them#comfort me but i truly cannot do that with any of the ones i still have left / regularly interact with for so many reasons. and it’s so#painful it makes me sick sometimes. and now i have to be the romy and the lia i wish to see in this world. but how can i do that when i#haven’t finished grieving over them leaving which feels like leaving ME — NOW — in this moment when i have never needed more support of that#kind more. how can isummon it within myself. im not ready yet. i need a long hug and a hand to hold that won’t (have to) let go. when im#crying i need someone to take me somewhere and comfort me and calm me down. and im 24 so i can’t ask for it. but oh my god i need it. and i#missed my chance. and lia left today and she only ever did that for me metaphorically but… tonight i feel more alone than ever.#and it’s like i don’t even have the emotional intelligence or whatever to ASK for that. bc im playing by ear and i don’t know how to read#the music of it. im self taught. that fucking sucks. that SUCKSSS. also that’s too strong a way to put it liek obviously my friends who are#closer to my age are INTEGRAL to me being able to function and i learn from them and cherish their support. but just like i can’t be a mom#to me my friends can’t either. so it’s like what the fuck do i do. get steamrolled by relentless grief and rage every day i guess.#also side note. everything carried on when i was in brighton too. i came home early ofc but it’s like nothing changed in my absence. and#that has fucked me up SUPREMELY. i think that might be a root of it. like hm… it seems my presence doesn’t have impacts. but idk
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THEY DID NOT MAKE SKY ZONE FOR THE FAT PEOPLE
#The first thing i did was go on the diving thingy into the foam pit and i got STUCK IN THE PIT#AND THE WORKER SPENT LIKE 5 MINUTES TRYING TO GET ME OUT#AND I WANTED TO GO AGAIN BUT WHEN I LOOKED DOWN THE DROP AND I SAW THE SQUARES OF SOFT FLUFFY MATERIAL#MY LIFE FLASHED BEFORE MY E YE S#How could this happen to me#i had fun i think im done now tho i didnt do much but must of it is just foam pits and i dont wanna go in there again#It was traumatizing guys i was like ctommy in exile#How he had the fucking BALLS of STEEL to jump off that tower#Tje drop was only 6ft but i wanted to kill myself#Every step i took i just sunk further#my brother told me before how i could suffocate as joke#And all i could think about was what if i cant get out what if im stuck here forever#it wasnt the embarrassment that deterred me it was the idea alone of not having the ability to pull myself out#how can i turn this into a metaphor for ctommy.#something something carrying the dead weight of himself out of the pit with his scars and all being a symbol for all the trauma hes faced#Uhh something something someone is holding your hand trying to pull you out but none of it matters in the end#Sorry.for using my ptsd from skyzone to fuel my ctommy meta. Um
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@withsorrowandregret asked:
early morning rain , heedless &. turbulent , scurried down the windows . the perpetual music of water drops upon glass soothed his nerves , if only a little . not enough to liberate him from the need to march the corridor up and down , awaiting the awakening of his friend . the fraction of a second midoriya heard the door open , he must have nearly tackled the birthday boy the the ground in a fusion of enthusiasm &. nerves . scarred digits offered a small package , neatly wrapped in sapphire &. ruby shades , for celebration ; a self - made good luck charm stacked on tickets for an amusement park .
❝ happy birthday , todoroki - kun ! ❞
His alarm signed the beginning of a new day, a day Shoto hadn't been looking forward to, not more than any other. He'd intentionally ignore the texts on his phone, still in a morning haze where he couldn't deal with the wishes of his family ( the only people he expected to remember what day it was, if caring to text him this early ). He realized he was mistaken though, when he found someone standing at his door. Having woken up at the sound of heavy rain, and meeting his most dear friend first thing in the morning, was more than he could have ever asked to brighten up his day, but it seemed as if more awaited him.
If only Midoriya knew his place in Shoto's heart. His hero, bright and as if standing on a pedestal, beyond his reach. But suddenly, he was there, right in front of him, not as Deku but simply as his friend, an image he wouldn't forget as long as he lived, for this was a day different than most. Not a reminder of his loneliness, like his past birthdays used to be, but the reminder of his inner growth, and the connections he had made in the last year. Becoming someone he didn't despise, and who could be taught what was like to be loved again. All because of HIM.
“ You remembered? ” were the first words to slip his mouth, surprise evident in his eyes as he stared at the green-haired and the offered gift. As if the sour past memories of this day no longer had a place in his heart, as if replaced by the sentiment of this moment, Shoto smiled at the other. A wide smile free of any reservations, of any dark thoughts to cloud his heart and mind. “ Thank you, Midoriya. ” How sweet were the words, a different taste than usual. Carefully he'd attempt to unwrap the present, a bit uncertain if that was the tradition, revealing what his friend had made for him and the tickets. He took the charm in his hand, holding it tight to his fist as if it was his most precious possession. “ I'll always have this with me. ” He cast another glance of gratitude, and next to his attention were the tickets. “ Would you mind going with me? ” He never had gone to a place like this, and only if it was with Midoriya, it'd be really worth it. “ It's a place you should go with friends, right? ”
#( he's so stiff and awkward i just . . . )#( love em so much )#( your writing is always just the best )#( thank you for this wonderful ask )#withsorrowandregret#— ask | if you rely on words alone — they better be powerful enough to reach them#— ic | look properly at who you want to become!#— main | no matter how hard the world pushes against me — within me there’s something stronger (something better) pushing right back#— (tag tba) birthday.#— midoriya izuku | what's a soulmate? well a soulmate is like a best friend but more. it's someone who you carry with you forever#— izuku & shoto | it's the person who knew you and accepted you and believed in you before anyone else did or when no one else would#— withsorrowandregret | look at the stars — look how they shine for you and everything you do#— izuku & shoto (withsorrowandregret) | for you i'd bleed myself dry — don't you know i love you so?
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withsorrowandregret asked ( once upon a time ago ):
[ ill ] Izuku for Shoto
nonverbal meme prompts
[ ill ] sender takes care of receiver when they are unwell
“ I needed to move around a little, ” he explained, when asked why he hadn’t stayed in his room. Only wearing a t-shirt and shorts, Shoto had wandered around the dorms. The kitchen was his stop, taking a seat when seeing Midoriya was there. “ It’s not that serious, ” he mumbled, before starting to cough once more. He must be looking miserable, with his hair messed up, the dark circles underneath his eyes, and pale color. Shoto hated being sick, even though this would make it the first time he’d spend his time resting.
Midoriya was worrying for what was a minor cold. Or the flu. He couldn’t really tell them apart, and he didn’t think there was a point to it. He could have continued training and classes like he always did whenever he wasn’t feeling his normal self. Shoto was trained after all to function even under these circumstances. He didn’t think his father was wrong on that part. It didn’t make sense, for a hero to stand back because of an illness. Villains wouldn’t wait for his fever to ease down.
“ I hate this, ” he grumbled. The last few days had drained him, not only physically but psychologically too. He had run out of patience. Waking up every few hours, having nightmares, feeling weak even to leave his futon. His body switching from hot to cold every few minutes. His body failing him for the first time in a long time, with Shoto not understanding the reason. Recovery Girl had advised him not to try and regulate his temperature, for his body to fight this naturally, and now he’d find himself once again trembling when a minute ago he had been feeling hot, and couldn’t do anything about it.
#withsorrowandregret#—× repost.#— ask | if you rely on words alone — they better be powerful enough to reach them#— ic | look properly at who you want to become!#— main | no matter how hard the world pushes against me — within me there’s something stronger (something better) pushing right back#— midoriya izuku | what's a soulmate? well a soulmate is like a best friend but more. it's someone who you carry with you forever#— izuku & shoto | it's the person who knew you and accepted you and believed in you before anyone else did or when no one else would#— withsorrowandregret | look at the stars — look how they shine for you and everything you do#— izuku & shoto (withsorrowandregret) | for you i'd bleed myself dry — don't you know i love you so?#— queue | time spent healing is not wasted time#—× withsorrowandregret | 003
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~ ~ ~
#why do I get the feeling that I’m not going to hear from you at all today#and I know you’ll say you’re just really busy so of course I want to be understanding#but then you’ll also tell me how you were watching something or reading something or doing something that is not related to your work#so it’s a subtle hint that you’re ignoring me and/or don’t really want to talk to me#I know it’s not always easy to think of things to talk about when you talk to someone every single day#there’s a reason I’m constantly trying to help carry the conversation and sending you so many things you could choose to respond to#because I know you won’t put that effort into our friendship so I have to be the one to do it instead#but at the same time when you care about someone you can talk to them forever and never have it be a problem#I can talk to my girlfriend every single day and it’s not a chore and we always have something to say to each other#one day I believe she’ll be my wife and then I’ll still be seeing her and talking to her every single day and it won’t be a problem#so it’s not the best argument to make about why you can’t always think of things to say to me or message me about#especially because you could say anything to me and I’d want to hear it and I’d find a way to answer you#I’ve always felt that way for you but clearly that’s never been mutual#I know I’m being petty but it’s just very difficult lately to move past these kinds of things#they’re so constant and they make me feel so shitty all the time#it seems like all I do is check my messages here waiting for you and I can’t live my life otherwise#it seems you’re still the thing around which all else revolves#and I don’t know how to make that stop without walking away and I’m not willing to do that yet#so I’ll just be bothered while I wait here for you and try to distract myself with other things so I don’t feel so bad#I just miss the person you used to be when you liked me#personal
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piggyback rides
synop: you want trueform!sukuna to give you a piggyback ride and he doesn’t know what it is. that’s it.
tags: fluffy fluff fluff, fem!reader (referred as woman once, refers to self as ‘queen’ and ‘wife’ once), ooc sukuna (only bc he’s less of an asshole), possessive behavior (kind of?), mentions of sukuna-typical violence, likely historically inaccurate, not proofread. i couldn’t determine whether or not he was actually wearing a haori or something similar - correct me if i’m wrong n i’ll change it!
notes: basic ass title ik... erm sorry! another post in two days is a miracle so i’m a little proud of myself. half-assed ending lol... anyway, this is just a silly lil drabble!! any interaction is much appreciated, enjoyyyy! :3
“what.”
the first set of crimson eyes dart down to look at you, the other set still tracking the scuttling servants. you’re situated quite snugly in his expansive lap — two thick arms wrapped around your waist, pulling you into the warmth of his bare chest. “what the hell is that?”
you nibble the inside of your cheek to suppress a smirk. finally, you know something that sukuna does not! and it only took three years. “it’s where i get on your back and you carry me around. quite simple, truthfully.”
he snorts at the slight condescension in your voice. for something so agitating, you have quite the ego. “mm. and why should i do that for you? you can walk on your own, unless your legs are mysteriously broken all of a sudden.”
“because,” you say with a huff, “it’s fun. don’t you want to bond with your queen?”
anxious eyes of passing maids sneak glances at you, your little huff drawing their attention. sukuna shifts you in his lap, turning you to the side, and the massive sleeve of his robe moves to obscure your form from their undeserving gaze. “we have bonded enough.”
“and it would not hurt to bond some more!” you counter. sukuna’s stubbornness is something you absolutely adore about him, but not right now. “can the mighty king of curses not spare a moment of his day to entertain his wife’s wish?”
he falls silent at this, and you can practically see the gears churning in his big head. he’ll cave. if there’s one thing that’s undeniable about the sorcerer, it’s his curiosity.
“... fine,” he grunts. after scooping you up and setting you down, he stands up and gestures with his hand. “so how do we do it?”
your lips curve up into a smirk. “okay, turn around so that your back is facing me.”
sukuna turns around, folding one pair of arms over his chest.
“then, crouch down a little.”
a beat passes, and then he crouches down, back muscles flexing underneath the dark fabric of his haori.
you step up behind him and slide your arms around his neck. his adam’s apple bobs, and the other arms move to cradle your butt. “if this is an attempt to choke me, it isn’t work.”
he always thinks someone’s out to get him. you roll your eyes. “no. if i wanted to kill you, i likely would’ve attempted forever ago.” you lift your lower half onto the lower part of his back, and your legs wrap around his hips.
another beat passes. “is that it?”
“yep.”
sukuna adjusts you, his hold on you becoming more secure as he rights himself to his full height. the warmth of your breath ghosts across his ear, and he can smell the scented lotion you applied this morning.
why hadn’t he done this before?
“soooooo,” you drawl, and he can hear the smile in your beautiful voice without even having to look. you’re so close — he hears the little inhale before you speak, the nearly imperceptible huff of laughter once you finish. “what are you just standing here for? we gotta walk around, explore the estate! it’s not fun if we’re just stuck in one place.”
“i am not a servant,” he warns, voice gruff, but he starts to move towards the throne room’s exit anyway. anyone unfortunate enough bows, mutters a jumbled greeting to the both of you, and scrambles out of the way.
it’s no secret that sukuna is more... benevolent, when you’re around. but that is a double-edged sword — if someone dares to disturb your peace or inconvenience you in his presence, they’d be facing a swift death, along with their parents for giving birth to such vermin.
“apologies, my spectacular husband.” you lean forward a bit and press a kiss onto his cheek, leaving a faint lipstick stain. “now, please, venture forth.”
he rolls his eyes. “if you command me again, woman, i am going to sprint.”
the teasing lilt quickly disappears from your voice, and your arms tighten around his neck. “n-no, that isn’t necessary.”
sukuna’s pace increases, now a brisk jog instead of a leisure walk, and you can hear the gravel crunching beneath his feet. “oh? is it not?”
“it isn’t!” you squeak. a little embarrassing, yes, but you know how fast sukuna is — you’re positive that if he broke out into a full-speed run, you’d be sick by the end of it.
“let’s find out and see.”
#﹒writing#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#jjk x reader#jjk fluff#jjk sukuna#sukuna#sukuna fluff#ryomen sukuna#sukuna x reader#sukuna x you#ryomen sukuna x reader#ryomen sukuna x you
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