#Then and ONLY THEN can you write an ask about it on tumblr dot com

[st-alastors-confessional]

al, I overdosed on melatonin perc and xanax yesterday, I just wanted to take a nap. r drugs sins? I don’t feel sorry😒just wanted to ask

Drugs? A sin?

Oh-ho-ho, certainly not.

But safe practices are always paramount when consuming substances. I implore you to take care in future, my dear. I’d hate for anything to damage that wonderful soul of yours.

Your sins are forgiven.

St. Alastor

[macgyvermedical]

Study Strategies

For everyone asking "What does 'playing' with the material even mean when it comes to studying??"

Well, basically when you think about the material in a way that applies to your real life or interests, or that entertains you.

Writing a tumblr post about it (my blog started out as a study tool when I was in nursing school, because I re-wrote what I was learning in fandom/fic terms)

Talking about it or explaining it to a friend that is NOT in your field of study

Trapping your blorbos in a weird situation they can only get out of by learning the material (I once went through a whole scenario in my head about my blorbo getting injected with insulin and his friend having to figure out how long they had to give him sugar before they died to learn insulin onset-peak-duration)

Flash card "war" where 2 or more of your friends bring their flashcards and every time you or a friend puts down a card, the one that gets the answer the closest first wins the cards (google allowed)

Make a comedy routine about the material using only jokes that would be funny if someone understood it

Order a list of facts from least to most interesting- bonus points if you do it with a friend and you both have to agree, bringing your own arguments to the table as to why a particular fact deserves a certain rank

Finding an old textbook on the material at your school's library and figuring out what still holds up to today's knowledge

Find a group of people on the internet that are really interested in what you're studying and get the latest in DiscourseTM

Make the most misleading fact sheet you can make on the subject, with everything you say being technically true

Make a fact sheet that holds up to the reading comprehension of tumblr dot com

Basically anything that reframes studying from "I hate this and it takes up so much time" to "something I was probably going to do anyway for fun, but this time with more [subject]".

[bearseulgs]

enha is the type of boyfriend to...

gn!reader x ot7!enhypen

genre: fluff, love languages (?)

wc: 671

warnings: non-sexual dominance, physical affection (cuddling), slight implications of fights, slight implications of emotional constipation

희승 Heeseung

Heeseung is the type of boyfriend to insist he carry your bags for you when you go to the mall, or tie your shoes when they come loose

he isn't toxically masculine, nor is he too terribly jealous (still a bit tho), but he still commits acts of non-sexual dominance to ensure others know who you're with

his acts of service not only let you know that he's there for you, but also others around you

not only does he love showing off that he's yours, but he also loves making your life easier with simple actions

제이 Jay

Jay is the type of boyfriend to hold you any chance he gets

he loves having you in his arms, whether it's back hugs in the kitchen or laying down with you on the sofa

when he's tired, it's easy for him to knock out, but when he's exhausted, he wants you there with him

he's not a huge physical touch guy, yet he still jumps at any opportunity to hold you close, like offering you his lap when you have no seat

제이크 Jake

Jake is the type of boyfriend to want to be by your side through anything

whether you're cuddled up in bed or hiking a new trail, he loves spending time with you and will always ask you to go out with him, turning non-romantic activities into dates

his favorite is asking you to walk Layla or go grocery shopping with him because of how domestic it feels

he knows he wants you in his life forever, and so he will always try to include you in it

성훈 Sunghoon

Sunghoon is the type of boyfriend to tag along when you go out with your friends

he doesn't talk or act much, but he wants to spend the time with you

he values quality time, even if he's not proper interacting with you, having you close by is reassuring and intimate to him

it's convenient for him when your friends suddenly text you asking to go to the mall when he's at your house, because then he doesn't even have to ask; you just invite him with you

even though he feels safe enough to be louder around you, he feels especially safe knowing he can be quiet and just enjoy your presence

선우 Sunoo

Sunoo is the type of boyfriend to dote on you endlessly

he will pamper you with affection, care, and gifts at any opportunity, wanting nothing more than your happiness and wellbeing

one of his favorite things to do would be unwinding with you after a long day, preparing a bubble bath and laying a mask on your face

he would wash your hair for you, even though he is also exhausted, because it relaxes him to do these tasks for you and take care of you

정원 Jungwon

Jungwon is the type of boyfriend to get defensive of you

he knows you can fight your own battles, but that doesn't stop him from trying to do it for you

whether it's standing up against a bully or fending off a creep, Won will always guard you against offenders

it's his way of taking care of you and helping himself feel better about your condition

as much as he loves domestic care, he prides himself on being your defender (even if he gets a bit overprotective sometimes lol)

니키 Ni-ki

Ni-ki is the type of boyfriend to tease you up close and admire you from afar

as playful as he gets, you are still his one and only, and he can never forget that

if you're ever asleep with him, he'll admire your features, gazing softly at every detail of your face until you wake up, then he'll start poking at your cheeks and joking about how fluffy they get

as much as it seems he wouldn't want to get mushy, he still GUARANTEES you know how much he loves you

dating him, you have to be okay with playful bickering, but he also recognizes the importance of reassurance, even if it's not his strong suit

a/n: i felt kinda delulu rereading this and then i remembered i literally write fanfiction on tumblr dot com

©️ bearseulgs 2024

[asterythm]

on the ending of in stars and time:

an essay from someone who couldn’t sit with it at first, & a love letter to the fic that brought me here anyway. (…spoiler warning for in stars and time, naturally, but you knew that!)

if siffrin isat has taught me one thing it's that vulnerability is cool, actually, and being forthcoming and generous with love when there is love to be shared is how the coolest kids do it.

so. hello isat nation of tumblr dot com. i'm here because even after cutting out several chunks to shorten this significantly, i busted through the ao3 comment section character limit and still had more to say, so i needed somewhere to put it all that would let me go longer.

i’m pretty sure this post is for, like, three people, one of whom is me. but look, it’s been moved here to the webbed site so if you wanna read it anyway i won’t stop you!

=====

i think what it is, ultimately, is this: the ISAT canon ending was beautiful. it was an objectively well-written ending with so much love and hope and thematic satisfaction.

it also left me, for a period, with a deep and unshakeable sense of dread.

:)!!!!

now enter @faedemon's "None Forward & Two, Two, Two Steps Back" (hiya, fancy seeing you here), a two-chapter alt act 5 in which siffrin finds a New, Worse way to break the loops.

despite being, as mentioned, a notably worse outcome for everyone involved, this alt end managed to cut straight to the heart of that dread and settle it — and not in the sense of "oh, i like this alt ending better", or “oh, the canon ending looks better in comparison against this worse alt ending”, so much as "oh, thanks to this alt ending i am finally able to sit in a place where it no longer feels like the canon ending, as a beautiful outcome which felt impossibly lucky to get, is the only outcome in which life can go on — and my ability to accept it, and the game as a whole, is elevated for it."

which!! i mean!! i don’t know that that’s exactly what you set out to do; None Forward is explicitly a tragedy!! and one, as your tags say, written because the canon ending didn't ring true for you.

but I realized that the thing that was stopping me from enjoying ISAT’s canon ending was that ugly hard core that was still so, so scared after the canon ending of every way we (that is, siffrin + i as the player moving in that incredible ludonarrative lockstep with him, holy moly the harmony in this game) had not yet grown to earn it. 

=====

(I’ll take a sec here under the cut to say that when I played ISAT, and then for much of the month that followed, my main reason for engaging with it and its related content at all was that it was a piece of media that came fervently recommended by my incredibly dear friend @iconocat , who it had massively, violently impacted and whose media recommendations in general I trust more than anything.

so i played ISAT, and it was incredible. but even though it's a piece of media that just about hit on every point on my list of Things That Set My Brain On Fire, it failed somehow to. well. set me on fire — at least to the extent I was expecting it to. I still enjoyed myself in the few weeks afterwards of running through fan content and intentionally plunging myself into media analysis, but I was never convinced that I would be engaging with ISAT to the extent I was if it wasn't for the sake of trying to intentionally hack my brain to the point where I could share with my friend something so important to her at the same level of genuine investment. 

I’m telling you all this because, legitimately the same night I posted “nothing but a dull ache” (ie, if you're not charlie faedemon and are somehow caring to read this anyway, the epilogue oneshot I started feverishly writing the morning after reading None Forward), I realized through my rambling in my friend’s discord dms that reading None Forward was the moment the fire finally caught. I spent a month burying myself in ISAT content and asking myself “Is this natural yet?”. after None Forward, the answer to that question finally became a sure, wholehearted yes.)

=====

so anyway, back to the essay.

don't get me wrong. it's really, really nice, to read a story where the moral is less “you should have asked for help", and more “there are people who will unselfishly give the gift of a love that saves even when you cannot save yourself".

but that whole ending also was only able to happen because 1. they broke in a way no one should ever have to break, and 2. everyone involved got lucky.

which, in media, happens all the time!! it is not inherently dissatisfying for a narrative to wrap by saving you with luck and love in the nick of time!! in fact it should be incredibly satisfying, after the unambiguously-negative downward spiral into Director Siffrin who had begun to learn what to say and do to make his family behave exactly the way he needs them to, for a stroke of unpredictable luck brought about by factors entirely out of his control to finally be what sets him free.

but like... I think it's because the story is set in a situation where it's no longer true that luck and randomness is a factor by which anything significant can change.

we're hammered over the head with it: until and unless you do something to alter the course of events, they will not be altered. when you are the only dynamic element the world is reacting to in an otherwise looping course of events, you don't get to rely, anymore, on the idea that at any moment something could happen to save you. you have to assume that nothing will happen unless you make it.

and siffrin?? siffrin's literal motto was "stick to the script"!! they spend the loops with a mouth that kept closing tighter and tighter and tighter until i got to act 5 and watched them implode. and then I’m saved, and I know I haven't earned this. I get to the end and I'm still not telling them anything!! I wasn't supposed to get the good ending!! but I get away with it anyway with open arms and acceptance and unconditional love, and it's. kind of nauseating?

how am I ever supposed to learn and grow, if I didn't manage to change my behaviour even then under the threat of Eternal Looping Torment, and still got the good ending anyway? how can I prove there was an alternative way I could have broken free if things hadn't turned out so lucky in that one terrible act 5 loop?

I can't. and that's terrifying.

(aside: I’m speaking in the first person here to emphasize that the thing that got in my way is not because I don't believe siffrin is deserving of this love — quite the opposite, I think the driving force behind the good ending is that siffrin went scorched earth and saw he was loved anyway — but because this is a game designed to frequently encourage the player to deeply feel what siffrin is feeling throughout its course and. well. as a thing to happen to a fictional character it's beautiful. as a takeaway for the player, it's... harder.)

and that's where None Forward comes in. (i’ve already written thousands of words in comments and epilogue fic declaring my love by now, but i mean. im hoping you won’t mind just a liiiittle more.)

None Forward shows a devastatingly written, all-too-believable version of what might have happened if siffrin didn't get lucky, and the loops continued, and they kept clinging to the script and refusing to Look At It and successfully stagnating and stagnating and stagnating as they were so determined to do. and it's bad, it's worse, it's way way worse — but there's no reliance on outside factors. it comes completely from within siffrin and loop, the only dynamic pieces in the world, finally breaking out.

it was the terrible, nightmarish unfairness of the loops brought to their natural, just-south-of-inevitable conclusion.

and yes, it's a terrible, unfair conclusion, but the loop still breaks.

in a roundabout way, it... gives me so much hope. if the outside factors were different, if the stars did not align just right to allow siffrin's family to get there on time to save them, if siffrin never learned to open their mouth, which by all means seems like the likeliest course of events... they'd still get out. worse for wear, and separated by a gap unbridgeable, but out.

there is a future. there is freedom.

=====

to speak more specifically on dull ache, if you'll forgive the indulgence, just since this was originally meant to be in a reply to the author in my own comments section:

I think I so desperately needed to write it with a focus on the family siffrin left behind because I wanted to prove, if just for myself, that in that barely-dodged alternative there still could be a future for everyone. (isabeau's just happened to be the voice in which dull ache came to me, but the point was to create an epilogue for all four.)

for the rest of the family, who was not quite so deeply ravaged but was still left in a bad way at the end of None Forward, and for whom randomness is not pretty much unequivocally good just by virtue of being better than the alternative like it is for siffrin and loop (more on that in a sec), I could see it mattering more to set specific pieces up precisely, and I could actually imagine the pieces I could set up that could have a meaningful impact in the immediate future.

so. y’know. I set them, in the way I happened to want to. granted, with some extra... divine indulgence, but siffrin's departure from their family's perspective at the end of None Forward was definitely Wrong but not so obviously wrong that I could believe that without it they wouldn't otherwise either (a) go hunting him down to force out the truth, which felt Worse, or (b) just "accept" that it was as simple as Siffrin not actually caring about them/brushing them off and thus intentionally fade him into the distance in their minds to deal with it. which felt like the WORST POSSIBLE THING.

you'd think it might make more sense to have done this for siffrin and loop, instead. they're arguably the ones who need it most, after all, so why not build them up from rock bottom as a sweeping show of "things get better"?

but... i think it doesn't need to be written to have faith that it will happen: the very fact that Siffrin is about to set out on a new journey in a reality where everything is a dynamic player just. immediately gives me hope all by itself. random lucky things that save you are so much more believable and wonderful when random lucky things in general are happening all the time, and you have all the time in the world for them to happen.

and anyway, I don't think this is the kind of future you’d write satisfyingly as a sequence of events at all. to heal from this is something that will take an incredible amount of time and nonlinear progress. 

until one day, through a series of disconnected small quiet gloriously-random lived experiences, without knowing when it happened or being able to trace it back, you realize, oh —

somewhere along the way, you came to know how to live again.

[fuckyeah-bears]

not that i truly care what rando losers on tumblr dot com think about me but i did just get an obnoxious as fuck message telling me about how internet activism and sharing things online isn't actually activism, trying to shame me into not posting as much or "torturing myself" by watching and sharing pictures and videos of what's going on in gaza. and it pissed me off enough to say this:

One, Palestinians have asked people to share and boost their content. That is a direct fucking ask from people in Gaza and Palestinians around the world. I will keep watching and sharing these photos and videos because it is what we have been asked to do by the people who are themselves experiencing genocide. Yes, it is depressing, yes it emotionally and mentally fucks me up. 100%. But i will keep doing it.

Two, literally none of you have ANY fucking idea what i am doing in real life to fight for Palestinian liberation. I don't need anyone on tumblr dot com's validation or approval and i'm certainly not stupid enough to dox myself online when every zionist shitbag, the police, and every employer out there is already trying to do that. but believe me when i say i have dropped pretty much everything else in my life to fight as hard as i fucking can to stop this genocide and work towards the Palestinian liberation.

Three, everyone needs to be doing shit in real life to fight to end the genocides going on right now. Only posting online does not count as activism, true. So take your conversations offline as well. Talk to people you know about Palestine, Sudan, and Congo. Read books and learn the histories. Write to and/or call your elected officials and government leaders and even the fucking bureaucrats. Join local solidarity and action groups working towards Palestinian liberation: Dissenters; DSA; JVP; SJP; AMP; IfNotNow are all US based groups that have local state chapters (idk too many groups outside of the US, sorry international friends). Participate in BDS, personally boycotting brands yourself, demanding your schools, workplaces, organizations, institutions, and governments divest from Israel. Attend rallies and protests and disruptions and vigils. Write to your local, state, and larger newspapers and demand they cover this genocide without bias, call them out for their shitty zionist reporting; write op-eds and letters to the editors. Sign up for webinars. If you can't leave the house or attend in-person events, you can make signs and banners for people and groups who can go. Start or join a campaign to pass a ceasefire resolution in your town/city; testify at town/city council or public comment about it & write to your local elected leaders. Donate to Palestinian and and relief orgs and charities if you can. And yeah, keep fucking sharing and uplifting and boosting Palestinian posts and voices online. The media is trying to repress the fuck out of them, so you we need to do our part to make sure their voices are seen and heard as widely and as loudly as possible.

And four, don't be a pretentious dick to strangers on the internet. You don't know shit about what people are doing in their real lives. This is just common fucking courtesy

Free Palestine 🇵🇸

[end-otw-racism]

End OTW Racism Link Round-Up: Week 1!

We are now in week two of our action demanding that OTW live up to its commitments to address racist harassment & abuse, which ends May 31st! There was a lot of great discussion during the first week, so we wanted to post a round-up of some of the longer-form discussion/analysis that people have been sharing (we're going with posts on Tumblr, Dreamwidth, and other sites, as well as Twitter threads that are longer than three tweets). These are posts that we think would be helpful to consider as fandom engages in the necessary conversations about these issues.

If we've missed something you've written, we'll be doing another round-up of week two, so it's not too late! You can either submit it on tumblr, tweet at us, or email us at endotwracism [at] gmail [dot] com. We do reserve the right to only share posts that are in line with the intent of the campaign and that we believe are adding to the conversation.

Tumblr

beatrice-otter: Why AO3 needs to be accountable for reducing fandom racism in its internal culture and the archive [link]

pretty-weird-ideas: End OTW Racism and the “Fed” Accusations [link]

aretethegreattelleroftales: You don’t understand what EndOTWRacism is asking for here, and because you clearly do not understand it, you should have known better than to speak on it. [link]

vex-verlain: In response to the reactions I’ve seen to #EndOTWRacism [link]

unrealromance: I don’t really understand how people don’t know the difference between ‘whoops I’ve fallen into a racist trope’ and 'I am literally writing hate speech that is unveiled, mask off’. [link]

pretty-weird-ideas: Codification of a Living Document as a solution to Harassment on OTW [link]

indifferentvincent: RE: End OTW Racism Derailment [link]

elumish: In light of some of the backlash to the End OTW Racism protest, and particularly the concern that an anti-harassment policy would lead to abuse of reporting mechanisms or censorship of unpopular authors/ships… [link]

seepunkrun: How to Find and Attend OTW Board Meetings [link]

indifferentvincent: The people who use the excuse of saying ao3 is an ‘archive’ and so 'must preserve’ the most vile, intentionally racist fics just sound like the most privileged motherfuckers on the planet to me. [link]

spacebeyonce & pretty-weird-ideas: wow this is such a normal and rational thing to say about having a diversity consultant to help ao3 fix their bullshit. [link]

indifferentvincent: I have to assume this is in regards to my promotion of the end-otw-racism call to action, because I don’t know what else it could be referencing. [link]

princeescaluswords: Writing Doesn’t Happen in a Void [link]

mousieta: There is a place, a magic place, a giant, ever growing park filled with sandboxes of every color and shape imaginable. [link]

Twitter

spacebeyonceart: alright so I want to talk about this post I made two years ago now that the #EndOTWRacism ball is finally rolling. [link]

generalfrings: This shit makes me so goddamn angry, yall. [link]

eruthosish: One of the calls of #EndOTWRacism is to improve the AO3's Terms of Service and how the AO3 deals with fanworks that are part of an offsite harassment campaign, so I wanted to share a story about the only time I have ever reported offsite harassment and had Abuse agree with me. [link]

buttonthemdown: They've proven they can move quickly *when they want to*, but the fact the OTW hasn't made an official statement acknowledging their lack of action and pledging to do better sends a signal they don't care about their POC fans. [link] 

Clonehub7567 Seeing the reactionary dismissals of #EndOTWRacism from white fans who pretend to care about racism is reminding me of the backlash i/we got for #UnwhitewashTBB. [link]

hydrochaeris3: ppl who are worried that not participating in the call to action will get them labeled racist..... first of all once again yall are showing that you care more about what others might label you than putting forth tangible effort into caring for a community [link]

m_sketchyart: If you think that #EndOTWRacism is censoring your escapism, here’s a thought to chew on: why is being anti-racist a threat to your escapism? Is true escapism not also leaving racism, antiBlackness, fatphobia, abeism, misogyny, etc out of your escapism? /rh  [link]

lunedraws: Have you wanted to walk the walk and not just talk the talk, re: racism, in one or more of your fandom spaces? This is a concise and timely line of actions we can take. [link]

aliasmarionette: One thing I see a lot in #EndOTWRacism comments which are in favour of the status quo is assumptions about who we mean by fandom, and about the user base of the Archive. [link]

SapphicScholar: New profile photo while participating in the important fan-led campaign to demand that OTW make good on the promises it has already made to address issues it has already acknowledged as problems in the archive—that is, instances of extreme racist harassment and abuse [link]

Fansplaining: Since the endotwracism campaign has begun, we wanted to highlight the timeline they've put together about the OTW's communications re: hiring a diversity consultant since their initial statement of commitment in the summer of 2020. [link]

gwenpendrcgon: ive seen so much backlash over #EndOTWRacism which shouldnt surprise me (also majority of this comes from tumblr is also to be expected) but most if not all backlash received by this event is done is such bad faith and complete wilful ignorance [link]

fiercynonym: so op of the #EndOTWRacism post on reddit dm-ed me and the situation is even more fucked up than i originally knew???  [link]

kitschlet: seeing a lot of people confused about what the OTW can do to address racism [link]

generalfrings: poor AO3 maintaining a 'absurdly heavy site'. all that text! [link]

RukminiPande: Fan scholars should be paying attn to #EndOTWracism. [link]

Saathi1013: The thing to notice about all the assertions that people know who's behind EOTWR is like... Okay, there are a few things, actually [link]

buttonthemdown: If you think that victims of racism need to "develop a thicker skin" you're a fucking racist [link]

mousieta: if i could have people understand one thing abt #endotwracism right now is that This issue matters not because racism makes you feel bad, or uncomfy, or squicky but because racism is actively harming Real Living Breathing Fans right now. [link]

fiercynonym: okay so…you know how OTW has been saying, when asked at meetings, that they have a budget surplus of about USD $1 million? well…manogirl & i did some digging, and it might actually be more than TWO AND A HALF MILLION USD. [link]

runpunkrun: Speaking of OTW Board meetings, if you're interested in attending, here's what you need to know [link] 

Dreamwidth

satsuma: A Chronic Habit of Avoiding Responsibility? #EndOTWRacism [link]

bcgphoenix: I have a lot of feelings about OTW and End OTW Racism as a book conservator/general preservation person, most of which verge into tl;dr territory. [link]

killabeez: Looking at past archive policies [link]

nyctanthes: End OTW Racism (Fannish Fifty #47) [link]

chestnut_pod: Be more democratic, be more autocratic, OTW [link]

Other sites

Lady’s Weblog: End Racism in the OTW [link]

The Rec Center: #384 Final Thoughts [link]

Stitch’s Media Mix: I’m Supporting #EndOTWRacism [link]

[almaadst]

THE WAITING LIST IS OPEN!   💌   stadmaal[at]gmail[dot]com  ⬇️ more info below  ⬇️

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What I WILL draw: - Fanart and Original Characters - Real people and Self-Inserts - Couples of any gender (WLW/MLM etc) - Animals/Monsters/Creatures - soft NSFW (only with adult characters - NSFW fee included!) - action/gore/violence - anthropomorphic characters (If you are not sure if I will draw what you want - just ask!) What I will NOT draw: - sexualized: minors, celebrity - fetishes

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[cryobabyy]

I’m ngl, I’m having a hard time getting down with the whole “s3 had no character development” take. I think theres a lot of conflation between the actual term character development and positive development. Characters can also develop negatively. In the case of s3, Carmen gets worse, Sydney’s conflict avoidance gets worse, Richie’s identity as a father is changing, Marcus is reckoning with his mother’s death, etc. I don’t think there’s a lack of character development, I think it was more so an issue with pacing. If the pace is off, it can literally feel like nothing is happening.

This season we saw a lot of internal conflict — a lot of shots sequences cut together to represent what’s going on in their heads, subtext heavy writing etc. I think the show also has a problem with substituting a solid plot with subtext. It’s lowkey exhausting to follow along with. For Carmy and Sydney — the two most avoidant characters on the show — their shared screen time felt a bit aimless because you have to constantly consider this intricate ass subtext and apply it to all of their interactions, and if you don’t the scene feels empty. The constant parallels, double-meanings, call backs, etc — it was all just… exhausting. And that’s coming from someone whose special interest is meta analysis lol.

I think you can apply this logic to the plots of all the seasons as well. S1-2 had subtext, but were fairly straight forward plot progression wise. The casual viewer could understand and enjoy the story easily, and the viewer that likes to engage with media on a deeper level can delve into the details.

But in s3, like 80% of the conflict is occurring internally with the main plot of the season being trying to keep The Bear afloat and to keep operating costs of the restaurant within reason, which doesn’t feel super important because the only person telling us it’s important is Cicero — and he’s quite literally just telling us, we never see how The Bear is taking a financial toll on him, he just pops in every once and a while to remind us that they’re in big financial trouble while Carmy keeps wasting food, Tina shops for ingredients that are outside of their budget, Sydney barely brings it up at all, and everyone generally keeps operating as if they aren’t in deep financial shit.

The first watch experience for me was pretty rough, and I frequently asked myself “What am I supposed to be paying attention to? Where am I supposed to look? What is actually supposed to be important? Why does it simultaneously feel like so much is happening subtextually but the plot is progressing at a snails pace?”.

The second watch of some of the episodes was much smoother, but only because I took the time to try and deconstruct exactly what I saw via feverish and unhinged meta analysis on tumblr dot com. I think this is a big reason why this season had less than stellar reviews. The average person does not want to do homework to enjoy a show.

My final consensus is that I don’t feel like it was a bad season. I could tell what the writers were trying to do, but a lot of it just didn’t land. What was supposed to be tense, introspective, and slow-storytelling came across as aimless directionless and confusing.

Here’s to hoping season 4 will be an improvement lol

Less serious shit that pissed me off

- over relying on the Faks for comedic relief

- Pete constantly being the butt of the joke for???? Being pleasant and sweet?

- the way less miserable characters are treated like caricatures

- NO EPISODE ABOUT FRONT OF HOUSE???

- NO EBRA CHARACTER PIECE????

- Sweeps lore being reduced to a filler scene, smdh

- mid build up and no pay off

[kiwiana-writes]

hey! I recently discovered your writing and I really love it but I have to ask you a question. you seem to write a lot of kink and I love that but: are you into pet play? it's a boundary for me for authors not to be into kinks that skirt around illegal acts so if you could let me know if your work is safe for me to read that would be great. thanks!

I got this last night and didn’t have the wherewithal to deal with it, and now I’m running on like 4.5 hours sleep, so… I’m going to treat this more as a general PSA than anything else.

So:

1) If your concern is that at some point in some hypothetical future I may write Kink X, Trope Y, Pairing A/Z, or anything along those lines, and me doing so would make you regret interacting with any of my previous work: please assume that I may do so, and curate your experience accordingly. I’ve written a bunch of things that I have, at some point in my life, said “I don’t think I’ll ever write that”—not because I was being a dirty liar, but because things change. There are also things I have written in the past that I have no plans to write in the future. Tastes shift over time, and so does what feels easy/fun to write; not to mention some things just hit different with different ships.

2) If your concern is more rooted in whether I think it’s fine for other people to write Kink X, Trope Y, Pairing A/Z, or anything along those lines—you should ABSOLUTELY assume the answer is “yes” and proceed accordingly. There are a whole bunch of kinks, tropes, and ships I am simply not into that exist on a continuum from “not my jam but if I writer I love tackles it I’m at least willing to give it a go” through to “if I never see evidence that this exists again it will be too soon”, but I do not believe that my personal tastes or sensibilities should be the yardstick by which fics are allowed or not allowed to be written. My personal tastes and sensibilities are the yardstick by which I READ fics, because I am in complete control of my own fandom experience.

3) If the information you need to proceed is what I am personally into, you can in fact fuck off. You are not entitled to this information. Kink writers are not required to disclose their kinks to you, in the same way you shouldn’t be demanding anyone’s sexuality/gender/trauma to determine whether they’re ‘allowed’ to write about a particular topic. I have been dealing with this shit on and off for YEARS, both from a ‘how dare you get turned on by this’ angle and from a ‘how dare you write this if you’re NOT turned on by this’ angle, and both takes are invasive and obnoxious. This is, incidentally, why I really hate the rhetoric of “the hottest fics are the ones the author wrote with one hand haha”—both because it’s really fucking weird to speculate on the sexual proclivities of someone who is usually a stranger, and because in my experience it simply isn’t true. I have really successful kink fics that are kinks I’m into and really successful kink fics that are things that don’t do it for me; I have less successful kink fics that I personally find really hot and less successful ones that I don’t. I have personal kinks and fetishes I’ve never written and probably never will (although, see point 1) because I worry that readers will perceive me a little too much. The only thing you’ll learn about my relationship to kink from reading my fics is the things I find psychologically interesting to write about.

4) I have fundamentally zero interest in debating the ~ethics~ of any particular kink, in fiction or otherwise, but I absolutely recommend perfecting the art of being squicked out or even disgusted by something without attaching any moral superiority to that feeling.

Like… curate your own experience, my friend. If you need to block me, block me. That’s cool. If you’re a regular reader/commenter/someone I interact with on tumblr dot com I’ll be sad to see you go, but you gotta do what you gotta do to make fandom fun and comfortable for you. But I tag my kink fics, so the ones that yuck your personal yum should be pretty easy for you to avoid.

[jolalibrary]

HAPPY HOUR with jo

sometimes, a poll happens here on a Thursday. but this week a good thing happened to me (I passed my exam, will I shut up about this? eventually, but not today) and to celebrate I thought we could celebrate one another? sometimes, real life is hard, and this is our sanctuary to escape to, and while I can’t bring cake or flowers to everyone, I thought this is a nice way to let people feel celebrated. so let’s have a happy hour (will continue until the asks stop). you can begin sending in now, but I’ll begin answering in a few hours.

rules:

✨ be positive

to enter happy hour, either send in:

✨ something good that happened to you this week that you want to share and celebrate

✨ share that you completed making a challenging gif set, writing a oneshot/series or creating a piece of art? send in a link, let’s eat cake over it it! (only rules for this one is that it has to be the one you’re proudest of to do date — only because there’s lots of lovely fic rec spaces and im not trying to smother over them with this)

✨ a nice message to someone you love on tumblr dot com

✨ share a happy thot or idea over characters — let’s ramble

✨ share your fave photo of pedro or ppcu character

✨ anything positive you’d love to share

and just add #HappyHour within your ask

for those that reblog, if you’re inspired to start your own, please feel free to copy my rules and guidelines, but please just link back to this/tag me so I can see all the positive! 🩷

tagging some no pressure moots: @thetriumphantpanda @hellishjoel @goodwithcheese @secretelephanttattoo @psychedelic-ink @fuckyeahdindjarin @janaispunk @swiftispunk @joelscruff @mrsmando @morallyinept @lavendertales

[fanaticsnail]

Okay you guys, I don't know what to do about this silly problem and it's getting a little bit annoying for me.

If you've sent me an ask, know that I have actively seen it in my notifications and I want to respond. Truly, truly. You guys are the best and I can't believe the sheer number of you that want to talk to little ol' me.

However.

My asks are broken again.

It starts off with the initial number I think I have, (mostly kissing booth requests and I love you all for it. So many kisses, and I can't wait to write them), and then it only shows 20.

I click in there, and it doesn't even load. Like it does the little circle rotaty-loady thing and it refuses to load, and then I click back and it shows 20.

But when it does load for me, I have a little bit of a pitter patter of my heart about the ideas you guys have and what you want to see written! I have no idea what to do aside from signing out, signing in, deleting it, redownloading it and hoping it doesn't do the same thing again.

I am doing my absolute best in attempting to keep track of fics, ficlets, drabbles and those of you who just want to chat about your day, and talk your ideas through. It's just super frustrating about the tech issue. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. If you've sent me an ask that you've written to me months ago and I finally answer it with a fic, I'm truly sorry for the delay. I assure you, I am getting through them!

I am also still on holiday, and will be returning home and settling in later this week. Maybe chef-husband can sort it out (or his hetero life-mate of a best friend who is an absolute champion in all things tech).

Just thought I'd let you know it's not you, it's not me, it's Tumblr. Gosh, I feel like the elderly grandparent asking their adult grandchild how to get the firefoxes to work with the google gmail dot com.

That's all from me for now. I will get back to full fics soon, I promise! 🐌🖤

[ragnarokhound]

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Let’s spread the self-love ♥️

Thanks for the ask!! <33 Ohhh my favorite five fics I've written... how dare you make me choose not one but five favorite children lmao but in no particular order below the cut:

Sit, Stay, Speak - DC - Jaytim - Rated E Not my first attempt at Jason POV, but the first fic with Jason POV I actually finished :') I have such a soft spot for this fic because I adore both a) accidentally falling in love with someone in their absence and b) accidental vulnerability. Revealing inadvertently that you adore someone when you didn't think they were listening - and having that reciprocated. Hee hee hoo hoo ha ha

Handstands For You - Teen Wolf - Sterek - Rated E I know most of the folks who follow my fics are here for DC/Jaytim, but this is the fic I thank forever and always for getting me back into writing! Definitely proof to myself that I could do it, start, middle and end :) And if you like the way I write pining, werewolves, and a fun mystery that isn't really that mysterious, you may enjoy this one ;)

open my heart and let it bleed (onto yours) - DC- Jaytim - Rated E Speaking of werewolves, if you've read this one or been following me for longer than five minutes then you knew it would be on this list I think lmao. What can I say, I, tumblr user ragnarokhound, like werewolves (!) and think vampires should try dating them (!!) and biting them (!!!) and sharing the weight of their monstrosity more often (OTL) ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Snapshots: Chapter 2 “Tell me to stay and I will be here for as long as you’ll have me.” - DC - Jaytim - Rated M I really enjoyed writing these hurt/comfort prompt fills last year(ish), and of the three I've gotten around to posting (OTL i will finish that last one... eventually... jaytim exchange comes first lmao) I had the most fun with this one! The batfam is riddled with trauma and while I haven't examined it very closely in some of my other fics, I really enjoyed digging into Jason in this one. Sorry buddy 😔but at least he's got a Tim to sit with, so... win? <3

not from the stars do i my judgment pluck - DC - Jaytim - Rated M I had a great (if wild and mildly stressful) time writing for jaytim week this year, and while I'm pleased with all of them (secretary fic takes the cake), this one is my favorite of the unexpected fics lol. It started with the last few paragraphs of the last scene, and while I wasn't planning on writing much at first, I needed to support them adequately fjdlsjfafds WE GOTTA EARN THAT BINARY STAR METAPHOR, OKAY, YOU DON'T JUST GET TO DROP THAT SHIT FOR FREE-- (And this is why I have a million WIPs OTL)

(And I barely restrained myself from including literally any of my Sorcerer's Son fics on this list, but thats because a) they are older and I've learned a lot since writing them and b) I know that maybe three people on this planet would care enough about those books to read them, and none of them follow me on tumblr dot com fjdlsfja.

Y'ALL DON'T UNDERSTAND. FELDAR SEPWIN THOUGHT HIS LIFE WOULD BE BRUTALLY OVER AT THE AGE OF 12 AND NOW HE IS A SEER WHO STEERS NOT ONLY HIS OWN DESTINY BUT THE DESTINIES OF OTHERS AND HE DESERVES A HOT, POWERFUL, CLUELESS HUSBAND CHILDHOOD-FRIENDS-TO-LOVERS STYLE, I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL BECAUSE I PILED THE DIRT ON THIS BEACH MYSELF--)

[cinamun]

i'm anon who sent the question and the link. wanted to say that i love your story and I've been following since hope ran away. every morning i log onto tumblr dot com and search up your page for updates before i get started on my work for [redacted] class/degree! and I've definitely sent my fair share of anons (most notably the victoria monet one... i turn 21 next month lmao!) and when I'm not showing my age over music or remembering irrelevant trivia (i was also sent the anon about the elliot ham sandwich-suicide foreshadowing) that i wanna ask about, i'm definitely sending asks about how much i appreciate ur story and the details you put into it (which is what makes it so engaging tbh)! i just wanted to make it clear that i respect u as a creator and think you're such a talented simmer and put any issues the other anon had to rest. anyways i'm going back to studying, but i hope your saturday night is going well miss cin, and that you have time to meditate <3

Why do y'all always make me emotional?

😭This is why I told anon #2 that we're not making this a thing! This is not Pennygate™ I can tell it was a genuine ask and its actually really dope that people like you pay such attention to detail like that. I'm a pay-attention-to-the-details person TOO and I think that makes it extra meaningful when it doesn't go unnoticed. Not only that, I've been writing TFA for so long that things absolutely might get missed on my part and thats okay!

OMG THE VICTORIA MONET ASK when I went on my rant about the original version?? LMFAO I love you and happy early birthday friend. I appreciate you, this ask AND irrelevant trivia!

[faulix]

btw, since people love lying about me on this website:

i have not known lolthia for a year like they claim. i first learned of lolthia about a month ago when i noticed their racist treatment of my friend. it was by chance we learned of their goretober list that had abuse glorification with prompts like medical/drugged torture, kidnapping, and stalking. we were able to see that lolthia had a pattern of writing yandere, murder, and other gross topics with a quick search of their blog. THAT is why i decided to say something and call them out. period

x

i find it kind of hilarious that you're claiming to have blocked me from servers and discord so you don't have proof. i wonder if you would even know my discord, yknow, the one handle i haven't changed in years. i mean, surely if you have me blocked you would be able to pull that up easy right? let's not forget the fact that you're claiming to know me personally when you cannot even get my pronouns right.

x

the funny part about this is that barely anyone who rb'ed your callout weren't even your mutuals, with a good amount of people actually adding in the notes how fed up they were with your bullshit. i am not a big enstars blog. i'm not even talking about enstars right now. i am a small blogger with less than 100 followers who ships with the only two minor characters in enstars. a majority of people who have rb'ed your callout are not big enstars bloggers. we are small time selfshippers just trying to have a fun time on tumblr dot com. the only one who is willfully taking themselves out of the fandom or even the circle of enstars selfshippers is you. you willfully create harmful content, you paint yourself as the victim, and you refuse to apologize for multiple things such as your racism and suicide baiting.

x

i am nice to others because they are not winding up their victim complex to make me look like the bad guy. again, if you have legitimate proof that we were once friends: look at your blocklist (or your server blocklist) and post my handle. i dare you. but then again, you probably couldn't do that considering you don't know what the username is. i think the funniest thing about it is that you can't even be bothered to post the server name, can't even bother to explain how we met (shocker considering i've only been into enstars actively for like barely a year now), it is you saying "well this is clearly my word against his" when you can't even provide the basic proof that you and i ever knew each other. you probably DON'T want me to post the ask where you said that you had finally found me and lamented that we could even be friends now if i would take back my words and be the bigger person. but then again, you kind of admitted that yourself when you said you didn't know who made the callout and even said it could be multiple people because you didn't know, but hey, let's take back that and spin it as a long rooted hate campaign by me. x

btw, when i first made this post, i held off on posting it because i haven't received nonanon asks for this, so i was able to chalk it up to you just trying to send more anons toward me to get me painted as the villain, but since this morning i woke up to you making a callout post about me that was filled with lies and fake screenshots it's about time i speak up. you may have deleted it, but don't worry, i made sure to screenshot everything you said and put it in an imgur album to refresh your memory. right here, don't worry, i took every screenshot word for word so you can remember what you said.

i'm not going to post every single screenshot to this. i think it would be insane behavior to make this post even longer. so let me just some up my feelings:

in your fake screenshots not only did you try to blur out what my name was (probably because these are not actually talking about me, but hey, you thought you could make it work, right?) but you proceed to, once again, continuously use the wrong pronouns for me, which is kind of weird since you're claiming to have known me for a year.

let me reiterate this so you get it through you thick skull: i use he/it pronouns and have been doing so for years now. your callout and screenshots repeatedly uses the wrong pronouns for me. do not even bother claiming you didn't know or that i recently changed them as my past blog and every single friend i'm close with will testify to my pronouns, and i'm absolutely sick of you misgendering and degendering me and my identity. considering you've been sending me several asks you could have easily looked and my pronouns in both my description and pinned, but hey, that's another lie for you, right?

then you post a screenshot of a server main chat, but it's very convenient of you to 1.) not get the server name and 2.) leave out the date you sent it, yknow, the things that you could at least say we shared together. i wonder why you didn't bother to get that information if it was so important. oh wait, i do! it's because you are deliberately lying about me to paint yourself as the victim.

i'm not going to even dissect the lies you weave together because, once again, you are speaking without proof. this is not a case of "my words against his" you are deliberately spreading lies on the grounds that you think no one will fact check you, you tool. again, if i was such a danger to you that i would deliberately make several accounts to surpass your "ban", why would you not post my discord username or the "alt accounts" i made to protect others for safety? why don't you do so now? oh! it's because you don't know them and are lying through your teeth.

i did not send you an ask where i told you that you needed to change your goretober list to get rid of the necrophilia. if i did, how about you post it with my url and call me wrong. not to mention the biggest thing i called you out on was the fact that you were glorifying and romanticizing abuse with drugged torture, kidnapping, and stalking. but sure let's gloss over that part because that would make you look bad!

there is nothing out of context in what you said or did, it is in plain english, several screenshots where you demonized a selfshipper of color because "they were more popular than you", pulled several excuses out of your ass to ship with a 16 year old, and put suicide baits in the main enstars tags, oh but don't worry! in your eyes the enstars fandom deserved it! and you want to paint yourself as innocent? give me a fucking break.

and the absolute gall of you to proclaim you acted like this because of your bpd, which you're still rb'ing sad bpd posts now. the nerve of you to assume i am not neurotypical when i have been struggling with autism and adhd all my life, and my own bpd for the past 14 years since i was diagnosed. it is not an act of ableism to call you out on your disgusting behavior towards people of color and abuse victims. i don't care about your backstory. you know exactly what you are doing and say that you are "exploring dark themes". no one believes you, and no one ever will. and miss me with that "i didn't know the shipper's race" as if you did not see the commissions you were directly complaining about them that shows them as not white very obviously. but hey, what's one more lie for you?

just so you know: every single ask you have sent me i have kept. from where you pretended to be 10 different people, all from your original ask where you think we should "just talk it out" without you taking any accountability, thanking me for the callout, pretending to be anons sticking up for you, and even threatening me with fake evidence that i have been in enstars servers sending death threats. but hey, since i didn't respond to those so you could have ammunition as so you could say i'm stalking you and villainizing you, i guess the next step would be a callout!

i will never be as obsessed with you as you are with me. you are the stupidest person on this planet if you genuinely thought i would not catch wind of what you were doing, from sending me and my friends and mutuals several asks to deliberately lying about me on your own blog. you have sent me over 50 asks in 24 hours, spamming my inbox with anons, but you couldn't even bother changing your typing style. you can't be bothered to tell people to watch out for this discord user because, again, you don't even know who i am. you can spin a web of lies to cover your ass, but barely anyone sees through it, and no amount of anons you send yourself will never convince anyone, especially strangers who has seen your blog. i do not care about how you no longer can look forward to your sick goretober where you glorify the abuse that real people go through. i am a grown adult with a job, school life, friends, pets, and so much more. maybe you could be the same if you shaped up and stopped being on tumblr. touch some grass for once. no one will believe you. i will not delete your callout. you have deliberately done horrible acts and acted like you were being demonized because "the enstars fandom and selfshippers are mean and cliquey", as if people don't see right through what you post without care and how you act. either apologize for what you have willfully done or log off and deactivate. i don't care which. leave me alone, leave my friends and mutuals alone, and grow up.

btw, i figured i would also throw this in the enstars tags so people would know about your horrible act and how you have treated me and demonized me for the past two days for standing up for my friends and the people you've hurt. here's the original callout btw, just in case anyone's new here! i don't care how badly you say this affects you because, again the only person trying to demonize you is you yourself. you lie about every aspect to save your ass and i will not take it. i mean, you tagged my "callout" with enstars tags (despite the fact that i never interact with the enstars fandom and have been talking about brc for the past month) but hey! if you wanna act like a clown i'll treat you like one.

you are an absolute moron if you think 1.) anyone would believe you considering your past behavior and 2.) thought i would just lay over and start crytyping for an apology. you are 20 years old acting like a spoiled toddler who got punished for throwing toys at others. i have more resolve, a backbone, and friends that will always care for me and support me, sorry if you can't relate. fuck you

[aetherceuse]

So.

It's been a few weeks since I announced taking a step back from Lusamine's blog, and, I think I'm at a point where I can put my struggles into words.

Before I get into my issue, I'm politely asking that this post is read and digested. In the past, whenever I post about something that I am struggling with in terms of roleplay and community interaction, my post has been used as a springboard for the dash to turn into "vent hour." That isn't what I want. I'm genuinely asking for people to read this, to digest it, and respect the fact that I am having a major issue with writing this character, which has been preventing me from actually being active-- and it is rooted in how the muse, and her information, has been treated.

I'm not tagging this as drama, because it is not drama. This isn't pointed at any individuals, because frankly, it's an issue I have had with writing villains my entire life, and it's only been amplified on Lusamine's blog in particular.

For starters: Lusamine is a beloved muse of mine. She is one of my favorites to sit down, dissect, and write about. It's important for people to understand that all of my canon muses are retellings in a way, but with Lusamine, that's ESPECIALLY important to understand. This Lusamine is not canon, she is a retelling, with her own backstory and world-relevant lore that is very important for people to read, grasp, and understand before proceeding forward with interactions.

However, it doesn't seem as though people really-- respect that, or even bother to read the bio and headcanons that I've written on her. I can tell, because a lot of the interactions I get are people reacting to canon events that haven't happened in my retelling. Mother Beast, for example, hasn't happened, and I've stated that multiple times over and over, yet that seems to be falling on deaf ears.

I really need my writing partners to actually read my content, and understand what I'm doing. I don't write headcanon posts and bios just because I wanna take up space on Tumblr dot com. I write them because they're a crucial part of what I'm doing.

And honestly-- that's not even the biggest issue I've had.

It is EXHAUSTING to open my ask box on a daily basis, and deal with asks sent in just calling her: bitch, cunt, 'Lusa-mean', 'Lusa-bitch', whatever. I don't think you guys understand how mentally taxing, and depressing that is for me. I get it. I'm writing the villain. Lusamine hasn't done great things. But I feel as though people are forgetting that there is an actual, human person sitting behind the inbox, who is writing a character that he loves-- and instead of getting thoughtful engagement, it's a barrage of "bitch." I've had to block people for doing this (IF you are reading this post on the dashboard, that means you're not guilty of doing this.).

But, this extends to the dashboard too. I feel as though I cannot write or do anything without someone dash comming or being automatically aggressive the moment Lusamine even so much as opens her mouth.

It's really, really not fun to be minding my business, and receive asks, IM's, or dash comms of this nature-- especially when I'm trying to write a complex character. I pour my heart and soul into what I write. And it's really sad that I have all of this stuff that people could be reading, interacting with, and reacting too-- and instead people just focus on all of the potential trauma that Lusamine could subject them to. It's not fun. At all. It really makes me feel like shit. I don't want to be used as the target of someone's parental trauma. Just because I am writing a villain, does not mean I am consenting to be nothing but an angst punching bag. I want to write stories, not just receive one-liners and zingers and "AH HAH, GOTCHAS!" in my ask box.

Frankly, I do not have nearly this much of a problem on any of my other antagonist blogs. Even though I'm still subject of whump at many times, it's not nearly as bad anywhere else, as it is on Lusamine's blog. It's really discouraging, and it makes me feel like I'm writing something that people don't really have any care or interest for. I get that my writing can be a little strange and off putting. I know that I dig into uncomfortable topics. It's not for everybody, but, I've never been the type of person to try and appeal to the greater audience. I'm very niche.

We talk about communication in this community a lot. We talk about wanting to interact. We talk about feeling as though engagement is down. And while I sit here and write this, I'm reflecting on that ongoing issue. I really feel as though we can improve the health of peoples' experience in this RPC if we-- y'know-- actually sat down, read what our partners are writing-- and ask questions/engage with it.

I don't know when I'll return to Lusamine's blog. I'm not deleting it obviously, I've put a lot of hard work into her character. But, until I feel as though there's a genuine interest in reading what I have going on, and engaging with it fairly, I'm going to keep my focus on Proton-- because, honestly, I feel really insecure on this account. At least over on Proton, it seems as though people are reading my glitch lore, respecting my muse/worldbuilding, and interacting with it. And it means the world to me. I hope to have that here one day too.

[yourhealingjournal]

Hey.

I'm really struggling with PTSD related anger lately and it has ruined a lot in my life. I feel like crap for unintentionally hurting people and feeling like I have to defend myself to the death. Do you have any advice or reassurance for dealing with mental illness and anger?

Thank you!

first of all I AM SO SORRY FOR JUST ANSWERING THIS. i didn’t get notified by tumblr dot com that i have an ask on my inbox waiting my bad

my first thought reading your ask is that anger does not make you a terrible person. & i would argue you’re not a terrible person because i have the proof of you sending in this ask which to me shows: a) you’re aware of the hurt you’re causing as a byproduct of your anger & b) you want to change and be better about it.

& then you mentioned two things i’d address separately:

re: feeling like defending yourself constantly - i don’t know what you’ve been through but it must have been really tough and exhausting. i hope you’re far away from the situation that hurts you & i’m also so sorry that the effects of it still isolates you. feeling the urge to defend yourself often is one of the unfortunate consequences trauma can leave behind.

i think defensiveness that comes out from trauma often stems from a belief that a part of you is being threatened. this can be from you or your choices always being questioned or scrutinized (threatens your security of self), not being believed (threatens your sense of reality) / having to explain yourself constantly but not still being understood, not having a safe place to live (threatens your physical security), etc. it can also be feeling threatened for your own self and survival when you perceive the threat to be too big or strong for you to handle. most trauma modalities argue any of the 4Fs are survival mechanisms that ultimately serve to protect us one way or another.

unfortunately, even after we’ve removed yourself from the harmful environment, our nervous system requires time to catch up. anger is a form of fight & like you said it feels like constantly defending yourself.

my advice (if you’re at a point where you’re ready to process your trauma & can do so safely) is to not shame your anger, but ask what is it so angry about (not in a judgmental way, but a curious one). you can keep track of an anger log to see what triggers that anger to come out. what event did it remind you of that you have the urge to defend yourself now? the roots of our current responses are wired in the past.

anger can also be a presentation of resentment that was built up overtime so you can also ask what you’re resenting about the other person or situation. i’d suggest not thinking too deep about any of these questions — writing or typing might be easier to just get the thoughts out. you may find a deeper understanding of where your anger comes from, from the process alone.

if you’re not a place to process it deeply, you can start with accepting that your anger exists. i think all our trauma responses really boil down to needing safety & comfort & protection so each time the anger comes, i hope you give that acknowledgment and comfort to yourself. it can be difficult to have gratitude for a part of you that responds in a way that can put you in a disadvantageous situation, so you can start with a neutral statement like: “I see you’re trying to protect me.” or “you don’t have to be angry any longer. you can let the anger go now. i can protect you.” (i’m borrowing a bit from IFS parts work’s framework of thinking). my point is yes your anger can be misplaced, but your anger did come from somewhere so it’s not something you need to shame yourself over because also to your other point:

re: you feel like crap, you said, because you know the anger wasn’t the response you wanted to emulate at that point in time. you can fix that. my only advice for this is to apologize once you’ve calmed down to the people you unintentionally hurt. (not saying you don’t already do this by the way) if you’d like (&it seems appropriate to disclose that in your relationship with them), you can also tell them it’s something you’re working on (e.g. let’s say you got angry at someone you barely know or only know as your work buddy, you can say ‘sorry about the other day, it was a long one’ v.s. If it’s someone you’re close with like a friend, then you can say “sorry about x event. i’m working on my anger”). you dont have to disclose the why you have the anger in the first place, but if you feel that beneficial to your relationship, go forth.

with other people in the equation, the solution is not so much to isolate but to titrate. by that i mean:

first, if you can limit the amount of contact from people who trigger you (e.g. a well meaning relative but really they push your buttons), do so for the time being.

if however these are say a deeply beloved friend who you haven’t seen each other in a while or a situation where you can’t limit contact with them (e.g. work, etc.), when you start to feel frustrated, remove yourself from the environment if able. make an excuse like needing to use the bathroom, “let me check and get back to you”, etc. if it’s not feasible and you have to stay in the room or you don’t want to draw attention to yourself, distract with doing something that can delay your response. for example, drinking your choice of beverage, walking away to get something before returning, etc. ideally we all can leave & disappear when something triggers us but that superpower hasn’t been invented yet.

i didn’t say “triggered” and use “frustrated” because sometimes there’s a build up to one snapping. build ups can range from not getting enough sleep the night before, being hungry, & anything else that can impact one’s mood regulation. the acknowledgment of where you are on the scale of being on top of your mood regulation game is dependent on you checking in with yourself daily. you can do this in the morning / afternoon / evening where you just ask yourself where you are on the scale of tolerance. mostly it’s to let yourself know like “hey i didn’t get much sleep last night so i might be a little bit more prone to being angry so let’s make a plan around that (eg. limit contact with people who trigger you, don’t watch the news if you know the news tends to make you feel bad, etc.)”.

i also think if you don’t find the idea of check-ins appealing, you can also do this retrospectively so at the very least even if you find it difficult to accept your anger, you can validate your emotions. let’s say you got angry at someone, you can ask yourself the basic checklist questions like; when’s the last time you eat? drink? sleep? any physical discomfort? all of these do contribute to our mood. maybe the coffee machine broke that day & when it happened it didn’t make you upset but it is one thing that didn’t go the way you expected so it’s another drop on the tolerance meter. & then you’ll find that wow of course you lost your cool: you didn’t sleep, your body aches, a customer was being a bit difficult even if not hostile, a lot of little things add up and then the neighbor just had to mow the lawn when i’m trying to sleep. like idk if i were you i’d lose my shit too. did the neighbor deserve it? no. could i have responded “better”? yeah but i get why i’m upset.

which brings us to the second part of titrating: mood regulation. this is a whole other thing i can get into but the gist is accepting & validating what your mood is right now (eg yes i’m angry & it makes sense as to why i’m angry — even if the situation you’re not in makes sense like the scenario above, your anger comes from somewhere. maybe you don’t even know why you’re angry but that anger is still valid. you can say: ok i’m angry right now idk why but i am and that’s okay.) then process it with whatever method works for you. trial & error. counter to what i mention about the anger log: you don’t always have to know the reason behind your anger to process it.

some activities to process anger & if you’re simply asking how to deal with anger when you feel it once you’re alone: movement helps. exercise no matter how low intensity it is still works. walking. venting to yourself on a voice note then deleting it as a symbol to delete the anger can also work. punching a pillow. squeezing a stuffed animal. screaming to a pillow. screaming to the void. needlepointing. knitting. plonk keys on the piano. crying is another option. that’s all i have for today.

now once you’re in a better mood and headspace & more equipped with skills, you can relax rule no 1 of limiting contact. ideally i’d also suggest doing some somatic work to rewire your nervous system but that’s a whole other post.

ps. sorry i get a bit sassy & humorous at the end with the scenario. i wanted to get this out asap but it’s 4 am and i am running on 2 hours of sleep. i hope this answers your ask.