#The ableist part is definitely confusing too

[traegorn]

You may be asking yourself "Is that one unhinged anon still in Trae's inbox ranting because Trae said 'maybe don't work with Lilith'?"

The answer is yes. Yes that person is. I'm just not answering them right now until they actually give me something I can be funny in the responses to.

[oscconfessions]

Now that the askbox is back open and it has been a couple weeks:

The II twist is good and you all are misinterpreting it

When Steve Cobs said 'Mephone didn't just make the show, he made you' he means that Mephone created the contestants as real living people of whom are equitable to original characters

This means YES you CAN SHIP MEPHONE WITH HIS CONTESTANTS as that's just like you shipping yourself with your oc.

THIS ACTION THAT MEPHONE DID WAS SOMETHING HE DIDN'T REALIZE HE WAS DOING. He unintentionally created the contestants with his powers. This is why when he is asked by Cobs 'Why (he) did it', he responds with a very confused sounding '...What?'. That means he didn't put thought into their flaws and attributes, all of those things were unintentional.

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, THIS MEANS THAT ALL THE CHARACTERS ACTIONS ACTUALLY DO MATTER. They all ARE real people. The show IS REAL. Just because Cobs told them that Mephone created them doesn't mean that they are not real in universe.

ANOTHER THING!!! WHEN COBS IS TALKING ABOUT MEPHONE AS IF MEPHONE IS A CHILD, THIS IS A TACTIC USED BY ABLEIST PARENTS TO MAKE THEIR ADULT CHILDREN SEEM AS IF THEY NEED TO BE CONTROLLED BY THEM. THIS IS LITERALLY AN ABUSE TACTIC. Yes there are people who do need to have support from their parents but Mephone4 has been proven to be able to function without the help of Cobs. That being said, IF YOU BELIEVE MEPHONE IS A CHILD, YOU ARE BEING MANIPULATED BY STEVE COBS TOO!!! YOU ARE BELIEVING HIS LIES!!! Yes, Mephone4 has done actions that are very immature, but, get this, Mephone4 is very developmentally disabled!!! It's literally shown to be a trait of his throughout the entire show!!! He can't do the things other Mephones are able to do while at the same level as them! Mephone4 is developmentally disabled, and Steve Cobs is using that flaw to make it seem like he's a child, WHICH HE IS NOT, in order to gain control over him.

Now, onto my theory for the next part of ii16;

Cobs will use this information against Suitcase and Knife. Cobs will most definitely make it seem like Mephone has been lying to them all this time about the competition. Cobs will most definitely try to manipulate them to get what he wants; control over the show and therefore Mephone4's actions. Now I know for sure Knife will not get this easily swayed by Cobs; Knife's entire arc in season 2 has consisted of trying to get people to stop being manipulated by others. Suitcase however... as strong as she has been throughout the season and as strong as she's slowly gotten, I am still unsure on whether or not she'd be able to see through Cobs. Part of me believes that she'd immediately believe him and decide that the only good way things can 'end' is if Cobs has control over Mephone4.

Anyways. Really needed to get this off my chest bc Jesus mcfucking christ ppl's media comprehension is TERRIBLE!!!!!! Go outside and touch some grass!!!!!

thank you anon for saying what needed to be said-📻

[littlerosetrove]

So the show and the writers DO know how to write a decent love interest!!!! Are fucking kidding me??!?!?!? fghvbjkhgfgchv. OKAY LISTEN AND BARE WITH ME.

Bucks love interests - Abby was developed because she too was a main character in season one. But after her? - Ali was barely present then gone. - Taylor Kelly was never interesting or compelling, definitely not to me. She was a selfish asshole the entire time we knew her, and her back story didn't garner much sympathy points because it showed her hypocrisy. - Natalia was a death doula that never got developed. No clue why she did or said anything in season 6.

Yes I'm going to bring Eddie into this because he's relevant for sure.

Eddie's love interests - Shannon was definitely an interesting character. In some ways we never really got to know her, but overall? Yeah still got some clear ideas of who she was as a person and a mom (a bad one). - Ana was a teacher, nice, but terribly bland (and low-key ableist). Her only interesting moment was the Iconic breakup scene. - Marisol. We still know jack shit about her beyond her weird connection with her brother, and liking DIY.

AND SO I'm finding fascinating that Buck's newest love interest, Tommy, in predominately one episode (though yes he was in 7x3, and had a few scattered scenes throughout season 2) has had a pretty dang decent amount of character development already.

Like. Like just in two episodes of season 7 we can tell that he's been a firefighter for years, has a history with the 118, has been in the army and so connects with Eddie on that level, has had a connection with Chris at some point, is confident, ready to help at the drop of a hat for Chimney and Hen in particular, is very friendly, social, is respectful (ex: when he waited to get the clear from Buck that he's interested, and then made a move), mature, and I could probably go on.

Part of my point is that I honestly appreciate that, finally, in this case for Buck, he's getting a love interest that the writers are putting in effort for. I think it's, yeah, important to do so since *gestures* this is a queer story they're telling. I'd hope that they'd put more care and effort into this, you know? Gosh I hope I'm phrasing this right.

And just. Again I find it weird and funny that, idek, when it's a guy (love interest)??? Oh now they can make an interesting and far more developed character???? Okay okay okay. Interesting. Okay.

And I think the last thing I wanna say is....... I. Y'all. I like Tommy. I don't hate or really mind the Buck and Tommy of it all. I think a big reason for this is, as I just laid out, that Tommy has been developed and just seems like a good guy. No, I don't think they're any kind of end game. No, I don't want Tommy to even get hurt because Buck is still confused about Eddie and currently avoiding delving all that, but. But yeah. While Tommy and Buck last? Yeah sure, I'm cool. I'm happy that I feel fine about it, because I sure have not cared for really any of Buck's other previous love interests (or Eddie's.)

I'm way more confident about Buddie canon, just a by the way. But we're getting there! Give it time!

[stray-syst3m]

Developed a nasty habit recently of scrolling through fake claiming subreddits (y'all know the ones) and I've noticed quite a bit of bullshit. So here's a list of things that apparently mean you're faking, but are actually just regular activities you might do and correlate or relate to your experience as a system or autistic. I'm also going to give my argument against them in the bullet points. (These are mostly about traumagenic systems but I also mention autism)

1- using dancing as stimming. My reasoning this is wrong is that stims are "repetitive body movements or repetitive movements of objects" and people stim for different reasons. Even neurotypical folk stim. Reasons folk may stim include, but are not limited to sensory reinforcement or stimulation, to regulate sensory input by increasing or decreasing sensory overload, etc. Dancing is a good example of this. It is a repetitive body movement often used to reinforce sensory input or, in my personal situation, increase sensory input when I feel like I need more stimulation. Let me guess, it only counts as stimming when it's violently flapping your arms and fitting into an ableist stereotype, huh?

2- "strange" names. Why should I even argue here? This is just transphobia rewrapped as "calling out fakers." My name is Richie. That is not a strange name, is it? Would I be fake claimed for being an alter? (Probably but not for this.) If my name were Arson, if course I would. However, I chose my name. Many alters/ headmates do. We are individuals and we are allowed to change things about ourselves as we please and this does not suddenly make us fake systems.

3- using neopronouns or multiple pronouns. Same as above. I'm not re-explaining that part. Also plays into ableism. This is why I'd be fakeclaimed. I use he/wolf pronouns (and some others). I'm a man and I highly identify with wolves due to my innerworld self. We are autistic as well and many of us have cat neopronouns due to our special interest in felines and warrior cats. Our brain is wired differently than neurotypical folks in multiple ways and the way we connect to gender and the world is perceived by us in a way different to others, hence us being transgender. Due to our high interest in cats and the fact it ties into most aspects of our life, we ended up identifying with them on a gender level as well.

4- having animal alters. This is a noted thing in DID systems. Do your research before fakeclaiming, jeez. Or just don't fakeclaim.

5- Being alterhuman in any way. Alterhumanity is a thing. Some people are alterhuman. Some people are also systems. There is going to be overlap.

6- Having any fictives from "recent" media. The definition on recent is loose to them. Is Bambi recent? We have a Bambi fictive. Is he too recent for you? Or maybe our fictives from warrior cats are too recent. Fictives exist sometimes, especially in autistic and ADHD systems.

7- having factives. At all. Even though factives are a noted thing in psychology? My therapist has brought up factives (not by that term) without me bringing them up.

8- having littles. Or not having littles. This is confusing to me. I see them mock littles for being too adult but also for being childish! How do you want them to act, then? And when a system doesn't have any littles, somehow this means they are lying about having trauma in childhood.

9- Experiencing a headspace in any capacity. Yes, even just daydreaming one. This is a therapy technique actually taught to systems to help us communicate internally. It's a thing many of us build on our own, in order to communicate. This is normal. It is a noted thing in DID research.

10- you have a singletsona. DID is a covert disorder. It is a common thing to have a single being the whole system masks as. This is normal and cited in research on DID.

11- you don't have a singletsona. Some people want to exist as themselves. This is also normal in DID, especially in those who are aware of their system and are working on communication and healing.

12- you have any online presence. Disabled people exist. Get over it.

13- you talk openly about being a system. Ever. Apparently being open about this part of our life is bad.

14- you haven't been diagnosed. This one pisses me off a lot. Was my mom's cancer not cancer before she was diagnosed with it?

[kreideprinz69]

I don't think they were going for anything angsty. The writers were probably just catering to the fan perception of Nagito, and being incredibly ableist by having him received "justified" scorn from his classmates. But of course it kind of backfired in that made the rest of Class 77-B come across as uncaring at best, and unsympathetic and meanspirited at worst. To the point that I'm actually wondering if the 2.5 OVA was written by someone else. Because that genuinely is the best part of the anime, in that it's one of the few things that adds extra layers and depth to Nagito. Still...the part of me that has a hunger for angsty fanfic can see some potential. Like I actually could imagine a scene where the others are trying to put him at ease with the idea that he deserves a second chance just like they do. Only for that to backfire and royally piss him off. "...Are you kidding me? None of you gave a damn about me before we were Ultimate Despair. Hell, you didn't even give a damn about me when you were all just as filthy and despair-ridden as I was. And now you're pretending that I'm part of the family? No. The only thing you people want from me is validation. If I decide that I'm too far gone to deserve a second chance, well that would mean the rest of you are irredeemable now wouldn't it? And you can't stand for that. All that you want from me is to hear me say that you're shining symbols of hope once more. After that? I could keel over the next day and none of you would bat an eyelash."

honestly, i wish i knew what was going through the heads of those working on that show. though i don’t really think they ever made his classmate’s treatment towards him look “justified” in any way, it always felt like they treated it as a grey area or an attempt to make people feel bad for nagito. which, i guess worked, because i’m here. but that was such lazy writing, and it did the whole class so dirty. It didn’t come off right at all (assuming there is a right way for it to come off) and just felt… so weird. that’s really the best way i can describe it. weird, out of place, did not make sense. the reason i don’t think they were trying to make his classmates look justified and nagito look bad, is because of how ineffective it was. the treatment started off before he even did anything wrong, and he was noticeably much more polite/normal(?) but that’s just how i interpreted it, i 100% get what you’re saying. whatever they were going for, it was not accomplished. with how redundant it was, it’s entirely possible they weren’t even going for anything specific. man.

the 2.5 OVA was much better. i did some brief digging and from what i could find, its the exact same people working it as the rest of the show. which again, really makes me wonder what exactly is going through their heads. i thought the OVA was a great expansion on nagito’s character and his worldview. not only that, but it was very refreshing to see him get along with the rest of the class. they could still recognize his abnormal behavior, but they treated it like they treated the other oddballs in the class. it felt much more in character to me.

i definitely get that angst craving too. i imagine that after they woke up, there would have been a discussion about his treatment in the class. they’re all working together to build a future, where everyone has a second chance. i’m sure nagito would need a lot of encouragement to take that second chance, and he’d probably be quite upset at the class having a sudden change of heart and attitude. i think he’d have a lot of confusing emotions to sort through though. first, he’s starting to see the class as actual people, since they’re no longer symbols of hope (and the whole hope thing comes with its own giant baggage.) second, there’s the difference in treatment he’s getting from them, which is probably confusing. especially because of what happened in the game as well. but i think on some level, he must care for them. i cant quite say whether it’s personal, or lingering feelings of admiration for his idols. i say that because im thinking back to the hug he gave fuyuhiko and kazuichi after waking up lol. so maybe he did learn to just strive for the future.

but i think i’m starting to get a little off topic, so, yeah! theres definitely a lot of angst potential there and it would for sure make for some interesting fics!! theres a lot that can be done with that whole idea.

i really hope this was coherent and made sense, i am fighting insomnia demons at the moment and i’m not even going to acknowledge the time right now!

[bad-advice-its-very-bad]

tw foot pain and general vent

so we have posterior tibial tendon dysfunction (pttd) which is basically flat feet but it gets worse over time and idk if we’ll be able to walk by the time i’m 30 if not earlier. but rn we can walk but after a while it hurts. we have orthotics but they don’t do shit and i might need surgery. the shitty part is most people with pttd are 40+ and our abusive grandma has it .-.

tldr: feet go ow, maybe won’t be able to walk by age 30, trauma go brr

sry for that, what i mean to ask is do we count as physically disabled?

I’m pretty sure that’s by definition a physical disability

also that sucks :(

Kinda unsolicited advice here, feel free to ignore me.

But have you looked into canes or crutches? Just because I’ve heard from TONS of people they do help with these sorts of things, one of my old friends with a leg deformity when I met up with them had just gotten a cane and they were so happy to have it.

But there’s no one size fits all, but mobility aids even now might help a little bit.

from what I gather, if something will help you from being in pain then try it. Disability is a large and confusing thing, and lots of people are also ableist as shit I should know. (I love having severe asthma attacks because people won’t let me sit out certain activities, or force me to run or exert myself without my inhaler </3 /j)

so use accessibility’s and whatever if it helps, people are always gonna judge those they don’t understand.

like I full on forget that I have literally god awful asthma, like it’s normal to think you can power through the pain and do the things you “should” be able to do. But there’s a difference between healthy limit pushing and unhealthy limit pushing, like you should be able to push your limits on occasion when you’re happy to but if you’re doing it everyday and your in pain everyday from something you should be able to rest and try again with then that’s kinda shitty if the people around you are allowing that.

your allowed to take breaks or rest, your allowed to use accessibility’s not typically associated with your disability. Your allowed to do whatever you need to ease the pain of your going through.

Idk, I hope this helps shitpostsystem!

if it doesn’t apply then that’s okay too! The bad advice blog is that sometimes bad advice, and sometimes we have to return later and try again. There’s nothing with both or me or whatever being wrong, this is a safe place to fuck up.

Hope you’re having a wonderful day! :D

[chaos-in-one]

Sorry to put this in your asks but this is part of a post I just saw and i'm so confused? Because this sounds really gross to me, like infantilizing and weird and the whole post gave me really, really weird vibes but I'm not sure if it's just because I'm autistic and this is the kind of rhetoric I see ppl using about autistics or because it's actually fucked up.

You can just delete this if you want but I thought I'd ask if the wording of all of this weirds you out too? Or is it just me?

Nah that definitely feels infantalizing as hell. Even if a person with NPD *does* get very happy at praise and has trouble dealing with or understanding more complex and intense emotions (which I actually personally do struggle with! It's really difficult for me to understand my own emotions unless it's joy, anger, or pain!) they should NOT be compared to literal young children for it!!! Disabled people are not fucking children for their disability!

Comparing a grown ass adult or even a teen to literal 5-6 year Olds for a disorder is very ableist, infantalizing, and condescending.

[dearestsilhouette]

New Intro Post!!

Hello! Local multifandom individual here, aka Mist. I’m just here to be here! This post has a whole bunch of stuff, including my interests, a DNI list, important information and more!

But first, some askable ocs and other blogs I own! (If you wanna ask an oc, please specify who it’s for! It’d be appreciated.)

* Fay — Open * Cayleb — Open * Chip — Open * Devin — Open * Hex / Hexa — Open

(Some info about the ocs can be found here!)

Next, blogs I own!

@pixilatedbitmap (yes I know pixelated is spelled wrong I don’t know how to change it), an ask and rp blog for a JSAB oc!

@sillydigitalpeople, an ask blog for two TADC ocs!

But, anyways, all of the info you need is under the cut! (it’s a bit long, sorry)

Alright, so, hi! The name’s Mist, as shown above. I love plenty of stuff, and some of this stuff is…:

* Object Shows (I’ve been in the fandom for 2 or 3 years now!) * Just Shapes and Beats [JSAB / JS&B] * The Pink Corruption [TPC] * Pikuniku * Bugbo * TADC [The Amazing Digital Circus] * PA [Project Arrhythmia] (Newest interest!)

[This is going to be updated at some point!]

============================

DNI List

Okay, so, there’s quite a few things that are in my DNI list. These things are:

* Anyone who falls under basic DNI criteria (Homophobic, transphobic, ableist, xenophobic, etc) * TERFs (Trans-Exclusionary Radical Feminist) * Support problematic creators * Anyone over the age of 18 * NSFW (In terms of sexual content) blogs * Enforce your religion strongly onto others / believe it’s the only correct religion and shame anyone who believes anything else

[This will, most likely, also be updated at some point.]

============================

Important Info

I personally think people should know certain things that I do online before interacting with me. Some of this important info is:

* I’m a minor! I have school, although I may check this before I go to class or recess. * I use tone tags, so if you’re confused with tone, ask! I’ll add tone tags / confirm what tone I’m using if you need it. * I love to use text emoticons!

(Ex - :3, :P, :], :D, etc [By the way, this is on another line because for some reason the colon part (: <- that) bolds and I can’t change it for some reason.])

* I may hyperfixate on things, but not all of my interests may appear often on my account. * I’m very irritable / get angry easily. * I curse sometimes! * It’s common to see my profile picture and theme change; don’t be too surprised! I do it a little often. * I’m 80% sure I have ADHD, but I have not been diagnosed, so I cannot be sure. * Possible Quintagon synpath! * I do have another account, it’s just inactive! The “at” (@) is @m1st-ig.

============================

Tags

* Mist’s Art [Art posts] * Mist’s Ask Responses [Responses to asks] * Mist’s Shenanigans [For when I post stupid shit / shitposts]

(I’ll most likely add more tags onto this as time goes by, these two are simply the only ones I have right now.)

============================

Extra Information

As the subheading states, this is for extra information. It’s scattered and random, but it’s here!

* I listen to some weird music. I have an odd music taste * I play roblox! My username is “TheGreenMist2021”, my display may change though. * If you follow me and I haven’t interacted with you, there’s a 98% chance that I will check out your account (and I may reblog / like some stuff)! * I think I have too many ocs…… (/sarc, I definitely have too many. I don’t know what to do with them)

[my-gf-is-kazuichi-soda]

Still in the middle of D3 so no spoilers please!

Edit: I've finished D3, spoilers okay now lol

--

I dont usually make up family headcanons with same-age characters (it leaves myself more room for shipping) but for some reason I came up with three of them here. Okay I just realized the first one theyre not same age but, uh, anyway!

Ryoma is Hiyoko's uncle. I dont have much of an explanation for this. At first I thought it would be a funny idea if Ryoma was Hiyoko's dad but then I realized that Hiyoko's dad goes to all her dance recitals while Ryoma's been in jail for a while, so that makes it kind of impossible. Just a silly idea.

Kazuichi is Kaito's younger cousin (idk what the timeline is for D3 compared to the other games yet, and I know often times this class is headcanoned as younger than the D2 class, but this is all in an au anyway). They're same-voice actor cousins. Kaito gave Kazuichi the idea to build a rocket engine, maybe they watched alien movies together when they were little. Kaito hasn't seen Kazuichi since she was still in her booknerd phase, so Kaito would laugh a lot if you told him that his nervous, fidgety cousin went through a "scary punk phase." Have an idea for a short fanfic where he calls and says he's coming to visit her again and she's mid-transition at this point and unsure about coming out to him - I think he'd be cool with it. He'd possibly confuse trans with drag at first but he would be supportive and say that he's glad to see Kazuichi gain some confidence and self-esteem "even if you're still a bit fidgety" (Kaito that's not from being afraid that's just the adhd). Also Kaito and Zoey get along alright.

Nagito is Kokichi's older brother. (potential ableism trigger warning, also a warning for that sibling dynamic where one kid is neglected for the sick/disabled kid). There's angst potential as well as funny potential. This is more subject to change since there's a lot I still dont know about Kokichi, but from what I can tell he's a manipulative liar always making scenes to get attention and even though some of the fandom says he is "a normal person faking mental illness," I dont buy it. Maybe he's faking something, but he definitely has something too. Not sure if this is a controversial opinion, but I believe that people who fake mental illnesses (to this degree at least) are not neurotypical, it's a cry for help and they do need something, so they shouldn't be brushed off as just "ableist assholes" because there is something going on, though on the flip side it is not the job of other mentally ill people to coddle their feelings when that person is being ableist.

I think Kokichi also went through some trauma, like something happened with his family that made him have to attend court sessions (he said in the first trial that he had to go to trials all the time a long time ago "for his crimes as an Ultimate Supreme Leader" but I think that's Kokichi-talk for "he was a little kid and had to sit in trials for some family drama and the adults constantly blamed him for problems that weren't his fault," which is why he plays up this sort of misbehaving bad kid role). Anyway, my ansty hcs is that Kokichi was neglected because his parents focused on Nagito's illnesses, and that's part of why he acts up to get attention. He has some resentment for that but blames his parents more than Nagito and he and Nagito have the type of sibling relationship where they're sometimes on good terms and sometimes can't stand each other. They've thrown some shade at each other but Kokichi really knows how to piss off Nagito and is not afraid to bring up "hope" to mess with his head (though if anyone else did this they would suffer Kokichi's wrath, as far as he's concerned he's the only one allowed to pick on Nagito). Nagito thinks he goes easy on Kokichi when they fight but he can be petty and sassy back and has a lot of embarrassing dirt on Kokichi. They're the kind of brothers that will pester and argue with each other but they'll bury the dead body for the other no questions asked. And Lord help you if they're in the same courtroom, they could find the dumbest little things to bicker with each other about and filibuster the case, but also Nagito will totally back up Kokichi's lies and vise-versa. Whatever creates bigger hell at the moment for the player. It was a mercy they weren't in the same game.

Anyway, since I haven't finished the game yet there's probably-definitely stuff I dont know about these characters but I got excited to share this with you.

[fierceawakening]

Yes, that does make sense.

And yeah, I think part of it is that what people use empathy to mean has changed over time--back when I first got into neurodiversity related activism, the argument most people made was not "some people lack empathy but it's morally fine," but rather "autistic people don't lack empathy--neurotypical people just took not reading facial cues AS lack of empathy," which made sense to me. (As does the... oh I don't remember the name of the thing, my brain keeps calling it "double-empathy problem" but that might not be it, where one study showed that allistic people can read one another's facial expressions and autistic people can read one another's facial expressions but mixed allistic and autistic people often confuse each other, and their responses to ONE ANOTHER look "not empathetic" because they haven't learned each other's body language. Which would imply neither of them "have low empathy" but rather that both struggle to apply it in unfamiliar situations.)

Nowadays people seem to use empathy to mean something different, such that lacking it doesn't mean much of anything, from what I can tell. But I can't figure out what they DO mean. If they just mean that autistic or narcissistic or antisocial people struggle to read cues, that IS pretty neutral, and I've always thought it was.

But where I always thought the difference was supposed to lie was not in whether people can read cues, but in whether people respond with care and concern to others' feelings.

If you use that definition, most people say something like "your autistic friends may need to be told how you're feeling because they can't read your facial expressions. Your narcissistic or sociopathic friends are more likely not to respond even if they DO know how you're feeling, and this is why you may want to consider whether a close friendship with them is what you want. Many people find a close relationship where they are expected to respond to someone's feelings, but that someone can't respond in a reciprocal way to theirs because of disability to be a lopsided relationship and ultimately not sustainable over time. So they disengage, partially or entirely."

Which... some people call that ableist, yes, but I've never really understood why. If we acknowledge that for a lot of people, friendships (or familyships--often "my parent has X personality issue and it affected how supported I felt as a child" is a thing people say too) are about emotional support, then someone who struggles to give it may just plain be a difficult partner or friend or parent to keep around, even if there's no malice or intentional cruelty involved.

Which is why I really want to understand what people are actually trying to say--because it seems like they support the idea that humans being social and emotionally supportive of one another is awesome and wonderful and something humans should be proud of, but as soon as someone suggests it could even occasionally become a problem when someone isn't, the word ableism starts popping up.

People horrifically fucking up facts about evolution and genetics too support their stupid beliefs or to seem smart and “rational” is probably one of my big pet peeves 

[moonsmaxxing]

☆★ pinned ★☆

☆★ about me ★☆

hi! i'm moon/maya/maddox and this is my kin blog (my main is @new--moons). my kin identity is a little bit complex as i'm technically a fictive, but for all intents and purposes i'm kin with moon from wings of fire, and kind of clearsight in a weird confusing way i try not to think too hard about because it has absolutely fried my brain in the past. i also have a few warriors kins, and i may end up posting about that here occasionally, but for the foreseeable future it's a wings of fire kin blog. (you can read my full kin list here.)

i have two different timelines as moon, both of which are very canon-divergent. the important thing about both is that i was raised for the most part on the volcano. while on the volcano, because of my powers, i participated in a lot of things i'm not proud of, interrogations and torture and the like. it wasn't really my choice, and i didn't do everything that was asked of me, but i did do a lot of it. i feel that it's important to mention that here, both as context for my posts going forward and so anyone who might feel uncomfortable with nightwings because of what they did knows i'm not an exception just because my source character was. (there's a longer post sort of roughly outlining both timelines here, if you're curious.)

currently, i plan on mostly posting general thoughts and recollections and maybe a few jokes and memes here and there. i may post more personal memories in the future, but i'm a kind of private person by nature. that said, the point of this blog is partially to force myself to open up some, so i don't mind questions or anything, i just might not want to answer.

i'm not sure where else to put this, but: i write image descriptions any time i post pictures online to make them more accessible, and i'll try to make sure there's a description for any image i reblog. that said, any post with undescribed images will be tagged as "no id". please let me know if there's a better tag, by the way, i've been on and off tumblr for so long that i lose track.

☆★ boundaries ★☆

i do more or less consider myself a nightwing, and am comfortable being referred to as such on this blog. i am not comfortable being referred to with moon's full name under any circumstances. i am definitely not comfortable being referred to as clearsight without explicit permission. you can call me a fictive if it's relevant, but otherwise, i'd prefer to be referred to as kin. (more boundary info here, with a tl;dr if you need it.)

i'm not actively seeking sourcemates, but haven't ruled it out, and would be open to chatting with anyone who comes from a similar timeline, both out of curiosity and because frankly i owe a few dragons apologies for being, just, the hugest bitch. truly unparalleled.

i'm totally okay with doubles, but would prefer that you not joke too much about us being doubles unless i know you well. i don't feel the need to block anyone from interacting based on their kins, but i'd appreciate if any morrowseer keeps their distance- you can interact, just don't get too familiar.

i don't have a specific dni, but i will block people who i catch being bigots or assholes. this includes being racist, islamophobic, antisemitic, zionist, homophobic, transphobic, ableist, and so on. i'll also block anyone i see promoting things like pedophilia or zoophilia, participating in harrassment or doxxing campaigns, or outright evangelizing.

i'll also block people who try to dictate who can and can't call themselves queer, plural, or kin without a very compelling reason (see above), but i'm not planning on scouring the blog of everyone who even likes one of my posts because i know i wouldn't be able to catch everything even if i did have the time or energy. (to be as clear as possible, this is an endogenic-safe blog.)

if you aren't kin, a fictive, or similar (it's up to you how you define that), it's okay to interact with my posts, but please be mindful of the fact that they're not really for you. for my part, i'll try to tag properly to avoid breaching containment, but this isn't a fan blog and i'd prefer you not treat it as such.

i don't plan on posting anything nsfw, and would say this is generally a 13+ blog in keeping with tumblr's terms of service, but i would also urge minors to use discretion when it comes to any blog they interact with, especially kin blogs. i was very young on the internet once and i did a lot of very stupid things, and i get it, but seriously why are you people trying to find canonmates at like 14-15 years old, i don't think you grasp the potential consequences of putting incredibly personal details about your canons on the internet. please take a moment to consider how this information can be used against you, especially if it's a part of your spiritual beliefs. be safe !

☆★ content warning ★☆

i don't plan on posting about anything super sensitive in detail at all, but i'll likely mention torture, death, child abuse, and injury in my posts. i'll update this section if anything changes and add content warnings to the beginnings of any posts that will be under a readmore and add a tag to any that won't.

(note: i think it's important to talk about death, and as such i typically don't use euphemisms, aside from sometimes using "passed away" when it feels appropriate. this is non-negotiable.)

i also might post about drugs or while high because i use marijuana both recreationally and medically (it's complicated) and occasionally have weird kin breakthroughs while i'm high off my ass. i'll tag "drug mention" if you want to block out these posts.

anything that stands out to me will be tagged as "cw topic mention" or "cw topic," and please let me know if you think i've missed something!

☆★ credits ★☆

header image - nasa's james webb space telescope

profile picture - pinterest user tallstick

☆★ other links ★☆

tags

[gh0ulpunk]

Minecraft wise I'm playing a steampunk mod pack and it's really cool so far tbh (in which I have caught the attention of an Entity and I'm very confused but intrigued)

I wanna hear Abt the warlock 👀 I enjoy warlocks very much

(u should watch dunmeshi it is as good as the Internet says ‼️)

oh shit that sounds like a lot of fun!! i've always gotten stuck in the... well. mining part of minecraft to do anything super cool LMAO i only have it on my phone anyway

AH WELL OKAY SO... he's gonna be a level 3 warlock who is a changeling but comes from a family of nobility. his family adopted him after his bio mom left him on their doorstep, and he mimicked their appearance for most of his life. since it's a short form campaign, a lot of his backstory has already evolved, so he's around 40 now, and is looking to have a family. he's being called for a quest by the royal guard. Still working out specific details but he keeps the fact that he's a changeling under wraps from outsiders of the family because he's not technically a rightful heir by blood, but his parents want him to have that right. So it'll be a journey for him to find someone to settle down with while also having to let them know who he really is.

i'm not adopted, and i tried to subvert the traditional adoption tropes, while also trying to work changeling into the story without the ableist roots. I want him to be Lawful Good, which will pose a personal challenge to deceiving others without good reason, but i think i can work it out. this is still all really rough with more details i have to hammer out but he's definitely got one of my more simple backstories. Do you play d&d too? :3

[entiretyofa]

On the one hand I want more people to recognize what DID actually is and to dispel myths about it formed around the ‘Classic DID’ conception. But on the other I’m afraid for people who have DID who read this post because of the thought that mental health professionals I have come across have that if you know a lot about DID that that somehow makes it more likely for you to be noticing normal experiences and labeling them as symptoms.

I don’t get it.. like it’s not a self-fulfilling prophecy if you’re just noticing significant symptoms that actually are concurrently there in your experience and not things that you notice from a standpoint of already assuming you have the diagnosis.

Anyway.. I’m reblogging this in the hope that anyone who reads this learns more about DID and understands what they’re reading as opposed to assuming more ableist bullcrap. Like the takeaway should not be that people with DID rely too much on experiential symptoms to determine whether they might have it or not. We kind of have to rely on our experience more because a lot of times any signs of it noticeable by others get labeled as just being weird, dramatic, or gaslighty.. Or the symptoms just aren’t severe enough to be able to notice a full amnesiac switch between personalities.

Something I’ve learned about DID through being on several online DID communities and watching a bunch of videos made by systems is that it is so common for systems to have variation in levels of amnesia between parts. Meaning the full amnesiac black-out switch between personalities where the personality that comes into consciousness or control of the body has no idea who previously controlled the body or how their body got to the location that they are at is a rare experience among people with DID.

We usually have some idea of who was in the body before and how we got to the physical place that we are at.

The only thing in P. Dell’s paper that confuses me or seems a bit off is the “made” intrusive thoughts/feelings/actions. I’m having a hard time understanding what he means there. Sadly, the website that the article was on was taken down, so I can’t read any more references to his use of that phrase to try and figure out what he meant. Really sad to see that his MID criteria never made it into the DSM-V.

I can take a guess that what he meant by “made” experiences is the feeling that another alter is making you think or do a certain action. Perhaps he’s referencing passive influence?

Not sure, it kind of reminds us of the language we saw introduced to the criteria in the DSM-V update kind of giving credence to claims of spirit possession possibly being a symptom of DID. I dunno guys, it seems kind of sketchy to me to include that because it can give more greedy clinicians a reason to misdiagnose more people. Claims of spirit possession can co-occur with actual DID, but they can also be entirely exclusive. I haven’t seen any guidance whatsoever on how to distinguish those two different experiences. Unless they mean to distinguish ghost possession and just “possession”, but how am I supposed to know if I’m being possessed by a ghost or by an alternate personality if I’m just starting out discovering I might have DID? Why should I assume it isn’t a ghost if the thoughts/feelings/actions definitely do not feel like my own?

Also, to add more confusion, how are we supposed to tell the difference between intrusive thoughts and feelings that seem to be a normal part of PTSD and “made” intrusive thoughts and feelings originating from a distinct personality? “Going to the source” of those thoughts and feelings may not be so intuitive or reveal any significant answers.

A New Model of Dissociative Identity Disorder by Paul F. Dell, PhD

For the first article that I submit to this page, I wanted it to be Paul F. Dell’s work on DID. Mostly because to date, he is my favorite research psychologist doing work on DID. I found his work to be rather thorough and really accurate comparatively to the DSM’s criteria and the current vision of DID that people seem to have.

This specific article outlines P. Dell’s suggestions for the DSM 5 (which is now out - and his research was completely ignored). Of course, his research proves pretty much the opposite of what we’ve been saying DID is for at least the last 40 years.

“Awareness of the presence of other personalities has been widely reported in the empirical literature on DID. Such awareness is a common occurrence in DID. Moreover, many patients who have DID hear or see what some personalities say or do when they are ‘‘out.’’ Many clinicians have incorrectly assumed that a person who has DID can never be aware of the activities of another personality.

[…]

With the exception of amnesia, dissociative individuals have contemporaneous, conscious awareness of all other dissociative intrusions (eg, depersonalization, derealization, voices, intrusive thoughts, ‘‘made’’ actions). Thus, with the exception of amnesia, all dissociative events are partially conscious. A major shortcoming of the DSM-IV is encountered here. DSM-IV’s classic picture of DID embraces full dissociation (ie, amnesia), but omits partial dissociation. This omission is a problem because incidents of partial dissociation are vastly more common than incidents of switching-accompanied-by-amnesia.”

Basically, what he’s saying is that most people with DID have some awareness of the actions of their alters - and that this has been proven time and time again — but the people who put together the DSM are purposely ignoring this fact, which results in people who would properly be diagnosed DID often ending up with a diagnosis of DDNOS. P. Dell found that most people with DID are rather partially dissociated (essentially just ‘zoned out’/disconnected) when they switch, rather than fully amnesic.

This is especially important to note, as the entire ideal of DID that has been put out by the media and popular culture is one of complete amnesia and a total lack of knowledge of being DID, which is not even remotely the truth - in fact is so not the truth, that it’s been proven time and time again that most multiples have some awareness of their others. (This of course does not mean that there’s never amnesia, obviously, or that all people with DID are fully aware of their others… but that this vision of always being amnesic and never being aware us so incredibly wrong and unfounded by empirical evidence.)

Furthermore, P. Dell suggested a complete overhaul of the diagnostic criteria of DID.

The subjective/phenomenological model of Dissociative Identity Disorder

General dissociative symptoms (4 of 6 required) Memory problems Depersonalization Derealization Posttraumatic flashbacks Somatoform symptoms Trance

Evidence of the partially dissociated intrusions of another self-state,as indicated by either 1 or 2: 1. Clinician observation of a self-state that claims (or appears) to be someone other than the person being interviewed, as indicated by the person’s Co-conscious awareness of the activities of the self-state; and Remembering what the self-state said and did Experiencing the self-state as ‘‘other.’’ 2. At least 6 of the following 11 symptoms of intrusion by a partially dissociated self-state: Child voices Internal struggle, conversation, or argument Persecutory voices that comment harshly, make threats, or command self-destructive acts Speech insertion (unintentional or disowned utterances) Thought insertion or withdrawal ‘‘Made’’ or intrusive feelings and emotions ‘‘Made’’ or intrusive impulses ‘‘Made’’ or intrusive actions Temporary loss of well-rehearsed knowledge or skills Disconcerting experiences of self-alteration Self-puzzlement

Evidence of the fully dissociated intrusions of another self-state(ie, amnesia), as indicated by either 1 or 2: 1. Clinician observation of a self-state that claims (or seems) to be someone other than the person being interviewed, followed by the person’s subsequent amnesia for the clinician’s encounter with the self-state. 2. Recurrent amnesia, as indicated by the person’s report of multiple incidents of at least two of the following: Time loss ‘‘Coming to’’ Fugues Being told of disremembered actions Finding objects among one’s possessions Finding evidence of one’s recent actions

The sad thing about this criteria is that P. Dell found it to be more accurate than the previous criteria for diagnosing DID… but the DSM 5 acknowledged none of his suggested changes - even though it was as accurate as the MID for diagnosing DID (the MID (Multidemensional Inventory of Dissociation) is list of questions intended to figure out where people fall on the dissociative scale). ((Note: The MID questions are available online, but they require a special Excel spreadsheet to score - which can only be obtained by psychologists by ordering it from the psychologist who created it. Sad day.))

In conclusion:

The sociocognitive model of DID is necessarily wed to the DSM-IV’s model of classic DID. Why? Because the general culture’s model of DID is classic DID. Classic DID is clearly reflected in Sybil. Classic DID has also been reflected in countless portrayals of DID in contemporary films and television programs. In short, the DSM-IV’s essential phenomena of classic DID (ie, multiple personalities + switching + amnesia) are very familiar to the general culture. Although not intended as such, the present findings refute the sociocognitive model of DID because 15 of the 23 subjective dissociative symptoms that were measured (the criterion A symptoms except for trance and the criterion B symptoms except for self-alteration) are invisible (ie, completely experiential), unknown to the media, unknown to the general public, and largely unknown to the mental health field. Nevertheless, these 15 subjective dissociative symptoms occurred in 83% to 95% of persons who had DID. The pervasive presence of these symptoms cannot be explained (away) by the sociocognitive model’s ‘‘usual suspects’’ - therapist cueing, media influences, and sociocultural expectations regarding the clinical features of DID. There can be no therapist cueing, media influences, or sociocultural expectations about dissociative symptoms that are invisible, unknown to the media, unknown to the culture, and largely unknown to the mental health field.

Basically what this is saying is that what we’ve been taught about DID is wrong - that it’s been modeled after Sybyl’s story (which, as we know, was highly inaccurate and exaggerated for entertainment value) - and that many of the symptoms P. Dell found to be common amongst people with DID can not be explained by social/media influence, or even caused by the therapist - as most people are COMPLETELY UNAWARE OF IT.

So basically, every time someone says “you’re DID because you have the internet” or “because you saw Sybyl”, they’re completely wrong - as the symptoms of DID, many of which are not noted in the DSM or in popular media are unknown to the general public, including psychologists.

I just wanted to list the most important parts of the article (or rather, what I thought was important for this page). As much of it is information from studies that Dell has done, the language of the article is a little clinical and dry. I really didn’t want to make anyone read that if they didn’t want to. You are welcome to read the actual article (it is here: http://www.copingwithdissociation.com/Dell_2006_ANewModelofDID1.pdf#bib1), and if you want to know more about Paul Dell, here is his website: http://understandingdissociation.com/

[vizthedatum]

I keep thinking about how to describe it

CW: descriptions of rape and brain fog after emotional and psychological abuse -- It's so hard. In my relationship with my ex/spouse, most of the time - I would say, according to my memory at this moment as I transition into menstruation-day-2 and I am so hazy from the pain, I wholeheartedly consented.

I was wildly attracted to them, and I'm (to my deepest chagrin) incredibly demisexual and hypersexual with physical touch/affection being my primary love language. Ugh, it's all so difficult.

I was literally calling it "coerced sex." (I am so sorry to my friends and my obgyn - with whom I've used this term, SIGH SIGH)

It's just that it felt different than all the other times I've been assaulted or raped. It turns out, you can still be surprised at all the forms of rape there are.

And I loved them. I loved them so much that despite everything, I married them.

I felt like I had to fawn and people-please to consent.

I felt like I would betray them if I didn't.

The way that the whole *love-bombing ~ controlling critical remarks ~ the fighting ~ the general control cycle* would work... was to initially get me into a reactive state.

I am a highly emotional and sensitive person who TRIES THEIR ABSOLUTE BEST to be grounded and level-headed.

But once you have me doubting my logical abilities, you can get me to whichever emotional state you want (*realizing that they're typing up a how-to in abusing me, but whatever*).

And when I'm highly stressed, I become highly sexual, even if I don't want to be. Even if I'm in so much pain that I can't move.

It's fine if I'm in that state with someone who makes me feel safe - then it's fun and nice and healthy.

It's maddeningly confusing when you're with someone who is supposed to love you -but- you don't want to be touched by them -but- you feel attracted -but- you are so so sad -and- they aren't even going to really have sex with you in a way that's going to be pleasurable anyway because they think you're too much work so you're really just an oversized human fleshlight who is prone to extreme pain and is "always in a crisis" -and- they weaponize your physical need for intimacy for their own needs - and- they don't do any foreplay (on purpose - they withhold it from me on purpose. they engaged in non-consensual psychosexual torture, and they will claim that they didn't know) -and- they cannot empathize with you.

...

I've been listening and reading to a lot of survivors of situations involving abuse from "narcissists" (or those who have narcissistic qualities who have chosen to abuse their partners in a consistent way -- I am trying to figure out how to best describe my experience without being ableist but it's so so so FUCKING hard - and I don't know yet, so please give me some grace). Anyway, this is really common!

They get you into a reactive emotional state (and I often was, despite all the things I did and used to cope) and you're often pushed to your limits with all the emotions you're feeling.

I suspect they were trying to get me into a state where I'd start abusing them. I definitely did yell back and cry sometimes. I never hit them. I never tried to coerce sex. (They did accuse me of doing that once, and I wrote about that in my PFA - because my memory is so fucked up from that incident (gaslighting), I don't know what happened really) It was almost like they were egging me on. And then when the visibly negative "abusive" part was over, it was a stark transition into loving stuff - things that they knew I like - things that were indicative of peace - and even if I didn't want to be touched, I was already feeling sexually charged - and then we'd have sex or have some sort of physical affectionate make-up... :/

...

The last time we had sex, and I still don't know if they know, I really didn't want to. I verbally consented, but I was just about to leave - leave the place where we lived to... uh be homeless. I was already in a daze - I don't drive intoxicated so I wasn't using any klonopin or weed or any other medication... so my reality was STARKLY REAL to me. Still in a haze. Autistic and heavily traumatized and feeling like trash.

I hadn't eaten, I don't think. They offered to get me food.

I hadn't moved from the same place on the couch all day. I don't even remember going to the bathroom. I don't think I had any clothes on - I don't remember how long it had been.

I had signed a lease that started in mid-December the previous day. It was the nicest place I had seen, somewhere I could maybe be comfortable and heal for a while? And it didn't check pay stubs. So many other landlords correctly suspected domestic violence even when I briefly mentioned why I was moving out. So I lied. I hadn't admitted it yet because when I tried telling my ex/spouse that it was abuse (because who else was I going to tell? My therapist?! sigh) - it got pushed to the side.

I had given up asking and figuring out how I was going to get my stuff.

I didn't know how I was going to support myself financially - I had been so careful. I knew I could do it - I could make something work. I was just going to figure it out as I went along, with contingencies in place. I didn't become skilled in math and statistics for nothing.

I was leaving knowing that I could still be trapped - we were married even though I had broken up with them. I still loved them. I needed them? (A common tactic is to get people completely dependent on them - even if they have options - it's all a part of the control.)

The previous day, my housing plan for until I could move into my new place fell through - my meta called and said it was off the table; it would have been my other partner's (now ex-partner) old place. I remember crying (or internally crying?) on the phone with them, and remembering that they told me that they understood. Just crying in my car with flowers I bought myself for my last weekend with my ex/spouse.

I couldn't feel my body, but I knew somewhere deep inside, I was in pain.

I had just gotten back from 2?3? weeks of traveling back to my hometown (well, mostly my hometown) to help my brother move out of my abusive parents' home. FINALLY. It was fucking awful. I love my parents, and it was my mom's birthday, and she gave me all the family heirlooms and the stuff she had saved for my wedding/marriage.... and like surprise medical announcements! and more abuse! and I hated it all, even though there were some good moments. And my ex/spouse had yanked out my IUD before I went there so when I got back... my body was in shambles.

I was barely eating. I was hyperfocused on: voting, not getting covid, seeing my other partner and the other person I was dating (I don't think I had time to see friends), emotionally preparing for isolating forever with ex/spouse, finding an apartment as fast as I could, vaguely asking friends if I could stay with them, finding a job, figuring out what I even wanted to do for a job, publicly stating that I have autism....

My ex/spouse had me isolated in an Airbnb when I came back - so I negotiated to figure out how to see two people (and only those people) before my isolation period ended. They'll tell you this was all my idea, but they cornered me into unnecessary isolation - and they were not happy I was seeing my other partner and the person I was dating (not because of jealousy, but because they wanted to control me -- a reminder, they are poly too, and I was "officially" dating "approved" people -- and well whatever, my ex/spouse is doing relationships all wrong so it doesn't even matter. I never cheated on them - they knew what I got up to, and I got up to a lot. They just didn't like it, and they didn't want to work on it with me because they just wanted to control me.)

They got testy with me if I didn't take my covid test at the same time every day. Even though IT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER.

The last person I hung out with before I came back to my ex/spouse slept in, and I was having a really nice time, and I didn't take my covid test until almost 3pm that day (Friday). So my ex/spouse had me shift my return back to our home to 3pm (the following Tuesday).

I remember driving around a bit after checking out of the Airbnb, telling myself I was so excited to see them. I truly was. I missed them.

It was nice when I came back until they started to yell at me for all my disgusting behaviors. I had torn a hole in our marriage. I needed to leave. Strands of my hair were burning their tongue. They didn't want me.

And then they apologized but not really.

And it continued like that cyclically, hour after hour, as long as I was conscious. I tamped down my anxiety and trauma responses as best I could. So that was the state I was in... the day I left. I was fully broken. I had masked behaviorally with my future landlord and my friend (who I had snuck out to see on Saturday UNMASKED (no face mask) - he just wanted to get me tea and comfort me. We weren't/aren't seeing each other or anything. He and I had been friends for years, and I think he could tell, but I couldn't even tell him, even though he'd understand. And now he does. He's one of my biggest supporters.), and it took everything out of me.

I dropped my touch boundary. I don't remember dropping it. I wanted them so badly. I wanted them to LOVE me. To be actually affectionate with me. I was not in the right state of mind. I felt like I was blacking out on the inside. I had to stay conscious to drive to the house down the street, where the friend I was dating lived and even though they were already triggered by what was going on, I didn't have that many options until later in the week, so that's what I was going to do.

Well, suddenly, we were having sex and I remembered being disembodied and saying yes - I felt like I was a robot, I knew what to do and how to be - just mindlessly being in position.

And then I had a panic attack. I think I collapsed where I was or went on the floor - I can't remember. I think I was screaming. And crying. And wanting to throw up.

They yelled at me. I couldn't respond at all. I couldn't stop screaming or maybe I was screaming inside my head - I don't know.

I think the sex continued and then stopped? They kept yelling.

I don't know what happened until I was grabbing my suitcase and the boxes I had packed earlier that week and shoving them into my car. They tried to help, unhelpfully. I needed them to carry things because I often ended up with no physical strength around them. They remarked on how things wouldn't fit, even though they did fit - I made them fit.

I didn't want to kiss them goodbye. I felt like I would die if I didn't say yes.

I did kiss them goodbye. It was the worst kiss of my life. I hated myself. I loved them. I thought I was pathetic.

--

And then I got in my car, texted my friends, and got lost driving even though I was literally going less than a mile away.

And then I probably triggered my friend even more - and I felt like I was too damaged to ever really be loved again. I was very shaken up when I showed up at their place. I felt like a monster to be dating them. They were so nice, even though also kind of shaken? I'm sure it all seemed so chaotic. We ended up making out, and it made me feel warm on the inside like I meant something to someone. And then they retreated... and I realized sadly that they probably thought it was inappropriate. I don't know if they were joking or not, but it was implied that maybe I seduced them? I don't know. I shouldn't take it personally. I don't want to force something on someone, like that. I just enjoy being held and kissed - I don't think it's wrong to want that, even if you went through something. On the flip side, it's also not wrong to stop kissing a friend you're dating who has just fled their ex/spouse. We stopped, and I went to bed. Thoughts went through my mind (and they still do): No one will want to be with me like this. They only want you when you're quiet and look the part - they only want to use you for *some* of the things you know and your body - they don't actually want you. They can't give you what you need. Only you can.

And then a couple days later, my friends convinced me to truly cut things off with my ex/spouse and start actually saying it was domestic violence... and life has been brighter ever since. Hard as fuck. But better.

[olderthannetfic]

Crit bookmark anon had it mixed up on one point, the rule of thumb is that expecting authors to specify what form of feedback they prefer is rude, burdensome, ableist and so that hurts their feelings too, or that's how it's been explained to me.

Personally, I swear when I got into fanfiction around 1998 concrit was the holy grail of feedback that authors asked for with the desperation of a starving populace, but the vehemence to which people say it’s always been this way, that c+c is c+c+cruel, that authors have never needed to state their preferences, to the point of insulting me is actually beginning to trigger my psychosis and make me doubt my own memories.

It makes me nervous to even read fic anymore because I love expressing my love. People tell me they love my reviews because they're "juicy and detailed" since I do my best to put effort into picking out the parts I really loved around and the parts that confused me (if there were any). They’ll thank me for my feedback, and then they’ll say concrit is cruel actually and discourages authors, is ablist because of the possibility for rejection dysphoria, that what I did wasn’t even actually c+c but all I did was analyze their work and review using the crit sandwich. By the very definition it seems to me to be critique but I have no idea anymore! 

Hell, it even makes me feel insecure as an author. Glaring mistakes get complimented, it’s like someone saying my smile is beautiful while I have a huge hunk of food in my teeth. Like I’m glad you said you liked it but are you lying to me? What are your genuine feelings? If you’re an author, why don’t you want to just post your house rules? Is it because I’m just being intrusive? They say I should ask what the house rules are to be considerate about their feelings, but treat me like as a reader I have none to be considered.

It’s got me wrung up, clearly.

I've tried to encourage people to feel safe with c+c in my comment section and other authors still get mad at me for doing it that way too because it's damaging to them as a writer because I’m doing fanfiction wrong.

Has it always been like this? Am I actually delusional? Please tell me I’m not just going crazy and you’ve been noticing this as a cultural shift too, if I’m alone in this I think I genuinely might be sicker than I thought I was.

--

I don't think it's a clear cultural shift in one direction, but yes, I've noticed things.

I think AO3 culture owes a lot to LJ culture and LJ culture was often less into crit because the fic was so visibly in the author's personal space. A lot of LJ authors also had circles of beta readers and good friends who were quite visible, so concrit from others was superfluous and not so helpful. At the same time, LJ being a blogging platform meant that people could rec in their own journals and include concrit in that context easily. AO3 doesn't have much of a space for meaty reviews, though you can try with bookmarks.

Meanwhile, mailing list culture was often pro-concrit, and so is FFN. Forums are often pro-concrit. Some of these are older spaces, but they're also just different spaces from AO3.

A lot of "changes" are simply a change from being used to some other space to AO3 getting so popular everyone's crowding in there. The old culture persists somewhere else.

--

My own view on concrit of my work is that it doesn't hurt my feelings, but I don't find it useful, so I don't think people should waste their time on it. Good concrit is hard and it takes a while to write up.

Once I post a work, it's as done as it's going to get. Many people who've critiqued me in the past have also just had bad quality advice. I've sat in (non fandom) writing groups filtering the often also very bad advice there, and it's not just ego: I have a pretty good handle on which critiquers know their stuff, and most do not. I have a couple of friends whom I let read my pro writing because they know what I'm going for, and I understand and trust their taste.

Now, if someone wants to critique my finished fic in a review, that's fine by me because even though the work is done and not getting edited again, the pros and cons are worth noting for a future reader.

[demonicheadcanons]

The Obey Me Brothers Reaction to MC Breaking Down Over Schoolwork

(Initial ask contains an ableist slur and so cannot be posted. Please, in future, refrain from using slurs in any asks sent in!! It has since been added to my rules and I will straight up delete asks with slurs in them. Thank you <3)

AN: Apologies for taking so long to get to this one, its been in my inbox for a while. I’m sorry you were feeling that way, its really difficult getting adjusted to everything again, I work in a school and a lot of the students and teachers alike are definitely really struggling. Best wishes <3

I think I’m usually okay at not letting slip that Levi is my favourite boy, but you can tell here ;u; Sorry

Lucifer

He realises all too late that things are probably tough. Initially Lucifer is distant, and whilst he notices how tired you look sometimes at RAD, he decides to ignore it - you were probably distressed because you had been pulled into the Devildom out of nowhere, you’d just have to adapt because nothing else could be done. In his mind it was pointless worrying about it.

However, as he begins to pay more and more attention to you, he realises its more than that. You frown in class, your grades jump around and you don’t leave your room regularly, probably too busy focusing on studying. The few times you’ve accepted his offer of help, you seem to be on edge.

He decides one night to check in on you, and he hears a harsh thud from a few paces down the hall. He throws the door open without knocking, convincing himself that he was just worried you might be hurt because they needed you for the exchange programme and it would be a pain replacing you now, months into the whole endeavour.

You whirl around, arm still raised, your grip tight on your textbook. He looks about and sees other books scattered about, the room a mess.

Lucifer makes a low growling noise in the back of his throat, raising a hand to press against his temples before he freezes, finally taking in the look on your face. Your eyes are wide, having been essentially caught by the one person you really, really wouldn’t want to see you right now. You lower your arm slowly as he approaches, taking your face in his hands before you can duck away from him.

His tone and expression are impossible to place as he silently examines you, gloved hands wiping across your cheeks to get rid of any traces of your tears. You don’t have the time to process any of it before he pulls you against his chest, wrapping his arms carefully around your shoulders.

Lucifer is silent, almost eerily so, and he holds you there without moving until you either push him away or until you stop sniffling and drop the book. Even when he does speak again, he’s quiet, deep in thought as he looks around the room and tells you simply to head over to his - he’ll bring you something to eat shortly, get some rest in the meantime. You mumble something about a test, and he waves a hand. He’ll bring the textbook, its fine, go rest.

It takes him a half hour to get to his room, carrying a tray with some tea and snacks. Your textbook is tucked under one arm, and he gently invites you to eat before he starts talking things out. He asks if classes are too difficult, asks if there’s anything in particular you’re struggling with. He makes a lot of offers - Luci is a busy guy, but he can free up a time slot if you want to study with him, or he can get you a tutor, or you can simply text him your concerns and he’ll respond as soon as he’s available. His advice is simple and realistic.

Once you’re done eating and drinking, he opens the textbook and goes over the things that are most likely to be on the test. He gives tips, explains the things that confuse you in a clear and concise manner. He’s a good teacher, and he’s a lot more patient than you’ve seen him before.

Overall, Lucifer is a quiet comfort, but a determined one. He works to make things easier for you in the background, marking out important parts of the textbook so you know what to focus on, and offering a hand whenever you need it. Also, when you get back to your room later, your books are neatly organised on your desk.

[Other brothers under the read more]

Mammon

Mammon randomly pops into your room quite often, making excuses about how he’s absolutely entitled to because he’s in charge of taking care of you. On this particular evening, you have absolutely no warning as per usual and he doesn’t bother knocking, because this boy only has good manners when it benefits him.

He freezes instantly, and he’s over to you in a second before you can throw whatever’s in your hand. His grip is careful but tight on your wrist and he squeezes until you let it go, tossing whatever it was onto your bed without looking and wrapping you up in his arms. You might feel trapped for a second, but he has this fear that you’re Going To Get Hurt and so he just holds onto you until you settle and start sobbing against his chest. (Mammon is panicking too much to think about it, and he’ll definitely apologise after and try not to do it again if he scared you.)

He pulls you over to the bed and sits you down, a hand smoothing through your hair. His grip remains on you at all times, and you can feel his hands shaking when he asks what’s wrong, MC? Did something happen?

Mammon listens carefully, swallowing and smoothing a hand over your hair when you tell him its because the work here is just too damn hard and you can’t do it, you can’t, you can’t remember all the dates for the history or recall the right Latin to say for this one course and its not like it matters anyway because you’re human, why would you need this?

He mumbles back “I know, I know,” and runs his hands down your arms, back, along your hair. Wherever he can to comfort you, wherever makes your breathing slow back to a normal pace and takes away the hiccups left from sobbing. He doesn’t force you to look at him, almost doesn’t want you to as he bites back sniffles and sobs and wipes his face against his sleeve because crying right now won’t fix anything for you.

When you’re both calmer again, he starts rambling about something or other to take your mind off it. Mammon isn’t one to offer any immediate solutions, and rather tries to distract you with stories until you fall asleep and he can lay you down and march straight to Lucifer and demand he talk to Diavolo about this, as fearless as if he were defending Belphie or Levi for accidentally breaking something.

You’re assigned a tutor, and have tutoring sessions with each of the brothers for things they’re good at, with Lucifer and Satan covering any areas the others don’t particularly excel in. Mammon himself helps you with maths, and although he isn’t always the best at explaining it, his presence along is comforting and helps makes working through a little easier, and he’s good for taking your mind away from any stress so that you can focus without worry holding you back.

Leviathan

He had just wanted to get something back that he loaned you, a book or DVD. He can’t remember what it was the second he hears a crash and throws open your door, and finds you in a ball on the floor, the room a mess around you. You don’t even look up as the door opens, and the two of you stay in place for a few moments.

Levi doesn’t know what to do, doesn’t know where to start, but he can do one thing. Quietly and carefully, he tiptoes around your room and starts putting things back where they belong. He tidies your desk, faintly organises whatever notes he finds by subject and piles them up together. He doesn’t touch you, because he’s worried you wouldn’t want him to right now, that he might scare you, and so he just tidies until the room looks a little more normal again.

When you finally look up, he’s sitting a few feet in front of you, headphones on as he stares at his D.D.D., either playing a game or watching a video or scrolling through Wikis as he waits patiently for you to start the conversation or ask for whatever comforts you need. You move over to sit beside him, and he blushes but takes off his headphones and holds an arm out so you can rest against his shoulder.

He lets you watch whatever is on his phone for a beat before asking in a hushed voice if you need anything, if something was wrong, or if someone (maybe him?) upset you. When you tell him it’s about schoolwork, he sighs and pulls you closer without thinking about it. He hands you his D.D.D. and puts his headphones on you, tells you to stay there for a bit and keep watching until he gets back.

Levi returns a few minutes later with Satan in tow, each of them carrying a bag with their own textbooks in them. Levi kneels down to take back his D.D.D. and headphones and to help you up, and tells you you’re all going to start studying together in the library. If you’d be okay with it, he means... he could use the help too, and maybe it wouldn’t feel so bad if you were there. Not for any reason in particular!

Study sessions are added to your schedule after that. Even on days where Satan is off doing something else, Levi will tutor you on whatever he finds easiest - usually history, and oftentimes its history involving the navy. His shyness melts away into confidence as he talks about all the things he’s done, about how he was appointed head thousands of years ago and he thinks he’s yet to let Diavolo down.

After study sessions you go and get a drink together, something like bubble tea or smoothies or whatever, and then play games together to relax and let the info sink in instead of obsessing over it. If you ever start to get stressed out again, Levi gently puts his headphones on you and the two of you wait it out together, and he smiles at you every time you take the headphones off and take a deep breath, ready to keep working. He’s proud.

Satan

Satan is observant enough to notice ahead of time that something is about to happen. You seem horribly stressed and unfocused in your classes one day in particular, and he decides to stop by your room the second he gets home to find out what was wrong.

He knocks and waits for a while, but you don’t answer, and he was sure he heard noise before but now your room is deathly silent. He carefully creaks the door open a bit to call in and see if you’re there, and hears paper crumpling against the door. Deciding to investigate, he opens it a little more and slides in through the gap.

The room is a mess of books and paper and pillows, and you’re at your desk, hands clamped hard over your ears. You’re making some kind of whimpering noise every now and then, and Satan starts to piece things together as he gathers up books in one arm and smooths out paper. He taps you on the back before moving back a pace or two, just in case.

You freeze before turning around to look at him, seeming almost guilty, and he doesn’t really get why you’d feel that way but he holds up your books and clears his throat. “Do you want some help?”

Satan is more practical than emotional and, whilst he isn’t sure what kind of comfort he can offer you right now, he knows he can help with the work, help make it easier. He pulls a chair over beside you, motioning for you to scoot over, and leans against you as he opens the first book and asks where you were struggling. He keeps a constant connection between the two of you, either has his leg against yours or his entire side against you so that you know he’s there, so that you’re permanently aware of his presence.

He doesn’t look at you too often, not when you can see him do it. Even then, there’s no judgement in his gaze, just his brows furrowing slightly out of concern until your breathing in alright and you start to smile in little bursts again. He smiles then as well, scribbling down some notes for you.

After that, Satan regularly pulls you aside after class and asks if you want to come out with him to a cafe or to the library, or he’ll call you to his room in the house and ask if you’ll let him teach you this set of notes so that he can remember it better. He’s subtle, never really brings up what happened and never asks you about it because he’s already got it all figured out in his mind. Instead, he just works on moving on from it and making sure it doesn’t happen again, and if it does, he’ll be ready to be there for you again.

Asmodeus

Asmo had decided to visit your room because you weren’t responding to his messages asking if you wanted to go out shopping with him. Majolish had new season wear and he absolutely needed to go get first pickings at it, and he wanted you there by his side.

He knocks but opens your door immediately after anyway, not giving you time to do much more than turn to face the door, bringing the pillow you were about to throw up over your face instead so he can’t read too much of your expression. He sees the tears, anyway, and without thinking walks over to you and holds your face in his hands.

His voice is laced with concern as he asks what’s wrong, and he immediately looks like he’s going to cry as well, but he just did his makeup and he’s not going to risk ruining it right now. Instead he moves over to the bed and pulls you down onto his lap, holding you tight against his chest. He keeps asking, every few moments, if something was wrong and if there’s anything he can do, and his eyes dart around the room to try to piece it all together. Your books were still out on your desk, pillows a mess around the room, and you... You were curled up against him, shaking and choking down sobs.

Asmo pouts and holds you in silence until you calm down and start talking to him, start telling him what was wrong, what subject you’d been struggling with over the past hour and you were still stuck on the same damn page and not making any progress and the test was only a few days away and everyone was expecting so much from you, you who never even asked to be here. Obviously you weren’t good enough for this, obviously they should’ve chosen someone better-

Asmo cuts you off there, pushes against your shoulders until he can see your expression and cup your face in his hands. He’s not having you put yourself down because you’re struggling with work that the centuries-old demons also had a hard time with, not on his watch, and he tells you just as much. When he’s done half-scolding you, his expression softens and he offers whatever help he can. He’s sure he can rope Satan or Lucifer into helping out, and if not he can charm the examiners into giving you a better score... he keeps going until some of his silly advice gets you to snort out a little laugh, and then he relaxes.

He lays back and pulls you down with him, sighing as he instructs you to take a nap, and then after you two can go out shopping and you’ll figure everything out as you strip Majolish bare of its new wonderful outfits. And Asmo keeps to his word. As you’re trying things on he talks through the stall walls, proposing different ideas to you whilst simultaneously boosting your confidence as he compliments you and finds the perfect outfits for you.

Asmo makes it clear that if ever you should need a distraction, just give him a call - there’s always something better to do than reading over textbooks, and he’ll throw in study sessions so long as you’re there to spend time with him. Anything to make you feel better.

Beelzebub

Beel was in the kitchen, clearing out the fridge as usual when he heard a muffled thud against the wall. He pauses, turning to look in that direction, and realises that its the wall attached to your room.

He’s outside your door in no time, and taps nervously against it with his fingertips before opening the door slightly and calling in to ask if you were okay, and could he come in please? He hesitates when you don’t respond, but decides to head in anyway, because you might be hurt and any embarrassments he’s sure the two of you could live with, but with an injury there was no guarantee, not for a human.

There are books everywhere, the room as messy as he’s ever seen it, and you’re... nowhere to be seen. Not until he hears a sniffle and rounds the corner into the dining room section, and finds you curled up in a ball against the wall, face against your knees. He’s quick to back away, worried that he’ll upset you more, but then Beel kneels down a few paces in front of you and leans forward to tap your arm.

You flinch and look up immediately, pulling your knees closer to your chest until you realise its him, and then you just look guilty. Beel’s chest hurts, he feels horrible - what happened to make you feel like this? Could he help, or should he go get someone else? He asks just as much, voice somewhat broken over the questions as he hesitates. He doesn’t get this anxious often, but right now you remind him of Belphie a few thousand years ago, and he doesn’t know what to do with that.

He pushes the thought away and slides closer, sitting against the wall beside you. His presence might not help, and he waits for you to tell him to leave, but after a while you press against his side and he opens his arms to you and holds you as tight as he can until you feel a little bit okay again. And then he asks, again, what’s wrong, and he waits for you to tell him, shaking but as patient as can be. You open up to him slowly, and he listens.

Beel doesn’t know how to help, doesn’t think he’d be a good tutor for you, doesn’t know how to relieve the stress really. But, he promises his arms are always there if you want a warm hug, and... he is sure that there is some resolution to be found, but for now you should just do your best and that’s all anyone could expect from you, and if anyone doesn’t like that then... he’ll be your bodyguard, ready to defend you at any moment. He was good at that, sometimes.

Beel smiles at you and gives you the warmest smile he can manage before tucking your head back against his shoulder or chest. He tells you to rest for a little while, and then you can try working again later. Whilst you’re asleep, he pulls out his D.D.D. and messages Belphie asking for advice, and then Lucifer. By the time you wake up, he’s got a few tips from the brothers and a tutoring timetable is being organised by Lucifer for the two of you, so that you wouldn’t be alone.

Belphegor

Belphie doesn’t know why he was on his way to your room, and he stops thinking about it the second he throws the door open and sees you crying. He’s too tired to put the pieces together as he looks around, too tired to really take in the room, but he’s on high alert when he runs over and wraps you in his arms, looking around properly to see if anyone was there, if anyone had hurt you.

You can hear him growling in the back of his throat until he slowly relaxes, shoulders lowering as he takes in how messy your room is. It must’ve been you, he decides, holding you closer to him. A demon would’ve left this place in a horrible state. But nothing was torn, just scattered around.

He’s more awake when he pulls you over to the bed and immediately lays down with you on his chest. He doesn’t get what’s wrong yet, but he’ll figure it out. He wills his powers, his sin’s influence, over you until you’re drowsy and fall asleep, still sniffling occasionally, and then he starts to work things out.

By the time you wake up, Belphie apologises for how disorientated you might feel. He probably should’ve talked to you first before making you fall asleep. He smiles sheepishly at you, but the concern in his eyes is only thinly veiled, and you can see through to it.

“So, school, huh?” he asks, lopsided smile almost teasing. He wants to make you smile, or laugh if he’s lucky. Instead you make a frustrated noise and press your face into his chest again, and he pats your head to comfort you. You hear him swallow before he pushes against your shoulders to get you to look at him again.

He’s not hiding so much when he asks what’s wrong, and he listens as you stumble through an explanation before sighing and asking if you want to take another nap. He grins when you glare at him, before adjusting you both so you’re sitting up again. “Let’s get to work, then. What subject is first?”

Belphie isn’t the best at a lot of the work, and he’s missed a lot of classes, but he’s a decent help and he keeps your stress down by cracking jokes and patting your head when you do well. He’s a comforting presence, and if you get overwhelmed again he leans his elbows against the desk, head in hands, and suggests you take another nap with him because he could really use one right now. He laughs when you swat at him and tell him to focus, and then looks at you and tells you that you can come to him if you need help, anytime. Don’t wake him up if he’s deep asleep, though - get Mammon or someone stupid to do that, he jokes, just in case he lashes out.

In future, Belphie will tap on your door when he knows you’re studying and, although he often falls asleep at your desk or just immediately heads over to your bed to nap, he gives off a comforting aura that makes the work a bit bearable for longer.