#This episode makes me manic
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Cheryl in Ex-Libris
Ok, the time has come. I need to talk about this episode.
This episode makes me so insane for several reasons. (Cheryl's WILD almost figure-skater top that she wears is one of them, but not the important one. Girl, what are you wearing?)
It also makes me crazy that she says THIS.
Cheryl, no one in the cast has more scenes reading alone in her house than you. No one. The irony of this line is honestly hysterical. But again, this is not the important reason this episode makes me insane.
No, the important reason is the reference to Flowers in the Attic.
So, as a refresher, in this episode, Percival Pickens is going around collecting overdue library books from the gang. These books are thematically relevant to and hold significant meaning for each of them.
Cheryl's book is Flowers in the Attic, by V.C. Andrews.
This alone is enough to make me foam at the mouth. Of course her book is Flowers in the Attic. The themes of that book (the cruelty of mothers, incest, feeling trapped, the callous nature of affluent families, the impact of neglect, etc.) are incredibly relevant to Cheryl's character. (And I mean, this all but confirms the Blossomcest thing, but that's a whole other can of worms.)
In any case, it's a perfect book for her. A match made in the Sweet Hereafter, as it were. BUT HERE'S THE THING.
The way the show references the book makes absolutely no sense. Basically, Cheryl hears giggling, in her house somewhere. She goes to investigate. There's a child under a sheet in her bed. She asks if it's Heather and pulls the sheet away to reveal a bouquet of roses. She then says, "Flowers in the Attic, indeed."
Ok. Not trying to spoil the book for you, but uh nowhere in the book are there ghosts or flowers. The only flowers, really, are the ones the children make to remind them of the outside world or, perhaps, the children themselves.
I actually read the book to try understanding this reference (I wanted to read the book anyway) and when I finished it, I was just as confused, perhaps even more so.
And I guess the writers were just trying to bring Heather up as Cheryl's next big topic, but like, why they didn't make Cheryl's ghost Jason, I will never understand. They already brought up Flowers in the Attic AND the fact that she still has his bones in her house. The fact that the show is so casual about her keeping that boy in her house fills me with indescribable mania. Why does no one care that she keeps his bones in the house? No one ever says anything. I still can't believe the core four went to the viking funeral in season 4 and didn't say a word. NOT A WORD. Literally no one EVER comments on the fact that Cheryl has kept her brother's body in her house for YEARS. Why does no one ever say ANYTHING? -foaming at the mouth- She literally mentions the time she already burned Jason's body and the room is silent about it. No one has a question? A concern? Really? REALLY?
Anyway, it seems to me like the other characters have very clear relationships to their books. We do not get that kind of insight into Cheryl's relationship to hers. (The jury is out on Veronica. I really need to read Kiss of the Spider Woman!) Does she resent it? Does she romanticize it? Did she like the book or did it horrify her? Hello? HELLO?
Unless (and this just occurred to me as I was writing this) the writers are trying to suggest that Cheryl's relationship to Heather is "forbidden love"? I can maybe see that, but like, that's a farther stretch than the twincest, abuse, and other relevant topics the show has been waving around since episode 1.
And again, I know this is a CW teen drama. They can't really go full dark no stars with some of these topics. But like, it still makes me crazy that we dance around them so much.
Ok. That's my rant. Thanks. <3
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Thinking about Wade just... being normal(?) For a day. Doing house hold chores, watching shitty live tv, goes out to walk Puppins, showering with no smart remarks.
Yes, he still hums and taps on stuff, but it's much.. calmer.. now. In the sense that he doesn't want to cause a scene and would rather just be left alone right now.
But then... when he gets out. Surely he's going to be his silly self and say something, right?? Right???? Wrong.
He just... sits there. Boredly looking at those free magazines that you find sometimes at doctors' offices. The ones that are like "Home improvment for your loved one with dementia" or "50 dinner ideas for someone with diabetes"
Logan just blinks after watching him all day and goes "...Are you okay?"
Without a beat, he awnsers pretty monotoned. "I can't be manic all the time. That's just stupid to think." Before realizing he said it outloud. He perks up and starts laughing. "I mean- Yeah I'm great! What about you, Tiger?"
Again Logan just stares, blinking some as he tries to process.
"....How long have you kept up that act..?"
"I don't know what you're talking about, pumpkin!" It was like watching someone trying to impersonate themsleves.
"....Wade.."
"What is it cupcake?"
"...You don't have to do that."
"Do what? Gosh your so silly. My silly little sunflower."
Logan just stares at him for a bit more and quickly he panics, swallowing and starting to say anything he can to make him believe it was a joke but he dosn't believe a single word of it.
"...its not an act.. is it?"
It eventually ends with wade running out of excuses or things to lie about. He sits there, tears starting to run down his face as he thinks of words to say. You can see just how desperate he is to say something but he can't seem to get it out.
"..I....I-i."
"I know."
Wade just looks at him with this big scared eyes as if he was about to accuse him of faking or telling him he liked this wade better or something terrible like asking how to keep him this way but Logan pulls him into a side hug.
"...are you okay?"
His throat tightens, shaking his head. "..no."
"That's okay." Turning to give him an actual hug, Wade cries. Not because he's sad though. But because to Logan, it doesn't matter how high or low he was on the chart, who he was or how he acted. He loves him. He understands that acting like a crazy childish phycopath isn't a mask but rather who he was sometimes. And sometimes he prefered to silently lay his head on his shoulder.
Eventually Logan asks him if he has a personality disorder and Wade just shrugs. "Probably.... is that an issue..?"
"No.... do you want diagnosed?"
Wade pauses, remembers the last time he asked for medical help and shakes his head. "Nah... I'm good.. besides. I've come to like him."
"How long has he been in there?" Logan playfully knocks on his head and wade giggles a bit. A genuine true laugh. "I don't know. Probably forever.... are you sure it's not a problem?" He bites his tounge, waiting for the "because I like him better" but it never came.
"Why would that be a problem? Sure, you're a pain the ass but you're my pain in the ass." He says, mindlessly sitting for a second before quickly saying "DON'T-"
As wade is on the brink of explosion from laughter and some smirky comments.
#deadpool and wolverine#poolverine#logan howlett#deadpool#wade wilson#deadpool 3#wolverine#tw voices#tw mental illness#for the love of god please never tell someone you like them better when theyre manic or having an episode.#thats a very shitty thing to do#personality disorder#perhaps alters? I dont think so but who knows. the idea of him having DID is possible since his abusive childhood but we never really see#him behaving differently for more then a day or so or when he's lost someone so behavioural change would make sense.#tell me your take on this!#what do you think?
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THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH??? (Speaking about the Autism and PMDD statistic specifically)
#yall i think my therapist is onto something#im fighting for my life out here with my periods#it honestly makes a lot more sense than bipolar 2 for me. i dont even fit the criteria for bipolar 2!!!#idk why the hospital i was at in april diagnosed me with type *1*(aka the more severe type that includes manic episodes) considering the#psychiatrist talked to me for like twenty minutes as a whole for the five to six days i was even there#and i dont have enough bpd traits to be diagnosed so that's not something we are really considering anymore#autism + trauma + pmdd= kota's very weird mood swings?#premenstrual dysphoric disorder#pmdd#cptsd#autism#actually autistic#mental health#tw: mental illness#tw: periods#reblog#💫donnie text post💫#💫donnie gets real.tag💫
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dolly 😵💫
#dollette#ballet#whimsical#girl blogger#coquette#this is what makes us girls#blondie#dollygirl#dollcore#bimbo doll#ultraviolence#hell is a teenage girl#the virgin suicides#queer#ethel cain#bed rotting#female hysteria#lana is god#get ready with me#ootd#softcore#sweet lolita#lolita fashion#old school lolita#young forever#a#catholique#i love me so much#girl interupted syndrome#manic episodes
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from this thing on twt
#vargas#edgar vargas#vargas zarla#zarla s#sunny's art#jthm#shitpost#johnny c#didn't like this one that much so i didn't even post it on twt lolz#i was like " hmmm who should be the big-eyed one#at first i thought nny would be the one asking but i recently read this sidefic where edgar is trying to make things#less awkward by filling the silence with questions#so i was like lol imagine edgar just asking nervously#brusk also told me the same thing and mmmyes#i wanted to wait to do another sketchdump so i could post this one but i didn't want to wait till the trend was ove#also it's not like have anything else to post . i just have some stupid crossover i did of vargas and code lyoko#really poorly made sketches too so i don't think i'll post them they're also in spanish#the only one in english is this one of jeremie taking edgar to the factory#and edgar's like “ a supercomputer ? while jeremie's thinking something like ” i need to launch a return to the past#why would edgar even know about the supercomputer in the first place though#idk all of those doodles were so pointless but fun to do#i have those and some drawings of edgar bleeding to death but i'm NOT posting those#lol i drew nny's boots he looks so silly#i'm currently working on the askblog ( just setting answers together so i can work on them later#idk if i'm happy or if this is just a manic episode but I FEEL GREAT bye#won't schedule this one like the others bc this is just a silly thing
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what’s there not to understand about hypomania? you know when you get overtired, and like a toddler, you get all hyperactive and also want to cry or do Every Fun Thing you can think of and it actually becomes harder to sleep? like as a result of too much overwhelm or being so emotionally exhausted that’s how your body makes you able to cope, the aftereffects of too much adrenaline? just imagine being stuck like that. and every day it triggers itself more, overload of emotional whiplash and energy and you’ve lost all ability to think rationally and you can do anything at this point, because why not? you’ve got nothing left in you to hold back on any idea that could be exciting and stop you from falling into the void where the wiredness you feel has nothing to latch onto to burn off that nervous energy in a positive way, emotionally. for days or weeks or months on end. you don’t need to have ever experienced this fully to extrapolate and be like. yeah. I can see how it would suck eventually to get stuck like that
#at this point I’m begging people to see the overlap with adhd too bc anecdotally it seems like everyone I know also has that#and the overlap with bpd and hpd but I think the main difference is. being stuck in that high energy state. even when the energy turns sad#and bitter and hopeless. it’s essentially just overstimulation from your own brain. gets stuck overstimulating itself to cope maybe?#like i know people say it’s not triggered by life events but they sometimes can trigger it. but imho depression is gonna trigger it too#eventually. anything where everything is Too Much can start the positive feedback loop that’s almost impossible to turn off#which if you don’t know what a positive feedback loop is. means smth triggers smth which goes back and triggers its original trigger#thus getting bigger and bigger in magnitude. it’s like the chicken and the egg. egg makes chicken and chicken makes egg. more egg more#chicken and more chicken more egg. as opposed to a negative feedback loop which by the time there gets enough of smth it stops triggering#making more of it. your body relies on negative feedback loops for smth called homeostasis which is basically keeping everything stable#so obv positive feedback loops are gonna do the opposite of stable. in this case for your energy and your mood#most people are able to sleep better when they’re tired. my hypothesis of hypomania is when being tired makes you less able to rest#and that obviously spirals in on itself. mania would just be an extension of that I guess? but in some people it does happen really fast so#I get the narrative that it’s a chemical imbalance bc it is. but the specific imbalance being the tendency to a positive feedback loop make#more sense to me too. and can be why predictability and external cycles to ground yourself to are so important#there’s also never a 0% chance of you ever having a manic episode btw. anyones brain can theoretically get into this loop it’s just that if#you’re genetically predisposed to bipolar you’re much more likely to! and that’s okay. you can manage it with meds and lifestyle#but it makes sense why lowering stress (which can trigger this cycle) is such an important part of treatment and management#anyway. hopefully I’m not like. horribly horribly wrong or smth. in the end I can only speak for my experience so lmk if I’m missing smth#bipolar awareness#bipolar 2#hypomania#personal mental health tag#neurodivergence#would you believe I was reminiscing about a concert I went to once. and it made me think of all this
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Where are my "Pharma has an untreated mental illness that's exponentially making his trauma and shitty coping mechanisms worse" headcanon enjoyers at (big fan of manic bipolar!Pharma myself)
#squiggposting#pharma apologism#to me luna-1 is pharma having a manic episode the whole time#ratchet literally says 'calm down you're buzzing' at one point sdlkfjdsl#also potentially a 'pharma has OCD' enjoyer depending on me refreshing my research on the topic to see if it makes sense
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AmberLynn Reid doesn’t understand she is also very privileged.
ALR loves to bring up how thin people are more privileged than bigger people will ever be, and I’m not going to deny a majority of society does tend to favour people who aren’t as big.
But ALR fails to acknowledge just how privileged she is as well. The fact that she’s able to plate herself more than three times a day is beyond a privilege. There are times, mainly in my past (I’m doing a bit better nowadays), when I didn’t know when my next meal was. There was a time when I literally was only able to eat my melatonin gummies for two days because that was the only source of food in the house.
I’ve literally had large portions of my hair fall out just from brushing or washing it because of how malnourished I was. ALR is so privileged to just film a stupid, half assed vlog and have enough money to pay her bills, stock her fridge and cabinets, and still be able to afford stuff for her three pets and buy bathroom essentials (shampoo, toilet paper, soap, etc).
I literally don’t want to hear it from her that she grew up poor and had a traumatic childhood, because guess what. There are so many people who share similar childhood experiences as her (such as myself) and aren’t using it as a random defence mechanism.
You don’t get to use ‘I had a traumatic childhood’ as a response for pity. I’m not going to deny ALR may have very well had a traumatic upbringing and grew up poor, but that fact that she currently has the ability to pick herself back up but actively chooses not to is just… and don’t even get me started on the way she self sabotages omg…
Okay I’m blabbering on now, sorry for that. Disclaimer; I understand eating disorders (in the context, an over eating disorder) can very much take over your life, and a rough upbringing won’t do anything to help it. It’s the fact that she doesn’t care to pick herself back up though. ALR is privileged in certain ways where other people struggle; Having an easy source of money (imo), being able to plate her food, etc.
And I’m genuinely not sorry if I sound mean in this post. ALR is not a ‘good’ person imo. Even if she decides to pick herself up, get her act together, take responsibility, and becomes a genuinely decent human being… that won’t erase all the harm she managed to cause throughout the years (speaking from the perspective of a person that experienced an abuser very similar to ALR for years).
#if anyone wants to screenshot or share this post pls dm to ask me first as I did share vulnerable aspects of my personal life here#I didn’t check this over and may make edits if I notice anything I messed up on#Amber Lynn reid#text#amberlynn reid#rant#vent#manic episode#gorl world#alr
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if i had a dollar for every time a religious missionary knocked on my door to "spread the good news" while i was actively in an acute mental health crisis i'd have 2 dollars, which isnt a lot but also. how many times does this have to happen before they stop coming.
#technically ive actually had three but the ones where they come to my home feel more violating and embarrassing#heads up im going to talk about grim things but its so bananas that its hard not to talk about#2 years ago i had one come while i was Participating In An Activity One Does When You're Grappling With SI#and it was a very bad time and an overall terrible encounter#especially bc it was obvious at the time i was deeply unwell but of course they didnt want to actually address it#and today i had two come while i was having an active manic episode and looked DEEPLY insane and was in the middle of some bullshit#and both times as soon as i opened the door i can tell theyre like 'oh fuck' and realize that theres something serious going on#but at the same time. play stupid games win stupid prizes.#if someone is having a MH crisis they try to do it in a safe and private environment like their gotdamn house for a reason w/o strangers#and if you just show up unannounced to talk about Mormonism to a random persons house theres a good chance youre going to be-#interrupting something and that something isnt always good#i know door-to-door solicitors are '''normal''' but the whole thing really whacks me out and makes me feel kind of angry
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silly vampire costumes and their added benefits™️ (directly based on this)
#and just when you thought I wouldn't take an opportunity to draw fall alt Morty simply because it's not October - you f o o l s !!! /lh#this was actually quite an old doodle that I managed to finally get to as a treat for myself since work has been quite overwhelming skdjfns#I just wanted an excuse to draw Morty all flustered and shy really eeeeeeeeee (those lip stains are Eusine's ofc) 💕💕💕💕💕💕#I'll make a proper post for it later but I'll skip the comic update this weekend so that I could unwind and attend this con I've been eyein#(it's a local Pokemon Con where I plan to just - splurge my savings on merch really SKDJFSKJDFNSD bc I deserve it methinks)#(I have the update planned as well- I just don't wanna stress myself by rushing it --- I wanna make it the best I could hehe ✨)#I'll also !!! share that I've recently started the Magnus Archives and have been on . a MANIC binge on it since last week#(I'm clinically diagnosed as bipolar this is okay for me to saySKJDFNSJKFDSND)#but oh my god I've just been--so addicted to it - I've just recently started S4 and I'm Severely Depressed by it but god I am---#--loving each and every moment of it so much I am So Indescribably Insane about it#part of me wishes I started investing in podcasts sooner really - it fits my nature of work quite perfectly#I'm nearing the end (it ends at S5 - 200 episodes) so I'll finally be able to participate in fanworks after that wish me luck y'allSKJDFNSD#sacredshipping#morty/eusine#morty x eusine#gym leader morty#morty pokemon#mystery man eusine#eusine pokemon#fall morty#pokemon#pokemon masters#pokemon masters ex#pmex#pokemas
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screaming into the void <3
#my best friends boyfriend (who i’ve also been friends with for years) is just. not himself rn#we think it’s a manic episode but we don’t really know but it’s. terrifying lowkey#he thinks he’s genuinely jesus and that he’s conquered time and that he and my bsf are adam and eve#he’s been sending my bsf liek hundreds of texts per day since tuesday but it got really really bad and incoherent yesterday#and i woke up this morning to see multiple texts from gcs he created w me in them#and he keeps being like ‘because it’s 6:20 this is true’ and like ‘i know that at 9 pm everyone is gonna understand’#and he’ll text like 5 times then send a sc of what he just texted like that proves something but it’s all nonsense#i’m just really really concerned cause he really needs help but i don’t know how to ensure that happens cause he’s 19. not a minor#he’s just. not him rn. he’s called my bsf multiple times yesterday when he HATES calling normally#he had his band and his mom over in his apartment yesterday cause my bsf called his mom and h went to his bands show but was visibly not ok#and he saw nothing weird about it even tho he hates having ppl over normally and never without warning#and you can’t get him to see logic because everything you say he just twists around to work for him#to be clear it was not this bad when it started. when it started it seemed like normally maybe slightly out there conclusions he was drawing#but it just got worse and worse like exponential decay and really bad yesterday#he also didn’t sleep at all yesterday night and idk if he slept tonight#i know his mom took his phone at one point but he texted me and gcs w me in it starting at like 6:20 this morning#and my bsf and i and friends are on a trip out of state rn but we’re leaving today and i don’t wanna wake her up until i have to because#this is literally hell for her. but it’s just. scary. i don’t know what to do. i don’t think there’s any good options really for me rn#i want to warn ppl and try to explain he’s Not Him rn so they don’t get concerned but who knows if they’ll understand what i’m trying to say#i know it’s not the end of the world but it really feels like the end of my world as i know it if that makes sense#and my bsf lives with him in an apartment near their college and they just signed the lease for the next year#but she can’t stay there with him alone. not until he gets help. we’re all too scared it’s going in the directon where he thinks it’s better#for ppl to go to the afterlife. which like he never would normally. but he’s Not Him and so like. who knows#he keeps talking about all these different dimensions and how you need to travel to the 7th dimension to understand#my bsf was crying yesterday and she called her mom to explain and she keeps saying that she just wants her jake back it’s really scary#cause he will probably never be the same again. he’ll be similar but different but she wants his comfort but he’s Not Him. and can’t give it#i just. really want this to get better but it’s so hard to see that happening rn
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I might actually have to go to a doctor this is getting bad
#rotating between manic Beika episodes and wanting to fucking krill myself because of my period is doing me shit#and the ocd#oh my god#the intrusive thoughts are so bad#i want to bite out my veins#and that mf fandom trauma be kickin in and that shit makes me wanna lobotomize myself#someone rip out my frontal lobe so I can forget all the pain the splatoon fandom caused me PLLEEEAAAASSSSSEEEEEE#but Splatbands are still my hyperfixation unfortunately#and it doesn't help when my period is throwing me into manic Beika episodes#and like#I don't mind my manic Beika episodes they're fun!#they're not fun when I fall into depression and want to fucking kill myself 10 minutes after it's over#or when they remind me of how badly I have been hurt by that fandom#put me on birth control that doesn't work or violently knock me into a coma fucking please I want to die
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You know when you're too normal and suddenly you need to be weird? (Cut to the guys omega doing Michael Jackson moves in public)
Me rn
#i'm fully embracing the feral today#i'm gonna regret this soon#but idc rn things are awesome#which should be concerning given the circumstances#honestly though i gotta have my yearly manic episode at some point#best to get it over with now#i have nothing i can make worse in my life#so yeah that's probably why i'm manic#it's just a giant circle#what is life but a giant circle repeating over and over and over again#round and round it goes like the earth on its axis#have you ever thought about how weird earth and space and planets are#like we're just on a ball floating through space rn#there could be millions of other lifeforms on balls just floating through space out there too and they have no idea we exist#because they look at earth from millions of lightyears away and they see dinosaurs#space gives me existential crisis every time i think about it#i'm gonna go now before i start spiraling#answered#sm feralcore
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I have Hawkeye on now and im using Hawkeye rambling on about the bones in the skull as the foundation for my new headcanon that he'll just start listing off different bones when he needs to keep himself awake or calm himself down
#mash#hawkeye pierce#this is one of my fav episodes it gets me emotional over him#he crawls out of the crashed Jeep to make sure the kids are ok he's so scared that he hurt them :(#when he pulls the rubber glove out to blow up and give to them as a toy...#and how frank he is about how he's terrified to fall asleep even though he KNOWS he won't die in his sleep#he's so disoriented and scared bouncing back and forth between manic singing and monologuing to being genuine and vulnerable#his monologue about hands and human condition and love gets me in my feelings#and when he goes back to thank the family and drop off gifts...#Hawkeye ilu#both the episode and the character
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.
#I made a wandavision au around this time last year during a slightly manic episode and most of it doesn’t make sense#BUT#helen as agatha? that still makes my brain go nuts that’s still perfect casting to me#I’ll never top it
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i hate posting about being mentally ill bc it feels cringe but i just need to say i'm feeling horrible lately 👍
#the kind of manic episode where i just feel like talking to any of my friends is bothersome LMAO#anyway i have a fucked up heart already but for some reason during episodes it beats faster and i just feel like i'm about to die.#anyone relate#mental health cw#ok. gonna make another trans dilf in bg3 to see if it will cure me
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